WEBVTT

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Welcome back to the outnumber podcast with Joey and Allie where we talk about our life our life with kids our jobs our

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careers our family

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Relationships how we went from dating in high school to being outnumbered by our children talk about all that and much more

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This is episode number four and today we're talking about five things that we wish we would have known before we had kids

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Yeah, so I get vice for

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First-time parents, let's do it

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So

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I remember when we were when you were pregnant with miles and

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There's one piece of advice

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That we got a lot. I feel like it probably wasn't the only piece of advice

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But it feels like it was the only piece of advice looking back

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Yeah, which was it was like some form of oh sleep all you can. Yes the ominous warning

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That you'll never sleep again. Yeah, once you have a baby like over and over over so I felt like I I don't know

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I remember being frustrated

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By it. Um, yeah, because I remember thinking like isn't this supposed to be a good thing and you're like, well I was excited

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Yeah, thanks. Well, yeah, I don't know and it's funny

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yeah, because I feel like that was the only thing that people ever wanted to tell you like

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oh, you're having your first and they might have started with like congrats and then it was

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Sleep while you can or the my favorite was store up on sleep while you can like that works

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I don't think that's how I don't think that is how it works

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You can like put it in the sleep bank and then yeah, I don't think so. I don't think so

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So but that yeah, that's what everyone said and I actually remember

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Vividly like and this would have been like six years ago

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But when I was in the air force and international garden

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We had a big weekend drill weekend and we were being inspected by like big pentagon air force

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and so they had a bunch of

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inspectors in our whole unit and then they like a person attached to each one of our

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Shops and so there's this guy who's like following us around all weekend like

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Evaluating us inspecting us. Um, and at the end of the weekend

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Me my supervisor and then this inspector guy. We're just chatting

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We're done with it all and so we were just kind of talking and you're pregnant with miles. And so my supervisor told

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This inspector guy that I was kind of expecting

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normal

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Response from people congrats. You're never gonna sleep again, but he had I nobody else

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He had the most unique and I even know this guy and he was kind of this quiet guy

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He just said he's like that's awesome. You guys are gonna do great people have been having kids for a long time

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And everyone else has figured it out and you'll figure it out. I remember thinking like oh man, that was really cool

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Like it was positive and really relaxed and then I was like that's a great point

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Like people have been having kids for a really long time

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Yeah, and if they can figure it out

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We can figure it out and if they're surviving on little sleep then so can we so I don't know it was nice

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But yeah, well, I feel like it's easy to like especially when you're in the midst of it

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It's easy to feel like the negative parts like outweigh. Oh, yeah

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Totally, but I think too like it's just a reminder to like current parents to like be intentional

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and not share all your

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heavy

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yes, frustrating parenting things because

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With people with people who haven't had kids yet

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Like that's not the place to like vent because I definitely learned from that experience

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And so when I encounter first-time parents, like i'm always super positive. Yeah, that's great. You'll do fine. Yeah, it's awesome

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Yeah, because it's a good thing. We want to encourage people and you know, I firmly believe that as believers

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We should be right having kids and discourage them. All right

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Well, let's get into our we got five things that we wish other than the sleep thing people would have told us

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Before we had kids and so number one, would you want to start with the sleep one?

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Since we're already talking about sleep. Sure. All right. I thought we were already doing number one. Go ahead

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All right. Yes

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Um what the sleep is you say it you have the notes. Well, you you it was your line though

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You said sleep is not linear. Oh linear. Yeah

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I think people just assume like oh are they sleeping through the night like as if you like arrive and then like you're there

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and I just think like

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Someone asked we've never like arrived and then like stayed there. Yeah, like ezra was sleeping through the night

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He slept through the night two times. Uh, I don't know two months in

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Never again. Yeah, didn't someone ask you that at like home depot the other day?

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Yeah, and then they're like, oh my babe. My daughter slept through the night at three weeks old

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and congratulations

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But I also doubt it but no I like so it's not like so

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Yeah, it's never like you get to a point and then they just sleep through the night forever

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Yeah, like think about adults like do you sleep the exact same way every single night, right? Probably not. Yeah

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Like there's a lot of factors. No, we don't there's a lot of factors

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But yeah, I just think like to

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I think it's I don't know. It's almost like shaming and that like if your kid isn't

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Then sleeping through the night by you know, whatever

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And some babies maybe do like start sleeping through the night and it's like consistent, but I just feel like in general

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It's probably not. Yeah, the way I always describe it is like it feels like it's phases or seasons

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Um, and, and what I was telling people, yeah,

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even the good ones are the bad ones. Like just when you think like, Oh,

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my two year old goes to sleep so easily and sleeps all night.

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Then it's like a month later they don't do that anymore. Right.

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And so that's what I said. But what I always say is like,

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it's temporary and they will go back to sleep.

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Yeah. It's just like a constant like this. Yeah.

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And there's times where it's like, man, they're sleeping great.

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Or they're going even like going to sleep easily.

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Like they fall in the sleep right away.

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And now currently we're in a season with our two year old where like he's

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fighting naps and bedtime.

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And before that our now five year old, he was probably four more.

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So at the time we sat in his room every single night.

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But like now he's really easy. He sleeps great and like he'll sleep in if he's

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up late and like he's doing great.

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And then now we're in a rough patch with the two year old.

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But like I was trying to remind myself that's temporary and we'll get back to

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him sleeping well again. So yeah, I think that's good.

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I think it just takes pressure off. Like if I think like, Oh,

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my baby is supposed to be sleeping through the night. Why isn't he like,

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that's just stressful.

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And it's not necessary because every baby's different.

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Like every routine is different. The way that, you know,

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they say like do a bedtime routine, like everybody's is different.

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I just feel like there's so many variables that I don't know,

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play in and there's no reason to like stress or put pressure on yourself.

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Cause just makes it more stressful.

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Exactly. So yeah. On top of,

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I think the better piece of advice to give about sleep is just a reminder that

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there will be, there will be great times where everyone's sleeping awesome.

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And we've got a lot of those.

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And I would say of the five and a half years that we've been parents and had

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kids sleeping in our house, I would say most of the time we sleep pretty good.

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Yeah. Well I would say too,

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like you got to do what works in that in the sleep category. I know,

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but I'll get there. That's the next one.

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Like in the sleep category though, like do what works.

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Don't like feel like you have to do something a certain way because everyone

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else says you have to do it that way. Yeah.

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Like if something works and it works, then do it. You know,

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it doesn't have to look like how everyone else says it needs to look.

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There was a season where we sat in the bedroom with our four year old until he

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fell asleep. Yes. And it was, it was a season.

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And it probably felt really long in the time that we don't do that anymore.

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And now he goes to sleep great on his own and we got past it.

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But in the C in that time it was like, well, if we don't do this,

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it's just going to be a battle.

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And he's going to get out of bed 18 times and we're already frustrated.

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And so, um, yeah. And I don't know that,

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but then everyone will have an opinion about, Oh,

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you should not do that or you should, but it's like, well,

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it's like this is what's going to get him to sleep and

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instincts and do what you think is.

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And cause during that season, the two year old went to bed. Great. Yeah.

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And so like I could just put him in his crib, he'd fall asleep on his own,

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go sit with miles till he fell asleep. And so like that, and now it's reversed.

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And so that's why it's just, that's the perspective thing. I think with that,

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with the sleep advice, it's like, yeah, you know, sometimes it's great.

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Sometimes it's rough, but the rough won't last forever.

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The great won't last forever either, but that's okay.

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You have to be willing to adjust and yeah.

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Yeah. So that's the better piece of advice as opposed to you'll never sleep

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again, which is what we most often heard. Yeah. All right. Good with number one.

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Yeah. All right. So you hit, hit on number two a little bit, but, um,

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I like the way you put it would just do it, do what works best for you.

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Don't feel pressure. Right. Is that what you mean?

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Don't feel the pressure to do things.

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Yeah. There's all these like society pressures where other people, I feel like,

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or, you know, like, Oh, don't do this or do that. Or.

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You can't do this with your kid cause you'll mess them up.

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You'll mess them up. You know, if they nurse to sleep,

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then that's the only way they'll ever be able to sleep. I'm like,

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I don't think one, I don't really think I care because it's easier,

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but two, I don't know. I just don't feel like I'm worried about it.

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Like they're going to turn out, they're going to be okay.

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And I think if then I adopt everybody else's or the other everybody else's

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example you had was like a crying baby. If you want to pick up your cry,

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what did you say? Pick up your crying baby, pick up your crying baby.

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Like I think we have instincts in us that make us feel bad that our baby's

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crying. So like, I think for me, I want to go pick up my baby.

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Like I feel bad if they're crying,

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I'm not going to like sit there and let them cry because I feel bad.

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And obviously that's like a super controversial thing,

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but I'm just saying for me, I don't want it. We tried it and it was awful.

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It was terrible, miserable for like three days. And yeah,

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it worked after three days. Yeah. But then I just felt like,

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even with miles, like we did like a gentle cry it out thing.

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And I think there's so desperate.

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I remember going downstairs and I couldn't. No, it was torture.

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I remember being so irritated. But I think like with that,

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I felt this pressure of like,

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he still wants to nurse all night and he's tired and he wakes up a million times

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a night and doesn't sleep in his crib for naps.

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And so it was like this pressure of like, well, he should be. When in reality,

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he was the only kid like I could.

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done whatever and it didn't really matter.

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I think it was more so for me. I just needed a break. But, uh, I don't know.

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I just think like to do that, we did that. And then it was like, I don't know.

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I just felt then like, I couldn't even go in there. Like if he was like sick,

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I felt like I had to be so careful or I was going to screw it up because that's

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kind of what everyone says. Like if you, you know,

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show him that you're going to pick him up and take him out of this crib when

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he's crying, then he's always going to do that. Like, yeah, but he needs me.

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So like there's a line, but I just think for me,

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it was like I was trying to like almost like please other people,

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which is stupid because it's my kid in my life.

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Yeah. Or I think especially as a first time parent,

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you do hear things like that and you don't know any different because it's your

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first time. And so if you hear an absolute statement like that,

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you can't do this thing or this will happen. Then you're,

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I would say you have a tendency to believe that as a first time parent.

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You're really, you're making it up as you go. You don't know, you know,

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you're figuring it out as you go. And so I think parents who do that,

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you're trying, you just want to do what's best for your kid.

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Like this is what we all want to do. But at the same time, it was like,

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you got to do like what's good for us in some ways, you know, where it's like,

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if nobody's sleeping, then okay,

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we got to figure something else out so that we can all get some sleep.

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Yeah. Well, and there's a level of like,

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like with Ezra our five month old, six month old,

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there are times when he kind of is fussing or protesting in his little bouncer

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chair and I am doing something else and I can't tend to him at the moment,

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but I know he's not like screaming. He's not so upset.

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He's just kind of working through it. So there are times, yeah,

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he'll fall asleep and I let him do that. Sometimes I still feel bad,

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but like he will fall asleep and he'll be fine. But there's a level,

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I think of like, yeah, just at the point where I'm like, okay, they need me.

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So do what works for you. Do some research too.

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And get multiple opinions is what I would say.

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Cause like if you talk to enough moms, you'll find research. Yeah.

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But even if you just talk to people you know,

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you'll find enough moms that did something.

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They'll all have 13 different ways. Yeah. Opinions.

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Sure. But then you can kind of even mold like what you like from each thing into

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your own method. It doesn't have to be like, oh,

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there's a book about this and so I'm going to follow it to a T.

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Like it doesn't have to be that way.

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Yeah, that's good. All right. Less is more. Third piece of advice.

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Yeah. Less is more. You want to talk about that? Yeah. I think, I will.

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I think to start, I'm just thinking like, oh, everyone's always like, oh,

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babies are so expensive. Yeah. Babies are not expensive.

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Babies literally want milk and probably a clean diaper and their mom.

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That's about it.

219
00:12:39.720 --> 00:12:44.000
And like our babies will literally just put them in pajamas.

220
00:12:44.080 --> 00:12:47.400
All the time. Ezra is still only wears pajamas like three days in a row.

221
00:12:47.440 --> 00:12:48.720
I like bought him cute clothes.

222
00:12:48.720 --> 00:12:51.200
Four different pajamas that we cycle through.

223
00:12:51.840 --> 00:12:53.880
I bought him cute clothes and I thought like, oh,

224
00:12:53.880 --> 00:12:56.320
this will be so fun to dress him in. That sounds bad.

225
00:12:56.360 --> 00:12:58.880
He puts probably more than four. He wears clean clothes.

226
00:12:58.880 --> 00:13:00.560
We also do laundry all the time.

227
00:13:01.320 --> 00:13:03.160
But no, I was going to bring that up too.

228
00:13:03.160 --> 00:13:04.880
Cause you do hear that a lot from people.

229
00:13:04.880 --> 00:13:09.880
As if it's the baby's fault. We can't afford a kid. Yeah. But, um, yeah.

230
00:13:09.880 --> 00:13:14.720
I mean, if you're going to buy every fancy baby gadget out there,

231
00:13:14.720 --> 00:13:16.200
then you're right. You can't afford kids,

232
00:13:16.200 --> 00:13:19.880
but you really don't need the most expensive car seat.

233
00:13:19.880 --> 00:13:23.800
You don't need the newest stroller model. Right.

234
00:13:24.240 --> 00:13:26.080
And there are things like, I think we've learned,

235
00:13:26.080 --> 00:13:30.920
like there are things we'd be willing to like more so splurge on than not.

236
00:13:31.040 --> 00:13:32.920
I mean, I think you want to save car seat.

237
00:13:33.080 --> 00:13:37.760
It doesn't have to be like the trendy car seat, but what did you research recently?

238
00:13:37.760 --> 00:13:41.920
Like actually sometimes the trendy, most popular car seats, not the safest.

239
00:13:41.920 --> 00:13:46.440
One of the most trendy ones is currently not real great on the safety list.

240
00:13:46.480 --> 00:13:50.960
So, um, but it's the one like everyone has, it's expensive. It is expensive.

241
00:13:50.960 --> 00:13:53.360
So I think like just doing your research,

242
00:13:53.360 --> 00:13:57.680
but being willing to splurge on certain things. Yeah. Safety's important.

243
00:13:58.120 --> 00:14:01.960
Yeah. Safety obviously is important, but like your kid doesn't need, you know,

244
00:14:01.960 --> 00:14:03.080
super expensive.

245
00:14:03.080 --> 00:14:06.600
I feel like there's certain brands right now for clothes that are like so

246
00:14:06.600 --> 00:14:11.120
expensive and they like one of them. Yes. Um,

247
00:14:11.480 --> 00:14:15.880
I just mean like $40 for a pair of pajamas for a baby, but like it's popular.

248
00:14:15.880 --> 00:14:19.800
Yeah. For a baby. But Ezra had them and cause someone gifted them to us.

249
00:14:19.800 --> 00:14:22.840
And they literally were so pilly and like, well,

250
00:14:22.840 --> 00:14:26.440
and then he is expanding rapidly.

251
00:14:27.040 --> 00:14:30.160
I don't even say growing. He's like expanding. Um,

252
00:14:30.160 --> 00:14:34.800
I think my splurge is like, I would prefer like cotton clothes.

253
00:14:34.800 --> 00:14:37.560
Like I would not that I'm going to spend a ton of money on it.

254
00:14:37.560 --> 00:14:40.960
I honestly thrift like the majority of our kids clothes because they trash them

255
00:14:40.960 --> 00:14:44.200
in like two seconds. But, um,

256
00:14:44.440 --> 00:14:47.520
I think cotton for me is like something I'd be willing to like splurge a little

257
00:14:47.520 --> 00:14:52.080
bit more on versus like, you know, polyester and stuff like a safe car seat.

258
00:14:52.360 --> 00:14:53.680
And then like clean diapers,

259
00:14:53.680 --> 00:14:58.680
like a clean brand without all the extra nasty ingredients.

260
00:14:59.200 --> 00:15:00.040
But.

261
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:02.280
Other than that, which aren't even that much more expensive anymore.

262
00:15:02.280 --> 00:15:06.080
No, I don't feel like they are affordable. Like Walmart has good diaper options.

263
00:15:06.080 --> 00:15:08.360
Yeah. It's usually where I get them. So I don't know.

264
00:15:08.400 --> 00:15:12.240
But I think also with the less is more thing other than money,

265
00:15:12.240 --> 00:15:14.720
like also just your house.

266
00:15:14.720 --> 00:15:16.120
Yes. You don't want your house to be overtaken.

267
00:15:16.120 --> 00:15:19.120
That's something we realized really early on with Miles was like,

268
00:15:19.720 --> 00:15:21.680
there's no room. And we had a small house at the time.

269
00:15:22.800 --> 00:15:25.240
Cause we have three different things to put them in.

270
00:15:25.800 --> 00:15:28.120
We probably don't need that. Especially with one kid,

271
00:15:28.120 --> 00:15:30.680
you can just pop them on the couch before they're rolling.

272
00:15:30.680 --> 00:15:32.280
You can pop them anywhere. They don't move.

273
00:15:32.400 --> 00:15:34.600
Well, I think it's good to, to just like lay your baby on the floor.

274
00:15:34.600 --> 00:15:37.200
Like they think that's good for them. They, I want to say,

275
00:15:37.200 --> 00:15:38.680
they say baby container,

276
00:15:38.680 --> 00:15:42.720
things like that aren't actually super great for development,

277
00:15:42.840 --> 00:15:47.000
but maybe that's just for a mistake of clutter. Like, yeah, for sure.

278
00:15:47.040 --> 00:15:51.320
And you don't need every new baby thing. Right. Yeah.

279
00:15:51.600 --> 00:15:54.600
Well, I think too, like, I think for us,

280
00:15:54.640 --> 00:15:57.880
obviously when you're having your first, like you have no clue what you'll,

281
00:15:57.880 --> 00:16:01.400
you'll use or what you need. So I think like everything on your registry,

282
00:16:01.400 --> 00:16:03.240
cause like you assume that, yeah. Yeah.

283
00:16:03.280 --> 00:16:06.600
Which is hard because obviously if someone's willing to buy it for you and you

284
00:16:06.600 --> 00:16:11.120
think you might use it, like that would be the best advice for parents to know.

285
00:16:11.120 --> 00:16:13.880
Cause you don't know what you think you'll want or need.

286
00:16:13.880 --> 00:16:18.280
And I think like very minimal without all the extra, like,

287
00:16:19.400 --> 00:16:22.360
I'm trying to think of some examples. Like I think a good bouncer,

288
00:16:22.760 --> 00:16:25.760
like the little seat thing that they like lay down and, you know,

289
00:16:26.320 --> 00:16:28.240
I think that's good. Um,

290
00:16:28.800 --> 00:16:32.680
I think I would consider a swing in the future, but other than that,

291
00:16:32.680 --> 00:16:35.880
like a car seat, obviously a high chair eventually,

292
00:16:36.080 --> 00:16:38.720
but eventually like you don't need everything at once,

293
00:16:38.720 --> 00:16:41.560
but if someone's willing to buy it for you, like have them buy it for you,

294
00:16:41.560 --> 00:16:44.320
your kid's not going to be in a high chair for a while,

295
00:16:44.880 --> 00:16:48.200
probably six months ish. So anyway, I don't know.

296
00:16:48.200 --> 00:16:50.720
But really if you think about it, like a car seat,

297
00:16:50.720 --> 00:16:54.880
if you're going to go places obviously, but otherwise like clothes kind of,

298
00:16:54.880 --> 00:16:59.840
they don't really, I mean a blanket would, would work for a while. Um,

299
00:16:59.880 --> 00:17:04.160
diapers, wipes, and then like some sort of food source, like milk.

300
00:17:04.280 --> 00:17:08.960
They need milk. Yes. Um, yeah. So I don't know.

301
00:17:08.960 --> 00:17:12.760
I just feel like kids are not expensive in themselves.

302
00:17:12.800 --> 00:17:16.920
Because it kind of releases a parent from thinking that they have to buy

303
00:17:16.920 --> 00:17:17.240
everything.

304
00:17:17.240 --> 00:17:20.960
Yeah. Your baby's not going to notice or care. That's true.

305
00:17:21.400 --> 00:17:22.240
So yeah.

306
00:17:22.240 --> 00:17:23.400
Put it in their college fund instead.

307
00:17:23.400 --> 00:17:27.560
They have the essentials and they're good. Yeah. Yeah. Um,

308
00:17:27.599 --> 00:17:32.200
so then I like the next one because everything we've talked about so far is

309
00:17:32.480 --> 00:17:37.040
post birth stuff, right? Like parenting or kid advice for when the kids are,

310
00:17:37.400 --> 00:17:41.240
but I've, and that's mostly when you have conversations with people. Um,

311
00:17:41.320 --> 00:17:42.800
like when you're pregnant with your first kid,

312
00:17:42.840 --> 00:17:44.920
I think most of the time that's what people are focused on.

313
00:17:44.920 --> 00:17:47.040
Like, and that makes sense. Haven't been,

314
00:17:47.240 --> 00:17:50.360
but the part that you don't often get advice about probably cause people feel

315
00:17:50.360 --> 00:17:52.400
weird talking about it, but it's birth.

316
00:17:52.560 --> 00:17:55.760
And so I think one thing you would really say is like, man,

317
00:17:55.760 --> 00:17:57.400
when you're pregnant with your first,

318
00:17:57.400 --> 00:18:02.360
like spend time focusing and preparing and researching birth itself.

319
00:18:02.360 --> 00:18:02.680
Right.

320
00:18:02.680 --> 00:18:07.520
It has to start with research. Like I don't, I don't think I had any clue.

321
00:18:08.280 --> 00:18:09.480
What birth would you be like? No.

322
00:18:09.480 --> 00:18:14.040
My midwife said get diapers and I was like, for you, for me.

323
00:18:14.040 --> 00:18:18.400
And I was like, ha funny. She was like, no, I'm serious. Like what?

324
00:18:18.840 --> 00:18:21.640
Like you need to know what to expect so that you can prepare,

325
00:18:21.640 --> 00:18:25.040
but like do some research into like, what is it like? And then like,

326
00:18:25.040 --> 00:18:26.440
what kind of things do you need?

327
00:18:26.440 --> 00:18:30.560
But also just like finding and lining up support,

328
00:18:30.560 --> 00:18:34.440
like whether it be like meals that you prep in the freezer or like,

329
00:18:35.160 --> 00:18:39.320
you know, coordinate with someone to like set you a meal train up or whatever.

330
00:18:39.320 --> 00:18:44.200
I just think like, that's the part that's like super missed and

331
00:18:44.240 --> 00:18:45.800
super necessary.

332
00:18:45.920 --> 00:18:50.000
Yeah. I remember being in our appointments with our midwife.

333
00:18:50.080 --> 00:18:55.080
Our what? Appointments? Appointments with our midwife the first time.

334
00:18:56.640 --> 00:19:01.280
And we would be there for our, and we just had so many questions or she,

335
00:19:01.280 --> 00:19:03.240
we didn't even know what to ask. So she would like,

336
00:19:03.240 --> 00:19:05.320
have you thought about this? And we're like, no.

337
00:19:06.960 --> 00:19:10.200
Cause there's a lot of just like once the baby's born right away,

338
00:19:10.200 --> 00:19:11.520
there's a lot of decisions that you,

339
00:19:11.600 --> 00:19:13.440
like a lot of questions that you have to have answers to.

340
00:19:14.160 --> 00:19:18.720
Do you want the vitamin K shot for your kid? Do you want the eye ointment?

341
00:19:18.760 --> 00:19:21.320
Do you like, if it's a boy, do you want to circumcise?

342
00:19:21.320 --> 00:19:24.640
Like there's a lot of decisions that you have to make in the first couple of

343
00:19:24.640 --> 00:19:27.680
days that you wouldn't think about. Yeah. That's good to have.

344
00:19:27.680 --> 00:19:30.720
Like if you have a prepared answer for that, that's great.

345
00:19:30.720 --> 00:19:33.760
Cause you're not gonna want to have to figure it out with the newborn.

346
00:19:33.800 --> 00:19:35.920
You know, like you want to enjoy those moments.

347
00:19:35.920 --> 00:19:38.400
And so I'm being as prepared as possible.

348
00:19:38.400 --> 00:19:42.520
Like I think it's good to decide what car seat you want to have.

349
00:19:42.520 --> 00:19:46.000
Like that's good too. But also man, it's like before you get to all that,

350
00:19:46.360 --> 00:19:49.360
there's some decisions that you have to make pretty early on with a,

351
00:19:49.400 --> 00:19:52.040
with a baby and you want to be prepared to know.

352
00:19:52.200 --> 00:19:54.320
And that's why I think our experience with our midwife is great.

353
00:19:54.320 --> 00:19:57.160
Cause she asked us those questions beforehand.

354
00:19:57.720 --> 00:19:59.640
So before we were holding the baby, so we could,

355
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:02.960
could decide what we wanted to do, yeah.

356
00:20:02.960 --> 00:20:07.960
I think, too, like food, having food prepared.

357
00:20:08.520 --> 00:20:10.480
Like, that's something you think, like,

358
00:20:10.480 --> 00:20:12.280
I don't know that you would really think about it

359
00:20:12.280 --> 00:20:15.160
until you're, like, hungry after.

360
00:20:16.340 --> 00:20:18.160
But I think having food just coming through,

361
00:20:18.160 --> 00:20:21.900
and ideally, like, nutrient-dense things

362
00:20:21.900 --> 00:20:23.040
that are gonna help you replenish,

363
00:20:23.040 --> 00:20:27.560
like, that is so nice, to have meals.

364
00:20:27.560 --> 00:20:28.640
Even if you don't wanna socialize

365
00:20:28.680 --> 00:20:30.480
and you just ask them to drop it on the porch,

366
00:20:30.480 --> 00:20:34.640
like, for a meal train, like, that, I feel like, is huge.

367
00:20:34.640 --> 00:20:36.280
Oh, yeah, that's necessary. So huge.

368
00:20:36.280 --> 00:20:38.080
And I think, like you said, though,

369
00:20:38.080 --> 00:20:41.040
I think it's okay to be a little specific

370
00:20:41.040 --> 00:20:43.080
about what kind of food you want.

371
00:20:43.080 --> 00:20:44.600
You remember the first time,

372
00:20:44.600 --> 00:20:46.880
I don't think we were necessarily specific,

373
00:20:46.880 --> 00:20:51.200
and someone brought us the biggest lasagna I've ever seen.

374
00:20:51.200 --> 00:20:52.680
It was 15 pounds.

375
00:20:52.680 --> 00:20:55.040
Like, it was, and she was, like, Italian.

376
00:20:55.040 --> 00:20:57.600
It was so good, but I think I put it in the freezer.

377
00:20:57.600 --> 00:20:58.440
Yeah, you did, like, half of it.

378
00:20:58.440 --> 00:20:59.920
I was bringing it to lunch

379
00:20:59.920 --> 00:21:01.720
for, like, the rest of the school year.

380
00:21:01.720 --> 00:21:04.760
But, because it was thick, too.

381
00:21:04.760 --> 00:21:07.200
Yeah, it was, like, 15 pounds, seriously.

382
00:21:07.200 --> 00:21:08.240
Which is great, but it's, like,

383
00:21:08.240 --> 00:21:10.200
I don't wanna eat this forever.

384
00:21:10.200 --> 00:21:11.040
Yeah.

385
00:21:11.040 --> 00:21:12.720
So, like, and I think, well, and talk about that,

386
00:21:12.720 --> 00:21:14.880
because on the postpartum part of things,

387
00:21:14.880 --> 00:21:18.680
like, you've learned recently that there's specific things

388
00:21:18.680 --> 00:21:20.440
that you should and shouldn't be eating

389
00:21:20.440 --> 00:21:21.920
for healing your body, right?

390
00:21:21.920 --> 00:21:24.240
Well, that's something that I feel like nobody talks about.

391
00:21:24.240 --> 00:21:25.080
Talk about it.

392
00:21:25.080 --> 00:21:27.520
Even, no, I'm about to, but even.

393
00:21:28.440 --> 00:21:31.320
Even in, like, the midwife realm,

394
00:21:31.320 --> 00:21:32.800
like, I don't feel like,

395
00:21:32.800 --> 00:21:34.160
I feel like they do a really good job

396
00:21:34.160 --> 00:21:36.440
of, like, instructing you on how to, like, heal

397
00:21:36.440 --> 00:21:37.720
and, like, rest really well,

398
00:21:37.720 --> 00:21:39.680
like, staying in bed for two weeks.

399
00:21:39.680 --> 00:21:40.520
Yeah, what's the rule there?

400
00:21:40.520 --> 00:21:43.960
It's five days in bed, five days on bed,

401
00:21:43.960 --> 00:21:46.120
and five days near your bed.

402
00:21:46.120 --> 00:21:47.880
Right, after birth.

403
00:21:47.880 --> 00:21:50.040
Yeah, because you're just gonna set yourself up

404
00:21:50.040 --> 00:21:51.960
for much better healing, which there's actually,

405
00:21:51.960 --> 00:21:53.280
I don't know if it's statistics or what,

406
00:21:53.280 --> 00:21:54.840
but there's this book that I was reading

407
00:21:54.880 --> 00:21:57.840
that says that if you commit to healing

408
00:21:57.840 --> 00:22:00.800
and nourishing your body for the first 40 days after birth,

409
00:22:00.800 --> 00:22:03.760
like, you're setting up your health and healing

410
00:22:03.760 --> 00:22:05.240
for, like, the rest of your life

411
00:22:05.240 --> 00:22:09.400
if you, like, really nurture yourself in that season.

412
00:22:09.400 --> 00:22:12.000
But it also plays into, like, depression and anxiety,

413
00:22:12.000 --> 00:22:12.840
like, postpartum.

414
00:22:12.840 --> 00:22:13.680
Postpartum, yeah.

415
00:22:13.680 --> 00:22:15.520
If you're intentional right after, you mean?

416
00:22:15.520 --> 00:22:18.880
Yeah, like, really just focus on replenishing, resting.

417
00:22:18.880 --> 00:22:20.200
Like, your body needs rest.

418
00:22:20.200 --> 00:22:21.040
Yeah.

419
00:22:21.040 --> 00:22:22.800
And I remember it being hard with our first,

420
00:22:22.800 --> 00:22:23.840
but then after that, it was like,

421
00:22:23.840 --> 00:22:26.320
please let me stay here for a long time.

422
00:22:26.320 --> 00:22:27.280
I don't wanna get out of bed.

423
00:22:27.280 --> 00:22:31.280
But I don't think you knew that 5-5-5 rule with Miles, right?

424
00:22:31.280 --> 00:22:33.600
I knew I was supposed to stay in bed for, like, two weeks.

425
00:22:33.600 --> 00:22:34.440
Oh, you didn't?

426
00:22:34.440 --> 00:22:37.080
No, I didn't, because I was just antsy.

427
00:22:37.080 --> 00:22:38.360
Versus, like, the second and third,

428
00:22:38.360 --> 00:22:41.240
it was like, I knew there were responsibilities

429
00:22:41.240 --> 00:22:43.280
and people that needed me downstairs.

430
00:22:43.280 --> 00:22:46.400
I think I didn't know that with Miles,

431
00:22:46.400 --> 00:22:47.440
that you were supposed to stay.

432
00:22:47.440 --> 00:22:50.320
And then I did with the second two,

433
00:22:50.320 --> 00:22:52.320
so I would be more intentional about, like,

434
00:22:52.320 --> 00:22:54.560
making you get back in bed.

435
00:22:54.560 --> 00:22:56.880
I mean, especially the most recent one, I was like.

436
00:22:56.880 --> 00:22:58.160
I think I just didn't realize, too,

437
00:22:58.160 --> 00:23:00.200
like, how important it was.

438
00:23:00.200 --> 00:23:01.480
I thought, like, oh, I feel fine.

439
00:23:01.480 --> 00:23:03.120
And it was easier, like, with Miles,

440
00:23:03.120 --> 00:23:04.320
was born in our first house,

441
00:23:04.320 --> 00:23:07.200
and our bedroom and the kitchen were on the same floor,

442
00:23:07.200 --> 00:23:09.880
which was nice, but in our current house,

443
00:23:09.880 --> 00:23:11.480
bedroom's upstairs and the kitchen's downstairs.

444
00:23:11.480 --> 00:23:13.480
It takes a lot more effort to get down there.

445
00:23:13.480 --> 00:23:15.440
Right, so that's more effort on me.

446
00:23:15.440 --> 00:23:16.680
And I just know, like, how,

447
00:23:16.680 --> 00:23:18.920
because you had taught me a lot about how important

448
00:23:18.920 --> 00:23:21.360
that right after birth time is healing,

449
00:23:21.360 --> 00:23:23.560
and you just being in bed with the baby and bonding.

450
00:23:23.560 --> 00:23:28.560
And so I would just, yeah, I felt like a waiter and a cook,

451
00:23:28.680 --> 00:23:29.760
where I would just be like, what do you want to eat?

452
00:23:29.760 --> 00:23:30.600
But it's fun, because, like,

453
00:23:30.600 --> 00:23:31.440
people are bringing you food and stuff,

454
00:23:31.440 --> 00:23:32.880
and so I would just, like,

455
00:23:32.880 --> 00:23:34.720
just constantly bringing you up food

456
00:23:34.720 --> 00:23:36.200
and letting you eat in bed.

457
00:23:36.200 --> 00:23:38.480
So once I knew, like, why I was doing that,

458
00:23:38.480 --> 00:23:40.360
because it's so important that you heal,

459
00:23:40.360 --> 00:23:41.800
and not just for that moment,

460
00:23:41.800 --> 00:23:44.640
but for, like you said, it helps with postpartum stuff

461
00:23:44.640 --> 00:23:45.480
down the road.

462
00:23:45.480 --> 00:23:46.960
Yeah, it's huge for the future, too.

463
00:23:46.960 --> 00:23:47.960
Well, and then you think about, too,

464
00:23:47.960 --> 00:23:49.320
if, like, you have multiple kids,

465
00:23:49.320 --> 00:23:51.200
like, your first, if you don't replenish,

466
00:23:52.040 --> 00:23:52.880
then you're behind, starting with your second one,

467
00:23:52.880 --> 00:23:54.560
and then your second one, if you don't replenish,

468
00:23:54.560 --> 00:23:55.920
then you're, again, behind.

469
00:23:55.920 --> 00:23:57.360
And then, like, by the third,

470
00:23:57.360 --> 00:23:58.480
like, I'm kind of feeling that,

471
00:23:58.480 --> 00:24:00.640
in that I just feel like I'm so depleted,

472
00:24:00.640 --> 00:24:03.760
and it's really just something that, like,

473
00:24:03.760 --> 00:24:05.960
you have to just research on your own.

474
00:24:05.960 --> 00:24:09.040
Like, nobody really is gonna tell you,

475
00:24:09.040 --> 00:24:10.560
you know, what you have to do about it,

476
00:24:10.560 --> 00:24:12.800
unless, I guess, you hire them to do that.

477
00:24:12.800 --> 00:24:14.800
Like, in general, people aren't just going around going,

478
00:24:14.800 --> 00:24:19.800
oh, for postpartum depletion, like, do this, you know?

479
00:24:20.320 --> 00:24:22.480
Well, and talk about the types of food,

480
00:24:22.480 --> 00:24:23.400
because then we're having to worry about, like, warm.

481
00:24:23.400 --> 00:24:25.440
Oh, yeah, I was going there, and then I forgot.

482
00:24:25.440 --> 00:24:26.280
Like, warm foods.

483
00:24:26.280 --> 00:24:27.600
Yeah, there's a couple books that,

484
00:24:27.600 --> 00:24:29.560
one that I read, and one that I didn't read,

485
00:24:29.560 --> 00:24:31.280
but I would like to read,

486
00:24:31.280 --> 00:24:33.680
but one is called The First 40 Days,

487
00:24:33.680 --> 00:24:37.040
and it's specific about, like,

488
00:24:37.040 --> 00:24:39.160
kind of more so other cultures,

489
00:24:39.160 --> 00:24:40.520
and how they handle postpartum.

490
00:24:40.520 --> 00:24:44.680
Like, the aunts, and the grandma, and the, you know, mom,

491
00:24:44.680 --> 00:24:47.380
they all, like, literally come live with you for a while,

492
00:24:47.380 --> 00:24:49.300
and they literally do everything,

493
00:24:49.820 --> 00:24:52.020
so that you just stay in bed, like, make food,

494
00:24:52.020 --> 00:24:54.540
and it's all these, like, ancient traditions

495
00:24:54.540 --> 00:24:57.540
of, like, broths, and different stuff like that,

496
00:24:57.540 --> 00:24:58.380
but it's, like, only warm.

497
00:24:58.380 --> 00:24:59.820
And it's that 40-day thing, don't they do it for, like?

498
00:24:59.820 --> 00:25:00.660
Yeah, they do it, like,

499
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.800
a celebration. They move in for like 40 days. Yeah and then like on the 40th day, I think this was

500
00:25:05.360 --> 00:25:11.120
Chinese maybe, like a Chinese kind of tradition. On the 40th day they do like a ceremony,

501
00:25:11.120 --> 00:25:15.760
like it's just like a whole thing and here it's like we don't do that. Yeah. But it's also like

502
00:25:16.560 --> 00:25:21.120
you're not eating salads, like you're not eating cold food, like you're not drinking cold drinks.

503
00:25:21.120 --> 00:25:25.520
It was basically like don't even drink cold water, like drink tea to get your, like obviously like

504
00:25:25.520 --> 00:25:31.520
not caffeinated. It's warm because if you're eating cold, your body's working super hard to

505
00:25:31.520 --> 00:25:36.400
warm it up to then digest it. Like if you're eating warm food, it's easier to digest. It

506
00:25:36.400 --> 00:25:41.040
takes your body less effort because if your body's trying to heal but you're eating cold food,

507
00:25:41.040 --> 00:25:46.080
then it's having to take away from the healing to like process and digest it better versus

508
00:25:46.080 --> 00:25:50.480
because your body is already warm. Healing, replenishing and also feeding. Yeah, doing a

509
00:25:50.480 --> 00:25:55.280
lot of things. So if you give yourself warm food, it's, I guess, easier to heal. And just like

510
00:25:55.280 --> 00:26:00.000
resting and recovery, right? Because your body just did a lot of hard work. Yeah, for sure. So

511
00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:04.160
anyway, just interesting. But then there's one called the postpartum depletion, I think that

512
00:26:04.160 --> 00:26:10.320
I would like to read, but just more specific about like what you're then lacking afterward and how to

513
00:26:11.440 --> 00:26:18.560
generally replenish. Because yeah, that's just something that is a huge issue and nobody really

514
00:26:18.560 --> 00:26:23.600
knows the answer, it seems like. Well, it's interesting. And I've heard of couples recently

515
00:26:24.320 --> 00:26:27.920
having their first and they'll say things like, you know, we don't want anybody to come over

516
00:26:28.880 --> 00:26:33.440
for like a month. And I'm always in the back of my mind like, I think you might change your

517
00:26:33.440 --> 00:26:36.880
mind on that. Yeah, I think so. And if that's where you're at, do it. But that's just so

518
00:26:36.880 --> 00:26:41.600
interesting what you said. That's so opposite of what other people do, other cultures do. It's like,

519
00:26:41.600 --> 00:26:47.120
no, we realize this is a big thing and you need support. And I understand why someone would say

520
00:26:47.120 --> 00:26:52.400
that, like you just want time alone with your baby and you want to recover. And I think we also

521
00:26:52.400 --> 00:26:59.200
just kind of in our society often don't want people to see the difficult or messy or ugly

522
00:26:59.200 --> 00:27:03.520
parts of things. There's a lot of cultures that live like multi-generationally. And then here we

523
00:27:03.520 --> 00:27:08.640
are and we're like, we have our own house, our own cars, like give me my space. So that's kind of

524
00:27:08.640 --> 00:27:13.040
like our culture. But I think like it would do us a lot of good to like, and very intentionally,

525
00:27:13.040 --> 00:27:17.120
don't just invite someone in that just wants to hold your baby. Like, it's great for them to hold

526
00:27:17.120 --> 00:27:22.000
your baby, but like, obviously there's so many more things that need tended to like dishes or

527
00:27:22.640 --> 00:27:29.040
to vacuum the house or to, I don't know, feed you food. I think those things, if we could start as

528
00:27:29.040 --> 00:27:36.160
a culture, like start to offer to do those things and you can hold the baby. But like, if that's,

529
00:27:36.160 --> 00:27:39.200
if the mom's cool with it. And the meal train thing is something that happens and that's great.

530
00:27:39.520 --> 00:27:45.520
That's super important as well. And yeah, that's like one of my favorite things.

531
00:27:45.520 --> 00:27:49.520
A lot of times, like for me, I feel hesitant, like offering to do stuff like that because I

532
00:27:49.520 --> 00:27:53.920
don't want to step on, I don't want them to feel like, oh, I guess you can come do that if they

533
00:27:53.920 --> 00:27:59.440
don't want me to do that. So I think like, one, I need to probably just get over that. But two,

534
00:27:59.440 --> 00:28:05.280
I think it would just be important for like me to be like, mom, could you do this specifically?

535
00:28:05.280 --> 00:28:09.760
Could you like to your mom do this specifically? Could that like be your job?

536
00:28:09.760 --> 00:28:12.560
Because they're always willing to help, at least in our case.

537
00:28:12.560 --> 00:28:13.360
Sometimes people don't know.

538
00:28:13.360 --> 00:28:17.920
But they don't know how and also don't know like what's the best or the most helpful.

539
00:28:17.920 --> 00:28:22.960
So that's a great piece of advice right there for like telling a new mom, like be specific about,

540
00:28:22.960 --> 00:28:26.960
because you're going to have people, hopefully, you know, if you have a good support system,

541
00:28:26.960 --> 00:28:31.600
like hopefully, and if you don't, that's a bigger problem. But like, if you do have people like

542
00:28:31.600 --> 00:28:35.440
they're going to, there's people who are going to want to help. And so be specific, like,

543
00:28:35.440 --> 00:28:39.040
I don't need a meal today. I really just need someone to put a load of laundry in.

544
00:28:39.040 --> 00:28:42.640
Yeah. Do some laundry or clean or do the dishes.

545
00:28:42.640 --> 00:28:46.640
I think most people, most people will be willing to do whatever if it means they can come over and

546
00:28:46.640 --> 00:28:53.040
see your baby. It's like, hey, come put some laundry and then you can hold the baby. That's

547
00:28:53.040 --> 00:28:56.000
why people do meal training. I'm going to bring you a meal so I can see your baby.

548
00:28:56.000 --> 00:28:56.960
Kind of. Yeah.

549
00:28:56.960 --> 00:29:00.800
It's great. And it's definitely the more exciting part. But I think too,

550
00:29:00.880 --> 00:29:06.000
like if you don't need another lasagna, then be specific about what you need, you know?

551
00:29:07.120 --> 00:29:10.640
And it was like, actually, I don't need, we're good. We got a lot of food in the fridge right

552
00:29:10.640 --> 00:29:13.920
now. People have been generous, but there's something else. And you've even done that too,

553
00:29:13.920 --> 00:29:17.920
where it's like before birth, you'll like, you'll make meals and put them in the freezer.

554
00:29:17.920 --> 00:29:22.800
I try. Our second, I had your mom do it because she loves making meals. So I asked her,

555
00:29:22.800 --> 00:29:26.720
I paid her for all the ingredients. And I just asked her if she would like prep a bunch of

556
00:29:26.720 --> 00:29:31.280
meals. So she literally probably put like 15 meals in our freezer over a couple months,

557
00:29:31.840 --> 00:29:33.360
which was massive. That's awesome too,

558
00:29:33.360 --> 00:29:35.520
because the meal train will die down after a few weeks.

559
00:29:35.520 --> 00:29:39.200
And then I remember being postpartum being so hungry, but like having two kids and trying to

560
00:29:39.200 --> 00:29:42.480
manage that and literally being able to just like pull lunch out of the freezer. But yeah,

561
00:29:42.480 --> 00:29:47.360
I think being specific with what you need help with, but also just digging in and researching,

562
00:29:47.360 --> 00:29:55.120
I can't remember what point we're on, but just digging in a little bit and doing some research

563
00:29:55.120 --> 00:29:59.760
on like what the best ways are to support yourself or to prepare for, to support yourself.

564
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:05.600
you know, having like certain, like maybe certain tinctures to like replenish or

565
00:30:05.600 --> 00:30:11.200
just kind of and ask around to like research and ask around like just to get

566
00:30:11.200 --> 00:30:14.840
a better idea of like what are you gonna need and what's gonna be the most

567
00:30:14.840 --> 00:30:17.760
helpful. So I think this this is a big one but I think we kind of talked about

568
00:30:17.760 --> 00:30:21.680
twofold right so doing research and thinking through the mom what she needs

569
00:30:21.680 --> 00:30:26.920
postpartum right but then also the baby like decisions for the baby like yeah

570
00:30:26.920 --> 00:30:32.080
you and your spouse should have a conversation about vaccines before the

571
00:30:32.080 --> 00:30:38.140
baby's born. You should have a conversation about breastfeeding before the

572
00:30:38.140 --> 00:30:41.840
baby's born. You should have and do you know research and talk to other moms and

573
00:30:41.840 --> 00:30:46.160
right even like have a like lactation consultant like that you know of like

574
00:30:46.160 --> 00:30:50.120
find one seek one out that's good like if you need help because I think so

575
00:30:50.120 --> 00:30:54.560
often breastfeeding like well I think like so often like you get to a point

576
00:30:54.560 --> 00:30:57.760
and you're like okay I need help like you're stressing because your baby maybe

577
00:30:57.760 --> 00:31:01.600
isn't gaining weight or whatever and it's like you're so stressed and you're

578
00:31:01.600 --> 00:31:06.440
postpartum like that's not the time to like seek out someone to help you. I mean

579
00:31:06.440 --> 00:31:10.720
obviously do it. Like do it if you need it but I just mean it would be so it would take so

580
00:31:10.720 --> 00:31:14.000
much off of you in that situation if you already had someone you're like oh I

581
00:31:14.000 --> 00:31:19.200
know I can call this person because I need help. And we yeah like our doula was

582
00:31:19.200 --> 00:31:23.840
is also a lactation. Well not technically but yeah I would trust her just

583
00:31:24.160 --> 00:31:29.160
the same. Because like she we already had some appointments with her scheduled

584
00:31:29.160 --> 00:31:34.120
post birth and then yeah like you did have some struggles with miles

585
00:31:34.120 --> 00:31:38.640
breastfeeding right and so. Well not nothing like crazy it was just like the

586
00:31:38.640 --> 00:31:44.600
first two weeks are kind of not fun. We'll talk about that a little bit because I don't know how people realize that. But I think that's yeah I

587
00:31:44.600 --> 00:31:47.880
would say the first two weeks are like for me at least are always like this is

588
00:31:47.880 --> 00:31:53.200
awful but after that it's like worth it for sure it's just so much easier. But

589
00:31:53.200 --> 00:31:55.920
talk about that and how it was nice having because you did ask her some

590
00:31:55.920 --> 00:32:00.520
questions and oh yeah maybe she didn't come over yeah but yeah just I don't

591
00:32:00.520 --> 00:32:03.200
know having someone that like is knowledgeable in that that I don't know

592
00:32:03.200 --> 00:32:07.040
if you have questions or concerns or if something. I mean that was something I

593
00:32:07.040 --> 00:32:11.120
didn't expect I didn't yeah I just figured like breastfeeding is just I

594
00:32:11.120 --> 00:32:14.200
don't know. That's what everyone thinks I think it's just natural you just do it.

595
00:32:14.200 --> 00:32:18.280
Like it was painful wasn't it? Yeah I mean it's not something you typically do.

596
00:32:18.280 --> 00:32:22.320
Right so especially the first kid it's like man. Yeah well even the second I

597
00:32:22.320 --> 00:32:25.920
think actually was worse. Really? Yeah but third was a breeze so I don't know

598
00:32:25.920 --> 00:32:28.640
what that's about. But like I mean it's important to have someone too if you're

599
00:32:28.640 --> 00:32:33.880
having trouble because you don't like a tongue tie or a lip tie and not to say

600
00:32:33.880 --> 00:32:40.040
they couldn't do it well. Yeah that was something I didn't realize. I remember with

601
00:32:40.040 --> 00:32:43.920
Miles like she came over and helped you with that. I remember that because I was

602
00:32:43.920 --> 00:32:47.600
watching the Rockies in the playoffs. That's the last time they've been in the

603
00:32:47.600 --> 00:32:54.160
playoffs. But that's yeah and I remember like I that was something that and I was

604
00:32:54.160 --> 00:32:58.400
like I don't know how to help you with that you know it would be a struggle and

605
00:32:58.400 --> 00:33:02.520
you don't know it'd be a struggle. So thinking okay if I have a question whom

606
00:33:02.520 --> 00:33:06.600
I gotta call. Yeah who are you gonna call? Like be prepared would just I think take some stress off just

607
00:33:06.600 --> 00:33:10.080
knowing that even if you wanted them to come over before you're having trouble

608
00:33:10.080 --> 00:33:14.360
you know just to be prepared. Wouldn't you say that that's unfortunately a big gap in too

609
00:33:14.400 --> 00:33:18.120
many moms don't have that specific breastfeeding support and then they give

610
00:33:18.120 --> 00:33:21.960
up? I mean I would think so I don't know I mean there's times obviously where

611
00:33:21.960 --> 00:33:27.720
there's different things going on at play but I would think yeah a lot of it

612
00:33:27.720 --> 00:33:31.000
probably has to do with support. I don't know I think it's worth it if you can

613
00:33:31.000 --> 00:33:34.400
just figure it out and push through and obviously that's not gonna work in every

614
00:33:34.400 --> 00:33:38.320
single circumstance but I think a lot of them could. Yeah and it just make your

615
00:33:38.320 --> 00:33:43.240
life a lot easier in the long term. A lot cheaper and a lot easier. Sometimes you

616
00:33:43.240 --> 00:33:46.600
end up with a really fat baby though. I don't know I don't know what's up with

617
00:33:46.600 --> 00:33:55.080
that. Ours are all really fat. Well this newest one is kind of brat back. Someone said he looked thinner. We both went to the

618
00:33:55.080 --> 00:34:00.120
chiropractor yesterday and both of our lower backs were like messed up. Yeah. From

619
00:34:00.120 --> 00:34:04.760
carrying that kid around. Yeah someone said he looked thinner so. Really? That's good.

620
00:34:04.760 --> 00:34:09.320
Progress. Okay. He's about to start moving he'll thin out real quick. Alright well

621
00:34:09.320 --> 00:34:12.679
that was a good one. That was a lot. Anything else on that one? I don't think so. That's a lot to

622
00:34:12.679 --> 00:34:17.560
think through but it's important I think and will help you out. Yeah and not to

623
00:34:17.560 --> 00:34:20.440
like stress over it like don't stress that you're not prepared in all those

624
00:34:20.440 --> 00:34:25.760
areas. I think it's just you know. Because you can't fully. No you can't fully prepare and or even

625
00:34:25.760 --> 00:34:31.120
foresee like any issues but I think just the point is is just having people to

626
00:34:31.120 --> 00:34:34.920
support you. I think just knowing what to because a lot of times I just don't even know

627
00:34:34.920 --> 00:34:38.679
what to think about the first time. I remember so many times with our first

628
00:34:38.840 --> 00:34:43.719
pregnancy just being like. Right. I haven't even thought about that. But I think for us like

629
00:34:43.719 --> 00:34:48.960
obviously everybody has their own path but like to have a midwife was huge.

630
00:34:48.960 --> 00:34:54.840
Yeah that level of care is different. Because we had an hour every appointment to just talk with her and honestly like the

631
00:34:54.840 --> 00:34:58.640
medical-y parts of the appointment were like so small. It was like five minutes

632
00:34:58.640 --> 00:35:01.920
and then the rest of it was just like talking.

633
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:05.120
She would have certain points each appointment to bring up with us and would just answer

634
00:35:05.120 --> 00:35:06.840
questions and ask us about things.

635
00:35:06.840 --> 00:35:11.520
Because we went the home birth route, but even if you go a hospital route, could you

636
00:35:11.520 --> 00:35:13.320
still do something like that?

637
00:35:13.320 --> 00:35:14.320
I don't know.

638
00:35:14.320 --> 00:35:17.000
To have a doula probably would be helpful in that regard.

639
00:35:17.000 --> 00:35:20.640
Just to have someone that's willing to spend a lot more time talking with you and helping

640
00:35:20.640 --> 00:35:21.640
you think about things.

641
00:35:21.640 --> 00:35:22.640
Because doula appointments are the same way.

642
00:35:22.640 --> 00:35:23.640
Yeah.

643
00:35:23.640 --> 00:35:24.640
She'd come over for like an hour and a half.

644
00:35:24.640 --> 00:35:25.640
Very similar.

645
00:35:25.640 --> 00:35:26.640
Yeah.

646
00:35:26.640 --> 00:35:28.640
So I would definitely recommend having a doula regardless.

647
00:35:28.640 --> 00:35:33.040
I remember when we were pregnant with Mal, some of our friends were pregnant with their

648
00:35:33.040 --> 00:35:34.560
first in their hospital.

649
00:35:34.560 --> 00:35:41.400
And I just remember we were comparing the length of our appointments.

650
00:35:41.400 --> 00:35:45.680
And there were just a lot of things that our midwife had told you, like, you need to be

651
00:35:45.680 --> 00:35:49.680
drinking this much water, you need to be eating this much protein.

652
00:35:49.680 --> 00:35:51.560
And she was like, oh, I didn't know that.

653
00:35:51.560 --> 00:35:53.000
But it's for a purpose.

654
00:35:53.000 --> 00:35:54.000
It helps avoid issues.

655
00:35:54.000 --> 00:35:55.000
Right, right, right.

656
00:35:55.000 --> 00:35:56.000
Anyway, that's another topic, I think.

657
00:35:56.000 --> 00:35:57.000
Sure.

658
00:35:57.000 --> 00:35:58.000
Okay.

659
00:35:58.360 --> 00:35:59.360
Okay.

660
00:35:59.360 --> 00:36:06.160
Last one is just a piece of advice would be thinking through expectations for each other.

661
00:36:06.160 --> 00:36:07.160
Right.

662
00:36:07.160 --> 00:36:08.160
Would you say like for the.

663
00:36:08.160 --> 00:36:09.160
Yeah, I think expectation.

664
00:36:09.160 --> 00:36:14.560
I think we would say expectations in like marriage, parenthood, all the things is like

665
00:36:14.560 --> 00:36:16.600
expectations are everything.

666
00:36:16.600 --> 00:36:21.360
But I think like thinking through before you have your baby, what are both of our roles

667
00:36:21.360 --> 00:36:22.360
going to be?

668
00:36:22.360 --> 00:36:23.360
Sure.

669
00:36:23.360 --> 00:36:24.960
Like, is there something that I typically do that you're going to need to pick up the

670
00:36:24.960 --> 00:36:27.500
slack on or, you know, whatever.

671
00:36:28.000 --> 00:36:33.420
Like, if I typically am, I don't even know, like if I do the dishes or the dishwasher,

672
00:36:33.420 --> 00:36:37.780
but like, I'm obviously not going to be able to do that for a while, you're going to need

673
00:36:37.780 --> 00:36:38.940
to pick up the slack.

674
00:36:38.940 --> 00:36:42.620
And obviously, you're going to look around and think, oh, I need to pick up the slack.

675
00:36:42.620 --> 00:36:43.620
Right.

676
00:36:43.620 --> 00:36:46.780
But also, I guess not everybody would naturally think that.

677
00:36:46.780 --> 00:36:51.500
But I think just being clear with your expectations of like, maybe even the expectations are just,

678
00:36:51.500 --> 00:36:54.820
I don't know what this is going to look like, but like, we're going to need to be able to

679
00:36:54.820 --> 00:36:55.820
adjust and.

680
00:36:55.820 --> 00:36:56.820
Flexible and communicate.

681
00:36:57.140 --> 00:36:58.140
Yes.

682
00:36:58.140 --> 00:36:59.140
Like that.

683
00:36:59.140 --> 00:37:00.140
And we've said that before.

684
00:37:00.140 --> 00:37:01.140
But that's the biggest thing with expectations is like communicate.

685
00:37:01.140 --> 00:37:02.140
Yeah.

686
00:37:02.140 --> 00:37:07.140
And I think I've told this story, but like when Miles was born, like you were in bed

687
00:37:07.140 --> 00:37:08.140
with the baby.

688
00:37:08.140 --> 00:37:12.620
And so I thought I was being like the best husband and father in the world by just like

689
00:37:12.620 --> 00:37:14.180
doing all the dishes and doing all the laundry.

690
00:37:14.180 --> 00:37:15.180
I can't see the dishes.

691
00:37:15.180 --> 00:37:16.180
I don't care.

692
00:37:16.180 --> 00:37:20.340
And then finally, we had this conversation where you were like, I don't care about the

693
00:37:20.340 --> 00:37:21.340
dishes.

694
00:37:21.340 --> 00:37:22.340
Like, just hang out with us.

695
00:37:22.340 --> 00:37:23.340
And I was like, oh.

696
00:37:23.340 --> 00:37:24.340
Yeah, I just felt like isolated, alone.

697
00:37:24.340 --> 00:37:25.780
I was like, I'm doing all this for you.

698
00:37:25.780 --> 00:37:26.780
And you're, yeah.

699
00:37:26.780 --> 00:37:27.780
I can't even see them.

700
00:37:27.780 --> 00:37:28.780
I'm in my room.

701
00:37:28.780 --> 00:37:33.940
But like, and that was a huge, like light bulb moment that I've remembered since with

702
00:37:33.940 --> 00:37:39.740
the births following, but even just like, like having a conversation and just don't

703
00:37:39.740 --> 00:37:40.740
assume anything.

704
00:37:40.740 --> 00:37:44.820
So like, like assume that, like, or have a conversation, are we both going to change

705
00:37:44.820 --> 00:37:45.820
diapers?

706
00:37:45.820 --> 00:37:49.580
Because I remember we were on a flight, I think we just had Miles at the time.

707
00:37:49.580 --> 00:37:52.980
And I got up in the middle of the flight to go bring Miles to the bathroom.

708
00:37:53.220 --> 00:37:57.180
I don't like flying and I will not stand up to change his diaper unless needed.

709
00:37:57.180 --> 00:38:00.340
But there was this, there was a mom who, I don't think she said it to me.

710
00:38:00.340 --> 00:38:01.340
I think she said it to-

711
00:38:01.340 --> 00:38:02.340
She had like four kids with her, didn't she?

712
00:38:02.340 --> 00:38:03.340
Yeah.

713
00:38:03.340 --> 00:38:06.380
And she was like, my husband has never changed a diaper.

714
00:38:06.380 --> 00:38:08.980
And her oldest, like she had a lot of kids.

715
00:38:08.980 --> 00:38:13.020
And so I think, I don't know how often that's the thing, but I mean, I'd say we changed

716
00:38:13.020 --> 00:38:16.460
the, we changed equal amounts of diapers probably.

717
00:38:16.460 --> 00:38:19.060
And so, but maybe that's something that needs to be talked about ahead of time.

718
00:38:19.060 --> 00:38:20.060
Like maybe, yikes.

719
00:38:20.060 --> 00:38:21.060
Yeah.

720
00:38:21.060 --> 00:38:22.060
And I don't know.

721
00:38:22.140 --> 00:38:26.460
And I think I had a sister who was a lot younger than me, so I had changed diapers when I was

722
00:38:26.460 --> 00:38:27.460
in high school and stuff.

723
00:38:27.460 --> 00:38:32.620
But I don't know that's, I mean, I remember watching your brother didn't know how to,

724
00:38:32.620 --> 00:38:34.620
when his kid was born, didn't know how to change.

725
00:38:34.620 --> 00:38:35.620
Yeah.

726
00:38:35.620 --> 00:38:37.980
Well, yeah, he was like standing there and he was like, isn't someone going to show me

727
00:38:37.980 --> 00:38:38.980
how?

728
00:38:38.980 --> 00:38:39.980
I was like, I didn't know.

729
00:38:39.980 --> 00:38:40.980
That you didn't know how.

730
00:38:40.980 --> 00:38:41.980
I didn't know you didn't know how.

731
00:38:41.980 --> 00:38:42.980
Yeah.

732
00:38:42.980 --> 00:38:46.700
So just even simple things like ahead of time being like, hey, are we, like, are you going

733
00:38:46.700 --> 00:38:48.460
to help with the, like, we're going to both help with this.

734
00:38:48.460 --> 00:38:49.460
I don't even know.

735
00:38:49.460 --> 00:38:52.820
I mean, it's hard because you don't know all of the different things, but, so I guess the

736
00:38:52.820 --> 00:38:56.820
biggest piece of advice with that is just like voice your expectations, like, hey, can

737
00:38:56.820 --> 00:38:58.460
you help me with this?

738
00:38:58.460 --> 00:39:02.420
Sometimes I'm not good at communicating because I don't want someone to feel burdened to help

739
00:39:02.420 --> 00:39:03.420
me.

740
00:39:03.420 --> 00:39:06.300
Like, I don't want you to feel burdened to change the diaper because whatever, like,

741
00:39:06.300 --> 00:39:09.540
I want you to want to help me because you want to help me.

742
00:39:09.540 --> 00:39:15.080
So I think like sometimes I need to be better about being like, hey, this is what I need

743
00:39:15.080 --> 00:39:16.080
you to do.

744
00:39:16.080 --> 00:39:17.080
Yeah.

745
00:39:17.080 --> 00:39:19.340
I need you to hold the baby so I can take a shower.

746
00:39:19.340 --> 00:39:20.340
Yes.

747
00:39:20.340 --> 00:39:21.340
Right.

748
00:39:21.340 --> 00:39:22.340
I need you to.

749
00:39:22.340 --> 00:39:24.660
And obviously, like, if possible, like, it would be nice for you to like notice things

750
00:39:24.660 --> 00:39:28.220
like that too and just be like, hey, I like, I would love to do this, but it's not always

751
00:39:28.220 --> 00:39:29.220
going to be that way.

752
00:39:29.220 --> 00:39:34.180
And you can't just like sit around waiting for them to ask because that's ridiculous.

753
00:39:34.180 --> 00:39:37.980
Even though I feel like I do that sometimes because that's why I say that's probably a

754
00:39:37.980 --> 00:39:38.980
woman thing.

755
00:39:38.980 --> 00:39:39.980
Thing here in this area.

756
00:39:39.980 --> 00:39:40.980
Just communicate.

757
00:39:40.980 --> 00:39:41.980
Yeah.

758
00:39:41.980 --> 00:39:47.220
But also for the dad to just like be aware that like this is a big change and like you

759
00:39:47.220 --> 00:39:52.700
are a partner in this, like you need to be willing and like maybe she doesn't even ask

760
00:39:52.700 --> 00:39:54.500
you to change the diaper, but you know, it needs to be done.

761
00:39:54.500 --> 00:39:58.220
So just like get up and do it because that's going to be helpful.

762
00:39:58.220 --> 00:39:59.420
And recently we traveled.

763
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:05.220
to Chicago for your brother's wedding and what did I say? I told you my favorite thing

764
00:40:05.220 --> 00:40:10.840
is when you ask me to do something and I've already done it. And there was like the first

765
00:40:10.840 --> 00:40:15.480
night in the hotel there was like three things that you were like, you asked me and I was

766
00:40:15.480 --> 00:40:16.480
like, I've done them already.

767
00:40:16.480 --> 00:40:21.520
But I think just being engaged and like for the dad to be engaged and aware. My uncle

768
00:40:21.520 --> 00:40:26.600
used to always say others aware, like being aware of others and their needs and their

769
00:40:26.600 --> 00:40:31.240
feelings rather than just thinking about you. So I think like that's huge just in

770
00:40:31.240 --> 00:40:36.600
being supportive of just like being engaged, like changing the diaper before they need

771
00:40:36.600 --> 00:40:41.360
to ask, before she needs to ask, you know, just like jumping up and doing it. I think

772
00:40:41.360 --> 00:40:45.840
that goes a long way. Helps to not have resentment.

773
00:40:45.840 --> 00:40:50.920
Yeah. Yeah. So as much as you can talk about that ahead of time, the better.

774
00:40:50.920 --> 00:40:55.800
Yeah. Yeah. Even just like, this was just random, but like even thinking, I remember

775
00:40:55.800 --> 00:40:59.840
always waking up with Miles our first, like in the middle of the night and feeling like

776
00:40:59.840 --> 00:41:05.240
looking at you and just feeling resentful because you were like sleeping soundly. And

777
00:41:05.240 --> 00:41:11.000
I, I don't know, I was woken up so many times, but I think like if we would have known like

778
00:41:11.000 --> 00:41:14.840
that was normal, like I don't know what, what would you do if you were awake anyway? Like

779
00:41:14.840 --> 00:41:21.120
it doesn't make sense. But if like there was that expectation of like, I take the nights,

780
00:41:21.120 --> 00:41:25.400
like obviously if I need like help, you're going to jump in and help. But like the majority

781
00:41:25.400 --> 00:41:29.640
of the time it's me and that's just how it is. But like if I would have just accepted

782
00:41:29.640 --> 00:41:34.440
that and like been aware that that's how it is, I would have been less angry about it.

783
00:41:34.440 --> 00:41:35.920
I feel like I was just so tired.

784
00:41:35.920 --> 00:41:41.400
And then I would like, I've since figured out like, oh, our, yeah, you're, you're doing

785
00:41:41.400 --> 00:41:47.120
the night shift, but then all, if he wakes up early, I'll get up with him, get him out

786
00:41:47.120 --> 00:41:51.600
of the room, hang out with him so that you can get like two hours of uninterrupted sleep.

787
00:41:51.600 --> 00:41:55.200
But then there's also times where like, we've had some times with him, probably more him

788
00:41:55.200 --> 00:41:59.800
than any other kids where he's just been up all night or like super uncomfortable or something's

789
00:41:59.800 --> 00:42:03.960
up. Like he needs to, I don't know if he's like, needs to burp and just can't like, whatever

790
00:42:03.960 --> 00:42:09.360
it is. I think that too, it's like, it's not fair that I would have to do that by myself.

791
00:42:09.360 --> 00:42:17.440
Right. Like, so we usually are up either together or yeah, we'll take turns. But I think, yeah,

792
00:42:17.440 --> 00:42:25.600
like I think moms just need to not feel alone because it's a big thing. So support, support,

793
00:42:25.600 --> 00:42:28.680
support. I don't know what number we're even on, but that was all of them. But I don't

794
00:42:28.680 --> 00:42:34.600
remember what it was called. So expectations. It was number five. Perfect. We did it. So

795
00:42:34.600 --> 00:42:39.040
I would say last thing, you don't know it all. You won't know it all. You'll figure

796
00:42:39.040 --> 00:42:43.720
it out. But I think the overarching theme through all of these is just have a lot of

797
00:42:43.720 --> 00:42:48.000
conversations with your spouse about, and it's going to be always changing. So constant

798
00:42:48.000 --> 00:42:53.000
conversation. Yep. That's right. Roll, roll with it all. And you'll do great. Having kids

799
00:42:53.000 --> 00:42:58.280
is awesome. Hopefully this wasn't like, well, this didn't scare anybody. It's not even scary.

800
00:42:58.280 --> 00:43:03.000
I just mean like, but follow your instincts. Like, I don't know. I think it's just important

801
00:43:03.000 --> 00:43:07.080
to like do what works for you. I think that was supposed to be the whole thing is, you

802
00:43:07.080 --> 00:43:13.100
know, having kids is super fun, super rewarding. There are some really difficult moments and

803
00:43:13.100 --> 00:43:17.300
nights and days, but overall, I wouldn't do it any other way. I feel like I'm learning

804
00:43:17.300 --> 00:43:21.940
too. It's like, you can either let it, I think my mom used to always say this, like, let

805
00:43:21.940 --> 00:43:28.340
motherhood or let parenthood make you better or make you bitter. And it's like this choice

806
00:43:28.340 --> 00:43:33.620
that you have to make of like, am I going to let this make me resentful and like miserable?

807
00:43:33.620 --> 00:43:37.460
And obviously there's days where like you feel miserable, but like overall, are you

808
00:43:37.460 --> 00:43:42.160
going to be, are you going to let this like grow you and make you into a better person?

809
00:43:42.160 --> 00:43:45.960
Because I think this is a whole nother thing. I've made a rabbit trail here, but I feel

810
00:43:45.960 --> 00:43:51.120
like recently I've been thinking about how like parenthood is at the beginning when you

811
00:43:51.120 --> 00:43:55.800
really don't know a whole lot. Like you're so new to life, really. Versus like later

812
00:43:55.800 --> 00:44:00.680
on in life, you're like more wise, but it's almost like parenthood's at the beginning

813
00:44:00.680 --> 00:44:05.200
to like form you into who you're supposed to be. Like that's when it's like, you don't

814
00:44:05.200 --> 00:44:08.880
know everything you need to know, but like you need to figure it out and you need to

815
00:44:08.880 --> 00:44:16.000
grow as a parent. That's good. So that that's how you probably become older and wiser. Totally.

816
00:44:16.000 --> 00:44:20.760
Like a huge part of it. Oh yeah. I've learned a lot about myself since having kids and grown

817
00:44:20.760 --> 00:44:27.080
and seen a lot of like our flaws come out that didn't come out prior to kids because

818
00:44:27.080 --> 00:44:31.160
you weren't in those kinds of situations. So I think like you can let it make you into

819
00:44:31.160 --> 00:44:35.320
a better person. That's great. So rely on each other, rely on the Holy Spirit, pray

820
00:44:35.320 --> 00:44:40.240
a lot. I'll say I was, I was going to say with the sleep thing, pray a lot in the middle

821
00:44:40.240 --> 00:44:44.160
of the night, the kids would go back to sleep and stuff. And that's convicting sometimes

822
00:44:44.160 --> 00:44:48.640
because I'm like, man, I should be praying this much all the time. Cause I think, you

823
00:44:48.640 --> 00:44:53.040
know what I mean? There's moments where it's like, just please go back to sleep. But yeah,

824
00:44:53.040 --> 00:44:58.640
I mean, yeah. So praying with each other as, as spouses for your children, as a couple

825
00:44:58.640 --> 00:44:59.960
for your children.

826
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:07.080
It's huge and praying about what kind of parents you want to be, even before you are, is awesome.

827
00:45:07.080 --> 00:45:08.080
Great advice.

828
00:45:08.080 --> 00:45:09.080
Cool.

829
00:45:09.080 --> 00:45:10.080
Good job.

830
00:45:10.080 --> 00:45:11.080
Hey, thanks.

831
00:45:11.080 --> 00:45:12.080
You too.

832
00:45:12.080 --> 00:45:13.080
Sweet.

833
00:45:13.080 --> 00:45:15.600
Thanks for watching episode four of the Outnumbered podcast.

834
00:45:15.600 --> 00:45:20.560
If you're expecting your first child, congratulations, and don't worry about the sleep thing.

835
00:45:20.560 --> 00:45:21.560
It'll be great.

836
00:45:21.560 --> 00:45:22.560
See you next time.

837
00:45:22.560 --> 00:45:23.560
You're doing great.

838
00:45:23.560 --> 00:45:23.560