WEBVTT

1
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:04.360
You don't grow in EQ without being in EQ circumstances

2
00:00:04.360 --> 00:00:07.400
and that's through personal relationships with people.

3
00:00:07.400 --> 00:00:10.060
The give and take of personal relationships.

4
00:00:10.060 --> 00:00:15.060
The fourth reason for a low EQ is isolation.

5
00:00:19.880 --> 00:00:24.880
Letting ourself fall into a tendency to be alone a lot,

6
00:00:26.120 --> 00:00:28.880
to like go home straight from work,

7
00:00:28.880 --> 00:00:31.840
stay alone, be alone, maybe watch movies,

8
00:00:31.840 --> 00:00:33.000
maybe play video games.

9
00:00:33.000 --> 00:00:35.280
I think one of the reasons that we see

10
00:00:35.280 --> 00:00:39.080
so many young people today with a low EQ

11
00:00:39.080 --> 00:00:43.280
is because they've been birthed out of the internet

12
00:00:43.280 --> 00:00:48.280
and the computer age of isolation with their laptop

13
00:00:48.600 --> 00:00:52.200
or with their computer and they just are not

14
00:00:52.200 --> 00:00:57.200
in enough relational, connective situations to grow in EQ

15
00:00:58.040 --> 00:01:02.480
because you don't grow in EQ without being in EQ

16
00:01:02.480 --> 00:01:05.400
circumstances and that's through personal relationships

17
00:01:05.400 --> 00:01:06.360
with people.

18
00:01:06.360 --> 00:01:09.080
The give and take of personal relationships.

19
00:01:09.080 --> 00:01:12.520
And I would say, and I've said this in other talks

20
00:01:12.520 --> 00:01:16.120
that I've given, isolation's probably the number one

21
00:01:16.120 --> 00:01:18.440
problem for most men.

22
00:01:19.520 --> 00:01:21.760
Women struggle with it too but not nearly as much

23
00:01:21.760 --> 00:01:23.000
as men do.

24
00:01:23.000 --> 00:01:25.040
We tend to be independent.

25
00:01:25.080 --> 00:01:27.240
We tend to be maverick.

26
00:01:27.240 --> 00:01:29.840
We tend to be kind of outlaws.

27
00:01:29.840 --> 00:01:31.920
We tend to be outliers.

28
00:01:31.920 --> 00:01:36.440
And in some categories, that's really good.

29
00:01:36.440 --> 00:01:38.400
And you see someone who's an inventor,

30
00:01:38.400 --> 00:01:41.340
someone who's very creative, we're talking about someone

31
00:01:41.340 --> 00:01:44.480
who has enough time alone that they can come up

32
00:01:44.480 --> 00:01:47.200
with these amazingly creative ideas.

33
00:01:47.200 --> 00:01:49.400
So there's nothing wrong with being alone.

34
00:01:49.400 --> 00:01:51.480
I'm talking about isolation though.

35
00:01:51.480 --> 00:01:53.520
I'm talking about when we isolate ourselves

36
00:01:53.520 --> 00:01:55.840
from people too much.

37
00:01:55.840 --> 00:01:58.960
As soon as we're done with this episode,

38
00:01:58.960 --> 00:02:02.200
I will go home and I'll have to study so I'll be working

39
00:02:02.200 --> 00:02:04.860
on stuff alone and I need that time.

40
00:02:04.860 --> 00:02:06.560
But I'm not isolating myself.

41
00:02:06.560 --> 00:02:09.560
So I'm talking about, that's this fourth reason

42
00:02:09.560 --> 00:02:12.920
for a low EQ is those individuals that tend

43
00:02:12.920 --> 00:02:14.040
to isolate themselves.

44
00:02:14.040 --> 00:02:15.560
They're afraid of relationships.

45
00:02:15.560 --> 00:02:17.940
They don't trust people.

46
00:02:17.940 --> 00:02:20.800
And then because of that, they get themselves

47
00:02:20.800 --> 00:02:25.800
in this weird circuitous thinking world

48
00:02:27.200 --> 00:02:31.560
where they think of themselves as something

49
00:02:31.560 --> 00:02:33.520
that's just not true about them.

50
00:02:33.520 --> 00:02:37.680
For example, I've known so many people that began

51
00:02:37.680 --> 00:02:42.340
to isolate themselves after a failure of some sort.

52
00:02:42.340 --> 00:02:43.760
They lost their job.

53
00:02:43.760 --> 00:02:45.320
They lost their marriage.

54
00:02:45.320 --> 00:02:47.000
They lost a relationship.

55
00:02:47.000 --> 00:02:51.800
They go into maybe a venture of some sort

56
00:02:51.800 --> 00:02:53.560
and it's an abject failure.

57
00:02:53.560 --> 00:02:55.560
The whole thing falls apart or they lose all their money

58
00:02:55.560 --> 00:02:58.200
or they go through bankruptcy, whatever it might be.

59
00:02:58.200 --> 00:03:02.960
Then going in, isolating themselves from others

60
00:03:02.960 --> 00:03:06.040
and then having this thought, this circuitous thinking

61
00:03:06.040 --> 00:03:07.800
of I'm a loser.

62
00:03:07.800 --> 00:03:10.600
I'm never gonna amount to anything.

63
00:03:10.600 --> 00:03:12.480
Everything I try fails.

64
00:03:12.480 --> 00:03:13.760
I'm not a good leader.

65
00:03:13.760 --> 00:03:14.760
I'm not a good father.

66
00:03:14.760 --> 00:03:16.040
I'm not a good husband.

67
00:03:16.040 --> 00:03:18.480
All those things are going through their mind

68
00:03:18.480 --> 00:03:22.280
but if you don't have some other people

69
00:03:22.280 --> 00:03:26.200
that can give objective perspective to help you,

70
00:03:26.200 --> 00:03:30.560
holy smokes, you can go into this deep, deep hole.

71
00:03:30.560 --> 00:03:33.480
And people like that then become depressed.

72
00:03:33.480 --> 00:03:36.320
They start struggling with anxiety disorders

73
00:03:36.320 --> 00:03:39.800
and then if it's not caught somewhere

74
00:03:39.800 --> 00:03:44.800
in the continuing depth of one's circuitous negative thinking

75
00:03:46.800 --> 00:03:48.800
it can lead to suicide.

76
00:03:48.800 --> 00:03:51.520
So isolation is very, very dangerous

77
00:03:51.520 --> 00:03:54.440
and Satan loves when we isolate ourselves from people

78
00:03:54.440 --> 00:03:57.520
because people give us objective feedback.

79
00:03:57.520 --> 00:04:00.360
People who love us tell us that's not true.

80
00:04:00.360 --> 00:04:03.760
Look, two years ago you did this, this and this.

81
00:04:03.760 --> 00:04:06.560
Those were tremendous wins for you.

82
00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:08.680
You've had great relationships.

83
00:04:08.680 --> 00:04:13.160
So sometimes we need people to speak life into us

84
00:04:13.160 --> 00:04:15.760
and to speak perspective into us.

85
00:04:16.440 --> 00:04:20.920
So isolation would be the fourth big reason for a low EQ.

86
00:04:20.920 --> 00:04:24.480
Fifth, and I think I chose to make this fifth

87
00:04:24.480 --> 00:04:28.520
because it fits with the fourth, and that's fear.

88
00:04:28.520 --> 00:04:30.440
We're fearful of relationships

89
00:04:30.440 --> 00:04:32.160
usually because of shame in our life.

90
00:04:32.160 --> 00:04:33.480
And everyone has shame.

91
00:04:33.480 --> 00:04:37.240
Everyone has done things or had things done to them

92
00:04:37.240 --> 00:04:39.720
in their childhood, as they're growing up,

93
00:04:39.720 --> 00:04:41.440
that they're ashamed of.

94
00:04:41.440 --> 00:04:43.400
A lot of times it's not what you did.

95
00:04:43.400 --> 00:04:45.520
A lot of times it's what someone did to you

96
00:04:46.280 --> 00:04:47.640
that you don't want anybody to know about.

97
00:04:47.640 --> 00:04:50.040
You especially see this in sexual abuse,

98
00:04:50.040 --> 00:04:53.800
where there's been sexual abuse or even verbal abuse

99
00:04:53.800 --> 00:04:58.480
or physical abuse on a kid and they've been slapped around

100
00:04:58.480 --> 00:05:01.080
and they've been screamed at and they've been abused.

101
00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:07.000
They can still hear that voice in their heart, you know, that you're never going to amount to anything.

102
00:05:07.000 --> 00:05:15.000
You're just this kind of person or that kind of person, and you're playing those scriptings through your head.

103
00:05:15.000 --> 00:05:20.000
And so the idea of being vulnerable with people is really scary.

104
00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:26.000
And so when that happens, we wrap ourselves up in this cocoon of fear.

105
00:05:26.000 --> 00:05:30.000
And this fear encapsulates us, and it paralyzes us,

106
00:05:30.000 --> 00:05:36.000
and we can't have the beautiful and wonderful and loving relationships that God wants us to have.

107
00:05:36.000 --> 00:05:40.000
And so fear becomes a big part of our story.

108
00:05:40.000 --> 00:05:45.000
And with that story, the pain that goes with it, if we don't break out of that,

109
00:05:45.000 --> 00:05:50.000
then it can just atrophy our mind and atrophy our heart to such a degree

110
00:05:51.000 --> 00:05:57.000
that we never grow in the relational connection that we could have had with people.

111
00:05:57.000 --> 00:05:59.000
So fear's huge.

112
00:05:59.000 --> 00:06:04.000
Fear is probably the enemy's greatest tactic for bondage.

113
00:06:04.000 --> 00:06:07.000
Fear always creates bondage.

114
00:06:07.000 --> 00:06:09.000
And I'm not talking about the healthy kind of fear.

115
00:06:09.000 --> 00:06:14.000
I'm not talking about a fear of something that's coming your way that you have a fear of,

116
00:06:14.000 --> 00:06:19.000
so thus you prepare because you know that thing could take your life

117
00:06:19.000 --> 00:06:21.000
or you know that thing could hurt your family.

118
00:06:21.000 --> 00:06:23.000
I'm talking about an unhealthy fear,

119
00:06:23.000 --> 00:06:30.000
the kind of fear that paralyzes you from being able to move out in action with relationships.

120
00:06:30.000 --> 00:06:35.000
And that's how we develop our EQ is breaking through our fear with courage.

121
00:06:35.000 --> 00:06:40.000
And so courage is not just the opposite of fear, okay?

122
00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:43.000
But courage is more of a decision that we make.

123
00:06:43.000 --> 00:06:45.000
I like what Winston Churchill once said.

124
00:06:45.000 --> 00:06:50.000
He said, fear is a reaction, but courage is a decision.

125
00:06:50.000 --> 00:06:59.000
So when we decide I'm not going to let this shame area block me from a wholehearted life,

126
00:06:59.000 --> 00:07:00.000
that's a decision.

127
00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:01.000
That's a courageous decision.

128
00:07:01.000 --> 00:07:04.000
But then there's actions that you have to take at that point,

129
00:07:04.000 --> 00:07:08.000
and that's called vulnerability, being vulnerable with other people.

130
00:07:08.000 --> 00:07:13.000
So vulnerability with others breaks the power of fear.

131
00:07:13.000 --> 00:07:18.000
But we break the power of fear by having the courage to make the decision to be vulnerable.

132
00:07:18.000 --> 00:07:22.000
So vulnerability becomes the key to breaking out of that.

133
00:07:22.000 --> 00:07:29.000
And then lastly, sixthly, is undervaluing of team, the undervaluing of team.

134
00:07:29.000 --> 00:07:31.000
And this is what I mean by that.

135
00:07:31.000 --> 00:07:38.000
For some of us, we've been pretty good at doing things in fiat or just doing things on our own.

136
00:07:38.000 --> 00:07:42.000
And so we become convinced that's the best way to do stuff.

137
00:07:42.000 --> 00:07:48.000
And Sean Accor, in his book, The Happiness Advantage, as well as his latest book,

138
00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:51.000
which was called Big Potential,

139
00:07:51.000 --> 00:07:59.000
talks about the fact that we've grown up thinking that our success totally depends on ourselves.

140
00:07:59.000 --> 00:08:05.000
And the new research would show that the more, he calls it the virtuous cycle,

141
00:08:05.000 --> 00:08:11.000
the more we can learn to help others, make them successful,

142
00:08:11.000 --> 00:08:19.000
do everything we can to make them as empowered by us that they're achieving their goals, then we benefit.

143
00:08:19.000 --> 00:08:21.000
So we benefit by loving others.

144
00:08:21.000 --> 00:08:26.000
So sometimes it's actually valuable to take our eyes off just ourselves,

145
00:08:26.000 --> 00:08:31.000
actually look around and build a team, work as a team on projects,

146
00:08:31.000 --> 00:08:33.000
work as a team to accomplish goals,

147
00:08:33.000 --> 00:08:37.000
work as a team for the success of everyone around you.

148
00:08:37.000 --> 00:08:39.000
That's called big potential.

149
00:08:39.000 --> 00:08:41.000
That's reaching your big potential.

150
00:08:41.000 --> 00:08:43.000
That's a virtuous cycle.

151
00:08:43.000 --> 00:08:47.000
In other words, the more you're helping the team win,

152
00:08:47.000 --> 00:08:49.000
which are the different individuals on the team,

153
00:08:49.000 --> 00:08:53.000
then the more you win because you're on that same team.

154
00:08:53.000 --> 00:08:55.000
And plus, it's a whole lot more fun.

155
00:08:55.000 --> 00:08:59.000
It's a lot more joyful when you're helping each other that way.

156
00:08:59.000 --> 00:09:06.000
You know, undervaluing team sometimes is a product of not knowing how to build a team.

157
00:09:06.000 --> 00:09:10.000
Well, the only way to learn how to build a team is to build one.

158
00:09:10.000 --> 00:09:15.000
So, you know, you build it, you make some mistakes, you learn from it,

159
00:09:15.000 --> 00:09:19.000
you build again, you make a few more mistakes, you build it again.

160
00:09:19.000 --> 00:09:27.000
Each time you're on this skill development trajectory of becoming better and better as a team captain,

161
00:09:27.000 --> 00:09:32.000
team player, and that's how life becomes joyful,

162
00:09:32.000 --> 00:09:37.000
is working on a team, succeeding together on that team.

163
00:09:37.000 --> 00:09:40.000
Here at The Road, where I'm the pastor, we have a team.

164
00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:44.000
And I, as much as I can, try to include the team.

165
00:09:44.000 --> 00:09:45.000
That's the reason we do staff meetings.

166
00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:49.000
I lead the staff meetings, asking a lot of questions about how things went

167
00:09:49.000 --> 00:09:56.000
because I want everybody to feel like that they contribute to the success of the church and what we're doing.

168
00:09:56.000 --> 00:09:57.000
It's not that I have to have that.

169
00:09:57.000 --> 00:10:00.000
It's not even sometimes that I want to have that.

170
00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:05.820
I don't want to spend the time asking people's opinion, but I know the value that is to them.

171
00:10:05.820 --> 00:10:11.340
And then the beautiful thing is, man, we're a better church because of it.

172
00:10:11.340 --> 00:10:14.600
And so then you see the value of it by being a part of a team.

173
00:10:14.600 --> 00:10:19.380
So being a wholehearted team player is huge in EQ.

174
00:10:19.380 --> 00:10:26.540
So I hope this is helpful to you in developing in relationships, developing teamwork around

175
00:10:26.540 --> 00:10:33.940
you, not letting yourself get so busy and so stressed out that you isolate from people

176
00:10:33.940 --> 00:10:38.040
because you're hardwired for connection with people.

177
00:10:38.040 --> 00:10:39.860
That's the way God made us.

178
00:10:39.860 --> 00:10:42.620
He made us to be hardwired for connection with people.

179
00:10:42.620 --> 00:10:47.740
Matter of fact, they found in numerous studies, and I shared this earlier in one of the earlier

180
00:10:47.740 --> 00:10:52.700
episodes that we actually are wired to such a degree that we value.

181
00:10:52.700 --> 00:10:59.980
We may not be able to recognize it, but we value connection with people even more than

182
00:10:59.980 --> 00:11:05.780
food and water, that they find that people can survive longer.

183
00:11:05.780 --> 00:11:12.780
People have resiliency longer, heartier, stronger when they have other people with them than

184
00:11:12.780 --> 00:11:14.340
when they're alone.

185
00:11:14.340 --> 00:11:21.680
And so don't continue to live in isolation and confinement and find yourself just being

186
00:11:21.680 --> 00:11:24.760
totally a maverick, but work as a team.

187
00:11:24.760 --> 00:11:30.040
I pray that this has been helpful to you in growing in your EQ factor.

188
00:11:30.040 --> 00:11:31.920
It's a better way to go.

189
00:11:31.920 --> 00:11:33.400
It's going to be more successful for you.

190
00:11:33.400 --> 00:11:34.400
It's more fun.

191
00:11:34.400 --> 00:11:35.880
It's more enjoyable.

192
00:11:35.880 --> 00:11:36.880
So God bless you.

193
00:11:36.880 --> 00:11:37.880
I hope that's helpful to you.

194
00:11:37.880 --> 00:11:40.260
Share this with others if you think it has been.

195
00:11:40.260 --> 00:11:40.760
Take care.