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Oh, hey everyone.

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Hope you're well.

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I hope some people jump on here to join me.

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Not just talking to a screen, but I'm sure a lot of you will catch up with this later

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on.

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Hopefully you are having some fun in lockdown with the fam.

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Yeah.

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Hey, I just wanted to share a story with you guys, which is a real life example.

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Happened for me a couple of days ago with Jackson, and I think it was a win.

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I think it was good, and I think there was some things that I might be able to share

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which might be helpful.

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So what happened was, this is the day before yesterday.

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There was something that Jackson wanted to do that we couldn't really help him with.

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So there was an activity he wanted to do, and so Anna and I chatted about it, and we

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decided this isn't actually something we can do right now.

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Anna had to take Olivia for a nap, and I had to be focused on work during that time.

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So we said, hey bud, that's not going to work, so we're really sorry that we can't

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actually do that for you right now, because it requires too much supervision.

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So we needed him to be a little bit more self-sufficient, something that didn't require so much supervision,

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and he wasn't happy about that answer.

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He really wanted what he wanted, and usually he's pretty easygoing and kind of accepts

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things because he's just learned that he's not in charge.

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He didn't used to know that.

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It's taken some time to get there, and some learning, and some learning the hard way.

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But this particular occasion, he was testing limits, so he wasn't happy, and he's being

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very vocal about that.

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He said, no, I want to do this, and we said, no buddy, I'm sorry.

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That's not going to work.

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I'm really sorry.

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We can't do that right now.

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And he's saying, no, I want to, you know, it escalated quite quickly, at which point

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he starts yelling, and no, no, no, no, and so, you know, we just stayed, or at this point

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it's just me, so I stayed quite consistent and calm, but firm, and said, hey buddy, I'm

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sorry, that's not going to work.

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And so he starts yelling louder, no, no, and I said, hey bud, that's not going to work

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for you, you know.

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Yeah, we're not going to change our mind.

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You know, there's a key phrase that's been really helpful in moments of conflict like

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that is just gently, calmly saying, hey bud, I'm sorry, that's not going to work.

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If they're yelling, that's not going to work for you.

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And then also, we're not going to change our mind is a really helpful, it's a really helpful

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phrase, because then you're also kind of speaking to yourself, I'm not going to change

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my mind.

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And it's really important, you know, that we don't, you know, it's, there was a point

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where Jackson was, it's carried on for quite some time, where I was thinking, man, it would

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have actually been easier and probably less time consuming for me just to do this thing.

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But if we were to have changed course and then said yes, then what happens is we're

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teaching him that he can, you know, he can manipulate us.

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And then he's all of a sudden, he's the boss, and he's in charge.

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And that's actually really scary for him.

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You know, it might feel good in the moment.

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But we, it was funny, it's throughout the process, he's actually saying, you know, I

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was, he's saying, I want to be in charge.

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He's kind of figured things out, you know, and he said, I want to be in charge.

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And I said, hey, bud, you know, that's actually, that would actually be really scary for you

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to be in charge.

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You know, it's really hard to be in charge.

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And I want to be in charge, and I'm sorry, bud, that's not gonna work.

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And so, you know, you have a choice.

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I had a choice in this moment, you can kind of go a few different ways, you can, you can

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do the passive parenting and let him have what he wants, which isn't, isn't gonna work.

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That's not an option.

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Not a good one, at least.

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Or you could do what, you know, what a lot of parents do, which is the opposite of that

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and kind of do that, no, I said no, and shut it down with force and authoritarianism and

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which really kind of just shuts, shuts them down and shuts, shuts their little heart down.

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So that's not a good option either.

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So what you need to do is you actually just need to stay connected with them, stay firm,

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stay firm in what you've told them, so they know that you're going to do what you said

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you were going to do.

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You know, that was another thing I kept saying to him is, but I need, I need you to know,

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I need to be able to teach you.

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that I'm gonna do what I say I'm gonna do you know because if I teach you I'm

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not gonna do what I say I'm gonna do that's really scary for you and and so

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after a while you know he's starting to calm down you know and what happened was

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I kind of just sat I turned him so he's sitting next to me and I've got my arm

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around him and he's he's quite dysregulated for a while you know he's

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not he's not happy but I'm just really gentle and I'm just really I'm just

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really positive and affirming saying hey bud I really I love you so much I'm

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sorry you're feeling this way I'm sorry you're feeling sad you know and and and

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you know there's another key for you in this which is you have to connect before

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you can redirect because when they're amygdalas firing their lower brain they

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can't actually reason that well so you can't just you know I could I explained

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to him why but until he's feeling safe and regulated it's not gonna have much

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of an effect so I just had my arm around him and I just said hey bud we're

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gonna get through this I've got you I love you and just also affirming how

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they're feeling you know saying hey you're feeling really sad your feet you

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really wanted to do that thing didn't you you know and so you just journeying

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with them and you're so what you're doing is you're actually seeking of for

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connection can you have to connect before you can redirect and so you know

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I could have tried to rush it I could have tried to force it I could have

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tried to say hey bud you know just this is what it is and too bad and kind of

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left him there in his dysregulated state to to try and be a you know basically be

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alone in his his pain which isn't a great option either so yeah it was it

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was a bit time-consuming of a process but it was a really big win if you can

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just stick with them in connection and walk through them what walk with them

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through it you know and in just affirm and connect affirm and connect hey you're

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feeling this is really hard for you I'm really sorry you know and then once

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once you reach a point of connection you know a brain a child's brain can

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actually self-regulate it's actually not capable the only way they learn

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regulation is through co-regulation so when you're connecting with them and

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offering them a sense of comfort and safety then their brain can actually

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regulate the upper brain actually reaches down connects with the lower

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brain it says it's gonna be okay and so once I could kind of start to feel that

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he was starting to regulate calm down then you can redirect you know and so I

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kind of used another another little parenting hack to redirect which you

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know at some point when I felt like it was it was time and he was able to move

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on I said to him hey hey buddy I really hope you don't make me do something

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silly right now and you know just kind of try not to smile and I said oh but

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please don't make me do something silly right now and so he immediately snaps

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out of it you know it took a long time to get to that point but but the point

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is you need to connect with them before you can redirect but the other point

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which is really important is if you say you're gonna do something you have to do

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it or else they learn that you know they can they can manipulate you so there's

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kind of this this false notion that positive parenting is passive parenting

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well actually um it's actually takes a lot of you know a lot of strength to be

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connected with someone in a distraught dysregulated state and not change what

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you're gonna say you what you said you're gonna do and also not just to

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shut them down you know and say you know too bad for you and be a Thor

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authoritative about it so you know it's it's it's the hard road but it's the

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better road so anyway you know today it was funny today he wanted to do that

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same thing at the same time and that wasn't gonna work for us and we said hey

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but it's the same as yesterday that's not gonna work for us and he was totally

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fine immediately moved on because he had learned that he wasn't gonna get his way

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but we didn't shut him down he wasn't shut down in the process he was fully

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affirmed and connected and he knew that he's gonna be okay and that his needs

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mattered in his you know his heart mattered because we stay connected with

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him through the process so anyway that's the story hope I haven't rambled too

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much but hope it's helpful another quick note we're gonna be doing a parenting

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challenge in the group in a couple of weeks September 15th so I'll drop some

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details for that in the comments feel free to sign up for that if you want to

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get on the list and then yeah we're gonna have some fun it's gonna be really

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good so hope you guys are good and we'll catch you next time alright cheers guys

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thanks