WEBVTT

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All right, let me pray for us.

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Father, thank you so much for this night.

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Thank you for every one of these ladies

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that are currently in exclusive dating relationships.

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Lord, I just pray that,

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and even gentlemen that might be hearing this in the replay

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or catching us live tonight,

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I pray that you would just help us to hear

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what your spirit is saying to us,

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that you would bring revelation and truth

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through all the teaching, through your word.

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God, show us things in our hearts

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that might need more healing,

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but also help us to celebrate our wins

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and the ways that we communicate, conflict resolution,

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everything that impacts the way we engage

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with other people in relationship, not just romantic,

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but every relationship we have in our lives.

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Lord, help us to always have hearts that are teachable,

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that are soft, and pliable to you.

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And we just ask you to remove any stony,

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hardened places in our hearts,

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and also just bring healing in the depths of our soul,

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where even some of us might have grown up

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in homes where we didn't see good communication modeled,

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we didn't see good conflict resolution.

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So Lord, I pray that you would impart

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just understanding and revelation and insight

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into us tonight from heaven.

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Like, what does it look like to you

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for us to communicate with one another,

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with other people, to engage in community in a healthy way?

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And we just thank you for the knowledge that comes from you.

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And we just ask for healing and redemption

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in every area of our hearts, minds, spirits, bodies,

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and souls, in Jesus' name, amen.

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All right, so glad you guys are here.

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Again, for those that are joining, if you're able,

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I would love you guys to turn on your videos

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so I can see you.

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Part of that, again, is just showing up

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and coming out of hiding.

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Obviously, I know life is busy.

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I literally was still curling my hair five minutes ago,

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so y'all, I get it.

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We go from one thing to another, don't we?

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All right, so tonight I wanna talk a little bit

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about how communication is truly the bedrock

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to things going well or things maybe not going so well.

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And tonight I'm gonna talk in the context

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of romantic relationships, but also all relationships.

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So I'm gonna talk about that kind of a lot

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and how we're showing up in our lives

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with the people around us.

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How do we communicate?

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How do we not communicate well?

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So I wanna give you a couple of things to think about

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and try to get a piece of paper,

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if you guys don't have a piece of paper and pen with you.

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For those of you that are driving,

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I'll try to wait a little bit to see if you are home

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or somewhere safe that you can do this.

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I do wanna do a couple activations with you all,

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and this includes men and women can do this.

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So please, men, don't check out when we do this.

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It's important for you all to also engage

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in these journaling prompts.

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Okay, so as we start, I wanna just kick it off

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with the more understanding,

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like the more we understand how each one of us

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feels in the dynamic of the relationship,

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of the conversation, of the argument,

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the stronger our relationship is gonna be.

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So I'm saying that from the perspective

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of a lot of times we come into communication

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and relationships, whether it's we're getting along

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or we're having a disagreement,

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and we show up through the lens

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of how we've encountered life, right?

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So we're bringing everything that we've gone through

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into that dynamic with us for good or bad, you all.

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And so when we really understand and look at that

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and acknowledge how that's causing us to show up,

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again, for the good or bad in a relationship,

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that's where we can have true healing happen

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when we're honest with ourselves.

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And so tonight, I wanna talk a little bit

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about different communication styles.

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I'm gonna wait a little bit on the journaling

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because I want more people to be able to do this.

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So if you're not familiar, there are,

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and there's a lot of different studies,

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but I really liked this communication style.

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I recently was talking to the Simbas group about it

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and had them take a quiz.

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So I wanna share that with those of you tonight,

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the quiz that you can just go take.

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So don't go there in your minds yet,

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but I'll put the link in the chat for you all.

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So what is your communication style?

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How do you show up in communication with other people?

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These are four, the one that I really like,

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it had four different categories,

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connectors, planners, thinkers, and movers.

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So looking at that, not only your own communication style,

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but the person you are in relationship with,

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what is their communication style?

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And when we say like exclusive relationship,

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we mean that whoever you're in relationship with

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that you all have committed,

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that you are going to continue to dating

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to decide if it will move towards marriage,

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that you guys are not dating other people.

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So I just wanna be clear on that as well.

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But here's how a connector,

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connector tends to be someone who's very personal,

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they're very interactive.

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They like to take time to relate.

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So that's kind of their number one goal

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when they're communicating with other people.

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They tend to be good listeners.

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They try to establish eye contact.

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They're very engaged.

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They really value growing in confidence

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where people trust them.

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And they feel most comfortable

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if they believe they've made a meaningful connection

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with you.

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And when they make a meaningful connection with you,

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that is when they will then tend to open up more.

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Okay, so some of you, if you're dating a connector

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and you're not a connector,

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you may wanna really find ways to be intentional

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to allow yourself to open up more

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so that they can have that meaningful connection with you

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and feel safer, and then they will open up more as well.

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A planner tends to be very purposeful.

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They're procedural.

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So they kind of come in

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and they tend to be really goal-oriented.

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So what's their goal?

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They're out to get their goal and accomplish that.

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And they don't do it to be short with people,

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but it's just the way they communicate.

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Generally, they initiate a conversation to get specifics

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so they can fulfill their responsibility.

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So, you know, an example of how that might look is,

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hey, maybe I'm just gonna kind of pick this out of the air,

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but like maybe the guy is coming in

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and his responsibility is to provide.

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He's maybe overseeing the bills and the budget.

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And so he comes in, he's very goal-oriented,

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and he's just wanting to talk about specifics.

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And hey, let's fulfill this responsibility.

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You know, I said I was gonna provide,

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I said I was gonna do the budget.

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So let's, you know, ABC, let's talk about it,

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let's accomplish it, and that kind of thing.

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They communicate things in chronological order.

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So they go step-by-step.

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And typically, I thought this was so interesting.

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If you interrupt a planner

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while they are explaining something,

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they tend to go all the way back to the beginning

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and start explaining again from the beginning.

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So it's really good if you are dating

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or in relationship with a planner

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to let them get their full thought out

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before you try to interrupt them

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because they're gonna actually feel kind of like,

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oh, they're not listening to me.

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And then they're gonna feel like they have to go back

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and explain the whole thing over.

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They prefer to just really complete their thoughts.

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And they're gonna feel really valued and honored

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as you let them complete their thought.

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A thinker is someone who's very objective.

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They're very strategic.

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They tend to reflect on conversations before they respond.

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So they might be more quiet.

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They might be more like introspective.

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They like to analyze what they've actually heard

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and explore ways that they could respond

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and choose to reply in a way that expresses them the best.

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Okay, so from their perspective,

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they're trying to really think through what just happened?

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How's this conversation going?

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How can I respond so that I reflect myself well?

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Okay, so their goal is to obtain

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and figure out how can they fix it?

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How can they improve the situation?

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Can they invent something as a result?

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Okay, our movers.

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Our movers are on the go, you all.

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Movers are active and straightforward.

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Now, again, all of these are communication styles.

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I'm gonna explain the mover a little bit more.

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If you are overextended, Jackie talks about this a lot,

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anything out of balance, you all,

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can end up being a negative.

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So any of these conversation styles

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or communication styles,

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if we're out of balance and overextended,

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so like a connector could struggle with people-pleasing.

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Do you see?

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So I wanna make that connection too.

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So a mover is very active and straightforward.

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They're direct, yet typically playful.

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An overextension of this might be

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they're direct to a fault.

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So they're very harsh, straightforward, that kind of thing.

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They get to the point quickly and they keep moving.

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So they're going from one thing to the next.

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They're attracted by variety, new experiences, and fun.

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So if you're always very low-key

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and they don't know how to engage

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or get you to engage in new activities, things that are fun,

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they tend to tell jokes, they share their accomplishments.

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So they're very notorious for moving around

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in a conversation as well.

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So they might be the kind of person

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when you're talking to them,

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they're just kind of ping-ponging.

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They're going from one thing to another

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and you're kind of like, wait a minute,

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let's finish this conversation over here,

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that kind of thing.

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All right, so these are also,

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and I thought this would be super helpful for some of you.

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When there's someone that's a mover in a conversation,

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they may also tend to fidget while you're talking to them.

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So it could look like them pacing,

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they could play with a rubber band

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or doodle when you're talking to them, or even this,

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and we see this all the time.

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So again, this within balance,

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I think we need to express our needs to people,

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but they might be someone who sits and scrolls on their phone

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even while you're talking to them,

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but in their minds, they're listening, okay?

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Now, again, I think it's important to communicate

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and express to someone,

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hey, I really feel the most loved when we're talking

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and having a conversation when you're not on your phone.

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So if they need to do something else to fidget

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that they would maybe shift away from the phone

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and then they could do something else.

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And this is not a sign of them not caring about you

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or the conversation.

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I will say that as I was reading these different things,

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I actually even thought of my youngest spiritual daughter.

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When she was little, we could not keep her still.

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Like in conversation, she was like bouncing on the couch,

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you know, and she's always like had to be doing something.

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Like she was struggled to just sit still.

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And now all these years later, you know,

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understanding that that's a part of her makeup.

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So why try to confine her into sitting still

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if she actually is gonna do better in communication

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as she's given the freedom to kind of move and be.

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Does that make sense?

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Now, obviously that's a younger person,

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but again, this can show up even as adults.

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Okay, so here's my journaling prompt for you.

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I want you to think about in the past week,

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and even those of you that are driving,

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even if you can't write, just think about this, okay?

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In the past week, where is an area that God has shown you

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that you could have communicated better?

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Is there an area where you could have communicated

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to somebody in your life,

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whether that was your romantic relationship,

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a friendship, family,

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where you could have communicated better?

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I want you just to think about that.

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And then if you have thoughts coming up,

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you can put those in the chat as well as examples.

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We can start talking about it a little bit.

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Is there anyone willing to share

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if something's coming to your mind?

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I will.

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Okay, yeah, Monica, go ahead.

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So I went to surprise my daughter

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for her 30th birthday in Montana.

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I live in Maine.

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And anyway, she found out through text

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on her husband's phone, which was fine,

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I was so excited to see her.

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I could have listened to her a lot more.

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I only had a week and I think I tended to,

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I mean, the last day, I think I said,

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so how have you been doing?

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But as I look back, I wish that I listened more.

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I think that I was kind of talking more about myself.

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That's so good.

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Monica, thank you for sharing.

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This is where the reason I'm having you guys

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kind of pause and do this

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is because even as you're engaging

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in these relationships you're in,

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it's good for us to pause and reflect,

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even if it's like once a week, once every other week

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where we're just kind of like, okay,

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we're not being down on ourselves,

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but we're just like, man, Lord,

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show me where I could have done something healthier

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in my communication.

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Where could I have shown up more or in a healthier way

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versus pulling back and hiding?

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And we're gonna talk about some of this too.

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Anyone else wanna share before I go on?

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Okay.

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I can share.

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Okay, go ahead.

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Yeah, that's fine.

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One actually just came up with myself and my boyfriend.

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I am visiting him out in Kansas.

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I forget what state I'm in,

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but he was coming home from work

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and we were both getting back to work

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from being on vacation for two weeks.

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And I identified I was hangry at this point,

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but he came home and he was like,

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I'm not hangry at this point, but he came home.

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There were a lot of little things

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that were kind of upsetting me.

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And when he recognized that my tone

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and the atmosphere that I was getting off shifted,

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he asked if I was okay.

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And I said, I'm fine, but I knew I wasn't.

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But I also, I felt myself like getting really emotional

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and I was about to cry

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because it was just a mix of everything at once,

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but I didn't know how to communicate

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what was actually wrong.

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And I didn't wanna just start melting down and crying

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like without being able to verbalize what it was.

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So we had a good moment where later in the evening,

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I came to him and I was like, okay,

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can I share how I'm feeling?

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like, so when you said you were fine, you weren't. And I was

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like, correct, but I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't know

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how to words to communicate because I just was feeling

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icky. And the next day, I had a counseling appointment. And it

345
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was really helpful to deconstruct that. But that was

346
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a really good example of where I was like, yeah, I could have

347
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just said, I don't feel good. I'm not okay. But I don't have

348
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the words to say. Yeah, to describe it.

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Yes. And I love that you're using that example. Because so

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many times to you all. When we leave things unsaid completely,

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that's where the enemy tries to come in a lot and create a lot

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of doubt in both sides. So when we just communicate, and we just

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at least put it out there and just say, Hey, you know, I'm not

354
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exactly sure how to explain this to you. I have a couple things

355
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kind of all coming to a head at once, I'm feeling some kind of

356
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way. But I just want you to know, like, I really care about

357
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you, I'll talk to you more about this as soon as I can, or

358
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something like that, where we're communicating, you know, and

359
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then also, it gives them an opportunity to support you, but

360
00:16:02.080 --> 00:16:05.600
respect your boundary as well, right? So you're starting to see

361
00:16:05.600 --> 00:16:09.880
how do they engage when things are a little tough? Because you

362
00:16:09.880 --> 00:16:12.760
want to see those things when you're dating. If they don't

363
00:16:12.760 --> 00:16:17.440
handle that well, when you're dating, it will continue in your

364
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marriage. But again, you also keep in mind, you guys are both

365
00:16:21.000 --> 00:16:24.560
rowing in your dating relationship together. Okay, so

366
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then in the past week, where do you wish someone else would have

367
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communicated better? Like to you? You know, just thinking

368
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about that, like, in your relationships, where do you wish

369
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someone would have communicated better to you? And you guys

370
00:16:43.280 --> 00:16:45.320
don't have to necessarily share on this one, but I want you to

371
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be thinking about it. And this is why I want you to pray for

372
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that person. I want you to pray not in a controlling way, but

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just asking God to reveal to them, you know, from his

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perspective, what he might want to minister to them about that.

375
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And this is why we want God to work in their hearts, we want

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God to get them to the point where they are self aware. Does

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that mean we can't bring it up to them? No, of course you can.

378
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But you also want to do it from a place of peace and not anger.

379
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Okay? Or, you know, a lot of frustration and pain. Now there

380
00:17:23.960 --> 00:17:26.119
are going to be those times you all where we're going to just be

381
00:17:26.119 --> 00:17:29.200
sad or something's happening. And that's not what I'm talking

382
00:17:29.200 --> 00:17:32.960
about right now. But when when there is that ability for you to

383
00:17:32.960 --> 00:17:36.520
create some space, and then communicate, and that you make

384
00:17:36.520 --> 00:17:39.880
sure you're not communicating from a place of lack and hurt,

385
00:17:39.960 --> 00:17:43.480
and like, what I'm just going to call kind of meanness, if you

386
00:17:43.480 --> 00:17:48.440
will. Okay. All right. Now, as you're thinking about those, I

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want you guys to also understand that communication styles can

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00:17:52.720 --> 00:17:56.880
change, they can add, they can flow, people don't always stay

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00:17:56.880 --> 00:18:00.760
like cookie cutters. So an example is if you guys have

390
00:18:00.760 --> 00:18:04.200
never done the love languages, highly recommend it, I think

391
00:18:04.200 --> 00:18:07.880
everybody should do that quiz. The love languages gives you an

392
00:18:07.880 --> 00:18:13.200
idea of how your partner and you both receive love. Okay, so I do

393
00:18:13.200 --> 00:18:16.760
think that that is a part of communication, and that it would

394
00:18:16.760 --> 00:18:21.400
be good for us to all understand how God wants us to communicate

395
00:18:21.400 --> 00:18:27.400
to that person in a way they feel the most loved. Right. So

396
00:18:27.400 --> 00:18:31.480
when you're thinking about that, when I'm trying to turn to a

397
00:18:31.480 --> 00:18:34.960
page, all right, I'm going to read something to you, I felt

398
00:18:34.960 --> 00:18:37.840
like this was really important. And I hate to read this long,

399
00:18:37.840 --> 00:18:42.360
but it's just that it's worth it. So bear with me. And this is

400
00:18:42.360 --> 00:18:46.560
from a book by the couple that put together the whole Simba

401
00:18:46.560 --> 00:18:48.960
stuff. And we're, you know, we do this Simbas coaching in this

402
00:18:48.960 --> 00:18:52.080
community. And I'm just going to read it to you as is, but it's

403
00:18:52.080 --> 00:18:55.240
the husband and wife that that put this whole Simba stuff

404
00:18:55.240 --> 00:18:57.360
together, which Simbas, if you don't know, is saving your

405
00:18:57.360 --> 00:19:01.920
marriage before it starts. That's what it stands for. Well,

406
00:19:02.000 --> 00:19:04.720
what do you think? Leslie was standing in the middle of our

407
00:19:04.720 --> 00:19:08.800
tiny apartment twirling around to display her new dress. We had

408
00:19:08.800 --> 00:19:12.400
been married less than a week. It's good. I responded. Are you

409
00:19:12.400 --> 00:19:16.520
ready to go? I'm starving. That's the guy. Okay. Leslie is

410
00:19:16.520 --> 00:19:22.600
the girl. And then less is the guy. Good. I'm starving. That's

411
00:19:22.600 --> 00:19:25.720
all you can say. Leslie didn't have to ask this rhetorical

412
00:19:25.720 --> 00:19:29.840
question. I could read it all over her face. Is something

413
00:19:29.840 --> 00:19:33.440
wrong? I asked my keen diagnostic sense was just

414
00:19:33.480 --> 00:19:39.040
budding. No. Well, then let's go. Wait, I'm going to change

415
00:19:39.040 --> 00:19:43.240
Leslie said, why you look fine. Five minutes later, I could hear

416
00:19:43.240 --> 00:19:47.160
weeping coming from the bedroom. That's strange. I thought I

417
00:19:47.160 --> 00:19:50.680
walked to the door and opened it. The light was off. Leslie

418
00:19:50.680 --> 00:19:54.920
was curled up on the edge of the bed crying. What happened? I

419
00:19:54.920 --> 00:19:59.960
exclaimed. Nothing. Are you all right?

420
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:06.320
Yes. Then why are you crying? No response. In the silence, both of us wondered what had just

421
00:20:06.320 --> 00:20:13.920
happened. I was bewildered. Leslie was hurt. But why? This small incident during the first week of

422
00:20:13.920 --> 00:20:20.640
our marriage was the prime indicator that we did not speak the same language or so it seemed.

423
00:20:22.000 --> 00:20:27.120
And so this is why it's important to communicate, you all. In that moment, and I'm not saying it's

424
00:20:27.120 --> 00:20:30.080
going to be easy. You guys are going to have to be brave. We're going to have to have a lot

425
00:20:30.080 --> 00:20:35.360
of courage when we communicate. But if she had mentioned, you know, even like,

426
00:20:35.920 --> 00:20:42.320
I really wanted you to notice my new dress. Like I just bought it or, you know, just communicated

427
00:20:42.320 --> 00:20:49.520
in that moment versus shutting down and whatever maybe was feeding into her thoughts that caused

428
00:20:49.520 --> 00:20:55.040
the shutdown. Do you understand? Like that pause and like, okay, what's really happening here?

429
00:20:55.600 --> 00:21:01.600
Is it that he didn't notice the dress or is there something else underneath the surface going on?

430
00:21:02.560 --> 00:21:07.760
So a lot of times I like to use the iceberg as an example. And some of you like that are

431
00:21:07.760 --> 00:21:11.360
in some of this, you might've heard some of this. So the whole session isn't the same as

432
00:21:11.360 --> 00:21:16.000
what you've already heard, but I just want you to bear with us. So an iceberg, you see just

433
00:21:16.000 --> 00:21:22.080
what's on top of the surface, but really there's all this stuff underneath the surface, you all.

434
00:21:22.080 --> 00:21:26.000
And that's the stuff that we bring into the relationship that we need to keep in mind.

435
00:21:27.120 --> 00:21:32.880
So misunderstanding is a part, it's a natural, excuse me, part of every relationship.

436
00:21:34.320 --> 00:21:39.760
It really is. You know, we're going to have times where we don't see eye to eye or that one person

437
00:21:39.760 --> 00:21:44.880
wants something different than the other person wants. And so just going in, you all, even in

438
00:21:44.880 --> 00:21:49.280
the dating and exclusive, maybe some of you are engaged, maybe some of you are not yet,

439
00:21:49.920 --> 00:21:57.920
that you understand that it is natural for that to happen. Okay. So let's choose when it happens

440
00:21:57.920 --> 00:22:05.760
to walk in empathy. Choose to walk in the other person's shoes. Don't expect people to read your

441
00:22:05.760 --> 00:22:11.040
minds because they can't. No one can read our minds. Even our friends and our family, they

442
00:22:11.040 --> 00:22:21.840
cannot read our minds. Don't sit silently and brew. Allow yourself to come out of that shell,

443
00:22:22.400 --> 00:22:28.960
ask the Lord to help you face whatever is going on underneath the surface instead of avoiding it

444
00:22:29.520 --> 00:22:36.160
and shifting into what we're going to call later stonewalling or withholding affection. Okay.

445
00:22:37.120 --> 00:22:41.520
So here's a scripture for you because this is why it's so important. We don't want what,

446
00:22:41.520 --> 00:22:47.920
what in the beginning is the silent brewing and maybe it starts really small, but you guys,

447
00:22:47.920 --> 00:22:53.280
you know what happens when that, when we don't deal with that, it grows. And do you know what

448
00:22:53.280 --> 00:22:59.680
the Bible says? It grows into a bitter root because that brewing and stewing turns into

449
00:22:59.680 --> 00:23:04.960
deeper resentment over time because, Hey, if we don't deal with it over here and then it happens

450
00:23:04.960 --> 00:23:09.520
again, then we're brewing and stewing again. So now you you're building, it's building, it's

451
00:23:09.520 --> 00:23:16.880
building. And so this bitter root tends to take hold. Deuteronomy 29, 18, uh, in the tail end of

452
00:23:16.880 --> 00:23:22.880
that verse, it says, make sure there's no root among you that produces such bitter poison.

453
00:23:24.080 --> 00:23:30.960
Hebrews 12, 14 through 15 says, make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy

454
00:23:30.960 --> 00:23:37.360
without holiness. No one will see the Lord see to it that no one falls short of the grace of God

455
00:23:37.360 --> 00:23:45.520
and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. So I really want you to ask

456
00:23:45.520 --> 00:23:51.200
yourself, you know, do you have any bitter roots in any of your relationships in your heart anywhere?

457
00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:57.440
Um, yes, I'll say those again for you, Tegan. Um, that is causing issues in the relationships that

458
00:23:57.440 --> 00:24:03.040
you're in. Cause sometimes, you know, even conversations I've had with people I can't

459
00:24:03.040 --> 00:24:08.320
and myself included. I, I mean, I feel like I'm always trying to ask the Lord to help me,

460
00:24:08.960 --> 00:24:13.120
you know, even in the churches that we're in, you know, we've gone through some tough stuff here

461
00:24:13.680 --> 00:24:18.480
and just always trying to keep my heart clean before the Lord, you know, created me a clean

462
00:24:18.480 --> 00:24:24.000
heart of God and renew a steadfast spirit in me, you know, is such an important prayer to keep on

463
00:24:24.000 --> 00:24:30.080
the forefront of our minds, you all seriously. Okay. So Tegan, those scripture references is

464
00:24:30.080 --> 00:24:41.920
Deuteronomy 29, 18. And then also it was Hebrews 12, 14 through 15.

465
00:24:45.360 --> 00:24:50.320
And this is where, you know, when you guys went through heartwork, we can't emphasize enough

466
00:24:50.320 --> 00:24:54.720
heartwork is going to be a tool in your bag that you can use throughout your entire life.

467
00:24:54.720 --> 00:24:59.840
I can't tell you how many times I'm revisiting, you know, heartwork stuff, because something that

468
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:06.160
happening right now is putting a finger and pressure on something that maybe God is trying

469
00:25:06.160 --> 00:25:12.000
to reveal for healing in the present, but it's connected to something back here. Whether that's

470
00:25:12.000 --> 00:25:17.600
the romantic, obviously I'm married now, whether it's in my marriage or it's in a relationship with

471
00:25:17.600 --> 00:25:24.320
a friend or someone at the church. Again, it's just wherever we're at, what is the enemy trying

472
00:25:24.320 --> 00:25:32.320
to do in our relationships to bring disunity, dis-ease, discomfort, and lead us away from

473
00:25:32.320 --> 00:25:39.600
community, away from relationship, and allow bitter roots to take hold. Now, obviously, you guys,

474
00:25:39.600 --> 00:25:44.320
toxic relationships is a completely different category. I hope none of you are in those.

475
00:25:46.240 --> 00:25:49.360
Some of the other things we're going to go through in the next few months, you'll be able

476
00:25:49.360 --> 00:25:56.080
to determine if you're in a healthy relationship or not, but asking God always for discernment on

477
00:25:56.080 --> 00:26:02.080
that is so important. So ask God to help you process where the bitter root is at. Where did

478
00:26:02.080 --> 00:26:08.320
it begin? Okay, yes, maybe you're feeling it right now because you're brewing, you're angry about

479
00:26:08.320 --> 00:26:13.120
whatever that current situation is, or frustrated or sad. I mean, it can be a lot of different

480
00:26:13.120 --> 00:26:22.960
emotions, but where did it start? Choose to forgive that person and then communicate honorably to them.

481
00:26:24.800 --> 00:26:29.920
So what does it mean to be honorable? We're going to be respectful in the way we speak.

482
00:26:29.920 --> 00:26:34.000
We're not going to be condescending. We're not going to put them down. We're going to go, again,

483
00:26:34.000 --> 00:26:39.680
from that place of peace in our hearts because we will hopefully have dealt with that with the Lord

484
00:26:40.480 --> 00:26:49.200
before we go to them. No matter how much we care about someone, conflict is inevitable.

485
00:26:50.160 --> 00:26:56.640
So conflict is processed and worked through in healthy ways when it is, I'm sorry,

486
00:26:56.640 --> 00:27:03.920
if it is, then it actually can create intimacy. If we go through conflict with friends, with family,

487
00:27:03.920 --> 00:27:09.600
with someone we're dating, with our marriage partner, whatever that looks like, when we go

488
00:27:09.760 --> 00:27:14.720
through that and we learn how to work through conflict or a difficult situation together

489
00:27:15.440 --> 00:27:22.400
and we work as a team, it actually can create deeper intimacy and a stronger bond. Intimacy is

490
00:27:22.400 --> 00:27:34.800
intimacy. Intimacy. Y'all, some of us don't communicate because it's hard work and we're

491
00:27:34.800 --> 00:27:40.960
not really willing to let the walls down and let someone in to the vulnerable places to see

492
00:27:41.840 --> 00:27:49.920
what's on the inside. So consider that if you tend to put walls up a lot and block people out.

493
00:27:50.480 --> 00:27:58.080
Like, why is that happening? Okay. All right. Now I want you guys to think about this and I

494
00:27:58.080 --> 00:28:02.480
would encourage you just to jot down anything that comes to your mind, whether it's a phrase,

495
00:28:02.480 --> 00:28:09.760
an image, a memory, whatever. How was conflict handled in your home growing up?

496
00:28:13.040 --> 00:28:18.640
How was conflict handled in your home growing up? I'm so, I've been a little sick this week,

497
00:28:18.640 --> 00:28:23.760
y'all. So I'm sorry. I'm like sniffling and stuff on you all a lot. Just bear with me.

498
00:28:23.760 --> 00:28:28.640
If you hear that, I apologize. So how was conflict handled in your home growing up? I want to give

499
00:28:28.640 --> 00:28:35.520
you guys an example of my own home for reference. Okay. So I'll use myself. So my dad left when I

500
00:28:35.520 --> 00:28:42.880
was literally an infant. My mom was a single mom, super depressed. Didn't really get, didn't really

501
00:28:42.880 --> 00:28:48.720
get out of bed half the time when I was really young. When my dad did come back home, he kind

502
00:28:48.720 --> 00:28:52.720
of left, he'd come back, he left. And she always, you know, for years allowed that to go on.

503
00:28:53.520 --> 00:28:59.920
I can remember as a young kid waking up in the middle of the night, hearing them arguing and

504
00:28:59.920 --> 00:29:04.720
their bedroom was upstairs. And I can remember sometimes even sitting at the bottom of the

505
00:29:04.720 --> 00:29:12.560
stairs, feeling afraid because they were arguing and you know, just wishing that they weren't

506
00:29:12.560 --> 00:29:18.320
arguing and wishing it was different and all those kinds of things. So for me, that was like one of

507
00:29:18.320 --> 00:29:25.840
the pictures I saw. Very negative one regarding conflict. I never saw my parents work through

508
00:29:25.840 --> 00:29:30.400
anything that I can recall. Now, again, there's a lot of stuff of my childhood I don't remember.

509
00:29:31.440 --> 00:29:38.000
But what I'll also give an example, I had my dad's, my dad's parents, my grandparents were

510
00:29:38.000 --> 00:29:41.760
very much involved in our lives. I spent a lot of time with them. They were amazing people.

511
00:29:42.640 --> 00:29:50.400
I never saw them fight, which we might be like, oh, that's a great thing. And it is to a degree.

512
00:29:51.920 --> 00:29:56.720
But I never saw them, like, I never saw them resolve conflict. I don't even know if they

513
00:29:56.720 --> 00:30:00.000
had conflict. And if they did, like, how did they resolve it?

514
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:05.600
they work through it. So even though like I felt super safe with them and I'm, I'm confident they

515
00:30:05.600 --> 00:30:12.080
did because they were married for a really long time and they were happy together. But I never,

516
00:30:12.080 --> 00:30:19.280
I never learned how to resolve conflict from anybody. Does that make sense? And so when I

517
00:30:19.280 --> 00:30:26.160
got married the first time and he was pacing around the house and screaming at me, I was just

518
00:30:26.160 --> 00:30:30.320
always trying to make it better. Like, how can I make him happier? How can I same thing? Like

519
00:30:30.320 --> 00:30:35.280
kind of my mom always being in bed, I always try to make her happy. How can I make my mom happy?

520
00:30:35.280 --> 00:30:39.600
How can I help my mom get out of bed? How can I help her kind of show up in the world? I didn't

521
00:30:39.600 --> 00:30:43.040
know that's what I was doing as a kid, but all these years later, I understand it now.

522
00:30:43.680 --> 00:30:49.840
So while my mom's sleeping in bed doesn't seem like conflict in a sense, it still was because

523
00:30:49.840 --> 00:30:56.000
I was always in conflict because my mom wasn't showing up to be a mom and I love her. And I'm

524
00:30:56.000 --> 00:31:00.560
not trying to speak ill of her, but that's just, that's the reality. Okay. So I'm trying to, like,

525
00:31:00.560 --> 00:31:04.560
as I'm kind of putting some of these things out there, some of you guys might've had great parents.

526
00:31:04.560 --> 00:31:08.400
They might've communicated well with each other. They might've communicated well with you.

527
00:31:09.520 --> 00:31:16.000
But maybe along the way you struggled to communicate because maybe along the way

528
00:31:16.000 --> 00:31:20.480
you felt wounded or felt left out, you, you know, you just never know how the enemy comes in and

529
00:31:20.480 --> 00:31:26.960
says stuff to people and then it causes them to shut down and kind of pull back from relationships.

530
00:31:26.960 --> 00:31:32.640
So just consider all of those kinds of different things. Okay. So then when you're looking at that,

531
00:31:32.640 --> 00:31:37.600
it's not necessarily that you want to focus on hyper-focus on that, but you want to understand

532
00:31:38.400 --> 00:31:44.160
how you grew up. You want to look through that lens so that you can also acknowledge

533
00:31:44.160 --> 00:31:51.600
how is that impacting how you show up in conflict today or don't show up in conflict?

534
00:31:51.600 --> 00:31:56.240
Because some people just flat out isolate and don't even want to, they don't want anything

535
00:31:56.240 --> 00:32:04.560
to do with conflict and that's not healthy either. All right. If you guys can recall,

536
00:32:04.560 --> 00:32:07.520
when you went through the heart work, there were self-preservation techniques.

537
00:32:08.880 --> 00:32:13.040
This is an old one, so don't mind the logo on there. I don't have another printed one, but

538
00:32:14.160 --> 00:32:18.960
I would encourage you guys in the next week to go back through that list and kind of just ask

539
00:32:18.960 --> 00:32:24.880
the Lord, am I, excuse me, am I doing any of these things in my current relationship

540
00:32:24.880 --> 00:32:29.040
or in any of my friendships or whatever? Just really, just be honest with yourself.

541
00:32:29.600 --> 00:32:33.920
And we're not asking you to go all the way back through heart work, but it would be good to do a

542
00:32:33.920 --> 00:32:41.760
revisit on this. Okay. So how are you guys showing up in your, your self-preservation techniques?

543
00:32:41.760 --> 00:32:46.480
What, what tends to activate for you? I'm going to put a couple out there just for you to think

544
00:32:46.480 --> 00:32:52.800
about. When conflict happens or even when a hard situation happens, it doesn't have to just be

545
00:32:52.800 --> 00:33:03.520
conflict. Do you shut down? Do you block people out? Do you run away? Do you yell or get angry?

546
00:33:03.680 --> 00:33:08.880
Or even like, maybe you get angry and you just stew and brew, like we were talking about.

547
00:33:10.240 --> 00:33:17.760
Do you hide or isolate? Do you blame, like blame shift a lot instead of actually like

548
00:33:17.760 --> 00:33:22.880
acknowledging what's going on in your own heart? And do you put down a lot? And there's so many

549
00:33:22.880 --> 00:33:25.840
other on there, but those were the ones I felt led to write down tonight.

550
00:33:27.360 --> 00:33:31.040
So as you're thinking of this, I also want to share with you guys, there's four different

551
00:33:31.280 --> 00:33:34.960
I also want to share with you guys. There's four disastrous, and we're going to talk about some

552
00:33:34.960 --> 00:33:38.960
good stuff too, but I got to, I got to share these things with you as well, because it's

553
00:33:38.960 --> 00:33:45.520
super important. These are four disastrous ways of interacting that can sabotage our attempts

554
00:33:45.520 --> 00:33:52.160
to resolve conflict constructively. So instead of healthy conflict, these are four things that

555
00:33:52.160 --> 00:33:57.680
people do that can actually destroy and sabotage a relationship, even a really healthy one.

556
00:33:58.480 --> 00:34:07.280
Criticism is number one. Criticism, a lot of times people that operate in this, it can sometimes

557
00:34:07.280 --> 00:34:12.000
start just by like complaining and complaining isn't bad. You all, it's okay for us to say,

558
00:34:12.719 --> 00:34:18.639
Hey, like I, I'm really struggling with this. Like, I don't feel like this is going very well.

559
00:34:18.639 --> 00:34:27.280
Or when this happened, I felt this way, or this is how I felt or am feeling in this dynamic.

560
00:34:28.320 --> 00:34:33.920
In the Simbas group, we talk a lot. One of the biggest things with Bri and I that we've had to

561
00:34:33.920 --> 00:34:41.440
work through is like the dishes. I know that sounds so silly you all, but like, A, he is totally fine

562
00:34:41.440 --> 00:34:48.159
if the dishes sit there in the sink for days. I get stressed out by that. And then it's really

563
00:34:48.159 --> 00:34:54.320
funny. Like he loads the dishwasher way different than I do or would. And so it's really where

564
00:34:54.320 --> 00:34:59.920
you're allowing the other person to be themselves. But I can also say, Hey, like I feel

565
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:03.760
really stressed out when we have a bunch of dishes in the sink and there's dishes on the

566
00:35:03.760 --> 00:35:09.200
stave. And like, I'm always like, I'm having to a lot of times cook and clean. And, you know,

567
00:35:09.200 --> 00:35:14.640
so I need help. I need help sometimes. Like I've had to communicate that. And it's not that he's

568
00:35:14.640 --> 00:35:23.280
trying to not help. It's just his family, um, when he grew up, it was very different. They kind of

569
00:35:23.280 --> 00:35:28.400
Brian's older sisters were already kind of gone in college and stuff. And so when he was younger,

570
00:35:28.400 --> 00:35:34.320
he kind of fended for himself after school. He ate food out of a can like legit. Like I'm not in,

571
00:35:34.320 --> 00:35:38.640
and that's just how some people, they grow up. And then like their laundry,

572
00:35:39.760 --> 00:35:45.120
um, like just piled up and piled up and piled up. Like, even when we first got married, he was like,

573
00:35:45.120 --> 00:35:48.720
whoa, like you do laundry all the time. And I was like, yeah, like don't doesn't ever,

574
00:35:48.720 --> 00:35:53.680
you know? And so even I learned about other people and how other people live or, you know,

575
00:35:53.680 --> 00:35:59.920
do things or whatever. So sometimes we have different expectations of what is good enough.

576
00:35:59.920 --> 00:36:05.440
Right. And it doesn't mean I have to, like, I'm not saying Brian has to become a completely

577
00:36:05.440 --> 00:36:12.000
different person. And there's some things I have to shift to, but like, I am asking if he can at

578
00:36:12.000 --> 00:36:17.440
times be more intentional about helping with those things. Does that make sense? Everyone.

579
00:36:18.160 --> 00:36:23.840
So it's okay for us to share. And I think that's important, but where, where it shifts into

580
00:36:23.840 --> 00:36:34.400
criticism is this. So instead of, um, you know, I've even had to watch myself with this instead

581
00:36:34.400 --> 00:36:40.480
of just saying, Hey, when this happens, this is how I feel. People that tend to criticize will

582
00:36:40.480 --> 00:36:49.760
say things like, you never do this. You always do this. You know, they're, they're really creating

583
00:36:49.760 --> 00:36:55.360
a, something that happens on occasion and they're turning it into like, like the, that is always

584
00:36:55.360 --> 00:37:01.280
that person, you know, how they are and all this. So then the other thing to think about, uh, with

585
00:37:01.280 --> 00:37:07.600
criticism, criticism, excuse me, it involves attacking someone's personality, someone's

586
00:37:07.600 --> 00:37:13.840
personality rather than their behavior. So we want to look at what's the behavior that we might

587
00:37:13.840 --> 00:37:22.880
feel is like needs changed or corrected or whatever, versus, um, their personality going after

588
00:37:22.880 --> 00:37:29.360
their, who they are. Um, and if you guys recall, when we go through heartwork behavior is like,

589
00:37:30.000 --> 00:37:34.800
when there's behavior that needs to change, typically there's heart healing, or there's

590
00:37:34.800 --> 00:37:41.040
some kind of situation, like for instance, you know, and I'm not, his parents did the best they

591
00:37:41.040 --> 00:37:47.760
could. They they're great people. I love his mom, but like, you know, there's a part of what Brian

592
00:37:47.760 --> 00:37:54.400
went through that needs to heal. And even, you know, I don't want to say mature, like he's not

593
00:37:54.400 --> 00:38:01.680
mature, but like even myself, like I had to learn how to manage my money. So I'll use myself as an

594
00:38:01.680 --> 00:38:07.360
example, instead of putting my husband under, under the thing there, but like, I had to learn how to

595
00:38:09.360 --> 00:38:15.280
do my checkbook. I had to learn how to manage money well, like, because my mom didn't teach

596
00:38:15.280 --> 00:38:19.600
me that growing up. And so, you know, you can look at it a lot of different ways. It's not just the

597
00:38:19.600 --> 00:38:25.760
one example I was giving. Okay. So if he was criticizing me and critical of me, he would,

598
00:38:25.760 --> 00:38:30.160
he would say like, you never do this. You never meet with me about the money. You never,

599
00:38:30.160 --> 00:38:37.280
you know, whatever the personal attacks. Okay. So then contempt, contempt is number two.

600
00:38:38.720 --> 00:38:41.920
So the four disastrous ways we have number one, criticism,

601
00:38:41.920 --> 00:38:48.000
then contempt, contempt is intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner.

602
00:38:51.040 --> 00:38:54.800
And a lot of people would be like, yeah, I don't, I would never do that. I would never

603
00:38:54.800 --> 00:39:04.160
do that. But when bitterness takes root, you all, it comes out in all kinds of ways. And so contempt

604
00:39:04.160 --> 00:39:12.240
and abusive behavior and language can come out like insulting who they are. And basically this

605
00:39:12.240 --> 00:39:18.560
is stuff that's aimed right at the heart of the person. So for example, if we know that something

606
00:39:18.640 --> 00:39:27.120
hurts someone, or they have an area that's very sensitive to them, if we on purpose say something

607
00:39:28.000 --> 00:39:33.040
that we know is going to hurt them, that would be kind of an example of contempt. Okay.

608
00:39:35.600 --> 00:39:40.880
Defensive and defensiveness is number three. Defensiveness tends to come out when we're

609
00:39:40.880 --> 00:39:45.520
in victim mode. And sometimes it's legit. You all sometimes like somebody we're having a

610
00:39:45.520 --> 00:39:51.200
disagreement, both people feel victimized. Nobody's really slowing down and taking a breath.

611
00:39:51.920 --> 00:39:56.960
And so both people or one or the other is getting defensive, defensive, defensive. And it's like,

612
00:39:56.960 --> 00:39:59.840
literally what happens is both people end up triggering it.

613
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:06.480
other. So when you sense that happening, hopefully you guys do sense that if it does happen,

614
00:40:06.480 --> 00:40:14.280
but when you sense it, take a step back and ask the Lord to reveal what is causing me

615
00:40:14.280 --> 00:40:21.480
to be triggered right now. And really be honest with yourself. Is it what they are doing or

616
00:40:21.480 --> 00:40:27.600
saying and it might be, but is there something else that that thing is connected to somewhere

617
00:40:27.600 --> 00:40:34.360
else that's causing you to be triggered in the present? All right. Defensiveness also

618
00:40:34.360 --> 00:40:39.600
tends to escalate a conflict rather than resolve it. So that's why it's super important for

619
00:40:39.600 --> 00:40:47.480
us to try to not get defensive. Um, for example, like when I talk with Brian, he was very understanding

620
00:40:47.480 --> 00:40:53.400
about, you know, the dishes and stuff. And he's been very understanding of me regarding

621
00:40:53.400 --> 00:40:57.480
the financial stuff. I went through a lot of financial trauma, you guys in my former

622
00:40:57.480 --> 00:41:03.200
marriage, as well as in the relationship I was in for six years with my spiritual daughters,

623
00:41:03.200 --> 00:41:09.680
their dad. And so when I came into this relationship with Brian, like I'm afraid still, I'm still

624
00:41:09.680 --> 00:41:14.160
working through it to just like surrender everything, like all of my accounts. Like

625
00:41:14.160 --> 00:41:18.920
it's just, I have a lot of anxiety. Um, I went through, like my brother stole my money

626
00:41:18.920 --> 00:41:23.720
a lot when I was kid, like, there's just a lot there and God is still healing that

627
00:41:23.720 --> 00:41:29.880
in me. Um, the Brian's been loving and kind and patient. Now, obviously like I am working

628
00:41:29.880 --> 00:41:35.320
through it. I can't just not bring those things together. Um, and we have brought money together.

629
00:41:35.320 --> 00:41:39.320
So I don't want to make it sound like we haven't, but I also just have had, like, I've also

630
00:41:39.320 --> 00:41:47.200
had an account, if that makes sense. And so I'm working on slowly like merging everything.

631
00:41:47.200 --> 00:41:52.720
And so again, it's like sitting in that other person's shoes, having empathy, understanding

632
00:41:52.720 --> 00:41:57.680
where they're coming from in the way that they show up in life or the areas that they

633
00:41:57.680 --> 00:42:03.280
struggle. Okay. All right. The last one, number four. So it's criticism, contempt, defense,

634
00:42:03.280 --> 00:42:09.920
defensiveness, and stonewalling. Stonewalling is exactly what it sounds like when the other

635
00:42:09.920 --> 00:42:17.120
person stops talking altogether, they withdraw, they shut down and they literally stonewall.

636
00:42:17.680 --> 00:42:24.240
Okay. Does that mean they're not someone that can be in a healthy relationship? No, I'm

637
00:42:24.240 --> 00:42:30.720
not saying that, but it is an area if that happens, that's something they need or we

638
00:42:30.720 --> 00:42:35.280
need whoever does it. They probably need a little bit more counseling around. Why are

639
00:42:35.280 --> 00:42:41.040
they doing that? Why are they just shutting down and like stonewalling and putting, putting

640
00:42:41.040 --> 00:42:46.960
walls up? Maybe it's us. Maybe it's them. Maybe it's both of us. We want to allow those

641
00:42:46.960 --> 00:42:53.440
walls to come down and allow the Lord to work in mighty ways. All right. So here's the,

642
00:42:53.440 --> 00:42:58.400
here's the positives. You all, everyone can learn how to fight fair. Every single person

643
00:42:58.400 --> 00:43:03.760
can learn how to fight fair. We can all learn new tools and new abilities every single day.

644
00:43:04.960 --> 00:43:09.520
You know, one of the best things you can do for your relationship is start educating yourself

645
00:43:09.520 --> 00:43:15.120
on what does it even look like to fight fair, you know, find other couples that are healthy,

646
00:43:15.120 --> 00:43:21.120
that are thriving. What are they doing? You know, learn from them, read books. One of the

647
00:43:21.120 --> 00:43:27.440
things that we recommend in the Simbis, and I'll say this just in a different way, but they

648
00:43:27.440 --> 00:43:33.600
recommend when you're, and obviously hopefully you guys are not having sex before marriage,

649
00:43:33.600 --> 00:43:36.240
but I'm just going to put that out there because I was going to say something and I thought I

650
00:43:36.240 --> 00:43:42.480
probably should preface it. But in the Simbis, they recommend once, you know, once you're married,

651
00:43:42.480 --> 00:43:47.760
that you would read one book about sexual intimacy a year together. But I would also say,

652
00:43:48.480 --> 00:43:53.760
I would encourage everyone to read a book on communication and, you know, what does it look

653
00:43:53.760 --> 00:44:00.560
like to fight fair, how to develop skills and tools because conflict and communication breakdown is

654
00:44:00.560 --> 00:44:08.320
like one of the biggest reasons people end up in divorce. Money's another one. And then, you know,

655
00:44:08.320 --> 00:44:13.200
if the sexual intimacy is not there or, you know, people just shut down and shut people out, that's

656
00:44:13.200 --> 00:44:19.680
huge too. All right. So here's some of the things to consider as you're learning how to develop tools

657
00:44:19.680 --> 00:44:25.920
to fight fair. You don't want to run from strife. You don't want to run from conflict. So if that's

658
00:44:25.920 --> 00:44:31.120
your tendency, I would encourage you also to ask the Lord. Again, it kind of weaves the heart work in.

659
00:44:32.000 --> 00:44:40.160
When is the first time you started running from conflict? And ask the Lord to reveal that and then

660
00:44:40.160 --> 00:44:46.160
ask him to heal that area or any lies you might be believing that are connected to that.

661
00:44:46.800 --> 00:44:56.400
Okay. All right. You want to choose your battles carefully. This is the thing. Sometimes when we're

662
00:44:56.400 --> 00:45:00.480
in that situation, you're going to want to choose your battles carefully.

663
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:09.960
A small problem can be magnified into something bigger because of how we're reacting to it.

664
00:45:02.480 --> 00:45:07.200
And I'm going to give you a little bit of advice on how to choose your battles carefully.

665
00:45:09.960 --> 00:45:15.240
For example, how do you handle personal conflict?

666
00:45:15.240 --> 00:45:17.880
You know, what challenges, we were talking about this earlier.

667
00:45:17.880 --> 00:45:20.400
Let's talk about like us.

668
00:45:20.400 --> 00:45:24.660
Do we hesitate to act on a problem?

669
00:45:24.660 --> 00:45:26.560
Do we become evasive?

670
00:45:26.560 --> 00:45:31.720
Do we avoid things if we're not sure about the position of other people?

671
00:45:31.720 --> 00:45:35.360
So maybe some of us, the conflict is that we're actually not showing up fully because

672
00:45:35.360 --> 00:45:38.240
we're afraid of what the other person's going to do.

673
00:45:38.240 --> 00:45:39.520
But here's the thing.

674
00:45:39.520 --> 00:45:44.800
If we're not showing up as our full real self in that relationship, y'all, then we're going

675
00:45:44.800 --> 00:45:48.960
to struggle once you get married because they're going to be like, who did I marry?

676
00:45:48.960 --> 00:45:54.480
We got to be, even if it's hard right now and it looks ugly at times, if you will, like

677
00:45:54.480 --> 00:45:59.880
let's be our real, full, authentic self in that relationship and learn how to work through

678
00:45:59.880 --> 00:46:03.000
things together, again, becoming a team.

679
00:46:03.000 --> 00:46:04.000
All right.

680
00:46:04.000 --> 00:46:09.520
Do you become defensive when involving risk, preferring to keep things the same?

681
00:46:09.520 --> 00:46:12.700
You just want things, like you just want things to be peaceful.

682
00:46:12.700 --> 00:46:15.160
You don't ever want any conflict.

683
00:46:15.160 --> 00:46:16.800
And here's the thing.

684
00:46:16.800 --> 00:46:21.720
People that just always want things to always be peaceful and they even pretend like everything's

685
00:46:21.720 --> 00:46:26.280
good, even when it's not, y'all, that ends up being what?

686
00:46:26.280 --> 00:46:28.800
Does anyone have a clue?

687
00:46:28.800 --> 00:46:35.160
Underneath the surface, it ends up being a volcano legitimately because that can't stay

688
00:46:35.160 --> 00:46:36.560
under there forever.

689
00:46:36.560 --> 00:46:39.680
It can't, it's going to come out at some point.

690
00:46:39.680 --> 00:46:46.040
So why not just let it come out in a healthy way and talk about it so that you can have

691
00:46:46.040 --> 00:46:47.040
resolve.

692
00:46:47.040 --> 00:46:48.040
All right.

693
00:46:48.040 --> 00:46:53.440
Maybe you yield a position to avoid controversy, which is very similar to what I was just saying.

694
00:46:53.440 --> 00:46:54.720
There's another one I wanted to read.

695
00:46:54.720 --> 00:46:55.720
Hold on.

696
00:46:55.720 --> 00:46:56.720
It was from my own Symbus.

697
00:46:56.720 --> 00:46:57.720
It was really good.

698
00:46:57.720 --> 00:47:03.360
I'm telling on myself tonight, y'all, I'm about to.

699
00:47:03.360 --> 00:47:04.880
All right.

700
00:47:04.880 --> 00:47:09.940
This is something on my own regarding conflict.

701
00:47:09.940 --> 00:47:12.380
You generally, let's see here.

702
00:47:12.380 --> 00:47:15.840
You can be intense when confronted with a tough problem.

703
00:47:15.840 --> 00:47:17.640
That's what my Symbus said to me.

704
00:47:18.240 --> 00:47:21.460
The intensity may not always fit the problem.

705
00:47:21.460 --> 00:47:27.520
That is sometimes you can get intense over a problem that looks tough, but in actuality,

706
00:47:27.520 --> 00:47:28.520
it's not.

707
00:47:28.520 --> 00:47:32.760
Y'all, I can't tell you how many times in the situations we've gone through in the church

708
00:47:32.760 --> 00:47:38.280
that has like, when I read that today, I was kind of laughing at myself a little bit because

709
00:47:38.280 --> 00:47:45.160
I'm like, oh my gosh, that's so me because it felt so hard at times and it was hard.

710
00:47:45.160 --> 00:47:51.520
But there are times that I think, I won't say I think, I know, as I've been walking

711
00:47:51.520 --> 00:47:55.760
through this, what's been happening is God has really been highlighting areas.

712
00:47:55.760 --> 00:48:02.320
I still need healing regarding men, men that mistreat me.

713
00:48:02.320 --> 00:48:06.040
We had a lot of people walking in religion in these churches.

714
00:48:06.040 --> 00:48:10.440
And so like the spirit of religion is something I've battled my entire life.

715
00:48:10.440 --> 00:48:13.360
And so little things like that, you just never know how it's going to show up.

716
00:48:13.360 --> 00:48:17.120
And again, you might think, well, what does that have to do with the relationship?

717
00:48:17.120 --> 00:48:22.480
Everything, whatever the Lord is highlighting, just be willing to look at it and learn how

718
00:48:22.480 --> 00:48:24.280
to process and work through that.

719
00:48:24.280 --> 00:48:25.280
Okay.

720
00:48:25.280 --> 00:48:31.040
So the last thing, two more things I wanted to say, state your feelings very directly.

721
00:48:31.040 --> 00:48:33.200
Be very clear.

722
00:48:33.200 --> 00:48:39.480
Don't be very careful to when you're communicating.

723
00:48:39.480 --> 00:48:41.720
Here's one of the things that's coming up in my spirit.

724
00:48:41.720 --> 00:48:46.280
Don't say you make me feel this way.

725
00:48:46.280 --> 00:48:47.360
Here's the thing.

726
00:48:47.360 --> 00:48:55.000
When we do that, we actually let go of all of our own ownership of our feelings.

727
00:48:55.000 --> 00:49:00.920
We need to own the feelings that we have, acknowledge them and express them.

728
00:49:00.920 --> 00:49:01.920
Yes.

729
00:49:01.920 --> 00:49:04.320
I statements 100% Jennifer.

730
00:49:04.320 --> 00:49:09.920
So I feel this way when this happens.

731
00:49:10.040 --> 00:49:11.040
Okay.

732
00:49:11.040 --> 00:49:15.480
And even if, again, you guys, sometimes you're going to feel triggered.

733
00:49:15.480 --> 00:49:18.880
I'm just telling you, I've been married a year and four months.

734
00:49:18.880 --> 00:49:22.600
And there are times where Brian didn't even mean to do something.

735
00:49:22.600 --> 00:49:27.280
But when he said something, it just triggered something in me from other people.

736
00:49:27.280 --> 00:49:30.120
And I've had to communicate that to him.

737
00:49:30.120 --> 00:49:34.440
And then also when that happened, he wanted to hug me and comfort me.

738
00:49:34.440 --> 00:49:36.320
And I'm like, don't touch me.

739
00:49:37.320 --> 00:49:42.600
And I just had to communicate, I know that I feel upset because of what you said, but

740
00:49:42.600 --> 00:49:46.480
I know that really what you said, it's not really even about that.

741
00:49:46.480 --> 00:49:47.480
It's about something else.

742
00:49:47.480 --> 00:49:50.520
And I just need some space to process what's even happening right now.

743
00:49:50.520 --> 00:49:54.320
So kind of like what Tegan was saying, there are going to be times where we just need to

744
00:49:54.320 --> 00:49:57.240
say, I just need a little bit of space.

745
00:49:57.240 --> 00:49:59.680
And so we just stood in the kitchen and talked for a little bit.

746
00:49:59.680 --> 00:50:00.680
And then he said,

747
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:03.840
said a little bit later, can I hug you now?

748
00:50:03.840 --> 00:50:07.000
And so he was really good at honoring my boundaries too.

749
00:50:07.000 --> 00:50:09.520
And then when I was ready, I said yes and we hugged

750
00:50:09.520 --> 00:50:11.160
and everything was fine.

751
00:50:11.160 --> 00:50:13.000
Now, sometimes it won't go that way,

752
00:50:13.000 --> 00:50:16.600
but you guys will know as you are interacting again

753
00:50:16.600 --> 00:50:19.440
in relationship and you're navigating,

754
00:50:19.440 --> 00:50:22.000
like how does this person respond when I say,

755
00:50:22.000 --> 00:50:24.560
hey, I need a little bit of space.

756
00:50:24.560 --> 00:50:27.440
Do they freak out and try to cling to you?

757
00:50:27.440 --> 00:50:29.600
If so, you guys are gonna wanna work through that

758
00:50:29.640 --> 00:50:31.400
because really the best response is,

759
00:50:31.400 --> 00:50:34.040
okay, I'm gonna give you your space.

760
00:50:34.040 --> 00:50:36.000
Do you wanna still talk about it right now?

761
00:50:36.000 --> 00:50:39.120
Or do you want me to like, let's go in separate,

762
00:50:39.120 --> 00:50:41.400
maybe rooms for a little bit, come back,

763
00:50:41.400 --> 00:50:43.320
but don't just check out for good, okay?

764
00:50:43.320 --> 00:50:45.720
So the key there is I didn't check out

765
00:50:45.720 --> 00:50:47.880
and just never talk about that thing again.

766
00:50:48.720 --> 00:50:52.120
I came back into that, I engaged with him.

767
00:50:52.120 --> 00:50:55.440
I didn't shut him out and stonewall him or anything.

768
00:50:55.440 --> 00:50:58.840
And I'm not saying it's always been that way, you guys.

769
00:50:59.160 --> 00:51:02.600
In my former marriage, I mean, it was really bad anyways.

770
00:51:02.600 --> 00:51:05.880
He was very toxic and so I never felt safe.

771
00:51:07.040 --> 00:51:08.440
And I'm not blaming this all on him,

772
00:51:08.440 --> 00:51:11.720
I just understand what was happening a lot better now.

773
00:51:11.720 --> 00:51:14.360
When I didn't feel safe, I was always responding

774
00:51:14.360 --> 00:51:17.720
and reacting out of a trigger place, right?

775
00:51:17.720 --> 00:51:20.320
Versus a place of health and inner peace

776
00:51:20.320 --> 00:51:24.600
and who I am in Christ and how things are.

777
00:51:25.520 --> 00:51:28.240
One of the things that became very clear to me

778
00:51:28.640 --> 00:51:31.440
in that situation I just explained to you about with Brian

779
00:51:32.600 --> 00:51:37.600
is I felt safe and it was okay for me to express

780
00:51:39.680 --> 00:51:42.040
how I was feeling and I felt supported

781
00:51:42.040 --> 00:51:44.520
through the whole thing, okay?

782
00:51:44.520 --> 00:51:47.640
So maybe your partner is gonna be the one

783
00:51:47.640 --> 00:51:49.840
that at some point will do that

784
00:51:49.840 --> 00:51:51.760
and have a response that you might think,

785
00:51:51.760 --> 00:51:53.960
well, that's kind of seems out of sorts,

786
00:51:53.960 --> 00:51:55.040
like what's up with that?

787
00:51:55.040 --> 00:51:57.280
But like, instead of judging them,

788
00:51:57.720 --> 00:52:01.120
give them the space to process what's going on

789
00:52:01.120 --> 00:52:04.640
and just be there in any way that they'll let you.

790
00:52:04.640 --> 00:52:07.120
And again, if they're healthy people,

791
00:52:07.120 --> 00:52:08.920
I'm not saying if someone's toxic.

792
00:52:08.920 --> 00:52:11.960
So again, that's a totally different dynamic.

793
00:52:11.960 --> 00:52:15.720
So state your feelings directly, use I statements.

794
00:52:15.720 --> 00:52:18.720
When there is something that you're upset about,

795
00:52:20.360 --> 00:52:23.560
really define the issue clearly, okay?

796
00:52:23.600 --> 00:52:28.120
So that night I got upset about what he said,

797
00:52:28.120 --> 00:52:31.000
but it really, again, was tied to something else.

798
00:52:31.000 --> 00:52:34.920
And so I was able to then communicate to him,

799
00:52:34.920 --> 00:52:39.680
these are the things that this was about tonight, okay?

800
00:52:39.680 --> 00:52:43.080
So yes, the thing that you said did hurt my feelings,

801
00:52:43.080 --> 00:52:45.200
but it was about all these other things

802
00:52:45.200 --> 00:52:49.240
that had nothing to do with you as well, okay?

803
00:52:50.240 --> 00:52:53.520
All right, okay, this one's really good.

804
00:52:53.520 --> 00:52:54.920
And I know we're starting to kind of

805
00:52:54.920 --> 00:52:58.560
get on the time crunch here, but I want to say this,

806
00:52:58.560 --> 00:53:00.800
rate the intensity of your feelings.

807
00:53:00.800 --> 00:53:03.440
So kind of like how I was saying the example

808
00:53:03.440 --> 00:53:06.400
about myself and the church stuff,

809
00:53:06.400 --> 00:53:09.560
I had to really look at when I go,

810
00:53:09.560 --> 00:53:11.960
and I'm not like an angry person.

811
00:53:11.960 --> 00:53:14.160
So that's why it stands out to me even more

812
00:53:14.160 --> 00:53:17.520
when I go from zero to 180 and I'm like angry,

813
00:53:17.560 --> 00:53:19.520
like something else is going on there.

814
00:53:19.520 --> 00:53:22.280
So I have to be really honest with myself

815
00:53:22.280 --> 00:53:25.400
and gauge what's really happening,

816
00:53:25.400 --> 00:53:26.600
what's underneath the surface,

817
00:53:26.600 --> 00:53:28.400
kind of like I was saying earlier, the iceberg,

818
00:53:28.400 --> 00:53:30.160
and then you've got all that other stuff

819
00:53:30.160 --> 00:53:31.320
underneath the surface.

820
00:53:33.320 --> 00:53:35.880
What's very important to one person may appear

821
00:53:35.880 --> 00:53:38.480
not to be very important to the other person at all.

822
00:53:39.880 --> 00:53:44.800
So here's the thing, if your feelings are upset,

823
00:53:44.800 --> 00:53:46.040
if you are upset,

824
00:53:47.200 --> 00:53:50.040
the other person doesn't have to fully understand.

825
00:53:51.120 --> 00:53:54.520
It's okay if they don't sometimes.

826
00:53:54.520 --> 00:53:58.200
They just have to be there and love you and support you.

827
00:53:58.200 --> 00:54:02.920
And you, us, we have to be willing to own our own feelings

828
00:54:02.920 --> 00:54:07.920
and at times apologize if our feelings and intensity

829
00:54:08.920 --> 00:54:11.800
is at a level that it's really not healthy

830
00:54:11.800 --> 00:54:13.120
for us to go there.

831
00:54:13.120 --> 00:54:14.240
Does that make sense?

832
00:54:15.080 --> 00:54:15.920
Everyone?

833
00:54:16.880 --> 00:54:20.880
All right, so fully show up, recognize these things.

834
00:54:21.760 --> 00:54:23.480
Okay, give up put downs.

835
00:54:23.480 --> 00:54:25.440
So it's like, we're kicking those things out.

836
00:54:25.440 --> 00:54:27.720
So anytime you recognize,

837
00:54:27.720 --> 00:54:30.000
like put downs are things that you're thinking about,

838
00:54:30.000 --> 00:54:32.600
even if you never speak them, here's the thing.

839
00:54:32.600 --> 00:54:35.120
If you think on them, guess what?

840
00:54:36.120 --> 00:54:38.600
It's gonna come out of your mouth at some point.

841
00:54:38.600 --> 00:54:39.760
And even if it doesn't,

842
00:54:39.760 --> 00:54:42.560
it's going to create a toxic environment

843
00:54:42.560 --> 00:54:43.640
for your relationship

844
00:54:43.640 --> 00:54:45.680
because everything we think

845
00:54:45.680 --> 00:54:49.360
ends up taking root in our hearts one way or another.

846
00:54:49.360 --> 00:54:51.720
So if we're thinking on a lot of negative things

847
00:54:51.720 --> 00:54:54.080
and we're putting them down in our minds,

848
00:54:54.080 --> 00:54:56.560
it's going to create disunity

849
00:54:56.560 --> 00:54:58.920
and a disruption in that relationship.

850
00:54:58.920 --> 00:55:00.240
So we wanna do our best.

851
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:07.920
to get rid of put downs and don't dwell on the downers. Okay. You guys, we're all going to have

852
00:55:07.920 --> 00:55:12.400
stuff that we're going to go through and it's going to be really hard at times it is, but let's

853
00:55:12.400 --> 00:55:18.080
not dwell on the things that are hard. Let's let's be aware of them. Let's work through them with our

854
00:55:18.080 --> 00:55:24.240
partner, but let's celebrate the wins. So that's where I want to end with you tonight. I really

855
00:55:24.240 --> 00:55:30.640
want you to think about as well, where in your relationships, all of them, what are some wins

856
00:55:30.640 --> 00:55:37.040
you've had this week? What are some things you can celebrate and tell that person verbally about it?

857
00:55:37.040 --> 00:55:43.440
Like, what are some ways you can celebrate them, celebrate your relationship and really, you know,

858
00:55:44.720 --> 00:55:47.760
be proud of where you guys are and where you're going.

859
00:55:47.760 --> 00:55:57.360
We always, you know, again, not toxic relationships, but when we're in relationship, we really want to

860
00:55:57.920 --> 00:56:01.920
think on things that are true, noble, lovely, and of good report things that are above only

861
00:56:01.920 --> 00:56:05.840
and not beneath. The enemy wants us to always get our minds on the negative.

862
00:56:06.480 --> 00:56:10.240
So where do we need a mindset shift and focus on the wins?

863
00:56:12.240 --> 00:56:16.880
All right. I hope this was good tonight. I hope you're excited. I want to talk up. I'm super

864
00:56:16.880 --> 00:56:21.920
thrilled. So what we're doing originally, we were going to do the same content both times and just

865
00:56:21.920 --> 00:56:27.200
have like the session build and we would come back and build on it. But what we decided, and I don't

866
00:56:27.200 --> 00:56:31.680
know if it'll be this way every month, but I'm just going to tell you guys. So for this same,

867
00:56:32.560 --> 00:56:37.760
on the 25th, instead of every path going to their own group, we're going to bring all the paths

868
00:56:37.760 --> 00:56:42.080
together and what we're going to talk about. So Jackie, I don't know if you guys saw, she put a

869
00:56:42.080 --> 00:56:49.120
post in the phase three group. I'm asking people like, if you're always struggling, like, is he the

870
00:56:49.120 --> 00:56:54.000
right one? And that post is the one I'm talking about. So what we're going to do is bring everybody

871
00:56:54.000 --> 00:57:02.080
together. Myself, Jackie and Renee will all be on. And the topic is overcoming relationship anxiety.

872
00:57:02.960 --> 00:57:06.960
That's what we're going to talk about. We'll probably pull in a little bit of like things

873
00:57:06.960 --> 00:57:12.400
that we do. We might do breakout sessions. I was giving her some ideas of even myself and

874
00:57:12.400 --> 00:57:18.960
things that I've noticed at times where anxiety takes over or has taken over. Brian is amazing,

875
00:57:18.960 --> 00:57:24.640
but even in the process of dating him, the enemy like tried to cause me to doubt him in our

876
00:57:24.640 --> 00:57:30.240
relationship. And so I had to really learn how to acknowledge and recognize when the enemy was coming

877
00:57:30.240 --> 00:57:37.840
in, um, or feeding on anxiety that I had or whatever. So on January 25th, 8 PM Eastern time,

878
00:57:37.840 --> 00:57:43.040
all paths are coming together to talk about overcoming relationship anxiety. So I hope you

879
00:57:43.040 --> 00:57:50.800
guys will be there next Tuesday night. Um, so next Tuesday is what are we at? It's the 16th.

880
00:57:51.360 --> 00:57:55.840
We're actually, it's called an all community event, eight, eight o'clock PM. We're actually

881
00:57:55.840 --> 00:58:00.080
going to do heart rehab. If you've never done a heart rehab with us, you guys will want to be

882
00:58:00.080 --> 00:58:05.120
there. It's going to be really good. Um, so just wanted to kind of let you guys know kind of what's

883
00:58:05.120 --> 00:58:11.440
going on in the next few weeks. And then that last week of the month on the 30th will be single

884
00:58:11.440 --> 00:58:16.080
spotlight. We got a lot of good stuff happening. I hope to see you guys at our next events.

885
00:58:16.640 --> 00:58:19.760
Um, I'm going to pray for you real quick. And then I got to close this out. Father,

886
00:58:19.760 --> 00:58:26.320
thank you so much for this night. God, thank you for creating communication, help us to hear your

887
00:58:26.320 --> 00:58:31.680
hearts, help us to recognize areas. We need to shift, maybe heal a little bit more and celebrate

888
00:58:31.680 --> 00:58:37.600
our wins Lord, help us to go and fully engage in our relationships to really show up, to be

889
00:58:37.600 --> 00:58:42.160
vulnerable when we need to be vulnerable, to let our walls down, but also at times to express our

890
00:58:42.160 --> 00:58:47.440
feelings, clearly give us the words when it feels hard, Lord, and help us to stay engaged in the

891
00:58:47.440 --> 00:58:52.560
relationship versus disengaged. And we just thank you Lord for grace. We thank you for courage and

892
00:58:52.560 --> 00:58:59.040
strength in our relationships in Jesus name. Amen. God bless you all. I hope you guys have an amazing

893
00:58:59.040 --> 00:58:59.680
night. See.