WEBVTT

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So, welcome to our June edition of Love Seats.

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This is your very first Love Seat.

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Raise your hand.

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We'd love to see who is brand new, who is brand new tonight for Love Seats.

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Allison's brand new.

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Welcome.

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Lynn is brand new.

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This is our live coaching call.

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Megan is brand new.

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All right.

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Exciting.

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Exciting.

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Okay.

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So, we do have a few people that are going to jump in the Love Seats with us, and that

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is going to be awesome.

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So, that's what we do here, friends.

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You can volunteer for the Love Seat.

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You can email us in advance and say, hey, next month I'd love to be on the Love Seat

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or next week, whenever it's on the calendar, you can email us.

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The easiest way for you to get in the Love Seat is not to email us, though, because that

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might get lost, especially if you ask too far in advance.

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And so, the best way for you to get in the Love Seat is there is a post that gets put

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up in your Phase 3 group, your last year single community group, ladies and gentlemen in your

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men's group, and it just says, hey, Love Seats is coming up.

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Do you want to jump in the Love Seat?

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Would you like to volunteer as tribute to be coached by Jackie in the group?

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Do you have a situation?

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Do you have a question?

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What is it that you want to ask?

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And we will have a little lightning round here at the end where you can ask your questions,

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okay?

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So, for those of you that are like, I didn't sign up for the Love Seat, but I really do

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want to get in it.

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If we have time at the end, which I will make sure that we do have time, we will definitely

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let you jump in.

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Okay.

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So, let's take a look at the folks that want to get in the Love Seat.

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Sarah Bath.

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Sarah Bath wants to get in the Love Seat.

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So, we're going to go ahead and start with you, Sarah.

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Go ahead and unmute yourself so that I can find you, and we're going to get going here.

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Sarah.

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Hello.

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All right.

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There she is.

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Okay.

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All right.

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There's Sarah.

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Beautiful Sarah.

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Hello.

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Yes.

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Thank you for having me.

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You're welcome.

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Okay.

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So, my question is relationship.

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Right?

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Yes.

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It would be, well, it's not technically a relationship, but I'm wondering if it should

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even be something that I should, you know, take, try to take any further.

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So, my question is, go ahead.

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I'm just going to let them know what you wrote in and said.

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So, LDR, potential LDR, long distance relationship, everybody.

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They haven't met in person yet.

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That's still true, right?

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Haven't met in person.

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Still true?

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Right.

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Right.

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Okay.

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Right.

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Had two video dates, though.

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So, kind of in person.

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They've had two video dates.

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He hasn't communicated as much as in the beginning.

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He said he was busy with work and travel for work.

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So, he doesn't know how much communication is healthy or normal to expect.

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All right.

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Tell us more.

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Yes.

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So, it's been, at first, he's sort of come on, you know, kind of strong.

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We established that he's only going to be in Arkansas for a year and is willing to and

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can relocate anywhere.

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And because I can't because of my kids.

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And so, that was the reason why I sort of entertained it because he was willing and

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able to relocate.

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And so, video calls went really well.

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We got along great.

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We seemed to, you know, hit it off.

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And then after that second call, it was like communication was dwindling, you know,

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further, fewer and further between.

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And there seemed to be excuses like the dog had to go to the vet, the car had to

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go to the shop.

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And, you know, I completely understand that things happen.

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But, and, you know, he would say things like, I'm so sorry.

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I've been MIA.

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And I didn't put that pressure on him.

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I was just, you know, letting him reach out to me.

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And, you know, and I reached out to him, too.

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It wasn't all one-sided or anything like that.

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But, you know.

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All right.

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How, like, okay, so after the second video date, how close were the video dates

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together?

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How close were they?

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Like a week apart?

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Let's see.

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We connected first on a Sunday.

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And then I think our second one was that same Tuesday.

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So within the same week, just a few days apart.

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And then we had a phone call that next week.

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We didn't do another video call.

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But he called me and we chatted the next week.

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But we've not had any other sort of, you know.

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OK, and how long has it been since the phone call?

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It was last, I'm trying to think, when did I get?

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It was not this past Sunday, but last Sunday.

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OK, and you said that your LDR, are you LDR right now?

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Is he in the same state as you right now?

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But he's going to be, OK, where is he at?

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He's in Arkansas, and I'm in Virginia.

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Virginia.

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OK, is your connection slow, or is my connection slow?

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Anybody?

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It could be mine.

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It's probably mine.

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OK, just making sure, just making sure.

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OK, so you guys haven't talked since last Sunday,

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which it's only Tuesday, so just a couple of days ago, right?

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You had a phone call?

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No, a week ago.

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So not this past Sunday, but last Sunday.

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OK, so 10 days, eight, nine days,

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how much have you heard from him since then, nine days?

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Not a whole lot.

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I heard from him last on Thursday evening,

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and before that, it was like the previous day, like that morning.

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He said, well, I would never want to disappoint you

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and let you down.

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I'm so sorry.

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I've been busy with work and things,

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and I was like, well, you know.

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And he said, I will definitely call you tomorrow

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and catch you up, and then I didn't hear from him

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all weekend until yesterday, and he just said, I made it.

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He's in Kansas City right now for work.

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He's like, I made it there, and we're running and gunning,

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doing all the things.

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I'll call you when I can, and it's just like,

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OK, is this going to, you know what I'm saying?

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I definitely know.

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I know enough now to give you some quality feedback.

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OK, so a couple of different things are happening here.

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First of all, you guys, you all know

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that I say that long distance relationships are hard.

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They are because you're not in proximity to the person,

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and what would normally be the trajectory of growth

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in a relationship doesn't happen with long distance.

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It either happens way too fast, where

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we feel like we're being love bombed

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and someone's catching feelings for us too soon,

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and they're getting emotionally attached to us,

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and things are being said way above the pay

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grade of the relationship because we haven't even

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met in person, or we've only met once in person, or whatever.

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And then also, the converse is true,

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where LDRs, they look like they're

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going to go at a faster trajectory at first,

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but then people start to get disillusioned, or busy,

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because remember, you're not around.

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You don't live where they live.

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They can't just come over and take you out

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for a coffee, or whatever.

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So what seems kind of exciting at first,

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pretty quickly, in just the minutiae and busyness

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of regular life, starts to be burdensome.

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And that's what's happening.

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The second one is happening here.

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He was really excited.

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Here's this pretty girl.

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He's talking to her.

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He's excited to talk to her.

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But then reality sets in that she lives in Virginia.

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I'm in Arkansas.

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And I also have a job that I travel a lot for work.

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And guess where I'm not going?

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Virginia.

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And I'm going here to Kansas City.

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I'm doing this.

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I'm doing that.

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Yeah, she's pretty.

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Yeah, it's fun.

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But I'm not going to see her.

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And also, you can see that he's using language like,

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I don't want to disappoint you.

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I don't want to hurt your feelings.

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And so he also has that on him.

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So if he's getting busy and he's falling off a little bit,

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what's most likely to happen with this personality

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is he's then going to be embarrassed.

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Then he's going to think that you are mad at him.

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And then he's going to avoid talking to you even more

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because he's disappointing you.

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He's embarrassed himself.

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He told you he would call the next day.

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And he didn't for whatever reason.

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And so it's not that he doesn't like you.

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95% chance that he likes you, thinks you're pretty,

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thinks you're fun.

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But he also doesn't have bandwidth

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for long distance relationship.

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So I think that it's OK to give him an ouch.

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So this is what you do.

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Next time you do hear from him, you

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say you heard from him yesterday,

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you need to just say, hey, long distance is really hard.

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I understand that you're in a really busy season.

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And while you might have bandwidth to date locally,

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perhaps you don't have time or attention

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to give to someone who's long distance because it takes a.

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little bit more time and attention. And it's not you,

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it's not me, but I'm looking for something and someone who has

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the time and attention, whether they're long distance or not to

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really invest in getting to know me. Right? Okay, not mad at you.

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And if he pushes back and it's like, I'm gonna do better. I

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mean, you could give it another chance. But he's already showing

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you that he doesn't have the bandwidth to invest in a long

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distance relationship. Guys, this doesn't make him an over

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doesn't make him a horrible person. It doesn't. It just

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means that long distance is hard. And with this guy's

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schedule, and with what's going on in his life, he can't do it.

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He's not doing it. It's not doing good, is he? No, he's not.

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Okay, so if you do want to give him another chance, and he wants

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to get more intentional, and you want to give that a chance,

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cool. Once again, it doesn't need to feel ultimate ultimatum

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it just needs to be like reality. If you guys have

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another call, even if you do, you might not. But if you do

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have another call, be like, Hey, I've enjoyed getting to know

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you. It doesn't seem like you have the space in your life to

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invest in long distance. You know, and then just see where it

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goes from there. Yeah. Awesome. Thank you so much. How old are

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you? I'm 40. Okay, Sarah's 40 y'all. She lives in Virginia.

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She cannot relocate. Okay, but she is single and ready to

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mingle. So if you are long distance, but you have the

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bandwidth to invest and you'd like to get to know her, let us

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know you can email us put Sarah in the subject line. And Sarah

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from Virginia and the subject line because we have lots of

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Sarah's. And then also remember that she is a single mom. So

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that's going to come as a prepackaged family. And if you

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are in the Virginia area or close by, and it's not that long

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distance, and you'd like to get to know her or ladies, you know

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a guy that you think would like to get to know her all of those

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people, all of those scenarios can email us about Sarah Beth.

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All right. All right. Thank you. Remove spotlight. All right.

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All right, you guys. Got some more. Let's get going. We have

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00:12:19.320 --> 00:12:23.720
Laurie Jean. So everyone have two names tonight. Sarah Beth

256
00:12:23.720 --> 00:12:24.200
Laurie Jean.

257
00:12:24.200 --> 00:12:27.520
I just have two names because my Facebook says Laurie Jean

258
00:12:27.520 --> 00:12:30.080
because I don't really care for my ex's last name.

259
00:12:31.560 --> 00:12:32.320
Well, there's

260
00:12:32.320 --> 00:12:34.720
these dating things. I just don't want everybody to

261
00:12:34.720 --> 00:12:37.520
instantly know your name when you're on stuff, you know,

262
00:12:37.520 --> 00:12:41.400
I mean, that's fair. Okay. So is it Laurie? So Cal that I'm

263
00:12:41.400 --> 00:12:44.480
just from Southern California. No, I'm just trying to find you

264
00:12:44.480 --> 00:12:46.920
on here. Is that what you're looking at right now? Okay.

265
00:12:46.960 --> 00:12:50.800
Yeah, let's get you spotlighted. Laurie. There's Laurie. Oh,

266
00:12:50.800 --> 00:12:53.960
well, okay. Laura's back. Laura's back in the love seat

267
00:12:53.960 --> 00:13:00.120
again. We've talked before. Catch everyone up the last

268
00:13:00.120 --> 00:13:01.160
couple of weeks.

269
00:13:01.160 --> 00:13:02.680
Yeah, we've talked a lot.

270
00:13:02.920 --> 00:13:08.520
We've talked before. Catch everyone up the last time that

271
00:13:08.560 --> 00:13:11.880
Laurie was here. She was talking about a long distance

272
00:13:11.880 --> 00:13:14.240
relationship, not as long distance as Arkansas and

273
00:13:14.240 --> 00:13:19.600
Virginia, but a distance and, you know, a growing attraction,

274
00:13:19.640 --> 00:13:24.680
a growing, you know, exclusive situation, but he wasn't able to

275
00:13:24.680 --> 00:13:27.400
pull the trigger and really make the kind of commitment that

276
00:13:27.400 --> 00:13:33.000
Laurie needed. And so she, last I heard, you know, you ended

277
00:13:33.000 --> 00:13:37.400
that, which was the advice that I gave you. And then it re-upped

278
00:13:37.440 --> 00:13:40.040
to re-up. Did it go come back full circle? What happened?

279
00:13:40.080 --> 00:13:44.200
It kind of did because he had wanted to like, get together and

280
00:13:44.200 --> 00:13:48.640
talk a little bit more before it was completely done. And so I

281
00:13:48.640 --> 00:13:51.960
have we already had plans for me, we go back and forth. And

282
00:13:51.960 --> 00:13:54.240
so we already have plans for me to go up there. So we went up

283
00:13:54.240 --> 00:13:57.600
there and did a lot of nice fun things. And then he made

284
00:13:57.600 --> 00:14:00.520
reservations for some romantic dinner. And then that morning,

285
00:14:00.520 --> 00:14:04.720
we're having coffee and talking. And that's when we started

286
00:14:04.720 --> 00:14:07.520
talking about it. But then all of a sudden, it got really weird

287
00:14:07.520 --> 00:14:11.560
because he just was still like this, you know, and this is a

288
00:14:11.560 --> 00:14:13.680
man who had been telling me he wanted to marry me since last

289
00:14:13.680 --> 00:14:17.320
May. We've been together for 18 months now, 16 months, I guess.

290
00:14:17.560 --> 00:14:19.760
And, and talking about where we're gonna go for our honeymoon,

291
00:14:19.760 --> 00:14:22.720
where we're gonna go, you know, all that. And then my birthday

292
00:14:22.720 --> 00:14:25.440
was wait, I can't my son has, you know, life threatening

293
00:14:25.440 --> 00:14:28.720
illness, my father in law just died. I'm doing a funeral at my

294
00:14:28.720 --> 00:14:31.120
house with all these people coming. He kind of had a lot

295
00:14:31.120 --> 00:14:34.280
going on felt like he couldn't said he couldn't commit. I was

296
00:14:34.280 --> 00:14:37.560
just shocked. So then I followed through with your advice and

297
00:14:37.560 --> 00:14:41.160
kind of did that. And so then we got together a couple weeks

298
00:14:41.160 --> 00:14:44.440
later to talk and to decide what the plan would be. So like when

299
00:14:44.440 --> 00:14:46.640
he reaffirmed all that I just said, that's cool. You know, I

300
00:14:46.640 --> 00:14:49.200
accept that. And you know, I want you to have the best I want

301
00:14:49.200 --> 00:14:53.320
to give you that grace. I want to leave in love. And, you know,

302
00:14:53.320 --> 00:14:57.880
I'm having a hip replacement in July. And so I'm going to get my

303
00:14:57.880 --> 00:15:00.040
hip replacement. I have two to three months off.

304
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:02.380
for recovering, and then I'd like to get together

305
00:15:02.380 --> 00:15:04.960
and maybe we can reassess and see where you're at,

306
00:15:04.960 --> 00:15:08.040
or I'm going to be totally making plans for my own life

307
00:15:08.040 --> 00:15:10.640
because I'm thinking about moving to South Carolina.

308
00:15:10.640 --> 00:15:15.240
And he just flipped a switch and just got super upset

309
00:15:15.240 --> 00:15:16.560
and like, what?

310
00:15:16.560 --> 00:15:17.720
You're just going to end it?

311
00:15:17.720 --> 00:15:19.320
Because he keeps saying, it's not a no.

312
00:15:19.320 --> 00:15:20.240
It's a not yet.

313
00:15:20.240 --> 00:15:21.000
It's not a no.

314
00:15:21.000 --> 00:15:23.280
OK, so let's talk about this really quick.

315
00:15:23.280 --> 00:15:25.240
And you can tell us the ending of that story,

316
00:15:25.240 --> 00:15:28.760
but I want you guys, I want to show you guys something, OK?

317
00:15:28.760 --> 00:15:31.840
So she already had the conversation with him

318
00:15:31.840 --> 00:15:34.560
that she needs more than he's willing to give, OK?

319
00:15:34.560 --> 00:15:37.760
He started out very anxiously attached, wanted to,

320
00:15:37.760 --> 00:15:39.520
we call it future faking.

321
00:15:39.520 --> 00:15:41.280
He wanted to talk about the future.

322
00:15:41.280 --> 00:15:43.560
He wanted to plan, oh, when we go on our honeymoon,

323
00:15:43.560 --> 00:15:46.600
we'll go here, and I can't wait, and all these things.

324
00:15:46.600 --> 00:15:49.800
And then what he did was, he's a disorganized attacher,

325
00:15:49.800 --> 00:15:52.880
so he went from anxious to an avoidant.

326
00:15:52.880 --> 00:15:54.160
So now he's using it.

327
00:15:54.160 --> 00:15:56.280
Guys, it doesn't matter.

328
00:15:56.320 --> 00:15:59.080
Life is going to happen to you as a single

329
00:15:59.080 --> 00:16:00.160
and as a married person.

330
00:16:00.160 --> 00:16:01.520
If your kid's going to get sick, they're

331
00:16:01.520 --> 00:16:03.600
going to get sick as a single or a married person.

332
00:16:03.600 --> 00:16:06.280
You're always going to have something going on in your life.

333
00:16:06.280 --> 00:16:08.880
It shouldn't stop you from making commitment to someone

334
00:16:08.880 --> 00:16:09.840
that you love.

335
00:16:09.840 --> 00:16:11.080
And hopefully, it's not going to stop them

336
00:16:11.080 --> 00:16:12.600
from making a commitment to you, because we're

337
00:16:12.600 --> 00:16:13.600
in it to win it together.

338
00:16:13.600 --> 00:16:14.560
That's the way.

339
00:16:14.560 --> 00:16:17.400
And you didn't get to hear Lori if you weren't here last time,

340
00:16:17.400 --> 00:16:18.880
but she said, you know, originally

341
00:16:18.880 --> 00:16:21.240
when his son got sick, she knows his son.

342
00:16:21.240 --> 00:16:23.000
She's been spending time with his son, too.

343
00:16:23.000 --> 00:16:24.720
She's like, yeah, I want to help you guys.

344
00:16:24.720 --> 00:16:27.320
I want to be there for him, just like you're there for him.

345
00:16:27.320 --> 00:16:30.960
Like, she was willing to partner even in circumstances

346
00:16:30.960 --> 00:16:32.240
that are not ideal.

347
00:16:32.240 --> 00:16:35.440
So fast forward to this second meetup

348
00:16:35.440 --> 00:16:38.360
where she had already broken things off,

349
00:16:38.360 --> 00:16:41.040
and he's like, well, please come.

350
00:16:41.040 --> 00:16:42.200
We already have this plan.

351
00:16:42.200 --> 00:16:43.760
You know, come, come, come.

352
00:16:43.760 --> 00:16:45.240
Now watch.

353
00:16:45.240 --> 00:16:46.480
She goes.

354
00:16:46.480 --> 00:16:48.080
They have so much fun.

355
00:16:48.080 --> 00:16:50.320
He, you know, winds her and dines her,

356
00:16:50.320 --> 00:16:52.920
takes her out for romantic things.

357
00:16:52.920 --> 00:16:56.760
And when does he say, but nothing's changed?

358
00:16:56.760 --> 00:16:59.600
Right before she's about to leave, right?

359
00:16:59.600 --> 00:17:01.440
He doesn't say it at the beginning.

360
00:17:01.440 --> 00:17:03.000
They don't have a serious conversation

361
00:17:03.000 --> 00:17:04.079
when she gets there.

362
00:17:04.079 --> 00:17:06.079
They just have fun, right?

363
00:17:06.079 --> 00:17:07.680
He just gets to enjoy what?

364
00:17:07.680 --> 00:17:10.200
Her company, her presence, her companionship

365
00:17:10.200 --> 00:17:11.680
without making a commitment.

366
00:17:11.680 --> 00:17:15.400
Guys, these are what situationships are made of.

367
00:17:15.400 --> 00:17:16.440
They want to be with you.

368
00:17:16.440 --> 00:17:18.000
It's not like they don't like you.

369
00:17:18.000 --> 00:17:20.040
They just don't want to make a commitment.

370
00:17:20.040 --> 00:17:21.440
They want to enjoy your presence.

371
00:17:21.440 --> 00:17:24.880
They want to enjoy, you know, your, you know,

372
00:17:24.880 --> 00:17:26.319
if you have a physical relationship,

373
00:17:26.319 --> 00:17:28.880
they want to enjoy that physical touch

374
00:17:28.880 --> 00:17:31.160
and the romance of the thing.

375
00:17:31.160 --> 00:17:32.720
And they want to feel like they have someone

376
00:17:32.720 --> 00:17:34.280
in their life that really cares for them,

377
00:17:34.280 --> 00:17:36.400
but they don't want to take it to the next level

378
00:17:36.400 --> 00:17:37.360
for whatever reason.

379
00:17:37.360 --> 00:17:39.000
It doesn't matter why it is.

380
00:17:39.000 --> 00:17:40.360
They're stuck on the inside

381
00:17:40.360 --> 00:17:42.000
and that makes them stuck on the outside.

382
00:17:42.000 --> 00:17:45.840
But you notice he waited till the end to tell her this.

383
00:17:45.840 --> 00:17:48.000
And then when she says, okay, great.

384
00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:49.120
Well, I'm going to move on with my life.

385
00:17:49.120 --> 00:17:50.840
He's like, no, no, no, no, no.

386
00:17:50.880 --> 00:17:52.200
Because why?

387
00:17:52.200 --> 00:17:56.120
She's giving him exactly what he wants,

388
00:17:56.120 --> 00:17:58.120
but he's not giving her what she wants.

389
00:17:58.120 --> 00:18:00.320
He would love for it to stay this way

390
00:18:00.320 --> 00:18:01.920
where she comes up once a month

391
00:18:01.920 --> 00:18:05.600
and they have this romantic situation and they hang out

392
00:18:05.600 --> 00:18:09.120
and he gets his fill of having a woman in his life,

393
00:18:09.120 --> 00:18:10.440
but she needs more than that.

394
00:18:10.440 --> 00:18:13.640
Okay, so tell us what you said when he said, no.

395
00:18:14.920 --> 00:18:17.160
I said, okay, I'm changing my plane ticket

396
00:18:17.160 --> 00:18:18.240
because it was two days early

397
00:18:18.240 --> 00:18:20.320
before I was supposed to leave.

398
00:18:20.320 --> 00:18:21.720
I'm here.

399
00:18:21.720 --> 00:18:22.560
And I said-

400
00:18:22.560 --> 00:18:25.000
Wait, didn't you do that last time too?

401
00:18:25.000 --> 00:18:26.680
No, last time he was down here.

402
00:18:27.680 --> 00:18:28.520
Okay.

403
00:18:28.520 --> 00:18:30.480
So you changed your plane ticket?

404
00:18:30.480 --> 00:18:32.600
Yeah, and then I just,

405
00:18:32.600 --> 00:18:34.360
because I kept trying to tell him,

406
00:18:34.360 --> 00:18:37.680
I didn't say I'm dumping you in October.

407
00:18:37.680 --> 00:18:40.560
I said, I want to talk to you and give you that space.

408
00:18:40.560 --> 00:18:42.880
I have things in my own life to take care of.

409
00:18:42.880 --> 00:18:43.720
Loki.

410
00:18:45.240 --> 00:18:46.280
But he would never hear that.

411
00:18:46.280 --> 00:18:47.160
It was like gaslighting.

412
00:18:47.160 --> 00:18:48.960
All he heard was he was getting dumped

413
00:18:48.960 --> 00:18:50.920
and then he just totally dumped me.

414
00:18:50.920 --> 00:18:53.160
And so I just made my plan.

415
00:18:53.160 --> 00:18:54.240
I called an Uber.

416
00:18:54.240 --> 00:18:55.080
He said, I'll drive you.

417
00:18:55.080 --> 00:18:56.480
I said, no, I don't want to ride with you.

418
00:18:56.480 --> 00:19:00.240
And I went and left and got, went out to the door.

419
00:19:00.240 --> 00:19:01.200
He's crying.

420
00:19:01.200 --> 00:19:02.440
I gave him a hug.

421
00:19:02.440 --> 00:19:03.280
We don't have-

422
00:19:03.280 --> 00:19:04.720
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

423
00:19:04.720 --> 00:19:05.840
Let me ask you a question.

424
00:19:05.840 --> 00:19:07.840
This is really important.

425
00:19:07.840 --> 00:19:08.720
Okay.

426
00:19:08.720 --> 00:19:11.960
Now you are setting a boundary.

427
00:19:11.960 --> 00:19:12.800
Okay.

428
00:19:13.720 --> 00:19:16.200
He was telling you, I'm not saying no,

429
00:19:16.200 --> 00:19:18.120
but I'm not, I'm saying not yet.

430
00:19:18.120 --> 00:19:18.960
Okay.

431
00:19:18.960 --> 00:19:20.240
I'm not ready for anything more.

432
00:19:20.240 --> 00:19:21.240
I got this other stuff going.

433
00:19:21.240 --> 00:19:24.720
I want you in my life, but I don't want you in my life.

434
00:19:24.720 --> 00:19:27.400
And you're saying back to him, you know,

435
00:19:27.400 --> 00:19:29.240
how long have you guys been dating again?

436
00:19:29.240 --> 00:19:30.600
16 months.

437
00:19:30.600 --> 00:19:31.440
Year and a half.

438
00:19:31.440 --> 00:19:32.280
16 months y'all.

439
00:19:32.280 --> 00:19:33.120
Okay.

440
00:19:33.120 --> 00:19:35.040
So she, she's saying, no, you know,

441
00:19:35.040 --> 00:19:36.960
if you're not ready now,

442
00:19:36.960 --> 00:19:38.720
I don't really think you're going to be ready.

443
00:19:38.720 --> 00:19:40.760
And I need to move on with my life.

444
00:19:40.760 --> 00:19:42.320
You know, I have all this stuff coming up,

445
00:19:42.320 --> 00:19:44.760
my hip replacement, all the things, blah, blah, blah, blah.

446
00:19:44.760 --> 00:19:45.600
Okay.

447
00:19:45.600 --> 00:19:48.440
So here's where I want you to see something, Lori.

448
00:19:48.440 --> 00:19:50.800
You were setting a boundary and that was good.

449
00:19:50.800 --> 00:19:52.280
Guys, boundaries are about identity.

450
00:19:52.280 --> 00:19:54.520
Lori was saying, this is not who I am.

451
00:19:54.520 --> 00:19:56.560
This is not what I want.

452
00:19:56.560 --> 00:19:58.160
And I'm not going to settle for it.

453
00:19:58.160 --> 00:19:59.000
Yeah.

454
00:19:59.000 --> 00:19:59.840
Okay.

455
00:19:59.840 --> 00:20:00.680
I'm not, I'm not.

456
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:02.620
and you're a bad person. I'm just saying I want something different than you.

457
00:20:02.620 --> 00:20:07.060
And so I'm going to go ahead and remove myself from the situation because you

458
00:20:07.060 --> 00:20:10.220
don't want the same thing that I want. But then what did she do?

459
00:20:10.700 --> 00:20:13.100
Well, instead of holding the boundary,

460
00:20:13.660 --> 00:20:16.140
unless something crazy happened, instead of holding the boundary,

461
00:20:16.220 --> 00:20:19.580
you birthed the bridge. You like torched it.

462
00:20:20.620 --> 00:20:22.100
I want to ask you a really honest question.

463
00:20:22.100 --> 00:20:25.580
Did you do that to keep yourself from ever coming back here?

464
00:20:25.580 --> 00:20:29.660
Because you don't feel like you can stop the back and forth with someone who's

465
00:20:29.660 --> 00:20:30.840
emotionally manipulative.

466
00:20:31.280 --> 00:20:36.040
That's my unhealed part of my love hard work is that my MO is

467
00:20:36.040 --> 00:20:40.600
like, F you, see ya. You know what I mean? You don't want this. I loved you.

468
00:20:40.600 --> 00:20:42.800
I did this, whatever. I'm not going to,

469
00:20:42.840 --> 00:20:47.200
but I used to beg and cry and plead and call and text and make excuses and

470
00:20:47.200 --> 00:20:51.320
nothing. And so I just said, no. And he, I reminded him,

471
00:20:51.320 --> 00:20:53.760
I am a daughter of the King. And just so you know,

472
00:20:53.780 --> 00:20:57.960
I'm not a long-term girlfriend. I'm a wife. And when we started dating,

473
00:20:57.980 --> 00:21:02.880
we were both marriage minded and it's a year and a half and you've changed

474
00:21:02.880 --> 00:21:07.620
that. And I'm that I'm not looking to be your travel companion. You know,

475
00:21:07.620 --> 00:21:10.100
you have got your house with your son, your beautiful pool,

476
00:21:10.100 --> 00:21:13.340
your lovely life up here, your book, couples, Bible studies. I go,

477
00:21:13.340 --> 00:21:15.060
I go home and it's just me and my dog.

478
00:21:15.060 --> 00:21:17.300
Cause my son and his wife have moved away from California.

479
00:21:17.300 --> 00:21:21.860
Now I'm not happy here and I'm not going to live this life and I'm leaving.

480
00:21:22.420 --> 00:21:25.200
But it, but also I felt like it was kind of an F you,

481
00:21:25.200 --> 00:21:27.700
which probably isn't appropriate to say, but that's what I felt like saying.

482
00:21:27.700 --> 00:21:30.960
Usually I would go on and do something bad, like go drink or something.

483
00:21:31.200 --> 00:21:32.920
I don't do that kind of stuff anymore.

484
00:21:36.640 --> 00:21:38.960
I just want to tell everybody, you know what,

485
00:21:38.980 --> 00:21:42.920
you can set a boundary and you know,

486
00:21:42.940 --> 00:21:47.920
leave with your head held high without burning a bridge.

487
00:21:48.040 --> 00:21:50.080
Yeah. I don't know how to do that.

488
00:21:50.360 --> 00:21:54.240
I know you don't, but I want to teach you how to do that. So after you guys,

489
00:21:54.240 --> 00:21:57.280
it's like, you're no means no. So after you say, Hey, okay,

490
00:21:57.420 --> 00:22:01.580
you have free will. You're telling me what it is that you have capacity for.

491
00:22:01.740 --> 00:22:05.900
I'm telling you what it is. I have capacity for those things don't match.

492
00:22:05.940 --> 00:22:08.620
And so guess what? We have to part ways now.

493
00:22:09.460 --> 00:22:12.820
And I had to get out of there because I felt like I was doing a lot of crying.

494
00:22:12.820 --> 00:22:16.140
So it was he, but I felt like I was going to start begging, groveling,

495
00:22:16.140 --> 00:22:20.260
like whatever. And then it was so weird. Cause then he, as he goes,

496
00:22:20.260 --> 00:22:24.180
but what about our romantic dinner tonight? I'm like, what romantic dinner?

497
00:22:24.960 --> 00:22:28.520
There's no romance. And we aren't having sex, which I don't, especially,

498
00:22:28.560 --> 00:22:30.640
I'm going to just be honest because this is a Christian thing.

499
00:22:31.000 --> 00:22:33.160
I wasn't always a Christian. I don't love that.

500
00:22:33.180 --> 00:22:36.280
I loved that we were doing things exactly right at first.

501
00:22:36.300 --> 00:22:38.440
And I feel like I really missed that intimacy,

502
00:22:38.440 --> 00:22:42.160
that closeness in our relationship. And now that's been since the last October.

503
00:22:42.400 --> 00:22:43.840
And he honored me with that.

504
00:22:43.860 --> 00:22:47.040
And he prays before we're like physically around each other and stuff, you know?

505
00:22:47.280 --> 00:22:50.520
So it's so controlled, but like, some of it is just like,

506
00:22:50.520 --> 00:22:53.160
I just want some of that back. Not the full stuff,

507
00:22:53.340 --> 00:22:55.740
but of course you do. You guys, I want you,

508
00:22:56.620 --> 00:23:00.980
I want you to raise your hand. If you don't,

509
00:23:01.060 --> 00:23:04.740
if you've already had sex, maybe you had bad sex. So that's a bad question.

510
00:23:05.420 --> 00:23:07.620
Cause some people are like, I don't miss sex cause it was bad,

511
00:23:07.620 --> 00:23:12.220
but raise your hand. If you really want to have physical intimacy,

512
00:23:12.220 --> 00:23:14.300
like you're looking forward to it. You really,

513
00:23:14.300 --> 00:23:18.340
you either miss it because you used to have something that was pretty good.

514
00:23:18.340 --> 00:23:21.100
Or I mean, so, okay. So you see all the hands, right?

515
00:23:21.100 --> 00:23:25.440
So you don't need to apologize for being physically intimate because everybody

516
00:23:25.440 --> 00:23:27.440
wants that. We've been hardwired for that.

517
00:23:27.680 --> 00:23:29.520
And if you're not raising your hand then,

518
00:23:29.520 --> 00:23:32.080
and it's because there's some kind of fear around that,

519
00:23:32.360 --> 00:23:34.560
then we can work with you on that. Okay.

520
00:23:34.640 --> 00:23:38.080
Well, I just feel bad because, you know, so then I came home and decided,

521
00:23:38.080 --> 00:23:39.880
you know, so he's sending me these nice texts.

522
00:23:39.880 --> 00:23:41.680
Let me know when you get home safely, blah, blah, blah.

523
00:23:41.680 --> 00:23:45.800
I send him polite texts back and then we just stopped. And then, um,

524
00:23:45.920 --> 00:23:48.520
he had his funeral and all this, my trainer is a Christian,

525
00:23:48.540 --> 00:23:51.660
and he had been praying for me. And he goes, you know, I, I've been,

526
00:23:52.020 --> 00:23:55.340
I feel like God's telling me to let you know that I think you should just wish

527
00:23:55.340 --> 00:23:58.980
him, send him a little bouquet for the funeral weekend,

528
00:23:58.980 --> 00:24:01.620
praying for you and Jake, um, wishing you well,

529
00:24:01.620 --> 00:24:03.660
hope Jake is getting better, Lori. So I did.

530
00:24:03.980 --> 00:24:07.660
Wait, wait, you did this after like, you didn't,

531
00:24:07.660 --> 00:24:10.660
you didn't give him the finger, but you got, you, you cut it short.

532
00:24:12.460 --> 00:24:14.340
You wouldn't even let him drive you to the airport,

533
00:24:14.540 --> 00:24:18.140
but then you sent bouquets for a funeral. No, honey. No, no.

534
00:24:18.540 --> 00:24:21.660
Okay. Okay. So I did. Can you, let me ask you a question.

535
00:24:22.660 --> 00:24:25.660
Can you go no contact with this man?

536
00:24:26.140 --> 00:24:28.700
Well, that's what my question is now, because then he said,

537
00:24:28.700 --> 00:24:31.420
can I call you when the kids leave? Cause all of us kids are there.

538
00:24:31.820 --> 00:24:36.420
So he called me and has been crying and is empty inside.

539
00:24:36.420 --> 00:24:40.660
Like I've been, and we had tickets to a concert up in Napa.

540
00:24:40.700 --> 00:24:41.940
And so I'm supposed to,

541
00:24:42.020 --> 00:24:45.980
so he bought me a ticket to come up there this weekend to talk and finish things,

542
00:24:46.160 --> 00:24:50.680
talk about it. Cause he, let me, let me tell you guys that he was really sorry.

543
00:24:50.960 --> 00:24:55.240
First of all, both of y'all have disorganized attachment. Okay.

544
00:24:55.360 --> 00:24:59.000
I'm sorry. I don't want to know what disorganized. It's okay. It's okay.

545
00:24:59.000 --> 00:25:00.000
But listen, listen.

546
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.280
If you guys ever want to know what disorganized attachment looks like, it looks like this,

547
00:25:04.280 --> 00:25:05.280
okay?

548
00:25:05.280 --> 00:25:07.460
Looks like push and pull, and push and pull, and brrrr.

549
00:25:07.460 --> 00:25:09.900
Okay, a little rollercoaster ride.

550
00:25:09.900 --> 00:25:13.540
And both of them have disorganized attachment which makes it really hard.

551
00:25:13.540 --> 00:25:17.260
You know, Lori probably thinks she has anxious attachment but she doesn't have anxious attachment.

552
00:25:17.260 --> 00:25:22.260
She has disorganized attachment because her attachments are chaotic, okay?

553
00:25:22.260 --> 00:25:26.860
And a lot of them, as she's already told us, you know, they end with her, like either saying

554
00:25:26.860 --> 00:25:29.840
F off or, you know, going and drinking or this or that.

555
00:25:29.840 --> 00:25:34.480
And this, she's grown so that's good because disorganized attachment comes from childhood.

556
00:25:34.480 --> 00:25:37.920
All attachment styles are rooted in childhood trauma, okay?

557
00:25:37.920 --> 00:25:42.080
Rooted in childhood neglect, rooted in things that we're missing and deficits that we have.

558
00:25:42.080 --> 00:25:45.000
So there is no shame in our attachment styles.

559
00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:46.000
All of us, okay?

560
00:25:46.000 --> 00:25:48.040
I used to be a disorganized attacher as well.

561
00:25:48.040 --> 00:25:53.040
But let me just tell you, this is what's really important, is that when you are a disorganized

562
00:25:53.040 --> 00:25:58.640
attacher and you are also happen to be dating another disorganized attacher, it will never

563
00:25:58.640 --> 00:26:02.320
be, let's talk one more time.

564
00:26:02.320 --> 00:26:03.320
It won't be.

565
00:26:03.320 --> 00:26:08.200
Because that will turn into some sort of romantic situation that might end with another fight

566
00:26:08.200 --> 00:26:11.560
or it might be romantic and we're back on for a little while and then it'll turn into

567
00:26:11.560 --> 00:26:13.000
chaos again.

568
00:26:13.000 --> 00:26:14.000
And that's what's going to happen.

569
00:26:14.000 --> 00:26:17.000
You guys, it's never like, well, we need closure.

570
00:26:17.000 --> 00:26:18.120
Forgiveness is what closure is.

571
00:26:18.120 --> 00:26:23.120
If you really want closure with someone, forgive them for what they couldn't give you and forgive

572
00:26:23.120 --> 00:26:25.840
them for what they did or didn't do for you.

573
00:26:25.840 --> 00:26:26.840
Let them go.

574
00:26:26.840 --> 00:26:27.840
Release them.

575
00:26:27.840 --> 00:26:30.880
Start doing a little bit of soul tie work because there's definitely a soul tie here,

576
00:26:30.880 --> 00:26:33.840
an emotional one, maybe a physical one.

577
00:26:33.840 --> 00:26:36.560
And um, and then we just got to let them go.

578
00:26:36.560 --> 00:26:39.560
This is not going to get better, Lori.

579
00:26:39.560 --> 00:26:45.520
It's not going to want to like ask me for forgiveness and want to get married or something.

580
00:26:45.520 --> 00:26:47.880
No, no, that's not going to happen.

581
00:26:47.880 --> 00:26:48.880
Okay.

582
00:26:48.880 --> 00:26:53.280
What's going to happen is, is you guys are going to have another really great time, okay?

583
00:26:53.280 --> 00:26:56.960
Until this gets brought up and then the same thing is going to happen again.

584
00:26:56.960 --> 00:26:57.960
Well, this is it.

585
00:26:57.960 --> 00:27:02.320
I know that I did bring it up, but, but I guess it's has been, um, um, maybe this is

586
00:27:02.320 --> 00:27:06.160
a failure that I'm going to do this, but I wanted to get your thoughts.

587
00:27:06.160 --> 00:27:08.800
So I appreciate you saying that because I really thought maybe that's what was going

588
00:27:08.800 --> 00:27:12.920
to happen and that maybe he would have not seen how he overreacted.

589
00:27:12.920 --> 00:27:14.600
But in the meantime, I took steps for my new life.

590
00:27:14.600 --> 00:27:15.600
I'm working out with my trainer.

591
00:27:15.600 --> 00:27:16.960
I got a raise at work.

592
00:27:16.960 --> 00:27:21.800
Um, I'm going, uh, I went and looked at houses in South Carolina with my best friend who's

593
00:27:21.800 --> 00:27:25.720
building a house there and got approved for a home.

594
00:27:25.720 --> 00:27:30.560
And so I'm going to give it through this weekend and then I'm going to tell them to start building

595
00:27:30.560 --> 00:27:34.800
on that week after I'm going to go, why are you giving it through this weekend?

596
00:27:34.800 --> 00:27:36.360
Because this is when I'll see him.

597
00:27:36.360 --> 00:27:39.920
Oh, you, you already said yes to seeing him again.

598
00:27:39.920 --> 00:27:40.920
Yeah.

599
00:27:40.920 --> 00:27:45.280
That's why I was nervous and I didn't know where, what to, how, what to, how to handle

600
00:27:45.280 --> 00:27:51.760
this all of a sudden, listen, even if he begs you for, for forgiveness and says, you know,

601
00:27:52.720 --> 00:27:53.720
Oh, I've come to my senses.

602
00:27:53.720 --> 00:27:54.720
I want to marry you now.

603
00:27:54.720 --> 00:27:55.720
You're going to be right back here again.

604
00:27:55.720 --> 00:27:56.720
Real soon.

605
00:27:56.720 --> 00:27:57.720
Okay.

606
00:27:57.720 --> 00:27:58.720
Okay.

607
00:27:58.720 --> 00:28:01.960
This man does not have, does not have to, it has nothing to do with his son.

608
00:28:01.960 --> 00:28:03.520
His son is a convenient excuse.

609
00:28:03.520 --> 00:28:06.760
Unfortunately the kid is really sick, but that is not the reason.

610
00:28:06.760 --> 00:28:11.240
The reason is, is that this man does not want to be married.

611
00:28:11.240 --> 00:28:14.440
He doesn't want to be married.

612
00:28:14.440 --> 00:28:16.920
He's not healed from whatever was the last thing that happened to him.

613
00:28:16.920 --> 00:28:18.680
He likes the companionship.

614
00:28:18.680 --> 00:28:20.080
He likes the romance.

615
00:28:20.080 --> 00:28:21.080
He likes the fun.

616
00:28:21.400 --> 00:28:24.440
Unfortunately, if you guys continue in this trajectory, you're going to end up having

617
00:28:24.440 --> 00:28:25.440
sex again.

618
00:28:25.440 --> 00:28:26.440
That's what's going to happen.

619
00:28:26.440 --> 00:28:27.440
Okay.

620
00:28:27.440 --> 00:28:31.360
It's just inevitable if you end up like this, but I'm telling you, he would be happy to

621
00:28:31.360 --> 00:28:37.840
stay in this type of relationship with you for as long as you're allowing it, especially

622
00:28:37.840 --> 00:28:42.160
since he's going to end up eventually getting the sexual aspect because that's going to

623
00:28:42.160 --> 00:28:44.720
happen a thousand percent.

624
00:28:44.720 --> 00:28:45.720
Okay.

625
00:28:45.720 --> 00:28:47.120
And so you deserve better than that.

626
00:28:47.120 --> 00:28:50.720
You deserve someone who's going to love you and you're like, well, I'm going to, I'm working

627
00:28:51.360 --> 00:28:52.360
out my track.

628
00:28:52.360 --> 00:28:57.880
First of all, I want to nip in the bud any type of lies that you believe that this is

629
00:28:57.880 --> 00:29:00.400
happening because you're not enough.

630
00:29:00.400 --> 00:29:02.760
This has nothing to do with you.

631
00:29:02.760 --> 00:29:04.360
Not anything.

632
00:29:04.360 --> 00:29:06.980
It's not because you're not younger or fitter.

633
00:29:06.980 --> 00:29:10.000
It's not because you're not more submissive.

634
00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:11.400
It doesn't have anything to do with you.

635
00:29:11.400 --> 00:29:14.320
This man was not going to commit.

636
00:29:14.320 --> 00:29:19.760
He likes to paint a fairy tale because he likes what it feels like to dream and future

637
00:29:19.760 --> 00:29:24.120
fake too, but he does not have what it takes to walk it out.

638
00:29:24.120 --> 00:29:25.120
He just doesn't.

639
00:29:25.120 --> 00:29:27.880
He needs a lot of healing, a lot of healing.

640
00:29:27.880 --> 00:29:30.240
And I don't know if you've noticed or not, I don't know if all of you have noticed in

641
00:29:30.240 --> 00:29:34.960
this story, but I sense a lot of emotional manipulation coming from this dude.

642
00:29:34.960 --> 00:29:35.960
So he may be nice.

643
00:29:35.960 --> 00:29:36.960
He may treat you good.

644
00:29:36.960 --> 00:29:41.220
He may not raise his voice that you may not be verbally violent, but he is, he is manipulative.

645
00:29:41.220 --> 00:29:44.960
His crying and all that, get the hell out of here.

646
00:29:44.960 --> 00:29:45.960
Okay.

647
00:29:45.960 --> 00:29:49.760
So you've got to cut it off because you're addicted to this.

648
00:29:49.760 --> 00:29:58.000
So even if he promises you that he's going to marry you, you're going to come right back

649
00:29:58.000 --> 00:29:59.000
here.

650
00:29:59.000 --> 00:29:59.000


651
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:05.360
It's pretty sick because like, I feel like nobody's ever been this nice to me.

652
00:30:05.360 --> 00:30:07.800
And that's why you're addicted to it.

653
00:30:07.800 --> 00:30:08.800
You're addicted to it.

654
00:30:08.800 --> 00:30:09.800
And this isn't even really nice, is it?

655
00:30:09.800 --> 00:30:11.400
Is that what you're saying?

656
00:30:11.400 --> 00:30:17.760
What good is nice if it's, if it's not real, like not his niceness, but it's, it's not

657
00:30:17.760 --> 00:30:18.760
going anywhere.

658
00:30:18.760 --> 00:30:19.760
Yeah.

659
00:30:19.760 --> 00:30:20.760
Okay.

660
00:30:20.760 --> 00:30:22.320
It's not going anywhere.

661
00:30:22.320 --> 00:30:24.560
And so, yeah, it's possible.

662
00:30:24.560 --> 00:30:26.760
We want to prepare you for all possibilities.

663
00:30:26.760 --> 00:30:30.280
It's possible that this man's going to be like, Oh no, I'm losing her.

664
00:30:30.280 --> 00:30:31.920
So I'm going to tell her what she wants.

665
00:30:31.920 --> 00:30:33.880
I'm going to tell her, I'm going to give her what she wants.

666
00:30:33.880 --> 00:30:34.880
Okay.

667
00:30:34.880 --> 00:30:40.120
And he may even go a little bit down that road with you again to kind of like keep you,

668
00:30:40.120 --> 00:30:44.360
you know, from fully executing these other ideas that you have.

669
00:30:44.360 --> 00:30:50.000
I think in my spirit that a change of scenery and a move would be really great for you.

670
00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:51.000
Okay.

671
00:30:51.000 --> 00:30:52.000
I do.

672
00:30:52.000 --> 00:30:56.120
And if you have family and that's where your kids are, they're super excited about me moving

673
00:30:56.480 --> 00:30:57.480
there.

674
00:30:57.480 --> 00:30:58.480
They're not there.

675
00:30:58.480 --> 00:30:59.480
They love him though.

676
00:30:59.480 --> 00:31:04.320
They wanted me to see him this weekend and decide, but they they want me to go and move

677
00:31:04.320 --> 00:31:07.320
and, and you know, I can't retire here in California.

678
00:31:07.320 --> 00:31:11.640
It's too expensive, but I can go and retire and have a great life in Southern California.

679
00:31:11.640 --> 00:31:14.720
And there's like resort style pool in this neighborhood with people.

680
00:31:14.720 --> 00:31:17.520
You mean South Carolina, not Southern California.

681
00:31:17.520 --> 00:31:18.520
Southern Carolina.

682
00:31:18.520 --> 00:31:19.520
Yeah.

683
00:31:19.520 --> 00:31:24.160
With a community around me, instead of just living in a house by myself with my doggie,

684
00:31:24.160 --> 00:31:25.160
you know?

685
00:31:25.200 --> 00:31:26.200
Absolutely.

686
00:31:26.200 --> 00:31:27.200
Yeah.

687
00:31:27.200 --> 00:31:28.200
So that's what I'm excited about.

688
00:31:28.200 --> 00:31:29.720
And then I couldn't believe I got approved.

689
00:31:29.720 --> 00:31:35.560
So I feel God defended as I left in the Uber, I just broke down and was crying.

690
00:31:35.560 --> 00:31:39.480
And the guy goes, I don't want to scare you, but can I stop for water and a Kleenex?

691
00:31:39.480 --> 00:31:40.480
And I said, sure.

692
00:31:40.480 --> 00:31:44.240
And he comes back with two holy bread loves that had Christian writing.

693
00:31:44.240 --> 00:31:48.320
He said, I'm a Coptic Christian and we do communion on Sunday and we make special loves

694
00:31:48.320 --> 00:31:50.080
to give to people.

695
00:31:50.080 --> 00:31:52.680
And God just kept bringing me further and further away.

696
00:31:52.680 --> 00:31:54.200
And you keep saying the same thing.

697
00:31:54.240 --> 00:31:56.280
So I guess that's what it is.

698
00:31:56.280 --> 00:32:00.080
Look, it's my job to help you get married.

699
00:32:00.080 --> 00:32:05.880
And so if I'm telling you to run, then you need to listen to me because I am, I'd be

700
00:32:05.880 --> 00:32:06.880
the first one.

701
00:32:06.880 --> 00:32:07.880
Okay, well let's give it a chance.

702
00:32:07.880 --> 00:32:08.880
Let's see.

703
00:32:08.880 --> 00:32:11.880
That's what I thought you were going to say.

704
00:32:11.880 --> 00:32:12.880
No, honey.

705
00:32:12.880 --> 00:32:19.120
No, this man, this man is, you know, at best, at best he's just manipulative and doesn't

706
00:32:19.120 --> 00:32:21.080
understand how I'm healthy about what is.

707
00:32:21.080 --> 00:32:26.680
And at worst, you know, he is, you know, a serial manipulator.

708
00:32:26.680 --> 00:32:32.600
So he is being manipulative, whether he recognizes it or realizes it or not, but he doesn't have

709
00:32:32.600 --> 00:32:34.520
to give you what it is that you're looking for.

710
00:32:34.520 --> 00:32:39.280
And honestly, I think that that's God's divine protection on you because if he was willing

711
00:32:39.280 --> 00:32:44.320
to go all the way through with this, I don't think that you would be happy because that

712
00:32:44.320 --> 00:32:46.760
this man has a lot of work to do.

713
00:32:46.760 --> 00:32:47.760
Okay.

714
00:32:47.760 --> 00:32:48.760
Okay.

715
00:32:48.760 --> 00:32:49.760
All right.

716
00:32:49.760 --> 00:32:50.760
Thank you.

717
00:32:51.440 --> 00:32:53.360
Kim's like, please listen to Jackie.

718
00:32:53.360 --> 00:32:56.640
Kim knows because Kim didn't listen to Jackie.

719
00:32:56.640 --> 00:32:57.640
I love you, Kim.

720
00:32:57.640 --> 00:33:00.480
But you did eventually, you did eventually.

721
00:33:00.480 --> 00:33:01.480
And it's good.

722
00:33:01.480 --> 00:33:02.480
She said, I sure did.

723
00:33:02.480 --> 00:33:03.480
Okay.

724
00:33:03.480 --> 00:33:06.840
Um, listen, we want you to be happy.

725
00:33:06.840 --> 00:33:10.280
And you know, if you want to go have a last hurrah with him, just be prepared for the

726
00:33:10.280 --> 00:33:15.040
idea that, you know, you're going to fall victim to all the things that you really love

727
00:33:15.040 --> 00:33:16.080
about this.

728
00:33:16.080 --> 00:33:18.800
And it's just still gonna, you know, waste more of your time.

729
00:33:18.800 --> 00:33:19.800
You're going to end up back here.

730
00:33:19.840 --> 00:33:20.840
Okay.

731
00:33:20.840 --> 00:33:23.840
So back, back here with, Oh, okay.

732
00:33:23.840 --> 00:33:24.840
All right.

733
00:33:24.840 --> 00:33:31.480
And let's, you guys, honestly, in your discerner, this part of her God defense system is this

734
00:33:31.480 --> 00:33:32.480
community.

735
00:33:32.480 --> 00:33:33.480
Raise your hand.

736
00:33:33.480 --> 00:33:35.360
If you think she should move on.

737
00:33:35.360 --> 00:33:38.560
Don't just because you want to agree with me, raise your hand.

738
00:33:38.560 --> 00:33:41.040
If you think that she should move on.

739
00:33:41.040 --> 00:33:48.600
If you don't think it really, I think that it's, I think it's about to be unanimous.

740
00:33:48.600 --> 00:34:06.600
People are still putting their hands up for 77 people so far out of 109, 78, 81, 82, 82

741
00:34:06.600 --> 00:34:07.600
people out of 109.

742
00:34:07.600 --> 00:34:10.600
So that is definitely the majority, right?

743
00:34:10.600 --> 00:34:12.600
Someone's dog is barking.

744
00:34:12.600 --> 00:34:13.600
Okay.

745
00:34:13.600 --> 00:34:14.600
Is that your dog?

746
00:34:14.600 --> 00:34:15.600
Yeah.

747
00:34:15.600 --> 00:34:16.600
That's my baby.

748
00:34:17.600 --> 00:34:23.080
He cries with me next to a meeting like when I'm crying, you have a lot of love to give

749
00:34:23.080 --> 00:34:25.199
and God wants you to be able to give it to someone.

750
00:34:25.199 --> 00:34:30.679
So once again, what I was saying is that, you know, doing all this stuff for yourself,

751
00:34:30.679 --> 00:34:31.679
that's great.

752
00:34:31.679 --> 00:34:32.679
Getting your hip replaced.

753
00:34:32.679 --> 00:34:34.480
If you need that, all those things, that's wonderful.

754
00:34:34.480 --> 00:34:36.560
It's time for you to really love you.

755
00:34:36.560 --> 00:34:37.560
Okay.

756
00:34:37.560 --> 00:34:42.960
Because God is going to give you someone who loves you as well.

757
00:34:42.960 --> 00:34:46.159
And this is not happening because you're not enough.

758
00:34:46.719 --> 00:34:47.719
That's not why this is happening at all.

759
00:34:47.719 --> 00:34:48.719
Well, thank you so much.

760
00:34:48.719 --> 00:34:53.040
I appreciate your honesty and everybody in here.

761
00:34:53.040 --> 00:34:56.360
I feel like this, I feel like this man, I feel like this, this relationship with this

762
00:34:56.360 --> 00:34:58.080
man is going to break you out of the pattern.

763
00:34:58.080 --> 00:35:00.000
I feel like you have, I feel like this is not.

764
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:01.720
as toxic as your normal patterns.

765
00:35:01.720 --> 00:35:04.920
I feel like the other is up showing their ugliness as well.

766
00:35:05.200 --> 00:35:07.840
I feel like they start out sweet, but then they show their true colors.

767
00:35:07.960 --> 00:35:11.120
And that's what's throwing you off because he's not cussing you out.

768
00:35:11.120 --> 00:35:12.680
He's not acting crazy.

769
00:35:12.800 --> 00:35:14.040
That's what's throwing you off.

770
00:35:14.240 --> 00:35:17.440
But you guys, I want you to know that passiveness can be just as

771
00:35:17.440 --> 00:35:20.680
toxic as aggressiveness.

772
00:35:21.600 --> 00:35:23.440
This man is toxically passive.

773
00:35:23.960 --> 00:35:26.840
He is not going to, he doesn't want anything better for his life.

774
00:35:26.840 --> 00:35:29.080
He's not going to pull the lever.

775
00:35:29.080 --> 00:35:30.640
He's not going to do that stuff.

776
00:35:30.920 --> 00:35:33.200
And so there's, you know, there's manipulation.

777
00:35:33.200 --> 00:35:36.280
And that toxic passivity is just as much in toxic aggression.

778
00:35:36.280 --> 00:35:36.760
Okay.

779
00:35:37.080 --> 00:35:37.440
All right.

780
00:35:37.440 --> 00:35:38.320
We're rooting for you, Lori.

781
00:35:38.320 --> 00:35:43.440
Lori, please keep us posted and be praying for you as you do whatever

782
00:35:43.440 --> 00:35:46.040
it is that you need to do to make peace and thought that father, we

783
00:35:46.040 --> 00:35:49.680
just pray that Lori sees exactly what she needs to see, that she's not

784
00:35:49.680 --> 00:35:53.120
looking through the lens of anxiety or anxious attachment anymore, that

785
00:35:53.120 --> 00:35:56.920
she's not just thinking if she does things differently, or if she could

786
00:35:56.920 --> 00:35:59.800
be enough, or if she could be this, then someone would show up and really

787
00:35:59.800 --> 00:36:03.920
love her, but she sees through the lens of what is real and what is true.

788
00:36:03.920 --> 00:36:05.920
Lord, let her see that in Jesus name.

789
00:36:05.960 --> 00:36:06.440
Amen.

790
00:36:07.120 --> 00:36:07.760
Amen.

791
00:36:07.920 --> 00:36:08.240
Thank you.

792
00:36:08.240 --> 00:36:09.560
All right, Lori, we're here for you.

793
00:36:09.560 --> 00:36:10.320
We believe in you.

794
00:36:10.480 --> 00:36:11.560
Lori's gorgeous.

795
00:36:12.080 --> 00:36:18.040
She's your, she's your, um, uh, California, California girl.

796
00:36:18.040 --> 00:36:24.200
I mean, just stereotypically blonde and tan and, you know, you just, you've

797
00:36:24.200 --> 00:36:26.120
got some wounds from childhood, Lori.

798
00:36:26.120 --> 00:36:29.320
Maybe daddy wounds, maybe mommy wounds, but they keep playing out with these

799
00:36:29.320 --> 00:36:31.200
men and we got to stop and it's done.

800
00:36:31.760 --> 00:36:32.040
Okay.

801
00:36:32.480 --> 00:36:34.120
You are worthy of love.

802
00:36:34.760 --> 00:36:35.320
Thank you.

803
00:36:36.400 --> 00:36:37.360
You're worthy of love.

804
00:36:37.400 --> 00:36:37.880
Okay.

805
00:36:38.240 --> 00:36:44.760
So, um, Lori is in this new loveseat with us and we,

806
00:36:51.440 --> 00:36:53.760
I hate it when my thing breaks, it's broken again.

807
00:36:53.960 --> 00:36:55.600
Okay guys, hold on one second.

808
00:36:56.760 --> 00:36:57.220
Um,

809
00:37:05.680 --> 00:37:06.360
all right.

810
00:37:06.360 --> 00:37:08.440
Next up is Eunice.

811
00:37:10.840 --> 00:37:11.360
Where are you at?

812
00:37:11.560 --> 00:37:12.280
Where are you at?

813
00:37:13.440 --> 00:37:14.080
I found you.

814
00:37:16.160 --> 00:37:16.880
Hello.

815
00:37:18.040 --> 00:37:18.960
Hi Eunice.

816
00:37:20.200 --> 00:37:22.280
Um, I, I'm Eunice.

817
00:37:22.280 --> 00:37:23.000
Are you scared?

818
00:37:23.000 --> 00:37:23.720
You're like, I don't know.

819
00:37:23.720 --> 00:37:24.360
I don't want to go now.

820
00:37:24.360 --> 00:37:26.000
I was, I was just like, I'm scared.

821
00:37:26.960 --> 00:37:28.480
You forgot about me.

822
00:37:29.480 --> 00:37:30.440
Let's just be honest.

823
00:37:30.440 --> 00:37:30.960
Perfect.

824
00:37:33.240 --> 00:37:33.960
Okay.

825
00:37:35.160 --> 00:37:41.640
Um, on Facebook, I put on, on there, um, that I want, I was thinking about

826
00:37:41.640 --> 00:37:43.120
breaking up with my boyfriend.

827
00:37:44.000 --> 00:37:46.040
Um, you've been dating for seven months.

828
00:37:46.040 --> 00:37:47.320
I was on the last one.

829
00:37:47.320 --> 00:37:49.680
I was asking about like premarital counseling.

830
00:37:50.240 --> 00:37:57.120
Um, and it's because like, I was concerned about like, um, he wasn't sure about

831
00:37:57.120 --> 00:37:59.680
what, what he's called to do and stuff like that.

832
00:38:00.160 --> 00:38:05.440
And then, um, and then I was just thinking about like one day we were

833
00:38:05.440 --> 00:38:09.600
sitting and we were talking and he was like, I was like, what do you see

834
00:38:09.600 --> 00:38:11.000
ourselves in the future?

835
00:38:11.000 --> 00:38:13.720
And he was like, like this sitting on the couch.

836
00:38:13.760 --> 00:38:18.120
And I'm like, I don't want to sit on the couch for the rest of my life.

837
00:38:19.120 --> 00:38:20.440
And so that concerned me.

838
00:38:20.440 --> 00:38:24.480
Cause I was like, I thought I asked the right questions and all the questions.

839
00:38:24.480 --> 00:38:27.320
And I was like, I don't remember hearing that.

840
00:38:27.320 --> 00:38:31.200
So, um, for me, I didn't, I didn't see my life like that.

841
00:38:31.200 --> 00:38:35.720
I want to travel when I do things, um, and everything.

842
00:38:35.760 --> 00:38:36.720
Let me ask you a question.

843
00:38:36.720 --> 00:38:38.440
Did he say that he doesn't want to travel?

844
00:38:39.080 --> 00:38:43.240
No, before he was like, yeah, he wants to travel and everything like that.

845
00:38:43.720 --> 00:38:46.960
Um, but yeah.

846
00:38:47.560 --> 00:38:49.720
How is this your first ever relationship?

847
00:38:49.720 --> 00:38:50.080
Right.

848
00:38:50.760 --> 00:38:51.160
Okay.

849
00:38:51.440 --> 00:38:53.080
It's been going on for seven months.

850
00:38:53.240 --> 00:38:53.800
Yes.

851
00:38:54.200 --> 00:38:55.160
And how old are you?

852
00:38:55.600 --> 00:38:57.800
46, 46.

853
00:38:58.080 --> 00:38:58.480
Okay.

854
00:38:58.520 --> 00:38:59.640
First ever relationship.

855
00:38:59.680 --> 00:39:00.080
Okay.

856
00:39:00.320 --> 00:39:01.480
And how old is he?

857
00:39:01.960 --> 00:39:02.880
46.

858
00:39:03.360 --> 00:39:03.600
Okay.

859
00:39:03.640 --> 00:39:04.800
Both of you are 46.

860
00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:06.320
Has he been married before?

861
00:39:06.360 --> 00:39:07.920
Has he been in a relationship?

862
00:39:08.400 --> 00:39:14.240
He has been multiple, um, serious relationships before me.

863
00:39:15.040 --> 00:39:15.440
Okay.

864
00:39:15.680 --> 00:39:16.160
Serious.

865
00:39:16.160 --> 00:39:17.240
And why did they end?

866
00:39:18.440 --> 00:39:25.360
Um, both of them, he told me basically they weren't like on the same page.

867
00:39:25.680 --> 00:39:30.760
Um, he's more conservative and they're, they were more liberal in thinking.

868
00:39:31.200 --> 00:39:35.840
Um, and, and he serves at his church and they weren't

869
00:39:35.840 --> 00:39:38.640
willing to like be at a church.

870
00:39:39.920 --> 00:39:41.240
Oh, do you like his church?

871
00:39:41.520 --> 00:39:42.200
Not really.

872
00:39:43.120 --> 00:39:43.480
Okay.

873
00:39:43.760 --> 00:39:46.920
But he is someone who doesn't like change.

874
00:39:48.240 --> 00:39:49.000
Probably.

875
00:39:50.600 --> 00:39:52.040
I mean, that's what we're saying here.

876
00:39:52.080 --> 00:39:53.960
You know, he's at a church.

877
00:39:53.960 --> 00:39:54.840
He serves there.

878
00:39:54.840 --> 00:39:56.320
He's probably been there for a long time.

879
00:39:56.320 --> 00:39:57.800
Maybe even grew up there, whatever.

880
00:39:57.800 --> 00:39:59.280
But the bottom line is, is that.

881
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:03.120
He ended a relationship that was serious because they didn't

882
00:40:03.120 --> 00:40:04.120
want to go to his church.

883
00:40:04.120 --> 00:40:06.800
So instead of finding a church, they both like, you know, he,

884
00:40:07.080 --> 00:40:10.120
and you know, and where do you see, where do you see us in the

885
00:40:10.120 --> 00:40:12.160
future right here doing the same thing?

886
00:40:12.160 --> 00:40:14.280
Cause you know, change.

887
00:40:15.000 --> 00:40:15.480
Okay.

888
00:40:15.520 --> 00:40:17.080
Now this doesn't have to be a deal breaker.

889
00:40:17.300 --> 00:40:23.200
It doesn't, but you guys actually would be a really, really good.

890
00:40:23.480 --> 00:40:27.840
Um, this, you'd be a really good couple to go through Simbas.

891
00:40:28.520 --> 00:40:30.320
So you obviously really liked this guy.

892
00:40:30.320 --> 00:40:31.680
You've been with him for seven months.

893
00:40:31.680 --> 00:40:35.720
Simbas digs into these differences and, you know, reacting to change

894
00:40:35.720 --> 00:40:39.240
and influencing each other and what you want in the future as 11 dynamics

895
00:40:39.240 --> 00:40:43.000
that it goes through that really force you because part of the homework

896
00:40:43.000 --> 00:40:46.120
to have these deeper conversations and really get answers.

897
00:40:46.480 --> 00:40:49.800
And so a lot of times people just really don't know what it is that

898
00:40:49.800 --> 00:40:51.080
they want to do in the future.

899
00:40:51.360 --> 00:40:54.560
Um, they've never seen anyone in their family do anything different.

900
00:40:54.560 --> 00:40:57.400
And it's not that they don't have the capacity or potential for it.

901
00:40:57.640 --> 00:41:00.600
It's just, you know, maybe they're not a dreamer the way that you are.

902
00:41:01.040 --> 00:41:01.280
Okay.

903
00:41:01.280 --> 00:41:03.160
We can still be complimentary opposites.

904
00:41:03.200 --> 00:41:03.760
Right.

905
00:41:04.120 --> 00:41:07.800
Uh, and so I think that before you end something, if, well, well,

906
00:41:07.800 --> 00:41:11.080
first, let me ask you this, what you're telling me the things that cause you

907
00:41:11.080 --> 00:41:13.080
pause, what do you like about him?

908
00:41:14.120 --> 00:41:17.600
Um, that he's kind and he loves God.

909
00:41:18.000 --> 00:41:22.680
Um, he, like, he kind of shows me like, like he hears from the Holy

910
00:41:22.680 --> 00:41:26.000
spirit and stuff like that, which is, um, important to me.

911
00:41:26.000 --> 00:41:29.120
Cause I, um, operate in that a lot.

912
00:41:29.600 --> 00:41:32.360
Um, and he treats me.

913
00:41:32.360 --> 00:41:35.640
Well, it's all good stuff.

914
00:41:36.000 --> 00:41:37.520
Like when you attracted to him?

915
00:41:37.760 --> 00:41:38.440
Yes.

916
00:41:39.240 --> 00:41:39.680
Okay, girl.

917
00:41:39.680 --> 00:41:40.560
That's a lot of stuff.

918
00:41:40.760 --> 00:41:43.960
So let's just not throw it out because you just happen to say,

919
00:41:43.960 --> 00:41:45.200
where do you see us in five years?

920
00:41:45.200 --> 00:41:46.400
And he said on the couch.

921
00:41:46.600 --> 00:41:47.160
Okay.

922
00:41:48.160 --> 00:41:52.560
He, he, he may not have known that this was a make it or break it question.

923
00:41:53.280 --> 00:41:53.960
Poor guy.

924
00:41:56.160 --> 00:41:57.240
Can I call a friend?

925
00:41:57.400 --> 00:41:58.240
I don't know.

926
00:41:58.400 --> 00:41:59.240
What's the answer.

927
00:41:59.240 --> 00:42:01.520
Can you give 50 50 of what the right answer is?

928
00:42:01.600 --> 00:42:02.040
Okay.

929
00:42:02.320 --> 00:42:04.880
So, um, it's not win, lose or draw.

930
00:42:04.960 --> 00:42:08.280
So it's important for you to dig a little bit deeper.

931
00:42:08.280 --> 00:42:12.040
I really suggested the very least that you guys take the SIMBAs assessment.

932
00:42:12.480 --> 00:42:15.120
If you guys want to take SIMBAs, I think that would be a, this would be a

933
00:42:15.120 --> 00:42:17.000
really good time in your relationship.

934
00:42:17.400 --> 00:42:21.240
To see if you're compatible long-term and that's going to help you the most.

935
00:42:21.320 --> 00:42:24.000
We're planning on doing that, but he wants to do premarital

936
00:42:24.000 --> 00:42:25.800
counseling with his pastor first.

937
00:42:26.480 --> 00:42:29.400
Um, why even do that if you're not getting married?

938
00:42:30.560 --> 00:42:33.720
Well, he that's that is direction.

939
00:42:33.720 --> 00:42:35.760
He he's wants to go in.

940
00:42:36.800 --> 00:42:41.960
Well, I mean, you can want all you want to, but the bottom line is, is

941
00:42:41.960 --> 00:42:44.880
that you need to see if you're compatible before you do premarital

942
00:42:44.920 --> 00:42:49.520
counseling, because especially with his pastor and you don't even like his church.

943
00:42:50.920 --> 00:42:51.240
Yeah.

944
00:42:51.240 --> 00:42:54.000
I asked him like, what happens if that doesn't change?

945
00:42:55.560 --> 00:42:57.080
And he was like, I don't know.

946
00:42:57.200 --> 00:42:58.360
I never thought about it.

947
00:43:02.520 --> 00:43:02.880
Okay.

948
00:43:02.880 --> 00:43:08.280
Well, how long does he want a premarital counsel for a session, three sessions?

949
00:43:08.520 --> 00:43:14.280
He has his, when I talked to the other people, I think it's like,

950
00:43:14.880 --> 00:43:17.000
he said he created his own.

951
00:43:17.560 --> 00:43:21.960
I don't know what that looks like, but it's like, uh, it's like a four month process.

952
00:43:22.680 --> 00:43:23.720
Oh, that's a long time.

953
00:43:23.960 --> 00:43:24.320
Yeah.

954
00:43:25.360 --> 00:43:29.600
Especially if at the end, you're like, this is a six week process.

955
00:43:30.440 --> 00:43:34.120
So, um, and you know, you can tell him it's not premarital counseling.

956
00:43:34.560 --> 00:43:38.360
It's like, you know, it's like relationship deepening.

957
00:43:38.440 --> 00:43:40.000
So, cause that's really what it is.

958
00:43:40.320 --> 00:43:43.520
Uh, but I really suggest that you do something like this before you get

959
00:43:43.520 --> 00:43:48.440
into a situation that I'm not saying it's manipulative, but it's his pastor.

960
00:43:48.600 --> 00:43:49.840
Did he grow up with that church?

961
00:43:50.280 --> 00:43:50.680
Yeah.

962
00:43:50.680 --> 00:43:53.520
So that's why recommending another couple do it.

963
00:43:53.520 --> 00:43:55.960
So that's why I'm like putting on pause.

964
00:43:55.960 --> 00:44:00.280
Cause I didn't want, cause it's like, he's, he's like a father figure to him.

965
00:44:00.800 --> 00:44:01.160
Yeah.

966
00:44:01.160 --> 00:44:05.360
And because of that, he's never going to, he's going to have a filter on when it

967
00:44:05.360 --> 00:44:08.320
comes to this guy and he's not going to ever call him up.

968
00:44:09.200 --> 00:44:09.480
Yeah.

969
00:44:09.480 --> 00:44:13.040
So he isn't cause you guys, I hate to break this to you.

970
00:44:13.040 --> 00:44:16.600
And I'm not down in this dude's church, but most churches are like us, us for no

971
00:44:16.600 --> 00:44:17.080
more.

972
00:44:17.400 --> 00:44:17.720
Okay.

973
00:44:17.720 --> 00:44:19.240
They're just, they're just going through the motions.

974
00:44:19.240 --> 00:44:21.400
You're doing the same old thing that they've been doing forever.

975
00:44:21.400 --> 00:44:25.680
And as long as everyone that was born into that church stays there and they raise

976
00:44:25.680 --> 00:44:28.400
their kids there and their kids stay there, then they'll have a church.

977
00:44:28.400 --> 00:44:28.800
Right.

978
00:44:28.800 --> 00:44:30.520
And I'm just, sorry, we're not doing that anymore.

979
00:44:30.680 --> 00:44:32.200
Y'all we're not doing that anymore.

980
00:44:32.200 --> 00:44:33.320
The kingdom is here.

981
00:44:33.600 --> 00:44:34.080
Okay.

982
00:44:34.080 --> 00:44:36.360
And so we gotta be moving forward.

983
00:44:36.360 --> 00:44:39.440
And that's part of the reason why this guy doesn't know how to dream or tell you

984
00:44:39.440 --> 00:44:42.680
what he wants to be in five years, because he's in dead religion.

985
00:44:42.720 --> 00:44:44.040
I can just go ahead and call that out.

986
00:44:44.040 --> 00:44:45.000
Cause I know that it's true.

987
00:44:45.400 --> 00:44:45.800
All right.

988
00:44:45.800 --> 00:44:48.400
So, um, don't get stuck in dead religion, honey.

989
00:44:48.680 --> 00:44:53.160
Do the Simbas or do something similar to that, to see if this guy has potential to

990
00:44:53.160 --> 00:44:55.320
break free from status quo.

991
00:44:55.560 --> 00:44:58.640
Cause I can tell that you're a dreamer and you're not going to be happy in status

992
00:44:58.640 --> 00:44:58.920
quo.

993
00:44:59.240 --> 00:44:59.560
Okay.

994
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:03.000
All right, so let's see. Let's see what happens, right, Eunice.

995
00:45:03.000 --> 00:45:09.000
I'm glad that I didn't forget about you because you needed to hear that.

996
00:45:09.000 --> 00:45:13.000
All right, Eunice is like, she don't tell me to break up with him.

997
00:45:13.000 --> 00:45:17.000
No, but I'm going to tell you to break free with him.

998
00:45:17.000 --> 00:45:23.000
You guys either have to break free from all this religiosity or no, not good.

999
00:45:23.000 --> 00:45:26.000
All right, looking for Eunice. Where is she?

1000
00:45:26.000 --> 00:45:33.000
I'm going to take the spotlight off.

1001
00:45:33.000 --> 00:45:36.000
Guys, my – oh, there it goes.

1002
00:45:36.000 --> 00:45:39.000
I was going to say my thing doesn't work, but it does.

1003
00:45:39.000 --> 00:45:42.000
All right, Eunice.

1004
00:45:42.000 --> 00:45:46.000
Okay, all right, that's all the people that wanted to be in the love seat.

1005
00:45:46.000 --> 00:45:50.000
I saw someone, Gabriella, I think.

1006
00:45:50.000 --> 00:45:54.000
Did you say that you wanted to be in the love seat?

1007
00:45:54.000 --> 00:45:56.000
Yes.

1008
00:45:56.000 --> 00:45:59.000
Are you talking to my former private client still?

1009
00:45:59.000 --> 00:46:01.000
Yeah.

1010
00:46:01.000 --> 00:46:03.000
Okay, let's get you then.

1011
00:46:03.000 --> 00:46:07.000
I want the tea on this. I need the tea on this anyway.

1012
00:46:07.000 --> 00:46:12.000
Okay, hold on one second.

1013
00:46:12.000 --> 00:46:14.000
Give me all the tea.

1014
00:46:14.000 --> 00:46:19.000
Okay, so we've been talking. Things have been going well.

1015
00:46:19.000 --> 00:46:24.000
We're on the same page spiritually from what I can tell.

1016
00:46:24.000 --> 00:46:26.000
Have you met in person?

1017
00:46:26.000 --> 00:46:27.000
Yes.

1018
00:46:27.000 --> 00:46:29.000
Okay, and how'd that go?

1019
00:46:29.000 --> 00:46:32.000
It went pretty well.

1020
00:46:32.000 --> 00:46:34.000
Did you have sex?

1021
00:46:34.000 --> 00:46:36.000
No, nothing like that.

1022
00:46:36.000 --> 00:46:40.000
Okay, well, I mean, these are some things that I've helped these people break free from,

1023
00:46:40.000 --> 00:46:43.000
so that's why I'm happy that the patterns have ceased to exist.

1024
00:46:43.000 --> 00:46:45.000
Okay, keep going.

1025
00:46:45.000 --> 00:46:51.000
I'm definitely firm on that boundary, but he came to visit with his son.

1026
00:46:51.000 --> 00:46:54.000
Okay.

1027
00:46:54.000 --> 00:47:00.000
Yeah, his son's close in age to my son's, so we thought it'd be a good experience just to meet his friends.

1028
00:47:00.000 --> 00:47:07.000
I have a relocation trial in August, so I won't know if I can relocate until after that.

1029
00:47:07.000 --> 00:47:13.000
And what's the percentage of possibility that you can?

1030
00:47:13.000 --> 00:47:15.000
It's pretty high.

1031
00:47:15.000 --> 00:47:20.000
I've gone through a whole custody evaluation, and the recommendation is in my favor to relocate.

1032
00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:22.000
I already have full custody.

1033
00:47:22.000 --> 00:47:25.000
Does your son see his dad at all?

1034
00:47:25.000 --> 00:47:29.000
Currently, they're on supervised visits only.

1035
00:47:29.000 --> 00:47:33.000
Okay, and how often does that happen, and what does your son think about it?

1036
00:47:33.000 --> 00:47:34.000
It's weekly.

1037
00:47:34.000 --> 00:47:38.000
My son is okay with he's open to relocating.

1038
00:47:38.000 --> 00:47:42.000
We've talked about it.

1039
00:47:42.000 --> 00:47:44.000
And what does dad think about relocating?

1040
00:47:44.000 --> 00:47:46.000
Is he completely against it?

1041
00:47:46.000 --> 00:47:53.000
He is against it, but it's a situation where I have full custody,

1042
00:47:53.000 --> 00:47:57.000
and the kids and I both have a permanent restraining order against him,

1043
00:47:57.000 --> 00:48:04.000
so it's not a safe situation for me to have kind of unsupervised custody.

1044
00:48:04.000 --> 00:48:06.000
So I'm hoping it's that way.

1045
00:48:06.000 --> 00:48:08.000
Forever?

1046
00:48:08.000 --> 00:48:11.000
Yeah, the restraining order never expires.

1047
00:48:11.000 --> 00:48:12.000
Okay.

1048
00:48:12.000 --> 00:48:14.000
All right, so interesting.

1049
00:48:14.000 --> 00:48:18.000
All right, so what's your question?

1050
00:48:18.000 --> 00:48:22.000
So he came to visit, and things went really well.

1051
00:48:22.000 --> 00:48:30.000
He was a gentleman and took the lead, and it was a very low key, low stakes,

1052
00:48:30.000 --> 00:48:33.000
just getting to know each other.

1053
00:48:34.000 --> 00:48:40.000
Just a few things have come up since when he came that I don't know if

1054
00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:43.000
they're incompatibilities or deal breakers or if it's something we can

1055
00:48:43.000 --> 00:48:48.000
work through.

1056
00:48:48.000 --> 00:48:53.000
Like, politically, he is very conservative, and I'm highly conservative,

1057
00:48:53.000 --> 00:48:58.000
but I'm more moderate, and I don't like to get – I don't like to really

1058
00:48:58.000 --> 00:49:02.000
talk about politics, but he started talking about things,

1059
00:49:02.000 --> 00:49:05.000
and I'm not going to just not say my opinion.

1060
00:49:05.000 --> 00:49:10.000
So we kind of disagreed, not in a – it wasn't a disrespectful way,

1061
00:49:10.000 --> 00:49:14.000
but it just makes me – like, because of my circumstances,

1062
00:49:14.000 --> 00:49:17.000
I feel like God's calling me to be like an advocate,

1063
00:49:17.000 --> 00:49:22.000
and I have a lot of compassion for people that are going through hard times,

1064
00:49:22.000 --> 00:49:27.000
and I really want my spirit mate to be someone that has a lot of compassion

1065
00:49:28.000 --> 00:49:32.000
and not just like this hard line, again, like one side.

1066
00:49:32.000 --> 00:49:36.000
Let me tell you something about men, okay, for the most part,

1067
00:49:36.000 --> 00:49:41.000
and my husband is very conservative as well, and I'm definitely more moderate

1068
00:49:41.000 --> 00:49:43.000
because I used to be a social worker, right?

1069
00:49:43.000 --> 00:49:46.000
And like you, I also feel called to advocate for people,

1070
00:49:46.000 --> 00:49:49.000
and I realize that there is a why behind the what, right?

1071
00:49:49.000 --> 00:49:51.000
We can't always judge people on their what.

1072
00:49:51.000 --> 00:49:54.000
We're not supposed to judge books by their covers, but we do it all the time

1073
00:49:54.000 --> 00:49:56.000
because there's a why behind the what.

1074
00:49:56.000 --> 00:49:59.000
And so I hear what you're saying and what I know about men,

1075
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:03.480
I happen to really know the guy she's talking about really well.

1076
00:50:03.480 --> 00:50:06.760
He's been on and off a private client of mine for a year since 2020.

1077
00:50:06.760 --> 00:50:09.720
So I've gotten to know him really, really, really well over the years.

1078
00:50:09.720 --> 00:50:11.840
And so he's a good guy and he's got a good heart.

1079
00:50:11.840 --> 00:50:17.360
And so what I'll say about this is that it is women, the feminine that caused men to

1080
00:50:17.360 --> 00:50:19.800
be more empathic and more empathetic.

1081
00:50:19.800 --> 00:50:20.800
Okay.

1082
00:50:20.800 --> 00:50:22.480
We bring that to the table.

1083
00:50:22.480 --> 00:50:27.240
And when a man loves a woman, you know, she can really influence him with her compassion

1084
00:50:27.240 --> 00:50:28.560
and with her empathy.

1085
00:50:28.560 --> 00:50:33.200
My husband didn't used to stop for homeless people the way that I did, but he does now.

1086
00:50:33.200 --> 00:50:35.200
He doesn't even when I'm not with him, he does it.

1087
00:50:35.200 --> 00:50:40.480
So and not all homeless people, but you know, when God's leading to do something, he definitely

1088
00:50:40.480 --> 00:50:41.600
notices things.

1089
00:50:41.600 --> 00:50:45.640
He prays for people in different ways that he didn't used to do.

1090
00:50:45.640 --> 00:50:53.400
And so long story short, we are the mirror that helps them to emote, right?

1091
00:50:53.400 --> 00:50:54.400
More and more and more.

1092
00:50:54.400 --> 00:50:56.480
We're the, we bring that to the table.

1093
00:50:56.480 --> 00:50:58.480
We soften their hearts.

1094
00:50:58.480 --> 00:50:59.880
And so that's what happens.

1095
00:50:59.880 --> 00:51:00.880
All right.

1096
00:51:00.880 --> 00:51:01.880
What else?

1097
00:51:01.880 --> 00:51:06.560
I'm hoping I'm trying to be, I'm trying not to get too upset when I'm sharing my views

1098
00:51:06.560 --> 00:51:12.600
because it feels really personal and, um, yeah, in relationships, you guys, you can't

1099
00:51:12.600 --> 00:51:14.600
take politics and make them personal.

1100
00:51:14.600 --> 00:51:15.600
Okay.

1101
00:51:15.600 --> 00:51:18.920
First of all, none of us are running for office unless you are.

1102
00:51:18.920 --> 00:51:23.640
And so we're not going to take our politics and make them personal, but it's worth a conversation

1103
00:51:23.640 --> 00:51:28.440
and just saying to him, Hey, you know, I feel called to be an advocate and I need to

1104
00:51:28.440 --> 00:51:32.760
know that, you know, you're going to not be critical and judgmental of people that you

1105
00:51:32.760 --> 00:51:40.240
don't know or be prejudiced or racist or sexist or nationalist and lump all the people in

1106
00:51:40.240 --> 00:51:44.200
one category, because that doesn't really vibe with what I feel called to do with my

1107
00:51:44.200 --> 00:51:45.200
life.

1108
00:51:45.200 --> 00:51:53.320
Yeah, I mean, I've tried to explain my view of things and I don't think he's, he says

1109
00:51:54.000 --> 00:51:58.720
he understands my position, but then he kind of will send me something to refute it.

1110
00:51:58.720 --> 00:52:03.320
And it's making me feel like it's not, there's a big age difference.

1111
00:52:03.320 --> 00:52:04.320
How old is he?

1112
00:52:04.320 --> 00:52:06.840
How old, what's the age difference between the two of you?

1113
00:52:06.840 --> 00:52:08.720
He is 16 years older than me.

1114
00:52:08.720 --> 00:52:10.720
Well, there's your problem.

1115
00:52:10.720 --> 00:52:16.120
And it doesn't have to always be a problem, but you know, if he wants to act like your

1116
00:52:16.120 --> 00:52:20.320
daddy, then we're going to have to pass.

1117
00:52:20.320 --> 00:52:21.640
Okay.

1118
00:52:21.640 --> 00:52:25.960
You're a grown woman and you're allowed to have your own thoughts and mind without someone

1119
00:52:25.960 --> 00:52:27.880
trying to prove you wrong.

1120
00:52:27.880 --> 00:52:28.880
Okay.

1121
00:52:28.880 --> 00:52:33.280
That's something that a legalistic parents or authoritative parent would do.

1122
00:52:33.280 --> 00:52:36.320
Authoritarian parent would do.

1123
00:52:36.320 --> 00:52:42.160
And I will tell you, this guy actually, that's, that's a, that's a weakness of his, of actually,

1124
00:52:42.160 --> 00:52:47.040
you know, just being a little rigid in his belief systems.

1125
00:52:47.040 --> 00:52:50.560
And so it doesn't have to be a deal breaker.

1126
00:52:50.560 --> 00:52:55.640
And if there's enough positive stuff for you guys to, to build on, and he's willing

1127
00:52:55.640 --> 00:53:00.480
to work on this and not try to make you his daughter that does what he says and thinks

1128
00:53:00.480 --> 00:53:04.360
the way he thinks, then we might have something to do.

1129
00:53:04.360 --> 00:53:07.520
For those of you that are into the May, December romances, this is one of the main problems

1130
00:53:07.520 --> 00:53:08.920
with May, December romances.

1131
00:53:08.920 --> 00:53:12.800
That's anything over a 10 year age difference is that a lot of times one person will take

1132
00:53:12.800 --> 00:53:14.640
on a parental role.

1133
00:53:14.640 --> 00:53:15.800
Okay.

1134
00:53:15.800 --> 00:53:19.640
And we don't need parents as our spouses.

1135
00:53:19.720 --> 00:53:20.920
That's, that's gross.

1136
00:53:20.920 --> 00:53:21.920
We don't want that.

1137
00:53:21.920 --> 00:53:22.920
Okay.

1138
00:53:22.920 --> 00:53:24.920
We want to be equals.

1139
00:53:24.920 --> 00:53:28.560
Even if there's an age difference we want, yes, there's going to be a lot of things that

1140
00:53:28.560 --> 00:53:33.840
we don't believe in common because we've been raised in different generations, but we have

1141
00:53:33.840 --> 00:53:37.200
to find a level ground together.

1142
00:53:37.200 --> 00:53:38.280
Otherwise we can't partner.

1143
00:53:38.280 --> 00:53:39.280
It won't be a partnership.

1144
00:53:39.280 --> 00:53:40.280
Do you see what I'm saying?

1145
00:53:40.280 --> 00:53:41.280
It won't be a partnership.

1146
00:53:41.280 --> 00:53:44.240
You have to have a level ground to partner.

1147
00:53:44.240 --> 00:53:50.920
Otherwise it's going to be more of a, you know, an overseership now.

1148
00:53:50.920 --> 00:53:51.920
We don't want that.

1149
00:53:51.920 --> 00:53:52.920
Okay.

1150
00:53:52.920 --> 00:53:53.920
What else you got besides the politics?

1151
00:53:53.920 --> 00:53:57.360
And besides that, trying to make you think the way he does.

1152
00:53:57.360 --> 00:54:03.560
Um, he, I wouldn't say he's trying to make me think the way he does, but he's not budging,

1153
00:54:03.560 --> 00:54:10.240
which is, um, I don't feel like I'm influencing him to at this point, but it could change,

1154
00:54:10.240 --> 00:54:11.240
I guess.

1155
00:54:11.240 --> 00:54:18.000
Um, and it's not stopping him from talking to me or being interested, um, how many times

1156
00:54:18.000 --> 00:54:20.720
have you seen each other in person?

1157
00:54:20.720 --> 00:54:26.520
Well, he booked tickets for me and my kids to go visit and we're supposed to leave next

1158
00:54:26.520 --> 00:54:27.520
week.

1159
00:54:27.520 --> 00:54:28.520
So, okay.

1160
00:54:28.520 --> 00:54:29.520
Um, all right.

1161
00:54:29.520 --> 00:54:33.520
Well, since you've only seen each other once, I'd say, you know, continue it's a yes until

1162
00:54:33.520 --> 00:54:34.520
it's a no.

1163
00:54:34.520 --> 00:54:37.480
Like I said, I know this guy's got a lot of really great qualities.

1164
00:54:37.480 --> 00:54:41.200
This is just one of the qualities that are not great.

1165
00:54:41.200 --> 00:54:42.200
Yeah.

1166
00:54:42.200 --> 00:54:52.960
Um, uh, I guess my other question is he was the one that set the boundaries, which I appreciated.

1167
00:54:52.960 --> 00:54:56.840
Like he said that he's not sure what the right way to go about it is, since we don't know

1168
00:54:56.840 --> 00:54:59.640
if it's a possibility that I can relocate.

1169
00:54:59.640 --> 00:55:00.080
So he thinks.

1170
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:03.360
We should stay friends until we know for sure.

1171
00:55:03.800 --> 00:55:08.320
So he was really good about maintaining boundaries and not doing anything physical.

1172
00:55:08.960 --> 00:55:11.040
I mean, he can relocate.

1173
00:55:11.120 --> 00:55:16.640
He's just not willing to, so, I mean, he can a hundred percent relocate, but I

1174
00:55:16.640 --> 00:55:21.240
don't disagree with that because I know him and I know that he's really dug his

1175
00:55:21.240 --> 00:55:26.320
heels in about being there and, you know, which I think that I'm the person that

1176
00:55:26.320 --> 00:55:31.080
actually suggested that you guys meet or like, you know, connect.

1177
00:55:34.120 --> 00:55:36.000
No, I told him about you a long time ago.

1178
00:55:36.360 --> 00:55:39.520
So I'm also relocating.

1179
00:55:39.640 --> 00:55:40.640
I want to relocate.

1180
00:55:40.960 --> 00:55:45.880
Like, no, I don't think it's unwise for you to wait until you know, whether you

1181
00:55:45.880 --> 00:55:46.360
can or not.

1182
00:55:46.360 --> 00:55:47.840
I mean, August is right around the corner.

1183
00:55:49.800 --> 00:55:51.760
Are you going to go for sure after this?

1184
00:55:52.320 --> 00:55:56.640
Hopefully it's been continued several times in the past and it could be

1185
00:55:56.640 --> 00:55:59.520
continued at the last minute, which will really be hard.

1186
00:56:00.600 --> 00:56:04.760
Um, just random reasons.

1187
00:56:04.760 --> 00:56:08.320
Like last time, one of the expert witnesses got diagnosed with cancer

1188
00:56:08.320 --> 00:56:09.440
shortly before the trial.

1189
00:56:09.440 --> 00:56:13.000
So it got continued another eight months and every time it gets continued, it's

1190
00:56:13.000 --> 00:56:17.880
another eight months down the road, but I'm hoping that it goes through this

1191
00:56:17.880 --> 00:56:19.040
time one way or the other.

1192
00:56:20.000 --> 00:56:26.520
Um, yeah, you know, he, he's definitely had, um, a lot of, you know, a lot of,

1193
00:56:27.960 --> 00:56:35.600
um, disappointment with long distance, uh, because of the relocation factor.

1194
00:56:35.600 --> 00:56:39.760
So it actually is probably wise for him to not put too many eggs in this

1195
00:56:39.760 --> 00:56:41.360
basket until he knows for sure.

1196
00:56:41.800 --> 00:56:44.960
So I don't see any lag with that.

1197
00:56:45.080 --> 00:56:48.160
If you're talking to me about a stranger, but I just happen to know this person

1198
00:56:48.280 --> 00:56:52.160
and I don't, I think that's actually wise at this point.

1199
00:56:53.000 --> 00:56:54.680
I agree that it's probably wise.

1200
00:56:54.680 --> 00:56:57.800
It's really hard to not get emotionally invested even.

1201
00:56:58.400 --> 00:57:01.040
I mean, I know the reasons and I, it's just hard.

1202
00:57:01.080 --> 00:57:03.200
I don't know how to navigate this whole situation.

1203
00:57:03.200 --> 00:57:09.840
So I don't know, like if I do, if I am able to relocate, what then do I just

1204
00:57:09.840 --> 00:57:13.320
move over there so we can get to know each other in person or do we, I mean,

1205
00:57:13.320 --> 00:57:17.640
yeah, when someone, when someone is once, I mean, no, not right away, but when

1206
00:57:17.640 --> 00:57:21.920
someone is going to do long distance, seriously, someone has to relocate.

1207
00:57:21.920 --> 00:57:26.000
And, you know, because you're the person who has agreed to do that, if you're

1208
00:57:26.000 --> 00:57:29.600
allowed to, if you can, if you have permission from the courts and you have

1209
00:57:29.600 --> 00:57:31.960
kids, it's, it's a lot bigger.

1210
00:57:32.040 --> 00:57:33.800
It's a lot bigger of a situation for you.

1211
00:57:33.800 --> 00:57:34.840
Cause you don't just have one kid.

1212
00:57:34.840 --> 00:57:36.200
You have how many kids?

1213
00:57:36.680 --> 00:57:36.920
Two.

1214
00:57:37.600 --> 00:57:38.000
Two.

1215
00:57:38.320 --> 00:57:38.520
Okay.

1216
00:57:38.520 --> 00:57:39.720
And how old are they?

1217
00:57:41.120 --> 00:57:43.640
My son's 14 and my daughter is seven.

1218
00:57:43.840 --> 00:57:46.200
I homeschool my daughter, but my son is in high school.

1219
00:57:46.320 --> 00:57:48.920
So yeah.

1220
00:57:49.840 --> 00:57:50.240
Okay.

1221
00:57:50.640 --> 00:57:52.360
And the 14 year old is okay.

1222
00:57:52.360 --> 00:57:55.240
Even though he's going into high school or in high school to move.

1223
00:57:56.480 --> 00:57:57.360
He's open to it.

1224
00:57:57.400 --> 00:58:00.240
He's like excited about the farm life.

1225
00:58:01.960 --> 00:58:02.760
He's not sure.

1226
00:58:02.760 --> 00:58:03.840
He's kind of intrigued.

1227
00:58:03.840 --> 00:58:05.960
And I think it'll be fun for him.

1228
00:58:05.960 --> 00:58:09.280
It'll be a good experience to ride a tractor.

1229
00:58:09.280 --> 00:58:12.920
And what I do know about one thing I do know about this gentleman, this

1230
00:58:12.920 --> 00:58:17.240
bachelor is that he is a very kind and nurturing father.

1231
00:58:17.920 --> 00:58:22.600
So for those of you that, you know, don't aren't up on this, this,

1232
00:58:22.600 --> 00:58:27.680
uh, the background here, you know, he is a widow or his wife passed away.

1233
00:58:28.080 --> 00:58:30.640
Um, he has an adult daughter and a son.

1234
00:58:30.640 --> 00:58:32.920
I think that's what, 11, 12, 13.

1235
00:58:34.880 --> 00:58:41.240
And so, um, but he is a very sweet father, you know, what I've seen from him just.

1236
00:58:41.520 --> 00:58:44.280
So I don't have any reason to believe that he wouldn't be like

1237
00:58:44.280 --> 00:58:46.040
that to your children as well.

1238
00:58:46.440 --> 00:58:51.000
And so, um, because that's how he is just really cares about his children

1239
00:58:51.000 --> 00:58:55.280
and how they feel and, you know, very emotionally available to them.

1240
00:58:55.280 --> 00:59:00.560
So there's, there's a lot of positives here, so we can't, we can't guess anymore.

1241
00:59:00.640 --> 00:59:01.080
All right.

1242
00:59:01.080 --> 00:59:04.320
So you, you've only, you've only seen this guy one time in person.

1243
00:59:04.640 --> 00:59:07.920
So don't put your anxious attachment away.

1244
00:59:08.920 --> 00:59:13.640
You have no idea of whether or not you would even really enjoy, uh, him as a

1245
00:59:13.640 --> 00:59:18.880
love, uh, you know, a love person, uh, right now just enjoy continuing

1246
00:59:18.880 --> 00:59:20.000
the building, the friendship.

1247
00:59:20.040 --> 00:59:24.120
Friendship is a great platform, a great foundation to build relationship off of.

1248
00:59:24.440 --> 00:59:29.200
When you know that you can, you know, um, actually entertain the

1249
00:59:29.200 --> 00:59:30.880
idea of moving and relocating.

1250
00:59:31.160 --> 00:59:38.400
Then my advice to you would be to, um, well, I mean, school's going to be

1251
00:59:38.400 --> 00:59:40.160
starting right when that's happening.

1252
00:59:40.320 --> 00:59:43.480
You're going to have school starting and you don't homeschool, right?

1253
00:59:44.480 --> 00:59:46.360
I homeschool my daughter, but not my son.

1254
00:59:47.960 --> 00:59:48.360
Okay.

1255
00:59:48.720 --> 00:59:55.560
So, um, yeah, when you guys go out there, this, this time to visit, uh, you know,

1256
00:59:55.560 --> 00:59:59.480
and see what life is going to be like out there, then we can, we can have another

1257
00:59:59.480 --> 01:00:00.040
discussion.

1258
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:02.800
after August about what needs to be next steps?

1259
01:00:03.920 --> 01:00:06.760
Okay, and I just have one more quick question.

1260
01:00:06.760 --> 01:00:11.760
Since I have significant trauma in my past

1261
01:00:12.320 --> 01:00:17.320
and I've gone through a lot to keep my kids and I safe.

1262
01:00:17.360 --> 01:00:22.360
And so I did tell him in a nutshell my situation

1263
01:00:22.560 --> 01:00:25.560
and he told me kind of a nutshell about his past.

1264
01:00:25.560 --> 01:00:27.560
And I'm not sure if that was wise at this point,

1265
01:00:27.560 --> 01:00:31.640
but it happened and we moved forward with it.

1266
01:00:31.640 --> 01:00:36.640
But I don't know when is appropriate

1267
01:00:36.640 --> 01:00:39.420
to talk about that stuff in more detail.

1268
01:00:40.480 --> 01:00:43.560
Not now, I wouldn't talk about anything

1269
01:00:43.560 --> 01:00:46.740
except once again, building that foundation of friendship.

1270
01:00:46.740 --> 01:00:47.840
I think that's wise.

1271
01:00:47.840 --> 01:00:49.920
I think that's something wise that he said.

1272
01:00:49.920 --> 01:00:54.000
And you need to be able to be led at a certain level.

1273
01:00:54.000 --> 01:00:57.240
And so God's giving him wisdom at this point

1274
01:00:57.240 --> 01:01:00.880
for how this relationship should progress.

1275
01:01:00.880 --> 01:01:03.800
And I would go ahead and stick with that.

1276
01:01:05.640 --> 01:01:08.200
Okay, because that's what actually creates

1277
01:01:08.200 --> 01:01:12.120
emotional vulnerability and emotional soul ties

1278
01:01:12.120 --> 01:01:15.880
and all the things is just really digging into trauma

1279
01:01:15.880 --> 01:01:18.400
and talking to each other about all the bad things

1280
01:01:18.400 --> 01:01:22.840
that have happened and specifically in this area

1281
01:01:22.840 --> 01:01:24.480
because it includes sexuality.

1282
01:01:24.480 --> 01:01:26.320
I just don't think it's a good idea.

1283
01:01:28.240 --> 01:01:30.480
Okay.

1284
01:01:30.480 --> 01:01:31.480
All right.

1285
01:01:31.480 --> 01:01:32.320
Thank you.

1286
01:01:32.320 --> 01:01:33.160
All right.

1287
01:01:33.160 --> 01:01:34.880
This is really, this is gonna stretch you.

1288
01:01:34.880 --> 01:01:36.720
It's gonna stretch you in that anxious attachment

1289
01:01:36.720 --> 01:01:38.800
that you've been in.

1290
01:01:38.800 --> 01:01:40.960
It's okay, you don't need certainty right now.

1291
01:01:40.960 --> 01:01:44.280
All you need to do is just enjoy getting to know this person

1292
01:01:44.280 --> 01:01:47.080
and seeing what kind of doors God opens

1293
01:01:47.080 --> 01:01:50.480
and what's gonna happen next, okay?

1294
01:01:50.480 --> 01:01:55.480
I felt like I should, since he's investing so much in this,

1295
01:01:55.920 --> 01:01:57.480
I saw it as like a big investment.

1296
01:01:57.480 --> 01:01:59.880
So I just stopped talking to anybody else

1297
01:01:59.880 --> 01:02:01.720
and I'm only focusing on him.

1298
01:02:01.720 --> 01:02:03.280
I'm not sure if that's,

1299
01:02:03.280 --> 01:02:04.920
plus I don't know what's gonna happen in August.

1300
01:02:04.920 --> 01:02:08.440
So I feel like there's no point in talking to anybody else.

1301
01:02:08.440 --> 01:02:10.720
I mean, as long as you can stay out of,

1302
01:02:10.720 --> 01:02:13.880
trying to be in love and in trying to make this

1303
01:02:13.880 --> 01:02:17.920
into more than it is, personally knowing him

1304
01:02:17.920 --> 01:02:19.960
and he's pretty old fashioned, he's a lot older than you.

1305
01:02:19.960 --> 01:02:22.080
I think that he probably wouldn't like it

1306
01:02:22.080 --> 01:02:24.200
if you were talking to anyone else

1307
01:02:24.560 --> 01:02:25.680
with all the investments.

1308
01:02:25.680 --> 01:02:28.040
So it's probably, that's probably the right answer.

1309
01:02:28.040 --> 01:02:29.360
All right, but once again,

1310
01:02:29.360 --> 01:02:31.160
if you feel yourself getting in too deep

1311
01:02:31.160 --> 01:02:32.920
when you don't even know what's gonna happen here,

1312
01:02:32.920 --> 01:02:35.440
then you need to pull yourself back, okay?

1313
01:02:35.440 --> 01:02:36.280
Okay.

1314
01:02:36.280 --> 01:02:37.920
All right, thanks for getting in, Gabriella.

1315
01:02:37.920 --> 01:02:42.640
It's good to see you and excited for you

1316
01:02:42.640 --> 01:02:46.480
and cautiously optimistic, cautiously optimistic.

1317
01:02:46.480 --> 01:02:47.440
Okay, you guys.

1318
01:02:48.960 --> 01:02:51.280
All right, we're gonna go ahead and wrap her up.

1319
01:02:51.280 --> 01:02:52.960
We have like two minutes.

1320
01:02:55.200 --> 01:02:56.840
Oh, Christine was the other person.

1321
01:02:56.840 --> 01:02:58.160
So Christine, okay.

1322
01:02:58.160 --> 01:03:00.920
I'll try to do a little popcorn round here, okay?

1323
01:03:00.920 --> 01:03:04.640
So I see Lydia and Christine and Maureen

1324
01:03:04.640 --> 01:03:06.760
possibly has her hand up for this purpose.

1325
01:03:06.760 --> 01:03:09.280
But I did, I do remember Christine

1326
01:03:11.120 --> 01:03:13.320
being asked to come to the love seat.

1327
01:03:13.320 --> 01:03:14.760
I was.

1328
01:03:14.760 --> 01:03:15.600
Hi.

1329
01:03:15.600 --> 01:03:16.880
Hi.

1330
01:03:16.880 --> 01:03:19.080
Okay, give us the background.

1331
01:03:19.080 --> 01:03:20.440
His name is Sam.

1332
01:03:20.440 --> 01:03:23.480
We met in February online.

1333
01:03:24.280 --> 01:03:26.040
Met in person in March.

1334
01:03:26.040 --> 01:03:28.880
I was gone for a month overseas

1335
01:03:28.880 --> 01:03:31.400
and he was chatting with me while I was gone.

1336
01:03:32.320 --> 01:03:36.480
We've dated in person for the last two months.

1337
01:03:36.480 --> 01:03:39.800
Things I like about him is he loves the Lord.

1338
01:03:39.800 --> 01:03:41.080
He knows the word of God.

1339
01:03:41.080 --> 01:03:44.680
He's not afraid to take initiative and pray with me.

1340
01:03:44.680 --> 01:03:47.120
We read scripture together sometime and talk about it

1341
01:03:47.120 --> 01:03:49.120
and it comes very naturally to him.

1342
01:03:49.120 --> 01:03:51.720
And I really enjoy that.

1343
01:03:52.040 --> 01:03:54.320
He's done a great job with physical boundaries,

1344
01:03:54.320 --> 01:03:56.400
like setting them and keeping them.

1345
01:03:56.400 --> 01:03:58.560
And it felt very rare, like out the gate,

1346
01:03:58.560 --> 01:04:00.240
he was like no sex before marriage.

1347
01:04:00.240 --> 01:04:01.960
He's been married once before.

1348
01:04:01.960 --> 01:04:05.360
He's a 16 year old son.

1349
01:04:05.360 --> 01:04:09.280
He's from Nicaragua originally, grew up in Miami.

1350
01:04:09.280 --> 01:04:11.800
His dad just moved back in with him.

1351
01:04:11.800 --> 01:04:16.800
So my question is mostly related to

1352
01:04:17.800 --> 01:04:22.160
lack of initiative and like planning dates.

1353
01:04:22.160 --> 01:04:26.600
And his house is a train wreck.

1354
01:04:29.000 --> 01:04:34.000
And so we've been talking for the last three months now.

1355
01:04:34.040 --> 01:04:36.160
I'm not seeing anybody else.

1356
01:04:36.160 --> 01:04:37.920
He is a lot shorter than me

1357
01:04:37.920 --> 01:04:40.560
and I'm kind of proud of myself because I'm 5'10

1358
01:04:40.560 --> 01:04:42.560
and I haven't actually been in a relationship

1359
01:04:42.560 --> 01:04:44.560
with someone who's that much shorter than me.

1360
01:04:44.560 --> 01:04:46.120
We get along super well.

1361
01:04:46.120 --> 01:04:46.960
He makes me laugh.

1362
01:04:46.960 --> 01:04:48.760
He's really good for my personality.

1363
01:04:48.760 --> 01:04:50.200
How much shorter?

1364
01:04:50.200 --> 01:04:51.440
Four inches.

1365
01:04:51.440 --> 01:04:54.120
I'm 5'10, he's 5'6.

1366
01:04:54.120 --> 01:04:55.960
For tall girls, we know.

1367
01:04:55.960 --> 01:04:56.800
But I really-

1368
01:04:56.800 --> 01:04:59.200
Is he skinny?

1369
01:04:59.200 --> 01:05:00.040
He's fit.

1370
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:06.280
it's like he's, he's built. Okay, so he feels he feels

1371
01:05:06.280 --> 01:05:11.520
masculine. He does feel masculine. Okay, keep going. Um,

1372
01:05:11.540 --> 01:05:16.580
yeah, I don't know. There's like, it's not butterflies that

1373
01:05:16.580 --> 01:05:19.440
I'm looking for. There's something that's not totally

1374
01:05:19.440 --> 01:05:22.200
clicking with me. And he's fallen for me quit pretty

1375
01:05:22.200 --> 01:05:27.180
quickly. Um, he's like, I think I see a future with you. Someday

1376
01:05:27.180 --> 01:05:31.380
I'm gonna tell you that I love you. Um, what else did he say?

1377
01:05:31.380 --> 01:05:33.860
Yeah, he's just fallen for me. I think the relationships he's

1378
01:05:33.860 --> 01:05:37.940
been in in the past were, I don't think a woman's really

1379
01:05:37.940 --> 01:05:41.940
ever been kind to him. And I feel like I've just been kind.

1380
01:05:42.100 --> 01:05:45.220
And he's like, I can't believe you care about me. I can't

1381
01:05:45.220 --> 01:05:48.900
believe it's okay for me to show my feelings. Um, no one's ever

1382
01:05:48.900 --> 01:05:54.380
cooked for me. And so maybe that's part of why he's it's

1383
01:05:54.380 --> 01:05:59.100
his, his, it's gotten very quickly for him. So there's a

1384
01:05:59.100 --> 01:06:01.220
little piece of me that's like, Oh, I feel bad. Like, I like

1385
01:06:01.220 --> 01:06:07.580
him. I enjoy him. I don't feel I don't know. If I'm like, super

1386
01:06:07.580 --> 01:06:12.540
excited about him. And maybe I'm a little bit ashamed that I'm

1387
01:06:12.540 --> 01:06:15.940
dating someone shorter than me because I'm a tall girl. Like

1388
01:06:15.980 --> 01:06:19.540
I'm okay with it. But then maybe I'm actually not. That's not

1389
01:06:19.540 --> 01:06:23.580
what all this is about. But um, yeah, I feel as of right now,

1390
01:06:23.580 --> 01:06:28.220
like him planning a date has it's like he said, Oh, I didn't

1391
01:06:28.220 --> 01:06:29.460
grow up doing that.

1392
01:06:30.700 --> 01:06:33.940
I was gonna say, I was gonna say a lot of the things that you

1393
01:06:33.940 --> 01:06:40.260
said early on just now seem very cultural to me. So, um, you

1394
01:06:40.260 --> 01:06:43.940
know, possibly, you know, just, you know, how he was raised

1395
01:06:43.940 --> 01:06:49.700
cultural or cultural, you know, Nicaragua. So I will tell you

1396
01:06:49.700 --> 01:06:52.660
that my husband doesn't plan dates. He does not plan dates.

1397
01:06:52.660 --> 01:06:56.420
Well, he is not good at that. He never has been. He's not

1398
01:06:56.420 --> 01:07:00.220
actually a very romantic person at all. And so if I had been

1399
01:07:00.220 --> 01:07:03.220
looking for that and needing that, then I don't think that I

1400
01:07:03.220 --> 01:07:09.140
would have married my husband. So I'm kind of the wrong person

1401
01:07:09.140 --> 01:07:12.460
to ask about that. Because I think that, you know, I think

1402
01:07:12.460 --> 01:07:16.220
what's probably happening here more is your how old are you?

1403
01:07:17.580 --> 01:07:20.220
38. He's 43.

1404
01:07:20.780 --> 01:07:24.460
By the way, that's young 38. But you're 38 and never married,

1405
01:07:24.460 --> 01:07:29.260
right? Right. And, you know, and not the typical single, you're

1406
01:07:29.260 --> 01:07:32.780
someone who has, you know, thrived in single season has

1407
01:07:32.780 --> 01:07:36.900
done a lot of work has like, you know, optimize single season

1408
01:07:36.900 --> 01:07:39.940
also has helped other people optimize single season. You

1409
01:07:39.940 --> 01:07:42.220
know, you're one of our single city moderators. But beyond

1410
01:07:42.220 --> 01:07:45.740
that, you really care about other people meeting and finding

1411
01:07:45.740 --> 01:07:49.060
love. And I think this is just not the thing that you dreamed

1412
01:07:49.060 --> 01:07:52.980
for yourself. Because that's, that's, that's basically the

1413
01:07:52.980 --> 01:07:56.740
bottom line of what's happening here. So this is not the thing

1414
01:07:56.740 --> 01:07:58.500
you've dreamed for yourself, because you've been thinking

1415
01:07:58.500 --> 01:08:01.220
about this for a long time, not just for you, but for other

1416
01:08:01.220 --> 01:08:05.860
people. And so, um, yeah, so that's really what's happening

1417
01:08:05.860 --> 01:08:08.780
here. You know, you didn't you didn't feel like and it's so

1418
01:08:08.780 --> 01:08:12.380
funny. It's like, is he warning you? Or is he promising you

1419
01:08:12.380 --> 01:08:14.620
he's gonna tell you he loves you some days that warning? Is that

1420
01:08:14.620 --> 01:08:15.620
a threat? Or am I?

1421
01:08:16.899 --> 01:08:21.100
No, yeah, I think he wants I think he thinks that he does in

1422
01:08:21.100 --> 01:08:23.939
my mind. I'm like, that's fine if you think that but I'm like,

1423
01:08:23.979 --> 01:08:28.260
you know, it's three months. It's three months and four

1424
01:08:28.260 --> 01:08:31.979
months. March, April, May and now we're in June. So like, you

1425
01:08:31.979 --> 01:08:34.779
feel like do you feel like that's coming from anxious or

1426
01:08:34.779 --> 01:08:36.979
secure attachment though? Because secure people know

1427
01:08:36.979 --> 01:08:37.819
pretty quick to

1428
01:08:37.819 --> 01:08:43.700
I don't know. Is he? Is he love bombing you? Is he? Is he like

1429
01:08:43.700 --> 01:08:48.899
constantly acting like, like, you know, like needy or clingy

1430
01:08:48.899 --> 01:08:52.300
or trying to feels like you're pulling away and trying to like

1431
01:08:52.300 --> 01:08:56.140
win you over? Like, that's what kind of that's what anxious

1432
01:08:56.140 --> 01:08:58.580
attachment looks like in men. I mean, the fact that he's not

1433
01:08:58.580 --> 01:09:01.340
planning dates tells me he's probably not anxiously attached.

1434
01:09:02.100 --> 01:09:02.620
So

1435
01:09:02.620 --> 01:09:05.220
he seems pretty comfortable just being himself with his

1436
01:09:05.220 --> 01:09:06.180
trainwreck house.

1437
01:09:07.420 --> 01:09:12.300
Okay, he he cleaned for days for me to come over and I got to

1438
01:09:12.300 --> 01:09:18.819
his house. It was so bad. It was so bad. And I wonder what it

1439
01:09:18.819 --> 01:09:24.300
looked like before. Did you see my post about the worms? No.

1440
01:09:25.260 --> 01:09:28.779
There were more. This is so bad and bless him.

1441
01:09:28.779 --> 01:09:34.060
There were there there pantry moths and his kitchen. They're

1442
01:09:34.060 --> 01:09:37.580
like little tiny moths on the wall. But then I'm like looking

1443
01:09:37.580 --> 01:09:40.380
at the island and there was like a little worm and I was like,

1444
01:09:40.380 --> 01:09:43.180
Oh my gosh, that's so gross. And then somehow like I saw on the

1445
01:09:43.180 --> 01:09:45.819
ceiling, there was a little worm. And then I looked on some

1446
01:09:45.819 --> 01:09:48.700
spices and there were little worms and I was like, Sam,

1447
01:09:48.979 --> 01:09:51.779
worms. He's like, I know it's so gross. I don't know where

1448
01:09:51.779 --> 01:09:54.860
they're coming from. So of course, I start googling it. And

1449
01:09:54.860 --> 01:09:57.740
I'm like, Oh, my gosh, that's so gross. And I'm like, Oh, my

1450
01:09:57.740 --> 01:09:59.980
gosh, that's so gross. And I'm like, Oh, my gosh, that's so

1451
01:09:59.980 --> 01:10:02.220
gross. And I'm like, Oh, my gosh, that's so gross. And I

1452
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:04.040
They're the worms of the moss that are on the wall.

1453
01:10:02.220 --> 01:10:04.020
start googling it. And they're the

1454
01:10:04.040 --> 01:10:08.540
And I'm like, no, we're in the kitchen.

1455
01:10:09.640 --> 01:10:10.480
And here's you guys,

1456
01:10:10.480 --> 01:10:12.160
and I know everyone's getting the ick right now

1457
01:10:12.160 --> 01:10:14.760
and they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

1458
01:10:14.760 --> 01:10:16.680
They're like, forget him, done.

1459
01:10:16.680 --> 01:10:20.040
But my son, who is almost 30 years old,

1460
01:10:20.040 --> 01:10:22.160
his current girlfriend

1461
01:10:22.160 --> 01:10:24.600
and the first girlfriend he's ever had,

1462
01:10:24.600 --> 01:10:28.400
she came over and she reorganized his apartment

1463
01:10:28.480 --> 01:10:31.160
and cleaned it because it was super bachelor pad

1464
01:10:31.160 --> 01:10:32.600
and it was super nasty.

1465
01:10:32.600 --> 01:10:35.220
And I raised, I didn't raise him that way, okay?

1466
01:10:35.220 --> 01:10:36.440
So the bottom line is,

1467
01:10:36.440 --> 01:10:39.540
is that I think a lot of men left to their own devices.

1468
01:10:39.540 --> 01:10:40.640
They're just, I mean,

1469
01:10:40.640 --> 01:10:42.040
there's all different personality types

1470
01:10:42.040 --> 01:10:43.560
and ADHD personality types

1471
01:10:43.560 --> 01:10:46.400
are not really that good at cleaning and they don't clean.

1472
01:10:46.400 --> 01:10:49.920
And so, yeah, I mean, yeah.

1473
01:10:49.920 --> 01:10:52.120
His mom passed away in November.

1474
01:10:52.120 --> 01:10:54.840
And so my response to his house was like,

1475
01:10:54.840 --> 01:10:57.680
hey, I'm really concerned about your mental health here.

1476
01:10:57.680 --> 01:10:59.320
And he said, what do you mean?

1477
01:10:59.320 --> 01:11:01.200
And I said, well, it's kind of hard to move around

1478
01:11:01.200 --> 01:11:02.040
in some of these rooms.

1479
01:11:02.040 --> 01:11:03.800
I said, if we got married and I moved in here,

1480
01:11:03.800 --> 01:11:06.480
there's not room for any of my stuff.

1481
01:11:06.480 --> 01:11:07.320
And he was like-

1482
01:11:07.320 --> 01:11:08.880
Like you literally said, if we got married,

1483
01:11:08.880 --> 01:11:10.920
what did he say next?

1484
01:11:11.840 --> 01:11:14.720
Well, that, I mean, yeah,

1485
01:11:14.720 --> 01:11:17.440
that wasn't the first time it had been on

1486
01:11:17.440 --> 01:11:19.800
like a topic of discussion.

1487
01:11:19.800 --> 01:11:22.360
So yeah, he was like, oh, you know,

1488
01:11:22.360 --> 01:11:24.640
I'll clean out everything and make room for you.

1489
01:11:24.640 --> 01:11:25.480
And I'm like-

1490
01:11:25.480 --> 01:11:26.560
Do you have a house?

1491
01:11:26.560 --> 01:11:28.320
No, I live in an apartment.

1492
01:11:28.320 --> 01:11:29.160
Okay.

1493
01:11:29.160 --> 01:11:30.120
And what about dad?

1494
01:11:30.120 --> 01:11:31.360
Did we inherit him now?

1495
01:11:31.360 --> 01:11:32.200
Mom's passed.

1496
01:11:32.200 --> 01:11:33.600
Does he have to take care of dad?

1497
01:11:33.600 --> 01:11:35.480
Yes, which is also cultural.

1498
01:11:35.480 --> 01:11:37.200
Like, you know, and then he said,

1499
01:11:37.200 --> 01:11:40.720
oh, my son's probably not gonna go away to college.

1500
01:11:40.720 --> 01:11:41.560
He'll live here.

1501
01:11:41.560 --> 01:11:42.400
And in my head, I'm like-

1502
01:11:45.680 --> 01:11:47.760
Yeah, because what we're basically saying

1503
01:11:47.760 --> 01:11:50.680
is that you're gonna live like Snow White

1504
01:11:50.680 --> 01:11:54.280
in a house with a bunch of men who don't clean

1505
01:11:54.280 --> 01:11:56.000
and don't take care of themselves.

1506
01:11:56.400 --> 01:11:57.320
Have you seen that scene in Snow White

1507
01:11:57.320 --> 01:11:59.800
where she comes in and she hoses everyone down?

1508
01:11:59.800 --> 01:12:01.200
No, we don't want that.

1509
01:12:01.200 --> 01:12:04.200
So basically you'd be taking care of three men

1510
01:12:04.200 --> 01:12:06.560
and you'd be doing all of the cleaning and cooking,

1511
01:12:06.560 --> 01:12:07.400
it sounds like,

1512
01:12:07.400 --> 01:12:08.920
since he's never had anyone cook for him before.

1513
01:12:08.920 --> 01:12:09.960
His mom never cooked for him?

1514
01:12:09.960 --> 01:12:10.800
No one ever cooked?

1515
01:12:10.800 --> 01:12:12.320
No, she did.

1516
01:12:12.320 --> 01:12:14.760
No, I don't think his wife did.

1517
01:12:14.760 --> 01:12:17.960
But yeah, I don't want to be Snow White.

1518
01:12:17.960 --> 01:12:18.800
And it's not-

1519
01:12:18.800 --> 01:12:20.840
I know you don't want to be Snow White.

1520
01:12:20.840 --> 01:12:25.360
Okay, so my question,

1521
01:12:25.360 --> 01:12:27.720
my post was like, do I stay or do I go?

1522
01:12:27.720 --> 01:12:30.040
Because there's great things here.

1523
01:12:30.040 --> 01:12:31.880
Yes, the worms are nasty.

1524
01:12:31.880 --> 01:12:33.880
I think it's, you know,

1525
01:12:33.880 --> 01:12:35.360
I don't think I'm in denial.

1526
01:12:35.360 --> 01:12:37.720
I think I'm looking at everything.

1527
01:12:37.720 --> 01:12:39.200
Okay, but wait a second.

1528
01:12:39.200 --> 01:12:41.840
I wrote down, I keep notes when people are talking.

1529
01:12:41.840 --> 01:12:45.640
You read scriptures and he's not trying to get you in bed.

1530
01:12:45.640 --> 01:12:47.360
What are the other good things?

1531
01:12:47.360 --> 01:12:49.320
Because I don't have anything else.

1532
01:12:49.320 --> 01:12:54.280
Oh, our personalities, we get along really well.

1533
01:12:54.280 --> 01:12:55.640
Okay, have fun.

1534
01:12:55.640 --> 01:12:57.560
Yes, we have fun.

1535
01:12:57.560 --> 01:12:58.400
I think he's good.

1536
01:12:58.400 --> 01:12:59.240
You can be yourself?

1537
01:12:59.240 --> 01:13:00.640
I can be myself.

1538
01:13:01.680 --> 01:13:04.080
He kind of helps me.

1539
01:13:04.080 --> 01:13:06.520
Like, you know, I have a very strong personality.

1540
01:13:06.520 --> 01:13:09.400
He like kind of brings me down a little, like helps me.

1541
01:13:09.400 --> 01:13:11.000
Is he willing to change?

1542
01:13:12.040 --> 01:13:14.880
Yes, when I talked to him, oh, I brought up,

1543
01:13:14.880 --> 01:13:16.400
so he's from Miami.

1544
01:13:16.400 --> 01:13:18.560
He's kind of got this slang thing going on

1545
01:13:18.560 --> 01:13:21.600
and I'm not a grammar snob, but sometimes I'm like,

1546
01:13:21.600 --> 01:13:23.080
hey, I said one time I was like,

1547
01:13:23.080 --> 01:13:24.760
hey, I'm not your bro.

1548
01:13:24.760 --> 01:13:26.760
Like, please don't talk to me like I'm your bro.

1549
01:13:26.760 --> 01:13:27.800
I was like, I'm your girl.

1550
01:13:27.800 --> 01:13:29.560
Please don't talk to me like I'm your bro.

1551
01:13:29.560 --> 01:13:31.360
And so we talked about that a little bit

1552
01:13:31.360 --> 01:13:34.000
and he like got this like English app

1553
01:13:34.000 --> 01:13:38.440
where he like practices his English on this little app.

1554
01:13:38.440 --> 01:13:40.040
And I just thought that was really sweet.

1555
01:13:40.040 --> 01:13:41.920
He's making efforts in that.

1556
01:13:41.920 --> 01:13:43.360
What's he do for a living?

1557
01:13:43.360 --> 01:13:46.480
He's a teacher and he works with junior high kids,

1558
01:13:46.480 --> 01:13:49.080
which is also complicated because they speak in slang.

1559
01:13:49.080 --> 01:13:49.920
And he has this 16 year old son.

1560
01:13:49.920 --> 01:13:52.040
Oh, that's why he's calling people bro,

1561
01:13:52.040 --> 01:13:52.880
because-

1562
01:13:52.880 --> 01:13:54.440
But like, I'm like-

1563
01:13:54.440 --> 01:13:56.280
No, listen, I think it's great.

1564
01:13:56.280 --> 01:13:58.400
You're calling him out and calling him up

1565
01:13:58.400 --> 01:14:00.000
and he is not pushing back

1566
01:14:00.000 --> 01:14:02.320
or acting like you're a terrible shrew.

1567
01:14:02.320 --> 01:14:03.640
So that's actually good.

1568
01:14:03.640 --> 01:14:05.200
That's a green flag.

1569
01:14:05.200 --> 01:14:06.040
Teachable-

1570
01:14:06.040 --> 01:14:10.280
No, he's super kind, super kind, super humble.

1571
01:14:10.280 --> 01:14:12.840
Yes, okay, so that's good.

1572
01:14:12.840 --> 01:14:16.640
Well, he's got enough good qualities for you to go forward.

1573
01:14:16.640 --> 01:14:19.320
I mean, like the, does he have bad hygiene?

1574
01:14:19.320 --> 01:14:21.600
His house has bad hygiene.

1575
01:14:21.640 --> 01:14:24.040
You know, maybe a tiny bit.

1576
01:14:24.040 --> 01:14:26.760
He needs a little, like a little beard upgrade.

1577
01:14:26.760 --> 01:14:29.440
And I like bought him some little beard goodies.

1578
01:14:29.440 --> 01:14:32.000
And I was like, we should do like a beard spa day.

1579
01:14:32.000 --> 01:14:33.880
And we can like, he just needs a little help

1580
01:14:33.880 --> 01:14:35.640
with like the beard situation.

1581
01:14:36.960 --> 01:14:38.920
But no, he dresses decently.

1582
01:14:38.920 --> 01:14:40.920
He wears cologne.

1583
01:14:40.920 --> 01:14:43.440
I wouldn't give him a 10 out of 10.

1584
01:14:43.440 --> 01:14:45.680
I would give him a seven.

1585
01:14:45.680 --> 01:14:49.400
Do you ever feel like you're kind of momming him?

1586
01:14:49.400 --> 01:14:52.520
Yes, and I don't want to.

1587
01:14:52.520 --> 01:14:53.360
I don't want to-

1588
01:14:53.360 --> 01:14:55.400
It would be mom energy right now, so.

1589
01:14:56.680 --> 01:14:59.400
Jackie, genuinely, I noticed that this week.

1590
01:14:59.400 --> 01:15:00.240
Cause I was like-

1591
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:04.960
Like, so how I genuinely recognize that in myself. And I

1592
01:15:04.960 --> 01:15:08.480
was like, I never want to be a man's mother. I want to give

1593
01:15:08.480 --> 01:15:11.640
wife energy. I don't know the difference between giving not

1594
01:15:11.640 --> 01:15:14.680
you know what I mean by energy. Like I don't what how do you

1595
01:15:14.680 --> 01:15:18.560
it's okay, guys, wife energy if it's healthy, okay, it's

1596
01:15:18.560 --> 01:15:23.520
partnership, right? What she's doing is is she's like, you

1597
01:15:23.520 --> 01:15:27.840
know, she's, she's mommy. He doesn't he don't he doesn't have

1598
01:15:27.840 --> 01:15:31.640
the things that he needs. And so she's, you know, in some ways

1599
01:15:31.640 --> 01:15:34.600
fixing him. So she's doing what what mothers what parents should

1600
01:15:34.600 --> 01:15:37.480
do when kids are growing up. She's correcting his behavior.

1601
01:15:37.480 --> 01:15:40.720
She's correcting the way he's speaking to her. She's, and the

1602
01:15:40.720 --> 01:15:42.760
thing is, it's not but here's what I want you to know, when

1603
01:15:42.760 --> 01:15:46.160
I'm asking you, do you feel like you're momming him? I'm not. I'm

1604
01:15:46.160 --> 01:15:50.960
not saying that against you. He actually needs a mom. And so

1605
01:15:50.960 --> 01:15:54.840
like, he's he actually has some deficits. Okay, because he's a

1606
01:15:54.840 --> 01:15:58.760
grown man that doesn't know that this stuff is not all

1607
01:15:58.760 --> 01:16:03.920
right. Those worms were going to take over the house had you not

1608
01:16:03.920 --> 01:16:08.240
popped in and been like, Hey, you got worms. Okay. And so that

1609
01:16:08.240 --> 01:16:12.360
you know, he there's no excuse for not knowing this stuff, and

1610
01:16:12.360 --> 01:16:16.400
not taking care of it. There isn't. Okay. It's not like he

1611
01:16:16.400 --> 01:16:18.920
had a woman taking care of his house two weeks ago, and she

1612
01:16:18.920 --> 01:16:21.960
just moved out. He's been single for how long?

1613
01:16:22.520 --> 01:16:26.600
A year and a half. Okay, a year and a half. That's not long. But

1614
01:16:27.000 --> 01:16:30.360
he already said his wife was not a homemaker. She didn't cook.

1615
01:16:30.720 --> 01:16:36.440
She obviously didn't clean. And so so yeah, we're in a situation

1616
01:16:36.440 --> 01:16:40.160
where you need to have a grown up conversation with him about

1617
01:16:40.160 --> 01:16:44.840
his level of self care, which extends to his environment, not

1618
01:16:44.840 --> 01:16:48.760
just his body. And you know, what what does he bring in the

1619
01:16:49.000 --> 01:16:52.000
And, you know, what, what does he bring in the tape to the

1620
01:16:52.000 --> 01:16:54.160
table, besides the fact that he's willing to wait till

1621
01:16:54.160 --> 01:16:57.560
marriage, you enjoy and have fun with him. I have fun with a lot

1622
01:16:57.560 --> 01:17:01.880
of people that I don't want to marry. Okay. And that he reads

1623
01:17:01.880 --> 01:17:05.520
scripture that he loves God, you know, I mean, some of these

1624
01:17:05.520 --> 01:17:08.280
things, no offense or bare minimum, he's giving bare

1625
01:17:08.280 --> 01:17:08.880
minimum.

1626
01:17:10.360 --> 01:17:16.000
Guys, Jackie Dorman, y'all. Somebody. Okay, I love you. I'm

1627
01:17:16.000 --> 01:17:20.360
not mad. I think he has tons of potential, but it's not your job

1628
01:17:20.360 --> 01:17:22.240
to bring that potential out in him.

1629
01:17:22.280 --> 01:17:26.320
My palms are sweating. I feel like I'm on reality TV. So what

1630
01:17:26.320 --> 01:17:30.160
do I do? No, I'm serious. The whole night I've been like, I

1631
01:17:30.160 --> 01:17:32.800
feel like you have to have a grown up conversation with him

1632
01:17:32.800 --> 01:17:35.720
about the things that you really appreciate about him. But the

1633
01:17:35.720 --> 01:17:38.720
things that I get are giving you major pause. And we need to see

1634
01:17:38.720 --> 01:17:41.440
his reaction to that. Because you know, a lot of people just

1635
01:17:41.440 --> 01:17:43.560
have never been called up and called out, called out and

1636
01:17:43.560 --> 01:17:46.600
called up a lot of people just haven't been around people that

1637
01:17:46.600 --> 01:17:49.280
want more out of life. And you're definitely out. I want

1638
01:17:49.280 --> 01:17:52.680
more out of life kind of girl. And so, you know, he's either

1639
01:17:52.680 --> 01:17:55.040
going to have a huge growth spurt, or you're going to have

1640
01:17:55.040 --> 01:17:58.560
to say goodbye. But the growth spurt can't be because you're

1641
01:17:58.560 --> 01:17:59.480
leading him.

1642
01:18:00.520 --> 01:18:01.680
I don't want to

1643
01:18:01.760 --> 01:18:04.360
like a mom. No, I don't want to be a mom.

1644
01:18:05.920 --> 01:18:09.400
It could happen as a result of a conversation that maybe no one

1645
01:18:09.400 --> 01:18:12.400
has ever had with him. Because like you said, Stop calling me

1646
01:18:12.400 --> 01:18:15.080
bro. You didn't tell him to go get a grammar app. He did that

1647
01:18:15.080 --> 01:18:18.480
on his own. So that's a green flag for me. You told him

1648
01:18:18.480 --> 01:18:21.600
there's a better way. And he said, Oh, let me find it. And he

1649
01:18:21.600 --> 01:18:25.120
went and found it on his own. That's a green flag for me. This

1650
01:18:25.120 --> 01:18:28.520
guy could actually have a lot of potential to have growth spurts

1651
01:18:28.880 --> 01:18:34.040
as a result of you know, just a kind kingdom conversation by

1652
01:18:34.040 --> 01:18:37.840
someone he admires and respects, which is you. Okay, and so it's

1653
01:18:37.840 --> 01:18:40.200
a win win for him because either you're going to turn his sails

1654
01:18:40.200 --> 01:18:42.240
to the wind, and you're going to say this is not my boat,

1655
01:18:42.240 --> 01:18:44.800
though. Or you're going to turn the sails to the wind, and he's

1656
01:18:44.800 --> 01:18:47.920
going to show up with a yacht. One or two of those things are

1657
01:18:47.920 --> 01:18:51.000
going to happen. Because some people need, you know, a

1658
01:18:51.000 --> 01:18:55.200
catalyst to have that BAM kind of transformational moment.

1659
01:18:55.840 --> 01:19:02.560
Right? So, um, yeah, everyone's like, it's the most for me. Okay.

1660
01:19:02.600 --> 01:19:05.520
So, um, but once again, you don't want to get into a

1661
01:19:05.520 --> 01:19:09.360
situation where you're being a mother, but you can show up as a

1662
01:19:09.360 --> 01:19:13.160
friend, and say, Hey, these are the things that are giving me

1663
01:19:13.160 --> 01:19:15.600
pause, I'm just going to be honest, these are the things

1664
01:19:15.600 --> 01:19:18.800
that are keeping me from being able to have peace about going

1665
01:19:18.800 --> 01:19:25.280
forward. Or, you know, it's it's not an ultimatum, but it is, it

1666
01:19:25.280 --> 01:19:29.840
is a grown up conversation. And see how he reacts to it, because

1667
01:19:29.840 --> 01:19:32.560
defensive if he doesn't want to change, which doesn't sound like

1668
01:19:32.560 --> 01:19:36.920
he's like that. But if he's like, okay, tell me, like, tell

1669
01:19:36.960 --> 01:19:39.680
me, like, you know, what, what would you need to see from me?

1670
01:19:39.680 --> 01:19:41.600
And then he just goes and does it on his own. It's not you

1671
01:19:41.600 --> 01:19:44.680
doing it. And I would definitely bring up the fact that, you

1672
01:19:44.680 --> 01:19:50.200
know, he's not, he's not intentionally, um, you know,

1673
01:19:50.200 --> 01:19:52.320
he's not putting his best foot forward. I know that it's

1674
01:19:52.320 --> 01:19:57.600
probably cultural, but he needs, he needs to put more effort into

1675
01:19:57.600 --> 01:19:58.520
the relationship.

1676
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:07.280
himself into his space, into wooing you, winning your heart over. You deserve to be wooed.

1677
01:20:08.000 --> 01:20:11.680
Now, I know that you had the dream and this doesn't look like the dream, but the part of

1678
01:20:11.680 --> 01:20:16.080
the dream that definitely you get to keep, it's a non-negotiable from heaven, all of you ladies,

1679
01:20:16.080 --> 01:20:22.480
is that at the very early stages of courtship, a man should be winning your heart. He definitely

1680
01:20:22.480 --> 01:20:26.720
should be winning your heart. Now you shouldn't be withholding your heart and you shouldn't be like,

1681
01:20:27.440 --> 01:20:34.160
playing games with his heart, but he should be intentionally trying to win you over to woo you,

1682
01:20:34.160 --> 01:20:39.040
not manipulate you, but to show you that he is going to be a mature, masculine,

1683
01:20:40.320 --> 01:20:44.560
mate, marriage-minded, all of those things. Okay. Thank you, Jackie.

1684
01:20:45.520 --> 01:20:51.760
The yellow flag is a big yellow flag. Okay. Which yellow flag? All of them.

1685
01:20:51.760 --> 01:20:58.080
Oh, yes. Okay. I was like, which ones? Mixed in with a little bit of potential red,

1686
01:20:58.080 --> 01:21:02.480
depending on his reaction and lots of green, unfortunately. That's what makes it so hard

1687
01:21:02.480 --> 01:21:09.520
because he is teachable. It looks like he is willing to have input. He knows that, you know,

1688
01:21:09.520 --> 01:21:15.200
that he's not living his best life. And so have that grownup conversation from your heart and see

1689
01:21:15.200 --> 01:21:26.080
what happens. Can you do it? I was actually kind of thinking about ending it with him because I

1690
01:21:26.080 --> 01:21:31.360
wanted to say, like, hey, it's not clicking for me. I see you're falling for me. And then I was

1691
01:21:31.360 --> 01:21:36.880
like, all week long, I'm up in my head running this stuff through my brain. And then when I

1692
01:21:36.880 --> 01:21:41.280
get in person with him, I'm like, oh, this is so much fun. We're having a great time. Why would I

1693
01:21:41.280 --> 01:21:48.480
end this? So can I do it? Yes, I can have that conversation. But, um, yeah, I mean, it's a lot

1694
01:21:48.480 --> 01:21:58.000
to ask, though. It's a life partnership. Sure. Sure. I mean, it's not a lot to ask to tell

1695
01:21:58.000 --> 01:22:02.800
someone that these are the things that are causing you to not be able to go forward in your heart.

1696
01:22:04.160 --> 01:22:09.200
Sure. I mean, the idea I don't know if I explained he cleaned for days.

1697
01:22:09.280 --> 01:22:14.320
Can you hear me? Am I frozen? Who's all frozen? I can hear you, but your face is frozen. Can you

1698
01:22:14.320 --> 01:22:22.240
hear me? I don't know if I'm frozen or if she's frozen. Can you hear me? Yeah, I can hear you,

1699
01:22:22.240 --> 01:22:29.760
but am I frozen? No, you were. Okay, good. We're all unfrozen. So I mean, it's a huge,

1700
01:22:29.760 --> 01:22:36.560
it's a huge thing. It's a huge thing. He cleaned for days before I came over. And that's still

1701
01:22:37.040 --> 01:22:40.720
he's brought it up to me twice. Like, Oh, I cleaned my house for you. I cleaned my house

1702
01:22:40.720 --> 01:22:44.160
for you. I was like, how long are you going to tell me you clean your house for me? Because

1703
01:22:44.160 --> 01:22:48.000
in my head, I was like, you clean your house for me. And there were still worms on the counter.

1704
01:22:50.240 --> 01:22:56.000
Somebody hasn't been taught basic life skills. So Ruth, Ruth, it's basic life skills. It's not a lot.

1705
01:22:56.720 --> 01:23:01.120
Yeah. But a lot of people haven't been taught those things. And once again, cultural, you guys,

1706
01:23:01.680 --> 01:23:06.320
I know that you want me to say it's a deal breaker, but it's only a deal breaker if it is.

1707
01:23:06.640 --> 01:23:12.240
And so we don't know, because we don't know what his reaction will be to her misgivings about

1708
01:23:12.240 --> 01:23:17.280
moving forward. You know, he can take it really bad and really hard and to say, okay, you know,

1709
01:23:17.280 --> 01:23:23.280
you want too much. And, you know, or he could be like, yeah, you're right. I, I don't like this

1710
01:23:24.480 --> 01:23:29.440
patterns till now. I think he would go to the moon if I asked him to, but that's not what you

1711
01:23:29.440 --> 01:23:33.920
said earlier, hit the nail on the head of like, yeah, I feel like this isn't what I've been

1712
01:23:33.920 --> 01:23:41.120
praying for since I was 13. Nope. And that's part of the problem, but that's also the thing

1713
01:23:41.120 --> 01:23:46.480
that you've been praying for since you're 13 probably isn't going to happen that way, but

1714
01:23:46.480 --> 01:23:52.080
you're going to have, you don't have peace either here. You're going to have peace. And I don't know

1715
01:23:52.080 --> 01:23:57.040
whether or not you can get there with this or not, because once again, this is, he's giving bare

1716
01:23:57.040 --> 01:24:02.560
minimum. He doesn't know it though, because he's used to bare minimum, but you can't become his mom

1717
01:24:02.560 --> 01:24:07.280
and you can't become the person that, you know, fixer uppers are for houses, not spouses y'all.

1718
01:24:07.280 --> 01:24:12.320
We can't do that. We can't fix people. We can't, we do have to marry potential. Everyone's going to

1719
01:24:12.320 --> 01:24:16.960
only present potential. No one's going to be fully arrived, but when we start to have to fix,

1720
01:24:17.680 --> 01:24:23.440
that's when we need to excuse ourselves. So even if he responds positively, which I am 99.9%

1721
01:24:23.440 --> 01:24:28.480
certain he will, what do I do from there? Like I expect a clean house. I don't think words really

1722
01:24:28.480 --> 01:24:32.560
matter. I think actions are what's going to matter. Like you noticed that when you said,

1723
01:24:32.560 --> 01:24:38.560
Hey, I'm not your bro. He showed up with, you know, a linguist app or whatever he was doing.

1724
01:24:39.520 --> 01:24:44.960
But I've also had a conversation about planning dates twice. And we're still not there yet. Like

1725
01:24:44.960 --> 01:24:48.240
all week long. He's like, Oh, I want to dance with you. I want to dance with you. And in my head,

1726
01:24:48.240 --> 01:24:54.400
I'm like, we live in Orlando, you know, where we've danced before. Like what I'm not going to

1727
01:24:54.400 --> 01:24:59.840
help you if you want to go dancing with me. And I'm just staying quiet because I'm like, I was

1728
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:01.720
Like, yeah, I love dancing.

1729
01:25:01.720 --> 01:25:03.040
That sounds fun.

1730
01:25:03.040 --> 01:25:06.760
But I'm like, take me dancing, you know where to go.

1731
01:25:06.760 --> 01:25:08.600
He's not doing it.

1732
01:25:08.600 --> 01:25:09.600
No, I get it.

1733
01:25:09.600 --> 01:25:11.880
And you guys, I want you to know that this advice

1734
01:25:11.880 --> 01:25:15.760
is for Christine, so don't apply it to your situation

1735
01:25:15.760 --> 01:25:17.600
because every situation is different.

1736
01:25:17.600 --> 01:25:19.960
I can use my son as another example.

1737
01:25:19.960 --> 01:25:21.920
You know, his current girlfriend,

1738
01:25:21.920 --> 01:25:23.860
we were all on a vacation together

1739
01:25:23.860 --> 01:25:26.360
and he was doing something that's not that healthy for him

1740
01:25:26.360 --> 01:25:28.200
as far as like his eating habits.

1741
01:25:28.240 --> 01:25:31.720
And he was off doing that and I was standing next to her

1742
01:25:31.720 --> 01:25:34.160
and you know, I've been married for 18 years.

1743
01:25:34.160 --> 01:25:37.880
So if that was my husband, because now I'm his wife

1744
01:25:37.880 --> 01:25:41.240
and I'd be like, hey, you know, this is, you know,

1745
01:25:41.240 --> 01:25:44.000
I'm gonna be that little voice that says,

1746
01:25:44.000 --> 01:25:46.360
hey, this is not the greatest thing.

1747
01:25:46.360 --> 01:25:48.400
And I said to her, like, kind of like,

1748
01:25:48.400 --> 01:25:49.520
aren't you gonna get your man?

1749
01:25:49.520 --> 01:25:52.840
And she was just like, that's not my problem.

1750
01:25:52.840 --> 01:25:55.720
And I was like, I like this answer.

1751
01:25:55.720 --> 01:25:58.520
I like this girl, because it's not.

1752
01:25:58.520 --> 01:26:01.400
And so the bottom line is, is that, you know,

1753
01:26:01.400 --> 01:26:02.840
if someone doesn't wanna change,

1754
01:26:02.840 --> 01:26:05.000
if they don't wanna do the things that are good for them,

1755
01:26:05.000 --> 01:26:05.840
then we can't make them,

1756
01:26:05.840 --> 01:26:07.880
we can't force them and we shouldn't.

1757
01:26:07.880 --> 01:26:12.280
Okay, but once again, my son has a lot of amazing,

1758
01:26:12.280 --> 01:26:13.560
wonderful qualities.

1759
01:26:13.560 --> 01:26:14.520
He's not perfect.

1760
01:26:14.520 --> 01:26:16.400
He's got things that are not good.

1761
01:26:16.400 --> 01:26:18.920
She named a whole bunch of really positive qualities

1762
01:26:18.920 --> 01:26:22.000
about this guy, but at the same time,

1763
01:26:22.000 --> 01:26:27.000
she has a very teacher type of maternal instinct

1764
01:26:28.280 --> 01:26:32.960
that is gonna cause her to fix, okay, with someone like this

1765
01:26:32.960 --> 01:26:35.400
and she doesn't want to put that hat on

1766
01:26:35.400 --> 01:26:36.920
because she wants to be wooed.

1767
01:26:36.920 --> 01:26:39.360
She wants to be a lover, not a mother.

1768
01:26:39.360 --> 01:26:40.360
She doesn't want that.

1769
01:26:40.360 --> 01:26:43.040
So she has to be careful in a situation like this

1770
01:26:43.040 --> 01:26:45.480
that she doesn't just give herself over

1771
01:26:45.480 --> 01:26:47.200
to trying to make someone a better person

1772
01:26:47.200 --> 01:26:48.480
because that's a gift of hers.

1773
01:26:48.480 --> 01:26:50.000
And if it gets overextended,

1774
01:26:50.000 --> 01:26:51.560
then it's gonna become a weakness.

1775
01:26:52.120 --> 01:26:53.800
Does that make sense to everybody?

1776
01:26:53.800 --> 01:26:58.200
Okay, so Christine, I hope you have a little more clarity.

1777
01:26:58.200 --> 01:27:00.680
I know that I'm not giving you like the answer,

1778
01:27:00.680 --> 01:27:01.520
but I'm not-

1779
01:27:01.520 --> 01:27:05.680
I wanted an answer, okay, but it's, this was great.

1780
01:27:05.680 --> 01:27:06.800
Thank you.

1781
01:27:06.800 --> 01:27:08.560
But the answer that I did tell you was,

1782
01:27:08.560 --> 01:27:10.840
is that he is giving bare minimum

1783
01:27:10.840 --> 01:27:13.520
and I don't think that you could ever be happy

1784
01:27:13.520 --> 01:27:14.640
with that long-term.

1785
01:27:14.640 --> 01:27:17.040
And if you were the person that was having

1786
01:27:17.040 --> 01:27:19.680
to do all the heavy lifting and get this person

1787
01:27:19.680 --> 01:27:21.960
to give you what it is that you want,

1788
01:27:21.960 --> 01:27:24.600
I think that that would eventually cause resentment.

1789
01:27:24.600 --> 01:27:26.240
Yes.

1790
01:27:26.240 --> 01:27:27.680
Thank you.

1791
01:27:27.680 --> 01:27:28.520
Thank you.

1792
01:27:28.520 --> 01:27:29.960
Appreciate you.

1793
01:27:29.960 --> 01:27:30.800
Okay.

1794
01:27:30.800 --> 01:27:32.120
Okay, you guys.

1795
01:27:32.120 --> 01:27:33.680
Lydia, I'm gonna take you really quickly.

1796
01:27:33.680 --> 01:27:34.680
What time is it?

1797
01:27:34.680 --> 01:27:36.040
We gotta go real fast.

1798
01:27:36.040 --> 01:27:36.880
So go ahead.

1799
01:27:36.880 --> 01:27:39.480
I think you're like, hey, why didn't I meet anyone yet?

1800
01:27:39.480 --> 01:27:40.920
Is that your question?

1801
01:27:40.920 --> 01:27:44.440
I mean, I've been on the apps and getting matches.

1802
01:27:44.440 --> 01:27:45.280
But a lot of-

1803
01:27:45.280 --> 01:27:46.360
I saw you post in the group.

1804
01:27:46.360 --> 01:27:48.200
I'm not, I'm not like being prophetic.

1805
01:27:48.200 --> 01:27:50.320
I saw something that you posted.

1806
01:27:50.320 --> 01:27:53.120
You guys, if you think that I never look, I do look.

1807
01:27:53.120 --> 01:27:57.840
And I also have a great memory.

1808
01:27:57.840 --> 01:27:59.720
So I'm able to remember a lot of details

1809
01:27:59.720 --> 01:28:01.000
about a lot of people.

1810
01:28:01.000 --> 01:28:03.960
So let me go ahead and...

1811
01:28:12.320 --> 01:28:14.600
Okay, I'm going to...

1812
01:28:15.600 --> 01:28:18.640
I'm going to get Lydia on here.

1813
01:28:21.000 --> 01:28:24.600
Okay, Lydia, how old are you?

1814
01:28:24.600 --> 01:28:26.720
First of all, what?

1815
01:28:26.720 --> 01:28:28.000
31.

1816
01:28:28.000 --> 01:28:28.960
31.

1817
01:28:28.960 --> 01:28:30.640
I know that you hate when people say you're young,

1818
01:28:30.640 --> 01:28:31.600
but you are young.

1819
01:28:31.600 --> 01:28:33.760
Okay, so let's not get too stressed out here.

1820
01:28:33.760 --> 01:28:35.040
All right.

1821
01:28:35.040 --> 01:28:38.080
And then how long have you been dating?

1822
01:28:39.480 --> 01:28:40.320
Trying to date?

1823
01:28:41.320 --> 01:28:44.880
So let's see, I joined the program last year.

1824
01:28:44.880 --> 01:28:45.720
Okay.

1825
01:28:45.720 --> 01:28:46.560
And I tried a little bit-

1826
01:28:46.560 --> 01:28:48.960
In your life, how long have you been like ready

1827
01:28:48.960 --> 01:28:49.920
and open to dating?

1828
01:28:49.920 --> 01:28:51.440
Like how long?

1829
01:28:51.440 --> 01:28:53.480
I think I've always, like throughout my adulthood,

1830
01:28:53.480 --> 01:28:55.400
probably once I finished college,

1831
01:28:55.400 --> 01:28:56.440
like about a year after that,

1832
01:28:56.440 --> 01:28:57.760
I was kind of open to things.

1833
01:28:57.760 --> 01:29:00.760
It's just, I wasn't open to online dating

1834
01:29:00.760 --> 01:29:04.200
until probably about two years ago.

1835
01:29:04.200 --> 01:29:05.160
Okay.

1836
01:29:05.160 --> 01:29:06.000
All right.

1837
01:29:06.000 --> 01:29:07.240
So two years ago, online dating,

1838
01:29:07.240 --> 01:29:09.400
but you've been open since you graduated from college.

1839
01:29:09.840 --> 01:29:12.520
So like 23, 24, somewhere in there.

1840
01:29:12.520 --> 01:29:13.360
Okay.

1841
01:29:13.360 --> 01:29:14.200
All right.

1842
01:29:14.200 --> 01:29:15.040
And so you've been on the app,

1843
01:29:15.040 --> 01:29:16.440
you're not having any luck there.

1844
01:29:16.440 --> 01:29:18.320
So what's your question?

1845
01:29:18.320 --> 01:29:20.440
I think it's more like I'm getting matches.

1846
01:29:20.440 --> 01:29:22.520
It's just things aren't, you know,

1847
01:29:22.520 --> 01:29:24.560
okay, it turns into a conversation

1848
01:29:24.560 --> 01:29:27.680
or sometimes the conversations aren't turning into dates.

1849
01:29:27.680 --> 01:29:29.800
It's like, I'm trying to do what I can in here

1850
01:29:29.800 --> 01:29:33.360
to make sure, you know, whatever block here-

1851
01:29:34.560 --> 01:29:35.400
I can already tell

1852
01:29:35.400 --> 01:29:36.760
there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.

1853
01:29:36.760 --> 01:29:38.400
You might be a little bit shit,

1854
01:29:38.440 --> 01:29:40.280
a little timid, maybe a little shy

1855
01:29:40.280 --> 01:29:41.760
or maybe a little introverted,

1856
01:29:41.760 --> 01:29:43.560
but there's nothing wrong with that

1857
01:29:43.560 --> 01:29:45.000
until like you get to know you.

1858
01:29:45.000 --> 01:29:46.520
I can tell you it can be real fun

1859
01:29:46.520 --> 01:29:47.840
if you're friends with you.

1860
01:29:47.840 --> 01:29:48.680
Okay.

1861
01:29:48.680 --> 01:29:51.920
But my question for you is,

1862
01:29:53.200 --> 01:29:54.920
where do you live?

1863
01:29:54.920 --> 01:29:56.200
Kansas City.

1864
01:29:56.200 --> 01:29:57.160
Kansas City.

1865
01:29:57.160 --> 01:29:58.680
Kansas City is a cool town.

1866
01:29:58.680 --> 01:29:59.840
A lot of Christian people there.

1867
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:03.680
you doing to meet people in person? So I've been, I got on

1868
01:30:03.680 --> 01:30:06.720
the meetup app just to see, you know, okay, what things are out

1869
01:30:06.720 --> 01:30:09.440
there. I just, nothing's really been like, oh, that's something

1870
01:30:09.440 --> 01:30:10.440
I really want to do.

1871
01:30:11.760 --> 01:30:15.240
Okay, so what else? Like, what kind of church do you go to?

1872
01:30:15.240 --> 01:30:19.200
Does it have anything for singles over 30? There's lots of

1873
01:30:19.200 --> 01:30:22.080
other churches around that area. I mean, that's like, you know,

1874
01:30:22.080 --> 01:30:25.200
not the Bible Belt, but yes, I mean, there's lots and lots of

1875
01:30:25.200 --> 01:30:26.520
Christians in Kansas City.

1876
01:30:26.960 --> 01:30:30.840
Right. So like my church, I've been kind of just grouping all

1877
01:30:30.840 --> 01:30:33.240
of like the 20s and 30s together. So there's really just

1878
01:30:33.240 --> 01:30:35.840
not a lot of guys my age who show up to things.

1879
01:30:36.280 --> 01:30:39.640
Okay. What about other churches around? What about?

1880
01:30:40.200 --> 01:30:43.160
I just don't know a lot of what they have going on for people my

1881
01:30:43.160 --> 01:30:45.520
age, I think is part of it. Like I've talked to someone I know

1882
01:30:45.520 --> 01:30:48.680
who's at another church, and she's like, she knows a few

1883
01:30:48.680 --> 01:30:51.920
people, but then none of that's really gone anywhere either.

1884
01:30:52.480 --> 01:30:55.400
Okay, it's summertime. How many good friends do you have?

1885
01:30:56.360 --> 01:30:58.920
Not a ton of them. And most of them are people that are in my

1886
01:30:58.920 --> 01:31:01.160
church. I have a lot of friends who are already married and

1887
01:31:01.160 --> 01:31:02.880
having kids too. So

1888
01:31:03.560 --> 01:31:07.240
okay, so you don't have a date problem, you have a community

1889
01:31:07.240 --> 01:31:12.360
problem right now. Okay, so what I really feel would be the best

1890
01:31:12.400 --> 01:31:16.800
scenario for you is to start expanding your community. Okay,

1891
01:31:16.800 --> 01:31:19.960
getting involved in things that you enjoy some hobbies, meeting

1892
01:31:19.960 --> 01:31:23.920
new people, expanding the community that you have and the

1893
01:31:23.920 --> 01:31:26.200
people that you know, this is going to be really important

1894
01:31:26.200 --> 01:31:29.480
right now, you're kind of like in what I was saying over that

1895
01:31:29.480 --> 01:31:32.240
girl that was talking about her boyfriend's pastor doing the

1896
01:31:32.240 --> 01:31:36.040
counseling, like the us for no more situation that expand out

1897
01:31:36.040 --> 01:31:38.400
of that. Okay, did you grow up at your church? You've been at

1898
01:31:38.400 --> 01:31:41.040
your church your whole life? No. Okay. How long you been going

1899
01:31:41.040 --> 01:31:41.400
there?

1900
01:31:41.840 --> 01:31:45.840
Oh, let's see. And it's been over 10 years that I've been

1901
01:31:45.840 --> 01:31:46.240
there.

1902
01:31:46.800 --> 01:31:50.000
10 years, and you're only 31. So since you're 21, is your family

1903
01:31:50.000 --> 01:31:51.600
go there? Why did you pick this church?

1904
01:31:52.000 --> 01:31:58.280
So I moved here when I was 18. Okay, college. Okay. And so at

1905
01:31:58.280 --> 01:32:00.360
the time that I moved here, there were a lot of people my

1906
01:32:00.360 --> 01:32:03.000
age who were single. So it's just a lot of people have paired

1907
01:32:03.000 --> 01:32:04.760
off and gotten married since so

1908
01:32:04.800 --> 01:32:09.080
right. So you picked this church on on your own as an adult? Yes.

1909
01:32:09.520 --> 01:32:14.840
Okay. And you you'd love it there. Yeah. Okay. It's

1910
01:32:14.840 --> 01:32:19.160
spiritually fulfilling for you. Okay, so that's great. You have

1911
01:32:19.160 --> 01:32:21.800
a church that you love that spiritually fulfilling, but it's

1912
01:32:21.800 --> 01:32:27.720
not helping you to have community in this area. And so

1913
01:32:27.720 --> 01:32:31.320
getting more friends in, you know, from different places,

1914
01:32:31.320 --> 01:32:33.160
like, what are you into? Like, what are your hobbies? What do

1915
01:32:33.160 --> 01:32:35.360
you do? What do we first of all, what do you do for work?

1916
01:32:36.240 --> 01:32:39.440
So I work at an engineering company, it's kind of small, and

1917
01:32:39.440 --> 01:32:42.720
there's not a lot of Christians at my work. So there's a lot of

1918
01:32:42.720 --> 01:32:44.440
guys, but they're all, you know,

1919
01:32:44.440 --> 01:32:47.520
are you an engineer? Or are you like some sort of administrative

1920
01:32:47.560 --> 01:32:52.200
marketing? And you're on to? Okay, so what do you like to do

1921
01:32:52.200 --> 01:32:54.240
when you're not at work besides good church?

1922
01:32:55.560 --> 01:32:58.880
So one of the things I do, like, I enjoy writing, and I'm part of

1923
01:32:58.880 --> 01:33:01.760
a writers group, but it's mostly women who show up.

1924
01:33:02.000 --> 01:33:05.200
Of course it is because writers groups are women. Okay, so what

1925
01:33:05.200 --> 01:33:09.960
else do you like to do besides right? Um, I think part of it is

1926
01:33:09.960 --> 01:33:12.520
a lot of my hobbies. There's just, it's not the kind of thing

1927
01:33:12.520 --> 01:33:16.160
that guys show up to. Right? So you have a lot of girl hobbies.

1928
01:33:16.240 --> 01:33:22.720
Yeah. Okay, so you need to make some friends that are not the

1929
01:33:22.720 --> 01:33:25.560
people that you're already friends with. Okay, you need to

1930
01:33:25.560 --> 01:33:28.560
make some friends, you need to get out there. There's lots of

1931
01:33:28.560 --> 01:33:32.560
different things that you could get involved with, branch out,

1932
01:33:32.880 --> 01:33:35.840
find some new hobbies. I mean, obviously get involved with the

1933
01:33:35.840 --> 01:33:39.400
hobbies that you already have joined some sort of, like

1934
01:33:39.400 --> 01:33:43.480
serving things, some kind of nonprofit thing. I mean, I just

1935
01:33:43.520 --> 01:33:46.640
really feel in my heart while I'm talking to you that you're

1936
01:33:46.640 --> 01:33:51.200
just like a little bit like sheltered, like closed in. And

1937
01:33:51.200 --> 01:33:54.240
you need to get a little bit more out there. Okay, meeting

1938
01:33:54.240 --> 01:33:57.920
new people doing new things. Take a class of some sort.

1939
01:33:58.040 --> 01:34:00.120
There's all kinds of different things you can do. People are

1940
01:34:00.120 --> 01:34:03.240
putting stuff up right now. Do you have any other single

1941
01:34:03.240 --> 01:34:05.560
girlfriends that could be your wing woman and go out with I

1942
01:34:05.560 --> 01:34:07.840
don't mean like to a bar, but I mean, go out.

1943
01:34:08.080 --> 01:34:10.200
Please. I mean, I do have friends, you know, other single

1944
01:34:10.200 --> 01:34:13.000
friends. I think sometimes it's just people are so busy. It's

1945
01:34:13.040 --> 01:34:15.680
like, oh, let's do this thing. And then it takes three months

1946
01:34:15.680 --> 01:34:16.520
to plan. And

1947
01:34:17.120 --> 01:34:19.520
yeah, well, you need friends that are in the same season as

1948
01:34:19.520 --> 01:34:22.280
you. They just want to go out and have some fun and meet new

1949
01:34:22.280 --> 01:34:25.920
people. And so this is what you need. And trust me, you can't

1950
01:34:25.920 --> 01:34:30.480
find that because there's lots of there's lots of people. Did

1951
01:34:30.480 --> 01:34:33.680
you guys know that Bumble the dating app Bumble actually has a

1952
01:34:33.680 --> 01:34:37.840
friend side. So this keeps coming up in my spirit. So I'm

1953
01:34:37.840 --> 01:34:42.800
going to tell Lydia this. Bumble is not just for dating. It's

1954
01:34:42.800 --> 01:34:48.200
also to find friends. Okay, so as a girl, like I'm on Bumble,

1955
01:34:48.200 --> 01:34:51.440
my first move to Austin, you know, I met some women on

1956
01:34:51.440 --> 01:34:53.960
Bumble, not because I'm a lesbian looking for a gay

1957
01:34:53.960 --> 01:34:56.720
relationship, because there's a friendship side of Bumble.

1958
01:34:57.080 --> 01:34:59.960
They're married women, they're single women, and they

1959
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:01.600
Look at your profile, just like a dating app.

1960
01:35:01.600 --> 01:35:04.240
You swipe on friends, deciding like who you have in common with.

1961
01:35:04.240 --> 01:35:08.400
There's a lot of Christians on there looking for other people to do fun things with.

1962
01:35:08.600 --> 01:35:12.960
And so get on Bumble on the friend side and find yourself some girlfriends.

1963
01:35:13.360 --> 01:35:19.000
OK. OK, and girlfriends that are fun and extroverted and that are going to drag you

1964
01:35:19.000 --> 01:35:22.600
out and make you have fun and meet new people because you need that in your life.

1965
01:35:22.960 --> 01:35:25.760
And then for all of you that haven't joined the ARC dating app, because we're going to

1966
01:35:25.760 --> 01:35:29.200
be doing some fun partnerships with this app for those of you that are like, but why

1967
01:35:29.200 --> 01:35:31.080
should I join? That's why you should join.

1968
01:35:31.360 --> 01:35:32.880
So go ahead and use the affiliate link.

1969
01:35:32.880 --> 01:35:38.760
You can find in the resource page of the app, your app here, last year, single and use

1970
01:35:38.760 --> 01:35:43.520
that link because that is going to put you in a database as being part of our affiliate

1971
01:35:43.520 --> 01:35:48.080
with ARC. When we have these pop up events, there's at least one more speed dating event

1972
01:35:48.080 --> 01:35:50.640
this month that you can participate in.

1973
01:35:50.800 --> 01:35:53.040
This is an app by Christians for Christians.

1974
01:35:53.040 --> 01:35:55.920
You guys, it's only going to get bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger because they're

1975
01:35:55.920 --> 01:35:58.560
doing affiliates with lots of communities like ours.

1976
01:35:58.880 --> 01:36:01.280
And so get on there and do that.

1977
01:36:01.520 --> 01:36:05.040
OK, and be part of this next this next speed dating thing.

1978
01:36:05.280 --> 01:36:07.080
All of you have events.

1979
01:36:07.320 --> 01:36:11.760
You can go on Facebook and go to events and look at the events in a zip code.

1980
01:36:11.760 --> 01:36:12.800
Put your zip code in.

1981
01:36:13.000 --> 01:36:14.880
Look at all the events that are happening.

1982
01:36:14.880 --> 01:36:19.840
There's there's a theater in the park that's happening everywhere.

1983
01:36:19.840 --> 01:36:21.680
There's live music everywhere.

1984
01:36:21.680 --> 01:36:23.200
There's all different types of things.

1985
01:36:23.440 --> 01:36:26.640
Get yourself a wingman or a wingwoman and go out there.

1986
01:36:26.680 --> 01:36:29.520
Christians are everywhere, not just at church.

1987
01:36:29.720 --> 01:36:34.080
OK, I feel like your app exhausted, besides with just a friend, finding a friend,

1988
01:36:34.080 --> 01:36:38.280
finding girls on apps, take a break from the apps romantically, find some friends on

1989
01:36:38.280 --> 01:36:42.360
the app on Bumble and get on ARC just for that speed dating situation.

1990
01:36:42.360 --> 01:36:46.160
If you're not already on there with our affiliate link and let's get you out in

1991
01:36:46.160 --> 01:36:49.080
summer, having fun and meeting people in person.

1992
01:36:49.280 --> 01:36:50.720
OK.

1993
01:36:50.960 --> 01:36:53.080
That's for you. All right, that's probably for a lot of you.

1994
01:36:53.280 --> 01:36:55.360
All right, you guys, thank you so much for tonight.

1995
01:36:55.360 --> 01:36:57.360
We appreciate you. Love you all.

1996
01:36:57.560 --> 01:37:00.120
You guys just single cities are amazing.

1997
01:37:00.120 --> 01:37:01.200
Join your single city.

1998
01:37:01.200 --> 01:37:05.080
The one that's closest to you and new ones are coming all the time.

1999
01:37:05.280 --> 01:37:06.720
So we'll see you soon. Bye, everyone.