WEBVTT

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Well, hello, hello, hello.

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How we doing?

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Welcome to day six of lockdown, if you're in New Zealand.

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If you're not in New Zealand, I hope you are free and roaming about, enjoying life.

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I'm certainly still enjoying life as well.

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But hey, I just wanted to share a little story, just another little hack, another little tip.

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It's from earlier today, something that happened with our son, Jackson, who's four.

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And I think it might be helpful.

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It's just something, it's a little win, another little win story that might help you.

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So anyway, earlier today, Jackson had taken himself to the bathroom and so after he came

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out of the bathroom, to spare you the details, he needed to wash his hands.

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And he didn't want to wash his hands, but him not washing his hands wasn't an option.

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So he was feeling a little bit, you know, controlled because we were saying, hey, but

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we need you to wash your hands.

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And so, you know, he was becoming a bit dysregulated.

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He went and hid himself behind a couch, wouldn't come out.

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So we had to lift him out from behind the couch and he's feeling very angry.

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The reason for that is because a person has a very deep core need for autonomy, free will.

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So when you start to try and take that from a person, especially a toddler who hasn't

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developed the upper rational part of their brain yet, that's really difficult for them.

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It's like taking oxygen from someone because we all have a core need for free will and

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self-governance, self-control and so we needed him to wash his hands.

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So we kind of tried the authoritarian, firm tone, alright buddy, come on, we need this

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to happen and that seemed to only be escalating the situation.

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So what do you do?

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Do you force?

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You can't force him to wash his hands.

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That's only going to escalate the problem further.

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So we tried a couple of other strategies that we learned and those strategies weren't working

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either and so finally, my wife tried another little tip that we learned recently that worked

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really well, which was, she said, hey Jackson, if you go wash your hands, I'm going to have

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to do something really silly.

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And Jackson, from being really angry and dysregulated, what are you going to do?

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And Anna said, well you're going to have to find out.

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You'll find out once you wash your hands and he just jumped up and he ran into the bathroom

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and he washed his hands, very happy, he was smiling and even laughing and he ran back

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into the room and he said, I've washed my hands now and Anna said, what are you going

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to make me do?

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And so he said, I want you to chase me like a chicken.

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And so Anna, of course, was true to her word, like a champ, chased him around the house

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like a chicken.

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I hope she's okay with me sharing this information, I should have asked, but anyway, and so we

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turned, you know, very quickly we turned a dysregulated, very angry and anxious little

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boy into a happy boy with clean hands.

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And the reason, I think the reason this works is because, you know, it's that core need

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that all people, all humans, but especially kids have for autonomy and free will, which

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is why God gave us free will.

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And so when we try and take that or force a situation as parents, it often will just

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backfire and become a power struggle because we're actually taking something that they

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deeply need as humans.

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So for them to say, yes, it's very violating to them.

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But the other thing to remember is that they actually really want to do what you want them

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to do.

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They actually want to please you as kids because they love you and they're good inside.

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So they really want to do the right thing, but they need a way to do it.

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that's not violating to them. So when you make it fun or playful then all of a

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sudden they can go ah I can do this now without feeling violated inside. And then

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the other thing it does when you say you're gonna have to what are you gonna

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tell me to do what silly thing are you gonna make me do it's actually a way of

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giving them some control back you're handing them some control back and

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saying you can do this thing and you get to we making it fun and we're giving you

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bit of control in there so and it works you know it just it's just a way if you

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have toddlers try it out and you'll be I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to

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see how how much of a charm it is so hope this helps hope you if you're here

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in New Zealand are enjoying some quality time with the fam and lockdown you know

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I didn't choose the lockdown life the lockdown life chose me but let's make

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the best of it and anyway love you guys again it's an honor and a blessing to

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do life with you and to run after the things have got together so bless you

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and we'll catch you next time thanks