WEBVTT

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Okay, so welcome to our weekly check in session for phase two.

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My name is Renee and I'm here at the middle of the day with you all normally Carla is

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here, I forget where she is, but I'm excited to be here with you as many of you as possible

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and for those of you that are watching in playback.

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And so there is only one session tonight, because you are being invited to join whenever

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our Tuesday night loveseat overlaps with our check in, Jackie likes you guys to just join

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the main group in phase three, which includes the women and some of the men.

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And it's just like a weekly check in y'all.

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It's just it's an hour, an hour and a half of getting Jackie's ear on dating advice.

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So you get willing to go in the hot seat or the loveseat and you share your dating story.

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So it's a great, just just always great to hear from her and learn from her.

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But I of course love that we always get to do these smaller check ins and so anybody

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here for the first time do we have any Oh, the picture of me, you're talking about the

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picture of me.

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Thank you.

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I thought you were talking about the picture next to me.

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The picture of me.

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Thank you.

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That was a professional photo shoot that I did all good to the photographer y'all like

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I just don't photograph well and she is a rock star.

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She actually just did the Dolly Parton book and so that was she happens to be a friend

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of mine and that's what happens in Nashville.

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You just know random people.

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And so she made me even even me look good in photos.

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So that was a big big thing.

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Okay.

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So if you are here for the first time, let me just go through some housekeeping or if

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like you've not been here in a while or you're watching this in replay and you're here for

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the first time.

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Thank you for coming.

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Some of you have been in phase two just moments and some of you I can't get rid of and I love

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when you're here.

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So just so you guys know you're meant to be in phase two for about a month.

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There are five main videos to watch unlike phase one that had 14 videos a lot of reading

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and a lot of homework that we lighten the load a little bit in phase two.

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So there's five main videos, but those videos are like an hour 75 minutes long.

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So we encourage you to take a week to watch them because not everybody can watch them

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all in one sitting and really kind of unpack it.

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The first one is love story accelerator.

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Jackie kind of talks about what phase two is about.

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She issues a dating challenge.

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Do not panic.

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You guys, you're like some of you are like, oh my gosh, I'm not going to get to seven

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dates, whatever.

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Just do your best to get back out there.

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That's the only point of it.

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She gives you a walking challenge, a healthy eating and a healthy water challenge and all

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the things like to put a dress on.

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Then she does the teaching for dating 101 and we talk about the different levels of

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dating.

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For most of us, this is a game changer.

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It is learning how to do what we call level one discovery dating where you're not getting

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romantic with anybody for the first four or five, six dates that you're going out on a

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bunch of dates with different guys at the same exact time that slows you down.

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It doesn't, it doesn't have you put all your eggs in one basket and it doesn't get you

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fantasizing about somebody before you're really even getting a chance to get to know

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them.

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It's also giving you an opportunity to let attraction grow.

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It is actually okay for you to not feel physically attracted to the guy that you might marry

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on the first date.

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He is a complete stranger to you and sometimes that physical that you have on the first day

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is not the healthy thing, right?

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We get it.

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Like we want to crawl across the table and like make out with him.

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I don't know about you, but every guy that I wanted to do that with on the first date,

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those were crazy, amazing and crashed and burned relationships.

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And so we want to teach you how to date safe and with balance and not knowing what your

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answer is going to be.

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So that's what the dating level teaching all about.

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And then of course we go into the divine masculine and feminine video.

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And I really love that one, especially as a strong woman.

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I have constantly heard like, oh, you're too intimidating, you're too aggressive, you're

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too assertive, you're too direct, blah, blah, blah, blah, you're too small, you're too much,

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right?

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So if you've heard you're too much, I feel like the divine feminine video is an empowering

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way to tap into the best parts of your gift and your giftings and then also learn how

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to be softer, not smaller.

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There's a difference between softer and smaller and we talk about that in the divine feminine.

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Of course, then the next video is dating, online dating.

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I do that one and I joke that no one hates online dating more than me and I became the

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expert in this community about online dating, how to get from the picture to a text, to

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a video, to a date, to a second date, and then figuring out who was the right guy.

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All three guys that I seriously dated in the last three years I met online because I literally

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just don't meet single men in real life.

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I just don't come across that very many.

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It's just my walk.

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It's just the circles that I run with, even though I've tried to change that.

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So it has been a great tool for me.

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Even if you don't want to do online dating, you're like, oh my gosh, I did not get into

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this program to go back to online.

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Just watch it anyway, because there's some really good, in my opinion, tips on how to

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do that early dating and how to attract a guy.

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All of it still applies if you're trying to meet that guy in real life.

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And then the final video I teach on is boundaries.

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That topic is what we're going to go over.

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So every week at these check-ins, each week we're going to pick one of those videos to

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just give a 15-minute highlight reel.

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If you have not watched it yet, don't worry about it.

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If you're about to watch it, I'm just kind of giving you a precursor.

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We will then sometimes go over any topics that we see that keep coming up in the roll

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call post that we kind of need to touch on.

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We're going to pop you out to a breakout room for about 10 minutes with another person to

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do a couple of questions, and then you're going to come back here, and then I open the

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floor for about 40 minutes to answer all of your dating questions.

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And so that's kind of the format that we go in.

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Let me just give you some other tidbits and housekeeping items.

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Please post as much as you want in the Facebook page, for now, about all things connected

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to phase two.

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I know a lot of you guys were posting dream interpretations or dreams in phase one.

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That is a real gift that Bethany has and Jackie has.

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You can post it here.

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I just don't know if I'm going to be able to give me and Carla are going to be able

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to give you as much advice on that.

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My preference would be for you guys to stick to questions that have to do with the videos

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that you've watched, how your dating is going, because that's kind of where we are in this

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phase.

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Watch how long you guys are making some of the posts.

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Some of you guys are writing really, really long posts.

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And Carla and I, and that's why some of them are sitting in the queue so long, because

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Carla and I want to be able to pray about it and be the first one to respond.

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And so if we see five really long posts and we don't have time to sit and process it,

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it might sit in the queue.

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So if you're giving us an assessment of three different dates that you had, maybe separate

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them out into three different posts.

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That would be easier than one really massively long post.

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The other is you want to get feedback from everybody else.

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And the worst thing you can do is have a really long post.

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Not everybody read it because they just are bored and they're not going to read it all.

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And then they're going to give you like crappy advice because they didn't actually read it

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all.

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Do you know what I'm saying?

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So it doesn't serve you for you to guys to keep it too long.

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Obviously, let's really be careful about how we comment on other people's posts.

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You guys, I'm even seeing this in phase three.

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So I want you guys to leave phase two being nice.

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Like I want you to know how to respond to other people's posts without being too blunt

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and direct.

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It is really easy when you're in the middle of it to not see the red flags.

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And it is really easy when you're not in the middle of it to be like, Oh my gosh, like

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look at those red flags.

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Get run girl run.

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Like just be careful how we speak to one another.

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Let's just be kind.

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Let's be passionate.

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Why not to tell people what to do?

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You can just say, here's what I would do, or I think this, or would you consider this?

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Let's try to be soft in how we make comments because when someone is brave enough to be

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vulnerable enough to put a post up, she doesn't need 20 women yelling at her or making her

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feel like an idiot that she didn't see the signs.

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Do you know what I'm saying?

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Like we really want to be kind or else people are going to be too afraid to put up a post.

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So we want to lift up all the boats.

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That's one of the royal rules is to lift up all the boats.

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We want to make sure we don't sink anybody.

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And then just make sure you guys stay connected.

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I will say this because there's less homework to do.

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You got to really stay in it to win it, you know, and so we want you out there dating

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and getting out in the real world, but we do want you responding to the roll call every

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single week.

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We want you to come to prayer, supernatural Saturday.

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We want you to come to activation Sunday.

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The more you can come to stuff, the more you can watch things live, watch things in replay,

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the more you will feel connected and involved in this community.

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So if you start to feel disconnected in phase two, I would question how engaged are you

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personally being with yourself and the community and each other.

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And then the final housekeeping item is, yes, you guys, we have opened up the app for phase

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three.

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It is a rolling entrance right now.

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Please do not set up your page.

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Do not email us if you are in phase two.

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Now some of you have already finished the last video, so you already technically in

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the system are marked phase three, but you're still here because you don't feel ready to

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go to phase three yet.

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So if you got the email to move over there because you're still sitting here, I need

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you to pick your lane.

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So if you're going to go over to the app as phase three, then you need to be done here

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in phase two because what I don't want.

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Questions about the app sitting here in phase two.

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It's just going to confuse people.

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There are 800 people we are trying to migrate over.

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I have already been flooded, and Cheryl and I have been flooded with emails

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because not everybody's getting the page.

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It's not hooked up correctly.

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Their bio's not matching.

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Their photo, like we're trying to clean up those 800 people.

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So, let me finish getting those 800 people set, and then two weeks, in the next,

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in about two weeks, we're going to be migrating y'all over.

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I promise we're going to put a post about it in our Facebook page.

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You're going to get an email about it.

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If you don't have an email, it's because you never set it up to begin with.

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That's why I've been trying to push all of you to make sure everything in your profile is marked

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to the right to receive all of our emails.

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So, just know the app is coming for you guys.

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Don't get FOMO.

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It's going to be a much more organized way for you to see stuff.

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If you still want to see, when you get to the app, you will not see phase one

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and phase two content in there.

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It's still going to be in Kajabi.

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It's at JackieDorman.com.

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You're still going to see your stuff there.

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But when you get to the app, when you get to phase three, or phase two,

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you're only going to see the current page that you're in.

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And new pages will become available to you as we finish them.

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So, and please, you guys, people are already sending us suggestions

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about how to make the app different.

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This is not the time for that yet.

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Like, I'm just trying to onboard everybody and get it to do what it's supposed to do for all,

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like, 1,800 of you that are going to be on there in the next couple of months.

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So, that's my public service announcement on the app.

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So, get out your pens and your paper or your notepad,

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because we're going to talk about boundaries.

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And you guys, I am making that the topic for today, because I feel

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like healthy boundaries answers a lot of the comments that I see in the roll call.

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If I see you guys stuck on a texting spree, vomiting too much while you're texting a guy,

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sharing too much about your exes, starting to get physical too soon,

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getting your heart all a flutter, all of it has to do with boundaries.

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Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

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So, we're going to kind of unpack this.

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The full PowerPoint and the full video is there for you.

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So, if you've not watched boundaries yet, it'll feel like I'm flying,

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but you're going to then want to go back.

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So, you take the notes that come to you, but know that this whole PowerPoint is available

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to you guys in your portal, because I wanted you guys to have that there.

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So, the first thing I like to, and if you guys don't tune out, if you're like, oh my gosh,

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I read the book boundaries 20 years ago, I already know all about boundaries.

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Like, y'all, I've been teaching about boundaries, and I still need help with boundaries.

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Like, just because you know it and teach it doesn't mean you live it

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out in your life every single day.

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I don't know about that trip in August, and what if you haven't even had a date in that month?

230
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Do you still move to phase three?

231
00:13:02.940 --> 00:13:03.600
Yeah, you do.

232
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That's a good question.

233
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Yeah, it's okay.

234
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The dating challenge is just a dating challenge.

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If you've watched all the videos, you've been here a month, and you feel like you got everything

236
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that you needed out of here, we want you to fly bird, because in phase three,

237
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there are plenty of people in different seasons of their dating.

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Some people, like me, I just broke up with somebody.

239
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I'm taking a couple months off.

240
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Like, I'm just, like, I'm calling it the summer of Renee, and so, like,

241
00:13:28.140 --> 00:13:31.220
people are in different places of their dating season in phase three,

242
00:13:31.220 --> 00:13:34.920
so don't think you have to accomplish the dating challenge to go to phase three.

243
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I do want to make sure that you've been here at least a month, so that you feel like,

244
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because right now, there's a very small group of you.

245
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Once you go over to phase three, you're in a much larger pool of people.

246
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And so, we want to make sure that you got the foundations of dating here that you needed to.

247
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Okay. So, boundaries.

248
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Back to boundaries.

249
00:13:53.940 --> 00:13:56.080
Boundaries are not walls.

250
00:13:56.080 --> 00:13:58.920
So, right away, sometimes people think boundaries are walls.

251
00:13:59.220 --> 00:14:01.480
Boundaries are actually fences with gates.

252
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Fences with gates.

253
00:14:02.700 --> 00:14:04.120
That's, like, the phrase I like to use.

254
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They let the good in, and they keep the bad out.

255
00:14:07.980 --> 00:14:09.840
They allow you to have better relationships.

256
00:14:10.360 --> 00:14:13.460
Boundaries help you find stability and safety.

257
00:14:13.900 --> 00:14:16.280
You will feel like you have a sense of well-being.

258
00:14:16.580 --> 00:14:20.440
You will have better time management and capacity management.

259
00:14:21.100 --> 00:14:22.860
You will still face conflict.

260
00:14:22.860 --> 00:14:25.020
You are still going to face unhealthy people.

261
00:14:25.220 --> 00:14:26.520
You're still going to get triggered.

262
00:14:26.680 --> 00:14:29.800
You're still going to have confrontation, and you're still going to get temptation.

263
00:14:30.260 --> 00:14:33.340
But it just means you have the tools to protect yourself.

264
00:14:34.080 --> 00:14:35.920
Now, here's the big thing, you guys.

265
00:14:35.980 --> 00:14:39.860
This is true in dating relationships with your family and with your staff.

266
00:14:40.720 --> 00:14:43.060
Boundaries without consequences.

267
00:14:43.540 --> 00:14:45.780
It's fences with holes.

268
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Only you can enforce them.

269
00:14:47.860 --> 00:14:51.900
So, if you have a dating boundary with a guy, like, you're like, I don't want to have sex,

270
00:14:51.900 --> 00:14:57.660
or I don't want him to touch any of, any body parts I have that he doesn't, I don't want him to touch.

271
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If there is not.

272
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:03.220
a consequence for him busting that boundary,

273
00:15:03.220 --> 00:15:04.920
then he's just gonna bust through it again,

274
00:15:04.920 --> 00:15:06.580
and then he's just gonna bust through it again.

275
00:15:06.580 --> 00:15:08.960
This is just like someone taking advantage of you.

276
00:15:08.960 --> 00:15:11.140
You might have a family member or friend,

277
00:15:11.140 --> 00:15:14.220
you set up a boundary with them, they bust that boundary,

278
00:15:14.220 --> 00:15:16.460
but if there's not a consequence to that boundary,

279
00:15:16.460 --> 00:15:19.160
you're actually allowing the busting to happen.

280
00:15:20.820 --> 00:15:24.180
So remember too, boundaries aren't just a line.

281
00:15:24.180 --> 00:15:26.780
It's not like just a line around your yard.

282
00:15:26.780 --> 00:15:28.500
You might have different boundaries

283
00:15:28.540 --> 00:15:31.500
with different people in different seasons of your life.

284
00:15:31.500 --> 00:15:33.740
When you are first getting to know people,

285
00:15:33.740 --> 00:15:35.940
they should be way out here.

286
00:15:35.940 --> 00:15:38.860
And as you start to go on those dates with them,

287
00:15:38.860 --> 00:15:41.220
you might let them in a little bit closer.

288
00:15:41.220 --> 00:15:44.780
The truth is so many of us have had emotional hangovers.

289
00:15:44.780 --> 00:15:47.180
We have this toxic attraction to somebody,

290
00:15:47.180 --> 00:15:49.540
and we take them from here to here

291
00:15:49.540 --> 00:15:51.340
in about five hot minutes.

292
00:15:51.340 --> 00:15:53.500
And then we realize, oh my gosh,

293
00:15:53.500 --> 00:15:55.180
he's now invaded my space,

294
00:15:55.180 --> 00:15:57.900
and now I wonder why this relationship's so unhealthy.

295
00:15:57.900 --> 00:16:00.780
It's because we didn't slowly bring them in.

296
00:16:00.780 --> 00:16:03.860
So we wanna make sure boundaries exist,

297
00:16:03.860 --> 00:16:08.060
but they help us kind of keep the good in, the bad out.

298
00:16:08.060 --> 00:16:10.540
They define who we are and who we are not.

299
00:16:10.540 --> 00:16:13.580
They define what we own and what we don't own.

300
00:16:13.580 --> 00:16:16.260
It defines what we like and what we don't like.

301
00:16:16.260 --> 00:16:19.260
It gives clarity on what our responsibility is

302
00:16:19.260 --> 00:16:21.740
for ourselves and for other people.

303
00:16:21.740 --> 00:16:24.320
It protects you, it protects what's important to you,

304
00:16:24.320 --> 00:16:26.300
what you hold value to,

305
00:16:26.300 --> 00:16:28.740
and where your time and resources will go.

306
00:16:28.740 --> 00:16:30.980
Like when you have guests over in your house,

307
00:16:30.980 --> 00:16:34.500
you don't let every single guest go into your closet, right?

308
00:16:34.500 --> 00:16:35.340
You want, you know,

309
00:16:35.340 --> 00:16:36.900
you might give them the tour of the room.

310
00:16:36.900 --> 00:16:37.800
Really close friends,

311
00:16:37.800 --> 00:16:40.300
you might show them the bathroom and the closet.

312
00:16:40.300 --> 00:16:42.500
But even think about when you have a dinner party,

313
00:16:42.500 --> 00:16:44.140
not everybody is gonna get to see

314
00:16:44.140 --> 00:16:46.100
all of the rooms in your home.

315
00:16:47.180 --> 00:16:50.820
Okay, so why is boundaries so hard?

316
00:16:50.820 --> 00:16:53.020
We've all been talking about boundaries, boundaries,

317
00:16:53.020 --> 00:16:55.300
boundaries, and it's like,

318
00:16:55.300 --> 00:16:57.580
and it's usually for so many of us,

319
00:16:57.580 --> 00:16:59.140
our boundaries got busted

320
00:16:59.140 --> 00:17:01.500
in our early development of our childhood,

321
00:17:01.500 --> 00:17:03.220
right when we were supposed to be bonding

322
00:17:03.220 --> 00:17:06.420
with mom and dad and the family nuclear system.

323
00:17:06.420 --> 00:17:08.900
So something usually happened in there

324
00:17:08.900 --> 00:17:12.660
and we got what was called boundary injuries.

325
00:17:12.660 --> 00:17:16.420
And so if something happened to you

326
00:17:16.420 --> 00:17:18.339
that shouldn't have happened to you,

327
00:17:18.339 --> 00:17:21.579
it could have created a crack in your boundary.

328
00:17:21.579 --> 00:17:22.980
So if a bad thing happened to you

329
00:17:23.940 --> 00:17:25.900
that could crack in your boundary,

330
00:17:25.900 --> 00:17:28.339
if something was completely missing,

331
00:17:28.339 --> 00:17:31.020
picture like a deep hole in your boundary

332
00:17:31.020 --> 00:17:33.340
or your fence around the yard.

333
00:17:33.340 --> 00:17:36.980
And so if you weren't provided for financially,

334
00:17:36.980 --> 00:17:38.740
if your father wasn't in the home,

335
00:17:38.740 --> 00:17:40.140
if you were abused,

336
00:17:41.060 --> 00:17:42.540
bad things could have happened to you,

337
00:17:42.540 --> 00:17:45.380
caused scars, cracks, damage,

338
00:17:45.380 --> 00:17:48.460
and or holes where protection wasn't there.

339
00:17:48.460 --> 00:17:52.060
Like for me, like when I did a deep dive in my childhood,

340
00:17:52.060 --> 00:17:55.500
unfortunately, I have holes and cracks.

341
00:17:55.500 --> 00:17:59.020
In many ways, I was not protected financially,

342
00:17:59.020 --> 00:18:03.860
spiritually and emotionally and physically.

343
00:18:03.860 --> 00:18:07.700
And so that really affected the way I view boundaries.

344
00:18:07.700 --> 00:18:09.620
So my baseline for normal,

345
00:18:09.620 --> 00:18:11.020
that's a phrase we use sometimes,

346
00:18:11.020 --> 00:18:13.540
my baseline for normal with boundaries

347
00:18:13.540 --> 00:18:14.780
was really out of whack.

348
00:18:14.780 --> 00:18:17.340
What I thought was appropriate behavior

349
00:18:17.340 --> 00:18:19.180
was actually unhealthy behavior,

350
00:18:19.180 --> 00:18:20.380
but it was my normal.

351
00:18:20.420 --> 00:18:23.740
So I didn't see it as not normal.

352
00:18:23.740 --> 00:18:26.260
Sometimes you can get unhealthy boundaries

353
00:18:26.260 --> 00:18:30.060
because you either have over-controlling parents,

354
00:18:30.060 --> 00:18:32.380
parents with no limits

355
00:18:32.380 --> 00:18:34.940
or parents who you don't know what it's gonna be.

356
00:18:34.940 --> 00:18:37.420
And that would be usually with addictive parents.

357
00:18:37.420 --> 00:18:39.260
So say you have an alcoholic as a parent,

358
00:18:39.260 --> 00:18:41.580
you never know which parent is gonna show up.

359
00:18:41.580 --> 00:18:43.140
So you can either have a parent

360
00:18:43.140 --> 00:18:45.620
with too many strict rules,

361
00:18:45.620 --> 00:18:46.980
no rules at all,

362
00:18:46.980 --> 00:18:49.220
or rules that just keep changing.

363
00:18:49.220 --> 00:18:52.140
And so those can also create unhealthy boundaries.

364
00:18:52.140 --> 00:18:54.260
I think it's just important for you to know that.

365
00:18:54.260 --> 00:18:57.340
So if that is somehow in your childhood,

366
00:18:57.340 --> 00:18:59.660
you developed what's called

367
00:18:59.660 --> 00:19:02.620
the Karpman Triangle drama triangle.

368
00:19:02.620 --> 00:19:04.460
So your way to cope.

369
00:19:04.460 --> 00:19:07.580
So when we have no boundaries or unhealthy boundaries

370
00:19:07.580 --> 00:19:09.980
or damaged boundaries growing up,

371
00:19:09.980 --> 00:19:11.820
we had to survive.

372
00:19:11.820 --> 00:19:14.820
So some of the way we learned how to survive

373
00:19:14.820 --> 00:19:16.020
kept us alive.

374
00:19:16.020 --> 00:19:18.100
So we need to hold grace for ourselves.

375
00:19:18.100 --> 00:19:20.020
So I'm gonna describe one of,

376
00:19:20.020 --> 00:19:22.260
I'm gonna describe three characteristics

377
00:19:22.260 --> 00:19:23.940
that you typically fall into

378
00:19:23.940 --> 00:19:25.820
and you can travel through all of them yourself,

379
00:19:25.820 --> 00:19:27.820
but you may have one sweet spot.

380
00:19:27.820 --> 00:19:29.380
So if you are one of them

381
00:19:29.380 --> 00:19:31.620
and it got you here and you're still alive,

382
00:19:31.620 --> 00:19:33.460
I want you to give yourself some grace.

383
00:19:33.460 --> 00:19:36.500
So this may not be how you wanna operate anymore,

384
00:19:36.500 --> 00:19:38.820
but I want you to be super kind

385
00:19:38.820 --> 00:19:42.300
to the person that used this skill to stay alive,

386
00:19:42.300 --> 00:19:43.940
if that makes sense.

387
00:19:43.940 --> 00:19:45.500
So in the drama triangle,

388
00:19:45.540 --> 00:19:50.100
you have the persecutor, the controller, the narcissist.

389
00:19:50.100 --> 00:19:53.260
You have the rescuer, the codependent,

390
00:19:53.260 --> 00:19:55.020
and then you also have the victim.

391
00:19:55.020 --> 00:19:57.860
Now, one person can travel those triangles,

392
00:19:57.860 --> 00:20:00.060
but I'm just gonna describe the three.

393
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:06.640
personality types, and you're going to see, mm, golly, and you might find in your dating

394
00:20:06.640 --> 00:20:11.840
relationships you're one, but like in your family relationships, you're another.

395
00:20:11.840 --> 00:20:13.960
And in your work relationships, you're another.

396
00:20:13.960 --> 00:20:18.040
So this doesn't mean you are this in all situations.

397
00:20:18.040 --> 00:20:21.240
So let's talk about the victim or the blamer.

398
00:20:21.240 --> 00:20:26.720
Y'all, like I'm pretty sure the guy I just dated started vacillating between controller,

399
00:20:26.720 --> 00:20:27.960
narcissist, and victim.

400
00:20:27.960 --> 00:20:30.560
He just went back and forth, back and forth on that.

401
00:20:30.560 --> 00:20:35.720
And so I became very aware of it as I was watching it start to unfold.

402
00:20:35.720 --> 00:20:39.040
Victims, they want everybody to take care of them.

403
00:20:39.040 --> 00:20:43.000
They won't take responsibility for their mess or their mistakes.

404
00:20:43.000 --> 00:20:44.720
They are not reliable.

405
00:20:44.720 --> 00:20:46.800
They will take, take, and take.

406
00:20:46.800 --> 00:20:50.320
They will complain that other people don't take them seriously.

407
00:20:50.320 --> 00:20:56.020
They will continually resort to blaming others and even God for their trauma and their drama.

408
00:20:56.080 --> 00:21:01.220
So this is like, if you're dating this guy, he will blame the ex-wife, the family, the

409
00:21:01.220 --> 00:21:02.420
employer.

410
00:21:02.420 --> 00:21:03.980
It's never his fault.

411
00:21:03.980 --> 00:21:08.140
It's always somebody else's fault and he's always, you know, everything bad happened

412
00:21:08.140 --> 00:21:09.140
to them.

413
00:21:09.140 --> 00:21:13.900
When we go into the blaming game, blaming squashes empathy.

414
00:21:13.900 --> 00:21:19.820
So a person who plays the victim actually has a hard time having empathy for other people

415
00:21:19.820 --> 00:21:23.460
because from their viewpoint, they're always the one getting hurt.

416
00:21:23.460 --> 00:21:25.360
They're always the one getting injured.

417
00:21:25.360 --> 00:21:29.040
So they don't even know how to see things from somebody else's point of view, which

418
00:21:29.040 --> 00:21:34.040
is what you need to have empathy for somebody.

419
00:21:34.040 --> 00:21:36.760
Victims put the focus on the other person.

420
00:21:36.760 --> 00:21:40.560
It's their fault without looking at anything internally.

421
00:21:40.560 --> 00:21:43.880
Blame blocks vulnerability and real connection.

422
00:21:43.880 --> 00:21:46.080
So they're desperate for vulnerability.

423
00:21:46.080 --> 00:21:51.320
They're desperate for connection, which is why a lot of victims will sexually attract

424
00:21:51.320 --> 00:21:56.740
faster because they don't know how to emotionally attract and connect.

425
00:21:56.740 --> 00:21:58.920
So that's the victim.

426
00:21:58.920 --> 00:22:04.760
The codependent, the rescuer, we, this is like, I'm like the queen Cody here.

427
00:22:04.760 --> 00:22:08.600
And I don't say this, you guys, we can be sometimes called the hero, the rescuer, or

428
00:22:08.600 --> 00:22:12.420
the codependent, but this one is equally unhealthy.

429
00:22:12.420 --> 00:22:13.420
It just looks different.

430
00:22:13.420 --> 00:22:15.720
It's just prettier on the outside.

431
00:22:15.720 --> 00:22:20.160
We tend to feel responsible for others.

432
00:22:20.160 --> 00:22:23.740
So we try to fix, protect, rescue.

433
00:22:23.740 --> 00:22:26.840
We don't listen, carry other people's feelings.

434
00:22:26.840 --> 00:22:28.940
We sometimes control.

435
00:22:28.940 --> 00:22:31.980
We are usually tired, anxious, and fearful.

436
00:22:31.980 --> 00:22:34.300
We are concerned with solutions and answers.

437
00:22:34.300 --> 00:22:35.760
We like to perform.

438
00:22:35.760 --> 00:22:37.760
We like to be right.

439
00:22:37.760 --> 00:22:40.440
Here's the hard word to hear with codependents.

440
00:22:40.440 --> 00:22:46.140
You will manipulate others or situations to control them.

441
00:22:46.140 --> 00:22:50.820
So you feel better or safe, or you become the hero.

442
00:22:50.820 --> 00:22:56.260
Like I know if I do something for Tiffany and I do all this stuff, I'm going to help

443
00:22:56.260 --> 00:22:58.200
Tiffany feel amazing.

444
00:22:58.200 --> 00:23:01.620
Tiffany's going to tell me how great I am and that's what's going to make me feel better

445
00:23:01.620 --> 00:23:03.000
about myself.

446
00:23:03.000 --> 00:23:08.260
So we have to decide, am I being altruistic with my motive there?

447
00:23:08.260 --> 00:23:13.220
So if I'm about to go cook for somebody, go do something for somebody, am I doing it because

448
00:23:13.220 --> 00:23:15.100
I need a fix?

449
00:23:15.100 --> 00:23:19.380
I need them to make me feel better, or am I willing to do something for them even if

450
00:23:19.380 --> 00:23:22.460
they don't say thank you?

451
00:23:22.460 --> 00:23:28.740
Now the difference is you can still be a caring, giving, nurturing person and generous with

452
00:23:28.740 --> 00:23:33.060
your time, talents, and treasures because you know how to do empathy.

453
00:23:33.060 --> 00:23:35.980
So you feel responsible to people.

454
00:23:35.980 --> 00:23:37.220
You show empathy.

455
00:23:37.220 --> 00:23:38.220
You encourage.

456
00:23:38.220 --> 00:23:39.220
You confront.

457
00:23:39.220 --> 00:23:40.220
You share.

458
00:23:40.220 --> 00:23:42.360
You listen to hear and not respond.

459
00:23:42.360 --> 00:23:43.360
You're relaxed.

460
00:23:43.360 --> 00:23:44.360
You're aware.

461
00:23:44.620 --> 00:23:45.620
You're reliable.

462
00:23:45.620 --> 00:23:51.800
You relate to people and you feel your own feels and you expect other people to be responsible

463
00:23:51.800 --> 00:23:56.600
for themselves so they don't take your advice, don't do what you think they should do.

464
00:23:56.600 --> 00:23:57.800
You're okay.

465
00:23:57.800 --> 00:24:02.600
Now so for some of us, if you're like, if you would admit that you're a highly empathetic

466
00:24:02.600 --> 00:24:07.360
person, like I'm very high in the empathy scale, but I also own that I'm very high on

467
00:24:07.360 --> 00:24:08.760
the codependent scale.

468
00:24:08.760 --> 00:24:10.760
So it's like a balance beam, right?

469
00:24:10.760 --> 00:24:12.840
Think about, I think it's what, four or six inches.

470
00:24:12.840 --> 00:24:15.080
That's the distance of a balance beam.

471
00:24:15.080 --> 00:24:18.320
So empathy is on one side, codependence on the other side.

472
00:24:18.320 --> 00:24:25.440
So balancing that wonderful, amazing gift of empathy, healthy, allows us to not topple

473
00:24:25.440 --> 00:24:27.600
over into codependency.

474
00:24:27.600 --> 00:24:28.920
Okay.

475
00:24:28.920 --> 00:24:30.620
So then now is like the aggressive.

476
00:24:30.620 --> 00:24:36.880
So now we got the controller, the victimizer, and there's two ways this person comes out.

477
00:24:36.880 --> 00:24:41.600
There is the aggressive controller, which is a much more obvious person to see.

478
00:24:41.600 --> 00:24:48.840
And then there's what's called either the manipulative controller or passive controller.

479
00:24:48.840 --> 00:24:51.920
And so those are much more harder to listen to.

480
00:24:51.920 --> 00:24:54.520
So aggressive ones, they do not listen.

481
00:24:54.520 --> 00:24:56.800
They tend to run over people.

482
00:24:56.800 --> 00:24:58.880
They neglect their own responsibilities.

483
00:24:58.880 --> 00:25:00.000
So kind of similar to the victimizer.

484
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:02.820
victim, they neglect their own responsibilities.

485
00:25:02.820 --> 00:25:05.180
They don't accept other people as they are,

486
00:25:05.180 --> 00:25:07.300
they're constantly trying to change them.

487
00:25:09.060 --> 00:25:11.400
Now they can slip into this manipulative.

488
00:25:11.400 --> 00:25:15.180
They persuade people away from their boundaries.

489
00:25:15.180 --> 00:25:19.660
They woo and talk other people into a yes.

490
00:25:19.660 --> 00:25:21.180
Now you may have dated this guy.

491
00:25:21.180 --> 00:25:24.700
I've had men woo me away from my boundaries.

492
00:25:24.700 --> 00:25:27.740
They indirectly manipulate the situation

493
00:25:27.740 --> 00:25:30.740
to stack the decks towards their yes.

494
00:25:30.740 --> 00:25:32.780
They seduce.

495
00:25:32.780 --> 00:25:35.060
So those are the three areas

496
00:25:35.060 --> 00:25:38.900
that you probably have fallen into, or you've dated,

497
00:25:38.900 --> 00:25:40.340
and that is a sure sign.

498
00:25:40.340 --> 00:25:43.180
If one of those connected with you,

499
00:25:43.180 --> 00:25:45.380
it's a sure sign that somewhere growing up,

500
00:25:45.380 --> 00:25:47.980
your boundaries were kind of messed up.

501
00:25:47.980 --> 00:25:50.100
So we wanna be able to say,

502
00:25:50.100 --> 00:25:54.140
with all this healthy phase one heartwork that you did,

503
00:25:54.140 --> 00:25:56.340
you're like, okay, God has healed me.

504
00:25:56.340 --> 00:25:57.420
God is growing me.

505
00:25:57.420 --> 00:26:00.420
It is now time to look at what healthy boundaries

506
00:26:00.420 --> 00:26:03.600
can look at, and we're gonna kind of continue to do that.

507
00:26:03.600 --> 00:26:06.100
One of the simplest, what's simplest?

508
00:26:06.100 --> 00:26:08.740
One of the first thing that you have to learn how to do

509
00:26:08.740 --> 00:26:12.020
in setting good boundaries is have healthy confrontation.

510
00:26:12.020 --> 00:26:13.740
Now, how many of you just kind of vomited

511
00:26:13.740 --> 00:26:16.220
even hearing that word healthy confrontation, right?

512
00:26:16.220 --> 00:26:17.980
You're just like, oh, well,

513
00:26:17.980 --> 00:26:20.860
because healthy confrontation doesn't mean

514
00:26:20.860 --> 00:26:24.200
I have to yell at you and get all up in your grill

515
00:26:24.200 --> 00:26:28.640
that is not healthy confrontation.

516
00:26:28.640 --> 00:26:32.340
And by the way, I will look in the chat in just a minute.

517
00:26:36.080 --> 00:26:37.580
I will answer that dating question later

518
00:26:37.580 --> 00:26:39.680
when we get to the questions.

519
00:26:39.680 --> 00:26:41.560
Okay, so healthy confrontation.

520
00:26:41.560 --> 00:26:43.560
You guys, I could spend eight hours teaching you

521
00:26:43.560 --> 00:26:44.820
on healthy confrontation.

522
00:26:44.820 --> 00:26:48.000
Go watch the video, but here's my cheat sheet list for you.

523
00:26:48.000 --> 00:26:49.380
Cheat sheet list for you.

524
00:26:49.380 --> 00:26:53.140
When you have to confront somebody, don't raise your voice.

525
00:26:54.140 --> 00:26:56.000
And don't invade their space.

526
00:26:57.380 --> 00:26:58.960
You don't need to be big.

527
00:26:59.860 --> 00:27:02.420
So, you know, like I'm a little Italian girl, right?

528
00:27:02.420 --> 00:27:04.060
So like, I mean, I know how to get all up

529
00:27:04.060 --> 00:27:06.340
in someone's grill, even at my size, right?

530
00:27:06.340 --> 00:27:10.940
Like, okay, so the first thing I need to do

531
00:27:10.940 --> 00:27:13.060
is take off my cheerleading voice,

532
00:27:13.060 --> 00:27:14.500
because I know how to project my voice

533
00:27:14.500 --> 00:27:17.060
without a microphone across the football field.

534
00:27:17.060 --> 00:27:18.080
So the first thing I have to do

535
00:27:18.080 --> 00:27:21.900
when I do healthy confrontation is I have to lower my voice.

536
00:27:21.940 --> 00:27:24.340
And I have to make sure I sometimes I sit back,

537
00:27:24.340 --> 00:27:25.540
because like when I'm all excited,

538
00:27:25.540 --> 00:27:28.460
I come in and I lean in and I get all excited.

539
00:27:28.460 --> 00:27:29.820
So I have to sit back.

540
00:27:29.820 --> 00:27:31.060
So sometimes in my office,

541
00:27:31.060 --> 00:27:32.340
when I used to do this with my staff,

542
00:27:32.340 --> 00:27:34.300
I had a couch and a chair,

543
00:27:34.300 --> 00:27:36.640
and I would purposely sit in the chair.

544
00:27:36.640 --> 00:27:38.860
I would put my feet up on the coffee table

545
00:27:38.860 --> 00:27:41.260
and I would slouch my posture.

546
00:27:41.260 --> 00:27:46.060
I would literally create a posture that said, let's be,

547
00:27:47.540 --> 00:27:49.500
is boundaries video back?

548
00:27:49.500 --> 00:27:50.780
Oh, it should be.

549
00:27:50.780 --> 00:27:53.180
Oh, Carrie, oh my gosh.

550
00:27:53.180 --> 00:27:54.460
I know everybody else was watching it.

551
00:27:54.460 --> 00:27:56.540
I'll make sure the boundaries video is in there,

552
00:27:56.540 --> 00:27:58.540
that the boundaries video is part of phase two.

553
00:27:58.540 --> 00:28:00.620
So it 100% needs to be in there.

554
00:28:00.620 --> 00:28:02.100
And as soon as I'm off this call,

555
00:28:02.100 --> 00:28:04.140
I will make sure it's in there.

556
00:28:06.180 --> 00:28:07.860
Oh yeah, Tiffany, I'm a woo too.

557
00:28:07.860 --> 00:28:10.300
That's my number one thing, I'm a woo.

558
00:28:10.300 --> 00:28:11.980
It gets us, it's a wonderful gift

559
00:28:11.980 --> 00:28:14.380
and gets us in trouble at the same time.

560
00:28:14.380 --> 00:28:15.980
Okay, so don't attack.

561
00:28:15.980 --> 00:28:17.660
You don't wanna attack physically.

562
00:28:17.660 --> 00:28:19.940
You don't wanna attack mentally or emotionally.

563
00:28:19.940 --> 00:28:23.140
So this is not the time to throw daggers at people.

564
00:28:23.140 --> 00:28:26.340
This is not the time to use past information

565
00:28:26.340 --> 00:28:28.820
that you've learned as a weapon against them.

566
00:28:28.820 --> 00:28:30.060
And it would be really easy,

567
00:28:30.060 --> 00:28:32.140
but oh, this is why your wife left you.

568
00:28:32.140 --> 00:28:33.280
Oh, da, da, da.

569
00:28:33.280 --> 00:28:37.220
Like we don't wanna throw an attack at them just like,

570
00:28:37.220 --> 00:28:39.060
so put down the ax.

571
00:28:39.940 --> 00:28:41.020
Don't blame.

572
00:28:41.020 --> 00:28:43.340
Healthy confrontation does include blaming.

573
00:28:44.420 --> 00:28:47.100
Speak in a manner that invites them in.

574
00:28:47.100 --> 00:28:49.000
They need to feel safe.

575
00:28:49.000 --> 00:28:51.500
I even have this sticker for this next one.

576
00:28:51.500 --> 00:28:56.120
It's called SLS, slower, lower, softer.

577
00:28:56.120 --> 00:28:58.920
So your voice needs to come in slower.

578
00:28:58.920 --> 00:29:00.720
You need to lower your voice

579
00:29:00.720 --> 00:29:02.760
and you need to go a little softer with your voice.

580
00:29:02.760 --> 00:29:06.520
So slower, lower, softer is always a great way.

581
00:29:06.520 --> 00:29:10.880
And if someone is coming at you, yelling and screaming,

582
00:29:10.880 --> 00:29:14.180
and they're confronting you unsafe, you back up.

583
00:29:15.180 --> 00:29:16.020
Sss, aah.

584
00:29:18.780 --> 00:29:20.940
Take a long breath and do it in front of them.

585
00:29:20.940 --> 00:29:22.380
It will force them to do that.

586
00:29:22.380 --> 00:29:24.220
How many of you just took a breath with me?

587
00:29:24.220 --> 00:29:25.060
Sss, aah.

588
00:29:29.760 --> 00:29:32.380
You control when you respond.

589
00:29:32.380 --> 00:29:35.940
And you can choose to come back to someone yelling at you.

590
00:29:35.940 --> 00:29:39.680
Slower, lower, softer.

591
00:29:40.740 --> 00:29:43.460
And you can keep holding space

592
00:29:43.460 --> 00:29:45.900
and you're gonna keep taking a step back.

593
00:29:45.900 --> 00:29:47.740
And if they're coming at you,

594
00:29:47.740 --> 00:29:49.780
you can just put up your hand and say,

595
00:29:51.420 --> 00:29:53.460
this conversation is over.

596
00:29:53.460 --> 00:29:55.780
And so we can both come back

597
00:29:55.780 --> 00:29:58.180
without so much energy in the space.

598
00:29:58.180 --> 00:30:00.580
Cause I really want to hear what you have to say.

599
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:06.360
I'm sure it's really valuable and really important, but right now there's not safe space.

600
00:30:06.360 --> 00:30:09.780
So we're going to put a pin in it and we're going to come back.

601
00:30:09.780 --> 00:30:14.440
And so if you have to stop a healthy confrontation, you need to be willing to say, we're going

602
00:30:14.440 --> 00:30:15.880
to put a pin in it.

603
00:30:15.880 --> 00:30:18.460
Let's come back tomorrow morning at 10.

604
00:30:18.460 --> 00:30:20.920
You have to tell them when you're willing to come back.

605
00:30:20.920 --> 00:30:25.560
You don't just want to say, I need you to come back when you've cooled down.

606
00:30:25.560 --> 00:30:27.800
Give them the night, give them a few hours.

607
00:30:27.800 --> 00:30:30.640
We're going to come back in a few hours.

608
00:30:30.640 --> 00:30:32.240
Let's come back at three o'clock.

609
00:30:32.240 --> 00:30:33.240
Okay.

610
00:30:33.240 --> 00:30:34.480
Let's come back at three o'clock.

611
00:30:34.480 --> 00:30:39.840
So it's validating what they're trying to tell you that they're so passionate about,

612
00:30:39.840 --> 00:30:42.280
but you're letting them know that that's your boundary.

613
00:30:42.280 --> 00:30:47.640
Your boundary is you're only going to do healthy confrontation for it to be safe for both people.

614
00:30:47.640 --> 00:30:51.880
So whether you're the yellower, you are the yeller or the screamer, or you're the one

615
00:30:51.880 --> 00:30:54.040
on the receiving end of it.

616
00:30:54.040 --> 00:30:58.360
That's how you have healthy boundaries with healthy conversation.

617
00:30:58.360 --> 00:31:01.320
Here are some key things you need to make sure that you're paying attention to when

618
00:31:01.320 --> 00:31:03.840
you have healthy confrontation.

619
00:31:03.840 --> 00:31:06.160
Lean into the negative emotions that come up.

620
00:31:06.160 --> 00:31:09.160
It's really awkward, but you have to lean into it.

621
00:31:09.160 --> 00:31:11.360
Be willing to have the tough conversations.

622
00:31:11.360 --> 00:31:15.800
You guys healthy confrontations really hard, but no marriage will survive without healthy

623
00:31:15.800 --> 00:31:17.840
confrontation.

624
00:31:17.840 --> 00:31:20.360
Learn how to really listen and listening.

625
00:31:20.360 --> 00:31:25.240
I mean, listen to hear and not listen to respond.

626
00:31:25.240 --> 00:31:31.000
Do not try to get your self-worth based on the outcome of this conversation.

627
00:31:31.000 --> 00:31:36.040
So that person that you're having a confrontation with, they cannot be defining your self-worth

628
00:31:36.040 --> 00:31:41.760
or else you're going to go in there with too much, too much at stake.

629
00:31:41.760 --> 00:31:45.520
And then five, just be willing to be curious.

630
00:31:45.520 --> 00:31:46.560
I'm curious.

631
00:31:46.560 --> 00:31:51.240
Tell me more is a great way to have dialogue in a healthy conversation.

632
00:31:51.240 --> 00:31:55.600
It's a way softer way than just saying why, why, why.

633
00:31:55.600 --> 00:31:56.720
I'm curious.

634
00:31:56.720 --> 00:31:57.960
Tell me more.

635
00:31:57.960 --> 00:31:58.960
I'm curious.

636
00:31:58.960 --> 00:31:59.960
Tell me more.

637
00:31:59.960 --> 00:32:01.760
That's a great way to ask that.

638
00:32:01.760 --> 00:32:05.560
The way that I know that I am better able to do boundaries.

639
00:32:05.560 --> 00:32:10.780
Now some of you guys might say, I'm really good at doing boundaries except when.

640
00:32:10.780 --> 00:32:13.600
So this is usually when the except when is.

641
00:32:13.680 --> 00:32:17.120
I always say, keep your pies and your habits in order.

642
00:32:17.120 --> 00:32:19.080
So pies and habits are an acronym.

643
00:32:19.080 --> 00:32:23.080
Again, this is in the handout, but you can write it down now if you're like super excited

644
00:32:23.080 --> 00:32:24.080
about it.

645
00:32:24.080 --> 00:32:25.960
Get your pies in order.

646
00:32:25.960 --> 00:32:31.160
Make sure that you have safe physical boundaries, that you are taking care of your food, you're

647
00:32:31.160 --> 00:32:32.680
moving and your healthcare.

648
00:32:32.680 --> 00:32:34.040
So are you healthy?

649
00:32:34.040 --> 00:32:36.120
Are you physically healthy?

650
00:32:36.120 --> 00:32:40.680
If you're under the weather, if you're not eating, you're not moving, you're not sleeping,

651
00:32:40.680 --> 00:32:44.040
you're just not going to show up with your best self physical.

652
00:32:44.040 --> 00:32:46.840
I stands for intellectual.

653
00:32:46.840 --> 00:32:48.120
Do you have brain fog?

654
00:32:48.120 --> 00:32:49.640
Are you having a headache?

655
00:32:49.640 --> 00:32:50.760
Are you teachable?

656
00:32:50.760 --> 00:32:52.600
Do you have a learning spirit?

657
00:32:52.600 --> 00:32:54.680
That's I. Emotional.

658
00:32:54.680 --> 00:32:59.400
How are you handling stress, workload, schedule, time, your capacity, your emotions.

659
00:32:59.400 --> 00:33:04.080
If your emotions are all over the place, not a safe time to manage your boundaries.

660
00:33:04.080 --> 00:33:06.060
And then of course, spiritual.

661
00:33:06.060 --> 00:33:07.980
Are you getting your alone time with God?

662
00:33:07.980 --> 00:33:08.980
Are you worshiping?

663
00:33:08.980 --> 00:33:09.980
Are you in the word?

664
00:33:10.280 --> 00:33:11.360
Are you in discipleship?

665
00:33:11.360 --> 00:33:12.960
Are you in corporate community?

666
00:33:12.960 --> 00:33:15.140
And are you serving the kingdom?

667
00:33:15.140 --> 00:33:19.420
So if your pies are not in order, if your physical body, intellectual body, emotional

668
00:33:19.420 --> 00:33:24.340
body and spiritual body is unhealthy, you will blow your boundaries.

669
00:33:24.340 --> 00:33:28.820
So instead of trying to get better at your boundaries, fix your pies.

670
00:33:28.820 --> 00:33:30.060
Does that make sense?

671
00:33:30.060 --> 00:33:33.260
Get better at your, get better at your pies first.

672
00:33:33.260 --> 00:33:36.820
Um, okay.

673
00:33:36.820 --> 00:33:37.860
And now your habits.

674
00:33:37.860 --> 00:33:38.860
So healthy habits.

675
00:33:38.860 --> 00:33:39.860
Okay.

676
00:33:39.860 --> 00:33:44.180
You're like, all right, my pies seem in order, but Renee, I'm still sucking at my boundaries.

677
00:33:44.180 --> 00:33:54.140
So habits, H stands for hungry, A stands for angry, B stands for bored, I stands for isolated,

678
00:33:54.140 --> 00:33:57.620
T stands for tired and S stands for stress.

679
00:33:57.620 --> 00:34:02.300
So are you hungry, angry, bored, isolate, tired, or stress?

680
00:34:02.300 --> 00:34:07.100
If you are one of those, you will struggle with your boundaries.

681
00:34:07.100 --> 00:34:10.340
And then of course, boundaries in dating, and this is the last thing I'm going to say

682
00:34:10.340 --> 00:34:11.940
about boundaries.

683
00:34:11.940 --> 00:34:17.699
Level two dating, when you are texting, talking on the phone, video dating, and those first

684
00:34:17.699 --> 00:34:23.420
handful of dates, I really want you to pay attention to your physical boundaries, your

685
00:34:23.420 --> 00:34:26.699
spiritual boundaries, and your emotional boundaries.

686
00:34:26.699 --> 00:34:30.659
You want to make sure what you are willing and not willing to do is somebody who might

687
00:34:30.659 --> 00:34:34.699
be dating other people who are not committed yet to you.

688
00:34:34.699 --> 00:34:37.260
It's different for level two and level three.

689
00:34:37.260 --> 00:34:42.500
And you guys, this goes with, for all of your relationships, not just your dating relationships.

690
00:34:42.500 --> 00:34:45.060
Has anybody ever had their boundary busted from another female?

691
00:34:45.060 --> 00:34:47.340
I mean, I have, right?

692
00:34:47.340 --> 00:34:49.179
Like I've let women take advantage of me.

693
00:34:49.179 --> 00:34:51.020
I've let bosses take advantage of me.

694
00:34:51.020 --> 00:34:54.820
I've let pastors take, not physically take advantage of me, but you know what I'm saying?

695
00:34:54.820 --> 00:34:59.380
So you guys, we have to practice these boundaries with all of the relationships.

696
00:34:59.380 --> 00:34:59.900
We are in level.

697
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:05.440
one, two, and three relationships with a lot of different people in a lot of different formats.

698
00:35:05.440 --> 00:35:11.520
And so we've got to practice healthy boundaries. So these are your questions I'm going to send you

699
00:35:11.520 --> 00:35:18.480
into your breakout with. Because these are such personal questions, I'm just going to pair you up

700
00:35:18.480 --> 00:35:25.200
with one other person. One of you may be in a group of three and I'll make sure, oh my gosh,

701
00:35:25.280 --> 00:35:30.960
we have 20 people. I'm so excited by that. And so one group's going to have three,

702
00:35:30.960 --> 00:35:35.280
so I'm going to make sure you guys have 12 minutes, three minutes per question. Let's see.

703
00:35:36.880 --> 00:35:40.560
Well, try to, I'm going to give you like, I'm going to give you like,

704
00:35:42.160 --> 00:35:46.640
maybe I'll give you like 13 minutes, 13, 14 minutes. So here's the three questions. If you

705
00:35:46.640 --> 00:35:52.560
don't get through all of them, it is okay. So the first question is what type of boundary do

706
00:35:52.560 --> 00:35:58.560
you struggle with the most? Is it physical boundaries, emotional or spiritual? And you

707
00:35:58.560 --> 00:36:02.560
guys, spiritual boundaries are a real thing. Like sometimes you can get like, oh my gosh,

708
00:36:02.560 --> 00:36:07.600
we, we pray together and I felt so intimate with him and like he laid hands on me and I went to a

709
00:36:07.600 --> 00:36:12.320
healing service with him. So it can happen spiritually. So what type of boundaries do

710
00:36:12.320 --> 00:36:18.160
you struggle with the most? And then what area of your life do you struggle the most with boundaries?

711
00:36:18.160 --> 00:36:24.000
Is it with dating, family, friends, work, or church? And I've got this typed. So I'm going

712
00:36:24.000 --> 00:36:32.160
to go ahead and cut this and cut and paste this in here. So you can, if you want, you can take

713
00:36:32.160 --> 00:36:39.920
a screenshot of this with your computer or with your cell phone. And so you can go ahead and do

714
00:36:39.920 --> 00:36:44.000
that. So right here now, so there's three questions. If you don't get to all of them,

715
00:36:44.000 --> 00:36:48.000
you don't get to all of them, but do you struggle with physical, emotional, or spiritual?

716
00:36:48.000 --> 00:36:53.200
What area of your life do you struggle? And I talked about that scale. Which one do you tend

717
00:36:53.200 --> 00:36:57.920
to go to when you're feeling the most unhealthy in that cycle? And remember what's said in that

718
00:36:57.920 --> 00:37:09.440
group stays in the group. So I'm going to go ahead and open up to get you in. Wait,

719
00:37:09.440 --> 00:37:17.920
why is it not showing me? Hold on. The breakout rooms. Here we go. Breakout rooms.

720
00:37:24.880 --> 00:37:34.240
Okay. All right. I will put a message in the thing when you'll come back,

721
00:37:34.240 --> 00:37:35.440
but I'll see about a quarter of.

722
00:37:52.080 --> 00:37:59.440
Carrie and Emily, you guys both are not going. So let me see who's not showing up. I'm going to

723
00:37:59.440 --> 00:38:21.840
move her to there. And who else might be alone? I'm just going to make sure I've got everybody.

724
00:38:59.760 --> 00:39:03.520
Okay. So you've just come back from your break. And so if you're watching this in replay,

725
00:39:04.880 --> 00:39:09.520
I hope that you take the time to answer those questions. And I'm going to encourage all of

726
00:39:09.520 --> 00:39:15.680
you to be thinking about this throughout the week. And maybe even feel free to write a post

727
00:39:15.680 --> 00:39:21.040
about this. What types of boundaries do you struggle with the most? Is it physical, intimacy,

728
00:39:21.040 --> 00:39:25.920
emotional, spiritual? What area of your life do you struggle the most? Is it dating, family,

729
00:39:25.920 --> 00:39:31.520
friends, work in church? And then where did you find that you connected with most in the healthy

730
00:39:31.520 --> 00:39:35.520
cycle? Do you find that you become the controller, the victim, or the rescuer?

731
00:39:36.480 --> 00:39:41.040
All of them have. And here's the thing. We go to them, you guys, because they all have a benefit.

732
00:39:41.040 --> 00:39:45.360
They all have a gain or else we wouldn't do it. Right? So there's an allure to all of them.

733
00:39:46.160 --> 00:39:51.760
And so those are kind of your activations. And so now I'm opening the floor for any questions,

734
00:39:51.760 --> 00:39:56.240
either on the teaching, on any of the videos that you've watched up until now,

735
00:39:56.240 --> 00:39:59.840
or on dating or your non-dating life.

736
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:02.080
The floor is open.

737
00:40:02.080 --> 00:40:03.520
So just raise your avatar hand.

738
00:40:03.520 --> 00:40:04.680
Stephanie, you're up.

739
00:40:07.960 --> 00:40:12.960
Okay, so I have been trying to like be more open

740
00:40:13.840 --> 00:40:18.840
with whose profiles I like and just be less choosy.

741
00:40:20.440 --> 00:40:23.080
And I know you said like online dating

742
00:40:23.080 --> 00:40:24.920
can be like feast or famine.

743
00:40:24.920 --> 00:40:26.800
And I'm at the point where it's like,

744
00:40:26.880 --> 00:40:31.200
okay, all of a sudden I have like 10 conversations going

745
00:40:31.200 --> 00:40:33.720
and I'm just very overwhelmed.

746
00:40:33.720 --> 00:40:36.120
And now I'm like, okay, I don't even know

747
00:40:36.120 --> 00:40:38.880
if I like wanna set up a phone call.

748
00:40:38.880 --> 00:40:41.020
And is that just because I'm overwhelmed

749
00:40:41.020 --> 00:40:44.200
or should I be a little more choosy?

750
00:40:44.200 --> 00:40:46.560
Well, so here's what I do when I get,

751
00:40:46.560 --> 00:40:47.520
cause it is, right?

752
00:40:47.520 --> 00:40:51.120
Like the first thing I'll do is pause the app

753
00:40:51.120 --> 00:40:53.360
so it doesn't send me any more matches.

754
00:40:53.360 --> 00:40:56.540
So it's like, if I'm trying to talk to eight or 10 guys,

755
00:40:57.420 --> 00:41:01.740
so then what I also try to do is move very quickly

756
00:41:01.740 --> 00:41:03.640
to a video chat with them.

757
00:41:03.640 --> 00:41:06.220
That's how you're gonna read them out.

758
00:41:06.220 --> 00:41:08.020
Because right now with the texting,

759
00:41:08.020 --> 00:41:09.540
you're gonna be like,

760
00:41:09.540 --> 00:41:12.360
so I help further along the conversation.

761
00:41:12.360 --> 00:41:15.240
So I'll say, so even if like kids that know what to say,

762
00:41:15.240 --> 00:41:18.340
I'll say like, hey, tell me a little bit more about you.

763
00:41:18.340 --> 00:41:20.200
Let me tell you about myself first.

764
00:41:20.200 --> 00:41:23.460
And then I'll kind of summarize all the things about me

765
00:41:23.460 --> 00:41:26.380
I'm willing for any stranger to know about me.

766
00:41:27.220 --> 00:41:28.300
Like, oh my gosh, I love to cook.

767
00:41:28.300 --> 00:41:29.380
I love hiking.

768
00:41:29.380 --> 00:41:31.180
I love live theater.

769
00:41:31.180 --> 00:41:32.700
I love college sports.

770
00:41:32.700 --> 00:41:34.980
I'm really active in my church.

771
00:41:34.980 --> 00:41:36.740
And I like volunteering.

772
00:41:36.740 --> 00:41:37.860
I'll kind of run through it.

773
00:41:37.860 --> 00:41:38.920
How about you?

774
00:41:38.920 --> 00:41:40.160
And I let them do that.

775
00:41:40.160 --> 00:41:43.380
So I kind of try to force that conversation going along.

776
00:41:43.380 --> 00:41:45.420
And then I try to say, look, you know what?

777
00:41:45.420 --> 00:41:47.660
I have to be honest, I really hate texting.

778
00:41:47.660 --> 00:41:49.900
I don't find it to be a great form of communication

779
00:41:49.900 --> 00:41:51.540
to get to know somebody.

780
00:41:51.540 --> 00:41:53.540
And I'm really looking to dating in real life.

781
00:41:53.540 --> 00:41:56.740
Would you be open to a 15 minute chat, video chat?

782
00:41:56.740 --> 00:42:00.580
Would you be open to a 15 minute video chat?

783
00:42:00.580 --> 00:42:03.800
Just a quick chat so we can kind of get on camera

784
00:42:03.800 --> 00:42:05.880
and see and hear each other.

785
00:42:05.880 --> 00:42:09.620
And if they are not willing to do that with me,

786
00:42:09.620 --> 00:42:12.340
since I have the luxury that I've got 10 guys

787
00:42:12.340 --> 00:42:15.940
that I'm talking to, if I've got the luxury and he says,

788
00:42:15.940 --> 00:42:18.340
yeah, I'm just, I don't like video dating.

789
00:42:18.340 --> 00:42:20.620
It's so like, that'll feel like a job interview.

790
00:42:20.620 --> 00:42:23.540
And I say, I know it's a really clunky way,

791
00:42:23.540 --> 00:42:27.260
but it's a great, easy way for us to very quickly.

792
00:42:27.260 --> 00:42:29.520
Well, I'd rather just meet in person.

793
00:42:29.520 --> 00:42:30.360
You know what?

794
00:42:30.360 --> 00:42:31.180
I really, you know what?

795
00:42:31.180 --> 00:42:32.940
I don't have a lot of time this week

796
00:42:32.940 --> 00:42:37.240
to actually book a whole visit, but I do have 15 minutes.

797
00:42:37.240 --> 00:42:40.500
And if they don't want to, or they don't wanna do a video,

798
00:42:40.500 --> 00:42:41.900
then I just be like, well, then, you know,

799
00:42:41.900 --> 00:42:43.180
I really wish you the very best.

800
00:42:43.180 --> 00:42:45.860
Cause my guy is gonna be okay with that.

801
00:42:45.860 --> 00:42:48.720
Whoever my guy is, he's gonna be okay with that.

802
00:42:48.720 --> 00:42:51.160
Or I just stop and just say, well, you know,

803
00:42:51.160 --> 00:42:53.320
or I might say, you know what?

804
00:42:53.320 --> 00:42:55.720
Then why don't you get back in touch with me

805
00:42:56.600 --> 00:42:59.680
when you do have time to book that video date?

806
00:42:59.680 --> 00:43:01.400
And then I just talked to the other eight

807
00:43:01.400 --> 00:43:04.420
and I just stopped answering his text messages.

808
00:43:04.420 --> 00:43:08.280
So that's how I try to quickly weed it down because,

809
00:43:08.280 --> 00:43:09.120
and you're like, well, Renee,

810
00:43:09.120 --> 00:43:10.960
why would you want to book eight video dates?

811
00:43:10.960 --> 00:43:13.280
You won't because all eight of them,

812
00:43:13.280 --> 00:43:15.560
some people will self-select themselves out.

813
00:43:15.560 --> 00:43:17.680
So if they know that those photos that are up

814
00:43:17.680 --> 00:43:20.480
are 15 years old, he's gained a hundred pounds.

815
00:43:20.480 --> 00:43:22.240
He doesn't look like that anymore.

816
00:43:22.240 --> 00:43:24.720
He ain't gonna wanna get on video with you right away.

817
00:43:24.720 --> 00:43:27.160
So he's gonna give you all these excuses.

818
00:43:27.160 --> 00:43:29.540
Or if he's just wants a situationship,

819
00:43:29.540 --> 00:43:31.600
or he's just looking for texting buddies,

820
00:43:31.600 --> 00:43:34.080
he's gonna find, so like he's gonna weed,

821
00:43:34.080 --> 00:43:36.920
so some of those men will weed themselves out.

822
00:43:36.920 --> 00:43:40.320
And you literally book something pretty short.

823
00:43:40.320 --> 00:43:43.800
You block off about 30 minutes in case it's going well.

824
00:43:43.800 --> 00:43:46.120
And you just say like, so you get on at like 12 o'clock.

825
00:43:46.120 --> 00:43:47.320
You're like, all right, you know what?

826
00:43:47.960 --> 00:43:48.960
I have got something at 1230.

827
00:43:48.960 --> 00:43:51.080
So I promised you that we'd keep it quick.

828
00:43:51.080 --> 00:43:53.520
If we have a great time, we can always book another time.

829
00:43:53.520 --> 00:43:55.440
So then at the end of the 15, 20 minutes,

830
00:43:55.440 --> 00:43:56.400
you're like, oh my gosh,

831
00:43:56.400 --> 00:43:57.920
I had so much fun getting to know you.

832
00:43:57.920 --> 00:44:00.520
I'd love to keep talking to you.

833
00:44:00.520 --> 00:44:03.000
I do have to run, like I said, I would.

834
00:44:03.000 --> 00:44:06.440
And so I'll be happy to in the chat

835
00:44:06.440 --> 00:44:07.500
to give you my phone number.

836
00:44:07.500 --> 00:44:09.920
Usually for me, I'm ready.

837
00:44:09.920 --> 00:44:12.520
If I've had a really good video date with them,

838
00:44:12.520 --> 00:44:14.800
I'm pretty ready to give them my phone number after that.

839
00:44:14.800 --> 00:44:16.420
Some people use a Google voice number.

840
00:44:16.460 --> 00:44:18.380
Don't you need to do it if you'll save.

841
00:44:18.380 --> 00:44:20.780
And then I'm willing to, I'm usually ready to,

842
00:44:20.780 --> 00:44:22.900
after I've had a video chat with them,

843
00:44:22.900 --> 00:44:25.340
I mean, I'm usually either ready to say goodbye

844
00:44:25.340 --> 00:44:26.500
to them in the chat,

845
00:44:26.500 --> 00:44:29.100
or I'm ready to move off the chat with them.

846
00:44:29.100 --> 00:44:32.400
And then I then try to book a live date pretty quickly.

847
00:44:32.400 --> 00:44:36.500
So Stephanie, that's how I try to whittle it down fast

848
00:44:36.500 --> 00:44:37.900
when I'm in that.

849
00:44:37.900 --> 00:44:39.460
So you would do a video date

850
00:44:39.460 --> 00:44:42.540
with anyone who's willing, basically.

851
00:44:42.540 --> 00:44:44.980
Anybody who I think has some yeses.

852
00:44:44.980 --> 00:44:46.740
Like I wouldn't even be texting.

853
00:44:46.740 --> 00:44:48.820
So have I picked guys that,

854
00:44:48.820 --> 00:44:51.620
if I've picked a guy that I'm not physically attracted to,

855
00:44:51.620 --> 00:44:53.420
that I would normally not pick,

856
00:44:53.420 --> 00:44:55.260
he's gotta be hitting it out of the park

857
00:44:55.260 --> 00:44:57.140
with all the other things on my list.

858
00:44:57.140 --> 00:45:00.060
He's got an active faith, he lives.

859
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:03.880
in the area, he likes the same things I do.

860
00:45:03.880 --> 00:45:06.720
So I'm kind of eh on the physical attraction.

861
00:45:06.720 --> 00:45:08.720
But if he's a guy that's liked me

862
00:45:08.720 --> 00:45:10.600
and I have not liked any of his answers,

863
00:45:10.600 --> 00:45:12.080
we have nothing in common,

864
00:45:12.080 --> 00:45:13.920
it's clear he's got no faith life

865
00:45:13.920 --> 00:45:16.220
and I'm not attracted to him, no.

866
00:45:16.220 --> 00:45:19.040
Like, no, I'm just done, no.

867
00:45:19.040 --> 00:45:24.040
So I only do the video if I think that there's 75% there.

868
00:45:24.620 --> 00:45:26.120
Like there's something really there.

869
00:45:26.120 --> 00:45:28.200
So if you start texting somebody

870
00:45:28.240 --> 00:45:30.040
and it's very clear, very quickly,

871
00:45:30.040 --> 00:45:32.620
he's not aligned with you and you're not attracted,

872
00:45:32.620 --> 00:45:34.120
you can be like, oh my gosh.

873
00:45:34.120 --> 00:45:36.520
You know, Mark, it was really nice getting to know you.

874
00:45:36.520 --> 00:45:38.340
I don't wanna waste either of our time.

875
00:45:38.340 --> 00:45:40.280
I'm just realizing that I think we both

876
00:45:40.280 --> 00:45:42.360
have some different values and goals and interests

877
00:45:42.360 --> 00:45:44.040
and I really want you to find your person.

878
00:45:44.040 --> 00:45:45.560
It was really nice meeting you.

879
00:45:45.560 --> 00:45:46.840
Thank you so much.

880
00:45:46.840 --> 00:45:48.600
And then you end the conversation.

881
00:45:48.600 --> 00:45:51.040
Okay, that's what I'm trying to figure out.

882
00:45:51.040 --> 00:45:54.160
Like what is me just trying to be more open

883
00:45:54.160 --> 00:45:57.160
and what is like, eh, this probably isn't the best.

884
00:45:57.280 --> 00:45:59.280
You've got to feel the only,

885
00:45:59.280 --> 00:46:00.840
and I'll say this, you guys only go out

886
00:46:00.840 --> 00:46:02.520
on a live date with somebody,

887
00:46:02.520 --> 00:46:03.860
like especially if you're like,

888
00:46:03.860 --> 00:46:06.440
I'm not really feeling the chemistry.

889
00:46:06.440 --> 00:46:08.480
He's gotta have all the other things.

890
00:46:08.480 --> 00:46:09.840
He's just got to,

891
00:46:09.840 --> 00:46:12.880
or else you're really never gonna get there, you know?

892
00:46:12.880 --> 00:46:15.840
And so it's more of a yes than a no.

893
00:46:15.840 --> 00:46:18.740
It's gotta be at least more of a yes than a no.

894
00:46:18.740 --> 00:46:20.680
So yes, I know that you swiped on a lot

895
00:46:20.680 --> 00:46:22.560
to be kind and courteous,

896
00:46:22.560 --> 00:46:24.680
but after two or three text conversations,

897
00:46:24.680 --> 00:46:27.880
you probably know if it's a no and that's okay.

898
00:46:27.880 --> 00:46:28.720
Thank you.

899
00:46:28.720 --> 00:46:29.560
You bet sweetie.

900
00:46:29.560 --> 00:46:30.380
Ruth.

901
00:46:33.000 --> 00:46:34.560
Hi, I was gonna ask one question,

902
00:46:34.560 --> 00:46:37.560
but then I changed my mind to ask another.

903
00:46:37.560 --> 00:46:40.080
So my question is, what is some,

904
00:46:40.080 --> 00:46:43.640
like I was raised without like really being able to,

905
00:46:43.640 --> 00:46:45.080
nobody communicated with me

906
00:46:45.080 --> 00:46:46.960
to how to like have healthy boundaries.

907
00:46:46.960 --> 00:46:48.440
I'm sure that's a common thing

908
00:46:48.440 --> 00:46:50.580
because I feel like it's almost like something

909
00:46:50.580 --> 00:46:52.440
that we're learning as a society now.

910
00:46:54.680 --> 00:46:56.400
So then that teacher was really good for you

911
00:46:56.400 --> 00:46:58.360
and you're really gonna want to dig back into the video,

912
00:46:58.360 --> 00:46:59.720
the longer version of it then.

913
00:46:59.720 --> 00:47:04.720
Yes, so my question is, I am learning to have boundaries

914
00:47:05.800 --> 00:47:09.360
and I've been pretty good with like work-wise,

915
00:47:09.360 --> 00:47:11.080
I'm a nurse, so learning how to have boundaries

916
00:47:11.080 --> 00:47:11.920
with my patients.

917
00:47:13.160 --> 00:47:14.240
Like if they're having a bad day,

918
00:47:14.240 --> 00:47:16.120
it doesn't need to be my bad day.

919
00:47:16.120 --> 00:47:17.720
They can have their own bad day.

920
00:47:18.960 --> 00:47:20.060
And I don't need to fix it.

921
00:47:20.060 --> 00:47:23.000
They can ask me if they need help with something.

922
00:47:23.000 --> 00:47:26.440
However, like dating, I think I freak out

923
00:47:26.440 --> 00:47:28.760
when I need to place a boundary.

924
00:47:28.760 --> 00:47:31.960
And often I don't think I'm harsh with it

925
00:47:31.960 --> 00:47:34.640
because I'm not a harsh person, period.

926
00:47:34.640 --> 00:47:38.360
But I just don't know if I do in a good way

927
00:47:38.360 --> 00:47:39.920
because often I'll either,

928
00:47:39.920 --> 00:47:42.840
or maybe it's just showing who this person is

929
00:47:42.840 --> 00:47:44.560
because I'll often get ghosted up

930
00:47:44.560 --> 00:47:46.000
after I put a boundary down.

931
00:47:46.000 --> 00:47:48.320
So tell me what kind of boundary are you putting up?

932
00:47:48.320 --> 00:47:50.480
Is it a physical boundary or spiritual boundary?

933
00:47:50.480 --> 00:47:52.720
What kind of boundary is it?

934
00:47:53.560 --> 00:47:54.600
It could be all three.

935
00:47:54.600 --> 00:47:56.840
How do you put up the boundary?

936
00:47:56.840 --> 00:47:58.560
Do you tell them ahead of time?

937
00:47:58.560 --> 00:47:59.640
Do they try to do it?

938
00:47:59.640 --> 00:48:02.920
And you're like, so how does that boundary come up?

939
00:48:02.920 --> 00:48:04.360
How do you tell them?

940
00:48:04.360 --> 00:48:05.780
Well, what came up this week,

941
00:48:05.780 --> 00:48:08.740
and I mentioned this on the Facebook page,

942
00:48:08.740 --> 00:48:11.120
I went on one date with a guy.

943
00:48:11.120 --> 00:48:13.680
He was nice and he goes to church.

944
00:48:13.680 --> 00:48:15.160
So those are positive.

945
00:48:15.160 --> 00:48:20.160
And he was pretty attractive and respectful.

946
00:48:21.120 --> 00:48:24.400
And we had a lot in common.

947
00:48:24.400 --> 00:48:28.880
He was making some joke about me taking care of him

948
00:48:28.880 --> 00:48:30.480
because he twisted his ankle.

949
00:48:30.480 --> 00:48:32.480
And I didn't know how to be like,

950
00:48:32.480 --> 00:48:35.200
hey, that's an upgrade for later in the relationship.

951
00:48:37.080 --> 00:48:38.800
Maybe if we were in a relationship,

952
00:48:38.800 --> 00:48:39.640
I would take care of you.

953
00:48:39.640 --> 00:48:41.400
But for me as a nurse,

954
00:48:41.400 --> 00:48:45.240
I'm very aware of that boundary because I know, yeah.

955
00:48:45.240 --> 00:48:47.880
So I kind of just skipped over it.

956
00:48:48.880 --> 00:48:52.240
But then he goes to me and I was like, okay,

957
00:48:52.240 --> 00:48:53.080
which is fine.

958
00:48:53.080 --> 00:48:53.920
I don't care.

959
00:48:53.920 --> 00:48:55.920
You skipped over it because you didn't say anything

960
00:48:55.920 --> 00:48:57.480
about it then?

961
00:48:57.480 --> 00:49:00.120
I kind of was a little bit flat with him

962
00:49:00.120 --> 00:49:02.960
when he was trying to get me to go out with him.

963
00:49:02.960 --> 00:49:03.800
Okay.

964
00:49:03.800 --> 00:49:06.440
Like we had planned an afternoon date.

965
00:49:06.440 --> 00:49:10.280
And then I was like, he tells me what he wants to do.

966
00:49:10.280 --> 00:49:11.920
First of all, he didn't communicate early enough.

967
00:49:11.920 --> 00:49:13.240
And it was church on Sunday.

968
00:49:13.240 --> 00:49:14.600
I'm wearing a really nice dress and high heels.

969
00:49:14.600 --> 00:49:16.040
He wanted to go outside.

970
00:49:16.040 --> 00:49:16.920
We live in Arizona.

971
00:49:17.000 --> 00:49:20.120
Going outside in a dress and high heels is not,

972
00:49:20.120 --> 00:49:23.520
unless you're like specifically somewhere conducive to that.

973
00:49:23.520 --> 00:49:26.000
Most of the place, it's really dirty, which is fine.

974
00:49:26.000 --> 00:49:29.680
I would wear hiking boots and shorts if I had planned ahead,

975
00:49:29.680 --> 00:49:30.760
but he didn't plan ahead.

976
00:49:30.760 --> 00:49:31.680
So I was like, I go to church

977
00:49:31.680 --> 00:49:32.760
and I'm wearing a dress and high heels.

978
00:49:32.760 --> 00:49:33.880
I'm not going outside.

979
00:49:35.720 --> 00:49:38.520
So you might be direct.

980
00:49:38.520 --> 00:49:40.120
You might be a little direct and a little blunt.

981
00:49:40.120 --> 00:49:44.400
So we just have to make sure that I'm a big fan

982
00:49:44.440 --> 00:49:48.400
of asking for what you need and being honest for sure.

983
00:49:48.400 --> 00:49:52.360
And so when people do make comments,

984
00:49:52.360 --> 00:49:55.280
a lot of times you guys, when guys make comments to us,

985
00:49:55.280 --> 00:49:56.920
they're testing our boundary.

986
00:49:56.920 --> 00:49:58.880
They're gonna like, they're gonna say things

987
00:49:58.880 --> 00:50:00.280
that might be inappropriate.

988
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:02.600
They're going to do all those things to test our boundary.

989
00:50:02.600 --> 00:50:06.440
And our natural inclination is to either ignore it or laugh.

990
00:50:06.440 --> 00:50:08.560
But that doesn't give them the answer.

991
00:50:08.560 --> 00:50:12.520
But then we behave in a way that we think gives them the answer,

992
00:50:12.520 --> 00:50:14.000
but we've not told them the answer.

993
00:50:14.000 --> 00:50:16.440
So it's a very passive aggressive way.

994
00:50:16.440 --> 00:50:19.080
It's a very passive way to give them the answer.

995
00:50:19.080 --> 00:50:22.720
So we have to start to learn how to actually address the comment.

996
00:50:22.720 --> 00:50:24.080
Just like, hey, you know what?

997
00:50:24.080 --> 00:50:26.720
Obviously, I'm a nurse, and so I do that all day long.

998
00:50:26.760 --> 00:50:29.480
So that is not something I typically

999
00:50:29.480 --> 00:50:34.280
do for people in any of my friendly relationships,

1000
00:50:34.280 --> 00:50:36.960
unless I'm a lot further along.

1001
00:50:36.960 --> 00:50:39.680
I'm sure you can imagine and appreciate that.

1002
00:50:39.680 --> 00:50:41.800
So you've let him know, and then he knows.

1003
00:50:41.800 --> 00:50:44.280
And now how he responds to that boundary

1004
00:50:44.280 --> 00:50:47.440
determines if you want to keep hanging out with him again.

1005
00:50:47.440 --> 00:50:49.920
And so I don't know, with the whole outfit thing,

1006
00:50:49.920 --> 00:50:51.240
like, oh my gosh, you know what?

1007
00:50:51.240 --> 00:50:53.160
I totally would have loved to have done that.

1008
00:50:53.160 --> 00:50:54.740
But the truth is, I just don't really

1009
00:50:54.740 --> 00:50:56.040
have the right outfit for it.

1010
00:50:56.080 --> 00:50:58.680
So next time, be sure to let me know ahead of time

1011
00:50:58.680 --> 00:51:00.400
so I can plan accordingly.

1012
00:51:00.400 --> 00:51:03.320
So we just want to make sure if someone's

1013
00:51:03.320 --> 00:51:07.200
crossing a boundary or doing something that we don't like,

1014
00:51:07.200 --> 00:51:09.800
we have to assume they don't know it yet,

1015
00:51:09.800 --> 00:51:12.000
unless it's like, hey, can we have sex?

1016
00:51:12.000 --> 00:51:14.240
I want to send you naked photos.

1017
00:51:14.240 --> 00:51:17.400
Whenever they ask about sex and photos right away, always bad.

1018
00:51:17.400 --> 00:51:18.960
It's always wrong.

1019
00:51:18.960 --> 00:51:21.800
But if you're a massage, at least you're a nurse.

1020
00:51:21.800 --> 00:51:24.080
If you're a massage therapist, it always turns into,

1021
00:51:24.120 --> 00:51:26.080
oh, when am I going to get my free massage?

1022
00:51:26.080 --> 00:51:28.360
You know, it's not good.

1023
00:51:28.360 --> 00:51:30.440
And so I think it's always important for us

1024
00:51:30.440 --> 00:51:34.160
to just say what we're going to say, but say it nicely

1025
00:51:34.160 --> 00:51:36.400
and assume the best in them first.

1026
00:51:36.400 --> 00:51:38.400
Always assume that, unless it's a cheesy thing,

1027
00:51:38.400 --> 00:51:40.560
like I just said that they said, assume the best.

1028
00:51:40.560 --> 00:51:42.440
Assume they don't know what your boundary is.

1029
00:51:42.440 --> 00:51:44.880
And then once you place your boundary down,

1030
00:51:44.880 --> 00:51:47.720
then if they barrel over it, then you

1031
00:51:47.720 --> 00:51:49.960
can just bow out gracefully.

1032
00:51:49.960 --> 00:51:51.800
Because if someone doesn't listen

1033
00:51:51.800 --> 00:51:55.760
to a simple boundary of like this random thing over here,

1034
00:51:55.760 --> 00:51:58.920
they're not going to practice your boundaries anywhere

1035
00:51:58.920 --> 00:52:00.440
else in a relationship.

1036
00:52:00.440 --> 00:52:04.680
So I would just say, make sure you don't judge them

1037
00:52:04.680 --> 00:52:08.040
or speak in a tone when you do say something

1038
00:52:08.040 --> 00:52:09.960
that makes them feel like they should have

1039
00:52:09.960 --> 00:52:11.760
known the answer to that.

1040
00:52:11.760 --> 00:52:13.320
Like, well, he should have known.

1041
00:52:13.320 --> 00:52:14.000
It's Arizona.

1042
00:52:14.000 --> 00:52:15.360
He should have known better.

1043
00:52:15.360 --> 00:52:18.280
Guys don't think like, guys aren't thinking like the outfit

1044
00:52:18.280 --> 00:52:19.480
you need to change into.

1045
00:52:19.480 --> 00:52:21.080
I want you to think that, I know you

1046
00:52:21.080 --> 00:52:22.680
want to think that he is thinking ahead,

1047
00:52:22.680 --> 00:52:24.160
but most guys aren't thinking ahead.

1048
00:52:24.160 --> 00:52:25.120
Like, they're just not.

1049
00:52:25.120 --> 00:52:26.760
But that doesn't make him a bad guy.

1050
00:52:26.760 --> 00:52:29.320
It just makes him like, eh, he just didn't know better.

1051
00:52:29.320 --> 00:52:31.520
But you're going to get him off the hook.

1052
00:52:31.520 --> 00:52:33.680
Now, how he responds to you saying

1053
00:52:33.680 --> 00:52:36.920
that will tell you if you want to hang out with him again.

1054
00:52:36.920 --> 00:52:38.000
So that's the only thing.

1055
00:52:38.000 --> 00:52:40.920
Remember I talked about slower, lower, softer?

1056
00:52:40.920 --> 00:52:42.720
When you are making your comment and you

1057
00:52:42.720 --> 00:52:44.160
are going to do confrontation or you're

1058
00:52:44.160 --> 00:52:45.740
going to set up a boundary, just make

1059
00:52:45.740 --> 00:52:47.800
sure you are lower, slower, softer.

1060
00:52:47.800 --> 00:52:49.640
And just deliver it with kindness.

1061
00:52:49.640 --> 00:52:51.920
And then see how they respond.

1062
00:52:51.920 --> 00:52:53.160
Does that help?

1063
00:52:53.160 --> 00:52:54.160
Yeah, thank you.

1064
00:52:54.160 --> 00:52:55.160
That's helpful.

1065
00:52:55.160 --> 00:52:55.880
You bet.

1066
00:52:55.880 --> 00:52:58.240
Crystal?

1067
00:52:58.240 --> 00:52:59.080
Hi.

1068
00:52:59.080 --> 00:53:01.400
OK, so I have a couple of questions.

1069
00:53:01.400 --> 00:53:05.920
But I'll start with the one that I feel like is most pressing.

1070
00:53:05.920 --> 00:53:07.480
So there's a guy at my church that I

1071
00:53:07.480 --> 00:53:09.480
like that we've dated before.

1072
00:53:09.480 --> 00:53:13.800
And he ended things.

1073
00:53:13.800 --> 00:53:15.640
It wasn't like a long time that we went out.

1074
00:53:15.640 --> 00:53:19.280
We literally went out on like a total of three dates

1075
00:53:19.320 --> 00:53:23.360
over a span of like seven, eight months.

1076
00:53:23.360 --> 00:53:24.320
I can't quite remember.

1077
00:53:24.320 --> 00:53:30.280
But the first time we went out, I basically, well,

1078
00:53:30.280 --> 00:53:31.880
we've known each other for a while.

1079
00:53:31.880 --> 00:53:34.080
In 2022, I asked him out to coffee

1080
00:53:34.080 --> 00:53:36.280
because we were going to different church campuses.

1081
00:53:36.280 --> 00:53:37.040
I ran into him.

1082
00:53:37.040 --> 00:53:38.760
I was like, we should catch up.

1083
00:53:38.760 --> 00:53:40.960
And then he kind of fell off.

1084
00:53:40.960 --> 00:53:42.960
He had some stuff going on at work.

1085
00:53:42.960 --> 00:53:44.480
A couple of months later, I just took it

1086
00:53:44.480 --> 00:53:45.840
as he wasn't interested in me.

1087
00:53:45.840 --> 00:53:47.260
And then a couple of months later,

1088
00:53:47.260 --> 00:53:49.460
he started going to my church campus

1089
00:53:49.460 --> 00:53:52.700
and then started texting me, calling me, all of that.

1090
00:53:52.700 --> 00:53:54.180
We went out a few times.

1091
00:53:54.180 --> 00:54:00.100
And one of the times that we went out, he brought up,

1092
00:54:00.100 --> 00:54:01.260
he's white and I'm Black.

1093
00:54:01.260 --> 00:54:03.060
And he brought up race in the conversation.

1094
00:54:03.060 --> 00:54:05.380
It was like an awkward conversation.

1095
00:54:05.380 --> 00:54:08.300
But he said he was willing to continue to talk about it.

1096
00:54:08.300 --> 00:54:11.780
But I noticed him pull away after I kind of mentioned

1097
00:54:11.780 --> 00:54:15.780
like I wanted to talk more about his views and opinions.

1098
00:54:15.780 --> 00:54:17.020
We went out one more time.

1099
00:54:17.020 --> 00:54:18.980
And then he fell off.

1100
00:54:18.980 --> 00:54:21.340
And I reached out to him just to see where he was.

1101
00:54:21.340 --> 00:54:25.140
And he was like, I kind of thought we noticed

1102
00:54:25.140 --> 00:54:26.180
this wasn't a good fit.

1103
00:54:26.180 --> 00:54:28.820
And I was like, OK, well, we can still be friends, blah, blah.

1104
00:54:28.820 --> 00:54:33.260
So fast forward to a couple of months

1105
00:54:33.260 --> 00:54:36.540
ago where he reached out just to see how I was doing.

1106
00:54:36.540 --> 00:54:39.180
And initially, I was like, oh, no.

1107
00:54:39.180 --> 00:54:40.460
Don't come back now.

1108
00:54:40.460 --> 00:54:41.940
You ended it.

1109
00:54:41.940 --> 00:54:43.580
I'm good.

1110
00:54:43.580 --> 00:54:46.620
But I was like, OK, Lord, let me see.

1111
00:54:46.620 --> 00:54:49.300
Maybe I need to get healed in this area.

1112
00:54:49.300 --> 00:54:51.660
Because at the time, I literally was like,

1113
00:54:51.660 --> 00:54:53.460
I don't know if I'm going to date any more white men

1114
00:54:53.460 --> 00:54:54.260
after that.

1115
00:54:54.260 --> 00:54:56.260
That's literally where I was.

1116
00:54:56.260 --> 00:54:59.740
So anyway, I was like, I'll be nice and cordial.

1117
00:54:59.740 --> 00:55:01.540
So we did.

1118
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:04.640
text it a little bit and then a couple weeks later he asked if I wanted to go to an art museum. We're

1119
00:55:04.640 --> 00:55:11.360
both art teachers and so my family was in town and I was like I'll ask if my niece can come that'll

1120
00:55:11.360 --> 00:55:18.480
be a good buffer of like you know all of that and so he was fine with that and we had a really good

1121
00:55:18.480 --> 00:55:24.480
time and I got to see like a different side of him and I had mentioned a few things to him.

1122
00:55:24.480 --> 00:55:29.440
One of them being a friend of mine who he's another teacher and they have like a teacher

1123
00:55:29.440 --> 00:55:34.560
band so I was like you should come to this well I don't even think I said you should come I just

1124
00:55:34.560 --> 00:55:38.640
told him about the event and then I told him I'm going to the teacher band with my sister

1125
00:55:39.760 --> 00:55:44.560
and he asked what time and he was like oh yeah I'll come so I was surprised he took me up on

1126
00:55:44.560 --> 00:55:51.520
the offer and so he came out and got to meet two of my sisters and so I noticed the feelings come

1127
00:55:51.520 --> 00:56:00.720
back. For you or for him? For me I don't know I don't know where he's at and so I saw him after

1128
00:56:00.720 --> 00:56:07.280
that like we texted a little bit and then I missed a couple church services so I hadn't seen him

1129
00:56:07.280 --> 00:56:16.800
until this past Thursday and so we chatted for a little bit and then it was just like I just I

1130
00:56:16.800 --> 00:56:23.680
don't know where he's at I know I like him again and I also am aware that we still may not be aligned

1131
00:56:23.680 --> 00:56:31.760
like his views may have changed and I talked to a few people mostly everybody says I should just

1132
00:56:32.960 --> 00:56:38.880
talk to him and find out. Well what makes you think he is in a different place and he's interested

1133
00:56:38.960 --> 00:56:48.240
again? Because there's because there is gosh I really enjoyed her company and I'm bored and we

1134
00:56:48.240 --> 00:56:54.720
have similar interests and I want to hang out because guys can do that with us like they think

1135
00:56:54.720 --> 00:57:01.840
if they think they can friend zone us sometimes they just want a companionship so now I would say

1136
00:57:01.840 --> 00:57:08.000
this part of me kind of feels like if he's and you know Jackie has used this phrase especially

1137
00:57:08.000 --> 00:57:12.240
because y'all dated so this is a guy that knows who you are and he's not afraid to reach out to

1138
00:57:12.240 --> 00:57:20.000
you she has said if a guy likes you he will cut off his arm and use it as a row or to swim up

1139
00:57:20.000 --> 00:57:26.560
the canal to you so he knows how to get in touch with you he's hung out with you I think if he

1140
00:57:26.560 --> 00:57:32.480
wants to take you out on a date and he was the one that ended it he needs to be the one to initiate

1141
00:57:32.480 --> 00:57:38.160
a date now he may have tried to initiate that date and you brought your niece or cousin with

1142
00:57:38.160 --> 00:57:44.480
you but you got any but you did invite him to something else after that so he invited you to

1143
00:57:44.480 --> 00:57:51.200
the art thing you brought somebody you invited him to something else and you showed up I kind of feel

1144
00:57:51.200 --> 00:57:57.920
like you actually need him to pursue you at this point because he is the one that ended it with

1145
00:57:57.920 --> 00:58:04.640
particular reasons behind it now if he asks to do something again I would actually go alone with

1146
00:58:04.640 --> 00:58:10.000
him I would actually say yes and then when you're in front of his face you can just again I'm back

1147
00:58:10.000 --> 00:58:15.440
to being really direct and honest like hey Tony I don't know his name hey Tony like you know I just

1148
00:58:15.440 --> 00:58:21.200
I just want to see I want to check something out with you and I want to kind of make sure I'm clear

1149
00:58:21.200 --> 00:58:27.360
like are you just wanting to be friends again with me at this point um and is there no like

1150
00:58:27.360 --> 00:58:32.720
pursuit interest because I'm okay either way I just I kind of want to hear where you're at with

1151
00:58:32.720 --> 00:58:38.560
this now you could reach out to him and initiate that conversation if you feel like you really

1152
00:58:38.560 --> 00:58:46.400
really have to know but I feel like when it's an ex who's left me he would need to come back to me

1153
00:58:46.400 --> 00:58:51.440
and tell me why he's back in my camp like what is it about me that's changed and different

1154
00:58:52.640 --> 00:58:59.120
um especially if you are uncomfortable of what might happen if he's like no I just want to be

1155
00:58:59.120 --> 00:59:04.240
friends like so you have to so if you do want to initiate the contact to find out what's going on

1156
00:59:04.960 --> 00:59:08.320
you have to be willing for him to say something that might make you uncomfortable

1157
00:59:09.280 --> 00:59:17.120
yeah I guess um the reasons why I was like I don't know if he's tried to date or like he was

1158
00:59:17.120 --> 00:59:22.640
attempting to do a date again it's because I brought my niece and then when we went out my

1159
00:59:22.640 --> 00:59:27.920
sisters were with me like when I invited him yeah my sisters were were with me and then there were

1160
00:59:27.920 --> 00:59:34.240
like a few things that he said that I don't know could well I mean again you can you can pull the

1161
00:59:34.320 --> 00:59:39.840
trigger first and just say hey you know I realized the last couple of times we hung out we had other

1162
00:59:39.840 --> 00:59:45.600
people with us did you want to do something just alone with the two of us you could you could throw

1163
00:59:45.600 --> 00:59:53.360
that out there okay that would be like dropping the hanky yeah and or you could say something like

1164
00:59:53.360 --> 00:59:58.640
hey the last couple of times we hung out we were both had folks in there I would love to hang out

1165
00:59:58.640 --> 00:59:59.920
just the two of us at some

1166
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:02.400
At some point, if you're still, if you're up for that,

1167
01:00:02.400 --> 01:00:04.200
let me know, you can go ahead and schedule.

1168
01:00:04.200 --> 01:00:06.720
If not, that's all good too.

1169
01:00:06.720 --> 01:00:09.160
That's another way to drop the hanky.

1170
01:00:09.160 --> 01:00:11.840
And so if he really doesn't,

1171
01:00:11.840 --> 01:00:13.440
then you kind of have your answer.

1172
01:00:13.440 --> 01:00:14.280
Yeah, yeah.

1173
01:00:14.280 --> 01:00:15.880
If he does pick up the meeting,

1174
01:00:15.880 --> 01:00:17.820
it is then okay once you're at the meeting,

1175
01:00:17.820 --> 01:00:19.680
just to say, you know, I have to be really honest,

1176
01:00:19.680 --> 01:00:22.640
like we've kind of hung out and back and forth,

1177
01:00:22.640 --> 01:00:24.840
like I wanna make sure I don't have mixed signals

1178
01:00:24.840 --> 01:00:25.680
here from you.

1179
01:00:25.680 --> 01:00:27.160
Like, are you just trying to reestablish

1180
01:00:27.160 --> 01:00:28.920
a friendship with me?

1181
01:00:28.920 --> 01:00:30.660
But I would wait to have that conversation

1182
01:00:30.660 --> 01:00:32.320
when he's sitting in front of me.

1183
01:00:32.320 --> 01:00:33.520
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

1184
01:00:33.520 --> 01:00:34.360
Does that help?

1185
01:00:34.360 --> 01:00:35.320
Yeah, it does.

1186
01:00:35.320 --> 01:00:39.000
Those are all the three ways that you can handle it.

1187
01:00:39.000 --> 01:00:40.160
And I would say pick the one

1188
01:00:40.160 --> 01:00:42.320
that makes you the most comfortable.

1189
01:00:42.320 --> 01:00:44.120
Okay, I have two other questions,

1190
01:00:44.120 --> 01:00:45.560
if nobody else has any questions.

1191
01:00:45.560 --> 01:00:46.560
Does anybody else have a question?

1192
01:00:46.560 --> 01:00:48.560
I wanna make sure I'm giving other people, okay.

1193
01:00:48.560 --> 01:00:49.560
This is like the midday.

1194
01:00:49.560 --> 01:00:51.400
I don't normally get to see some of you guys,

1195
01:00:51.400 --> 01:00:53.200
so I'm excited that I get to see you.

1196
01:00:53.200 --> 01:00:55.080
Yeah, I'm normally at work during this time.

1197
01:00:55.080 --> 01:00:56.640
I'm off this week, so.

1198
01:00:56.640 --> 01:00:58.000
Okay, good.

1199
01:00:58.000 --> 01:01:01.960
Okay, so my second question is there's a guy,

1200
01:01:01.960 --> 01:01:05.280
he sent me a text this morning.

1201
01:01:05.280 --> 01:01:06.400
We had a video chat.

1202
01:01:06.400 --> 01:01:07.800
I think it went really well.

1203
01:01:08.720 --> 01:01:10.320
He's in like ministry.

1204
01:01:10.320 --> 01:01:15.080
And so I feel like some of the interactions

1205
01:01:15.080 --> 01:01:17.740
are like a little bit slower paced or like kind of,

1206
01:01:19.040 --> 01:01:20.360
I don't wanna say Christianese,

1207
01:01:20.360 --> 01:01:22.040
but he sent me a text this morning

1208
01:01:22.040 --> 01:01:24.960
with a poster of something that his church is doing.

1209
01:01:24.960 --> 01:01:27.000
And it was like, if you're bored this Friday,

1210
01:01:27.000 --> 01:01:28.360
you should come out.

1211
01:01:28.360 --> 01:01:31.960
And so I'm like, when we had our video chat,

1212
01:01:31.960 --> 01:01:33.760
I ended it and I was like,

1213
01:01:33.760 --> 01:01:36.000
we should do this again sometime.

1214
01:01:36.000 --> 01:01:38.160
And he said, yeah, don't be a stranger.

1215
01:01:38.160 --> 01:01:39.480
And I said, same.

1216
01:01:39.480 --> 01:01:44.480
Like trying to get him to initiate.

1217
01:01:44.760 --> 01:01:46.440
And so when he sent me the text,

1218
01:01:46.440 --> 01:01:47.360
I looked at it and I said,

1219
01:01:47.360 --> 01:01:49.080
well, I have loose plans on Friday.

1220
01:01:49.080 --> 01:01:51.720
So I'll like, I'll let you know if I,

1221
01:01:51.720 --> 01:01:53.320
I'll keep you posted if I can do it.

1222
01:01:53.320 --> 01:01:54.920
And then like, how are you today or whatever.

1223
01:01:54.920 --> 01:01:57.320
So I'm just like,

1224
01:01:57.320 --> 01:02:00.720
should I ask him to schedule another video chat?

1225
01:02:00.720 --> 01:02:03.200
Should I just leave it in his?

1226
01:02:05.120 --> 01:02:07.480
I mean, you already told him, in my opinion,

1227
01:02:07.480 --> 01:02:10.600
you told him what Jackie has encouraged you to do,

1228
01:02:10.600 --> 01:02:13.920
which is you would like to see him again.

1229
01:02:13.920 --> 01:02:14.920
You've said that.

1230
01:02:16.680 --> 01:02:20.680
Part of me wants you to almost not be available

1231
01:02:20.680 --> 01:02:24.000
for Friday night, because I don't know if that's,

1232
01:02:24.000 --> 01:02:25.960
I feel like that's a halfway date.

1233
01:02:25.960 --> 01:02:28.640
Like, and that feels awkward to me.

1234
01:02:28.640 --> 01:02:31.160
And just say, so here's what you could do.

1235
01:02:31.160 --> 01:02:32.000
You can be like, you know what?

1236
01:02:32.000 --> 01:02:34.600
I realized I have, I do have other, you know,

1237
01:02:34.600 --> 01:02:36.600
I told you, I wasn't sure about it.

1238
01:02:36.600 --> 01:02:38.600
That is a firm thing.

1239
01:02:38.600 --> 01:02:42.000
But let me just say again, I'd love to go out with you again.

1240
01:02:42.000 --> 01:02:44.480
I look forward to hearing from you

1241
01:02:44.480 --> 01:02:46.400
if you want to schedule another date.

1242
01:02:47.800 --> 01:02:49.080
I like that.

1243
01:02:49.080 --> 01:02:51.720
And then this way you put the ball back in his court.

1244
01:02:51.720 --> 01:02:53.280
Cause you're basically saying, dude, no,

1245
01:02:53.280 --> 01:02:54.720
ask me out on a real date.

1246
01:02:54.720 --> 01:02:56.600
Like, cause like, don't be a stranger.

1247
01:02:56.600 --> 01:02:58.880
No, no, that's just, no.

1248
01:03:00.080 --> 01:03:01.200
You want him to be a man.

1249
01:03:01.200 --> 01:03:02.040
You want him to be,

1250
01:03:02.040 --> 01:03:04.080
but you might have to help him be a man.

1251
01:03:04.080 --> 01:03:05.920
Like, you know what I'm saying?

1252
01:03:05.920 --> 01:03:07.040
Like give him the nudge.

1253
01:03:07.040 --> 01:03:07.880
That'd be me.

1254
01:03:07.880 --> 01:03:11.000
Because for me, like if I showed up at an event like that,

1255
01:03:11.000 --> 01:03:13.000
I'm like, are we going to be sitting alone?

1256
01:03:13.000 --> 01:03:14.160
Is it going to be like a date?

1257
01:03:14.160 --> 01:03:15.680
He's just inviting you to that.

1258
01:03:15.680 --> 01:03:19.680
Like it's a halfway date and he might be scared and nervous.

1259
01:03:19.680 --> 01:03:21.800
So what you're going to do is help him.

1260
01:03:22.800 --> 01:03:25.320
You're going to say, hey, you know, I really can't make that.

1261
01:03:25.320 --> 01:03:27.360
But let me just reiterate,

1262
01:03:27.360 --> 01:03:29.480
if you would like to go out one-on-one again,

1263
01:03:29.480 --> 01:03:31.440
or what, because you only had a video date, right?

1264
01:03:31.440 --> 01:03:32.920
You didn't have a live date.

1265
01:03:32.920 --> 01:03:33.760
Yeah.

1266
01:03:33.760 --> 01:03:34.680
And just say, hey,

1267
01:03:34.680 --> 01:03:37.320
but if you would like to schedule a one-on-one date with me

1268
01:03:37.320 --> 01:03:39.240
in real life, I'd love to make that happen.

1269
01:03:39.240 --> 01:03:40.720
Just let me know.

1270
01:03:40.720 --> 01:03:41.720
And we'll try to make that,

1271
01:03:41.720 --> 01:03:43.120
let's try to make that happen.

1272
01:03:43.120 --> 01:03:44.720
Then you're kind of being super direct.

1273
01:03:44.720 --> 01:03:46.920
Like, I'm not going to do this,

1274
01:03:46.920 --> 01:03:49.200
but I will do this with you.

1275
01:03:49.200 --> 01:03:51.040
And then if he doesn't pick that baton up,

1276
01:03:51.040 --> 01:03:53.000
then he's not pursuing you.

1277
01:03:53.000 --> 01:03:55.520
Like with the energy that you probably need.

1278
01:03:56.920 --> 01:03:57.760
I don't know.

1279
01:03:57.760 --> 01:03:59.440
Keep me posted on both of those.

1280
01:03:59.440 --> 01:04:00.520
Well, I will do.

1281
01:04:00.520 --> 01:04:01.960
I have one more question.

1282
01:04:04.280 --> 01:04:08.320
Last one is, I'm going out on a date with a guy today.

1283
01:04:08.320 --> 01:04:09.200
It's a tennis date.

1284
01:04:09.200 --> 01:04:14.200
And we previously hung out in group settings.

1285
01:04:14.440 --> 01:04:17.080
And the last time he kind of soloed me out

1286
01:04:17.080 --> 01:04:18.400
and was like, let's play tennis.

1287
01:04:18.400 --> 01:04:20.640
I didn't know if he just wanted to play with me

1288
01:04:21.280 --> 01:04:22.360
because I was the strongest tennis player

1289
01:04:22.360 --> 01:04:24.080
or if it was actually a date.

1290
01:04:24.080 --> 01:04:26.480
And then I found out, oh, he did want to go on a date.

1291
01:04:26.480 --> 01:04:29.000
He was like, oh, we should go grab something to eat.

1292
01:04:29.000 --> 01:04:30.520
So next time let's do that.

1293
01:04:30.520 --> 01:04:31.600
And then he called it a date.

1294
01:04:31.600 --> 01:04:33.520
So I was like, okay, fine.

1295
01:04:33.520 --> 01:04:36.120
He's definitely younger than me.

1296
01:04:36.120 --> 01:04:37.960
I do not know how old he is.

1297
01:04:37.960 --> 01:04:41.400
I feel like we might be in different seasons.

1298
01:04:41.400 --> 01:04:43.920
And so what kind of questions can I ask

1299
01:04:43.920 --> 01:04:45.760
to kind of like get at that?

1300
01:04:45.760 --> 01:04:47.440
And that's the big thing is you want to make sure

1301
01:04:47.440 --> 01:04:48.760
you're in the same season of life.

1302
01:04:48.840 --> 01:04:50.560
The age isn't as much of a difference

1303
01:04:50.560 --> 01:04:51.400
when you're out on a date.

1304
01:04:51.400 --> 01:04:52.840
You can just be like,

1305
01:04:52.840 --> 01:04:54.560
tell me a little bit more about you.

1306
01:04:54.560 --> 01:04:58.240
Like, I'm just curious, what season of life are you in?

1307
01:04:58.240 --> 01:05:00.040
Like, are you, like, is.

1308
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:01.980
Is career your main focus?

1309
01:05:01.980 --> 01:05:04.040
Are you dating casually?

1310
01:05:04.040 --> 01:05:06.360
Are you hoping to get married and settle down?

1311
01:05:06.360 --> 01:05:08.720
Like, you know, what kind of season are you in your life?

1312
01:05:08.720 --> 01:05:13.120
Like it is okay to just ask that, like, do you have some, like, what are some of your

1313
01:05:13.120 --> 01:05:14.680
goals in the next couple of years?

1314
01:05:14.680 --> 01:05:19.800
Like, what are the things that you're really trying to, so that's another way.

1315
01:05:19.800 --> 01:05:22.280
What is taking up a lot of your time and energy?

1316
01:05:22.280 --> 01:05:26.200
Like right now, what would you say are your top, you know, two or three goals in the next

1317
01:05:26.200 --> 01:05:27.640
year or two?

1318
01:05:27.640 --> 01:05:31.800
Like if he is marriage minded, he's going to say, you know, I want to do really well

1319
01:05:31.800 --> 01:05:32.800
with my fitness.

1320
01:05:32.800 --> 01:05:33.800
I want to do well with my job.

1321
01:05:33.800 --> 01:05:34.800
And you know what?

1322
01:05:34.800 --> 01:05:36.640
I honestly really want to settle down and have a family.

1323
01:05:36.640 --> 01:05:39.400
Like if he's marriage minded, it's going to be in there.

1324
01:05:39.400 --> 01:05:42.800
He's going to somehow say that, but if he just says, you know what, right now I'm just

1325
01:05:42.800 --> 01:05:47.840
focused on work and having a good time, you know, and just staying fit, like that's just

1326
01:05:47.840 --> 01:05:48.840
kind of where I'm at.

1327
01:05:48.840 --> 01:05:53.180
Then, you know, like, then, you know, so then, you know, he's somebody that you can casually

1328
01:05:53.180 --> 01:05:57.340
date right now, but you're not going to put your eggs all in that basket.

1329
01:05:57.340 --> 01:06:00.500
And then you might, if you start to like hang out with him again and really like him,

1330
01:06:00.500 --> 01:06:05.060
you can just be like, well, you know, like, do you ever see yourself, you know, having

1331
01:06:05.060 --> 01:06:06.780
your own family or getting married?

1332
01:06:06.780 --> 01:06:09.900
Like, is that something that you subscribe to?

1333
01:06:09.900 --> 01:06:13.220
Like, cause there's plenty of people that go, you know, I have no desire to ever get

1334
01:06:13.220 --> 01:06:17.340
married or have kids or, you know, maybe one day, and that's good information for you to

1335
01:06:17.340 --> 01:06:23.640
know, but like you ask it as you're asking about all of their other hopes and dreams

1336
01:06:23.640 --> 01:06:24.640
and goals.

1337
01:06:24.640 --> 01:06:26.940
So it's not like, so are you, do you want to get married?

1338
01:06:27.540 --> 01:06:28.540
Like, you know what I'm saying?

1339
01:06:28.540 --> 01:06:34.620
It's like you show interest in their job, their fitness, their like bucket list.

1340
01:06:34.620 --> 01:06:39.220
Like you're just showing in general, I'm trying to get to know you, who you are, where are

1341
01:06:39.220 --> 01:06:40.220
you going?

1342
01:06:40.220 --> 01:06:44.840
So that's how I try to ask that stuff to kind of figure it out.

1343
01:06:44.840 --> 01:06:49.060
Even you guys, even when I'm doing online dating, it's one of the early questions I

1344
01:06:49.060 --> 01:06:50.060
ask men.

1345
01:06:50.060 --> 01:06:53.860
I just say, so, you know, do you mind telling me where you're at in this dating season?

1346
01:06:53.860 --> 01:06:58.700
I know it can be really clunky online, like, are you just getting out from a relationship

1347
01:06:58.700 --> 01:06:59.700
and a divorce?

1348
01:06:59.700 --> 01:07:00.900
You're just trying to enjoy your time.

1349
01:07:00.900 --> 01:07:05.400
You're just trying to figure it out or, you know, like kind of where are you in this season

1350
01:07:05.400 --> 01:07:07.660
of dating?

1351
01:07:07.660 --> 01:07:12.140
I think it's always a, it's always a pretty good question for me to find out pretty quickly.

1352
01:07:12.140 --> 01:07:18.460
Like I can tell if men are just not ready for a relationship and it's not that I won't

1353
01:07:18.460 --> 01:07:23.080
enjoy a date with them, but I am going to guard my heart a lot more on that person.

1354
01:07:23.080 --> 01:07:26.920
Like I'm not going to give them a lot of my time and energy because they have made

1355
01:07:26.920 --> 01:07:31.080
it clear, like, you know, is it Maya Angelou, you always used to say when somebody tells

1356
01:07:31.080 --> 01:07:34.480
you who they are, believe them the first time.

1357
01:07:34.480 --> 01:07:38.720
So if you are dating a guy who says, you know, I don't think I could ever get married, that

1358
01:07:38.720 --> 01:07:39.720
may be true.

1359
01:07:39.720 --> 01:07:43.820
Or like, I don't, like if they have beliefs or opinions about something and they seem

1360
01:07:43.820 --> 01:07:46.460
pretty strong about it, believe them.

1361
01:07:46.460 --> 01:07:50.640
They hardly change their mind, especially the older you get, I find.

1362
01:07:51.200 --> 01:07:55.520
All right, keep us up to date on all three of those, Stephanie.

1363
01:07:55.520 --> 01:07:59.480
That prompted a question for me.

1364
01:07:59.480 --> 01:08:06.400
So I had a phone date with a guy and then we went out in person and I let him know that

1365
01:08:06.400 --> 01:08:12.320
I enjoyed it and would love to keep getting to know him and he agreed.

1366
01:08:12.320 --> 01:08:18.960
And we've texted a little bit, like not every day, which is actually refreshing.

1367
01:08:19.000 --> 01:08:20.000
I've enjoyed that.

1368
01:08:20.000 --> 01:08:22.399
It's, you know, the texts aren't.

1369
01:08:22.399 --> 01:08:25.560
But do I just continue?

1370
01:08:25.560 --> 01:08:29.560
He was very good at initiating the date and planning it.

1371
01:08:29.560 --> 01:08:34.120
Do I just let him initiate the next one too?

1372
01:08:34.120 --> 01:08:36.160
OK, I do.

1373
01:08:36.160 --> 01:08:42.279
OK, Jackie would say let him initiate the first at least two until you can really two

1374
01:08:42.279 --> 01:08:46.560
or three until you can really tell that there's interest there.

1375
01:08:46.560 --> 01:08:50.800
And he's starting to step up his game in pursuit of you.

1376
01:08:50.800 --> 01:08:55.240
What may be happening, Stephanie, is, you know, if they're out on like, you know how

1377
01:08:55.240 --> 01:08:59.200
we're dating more than one person at the same time, they might be too.

1378
01:08:59.200 --> 01:09:02.200
And so he might be going like, gosh, I had a really nice time with Stephanie, but I already

1379
01:09:02.200 --> 01:09:03.800
have these three other dates lined up.

1380
01:09:03.800 --> 01:09:05.800
Let me see how those go.

1381
01:09:05.800 --> 01:09:08.040
Then I want to see who I want to circle back with.

1382
01:09:08.040 --> 01:09:11.520
So if like we're willing to date more than one person at the same time in the beginning,

1383
01:09:11.520 --> 01:09:14.160
we have to respect that they might be too.

1384
01:09:14.160 --> 01:09:17.880
And so sometimes it's literally life's gone in the way or they're trying to go out on

1385
01:09:17.880 --> 01:09:23.240
a few other dates like, OK, I like her or I like him, but do I like him enough?

1386
01:09:23.240 --> 01:09:25.760
Like and, you know, I heard somebody else say that.

1387
01:09:25.760 --> 01:09:29.840
And that has really freed me because we always think he doesn't like me.

1388
01:09:29.840 --> 01:09:31.520
He likes me.

1389
01:09:31.520 --> 01:09:33.080
Sometimes they do like us.

1390
01:09:33.080 --> 01:09:34.720
Just not enough.

1391
01:09:34.720 --> 01:09:35.840
Not enough.

1392
01:09:35.840 --> 01:09:38.279
And I don't want a guy who just doesn't like me.

1393
01:09:38.279 --> 01:09:39.279
Not enough.

1394
01:09:39.279 --> 01:09:43.560
I want a guy who likes me more than everybody else that he's met, you know.

1395
01:09:43.560 --> 01:09:47.359
And so I might have to give him a chance to go figure that out.

1396
01:09:47.359 --> 01:09:52.080
And so how you don't get crazy is you don't put all your eggs in that basket and you keep

1397
01:09:52.080 --> 01:09:54.279
talking to other people.

1398
01:09:54.279 --> 01:09:58.280
And if he likes you, he will pursue you because you've already let him know and that you're

1399
01:09:58.280 --> 01:09:59.480
continuing to be.

1400
01:09:59.480 --> 01:10:00.040
So continue.

1401
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:08.740
be nice, continue to be kind. But I also wouldn't overshare in text messages. And if he does

1402
01:10:08.740 --> 01:10:13.100
ask a good, here's how you can flirt your way into the next day. If he asks a question,

1403
01:10:13.100 --> 01:10:16.900
that's a really great question. You're going to be like, oh my gosh, that's a great question.

1404
01:10:16.900 --> 01:10:22.980
I'd rather answer that live if we go out again. Okay. Do you ever suggest a phone call like

1405
01:10:22.980 --> 01:10:28.220
in between or just? Well, for sure. But I've already, I will tell you this by the first

1406
01:10:28.220 --> 01:10:34.440
video date, I tell men I don't like to text. So for me, I hate texting as a form of communication

1407
01:10:34.440 --> 01:10:38.840
to get to know them. So right in the first video date, I'm pretty honest. And I just

1408
01:10:38.840 --> 01:10:44.000
say, just so you know, now that we've gotten to a video date, my preference going forward

1409
01:10:44.000 --> 01:10:49.600
is a phone call, FaceTime or a live date. I will tend to only, and this is true for

1410
01:10:49.600 --> 01:10:55.720
my family, my friends, my staff. I tend to only use texting for brief points of information

1411
01:10:55.720 --> 01:11:00.940
quick. Like, Hey, I'm grabbing this. Don't forget this. I'm on my way. Um, if you want

1412
01:11:00.940 --> 01:11:05.140
to keep getting to know me, just know that I'm going to want to move away from texting

1413
01:11:05.140 --> 01:11:10.580
and I'm going to want to move towards that. That's just my communication style. And I

1414
01:11:10.580 --> 01:11:15.940
start laying off the texting. And so that's what I try to do right from the get go. So

1415
01:11:15.940 --> 01:11:20.060
what you can just say at some point, if you wanted to, like, if you felt like, do you

1416
01:11:20.060 --> 01:11:24.300
feel like the texting is he's trying to engage in conversation with you?

1417
01:11:24.800 --> 01:11:31.480
Yeah. And like I said, I've appreciated that. It's not been, I haven't felt bombarded. Um,

1418
01:11:31.480 --> 01:11:34.680
but yes, trying to, I think just touch base and keep the connection.

1419
01:11:34.680 --> 01:11:38.420
So again, if you would like a phone call, sometimes you have to ask for what you need.

1420
01:11:38.420 --> 01:11:42.760
So if he thinks you're comfortable with texting and you guys, and we are in a world where

1421
01:11:42.760 --> 01:11:47.680
I'm actually working one-on-one with somebody who literally she has, she's been dating this

1422
01:11:47.680 --> 01:11:54.620
guy for a pretty long time, a few months, and they only text in between their dates.

1423
01:11:54.620 --> 01:11:58.100
Now I was like, well, if that's what you like, and that's your game, like if that's your

1424
01:11:58.100 --> 01:12:03.300
thing and you can text and vomit all that information by text and not talk on the phone,

1425
01:12:03.300 --> 01:12:09.180
that's great. Like I'm way more verbal than that. I like to hear tone inflection. I like

1426
01:12:09.180 --> 01:12:15.180
to see body language. I don't like texting thoughts, feelings, opinions. Like I, I don't

1427
01:12:15.180 --> 01:12:18.900
like doing it with my staff. I don't like, I just don't like doing that. I feel like

1428
01:12:18.900 --> 01:12:23.220
you miss out on so much of the communication, but I realized some of you are in the generation

1429
01:12:23.220 --> 01:12:26.740
where you're like, Renee, that's how we talk to each other. My only concern about that

1430
01:12:26.740 --> 01:12:30.860
is if you guys get married, do you know how hard you're going to make your marriage? Because

1431
01:12:30.860 --> 01:12:35.260
you've only talked to each other this way and now you're sitting across from each other

1432
01:12:35.260 --> 01:12:39.260
and you don't know how to, I mean, you guys, I ran a pregnancy center for 20 years. We

1433
01:12:39.260 --> 01:12:44.660
had kids coming in all the time, pregnant, pregnant. So they had sex and they couldn't

1434
01:12:44.660 --> 01:12:49.180
talk face to face because they only did this in between having sex. And so I'm like, okay,

1435
01:12:49.180 --> 01:12:52.140
you're about to raise a child or bring a child into the world and you don't even know how

1436
01:12:52.140 --> 01:12:57.460
to look at each other in the face and talk to each other. Like, and so I get that we

1437
01:12:57.460 --> 01:13:01.220
are in a texting world. So I would say if you don't want to keep texting, then you've

1438
01:13:01.220 --> 01:13:04.940
got to tell them you don't want to keep texting. Like, you know what? I love texting with you.

1439
01:13:04.940 --> 01:13:08.220
It's been really fun. I would be way more excited about talking on the phone, even if

1440
01:13:08.220 --> 01:13:12.420
it's just for 10 minutes, or I'd be way more excited about a five minute FaceTime with

1441
01:13:12.420 --> 01:13:17.500
you. Just, just, I'm just putting that out there. That's just my preferred mode of communication.

1442
01:13:17.500 --> 01:13:21.180
And if then they pick up that ball and they kind of go with it, great. But if they keep

1443
01:13:21.180 --> 01:13:25.220
texting you and if that works for you, great. Like, I don't want to tell you what to do

1444
01:13:25.220 --> 01:13:28.780
for you because that texting might be good enough for y'all. It's not good enough for

1445
01:13:28.780 --> 01:13:33.900
me. I need to hear someone's voice. I need to hear their voice. I need a conversation

1446
01:13:33.900 --> 01:13:37.620
because the problem with texting for me is you never know exactly when the conversation

1447
01:13:37.620 --> 01:13:42.980
is ending sometimes, and it's very disruptive. It disrupts your day. It's not like, so when

1448
01:13:42.980 --> 01:13:49.120
someone picks up the phone and calls you or does a video date, you got my undivided attention.

1449
01:13:49.120 --> 01:13:54.180
When someone's texting me, they could be watching TV. They can be with their friend at the checkout.

1450
01:13:54.180 --> 01:14:00.100
Like, I don't have their undivided attention. So I would rather have 10 minutes of undivided

1451
01:14:00.100 --> 01:14:05.340
attention than a string of texts all day long. I'd rather you not talk to me all day. I'd

1452
01:14:05.340 --> 01:14:09.980
rather you go live your life, have your moment with everybody else, and at the end of the

1453
01:14:09.980 --> 01:14:16.620
day, talk to me for 10 minutes. I'd rather that than this checking in all day. Ugh. We've

1454
01:14:16.620 --> 01:14:22.300
got time for that. But that's just me. I'm old, so that's just my advice. I'd say whatever

1455
01:14:22.300 --> 01:14:28.400
form of communication you want, you ask for it, and you take the lead on it. And if they

1456
01:14:28.400 --> 01:14:32.940
don't pick up that lead with you, then they're probably not your person if they're not going

1457
01:14:32.940 --> 01:14:40.500
to move towards what you need. Um, yeah. But again, hopefully that helps. Um, well,

1458
01:14:40.500 --> 01:14:45.460
it's 23 after the hour. So this is a great note to end on. It was so fun being in the

1459
01:14:45.460 --> 01:14:49.320
middle of the day with you. So I don't get to see some of you all the time. Um, it was

1460
01:14:49.320 --> 01:14:53.600
fun being with you. If you're watching this in replay, see you back another time. Um,

1461
01:14:53.600 --> 01:14:57.640
for those of you that can get on tonight, the link is in the post. So if you guys don't

1462
01:14:57.640 --> 01:14:59.500
know how to get to the loveseat post.

1463
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:02.720
Cheryl put it, it said right there in the comments.

1464
01:15:02.720 --> 01:15:03.560
So look for it.

1465
01:15:03.560 --> 01:15:05.680
It's the all community link.

1466
01:15:05.680 --> 01:15:07.600
So go out there tonight.

1467
01:15:07.600 --> 01:15:09.640
Obviously there might be some men on,

1468
01:15:09.640 --> 01:15:11.360
there's not always a lot of men on the love seats,

1469
01:15:11.360 --> 01:15:12.800
but they do come to some of them.

1470
01:15:12.800 --> 01:15:15.200
So if you want to be on with the camera,

1471
01:15:15.200 --> 01:15:16.460
make sure your camera ready.

1472
01:15:16.460 --> 01:15:17.480
If you don't want to be on camera,

1473
01:15:17.480 --> 01:15:19.000
then make sure your camera's off.

1474
01:15:19.000 --> 01:15:22.420
And always great, Jackie gives always great, great advice.

1475
01:15:22.420 --> 01:15:24.480
And she always ends up teaching in the middle of it.

1476
01:15:24.480 --> 01:15:26.360
So I encourage y'all to be there tonight

1477
01:15:26.360 --> 01:15:27.960
or watch it in replay.

1478
01:15:27.960 --> 01:15:29.880
Anyway, have a God bless day.