WEBVTT

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Okay, everybody, welcome to Phase 2.

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This is our weekly check-in.

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Renee Rizzo here.

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You probably saw me back in the challenge page letting y'all in, and then you got to

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work with Bethany and her team in Phase 1, and you will be primarily working with me

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and Carla in Phase 2.

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So those are your two coaches.

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So when you're hearing feedback from both Renee, me, and Carla, know that we are probably

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speaking on behalf of Jackie.

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And so that's just kind of, you know, we try to really make sure we are in alignment with

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everything that she would be actually teaching to us.

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So the first thing I like to do is kind of run through housekeeping.

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And so we always have at least one new person.

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Pam mentioned that she's here for the first time.

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Is there anybody else here for the first time?

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Oh, awesome, Samantha, you're here for the first time.

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Okay, great.

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So let me kind of just run through what the format of our time looks like together tonight.

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So I kind of run through some housekeeping.

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And then there are technically there's five videos in Phase 2, and they're all in about

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an hour, hour and 15.

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So unlike the 14 or 18 videos in Phase 1 where they were shorter, 20-minute snippets, these

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are like five full-length ones.

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And so we want to give you an entire week to watch one, journal about it, write about

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it, share your thoughts, your notes, your questions in the Facebook feed, and then go

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on to the next one the next week.

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Our encouragement is that you stay in Phase 2 four weeks.

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And let me tell you a little bit about the five videos.

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And there are four of them that I rotate, giving you a brief CliffsNotes synopsis, brief

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version of it.

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And it does not matter.

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If you're on this call and you're like, I haven't even watched that video, it doesn't

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matter.

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I'm either reminding people about something they watched three weeks ago, or I'm getting

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you ahead and getting you prepared for a video.

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I will then go over what we call the weekly talking points.

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As we read your comments in roll call and the posts, we start to see themes rise up.

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And we're like, oh, this is happening a lot.

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So we're going to bring this point back up to kind of get you all back on the same page.

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We're going to go into a breakout with another person for about 12 minutes.

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We're going to come back, and then you guys get to ask me any dating question that you

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absolutely want to.

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I try to make sure every single person gets a chance to ask me a question.

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That's the beauty of Phase 2.

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You don't really get this much one-on-one time in Phase 3.

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Everything's in a much larger group setting.

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And so this is really your chance to ask me the hard stuff.

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Sometimes if you write a post, I may reply right away and turn off the comments, because

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I'm afraid it's going to go sideways in the comments, and I frankly don't want you to

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get bad advice.

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And so I really want you to unpack that story with me a little bit more live, or with Carla

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if you come in on the 1 o'clock time frame, so that we can actually give you the best

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encouragement and guidance that we possibly can.

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And then I'm going to give you like an activation question.

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So kind of running through the five videos.

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The very first video is called Love Story Accelerator.

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That's where Jackie kind of talks about coming out of hiding.

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She's going to give you some goals, like a walking goal.

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She's going to tell you to eat whole foods.

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She's going to encourage you to start putting on dresses and makeup.

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She's going to ask you to consider coming out of hiding.

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If your profile photo is of your boo-boo cat or dog, get rid of it and actually put a picture

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of you up.

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So make sure that your cover photo and your profile photo actually display you.

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So start to come out of hiding.

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Start to find ways in real life that you can start talking to people.

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Getting out of your house.

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I know she married her next door neighbor.

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Most of us are not going to marry our next door neighbor.

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So unless we're going to marry the UPS, Amazon, or Uber Eats guy, we're going to have to leave

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our home to actually meet people.

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And so that's really what all of it's about.

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She does issue a seven-day dating challenge.

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Y'all, some of you get so freaked out and paranoid about it.

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I do not want you paranoid about it.

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It's just like a goal to get out there and get dates.

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It could be seven dates with the same guy, seven different dates.

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It could be video dates.

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It has to either be video or live.

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A phone call does not count.

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And chit-chatting in a text exchange does not count.

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But you get to leave phase two after about a month.

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You don't have to hold out.

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You're like, oh my gosh, but I only had four dates.

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There's no, you have to complete seven dates before you go to phase three.

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So it's just a way for you to kind of get out of your head and kind of get back out

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there.

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And so it's meant to encourage you and not like paralyze you.

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And the next video is dating 101.

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And that's probably the biggest shift for a lot of you.

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And we're asking you to change the way that you're dating.

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Most of us.

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kind of find one guy, get excited about him,

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blow everybody else off and get all in with that guy

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and go, woo, right, serious.

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Or we decide right away, he's not the guy.

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We really encourage you in Dating 101

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to do discovery level two dating,

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where you're getting to know a bunch of people

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at a very high level.

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This is not superficial, but high level.

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We're asking you to not get romantic in that stage.

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Obviously, when you and a guy decide,

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hey, I think I wanna just hang out with you.

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I think I just wanna hang out with you.

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And we wanna make it exclusive.

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We call that level three.

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And then level four is engagement.

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Level five is marriage.

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And we really encourage you to not rush

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to an exclusive relationship,

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especially if you're meeting somebody

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like cold turkey online.

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You really wanna make sure you're vetting them a bit

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and you're keeping your options open.

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So that's a great video to watch.

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The next video in the arsenal

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is the one that we're gonna talk about tonight,

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which is the divine feminine video.

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So since I'm gonna talk about it tonight,

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I'm not gonna explain it.

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The next video after that is the online dating video.

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I teach it.

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Y'all, no one has been out there online dating more than me.

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No one has hated online dating more than me.

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And so if the idea of online dating

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makes you wanna throw up,

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do not start online dating until you get to that video

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because I don't want you to go in miserable

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with old mindsets.

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I really, I want you to see it as a tool.

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It's no different than we shop online

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to our favorite stores,

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but sometimes we still might go

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to a live version of that store.

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So all online is, is just a tool

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to practice your dating skills,

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get to know yourself better, give other man a chance.

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But you don't ever have to do that.

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When we get to that night,

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I will talk about other ways

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that you can meet people in real life

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if you want nothing to do with online dating.

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And then of course,

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the last video in the series is really my favorite.

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It's the boundaries teaching.

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And you might be like, oh my gosh,

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I read the boundaries book, been there, done that.

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I promise you I've been teaching on boundaries for 20 years

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and I still need recovery in boundaries.

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Most of us are here

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because we've either had too many boundaries

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or not enough boundaries.

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And I feel like that teaching is good for you

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no matter what season of life you're in.

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If you have children, how to handle your coworkers,

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how to handle your friends, your pastor, your neighbor,

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your family members, all the things.

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And so those are the videos.

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So here are the kind of rules of engagement for phase two.

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We want you to stay as active as you were in phase one.

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We want you to answer that roll call.

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There's like 200 of you in theory that are in phase two.

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And we may get 50 people who reply

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to that roll call on Sunday.

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So that post is gonna go up on Sunday morning

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and it gets pinned to the feature.

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We really do want you to check in with us

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and just tell us what's going on.

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Just like be kind of brief

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and just tell us what's going on.

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And usually Carla and I will try to respond

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to each and every single one of you.

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That roll call really, like I said,

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is how we know what to bring up this week.

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If you have a much longer story

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and or it's like the middle of the week,

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you are also allowed to create a post.

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Just like in phase one, you are not allowed to link

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to other authors, speakers, teachers, influencers,

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other books.

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We don't want you to recommend it.

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We actually at this point don't even want you guys

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to recommend other dating sites.

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Wait for the live conversation, wait for the online video,

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because sometimes some of you guys are recommending

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online dating pages that we would actually not recommend.

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And no offense, they're not paying us for the thing.

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So I'd be happy to answer those questions live

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and kind of guide you and direct you.

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And one of the, let me see, let's see.

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Stay engaged.

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Please come to check-ins as much as you can.

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If you can't come to the check-ins

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and you're watching this in replay, that is great too.

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And don't skip this process.

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You really learn so much.

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You guys, I'm a huge fan of group therapy

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and 12-step meetings,

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which is why these weekly check-ins are so valuable.

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You will learn so much just by listening

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to other people's questions and answers,

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because when it's your own story,

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sometimes you might have blind spots on,

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but when you watch it in somebody else,

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you're kind of like, ooh,

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that's what I look like when I say that?

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Like, ooh, like it's very humbling.

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And so it's a great opportunity for you to learn

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and to grow.

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Okay, I think I got through all of the,

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the housekeeping items.

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I have to change my screen just for a bit.

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Okay, let's see.

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Keep your post.

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Oh yeah, try to keep your posts brief.

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Sometimes you guys can get really long-winded

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and I don't want us to give you bad advice

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because you went on and on

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and we're not getting the full story.

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So try to keep them compact.

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Hit the highlights.

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If it's really that long of a story,

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it's probably better for a weekly check-in

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and not for you to type it anyway.

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That's probably a good gauge.

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When you are commenting on other people's posts, please try to keep it positive and try not to be super negative.

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We call it lift each other's boats up.

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So if somebody's having a really rough day and she's asking for your prayers or she's like, I had a really bad experience here instead of you being like, oh, my gosh, girl.

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Yeah, men suck. And I hate online dating, too.

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Like, that's just bringing the boats down so you can empathize with somebody, but really try to lift each other up.

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OK, so I'm going to try to put this to the side so I can keep looking at you gorgeous ladies while I'm teaching this.

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OK, so there you go. Those are the housekeeping items.

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And I got through that in 10 minutes just like I wanted to.

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We go to fast pace so you can take notes for what I'm about to go through for the next 10 minutes.

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It's also in the video. It's the Divine Feminine video.

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And so, again, this isn't meant to teach you the entire video.

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The video is over an hour long, but this is kind of like what I call the highlight reel.

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So what Jackie talks about in the Divine Feminine and you're going to have to watch it or rewatch it to hear it.

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But she talks about God's original design for when God made man and God made women.

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We are the easer. We are the helpmate.

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But the only time that the word easer is used beside to describe us, it's actually excuse me, used to describe the Holy Spirit when means warrior.

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So y'all like we're not just like some sidekick helper.

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We are an easer. We are a warrior for our man.

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And so we want to kind of pack into that.

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And, you know, ever since the fall, we kind of have gone from one end of the spectrum to the other of women being completely silenced to the women's movement.

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And now we're in this phase where people don't even want to own that they're a woman.

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Forget what their, you know, biological parts say.

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Well, I'm not a man or a woman or I'm a man, but I have a woman body parts like we've gone so in so many directions with God's design for the divine masculine and the divine feminine.

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So it's a great video to watch.

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Here are the seven characteristics that the Lord wants us to manifest that makes us kind of unique.

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And so we want these gifts different than men.

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Number one, we are called to be the nurturer.

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Now, if you are mamas, single mamas, this isn't like how you take care of your children because men don't need mothers.

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They want to date women. They don't want to date their mother and they don't want to date their therapist.

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And so they really want you to nurture them.

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And when you think of the word nurture in this sense, it means like helping something grow.

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So like when you think about planting a garden and like cultivating your vegetables or flowers, you're going to water it.

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You're going to give it nutrition and fertilizer because you want to see it grow into its fullest potential.

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So that's the way that we want to support the men that we are with.

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We want to create an environment that helps them kind of rise up and grow into what they're going to be.

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What we do not want to do is become their caretaker.

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Caretaking is something that you do for the elderly and it's something that you do for the children.

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We do not need to do that for the men that we are dating.

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And I really want you to pay attention to this one, you guys, because so many of you are so excited about phase one.

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You think it's your job to teach men how to date and teach men how to do a relationship.

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Like I'm in phase one and I need to look for a man who's like got the three M's.

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He's mature, masculine and marriage minded. And we're going to do level two dating and we're not going to do this.

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Like, no, no, no. Do not give him the whole playbook. Do not be the one to teach him.

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If you think he needs better game on how to date, then send him to 1822, tell him to go to the website, JackieDormer.com.

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And that's where we can have the men mentor the men.

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So we don't really want to be the one taking care of them, which kind of leads into bullet point number two.

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We are counselors. We give wise counsel.

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So we are good at giving like we are good at unpacking different viewpoints or perspectives and thoughts.

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That doesn't mean we're going to tell them what to do and it doesn't mean that we're going to analyze them and become their therapist.

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So if you noticed, there's a fine line kind of picture that four inches of a balance beam, like a gymnastic balance beam on one side is nurturing.

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But if you go too far over your caretaking, one side is given wise counsel.

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The other side is becoming their therapist. You don't want to do that.

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The third one is this is very close to wise counsel.

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We provide wisdom. So let me just read this to you. Wisdom is deep understanding and knowledge of a subject.

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Wisdom is the application of that knowledge. However, with a broken, unhealed heart.

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So if there's an area of your life that even though you've all done phase one.

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As you start dating, men are going to trigger some old wounds and you're going to be like,

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Ooh, I just thought I finished phase one.

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Why did this happen?

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Well, because Jackie always tells us some of the things that you're going to get healed

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from, you could only get healed from actually practicing a healthy relationship.

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You can only do so much single and alone.

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The rest of it's going to happen in that next relationship.

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So when you have a broken and unhealed heart, wisdom can turn into judgment and suspicion.

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It can look picky and negative.

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And sometimes as we age, ladies, that picky and negative shows up on our face.

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We can kind of call that resting bitch face, you know, and so we really want to make sure

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that our wisdom and discernment doesn't turn into judgy McJudgy.

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Again, wisdom, judgment.

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The fourth one is comforter and peace.

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We bring comfort, we bring peace, and we bring Shalom.

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We have breathability and comfort.

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We are an advocate and we are able to be steadfast.

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So that comfort, we bring a comforter, again, comforter, not therapist.

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And then of course the fifth one, this is one of my favorite y'all.

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Okay.

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So I'm going to own this one.

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It's one of the hardest ones for me to work on because I am a Yankee from the Northeast.

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I'm short.

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So I've had to be loud to get attention and like gain my place in a conversation sometimes.

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So this word is meek.

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Meek is not weak.

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The positive moral quality of dealing with people in a kind manner with humility and

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consideration.

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I love this phrase.

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Meek is power under control.

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It is gentle and soft, which actually takes great strength.

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It's not rigid and cold.

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So here's the thing, you guys, I don't want you to think that meek has to be quiet, but

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meek probably doesn't yell.

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And so I have to sometimes think when I use your inside voice, you know, like not only

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am I from the North, I'm also Italian, I was also a cheerleader.

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I have learned how to activate my voice to carry across a football field without a microphone.

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So I have to remember to not use my outside voice inside, especially when I get excited.

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Like when I go to my family reunion up North, I'm about to go there in two weeks, I was

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kind of paying attention to my family.

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There's like 300 of us at the beach at like seven o'clock in the morning, seven o'clock

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in the morning.

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We should be really quiet.

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Like, you know, just getting our first coffee.

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And all I could think of was, oh my God, we are so loud.

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Like no wonder people think I'm yelling sometimes.

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So you may not realize how strong your voice is kind of coming into the room.

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Hear what we're not saying.

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We're not saying be less.

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We're not saying be soft.

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We're not saying be quiet.

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We are saying consider the tone of your voice, consider your tempo, consider slowing down.

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So I have this on a sticker.

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So here's how I activate meekness.

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My sticker says slower, lower, softer, SLS, slower, lower, softer.

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So if you were a loud gal like myself, we might need to slow down our breathing, slow

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down the words that we use.

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We might have to lower our voice down an octave and we might have to soften the way that we

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say stuff.

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We might have to think about it.

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So maybe not be so direct all the time.

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Now if you're a wallflower who doesn't speak up, that's not meek either.

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Remember meek is power under control.

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So for some of you that are passive aggressive or you're introverted, you might need to learn

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how to speak up because what happens a lot of times when you don't speak up and you don't

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ask for what you need, you actually get mad at somebody when they don't give you what

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you need, but you've actually never told them what you need and you think they're supposed

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to just assume or know better.

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And most of the time people don't know what you need.

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And for as many people on this call and watching this, we all need and want different things

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from a man.

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There are some things that we want that are basic, but you know, it can be really confusing

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for men.

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Like especially now with all the conversation about patriarchy, they're like, I don't know,

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am I supposed to hold the door for her or not?

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Am I supposed to open the car door or not?

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Am I supposed to offer to pay for it or not?

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Like poor guys don't even know what they're supposed to do anymore.

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Okay.

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Number six, we are the receiver.

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We were made physically and spiritually to be the receiver.

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Sexual intercourse allows us to be the receiver of the man.

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That's just the way we were created in our womanhood is to be on the receiving end.

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And so ladies, when men offer to do something, one of your learning, one of your new techniques

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is to say, yes, thank you.

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Not no.

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If men offer to lift up your luggage.

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and put it in the thing. Don't say, I got it. Let them do it. So that's going to be one of

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your homework assignments. I forgot to put that on there. You're going to learn how to say yes,

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yes, yes. Thank you. Yes. Will you let me get that for you? Yes. That would be lovely.

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Even if you can't get it, you guys, I go to Planet Fitness and I can barely reach some

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of the equipment. And if a guy sees me struggling and he offers to help, I used to climb up on the

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chair to reach stuff. Now I say, gosh, yes, that would be lovely. Or guess what? I'm even getting

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bolder and braver. I actually go, Hey, can you grab this for me? And you know what? There,

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a guy has never said no. They will always, because guess what guys want to be the giver

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because that's what they were made to be. And then number seven, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.

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Some of you are already showing signs of stress and desperation and frustration. And I promise

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you, if you're not having fun in this season, you are going to be like a wet noodle and men are

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going to be able to sniff that out a mile away. And they're not going to want to hang out with you.

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Men want to have fun. So we have to have fun. So our seven words are, we need to be the nurturer,

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the counselor. We need to be a wisdom, comforter, meek, receiver, and bud. So again, way more to

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unpack if you watch the video. So I want you to be thinking about that because when you go into

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your breakout room, I want you to be thinking about which one of those characteristics you think

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you do super well, or maybe an overuse of it. Like, you know, I think I'm a really good nurturer,

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but golly, I think I turn into caretaker faster than I realize, and I need to rein that in.

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And then you're going to be picking one of those words that you want to activate. So those words

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are nurture, counsel, wisdom, comfort, meek, receiver, and fun. All right. So there's only

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three other topics I want to briefly go over that we're seeing in the feed and in your comments.

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And then we're going to have you guys go into your breakout. And this is really important.

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We want you guys to give encouragement and feedback to each other. But some of you are

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turning in your feedback to coaching and telling them what to do. Remember, in the same way,

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I don't care what your job title is. I don't care if you're a wellness coach, a therapist, a pastor.

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In this space, you are the student. You are here to receive. And to be honest with you,

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here's what happens. When we start coaching other people, we stop working on our own stuff. And a

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lot of you guys are in this program because you've spent a lifetime taking care of everybody else but

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yourself. So I want you to be super selfish and focus on what you need. So I'm okay with you

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encouraging other people. But some of you are turning into therapists. And I really want you

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to rein that in. Please let Jackie, Bethany, Carla, or myself be the ones to tell people what

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to do. So if it sounds like you're telling them what to do, you're probably coaching too much.

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What you could say is, hey, here's what I would do in this situation. Or here's what's coming up

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for me. So you're basically sharing your opinion. You can share your opinion. You can share your

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encouragement. We really want to make sure that you are curious and compassionate. So those are

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my favorite words, curious and compassionate. So sometimes that means asking a curious question

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back before you even given your answers. Also be really very, very loving and compassionate.

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Sometimes you're like, oh my gosh, well, he's being a jerk. Why are you still talking to him?

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Don't say it that way, y'all. Then you're just going to make people feel even worse for even

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bringing it up. And they're not going to be as comfortable sharing a post. So there are times

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when people share posts and they kind of already know the answer and they just need confirmation of

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that answer. So what we don't want to do is like shame women for like, because here's the thing,

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y'all, I mean, I still mess up. I still mess up. And as you know, last week, I like owned a lot of

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my mess up. I can tell you all the things I did right in this last relationship I was in. And I

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can tell you all the things I did not do right. And I thought, well, dang it, I still got some

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work to do. And so we're all in this learning process together, which kind of brings me to

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our second point. We are here for heart healing, you guys. And it means that we are going to date

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differently. Some of you are giving advice that says, well, don't answer the next time he calls,

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act really busy. We don't play games. We don't play games, but we are adult women who are not

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desperate. So I don't want you to feel like you are a puppy dog, you know, running after men or

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like coming to them every time they call you. But I also don't want you to lie and manipulate

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your way or be coy and playing a game to kind of get them to kind of come back into the camp.

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We need to trust that the Holy Spirit is with us, guiding the way we speak, the way we respond.

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We are trusting that God is writing our love story for us. And so,

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like somebody bravely asked, like, hey, I'm going to be at a missions

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conference. How do I tell people that I'm single and ready to mingle? And somebody put like,

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put single and Pringle on, singles and Pringle on your t-shirt. And it's cute and it's funny,

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but you guys, if it's a work conference, you don't do that. Like, there's still some

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professionalism that we're going to do. So you can be friendly. You can pray every morning,

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like Jackie said, like God opened doors for me, give me opportunities, bring situations to me.

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When you're around people, you can be friendly, you can flirt. But like, I would never encourage

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you guys to go to a work conference, ignore all the women, only talk to the men. Like,

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could you imagine if like some of the men start figuring out like, okay, who's the weirdo? Just

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like, she's not even here for the conference. She's just like all over us. Like that's just

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starting to creep me out. So I love that she asked that question because we're all potentially

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guilty of trying to do too much and kind of making it happen. So we're not going to try to make it

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happen, which really goes into my last bullet point, be anxious for nothing. Philippians kind

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of talks about that. And men can sniff out our anxious, desperate, worrisome. I said, men can

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sniff out anxious, desperate, worrisome women. They are not attracted to that. In phase two,

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you are here to discover and explore. There's going to be an ebb and flow to it. Sometimes

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you're going to have 10 different guys to talk to and you're going to like not figure out how

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to balance that. Other times it's going to feel like the Sahara desert. You're gonna be like, oh

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my gosh, I haven't seen a man or human in like three weeks. What's going on? And we just want

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you to know that there's going to be an ebb and flow to this. It's not like some magic pill is

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going to happen and you're going to instantly find your spirit mate next week. You might, and that's

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great. And I'll celebrate with you if you do, but this is a real big discovery. The other thing,

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especially because it's summertime, you guys, I want to make sure you're getting out there and

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you're living life and you're doing things that you love. So you do not need to put aside taking

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care of your body, taking care of your health, your spiritual health, find an activity, volunteer

449
00:26:56.320 --> 00:27:02.000
for a group, take a paint class. Like make sure if you are bored and lonely and you are not meeting

450
00:27:02.000 --> 00:27:06.800
men, then I want you to fill up your calendar with fun things to do that is going to get you in front

451
00:27:06.800 --> 00:27:12.480
of people. Because the most random person might be the person who knows your person. It might not

452
00:27:12.480 --> 00:27:23.040
even be your person. So I'm going to cut and paste into the chat what the questions are that

453
00:27:23.040 --> 00:27:27.680
you guys are going to go in and ask each other. So here's the rules of engagement. Can you post

454
00:27:27.760 --> 00:27:49.280
those? I am going to. Okay. So it is nurturer, comforter, wisdom, counselor, no. Meek,

455
00:27:51.120 --> 00:27:56.400
receive. I think I'm missing one. Fine. Let's see. One, two, three, four, five. Oh, I think

456
00:27:56.400 --> 00:28:03.120
I got them all. I'm so proud of myself. Let me see. Let me look back. Counsel, comfort.

457
00:28:05.760 --> 00:28:09.680
All right. There you go. Okay. So take a screenshot of that. So those are the two

458
00:28:09.680 --> 00:28:13.920
questions. Now, here's what happened last week. There was like six or seven of you that

459
00:28:13.920 --> 00:28:17.200
you're in a position where you can't do one-on-one and get on camera.

460
00:28:17.200 --> 00:28:22.240
So you'd stayed in with me with your camera off. And some people were left alone. If you are left

461
00:28:22.240 --> 00:28:28.000
alone for more than 30 seconds, please come back into this main room, put your camera on,

462
00:28:28.000 --> 00:28:32.480
take yourself off mute. You guys, I have one working eye. I don't always read what's in the

463
00:28:32.480 --> 00:28:36.480
chat. I'm having a hard time with that font size. So I need you to come back in and go,

464
00:28:36.480 --> 00:28:41.840
woohoo, I'm alone. I will match you up with somebody. No one should be sitting here with

465
00:28:41.840 --> 00:28:47.200
me for 15 minutes, not getting matched with somebody. So the only way, because it's impossible

466
00:28:47.200 --> 00:28:52.720
for me to know who can get on and who can't. I'm going to do 12 breakout rooms

467
00:28:53.360 --> 00:28:57.760
because there's 24 of you. Actually, I'm going to do 11 because I don't count.

468
00:29:00.400 --> 00:29:07.520
And so right now it is at the bottom of the hour and I'm going to bring you back in like 13 minutes.

469
00:29:07.520 --> 00:29:12.320
All the rooms are open. Go and be with your people. Answer those two questions. Please do

470
00:29:12.320 --> 00:29:17.120
not dominate the conversation and hog it up. I want you to share equal time. If your person

471
00:29:17.120 --> 00:29:20.640
doesn't show up, please come back here and I will put you in another group.

472
00:29:20.640 --> 00:29:37.360
Hello? Yes.

473
00:29:38.800 --> 00:29:42.560
Hi, I'm driving. I don't think I can be able to join that group.

474
00:29:43.200 --> 00:29:48.320
Well, can you join and still talk? It's just one other person. Do you think you can talk

475
00:29:48.320 --> 00:29:54.240
while you're driving? I can't see my phone to click on the joining of the group because

476
00:29:56.960 --> 00:29:59.840
my phone is connected to my car. So I can't really.

477
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:05.440
see how to join from my when I'm driving but my phone is not next to me.

478
00:30:05.440 --> 00:30:09.680
All right. You know what I mean? I understand. I understand. I'm just making sure other

479
00:30:09.680 --> 00:30:13.280
people have somebody. All right it looks like Samantha needs to go to another

480
00:30:13.280 --> 00:30:17.680
room. So I'm gonna move Samantha. Yeah I'm

481
00:30:17.680 --> 00:30:20.160
almost home. When I get home I can join but

482
00:30:20.160 --> 00:30:23.840
well it might be too late. I'm just trying to get

483
00:30:23.840 --> 00:30:27.120
I understand. I'm just trying to get people in the room.

484
00:30:27.120 --> 00:30:32.640
Deirdre I'm gonna put you in room four.

485
00:30:35.520 --> 00:30:39.840
Deirdre I was just about to move you to another room.

486
00:30:39.840 --> 00:30:44.320
Where'd you go? Where'd you go? All right I'm gonna move you to

487
00:30:44.320 --> 00:30:46.960
room four.

488
00:30:47.840 --> 00:30:52.320
All right Deirdre I just moved you to room four. Okay.

489
00:30:52.320 --> 00:31:02.080
Okay I think I got everybody else. All right Judy you can just mute yourself

490
00:31:02.080 --> 00:31:07.520
for now and I'm gonna go ahead and actually pause the recording.

491
00:31:08.960 --> 00:31:13.200
Okay so we are back to the dating portion. This is where people are

492
00:31:13.200 --> 00:31:17.680
asking their questions and Michelle you are up.

493
00:31:17.680 --> 00:31:22.000
Okay so I wanted to know you always talk about dropping the handkerchief right

494
00:31:22.000 --> 00:31:26.240
and I feel like I don't understand it fully. So I find that if I

495
00:31:26.240 --> 00:31:29.840
meet a guy and you know you smile, you be friendly, you tell them that you like

496
00:31:29.840 --> 00:31:31.920
them and then I realize they do like me

497
00:31:31.920 --> 00:31:35.360
but nothing happens. They don't ask you out, they don't do anything. So I'm

498
00:31:35.360 --> 00:31:38.320
wondering if I'm not getting it right what else

499
00:31:38.320 --> 00:31:42.400
would I should I do to get them to actually ask you out?

500
00:31:42.400 --> 00:31:49.360
Okay so yeah so one way that you can sometimes you can be super bold

501
00:31:49.360 --> 00:31:54.640
and ask them the first time like hey John oh my gosh I loved getting to talk

502
00:31:54.640 --> 00:31:57.840
to you at the coffee shop the other day or I love seeing you at church

503
00:31:57.840 --> 00:32:02.240
would you be open to getting together for coffee and getting to you know just

504
00:32:02.240 --> 00:32:06.480
getting to know each other a little bit better. Now if you're going to be the one

505
00:32:06.480 --> 00:32:10.400
to directly ask that question you kind of have to be willing to handle

506
00:32:10.400 --> 00:32:14.720
the no right but then at least you know. So if

507
00:32:14.720 --> 00:32:21.040
smiling flirting and being coy isn't working you might need to be a little

508
00:32:21.040 --> 00:32:23.280
bit more direct and say oh my gosh it was so

509
00:32:23.280 --> 00:32:26.000
like you guys here's where I've had to do this even like with some of the men

510
00:32:26.000 --> 00:32:30.080
in this community I've private messaged them to say hey

511
00:32:30.080 --> 00:32:34.400
um I've just noticed you on the Supernatural Saturday Calls I just

512
00:32:34.400 --> 00:32:38.080
I would love an opportunity get to know you a little bit better. I don't know if

513
00:32:38.080 --> 00:32:41.200
we'd be a good fit for each other or not but I sure would love to get to know you.

514
00:32:41.200 --> 00:32:44.240
Now in this community I'm willing to say it like that because he kind of already

515
00:32:44.240 --> 00:32:47.840
knows the lingo and I have to be prepared that I might

516
00:32:47.840 --> 00:32:50.960
get and sometimes I've gotten a message back that says

517
00:32:50.960 --> 00:32:54.480
gosh Renee that's really sweet you know you seem like an awesome person but I

518
00:32:54.480 --> 00:32:57.760
really don't want to at this time. I'm like hey no problem you know go with

519
00:32:57.760 --> 00:33:03.680
God but then at least I know that I know. Sometimes the men don't

520
00:33:03.680 --> 00:33:07.760
respond I wish they would even in this program people are scared

521
00:33:07.760 --> 00:33:10.720
to like ghost people are people don't want to hurt each

522
00:33:10.720 --> 00:33:14.880
other's feelings and so sometimes or you might get an answer from a guy

523
00:33:14.880 --> 00:33:18.320
that says oh my gosh yeah let's definitely do something sometime

524
00:33:18.320 --> 00:33:22.160
but then they don't book that date that's just their polite way of saying

525
00:33:22.160 --> 00:33:24.960
I'm not really interested in getting to know you so

526
00:33:24.960 --> 00:33:28.240
um Michelle that that's how I would do it I mean if

527
00:33:28.240 --> 00:33:32.400
you feel like you're getting enough reciprocal

528
00:33:32.400 --> 00:33:36.640
interest from them or you're like hey I think there might be a spark here

529
00:33:36.640 --> 00:33:40.560
just be willing to kind of go for it but also be prepared

530
00:33:40.560 --> 00:33:44.240
that they might say no and if they say no that's okay then you can just move on

531
00:33:44.240 --> 00:33:47.040
I feel like it's kind of like the sales call right

532
00:33:47.040 --> 00:33:54.480
every no leads you to your yes and so I hope that helps um Rachel you're up

533
00:33:56.320 --> 00:34:02.800
so um I've had like I've spoken to

534
00:34:02.800 --> 00:34:07.360
a few a few people and even on video calls

535
00:34:07.360 --> 00:34:13.520
and even though I'm not like I'm not fully

536
00:34:13.520 --> 00:34:16.800
um you know attracted to them or or anything like that

537
00:34:16.800 --> 00:34:21.360
um I'm still trying to be very open-minded

538
00:34:21.360 --> 00:34:24.719
not about the ugly person you know it's not like that but

539
00:34:24.719 --> 00:34:31.360
um I'm just trying to be open-minded um now

540
00:34:31.760 --> 00:34:37.360
you know once I've I've gone you know in some of those calls and

541
00:34:37.360 --> 00:34:40.639
and then I'm like uh you know I'm not really

542
00:34:40.639 --> 00:34:49.120
attractive I I have a hard time um because first of all I

543
00:34:49.120 --> 00:34:53.360
I'm not after the first time I don't want to just you know like Jackie says

544
00:34:53.360 --> 00:34:56.960
don't don't it's not it's not an it's not a

545
00:34:56.960 --> 00:35:01.920
it's not a no until it's a yes

546
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:05.720
It's a yes until it's a no.

547
00:35:05.720 --> 00:35:09.640
Let me define what it's a yes until it's a no means.

548
00:35:09.640 --> 00:35:16.680
It means that there are enough things about that person that you really, really enjoy

549
00:35:16.680 --> 00:35:21.280
and you want to, you want to talk to them again, like you literally legit want to talk

550
00:35:21.280 --> 00:35:22.280
to them again.

551
00:35:22.280 --> 00:35:26.800
You're not sure if it's because he's a nice pal, a good friend, there might be attraction

552
00:35:26.800 --> 00:35:33.480
one day, but you have enough shared interest, shared beliefs, shared values.

553
00:35:33.480 --> 00:35:37.840
There's something about the conversation that you're like, yeah, like I think I want to

554
00:35:37.840 --> 00:35:38.840
talk to him again.

555
00:35:38.840 --> 00:35:39.920
I'm not sure he's my guy.

556
00:35:39.920 --> 00:35:42.360
I'm not sure I'm attracted to him.

557
00:35:42.360 --> 00:35:43.960
I'm not sure if we're compatible.

558
00:35:43.960 --> 00:35:50.400
I don't know if we want the same things in life, but there's enough yeses to make me

559
00:35:50.400 --> 00:35:52.580
want to get to know him a little bit better.

560
00:35:52.580 --> 00:35:54.880
That's what we mean by it's a yes until it's no.

561
00:35:54.880 --> 00:35:56.280
Here's what it doesn't mean.

562
00:35:56.280 --> 00:36:00.400
If you want to pluck your eyeballs out because the day is so horrendously boring and you're

563
00:36:00.400 --> 00:36:04.760
like you're ready to fall asleep or you can't wait for the 60 minutes to be up, no, we do

564
00:36:04.760 --> 00:36:07.680
not want you to go out with him again.

565
00:36:07.680 --> 00:36:13.040
Or if you can tell right away that he has no shared value system with you, like, hey,

566
00:36:13.040 --> 00:36:16.240
it was really nice getting to know you, but I kind of think we want different things and

567
00:36:16.240 --> 00:36:20.360
I wish you the very best.

568
00:36:20.360 --> 00:36:22.600
So that holds true for video dates.

569
00:36:22.600 --> 00:36:28.040
If you have a video date with a guy, whether you thought it was clunky or not, or you thought

570
00:36:28.040 --> 00:36:34.320
he was cute or not, if there was enough things about him and or his values that line up with

571
00:36:34.320 --> 00:36:37.360
what you want, you give him another chance.

572
00:36:37.360 --> 00:36:42.760
If you're not sure that you're compatible or you're attracted to him, you want to give

573
00:36:42.760 --> 00:36:46.840
him the best chance of being attractive to you.

574
00:36:46.840 --> 00:36:52.280
So you want him to pick the date that he's going to be the most fun and his most comfortable

575
00:36:52.960 --> 00:36:56.720
self, because that's your best chance of seeing his best stuff come out.

576
00:36:56.720 --> 00:36:59.200
You might say like, hey, why don't you plan the date?

577
00:36:59.200 --> 00:37:00.720
Tell me something that you love to do.

578
00:37:00.720 --> 00:37:02.000
Do you like to go play golf?

579
00:37:02.000 --> 00:37:03.760
Do you want to go play Frisbee?

580
00:37:03.760 --> 00:37:05.480
Do you want to go look at antique cars?

581
00:37:05.480 --> 00:37:10.720
Like I don't care if you hate it, let him pick the thing so that you know he's going

582
00:37:10.720 --> 00:37:13.680
to show up his most comfortable self.

583
00:37:13.680 --> 00:37:16.760
And then if you're still like, eh, I don't know.

584
00:37:16.760 --> 00:37:21.140
There are women that are successfully and happily married to men that it took like four

585
00:37:21.140 --> 00:37:25.300
dates before they thought they could be physically attracted to the guy.

586
00:37:25.300 --> 00:37:29.140
But they had like the guy checked every other box.

587
00:37:29.140 --> 00:37:32.420
And so it was like, gosh, I really need to give this guy a chance because he's literally

588
00:37:32.420 --> 00:37:34.220
everything I've asked for.

589
00:37:34.220 --> 00:37:38.380
I'm just not feeling the spark yet.

590
00:37:38.380 --> 00:37:40.180
So does that kind of help you differentiate?

591
00:37:40.180 --> 00:37:41.180
Yeah.

592
00:37:41.180 --> 00:37:44.900
So then there's a second, there's a second part to it.

593
00:37:44.900 --> 00:37:55.940
So, um, after, you know, certain calls then, because I'm not really sure, did you go somewhere?

594
00:37:55.940 --> 00:38:00.060
Well, I mean, are you talking about a video call?

595
00:38:00.060 --> 00:38:01.060
Are you?

596
00:38:01.060 --> 00:38:02.060
Yeah.

597
00:38:02.060 --> 00:38:03.060
Yeah.

598
00:38:03.060 --> 00:38:07.220
So we'll do phone calls and we'll do video calls.

599
00:38:07.220 --> 00:38:11.660
And then, you know, with the same person, right, like I'll do a video call.

600
00:38:11.660 --> 00:38:14.500
And then, um, like, you know,

601
00:38:14.500 --> 00:38:15.500
Okay.

602
00:38:15.500 --> 00:38:19.260
So Rachel, how much, how much, how much first date practice do you have?

603
00:38:19.260 --> 00:38:21.340
Do you feel like you've got some good dating game?

604
00:38:21.340 --> 00:38:23.340
Like do you feel like you know how to date well?

605
00:38:23.340 --> 00:38:24.340
No.

606
00:38:24.340 --> 00:38:25.340
Okay.

607
00:38:25.340 --> 00:38:26.340
So then you need to go on these dates.

608
00:38:26.340 --> 00:38:27.340
I mean,

609
00:38:27.340 --> 00:38:28.340
No, no, no.

610
00:38:28.340 --> 00:38:30.340
I'm telling you what you need to do.

611
00:38:30.340 --> 00:38:36.980
So if you, if you think he's a nice guy and you're eh about him, you're going to go out

612
00:38:36.980 --> 00:38:39.940
on a date with him because you need to learn how to practice dating.

613
00:38:39.940 --> 00:38:44.500
If you're thinking you're dating game is like, and it's like, you got to dust off your

614
00:38:44.500 --> 00:38:46.500
dating skills again.

615
00:38:46.500 --> 00:38:47.500
Kind of like what I just said.

616
00:38:47.500 --> 00:38:49.220
I don't know how to date at all.

617
00:38:49.220 --> 00:38:50.220
Okay.

618
00:38:50.220 --> 00:38:52.380
Then that's why you need to go out on those dang dates, Michelle.

619
00:38:52.380 --> 00:38:53.380
I mean, Rachel.

620
00:38:53.380 --> 00:38:57.220
Cause it's, it's just like what I just said to Michelle or to somebody else, like you've

621
00:38:57.220 --> 00:38:58.220
got a PR or Heidi.

622
00:38:58.220 --> 00:38:59.220
I think it was Heidi.

623
00:38:59.220 --> 00:39:00.220
I'm forgetting.

624
00:39:00.220 --> 00:39:01.620
You got to practice.

625
00:39:01.620 --> 00:39:06.340
You want to practice with guys that you don't care which way it goes.

626
00:39:06.340 --> 00:39:12.860
They might surprise you or, and B, if it doesn't go anywhere, you've kind of learned

627
00:39:12.860 --> 00:39:13.860
how to date.

628
00:39:13.860 --> 00:39:17.620
Like, yeah, this guy, now that doesn't mean you're going to use them because you're still

629
00:39:17.620 --> 00:39:21.740
going to be nice and kind and you want to be better than you found them.

630
00:39:21.740 --> 00:39:25.900
So maybe it's some guy that hasn't had a girl say yes to him in a year and you just made

631
00:39:25.900 --> 00:39:29.340
him feel like a million bucks cause you were the first girl to say yes for a date.

632
00:39:29.340 --> 00:39:31.680
So that alone might make them feel good.

633
00:39:31.680 --> 00:39:37.760
So you feel like you don't date well in person and they want to take you out on a date.

634
00:39:37.760 --> 00:39:38.760
Let them.

635
00:39:38.760 --> 00:39:42.760
I went on my first date finally last week.

636
00:39:42.760 --> 00:39:49.080
Um, and, um, I decided, you know, cause he was like dinner or coffee, you know, or coffee.

637
00:39:49.080 --> 00:39:51.680
I said, oh, well coffee and I bring a board game.

638
00:39:51.680 --> 00:39:55.600
So, um, we played some dominoes and it was fun.

639
00:39:55.600 --> 00:39:59.960
You know, I don't think he's my guy, but, um, we've.

640
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:02.360
possibly we'll go out on another date,

641
00:40:02.360 --> 00:40:04.520
you know, just for practice, you know.

642
00:40:04.520 --> 00:40:05.520
Perfect, I love it.

643
00:40:05.520 --> 00:40:07.160
And you might be thinking the same thing.

644
00:40:07.160 --> 00:40:08.840
So you guys either might find

645
00:40:08.840 --> 00:40:11.320
that you are more compatible than you realized,

646
00:40:11.320 --> 00:40:13.320
or you might just make a nice friend.

647
00:40:13.320 --> 00:40:14.200
And you might have,

648
00:40:14.200 --> 00:40:15.400
cause here's the thing you guys,

649
00:40:15.400 --> 00:40:18.440
sometimes the dates are just to make you both feel good.

650
00:40:18.440 --> 00:40:20.960
Like not every guy you go out on a date with,

651
00:40:20.960 --> 00:40:22.160
you need to marry.

652
00:40:22.160 --> 00:40:25.840
Like maybe, like haven't you ever just had a girlfriend

653
00:40:25.840 --> 00:40:28.120
that was a good girl that was like,

654
00:40:28.120 --> 00:40:28.960
you know what, gosh,

655
00:40:28.960 --> 00:40:30.520
I'm just getting to know her at that.

656
00:40:30.520 --> 00:40:32.440
Like right now I'm here in Denver

657
00:40:32.440 --> 00:40:34.160
and I'm getting to know these 12 women.

658
00:40:34.160 --> 00:40:36.360
We live in different parts of the country.

659
00:40:36.360 --> 00:40:38.760
And for a season, they're gonna be really close with me.

660
00:40:38.760 --> 00:40:41.380
That doesn't mean we're gonna be lifelong friends forever.

661
00:40:41.380 --> 00:40:43.320
But right now for this season,

662
00:40:43.320 --> 00:40:44.760
they're filling a need in my life.

663
00:40:44.760 --> 00:40:47.680
And so that date can do that for both of you.

664
00:40:47.680 --> 00:40:50.040
You can both be like, wow, that was a really nice day.

665
00:40:50.040 --> 00:40:51.280
I got a really nice dinner.

666
00:40:51.280 --> 00:40:52.120
I went bowling.

667
00:40:52.120 --> 00:40:53.440
I saw that play.

668
00:40:53.440 --> 00:40:54.280
That was awesome.

669
00:40:54.280 --> 00:40:55.360
I didn't have to do that alone.

670
00:40:55.360 --> 00:40:56.200
Great.

671
00:40:57.200 --> 00:40:58.160
So yeah.

672
00:40:58.160 --> 00:40:59.000
All right.

673
00:40:59.000 --> 00:40:59.820
Good luck to you, girl.

674
00:41:04.080 --> 00:41:05.080
Hi, Renee.

675
00:41:05.080 --> 00:41:06.560
Hi.

676
00:41:06.560 --> 00:41:11.240
So I joined Facebook dating on Sunday.

677
00:41:11.240 --> 00:41:15.480
And so I started chatting with this man that, you know,

678
00:41:15.480 --> 00:41:19.120
liked my, like hit the like button, whatever.

679
00:41:19.120 --> 00:41:21.240
And anyways, we started talking

680
00:41:21.240 --> 00:41:25.540
and he actually invited me today, earlier today,

681
00:41:25.540 --> 00:41:28.860
to go to a nearby restaurant right by here.

682
00:41:28.860 --> 00:41:31.260
It was like 10 minutes away from my house.

683
00:41:31.260 --> 00:41:33.380
And we just had a drink.

684
00:41:33.380 --> 00:41:37.100
Like I had a, he had a beer, I had a nice tea.

685
00:41:37.100 --> 00:41:39.620
And anyway, so we're talking

686
00:41:39.620 --> 00:41:44.620
and this is like my very first date, like in a hundred years.

687
00:41:44.940 --> 00:41:46.860
So just keep that in mind.

688
00:41:47.820 --> 00:41:52.100
So we're talking and the whole time it was great in my head

689
00:41:52.100 --> 00:41:53.860
cause I was remembering everything

690
00:41:53.900 --> 00:41:56.860
that I have learned from everything that I've learned here.

691
00:41:56.860 --> 00:41:58.260
So that was a really good thing.

692
00:41:58.260 --> 00:42:00.700
But he got to the point where he said,

693
00:42:00.700 --> 00:42:05.500
so are you divorced?

694
00:42:05.500 --> 00:42:07.340
Cause you know, obviously we're both single.

695
00:42:07.340 --> 00:42:09.180
So, you know, they asked those questions.

696
00:42:09.180 --> 00:42:13.540
And so I said, well, I said, no, no, I'm not.

697
00:42:13.540 --> 00:42:16.700
And then he like looked at me and he goes, well,

698
00:42:16.700 --> 00:42:17.580
he goes, okay.

699
00:42:17.580 --> 00:42:19.860
And then I go, well, I lost him.

700
00:42:19.860 --> 00:42:20.700
Okay, good.

701
00:42:20.700 --> 00:42:21.540
Keep going, keep going.

702
00:42:21.660 --> 00:42:23.460
I said, I lost my husband.

703
00:42:25.180 --> 00:42:26.020
He passed away.

704
00:42:26.020 --> 00:42:26.860
That's what I said.

705
00:42:26.860 --> 00:42:27.700
My husband passed away.

706
00:42:27.700 --> 00:42:32.700
And then when I said that, like my eyes got watery,

707
00:42:33.100 --> 00:42:35.020
like really watery.

708
00:42:35.020 --> 00:42:37.100
And I didn't cry or nothing, but you know,

709
00:42:37.100 --> 00:42:40.540
like he could, I guess, tell that my face changed

710
00:42:40.540 --> 00:42:42.180
cause I know also how I am.

711
00:42:42.180 --> 00:42:43.300
I'm sure it did.

712
00:42:43.300 --> 00:42:46.380
And so he said, I'm sorry.

713
00:42:47.500 --> 00:42:51.500
He said, I'm sorry, sorry that I asked you that.

714
00:42:52.340 --> 00:42:54.140
And then I said, no, no, it's not, you know,

715
00:42:54.140 --> 00:42:55.860
it's not you.

716
00:42:55.860 --> 00:42:56.820
I just said like that.

717
00:42:56.820 --> 00:42:59.420
And then he goes, what did, then he said,

718
00:42:59.420 --> 00:43:01.500
what did he have, cancer?

719
00:43:01.500 --> 00:43:06.500
So then I said, I said something like,

720
00:43:07.140 --> 00:43:12.140
I don't think that this is an appropriate time to,

721
00:43:12.700 --> 00:43:16.460
I don't, you know, to explain that right now.

722
00:43:16.460 --> 00:43:18.380
I don't think that this is the right time

723
00:43:18.380 --> 00:43:20.340
for us to talk about that right now.

724
00:43:20.340 --> 00:43:21.180
That's what I said.

725
00:43:21.860 --> 00:43:23.300
Very nicely, but I did say it.

726
00:43:23.300 --> 00:43:26.260
And then, so that was the end of that.

727
00:43:27.220 --> 00:43:29.900
So I wanted to ask about that.

728
00:43:29.900 --> 00:43:33.660
I was surprised that I had such a strong.

729
00:43:33.660 --> 00:43:34.940
Reaction?

730
00:43:34.940 --> 00:43:35.940
Reaction.

731
00:43:35.940 --> 00:43:39.380
And I was like annoyed with myself a little bit

732
00:43:39.380 --> 00:43:40.740
because I didn't want to have that,

733
00:43:40.740 --> 00:43:44.380
but it just kind of came out and like my eyes got watery.

734
00:43:44.380 --> 00:43:46.660
And then I couldn't, you know, I.

735
00:43:46.660 --> 00:43:47.500
Well, but you, okay.

736
00:43:47.500 --> 00:43:49.500
So first of all, you said that this is your first date

737
00:43:49.500 --> 00:43:50.940
in a really long time.

738
00:43:51.700 --> 00:43:52.540
Yes, I've never.

739
00:43:52.540 --> 00:43:54.620
Okay, so give yourself some grace

740
00:43:54.620 --> 00:43:55.980
that it's the first time

741
00:43:55.980 --> 00:43:58.100
that you had to answer that question.

742
00:43:59.100 --> 00:44:00.180
Yes, okay.

743
00:44:00.180 --> 00:44:02.300
Right, so just give yourself some grace girl

744
00:44:02.300 --> 00:44:05.380
that it's the first time you've had to tell another man

745
00:44:05.380 --> 00:44:06.380
that you're widowed.

746
00:44:07.780 --> 00:44:08.620
Right.

747
00:44:08.620 --> 00:44:11.020
And so now you've ripped off the bandaid.

748
00:44:11.020 --> 00:44:14.380
And so now the next time a guy asks you if you're divorced,

749
00:44:14.380 --> 00:44:16.100
you can just, I mean, you have to,

750
00:44:16.100 --> 00:44:19.700
you can decide if you're,

751
00:44:20.860 --> 00:44:22.740
you tell them or not on the first date,

752
00:44:22.740 --> 00:44:23.820
you can just say, you know what?

753
00:44:23.820 --> 00:44:27.060
I'm single and I'm single.

754
00:44:27.060 --> 00:44:29.540
Or you can just say I'm widowed.

755
00:44:29.540 --> 00:44:32.260
Cause if you say the word widowed, like,

756
00:44:32.260 --> 00:44:34.060
like, and it just, and if he asks,

757
00:44:34.060 --> 00:44:35.100
and here's the thing, you guys,

758
00:44:35.100 --> 00:44:37.620
like here's an easy way to say this too.

759
00:44:37.620 --> 00:44:40.380
Like, that's a really great question.

760
00:44:40.380 --> 00:44:43.100
So sometimes I try not to lead with

761
00:44:43.100 --> 00:44:45.780
that's not an appropriate question for now.

762
00:44:46.460 --> 00:44:47.540
I try to say, that's a great question.

763
00:44:47.540 --> 00:44:49.100
And if we keep getting to know each other,

764
00:44:49.100 --> 00:44:51.220
I'd be happy to tell you about that.

765
00:44:51.220 --> 00:44:53.220
But don't apologize for your tears.

766
00:44:53.220 --> 00:44:54.820
Don't apologizing, you know,

767
00:44:54.820 --> 00:44:56.740
and you can just say, you know what?

768
00:44:56.740 --> 00:44:57.900
I just realized that's the first time

769
00:44:57.900 --> 00:44:59.220
I've said that out loud.

770
00:44:59.220 --> 00:45:00.300
Wow, I didn't realize.

771
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:02.200
I was going to have that reaction.

772
00:45:02.200 --> 00:45:03.840
I guess we ripped off that Band-Aid.

773
00:45:03.840 --> 00:45:04.600
Like, you know what I'm saying?

774
00:45:04.600 --> 00:45:05.840
Like, just kind of own it.

775
00:45:05.840 --> 00:45:06.960
Like, it's OK.

776
00:45:06.960 --> 00:45:09.920
So do you want to see him again?

777
00:45:09.920 --> 00:45:12.520
No, because what happened at the very end,

778
00:45:12.520 --> 00:45:15.280
this is the other thing that happened.

779
00:45:15.280 --> 00:45:19.080
So everything was over, and we parked at different areas.

780
00:45:19.080 --> 00:45:22.080
And he said, do you mind if I walk you to your car?

781
00:45:22.080 --> 00:45:23.760
And I said, no, that's OK.

782
00:45:23.760 --> 00:45:25.160
No, that's fine, I said.

783
00:45:25.160 --> 00:45:26.360
So he walked me to my car.

784
00:45:26.360 --> 00:45:28.760
And when we get to the car, he leaned over

785
00:45:28.760 --> 00:45:31.760
to give me a kiss on the cheek.

786
00:45:31.760 --> 00:45:37.840
And so I pulled back because too soon in my,

787
00:45:37.840 --> 00:45:39.560
it was too soon for me.

788
00:45:39.560 --> 00:45:44.920
Like, OK, it was just, I didn't, I felt it wasn't appropriate.

789
00:45:44.920 --> 00:45:48.360
And that's, I don't know why I felt that, but I did.

790
00:45:48.360 --> 00:45:51.600
And so then he kind of looked at me,

791
00:45:51.600 --> 00:45:53.400
and then he still leaned in again

792
00:45:53.400 --> 00:45:55.880
and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

793
00:45:55.880 --> 00:45:59.040
And I didn't do it.

794
00:45:59.040 --> 00:46:01.760
I just looked at him, and I said, OK, well, thank you so

795
00:46:01.760 --> 00:46:04.240
much, and I just got in my car.

796
00:46:04.240 --> 00:46:09.800
But I was kind of, like, turned off by that because we just,

797
00:46:09.800 --> 00:46:11.600
I've been talking to him for two days.

798
00:46:11.600 --> 00:46:15.080
We went, we met, and now he, you know, I don't know, maybe.

799
00:46:15.080 --> 00:46:16.560
OK, so here's the thing, you guys,

800
00:46:16.560 --> 00:46:18.640
and I'm glad you're bringing it up.

801
00:46:18.640 --> 00:46:24.000
But not every person has the same cultural opinion

802
00:46:24.040 --> 00:46:26.720
about a kiss on the cheek.

803
00:46:26.720 --> 00:46:27.960
You know, there are some cultures

804
00:46:27.960 --> 00:46:29.880
that think it's completely appropriate to do

805
00:46:29.880 --> 00:46:32.440
that with men and women, with hugs.

806
00:46:32.440 --> 00:46:34.440
Like, I live in the South, and, like,

807
00:46:34.440 --> 00:46:36.360
I have people that come up to me and go, oh my gosh,

808
00:46:36.360 --> 00:46:37.160
are you a hugger?

809
00:46:37.160 --> 00:46:37.920
I'm a hugger.

810
00:46:37.920 --> 00:46:40.040
Women do this to me all the time, too, you guys.

811
00:46:40.040 --> 00:46:40.920
I'm Italian.

812
00:46:40.920 --> 00:46:42.520
Physical touch is my love language.

813
00:46:42.520 --> 00:46:45.160
I just don't like strangers hugging me or touching me.

814
00:46:45.160 --> 00:46:48.320
But people, like, invade space, like,

815
00:46:48.320 --> 00:46:50.320
depending on what area of the country you're in.

816
00:46:50.320 --> 00:46:53.600
And so he might think it is a good thing or not good thing.

817
00:46:53.600 --> 00:46:57.800
Now, if we're going to pull away,

818
00:46:57.800 --> 00:47:00.320
we need to tell them why we're pulling away.

819
00:47:00.320 --> 00:47:03.320
So we need to set the boundary, like, hey, oh my gosh,

820
00:47:03.320 --> 00:47:07.040
I'm so sorry, I don't, you know, can we just shake hands?

821
00:47:07.040 --> 00:47:08.240
Can we just shake hands?

822
00:47:08.240 --> 00:47:09.960
Can we just give a side hug?

823
00:47:09.960 --> 00:47:12.760
Or, you know, like, if they go to kiss,

824
00:47:12.760 --> 00:47:14.960
I'll usually put my hand up on their chest,

825
00:47:14.960 --> 00:47:16.400
and I will reach out for my hand.

826
00:47:16.400 --> 00:47:18.880
Oh my gosh, it was so nice meeting you.

827
00:47:18.880 --> 00:47:21.320
Like, my body's going to, like, I'm

828
00:47:21.320 --> 00:47:24.080
going to direct what I'm going to accept.

829
00:47:24.080 --> 00:47:27.600
Because if we just pull back, you know,

830
00:47:27.600 --> 00:47:31.200
now, he should have picked that up, and he didn't.

831
00:47:31.200 --> 00:47:33.880
So I do understand that you were turned off by it.

832
00:47:33.880 --> 00:47:36.480
If I wasn't feeling it, I might have been turned off, too.

833
00:47:36.480 --> 00:47:38.200
But the truth is, if we really liked him,

834
00:47:38.200 --> 00:47:40.400
we might have been like, hey, hey, he just gave me,

835
00:47:40.400 --> 00:47:41.680
oh my gosh, it was so sweet.

836
00:47:41.680 --> 00:47:43.040
He gave me a kiss on the cheek.

837
00:47:43.040 --> 00:47:44.520
Like, he didn't try to make out with me.

838
00:47:44.520 --> 00:47:45.760
Like, do you know what I mean?

839
00:47:45.760 --> 00:47:48.360
Like, how we respond to that sometimes

840
00:47:48.360 --> 00:47:50.920
is impacted by whether or not we're interested.

841
00:47:50.920 --> 00:47:54.640
So it's OK that that is your boundary.

842
00:47:54.640 --> 00:47:57.920
Don't assume he knows that's your boundary.

843
00:47:57.920 --> 00:47:58.960
So it's OK.

844
00:47:58.960 --> 00:48:02.560
This is a good first practice date for you.

845
00:48:02.560 --> 00:48:04.560
Totally good.

846
00:48:04.560 --> 00:48:05.560
So that's what I do.

847
00:48:05.560 --> 00:48:07.680
Like, if someone tries to lean in for the kiss,

848
00:48:07.680 --> 00:48:09.720
I literally will put my hands on their chest

849
00:48:09.720 --> 00:48:12.800
to kind of stop their forward momentum,

850
00:48:12.800 --> 00:48:14.880
and I will reach for my hand.

851
00:48:14.880 --> 00:48:18.640
Or if they're coming in fast and I can't get out of it

852
00:48:18.640 --> 00:48:21.520
fast enough, I will turn even more so like they're

853
00:48:21.520 --> 00:48:23.400
almost kissing my ear.

854
00:48:23.400 --> 00:48:25.840
And then I'll kind of push away and be like, oh my gosh,

855
00:48:25.840 --> 00:48:27.320
it was really nice meeting you.

856
00:48:27.320 --> 00:48:30.240
Or I might just simply say like, oh my gosh, you know what?

857
00:48:30.240 --> 00:48:33.160
I know this sounds ridiculous, but I really

858
00:48:33.160 --> 00:48:36.760
don't like doing any kind of that kind of touchy-feely stuff

859
00:48:36.760 --> 00:48:39.640
when I'm first meeting people.

860
00:48:39.640 --> 00:48:41.840
I mean, he was very nice and everything.

861
00:48:41.840 --> 00:48:43.480
I don't think he meant anything by it.

862
00:48:43.480 --> 00:48:45.160
I don't know.

863
00:48:45.160 --> 00:48:47.080
I didn't think about the pulling away.

864
00:48:47.080 --> 00:48:47.800
I just did it.

865
00:48:47.840 --> 00:48:49.000
It was a reaction.

866
00:48:49.000 --> 00:48:51.000
I noticed it was a reaction.

867
00:48:51.000 --> 00:48:54.320
And I think it was kind of rude on my part.

868
00:48:54.320 --> 00:48:57.720
I didn't mean it, but I didn't mean to be rude.

869
00:48:57.720 --> 00:48:59.880
But it just, I didn't want it.

870
00:48:59.880 --> 00:49:01.360
I didn't want it.

871
00:49:01.360 --> 00:49:03.360
OK, so Carrie, I'm going to kind of call you

872
00:49:03.360 --> 00:49:04.280
on this word choice.

873
00:49:04.280 --> 00:49:09.360
OK, so just because he went back in for a kiss doesn't,

874
00:49:09.360 --> 00:49:10.880
concerning is a strong word.

875
00:49:10.880 --> 00:49:13.240
Like, he just might like, there are plenty

876
00:49:13.240 --> 00:49:16.600
of men who like to kiss or kiss on the cheek on the first date.

877
00:49:16.600 --> 00:49:18.520
It doesn't make him a bad guy.

878
00:49:18.520 --> 00:49:22.880
It just makes him a guy with different boundaries than you.

879
00:49:22.880 --> 00:49:26.280
I know plenty of guyly people who

880
00:49:26.280 --> 00:49:28.880
think it's appropriate to hug and to kiss

881
00:49:28.880 --> 00:49:31.600
and to have sex all before marriage, right?

882
00:49:31.600 --> 00:49:33.480
So it doesn't make them bad guys.

883
00:49:33.480 --> 00:49:35.640
It just doesn't make him our guy.

884
00:49:35.640 --> 00:49:38.000
And so we just want to be really careful.

885
00:49:38.000 --> 00:49:39.880
So yes, he did lean back in.

886
00:49:39.880 --> 00:49:42.960
Now, it was obvious to you that you pulled away.

887
00:49:42.960 --> 00:49:45.000
I don't know if it was obvious to him.

888
00:49:45.000 --> 00:49:45.760
Maybe it was.

889
00:49:45.760 --> 00:49:46.480
Maybe it wasn't.

890
00:49:46.560 --> 00:49:49.080
Maybe he was testing your boundary.

891
00:49:49.080 --> 00:49:50.960
So maybe he's not a good guy for you.

892
00:49:50.960 --> 00:49:53.840
And so I would say, has he tried to go back?

893
00:49:53.840 --> 00:49:55.920
Has he tried to ask you out again?

894
00:49:55.920 --> 00:49:57.920
He asked me out before we went.

895
00:49:57.920 --> 00:50:01.200
He walked me to the car when he was.

896
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:02.520
paying for the drink, the drinks.

897
00:50:02.520 --> 00:50:04.760
He said, I would need to see you again

898
00:50:04.760 --> 00:50:05.600
if you want to see me again.

899
00:50:05.600 --> 00:50:08.120
So do you want to see him again?

900
00:50:08.120 --> 00:50:11.320
Besides that move that he made at the car,

901
00:50:11.320 --> 00:50:12.600
do you want to see him again?

902
00:50:12.600 --> 00:50:17.600
No, I would like this clarification you just made

903
00:50:17.720 --> 00:50:20.760
with the yes and what a yes really means.

904
00:50:22.920 --> 00:50:26.080
You said there's enough things about this person

905
00:50:26.080 --> 00:50:28.520
that you want to talk to them again.

906
00:50:28.520 --> 00:50:30.200
I don't think there is.

907
00:50:30.200 --> 00:50:33.040
He was kind of like, he made comments.

908
00:50:33.040 --> 00:50:36.080
I noticed like that he had like a,

909
00:50:36.080 --> 00:50:40.360
like he has a low self-esteem

910
00:50:40.360 --> 00:50:42.080
or he doesn't feel good about himself.

911
00:50:42.080 --> 00:50:45.080
I'm not sure, like he would be negative about himself.

912
00:50:45.080 --> 00:50:49.780
Yeah, that's more of a red flag

913
00:50:49.780 --> 00:50:51.760
than the kissing you at the car.

914
00:50:51.760 --> 00:50:55.240
If a man is self-deprecating on the first date,

915
00:50:55.840 --> 00:50:59.840
he's already setting up for you

916
00:50:59.840 --> 00:51:01.200
to be the one to break up with him

917
00:51:01.200 --> 00:51:02.680
if it goes wrong or something.

918
00:51:02.680 --> 00:51:04.360
And you're just not going to play that game.

919
00:51:04.360 --> 00:51:08.480
You can handle a shy guy and a slightly insecure guy,

920
00:51:08.480 --> 00:51:12.160
but if he's being self-deprecating on the first date

921
00:51:12.160 --> 00:51:15.600
and he starts saying things like you're too good for me,

922
00:51:15.600 --> 00:51:18.760
no, that's more of a no than the kissing thing.

923
00:51:18.760 --> 00:51:22.440
Yeah, he just said, I would love to see you again

924
00:51:22.440 --> 00:51:23.800
and we can go out to dinner or whatever

925
00:51:23.800 --> 00:51:25.240
if that's what you, you know,

926
00:51:25.240 --> 00:51:27.400
if you want to see me again.

927
00:51:27.400 --> 00:51:29.320
Yeah, yeah.

928
00:51:29.320 --> 00:51:30.320
Well, thank you.

929
00:51:30.320 --> 00:51:31.740
Yeah, no, no, no, totally good.

930
00:51:31.740 --> 00:51:34.080
Okay, so you guys, but I'm so glad she brought that up.

931
00:51:34.080 --> 00:51:36.960
You guys, let's just, you know,

932
00:51:36.960 --> 00:51:40.880
we decide ahead of time how you want to end dates,

933
00:51:40.880 --> 00:51:42.920
how you want to handle if a guy hugs you,

934
00:51:42.920 --> 00:51:45.480
how do you want to handle if a guy tries to kiss you?

935
00:51:45.480 --> 00:51:47.640
Like kind of already have the plan ready

936
00:51:47.640 --> 00:51:49.180
that it might happen.

937
00:51:49.180 --> 00:51:51.520
Don't assume they're jerks if they do it

938
00:51:51.520 --> 00:51:53.480
or try to do it or want to do it.

939
00:51:54.320 --> 00:51:55.840
To Carrie's point though,

940
00:51:55.840 --> 00:51:58.760
if he does kind of come back in and forces his way back in,

941
00:51:58.760 --> 00:51:59.920
then that's a boundary.

942
00:51:59.920 --> 00:52:01.340
Just make sure that you're clear.

943
00:52:01.340 --> 00:52:03.640
Don't assume a man can read your body language

944
00:52:03.640 --> 00:52:05.000
and read your mind.

945
00:52:05.000 --> 00:52:08.360
So I'm a big fan of ask for what you need.

946
00:52:08.360 --> 00:52:09.440
Sandy, you're up.

947
00:52:12.920 --> 00:52:13.760
You're muted.

948
00:52:18.200 --> 00:52:19.040
Sorry about that.

949
00:52:20.520 --> 00:52:22.080
I'm newer to the program

950
00:52:22.120 --> 00:52:25.440
and I'm just now getting myself out there,

951
00:52:25.440 --> 00:52:27.940
but I have a question about the single cities.

952
00:52:27.940 --> 00:52:29.280
Can you tell me about that?

953
00:52:29.280 --> 00:52:31.800
The closest one is Charlotte,

954
00:52:31.800 --> 00:52:35.120
which is an hour and a half and Raleigh's about three hours.

955
00:52:35.120 --> 00:52:38.120
So can you just tell me a little bit about those?

956
00:52:38.120 --> 00:52:40.240
And I think Charlotte and North Carolina,

957
00:52:40.240 --> 00:52:43.080
I mean, Charlotte and Raleigh have combined.

958
00:52:43.080 --> 00:52:46.760
And so we just have about 22 different groups

959
00:52:46.760 --> 00:52:49.920
that are made up around the country of single city groups

960
00:52:49.920 --> 00:52:52.240
of where there are currently men and women

961
00:52:52.240 --> 00:52:55.540
that are in this program that are a part of that.

962
00:52:55.540 --> 00:53:00.540
And they're really led by our volunteer kind of moderators.

963
00:53:00.560 --> 00:53:03.640
And it's just a place to hopefully try to book

964
00:53:03.640 --> 00:53:05.120
a lot of live events too.

965
00:53:05.120 --> 00:53:06.800
Like, hey, if there's a concert series

966
00:53:06.800 --> 00:53:10.120
or, oh my gosh, we're all gonna go do this volunteer thing.

967
00:53:10.120 --> 00:53:12.080
Or, hey, you guys, I would like to offer

968
00:53:12.080 --> 00:53:13.780
to meet up for a picnic.

969
00:53:13.780 --> 00:53:16.200
And so even if you live an hour and a half away,

970
00:53:16.200 --> 00:53:17.680
if the event is on a Saturday,

971
00:53:17.680 --> 00:53:19.120
you might be able to go,

972
00:53:19.120 --> 00:53:20.480
leave at 10 o'clock in the morning,

973
00:53:20.480 --> 00:53:22.240
go shoot up for lunch.

974
00:53:22.240 --> 00:53:27.240
And so it's really different cities run them differently.

975
00:53:27.720 --> 00:53:29.680
It just depends on how active everybody is

976
00:53:29.680 --> 00:53:31.340
and how close everybody lives together.

977
00:53:31.340 --> 00:53:33.680
Like I'm in the Nash,

978
00:53:33.680 --> 00:53:35.600
I kind of helped lead the Nashville group

979
00:53:35.600 --> 00:53:37.920
and I just felt like we hadn't done anything together

980
00:53:37.920 --> 00:53:38.740
in a while.

981
00:53:38.740 --> 00:53:40.420
So I was just like, hey, who wants to do brunch

982
00:53:40.420 --> 00:53:42.040
next Saturday at 10 o'clock?

983
00:53:42.040 --> 00:53:43.400
Here's the place we're gonna meet.

984
00:53:43.400 --> 00:53:46.200
Like, I just got creative and just made it up myself.

985
00:53:46.200 --> 00:53:49.080
And we had eight people show up and it was great.

986
00:53:49.080 --> 00:53:53.320
So definitely try to join that and see,

987
00:53:53.320 --> 00:53:54.480
like, it's a great option.

988
00:53:54.480 --> 00:53:57.120
So even if you're up to four hours away,

989
00:53:57.120 --> 00:53:59.400
join the city next to you.

990
00:53:59.400 --> 00:54:02.040
And as events get planned, you can either make it or not,

991
00:54:02.040 --> 00:54:03.240
but it's just one more thing

992
00:54:03.240 --> 00:54:06.480
and one more community for you to get to know folks.

993
00:54:06.480 --> 00:54:09.120
So it's definitely worth trying for sure.

994
00:54:10.040 --> 00:54:13.440
And keep an eye out because I know that Jackie's got,

995
00:54:13.440 --> 00:54:15.960
I know she's gonna be coming out with the registration

996
00:54:16.720 --> 00:54:18.360
for the last trip single events.

997
00:54:18.360 --> 00:54:21.080
And I know some of them are in the country.

998
00:54:21.080 --> 00:54:23.400
They're not all out of the country.

999
00:54:23.400 --> 00:54:25.520
Are meetings always spontaneous?

1000
00:54:26.600 --> 00:54:29.600
Can someone outside America join a single city?

1001
00:54:29.600 --> 00:54:32.800
No, but I think there's a single city in London.

1002
00:54:32.800 --> 00:54:35.560
And if you are in a country where there's not a single city

1003
00:54:35.560 --> 00:54:38.120
and you wanna help get one started,

1004
00:54:38.120 --> 00:54:40.240
email us admin at JackieDarman.com

1005
00:54:40.240 --> 00:54:41.440
and I'll connect you with Bethany

1006
00:54:41.440 --> 00:54:43.760
and she can talk to you about how to get a single city

1007
00:54:43.760 --> 00:54:45.820
started in your country.

1008
00:54:46.960 --> 00:54:48.320
Let's see.

1009
00:54:48.320 --> 00:54:50.760
So yes, so they're not all spontaneous.

1010
00:54:50.760 --> 00:54:53.120
Sometimes it's like, hey, in two weeks,

1011
00:54:53.120 --> 00:54:58.120
there is an elevation, worship come into our town or like.

1012
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:10.720
Oh, this church is putting on a singles event. Who wants to go. And so like, all right, it's going to be CMA festival. Does anybody want to go. So it's not always spontaneous. It's just really

1013
00:55:12.120 --> 00:55:24.320
How do you join a single city. I know I came near at the end. Okay, so if guide 14 has the list of all the single cities, but Facebook is Yankee right now and not all of those links are working.

1014
00:55:25.240 --> 00:55:34.120
So if you find that list of single cities like it might say single city Nashville and the link isn't working, then just go to the search bar and type in single city Nashville.

1015
00:55:34.600 --> 00:55:49.560
If you actually type in like single city New York single city Nashville. It's actually going to give you a whole bunch of them anyway and just click on it and join it and you guys Jackie is the one that approves everybody in she wants to make sure you're a legit person and so

1016
00:55:49.760 --> 00:56:00.680
Okay, so, and Murray's if they're not working. Take the name of that single city, put it in the search bar and it's going to bring up the actual live link and then you click on it and then you can join it.

1017
00:56:01.440 --> 00:56:13.840
So, but at least that gives you the name of it. So you know what the name of the single city is. There you go. All right, guys. This was fun tonight. So I'm so excited for all you newbies that are here and

1018
00:56:13.840 --> 00:56:23.320
Take the videos in stay connected just practice getting out there. Find fun ways to flirt. Watch the stuff cheer each other on

1019
00:56:23.880 --> 00:56:35.200
Encourage each other, lift all the boats up. It was so fun to see you and I will see you. I will either see you next week or you will be joining with Jackie and you will find out

1020
00:56:35.200 --> 00:56:48.320
By Monday. So if you don't get on Facebook, very often always check Facebook page Sundays, the roll call post. And if you ever going to be combined with Jackie's class on Tuesdays, you'll always post it by Monday.

1021
00:56:48.920 --> 00:56:54.600
So we want you to be aware of that. All right. God bless you guys. Have a great rest of the week.