WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.080 You're hardwired for connection. 2 00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:06.500 Brene Brown says that every person is hardwired 3 00:00:06.500 --> 00:00:07.340 for connection. 4 00:00:07.340 --> 00:00:08.640 I really agree with that. 5 00:00:08.640 --> 00:00:12.440 That we long for connection in our life. 6 00:00:12.440 --> 00:00:15.700 It's interesting, even when they do studies on mice 7 00:00:15.700 --> 00:00:19.500 and do studies on laboratory animals, 8 00:00:19.500 --> 00:00:22.800 even animals are hardwired for connection with each other. 9 00:00:22.800 --> 00:00:32.400 I'm an elk and deer hunter, but especially with elk 10 00:00:32.400 --> 00:00:36.360 high up in the mountains, you're hunting herds of elk. 11 00:00:36.360 --> 00:00:38.160 And usually when you hear coyotes, 12 00:00:38.160 --> 00:00:41.000 it's a group of coyotes. 13 00:00:41.000 --> 00:00:45.280 When you see a den of foxes, it's a group of foxes in a den. 14 00:00:45.280 --> 00:00:47.280 So we're made for connection. 15 00:00:47.280 --> 00:00:50.680 I think the main way that connection happens is in family. 16 00:00:50.680 --> 00:00:52.880 God put everyone in a family. 17 00:00:52.880 --> 00:00:56.600 And in God's design, there's a father and there's a mother. 18 00:00:56.600 --> 00:01:00.640 And then there's children and there's a close-knit family. 19 00:01:00.640 --> 00:01:03.400 And that's because we're wired for connection. 20 00:01:03.400 --> 00:01:06.960 It's why orphans and those who didn't have a family 21 00:01:06.960 --> 00:01:09.920 struggle so much, is because they never had the intimacy 22 00:01:09.920 --> 00:01:12.600 of a family because their wiring got crossed. 23 00:01:12.600 --> 00:01:15.360 They don't have that connection in their life anymore. 24 00:01:15.360 --> 00:01:16.960 And we need that. 25 00:01:16.960 --> 00:01:18.000 We all need that. 26 00:01:18.080 --> 00:01:22.000 If you talk to anyone who's been through a divorce 27 00:01:22.000 --> 00:01:23.800 and you ask them, what's the hardest thing you've ever 28 00:01:23.800 --> 00:01:26.480 been through, I promise you nine out of 10 29 00:01:26.480 --> 00:01:28.360 will say we're going through a divorce. 30 00:01:28.360 --> 00:01:31.360 Because here was someone that you were connected to, 31 00:01:31.360 --> 00:01:34.280 that something happened in the relationship 32 00:01:34.280 --> 00:01:35.440 and it was broken. 33 00:01:35.440 --> 00:01:37.080 Maybe there was a betrayal. 34 00:01:37.080 --> 00:01:38.360 Maybe there was a sickness. 35 00:01:38.360 --> 00:01:39.680 I mean, who knows? 36 00:01:39.680 --> 00:01:42.320 Every divorce has its own story. 37 00:01:42.320 --> 00:01:43.880 But you got disconnected. 38 00:01:43.880 --> 00:01:47.000 And with that disconnection, it broke trust 39 00:01:47.000 --> 00:01:48.360 and it broke a relationship. 40 00:01:48.360 --> 00:01:50.880 Because we're wired for connection. 41 00:01:50.880 --> 00:01:53.680 And so I want to talk about today why, 42 00:01:53.680 --> 00:01:57.920 four reasons why this way of God of love 43 00:01:57.920 --> 00:02:00.200 in relationships is so healthy. 44 00:02:00.200 --> 00:02:03.880 And why EQ, developing your EQ, 45 00:02:03.880 --> 00:02:07.000 developing your emotional intelligence 46 00:02:07.000 --> 00:02:10.120 can make you the happiest person on the face of the earth. 47 00:02:10.120 --> 00:02:12.320 Or if you don't develop your EQ, 48 00:02:12.320 --> 00:02:14.360 you could be one of the most depressed people 49 00:02:14.360 --> 00:02:15.360 on the face of the earth. 50 00:02:15.360 --> 00:02:18.720 I want to read from the Bible, 1 John 4, 7. 51 00:02:18.720 --> 00:02:20.280 1 John 4, 7 reads, 52 00:02:20.280 --> 00:02:22.080 Beloved, let us love one another, 53 00:02:22.080 --> 00:02:23.920 for love is of God. 54 00:02:23.920 --> 00:02:27.280 And everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. 55 00:02:27.280 --> 00:02:31.480 He who does not love does not know God, 56 00:02:31.480 --> 00:02:32.920 for God is love. 57 00:02:32.920 --> 00:02:36.320 In this, the love of God was manifested toward us 58 00:02:36.320 --> 00:02:39.560 that God has sent his only begotten son into the world 59 00:02:39.560 --> 00:02:41.480 that we might live through him. 60 00:02:41.480 --> 00:02:45.200 In this is love, not that we love God, 61 00:02:46.040 --> 00:02:48.600 but that he loved us and sent his son 62 00:02:48.600 --> 00:02:51.400 to be the propitiation for our sins. 63 00:02:51.400 --> 00:02:54.000 Beloved, if God so loved us, 64 00:02:54.000 --> 00:02:56.720 we also ought to love one another. 65 00:02:56.720 --> 00:02:58.440 So when I speak of EQ, 66 00:02:58.440 --> 00:03:02.240 I'm talking about a God who gave you EQ. 67 00:03:02.240 --> 00:03:03.600 Your EQ comes from him, 68 00:03:03.600 --> 00:03:06.440 and the greatest commandment in all the Bible 69 00:03:06.440 --> 00:03:08.320 is to love the Lord your God 70 00:03:08.320 --> 00:03:10.600 with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength, 71 00:03:10.600 --> 00:03:12.320 and your neighbor as yourself. 72 00:03:12.320 --> 00:03:16.960 So God designed even the great kingdom mandate 73 00:03:16.960 --> 00:03:20.080 of loving him with all of our heart, soul, 74 00:03:20.080 --> 00:03:22.880 mind, and strength to not stop just there 75 00:03:22.880 --> 00:03:24.680 in a vertical love relationship, 76 00:03:24.680 --> 00:03:27.640 but also in a horizontal love relationship 77 00:03:27.640 --> 00:03:28.480 with other people. 78 00:03:28.480 --> 00:03:33.400 So the greatest sign, the greatest symbol 79 00:03:33.400 --> 00:03:35.440 that you love God with all your heart 80 00:03:35.440 --> 00:03:37.040 is that you love others. 81 00:03:37.040 --> 00:03:38.960 So whenever you see someone who calls himself 82 00:03:38.960 --> 00:03:42.440 a Jesus disciple, a Jesus follower, a Christian, 83 00:03:42.440 --> 00:03:44.720 but they have no love for others, 84 00:03:44.720 --> 00:03:46.120 then that means there's a problem 85 00:03:46.120 --> 00:03:47.320 even with their vertical love. 86 00:03:47.320 --> 00:03:49.280 You can't love God without loving others 87 00:03:49.280 --> 00:03:53.080 because God made you with that kind of connection point, 88 00:03:53.080 --> 00:03:54.800 that wiring in you. 89 00:03:54.800 --> 00:03:57.880 PsychCareMD writes, 90 00:03:57.880 --> 00:04:02.080 neuroscience suggests that we are neurological wired 91 00:04:02.080 --> 00:04:03.960 to connect with others. 92 00:04:03.960 --> 00:04:07.160 Mirror neurons in our brains are stimulated 93 00:04:07.200 --> 00:04:09.720 when we're interacting with other people. 94 00:04:09.720 --> 00:04:12.400 Literally, when you are talking to someone, 95 00:04:12.400 --> 00:04:15.640 pathways in your brain light up 96 00:04:15.640 --> 00:04:18.040 to mirror the emotions and behaviors 97 00:04:18.040 --> 00:04:21.000 that this other person is conveying. 98 00:04:21.000 --> 00:04:24.040 We are hardwired to interact and connect with others. 99 00:04:24.040 --> 00:04:27.640 In other words, when you get around a positive person, 100 00:04:27.640 --> 00:04:29.240 a person who's smiling a lot, 101 00:04:29.240 --> 00:04:31.160 a person who's pretty joyful, 102 00:04:31.160 --> 00:04:34.600 your neurons, you have mirror neurons in your brain 103 00:04:34.640 --> 00:04:37.720 that start to mirror that into you. 104 00:04:37.720 --> 00:04:39.560 So you become more joyful. 105 00:04:39.560 --> 00:04:41.160 You start smiling more. 106 00:04:41.160 --> 00:04:44.720 By virtue also of that relationship, 107 00:04:44.720 --> 00:04:47.040 you might be with someone who's depressed, 108 00:04:47.040 --> 00:04:48.480 sad, they never smile. 109 00:04:48.480 --> 00:04:49.760 And when you get around them, 110 00:04:49.760 --> 00:04:52.120 you might come in to the room 111 00:04:52.120 --> 00:04:53.720 or you might come into the relationship 112 00:04:53.720 --> 00:04:55.320 pretty joyful, pretty happy. 113 00:04:55.320 --> 00:04:56.800 You get around someone who's just like, 114 00:04:56.800 --> 00:04:59.880 everything's terrible, kind of a Eeyore. 115 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:04.620 sort of complex, it doesn't take long for the neurons in your brain to start taking 116 00:05:04.620 --> 00:05:07.520 you into depression and taking you down. 117 00:05:07.520 --> 00:05:13.560 This is why it's often important to realize who are your friends and you become a mirror 118 00:05:13.560 --> 00:05:14.840 of the kind of friends that you have. 119 00:05:14.840 --> 00:05:20.240 If you tend to have people who are pretty pessimistic about life, if you're hanging 120 00:05:20.240 --> 00:05:23.840 out with them a lot, that's going to become true in your life. 121 00:05:23.840 --> 00:05:27.280 Now you could say, well, I'm, I'm in those relationships to pick them up, to try to pick 122 00:05:27.280 --> 00:05:28.280 them up. 123 00:05:28.440 --> 00:05:33.000 That might be fine and dandy if you can do that, but most of us can't. 124 00:05:33.000 --> 00:05:38.080 So pick your friends well, pick the kind of people that you want to be around that you 125 00:05:38.080 --> 00:05:43.280 believe mirror the kind of person you want to become, even if you're not all there yet, 126 00:05:43.280 --> 00:05:44.720 because nobody's all there yet. 127 00:05:44.720 --> 00:05:50.120 But PsychCare has done the research and that's what they found is that we have these mirror 128 00:05:50.120 --> 00:05:51.960 neurons and it, you know why? 129 00:05:51.960 --> 00:05:55.040 Because we're wired, again, we're wired for connection. 130 00:05:55.040 --> 00:06:00.040 So the connection point is going to be positive, negative. 131 00:06:00.040 --> 00:06:01.400 It's going to be full of faith. 132 00:06:01.400 --> 00:06:06.200 It's going to be full of fear, according to the crowd you're hanging out with or the person 133 00:06:06.200 --> 00:06:07.880 you're around. 134 00:06:07.880 --> 00:06:15.920 Neuroscientist, Dr. Matthew Lieberman, director at UCLA Social Cognitive Neuroscience Lab, 135 00:06:15.920 --> 00:06:23.840 has found that a person's need to connect with others is stronger than even one's need 136 00:06:23.880 --> 00:06:25.400 for food and shelter. 137 00:06:25.400 --> 00:06:26.400 That's radical. 138 00:06:26.400 --> 00:06:27.400 Can you believe that? 139 00:06:27.400 --> 00:06:32.440 If you were in eighth grade and you took Maslow's Hierarchy of Need in your sociology class, 140 00:06:32.440 --> 00:06:37.480 he had a pyramid, if you recall, and in the pyramid at the very bottom was food and shelter, 141 00:06:37.480 --> 00:06:40.200 at the very top was self-actualization. 142 00:06:40.200 --> 00:06:47.040 It appears that studies now show that even more basic, even more of a foundation than 143 00:06:47.040 --> 00:06:50.520 food and shelter is our need for community. 144 00:06:50.520 --> 00:06:55.920 So Dr. Lieberman continues and says, some studies would suggest that the greatest predictor 145 00:06:55.920 --> 00:07:02.600 of happiness is the level of one's community and mutuality with other people. 146 00:07:02.600 --> 00:07:03.600 Amazing study. 147 00:07:03.600 --> 00:07:04.600 Phenomenal study. 148 00:07:04.600 --> 00:07:11.360 Again, showing EQ is so important, that if we can mutually connect with people, if we 149 00:07:11.360 --> 00:07:17.520 can be in community, enjoy people, work through conflicts that come with people, that means 150 00:07:17.520 --> 00:07:20.520 a high EQ, you're going to be happy. 151 00:07:20.520 --> 00:07:21.520 You're going to be so happy. 152 00:07:21.520 --> 00:07:24.640 And that's what this talks about is why that's important. 153 00:07:24.640 --> 00:07:26.840 But the opposite is also true. 154 00:07:26.840 --> 00:07:32.200 So in my work as a counselor and a pastor and a leader, I deal with people who are going 155 00:07:32.200 --> 00:07:33.880 through divorce or thinking about divorce. 156 00:07:33.880 --> 00:07:36.280 I go through people who have been through a divorce. 157 00:07:36.280 --> 00:07:39.280 I deal with people who have suicidal ideations. 158 00:07:39.280 --> 00:07:41.560 Each case, they're isolated. 159 00:07:41.560 --> 00:07:43.520 Isolation will kill you. 160 00:07:43.520 --> 00:07:52.000 Being isolated from strong, committed relationships with others can literally, literally kill 161 00:07:52.000 --> 00:07:53.000 you. 162 00:07:53.000 --> 00:07:55.600 And this is why in the military, they have a buddy system. 163 00:07:55.600 --> 00:08:00.640 It's why in the military, they have platoons and they have teams that go in and do a job 164 00:08:00.640 --> 00:08:01.800 because we need each other. 165 00:08:01.800 --> 00:08:08.400 It's not just because more heads are going to make more success, but rather that the 166 00:08:08.400 --> 00:08:14.280 hearts and the minds of everyone on the team and the sense of community and mutuality bring 167 00:08:14.280 --> 00:08:15.280 success. 168 00:08:15.280 --> 00:08:18.080 So it's that community that we need. 169 00:08:18.080 --> 00:08:23.240 So we desperately need each other, men and women, working. 170 00:08:23.240 --> 00:08:24.240 This is important. 171 00:08:24.240 --> 00:08:27.200 If you're taking notes, you ought to write this down. 172 00:08:27.200 --> 00:08:32.440 Working on mission as a team is the healthiest thing you can do. 173 00:08:32.440 --> 00:08:38.159 Working on a mission, working on a vision with a team is one of the healthiest things, 174 00:08:38.200 --> 00:08:42.280 if not the most healthy thing that you can do with your life. 175 00:08:42.280 --> 00:08:46.560 If you're in a job, in the work that you do, if you're in a job where you're not on a team, 176 00:08:46.560 --> 00:08:49.120 man, you're big time missing out. 177 00:08:49.120 --> 00:08:50.400 That's super important. 178 00:08:50.400 --> 00:08:52.560 And you probably won't last long at that company. 179 00:08:52.560 --> 00:08:54.200 We need teams. 180 00:08:54.200 --> 00:08:59.800 Teams bring joy, teams bring conflict, but again, that's why you're going to develop 181 00:08:59.800 --> 00:09:04.360 your EQ factor because you can't develop your EQ factor by just saying, I'm going to develop 182 00:09:04.360 --> 00:09:07.280 my EQ factor or reading a lot of books about it. 183 00:09:07.280 --> 00:09:15.040 No, the EQ factor is developed by being in EQ factor relationships that force you to 184 00:09:15.040 --> 00:09:16.040 grow. 185 00:09:16.040 --> 00:09:20.920 So let me give you four reasons, four reasons to build healthy relationships at home and 186 00:09:20.920 --> 00:09:21.920 at work. 187 00:09:21.920 --> 00:09:27.600 Number one, healthy relationships make you, well, more healthy. 188 00:09:27.600 --> 00:09:29.920 So healthy relationships make you healthy. 189 00:09:29.920 --> 00:09:38.240 So EQ, the joy of EQ, the joy of growing in the EQ factor is that it's healthy for you. 190 00:09:38.240 --> 00:09:45.360 One author on health writes, quote, the quality of our relationships may have more to do with 191 00:09:45.360 --> 00:09:53.400 how often we get sick and how soon we get well than our genes, chemistry, diet, or environment. 192 00:09:53.400 --> 00:09:55.120 I think it's totally true. 193 00:09:55.120 --> 00:10:00.040 Most of the time, our stress levels are related to people. 194 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:03.880 issues in our life and the healthier those relationships are, the healthier 195 00:10:03.880 --> 00:10:08.200 you are physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So it actually makes you a 196 00:10:08.200 --> 00:10:13.480 healthier person to have healthy relationships. Leonard Syme, professor of 197 00:10:13.480 --> 00:10:17.440 epidemiology at the University of California Berkeley says, quote, the 198 00:10:17.440 --> 00:10:23.200 causes of our health problems are often attributed to industrialization, 199 00:10:23.200 --> 00:10:30.320 urbanization, technology, pollution, smoking cigarettes, and the fast pace of 200 00:10:30.320 --> 00:10:37.800 life. But the Japanese have all of these. Indeed, they smoke more than any other 201 00:10:37.800 --> 00:10:42.760 nation in the world. They have the worst problems in all of the areas mentioned, 202 00:10:42.760 --> 00:10:48.400 almost in the entire world. But despite these health hazards, Japanese have the 203 00:10:48.400 --> 00:10:55.320 highest life expectancy in the world, the lowest heart disease in the world. 204 00:10:55.320 --> 00:11:03.840 Dr. Syme continues with this. What is it about the Japanese, in spite of all of 205 00:11:03.840 --> 00:11:08.600 those liabilities, why do they have the longest lifespan? Why are they the 206 00:11:08.600 --> 00:11:16.160 healthiest people in the world? He calls it Amai. Amai is a Japanese word for 207 00:11:16.160 --> 00:11:22.520 characteristic that they value in Japan. Amai emphasizes a belief that the 208 00:11:22.520 --> 00:11:29.480 well-being of the individual depends on cooperation with others and goodwill 209 00:11:29.480 --> 00:11:35.160 from a person's group. In other words, social support is central to the values 210 00:11:35.160 --> 00:11:39.480 of Japanese practice and continues to provide resistance to disease, end quote. 211 00:11:39.480 --> 00:11:45.120 So Dr. Syme found in that study, because of Amai, the idea of relationships, the 212 00:11:45.120 --> 00:11:50.080 idea of being in a group and taking care of each other was huge in the 213 00:11:50.080 --> 00:11:54.160 Japanese system. And because of that, they could overcome disease. They could 214 00:11:54.160 --> 00:12:00.120 overcome huge amounts of air pollution. They could overcome lung cancer and lung 215 00:12:00.120 --> 00:12:04.800 diseases through smoking. Again, because I think what's happening 216 00:12:04.800 --> 00:12:10.200 there is a relationship with each other that presents a well-being into one's 217 00:12:10.200 --> 00:12:13.840 body. You know what I'm talking about here. I mean, all of you that are 218 00:12:13.840 --> 00:12:17.840 listening to this have had this happen in your life where you're in love with 219 00:12:17.840 --> 00:12:22.200 someone, or you're excited about a relationship, or you're excited about a 220 00:12:22.200 --> 00:12:26.520 group you're in, or you're excited about the church you're attending. And you have 221 00:12:26.520 --> 00:12:32.200 the same issues that week that you have every week in relation to stress and 222 00:12:32.200 --> 00:12:36.280 maybe even potential depression. But you overcome it. You just find that you're 223 00:12:36.280 --> 00:12:40.560 just able to overcome it better. It's because you're developing a higher EQ. 224 00:12:40.560 --> 00:12:48.800 Your EQ is higher. Your EQ quotient is higher. And you can fight off disease. I 225 00:12:48.800 --> 00:12:54.080 mean, you just don't let stress get to you as much. And this is why men and 226 00:12:54.080 --> 00:12:58.040 women that America is struggling right now with mental health, probably one of 227 00:12:58.040 --> 00:13:02.160 the biggest problems in our country, we're too isolated. Our neighborhoods 228 00:13:02.160 --> 00:13:08.760 here in our cities are more about the proximity of our houses, but not the 229 00:13:08.760 --> 00:13:13.800 proximity of our hearts. And so people just drive in, open up the garage, go in, 230 00:13:13.800 --> 00:13:17.160 close the garage. Neighbors don't know each other. There's no sense of community. 231 00:13:17.160 --> 00:13:22.400 And I lived forever for almost 10 years in Japan. And I was in the middle of 232 00:13:22.400 --> 00:13:28.520 Tokyo where I lived. And way more crowded. Way more crowded than here. 233 00:13:28.520 --> 00:13:32.720 Everybody knew each other. So there was just this sense of community. And 234 00:13:32.720 --> 00:13:35.800 everybody was always talking to each other in the streets. It's quite a hubbub. 235 00:13:36.480 --> 00:13:39.920 You know, you would come home and you'd see all the neighbors out talking because 236 00:13:39.920 --> 00:13:46.320 that's part of Japanese culture. They really value talking and connection and 237 00:13:46.320 --> 00:13:51.560 having friendships in their life. And it was pretty challenging as an American 238 00:13:51.560 --> 00:13:55.960 who tends to be individualistic to be involved in a culture that's so 239 00:13:55.960 --> 00:14:01.160 group-oriented. But I learned a lot. And it was very valuable in my life. So in 240 00:14:01.200 --> 00:14:07.120 the next episode, I want to go through the next three healthy factors that 241 00:14:07.120 --> 00:14:10.440 happen when we have a high EQ. So check that out.