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Okay, so it is the top of the hour and I want to honor y'all for coming on time.

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Thank you, Bethany for hooking me up. So we are also live on Facebook, if you are catching this on Facebook, the zoom link is also in the comment field make sure you join us live so I can get to your questions.

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It's a little bit harder for me to see questions from the Facebook feed, so glad you are all here. And hopefully some of you will take yourself off and put the camera on so I can see your pretty little faces.

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Thank you. Otherwise I just feel like I'm talking to myself and that's no fun.

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All right, girls, okie dokie. Okay, I'm looking at the names here.

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And I have been. So I'm just I'm wanting you to have any of you guys not posted anything in phase two yet you are just scrolling around in the bleacher seats, and you're observing with popcorn but you've not engaged.

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Okay, so, okay. All right, Mandy thanks for confessing, I appreciate that.

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And you get it's funny because the most common question people want when they hear Jackie do a challenge is, I want you to be my coach, I want to get one on one coaching.

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In theory, we actually offer that right here. We offer that in the Facebook feed for you guys to plop in comments. Bethany always reads them her team reads them and Jackie herself sometimes reads them in comments.

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We also have check ins we have them at one o'clock, and we have them in the evening, you know, every week.

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So this is really your chance to go hey, I have a question, and you get to tell us your stuff and you literally get one on one coaching right back to you.

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The difference is, you have maybe 12 other witnesses to your one on one coaching, which is actually really great because it kind of holds you accountable because you can't ever say, I didn't know that, because then Shannon can go, Oh, Mandy Renee told you that

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last week so she totally knows. And so, not only does the group coaching help because you hear questions. And sometimes I don't know about you but I learned just as much listening to other people's stories as my own I'm like, Oh yeah, that's so me too.

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So you have a chance to learn. And sometimes when you hear your own situation and somebody else's mouth. It's so much clear right like when you're putting up a post and you're like trying to explain a situation and everyone else is like girl drop them or girl that's a red flag or Oh my gosh he's so amazing why don't you give him a chance.

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It seems so obvious when it's somebody else's story. And that's what starts to happen when you read other people's stories or listen to other people's stories, it starts to help you in a way it's very much like a 12 step meeting it kind of you're like, Oh, that's what that looks like that's what that sounds like that's, that's what I sound like.

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It does help you get a good perspective so I hope you guys I know it's not always a pain to be on social media and Facebook and I know we're working on moving to an app soon.

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But right now we're stuck on Facebook but this was really a great opportunity for you to be a part of this community and sisterhood in a way that's going to help you and bless you in your journey.

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For the most part, many of us complained about the same thing before we got into this program that none of our married friends understood how we felt that so many of them have been married for so long, their advice was really, it was either cliche.

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It was patronizing it was pitying it was every version of what did not make you feel good. And the good news is you're in a community of people who understand exactly how you are feeling.

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So this is the place to ask the questions, nothing you can say will shock us and shame us, we've been there seen it done it all. I ran a pregnancy center for 20 years, I promise you, there's nothing I haven't heard so you can tell me you slept with the Pope and I will

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not blink and I neither will Jackie, we're just going to walk you through it.

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And I just really want you guys to take advantage of that so I'm going to go through some housekeeping items. And then I'm going to read you a couple things because I really try to pay attention to what you guys are saying in phase two, and I'm also in the middle

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of the mating season myself so I'm trying to go like what was it like for me when I first started and what do I, what are the themes I see resonating and Bethany and I usually check in to make sure we're kind of on the same page with what we see kind of resonating in your hearts.

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So the first thing I want to remind you is to just pace yourself. I know that it seems really hard. I mean, it's wonderful and excruciating when Jackie post all these engagement photos you're like, Whoa, it happened for her it happened for her.

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But there's a part of you that's like, and it's not me. Right. And it's still not me like oh my gosh, what is she doing, like oh my gosh he joined the program after me.

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What the heck is she doing getting married and I'm still single.

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And so it's really easy, and especially when you hear the phrase last year, single, it's

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really easy to kind of get on this, you know, this Ferris wheel or this, you know, kind

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of wheel trying to speed up and catch up with everybody else.

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And so I really want to encourage you to go at the pace that you're supposed to go at.

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We usually say in phase two, it's a video a week.

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Some of you are going to watch them faster.

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Some of you are going to watch them slower.

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It's all good.

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Like you go at the pace and the way we're having folks come in in this one call, I might

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have folks that I've seen all four videos that we have or none of the videos.

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And so just remember to just pace yourself at the pace that God has for you.

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Don't try to speed up.

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I've already encouraged you to try to stay present.

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Now, I'm not asking you to be an addict on Facebook.

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I'm not asking you to be on this page three hours a day.

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Heck no.

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I need you out there dating and going to meet people in real life.

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And so if you're on your phone and you're on Facebook, then you're not going to meet

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people.

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So that's not going to really help you.

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So I really want you to get out there.

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But I do want you to check in.

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Obviously every Monday, you're going to get a roll call or Monday or Tuesday, you're going

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to get the roll call post that says, how are you doing?

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Show up, give an answer, give a win and a loss.

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Like tell us what's going well and tell us what's not going well.

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Read each other's posts, cheer each other on, learn from each other.

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That's why I really want to encourage you to kind of be engaged and also share with

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us what's going on.

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It is so easy for you guys to do the hard work, have a couple of cool dates.

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You go off and you go date not in community and you don't tell us what's going on and

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we can't help you walk through it.

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Then you come back and all of a sudden you're like engaged and you've known him two weeks

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or like there's red flags flying everywhere and you give us this dossier of what's happened

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and we can't even keep up because it's just so much and we're like, I'm sorry, when did

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you start talking to him?

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Like we're supposed to give you advice and you just vomited on us and we really can't

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even keep up because your head is swirling so much that that's how the post is going.

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So really try to give an update every single week.

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Even if it's like, Hey, I've got nothing to report.

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It snowed in my town and I shoveled for three hours.

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I don't really care.

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Like just let us know how you're doing.

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Let us know how we can be praying for you guys.

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You guys, this community is amazing.

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You will start to notice as you go through the phases that literally all over the country,

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we meet up with each other.

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I was, I'm in Nashville.

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One of my dearest friends is in New Jersey.

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We've known each other for two years, have not met in person.

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I happen to be home in Connecticut for the holidays.

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She went from New Jersey to Vermont or somewhere and we realized she was going to pass my mom's

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exit on the way home and we're like, Oh my gosh.

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And so we got to meet in real life and it was so much fun.

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I have another girl who actually needed a place to stay.

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I was on a business trip.

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She was going to be in Nashville.

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She was also my friend in this community.

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Y'all, she needed a place to stay in Nashville.

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I let her stay in this place.

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I left a key under the mat for her before I met her in person.

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That's crazy.

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But that's what happens in this sisterhood.

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So I'm really going to encourage you to enjoy this sisterhood.

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Like it is like no other.

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You guys, we all have a mean girl story.

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We've all been screwed over by women.

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We've all played the comparison game with women.

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Gosh, I'm not as tall as her.

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I'm not as cute as her.

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I'm not as outgoing as her.

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I'm not as thin as her.

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That should not be the case here.

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This is a community of women that is here to cheer you on.

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And we actually mean that.

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Gail is in New Jersey.

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She is a sweet woman.

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She's got gray hair.

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She prays every single morning and she does all these little drawings.

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But there's a lot of people in New Jersey, so she's not the only one.

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And so I just, I really want you to encourage you to stay in the game here and stay involved

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with this community.

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It is a special, special, special, Holy Spirit filled community.

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So that's what I'm going to also say to you.

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The next thing I want to say is, and this is really important, you guys, and I said

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this in the first class and it really resonated with a lot of people.

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When we date healthy, after heart work, it should look different.

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It should feel different.

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It shouldn't exhaust you.

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I don't care how long you're doing it.

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I don't care how many bozos you meet.

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I don't care how many scammers show up, how many times you get ghosted.

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If you date with a heal and hold heart, then your identity should be set in Christ.

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And so I'm going to read you some lyrics to a song because this song makes me weep.

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And you guys, everything I'm telling you is advice.

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I promise you I've walked through all of it.

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I usually give advice on what not to do because I've done it all wrong.

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So like, don't like, obviously I'm still figuring it out too.

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You get to walk it out with me and I get to walk it out with you.

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So I didn't get to marry my next door neighbor like Jackie did.

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So like, that's not how it's happening for me.

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So I'm slogging it out with y'all and I'm trying to figuring it out.

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But I will say my dating life in the last two years has utterly changed.

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I probably have been on 50 first dates.

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That's more dates than I've had in my entire life.

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Like I am, I've enjoyed getting to know who I am,

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other, who other people are.

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I don't interview them on dates.

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And so it's been a great discovery.

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And I no longer care in the beginning

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what men think about me.

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And I'm able to really just show up and just enjoy myself

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and not have to like school them or teach them

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or shame them if they're behaving inappropriate.

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I can just move on.

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So this is an older song.

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It's not older.

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I don't know how old it is.

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It might be a few years old.

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It's written by Hawk Nelson.

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It's called Live Like You're Loved.

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And so I really, even if you just,

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this is, oh, Hunter, are you a guy, Hunter?

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Because if you're a guy, you need to get off here.

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Did he get off?

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And he did.

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What the Hunter?

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Sweet Hunter.

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You'll meet Hunter.

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I don't know how Hunter got his hands.

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Hunter's special.

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You'll meet Hunter in phase three.

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He's a sweet boy.

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I don't know how the heck he got his hands on this link.

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Sweet Jesus.

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Okay, here we go.

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Live Like You're Loved.

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Live Like You're Loved by Hawk Nelson.

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You are not the only one who feels this way.

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Feeling like you lose more than you win.

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Like life is just an endless hill you climb.

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You try and you try, but never arrive.

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I'm telling you something, this race, this running,

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oh, you're working way too hard.

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And this perfection you're chasing,

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it's just energy wasting.

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Because he loves you like you are loved.

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So go ahead and live like you're loved.

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It's okay to act like you've been set free.

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His love has made you more than enough.

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So go ahead and be who he made you to be

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and live like you're loved.

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Live like you know you're valuable.

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Like you know the one that holds your soul.

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His mercy has called you by name.

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Don't be afraid to live in that grace.

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I'm telling you something, this God we believe in,

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yes, he changed everything.

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No more guilt, no more shame.

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He took all of that away and he gave us a reason to sing.

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So go ahead and live like you're loved.

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It's okay to act like you've been set free.

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His love has made you more than enough.

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So go ahead and be who he has made you to be

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and live like you're loved.

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Stand like you know he made you to be,

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live like you're loved, like you believe.

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His love is all that you'll ever need.

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So go ahead and live like you're loved.

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His love has made you more than enough.

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And so you guys, I really, I want you to date like that.

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Remember Jackie would say, the guy, the spirit mate,

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he's the cherry on the cake.

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And so we cannot be dating in this season,

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expecting him to make us feel loved, valued and worthy.

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God's already decided that we are loved,

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valued and worthy so much that he sent his son.

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And I was saying this this afternoon

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and I'll say it again to you guys here.

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It's like, we trust God with our salvation,

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but we don't trust him with our finances sometimes.

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Like we look at the spreadsheet, I'm a spreadsheet girl.

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And I'm like, okay, God, the numbers aren't adding up.

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I don't see it, but I trust you with my salvation.

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God, I haven't really had a good date in a long time.

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I feel like I don't have a love story.

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You have a love story for everybody else.

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Clearly I'm supposed to be left alone.

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I don't, I trust him with where I'm gonna spend eternity.

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You guys think about that.

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We trust him with eternity.

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We trust that he's gonna bring us home,

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but we don't trust him with our dating life.

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So we have to live like we're loved.

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We have to, so I just want you to kind of embody that

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as you go into this dating phase.

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Because one of the things that, you know,

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Bethany wanted me to make sure is that you guys,

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we want you to enjoy this process.

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We want you to get out of your heads

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and we want you to sit in the pocket

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of what it means to be divine feminine.

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If you have not yet watched that video,

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you're gonna be excited to watch it.

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I loved it.

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For those of you that feel like you're too meek and mild,

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it's gonna encourage you to embrace the softness

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that you already are.

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For those of us that are loud and proud boss babes,

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it's gonna help us kind of know

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how God wants to celebrate our giftedness

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while bringing it to its soft side as well.

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And so there's areas for us to either grow up

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into that divine feminine,

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and there's ways that we can soften that.

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And so that's a really, really good teaching

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for you guys to do.

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Obviously, I'm gonna kind of remind you real quick.

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Dating 101 is probably the first video

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we talk about the levels.

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Unless you guys are in a one-on-one committed relationship,

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you are in what's called discovery dating.

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And I like to remind folks that in the discovery dating,

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you should be watching all levels of intimacy.

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If you've got a pen, write this word down.

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It's an acronym.

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It's PIES, P-I-E-S, PIES.

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So some of you are being really good

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with securing your intimacy.

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Say you're holding it back in discovery dating in some areas of your life, but not all areas.

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Guess what the P stands for?

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Physical.

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In discovery dating, ladies, we should be at most hugging, maybe a little side hug,

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maybe a peck on the cheek.

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If sexual sin, if, you know, having sex too quickly before it's in a committed relationship,

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if that is an area you have struggled in, you guys keep your dates public.

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It's really that simple.

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If you think he's hot and you're horny and he's a great kisser, I'm suggesting don't

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bring him back to your house.

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Like at my age, I've learned if all those things are in play, the kitchen's not a safe

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place in my house.

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So do not tempt faith.

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And physical intimacy, you guys, and I used to, you know, run a clinic.

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So I still love teaching the sex and healthy relationship education to the middle school,

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high school and young adults.

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And I'm like, so let's not behave like teenagers.

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You guys, we're all adult women.

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Making sexual comments is called sexting.

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That's still not protecting your intimacy.

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Sending new photos and or videos is still not that.

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So if that is happening to you and guys are sending suggestive material to you, you're

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done.

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You got to cut it off.

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That guy is not a good guy for you.

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Remember the three M's that Jackie encourages us to look for when we're dating men.

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We're not 22 anymore, right?

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So we are looking for masculine, mature, marriage minded men.

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And so masculine, mature, marriage minded men are not going to send you photos.

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They're not going to ask you for photos.

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They're not going to be sexually inappropriate.

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They're not going to say things to you like, you know, I got divorced because my first

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wife didn't like sex.

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And I like a lot of sex, dude, I've had a guy say that to me on my first day, but bye.

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Okay.

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I just did the P so P is physical.

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So I'm really driving this home because I've read some of the comments y'all.

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And some of y'all are, are not managing your physical boundaries with guys.

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So we want to nail this down.

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Remember we want to find our spirit mate, not our soulmate.

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Our spirit mate means that we're going to, we're going to connect in the heart and the

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mind and the spirit first, then the physical.

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If you lead with the physical, it's going to topple over.

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The second letter is the I intellectual.

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Now it's, it, it's really hard.

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00:17:27.460 --> 00:17:32.140
Like I'm like a brain girl, but you want to make sure that the person you're talking to

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00:17:32.140 --> 00:17:35.540
in those early dates that you're not letting them into your soul.

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As far as your intellect, you can share smart information and kind of quiz each other on

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that.

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00:17:40.740 --> 00:17:43.700
But I'm like, I'm talking about your deepest, darkest thoughts and secrets.

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They do not, they do not get that information in the texting, the video chat, and the first

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00:17:48.580 --> 00:17:49.780
three to four dates.

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They are not getting your deep, darkest thoughts.

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The E for Pies is emotional, and you want to make sure you're not getting emotionally

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attached to the guys that you are talking to early on.

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Now for those of us that are caretakers, therapists, school teachers, medical personnel, or in

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social services, we attract that like a magnet.

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We're so good at getting people to vomit their personal stuff really fast.

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It makes us good at our job.

315
00:18:18.020 --> 00:18:22.540
I have learned it doesn't make us healthy in dating relationships because we can't help

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00:18:22.540 --> 00:18:23.540
ourselves.

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Like you guys, like I'll talk to a stranger and they're like, oh my gosh, I don't know

318
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why I can tell you this.

319
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And they just tell me everything.

320
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And I'm like, oh my God, I'm not a therapist.

321
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Why are you giving me this information?

322
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I don't know what to do with it.

323
00:18:34.580 --> 00:18:36.580
And but in ministry, it works really well.

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00:18:36.580 --> 00:18:42.460
But if a guy does it to us too quickly, our nurturing gift turns into caretaking gift.

325
00:18:42.460 --> 00:18:47.540
And the minute we turn a nurturing gift into a caretaking gift with a guy we barely know,

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we are not going to be able to have an equal footing in that relationship.

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It's going to be really hard for us to turn that caretaking therapist role off.

328
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And sooner or later, we're going to be actually really disappointed in him.

329
00:18:57.700 --> 00:19:03.500
And we're going to start to be judgy McJudgy or he starts to get healthy, but now he realizes

330
00:19:03.500 --> 00:19:07.620
he's dumped all that personal garbage on you and now he's embarrassed.

331
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And so he might pull away.

332
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So it actually never serves us well to get too emotionally attached.

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And you guys, that means we're not supposed to be sharing our stuff.

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00:19:16.180 --> 00:19:18.020
I don't care how cute and pretty is.

335
00:19:18.020 --> 00:19:22.700
I don't care how much like the stars are connecting, because like sometimes Jackie will always

336
00:19:22.700 --> 00:19:27.300
tell us this, like, oh, my gosh, but we had this connection right away.

337
00:19:27.300 --> 00:19:33.020
Well, we have learned the science has told us that sometimes when you have that connection

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00:19:33.020 --> 00:19:34.020
right away.

339
00:19:34.020 --> 00:19:35.980
Yeah, that's not a healthy connection.

340
00:19:35.980 --> 00:19:39.180
Like you shouldn't have sparks of flying on the first day.

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00:19:39.180 --> 00:19:42.660
Like we want to crawl across the table with a guy you barely know and be like, we got

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to get it on.

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Probably not a healthy day.

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The codependent and the alcoholic in a bar will find each other every single time.

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There's like this energy shift.

346
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And so if you have been the codependent, you will attract the narcissist.

347
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If you've been the caretaker, you will attract the victim.

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00:19:58.500 --> 00:19:59.980
So we kind of have to put those.

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00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:04.340
that's off in those early dates to just get to know them.

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So I just want to encourage that.

351
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So then S is spiritual.

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Now for some of you, Jesus loving girls,

353
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and I love me some Jesus too.

354
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That's why Jackie cautions too much

355
00:20:15.140 --> 00:20:18.140
talking about faith or praying together.

356
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Praying together is a pretty intimate act.

357
00:20:20.340 --> 00:20:22.460
Now I know people on the street will sometimes pray

358
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over a complete stranger, but we're not talking about that.

359
00:20:25.420 --> 00:20:29.420
So you have to really guard how much Jesus you bring

360
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into those early discovery dating.

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00:20:31.780 --> 00:20:35.300
Just like physical, it can be kind of like a drug.

362
00:20:35.300 --> 00:20:39.520
It can be like, oh my gosh, he quoted from scripture

363
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and he prayed over me and at the end of our date,

364
00:20:41.860 --> 00:20:43.360
he laid hands on me.

365
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Like that's all great y'all,

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but that's like bringing a lot of intimacy into the table.

367
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And for some of you who are really Jones in for that,

368
00:20:50.120 --> 00:20:52.160
you might get as turned on by that

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00:20:52.160 --> 00:20:54.240
as the person who's gonna get too turned on

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00:20:54.240 --> 00:20:56.640
by cuddly McDreamy.

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And so we just really want to make sure

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in those early dating seasons, you watch your pies,

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your intimacy, physical, intellectual,

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emotional, and spiritual.

375
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So I really kind of wanted to drive that home

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00:21:08.060 --> 00:21:12.260
because I've seen that kind of go awry in some of your areas.

377
00:21:13.620 --> 00:21:15.440
Okay, let's see.

378
00:21:15.440 --> 00:21:16.280
I already told you about that.

379
00:21:16.280 --> 00:21:17.620
Okay, watch the Ask Jackie.

380
00:21:17.620 --> 00:21:19.900
If you have not seen the Ask Jackie from yesterday,

381
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she did a great Ask Jackie.

382
00:21:21.800 --> 00:21:25.540
So she does an Ask Jackie probably once a month.

383
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You never know when she's gonna do it.

384
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So you just have to be okay with that.

385
00:21:28.640 --> 00:21:32.280
But there is an Ask Jackie Google Doc form to fill out.

386
00:21:32.280 --> 00:21:33.760
I believe it's in your guides.

387
00:21:33.760 --> 00:21:35.300
I don't remember which guide number it is,

388
00:21:35.300 --> 00:21:36.900
but look in your guides.

389
00:21:36.900 --> 00:21:39.600
It is somewhere on that list.

390
00:21:39.600 --> 00:21:41.740
Carolyn, thank you for writing it all down.

391
00:21:41.740 --> 00:21:43.840
I appreciate you doing that.

392
00:21:43.840 --> 00:21:44.840
It is somewhere in that guides

393
00:21:44.840 --> 00:21:45.880
and it's just a Google form.

394
00:21:45.880 --> 00:21:47.800
You can click on it and ask a question.

395
00:21:47.800 --> 00:21:49.380
Now I will say this,

396
00:21:49.380 --> 00:21:52.120
if it's a question where you need an immediate answer,

397
00:21:52.120 --> 00:21:53.560
I would not wait for Ask Jackie

398
00:21:53.560 --> 00:21:55.220
because you're not sure when she's gonna get to it.

399
00:21:55.240 --> 00:21:58.040
So that would be a great time to put it in your newsfeed

400
00:21:58.040 --> 00:22:00.360
or bring it to this weekly check-in.

401
00:22:00.360 --> 00:22:03.280
So you have three places where you can ask questions.

402
00:22:03.280 --> 00:22:05.080
Ask Jackie, the newsfeed,

403
00:22:05.080 --> 00:22:08.260
or you can come here to ask your questions.

404
00:22:08.260 --> 00:22:09.520
But it's a great episode.

405
00:22:09.520 --> 00:22:10.640
I encourage you to watch it.

406
00:22:10.640 --> 00:22:13.160
Even if it's not your question being answered,

407
00:22:13.160 --> 00:22:14.520
you guys tend to start,

408
00:22:14.520 --> 00:22:17.220
we all tend to start to have the same kind of questions

409
00:22:17.220 --> 00:22:18.480
over and over again,

410
00:22:18.480 --> 00:22:20.520
and you'll start to learn her answers.

411
00:22:20.520 --> 00:22:21.800
And you're like, ah, wow,

412
00:22:21.800 --> 00:22:24.020
that so applies to me and my situation,

413
00:22:24.020 --> 00:22:27.240
even though my situation is a little bit differently.

414
00:22:28.280 --> 00:22:29.720
Okay.

415
00:22:29.720 --> 00:22:32.400
The other little topic that Bethany wanted me to cover

416
00:22:32.400 --> 00:22:33.880
was long-distance dating.

417
00:22:33.880 --> 00:22:37.120
So long-distance dating is really hard.

418
00:22:37.120 --> 00:22:39.680
It is not for the faint of heart.

419
00:22:39.680 --> 00:22:41.640
One of two things can usually happen

420
00:22:41.640 --> 00:22:43.280
with long-distance dating.

421
00:22:43.280 --> 00:22:45.780
It either gets hot and heavy really quick

422
00:22:45.780 --> 00:22:47.940
and it flames out,

423
00:22:47.940 --> 00:22:51.760
or it goes and then it starts to stall.

424
00:22:51.780 --> 00:22:54.380
And it usually will start to stall,

425
00:22:54.380 --> 00:22:56.060
or it even flames out

426
00:22:56.060 --> 00:22:58.740
because you don't meet in person soon enough.

427
00:22:58.740 --> 00:23:01.220
So the truth is that it can go vroom,

428
00:23:03.260 --> 00:23:04.500
that can happen,

429
00:23:04.500 --> 00:23:05.860
or that it's going, it's going,

430
00:23:05.860 --> 00:23:07.440
and then it just starts to wane.

431
00:23:07.440 --> 00:23:10.000
Both of those happen when you don't meet in person enough.

432
00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:11.860
So our general rule of thumb

433
00:23:11.860 --> 00:23:16.660
is you try to keep your video dates to about an hour.

434
00:23:16.660 --> 00:23:18.260
Anything longer than that,

435
00:23:18.260 --> 00:23:21.200
it's really too easy to just start vomiting

436
00:23:21.540 --> 00:23:24.020
and sharing every personal detail about your life

437
00:23:24.020 --> 00:23:26.780
because you've got this undivided attention with somebody.

438
00:23:26.780 --> 00:23:28.180
And sometimes they're tired.

439
00:23:28.180 --> 00:23:29.860
So then the next video chat,

440
00:23:29.860 --> 00:23:32.700
it moves from the counter to the living room,

441
00:23:32.700 --> 00:23:33.620
to the bedroom.

442
00:23:33.620 --> 00:23:35.740
And all of a sudden they're in bed talking to you.

443
00:23:35.740 --> 00:23:37.540
And then it's like pillow talk.

444
00:23:37.540 --> 00:23:39.540
And they're like, oh baby,

445
00:23:39.540 --> 00:23:40.940
all right, let's just keep talking.

446
00:23:40.940 --> 00:23:43.180
Like I'm going to put you to bed right next to me.

447
00:23:43.180 --> 00:23:44.180
Girls, I've done this.

448
00:23:44.180 --> 00:23:46.100
I know, I know.

449
00:23:46.100 --> 00:23:48.260
And it's like, it's all just magical.

450
00:23:48.260 --> 00:23:50.120
And then you meet in person

451
00:23:50.120 --> 00:23:54.160
and it doesn't always connect, didn't register.

452
00:23:54.160 --> 00:23:55.100
And then it's awkward

453
00:23:55.100 --> 00:23:57.340
because one of you is still really into it

454
00:23:57.340 --> 00:23:58.620
and the other person's not.

455
00:23:58.620 --> 00:24:00.020
And you're like, eh, not so much.

456
00:24:00.020 --> 00:24:01.940
Or you're both not into it

457
00:24:01.940 --> 00:24:03.640
or you're both so into it

458
00:24:03.640 --> 00:24:05.740
that it's going to be too hard to be like,

459
00:24:05.740 --> 00:24:07.260
oh, too much on the first date.

460
00:24:07.260 --> 00:24:09.960
So we really recommend keeping those video dates

461
00:24:09.960 --> 00:24:11.220
to about an hour.

462
00:24:11.220 --> 00:24:12.940
Do fun things with them.

463
00:24:12.940 --> 00:24:15.980
Take them on a walk, play a board game,

464
00:24:15.980 --> 00:24:17.400
cook a dinner together.

465
00:24:17.400 --> 00:24:19.780
Try not to just do an interviewing across

466
00:24:20.440 --> 00:24:22.080
because it's really hard to not do that.

467
00:24:22.080 --> 00:24:23.560
The other thing that we encourage

468
00:24:23.560 --> 00:24:28.560
is within six video dates or six weeks, you book a visit.

469
00:24:29.440 --> 00:24:32.280
You cannot keep meeting longer than six weeks

470
00:24:32.280 --> 00:24:34.460
without getting to see each other.

471
00:24:34.460 --> 00:24:37.120
Now, if you guys are not in the same country,

472
00:24:37.120 --> 00:24:39.480
that might be a little bit more difficult,

473
00:24:39.480 --> 00:24:41.700
but you really need to be going at it

474
00:24:41.700 --> 00:24:44.240
with the intention of we're going to meet face-to-face.

475
00:24:44.240 --> 00:24:47.920
And I think ladies, we need to be clear upfront.

476
00:24:47.940 --> 00:24:50.340
Somebody asked me, how quickly do you mention that?

477
00:24:50.340 --> 00:24:52.660
I don't mention that necessarily on the first video date,

478
00:24:52.660 --> 00:24:54.060
although I will say this,

479
00:24:54.060 --> 00:24:56.260
like a guy found me from Single Nation.

480
00:24:56.260 --> 00:24:57.260
I live in Nashville.

481
00:24:57.260 --> 00:24:58.300
He reached out to me.

482
00:24:58.300 --> 00:24:59.740
He lives in California.

483
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:05.480
And he, we texted a bit back and forth on Facebook and then we booked a video and he's

484
00:25:05.480 --> 00:25:08.640
like, well, how do you feel about dating somebody long distance?

485
00:25:08.640 --> 00:25:09.640
And here's what I said.

486
00:25:09.640 --> 00:25:10.880
I said, you know what?

487
00:25:10.880 --> 00:25:12.380
I'm okay with it.

488
00:25:12.380 --> 00:25:18.220
If you're intentional about pursuing me, I have no need for a digital romance here.

489
00:25:18.220 --> 00:25:22.240
Like if you have no intention of ever coming to Nashville or letting me come to California

490
00:25:22.240 --> 00:25:25.560
and you just want a video buddy, I'm not your gal.

491
00:25:25.560 --> 00:25:29.960
Like I'm in this to meet somebody in real life and you know, cause I'm like looking

492
00:25:29.960 --> 00:25:30.960
for the real thing.

493
00:25:30.960 --> 00:25:31.960
I've done the dating thing.

494
00:25:31.960 --> 00:25:34.200
He's like, oh my gosh, of course that's where I am too.

495
00:25:34.200 --> 00:25:39.280
We chatted for like two and a half months and I was finally getting to the point we

496
00:25:39.280 --> 00:25:45.040
were doing, it was about, it was about two months cause we probably hit our seventh date

497
00:25:45.040 --> 00:25:47.640
and I was like really itching for that live date.

498
00:25:47.640 --> 00:25:50.880
And he was like, well, I think we're not in the same place because I can't believe on

499
00:25:50.880 --> 00:25:54.600
the very first date you told me that we had to see each other in person someday.

500
00:25:54.640 --> 00:25:59.240
And I'm like, uh, I, I stand by that comment.

501
00:25:59.240 --> 00:26:03.240
Like why would I be talking to you a thousand miles away if you have no intention?

502
00:26:03.240 --> 00:26:06.920
Like I'm not going to, I'm not going to play around and be on a video date for a year.

503
00:26:06.920 --> 00:26:08.760
Like I'm not saying, and ladies, you are not doing that.

504
00:26:08.760 --> 00:26:11.040
We're not going to let you do that.

505
00:26:11.040 --> 00:26:15.360
And so that's kind of the rule of thumb is you really want to try to meet each other.

506
00:26:15.360 --> 00:26:18.960
It is great to meet halfway the first time.

507
00:26:18.960 --> 00:26:22.720
Sometimes if you guys can't meet halfway, he needs to come to you.

508
00:26:22.720 --> 00:26:24.960
That is where the man needs to step up to the plate.

509
00:26:24.960 --> 00:26:26.480
He needs to come to you.

510
00:26:26.480 --> 00:26:31.120
Now I will say this, if he's going to spend money on a hotel and an airplane or driving

511
00:26:31.120 --> 00:26:37.060
out there, um, then you know, you might want to offer to help pay for some of the events

512
00:26:37.060 --> 00:26:40.760
that you do or think of all the free things that you can do.

513
00:26:40.760 --> 00:26:45.080
Obviously do not necessarily have a strange guy in your house the first time he comes.

514
00:26:45.080 --> 00:26:50.000
Um, and if you're not feeling comfortable, don't necessarily book to, um, like be cooking

515
00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:52.000
him dinner at home if you're not ready to do that.

516
00:26:52.000 --> 00:26:58.640
So kind of plan accordingly, but just pace yourself with long distance dating in general.

517
00:26:58.640 --> 00:27:02.980
If you haven't watched my dating session, please watch it because it's very helpful.

518
00:27:02.980 --> 00:27:06.480
You should not be texting somebody longer than a week or two.

519
00:27:06.480 --> 00:27:11.200
You really need to then move to a video date and you can put it out there and you really

520
00:27:11.200 --> 00:27:13.520
shouldn't video date more than a few times.

521
00:27:13.520 --> 00:27:16.280
If it's like, I don't video date more than once or twice.

522
00:27:16.280 --> 00:27:20.640
If he's local before I'm like, Hey, like I would like to meet in person if you don't,

523
00:27:20.640 --> 00:27:21.640
that's okay.

524
00:27:21.640 --> 00:27:22.640
But like, I'm not going to keep doing this.

525
00:27:22.640 --> 00:27:26.160
Um, and so you kind of move it along to a live date.

526
00:27:26.160 --> 00:27:30.000
And then of course, you know, it's, you know, we always say it's a yes until it's a no.

527
00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:34.120
If you've had a good time on your date, even if you're like, I'm not really sure I'm attracted

528
00:27:34.120 --> 00:27:35.120
to him.

529
00:27:35.120 --> 00:27:37.240
We encourage you to give him a second chance.

530
00:27:37.240 --> 00:27:41.760
Um, so I think I've gotten to all of the topics.

531
00:27:41.760 --> 00:27:47.960
I just, I really want to encourage you guys to enjoy this process and to just be willing

532
00:27:47.960 --> 00:27:49.840
to try things different.

533
00:27:50.040 --> 00:27:55.720
Be willing to go outside of your comfort note, um, your comfort zone and be willing to be

534
00:27:55.720 --> 00:28:02.800
set up, be willing to be willing to be wrong, you guys, um, but really kind of preserve

535
00:28:02.800 --> 00:28:03.800
your integrity.

536
00:28:03.800 --> 00:28:06.520
Uh, I got all the way to the pre-marriage state.

537
00:28:06.520 --> 00:28:11.600
Uh, Jackie always jokes that she's a matchmaker and a match breaker and she helped match break

538
00:28:11.600 --> 00:28:19.520
me, which is fun, but I'll tell you what, y'all like I've had my heart handed to me

539
00:28:19.520 --> 00:28:24.000
on a silver platter before this program, I mean shattered.

540
00:28:24.000 --> 00:28:28.680
And I can honestly say for all the ups and downs of the dating realm, I have not been

541
00:28:28.680 --> 00:28:30.880
shattered since I came into this program.

542
00:28:30.880 --> 00:28:33.640
It's because I've learned how to date healthy.

543
00:28:33.640 --> 00:28:37.400
And so that's what I can tell you is you don't have to be shattered.

544
00:28:37.400 --> 00:28:41.040
You might flop, you might fail, you might make a few mistakes and might be like, oh

545
00:28:41.040 --> 00:28:43.040
my gosh, I can't believe I just said that.

546
00:28:43.040 --> 00:28:44.320
And it is okay.

547
00:28:44.320 --> 00:28:45.320
You can't screw up.

548
00:28:45.320 --> 00:28:50.160
So this is what I also tried to remind the earlier crowd too, is yes, we believe that

549
00:28:50.160 --> 00:28:54.240
there is a spirit mate for you, but I actually think God is so amazing.

550
00:28:54.240 --> 00:28:59.320
There is more than one person I think that God could have as your spirit mate, because

551
00:28:59.320 --> 00:29:04.440
think about it for you to get it all right and him to get it all right.

552
00:29:04.440 --> 00:29:08.240
That's a lot of getting it all right for you to, to find each other.

553
00:29:08.240 --> 00:29:12.520
And so I'd like to believe that if God is the God of second chances and he redeems and

554
00:29:12.520 --> 00:29:16.120
restores, then it, that we can't miss it.

555
00:29:16.120 --> 00:29:20.520
So when we say you can't mess up your spirit mate, it's because God's already got your

556
00:29:20.520 --> 00:29:22.520
plan B, C, D, E, F, G.

557
00:29:22.520 --> 00:29:27.120
I don't care if you're on plan Z, I promise you, if you're on plan Z, your spirit mate

558
00:29:27.120 --> 00:29:28.760
is still going to be amazing to you.

559
00:29:28.760 --> 00:29:29.760
It really is.

560
00:29:29.760 --> 00:29:30.880
So you can't screw it up.

561
00:29:30.880 --> 00:29:31.880
You can't meet him.

562
00:29:31.880 --> 00:29:36.200
I think Jackie said she ran into David like five different times in the last five years

563
00:29:36.200 --> 00:29:38.500
before she actually met him in person.

564
00:29:38.500 --> 00:29:40.280
So it's like, you can't mess it up you guys.

565
00:29:40.280 --> 00:29:44.760
So if you were, you were zigging while he was zagging, if he's your, if that zag is

566
00:29:44.760 --> 00:29:47.560
your guy, God's going to bring them back around.

567
00:29:47.560 --> 00:29:52.440
So that's the encouragement we want to give you is that you just, we keep thinking we

568
00:29:52.440 --> 00:29:55.000
can mess up bigger than God can fix.

569
00:29:55.000 --> 00:30:00.000
Again, I go back to, we trust God with our salvation, but we don't trust him.

570
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:05.680
to fix our mistakes. So that should kind of give you some encouragement like, oh my gosh,

571
00:30:06.480 --> 00:30:14.000
it's not all about me. Like sometimes it's about him and sometimes God just needs to do his thing

572
00:30:14.000 --> 00:30:20.000
and sometimes it's just not the right time. And so I would argue even though Jackie had run into

573
00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:25.040
David or heard about him and she's actually said it herself, if she met him any sooner,

574
00:30:25.040 --> 00:30:29.760
it wouldn't have been the right time. So it's going to be good. God's got you. So this is my

575
00:30:29.760 --> 00:30:36.160
chance now to launch into you guys asking me whatever you want. Stump me, scare me,

576
00:30:36.160 --> 00:30:39.280
do all the things. This is your floor. Now you guys get to ask the questions

577
00:30:41.840 --> 00:30:44.560
and it always takes a brave person to go first.

578
00:30:44.560 --> 00:30:56.640
I'll start. Okay, go for it, girl. So I sat back last week. I sort of watched the second video.

579
00:30:57.200 --> 00:31:06.320
I kind of went back into my old self, very panicky, like I was literally having panic attacks.

580
00:31:08.720 --> 00:31:14.080
I haven't had them in almost three years. I've been off of all antidepressants and medicine

581
00:31:14.160 --> 00:31:19.520
and stuff like that. I mean, I got to the point where I was scared. I didn't want to do nothing.

582
00:31:19.520 --> 00:31:25.760
Didn't want to go out, nothing. I'm like, no, this is not me. This has not been me for three years.

583
00:31:25.760 --> 00:31:37.360
I'm not going backwards. So I went back and I did two more of the forgiveness prayers.

584
00:31:38.080 --> 00:31:46.800
I let two more people go. Great. And since then, I feel a little more like myself,

585
00:31:46.800 --> 00:31:52.720
like I'm coming back out to it. But yeah, I had to, and I didn't even get into dating yet.

586
00:31:52.720 --> 00:31:59.120
I just, something in me just held me back. And you guys, that's the beauty of having access to

587
00:31:59.120 --> 00:32:03.840
this heartwork material. As you start dating, you're going to get triggered. Like that's one

588
00:32:03.840 --> 00:32:08.720
of the healthiest thing I learned from Jackie. I'm like, why is it I go into dating relationships?

589
00:32:08.720 --> 00:32:12.480
I'm like so healthy. I'm so strong. And then I meet some guy and it's like,

590
00:32:13.680 --> 00:32:18.400
and I'm like, what is that about? And she's like her in relationship, healed in relationship. So

591
00:32:19.040 --> 00:32:24.000
she's like, you can only do so much healing single and alone. Like you can read all the books,

592
00:32:24.000 --> 00:32:28.640
do all the things, but some of the healing isn't going to happen until your next relationship.

593
00:32:28.640 --> 00:32:34.000
And that's going to be true with bosses, girlfriends, friends, and boyfriends. If we

594
00:32:34.000 --> 00:32:39.280
were her in that relationship system, then we're going to have healing in that next relationship

595
00:32:39.280 --> 00:32:44.160
system. But that doesn't mean we're not going to get triggered. Nicole, do me a favor. Are

596
00:32:44.160 --> 00:32:51.600
you on a laptop? Are you on your computer? I am on a laptop. Okay. I want you to pick up

597
00:32:51.600 --> 00:32:57.120
your laptop. I'm going to teach you guys a lesson. I want you to turn that laptop around until you

598
00:32:57.120 --> 00:33:03.840
are facing the light in your bedroom. Pick it up because watch and I turn it around, walk with the

599
00:33:03.840 --> 00:33:09.520
light. So now the light. So I'm facing it? Yes. You want to face the light. Okay. Ladies, that's

600
00:33:09.520 --> 00:33:14.080
how you get rid of your wrinkles. You face the light. Ask any photographer, they will tell you

601
00:33:14.080 --> 00:33:19.840
face the light. Do you see that I've got light on my face? It makes me look really young, right?

602
00:33:19.840 --> 00:33:27.360
Watch. I take my computer and all of a sudden, oh my gosh, Nicole, everybody, everybody gives

603
00:33:27.360 --> 00:33:31.680
them applause from Nicole. Now you don't look like some creepy woman in the back. I'm like,

604
00:33:31.680 --> 00:33:38.480
you were just, this is how you want to show up on your dates. You want to face the light,

605
00:33:38.480 --> 00:33:43.760
ladies. There's like, it is hilarious. And you guys, please practice this once you get to phase

606
00:33:43.760 --> 00:33:47.760
three on your, you're on the co-ed calls. I know you're thinking, well, what if, you know,

607
00:33:47.760 --> 00:33:53.440
it's the same old guys or what if there's nobody hot? I don't care. Y'all need to practice showing

608
00:33:53.440 --> 00:33:59.680
up camera ready. Okay. These things get taped. They're going to get shown in the, like the

609
00:33:59.680 --> 00:34:07.920
playback for the guys and you want them to go, oh, okay. I see you, Cindy. I see you, Carolyn.

610
00:34:07.920 --> 00:34:14.639
I see you, Mandy. Y'all look cute. Jackie, who's that Mandy chick? I want to ask that Mandy chick

611
00:34:14.639 --> 00:34:22.719
out. Now they're not going to do that. If you're like on the calls, right. And like, look, see,

612
00:34:22.719 --> 00:34:27.679
I'm so good at being well lit that I don't have an unlit place in my house. Look at y'all. I still

613
00:34:27.679 --> 00:34:33.440
have my tree up. I put away all my decorations, except my flog tree, which apparently is a great

614
00:34:33.440 --> 00:34:37.520
thing. Cause there's like 10 inches of snow out there in Nashville right now. So all of a sudden,

615
00:34:37.520 --> 00:34:41.440
it's not looking so stupid that I kept it up there. So, and that's the thing y'all, when you

616
00:34:41.440 --> 00:34:46.159
do video dates, look at, I got a pretty painting that speaks to my personality in the back. Like,

617
00:34:46.159 --> 00:34:52.320
don't have some boring ass, like, sorry, some boring, like picture behind your, like your clothes,

618
00:34:52.320 --> 00:34:58.720
like your laundry or like, I will tell you what I'm, I'm, I'm so judgy McJudgy, hence my soul

619
00:34:58.720 --> 00:34:59.840
seeing being single.

620
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:03.280
that when I do a video date with a guy and I just see a white wall

621
00:35:03.280 --> 00:35:06.960
and no artwork up and like I kind of look around the room I'm like really

622
00:35:06.960 --> 00:35:10.560
like this guy I've got no personality at all

623
00:35:10.560 --> 00:35:14.640
and he's wearing gray like seriously um so pay attention how you look I just had

624
00:35:14.640 --> 00:35:17.040
to give you that little lesson to call I think the whole group

625
00:35:17.040 --> 00:35:20.800
is an agreement face yes it is your thank you

626
00:35:20.800 --> 00:35:24.960
you bet all right who else wants to ask a question

627
00:35:25.040 --> 00:35:27.840
go ahead carolyn

628
00:35:28.720 --> 00:35:35.200
okay renee this is very vulnerable so I need you to be kind

629
00:35:36.480 --> 00:35:40.880
I need you to slip into kind mama are you saying her call me out like that

630
00:35:40.880 --> 00:35:44.720
wasn't kind no I'm not saying anything I'm saying

631
00:35:44.720 --> 00:35:48.640
I need her to be kind I feel you I feel you I'm a straight shooter I'll

632
00:35:48.640 --> 00:35:52.080
soften it okay I need it because I could cry I'm just

633
00:35:52.080 --> 00:35:56.560
gonna be real okay so before right before I got into this

634
00:35:57.440 --> 00:36:00.880
program in September I met this guy Abhi Harmony

635
00:36:00.880 --> 00:36:04.240
and there were like all these things that were just like boom boom boom this

636
00:36:04.240 --> 00:36:06.400
seems amazing except there's like one thing the

637
00:36:06.400 --> 00:36:10.080
lord's like yeah you can't marry him if this doesn't change I'm like well that

638
00:36:10.080 --> 00:36:14.400
could change as possible we just like

639
00:36:14.560 --> 00:36:18.320
been there misogynistic theology issue okay but

640
00:36:18.320 --> 00:36:22.080
seemed like a really good guy you know um

641
00:36:22.080 --> 00:36:26.240
anyway and uh this is a little I'm trying to make it not a long story

642
00:36:26.240 --> 00:36:31.360
but basically um we did meet in person and then it didn't the first date didn't

643
00:36:31.360 --> 00:36:34.560
seem to go super well and so I reached out to him a

644
00:36:34.560 --> 00:36:37.920
couple days later because I was like I really think this could be a really

645
00:36:37.920 --> 00:36:41.120
good thing and then we met up that day and then we

646
00:36:41.120 --> 00:36:44.880
ended up having like two dates the first day and like getting like almost

647
00:36:44.880 --> 00:36:47.440
physical which it was not like my intention

648
00:36:47.440 --> 00:36:50.880
but he's really hot and um he took me out on his

649
00:36:50.880 --> 00:36:53.920
boat and then I was like this was maybe not the smartest

650
00:36:53.920 --> 00:36:58.560
uh move in the middle of the night you know it was really fun

651
00:36:58.560 --> 00:37:01.840
didn't do anything really bad but I never have ever done like

652
00:37:01.840 --> 00:37:05.040
laying next to somebody on the first date or a second date I'm like this is

653
00:37:05.040 --> 00:37:09.920
crazy I know this is not me but um sat on his lap wow I can't believe it

654
00:37:09.920 --> 00:37:13.280
anyway I did that I was like wow this is nuts this is outside of my normal

655
00:37:13.280 --> 00:37:18.000
so outside of my normal but um anyway and then he came to my like worship

656
00:37:18.000 --> 00:37:23.200
night the next night that I lead and he um he was uh

657
00:37:23.280 --> 00:37:26.960
just like falling in love with me because he loves worship and seeing me

658
00:37:26.960 --> 00:37:31.440
in my element and seeing who I am and um as the leader we're talking about

659
00:37:31.440 --> 00:37:36.720
see how spiritual intimacy could like manifest really fast yeah really fast

660
00:37:36.720 --> 00:37:40.000
yeah and also he's just a very fast mover like he's an 88

661
00:37:40.000 --> 00:37:43.440
ADHD like just like thinks a lot over analyzing and

662
00:37:43.440 --> 00:37:47.040
and going really fast too and kind of pushing it so we had

663
00:37:47.040 --> 00:37:50.320
some time together and then also I was leaving out I was going out of town like

664
00:37:50.320 --> 00:37:53.120
in a couple days so there's kind of this pressure of like I want to spend as much

665
00:37:53.120 --> 00:37:57.760
time as I can with this person and I wasn't wise and then I even like I

666
00:37:57.760 --> 00:37:59.520
wasn't going to kiss him and then the next day

667
00:37:59.520 --> 00:38:03.760
and we ended up kissing like like literally so fast we just met

668
00:38:03.760 --> 00:38:07.840
and I don't this is so out of my normal like I kissed maybe four men in my life

669
00:38:07.840 --> 00:38:13.360
before that I think he was number five so um I'm 42 and uh

670
00:38:13.360 --> 00:38:18.320
anyway but he was like 48 like thinking about moving to Texas which where my

671
00:38:18.320 --> 00:38:20.480
parents are thinking about moving to Tyler

672
00:38:20.480 --> 00:38:23.600
which is where my parents live like crazy weird like

673
00:38:23.600 --> 00:38:27.680
he lives in a house exactly like the one on my dream board

674
00:38:27.680 --> 00:38:31.200
like specifically exactly and he's the one who told me and then like he wants

675
00:38:31.200 --> 00:38:34.960
to have kids still and he's adopted kids from Ethiopia and I've been to Ethiopia

676
00:38:34.960 --> 00:38:37.680
and it's the only place I wanted to adopt kids from in the world so far and

677
00:38:37.680 --> 00:38:42.640
I was like this like crazy list right anyway so long story short

678
00:38:42.640 --> 00:38:47.120
I go to get on the plane and um that night he kind of just

679
00:38:47.120 --> 00:38:49.200
suddenly like I was delayed for a while in writing

680
00:38:49.200 --> 00:38:52.000
and that night he kind of just suddenly backed out

681
00:38:52.000 --> 00:38:55.920
and then like we talked a little bit while I was in Texas

682
00:38:55.920 --> 00:38:59.280
he prayed me through he's a prayer warrior and like I literally

683
00:38:59.280 --> 00:39:02.400
had the best uh visit in Texas I've ever had

684
00:39:02.400 --> 00:39:07.760
so legit prayer warrior but um and with family which is rough but

685
00:39:07.760 --> 00:39:11.680
anyway so he but then I felt like halfway through

686
00:39:11.680 --> 00:39:14.560
Texas I felt a shift and I woke up in the morning Lord's like hey

687
00:39:14.560 --> 00:39:17.280
he's not for you unless he changes his mind they're like what is this about

688
00:39:17.280 --> 00:39:20.400
what happened well I get back here and he's like well

689
00:39:20.400 --> 00:39:22.960
let's just try to be friends and I'm like we've already like

690
00:39:22.960 --> 00:39:26.800
kissed like I can't be your friend like so we went out

691
00:39:26.800 --> 00:39:30.080
once and I don't know it was kind of weird and then like

692
00:39:30.080 --> 00:39:34.640
the morning of the morning of that we're start I was starting this program

693
00:39:34.640 --> 00:39:39.760
in October like we went on um a walk and he's like well I kind of went

694
00:39:39.760 --> 00:39:42.480
back to my my ex-girlfriend not his ex-wife

695
00:39:42.480 --> 00:39:46.080
his ex-girlfriend he had told me he hadn't been in contact with and wasn't

696
00:39:46.080 --> 00:39:49.760
gonna go back to he went she showed it up when I was in Texas

697
00:39:49.760 --> 00:39:54.400
and all that seduction and blah blah blah and so I'm like and he's sleeping

698
00:39:54.400 --> 00:39:56.960
with her and I'm like this is terrible anyway

699
00:39:56.960 --> 00:40:02.000
and he's a Christian who wants to be a missionary like all the things that I'm

700
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:01.980
like want, and I'm like, but why?

701
00:40:01.980 --> 00:40:02.820
So-

702
00:40:02.820 --> 00:40:05.460
Fast forward to your question about the color of my heart.

703
00:40:05.460 --> 00:40:06.300
No, no, you're fine.

704
00:40:06.300 --> 00:40:07.580
I know, I apologize.

705
00:40:07.580 --> 00:40:08.940
No, no, you're good.

706
00:40:08.940 --> 00:40:10.100
Well, anyway, he'd been saying,

707
00:40:10.100 --> 00:40:11.300
well, I still want to be your friend.

708
00:40:11.300 --> 00:40:12.860
And I was like, I can't, what?

709
00:40:12.860 --> 00:40:15.140
No, like my heart was so interested.

710
00:40:15.140 --> 00:40:16.100
You know, I wasn't in love with him,

711
00:40:16.100 --> 00:40:18.180
but I was like, this is...

712
00:40:18.180 --> 00:40:20.980
And so I was like, no, no, I really can't be,

713
00:40:20.980 --> 00:40:23.500
you know, maybe sometime in the future or whatever.

714
00:40:23.500 --> 00:40:25.300
And then we had another moment in November

715
00:40:25.300 --> 00:40:27.780
where he had like popped up and said,

716
00:40:27.780 --> 00:40:31.120
it was literally, he was asking me for,

717
00:40:31.120 --> 00:40:33.040
it was the six weeks or whatever the time is,

718
00:40:33.040 --> 00:40:35.060
their commitment on this program.

719
00:40:35.060 --> 00:40:37.680
It was exactly, almost exactly like he had broken up

720
00:40:37.680 --> 00:40:39.800
with me the day that they told us to stop.

721
00:40:39.800 --> 00:40:41.360
And then he was wanting me to go out with me

722
00:40:41.360 --> 00:40:43.000
and he didn't know about this.

723
00:40:43.000 --> 00:40:43.960
Wanted to go out with me like the day

724
00:40:43.960 --> 00:40:45.600
after I was allowed to date.

725
00:40:45.600 --> 00:40:47.720
Like literally, I mean, it was like exact timing.

726
00:40:47.720 --> 00:40:49.640
And so I'm thinking, well, maybe this is the Lord

727
00:40:49.640 --> 00:40:51.200
because I felt like he was supposed to come back.

728
00:40:51.200 --> 00:40:55.520
And anyway, and then he knee jerks again, whiplash again.

729
00:40:55.540 --> 00:40:57.980
And so like, we literally kissed goodbye that day

730
00:40:57.980 --> 00:40:59.500
like in November and I'm like,

731
00:40:59.500 --> 00:41:02.340
and now this week he's asking to be friends again

732
00:41:02.340 --> 00:41:04.140
and wanting to like talk to me.

733
00:41:04.140 --> 00:41:05.820
And I'm like, I just,

734
00:41:05.820 --> 00:41:08.740
I've been having a really hard time saying no.

735
00:41:08.740 --> 00:41:11.140
So what is, cause you,

736
00:41:11.140 --> 00:41:14.300
do you think he's mature, masculine and marriage-minded?

737
00:41:15.500 --> 00:41:17.260
I think he wants to be.

738
00:41:17.260 --> 00:41:19.060
He's no, the answer is no.

739
00:41:19.060 --> 00:41:19.900
It's not yet.

740
00:41:19.900 --> 00:41:21.220
No, he's not.

741
00:41:22.180 --> 00:41:23.860
Shannon's like, right, right, right, right.

742
00:41:23.860 --> 00:41:26.480
At this moment, at this moment, he is not.

743
00:41:26.480 --> 00:41:28.960
Not in the last three months he's been.

744
00:41:28.960 --> 00:41:29.800
No, no.

745
00:41:29.800 --> 00:41:31.000
He didn't treat you.

746
00:41:31.000 --> 00:41:31.960
Okay, cause here's the thing.

747
00:41:31.960 --> 00:41:35.120
He didn't treat you from the get-go.

748
00:41:35.120 --> 00:41:37.320
He has not treated you with,

749
00:41:37.320 --> 00:41:40.560
he did not, he has not treated you as a precious jewel.

750
00:41:40.560 --> 00:41:41.400
Like, do you know what I'm saying?

751
00:41:41.400 --> 00:41:43.200
He got really close with you.

752
00:41:43.200 --> 00:41:47.720
He hooked you in and then he pulled back to be just friends.

753
00:41:47.720 --> 00:41:50.080
Then he hooked you in and then he pulled back

754
00:41:50.080 --> 00:41:52.000
cause he went back to his ex-girlfriend

755
00:41:52.000 --> 00:41:53.680
and then he's hooked back in

756
00:41:54.500 --> 00:41:55.860
and y'all made out and he pulled back again

757
00:41:55.860 --> 00:41:57.580
and now he's trying to pull in.

758
00:41:57.580 --> 00:42:00.180
So he has already shown you three times

759
00:42:00.180 --> 00:42:03.540
that what he does is he woos and moves.

760
00:42:03.540 --> 00:42:05.540
He woos and he moves.

761
00:42:05.540 --> 00:42:09.020
And for all you know, he's doing this with the ex-girlfriend

762
00:42:09.020 --> 00:42:11.460
and he's just toggling between the two of you

763
00:42:11.460 --> 00:42:13.600
and chances are he's toggling with somebody else.

764
00:42:13.600 --> 00:42:18.600
So I'm more curious what's good about him

765
00:42:18.600 --> 00:42:21.380
that you even want to keep talking to him

766
00:42:21.380 --> 00:42:22.580
besides him being hot.

767
00:42:23.740 --> 00:42:25.340
Because this is not like,

768
00:42:25.340 --> 00:42:27.580
I'm just shooting straight with you.

769
00:42:27.580 --> 00:42:30.720
Like he is not exhibiting healthy behavior.

770
00:42:31.900 --> 00:42:34.460
Yeah, no, I mean, I know that that is not healthy.

771
00:42:34.460 --> 00:42:36.380
I'm just, I think-

772
00:42:36.380 --> 00:42:41.380
You want to hang on for who he might become?

773
00:42:42.160 --> 00:42:43.260
You're 42, Carolyn.

774
00:42:43.260 --> 00:42:46.180
Do you want to give somebody an opportunity

775
00:42:47.100 --> 00:42:48.700
for who he might become?

776
00:42:48.700 --> 00:42:50.740
Like, and what's going to change that?

777
00:42:50.740 --> 00:42:52.980
Does he do, is he in any hard work himself?

778
00:42:53.000 --> 00:42:55.600
Does he have an accountability group?

779
00:42:55.600 --> 00:42:58.560
He has something, he has quite a few things in place,

780
00:42:58.560 --> 00:42:59.400
but apparently-

781
00:42:59.400 --> 00:43:01.840
So why does he just want to be friends with you again?

782
00:43:01.840 --> 00:43:05.040
I guess that's my thing is if he was really missing you.

783
00:43:05.040 --> 00:43:07.160
I mean, it feels like he's wanting,

784
00:43:07.160 --> 00:43:10.660
well, I mean, I know that like in another world,

785
00:43:10.660 --> 00:43:12.840
we would have been great friends, fine,

786
00:43:12.840 --> 00:43:14.640
but we're not in that world.

787
00:43:14.640 --> 00:43:16.800
Right, so does he want to be friends with you

788
00:43:16.800 --> 00:43:18.040
or does he want to hook up with you?

789
00:43:18.040 --> 00:43:20.240
Does he want friends with benefits with you?

790
00:43:21.240 --> 00:43:24.060
Yeah, I mean, I think he says he just wants to be friends,

791
00:43:24.060 --> 00:43:24.900
so-

792
00:43:24.900 --> 00:43:26.100
Okay, so if he's saying to you,

793
00:43:26.100 --> 00:43:28.580
I just want to be friends

794
00:43:28.580 --> 00:43:31.020
and you are physically attracted to him,

795
00:43:32.300 --> 00:43:35.500
how is being friends good for you right now?

796
00:43:35.500 --> 00:43:37.180
Not at the moment.

797
00:43:37.180 --> 00:43:38.860
I know it's not good.

798
00:43:38.860 --> 00:43:40.980
Yeah, and here's the thing, Carolyn,

799
00:43:42.060 --> 00:43:44.780
everyone raise your hand if you date, what's his name?

800
00:43:45.660 --> 00:43:46.740
Scott.

801
00:43:46.740 --> 00:43:48.560
How many of us have dated a Scott?

802
00:43:48.620 --> 00:43:50.860
How many of us have given a Scott

803
00:43:50.860 --> 00:43:53.260
too much time and years of our life,

804
00:43:53.260 --> 00:43:55.660
hoping that he'd become the good guy?

805
00:43:55.660 --> 00:43:59.140
So we are not saying this because we have not been there.

806
00:43:59.140 --> 00:44:01.340
We are saying this because we've been there.

807
00:44:02.460 --> 00:44:05.220
And I'm probably giving you some tough love right now,

808
00:44:05.220 --> 00:44:08.260
and so maybe that was too straight shooting with you.

809
00:44:08.260 --> 00:44:09.620
So here's what I will say.

810
00:44:09.620 --> 00:44:11.740
I'm gonna really pray for you

811
00:44:11.740 --> 00:44:14.860
because I'm gonna encourage you to lean into

812
00:44:15.680 --> 00:44:19.600
what part of you is still attracted

813
00:44:19.600 --> 00:44:22.280
to want to bring him back in and what is that about?

814
00:44:22.280 --> 00:44:23.200
Do you really want,

815
00:44:23.200 --> 00:44:25.640
do you just want to be friends with him?

816
00:44:25.640 --> 00:44:27.560
Is it gonna help your journey?

817
00:44:27.560 --> 00:44:29.680
Is it gonna help you make healthy choices?

818
00:44:29.680 --> 00:44:33.080
Is it gonna help you be open to dating other men?

819
00:44:33.080 --> 00:44:35.320
Like what good is gonna come

820
00:44:35.320 --> 00:44:37.280
from you being friends with him?

821
00:44:38.100 --> 00:44:43.100
I mean, like, he's actually very helpful sometimes.

822
00:44:43.180 --> 00:44:46.460
Like whenever it was time for me to get my taxes done,

823
00:44:46.460 --> 00:44:47.620
I asked him for help

824
00:44:47.620 --> 00:44:48.820
and I was trying to be really careful

825
00:44:48.820 --> 00:44:50.380
about not talking to him.

826
00:44:50.380 --> 00:44:53.340
But I reached out to him because he was awake

827
00:44:54.340 --> 00:44:57.260
and he actually helped me figure it out

828
00:44:57.260 --> 00:44:59.060
because he's done business with me.

829
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.720
and stuff. And I didn't really have a lot of people to call on. So I think that's really good.

830
00:45:04.720 --> 00:45:08.800
You can call them, you know, they do commercials and everything. But so you gave him, you gave

831
00:45:08.800 --> 00:45:15.760
this guy financial information. Um, how much financial information did you give him if he

832
00:45:15.760 --> 00:45:24.080
helped you with your taxes? It was just like one question about a specific thing. It wasn't like,

833
00:45:24.080 --> 00:45:28.880
do you think you can be friends with him without wanting anything more and without being physically

834
00:45:28.880 --> 00:45:36.480
intimate with him? Maybe in six months, definitely not today. Okay. Um, hopefully in six months,

835
00:45:36.480 --> 00:45:41.920
you're in a marriage minded relationship. I sure hope so. Well, I guess that guy's going to want

836
00:45:41.920 --> 00:45:48.800
you hanging out with Scott. Oh yeah. No, I mean, I'm not trying to hang out with him. I just feel

837
00:45:48.800 --> 00:45:53.840
like you, I don't know. I'm asking you to ask yourself some hard questions. I feel like this

838
00:45:53.840 --> 00:46:00.720
is really good for other people to hear this because it is really easy for us to accept. Okay.

839
00:46:01.600 --> 00:46:05.360
And situationships and crumbs when there's nothing at the table.

840
00:46:06.080 --> 00:46:10.320
But I think the hard thing for me, Renee, I think the thing that's bugging me is just like,

841
00:46:10.320 --> 00:46:16.640
there's so few men who want to do missions or who want to get, have kids. And like he

842
00:46:16.640 --> 00:46:21.520
checks both those boxes. So even though, right, but he's not asking to be in a relationship with you.

843
00:46:22.160 --> 00:46:28.480
No, not right now. No, he's not. I don't want to be strung along either. He's 48 years old.

844
00:46:28.480 --> 00:46:34.560
He's 48 years old. He is balanced between you and his ex-girlfriend. And so there is nothing

845
00:46:34.560 --> 00:46:38.880
about what he's saying is saying that he wants to settle down in the next six months to a year.

846
00:46:39.760 --> 00:46:47.680
There's nothing in his behavior that has spoken to that. So, I mean, you can hang out with him.

847
00:46:47.680 --> 00:46:50.960
I mean, here's the thing, Carol, you have free will girl, and we love you no matter what,

848
00:46:50.960 --> 00:46:55.280
and we're here to cheer you on. And like, none of us are going to say, I told you so.

849
00:46:55.280 --> 00:47:00.080
None, like we're going to be hearing through it. And this is for everybody, you guys, like we can't,

850
00:47:00.080 --> 00:47:06.640
you know, we can only point towards what health is. We can only say like, if you keep doing the

851
00:47:06.640 --> 00:47:11.440
same thing you used to do in the past, then you're going to keep getting the same results. We're

852
00:47:11.440 --> 00:47:16.880
asking you to be willing to do something different. We're asking you to be willing, like, yeah, I mean,

853
00:47:16.880 --> 00:47:21.840
I could be married by now if I just married Schmo, like, or I could be in a few situationships,

854
00:47:21.840 --> 00:47:26.720
or there were some nice guys that really liked me and I could be stringing them along because,

855
00:47:26.720 --> 00:47:31.200
gosh, it's sure nice to go through the holidays with some guy to talk to. And gosh, you know,

856
00:47:31.200 --> 00:47:34.880
like there was this fireman that I talked to, you guys, I wanted to keep dating him just so

857
00:47:34.880 --> 00:47:40.160
he could fix my smoke alarm. Like, that's not nice. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like,

858
00:47:40.160 --> 00:47:45.520
it could have been a little bit nice, but I mean, and so we want to make sure we're not using people

859
00:47:46.480 --> 00:47:50.480
so to speak, to keep them in our life. Like, we don't want to hold them back and we don't

860
00:47:50.480 --> 00:47:55.840
want them to hold us back. So we don't want to string anybody along. We don't want us to be

861
00:47:55.840 --> 00:48:00.720
strung along. So I'm going to pass the baton as somebody else asked a question, but I really

862
00:48:00.720 --> 00:48:06.960
appreciate you sharing that. It was really honest. And you are probably not the only person

863
00:48:07.840 --> 00:48:13.680
in this community who's in the very same situation and wouldn't be wooing him back in.

864
00:48:13.680 --> 00:48:17.760
And I appreciate that you at least had the guts to show up here and bring it up in front of all of

865
00:48:17.760 --> 00:48:27.200
us. That was a really brave thing to do. I know God's got so much good for you. And I know what

866
00:48:27.200 --> 00:48:33.600
it's like when somebody that we have chemistry with comes a crawling back. It's really easy

867
00:48:33.600 --> 00:48:39.600
to feel like we can have just one chip, not the whole bag of chips with that person. So I'll be

868
00:48:39.600 --> 00:48:45.840
praying for you about that. And you keep us posted no matter what you'd have to tell us. If you tell

869
00:48:45.840 --> 00:48:49.680
us you're hanging out with him again, or you made out with him again, there's still no shame in that

870
00:48:49.680 --> 00:48:56.480
game. And you still have a place and a seat at this table. Hope that is helpful to you. And yeah.

871
00:48:56.480 --> 00:49:04.240
All right. Another question. That was good. Yeah. I'm so proud of you. All right. She was brave,

872
00:49:04.240 --> 00:49:11.920
you guys be brave, ask the hard stuff. We're also going to call on you. Yes, ma'am.

873
00:49:13.120 --> 00:49:18.720
So I, I initially posted this in the Facebook page and Bethany gave some advice, but then that raised

874
00:49:18.720 --> 00:49:24.560
like more questions. So, so I guess I have some follow-up to that. So I'm in one of those kind

875
00:49:24.560 --> 00:49:31.840
of long distance type situations. I met, or I started talking to someone I'm bumble right

876
00:49:31.840 --> 00:49:37.440
before new year's. I was still home with my family and my hometown for the holidays. And he

877
00:49:37.440 --> 00:49:42.240
was only like 45 minutes from them. But now that I'm home, it's like a little over three hours.

878
00:49:43.600 --> 00:49:51.760
And so we'd started talking and like had initially planned to meet in person, like within that week

879
00:49:51.760 --> 00:49:58.560
of first meeting. But then like he got sick. And so then like we rescheduled for the next weekend

880
00:49:58.560 --> 00:49:59.920
and then like a snowstorm.

881
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:07.460
storm hit his hometown. So, like, we've been talking for two weeks on the phone and have

882
00:50:07.460 --> 00:50:11.460
tried to get together twice in that two weeks, but just, you know, circumstances. So we're

883
00:50:11.460 --> 00:50:18.940
trying again this weekend. But so in the meantime, like, we're talking on the phone like almost

884
00:50:18.940 --> 00:50:26.500
every day for several hours, have not done video chat, just talking on the phone. And

885
00:50:26.500 --> 00:50:31.100
I know me and I know I've struggled with emotional boundaries in my past. And so that's

886
00:50:31.100 --> 00:50:35.660
something I'm very aware of. Well, and just know that staying on the phone is going to

887
00:50:35.660 --> 00:50:42.140
exasperate that because when you're on a video camera, you're more aware when you're verbally

888
00:50:42.140 --> 00:50:49.460
vomiting. When you're on the phone, it's just so easy to like, yeah. Well, and I will say

889
00:50:49.460 --> 00:50:56.140
like we both three hours every day, you know, a lot, right? Like by one hour and you're

890
00:50:56.140 --> 00:51:02.060
going, oh, no. And I will say we've both been very good about like, we haven't gone like

891
00:51:02.060 --> 00:51:06.340
super deep with any conversation. And I've not shared like any super personal thing.

892
00:51:06.340 --> 00:51:11.940
Okay. That's been good. But it is like the amount of time you do. And I recognize that

893
00:51:11.940 --> 00:51:15.860
have you, how do you know he is who he says he is?

894
00:51:17.180 --> 00:51:18.060
That's a good point.

895
00:51:19.820 --> 00:51:20.980
Oh, you don't know that.

896
00:51:23.460 --> 00:51:25.860
You only have the profile.

897
00:51:25.980 --> 00:51:31.980
Correct. Well, you know, he sent me, he sent me a picture of him and his mom that was taken

898
00:51:31.980 --> 00:51:39.380
at church on Christmas. But again, that could have been stolen from social media. That has

899
00:51:39.380 --> 00:51:44.580
happened. So why have you not wanted to book a video date, especially with that?

900
00:51:44.620 --> 00:51:51.660
I suggested one. And he said that the camera on his phone is broken and he has to get a new

901
00:51:51.660 --> 00:51:57.180
phone. I know, I know this sounds super shady.

902
00:52:00.340 --> 00:52:04.220
Okay, see, Carolyn, you thought I was being tough on her. We're going to now be tough on

903
00:52:04.220 --> 00:52:12.020
Shannon. Okay, Shannon. Right. Y'all. Okay. What about does he have a does he have a

904
00:52:12.020 --> 00:52:12.940
computer?

905
00:52:13.660 --> 00:52:14.420
He does.

906
00:52:16.380 --> 00:52:24.140
With you? Yeah. Can do Facebook Messenger with you or Google me? Yeah. So ladies, you have

907
00:52:24.140 --> 00:52:30.740
some choices to make. You can be brave and go like, Hey, what's his name? Tony. Tony, it

908
00:52:30.740 --> 00:52:35.380
has been so great chatting with you. I really need to do video with you. So you're going to

909
00:52:35.380 --> 00:52:40.020
have to figure something out. Either you're going to get on a computer and we're either going to

910
00:52:40.020 --> 00:52:45.980
get on zoom, Google me or Facebook Messenger. You have some options. If that's not going to

911
00:52:45.980 --> 00:52:51.660
work, then we're going to hold off on any more phone conversations until we can meet live.

912
00:52:52.660 --> 00:53:01.180
And the plan, the plan is to do that this weekend, in a public place. Okay. Um, but so I

913
00:53:01.180 --> 00:53:09.380
guess what my initial question is, despite like, those are all yes, good points. So he always

914
00:53:09.380 --> 00:53:14.660
initiates the phone calls. And so I'm trying to limit like the phone conversations, but he always

915
00:53:15.060 --> 00:53:20.300
initiates the phone calls. So I'm trying to figure out how to do that gracefully. Now that

916
00:53:20.300 --> 00:53:27.460
he's initiating, like, so do you know whenever he's calling or does he go? He just calls. So why

917
00:53:27.460 --> 00:53:34.540
do you, do you have to pick it up every time? I don't, but I feel like I'm being rude if I don't.

918
00:53:35.420 --> 00:53:39.940
And I do want to honestly, I mean, and I'll say this, I mean, here's the thing, Shannon, he here's

919
00:53:39.940 --> 00:53:44.220
my only other concern. Just because a guy doesn't want to get on the camera. It doesn't mean he's a

920
00:53:44.220 --> 00:53:49.460
cat for sure. Necessarily. Right there. However, here's what it could mean. It could mean he looks

921
00:53:49.460 --> 00:53:55.500
nothing like the photo that he's sending you. Because I got matched with somebody right before I

922
00:53:55.500 --> 00:54:00.940
left Connecticut. And he was like, oh my gosh. And I had a feeling the pictures looked old. You know,

923
00:54:00.940 --> 00:54:06.420
you can tell guys are posting older photos. I'm like, I bet you those aren't like up to date

924
00:54:06.420 --> 00:54:12.980
photos. And I knew he wasn't a catfisher because he mentioned a local church that I used to speak

925
00:54:12.980 --> 00:54:18.100
at. He's like, oh, like I'm visiting my sister in Ashland city. And I was like, oh my gosh, I have a

926
00:54:18.660 --> 00:54:23.500
sister in Ashland city. And he's like, then he said something about like, oh, I can visit him. I said

927
00:54:23.500 --> 00:54:26.700
something about like, where do you go to church? He's like, oh, I go to Donaldson Fellowship. Like

928
00:54:26.700 --> 00:54:33.100
it's not even a well known church. Like I knew what it was. And so when I got back, and then

929
00:54:33.100 --> 00:54:38.300
interestingly, he disappeared for a week. And then he came back and he said, oh, Facebook needed to

930
00:54:38.300 --> 00:54:44.180
verify him, which I should have clued in. He didn't look like his pictures anymore. Right. And so I'm

931
00:54:44.180 --> 00:54:48.540
like, okay. And I said, well, hey, since I'm still out of town for two more weeks, why don't we just

932
00:54:48.540 --> 00:54:53.380
book a video day? And he was like, no, that's too cumbersome. I'm like, I don't know. He's like, I'm

933
00:54:53.380 --> 00:54:57.700
not worth it. I go, what do you mean you're not worth a video chat? Like, he's like, well, here's

934
00:54:57.700 --> 00:55:00.060
my number. Let's talk on the phone. I said, no, I'm not

935
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:04.880
I don't talk. I said, I don't swap phone numbers. See, that's the other thing, Shannon. I don't swap

936
00:55:04.880 --> 00:55:09.440
a phone number. Here's why. You just brought up another good reason why I don't swap phone numbers

937
00:55:09.440 --> 00:55:14.880
with somebody until I do a video date. Once you swap phone numbers, you can't control how they're

938
00:55:14.880 --> 00:55:20.720
communicating with you and how often. They can just keep it texting. They can call you. And so

939
00:55:20.720 --> 00:55:25.680
they have just now invaded your phone space. So I don't care if it's a Google number or your

940
00:55:25.680 --> 00:55:30.640
regular cell phone number. Forget the safety aspect of it. They're now in control of your

941
00:55:30.640 --> 00:55:37.200
schedule by being able to call you and text you at will. Booking some video dates forces you

942
00:55:37.200 --> 00:55:44.000
to book a date. It forces some intentionality. Okay. But it's already Tuesday. When are you

943
00:55:44.000 --> 00:55:55.200
guys set to go out? Saturday. Saturday. Okay. So you did two things I would caution against.

944
00:55:55.200 --> 00:55:59.760
A, you've been having a lot of phone calls. You gave out your personal number without making sure

945
00:55:59.760 --> 00:56:08.240
he is who he says he is. And you're talking on the phone a long time. So what you could start saying

946
00:56:08.240 --> 00:56:12.800
is, hey, Tony, I've got something going on at church tonight or with my girlfriend or my sister.

947
00:56:12.800 --> 00:56:16.160
Like the second he calls, hey, I'd love to talk to you. I'm just letting you know, I've already

948
00:56:16.160 --> 00:56:20.640
booked a talk to my sister in an hour. So we're going to have to keep this call to an hour.

949
00:56:20.640 --> 00:56:25.760
Because I'm going to ask you to start practicing that this week. I'm going to ask you to exercise

950
00:56:25.760 --> 00:56:32.960
some boundaries with him because he has no boundaries. And I'm afraid if he has no boundaries

951
00:56:32.960 --> 00:56:38.480
now, once he sees you in person, he's going to have no physical boundaries with you. And you've

952
00:56:38.480 --> 00:56:44.640
not exercised any boundaries with him up until now. So he's going to think he can do that.

953
00:56:45.440 --> 00:56:51.520
So that's my homework assignment to you in the next three and a half days is try to exercise

954
00:56:51.520 --> 00:56:56.720
some boundary with him. Either don't pick up the phone, limit the phone call and see how he

955
00:56:56.720 --> 00:57:02.560
responds to some boundary. And make sure you have your phone on 360 and your girls know where you

956
00:57:02.560 --> 00:57:09.600
are and whoever. Yeah. My sister already. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Are you driving to him or is he

957
00:57:09.600 --> 00:57:16.480
driving to you? Uh, we're meeting halfway. Okay. Do you know that town at all? Yes. Okay. So you

958
00:57:16.480 --> 00:57:23.120
feel comfortable in that town? Yes. Okay. All right. Well, Shannon, I will be here next Tuesday

959
00:57:23.120 --> 00:57:28.320
night. I want an update on the day. Right. Did I, did you even get to ask your question? I mean,

960
00:57:28.320 --> 00:57:37.440
I just bombarded you. I mean, yes, basically. Yes. I'm blind. I'm just trying to protect you.

961
00:57:37.440 --> 00:57:44.320
No, that's okay. I need that. Um, yes, Margaret, sometimes the guy is self-conscious how they look,

962
00:57:44.320 --> 00:57:51.040
but here's why I don't care. I'm self-conscious about how I look, but we want mature masculine

963
00:57:51.040 --> 00:57:57.440
marriage minded men who have self-confidence. So if they're, if I will say this, Jack and Jackie

964
00:57:57.440 --> 00:58:03.360
has mentioned this. Cause the guy that I dated right before I got into the program, like Carolyn,

965
00:58:03.360 --> 00:58:07.600
he was all that in a bag of chips. Like on the first date, like I actually met him through a

966
00:58:07.600 --> 00:58:12.400
dating service. And on the first date, our date lasted three hours. It was like the heavens

967
00:58:12.400 --> 00:58:20.480
parted. He was like my guy, like checked every box. And for like three straight weeks, we talked

968
00:58:20.480 --> 00:58:26.480
every day. We had all these great dates. It was like, it was December, 2020. Guess what happened

969
00:58:26.480 --> 00:58:33.040
after three weeks of hot and heavy? Yes. Who got COVID? And it was like, he turned into a completely

970
00:58:33.040 --> 00:58:37.040
different human being. I don't even know what happened. I feel like the Lord allowed me to get,

971
00:58:37.040 --> 00:58:42.240
cause I had been, I ran a clinic. I had been exposed to COVID so much in this one particular

972
00:58:42.240 --> 00:58:46.720
week. I swear the Lord allowed me to get COVID just to put a kibosh on this relationship because

973
00:58:46.720 --> 00:58:52.080
it was moving fast and y'all, he was hot and we had lots of chemistry. And even though I was Jesus

974
00:58:52.080 --> 00:58:58.000
girl, I might've had sex with him too. So it'd be a whole different story, but he went from like

975
00:58:58.000 --> 00:59:02.240
super hot, but here's what I did notice really early in the dating Shannon. And I'm saying

976
00:59:02.240 --> 00:59:08.720
that's because Margaret brought it up. He was very self-deprecating early on. He was like the

977
00:59:08.720 --> 00:59:14.320
women before me cheated on me. You're too good with, for me at some point, you're going to leave

978
00:59:14.320 --> 00:59:20.400
me. And I just thought, Oh, he's, he's wounded. And I'm going to like help them spout the steam

979
00:59:20.400 --> 00:59:25.120
and help them feel good. And now Jackie and every therapist has said to me, when a guy does that,

980
00:59:25.120 --> 00:59:31.440
just run because we don't want to be dating men that are self-deprecating because it is almost

981
00:59:31.440 --> 00:59:36.240
like they're setting us up. They're setting us up that they're going to fail us at some point.

982
00:59:36.240 --> 00:59:40.720
They're going to behave badly. They're going to, at the end of the day, you guys, he started to

983
00:59:40.720 --> 00:59:46.320
get worse and worse and worse in his behavior, but because he was such a wounded bird, I kept giving

984
00:59:46.320 --> 00:59:51.920
him so much slack. I kept going, Oh, Oh, it's because he's wounded. It's because he's broken.

985
00:59:51.920 --> 00:59:59.200
No, if he's self-deprecating. So if he's not willing to get on the camera because he is worried

986
00:59:59.200 --> 00:59:59.920
with how he looks.

987
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:01.460
That's what the guy did with me, Margaret.

988
01:00:01.460 --> 01:00:03.360
He was like, but you're not gonna like me.

989
01:00:03.360 --> 01:00:04.660
You're not gonna think I'm cute.

990
01:00:04.660 --> 01:00:05.620
One other guy was like,

991
01:00:05.620 --> 01:00:07.620
you're not gonna like the sound of my voice

992
01:00:07.620 --> 01:00:08.500
cause I'm really Southern.

993
01:00:08.500 --> 01:00:09.740
And I was like, well, sooner or later

994
01:00:09.740 --> 01:00:11.940
I'm gonna meet you in person.

995
01:00:11.940 --> 01:00:12.980
And he was not wrong.

996
01:00:12.980 --> 01:00:14.900
We did a video date and I did not like the sound

997
01:00:14.900 --> 01:00:17.060
of his voice cause he was so redneck.

998
01:00:17.060 --> 01:00:19.660
However, I would have given him lots of chances.

999
01:00:19.660 --> 01:00:21.540
And that was not the reason why

1000
01:00:21.540 --> 01:00:23.860
we didn't end up working out at all.

1001
01:00:23.860 --> 01:00:26.880
And so I have just found, we want mature.

1002
01:00:26.880 --> 01:00:29.600
Again, it goes back to, we want mature, masculine,

1003
01:00:29.600 --> 01:00:31.460
marriage-minded, healthy men.

1004
01:00:31.460 --> 01:00:33.620
We do not want, remember how Jackie always says,

1005
01:00:33.620 --> 01:00:37.100
fixer uppers are for houses, not spouses.

1006
01:00:37.100 --> 01:00:39.940
And so define deprecating.

1007
01:00:39.940 --> 01:00:43.060
They just rag on themselves.

1008
01:00:43.060 --> 01:00:45.900
Like, and you guys, that's why we shouldn't do it.

1009
01:00:45.900 --> 01:00:47.940
Like if a guy compliments us, like,

1010
01:00:47.940 --> 01:00:49.980
and he says to us, oh my gosh, you look so cute.

1011
01:00:49.980 --> 01:00:51.380
Or your hair looks great.

1012
01:00:51.380 --> 01:00:52.580
Like you guys, we do this all the time.

1013
01:00:52.580 --> 01:00:53.620
Like our girlfriends will say,

1014
01:00:53.620 --> 01:00:54.980
oh my gosh, your hair looks great.

1015
01:00:54.980 --> 01:00:55.940
Like I just watched mine,

1016
01:00:55.940 --> 01:00:58.460
which is why it's straight right now before I want it.

1017
01:00:58.480 --> 01:01:00.880
And I'll just say, how many of you ever like had girls say,

1018
01:01:00.880 --> 01:01:02.200
oh my gosh, your hair looks amazing.

1019
01:01:02.200 --> 01:01:04.840
And you go, oh my gosh, it's filthy.

1020
01:01:04.840 --> 01:01:07.960
Like we reject the compliment.

1021
01:01:07.960 --> 01:01:10.240
Like, oh my gosh, Renee, I love that outfit.

1022
01:01:10.240 --> 01:01:11.480
Really, it's 20 years old.

1023
01:01:11.480 --> 01:01:13.100
Oh my gosh, I look so fat in it.

1024
01:01:13.100 --> 01:01:16.960
Like we take a compliment and we just crap on ourselves.

1025
01:01:16.960 --> 01:01:18.540
And so that's what guys do.

1026
01:01:18.540 --> 01:01:19.920
It's like very self-deprecating.

1027
01:01:19.920 --> 01:01:22.780
We're like, we crap on ourselves and we do it

1028
01:01:22.780 --> 01:01:24.320
so other people don't do it.

1029
01:01:24.320 --> 01:01:26.080
So they have pity on us.

1030
01:01:26.080 --> 01:01:28.040
It's just low self-esteem.

1031
01:01:28.540 --> 01:01:31.780
It's just not attractive to be on the receiving end of it.

1032
01:01:31.780 --> 01:01:33.300
And it's not attractive to do it.

1033
01:01:33.300 --> 01:01:35.340
And so do not do it yourselves.

1034
01:01:35.340 --> 01:01:38.660
If people give you compliments, thank them.

1035
01:01:38.660 --> 01:01:40.980
You just say, thank you, period.

1036
01:01:40.980 --> 01:01:42.940
You don't say, but.

1037
01:01:42.940 --> 01:01:44.060
Gosh, Renee, you look great,

1038
01:01:44.060 --> 01:01:45.900
but I still need to lose 10 pounds.

1039
01:01:45.900 --> 01:01:48.020
No, he just said I looked great.

1040
01:01:48.020 --> 01:01:49.460
So let's just stop right there.

1041
01:01:49.460 --> 01:01:51.780
Because you guys, this is how fast guys decide.

1042
01:01:51.780 --> 01:01:53.220
I always say this, people always laugh at me,

1043
01:01:53.220 --> 01:01:54.980
but I've had men tell me this is true.

1044
01:01:54.980 --> 01:01:57.860
Because women wonder why the men don't read the profile.

1045
01:01:58.520 --> 01:01:59.360
They don't, this is how fast,

1046
01:01:59.360 --> 01:02:01.280
especially now in a swiping world.

1047
01:02:01.280 --> 01:02:04.760
Hot, not hot, hot, not hot.

1048
01:02:04.760 --> 01:02:05.760
That's how fast they decide

1049
01:02:05.760 --> 01:02:07.540
whether or not they think you're cute.

1050
01:02:07.540 --> 01:02:09.160
So if he thinks you're cute,

1051
01:02:09.160 --> 01:02:11.580
he doesn't notice that your inner thighs touch

1052
01:02:11.580 --> 01:02:12.420
or not touch.

1053
01:02:12.420 --> 01:02:15.000
He doesn't notice that your arms like flab right here.

1054
01:02:15.000 --> 01:02:17.540
He don't, like he's already decided you're cute.

1055
01:02:17.540 --> 01:02:20.420
I wish men would give us more of a chance.

1056
01:02:20.420 --> 01:02:23.060
I mean, I think women give men way more of a chance

1057
01:02:23.060 --> 01:02:24.180
on looks than guys do.

1058
01:02:24.180 --> 01:02:26.660
I think they are much faster.

1059
01:02:26.660 --> 01:02:28.220
But I will say this guys,

1060
01:02:28.220 --> 01:02:30.960
it's funny because I snuck into the guys page

1061
01:02:30.960 --> 01:02:32.420
to find out what they said about women.

1062
01:02:32.420 --> 01:02:33.380
Do you want to know what the men said

1063
01:02:33.380 --> 01:02:35.580
they noticed about women first and foremost?

1064
01:02:35.580 --> 01:02:38.860
Their smile and their eyes, smile and eyes.

1065
01:02:38.860 --> 01:02:41.060
They are looking for women who look happy.

1066
01:02:41.060 --> 01:02:44.300
So they don't want women who are self-deprecating either.

1067
01:02:44.300 --> 01:02:46.340
So it's very unattractive on both sides.

1068
01:02:46.340 --> 01:02:47.980
Smile with your eyes, you know.

1069
01:02:47.980 --> 01:02:49.100
What's her name?

1070
01:02:49.100 --> 01:02:51.360
Tyra Banks.

1071
01:02:51.360 --> 01:02:53.940
She always says smize, smize with your eyes.

1072
01:02:53.940 --> 01:02:55.880
It's a smile with your eyes.

1073
01:02:55.880 --> 01:02:59.000
And so smile with your eyes and smile with your mouth

1074
01:02:59.000 --> 01:02:59.840
all the time.

1075
01:02:59.840 --> 01:03:02.040
And guys will think that you're cute.

1076
01:03:02.040 --> 01:03:02.880
And there you go.

1077
01:03:02.880 --> 01:03:05.240
Okay, so Margaret, you said you came in late.

1078
01:03:05.240 --> 01:03:06.960
Make sure you watch this in replay

1079
01:03:06.960 --> 01:03:09.720
because I gave a really good teaching the first 30 minutes.

1080
01:03:09.720 --> 01:03:12.760
And now we're just open for conversations.

1081
01:03:12.760 --> 01:03:16.760
And I had Nicole, Carolyn and Shannon in the hot seat

1082
01:03:16.760 --> 01:03:19.920
and I'm going to let them gracefully get off the hot seat.

1083
01:03:19.920 --> 01:03:23.680
Now for somebody else, it is already the top of the hour

1084
01:03:23.680 --> 01:03:25.520
but I don't want to not miss any questions.

1085
01:03:26.160 --> 01:03:27.240
Are there any other questions?

1086
01:03:27.240 --> 01:03:28.920
Because this is fun tonight.

1087
01:03:28.920 --> 01:03:30.520
Whew, this is so fun.

1088
01:03:30.520 --> 01:03:31.360
Y'all are honest.

1089
01:03:31.360 --> 01:03:32.180
I love it.

1090
01:03:35.520 --> 01:03:38.320
Questions, questions.

1091
01:03:38.320 --> 01:03:39.160
The rest of you all.

1092
01:03:39.160 --> 01:03:39.980
I have a question.

1093
01:03:39.980 --> 01:03:40.820
Yes, ma'am.

1094
01:03:40.820 --> 01:03:41.640
Go for it.

1095
01:03:41.640 --> 01:03:42.480
Okay.

1096
01:03:42.480 --> 01:03:43.360
My name is Jennifer.

1097
01:03:43.360 --> 01:03:44.920
I'm turning on my video.

1098
01:03:44.920 --> 01:03:45.760
Okay, hi.

1099
01:03:45.760 --> 01:03:48.360
Jennifer, have you been hiding in the background?

1100
01:03:48.360 --> 01:03:49.520
I have been hiding.

1101
01:03:49.520 --> 01:03:52.280
Yes, I've been trying to do some work at the same time.

1102
01:03:53.280 --> 01:03:57.000
But I actually resonated with the story of,

1103
01:03:57.880 --> 01:03:59.280
I'm so sorry, I have COVID brain fog.

1104
01:03:59.280 --> 01:04:01.240
So I have a really bad recall memory.

1105
01:04:02.920 --> 01:04:03.760
Carolyn.

1106
01:04:03.760 --> 01:04:05.800
The first, the one who went on the boat.

1107
01:04:05.800 --> 01:04:06.800
Oh, that's Carolyn.

1108
01:04:06.800 --> 01:04:07.640
See?

1109
01:04:07.640 --> 01:04:09.320
Carolyn, with Carolyn.

1110
01:04:09.320 --> 01:04:10.760
We knew she was not alone.

1111
01:04:10.760 --> 01:04:11.600
We knew it.

1112
01:04:11.600 --> 01:04:13.880
Yeah, Carolyn, you're not alone.

1113
01:04:13.880 --> 01:04:18.880
So it's tough because I met him right

1114
01:04:19.240 --> 01:04:20.880
before I started the program.

1115
01:04:20.880 --> 01:04:23.080
And Jackie just gave me some really good advice.

1116
01:04:23.080 --> 01:04:25.480
Like, you shouldn't, you know,

1117
01:04:27.080 --> 01:04:29.640
he's love bombing you.

1118
01:04:29.640 --> 01:04:33.440
You shouldn't like be with him and, you know.

1119
01:04:33.440 --> 01:04:36.160
And so I tried, but,

1120
01:04:39.480 --> 01:04:42.240
you know, I'm lonely and I'm old.

1121
01:04:43.240 --> 01:04:45.680
And there is a connection, but it's like a,

1122
01:04:45.680 --> 01:04:48.200
it's not the spirit, it's the soul.

1123
01:04:48.200 --> 01:04:50.520
And so it was exactly what you said.

1124
01:04:51.160 --> 01:04:54.640
It was really just a lot of attraction in the beginning,

1125
01:04:54.640 --> 01:04:57.320
but he wouldn't listen to my boundaries.

1126
01:04:57.320 --> 01:04:58.480
Yeah.

1127
01:04:58.480 --> 01:04:59.720
And so the thing is.

1128
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:04.560
like basically you know I had to stand up for my boundaries and I was standing up for my

1129
01:05:04.560 --> 01:05:11.280
boundaries and he'd be like fine. He wouldn't listen and then he would like kind of do this

1130
01:05:11.280 --> 01:05:15.920
are you are you going to go out with me or not and just kind of like put me at like this you know.

1131
01:05:18.240 --> 01:05:20.960
I just kind of would feel trapped and so then I would say

1132
01:05:21.840 --> 01:05:28.560
no like now it's like no like I hung out with him yesterday. Even though deep down inside I know I

1133
01:05:28.560 --> 01:05:33.840
don't want to be with him it's just yesterday was MLK and you know you have the day off and

1134
01:05:34.480 --> 01:05:40.880
I don't have anything to do and so it was fun but it's like the same thing happens like we make out

1135
01:05:40.880 --> 01:05:47.440
and and then at the end he's like are you going to go out with me and so basically I told him

1136
01:05:47.440 --> 01:05:52.320
that I was going to start dating because I was in phase two and he got so mad but we had like

1137
01:05:52.960 --> 01:05:58.320
we had already like broken up and everything so it's just kind of like we've broken up I think

1138
01:05:58.320 --> 01:06:06.080
at least like three or four times and we met like our on our first date on 11 on November 18th and

1139
01:06:06.080 --> 01:06:14.400
so it's really hard to even though everybody's right to cut it off like everybody's like this

1140
01:06:14.400 --> 01:06:21.840
is toxic he's dangerous and it's really hard and it's really hard and y'all like you're an LFMFT.

1141
01:06:24.000 --> 01:06:27.280
Here's what I'm saying it happens to the best of us do you know I'm saying like you're like

1142
01:06:27.280 --> 01:06:33.120
I've got a degree I should be like I would kick my client's butts if they were pulling this I get

1143
01:06:33.120 --> 01:06:38.960
it and so I will tell you so do you know Marilyn Murray I just got trained in the Marilyn Murray

1144
01:06:38.960 --> 01:06:44.080
method she's like 86 years old she's like she does the trauma egg like she's world renowned in her

1145
01:06:45.520 --> 01:06:48.960
but she's a straight if you think Jackie's a straight shooter and I'm a straight shooter

1146
01:06:48.960 --> 01:06:54.320
she's even bigger straight shooter and so she was kind of we were doing these role playing

1147
01:06:54.320 --> 01:07:01.920
and they're all therapists in the room and she said you cannot give care to your clients

1148
01:07:02.640 --> 01:07:09.760
to the level that you're not willing to give care to yourself and so for all of us that was like

1149
01:07:11.840 --> 01:07:19.440
like if I'm not willing to walk the talk out in my life and I ran a clinic for 20 years and I

1150
01:07:19.440 --> 01:07:23.840
would give all this advice to clients and it's like if I'm not willing they're like but Renee

1151
01:07:23.840 --> 01:07:30.160
it's so hard to be abstinent I know sex feels really good if it's done right like I know

1152
01:07:31.840 --> 01:07:38.240
I'm not willing to walk it out myself then I was just a hypocrite trying to move them towards

1153
01:07:38.240 --> 01:07:44.240
health and so I'm assuming you want your clients to choose health and you want you so that means

1154
01:07:44.240 --> 01:07:50.480
you need to practice choosing health and Jennifer girl it is hard like I've had the Scots whatever

1155
01:07:50.480 --> 01:07:58.080
your guy's name is he was my David we all have had that guy that they have a hook in us and it's

1156
01:07:58.080 --> 01:08:05.440
like y'all it's like a drug and it feels good and we rationalize the poo out of it like oh but I'm

1157
01:08:05.440 --> 01:08:13.520
lonely and oh we're just going to meet in public and oh we're just friends and so you know some of

1158
01:08:13.520 --> 01:08:18.960
us on this call wish they could still have a glass of wine but they have proven they can't drink

1159
01:08:18.960 --> 01:08:25.760
alcohol ever again the rest of their life and so you know these guys that have that hook on us

1160
01:08:26.479 --> 01:08:33.120
they have shown that we can't drink that drink like they are not good for us and here's all I

1161
01:08:33.120 --> 01:08:39.600
can tell you you guys is I know what it's like to feel intoxicated by those guys but I also know

1162
01:08:39.600 --> 01:08:45.920
what it's like to have that shit hangover feeling the next day when you when you have the shame and

1163
01:08:45.920 --> 01:08:50.880
I would argue the shame you feel the next day the disappointment in yourself and the next day

1164
01:08:50.880 --> 01:08:56.160
what's going to start to happen is the more you hang out with that guy the bigger the shame and

1165
01:08:56.160 --> 01:09:00.720
disappointment is going to get so the enjoyment you get out of that person is going to start to

1166
01:09:00.720 --> 01:09:07.040
diminish and your disappointment in yourself is going to start to grow and I I say that from

1167
01:09:07.040 --> 01:09:12.000
decades of experience of doing the hard thing because I wish I could tell you I got in this

1168
01:09:12.000 --> 01:09:16.319
program with Jackie and I stopped talking to David completely I want to say I talked to him

1169
01:09:16.319 --> 01:09:24.399
easily another six months easily so I'm not saying it was really easy for me to to cut the cord but

1170
01:09:24.399 --> 01:09:31.120
the best thing I ever did was cut the cord and that's what I can tell you has changed and shifted

1171
01:09:31.120 --> 01:09:36.479
for me is I have no I don't even have toxic girlfriends in my life I don't have toxic

1172
01:09:36.560 --> 01:09:42.319
contract I don't have toxic boyfriends I've had to say goodbye to literally my best friend of 15

1173
01:09:42.319 --> 01:09:49.600
years because she was my toxic unhealthy relationship and she had a hook on me that

1174
01:09:49.600 --> 01:09:53.920
was determining my value and stuff and when I started setting healthy boundaries with her

1175
01:09:54.560 --> 01:09:59.920
it no longer worked and it has devastated me to lose that best

1176
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:07.200
friend, devastated me, but it is not healthy for me. And so she is not healthy for me. So she can

1177
01:10:07.200 --> 01:10:12.640
be an acquaintance on the side, but she can't be in my inner circle. This guy, the Scots,

1178
01:10:12.640 --> 01:10:17.200
the whoever's they are, they can be out there, they can be nice. So here's the thing, Jennifer,

1179
01:10:17.200 --> 01:10:23.040
you have free will, you know it, just like Carolyn, you can choose to get a temporary fix

1180
01:10:24.000 --> 01:10:32.080
on, or the visual is God has a banquet for you and we're eating the crumbs on the floor.

1181
01:10:34.240 --> 01:10:40.080
And I know we think if we're eating the crumbs, we're like, we're only eating the crumbs until

1182
01:10:40.080 --> 01:10:44.560
we can see the banquet. But the problem is if we're on the ground eating the crumbs,

1183
01:10:44.560 --> 01:10:51.680
we're going to miss the banquet. Yeah. I'm just going to miss it. And I will say this too,

1184
01:10:52.400 --> 01:10:58.240
it is, it feels way better to be alone. Do I have lonely moments? You bet. But it feels way

1185
01:10:58.240 --> 01:11:06.080
better in my knower and in my heart and in my soul to be alone than to do that toggle. So.

1186
01:11:07.280 --> 01:11:12.800
Okay. So, so the tough, the tough, the tough thing is, is that he actually,

1187
01:11:14.080 --> 01:11:18.320
he means that when he says I'm his, I'm the one like he wants, he would marry me.

1188
01:11:19.280 --> 01:11:23.680
And the other tough thing. So why does Jackie say he's love bombing you? Why does Jackie say,

1189
01:11:23.680 --> 01:11:30.800
why do they say he's bad for you? Well, he did it on the first date. So when I talked to her,

1190
01:11:30.800 --> 01:11:41.040
it was after the first date. I'm sorry. I would make a terrible poker player.

1191
01:11:43.600 --> 01:11:47.520
But the man knows what he wants. He hasn't changed that stance at all.

1192
01:11:47.520 --> 01:11:54.160
And how long? Okay. So that was 11. So besides him telling you he loved you on the first date,

1193
01:11:54.160 --> 01:12:00.160
what is the other reason why they think he's toxic? Um, cause I would set boundaries and

1194
01:12:00.160 --> 01:12:04.240
he wouldn't listen. And then he threw a temper tantrum because I wouldn't have sex with him.

1195
01:12:07.040 --> 01:12:12.320
Okay. So he is not so, okay. So maybe he wants to marry you,

1196
01:12:13.200 --> 01:12:19.920
but he has already proven. So Margaret asked what love bombing is. Love bombing is when someone,

1197
01:12:19.920 --> 01:12:25.040
typically, when someone bombs you with, I love you, you're amazing, you're fabulous,

1198
01:12:25.040 --> 01:12:31.840
before they've had any chance to get to know you. A lot of times unhealthy narcissistic people,

1199
01:12:32.560 --> 01:12:39.280
well, narcissistic filled people tend to love bomb because they like the energy of sucking you in.

1200
01:12:39.840 --> 01:12:44.720
But then once they have you, they will get, they will find some way to get out of it and

1201
01:12:44.720 --> 01:12:49.120
they will easily ghost you. The reason why Jennifer has been able to keep this guy

1202
01:12:49.120 --> 01:12:54.400
all into her is because she's not completely given herself to him. She has displayed boundaries. So

1203
01:12:54.400 --> 01:13:00.320
the reason why he's still on the hunt after her is because she's actually displayed some boundaries.

1204
01:13:00.320 --> 01:13:05.760
If she gave into his boundaries, I promise you within a month, he'd be dropping her or

1205
01:13:05.920 --> 01:13:09.920
he'd be dropping her or he'd start treating her like crap. Here's what they usually do.

1206
01:13:09.920 --> 01:13:15.520
They start treating you like crap, hoping you'll dump them so they don't have to dump you. And then

1207
01:13:15.520 --> 01:13:21.040
they kind of go do it on the next thing. But if you're like us and you kind of take it and take

1208
01:13:21.040 --> 01:13:26.800
it and take it, then they have to just start ghosting you because they don't know how to get

1209
01:13:26.800 --> 01:13:33.360
rid of you. So that's why he's staying hooked. So, okay. So we already know he has tantrums.

1210
01:13:33.360 --> 01:13:37.440
We already know that he has boundary issues. So, you know, he's not good for you. You know,

1211
01:13:37.440 --> 01:13:42.560
he's not a mature, masculine, marriage-minded, godly man, because nothing in that is any of

1212
01:13:42.560 --> 01:13:49.280
those things. So you just have to decide, girl, if that's what you want. I mean, I'm cheering you on.

1213
01:13:49.280 --> 01:13:54.640
And so your homework between now and next week is to not talk to him. Shannon is going to give

1214
01:13:54.640 --> 01:13:58.480
us an update. Carolyn's going to give us an update and you're going to give us an update.

1215
01:13:58.480 --> 01:14:02.240
And I will tell you, like I said to Carolyn, if you talk to him and make out with him between now

1216
01:14:02.240 --> 01:14:07.200
and next week, we will not shame you. We will hug you and we will not say I told you so. We're just

1217
01:14:07.200 --> 01:14:12.000
going to be here to support you. Okay. Sandra, you had your hand up, I think, or is it Mandy? One of

1218
01:14:12.000 --> 01:14:16.240
you two. Mark here, somebody had their hand up. Oh, I did. I had put it down. I just wanted...

1219
01:14:17.520 --> 01:14:25.600
So I have a date on Thursday and it was somebody I dated in 18. So I've met him a few times.

1220
01:14:25.600 --> 01:14:33.680
It didn't go anywhere. And so it's the only thing, I mean, there's a thing I remember,

1221
01:14:33.680 --> 01:14:41.600
like he was a bit handsy, you know, like 47. Okay. So he might've changed in 30 years. Yeah.

1222
01:14:42.240 --> 01:14:50.000
Well, no, that was, well, 18. So six years, it's been six years. He was 18? Oh, I'm sorry. No,

1223
01:14:50.000 --> 01:14:59.840
in 2018, I dated him. And he was a bit like, he's my age. He's 47. So that's been six years.

1224
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:05.920
Yeah, so I've grown a ton, so I'm like, and we haven't, basically he's like, when am I

1225
01:15:05.920 --> 01:15:06.920
going to see you?

1226
01:15:06.920 --> 01:15:07.920
And I'm like, I already met this guy.

1227
01:15:07.920 --> 01:15:08.920
I like enjoyed him.

1228
01:15:08.920 --> 01:15:09.920
So I was like, yeah.

1229
01:15:09.920 --> 01:15:11.920
And then we're going to meet on Thursday.

1230
01:15:11.920 --> 01:15:15.760
Are you doing a nice public date?

1231
01:15:15.760 --> 01:15:16.760
Yeah.

1232
01:15:16.760 --> 01:15:18.360
What you doing?

1233
01:15:18.360 --> 01:15:20.720
Well, he's going to get back to me.

1234
01:15:20.720 --> 01:15:24.320
I said, well, let me know.

1235
01:15:24.320 --> 01:15:26.160
He was asking me what I wanted to do.

1236
01:15:26.160 --> 01:15:27.160
And I put it back.

1237
01:15:27.160 --> 01:15:31.520
And I'm like, well, I'll head, we'll meet halfway.

1238
01:15:31.520 --> 01:15:33.960
I don't remember what I said, but anyways, he was supposed to come back to me.

1239
01:15:33.960 --> 01:15:37.600
How do you know it's a public date if you don't know what the date is yet?

1240
01:15:37.600 --> 01:15:41.920
Well, it's going to be, well, because I'm only going to be in public.

1241
01:15:41.920 --> 01:15:48.040
Why don't you offer to do something that's not like sexual, like in that you might look

1242
01:15:48.040 --> 01:15:49.040
a little dorky.

1243
01:15:49.040 --> 01:15:52.000
And why don't you like say, hey, let's go ax throwing.

1244
01:15:52.000 --> 01:15:53.820
Let's go to an escape room.

1245
01:15:53.820 --> 01:15:54.820
Let's go bowling.

1246
01:15:54.980 --> 01:16:00.220
Like, why don't you pick something fun to do that's in the book?

1247
01:16:00.220 --> 01:16:01.220
Okay.

1248
01:16:01.220 --> 01:16:02.220
Yeah.

1249
01:16:02.220 --> 01:16:09.380
So like, well, I'm, I'm just, so I'm just thinking if, you know, he could be handsy,

1250
01:16:09.380 --> 01:16:12.460
that's all you know about his past.

1251
01:16:12.460 --> 01:16:15.420
You would want some control in what that date looks like.

1252
01:16:15.420 --> 01:16:19.900
So you don't want to roll around and he just says, well, let's just go to dinner, which

1253
01:16:19.900 --> 01:16:21.100
is not a bad thing to do.

1254
01:16:21.100 --> 01:16:22.580
If you said, let's just go to dinner.

1255
01:16:22.580 --> 01:16:23.580
That's fine.

1256
01:16:23.580 --> 01:16:30.580
Um, but maybe pick dinner that has a place to throw darts afterwards or pay pool or something

1257
01:16:30.580 --> 01:16:31.580
like that.

1258
01:16:31.580 --> 01:16:32.580
Oh, we did.

1259
01:16:32.580 --> 01:16:33.580
We did play pool.

1260
01:16:33.580 --> 01:16:34.580
Yeah.

1261
01:16:34.580 --> 01:16:35.580
Okay.

1262
01:16:35.580 --> 01:16:36.580
So where did you get, so where did you get handsy?

1263
01:16:36.580 --> 01:16:41.580
I'm just trying to make sure you're safe.

1264
01:16:41.580 --> 01:16:42.580
No, I know.

1265
01:16:42.580 --> 01:16:45.580
I'm glad I'm not on the hot seat anymore.

1266
01:16:45.580 --> 01:16:46.580
Okay.

1267
01:16:46.580 --> 01:16:48.460
So, I mean, this is, I wouldn't let this happen.

1268
01:16:48.460 --> 01:16:49.460
I don't think I would again.

1269
01:16:49.820 --> 01:16:50.820
This is going on a long time.

1270
01:16:50.820 --> 01:16:51.820
You guys.

1271
01:16:51.820 --> 01:16:52.820
I'm sorry if you have to go.

1272
01:16:52.820 --> 01:16:53.820
We're not.

1273
01:16:53.820 --> 01:16:56.540
He walked me to the, well, no, we went outside.

1274
01:16:56.540 --> 01:17:02.820
I met him at, um, it was a bar and grill and that we did pool and is he a believer?

1275
01:17:02.820 --> 01:17:03.820
Yeah.

1276
01:17:03.820 --> 01:17:04.820
Okay.

1277
01:17:04.820 --> 01:17:05.820
Not that that means anything.

1278
01:17:05.820 --> 01:17:06.820
Okay.

1279
01:17:06.820 --> 01:17:07.820
So he's a believer.

1280
01:17:07.820 --> 01:17:12.300
And what made you guys stop seeing each other?

1281
01:17:12.300 --> 01:17:18.980
You know, I don't, he wasn't, I don't think he was, you know, he didn't really explain.

1282
01:17:18.980 --> 01:17:19.980
Did he stop?

1283
01:17:19.980 --> 01:17:20.980
Did he stop?

1284
01:17:20.980 --> 01:17:21.980
Yeah.

1285
01:17:21.980 --> 01:17:22.980
He stopped seeing me.

1286
01:17:22.980 --> 01:17:23.980
Yeah.

1287
01:17:23.980 --> 01:17:24.980
So what made him swing?

1288
01:17:24.980 --> 01:17:25.980
So what made him swing back around?

1289
01:17:25.980 --> 01:17:27.220
How did he swing back around?

1290
01:17:27.220 --> 01:17:28.220
I don't know.

1291
01:17:28.220 --> 01:17:30.060
It found me on, uh, found each other on hinge.

1292
01:17:30.060 --> 01:17:31.340
I mean, we had met up.

1293
01:17:31.340 --> 01:17:33.540
Oh, so you guys got matched up on hinge.

1294
01:17:33.540 --> 01:17:34.540
Yeah.

1295
01:17:34.540 --> 01:17:35.540
Yeah.

1296
01:17:35.540 --> 01:17:36.540
So he came back around.

1297
01:17:36.540 --> 01:17:37.540
Yeah.

1298
01:17:37.540 --> 01:17:38.540
Yeah.

1299
01:17:38.540 --> 01:17:39.540
Yeah.

1300
01:17:39.540 --> 01:17:40.540
I understand.

1301
01:17:40.540 --> 01:17:41.540
But, and you're planning on dating.

1302
01:17:41.540 --> 01:17:42.540
Okay.

1303
01:17:42.540 --> 01:17:43.540
So that makes more sense.

1304
01:17:43.540 --> 01:17:44.540
You guys kind of dated.

1305
01:17:44.540 --> 01:17:45.540
So you haven't done any conversations.

1306
01:17:45.540 --> 01:17:47.500
So you don't know where he's at in his life right now.

1307
01:17:47.500 --> 01:17:48.500
What's going on?

1308
01:17:49.020 --> 01:17:50.020
Do you feel like right now would be different?

1309
01:17:50.020 --> 01:17:51.020
No, I don't.

1310
01:17:51.020 --> 01:17:54.540
I, and I didn't want to know that before the date.

1311
01:17:54.540 --> 01:17:56.100
Well that's what I'm asking.

1312
01:17:56.100 --> 01:17:57.100
Should I like call?

1313
01:17:57.100 --> 01:17:59.100
Have you had a phone call with him?

1314
01:17:59.100 --> 01:18:00.100
No.

1315
01:18:00.100 --> 01:18:01.100
No.

1316
01:18:01.100 --> 01:18:02.100
Uh-uh.

1317
01:18:02.100 --> 01:18:03.860
Because should I, well, cause I'd known him before.

1318
01:18:03.860 --> 01:18:04.860
We texted.

1319
01:18:04.860 --> 01:18:08.180
I know, but you have no idea what's happened in his life in the last six weeks.

1320
01:18:08.180 --> 01:18:09.180
Okay.

1321
01:18:09.180 --> 01:18:12.220
So I should ask him, Hey, you want to have a phone call tomorrow or something?

1322
01:18:12.220 --> 01:18:17.920
I mean, I will say this, you guys, I don't like to walk into dates unprepared now.

1323
01:18:17.920 --> 01:18:22.780
I don't want to have like, I want to walk into a date feeling like, and I'm so tired

1324
01:18:22.780 --> 01:18:25.640
of the hostess knowing that I'm on a first date with a guy.

1325
01:18:25.640 --> 01:18:26.640
Do you know what I'm saying?

1326
01:18:26.640 --> 01:18:31.280
So I like it to not look like that and how I not make it look like that is I try to rule

1327
01:18:31.280 --> 01:18:33.760
some stuff out and I didn't do that last week.

1328
01:18:33.760 --> 01:18:36.120
I went out on a coffee date with a guy that I met.

1329
01:18:36.120 --> 01:18:38.840
We got matched up on hinge while I was in Connecticut.

1330
01:18:38.840 --> 01:18:40.200
He was visiting family in New York.

1331
01:18:40.200 --> 01:18:45.720
We both are in Nashville and I, I, I, you know, I'm like, like the date went so bad

1332
01:18:45.720 --> 01:18:48.360
that I'm like, Renee, this is why you're supposed to talk to a guy on the phone before

1333
01:18:48.360 --> 01:18:49.360
you're going on a date.

1334
01:18:49.360 --> 01:18:53.840
Cause I basically found out he was like, all I asked is, do you have a faith community?

1335
01:18:53.840 --> 01:18:57.360
And you might as well, I might as well thrown poison on him and the sound of God coming

1336
01:18:57.360 --> 01:18:58.360
out of my mouth.

1337
01:18:58.360 --> 01:18:59.720
He like repelled that.

1338
01:18:59.720 --> 01:19:02.960
And I'm just laughing and he went in this whole big tirade and I'm like, he doesn't

1339
01:19:02.960 --> 01:19:05.320
even know yet that I go to seminary school.

1340
01:19:05.320 --> 01:19:07.360
So that's going to be really the deal breaker.

1341
01:19:07.360 --> 01:19:12.680
Once he found out he couldn't get out of the red thing, he couldn't get out of the coffee

1342
01:19:12.680 --> 01:19:14.000
shop fast enough.

1343
01:19:14.000 --> 01:19:16.120
It was like, I just watched it.

1344
01:19:16.120 --> 01:19:17.560
I mean, I was laughing by that time.

1345
01:19:17.560 --> 01:19:23.320
I didn't want to date him, but I'll let you say, Sandra, I think it's okay if you're like,

1346
01:19:23.320 --> 01:19:24.320
Hey, you know what?

1347
01:19:24.320 --> 01:19:26.640
I just realized we haven't talked to each other in six years.

1348
01:19:26.640 --> 01:19:28.200
Let's just hop on the phone and catch up.

1349
01:19:28.200 --> 01:19:29.600
Cause you already know what he looks like.

1350
01:19:29.600 --> 01:19:34.400
So it's like, but you can just say, Hey, so tell me what's been going on in the last six

1351
01:19:34.400 --> 01:19:35.480
years.

1352
01:19:35.480 --> 01:19:37.180
You know, what have you been up to?

1353
01:19:37.180 --> 01:19:38.760
What things are important to you these days?

1354
01:19:38.760 --> 01:19:40.240
Where are you at in your dating life?

1355
01:19:40.240 --> 01:19:41.560
I always like to ask that question.

1356
01:19:41.560 --> 01:19:43.040
So like, what's going on?

1357
01:19:43.040 --> 01:19:44.240
Where are you at in your dating life?

1358
01:19:44.240 --> 01:19:45.640
And just say, I'm just curious.

1359
01:19:45.640 --> 01:19:48.720
And you can even just say, Hey, you know, I'm just really curious.

1360
01:19:48.720 --> 01:19:54.380
Like I know it was fun to kind of bump into you on hinge, but like what, what would be

1361
01:19:54.380 --> 01:19:55.880
different this time around?

1362
01:19:55.880 --> 01:19:58.120
What would be different this time around?

1363
01:19:58.120 --> 01:20:00.080
Like, wouldn't you want to know some of that before?

1364
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:03.480
for the first day, how far do you have to drive?

1365
01:20:04.440 --> 01:20:05.920
Oh, like 20 minutes.

1366
01:20:05.920 --> 01:20:07.000
Oh, okay.

1367
01:20:07.000 --> 01:20:08.920
I like you said, Narena, okay.

1368
01:20:08.920 --> 01:20:11.160
Yeah, I would want to know all of that,

1369
01:20:11.160 --> 01:20:12.660
but you don't have to,

1370
01:20:12.660 --> 01:20:14.220
but I would want to know that ahead of time

1371
01:20:14.220 --> 01:20:15.960
because I'm just learning,

1372
01:20:15.960 --> 01:20:18.060
sometimes it's better to walk in the date

1373
01:20:18.060 --> 01:20:19.400
be a little prepared.

1374
01:20:20.600 --> 01:20:23.020
Yeah, yeah, no, it makes sense.

1375
01:20:23.020 --> 01:20:24.360
I'm just tossing that out there,

1376
01:20:24.360 --> 01:20:26.620
but we also want an update next week too.

1377
01:20:27.560 --> 01:20:28.880
And we want to make sure

1378
01:20:28.880 --> 01:20:30.640
if he's walking you back to the car,

1379
01:20:30.640 --> 01:20:31.960
that it's not low lit,

1380
01:20:31.960 --> 01:20:33.800
cause then he's going to like try to swoop in

1381
01:20:33.800 --> 01:20:36.320
for some by the car.

1382
01:20:40.040 --> 01:20:42.320
And I don't know if you had boundaries the last time.

1383
01:20:42.320 --> 01:20:45.600
So if he's handsy and you didn't have boundaries,

1384
01:20:45.600 --> 01:20:47.160
then it's going to be harder this time

1385
01:20:47.160 --> 01:20:48.960
because he might be trying to pick up

1386
01:20:48.960 --> 01:20:50.180
where y'all left off.

1387
01:20:51.080 --> 01:20:52.560
Yeah, yeah.

1388
01:20:52.560 --> 01:20:53.960
So just be prepared for that.

1389
01:20:53.960 --> 01:20:55.520
You're a big girl, you can handle yourself,

1390
01:20:55.520 --> 01:20:56.360
just be prepared for that.

1391
01:20:56.680 --> 01:20:59.040
When he goes into swoop, you just give the side hug.

1392
01:20:59.040 --> 01:21:02.440
You know, you can slap, put your arm around and wait,

1393
01:21:02.440 --> 01:21:04.320
kind of give some distance.

1394
01:21:04.320 --> 01:21:05.560
Yeah.

1395
01:21:05.560 --> 01:21:07.520
Guys, this was so much fun.

1396
01:21:07.520 --> 01:21:09.680
I was really tired and I didn't have,

1397
01:21:09.680 --> 01:21:11.200
I think I was going to have energy for y'all tonight,

1398
01:21:11.200 --> 01:21:13.040
but y'all were fun and honest.

1399
01:21:13.040 --> 01:21:16.560
And I hope you took no offense to what I was saying.

1400
01:21:16.560 --> 01:21:17.640
I'm there with you.

1401
01:21:17.640 --> 01:21:19.360
I totally understand.

1402
01:21:19.360 --> 01:21:20.800
This is not easy.

1403
01:21:20.800 --> 01:21:22.640
I wish it were easier.

1404
01:21:22.640 --> 01:21:25.880
We all have more wounds, more triggers.

1405
01:21:26.400 --> 01:21:27.760
The enemy knows our tactic, you guys.

1406
01:21:27.760 --> 01:21:29.520
God wants his very best for us,

1407
01:21:29.520 --> 01:21:31.840
but the enemy knows how to give us our Ishmaels.

1408
01:21:31.840 --> 01:21:34.000
Like we have been dating our Ishmaels.

1409
01:21:34.000 --> 01:21:35.560
We want our Isaac.

1410
01:21:35.560 --> 01:21:38.320
But sometimes Ishmael's looking really hot

1411
01:21:38.320 --> 01:21:39.640
and he's looking pretty tempting

1412
01:21:39.640 --> 01:21:41.800
and he's looking like a pretty good something

1413
01:21:41.800 --> 01:21:43.580
until, you know, Isaac shows up.

1414
01:21:43.580 --> 01:21:46.760
Because Isaac has lost the directions in the map

1415
01:21:46.760 --> 01:21:48.600
and he's too chicken to ask for direction.

1416
01:21:48.600 --> 01:21:49.840
So he's lost somewhere.

1417
01:21:49.840 --> 01:21:51.440
We wonder where he is.

1418
01:21:51.440 --> 01:21:54.200
And so Ishmael's on the scene and he asked for directions

1419
01:21:54.200 --> 01:21:55.240
and he got to us faster.

1420
01:21:55.280 --> 01:21:57.920
But it doesn't mean we should be giving him too much time.

1421
01:21:57.920 --> 01:22:00.160
All right, ladies, anybody else jumping in?

1422
01:22:00.160 --> 01:22:03.280
I don't want to stop anybody who had an urgent question.

1423
01:22:03.280 --> 01:22:05.480
Hopefully everybody got something out of tonight.

1424
01:22:05.480 --> 01:22:07.520
Y'all get, even if you didn't ask a question,

1425
01:22:07.520 --> 01:22:09.120
do you feel like y'all got something good?

1426
01:22:09.120 --> 01:22:11.760
I hope it, for all these people hiding in the back,

1427
01:22:11.760 --> 01:22:13.560
we don't know what you're thinking.

1428
01:22:13.560 --> 01:22:15.080
Even Cindy, Cindy, you feel good?

1429
01:22:15.080 --> 01:22:16.280
I didn't get to talk to you tonight.

1430
01:22:16.280 --> 01:22:19.720
She's like, there's no way I'm gonna ask you a question, man.

1431
01:22:19.720 --> 01:22:21.800
I think Margaret had a question.

1432
01:22:21.800 --> 01:22:22.800
I did.

1433
01:22:23.040 --> 01:22:25.280
Oh, Margaret, I'm sorry.

1434
01:22:25.280 --> 01:22:26.840
Oh, go ahead, Margaret.

1435
01:22:29.040 --> 01:22:30.120
Margaret's like, no way,

1436
01:22:30.120 --> 01:22:32.240
I'm not asking that chick a question.

1437
01:22:34.320 --> 01:22:38.120
I didn't even get to see what happened beforehand.

1438
01:22:38.120 --> 01:22:40.720
Yeah, I didn't even get to see what happened before.

1439
01:22:41.800 --> 01:22:43.120
I have no idea.

1440
01:22:43.120 --> 01:22:43.960
You're good, girl.

1441
01:22:43.960 --> 01:22:46.720
Okay, so I've gone on a date with a guy

1442
01:22:46.720 --> 01:22:49.560
and we've hit it off

1443
01:22:49.560 --> 01:22:54.560
and I'm realizing that he's not,

1444
01:22:55.080 --> 01:22:57.280
okay, let me put this without,

1445
01:22:57.280 --> 01:22:58.480
this is a little scary.

1446
01:22:59.880 --> 01:23:00.720
It's okay.

1447
01:23:00.720 --> 01:23:05.720
So he's a believer, but he's kind of like not.

1448
01:23:08.880 --> 01:23:12.720
He like has, he has some struggles

1449
01:23:12.720 --> 01:23:15.120
because of some things that have happened in his life.

1450
01:23:15.120 --> 01:23:19.200
So I feel like we might have possibly trauma bonded maybe,

1451
01:23:20.160 --> 01:23:23.960
cause he basically kind of vomited his life out

1452
01:23:23.960 --> 01:23:27.120
on our first date, but he's a friend of a friend.

1453
01:23:27.120 --> 01:23:30.520
So I trusted her judgment because,

1454
01:23:30.520 --> 01:23:34.040
so anyway, we met on Facebook dating.

1455
01:23:34.040 --> 01:23:36.520
Anyway, he's actually a really great guy,

1456
01:23:36.520 --> 01:23:40.920
but his wife committed suicide in 2008.

1457
01:23:40.920 --> 01:23:42.040
I saw your story.

1458
01:23:42.040 --> 01:23:43.280
I saw your story.

1459
01:23:44.600 --> 01:23:47.160
So I appreciate everything.

1460
01:23:47.160 --> 01:23:48.360
Yeah.

1461
01:23:48.360 --> 01:23:51.120
What do, what do I, what do I,

1462
01:23:52.800 --> 01:23:53.880
how do I,

1463
01:23:56.520 --> 01:23:57.640
how do I rein it back in?

1464
01:23:57.640 --> 01:24:00.280
I mean, once that's kind of like all out there,

1465
01:24:00.280 --> 01:24:03.000
I don't, I don't actually feel like,

1466
01:24:03.000 --> 01:24:04.680
I don't feel like I've,

1467
01:24:05.760 --> 01:24:07.840
I'm like, oh, you know, I want to help him.

1468
01:24:07.840 --> 01:24:08.880
You know, I don't feel like that.

1469
01:24:08.880 --> 01:24:10.440
I don't feel like that's going on.

1470
01:24:10.440 --> 01:24:11.320
That's a great question.

1471
01:24:11.320 --> 01:24:12.960
Cause somebody asked a very, very,

1472
01:24:12.960 --> 01:24:15.600
someone had a very similar situation at the noon one.

1473
01:24:15.600 --> 01:24:17.680
And so here's, when you find out something,

1474
01:24:17.680 --> 01:24:19.920
when you trauma bond, even if you don't mean to,

1475
01:24:19.920 --> 01:24:22.040
it just happens to the best of us.

1476
01:24:22.040 --> 01:24:24.360
So when you find out information, you're like, wow,

1477
01:24:24.360 --> 01:24:26.000
I didn't realize that we were just going to share

1478
01:24:26.000 --> 01:24:26.880
all that information.

1479
01:24:26.880 --> 01:24:30.000
It is really okay for us to reset the boundary.

1480
01:24:30.000 --> 01:24:31.800
So if you are out, have you guys,

1481
01:24:31.800 --> 01:24:35.200
have you guys gone out and do you have another date planned?

1482
01:24:35.200 --> 01:24:36.040
Not yet.

1483
01:24:36.040 --> 01:24:39.080
We have a tentative one to go to the movies,

1484
01:24:39.080 --> 01:24:41.200
but it hasn't happened yet because of the weather.

1485
01:24:41.200 --> 01:24:43.040
Okay. So here's all we have to do

1486
01:24:43.040 --> 01:24:47.200
when we accidentally step into a very intimate story.

1487
01:24:47.200 --> 01:24:50.160
We can just say to them, the next time we talk to them,

1488
01:24:50.160 --> 01:24:51.560
and I'm just going to say his name is Dave,

1489
01:24:51.560 --> 01:24:53.040
just to make it simple.

1490
01:24:53.040 --> 01:24:54.280
Dave, you know, I know you shared

1491
01:24:54.280 --> 01:24:55.600
that really vulnerable thing,

1492
01:24:55.600 --> 01:24:57.840
and I'm honored that you felt like you can trust me

1493
01:24:57.840 --> 01:24:59.360
with that information.

1494
01:24:59.360 --> 01:25:00.200
But.

1495
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:02.240
Be truthful at this stage of the game.

1496
01:25:02.240 --> 01:25:06.000
I'd really love for us to not talk about such deep stuff

1497
01:25:06.000 --> 01:25:08.060
while we're just getting to know each other.

1498
01:25:08.060 --> 01:25:11.560
If it ends up being that we see each other longer,

1499
01:25:11.560 --> 01:25:14.060
there will be a time and a space that's appropriate

1500
01:25:14.060 --> 01:25:16.560
for us to unpack that more

1501
01:25:16.560 --> 01:25:19.320
and give it the honor that it's due.

1502
01:25:19.320 --> 01:25:20.960
So that's how I do that.

1503
01:25:20.960 --> 01:25:22.760
Thank you for sharing that with me.

1504
01:25:22.760 --> 01:25:25.080
I really appreciate that you trusted me,

1505
01:25:25.080 --> 01:25:27.440
but I'm realizing that's way too heavy and deep

1506
01:25:27.440 --> 01:25:30.300
for us to be talking about this early on.

1507
01:25:30.300 --> 01:25:32.880
I'd like to continue to just get to know you.

1508
01:25:32.880 --> 01:25:35.440
If you don't mind, can we kind of put that over here?

1509
01:25:35.440 --> 01:25:37.940
And if we continue to see each other,

1510
01:25:37.940 --> 01:25:40.480
we'll be able to talk about it when it's more appropriate

1511
01:25:40.480 --> 01:25:42.800
so I give it its honor.

1512
01:25:42.800 --> 01:25:46.600
That's how you pack away something that's really sensitive

1513
01:25:46.600 --> 01:25:48.840
that somebody has said to you

1514
01:25:48.840 --> 01:25:51.560
without like pretending like you didn't know,

1515
01:25:51.560 --> 01:25:53.800
but it also stops you from having to go there

1516
01:25:53.800 --> 01:25:55.920
because you're also setting a boundary

1517
01:25:55.920 --> 01:25:57.880
that that content's too heavy.

1518
01:25:57.880 --> 01:26:00.920
Remember I talked about intellectual and emotional intimacy.

1519
01:26:00.920 --> 01:26:03.560
Margaret, you came on late, so you missed that,

1520
01:26:03.560 --> 01:26:05.320
but you'll get that later.

1521
01:26:05.320 --> 01:26:09.520
Like that's an example of intellectual intimacy

1522
01:26:09.520 --> 01:26:12.920
is that when you walk through somebody about their trauma,

1523
01:26:12.920 --> 01:26:14.840
and it can turn into emotional intimacy,

1524
01:26:14.840 --> 01:26:17.800
but it's connected to this trauma

1525
01:26:17.800 --> 01:26:21.160
and that's not how you want to connect with somebody.

1526
01:26:21.160 --> 01:26:23.640
Okay, okay.

1527
01:26:23.640 --> 01:26:24.520
So that's how I do it.

1528
01:26:24.520 --> 01:26:25.920
So that's how you can do it.

1529
01:26:25.920 --> 01:26:27.680
You have to just say it.

1530
01:26:27.680 --> 01:26:28.520
You just have to say it.

1531
01:26:28.520 --> 01:26:30.160
Sometimes you guys, it's really hard,

1532
01:26:30.160 --> 01:26:32.600
but sometimes we just need to say the hard thing.

1533
01:26:32.600 --> 01:26:34.520
Sandra, that's my comment to you too.

1534
01:26:34.520 --> 01:26:35.480
You can say to this guy,

1535
01:26:35.480 --> 01:26:37.920
like I'm really looking forward to our date,

1536
01:26:37.920 --> 01:26:40.320
but I need to be really clear upfront.

1537
01:26:40.320 --> 01:26:41.720
Like I had a date with you guys.

1538
01:26:41.720 --> 01:26:43.360
I had a date, I was supposed to date this guy

1539
01:26:43.360 --> 01:26:46.080
that I got set up with with my nephew.

1540
01:26:46.080 --> 01:26:48.240
And we were talking, we were getting along really well.

1541
01:26:48.240 --> 01:26:49.680
And at some point I found out

1542
01:26:49.680 --> 01:26:51.840
that he was not just not divorced yet,

1543
01:26:51.840 --> 01:26:53.560
they hadn't even filed yet.

1544
01:26:53.560 --> 01:26:55.480
And so I was coming back home to Connecticut

1545
01:26:55.480 --> 01:26:56.400
and he was going to pick me up.

1546
01:26:56.400 --> 01:26:57.440
And I just said, hey, look,

1547
01:26:57.440 --> 01:26:59.840
I'm just going to be really honest with you.

1548
01:26:59.840 --> 01:27:01.560
I'm really excited to get to meet you,

1549
01:27:01.560 --> 01:27:04.360
but until you file and start this divorce,

1550
01:27:04.360 --> 01:27:07.600
like I can't, like we're only going to be friends.

1551
01:27:08.600 --> 01:27:11.320
And then he was like, oh, no problem, no problem.

1552
01:27:11.320 --> 01:27:12.640
And then suddenly he ghosted me.

1553
01:27:12.640 --> 01:27:14.080
And like a week later, he's like, yeah,

1554
01:27:14.080 --> 01:27:15.480
I think the distance is too great.

1555
01:27:15.480 --> 01:27:17.760
I'm like, oh, so it had nothing to do with the fact

1556
01:27:17.760 --> 01:27:18.720
that you were still married

1557
01:27:18.720 --> 01:27:21.240
and I wouldn't be romantic with you.

1558
01:27:21.240 --> 01:27:22.080
Okay.

1559
01:27:23.080 --> 01:27:25.360
But you guys like, it's okay.

1560
01:27:25.360 --> 01:27:27.720
Be honest, make your intentions known,

1561
01:27:28.640 --> 01:27:29.840
ask for what you need.

1562
01:27:29.840 --> 01:27:31.040
Guys can't read your mind.

1563
01:27:31.040 --> 01:27:33.640
So don't be blunt, but like, if it's appropriate.

1564
01:27:33.640 --> 01:27:35.320
Now, Sandra dated this guy.

1565
01:27:35.320 --> 01:27:36.800
They hung out, they made out,

1566
01:27:36.800 --> 01:27:38.000
like he was a little handsy.

1567
01:27:38.000 --> 01:27:39.520
She could just be like, hey, you know,

1568
01:27:39.520 --> 01:27:40.800
it's been a number of years.

1569
01:27:40.800 --> 01:27:41.840
So I just want to make sure

1570
01:27:41.840 --> 01:27:42.960
if we're going to go out on this date,

1571
01:27:42.960 --> 01:27:44.480
we're going to start fresh.

1572
01:27:44.480 --> 01:27:46.040
Like it's our first date

1573
01:27:46.040 --> 01:27:48.160
and we're going to treat it like a first date

1574
01:27:48.160 --> 01:27:50.440
because I'm sure you've changed, I changed.

1575
01:27:50.440 --> 01:27:52.600
So that's how I want to start the date,

1576
01:27:52.600 --> 01:27:53.920
just light and airy.

1577
01:27:53.920 --> 01:27:55.240
So that's how you can say,

1578
01:27:55.240 --> 01:27:57.480
as opposed to saying, I don't want you to grab me.

1579
01:27:57.480 --> 01:27:58.320
You know what I mean?

1580
01:27:58.320 --> 01:28:01.840
Like you can find a more subtle way to say that.

1581
01:28:02.840 --> 01:28:03.680
Maria.

1582
01:28:06.400 --> 01:28:07.960
Hi.

1583
01:28:07.960 --> 01:28:11.480
So listen, I'm also one of those therapists too.

1584
01:28:13.600 --> 01:28:15.280
I think we're all on here.

1585
01:28:15.280 --> 01:28:17.720
So now this was very interesting for me

1586
01:28:17.720 --> 01:28:20.480
because you're not supposed to like

1587
01:28:20.480 --> 01:28:21.680
talk about any of these things,

1588
01:28:21.680 --> 01:28:22.920
but this is what I live for.

1589
01:28:22.920 --> 01:28:25.840
I live to hear about all of these things, right?

1590
01:28:25.840 --> 01:28:27.720
That's what all I do all day long.

1591
01:28:27.720 --> 01:28:30.360
So like, what are you supposed to connect around

1592
01:28:30.360 --> 01:28:32.800
if you're not talking about like-

1593
01:28:32.800 --> 01:28:34.200
The deep stuff.

1594
01:28:34.200 --> 01:28:35.240
Maria, I get it.

1595
01:28:35.240 --> 01:28:37.520
Were you here since the beginning of the call?

1596
01:28:39.320 --> 01:28:40.160
Did you hear-

1597
01:28:40.160 --> 01:28:41.240
On and off, on and off.

1598
01:28:41.240 --> 01:28:42.200
No, no, it's okay.

1599
01:28:42.200 --> 01:28:44.120
So A, you might want to play that back,

1600
01:28:44.120 --> 01:28:45.320
but I so get it.

1601
01:28:45.320 --> 01:28:46.680
Because I think what I admitted to you

1602
01:28:46.680 --> 01:28:49.400
at the very front of the show tonight

1603
01:28:49.400 --> 01:28:52.280
is that, you know, I've been in ministry for 30 years

1604
01:28:52.280 --> 01:28:54.440
and my best gift is getting people

1605
01:28:54.440 --> 01:28:56.720
to tell me their story really fast.

1606
01:28:56.720 --> 01:28:58.400
It works great in ministry- Me too.

1607
01:28:58.400 --> 01:28:59.720
It doesn't work great in dating

1608
01:28:59.720 --> 01:29:02.200
because then we end up becoming their caretaker

1609
01:29:02.200 --> 01:29:03.560
instead of nurturer.

1610
01:29:03.560 --> 01:29:05.920
So if you're like me,

1611
01:29:05.920 --> 01:29:07.360
let me go get this, hold on.

1612
01:29:07.360 --> 01:29:08.720
I'm gonna get this for you.

1613
01:29:11.880 --> 01:29:15.320
If you like to have deep conversation,

1614
01:29:15.360 --> 01:29:17.600
but you don't want to know their trauma,

1615
01:29:17.600 --> 01:29:18.600
get your hand.

1616
01:29:18.600 --> 01:29:22.840
I got this like literally at a tag sale.

1617
01:29:22.840 --> 01:29:25.400
It is conversation table topics,

1618
01:29:25.400 --> 01:29:27.240
but find something like this.

1619
01:29:27.240 --> 01:29:30.720
This has the most random questions.

1620
01:29:30.720 --> 01:29:33.560
So I will ask some of these on dates.

1621
01:29:36.640 --> 01:29:38.920
What would you rather see?

1622
01:29:38.920 --> 01:29:42.160
The Rose Bowl Parade, Macy's Thanksgiving Parade,

1623
01:29:42.160 --> 01:29:44.080
or Mardi Gras?

1624
01:29:44.120 --> 01:29:46.120
If you had to lose one of your senses,

1625
01:29:46.120 --> 01:29:47.400
which would you pick?

1626
01:29:48.480 --> 01:29:52.000
What would you like to learn how to do on your computer?

1627
01:29:52.000 --> 01:29:55.560
Which person in your family do you most resemblance?

1628
01:29:55.560 --> 01:29:56.760
If you had to move,

1629
01:29:56.760 --> 01:29:58.800
what would you miss most about your home?

1630
01:29:58.800 --> 01:29:59.920
Like these are fun.

1631
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:05.440
of questions, right? These are not just, where do you live? Where do you go to work? What's your

1632
01:30:05.440 --> 01:30:11.520
favorite color? Like, come up with, like, if you had to pick what was your favorite subject in

1633
01:30:11.520 --> 01:30:17.360
school? What was your worst subject in school? Why? If they were going to make a movie about you,

1634
01:30:17.360 --> 01:30:23.440
who would play you? Would it be a drama? Would it be a comedy? If you were going to a potluck,

1635
01:30:23.440 --> 01:30:29.280
what would be your go-to item? So, like, you literally start to come up with, what is this

1636
01:30:30.000 --> 01:30:40.080
called? Conversation Table Topics Starters. I think it used to be at Restoration Hardware,

1637
01:30:40.080 --> 01:30:45.040
but I got it at Tag Self for, like, five bucks. So, I'm just saying you're going to have to be

1638
01:30:45.040 --> 01:30:51.120
really creative at coming up with what I would consider fun, thoughtful questions,

1639
01:30:51.120 --> 01:30:55.200
but they're not like, so tell me about your trauma bond and your dad wounds and your mom,

1640
01:30:55.200 --> 01:31:00.400
you can do what I'm saying. Yeah, I mean, because, like, I've had days where people,

1641
01:31:00.400 --> 01:31:04.880
like, you know, I talked to a guy one time on the phone and he just started crying,

1642
01:31:05.440 --> 01:31:10.400
talking to me. And, you know, and it was fine, but, you know, I'm used to that. So,

1643
01:31:10.400 --> 01:31:15.360
but I guess I didn't realize that that's wrong. Well, it's not that it's wrong. It's just going

1644
01:31:15.360 --> 01:31:20.960
to set you up to be the therapist and them to be the patient. And then either one of two things

1645
01:31:20.960 --> 01:31:25.040
is going to happen. He's either going to get healthy and then be embarrassed that he told

1646
01:31:25.040 --> 01:31:29.440
you all that stuff and he behaved that way with you, or he's going to stay unhealthy and he's just

1647
01:31:29.440 --> 01:31:33.040
going to have you continue to care take him. And then you're going to get bored with him.

1648
01:31:33.040 --> 01:31:37.520
So Maria, here's how you can handle it too. And it's what I've had to do. I have to have a lot

1649
01:31:37.520 --> 01:31:43.520
more fun dates now. I can't just be doing the sit and listening dates. It's why also I have to limit

1650
01:31:43.520 --> 01:31:48.720
the phone calls too, because otherwise I just can't help it. Like there's something in our

1651
01:31:48.720 --> 01:31:53.840
energy and it just causes them to just share. And so that's where you're going to want to pick

1652
01:31:53.840 --> 01:31:58.880
fun dates to like, go hiking, pick a, get a coffee. And instead of just sitting at the coffee

1653
01:31:58.880 --> 01:32:04.160
shop, go walk through town. You go ax throwing. He's not going to cry while you're ax throwing

1654
01:32:04.160 --> 01:32:09.680
or playing pool. Like, so try to pick fun activities. It's also going to help you to

1655
01:32:09.680 --> 01:32:16.560
get out of your therapist role. And I would say I have to go like, okay, what's in me that's still

1656
01:32:16.560 --> 01:32:20.400
drawing that out? Because it makes me feel good. It makes you feel good. Like that's,

1657
01:32:20.400 --> 01:32:26.080
but the problem is if we're sitting in that seat too much, then that's how we're fading.

1658
01:32:26.080 --> 01:32:30.080
And then that's how we start to one up them. And then like, I don't know about you, but I've

1659
01:32:30.080 --> 01:32:34.320
actually broken up with guys because they've shared way too much information too soon. And I'm

1660
01:32:34.320 --> 01:32:38.880
like, we don't have enough deposit for you to tell me all this trauma. Now I've just lost all my

1661
01:32:38.880 --> 01:32:43.360
respect for you, but I could have been part of the problem because I allowed that to happen.

1662
01:32:43.360 --> 01:32:50.960
I created space. Okay. And I know like there's this one guy y'all we dated like a year and a

1663
01:32:50.960 --> 01:32:54.880
half ago. He still likes everything of mine on Facebook. And I know he would like a second

1664
01:32:54.880 --> 01:33:00.320
chance, but he, you know, he, he just told me way too much, way too soon. And I'm like, uh,

1665
01:33:00.880 --> 01:33:05.680
like, uh, I do not want to manage you. Like I'm going to be me. I'm going to be your mother. And

1666
01:33:05.680 --> 01:33:09.680
I'm not want to do that. Now, if he was a really strong man, he'd be coming after me and be like,

1667
01:33:09.680 --> 01:33:13.760
Hey, so Renee, I've been noticing your Facebook a year later. You look still single. I'm going to

1668
01:33:13.760 --> 01:33:17.360
be bold. I've got my poo together. Like I don't need to be my therapist anymore. I'm ready to

1669
01:33:17.360 --> 01:33:22.240
date you. That would impress me. And I'd be like, all right, okay. I'd give him a chance,

1670
01:33:22.240 --> 01:33:26.480
but he's just lurking lurkers. Don't yeah. Anyway, I hope that helps Maria. I feel you.

1671
01:33:27.040 --> 01:33:32.720
I get it. Try to do fun things. Try to find fun, creative, silly questions. Like if you had a

1672
01:33:32.720 --> 01:33:37.840
superpower, what would it be? Because for you and I, those are still deep questions, but they're

1673
01:33:37.840 --> 01:33:44.160
easier. There's they're like softball deep. They're not like deep, you know? Okay. We can

1674
01:33:44.160 --> 01:33:52.800
go deep really fast. Yeah. Like instantly. Okay. I know. I know some of that's our trauma too.

1675
01:33:52.800 --> 01:34:00.080
Some of it is like, if we need to go, it's, um, it's false intimacy for those that need to go

1676
01:34:00.080 --> 01:34:06.880
deep really fast. Um, that is also us like trying to fill that void too. Like we,

1677
01:34:06.880 --> 01:34:11.760
we shouldn't want to go that they get a 12 step meeting. It's appropriate, but anywhere else,

1678
01:34:11.760 --> 01:34:16.160
it's not appropriate to go that deep, that quickly. That speaks to some of our own trauma

1679
01:34:16.160 --> 01:34:23.520
in the past too, that we need to attach really fast to people. Okay. It's going to be Jackie's

1680
01:34:23.520 --> 01:34:29.280
going to be doing a teaching on attachment style. Um, if you guys are not in phase three yet, it'll,

1681
01:34:29.280 --> 01:34:35.760
it'll be saved in the portal. So as soon as you get to stage three, uh, phase three, be sure Maria

1682
01:34:35.760 --> 01:34:39.920
in all of you to watch her attachment style training. Cause I think that's going to really

1683
01:34:39.920 --> 01:34:44.800
resonate with some of us that attach really fast with people. Okay. Well, this was very helpful.

1684
01:34:44.800 --> 01:34:49.760
Thank you. You bet you bet you guys. All right. This was eight 30, whatever time it is for y'all,

1685
01:34:49.760 --> 01:34:53.280
but we're going to have to close. I'm just waiting for Bethany to come back on and tell me, like,

1686
01:34:53.280 --> 01:34:57.200
stop talking. So I'm going to close this out in prayer. I'm going to give you a reason to come

1687
01:34:57.200 --> 01:34:59.840
back next week. Father God, thank you so much. I love that.

1688
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:02.120
the humor, you're in the honesty.

1689
01:35:02.120 --> 01:35:03.920
I just ask for your hedge of protection

1690
01:35:03.920 --> 01:35:05.880
over each single woman on here.

1691
01:35:05.880 --> 01:35:09.760
For those of us that need you to be strong and firm in love,

1692
01:35:09.760 --> 01:35:12.160
and Father God, if there's anybody in our life

1693
01:35:12.160 --> 01:35:14.080
that is not good and for us,

1694
01:35:14.080 --> 01:35:16.440
if we are having a hard time saying no,

1695
01:35:16.440 --> 01:35:19.120
Father God, if you can't move that mountain,

1696
01:35:19.120 --> 01:35:22.280
if you can't move us, move the mountain, one or the other.

1697
01:35:22.280 --> 01:35:24.360
So if there are men that need to leave us

1698
01:35:24.360 --> 01:35:26.000
and we're not strong enough to get rid of them,

1699
01:35:26.000 --> 01:35:27.600
you get rid of them for us.

1700
01:35:27.600 --> 01:35:29.160
So I just ask for a hedge of protection

1701
01:35:29.200 --> 01:35:30.240
over every single person.

1702
01:35:30.240 --> 01:35:31.680
I ask for happy, healthy, holy,

1703
01:35:31.680 --> 01:35:33.640
amazing dates coming up for them.

1704
01:35:33.640 --> 01:35:35.040
And until we can see each other again,

1705
01:35:35.040 --> 01:35:36.520
in Jesus' name, amen.

1706
01:35:36.520 --> 01:35:38.720
All right, you guys, this was so much fun.

1707
01:35:38.720 --> 01:35:41.640
I look forward to hearing all about it next week.