WEBVTT

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Okay, so tonight's session is on boundaries.

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I am Renee Rizzo.

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I'm also the one who did online dating with you all.

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And if you hear a little whining in the background, that's my dog wanting attention.

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I'm really excited to talk about this topic because I feel like I've been talking about

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boundaries for like 30 years.

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And so if you have read the boundaries book, if you have done the boundaries and you're

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like been there, done that, have the certificate.

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I'm just going to ask you to just be willing to, you know, really stay in it today and

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really listen to everything.

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I might have some stuff you've already heard.

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Maybe you'll hear it with fresh eyes and maybe you will hear something new.

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I'm not going to lie.

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You guys, I actually changed the content today.

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I'm in, I'm in the middle of doing a level one trauma certification.

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And I feel like the instructor who her teaching, the teaching is like world renowned.

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And I feel like it has like undone me.

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Is that a correct word?

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I feel very undone right now.

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And so I really had to pray about like, is there anything that's in this content that

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needed to come out?

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And so I actually took a few slides out.

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I'm going to do lecture for like an hour I have a PowerPoint.

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So make sure you've got a pen to take some really good notes.

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I'm going to answer as hard of questions as you want.

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And then I'm going to send you guys into a breakout room.

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And I've come up with four questions for you to share with at least one other person.

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We'll see how many people hop on if I put you in groups of two or in groups of three.

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So we're going to go ahead and get started.

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I know a lot of folks are going to be watching this on replay as well.

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I know that everyone has a full life and not everyone can be here in the middle of

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the week.

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So I'm really honored when you all show up live.

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I know it's not easy.

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There's other things that you could be doing.

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So we're going to do boundaries one, oh, actually, I'm just going to I'm going to stop sharing

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for just a second.

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I want to see more faces.

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So many of you have your face hidden.

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And so just make sure before the end of the hour, when we go into the breakout room, that

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you take your camera and put it back on using your avatar hand.

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How many have read boundaries or done some kind of work in boundaries?

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And and so I'm just trying to see how much like this topic is completely new for folks

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versus all right, this is good.

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This is good.

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So it's like only about a third of the folks.

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All right.

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So I'm going to you can go.

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We can lower the avatar hands and I'm going to share the screen again and go right into

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this.

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OK, so boundaries one on one.

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So the thing is, we all talk about boundaries.

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I'm going to be moving my little grid up and around because it's going to always be in

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the way for me.

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People talk about boundaries and we're like, oh, I've got boundaries, I've got boundaries.

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But sometimes when people talk about boundaries, they're not saying it from a place of health.

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You know how Jackie has taught us that we have counterfeit lies that we're believing,

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which produce counterfeit identities.

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And from that, you also produce what I call boundaries that are built to protect that

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counterfeit self in the same way that you need to learn what your God given deal breakers

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are.

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You need to better understand what your God given boundaries are.

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So this is a way of kind of maybe shedding or looking at all of your boundaries and seeing

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if they're coming from a place of fear or a place of health.

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So a lot of times we talk about boundaries when we realize our life is unmanageable and

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we are completely exhausted or overwhelmed.

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Or if you're like me, you might be like this training junkie, like I'm constantly like

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learning more about myself and how I can be healthier mind, body and spirit.

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The third reason why people talk about boundaries is somebody else in your life has said you

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have no boundaries or you're busting their boundaries.

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And so you're like, Hey, maybe I need to look at my boundaries.

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Now for some of you are single mamas, it might be coming from your children.

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You might be either the too cool parent having no boundaries with your children, or you might

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be helicopter parent and you're trying to protect and save them from everything.

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So for whatever reason, wherever you are in this journey, I'm excited to have you here.

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Let's see.

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So the first place, believe it or not, that we see boundaries gone and muck happens actually

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in the garden of Eden.

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So you know, first Adam was given this territory.

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Here is the garden.

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You have access to everything.

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The only thing you're not going to partake in is the tree of knowledge and the tree of

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good and evil.

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So that's it.

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You can have everything else.

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But this, and then of course he creates Eve to be his help mate.

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And so I know we like to give Eve the bad rap like she's the reason why we have bad

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periods.

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She's the reason why we all fell.

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But here's the thing you guys, it actually started with both of them together.

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And so that original sin was them reaching for something that wasn't meant for them.

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Maybe it wasn't meant for them at the time, maybe it was a yet, or maybe it was ever.

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But at that time we had some innocence, you know, Adam and Eve are walking around naked,

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you know, they were living in the land of milk and honey and life was pretty fabulous.

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And at that point weren't experiencing anything dead or decaying.

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So you know, if you really, really sink into scripture, I was kind of raised thinking Eve

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was all alone having this convo with the serpent and Adam was faithfully serving somewhere

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else and totally missed it.

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And then she hopped over to him and like wooed him sexually into eating the apple.

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And that's really not what scripture says.

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You know, Adam evidently was right there next to her.

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And so the first thing that happened is Adam didn't protect Eve's ears.

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The second the serpent started tempting her, he missed the chance to protect her.

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And then of course, so he and then later when he's confronted by God, he's like, oh, it's

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her fault.

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So he uses what we call one of the first boundary busters.

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He blamed shifts with her.

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Of course, Eve is not completely innocent.

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She doesn't take God has it at his word.

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And she began to doubt his goodness.

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And in fact, she added commentary by the time she was confronted.

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You know, she was like, oh, well, we can't eat it or touch it.

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And that's not or look at it.

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And that's not what God had said in the command.

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And so she really didn't protect what was heard.

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So this is the first time we see boundaries kind of going amok.

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And at this point, Adam and Eve are no longer allowed in the garden.

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So now that boundary, they have to live outside of that boundary.

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So tonight, we're going to kind of unpack a little bit of what we call physical boundaries

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and internal invisible boundaries.

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You guys, I think we as we get older, we get really smart about the physical boundaries.

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We are less good at reining in our internal boundaries, especially when it comes to intimacy

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and even spirituality, especially the more evolved we get.

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We have a hard time reining that in.

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So we're going to kind of take a look at that.

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Here's the thing.

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Boundaries are not walls, but fences with gates.

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You guys have probably heard this.

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So boundaries aren't like this steel wall.

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So a lot of times when people grew up with no boundaries, like none whatsoever, they

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feel like to protect themselves, they need to put up the steel gate.

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And we're going to say that, you know, I love this idea of fences with gates, which means

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that it still is letting the good in and you're trying to leave the bad out.

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Because obviously, if you're trying to leave the bad out and you've got this wall with

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no fence, then nothing good is going to be able to come in.

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It also allows you to have better relationships.

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It provides stability and safety.

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You have an increased sense of well-being.

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You have better time management.

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And my new best friend is capacity management.

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I had a life coach teach this to me back in 2018.

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And especially as a public speaker, I had to learn that my capacity was as important

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as my time.

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And some things that like, if I work on my financials for an hour versus a public speaking

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gig for an hour, while I love public speaking, because I pour my heart and soul into it,

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it definitely pulls more capacity out of me than when I'm just kind of running the books

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in the background.

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Here's the thing.

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Even with the most perfect of boundaries, you're still going to face triggers.

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You're still going to face conflict.

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People are still going to try to get into your space.

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It's not like this is a perfect roadmap.

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And here's what I can tell you that I learned a lot, even in today's class that I took.

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It actually takes some control to have healthy boundaries.

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And so I feel like the world has gotten really big on using the word narcissist and control.

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Like control is a dirty word and the truth in its healthiest format.

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We need things in control.

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We need leaders in control.

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We need parents in control.

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Jesus was certainly in control of his story and his walk and what he did and didn't do.

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So we're going to kind of talk about what the extreme version of that, but I don't want

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you to think that you don't need some control.

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You do.

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We are all adults and we control our destiny and we control how well we use our boundaries.

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And so control doesn't have to be a dirty word.

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Here's the thing.

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Boundaries define and protect us.

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They define who we are and who we're not.

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They define what we own and what we don't own.

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It defines what we like and what we don't like.

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And it gives clarity on what's our responsibility

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versus somebody else.

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You guys, when you're dating,

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especially if you date a guy who is not as healthy

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and has done as much heartwork for you,

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it's gonna be really hard for you to not wanna jump in

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and help get him up to speed with you,

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either spiritually or in therapy.

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It is not your responsibility

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to do someone else's boundary or therapy

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or heart healing work for them.

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Boundaries also protect,

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it helps you know what's important to you

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and what you hold value to.

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And it's also gonna protect

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where you give your time, talents, and resources.

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So again, really pay attention to that.

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In dating, a lot of times the focus on boundaries

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is physical and sexual.

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And I wanna make sure you are deciding

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how much time you give somebody,

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how much emotional energy you give somebody,

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and how much of your personal story you're giving them.

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So kind of be thinking about that

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while I'm talking about this,

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because obviously I don't have time to unpack boundaries

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at work and with family and with children.

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We're really gonna kind of focus on

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the basic need for boundaries,

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what your busters are and how to be healthy,

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especially in dating and that early part of marriage.

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Because of course, this is last year single.

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So this is where we're heading.

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So if we want an example

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of who lived with healthy boundaries, Jesus.

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Jesus lived with healthy boundaries.

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Here's what I love about it.

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Even though he was 100% human, he was also 100% God.

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So if anybody could have worked outside his physical body,

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it would have been him.

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But I think he stayed in his human form

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and did boundaries from an earthly perspective

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so we would have a good model for us.

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So we can't just say, well, he was God.

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So of course he did that.

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So the first thing he did was he met his personal needs.

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And I mean, his basic needs for safety,

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emotional wellbeing, food, shelter, clothing.

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If you know that when he picked his friends

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and he picked his inner circle,

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he picked the women

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that were gonna financially support him.

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He had a whole network in place.

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So he made sure all of his physical

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and emotional and spiritual,

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all of his basic needs were met.

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He was willing to receive help from friends.

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You guys, he was God.

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So I'm sure he could have conjured up money.

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He could have conjured up everything that he need.

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Like, poof, we're in Galilee, there's my home.

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We're in Jerusalem, poof, there's my home.

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He allowed others to partner with him.

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Here's the thing though.

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Even though he was also fully God, he enjoyed solitude.

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He always took time to go and rest and pray

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and be with the Father.

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He also knew how to live in the moment.

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If anything, the clock was ticking.

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Like the minute his baptism happened,

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he knew his ministry time was on a short leash.

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He knew when he was gonna die

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and he knew how it was gonna happen.

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And he could have been focused on that cross the whole time.

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Like, I gotta get it done, I gotta get it done.

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It's getting closer, it's getting closer.

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But he always lived in the present.

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He moved unhurried.

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I don't know about y'all,

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but if I knew I only had about three years

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to get my main ministry done,

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I would have been running around like a crazy woman.

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And every time the disciples did some buffoon moment

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and said something or did something,

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I'd have been like, oh my gosh, Father,

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like, can you give me a little bit more time?

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Because these bozos are gonna blow it.

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Like, they're like making mistakes left and right.

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But he was never in a rush and he was never hurried.

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And he released outcomes to God.

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So I just added this today, he was in control.

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I don't ever remember looking for a place in scripture

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where Jesus was out of control,

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even when he was flipping the tables, you guys.

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If you read scripture, he actually took time

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to create this, I forget what it's called,

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but it was like that rod or that braid thing that he used.

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Like, he did it out of righteous anger,

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not out of chaotic rage.

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So even when he was angry, he was still in control.

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So you never remember a time where Jesus was out of control.

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And so that's a good reminder to me,

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because I'm Italian, I can feel all the feels

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and we can get out of control pretty darn fast.

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Here are things he did not do.

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He never responded to demands, threats, or guilt trips,

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not from other followers, not from his disciples,

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not from the Pharisees and not from the Romans guards.

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He never let somebody else manipulate him.

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He never was abusive physically, verbally,

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emotionally, or sexually.

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He never behaved entitled.

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You guys, he was the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

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And if anybody could have behaved entitled,

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it was him and he did not.

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And he also did not fall for the bait of others, and he in turn did not manipulate people.

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He always asked good questions with questions, he could have manipulated the stink out of

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people around him because he was kind of a schmoozer right we all got this impression

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that Jesus had a lot of je ne sais quoi.

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And so, he really could have manipulated people but he did not he wanted people to choose

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to follow him, and he did not operate with pride.

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Okay, so if you're ever going what do good good boundaries look like go to the Gospels,

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and look at how Jesus lived.

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The other thing that he did was really helpful is he also had expectations of others so he

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wasn't super codependent, he would actually ask people before they were going to get their

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healing well, what do you want, what do you want to he would actually make them ask for

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it, even though he's got he already knew what they wanted or needed and then he would ask

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them another question.

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Do you want to get well, how many of you guys I know people who actually don't want to get

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better.

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They are wet noodles, they are living in the land of victim, and as Jackie would say there's

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no trophies for trauma and there is, you can't be victorious and a victim at the same time

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but I know plenty of people, even, you know, around me that are touting their trophies

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of trauma and they're enjoying their land victory and I would actually argue, they don't

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want to get well they say they do, but nothing in the way that they're speaking or living

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is showing me that they actually want to get well.

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Even with this program you guys, Bethany and Jackie and myself and the other leaders, you

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know we can offer you all of the tools to have a healthy last season of your singleness

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have a healthy marriage, but you at the end of the day have to make your own choices and

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we can't make you do any of it.

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So how did Jesus teach us how to set boundaries.

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He taught us that we need to have personal prayer time with the Father.

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He also taught us that it was appropriate to speak the truth and love and you guys if

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I see something bust our boundaries.

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More than anything, it's from people afraid to speak the truth and love.

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He told us he taught us to set priorities remember he said we cannot serve two masters.

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He reminded us that it was important to please God and not people Jesus did not please those

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around him a lot.

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It means that no matter what the outcome is we have to trust and obey God.

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And here's another one that was always hard for me to understand, is that he did not heal

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00:17:30.200 --> 00:17:33.640
every single person he came into contact with.

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And I always wondered why, why didn't he just heal everybody in his wake and we don't know

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all of the reasons why.

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But one of the reasons could have been just this reminder to us that we cannot do it all.

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So when you and I step outside of our boundaries and protect and fix somebody else that we

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weren't meant to, or we do a task that the Lord didn't assign to us, we're actually robbing

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the healing from somebody else or we're actually robbing the gift from somebody else.

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So he knew when and where to lead and he knew when and where to leave.

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And so that's what I like about him.

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So where do our boundaries begin?

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Our boundary development actually happens really in those first few years.

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It is why they're doing so many studies that there is attachment disorders happening with

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children that are born and raised in orphanages.

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They're not getting that touch that they need in the first two years.

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00:18:27.200 --> 00:18:31.540
And so when they get adopted, they're having a hard time attaching to the parenting.

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So that bonding is really happening in those first few years.

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And it's where that child is having their safety needs first met.

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First everybody needs physical safety.

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00:18:43.240 --> 00:18:45.780
They need emotional security.

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They need financial security and they need consistency.

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00:18:48.840 --> 00:18:54.360
And at any time in their life that could be broken, either something happens to them that

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shouldn't have happened or there was a hole, there was a gap and they didn't receive something

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that they should have.

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So when something like that happens, we have what we call boundary injuries.

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And so what can that look like in real life?

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So maybe you were raised in a way where it was like, when you're good, you were treated

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00:19:13.040 --> 00:19:16.280
well by your parents and so you felt loved.

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When you were bad, you were punished and you were treated unloved.

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So I'm not saying that parents shouldn't have consequences for good and bad choices, but

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you have to watch the manner and intent that was done with it.

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So many of us have a positive memory with our parent when we did something good, but

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00:19:34.920 --> 00:19:39.920
when we were punished, there's a lot of shame and guilt that goes with it.

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And so it is okay for your child to have the consequences of unhealthy choices.

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What's not okay is for them to feel unloved or unworthy or unvaluable, even in the midst

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of their mistake.

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So we really want to pay attention to that.

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And you can have boundary busters if you have over-controlling parents and you

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Guys, the way I saw this play out,

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I think as I told many of you,

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I ran a pregnancy center for 20 years

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and the hardest clients to work with

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00:20:07.740 --> 00:20:10.400
were the ones where the parents kind of,

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they were the over-controlling helicopter parents.

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They made every choice for the child.

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They bailed the child out of every mistake they ever made.

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And so when this kid was finally making this big mistake,

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like an unplanned pregnancy,

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they did not have any of the skills

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or the equipment with which to handle it.

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So that's what can happen

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with an over-controlling parent.

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And then of course the opposite side of that

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is the cool parent, the fun parent,

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the parent with no limits.

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And then of course there are parents who have inconsistent.

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Now it can be inconsistent mother to father

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and they're not on the same page

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and the kids are seeing them not on the same page.

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That can be very unhealthy for the child

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or they have a parent that is in some kind of addiction.

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So if the parent is sober, there's healthy boundaries.

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If the parent is not sober, there are unhealthy boundaries

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00:21:01.280 --> 00:21:03.520
and the child just doesn't know which parent

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00:21:03.520 --> 00:21:05.600
they're gonna get on a given day.

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00:21:06.400 --> 00:21:09.160
As I meant, sometimes there is outside trauma.

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You know, I was born with a birth defect, you guys,

387
00:21:12.440 --> 00:21:15.120
and I was in the hospital from the age of two to 18

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with surgeries.

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That alone didn't cause the trauma,

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00:21:18.360 --> 00:21:21.600
but a lot of the way the hospital handled the surgery

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00:21:21.600 --> 00:21:23.120
and the recovery from that

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00:21:23.120 --> 00:21:25.680
created a lot of outside trauma for me.

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00:21:25.680 --> 00:21:26.900
That was nobody's fault.

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00:21:26.900 --> 00:21:28.340
It was just they did what they thought

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00:21:28.340 --> 00:21:31.980
was the right thing to do back then, but it created trauma.

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00:21:31.980 --> 00:21:34.980
And then finally, number six, somewhere in the family,

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there is some sin.

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It could be infidelity in the marriage.

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00:21:38.260 --> 00:21:39.140
It could be rage.

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00:21:39.140 --> 00:21:41.820
So even though the sin is between the parents

401
00:21:41.820 --> 00:21:43.780
or involved the grandparent,

402
00:21:43.780 --> 00:21:46.860
and we have to remember that there's the ripple effect down.

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00:21:46.860 --> 00:21:50.120
And so sin doesn't escape a lot of people.

404
00:21:50.120 --> 00:21:52.600
We think that when you sin or I sin,

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00:21:52.600 --> 00:21:55.180
the only two people that are involved in the actual sin

406
00:21:55.180 --> 00:21:57.060
are the ones that get hurt by it.

407
00:21:57.060 --> 00:22:00.420
But we can all attest that we are on the receiving end

408
00:22:00.420 --> 00:22:03.980
of the ripple effect of sin all around us.

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00:22:03.980 --> 00:22:06.720
And so even when we're getting it all right,

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00:22:07.860 --> 00:22:09.160
sometimes we're having issues there.

411
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All right, so now I'm gonna go into three main areas

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00:22:12.940 --> 00:22:14.580
of boundary busters.

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So these are the things that stop us

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00:22:17.660 --> 00:22:19.100
from having healthy boundaries.

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I'm starting with the one that people have a hard time

416
00:22:21.960 --> 00:22:24.220
believing is a boundary buster,

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00:22:24.220 --> 00:22:28.100
because in its healthy form, it's empathy.

418
00:22:28.100 --> 00:22:29.940
Empathy is a good thing.

419
00:22:29.940 --> 00:22:33.900
You and I should have empathy for one another.

420
00:22:33.900 --> 00:22:37.100
There's a part of our soul that wants to nurture

421
00:22:37.100 --> 00:22:39.100
and care for other people.

422
00:22:39.100 --> 00:22:42.340
But when we grew up with unhealthy boundaries,

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00:22:42.340 --> 00:22:46.300
we took this natural God-given gift of empathy,

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00:22:46.300 --> 00:22:48.380
and it turns into codependency,

425
00:22:48.380 --> 00:22:52.020
people-pleasing, and performance.

426
00:22:52.020 --> 00:22:56.100
And so instead of feeling responsible to others

427
00:22:56.100 --> 00:23:00.980
side-by-side, we start to feel responsible for everybody,

428
00:23:00.980 --> 00:23:03.380
and we get what we call codependent.

429
00:23:03.380 --> 00:23:04.860
Now, I read the book,

430
00:23:04.860 --> 00:23:09.340
Codependent No More, Melody Beattie, a million years ago.

431
00:23:09.340 --> 00:23:11.900
And so I kind of wore my codependency

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00:23:11.900 --> 00:23:13.180
with a badge of honor.

433
00:23:13.180 --> 00:23:14.980
I was like, well, I'm not the addict.

434
00:23:14.980 --> 00:23:16.220
I'm not the narcissist.

435
00:23:16.220 --> 00:23:17.420
I'm the Cody.

436
00:23:17.420 --> 00:23:19.260
I'm the one that loves everybody.

437
00:23:19.260 --> 00:23:21.100
I put everybody else first.

438
00:23:21.100 --> 00:23:24.460
And so I thought I was the healthier

439
00:23:24.460 --> 00:23:29.460
of the codependent-addictive person or combination.

440
00:23:29.780 --> 00:23:32.540
What I'm just learning is the codependent

441
00:23:32.540 --> 00:23:37.540
is just a more covert form of control in its unhealthy state.

442
00:23:38.380 --> 00:23:41.940
Now, remember we said Jesus showed healthy control.

443
00:23:41.940 --> 00:23:44.260
As a boss, you need to be in control.

444
00:23:44.260 --> 00:23:47.140
When you see a red light, you stop for the red light.

445
00:23:47.140 --> 00:23:50.860
That's all of us operating in healthy control.

446
00:23:51.620 --> 00:23:52.660
So I'm gonna start to look at what happens

447
00:23:52.660 --> 00:23:54.260
with unhealthy control,

448
00:23:54.260 --> 00:23:57.660
and it shows up in this most subtle way.

449
00:23:57.660 --> 00:24:00.060
I dare say I am from the North,

450
00:24:00.060 --> 00:24:01.900
and I now live in the South.

451
00:24:01.900 --> 00:24:04.140
And a lot of my Southern friends

452
00:24:04.140 --> 00:24:07.620
sit in this codependent, people-pleasing,

453
00:24:07.620 --> 00:24:12.620
over-over version of, perverted version of empathy.

454
00:24:13.100 --> 00:24:17.380
And we are here to fix, protect, rescue.

455
00:24:17.380 --> 00:24:19.620
We carry other people's burdens.

456
00:24:19.620 --> 00:24:23.260
We are often tired, anxious, fearful.

457
00:24:23.260 --> 00:24:25.820
We are concerned with solutions and answers.

458
00:24:25.820 --> 00:24:26.740
We want to be right.

459
00:24:26.740 --> 00:24:28.260
We want to perform.

460
00:24:28.260 --> 00:24:30.620
Here's the hardest word I ever heard

461
00:24:30.620 --> 00:24:32.300
associated with codependency.

462
00:24:32.300 --> 00:24:33.580
A pastor said this to me.

463
00:24:33.580 --> 00:24:36.660
He said, Renee, you kind of manipulate people.

464
00:24:36.660 --> 00:24:40.100
And I was like, no, I'm like, nice.

465
00:24:40.100 --> 00:24:42.500
I'm like a pushover.

466
00:24:42.500 --> 00:24:44.220
What are you talking about?

467
00:24:44.220 --> 00:24:48.220
And he's like, yeah, codependent people are kind of subtle.

468
00:24:48.220 --> 00:24:53.020
They overextend, overgive, over-fix somebody else

469
00:24:53.020 --> 00:24:55.660
to the point that you feel like you're trying

470
00:24:55.660 --> 00:24:58.620
to get a certain behavior and outcome back.

471
00:24:58.620 --> 00:25:00.260
So you're kind of doing it.

472
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:06.160
for a purpose. And so that's when you know you've gone from just empathy to codependency

473
00:25:06.160 --> 00:25:10.960
when you're expecting a certain outcome. An empathetic person is just going to serve and

474
00:25:10.960 --> 00:25:15.760
give to their own capacity. And when they have nothing left to give, they're not going to give

475
00:25:15.760 --> 00:25:23.200
beyond that. And they expect nothing in return. A codependent will give past their capacity.

476
00:25:23.200 --> 00:25:29.520
They will overextend themselves. And then most of the time they will be upset if they are not thanked,

477
00:25:29.600 --> 00:25:37.120
affirmed, or verbally loved in return. So that's how I know I'm being codependent. When I get like

478
00:25:37.120 --> 00:25:43.840
my feathers in a ruffle, when I feel like I've not been honored for me being such a pushover

479
00:25:43.840 --> 00:25:51.920
slave to everybody. When you are healthy, showing empathy, you encourage, you confront,

480
00:25:51.920 --> 00:25:56.640
there's that phrase, confront. And we're going to talk about that in a little bit. You share,

481
00:25:56.640 --> 00:26:03.600
you listen to hear and not respond. You are empathetic and yet you feel relaxed and free

482
00:26:03.600 --> 00:26:09.840
and aware and reliable. You are relating to the another person with your own feelings while

483
00:26:09.840 --> 00:26:14.880
allowing for their feelings. And at the end of the day, you expect the other people to be

484
00:26:14.880 --> 00:26:19.680
responsible for themselves. You guys running a clinic, I had plenty of opportunity to be

485
00:26:19.680 --> 00:26:24.400
codependent with my clients where I wanted to fix and do everything for them. Especially if they

486
00:26:24.400 --> 00:26:27.200
were going to have this baby. I'm like, well, they're going to have this baby. I need to make

487
00:26:27.200 --> 00:26:32.720
sure that they're going to be a good mom. And if they fall, I need to pick them back up. As hard as

488
00:26:32.720 --> 00:26:39.600
it was, I learned how to be empathetic with my clients while allowing them to make their final

489
00:26:39.600 --> 00:26:45.760
decisions. And you guys, this is really hard to do when the person that we're being codependent

490
00:26:45.760 --> 00:26:52.720
with is somebody we love and care about. So it's really easy to stay in empathy versus codependency

491
00:26:52.720 --> 00:26:58.400
when you're not as attached, but when you're in love with your child, maybe it's a family member

492
00:26:58.400 --> 00:27:03.920
or it's the guy that you're dating right now, all of a sudden you can easily become codependent.

493
00:27:03.920 --> 00:27:08.880
And you guys, especially for those of us doing the, you guys are now done with the heartwork and

494
00:27:08.880 --> 00:27:14.720
your knee deep in you guys eat now, just so you're clear, the guys in single nation are just guys

495
00:27:14.720 --> 00:27:22.320
that Jackie tried to make sure are real. 90% of them haven't done the heartwork and 10% of them

496
00:27:22.320 --> 00:27:28.720
are just starting the heartwork. So they've done about this much work compared to your work. And so

497
00:27:28.720 --> 00:27:34.160
you can become super Cody, myself included. When you start talking to a guy, you're like, Oh, I'm

498
00:27:34.160 --> 00:27:38.960
going to help him kind of get up to me. I'm going to help him do his recovery for him. So this is

499
00:27:38.960 --> 00:27:45.920
how it could show up. I call it covert control freak because it's more subtle. It looks nicer

500
00:27:45.920 --> 00:27:52.800
and it looks prettier than the other side that we think is the bad guy. So controllers and

501
00:27:52.800 --> 00:28:01.920
narcissists, and this is overt, abusive, strong, controlling, crazy behavior. Now, for some of you

502
00:28:01.920 --> 00:28:06.560
who said to me last week in the online dating, Renee, how do we not attract a narcissist?

503
00:28:07.440 --> 00:28:14.480
And I would say, don't be overly codependent. The overly codependent will like, it's like you

504
00:28:14.480 --> 00:28:20.720
are like a magnet for the narcissist because he knows that he will be able to suck the life force

505
00:28:20.720 --> 00:28:28.160
out of you. So you can't stop other people behaving as a narcissist. You can control

506
00:28:28.160 --> 00:28:34.160
your own behavior. But here's the thing, you guys, we are not all innocent here. There are times

507
00:28:34.160 --> 00:28:40.400
if we're honest with ourselves in some areas of our life, if we were codependent, it is possible

508
00:28:40.400 --> 00:28:45.600
there's another area of our life, whether with our friends, our family, or coworkers, or in

509
00:28:45.600 --> 00:28:53.040
another unhealthy relationship that we became the overt control freak. And it could have shown up

510
00:28:53.040 --> 00:28:59.920
in one of two ways. The first one is a much more aggressive one. It's more obvious. You see them

511
00:28:59.920 --> 00:29:06.080
coming in the room and they're the mover and their shaker. They don't listen to people. They tend to

512
00:29:06.160 --> 00:29:10.400
run people over. They neglect their own responsibilities, ironically, because they

513
00:29:10.400 --> 00:29:14.800
expect other people to pick up the slack for them, typically the codependence in their life.

514
00:29:15.440 --> 00:29:21.280
And they don't accept others as they are. They're constantly trying to change them.

515
00:29:21.280 --> 00:29:29.120
So I think you and I can spot that control person a mile away. My suspicion is with all the heart

516
00:29:29.120 --> 00:29:34.800
work you've done, you're good. The other controller is the one that you and I need to be a little bit

517
00:29:34.800 --> 00:29:40.400
more cautious of. And I dare say, maybe we can can turn into that. There's the manipulative

518
00:29:40.400 --> 00:29:48.400
controller. It's a little bit more seductive. They woo and talk people into a yes. They persuade,

519
00:29:48.400 --> 00:29:56.480
they schmooze, they indirectly manipulate the situation to stack the deck towards a yes.

520
00:29:56.480 --> 00:29:59.920
So it's the art of seduction. So if he is super hot.

521
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.960
And he is wooing you with words and gifts and promises.

522
00:30:04.960 --> 00:30:07.640
He might be trying to control you.

523
00:30:07.640 --> 00:30:09.520
You guys, I'm really showing my age.

524
00:30:09.520 --> 00:30:13.800
So back when I was in my early twenties, I saw this awful movie called nine and a half

525
00:30:13.800 --> 00:30:16.880
weeks with Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke.

526
00:30:16.880 --> 00:30:20.120
I mean, talk about the manipulative controller.

527
00:30:20.120 --> 00:30:23.280
He wooed her into really horrific behavior.

528
00:30:23.280 --> 00:30:27.960
And so when people talk about 50 shades of gray, I always say it's just nine and a half

529
00:30:27.960 --> 00:30:30.920
weeks movie, like 25 years later.

530
00:30:30.920 --> 00:30:36.840
And in both of those movies, you see a seduction, a manipulative control.

531
00:30:36.840 --> 00:30:42.120
And so she's not getting scared or beaten into this, but he is, he is wooing these women

532
00:30:42.120 --> 00:30:45.960
to make some really unhealthy choices.

533
00:30:45.960 --> 00:30:47.280
Here's the thing though.

534
00:30:47.280 --> 00:30:50.800
Remember, there are healthy controlling people in our life.

535
00:30:50.800 --> 00:30:52.320
They are the pioneers.

536
00:30:52.320 --> 00:30:54.760
They are founders of organizations.

537
00:30:54.760 --> 00:30:59.600
They are the ones that are inventing like the new medicine, the new technology.

538
00:30:59.600 --> 00:31:04.400
I dare say people would call Elon Musk a control freak, right?

539
00:31:04.400 --> 00:31:10.200
He's an aggressive controller, but the world has also been a better place for it.

540
00:31:10.200 --> 00:31:14.840
I would say that there's also a healthy level of narcissism.

541
00:31:14.840 --> 00:31:21.400
People like very, very, very few people, if you ask a therapist, very few people are diagnosed

542
00:31:21.400 --> 00:31:24.960
with the personality disorder, narcissism.

543
00:31:24.960 --> 00:31:27.940
That is somebody who is at the extreme end of it.

544
00:31:27.940 --> 00:31:30.160
They will not recognize their behavior.

545
00:31:30.160 --> 00:31:34.400
They have no empathy and they have no desire to change.

546
00:31:34.400 --> 00:31:39.000
All of us at times can show narcissistic tendencies.

547
00:31:39.000 --> 00:31:41.480
I mean, I know, right?

548
00:31:41.480 --> 00:31:42.480
Shock.

549
00:31:42.480 --> 00:31:43.480
Okay.

550
00:31:43.480 --> 00:31:48.080
But think about some of the positions you want them to have a little bit of narcissism.

551
00:31:48.080 --> 00:31:53.520
The guy who's going to do surgery on my eyes, I want him to be a little narcissistic.

552
00:31:53.520 --> 00:31:57.620
I want him to think he's a God with that blade when he's touching my eyes.

553
00:31:57.620 --> 00:32:02.880
The guy that's doing open heart surgery, the police officer who's protecting you in like

554
00:32:02.880 --> 00:32:08.200
a showdown, the firefighter who is trying to get you off the roof and save your life.

555
00:32:08.200 --> 00:32:12.960
I bet you there are a bunch of people in the Trade Center who wanted those firefighters

556
00:32:12.960 --> 00:32:17.180
to be a little narcissistic and have that hero complex thinking that they were going

557
00:32:17.280 --> 00:32:23.220
to be able to save everybody and this plane was not going to knock the building down.

558
00:32:23.220 --> 00:32:28.700
And so there are actually times that a little, I mean, pastors, you guys, there are what?

559
00:32:28.700 --> 00:32:30.580
5,000 people watching a sermon.

560
00:32:30.580 --> 00:32:36.380
If a pastor wasn't a little bit of a narcissist, he would not have the stamina to do sermon

561
00:32:36.380 --> 00:32:41.660
after sermon and hear everyone's Monday morning quarterback and kind of shredding it.

562
00:32:41.660 --> 00:32:44.100
So just kind of own that.

563
00:32:44.100 --> 00:32:47.660
We can all head towards narcissism just a little bit.

564
00:32:47.660 --> 00:32:53.780
A very small population out there is what we would call clinically narcissist, but if

565
00:32:53.780 --> 00:32:59.060
I were going to tell you to watch out for any type of narcissist or control behavior,

566
00:32:59.060 --> 00:33:00.540
it would be the manipulation one.

567
00:33:00.540 --> 00:33:05.580
I think that is the most seductive and the hardest one to spot.

568
00:33:05.580 --> 00:33:08.380
And here's what I will say, you guys.

569
00:33:08.380 --> 00:33:13.660
Aggressive and passive aggressive are both unhealthy behaviors.

570
00:33:13.660 --> 00:33:18.140
Codependent and over-controlling are both unhealthy behaviors.

571
00:33:18.140 --> 00:33:23.900
So I don't want you to think because one's more over versus covert that suddenly we get

572
00:33:23.900 --> 00:33:25.060
a free pass.

573
00:33:25.060 --> 00:33:28.300
The Lord wants us to nip both of those.

574
00:33:28.300 --> 00:33:29.300
Okay.

575
00:33:29.300 --> 00:33:30.300
Boundary buster.

576
00:33:30.300 --> 00:33:34.620
Obviously the biggest boundary buster we saw was blame.

577
00:33:34.660 --> 00:33:36.940
It's the first thing that Eve did.

578
00:33:36.940 --> 00:33:39.820
I mean, actually Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the serpent.

579
00:33:39.820 --> 00:33:42.020
So they kind of both did it.

580
00:33:42.020 --> 00:33:45.860
Whenever we use blame, blame squashes out empathy.

581
00:33:45.860 --> 00:33:51.620
And so if we're in a situation when we start to blame another person, empathy can't show

582
00:33:51.620 --> 00:33:53.260
up.

583
00:33:53.260 --> 00:33:59.220
It focuses on the other person without us having a willingness to look inside of ourselves.

584
00:33:59.220 --> 00:34:03.580
And if we're not willing to look inside of ourselves, we cannot be vulnerable and make

585
00:34:03.580 --> 00:34:04.960
a real connection.

586
00:34:04.960 --> 00:34:10.460
You guys, the biggest turnoff for me when I start dating a guy is if he blames his ex-wife

587
00:34:10.460 --> 00:34:11.460
for everything.

588
00:34:11.460 --> 00:34:13.219
I don't care if she was a narcissist.

589
00:34:13.219 --> 00:34:14.699
I don't care if she beat him.

590
00:34:14.699 --> 00:34:17.440
I don't care if I do care.

591
00:34:17.440 --> 00:34:22.620
And I care if she cheated on him, but chances are he played a part in the story, even if

592
00:34:22.620 --> 00:34:24.500
it was more covert.

593
00:34:24.500 --> 00:34:29.580
And it's not my business to find out on those first three dates, what she did wrong.

594
00:34:29.580 --> 00:34:33.300
If he's going to talk about his divorce, which he really shouldn't on the first few

595
00:34:33.300 --> 00:34:38.820
dates, I'm most concerned about who he is, what he learned and what he's going to do

596
00:34:38.820 --> 00:34:39.820
different.

597
00:34:39.820 --> 00:34:40.820
Cause guess what?

598
00:34:40.820 --> 00:34:41.820
I'm not an abuser.

599
00:34:41.820 --> 00:34:43.300
I'm not going to cheat on him.

600
00:34:43.300 --> 00:34:45.179
So I don't really care what she did.

601
00:34:45.179 --> 00:34:49.139
I know who I'm going to be when I show up in this relationship, because I can tell you

602
00:34:49.139 --> 00:34:53.100
this, you guys, and so many of you have exes and you can attest to this.

603
00:34:53.100 --> 00:34:58.540
Anytime I ever dated a guy who blamed everything a hundred percent on his ex, if something

604
00:34:58.540 --> 00:35:00.540
went wrong in our relationship,

605
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:04.040
100% of the time, it would be all my fault.

606
00:35:04.040 --> 00:35:09.440
So if somebody always puts the blame on somebody else, chances are they're going to repeat

607
00:35:09.440 --> 00:35:12.040
that blame busting behavior.

608
00:35:12.040 --> 00:35:16.960
The other biggie that happens with a boundary buster is triangulation.

609
00:35:16.960 --> 00:35:21.180
A triangulation is me and the person I'm upset with.

610
00:35:21.180 --> 00:35:25.760
I am too chicken, too afraid, too whatever to go talk to them.

611
00:35:25.760 --> 00:35:32.320
So I tell my friend instead, and either I want my friend to tell the other person instead

612
00:35:32.320 --> 00:35:39.240
of me going directly to the person, Matthew 18 models to us how to handle any kind of

613
00:35:39.240 --> 00:35:41.920
confrontation or issue that arises.

614
00:35:41.920 --> 00:35:49.820
So whether this is your parent, your boyfriend, your coworker, your boss, Jesus himself has

615
00:35:49.820 --> 00:35:54.380
modeled to us to go to that person and speak the truth in love.

616
00:35:54.380 --> 00:35:59.140
If you ever feel unsafe, you go with a trusted advisor.

617
00:35:59.140 --> 00:36:04.280
So if at any point that you guys are dating somebody and you're afraid to go to that person

618
00:36:04.280 --> 00:36:09.140
or you don't feel equipped to go to that person because you never learned how to do confrontation

619
00:36:09.140 --> 00:36:14.100
healthy, that's when you call in a counselor to do it with you.

620
00:36:14.100 --> 00:36:18.200
And instead of you going to your girlfriends, your single friends or people that are upset

621
00:36:18.200 --> 00:36:24.140
with their own husbands, you bring in another person just creates a triangle and it's not

622
00:36:24.900 --> 00:36:28.420
going to ever bring resolution and it's not going to create healthy boundaries for the

623
00:36:28.420 --> 00:36:29.780
relationship.

624
00:36:29.780 --> 00:36:33.700
Other people should not know what's going on in your story, especially in your dating

625
00:36:33.700 --> 00:36:37.700
story before the very person that offended you.

626
00:36:37.700 --> 00:36:41.100
That's the first person you should always be talking to.

627
00:36:41.100 --> 00:36:42.720
Okay.

628
00:36:42.720 --> 00:36:48.260
So I'm going to talk a little bit about what healthy confrontation looks like.

629
00:36:48.260 --> 00:36:52.600
And I know some of you are like freaked out just hearing the word confrontation.

630
00:36:52.600 --> 00:36:56.120
Confrontation doesn't need to be yelling, screaming, shouting, hitting.

631
00:36:56.120 --> 00:36:57.720
That's not confrontation.

632
00:36:57.720 --> 00:37:01.760
The actual definition of confrontation is showing up face to face.

633
00:37:01.760 --> 00:37:04.600
So confront, it means with front.

634
00:37:04.600 --> 00:37:07.640
So it means showing up with your full front.

635
00:37:07.640 --> 00:37:14.240
To do it healthy, you come into the conversation by not raising your voice.

636
00:37:14.240 --> 00:37:18.200
You don't invade their space and you don't need to be big.

637
00:37:18.200 --> 00:37:24.120
In fact, if I was ever trying to confront my staff, I would always bring them into the

638
00:37:24.120 --> 00:37:29.040
part of my office where there was the couch and the reclining chairs because I wanted

639
00:37:29.040 --> 00:37:30.960
us to sit a little bit more relaxed.

640
00:37:30.960 --> 00:37:33.040
I took the power control.

641
00:37:33.040 --> 00:37:39.600
Like instead of behind my desk where I'm in the seat of power, I would kind of flatten

642
00:37:39.600 --> 00:37:41.160
the playing field.

643
00:37:41.160 --> 00:37:46.180
You don't want to attack, not with your words, not physically, not mentally or emotionally.

644
00:37:46.180 --> 00:37:51.300
Remember you don't want to blame and you don't want to gaslight or shift focus.

645
00:37:51.300 --> 00:37:56.420
So when you go into healthy confrontation, you want to lean into the fact that negative

646
00:37:56.420 --> 00:37:57.900
emotions are going to come up.

647
00:37:57.900 --> 00:38:03.420
No matter how amazing you do it, there's going to be negative emotions that come up.

648
00:38:03.420 --> 00:38:08.660
Just be prepared to sit in that tension for a bit, knowing that you may not feel better

649
00:38:08.660 --> 00:38:09.660
right away.

650
00:38:09.660 --> 00:38:12.780
This is you trying to create healthy boundaries.

651
00:38:12.780 --> 00:38:15.740
You need to be willing to have tough and hard conversations.

652
00:38:16.300 --> 00:38:20.540
I've always heard from therapists, some of the most unhealthy relationships they have

653
00:38:20.540 --> 00:38:23.800
are the ones where a married couple say they never fight.

654
00:38:23.800 --> 00:38:29.060
If they never fight their entire marriage, they're probably not having a super intimate

655
00:38:29.060 --> 00:38:35.100
and healthy relationship because an intimate, healthy relationship will require some healthy

656
00:38:35.100 --> 00:38:40.620
confrontation and that's where you are massaging each other's boundaries because not everybody

657
00:38:40.620 --> 00:38:42.980
has the same exact boundaries.

658
00:38:42.980 --> 00:38:47.220
You're going to learn how to listen and you guys, and I mean really listen, listen to

659
00:38:47.220 --> 00:38:49.880
hear and not respond.

660
00:38:49.880 --> 00:38:54.020
Most of us listen to get our response ready.

661
00:38:54.020 --> 00:38:59.860
When you go into a confrontation, you can't look for the other person to define your self-worth.

662
00:38:59.860 --> 00:39:03.820
So if I'm going to have confrontation with somebody that scares the poo out of me, I

663
00:39:03.820 --> 00:39:09.460
have to trust who God says I am and not worry about what the other person, because I don't

664
00:39:09.460 --> 00:39:11.220
know how this is going to go.

665
00:39:11.220 --> 00:39:16.060
All I can do when I show up for healthy confrontation is own my side of the street, right?

666
00:39:16.060 --> 00:39:17.580
I can own my side of the street.

667
00:39:17.580 --> 00:39:21.620
I cannot determine what they're going to own.

668
00:39:21.620 --> 00:39:26.900
I can only determine what I say, what I own and how I respond to them.

669
00:39:26.900 --> 00:39:33.380
I always say to folks, have the courage to get curious and not know.

670
00:39:33.380 --> 00:39:34.660
And then I love this phrase.

671
00:39:34.660 --> 00:39:39.060
I heard Dr. Phil say a million years ago, do you want to be right or do you want to

672
00:39:39.060 --> 00:39:40.140
be in relationships?

673
00:39:40.140 --> 00:39:45.340
So sometimes know what your outcome goal is when you do healthy confrontation.

674
00:39:45.340 --> 00:39:51.380
And hopefully it's to get the relationship together and not simply to be right.

675
00:39:51.380 --> 00:39:52.380
I love it.

676
00:39:52.380 --> 00:39:53.380
Meredith is going to cook us dinner.

677
00:39:53.380 --> 00:39:55.980
I can see this happening right now.

678
00:39:55.980 --> 00:39:56.980
It's all good girlfriend.

679
00:39:56.980 --> 00:39:57.980
I'm just teasing you.

680
00:39:57.980 --> 00:39:58.980
She's like, great.

681
00:39:58.980 --> 00:39:59.980
You just focus all of it.

682
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.920
that on me. I did not. And even in the replay, they're not going to see that promise. Okay.

683
00:40:04.920 --> 00:40:12.880
Before we get into boundaries in dating, I want to talk about boundaries with you. Um,

684
00:40:12.880 --> 00:40:17.480
it starts with you. You guys, if you don't, or if you are not taking care of yourself,

685
00:40:17.480 --> 00:40:23.080
I promise you, your spouse is not going to do it for you. Um, you are not here to fix

686
00:40:23.080 --> 00:40:29.600
him and he's not here to fix you. So here's how you know where you have unhealthy boundaries.

687
00:40:29.600 --> 00:40:36.200
Some of you have unhealthy boundaries with food. You either have a habit of binging,

688
00:40:36.200 --> 00:40:41.800
overeating, over dieting, under eating, under calculating. And I should have put the opposite

689
00:40:41.800 --> 00:40:46.800
side of food. So you have this unhealthy relationship with food. You guys, I've been there my whole

690
00:40:46.800 --> 00:40:52.160
life. It's like I was technically in high school. I never weighed enough to give blood

691
00:40:52.160 --> 00:40:58.020
like that's under 110 pounds. But yet like my dad made me feel like I was five pounds

692
00:40:58.020 --> 00:41:03.620
from being away from being obese. So like I had this, I have this weird obsession with

693
00:41:03.620 --> 00:41:10.060
food and it can kind of overtake me. And, um, and so I've really had to gain control

694
00:41:10.060 --> 00:41:15.900
of that. Um, you may have an out of control soul and no boundaries with money. You may

695
00:41:15.900 --> 00:41:22.460
find that you impulse spend, you have no budget or you too rigid with the budget, no savings.

696
00:41:22.460 --> 00:41:29.580
You're living behind, but yon your means repeatedly helping bail others out. You guys,

697
00:41:29.580 --> 00:41:33.300
here's the silly, do you want to know what some of my credit card debt was? I've, I've

698
00:41:33.300 --> 00:41:39.220
since paid it all off, but I work for nonprofit. I'm a giver. I'm not going to lie. 90% of

699
00:41:39.220 --> 00:41:44.980
my credit card debt was going to Kroger, buying food to make meals for people in my church

700
00:41:44.980 --> 00:41:48.900
and my clients. It's like, Oh, I've got to make like, there's always a new meal train.

701
00:41:49.020 --> 00:41:53.580
Always a new meal train. And sometimes I just didn't have the money, but I would like feel

702
00:41:53.580 --> 00:41:58.620
obligated to like serve them. So even in this great gift of wanting to serve, God never

703
00:41:58.620 --> 00:42:03.180
asked me to take out credit card debt to buy a dinner for somebody else. That is unhealthy

704
00:42:03.180 --> 00:42:10.540
boundaries with my money. Even if I can justify it. Um, time, some of you and some of us have

705
00:42:10.540 --> 00:42:16.860
a unhealthy boundary with time. We're either overbooking our schedule. We show up late

706
00:42:16.860 --> 00:42:22.780
consistency and we miss deadlines. Sometimes we double book. Sometimes we assume there's

707
00:42:22.780 --> 00:42:28.580
going to be no traffic. Sometimes we don't assume anything is going to go awry. And you

708
00:42:28.580 --> 00:42:33.900
know, we all have that friend that constantly shows up like, Oh my gosh, I just did it.

709
00:42:33.900 --> 00:42:38.540
Um, I have found that when people consistently show up late to me, they're just implying

710
00:42:38.540 --> 00:42:42.860
that their time is more valuable than me. And so they have an unhealthy boundary with

711
00:42:42.860 --> 00:42:49.340
time task and completion. If you can't get your tasks done, don't say yes. And so if

712
00:42:49.340 --> 00:42:54.780
you are the yes monster and you have no ability to say no, you're just like, I just can't

713
00:42:54.780 --> 00:43:00.300
say no to anybody. And you're constantly picking up tasks. If you can't complete them all with

714
00:43:00.300 --> 00:43:06.980
a healthy body left intact, then you don't have a good boundary on when to say no. And

715
00:43:06.980 --> 00:43:12.740
you need to learn how to say no. You can have a out of control, lack of boundary with your

716
00:43:13.620 --> 00:43:18.540
words. You can hide intimacy from talking too much. You can become domineering. You

717
00:43:18.540 --> 00:43:25.580
can gossip. You can use sarcasm, over flattery, massaging the truth, seducing and manipulating

718
00:43:25.580 --> 00:43:30.900
the truth. Um, I grew up with the phrase white lie. Oh, that was just a white lie, right?

719
00:43:30.900 --> 00:43:35.900
It's just a white lie. Um, now I'm not saying you need to be blunt and say the exact truth

720
00:43:35.900 --> 00:43:41.300
all of the time, but I would dare say that the Lord doesn't want us to use white lies.

721
00:43:41.300 --> 00:43:45.940
Let's find some truth that we can give somebody not to hurt their feelings. And then of course

722
00:43:45.940 --> 00:43:52.820
sexuality I'm not limited to pornography, um, affairs and masturbation. I, I've been

723
00:43:52.820 --> 00:43:59.300
very proud of the number of heartwork groups who have been talking about all of this stuff

724
00:43:59.300 --> 00:44:04.700
and how it shows up for them. And so if this is you and you've been brave about it, um,

725
00:44:04.700 --> 00:44:09.900
I just say, amen. You know, like kind of, um, the biggest way to get away from shame

726
00:44:09.900 --> 00:44:13.460
is put it in the light. And once you put it in the light, that's where empathy can

727
00:44:13.460 --> 00:44:18.100
show up. And then of course drugs and alcohol. So these are all of the ways that you can

728
00:44:18.100 --> 00:44:24.420
have lack of boundaries with yourself. Make sure you like pray about this list and see

729
00:44:24.420 --> 00:44:30.180
and jot down, like, do I have an out of control, lack of boundary spirit? I promise you getting

730
00:44:30.180 --> 00:44:35.020
married is not going to make these things go away. If anything, it's only going to expose

731
00:44:35.020 --> 00:44:43.300
them as opposed to fix them. Okay. So boundaries in dating, I believe Jackie discussed in dating

732
00:44:43.300 --> 00:44:48.540
101 and hopefully in your guides, you saw the levels of dating. So we're going to kind

733
00:44:48.540 --> 00:44:53.380
of talk about that in the next 15 minutes, we're going to wrap up talking about what

734
00:44:53.380 --> 00:44:59.060
boundaries look like in dating and early marriage, because this is why we're all here, right?

735
00:44:59.060 --> 00:44:59.980
I just wanted you to

736
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:05.860
have that background because what you what your childhood looks like, how you model boundaries

737
00:45:05.860 --> 00:45:10.860
in your everyday life bleeds over into your boundaries in dating, because here's the thing,

738
00:45:10.860 --> 00:45:16.180
this is where your emotions are kind of going, he's so hot, he's amazing butterfly. And so

739
00:45:16.180 --> 00:45:21.200
your boundaries can go out the window. And so this is a time we need to lean in a little

740
00:45:21.200 --> 00:45:28.060
bit further. So level two dating is where you start with guys, it is discovery dating,

741
00:45:28.060 --> 00:45:33.660
it is just getting to know people. And at this stage, you possibly are talking to other

742
00:45:33.660 --> 00:45:39.580
people at the same exact time, he is talking to other people at the same time. So I want

743
00:45:39.580 --> 00:45:46.260
you to consider what your boundaries are in each of these topics, we suggest now and I

744
00:45:46.260 --> 00:45:50.460
said this in the talk that I gave to the main group a few weeks ago, and I kind of did this

745
00:45:50.460 --> 00:45:57.500
reminder, and you may hear Jackie's guidelines on physical boundaries that are either stricter

746
00:45:57.500 --> 00:46:02.280
than what you're used to, or not as strict as what you're used to, you lay it before

747
00:46:02.280 --> 00:46:06.320
the Lord, we're just going to tell you what the boundaries, the guidelines are for this

748
00:46:06.320 --> 00:46:11.060
community. And you take it before the Lord and you decide what's best between you and

749
00:46:11.060 --> 00:46:16.660
him. Especially if you've had sexual trauma in your past, you might have stricter boundaries

750
00:46:16.660 --> 00:46:23.980
and that's okay. So we suggest the physical behavior that should not be happening in discovery

751
00:46:23.980 --> 00:46:32.420
dating is making out, like making out, romantic, and of course, anything beyond making out,

752
00:46:32.420 --> 00:46:37.580
like any kind of physical touching of the body and or sexual activity. Here's the blunt

753
00:46:37.580 --> 00:46:41.940
thing I said in front of a co-ed group two weeks ago, and I said, let's not be all Bill

754
00:46:41.940 --> 00:46:47.820
Clinton. If your hands or your mouth or your genitals are touching other genitals, that's

755
00:46:47.820 --> 00:46:52.220
sex. Just so we're clear, it's a form of sex. For those of you that are too young to remember

756
00:46:52.340 --> 00:46:56.700
what happened with Bill Clinton, you can go look it up and you'll find out what I'm talking

757
00:46:56.700 --> 00:47:01.540
about that. And so we're not even talking about that. We're just talking about making

758
00:47:01.540 --> 00:47:08.140
out because I was definitely schooled on this. I said there are three times that women release

759
00:47:08.140 --> 00:47:13.780
oxytocin in our body. One is during breastfeeding, one is during childbirth, and the other is

760
00:47:13.780 --> 00:47:19.260
during sex. What I have since learned, if your make-out sessions are very hot and heavy,

761
00:47:19.260 --> 00:47:25.900
we women can produce oxytocin. It is the hormone released in women only that cause

762
00:47:25.900 --> 00:47:32.160
us to connect. If you can imagine childbirth and breastfeeding, of course you want to connect

763
00:47:32.160 --> 00:47:36.980
and bond with your baby. And of course, in that heavy making out and sex, we are made

764
00:47:36.980 --> 00:47:44.060
to connect. Oxytocin does not show up in the men. So they are not getting the same connect

765
00:47:44.060 --> 00:47:52.860
bond that we are getting. It is why historically and hormonally men are more able to have sex

766
00:47:52.860 --> 00:47:57.340
with different women and not get emotionally attached. It's unfortunate. It's just the

767
00:47:57.340 --> 00:48:02.660
way it is, you guys. Take it up with God when you get to heaven. We got the oxytocin. So

768
00:48:02.660 --> 00:48:07.740
we need to guard our oxytocin and we need to protect it if we want to protect and guard

769
00:48:07.740 --> 00:48:15.660
our hearts. And so Jackie would say that if your physical behavior in level two dating

770
00:48:15.660 --> 00:48:19.740
gets the point where you guys are starting to make out, and I'm not talking about a kiss

771
00:48:19.740 --> 00:48:24.860
goodnight on the cheek or a gentle kiss, just to see what it feels like. You all know what

772
00:48:24.860 --> 00:48:28.820
I'm talking about. That's a time for you to start to have that conversation like, hey,

773
00:48:28.820 --> 00:48:33.980
we're kind of being romantic here. It's now time for us to talk about, are we dating other

774
00:48:33.980 --> 00:48:39.420
people? And so she would argue if you're starting to get physical with each other,

775
00:48:39.420 --> 00:48:45.260
handholding down the street, massage, touch, it's getting a lot more romantic. That's the

776
00:48:45.260 --> 00:48:48.980
time for you to be thinking about going to exclusive dating. Cause I don't know about

777
00:48:48.980 --> 00:48:53.660
y'all, but I don't want some guy kissing me and some other chick. Like that's a heck to

778
00:48:53.660 --> 00:48:59.460
the no, right? Courtney, Michael. I'm just like, right. No, um, I I'm, it's bad enough.

779
00:48:59.620 --> 00:49:04.340
And if you're my age, it's bad enough that Jackie talks about level two dating. Like

780
00:49:04.340 --> 00:49:09.500
it, like I don't mind level two dating for all at like the first call or the first date,

781
00:49:09.500 --> 00:49:14.300
but like five, six dates in really you're still talking to other girls. I'm your girl.

782
00:49:14.300 --> 00:49:18.780
What are we doing here? What did it, this is crazy. So I've learned to sit in the pocket.

783
00:49:18.780 --> 00:49:23.700
So for me, no physical behavior in level two, or else I'm just gonna like, I'm just a hot

784
00:49:23.700 --> 00:49:29.500
mess express. The other place that women especially need to be careful in level two

785
00:49:29.500 --> 00:49:36.020
dating is our spiritual content. So many of you are Jesus love, loving Bible quote in,

786
00:49:36.020 --> 00:49:41.460
you know, spiritual gift, uh, speaking in tongue gals, like you got it all going on

787
00:49:41.460 --> 00:49:46.100
and there is nothing more sexy and intimate than when a dude wants to pray over you and

788
00:49:46.100 --> 00:49:52.700
with you, I get it. It's like, baby, can you pray? And it's like the biggest turn on. And

789
00:49:52.700 --> 00:49:58.780
so that's what Saul starts. But unfortunately it starts to create this level of intimacy.

790
00:49:58.780 --> 00:49:59.980
And so you just really want to

791
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:01.000
Be careful about that.

792
00:50:01.000 --> 00:50:05.120
Now, I'm in full-time ministry and I've been in ministry, I've got tattoos, I've got Jesus

793
00:50:05.120 --> 00:50:06.180
all over them.

794
00:50:06.180 --> 00:50:11.180
So like, it's impossible for me to not talk about my faith pretty quickly on, but there's

795
00:50:11.180 --> 00:50:16.200
talking about my faith up here and, but think about it like peeling an onion.

796
00:50:16.200 --> 00:50:21.000
And that's the way that we talk about boundaries in dating.

797
00:50:21.000 --> 00:50:23.720
So it's not that you're not going to talk about your past.

798
00:50:23.720 --> 00:50:29.000
It's not that you're not going to talk about your family and your faith, but you're just

799
00:50:29.000 --> 00:50:32.200
going to give them the first layer of the onion.

800
00:50:32.200 --> 00:50:37.840
You're not going to tell it about every deep spiritual moment that you've had in your spiritual

801
00:50:37.840 --> 00:50:38.840
content.

802
00:50:38.840 --> 00:50:43.720
Same thing with your emotional energy and taking on each other's stuff and sharing your

803
00:50:43.720 --> 00:50:45.320
story and sharing your time.

804
00:50:45.320 --> 00:50:48.000
You guys, I knew I was teaching this class.

805
00:50:48.000 --> 00:50:53.120
Two weeks ago, I taught the whole main group, Jackie had me teach on sex and intimacy because

806
00:50:53.120 --> 00:50:55.400
people are going to muck with it.

807
00:50:55.400 --> 00:50:58.440
And so somehow in the last two weeks, I'm going to be very vulnerable.

808
00:50:58.440 --> 00:51:04.280
I met a really hot guy in 1822 and I busted all my stinking boundaries and we had like

809
00:51:04.280 --> 00:51:07.040
four, three hour conversations.

810
00:51:07.040 --> 00:51:09.040
We talked about spiritual stuff.

811
00:51:09.040 --> 00:51:11.240
I learned all about his life.

812
00:51:11.240 --> 00:51:12.480
He learned all about my life.

813
00:51:12.480 --> 00:51:13.480
Now here's the thing.

814
00:51:13.480 --> 00:51:17.480
There's a lot of my, there's no part of my story that I actually regret telling him because

815
00:51:17.480 --> 00:51:23.160
there's so much that I didn't tell him, but it just showed me how fast and level two dating

816
00:51:23.200 --> 00:51:25.720
boundaries can go a muck.

817
00:51:25.720 --> 00:51:30.880
And boundaries go a muck when you're spending too much time with each other in the beginning.

818
00:51:30.880 --> 00:51:35.440
Jackie would be the first to say every first phone call, video date, live date should be

819
00:51:35.440 --> 00:51:36.440
an hour long.

820
00:51:36.440 --> 00:51:39.800
Unless you guys are traveling 10 hours to get to each other.

821
00:51:39.800 --> 00:51:45.080
Keep those dates short in the beginning because you just start talking and you start talking

822
00:51:45.080 --> 00:51:51.480
and it's like 11 PM and it's like, and it just gets so dreamy and wonderful and you

823
00:51:51.480 --> 00:51:55.640
just start oversharing very, very, very fast.

824
00:51:55.640 --> 00:52:01.760
And so I just say that, so be aware of how much emotional energy you're dumping on them

825
00:52:01.760 --> 00:52:03.600
and then you receiving.

826
00:52:03.600 --> 00:52:11.120
So if you have a social services therapist, teacher, some kind of empathetic field in

827
00:52:11.120 --> 00:52:17.840
your job, you will naturally gravitate towards creating a safe place for them to show up.

828
00:52:17.840 --> 00:52:22.120
So the thing that I had to pay attention to in the last week with this guy is, are

829
00:52:22.120 --> 00:52:26.840
we talking for three hours because he's actually into me or are we talking for three hours

830
00:52:26.840 --> 00:52:30.040
because I'm a good listener and I'm a good therapist.

831
00:52:30.040 --> 00:52:31.040
Do you know what I'm saying?

832
00:52:31.040 --> 00:52:35.600
Like, shoot, I so tried not to become the therapist.

833
00:52:35.600 --> 00:52:39.240
I think I might've turned into the therapist and I only say this cause you guys, cause

834
00:52:39.240 --> 00:52:42.000
he's not kind of ghosted me for the last five days.

835
00:52:42.000 --> 00:52:45.440
And so I have to sit in this tension of like, what does that mean?

836
00:52:45.440 --> 00:52:46.440
And it might mean nothing.

837
00:52:46.440 --> 00:52:49.120
And here's the thing, you guys, it might have nothing to do with me.

838
00:52:49.120 --> 00:52:54.800
Like I know he's in the early stage of his health and recovery and again, healthy boundaries.

839
00:52:54.800 --> 00:52:56.840
I can't do his recovery for him.

840
00:52:56.840 --> 00:53:01.040
So old me, I've been trying to figure out what I said, what I did.

841
00:53:01.040 --> 00:53:02.200
I know I didn't do anything.

842
00:53:02.200 --> 00:53:06.720
I'm actually like, I took a step back and I kind of looked at my level too and I'm like,

843
00:53:06.720 --> 00:53:07.880
okay, spiritual content.

844
00:53:07.880 --> 00:53:11.280
I'm okay with we, obviously we only video dated, so no physical.

845
00:53:11.280 --> 00:53:14.400
I probably took on too much of his energy and his stuff.

846
00:53:14.400 --> 00:53:19.000
And I probably shared a little bit too much of my story and I probably gave him way too

847
00:53:19.000 --> 00:53:22.160
much of my time in such a short amount of time.

848
00:53:22.160 --> 00:53:24.140
I didn't pay attention to that.

849
00:53:24.140 --> 00:53:31.000
So if you guys start texting and talking every day, you will notice if he goes cold turkey

850
00:53:31.000 --> 00:53:32.440
for five days, right?

851
00:53:32.440 --> 00:53:36.160
But if you were only talking every two to three days in the beginning and having those

852
00:53:36.160 --> 00:53:39.600
long conversations once a week, you wouldn't notice it.

853
00:53:39.760 --> 00:53:44.800
When it starts getting really intense and they have a moment, they're like, I need a

854
00:53:44.800 --> 00:53:45.800
break.

855
00:53:45.800 --> 00:53:47.120
You're going to feel that.

856
00:53:47.120 --> 00:53:51.920
So you have to be paying attention to what kind of boundaries can you have that you can

857
00:53:51.920 --> 00:53:55.920
kind of handle this ebb and flow that's going to come with level two dating.

858
00:53:55.920 --> 00:54:00.080
Of course, now at level three, you guys have decided to be exclusive.

859
00:54:00.080 --> 00:54:05.280
And I would argue there are three phases of it, three phases of exclusive dating.

860
00:54:05.280 --> 00:54:08.800
And Jackie had me go over this in the main community because you guys, people are trying

861
00:54:08.800 --> 00:54:16.060
to fly from level two to level three to Simbis, the pre-marriage class in like 30 hot days.

862
00:54:16.060 --> 00:54:21.240
Just because this program is called last year, single does not mean that you are on the race

863
00:54:21.240 --> 00:54:22.240
to the altar.

864
00:54:22.240 --> 00:54:25.120
Y'all like be thoughtful about your approach.

865
00:54:25.120 --> 00:54:30.240
The idea behind last year single is this is your last year to get yourself healthy, get

866
00:54:30.240 --> 00:54:36.160
everything in order, get those dreams going, get that stuff out of the way, live your best

867
00:54:36.160 --> 00:54:40.800
life so that you start to date in your last year single with the best guy.

868
00:54:40.800 --> 00:54:44.200
It doesn't mean you need to run to the altar in 90 days from meeting him.

869
00:54:44.200 --> 00:54:48.840
Do not get FOMO with your fellow bride group or whatever you guys call yourselves these

870
00:54:48.840 --> 00:54:50.160
days.

871
00:54:50.160 --> 00:54:52.360
Make sure that you go at a pace that's healthy.

872
00:54:52.360 --> 00:54:56.400
So I like to think that there's three levels of exclusive dating.

873
00:54:56.400 --> 00:54:58.380
First, there's just the beginning.

874
00:54:58.380 --> 00:54:59.960
You don't want him kissing other girls.

875
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:04.360
doesn't want you kissing other guys. You're just starting today and now you're not worrying

876
00:55:04.360 --> 00:55:07.480
about does he like me? Does he not? Does he like me? Does he not? Now you're just like

877
00:55:07.480 --> 00:55:13.000
getting to live life with him. Enjoy that first season. You guys just enjoy it. Have

878
00:55:13.000 --> 00:55:18.000
fun. You're healthy now. You're like God defended. Now enjoy it healthy for the first time.

879
00:55:18.000 --> 00:55:22.260
Then of course you kind of get to this middle stage where you're spending more and more

880
00:55:22.260 --> 00:55:27.320
time in each other's world. You might be getting to know their children, their friends, their

881
00:55:27.320 --> 00:55:32.680
pastor. You're getting to, you're vetting them and watching how they behave and how

882
00:55:32.680 --> 00:55:38.160
you behave in the real world. And then of course the third phase of exclusive dating

883
00:55:38.160 --> 00:55:42.240
is when you're like marriage minded and you're like planning it like, yeah, I think we're

884
00:55:42.240 --> 00:55:46.360
going to get married. Like we're going to do our pre-marriage class. One of us may need

885
00:55:46.360 --> 00:55:52.120
to move closer if we're like very far apart and you're kind of moving it along. Jackie

886
00:55:52.120 --> 00:55:58.240
would also recommend that sex, and I already defined sex for you, is not happening at level

887
00:55:58.240 --> 00:56:04.800
three dating. Now only you know what you can do before it turns into sex, right? If some

888
00:56:04.800 --> 00:56:09.800
of you who might've had porn, masturbation or sexual addiction in your past, you might

889
00:56:09.800 --> 00:56:15.680
be like Renee, I can't like tongue with any guy or there's no room in my home that's safe.

890
00:56:15.680 --> 00:56:19.200
Or you know Renee, I can make out till the cows come home and I'm not going to let him

891
00:56:19.200 --> 00:56:24.640
get in my pants. And so you need to both have that honest conversation about what kind

892
00:56:24.640 --> 00:56:29.040
of physical intimacy you can have and what it's starting to look like. So somewhere in

893
00:56:29.040 --> 00:56:35.680
level three, you're starting to have open conversation about what your, what your boundary

894
00:56:35.680 --> 00:56:42.640
is physically up until marriage. Um, the other conversation that somebody asked me, people

895
00:56:42.640 --> 00:56:48.320
were able to submit a lot of different questions on this. And I will say this, the details

896
00:56:48.320 --> 00:56:52.840
of what that sex life is going to look like does not need to be discussed at this time.

897
00:56:52.840 --> 00:56:57.640
So if someone starts asking you what positions you like, what positions you don't like, I

898
00:56:57.640 --> 00:57:02.200
would say that is too soon. Maybe the best time for that conversation would be in a pre

899
00:57:02.200 --> 00:57:08.120
marriage class because some of your views on sex on that much in detail may have to

900
00:57:08.120 --> 00:57:14.320
do with trauma. And you guys haven't even discussed that stuff yet. In level two dating,

901
00:57:14.320 --> 00:57:19.840
you might decide what your boundary is talking about addiction, talking about an abortion,

902
00:57:19.840 --> 00:57:23.960
talking about how many boyfriends, by the way, an ex does not need to know how many

903
00:57:23.960 --> 00:57:27.960
people you've had sex with. Like Jackie has said it, I have said it, there is no good

904
00:57:27.960 --> 00:57:34.880
in that game. Um, and so you don't owe anybody the details, the deep, deep details of your

905
00:57:34.880 --> 00:57:40.360
sexual past. You owe nobody that story. That might be something you reveal over time in

906
00:57:40.360 --> 00:57:46.280
your marriage, but at level three, you don't owe them your entire sexual history. So that's

907
00:57:46.280 --> 00:57:50.440
kind of how we feel about that. So I want you to be just like taking notes on that.

908
00:57:50.440 --> 00:57:55.720
What are my physical boundaries, my spiritual boundaries, emotional, how much stuff of theirs

909
00:57:55.720 --> 00:58:00.440
I'm going to take on, how much of my story and how much of my time or am I going to give

910
00:58:00.440 --> 00:58:05.080
up for this person? Super important that you do this. I'm only going to do two more slides

911
00:58:05.080 --> 00:58:10.120
if I have anything after this, I'm going to skip them. Um, because I feel like I want

912
00:58:10.120 --> 00:58:14.880
to hear from you guys and get you guys asking questions and then talking to each other.

913
00:58:14.880 --> 00:58:20.000
So if you have a pen and paper, here's your cheat sheet. So this is your cheat sheet,

914
00:58:20.000 --> 00:58:26.360
how to communicate with your dating guy and your married guy got this from a therapist.

915
00:58:26.360 --> 00:58:31.200
Literally she hangs this on the fridge with her husband and they literally point to it

916
00:58:31.360 --> 00:58:36.720
so they know what the conversation is going. So take a picture of this. If you want, you

917
00:58:36.720 --> 00:58:40.520
want to make sure the two of you are talking the same language, because here's the thing

918
00:58:40.520 --> 00:58:46.920
guys always assume when we bring something to him, his job is to fix it. Every time what

919
00:58:46.920 --> 00:58:51.240
I'm going to show you is there's only one time he needs to fix it. When you start the

920
00:58:51.240 --> 00:58:58.000
sentence with, I feel he knows, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. She doesn't want me to do

921
00:58:58.000 --> 00:59:05.480
a dang thing. That's it. I just have to listen to her. I'm just blowing off steam. I'm so

922
00:59:05.480 --> 00:59:10.720
you have to take zero action at best. Pray with them when they're done. Wouldn't it be

923
00:59:10.720 --> 00:59:15.360
great if our boyfriends know this and our husbands know, baby, when I start with, I

924
00:59:15.360 --> 00:59:22.800
feel this, you are only supposed to listen. Can you do that for me? Yes. Yes. Awesome.

925
00:59:22.800 --> 00:59:30.040
Boom. Done. Okay. When I start a sentence with, I think it means I'm trying to process

926
00:59:30.040 --> 00:59:38.400
out loud when I'm done contribute ideas. So think means ideas. When you say, when you

927
00:59:38.400 --> 00:59:44.960
start with, I know, I know usually means that you are passionate about something when you're

928
00:59:44.960 --> 00:59:52.000
done. If someone's passionate about something, they probably need counsel and discernment.

929
00:59:52.000 --> 00:59:58.280
And then if they need something, baby, that's when you can fix it. When I tell you I need,

930
00:59:58.280 --> 00:59:59.880
that is your invitation to

931
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:07.040
fix. So this can save you a lot of dating relationships right here. I feel, do nothing.

932
01:00:07.040 --> 01:00:15.120
I think, give ideas. I know, counsel. I need, fix. There you go. That's my cheat sheet for

933
01:00:15.120 --> 01:00:23.200
healthy communication. Also remember, dating and marriage, sometimes you have to compromise

934
01:00:23.200 --> 01:00:28.240
on your wants and desires. It is not always going to be, I want the right thing, you want

935
01:00:28.240 --> 01:00:33.280
the wrong thing. A lot of time, dating and marriage is about you both wanting something

936
01:00:33.280 --> 01:00:42.480
equally. Both are valuable. Sometimes somebody's want has to win. And then the next time your want

937
01:00:42.480 --> 01:00:50.160
gets to win. Otherwise, sometimes you have to compromise and get some of your want met.

938
01:00:50.160 --> 01:00:56.000
So some of your want is met. So as gorgeous and as amazing and as healed as you both are now,

939
01:00:56.000 --> 01:01:01.360
you're having this God kingdom dating relationship in marriage. Just realize that sometimes your

940
01:01:01.360 --> 01:01:07.280
wants and desires are going to conflict. That is healthy. That is normal. And sometimes it's

941
01:01:07.280 --> 01:01:13.840
all about compromise. And then the last thing I want to say about dating and marriage is remember

942
01:01:13.840 --> 01:01:20.400
that you and I have a limit. Remember we talked about capacity management. There's a great clip

943
01:01:20.400 --> 01:01:26.240
of Brene Brown going around on Instagram and Reels and TikTok. And she said, you know how

944
01:01:26.240 --> 01:01:32.480
they always say marriage is 50-50 or 100-100. She's like, that's just crap. Because sometimes life

945
01:01:32.480 --> 01:01:37.040
happens to you and you don't have 50-50 or you don't have 100. So she goes, my husband and I

946
01:01:37.040 --> 01:01:42.320
come home and we say, how was your day? How was your day? What do you got? And so if you're honest

947
01:01:42.320 --> 01:01:46.480
with each other, you're like, man, baby, my day sucked. And this happened and this happened.

948
01:01:46.480 --> 01:01:51.120
I'm lucky if I'm coming home with 20%. And if I've had a good day, I say, great, no problem,

949
01:01:51.120 --> 01:01:56.320
baby. I got 80%. And so we're going to do it. But if she says, gosh, I had a bad day too,

950
01:01:56.320 --> 01:02:02.240
I'm coming in at 40%. Now they both have to realize one's at 40 and one's at 20,

951
01:02:02.240 --> 01:02:06.080
their needs are not going to get met that night. And they're going to have to show space and grace

952
01:02:06.080 --> 01:02:12.640
with one another. So I really love that. If you don't learn to do that, you will give past your

953
01:02:12.640 --> 01:02:18.880
capacity. You will do it exhausted. You will do it depleted. You will bust those boundaries and

954
01:02:18.880 --> 01:02:25.440
you will start to get resentful. And so adults make statements, children explain. That's one of

955
01:02:25.440 --> 01:02:32.400
the favorite lines I learned in therapy. Adults that are in a healthy dating and marriage relationship,

956
01:02:32.400 --> 01:02:39.520
boundaries means you make statements. Children explain. So just think and pray about that.

957
01:02:39.520 --> 01:02:45.200
I know I grew up in a very broken trauma home. And so I feel like I have to over-explain

958
01:02:45.200 --> 01:02:51.840
my answer. No is a complete answer. Did you know that? Yes is a complete answer. Hey, Renee,

959
01:02:51.840 --> 01:02:56.160
we're going out to the movies. Do you want to join us? Thank you so much for asking no.

960
01:02:56.160 --> 01:02:59.280
How many of you feel like you have to explain to your friends why your answer's no?

961
01:03:00.000 --> 01:03:04.720
Right? So we do it with just, we do with our girlfriends. We do with everybody. Sometimes

962
01:03:04.720 --> 01:03:11.680
no is a complete answer. Yeah. I'm not going to do that one. Okay. We have breakout questions.

963
01:03:11.680 --> 01:03:18.480
So I'm going to stop sharing. So I want to see your faces now. I have 39 people and I know a

964
01:03:18.480 --> 01:03:23.440
lot of folks are going to watch this. So before I send you off into breakout rooms for about 10,

965
01:03:23.440 --> 01:03:29.520
12 minutes, I want to make sure I open the floor to general questions from everything.

966
01:03:29.520 --> 01:03:36.400
I just omitted on you. Any outlying questions? Because otherwise you might have questions when

967
01:03:36.400 --> 01:03:44.000
you go off to the group and come back. I have a question about the dating levels.

968
01:03:44.000 --> 01:03:52.960
Yes. Would it be possible to like have a PDF of that? They're in your guides. Yeah. So they were

969
01:03:52.960 --> 01:03:58.400
put up in your guides. I looked at it in the guides and there's no way for me to download it.

970
01:03:59.520 --> 01:04:07.280
Was it not a, I thought they were PDFs. I'll, I will check with Amber. I'll look back at it.

971
01:04:07.280 --> 01:04:12.960
I'll check with Amber to make sure they were PDFs. Okay. Yeah. Thanks for letting us know Em. I

972
01:04:12.960 --> 01:04:21.200
appreciate that. I actually have a question. Good evening. Actually, I just came in like halfway

973
01:04:21.200 --> 01:04:28.080
through. So my apologies. I came out of a Bible study. My question is you reference, you and Jackie

974
01:04:28.080 --> 01:04:35.040
have referenced the 1822 group. I think I'd be more interested in finding out about that.

975
01:04:35.040 --> 01:04:42.480
Is that something that we're all eventually going to be connecting with? Yeah. So Bethany and Jackie

976
01:04:42.480 --> 01:04:47.040
will have that conversation as she releases you from this group. And so here's what I can tell

977
01:04:47.040 --> 01:04:51.600
you in the same way there's our group, you guys, and just to kind of give you an idea on volume,

978
01:04:51.600 --> 01:04:57.360
there's like 400 women in the main group and there's about another 400 of you that are at some

979
01:04:57.360 --> 01:05:00.000
level of finishing up the program.

980
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:04.600
There are over a hundred guys in the 1822 group.

981
01:05:04.600 --> 01:05:07.780
So once, so there's obviously more of us than them.

982
01:05:07.780 --> 01:05:10.680
So every time I date a guy that is a nice guy,

983
01:05:10.680 --> 01:05:14.880
but not my guy, I invite him to go join 1822.

984
01:05:14.880 --> 01:05:15.960
Starting next month,

985
01:05:15.960 --> 01:05:18.880
you guys have all been given the community calendar

986
01:05:18.880 --> 01:05:20.080
for next month.

987
01:05:20.080 --> 01:05:22.340
Every co-ed event,

988
01:05:22.340 --> 01:05:26.520
the men that show up to that are the 1822 guys.

989
01:05:26.520 --> 01:05:30.200
So it's not like you get access to their database.

990
01:05:30.200 --> 01:05:32.400
Ooh, who are the hundred plus guys?

991
01:05:32.400 --> 01:05:34.840
In the same way they don't have access to us.

992
01:05:34.840 --> 01:05:36.440
So they can't,

993
01:05:36.440 --> 01:05:39.000
the guys can't get into our Facebook page

994
01:05:39.000 --> 01:05:41.680
any differently than we can get into theirs.

995
01:05:41.680 --> 01:05:43.880
The only way you can get to know them

996
01:05:43.880 --> 01:05:45.900
is if they show up for events

997
01:05:45.900 --> 01:05:48.940
that are on our co-ed events and you show up.

998
01:05:49.800 --> 01:05:51.660
Or if they're on Single Nation

999
01:05:51.660 --> 01:05:54.280
and you start showing up on Single Nation.

1000
01:05:54.320 --> 01:05:59.320
So I would say, and obviously in single cities,

1001
01:05:59.640 --> 01:06:02.080
you guys are encouraged to join your single city

1002
01:06:02.080 --> 01:06:05.400
and that's where some of the 1822 guys are also showing up.

1003
01:06:05.400 --> 01:06:07.320
So hopefully I've answered that.

1004
01:06:07.320 --> 01:06:09.560
Okay, so I'm gonna reshow these questions

1005
01:06:09.560 --> 01:06:12.400
because I want you to either take a picture of them

1006
01:06:12.400 --> 01:06:13.640
or write them down because,

1007
01:06:13.640 --> 01:06:16.800
and I will put them in the, I will broadcast them.

1008
01:06:16.800 --> 01:06:19.460
So you have four questions that you guys are gonna get.

1009
01:06:19.460 --> 01:06:20.920
So I kind of wanna know,

1010
01:06:20.920 --> 01:06:22.960
and you're gonna share with your group

1011
01:06:22.960 --> 01:06:26.040
and you guys take less than a minute per question

1012
01:06:26.040 --> 01:06:29.040
and have everybody in your group answer the first question,

1013
01:06:29.040 --> 01:06:31.120
then everybody in your group answer number two,

1014
01:06:31.120 --> 01:06:33.240
everybody in your group answer number three,

1015
01:06:33.240 --> 01:06:35.960
and make sure you guys are being fair on time.

1016
01:06:35.960 --> 01:06:37.760
Did you grow up with too many

1017
01:06:37.760 --> 01:06:40.940
or too little or inconsistent boundaries?

1018
01:06:40.940 --> 01:06:43.240
As an adult, do you tend to have too many,

1019
01:06:43.240 --> 01:06:45.120
too little or inconsistent?

1020
01:06:45.120 --> 01:06:47.520
So this is you kind of recognizing

1021
01:06:47.520 --> 01:06:49.760
what was your childhood like?

1022
01:06:49.760 --> 01:06:51.840
Did you do almost the same thing?

1023
01:06:51.840 --> 01:06:53.320
Did you get better at boundaries

1024
01:06:53.320 --> 01:06:55.700
or did you try to do the exact opposite?

1025
01:06:55.700 --> 01:06:57.480
So this is just really trying to gauge

1026
01:06:57.480 --> 01:07:00.000
what was boundaries like for you as a child?

1027
01:07:00.000 --> 01:07:02.240
What are boundaries like for you now?

1028
01:07:02.240 --> 01:07:04.640
Okay, so it's kind of a before, now.

1029
01:07:05.920 --> 01:07:08.060
Two, control has its place.

1030
01:07:08.060 --> 01:07:10.620
So we talked about healthy control gets stuff done

1031
01:07:10.620 --> 01:07:12.240
and it keeps us safe,

1032
01:07:12.240 --> 01:07:14.800
but it can also be a big boundary buster.

1033
01:07:14.800 --> 01:07:19.280
Did you more relate to the covert?

1034
01:07:19.280 --> 01:07:21.960
So the covert was the codependent,

1035
01:07:21.960 --> 01:07:26.160
or did you more connect with the overt controlling person?

1036
01:07:26.160 --> 01:07:28.240
And you guys, again, remember the covert

1037
01:07:28.240 --> 01:07:31.080
is not more or less healthy than the overt.

1038
01:07:31.080 --> 01:07:33.680
So if you're like, I'm an overt control freak,

1039
01:07:33.680 --> 01:07:35.440
I own it, I'm a boss, babe.

1040
01:07:35.440 --> 01:07:37.780
I just walk in a room and I just take over.

1041
01:07:37.780 --> 01:07:39.280
This is a safe space here.

1042
01:07:39.280 --> 01:07:40.920
So no shame in that game

1043
01:07:40.920 --> 01:07:43.200
if you are more overt than covert.

1044
01:07:43.200 --> 01:07:45.840
This is about owning it and releasing it.

1045
01:07:45.840 --> 01:07:48.840
And then of the other two boundary busters,

1046
01:07:49.400 --> 01:07:52.760
what have you been guilty of or not, or neither, or both?

1047
01:07:52.760 --> 01:07:55.240
Blaming and triangulation or both?

1048
01:07:55.240 --> 01:07:58.200
And then in dating, what boundary do you think

1049
01:07:58.200 --> 01:08:00.960
you struggle with the most to manage?

1050
01:08:00.960 --> 01:08:03.880
Is it gonna be physical, emotional, spiritual,

1051
01:08:03.880 --> 01:08:06.480
or vomiting your past story?

1052
01:08:06.480 --> 01:08:08.400
So take a screenshot of this.

1053
01:08:08.400 --> 01:08:11.200
We're gonna send you off into groups.

1054
01:08:11.200 --> 01:08:14.680
And I'm looking to see,

1055
01:08:15.540 --> 01:08:18.040
is there a timeframe for these levels?

1056
01:08:19.040 --> 01:08:20.640
And this is just a suggestion.

1057
01:08:20.640 --> 01:08:23.240
We suggest that you try to do level two dating

1058
01:08:23.240 --> 01:08:24.840
with somebody for about a month.

1059
01:08:26.240 --> 01:08:30.520
And then level three can last three months or a year.

1060
01:08:30.520 --> 01:08:33.240
It can last as long as you need it to last.

1061
01:08:33.240 --> 01:08:35.800
I would definitely recommend before engagement,

1062
01:08:35.800 --> 01:08:37.600
some form of pre-marriage counseling.

1063
01:08:37.600 --> 01:08:39.439
As my pastor used to say,

1064
01:08:39.439 --> 01:08:42.600
if you get engaged and then do the pre-marriage counseling,

1065
01:08:42.600 --> 01:08:45.000
it's like the horse has left the barn.

1066
01:08:45.000 --> 01:08:48.020
A lot of people have a hard time rewinding a relationship

1067
01:08:49.000 --> 01:08:51.000
once an engagement announcement has gone.

1068
01:08:54.020 --> 01:08:55.979
Okay, sexual boundaries.

1069
01:08:55.979 --> 01:08:58.260
Somebody asked me about sexual boundaries.

1070
01:08:58.260 --> 01:09:01.220
And I talked long and hard about sexual boundaries,

1071
01:09:01.220 --> 01:09:04.380
you guys, and what I said in the COVID environment

1072
01:09:04.380 --> 01:09:06.300
about sexual boundaries is the person

1073
01:09:06.300 --> 01:09:09.859
that wants the lowest amount of sexual activity should win.

1074
01:09:09.859 --> 01:09:12.859
If you are dating a godly man

1075
01:09:12.859 --> 01:09:15.540
who wants you to feel safe and protected,

1076
01:09:15.540 --> 01:09:17.500
if you wanna stop at making out,

1077
01:09:17.500 --> 01:09:19.340
he's gonna stop at making out.

1078
01:09:19.340 --> 01:09:22.260
If you wanna stop at like what, you know,

1079
01:09:22.260 --> 01:09:23.899
like, okay, he can touch my boobs,

1080
01:09:23.899 --> 01:09:27.100
like whatever it is that you want to stop at,

1081
01:09:27.100 --> 01:09:28.859
he needs to respect that.

1082
01:09:28.859 --> 01:09:31.979
And you guys, you have to be super careful if a guy says,

1083
01:09:31.979 --> 01:09:34.260
well, I know you wanna wait till you get married,

1084
01:09:34.260 --> 01:09:38.020
but that's not my game and I'll try to follow along.

1085
01:09:38.020 --> 01:09:39.540
I'd say proceed with caution.

1086
01:09:39.540 --> 01:09:42.300
I know me, my willpower is gonna give out at some point,

1087
01:09:42.300 --> 01:09:44.180
so I might as well just have sex with him.

1088
01:09:44.180 --> 01:09:47.020
Like, it's just not gonna happen.

1089
01:09:47.540 --> 01:09:48.620
If I know he says, hey, you know,

1090
01:09:48.620 --> 01:09:50.180
that really wasn't my thing, but you know what?

1091
01:09:50.180 --> 01:09:51.939
I feel really convicted, Renee.

1092
01:09:51.939 --> 01:09:52.939
Yeah, let's do this.

1093
01:09:52.939 --> 01:09:56.100
Let's try to not have sex before marriage.

1094
01:09:56.100 --> 01:09:58.820
Then that's somebody I might give another chance.

1095
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:04.000
And just know, you guys, there's plenty of professing Christians that are having sex.

1096
01:10:04.000 --> 01:10:06.600
I'm getting hot. They're having sex outside of marriage.

1097
01:10:06.600 --> 01:10:10.440
So there's a lot of Christians that have abortions.

1098
01:10:10.440 --> 01:10:12.640
There's a lot of Christians that lie.

1099
01:10:12.640 --> 01:10:14.400
There's a lot of Christians that steal.

1100
01:10:14.400 --> 01:10:20.240
So just because somebody says they're a professing Christian doesn't mean we're all living in health.

1101
01:10:20.240 --> 01:10:26.640
OK, so let me send you guys off into the breakout room.

1102
01:10:26.640 --> 01:10:40.520
Breakout rooms. I'm going to do 28, three divided by 28.

1103
01:10:40.520 --> 01:10:46.640
Oh, my gosh. That's eight, right? No, that's nine.

1104
01:10:46.640 --> 01:10:49.880
I'm going to do nine rooms. All right. I'm sending you guys off.

1105
01:10:49.880 --> 01:10:55.160
It is 10 after the hour. I'm going to give you guys 12 minutes.

1106
01:10:55.160 --> 01:10:58.840
So you're going to get about a minute for each question.

1107
01:10:58.840 --> 01:11:05.080
And I will make sure I put the questions in. I will broadcast them after I send you off to go.

1108
01:11:05.080 --> 01:11:09.120
So there you go. Go ahead and go to your rooms.

1109
01:13:35.080 --> 01:13:48.600
Awesome. I think we lost a few stragglers on the way back, but I get it.

1110
01:13:48.600 --> 01:13:59.600
And we're in the close up of the thing. So now that you are all back, did something either share if you feel like you had a holy moment either in your group.

1111
01:13:59.600 --> 01:14:03.120
I'm fine if the best thing you learned happened in your group and not with me.

1112
01:14:03.120 --> 01:14:08.000
I just made space for it. Did you have an a-ha tonight or a question?

1113
01:14:08.000 --> 01:14:16.280
So come off if you had a big a-ha reveal. Liz, I like that. Go first, girl.

1114
01:14:16.280 --> 01:14:23.640
Yeah. So you touched on this briefly the last time you did a session, and I was so grateful for it.

1115
01:14:23.640 --> 01:14:26.360
I am a family pastor at my church.

1116
01:14:26.400 --> 01:14:31.680
And so you talked about like just sitting down and all of a sudden you just get way too much.

1117
01:14:31.680 --> 01:14:39.680
I'm like, oh, my gosh, yes. I actually had gone on a date back last fall.

1118
01:14:39.680 --> 01:14:45.440
So it's been almost a year. And I walked away and I was like, I felt like I was his pastor the whole time.

1119
01:14:45.440 --> 01:14:49.240
That did not feel like a date. And it was like the worst experience.

1120
01:14:50.240 --> 01:14:57.640
And when you shared that, it was a light bulb moment for me because you're right.

1121
01:14:57.640 --> 01:14:59.840
Part of my gifting and why.

1122
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:04.560
the Lord has me placed exactly where I am is that I can sit down with somebody and all of a sudden

1123
01:15:05.440 --> 01:15:12.320
I know all the stuff all the stuff and it's so good and it is so God but it is so not appropriate

1124
01:15:12.320 --> 01:15:19.120
for dating and so um even though you haven't necessarily like dived super super deep into that

1125
01:15:19.840 --> 01:15:24.480
that was an aha moment and I'm like and that's kind of been an invitation for me to just really

1126
01:15:24.480 --> 01:15:29.040
sit with the Holy Spirit because I've been like okay so what do I do next? Liz I'm gonna encourage

1127
01:15:29.040 --> 01:15:36.960
you because look in between me telling that to you and tonight I just did it again last week and I

1128
01:15:36.960 --> 01:15:42.960
didn't even try to do it like honestly the biggest reason why he may not be reaching out to me is

1129
01:15:42.960 --> 01:15:47.680
because instead of me wearing I share too much he might be going oh my gosh I just told her

1130
01:15:47.680 --> 01:15:55.040
everything and so you guys it's seductive like having them share your story is seductive especially

1131
01:15:55.040 --> 01:16:04.000
if our jobs just so it creates intimacy it does and intimacy prematurely good it's false intimacy

1132
01:16:04.000 --> 01:16:11.680
but it sure feels good it's like you guys boundaries it's easy in boundaries to weed out

1133
01:16:11.680 --> 01:16:18.720
the bad stuff but we're trying to create space for awesome which means sometimes even feel good

1134
01:16:19.280 --> 01:16:25.840
needs to go good needs to go to make room for awesome and those are much harder boundaries

1135
01:16:25.840 --> 01:16:31.040
to put out there okay especially when you're deprived of intimacy it's been a really long

1136
01:16:31.040 --> 01:16:36.400
time since you've been intimate with somebody god it feels so good in the moment it feels really good

1137
01:16:37.520 --> 01:16:44.320
until it doesn't anybody else question or aha I'm just holding space for it for you guys

1138
01:16:45.200 --> 01:16:51.360
for just a few more moments you guys have fun in your groups I hope so you guys have got a

1139
01:16:51.360 --> 01:16:57.520
great group I mean July you guys are awesome and you're going to be released into the main

1140
01:16:57.520 --> 01:17:04.240
community next month and you're going to have a blast with the rest of us um and whether you

1141
01:17:04.240 --> 01:17:10.320
meet your spirit mate in that co-ed environment um it will just give you so many fun tools to go

1142
01:17:10.320 --> 01:17:17.040
out there and do life and dating differently and the good news is um and guys please please please

1143
01:17:17.040 --> 01:17:21.760
show up camera ready every single time do you see like there's not even a dude on here and I put

1144
01:17:21.760 --> 01:17:27.120
makeup on for you I've got a little white light going on I got a cute picture in the background

1145
01:17:27.120 --> 01:17:32.080
you'd be surprised how many of your fellow sisters show up on these co-ed calls and I don't care like

1146
01:17:32.080 --> 01:17:38.400
well it's only the same guys or it's only 10 guys well maybe those 10 guys knows your spirit mate

1147
01:17:38.400 --> 01:17:43.120
and he's not going to introduce you to your his spirit his buddy the spirit mate because you'll

1148
01:17:43.120 --> 01:17:48.320
look awful like and so I know we shouldn't be worried about looks but y'all like make sure the

1149
01:17:48.320 --> 01:17:53.760
lights facing you look at like I've got coffee spilled on my shirt now and you can't even tell

1150
01:17:53.760 --> 01:17:59.920
but like please please please show up camera ready um even if you're cute after a workout

1151
01:17:59.920 --> 01:18:05.600
put your hair up put a little lip gloss on always look camera ready because you never know who god

1152
01:18:05.600 --> 01:18:12.080
is going to highlight you too um all right well then since we have no more questions I'm going to

1153
01:18:12.080 --> 01:18:19.120
go ahead and pray us out father god we just love you so much we love that you love your girls you

1154
01:18:19.120 --> 01:18:25.040
you um you want to protect us you want to care for us you want us to have healthy godly marriages

1155
01:18:25.040 --> 01:18:31.440
with I call it happy healthy holy sex woohoo god you designed sex you designed an orgasm

1156
01:18:31.440 --> 01:18:37.680
you designed intimacy you want all of it for us in its proper time and in its proper place so

1157
01:18:37.680 --> 01:18:42.800
father god between the dating class and the boundaries class father god may we bring all

1158
01:18:42.800 --> 01:18:49.280
of our relationships to you give us grace let us give grace to ourselves when we don't get it right

1159
01:18:49.280 --> 01:18:54.800
and when we bust our own boundaries and we fall back into old habits and maybe may we rebound

1160
01:18:54.800 --> 01:19:00.320
quickly may we show grace and space for the men that we're dating who bust their boundaries and

1161
01:19:00.320 --> 01:19:06.240
our boundaries sometimes so father god we just lift this entire journey up to you knowing that

1162
01:19:06.240 --> 01:19:11.120
you have a divine connection for each and every single one of us because we've got some kingdom

1163
01:19:11.120 --> 01:19:16.240
destiny to work out and so we just name it claim it believe it and trust in it in jesus mighty name

1164
01:19:16.240 --> 01:19:20.800
amen all right ladies let me close out the