WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:05.840 All right, welcome to phase two weekly check-in. 2 00:00:05.840 --> 00:00:08.680 We are super excited that you are here. 3 00:00:09.500 --> 00:00:12.540 Thank you for letting us know. 4 00:00:12.900 --> 00:00:14.780 My contacts are really kind of fuzzy tonight. 5 00:00:14.780 --> 00:00:20.380 So if I don't see your comment in the chat, please make sure you stop me to ask it out loud. 6 00:00:21.280 --> 00:00:23.400 So I'm excited to be with you tonight. 7 00:00:23.400 --> 00:00:25.820 I actually am always excited to be with you guys. 8 00:00:25.880 --> 00:00:29.020 It inspires me to be on this journey with you. 9 00:00:29.740 --> 00:00:31.780 How many are here for the first time? 10 00:00:31.780 --> 00:00:34.680 Do we have anybody here for the first time tonight? 11 00:00:37.300 --> 00:00:41.580 Okay, Sarah, you are here for the first time, Sarah and Miranda. 12 00:00:42.020 --> 00:00:44.300 Well, we have a fabulous, oh my gosh, and Michelle. 13 00:00:44.300 --> 00:00:45.640 I've got three people tonight. 14 00:00:45.640 --> 00:00:46.440 I love it. 15 00:00:46.560 --> 00:00:50.500 Woo-woo. All right, you know how like, do you ever see like Independence Day 16 00:00:50.500 --> 00:00:54.060 and Ben Affleck is like, you know, we're the A-team? 17 00:00:54.260 --> 00:00:56.340 I'm like, phase two, man, we're the A-team. 18 00:00:56.340 --> 00:00:57.340 That's what I've decided. 19 00:00:58.020 --> 00:01:02.700 We have fun times here because you're coming out of heartwork and you're doing like this. 20 00:01:02.700 --> 00:01:07.060 And it's funny because women go into the heartwork, like, where's my man? 21 00:01:07.060 --> 00:01:07.720 I want to date. 22 00:01:07.720 --> 00:01:10.780 And they don't want to do the dating sabbatical. 23 00:01:10.780 --> 00:01:15.740 But then they get into all the weeds of the heartwork and they're like, oh, it's so safe here. 24 00:01:15.740 --> 00:01:17.420 I don't want to start dating. 25 00:01:17.420 --> 00:01:21.280 I can't tell you how many I've seen come into phase two and you're like, yeah, 26 00:01:21.280 --> 00:01:24.440 I'm going to watch the videos and I'm going to let all the other chicks date, 27 00:01:24.440 --> 00:01:25.380 but I'm not going to date. 28 00:01:25.380 --> 00:01:26.620 I'll let you all do it. 29 00:01:26.900 --> 00:01:28.660 I'm going to watch you all mess up first. 30 00:01:28.660 --> 00:01:32.540 I'm going to learn from you and then I'm going to figure it out. 31 00:01:32.860 --> 00:01:36.420 And I'm just here to tell you there is no straight path to it. 32 00:01:37.100 --> 00:01:41.300 We kind of have to just get out there and start dating and start doing the things. 33 00:01:41.300 --> 00:01:43.540 But there's a lot of things that you can do. 34 00:01:43.540 --> 00:01:46.820 If you are not actively online, there's a lot of things that you can do. 35 00:01:46.820 --> 00:01:48.960 And we're going to make sure that we talk about that tonight. 36 00:01:48.960 --> 00:01:54.180 So let me just run through our housekeeping items, the things that we say every single week. 37 00:01:54.540 --> 00:01:57.500 So first and foremost, thank you, new ladies, for coming. 38 00:01:57.500 --> 00:01:58.900 We're excited to have you here. 39 00:01:59.420 --> 00:02:02.780 Carla teaches in the afternoon and I teach in the evening. 40 00:02:02.780 --> 00:02:06.660 It is the evening session that gets recorded, always available for replay. 41 00:02:06.660 --> 00:02:11.180 So if you need to leave for work or go do something else, always catch the replay. 42 00:02:11.180 --> 00:02:13.540 You could always fast forward to wherever you left off. 43 00:02:14.420 --> 00:02:16.860 We do go into a breakout for about 15 minutes. 44 00:02:16.860 --> 00:02:18.500 I stopped the recording then. 45 00:02:18.860 --> 00:02:22.940 So you're not going to have to wade through like 15 minutes of silence. 46 00:02:23.180 --> 00:02:25.980 There are five main videos in phase two. 47 00:02:25.980 --> 00:02:28.020 So phase two is a little different than phase one. 48 00:02:28.020 --> 00:02:36.660 Phase one had a lot of reading and it had a lot of homework questions and it had like 14 or 15, maybe even more short videos. 49 00:02:37.180 --> 00:02:41.380 Instead of all of the homework, you basically have five main videos. 50 00:02:41.380 --> 00:02:43.340 The first one is Love Story Accelerator. 51 00:02:43.340 --> 00:02:48.820 It's just the kickoff video and it's really Jackie saying, oh, you're coming out of hiding. 52 00:02:49.060 --> 00:02:57.700 And she talks to you about becoming like wearing more dresses, drinking water, starting to move, letting people know that you're ready to date. 53 00:02:58.940 --> 00:03:01.020 All the things to kind of coming out of hiding. 54 00:03:01.300 --> 00:03:06.740 The easiest thing to do is to make sure that your social media accounts have a picture of you. 55 00:03:06.740 --> 00:03:11.140 So many of us have pictures of our dogs and our children and our profile photos. 56 00:03:11.140 --> 00:03:18.780 Stop it. Put a lovely picture of you back in the profile photo and a picture with you in the cover photo. 57 00:03:18.780 --> 00:03:21.220 So it is time to come out of hiding. 58 00:03:22.100 --> 00:03:25.980 The main video that you learn first is Data 101. 59 00:03:25.980 --> 00:03:27.740 We're going to talk about that one tonight. 60 00:03:27.740 --> 00:03:29.460 So I'm going to kind of skip past it. 61 00:03:29.740 --> 00:03:31.980 The second video is the Divine Feminine. 62 00:03:32.300 --> 00:03:33.860 That sounds like kind of woo woo. 63 00:03:33.860 --> 00:03:36.660 It's not. I promise you it's not New Age Divine Feminine. 64 00:03:36.660 --> 00:03:43.580 It is God designed from the Garden of Eden what God intended for the divine masculine and the divine feminine. 65 00:03:43.740 --> 00:03:45.740 What happened when sin entered the world? 66 00:03:45.980 --> 00:03:51.940 What we've done just as a society, when we've kind of swung one way and then the other way. 67 00:03:52.060 --> 00:03:55.060 And now we're at a place where we have no idea what our identity is. 68 00:03:55.060 --> 00:03:58.660 And we have not just men, women, but we have five thousand other genders. 69 00:03:58.660 --> 00:04:05.380 And so we have done a lot to kind of mess up God's original divine masculine, feminine. 70 00:04:05.700 --> 00:04:09.020 And so Jackie impacts that in the Divine Feminine video. 71 00:04:09.500 --> 00:04:12.220 In the next video, it is online dating. 72 00:04:12.220 --> 00:04:14.900 Now, a lot of you might go, oh, my gosh, I don't want to do online dating. 73 00:04:14.900 --> 00:04:15.500 I hated it. 74 00:04:16.019 --> 00:04:17.540 Nobody hated it more than me. 75 00:04:17.540 --> 00:04:23.140 I actually teach the online dating video and Jackie issues like a seven day challenge. 76 00:04:23.140 --> 00:04:28.580 Now, I don't know about y'all, but like I ran a nonprofit and active in my church, active at community theater, 77 00:04:28.860 --> 00:04:31.420 which means I was around married people and gay men. 78 00:04:31.420 --> 00:04:32.820 That's it. That's all I was around. 79 00:04:32.820 --> 00:04:35.980 So I wanted to like actually succeed at this dating challenge. 80 00:04:36.220 --> 00:04:39.340 I had to get back there and do the online dating thing. 81 00:04:39.340 --> 00:04:43.660 I will say this, even if you choose to not do online dating or you take a break from it, 82 00:04:43.980 --> 00:04:49.220 there is really great nuggets in there how to have those early conversations with men. 83 00:04:49.220 --> 00:04:50.700 So it's always worth watching. 84 00:04:50.700 --> 00:04:52.780 And then the final video is really my favorite. 85 00:04:52.780 --> 00:04:54.340 I teach on the boundaries. 86 00:04:54.340 --> 00:04:58.260 I've been talking about boundaries for over 20 years, started with Townsend and Cloud, 87 00:04:58.620 --> 00:04:59.940 and then I've pulled in. 88 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:06.000 a bunch of other work that really kind of rounds it out and how to have boundaries in dating, 89 00:05:06.000 --> 00:05:09.840 boundaries with your kids, boundaries at work, with your family and with your friends. 90 00:05:09.840 --> 00:05:15.280 So that kind of rounds it out. The ideal is that you watch one video a week, you journal about it, 91 00:05:15.280 --> 00:05:20.720 you write about it, you kind of tell us or share in the feed and the news feed. What you kind of 92 00:05:20.720 --> 00:05:24.960 had is your aha moments. I really love when you some of you guys do that. Not everybody does it, 93 00:05:24.960 --> 00:05:28.560 but I love it because you're like, hey, here are the five things that I really got out of that 94 00:05:28.560 --> 00:05:32.880 video because sometimes it's things I didn't get out of the video. And I love that I'm learning 95 00:05:32.880 --> 00:05:39.040 even from y'all. So it's really important that you do that. The goal is to stay in phase two, 96 00:05:39.040 --> 00:05:42.720 four weeks. So if you're like, oh, I already watched all the videos. I'm ready to go. 97 00:05:42.720 --> 00:05:47.040 I'm dying to get to phase three. I'm letting you just so you know, you're all stuck here with me. 98 00:05:47.040 --> 00:05:53.040 You're if you are on the app or if you're on Facebook, you are stuck with me for four weeks. 99 00:05:53.040 --> 00:05:58.240 Now, some of you are on the slow road and you've been with me for like three or four months. 100 00:05:58.240 --> 00:06:05.600 And I'm trying to get you little birdies to fly, fly, fly. And so I get on over to phase three. 101 00:06:05.600 --> 00:06:11.040 Some of you, we are migrating everybody off of Facebook. If you are new and you started in the 102 00:06:11.040 --> 00:06:16.000 app, then you've always been in the app. And it's great. You don't know the saga that those of us in 103 00:06:16.000 --> 00:06:21.040 Facebook had to go to to find Zoom links and figure out where stuff was in the portal and go 104 00:06:21.040 --> 00:06:26.480 back and forth from Facebook. So you might feel like you're missing out. You're really not. And 105 00:06:26.480 --> 00:06:31.360 phase two in the Facebook group, we are slowly getting you guys off. As soon as you finish the 106 00:06:31.360 --> 00:06:37.760 program, email us and we make sure that you move on to the next phase in the app. And David has 107 00:06:37.760 --> 00:06:42.480 been working on getting everybody moved over. And in the next week, you might be getting an email 108 00:06:42.480 --> 00:06:47.680 from us saying, hey, we're ready to move the rest of you in phase two over to phase two in the app. 109 00:06:47.680 --> 00:06:54.240 So be on the lookout for that in your email. I will put a post in the newsfeed on Facebook if you 110 00:06:54.800 --> 00:06:59.120 don't see that. And then if you don't see and you don't get the email, you will again email us. 111 00:07:00.560 --> 00:07:06.320 Phase two is just like phase one. We want you to be as active as you can, like in the roll call post 112 00:07:06.320 --> 00:07:10.400 that comes out on Sundays. Tell us how you're doing. Tell us how your week is going. If you 113 00:07:10.400 --> 00:07:16.480 have a date, please share it in the post. If you are working on your bio for your online dating 114 00:07:16.480 --> 00:07:22.560 profile, we are a very honest and loving group of ladies, are we not? We will be happy to pick 115 00:07:22.560 --> 00:07:29.440 apart your bio. Keep it super simple. So kiss. And we will pick apart your photos and or tell 116 00:07:29.440 --> 00:07:34.800 you the lighting needs to change. You need to crop it a little bit more. We're going to help 117 00:07:34.800 --> 00:07:41.520 you because we want to make sure your bios look fabulous. And so just kind of keep engaged with 118 00:07:41.520 --> 00:07:46.560 each other. We also remember the royal rules, which is lift all boats. So we really want to 119 00:07:46.560 --> 00:07:51.600 make sure that when someone's having a down day, that we try to lift them up so we don't get into 120 00:07:51.600 --> 00:07:58.960 the pity party parade. As Jackie says, there's no trophies for trauma. So if someone is in a bad 121 00:07:58.960 --> 00:08:03.280 day, having a bad day, we want to lift them up. We don't want to jump on that bandwagon and cause 122 00:08:03.280 --> 00:08:10.160 them to sink with us. Just like in phase one, you cannot link to other authors, speakers, 123 00:08:10.160 --> 00:08:16.240 influencers, yada, yada. Jackie doesn't even want you guys to link to other dating 124 00:08:16.880 --> 00:08:23.280 pages on Facebook and her websites because she's not a fan of all of them. Here is where you get 125 00:08:23.280 --> 00:08:28.320 to ask me about it. You also get to ask me in the roll call post and I will be happy to answer. 126 00:08:28.880 --> 00:08:34.559 But we just really ask that you not recommend other places that we've actually not recommended 127 00:08:34.559 --> 00:08:37.760 because there's just a few of them we have learned over time. We're like, yeah, that one's a little 128 00:08:37.760 --> 00:08:43.840 sketch. So there's the skinny on that. Good. Are we good? We good. Those are all the housekeeping 129 00:08:43.840 --> 00:08:49.520 rules. I think I got them all. Okay. So today, so what we do, since there's four main teachings, 130 00:08:49.520 --> 00:08:53.840 we start the month and we kind of review the first teaching. Next week, we're going to review the 131 00:08:53.840 --> 00:08:59.920 next one. And then we also try to pick up any topics that we saw that came up from your roll 132 00:08:59.920 --> 00:09:05.120 call post. So that's what a weekly check-in is always like. We're going to do a little teaching. 133 00:09:05.120 --> 00:09:10.240 I'm then going to pop you out to a small group for about 10 or 15 minutes. And then we're going 134 00:09:10.240 --> 00:09:14.880 to come back and you get to ask me all your dating questions. And that lasts about 30 to 45 135 00:09:14.880 --> 00:09:21.680 minutes. Again, you do not need to stay the whole time. You can watch some of it later. Which ones 136 00:09:21.680 --> 00:09:25.600 are recommended? Well, if you watch my online dating video, I'll actually answer that. When 137 00:09:25.600 --> 00:09:31.600 we get to the questions, I will be sure to answer on the online dating. But okay. So that's a good 138 00:09:31.600 --> 00:09:37.840 question. I will answer it later. Okay. So dating 101, that's the first video. Now for a lot of us, 139 00:09:38.800 --> 00:09:44.160 the way that Jackie is suggesting today, it's actually very similar to how Dr. Cloud recommends 140 00:09:44.160 --> 00:09:48.560 dating. And there's a few people that recommend this. It is the opposite of how I used to date. 141 00:09:48.560 --> 00:09:53.360 Okay. Like I'm old school. If I saw a guy, I thought he was cute. I really liked him. I would 142 00:09:53.360 --> 00:09:59.680 date a guy at a time. One at a time. This idea of dating levels and 143 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:02.660 Dating multiple people in the beginning just freaked me out 144 00:10:02.660 --> 00:10:07.940 But I have learned working with Jackie and watching other people do it really does keep your heart in check 145 00:10:08.040 --> 00:10:13.300 it stops you from moving to emotionally spiritually or physically fast with a guy and 146 00:10:13.740 --> 00:10:20.340 It lets you not decide so fast if someone's a yes or a no so that the five levels that David 147 00:10:20.340 --> 00:10:22.760 I left Jackie talks about is 148 00:10:23.520 --> 00:10:26.980 The first one is discovery. The first one's just community 149 00:10:26.980 --> 00:10:30.020 So level one is just people in community 150 00:10:30.540 --> 00:10:33.860 Everybody in last year single. Is it level one with you? 151 00:10:33.860 --> 00:10:39.820 We run into each other on prayers on check-ins on Supernatural Saturday. We are in a group setting 152 00:10:39.820 --> 00:10:47.300 We're at level one getting to know each other. It happens at church. It happens at your office. It happens at the family reunion 153 00:10:47.820 --> 00:10:52.580 Level one is just simply chit-chatting probably in large groups with people 154 00:10:53.580 --> 00:10:57.600 Level two dating now the oh, let me say this to level one 155 00:10:58.260 --> 00:11:05.540 Except for like a 12-step a a meeting where you vomit your stuff on that very first meeting with complete strangers 156 00:11:05.700 --> 00:11:12.580 You don't vomit your stuff with complete strangers in level one. They don't need to hear about your ex-husband your ex-wife 157 00:11:13.180 --> 00:11:15.900 The kid that is an addict in your family 158 00:11:16.580 --> 00:11:19.340 your embezzlement your bankruptcy 159 00:11:20.220 --> 00:11:26.940 You know what I'm saying like no one in level one in a group setting should hear your trauma and your drama 160 00:11:26.940 --> 00:11:32.180 They shouldn't know what your triggers are. You can talk about your life from a very high level 161 00:11:32.180 --> 00:11:36.060 I always think like think of the back of someone's book cover 162 00:11:36.380 --> 00:11:39.340 Think about what you would say to somebody on an elevator 163 00:11:39.460 --> 00:11:44.900 You've ever felt like somebody kind of over shared with you and you don't even know who they are and you're like, oh my gosh 164 00:11:44.900 --> 00:11:48.700 That's a little bit weird, right? Why is it? Why is that person telling me all that information? 165 00:11:49.340 --> 00:11:54.940 And sometimes you're the victim of that like sometimes you just vomited on somebody and you're like, oh my goodness 166 00:11:55.020 --> 00:11:58.700 Why did I just tell that complete stranger this about me? 167 00:11:58.700 --> 00:12:04.620 Like y'all my mom is like the typical little Italian woman at the grocery store at the checkout counter 168 00:12:04.820 --> 00:12:11.740 She thinks it's her job to tell the cashier and the people behind her why her grocery bill is so high 169 00:12:11.940 --> 00:12:17.140 How many people she's cooking for the kids are coming into town and while it's cute 170 00:12:17.380 --> 00:12:24.500 Sometimes I'm like really mom they don't need to know all this information. This is a little too much information and so 171 00:12:25.100 --> 00:12:30.580 practice level one with everybody think about the parts of your life whether it's 172 00:12:31.100 --> 00:12:35.180 Your dating life your job your career and you even need to think about that 173 00:12:35.180 --> 00:12:38.940 Like you might write in a dating profile that you work in health care 174 00:12:39.100 --> 00:12:43.260 It doesn't mean you need to say that you're a nurse or a doctor or medical billing 175 00:12:43.260 --> 00:12:49.780 You could just say health care or I'm in education or I'm in social services. You can be very broad 176 00:12:49.780 --> 00:12:54.220 So it's not that you don't say stuff about you. Like I have grown children 177 00:12:54.220 --> 00:12:57.020 I have children's still living at home with me 178 00:12:57.020 --> 00:13:01.780 Those are all fair things that you can say to people but you don't need to say the names of your kids 179 00:13:01.780 --> 00:13:03.380 You don't need to say where they go to school 180 00:13:03.380 --> 00:13:08.100 You don't need to give that kind of information out because you don't want to give perfect strangers 181 00:13:08.620 --> 00:13:13.660 Access to too much information about you. So that's level one level two is 182 00:13:14.260 --> 00:13:16.260 Where you are discovery dating? 183 00:13:16.260 --> 00:13:22.820 So if you are talking to men online if you are just at the texting stage, that's still level one 184 00:13:22.900 --> 00:13:27.220 it's not level two until y'all book a video date or 185 00:13:27.940 --> 00:13:31.300 A live date and you've got his undivided attention 186 00:13:31.940 --> 00:13:36.340 Because when you're texting you're like, oh, but I have his undivided attention. You don't know that 187 00:13:36.460 --> 00:13:39.180 There could be five guys watching him talk to you 188 00:13:39.220 --> 00:13:44.220 He could be chat and he could be cutting and pasting and talking to three girls at the same exact time 189 00:13:44.220 --> 00:13:46.540 That is not undivided attention 190 00:13:46.540 --> 00:13:52.140 So what we call discovery level two dating is where you are alone with that person 191 00:13:52.140 --> 00:13:58.060 So there's some cute guy in your small group or life group or your church and he's being super friendly with you 192 00:13:58.300 --> 00:14:04.100 That's not level two dating unless he asks you out for coffee or something 193 00:14:04.100 --> 00:14:09.900 That would be level two dating again at level two dating. We really encourage a few things again 194 00:14:09.900 --> 00:14:16.460 This is not the time especially in those first dates y'all it is so common today for people to ask 195 00:14:16.460 --> 00:14:18.460 Oh, well, why did you get divorced? 196 00:14:18.620 --> 00:14:21.980 So Renee gosh, you've never been married. Why have you never been married? Oh 197 00:14:22.700 --> 00:14:26.180 Why didn't you have any kids you guys those are really personal? 198 00:14:27.140 --> 00:14:32.300 Really inappropriate questions for us to be asking and us to be giving information out 199 00:14:32.500 --> 00:14:37.740 You can I mean here's my short answer, you know what I just really haven't found my person yet like God 200 00:14:37.740 --> 00:14:43.060 You know has really blessed so many areas of my life my career my ministry my family 201 00:14:43.180 --> 00:14:46.700 I've been able to do so many things. I just haven't found my person yet 202 00:14:46.700 --> 00:14:50.620 I'm sure some of its because I made great choices and not so great choices 203 00:14:50.620 --> 00:14:53.860 And I'm sure sometimes that the other guy did as well 204 00:14:54.220 --> 00:15:00.060 If you want to know more I'd be happy to tell you that if we continue to get to know it one another but that is 205 00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:05.200 much as I'm good, you know, I feel like it's appropriate for now. If they start over sharing 206 00:15:05.200 --> 00:15:10.880 in that discovery dating and they're like, no, no, no. And you guys, even I have a hard time 207 00:15:10.880 --> 00:15:15.440 stopping men from doing this. You're like, oh my gosh, Renee, you're so ballsy. I am. But you know 208 00:15:15.440 --> 00:15:20.480 what? Like I, the, the guy that I was the most recently in a very, very serious relationship, 209 00:15:21.680 --> 00:15:26.560 he shared way too much too soon about his ex and how he got away with it. He's like, you know what, 210 00:15:26.560 --> 00:15:31.040 Renee, I just want to be honest. And like, you admitted to me that the last guy you dated 211 00:15:31.040 --> 00:15:34.720 wasn't completely honest. So I don't want you to feel like I'm withholding information. 212 00:15:34.720 --> 00:15:40.720 So he found this fabulous way to kind of like squeeze in all this information. And you know, 213 00:15:40.720 --> 00:15:48.320 I look back now and I'm like, ah, it was too much too soon. And it was a yellow flag that 214 00:15:48.320 --> 00:15:52.800 eventually turned into a red flag. And not that that would have been the deal breaker you guys, 215 00:15:52.800 --> 00:15:57.920 but it is really good about not learning too much. The other reason why we don't want to share 216 00:15:57.920 --> 00:16:03.760 too much information in level two is you've not made enough good deposits. So you need enough 217 00:16:03.760 --> 00:16:09.440 good deposits in a relationship. So when hard stuff happens or when trauma happens, 218 00:16:09.440 --> 00:16:14.320 you can kind of withdraw from the good things that you like about him. There was another guy 219 00:16:14.320 --> 00:16:21.040 I started to do video dates with. I really enjoyed him. Like we just hit it off. But y'all like, 220 00:16:21.040 --> 00:16:26.400 I accidentally like he was, I don't know how we talked about firearms. And he's like, Oh, 221 00:16:26.400 --> 00:16:30.640 well, I go hunting, but I use a bow and arrow. I don't use a gun. I'm like, how do you like, 222 00:16:30.640 --> 00:16:35.040 how do you hunt without a gun? He's like, Oh, well, I can't, you know, have a gun. I'm like, 223 00:16:35.040 --> 00:16:40.000 I don't like this. How naive I was. I'm like, why can't you have a gun? And he's like, Oh, 224 00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:48.640 because I was convicted of a felon. And I'm like, Oh, this is too soon. I shouldn't know this. 225 00:16:48.640 --> 00:16:53.920 Cause you know, then all of a sudden I'm like Googling and looking up his record, his criminal 226 00:16:53.920 --> 00:17:00.960 record. And then I found out like in five hot seconds, he had ADHD. He was on meds. His kids 227 00:17:00.960 --> 00:17:05.680 had been cutting at school. And I'm like, Oh my gosh, this is too much information. And y'all, 228 00:17:05.680 --> 00:17:12.240 it's sabotaged everything because all I could think about was he's a hot mess. He may have not 229 00:17:12.240 --> 00:17:17.839 been a hot mess, but when I learned all of that information before he was able to deposit good 230 00:17:17.839 --> 00:17:23.280 stuff about him, healthy stuff about him, the things that he brought to the table, all I saw 231 00:17:23.280 --> 00:17:30.160 were the deficits. And so I really want to make sure that everyone realizes felons can't have 232 00:17:30.160 --> 00:17:37.200 guns. I thank you. See, I did not know that. I mean, I did not know that. Um, does that get us 233 00:17:37.200 --> 00:17:43.680 to invested quickly when they overshare it? So it's, it does like, so here's what can happen. 234 00:17:43.680 --> 00:17:49.520 It's kind of like you want to build, like you want to build, right? And so we already know that 235 00:17:49.520 --> 00:17:55.280 if you have sex too soon in a relationship, it brings a lot of false intimacy. Um, and it actually 236 00:17:55.280 --> 00:18:01.280 can hurt connection over time. The same is true. So sometimes, especially church girls, like, 237 00:18:01.280 --> 00:18:07.280 we're like, Oh my gosh, I got this abstinence thing down. Great. Woo. But like you are emotionally 238 00:18:07.920 --> 00:18:14.400 being intimate too soon spiritually. Oh my gosh, we pray together. We did a Bible study together. 239 00:18:14.400 --> 00:18:20.000 So we're creating physical, I mean, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy too soon. 240 00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:26.000 So it is just as, um, it can be just as damaging to the relationship as physical intimacy too 241 00:18:26.000 --> 00:18:31.840 soon. So that's really why we want to make sure you just get to know them. You're just getting 242 00:18:31.840 --> 00:18:36.160 to know that. Remember in the beginning, he's potentially talking to 10 other girls. You're 243 00:18:36.160 --> 00:18:41.440 talking to 10 other guys. Do you really want 10 strangers to know about your dad's story? No, 244 00:18:41.440 --> 00:18:46.400 you don't. You don't want them to know about your husband. You don't. And so it's, it's, 245 00:18:46.400 --> 00:18:53.920 so it's teaching you how to kind of reign that in and filter information. Um, and so if you have 246 00:18:53.920 --> 00:19:00.320 areas of your life that you're like, Oh, I normally overshare in this area. How do I not talk about my 247 00:19:00.320 --> 00:19:05.280 kids? How do I not talk about my ex? How do I not talk about my assault? So I want you to think 248 00:19:05.280 --> 00:19:10.800 about the topics that you have that you far too quickly and easily just say everything. 249 00:19:11.440 --> 00:19:17.520 And I want you to think about and journal. What am I going to share about this at level one, 250 00:19:17.520 --> 00:19:24.240 when I meet strangers in the grocery store, level two on those early dates, and then level three, 251 00:19:24.240 --> 00:19:30.400 level three is when he says to you, Hey, I want it to just be you and us. I don't know if we're 252 00:19:30.400 --> 00:19:35.200 ready to get married yet, but I'd like to see where this is going to go. Jackie does encourage 253 00:19:35.200 --> 00:19:42.400 us to let the men initiate it going exclusive, but we really don't like sharing really deep 254 00:19:42.400 --> 00:19:46.720 personal stuff or starting to make out with them into a level three. I don't know about y'all, 255 00:19:46.720 --> 00:19:51.360 but I don't want to be making out with a guy who's making out with five other girls like no. 256 00:19:51.360 --> 00:19:56.960 And so I also know if he's really hot and he's a really great kisser. Like if he's got some 257 00:19:56.960 --> 00:19:59.760 potential flags, I'm going to blow past them. If I just start. 258 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:01.760 taking out too quickly. 259 00:20:01.760 --> 00:20:04.300 And so we really wanna make sure that we manage that. 260 00:20:04.300 --> 00:20:06.920 So level two is discovery dating. 261 00:20:06.920 --> 00:20:09.320 Level three is exclusivity. 262 00:20:09.320 --> 00:20:11.040 I call it 3A and 3B. 263 00:20:11.040 --> 00:20:13.400 When you watch the video, Jackie does not define it 264 00:20:13.400 --> 00:20:15.480 and she may not love that I say 3A and 3B, 265 00:20:15.480 --> 00:20:16.960 but I like 3A and B. 266 00:20:16.960 --> 00:20:18.280 Because 3A to me says, 267 00:20:18.280 --> 00:20:23.280 hey, Elizabeth, I'm really enjoying my time with you. 268 00:20:23.480 --> 00:20:25.400 I would love to kind of press, 269 00:20:25.400 --> 00:20:27.880 would you be willing for us to both press pause 270 00:20:27.880 --> 00:20:30.600 and talking to anybody else to see where this might go 271 00:20:30.600 --> 00:20:32.720 and just kind of focus on each other? 272 00:20:32.720 --> 00:20:35.660 Yeah, I'm feeling kind of the same way. 273 00:20:35.660 --> 00:20:38.200 Now, we've not decided that we're getting married. 274 00:20:38.200 --> 00:20:41.560 Now, as the longer you go in that exclusivity, 275 00:20:41.560 --> 00:20:44.440 you might start having conversations about the future, 276 00:20:44.440 --> 00:20:46.600 about marriage, making sure your values 277 00:20:46.600 --> 00:20:48.240 and everything is in alignment. 278 00:20:48.240 --> 00:20:50.180 So kind of three progresses. 279 00:20:50.180 --> 00:20:52.680 Level four is engagement 280 00:20:52.680 --> 00:20:55.220 and level five is covenant marriage. 281 00:20:55.220 --> 00:20:57.480 We do have a course called Symbus. 282 00:20:57.980 --> 00:21:01.000 It's an acronym for save your marriage before it starts. 283 00:21:01.000 --> 00:21:02.800 We recommend that to anybody 284 00:21:02.800 --> 00:21:06.400 at the tail end of phase three or four, 285 00:21:06.400 --> 00:21:09.680 where you're thinking about getting engaged, 286 00:21:09.680 --> 00:21:10.600 but you're not sure 287 00:21:10.600 --> 00:21:12.400 and you wanna make sure you talk about things. 288 00:21:12.400 --> 00:21:15.680 So Symbus is a six week pre-marriage class 289 00:21:15.680 --> 00:21:17.920 that talks about blended families, 290 00:21:17.920 --> 00:21:22.920 your belief systems, gender roles, finances, sex, 291 00:21:24.660 --> 00:21:26.840 all the things, all the things. 292 00:21:27.200 --> 00:21:28.160 And it's fabulous. 293 00:21:28.160 --> 00:21:31.680 It is a great way to bring a relationship together 294 00:21:31.680 --> 00:21:33.060 or break one apart. 295 00:21:33.060 --> 00:21:35.980 I am O for two, or maybe it's two for two. 296 00:21:35.980 --> 00:21:38.040 So I have taken Symbus twice 297 00:21:38.040 --> 00:21:40.980 and I will tell you in both times, 298 00:21:40.980 --> 00:21:42.760 while it was sad to break up, 299 00:21:42.760 --> 00:21:47.760 it saved me from very hard marriages. 300 00:21:48.280 --> 00:21:49.840 I took both of them, 301 00:21:49.840 --> 00:21:52.720 talking about marriage with somebody, but pre-engagement. 302 00:21:52.720 --> 00:21:54.000 As my pastor would say, 303 00:21:54.000 --> 00:21:55.840 when you take a pre-marriage class, 304 00:21:55.880 --> 00:21:57.940 well after you've announced to the whole world 305 00:21:57.940 --> 00:21:59.000 that you're getting married 306 00:21:59.000 --> 00:22:00.800 and you've got that ring on your finger, 307 00:22:00.800 --> 00:22:04.400 it's very hard to put the horse back in the barn. 308 00:22:04.400 --> 00:22:08.360 So we in this group are big fans 309 00:22:08.360 --> 00:22:11.100 of you taking that course before engagement 310 00:22:11.100 --> 00:22:13.580 in case it's not a healthy relationship. 311 00:22:13.580 --> 00:22:15.720 Jackie will say that she's a match breaker 312 00:22:15.720 --> 00:22:17.740 as much as she's a match maker. 313 00:22:19.120 --> 00:22:20.200 Let me see, I wanna make sure 314 00:22:20.200 --> 00:22:22.640 I kind of follow all of my notes. 315 00:22:22.640 --> 00:22:23.880 I've talked about this so much. 316 00:22:23.880 --> 00:22:26.700 I didn't even look at my notes on this. 317 00:22:28.360 --> 00:22:31.840 So let's see, let me give you an example 318 00:22:31.840 --> 00:22:35.880 of learning how to filter what you say. 319 00:22:35.880 --> 00:22:37.520 Now, my dad has gone home to heaven 320 00:22:37.520 --> 00:22:40.600 and so he is not as much a part of my story 321 00:22:40.600 --> 00:22:42.760 as he was when he was alive 322 00:22:42.760 --> 00:22:45.240 and it has really evolved over the years. 323 00:22:45.240 --> 00:22:47.080 Like God has given me so much healing. 324 00:22:47.080 --> 00:22:49.820 So I say this with a lot of grace and space 325 00:22:49.820 --> 00:22:51.800 because sweet dad is in heaven 326 00:22:51.840 --> 00:22:53.960 with a fully redeemed, fully restored body. 327 00:22:53.960 --> 00:22:55.960 Everything that I was ever stressed about 328 00:22:55.960 --> 00:22:57.960 while he was here on earth has been redeemed 329 00:22:57.960 --> 00:23:00.760 and I can't wait to hug healthy, 330 00:23:00.760 --> 00:23:03.640 whole, redeemed dad in heaven. 331 00:23:03.640 --> 00:23:06.020 So I try to say this with all the respect in the world, 332 00:23:06.020 --> 00:23:09.680 but I used to vomit way too much about my dad 333 00:23:09.680 --> 00:23:11.340 and my relationship with my dad to men 334 00:23:11.340 --> 00:23:14.220 and I'm pretty sure it scared a bunch of dudes off 335 00:23:14.220 --> 00:23:17.560 or it allowed them to manipulate me. 336 00:23:17.560 --> 00:23:19.720 They would say things, well, that's just your dad issue. 337 00:23:19.720 --> 00:23:21.800 That's just your dad wound coming out. 338 00:23:21.800 --> 00:23:25.460 So be careful how you share your trauma 339 00:23:25.460 --> 00:23:28.000 and your childhood wounds with somebody 340 00:23:28.000 --> 00:23:31.440 because you don't want them to use those against you later 341 00:23:31.440 --> 00:23:34.480 and those are yours to be sacred with 342 00:23:34.480 --> 00:23:37.120 because I have had men kind of push back and go, 343 00:23:37.120 --> 00:23:39.040 you're just saying that because your dad did that. 344 00:23:39.040 --> 00:23:43.040 You're just saying that because am I really? 345 00:23:43.040 --> 00:23:46.400 And maybe, maybe, but maybe that's the Holy Spirit 346 00:23:46.400 --> 00:23:47.440 giving me discernment too. 347 00:23:47.440 --> 00:23:49.440 So just because something happened with my dad 348 00:23:50.120 --> 00:23:51.240 doesn't mean I don't have good discernment 349 00:23:51.240 --> 00:23:53.400 on when men are behaving inappropriate. 350 00:23:53.400 --> 00:23:56.000 But do you see how that could get misused, that information? 351 00:23:56.000 --> 00:23:58.760 So that's why you wanna guard that information. 352 00:23:58.760 --> 00:24:01.200 So I might say to somebody in the beginning, 353 00:24:01.200 --> 00:24:03.400 when dad was alive, like I will say this, 354 00:24:03.400 --> 00:24:05.520 now that dad has gone home to heaven, 355 00:24:05.520 --> 00:24:08.240 I won't talk about anything connected to my dad 356 00:24:08.240 --> 00:24:11.760 until like I'm engaged with somebody 357 00:24:11.760 --> 00:24:16.320 and we're talking or getting close to getting engaged 358 00:24:16.320 --> 00:24:18.720 because until then there's like, he's not gonna meet him. 359 00:24:18.760 --> 00:24:21.040 There's no reason for him to know any of those stories 360 00:24:21.040 --> 00:24:22.760 in that beginning phase. 361 00:24:22.760 --> 00:24:25.280 But when he was alive, on early dates, 362 00:24:25.280 --> 00:24:27.480 I might've said things like this, like, you know what? 363 00:24:27.480 --> 00:24:29.480 My dad worked a lot. 364 00:24:29.480 --> 00:24:31.640 He was a typical Italian man. 365 00:24:31.640 --> 00:24:33.680 And so, you know what? 366 00:24:33.680 --> 00:24:36.840 He was more focused on providing for the family 367 00:24:36.840 --> 00:24:39.160 and he was really paid attention more to the boys 368 00:24:39.160 --> 00:24:40.000 than the girls. 369 00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:41.520 Like that's just was our culture. 370 00:24:41.520 --> 00:24:43.480 I might say that in early dates 371 00:24:43.480 --> 00:24:47.000 because it's very common for that Italian culture thing. 372 00:24:47.000 --> 00:24:48.880 As I'm getting more serious with somebody, 373 00:24:48.880 --> 00:24:51.400 I might've said, you know what? 374 00:24:51.400 --> 00:24:53.120 I just wanna warn you that, 375 00:24:53.120 --> 00:24:55.320 like I know you were just teasing me about that comment 376 00:24:55.320 --> 00:24:56.920 about my food or about my weight, 377 00:24:56.920 --> 00:24:58.480 but the truth is, you know, 378 00:24:58.480 --> 00:25:00.080 my dad really was really hung. 379 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:02.720 up on my way and he really said a lot of things 380 00:25:02.720 --> 00:25:04.400 that has made me really self-conscious. 381 00:25:04.400 --> 00:25:08.820 So that's probably not a good area to tease me. 382 00:25:08.820 --> 00:25:11.240 You know, and then if we're really, really, really serious, 383 00:25:11.240 --> 00:25:13.480 I could be like, you know what, unfortunately, 384 00:25:13.480 --> 00:25:15.480 you know, just the way dad treated mom 385 00:25:15.480 --> 00:25:18.460 and the choices that dad made in the marriage, 386 00:25:18.460 --> 00:25:20.380 I just have, you know, a strong concern 387 00:25:20.380 --> 00:25:24.400 about men being faithful and about where boundaries are. 388 00:25:24.400 --> 00:25:25.920 And so I might say a little bit more. 389 00:25:25.920 --> 00:25:28.440 So do you see how like at each level, 390 00:25:28.440 --> 00:25:31.120 I'm gonna share a little bit more about it. 391 00:25:32.720 --> 00:25:34.820 And so that's how you wanna think about talking 392 00:25:34.820 --> 00:25:38.360 about your ex, your children, any big thing in your life. 393 00:25:38.360 --> 00:25:41.760 So we're not saying you just talk about sports and food 394 00:25:41.760 --> 00:25:44.320 and you have no real conversation in the beginning. 395 00:25:44.320 --> 00:25:47.240 It's just that you just give surface level 396 00:25:47.240 --> 00:25:48.960 information on it. 397 00:25:48.960 --> 00:25:50.800 Okay, so I feel like I have killed 398 00:25:50.800 --> 00:25:53.240 that little score there. 399 00:25:53.240 --> 00:25:54.960 The other thing that usually comes up 400 00:25:54.960 --> 00:25:57.760 when we talk about this is when you're dating, 401 00:25:58.080 --> 00:25:59.680 discovery dating. 402 00:25:59.680 --> 00:26:02.360 And I talk a lot more about it in the online dating 403 00:26:02.360 --> 00:26:04.280 so I don't wanna get into that much minutiae, 404 00:26:04.280 --> 00:26:05.800 but I'm a big fan of you guys, 405 00:26:05.800 --> 00:26:07.640 you're not dating if you're just texting. 406 00:26:07.640 --> 00:26:09.120 I'm sorry, that's not dating. 407 00:26:09.120 --> 00:26:11.400 I don't care if you're under 35 and you think I'm wrong, 408 00:26:11.400 --> 00:26:12.320 it's not. 409 00:26:12.320 --> 00:26:14.800 Texting is not dating, it's nothing. 410 00:26:14.800 --> 00:26:17.400 It is a form of digital fantasy land. 411 00:26:17.400 --> 00:26:19.800 It is not really being in relationship with somebody 412 00:26:19.800 --> 00:26:22.040 because if you actually get married to this person, 413 00:26:22.040 --> 00:26:23.900 for the love of God, I hope that you're not sitting 414 00:26:23.900 --> 00:26:26.160 on the couch actually just texting each other. 415 00:26:26.240 --> 00:26:28.240 By then you will have learned how to communicate 416 00:26:28.240 --> 00:26:29.080 face to face. 417 00:26:29.080 --> 00:26:32.880 So as much as possible, we want you all to be dating men 418 00:26:32.880 --> 00:26:33.720 in real life. 419 00:26:33.720 --> 00:26:35.960 We want you to move to phone calls, videos, 420 00:26:35.960 --> 00:26:38.200 and live dates as fast as possible. 421 00:26:38.200 --> 00:26:40.160 If you tell us that you've been texting with a guy 422 00:26:40.160 --> 00:26:42.360 for three weeks, we're gonna tell you that's too long. 423 00:26:42.360 --> 00:26:44.240 It is just simply too long. 424 00:26:44.240 --> 00:26:46.280 You're like, oh, but Renee, how do I get him on the phone 425 00:26:46.280 --> 00:26:47.560 or how do I get him on the video? 426 00:26:47.560 --> 00:26:49.280 You stop texting him. 427 00:26:49.280 --> 00:26:51.080 That's how, it's really that simple. 428 00:26:51.080 --> 00:26:54.120 You say, hey, I'm in this to meet men in real life 429 00:26:54.120 --> 00:26:55.600 and to date in real life. 430 00:26:55.640 --> 00:26:59.200 I'm only using this online as a tool to get to meet people, 431 00:26:59.200 --> 00:27:02.020 but I wanna move off of texting as quickly as possible. 432 00:27:02.020 --> 00:27:03.060 Those are great questions. 433 00:27:03.060 --> 00:27:04.840 I'm not answering them by text. 434 00:27:04.840 --> 00:27:07.600 I'd rather you and I see each other, hear each other, 435 00:27:07.600 --> 00:27:10.280 see our body language, tone and inflection, 436 00:27:10.280 --> 00:27:11.280 all of that stuff. 437 00:27:11.280 --> 00:27:13.920 I wanna have a real conversation with you about it. 438 00:27:13.920 --> 00:27:15.680 And if you're not there yet, that's okay too. 439 00:27:15.680 --> 00:27:17.640 Just get back in touch with me when you are. 440 00:27:17.640 --> 00:27:20.320 Boom, and then I stop answering their questions by text. 441 00:27:20.320 --> 00:27:22.720 They will either flit away 442 00:27:22.720 --> 00:27:25.080 or they will book that time with you. 443 00:27:25.920 --> 00:27:27.280 We really wanna make sure 444 00:27:27.280 --> 00:27:29.360 that you're having that video date. 445 00:27:29.360 --> 00:27:32.400 The phrase that you hear Jackie say is, 446 00:27:32.400 --> 00:27:35.000 date him until it's a no. 447 00:27:35.000 --> 00:27:36.420 It's a yes until it's a no. 448 00:27:36.420 --> 00:27:37.260 You've probably heard her say that. 449 00:27:37.260 --> 00:27:39.080 It's a yes until it's a no. 450 00:27:39.080 --> 00:27:41.600 Okay, well, here's what it's not. 451 00:27:41.600 --> 00:27:44.840 If you have a video date with him or a phone call 452 00:27:44.840 --> 00:27:48.040 or a live date and he is sexually inappropriate, 453 00:27:48.040 --> 00:27:50.440 you guys, if he's talking about his sex life, 454 00:27:50.440 --> 00:27:51.760 how often he needs sex, 455 00:27:51.760 --> 00:27:54.280 the fact that his wife didn't like to have sex, 456 00:27:54.280 --> 00:27:57.440 if he brings anything up sexually, you're done. 457 00:27:57.440 --> 00:27:59.080 Is it a yellow flag? 458 00:27:59.080 --> 00:28:00.160 No, it's a red flag. 459 00:28:00.160 --> 00:28:01.280 You're done. 460 00:28:01.280 --> 00:28:03.320 So that means y'all shouldn't be bringing it up. 461 00:28:03.320 --> 00:28:06.320 Like, I just wanna make sure he wants to be abstinent. 462 00:28:06.320 --> 00:28:10.040 No, not on the first phone call, not on the first date. 463 00:28:10.040 --> 00:28:12.000 Because once you start talking about sex, 464 00:28:12.000 --> 00:28:14.280 it's on the table and then that's it. 465 00:28:14.280 --> 00:28:16.280 Like men, they just heard sex. 466 00:28:16.280 --> 00:28:17.760 They didn't hear the abstinence in front of it. 467 00:28:17.760 --> 00:28:18.920 They just heard sex. 468 00:28:18.920 --> 00:28:21.520 And so we don't want anybody to be talking about sex 469 00:28:21.520 --> 00:28:23.240 on that first encounter. 470 00:28:23.240 --> 00:28:28.200 So if he is illegal, unethical, immoral, inappropriate, 471 00:28:28.200 --> 00:28:29.360 that's a no. 472 00:28:29.360 --> 00:28:30.440 We don't want you to go out 473 00:28:30.440 --> 00:28:32.120 with some douchebag a second time. 474 00:28:32.120 --> 00:28:35.160 So that's not what we mean by it's yes until it's no. 475 00:28:35.160 --> 00:28:39.760 Also, if the entire date was just dreaded 476 00:28:39.760 --> 00:28:42.040 and it was like watching paint dry 477 00:28:42.040 --> 00:28:44.640 and you have nothing in common with this person, 478 00:28:44.640 --> 00:28:47.120 are we making you go out a second time? 479 00:28:47.120 --> 00:28:49.680 No, you can just be kind and say, 480 00:28:49.680 --> 00:28:51.280 hey, it was really nice getting to know you. 481 00:28:51.280 --> 00:28:52.720 You seem like a really great person. 482 00:28:53.200 --> 00:28:54.160 I just don't think we're a good match, 483 00:28:54.160 --> 00:28:55.640 but I really enjoyed it. 484 00:28:55.640 --> 00:28:57.360 And thank you so much for taking the time. 485 00:28:57.360 --> 00:28:58.880 And move it along. 486 00:28:58.880 --> 00:29:01.960 Here's when we want you to say it's a yes until it's a no. 487 00:29:02.840 --> 00:29:06.000 If he has almost all the things 488 00:29:06.000 --> 00:29:07.920 that we call your God-defended list, 489 00:29:07.920 --> 00:29:09.960 because remember when you first took the challenge, 490 00:29:09.960 --> 00:29:12.440 Jackie talked about a God-defended list 491 00:29:12.440 --> 00:29:13.720 and your self-defended list. 492 00:29:13.720 --> 00:29:15.120 And you guys are gonna unpack that 493 00:29:15.120 --> 00:29:16.960 when you go into your breakout room. 494 00:29:16.960 --> 00:29:18.920 Like when you think about the things 495 00:29:18.920 --> 00:29:21.920 that after you got rid of your self-defense 496 00:29:21.920 --> 00:29:24.440 and you were trusted that God's gonna defend you, 497 00:29:24.440 --> 00:29:27.520 what are your God-defended deal breakers? 498 00:29:27.520 --> 00:29:29.800 Like for me, no smoking. 499 00:29:29.800 --> 00:29:31.280 That's a deal breaker. 500 00:29:31.280 --> 00:29:33.840 Number two, he has to be an active believer. 501 00:29:33.840 --> 00:29:35.560 I don't care about his church attendance, 502 00:29:35.560 --> 00:29:37.080 but I need to know he knows the Lord 503 00:29:37.080 --> 00:29:38.480 and I need to know it's part of his life 504 00:29:38.480 --> 00:29:40.040 and he's growing in his faith. 505 00:29:40.040 --> 00:29:42.760 Spiritual, that's not good enough for me. 506 00:29:42.760 --> 00:29:43.760 That doesn't work for me. 507 00:29:43.760 --> 00:29:45.360 Now I know some people will put spiritual 508 00:29:45.360 --> 00:29:46.560 and it does mean Christian. 509 00:29:46.560 --> 00:29:47.640 I've not encountered that. 510 00:29:47.640 --> 00:29:50.280 Every time I've gotten spiritual on a thing, 511 00:29:50.280 --> 00:29:53.280 it's been some hippy-dippy woo-woo, nothing. 512 00:29:53.280 --> 00:29:54.680 And that, I mean, I'm in seminary. 513 00:29:54.680 --> 00:29:55.880 That's not good enough for me. 514 00:29:55.880 --> 00:29:56.960 It may be good enough for you. 515 00:29:56.960 --> 00:29:58.360 I'm just saying what my deal breakers are. 516 00:29:58.360 --> 00:29:59.800 Here's what I've also learned. 517 00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:03.380 I don't have kids. I don't want a man that's not 518 00:30:04.020 --> 00:30:08.200 Involved with his children if his if he is estranged from his children 519 00:30:08.200 --> 00:30:13.180 And he's never gonna see his kids and his grandkids or his kids and grandkids would want nothing to do with me 520 00:30:13.180 --> 00:30:16.860 I realize that's not my person. I want to be a bonus mom 521 00:30:16.860 --> 00:30:21.180 I want to be a grandma and I'm not gonna be able to do it without him and his posse 522 00:30:21.420 --> 00:30:25.460 So I didn't know that that means I and I was talking about that with Jackie and she's like Renee 523 00:30:25.460 --> 00:30:31.080 I think that's a god-defended item. Like you'd make a great mom. God's not gonna withhold that from you 524 00:30:31.080 --> 00:30:34.640 He's not gonna give you somebody that that's not gonna be part of the story 525 00:30:35.280 --> 00:30:37.000 So that's your god-defended list 526 00:30:37.000 --> 00:30:43.120 so if you're on a date with somebody and you're not that attracted to him or he was a little nerdy or a 527 00:30:43.520 --> 00:30:45.520 little boring or a little 528 00:30:46.000 --> 00:30:47.240 odd 529 00:30:47.240 --> 00:30:52.320 But he had so many things about him that you liked and resonated with him. That's the guy 530 00:30:52.320 --> 00:30:53.780 We want you to give another chance 531 00:30:53.780 --> 00:31:00.020 We want you to give that guy at least two more chances and how you're gonna get him to be more comfortable as you let 532 00:31:00.020 --> 00:31:02.860 Him pick the activity next you say look 533 00:31:02.900 --> 00:31:07.580 What is the thing that makes you the most income the most comfortable the thing that you enjoy? 534 00:31:07.660 --> 00:31:13.140 Because you want to try to get sweet nerdy dweeby dude in his most comfortable 535 00:31:13.500 --> 00:31:17.620 Environment because a whole new personality might come out and you're like, oh my gosh 536 00:31:17.840 --> 00:31:23.760 This guy was nothing like what I ever thought he was or what I'd be attracted to but in his element 537 00:31:23.800 --> 00:31:30.600 He's amazing like that guy comes out. So that's what we mean by it's a yes until it's a no because 538 00:31:31.120 --> 00:31:36.280 Everybody here. We all have our type right that we used to be attracted to uh-huh 539 00:31:36.560 --> 00:31:41.400 But look at where our type has gotten us probably not in a good place. That's why we're all here 540 00:31:41.400 --> 00:31:46.620 So we need to be willing to go outside of our type. It could be height weight race 541 00:31:47.240 --> 00:31:52.080 Whatever it could be income white collar blue collar. He could be he could live further away 542 00:31:52.360 --> 00:31:55.320 You thought you were gonna get somebody with no kids. He's got three kids 543 00:31:55.320 --> 00:31:59.520 You thought you would not have anybody who's a grandfather, but he's a grandfather. I don't know 544 00:31:59.520 --> 00:32:02.960 You know I'm saying like so that's what it means by it's a yes until it's a no 545 00:32:04.560 --> 00:32:07.160 What does it mean to keep it light I think I've done that already 546 00:32:08.480 --> 00:32:14.720 And then finally like what Jackie says consider what Jackie teaches don't let your preferences 547 00:32:14.940 --> 00:32:16.940 So preferences is not a deal-breaker 548 00:32:17.380 --> 00:32:23.380 My preference it I'm 411 and I'm getting shorter every day. I swear 549 00:32:24.460 --> 00:32:30.700 So my preference would be somebody under 510, but it's not a deal-breaker. The last guy did it was 6-2 550 00:32:30.740 --> 00:32:35.420 I'm not saying I'd go back to that because there is a lot of times it was kind of I just 551 00:32:36.100 --> 00:32:38.100 It just didn't feel good 552 00:32:38.500 --> 00:32:43.580 Like I felt too small next to him and it started to make me feel not safe in a weird sort of way 553 00:32:43.600 --> 00:32:45.600 But maybe that was more him and then his height 554 00:32:46.560 --> 00:32:51.440 So that's a preference, but it's not a deal-breaker. So you guys might have some preferences 555 00:32:51.560 --> 00:32:58.200 So be careful about your preferences becoming deal-breakers. The other thing is you guys please don't stereotype and 556 00:32:59.600 --> 00:33:06.320 Women can stereotype as fast as men can so we get we all kind of complain that men get very licks looks 557 00:33:06.760 --> 00:33:11.800 Focused but we do too like oh my gosh. He's fat. Oh my gosh. He's bald like oh my gosh 558 00:33:11.820 --> 00:33:17.540 He's shorter than me. Oh my gosh. He's Catholic or he's like Church of Christ. Stop it 559 00:33:17.860 --> 00:33:22.240 So let's try not to judge all races all types all people 560 00:33:25.500 --> 00:33:28.060 Mm-hmm. Oh, okay. So when you're on in the dates 561 00:33:28.060 --> 00:33:33.300 So now that you're in this dating season the date isn't about just about finding your mate 562 00:33:33.540 --> 00:33:36.240 Okay, it is about finding out who you are 563 00:33:37.060 --> 00:33:42.340 What you like and what you don't like so you guys I went from no dates 564 00:33:43.020 --> 00:33:49.700 For like 20 years. I swear. I only had like two serious relationships got caught up in ministry and like had no life and 565 00:33:50.540 --> 00:33:57.340 Then I took date Jackie's dating challenge and I think I had 16 different dates in the first 16 weeks. It was fabulous 566 00:33:57.340 --> 00:34:00.620 There was two restaurants. I toggled between they probably thought like oh my gosh 567 00:34:00.620 --> 00:34:03.380 There's this girl again with another guy, but it was fabulous 568 00:34:03.380 --> 00:34:07.600 They were kind of looking out for me. And so I have learned so much about myself 569 00:34:08.800 --> 00:34:14.760 What I like and what I don't like I've learned so much about men and I've learned how to practice dating 570 00:34:14.760 --> 00:34:18.199 So if your dating game stinks and some guy 571 00:34:18.960 --> 00:34:23.659 Asks you out on a date and you're like, I don't know. Please go. Please go 572 00:34:23.840 --> 00:34:28.280 That is the best guy to practice your dating skills because you don't really care about the outcome 573 00:34:28.400 --> 00:34:31.960 So be friendly be flirty and you might learn like oh my gosh 574 00:34:31.980 --> 00:34:36.540 I asked too many questions or I didn't ask enough of questions or like he asked he didn't ask me 575 00:34:36.540 --> 00:34:41.860 My favorite is girls will say he didn't ask me any questions and I'll say well, did you ask a lot of questions? 576 00:34:41.860 --> 00:34:42.380 Yes 577 00:34:42.380 --> 00:34:43.179 and I'm like 578 00:34:43.179 --> 00:34:43.340 well 579 00:34:43.340 --> 00:34:49.699 what I'm learning is sometimes when we ask too many questions men can't get a word in edgewise to ask questions and they don't realize that 580 00:34:49.699 --> 00:34:55.780 We want them to ask questions. So we have to be careful how much we're drilling them on the too many question thing 581 00:34:57.640 --> 00:34:59.640 The other thing that is 582 00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:07.240 that happen too is you, God will reveal and heal something in you on a date. 583 00:35:07.240 --> 00:35:11.280 Like there might be a guy that you go out on a few dates with and his only purpose was 584 00:35:11.280 --> 00:35:12.880 to heal a wound in your heart. 585 00:35:12.880 --> 00:35:17.120 Like there might be some sweet guy that takes you out on a date and he's the first guy to 586 00:35:17.120 --> 00:35:21.000 buy you flowers, open the door and treat you to a nice restaurant. 587 00:35:21.000 --> 00:35:27.160 He may not be your guy, but he's modeling to you how well you deserve to be treated. 588 00:35:27.160 --> 00:35:29.480 And I don't want you to miss out on that moment. 589 00:35:29.480 --> 00:35:35.480 I want you to embrace that somebody might want to win you over, like embrace that. 590 00:35:35.480 --> 00:35:39.560 And then also just be careful if you have too much of a critical spirit. 591 00:35:39.560 --> 00:35:42.400 There are times that some of you guys will come back from dates and you'll give us your 592 00:35:42.400 --> 00:35:45.080 updates on the newsfeed. 593 00:35:45.080 --> 00:35:48.800 And I'm like, man, you were so critical of that guy. 594 00:35:48.800 --> 00:35:50.960 It was just a first date. 595 00:35:50.960 --> 00:35:53.080 Like how is he supposed to win you over? 596 00:35:53.080 --> 00:35:55.900 That was like a really rough assessment. 597 00:35:55.900 --> 00:35:58.760 So let's just be careful that we're not super critical. 598 00:35:58.840 --> 00:35:59.840 Okay. 599 00:35:59.840 --> 00:36:06.560 So that is the teaching on dating levels, but largely dating in one, two, and three, 600 00:36:06.560 --> 00:36:08.840 because that's where you guys are at this level. 601 00:36:08.840 --> 00:36:12.720 So I'm going to put them in the post, the two questions I want you to do in your breakout 602 00:36:12.720 --> 00:36:14.160 room. 603 00:36:14.160 --> 00:36:17.680 The first question is this, and you're going to have to take, I'm going to put it in there 604 00:36:17.680 --> 00:36:22.120 and I will put it in the broadcast, but once I put it in there, if you want to take a screenshot 605 00:36:22.120 --> 00:36:25.960 of it, like with your cell phone, go ahead and do so. 606 00:36:26.280 --> 00:36:31.040 But your first question is this, where are you going to be the most nervous or where 607 00:36:31.040 --> 00:36:34.600 do you get the most service or stuck in the dating? 608 00:36:34.600 --> 00:36:36.820 Is it just messaging them in the beginning? 609 00:36:36.820 --> 00:36:38.780 Is it dropping the hanky? 610 00:36:38.780 --> 00:36:43.000 Is it getting from a text to a video, a video to a live date? 611 00:36:43.000 --> 00:36:47.040 Is it that you get too emotionally invested and you share too much? 612 00:36:47.040 --> 00:36:49.300 Are you struggling to balance multiple guys? 613 00:36:49.300 --> 00:36:55.020 So in this whole dating thing, share with your sisters where you feel the most stuck 614 00:36:55.080 --> 00:36:58.620 or the most nervous or the most overwhelmed. 615 00:36:58.620 --> 00:37:02.700 Now the second question is this, and it's okay, this might take you a little bit longer 616 00:37:02.700 --> 00:37:05.020 to answer. 617 00:37:05.020 --> 00:37:10.500 Share what you have learned that you know is now part of your God defended list and 618 00:37:10.500 --> 00:37:15.320 maybe something that you've had to let go of that was a self defended list. 619 00:37:15.320 --> 00:37:22.320 So for me, I just told you guys the God defended list that I need to have is I want somebody 620 00:37:22.320 --> 00:37:25.160 in a good relationship with their children. 621 00:37:25.160 --> 00:37:33.520 A self defended item that I now no longer worry about is his nationality. 622 00:37:33.520 --> 00:37:35.120 Don't really worry about that anymore. 623 00:37:35.120 --> 00:37:39.280 So that's just one, that's just one area. 624 00:37:39.280 --> 00:37:42.400 I now no longer worry about his height. 625 00:37:42.400 --> 00:37:48.560 I now no longer worry about whether he's white collar or blue collar. 626 00:37:48.560 --> 00:37:54.800 I do need brain sex, so he just can't be stupid. 627 00:37:54.800 --> 00:37:58.160 But see, I'm going to call that my God defended list because you know why? 628 00:37:58.160 --> 00:38:02.040 I know what happens to me when I get bored and I think I'm smarter than the guy on the 629 00:38:02.040 --> 00:38:03.040 date. 630 00:38:03.040 --> 00:38:04.040 Like I'm just going to take over. 631 00:38:04.040 --> 00:38:05.040 I don't want to take over. 632 00:38:05.040 --> 00:38:06.940 I don't want to leave the relationship. 633 00:38:06.940 --> 00:38:08.520 So those are your two questions. 634 00:38:08.520 --> 00:38:12.800 Where are you getting the most nervous or stuck and tell everybody in your group what 635 00:38:12.800 --> 00:38:17.040 you learned as part of your God defended list and what you have to let go of. 636 00:38:17.040 --> 00:38:19.520 You do not need to share the entire exhausted list. 637 00:38:19.520 --> 00:38:24.180 You might only want to share a couple of items so everyone gets a chance to talk. 638 00:38:24.180 --> 00:38:27.140 So that's okay too. 639 00:38:27.140 --> 00:38:32.440 And I'm going to cut and paste these questions in the chat now. 640 00:38:32.440 --> 00:38:33.440 So now they're there. 641 00:38:33.440 --> 00:38:36.640 And so now you can take a quick screenshot of them. 642 00:38:36.640 --> 00:38:38.040 And I have 28. 643 00:38:38.040 --> 00:38:40.280 I did this wrong the last time. 644 00:38:40.280 --> 00:38:41.280 30. 645 00:38:41.280 --> 00:38:44.320 I have 30 people divided by four. 646 00:38:44.320 --> 00:38:47.400 That's seven groups. 647 00:38:47.400 --> 00:38:50.320 I think I'm going to do eight groups. 648 00:38:50.320 --> 00:38:51.320 Think that's what I'm going to do. 649 00:38:51.320 --> 00:38:53.840 Hey Renee, Ursula has her hand up. 650 00:38:53.840 --> 00:38:56.040 Oh, Ursula, do you have a question now? 651 00:38:56.040 --> 00:38:58.040 Because I usually do questions at the end. 652 00:38:58.040 --> 00:39:00.040 We have 40 minutes. 653 00:39:00.040 --> 00:39:01.040 Sorry. 654 00:39:01.040 --> 00:39:02.040 It's only one question. 655 00:39:02.040 --> 00:39:03.480 This is my first time here. 656 00:39:03.480 --> 00:39:05.520 I have, I didn't do the challenge. 657 00:39:05.520 --> 00:39:08.160 Can I go to the break room or not? 658 00:39:08.160 --> 00:39:09.160 Yeah. 659 00:39:09.160 --> 00:39:10.160 Well, you know what? 660 00:39:10.160 --> 00:39:11.160 You're going to go tonight. 661 00:39:12.040 --> 00:39:13.040 I'm going to let you go. 662 00:39:13.040 --> 00:39:14.040 Okay. 663 00:39:14.040 --> 00:39:15.040 Yeah. 664 00:39:15.040 --> 00:39:16.040 Yeah. 665 00:39:16.040 --> 00:39:17.040 So everybody here is in phase two. 666 00:39:17.040 --> 00:39:18.040 You're in phase two though. 667 00:39:18.040 --> 00:39:19.040 Right, Ursula? 668 00:39:19.040 --> 00:39:20.040 Yes. 669 00:39:20.040 --> 00:39:21.040 You're in phase two. 670 00:39:21.040 --> 00:39:22.040 I am. 671 00:39:22.040 --> 00:39:23.040 Yes. 672 00:39:23.040 --> 00:39:28.200 So even if you haven't watched anything yet, you can go into the breakout room. 673 00:39:28.200 --> 00:39:31.040 You'll do the best you can answering this question. 674 00:39:31.040 --> 00:39:33.760 And if you don't have a good answer, you guys can pass. 675 00:39:33.760 --> 00:39:37.960 Like you don't have to have like this long drawn out answer. 676 00:39:37.960 --> 00:39:41.960 So thank you for asking me that and confirming. 677 00:39:41.960 --> 00:39:42.960 Okay. 678 00:39:42.960 --> 00:39:46.960 Let's see if I did this correctly. 679 00:39:46.960 --> 00:39:47.960 Okay. 680 00:39:47.960 --> 00:39:50.960 I think I did it. 681 00:39:50.960 --> 00:39:53.960 It's going to work. 682 00:39:53.960 --> 00:39:56.960 Open all the rooms. 683 00:39:56.960 --> 00:39:59.960 It is now 39 hours. 684 00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.400 After the hour, I'm gonna give you like 14 or 15 minutes, 685 00:40:04.400 --> 00:40:06.440 but I'll notice if you guys stop talking. 686 00:40:26.880 --> 00:40:28.840 Hopi, Larissa, and Sarah, 687 00:40:28.840 --> 00:40:31.040 are you guys able to go to your group? 688 00:40:36.600 --> 00:40:38.760 Hey, no, I'm actually at work tonight, 689 00:40:38.760 --> 00:40:41.240 so I'm gonna hang out here, if that's okay. 690 00:40:41.240 --> 00:40:43.960 I'm gonna move somebody to room six. 691 00:40:43.960 --> 00:40:45.000 Sorry, I put it in the chat, 692 00:40:45.000 --> 00:40:46.760 but I know you mentioned your contacts were bugging you. 693 00:40:46.760 --> 00:40:49.840 You know what, I think I saw in the beginning, I apologize. 694 00:40:49.840 --> 00:40:51.560 No worries, all good. 695 00:40:51.560 --> 00:40:53.240 I'm just making sure I have at least, 696 00:40:53.240 --> 00:40:56.880 oh, this group only has a move you to room one. 697 00:40:59.840 --> 00:41:03.480 Mm-mm, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, 698 00:41:03.480 --> 00:41:06.240 one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, 699 00:41:06.240 --> 00:41:09.160 one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, 700 00:41:09.160 --> 00:41:11.960 all right, that's about as spread out as it's gonna get. 701 00:41:15.920 --> 00:41:18.520 I'm going to stop recording right now. 702 00:41:22.040 --> 00:41:23.120 Okay, we are back. 703 00:41:23.120 --> 00:41:25.920 First, I'm gonna go ahead, get your questions ready, 704 00:41:25.920 --> 00:41:27.680 so raise your avatar hand. 705 00:41:27.680 --> 00:41:30.880 I'm gonna answer the questions in the chat first. 706 00:41:30.880 --> 00:41:34.040 So let's see, Jamie, yay, if you're still on here, 707 00:41:34.040 --> 00:41:36.720 you were on this afternoon and in the evening, 708 00:41:36.720 --> 00:41:38.620 so you were double dipping, I love it. 709 00:41:39.920 --> 00:41:42.360 Technically, Carla and I have the same notes, 710 00:41:42.360 --> 00:41:44.360 but if you notice, I don't look at my notes, 711 00:41:44.360 --> 00:41:46.600 so I'm very bad at that. 712 00:41:48.360 --> 00:41:50.520 Will we still be able to come to check-ins from the app? 713 00:41:50.520 --> 00:41:53.760 Yes, it will be super easy. 714 00:41:53.760 --> 00:41:55.880 If you are not on the app, yeah, if you're on the app, 715 00:41:55.880 --> 00:41:58.160 you're like, girl, y'all don't know how good it is 716 00:41:58.160 --> 00:41:59.160 over here on the app. 717 00:41:59.160 --> 00:42:00.760 Let me just show you. 718 00:42:00.760 --> 00:42:04.280 I'm gonna give you a quickie tour of the app. 719 00:42:04.280 --> 00:42:07.720 So the app, this is like the community page, 720 00:42:07.720 --> 00:42:09.400 and it looks just like Facebook, 721 00:42:09.400 --> 00:42:11.560 that it kind of like scrolls conversation, 722 00:42:11.560 --> 00:42:13.240 and there's four tabs. 723 00:42:13.240 --> 00:42:16.900 There's All, A Win, Ask a Coach, Relationship. 724 00:42:18.120 --> 00:42:20.320 And I will say this, if you click on Ask a Coach 725 00:42:20.320 --> 00:42:24.360 and you go to Create a Post, you can write a post, 726 00:42:24.360 --> 00:42:27.680 but you have to make sure that at the bottom, 727 00:42:27.680 --> 00:42:31.000 you still click Ask a Coach and you unclick All. 728 00:42:31.000 --> 00:42:34.920 It doesn't stay there, so you kind of have to force it. 729 00:42:34.920 --> 00:42:36.840 There is a wonderful little video, 730 00:42:36.840 --> 00:42:38.920 and in the training section, 731 00:42:38.920 --> 00:42:43.280 in the training are all your phase two or phase three videos, 732 00:42:43.280 --> 00:42:45.040 just like they would have been in the portal 733 00:42:45.040 --> 00:42:46.420 that you are used to. 734 00:42:47.520 --> 00:42:50.480 But if you go to the very beginning in the welcome, 735 00:42:50.480 --> 00:42:53.120 it'll say App Tech Training. 736 00:42:53.120 --> 00:42:55.680 I did a fabulous five-minute video. 737 00:42:55.680 --> 00:42:57.640 If you have no idea how to move around in here, 738 00:42:57.640 --> 00:42:59.300 go to the welcome of that. 739 00:42:59.300 --> 00:43:01.220 The replays would be your replays 740 00:43:01.220 --> 00:43:03.880 for these check-ins, Supernatural Saturday, 741 00:43:03.880 --> 00:43:06.360 and anytime we record Sunday. 742 00:43:06.360 --> 00:43:09.640 But then there's this wonderful event, a tab called Events, 743 00:43:09.640 --> 00:43:11.360 and it's the calendar, 744 00:43:11.360 --> 00:43:13.240 and it's telling you what goes on for the day. 745 00:43:13.240 --> 00:43:14.620 And if you click on it, 746 00:43:14.620 --> 00:43:16.420 you'll see the Zoom link right there. 747 00:43:16.420 --> 00:43:18.620 You click on it, boom, you show up. 748 00:43:18.620 --> 00:43:21.520 So it's handy-dandy. 749 00:43:22.080 --> 00:43:24.640 And so the rest of you are gonna be getting on. 750 00:43:24.640 --> 00:43:27.080 My goal is that there's no one left in Facebook 751 00:43:27.080 --> 00:43:28.000 by the end of August. 752 00:43:28.000 --> 00:43:31.840 That's my goal, that we have migrated everybody over 753 00:43:31.840 --> 00:43:34.080 into the app, for goodness sake. 754 00:43:34.080 --> 00:43:34.900 Okay. 755 00:43:37.000 --> 00:43:38.480 Which ones do we recommend? 756 00:43:38.480 --> 00:43:40.880 Okay, so that's probably the online dating site. 757 00:43:40.880 --> 00:43:43.480 I go over that a little bit more in the online dating site, 758 00:43:43.480 --> 00:43:45.840 but here are the ones that I recommend right now. 759 00:43:45.840 --> 00:43:46.920 Facebook dating. 760 00:43:46.920 --> 00:43:49.200 I know you're like, oh my gosh, Facebook dating. 761 00:43:49.240 --> 00:43:51.840 The most marriages we've had in our community 762 00:43:51.840 --> 00:43:54.000 have come from Facebook dating, no lie. 763 00:43:54.000 --> 00:43:55.400 Bethany and Brian being one of them, 764 00:43:55.400 --> 00:43:56.720 and he's a dang pastor. 765 00:43:57.800 --> 00:43:58.920 It's feast or famine, 766 00:43:58.920 --> 00:44:00.640 so sometimes it's a bunch of ding-dongs, 767 00:44:00.640 --> 00:44:01.800 and sometimes it's nothing, 768 00:44:01.800 --> 00:44:04.880 and then sometimes it's like, there's a bunch of guys. 769 00:44:04.880 --> 00:44:07.120 The beauty is it's free. 770 00:44:07.120 --> 00:44:08.580 You can only do it from your phone. 771 00:44:08.580 --> 00:44:10.800 You cannot do Facebook dating from the computer. 772 00:44:10.800 --> 00:44:14.480 So if you try searching for it, it's not on there. 773 00:44:14.480 --> 00:44:16.840 You have to look for the little heart kind of thing, 774 00:44:17.040 --> 00:44:18.520 and nobody in your community 775 00:44:18.520 --> 00:44:20.080 knows that you're on Facebook dating, 776 00:44:20.080 --> 00:44:22.600 but the whole world is, so it's free, why not? 777 00:44:23.920 --> 00:44:25.720 And you can set up your parameters. 778 00:44:25.720 --> 00:44:29.040 Hinge and Bumble are also, 779 00:44:29.040 --> 00:44:31.920 Hinge has also been very successful with people and Bumble. 780 00:44:31.920 --> 00:44:34.300 So those are the three. 781 00:44:34.300 --> 00:44:35.520 Some people have done Match, 782 00:44:35.520 --> 00:44:38.040 and some people have done eHarmony, 783 00:44:38.040 --> 00:44:42.800 but I would say Hinge, Bumble, and Facebook dating 784 00:44:42.800 --> 00:44:46.760 are the three most common, what I would call secular sites. 785 00:44:47.600 --> 00:44:49.320 It's not just Christians. 786 00:44:49.320 --> 00:44:54.240 Upward, Salt, Holy, people have met guys on there. 787 00:44:54.240 --> 00:44:59.240 There seems to be a bit more AI, scammy, faulty profiles. 788 00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.160 files there because I think they have less staff to manage those. 789 00:45:04.160 --> 00:45:09.360 So you can get a godly guy there, but you can get a godly guy on Facebook dating too. 790 00:45:09.360 --> 00:45:12.920 You can find a scum on Facebook dating and you'll find scum on Upwork. 791 00:45:12.920 --> 00:45:16.640 So there's no perfect, there's no perfect one out there. 792 00:45:16.640 --> 00:45:19.440 I don't recommend trying to do more than two at a time. 793 00:45:19.440 --> 00:45:20.840 It can get confusing. 794 00:45:20.840 --> 00:45:26.200 And I always say, try to give an app at least three months before you move on from it. 795 00:45:26.200 --> 00:45:27.200 Okay. 796 00:45:27.200 --> 00:45:30.760 Let me see. 797 00:45:30.760 --> 00:45:37.080 Thank you, Judith, for saying what you did. 798 00:45:37.080 --> 00:45:40.200 Kristen kind of mentioned this and Sarah said this too. 799 00:45:40.200 --> 00:45:46.080 I think it's kind of like, I get stuck in like asking personal stuff or I get too personal 800 00:45:46.080 --> 00:45:49.800 right away. 801 00:45:49.800 --> 00:45:54.640 Our app is called Last Year Single, but if you are in Facebook right now, you can go 802 00:45:54.640 --> 00:45:55.640 to Last Year Single. 803 00:45:55.640 --> 00:45:59.080 You're just not going to see anything because we have to manually load you into the page. 804 00:45:59.080 --> 00:46:03.480 So don't like, so if you're still in Facebook, don't worry about it. 805 00:46:03.480 --> 00:46:08.840 You're going to get instructions when you've been added to it. 806 00:46:08.840 --> 00:46:12.680 There is nothing there, just my profile and a blank page. 807 00:46:12.680 --> 00:46:17.920 Karen, have you been working in the app already or have you been only in Facebook? 808 00:46:17.920 --> 00:46:21.040 Because if you've only been in Facebook, that's why you can't see anything yet. 809 00:46:21.040 --> 00:46:23.040 Oh, I downloaded the app. 810 00:46:23.040 --> 00:46:24.040 I downloaded the app. 811 00:46:24.040 --> 00:46:26.800 What I'm saying, where did you do phase one? 812 00:46:26.800 --> 00:46:28.520 I did phase one. 813 00:46:28.520 --> 00:46:29.520 In Facebook? 814 00:46:29.520 --> 00:46:30.520 Yes. 815 00:46:30.520 --> 00:46:31.520 That's why. 816 00:46:31.520 --> 00:46:32.520 That's why. 817 00:46:32.520 --> 00:46:33.520 You've downloaded it. 818 00:46:33.520 --> 00:46:37.420 But as I just said, you have to be manually added to the page. 819 00:46:37.420 --> 00:46:40.680 So David is working on the technology to move everybody over. 820 00:46:40.680 --> 00:46:45.120 Like we'd spent all this time moving all of phase three and now as people graduate from 821 00:46:45.120 --> 00:46:50.440 phase two, we're adding them into phase three manually, but he is working on the code to 822 00:46:50.440 --> 00:46:53.440 move you all together. 823 00:46:53.440 --> 00:46:56.800 So you will know when that's going to happen. 824 00:46:56.800 --> 00:47:03.120 The single city community, we are putting the resource page with the link up in the 825 00:47:03.120 --> 00:47:07.440 app in both phase two and phase three shortly. 826 00:47:07.440 --> 00:47:10.840 So you're going to get a list of that, but you are in New York. 827 00:47:10.840 --> 00:47:14.760 All you have to do in Facebook is literally go to the search bar and put single city in 828 00:47:14.760 --> 00:47:17.440 New York and you're going to find it. 829 00:47:17.440 --> 00:47:24.160 Diana, I do want you to ask your question here and we're going to have you go in the 830 00:47:24.160 --> 00:47:25.160 hot seat to do that. 831 00:47:25.160 --> 00:47:26.160 Okay. 832 00:47:26.160 --> 00:47:29.160 Judith, you're up first. 833 00:47:29.160 --> 00:47:31.640 Hi. 834 00:47:31.640 --> 00:47:32.640 Can you hear me? 835 00:47:32.640 --> 00:47:33.640 Okay. 836 00:47:33.640 --> 00:47:34.640 I'm okay. 837 00:47:34.640 --> 00:47:35.640 Good. 838 00:47:35.640 --> 00:47:36.640 Okay. 839 00:47:36.640 --> 00:47:37.640 I am. 840 00:47:37.640 --> 00:47:43.560 I've been gaining so much from listening to you and Jackie in this space too. 841 00:47:43.560 --> 00:47:45.560 I am 71. 842 00:47:45.560 --> 00:47:48.000 I was married for, yes. 843 00:47:48.000 --> 00:47:49.000 You wouldn't believe it. 844 00:47:49.000 --> 00:47:50.000 Would you? 845 00:47:50.000 --> 00:47:51.000 No. 846 00:47:51.000 --> 00:47:52.000 Fabulous. 847 00:47:52.000 --> 00:47:53.000 I'm full of joy in life. 848 00:47:53.000 --> 00:47:55.120 I was married for 25 years. 849 00:47:55.120 --> 00:47:59.080 I've been a sold out lover of Jesus for 52 years. 850 00:47:59.080 --> 00:48:02.760 Our marriage was built on the rock, but you know, things happen. 851 00:48:02.760 --> 00:48:05.080 I've now been divorced for 26 years. 852 00:48:05.080 --> 00:48:12.160 So I got married when I was 20, I was engaged like 19. 853 00:48:12.520 --> 00:48:14.520 So I haven't dated since I was 18. 854 00:48:14.520 --> 00:48:15.520 Bless your heart. 855 00:48:15.520 --> 00:48:18.520 That's all I got to say. 856 00:48:18.520 --> 00:48:20.440 That's a long time. 857 00:48:20.440 --> 00:48:25.440 And I love my, I dated a lot when I was a teenager. 858 00:48:25.440 --> 00:48:26.440 Okay, girl. 859 00:48:26.440 --> 00:48:27.440 Yeah. 860 00:48:27.440 --> 00:48:31.880 I mean, you know, it's not that I don't know how to flirt and I mean, it looks different 861 00:48:31.880 --> 00:48:36.120 now, but anyway, I'm doing, I mean, when you said, where are you stuck? 862 00:48:36.120 --> 00:48:37.760 I'm stuck getting started. 863 00:48:37.760 --> 00:48:43.520 I've told all my friends, my close friends and family who know me that I'm working with 864 00:48:43.520 --> 00:48:46.960 the dating coach with the intention of getting married. 865 00:48:46.960 --> 00:48:51.240 You know me, I'm interested in anybody you think would be good. 866 00:48:51.240 --> 00:48:55.080 I'm willing to move, yada, yada. 867 00:48:55.080 --> 00:49:00.760 I go out, I always talk to men, but I'm like you, Renee, the people that I know who are 868 00:49:00.760 --> 00:49:03.440 men, I'm not uncomfortable talking to men. 869 00:49:03.440 --> 00:49:08.720 I'm not uncomfortable receiving help, but they're married or they're gay or they're 870 00:49:08.720 --> 00:49:11.040 the guys in their twenties love me. 871 00:49:11.040 --> 00:49:18.200 I mean, but not to marry me, you know, I'm like, so are you, are you doing online or 872 00:49:18.200 --> 00:49:19.200 not? 873 00:49:19.200 --> 00:49:20.200 No, not yet. 874 00:49:20.200 --> 00:49:21.200 I haven't even listened. 875 00:49:21.200 --> 00:49:22.960 Now I'm ready to listen to your thing. 876 00:49:22.960 --> 00:49:23.960 No, you're fine. 877 00:49:23.960 --> 00:49:24.960 You're fine. 878 00:49:24.960 --> 00:49:28.680 So besides online, here are the things that I always recommend to people. 879 00:49:28.680 --> 00:49:29.680 Okay, good. 880 00:49:29.760 --> 00:49:35.720 I recommend literally Googling in your city, um, single meetups. 881 00:49:35.720 --> 00:49:39.640 Like literally there's, there's actually an app and a website called meetups. 882 00:49:39.640 --> 00:49:40.640 Yes. 883 00:49:40.640 --> 00:49:44.920 Look for single meetups and go to those because they're co-ed. 884 00:49:44.920 --> 00:49:46.560 There's usually somebody in charge. 885 00:49:46.560 --> 00:49:48.920 You're not going to be left alone with somebody. 886 00:49:48.920 --> 00:49:53.840 I always say go volunteer and go volunteer at something you know men are going to show 887 00:49:53.840 --> 00:49:54.840 up at. 888 00:49:54.840 --> 00:49:56.820 Men show up at Habitat for Humanity. 889 00:49:56.820 --> 00:49:59.900 And show up feeding, um, at a soup kitchen. 890 00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:07.000 Or like we have a program here where people help box up the groceries for people and stuff. 891 00:50:07.000 --> 00:50:11.320 Anything where you think a little manual labor might be involved, men will be there. 892 00:50:11.320 --> 00:50:15.240 So I always say volunteer. 893 00:50:15.240 --> 00:50:20.400 Consider taking yourself out to dinner at a nice restaurant and sitting at the bar. 894 00:50:20.400 --> 00:50:23.920 You'd be surprised at how many people will start talking to you, especially Judith since 895 00:50:23.920 --> 00:50:27.940 you're so friendly, that will be super easy for you. 896 00:50:27.940 --> 00:50:34.820 You're going to the golf course and going to take, all you need is a chipper and a putter. 897 00:50:34.820 --> 00:50:39.700 You don't even need a full set of clubs and three golf balls and you can go for free and 898 00:50:39.700 --> 00:50:40.700 chip and putt. 899 00:50:40.700 --> 00:50:41.700 So that's been my new thing. 900 00:50:41.700 --> 00:50:45.420 I actually just been taking golf lessons cause I'm going to find a man somewhere in real 901 00:50:45.420 --> 00:50:46.420 life. 902 00:50:46.420 --> 00:50:49.000 Like I'm just kind of for me taking a break from online dating. 903 00:50:49.000 --> 00:50:50.900 So I'm like, all right, what am I going to do to get out there? 904 00:50:50.900 --> 00:50:57.940 So this advice is for myself to go to the rec center, go work out at the rec center. 905 00:50:57.940 --> 00:51:01.420 Men and women of all ages are at the rec center. 906 00:51:01.420 --> 00:51:06.680 Men show up working out at places like the Y, Planet Fitness, a rec center. 907 00:51:06.680 --> 00:51:09.020 They're not going to go to the bougie. 908 00:51:09.020 --> 00:51:14.860 The married ones and the gay ones go to the bougie gyms, but the single dudes don't. 909 00:51:14.860 --> 00:51:17.700 They're just going to go get their workout in. 910 00:51:17.700 --> 00:51:22.580 And so maybe consider joining like a Planet Fitness for 10 bucks a month and like having 911 00:51:22.580 --> 00:51:25.860 a man help reach a barbell for you or like, Hey, I'm working on this. 912 00:51:25.860 --> 00:51:27.900 Am I doing it correctly? 913 00:51:27.900 --> 00:51:31.300 Men like pretending like they know what they're doing when they're working out. 914 00:51:31.300 --> 00:51:32.940 So that's what I'm going to recommend. 915 00:51:32.940 --> 00:51:38.860 Meetup groups, volunteering, go out to dinner by yourself. 916 00:51:38.860 --> 00:51:42.140 And then maybe consider adding a little sport pickleball. 917 00:51:42.140 --> 00:51:45.140 A lot of women are doing pickleball. 918 00:51:45.140 --> 00:51:46.660 So try to find community events. 919 00:51:46.660 --> 00:51:48.260 Go to the farmer's market. 920 00:51:48.260 --> 00:51:49.980 Start talking to people at the farmer's market. 921 00:51:49.980 --> 00:51:51.960 Go to the fall festivals. 922 00:51:51.960 --> 00:51:59.080 So just do all of those things consistently and sooner or later it will start to work 923 00:51:59.080 --> 00:52:00.300 to your advantage. 924 00:52:00.300 --> 00:52:01.860 So that's my advice to you, Judith. 925 00:52:01.860 --> 00:52:02.860 Thank you. 926 00:52:02.860 --> 00:52:03.860 That's very helpful. 927 00:52:03.860 --> 00:52:04.860 You bet. 928 00:52:04.860 --> 00:52:06.360 And then you're going to watch the online video and you're going to be shocked at how 929 00:52:06.360 --> 00:52:07.860 ready you're going to be for that. 930 00:52:07.860 --> 00:52:08.860 Okay. 931 00:52:08.860 --> 00:52:09.860 Heidi, is it Heidi? 932 00:52:09.860 --> 00:52:11.860 My contacts need to be cleaned so badly. 933 00:52:11.860 --> 00:52:12.860 Hi, Renee. 934 00:52:12.860 --> 00:52:13.860 It's Heidi. 935 00:52:13.860 --> 00:52:14.860 Yes. 936 00:52:14.860 --> 00:52:15.860 Hi. 937 00:52:16.060 --> 00:52:21.340 So when I posted this question about three weeks ago, I met this guy on Upword and we 938 00:52:21.340 --> 00:52:26.580 started talking and immediately he said, hey, I can do Facebook messaging. 939 00:52:26.580 --> 00:52:30.780 And without thinking, I went, well, I can do Facebook messaging, but here's my number. 940 00:52:30.780 --> 00:52:34.580 So we went a little bit too quickly, but I was kind of trying to make it lower than what 941 00:52:34.580 --> 00:52:35.580 he wanted. 942 00:52:35.580 --> 00:52:36.580 Whatever. 943 00:52:36.580 --> 00:52:37.580 So we started that. 944 00:52:37.580 --> 00:52:39.660 He started talking to me. 945 00:52:39.660 --> 00:52:43.940 And then it sounded like, it felt like love bombing, like he was like, oh my gosh, you 946 00:52:43.940 --> 00:52:46.620 look like the person I would want to be with, dah, dah, dah, dah. 947 00:52:46.620 --> 00:52:47.620 We kept going back and forth. 948 00:52:47.620 --> 00:52:48.620 And I posted a question. 949 00:52:48.620 --> 00:52:50.540 You said, just give it a chance. 950 00:52:50.540 --> 00:52:51.660 Don't try to name it something. 951 00:52:51.660 --> 00:52:55.220 So we did, we've done a lot of going back and forth. 952 00:52:55.220 --> 00:52:57.460 It would be a long distance relationship. 953 00:52:57.460 --> 00:53:01.340 Now in the course of me getting to know him in the last three weeks, which we've, we've 954 00:53:01.340 --> 00:53:03.980 done a lot of talking, I was very comfortable with him. 955 00:53:03.980 --> 00:53:06.540 He seems to be a godly man. 956 00:53:06.540 --> 00:53:12.020 In the course of talking, he tells me that he was, he had, is widowed and his wife passed 957 00:53:12.020 --> 00:53:14.140 away during COVID in 2021. 958 00:53:14.140 --> 00:53:18.420 And he was married for 20 years, went on her Facebook page and she seemed to say a whole 959 00:53:18.420 --> 00:53:20.620 bunch of good things about him. 960 00:53:20.620 --> 00:53:24.500 Unfortunately, after he got, he, he lost his wife. 961 00:53:24.500 --> 00:53:30.380 He got himself into a marriage situation, ended in divorce, and then got himself into 962 00:53:30.380 --> 00:53:34.660 another marriage and ended in divorce within the last two years. 963 00:53:34.660 --> 00:53:37.620 And I'm thinking, uh, yeah. 964 00:53:37.620 --> 00:53:42.940 And so he's like, I've never dated before, had a great marriage, loved my marriage, seemed 965 00:53:42.940 --> 00:53:47.460 from her page that he did, that she did say a whole bunch of good stuff about him. 966 00:53:47.460 --> 00:53:53.440 And so he's definitely somebody who wants to be married, a good marriage. 967 00:53:53.440 --> 00:53:56.300 And so in two relationships he dove right in. 968 00:53:56.300 --> 00:54:02.380 So there's a difference between love bombing and anxious attachment. 969 00:54:02.380 --> 00:54:06.920 And Jackie, I think that teaching is still available to you guys in phase two. 970 00:54:06.920 --> 00:54:12.040 And if it's not, I promise you, and you guys get to phase three, it's in the training teaching 971 00:54:12.040 --> 00:54:13.200 section. 972 00:54:13.200 --> 00:54:19.480 So it sounds me to me more like anxious attachment, attachment versus love bombing. 973 00:54:19.480 --> 00:54:22.520 And we all have an attachment style. 974 00:54:22.520 --> 00:54:28.680 So what, what is he, how much are you video dating at this point since you're long distance? 975 00:54:28.680 --> 00:54:33.440 Yeah, we did quite a lot and I can see his anxious anxiety coming on. 976 00:54:33.440 --> 00:54:36.040 Like, is this going to work, this long distance thing? 977 00:54:36.160 --> 00:54:37.600 And if we're together, what are we going to do? 978 00:54:37.600 --> 00:54:43.760 But my biggest concern is that I feel like I'm not going to make the same mistake again, 979 00:54:43.760 --> 00:54:44.760 is what he keeps saying. 980 00:54:44.760 --> 00:54:48.680 I don't want to be somebody who's constantly being put in a place where like, I have to 981 00:54:48.680 --> 00:54:53.480 prove I'm not a mistake, you know, and that's how I'm feeling at the moment. 982 00:54:53.480 --> 00:54:58.400 And so I'm figuring I'm going to end that conversation because his last divorce was 983 00:54:58.400 --> 00:54:59.760 in two months ago. 984 00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:03.500 So, I mean, this, this is not, yeah. 985 00:55:03.500 --> 00:55:05.500 No, he's not ready yet. 986 00:55:05.500 --> 00:55:06.800 Yeah, he's not. 987 00:55:06.800 --> 00:55:09.300 And so, I'm glad, but I'm glad you 988 00:55:09.300 --> 00:55:12.200 gave it some time to, to figure it out. 989 00:55:12.200 --> 00:55:14.300 So, you guys, the difference between love-bombing 990 00:55:14.300 --> 00:55:17.400 and anxious attachment, love-bombing, 991 00:55:17.400 --> 00:55:19.500 usually, the people who love-bomb 992 00:55:19.500 --> 00:55:21.200 are actually avoidance. 993 00:55:21.200 --> 00:55:23.200 They're gonna come in full throttle, 994 00:55:23.200 --> 00:55:24.500 like, oh my gosh, you're so amazing, 995 00:55:24.500 --> 00:55:26.500 I'm so in love with you, blah, blah, blah, blah. 996 00:55:26.500 --> 00:55:27.900 And they usually either have 997 00:55:28.000 --> 00:55:30.300 some kind of underhanded thing. 998 00:55:30.300 --> 00:55:32.200 Like, they're just, I mean, love-bombing 999 00:55:32.200 --> 00:55:35.500 will come from avoidance or narcissists, right? 1000 00:55:35.500 --> 00:55:37.900 And like, there's an ulterior motive with it. 1001 00:55:38.800 --> 00:55:41.700 Anxious attachment people are just people 1002 00:55:41.700 --> 00:55:43.200 who wanna attach quickly 1003 00:55:43.200 --> 00:55:45.200 because they're afraid of being alone, 1004 00:55:45.200 --> 00:55:47.400 they're afraid of being rejected. 1005 00:55:47.400 --> 00:55:50.100 I am a recovering anxious attachment. 1006 00:55:50.100 --> 00:55:53.500 Like, I used to attach, like, fast with no one's business. 1007 00:55:53.500 --> 00:55:55.500 And you guys, in my ministry work, 1008 00:55:55.500 --> 00:55:57.800 I've been in full-time ministry, 1009 00:55:57.800 --> 00:56:00.500 my anxious attachment worked to my advantage. 1010 00:56:00.500 --> 00:56:05.500 Donors and clients would quickly attach to me 1011 00:56:05.500 --> 00:56:06.800 because I felt safe. 1012 00:56:06.800 --> 00:56:09.800 So it actually worked for me in my career, 1013 00:56:09.800 --> 00:56:12.100 but worked against me in my relationship. 1014 00:56:12.100 --> 00:56:15.700 So anxious, and so that's why I said to you, Heidi, 1015 00:56:15.700 --> 00:56:16.800 like, we don't like, 1016 00:56:16.800 --> 00:56:19.500 we don't want you guys diagnosing people too quickly. 1017 00:56:19.500 --> 00:56:21.600 Oh my gosh, he's an avoidant, or he's anxious, 1018 00:56:21.600 --> 00:56:23.100 or he's, we don't know. 1019 00:56:23.100 --> 00:56:24.300 Time will tell you. 1020 00:56:24.300 --> 00:56:27.300 But the fact that you now put in a couple of weeks in it, 1021 00:56:27.300 --> 00:56:28.400 and you're looking at the fact 1022 00:56:28.400 --> 00:56:32.100 that he's got two divorces post her dying, 1023 00:56:32.100 --> 00:56:34.200 and the other one, I mean, the ink isn't even dry. 1024 00:56:34.200 --> 00:56:36.200 Like, he hasn't, he has not done his heart work. 1025 00:56:36.200 --> 00:56:38.900 And so I get it, and we feel bad for him, 1026 00:56:38.900 --> 00:56:41.600 but because he is long distance, 1027 00:56:41.600 --> 00:56:43.400 it would make it very hard for you 1028 00:56:43.400 --> 00:56:47.100 to have a healthy-paced dating relationship with him. 1029 00:56:47.100 --> 00:56:48.000 Yeah. 1030 00:56:48.000 --> 00:56:51.300 Yeah, so I support you just being like, 1031 00:56:51.300 --> 00:56:52.500 hey, you know what? 1032 00:56:52.500 --> 00:56:55.200 Like, you've been through a lot in the last four years, 1033 00:56:55.200 --> 00:56:58.700 and it might be better for you to be dating locally, 1034 00:56:58.700 --> 00:57:01.000 but I'm good. 1035 00:57:01.000 --> 00:57:03.000 And it's not your job to be his therapist, 1036 00:57:03.000 --> 00:57:04.600 or tell him what's wrong with him. 1037 00:57:04.600 --> 00:57:07.200 So you just, you bless and move on. 1038 00:57:07.200 --> 00:57:08.100 You bless and move on. 1039 00:57:08.100 --> 00:57:10.000 But I'm really proud of you for sticking it out. 1040 00:57:10.000 --> 00:57:11.100 I appreciate that. 1041 00:57:11.100 --> 00:57:12.700 Thank you, and I appreciate your advice 1042 00:57:12.700 --> 00:57:14.500 to have me stick it out. 1043 00:57:14.500 --> 00:57:16.800 Good, good, good, good. 1044 00:57:16.800 --> 00:57:21.500 Yvonne, am I saying your name right? 1045 00:57:21.500 --> 00:57:23.100 It's Yvonne, yes. 1046 00:57:23.100 --> 00:57:26.600 So I sent you a post earlier this week stating 1047 00:57:26.600 --> 00:57:29.100 that I am a widow of five years. 1048 00:57:29.100 --> 00:57:30.800 And what makes me a little nervous 1049 00:57:30.800 --> 00:57:34.600 is, like, you're, I give too much information. 1050 00:57:34.600 --> 00:57:37.400 Wait, like, I can't say I'm a widow, period. 1051 00:57:37.400 --> 00:57:39.600 Like, I go on because I feel like it's 1052 00:57:39.600 --> 00:57:43.200 so much of what I've lived in the last five years, 1053 00:57:43.200 --> 00:57:46.800 and it was such a huge change in my life. 1054 00:57:46.800 --> 00:57:51.600 So how do I then, from beginning to community, 1055 00:57:51.600 --> 00:57:55.100 work my way up in what is appropriate for sharing 1056 00:57:55.100 --> 00:57:57.500 my story, because I don't want to give away 1057 00:57:57.500 --> 00:57:59.300 information that is not. 1058 00:57:59.300 --> 00:58:01.500 How long were you married? 1059 00:58:01.500 --> 00:58:02.900 14 years. 1060 00:58:02.900 --> 00:58:03.700 14 years. 1061 00:58:03.700 --> 00:58:05.100 Was it a good marriage? 1062 00:58:05.100 --> 00:58:07.100 It was a beautiful marriage, yes. 1063 00:58:07.100 --> 00:58:08.400 Do you have kids? 1064 00:58:08.400 --> 00:58:10.700 I have one son, 14 years old. 1065 00:58:10.700 --> 00:58:13.600 OK, so you can say to people, like, oh, Yvonne, 1066 00:58:13.600 --> 00:58:15.300 are you divorced, married, single? 1067 00:58:15.300 --> 00:58:16.300 What is your story? 1068 00:58:16.300 --> 00:58:16.900 You know what? 1069 00:58:16.900 --> 00:58:17.900 I am widowed. 1070 00:58:17.900 --> 00:58:21.900 I was married to an incredible human for 14 wonderful years, 1071 00:58:21.900 --> 00:58:23.800 and we have a son. 1072 00:58:23.800 --> 00:58:26.100 And I'm grateful that I had that experience, 1073 00:58:26.100 --> 00:58:28.200 and I know at this point in my life 1074 00:58:28.200 --> 00:58:31.800 he would want me to move on and find happiness again. 1075 00:58:31.800 --> 00:58:34.500 And so I'm slowly getting back out there, 1076 00:58:34.500 --> 00:58:38.500 and I'm happy to do that and see where this takes me. 1077 00:58:38.500 --> 00:58:40.700 That's as much information as anybody 1078 00:58:40.700 --> 00:58:45.300 needs in your first 10 dates with somebody. 1079 00:58:45.300 --> 00:58:51.700 So you tell me what else it is that you think they need to hear. 1080 00:58:51.700 --> 00:58:53.200 Give me an example of what you think 1081 00:58:53.200 --> 00:58:56.200 they need to hear that's above that. 1082 00:58:56.200 --> 00:58:58.000 I don't know that I have an answer for that. 1083 00:58:58.000 --> 00:59:00.600 I don't know what they need to hear. 1084 00:59:00.600 --> 00:59:03.200 I mean, like, I would want them to understand. 1085 00:59:03.200 --> 00:59:05.500 What is it that you want to say that's above? 1086 00:59:05.500 --> 00:59:06.700 What do you want to say? 1087 00:59:06.700 --> 00:59:08.800 What do you feel compelled to say? 1088 00:59:08.800 --> 00:59:09.900 OK, what have I said? 1089 00:59:09.900 --> 00:59:13.300 I guess a part of my widowhood, my journey, 1090 00:59:13.300 --> 00:59:17.100 what I went through in watching my husband in his sickness, 1091 00:59:17.100 --> 00:59:19.600 or even my expectation now. 1092 00:59:19.600 --> 00:59:23.200 I would want the man to understand what he's getting into. 1093 00:59:23.200 --> 00:59:24.700 And what does that mean for you? 1094 00:59:24.700 --> 00:59:25.900 What does that mean? 1095 00:59:25.900 --> 00:59:28.000 What would he be getting into? 1096 00:59:28.000 --> 00:59:33.000 Well, I'm looking, obviously, I'm marriage-minded. 1097 00:59:33.000 --> 00:59:39.400 And I guess I need a man that would be willing to accept my husband. 1098 00:59:39.400 --> 00:59:40.400 It's not just me. 1099 00:59:40.400 --> 00:59:42.600 He's accepting me, my husband. 1100 00:59:42.700 --> 00:59:47.000 I mean, are you going to bring your dead husband into the marriage bed with you? 1101 00:59:47.000 --> 00:59:47.800 What does it mean? 1102 00:59:47.800 --> 00:59:49.400 Oh, well, that's the thing, right? 1103 00:59:49.400 --> 00:59:51.000 No, not in that sense. 1104 00:59:51.000 --> 00:59:53.700 But there are still things that you carry as a widow, right? 1105 00:59:53.700 --> 00:59:56.100 Where, like, you have that attachment. 1106 00:59:56.100 --> 00:59:58.800 And so I understand there's— 1107 00:59:58.800 --> 01:00:00.000 the Lord has told me I need to— 1108 01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:06.480 make space right. He has to have his own space. So it's not a shared space. I recognize that. 1109 01:00:06.480 --> 01:00:11.520 But like, there's still emotional aspects of it, right? Or there's anniversary. 1110 01:00:11.520 --> 01:00:15.920 I still don't think this is information you need to share on the first few days. I think 1111 01:00:15.920 --> 01:00:22.840 most of us, when we date a widowed person, we know if we, if I hear from a guy that he 1112 01:00:22.840 --> 01:00:28.480 loved his wife and it was a great marriage, I know she's going to be a part of the story 1113 01:00:28.480 --> 01:00:35.480 forever. Okay. Like you don't need to explain that to me. A marriage minded guy will know 1114 01:00:35.480 --> 01:00:43.520 that he'll, he'll know that. Like if I date a guy who has children, I'm aware that his 1115 01:00:43.520 --> 01:00:50.600 wife's wife will always be a part of my story because the children are involved. An ex-husband 1116 01:00:50.600 --> 01:00:54.560 didn't need, I mean, a divorced man didn't need to say that. Now, if you want to make 1117 01:00:54.560 --> 01:00:58.920 sure he's marriage minded, those are great questions for you to ask early on. Like, 1118 01:00:58.920 --> 01:01:03.200 just say, Hey, where are you at in your dating journey? Like, are you just kind of looking 1119 01:01:03.200 --> 01:01:09.320 for companionship? Are you hoping to get remarried or married one day? Like, you know, are you 1120 01:01:09.320 --> 01:01:13.720 just kind of getting out there or like, you just don't know? Like all is good. I'm just 1121 01:01:13.720 --> 01:01:17.840 curious where you are. I'm curious, where are you in your dating journey? Those are 1122 01:01:17.840 --> 01:01:23.080 fair questions for you to ask, but it would not be appropriate for you to be like, I need 1123 01:01:23.080 --> 01:01:27.800 you to make sure that you understand that when you get me, you get me and my husband 1124 01:01:27.800 --> 01:01:34.360 that died. Like that would weird me out. That's just, that's just kind of creepy. Um, but, 1125 01:01:34.360 --> 01:01:37.960 but when you're describing what you want, of course, he's going to be a part of your 1126 01:01:37.960 --> 01:01:43.760 story. Of course, there's going to be photos of him around. Like one of my best friends, 1127 01:01:43.760 --> 01:01:49.520 you know, his, he was married to his first wife. She died of cancer for 20 years. There's 1128 01:01:49.520 --> 01:01:56.040 a picture of them when they were in their twenties in the bedroom. And I was like, Amanda, 1129 01:01:56.040 --> 01:02:01.040 you want the X, you want the wife in the bedroom, like staring at you guys. She's like Renee, 1130 01:02:01.040 --> 01:02:07.080 it's like 25 years ago. Like it's good. And so I think that will be something you would 1131 01:02:07.080 --> 01:02:14.040 negotiate in a serious relationship. What does that look like? Where are the photos? 1132 01:02:14.040 --> 01:02:18.640 You know, how do you honor that person? How do you, how do you show honor to that person? 1133 01:02:18.640 --> 01:02:24.360 Now, how long ago did your husband die? It'll be five years in September. And have you dated 1134 01:02:24.360 --> 01:02:32.120 at all? No. So here's the part you can say, you know what? I really loved my husband. 1135 01:02:32.120 --> 01:02:36.000 And even though it was, you know, how did he die here? How did he die is going to be 1136 01:02:36.000 --> 01:02:40.680 a common question. You might get, you know what? He was sick. And that's all I'm going 1137 01:02:40.680 --> 01:02:47.880 to say. Okay. And I can just tell you that it was really hard in the end. And I, you 1138 01:02:47.880 --> 01:02:51.640 know, I had, it was a lot of grief and it was really hard and it changed my life for 1139 01:02:51.640 --> 01:02:56.760 a while and I've come out of it and I'm really looking forward to moving on, but I am just 1140 01:02:56.760 --> 01:03:02.000 starting this journey. I think that's okay for you to say, I'm just starting this dating 1141 01:03:02.000 --> 01:03:07.160 journey because that might teach the guy, if he's a nice guy to treat you with a little 1142 01:03:07.160 --> 01:03:12.640 bit more kid gloves on that and have more space and grace for you. But what you want 1143 01:03:12.640 --> 01:03:17.760 to make sure that you do on your dates, just like any other person with their ex, you guys, 1144 01:03:17.760 --> 01:03:22.240 you want to make sure they get to know you, not your husband. They need to get to know 1145 01:03:22.240 --> 01:03:28.520 you. So in the early discovery time, it's not the time to share about how amazing your, 1146 01:03:28.520 --> 01:03:32.960 your, your husband was like, you don't, he doesn't get, he doesn't need to hear about 1147 01:03:32.960 --> 01:03:37.720 all the things you loved about him. There will be a time for you to celebrate all of 1148 01:03:37.720 --> 01:03:41.820 that with him, but not in the beginning, getting to know you in the same way. You don't want 1149 01:03:41.820 --> 01:03:46.640 to be out on a date with a guy and he's talking about his ex-wife the whole time, right? Because 1150 01:03:46.640 --> 01:03:49.640 there are times I'm on a date, I feel like I get to know the ex-wife better than I get 1151 01:03:49.640 --> 01:03:56.680 to know the guy sitting across from me. And I'm like, well, crap, I'm not dating her. 1152 01:03:56.680 --> 01:04:02.760 So hopefully that helps. And you're just starting. So tread lightly, keep watching, keep, keep 1153 01:04:02.760 --> 01:04:10.640 putting your toe in the water. That's my encouragement to you. All right. Thank you. You bet, sweetie. 1154 01:04:10.640 --> 01:04:18.680 Hi, the guy I went out with on Sunday said he was spiritual. Okay. But I know I'm going 1155 01:04:18.680 --> 01:04:23.120 to have to have this conversation with him because I think that he's talking about clearing 1156 01:04:23.120 --> 01:04:29.360 his mind and meditating. And I think he read some book by an Indian guy and he's like, 1157 01:04:29.360 --> 01:04:34.720 he's into some of that stuff, you know, but, but he is very nice. We walked around the 1158 01:04:34.720 --> 01:04:40.200 whole mall of America and I kept bumping into him. I don't know why, but I kind of, it kind 1159 01:04:40.200 --> 01:04:46.120 of just felt nice, you know, to have somebody that I was walking next to. And so how, how 1160 01:04:46.120 --> 01:04:53.400 soon do I really bring this up? Like I, cause I'm, did he ask for another date yet? No. 1161 01:04:53.400 --> 01:04:58.080 Do you want, did you tell him you want to go on another date? I just told him I really 1162 01:04:58.080 --> 01:04:59.480 enjoyed my time with him. 1163 01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:02.400 Okay, so girls, hear me. 1164 01:05:02.400 --> 01:05:05.560 If you potentially, even if you only 50% 1165 01:05:05.560 --> 01:05:07.600 wanna go on another date with a man, 1166 01:05:07.600 --> 01:05:09.000 do not leave him guessing. 1167 01:05:09.000 --> 01:05:11.720 You have to tell him at the end of every single date 1168 01:05:11.720 --> 01:05:14.420 until you're like in an exclusive relationship. 1169 01:05:14.420 --> 01:05:16.580 You have to say, oh my gosh, John, 1170 01:05:16.580 --> 01:05:18.560 I had a really great time tonight. 1171 01:05:18.560 --> 01:05:21.600 I would be open to hanging out with you again 1172 01:05:21.600 --> 01:05:23.760 and continuing to get to know you 1173 01:05:23.760 --> 01:05:25.380 if that's something that you're interested in. 1174 01:05:25.380 --> 01:05:27.260 If you're not, that's totally okay. 1175 01:05:27.260 --> 01:05:29.120 Thank you so much for a great time. 1176 01:05:29.140 --> 01:05:30.580 I just didn't want you to, you know, 1177 01:05:30.580 --> 01:05:33.220 I just wanted you to know how I felt. 1178 01:05:33.220 --> 01:05:34.820 So this way- 1179 01:05:34.820 --> 01:05:35.820 So I didn't say that. 1180 01:05:35.820 --> 01:05:36.960 What do I say now? 1181 01:05:39.100 --> 01:05:41.140 Well, has he tried reaching out to you? 1182 01:05:41.140 --> 01:05:43.900 Yeah, we've been texting on Facebook. 1183 01:05:43.900 --> 01:05:46.700 Okay, has he tried to ask you out on another date yet? 1184 01:05:46.700 --> 01:05:47.780 Not yet. 1185 01:05:47.780 --> 01:05:51.060 Okay, so you don't need to bring up the faith conversation 1186 01:05:51.060 --> 01:05:54.120 until he asks you out on another date. 1187 01:05:54.120 --> 01:05:57.560 So how much do you wanna go out with him again? 1188 01:05:58.540 --> 01:06:00.980 He's really nice. 1189 01:06:00.980 --> 01:06:05.300 I felt totally, completely just open with him. 1190 01:06:05.300 --> 01:06:07.340 Like I didn't, and I did very well. 1191 01:06:07.340 --> 01:06:08.740 I didn't say too much. 1192 01:06:08.740 --> 01:06:09.580 Yeah. 1193 01:06:09.580 --> 01:06:11.900 But I just, he just was super- 1194 01:06:11.900 --> 01:06:14.100 Yeah, if you really wanna go out with him again 1195 01:06:14.100 --> 01:06:16.180 and give it another chance 1196 01:06:16.180 --> 01:06:20.300 during one of your texting conversations, what's his name? 1197 01:06:20.300 --> 01:06:21.340 Roger. 1198 01:06:21.340 --> 01:06:22.160 Roger. 1199 01:06:22.160 --> 01:06:23.500 You can say, hey Roger, you know what? 1200 01:06:23.500 --> 01:06:25.700 I probably should have said this that night, 1201 01:06:25.720 --> 01:06:28.080 but not only did I really enjoy talking to you, 1202 01:06:28.080 --> 01:06:30.400 but I'm really open to seeing you again sometime 1203 01:06:30.400 --> 01:06:31.720 if you're open to that. 1204 01:06:31.720 --> 01:06:33.160 If you're not, that's okay too. 1205 01:06:33.160 --> 01:06:37.120 I just wanted you to know. 1206 01:06:37.120 --> 01:06:37.960 And then if he said, 1207 01:06:37.960 --> 01:06:41.720 well, actually I really didn't want to, then you know. 1208 01:06:41.720 --> 01:06:44.200 Then you don't even have to get into the faith conversation. 1209 01:06:44.200 --> 01:06:47.560 So I would not have the faith conversation with him 1210 01:06:47.560 --> 01:06:49.700 unless you guys have a second date. 1211 01:06:49.700 --> 01:06:53.160 And then on the second date, you can actually ask him, 1212 01:06:53.160 --> 01:06:54.900 just say, hey, you know what? 1213 01:06:54.920 --> 01:06:56.840 You mentioned a few things a little bit 1214 01:06:56.840 --> 01:06:59.060 about being spiritual and things. 1215 01:06:59.060 --> 01:07:01.280 I'm curious, can you tell me more, 1216 01:07:01.280 --> 01:07:04.880 a little bit more exactly what your faith looks like? 1217 01:07:04.880 --> 01:07:08.520 I'm curious, can you tell me more? 1218 01:07:08.520 --> 01:07:10.240 What does your faith look like for you 1219 01:07:10.240 --> 01:07:12.020 on a day-to-day basis? 1220 01:07:14.640 --> 01:07:15.480 And then- 1221 01:07:15.480 --> 01:07:19.880 And if he says, it's this shaman guy or whoever. 1222 01:07:21.200 --> 01:07:22.240 What's your answer? 1223 01:07:23.140 --> 01:07:25.060 That is not acceptable to me. 1224 01:07:25.060 --> 01:07:26.980 I want to, so- 1225 01:07:26.980 --> 01:07:31.340 Right, so here's what you say in the moment. 1226 01:07:31.340 --> 01:07:33.420 You just say, wow, thank you so much 1227 01:07:33.420 --> 01:07:35.620 for sharing that information. 1228 01:07:35.620 --> 01:07:38.220 Don't give any information unless he asks for it. 1229 01:07:38.220 --> 01:07:41.100 So if he says, well, Stephanie, what about you? 1230 01:07:41.100 --> 01:07:44.340 And you can just say, well, you know what? 1231 01:07:44.340 --> 01:07:47.660 For me, my faith in Christ is really important to me 1232 01:07:48.660 --> 01:07:50.940 and it's a big part of my life. 1233 01:07:51.000 --> 01:07:55.800 Leave it there and then let him start to do the math. 1234 01:07:55.800 --> 01:07:58.880 I just said, I'm spiritual, hippy-tippy-woo-woo. 1235 01:07:58.880 --> 01:08:01.480 She just said, she's Jesus, girl. 1236 01:08:01.480 --> 01:08:03.840 This is probably not gonna work out. 1237 01:08:03.840 --> 01:08:07.360 And at the end of that date, you say, 1238 01:08:07.360 --> 01:08:09.880 I had a nice time, thanks for getting to know you. 1239 01:08:09.880 --> 01:08:13.560 And you don't end it with, I'd like to see you again. 1240 01:08:13.560 --> 01:08:15.880 Cause you probably don't. 1241 01:08:15.880 --> 01:08:19.439 Now, if he calls you again and continues to text you again 1242 01:08:19.460 --> 01:08:21.180 and asks you on a date, 1243 01:08:21.180 --> 01:08:23.859 that's when you then would have to be honest to say, 1244 01:08:23.859 --> 01:08:26.140 I've enjoyed getting to know you, 1245 01:08:26.140 --> 01:08:27.700 but from what I can gather, 1246 01:08:27.700 --> 01:08:31.340 our values and faith systems aren't in alignment. 1247 01:08:31.340 --> 01:08:33.420 And I think we both deserve to be with somebody 1248 01:08:33.420 --> 01:08:34.800 that that is the case. 1249 01:08:34.800 --> 01:08:36.240 For me, it's kind of a deal breaker, 1250 01:08:36.240 --> 01:08:38.300 but it's been so nice getting to know you. 1251 01:08:38.300 --> 01:08:41.500 You don't say it in the moment when he gives you the answer 1252 01:08:41.500 --> 01:08:43.140 and you don't say it at the end of the date, 1253 01:08:43.140 --> 01:08:44.760 he's not gonna ask you out again. 1254 01:08:44.760 --> 01:08:46.340 So does that help? 1255 01:08:46.340 --> 01:08:49.200 Yes, except that he reads the New Testament 1256 01:08:49.200 --> 01:08:51.279 and he talked to me about that. 1257 01:08:51.279 --> 01:08:56.180 And it's like, and he commented on my Jesus comment. 1258 01:08:56.180 --> 01:08:57.020 He liked that about me. 1259 01:08:57.020 --> 01:08:58.359 Right, I know, but it doesn't matter. 1260 01:08:58.359 --> 01:08:59.680 I mean, it doesn't matter. 1261 01:08:59.680 --> 01:09:02.800 You're gonna listen to what he says is his answer. 1262 01:09:02.800 --> 01:09:06.399 If his answer is, I read the New Testament 1263 01:09:06.399 --> 01:09:11.020 and I read the Quran and I pray to the tree 1264 01:09:11.020 --> 01:09:16.020 and I, you know, light crystals, it doesn't matter. 1265 01:09:16.020 --> 01:09:18.920 Like, you know, even the, I mean, scripture's clear, 1266 01:09:18.920 --> 01:09:21.080 even Satan knows the word of God. 1267 01:09:21.080 --> 01:09:22.200 That's true. 1268 01:09:22.200 --> 01:09:27.200 And so, you know, it's a cool book. 1269 01:09:27.240 --> 01:09:28.880 It doesn't mean anything, right? 1270 01:09:31.140 --> 01:09:32.760 And for you all ladies, 1271 01:09:32.760 --> 01:09:34.979 it didn't matter if he's reading scripture, you guys, 1272 01:09:34.979 --> 01:09:37.020 is he walking it out, the fruit. 1273 01:09:37.020 --> 01:09:40.000 Jackie always says, look for the fruit. 1274 01:09:40.000 --> 01:09:41.620 So I don't care, you guys, 1275 01:09:41.620 --> 01:09:43.859 my ex was going to church twice a week. 1276 01:09:43.859 --> 01:09:45.020 He was in men's groups. 1277 01:09:45.040 --> 01:09:46.359 He was reading scripture. 1278 01:09:46.359 --> 01:09:49.279 I thought, oh man, he has sold out for Jesus, 1279 01:09:49.279 --> 01:09:51.600 but his behavior wasn't lining up 1280 01:09:51.600 --> 01:09:52.960 and he wasn't reading the room. 1281 01:09:52.960 --> 01:09:54.680 And Jackie was like, Renee, 1282 01:09:54.680 --> 01:09:56.760 is he showing fruit of the spirit? 1283 01:09:56.760 --> 01:09:59.880 And I'm like, crap, he's not, dang it. 1284 01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:03.920 Like, I got caught up and he checked all the boxes, 1285 01:10:03.920 --> 01:10:04.960 but he didn't have the fruit. 1286 01:10:04.960 --> 01:10:06.360 So that's what you're looking for, Stephanie. 1287 01:10:06.360 --> 01:10:08.040 You're looking for the fruit. 1288 01:10:08.040 --> 01:10:10.160 Okay, Leslie, you're up. 1289 01:10:11.680 --> 01:10:13.200 Okay, this is just a quick question. 1290 01:10:13.200 --> 01:10:16.040 So we, I'm diving into dating again. 1291 01:10:16.040 --> 01:10:18.680 I've accepted several invitations. 1292 01:10:18.680 --> 01:10:21.520 So my question is, I tend to feel guilty 1293 01:10:21.520 --> 01:10:23.980 when I've accepted an invitation, 1294 01:10:23.980 --> 01:10:26.920 they've paid for dinner and I'm not interested. 1295 01:10:26.920 --> 01:10:28.880 Like, I feel like they're gonna think 1296 01:10:28.960 --> 01:10:30.640 I just used them for a meal or whatever. 1297 01:10:30.640 --> 01:10:35.640 So what, first, what's the expectation for them to pay? 1298 01:10:35.800 --> 01:10:39.320 Or is it completely inappropriate on a first meeting 1299 01:10:39.320 --> 01:10:43.200 to just be like, hey, let's just both pay for our own? 1300 01:10:43.200 --> 01:10:45.040 So that's a great question. 1301 01:10:45.040 --> 01:10:47.000 I clearly wanna be treated like a lady 1302 01:10:47.000 --> 01:10:49.680 and I would love for a man to pay for my food. 1303 01:10:49.680 --> 01:10:53.680 I don't wanna leave there feeling like I've used them. 1304 01:10:53.680 --> 01:10:54.960 For sure, well, okay. 1305 01:10:55.000 --> 01:11:00.000 So, A, we are all for letting men pay for the meal first. 1306 01:11:00.840 --> 01:11:05.840 If you are at all worried that you may not like them 1307 01:11:06.280 --> 01:11:08.560 and you're gonna have guilt feelings afterwards, 1308 01:11:08.560 --> 01:11:12.960 pick a less expensive place to go eat, right? 1309 01:11:12.960 --> 01:11:15.080 So don't pick the five-star restaurant 1310 01:11:15.080 --> 01:11:18.240 where you know he's gonna plunk down 200 bucks on the dinner. 1311 01:11:18.240 --> 01:11:19.520 You know, just say, hey, you know what? 1312 01:11:19.520 --> 01:11:22.080 For our first date, why don't we just grab ice cream? 1313 01:11:22.080 --> 01:11:23.880 Why don't we just grab coffee? 1314 01:11:24.080 --> 01:11:25.680 Why don't we just go putt-putt? 1315 01:11:25.680 --> 01:11:27.560 Why don't we just go to the park? 1316 01:11:27.560 --> 01:11:31.720 Why don't we just grab a Frisbee? 1317 01:11:31.720 --> 01:11:35.920 If you're really worried that you're gonna feel guilty 1318 01:11:35.920 --> 01:11:37.440 if you don't like them, 1319 01:11:37.440 --> 01:11:41.720 then don't pick a dinner as your first option. 1320 01:11:41.720 --> 01:11:42.560 You know what? 1321 01:11:42.560 --> 01:11:43.800 Hey, can we meet at, 1322 01:11:43.800 --> 01:11:48.200 we have this swanky little bourbon and coffee shop I love, 1323 01:11:48.200 --> 01:11:49.880 and it's now a great first date 1324 01:11:49.880 --> 01:11:51.880 because it's like, I'm gonna let him buy me a drink. 1325 01:11:51.880 --> 01:11:53.640 The dude can buy me a drink. 1326 01:11:54.400 --> 01:11:57.840 I try to act like they're gonna buy me the drink. 1327 01:11:57.840 --> 01:12:01.520 If it's clear he's not paying for my drink or my meal, 1328 01:12:01.520 --> 01:12:02.880 I don't say, oh my gosh, 1329 01:12:02.880 --> 01:12:04.800 why aren't you paying for my drink or your meal? 1330 01:12:04.800 --> 01:12:06.200 I then pull out my wallet, 1331 01:12:06.200 --> 01:12:08.280 or if I get there and he's already there 1332 01:12:08.280 --> 01:12:10.000 sitting down with his drink, 1333 01:12:10.000 --> 01:12:12.960 that's code for I'm not buying your drink. 1334 01:12:12.960 --> 01:12:16.120 Now, I have had guys get there early 1335 01:12:16.120 --> 01:12:18.840 and walk over to the cash register and say, 1336 01:12:18.840 --> 01:12:20.640 hey, let me get your drink. 1337 01:12:20.680 --> 01:12:22.720 And I always say, 1338 01:12:22.720 --> 01:12:24.960 and I've gotten really good at this, 1339 01:12:24.960 --> 01:12:27.360 because Leslie, because I used to run a nonprofit 1340 01:12:27.360 --> 01:12:28.680 and I had to get used to people 1341 01:12:28.680 --> 01:12:30.680 giving me money for the nonprofit, 1342 01:12:30.680 --> 01:12:32.720 and they would pay for the meals. 1343 01:12:32.720 --> 01:12:35.320 And I would say, are you sure? 1344 01:12:35.320 --> 01:12:37.040 And they would say, yes. 1345 01:12:37.040 --> 01:12:38.360 And I would say, thank you. 1346 01:12:38.360 --> 01:12:39.520 That's very kind of you. 1347 01:12:39.520 --> 01:12:42.200 That wasn't necessary, but that's very kind of you. 1348 01:12:42.200 --> 01:12:43.960 So if you need to, Leslie, 1349 01:12:43.960 --> 01:12:48.240 you can say, are you sure once? 1350 01:12:48.240 --> 01:12:51.440 And if they say, oh my gosh, no, I got this. 1351 01:12:51.440 --> 01:12:52.600 Or, oh my gosh, I got it. 1352 01:12:52.600 --> 01:12:53.440 You know what? 1353 01:12:53.440 --> 01:12:54.280 You can get the next one. 1354 01:12:54.280 --> 01:12:56.720 You can just say, okay, thank you. 1355 01:12:56.720 --> 01:12:57.680 Okay. 1356 01:12:57.680 --> 01:12:59.480 I think I've just been single so long 1357 01:12:59.480 --> 01:13:02.720 and paid for myself for so long that it's foreign to me. 1358 01:13:02.720 --> 01:13:05.680 And I don't want to offend them, naturally, 1359 01:13:05.680 --> 01:13:07.320 but I also don't want them to think, 1360 01:13:07.320 --> 01:13:09.960 dang, every time I go out with this girl, 1361 01:13:09.960 --> 01:13:12.360 I'm going to be stricken off the bus. 1362 01:13:12.360 --> 01:13:16.720 Like I said, be cautious about where you agree to go. 1363 01:13:16.720 --> 01:13:20.160 Like if you're not super sure about the guy, 1364 01:13:20.160 --> 01:13:22.520 pick something that's not going to cost a lot of money. 1365 01:13:22.520 --> 01:13:24.040 Be mindful of that. 1366 01:13:24.040 --> 01:13:27.640 I think it's okay for us to not just assume all men. 1367 01:13:27.640 --> 01:13:29.560 Now, I will tell you, culturally, 1368 01:13:29.560 --> 01:13:31.080 Jackie has been talking about this 1369 01:13:31.080 --> 01:13:32.640 with a bunch of younger women, 1370 01:13:33.880 --> 01:13:37.600 where like women are paying for the meal 1371 01:13:37.600 --> 01:13:39.760 or wanting to split it. 1372 01:13:39.760 --> 01:13:41.840 I never offer to split it. 1373 01:13:41.840 --> 01:13:43.600 I'm always prepared though. 1374 01:13:43.600 --> 01:13:45.440 Like I never not come with my wallet. 1375 01:13:45.440 --> 01:13:47.320 I'm always prepared. 1376 01:13:47.320 --> 01:13:48.160 Johanna. 1377 01:13:54.120 --> 01:13:56.080 Sorry, I can't find the mute button 1378 01:13:56.080 --> 01:13:57.560 whenever I need to talk, right? 1379 01:13:57.560 --> 01:13:58.560 That's how it works. 1380 01:14:00.200 --> 01:14:01.840 So I have a quick question about the app 1381 01:14:01.840 --> 01:14:03.480 and then I have a real question. 1382 01:14:03.480 --> 01:14:07.080 So I'm on, I got moved onto the app 1383 01:14:07.080 --> 01:14:09.160 and I can see like the... 1384 01:14:12.280 --> 01:14:14.280 I just lost you, you muted yourself. 1385 01:14:16.400 --> 01:14:18.120 Sorry. 1386 01:14:18.120 --> 01:14:20.800 I probably like do Zoom for work all the time. 1387 01:14:20.800 --> 01:14:21.640 Okay. 1388 01:14:21.640 --> 01:14:23.360 Anyway, I'm on the app 1389 01:14:23.360 --> 01:14:25.360 and I've already watched a couple videos 1390 01:14:25.360 --> 01:14:27.880 like on Facebook or on the website. 1391 01:14:27.880 --> 01:14:30.920 And now the app shows like zero progress. 1392 01:14:30.920 --> 01:14:31.760 Don't worry about it. 1393 01:14:31.760 --> 01:14:33.080 Don't worry about it. 1394 01:14:33.080 --> 01:14:33.920 Okay. 1395 01:14:33.920 --> 01:14:35.120 Okay. 1396 01:14:35.120 --> 01:14:39.200 Because the app, it's not locked like it was in the portal. 1397 01:14:39.200 --> 01:14:40.640 Like you can't see the next thing 1398 01:14:40.640 --> 01:14:42.760 and we see how far you are. 1399 01:14:42.760 --> 01:14:43.640 Once you're in the app, 1400 01:14:43.640 --> 01:14:46.320 you guys are really kind of on the honor system. 1401 01:14:46.320 --> 01:14:47.160 Okay. 1402 01:14:47.160 --> 01:14:48.480 So if you don't watch it, 1403 01:14:48.480 --> 01:14:49.960 you're really missing out. 1404 01:14:49.960 --> 01:14:52.600 It's really on it, but I'm glad you asked. 1405 01:14:52.600 --> 01:14:53.440 Okay. 1406 01:14:53.440 --> 01:14:54.280 Thank you. 1407 01:14:54.280 --> 01:14:56.000 Okay, so my other question, 1408 01:14:56.000 --> 01:14:58.360 I'm the one that posted about talking, 1409 01:14:58.360 --> 01:14:59.880 saying what's up to 13 guys. 1410 01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:11.680 trying to like relax about it but I so there was a guy I was on hinge before I got into phase one 1411 01:15:11.680 --> 01:15:17.760 and there was a guy that like matched with me like the day that I started phase one and I just 1412 01:15:17.760 --> 01:15:25.520 shut I shut off hinge and so then when I came back on hinge I I matched back with him 1413 01:15:25.520 --> 01:15:30.960 kind of expecting that if he was gone because I missed it you know like whatever and so he 1414 01:15:31.760 --> 01:15:37.040 then started a conversation with me and it's like actual conversation like asking questions 1415 01:15:37.040 --> 01:15:44.080 and responding and great but it was like three days in between and then it was like a week in 1416 01:15:44.080 --> 01:15:49.680 between that I'd get an answer and I want to have grace for the fact that like I left him hanging 1417 01:15:49.680 --> 01:15:57.600 for like months but also like should I take the hint or like because this like waiting a week in 1418 01:15:57.600 --> 01:16:04.240 between a response is making me crazy so here's what I do um but I'm from New York so like I'm 1419 01:16:04.240 --> 01:16:11.280 blunt so when I feel like it's starting to get like that I would send him a message I'm just 1420 01:16:11.280 --> 01:16:17.200 gonna pretend his name is Mark hey Mark I know I was the one that needed to go on hiatus and 1421 01:16:17.200 --> 01:16:22.800 because I was working on my sabbatical and so I don't know where you're at in the dating situation 1422 01:16:22.800 --> 01:16:28.400 I'm actually really looking forward to getting to know you maybe pop on a video date or see you in 1423 01:16:28.400 --> 01:16:33.920 person but if that's not where you're at anymore like that's totally cool because what I'm realizing 1424 01:16:33.920 --> 01:16:38.880 I don't want to do is have these long drawn out texting conversations so if you don't want to 1425 01:16:38.880 --> 01:16:44.880 move to a video date or a live date that's totally cool I just wanted to kind of boom so that I 1426 01:16:44.880 --> 01:16:50.000 learn to ask for what I need like if I feel like it's not going at the pace I want I just say that 1427 01:16:50.000 --> 01:16:55.680 like look you know what I really don't like texting I'm not on this app that often like I'd really 1428 01:16:55.680 --> 01:17:00.720 rather just meet people quickly on video and in person if that's not where you're at anymore 1429 01:17:00.720 --> 01:17:05.520 or right now that's totally cool I wish you the best I'm just I'm going to just let you know I'm 1430 01:17:05.520 --> 01:17:12.800 not going to kind of do this okay all right thank you I just you know I don't want to make it seem 1431 01:17:12.800 --> 01:17:18.320 like and that's why you're going to for him in particular you're going to say look I know I 1432 01:17:18.320 --> 01:17:24.080 needed to put it on pause so I get that you might not be in the same place right now I'm just 1433 01:17:24.080 --> 01:17:28.960 realizing I had this great course I'm in a really good place and I realize I want to start meeting 1434 01:17:28.960 --> 01:17:35.360 people like I'm ready to start meeting people okay and if he says to you I need a pause then 1435 01:17:35.360 --> 01:17:41.680 you can just say fine you know reach back out to me when you have time and then I would put my energy 1436 01:17:41.680 --> 01:17:49.360 somewhere else okay awesome thank you you bet Diana thank you and Diana Ursula and Sarah you 1437 01:17:49.360 --> 01:17:54.400 guys are going to be the last three that I'm going to do because we're getting close uh well we're 1438 01:17:54.400 --> 01:17:58.800 over a little bit over time but I love you guys so I'm going to keep talking to you wait where did 1439 01:17:58.800 --> 01:18:04.480 my person just go I'm here okay okay you moved you took your thing off and I'm like wait let me 1440 01:18:05.200 --> 01:18:13.280 here there I am so how um are so since you put in the post are you willing for me to talk about it 1441 01:18:13.280 --> 01:18:21.360 with everybody here with you okay so Diana admitted that she is in a 12-step program and she's in 1442 01:18:21.360 --> 01:18:29.280 recovery and interestingly a lot of you in the past have asked about men that you go on a date 1443 01:18:29.280 --> 01:18:35.840 with who tell you that they are in recovery and they are clean or sober whether it's porn alcohol 1444 01:18:35.840 --> 01:18:42.960 drugs and it's a certain number of days we have usually advised folks to follow what we know to 1445 01:18:42.960 --> 01:18:49.760 be true in 12 steps which is in that first year post sobriety in that first year sobriety that 1446 01:18:49.760 --> 01:18:54.080 you really shouldn't be in a serious dating relationship that it's important for you to 1447 01:18:54.080 --> 01:19:01.200 gain your sobriety and keep it with yourself and your higher power which we know is God before 1448 01:19:01.200 --> 01:19:06.320 kind of entering in a relationship and so Diana talked about her sobriety but then also talked 1449 01:19:06.320 --> 01:19:11.440 about her wanting to really kick it into high gear with her dating challenge and so I just wanted to 1450 01:19:11.440 --> 01:19:16.880 have an honest conversation with her a little bit about it like what does dating look like for her 1451 01:19:16.880 --> 01:19:23.600 right now while she's in that first year and what kind of boundaries is she going to have 1452 01:19:24.400 --> 01:19:30.400 um knowing what the 12-step program usually guides and how we can support her in that journey 1453 01:19:31.040 --> 01:19:37.680 and so I didn't feel like it was appropriate to try to text back and forth on her post and ask 1454 01:19:37.680 --> 01:19:42.000 her she'd be willing to come here so first of all Diana thank you so much for being brave 1455 01:19:42.640 --> 01:19:49.040 um you are not the only person in our community that has gone through this and so but you're the 1456 01:19:49.040 --> 01:19:54.080 first person well that I've really seen just be super brave about this and so we're kind 1457 01:19:54.080 --> 01:19:59.760 of figuring it out with you how we can support you but make sure that we 1458 01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:02.440 follow what's appropriate for you and where you're at. 1459 01:20:02.440 --> 01:20:07.440 So tell us a little bit about how you want to do this phase 1460 01:20:07.800 --> 01:20:11.160 and phase three, going out on dates, 1461 01:20:11.160 --> 01:20:13.960 but trying to honor your sobriety and protect that too 1462 01:20:13.960 --> 01:20:15.800 and not dive into a relationship. 1463 01:20:15.800 --> 01:20:16.960 So tell us a little bit about 1464 01:20:16.960 --> 01:20:18.800 where your headspace is on that. 1465 01:20:18.800 --> 01:20:22.800 So it looks like it's pretty slow for me, slow going. 1466 01:20:22.800 --> 01:20:25.160 Sloan said he's going to win the race, you know? 1467 01:20:25.160 --> 01:20:26.640 So when we talk about phase two, you know, 1468 01:20:26.640 --> 01:20:28.560 getting out on a dating app, 1469 01:20:29.560 --> 01:20:30.920 maybe I'll be one of the lingerers. 1470 01:20:30.920 --> 01:20:33.240 I'll be like the last one to pop over to the app 1471 01:20:33.240 --> 01:20:35.400 because I'm at, look, I'm counting days. 1472 01:20:35.400 --> 01:20:38.400 I'm at 165 days of sobriety. 1473 01:20:38.400 --> 01:20:41.840 And, you know, with my sponsor, I'm on step four. 1474 01:20:41.840 --> 01:20:43.240 And for people that know 12 step, 1475 01:20:43.240 --> 01:20:45.640 that means I'm doing a resentment, fear, 1476 01:20:45.640 --> 01:20:47.120 and the sex inventory. 1477 01:20:47.120 --> 01:20:49.120 I haven't started my sex inventory. 1478 01:20:49.120 --> 01:20:51.640 And that's a real important inventory for me to do 1479 01:20:51.640 --> 01:20:53.440 because I have to really look at 1480 01:20:53.440 --> 01:20:55.480 all that behavior from the back. 1481 01:20:55.480 --> 01:20:57.480 And I just want to say that I think LYS 1482 01:20:57.480 --> 01:21:00.960 has really, really helped me because it's really there. 1483 01:21:00.960 --> 01:21:01.880 It's parallel. 1484 01:21:01.880 --> 01:21:03.400 The programs are parallel to me. 1485 01:21:03.400 --> 01:21:05.040 Yeah, I would agree. 1486 01:21:05.040 --> 01:21:07.160 Yeah, and I just, I love being here 1487 01:21:07.160 --> 01:21:08.840 because it's really helped to set me free 1488 01:21:08.840 --> 01:21:11.200 in a lot of ways that AA couldn't touch it. 1489 01:21:11.200 --> 01:21:12.200 Oh, I love that. 1490 01:21:12.200 --> 01:21:13.080 That's so good to hear. 1491 01:21:13.080 --> 01:21:16.240 I can't wait to tell Jackie about that for you. 1492 01:21:16.240 --> 01:21:20.120 I'm a big fan that this program can go in tandem 1493 01:21:20.120 --> 01:21:25.120 with 12 step, with a therapist, with a pastoral advisor, 1494 01:21:25.360 --> 01:21:27.160 because it's biblical. 1495 01:21:27.840 --> 01:21:29.080 So it just lays on top of, 1496 01:21:29.080 --> 01:21:31.960 or fills in the gap with all of the other stuff. 1497 01:21:31.960 --> 01:21:34.280 So what I'm hearing you say 1498 01:21:34.280 --> 01:21:37.720 is that you want to learn how to do discovery dating well, 1499 01:21:37.720 --> 01:21:41.440 that level two, you know, get to know yourself, 1500 01:21:41.440 --> 01:21:44.880 get to know men without putting sex on the table. 1501 01:21:44.880 --> 01:21:47.080 So it's almost giving you the excuse 1502 01:21:47.080 --> 01:21:49.960 to stay at level two for a while 1503 01:21:49.960 --> 01:21:53.240 as you like go out and enjoy the company of other people 1504 01:21:53.240 --> 01:21:57.880 without trying to dive into this love or sex relationship. 1505 01:21:57.880 --> 01:22:00.520 So I'm assuming then you're gonna let us 1506 01:22:00.520 --> 01:22:02.280 hold you accountable to that. 1507 01:22:02.280 --> 01:22:06.240 And so if you start to go a little too hog wild, 1508 01:22:06.240 --> 01:22:10.320 I'm allowed to go, woo, it's raining in. 1509 01:22:11.280 --> 01:22:12.440 Absolutely. 1510 01:22:12.440 --> 01:22:13.280 Okay, perfect. 1511 01:22:13.280 --> 01:22:14.120 I love that. 1512 01:22:14.120 --> 01:22:15.240 You are my sponsor 1513 01:22:15.240 --> 01:22:17.520 because my sponsor would say the same thing. 1514 01:22:17.520 --> 01:22:19.280 And I have to remain sponsorable. 1515 01:22:21.040 --> 01:22:22.040 I love that. 1516 01:22:22.040 --> 01:22:22.960 I love that. 1517 01:22:23.760 --> 01:22:25.880 Well, I'm super proud of you. 1518 01:22:25.880 --> 01:22:27.840 I feel like you've done a great job. 1519 01:22:27.840 --> 01:22:30.920 And you guys, I hope this is a testimony to y'all. 1520 01:22:30.920 --> 01:22:34.560 Like there's value in this discovery dating 1521 01:22:34.560 --> 01:22:36.880 and really getting to know people. 1522 01:22:36.880 --> 01:22:39.760 I mean, for everybody, for all of us, some of us. 1523 01:22:42.400 --> 01:22:43.240 Yeah. 1524 01:22:43.240 --> 01:22:44.480 Okay, I'm gonna check the box. 1525 01:22:44.480 --> 01:22:46.000 And I will check the chat 1526 01:22:46.000 --> 01:22:47.560 to make sure I answer everything in the chat 1527 01:22:47.560 --> 01:22:49.000 before I sign off. 1528 01:22:49.000 --> 01:22:50.840 Is there anything you wanted to ask me though? 1529 01:22:50.840 --> 01:22:52.760 I mean, I didn't mean to just put you on the spotlight 1530 01:22:53.680 --> 01:22:55.280 but I wanna, if you don't have a question, 1531 01:22:55.280 --> 01:22:56.120 that's totally okay. 1532 01:22:56.120 --> 01:22:58.440 But I wanted to unpack that with you 1533 01:22:58.440 --> 01:23:00.480 to make sure that we are guiding you well 1534 01:23:00.480 --> 01:23:02.600 when we respond to your posts. 1535 01:23:02.600 --> 01:23:04.680 Well, I think that I just have to really, 1536 01:23:04.680 --> 01:23:06.120 I don't know if it's a question, Renee, 1537 01:23:06.120 --> 01:23:08.400 as much as it's a remember, Diana, 1538 01:23:08.400 --> 01:23:11.320 listen more, you have two ears and one mouth 1539 01:23:11.320 --> 01:23:12.680 when I go out on dates. 1540 01:23:12.680 --> 01:23:14.560 Because not everybody needs to hear 1541 01:23:14.560 --> 01:23:16.160 the down and dirty Diana story 1542 01:23:16.160 --> 01:23:17.600 because it's a bad neighborhood. 1543 01:23:17.600 --> 01:23:19.440 No one wants to go there alone. 1544 01:23:19.440 --> 01:23:20.600 I think that's really important 1545 01:23:20.640 --> 01:23:24.280 and because you are in 12 steps, 1546 01:23:24.280 --> 01:23:27.480 remember I said that at the front end of the thing 1547 01:23:27.480 --> 01:23:30.640 because I had a first video date with a guy 1548 01:23:30.640 --> 01:23:33.720 who only dated women from 12 step meetings. 1549 01:23:33.720 --> 01:23:38.040 And in my first video date, I found out everything. 1550 01:23:38.040 --> 01:23:40.920 I was traumatized and I can handle it. 1551 01:23:40.920 --> 01:23:42.240 And it was just too much. 1552 01:23:42.240 --> 01:23:43.160 And I was like, he goes, 1553 01:23:43.160 --> 01:23:45.480 was this too much information for the first call? 1554 01:23:45.480 --> 01:23:46.320 I'm like, yeah. 1555 01:23:47.640 --> 01:23:49.680 I'm like, let me help you. 1556 01:23:49.760 --> 01:23:52.120 I'm like, I'm gonna help you with all your future dates, 1557 01:23:52.120 --> 01:23:54.520 sweet boy, because it can't be me. 1558 01:23:54.520 --> 01:23:57.880 Everything you do in 12 step works for a 12 step meeting 1559 01:23:57.880 --> 01:24:00.160 because that's how your sobriety works. 1560 01:24:00.160 --> 01:24:02.800 You can't, in the same way I just said to you, 1561 01:24:02.800 --> 01:24:05.920 the way I connect with people works for ministry, 1562 01:24:05.920 --> 01:24:07.520 but it doesn't work in dating. 1563 01:24:07.520 --> 01:24:09.280 It's gonna be the same for you. 1564 01:24:09.280 --> 01:24:11.760 The rules that apply in a 12 step meeting 1565 01:24:11.760 --> 01:24:14.320 don't apply in these early dating. 1566 01:24:14.320 --> 01:24:17.240 These, because the difference is at a 12 step meeting, 1567 01:24:17.240 --> 01:24:20.080 you guys are coming in there with this common thing 1568 01:24:20.080 --> 01:24:22.960 and confidentiality is gold, right? 1569 01:24:22.960 --> 01:24:25.400 Like, and so you could be in the room with, 1570 01:24:25.400 --> 01:24:26.760 like I'm in Nashville. 1571 01:24:26.760 --> 01:24:28.520 So if I go to a 12 step meeting, 1572 01:24:28.520 --> 01:24:31.360 I'm probably gonna find half of Christian artists, 1573 01:24:31.360 --> 01:24:34.960 I mean, and country artists at a 12 step meeting, right? 1574 01:24:34.960 --> 01:24:38.240 But there's protection in those meeting. 1575 01:24:38.240 --> 01:24:41.200 And the truth is everybody you go on a first date with 1576 01:24:41.200 --> 01:24:46.200 isn't gonna have that same high level of confidentiality 1577 01:24:46.400 --> 01:24:48.040 and protection over you. 1578 01:24:48.040 --> 01:24:50.240 Like, they're not gonna guard you 1579 01:24:50.240 --> 01:24:53.040 the same way you guard each other in a 12 step meeting. 1580 01:24:53.040 --> 01:24:54.520 So they're just not gonna protect you. 1581 01:24:54.520 --> 01:24:56.240 So you have to protect yourself. 1582 01:24:57.760 --> 01:24:59.240 So that's why. 1583 01:24:59.240 --> 01:25:00.080 So that's just my. 1584 01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:04.320 encouragement to you. And Dinah, you are not a lone girl. Like, no, I can vomit with the 1585 01:25:04.320 --> 01:25:10.080 best of them for sure. I've gotten so much better about that. Um, and learning to rein 1586 01:25:10.080 --> 01:25:15.920 my content in. Um, and I still need to work on getting the men to rein their content in 1587 01:25:15.920 --> 01:25:20.040 because you know, I joke around about it, but sometimes they just start sharing so much. 1588 01:25:20.040 --> 01:25:24.520 I can't even stop. And I'm like, all right, buttercup, just go ahead. Just keep telling 1589 01:25:24.520 --> 01:25:27.680 it to me. We're probably not going to go out again, but go ahead and keep talking. 1590 01:25:27.680 --> 01:25:31.920 Let me ask you one question before I go. And one of the things that people will ask, 1591 01:25:31.920 --> 01:25:35.440 you know, it's like, because I don't drink now. And when people ask me about why don't 1592 01:25:35.440 --> 01:25:40.040 you drink, I say, I have an allergy, which is a hundred percent true. That's fine. But 1593 01:25:40.040 --> 01:25:43.960 what I don't tell them is that I break out in bad decisions and profanity when I drink, 1594 01:25:43.960 --> 01:25:46.000 because that's what I would just tell this group. 1595 01:25:46.000 --> 01:25:50.960 And here's the thing you guys, and I listened to this, I just saw, I just saw a reels on 1596 01:25:50.960 --> 01:25:56.000 it. There was a celebrity that doesn't drink anymore. And he was like, Oh my gosh. He goes, 1597 01:25:56.240 --> 01:26:00.040 Nobody asks me why I don't drink water. But if I don't drink alcohol, I was like, Oh my 1598 01:26:00.040 --> 01:26:04.580 gosh, why don't you drink alcohol? You know what? Here's the only answer you need to give 1599 01:26:04.580 --> 01:26:09.040 when somebody says, why don't you drink alcohol? You know, I just don't want to, I just don't 1600 01:26:09.040 --> 01:26:15.480 need it. I don't need it. I don't like it. I don't want to. Those are all acceptable 1601 01:26:15.480 --> 01:26:21.040 answers. Like even saying you have an allergy almost feels like you have to give an excuse 1602 01:26:21.040 --> 01:26:25.520 and you don't, you don't ever have to drink alcohol because you guys, 90% of the time 1603 01:26:25.520 --> 01:26:29.960 when I go out today on a date, I don't get alcohol because the last thing I need to do 1604 01:26:29.960 --> 01:26:37.840 is add something that I'm going to lose my inhibition on. And so I, you know, so I usually 1605 01:26:37.840 --> 01:26:41.160 just say, you know, I'm just not drinking tonight. I'm just not drinking tonight. You 1606 01:26:41.160 --> 01:26:44.720 know, or I don't drink all the time or I don't, I really just don't drink. Oh, why don't you 1607 01:26:44.720 --> 01:26:50.680 drink? I don't know. I just don't. I just don't. I just don't. So you don't have to 1608 01:26:50.680 --> 01:27:01.800 defend it with an allergy. Oh, hi, Renee. My questions are, how can I ask in the first 1609 01:27:01.800 --> 01:27:08.960 day my deal breakers, like for example, to be a mom, to travel to Peru where I am from 1610 01:27:08.960 --> 01:27:15.680 and to be in New York city because I have a small business. Yeah. Wait, so what's the 1611 01:27:15.680 --> 01:27:24.560 question? How can I ask in the first day the dealer breakers? You don't want to ask 1612 01:27:24.560 --> 01:27:28.480 the deal breakers in the first day. You don't want to ask the deal breakers in the first 1613 01:27:28.480 --> 01:27:33.480 day. You're just getting to know them. Like you just, you're starting to remember, you're 1614 01:27:33.480 --> 01:27:38.640 just gathering information in that first day. You know, Oh, what are your interests? What 1615 01:27:38.640 --> 01:27:43.080 do you like to do? What are your favorite sports? You know, you might want to say, what 1616 01:27:43.080 --> 01:27:48.120 are the activities that you do that are important to you? Do you like to work out? Do you like 1617 01:27:48.120 --> 01:27:52.800 to cook healthy? Do you like children? Do you like to volunteer? Do you go to church? 1618 01:27:52.800 --> 01:27:58.520 Like you can ask those questions, but you're just getting to know them. So in the same 1619 01:27:58.520 --> 01:28:04.240 way, you're not going to share too much deep stuff on the first date. They don't have to 1620 01:28:04.240 --> 01:28:10.320 either. You're just trying to make sure you get past first level. Is this guy likable? 1621 01:28:10.880 --> 01:28:15.720 Do I even kind of like this guy? That's all you're trying to do on the first date. All 1622 01:28:15.720 --> 01:28:21.360 you're trying to do on the first day is see if you want to have a second date with him. 1623 01:28:21.360 --> 01:28:25.440 And by the second and third and fourth date, you're going to start to learn a little bit 1624 01:28:25.440 --> 01:28:30.680 more about them. Here's what I've learned. You guys, you get way more honest answers. 1625 01:28:30.680 --> 01:28:36.000 If you watch for their behavior and what they say without asking, that's when you learn 1626 01:28:36.000 --> 01:28:42.480 about your deal breakers. The more you have to ask the question, the more they feel like, 1627 01:28:42.480 --> 01:28:46.960 Oh, depending on how I answer this, we'll determine where this goes. But the more it 1628 01:28:46.960 --> 01:28:52.960 naturally evolves, like I'm a big fan of if you have certain deal breakers about how they 1629 01:28:52.960 --> 01:28:59.600 behave, how they treat the waitstaff, don't ask them that, watch them. So that's why a 1630 01:28:59.600 --> 01:29:04.400 lot of times we tell you not to get it in an exclusive relationship. Like there is a 1631 01:29:04.480 --> 01:29:08.160 woman who, and I wish you could come on tonight, but you cannot, but I'm hoping she watches this 1632 01:29:08.160 --> 01:29:13.040 in replay. She just met a guy just over a week ago and they were already exclusive after the 1633 01:29:13.040 --> 01:29:18.000 second date because he just wanted to lock it down. And you know, I will say this, like the 1634 01:29:18.000 --> 01:29:23.440 guy that I dated early on, like by the fifth or sixth date, he wanted to lock it down. And at 1635 01:29:23.440 --> 01:29:26.800 the time I was like, yeah, you know what? I don't really feel like talking to anybody else, but I 1636 01:29:26.800 --> 01:29:33.440 kind of looked back and wished I had not locked it down so fast because you miss the courting stage 1637 01:29:33.440 --> 01:29:39.200 when you lock it down too fast and you decide boyfriend or not, girlfriend or not, you miss 1638 01:29:39.200 --> 01:29:45.040 kind of like the simple courting stage. So Ursula, give yourself a chance to get to know these guys, 1639 01:29:45.040 --> 01:29:50.160 make sure they get past the high level stuff first, before you start worrying about your 1640 01:29:50.160 --> 01:29:58.320 deal breakers. I have a question. Yes, but only one question. How can I know that they will, 1641 01:29:58.320 --> 01:29:59.840 he wants to travel? 1642 01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:01.520 to Peru, something like that. 1643 01:30:01.520 --> 01:30:05.000 He doesn't want to be like that, you know, because... 1644 01:30:05.000 --> 01:30:07.880 Oh, well, so you want to be able to marry somebody 1645 01:30:07.880 --> 01:30:09.400 who's willing to go to Peru with you 1646 01:30:09.400 --> 01:30:10.440 because you have family there. 1647 01:30:10.440 --> 01:30:11.880 Is that your question? 1648 01:30:11.880 --> 01:30:13.440 Yes, and to be a mom. 1649 01:30:13.440 --> 01:30:17.280 So this is something like, this one for me, my priority. 1650 01:30:17.280 --> 01:30:18.120 Yes, okay. 1651 01:30:18.120 --> 01:30:20.280 So those are great questions. 1652 01:30:20.280 --> 01:30:22.760 Hey, do you, you can ask like, 1653 01:30:22.760 --> 01:30:24.840 hey, so where are you at in this dating thing? 1654 01:30:24.840 --> 01:30:25.920 Where are you at in life? 1655 01:30:25.920 --> 01:30:28.300 Do you still see yourself having children? 1656 01:30:28.340 --> 01:30:30.740 Is that something that you'd like to do? 1657 01:30:30.740 --> 01:30:32.340 Do you like to travel? 1658 01:30:32.340 --> 01:30:34.940 Are you willing to travel out of the country? 1659 01:30:34.940 --> 01:30:36.720 Those are questions that you can ask, 1660 01:30:36.720 --> 01:30:39.100 but in a very vague sort of way. 1661 01:30:39.100 --> 01:30:40.500 What you're not gonna say is, 1662 01:30:40.500 --> 01:30:42.540 would you be willing to come to Peru with me? 1663 01:30:42.540 --> 01:30:44.500 Would you be willing to have my babies? 1664 01:30:44.500 --> 01:30:45.340 Do you know what I'm saying? 1665 01:30:45.340 --> 01:30:47.020 You don't want to say it that way. 1666 01:30:47.020 --> 01:30:49.420 Like, hey, are you open to becoming a parent? 1667 01:30:49.420 --> 01:30:51.060 Are you opening to traveling 1668 01:30:51.060 --> 01:30:53.420 to different parts of the world? 1669 01:30:53.420 --> 01:30:56.860 You know, so it's okay for you to ask questions like that 1670 01:30:56.860 --> 01:31:00.380 in a very vague way without being super specific, 1671 01:31:00.380 --> 01:31:02.660 because if it's a first date, 1672 01:31:02.660 --> 01:31:05.940 they may not be ready to go to Peru with you tonight. 1673 01:31:05.940 --> 01:31:07.920 And if you say Peru with me, 1674 01:31:07.920 --> 01:31:09.500 that's where their brain's gonna go. 1675 01:31:09.500 --> 01:31:11.400 Like you want to make sure 1676 01:31:11.400 --> 01:31:13.100 that when you ask questions like that, 1677 01:31:13.100 --> 01:31:14.460 that you stay pretty high level. 1678 01:31:14.460 --> 01:31:16.360 So it sounds more broad. 1679 01:31:16.360 --> 01:31:17.200 Does that help? 1680 01:31:18.500 --> 01:31:19.340 Okay, all right. 1681 01:31:19.340 --> 01:31:21.340 Sarah, you are the closing question 1682 01:31:21.340 --> 01:31:24.020 before I get an email or a text telling me 1683 01:31:24.020 --> 01:31:25.620 to get off this call. 1684 01:31:25.620 --> 01:31:26.460 I'm sorry. 1685 01:31:26.460 --> 01:31:27.860 Do I have to wait so long? 1686 01:31:27.860 --> 01:31:29.180 No, it's okay. 1687 01:31:29.180 --> 01:31:31.420 I'm grateful that you're taking my question. 1688 01:31:31.420 --> 01:31:33.780 I'm gonna try to keep it as brief as possible. 1689 01:31:33.780 --> 01:31:35.940 I've followed your advice to stay in touch 1690 01:31:35.940 --> 01:31:38.740 with the guy that I have been kind of talking to. 1691 01:31:38.740 --> 01:31:42.540 I was in Israel for two weeks and we stayed in touch. 1692 01:31:42.540 --> 01:31:47.220 So he actually came over and cooked dinner for me 1693 01:31:47.220 --> 01:31:50.840 on Friday night at my place, which felt really great. 1694 01:31:50.840 --> 01:31:54.580 It felt really special and, you know, 1695 01:31:54.580 --> 01:31:56.620 healthy boundaries, gave me a little kiss on the cheek 1696 01:31:56.620 --> 01:31:57.600 at the end of the night. 1697 01:31:57.600 --> 01:32:00.740 I super like this guy and it's weird 1698 01:32:00.740 --> 01:32:03.100 because I'm like, I don't feel like I've felt like this 1699 01:32:03.100 --> 01:32:04.620 about anybody ever in life. 1700 01:32:04.620 --> 01:32:07.460 And so there's a part of me that wants to like dive in 1701 01:32:07.460 --> 01:32:09.100 and not get back on the dating apps 1702 01:32:09.100 --> 01:32:12.420 because I was getting back on the dating apps on hold 1703 01:32:12.420 --> 01:32:14.120 until I got back from Israel. 1704 01:32:14.120 --> 01:32:16.100 But I'm like, well, what if I just keep getting 1705 01:32:16.100 --> 01:32:17.620 to know this one guy? 1706 01:32:17.620 --> 01:32:19.660 Was this your first live date with him? 1707 01:32:19.660 --> 01:32:21.900 This is my fourth live date with him. 1708 01:32:21.900 --> 01:32:24.180 So first date was on July 4th. 1709 01:32:24.780 --> 01:32:27.500 I met him at my parents' church, June 30th. 1710 01:32:27.500 --> 01:32:30.060 We had another coffee date on June 6th 1711 01:32:30.060 --> 01:32:33.340 and then like a walking date on like, 1712 01:32:33.340 --> 01:32:37.260 I think June like 14th or something, or sorry, July 14th. 1713 01:32:37.260 --> 01:32:39.820 And then I went to Israel like the last half of July. 1714 01:32:39.820 --> 01:32:43.020 Well, A, I'm glad you're back from Israel safe and sound. 1715 01:32:43.020 --> 01:32:43.860 Thanks, yes. 1716 01:32:45.300 --> 01:32:46.140 Yeah. 1717 01:32:46.140 --> 01:32:47.540 So I will say this. 1718 01:32:47.540 --> 01:32:51.020 If you want to just talk to him, 1719 01:32:51.020 --> 01:32:54.100 but also try not to dive too fast, too deep, 1720 01:32:54.900 --> 01:32:58.140 I would limit how many dates you have in your homes. 1721 01:32:58.140 --> 01:33:02.780 If I could give myself advice in my last relationship, 1722 01:33:02.780 --> 01:33:05.380 I was really strict in my head 1723 01:33:05.380 --> 01:33:08.500 that we weren't gonna date in my home very often. 1724 01:33:08.500 --> 01:33:11.340 But he had money issues. 1725 01:33:11.340 --> 01:33:13.580 And because the kind of work he did, 1726 01:33:13.580 --> 01:33:15.100 he was coming out of a winter season 1727 01:33:15.100 --> 01:33:16.640 where he didn't have a lot of money. 1728 01:33:16.640 --> 01:33:19.340 So I let that be an excuse why we did a lot 1729 01:33:19.340 --> 01:33:21.740 at his condo and my condo. 1730 01:33:21.740 --> 01:33:26.620 And I realized it just put us in this place really fast. 1731 01:33:26.620 --> 01:33:29.060 And so if you don't wanna talk to anybody else, 1732 01:33:29.060 --> 01:33:30.340 I'm okay with that. 1733 01:33:30.340 --> 01:33:31.740 I'm just gonna caution you 1734 01:33:31.740 --> 01:33:34.300 on how long the video and phone calls get. 1735 01:33:34.300 --> 01:33:35.720 And I'm gonna encourage you 1736 01:33:35.720 --> 01:33:38.440 to have as many public dates as possible. 1737 01:33:38.440 --> 01:33:41.500 Go take a board game out to a coffee shop, 1738 01:33:41.500 --> 01:33:45.580 go play pickleball, like go do things, 1739 01:33:45.580 --> 01:33:47.100 even if it doesn't have to cost money, 1740 01:33:47.100 --> 01:33:50.940 go to an art crawl, go to a farmer's market. 1741 01:33:50.940 --> 01:33:52.580 So that's my biggest encouragement. 1742 01:33:52.580 --> 01:33:54.900 I'm not gonna make you get back out on the dating apps 1743 01:33:54.900 --> 01:33:55.860 if you really don't want to, 1744 01:33:55.860 --> 01:33:58.220 and you feel like you're really jonesing with this guy, 1745 01:33:58.220 --> 01:34:01.620 but I am gonna encourage you to not do many home dates. 1746 01:34:02.980 --> 01:34:04.060 That's excellent advice 1747 01:34:04.060 --> 01:34:07.740 because there is like a money situation here as well. 1748 01:34:07.740 --> 01:34:11.300 So yeah, that's super helpful advice 1749 01:34:11.300 --> 01:34:13.140 because I agree that like being 1750 01:34:13.140 --> 01:34:15.700 in each other's personal space can feel, 1751 01:34:15.700 --> 01:34:17.940 it just crosses that intimacy boundary. 1752 01:34:17.940 --> 01:34:19.420 And it, you know, yeah. 1753 01:34:19.420 --> 01:34:21.540 And y'all we're just human. 1754 01:34:21.540 --> 01:34:24.700 And like willpower is only gonna last for so long, 1755 01:34:24.700 --> 01:34:27.260 especially if you're really feeling a good connection. 1756 01:34:27.260 --> 01:34:28.100 Yeah. 1757 01:34:28.100 --> 01:34:30.180 The thing is like take board games 1758 01:34:30.180 --> 01:34:32.740 and like take them places, take a deck of cards. 1759 01:34:32.740 --> 01:34:35.580 Like there's like things that you can do. 1760 01:34:35.580 --> 01:34:37.740 Like I just said, I just learned this from my brother 1761 01:34:37.740 --> 01:34:39.740 because I thought, oh my gosh, golf is so expensive. 1762 01:34:39.740 --> 01:34:41.620 He's like, Renee, you can go putt 1763 01:34:41.620 --> 01:34:44.180 and you can go chip and putt for free all day long. 1764 01:34:44.180 --> 01:34:45.740 I'm like, oh my gosh, I didn't know that. 1765 01:34:45.740 --> 01:34:47.220 So there's just things that you can try 1766 01:34:47.260 --> 01:34:49.820 to be super creative and do with him 1767 01:34:49.820 --> 01:34:52.620 because I'm also a big fan is seeing him 1768 01:34:52.620 --> 01:34:56.260 in other environments will be really cool for you. 1769 01:34:56.260 --> 01:34:57.100 Like, I don't know about you 1770 01:34:57.100 --> 01:34:59.340 but we have places called like the Frist Center. 1771 01:34:59.340 --> 01:35:00.340 Like there's museum. 1772 01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:05.880 and we have places that I'm some of them are for free and so you can try to like and that might be like a 1773 01:35:05.880 --> 01:35:10.400 Really fun thing for you guys to figure out how many fun things can we find to do? 1774 01:35:11.520 --> 01:35:16.200 That's free or cost under $10. Like we're gonna make it a game, you know 1775 01:35:16.200 --> 01:35:16.720 Okay 1776 01:35:16.720 --> 01:35:21.440 and it could be a cool way to get to know different sides of him that you wouldn't have gotten to know if you were 1777 01:35:21.440 --> 01:35:26.680 Just having dinner all the time at each other's home and playing how I call it playing house. Yeah, you're absolutely right 1778 01:35:26.720 --> 01:35:30.960 Yeah, I'm a good cook man, no one could play house faster than me and I'm just 1779 01:35:31.840 --> 01:35:36.400 Yeah, well, and he's a good cook. He's from an Italian family. So I was like, oh, no 1780 01:35:36.400 --> 01:35:41.360 There you go. I mean, that's why he couldn't help himself. So give him some grace because he couldn't help himself 1781 01:35:42.000 --> 01:35:46.400 I can't help myself either but that doesn't mean so if he wants to cook for you 1782 01:35:46.400 --> 01:35:50.120 He can make it a picnic and he can take you out on the picnic to say 1783 01:35:51.000 --> 01:35:53.000 actually, um 1784 01:35:54.000 --> 01:35:56.000 Okay, man's 1785 01:35:56.720 --> 01:35:58.720 I'm just making sure I've got everything 1786 01:35:59.520 --> 01:36:05.200 I'm squinting so bad. My contacts need to be so badly cleaned. I just I can't okay 1787 01:36:06.080 --> 01:36:10.160 Did I get to everything? Is there anything in here you guys that I've missed? I think I got everything 1788 01:36:10.160 --> 01:36:12.160 You guys are so sweet and so fabulous 1789 01:36:12.680 --> 01:36:16.760 Alright, I'm gonna close this out father. God. Thank you so much for each and every single woman on here 1790 01:36:16.760 --> 01:36:18.360 I ask that you bless her this week 1791 01:36:18.360 --> 01:36:22.360 I ask that you just do something that knocks her socks off and lets her know 1792 01:36:22.640 --> 01:36:28.520 That she is a beloved daughter of the king and that you have a love story for her 1793 01:36:28.520 --> 01:36:34.680 that's even more grand than what she has in her head and so I just ask that you be with them in any place in 1794 01:36:34.680 --> 01:36:40.500 Their life where they are hurting where they are waiting where they are despondent where they might be in despair father 1795 01:36:40.500 --> 01:36:44.800 God just move in a mighty way in Jesus name. Amen. You guys have a great week 1796 01:36:44.800 --> 01:36:48.000 Oh, I'm supposed to remind you there is a special dream 1797 01:36:48.600 --> 01:36:50.600 interpretation session Thursday night 1798 01:36:51.240 --> 01:36:54.720 It's normally for phase three, but everybody's being invited to it 1799 01:36:54.720 --> 01:36:59.440 It is not the same video or the same person that you guys watched in a replay 1800 01:36:59.520 --> 01:37:03.120 It's a brand new person Jackie and this guy are gonna be co-hosting it 1801 01:37:03.120 --> 01:37:06.680 So and be sure to come and then next Tuesday, though 1802 01:37:06.680 --> 01:37:12.280 There will be reminder post next Tuesday is the monthly merge with Jackie session 1803 01:37:12.280 --> 01:37:16.980 And I will be here though in case you guys forget and send you on over to that other page 1804 01:37:16.980 --> 01:37:18.980 So anyway, have a good week you guys 1805 01:37:20.600 --> 01:37:22.600 You