WEBVTT

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Welcome to Love Story Accelerator weekly check-in.

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My name is Renee Rizzo and it is our weekly roundup.

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We have lots of ladies we need to hear from.

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We had a lot of days that happened in the last week, so I can't wait to hear that.

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First we're going to do some housekeeping.

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Raise your avatar hand if you are new to Facetune.

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This is your first session.

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First session.

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Okay, Mary.

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I can't.

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All right.

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Somebody else has got their hand raised.

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Awesome.

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Okay.

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So let me just kind of give you a summary.

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This may or not be similar to what you're used to in the heart check-in.

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Like typically when Jackie does a check-in, she kind of keeps everybody all together.

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I know that when Bethany teaches in phase one, you tend to kind of go into breakouts.

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We do not go into breakouts here in phase two.

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I just find that sometimes the questions are so good.

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I want to be able to speak into it and everybody hear the advice all at the same time.

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Because even if you don't have questions for phase two, you learn so much by listening

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to your sisters.

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So remember in phase two, there are like four, well, there's that love story accelerator

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introduction from Jackie.

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And if I'm not mistaken, it's been a while since I listened to it.

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I think in the introduction is when she talks about the dating challenge.

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She gives you a challenge of start drinking water, eat whole foods, all the good things.

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Like she just wants you to kind of put your best foot forward in all the areas.

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And then there are some training videos.

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There's one called Dating 101, where we talk about the five levels of dating.

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Level one is community conversation.

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That's like the easiest way to think about it.

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You're in a group setting.

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You're in a community.

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We are all right now having level one relationship because we're in community.

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Level two is when you get one-on-one dating.

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And we kind of feel like when you are just texting a guy that you meet online, that's

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really still level one.

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It doesn't become level two until you're actually out on a date.

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Now, if you're long distance and you plan a video date, then that of course counts as

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level two dating.

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Level two dating is discovery dating, just getting to know people.

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Level three dating is where you have decided to focus on one person.

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That is where the romance may start.

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And that is where you're starting to think, hey, this could be the one.

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Level four is engagement.

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Level five is marriage.

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And so that's what that Dating 101 session is all about.

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And for a lot of us, it is a completely big shift from the way that you've ever dated

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in the past.

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So make sure you watch that or re-watch that.

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Then, of course, there's the Divine Feminine video.

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I love it.

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She gives a really good explanation about the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine,

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where we started in the garden, where it went, where it kind of has swung back and where

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we need to be.

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And I love it because when you hear Divine Masculine and Feminine, it has a lot of hippy

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dibby woo woo sound to it.

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But it's not like that at all.

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And it's really a good way to understand how can you live in that.

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And for a lot of women, there are some of those character traits in Divine Feminine

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you really need to unpack here.

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And that's OK, especially for us boss babes and loud and proud folks.

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You know, we come in with a lot of energy.

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And how do we shift our energy from masculine energy into feminine without feeling like

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we need to be smaller?

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So that's that teaching.

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Then, of course, I do the online dating teaching.

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And I would argue, even if you're not going to do online dating and you're just going

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to do like Facebook pages, meetup groups, event groups, volunteer groups, I would still

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watch it because it gives you some really good advice about how to get noticed to a

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stranger.

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And then, of course, I love teaching boundaries.

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I've been teaching boundaries for 20 years.

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That's one of the last videos that you will watch.

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And I would ergo, I would say that those are great skills for you to have with everybody

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in your family.

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What we have since added to phase two is Jackie's new attachment style videos.

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If you've not watched them yet, the easiest place for you to find them is in your portal.

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There is an attachment assessment, a short assessment that you can take.

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It kind of, we kept it simplified.

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There's secure attachment, avoidant, and anxious.

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Um, of course there are things like anxious, anxious, avoidant, and there's all kind of

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variations of it, but we kind of kept it simple and unpacked that.

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So these weekly check-ins, I'm going to do a housekeeping of like the topics that we

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saw come up a lot.

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So now you're all in here at different phases.

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Some of you just got started.

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You've been here two weeks.

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You've been here a month.

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You've not been ready to fly the coop and that's okay because I love keeping you until

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I need to shove you out into phase three.

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It's all good.

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Um, and so I get to go over things that we saw were common that came up in the weekly

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roll call and then I turn it over to you guys and you guys get to ask me any questions about

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any of the videos, any places that you're stuck and any dating questions that you have.

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And so as folks know, I kind of go into the last question and sometimes I've been known

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to stand very late.

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If you need to go and go to bed, um, you go ahead and do that and you can watch the rest

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of it and replay.

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Um, I will warn you, this girl is tired.

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That'd be me.

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So I'm not going to last two hours tonight.

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So we're going to try to keep those questions.

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You're going to, I'm going to ask you to be super brief, um, in them and I'm going to

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try to answer your question and get to as many people as possible.

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Awesome.

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And if you're just like, I'm so lost in phase two, I don't know what the heck I'm doing.

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That could be your question and that's fine too.

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Um, okie dokie.

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And then the other thing is we really encourage you guys to stay engaged.

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Like, you know, I don't care if you hate Facebook and you're like, I'm never on Facebook.

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Once a week, go to the roll call on Sunday and fill out the post and maybe middle of

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the week.

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Kind of see how your sisters are doing.

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Cheer each other on.

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There's no reason why you can't hop on Facebook for 20 minutes in the middle of the week.

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Kind of see how your sisters are doing, cheer each other on, get some good advice, get some

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good answers and then peace out and you don't have to stay on Facebook for very long.

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I keep telling you guys, well, Jackie keeps saying that the app is almost ready.

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It really is.

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Um, and I will say when we move to the app, it'll be much easier because right now we're

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doing community on Facebook and all the content is on the Jackie Dorman portal.

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Once we get to the web-based app and phone version, the community is one tab and the

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content is another tab.

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And then all the zoom links are another tab right there, right there, but we have a really

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complex program.

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And so they've been having the company that we bought this from that's doing this for

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us.

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They've had to make a lot of upgrades to meet all of our needs.

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And so the developers are just doing the thing.

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So we're, we're, we're in the, we're in the home stretch.

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We feel really good about it.

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Um, okay.

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Surrendering.

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So one of the first topics is surrendering and leasing, lease, oh my gosh, releasing

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the outcome in dating, trusting God in the process, having expectancy that God wants

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to work in this area.

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You guys, it is so hard, especially when you're watching each other like, oh my gosh, you

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know, like Mary's got five dates and I can't even get one date.

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Like it's really easy, but y'all know comparison is the thief of joy.

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So we're just not going to do it.

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Um, you are all at different seasons of your life.

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Some of you may be pickier than others.

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Like some of you might be just swiping on everybody.

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So you're going to have an increased number of people that you'll talk to.

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Some of you are like, no, no, no.

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Well guess what?

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You've just trimmed down the number of people you're going to talk to just by doing that.

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And so try not to compare yourself, trust the process, trust the process.

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You guys, um, even I think there's a, there's a contemporary song out now.

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It's like, even when you can't see it, God's moving.

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So just because you don't see the results in front of you, doesn't mean that God's not

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moving on your behalf.

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Like I feel like we're going to get to heaven y'all and we're, God's going to like have

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a movie room.

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We're going to, we're, we're going to get to see those seasons of our lives where we

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were ticked off at God because we were like, you're, I may not praying and praying and

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praying or do not dang thing.

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And we're going to get to see the behind the scenes of all the crap that was going on and

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the angels and the demons, like they were all doing this stuff and just trying to move

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it forward.

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And we didn't even know it was all going on.

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So we just need to trust that when we pray and we act in obedience, God is moving even

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when we don't see it.

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So I really, really want you to trust in that.

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I also want you to be okay that some people are going to get to the, you know, get the

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weight loss done, the job thing, the home thing, the boyfriend, the marriage, somebody

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might get it faster than you.

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I don't know why y'all like, I can hold space for your why question.

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I can't answer the why only God gets to answer that question.

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And really we don't deserve to even ask God why, right?

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We just have to trust God's hand.

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We have to trust his heart even when we can't see his hand.

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That was a famous song from New Song and I just love that line, when you can't trace

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his hand, trust his heart.

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And so I just want to encourage you to do that.

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Just keep working at it.

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Keep doing the thing.

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Keep being your best self.

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Keep showing up.

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Keep staying in community.

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Keep pressing forward.

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Find things to distract you.

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Find things that bring you joy.

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Try not to make this all about finding a husband.

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You guys, I wrote a book a couple, I just, well, it was a Bible study that I taught for

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many, many years and I finally turned it into a book.

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And one of the chapters was, when hope doesn't hurry, because at the time even of publishing,

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I was two and a half decades in waiting for my spirit mate to show up.

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So if anybody knows about waiting, you know, through hope, I do.

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And one of the things I had to really come to terms with is I needed to make sure that

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the thing I was hoping for was smaller than my hope in Christ.

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If I made my hope in getting married bigger than my hope in God, then I've turned it into

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my idol.

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Now, here's what I'm not saying to you guys.

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Like I was out to dinner with some girlfriends from church last night and I was talking to

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a couple of single people, they were married people, they were single women there.

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And one of them said, you know, I'm just, I really am at a place in my life where I'm

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content in my singleness.

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But she also said, and if God wants me to be married, he's just going to make it happen.

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I'm like, okay, so what are you doing about it?

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And she's like, well, you know, I'm living my life and I'm like, okay, so unless you

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marry the Amazon guy, like how is he going to meet you?

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Does like every activity you do put you, I said, tell me one activity you do that puts

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you in the presence of single men.

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And she mentioned all this stuff that she does.

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I go, yes, but do any of those things put you in the presence of a single man?

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And she's like, well, no.

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So here's the thing.

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And Jackie talks about this all the time.

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It's like finding the right balance of doing your part, letting God do his part.

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And you're only responsible for your part, but you guys, your part matters.

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So yes, from the inside out, we want to show up for our best self.

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We want you to be, you know, filling your body with worship and word and meditation.

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We want you to wash your skin, you know, exercise, steps, eat healthy.

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We want the glow on your face.

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We want you to be doing all the things.

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And so you do your part, getting out there and mingling.

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You guys, if you don't want to do online dating, don't do online dating.

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But, you know, like I was coaching somebody and she was like, well, there's nothing to

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do in my town.

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She lived, I'm not even gonna tell you where she lives because I want you to know who it

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was.

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I literally Googled while we were on the phone, single meetups.

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And I mentioned her city.

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This a plethora of options came up.

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So meetup, eventbrite, like all this cool stuff came up.

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I said, do you realize what you could be signing up to do in your town?

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And that means you never need to get online.

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And you guys, you might say, well, like I live in a town that doesn't, then look for

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a town that's three hours away.

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Because if you're in a little town, you know, meeting nobody and you don't want to get online,

235
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then you're probably not going to meet anybody.

236
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Like you got to be willing to do something and do something different.

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And you know, when people say you have to be content in your singleness, like I want

238
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to help you with that.

239
00:12:53.580 --> 00:12:55.580
Cause you guys, I used to punch people out.

240
00:12:55.580 --> 00:12:56.740
Like I'm not, I'm not going to lie.

241
00:12:56.740 --> 00:12:57.740
I'm Italian.

242
00:12:57.740 --> 00:13:00.740
I was in Israel with these people last year and I almost decked them.

243
00:13:00.740 --> 00:13:04.320
Cause like when you say be content in your singleness, I'm like, really?

244
00:13:04.320 --> 00:13:09.460
So do you tell the couple, do you tell the couple that's trying to get pregnant to be

245
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content in their barrenness?

246
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No.

247
00:13:12.100 --> 00:13:16.020
Do you tell the person that we're praying for to get rid of their cancer that they should

248
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be content with their cancer?

249
00:13:17.540 --> 00:13:18.540
No.

250
00:13:18.540 --> 00:13:22.260
Do you tell the guy that just lost his job that he needs a new job to be content in his

251
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unemployment?

252
00:13:23.940 --> 00:13:24.940
No.

253
00:13:24.940 --> 00:13:27.700
We pray for these things and we pray big for these things.

254
00:13:27.700 --> 00:13:31.460
Now that doesn't mean I can't be content with where I am right now.

255
00:13:31.460 --> 00:13:34.940
Cause here's the thing you guys, I am, I'm now in a great level three relationship.

256
00:13:34.940 --> 00:13:39.540
We're actually kind of doing, we're, we're, we're, we're being so frugal and stuff.

257
00:13:39.540 --> 00:13:43.300
We're kind of like planning the marriage path and all of the things that need to happen

258
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before then.

259
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And so, you know, I can say this, but even before him and even with him, you guys, I

260
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love him.

261
00:13:51.420 --> 00:13:52.420
I love him.

262
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I can marry him.

263
00:13:53.420 --> 00:13:56.020
But if we broke up tomorrow, I still would be okay.

264
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That's secure attachment.

265
00:13:57.580 --> 00:14:00.940
You guys, that's, and I've never had that kind of secure attachment.

266
00:14:00.940 --> 00:14:05.820
So I am content in my singleness, but I also want to be married.

267
00:14:05.820 --> 00:14:09.420
Those I can hold space for both of those.

268
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So I would love for you guys to carry that posture.

269
00:14:12.700 --> 00:14:17.660
And I, I've never sought, sought, taught this before, but some of you and some of the people

270
00:14:17.660 --> 00:14:23.340
even in phase three are presenting so desperate, like, and whiny about it.

271
00:14:23.340 --> 00:14:28.020
Y'all, no dude is going to get like, he's, he's just not going to attract that kind of

272
00:14:28.020 --> 00:14:29.020
energy.

273
00:14:29.020 --> 00:14:33.940
So I want you to find this place where you can be content with who you are today.

274
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But I want to encourage you in this program to strive to be the best version of yourself

275
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that you can possibly be.

276
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So when you're not getting dates, what can you be working on?

277
00:14:43.740 --> 00:14:45.700
What can you be enjoying?

278
00:14:45.700 --> 00:14:47.100
What can you do to serve somebody else?

279
00:14:47.100 --> 00:14:49.340
What can you do to make yourself laugh?

280
00:14:49.340 --> 00:14:55.340
And so be content with where you are, strive to be better, but also still desire your mate.

281
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I believe God can let you hold both together.

282
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You don't have to choose.

283
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:05.000
So I hope that helps you when your annoying married friends

284
00:15:07.060 --> 00:15:09.160
tell you, especially the miserably married.

285
00:15:09.160 --> 00:15:11.200
My favorite are the miserably married.

286
00:15:11.200 --> 00:15:13.200
Oh, you're so lucky to be single.

287
00:15:13.200 --> 00:15:14.960
You don't know how good you have it.

288
00:15:14.960 --> 00:15:16.800
And then I usually get snarky and go,

289
00:15:16.800 --> 00:15:18.480
I'm sorry, was I not clear?

290
00:15:18.480 --> 00:15:20.640
I don't want you your marriage.

291
00:15:20.640 --> 00:15:22.780
I just want a healthy marriage.

292
00:15:22.780 --> 00:15:27.780
That's only when they just get me all riled up.

293
00:15:28.220 --> 00:15:29.820
Okay.

294
00:15:29.820 --> 00:15:31.620
See the second bullet point I went into

295
00:15:31.620 --> 00:15:34.660
without even doing it, growing personally.

296
00:15:34.660 --> 00:15:37.380
And so that's the thing you guys, in the last,

297
00:15:37.380 --> 00:15:39.860
and I don't know what you need to do.

298
00:15:39.860 --> 00:15:42.540
I was working as a CEO of a nonprofit

299
00:15:42.540 --> 00:15:44.860
when I started this program three years ago.

300
00:15:44.860 --> 00:15:46.540
I had since then stepped down.

301
00:15:46.540 --> 00:15:48.380
And in the last three years,

302
00:15:48.380 --> 00:15:51.460
I've had to redefine what my identity was.

303
00:15:51.460 --> 00:15:53.580
Cause I went from being like a big CEO

304
00:15:53.580 --> 00:15:56.900
known in this community to like a big fat nothing, right?

305
00:15:57.020 --> 00:15:58.420
Like, cause I'm going to seminary school.

306
00:15:58.420 --> 00:15:59.560
Like I got into seminary.

307
00:15:59.560 --> 00:16:01.740
I finally applied to seminary and I got in.

308
00:16:01.740 --> 00:16:04.780
So I'm purposely doing contract work

309
00:16:04.780 --> 00:16:07.280
so that school can be my primary focus.

310
00:16:07.280 --> 00:16:10.980
So it just means my big title had to take a back seat.

311
00:16:10.980 --> 00:16:13.760
And so God's been really working on my identity.

312
00:16:13.760 --> 00:16:15.300
So that's been super important for me.

313
00:16:15.300 --> 00:16:17.100
I've been working on my physical health.

314
00:16:17.100 --> 00:16:18.420
I've lost a lot of weight.

315
00:16:18.420 --> 00:16:19.780
I'm getting in shape.

316
00:16:19.780 --> 00:16:23.660
I felt really good about my eating and my sleeping

317
00:16:23.660 --> 00:16:25.500
and my exercise routine.

318
00:16:25.540 --> 00:16:27.740
And then of course, I just mentioned I published a book.

319
00:16:27.740 --> 00:16:30.880
So you guys, there's so much God has for you

320
00:16:30.880 --> 00:16:34.420
to get started on today, even without your mate.

321
00:16:34.420 --> 00:16:38.200
So we want to help you and encourage you through that.

322
00:16:39.660 --> 00:16:42.460
The other thing, okay, that we always bring up,

323
00:16:42.460 --> 00:16:45.300
this always comes up, you guys, in your phase

324
00:16:45.300 --> 00:16:46.980
and even in phase three.

325
00:16:46.980 --> 00:16:49.240
How do you talk about faith with guys?

326
00:16:49.240 --> 00:16:52.320
Now, some of you are all like all into Jesus.

327
00:16:52.320 --> 00:16:54.260
Y'all like are speaking in tongues.

328
00:16:54.260 --> 00:16:58.140
You do like Beth Moore Bible study, not Bible study light.

329
00:16:58.140 --> 00:17:01.340
You know, like you can do homework in your Bible study

330
00:17:01.340 --> 00:17:03.760
and you want your man to match up with you.

331
00:17:03.760 --> 00:17:07.540
You want him to like preach and teach at your level.

332
00:17:07.540 --> 00:17:11.099
And so you start asking questions really early on.

333
00:17:11.099 --> 00:17:12.780
So I will say this.

334
00:17:12.780 --> 00:17:15.780
So I'm gonna tell you how I ask about faith

335
00:17:15.780 --> 00:17:17.700
in all of the phases.

336
00:17:17.700 --> 00:17:20.380
So if I'm just texting with a guy

337
00:17:20.380 --> 00:17:23.380
and it's not clear what his, I will say this first.

338
00:17:23.380 --> 00:17:24.740
Let me back up.

339
00:17:24.740 --> 00:17:29.740
I tended to personally only swipe right, right, right,

340
00:17:29.980 --> 00:17:33.220
on guys who mentioned their Christianity,

341
00:17:33.220 --> 00:17:34.900
someplace, they marked it.

342
00:17:34.900 --> 00:17:37.400
Now I'm in the South, so Christianity means nothing.

343
00:17:37.400 --> 00:17:38.740
Like they're Christian,

344
00:17:38.740 --> 00:17:40.300
that means really nothing in the South.

345
00:17:40.300 --> 00:17:42.080
You gotta ask a little bit more.

346
00:17:42.080 --> 00:17:46.160
But for me, spiritual, when they mark spiritual,

347
00:17:46.160 --> 00:17:48.100
that didn't work for me.

348
00:17:48.100 --> 00:17:50.460
Jackie has said, I think she says in the videos

349
00:17:50.460 --> 00:17:51.820
that she knows Christian men

350
00:17:51.820 --> 00:17:53.740
who purposely don't put Christian

351
00:17:53.740 --> 00:17:56.660
because it sounds so creepy me even saying this.

352
00:17:56.660 --> 00:17:58.500
They don't want all these women coming after him

353
00:17:58.500 --> 00:18:00.820
who just wanna get married, whatever dude.

354
00:18:02.220 --> 00:18:04.060
I've personally not experienced that.

355
00:18:04.060 --> 00:18:06.980
If they don't put Christian, they aren't.

356
00:18:06.980 --> 00:18:09.980
If they put spiritual, it's woo woo.

357
00:18:09.980 --> 00:18:13.800
It's like woke Jesus, it's woke something, it's tree hugger.

358
00:18:13.800 --> 00:18:16.100
I don't know what it is, it ain't Christianity.

359
00:18:16.100 --> 00:18:18.260
But I don't wanna tell you what to do.

360
00:18:18.260 --> 00:18:21.380
I've been online for the last three years, pretty heavy.

361
00:18:21.900 --> 00:18:24.540
I'm just here to tell you that usually

362
00:18:24.540 --> 00:18:25.700
if they're a believer,

363
00:18:25.700 --> 00:18:30.060
they at least mention it somewhere, somewhere.

364
00:18:30.060 --> 00:18:32.220
But if they're vague about it,

365
00:18:32.220 --> 00:18:34.840
here's how I get a little bit more information

366
00:18:34.840 --> 00:18:35.860
about their faith.

367
00:18:35.860 --> 00:18:39.340
I say, hey, what are the things that are important to you?

368
00:18:39.340 --> 00:18:40.660
So you can break this down.

369
00:18:40.660 --> 00:18:42.420
What are the things that are important to you

370
00:18:42.420 --> 00:18:44.620
that you love to do

371
00:18:44.620 --> 00:18:47.580
that are taking up your time and energy right now?

372
00:18:48.700 --> 00:18:50.580
What is it that you love to do

373
00:18:51.700 --> 00:18:53.100
that you make time for

374
00:18:53.100 --> 00:18:55.940
that's taking up your time and energy?

375
00:18:55.940 --> 00:19:00.340
And sometimes to help them, I'll say, I'll go first.

376
00:19:00.340 --> 00:19:01.220
I'll go first.

377
00:19:01.220 --> 00:19:05.740
And I'll say, right now, eating healthy and exercising

378
00:19:05.740 --> 00:19:07.140
is really important to me.

379
00:19:08.580 --> 00:19:10.300
I love to learn.

380
00:19:10.300 --> 00:19:12.300
I'm back in school, so I love to learn.

381
00:19:12.300 --> 00:19:13.900
I love to go hiking.

382
00:19:13.900 --> 00:19:16.420
I love musical theater.

383
00:19:16.420 --> 00:19:18.740
I love college sports.

384
00:19:18.780 --> 00:19:21.980
I love to hike and I'm very active in my church.

385
00:19:21.980 --> 00:19:23.620
That's a big part of my life.

386
00:19:23.620 --> 00:19:26.540
So you see how I slipped in the church in there

387
00:19:26.540 --> 00:19:29.380
in a list of all the other things that I love

388
00:19:29.380 --> 00:19:31.740
because I don't want him to think I'm creepy Jesus girl

389
00:19:31.740 --> 00:19:33.440
that just only does stuff at church.

390
00:19:33.440 --> 00:19:36.220
I want him to know that I have a lot of other interests

391
00:19:36.220 --> 00:19:37.680
and not just church.

392
00:19:37.680 --> 00:19:39.900
So I'll say, how about you?

393
00:19:39.900 --> 00:19:42.300
Now they might mention a whole bunch of stuff.

394
00:19:42.300 --> 00:19:46.500
And so if they don't mention faith at all,

395
00:19:46.500 --> 00:19:48.080
I don't push it.

396
00:19:48.420 --> 00:19:50.560
I just go, hmm, note to self.

397
00:19:50.560 --> 00:19:54.200
And I look for another opportunity later.

398
00:19:54.200 --> 00:19:56.520
So then, because remember, I've already coached,

399
00:19:56.520 --> 00:19:58.680
if you watch the online dating video,

400
00:19:58.680 --> 00:20:00.280
I already coached that I don't.

401
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:03.600
longer than a week, I refuse to text longer than a week.

402
00:20:03.600 --> 00:20:06.440
How I get off of texting is some version of,

403
00:20:06.440 --> 00:20:09.920
that's a great question, it's too clunky for texting,

404
00:20:09.920 --> 00:20:12.040
I would love to answer that by video.

405
00:20:12.040 --> 00:20:15.780
I'm personally a fan of video versus Google Voice

406
00:20:15.780 --> 00:20:18.280
because I don't want them having my phone number,

407
00:20:18.280 --> 00:20:20.680
I don't want them texting me all damn day,

408
00:20:20.680 --> 00:20:23.720
I don't want them to continuing the texting saga,

409
00:20:23.720 --> 00:20:26.680
I want them to book a video date with me,

410
00:20:26.680 --> 00:20:30.520
I want them to book the time, I wanna own my phone.

411
00:20:30.520 --> 00:20:32.880
And so for me, I know for some of people,

412
00:20:32.880 --> 00:20:34.520
they love getting Google numbers

413
00:20:34.520 --> 00:20:37.480
and they love going from the app to a voicemail,

414
00:20:37.480 --> 00:20:40.280
I'm a visual learner, I need to see your face,

415
00:20:40.280 --> 00:20:41.980
I need to see your body language,

416
00:20:41.980 --> 00:20:43.400
I need to see all the things.

417
00:20:43.400 --> 00:20:45.840
So that's what I request to do.

418
00:20:45.840 --> 00:20:47.200
And if they don't wanna move to that,

419
00:20:47.200 --> 00:20:49.240
sooner or later, I'm done with them.

420
00:20:49.240 --> 00:20:51.600
So once we're on the video call,

421
00:20:51.600 --> 00:20:53.480
you know, if they talk about,

422
00:20:53.480 --> 00:20:55.640
like I might ask like a fun question,

423
00:20:55.760 --> 00:20:57.120
and actually maybe next week,

424
00:20:57.120 --> 00:20:59.280
next week, I'm gonna do my table topics,

425
00:20:59.280 --> 00:21:00.600
there's a bunch of fun questions

426
00:21:00.600 --> 00:21:04.480
and I'm gonna pick out my top 20 fun questions to ask

427
00:21:04.480 --> 00:21:05.960
on those early dates.

428
00:21:05.960 --> 00:21:08.800
They are a great way for you to find out

429
00:21:08.800 --> 00:21:10.960
a lot of stuff about somebody,

430
00:21:10.960 --> 00:21:14.340
but kind of covertly without having them vomit

431
00:21:14.340 --> 00:21:15.800
all of the crap we don't want you

432
00:21:15.800 --> 00:21:17.920
to have them vomit right away.

433
00:21:17.920 --> 00:21:20.120
And so, but I might ask them like,

434
00:21:20.120 --> 00:21:23.000
you know, what's the biggest thing that you accomplished

435
00:21:23.000 --> 00:21:24.320
that you feel really good about,

436
00:21:24.320 --> 00:21:25.840
you know, kind of thing, you know,

437
00:21:25.840 --> 00:21:27.200
and then they might tell me like,

438
00:21:27.200 --> 00:21:28.400
oh my gosh, well, you know what?

439
00:21:28.400 --> 00:21:32.200
I was able to get a scholarship to college and graduate.

440
00:21:32.200 --> 00:21:33.160
Awesome.

441
00:21:33.160 --> 00:21:35.080
You know, then I might slip in,

442
00:21:35.080 --> 00:21:38.140
so did you notice if your faith paid a part of that?

443
00:21:38.140 --> 00:21:40.400
Like you overcoming that, you excelling that,

444
00:21:40.400 --> 00:21:43.200
did your faith play a part in that?

445
00:21:43.200 --> 00:21:44.880
Did your faith play a part in that?

446
00:21:44.880 --> 00:21:47.520
So that's how I start to ask about faith.

447
00:21:47.520 --> 00:21:50.320
Did your, does your faith, or I might even say,

448
00:21:50.320 --> 00:21:52.640
hey, so you know what, you kind of alluded to it,

449
00:21:52.640 --> 00:21:54.280
or you put Christianity on your thing,

450
00:21:55.120 --> 00:21:55.960
but you haven't really talked about it.

451
00:21:55.960 --> 00:22:00.260
Does faith show up for you in your everyday life?

452
00:22:00.260 --> 00:22:03.160
Does faith show up for you in your everyday life?

453
00:22:03.160 --> 00:22:06.560
You see how I'm not asking what their denomination is yet.

454
00:22:06.560 --> 00:22:09.240
I'm not asking what their church attendance is.

455
00:22:09.240 --> 00:22:11.840
I'm not asking them if they can speak in tongues yet.

456
00:22:11.840 --> 00:22:13.640
Like I'm not asking them any of that.

457
00:22:13.640 --> 00:22:16.300
I wanna just have them start to talk about

458
00:22:16.300 --> 00:22:19.480
what their faith looks like in everyday language.

459
00:22:19.480 --> 00:22:22.900
My favorite is when the real religious,

460
00:22:22.900 --> 00:22:24.120
or they grew up real religious,

461
00:22:24.960 --> 00:22:26.320
but they're not, they start with their whole story

462
00:22:26.320 --> 00:22:29.240
about their grandma and their mom and the faith

463
00:22:29.240 --> 00:22:30.520
and what they grew up into kids.

464
00:22:30.520 --> 00:22:33.620
So I'll let them ramble and then I'll go, that's awesome.

465
00:22:33.620 --> 00:22:35.760
So how does that show up for you today?

466
00:22:36.960 --> 00:22:39.740
Like, I didn't ask you what your grandma's faith is.

467
00:22:39.740 --> 00:22:41.800
I asked you how it shows up for you today.

468
00:22:41.800 --> 00:22:43.320
And if they don't say anything,

469
00:22:43.320 --> 00:22:45.480
then again, I kind of make note of that.

470
00:22:45.480 --> 00:22:49.000
For me, I can usually get that information in video dates.

471
00:22:49.000 --> 00:22:50.400
If I don't get them in video dates,

472
00:22:50.400 --> 00:22:52.360
I definitely get them on the first date.

473
00:22:52.360 --> 00:22:54.360
But I don't, if you've noticed yet,

474
00:22:54.360 --> 00:22:58.200
I'm still not asking about their attendance and everything.

475
00:22:58.200 --> 00:23:02.520
I will say for me, I've been in ministry for 25 years.

476
00:23:02.520 --> 00:23:04.400
I'm now in seminary school.

477
00:23:04.400 --> 00:23:06.080
I don't want some yo-yo Christian.

478
00:23:06.080 --> 00:23:09.600
Like, if he can't even answer those basic questions

479
00:23:09.600 --> 00:23:12.360
I just told you, he's probably not my guy.

480
00:23:12.360 --> 00:23:15.840
Now, I don't know where y'all are in your faith journey.

481
00:23:15.840 --> 00:23:18.360
And so you might have a different deal breaker

482
00:23:18.360 --> 00:23:19.440
on that faith.

483
00:23:19.440 --> 00:23:23.360
I would just say, pay attention to what they say.

484
00:23:23.360 --> 00:23:25.640
Don't ask too many questions in a row

485
00:23:25.640 --> 00:23:27.280
because then they're gonna feel like

486
00:23:27.280 --> 00:23:30.680
you're kind of like, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

487
00:23:30.680 --> 00:23:33.400
The other thing I wanna encourage you on is,

488
00:23:33.400 --> 00:23:34.240
and just to remind you,

489
00:23:34.240 --> 00:23:36.860
especially here in this community, you guys,

490
00:23:36.860 --> 00:23:38.640
this is an ecumenical community.

491
00:23:38.640 --> 00:23:41.240
Every denomination is represented here.

492
00:23:41.240 --> 00:23:43.480
Everybody has a different religious background.

493
00:23:43.480 --> 00:23:46.360
And so we don't like place a higher authority

494
00:23:46.360 --> 00:23:47.800
on the Pentecostals.

495
00:23:47.800 --> 00:23:49.360
We don't crap on the Catholics.

496
00:23:50.280 --> 00:23:51.440
Like, we just don't do that here.

497
00:23:51.440 --> 00:23:53.920
We all, you know, and so I just wanna make sure

498
00:23:53.920 --> 00:23:55.480
that when people mention stuff

499
00:23:55.480 --> 00:23:57.600
or when you mention stuff in posts,

500
00:23:57.600 --> 00:24:00.120
try not to dog a denomination

501
00:24:00.120 --> 00:24:03.260
or don't assume all denominations feel this way.

502
00:24:04.520 --> 00:24:06.320
I have a minor in religion.

503
00:24:06.320 --> 00:24:08.920
I have spoken at hundreds of churches.

504
00:24:08.920 --> 00:24:12.360
I probably know the doctrine of most denominations

505
00:24:12.360 --> 00:24:14.260
and I can find fault in all of them,

506
00:24:14.260 --> 00:24:15.720
even the non-denom, you guys.

507
00:24:15.720 --> 00:24:18.760
And so there's religious spirit in all of them.

508
00:24:18.760 --> 00:24:21.560
There is hypocrisy in all of them

509
00:24:21.560 --> 00:24:24.540
and the Holy Spirit can actually move in all of them.

510
00:24:24.540 --> 00:24:26.160
I used to work at a Presbyterian church.

511
00:24:26.160 --> 00:24:28.040
We were called the Frozen Chosen.

512
00:24:28.040 --> 00:24:29.120
I promise you though,

513
00:24:29.120 --> 00:24:31.280
I saw some Pentecostal Presbyterians.

514
00:24:31.280 --> 00:24:33.900
They were just a little bit more low key about it.

515
00:24:33.900 --> 00:24:35.640
Like the women would do it on retreats.

516
00:24:35.640 --> 00:24:37.200
They wouldn't do it on Sunday service,

517
00:24:37.200 --> 00:24:38.680
but boy, they did it on retreats.

518
00:24:38.680 --> 00:24:39.980
They used to make me laugh.

519
00:24:39.980 --> 00:24:40.820
Okay.

520
00:24:41.760 --> 00:24:43.740
Attachment styles.

521
00:24:43.740 --> 00:24:44.580
Let's see.

522
00:24:44.580 --> 00:24:47.920
Okay, so the basic two attachment styles

523
00:24:47.920 --> 00:24:52.600
that you wanna be aware of is on the anxious attachment.

524
00:24:52.600 --> 00:24:54.480
Anxious attachment, people,

525
00:24:54.480 --> 00:24:56.880
I grew up in a very anxious attachment,

526
00:24:56.880 --> 00:24:58.480
although I was probably like Jackie.

527
00:24:58.480 --> 00:24:59.880
Jackie has claimed she was.

528
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:03.400
I'm anxious avoidant and I, you know, our trauma,

529
00:25:03.400 --> 00:25:04.760
childhood trauma is very similar.

530
00:25:04.760 --> 00:25:07.600
And I would say I was kind of anxious avoidant.

531
00:25:07.600 --> 00:25:10.440
So anxious means that you want to draw

532
00:25:10.440 --> 00:25:12.080
in quickly to somebody.

533
00:25:12.080 --> 00:25:14.320
You want to attach quickly.

534
00:25:14.320 --> 00:25:16.480
It's slightly different than love bombing.

535
00:25:16.480 --> 00:25:18.640
Sometimes love bombing is just

536
00:25:18.640 --> 00:25:20.740
you're vomiting this love thing.

537
00:25:22.160 --> 00:25:24.240
Anxious attachment, people don't need to say

538
00:25:24.240 --> 00:25:25.800
I love you right away,

539
00:25:25.800 --> 00:25:28.640
but they do need to attach right away.

540
00:25:28.680 --> 00:25:29.920
And so those are gonna be,

541
00:25:29.920 --> 00:25:32.240
if you are an anxious attachment,

542
00:25:32.240 --> 00:25:36.080
you will tend to go deep really quickly

543
00:25:36.080 --> 00:25:37.760
in your conversation.

544
00:25:37.760 --> 00:25:40.720
You will trauma bond much more easily.

545
00:25:40.720 --> 00:25:43.300
You'll like share each other's wounds and traumas

546
00:25:43.300 --> 00:25:44.720
and it'll be amazing.

547
00:25:44.720 --> 00:25:46.920
And you will probably be the one most likely

548
00:25:46.920 --> 00:25:50.920
to what we call, we have an emotional hangover.

549
00:25:50.920 --> 00:25:52.920
Like you'll wake up the next morning

550
00:25:52.920 --> 00:25:54.040
and you're a little embarrassed

551
00:25:54.040 --> 00:25:55.960
that you shared as much as you did,

552
00:25:55.960 --> 00:25:57.640
or you're embarrassed that you let him share

553
00:25:57.640 --> 00:25:58.840
as much as he did.

554
00:25:59.760 --> 00:26:03.720
And so, and typically anxious attachments

555
00:26:03.720 --> 00:26:07.320
tend to attract avoidance, the exact opposite.

556
00:26:07.320 --> 00:26:10.580
Avoidance look just like anxious attachments

557
00:26:10.580 --> 00:26:11.600
in the first week.

558
00:26:11.600 --> 00:26:14.320
They're all in, they woo you in.

559
00:26:14.320 --> 00:26:16.280
And the anxious person's like,

560
00:26:16.280 --> 00:26:19.200
I'm not sure, I'm not sure I've done all this therapy.

561
00:26:19.200 --> 00:26:21.560
I don't know, this is a little too much too soon.

562
00:26:21.560 --> 00:26:24.680
And just when the avoidant like hooks you

563
00:26:24.680 --> 00:26:27.160
and you're like, oh my gosh, you are the best thing.

564
00:26:27.680 --> 00:26:29.960
And all of a sudden the avoidant is out of there.

565
00:26:29.960 --> 00:26:33.700
So avoidance do like the chase in the front end.

566
00:26:33.700 --> 00:26:35.960
So that's why they're harder to spot

567
00:26:35.960 --> 00:26:39.400
because they almost mirror the way an anxious is.

568
00:26:39.400 --> 00:26:40.980
And then they kind of peace out.

569
00:26:40.980 --> 00:26:43.320
And you guys know that's like the dance.

570
00:26:43.320 --> 00:26:46.680
So an attachment kind of goes in,

571
00:26:46.680 --> 00:26:49.480
the avoidant freaks out and they go back

572
00:26:49.480 --> 00:26:51.560
and then the attachment keeps going in.

573
00:26:51.560 --> 00:26:53.400
Here's how the dance changes.

574
00:26:53.400 --> 00:26:55.480
The anxious person goes, I'm not gonna do this.

575
00:26:55.480 --> 00:26:57.240
And so they turn and leave.

576
00:26:57.240 --> 00:26:58.800
Guess what happens to the avoidant

577
00:26:58.800 --> 00:27:00.480
when the anxious person turns and leaves?

578
00:27:00.480 --> 00:27:03.080
Ah, they start going after them.

579
00:27:03.080 --> 00:27:05.720
The problem is the minute that person turns back in

580
00:27:05.720 --> 00:27:10.080
and reaches, it's like this, right?

581
00:27:10.080 --> 00:27:13.300
And so avoidance, they want it, you guys.

582
00:27:13.300 --> 00:27:15.080
And so some of this, and it's okay y'all

583
00:27:15.080 --> 00:27:18.440
because everyone just assumes all anxious attachment people

584
00:27:18.440 --> 00:27:19.840
are women and all avoidance are men.

585
00:27:19.840 --> 00:27:21.040
That is so not true.

586
00:27:21.040 --> 00:27:23.120
I know plenty of men, actually ironically,

587
00:27:23.120 --> 00:27:24.400
the guy that I'm with now,

588
00:27:24.400 --> 00:27:26.800
we are both technically secure attachment,

589
00:27:26.800 --> 00:27:29.680
but our unhealthy side,

590
00:27:29.680 --> 00:27:31.720
we both go back to anxious attachment.

591
00:27:31.720 --> 00:27:33.440
So it's been interesting having

592
00:27:33.440 --> 00:27:36.680
two anxious attachment styles together.

593
00:27:36.680 --> 00:27:37.960
We're just not used to it.

594
00:27:37.960 --> 00:27:40.840
We're used to the avoidant trying to peace out.

595
00:27:40.840 --> 00:27:43.360
And it's okay for the women to be avoidant.

596
00:27:43.360 --> 00:27:44.920
And you know you're an avoidant

597
00:27:44.920 --> 00:27:47.760
when you feel like you have it right in front of you

598
00:27:47.760 --> 00:27:51.140
and you find every single reason to break up with them.

599
00:27:52.100 --> 00:27:52.940
You know, it's funny,

600
00:27:52.940 --> 00:27:56.380
cause I'm dating myself, but Jerry Seinfeld,

601
00:27:56.380 --> 00:28:00.260
like Jerry Seinfeld, George Costanza always found,

602
00:28:00.260 --> 00:28:02.540
I mean, and he was like the little short fat bald guy.

603
00:28:02.540 --> 00:28:04.980
He always started criticizing women

604
00:28:04.980 --> 00:28:06.660
and finding like fault with them.

605
00:28:06.660 --> 00:28:08.920
Like he just, he was like an avoidant.

606
00:28:08.920 --> 00:28:10.460
Like he wanted relationships,

607
00:28:10.460 --> 00:28:14.040
but then he just started nitpicking the crap out of them.

608
00:28:14.040 --> 00:28:17.980
And obviously a secure attachment is not in any rush.

609
00:28:17.980 --> 00:28:20.900
And so you guys know I'm closer and secure attachment

610
00:28:21.660 --> 00:28:25.180
at the beginning of this session that I adore Rick.

611
00:28:25.180 --> 00:28:27.020
I could see myself marrying Rick.

612
00:28:27.020 --> 00:28:28.780
We're actually heading in that direction

613
00:28:28.780 --> 00:28:30.420
with all of our plans.

614
00:28:30.420 --> 00:28:35.420
But if he said to me tomorrow, no, I would be sad.

615
00:28:36.420 --> 00:28:38.700
I would be sad, but I would not be devastated

616
00:28:38.700 --> 00:28:39.820
and I would be okay.

617
00:28:39.820 --> 00:28:42.300
Now I also will say we're not having sex.

618
00:28:42.300 --> 00:28:43.900
That plays a big role.

619
00:28:43.900 --> 00:28:45.820
So when you get to phase three,

620
00:28:45.820 --> 00:28:47.860
we talk a lot more about sex.

621
00:28:47.860 --> 00:28:50.500
There's a really good sex episode that Jackie and I did

622
00:28:51.100 --> 00:28:53.100
and we are both as blunt as they can be.

623
00:28:53.100 --> 00:28:56.620
And so we are not afraid to kind of go there.

624
00:28:56.620 --> 00:28:59.300
And so I can tell you firsthand, I'm no saint,

625
00:28:59.300 --> 00:29:01.740
I've done it wrong, but I can tell you

626
00:29:01.740 --> 00:29:03.860
it is far easier to break up with someone

627
00:29:03.860 --> 00:29:06.020
you've not had sex with than one that you have.

628
00:29:06.020 --> 00:29:08.500
Like it's just the name of the game.

629
00:29:08.500 --> 00:29:11.300
Okay, I wanna open it up now.

630
00:29:11.300 --> 00:29:13.700
I always like ending at the bottom of the hour

631
00:29:13.700 --> 00:29:16.500
because I love opening it up to questions.

632
00:29:16.500 --> 00:29:18.620
And so now is your chance to ask questions.

633
00:29:18.620 --> 00:29:20.460
You raise your avatar hand.

634
00:29:20.460 --> 00:29:23.700
As they hit across my screen, I let you go.

635
00:29:23.700 --> 00:29:25.700
And so again, we have a lot of folks.

636
00:29:25.700 --> 00:29:28.620
Ooh, yeah, we've got like 36 folks here now.

637
00:29:28.620 --> 00:29:30.420
So I wanna make sure that I get a chance

638
00:29:30.420 --> 00:29:31.580
to listen to everybody.

639
00:29:31.580 --> 00:29:33.780
Christina, you are hot with the button, girl.

640
00:29:33.780 --> 00:29:34.820
You are up.

641
00:29:36.820 --> 00:29:39.020
I forget, do you have an update for us?

642
00:29:39.020 --> 00:29:40.020
A dating update?

643
00:29:40.020 --> 00:29:40.860
I can't remember.

644
00:29:40.860 --> 00:29:42.340
I had like five people.

645
00:29:42.340 --> 00:29:43.180
Again.

646
00:29:44.220 --> 00:29:46.220
Yeah, so my dating update.

647
00:29:47.140 --> 00:29:51.300
I went out on a second date with the fire men

648
00:29:51.300 --> 00:29:53.620
and I was already not like feeling it

649
00:29:53.620 --> 00:29:55.540
because of his comment that he made.

650
00:29:55.540 --> 00:29:59.700
So he knew, I told him that I worked that day

651
00:29:59.700 --> 00:30:00.540
and he had.

652
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:02.820
called me when I got off work, like, I'm a nurse, I work long

653
00:30:02.820 --> 00:30:06.180
hours, I drive an hour to work, I drive an hour home. And he had

654
00:30:06.180 --> 00:30:08.880
called me like this wasn't a planned call. And I just let it

655
00:30:08.880 --> 00:30:11.600
go to voicemail because I didn't want to talk. I texted him. I

656
00:30:11.600 --> 00:30:14.520
said, Hey, I'm home. I'm tired. I'll talk to you tomorrow. That

657
00:30:14.520 --> 00:30:17.440
was the end of it. And then like he brought it up the next day.

658
00:30:18.320 --> 00:30:21.840
Kind of in like, I don't know, it's just felt like in a

659
00:30:21.840 --> 00:30:26.000
controlling way. But I don't know if that's my past traumas

660
00:30:26.000 --> 00:30:29.960
that I've had or my past insecurities. But I don't know,

661
00:30:29.960 --> 00:30:33.320
I just, I know it's a yes until it's a no, but I feel like it's

662
00:30:33.320 --> 00:30:33.880
a no.

663
00:30:35.080 --> 00:30:37.840
Well, do wait. So did you have the date or not? I'm confused.

664
00:30:37.880 --> 00:30:40.160
We did. We went on a coffee date. And then we went on a

665
00:30:40.160 --> 00:30:41.440
second date, like a day or two.

666
00:30:41.480 --> 00:30:45.480
Tell us tell us about the second date. What went right? And what

667
00:30:45.480 --> 00:30:46.040
made you go?

668
00:30:47.200 --> 00:30:51.440
Um, I did bring up, I didn't bring up like religion per se,

669
00:30:51.440 --> 00:30:55.440
but just kind of like, you know, your faith or whatever. And he

670
00:30:55.440 --> 00:30:59.840
said, even despite him that he put Christian on his dating app,

671
00:31:00.080 --> 00:31:02.680
he's like, Oh, I'm not really religious. I've had bad

672
00:31:02.680 --> 00:31:05.880
experiences with religion with my ex. I don't go to church. I

673
00:31:05.880 --> 00:31:09.440
don't I'm not like into any of that. And I'm like, Okay, so

674
00:31:09.440 --> 00:31:16.440
that was like, obviously a major red flag. Yeah. So I'm just, I

675
00:31:16.440 --> 00:31:18.040
don't know, I just feel bad about

676
00:31:18.280 --> 00:31:21.880
besides the faith. Was there any other thing that made you go in?

677
00:31:22.160 --> 00:31:25.600
No, just that. And then he just kind of brought up the whole

678
00:31:25.600 --> 00:31:28.520
phone call thing twice. And I asked him, I said, Did that

679
00:31:28.520 --> 00:31:32.160
bother you that I didn't pick up the phone? And he's, he just

680
00:31:32.160 --> 00:31:35.240
kind of said, No, ha ha ha, I wasn't bothered by it. But he

681
00:31:35.240 --> 00:31:36.800
brought it up twice. So

682
00:31:36.840 --> 00:31:40.240
he was bothered by it. Yeah, when it brought it up twice.

683
00:31:40.440 --> 00:31:42.880
Well, and I don't think that like, I, we're not at that

684
00:31:42.880 --> 00:31:46.040
level to we've met twice. Like, I don't feel that I'm tethered

685
00:31:46.040 --> 00:31:48.480
to my phone and have to pick up every time you call.

686
00:31:48.480 --> 00:31:50.720
Did you enjoy your taught your date with him?

687
00:31:52.080 --> 00:31:54.280
Yeah, but I just don't.

688
00:31:54.440 --> 00:31:59.320
Are you ready for the date to be over? Yeah. Okay, then you don't

689
00:31:59.320 --> 00:32:02.640
need to go out with him again. We always say yes until it's a

690
00:32:02.640 --> 00:32:06.320
no. But like, I kind of feel like when I say it's a yes until

691
00:32:06.320 --> 00:32:09.520
it's a no. And no, you have these things you're not sure

692
00:32:09.520 --> 00:32:12.760
about. Are they yellow flags? Are they going to be green? Are

693
00:32:12.760 --> 00:32:15.440
they going to be or I'm not that attracted to him? But oh my

694
00:32:15.440 --> 00:32:19.120
gosh, he's so funny. He's everything I want. But if he

695
00:32:19.120 --> 00:32:22.760
doesn't have the three M's, masculine, marriage minded and

696
00:32:22.760 --> 00:32:28.080
mature, and he's not enough of a believer for you. Those are all

697
00:32:28.080 --> 00:32:32.880
reasons and you didn't like love the conversation. Yeah, all good

698
00:32:32.880 --> 00:32:36.920
enough reasons to say, I really enjoyed getting to know you.

699
00:32:36.920 --> 00:32:40.880
Thank you so much for sharing your time with me. I don't want

700
00:32:40.880 --> 00:32:44.080
to pursue anything further. And you know, anything that you

701
00:32:44.080 --> 00:32:47.440
know, I really wish you the best. Why? I really just don't

702
00:32:47.440 --> 00:32:50.800
want to pursue anything further. You do not need to in a level

703
00:32:50.800 --> 00:32:53.120
to give them any more explanations. That's for

704
00:32:53.120 --> 00:32:57.560
everybody, you guys. I came from like the codependent, I need to

705
00:32:57.560 --> 00:33:01.600
explain everything. No, we don't need to explain ourselves. The

706
00:33:01.600 --> 00:33:04.120
only time you need to explain yourself when you end is when

707
00:33:04.120 --> 00:33:06.680
you're in a level three exclusive, that person probably

708
00:33:06.680 --> 00:33:11.200
deserves more of an explanation. But at this discovery date, it

709
00:33:11.200 --> 00:33:13.800
is, you know, obviously, you know, we are just getting to

710
00:33:13.800 --> 00:33:16.880
know each other, based on some of the things that you shared.

711
00:33:16.880 --> 00:33:19.080
And some of the things that I know that are important to me, I

712
00:33:19.080 --> 00:33:21.360
just feel like we're probably not a good match. I don't want

713
00:33:21.360 --> 00:33:23.960
to pursue things any further, but I've really enjoyed getting

714
00:33:23.960 --> 00:33:26.640
to know you. Well, could you tell me any more? No, I can't.

715
00:33:28.000 --> 00:33:30.880
Okay, yeah, because I was texting a whole paragraph last

716
00:33:30.880 --> 00:33:33.800
night, and then I didn't send it. And I'm like, No, I'm gonna

717
00:33:33.800 --> 00:33:36.720
like, I don't need to explain every little thing that he did.

718
00:33:36.720 --> 00:33:40.320
Like I've met him twice, you know? Yeah. I mean, you know,

719
00:33:40.480 --> 00:33:43.920
I mean, you guys, I think I say this in the boundaries class.

720
00:33:44.240 --> 00:33:47.520
Um, but I learned this in therapy, it's my new favorite

721
00:33:47.520 --> 00:33:52.440
sentence that I learned, adults make statements, children

722
00:33:52.480 --> 00:33:56.040
explain, like, so whenever I feel like I have to start

723
00:33:56.040 --> 00:33:59.560
explaining myself, I'm going back to some childhood wound

724
00:33:59.560 --> 00:34:03.160
that told me I needed to justify things to stand up for myself.

725
00:34:03.200 --> 00:34:07.360
No, adults just make statements. So you don't want to see me

726
00:34:07.360 --> 00:34:09.880
anymore? No, but thank you. I'm really proud of you, though.

727
00:34:09.880 --> 00:34:12.480
Good job. I'm glad that you at least gave him another chance.

728
00:34:12.520 --> 00:34:18.520
So that was very good. Okay. Great job. Okay. Um, Charlotte,

729
00:34:18.520 --> 00:34:19.280
you are up.

730
00:34:20.800 --> 00:34:26.960
Hi. Um, so I finally took the plunge this weekend and signed

731
00:34:26.960 --> 00:34:34.120
up for online dating again. Okay. And I have a bunch of

732
00:34:34.120 --> 00:34:39.320
questions. Um, so first, it's it's going well, I've been

733
00:34:39.320 --> 00:34:43.760
pleasantly surprised that every one of the guys after a very

734
00:34:43.760 --> 00:34:46.960
short amount of time has said, Can we talk on the phone, which

735
00:34:46.960 --> 00:34:50.719
I'm not used to, usually, it's just like, endless messaging and

736
00:34:50.719 --> 00:34:55.000
texting and everything. So that's great. So I did you know

737
00:34:55.000 --> 00:34:59.920
what we talked about, which is suggest a video date, and

738
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:07.440
to them have been open to that. So one thing was my first question is, some of them were like,

739
00:35:07.440 --> 00:35:15.760
oh, I want to do a phone call instead. And is it okay if I just like, insist, you know, on video,

740
00:35:15.760 --> 00:35:21.840
or, I mean, this on the video, if that's what you want, there are plenty of women in this community

741
00:35:22.480 --> 00:35:27.600
that love starting with a phone call. That's their comfort zone. So they're fine getting a Google

742
00:35:27.600 --> 00:35:33.920
voice and starting with the phone call. For me, I want to make sure he is who he says he is. I want

743
00:35:33.920 --> 00:35:38.960
to make sure those photos aren't 10 years old. I want to make sure he's not a scammer. I want to

744
00:35:38.960 --> 00:35:50.560
make sure, and I'm a visual learner. I'm really good, like 80% of communication is body language,

745
00:35:50.560 --> 00:35:55.760
tone, and inflection. And I feel like you can catch all that better in a video. So for me,

746
00:35:56.720 --> 00:36:02.560
I like the video better. So I always say, hey, I won't always need to talk by video,

747
00:36:03.760 --> 00:36:10.160
but the first conversation, I just kind of feel like it helps break the ice. I also am a visual

748
00:36:10.160 --> 00:36:15.840
learner and I do better when I'm talking to somebody I'm just meeting when I can see them

749
00:36:15.840 --> 00:36:21.680
face to face. That's what I say. And I just say like, and if they're like, you're being ridiculous,

750
00:36:21.680 --> 00:36:26.720
I know, I'm sorry. Just give me this first video. And then I promise we can switch over back to

751
00:36:26.720 --> 00:36:32.960
phone. And I've had men ditch me. I've had men go, eh. I've had men swear at me, tell me I'm

752
00:36:32.960 --> 00:36:36.000
being ridiculous. I'm treating it like an interview. And I'm just like, I'm so sorry

753
00:36:36.000 --> 00:36:40.800
that you feel that way. I wish you the very best. Because now at that point, now I'm digging in my

754
00:36:40.800 --> 00:36:46.320
heels. I might have not cared, but now that he's not honoring my request, I just feel like men need

755
00:36:46.320 --> 00:36:53.120
to be gentlemen. It's upon them to help us feel safe and secure. And so that's for me. So,

756
00:36:53.120 --> 00:36:57.840
Charlie, if you don't mind talking on the phone first, then have at it, go get a Google voice

757
00:36:57.840 --> 00:37:03.280
number so he doesn't know your personal number and do it phone. For me, I feel like I learn a lot

758
00:37:03.280 --> 00:37:09.200
more by going to the video. Because I will say this, you guys, it's a yes until it's a no. I've

759
00:37:09.200 --> 00:37:14.560
been able to say it's a no after one video date. I don't know that I would be able to do that after

760
00:37:14.560 --> 00:37:19.040
a phone call, but I can do that after a video date. And it's not just because I'm not attracted

761
00:37:19.040 --> 00:37:23.920
to him. It's like, how does he show up to the video date? Does he look nice? Is his house all

762
00:37:23.920 --> 00:37:32.240
frumpy? I'm looking at all the things, all the things. So hopefully that helps. But again,

763
00:37:32.240 --> 00:37:37.760
you're not going to be like, well, it's not safe. You're not going to give him that reason. You're

764
00:37:37.760 --> 00:37:42.880
going to try to come up with the most authentic answer that just kind of stands your ground.

765
00:37:43.600 --> 00:37:49.680
Okay, great. Two other quick questions. The first one is when you're just in a

766
00:37:50.560 --> 00:37:56.960
perpetual, hi, how are you? How was your day? Like, just what's a good, like, first question

767
00:37:56.960 --> 00:38:00.880
that I can ask? Because I just keep running into that. And I'm just like, I don't know what to ask.

768
00:38:00.880 --> 00:38:08.880
Texting or on the video? Texting. Texting. Texting. Okay, so I always just like to say,

769
00:38:08.880 --> 00:38:13.520
you know, past like, hi, hi, good morning. Good morning. How are you? How are you? Like,

770
00:38:14.480 --> 00:38:21.200
I just go, I just go right in. I'm just like, hey, tell me about yourself. I'd love to hear,

771
00:38:21.200 --> 00:38:24.960
you know, tell me about some of your interests, some of the things that you like to do,

772
00:38:25.520 --> 00:38:29.040
and maybe share a bucket list item, like something that you like to do.

773
00:38:30.400 --> 00:38:34.640
And if I, if I could tell, if I could tell they don't know what to do, and they're like,

774
00:38:34.640 --> 00:38:40.160
oh, I don't know what to say. I'll say, let me go first. And remember, I just like vomited to

775
00:38:40.160 --> 00:38:44.800
you before. And I want you guys to have your answers kind of ready. What is it that you,

776
00:38:44.800 --> 00:38:49.200
I mean, I will say this. I know sometimes people are like, Jackie's like, well, you don't need to

777
00:38:49.200 --> 00:38:53.280
tell them that you're a mother. I think you can say I'm a single mom, I have children living at

778
00:38:53.280 --> 00:38:58.560
home, or I have a child living at home. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that up

779
00:38:58.560 --> 00:39:03.120
front. Nobody said it's a male or female. How old? You know, I can tell you all that later.

780
00:39:03.120 --> 00:39:08.480
I just wanted you to know I was a mom, you know, kind of thing. You may not need to tell them that.

781
00:39:08.480 --> 00:39:14.240
But like, think about, I always say, in those first few text messages, what am I willing to

782
00:39:14.240 --> 00:39:20.240
say about me that I don't care if the entire world finds out? So for me, it was always like,

783
00:39:20.240 --> 00:39:25.200
let me tell you a little bit about myself. I come from a big Italian family up north in Connecticut.

784
00:39:25.200 --> 00:39:32.320
I've also lived in the West Coast. You know, I've been here for 20 years. You know, I love to cook,

785
00:39:32.320 --> 00:39:38.560
I'm outgoing, I'll try anything once. I love theater, but I also love college sports. I've

786
00:39:38.560 --> 00:39:43.520
worked in healthcare. That's what I say. I worked in healthcare. Now you guys, at one point, I was

787
00:39:43.520 --> 00:39:48.640
the CEO of a nonprofit. They don't even know any of that. I worked in healthcare. Keep it very broad.

788
00:39:48.640 --> 00:39:55.200
Don't tell them my job title, kind of thing. You know, I'm, you know, I'm a, I'm a middle child.

789
00:39:55.200 --> 00:39:59.840
Um, you know, you know, my favorite, you know,

790
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:03.160
Oh, sport, you know, I used to be a cheerleader.

791
00:40:03.160 --> 00:40:05.640
My favorite class in high school was math.

792
00:40:05.640 --> 00:40:06.480
I mean, I don't know.

793
00:40:06.480 --> 00:40:07.760
I just try to think of all the,

794
00:40:07.760 --> 00:40:10.600
I love to, you know, random facts about me.

795
00:40:10.600 --> 00:40:12.320
I can still use a hula hoop

796
00:40:12.320 --> 00:40:14.200
and I was in Sports Illustrated.

797
00:40:14.200 --> 00:40:17.680
I mean, like, so like I try to have fun

798
00:40:17.680 --> 00:40:20.980
and serious things about me ready to go.

799
00:40:20.980 --> 00:40:23.440
So tell me a little bit about you.

800
00:40:23.440 --> 00:40:24.760
What do you like to do?

801
00:40:24.760 --> 00:40:26.260
What do you do for fun?

802
00:40:26.780 --> 00:40:31.780
You know, on a rainy day, you know, you're at the beach,

803
00:40:31.900 --> 00:40:33.820
you know, like, but you know, like if you're at the,

804
00:40:33.820 --> 00:40:35.900
if you're on a beach vacation and it's raining,

805
00:40:35.900 --> 00:40:38.420
what's your alternative plan on a beach day?

806
00:40:38.420 --> 00:40:41.220
Like, you know, just try to think of like

807
00:40:41.220 --> 00:40:43.700
some super creative ways to find out

808
00:40:43.700 --> 00:40:46.140
just some basic stuff about them.

809
00:40:46.140 --> 00:40:48.300
And again, back to that faith thing,

810
00:40:48.300 --> 00:40:52.260
I always ask that question of what things do you do

811
00:40:52.260 --> 00:40:55.180
that are taking up the majority of your time these days?

812
00:40:55.180 --> 00:40:57.340
Cause you know how you say, like, what do you do for fun?

813
00:40:57.340 --> 00:40:58.160
I don't know about y'all,

814
00:40:58.160 --> 00:41:00.180
but sometimes I don't have enough fun.

815
00:41:00.180 --> 00:41:03.580
Like sometimes I'm just busting my ass, getting stuff done.

816
00:41:03.580 --> 00:41:05.500
And I think it's a hard question to answer

817
00:41:05.500 --> 00:41:06.900
cause we all want to make up crap.

818
00:41:06.900 --> 00:41:11.180
Like, oh, I love traveling and I love writing

819
00:41:11.180 --> 00:41:14.300
and making sculptures and like photography.

820
00:41:14.300 --> 00:41:16.080
Like we come up with all these things

821
00:41:16.080 --> 00:41:19.140
we wish we were doing if we actually had the time.

822
00:41:19.140 --> 00:41:21.660
Honestly, on my free time, I'm exhausted.

823
00:41:21.660 --> 00:41:24.540
So I'm Netflixing 10 seasons of Heartland.

824
00:41:24.540 --> 00:41:25.780
That's what I'm really doing.

825
00:41:25.780 --> 00:41:27.260
Like, you know what I'm saying?

826
00:41:27.260 --> 00:41:30.980
So I try to ask those questions in a way

827
00:41:30.980 --> 00:41:32.820
that just make it more honest.

828
00:41:32.820 --> 00:41:34.860
All right, what was your last question?

829
00:41:34.860 --> 00:41:36.060
That's helpful, thanks.

830
00:41:37.420 --> 00:41:40.660
Okay, just a practical, well, sort of practical question.

831
00:41:40.660 --> 00:41:44.860
So one of the guys that I matched with on Facebook

832
00:41:44.860 --> 00:41:47.260
just kept like making comments in my picture.

833
00:41:47.260 --> 00:41:52.060
And then he said he was going home to look at my pictures.

834
00:41:52.060 --> 00:41:56.060
And then he said he was fantasizing about me with my pic.

835
00:41:56.060 --> 00:41:58.020
I was like, I think that's a red flag.

836
00:41:58.020 --> 00:42:01.540
And so I just said, that's making me feel uncomfortable.

837
00:42:01.540 --> 00:42:02.700
You know, we haven't really talked.

838
00:42:02.700 --> 00:42:05.220
He didn't ask me any other questions or anything.

839
00:42:05.220 --> 00:42:08.420
I was like, so I think I did the right thing, yeah?

840
00:42:08.420 --> 00:42:09.260
Yeah.

841
00:42:09.260 --> 00:42:10.140
Okay.

842
00:42:10.140 --> 00:42:11.500
Yeah, yeah.

843
00:42:11.500 --> 00:42:14.520
If it sounds creepy, probably it's creepy.

844
00:42:16.140 --> 00:42:18.380
Yeah, all right, great.

845
00:42:18.380 --> 00:42:20.180
One more thing, sorry, real quick.

846
00:42:20.180 --> 00:42:24.740
On Facebook dating, if the match disappears,

847
00:42:24.740 --> 00:42:26.540
does that mean they unmatched you?

848
00:42:26.540 --> 00:42:29.020
And do you unmatch someone just by hitting that

849
00:42:29.020 --> 00:42:30.360
delete the conversation?

850
00:42:30.360 --> 00:42:31.200
Is that how you do that?

851
00:42:31.200 --> 00:42:32.740
Deleting conversation does get rid of them.

852
00:42:32.740 --> 00:42:35.220
So one of two reasons gets them gone.

853
00:42:35.220 --> 00:42:37.620
One, he's deleted the conversation with you

854
00:42:37.620 --> 00:42:40.660
or B, Facebook found out it was a scam.

855
00:42:40.660 --> 00:42:42.280
Okay.

856
00:42:42.280 --> 00:42:43.780
So sometimes that happens too.

857
00:42:43.780 --> 00:42:47.340
If I wanna end something with someone, I just hit delete.

858
00:42:47.340 --> 00:42:49.020
Delete the conversation.

859
00:42:49.100 --> 00:42:50.580
Great, thank you.

860
00:42:50.580 --> 00:42:52.900
Okay, Kelly, you are up.

861
00:42:53.900 --> 00:42:57.920
Hi, I was the one with the anxious attachment question.

862
00:42:59.260 --> 00:43:00.660
That's me.

863
00:43:00.660 --> 00:43:02.100
Okay, what do you wanna know?

864
00:43:03.740 --> 00:43:06.580
Just like, how do you even like start working through it?

865
00:43:06.580 --> 00:43:10.560
So it was, I think it was Alison when she shared like,

866
00:43:10.560 --> 00:43:13.140
oh, you know, I didn't go into like

867
00:43:13.140 --> 00:43:15.300
any of my anxious attachment, you know, things

868
00:43:15.300 --> 00:43:17.540
like being obsessed about whether he'll like me or not.

869
00:43:17.540 --> 00:43:21.380
And I was like, oh, that's where I get like stuck sometimes.

870
00:43:21.380 --> 00:43:22.940
And I'm new to phase two.

871
00:43:22.940 --> 00:43:24.300
So I'm still like learning.

872
00:43:24.300 --> 00:43:27.460
So have you watched the anxious attachment videos yet?

873
00:43:27.460 --> 00:43:29.080
That I was asking in that question,

874
00:43:29.080 --> 00:43:31.500
like where they were, cause I couldn't find them.

875
00:43:31.500 --> 00:43:34.780
Okay, so they should be in your portal.

876
00:43:34.780 --> 00:43:36.140
Yes, I found them now.

877
00:43:36.140 --> 00:43:36.980
Yeah.

878
00:43:36.980 --> 00:43:37.800
You have since found them.

879
00:43:37.800 --> 00:43:40.740
Okay, so definitely watch them.

880
00:43:40.740 --> 00:43:43.860
And in there, you guys, I'm gonna share my,

881
00:43:43.860 --> 00:43:46.340
like, I'm gonna share my screen.

882
00:43:46.340 --> 00:43:48.620
Don't make fun of me for all of the stuff

883
00:43:48.620 --> 00:43:50.240
that's on my desktop.

884
00:43:50.240 --> 00:43:51.560
I know it's bad.

885
00:43:52.980 --> 00:43:57.980
But I wanna show you the attachment style.

886
00:43:58.780 --> 00:44:02.000
I just, I gotta move this.

887
00:44:02.000 --> 00:44:05.880
I wanna show you the attachment style cheat sheet.

888
00:44:05.880 --> 00:44:10.880
So there are cheat sheets in the attachment style videos.

889
00:44:11.300 --> 00:44:13.780
So you were asking,

890
00:44:13.780 --> 00:44:16.060
cracking someone else's attachment style.

891
00:44:16.820 --> 00:44:17.660
So this is a really good one.

892
00:44:17.660 --> 00:44:20.300
Anxious attachment, plays games to keep your,

893
00:44:20.300 --> 00:44:23.460
and now obviously this is the extreme of all of them.

894
00:44:23.460 --> 00:44:24.700
To keep your attention interest,

895
00:44:24.700 --> 00:44:27.180
has difficulty explaining what's bothering them

896
00:44:27.180 --> 00:44:29.060
and expects you to already know.

897
00:44:29.060 --> 00:44:30.340
Y'all, how many of us go,

898
00:44:30.340 --> 00:44:32.060
well, you should just know what I'm thinking.

899
00:44:32.060 --> 00:44:33.900
Like, no, ask for what you need.

900
00:44:33.900 --> 00:44:35.940
People can't read your mind.

901
00:44:35.940 --> 00:44:37.820
Acts out when they're feeling insecure

902
00:44:37.820 --> 00:44:39.640
about your attention or affection.

903
00:44:39.640 --> 00:44:44.220
So if you're operating in your anxious attachment,

904
00:44:44.220 --> 00:44:46.980
you will start to act a little bit like a toddler.

905
00:44:46.980 --> 00:44:48.340
You really will.

906
00:44:48.340 --> 00:44:50.980
Makes everything in the relationship about them.

907
00:44:50.980 --> 00:44:53.500
It's not that you're selfish.

908
00:44:53.500 --> 00:44:57.300
It's just that you start to think everything is about you.

909
00:44:57.300 --> 00:44:58.760
Oh, he didn't call me tonight.

910
00:44:58.760 --> 00:44:59.860
That's about me.

911
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.100
Oh my gosh, he sounded really, you know, sure.

912
00:45:04.100 --> 00:45:06.100
Oh, it's about me.

913
00:45:06.100 --> 00:45:08.400
It could have just been that he's tired.

914
00:45:08.400 --> 00:45:13.700
You're constantly preoccupied with where the relationship is going.

915
00:45:13.700 --> 00:45:17.400
Focuses on the small acts and then suspicion of being unfaithful.

916
00:45:17.400 --> 00:45:20.100
So, I wanted you guys to just see this,

917
00:45:20.100 --> 00:45:24.100
just so you can see that there is that spreadsheet that goes with it.

918
00:45:24.100 --> 00:45:25.400
So, watch it.

919
00:45:25.400 --> 00:45:27.000
It's a three-part series.

920
00:45:27.000 --> 00:45:29.400
So, there's no way I can get to it.

921
00:45:29.400 --> 00:45:34.700
But, that's how you, so when you're feeling you're anxious,

922
00:45:34.700 --> 00:45:38.100
how you help not be anxious, because that's me.

923
00:45:38.100 --> 00:45:40.300
I used to be anxious attachment.

924
00:45:40.300 --> 00:45:44.100
You have to add the pause.

925
00:45:44.100 --> 00:45:49.300
You cannot say what you're thinking in the moment you're thinking it,

926
00:45:49.300 --> 00:45:53.700
because your anxious voice will get you in trouble every time.

927
00:45:53.700 --> 00:45:57.400
If you feel like your throat is constricting

928
00:45:57.400 --> 00:45:59.900
and the hair is on the back of your neck,

929
00:45:59.900 --> 00:46:02.100
you need to do breathing exercises.

930
00:46:02.100 --> 00:46:03.100
You need to go pray.

931
00:46:03.100 --> 00:46:05.100
You need to go take a run, take a walk,

932
00:46:05.100 --> 00:46:08.000
whatever you need to do to de-escalate.

933
00:46:08.000 --> 00:46:13.200
What you can't do in a relationship is go to the other person

934
00:46:13.200 --> 00:46:18.500
when you're in that heightened anxious cray-cray.

935
00:46:18.500 --> 00:46:19.300
Do you know what I'm saying?

936
00:46:19.300 --> 00:46:20.900
So, like when you're anxious, you know,

937
00:46:20.900 --> 00:46:24.100
because you can feel it, like your heart's racing.

938
00:46:24.100 --> 00:46:26.700
You're like all tingling, constricted.

939
00:46:26.700 --> 00:46:28.300
You're like sweats.

940
00:46:28.300 --> 00:46:30.700
Like you have to be able to get,

941
00:46:30.700 --> 00:46:35.400
you have to deregulate yourself out of that physical state.

942
00:46:35.400 --> 00:46:37.600
You've got to calm yourself down.

943
00:46:37.600 --> 00:46:39.600
Like I do box breathing.

944
00:46:39.600 --> 00:46:42.300
Box breathing is just one of the things that I do,

945
00:46:42.300 --> 00:46:44.900
but box breathing is you inhale four beats.

946
00:46:44.900 --> 00:46:46.400
You actually draw a box.

947
00:46:46.400 --> 00:46:48.700
Inhale, hold your breath.

948
00:46:48.700 --> 00:46:50.500
Exhale, hold your breath.

949
00:46:50.500 --> 00:46:52.900
And you lap around like five times,

950
00:46:52.900 --> 00:46:56.000
and that will actually bring down your breathing.

951
00:46:56.000 --> 00:46:58.200
And usually you need to write it out.

952
00:46:58.200 --> 00:47:00.500
Like what is it that I'm really afraid of?

953
00:47:00.500 --> 00:47:01.400
What's truth?

954
00:47:01.400 --> 00:47:04.000
What do I know to be true?

955
00:47:04.000 --> 00:47:08.000
Instead of when you have to ask questions in a relationship,

956
00:47:08.000 --> 00:47:10.200
you want to ask curious questions.

957
00:47:10.200 --> 00:47:11.900
You guys, this is good for everybody.

958
00:47:11.900 --> 00:47:13.300
Ask curious questions.

959
00:47:13.300 --> 00:47:14.600
Don't ask why.

960
00:47:14.600 --> 00:47:17.300
We already say that why puts people on defensive.

961
00:47:17.300 --> 00:47:19.800
Wow, you mentioned that.

962
00:47:19.800 --> 00:47:21.700
I'm really curious.

963
00:47:21.700 --> 00:47:23.500
Tell me more.

964
00:47:23.500 --> 00:47:24.500
I'm curious.

965
00:47:24.500 --> 00:47:25.600
Tell me more.

966
00:47:25.600 --> 00:47:27.100
Like, or with the fireman.

967
00:47:27.100 --> 00:47:28.700
I'm curious.

968
00:47:28.700 --> 00:47:31.400
You brought this up twice.

969
00:47:31.400 --> 00:47:36.700
So you said that you, tell me more about that

970
00:47:36.700 --> 00:47:38.800
because you said that you weren't bothered by it,

971
00:47:38.800 --> 00:47:40.800
but you've brought it up twice.

972
00:47:40.800 --> 00:47:43.200
So what else is behind you bringing it up?

973
00:47:43.200 --> 00:47:44.100
I'm really curious.

974
00:47:44.100 --> 00:47:45.200
Tell me more.

975
00:47:45.200 --> 00:47:47.900
So that's how an anxious attachment

976
00:47:47.900 --> 00:47:49.700
could get some of those answers

977
00:47:49.700 --> 00:47:52.600
without going, you know?

978
00:47:52.600 --> 00:47:55.200
Does it feel like I kind of,

979
00:47:55.200 --> 00:47:57.300
because for me, it's like when I'm away from the person,

980
00:47:57.300 --> 00:48:00.700
like my mind just runs away.

981
00:48:00.700 --> 00:48:02.900
And then because like, I don't,

982
00:48:02.900 --> 00:48:05.200
so I'm Australian and we grew up,

983
00:48:05.200 --> 00:48:07.100
no feelings, no nothing,

984
00:48:07.100 --> 00:48:10.500
like there's feelings, run away.

985
00:48:10.500 --> 00:48:13.200
And so I find then that like,

986
00:48:13.200 --> 00:48:16.400
in order to deal with that level of anxiety

987
00:48:16.400 --> 00:48:18.200
and the like, okay,

988
00:48:18.200 --> 00:48:20.200
I don't want to deal with potential fallout.

989
00:48:20.200 --> 00:48:22.400
I'll then like switch to avoidant

990
00:48:22.400 --> 00:48:26.300
because I'll just like shut down going on.

991
00:48:26.300 --> 00:48:26.700
Yeah.

992
00:48:26.700 --> 00:48:29.200
Yeah, I got the great combo.

993
00:48:29.200 --> 00:48:30.200
Yeah, me too.

994
00:48:30.200 --> 00:48:31.100
I get it girl.

995
00:48:31.100 --> 00:48:31.400
All right.

996
00:48:31.400 --> 00:48:35.500
So just make sure you drink a lot of chamomile tea.

997
00:48:35.500 --> 00:48:37.200
But I will say this,

998
00:48:37.200 --> 00:48:40.300
learn the art of asking curious questions

999
00:48:40.300 --> 00:48:42.200
because that will probably start to get at

1000
00:48:42.200 --> 00:48:44.100
some of the answers that you need

1001
00:48:44.100 --> 00:48:47.300
without the other person feeling like you're crazy.

1002
00:48:47.300 --> 00:48:47.700
Yeah.

1003
00:48:47.700 --> 00:48:48.600
Okay, that's awesome.

1004
00:48:48.600 --> 00:48:49.600
And then go watch the videos

1005
00:48:49.600 --> 00:48:51.100
and that'll help you some more.

1006
00:48:51.200 --> 00:48:52.300
And then if you have more questions,

1007
00:48:52.300 --> 00:48:52.900
you can come back.

1008
00:48:52.900 --> 00:48:54.300
Dawn, you are up.

1009
00:49:02.300 --> 00:49:03.400
I can't hear you Dawn.

1010
00:49:03.400 --> 00:49:03.800
Are you?

1011
00:49:03.800 --> 00:49:04.300
What?

1012
00:49:05.700 --> 00:49:06.900
Can you hear me now?

1013
00:49:06.900 --> 00:49:07.500
I can now.

1014
00:49:07.500 --> 00:49:08.000
Yep.

1015
00:49:09.300 --> 00:49:09.900
Yeah, I'm sorry.

1016
00:49:09.900 --> 00:49:11.100
I mean, I'm yeah,

1017
00:49:11.100 --> 00:49:13.300
this microphone should be working.

1018
00:49:13.300 --> 00:49:13.900
I had two,

1019
00:49:13.900 --> 00:49:16.100
one or two questions about the dating apps,

1020
00:49:16.100 --> 00:49:17.200
working on the dating apps

1021
00:49:17.200 --> 00:49:19.300
and also of my dating update.

1022
00:49:19.400 --> 00:49:20.900
So I had one,

1023
00:49:20.900 --> 00:49:22.300
I had one video called

1024
00:49:22.300 --> 00:49:24.100
that was supposed to be scheduled.

1025
00:49:24.100 --> 00:49:26.000
So I showed up for it

1026
00:49:26.000 --> 00:49:27.200
and the guy did not.

1027
00:49:27.200 --> 00:49:29.100
So he did not show up.

1028
00:49:29.100 --> 00:49:31.100
So he totally canceled out,

1029
00:49:31.100 --> 00:49:31.900
did not tell me anything.

1030
00:49:31.900 --> 00:49:34.200
Was this a live date or a video date?

1031
00:49:34.200 --> 00:49:35.400
No, it was a video date.

1032
00:49:35.400 --> 00:49:37.300
It was the first video date.

1033
00:49:37.300 --> 00:49:38.000
Okay.

1034
00:49:38.000 --> 00:49:39.800
So what I did is so I said,

1035
00:49:39.800 --> 00:49:41.100
I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

1036
00:49:41.100 --> 00:49:42.700
Maybe he was running late.

1037
00:49:42.700 --> 00:49:44.400
So I texted him

1038
00:49:45.400 --> 00:49:47.200
and he just totally ghosted and left me.

1039
00:49:47.200 --> 00:49:50.200
So when I commented about it on phase two,

1040
00:49:50.200 --> 00:49:52.200
Jackie commented on it

1041
00:49:52.200 --> 00:49:55.300
and she said that he possibly was a scammer.

1042
00:49:55.300 --> 00:49:58.100
So I've been using different messaging apps.

1043
00:49:58.100 --> 00:50:00.000
So I use Telegram and I use.

1044
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:03.360
WhatsApp. And I wanted to ask about that because Jackie had

1045
00:50:03.360 --> 00:50:07.040
mentioned that scammers use those apps, Telegram and

1046
00:50:07.040 --> 00:50:10.680
WhatsApp. But I use those apps for everything. So all my

1047
00:50:10.680 --> 00:50:14.680
groups, all my communities, when I can do video calls, that's

1048
00:50:14.680 --> 00:50:17.720
what I'm on. So when I did a video call, I said, Oh, well,

1049
00:50:17.720 --> 00:50:21.040
let's go on WhatsApp, or let's go on Telegram, because I'm

1050
00:50:21.040 --> 00:50:23.840
already on there. And it's not my real number. So I'm not even

1051
00:50:23.840 --> 00:50:27.480
using my my real cell phone number. So when I called the

1052
00:50:27.480 --> 00:50:31.240
guy, the phone did ring, and there was a voice message, which

1053
00:50:31.240 --> 00:50:35.400
was his voice, but it did not answer. He didn't answer. So

1054
00:50:35.440 --> 00:50:40.120
four days later, he texted me back and just said, Sorry, and

1055
00:50:40.120 --> 00:50:44.200
said, I'm sorry. And was just like, Hi, and I blessed and

1056
00:50:44.200 --> 00:50:47.440
blocked him. I said, No, I'm not going to play those games. You're

1057
00:50:47.440 --> 00:50:51.880
gone. You know, so then the second guy did not want to do a

1058
00:50:51.880 --> 00:50:56.040
video call at all. And so he wanted the telephone call. And I

1059
00:50:56.040 --> 00:50:58.840
was like, he said, No, I want to see what you know, what you

1060
00:50:58.840 --> 00:51:01.880
look like, I wanted to do the video. So I said, Well, let's

1061
00:51:01.880 --> 00:51:06.080
just go on Telegram or WhatsApp, but we can just talk. And so he

1062
00:51:06.080 --> 00:51:10.120
also like fizzled out. So I was pretty disappointed and

1063
00:51:10.120 --> 00:51:13.680
frustrated with this. Because now it's like, I'm back on the

1064
00:51:13.680 --> 00:51:16.880
texting again. So I have three or four other guys on these

1065
00:51:16.880 --> 00:51:20.720
tabs, you know that I'm texting back and forth. And I'm just

1066
00:51:20.720 --> 00:51:23.800
kind of like, you know, we text and then we text and then three

1067
00:51:23.800 --> 00:51:27.480
days go by. And then they say, Hi, how are you doing? How's

1068
00:51:27.480 --> 00:51:31.200
your weekend? What's going on? And I'm like the same way. I

1069
00:51:31.200 --> 00:51:34.720
love to text. So I'm the same. Oh, I'm doing fine. I'm doing

1070
00:51:34.720 --> 00:51:38.400
great. How was your weekend? And I just can't seem to get to like,

1071
00:51:38.800 --> 00:51:40.040
step two with this.

1072
00:51:40.240 --> 00:51:44.240
All right. I'm gonna I'm gonna stop you. I'm gonna help you

1073
00:51:44.240 --> 00:51:48.960
out. Because I want to I want to actually I need it. Okay, I'm

1074
00:51:48.960 --> 00:51:53.400
just taking off speaker view for just a sec. Um, alright, so

1075
00:51:53.400 --> 00:51:58.800
first, in general, people who want to get off the app

1076
00:51:58.880 --> 00:52:04.680
immediately, use something like Telegram or WhatsApp, because

1077
00:52:04.680 --> 00:52:07.640
they're scammers, and they want to get you off the app, they

1078
00:52:07.640 --> 00:52:09.560
want to switch to an email, switch to a phone number,

1079
00:52:09.560 --> 00:52:13.080
switch to a WhatsApp. That doesn't mean everybody who uses

1080
00:52:13.080 --> 00:52:17.120
WhatsApp is a scammer. You guys, when I'm in when I'm on mission

1081
00:52:17.120 --> 00:52:21.200
trips, we use WhatsApp because not everybody has an iPhone. So

1082
00:52:21.520 --> 00:52:26.160
it WhatsApp is a great place to combine a contact list of

1083
00:52:26.160 --> 00:52:31.640
people who are on Android and iPhone users. And you can video

1084
00:52:31.640 --> 00:52:35.360
chat there. And you can talk on the phone there. So my

1085
00:52:35.360 --> 00:52:39.920
boyfriend has an Android. And so our first video date was on

1086
00:52:40.120 --> 00:52:42.400
Well, no, I actually gave him a zoom account. But then it was on

1087
00:52:42.400 --> 00:52:46.720
WhatsApp. Because that's his number. So I don't want you guys

1088
00:52:46.720 --> 00:52:50.720
to think that WhatsApp in it of itself is a scam artist. What

1089
00:52:50.720 --> 00:52:54.520
makes it a scam is if the very first or second conversation

1090
00:52:54.520 --> 00:52:57.480
they're immediately trying to move to that. So that's, so

1091
00:52:57.800 --> 00:53:00.880
that's what I want to say about sites. Now, Don, do not be

1092
00:53:00.880 --> 00:53:07.080
discouraged. I am sure every single week, I found scammers

1093
00:53:07.120 --> 00:53:10.040
every week. And just because they don't want to get on video,

1094
00:53:10.040 --> 00:53:13.280
you guys doesn't mean they're a scammer. It literally could

1095
00:53:13.280 --> 00:53:16.640
mean they are now 50 pounds heavier than the photos they

1096
00:53:16.640 --> 00:53:20.920
showed you, or 10 years older than the photos they showed you.

1097
00:53:21.080 --> 00:53:26.280
So not all people want to get on camera because they don't want

1098
00:53:26.280 --> 00:53:29.200
to get a camera because they're a scammer. Some people truly are

1099
00:53:29.200 --> 00:53:32.520
realizing up the jig is going to be up. And I don't know why they

1100
00:53:32.520 --> 00:53:36.280
think a first they're going to try to woo you on the phone,

1101
00:53:36.480 --> 00:53:39.240
because they're hoping by the time you get to a live date,

1102
00:53:39.400 --> 00:53:41.960
that you're going to be okay that they look 50 pounds

1103
00:53:41.960 --> 00:53:45.600
overweight, or that they don't look like that photo anymore.

1104
00:53:45.760 --> 00:53:49.040
For some reason, you trying to go to the video feels like

1105
00:53:49.040 --> 00:53:53.400
they've been called out sooner. So don't assume that. So and so

1106
00:53:53.400 --> 00:53:58.120
Don, how you get away from texting is you stop texting. If

1107
00:53:58.120 --> 00:54:02.360
you keep BSing your way in a text conversation, then they

1108
00:54:02.360 --> 00:54:05.840
will keep texting you. So here's what I say this is for everybody

1109
00:54:05.840 --> 00:54:09.640
you guys, you know, I really enjoy texting you as I mentioned

1110
00:54:09.640 --> 00:54:13.240
in my profile, I am looking to date in real life. So I

1111
00:54:13.240 --> 00:54:17.840
actually don't talk to anybody longer than a week texting. The

1112
00:54:17.840 --> 00:54:21.320
next thing I do is move to a video date. So that's what I'm

1113
00:54:21.320 --> 00:54:25.360
ready to do. If you don't want to do that, no harm, no foul. I

1114
00:54:25.360 --> 00:54:29.280
wish you the very best. I'm just not in this for texting. I hate

1115
00:54:29.280 --> 00:54:35.600
texting. Even if you love texting, Don, because you just

1116
00:54:35.600 --> 00:54:39.960
have to stop texting. If you want to go date, you have to

1117
00:54:39.960 --> 00:54:44.760
stop texting. And so and you're either going to lose them, or

1118
00:54:44.760 --> 00:54:48.000
he's going to book the video date. And if you lose them, let

1119
00:54:48.000 --> 00:54:51.520
it go. You're otherwise you're just wasting your typing fingers

1120
00:54:51.560 --> 00:54:56.360
on it. So that's my advice to you. Keep going. Do not give up.

1121
00:54:56.400 --> 00:54:59.640
No question. Everybody have another question. So a lot of

1122
00:54:59.640 --> 00:54:59.840
these

1123
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:05.600
some dating apps. I also find out like if they're the free dating apps, you don't like for me,

1124
00:55:05.600 --> 00:55:10.400
if you really, for me, I'm not getting a lot of action on my free dating apps. I had to pay,

1125
00:55:10.400 --> 00:55:14.560
you know, to be able to get the guys that I see, they can like me, that are like me,

1126
00:55:14.560 --> 00:55:18.880
that are texting, they can message me. So now it's like, when I moved to other dating apps,

1127
00:55:18.880 --> 00:55:23.760
they like Christian Mingle is an excellent site, which I did really successful for a while back,

1128
00:55:23.760 --> 00:55:27.760
but you have to pay for it. If you go on Christian Cafe, you have to pay for it.

1129
00:55:28.640 --> 00:55:32.560
Facebook is free. Don, what's your question? Don, what's your question?

1130
00:55:32.560 --> 00:55:38.320
The question is, is the difference between paying for, is it worth to pay for these dating sites?

1131
00:55:38.320 --> 00:55:44.400
Because you can have to pay for the dating sites. I have found, well, I found my person on Facebook,

1132
00:55:44.960 --> 00:55:49.440
a lot of us in this community all made fun of Facebook dating. And so many of us have found

1133
00:55:49.440 --> 00:55:55.360
our person on Facebook dating, which is free. You can actually use Hinge free. I was paying for it

1134
00:55:55.360 --> 00:55:59.760
and somebody was like, you don't need to pay for Hinge. Now the difference with Hinge is when you

1135
00:55:59.760 --> 00:56:06.240
don't pay for it, you can't see the next person. So once somebody gets matched to you, you have to

1136
00:56:06.240 --> 00:56:10.880
decide before you can see the next person. I was fine with that. And I think Bumble does the same

1137
00:56:10.880 --> 00:56:18.960
thing. So I would say always do a combination of one free site, one paying site. I do not have the,

1138
00:56:18.960 --> 00:56:24.160
I never had the budget to pay for three different sites. So I would never pay for more than one at

1139
00:56:24.160 --> 00:56:32.560
a time. The most success we have seen here in our community, Facebook dating, Hinge, Bumble, Upward,

1140
00:56:32.560 --> 00:56:39.920
Match, eHarmony, Salt, Holi. Those are all, you have to pay for those too though, yeah. Right. So that's my,

1141
00:56:39.920 --> 00:56:43.600
I have to keep, I have to keep moving, Dawn. Have to keep moving. All right, Melissa, Dawn, you're up.

1142
00:56:44.800 --> 00:56:50.880
Okay, well, thank you. I caught a bouquet at my niece's wedding. So that was kind of interesting.

1143
00:56:50.880 --> 00:56:55.680
Although y'all, it didn't really work because I caught a different bouquet like 15 or 20 years ago

1144
00:56:55.680 --> 00:57:00.960
at another relative's wedding. So anyway, just let's hope for the best. Yeah, yeah, I love it though.

1145
00:57:00.960 --> 00:57:05.440
We're gonna, we're gonna claim that it means something this time. Okay, thank you for that.

1146
00:57:05.440 --> 00:57:12.320
So I'd like to give an update regarding the guy that I finally met him in person. It has been

1147
00:57:12.320 --> 00:57:17.680
four, like it had been five or six weeks that we had been, or five, that we had been like

1148
00:57:17.680 --> 00:57:25.200
FaceTiming, you know, some texting, but mostly, you know, FaceTiming. And so whenever we met,

1149
00:57:25.200 --> 00:57:31.040
we met at this ice cream place because I was back in Texas for the wedding. And so he drove to me,

1150
00:57:31.040 --> 00:57:36.080
it was actually much cheaper for him in the long run because I was way closer to him at that point.

1151
00:57:36.080 --> 00:57:41.360
And so, but he came to where my family was and that not to their house, but like to the ice cream

1152
00:57:41.360 --> 00:57:46.160
place. And at first I walked in and I was like, where is he? And then he walked to the front door

1153
00:57:46.160 --> 00:57:50.480
and he like gave me this really warm hug. Like it was very electric, that hug. And then I was

1154
00:57:50.480 --> 00:57:55.760
kind of like discombobulated after that because I was like, it was like very electric. And so,

1155
00:57:56.560 --> 00:58:01.280
and I was just like, yeah. And so then I was trying to like gather my composure or whatever.

1156
00:58:01.280 --> 00:58:05.200
And so like, we were both like, kind of like we could both build a chemistry. So we're like trying

1157
00:58:05.200 --> 00:58:11.600
to be normal, but obviously. Yeah. Interesting. And then, so then we go to the ice cream counter

1158
00:58:11.600 --> 00:58:15.840
to like, you know, get ice cream, obviously that's why we're there. And so, but then it

1159
00:58:15.840 --> 00:58:22.000
comes to the time to pay. And so keep in mind, I just went from this high of like very supercharged,

1160
00:58:22.000 --> 00:58:27.760
like this is like electric, like, I mean, just like very, whoa. Okay. And then a lot of times

1161
00:58:27.760 --> 00:58:30.800
in my experience, that's the thing that's been missing. You know what I mean? It's like, I'm

1162
00:58:30.800 --> 00:58:34.240
always like, oh, he's such a good guy. And I'm like trying to convince myself to be attracted

1163
00:58:34.240 --> 00:58:39.120
to him or whatever. And that's usually been my case. And so anyway, so we go to the counter

1164
00:58:39.120 --> 00:58:46.880
and I was like, and he was like, would you like to split the cost? And I said, well, I would

1165
00:58:47.920 --> 00:58:54.320
like I said, if you would like to pay for me, I would appreciate it. You said this? I did. Yes.

1166
00:58:55.200 --> 00:59:02.080
I said, but if you don't want to, then I respect your choice. And so anyway, so basically he said

1167
00:59:02.080 --> 00:59:07.920
he didn't really want to pay because he said, this is just this is just a meeting of friends.

1168
00:59:07.920 --> 00:59:13.920
I'm thinking that hug was not a friend hug. I'm sir, please. And so, so I was just like,

1169
00:59:14.480 --> 00:59:19.760
I, so it went from this like high, high to like suddenly, but part of that I think is partly

1170
00:59:19.760 --> 00:59:24.640
because, you know, he's been smitten with me like the whole time. And I've been the one that's like,

1171
00:59:24.640 --> 00:59:29.520
I'm not ready to be exclusive. Like he's only focused on me this whole time. And so,

1172
00:59:29.520 --> 00:59:34.800
I know, but if he was only focused on you, then the dude needed to pick up the tab. It's ice

1173
00:59:34.880 --> 00:59:42.080
cream. Was it less than $10? Well, no, actually. And so like it's kind of expensive ice cream,

1174
00:59:42.080 --> 00:59:46.800
but what ended up happening, I just checked my bank statement today. And it turns out that I've

1175
00:59:46.800 --> 00:59:52.640
ended up paying for both of us. I thought you didn't. I said, I'd like to pay for mine. And

1176
00:59:52.640 --> 00:59:57.760
he was supposed to pay for his, I didn't say that. I said, I'll pay for me and you can pay for you.

1177
00:59:57.760 --> 00:59:59.200
If that's how you would like to do it.

1178
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:01.260
But then I took my statement.

1179
01:00:01.260 --> 01:00:05.460
So I don't know if it was like the fault of the ice cream place, but I ended up,

1180
01:00:05.580 --> 01:00:10.020
it was very unattractive and I was so like scattered in my brain after that point.

1181
01:00:10.020 --> 01:00:12.540
I was like, Kent does not compute, does not compute.

1182
01:00:12.540 --> 01:00:13.580
Like, you know what I mean?

1183
01:00:13.580 --> 01:00:15.300
So like, cause anyway, and so.

1184
01:00:15.960 --> 01:00:16.920
Yes, I agree.

1185
01:00:16.920 --> 01:00:20.980
And so, um, so anyway, then I was like completely, I was like, this is over.

1186
01:00:21.020 --> 01:00:24.540
Like, I was like, this is, this is a note I was thinking, but then I was like, okay,

1187
01:00:24.540 --> 01:00:28.200
I need to be measured and I need to be reasonable and I need to like, you

1188
01:00:28.200 --> 01:00:29.720
know, maybe communicate some things.

1189
01:00:29.720 --> 01:00:31.160
So this is my internal dialogue.

1190
01:00:31.620 --> 01:00:34.800
So, but I am very like discombobulated emotionally at this point.

1191
01:00:34.800 --> 01:00:39.780
So, um, so what happened is, um, so we're sitting there and I'm just feeling

1192
01:00:39.780 --> 01:00:41.360
so extremely unattracted to him.

1193
01:00:41.360 --> 01:00:44.400
Like I went from feeling like super attractive when we first met to like,

1194
01:00:44.400 --> 01:00:46.220
now I'm like, no, it's, it's over.

1195
01:00:46.600 --> 01:00:51.200
You see ladies, by the way, this is why Jackie says it's a yes until it's a no,

1196
01:00:51.440 --> 01:00:56.640
because their character can change your attraction to them, not

1197
01:00:56.640 --> 01:00:58.240
just their physical attraction.

1198
01:00:58.280 --> 01:00:58.560
Okay.

1199
01:00:58.560 --> 01:00:59.120
Keep going.

1200
01:00:59.560 --> 01:01:00.320
And are you men?

1201
01:01:00.320 --> 01:01:02.480
And so, so anyway, so that's where that was at.

1202
01:01:02.480 --> 01:01:05.040
But then I thought, you know, he's never had a Christian relationship.

1203
01:01:05.440 --> 01:01:06.560
You know, he's also younger.

1204
01:01:06.560 --> 01:01:09.400
And I think there's like a different, like understanding.

1205
01:01:09.400 --> 01:01:12.360
It's very confusing out on these daties, dating streets, because it's

1206
01:01:12.360 --> 01:01:13.900
like, who pays what's right?

1207
01:01:13.900 --> 01:01:14.480
I don't even know.

1208
01:01:14.480 --> 01:01:16.820
And you're giving him too much credit.

1209
01:01:16.820 --> 01:01:18.600
So keep going, keep going on the date.

1210
01:01:18.880 --> 01:01:19.400
I want to hear.

1211
01:01:20.520 --> 01:01:24.240
So what happens is for the next three hours, um, now I wasn't planning on

1212
01:01:24.240 --> 01:01:27.480
having it this long, but I'm very much a quality time and a conversationalist.

1213
01:01:27.480 --> 01:01:30.240
And I'm also quite a good listener from what I'm told by my friends.

1214
01:01:30.680 --> 01:01:34.440
So I was on this, um, you know, I was listening for about three hours to him

1215
01:01:34.440 --> 01:01:37.080
talk about different, um, ideas.

1216
01:01:37.080 --> 01:01:41.320
He was having some random theories, you know, and I'm kind of intellectual myself.

1217
01:01:41.320 --> 01:01:44.760
So I was, you know, being a sounding board for him, but then after about

1218
01:01:44.760 --> 01:01:48.040
three hours, he finally checked in with me and I had said in the middle

1219
01:01:48.040 --> 01:01:50.560
of that, I said, Hey, I'd really love for you to ask me a question.

1220
01:01:50.560 --> 01:01:51.960
Is there anything you want to know?

1221
01:01:52.360 --> 01:01:54.640
And he asked me a question, but then he ultimately turned

1222
01:01:54.640 --> 01:01:55.920
it back around to himself.

1223
01:01:55.920 --> 01:02:00.840
And so, um, anyway, and so anyway, so then what happened, so we're sitting

1224
01:02:00.840 --> 01:02:05.120
at this park bench or like this picnic table outside of this part at this point.

1225
01:02:05.120 --> 01:02:06.640
And he decides to check in with me.

1226
01:02:06.640 --> 01:02:08.560
This is after, you know, three hours of this.

1227
01:02:09.120 --> 01:02:11.840
And I'm just thinking, okay, this guy has bought me nothing.

1228
01:02:11.960 --> 01:02:14.200
I have listened to him for almost three solid hours.

1229
01:02:14.600 --> 01:02:18.680
And, um, and I, and so he was like, you know, I just wanted to check in with you.

1230
01:02:18.680 --> 01:02:19.520
Like, how are you doing?

1231
01:02:19.520 --> 01:02:21.840
And I said, I'm feeling very missed.

1232
01:02:22.840 --> 01:02:23.840
I'm feeling very missed.

1233
01:02:24.080 --> 01:02:26.280
Like, like you are not seeing me or whatever.

1234
01:02:26.280 --> 01:02:29.080
And so then he was like, he took it really well.

1235
01:02:29.080 --> 01:02:30.880
He was like, you know, I'm so sorry.

1236
01:02:30.920 --> 01:02:35.360
And you know, um, why don't we have a reset and let's go to a restaurant and

1237
01:02:35.360 --> 01:02:39.800
like, and so then he asked me a question on the way to the restaurant and, but

1238
01:02:39.800 --> 01:02:43.840
then, you know, and then it didn't just, Melissa, just put pause, you guys

1239
01:02:44.040 --> 01:02:45.800
stop the conversation in the chat.

1240
01:02:46.160 --> 01:02:48.360
You guys, some of you have the wrong information.

1241
01:02:48.400 --> 01:02:49.840
I don't want y'all getting a tizzy.

1242
01:02:49.840 --> 01:02:51.120
Let's focus on Melissa.

1243
01:02:51.280 --> 01:02:52.400
I will answer all that stuff.

1244
01:02:52.480 --> 01:02:52.680
Okay.

1245
01:02:52.760 --> 01:02:53.120
Thanks.

1246
01:02:53.120 --> 01:02:53.520
Keep going.

1247
01:02:54.680 --> 01:02:55.240
Um, okay.

1248
01:02:55.240 --> 01:03:01.960
And so anyway, so basically, um, I, you know, so over dinner, um, I essentially,

1249
01:03:01.960 --> 01:03:03.000
I kind of accepted that.

1250
01:03:03.000 --> 01:03:06.000
So you had dinner with him after this, after the ice cream, you ate dinner?

1251
01:03:06.000 --> 01:03:09.760
I did because again, I'm trying to give him an opportunity for redemption.

1252
01:03:09.760 --> 01:03:13.640
And also because I don't want to assume in this first meeting, you know, he's

1253
01:03:13.640 --> 01:03:17.600
a new Christian, he's still trying to learn how to date and he needs some help.

1254
01:03:17.600 --> 01:03:18.200
Keep going, Melissa.

1255
01:03:18.200 --> 01:03:19.360
You're overexplaining for him.

1256
01:03:19.360 --> 01:03:19.920
Keep going.

1257
01:03:20.360 --> 01:03:20.880
Keep going.

1258
01:03:21.320 --> 01:03:26.240
So anyway, so what happened is then, um, you know, now it did turn out that about

1259
01:03:26.240 --> 01:03:30.520
70% of the dinner conversation was still about him, but it was actually things

1260
01:03:30.520 --> 01:03:32.280
that I really wanted to learn anyway.

1261
01:03:32.280 --> 01:03:33.640
So I just sort of accepted.

1262
01:03:34.000 --> 01:03:36.680
He's telling me about his purpose, his career, his spiritual community.

1263
01:03:36.680 --> 01:03:38.120
And these were questions I wanted to know.

1264
01:03:38.120 --> 01:03:40.800
So I just embraced that, let it be what it was.

1265
01:03:40.840 --> 01:03:44.440
I did offer things, you know, and, and just, even if you maybe didn't know how

1266
01:03:44.440 --> 01:03:48.240
to ask the most wonderful questions every second, I did still initiate and

1267
01:03:48.240 --> 01:03:50.320
say things about myself and whatnot.

1268
01:03:50.320 --> 01:03:50.600
Okay.

1269
01:03:50.600 --> 01:03:54.720
So let's get to the time when we come to pay at this point, I haven't expressed

1270
01:03:54.760 --> 01:04:00.040
my displeasure that he had not paid for my ice cream, but whenever he, whenever

1271
01:04:00.040 --> 01:04:04.160
the lady came, she brought the bill, assuming I'm sure that he's going to pick

1272
01:04:04.160 --> 01:04:06.960
up the bill, it's a table of two clearly looks like a date.

1273
01:04:07.240 --> 01:04:11.400
So anyway, um, he, he, he turned to me and said, would you like to split this?

1274
01:04:11.520 --> 01:04:13.320
I would not like to split this.

1275
01:04:13.560 --> 01:04:17.520
I would like, and, um, I said, I would like you to pay.

1276
01:04:18.040 --> 01:04:23.480
And I said, um, I, I want to feel feminine and I do not feel feminine

1277
01:04:23.840 --> 01:04:25.240
when I am paying my own way.

1278
01:04:25.760 --> 01:04:30.240
And I said, if you would like me to be one of the guys, then sure.

1279
01:04:30.640 --> 01:04:33.000
I will pay for myself and we're going to be bros.

1280
01:04:33.560 --> 01:04:38.800
And I said, however, if you would like me to be a feminine woman, I would

1281
01:04:38.800 --> 01:04:42.600
if you would like me to be a feminine woman and you would like to be a

1282
01:04:42.600 --> 01:04:46.400
masculine man, then I would encourage you to pay, but it's your choice.

1283
01:04:47.000 --> 01:04:49.880
And so, um, so then he was like, okay.

1284
01:04:49.960 --> 01:04:51.640
And so he decided to pay, he paid.

1285
01:04:51.640 --> 01:04:55.360
And then I looked at him and very sweetly said, thank you so much.

1286
01:04:55.440 --> 01:04:56.400
I really appreciate it.

1287
01:04:56.960 --> 01:04:59.960
And so then, um, and so then I.

1288
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:03.080
I kind of gained, regained some attraction for him at that point.

1289
01:05:03.080 --> 01:05:07.120
Because when I gave him feedback, he did receive it and he did respond.

1290
01:05:07.140 --> 01:05:08.280
He was not defensive.

1291
01:05:08.640 --> 01:05:13.280
And so showing that, and he appreciates the sincerity and the authenticity.

1292
01:05:13.640 --> 01:05:18.520
Um, and so he is all about growing, um, in terms of, you know, he's, he's

1293
01:05:18.520 --> 01:05:21.560
not, not so like sensitive, but he's not, he's not gonna be like,

1294
01:05:21.600 --> 01:05:22.720
Oh, why did you say that?

1295
01:05:22.720 --> 01:05:26.280
No, he took it and, and then he adapted and changed.

1296
01:05:26.280 --> 01:05:32.160
So, um, we did like, you know, like we played a game cause I remember you told

1297
01:05:32.160 --> 01:05:35.520
me, Melissa, I have a lot of people that have questions, so I want you to kind

1298
01:05:35.520 --> 01:05:39.840
of, you know, I just, I, we can't get the whole blow by blow, so give me, give

1299
01:05:39.840 --> 01:05:46.000
me your overall, what, what positives would you have to say about him?

1300
01:05:46.000 --> 01:05:47.440
Give me all the positives.

1301
01:05:48.280 --> 01:05:51.560
So I would say the fact that, and this may seem small to some people, but it's

1302
01:05:52.560 --> 01:05:57.400
the fact that we have strong mutual physical attraction is like very different.

1303
01:05:57.880 --> 01:06:04.240
Um, the fact that like we are, you know, we both speak, you know, the same like

1304
01:06:04.240 --> 01:06:07.320
languages, and so we're able to communicate in different ways.

1305
01:06:07.440 --> 01:06:09.320
We did play a game together and that was fun.

1306
01:06:09.320 --> 01:06:10.560
Cause you told me to bring a game.

1307
01:06:10.560 --> 01:06:11.000
So I did.

1308
01:06:11.680 --> 01:06:13.480
Um, now that part went well.

1309
01:06:13.520 --> 01:06:14.640
So you had a good date.

1310
01:06:14.680 --> 01:06:17.640
You had a good date for the money part.

1311
01:06:17.680 --> 01:06:18.600
You had a good date.

1312
01:06:19.560 --> 01:06:20.560
I would say yes.

1313
01:06:20.560 --> 01:06:23.080
And when I gave him feedback again, he responded.

1314
01:06:23.080 --> 01:06:27.160
And then the next day he sent me a text saying, because I expressed some

1315
01:06:27.160 --> 01:06:30.080
of my concerns and reservations, I was very real with him.

1316
01:06:30.560 --> 01:06:34.760
And so then he sent me a text the next day and said that he was going to be fasting

1317
01:06:34.760 --> 01:06:38.880
for this coming week and that he was going to go get deliverance and that he's

1318
01:06:38.880 --> 01:06:43.880
going to counseling, that he's doing all of those things now and, and so he's

1319
01:06:43.880 --> 01:06:46.360
taking action and so I appreciate that.

1320
01:06:46.360 --> 01:06:47.320
And I can respect that.

1321
01:06:47.320 --> 01:06:48.880
And I, you know, cheered him on that.

1322
01:06:49.480 --> 01:06:51.640
And so a little bit more information.

1323
01:06:51.640 --> 01:06:56.160
Cause we were going to have you ask him what his plans are about getting out

1324
01:06:56.160 --> 01:06:58.400
of the house with mom, like basically.

1325
01:06:58.760 --> 01:07:01.560
Yes, he does have plans and we talked about those.

1326
01:07:01.600 --> 01:07:07.480
Um, you know, I, yes, so he is, he is moving in that direction, but again,

1327
01:07:07.480 --> 01:07:11.920
it's going to take quite a bit of patience on my end and, you know, likely,

1328
01:07:11.920 --> 01:07:16.040
I mean, honestly, we'll probably never be on the same financial level just because

1329
01:07:16.240 --> 01:07:17.960
we're starting at very different points.

1330
01:07:18.320 --> 01:07:20.440
And that does make me a little bit nervous.

1331
01:07:20.520 --> 01:07:21.880
Um, because

1332
01:07:22.160 --> 01:07:26.480
most of all Melissa, why you're still like, why do you still want to keep going

1333
01:07:26.480 --> 01:07:27.160
with this guy?

1334
01:07:27.160 --> 01:07:32.600
Cause you caught, you are clearly, I can just tell you are the more articulate,

1335
01:07:32.960 --> 01:07:38.360
you are the more financially secure, you are the more stable, you're further

1336
01:07:38.360 --> 01:07:39.840
along in your faith.

1337
01:07:40.080 --> 01:07:44.800
Like it's going to be really hard for you to not lead this and you're older than

1338
01:07:44.840 --> 01:07:48.760
him, so it's going to be really hard for you to not lead.

1339
01:07:49.560 --> 01:07:52.240
So tell me, are you still talking to him?

1340
01:07:52.240 --> 01:07:53.560
Do you still want to talk to him?

1341
01:07:53.560 --> 01:07:55.360
And if you do, tell me why.

1342
01:07:56.560 --> 01:08:02.080
Um, well I am, but I, I'm not, I'm not, I still want to keep my options open.

1343
01:08:02.080 --> 01:08:03.560
I just don't want to cut it off.

1344
01:08:03.560 --> 01:08:06.680
In three weeks I'm going to be back in Texas and I'll be there for five to six

1345
01:08:06.680 --> 01:08:07.160
weeks.

1346
01:08:07.560 --> 01:08:13.280
And so I can see him in person for, you know, like at least once a week or like

1347
01:08:13.280 --> 01:08:14.000
on a weekend.

1348
01:08:14.320 --> 01:08:16.720
And I feel like I'd get more information at that point.

1349
01:08:16.720 --> 01:08:22.040
I think just because like, we have some things in common that are not always

1350
01:08:22.560 --> 01:08:23.920
frequent to have in common.

1351
01:08:23.920 --> 01:08:28.160
Like, you know, like we have an intellectual connection and you know, we

1352
01:08:28.160 --> 01:08:32.640
just have like some things that are kind of special, but so I kind of hesitate to

1353
01:08:32.640 --> 01:08:39.520
just throw this away, but, um, you know, because like, I don't know though, but

1354
01:08:39.960 --> 01:08:41.200
yeah, so I feel torn.

1355
01:08:41.600 --> 01:08:42.240
I really do.

1356
01:08:42.240 --> 01:08:46.279
I do feel torn and you know, I don't know.

1357
01:08:46.279 --> 01:08:50.840
So I kind of hate to just make a hard cut and just, then it's like, okay, well

1358
01:08:50.840 --> 01:08:53.960
maybe if I had waited a few more months, he would have gotten in a really good

1359
01:08:53.960 --> 01:08:54.359
place.

1360
01:08:54.359 --> 01:08:56.640
And then I would have been like, you know what I mean?

1361
01:08:56.640 --> 01:09:00.720
Super like attracted to him on another level because let's say, you know, he

1362
01:09:00.720 --> 01:09:04.120
realized, oh, I need to be a generous masculine man and I need to whatever.

1363
01:09:04.960 --> 01:09:05.200
All right.

1364
01:09:05.200 --> 01:09:10.240
So, so what you need to do going, if you're going to still give this man your

1365
01:09:10.279 --> 01:09:18.520
attention, do not lead him, do not guide him, do not help him, do not coach him.

1366
01:09:19.439 --> 01:09:21.840
See how he takes over the relationship.

1367
01:09:21.840 --> 01:09:26.880
And if he starts to lead, because if you keep coaching him, you're going to need

1368
01:09:26.880 --> 01:09:28.040
to keep coaching him.

1369
01:09:29.120 --> 01:09:35.399
The other thing you need to do is aggressively put your attention, um,

1370
01:09:35.680 --> 01:09:37.000
elsewhere as well.

1371
01:09:37.359 --> 01:09:42.880
So like, don't, if you are, if, if you're giving him free rent in your head, even

1372
01:09:42.880 --> 01:09:47.040
though you're saying you're open to other men, you're not, if you're not taking

1373
01:09:47.040 --> 01:09:51.960
him out of your brain, if you are analyzing this dating relationship in between all

1374
01:09:51.960 --> 01:09:53.160
of the conversations.

1375
01:09:53.160 --> 01:09:59.360
And so my strong encouragement is if you, my, I will say this, my gut tells me

1376
01:09:59.360 --> 01:10:00.120
you're too far.

1377
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:03.120
are ahead of him in every area of your life.

1378
01:10:03.120 --> 01:10:06.220
And that while it's cute to have some of these attractions,

1379
01:10:07.860 --> 01:10:10.600
you will grow weary of leading.

1380
01:10:10.600 --> 01:10:12.680
That's my opinion.

1381
01:10:12.680 --> 01:10:14.160
I'm willing to be wrong,

1382
01:10:14.160 --> 01:10:15.760
and I'm willing for you to hang in there

1383
01:10:15.760 --> 01:10:17.180
and keep talking to him.

1384
01:10:17.180 --> 01:10:19.840
My advice is if you're gonna keep talking to him,

1385
01:10:19.840 --> 01:10:21.240
coach, not at all.

1386
01:10:21.240 --> 01:10:25.040
Do not help him see how he leads

1387
01:10:25.040 --> 01:10:28.400
and make sure that when he's not talking to you,

1388
01:10:28.440 --> 01:10:30.600
you're not analyzing any of it.

1389
01:10:30.600 --> 01:10:33.080
You're just keeping a note of it after the calls,

1390
01:10:33.080 --> 01:10:36.080
after the dates, you jot down a few notes

1391
01:10:36.080 --> 01:10:39.680
and you walk away and put your attention somewhere else.

1392
01:10:39.680 --> 01:10:44.000
Like try that and see what happens, okay?

1393
01:10:44.000 --> 01:10:44.960
I appreciate that.

1394
01:10:44.960 --> 01:10:49.960
And I want to like, yeah, I just, I don't,

1395
01:10:50.440 --> 01:10:52.000
and I think I'm just gonna have to tell him

1396
01:10:52.000 --> 01:10:53.560
if he's like, hey, I wanna be exclusive.

1397
01:10:53.560 --> 01:10:56.200
Cause what he told me is like, I feel your energy

1398
01:10:56.200 --> 01:10:58.640
and like, I just feel like so much life.

1399
01:10:58.640 --> 01:11:00.480
No, it just, here's what you can just say.

1400
01:11:00.480 --> 01:11:01.600
It's really blunt.

1401
01:11:01.600 --> 01:11:02.440
What's his name?

1402
01:11:03.320 --> 01:11:04.640
Juan Carlos.

1403
01:11:04.640 --> 01:11:05.480
Yeah, okay.

1404
01:11:05.480 --> 01:11:06.360
I can't even pronounce that.

1405
01:11:06.360 --> 01:11:08.200
You just said that so nicely though.

1406
01:11:08.200 --> 01:11:10.240
You can just say, look, you know what?

1407
01:11:11.480 --> 01:11:13.180
For me to be exclusive,

1408
01:11:13.180 --> 01:11:14.560
I need to know that you're in a place

1409
01:11:14.560 --> 01:11:16.080
to lead this relationship.

1410
01:11:16.080 --> 01:11:17.640
And right now I don't see that yet,

1411
01:11:17.640 --> 01:11:21.160
but I'm open to seeing if you can be that leader, period.

1412
01:11:21.160 --> 01:11:22.000
Done.

1413
01:11:22.000 --> 01:11:23.320
Okay, Rachel, you're up.

1414
01:11:27.200 --> 01:11:31.960
Hi, so I have a couple of questions.

1415
01:11:33.840 --> 01:11:36.080
Now that I'm kind of thinking

1416
01:11:36.080 --> 01:11:39.160
of this anxious attachment style,

1417
01:11:39.160 --> 01:11:42.620
it's kind of scary to even think of getting out there.

1418
01:11:43.960 --> 01:11:48.960
I did look up on Google to see what was going on in my city.

1419
01:11:50.280 --> 01:11:54.480
And I did, I mean, I have posted also on Facebook,

1420
01:11:54.480 --> 01:11:59.480
but I did find that they're having like a bowling thing,

1421
01:12:00.320 --> 01:12:05.320
like a singles bowling night next, this coming Saturday.

1422
01:12:07.240 --> 01:12:10.980
So I signed up for it.

1423
01:12:10.980 --> 01:12:14.440
I invited like two ladies that,

1424
01:12:14.440 --> 01:12:16.720
from my church that are also single.

1425
01:12:16.720 --> 01:12:20.860
So it doesn't look, it doesn't feel so awkward.

1426
01:12:21.860 --> 01:12:25.940
Cause I mean, I have not, I have not been,

1427
01:12:25.940 --> 01:12:28.580
gosh, I haven't had a day in like 20 something years.

1428
01:12:31.620 --> 01:12:35.180
But I'm also having, like I have some limitations.

1429
01:12:35.180 --> 01:12:37.460
I have a knee that is bone on bone.

1430
01:12:37.460 --> 01:12:40.140
And that brings me insecurities

1431
01:12:40.140 --> 01:12:44.460
because sometimes like kind of limping here and there.

1432
01:12:44.460 --> 01:12:49.460
And I just, I don't even, I don't know what to expect.

1433
01:12:49.780 --> 01:12:54.500
And I'm a little bit, you know, in the afraid side of,

1434
01:12:54.500 --> 01:12:55.340
I don't know.

1435
01:12:55.340 --> 01:12:56.180
So let me help you.

1436
01:12:56.180 --> 01:12:58.380
You've not been out in a long time.

1437
01:12:58.380 --> 01:12:59.380
Oh my gosh, no.

1438
01:12:59.380 --> 01:13:00.660
Okay, you brought,

1439
01:13:00.660 --> 01:13:04.940
you're bringing some girls with you for your posse, right?

1440
01:13:04.940 --> 01:13:07.860
Okay, so can you just decide

1441
01:13:07.860 --> 01:13:11.620
that you're gonna go have fun and do something different

1442
01:13:11.620 --> 01:13:14.140
and have a great time with your girlfriends?

1443
01:13:14.140 --> 01:13:17.520
You're gonna see how you can find the joy in this,

1444
01:13:17.520 --> 01:13:20.120
that you're gonna laugh at every embarrassing,

1445
01:13:20.120 --> 01:13:24.360
awkward moment, that you don't overthink it.

1446
01:13:24.360 --> 01:13:25.760
And that you go like, you know what?

1447
01:13:25.760 --> 01:13:28.600
I am probably not gonna meet my husband here,

1448
01:13:28.600 --> 01:13:30.320
but I'm gonna learn so much

1449
01:13:30.320 --> 01:13:32.440
and I'm gonna make sure I have fun

1450
01:13:32.440 --> 01:13:35.600
and I bring joy into the room.

1451
01:13:35.600 --> 01:13:37.560
Can you just decide to do that?

1452
01:13:37.560 --> 01:13:38.400
Because you guys,

1453
01:13:38.400 --> 01:13:41.180
like when we go into these early situations,

1454
01:13:41.180 --> 01:13:44.040
let yourself off the hook.

1455
01:13:44.040 --> 01:13:46.900
That's how I treated every online dating thing.

1456
01:13:47.280 --> 01:13:50.940
I never, ever expected that I would find my person online.

1457
01:13:50.940 --> 01:13:54.200
No one made fun of online dating more than me, no one.

1458
01:13:54.200 --> 01:13:57.460
I just use it as a tool and a place to practice.

1459
01:13:57.460 --> 01:13:59.820
So Rachel, consider this practice.

1460
01:13:59.820 --> 01:14:03.380
Like I'm gonna go dress up in my most favorite outfit.

1461
01:14:03.380 --> 01:14:04.900
I'm gonna feel girly.

1462
01:14:04.900 --> 01:14:07.560
I'm gonna practice being feminine.

1463
01:14:07.560 --> 01:14:10.700
I'm gonna let men open the door for me.

1464
01:14:10.700 --> 01:14:13.380
I'm gonna find something nice to say

1465
01:14:13.380 --> 01:14:15.580
about every guy that I meet.

1466
01:14:15.580 --> 01:14:18.460
I'm gonna try to like ask a funny question.

1467
01:14:18.460 --> 01:14:20.640
And if I get tongue tied, I'm gonna be like,

1468
01:14:20.640 --> 01:14:23.100
well, I just learned something there.

1469
01:14:23.100 --> 01:14:27.380
So like, I wanna free you to go into this experience

1470
01:14:27.380 --> 01:14:30.540
with your girlfriends and just have fun.

1471
01:14:30.540 --> 01:14:32.460
This is just practice.

1472
01:14:32.460 --> 01:14:34.860
You do not need to meet your husband that night.

1473
01:14:34.860 --> 01:14:35.860
You don't.

1474
01:14:35.860 --> 01:14:37.940
You need to learn how to have fun.

1475
01:14:40.380 --> 01:14:41.220
Isn't that crazy?

1476
01:14:41.220 --> 01:14:42.740
Like we have to learn how to have fun.

1477
01:14:42.740 --> 01:14:44.260
Like, right.

1478
01:14:44.260 --> 01:14:46.380
Baby, I'm not telling you this because I didn't do it.

1479
01:14:46.380 --> 01:14:48.700
Like the reason why Jackie has me teach this check-in

1480
01:14:48.700 --> 01:14:51.040
is because I did it all wrong first, right?

1481
01:14:51.040 --> 01:14:53.260
And I learned, and I went on a million dates

1482
01:14:53.260 --> 01:14:56.780
and I just, I kind of worked the program kind of thing

1483
01:14:56.780 --> 01:14:57.940
and slogged it out.

1484
01:14:57.940 --> 01:15:00.100
And I had a lot of like, oh, he's so great.

1485
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:01.920
She's not so great, you know?

1486
01:15:01.920 --> 01:15:04.120
So I'm just encouraging you to have fun.

1487
01:15:04.120 --> 01:15:06.040
I don't want you to like get pressure.

1488
01:15:06.040 --> 01:15:09.440
Don't overthink the questions, be silly.

1489
01:15:09.440 --> 01:15:10.500
And here's the thing,

1490
01:15:10.500 --> 01:15:12.680
if you ever get a question you don't know what to do with,

1491
01:15:12.680 --> 01:15:14.240
that's a really great question.

1492
01:15:14.240 --> 01:15:15.600
I don't think I know the answer to that

1493
01:15:15.600 --> 01:15:16.880
off the top of my head.

1494
01:15:16.880 --> 01:15:18.520
I'm gonna have to think about that.

1495
01:15:18.520 --> 01:15:19.480
You guys, did you guys know

1496
01:15:19.480 --> 01:15:21.560
that that's an acceptable answer?

1497
01:15:21.560 --> 01:15:23.160
That's a really great question.

1498
01:15:23.160 --> 01:15:24.480
No one's asked me that.

1499
01:15:24.480 --> 01:15:27.020
I think I'm gonna need a little time to think about that.

1500
01:15:27.020 --> 01:15:28.560
If we ever see each other again,

1501
01:15:28.580 --> 01:15:30.740
I'll be happy to answer that question.

1502
01:15:31.660 --> 01:15:32.900
That is okay.

1503
01:15:32.900 --> 01:15:35.180
You don't always have to have an answer.

1504
01:15:35.180 --> 01:15:38.300
If somebody asks you a question that's too personal,

1505
01:15:38.300 --> 01:15:39.140
you know what?

1506
01:15:39.140 --> 01:15:40.700
That's a really great question.

1507
01:15:40.700 --> 01:15:42.780
I'm sure I would wanna know the answer to that

1508
01:15:42.780 --> 01:15:43.880
if I were you.

1509
01:15:43.880 --> 01:15:46.760
It's just too soon for me to talk about that.

1510
01:15:46.760 --> 01:15:48.580
I'm sure you understand.

1511
01:15:48.580 --> 01:15:50.740
We keep getting to know each other.

1512
01:15:50.740 --> 01:15:53.100
I will find the time to tell you that.

1513
01:15:53.100 --> 01:15:54.180
Now's not it.

1514
01:15:55.460 --> 01:15:56.300
Boom.

1515
01:15:56.320 --> 01:15:57.880
I'll probably text you when I'm out.

1516
01:15:57.880 --> 01:15:59.480
No, I'm just kidding.

1517
01:15:59.480 --> 01:16:01.320
So I can get these quick answers.

1518
01:16:01.320 --> 01:16:02.160
I know.

1519
01:16:02.160 --> 01:16:03.160
Will always says she like,

1520
01:16:03.160 --> 01:16:05.440
remember that, was it Cyrano Diversi?

1521
01:16:05.440 --> 01:16:07.680
Yeah, then you put that in the ear.

1522
01:16:07.680 --> 01:16:09.360
Yeah, then feed it.

1523
01:16:09.360 --> 01:16:12.560
Well, just be talking to your girlfriends

1524
01:16:12.560 --> 01:16:15.280
and just always be pepping each other up,

1525
01:16:15.280 --> 01:16:17.360
encouraging each other on.

1526
01:16:17.360 --> 01:16:19.080
And it's okay to take a pause.

1527
01:16:19.080 --> 01:16:20.640
You guys, I've done this in interviews.

1528
01:16:20.640 --> 01:16:22.620
It's the best skill in an interview.

1529
01:16:22.620 --> 01:16:23.680
Wow.

1530
01:16:23.680 --> 01:16:25.360
That was a really great question.

1531
01:16:25.380 --> 01:16:27.420
Let me think about that for a minute.

1532
01:16:27.420 --> 01:16:30.420
A, you just took 20 seconds to think about it.

1533
01:16:30.420 --> 01:16:33.060
B, you're now allowing for a pregnant pause

1534
01:16:33.060 --> 01:16:34.500
and you're showing confidence

1535
01:16:34.500 --> 01:16:36.460
that you can handle a pregnant pause.

1536
01:16:36.460 --> 01:16:38.660
That is the most confident thing somebody can do

1537
01:16:38.660 --> 01:16:40.860
during an interview and meeting a guy.

1538
01:16:40.860 --> 01:16:41.740
That's a great question.

1539
01:16:41.740 --> 01:16:43.420
Let me just think about that for a minute.

1540
01:16:43.420 --> 01:16:45.060
And you can even close your eyes.

1541
01:16:46.460 --> 01:16:47.340
Okay.

1542
01:16:47.340 --> 01:16:48.600
Here's what I wanna tell you right now.

1543
01:16:48.600 --> 01:16:50.380
I might have a better answer for you tomorrow,

1544
01:16:50.380 --> 01:16:52.340
but here's my immediate answer now.

1545
01:16:52.340 --> 01:16:53.160
Close your eyes.

1546
01:16:53.160 --> 01:16:54.000
Take away the gaze.

1547
01:16:54.000 --> 01:16:55.560
Take away the freak out.

1548
01:16:55.560 --> 01:16:58.180
So I wanna hear next week that you had fun,

1549
01:16:58.180 --> 01:17:00.100
no matter what, okay?

1550
01:17:00.100 --> 01:17:01.100
Okay.

1551
01:17:01.100 --> 01:17:02.020
Got it.

1552
01:17:02.020 --> 01:17:02.860
Okay.

1553
01:17:02.860 --> 01:17:03.700
Is it Coral?

1554
01:17:03.700 --> 01:17:04.520
Coral.

1555
01:17:06.420 --> 01:17:07.500
You're muted, girl.

1556
01:17:08.740 --> 01:17:10.000
You're muted still.

1557
01:17:11.580 --> 01:17:13.020
And you're still muted.

1558
01:17:13.020 --> 01:17:14.060
Okay, sorry.

1559
01:17:14.060 --> 01:17:14.900
Hi, Renee.

1560
01:17:14.900 --> 01:17:15.720
How are you?

1561
01:17:18.720 --> 01:17:20.260
Okay, so I have a question

1562
01:17:20.280 --> 01:17:24.560
and I'm chatting with two guys right now.

1563
01:17:24.560 --> 01:17:27.480
I had a one date with one guy.

1564
01:17:27.480 --> 01:17:31.080
And then so we have set up another date this Saturday.

1565
01:17:31.080 --> 01:17:33.380
So these two guys are quite different.

1566
01:17:33.380 --> 01:17:36.600
One is like a more senior, very established,

1567
01:17:36.600 --> 01:17:40.720
so very well to do, have lots of time to have fun.

1568
01:17:40.720 --> 01:17:45.720
And then, but he, I don't think he is a churchgoer, okay?

1569
01:17:46.640 --> 01:17:50.180
But he's very mature and wise and very good listener.

1570
01:17:51.000 --> 01:17:51.960
So that's his strength.

1571
01:17:51.960 --> 01:17:54.200
And then the second guy, I haven't met him.

1572
01:17:54.200 --> 01:17:56.840
I did a video quick chat just to know

1573
01:17:56.840 --> 01:17:59.720
that he is who he says he is.

1574
01:17:59.720 --> 01:18:04.720
And he's younger and he is in IT and a confident guy.

1575
01:18:05.180 --> 01:18:08.280
So I think both guys are quite healthy.

1576
01:18:09.800 --> 01:18:11.200
I don't know much about them yet,

1577
01:18:11.200 --> 01:18:13.520
but my question is, of course,

1578
01:18:13.520 --> 01:18:15.600
we are not trying to find a husband right away.

1579
01:18:15.600 --> 01:18:18.160
This is just like so initial, right?

1580
01:18:18.180 --> 01:18:20.980
But I do find that in my mind,

1581
01:18:20.980 --> 01:18:23.860
I'm thinking about who eventually,

1582
01:18:23.860 --> 01:18:27.180
if there's a possibility,

1583
01:18:27.180 --> 01:18:30.980
like how do I know which person is better,

1584
01:18:30.980 --> 01:18:34.020
like more suited or is it right now,

1585
01:18:34.020 --> 01:18:38.420
should I just go and just to have fun and just chat?

1586
01:18:38.420 --> 01:18:39.620
I'm so glad you asked that.

1587
01:18:39.620 --> 01:18:42.860
Okay, so first, definitely go to just have fun.

1588
01:18:42.860 --> 01:18:45.220
You do not need to make up your mind right away.

1589
01:18:45.240 --> 01:18:48.280
You can actually go on a few dates with both of them.

1590
01:18:48.280 --> 01:18:50.480
If you're gonna be dating more than one person

1591
01:18:50.480 --> 01:18:51.320
at the same time,

1592
01:18:51.320 --> 01:18:53.720
we just encourage you guys to keep the romance out of it.

1593
01:18:53.720 --> 01:18:54.880
We don't want you to be making out

1594
01:18:54.880 --> 01:18:55.800
with three different guys.

1595
01:18:55.800 --> 01:18:57.600
It gets really confusing.

1596
01:18:57.600 --> 01:19:02.200
So you're not trying to find a husband in your first date.

1597
01:19:02.200 --> 01:19:04.140
You're just trying to find the guy

1598
01:19:04.140 --> 01:19:06.840
that you wanna see the next time.

1599
01:19:06.840 --> 01:19:07.720
That's it.

1600
01:19:07.720 --> 01:19:12.720
Do you have enough of a good time to book a second date?

1601
01:19:12.940 --> 01:19:14.740
That's, so you don't, you know what I'm saying?

1602
01:19:14.740 --> 01:19:17.180
Like, so Carl, you're out with, you know,

1603
01:19:17.180 --> 01:19:19.580
bachelor number one and you're like,

1604
01:19:19.580 --> 01:19:21.100
I had a really good time.

1605
01:19:21.100 --> 01:19:23.420
There was a few questions, eh,

1606
01:19:23.420 --> 01:19:26.540
cause as Jackie will say, everybody has yellow flags.

1607
01:19:26.540 --> 01:19:28.420
Did y'all know you have yellow flags?

1608
01:19:28.420 --> 01:19:29.840
I've got yellow flags.

1609
01:19:29.840 --> 01:19:32.140
You got triggers, he's got triggers.

1610
01:19:32.140 --> 01:19:35.100
You got baggage, he's got baggage.

1611
01:19:35.100 --> 01:19:37.980
Okay, so you, on those first dates,

1612
01:19:37.980 --> 01:19:42.620
you only wanna decide, do I wanna see him again?

1613
01:19:43.320 --> 01:19:44.160
That's it, right?

1614
01:19:44.160 --> 01:19:47.680
And you get to decide that with like two, three,

1615
01:19:47.680 --> 01:19:50.180
four guys at the same time.

1616
01:19:50.180 --> 01:19:51.560
I will say this.

1617
01:19:51.560 --> 01:19:54.800
There are some people that could do level two dating.

1618
01:19:54.800 --> 01:19:57.100
When I hear Jackie say level two dating

1619
01:19:57.100 --> 01:19:58.920
for like two to three months,

1620
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:04.540
I think that's a long time to go out on it.

1621
01:20:04.540 --> 01:20:07.340
I will say this, if your schedule only allows

1622
01:20:07.340 --> 01:20:09.740
for you to see each other two or three times,

1623
01:20:09.740 --> 01:20:11.760
I could see it taking two months.

1624
01:20:12.660 --> 01:20:15.760
But if you guys are local and he books like a date

1625
01:20:15.760 --> 01:20:18.420
every week and by date number four,

1626
01:20:19.460 --> 01:20:22.700
I will say this personally by date number four,

1627
01:20:22.700 --> 01:20:25.140
I know if I wanna be exclusive with the guy.

1628
01:20:25.140 --> 01:20:28.100
I still haven't decided if I wanna marry him,

1629
01:20:28.100 --> 01:20:32.080
but I know if I'm ready to turn my attention to just him,

1630
01:20:32.080 --> 01:20:34.480
which I call level 3A.

1631
01:20:34.480 --> 01:20:38.520
Jackie doesn't have A and B, it's what I call level 3A.

1632
01:20:38.520 --> 01:20:41.240
Level 3A is you wanna just talk to me?

1633
01:20:41.240 --> 01:20:43.120
Awesome, I just wanna talk to you.

1634
01:20:43.120 --> 01:20:45.720
I'm like, there's some other guys, I'm like, eh.

1635
01:20:45.720 --> 01:20:47.840
And so I just put everything else on pause.

1636
01:20:47.840 --> 01:20:49.920
It doesn't mean I closed all the apps

1637
01:20:49.920 --> 01:20:51.680
and canceled all my things.

1638
01:20:51.680 --> 01:20:55.080
It just means I press pause and I focus on one guy.

1639
01:20:55.080 --> 01:20:57.160
So for these first couple of dates,

1640
01:20:57.160 --> 01:21:00.240
you can have as many dates as you want with these guys.

1641
01:21:00.240 --> 01:21:02.440
I would say by date three or four,

1642
01:21:02.440 --> 01:21:05.600
don't be surprised if someone's gonna wanna lock it in.

1643
01:21:05.600 --> 01:21:07.460
And at that point you go, you know what?

1644
01:21:07.460 --> 01:21:11.500
And then you can decide, am I willing to date just him?

1645
01:21:11.500 --> 01:21:14.160
Maybe not, and then you don't have to.

1646
01:21:14.160 --> 01:21:15.560
You can say, you know what?

1647
01:21:15.560 --> 01:21:16.760
I'm kind of doing this program.

1648
01:21:16.760 --> 01:21:20.280
I'm really, I used to jump into relationships too quickly.

1649
01:21:20.280 --> 01:21:22.960
It's not that I'm dying to go out with other men,

1650
01:21:22.960 --> 01:21:25.840
but right now I just wanna keep getting to know you.

1651
01:21:25.840 --> 01:21:27.320
I just wanna keep getting to know you.

1652
01:21:27.320 --> 01:21:29.600
So if you haven't figured that out yet,

1653
01:21:29.600 --> 01:21:32.720
those first dates are just about making sure

1654
01:21:32.720 --> 01:21:34.200
you get to the next date.

1655
01:21:34.200 --> 01:21:35.400
Does that help?

1656
01:21:35.400 --> 01:21:36.720
Yeah, that's very helpful.

1657
01:21:36.720 --> 01:21:38.600
So would you say that even at the beginning,

1658
01:21:38.600 --> 01:21:41.120
I feel you still need to give the energy, right?

1659
01:21:41.120 --> 01:21:43.440
Like keep the text going,

1660
01:21:43.440 --> 01:21:45.920
so you still maintain that-

1661
01:21:45.920 --> 01:21:48.000
Yes, but you don't have to.

1662
01:21:48.000 --> 01:21:52.040
Yeah, so if you are level two dating with somebody,

1663
01:21:52.040 --> 01:21:54.760
you do not need to text every single day

1664
01:21:54.760 --> 01:21:56.880
and talk on the phone every single day.

1665
01:21:56.880 --> 01:21:59.400
That to me is boyfriend level.

1666
01:21:59.400 --> 01:22:02.720
Like to me, now you can text every day,

1667
01:22:02.720 --> 01:22:04.680
but you don't have to.

1668
01:22:04.680 --> 01:22:08.120
It's the other person people doing that.

1669
01:22:08.120 --> 01:22:10.680
So you just kind of reciprocate.

1670
01:22:10.680 --> 01:22:12.800
Well, you can reciprocate at the pace

1671
01:22:12.800 --> 01:22:14.280
that you feel like reciprocating.

1672
01:22:14.280 --> 01:22:16.960
Now, Jackie would say match their,

1673
01:22:16.960 --> 01:22:20.880
she would say match their energy if you want to.

1674
01:22:20.880 --> 01:22:24.460
If you wanna slow him down, you might need to slow it down.

1675
01:22:25.160 --> 01:22:26.300
And you can even say, hey, you know what?

1676
01:22:26.300 --> 01:22:29.460
Like, honestly, I'm super busy right now

1677
01:22:29.460 --> 01:22:31.580
and I'm just getting to know you.

1678
01:22:31.580 --> 01:22:32.740
And I, you know what?

1679
01:22:32.740 --> 01:22:35.580
It is okay if we don't text every single day.

1680
01:22:35.580 --> 01:22:39.140
So I really am enjoying getting to know you.

1681
01:22:39.140 --> 01:22:42.060
I just, you can even have this boundary, you guys.

1682
01:22:42.060 --> 01:22:43.940
I'm enjoying getting to know you.

1683
01:22:43.940 --> 01:22:46.060
I really like your company.

1684
01:22:46.060 --> 01:22:49.700
I tend to not text every single day

1685
01:22:49.700 --> 01:22:51.460
with somebody I'm just getting to know.

1686
01:22:51.460 --> 01:22:53.340
I don't have that bandwidth.

1687
01:22:54.740 --> 01:22:58.860
That's something I reserve for an exclusive relationship.

1688
01:22:58.860 --> 01:23:00.340
And I'm just not there yet.

1689
01:23:01.260 --> 01:23:03.380
It's okay for you to set that boundary.

1690
01:23:03.380 --> 01:23:05.020
But what you don't wanna do is play games

1691
01:23:05.020 --> 01:23:06.460
and just not respond to him.

1692
01:23:06.460 --> 01:23:07.820
Do you know what I'm saying?

1693
01:23:07.820 --> 01:23:09.780
Like, he can't read your mind.

1694
01:23:09.780 --> 01:23:10.620
So you have to tell him.

1695
01:23:10.620 --> 01:23:13.700
Do you think that if they expect you to get back,

1696
01:23:13.700 --> 01:23:15.920
that they expect this is kind of,

1697
01:23:17.220 --> 01:23:18.740
that it's kind of-

1698
01:23:18.740 --> 01:23:20.860
That's why you have to ask for what you need

1699
01:23:20.860 --> 01:23:23.060
and you have to state your boundary.

1700
01:23:23.140 --> 01:23:25.020
This way he knows where you stand.

1701
01:23:25.020 --> 01:23:26.620
She's still interested.

1702
01:23:26.620 --> 01:23:28.980
She just told me she does not have the bandwidth

1703
01:23:28.980 --> 01:23:30.500
to text every single day.

1704
01:23:31.580 --> 01:23:32.420
Okay.

1705
01:23:32.420 --> 01:23:33.580
Okay.

1706
01:23:33.580 --> 01:23:36.020
I'm gonna answer the question that was in the chat.

1707
01:23:36.020 --> 01:23:39.040
Okay, so phase one is about five weeks.

1708
01:23:39.040 --> 01:23:41.280
Phase two, we encourage you to stay here

1709
01:23:41.280 --> 01:23:42.740
for about four weeks.

1710
01:23:43.660 --> 01:23:46.900
We usually don't let you leave phase two sooner than three.

1711
01:23:46.900 --> 01:23:47.740
Some of you are like,

1712
01:23:47.740 --> 01:23:49.740
I watched all the videos, I'm ready to go.

1713
01:23:49.740 --> 01:23:51.180
Fine, I'm not gonna make you stay

1714
01:23:51.180 --> 01:23:52.540
even though I'm really fun.

1715
01:23:53.300 --> 01:23:56.180
But, you know, phase two is about three to four weeks.

1716
01:23:56.180 --> 01:23:57.700
You've watched all the videos,

1717
01:23:57.700 --> 01:24:00.180
you've come for this coaching.

1718
01:24:00.180 --> 01:24:01.900
Phase three, you guys,

1719
01:24:01.900 --> 01:24:04.540
here's the coaching that you get in phase three.

1720
01:24:04.540 --> 01:24:05.820
It's not the same.

1721
01:24:05.820 --> 01:24:07.600
Okay, here's the difference.

1722
01:24:07.600 --> 01:24:09.340
You're in a pool right now.

1723
01:24:09.340 --> 01:24:14.020
Like, look, there's only 34 of you online right now,

1724
01:24:14.020 --> 01:24:15.260
on the call right now.

1725
01:24:15.260 --> 01:24:18.060
So your chances of you getting your questions answered

1726
01:24:18.060 --> 01:24:19.300
are pretty stinking high

1727
01:24:19.300 --> 01:24:21.180
because there's less of you here.

1728
01:24:21.180 --> 01:24:25.020
When you go into the pool in phase three,

1729
01:24:25.020 --> 01:24:27.660
you're in a group with 800 people.

1730
01:24:27.660 --> 01:24:30.580
So we have a monthly thing called love seats.

1731
01:24:30.580 --> 01:24:32.820
It's just like this weekly check-in.

1732
01:24:32.820 --> 01:24:34.100
You go into the love seat

1733
01:24:34.100 --> 01:24:36.700
or the hot seat with Jackie directly

1734
01:24:36.700 --> 01:24:37.900
and she'll bring that up.

1735
01:24:37.900 --> 01:24:39.620
So that's monthly.

1736
01:24:39.620 --> 01:24:41.380
Then the other thing that she offers

1737
01:24:41.380 --> 01:24:43.100
is something called Ask Jackie,

1738
01:24:43.100 --> 01:24:45.580
which I think you guys already have access to

1739
01:24:45.580 --> 01:24:47.580
where you can submit a question.

1740
01:24:47.580 --> 01:24:51.580
She tries to do those Ask Jackies every other week.

1741
01:24:51.580 --> 01:24:54.780
So between an Ask Jackie and a love seat,

1742
01:24:54.780 --> 01:24:57.720
you're getting your dating questions answered

1743
01:24:57.720 --> 01:24:59.660
probably two to three times a month.

1744
01:24:59.660 --> 01:25:00.500
So it's-

1745
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:02.720
not weekly like this.

1746
01:25:02.720 --> 01:25:06.360
The other thing is we have all of our co-ed live sessions

1747
01:25:06.360 --> 01:25:07.200
going on.

1748
01:25:07.200 --> 01:25:10.680
We have our single spotlight, we have our education nights.

1749
01:25:10.680 --> 01:25:12.960
And so you have a lot more interaction

1750
01:25:12.960 --> 01:25:14.880
with Jackie in phase three,

1751
01:25:14.880 --> 01:25:18.880
but you're in a pool of a lot larger number of people.

1752
01:25:18.880 --> 01:25:22.800
So that's why we encourage you to stay in phase two

1753
01:25:22.800 --> 01:25:24.320
for three to four weeks.

1754
01:25:24.320 --> 01:25:28.480
So you can get all this individualized attention here

1755
01:25:28.520 --> 01:25:30.340
so that when you get into the larger pool,

1756
01:25:30.340 --> 01:25:32.400
you're still getting coaching,

1757
01:25:32.400 --> 01:25:35.880
but you're getting coaching in a much larger audience.

1758
01:25:35.880 --> 01:25:38.760
If you're brave and you're willing to go in the hot seat

1759
01:25:38.760 --> 01:25:41.600
like you guys are doing tonight, you can.

1760
01:25:41.600 --> 01:25:43.600
I will say it's easier to get in the hot seat

1761
01:25:43.600 --> 01:25:45.000
when it's only 30 other people.

1762
01:25:45.000 --> 01:25:47.560
It feels a lot more intimidating for some people

1763
01:25:47.560 --> 01:25:50.260
when there's 250 people on the call

1764
01:25:50.260 --> 01:25:52.240
and potentially men in the room.

1765
01:25:52.240 --> 01:25:57.000
And so I just wanted to clarify that about phase three.

1766
01:25:57.000 --> 01:26:00.640
You should have, if you signed up correctly,

1767
01:26:00.640 --> 01:26:02.520
a email should have gotten triggered

1768
01:26:02.520 --> 01:26:04.480
when you complete the last video.

1769
01:26:04.480 --> 01:26:08.080
And it'll say, congratulations, you're done with phase two,

1770
01:26:08.080 --> 01:26:09.560
ready to go to phase three.

1771
01:26:09.560 --> 01:26:11.720
Unfortunately, the algorithm doesn't know

1772
01:26:11.720 --> 01:26:13.760
how fast you watch the videos.

1773
01:26:13.760 --> 01:26:15.360
So just cause you get that email,

1774
01:26:15.360 --> 01:26:19.840
what happens then is some of you try to join phase three

1775
01:26:19.840 --> 01:26:22.400
and Cheryl or Bethany will email you back saying,

1776
01:26:22.400 --> 01:26:24.080
dude, you just got to phase two.

1777
01:26:24.080 --> 01:26:26.520
We're making you stay there a couple more weeks.

1778
01:26:27.440 --> 01:26:30.320
And so then in a couple more weeks,

1779
01:26:30.320 --> 01:26:32.360
you then reapply to get in phase three

1780
01:26:32.360 --> 01:26:33.620
and then they let you in.

1781
01:26:33.620 --> 01:26:38.620
So hopefully that helped explain it.

1782
01:26:40.120 --> 01:26:43.400
Okay, I'm gonna let Audra go next.

1783
01:26:43.400 --> 01:26:44.920
iPad person, I'll try to get,

1784
01:26:44.920 --> 01:26:47.000
I'm gonna try to read your thing too and get to that.

1785
01:26:47.000 --> 01:26:48.760
But Audra, you're up.

1786
01:26:48.760 --> 01:26:49.880
Hey, Renee.

1787
01:26:49.880 --> 01:26:50.720
Hey.

1788
01:26:50.720 --> 01:26:51.560
Thank you.

1789
01:26:51.560 --> 01:26:53.080
So I wanted to share an update.

1790
01:26:53.080 --> 01:26:57.320
I've been on five dates from Friday to Monday.

1791
01:26:57.320 --> 01:26:58.160
Okay.

1792
01:26:59.640 --> 01:27:03.800
I just kind of went all in, got to listening to videos

1793
01:27:03.800 --> 01:27:05.720
and I wanted to share about two of them.

1794
01:27:05.720 --> 01:27:09.400
So I actually went to the coffee shop Saturday morning

1795
01:27:09.400 --> 01:27:11.980
to meet another guy and met a guy in line.

1796
01:27:13.800 --> 01:27:16.000
Wait, are you the chick that met the guy in line

1797
01:27:16.000 --> 01:27:18.080
and you had a date with two men?

1798
01:27:18.080 --> 01:27:19.160
Yeah, did you do that?

1799
01:27:19.160 --> 01:27:21.080
Okay, girlfriend.

1800
01:27:21.080 --> 01:27:22.880
I read that.

1801
01:27:23.640 --> 01:27:24.680
I don't know how you pulled that off.

1802
01:27:24.680 --> 01:27:28.080
Y'all, she was meeting a guy for coffee,

1803
01:27:28.080 --> 01:27:30.560
in line getting coffee,

1804
01:27:30.560 --> 01:27:32.560
started flirting with the guy in line

1805
01:27:32.560 --> 01:27:36.160
and somehow invited him to join her on her date.

1806
01:27:36.160 --> 01:27:38.680
How did the guy on the original date not get offended?

1807
01:27:38.680 --> 01:27:39.640
Because I have to be honest,

1808
01:27:39.640 --> 01:27:43.000
if I were a chick and a guy like invited another chick

1809
01:27:43.000 --> 01:27:44.960
to my date, I would have been so out of there.

1810
01:27:44.960 --> 01:27:48.880
So how did you manage for him to not feel dissed?

1811
01:27:48.880 --> 01:27:50.800
Well, it was so funny because like,

1812
01:27:50.800 --> 01:27:53.680
I didn't even know if he was really seeing it as a date

1813
01:27:53.680 --> 01:27:55.200
because he was kind of wishy-washy,

1814
01:27:55.200 --> 01:27:57.980
like saying that he was looking for good community.

1815
01:27:57.980 --> 01:27:59.360
And so I was like, okay.

1816
01:27:59.360 --> 01:28:00.200
And then-

1817
01:28:00.200 --> 01:28:03.600
Okay, so he kind of gave you an out per se

1818
01:28:03.600 --> 01:28:05.960
to make you feel like you could do this.

1819
01:28:05.960 --> 01:28:06.800
Well, what do you think?

1820
01:28:06.800 --> 01:28:10.080
You had a great time with both of them at the same time.

1821
01:28:11.000 --> 01:28:13.480
Well, I really liked the guy I met at the coffee shop.

1822
01:28:13.480 --> 01:28:14.320
So which one?

1823
01:28:14.320 --> 01:28:17.000
So you liked the guy that you met spontaneously more?

1824
01:28:17.000 --> 01:28:17.840
Yeah.

1825
01:28:17.840 --> 01:28:18.800
Yeah.

1826
01:28:18.800 --> 01:28:20.640
Has he called you again?

1827
01:28:21.480 --> 01:28:25.120
He asked me out that evening, like to go out that evening.

1828
01:28:25.120 --> 01:28:27.720
And so I did.

1829
01:28:27.720 --> 01:28:29.400
And like, oh my gosh,

1830
01:28:29.400 --> 01:28:32.760
there was like immediate chemistry and attraction.

1831
01:28:32.760 --> 01:28:36.560
And like, he had just moved back from living overseas.

1832
01:28:36.560 --> 01:28:38.640
He's like three and a half years older than me,

1833
01:28:38.640 --> 01:28:42.400
well-educated, successful, like all this stuff.

1834
01:28:42.400 --> 01:28:45.760
But I found out that he doesn't have a relationship with God.

1835
01:28:47.000 --> 01:28:49.140
And I used your line.

1836
01:28:50.800 --> 01:28:54.400
Yeah, I used your line when we went to get a drink.

1837
01:28:54.400 --> 01:28:56.800
And I was just saying like,

1838
01:28:56.800 --> 01:29:00.440
if you could lose one of your senses, what would it be?

1839
01:29:00.440 --> 01:29:03.360
And he said, smell.

1840
01:29:03.360 --> 01:29:04.840
And then I said, hearing.

1841
01:29:05.720 --> 01:29:09.320
And then this guy, it was like going,

1842
01:29:09.320 --> 01:29:12.800
well, he throws out, but not touch

1843
01:29:12.800 --> 01:29:14.520
because then you can't have sex.

1844
01:29:16.360 --> 01:29:19.040
And then I just froze.

1845
01:29:19.080 --> 01:29:22.840
And then like after that, he started rubbing my back

1846
01:29:22.840 --> 01:29:26.560
and it was just like, oh my gosh, it was so uncomfortable.

1847
01:29:26.560 --> 01:29:29.440
But like, I was so attracted to him.

1848
01:29:29.440 --> 01:29:32.640
So I just like kept going with the date.

1849
01:29:32.640 --> 01:29:37.640
And then by the end of the night, he was like,

1850
01:29:37.800 --> 01:29:39.840
I think it just became really clear to me

1851
01:29:39.840 --> 01:29:41.280
that he would love bombing me.

1852
01:29:41.280 --> 01:29:45.960
And like trying to like take, you know,

1853
01:29:45.960 --> 01:29:50.040
just like come on to me basically.

1854
01:29:50.040 --> 01:29:54.560
And he was like playing this little game of like,

1855
01:29:54.560 --> 01:29:55.400
do you like me?

1856
01:29:55.400 --> 01:29:56.760
Like, why won't you sit close to me?

1857
01:29:56.760 --> 01:29:58.960
And I was like, this is close enough.

1858
01:29:58.960 --> 01:30:00.080
And I.

1859
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:06.000
said to him, you know, like, what were you hoping to have happen? And he didn't say anything. He

1860
01:30:06.000 --> 01:30:14.320
just walked me back to my car. But he was also like saying these things. You know, asking if

1861
01:30:14.320 --> 01:30:19.920
I was done traveling and like wanted to settle down in the city, and saying that he was more

1862
01:30:19.920 --> 01:30:26.560
open to faith now. But at the end of the day, I just told him no, like I let him go. And I said,

1863
01:30:26.560 --> 01:30:34.240
our values are too far apart. Good. Thank you. But that's probably true. I mean,

1864
01:30:35.120 --> 01:30:38.400
he was probably just going to throw in the faith stuff just to hook you girl.

1865
01:30:40.320 --> 01:30:46.960
Yeah, that's true. Okay. And here's the thing, you guys. It is really hot. I'm glad you were

1866
01:30:46.960 --> 01:30:52.080
very honest about that. You guys. It is really easy for us to say or go Audra, why did you not

1867
01:30:52.080 --> 01:30:56.720
just kick him to the curb the minute he brought up sex? Because he was cute. And there was

1868
01:30:56.720 --> 01:31:01.120
chemistry. And you guys are in this to be a day. And you're human. And sometimes when you're

1869
01:31:01.120 --> 01:31:06.640
physically attracted to somebody, you think you can keep it at bay. You think like, oh, I'm so

1870
01:31:06.640 --> 01:31:12.640
like, I'm going to bring Jesus into his life. And I'm going to help him be abstinent. No. But we

1871
01:31:12.640 --> 01:31:18.640
all get the allure. I'm glad that you ended it. Because as Jackie would say, you guys, it's pretty

1872
01:31:18.640 --> 01:31:24.400
much a red flag. If men are being, if they're given any form of sexual conversation or innuendo

1873
01:31:25.040 --> 01:31:30.960
in the first conversation and getting to know you, it's a priority in their life. At the end of the

1874
01:31:30.960 --> 01:31:36.480
day, it's a priority in their life. Even if, even if he's not a douchebag, sex is a priority in his

1875
01:31:36.480 --> 01:31:41.680
life. And that's not where you're at in yours. And I don't want you to have massive willpower.

1876
01:31:41.680 --> 01:31:48.160
You guys willpower will lose at all costs. Like y'all, I help run this program and like,

1877
01:31:48.160 --> 01:31:52.640
I have got to be careful with me and Rick sometimes. Like my willpower is not strong

1878
01:31:52.640 --> 01:31:57.280
enough all the time. I cannot rely on it. So did you have a question or did you just want to give

1879
01:31:57.280 --> 01:32:02.000
us an update? Oh yeah. Yes. I wanted to tell you about that, but then I wanted to tell you about

1880
01:32:02.000 --> 01:32:09.040
another guy that actually is showing that he's mature, masculine, marriage-minded,

1881
01:32:09.040 --> 01:32:16.400
a referral from a friend and he and I just went on our third date and he, at the end of the date,

1882
01:32:16.400 --> 01:32:20.960
he's going out of town this weekend for his brother's wedding, but he scheduled a call with

1883
01:32:20.960 --> 01:32:26.080
me for Sunday and he already made plans with me for next week for like our fourth in-person.

1884
01:32:26.960 --> 01:32:32.000
See, that is a man who's pursuing. Are you attracted to him?

1885
01:32:32.960 --> 01:32:38.080
So that's the difficulty. I'm totally thrown off because he's not typically the guy that I would

1886
01:32:38.080 --> 01:32:43.840
be attracted to, but like, I really like his personality. Like he's such a gentleman. Makes

1887
01:32:43.840 --> 01:32:50.400
me feel so safe and like intellectually. Yeah. Stick with it. Stick with it because,

1888
01:32:51.120 --> 01:32:57.600
yeah, I would say stick with it because if you enjoy his company, do you enjoy his company?

1889
01:32:58.400 --> 01:33:03.760
Yeah. If you enjoy his company, stick with it. Here's when it's too late. Like

1890
01:33:04.560 --> 01:33:10.160
there was one guy I dated way, way in the beginning of this program and I was not attracted to him,

1891
01:33:10.160 --> 01:33:14.160
but he was a good guy and everyone liked him and I kept thinking, oh, this is what normal

1892
01:33:14.160 --> 01:33:19.280
attraction is. Jackie said it's a yes until it's a no. Y'all, we talked about getting married and

1893
01:33:19.280 --> 01:33:24.080
having Simbas. There was something that we went away for the weekend and I had to sleep in the

1894
01:33:24.080 --> 01:33:28.320
same bed as him. Y'all, I didn't want to do a dang thing with him in that bed. Like that to me,

1895
01:33:28.800 --> 01:33:36.160
that was a big sign that it was not right. Like in the early part of dating, it is okay if you're

1896
01:33:36.160 --> 01:33:42.480
not completely attracted. I would say if you're about to get exclusive, your attraction needs to

1897
01:33:42.480 --> 01:33:49.360
be there. So you've got some time to decide, but I'm glad that you have the juxtapose. I'm glad

1898
01:33:49.360 --> 01:33:55.360
that you had guy over here who was like all about the touch and feel and make out. And then you got

1899
01:33:55.360 --> 01:34:00.960
pursue guy over here and you guys, that's the guy that's going to win the race. That's the guy

1900
01:34:01.600 --> 01:34:06.160
who's give him a chance. That's all I'm going to say. Give him a chance. Audra and I love that

1901
01:34:06.160 --> 01:34:12.160
you had both of those experiences in the same amount of time period. Okay. Thank you. Let me

1902
01:34:12.160 --> 01:34:18.800
look at this thing real quick. Isn't talking or planning on meeting a person after I told him a

1903
01:34:18.800 --> 01:34:33.840
few times via text? Okay. Okay. So Larissa, he's got to put his money where his mouth is. So

1904
01:34:35.840 --> 01:34:42.880
yeah, Larissa's chat in there is perfect. You guys, that's his example of why I don't like giving

1905
01:34:42.880 --> 01:34:46.880
out cell phone numbers, even if it's a Google number. If you're getting a guy that all he's

1906
01:34:46.880 --> 01:34:52.080
doing is texting with you and you say, Oh, well just give me my number. We'll talk on the phone.

1907
01:34:52.080 --> 01:34:56.400
You don't know that he's going to talk on the phone. He might just keep the texting BS going.

1908
01:34:57.040 --> 01:34:59.840
And so you're going to be brave Larissa.

1909
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:01.660
You're gonna nip this in the bud.

1910
01:35:01.660 --> 01:35:02.500
You know what?

1911
01:35:02.500 --> 01:35:04.200
Hey dude, I was really clear

1912
01:35:04.200 --> 01:35:06.720
that I really wanna meet somebody in real life.

1913
01:35:06.720 --> 01:35:09.040
I find that texting just gets clunky

1914
01:35:09.040 --> 01:35:11.480
after a week or two, it's just enough.

1915
01:35:11.480 --> 01:35:14.080
At this point, I'm ready to move forward

1916
01:35:14.080 --> 01:35:15.780
and have a video chat with you.

1917
01:35:15.780 --> 01:35:17.880
At that point, after that video chat,

1918
01:35:17.880 --> 01:35:20.640
if we wanna exchange phone numbers, great.

1919
01:35:20.640 --> 01:35:22.160
If you're not ready for that,

1920
01:35:22.160 --> 01:35:24.400
you just get back to me when you are.

1921
01:35:24.400 --> 01:35:27.600
As far as after that, I'm just gonna wish you well.

1922
01:35:27.600 --> 01:35:29.480
And you just stop texting.

1923
01:35:30.080 --> 01:35:30.960
That's what you do.

1924
01:35:30.960 --> 01:35:33.160
You just have to be willing to stop texting.

1925
01:35:34.800 --> 01:35:36.200
Let's say I'm looking at the time,

1926
01:35:36.200 --> 01:35:38.100
so I'm gonna take the last three people here.

1927
01:35:38.100 --> 01:35:43.100
I've got Carla, Alexa, and Giselle?

1928
01:35:43.600 --> 01:35:44.440
Giseline?

1929
01:35:44.440 --> 01:35:45.280
Giseline?

1930
01:35:45.280 --> 01:35:46.240
Dang it, okay.

1931
01:35:46.240 --> 01:35:48.480
My vision is, somebody asked me tonight,

1932
01:35:48.480 --> 01:35:49.400
somebody was worried about me.

1933
01:35:49.400 --> 01:35:52.360
I have no makeup on and I'm exhausted.

1934
01:35:52.360 --> 01:35:53.480
And I don't know if I told you all this,

1935
01:35:53.480 --> 01:35:55.440
but I've had eight eye surgeries as a kid

1936
01:35:55.440 --> 01:35:58.820
and I only use one eye, so I use my left eye.

1937
01:35:59.700 --> 01:36:03.620
And when I'm super tired, my right eye just shuts.

1938
01:36:03.620 --> 01:36:06.620
It just stops even trying to see.

1939
01:36:06.620 --> 01:36:07.780
So I apologize.

1940
01:36:07.780 --> 01:36:10.300
I look really bad tonight.

1941
01:36:11.660 --> 01:36:13.260
Carla, you are up.

1942
01:36:14.980 --> 01:36:16.540
Right, thanks, Renee.

1943
01:36:16.540 --> 01:36:19.020
I posted in the Facebook page,

1944
01:36:20.460 --> 01:36:21.500
oh my gosh, I'm gonna cry.

1945
01:36:21.500 --> 01:36:23.660
So I went on a date on Friday night

1946
01:36:23.660 --> 01:36:26.380
and the guy asked me if I had kids.

1947
01:36:26.380 --> 01:36:29.940
So I'm 43 and I said, I was like, no.

1948
01:36:29.940 --> 01:36:34.260
And his reaction was like, oh, surprised.

1949
01:36:34.260 --> 01:36:36.060
Anyway, so totally triggered me.

1950
01:36:36.900 --> 01:36:38.260
So I've been in this,

1951
01:36:39.380 --> 01:36:42.540
I mean, I know it's still possible for me to have kids,

1952
01:36:42.540 --> 01:36:45.460
but I'm just in this deep grief

1953
01:36:46.380 --> 01:36:49.500
and I don't know how to keep dating.

1954
01:36:49.500 --> 01:36:51.300
I just don't really know what to do.

1955
01:36:53.340 --> 01:36:56.180
I also feel really sensitive about it now.

1956
01:36:56.940 --> 01:36:57.780
And that men are gonna think

1957
01:36:57.780 --> 01:37:01.220
that I'm like desperate to have kids.

1958
01:37:01.220 --> 01:37:05.460
So anyway, sorry, I wasn't gonna cry, but.

1959
01:37:05.460 --> 01:37:07.340
It's okay, it's okay.

1960
01:37:07.340 --> 01:37:09.100
All right, so you know what I'm gonna do for you?

1961
01:37:09.100 --> 01:37:10.900
And I'm gonna do this for any woman

1962
01:37:10.900 --> 01:37:13.180
who is worried about that,

1963
01:37:13.180 --> 01:37:14.660
who's worried about their age,

1964
01:37:14.660 --> 01:37:16.380
that it's too late to have kids.

1965
01:37:16.380 --> 01:37:17.780
I'm just gonna pray for you.

1966
01:37:18.780 --> 01:37:20.580
Father God, I just lift up Carla to you

1967
01:37:20.580 --> 01:37:22.940
and I lift up to any woman that's on this call

1968
01:37:22.940 --> 01:37:25.020
or watching this in replay,

1969
01:37:25.020 --> 01:37:26.660
that they've hit an age

1970
01:37:26.660 --> 01:37:28.340
where they're not sure if biologically

1971
01:37:28.340 --> 01:37:29.900
they're gonna be able to have children.

1972
01:37:29.900 --> 01:37:32.820
Father God, and just the sadness and the grief

1973
01:37:32.820 --> 01:37:35.180
that goes with that, the insecurity.

1974
01:37:35.180 --> 01:37:36.860
Father God, the sense of judgment

1975
01:37:36.860 --> 01:37:38.180
that may come from other people.

1976
01:37:38.180 --> 01:37:41.260
Father God, I just picture each woman

1977
01:37:41.260 --> 01:37:44.420
holding all of those feelings in a basket,

1978
01:37:44.420 --> 01:37:47.580
all that sadness and all that grief,

1979
01:37:47.580 --> 01:37:50.420
the guilt, the shame, the heaviness,

1980
01:37:50.420 --> 01:37:52.420
and that basket of all those feelings.

1981
01:37:52.860 --> 01:37:55.340
Father God, we lay them at your feet.

1982
01:37:55.340 --> 01:37:57.540
You died on the cross, even for that stuff.

1983
01:37:57.540 --> 01:38:00.660
You didn't just die on the cross for sin,

1984
01:38:00.660 --> 01:38:03.580
but you died on the cross for the brokenness of humanity

1985
01:38:03.580 --> 01:38:05.580
and all that goes with that,

1986
01:38:05.580 --> 01:38:07.980
and all that grief and sadness and plans

1987
01:38:07.980 --> 01:38:08.820
that didn't happen.

1988
01:38:08.820 --> 01:38:11.100
Father God, that's just in that mix to that.

1989
01:38:11.100 --> 01:38:12.460
And we give them to you.

1990
01:38:12.460 --> 01:38:15.020
We don't wanna hang on to that

1991
01:38:15.020 --> 01:38:16.540
because it's not serving us

1992
01:38:16.540 --> 01:38:18.300
and it's just weighing us down.

1993
01:38:18.300 --> 01:38:20.380
And instead, like I want you guys

1994
01:38:20.420 --> 01:38:24.060
to picture a different basket at the feet of Jesus.

1995
01:38:24.060 --> 01:38:27.780
And this basket is holding up words like love

1996
01:38:27.780 --> 01:38:31.860
and redemption and restitution and restoration

1997
01:38:31.860 --> 01:38:36.860
and belief and desire and excellence and supernatural.

1998
01:38:37.740 --> 01:38:39.540
Those are just the words that are coming to me.

1999
01:38:39.540 --> 01:38:41.220
So Carla, those are the words

2000
01:38:41.220 --> 01:38:43.540
that God wants you to pick back up.

2001
01:38:43.540 --> 01:38:46.460
He is the Prince of Peace.

2002
01:38:46.460 --> 01:38:50.100
He can give you the peace that surpasses all understanding.

2003
01:38:50.820 --> 01:38:52.820
And so I don't know how you guys

2004
01:38:52.820 --> 01:38:54.500
are gonna find your person.

2005
01:38:54.500 --> 01:38:56.980
I don't know what you're gonna have to sacrifice

2006
01:38:56.980 --> 01:38:58.200
and give up to do it.

2007
01:38:58.200 --> 01:39:00.060
I don't know what you're gonna have to change

2008
01:39:00.060 --> 01:39:01.540
in your viewpoint to do it.

2009
01:39:01.540 --> 01:39:03.420
But I believe if you're hearing this call

2010
01:39:03.420 --> 01:39:05.140
and you're obedient to God,

2011
01:39:05.140 --> 01:39:08.220
I just believe that God wants to delight you

2012
01:39:08.220 --> 01:39:10.500
and give you the desires of your heart

2013
01:39:10.500 --> 01:39:13.940
in ways that you never even saw coming,

2014
01:39:13.940 --> 01:39:17.140
in ways that are just gonna be better than.

2015
01:39:17.140 --> 01:39:19.140
And so Carla, I don't know what motherhood

2016
01:39:19.180 --> 01:39:20.940
is gonna look like for you,

2017
01:39:20.940 --> 01:39:23.980
but I know you will say,

2018
01:39:23.980 --> 01:39:27.380
oh, this is so good.

2019
01:39:27.380 --> 01:39:28.740
This is so good.

2020
01:39:28.740 --> 01:39:30.740
And you guys, and I firmly believe too

2021
01:39:30.740 --> 01:39:33.380
that any man that is gonna choose us

2022
01:39:33.380 --> 01:39:35.560
is gonna delight in all of us.

2023
01:39:35.560 --> 01:39:38.460
And he is not gonna see us as less than,

2024
01:39:38.460 --> 01:39:43.460
as used up, washed up, too old, too anything.

2025
01:39:43.500 --> 01:39:46.340
He is gonna see us as the chosen person

2026
01:39:46.340 --> 01:39:48.540
that God has for him.

2027
01:39:49.060 --> 01:39:53.260
And Carla, you are gonna be perfect for your guy.

2028
01:39:53.260 --> 01:39:54.100
And so Father God,

2029
01:39:54.100 --> 01:39:57.740
I just ask that you just restore hope right now,

2030
01:39:57.740 --> 01:39:59.260
that you restore.

2031
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:03.000
happiness and joy in Jesus name, amen.

2032
01:40:04.280 --> 01:40:07.360
All right, Carl, I hope that you get that, sweetie.

2033
01:40:07.360 --> 01:40:08.880
Alexa, you're up.

2034
01:40:10.200 --> 01:40:14.340
Hi, so yeah, I'm new and like jumping back

2035
01:40:14.340 --> 01:40:15.960
into this dating stuff.

2036
01:40:15.960 --> 01:40:19.880
And originally like I would be in relationships

2037
01:40:19.880 --> 01:40:21.760
with people that I knew or like introduced me

2038
01:40:21.760 --> 01:40:23.600
through a friend, stuff like that.

2039
01:40:23.600 --> 01:40:25.840
And so this whole like online dating thing

2040
01:40:25.840 --> 01:40:27.960
was like a wild card for me.

2041
01:40:27.960 --> 01:40:29.340
I'm like, what the heck?

2042
01:40:29.340 --> 01:40:32.820
Like people in my DMs like sexy as hell.

2043
01:40:32.820 --> 01:40:34.260
I'm like, who even are you?

2044
01:40:34.260 --> 01:40:35.740
Like, are you gonna introduce yourself?

2045
01:40:35.740 --> 01:40:37.700
Or like, are you just gonna throw comments at me?

2046
01:40:37.700 --> 01:40:38.940
Like, this is weird.

2047
01:40:38.940 --> 01:40:41.820
So I'm like, I just, I don't fully like know

2048
01:40:41.820 --> 01:40:43.900
how to grasp the whole thing yet.

2049
01:40:43.900 --> 01:40:48.900
So I did meet someone on Upword and we had a phone call.

2050
01:40:49.220 --> 01:40:52.740
But after the phone call, we found out some things

2051
01:40:52.740 --> 01:40:54.820
about each other that just didn't line up.

2052
01:40:54.820 --> 01:40:57.900
Like he didn't wanna be with someone that had kids.

2053
01:40:57.900 --> 01:41:01.820
Like I ended up telling him that on the phone call

2054
01:41:01.820 --> 01:41:03.480
that I want three more kids.

2055
01:41:03.480 --> 01:41:07.220
And he said, oh, children, so you have a child.

2056
01:41:07.220 --> 01:41:09.020
And I'm like, yeah, I do.

2057
01:41:09.020 --> 01:41:13.180
And I just, I guess we went into the conversation

2058
01:41:13.180 --> 01:41:15.060
just so detailed.

2059
01:41:15.060 --> 01:41:18.900
Like he was asking me like 25 questions.

2060
01:41:18.900 --> 01:41:21.120
I was just not prepared for this.

2061
01:41:21.120 --> 01:41:22.840
I don't think I was at all.

2062
01:41:22.840 --> 01:41:26.180
And then he starts getting into the whole like thing.

2063
01:41:26.180 --> 01:41:29.980
Like Carla, I can like, I understand like

2064
01:41:29.980 --> 01:41:31.460
what you're kind of talking about.

2065
01:41:31.460 --> 01:41:33.340
Cause he was like, he was like, you know,

2066
01:41:33.340 --> 01:41:34.740
I told him like, I want a big family.

2067
01:41:34.740 --> 01:41:36.340
He's like, well, do you know what a man

2068
01:41:36.340 --> 01:41:38.260
who wants big family wants?

2069
01:41:38.260 --> 01:41:40.260
Someone who's very fertile.

2070
01:41:40.260 --> 01:41:43.020
And I'm like, okay, I think I gotta go.

2071
01:41:43.020 --> 01:41:45.100
Like, I just, I don't know what to say.

2072
01:41:45.100 --> 01:41:48.980
It was just like an awkward, weird, like situation.

2073
01:41:48.980 --> 01:41:51.140
And it just ended up really bad.

2074
01:41:51.140 --> 01:41:53.940
Let me encourage you and anybody, you guys,

2075
01:41:53.940 --> 01:41:56.500
if a man is getting sexual immediately,

2076
01:41:57.420 --> 01:42:00.140
don't even waste your time schooling him.

2077
01:42:00.140 --> 01:42:02.140
Like don't even waste your time saying like,

2078
01:42:02.140 --> 01:42:04.420
oh my gosh, that's so inappropriate.

2079
01:42:04.420 --> 01:42:07.340
Like, you know, we're just not far enough along to just say,

2080
01:42:07.340 --> 01:42:10.260
you know what, that's really inappropriate conversation.

2081
01:42:10.260 --> 01:42:12.460
I'm getting into the conversation now.

2082
01:42:12.460 --> 01:42:14.160
And you just stop.

2083
01:42:14.160 --> 01:42:18.020
So now Alexa, I can't even see you full body,

2084
01:42:18.020 --> 01:42:22.020
but I get a lot of really good energy from you.

2085
01:42:22.020 --> 01:42:24.900
But like, I get va-va-voom from you too.

2086
01:42:24.900 --> 01:42:26.140
I'm not trying to be this on you.

2087
01:42:26.140 --> 01:42:27.580
Cause you're just, you're just pretty.

2088
01:42:27.580 --> 01:42:29.620
You got a pretty sexy vibe.

2089
01:42:29.620 --> 01:42:33.820
So you're gonna have to work really hard and it's not fair.

2090
01:42:33.820 --> 01:42:34.940
Like I have big boobs.

2091
01:42:34.940 --> 01:42:37.200
I have to wear camisoles, you guys, right?

2092
01:42:37.200 --> 01:42:40.120
So if you're an A cup, you can wear things I can't wear.

2093
01:42:40.120 --> 01:42:43.460
So I've got to make sure that I dress in a way

2094
01:42:43.460 --> 01:42:45.980
that doesn't come off too sexual.

2095
01:42:45.980 --> 01:42:48.700
And so Alexa, I don't know what your profile photo

2096
01:42:48.700 --> 01:42:51.260
looks like, what your dating profile looks like.

2097
01:42:51.260 --> 01:42:52.660
You're just gonna want to make sure,

2098
01:42:52.660 --> 01:42:57.400
am I presenting a persona on social media

2099
01:42:57.400 --> 01:42:59.580
that's gonna attract a masculine,

2100
01:42:59.580 --> 01:43:04.260
mature marriage minded man, or am I looking hot

2101
01:43:04.260 --> 01:43:07.340
and I'm potentially gonna have to rein in

2102
01:43:07.340 --> 01:43:10.560
and deal with men that are gonna come off too sexual for me?

2103
01:43:10.560 --> 01:43:12.540
So that I don't, I don't know.

2104
01:43:12.540 --> 01:43:13.820
I'm not, I'm not saying that.

2105
01:43:13.820 --> 01:43:15.620
I'm just saying you have really,

2106
01:43:15.620 --> 01:43:18.340
and some people just have more sexual energy

2107
01:43:18.340 --> 01:43:19.580
than other people.

2108
01:43:19.580 --> 01:43:21.860
And you just kind of present really pretty

2109
01:43:21.860 --> 01:43:22.700
and really beautiful.

2110
01:43:22.700 --> 01:43:24.260
So you may have to rein that in,

2111
01:43:24.260 --> 01:43:26.580
which is why he was even surprised that you had a kid

2112
01:43:26.580 --> 01:43:27.660
or that you want kids.

2113
01:43:27.660 --> 01:43:28.500
Like, do you know what I'm saying?

2114
01:43:28.500 --> 01:43:31.260
Like that threw off his whole game

2115
01:43:31.260 --> 01:43:33.100
because he was not picturing that

2116
01:43:33.100 --> 01:43:35.200
when he was like looking at you.

2117
01:43:35.200 --> 01:43:37.540
And so you may want to rein that in

2118
01:43:37.540 --> 01:43:40.060
and just dabble in the dating stuff.

2119
01:43:40.060 --> 01:43:42.660
And you guys just be honest and clear

2120
01:43:42.660 --> 01:43:44.380
about your intentions right up front.

2121
01:43:44.380 --> 01:43:45.980
Like, hey, I'm just, you know,

2122
01:43:45.980 --> 01:43:48.700
I'm only using social media and online dating

2123
01:43:48.740 --> 01:43:50.700
to meet people in real life.

2124
01:43:50.700 --> 01:43:52.420
I have zero desire for this

2125
01:43:52.420 --> 01:43:54.820
to be an ongoing way we're communicating.

2126
01:43:54.820 --> 01:43:58.100
I don't text, I don't DM.

2127
01:43:58.100 --> 01:44:01.980
Like I am looking to see people on a real date.

2128
01:44:02.860 --> 01:44:04.820
So you're wasting your time

2129
01:44:04.820 --> 01:44:07.500
if you're just gonna like slip me some kind of conversation

2130
01:44:07.500 --> 01:44:08.620
and slip in my DMs.

2131
01:44:08.620 --> 01:44:10.980
So I don't know if that even,

2132
01:44:10.980 --> 01:44:12.340
so I'm just gonna encourage you

2133
01:44:12.340 --> 01:44:14.640
that you don't need to over-explain yourself.

2134
01:44:15.860 --> 01:44:17.800
And kind of like what I was telling somebody else,

2135
01:44:17.800 --> 01:44:22.440
like Audra, if they're getting sexual in any sort of way,

2136
01:44:22.440 --> 01:44:24.040
oh, I was just kidding.

2137
01:44:24.040 --> 01:44:25.840
They're never just kidding you guys.

2138
01:44:25.840 --> 01:44:26.880
Oh, I was just kidding.

2139
01:44:26.880 --> 01:44:28.960
No, no, you weren't.

2140
01:44:28.960 --> 01:44:30.440
No, you weren't.

2141
01:44:30.440 --> 01:44:31.720
But did you have another question?

2142
01:44:31.720 --> 01:44:33.280
I didn't mean to interrupt you.

2143
01:44:34.320 --> 01:44:36.360
No, that's it, thank you.

2144
01:44:36.360 --> 01:44:37.200
You bet, sweetie.

2145
01:44:37.200 --> 01:44:39.400
And I'm not saying this to diss on you at all.

2146
01:44:39.400 --> 01:44:41.680
Please don't take this, like you're beautiful.

2147
01:44:41.680 --> 01:44:44.640
So please like, you're almost so beautiful

2148
01:44:44.640 --> 01:44:46.600
you gotta like manage the beauty.

2149
01:44:46.600 --> 01:44:47.640
Do you know what I'm saying?

2150
01:44:48.480 --> 01:44:50.320
Like you've gotta like just manage it

2151
01:44:50.320 --> 01:44:52.680
and you're gonna have to,

2152
01:44:52.680 --> 01:44:55.000
and it's a bummer for you

2153
01:44:55.000 --> 01:45:00.000
that you're gonna have to ward off more inappropriate stuff.

2154
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:01.000
I had a big butt.

2155
01:45:01.000 --> 01:45:04.140
There are certain populations of my big boobs and big butt like get me more attention than

2156
01:45:04.140 --> 01:45:05.140
I want.

2157
01:45:05.140 --> 01:45:11.460
And so I just have to get up, you know, kind of zip, zip it away.

2158
01:45:11.460 --> 01:45:16.100
And so I have to, and it's, it's interesting and this isn't just for you, but you guys

2159
01:45:16.100 --> 01:45:18.680
pay attention to the energy we're giving off.

2160
01:45:18.680 --> 01:45:23.380
The worst thing I heard in my twenties, I was so offended, so offended.

2161
01:45:23.380 --> 01:45:26.980
But somebody said to me, and actually a man said that both a woman said this to me and

2162
01:45:26.980 --> 01:45:33.140
a man said it to me, Renee, you do this, you reel people in and you push them away.

2163
01:45:33.140 --> 01:45:39.440
So you're just enough flirty to reel people in, but you're conservative.

2164
01:45:39.440 --> 01:45:42.760
So then you push them away when they say something inappropriate.

2165
01:45:42.760 --> 01:45:47.240
And so I had to own, what is it that I was doing that was drawing that kind of energy

2166
01:45:47.240 --> 01:45:48.240
in?

2167
01:45:48.240 --> 01:45:51.400
Um, so just, just be thinking about it.

2168
01:45:51.400 --> 01:45:55.560
Gazine, you're up girl, smiley face.

2169
01:45:56.220 --> 01:45:57.220
Okay.

2170
01:45:57.220 --> 01:45:59.820
So I'm going to keep it short cause I know you're tired.

2171
01:45:59.820 --> 01:46:07.020
So I am going on date number three in person, date number four in total.

2172
01:46:07.020 --> 01:46:11.920
Um, with the guy that I told you guys about last week and tomorrow we're supposed to be

2173
01:46:11.920 --> 01:46:15.580
going on our fourth date and it's his birthday.

2174
01:46:15.580 --> 01:46:21.980
So we had agreed to go to the spa, which I said, you know, which I plan on paying for,

2175
01:46:21.980 --> 01:46:25.460
but I'm wondering how much would be too much?

2176
01:46:26.360 --> 01:46:31.360
Like I wanted to get him a card and, um, a gift card, um, to his favorite restaurant

2177
01:46:31.360 --> 01:46:36.840
and I wanted to, um, get him a cake, but I'm just like, I don't want to do too much at

2178
01:46:36.840 --> 01:46:37.900
the same time.

2179
01:46:37.900 --> 01:46:41.200
So what do you think might be the limit on how much I spend?

2180
01:46:41.200 --> 01:46:42.760
And then we wanted to go to dinner.

2181
01:46:42.760 --> 01:46:44.360
I'm like, I don't want to pay for dinner.

2182
01:46:44.360 --> 01:46:47.760
How do I, how do I tell him I don't want to pay for dinner?

2183
01:46:47.760 --> 01:46:50.120
Wait, is it, is it, did you say it was his birthday?

2184
01:46:50.120 --> 01:46:51.120
Yeah.

2185
01:46:51.120 --> 01:46:52.120
It's his birthday.

2186
01:46:52.120 --> 01:46:53.320
And how many dates have you been on?

2187
01:46:53.320 --> 01:46:54.720
This is date number four.

2188
01:46:54.980 --> 01:46:55.980
Oh, okay.

2189
01:46:55.980 --> 01:46:56.980
Okay.

2190
01:46:56.980 --> 01:46:59.940
And have you, did you say, I want to take you out to dinner, like, or what have you

2191
01:46:59.940 --> 01:47:00.940
planned so far?

2192
01:47:00.940 --> 01:47:01.940
What did you know?

2193
01:47:01.940 --> 01:47:05.140
So the plan was to go to the spa, which is 40 bucks.

2194
01:47:05.140 --> 01:47:06.140
Yeah.

2195
01:47:06.140 --> 01:47:07.140
Oh, okay.

2196
01:47:07.140 --> 01:47:08.140
You, you're good.

2197
01:47:08.140 --> 01:47:10.280
You need to be done at the spa.

2198
01:47:10.280 --> 01:47:11.280
That's already nice.

2199
01:47:11.280 --> 01:47:13.780
I mean, that's a very nice fourth date.

2200
01:47:13.780 --> 01:47:14.780
Um, yes.

2201
01:47:14.780 --> 01:47:21.340
I mean, you can do the spa and you could get like a funny card.

2202
01:47:21.340 --> 01:47:23.060
Try to get a funny card.

2203
01:47:23.060 --> 01:47:24.060
Okay.

2204
01:47:24.400 --> 01:47:26.520
Funny card in the spa.

2205
01:47:26.520 --> 01:47:27.520
That's it.

2206
01:47:27.520 --> 01:47:28.520
That's cute.

2207
01:47:28.520 --> 01:47:31.440
And that's good enough because yeah, yeah, that, that was very nice of you to even do

2208
01:47:31.440 --> 01:47:32.440
that.

2209
01:47:32.440 --> 01:47:33.440
But what do you do?

2210
01:47:33.440 --> 01:47:35.040
What are you guys getting done?

2211
01:47:35.040 --> 01:47:37.480
So it's like, um, it's a Korean spa.

2212
01:47:37.480 --> 01:47:42.480
So it's like, um, there's saunas everywhere, hangout spots, just kind of lounging kind

2213
01:47:42.480 --> 01:47:43.480
of thing.

2214
01:47:43.480 --> 01:47:44.480
Cool.

2215
01:47:44.480 --> 01:47:45.480
I love it.

2216
01:47:45.480 --> 01:47:46.480
That's really fun.

2217
01:47:46.480 --> 01:47:47.480
That was very nice of you.

2218
01:47:47.480 --> 01:47:48.480
Good job.

2219
01:47:48.480 --> 01:47:49.480
Yeah.

2220
01:47:49.480 --> 01:47:52.440
I wouldn't do anything else besides that because if it's, I mean, if he's a gentleman too,

2221
01:47:52.440 --> 01:47:57.300
you might say, Hey, and let him, if he says, Hey, let's go get dinner.

2222
01:47:57.300 --> 01:48:02.140
And he wants to pay, let him, okay.

2223
01:48:02.140 --> 01:48:03.140
That's my advice.

2224
01:48:03.140 --> 01:48:04.140
Let him if he wants to.

2225
01:48:04.140 --> 01:48:05.140
Okay.

2226
01:48:05.140 --> 01:48:06.140
Perfect.

2227
01:48:06.140 --> 01:48:07.140
Thank you.

2228
01:48:07.140 --> 01:48:08.140
You bet.

2229
01:48:08.140 --> 01:48:09.140
All right.

2230
01:48:09.140 --> 01:48:10.140
Let's see.

2231
01:48:10.140 --> 01:48:11.140
Um, okay.

2232
01:48:11.140 --> 01:48:12.140
Y'all let me explain.

2233
01:48:12.140 --> 01:48:15.140
We have too many levels, paths, phases.

2234
01:48:15.140 --> 01:48:16.140
Okay.

2235
01:48:16.140 --> 01:48:19.700
So this program is in phase one, two, and three.

2236
01:48:19.700 --> 01:48:20.700
You're in phase two.

2237
01:48:21.000 --> 01:48:22.000
Lovester.

2238
01:48:22.000 --> 01:48:24.120
I mean, HeartWork is phase one.

2239
01:48:24.120 --> 01:48:25.840
Phase two is Lovester Accelerator.

2240
01:48:25.840 --> 01:48:28.280
Phase three is just everybody.

2241
01:48:28.280 --> 01:48:30.000
It's the whole community.

2242
01:48:30.000 --> 01:48:36.680
Um, the levels is for dating level one, two, three, four, and five.

2243
01:48:36.680 --> 01:48:42.180
When you go to phase three, it does not matter what dating level you're at.

2244
01:48:42.180 --> 01:48:45.660
People in phase three are at all different places.

2245
01:48:45.660 --> 01:48:47.560
Sometimes they're in a serious relationship.

2246
01:48:47.560 --> 01:48:49.520
Sometimes they're not dating anybody.

2247
01:48:49.520 --> 01:48:52.140
Sometimes they're, they're just starting to date.

2248
01:48:52.140 --> 01:48:55.620
Sometimes they just broke up with somebody and they're taking time off.

2249
01:48:55.620 --> 01:49:00.540
Sometimes they've just lost their job or their, their mother just died and they're not dating

2250
01:49:00.540 --> 01:49:03.380
at all because they just need to heal from the grief that they're in.

2251
01:49:03.380 --> 01:49:07.860
So once you go to phase three, you're going to be with people at all different levels

2252
01:49:07.860 --> 01:49:09.740
of dating.

2253
01:49:09.740 --> 01:49:14.860
Then Jackie created this thing called path and we were trying to teach in path.

2254
01:49:14.860 --> 01:49:18.960
Like if you're in path one, you're going to, you're going to go to teachings focused

2255
01:49:18.960 --> 01:49:19.960
on God.

2256
01:49:19.960 --> 01:49:22.400
Path two, it was focused on youth.

2257
01:49:22.400 --> 01:49:25.560
Path three was focused on others.

2258
01:49:25.560 --> 01:49:29.760
And once we kind of did that for a bit, we were going to change up what that meant and

2259
01:49:29.760 --> 01:49:35.140
we were going to do breakout teachings based on whether you were dating somebody seriously,

2260
01:49:35.140 --> 01:49:37.640
just starting to date or not dating at all.

2261
01:49:37.640 --> 01:49:41.320
But more recently, Jackie has been keeping everybody together.

2262
01:49:41.340 --> 01:49:45.860
So when you get to phase three, we're not doing breakout teachings right now.

2263
01:49:45.860 --> 01:49:48.100
Pretty much the group is staying together.

2264
01:49:48.100 --> 01:49:54.340
So hopefully I have explained the difference between phases, levels, and paths, and let's

2265
01:49:54.340 --> 01:49:57.320
make it any more confusing for you.

2266
01:49:57.320 --> 01:49:59.740
Is there an option to sign up for individual coaching?

2267
01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:07.840
for an additional cost. Right now, I am the only one doing one-on-one coaching. Jackie is doing

2268
01:50:07.840 --> 01:50:15.040
some very, very limited. So if you want to do one-on-one coaching, the request comes into

2269
01:50:15.040 --> 01:50:21.520
admin at JackieDurham.com. I send it to Reagan. Reagan discusses it with Jackie on a very limited

2270
01:50:21.520 --> 01:50:26.160
basis. Jackie is doing it depending on if she thinks there's a need or it's coming back my way

2271
01:50:27.040 --> 01:50:33.520
for dating coaching. Bethany was doing one-on-one heartwork coaching, but she's doing so much right

2272
01:50:33.520 --> 01:50:38.880
now that we have pressed pause on her doing one-on-one coaching. And I know we're probably

2273
01:50:38.880 --> 01:50:43.680
going to be bringing on other one-on-one coaches, and it is an extra fee for that.

2274
01:50:44.480 --> 01:50:51.520
Okay, let's see. I want to make sure I got to everybody.

2275
01:50:56.640 --> 01:51:00.080
Okay, I think we got, did I get to all the questions? I think so. I forgot to ask,

2276
01:51:00.080 --> 01:51:04.880
I'm curious about the online dating, but is it safe to say that it's better to first work on the

2277
01:51:04.880 --> 01:51:12.400
anxious? Rachel, that's a good question. I think you can try online dating and deal with your

2278
01:51:12.400 --> 01:51:16.160
anxious attachment all at the same time. You know how Jackie always says the phrase,

2279
01:51:16.160 --> 01:51:21.440
hurt in relationship, healed in relationship. There's only so much you guys can get healing on,

2280
01:51:21.440 --> 01:51:28.720
not dating. Some of the stuff that Rick and I are healing on, I thought I was perfectly healed

2281
01:51:28.720 --> 01:51:32.160
because I've been in this program. I've done therapy for years. What else did I need to get

2282
01:51:32.160 --> 01:51:37.520
healed on? But there's only so much healing you can do single. Some of it, you just have to practice

2283
01:51:37.520 --> 01:51:45.600
with the other person. So it's almost impossible to heal from your anxious attachment, not dating.

2284
01:51:46.160 --> 01:51:51.680
You can watch the videos, but you're going to practice having that conversation and just start

2285
01:51:51.680 --> 01:51:57.520
talking to people at level two. How you're going to protect yourself is not jumping to level three,

2286
01:51:57.520 --> 01:52:04.720
serious relationship. So practicing level two dating, where it's just discovery dating,

2287
01:52:04.720 --> 01:52:10.400
is what's going to help teach you how to not be anxious. So unfortunately,

2288
01:52:10.400 --> 01:52:16.560
you don't just get healed from your attachment styles by osmosis. You actually have to exercise

2289
01:52:17.280 --> 01:52:23.280
that muscle. So I'm glad that you asked. All right, I'm going to close this out in prayer

2290
01:52:23.280 --> 01:52:28.160
because I'm tired. Father God, thank you so much for this evening. Thank you so much for these

2291
01:52:28.160 --> 01:52:33.200
brave, brave ladies who come and share of themselves. They're willing to kind of go in

2292
01:52:33.200 --> 01:52:37.760
the hot seat and bring their story in front of other people. Father God, we just ask that you

2293
01:52:37.760 --> 01:52:42.640
bless each person here, the ones that spoke up and the ones that didn't speak up, knowing that

2294
01:52:42.640 --> 01:52:47.360
each person here had something heavy on their heart. And Father God, you saw it, even if I

2295
01:52:47.360 --> 01:52:52.320
didn't see it. And may you minister to them while they sleep tonight. And we just lift all of this

2296
01:52:52.320 --> 01:52:57.280
up in the mighty precious name of Jesus. Amen. All right, you guys, I had fun. Tuesday nights,

2297
01:52:57.280 --> 01:52:59.040
it's my most fun thing to get to do all week.