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Okay, so welcome to Love Seats.

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This is the Love Seats for the fabulous lady

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rocking our 50 and above age group category.

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This is a female only session,

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and it's really a great time

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for people to ask some dating questions

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or questions that you might have

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that hopefully I will be able to answer

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or I will call on the audience to help answer

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in the meantime.

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And you know, I was talking about this

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with Jackie earlier, and you guys,

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I really want you to remember

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whether you're asking questions in Love Seats,

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whether you fill out an Ask Jackie,

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you put it in the Facebook feed of Bride School,

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or you're in one of those separate chat rooms,

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remember that when we all give an answer to your question,

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it is really based on what we've all learned,

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but it's always through our own filter, right?

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Like I'm gonna remember the parts of Jackie's teaching

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that resonate most with me,

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and I also take her teaching

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plus what I've been through in life,

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and I make it really work for me.

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And so sometimes you're gonna hear questions and answers

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in any of those forums,

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and if it doesn't feel right for you,

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it doesn't feel right for you.

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Like everything that we do in this program,

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there's some guidelines,

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there's some direction that we're going in, best practices,

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but of course, every story is different.

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And so don't like ever feel like, oh my gosh,

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always test what somebody says to you,

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especially somebody else in the community and not Jackie,

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including myself,

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always test it against what we've been trained

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and attest it with the Holy Spirit and the word of God.

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We would never want you to do something

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that the Lord is telling you not to do or vice versa.

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So that's always like the blanket information.

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So I'm just gonna, actually, Cheryl, you're on,

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will you open us up real quick in prayer

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so that we just bless this time together?

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Sure.

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Hey, father, thank you that you're a good, good father.

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You love us so much as your daughters.

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We thank you Lord God that you desire your best for us

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and that you use Holy Spirit to do so.

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So come be with us right now and God our words

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as we can talk and we invite you here in Jesus name.

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Amen.

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Amen.

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Okay.

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So I'm gonna review a little bit

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and I always think this is good reminder

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cause I kind of see the same questions over and over again

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when it comes to like profile and dating

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and online communication and what level one,

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level two, level three.

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I'm gonna kind of just give that general summary

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but I want you to be thinking in the back of the head

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if you are ready to go into the love seat tonight.

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So if you go into the love seat,

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it's not the hot seat, it's the love seat.

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So you might be stuck somewhere,

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maybe stuck not getting from level one to level two,

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level two to level three.

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You're not getting any dates or you're in a relationship

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and you really wanna unpack it

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and you're gonna kind of share your story.

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You're gonna be brave and you know,

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we're gonna use the tools that Jackie has given us

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to see how we can help you.

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So the first thing to remember you guys,

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level one is just your,

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it's just, it's not even low stakes dating.

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Level one are all the people that you're in community with

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and your acquaintances.

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All of you should be hopefully trying

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to enjoy level two dating.

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Level two dating is really a great opportunity

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to find out more about somebody.

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In level two dating, it is appropriate to find out

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who they are today, what's important to them today

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and where they're going tomorrow.

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Jackie always talks about dating in the present.

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If we start those early phone calls and initial dates,

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digging too far into the past,

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it's just not appropriate information for level one dating.

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Here's how you handle that.

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Now, what you guys consider personal

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might be very different.

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I spent 20 years in full-time ministry.

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A lot of my information has gotten shared.

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My cell phone number is on a business card

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in probably a thousand churches in Nashville.

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So people have access to me and information about me,

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maybe more than some people.

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So what I find okay to share in those early level one

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datings may not match what you're willing to share.

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I'm kind of like, if it's in my book,

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if it's on my resume and most people know about it,

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it's information I'm willing to share.

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How I handle those tough questions when they come up early.

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If they, so why did you never get married?

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So do you have any daddy wounds?

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How do you feel about sex outside of marriage?

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Like, wow, that's a really great question.

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And I feel like that's really too soon for us to unpack that

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I'd be happy to give you like an overarching answer

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about that.

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But over time, if we choose to go further

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in the dating relationship,

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I would be happy to revisit that conversation

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so that you feel like I can give you a good answer,

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but that's just too soon for us right now.

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So that's how I handle somebody's questions for.

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me that are super strong right away.

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Now how I handle if they start to vomit their whole life story, and let me give you a quick

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example.

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I just had a video date this weekend with a gentleman who has primarily only met women

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in a 12-step meeting.

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And if you've been to 12-step meetings, people vomit their life story pretty fast.

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And so he shared a lot of information in a very short amount of time.

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I didn't even have time to like, time, like I didn't even have time.

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So when he finally caught his breath, I was like, yeah, that's probably a little too much

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information for a first date.

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I really appreciate that you trusted me with that information.

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I just don't want you, that's just not typical first date conversations.

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And he was just like, oh my gosh, but that's what happens in an AA meeting.

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I'm like, I know.

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And this is not that kind of a setting.

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But in an AA meeting, you have a lot of confidentiality, you have shared trust.

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It's a very different dynamic.

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And so instead of shaming him, I was able to kind of turn that conversation around.

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So I don't want you to think I'm never confronted with inappropriate conversations kind of upfront.

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And then the other thing that I know has come up a lot is when physical activity should

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happen.

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And people have very different opinions about this.

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I've been there, done that.

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And so I think kissing is amazing.

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I even think sex is amazing.

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I'm just learning, I'm going to put the sex in my marriage and I'm going to put the kissing

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and the romance in an exclusive relationship, but that's for me.

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And so you really have to kind of discern that.

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Don't let anybody else in this community tell you that.

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And I know Jackie would want us to really pay attention to the things that would cause

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us to ignore those yellow and red flags.

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And so if he's hot and kissing him is going to make you ignore all the red flags and you

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might need to rein in the kissing.

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And so those are just some of the general things, but I want to open the floor tonight

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because this is your night.

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I was just trying to give you enough time and a question.

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Is there anybody that wants to raise their avatar hand and ask a question, like a basic

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question or you're like, I need to unpack a story, I want to go in the love seat.

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So who wants to be the first brave person with either a question or going into the hot seat?

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I mean, y'all don't want me to talk for 34 more minutes, right?

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So I know y'all are dating.

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I saw in the private group.

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Okay, Vicki, great.

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Do you have a question or do you want to go in the hot seat and unpack a relationship?

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Question?

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Question.

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Okay, what's your question?

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And if you can hear my mic okay?

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Yep.

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Some people said that it's too muffled.

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Okay.

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Mine was just a, I have a question, I'm throwing the scenario at you.

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I had a, this was years ago, I had a blind date.

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It's a neighbor, friend, and we got along well.

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We talked and talked and talked and just kept seeing each other, just hanging out, hanging

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out, level one, level two, you know?

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And then nothing became of it.

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We kind of drifted, did our own thing.

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Well then I find out later, he's like, oh, well, I figured if, because you hadn't kissed

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me yet, you didn't like me.

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And he's like, well, I, you know, would have figured you would have kissed me by now if

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you liked me or wanted to pursue.

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And I'm like, but that wasn't the case.

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Did he try, did he try kissing you?

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And if he did, what did you do?

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No, he, he didn't.

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He didn't.

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We just, it was a very friendly conversation and date, you know, dinner conversation.

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I mean, we were like buddies, if you will.

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So was he expecting you to kiss him then?

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If he didn't reach in for the kiss, was he expecting you to reach in?

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By the sounds of it that I found out like a couple of years later, you know, we're still

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friends.

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So Jackie would probably call hogwash on that, right?

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Like we want mature, masculine, marriage-minded men who are going to take initiative.

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You're on the date with him.

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So you've already let him know that you like hanging out with him.

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Hopefully you've told him you've enjoyed that conversation.

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Now here's the part you can step back and own, and we can always own, because Jackie's

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even asked that of me.

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Did you let him know you had a good time?

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Did you let him know you want to pursue them?

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And so I'm just learning to get bolder and bolder.

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I never leave an alive date in doubt.

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I never want him in doubt.

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So I have learned the art of at the car, goodbye.

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I just say, Hey, I had a really great time.

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I don't know where you're at with it, but I would love to see you again to see where

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this could go.

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out there that is totally okay.

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You can think about it.

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And if I don't hear from you, I wish you the very best.

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But if you do wanna reach out to me,

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I'd love to hear from you.

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Boom, and I get in the car.

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Like I literally do the turn.

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And if they kind of go, oh, I had a nice time too.

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Before I even drive away, I'm like, yeah,

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he ain't calling me again, this is it.

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But I will never second guess that I made my intention.

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So it's possible, Vicky.

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It may have not been the actual, did you kiss him or not?

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Maybe you never gave him the green thumb or the thumbs up

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that you wanted to do something more than just hang out.

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And you guys, I think this happens a lot when we're friends.

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And I don't know about y'all,

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but like there was never this idea of hanging out

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when I was young.

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You either were asked out on a date or you weren't.

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And then I went through this season, not gonna lie,

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in the last 15 years,

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where I thought I was on a date with a guy

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and he starts talking about his girlfriend.

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And I was like, wait, I thought I was the date tonight.

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And he just thought we were hanging out

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because we did work together.

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Like we didn't work at the same company,

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but we had similar relationships

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and he just wanted to hang out with me,

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which I thought was a little weird

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because when I'm exclusively dating somebody,

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I'm not gonna meet alone at night,

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especially with alcohol, with a person of the opposite sex.

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But for him, clearly that wasn't a boundary issue.

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And so I am learning,

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we've entered into this quasi hanging out situation.

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So if you want it to be a date

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or you're not sure it's a date,

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if you like him, you gotta ask, or you gotta tell him,

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like, hey, I don't know if you're planning this

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because you just wanted to hang out with me,

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but in case you were wondering,

253
00:11:50.680 --> 00:11:53.240
I would love to consider that this could be more

254
00:11:53.240 --> 00:11:54.840
than just hanging out as friends.

255
00:11:54.840 --> 00:11:58.020
I'd like to consider that maybe we can go out on a date,

256
00:11:58.540 --> 00:11:59.740
seeing where that could go.

257
00:11:59.740 --> 00:12:02.100
If that's not something you're interested,

258
00:12:02.100 --> 00:12:05.140
just let me know and it's okay and we can keep being friends.

259
00:12:05.140 --> 00:12:08.060
It is so much harder to just say it upfront,

260
00:12:08.060 --> 00:12:11.660
but it is so much easier walking away from these dates.

261
00:12:11.660 --> 00:12:14.980
I spent and wasted way too many nights

262
00:12:14.980 --> 00:12:17.260
the day after and two days later,

263
00:12:17.260 --> 00:12:19.180
second guessing, being confused,

264
00:12:19.180 --> 00:12:20.340
was that a date or not a date?

265
00:12:20.340 --> 00:12:22.020
Did I let him know he liked me or not?

266
00:12:22.020 --> 00:12:22.860
Is he gonna call me?

267
00:12:22.860 --> 00:12:24.720
Is he not gonna call me?

268
00:12:24.720 --> 00:12:28.280
And I have learned, especially if it's a first date,

269
00:12:28.280 --> 00:12:30.720
you guys, he hasn't really gotten to know me,

270
00:12:30.720 --> 00:12:31.660
really at all.

271
00:12:31.660 --> 00:12:36.120
I was literally this weekend mid conversation with a guy

272
00:12:36.120 --> 00:12:39.080
and he asked, have you ever been married?

273
00:12:39.080 --> 00:12:42.320
Now, mind you, I actually think we got matched

274
00:12:42.320 --> 00:12:44.840
on another site and I think he didn't recognize me

275
00:12:44.840 --> 00:12:47.400
and he totally, he's the same guy I'm thinking of

276
00:12:47.400 --> 00:12:50.800
because I've been on so many Zoom dates or video dates,

277
00:12:50.800 --> 00:12:53.040
I can't remember them all anymore.

278
00:12:53.040 --> 00:12:55.080
And I'm like, I think this is the guy

279
00:12:55.080 --> 00:12:57.000
that did a video date with me last year

280
00:12:57.000 --> 00:12:59.760
and totally blew me off 10 minutes into the video date,

281
00:12:59.760 --> 00:13:02.840
like totally decided he was not attracted to me

282
00:13:02.840 --> 00:13:05.200
and I could just tell and I never heard from him.

283
00:13:05.200 --> 00:13:07.200
And I think somewhere in my response,

284
00:13:07.200 --> 00:13:11.440
he recognized who I was because I answered the dumbest,

285
00:13:11.440 --> 00:13:13.400
very simple question and all of a sudden,

286
00:13:13.400 --> 00:13:14.800
he was just gone.

287
00:13:14.800 --> 00:13:18.420
And I was like, and in the moment, was I stung?

288
00:13:18.420 --> 00:13:21.600
Yeah, like, am I stung when a guy has a video call

289
00:13:21.640 --> 00:13:23.800
and doesn't wanna see me again or a video date?

290
00:13:23.800 --> 00:13:26.440
I mean, I dropped a couple of hankies on those men

291
00:13:26.440 --> 00:13:28.280
in the he said, she said,

292
00:13:28.280 --> 00:13:30.080
and I pretty much got that very polite,

293
00:13:30.080 --> 00:13:33.660
you seem really nice, Renee, but I have no intention

294
00:13:33.660 --> 00:13:35.840
of wanting to have a further conversation with you.

295
00:13:35.840 --> 00:13:37.080
I wish you the best of luck.

296
00:13:37.080 --> 00:13:39.940
In the moment, did it feel like, you know?

297
00:13:39.940 --> 00:13:41.000
But you know what?

298
00:13:41.000 --> 00:13:43.240
He doesn't know all who I am

299
00:13:43.240 --> 00:13:45.840
and so if he's not my guy, he's not my guy.

300
00:13:45.840 --> 00:13:48.840
So I have never been able to handle

301
00:13:48.880 --> 00:13:52.040
that kind of early rejection as well as I have been able to.

302
00:13:52.040 --> 00:13:54.040
So Vicky, it was a long way to answer.

303
00:13:54.040 --> 00:13:56.240
I think it was less about the kiss

304
00:13:56.240 --> 00:14:00.480
and more about you didn't make your intentions clear.

305
00:14:00.480 --> 00:14:01.920
And I love that he kind of threw it,

306
00:14:01.920 --> 00:14:03.600
he lobbied it back on you.

307
00:14:04.720 --> 00:14:06.560
And so I've been on dates with guys

308
00:14:06.560 --> 00:14:07.920
that never stepped up to the plate

309
00:14:07.920 --> 00:14:09.720
and took the masculine lead.

310
00:14:09.720 --> 00:14:11.840
Oh, well, Renee, we're not dating because of you.

311
00:14:11.840 --> 00:14:13.440
No, I'm not even gonna receive that

312
00:14:13.440 --> 00:14:15.200
because dude, you didn't step up.

313
00:14:15.200 --> 00:14:17.800
So he might've just been a wimp

314
00:14:17.800 --> 00:14:19.120
and he's just putting it on you.

315
00:14:19.120 --> 00:14:21.520
So, and it is okay, you guys,

316
00:14:21.520 --> 00:14:23.000
to state your intentions clear.

317
00:14:23.000 --> 00:14:25.040
Like I've got a date tomorrow night

318
00:14:25.040 --> 00:14:26.680
and he looks like a good old teddy bear.

319
00:14:26.680 --> 00:14:29.080
He might want some kisses earlier than I do.

320
00:14:29.080 --> 00:14:31.080
So if he goes to lean in,

321
00:14:31.080 --> 00:14:33.120
I'm just gonna give him the side hug

322
00:14:33.120 --> 00:14:35.440
and I'm gonna be like, hey, wasn't gonna say anything

323
00:14:35.440 --> 00:14:38.240
but it might be a good opportunity for me to say,

324
00:14:38.240 --> 00:14:40.840
I don't like to kiss on the first date.

325
00:14:40.840 --> 00:14:43.760
As I get older, I'm realizing I'm really not gonna,

326
00:14:43.760 --> 00:14:45.120
I will hug you.

327
00:14:45.120 --> 00:14:47.440
Like I'll give you a good old side hug

328
00:14:48.040 --> 00:14:49.360
but like handholding and kissing,

329
00:14:49.360 --> 00:14:51.800
I'm not gonna do that till we're further along

330
00:14:51.800 --> 00:14:52.760
in the dating process.

331
00:14:52.760 --> 00:14:55.120
And it has nothing to do with how I feel about you.

332
00:14:55.120 --> 00:14:57.000
It's just the boundary I've set up.

333
00:14:57.000 --> 00:15:00.000
Again, we can't expect men to read our minds.

334
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:02.880
I think, especially as women, we're so intuitive.

335
00:15:02.880 --> 00:15:05.640
We can read each other's minds so well.

336
00:15:05.640 --> 00:15:08.960
We forget men really cannot read our minds at all.

337
00:15:08.960 --> 00:15:10.400
So we need to help them.

338
00:15:10.400 --> 00:15:13.280
All right, questioner Hotzi, who else wants to go?

339
00:15:13.280 --> 00:15:14.120
That was good.

340
00:15:18.200 --> 00:15:21.160
Anybody in a relationship right now?

341
00:15:21.160 --> 00:15:22.640
Okay, good.

342
00:15:22.640 --> 00:15:25.500
Hilda, oh good, Hilda, I'm glad you're in my group.

343
00:15:26.520 --> 00:15:28.540
I wasn't sure which age group you were in.

344
00:15:28.540 --> 00:15:31.140
So I was like, awesome.

345
00:15:31.140 --> 00:15:33.980
So now everybody saw what you posted today.

346
00:15:33.980 --> 00:15:37.780
So get us up to speed,

347
00:15:37.780 --> 00:15:42.000
because on like your dating relationship,

348
00:15:42.000 --> 00:15:44.100
how long you've been together, da, da, da.

349
00:15:44.100 --> 00:15:45.940
So when you ask your question,

350
00:15:45.940 --> 00:15:47.180
if it's what I think it is,

351
00:15:47.180 --> 00:15:49.340
the group will kind of know where it's coming from.

352
00:15:49.340 --> 00:15:52.260
Give me one second, Renee, I'm so sorry.

353
00:15:52.260 --> 00:15:55.060
No, you're okay, you're okay.

354
00:15:55.060 --> 00:15:58.540
Does anybody else have a quick question before,

355
00:15:58.540 --> 00:16:00.860
and ignore the sound, that's my dog.

356
00:16:00.860 --> 00:16:02.140
I'm sitting up at the counter.

357
00:16:02.140 --> 00:16:04.180
So you have a nice, pretty background,

358
00:16:04.180 --> 00:16:05.700
but she can't sit on my lap.

359
00:16:05.700 --> 00:16:09.380
And so she's making these whiny sounds, I apologize.

360
00:16:09.380 --> 00:16:13.380
Any other quick question for the group before Hilda goes?

361
00:16:18.260 --> 00:16:20.060
Vicky, what's your second question?

362
00:16:21.060 --> 00:16:24.620
I actually had a date this weekend

363
00:16:24.620 --> 00:16:26.380
with a high school classmate.

364
00:16:26.380 --> 00:16:28.860
It was Friday through Sunday.

365
00:16:28.860 --> 00:16:29.700
And-

366
00:16:30.700 --> 00:16:32.340
The date?

367
00:16:32.340 --> 00:16:33.540
Date, yeah.

368
00:16:33.540 --> 00:16:34.380
Yeah.

369
00:16:34.380 --> 00:16:35.340
The date lasted all weekend?

370
00:16:35.340 --> 00:16:38.320
Yeah, yeah, because it was a music festival.

371
00:16:39.380 --> 00:16:44.380
And we stayed at Hocking College by Columbus.

372
00:16:45.100 --> 00:16:49.140
Anyway, and had twin beds and whatever.

373
00:16:49.140 --> 00:16:50.420
Anyhow, separate.

374
00:16:50.420 --> 00:16:52.500
But the thing is, is I thought,

375
00:16:52.500 --> 00:16:54.140
three and a half hour drive each way,

376
00:16:54.140 --> 00:16:56.140
be nice opportunity to talk,

377
00:16:56.140 --> 00:16:58.180
get a little better acquainted kind of thing.

378
00:16:58.180 --> 00:17:00.660
I mean, even though we went to high school.

379
00:17:00.660 --> 00:17:02.420
But he kept, the radio was up.

380
00:17:02.420 --> 00:17:05.079
He likes the music, he likes it loud.

381
00:17:05.079 --> 00:17:06.420
And so I'm trying to talk,

382
00:17:06.420 --> 00:17:10.099
and I said, you know, it's hard to hear you.

383
00:17:10.099 --> 00:17:14.859
It's, you know, it's nicer if I could turn the radio down.

384
00:17:14.859 --> 00:17:17.339
So he turns it down a little bit so we can talk,

385
00:17:17.339 --> 00:17:19.660
and then he turns it right back up.

386
00:17:19.660 --> 00:17:21.380
And so-

387
00:17:21.380 --> 00:17:22.380
Back up for a second.

388
00:17:22.380 --> 00:17:24.579
Is this somebody that you've been dating a while?

389
00:17:24.579 --> 00:17:26.300
Was this your first date?

390
00:17:26.300 --> 00:17:27.380
What was this?

391
00:17:28.600 --> 00:17:30.140
Okay, how do we say this?

392
00:17:30.140 --> 00:17:31.980
Yeah, this is a real date.

393
00:17:31.980 --> 00:17:33.960
Does he, did he think it was a date?

394
00:17:36.020 --> 00:17:37.460
I'm gonna say yes.

395
00:17:37.460 --> 00:17:38.980
Or it could have been a hangout.

396
00:17:38.980 --> 00:17:41.820
Because like I said, high school, from high school class.

397
00:17:41.820 --> 00:17:44.980
How did he, how did you initiate you guys going together?

398
00:17:44.980 --> 00:17:46.580
Who initiated that, him or you?

399
00:17:46.580 --> 00:17:47.900
That's him, that's him.

400
00:17:47.900 --> 00:17:51.020
And he, again, the backstory is longer.

401
00:17:51.020 --> 00:17:53.300
How did he, so how did he ask you out?

402
00:17:53.300 --> 00:17:55.980
Did he say, do you want to come with me to this weekend?

403
00:17:55.980 --> 00:17:57.900
Yes, yes.

404
00:17:57.900 --> 00:17:58.900
Yeah, he paid for everything.

405
00:17:58.900 --> 00:18:00.180
He paid for all the tickets.

406
00:18:00.180 --> 00:18:01.660
He paid for the dorm rooms.

407
00:18:02.660 --> 00:18:06.980
So before this, had you guys been dating, talking?

408
00:18:06.980 --> 00:18:08.140
Hanging out.

409
00:18:08.140 --> 00:18:09.980
We'd gone out a few times.

410
00:18:09.980 --> 00:18:12.500
Well, you have a situation-ship.

411
00:18:12.500 --> 00:18:14.580
Yes, yes I do, yes.

412
00:18:14.580 --> 00:18:17.060
And we're, again, it's long.

413
00:18:17.060 --> 00:18:18.540
It's, I've got other-

414
00:18:18.540 --> 00:18:19.380
It sounds like,

415
00:18:19.380 --> 00:18:22.420
do you feel like it is unclear and undefined?

416
00:18:23.700 --> 00:18:27.700
Yes, but I also know that we're at different levels

417
00:18:27.700 --> 00:18:30.100
and it'll probably only be a friendship.

418
00:18:30.100 --> 00:18:33.220
Okay, so if he thinks it's only a friendship

419
00:18:33.220 --> 00:18:34.740
and you're just hanging out,

420
00:18:34.740 --> 00:18:36.640
that's why the radio went back up.

421
00:18:37.700 --> 00:18:38.780
You're just hanging out

422
00:18:38.780 --> 00:18:40.620
and you're going on a weekend trip together

423
00:18:40.620 --> 00:18:42.180
and you're just pals.

424
00:18:42.180 --> 00:18:43.740
He's not thinking I'm gonna use

425
00:18:43.780 --> 00:18:45.180
this three and a half hours

426
00:18:45.180 --> 00:18:47.380
to get to know somebody I'm courting.

427
00:18:48.660 --> 00:18:50.900
And so he doesn't even think he's being rude.

428
00:18:50.900 --> 00:18:52.460
That's just my guess.

429
00:18:52.460 --> 00:18:54.820
Stacy's got it with me, so.

430
00:18:54.820 --> 00:18:58.980
Okay, prior date, again, backstory,

431
00:18:58.980 --> 00:19:01.540
because he's been sober four years now.

432
00:19:01.540 --> 00:19:04.460
We had dated a little bit when he was still drinking.

433
00:19:04.460 --> 00:19:06.820
Again, it's a long backstory.

434
00:19:06.820 --> 00:19:08.620
And this time here, he said,

435
00:19:08.620 --> 00:19:11.100
he thanked God for turning his life around

436
00:19:11.100 --> 00:19:12.700
and he was thankful and he said,

437
00:19:12.700 --> 00:19:15.060
now he just needs the right girlfriend.

438
00:19:15.060 --> 00:19:17.700
And he said, God told him to call Vicky.

439
00:19:17.700 --> 00:19:19.220
And so he called me

440
00:19:19.220 --> 00:19:21.300
and that's when we started hanging out again

441
00:19:21.300 --> 00:19:23.220
and seeing more and more of each other.

442
00:19:23.220 --> 00:19:24.720
And then he invited me.

443
00:19:25.900 --> 00:19:27.580
Anyhow, but I mean, it's close.

444
00:19:27.580 --> 00:19:29.460
Oh no, I mean, that's helpful.

445
00:19:29.460 --> 00:19:34.460
So I feel like he's kind of dancing a little bit.

446
00:19:35.020 --> 00:19:36.620
It's a long story, too long.

447
00:19:36.620 --> 00:19:38.540
Well, it sounds like he's dancing

448
00:19:38.540 --> 00:19:40.340
and he's not being intentional.

449
00:19:40.340 --> 00:19:43.260
It's like God said, well, check out Vicky,

450
00:19:43.260 --> 00:19:44.660
and that may or may not be

451
00:19:44.660 --> 00:19:46.420
because God wants you to be together

452
00:19:46.420 --> 00:19:48.140
or it's low hanging fruit

453
00:19:48.140 --> 00:19:49.660
and you're a great first person

454
00:19:49.660 --> 00:19:51.420
to start dating healthy with.

455
00:19:51.420 --> 00:19:54.540
So I would say this, I have to be honest with you, Vicky.

456
00:19:54.540 --> 00:19:56.580
I don't know that I would subject myself

457
00:19:56.580 --> 00:19:59.740
to an entire weekend away with somebody.

458
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:01.980
I don't know where that relationship is.

459
00:20:01.980 --> 00:20:04.300
And I don't know, I definitely would not do that

460
00:20:04.300 --> 00:20:06.340
with somebody I'm at level two dating.

461
00:20:06.340 --> 00:20:08.900
And I know some people on here might disagree with it.

462
00:20:08.900 --> 00:20:11.020
And I'm not saying that that's Jackie's role.

463
00:20:11.020 --> 00:20:14.500
I think it's different if somebody lives a thousand miles

464
00:20:14.500 --> 00:20:17.220
away, they're flying in to see you

465
00:20:17.220 --> 00:20:19.020
and they're gonna stay someplace safe

466
00:20:19.020 --> 00:20:22.080
and you have an entire weekend booked together.

467
00:20:22.080 --> 00:20:23.260
That makes sense to me.

468
00:20:23.260 --> 00:20:25.780
But if it's somebody in your back door

469
00:20:25.780 --> 00:20:28.780
and you've had this on again, off again relationship

470
00:20:28.780 --> 00:20:32.120
but you're now back at only level two,

471
00:20:32.120 --> 00:20:35.080
I think going away together is gonna create

472
00:20:35.080 --> 00:20:40.080
a lot of questions about what the intention is behind it.

473
00:20:40.640 --> 00:20:44.840
So my bigger advice to you is you have to decide,

474
00:20:44.840 --> 00:20:49.280
A, do you like who he is right now,

475
00:20:49.280 --> 00:20:52.360
the way he is if nothing else changes?

476
00:20:52.360 --> 00:20:54.040
And is he somebody you want to be

477
00:20:54.040 --> 00:20:57.160
in an exclusive relationship with?

478
00:20:57.180 --> 00:20:59.900
And would you wanna pursue that direction with him?

479
00:20:59.900 --> 00:21:02.860
If the answer's yes, then you probably need

480
00:21:02.860 --> 00:21:05.740
to have a clearly defined conversation with him

481
00:21:05.740 --> 00:21:08.140
because you have so much history.

482
00:21:08.140 --> 00:21:09.420
Are you at level two?

483
00:21:09.420 --> 00:21:11.180
Are you in a committed relationship?

484
00:21:11.180 --> 00:21:12.700
Is he pursuing you?

485
00:21:12.700 --> 00:21:15.700
Because only knowing that will help you know

486
00:21:15.700 --> 00:21:17.860
how you should have responded to the radio thing.

487
00:21:17.860 --> 00:21:18.940
Do you know what I'm saying?

488
00:21:18.940 --> 00:21:21.020
Like if I'm in the car with a guy

489
00:21:21.020 --> 00:21:22.900
who I think is my boyfriend,

490
00:21:22.900 --> 00:21:26.220
I have very different expectations about that

491
00:21:26.240 --> 00:21:28.800
than I do if he's just my buddy.

492
00:21:28.800 --> 00:21:33.800
So my suspicion is you need to have some more clarity

493
00:21:33.800 --> 00:21:35.400
about where he is at.

494
00:21:35.400 --> 00:21:39.600
But I first want you to decide if you want this for you.

495
00:21:41.480 --> 00:21:43.560
Okay, then if you don't wanna be

496
00:21:43.560 --> 00:21:45.320
in a dating relationship with him,

497
00:21:45.320 --> 00:21:47.200
then going away together for the weekend,

498
00:21:47.200 --> 00:21:50.320
even in separate rooms is probably not the best option

499
00:21:50.320 --> 00:21:52.960
for you because it's just too easy

500
00:21:52.960 --> 00:21:55.000
and it's like putting on an old sweatshirt,

501
00:21:55.020 --> 00:21:58.980
but it's gonna distract you from your spirit mate.

502
00:21:58.980 --> 00:22:00.900
So that's just Renee's advice.

503
00:22:00.900 --> 00:22:02.620
Test it with Jackie's content,

504
00:22:02.620 --> 00:22:03.740
test it with the Holy Spirit.

505
00:22:03.740 --> 00:22:04.940
If I'm wrong, I'm wrong.

506
00:22:04.940 --> 00:22:06.540
I want Hilda to get, is Hilda back?

507
00:22:06.540 --> 00:22:07.580
Where'd she go?

508
00:22:07.580 --> 00:22:08.420
Where'd she go?

509
00:22:08.420 --> 00:22:09.260
Is Hilda around?

510
00:22:09.260 --> 00:22:10.580
Yes, I'm back.

511
00:22:10.580 --> 00:22:11.420
I'm back.

512
00:22:11.420 --> 00:22:12.420
I apologize about that.

513
00:22:12.420 --> 00:22:13.260
No, no, no, you're good.

514
00:22:13.260 --> 00:22:15.260
I just wanna make sure I don't forget about you.

515
00:22:15.260 --> 00:22:17.020
And the rest of you keep your hands raised

516
00:22:17.020 --> 00:22:18.660
so I'll know to call you next.

517
00:22:19.700 --> 00:22:20.940
Hilda, go ahead.

518
00:22:20.940 --> 00:22:21.780
Okay.

519
00:22:21.780 --> 00:22:25.060
So my question, I posted it earlier in our group

520
00:22:25.060 --> 00:22:28.880
and I was wondering like what's suggested to do

521
00:22:28.880 --> 00:22:32.760
like Bible studies and devotionals and praying together,

522
00:22:32.760 --> 00:22:36.000
like how soon or how late in the relationship?

523
00:22:36.000 --> 00:22:38.240
So we're at a level three.

524
00:22:38.240 --> 00:22:40.240
We've been dating for a couple of months now.

525
00:22:40.240 --> 00:22:42.040
We're long distance.

526
00:22:42.040 --> 00:22:46.000
And we were seeing each other weekly

527
00:22:46.000 --> 00:22:47.280
for about a month and a half.

528
00:22:47.280 --> 00:22:50.380
And then I'm back to work and other plans.

529
00:22:50.380 --> 00:22:52.400
So we plan on seeing each other

530
00:22:52.400 --> 00:22:54.840
in a couple of weeks from now.

531
00:22:54.840 --> 00:22:56.300
I mean, I will say this,

532
00:22:57.600 --> 00:22:59.560
obviously, Jackie talked about

533
00:22:59.560 --> 00:23:02.620
how in those first few discovery dates

534
00:23:02.620 --> 00:23:04.840
that you're probably not gonna pray together,

535
00:23:04.840 --> 00:23:07.280
do a devotional together, you guys,

536
00:23:07.280 --> 00:23:08.520
but like totally random.

537
00:23:08.520 --> 00:23:10.600
Like I had a guy that came in from out of town

538
00:23:10.600 --> 00:23:11.840
and for our second date,

539
00:23:11.840 --> 00:23:13.760
and he was like, I'm just gonna meet you at church

540
00:23:13.760 --> 00:23:16.360
because he goes to church very regularly,

541
00:23:16.360 --> 00:23:17.740
very involved in his faith.

542
00:23:17.740 --> 00:23:19.000
So him showing up at church

543
00:23:19.000 --> 00:23:20.780
wasn't that big of a deal with me.

544
00:23:20.780 --> 00:23:23.200
And it certainly didn't bother me.

545
00:23:23.200 --> 00:23:26.500
I've been in full-time ministry for over 25 years.

546
00:23:26.500 --> 00:23:29.300
So if I'm on a date with somebody

547
00:23:29.300 --> 00:23:32.900
and I start dating somebody who has a very deep faith too,

548
00:23:32.900 --> 00:23:35.060
and he's very far in his ministry,

549
00:23:35.060 --> 00:23:37.480
it's possible we're gonna start praying together

550
00:23:37.480 --> 00:23:40.300
and talking about scripture and good books

551
00:23:40.300 --> 00:23:42.180
within the first couple of months,

552
00:23:42.180 --> 00:23:45.820
even while we're only in level two dating.

553
00:23:45.820 --> 00:23:50.120
I would 100% think it is completely appropriate

554
00:23:50.120 --> 00:23:52.320
by the time you hit level three,

555
00:23:52.320 --> 00:23:55.040
you should be starting to pray together.

556
00:23:55.040 --> 00:23:58.160
You should be starting to unpack scripture together

557
00:23:58.160 --> 00:24:01.300
because if that's something you want in your marriage,

558
00:24:01.300 --> 00:24:04.360
level three is the place that that should be happening.

559
00:24:04.360 --> 00:24:06.140
Or you can invite that question like,

560
00:24:06.140 --> 00:24:08.760
hey, how do you feel about praying for me?

561
00:24:08.760 --> 00:24:12.940
How do you feel about doing a Bible study together?

562
00:24:12.940 --> 00:24:14.120
I mean, ask them.

563
00:24:14.140 --> 00:24:17.300
So Hilda, you had mentioned when you replied back to me,

564
00:24:17.300 --> 00:24:19.540
I'm glad you asked this question to this group

565
00:24:19.540 --> 00:24:23.500
because I feel like when you talk about faith is a big deal.

566
00:24:23.500 --> 00:24:27.020
Now I know for a lot of us who are like deep Bible girls

567
00:24:27.020 --> 00:24:28.940
and we go to church and we go to Bible study

568
00:24:28.940 --> 00:24:30.520
and we're in a life group and like,

569
00:24:30.520 --> 00:24:33.740
we want these men to love Jesus with us and get in the word.

570
00:24:33.740 --> 00:24:36.620
And if it's so not a part of his story,

571
00:24:36.620 --> 00:24:40.820
of course we're not gonna bombard him with it right away.

572
00:24:40.820 --> 00:24:42.340
But if he loves the Lord

573
00:24:42.360 --> 00:24:46.000
and he is deeply entrenched with it as much as you are,

574
00:24:46.000 --> 00:24:48.260
it's probably not gonna happen in the first few dates,

575
00:24:48.260 --> 00:24:51.000
but it's probably gonna happen much more quickly

576
00:24:51.000 --> 00:24:52.600
than it was with some guy who's like,

577
00:24:52.600 --> 00:24:54.400
yeah, I've not been to church in like three years,

578
00:24:54.400 --> 00:24:55.840
but I'm really open to it.

579
00:24:55.840 --> 00:24:56.680
Do you know what I'm saying?

580
00:24:56.680 --> 00:25:00.080
So I think some of it is it depends on the couple.

581
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.900
But I would definitely think by level three, it's super important.

582
00:25:04.900 --> 00:25:09.600
Like I kind of feel like for me, and I think Jackie has talked about this and some of you

583
00:25:09.600 --> 00:25:13.240
guys have gotten confused about this.

584
00:25:13.240 --> 00:25:18.480
If you're going to go into an exclusive level three relationship, there's actually some

585
00:25:18.480 --> 00:25:24.400
questions I'm going to ask before I commit to an exclusive relationship.

586
00:25:24.400 --> 00:25:28.560
Because remember at our age, we're all in here because we're over 50, right?

587
00:25:28.560 --> 00:25:30.400
So we're in here because we're over 50.

588
00:25:30.400 --> 00:25:34.600
So we're not going to be exclusive with somebody who doesn't see that there could be a potential

589
00:25:34.600 --> 00:25:36.140
towards marriage.

590
00:25:36.140 --> 00:25:40.880
So with that litmus test, I'm going to see if he wants to be, if my boo wants to be exclusive,

591
00:25:40.880 --> 00:25:44.760
I'm going to be like, all right, we need, we need to unpack just a few things.

592
00:25:44.760 --> 00:25:48.120
One, I have no intention of having sex outside of marriage.

593
00:25:48.120 --> 00:25:52.360
Is that something before we go into a level three, is that something, how do you feel

594
00:25:52.360 --> 00:25:53.540
about that?

595
00:25:53.540 --> 00:25:56.640
Because even if he says, well, I don't really want that, but if you want that, I'll try

596
00:25:56.640 --> 00:25:58.000
to help you out with that.

597
00:25:58.000 --> 00:26:00.400
That's actually not good enough for me.

598
00:26:00.400 --> 00:26:04.560
Like I need a little bit more because I enjoyed sex when I used to have it.

599
00:26:04.560 --> 00:26:09.720
And so I don't think I am strong enough to be the one with all the willpower all of the

600
00:26:09.720 --> 00:26:10.720
time.

601
00:26:10.720 --> 00:26:12.560
And so I want to do it God's way.

602
00:26:12.560 --> 00:26:17.080
So I would rather him say something closer to, you know, Renee, I've been feeling conviction

603
00:26:17.080 --> 00:26:18.260
about that too.

604
00:26:18.260 --> 00:26:19.680
And I really want to honor that.

605
00:26:19.680 --> 00:26:21.640
I want to be abstinent too.

606
00:26:21.640 --> 00:26:22.640
You know what?

607
00:26:22.640 --> 00:26:25.720
I don't know that I would have had the guts to say that unless you brought it up Renee,

608
00:26:25.720 --> 00:26:27.760
but I really have the guts to say it.

609
00:26:28.520 --> 00:26:33.160
So, whether it's talking about faith, whether it's talking about how you, you know, I mean,

610
00:26:33.160 --> 00:26:37.240
I'm not saying you talk about your finances and how to raise kids, but some of those very

611
00:26:37.240 --> 00:26:42.560
core things that are super important to you, I think it's okay to start having that conversation

612
00:26:42.560 --> 00:26:45.480
of that and seeing where their comfort lies.

613
00:26:45.480 --> 00:26:48.280
Now they might say, gosh, I'm not ready to talk about that yet.

614
00:26:48.280 --> 00:26:52.080
And you can say, okay, and then you can kind of decide, but hold that hope that answers

615
00:26:52.080 --> 00:26:53.080
your question.

616
00:26:53.080 --> 00:26:55.400
I feel like you guys are far enough along.

617
00:26:55.400 --> 00:26:57.440
You both have a strong faith.

618
00:26:58.120 --> 00:27:02.280
There should be nothing wrong with it, but I would say ask, like offer all of it to him

619
00:27:02.280 --> 00:27:04.800
and see which one he wants to do.

620
00:27:04.800 --> 00:27:08.160
So if he says, you know, let's just start praying together or let's just start reading

621
00:27:08.160 --> 00:27:09.160
scripture together.

622
00:27:09.160 --> 00:27:12.560
Or it might be as simple as you guys don't go to the same church because you're both

623
00:27:12.560 --> 00:27:13.560
long distance.

624
00:27:13.560 --> 00:27:18.760
Hey, you know, why don't you, you know, why don't I, why don't we watch each other's sermons

625
00:27:18.760 --> 00:27:21.160
and we can, you know, ask questions or talk about it.

626
00:27:21.160 --> 00:27:23.960
Like sometimes talking about a sermon is the best.

627
00:27:23.960 --> 00:27:27.360
I have found the easiest way to start talking about faith with a guy.

628
00:27:27.360 --> 00:27:30.440
You both watch the same sermon and you're like, all right, so what kind of stood out

629
00:27:30.440 --> 00:27:31.440
for you?

630
00:27:31.440 --> 00:27:32.440
Oh yeah.

631
00:27:32.440 --> 00:27:33.440
That stood out for me too.

632
00:27:33.440 --> 00:27:34.440
Well, what stood out for you?

633
00:27:34.440 --> 00:27:35.440
You know, what part did you like?

634
00:27:35.440 --> 00:27:37.600
What part did you get a little bit confused with?

635
00:27:37.600 --> 00:27:42.120
So sometimes just talking about a sermon is a great way to start as opposed to diving

636
00:27:42.120 --> 00:27:46.640
into a Bible study, unless that's already part of his story.

637
00:27:46.640 --> 00:27:47.640
Awesome.

638
00:27:47.640 --> 00:27:48.640
Hope that helps.

639
00:27:48.640 --> 00:27:49.640
Perfect.

640
00:27:49.640 --> 00:27:50.640
Yeah.

641
00:27:50.640 --> 00:27:51.640
Thank you so much.

642
00:27:51.640 --> 00:27:52.640
You got it, sweetie.

643
00:27:52.640 --> 00:27:53.640
Brenda.

644
00:27:54.320 --> 00:28:00.400
Hey, I'm still kind of new to all this dating and I, on Facebook dating, probably a few

645
00:28:00.400 --> 00:28:06.800
weeks ago, somebody liked me, but just felt kind of intimidated by him cause he talked

646
00:28:06.800 --> 00:28:11.080
about how he's a fitness guy and he has all these pictures of his muscles.

647
00:28:11.080 --> 00:28:15.960
And then he has a, he's a triathlons, triathletes who has picture of his bike and the wall of

648
00:28:15.960 --> 00:28:18.120
all his races that he's done.

649
00:28:18.120 --> 00:28:26.000
And I thought, okay, how it just felt like, you know, I just assumed that it would be

650
00:28:26.000 --> 00:28:27.000
too much.

651
00:28:27.000 --> 00:28:28.560
It wouldn't be a good fit based on that.

652
00:28:28.560 --> 00:28:33.640
So I didn't know, just wanted some feedback as I'm learning to kind of discern people's

653
00:28:33.640 --> 00:28:34.640
profiles.

654
00:28:34.640 --> 00:28:39.000
I hesitated for like probably four days and I finally clicked like, and he didn't take

655
00:28:39.000 --> 00:28:40.000
it beyond that.

656
00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:41.000
He's probably moved on.

657
00:28:41.000 --> 00:28:42.000
So.

658
00:28:42.000 --> 00:28:43.000
Yeah.

659
00:28:43.000 --> 00:28:45.160
I will say this.

660
00:28:45.160 --> 00:28:52.600
I have learned for me now that I've done the online thing pretty steadily for the last

661
00:28:52.600 --> 00:28:54.720
two years in this program, more than I ever did.

662
00:28:54.720 --> 00:28:58.120
I've done online dating before online dating existed, right?

663
00:28:58.120 --> 00:28:59.160
Off and on over the years.

664
00:28:59.160 --> 00:29:02.760
And I do it for three months and I hate it and then I get off and like whatever.

665
00:29:02.760 --> 00:29:04.920
And sometimes three years later I get back on.

666
00:29:04.920 --> 00:29:08.920
This is the longest I've done it the most consistently and I definitely do it different

667
00:29:08.920 --> 00:29:11.000
than I ever did before.

668
00:29:11.000 --> 00:29:14.760
I could not tell you how many profiles I've liked.

669
00:29:14.760 --> 00:29:16.280
That's how many I've liked.

670
00:29:16.280 --> 00:29:17.280
I couldn't tell you.

671
00:29:17.280 --> 00:29:21.400
I couldn't tell you how many have swiped left or right on me.

672
00:29:21.400 --> 00:29:26.800
I can't tell you how many guys have stopped talking to me like mid conversation or after

673
00:29:26.800 --> 00:29:27.800
the first day.

674
00:29:27.800 --> 00:29:30.920
I can't tell you how many scammers I've encountered.

675
00:29:30.920 --> 00:29:32.320
It's just a lot.

676
00:29:32.320 --> 00:29:33.320
And you know what?

677
00:29:33.320 --> 00:29:37.080
If I only focused on that, I would have given up a long time ago.

678
00:29:37.080 --> 00:29:42.720
What I really try to notice are the times I can get into a good conversation with somebody,

679
00:29:42.720 --> 00:29:47.400
and have a good video conversation with them, or go out on a first date, learn more about

680
00:29:47.400 --> 00:29:49.360
them and learn more about myself.

681
00:29:49.360 --> 00:29:55.940
So the first thing I wanted you to do, Brenda, is not worry about the outcome.

682
00:29:55.940 --> 00:29:59.960
If it's even a remote possibility that you might like his profile.

683
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:06.000
profile, and you want to like him first, like him, and then let it go.

684
00:30:06.000 --> 00:30:07.400
Like just let it go.

685
00:30:07.400 --> 00:30:11.120
If he doesn't pick you, you have no blessed idea why.

686
00:30:11.120 --> 00:30:12.520
Here's the interesting thing.

687
00:30:12.520 --> 00:30:18.680
I personally, and I know not all women do this, I personally only look at the profiles

688
00:30:18.680 --> 00:30:21.640
of the guys that have already liked me first.

689
00:30:21.640 --> 00:30:24.200
I want to know that he at least saw my photo.

690
00:30:24.200 --> 00:30:28.680
He probably didn't read a dang thing I wrote in my profile, but he at least saw my first

691
00:30:28.680 --> 00:30:30.880
photo and thought, oh, she's cute.

692
00:30:30.880 --> 00:30:33.840
Because this is how fast I think guys decide.

693
00:30:33.840 --> 00:30:37.800
Hot, not hot, hot, not hot.

694
00:30:37.800 --> 00:30:38.800
Swear to God.

695
00:30:38.800 --> 00:30:44.080
I literally think they take three seconds to decide on us.

696
00:30:44.080 --> 00:30:46.280
And they're not worrying like we are.

697
00:30:46.280 --> 00:30:47.680
Oh, well, you know what?

698
00:30:47.680 --> 00:30:50.360
She says she likes dinner and theater.

699
00:30:50.360 --> 00:30:51.560
I don't really like theater.

700
00:30:51.560 --> 00:30:53.160
He ain't doing all that kind of analysis.

701
00:30:53.160 --> 00:30:54.940
I promise you, he's not.

702
00:30:54.940 --> 00:31:01.780
So in that first sweep, he's probably saying yes to anybody that's a maybe.

703
00:31:01.780 --> 00:31:03.500
And you know what the truth is now?

704
00:31:03.500 --> 00:31:06.100
I say yes to anybody that's a maybe.

705
00:31:06.100 --> 00:31:11.100
Because in Facebook dating, you can't get to the next profile until you decide.

706
00:31:11.100 --> 00:31:16.540
Some of them will let you like wait on the decision, but some of these stupid apps now

707
00:31:16.540 --> 00:31:18.380
make you decide yes, no right away.

708
00:31:18.380 --> 00:31:20.620
And I'm like, yes, no, yes, no.

709
00:31:20.620 --> 00:31:25.500
So unless he looks like a complete weirdo or creep, I just choose yes.

710
00:31:25.500 --> 00:31:32.980
So guys like me first, I like them back, and then I never hear from them again.

711
00:31:32.980 --> 00:31:35.900
I can't even tell you the number because I've just stopped worrying about it.

712
00:31:35.900 --> 00:31:41.540
So I'm just going to encourage you, Brenda, if it's a maybe, say yes.

713
00:31:41.540 --> 00:31:44.980
But also, I'm going to give you a little story and do not prejudge them.

714
00:31:44.980 --> 00:31:49.620
So there was a guy, totally hot in my area.

715
00:31:49.620 --> 00:31:51.340
He had all the triathlon photos, too.

716
00:31:51.340 --> 00:31:53.300
Now, I used to do triathlons.

717
00:31:53.300 --> 00:31:55.940
And I'm in a season of getting back in shape.

718
00:31:55.940 --> 00:32:00.180
But I know if I stood up against a triathlete right now, he'd be like, all right, girl,

719
00:32:00.180 --> 00:32:02.660
you got a little bit more weight there to lose.

720
00:32:02.660 --> 00:32:07.520
And so he hit every box of why I should have said yes to him.

721
00:32:07.520 --> 00:32:10.780
But I let my own security say no.

722
00:32:10.780 --> 00:32:11.780
So I swiped.

723
00:32:11.780 --> 00:32:12.780
He liked me first.

724
00:32:12.780 --> 00:32:15.180
Mind you, he liked me first.

725
00:32:15.180 --> 00:32:19.420
And I still swiped left because I thought, he's going to see me in person and think I'm

726
00:32:20.220 --> 00:32:21.220
too fluffy.

727
00:32:21.220 --> 00:32:26.260
Wouldn't you know, seven months later, he shows up with his girlfriend on my Israel

728
00:32:26.260 --> 00:32:27.260
trip.

729
00:32:27.260 --> 00:32:28.940
He's on my Israel trip.

730
00:32:28.940 --> 00:32:32.940
And he is just as hot in person as he was in the photo.

731
00:32:32.940 --> 00:32:34.300
And guess what?

732
00:32:34.300 --> 00:32:38.700
His now girlfriend that he met in Texas was with him.

733
00:32:38.700 --> 00:32:43.100
Y'all, she could have been my identical twin.

734
00:32:43.100 --> 00:32:47.420
And I thought, are you kidding me?

735
00:32:47.420 --> 00:32:54.300
So like, it just made me realize I should have given him a chance to turn me down.

736
00:32:54.300 --> 00:33:00.820
And clearly, he's not my guy, because Jackie promises to tell us all of the time that if

737
00:33:00.820 --> 00:33:05.240
he's your guy, you can't screw it up, you can't screw it up.

738
00:33:05.240 --> 00:33:07.300
But that was a really good lesson to me, Brenda.

739
00:33:07.300 --> 00:33:10.180
And I hope that's good for the rest of you, too.

740
00:33:10.180 --> 00:33:12.680
Don't assume he's going to turn you down.

741
00:33:12.680 --> 00:33:14.220
You don't know that.

742
00:33:14.220 --> 00:33:15.220
You don't know that.

743
00:33:15.220 --> 00:33:19.660
Now, he might, but we really have nothing to lose.

744
00:33:19.660 --> 00:33:21.060
OK, great.

745
00:33:21.060 --> 00:33:21.560
Stacey.

746
00:33:24.580 --> 00:33:25.700
Hi, ladies.

747
00:33:25.700 --> 00:33:32.460
So I just wanted to share about, kind of do a contrast, as Renee was talking about going

748
00:33:32.460 --> 00:33:35.500
to church with someone, like who's churched.

749
00:33:35.500 --> 00:33:42.260
So I am talking to a man that is local that was introduced to me through one of my great

750
00:33:42.260 --> 00:33:43.180
friends.

751
00:33:43.180 --> 00:33:44.780
And she goes to church with him.

752
00:33:44.780 --> 00:33:46.420
She knows this man.

753
00:33:46.420 --> 00:33:53.700
And so she, my friend D went up to his name is Cord and said, Cord, you're single, right?

754
00:33:53.700 --> 00:33:55.380
He's like, yes, ma'am.

755
00:33:55.380 --> 00:33:57.540
And she said, I know someone who really loves God.

756
00:33:57.540 --> 00:33:58.460
Yes, ma'am.

757
00:33:58.460 --> 00:34:00.380
And she gave him my number.

758
00:34:00.380 --> 00:34:05.100
And he immediately reached out, actually got her in the chat.

759
00:34:05.100 --> 00:34:07.580
And then we've been talking and stuff.

760
00:34:07.580 --> 00:34:10.699
So number one about the prayer.

761
00:34:10.699 --> 00:34:12.020
OK, he's a man of God.

762
00:34:12.020 --> 00:34:13.300
I know he's a man of God.

763
00:34:13.300 --> 00:34:15.620
And I know his circle.

764
00:34:15.620 --> 00:34:17.340
So he had a procedure.

765
00:34:17.340 --> 00:34:20.179
And before he went on that procedure, I talked to him the night before.

766
00:34:20.179 --> 00:34:21.500
And I said, can I pray with you?

767
00:34:21.500 --> 00:34:24.139
So I prayed over him as he was going into a procedure.

768
00:34:24.139 --> 00:34:26.100
I don't think that there's anything wrong with that.

769
00:34:26.100 --> 00:34:27.020
It wasn't long.

770
00:34:27.020 --> 00:34:30.500
It was just like the blood of Jesus covers you.

771
00:34:30.500 --> 00:34:33.980
Holy Spirit covers the hands of the surgeon.

772
00:34:33.980 --> 00:34:35.940
So that was, I think that's OK, y'all.

773
00:34:35.940 --> 00:34:38.860
If someone's sick and you pray for them, I mean, that's biblical.

774
00:34:38.860 --> 00:34:42.580
Doesn't mean that all of a sudden you're going to have a bond and all that.

775
00:34:42.620 --> 00:34:48.500
So I think sometimes we take things way too seriously and like religiously.

776
00:34:48.500 --> 00:34:51.219
And it doesn't have to be like that.

777
00:34:51.580 --> 00:34:52.900
Second thing, church.

778
00:34:52.900 --> 00:34:56.860
So then this week I was talking to him and I was talking to him last night.

779
00:34:56.860 --> 00:34:59.780
And he's like, so I'm going to church.

780
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:05.240
Sunday. And if you would like to, if you want to come and sit

781
00:35:05.360 --> 00:35:09.440
like between me and D or. And so I said, so court, are you

782
00:35:09.440 --> 00:35:12.320
asking me to come to church with you and sit by you? He said,

783
00:35:12.320 --> 00:35:15.120
yes, if you want to, he goes, whatever you're comfortable

784
00:35:15.120 --> 00:35:18.800
with. But we haven't met face to face yet. And I've looked up

785
00:35:18.840 --> 00:35:21.960
looked him up on Facebook. I know what he looks like. And

786
00:35:21.960 --> 00:35:24.840
he's handsome. He said he doesn't have any clue. And he

787
00:35:24.840 --> 00:35:28.240
doesn't like social media. He's rudimentary with all those

788
00:35:28.240 --> 00:35:31.480
things. You know, he's four years older than me. So he

789
00:35:31.480 --> 00:35:33.280
ain't thinking about all that. And I'm like, you don't even

790
00:35:33.280 --> 00:35:36.760
know what I look like. And he's like, well, I'm you know what,

791
00:35:36.760 --> 00:35:39.280
Stacey, we're at the age where I'm basing things on more on the

792
00:35:39.280 --> 00:35:43.400
heart of someone, you know, so he does not know how hot I am

793
00:35:43.400 --> 00:35:43.840
yet.

794
00:35:46.600 --> 00:35:49.720
I love it. And again, say, I love that you kind of affirm

795
00:35:49.720 --> 00:35:54.240
that. So Jackie is going to give us guidelines and answers. It

796
00:35:54.240 --> 00:35:57.600
doesn't mean that has to be the answer every single time in

797
00:35:57.600 --> 00:36:01.280
every situation, because I was on a zoom date with a guy. And

798
00:36:01.280 --> 00:36:04.080
he started to get weepy about something going on with his

799
00:36:04.080 --> 00:36:07.520
daughter. And I know he's a believer. And so I literally

800
00:36:07.520 --> 00:36:10.400
just said, Hey, would you be okay, if I just prayed for you

801
00:36:10.400 --> 00:36:13.080
right now? And he's like, Oh, my gosh, I would love that. Now, if

802
00:36:13.080 --> 00:36:15.400
he said, Oh, that would make me uncomfortable, but I'm not a

803
00:36:15.400 --> 00:36:17.960
problem. Like, you know, I mean, like, always ask for the

804
00:36:17.960 --> 00:36:19.720
invitation to do it. Sure.

805
00:36:20.480 --> 00:36:24.000
I want to add one thing, Renee, I'm almost done. You're good.

806
00:36:24.800 --> 00:36:30.400
And so what I decided is because I know that church, I know the

807
00:36:30.400 --> 00:36:33.560
people in that church, I know the leadership there. And I

808
00:36:33.560 --> 00:36:36.320
don't want to all of a sudden show up on the first row,

809
00:36:36.320 --> 00:36:40.720
because I'm, you know, I'm very churched. I was on staff at a

810
00:36:40.720 --> 00:36:43.760
church for 16 years. I know a lot of people in this community.

811
00:36:44.000 --> 00:36:47.320
I didn't want to all of a sudden show up, meet this guy for the

812
00:36:47.320 --> 00:36:50.760
first time on the front row of church. So I said, You know

813
00:36:50.760 --> 00:36:55.000
what, I don't want to do that. Not this week. So what we're

814
00:36:55.000 --> 00:36:57.320
going to do is we're going to meet up on Tuesday night for

815
00:36:57.320 --> 00:37:01.240
dinner or for a beer or something like that. So I think

816
00:37:01.240 --> 00:37:05.400
that if someone is interested in you, that they're going to

817
00:37:05.400 --> 00:37:08.080
respect that decision either way. Because if he was like,

818
00:37:08.080 --> 00:37:11.080
Well, then forget it. You don't want Well, then he's not my guy.

819
00:37:11.560 --> 00:37:11.920
Yeah.

820
00:37:13.400 --> 00:37:17.600
Yeah, I agree. I agree. That's good. That's good. That's good.

821
00:37:17.600 --> 00:37:20.240
Stacy. Really good. Sandy, what's your question?

822
00:37:25.120 --> 00:37:30.640
Yeah, yeah. So yeah, it's it's more of a situation. I need

823
00:37:30.640 --> 00:37:35.280
clarity on because today marks exactly one month that I've been

824
00:37:35.280 --> 00:37:40.520
talking and dating with this guy. We date at least two to

825
00:37:40.520 --> 00:37:45.320
three times a week. We talk almost every night. He's joined

826
00:37:45.320 --> 00:37:51.880
1822. I'm really a nice guy. I can see he's really into me. I

827
00:37:51.880 --> 00:37:55.720
don't have any, any doubt about that. But he's very impulsive.

828
00:37:56.040 --> 00:37:59.680
And he's coming across very insecure. And for me, it's

829
00:37:59.680 --> 00:38:02.520
triggering me. And I know it's me. It's me, right? Because I

830
00:38:02.520 --> 00:38:04.560
mean, he didn't want to hold my hand on the first day. I was

831
00:38:04.560 --> 00:38:07.160
like, dude, I'm not ready for that. He asked me if he wanted

832
00:38:07.160 --> 00:38:09.880
to be exclusive. And I said, baby steps like I we were just

833
00:38:09.880 --> 00:38:11.960
getting to know each other like Lewis, come on, like, slow it

834
00:38:11.960 --> 00:38:15.800
down. And so, you know, then he went radio silent for like three

835
00:38:15.800 --> 00:38:18.360
days. And then of course, we had the conversation like what did

836
00:38:18.360 --> 00:38:21.200
you exactly understand when I said slow it down. And so now

837
00:38:21.200 --> 00:38:24.640
we're dating like, you know, pretty intensely, right. And I

838
00:38:24.640 --> 00:38:28.080
would say like, we are exclusive without having to put a label on

839
00:38:28.080 --> 00:38:30.800
it. Like I don't feel I need to put a label on it. Then he went

840
00:38:30.800 --> 00:38:34.240
and he changed his Facebook status in relationship with me

841
00:38:34.280 --> 00:38:38.760
tagged me on it. And I left it pending. And so he's like, well,

842
00:38:38.880 --> 00:38:41.880
um, are you going to confirm? And I'm like, No, I'm not going

843
00:38:41.880 --> 00:38:44.480
to confirm. I'm not ready for that. Like, I'm just not ready

844
00:38:44.480 --> 00:38:48.400
for that. And so finally, I took his hand for the first time. He

845
00:38:48.400 --> 00:38:51.000
looks so cute, like three weeks in, he just came in and with his

846
00:38:51.000 --> 00:38:54.480
little t shirt and his jeans. And he was so cute. I took his

847
00:38:54.480 --> 00:38:57.320
hand when we went into the movie theater. I felt ready for that.

848
00:38:57.320 --> 00:39:02.120
Right? Then we then he he I for some reason, he understood that

849
00:39:02.120 --> 00:39:05.000
like now he put a short arm over my shoulder, which to me makes

850
00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:08.520
me feel uncomfortable. I'm not ready for that. I'm just like, I

851
00:39:08.520 --> 00:39:11.920
need space. Like I need some. I'm not ready to walk in tandem

852
00:39:11.920 --> 00:39:17.080
with you like that, you know. But now it's like, I feel like

853
00:39:17.080 --> 00:39:21.800
he makes me feel guilty for not being at the same pace as he is.

854
00:39:22.120 --> 00:39:25.360
And today I got a message from him after I send them this

855
00:39:25.360 --> 00:39:28.440
picture. You know, I went out with my friend this cute little

856
00:39:28.440 --> 00:39:30.480
picture with me with my hat on, you know, he's all you look

857
00:39:30.480 --> 00:39:33.280
beautiful. And he's like, so complimenting. And then on the

858
00:39:33.280 --> 00:39:36.960
next breath, he said, I said, Oh, I thought that was so I said

859
00:39:36.960 --> 00:39:39.960
that was so sweet. You know, thank you. I said, God knows

860
00:39:39.960 --> 00:39:42.360
exactly what we need. Because he said, I'm a lucky man. I said,

861
00:39:42.360 --> 00:39:45.680
Yeah, God knows what we need. And he goes, Well, you haven't

862
00:39:45.680 --> 00:39:49.800
exactly said that I'm your person. And then crickets

863
00:39:49.800 --> 00:39:52.680
because I'm I'm out with my friends. So I don't I didn't

864
00:39:52.680 --> 00:39:56.040
even see the message. Then an hour later, he said, but I'm

865
00:39:56.040 --> 00:39:59.160
gonna listen to what the Lord said and relax and take it easy.

866
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:01.800
But he says that, but he doesn't.

867
00:40:01.800 --> 00:40:04.920
And so I'm like, I was like not furious,

868
00:40:04.920 --> 00:40:07.280
but I was like, I'm feeling manipulated

869
00:40:07.280 --> 00:40:09.400
and I don't like that feeling.

870
00:40:09.400 --> 00:40:13.360
And I'm feeling like guilty because he's feeling this way

871
00:40:13.360 --> 00:40:17.180
and I'm not there and I really like him.

872
00:40:17.180 --> 00:40:20.640
I really, really like him, but I don't,

873
00:40:20.640 --> 00:40:23.400
I can't deal with the insecurities.

874
00:40:23.400 --> 00:40:27.560
Like it's just like, it's a put off.

875
00:40:27.560 --> 00:40:30.560
Yeah, I mean, so he's new to 1822

876
00:40:30.560 --> 00:40:32.600
and are they just starting the heart work?

877
00:40:32.600 --> 00:40:33.880
Aren't they, aren't the guys just-

878
00:40:33.880 --> 00:40:36.160
I think they're finishing week two.

879
00:40:36.160 --> 00:40:40.240
They did the heart, the check-in for week one.

880
00:40:40.240 --> 00:40:44.200
And I think this, no, this-

881
00:40:44.200 --> 00:40:47.240
So remember when we did heart work, you guys,

882
00:40:47.240 --> 00:40:50.520
we went on a dating sabbatical for five weeks

883
00:40:50.520 --> 00:40:55.520
because heart work is pulling up a bunch of stuff

884
00:40:55.880 --> 00:40:58.880
and it's gonna bring up all our wounds, our triggers,

885
00:40:58.880 --> 00:41:01.040
the stuff that needs to get healing.

886
00:41:01.040 --> 00:41:05.680
He's trying to date you while he's doing the heart work.

887
00:41:05.680 --> 00:41:09.500
So you may need to give him some grace

888
00:41:09.500 --> 00:41:11.860
that he's getting extra triggered.

889
00:41:11.860 --> 00:41:14.200
But I do think it's okay for us to,

890
00:41:14.200 --> 00:41:17.520
I think it keeps going back to ask for what you need.

891
00:41:17.520 --> 00:41:21.760
We all, if I polled all 36 women

892
00:41:21.760 --> 00:41:24.800
about what do you think is more intimate,

893
00:41:24.800 --> 00:41:27.160
hugging, touching, kissing?

894
00:41:27.160 --> 00:41:28.600
Like you guys, we used to do this

895
00:41:28.600 --> 00:41:30.080
with the high school students

896
00:41:30.080 --> 00:41:31.640
when we went into the classroom.

897
00:41:31.640 --> 00:41:33.880
What do you think is the most intimate thing

898
00:41:33.880 --> 00:41:36.060
to the least intimate thing?

899
00:41:36.060 --> 00:41:39.200
And you would be shocked at what teenagers think

900
00:41:39.200 --> 00:41:42.640
is not intimate at all, that you and I would say,

901
00:41:42.640 --> 00:41:45.360
woo, like that's really intimate.

902
00:41:45.360 --> 00:41:47.760
And so what you think is intimate

903
00:41:47.760 --> 00:41:49.680
may not match what he thinks is intimate.

904
00:41:49.680 --> 00:41:54.200
So you probably need to A, give him some space and grace

905
00:41:54.240 --> 00:41:56.960
that he's gonna be really sensitive right now

906
00:41:56.960 --> 00:41:58.640
while he's going through the heart work.

907
00:41:58.640 --> 00:41:59.640
Two, just say, hey, Lewis,

908
00:41:59.640 --> 00:42:03.080
I really think we need to kind of talk about right now.

909
00:42:03.080 --> 00:42:05.240
I feel like, and you have to decide,

910
00:42:05.240 --> 00:42:07.040
are we in level two or level three dating?

911
00:42:07.040 --> 00:42:08.400
And you might decide like,

912
00:42:08.400 --> 00:42:10.600
I do think we're in level three dating.

913
00:42:10.600 --> 00:42:12.280
That is exclusive dating.

914
00:42:12.280 --> 00:42:14.460
It is a bit more intentional,

915
00:42:14.460 --> 00:42:17.280
but let's talk about physical boundaries.

916
00:42:17.280 --> 00:42:20.040
Let's talk about boundaries like things on Facebook

917
00:42:20.040 --> 00:42:23.440
because I'd rather talk to you about them at the front end

918
00:42:23.440 --> 00:42:27.400
than have you react and feel like it means something.

919
00:42:27.400 --> 00:42:31.800
Or if we don't talk about something,

920
00:42:31.800 --> 00:42:34.100
you get to ask me what it means.

921
00:42:34.100 --> 00:42:38.560
So if you put your arm around me and I move it,

922
00:42:38.560 --> 00:42:42.640
you're allowed to say, hey, Sandy, what does that mean?

923
00:42:42.640 --> 00:42:45.400
Because I think it means you don't like me.

924
00:42:45.400 --> 00:42:47.720
What do you think it means?

925
00:42:47.720 --> 00:42:48.560
Do you know what I'm saying?

926
00:42:48.560 --> 00:42:52.160
So we all think that means something different.

927
00:42:52.160 --> 00:42:55.800
And depending on his dating past,

928
00:42:56.800 --> 00:42:59.360
he might be defining all of those things

929
00:42:59.360 --> 00:43:01.720
as she likes me, she likes me, she likes me.

930
00:43:01.720 --> 00:43:02.600
She doesn't like me.

931
00:43:02.600 --> 00:43:03.440
She doesn't like me.

932
00:43:03.440 --> 00:43:04.560
She doesn't like me.

933
00:43:04.560 --> 00:43:07.800
So you two have to learn each other's language.

934
00:43:07.800 --> 00:43:08.640
All right.

935
00:43:08.640 --> 00:43:09.600
So that was like-

936
00:43:09.600 --> 00:43:11.120
You know how like, if you've been,

937
00:43:11.120 --> 00:43:13.520
for those of you that have been married,

938
00:43:13.520 --> 00:43:16.280
or you were in a relationship for a really long time,

939
00:43:16.280 --> 00:43:19.480
like you guys, I dated my first love.

940
00:43:19.480 --> 00:43:22.200
He was the first guy I kissed in high school.

941
00:43:22.200 --> 00:43:24.840
We ended up at the same college.

942
00:43:24.840 --> 00:43:26.160
I mean, we had broken up by the time

943
00:43:26.160 --> 00:43:27.320
we got to the same college.

944
00:43:27.320 --> 00:43:29.080
We didn't see each other for four years.

945
00:43:29.080 --> 00:43:30.880
Somehow in our senior year,

946
00:43:30.880 --> 00:43:33.080
we bumped into each other again.

947
00:43:33.080 --> 00:43:36.560
And we had both kissed other people in between that.

948
00:43:36.560 --> 00:43:37.400
But there was some,

949
00:43:37.400 --> 00:43:40.000
it was like putting on an old shoe, kissing him again.

950
00:43:40.000 --> 00:43:43.080
It was like, oh my gosh, this is how I used to kiss.

951
00:43:43.080 --> 00:43:45.640
And so I think that's just where again,

952
00:43:45.640 --> 00:43:46.480
we're all over-

953
00:43:46.480 --> 00:43:47.600
I don't have an answer for that.

954
00:43:47.640 --> 00:43:49.840
Is there something else I can't help with?

955
00:43:49.840 --> 00:43:52.600
That's why my computer's talking to us.

956
00:43:52.600 --> 00:43:57.600
It's kind of freaky, big brother's listening.

957
00:43:59.160 --> 00:44:00.360
Right?

958
00:44:00.360 --> 00:44:03.960
So all that to say, we're again, we are the over 50.

959
00:44:03.960 --> 00:44:05.880
So we are all coming to the table.

960
00:44:05.880 --> 00:44:07.960
Most of us are coming into the table

961
00:44:07.960 --> 00:44:10.000
with a lot of dating history,

962
00:44:10.000 --> 00:44:12.560
probably more than we want to admit to.

963
00:44:12.560 --> 00:44:15.760
And so we have to be more honest

964
00:44:15.800 --> 00:44:17.840
with the person that we're dating.

965
00:44:17.840 --> 00:44:20.840
And so I would just say, Sandy, just keep being honest,

966
00:44:20.840 --> 00:44:21.880
keep giving him grace.

967
00:44:21.880 --> 00:44:23.720
And you might even say to him, look,

968
00:44:23.720 --> 00:44:26.920
when I did the heart work, we were on a dating sabbatical.

969
00:44:26.920 --> 00:44:27.760
So you know what?

970
00:44:27.760 --> 00:44:30.400
I'm gonna actually kind of give you space and grace, dude.

971
00:44:30.400 --> 00:44:33.120
Like we're gonna see each other once a week.

972
00:44:33.120 --> 00:44:34.760
I want you to have some nights off

973
00:44:34.760 --> 00:44:36.440
where you can be alone with God,

974
00:44:36.440 --> 00:44:40.440
or you can invest in all that 1822 is offering

975
00:44:40.440 --> 00:44:43.400
so that you have other men to talk to.

976
00:44:43.400 --> 00:44:45.560
Or, you know, I think this is a good question

977
00:44:45.560 --> 00:44:47.120
for you to put in the men's group

978
00:44:47.120 --> 00:44:49.400
and see what some of the other men might say.

979
00:44:49.400 --> 00:44:52.040
So you don't have to do all of the quote, unquote,

980
00:44:52.040 --> 00:44:54.000
teaching from, I don't know, I hope that helps.

981
00:44:54.000 --> 00:44:54.840
Would that help a little bit?

982
00:44:54.840 --> 00:44:57.280
Yeah, yeah, cause we've had that conversation about,

983
00:44:57.280 --> 00:44:59.840
you know, just ask me, you know, just ask me.

984
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:02.600
And we've talked about the boundaries,

985
00:45:02.600 --> 00:45:04.140
like I'm not ready for certain things.

986
00:45:04.140 --> 00:45:05.840
So he goes, well, then I'll take your lead.

987
00:45:05.840 --> 00:45:08.120
But then he doesn't, like it's...

988
00:45:08.120 --> 00:45:11.760
Anyway, thank you for reminding me that he's in hard work.

989
00:45:11.760 --> 00:45:13.280
I forgot, you know, like for a minute,

990
00:45:13.280 --> 00:45:16.080
because I was so wrapped up in my feeling manipulated

991
00:45:16.080 --> 00:45:18.200
and everything that I just forgot that he's in hard work.

992
00:45:18.200 --> 00:45:20.240
And yeah, thanks for the reminder.

993
00:45:20.240 --> 00:45:22.480
And you guys, when we say the word manipulation,

994
00:45:22.480 --> 00:45:23.440
it's really kind of funny,

995
00:45:23.440 --> 00:45:24.880
because when I read the book,

996
00:45:24.880 --> 00:45:27.640
Codependent No More for the first time in my 20s,

997
00:45:27.640 --> 00:45:29.680
so really long time ago,

998
00:45:29.720 --> 00:45:32.480
I learned, gosh, I'm a people pleaser,

999
00:45:32.480 --> 00:45:35.040
I'm codependent, I care about everybody else.

1000
00:45:35.040 --> 00:45:37.560
It took many years before I also heard the word

1001
00:45:37.560 --> 00:45:40.200
that's also attached with codependent and people pleasing.

1002
00:45:40.200 --> 00:45:41.600
Guess what the word is?

1003
00:45:41.600 --> 00:45:43.200
Manipulative.

1004
00:45:43.200 --> 00:45:46.080
If you're a codependent and you are so desperate

1005
00:45:46.080 --> 00:45:48.920
to make everybody else in the room happy,

1006
00:45:48.920 --> 00:45:50.960
you technically become manipulative,

1007
00:45:50.960 --> 00:45:53.400
because for you to feel safe,

1008
00:45:53.400 --> 00:45:57.040
you will behave in a loving and serving way,

1009
00:45:57.080 --> 00:45:59.240
because you want to start to change

1010
00:45:59.240 --> 00:46:02.440
the way other people are behaving or treating you.

1011
00:46:02.440 --> 00:46:06.760
So in even a people pleasing personality,

1012
00:46:06.760 --> 00:46:08.840
we can become manipulative.

1013
00:46:08.840 --> 00:46:11.760
So we're all guilty of manipulation.

1014
00:46:11.760 --> 00:46:14.640
And usually there's a covert manipulation and over,

1015
00:46:14.640 --> 00:46:17.720
and sometimes it's very narcissistic manipulation,

1016
00:46:17.720 --> 00:46:19.760
it's very front attack,

1017
00:46:19.760 --> 00:46:22.280
but sometimes it's, I'm trying to feel safe.

1018
00:46:22.280 --> 00:46:25.680
My suspicion, I don't know this very well,

1019
00:46:25.680 --> 00:46:27.400
but just by the way you're describing it

1020
00:46:27.400 --> 00:46:29.640
and the fact that he's going through heartwork,

1021
00:46:29.640 --> 00:46:32.080
my suspicion is his manipulation

1022
00:46:32.080 --> 00:46:35.120
is coming from a place of fear, anxiety,

1023
00:46:35.120 --> 00:46:36.600
trying to feel safe,

1024
00:46:36.600 --> 00:46:38.640
not because he's intentionally trying

1025
00:46:38.640 --> 00:46:40.720
to get one over on you.

1026
00:46:40.720 --> 00:46:42.160
Yeah.

1027
00:46:42.160 --> 00:46:43.000
Yeah.

1028
00:46:43.000 --> 00:46:45.600
I mean, I was, I did finally hold his hand.

1029
00:46:45.600 --> 00:46:48.960
I did invite him, I did introduce him to my BFF.

1030
00:46:48.960 --> 00:46:52.000
I did take him to worship night last night.

1031
00:46:52.000 --> 00:46:54.800
Like we had a great, amazing worship night,

1032
00:46:54.800 --> 00:46:56.280
for the first time I'm introducing him

1033
00:46:56.280 --> 00:46:58.360
to my church family, you know?

1034
00:46:58.360 --> 00:47:02.200
And then today he sent that message up next.

1035
00:47:02.200 --> 00:47:03.960
But you guys, isn't that a great,

1036
00:47:03.960 --> 00:47:06.400
isn't that a great reminder to all of us?

1037
00:47:06.400 --> 00:47:09.000
How many of us have been the Lewis?

1038
00:47:09.000 --> 00:47:12.600
How many of us have gotten scared

1039
00:47:12.600 --> 00:47:15.000
in these early parts of the dating

1040
00:47:15.000 --> 00:47:16.480
and in our fear,

1041
00:47:16.480 --> 00:47:21.480
we resort back to old methods of feeling safe again.

1042
00:47:21.480 --> 00:47:24.240
That's exactly why Jackie always says

1043
00:47:24.280 --> 00:47:26.760
hurt in relationships, healed in relationships.

1044
00:47:26.760 --> 00:47:30.320
I never could understand why I would do all this therapy,

1045
00:47:30.320 --> 00:47:32.200
read all the self-help books,

1046
00:47:32.200 --> 00:47:34.120
and I would seem so empowered.

1047
00:47:34.120 --> 00:47:36.040
I would start dating somebody,

1048
00:47:36.040 --> 00:47:38.400
my triggers would get enacted,

1049
00:47:38.400 --> 00:47:41.200
and I couldn't figure out why I was going back

1050
00:47:41.200 --> 00:47:42.360
to my old habits.

1051
00:47:42.360 --> 00:47:44.960
It's because I had to learn

1052
00:47:44.960 --> 00:47:48.280
how to deal with my triggers healthy.

1053
00:47:48.280 --> 00:47:50.240
That it is normal for them to come.

1054
00:47:50.240 --> 00:47:53.320
So it's normal for your triggers to be hitting you, Sandy,

1055
00:47:53.320 --> 00:47:55.400
and it's normal for his to be hitting.

1056
00:47:55.400 --> 00:47:58.120
And so isn't this a good reminder

1057
00:47:58.120 --> 00:48:01.800
that if we don't rein in our own triggers,

1058
00:48:01.800 --> 00:48:04.320
we could potentially have the person

1059
00:48:04.320 --> 00:48:07.200
that could have been our person walk away from us

1060
00:48:07.200 --> 00:48:10.760
because they're starting to feel that tension.

1061
00:48:10.760 --> 00:48:11.960
And so that's just like,

1062
00:48:11.960 --> 00:48:14.080
so I don't feel bad for him as much as I go,

1063
00:48:14.080 --> 00:48:16.120
gosh, that's so been me.

1064
00:48:16.120 --> 00:48:19.240
Like I so started to get nervous Nellie,

1065
00:48:19.240 --> 00:48:20.920
and I start to lean in again,

1066
00:48:20.920 --> 00:48:23.320
because I've got more of that anxious attachment

1067
00:48:23.320 --> 00:48:25.200
that kind of leans in.

1068
00:48:25.200 --> 00:48:28.160
And Sandy, yours might be avoidant attachment.

1069
00:48:28.160 --> 00:48:29.760
So he's leaning in and you're like,

1070
00:48:29.760 --> 00:48:32.280
okay, slow down there buttercup.

1071
00:48:32.280 --> 00:48:35.920
So I think this is a good reminder for all of us,

1072
00:48:35.920 --> 00:48:38.560
hurt in relationships, healed in relationships.

1073
00:48:38.560 --> 00:48:43.080
It is normal, it is okay when we hit these bumps,

1074
00:48:43.080 --> 00:48:45.680
the goal is to just do it differently.

1075
00:48:45.680 --> 00:48:47.440
Yeah, I mean, I'm clearly triggered.

1076
00:48:47.440 --> 00:48:48.640
Like it just reminds me,

1077
00:48:48.640 --> 00:48:50.040
I feel like I'm dating my mother.

1078
00:48:50.280 --> 00:48:53.120
And, oh my gosh, no.

1079
00:48:53.120 --> 00:48:55.920
That's an opportunity for an upgrade.

1080
00:48:55.920 --> 00:48:57.480
It's a revealing for healing.

1081
00:48:57.480 --> 00:49:00.000
So you're getting triggered.

1082
00:49:00.000 --> 00:49:02.240
You can't affect his behavior.

1083
00:49:02.240 --> 00:49:05.520
You can affect why you're getting triggered

1084
00:49:05.520 --> 00:49:08.640
and how can you start responding differently?

1085
00:49:08.640 --> 00:49:10.880
So it's going back to that revealing for healing.

1086
00:49:10.880 --> 00:49:14.080
Like what's God trying to teach you about those triggers?

1087
00:49:14.080 --> 00:49:17.360
Because maybe God's allowing this to happen

1088
00:49:17.360 --> 00:49:19.080
for you to face these triggers

1089
00:49:19.080 --> 00:49:21.720
so that you can finally get healed from it.

1090
00:49:21.720 --> 00:49:24.480
Like you guys, the guy that I dated in California,

1091
00:49:24.480 --> 00:49:25.800
Jackie and I were just talking about it.

1092
00:49:25.800 --> 00:49:28.080
I needed to go through that dating relationship.

1093
00:49:28.080 --> 00:49:30.960
There were so many things I did different with him

1094
00:49:30.960 --> 00:49:33.120
and I did healthy that I'm like,

1095
00:49:33.120 --> 00:49:36.080
I'm so glad I got to practice them on him

1096
00:49:36.080 --> 00:49:39.160
because I'm like, wow, I really can let a guy lead.

1097
00:49:39.160 --> 00:49:41.480
I really can let him set the pace.

1098
00:49:41.480 --> 00:49:43.560
I can really not be controlling.

1099
00:49:43.560 --> 00:49:45.440
Like what, I mean, you know,

1100
00:49:45.440 --> 00:49:47.600
and so his loss that he didn't pick me, whatever,

1101
00:49:47.640 --> 00:49:49.200
he didn't even come out and fly out to see me.

1102
00:49:49.200 --> 00:49:51.200
You know, he missed, as they say,

1103
00:49:51.200 --> 00:49:52.800
he missed out on amazing me.

1104
00:49:52.800 --> 00:49:53.960
That's the way I see it.

1105
00:49:53.960 --> 00:49:56.040
But I learned so much from that

1106
00:49:56.040 --> 00:49:58.480
that I'm gonna take into this next relationship.

1107
00:49:58.480 --> 00:49:59.320
Awesome.

1108
00:49:59.320 --> 00:50:00.160
These are really good.

1109
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:14.000
Questions. I hope you guys are feeling like even if you're not the one asking them that you're getting some good noodles like some good like aha moments. I'm going to take this with you. So who else has like to get somebody different to somebody else.

1110
00:50:14.000 --> 00:50:26.000
It's we got 10 more minutes so we at least have room for one or two more folks who has a question, they would like to bring to the group.

1111
00:50:27.000 --> 00:50:31.000
Ruth, go ahead.

1112
00:50:31.000 --> 00:50:45.000
Hang on two seconds here. Okay, so when you start out with this dating process you got the hanky gets picked up, you start dating, you get reciprocation.

1113
00:50:45.000 --> 00:50:48.000
You get into level two level three.

1114
00:50:48.000 --> 00:50:51.000
Who does the, who says I love you first.

1115
00:50:51.000 --> 00:50:54.000
Does it matter.

1116
00:50:54.000 --> 00:51:01.000
I don't think it matters. I mean, as long as you can handle not hearing it back.

1117
00:51:01.000 --> 00:51:06.000
So you got to be ready that if you're going to plunk it down.

1118
00:51:06.000 --> 00:51:13.000
And they don't say I love you back. Can you be okay with that, you know, right, like you have to make sure.

1119
00:51:13.000 --> 00:51:30.000
I think what starts to happen is things like this, I really like you, I really like you. I really like this about you. I really like that about you and so the like statements start to come more often, and they start to get much more specific.

1120
00:51:31.000 --> 00:51:38.000
All right, Ruth. Yay. Is that where you guys are right now you're in that like, yeah.

1121
00:51:38.000 --> 00:51:44.000
How long has it been six months. Awesome.

1122
00:51:44.000 --> 00:51:47.000
Does he is he shy at all.

1123
00:51:47.000 --> 00:51:56.000
What do you mean by shy, like, like, for him saying I love you first do you feel like it's going to be hard for him to do it.

1124
00:51:57.000 --> 00:52:07.000
So it'll be interesting he's a bit of an overthinker. So, says it, I know he's like thoroughly thought this over, like, thoroughly, both sides of the coin.

1125
00:52:07.000 --> 00:52:21.000
He's pictured what could be down the road you, you know, that way. But a couple weeks ago we had this really nice afternoon we're just sitting in the park and playing crib time.

1126
00:52:21.000 --> 00:52:28.000
And then we just sort of laid back on the blanket and just looked at the clouds and just watch the clouds in the sky change.

1127
00:52:28.000 --> 00:52:45.000
There's a really nice day and then the next day I got a text saying I really enjoyed laying, lying down and watching the clouds with you and I got this pink, the pink floaty hearts emojis he uses emojis a lot very intentionally I went, Oh, what does the pink

1128
00:52:46.000 --> 00:52:56.000
And I think it means like love is in the air and that's like the first time I've ever had any inkling that, you know, there might be some, you know, deeper feelings.

1129
00:52:56.000 --> 00:53:00.000
We have these relationship check ins about once a month.

1130
00:53:00.000 --> 00:53:12.000
You know, say, yeah, how I'm feeling about things, you know, what could be better do you need more of this or that, you know, so, you know if you're having those check in conversations already.

1131
00:53:12.000 --> 00:53:22.000
It also might be good for you to ask him to say, you know, I don't know what kind of culture you grew up in, say, you know, was saying I love you.

1132
00:53:22.000 --> 00:53:38.000
Was that a big deal, growing up for you, not even just saying it to somebody of the opposite sex but did your parents you know did you know like, I want to learn a little as we're kind of progressing along, I want to learn how much you grew up being verbal

1133
00:53:39.000 --> 00:53:41.000
with saying stuff.

1134
00:53:41.000 --> 00:53:52.000
Did your parents say they loved you guys did you say it very often to each other was it now is this person's divorce never married widowed divorced.

1135
00:53:52.000 --> 00:54:01.000
Okay, so like he's got some dating history. And so you can say, you know, is that something that you think you're going to be afraid to say again.

1136
00:54:02.000 --> 00:54:12.000
You don't have to say it but you say it with words because, you know, I think that's good for us to know how we communicate, how we would communicate affection going forward.

1137
00:54:12.000 --> 00:54:27.000
Have you guys done the five love languages together. No, it's something that came up in like an hour on our second day because somebody was sort of seeing wanted to do that and I guess it's too soon for that, but it is something I sort of thought

1138
00:54:28.000 --> 00:54:42.000
it's a great it's also another great way to. Yeah, it's hard for me to because I'm very reserved and growing up, and I think it might be a little bit of a Japanese heritage we don't freely say things like that.

1139
00:54:42.000 --> 00:54:55.000
I'm a non hugger, so I've been learning to be a little bit more, not, not so stingy with my hugs with him it's a lot easier but generally with people I like you.

1140
00:54:55.000 --> 00:55:00.000
You know you're really special kind of thing. So, when it gets down to the I love you thing.

1141
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:03.600
Then there's also the rejection trigger that happens to you.

1142
00:55:06.740 --> 00:55:11.100
I think it's, you guys have been together six months and you're having those monthly check-ins.

1143
00:55:11.160 --> 00:55:18.460
I think you could say, Hey, at our next check-in, I would love for us to have gone online and do the five love languages.

1144
00:55:18.460 --> 00:55:21.240
And we can kind of unpack our results together.

1145
00:55:21.480 --> 00:55:22.880
How does that sound for you?

1146
00:55:22.880 --> 00:55:25.280
So this way you're not dropping a bomb on him.

1147
00:55:26.120 --> 00:55:31.600
You're going to, and if you do the online version, it's not going to just say, this is your number one love language.

1148
00:55:31.880 --> 00:55:34.520
It's going to tell you how much you rate in all of them.

1149
00:55:34.520 --> 00:55:41.240
Because even if like words of affirmation and physical touch are my top two, but that doesn't mean I don't like gifts or acts of service.

1150
00:55:41.240 --> 00:55:43.440
I mean, I'm all about acts of service sometimes.

1151
00:55:43.440 --> 00:55:44.760
Like that's awesome.

1152
00:55:45.200 --> 00:55:48.040
And so it'd be a good opportunity to like, okay, physical touch.

1153
00:55:48.260 --> 00:55:53.840
And then you guys can talk about that gifts, words of affirmation, like words of affirmation.

1154
00:55:53.840 --> 00:55:56.800
I've even learned like, you know, I'm a high eye on disc.

1155
00:55:56.800 --> 00:55:59.240
So words of affirmation, you can write it in a note.

1156
00:55:59.240 --> 00:56:01.440
You can do a ticker tape parade for me.

1157
00:56:01.640 --> 00:56:03.160
I'm all about the praise.

1158
00:56:03.600 --> 00:56:07.840
Now I have other people that are words of affirmation and it has to be very private.

1159
00:56:07.840 --> 00:56:09.760
They do not like public praise.

1160
00:56:10.160 --> 00:56:15.120
And so that is a great way for you guys to start to unpack that.

1161
00:56:15.440 --> 00:56:16.960
And that might help you have.

1162
00:56:16.960 --> 00:56:21.600
And then maybe in the next month, be like, okay, we talked about words of affirmation last month.

1163
00:56:22.000 --> 00:56:28.920
If you're willing, I'd love to go further and talk about saying things like, I love you and say, you know, saying other things.

1164
00:56:28.920 --> 00:56:33.560
And just, I would love to learn culturally what's been the norm and what feels comfortable for you.

1165
00:56:34.840 --> 00:56:36.800
Just my suggestion that might help.

1166
00:56:37.120 --> 00:56:37.680
Thank you.

1167
00:56:38.720 --> 00:56:40.360
Um, awesome.

1168
00:56:40.640 --> 00:56:42.040
You guys, this was so good.

1169
00:56:42.040 --> 00:56:42.920
I was so worried.

1170
00:56:42.920 --> 00:56:49.520
Nobody was going to have any questions and I was going to have to make stuff up and I'm glad that we didn't have to do that again.

1171
00:56:49.920 --> 00:56:55.840
Um, I don't claim to be, I, I don't claim to be the expert, but I have dated enough and a lot.

1172
00:56:56.120 --> 00:57:02.000
And so I feel comfortable and I've been around Jackie enough and I've helped write some stuff behind the scenes with Jackie.

1173
00:57:02.000 --> 00:57:07.080
So I feel like I've inhaled her videos and her book probably a dozen times.

1174
00:57:07.080 --> 00:57:11.040
And so it's very embedded into my psyche now.

1175
00:57:11.040 --> 00:57:14.880
So hopefully I'm doing her content justice.

1176
00:57:14.920 --> 00:57:18.640
Any final question or like, aha.

1177
00:57:18.640 --> 00:57:20.360
Did anybody have an aha?

1178
00:57:20.640 --> 00:57:24.360
They're like, oh my gosh, I had an aha tonight that you want to share with the group.

1179
00:57:24.360 --> 00:57:29.480
Cause maybe your aha is the most important thing that somebody is going to hear tonight and not anything I said.

1180
00:57:38.280 --> 00:57:38.640
All right.

1181
00:57:38.640 --> 00:57:42.400
So when we have no more questions and hey, it's, it's, it's, it's 58.

1182
00:57:42.400 --> 00:57:44.720
So we can close us out in prayer.

1183
00:57:44.720 --> 00:57:48.480
Who would like to close us out in prayer?

1184
00:57:48.480 --> 00:57:52.280
Then who is going to be our brave soul closing us out in prayer?

1185
00:57:55.280 --> 00:57:57.200
Laura, did you want to close us out in prayer?

1186
00:57:57.200 --> 00:57:58.120
Do you have a question?

1187
00:57:58.560 --> 00:58:01.080
I will volunteer to close us out in prayer.

1188
00:58:01.360 --> 00:58:02.240
You got it girl.

1189
00:58:02.760 --> 00:58:03.280
Okay.

1190
00:58:04.240 --> 00:58:04.960
Hey father in heaven.

1191
00:58:04.960 --> 00:58:06.880
I just thank you for your love and your care.

1192
00:58:06.880 --> 00:58:11.560
Thank you so much that you pay attention to all the details of our lives.

1193
00:58:11.560 --> 00:58:14.960
I just thank you for this opportunity to come together and for this program.

1194
00:58:15.520 --> 00:58:19.800
And I just pray that you would bless Jackie and all the facilitators, Lord

1195
00:58:19.800 --> 00:58:23.640
God, that you'd require extra grace and love upon them and to each and every one

1196
00:58:23.640 --> 00:58:28.360
of us, Lord God, just strengthen our faith, bless us with discernment, Lord

1197
00:58:28.360 --> 00:58:32.480
Jesus Christ, and your wisdom and your love on this journey in Jesus name.

1198
00:58:32.480 --> 00:58:33.200
I pray him.

1199
00:58:34.280 --> 00:58:36.000
Amen.

1200
00:58:36.000 --> 00:58:36.480
Amen.

1201
00:58:36.480 --> 00:58:37.320
Thank you, Renee.