WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:09.040 All right, guys. I think we're in. I think we're on. I think we're live. Let me just 2 00:00:09.040 --> 00:00:18.720 check here. Should be good to go. But good morning to you, if you're just joining us. 3 00:00:18.720 --> 00:00:29.040 I think we should be all good. So we've got some people jumping on here, I'm sure. Awesome. 4 00:00:29.360 --> 00:00:38.560 Okay, guys, good morning. Good morning and welcome to day three of the Raising Royalty 5 00:00:38.560 --> 00:00:45.600 three-day Parenting Challenge. Wow, guys, this has been really special so far. This 6 00:00:45.600 --> 00:00:50.880 has been really powerful. If you've been joining us, I hope you've been blessed. I hope you've 7 00:00:50.880 --> 00:01:00.000 been encouraged. We've had some really positive feedback, some really powerful testimonies 8 00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:07.200 already coming through, lots of messages, lots of, you know, stories of life change already, 9 00:01:07.920 --> 00:01:15.040 and mindset shift, and yeah, people saying some really powerful encounters with God already, 10 00:01:15.040 --> 00:01:21.200 you know, and that are already shifting things. So guys, again, this is the beginning of something 11 00:01:21.200 --> 00:01:28.000 powerful. All right, this is the beginning of something that I believe is going to change the 12 00:01:28.000 --> 00:01:35.440 world, and it's something I think that the Lord is revealing to you and I at this specific moment 13 00:01:35.440 --> 00:01:43.280 in history, and that we get to be the ones to break this cycle of disconnection, and we get to 14 00:01:43.280 --> 00:01:51.840 be the ones to partner with new operating systems in family and connection, and actually display 15 00:01:52.480 --> 00:02:03.440 and reveal the expression of love of Jesus through family. All right, so it's a pretty big 16 00:02:03.440 --> 00:02:10.479 deal. It's really special to be able to do this and journey alongside each one of you. If you're 17 00:02:10.479 --> 00:02:16.720 jumping on with us now, just let us know where in the world you are. Just drop a little hi in the 18 00:02:16.720 --> 00:02:24.640 comments, and we're going to jump in, guys. If you missed the last couple of days, we've been talking 19 00:02:24.640 --> 00:02:31.600 about how to break the hidden cycle of disconnection and how to create a healthy culture of love and 20 00:02:31.600 --> 00:02:38.080 acceptance in our families, right? So if you missed those, they're in the Parenting Guide in the Raising 21 00:02:38.080 --> 00:02:44.080 Royalty page, so they're waiting for you there. If you missed them, feel free to catch up with us, 22 00:02:44.960 --> 00:02:52.640 and today we're going to be talking about self-care and how to deal with our 23 00:02:52.640 --> 00:03:00.640 own triggers and our own resentment. So put your hand up if you have ever felt triggered 24 00:03:01.440 --> 00:03:08.240 as a parent. Mine's definitely up. If you're a parent, 25 00:03:09.760 --> 00:03:16.960 you know what I'm talking about, right? So being triggered is actually pretty common 26 00:03:17.840 --> 00:03:22.720 as a parent, and we're going to talk more about that today, but essentially what we're 27 00:03:22.720 --> 00:03:27.680 going to be covering is how to move towards a place of healing and towards a place of 28 00:03:28.560 --> 00:03:33.680 not being triggered, right? Is that even possible? Can we even do it? Yes, I believe it is possible, 29 00:03:33.680 --> 00:03:40.480 right? There's a quote from Vienna Ferron that I really like, and she says, 30 00:03:41.040 --> 00:03:46.560 healing happens when you're triggered and you're able to move through the pain and the pattern 31 00:03:46.560 --> 00:03:53.120 and the story and walk your way to a different ending, okay? And I believe that that is 32 00:03:53.120 --> 00:03:58.000 absolutely possible. I do, and we're going to talk about this this morning, but first I just want to 33 00:03:58.000 --> 00:04:05.040 pause and we're just going to pray again and invite Holy Spirit into the space to lead us and open 34 00:04:05.040 --> 00:04:12.960 our minds and our hearts, okay? So Holy Spirit, we just love you. God, we love you and we acknowledge 35 00:04:12.960 --> 00:04:17.519 you and we thank you for what you're doing. God, we thank you that you are releasing something in 36 00:04:17.519 --> 00:04:23.600 the earth at this strategic point in history that is going to change everything, God, and we thank 37 00:04:23.600 --> 00:04:29.360 you that we get to be the ones to partner with it, Lord. We get to be the ones to say yes to family 38 00:04:29.360 --> 00:04:37.280 and yes to connection and yes to wholeness in family. Yes, God. So, Lord, we just say, you know, 39 00:04:37.280 --> 00:04:45.440 you are welcome. You're welcome to come in and change our minds and our hearts and do whatever 40 00:04:45.440 --> 00:04:52.000 you want to do, right? So, God, we love you and we thank you and God, we just, yeah, we're just 41 00:04:52.000 --> 00:04:59.920 excited for what you're going to do. Yeah, amen. Awesome, awesome. So, you know, so why are we 42 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:03.840 be talking about us this morning, right? 43 00:05:03.840 --> 00:05:06.400 So, you know, I thought this was a parenting challenge. 44 00:05:06.400 --> 00:05:09.880 Well, you know, it is a parenting challenge, right? 45 00:05:09.880 --> 00:05:14.400 But it all starts with us because, you know, 46 00:05:14.400 --> 00:05:19.200 we can only love someone as much as we love ourselves. 47 00:05:19.200 --> 00:05:21.520 You know, well, that sounds selfish. 48 00:05:21.520 --> 00:05:23.880 Well, you know, it's actually biblical, right? 49 00:05:23.880 --> 00:05:26.400 So Mark 12 31 says, 50 00:05:26.440 --> 00:05:29.720 love your neighbor as you love yourself. 51 00:05:31.080 --> 00:05:34.200 In other words, you can't give something 52 00:05:34.200 --> 00:05:36.000 that you don't have, right? 53 00:05:36.000 --> 00:05:41.000 So like I could say, I'm gonna give you a million dollars, 54 00:05:41.880 --> 00:05:44.800 but you know, as much as I would love to have 55 00:05:44.800 --> 00:05:48.100 a million dollars, I don't have that to give away to you. 56 00:05:49.440 --> 00:05:51.480 But you know, if you'd like to donate, 57 00:05:51.480 --> 00:05:53.880 you're welcome to donate and then we'll see what happens. 58 00:05:53.880 --> 00:05:57.200 But, you know, I can't give you something 59 00:05:57.200 --> 00:05:58.800 that I don't have to give you, right? 60 00:05:58.800 --> 00:06:03.200 So we're wanting to move towards a place 61 00:06:03.200 --> 00:06:07.000 of offering unconditional love and acceptance to our kids. 62 00:06:07.000 --> 00:06:09.440 But if we don't have unconditional love 63 00:06:09.440 --> 00:06:11.720 and acceptance for ourselves, 64 00:06:11.720 --> 00:06:14.060 it's gonna be really difficult to offer that to our kids 65 00:06:14.060 --> 00:06:17.600 because we can't give something that we don't have, right? 66 00:06:17.600 --> 00:06:22.600 So research has shown that who we are 67 00:06:22.600 --> 00:06:25.440 is actually a much more accurate predictor 68 00:06:25.440 --> 00:06:27.560 of who our kids will become 69 00:06:27.560 --> 00:06:30.120 than our knowledge of parenting techniques, right? 70 00:06:30.120 --> 00:06:31.640 So it all starts with us. 71 00:06:33.720 --> 00:06:38.720 And the simple fact is that we all have emotional triggers 72 00:06:39.000 --> 00:06:41.240 that cause us to disconnect, right? 73 00:06:41.240 --> 00:06:43.460 And the reason for that is, 74 00:06:43.460 --> 00:06:45.400 and we touched on this a little bit in the first session, 75 00:06:45.400 --> 00:06:47.800 but you know, nobody had perfect parents. 76 00:06:48.940 --> 00:06:51.080 So again, let's just take a deep breath. 77 00:06:52.080 --> 00:06:54.920 It's okay not to be perfect. 78 00:06:54.920 --> 00:06:56.520 Perfect parents don't exist, right? 79 00:06:56.520 --> 00:06:59.320 You don't have to be a perfect parent to be a good parent. 80 00:06:59.320 --> 00:07:01.120 Again, you just have to be willing to fight 81 00:07:01.120 --> 00:07:04.560 for personal growth and emotional connection, okay? 82 00:07:04.560 --> 00:07:07.820 So, but we also have to realize 83 00:07:07.820 --> 00:07:10.640 that because our parents weren't perfect, 84 00:07:10.640 --> 00:07:14.320 unfortunately it means that we didn't get everything 85 00:07:14.320 --> 00:07:15.640 that we needed from them. 86 00:07:16.880 --> 00:07:20.200 And because of that, you know, we all, 87 00:07:20.200 --> 00:07:23.040 or at least the vast majority of us have wounds 88 00:07:24.360 --> 00:07:27.840 and beliefs that are very deep inside 89 00:07:27.840 --> 00:07:30.400 that are gonna sabotage our relationships with others 90 00:07:30.400 --> 00:07:33.360 if we don't become aware of them and move towards healing. 91 00:07:34.320 --> 00:07:35.800 You know? 92 00:07:35.800 --> 00:07:37.960 So the last session, we're essentially talking 93 00:07:37.960 --> 00:07:42.480 about how an inadequate relationship with God 94 00:07:42.480 --> 00:07:44.100 and inadequate view of God 95 00:07:44.100 --> 00:07:46.660 can sabotage our relationships with our kids. 96 00:07:46.660 --> 00:07:48.020 But today we're talking about 97 00:07:48.020 --> 00:07:52.420 how an inadequate relationship with ourselves 98 00:07:52.420 --> 00:07:55.900 can sabotage our connections with our kids. 99 00:07:55.900 --> 00:08:00.140 See, everything that we struggle with has a story to tell. 100 00:08:02.300 --> 00:08:04.900 You know, the things that we struggle with in our adulthood 101 00:08:04.900 --> 00:08:08.340 are symptoms of beliefs and emotional wounds 102 00:08:08.340 --> 00:08:11.140 that were created inside of us in our childhood. 103 00:08:12.220 --> 00:08:14.780 And there's something called attachment theory, 104 00:08:14.780 --> 00:08:15.740 and this is a big deal, 105 00:08:15.740 --> 00:08:19.220 but the psychologist who discovered attachment theories 106 00:08:19.220 --> 00:08:23.260 named John Bowlby, and he described attachment theory 107 00:08:23.260 --> 00:08:26.500 as a lasting psychological connectedness 108 00:08:26.500 --> 00:08:27.900 between human beings. 109 00:08:27.900 --> 00:08:30.460 And, you know, it's basically the process 110 00:08:30.460 --> 00:08:33.740 in which kids learn how to adapt behaviorally 111 00:08:33.740 --> 00:08:35.960 to stay connected to their parents. 112 00:08:37.059 --> 00:08:40.340 See, you know, and this is key to the point 113 00:08:40.340 --> 00:08:41.980 that we're gonna be making this morning. 114 00:08:42.020 --> 00:08:46.220 A child's brain instinctually knows 115 00:08:46.220 --> 00:08:49.020 that he or she cannot survive 116 00:08:49.020 --> 00:08:51.700 apart from their caregivers, right? 117 00:08:51.700 --> 00:08:53.980 So anything that threatens their connection 118 00:08:53.980 --> 00:08:58.980 with their caregivers is the equivalent to their brain 119 00:08:59.520 --> 00:09:02.060 as a lion that's about to eat them, you know? 120 00:09:02.060 --> 00:09:03.580 And so you might be thinking, 121 00:09:03.580 --> 00:09:04.780 oh, what does this have to do 122 00:09:04.780 --> 00:09:08.580 with my emotional triggers and resentment? 123 00:09:08.580 --> 00:09:10.780 Well, just stick with me. 124 00:09:10.780 --> 00:09:11.620 We're gonna get to that. 125 00:09:12.260 --> 00:09:13.580 It's all gonna make sense in the end. 126 00:09:13.580 --> 00:09:15.300 We're going on a bit of a journey here together 127 00:09:15.300 --> 00:09:16.300 this morning, okay? 128 00:09:17.260 --> 00:09:20.700 And so the reason for that is because 129 00:09:20.700 --> 00:09:23.900 our brains are wired for survival, okay? 130 00:09:23.900 --> 00:09:26.360 So rooted in the lower limbic part of the brain, 131 00:09:26.360 --> 00:09:29.940 it's that fight or flight primitive part of the brain. 132 00:09:29.940 --> 00:09:32.320 There's a set of reflexes and instincts 133 00:09:32.320 --> 00:09:34.180 that are there to keep us alive. 134 00:09:35.220 --> 00:09:37.100 You know, it's the thing that causes us to duck 135 00:09:37.100 --> 00:09:38.260 if something's flying at us, 136 00:09:38.260 --> 00:09:42.080 or to jump if we're in a movie, you know? 137 00:09:42.080 --> 00:09:43.740 Even though we know that nothing 138 00:09:43.740 --> 00:09:45.460 is actually gonna jump out of the screen 139 00:09:45.460 --> 00:09:46.980 and we know that we're safe, 140 00:09:47.900 --> 00:09:50.480 it's the set of reflexes 141 00:09:50.480 --> 00:09:52.580 that quite often are actually irrational, right? 142 00:09:52.580 --> 00:09:55.540 And, you know, in the same way that our brains 143 00:09:55.540 --> 00:09:58.100 are wired to automatically keep us alive physically, 144 00:09:58.100 --> 00:10:00.340 our brains are also... 145 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:05.520 wired, you know, they also have a set of reflexes to keep us alive emotionally, so to speak. 146 00:10:06.160 --> 00:10:13.600 And so scientific studies actually have proven that that lower limbic primitive part of the brain, 147 00:10:13.600 --> 00:10:18.240 and this is, this is another key point, you know, it can't actually differentiate 148 00:10:19.840 --> 00:10:26.720 between a real and a perceived threat. So just hang on to that, it's going to be key to what 149 00:10:26.720 --> 00:10:34.000 we're talking about. You know, so basically, emotional disconnection from a caregiver is 150 00:10:34.000 --> 00:10:41.760 literally terrifying to a child's inner psyche, research has shown. And so here's the thing. 151 00:10:43.600 --> 00:10:52.160 Most of our parents were really good at shutting down any sign of defiance or persistence or anger 152 00:10:52.880 --> 00:10:59.520 for most of us, right? And anger is basically the emotion that you feel when something is 153 00:10:59.520 --> 00:11:06.320 getting in the way of what you want. So, you know, anger is an extremely important emotion, 154 00:11:06.320 --> 00:11:10.720 because it's more related to our needs and desires than any other feeling. 155 00:11:12.800 --> 00:11:16.560 Pretty interesting, right? So, you know, you might be, you know, it's, it's, 156 00:11:16.960 --> 00:11:25.360 it just stick with me, we're on a journey, right? So kids are literally unable to process their 157 00:11:25.360 --> 00:11:31.840 anger, and their deep wants and desires in a healthy and mature way, as most of us have 158 00:11:31.840 --> 00:11:39.440 experienced. Right? You know, can you imagine one of your kids coming up to you and saying, 159 00:11:40.000 --> 00:11:48.800 you know, mom or dad, I was really wanting to play with that toy. But Olivia took it off me. 160 00:11:48.800 --> 00:11:57.440 And now, you know, I'm just feeling really dysregulated and upset and angry. And I'm 161 00:11:57.440 --> 00:12:01.680 just wondering if we can strategize together on some possible solutions, you know, like, 162 00:12:02.640 --> 00:12:06.320 no, you know, you're not, they're not going to say that they literally, 163 00:12:07.520 --> 00:12:12.720 and they're literally a neurologically unable to communicate that way, because that part of 164 00:12:12.720 --> 00:12:20.880 their brains has only just begun to develop. Right? So what happens when Olivia takes Jackson's toy 165 00:12:20.880 --> 00:12:27.040 and has, you know, he has an outburst of anger. And I say to him, you know, what were you thinking? 166 00:12:27.120 --> 00:12:33.120 You know, what kind of brother are you? What does this psyche learn? Right? It learns that 167 00:12:33.120 --> 00:12:39.680 expressing what you want, is dangerous and bad, you know, do not do that. Because it equals 168 00:12:39.680 --> 00:12:44.960 disconnection and disconnection equals danger. Right? And because our brains are wired for 169 00:12:44.960 --> 00:12:50.960 survival, we learn from an early age, most of us, at least that asking for what we want 170 00:12:51.920 --> 00:12:59.920 is bad and dangerous. So, you know, let's say that we're in the city, and Jackson starts having 171 00:12:59.920 --> 00:13:05.520 a tantrum because he wants to go on the train. And this actually happened recently. 172 00:13:07.680 --> 00:13:12.960 And I get angry with him, which luckily didn't happen. But you know, I get angry with him and 173 00:13:12.960 --> 00:13:20.400 disconnect from him emotionally, what is his inner child, or his psyche learn? In that scenario, 174 00:13:20.480 --> 00:13:28.240 it learns when I want things, it makes people upset. And so I'm only safe when I can want things 175 00:13:28.240 --> 00:13:34.560 for other people, but not for me. Right? So what does this have to do with us this morning? 176 00:13:36.640 --> 00:13:44.880 See, for most of us, our parents weren't taught this stuff. You know, so they did what they 177 00:13:44.880 --> 00:13:50.720 thought was best. Right? Which was basically to meet anger with anger and put the fear of God 178 00:13:50.720 --> 00:13:58.320 into you and squash any sign of defiance or rebellion. Right? And so now we have a lot of 179 00:13:58.320 --> 00:14:05.120 us parents walking around with these wounds and triggers inside of us. And we don't know how to 180 00:14:05.120 --> 00:14:09.840 ask for what we need or what we want, because we learned that it was our job to keep other people 181 00:14:09.840 --> 00:14:15.280 happy and suppress what we want. Right? Which is actually just codependency, you know, which is a 182 00:14:15.280 --> 00:14:23.360 dysfunctional form of relationship. So now, you know, I want you to pause for a moment. And I 183 00:14:23.360 --> 00:14:31.440 want you to ask yourself, when do I get triggered the most as a parent, you know? And what I mean 184 00:14:31.440 --> 00:14:36.960 by triggered is, you know, I'll just give you an example of something that that happens from time 185 00:14:36.960 --> 00:14:42.800 to time with me and Jackson. Right? So I'll be talking to him, or I'll be asking him a question, 186 00:14:42.800 --> 00:14:48.400 or I'll be asking him to do something. And he'll be doing something else, and he just won't respond 187 00:14:48.400 --> 00:14:56.720 to me. Right? And he won't hear me. And when that has happened, I've just felt inside of me this like 188 00:14:58.320 --> 00:14:59.120 intense 189 00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:06.640 feeling of of anger you know and hurt and frustration and it's just really intense and um 190 00:15:07.600 --> 00:15:12.720 you know and it's like you just take notice of that and you go oh my goodness wow that's a really 191 00:15:12.720 --> 00:15:17.360 intense feeling that i'm feeling you know that that is probably a trigger okay so the things 192 00:15:18.240 --> 00:15:25.040 that trigger us with our kids show us the parts of ourselves that were shut down in our childhood 193 00:15:25.040 --> 00:15:31.520 you know see as i've processed my own wounds and triggers as an adult i've learned that my inner 194 00:15:31.520 --> 00:15:40.160 child has a wound that feels ignored and unimportant and invisible right from my childhood 195 00:15:40.160 --> 00:15:45.040 which is why when jackson is distracted and he doesn't respond to me right away i feel this 196 00:15:45.040 --> 00:15:50.720 intense emotion being triggered inside of me um you know so when we feel these intense emotions 197 00:15:50.720 --> 00:15:57.120 we just need to stop and realize that it's probably a trigger you know and it means that 198 00:15:57.120 --> 00:16:04.560 there's a wound within our inner child that's saying hey i'm still here i'm still hurting 199 00:16:05.200 --> 00:16:14.320 right um so our triggers are our teachers and um kids trigger us all day um so they're really 200 00:16:14.320 --> 00:16:19.200 great teachers right and we love them and we wouldn't trade being parents for anything 201 00:16:21.200 --> 00:16:27.200 but you know kids are an amazing tool that god uses to show us that we need healing aren't they 202 00:16:27.200 --> 00:16:35.040 you know and where we need healing um you know so the you know the reason we get so triggered when 203 00:16:35.040 --> 00:16:43.200 our kids disrespect us or they don't do what we ask them right away might be because it's triggering 204 00:16:43.200 --> 00:16:52.000 a childhood wound inside of us that learned i'm not respected and i'm not important right um now 205 00:16:52.000 --> 00:16:57.920 obviously we know with our conscious adult upstairs mature brain that that's not true 206 00:16:58.720 --> 00:17:05.040 um but here's here's the thing kids kids are great at receiving information um but they're 207 00:17:05.040 --> 00:17:11.119 really not great at interpreting that information and that's because the part of our brain that's 208 00:17:11.119 --> 00:17:17.920 able to communicate and process information in a rational way has only just started to to develop 209 00:17:17.920 --> 00:17:22.560 when we're little and in fact it doesn't actually fully develop until our mid-20s 210 00:17:24.079 --> 00:17:29.920 right so it's the downstairs part of the brain that interprets information through the lens of 211 00:17:29.920 --> 00:17:37.040 survival um you know so when our parents yelled at us or sent us away for expressing what we wanted 212 00:17:37.760 --> 00:17:43.520 even though it wasn't communicated in a healthy way our brains didn't learn oh i should probably 213 00:17:43.520 --> 00:17:49.440 communicate in a better way next time you know no it learned you need to stop that because if you 214 00:17:49.440 --> 00:17:56.080 don't um you might be in danger um because disconnection is life-threatening to that 215 00:17:56.080 --> 00:18:02.720 instinctual part of the brain um it's a pretty big deal right it's it's it's a lot to take in 216 00:18:03.360 --> 00:18:09.840 um you know but here's the next thing to realize is is you know research shows that kids brains 217 00:18:09.840 --> 00:18:15.600 will go to any length necessary to actually avoid making their caregivers or their parents 218 00:18:15.600 --> 00:18:20.240 at fault for any wounding that's taking place even though it's all happening in a subconscious 219 00:18:20.240 --> 00:18:27.600 level um you know because our caregivers are crucial to our survival so what do our brains do 220 00:18:27.600 --> 00:18:33.520 our brains they actually make us the bad guy in a subconscious level because it's the only other 221 00:18:33.520 --> 00:18:40.160 option right um so basically they go you know tyler you just you need to stop pretending 222 00:18:40.960 --> 00:18:44.320 that you're important because when you express what you need or what you want 223 00:18:45.440 --> 00:18:52.000 it pushes people away and that's not safe right um so that you know that's what most of our brains 224 00:18:52.000 --> 00:18:57.440 at least learned is as kids because our brains are so plastic you know we talk about neuroplasticity 225 00:18:58.080 --> 00:19:02.480 you know so those beliefs for most of us got stuck deep down in there and for a lot of us 226 00:19:02.480 --> 00:19:09.200 are still operating underneath the surface um you know so all this is really just to raise awareness 227 00:19:09.200 --> 00:19:14.000 to the fact that we probably have some things happening inside of us uh that we need to work 228 00:19:14.000 --> 00:19:21.760 through in order to to be able to parent from a place of wholeness and overflow um you know so 229 00:19:21.760 --> 00:19:26.640 how do we do that right okay so we're going to talk about some practical steps 230 00:19:27.360 --> 00:19:32.480 to heal those places inside of us so we can stop disconnecting from our kids or our spouses 231 00:19:33.200 --> 00:19:41.040 um you know when those inner wounds get triggered right um so the first step 232 00:19:42.080 --> 00:19:46.800 to healing um is actually really simple and practical right so for the practical people 233 00:19:46.800 --> 00:19:51.840 watching ah take a deep breath we've got some we've got some practical to do's coming all right 234 00:19:52.400 --> 00:19:59.840 it's gonna be okay um so the first step to healing um is simple self-awareness right it's actually 235 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:01.080 really simple and practical. 236 00:20:01.080 --> 00:20:03.360 We just need to become aware of it, 237 00:20:03.360 --> 00:20:05.560 acknowledge our feelings and emotions 238 00:20:05.560 --> 00:20:08.520 when we feel triggered, right? 239 00:20:08.520 --> 00:20:10.800 To simply pause and go, okay, hold on. 240 00:20:12.200 --> 00:20:15.360 This feeling that I'm feeling inside is actually bigger, 241 00:20:15.360 --> 00:20:17.800 I think, than a normal negative emotion, right? 242 00:20:17.800 --> 00:20:21.120 Like it's a really intense hurt, really intense anger. 243 00:20:21.120 --> 00:20:22.720 You know, like when Jackson ignores me 244 00:20:22.720 --> 00:20:25.280 and I feel this intense frustration, you know, 245 00:20:25.280 --> 00:20:27.680 even though he's just playing with Play-Doh 246 00:20:27.680 --> 00:20:29.760 and I can see that, I know that. 247 00:20:29.800 --> 00:20:32.800 It's reasonable, right, for him to be distracted, 248 00:20:32.800 --> 00:20:35.160 but I need to stop and acknowledge that feeling and go, 249 00:20:35.160 --> 00:20:37.240 okay, there's something going on here. 250 00:20:38.120 --> 00:20:40.960 I think this might be triggering something inside of me 251 00:20:40.960 --> 00:20:42.800 that might need some healing, right? 252 00:20:44.360 --> 00:20:49.360 The next step is actually just to name the emotion, right? 253 00:20:49.720 --> 00:20:54.400 Ask yourself, what is this emotion that I'm feeling, right? 254 00:20:54.400 --> 00:20:58.000 So for me, in that example with Jackson, 255 00:20:58.040 --> 00:21:00.560 it's probably anger, it's frustration, 256 00:21:00.560 --> 00:21:02.720 probably some hurt, right? 257 00:21:02.720 --> 00:21:04.720 So, you know, what do I need to do? 258 00:21:04.720 --> 00:21:07.480 Probably just to myself or my wife, Anna, 259 00:21:07.480 --> 00:21:08.840 and just say, oh man, 260 00:21:09.760 --> 00:21:14.560 that's really making me feel angry and frustrated, you know? 261 00:21:16.160 --> 00:21:19.320 Research has actually proven their significant power 262 00:21:19.320 --> 00:21:23.880 in simply naming the emotions that you're feeling, right? 263 00:21:23.880 --> 00:21:27.600 Scientific studies of the brain have actually shown 264 00:21:28.200 --> 00:21:31.520 that when we simply name the emotions that we're feeling, 265 00:21:31.520 --> 00:21:33.440 that lower limbic part of the brain, 266 00:21:33.440 --> 00:21:36.880 the amygdala that's firing when there's a threat, 267 00:21:36.880 --> 00:21:41.000 fight or flight, is actually immediately calms down 268 00:21:41.000 --> 00:21:43.720 and just goes, ah, right? 269 00:21:44.640 --> 00:21:47.280 And, you know, we'll talk about this more in the future 270 00:21:47.280 --> 00:21:50.560 about, you know, neuroscience and all that, 271 00:21:50.560 --> 00:21:51.840 but it's really, really interesting 272 00:21:51.840 --> 00:21:54.800 and it's really practical and it's really powerful, right? 273 00:21:54.800 --> 00:21:58.920 So the next step is to give yourself permission 274 00:21:58.920 --> 00:22:00.160 to feel the feeling, right? 275 00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:01.880 And so that just simply looks like, 276 00:22:01.880 --> 00:22:03.800 hey, you know what, I give myself permission 277 00:22:03.800 --> 00:22:05.280 to feel what I'm feeling 278 00:22:05.280 --> 00:22:07.680 to the full extent that I'm feeling it, right? 279 00:22:07.680 --> 00:22:09.840 So, and there's nothing wrong with that 280 00:22:09.840 --> 00:22:11.560 and there's nothing wrong with me, okay? 281 00:22:11.560 --> 00:22:15.040 So, and that just removes any guilt or shame, 282 00:22:15.040 --> 00:22:16.880 which is another part of being triggered, right? 283 00:22:16.880 --> 00:22:20.360 So the next step is to be curious about the feeling, right? 284 00:22:20.360 --> 00:22:24.320 So put your detective hat on, you know, 285 00:22:25.240 --> 00:22:27.680 maybe it's Sherlock Holmes, you know, 286 00:22:27.680 --> 00:22:29.800 the Sherlock Holmes hat, maybe, you know, 287 00:22:29.800 --> 00:22:32.040 and maybe you need to do this in another moment 288 00:22:32.040 --> 00:22:34.200 and go sit down with a journal, actually, 289 00:22:34.200 --> 00:22:36.600 and just start to question the thing and the event 290 00:22:36.600 --> 00:22:39.480 and just say, you know, what was it about that? 291 00:22:39.480 --> 00:22:41.840 You know, so for me, I actually had to sit down 292 00:22:41.840 --> 00:22:43.560 when I realized that this thing with Jackson 293 00:22:43.560 --> 00:22:45.000 was really triggering me. 294 00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:46.960 I actually had to sit down and go, 295 00:22:46.960 --> 00:22:48.680 okay, what is going on here? 296 00:22:48.680 --> 00:22:50.760 What part of this instance 297 00:22:51.600 --> 00:22:55.280 might be triggering something from my childhood? 298 00:22:55.280 --> 00:22:57.320 What do I know about my childhood 299 00:22:57.320 --> 00:22:58.960 that this might be connected to? 300 00:22:58.960 --> 00:23:01.600 And then, you know, and then I realized, 301 00:23:01.600 --> 00:23:05.920 ah, you know, I actually felt invisible as a child, right? 302 00:23:05.920 --> 00:23:08.240 As a big part of my wounding 303 00:23:08.240 --> 00:23:09.720 as I've processed as an adult, right? 304 00:23:09.720 --> 00:23:13.320 So I go, oh, of course that's making me frustrated. 305 00:23:13.320 --> 00:23:15.560 And so what does that do, right? 306 00:23:15.560 --> 00:23:19.240 It takes the anger and the frustration off of Jackson 307 00:23:19.240 --> 00:23:22.840 and it redirects it to the actual problem, right? 308 00:23:24.560 --> 00:23:27.760 And so the next step, and this is a big one, 309 00:23:27.760 --> 00:23:29.760 is self-compassion, right? 310 00:23:29.760 --> 00:23:31.680 So this is basically the process 311 00:23:31.680 --> 00:23:34.640 of being the emotionally intelligent parent 312 00:23:34.640 --> 00:23:38.920 to our own inner child that we needed our parents to be. 313 00:23:38.920 --> 00:23:41.080 So when you identify the wound or the belief 314 00:23:41.080 --> 00:23:43.320 that's making you feel triggered, 315 00:23:43.320 --> 00:23:45.840 just ask yourself for a minute, 316 00:23:45.840 --> 00:23:48.520 what did I need my parents to say to me 317 00:23:48.520 --> 00:23:50.800 in that situation regarding the wound 318 00:23:51.720 --> 00:23:53.920 or the event that's being triggered, right? 319 00:23:55.000 --> 00:23:56.800 So what does that sound like, right? 320 00:23:56.800 --> 00:23:58.240 Might sound like, hey, Tyler, 321 00:23:59.200 --> 00:24:01.800 I'm really sorry you're feeling hurt about that, right? 322 00:24:01.800 --> 00:24:05.240 That totally makes sense that you're feeling that way. 323 00:24:05.240 --> 00:24:08.160 I'm here with you, we're gonna get through this. 324 00:24:08.160 --> 00:24:11.520 Okay, so, you know, you might be thinking, 325 00:24:12.520 --> 00:24:17.520 this is all a little bit fluffy and airy-fairy, you know, 326 00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:21.480 but, you know, it's actually not at all. 327 00:24:21.480 --> 00:24:23.040 This is, you know, if you've been a part 328 00:24:23.040 --> 00:24:24.680 of any therapy or counseling training, 329 00:24:24.680 --> 00:24:26.960 you'll know that this is actually a proven 330 00:24:26.960 --> 00:24:30.080 and effective process to inner healing, okay? 331 00:24:30.080 --> 00:24:32.640 So, you know, this is actually a big part 332 00:24:32.640 --> 00:24:33.920 of how people actually get free 333 00:24:33.920 --> 00:24:35.680 from depression and addiction. 334 00:24:37.160 --> 00:24:40.160 And, you know, plus it's biblical as well, right? 335 00:24:40.160 --> 00:24:44.640 Let the weak say, I am strong, Joel 310, right? 336 00:24:46.320 --> 00:24:48.920 So, are you hurting? 337 00:24:48.920 --> 00:24:51.520 Hey, it's gonna be okay, you know? 338 00:24:51.520 --> 00:24:53.200 Self, you're gonna be okay. 339 00:24:54.280 --> 00:24:56.400 Self-criticism or bad self-talk, you know? 340 00:24:56.400 --> 00:24:57.240 Hey, you know what? 341 00:24:57.240 --> 00:24:58.080 You're not stupid. 342 00:24:59.400 --> 00:25:00.240 You're doing great. 343 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:01.760 doing your best, you're actually gonna figure this out. 344 00:25:01.760 --> 00:25:04.520 And you're actually really smart, you're gonna be okay. 345 00:25:04.520 --> 00:25:07.840 I've actually had to do a lot of that 346 00:25:07.840 --> 00:25:11.300 in the process of preparing this, right? 347 00:25:11.300 --> 00:25:14.400 And it's actually, you can ask my wife, 348 00:25:15.360 --> 00:25:18.480 it's actually been really powerful, really effective for me. 349 00:25:18.480 --> 00:25:21.080 And I've seen a lot of personal growth just even recently 350 00:25:21.080 --> 00:25:25.500 as I've been applying these principles to myself, right? 351 00:25:26.640 --> 00:25:28.800 And actually scientific research shows 352 00:25:28.800 --> 00:25:31.980 that when we do this, we're actually rewiring 353 00:25:31.980 --> 00:25:34.620 the neurological pathways in our brain, right? 354 00:25:34.620 --> 00:25:36.980 We're creating new highways and paths in the brain 355 00:25:36.980 --> 00:25:40.460 for positive thoughts to drive down, right? 356 00:25:40.460 --> 00:25:42.840 It's really practical and powerful. 357 00:25:43.940 --> 00:25:46.460 You know, and so I did a talk actually 358 00:25:46.460 --> 00:25:47.820 on this earlier this week 359 00:25:49.780 --> 00:25:52.580 on this topic of self-compassion 360 00:25:52.580 --> 00:25:54.340 and the danger of self-criticism. 361 00:25:54.340 --> 00:25:59.340 So, excuse me, that's in the parenting guide 362 00:25:59.700 --> 00:26:01.540 in the Raising Royalty page as well. 363 00:26:01.540 --> 00:26:03.500 So that's just go back, if you wanna catch up, 364 00:26:03.500 --> 00:26:06.260 I dive deeper into this, it's really relevant. 365 00:26:06.260 --> 00:26:08.180 So feel free to go back and catch up on that. 366 00:26:08.180 --> 00:26:12.300 But, you know, also use the SOZO tools 367 00:26:12.300 --> 00:26:15.380 that we learned in yesterday's session, right? 368 00:26:15.380 --> 00:26:16.620 It's a really big deal as well. 369 00:26:16.620 --> 00:26:19.860 Invite Jesus into those places of hurt when they come up 370 00:26:19.860 --> 00:26:21.220 and let him speak to you. 371 00:26:22.220 --> 00:26:26.340 You know, so basically we wanna acknowledge the feeling, 372 00:26:26.340 --> 00:26:28.460 name the feeling, give yourself permission 373 00:26:28.460 --> 00:26:32.100 to feel the feeling, and then get curious about the feeling. 374 00:26:32.100 --> 00:26:35.220 And once you've figured out what could be getting triggered, 375 00:26:35.220 --> 00:26:37.900 encourage yourself and invite Jesus into that space 376 00:26:37.900 --> 00:26:39.100 to speak to you, right? 377 00:26:39.100 --> 00:26:41.740 It's this process of healing. 378 00:26:43.100 --> 00:26:47.440 The next step, and we're getting close here, 379 00:26:48.740 --> 00:26:50.540 but this is a really big one, okay? 380 00:26:50.580 --> 00:26:53.420 So the next step, and this is the practical part, 381 00:26:53.420 --> 00:26:55.580 there's gonna be some homework on, okay? 382 00:26:55.580 --> 00:26:56.740 It's boundaries. 383 00:26:57.780 --> 00:27:00.100 Now, boundaries is basically the process 384 00:27:00.100 --> 00:27:04.400 of communicating what you feel that you need, right? 385 00:27:04.400 --> 00:27:06.900 And then sometimes being prepared to place an action 386 00:27:06.900 --> 00:27:08.340 behind what you've communicated. 387 00:27:08.340 --> 00:27:11.140 But put simply, boundaries is the process 388 00:27:11.140 --> 00:27:15.300 of communicating what you feel that you need, right? 389 00:27:15.300 --> 00:27:17.820 So when we feel resentment inside, 390 00:27:18.660 --> 00:27:21.060 it's usually just a sign 391 00:27:21.060 --> 00:27:24.060 that we haven't communicated a boundary early enough. 392 00:27:25.860 --> 00:27:28.180 You know, and here's why boundaries are so important, 393 00:27:28.180 --> 00:27:30.220 right, because the better we can get 394 00:27:30.220 --> 00:27:32.180 into valuing our own needs, 395 00:27:32.180 --> 00:27:34.340 the better we'll get at being able 396 00:27:34.340 --> 00:27:38.100 to value other people's needs, right? 397 00:27:38.100 --> 00:27:40.420 And because if you're good at boundaries, 398 00:27:40.420 --> 00:27:43.540 when you feel unvalued or unloved or disrespected 399 00:27:43.540 --> 00:27:47.260 by someone else, that inner child, 400 00:27:47.700 --> 00:27:49.860 that part of you inside won't be able to say, 401 00:27:49.860 --> 00:27:51.820 I'm not loved, I'm not important, 402 00:27:51.820 --> 00:27:54.460 because it will know that you love you 403 00:27:54.460 --> 00:27:56.100 and you respect you, right? 404 00:27:56.100 --> 00:27:58.980 This is a really big point 405 00:27:58.980 --> 00:28:00.860 that we're making this morning, right? 406 00:28:00.860 --> 00:28:04.420 So, and it also makes it more difficult 407 00:28:04.420 --> 00:28:06.240 for you to become triggered and disconnected 408 00:28:06.240 --> 00:28:07.260 because of that, okay? 409 00:28:07.260 --> 00:28:11.200 So now that's a lot to take in. 410 00:28:12.580 --> 00:28:15.340 Stick with me, you're doing great. 411 00:28:15.340 --> 00:28:16.280 We're almost there. 412 00:28:18.180 --> 00:28:20.540 You know, there's a couple things 413 00:28:20.540 --> 00:28:22.380 that are gonna be really important to realize 414 00:28:22.380 --> 00:28:24.820 in order for this to happen, right? 415 00:28:24.820 --> 00:28:28.780 So firstly, we have to realize 416 00:28:28.780 --> 00:28:32.540 that there are wants and needs inside of us 417 00:28:32.540 --> 00:28:36.380 that haven't been met, for most of us, at least. 418 00:28:36.380 --> 00:28:38.740 And the only person as an adult 419 00:28:38.740 --> 00:28:42.420 who's responsible for meeting those needs, right? 420 00:28:42.420 --> 00:28:45.140 So in me, the only person who's responsible 421 00:28:45.140 --> 00:28:49.000 for meeting those needs is me. 422 00:28:49.000 --> 00:28:52.700 And for me to expect anyone else to meet those needs, 423 00:28:52.700 --> 00:28:55.780 for me, is actually called codependency, 424 00:28:55.780 --> 00:28:58.260 which is a dysfunctional form of relationships, right? 425 00:28:58.260 --> 00:29:01.660 So going on a journey, it's gonna make sense in a minute, 426 00:29:01.660 --> 00:29:02.580 so stick with me, right? 427 00:29:02.580 --> 00:29:05.240 So obviously, we do need other people 428 00:29:05.240 --> 00:29:07.080 to meet our needs from time to time. 429 00:29:08.060 --> 00:29:11.580 But for me to expect someone else to meet my needs 430 00:29:11.580 --> 00:29:13.180 instead of me doing it, right? 431 00:29:13.180 --> 00:29:16.260 As opposed to me taking responsibility for me, 432 00:29:16.260 --> 00:29:17.620 that's codependency, right? 433 00:29:17.620 --> 00:29:19.500 And I'll give you an example of this. 434 00:29:20.940 --> 00:29:22.100 And this is key, right? 435 00:29:22.100 --> 00:29:23.060 So stick with me. 436 00:29:24.300 --> 00:29:26.220 There was a topic of tension 437 00:29:26.220 --> 00:29:31.220 between myself and my wife, Anna, for a lot of years, right? 438 00:29:31.900 --> 00:29:34.860 And basically, I was wanting her 439 00:29:34.860 --> 00:29:38.700 to ask me how I was feeling inside, right? 440 00:29:39.540 --> 00:29:40.820 More often than she was. 441 00:29:40.820 --> 00:29:45.740 And I was actually really hurt and kind of offended 442 00:29:45.740 --> 00:29:47.980 by the fact that she didn't ask me how I was feeling 443 00:29:47.980 --> 00:29:49.640 as much as I thought she should. 444 00:29:50.900 --> 00:29:54.660 But I learned that what was actually happening 445 00:29:54.660 --> 00:29:56.340 is that I was wanting, 446 00:29:58.100 --> 00:30:00.500 and we kind of realized this recently, which is. 447 00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:03.720 which is really cool. But I was wanting Anna to heal that inner 448 00:30:03.720 --> 00:30:07.400 child part of me that felt like nobody cared about how I was 449 00:30:07.400 --> 00:30:10.500 feeling inside. Right. So basically, I would just bottle 450 00:30:10.500 --> 00:30:13.160 up my emotions and you know, hoping she'd asked me how I'm 451 00:30:13.160 --> 00:30:16.120 doing. But at the end of the day, I was ultimately just 452 00:30:16.120 --> 00:30:19.200 wanting Anna to fill that hole in my heart that wasn't filled 453 00:30:19.200 --> 00:30:23.920 as a child. But here's the thing. It's actually not her 454 00:30:23.920 --> 00:30:27.800 responsibility to heal that wound. It's my responsibility 455 00:30:27.800 --> 00:30:32.040 now as an adult. Right? So what do I need to do to get that 456 00:30:32.040 --> 00:30:35.320 thing healed? You know, well, in addition to the social tools 457 00:30:35.320 --> 00:30:38.120 that we went over yesterday, I you know, what I need to do is I 458 00:30:38.120 --> 00:30:43.760 actually just need to volunteer my emotions and tell her about 459 00:30:43.760 --> 00:30:47.960 how I'm doing inside. And, you know, so that inner child inside 460 00:30:47.960 --> 00:30:52.520 of me that felt invisible, can begin to feel seen and known and 461 00:30:52.520 --> 00:30:57.040 valued, right. And so when I push through, this is this is a 462 00:30:57.040 --> 00:31:00.560 key point, there's a few of them this morning. Um, you know, 463 00:31:00.560 --> 00:31:03.400 when I push through the discomfort of volunteering, how 464 00:31:03.400 --> 00:31:07.440 I'm feeling inside, what I'm actually doing is I'm healing 465 00:31:07.440 --> 00:31:10.760 that part inside of me that gets triggered when Jackson's playing 466 00:31:10.760 --> 00:31:14.280 with Plato, and doesn't respond to me right away, right. And 467 00:31:14.280 --> 00:31:18.600 that's because my inner child is learning that I am seen. And I 468 00:31:18.600 --> 00:31:22.440 am valued, right? It's all connected. It's crazy. It's 469 00:31:22.440 --> 00:31:28.240 crazy stuff, right. So just another quick example, that Anna 470 00:31:28.240 --> 00:31:32.520 recently got breakthrough in this area was, you know, she was 471 00:31:32.560 --> 00:31:37.360 she was always wanting me to psychically know what she was 472 00:31:37.360 --> 00:31:42.400 wanting me to do for her. You know, how many of you husbands 473 00:31:42.400 --> 00:31:46.640 out there can relate to this? How many of you guys? You're 474 00:31:46.640 --> 00:31:51.480 gonna be okay. Right. But it was really scary for her just to ask 475 00:31:51.480 --> 00:31:55.120 me for what she felt she needed because she was wanting me to 476 00:31:55.120 --> 00:31:58.600 heal that inner child part of her that felt like it couldn't 477 00:31:58.600 --> 00:32:02.200 ask for what it needed. And it wasn't valuable. Right. But 478 00:32:02.200 --> 00:32:06.600 here's the thing. The only way for her to get that thing healed 479 00:32:06.600 --> 00:32:10.760 inside of her is for her to ask for what she feels that she 480 00:32:10.760 --> 00:32:15.400 needs and wants. Otherwise, that that part of her inside will 481 00:32:15.400 --> 00:32:19.520 never really feel healed and safe. Because it will always be 482 00:32:19.520 --> 00:32:23.800 dependent on someone else to meet her needs, right. But if 483 00:32:23.800 --> 00:32:27.480 she takes responsibility for what she feels she needs, then 484 00:32:27.480 --> 00:32:31.200 her heart can begin to heal in the safety of knowing that it's 485 00:32:31.200 --> 00:32:34.360 going to be taken care of. Right. So you know, when we were 486 00:32:34.360 --> 00:32:38.920 little kids, we literally needed other people to meet our needs, 487 00:32:39.200 --> 00:32:43.480 because we were helpless. But those strategies that we learned 488 00:32:43.480 --> 00:32:47.480 as kids, that were key to our survival are no longer helpful 489 00:32:47.480 --> 00:32:51.880 to us now as adults. Right. So we're going on a journey. It's 490 00:32:51.880 --> 00:32:56.200 all going to start making sense here. Okay, so, you know, so 491 00:32:56.200 --> 00:33:00.560 when we ask for what we feel that we need or want, or 492 00:33:00.560 --> 00:33:03.800 actually doing, we're actually in the process of literally 493 00:33:03.800 --> 00:33:07.960 healing that part of our inner child that needs to know that 494 00:33:07.960 --> 00:33:12.600 we're valuable and important. And these are the reasons that 495 00:33:12.600 --> 00:33:15.640 we walk around with this underlying resentment that 496 00:33:15.640 --> 00:33:19.960 causes us to trigger right. And so here's the next point, and 497 00:33:19.960 --> 00:33:23.560 we're almost done here. So if you're still with me, great job. 498 00:33:23.560 --> 00:33:28.360 Thank you. We're doing good. The next key point is to realize 499 00:33:28.360 --> 00:33:30.720 that it's going to be uncomfortable, right? Because 500 00:33:30.720 --> 00:33:34.160 discomfort means that something's changing. So if you 501 00:33:34.160 --> 00:33:36.680 want something to change, it's going to require some 502 00:33:36.680 --> 00:33:41.920 discomfort. You know, we have this, this fairy tale kind of 503 00:33:42.600 --> 00:33:46.600 fantasyland notion that getting our needs met is somehow not 504 00:33:46.600 --> 00:33:49.880 going to inconvenience anybody. But you know, it just doesn't 505 00:33:49.880 --> 00:33:53.040 require, it doesn't, it doesn't work that way, right? So love 506 00:33:53.040 --> 00:33:57.200 requires sacrifice. And if it costs somebody something, you 507 00:33:57.200 --> 00:33:59.760 know, even if they're inconvenienced, or even annoyed 508 00:33:59.760 --> 00:34:04.000 about it, then actually receive that as love, right? Because 509 00:34:04.000 --> 00:34:08.280 love requires sacrifice. And so, you know, if, if they're feeling 510 00:34:08.280 --> 00:34:11.960 inconvenienced, and they do it anyway, well, that sacrifice, 511 00:34:11.960 --> 00:34:16.040 isn't it? So, you know, Jesus was inconvenienced by the cross. 512 00:34:17.320 --> 00:34:22.600 But he was inconvenienced because he loves us. Right. So 513 00:34:24.159 --> 00:34:30.280 the next step is to realize, another key point is that we 514 00:34:30.280 --> 00:34:34.280 don't make anyone feel any way, right? What they do with the 515 00:34:34.280 --> 00:34:39.320 information that you give them is their choice, right? So can 516 00:34:39.320 --> 00:34:42.040 you do something that provokes an emotion in someone else? 517 00:34:42.440 --> 00:34:46.159 Absolutely, you can. But if you provoke something, it means that 518 00:34:46.159 --> 00:34:49.679 something was already there to begin with, right? And sadly, 519 00:34:49.719 --> 00:34:53.120 there's, there's a lot of unhealthy people out there, 520 00:34:53.159 --> 00:34:56.000 right? And if we live our lives to try not to offend other 521 00:34:56.000 --> 00:34:59.440 people with our desires and needs, we're going to end up 522 00:34:59.440 --> 00:35:00.000 probably just 523 00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:06.000 feeling very exhausted and resentful because at the end of the day you'll never be able to manage 524 00:35:06.000 --> 00:35:10.960 the emotions and reactions of a world of people who haven't yet learned how to respond in a healthy 525 00:35:10.960 --> 00:35:20.320 way and it was never your responsibility to do so anyway right um so we're wrapping up now 526 00:35:20.320 --> 00:35:24.960 take a deep breath it's going to be okay all right so here's the challenge for you today 527 00:35:24.960 --> 00:35:32.320 um your homework your challenge is to sit down with yourself um and make two lists 528 00:35:33.360 --> 00:35:39.280 um and you can do this over the next few days if you like but make a list of three things that are 529 00:35:39.280 --> 00:35:44.320 hard for you to ask for you know maybe it's asking your husband to help more around the house or 530 00:35:45.120 --> 00:35:51.360 maybe it's asking for more back rubs or or maybe it's or it's asking for a time slot to go 531 00:35:51.360 --> 00:36:00.560 work out right um and on that note um fitness is actually really big deal and a big um 532 00:36:01.120 --> 00:36:09.440 hack for emotional health right because when we work out what actually happens is our bodies 533 00:36:09.440 --> 00:36:17.200 purge themselves of the stress hormone cortisol which physically and emotionally and mentally 534 00:36:17.200 --> 00:36:23.680 cause us to just feel on edge and it causes our heart rate to rise and anxiety to rise but 535 00:36:23.680 --> 00:36:28.080 when we work out our bodies purge and cleanse themselves of cortisol and actually what happens 536 00:36:28.080 --> 00:36:35.680 is our bodies put into our our brains and our systems um oxytocin and dopamine which are 537 00:36:35.680 --> 00:36:40.720 which are peace hormones and and happy hormones so you know you can go into the gym that's why 538 00:36:40.720 --> 00:36:45.280 sometimes you come out you know they say runner's high right it's because this all this stuff is 539 00:36:45.280 --> 00:36:51.120 happening biologically it's affecting us emotionally so this actually has a really big 540 00:36:51.120 --> 00:36:57.680 deal on our mental health working out right also physical obviously as well so maybe that's one of 541 00:36:57.680 --> 00:37:04.880 the things that makes it on your list um and the second list um it's going to be two lists right 542 00:37:04.880 --> 00:37:11.360 and the second list that um that you're going to make is as you're doing life in the coming days 543 00:37:11.440 --> 00:37:17.120 um just just make a list of the times that you feel really triggered all right and ask jesus to 544 00:37:17.120 --> 00:37:21.920 reveal to you what those instances are showing you about the parts of you that were shut down 545 00:37:21.920 --> 00:37:26.720 in your childhood right so that you can start working your way through this process of healing 546 00:37:28.560 --> 00:37:33.760 and here's the thing it's because the better that we can get evaluating our own hearts and 547 00:37:33.760 --> 00:37:40.080 our own needs the better we'll be able to be evaluating other people's hearts and needs 548 00:37:40.080 --> 00:37:49.520 right so um guys it's a lot to take in um but it's a big deal right and this stuff is all really 549 00:37:50.160 --> 00:37:54.960 fresh a lot of this stuff i'm still in the middle of processing but i feel like it's really relevant 550 00:37:54.960 --> 00:38:02.400 to us um and i didn't you know i could have i could have gone into a lot of practical you know 551 00:38:02.400 --> 00:38:07.920 tools and hacks and skills but i really felt the lord showing me that if we didn't have the 552 00:38:08.000 --> 00:38:14.480 foundation sorted all the other stuff wouldn't matter right because we would just keep falling 553 00:38:14.480 --> 00:38:22.080 back into these cycles of disconnection otherwise so we wanted to start um this parenting challenge 554 00:38:22.080 --> 00:38:28.960 as sort of a launch pad for the future and the foundation of healthy whole connected parenting 555 00:38:30.080 --> 00:38:36.720 right so if you're with us this morning and you've been with us on this journey um you know thank you 556 00:38:37.360 --> 00:38:45.760 and it's the beginning of something exciting and um we're actually going to be launching into 557 00:38:45.760 --> 00:38:53.440 from here as a launch pad into another parenting challenge all right so this is going to be a five 558 00:38:53.440 --> 00:39:00.000 week parenting challenge that's going to actually be taking place inside of a different page a 559 00:39:00.000 --> 00:39:06.560 different group it's the online school of sonship page um and it's going to be happening um starting 560 00:39:06.560 --> 00:39:12.960 next week wednesday new zealand time 7 a.m which will be tuesday if you're in most other places in 561 00:39:12.960 --> 00:39:18.400 the world um and it's going to happen every wednesday for the next five weeks starting next 562 00:39:18.400 --> 00:39:25.760 week 7 a.m inside the online school of sonship group now if you're not familiar with that group 563 00:39:26.800 --> 00:39:34.560 there is literally hundreds of hours inside of there with discipleship material um with 564 00:39:35.280 --> 00:39:43.040 you know with talks on training and equipping and healing and ministry um and you know it's it's 565 00:39:43.040 --> 00:39:49.440 37 one-time fee to get access to the group where this is going to be taking place um it's normally 566 00:39:49.440 --> 00:39:55.920 14.97 so um there are so many people who've actually paid well over a thousand dollars 567 00:39:55.920 --> 00:40:00.000 to get into this group um and it's worth it guys i've been through the content 568 00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:03.840 and it has had a dramatic, so much of this stuff, guys. 569 00:40:03.840 --> 00:40:08.840 And one of the courses in this group 570 00:40:09.560 --> 00:40:10.400 is actually called 571 00:40:10.400 --> 00:40:12.520 The Seven Sacred Pathways to Intimacy, 572 00:40:12.520 --> 00:40:14.180 and it's about marriage. 573 00:40:14.180 --> 00:40:16.720 And that has had a tremendous impact 574 00:40:16.720 --> 00:40:20.080 on my relationship with my wife, right? 575 00:40:20.080 --> 00:40:21.920 It's some really good stuff 576 00:40:21.920 --> 00:40:24.000 that I have not heard anywhere else. 577 00:40:24.000 --> 00:40:26.280 And our connections with our spouses 578 00:40:26.280 --> 00:40:28.280 are actually a really big deal 579 00:40:28.360 --> 00:40:31.360 when it comes to this whole parenting thing, okay? 580 00:40:31.360 --> 00:40:36.360 So highly recommend that, totally worth your time. 581 00:40:37.600 --> 00:40:39.940 And I mean, basically giving it away at 37. 582 00:40:39.940 --> 00:40:43.920 So we're gonna drop a link to that group 583 00:40:45.240 --> 00:40:47.200 in the comments of this video, 584 00:40:47.200 --> 00:40:49.820 as well as in the parenting guide. 585 00:40:51.120 --> 00:40:52.760 And you'll see more on that coming. 586 00:40:52.760 --> 00:40:56.680 So if you wanna jump into that, look out for that link, 587 00:40:56.680 --> 00:40:58.660 jump in and be ready, all right? 588 00:40:58.660 --> 00:41:00.760 Cause we're gonna actually go a lot deeper 589 00:41:00.760 --> 00:41:02.320 into some of these topics, 590 00:41:02.320 --> 00:41:03.920 as well as probably cover a lot more 591 00:41:03.920 --> 00:41:05.160 of the practical side of things 592 00:41:05.160 --> 00:41:07.200 now that we've got our foundation sorted. 593 00:41:08.200 --> 00:41:10.160 So just before we wrap up this morning, 594 00:41:10.160 --> 00:41:12.420 I wanted to leave you with a few resources. 595 00:41:14.220 --> 00:41:17.140 There is a ministry out of Redding, California 596 00:41:17.140 --> 00:41:20.840 called Connection Codes, and really powerful. 597 00:41:20.840 --> 00:41:22.480 But one of the things they talk about 598 00:41:22.480 --> 00:41:24.440 is something called the core emotion wheel. 599 00:41:24.440 --> 00:41:27.000 And you can literally just Google this, 600 00:41:27.000 --> 00:41:29.120 Connection Codes core emotion wheel. 601 00:41:29.120 --> 00:41:31.600 And it's gonna show you the seven core emotions 602 00:41:31.600 --> 00:41:33.800 that we have inside of us happening. 603 00:41:33.800 --> 00:41:36.200 And what they say to do with this 604 00:41:36.200 --> 00:41:40.400 is literally just to take every day a moment of the day 605 00:41:40.400 --> 00:41:44.040 where you spend maybe 20 seconds on each emotion 606 00:41:44.040 --> 00:41:47.120 and just share with each other what's happening, right? 607 00:41:47.120 --> 00:41:50.040 I felt, today I felt angry when, 608 00:41:50.040 --> 00:41:53.200 today I felt sad when, today I felt happy when, right? 609 00:41:53.200 --> 00:41:54.440 And so it's only about, 610 00:41:54.440 --> 00:41:56.640 you're looking at maybe four or five minutes 611 00:41:57.960 --> 00:41:59.280 for the whole thing, right? 612 00:41:59.280 --> 00:42:00.280 Usually it goes a bit longer, 613 00:42:00.280 --> 00:42:02.520 but what you're doing is you're actually helping your heart 614 00:42:02.520 --> 00:42:04.640 to process what's happening inside of us. 615 00:42:04.640 --> 00:42:07.080 And as we've done this in our household, 616 00:42:08.080 --> 00:42:11.880 it's actually been really powerful as a way 617 00:42:11.880 --> 00:42:14.920 of causing our anxiety levels to go down, 618 00:42:14.920 --> 00:42:16.680 our stress levels to go down, 619 00:42:16.680 --> 00:42:18.660 our, the times that we get triggered 620 00:42:18.660 --> 00:42:19.860 to become less and less. 621 00:42:20.700 --> 00:42:23.900 So you can literally Google that 622 00:42:23.900 --> 00:42:25.980 and print it off and just start doing it, right? 623 00:42:25.980 --> 00:42:27.420 Connection Codes, Core Emotion, 624 00:42:27.420 --> 00:42:28.740 we have a really powerful ministry. 625 00:42:28.740 --> 00:42:31.660 They have some really good courses, highly recommend them. 626 00:42:32.980 --> 00:42:36.480 Another one is actually an app called NeuroCycle 627 00:42:36.480 --> 00:42:38.460 from someone named Dr. Carolyn Leaf. 628 00:42:38.460 --> 00:42:39.860 And she talks all about this, 629 00:42:39.860 --> 00:42:42.360 these neurological pathways rewiring the brain. 630 00:42:43.460 --> 00:42:45.060 Highly recommend her material, 631 00:42:45.060 --> 00:42:48.380 but this, the app is kind of just a walkthrough guide 632 00:42:48.380 --> 00:42:51.060 to help us start processing our emotions. 633 00:42:51.060 --> 00:42:53.860 And we're actually rewiring those neurological pathways. 634 00:42:54.860 --> 00:42:57.180 Also the head of SOZO, Dale Wright, 635 00:42:57.180 --> 00:43:00.280 who Renee mentioned yesterday, she's here in New Zealand. 636 00:43:00.280 --> 00:43:01.380 Feel free to reach out to her. 637 00:43:01.380 --> 00:43:04.300 A lot of this talk, I'm sure, 638 00:43:04.300 --> 00:43:07.120 will be bringing stuff up for you 639 00:43:07.120 --> 00:43:08.620 that's underneath the surface. 640 00:43:08.620 --> 00:43:11.160 I know it did for me as I was going through this. 641 00:43:12.180 --> 00:43:16.100 So it's absolutely okay to reach out to someone, right? 642 00:43:16.100 --> 00:43:17.420 Actually, I recommend it. 643 00:43:18.420 --> 00:43:20.020 So feel free to reach out. 644 00:43:20.020 --> 00:43:21.580 If you're not in New Zealand, 645 00:43:21.580 --> 00:43:23.740 there's SOZO ministries all over the place. 646 00:43:24.660 --> 00:43:27.500 Also Elijah House is another really good ministry 647 00:43:27.500 --> 00:43:31.180 that some great fruit that focuses on inner healing. 648 00:43:31.180 --> 00:43:32.000 So reach out. 649 00:43:32.000 --> 00:43:34.680 Also just any counseling and therapy, 650 00:43:34.680 --> 00:43:36.740 really effective as well, right? 651 00:43:36.740 --> 00:43:40.620 So the point is that we wanna get better at being whole 652 00:43:40.620 --> 00:43:44.060 so that we can offer a love from a place of overflow. 653 00:43:44.500 --> 00:43:48.620 So yeah, guys, that's it. 654 00:43:48.620 --> 00:43:50.100 That's us for this morning. 655 00:43:50.100 --> 00:43:51.620 If you've stuck with us through this, 656 00:43:51.620 --> 00:43:53.260 there's a lot to take in, 657 00:43:53.260 --> 00:43:55.780 but I might even recommend going through this 658 00:43:55.780 --> 00:43:58.820 a couple of times because it was really packed full. 659 00:43:58.820 --> 00:44:02.420 So if you followed all of that, well done. 660 00:44:02.420 --> 00:44:03.620 Congratulations to you. 661 00:44:03.620 --> 00:44:06.620 But again, guys, what we've covered 662 00:44:06.620 --> 00:44:08.700 in these three days together, 663 00:44:08.700 --> 00:44:11.580 I really believe is the foundation and the launch pad 664 00:44:12.500 --> 00:44:17.500 for world change and for a revolution 665 00:44:17.860 --> 00:44:19.340 of wholeness and connectedness 666 00:44:20.500 --> 00:44:23.180 and the love of Jesus expressed through family. 667 00:44:24.100 --> 00:44:26.500 So I'm excited for what's to come. 668 00:44:26.500 --> 00:44:30.340 I'm excited to journey together alongside each one of you 669 00:44:30.340 --> 00:44:34.300 as we seek to be empowered, whole and equipped 670 00:44:34.300 --> 00:44:37.380 and connected parents and families 671 00:44:37.380 --> 00:44:39.940 who express the unconditional love 672 00:44:39.940 --> 00:44:41.340 and acceptance of Jesus, right? 673 00:44:42.060 --> 00:44:45.340 Guys, we love you and we thank you 674 00:44:45.340 --> 00:44:46.740 and we're excited to journey with you 675 00:44:46.740 --> 00:44:48.740 and we'll catch you next time, all right? 676 00:44:49.780 --> 00:44:51.260 All right, guys, good job. 677 00:44:51.260 --> 00:44:52.340 Cheers. 678 00:44:52.340 --> 00:44:53.180 See you later.