WEBVTT

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We are recording Monday night, men's heart check-in,

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Monday, December 9th.

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So we were just talking about food,

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one of our favorite subjects to talk about

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here on Monday night.

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Yeah, no, the Brazilian steakhouse sort of idea

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where they come, I guess the idea is

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the Brazilian style steakhouse is the concept of

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some guy way back in the day,

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whoever knows what happened,

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he had a restaurant and he was having trouble

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getting the service out to the people.

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Either the kitchen was backed up

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or I think the orders were so backed up,

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they was having trouble getting service out to the tables.

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And so he just decided, take the cuts of meat,

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just take them out there and start serving people,

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just start serving on plates,

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just start serving all the cuts of meat that he had.

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And it just became this sense of like,

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oh, this is kind of actually makes sense

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to have a style of service this way.

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So if you'd ever been to a Brazilian steakhouse,

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typically there's like sort of a cold cuts bar

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that you go to with cheeses and antipasto

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and maybe potato salad and other salads.

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And so you go and get that.

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And so you can go and serve yourself almost right away.

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And then you have the little disc on your table

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and it's either yes or no.

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And if it's yes,

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they just keep bringing you meat all night long.

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Top sirloin, bottom sirloin, brisket, barbecue,

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poultry, whole chicken parts,

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and then lamb and pork,

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and then like bacon wrapped things,

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and then all the stuff.

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Anybody hungry yet?

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I think I'm getting meat sweats already, David.

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Yeah, so it was really great, really awesome.

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I love it.

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And then you can flip it over and say no.

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And then basically you're like, okay, I'm good.

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I'm full for now.

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And maybe in about five minutes, I'll feel better.

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And then I'll flip it back over

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and just get some more meats coming.

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And they do not stop.

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And there's garlic covered pieces.

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And then there's like Parmesan covered pieces.

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Oh my gosh, Abraham, you're like shaking your head.

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Like, yeah, I know.

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I know what this is all about.

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And so it's all good.

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Anyway, yeah, I've had a stressful week

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just because just a lot of things are happening.

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A lot of changes,

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a lot of things we're trying to get done

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before the end of the year.

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And of course the holidays are stressful

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just because you got all the obligations.

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So it has been pretty difficult,

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but I have done pretty good.

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I would say I'm about 85% on my sugar thing this week.

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I did really good throughout the week.

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And then the weekend came and I had,

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I don't know if I quite had a donut.

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Maybe I did, but I had a few bites,

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but so I didn't go as hard in like as I would normally.

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Like if I was gonna have a piece of cake or whatever,

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I had like maybe a few bites.

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And so I definitely trimmed back.

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So about 85, 90% success rate, I think about this week.

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So I'm happy with that.

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And I'm gonna try to continue on.

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I was good today on my no sugar

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or no additional sugar sort of intake.

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So that's kind of what I'm doing.

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So anybody else, how was your week?

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What's going on?

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What's going on with you?

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Chris, you're sharing a little bit about yourself

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as far as like, hopefully there's a chapter that's closing.

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So praise God for that.

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If you wanna elaborate on that, you certainly can.

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But anybody else have anything that's on their heart,

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on their mind?

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There's a few folks that are showing up here

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that we haven't seen for a minute.

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So welcome.

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And I think everybody's been here at least once before.

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So no introductions necessarily,

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unless you wanna reintroduce yourself as someone else.

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My name is Antigua Montoya.

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That's good.

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There you go.

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All right.

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Stephen, this is not your first time, correct?

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No, it's my second time live.

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I've watched a couple of these.

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But I sometimes forget

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because the time zones are quite different.

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Right.

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I'm happy to be here whenever I remember.

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Yeah.

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Your accent would suggest that you're elsewhere

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in the world.

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Yeah, I'm actually not in the country

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where I was born either.

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So I'm all over the place right now.

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Oh, well, good for you.

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World travel, love it.

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Yeah, sort of.

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David, I do have a quick question.

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I put it in the chat to everyone too,

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is I've got a friend or it's actually.

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well I guess level two friendship lady that got me into the group but she

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mentioned she started way before the app existed and she's talking about parts of

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the program that I can't find on my app so for instance the divine

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masculinity and the divine feminine so I don't I can't I don't know if that's

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still available and then there was something else the love accelerator I

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think yeah so we have a little bit ranged a little bit differently on the

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men's section of the app and I might be able to see that here in a second when

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it comes up on my screen and okay in the right direction for that are you

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possibly referring to like past sessions that were not added to the app

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possibly but I don't know what was available beforehand because I only

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started a month and a half ago well I got him yeah I'm pretty nude myself

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okay yeah typically all the extra things there Steven are went under the training

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tab it says paths sessions yeah that's right a lot of those lessons are right

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there in the path sessions and divine feminine divine masculine isn't in there

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we need to definitely add that okay cool oh that's a good looking out for

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especially for that teaching I think that's pretty good one for sure yeah yeah

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so just to maybe add to that is this past weekend I met met her for the first

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time face-to-face because we're in different cities oh yeah so we've been

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talking to about a month and a half and that was really cool to meet her I feel

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because she's been involved for so long it sounds like she knows everything about

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everything and I feel like I'm a little bit blind coming into the dating game

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but it went really well so just thank you to well to everyone here sharing

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often and all the training that I've done so for the five-week artwork is

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really good so I don't know where it's going hopefully up and forwards and

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upwards but it's it was a really cool first meetup okay so um so it seemed

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like you enjoyed yourself and did you did you feel like there was a reasonable

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connection to the point where it's like okay yeah this is something that could

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continue on at least to the another meeting or another encounter continued

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conversation correct is that kind of what I'm getting yeah definitely yeah I

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think we both feel the same at this stage so it was yeah we had a good time

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I was fortunate enough to so I traveled to where she is and I've got good

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friends in the same city so it was really good to stay with them and then

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just meet up while we this Saturday we spend the whole day together but um

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before and after you know just meeting up and so on so fortunately there was

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good what what activities did you do did you just kind of hang out or did you

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actually do any activities yeah so these um we're in New Zealand so we've got

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loads of volcanic mounts all over the place not not active none of them are

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well there's one active but that's a small little island quite far so we we

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locals normally go and hike them and then look around from the top so with

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that which is there's a really nice one so we hiked it up spend some time on top

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came down and said it is coastal to you and then we did a bit of a coastal walk

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sitting around a lot just chatting and then went into town got some lunch and

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then in the afternoon late afternoon there was a big choir that did Christmas

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carols so we went to to do that that's an hour or so and after that we went for

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dinner and then I went home or she went home and I went home so it was a full

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day but it was a really cool yeah what a day that sounds like sounds like we all

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need to get dates and I need to take my wife we just need to come to New Zealand

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and have a really great date there because it's really cool I think you do

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you planning cruises to go places I think you maybe next year the year after

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you should plan a big trip to the NZ yeah that's true I have I have a good

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friend here

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In Austin, he lives in a little town south of Austin,

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and he owns a company.

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They actually make avatars for AI,

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for artificial intelligence type of applications.

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He makes the avatar, the people,

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that would be like a host or would be like somebody

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that you would pick out of a lineup

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in order to be your AI avatar person

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that speaks with scripted, so not real people,

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but online avatars, and he makes those,

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and so his company does that, and we play golf together,

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but he's a New Zealander, and then his friend,

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he always invites his other friend,

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who's also a New Zealander, and they come,

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they speak New Zealand, and, joking.

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No, they speak all sort of things,

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and they have sort of like all of these jokes

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under their breath that, you know,

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they're constantly going at, is where I play golf,

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and I just kind of have to laugh along,

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because some of them I don't get,

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and, you know, so it's just a lot of fun, though.

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He's a really fun dude.

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Yeah, good.

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I'm glad you had a good time,

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and I'm glad that that seems to be something

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that has some potential, so good on you, that's great.

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Wonderful. Yeah, thank you.

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Yeah, no, I'm very excited,

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but thanks to all your help, yours and Jackie's.

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Yeah, it's very good. Oh, wonderful.

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Good job.

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Well, good.

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Well, so what else, folks?

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What is going on?

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I think, Thomas, you had something

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that you maybe wanted to share.

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Go ahead, if you want to do that.

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I will say that Stephen's comment about being behind,

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and, you know, the lady that he's talking to

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seems to be ahead.

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That's probably pretty typical

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for the male-female relationship at times,

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especially on certain topics.

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It would seem like, it's like,

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oh, you know a little bit more than I do

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on a lot of these different things,

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especially relational things.

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So that's nothing to be ashamed of,

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nothing to be afraid of, so don't worry about that.

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Cool.

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Yeah, I mean, always happy.

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I mean, if anyone else has anything they want to talk about,

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that's great, too.

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I would say two things that I've been thinking about.

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One is a woman that I went on a date on

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accused me of love bombing,

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and I was really surprised,

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but would love to hear just kind of general thoughts

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about how to respond well

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when kind of concerns arise from somebody.

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And then also, I'm happy to share, Joshua.

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My understanding is that it's kind of a newer phrase.

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It tends to show up in attachment theory discussions

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where some attachment types may engage

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in a lot of very romantic, very forward behavior

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that kind of like gets the other person kind of hopes up

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and then in a way that doesn't live up to the seriousness

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of kind of the internal commitment of the person

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who's engaging in those actions.

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But, and then the other thing was I went on a bumble date

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on, let's see here, yesterday,

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and it was someone who was listed as Christian,

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but who hasn't like been to church in a while,

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has maybe not kind of in kind of the relationship with God

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that I kind of have been seeking things along those lines,

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but it was kind of like open to it.

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So I was also interested in hearing some advice

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or wisdom or perspective about, you know,

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what does it look like?

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You know, is it good to give like women a chance

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to kind of grow spiritually?

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I'm sure there's time for, you know,

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there's a time for everything,

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but what are some of the factors in terms of deciding

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when it's healthy or when it's unhealthy?

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00:14:05.520 --> 00:14:08.560
Kind of how to give someone a shot,

255
00:14:08.560 --> 00:14:13.560
but also avoid the kind of maybe my internal urge

256
00:14:13.800 --> 00:14:16.080
of becoming kind of like a spiritual mentor

257
00:14:16.080 --> 00:14:18.160
instead of kind of like a partner,

258
00:14:18.160 --> 00:14:20.840
like in kind of an early dating relationship,

259
00:14:20.840 --> 00:14:21.840
if that makes sense.

260
00:14:23.200 --> 00:14:24.600
That's good.

261
00:14:24.600 --> 00:14:29.600
Yeah, those are fabulous topics that we can leap off into.

262
00:14:30.920 --> 00:14:33.160
Anyone want to react a little bit

263
00:14:34.640 --> 00:14:37.040
while you're thinking of maybe how you want to react?

264
00:14:37.040 --> 00:14:39.440
I do want a little bit more information.

265
00:14:39.440 --> 00:14:44.320
So the love bombing, she accused you.

266
00:14:44.320 --> 00:14:46.160
So what did that look like?

267
00:14:46.160 --> 00:14:48.320
Like she was like, oh my gosh, your love bombing,

268
00:14:48.320 --> 00:14:51.800
like stop and like, I'm not, I don't want another date

269
00:14:52.080 --> 00:14:54.400
or something like after the fact,

270
00:14:54.400 --> 00:14:58.280
kind of like how did that sort of come about?

271
00:14:58.280 --> 00:14:59.120
So,

272
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:02.840
this woman and I met at a mutual friend's wedding.

273
00:15:04.980 --> 00:15:06.680
She was like, oh yeah, I live in Nashville.

274
00:15:06.680 --> 00:15:07.520
And I was like, oh, hey,

275
00:15:07.520 --> 00:15:08.800
I'm gonna be there in a couple of weeks.

276
00:15:08.800 --> 00:15:11.080
And she was like, oh yeah,

277
00:15:11.080 --> 00:15:12.400
we should hang out while you're there.

278
00:15:12.400 --> 00:15:14.880
And I was like, sure.

279
00:15:14.880 --> 00:15:16.960
So she kind of asked me out.

280
00:15:18.040 --> 00:15:19.560
I tried to be kind of gentlemanly,

281
00:15:19.560 --> 00:15:21.320
planned something, picked her up.

282
00:15:24.200 --> 00:15:26.400
She, during the date, was saying things like,

283
00:15:26.400 --> 00:15:28.120
wow, I've never had so much fun

284
00:15:28.120 --> 00:15:30.640
and my cheeks are hurting from smiling so much.

285
00:15:30.640 --> 00:15:34.280
And I don't think that I was having quite as much fun,

286
00:15:35.560 --> 00:15:37.660
but I was glad she was having a good time.

287
00:15:38.760 --> 00:15:41.480
And then afterwards I had said, thank you.

288
00:15:41.480 --> 00:15:43.080
Like we were kind of like joking around

289
00:15:43.080 --> 00:15:45.580
kind of like a lot of the date, which is fine.

290
00:15:46.840 --> 00:15:51.120
And then I think I had received feedback in the past

291
00:15:51.120 --> 00:15:52.500
that when I had said,

292
00:15:55.680 --> 00:15:57.160
you know, I view us more as friends

293
00:15:57.200 --> 00:16:00.160
or I'm not planning on kind of signaling

294
00:16:00.160 --> 00:16:01.440
that I wasn't going to ask her out again,

295
00:16:01.440 --> 00:16:02.400
that that had been hurtful.

296
00:16:02.400 --> 00:16:05.640
So this time, as I've done some other times in the past,

297
00:16:05.640 --> 00:16:08.720
said, you know, thank you so much for sharing time.

298
00:16:08.720 --> 00:16:12.040
And I'm glad we got to kind of share, you know, last night.

299
00:16:12.040 --> 00:16:14.160
And then a week later,

300
00:16:14.160 --> 00:16:17.720
I think she got upset that I wasn't asking her out again

301
00:16:17.720 --> 00:16:21.560
and then wound up wanting to know why.

302
00:16:21.560 --> 00:16:25.880
And when I said, I felt like my heart was saying no,

303
00:16:26.880 --> 00:16:28.240
she said that was generic

304
00:16:28.240 --> 00:16:31.080
and that I had given her lots of compliments

305
00:16:32.240 --> 00:16:37.240
and that the compliments seemed like love bombing

306
00:16:37.560 --> 00:16:42.240
and insincere in retrospect.

307
00:16:42.240 --> 00:16:47.240
So I think maybe part of it is that,

308
00:16:48.120 --> 00:16:51.920
you know, that she was really disappointed or, you know,

309
00:16:51.920 --> 00:16:55.720
but I don't know.

310
00:16:56.720 --> 00:17:00.280
I wasn't sure a hundred percent how to deal with it.

311
00:17:02.880 --> 00:17:04.480
Based on what you're saying,

312
00:17:04.480 --> 00:17:06.560
that's not really love bombing.

313
00:17:06.560 --> 00:17:11.200
Love bombing is when someone comes across,

314
00:17:11.200 --> 00:17:14.560
and lots of times guys can do this

315
00:17:14.560 --> 00:17:16.960
in a sort of an anxious way.

316
00:17:16.960 --> 00:17:19.920
Love bombing is when someone wants

317
00:17:19.920 --> 00:17:22.760
to make an anxious attachment quickly.

318
00:17:22.760 --> 00:17:25.319
So they put on a bunch of affection,

319
00:17:25.880 --> 00:17:26.720
a bunch of romance,

320
00:17:26.720 --> 00:17:31.720
a bunch of like over the top sort of signals in that way

321
00:17:32.480 --> 00:17:36.080
in order to capture the attention of the other person

322
00:17:36.080 --> 00:17:38.920
and then to try to sort of like,

323
00:17:39.720 --> 00:17:42.320
not in, I guess in trap might be a good word,

324
00:17:42.320 --> 00:17:45.440
sort of like captivate them

325
00:17:45.440 --> 00:17:48.120
whether they're wanting to be captivated or not.

326
00:17:48.960 --> 00:17:51.680
So they might be interested in first

327
00:17:51.680 --> 00:17:53.400
because they're being overwhelmed by this,

328
00:17:53.400 --> 00:17:56.160
all this love that's going on,

329
00:17:56.160 --> 00:17:59.200
but then eventually the relationship

330
00:17:59.200 --> 00:18:04.200
or what's really happening is the over affection

331
00:18:04.320 --> 00:18:05.920
becomes sort of a controlling

332
00:18:05.920 --> 00:18:08.400
or sort of manipulative nature

333
00:18:08.400 --> 00:18:10.160
and further on in the relationship.

334
00:18:10.160 --> 00:18:12.920
So there's like an early on sort of love bombing

335
00:18:12.920 --> 00:18:16.040
and it's sort of an unhealthy way of control.

336
00:18:16.040 --> 00:18:17.160
From what you're describing,

337
00:18:17.160 --> 00:18:19.440
this has nothing to do with love bombing

338
00:18:19.440 --> 00:18:22.480
as far as that sort of definition

339
00:18:22.480 --> 00:18:25.880
of what love bombing has come to be.

340
00:18:25.880 --> 00:18:27.240
This is kind of like when,

341
00:18:28.920 --> 00:18:30.560
I don't know, it's kind of funny.

342
00:18:30.560 --> 00:18:34.440
You know, have you ever seen those kids,

343
00:18:34.440 --> 00:18:36.360
those two kids in high school

344
00:18:36.360 --> 00:18:38.720
that were just like so overly affectionate?

345
00:18:38.720 --> 00:18:43.360
Like they were sometimes kind of like,

346
00:18:43.360 --> 00:18:46.400
I hate to stereotype, but it's kind of just makes my point,

347
00:18:46.400 --> 00:18:48.440
but it's kind of like they're nerdy kids.

348
00:18:49.600 --> 00:18:52.360
Like in my school, it was kind of like band kids,

349
00:18:52.920 --> 00:18:55.480
were always kind of like some nerdy kids and stuff.

350
00:18:55.480 --> 00:18:56.600
And I was in band.

351
00:18:56.600 --> 00:18:59.520
So I am associating with this group of people.

352
00:18:59.520 --> 00:19:03.440
I'm not, you know, like, you know, casting out.

353
00:19:03.440 --> 00:19:07.000
I'm just saying, you know, it's kind of like that couple

354
00:19:07.000 --> 00:19:08.800
that's like so overly affectionate,

355
00:19:08.800 --> 00:19:11.560
but it's like sickening.

356
00:19:11.560 --> 00:19:14.360
Like, and it's, you can tell that it's unhealthy.

357
00:19:14.360 --> 00:19:16.120
You know, like, oh, they're not,

358
00:19:16.120 --> 00:19:17.160
it's like some people would say,

359
00:19:17.160 --> 00:19:18.320
oh, they're just in love.

360
00:19:18.320 --> 00:19:19.280
No, they're not in love.

361
00:19:19.280 --> 00:19:21.560
It's just like, it's too much.

362
00:19:21.560 --> 00:19:23.240
You understand what I'm saying?

363
00:19:23.240 --> 00:19:25.480
That's sort of a more of example

364
00:19:25.480 --> 00:19:27.480
of kind of like a love bomb situation,

365
00:19:27.480 --> 00:19:28.320
where it's just like,

366
00:19:28.320 --> 00:19:30.360
there's something wrong with this situation.

367
00:19:30.360 --> 00:19:32.560
And these kids don't even really know what love is.

368
00:19:32.560 --> 00:19:36.560
And yet they're just so like overly, so attached.

369
00:19:36.560 --> 00:19:39.280
They're attached in sort of an unhealthy way,

370
00:19:39.280 --> 00:19:41.960
typically because they're probably very,

371
00:19:43.880 --> 00:19:47.400
they have virtually no attachment at home.

372
00:19:47.400 --> 00:19:50.000
And so they don't come from really solid,

373
00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:51.160
you know, backgrounds.

374
00:19:51.800 --> 00:19:53.160
And so they're attaching to each other

375
00:19:53.160 --> 00:19:55.840
because they're trying to anchor to something

376
00:19:55.840 --> 00:19:58.600
that's trying to show them love and affection.

377
00:19:58.600 --> 00:20:00.000
And so anyway.

378
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:04.800
from what I'm you're describing doesn't sound like love bombing it does sound like kind of like her

379
00:20:04.800 --> 00:20:10.400
way of sort of getting back or maybe pushing back a little bit because of your comment of like

380
00:20:11.280 --> 00:20:18.000
I don't really know that I'm going to you know um you signaled I'm not going to give you know

381
00:20:18.000 --> 00:20:23.520
ask you out again that sort of thing what was she was she was upset that I didn't yeah yeah

382
00:20:23.520 --> 00:20:29.520
over that yeah and then it's like and then she used the things that you were complimenting her

383
00:20:29.520 --> 00:20:34.880
about and how you treated her which was sounds like you treated her awesome sounds like you did

384
00:20:34.880 --> 00:20:41.920
everything incredible in terms of what a man should do on a date on a first date planned it

385
00:20:41.920 --> 00:20:48.400
out complimentary she's being treated so well she thought she probably thought way more of this

386
00:20:48.400 --> 00:20:52.640
on this first impression that she's getting she'd never been treated that way before and then all

387
00:20:52.640 --> 00:21:00.080
of a sudden you you know appropriately and correctively you know like say well I'm not sure

388
00:21:00.080 --> 00:21:06.800
that there's another date or whatever or you didn't call her up and follow up and so her she

389
00:21:06.800 --> 00:21:12.960
was disappointed it sounds like it was just sort of a little bit of a dig more than an actual

390
00:21:13.520 --> 00:21:23.040
um love-bombing situation and um anybody else comments concerns questions I had a question

391
00:21:23.920 --> 00:21:29.360
just a general one just about like the spirit match profile well I mean I we're still dealing

392
00:21:29.360 --> 00:21:35.120
with I was referring to Thomas's situation if you want to hold on to that for a minute dj anybody

393
00:21:35.120 --> 00:21:40.720
else as far as Thomas's so so I'll jump in kind of jump in real quick so also another question you

394
00:21:41.280 --> 00:21:45.840
had two times I don't want to forget that too right sure yeah I mean whatever

395
00:21:47.280 --> 00:21:54.960
um what was the second question yeah oh the the the second question it was it's more like a second

396
00:21:54.960 --> 00:22:03.920
situation um uh it was it was in regards to how do you go out with someone who oh like interested

397
00:22:03.920 --> 00:22:09.840
in Christianity yeah but and and has gone to church in the past but has been kind of disconnected

398
00:22:09.840 --> 00:22:15.360
from that for a while and how much do you kind of say like wow it seems like maybe this is going

399
00:22:15.360 --> 00:22:22.560
to be kind of a difficult haul and how much do you um kind of be open and say like wow this is

400
00:22:22.560 --> 00:22:30.240
you know could be you know um really good for both of us so I I just the first point I think

401
00:22:30.240 --> 00:22:34.560
David nailed it like so the other other thing about love-bombings there's two types there's

402
00:22:34.560 --> 00:22:39.360
the innocent type where there's an anxious that tries to attach quickly and develop and like

403
00:22:39.360 --> 00:22:45.760
develop an emotional connection right and then there's the the nefarious type which is to use

404
00:22:45.760 --> 00:22:51.360
that to love bomb them to get them in bed right and then they're gone so there's that that's why

405
00:22:51.360 --> 00:22:58.720
the the the second one is why love-bombing has such a bad um connotation right but I think her

406
00:22:58.720 --> 00:23:07.920
bar was set so low in her experiences that you being just a nice dude like was so different

407
00:23:07.920 --> 00:23:13.760
that it felt like to her yeah there was such a disparity that it was like oh it only had you know

408
00:23:13.760 --> 00:23:19.760
um and then the second to the second thing on the spiritual thing I mean Thomas if I

409
00:23:19.760 --> 00:23:26.320
am not mistaken you're you're fairly really into you're not just a cupcake christianist

410
00:23:26.320 --> 00:23:34.080
from what I know right like so you know there's um as long as you're not she's progressing before

411
00:23:34.080 --> 00:23:39.920
you sign on a dotted line and you're she's at a place where she's gotten into a faith journey

412
00:23:39.920 --> 00:23:46.880
that you're comfortable with right um then I would I think that would be okay but I would really be

413
00:23:47.600 --> 00:23:54.880
um reticent because you do you can be unequally yoked in a christian marriage so

414
00:23:55.360 --> 00:24:03.600
yeah and that's you know um oh Scott were you unmuting there oh yeah I'm good whenever so go

415
00:24:03.600 --> 00:24:12.880
ahead I mean Thomas the for the first piece like you know if I know what I did was you know I was

416
00:24:13.440 --> 00:24:18.240
like you were did everything right I would I would maybe I would apologize to her you know

417
00:24:18.240 --> 00:24:22.640
if this conversation had text or whatever say I'm sorry that you felt that way that wasn't my intent

418
00:24:23.520 --> 00:24:28.320
intent and I'd forget about it because I know I did something right and however she responds

419
00:24:28.320 --> 00:24:34.400
and how she responds and I'd be confident that I did what was right and I wasn't love bombing

420
00:24:34.400 --> 00:24:40.560
somebody like that I mean it's a good question to ask but I think you have to have the confidence

421
00:24:40.560 --> 00:24:43.760
in yourself and okay I did everything right and I know I didn't do that but I'll apologize I

422
00:24:43.760 --> 00:24:49.040
apologize that's that's how it came off and then she leaves it there however she leaves

423
00:24:49.040 --> 00:24:52.960
is how she decides to leave it it's not my decision I mean I don't control the decisions

424
00:24:52.960 --> 00:24:59.200
she makes yeah um and then I'm just gonna move on um as for the one who

425
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.720
on the date it would depend on where they're at I think in their faith journey like is it a

426
00:25:06.400 --> 00:25:10.960
I'm not going to say like a first date like do you go to church are you like where is this I'm

427
00:25:10.960 --> 00:25:15.680
interested but and say that's why I'm not interested in you now I would if I got enough

428
00:25:15.680 --> 00:25:21.360
information that I was like okay I don't think this person is really in a faith community and

429
00:25:21.360 --> 00:25:26.480
actually serious about walk with Christ that I would you know I might just tell him hey I

430
00:25:26.480 --> 00:25:30.960
appreciate everything I still think we're going to be a good fit and I wish you the best and I

431
00:25:30.960 --> 00:25:33.840
move on because I'm not going to bring up just like think it's because I don't think you're

432
00:25:33.840 --> 00:25:38.720
a Christian or whatever that's just not there's nothing healthy about that for me to tell her

433
00:25:38.720 --> 00:25:44.080
that like it's just a hey I I just don't think we're a good fit I appreciate your time and I

434
00:25:44.080 --> 00:25:48.880
wish you the best if you if you get to that feeling if you think that she's it's just on

435
00:25:48.880 --> 00:25:52.400
a journey like there might be worth going out a little bit longer and seeing where that's at

436
00:25:53.360 --> 00:25:55.360
but that's just that's my two cents

437
00:25:58.080 --> 00:26:04.400
yeah when you get when you get pushback from somebody whether it's accusatory or whether

438
00:26:04.400 --> 00:26:09.920
it's somebody that's being honest with you to try to tell you you know something that you

439
00:26:12.160 --> 00:26:18.480
weren't expecting and it does give you an opportunity to say oh was that really like

440
00:26:18.640 --> 00:26:25.680
internal your internal dialogue is to go oh did I really do that or was that not real and then

441
00:26:26.320 --> 00:26:34.400
you know um I know in my heart that that wasn't really my posture that wasn't my heart

442
00:26:35.120 --> 00:26:41.280
posture to be doing that sorry that came across that way so yeah so it does give you an opportunity

443
00:26:41.280 --> 00:26:46.400
to reflect introspectively but at the same time that should be short-lived and I think that's

444
00:26:46.400 --> 00:26:50.720
kind of like what you've done I think I feel like in asking the question you want to support

445
00:26:50.720 --> 00:26:54.640
from the community but I kind of feel like you also knew in your heart of hearts that you like

446
00:26:54.640 --> 00:27:00.320
yeah I kind of knew that I did pretty good on that date it wasn't like you know I wasn't didn't

447
00:27:00.320 --> 00:27:06.000
have an attitude of trying to love bomb or anything like that and so I think you should

448
00:27:06.000 --> 00:27:15.760
definitely be confident about that for sure and as far as the as far as the dating somebody who

449
00:27:16.720 --> 00:27:22.240
in terms of like their level of salvation whether to go on I mean like there's a couple things it's

450
00:27:22.240 --> 00:27:33.200
kind of like do I want to yeah I mean obviously going to all the way to the marriage level like

451
00:27:33.200 --> 00:27:37.440
you know that's that's a long way off in a relationship right so but I mean obviously

452
00:27:37.440 --> 00:27:43.200
you're sitting there like yeah I don't necessarily want to be married to somebody who isn't a

453
00:27:43.200 --> 00:27:49.280
believer who isn't on the same same journey as I am they may not be at the same place on that

454
00:27:49.280 --> 00:27:55.520
journey as I am but at least we're headed in the right direction that to me is obviously I think

455
00:27:55.520 --> 00:27:59.760
sort of a given I think that's sort of like a minimal expectation of who you want your spirit

456
00:27:59.760 --> 00:28:05.280
made to be but at the same time as far as like dating somebody yeah I think um I think Scott

457
00:28:05.280 --> 00:28:10.080
had it you know it's like depends on where they're at in their faith if there's somebody who like is

458
00:28:10.800 --> 00:28:19.600
never heard the gospel never heard you know truth presented properly never met Jesus and they are

459
00:28:19.600 --> 00:28:24.400
wanting to and the Lord has now and they're at they're at a strategic inflection point in their

460
00:28:24.400 --> 00:28:30.480
life and they're just beginning their faith journey that may be somebody that you still

461
00:28:30.480 --> 00:28:35.760
want to get to know whether you're dating them or not that may be secondary to that situation

462
00:28:36.400 --> 00:28:41.760
um but it may develop into something that where you begin dating their their faith develops and

463
00:28:41.760 --> 00:28:48.400
comes along and it buds into a relationship I've seen that happen lots of times but if this person

464
00:28:48.400 --> 00:28:53.680
is in opposition to faith and they're like ah they're skeptical they're doubting they're still

465
00:28:53.680 --> 00:28:58.400
wondering they may not be at that strategic inflection point that may not necessarily be

466
00:28:58.400 --> 00:29:04.400
someone yeah you would want to get involved with in a relationship uh any even at a dating

467
00:29:04.400 --> 00:29:12.880
relationship um so it's a little bit you know that's a little gray area but I I always like

468
00:29:14.480 --> 00:29:20.320
whether you're going to date the person or not I always want to I was very careful about this when

469
00:29:20.320 --> 00:29:26.400
I taught Bible college to my students because here we were in Bible college Christian institution all

470
00:29:26.400 --> 00:29:31.680
Christian all believers so to speak that are in class and this is you know we're talking about

471
00:29:31.680 --> 00:29:37.680
Christian fundamentals and we're training in ministry and I was always just very turned off

472
00:29:37.680 --> 00:29:44.160
because I was in full-time vocational ministry at that time like wearing a bunch of hats doing like

473
00:29:44.160 --> 00:29:51.760
as as churchy and as religious as a person can be in terms of the mode of what what I was in

474
00:29:51.760 --> 00:29:55.840
and I was always just turned off by the fact of the us and them sort of thing

475
00:29:55.840 --> 00:29:59.680
you know I understand theologically that there is

476
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:03.280
is a difference between people who are believers and unbelievers.

477
00:30:04.100 --> 00:30:08.920
Um, but at the same time, when you're in the field and when you're relating

478
00:30:08.920 --> 00:30:16.320
with people, it's, I, you know, I guess in the context of a religious service,

479
00:30:17.120 --> 00:30:20.820
it becomes very evident, like there's an us in them, you're calling sinners

480
00:30:20.820 --> 00:30:22.560
to an altar or something like that.

481
00:30:22.560 --> 00:30:25.600
You know, if there's some sort of salvation call or whatever, and it

482
00:30:25.600 --> 00:30:32.220
becomes a very, like a very stark contrast to people who are, who are

483
00:30:32.220 --> 00:30:37.480
there that, that you want to be invited in, but it seems to be like on the

484
00:30:37.480 --> 00:30:42.240
street or in real life or in the workplace or out in the, you know, out

485
00:30:42.240 --> 00:30:49.140
in the, by, by it's like, we're, I'm a human and you're a human, like we're

486
00:30:49.140 --> 00:30:54.200
all created in God's image to the point where, like, you need to come

487
00:30:54.200 --> 00:31:00.040
into the level of truth and I can share some of that with you if you're open

488
00:31:00.040 --> 00:31:06.440
to it and I wish the best for you in your pursuit of truth and faith versus

489
00:31:06.780 --> 00:31:12.480
making this very specific thing like, oh, you're not a believer or I am a

490
00:31:12.480 --> 00:31:13.520
believer, you know what I'm saying?

491
00:31:13.540 --> 00:31:15.440
Like, I guess deal with it.

492
00:31:15.440 --> 00:31:20.720
I would deal more in the relational part of it and let that humanity be extended

493
00:31:20.720 --> 00:31:25.900
there a little bit more rather than making a clear cut, oh, I don't date

494
00:31:25.940 --> 00:31:32.800
unbelievers type thing, you know, I would leave it, especially if my goodness, I

495
00:31:32.800 --> 00:31:36.660
don't believe in missionary dating, date somebody in order to get them

496
00:31:36.660 --> 00:31:37.860
saved because you're into them.

497
00:31:37.860 --> 00:31:42.660
But at the same time, if you are into somebody and they're like

498
00:31:42.660 --> 00:31:45.940
fascinating you and they're, you're attracted to them and so forth.

499
00:31:45.940 --> 00:31:50.920
And, and it's just like, wow, you know, this person is pretty, pretty great

500
00:31:50.920 --> 00:31:54.040
person, they just really need to meet Jesus.

501
00:31:54.780 --> 00:31:56.400
I would kind of work with that.

502
00:31:58.080 --> 00:32:02.000
Maybe, maybe you're not dating them, but maybe you're definitely making it a

503
00:32:02.000 --> 00:32:04.880
matter of prayer for that person.

504
00:32:05.680 --> 00:32:08.260
Like that's the kind of person, like I'm connecting with that

505
00:32:08.260 --> 00:32:09.960
person on all sorts of ways.

506
00:32:10.580 --> 00:32:12.040
Like I find them attractive.

507
00:32:12.040 --> 00:32:13.040
I find them intriguing.

508
00:32:13.040 --> 00:32:19.220
I find them, you know, geographically, locationally, like viable because

509
00:32:19.220 --> 00:32:21.320
they live there in proximity to me.

510
00:32:21.680 --> 00:32:23.780
They work where I work or they go to the, you know what I'm saying?

511
00:32:23.780 --> 00:32:25.100
Like there's, they're doing their life.

512
00:32:25.180 --> 00:32:28.260
Like all of those things are hitting on cylinders, except the faith part.

513
00:32:29.520 --> 00:32:30.820
I'd be making that a matter of prayer.

514
00:32:30.820 --> 00:32:34.260
I'm like, man, Lord, can we, can we get this one saved?

515
00:32:34.260 --> 00:32:35.680
Can we work on your child here?

516
00:32:35.680 --> 00:32:39.560
And like, and then maybe we could like make a relationship out of this.

517
00:32:39.560 --> 00:32:41.760
You know, I don't see anything wrong with that.

518
00:32:43.760 --> 00:32:45.560
You know, and that can be a beautiful journey.

519
00:32:46.380 --> 00:32:50.140
So I guess my question on the antithesis of that is kind of like, you

520
00:32:50.140 --> 00:32:51.460
know, don't be afraid of that.

521
00:32:51.980 --> 00:32:55.500
Don't be afraid of an unbeliever, somebody who just is pre believing

522
00:32:55.500 --> 00:32:57.140
that's just hasn't met Jesus yet.

523
00:32:58.420 --> 00:33:04.520
Versus someone who literally is showing you, I have no interest in the Lord.

524
00:33:04.600 --> 00:33:09.260
I have no interest in, you know, faith development, that kind of thing.

525
00:33:09.280 --> 00:33:13.120
That's probably somebody that's probably not ready.

526
00:33:13.220 --> 00:33:15.680
And then you're, you just be friends with them.

527
00:33:16.640 --> 00:33:17.680
That's just my take on that.

528
00:33:20.640 --> 00:33:20.800
Yeah.

529
00:33:20.800 --> 00:33:21.440
Well, thank you guys.

530
00:33:22.280 --> 00:33:22.580
Yeah.

531
00:33:22.580 --> 00:33:27.100
I think in regards to the first, the first thing, I appreciate that perspective.

532
00:33:27.100 --> 00:33:30.400
I think one of the most helpful things was to consider letting it go.

533
00:33:31.280 --> 00:33:32.760
Cause I think, um, I don't know.

534
00:33:32.760 --> 00:33:38.000
Henry cloud said one time, he said, if one person tells you you're a horse, like

535
00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:41.580
put them on medication and if three people tell you you're a horse by a saddle.

536
00:33:42.740 --> 00:33:47.860
Um, and, uh, so this is like by far the first time anyone has ever

537
00:33:47.860 --> 00:33:49.080
said anything like that to me.

538
00:33:49.080 --> 00:33:53.340
So I think hearing, thinking about that combined with what all of you said, I

539
00:33:53.340 --> 00:33:58.300
think maybe I can let it go instead of continuing to wonder kind of like, am I

540
00:33:58.300 --> 00:34:01.780
unconsciously like doing, you know, inappropriate things, you know, or that

541
00:34:01.780 --> 00:34:06.540
kind of stuff, um, in regards to the second thing, I think that is interesting

542
00:34:06.540 --> 00:34:07.000
and helpful.

543
00:34:07.000 --> 00:34:12.000
I I've been in situations where it's like people who like are, are kind of very

544
00:34:12.000 --> 00:34:12.840
kind of faith driven.

545
00:34:12.840 --> 00:34:15.679
And I've been in situations where people are like, I'm not interested in that.

546
00:34:16.080 --> 00:34:20.280
I'd say this is kind of the first time where someone was like, I am interested,

547
00:34:21.239 --> 00:34:26.000
but I'm also kind of like, I haven't been very involved in a, in a long time.

548
00:34:26.639 --> 00:34:28.020
And so it's kind of like, Oh, wow.

549
00:34:28.040 --> 00:34:34.040
Like how do you, you know, so it's, it's, it's interesting to kind of see

550
00:34:34.060 --> 00:34:37.260
someone else that it kind of a different place on the spectrum instead of kind of

551
00:34:37.260 --> 00:34:39.060
like super in it or super out of it.

552
00:34:39.580 --> 00:34:40.060
Yeah.

553
00:34:40.340 --> 00:34:45.440
To me, that to me would be intriguing because to me, that would give you, I'm

554
00:34:45.440 --> 00:34:46.940
just looking at this from 1%.

555
00:34:46.940 --> 00:34:48.500
This is, I'm just reflecting on this.

556
00:34:49.179 --> 00:34:56.260
It seems like because so many people have trouble dating, IE gets getting to know

557
00:34:56.260 --> 00:34:59.980
somebody that, that actually gives you a little bit more.

558
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:03.620
Runway to start having a little bit more interesting

559
00:35:04.360 --> 00:35:07.440
Developing conversation to get to know this people this person

560
00:35:08.120 --> 00:35:10.120
versus trying to figure out if this is a

561
00:35:10.760 --> 00:35:18.480
Romantic connection like because there's so much anxiousness like like oh, there's so much agenda on that sort of like is this a romance?

562
00:35:18.760 --> 00:35:20.520
Connection should I date this person?

563
00:35:20.520 --> 00:35:26.000
Should I go is this my spirit mate like that kind of sort of takes it out of that field for a second

564
00:35:26.460 --> 00:35:28.440
long enough to have

565
00:35:28.440 --> 00:35:30.440
interesting conversations on faith like

566
00:35:31.320 --> 00:35:38.840
Maybe your stepping stone at the very least from this person's faith journey. You know, that's that's kind of that's kind of intriguing to me actually

567
00:35:39.880 --> 00:35:47.460
Rather than yeah, and and I don't want to be manipulative and kind of you know, so it's it's interesting to try to

568
00:35:49.160 --> 00:35:56.000
Do a multifactorial thing and let it be about the emotions maybe also instead of kind of I get that I get that but what

569
00:35:56.040 --> 00:35:58.560
The alternative being like what

570
00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:02.880
What worse thing for somebody who actually?

571
00:36:03.760 --> 00:36:06.480
Like could be on there on a faith journey

572
00:36:07.240 --> 00:36:14.760
To then experience rejection from somebody not to say that you're going to accept them just because for the sake of not being rejected

573
00:36:14.760 --> 00:36:16.600
but at the same time like

574
00:36:16.600 --> 00:36:23.120
you know embrace their faith journey as a friend first, I guess is what I'm trying to say and

575
00:36:23.600 --> 00:36:28.680
Then decide later whether this is a relational opportunity

576
00:36:30.600 --> 00:36:32.600
So that so that

577
00:36:33.040 --> 00:36:36.360
they can say hey, I met this guy and he's a believer and

578
00:36:37.120 --> 00:36:42.560
I don't you know, it didn't work out or I'm not really, you know, maybe there's not a romantic connection

579
00:36:43.280 --> 00:36:46.840
but you know, it's the first time a believer was like

580
00:36:47.800 --> 00:36:52.600
You know, okay with me as I am and that's powerful

581
00:36:53.120 --> 00:36:55.120
That's powerful in somebody's faith journey

582
00:36:55.200 --> 00:37:00.400
Like I'm okay with where you're at. Like let's you know, let's talk more, you know, or

583
00:37:03.080 --> 00:37:06.520
You know, if you feel like it's too entangled whatever maybe you're not the one

584
00:37:07.200 --> 00:37:08.280
to

585
00:37:08.280 --> 00:37:12.400
Have that discussion further with them, but encourage them at least on their faith journey for sure

586
00:37:15.720 --> 00:37:19.520
I always love I always love that space where somebody is

587
00:37:20.360 --> 00:37:23.800
Close to their to their a strategic inflection point

588
00:37:25.600 --> 00:37:32.240
Their their salvation moment, I don't know it's different for everybody and it's different for all people

589
00:37:32.240 --> 00:37:35.840
How they sort of finally come to the Lord or come back to the Lord or whatever it is

590
00:37:36.320 --> 00:37:40.120
That part and that season in someone's life. That is just fascinating to me

591
00:37:40.640 --> 00:37:43.840
I've never been ceased to cease to amaze me

592
00:37:43.840 --> 00:37:48.240
The stories of people when they tell that I like how they came to faith

593
00:37:48.640 --> 00:37:53.040
How they came to the point where they decided it this this was going to be

594
00:37:53.280 --> 00:37:56.560
this was going to be the moment in my life where I was either going to

595
00:37:57.200 --> 00:38:03.520
Get serious with God or receive salvation or however, they describe it. There's so many different ways it happens

596
00:38:03.520 --> 00:38:08.320
That's always very fascinating to me. And I think it's just beautiful. I love that

597
00:38:08.320 --> 00:38:11.280
So I love to be around when people are in their lives

598
00:38:11.680 --> 00:38:14.640
So I love to be around when people are going through that

599
00:38:18.080 --> 00:38:20.080
Thanks guys

600
00:38:20.960 --> 00:38:22.960
That's my perspective, um

601
00:38:23.760 --> 00:38:28.960
Thank you thomas. I appreciate thanks. Thanks for sharing if anybody else has any comments, you know, let it let us know

602
00:38:30.160 --> 00:38:31.600
um

603
00:38:31.600 --> 00:38:34.400
Anything else dj you were asking something about spirit mate match

604
00:38:36.960 --> 00:38:38.880
Yeah, just a general question

605
00:38:38.880 --> 00:38:39.680
um

606
00:38:39.680 --> 00:38:43.680
Like if you like test, let's just say just that full hypothetical out there

607
00:38:43.760 --> 00:38:47.280
Let's see you test more like anxious and attachment style

608
00:38:47.920 --> 00:38:50.080
Um, does that mean that jackie's gonna avoid?

609
00:38:50.560 --> 00:38:53.360
You know anybody their profile profile is avoidant

610
00:38:53.600 --> 00:38:58.000
You can never get matched with them or is that or is this course more of like learning?

611
00:38:58.400 --> 00:39:02.640
Where your weakness is and then just working through that? I'm just curious because

612
00:39:03.520 --> 00:39:10.080
If both are not aware of that then that's that's just endless torture if the one's avoidance and the other one is yeah

613
00:39:11.040 --> 00:39:14.400
I mean anxious attachment attachment style theory in general

614
00:39:15.040 --> 00:39:17.040
is really more of of

615
00:39:17.280 --> 00:39:24.480
Self-awareness like where where you're trending on that sort of idea. And again, it's just an idea

616
00:39:24.560 --> 00:39:27.040
It's not a theology. It's not like a hardened

617
00:39:27.600 --> 00:39:30.080
People are this people are that you're this that you know

618
00:39:30.240 --> 00:39:34.080
We always want to make sure that when we're using these tools and these ideas that we're not

619
00:39:34.720 --> 00:39:39.760
Using them to try to like fixate a label on somebody, you know, so that we got to be careful about that

620
00:39:40.240 --> 00:39:44.080
But at the same time it's definitely not a metric by which we would

621
00:39:44.800 --> 00:39:46.880
Match or not match people. I wouldn't like

622
00:39:47.520 --> 00:39:49.040
All right, get all the anxious people together

623
00:39:49.040 --> 00:39:54.480
We're gonna put them together and put all that, you know avoidant people put them together and just make them work it out

624
00:39:54.960 --> 00:39:56.960
you know like that would just be

625
00:39:56.960 --> 00:39:59.840
That would be fun to watch but it'd be really poor match

626
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:01.560
making, I'll just tell you that right now.

627
00:40:01.560 --> 00:40:06.040
So no, no, we don't use that as a metric to make the con, you know, in the

628
00:40:06.040 --> 00:40:11.600
connections, but it is helpful for each individual to sort of, you know, be aware

629
00:40:11.600 --> 00:40:18.400
of like, Hey, this is, this is how, um, I, you know, I processed in that attachment

630
00:40:18.400 --> 00:40:21.480
theory, you know, sort of the quiz, you know, sort of thing.

631
00:40:21.920 --> 00:40:27.480
Um, and to be self-aware, it's like, you know, I, I tend to be avoided.

632
00:40:27.480 --> 00:40:31.040
I tend to be anxious and here's the reasons why, and it's also based on

633
00:40:31.040 --> 00:40:34.240
your previous relational experience.

634
00:40:34.600 --> 00:40:37.920
Your, and not just like romantic relationships, but just you in

635
00:40:37.920 --> 00:40:41.880
relationships, period, like your family relationships, your social

636
00:40:41.880 --> 00:40:45.680
relationships, your work relationships, you know, like how you behave that way.

637
00:40:45.680 --> 00:40:50.280
It gives you sort of an indication, like, Hey, I'm tending to, um,

638
00:40:50.800 --> 00:40:52.960
behave this way in my relationships.

639
00:40:53.040 --> 00:40:57.360
And so I want to wonder why I want to wonder if there's something there

640
00:40:57.360 --> 00:41:01.880
that I want to do, maybe some hard work in to help me get to a point where maybe

641
00:41:01.880 --> 00:41:03.920
I'm not so anxious and not so avoidant.

642
00:41:04.680 --> 00:41:11.120
Um, are there some areas in my life where I'm, I'm, you know, more solid in,

643
00:41:11.160 --> 00:41:14.840
um, my relational connection and, and really capitalize on that.

644
00:41:15.920 --> 00:41:18.320
How do you really control like anger?

645
00:41:18.320 --> 00:41:26.240
Like, so like I, um, and I would characterize myself as like, um, mostly

646
00:41:26.240 --> 00:41:30.560
healthy attachment, but I skew sometimes into the anxious territory.

647
00:41:31.000 --> 00:41:38.560
But, um, I've dated several women, like not like, um, serious relationships,

648
00:41:38.560 --> 00:41:44.240
but just, you know, beginning stages with women that were, um, the avoidant.

649
00:41:44.280 --> 00:41:49.200
And I would just really, really annoyed with them, like, because I'm the type

650
00:41:49.200 --> 00:41:55.360
of guy who like, if I send out a text, I, I re I expect a response and it

651
00:41:55.360 --> 00:41:59.600
doesn't necessarily have to be right that second, but at least don't let me

652
00:41:59.640 --> 00:42:04.120
make me wait for several days before responding like, um, that happens to me

653
00:42:04.120 --> 00:42:07.680
a lot and it just makes me really angry when that happens.

654
00:42:08.880 --> 00:42:15.200
Yeah, no, that's, that's, I think, I think the general respect of men and

655
00:42:15.200 --> 00:42:23.880
women, you know, handling, um, this type of communication, um, respectfully

656
00:42:23.920 --> 00:42:26.920
is, is, you know, is helpful.

657
00:42:26.920 --> 00:42:31.440
It's honorable and we all should endeavor to do it the best we can.

658
00:42:31.480 --> 00:42:37.200
But the reasons that people do communicate poorly is because of

659
00:42:37.200 --> 00:42:43.360
usually their own fears, their own, um, their own heart issues.

660
00:42:43.800 --> 00:42:49.360
Um, I, you know, if somebody is going to say, Hey, this is, I don't think

661
00:42:49.360 --> 00:42:51.000
this is going to be a relationship.

662
00:42:51.720 --> 00:42:53.720
I don't think this is, you know, I'm interested in going on

663
00:42:53.720 --> 00:42:55.040
another date or whatever.

664
00:42:55.440 --> 00:43:01.480
Um, yeah, definitely men and women should have the honorable, uh,

665
00:43:01.520 --> 00:43:05.440
communication to be able to say so, you know, and be honest, you know, and

666
00:43:05.440 --> 00:43:08.640
upfront about it within a reasonable time.

667
00:43:08.680 --> 00:43:11.680
And so leaving somebody on red for a couple of days, yeah, that's, that's,

668
00:43:12.320 --> 00:43:16.760
that's not helpful and it's hurtful and it's dishonoring.

669
00:43:17.280 --> 00:43:23.920
Um, yeah, and it can cause you to get angry, but you should, when that

670
00:43:23.920 --> 00:43:28.680
happens, if that happens, you should read into it as such, you should say,

671
00:43:28.680 --> 00:43:34.280
you know, um, I really thought there might be something there, but, you

672
00:43:34.280 --> 00:43:36.600
know, maybe there's a good reason.

673
00:43:36.600 --> 00:43:41.000
Some people do have, well, I've heard stories where somebody, you

674
00:43:41.000 --> 00:43:42.960
know, for, for really good reason.

675
00:43:42.960 --> 00:43:47.360
I was literally caught in a snowstorm or I got sick and went to the hospital.

676
00:43:47.360 --> 00:43:47.760
You know what I mean?

677
00:43:47.760 --> 00:43:50.920
There's, there are some times where there's situational

678
00:43:50.920 --> 00:43:53.320
reasons why things happen.

679
00:43:54.080 --> 00:43:57.360
But for the most part, you know, people should be honorable in their

680
00:43:57.360 --> 00:44:02.440
communication and reasonable within, you know, if it's, uh, if it's the next

681
00:44:02.440 --> 00:44:07.160
day, maybe they had a heavy work schedule and then by the following day, they

682
00:44:07.160 --> 00:44:10.200
follow up, that's reasonable, right?

683
00:44:10.760 --> 00:44:11.120
Yeah.

684
00:44:11.520 --> 00:44:14.200
You'd think they'd want to follow up as soon as possible.

685
00:44:14.440 --> 00:44:17.840
And you would hope to, especially if you're expecting response, but at the

686
00:44:17.840 --> 00:44:22.840
same time, you know, if it's a couple of days, two or three days, you're like,

687
00:44:23.680 --> 00:44:25.040
did you get run over by a train?

688
00:44:25.040 --> 00:44:25.840
Like what happened?

689
00:44:26.040 --> 00:44:26.800
You know, please.

690
00:44:27.480 --> 00:44:27.720
Yeah.

691
00:44:27.720 --> 00:44:29.080
That's, that's what, that's where I'm at.

692
00:44:29.080 --> 00:44:32.640
Like I've gotten that like so much and I'm just done with it.

693
00:44:32.640 --> 00:44:34.440
Like, I'm just really annoyed.

694
00:44:34.560 --> 00:44:38.080
Well, and again, you know, we talked about this with you, Andy as well as,

695
00:44:38.400 --> 00:44:45.560
you know, I think, and this is going through all the no's to get to the yes.

696
00:44:46.440 --> 00:44:48.520
That is super key.

697
00:44:49.120 --> 00:44:56.280
And so I would not waste your emotional energy and all of that on any kind of,

698
00:44:57.080 --> 00:44:59.760
you know, rejecting sort of situations like that.

699
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.360
It's gonna have to let it be water off a duck's back

700
00:45:04.360 --> 00:45:06.680
and not put so much stock into it,

701
00:45:06.680 --> 00:45:07.840
especially so early,

702
00:45:09.040 --> 00:45:10.800
and emotional stock into it.

703
00:45:10.800 --> 00:45:12.880
Just be okay with that.

704
00:45:12.880 --> 00:45:14.060
You know?

705
00:45:14.060 --> 00:45:14.900
And getting-

706
00:45:14.900 --> 00:45:16.440
I haven't actually been on dates like-

707
00:45:16.440 --> 00:45:17.280
To your nose,

708
00:45:17.280 --> 00:45:18.800
before I get to your yeses.

709
00:45:20.120 --> 00:45:21.800
Yeah, I haven't been on dates in several months,

710
00:45:21.800 --> 00:45:26.760
so I kind of am just sitting tight for a bit.

711
00:45:26.760 --> 00:45:27.600
Yeah.

712
00:45:27.600 --> 00:45:28.420
Yeah, certainly.

713
00:45:28.420 --> 00:45:29.260
And I get that,

714
00:45:29.880 --> 00:45:33.120
but get back out there and don't stop trying.

715
00:45:33.120 --> 00:45:34.680
For sure.

716
00:45:34.680 --> 00:45:39.680
I've kind of just relied on matchmaking to get dates.

717
00:45:43.680 --> 00:45:45.960
There's like some online speed dating things

718
00:45:45.960 --> 00:45:48.520
I've gotten some dates through,

719
00:45:49.440 --> 00:45:53.840
but I guess one of the other problems is the long distance.

720
00:45:53.840 --> 00:45:55.920
It's like, I want her to move here,

721
00:45:56.860 --> 00:46:00.060
and usually she says she's okay with it,

722
00:46:00.060 --> 00:46:04.940
and then after several weeks,

723
00:46:04.940 --> 00:46:05.780
then she says,

724
00:46:05.780 --> 00:46:07.740
oh, well actually I'm not okay with moving.

725
00:46:07.740 --> 00:46:08.580
So-

726
00:46:08.580 --> 00:46:09.500
Yeah, well.

727
00:46:09.500 --> 00:46:12.400
Yeah, unfortunately sometimes people may respond

728
00:46:12.400 --> 00:46:15.100
to a little bit prematurely with something

729
00:46:15.100 --> 00:46:18.220
because they feel like they want to say yes,

730
00:46:18.220 --> 00:46:19.820
or they want to,

731
00:46:19.820 --> 00:46:21.300
whatever their motivation is,

732
00:46:21.300 --> 00:46:22.500
they don't want to be rude,

733
00:46:22.520 --> 00:46:26.640
or they want to be agreeable to a certain level,

734
00:46:26.640 --> 00:46:31.040
and then they realize that it's either not possible,

735
00:46:31.040 --> 00:46:33.520
or a lot of different other things.

736
00:46:33.520 --> 00:46:36.480
But it's good to know that earlier sooner than later.

737
00:46:36.480 --> 00:46:38.240
Thomas, you made a comment about Los Angeles

738
00:46:38.240 --> 00:46:40.440
women use lack of response as an attentional message

739
00:46:40.440 --> 00:46:43.800
of disinterest without intending disrespect.

740
00:46:43.800 --> 00:46:48.560
So you're saying that it's more respectful

741
00:46:48.560 --> 00:46:52.120
to not send a message?

742
00:46:52.880 --> 00:46:57.520
No, I'm saying that it's become kind of a method

743
00:46:57.520 --> 00:47:00.640
of communication that I think a lot of people

744
00:47:00.640 --> 00:47:04.080
would be surprised to be accused of disrespect.

745
00:47:04.080 --> 00:47:07.040
It's more kind of like, this is how it is.

746
00:47:07.040 --> 00:47:09.080
Because a lot of women, when they respond and say no,

747
00:47:09.080 --> 00:47:12.240
they get sworn at, or insulted, or whatever else.

748
00:47:12.240 --> 00:47:13.080
Yeah.

749
00:47:13.080 --> 00:47:14.840
I think it's turned into like a very kind of like

750
00:47:14.840 --> 00:47:18.160
high context communication kind of situation.

751
00:47:18.160 --> 00:47:19.000
Yeah.

752
00:47:19.000 --> 00:47:19.840
Where there's a lot of kind of like,

753
00:47:19.840 --> 00:47:21.960
oh, this person didn't respond to me.

754
00:47:22.460 --> 00:47:24.180
They're not being mean,

755
00:47:24.180 --> 00:47:26.300
but I know that they're telling me

756
00:47:26.300 --> 00:47:28.220
that they're not interested.

757
00:47:28.220 --> 00:47:29.180
Yeah.

758
00:47:29.180 --> 00:47:30.340
Yeah, and I understand.

759
00:47:30.340 --> 00:47:32.720
I get that because culturally speaking,

760
00:47:35.100 --> 00:47:38.620
sometimes men especially have a real hard time

761
00:47:38.620 --> 00:47:43.620
with rejection and they respond angrily, violently,

762
00:47:43.980 --> 00:47:45.660
inappropriately, obviously.

763
00:47:45.660 --> 00:47:49.060
Obviously, women have a hard time rejection too,

764
00:47:49.060 --> 00:47:51.660
and they respond differently.

765
00:47:52.360 --> 00:47:55.720
But yeah, it could be a cultural thing as well,

766
00:47:55.720 --> 00:47:58.440
which is sad, difficult.

767
00:47:58.440 --> 00:48:01.600
I wish people could be just more open and honest,

768
00:48:01.600 --> 00:48:03.160
but yeah, you're right.

769
00:48:03.160 --> 00:48:04.160
I mean, I think you're right.

770
00:48:04.160 --> 00:48:07.320
Like a nice, respectful, you know, no, thank you

771
00:48:07.320 --> 00:48:09.620
is always, you know, it's not fun,

772
00:48:09.620 --> 00:48:11.720
but it feels a little better than like,

773
00:48:11.720 --> 00:48:14.000
oh, I guess they're not interested.

774
00:48:14.000 --> 00:48:14.840
Kind of a thing.

775
00:48:14.840 --> 00:48:16.680
What do you think, in this exact context,

776
00:48:16.680 --> 00:48:20.640
what do you think though about the man

777
00:48:20.660 --> 00:48:25.660
for the sake of, you know, being honorable first?

778
00:48:26.140 --> 00:48:28.900
So it's been a moment, maybe it's been 24 hours,

779
00:48:28.900 --> 00:48:33.800
maybe it's been 36 hours and no response.

780
00:48:33.800 --> 00:48:36.620
And you're wanting the response because you're the guy

781
00:48:36.620 --> 00:48:39.340
and you are interested, but maybe she's not,

782
00:48:39.340 --> 00:48:41.360
she's being silent on you.

783
00:48:41.360 --> 00:48:43.460
What about giving a text that says,

784
00:48:43.460 --> 00:48:46.580
hey, haven't heard from you, you know,

785
00:48:46.580 --> 00:48:49.460
if you're not interested, whatever.

786
00:48:49.520 --> 00:48:50.360
Yes, no.

787
00:48:50.360 --> 00:48:51.840
Chris is saying no.

788
00:48:51.840 --> 00:48:53.720
Does that open up a thing of worms?

789
00:48:53.720 --> 00:48:55.680
I think it's more, more than that.

790
00:48:55.680 --> 00:48:57.000
Can you do that honorably?

791
00:48:57.000 --> 00:48:59.180
If you want to, if you want to win her heart,

792
00:48:59.180 --> 00:49:01.040
you just let it sit.

793
00:49:01.040 --> 00:49:01.880
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

794
00:49:01.880 --> 00:49:05.040
You just let it sit.

795
00:49:05.040 --> 00:49:08.200
But if you're 90% sure she's just being silent

796
00:49:08.200 --> 00:49:10.480
because it's a no for her,

797
00:49:10.480 --> 00:49:13.800
to give her a way to give her an out honorably

798
00:49:13.800 --> 00:49:16.040
so that you at least have that communication.

799
00:49:16.040 --> 00:49:16.880
Yes or no?

800
00:49:16.940 --> 00:49:19.780
She doesn't know that it's a no, necessarily.

801
00:49:19.780 --> 00:49:22.260
She might, but you don't know that.

802
00:49:22.260 --> 00:49:23.540
And I'm-

803
00:49:23.540 --> 00:49:24.500
Yeah, but when?

804
00:49:24.500 --> 00:49:25.900
Three days, four days?

805
00:49:25.900 --> 00:49:26.740
No, just leave it.

806
00:49:26.740 --> 00:49:28.140
It could be a month or two.

807
00:49:28.140 --> 00:49:29.140
You move on.

808
00:49:29.140 --> 00:49:30.100
You just move on.

809
00:49:30.100 --> 00:49:33.020
You say that's over, it's done.

810
00:49:33.020 --> 00:49:35.000
You don't, you never double text.

811
00:49:35.920 --> 00:49:39.060
You move on and she may come-

812
00:49:39.060 --> 00:49:41.900
I work in sales, Chris.

813
00:49:41.900 --> 00:49:43.100
I'm getting my answer.

814
00:49:43.560 --> 00:49:44.400
Okay.

815
00:49:45.680 --> 00:49:49.120
Whether you're a prospect or a girl, I'll get my answer.

816
00:49:49.960 --> 00:49:50.800
That's good.

817
00:49:50.800 --> 00:49:55.800
I mean, I see the positives in both.

818
00:49:56.200 --> 00:49:57.280
I'll just be honest and say,

819
00:49:57.280 --> 00:49:58.880
I've never been turned down by a girl.

820
00:49:58.880 --> 00:50:00.240
I keep turning down girls.

821
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:03.000
I have a pretty good track record, just to get on.

822
00:50:03.000 --> 00:50:06.000
And to Chris's point, right?

823
00:50:06.000 --> 00:50:09.000
Well, okay, so for all the anxious people,

824
00:50:09.000 --> 00:50:12.000
like three days seems like an eternity.

825
00:50:12.000 --> 00:50:15.000
For an avoidant person, three days seems like a minute.

826
00:50:15.000 --> 00:50:17.000
Right? You know, like, and so...

827
00:50:17.000 --> 00:50:19.000
I think that's a big difference, yeah.

828
00:50:19.000 --> 00:50:21.000
Well, no, and so, like, if you're...

829
00:50:21.000 --> 00:50:24.000
Okay, and generally anxious find avoidant,

830
00:50:24.000 --> 00:50:25.000
because that's the cycle,

831
00:50:25.000 --> 00:50:27.000
and that's usually what's most attractive.

832
00:50:27.000 --> 00:50:29.000
I mean, I'd say, like, 80%.

833
00:50:29.000 --> 00:50:31.000
It's a high number.

834
00:50:31.000 --> 00:50:34.000
But, like, so if you're pursuing an avoidant,

835
00:50:34.000 --> 00:50:36.000
three days could be their cadence.

836
00:50:36.000 --> 00:50:37.000
Right?

837
00:50:37.000 --> 00:50:41.000
And, like, so you need to, like, and especially early on,

838
00:50:41.000 --> 00:50:43.000
but let it go.

839
00:50:43.000 --> 00:50:44.000
Right?

840
00:50:44.000 --> 00:50:46.000
Like, you know, and, like, you know,

841
00:50:46.000 --> 00:50:49.000
and I think to the point is,

842
00:50:49.000 --> 00:50:52.000
because I've been the anxious one pursuing,

843
00:50:52.000 --> 00:50:54.000
and then it just turns into a crap show.

844
00:50:54.000 --> 00:50:55.000
You know, like, it just goes...

845
00:50:55.000 --> 00:50:57.000
But when I've backed off,

846
00:50:57.000 --> 00:51:02.000
it ends up coming back around somehow for some reason.

847
00:51:02.000 --> 00:51:04.000
And, you know, there was one that I actually wanted

848
00:51:04.000 --> 00:51:05.000
to be in a relationship,

849
00:51:05.000 --> 00:51:07.000
and it really helped me with my anxious attachment.

850
00:51:07.000 --> 00:51:08.000
Right?

851
00:51:08.000 --> 00:51:10.000
Because I really dug her,

852
00:51:10.000 --> 00:51:12.000
but she just wasn't healed enough

853
00:51:12.000 --> 00:51:14.000
to actually have a real relationship.

854
00:51:14.000 --> 00:51:15.000
You know?

855
00:51:15.000 --> 00:51:19.000
And so, but, like, but she was an avoidant,

856
00:51:19.000 --> 00:51:22.000
and I didn't want to throw her out the door,

857
00:51:22.000 --> 00:51:23.000
because I knew...

858
00:51:23.000 --> 00:51:25.000
Okay, so avoidant people don't become avoidant

859
00:51:25.000 --> 00:51:26.000
because they want to.

860
00:51:26.000 --> 00:51:27.000
Right?

861
00:51:27.000 --> 00:51:29.000
Like, you know, but...

862
00:51:29.000 --> 00:51:34.000
So if you can have the grace and the patience with them

863
00:51:34.000 --> 00:51:37.000
and not get mad at them, you know,

864
00:51:37.000 --> 00:51:40.000
they really need, they really can come around

865
00:51:40.000 --> 00:51:42.000
if you give them the opportunity.

866
00:51:42.000 --> 00:51:45.000
But it just depends on how fractured they are

867
00:51:45.000 --> 00:51:46.000
and how much...

868
00:51:46.000 --> 00:51:48.000
But if it's somebody who you're not really interested in,

869
00:51:48.000 --> 00:51:50.000
then don't put the effort out.

870
00:51:50.000 --> 00:51:52.000
But, you know, I just let her run.

871
00:51:52.000 --> 00:51:55.000
Like, you know, like, let out the real, you know?

872
00:51:55.000 --> 00:51:57.000
It's like, okay, do whatever you want.

873
00:51:57.000 --> 00:51:59.000
I'm going to go do my stuff.

874
00:51:59.000 --> 00:52:00.000
So...

875
00:52:00.000 --> 00:52:01.000
In a situation...

876
00:52:01.000 --> 00:52:02.000
I thank you.

877
00:52:02.000 --> 00:52:03.000
Thanks, Mike, for that input,

878
00:52:03.000 --> 00:52:05.000
because I think you make some really good points

879
00:52:05.000 --> 00:52:09.000
about, like, the difference between who you are as a guy.

880
00:52:09.000 --> 00:52:13.000
Like, you know, to Scott's point, it's great.

881
00:52:13.000 --> 00:52:16.000
Like, his mind is like, I just need...

882
00:52:16.000 --> 00:52:19.000
Just tell me no so that I can move on to the next thing.

883
00:52:19.000 --> 00:52:21.000
And it's just like, that's helpful for him.

884
00:52:21.000 --> 00:52:25.000
Versus someone who, you know, like Chris,

885
00:52:25.000 --> 00:52:27.000
I think what Chris is trying to say is that,

886
00:52:27.000 --> 00:52:29.000
hey, I'm health...

887
00:52:29.000 --> 00:52:32.000
I'm okay just to move on.

888
00:52:32.000 --> 00:52:34.000
And if something comes up, great,

889
00:52:34.000 --> 00:52:37.000
but I'm not going to, like, deign myself

890
00:52:37.000 --> 00:52:39.000
to have that sort of, like,

891
00:52:39.000 --> 00:52:42.000
second follow-up text sort of thing.

892
00:52:42.000 --> 00:52:43.000
So there's...

893
00:52:43.000 --> 00:52:44.000
I think there's this different...

894
00:52:44.000 --> 00:52:46.000
I think that's probably just a difference of opinion

895
00:52:46.000 --> 00:52:48.000
and difference of, like, your mannerisms.

896
00:52:48.000 --> 00:52:52.000
But I definitely wouldn't want there to be the silence.

897
00:52:52.000 --> 00:52:54.000
And for somebody to hang on,

898
00:52:54.000 --> 00:52:57.000
and I feel like maybe, Andy, this might be trouble for you,

899
00:52:57.000 --> 00:53:01.000
is that that silence is, like, deafening to you,

900
00:53:01.000 --> 00:53:03.000
and it creates anger.

901
00:53:03.000 --> 00:53:06.000
So my suggestion of, like, giving an out

902
00:53:06.000 --> 00:53:08.000
after an appropriate amount of time

903
00:53:08.000 --> 00:53:10.000
may give you the closure.

904
00:53:10.000 --> 00:53:12.000
Because I would hate for you to sit there

905
00:53:12.000 --> 00:53:16.000
just in torture, in silence,

906
00:53:16.000 --> 00:53:18.000
because, you know, Chris says,

907
00:53:18.000 --> 00:53:21.000
don't... no second texting.

908
00:53:21.000 --> 00:53:22.000
Nothing against you, Chris.

909
00:53:22.000 --> 00:53:25.000
I'm just saying, you know, like, what works for you is great.

910
00:53:25.000 --> 00:53:26.000
But I'm just saying, for Andy's sake,

911
00:53:26.000 --> 00:53:29.000
maybe it's like, hey, you know what I'm going to do?

912
00:53:29.000 --> 00:53:31.000
I'm going to have sort of, like, this threshold

913
00:53:31.000 --> 00:53:33.000
because I don't want to harbor bitterness.

914
00:53:33.000 --> 00:53:34.000
I don't want to get angry.

915
00:53:34.000 --> 00:53:38.000
It's not worth that to get all upset like that

916
00:53:38.000 --> 00:53:39.000
because it's just not.

917
00:53:39.000 --> 00:53:41.000
And so I might as well just have the answer.

918
00:53:41.000 --> 00:53:43.000
Hey, just let you know what I've heard from you.

919
00:53:44.000 --> 00:53:47.000
If it's, you know, if there's no chance in another date

920
00:53:47.000 --> 00:53:49.000
or however you want to say it, it's fine by me.

921
00:53:49.000 --> 00:53:52.000
I just would love to be able to hear back from you.

922
00:53:52.000 --> 00:53:55.000
And then at that point,

923
00:53:55.000 --> 00:53:58.000
that would definitely be a situation

924
00:53:58.000 --> 00:54:00.000
that was the last point where you text.

925
00:54:00.000 --> 00:54:03.000
I wouldn't follow that up with another text to find out.

926
00:54:03.000 --> 00:54:05.000
And if they're silent again,

927
00:54:05.000 --> 00:54:07.000
then that's definitely your answer.

928
00:54:07.000 --> 00:54:10.000
But if that's something that you know for sure,

929
00:54:11.000 --> 00:54:14.000
that might be a good suggestion.

930
00:54:14.000 --> 00:54:16.000
What about bread crumbing?

931
00:54:16.000 --> 00:54:18.000
Because I did have one girl that.

932
00:54:18.000 --> 00:54:19.000
Yeah.

933
00:54:19.000 --> 00:54:22.000
I thought she was worth it.

934
00:54:22.000 --> 00:54:25.000
And she kept saying that she actually was interested,

935
00:54:25.000 --> 00:54:28.000
but then she kept being silent.

936
00:54:28.000 --> 00:54:31.000
So I was like, I was like, what the heck?

937
00:54:31.000 --> 00:54:32.000
That's good.

938
00:54:32.000 --> 00:54:34.000
What's that?

939
00:54:34.000 --> 00:54:36.000
So if it's banana nut bread crumbs, I'm in.

940
00:54:37.000 --> 00:54:39.000
Yeah.

941
00:54:39.000 --> 00:54:41.000
I think if somebody is interested in you,

942
00:54:41.000 --> 00:54:43.000
they'll get back to you.

943
00:54:43.000 --> 00:54:45.000
I know, like, if I'm interested, I'll get back.

944
00:54:45.000 --> 00:54:47.000
But if you're really not, somebody texts you,

945
00:54:47.000 --> 00:54:50.000
you're kind of like, and then you're like,

946
00:54:50.000 --> 00:54:51.000
I really don't want to respond.

947
00:54:51.000 --> 00:54:54.000
You just like, just keep pushing it off.

948
00:54:54.000 --> 00:54:59.000
And I think that anxious and the avoidant,

949
00:54:59.000 --> 00:55:00.000
you can switch.

950
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:06.880
I mean, I know I can switch depending on how I feel about the person and also like the avoidant

951
00:55:06.880 --> 00:55:14.400
is really like up front and into it at first. And then they pull back when they start feeling like,

952
00:55:14.400 --> 00:55:19.280
you know, you're getting close because they really have like a, well, both of them have a wound that

953
00:55:19.280 --> 00:55:23.280
they don't feel they're good enough, but the avoidant pulls away. But at first it's all,

954
00:55:23.280 --> 00:55:29.200
you know, that's all on. But I know I've gone, if I really liked somebody, I could kind of be

955
00:55:29.200 --> 00:55:34.160
anxious, but if I don't really like the person that much, I can be more on the avoidance side.

956
00:55:34.160 --> 00:55:38.560
So I don't think we're locked into a certain way. It depends, you know,

957
00:55:39.440 --> 00:55:43.840
you've probably gone both ways. If you think about it, you've been anxious in some relationships

958
00:55:43.840 --> 00:55:50.000
and some of them you've kind of been like, yeah, kind of avoidant. Andy, try, try this text one

959
00:55:50.000 --> 00:55:55.840
line, one line. Hey, have you given up on trying to get to know each other? And the answer is going

960
00:55:55.840 --> 00:56:02.960
to be, Hey, yeah, don't want to, or no. And here's super simple. It's what I do with people

961
00:56:02.960 --> 00:56:08.240
when they don't, when they try to ghost me in sales. Yeah. Hey, have you given up on fixing this?

962
00:56:09.200 --> 00:56:16.080
Nope. Okay. And my conversation starts again or yes. Cool. You're closed. I don't need to

963
00:56:16.080 --> 00:56:23.280
worry about you. Bye bye. On to the next. Yeah. Hey, bless him. Bless him. Yeah. And I say that

964
00:56:23.360 --> 00:56:32.240
like that, not to be right. I'm good. I'm good. See ya. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, John, I would say like,

965
00:56:33.360 --> 00:56:37.200
that attachment styles are only when you want to attach to somebody. So if they're not,

966
00:56:37.760 --> 00:56:42.160
you're obviously going to be avoidant if there's somebody that you don't want to attach with.

967
00:56:43.040 --> 00:56:47.120
Well, that's true too. But if you're not totally sure if you're into it or not, you're kind of

968
00:56:47.760 --> 00:56:54.960
So, but like, so like, you know, and, and there's, is it, you know, I get, I get like, I know when,

969
00:56:54.960 --> 00:57:00.640
when I'm actually really interested in somebody, I like, why am I trying to blow this up? Because

970
00:57:00.640 --> 00:57:06.320
you know, like, so, so I, I can go to that. And then, you know, but like the whole thing is, is

971
00:57:07.040 --> 00:57:13.600
regardless, you need to be locked into your identity. Like whether this chick is cool or

972
00:57:13.600 --> 00:57:19.040
not, and I dig her or whether she spends two weeks before she responds or whatever,

973
00:57:19.040 --> 00:57:25.040
I shouldn't affect who I am or what I do. Right. Like, you know, it's like, you know,

974
00:57:25.680 --> 00:57:29.040
it's like, Hey, if you don't, if you're not worthy, you're not worthy. I mean, that's great.

975
00:57:29.040 --> 00:57:33.200
You know, see you later. Bye bye. But like, you know, but like be so established in yourself

976
00:57:33.200 --> 00:57:42.000
that they can't knock you like, nobody should be able to affect you. I mean, they're going to

977
00:57:42.000 --> 00:57:48.560
affect you, but they shouldn't own you. More like be the, be the thermostat, not the thermometer,

978
00:57:48.560 --> 00:57:52.720
set the temperature and not don't just react to whatever the temperature in the room is.

979
00:57:53.280 --> 00:57:58.160
But I heard this one guy say, I thought was interesting. He said, you don't really miss

980
00:57:58.160 --> 00:58:04.240
like this per the person you miss who you were with them. So certain people bring out certain

981
00:58:04.240 --> 00:58:08.480
things in you, like certain people you act in certain ways, like maybe you want to buy her

982
00:58:08.480 --> 00:58:13.200
flowers or you want to do something and other ones you, you don't really, but, but you liked

983
00:58:13.200 --> 00:58:17.440
who you were when you were with that person. That's what this guy was saying. He's all,

984
00:58:17.440 --> 00:58:21.920
it wasn't so much about them. You, you were, you liked who you were with them.

985
00:58:23.040 --> 00:58:26.080
And which is, you know, cause there's some people who, if you think about it,

986
00:58:26.080 --> 00:58:30.480
who you are with them, you, you don't like who you are with them. And other people you're,

987
00:58:30.480 --> 00:58:34.640
you're like, Oh, I really like who I am. I'm considerate and protective. And this,

988
00:58:34.720 --> 00:58:38.240
with this person and these other people, they bring out the worst. Yeah.

989
00:58:39.840 --> 00:58:40.340
Yeah.

990
00:58:41.920 --> 00:58:45.840
Go. So just to say the other thing to keep in mind, especially if you're on an app is like,

991
00:58:45.840 --> 00:58:51.360
sometimes people are talking to like multiple people and they're like confused and trying to

992
00:58:51.360 --> 00:58:58.640
figure things out. So if you force a decision, they might not have been like, no, but they're

993
00:58:58.640 --> 00:59:03.680
just, their head is like, you know, they're talking to someone else. And so rather than force

994
00:59:03.680 --> 00:59:10.720
a decision, if you just kind of like, you know, if you, if you let, if you let leave it on red,

995
00:59:10.720 --> 00:59:17.520
as they say you know, you, you kind of leave the door open and you're in your heart, you just have

996
00:59:17.520 --> 00:59:22.480
to kind of be like, okay, well that door is closed for me for now, but I'm not going to make them

997
00:59:22.480 --> 00:59:27.920
feel awkward. And I'm not going to necessarily bolt the door closed from my side if they want

998
00:59:27.920 --> 00:59:32.640
to knock on it in the future. Cause I don't know, you know, I give me a month and a half,

999
00:59:32.640 --> 00:59:39.920
I might still be, you know, on, you know, looking for a relationship and, you know, I was,

1000
00:59:39.920 --> 00:59:46.080
I'm ready now. And they were trying to figure out someone else. And then three weeks later, like,

1001
00:59:47.040 --> 00:59:50.640
you know, they weren't in a relationship with someone else, but they were also messaging

1002
00:59:50.640 --> 00:59:58.320
someone else and someone else was leaving them on red, you know? So I haven't dated online a lot,

1003
00:59:58.320 --> 01:00:00.000
but there was a girl that.

1004
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:04.960
Um, she wasn't she was actually so so happened. I first met her.

1005
01:00:10.080 --> 01:00:13.120
It was an interesting situation. We actually never ended up meeting,

1006
01:00:14.000 --> 01:00:16.960
but I was kind of curious for a while. We went back and forth for a while,

1007
01:00:16.960 --> 01:00:19.120
and she was kind of giving me a little bit of run around.

1008
01:00:20.160 --> 01:00:23.600
And I just kind of I didn't force it. I didn't say, like, what do you want?

1009
01:00:23.600 --> 01:00:27.840
Or do you want to go forward? And I just kind of, like, left it,

1010
01:00:27.840 --> 01:00:31.440
you know, politely, but I just didn't, like, pursue it anymore.

1011
01:00:32.400 --> 01:00:36.240
And, you know, a month and a half later, two months later, she was, like,

1012
01:00:36.960 --> 01:00:40.160
inviting me to help her with some stuff at her house and to meet her dog.

1013
01:00:41.200 --> 01:00:47.200
And at that point, I was I had kind of moved on and I was I had other things that were occupying

1014
01:00:47.200 --> 01:00:52.080
my time. So I'm just saying if I had forced a decision, the decision from her side would have

1015
01:00:52.080 --> 01:00:58.000
been no. But because I just kind of was like, OK, well, you don't really seem to be open to

1016
01:00:58.000 --> 01:01:03.040
taking this any further. And I'm not going to force you to make a decision right now.

1017
01:01:04.080 --> 01:01:07.680
If you're interested, you know, the implicit implication is the implication is like,

1018
01:01:07.680 --> 01:01:10.480
if you're interested down the line, like my door is still open.

1019
01:01:11.600 --> 01:01:18.000
You know, and and from the other side, I've I've been forced in decisions that I wish

1020
01:01:18.000 --> 01:01:22.960
in hindsight I hadn't been forced into, because at that point the decision was no.

1021
01:01:23.840 --> 01:01:28.000
And so the door, the decision became no, because the decision was forced.

1022
01:01:28.640 --> 01:01:32.400
And I don't mean that someone should give me any time if I'm not committed to them.

1023
01:01:32.400 --> 01:01:35.920
I just mean if I indicate that I'm not really open to a relationship right now,

1024
01:01:36.480 --> 01:01:42.320
don't force me to bolt the door closed on you, you know, for no reason, because I'm not taking

1025
01:01:42.320 --> 01:01:46.880
up any of your time. I'm not in your life. I'm not asking for anything. Don't force me to bolt

1026
01:01:46.880 --> 01:01:53.680
the door closed and make things awkward. Yeah, you know, yeah, really. Chris, I appreciate you,

1027
01:01:53.680 --> 01:01:56.640
you know, sharing your perspective there, because, you know,

1028
01:01:56.640 --> 01:01:59.920
it really does come down to like if you're actively pursuing.

1029
01:02:03.680 --> 01:02:08.320
Being married and being settled and being in a spear mate situation,

1030
01:02:09.040 --> 01:02:15.920
then maybe it's a little bit more. An aggressive search that you're doing

1031
01:02:15.920 --> 01:02:22.720
to where you're not willing to, or you don't feel like you can afford sort of the waiting,

1032
01:02:22.720 --> 01:02:28.000
you know, waiting around. But if you're in a different season of life where it's not necessarily,

1033
01:02:30.640 --> 01:02:36.160
you know, imminent, meaning that it has to be or should be the next thing, which is being married,

1034
01:02:36.160 --> 01:02:41.680
like is a major move in your life, and you're wanting to hold that space for someone,

1035
01:02:42.640 --> 01:02:47.760
then yeah, you definitely can go both ways in this, you know, I'm not suggesting you hold

1036
01:02:47.760 --> 01:02:51.760
space for him. I'm not suggesting you wait for him. Yeah, no, no, no. But I mean, like you're

1037
01:02:51.760 --> 01:02:57.760
leaving, but you're, you said, leaving the door open in terms of like, you know, like,

1038
01:02:59.280 --> 01:03:05.760
I'm not giving you a hard no, so that you'll never come back. But at the same time,

1039
01:03:06.720 --> 01:03:12.000
you've left that space. I moved on, you know, right, right, right. No, I understand that.

1040
01:03:12.000 --> 01:03:16.320
I'm like, that door is closed. As far as I'm concerned. It's not for me. But I didn't say

1041
01:03:16.320 --> 01:03:21.600
I never told them it wasn't an option because they didn't give me an answer. Yeah.

1042
01:03:22.800 --> 01:03:29.280
Well, and you never know, like, even like a full circle. A year down the road, you never know how

1043
01:03:29.280 --> 01:03:33.840
it's gonna go. You know, I mean, you know, two years down the line, because you left the door

1044
01:03:33.840 --> 01:03:39.040
open, it actually may work at that point in time. Yeah, many a love story has been written in a way

1045
01:03:39.040 --> 01:03:45.520
that was not intended, you know, like, wow, I didn't know that was gonna happen. You know,

1046
01:03:45.520 --> 01:03:51.760
so many love stories, you know, some of the greatest love stories are scripted that way to

1047
01:03:51.760 --> 01:03:56.240
where it's just like, you know, I didn't see that coming serendipitously, you know, like these

1048
01:03:56.240 --> 01:04:01.920
things sort of work their way, you know, around. Yeah, that's some of the beauty of it.

1049
01:04:02.560 --> 01:04:06.400
Yeah, we got into a deeper conversation. But Andy, you were asking about girls who you're

1050
01:04:06.400 --> 01:04:12.160
just kind of talking to maybe went on a date with. Sure. Um, you know, we're talking about I'm not,

1051
01:04:12.720 --> 01:04:16.480
I'm saying, Hey, if you just goes to me, and we just started talking on a date, I'm gonna find

1052
01:04:16.480 --> 01:04:21.280
out and then move on. I won't even remember you if we went on a date from two years ago, probably

1053
01:04:21.280 --> 01:04:25.680
like or what conversations we had. That's the reality. Like, so something two years from now,

1054
01:04:25.680 --> 01:04:31.280
but you might look familiar to me. Two years, a long time. So I'm not saying like, this is not

1055
01:04:31.280 --> 01:04:35.200
like just closing the door on somebody who I've spent some time getting to know or anything like

1056
01:04:35.200 --> 01:04:39.760
that. And it's not the right time. And your context of your question was, these are people

1057
01:04:39.760 --> 01:04:44.560
I've just started talking to, I've maybe never even met them. These are very low stakes. And

1058
01:04:44.560 --> 01:04:49.760
I've never met. I mean, yeah, I guess I guess I tend to treat it. I tend to treat it as high

1059
01:04:49.760 --> 01:04:54.560
stakes. That's part of the problem. That's probably the greatest lesson for you, Andy,

1060
01:04:54.560 --> 01:04:59.600
is that you're gonna have to rearrange your low and high stakes there. You can't put so many

1061
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:06.560
So many chips into the pot so early in the game, you know, which causes you to be angry

1062
01:05:07.080 --> 01:05:11.600
That that's not healthy for you. So you have to take that a little bit slower

1063
01:05:12.320 --> 01:05:14.320
Take that a little bit

1064
01:05:14.360 --> 01:05:16.360
You know

1065
01:05:16.880 --> 01:05:22.700
More in context like hey, this is just the first date second date type thing. Yeah

1066
01:05:23.060 --> 01:05:26.980
Walk away from it and be okay with it emotionally sooner again

1067
01:05:27.500 --> 01:05:33.100
Getting through the nose in order to get to the yes. I really believe that's a key for you in

1068
01:05:33.780 --> 01:05:35.780
Finding the right one for sure

1069
01:05:36.700 --> 01:05:40.540
Well guys great discussion tonight. Thank you all for being here. Thank you all for sharing

1070
01:05:40.540 --> 01:05:46.620
I really appreciate all of your input. It's super valid and and super helpful

1071
01:05:48.140 --> 01:05:50.140
It's interesting to see

1072
01:05:50.380 --> 01:05:52.380
It's interesting to see

1073
01:05:52.820 --> 01:05:54.980
how everybody processes their

1074
01:05:55.660 --> 01:06:02.300
Their situation differently and it's and it's and it's alright. I feel I feel good about it. So

1075
01:06:03.060 --> 01:06:07.260
I'll just pray father. God. We thank you Lord for this for this night this time together

1076
01:06:07.780 --> 01:06:10.020
Bless all of these men. They're on here. They're

1077
01:06:10.740 --> 01:06:12.420
pursuing you

1078
01:06:12.420 --> 01:06:14.420
their best and

1079
01:06:14.860 --> 01:06:16.860
Just trying to navigate

1080
01:06:17.020 --> 01:06:22.060
Their life the best way possible and I just bless them right now speak life over them health and strength

1081
01:06:22.060 --> 01:06:27.180
I speak wisdom over them. I speak winds over them Lord

1082
01:06:27.180 --> 01:06:30.980
I know that you are interested in their success and that you

1083
01:06:31.620 --> 01:06:36.300
Have a plan for them. So let's just speak. Let that just become abundantly clear and

1084
01:06:38.580 --> 01:06:40.580
Able to be understood by them

1085
01:06:40.700 --> 01:06:47.500
So they can continue to partner with you and just see the greatness that you have for them in Jesus name I pray

1086
01:06:47.940 --> 01:06:49.940
Amen. Amen

1087
01:06:50.100 --> 01:06:52.460
Thank you guys guys. Have a great night

1088
01:06:53.900 --> 01:06:55.180
Hey Andy Andy

1089
01:06:55.180 --> 01:07:01.940
What I meant is is if you push all your chips into the pot and she's not putting any chips in the pot

1090
01:07:01.940 --> 01:07:03.260
It's a disparity

1091
01:07:03.260 --> 01:07:07.740
So if you put you put a couple of chips in and she matches your couple of chips

1092
01:07:07.740 --> 01:07:14.780
Then put some more in and then keep going back and forth versus all your chips. Yeah the reciprocation

1093
01:07:15.220 --> 01:07:20.660
That was what I meant. Just just to be clear because then you don't feel slighted because she took all your chips

1094
01:07:25.380 --> 01:07:27.380
That's good, that's good, thanks Mike