WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:28.000 Thank you. 2 00:00:28.000 --> 00:00:42.000 Okay. 3 00:00:42.000 --> 00:00:44.000 Hey there. 4 00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:46.000 Hello. 5 00:00:46.000 --> 00:00:47.000 How are you? 6 00:00:47.000 --> 00:00:49.000 Good. How are you? 7 00:00:49.000 --> 00:00:51.000 Doing good. Your curly hair is cute. 8 00:00:51.000 --> 00:00:53.000 Like very beachy. 9 00:00:53.000 --> 00:00:57.000 Yes. It's my beach waves. 10 00:00:57.000 --> 00:00:59.000 How are you? 11 00:00:59.000 --> 00:01:01.000 Good. 12 00:01:01.000 --> 00:01:03.000 How are you? 13 00:01:03.000 --> 00:01:05.000 Good. 14 00:01:05.000 --> 00:01:07.000 How are you? 15 00:01:07.000 --> 00:01:09.000 Good. 16 00:01:09.000 --> 00:01:11.000 How are you? 17 00:01:11.000 --> 00:01:13.000 I'm doing good. 18 00:01:13.000 --> 00:01:15.000 I'm doing really good. 19 00:01:15.000 --> 00:01:17.000 How was your weekend? 20 00:01:17.000 --> 00:01:19.000 Tell me about your conference. 21 00:01:19.000 --> 00:01:21.000 It was so good. 22 00:01:21.000 --> 00:01:23.000 It's the second time I've done it. 23 00:01:23.000 --> 00:01:25.000 I've done bits of it. 24 00:01:25.000 --> 00:01:27.000 It was a lot of fun. 25 00:01:27.000 --> 00:01:29.000 It was three days. 26 00:01:29.000 --> 00:01:31.000 Six sessions each day. 27 00:01:31.000 --> 00:01:33.000 That's a total of 18 sessions. 28 00:01:33.000 --> 00:01:35.000 At night, 29 00:01:35.000 --> 00:01:37.000 the last day, 30 00:01:37.000 --> 00:01:41.000 we had a healing service in which we declared healing over 31 00:01:41.000 --> 00:01:43.000 ourselves and other people. 32 00:01:43.000 --> 00:01:47.000 It was good. 33 00:01:47.000 --> 00:01:49.000 That's interesting. 34 00:01:49.000 --> 00:01:51.000 I was praying for you a lot. 35 00:01:51.000 --> 00:01:54.000 I was really praying for you last night. 36 00:01:54.000 --> 00:01:56.000 I was like, 37 00:01:56.000 --> 00:01:58.000 I don't know what's going on. 38 00:01:58.000 --> 00:02:00.000 I almost texted you and said, 39 00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:02.000 I'm just praying for you. 40 00:02:02.000 --> 00:02:04.000 It doesn't matter if I text her or not. 41 00:02:04.000 --> 00:02:06.000 I'll just pray. 42 00:02:06.000 --> 00:02:08.000 Pardon? 43 00:02:08.000 --> 00:02:10.000 I'm so glad you thought of me. 44 00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:12.000 Thank you. 45 00:02:12.000 --> 00:02:16.000 I was thinking about how you were doing in the conference and what 46 00:02:16.000 --> 00:02:18.000 you were learning. 47 00:02:18.000 --> 00:02:20.000 One thing that came to my mind is, 48 00:02:20.000 --> 00:02:23.000 I don't know what it is you're still healing from. 49 00:02:23.000 --> 00:02:25.000 I don't know if there's anything going on inside that you're still 50 00:02:25.000 --> 00:02:27.000 healing from. 51 00:02:27.000 --> 00:02:29.000 I was like, God, whatever it is, 52 00:02:29.000 --> 00:02:31.000 give her a breakthrough and give her healing in whatever area it is. 53 00:02:31.000 --> 00:02:33.000 You know what it is. 54 00:02:33.000 --> 00:02:35.000 I don't. 55 00:02:35.000 --> 00:02:37.000 Thank you. 56 00:02:37.000 --> 00:02:39.000 I appreciate it. 57 00:02:39.000 --> 00:02:41.000 It was very good. 58 00:02:41.000 --> 00:02:43.000 Like I said, 59 00:02:43.000 --> 00:02:45.000 I had done it back in February, 60 00:02:45.000 --> 00:02:49.000 but I really wanted to do it live. 61 00:02:49.000 --> 00:02:51.000 Of course, 62 00:02:51.000 --> 00:02:53.000 I had to go to the church and all of that, 63 00:02:53.000 --> 00:02:55.000 but it wasn't like the full training. 64 00:02:55.000 --> 00:02:57.000 And anyway, 65 00:02:57.000 --> 00:02:59.000 and I'd asked the Lord. 66 00:02:59.000 --> 00:03:03.000 For. 67 00:03:03.000 --> 00:03:06.000 I'd asked the Lord for some. 68 00:03:06.000 --> 00:03:08.000 How would I word that? 69 00:03:08.000 --> 00:03:10.000 To talk to me. 70 00:03:10.000 --> 00:03:12.000 Oh, to confirm. 71 00:03:12.000 --> 00:03:14.000 Some things to me. 72 00:03:15.000 --> 00:03:16.000 And, um, 73 00:03:16.000 --> 00:03:20.000 cause basically I was telling him, okay, Lord, you know, obviously I, um, 74 00:03:20.000 --> 00:03:22.000 I was, I was feeling very, 75 00:03:22.000 --> 00:03:25.000 I was feeling a lot of pressure in particular situation in a particular 76 00:03:25.000 --> 00:03:26.000 situation. 77 00:03:26.000 --> 00:03:28.000 And I was asking Lord, okay, Lord, you know, 78 00:03:28.000 --> 00:03:31.000 you say that you provide for him, protect me. 79 00:03:31.000 --> 00:03:35.000 And, and so therefore, you know, I, I am standing on that word and I'm, 80 00:03:35.000 --> 00:03:39.000 and I believe that that is your character and I'm choosing it. 81 00:03:39.000 --> 00:03:41.000 Um, 82 00:03:41.000 --> 00:03:46.000 So, but Lord, what I want to know is you're basically teaching me how to 83 00:03:46.000 --> 00:03:47.000 walk. 84 00:03:47.000 --> 00:03:50.000 Like, like a, like a toddler, you know, teach me how to walk. 85 00:03:50.000 --> 00:03:52.000 So I understand Lord, if I'm tottering, 86 00:03:52.000 --> 00:03:55.000 but what I'm wanting to check, 87 00:03:55.000 --> 00:03:59.000 what I'm asking you to confirm for me is, 88 00:03:59.000 --> 00:04:03.000 am I tottering on my legs or am I, 89 00:04:03.000 --> 00:04:05.000 am I doing something? 90 00:04:05.000 --> 00:04:07.000 Am I like tottering? 91 00:04:07.000 --> 00:04:08.000 Like on my hands, 92 00:04:08.000 --> 00:04:11.000 am I trying to walk on my hands or am I trying to, 93 00:04:11.000 --> 00:04:13.000 or am I thinking I'm walking and I'm army crawling? 94 00:04:13.000 --> 00:04:17.000 I mean like, in other words, like, am I like doing this right? 95 00:04:17.000 --> 00:04:18.000 You know, 96 00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:21.000 am I like moving in my learning in the, 97 00:04:21.000 --> 00:04:25.000 in a very positive progression and I was like, that's, 98 00:04:25.000 --> 00:04:27.000 that's all that I need to affirm Lord. 99 00:04:27.000 --> 00:04:28.000 Uh, I, um, you know, 100 00:04:28.000 --> 00:04:31.000 cause I know that if you say that you provide for him, 101 00:04:31.000 --> 00:04:32.000 protect me that you do, 102 00:04:32.000 --> 00:04:35.000 I don't have to see proof and in order to choose it, 103 00:04:36.000 --> 00:04:41.000 I just need to know that, you know, that I am, uh, you know, 104 00:04:41.000 --> 00:04:44.000 that, that I really am learning to walk on my legs, 105 00:04:44.000 --> 00:04:46.000 the way that you're supposed to walk. 106 00:04:46.000 --> 00:04:49.000 And, uh, and he confirmed it four times. 107 00:04:49.000 --> 00:04:51.000 I mean, they're not, they were not small by the way, 108 00:04:51.000 --> 00:04:57.000 for very big, some of them life-changing, 109 00:04:57.000 --> 00:04:59.000 you know, affirmations. 110 00:04:59.000 --> 00:05:00.000 I was so excited. 111 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:09.940 One of them was last night, a friend of mine had had an encounter and a dream and had told 112 00:05:09.940 --> 00:05:14.220 me and so she wanted to get together to tell me about it and she's like, okay, Ashley, 113 00:05:14.220 --> 00:05:17.900 I don't really know what this means and then of course she told me, I was like, well, I 114 00:05:17.900 --> 00:05:18.900 do. 115 00:05:18.900 --> 00:05:26.100 It means that the Lord's saying, yes, Ashley, you are learning to walk on your legs, so 116 00:05:26.100 --> 00:05:27.100 you are fine. 117 00:05:27.100 --> 00:05:43.940 I was like, good, okay, and then today there was some, God released, God showed me his 118 00:05:43.940 --> 00:05:49.780 provision and protection, in other words, his word, how it manifested on the earth. 119 00:05:49.780 --> 00:05:56.980 So I actually got to see the manifestation on the earth as of this morning and so I just 120 00:05:56.980 --> 00:06:02.140 stayed, no matter what it looks like, this is what God says, this is what God says, this 121 00:06:02.140 --> 00:06:07.260 is what God says, I just need to know, Lord, am I walking, am I actually learning to walk 122 00:06:07.260 --> 00:06:11.980 and he confirmed it to me four times and then this morning, he's like, okay, now that we 123 00:06:11.980 --> 00:06:17.900 went through that, now I'll show you the manifestation, so anyway, yeah, it was very good. 124 00:06:17.900 --> 00:06:20.380 How did it manifest this morning? 125 00:06:21.380 --> 00:06:26.980 Well, it just manifested into the physical, like something that I couldn't see coming 126 00:06:26.980 --> 00:06:34.820 through actually came through and it came through in a bigger way than I had been expecting. 127 00:06:34.820 --> 00:06:40.220 So then, I don't know, it's hard to describe, but anyway, I was very, very excited about 128 00:06:40.220 --> 00:06:41.220 it. 129 00:06:41.220 --> 00:06:44.340 I was like, okay, Lord, because he is, and that was another thing that I kept telling 130 00:06:44.340 --> 00:06:51.140 God, you're not just a God of like good enough or close enough, but I kept telling him, no, 131 00:06:51.140 --> 00:06:54.940 Lord, I'm choosing that you're a God of abundance because that's who it is that you say that 132 00:06:54.940 --> 00:06:55.940 you are. 133 00:06:55.940 --> 00:07:04.340 So I'm saying that when you come through in provision, protection, identity, love, comfort, 134 00:07:04.340 --> 00:07:08.660 you know, whatever, that it's an abundance and one of the things that I was writing down 135 00:07:08.660 --> 00:07:17.740 this weekend was, excuse me, I was reminded of ways in which God comes through in abundance 136 00:07:17.740 --> 00:07:22.060 in scripture, like for instance, the feeding of the 5,000 and the feeding of the 4,000, 137 00:07:22.060 --> 00:07:23.780 there was stuff left over. 138 00:07:23.780 --> 00:07:29.260 So we often think that, oh, you know, when God wants to provide, he doesn't want to waste 139 00:07:29.260 --> 00:07:30.260 anything. 140 00:07:30.260 --> 00:07:31.260 He doesn't want us to waste anything. 141 00:07:31.260 --> 00:07:36.260 So he's going to be very, very exact and no, my goodness, there were 12 baskets left over 142 00:07:36.260 --> 00:07:43.940 after the 5,000 and I don't remember how many were left over after the 4,000, but, 143 00:07:43.940 --> 00:07:46.180 you know, there was that and then there was something else. 144 00:07:46.180 --> 00:07:52.980 It was Abraham, something related to Abraham that I thought, oh my word, that was abundance. 145 00:07:52.980 --> 00:07:55.260 It wasn't just good enough. 146 00:07:55.260 --> 00:07:57.340 I can't remember what that story was. 147 00:07:57.340 --> 00:08:04.140 So I was again claiming, okay, Lord, I believe that I have been believing you for just enough, 148 00:08:04.140 --> 00:08:11.580 but you provide and protect and your character comes through with the last minute and, you 149 00:08:11.580 --> 00:08:18.020 know, and it comes through in the exact way that the situation needs to be taken care 150 00:08:18.020 --> 00:08:21.820 of, you know, or what you would think of in worldly terms, situation to be taken care 151 00:08:21.820 --> 00:08:22.820 of. 152 00:08:22.820 --> 00:08:30.020 I was like, no, I'm sorry, Lord, you know, I repent of limiting you to that and believing 153 00:08:30.020 --> 00:08:32.580 that that is, that you're restricted like that. 154 00:08:32.580 --> 00:08:39.500 So I choose that, to take you at your word, you're a God of abundance with lots left over. 155 00:08:39.500 --> 00:08:40.740 Oh, that's what it was. 156 00:08:40.740 --> 00:08:42.299 I remembered it wasn't Abraham. 157 00:08:42.299 --> 00:08:47.020 It was, I think there was a story about Abraham that reminded me of this, but it was actually 158 00:08:47.020 --> 00:08:51.700 when God provided manna and quail in the wilderness, in fact, there was so much manna and so much 159 00:08:51.700 --> 00:08:57.540 quail that he told them, don't collect more than you need because there was more than 160 00:08:57.540 --> 00:08:58.540 they needed. 161 00:08:59.540 --> 00:09:04.260 But he was just like, ah, you know, I can, I am the cattle on a thousand hills, so here 162 00:09:04.260 --> 00:09:11.380 you go, you want food, but just get what you want, which is up to you, not up to me, get 163 00:09:11.380 --> 00:09:16.540 whatever you want, and then once you're done, I'll have it all go away, I'll have the rest 164 00:09:16.540 --> 00:09:19.020 of it go away, and then I'll come tomorrow. 165 00:09:19.020 --> 00:09:23.580 So anyway, but yeah, so how are you doing? 166 00:09:23.580 --> 00:09:24.580 That's awesome. 167 00:09:24.580 --> 00:09:25.580 That's so cool to hear. 168 00:09:25.580 --> 00:09:26.580 That's amazing. 169 00:09:26.580 --> 00:09:27.580 I'm good. 170 00:09:27.580 --> 00:09:33.580 I, yeah, I've had some things come up, which has been interesting because I feel like, 171 00:09:33.580 --> 00:09:39.540 you know, last week I was really good for the most part at being in rest with my daughter 172 00:09:39.540 --> 00:09:47.500 at home, just in general with everything, and then on yesterday, I actually, it was 173 00:09:47.500 --> 00:09:54.380 I think Saturday, maybe it was yesterday, I hit a bit of a wall with it because a few 174 00:09:54.460 --> 00:09:55.460 things happened. 175 00:09:55.460 --> 00:09:58.860 I'm going to start to cry. 176 00:09:58.860 --> 00:09:59.860 So 177 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:04.880 The first thing is, okay, so I told you my story about the cult, right? 178 00:10:04.880 --> 00:10:05.680 Yes. 179 00:10:05.680 --> 00:10:09.200 And I've been blessed because there's a girl, 180 00:10:10.640 --> 00:10:14.480 there have been many people that I've been in contact with over time that have been really 181 00:10:14.480 --> 00:10:20.160 helpful. There was a cult called NXIVM. I don't know if you ever heard of NXIVM. 182 00:10:20.160 --> 00:10:24.800 That sounds familiar, but I didn't know anything about it. I didn't know it was a cult. 183 00:10:24.800 --> 00:10:25.120 Yeah. 184 00:10:25.120 --> 00:10:28.080 I don't know what it is and what it means. I just know the name. 185 00:10:28.720 --> 00:10:31.760 It's been in the news a lot, and it's a personal development cult. 186 00:10:32.320 --> 00:10:37.440 And my friend at one point had sent me this girl's podcast that she had done, 187 00:10:38.000 --> 00:10:42.800 and I listened to it, and this girl, I was just amazed at how similar our stories were. 188 00:10:44.640 --> 00:10:48.000 Who's the spokesperson for NXIVM? Maybe I know the name. 189 00:10:48.000 --> 00:10:48.960 Keith Raniere. 190 00:10:50.320 --> 00:10:51.920 Oh, that doesn't sound familiar. Okay. 191 00:10:51.920 --> 00:10:54.480 But he's in prison now. 192 00:10:54.480 --> 00:10:55.920 Oh, my. 193 00:10:56.080 --> 00:10:59.040 It was like, he had a sex element to the cult too. 194 00:11:00.000 --> 00:11:04.160 So this girl who did the podcast had actually been branded in the cult, 195 00:11:05.040 --> 00:11:10.000 and she was speaking out about it. She'd now, at that point, left. 196 00:11:10.560 --> 00:11:14.880 And so I listened to her podcast, and I was like, wow, this girl sounds so much like me. 197 00:11:15.440 --> 00:11:20.560 So I ended up reaching out to her on Facebook, and she responded, and we communicated, 198 00:11:20.560 --> 00:11:24.400 and then we got on the phone and talked a bunch of times, and she wrote a book. 199 00:11:24.400 --> 00:11:25.920 So I also read her book. 200 00:11:25.920 --> 00:11:29.120 Is she a believer out of curiosity? 201 00:11:29.840 --> 00:11:30.320 She's not. 202 00:11:30.320 --> 00:11:31.040 Oh, no. 203 00:11:31.040 --> 00:11:34.880 No, unfortunately, because if she was, we'd have different conversations, 204 00:11:34.880 --> 00:11:39.280 but we've had these conversations that have been so helpful. 205 00:11:39.280 --> 00:11:46.560 And so I started writing a book about my experience, and I kept feeling the Lord saying 206 00:11:48.480 --> 00:11:52.480 that I wasn't going in the right direction with it, because my idea around the book was 207 00:11:52.560 --> 00:11:56.720 to kind of expose it for what it was, which is what this girl Sarah is doing. 208 00:11:57.520 --> 00:12:03.760 She's exposing NXIVM, and she's exposed it from the time she realized what was really happening. 209 00:12:04.320 --> 00:12:07.920 And she didn't even realize what was going on behind the scenes with all the sex stuff. 210 00:12:07.920 --> 00:12:09.440 She just knew she'd been branded. 211 00:12:09.440 --> 00:12:11.520 She was struggling with her experience. 212 00:12:11.520 --> 00:12:15.920 And like I did, I kind of pulled back the curtain and saw some things weren't right, 213 00:12:15.920 --> 00:12:16.640 and so did she. 214 00:12:16.640 --> 00:12:19.360 So anyway, so we had all these great conversations. 215 00:12:19.360 --> 00:12:20.320 We've stayed in touch. 216 00:12:20.960 --> 00:12:22.000 I started writing this book. 217 00:12:22.080 --> 00:12:26.960 I had an editor and things were going well, but I kept feeling the Lord like putting a pause on it, 218 00:12:27.520 --> 00:12:28.480 and I didn't know why. 219 00:12:29.040 --> 00:12:32.880 And then I figured maybe he wanted me to write a full book of my whole story 220 00:12:32.880 --> 00:12:36.800 and not just make it about this group and exposing, not mentioning names. 221 00:12:36.800 --> 00:12:39.600 It was going to be like a fictional account of a true story. 222 00:12:39.600 --> 00:12:43.680 So I wasn't actually calling out the group I was in necessarily, but calling out groups like it. 223 00:12:44.560 --> 00:12:51.680 So Sarah is an actress, and some of the people in this cult were actresses too. 224 00:12:51.680 --> 00:12:53.280 There was this one girl from Smallville. 225 00:12:53.280 --> 00:12:59.120 And yeah, I'm now wondering if, yes, yes, the blonde lady, right? 226 00:12:59.920 --> 00:13:00.480 Yes. 227 00:13:00.480 --> 00:13:00.960 Okay. 228 00:13:00.960 --> 00:13:01.600 I, okay. 229 00:13:01.600 --> 00:13:03.920 When you started talking, I thought, wait a minute. 230 00:13:03.920 --> 00:13:07.520 If you said that there was a sexual component, I thought I did hear about this. 231 00:13:08.160 --> 00:13:11.440 And I heard that they were like getting different people and trying to attract. 232 00:13:11.440 --> 00:13:12.000 Okay. 233 00:13:12.000 --> 00:13:13.280 I didn't hear much. 234 00:13:13.280 --> 00:13:16.720 It was just enough because I don't really read that kind of thing. 235 00:13:16.720 --> 00:13:20.480 I'm just like, okay, well let the devil do what he wants to do behind closed doors. 236 00:13:20.480 --> 00:13:21.280 I don't want to know. 237 00:13:21.280 --> 00:13:25.280 But it was enough where it was like in my face and like when I was scrolling through Facebook 238 00:13:25.280 --> 00:13:26.640 and then I would hear names or whatever. 239 00:13:26.640 --> 00:13:27.280 So, okay. 240 00:13:27.280 --> 00:13:29.760 So it is the, it is the one I was thinking about. 241 00:13:29.760 --> 00:13:30.000 Yeah. 242 00:13:30.000 --> 00:13:33.120 This girl, Claire Brothman or something was her name. 243 00:13:33.120 --> 00:13:38.960 And then Sarah Edmondson is my friend who I met through listening to her podcast and all that. 244 00:13:38.960 --> 00:13:41.280 So anyway, she's been really great. 245 00:13:41.280 --> 00:13:44.400 And I sent her my first like seven, eight chapters of the book. 246 00:13:44.400 --> 00:13:48.400 And even she was like, she's like, it's good, but it's not pulling me in. 247 00:13:48.400 --> 00:13:50.160 Like it's not dramatic enough at the beginning. 248 00:13:50.720 --> 00:13:52.880 And the editor that I had was so awesome. 249 00:13:52.880 --> 00:13:55.520 He's a strong Christian guy and I really liked him. 250 00:13:55.520 --> 00:13:59.840 And he just, I just felt like I kept putting him off. 251 00:13:59.840 --> 00:14:01.760 I kept postponing. 252 00:14:01.760 --> 00:14:04.800 I kept just not being motivated to write. 253 00:14:04.800 --> 00:14:09.200 And I think part of it was I don't like, it's hard for me to go there. 254 00:14:09.760 --> 00:14:11.680 It's hard for me mentally and emotionally. 255 00:14:12.640 --> 00:14:18.720 And even when I talked to you about it, I felt like I was triggered for four or five days after. 256 00:14:19.520 --> 00:14:28.240 And then last night she had posted on Facebook about how she's on this new HBO mini series 257 00:14:28.240 --> 00:14:32.000 about NXIVM and she's already spoken out about it and everything. 258 00:14:32.000 --> 00:14:36.080 And, you know, they're in trouble and he's in prison and all that. 259 00:14:36.880 --> 00:14:40.560 And I don't know if what was happening in my group was that dramatic. 260 00:14:40.560 --> 00:14:42.720 I don't know if there was a sexual component or not. 261 00:14:42.720 --> 00:14:44.800 I have heard rumors, but I don't know for sure. 262 00:14:45.040 --> 00:14:50.080 And so I was working on it last night because all this stuff was coming up for me, like, 263 00:14:51.280 --> 00:14:53.040 why am I not able to speak out? 264 00:14:53.040 --> 00:14:56.320 Why am I not able to, you know, write this book? 265 00:14:56.320 --> 00:14:57.680 Why is the Lord not… 266 00:15:00.800 --> 00:15:08.000 allowing me to kind of fight for these groups not being in existence because they're so damaging 267 00:15:09.280 --> 00:15:18.000 and I just felt like sad I think that maybe because he stopped me or that I feel like 268 00:15:18.000 --> 00:15:24.240 something's on my heart that I don't know that this is what I should be doing and that I'm 269 00:15:24.240 --> 00:15:29.280 trying to help people through my set free academy with the stuff that they're going through and 270 00:15:30.160 --> 00:15:33.920 and that's going well I've got three clients and that's going well and it's relatively new 271 00:15:35.760 --> 00:15:42.720 but I think I'm just struggling because I've been triggered this week and then I realized 272 00:15:42.720 --> 00:15:50.240 my email inbox was pretty full and my computer was slowing down so I went and sort of organized them 273 00:15:50.240 --> 00:15:54.880 by size so I could delete some of the biggest ones and there were all these emails from the 274 00:15:54.880 --> 00:16:00.400 group and there were emails from Julia who I told you about who was my friend who walked away 275 00:16:01.680 --> 00:16:11.040 and it just triggered me more so this the whole thing and I was having these dreams and 276 00:16:12.800 --> 00:16:15.120 I don't know just like all this stuff was coming back 277 00:16:17.040 --> 00:16:20.480 and this happens once in a while it doesn't happen very often anymore but 278 00:16:21.360 --> 00:16:28.720 I still get the triggers sometimes and I know it's okay that I'm not completely past it I know 279 00:16:28.720 --> 00:16:35.440 it's okay that I still get triggered I'm not hard on myself about that because it was really traumatic 280 00:16:35.440 --> 00:16:41.440 so you know I know God has done a great thing in me since then and I believe that 281 00:16:43.520 --> 00:16:49.840 but I was struggling with that I was struggling to be in rest around that and then kind of in 282 00:16:49.840 --> 00:16:57.680 addition to that we had a group of people over well first we had we had a music and drama party 283 00:16:57.680 --> 00:17:01.680 for our church like creative arts team on Friday night which I went to and my friend Carrie was 284 00:17:01.680 --> 00:17:06.800 one of the ones who came she sings with me and she was one of the ones who came to the group and 285 00:17:06.800 --> 00:17:11.920 knew it was a cult and went back and told my pastor she and I are super super close so 286 00:17:13.119 --> 00:17:17.760 when we when we're together we're just like glue we're stuck to we're always talking and it's great 287 00:17:17.760 --> 00:17:25.680 conversation yeah she's awesome and so we um so we sat together and we were talking and then the 288 00:17:25.680 --> 00:17:30.960 bugs started coming out so we went and sat we were like hey we're leaving the party so then we left 289 00:17:30.960 --> 00:17:37.440 and then we went and sat in her car for like an hour and talked and just she was telling me um 290 00:17:37.440 --> 00:17:44.160 and I'm sorry you said this was last night this was um this was on Friday night okay and then when 291 00:17:44.160 --> 00:17:48.880 we were talking about it she was telling me some of the because her experience of this group was 292 00:17:49.520 --> 00:17:54.160 you know pretty dramatic as well like she came she came home from that week away at the advanced 293 00:17:54.160 --> 00:17:59.280 leadership course and she couldn't go to work for two weeks she's a teacher and she had acute 294 00:17:59.280 --> 00:18:06.160 stress syndrome and she had to go to therapy and she was just a mess she cried constantly for two 295 00:18:06.160 --> 00:18:14.880 weeks what is acute stress syndrome I mean it's almost like PTSD but not as bad huh okay that was 296 00:18:14.880 --> 00:18:20.640 one week being with this woman basically Jamie was the problem she was the one that my friends were 297 00:18:20.640 --> 00:18:25.680 like they they prayed at one point I don't know if I told you this but the last day they were there 298 00:18:26.800 --> 00:18:31.760 they were really scared because they realized what it was but they didn't know and I was still 299 00:18:31.760 --> 00:18:38.480 involved and they were like how do we get Alana out how do we are we right we think we're right 300 00:18:38.480 --> 00:18:44.960 but let's pray so they held hands and they prayed and they're like God give us a sign give us a word 301 00:18:44.960 --> 00:18:50.880 give us something so we know what this really is and so at the same time they both got shivers going 302 00:18:50.880 --> 00:18:57.200 up their arms and in their mind they both heard a word one of them heard counterfeit and the other 303 00:18:57.200 --> 00:19:04.960 one heard false prophet did I tell you this part no no okay so they were just terrified and they 304 00:19:04.960 --> 00:19:08.640 ended up sleeping in the same little cot that night together because it was the last night at 305 00:19:08.640 --> 00:19:14.800 the ranch and the ranch is in the middle of nowhere and they were scared so the next morning um Carrie 306 00:19:14.800 --> 00:19:19.440 and I were sitting together on the bus to go to the airport and Jamie came on the bus looking for me 307 00:19:19.440 --> 00:19:24.320 because I had been in resistance to her that week because my friends were thinking it was this and 308 00:19:24.320 --> 00:19:29.760 she knew what was going on and she was still like in that grooming phase with me and I was like 309 00:19:29.760 --> 00:19:34.880 trying to break away from it and I was just in massive resistance to her at this point but I still 310 00:19:35.440 --> 00:19:40.560 didn't know what was going on so she came on the bus in the morning at like 6 a.m looking for me 311 00:19:40.560 --> 00:19:45.120 at least I thought she was looking for me and Carrie was sitting beside me praying like God 312 00:19:45.120 --> 00:19:50.960 don't let her see me don't let her see us she was so scared and so for whatever reason we're sitting 313 00:19:50.960 --> 00:19:54.960 literally behind the bus driver and she's at the front of the bus looking over the whole bus 314 00:19:54.960 --> 00:19:59.680 and she does not see us and so she gets off the bus about 315 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:04.280 20 minutes later, she texts me and she's like, I didn't see you this morning. 316 00:20:04.320 --> 00:20:07.880 I, you know, so then we knew, cause I was like, I think she's looking for me. 317 00:20:07.880 --> 00:20:09.720 So we knew at that point. 318 00:20:10.680 --> 00:20:11.760 And that's how she was. 319 00:20:11.800 --> 00:20:14.720 She would just try to get in there a little bit when she knew. 320 00:20:15.480 --> 00:20:22.040 And so I, and at that point, like I was, I had been so abused and, and I was so 321 00:20:22.040 --> 00:20:26.640 down, torn down that I didn't even really know what to do. 322 00:20:26.640 --> 00:20:28.480 Like, I honestly didn't know how to get rid of her. 323 00:20:28.480 --> 00:20:30.920 Cause I didn't know who I was without her at that point. 324 00:20:31.440 --> 00:20:34.720 Cause she had just been commanded my life at that point. 325 00:20:34.760 --> 00:20:38.800 She became this pivotal figure in my life that was like, you can do 326 00:20:38.800 --> 00:20:42.160 this and you can do that, but you are currently like, we talked about this, 327 00:20:42.160 --> 00:20:45.960 this, and this, and in order to be this, you need to do this, this, and this. 328 00:20:46.320 --> 00:20:47.840 And right now you're basically. 329 00:20:48.440 --> 00:20:51.360 Like the garbage and you're going to be amazing, but we got 330 00:20:51.360 --> 00:20:52.680 to figure that out together. 331 00:20:53.240 --> 00:20:57.680 So anyway, I, um, so Carrie and I were talking a bit about that and her 332 00:20:57.680 --> 00:21:00.360 experience of Jamie that morning was that she was gray. 333 00:21:01.040 --> 00:21:03.960 She saw this gray film over her. 334 00:21:03.960 --> 00:21:05.480 Like her skin was gray. 335 00:21:05.480 --> 00:21:07.880 She saw these interesting things. 336 00:21:08.480 --> 00:21:11.280 And then she was sharing about another experience recently with someone 337 00:21:11.280 --> 00:21:13.400 else who was involved in this really. 338 00:21:14.000 --> 00:21:17.480 Evil kind of situation who she also saw as gray. 339 00:21:17.480 --> 00:21:19.400 And those are the only two times that ever happened. 340 00:21:20.080 --> 00:21:23.600 And she doesn't understand why, like, we don't know why that was, but, um, 341 00:21:23.800 --> 00:21:26.680 but in the, she sees things in the spirit that are, I guess, things 342 00:21:26.680 --> 00:21:28.400 that I'm not able to see at this point. 343 00:21:29.000 --> 00:21:34.080 So she, so what we talked about it, and then I was just the whole, 344 00:21:34.360 --> 00:21:37.080 ever since our conversation, I know. 345 00:21:37.080 --> 00:21:40.920 And it's not because of our, of anything you said it was because I. 346 00:21:41.600 --> 00:21:44.600 Opened myself up to sharing it again, which I wanted to do with you. 347 00:21:44.600 --> 00:21:50.720 Cause I knew this was an area where I needed to experience more rest, but 348 00:21:50.720 --> 00:21:56.560 then yesterday we had a bunch of people over and I was pretty happy 349 00:21:56.560 --> 00:21:58.280 but then I started feeling stressed. 350 00:21:59.720 --> 00:22:02.360 And it just, I don't know. 351 00:22:02.360 --> 00:22:03.560 I just wasn't at rest. 352 00:22:03.560 --> 00:22:04.600 I wasn't at peace. 353 00:22:05.720 --> 00:22:08.760 My daughter was just coming up to me constantly asking me for things. 354 00:22:08.760 --> 00:22:11.280 And I was trying to visit with these people I haven't seen in months that 355 00:22:11.280 --> 00:22:12.920 are at our house and we're hosting. 356 00:22:14.880 --> 00:22:19.360 And I just, I don't know, like the whole day, I just felt really stressed 357 00:22:19.360 --> 00:22:24.520 and a couple of things happened, which just brought me back down more. 358 00:22:24.680 --> 00:22:34.040 And so all this was going on for me and I want to be in this place of rest 359 00:22:34.040 --> 00:22:39.040 and I want to be in the spirit and I don't know, I don't really know 360 00:22:39.040 --> 00:22:44.000 what's going on exactly and what's stopping me, but that's kind of 361 00:22:44.000 --> 00:22:45.400 what's coming up for me today. 362 00:22:47.360 --> 00:22:47.720 Yeah. 363 00:22:48.520 --> 00:22:53.240 Well, it's something, you know, I want to encourage you in. 364 00:22:54.680 --> 00:23:00.320 That this is, that this is obviously the, and you might already know this, 365 00:23:00.320 --> 00:23:06.120 I just want to say it, that if this is normal progression is God, we come 366 00:23:06.120 --> 00:23:10.960 to understand aspects of like what it means to move into rest and he gives us, 367 00:23:11.600 --> 00:23:18.800 he allows us to see that, hey, look, you are moving in the right direction, 368 00:23:19.000 --> 00:23:25.080 you know, and, and this is, and I am, you know, I am affirming to you that, 369 00:23:25.080 --> 00:23:27.600 that, that I am here and that this is me. 370 00:23:27.600 --> 00:23:29.760 This is my, this is my character. 371 00:23:29.760 --> 00:23:33.520 This is, this is how, this is how I view you. 372 00:23:33.720 --> 00:23:34.000 Yes. 373 00:23:34.000 --> 00:23:35.200 I am that good. 374 00:23:35.440 --> 00:23:37.360 I am that loving, you know, whatever. 375 00:23:37.840 --> 00:23:41.640 And then, and so, so we can kind of like start to get a bit 376 00:23:41.640 --> 00:23:43.360 of a start, a bit of a hold on it. 377 00:23:43.400 --> 00:23:47.640 Then he like starts to move into the areas where it's like, okay, these 378 00:23:47.640 --> 00:23:51.240 are the areas in which you were really, really captive, where 379 00:23:51.240 --> 00:23:52.680 you believe that you're captive. 380 00:23:52.720 --> 00:23:54.640 And he's like, I want us to move. 381 00:23:54.680 --> 00:23:56.800 I want you to have freedom, you know, in those areas. 382 00:23:56.800 --> 00:23:58.720 So I just wanted to give you encouragement, which you probably 383 00:23:58.720 --> 00:24:03.960 already knew, but when you're in these situations and until I really, 384 00:24:03.960 --> 00:24:06.280 really chose, until I really accepted. 385 00:24:07.240 --> 00:24:13.480 That it was hard for me to be at rest and then, and then to find myself 386 00:24:13.480 --> 00:24:18.280 triggered, especially in a very major way again, because it felt like, well, 387 00:24:18.800 --> 00:24:27.320 it, I, um, it felt like I, um, uh, that what it is that I had experienced 388 00:24:27.320 --> 00:24:32.040 prior to that was a fluke and that now I was the rubber is really meeting 389 00:24:32.040 --> 00:24:35.560 the road here and it's proving that it's just not true, you know? 390 00:24:35.680 --> 00:24:38.480 So I just wanted to say that you may not need that encouragement. 391 00:24:38.520 --> 00:24:38.960 I did. 392 00:24:40.440 --> 00:24:42.000 The Lord had to encourage me in that. 393 00:24:42.080 --> 00:24:47.000 So I just wanted to say that it's, this is normal that, uh, that, you know, we 394 00:24:47.080 --> 00:24:52.200 were in rest and then, and we're not in rest and, um, uh, and, and it gets to, 395 00:24:52.240 --> 00:24:55.600 the Lord starts dealing with the really big things, the areas in which we're, 396 00:24:55.680 --> 00:24:58.080 um, that we really do feel enslaved. 397 00:24:59.000 --> 00:24:59.200 Um, 398 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:08.840 So as far as the, okay, well, but though, okay, so remind me, 399 00:25:09.320 --> 00:25:11.680 because I was trying to get the connection between what you were 400 00:25:11.680 --> 00:25:14.120 talking about feeling unrest because of the cult, and then 401 00:25:14.120 --> 00:25:17.000 what happened yesterday. But you're just saying that there 402 00:25:17.000 --> 00:25:19.720 were just a slew of things one right after the other. Like, I 403 00:25:19.720 --> 00:25:22.400 don't remember when you said that the emails were, but you 404 00:25:22.400 --> 00:25:25.840 said that that kind of started setting you off. And then, so 405 00:25:25.840 --> 00:25:30.680 what happened on Friday, that, that with your friend, I think 406 00:25:30.680 --> 00:25:34.160 I'm confusing timelines of what it is you were saying, and when 407 00:25:34.160 --> 00:25:36.400 it happened. So what happened on Friday, when you were with your 408 00:25:36.400 --> 00:25:38.080 friend, what part of the story that you told me? 409 00:25:38.600 --> 00:25:45.000 I think it's just the whole week being involved with seeing kind 410 00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:48.520 of seeing people again, seeing Carrie, who I haven't seen for 411 00:25:48.520 --> 00:25:52.760 a while, and us having a conversation about it, and about 412 00:25:52.760 --> 00:25:55.400 her seeing this other person in the same way, which makes me 413 00:25:55.400 --> 00:26:01.160 again, believe that Jamie might have some evil inside her. I 414 00:26:01.160 --> 00:26:03.680 don't know how to explain it, what's going on inside her. But 415 00:26:05.480 --> 00:26:08.080 and then I was having some dreams. And then I saw the 416 00:26:08.080 --> 00:26:12.520 emails from Julia and from the group that went back to when I 417 00:26:12.520 --> 00:26:15.280 was involved in the group that I was deleting, and that was on 418 00:26:15.280 --> 00:26:20.840 Friday. And then it just kind of I think it was a culmination of 419 00:26:20.840 --> 00:26:26.320 everything. And yesterday, I realized I was so I was so not 420 00:26:26.440 --> 00:26:30.560 at rest. And these people were here again. And I wanted to make 421 00:26:30.560 --> 00:26:33.480 the day good. And they I was just constantly asking me 422 00:26:33.480 --> 00:26:38.200 questions. And then I got upset with her. And like over over 423 00:26:38.200 --> 00:26:44.560 upset over not not just a little bit like I was like, I was not I 424 00:26:44.560 --> 00:26:46.840 don't know, I just I just was stressed. And then I sort of 425 00:26:46.840 --> 00:26:52.600 took it out on her. And, and she was just being needy and wanting 426 00:26:52.600 --> 00:26:56.640 love and wanting support. And I was in a space where I just felt 427 00:26:56.640 --> 00:26:59.520 like I couldn't give it to her like I was when I was in the 428 00:26:59.520 --> 00:27:03.920 group, and I couldn't give it to her. And so it just I think the 429 00:27:03.920 --> 00:27:10.840 whole process of it has. Yeah, just left my. Yeah, it's just 430 00:27:10.840 --> 00:27:12.200 everything mixed together. 431 00:27:12.280 --> 00:27:15.280 So yeah, okay. Yeah, I just want to make sure that I understood 432 00:27:15.280 --> 00:27:20.400 what you're saying. So I could talk to it. And I feel like I'm 433 00:27:20.400 --> 00:27:24.240 going to go a bit backwards here. But we're going to start 434 00:27:24.240 --> 00:27:27.440 here just because it's on my it's on my mind. And you're 435 00:27:27.440 --> 00:27:33.560 talking about about being concerned that, you know, I felt 436 00:27:33.560 --> 00:27:38.040 like I just didn't have what it is that she that she needed from 437 00:27:38.040 --> 00:27:44.000 me, whatever. Remember that, that in rest, we always have 438 00:27:44.120 --> 00:27:48.080 what it is that they need. We no longer have to worry that 439 00:27:48.120 --> 00:27:52.040 there's that we know, we don't have to approach with this idea 440 00:27:52.040 --> 00:27:54.600 that there's an agenda that we're trying to accomplish, 441 00:27:54.640 --> 00:27:58.440 like, oh, they're coming to me with x need, I need to meet x 442 00:27:58.440 --> 00:28:03.160 need. We and like, how do I do it? Let's pull together my 443 00:28:03.160 --> 00:28:06.720 resources that I've done from experience, and how I've 444 00:28:06.720 --> 00:28:11.120 interacted with her before in and in how I know that that 445 00:28:11.120 --> 00:28:15.000 someone needs to needs to feel that they're loved or feel that 446 00:28:15.000 --> 00:28:18.560 they're being paid attention to or whatever. If we just allow 447 00:28:18.560 --> 00:28:21.160 ourselves to be you know, I understand you weren't in rest, 448 00:28:21.160 --> 00:28:23.680 I'm just addressing it. Thank you. Because I think that if I 449 00:28:23.680 --> 00:28:29.480 if I don't address it now, I'm going to forget. But in and that 450 00:28:29.480 --> 00:28:32.720 is just the fact that if we if we just allow ourselves to be 451 00:28:32.760 --> 00:28:35.400 in then and shift into that place, and we put on our own 452 00:28:35.400 --> 00:28:38.680 oxygen mask first, we will naturally give them what it is 453 00:28:38.680 --> 00:28:43.320 that they need. So, so in other words, it's very, we don't want 454 00:28:43.320 --> 00:28:46.480 have to worry that Oh, am I in a space? Am I not in a space? Am 455 00:28:46.480 --> 00:28:51.600 I? I'm very caught up with me right now. I'm like trying to 456 00:28:51.600 --> 00:28:56.120 hang on and whatever. Yes, if we put on our own oxygen mask 457 00:28:56.120 --> 00:28:59.640 first, and you can do it in a moment, you can shift into rest 458 00:28:59.640 --> 00:29:06.120 in a moment. And the more that I do this, the faster the the the 459 00:29:06.160 --> 00:29:11.160 easier it is for me to do in a moment when I'm not at rest and 460 00:29:11.160 --> 00:29:15.000 something needs and something needs something for me, I can 461 00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:17.880 shift into rest immediately, and then give it what it is that 462 00:29:17.880 --> 00:29:21.560 they that they need. And I was in a situation not that long ago 463 00:29:21.560 --> 00:29:25.760 with some children where I was I was encountering that where I 464 00:29:25.760 --> 00:29:30.000 was, I was being threatened to not be at rest. And then and 465 00:29:30.000 --> 00:29:32.920 then the children would come up to me and in my mind is 466 00:29:32.920 --> 00:29:36.920 spinning with like, actually, they need they need you they 467 00:29:36.920 --> 00:29:40.280 need something from you shift into rest. And then I just 468 00:29:40.280 --> 00:29:43.440 interacted with them. I didn't think what is it that they need? 469 00:29:43.760 --> 00:29:47.320 I shifted into rest and then I automatically did things and I 470 00:29:47.440 --> 00:29:51.360 I didn't make a decision. I didn't have an agenda. I mean, 471 00:29:51.400 --> 00:29:54.840 meaning like a conscious decision, I just operated and 472 00:29:54.840 --> 00:29:57.120 they they got what it is that they needed, which was 473 00:29:57.120 --> 00:30:00.080 attention. It was love. It was feeling valued. 474 00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.080 all of that. Us are having all of these ideas and things to tell them about and ways to interact 475 00:30:04.080 --> 00:30:10.000 with them. They calmed down and then they went away and played on their own. But our mom was, 476 00:30:11.200 --> 00:30:17.200 you know, being really, really upset because she wasn't putting on her own oxygen mask. She was, 477 00:30:17.200 --> 00:30:24.160 she was cutting herself off, trying to hit, trying to survive, blindly doing what she needed to do 478 00:30:24.160 --> 00:30:28.880 to try to manage her children. And so they were constantly continuing to come after her. But when 479 00:30:28.880 --> 00:30:33.520 they would come after me, I put on my own oxygen mask first, not realizing that that's what I was 480 00:30:33.520 --> 00:30:37.520 doing, but I just thought I've got to be in rest. And then I started interacting with them and they 481 00:30:37.520 --> 00:30:42.240 got what they needed and they were self-sufficient so they could start entertaining themselves 482 00:30:42.240 --> 00:30:48.080 because they no longer just needed me. So anyway, the thing is that I just wanted to mention that 483 00:30:48.080 --> 00:30:53.440 because it was the last thing you said. And I thought, well, I didn't want it to get lost 484 00:30:53.440 --> 00:30:58.320 in the middle of everything else that we were going to talk about. But before I continue, 485 00:30:58.320 --> 00:31:01.680 would you let me, would you excuse me for just a second to run to the restroom? 486 00:31:02.400 --> 00:31:05.680 Yeah, for sure. I'm sorry. Just one moment. Yeah, no, it's all good. 487 00:32:28.320 --> 00:32:40.320 Thank you. 488 00:32:45.680 --> 00:32:50.080 I just dropped my water. I was trying to grab it and I knocked it on the floor. 489 00:32:51.040 --> 00:33:02.240 All right. Okay, yeah, no problem. I was going to ask you, so when that mother that was with you, 490 00:33:03.360 --> 00:33:08.640 she would have probably been in the position I was in where I felt like I wasn't at rest and I 491 00:33:08.640 --> 00:33:13.680 didn't know how to be at rest in that moment because I had so many things going on and I was 492 00:33:13.680 --> 00:33:22.800 triggered by a whole bunch of things and I just wasn't at my best. And I feel like when I'm at my 493 00:33:22.800 --> 00:33:27.680 best, I can shift into rest really well. And I've been doing really well with it this week, 494 00:33:29.200 --> 00:33:32.480 especially around her. And I've noticed a difference, but yesterday 495 00:33:32.480 --> 00:33:39.360 was just like a culmination of everything. And I wasn't able, yeah. So I'm just kind of curious. 496 00:33:40.160 --> 00:33:46.480 Yeah. No, I understand. Go ahead. Yeah. I was just saying like, what do you do in those 497 00:33:46.480 --> 00:33:52.560 situations? I know I can choose it in an instant, but I was so bogged down with like 498 00:33:53.360 --> 00:33:59.680 stress in the moment that I just didn't know how. Yeah. No, no, no. That's fine. Remember, 499 00:33:59.680 --> 00:34:04.320 there is no condemnation. I was just talking about a principle and wanted to make sure that 500 00:34:04.880 --> 00:34:11.520 I'd address that principle at some point, just so that you could know that things are, 501 00:34:12.239 --> 00:34:17.360 that that's how it works. And so therefore it's possible, but no, I completely understand that 502 00:34:17.360 --> 00:34:24.639 you are where, that you were where you were because you had not under, you had been struggling 503 00:34:24.639 --> 00:34:31.040 to shift into rest in those other areas. And therefore you were worn down. And when we're 504 00:34:31.040 --> 00:34:36.400 worn down something that we're able to do, usually, you know, all of a sudden we were 505 00:34:36.400 --> 00:34:42.480 struggling to be able to do because we're, we're something that's usually easier for us to do 506 00:34:43.120 --> 00:34:50.960 is suddenly very challenging because we feel weaker for lack of a better phrase. And yeah, 507 00:34:52.239 --> 00:34:58.880 again, though, just to let you know, I get to give you hope of what you can expect. 508 00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:06.320 as you progress in becoming more familiar with shifting 509 00:35:06.320 --> 00:35:08.720 into rest, is that you can discover 510 00:35:08.720 --> 00:35:14.680 that even when you are being triggered by things, 511 00:35:14.680 --> 00:35:20.160 like really big things, even when you are weary 512 00:35:20.160 --> 00:35:23.960 and you're like, OK, I'm really, really worn down, 513 00:35:23.960 --> 00:35:26.720 we actually, because it doesn't take any effort 514 00:35:26.720 --> 00:35:33.640 to shift into rest, strength or lack of strength 515 00:35:33.640 --> 00:35:36.960 doesn't affect our ability to shift into rest. 516 00:35:36.960 --> 00:35:39.440 Like, say, if we're dealing with this, we're like, OK, 517 00:35:39.440 --> 00:35:41.160 we can put that on the shelf for a second, 518 00:35:41.160 --> 00:35:45.320 because I don't, and I can shift into rest for my daughter, 519 00:35:45.320 --> 00:35:48.560 because it doesn't require any effort. 520 00:35:48.560 --> 00:35:53.040 Because shifting, we can't, we don't work to move into rest. 521 00:35:53.040 --> 00:35:55.440 We just let go. 522 00:35:55.440 --> 00:35:59.400 So anyway, just as hope, I understand that you didn't, 523 00:35:59.400 --> 00:36:04.600 that you're on the journey that you're on, 524 00:36:04.600 --> 00:36:06.600 and that you're just at the point 525 00:36:06.600 --> 00:36:10.360 where you didn't know how to do that, which is very normal. 526 00:36:10.360 --> 00:36:12.360 I still do that in certain areas. 527 00:36:12.360 --> 00:36:16.120 But I just, but there are certain areas 528 00:36:16.120 --> 00:36:19.400 in which I don't feel at rest. 529 00:36:19.400 --> 00:36:21.080 And like, for instance, that day when 530 00:36:21.080 --> 00:36:22.920 I was interacting with those children, 531 00:36:22.920 --> 00:36:28.680 there were areas that I was struggling to be at rest in. 532 00:36:28.680 --> 00:36:31.320 And yet, when it came to the children, 533 00:36:31.320 --> 00:36:39.120 I could just realize, OK, just dealing with them, 534 00:36:39.120 --> 00:36:44.240 I can shift into rest, and then begin to deal with them. 535 00:36:44.240 --> 00:36:47.400 And then when I didn't need to deal with them anymore, 536 00:36:47.400 --> 00:36:51.160 then unfortunately, I was threatened 537 00:36:51.160 --> 00:36:53.880 with picking up all of this other stuff all over again. 538 00:36:53.880 --> 00:36:57.600 So anyway, just to give you some hope, 539 00:36:57.600 --> 00:36:59.800 because my whole point in saying that is for us 540 00:36:59.800 --> 00:37:03.280 to know that even when we feel weary, 541 00:37:03.280 --> 00:37:05.360 and even when we feel weak, we're 542 00:37:05.360 --> 00:37:12.120 never at a place in which we cannot take up 543 00:37:12.120 --> 00:37:14.960 the inheritance that's rightfully ours. 544 00:37:14.960 --> 00:37:17.240 So it doesn't take any effort to move into rest. 545 00:37:17.240 --> 00:37:19.360 So weariness, not weariness, we can just shift in. 546 00:37:19.360 --> 00:37:22.840 So that's just hope for the future. 547 00:37:22.840 --> 00:37:27.840 And so yeah, so as far as all of the other things 548 00:37:27.840 --> 00:37:31.480 she was talking about, the fact that you felt triggered again, 549 00:37:31.480 --> 00:37:37.800 et cetera, so yeah, remember that, 550 00:37:37.800 --> 00:37:39.520 and I've talked about this before, 551 00:37:39.520 --> 00:37:41.560 and I'm just reiterating it, remember 552 00:37:41.560 --> 00:37:47.920 that we don't have to deal with trauma, memory triggers, 553 00:37:47.920 --> 00:37:53.800 whatever, in a specific way. 554 00:37:53.800 --> 00:37:58.840 We don't have to actually address them directly 555 00:37:58.840 --> 00:38:02.840 and intentionally for us to act to heal from them, 556 00:38:02.840 --> 00:38:06.280 and for us to be able to let them go. 557 00:38:06.280 --> 00:38:07.720 And by the letting them go, I'm not 558 00:38:07.720 --> 00:38:10.160 talking about the whole in a moment you're releasing. 559 00:38:10.160 --> 00:38:11.760 I'm talking about long term, you're 560 00:38:11.760 --> 00:38:14.960 really letting them all go. 561 00:38:14.960 --> 00:38:16.600 And there was something else I was going 562 00:38:16.600 --> 00:38:19.440 to say before I moved on, though. 563 00:38:19.440 --> 00:38:22.480 But anyway, so it'll come to me. 564 00:38:22.480 --> 00:38:29.360 But if we need to grab, if we need something 565 00:38:29.360 --> 00:38:31.120 to sink our teeth into, in other words, 566 00:38:31.120 --> 00:38:34.320 it's like, OK, it's all great and wonderful, my identity, 567 00:38:34.320 --> 00:38:36.120 understanding that I'm loved, understanding 568 00:38:36.120 --> 00:38:39.680 that I'm secular, that I accepted all of that, 569 00:38:39.680 --> 00:38:42.160 that's the most important thing for us to come back to. 570 00:38:42.160 --> 00:38:44.400 Because if we do that, if we understand that we 571 00:38:44.400 --> 00:38:49.480 are accepted by the Lord, meaning that we choose it, 572 00:38:49.480 --> 00:38:51.440 that we choose to step into that world, 573 00:38:51.440 --> 00:38:59.800 not that we simply allow the Lord to reveal to us 574 00:38:59.800 --> 00:39:01.360 that He loves us. 575 00:39:01.360 --> 00:39:08.480 No, we have to deliberately choose to risk our life 576 00:39:08.480 --> 00:39:12.600 and put it on, put everything on the table, 577 00:39:12.600 --> 00:39:16.320 our finances, our relationship, or what 578 00:39:16.320 --> 00:39:17.800 it is that we think about God, what 579 00:39:17.800 --> 00:39:20.360 it is that we think about ourselves, 580 00:39:20.360 --> 00:39:21.840 our business, whatever. 581 00:39:21.840 --> 00:39:24.240 Like, OK, God, I'm deliberately choosing 582 00:39:24.240 --> 00:39:29.400 to put it all on the table simply because you 583 00:39:29.400 --> 00:39:31.440 told me what you did. 584 00:39:31.440 --> 00:39:34.480 You said you'll provide for me. 585 00:39:34.480 --> 00:39:35.400 You protect me. 586 00:39:35.400 --> 00:39:36.600 You're my comforter. 587 00:39:36.600 --> 00:39:37.880 You love me, et cetera. 588 00:39:37.880 --> 00:39:39.960 And therefore, I'm all in. 589 00:39:39.960 --> 00:39:41.400 I'm risking everything. 590 00:39:41.400 --> 00:39:43.440 I'm not holding anything back, trying 591 00:39:43.440 --> 00:39:48.920 to protect myself from being disappointed by you 592 00:39:48.920 --> 00:39:51.320 or being vulnerable or anything. 593 00:39:51.320 --> 00:39:53.320 Like, even protecting from being disappointed, 594 00:39:53.320 --> 00:39:54.320 that's a really big one. 595 00:39:54.320 --> 00:39:57.120 That was something that I had to address to the Lord, 596 00:39:57.120 --> 00:39:59.960 I guess it was last week, that I. 597 00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:06.400 I had to repent and tell him, Lord, I understand and I acknowledge to you that I have been 598 00:40:06.400 --> 00:40:08.480 trying to protect myself from disappointment. 599 00:40:08.480 --> 00:40:13.800 Well, we're protecting ourselves from disappointment from the Lord, you know, internally means 600 00:40:13.800 --> 00:40:19.400 I'm not, I'm not choosing him and I'm not believing him because I'm expecting the disappointment. 601 00:40:19.400 --> 00:40:26.960 So anyway, things like that, but that if we deal, if we choose that God is as loving as 602 00:40:26.960 --> 00:40:29.960 he says that he is, that he's as good as he says that he is, that he's everything else 603 00:40:29.960 --> 00:40:30.960 that he says that he is. 604 00:40:30.960 --> 00:40:32.520 And that we are who he says that we are. 605 00:40:32.520 --> 00:40:36.720 In other words, if we believe God, if we choose, even if we don't believe it, but we choose 606 00:40:36.720 --> 00:40:46.580 that that's true, it, we, we, um, we then shift into acknowledging and living out of 607 00:40:46.580 --> 00:40:52.920 our new man, our identity, and that takes care of everything that takes care of all 608 00:40:52.920 --> 00:40:54.040 of our trauma. 609 00:40:54.040 --> 00:40:57.000 It takes care of all of our decision-making in our business. 610 00:40:57.000 --> 00:41:01.640 It takes care of our relationships and how to, how to navigate those. 611 00:41:01.640 --> 00:41:08.600 It takes care of how to make financial wise and spirit led financial decisions. 612 00:41:08.600 --> 00:41:10.300 It takes care of everything. 613 00:41:10.300 --> 00:41:11.800 So everything comes down to that. 614 00:41:11.800 --> 00:41:18.240 My point is that even though we understand that sometimes it can feel like a leap, especially 615 00:41:18.240 --> 00:41:19.720 in certain areas. 616 00:41:19.720 --> 00:41:24.960 And so if we need a leverage for our soul, there's nothing wrong with that. 617 00:41:24.960 --> 00:41:28.400 You watch the three realms teaching, right? 618 00:41:28.400 --> 00:41:30.680 The one about the spirit, soul, and body. 619 00:41:30.680 --> 00:41:31.680 Okay. 620 00:41:31.680 --> 00:41:36.440 So, um, in, in that one, remember that if we can't, if, if we're just struggling in 621 00:41:36.440 --> 00:41:41.640 a particular area to believe that he is, he says he is, and we are who he says that we 622 00:41:41.640 --> 00:41:43.680 are, we still choose it. 623 00:41:43.680 --> 00:41:46.680 Lord, I choose to believe that that is who you are. 624 00:41:46.680 --> 00:41:56.840 But my piece is at needing a, a tool to grab a hold of, to help myself in this particular 625 00:41:56.840 --> 00:41:59.640 area of like, say trauma or whatever. 626 00:41:59.640 --> 00:42:04.040 And then we can choose, uh, and then God's like, that is perfectly fine. 627 00:42:04.040 --> 00:42:05.040 It's perfectly fine. 628 00:42:05.040 --> 00:42:12.560 There's no condemnation in using a very specific trauma related tool using a principle that 629 00:42:12.560 --> 00:42:14.080 he created himself. 630 00:42:14.080 --> 00:42:19.840 But what I would recommend is that you, uh, to deal with all of this trauma, you know, 631 00:42:19.840 --> 00:42:25.120 and all of this and this unrest, et cetera, is yes, there are certain things that we can 632 00:42:25.120 --> 00:42:28.040 do like, oh, you release and you choose and all of that. 633 00:42:28.040 --> 00:42:32.600 It's very important for us to, to what it's important for us to choose first though, is 634 00:42:32.600 --> 00:42:42.880 that our, is that God's word and who it is that he says that we are to choose our identity. 635 00:42:42.880 --> 00:42:48.960 And, um, uh, so that's the first thing that we need to choose as opposed to like, um, 636 00:42:48.960 --> 00:42:52.720 other things like specific to the trauma, et cetera, that's most important because that'll 637 00:42:52.720 --> 00:42:54.640 deal with everything else. 638 00:42:54.640 --> 00:42:58.760 Um, I, I apologize. 639 00:42:58.760 --> 00:43:03.600 I feel, I know what I'm trying to say, but for whatever reason, I feel like I am all 640 00:43:03.600 --> 00:43:04.600 over the board. 641 00:43:04.600 --> 00:43:05.600 Um, 642 00:43:05.600 --> 00:43:11.480 And I, probably because I explained the story, I was almost going to do it in parts and then 643 00:43:11.480 --> 00:43:12.480 get your feedback. 644 00:43:12.480 --> 00:43:18.000 And then I just went for the whole thing, but, um, okay, so maybe, maybe we can go back 645 00:43:18.000 --> 00:43:23.740 to the beginning of what I talked about and just around. 646 00:43:23.740 --> 00:43:29.480 So the whole thing about my friend, Sarah, who is, you know, doing this, I think there's 647 00:43:29.480 --> 00:43:33.400 a part of me that's struggling with it because I wanted to write this book. 648 00:43:33.400 --> 00:43:38.040 I wanted to make people aware of what was going on in the world. 649 00:43:38.040 --> 00:43:43.560 I ended up reposting her post with like a post around that kind of thing, um, without 650 00:43:43.560 --> 00:43:46.600 mentioning anything specific about me. 651 00:43:46.600 --> 00:43:51.880 Um, and I think I'm struggling around, you know, I've got eight chapters of a book written. 652 00:43:51.880 --> 00:43:53.440 I know what I would write for the rest of it. 653 00:43:53.440 --> 00:43:54.440 I just haven't written it. 654 00:43:54.440 --> 00:43:57.920 Cause God kept, I don't know, maybe it was God, maybe it was the enemy. 655 00:43:57.920 --> 00:43:58.920 I don't know. 656 00:43:58.920 --> 00:44:02.120 But I kept feeling that it was, it was stopping me. 657 00:44:02.120 --> 00:44:05.960 Like I was just not able to move forward and not able to write. 658 00:44:05.960 --> 00:44:07.920 And it really shouldn't have been that difficult. 659 00:44:07.920 --> 00:44:12.000 And I don't know if part of it was because I don't want to be in that headspace anymore. 660 00:44:12.000 --> 00:44:17.380 But even though I want to bring awareness to people, I don't want to be like focused 661 00:44:17.380 --> 00:44:19.600 on it cause it's hard to focus on it. 662 00:44:19.600 --> 00:44:24.000 Um, yeah, it was only a month ago or a little over a month ago, the last time I talked to 663 00:44:24.000 --> 00:44:29.320 her and that will be the last time I talked to her for sure. 664 00:44:29.320 --> 00:44:31.640 But it hasn't really been that long. 665 00:44:31.640 --> 00:44:32.640 Sarah? 666 00:44:32.640 --> 00:44:33.640 No, Sarah. 667 00:44:33.720 --> 00:44:35.720 Sarah, I talked to the other day, but Jamie. 668 00:44:35.720 --> 00:44:36.720 Jamie. 669 00:44:36.720 --> 00:44:37.720 Okay. 670 00:44:37.720 --> 00:44:38.720 You talked to her a month ago? 671 00:44:38.720 --> 00:44:39.720 Her pseudonym. 672 00:44:39.720 --> 00:44:40.720 Um, yeah, correct. 673 00:44:40.720 --> 00:44:46.520 But yeah, the last time I talked to her was like maybe a month, a month and a half ago. 674 00:44:46.520 --> 00:44:51.240 And then after that conversation, I finally got the strength to block her and block a 675 00:44:51.240 --> 00:44:55.120 whole bunch of other people that are involved in the organization that I didn't know if 676 00:44:55.120 --> 00:44:59.640 they were her flying monkeys that were kind of like knowing what I was doing and stuff. 677 00:44:59.640 --> 00:45:00.640 So I. 678 00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:07.200 I just shut it down and and that felt a lot better to finally block and shut down. 679 00:45:07.920 --> 00:45:12.560 But it's like, am I supposed to not go back into that and write a book about it? Am I supposed to 680 00:45:12.560 --> 00:45:17.920 write a book because it's going to bring awareness? Why do I feel like I keep getting stopped? This 681 00:45:17.920 --> 00:45:23.440 editor that I was working with, he's not super happy with me because I could never move forward 682 00:45:24.400 --> 00:45:30.320 and I don't know. And then just the trigger of all of that. And then with Sarah doing her shows, 683 00:45:30.320 --> 00:45:34.320 doing her podcast, doing all this stuff, I'm like, man, she's able to speak out about it, 684 00:45:34.320 --> 00:45:41.760 but I'm not for whatever reason. Yeah. So why did you start writing the book? 685 00:45:43.120 --> 00:45:50.480 Well, I think part of it was for my healing because there was so much confusion that I 686 00:45:50.480 --> 00:45:55.600 wanted to make sense of it. So I did a lot of research on cults and how they work and 687 00:45:56.320 --> 00:46:01.600 narcissists and sociopaths and how they work. And I got a lot of clarity, 688 00:46:02.880 --> 00:46:09.520 which was awesome because it was really unclear for a while. Because of the gaslighting and stuff, 689 00:46:09.520 --> 00:46:16.560 I always believed it was my problem. And she never had a problem. She never did anything 690 00:46:16.560 --> 00:46:24.880 wrong. It was always me that was bad in some way. So I need to understand why. And I went from not 691 00:46:24.880 --> 00:46:30.480 even knowing what a narcissist was or what a cult actually was to all of a sudden being like an 692 00:46:30.480 --> 00:46:37.440 expert in both areas, which is hopefully going to be useful someday. But I thought I wanted to 693 00:46:37.440 --> 00:46:42.480 create awareness about these kinds of groups because I got involved in it as a Christian 694 00:46:42.480 --> 00:46:49.040 who was strong in my faith. And yet I got pulled away so easily. And I wanted to help people who 695 00:46:50.400 --> 00:46:54.720 that might happen to, to bring awareness. So I think it was to help me with my healing, 696 00:46:54.720 --> 00:46:59.920 which it did. And then I just kept feeling like the door was closing and I wasn't supposed to. 697 00:47:01.360 --> 00:47:04.640 Now, when you say that you felt like you weren't supposed to, were the words 698 00:47:05.200 --> 00:47:12.800 continuing to come and this desire to get it out was still coming, but you just felt that, 699 00:47:13.440 --> 00:47:16.720 I know when you said that you felt that you weren't supposed to, but I'm basically trying to 700 00:47:17.360 --> 00:47:22.960 ask where there's two warring factions of you. One that was just like, get it out. And then the 701 00:47:22.960 --> 00:47:30.880 other one was just like, stop. Or what? Trying to understand. That is what it felt like, yeah. 702 00:47:30.880 --> 00:47:35.920 Okay. So, and then, did you, when you were writing it, 703 00:47:38.000 --> 00:47:45.920 and when you think about it, about sending this baby out into the world, do you feel alive? 704 00:47:49.040 --> 00:47:50.080 I feel scared. 705 00:47:51.760 --> 00:47:55.920 You feel scared. What about when you write it and you think that no one's going to read it, 706 00:47:55.920 --> 00:48:03.760 do you feel alive? Like, even when you think about writing it, I mean like, oh, well, yeah, 707 00:48:03.760 --> 00:48:08.480 I can walk over to my desk right now. I can start writing. Do you feel alive? Like totally, 708 00:48:09.440 --> 00:48:12.320 totally, you know, ignoring whether or not anybody sees it. 709 00:48:13.440 --> 00:48:19.360 I don't feel excited. I feel, I feel like it brings back a lot of the trauma. 710 00:48:19.920 --> 00:48:24.800 Okay. So you, do you feel, okay. So you don't feel peace about it at all? 711 00:48:24.800 --> 00:48:30.160 I did at first. I did when I started writing it. I felt alive. I felt at peace. 712 00:48:30.960 --> 00:48:32.800 And I don't know what happened in between. 713 00:48:34.560 --> 00:48:36.320 All of a sudden, yeah. 714 00:48:37.040 --> 00:48:43.120 And then when you, when you feel that you, that you just felt you had to stop, how did this stop 715 00:48:43.680 --> 00:48:48.240 feel? Did it, were you suddenly just, were you suddenly afraid or were you suddenly unmotivated 716 00:48:48.240 --> 00:48:53.040 to write, suddenly unmotivated to research? Was, I mean, what was the, what was this, 717 00:48:53.040 --> 00:48:56.880 or was it just kind of like, no, I'm doing all of this. And there was like this train 718 00:48:56.880 --> 00:48:59.200 again, or, I mean, what, what was it? 719 00:49:00.080 --> 00:49:03.760 I think the combination, a combination of all of those things, there was, 720 00:49:05.200 --> 00:49:09.360 I think the enemy was causing a lot of fear in me because I would talk to my editor about it. 721 00:49:09.360 --> 00:49:12.080 And he's a strong Christian. So he was trying to talk me through it, but 722 00:49:13.120 --> 00:49:18.160 there was a fear about putting it out there. There was a fear about everything around it. 723 00:49:18.160 --> 00:49:21.280 Then there was a fear that it wasn't going to be read by anybody. There was a fear that 724 00:49:21.280 --> 00:49:25.120 it wasn't good enough. There was a fear that I didn't really know what I was talking about. 725 00:49:25.120 --> 00:49:28.320 There's a fear that what if I'm wrong and she's right, and I'm saying all these things, 726 00:49:28.320 --> 00:49:35.440 and I'm actually incorrect in my thinking. What if I'm just doing it because I'm, 727 00:49:35.760 --> 00:49:40.080 what if it's not from the pure place that I want it to be from about sharing my story, 728 00:49:40.080 --> 00:49:46.080 and it's actually about, you know, bringing them down, which doesn't feel as aligned with God. 729 00:49:47.040 --> 00:49:54.000 But even though I don't mention them or anything, it, and then, yeah, I mean, it just, 730 00:49:54.000 --> 00:49:56.880 I was on a trajectory that felt good. 731 00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:07.680 and then I just all of a sudden couldn't write anymore, like I couldn't and I 732 00:50:07.680 --> 00:50:12.960 wondered if it was because God wanted me to change the story and not have it just 733 00:50:12.960 --> 00:50:17.720 be about the group and that situation but be about my life and how that led to 734 00:50:17.720 --> 00:50:21.880 me getting involved in the group and how that led to my ultimate healing 735 00:50:21.880 --> 00:50:27.560 afterwards. And then I have fear because if I wrote the book about it that way I 736 00:50:27.560 --> 00:50:32.240 would, my mom, my dad, people who were in my life that I would be talking about 737 00:50:32.240 --> 00:50:37.200 with the abuse when I was young would know about it and it's not fair to them 738 00:50:37.200 --> 00:50:48.680 and it's just there's so many things going on around it. Yeah, okay so one of 739 00:50:48.680 --> 00:50:56.160 the things that comes to mind, let me grab my Bible really quick because I 740 00:50:56.160 --> 00:51:03.640 don't remember exactly where it is. Oh, it's in one of the churches, oops, 741 00:51:03.640 --> 00:51:12.240 one of the churches of Revelation, let me see here, where God talks about this. 742 00:51:12.240 --> 00:51:35.680 Okay, it was to Thyatira, okay, all right, so to Thyatira he talked to 743 00:51:35.680 --> 00:51:46.320 them about things he was saying. He said, I know you're in Revelation 2 744 00:51:46.320 --> 00:51:53.760 starting in, I don't know, say, we'll go to 19, says, I know your deeds, your love and 745 00:51:53.760 --> 00:51:58.720 faith, your service and perseverance and that you're doing more than you did at 746 00:51:58.720 --> 00:52:02.960 first. Nevertheless, I have this against you. You tolerate that woman Jezebel who 747 00:52:02.960 --> 00:52:07.400 calls herself a prophetess. Sorry, I'm making a point here, let's see, I've 748 00:52:07.400 --> 00:52:14.800 given her time to repent of her immorality. Okay, so it says, then 749 00:52:14.800 --> 00:52:17.840 all the children and then all the churches will know that I am he who 750 00:52:17.840 --> 00:52:21.920 searches hearts and minds and I will repay each of you according to your 751 00:52:21.920 --> 00:52:27.040 deeds. Now I say to the rest of you, in Thyatira, to you who do not hold to her 752 00:52:27.040 --> 00:52:35.440 teaching and have not learned Satan's so-called deep secrets, only hold on to 753 00:52:35.440 --> 00:52:40.360 what you have until until I come. So my point in saying that is, in pointing that 754 00:52:40.360 --> 00:52:45.480 out, is where it says, you know, and to those of you who don't know Satan's 755 00:52:45.480 --> 00:52:51.280 so-called deep secrets, he commended them. He was saying it's good to not know what 756 00:52:51.280 --> 00:52:59.040 the wicked do in secret. Now it's not that people don't, it's not that 757 00:52:59.040 --> 00:53:06.240 there is, that God, let me let me back up, God gives it to certain people, 758 00:53:06.240 --> 00:53:13.280 keep moving this thing around, gives it to certain people to understand 759 00:53:13.280 --> 00:53:21.640 things about Satan's strategies and how, and evil that goes on in the world, you 760 00:53:21.640 --> 00:53:27.760 know, say human trafficking and whatever, so that, because he has a particular, he 761 00:53:27.760 --> 00:53:32.080 has a particular purpose for them. He's like, hey, there are people who are in 762 00:53:32.080 --> 00:53:39.860 bondage in those areas and I desire for you to set them free by knowing all of 763 00:53:39.860 --> 00:53:45.420 these things in order to, in order to approach it from a particular, from a 764 00:53:45.420 --> 00:53:50.700 particular angle, because these people needs, need, and it's, it's, you know, think 765 00:53:50.700 --> 00:53:53.140 about kind of like down in the soul, like we're gonna talk about those three 766 00:53:53.140 --> 00:53:57.660 realms, like down in the soul, where they need something to grasp on to, they need 767 00:53:57.660 --> 00:54:01.340 something to kind of sink their teeth into, to get kind of like pull themselves 768 00:54:01.340 --> 00:54:05.300 forward, so it's like that, so there are a lot of deliverance ministries that know 769 00:54:05.300 --> 00:54:08.860 all of these deep dark secrets of Satan and how this works and the splitting of 770 00:54:08.860 --> 00:54:14.300 souls and, whoops, the splitting of souls and all of these really creepy 771 00:54:14.300 --> 00:54:21.220 things, and then there are other people that, and, and God, God provides pastors 772 00:54:21.220 --> 00:54:26.540 and coaches and people to minister to people where they're at, because if 773 00:54:26.540 --> 00:54:31.700 certain people are having a difficult time, desire, and don't desire to shift 774 00:54:31.700 --> 00:54:35.420 into the spirit, they're like, no, I need too much of the tangible, I need too much 775 00:54:35.420 --> 00:54:40.060 of the carnal, I need too much of the, of the hands-on tips, tricks, and tools, God 776 00:54:40.060 --> 00:54:45.660 provides people to speak into their lives, because he's very passionate about 777 00:54:45.660 --> 00:54:53.540 people, about the captives being set free, so he will put people where other people 778 00:54:53.540 --> 00:54:59.100 are looking for people to help them know how to be set free, so he teaches, he 779 00:54:59.100 --> 00:55:02.100 allows certain people 780 00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:09.280 people to learn these deep, dark secrets of the underworld and keeps them from being corrupted, 781 00:55:09.280 --> 00:55:14.960 keeps them safe, where they're almost like a catalyst, where they can learn about all 782 00:55:14.960 --> 00:55:21.120 of these things without being affected by the evil, the demonic, and whatever, while 783 00:55:21.120 --> 00:55:26.640 other people just can't handle it without being sucked in. 784 00:55:26.640 --> 00:55:34.960 My point is that God gives it to certain people to do, but he doesn't give it to everyone, 785 00:55:34.960 --> 00:55:44.160 meaning that, and then here in Thyatira, he was basically saying it's shameful to know 786 00:55:44.160 --> 00:55:51.040 that, it's not the word he used, so that's a really bad example to give, but he was just 787 00:55:51.040 --> 00:55:57.360 saying that it's good to not know if you don't know the deep, dark secrets of Satan. 788 00:55:57.360 --> 00:56:04.000 So in other words, he's like, it's not needed in order to be set free, but yet God does 789 00:56:07.040 --> 00:56:13.440 still allow certain people to learn about all of those things, to help other people who are in 790 00:56:13.440 --> 00:56:18.560 that area of life looking for help, so that they'll find help, because he's a good father. 791 00:56:18.560 --> 00:56:23.520 He's like, where are my people looking, and even though they have the opportunity to move 792 00:56:23.520 --> 00:56:27.440 into greater freedom and greater rest, if they feel that they need to know something 793 00:56:27.440 --> 00:56:33.120 and to understand something in order to get a grip on it, in order to move forward, I will 794 00:56:33.120 --> 00:56:37.280 give them a tool, and I will give them the people that they need in order to learn and know the 795 00:56:37.280 --> 00:56:42.880 tools. My point is that God does provide grace over certain people, over people's lives to know 796 00:56:42.880 --> 00:56:51.200 and understand that. So I wanted to say all of this to say that the way that God set up the world, 797 00:56:52.400 --> 00:57:02.480 you are free to not have to learn, understand, write, or what is the word, 798 00:57:02.800 --> 00:57:13.760 expose what all of these people do in secret. That is not your burden. It might be something 799 00:57:13.760 --> 00:57:20.160 that God has given you the grace to be able to do, because there are people that that book would help, 800 00:57:21.760 --> 00:57:28.320 but he doesn't give it to everyone to learn all of those things, 801 00:57:28.320 --> 00:57:36.240 immerse themselves in that, and write the book. He gives it to some people and not to others. 802 00:57:37.440 --> 00:57:43.120 The thing is that I'm wondering if you're, and I don't know what yours is, I don't know what he's 803 00:57:43.120 --> 00:57:48.800 called you to do, I wanted you to know that just because you've experienced something and 804 00:57:49.760 --> 00:57:57.680 does not mean that you have to continually expose yourself to something 805 00:57:58.560 --> 00:58:07.360 in order to help other people, because other people can be helped by more than just 806 00:58:08.240 --> 00:58:14.880 learning about the difficulties and the evil that you were exposed to. 807 00:58:15.760 --> 00:58:21.200 They don't have to know the deep, dark secrets of Satan in order to be saved out of them. 808 00:58:22.080 --> 00:58:28.880 They don't even have to know that God has 809 00:58:28.880 --> 00:58:35.280 multiple ways of exposing people. In fact, you expose the darkness by exposing it to the light, 810 00:58:36.080 --> 00:58:41.040 as opposed to focusing on the darkness. It's like, no, what's the light? And then the light will 811 00:58:41.040 --> 00:58:46.960 naturally make very evident what the darkness is without the darkness even having to be addressed. 812 00:58:46.960 --> 00:58:52.720 I don't know what he's calling you to. I'm just putting out something there that maybe you hadn't 813 00:58:52.720 --> 00:59:01.200 thought of so that you can see in your spirit with the Lord where it is that you feel your, 814 00:59:01.200 --> 00:59:07.520 where you feel your spirit has life. Does it feel life in writing the book and exposing these things 815 00:59:07.520 --> 00:59:17.040 because God's given you the grace to do so? Or do you feel that you have a heart for them, 816 00:59:17.600 --> 00:59:26.240 but God has given you the freedom to reach people and to really help proclaim 817 00:59:26.240 --> 00:59:31.920 freedom to the captives by focusing on the light without having to focus on the darkness, 818 00:59:32.880 --> 00:59:36.320 without talking about it, expose yourself to it. Does that all make sense? 819 00:59:36.320 --> 00:59:38.240 Yeah, so- Both of them are used by God. 820 00:59:39.040 --> 00:59:42.560 Pardon me? All of it can be used by- Both of them are used by God. Yes, 821 00:59:42.560 --> 00:59:50.160 but I don't know what he's calling, what he is offering you to be a part of. 822 00:59:50.160 --> 00:59:56.240 I feel like the light part of it would be my Set Free Academy because that's come from 823 00:59:57.280 --> 00:59:59.840 a lot of my pain and trauma. And in this situation, 824 01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:02.300 losing my identity and all of that, 825 01:00:02.300 --> 01:00:05.820 and building it up again in God's image 826 01:00:05.820 --> 01:00:08.100 with that foundation of his, you know, 827 01:00:08.100 --> 01:00:10.360 who we are in him and our worth and value in him, 828 01:00:10.360 --> 01:00:11.860 not in the world and all of those things. 829 01:00:11.860 --> 01:00:16.860 So I feel like that program in itself is like the light. 830 01:00:17.020 --> 01:00:19.380 And I've really enjoyed working on that. 831 01:00:19.380 --> 01:00:22.780 And I would love to have more people come into that program. 832 01:00:22.780 --> 01:00:25.620 The darkness for me is going into 833 01:00:26.620 --> 01:00:27.900 all of the stuff that happened, 834 01:00:27.900 --> 01:00:30.540 which for the most part I understand. 835 01:00:30.540 --> 01:00:33.320 I don't think I'm in confusion like I was before. 836 01:00:35.060 --> 01:00:37.100 Once in a while pops up, but not like it did 837 01:00:37.100 --> 01:00:40.380 when it was before it was like, it was crazy making. 838 01:00:41.660 --> 01:00:46.660 And I feel like that kind of represents the darkness maybe. 839 01:00:47.180 --> 01:00:50.580 And I also feel like God has called me 840 01:00:50.580 --> 01:00:53.340 to a certain extent to expose it. 841 01:00:53.340 --> 01:00:56.500 But how do I expose it without going into the darkness 842 01:00:56.500 --> 01:00:59.240 and like expose it by bringing it into the light? 843 01:01:01.660 --> 01:01:06.660 So you feel that when I was talking about the exposing, 844 01:01:07.460 --> 01:01:10.820 specifically I was talking about talking about the darkness 845 01:01:10.820 --> 01:01:12.620 and then having to research it 846 01:01:12.620 --> 01:01:14.580 and learn all of those things. 847 01:01:14.580 --> 01:01:19.100 I don't know a whole lot about cults. 848 01:01:19.100 --> 01:01:21.900 I know some of it, you know, I know brainwashing 849 01:01:21.900 --> 01:01:23.620 and I know there's sexual stuff involved. 850 01:01:23.620 --> 01:01:26.780 I've talked to people who've been in satanic cults before, 851 01:01:26.780 --> 01:01:29.340 people who reached out to me for help 852 01:01:29.340 --> 01:01:31.860 and who are still living with demons, 853 01:01:32.820 --> 01:01:35.220 and because of their involvement in satanic cults, 854 01:01:35.220 --> 01:01:37.620 so I'm familiar with some things, 855 01:01:37.620 --> 01:01:42.300 but volunteering, human sacrifices, et cetera. 856 01:01:42.300 --> 01:01:45.860 But as far as like what it is that you know 857 01:01:45.860 --> 01:01:48.020 and like the inner workings and how they're, 858 01:01:48.020 --> 01:01:51.020 and how they like strategically organize 859 01:01:51.060 --> 01:01:53.860 in order to brainwash in a culture and a network, 860 01:01:53.860 --> 01:01:54.700 I don't know. 861 01:01:55.980 --> 01:02:00.980 So anyway, sorry, I had a point. 862 01:02:01.140 --> 01:02:03.260 What was your question again? 863 01:02:03.260 --> 01:02:05.820 Around how do you bring it into the light 864 01:02:05.820 --> 01:02:08.540 instead of going into the darkness? 865 01:02:08.540 --> 01:02:12.420 Yes, okay, so when I was talking about the exposing, 866 01:02:12.420 --> 01:02:14.020 I was talking about focusing specifically 867 01:02:14.020 --> 01:02:16.820 on the dark aspect of it in order to expose it. 868 01:02:16.820 --> 01:02:18.340 Like, hey, this is what it is. 869 01:02:19.300 --> 01:02:23.020 When, so what, if you're talking about exposing it 870 01:02:23.020 --> 01:02:27.020 by just, you know, by presenting the light, 871 01:02:27.020 --> 01:02:29.460 it's focusing on what is true, 872 01:02:29.460 --> 01:02:34.460 what God says is true as opposed to talking 873 01:02:37.020 --> 01:02:42.020 about the counterfeit. 874 01:02:43.500 --> 01:02:47.780 Focusing on the truth makes the counterfeit very obvious 875 01:02:47.820 --> 01:02:49.540 as opposed to having to learn 876 01:02:49.540 --> 01:02:50.860 what all of the counterfeits are. 877 01:02:50.860 --> 01:02:54.860 I mean, we think about all of the amount of counterfeit 878 01:02:54.860 --> 01:02:57.460 that Satan has baked into this world. 879 01:02:57.460 --> 01:03:02.100 And there's a lot, there is no end of learning 880 01:03:02.100 --> 01:03:04.420 in order to be able to discern 881 01:03:04.420 --> 01:03:06.900 is what I'm experiencing a counterfeit or not. 882 01:03:06.900 --> 01:03:09.180 We have to specifically learn all of the counterfeits 883 01:03:09.180 --> 01:03:10.740 and the ways that it can disguise itself. 884 01:03:10.740 --> 01:03:12.740 Where if we just focus on the truth, 885 01:03:12.740 --> 01:03:14.900 which is honestly very simple, 886 01:03:14.900 --> 01:03:16.100 if we just focus on the truth, 887 01:03:16.100 --> 01:03:18.660 the counterfeit, even if we've never been exposed 888 01:03:18.660 --> 01:03:20.500 to that particular type of counterfeit before 889 01:03:20.500 --> 01:03:24.220 is very obvious because we know what the truth is. 890 01:03:24.220 --> 01:03:25.980 And so we know that if it doesn't align with the truth, 891 01:03:25.980 --> 01:03:30.340 that it's a counterfeit and that's how to expose it. 892 01:03:30.340 --> 01:03:32.740 Now, so you're, I agree. 893 01:03:32.740 --> 01:03:35.780 You know, it sounds like your Freedom Academy 894 01:03:35.780 --> 01:03:37.700 or Break Free Academy. 895 01:03:37.700 --> 01:03:38.980 Set Free Academy, yeah. 896 01:03:38.980 --> 01:03:41.820 Set Free Academy is just that. 897 01:03:41.820 --> 01:03:42.660 That's what it sounds like. 898 01:03:42.660 --> 01:03:45.460 It sounds like, you know, it's focusing on the light, 899 01:03:45.460 --> 01:03:50.180 which will make everyone realize the counterfeit 900 01:03:50.180 --> 01:03:52.100 in different areas of their life. 901 01:03:52.100 --> 01:03:54.900 And it will, and even without them realizing it, 902 01:03:54.900 --> 01:03:56.860 which is what I teach in the Rest Intensive, 903 01:03:56.860 --> 01:03:59.140 even without focusing on it and paying attention 904 01:03:59.140 --> 01:04:02.900 to what exactly the darkness is and giving a name to it 905 01:04:02.900 --> 01:04:04.620 and giving a name to the trauma 906 01:04:04.620 --> 01:04:06.620 and realizing their triggers 907 01:04:06.620 --> 01:04:08.900 and preparing yourself against being triggered 908 01:04:08.900 --> 01:04:10.460 and da, da, da, da, 909 01:04:10.460 --> 01:04:12.180 what I focus on in the Rest Intensive 910 01:04:12.780 --> 01:04:17.540 is making the light so obvious and so big 911 01:04:17.540 --> 01:04:19.620 that we don't even have to focus, 912 01:04:19.620 --> 01:04:21.540 we don't even have to know what our traumas are. 913 01:04:21.540 --> 01:04:23.260 We don't even have to know what our past is. 914 01:04:23.260 --> 01:04:28.260 It's naturally healed and the darkness is pushed out 915 01:04:28.900 --> 01:04:33.900 by simply exposing the darkness to the light. 916 01:04:36.620 --> 01:04:38.300 So did you have a specific question 917 01:04:38.300 --> 01:04:42.580 about how to write the book from a place of light 918 01:04:42.580 --> 01:04:44.940 in order to express the darkness? 919 01:04:44.940 --> 01:04:46.820 That's, well, when you were talking, 920 01:04:46.820 --> 01:04:50.100 I was thinking about making it more, 921 01:04:50.100 --> 01:04:51.780 cause I've done all this work on it already, 922 01:04:51.780 --> 01:04:53.140 but it doesn't necessarily mean 923 01:04:53.140 --> 01:04:55.020 that I have to use what I've done. 924 01:04:55.020 --> 01:04:56.700 That might've just been part of my healing 925 01:04:56.700 --> 01:04:58.460 and understanding process. 926 01:04:58.460 --> 01:04:59.900 That's what I was wondering. 927 01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:06.000 Yeah, to bring it into the light, I was like, it almost works to intertwine what God was doing 928 01:05:06.800 --> 01:05:10.640 from when I was really young and what the enemy was doing, almost like the battle that was going 929 01:05:10.640 --> 01:05:15.040 on. I think of the Scrooge, I love the Scrooge tape letters and like how that works. Almost 930 01:05:15.040 --> 01:05:18.400 like the battle that was going on from the abuse I went through when I was young, to my belief 931 01:05:18.400 --> 01:05:23.760 systems growing up, to being suicidal, to getting involved in relationships that weren't healthy and 932 01:05:23.760 --> 01:05:30.160 being very codependent, all of those things. All the way to God finally, all of this culminating 933 01:05:30.160 --> 01:05:34.800 into this last bit of getting involved in this group thinking that was the answer. Because I'd 934 01:05:34.800 --> 01:05:40.400 already tried all these things that I thought were the answer. Then I found Christianity and 935 01:05:40.400 --> 01:05:45.760 that was really the answer. But then I just, it wasn't good enough. I wanted something more. I 936 01:05:45.760 --> 01:05:49.680 wanted more knowledge. I wanted to understand. I wanted personal development. I wanted to break 937 01:05:49.680 --> 01:05:55.520 free. I didn't know how, so I went into this group, but it wasn't of Christ. But it was very 938 01:05:55.520 --> 01:06:03.440 deceptive because they would have told you it was. They were all Christians, but Christians 939 01:06:03.440 --> 01:06:09.360 in quotation marks. I don't know what that means to them exactly, but it was like a Christian group. 940 01:06:10.320 --> 01:06:19.040 And how the theme for me is what God, what he ultimately wants for us, what he is, 941 01:06:20.640 --> 01:06:24.720 like we go through the storms of life, but ultimately what the answer is and how we can 942 01:06:24.720 --> 01:06:30.800 search and search. But really at the end of the day, the answer is him. And we have to be careful 943 01:06:30.800 --> 01:06:37.840 what we choose to focus on and choose to get involved in and our thought life, because God 944 01:06:37.840 --> 01:06:41.760 wants us to hold every thought captive to Christ. He wants us to be transformed by the renewing of 945 01:06:41.760 --> 01:06:48.080 our mind. He wants us to live in the spirit and not focus as much on the physical, but yet we do. 946 01:06:48.720 --> 01:06:54.640 And it gets us into trouble. And it did in my life. And I think it does in many other people's 947 01:06:54.640 --> 01:07:01.920 lives. So I think the whole thing is this theme of overcoming whatever you've gone through and 948 01:07:01.920 --> 01:07:09.440 searching for the answer in Christ only, not in a group, not in a movement, not in drugs, sex, 949 01:07:09.440 --> 01:07:18.160 alcohol, whatever, which I've done all of. And I think the world that needs to understand like 950 01:07:18.160 --> 01:07:22.960 the only one who can give you your identity is Christ. You can be gay and go for, you know, 951 01:07:22.960 --> 01:07:30.960 pride parades and be like, you know, go, you know, pride, I'm gay, I'm out and proud and all that. 952 01:07:30.960 --> 01:07:35.920 You can go and be in Black Lives Matter and be like, I'm black, my life matters. But none of 953 01:07:35.920 --> 01:07:40.480 that, they're all finding their identity in these things that are not actually Christ. And they're 954 01:07:40.480 --> 01:07:45.680 not healthy because it's always us against them. When you're in Christ, it's not us against them. 955 01:07:46.240 --> 01:07:52.080 Everyone's included for real. Now, a cult is very us against them, all of these things, right? Like, 956 01:07:52.800 --> 01:07:58.960 so I think the theme of the book for me is not necessarily, and I can include some of what I've 957 01:07:58.960 --> 01:08:03.600 written, because a lot of it is like details about what I went through, because it was like 958 01:08:03.600 --> 01:08:08.880 details about having people understand what really goes on in these groups. So sharing some of the 959 01:08:08.880 --> 01:08:14.880 inner things that happen. So and it's quite captivating, as well as a story, because 960 01:08:15.440 --> 01:08:18.640 if I told you some of the inner details of what really happened, it was like, 961 01:08:19.200 --> 01:08:24.560 maddening. And so I was never branded, but it certainly felt like I was emotionally. 962 01:08:24.560 --> 01:08:30.640 And so just going into a book from that place of light, and I wonder if 963 01:08:31.359 --> 01:08:38.399 that would be more aligned with God. Yeah, well, and just sense in your spirit, 964 01:08:38.399 --> 01:08:46.800 because the way that you were doing it doesn't mean that it's not, that God wouldn't have someone 965 01:08:46.800 --> 01:08:56.800 write the book the way that you were writing it. My point was that you were not at peace about it. 966 01:08:57.439 --> 01:09:06.479 So your peace is, that is the point at which your soul has come into agreement with your spirit, 967 01:09:06.479 --> 01:09:12.880 and you are understanding a specific truth and wisdom and knowledge that your spirit has, 968 01:09:12.880 --> 01:09:19.279 your spirit who's in Christ knows all things and has. And then so it was telling you something, 969 01:09:20.080 --> 01:09:25.760 and your peace was saying, or your lack of peace was saying, hey, look, something's off of 970 01:09:25.760 --> 01:09:32.319 the truth here. But it was what, and the truth is whatever it is that God was wanting you to do. 971 01:09:32.319 --> 01:09:35.920 So I just want to clarify, make sure that that's understood. There is therefore no 972 01:09:35.920 --> 01:09:42.319 condemnation. I don't know what it, you know, God has certain people write like that, but if 973 01:09:42.319 --> 01:09:47.840 he doesn't want you to write like that, what is it that he wants you to write? And so you can just, 974 01:09:47.840 --> 01:09:54.800 you can take this before the Lord and just sense where your peace is at. You can do it different 975 01:09:54.800 --> 01:09:59.920 ways. I don't think that you're going to need this for your soul, but if you do, 976 01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:03.800 You can do it this way where you look at your various options. 977 01:10:05.040 --> 01:10:13.800 And like keeping the book where it is or, you know, writing the book like you've been writing it or where you write the book with 978 01:10:15.480 --> 01:10:27.520 In in the way that you're thinking about it and then you can even come up with another one. If you need to. But anyway, just think of what your options are and think, what is your soul want to do, forget about what God wants you to do, forget about, you know, 979 01:10:28.480 --> 01:10:36.680 What your spirit wants to do, you know, you by yourself. Make your own decision. What do you want to do when you don't want to do what feels comfortable. What those familiar. What doesn't feel comfortable. 980 01:10:37.720 --> 01:10:46.560 In other words, let your soul have its say because your soul is is unified with your spirit and with your body. You're all one and it wants to have a say. 981 01:10:46.720 --> 01:10:56.960 And it's, it's like a child that doesn't really need something. It just wants attention. It's just like, I just need to know I'm important. I need to know that I'm being seen and heard. It's very strange, but 982 01:10:57.640 --> 01:11:05.280 It's, it seems to it seems to evidence itself like that. So you let yourself have it say so that you understand and acknowledge for yourself. 983 01:11:05.760 --> 01:11:13.560 That that an aspect of you that just needs to have it have it voice. So the know what it is you want 984 01:11:14.000 --> 01:11:24.440 Or what you're thinking, then put your soul aside and just think in your spirit. Okay, forget about what it is I want to do and all of that. What does my or my soul in my spirit. 985 01:11:25.280 --> 01:11:38.000 What is, where's my piece that and then and then bring each one and think, is this bring each option to yourself and think, okay, do I feel peace in this or not, do I feel peace in this or not, sometimes what you might do. 986 01:11:38.320 --> 01:11:43.920 Is if you don't feel 100% peace in both one in both in in one of them. 987 01:11:44.920 --> 01:11:55.520 You might feel partial peace, then that kind of allows you to understand to dig deeper into it. Okay, I'm feeling partial piece. So in other words, I'm heading in the right direction. So what are some other options. 988 01:11:56.160 --> 01:12:01.920 And just like start dreaming in a sandbox. In other words, which is software terms. So that's probably confusing, but 989 01:12:02.240 --> 01:12:13.200 And just start just start dreaming in a safe place with a word. Okay, Lord. What about this option. What about this option. Don't try to make it work. Don't think, is it possible for it to work. And sorry, I've got to 990 01:12:14.040 --> 01:12:24.440 And plug in my, my phone and don't, don't be concerned about is this likely to work or not work or this makes sense or it doesn't make sense. 991 01:12:24.880 --> 01:12:31.640 And you just, you just think of all kinds of different options. And I'm only telling you this, just in case and you you needed this 992 01:12:32.480 --> 01:12:40.040 Because when you get when you get with the Lord, you might be like, oh my word. Yeah. What, what I told you actually the first time the Lord gave you complete these just in case. 993 01:12:40.640 --> 01:12:44.000 This is, this is another another option. 994 01:12:45.960 --> 01:12:56.760 And you just start you start playing around. You start thinking about, okay, well, this one area. This one option that I felt more peace in between the two options that that I was considering 995 01:12:58.400 --> 01:13:01.040 Then how could I tweak it. 996 01:13:01.400 --> 01:13:09.080 I could tweak it this way. I could do that way. I mean, just kind of wild ideas for how you could tweak it and see if there's which areas or which 997 01:13:10.080 --> 01:13:17.160 Aspects of it, you feel peace in and which aspects of it. You don't feel peace in and then you can start to to narrow down 998 01:13:17.160 --> 01:13:27.240 Or get a fuller fleshed out picture of how it is. God really wants you to write the book when the final thing that you find out from the Lord. 999 01:13:28.120 --> 01:13:36.120 Might be very, very different than the two original options you'd presented to him. So you just kind of, it's almost like this bread. 1000 01:13:36.360 --> 01:13:41.680 Breadcrumb trail you follow the breadcrumbs you follow the piece and you submit different things to the Lord. 1001 01:13:41.680 --> 01:13:53.680 And you start and you start moving in them because God, you know that that whole thing of God can't move a parked car, you know, and just start, start moving start testing start 1002 01:13:54.440 --> 01:14:04.080 Because it'll be God is a safe place in which to to wonder and in which to, you know, present ideas. I know that 1003 01:14:04.080 --> 01:14:18.320 That a lot of people had not felt safe, either with their parents or in school to wonder and question and whatever. And so we all thought that, oh, bad thing it God's a very safe place in which to do that. So I don't know the answer. 1004 01:14:19.360 --> 01:14:30.240 But that is how you can find the answer. And if you don't know for sure what it is, you know, you're like, well, I think my piece is kind of sort of here. So I'm going to start writing like that. 1005 01:14:30.240 --> 01:14:37.680 I'm going to start doing that. Again, moving the parked car and then just see where where it takes you. Is that making sense. 1006 01:14:39.480 --> 01:14:42.320 Yeah, for sure. It's like that that 1007 01:14:43.320 --> 01:14:52.800 Yeah, no, it totally makes sense. I can do that. And I think, you know, when I was I had never described it the way I just described it to you. It just came to me when we were talking and 1008 01:14:52.800 --> 01:14:57.840 That feels very right in my spirit. The only thing is, I don't know if now is the right time. 1009 01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:07.680 time because if I am to write about it it will come it will involve parents it will involve 1010 01:15:07.680 --> 01:15:13.840 you know immediate family and they'll know about it unless I write it under a pen name but even 1011 01:15:13.840 --> 01:15:17.680 then like I don't really want to write it under a pen name because I want to be able to share it 1012 01:15:17.680 --> 01:15:24.320 with my clients and people in my life right so I feel like I might it might be something that I do 1013 01:15:24.320 --> 01:15:30.320 in 15 years maybe now is not the right maybe I need maybe God wants me to have more clarity 1014 01:15:31.040 --> 01:15:35.920 and or more peace about everything before I dive in because 1015 01:15:38.160 --> 01:15:44.000 kind of going at it from this place of attack where I want to expose feels um 1016 01:15:45.440 --> 01:15:51.040 it doesn't feel peaceful it feels purposeful but it doesn't feel peaceful that's a very 1017 01:15:51.040 --> 01:16:00.400 very interesting um distinction um yeah and um and maybe he wants you to wait you can ask him 1018 01:16:00.400 --> 01:16:10.720 about this um wait wait until your identity isn't defined by the but in the areas in which uh you'd 1019 01:16:10.720 --> 01:16:17.040 be describing because we think that our identity isn't in them and yet we're triggered if we're 1020 01:16:17.040 --> 01:16:24.400 triggered our identity is attached to it in some way so some way I do think partly you're right like 1021 01:16:24.400 --> 01:16:31.680 my identity is attached to being in the group because now so much of what I've created has 1022 01:16:31.680 --> 01:16:39.840 come out of being in the group and I want that time I want the difficulties in my life to matter 1023 01:16:39.840 --> 01:16:45.280 not just for me but for other people I want to help people with them because I'm like that's how 1024 01:16:45.280 --> 01:16:51.680 I can turn my pain into purpose or that's how I feel like God is going to you know use everything 1025 01:16:51.680 --> 01:16:56.640 that I've been through to help other people and to comfort them with the same comfort he's given me 1026 01:16:58.320 --> 01:17:04.080 so my identity is tied up in being able to help people with 1027 01:17:05.760 --> 01:17:11.200 their pain and help them overcome it with him just like my experience has been 1028 01:17:12.080 --> 01:17:16.880 yeah yeah and so what were you saying about that specifically about your the fact that your identity 1029 01:17:16.880 --> 01:17:23.440 was wrapped up is wrapped up in that when you say about my identity you know maybe he's waiting 1030 01:17:23.440 --> 01:17:29.440 till my identity is not in those things yeah it's possible that because they still are 1031 01:17:31.840 --> 01:17:35.200 but I don't know how to bridge the gap I don't know how to transfer 1032 01:17:35.440 --> 01:17:44.800 transfer my identity being in all that stuff to you know where it should be yeah um 1033 01:17:46.960 --> 01:17:52.000 so first of all I want to say that you are not your woundings you're not your pain and 1034 01:17:52.000 --> 01:17:55.600 you're not what you went through you're not what you experience that's not what gives you 1035 01:17:55.600 --> 01:18:00.720 significance your significance I'm not saying it's not valuable I'm not saying that you know 1036 01:18:00.720 --> 01:18:04.960 that what you went through is not important I'm not I'm not devaluing what is what I'm saying is 1037 01:18:05.680 --> 01:18:15.520 that you are not what has happened to you you're not this that that you're that your identity 1038 01:18:15.520 --> 01:18:26.160 your your value your purpose is not um defined by the abuse that you went through the fact that you 1039 01:18:26.160 --> 01:18:33.440 were suicidal the fact that um you um uh that what you went through you know that caused you to become 1040 01:18:33.440 --> 01:18:37.520 a Christian you know that cost you that since you did a church you know because of that that 1041 01:18:37.520 --> 01:18:42.960 horrific um uh situation that you were um that you were connected to with the not you know what 1042 01:18:42.960 --> 01:18:50.240 I'm saying that yeah people that you knew that that couple that you knew and um the uh your um 1043 01:18:50.240 --> 01:18:55.280 your teacher friend and then um in the becoming a Christian when you did and your and your journey 1044 01:18:55.280 --> 01:19:01.440 in Christianity and then the fact that you were um that you didn't recognize um a cult and you 1045 01:19:01.440 --> 01:19:07.360 were pulled into the cult and all that those things do not do not identify you give you 1046 01:19:07.360 --> 01:19:15.280 significance and did not define your purpose your death and they didn't they didn't they didn't 1047 01:19:15.280 --> 01:19:20.000 define your destiny either like destiny of like oh writing a book and exposing things and helping 1048 01:19:20.000 --> 01:19:29.680 lead other people into freedom because your your destiny is actually to be according to who it is 1049 01:19:29.680 --> 01:19:39.680 that you are in the spirit and use in in and by being overcoming the world oh just like Jesus 1050 01:19:39.680 --> 01:19:46.080 overcame the world he calls us to follow him in that and to overcome the world we overcome by 1051 01:19:46.080 --> 01:19:52.160 by man by manifesting who it is that we are in the spirit down into our soul down into our body so 1052 01:19:52.160 --> 01:19:57.600 that our soul and our bodies start reflecting the fact that we are in the visible realm the fact 1053 01:19:57.600 --> 01:20:00.000 that we got um the fact that we're all 1054 01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:03.320 already free in the invisible realm. 1055 01:20:03.320 --> 01:20:10.020 And then after we have that freedom and after we have, after we are free, after we have 1056 01:20:10.020 --> 01:20:18.080 released our creation, our soul and our body from frustration, now we have a freedom and 1057 01:20:18.080 --> 01:20:23.640 a release from frustration that we can then give to the rest of creation. 1058 01:20:23.640 --> 01:20:25.100 And that is our destiny. 1059 01:20:25.100 --> 01:20:26.580 Our destiny is to overcome. 1060 01:20:26.580 --> 01:20:30.320 Our destiny is to manifest the invisible into the visible realm, period. 1061 01:20:30.320 --> 01:20:33.440 Our destiny is not to write a book, to set other people free. 1062 01:20:33.440 --> 01:20:36.440 That is not our destiny. 1063 01:20:36.440 --> 01:20:37.920 Our destiny is to overcome. 1064 01:20:37.920 --> 01:20:42.140 Now, yes, the overcoming is setting people free, et cetera, but my, my point is the way 1065 01:20:42.140 --> 01:20:45.800 that we usually think about, Oh, well, I want to, I want to help people on whatever. 1066 01:20:45.800 --> 01:20:54.560 So every moment of your day, we, we need to be following our destiny, which is, I need 1067 01:20:54.560 --> 01:20:58.620 to be who it is that God says that I am meaning, and there's no effort in that. 1068 01:20:58.620 --> 01:21:01.940 I just need to come into agreement that I am this thing and that I need, I need to allow 1069 01:21:01.940 --> 01:21:06.140 me being, and we're just putting on our own oxygen mask. 1070 01:21:06.140 --> 01:21:13.720 I need to allow me being to just to, to manifest into creation through my soul, through my 1071 01:21:13.720 --> 01:21:18.980 body and then out into creation and that it, and so I need to overcome in every area. 1072 01:21:18.980 --> 01:21:19.980 I'm washing dishes. 1073 01:21:19.980 --> 01:21:24.420 I am, you know, talking to my husband, I'm interacting with my daughter. 1074 01:21:25.280 --> 01:21:26.280 I'm making the bed. 1075 01:21:26.280 --> 01:21:31.440 Everything that we're doing, there's an element in which we are, we are trying to make, which 1076 01:21:31.440 --> 01:21:38.800 we are overcoming the fact that, that the visible realm is not currently reflect is 1077 01:21:38.800 --> 01:21:42.880 subject to frustration and is not reflective of the invisible realm. 1078 01:21:42.880 --> 01:21:50.680 And we are, we are constantly trying to manifest the invisible into the visible. 1079 01:21:50.680 --> 01:21:58.900 So I just, the reason I wanted to point that out is to free us from this idea that our 1080 01:21:58.900 --> 01:22:02.740 identity is wrapped up in what's happened to us. 1081 01:22:02.740 --> 01:22:09.100 The trials that we endured, the things that people did, the suffering that we suffered, 1082 01:22:09.100 --> 01:22:16.980 the pain that we dealt with, and then how we can then use that to help someone else. 1083 01:22:16.980 --> 01:22:20.300 That's not our value and that is not what we give someone else. 1084 01:22:20.300 --> 01:22:24.320 We don't give someone else our experience and our pain and what it is we learned and 1085 01:22:24.320 --> 01:22:27.480 all of that, who it, that has no life in it. 1086 01:22:27.480 --> 01:22:29.120 It was nothing but death. 1087 01:22:29.120 --> 01:22:32.000 So it can't bring life. 1088 01:22:32.000 --> 01:22:33.640 It's just death. 1089 01:22:33.640 --> 01:22:35.720 Death can't bring life. 1090 01:22:35.720 --> 01:22:37.400 You are what brings life. 1091 01:22:37.400 --> 01:22:38.440 You are enough. 1092 01:22:38.440 --> 01:22:43.560 You would be enough and could, and have literally everything it is that you need to bring people 1093 01:22:43.560 --> 01:22:47.800 to, to overcome and to bring people into freedom. 1094 01:22:47.800 --> 01:22:52.140 Just you being you, without you having experienced any of those things, with you having lived 1095 01:22:52.140 --> 01:22:55.260 a perfect life, just like Jesus did. 1096 01:22:55.260 --> 01:23:01.220 Jesus set the world free and he didn't, and he didn't sin. 1097 01:23:01.220 --> 01:23:03.100 He didn't, he wasn't suicidal. 1098 01:23:03.100 --> 01:23:05.180 He didn't struggle like we did. 1099 01:23:05.180 --> 01:23:10.580 He wasn't abused, meaning, and abuse is basically, is the meaning that we attribute to the situation. 1100 01:23:10.580 --> 01:23:11.900 It's not what happens to us. 1101 01:23:11.900 --> 01:23:16.980 Yes, what happens to us is terrible and all of that, but it's just, you know, the, when 1102 01:23:17.160 --> 01:23:22.120 I say abuse, what I'm talking about is, yes, people can be abusive, so we can have abusive 1103 01:23:22.120 --> 01:23:27.960 actions on us, but like, like what we think of when somebody who's like been abused and 1104 01:23:27.960 --> 01:23:30.720 then the fact that they, it's affected them. 1105 01:23:30.720 --> 01:23:34.440 When we say that someone's been abused, we automatically shift into the fact that, oh, 1106 01:23:34.440 --> 01:23:36.840 it affected, the effect that it had on them. 1107 01:23:36.840 --> 01:23:43.080 Jesus had no negative effects on him because he didn't attribute any, any, any meanings 1108 01:23:43.080 --> 01:23:45.640 to his identity based off of what people said or did. 1109 01:23:45.640 --> 01:23:49.540 When people wanted to kill him, stone him, which they eventually did, he was betrayed 1110 01:23:49.540 --> 01:23:52.380 by Judas, you know, it's terrible, terrible things. 1111 01:23:52.380 --> 01:23:58.100 I just wanted to release you so that you could begin by saying it, but then you can take 1112 01:23:58.100 --> 01:24:01.660 it before the Lord and begin to shift more and more in your understanding your identity 1113 01:24:01.660 --> 01:24:07.500 and choosing that if he says that you're enough, just because you are, just because you be, 1114 01:24:07.500 --> 01:24:12.860 just because of who it is that he made you, which is spirit, not what you've experienced, 1115 01:24:12.960 --> 01:24:19.520 and you can, you can deliberately choose that that is true and that that is the way that 1116 01:24:19.520 --> 01:24:20.520 the world works. 1117 01:24:20.520 --> 01:24:24.120 That is the way that your world works and you will live accordingly. 1118 01:24:24.120 --> 01:24:29.120 You will live according to what, however you would live if the world worked like that and 1119 01:24:29.120 --> 01:24:41.840 you're no longer tied to any obligation to glorify the evil that you experienced. 1120 01:24:41.840 --> 01:24:45.540 And that's a really big deal is, and that's what people usually do in their testimonies 1121 01:24:45.540 --> 01:24:49.740 is they glorify the evil that they went through. 1122 01:24:49.740 --> 01:24:53.740 And there is no, so a lot of times that's another reason why I don't usually tell people 1123 01:24:53.740 --> 01:24:58.740 my testimony and the things that I go through, like, yuck, who needs to know all of that? 1124 01:24:58.740 --> 01:25:00.060 And they, people wonder, Ashley, why did you do that? 1125 01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:03.740 You talk about it, I'm like, because I have no desire 1126 01:25:03.740 --> 01:25:07.580 to go talking about what happened and the difficulties. 1127 01:25:08.500 --> 01:25:11.420 So there is a way to do it without glorifying it. 1128 01:25:11.420 --> 01:25:15.580 My point is that it's not good that we glory 1129 01:25:15.580 --> 01:25:18.580 in our experiences as if they have any value whatsoever. 1130 01:25:18.580 --> 01:25:20.980 They have death, they can't bring life to me, 1131 01:25:20.980 --> 01:25:22.620 they can't bring life to other people. 1132 01:25:22.620 --> 01:25:24.300 Only the spirit of the Lord does that. 1133 01:25:24.300 --> 01:25:26.980 Then how do you talk about those experiences 1134 01:25:27.500 --> 01:25:30.960 to like in a glorified, in a non-glorified way, 1135 01:25:30.960 --> 01:25:34.400 I guess, how do you talk about them in a healthy way? 1136 01:25:34.400 --> 01:25:38.880 And the other question I had was when somebody, 1137 01:25:38.880 --> 01:25:41.960 so how do you justify what you went through in the past 1138 01:25:41.960 --> 01:25:45.760 and see when you know God wants to bring good out of it 1139 01:25:45.760 --> 01:25:49.740 and he knows you want to him, he wants you to help people. 1140 01:25:49.740 --> 01:25:51.620 I feel like there's no other way for me to justify 1141 01:25:51.620 --> 01:25:54.600 what I went through for most of my life 1142 01:25:54.620 --> 01:25:58.200 without allowing him to use it for good. 1143 01:25:58.200 --> 01:26:00.520 So those are my questions there. 1144 01:26:00.520 --> 01:26:02.700 Yes, he does absolutely use it for good, 1145 01:26:02.700 --> 01:26:07.140 but that's not what gives it, how would you put it? 1146 01:26:09.740 --> 01:26:12.540 Man, I've never had to, I never had to word that before. 1147 01:26:16.980 --> 01:26:18.820 Man, how would you word that? 1148 01:26:19.820 --> 01:26:24.820 The, yeah, and I knew that that was the struggle 1149 01:26:27.920 --> 01:26:29.560 because that's the struggle that I had. 1150 01:26:29.560 --> 01:26:31.680 That's why I didn't let go of things 1151 01:26:31.680 --> 01:26:33.520 that I went through for a very long time. 1152 01:26:33.520 --> 01:26:36.440 And I told God that when I was still in the middle of it 1153 01:26:36.440 --> 01:26:38.160 and I'm like, God, I know what you want. 1154 01:26:38.160 --> 01:26:41.360 This was about, I didn't know, six years ago, 1155 01:26:41.360 --> 01:26:44.840 I remember exactly where I was and I said, okay, God, 1156 01:26:44.840 --> 01:26:49.840 I was on the floor, I was not in a good place. 1157 01:26:49.900 --> 01:26:53.780 And I told God, okay, God, I was mad, I was so mad at him. 1158 01:26:53.780 --> 01:26:56.100 And this was a very new place for me to be at with the Lord. 1159 01:26:56.100 --> 01:26:59.060 And I told God, God, I know that you want me to let this go, 1160 01:26:59.060 --> 01:27:00.300 but I can't let it go. 1161 01:27:00.300 --> 01:27:03.580 And I can't let it go and I don't wanna let it go 1162 01:27:03.580 --> 01:27:08.580 because I feel that if I do, 1163 01:27:09.940 --> 01:27:12.260 that it means that it doesn't mean anything. 1164 01:27:12.260 --> 01:27:14.140 It means that what I went through had no value 1165 01:27:14.480 --> 01:27:15.680 and no significance. 1166 01:27:15.680 --> 01:27:18.680 And that's why I wanted so badly other people 1167 01:27:18.680 --> 01:27:21.000 to acknowledge what it is that I had been through. 1168 01:27:21.000 --> 01:27:23.220 And one of the reasons why I was holding onto things 1169 01:27:23.220 --> 01:27:25.400 and holding grudges and not forgiving, et cetera, 1170 01:27:25.400 --> 01:27:28.240 because I said, because God, this is valuable 1171 01:27:28.240 --> 01:27:33.160 and this is important and all of that. 1172 01:27:33.160 --> 01:27:38.040 So I definitely understand that, that this is very normal. 1173 01:27:38.040 --> 01:27:43.040 What shifts us is understanding that 1174 01:27:43.100 --> 01:27:45.980 we're looking for value and significance. 1175 01:27:45.980 --> 01:27:49.500 And we're so used to finding in our identity, 1176 01:27:49.500 --> 01:27:53.220 and we're so used to finding it in what happened to us, 1177 01:27:53.220 --> 01:27:58.220 that when we really honestly find our identity in Christ 1178 01:27:59.060 --> 01:28:01.900 and understand we are who God says I am, 1179 01:28:01.900 --> 01:28:05.580 and whatever he says of Christ is said of me, 1180 01:28:05.580 --> 01:28:07.980 he loves me to the extent that he does. 1181 01:28:07.980 --> 01:28:10.060 He accepts me to the extent that he does, 1182 01:28:10.060 --> 01:28:12.660 even when I'm in the middle of sinning against him. 1183 01:28:13.780 --> 01:28:18.440 My relationship with him is never threatened, 1184 01:28:18.440 --> 01:28:21.340 and I'm never in a state of separation from him, 1185 01:28:21.340 --> 01:28:22.940 even in the middle of sinning. 1186 01:28:22.940 --> 01:28:24.460 I'm never in a state of separation 1187 01:28:24.460 --> 01:28:26.140 from him in relationship. 1188 01:28:26.140 --> 01:28:28.500 And when I finally come to accept that, 1189 01:28:31.500 --> 01:28:35.660 I found the thing that I was trying, 1190 01:28:35.660 --> 01:28:39.740 that I was holding desperately onto the other for 1191 01:28:39.740 --> 01:28:42.320 to give me, so I no longer needed it. 1192 01:28:43.700 --> 01:28:47.300 I'm looking for an anchor, and that's the anchor. 1193 01:28:47.300 --> 01:28:48.900 That's why I can't let go of this. 1194 01:28:48.900 --> 01:28:50.860 This is why this had to be like, 1195 01:28:50.860 --> 01:28:52.700 this has to have purpose, Lord. 1196 01:28:52.700 --> 01:28:57.700 You've got to, surely there has to be a reason, 1197 01:28:58.320 --> 01:29:00.100 because otherwise, Lord, I don't deserve it, 1198 01:29:00.100 --> 01:29:03.100 because we think, because our identity's wrapped up in it. 1199 01:29:03.100 --> 01:29:05.260 We think that it says something about us. 1200 01:29:05.260 --> 01:29:09.660 Like, well, okay, good Lord, unless I help other people, 1201 01:29:09.660 --> 01:29:11.680 which would give me significance to my life, 1202 01:29:11.700 --> 01:29:14.500 this is how we process things, 1203 01:29:14.500 --> 01:29:16.220 which would give me significance to my life, 1204 01:29:16.220 --> 01:29:18.180 unless it happens. 1205 01:29:18.180 --> 01:29:21.400 Well, then, Lord, that's the only way 1206 01:29:21.400 --> 01:29:23.100 I can justify what happened to me, 1207 01:29:23.100 --> 01:29:26.780 because if I don't have that to justify what happened to me, 1208 01:29:26.780 --> 01:29:29.500 the only explanation that I can think of 1209 01:29:29.500 --> 01:29:31.860 is that apparently I deserved that, 1210 01:29:31.860 --> 01:29:34.100 and I don't want to believe that about myself. 1211 01:29:34.100 --> 01:29:38.040 We don't understand those are not the only options, 1212 01:29:38.040 --> 01:29:41.140 but that's the only options we can think of, 1213 01:29:41.640 --> 01:29:45.600 because we're using our pain and our experience, 1214 01:29:45.600 --> 01:29:48.120 how people interact with us, all of that, 1215 01:29:48.120 --> 01:29:53.120 to identify us, because we are not believing 1216 01:29:55.520 --> 01:29:59.200 that we're safe with the Lord for Him to identify us. 1217 01:29:59.200 --> 01:30:00.040 So when I chose. 1218 01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:10.280 Was this and stopped trying to make this make sense when I just chose this and I left this for a while, which for me felt like I was dying. 1219 01:30:10.800 --> 01:30:21.560 And I am not exaggerating when I say that I remember exactly where I was. It was like 630 in the morning. It was dark. I was driving to work and I literally felt like I was suffocating. 1220 01:30:22.160 --> 01:30:27.960 I was starting to, I was starting to panic. I was starting to have a, I don't know if it was an anxiety attack, panic attack, whatever it was. 1221 01:30:28.240 --> 01:30:37.640 And my chest started to close in and I told the Lord, Lord, if I let this whole thing go without you resolving it for me without you explain the purpose and 1222 01:30:38.400 --> 01:30:41.160 You know, and all of that to me without you giving it a 1223 01:30:42.160 --> 01:30:48.920 A reason outside of the fact that apparently I deserve to be treated like that, but you give me a reason if I let go of all of that. 1224 01:30:49.400 --> 01:30:53.880 And and I just jump into the great unknown. I felt like I was going to die. 1225 01:30:54.640 --> 01:31:06.240 I mean, not not figuratively felt like I was going to die. I felt that literally I would not be able to breathe. And while I was driving down the road. I told the Lord. Okay, Lord, I'm all in. 1226 01:31:07.240 --> 01:31:18.200 I'm just going to abandon the whole thing because I have no option. I've tried this for so long. It's not working. My only hope is that I can abandon it completely. 1227 01:31:18.760 --> 01:31:27.400 So, you know, throw myself on your mercy and hope that I actually do survive on the other side. It felt like I was I was killing myself. 1228 01:31:28.400 --> 01:31:41.200 That I was throwing myself in the middle of a fire. Someone didn't push me and I didn't allow God to push me. I mean, meaning like it wasn't like I was a lot is telling God. Okay, God, you want me to jump in the fire. Okay, I'm going to allow you to push me 1229 01:31:42.400 --> 01:31:55.080 God's like, no, I'm not going to push you. You have to take ownership and responsibility and you have to throw yourself in the fire. It felt like that. I mean, it was it was life or death, you know, 1230 01:31:55.200 --> 01:32:03.200 It was, it was extreme. So I did I immediately driving down the road driving on the road in the dark. I just gave it up. 1231 01:32:04.160 --> 01:32:13.280 And all of a sudden there was life on the other side. This was like five years ago. This is before I learned about rest. This was so long ago. 1232 01:32:13.280 --> 01:32:28.920 And in fact, I did. I got my journal over there, which I wrote down the experience and I gave up my sense of entitlement to myself, my sense of entitlement that all of this had to make sense. My sense of entitlement that, you know, God had to prove to me that I didn't deserve it and 1233 01:32:30.160 --> 01:32:37.120 I just abandoned it and it was as desperate as all of the reasons why you haven't said no. 1234 01:32:37.120 --> 01:32:48.400 As all of the reasons why you stay where you are. It's that extreme and it is that hard where it feels like you will like everything will fall apart. If you do 1235 01:32:49.560 --> 01:32:56.320 I don't know how to word it to explain to you how extreme it is. It really did feel like a literal life or death decision. 1236 01:32:56.320 --> 01:33:03.960 Not a figurative one like, oh, I just don't know how I'm going to be able to do what I want now. No, it's like, I will not be able to breathe in this next second. If I give it up. 1237 01:33:04.360 --> 01:33:20.640 Because you had, I think it's because you had your identity so wrapped up in something. And then all of a sudden you were in this space of thinking, I'm not going to know my identity for a little like for a little while. I don't know. I don't know how to explain it exactly. But is it 1238 01:33:20.640 --> 01:33:28.080 Is it something like that where you, you had this solid identity and then all of a sudden you weren't going to know or you didn't know what your identity actually was? 1239 01:33:32.520 --> 01:33:39.600 Well, it was more than that. It was that. I mean, so it was that, obviously, it was more than that. And the fact that I didn't 1240 01:33:42.080 --> 01:33:42.600 That 1241 01:33:42.600 --> 01:33:51.400 My identity and I knew this at the time identity was wrapped up in who it is that God was. So therefore I was abandoning myself to the fact that 1242 01:33:51.960 --> 01:34:05.040 I don't know. I don't know who God is. I don't know what life is about. I don't know if there's any point to any of this. I don't know if I'm killing myself if the Lord is trying to kill me. I don't know anything. I mean, it was just, it was my whole world. 1243 01:34:05.040 --> 01:34:15.000 Was going to crumble. So it, like I said, it wasn't like I just thought, oh, well, I'm just not going to know myself for a while. And I'm going to feel lost. No, I felt like I was literally going to die. 1244 01:34:16.760 --> 01:34:19.280 I mean, it was bad. It was really bad. In fact, just like 1245 01:34:19.640 --> 01:34:28.080 I'm just wondering, while you're looking for that. I'm wondering, like, why, why you felt you were going to die. Like what was going on inside you where you felt like you were going to die. 1246 01:34:28.080 --> 01:34:37.040 Because your spirit, soul, and body are so united and so one that if my soul felt like it, it was going to die, then my body did. 1247 01:34:38.760 --> 01:34:46.200 Yeah, see, I think I can kind of understand what you were going through. Because when I explained to you that one summer when I got out of the group. 1248 01:34:46.680 --> 01:34:56.420 You remember the phrase, related to the work itself, and like, you walk around thinking, Oh, if I found any knowledge, any knowledge I can tell my friends. 1249 01:34:56.740 --> 01:35:00.820 It was like, so what you started out with was like, oh, I should have known something else. 1250 01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:02.040 than this other person. 1251 01:35:01.440 --> 01:35:02.740 So all of a sudden. 1252 01:35:02.040 --> 01:35:05.240 Letting that go was so scary. 1253 01:35:05.240 --> 01:35:06.920 And for a while I couldn't. 1254 01:35:06.920 --> 01:35:09.800 And I was, I was, I literally felt like I was gonna die. 1255 01:35:09.800 --> 01:35:10.760 I wanted to die. 1256 01:35:10.760 --> 01:35:12.720 I felt like I couldn't do anything. 1257 01:35:12.720 --> 01:35:14.760 I was, I, so I kind of, I pro, 1258 01:35:14.760 --> 01:35:17.120 I might understand part of what you experienced. 1259 01:35:17.120 --> 01:35:19.240 Cause it's like, it's so messed up 1260 01:35:19.240 --> 01:35:20.880 that nobody can really understand it 1261 01:35:20.880 --> 01:35:23.120 unless they've been through it. 1262 01:35:23.120 --> 01:35:25.320 Yes, yes. 1263 01:35:25.320 --> 01:35:27.400 I think I may have found it. 1264 01:35:27.400 --> 01:35:28.240 Okay. 1265 01:35:28.240 --> 01:35:31.560 Um, and it's, oh no. 1266 01:35:31.560 --> 01:35:32.880 Oh, three times, so it dies. 1267 01:35:32.880 --> 01:35:33.720 Just pulling in. 1268 01:35:33.720 --> 01:35:34.760 Let's see. 1269 01:35:34.760 --> 01:35:35.800 Drive home. 1270 01:35:36.680 --> 01:35:38.800 Oh no, that was, that was later. 1271 01:35:38.800 --> 01:35:40.600 That was another issue I went through. 1272 01:35:40.600 --> 01:35:43.000 I was another death. 1273 01:35:43.000 --> 01:35:43.960 I had to die. 1274 01:35:45.000 --> 01:35:46.080 Display. 1275 01:35:46.080 --> 01:35:46.920 Let's see here. 1276 01:35:46.920 --> 01:35:50.160 I, the way that I write in my journal is I title things. 1277 01:35:50.160 --> 01:35:54.720 I title this, I title like them on theme or topic. 1278 01:35:55.560 --> 01:35:59.120 So I'm looking for one of the topics, 1279 01:35:59.120 --> 01:36:01.400 but okay, let's see what year was that? 1280 01:36:01.400 --> 01:36:02.240 That'll help. 1281 01:36:02.240 --> 01:36:03.680 I know what year that was. 1282 01:36:03.680 --> 01:36:07.040 Um, that was, I think it was 30. 1283 01:36:07.040 --> 01:36:07.880 Yeah. 1284 01:36:07.880 --> 01:36:09.160 So when did I turn 30? 1285 01:36:09.160 --> 01:36:11.880 Um, I turned 30. 1286 01:36:11.880 --> 01:36:14.880 Oh, 14, 2014. 1287 01:36:14.880 --> 01:36:15.880 That's when it was. 1288 01:36:16.920 --> 01:36:17.760 Okay. 1289 01:36:20.280 --> 01:36:22.960 These are like, I'm not finding it. 1290 01:36:22.960 --> 01:36:25.600 Oh, I wonder if I wrote it, put it down later. 1291 01:36:25.600 --> 01:36:27.720 30, appropriate, single. 1292 01:36:33.280 --> 01:36:34.120 Oh, wow. 1293 01:36:39.480 --> 01:36:40.320 Well, I'm sorry. 1294 01:36:40.320 --> 01:36:43.040 I'm not finding it, but, oh, release. 1295 01:36:43.040 --> 01:36:44.680 No, that was a different release. 1296 01:36:44.680 --> 01:36:49.440 I'm not sure, but anyway, what I told you, 1297 01:36:49.440 --> 01:36:50.600 you know, is just basically it, 1298 01:36:50.600 --> 01:36:52.880 that I had to release myself of entitlement 1299 01:36:53.880 --> 01:36:55.280 to everything, to what it is 1300 01:36:55.280 --> 01:36:56.840 that I was holding accountable for. 1301 01:36:56.840 --> 01:36:59.120 And one of the things I was holding accountable for 1302 01:36:59.120 --> 01:37:02.080 is to make sense of what it is that I went through. 1303 01:37:03.400 --> 01:37:07.200 Purpose, there had to be a purpose. 1304 01:37:07.200 --> 01:37:10.240 There had to make, there had to be significance 1305 01:37:10.240 --> 01:37:11.680 and it had to make sense. 1306 01:37:12.680 --> 01:37:14.480 And I was holding him accountable for that. 1307 01:37:14.480 --> 01:37:18.000 And I wouldn't let it go until he, or until I did. 1308 01:37:18.000 --> 01:37:20.080 And I didn't mean, and for a long time, 1309 01:37:20.080 --> 01:37:21.160 I didn't feel antagonistic. 1310 01:37:21.240 --> 01:37:23.480 I didn't know that I felt antagonistic toward him 1311 01:37:23.480 --> 01:37:25.120 until the longer it went 1312 01:37:25.120 --> 01:37:26.600 when I didn't understand the purpose. 1313 01:37:26.600 --> 01:37:29.920 Because see, other people were not even acknowledging 1314 01:37:29.920 --> 01:37:32.760 that what I'd went through was as bad as it was. 1315 01:37:32.760 --> 01:37:34.880 Let alone anybody listening to me 1316 01:37:34.880 --> 01:37:36.480 for me to be able to feel like, 1317 01:37:36.480 --> 01:37:39.680 oh, well, you know, I can actually 1318 01:37:39.680 --> 01:37:41.640 help other people through this. 1319 01:37:41.640 --> 01:37:43.240 People weren't even acknowledging 1320 01:37:43.240 --> 01:37:45.000 that I was going through a hard time. 1321 01:37:45.000 --> 01:37:46.320 So does me. 1322 01:37:46.320 --> 01:37:48.640 It was, and I was just like, 1323 01:37:48.640 --> 01:37:50.560 so I thought I'm the only one, 1324 01:37:50.560 --> 01:37:53.880 my paying attention to it is the only way that I can, 1325 01:37:57.080 --> 01:38:01.240 that justice can be exacted in the fact that 1326 01:38:01.240 --> 01:38:05.480 something that happened and a truth 1327 01:38:05.480 --> 01:38:08.800 is actually being acknowledged and recognized. 1328 01:38:08.800 --> 01:38:10.680 And so I held on to it. 1329 01:38:10.680 --> 01:38:14.280 So I just had to let it go. 1330 01:38:15.560 --> 01:38:18.400 It's nice and it's, 1331 01:38:19.360 --> 01:38:20.720 and we like to ask the Lord, 1332 01:38:20.720 --> 01:38:23.840 hey Lord, can you resolve this for me? 1333 01:38:23.840 --> 01:38:25.040 Can you reconcile it? 1334 01:38:25.040 --> 01:38:26.320 Can we understand it? 1335 01:38:26.320 --> 01:38:28.080 Can it make sense? 1336 01:38:28.080 --> 01:38:32.400 And then from there, Lord, 1337 01:38:32.400 --> 01:38:35.680 you know, we can move forward. 1338 01:38:35.680 --> 01:38:38.200 And the Lord sometimes, 1339 01:38:38.200 --> 01:38:40.120 and sometimes he allows us to do that, 1340 01:38:40.120 --> 01:38:42.600 or the Lord, then Lord, then I'll let it go. 1341 01:38:42.600 --> 01:38:44.240 If you can help me make sense, 1342 01:38:44.240 --> 01:38:46.920 even if I don't like the reason, 1343 01:38:46.920 --> 01:38:48.600 if you can give me the reason, 1344 01:38:48.600 --> 01:38:50.040 if we can kind of, you know, 1345 01:38:51.240 --> 01:38:53.000 if I can get some understanding 1346 01:38:53.000 --> 01:38:54.920 of at least what you were doing, 1347 01:38:54.920 --> 01:38:58.040 I won't hold you accountable for it even anymore, 1348 01:38:58.040 --> 01:38:59.840 even if it's not the way that, 1349 01:38:59.840 --> 01:39:01.200 even if the reason that you give 1350 01:39:01.200 --> 01:39:02.680 for what it is that I went through 1351 01:39:02.680 --> 01:39:04.040 isn't what I wish it were. 1352 01:39:04.960 --> 01:39:06.800 And sometimes God's like, no, 1353 01:39:06.800 --> 01:39:11.040 he's like, I want you to give it up 1354 01:39:11.040 --> 01:39:15.880 without me making sense of it for you. 1355 01:39:15.880 --> 01:39:18.120 He's like, I need you to understand 1356 01:39:18.120 --> 01:39:20.240 that you were that free, 1357 01:39:20.240 --> 01:39:22.360 that it doesn't require anything. 1358 01:39:22.360 --> 01:39:26.160 You are not subject to, limited by, 1359 01:39:26.160 --> 01:39:29.320 or enslaved to such an extent 1360 01:39:29.320 --> 01:39:32.320 that you have to have logic, understanding, 1361 01:39:33.320 --> 01:39:37.080 or knowledge in order to free yourself 1362 01:39:37.080 --> 01:39:42.080 from anxiety, stress, whatever, 1363 01:39:42.680 --> 01:39:45.040 of being enslaved by a situation internally. 1364 01:39:45.120 --> 01:39:46.600 He's like, even those things, 1365 01:39:46.600 --> 01:39:48.760 let alone needing somebody else to help you. 1366 01:39:48.760 --> 01:39:50.040 He's like, I'll need you to understand 1367 01:39:50.040 --> 01:39:51.120 that you're not enslaved to, 1368 01:39:51.120 --> 01:39:53.840 limited to only being able to be free 1369 01:39:53.840 --> 01:39:55.360 when someone else helps you. 1370 01:39:55.360 --> 01:39:58.240 He's like, so it's like, it's even more than that. 1371 01:39:58.240 --> 01:40:00.200 He said, you are not enslaved. 1372 01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:03.840 until you gain more knowledge or gain more understanding, 1373 01:40:03.840 --> 01:40:07.720 or I explain it to you, or I help you make sense of it. 1374 01:40:07.720 --> 01:40:10.680 He said, you are not enslaved at all. 1375 01:40:10.680 --> 01:40:13.440 You let go of it now because you're a king 1376 01:40:13.440 --> 01:40:14.440 and you choose to. 1377 01:40:15.480 --> 01:40:19.940 And so when I finally, my point is, 1378 01:40:19.940 --> 01:40:23.280 God sometimes does help us make sense of it and whatever, 1379 01:40:23.280 --> 01:40:26.140 and we can like be more gently, 1380 01:40:26.140 --> 01:40:27.440 even though it's not gentle, 1381 01:40:27.440 --> 01:40:31.420 more gently what, and then other times he's like, 1382 01:40:31.420 --> 01:40:33.520 no, I want you to understand you're so free. 1383 01:40:33.520 --> 01:40:36.920 You get to choose that you're free just because you say so. 1384 01:40:36.920 --> 01:40:41.640 And I want you to cast yourself upon me in abandonment, 1385 01:40:41.640 --> 01:40:44.580 believing that I'm gonna catch you 1386 01:40:44.580 --> 01:40:47.120 and that there's life on the other side 1387 01:40:47.120 --> 01:40:49.920 because I declare to you, you're that free. 1388 01:40:49.920 --> 01:40:52.720 You're so free, it doesn't even have to make sense. 1389 01:40:53.680 --> 01:40:56.360 So choose that that's the case. 1390 01:40:56.400 --> 01:41:00.240 And then you will come to either, 1391 01:41:00.240 --> 01:41:02.820 then you just come to understand things a bit better. 1392 01:41:02.820 --> 01:41:03.880 Sometimes he tells you, 1393 01:41:03.880 --> 01:41:05.880 he helps you make sense of it afterwards, 1394 01:41:05.880 --> 01:41:07.880 after you throw yourself on his mercy, 1395 01:41:07.880 --> 01:41:10.360 just completely abandon the fact that it has to make sense. 1396 01:41:10.360 --> 01:41:12.640 It gives again, it's that sense of entitlement. 1397 01:41:12.640 --> 01:41:17.480 It's got it, it's what God, I'm, I should, 1398 01:41:17.480 --> 01:41:19.080 it should make sense. 1399 01:41:19.080 --> 01:41:21.640 So the fact that it doesn't make sense, 1400 01:41:21.640 --> 01:41:24.740 yeah, that Lord, this situation, it shouldn't be. 1401 01:41:24.740 --> 01:41:26.200 Then we know we have to release it 1402 01:41:27.040 --> 01:41:27.880 whenever we're in a situation where like, 1403 01:41:27.880 --> 01:41:29.480 it should not be the way it is. 1404 01:41:29.480 --> 01:41:32.120 God's like, that's resistance. 1405 01:41:32.120 --> 01:41:34.720 So we release our sense of entitlement and ownership 1406 01:41:34.720 --> 01:41:37.280 and holding God accountable to, 1407 01:41:37.280 --> 01:41:41.360 for us to not move on until, until we get this resolved. 1408 01:41:42.600 --> 01:41:45.860 And so sometimes God does sure walk us this way, 1409 01:41:45.860 --> 01:41:50.760 but if it's, but he gives us the opportunity to choose 1410 01:41:50.760 --> 01:41:54.040 that we don't allow ourselves to be enslaved anymore, 1411 01:41:54.040 --> 01:41:58.000 even to requiring something outside of us, 1412 01:41:58.000 --> 01:42:02.860 which is logic, sense, understanding to free us. 1413 01:42:02.860 --> 01:42:05.600 God's like, you don't need anything to free you. 1414 01:42:05.600 --> 01:42:09.200 You get to choose because he says you already are free. 1415 01:42:09.200 --> 01:42:11.240 So understanding doesn't free us 1416 01:42:11.240 --> 01:42:12.720 unless we give it the power to do so. 1417 01:42:12.720 --> 01:42:15.060 And he doesn't want us to give our power over to anything, 1418 01:42:15.060 --> 01:42:18.960 even understanding logic, sense, even if it's godly, 1419 01:42:18.960 --> 01:42:20.940 even if it reflects truth. 1420 01:42:20.940 --> 01:42:23.040 Yeah, it's interesting when you're talking 1421 01:42:23.040 --> 01:42:25.520 and thinking about people who can't let go of a loved one 1422 01:42:25.520 --> 01:42:29.560 who passed away, especially if it was a tragic death, 1423 01:42:29.560 --> 01:42:31.040 where they're like, it doesn't make sense. 1424 01:42:31.040 --> 01:42:32.360 Why did that have to happen? 1425 01:42:32.360 --> 01:42:34.480 And I talked to somebody recently who's going through that 1426 01:42:34.480 --> 01:42:38.080 and it's like, she's not able to let it go. 1427 01:42:38.080 --> 01:42:40.720 And I said, do you think you'll ever know the answer 1428 01:42:40.720 --> 01:42:42.200 to why it happened? 1429 01:42:42.200 --> 01:42:44.680 And she's like, no, not until I get to heaven. 1430 01:42:44.680 --> 01:42:48.440 I was like, yeah, so how do you think, 1431 01:42:48.440 --> 01:42:49.700 it kind of in a kind way, 1432 01:42:49.700 --> 01:42:52.160 like what would be the best way to live your life 1433 01:42:52.160 --> 01:42:54.560 if you know you're not gonna get an answer 1434 01:42:54.560 --> 01:42:56.600 until you're probably on the other side? 1435 01:42:58.040 --> 01:43:00.800 Because it's just kind of what you're saying, 1436 01:43:00.800 --> 01:43:02.660 we don't always get the answers. 1437 01:43:02.660 --> 01:43:05.500 And I have wanted to justify my experience 1438 01:43:05.500 --> 01:43:07.760 by having an answer. 1439 01:43:07.760 --> 01:43:11.040 And I'm like, I love when things come full circle. 1440 01:43:11.040 --> 01:43:13.760 And I'm like, when this comes full circle, 1441 01:43:13.760 --> 01:43:16.520 I will know that God has used it 1442 01:43:16.520 --> 01:43:17.800 the way it was meant to be used. 1443 01:43:17.800 --> 01:43:19.880 I'll know that I was faithful in walking the path 1444 01:43:19.880 --> 01:43:21.580 he wants me to walk. 1445 01:43:22.020 --> 01:43:23.860 And I've been so cognizant of that, 1446 01:43:23.860 --> 01:43:25.100 like creating the program 1447 01:43:25.100 --> 01:43:28.700 and trying to make something come out of it. 1448 01:43:28.700 --> 01:43:32.340 And like really trying to go by his leading too, 1449 01:43:32.340 --> 01:43:35.260 not just what I want, but what's he calling me to? 1450 01:43:35.260 --> 01:43:37.420 What does he want to do with all of this pain 1451 01:43:37.420 --> 01:43:38.260 that I've been through? 1452 01:43:38.260 --> 01:43:39.100 And I hear what you're saying. 1453 01:43:39.100 --> 01:43:41.340 It's like, he just wants me to release it 1454 01:43:41.340 --> 01:43:43.700 and let go and be in the spirit. 1455 01:43:43.700 --> 01:43:47.340 And it sounds so wonderful. 1456 01:43:47.340 --> 01:43:48.900 And there's this part of me that's like, 1457 01:43:48.900 --> 01:43:51.020 like you said, if I let it go, 1458 01:43:51.460 --> 01:43:53.740 just like if someone lets go of a loved one, 1459 01:43:53.740 --> 01:43:54.900 do I lose the memory? 1460 01:43:54.900 --> 01:43:55.920 Do I lose the purpose? 1461 01:43:55.920 --> 01:43:57.460 Do I lose the significance? 1462 01:43:57.460 --> 01:43:58.600 Is this ever going to be used 1463 01:43:58.600 --> 01:44:00.740 if I'm not thinking about it anymore? 1464 01:44:00.740 --> 01:44:02.740 So then that's a concern of mine. 1465 01:44:02.740 --> 01:44:06.940 How will he use all of this if I'm not focused on it anymore, 1466 01:44:06.940 --> 01:44:10.060 if I don't share it and help people with it? 1467 01:44:10.060 --> 01:44:11.180 And how will people ever know 1468 01:44:11.180 --> 01:44:12.980 that I've been through something 1469 01:44:12.980 --> 01:44:15.500 if I don't share a little bit of it with them? 1470 01:44:15.500 --> 01:44:17.180 So that's, I get what you're saying, 1471 01:44:17.180 --> 01:44:19.860 because that's kind of the space I'm in for sure. 1472 01:44:19.860 --> 01:44:24.420 Yeah, and it's not that those things won't happen. 1473 01:44:24.420 --> 01:44:27.540 It's that in order to free ourselves, 1474 01:44:27.540 --> 01:44:30.980 God says, release our sense of entitlement to it. 1475 01:44:30.980 --> 01:44:35.980 And then after that, we shift into the spirit. 1476 01:44:36.060 --> 01:44:38.780 And now that we're not attached to it anymore, 1477 01:44:38.780 --> 01:44:41.460 so often from that place, God's like, 1478 01:44:41.460 --> 01:44:43.460 okay, so now we're going to use it. 1479 01:44:43.460 --> 01:44:46.200 Now I'm going to show you how, what place, 1480 01:44:46.200 --> 01:44:51.200 how we can use it as a tool. 1481 01:44:53.560 --> 01:44:56.360 But it won't have you anymore. 1482 01:44:56.360 --> 01:44:58.120 You have it. 1483 01:44:58.120 --> 01:45:00.160 And you're using. 1484 01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:04.000 It, he said, just how I use everything for your good, 1485 01:45:04.000 --> 01:45:06.600 I'm now gonna teach you to be like me. 1486 01:45:06.600 --> 01:45:09.200 And I'm gonna now, you know, be like your father. 1487 01:45:09.200 --> 01:45:13.360 And I'm now gonna teach you how to use things for good 1488 01:45:13.360 --> 01:45:14.680 that were meant for evil, 1489 01:45:14.680 --> 01:45:17.040 because we look like our father. 1490 01:45:17.040 --> 01:45:19.880 But if we're not in that place, 1491 01:45:19.880 --> 01:45:21.920 if we're not in the spirit 1492 01:45:21.920 --> 01:45:24.800 and we're operating out of this sense of the fact 1493 01:45:24.800 --> 01:45:29.800 that where we're still trying to be good 1494 01:45:30.120 --> 01:45:32.800 to demand that according to the tree of the knowledge 1495 01:45:32.800 --> 01:45:35.760 of good and evil, it's got to make sense. 1496 01:45:36.600 --> 01:45:38.920 God's like, you can't operate from my, 1497 01:45:38.920 --> 01:45:41.240 you're not operating in my character. 1498 01:45:41.240 --> 01:45:44.200 So you can't actually use it. 1499 01:45:47.600 --> 01:45:50.800 How can I say that in English? 1500 01:45:51.720 --> 01:45:56.720 It cannot be used as powerfully 1501 01:46:00.040 --> 01:46:02.760 from that place as it can, 1502 01:46:02.760 --> 01:46:05.880 if you are not enslaved by it anymore, 1503 01:46:05.880 --> 01:46:08.240 not identified by it anymore. 1504 01:46:08.240 --> 01:46:11.520 And now it's this thing apart from you 1505 01:46:11.520 --> 01:46:15.840 that you use for your purposes, you use for good. 1506 01:46:15.840 --> 01:46:19.080 But he said, I have to separate you from it first, 1507 01:46:19.080 --> 01:46:21.920 have to, you know, de-identify you from it. 1508 01:46:21.920 --> 01:46:24.640 And to show you, and it's not something he's doing, 1509 01:46:24.640 --> 01:46:25.600 it's something you, 1510 01:46:25.600 --> 01:46:28.440 it's already a state in which you're existing, 1511 01:46:28.440 --> 01:46:30.160 but it's coming into agreement with 1512 01:46:30.160 --> 01:46:33.320 and acknowledging that that's the case. 1513 01:46:33.320 --> 01:46:36.160 So the nice thing is everything's already been done. 1514 01:46:36.160 --> 01:46:38.240 It's just that we have to agree with it 1515 01:46:38.240 --> 01:46:41.600 in order for us to finally be able to operate in it. 1516 01:46:41.600 --> 01:46:45.440 So do we agree by, like, I guess part of me wonders, 1517 01:46:45.440 --> 01:46:47.520 okay, so then why do all these bad things happen? 1518 01:46:47.520 --> 01:46:50.000 Do all of them happen because God says, 1519 01:46:50.000 --> 01:46:52.160 I'm going to allow this based on, you know, 1520 01:46:52.160 --> 01:46:54.280 I created the enemy, he's fallen, 1521 01:46:54.280 --> 01:46:56.760 and he's providing a lot of these experiences 1522 01:46:56.760 --> 01:46:58.960 for people in the physical realm. 1523 01:46:58.960 --> 01:47:01.520 Is God saying, I know that all of this is going to happen, 1524 01:47:01.520 --> 01:47:04.240 and I already have plans to bring good from all of it, 1525 01:47:04.240 --> 01:47:08.080 just be in spirit with me and trust me? 1526 01:47:08.080 --> 01:47:10.280 Or is all that stuff just random 1527 01:47:10.280 --> 01:47:12.800 and God might not bring good out of it? 1528 01:47:13.720 --> 01:47:15.240 Oh no, God says that he promises 1529 01:47:15.240 --> 01:47:17.160 that he always brings good out of it 1530 01:47:17.160 --> 01:47:18.800 for those that love him 1531 01:47:18.800 --> 01:47:20.800 and are called according to his purpose. 1532 01:47:21.240 --> 01:47:26.240 And, but sin is here because everyone, 1533 01:47:26.840 --> 01:47:29.440 because man and Satan had free will. 1534 01:47:30.640 --> 01:47:34.160 Satan chose, but then remember that it's not Satan 1535 01:47:34.160 --> 01:47:36.920 who brought sin into the world. 1536 01:47:36.920 --> 01:47:39.240 It was mankind, it was Adam. 1537 01:47:39.240 --> 01:47:44.240 And he had, and so that's why Satan had to talk to Eve 1538 01:47:44.520 --> 01:47:47.360 and get her to use her own power against herself. 1539 01:47:48.360 --> 01:47:51.560 But the thing is that what God did and Jesus did 1540 01:47:51.560 --> 01:47:53.840 is he released us and he freed us 1541 01:47:53.840 --> 01:47:58.840 from being subject to and enslaved by sin. 1542 01:47:59.960 --> 01:48:02.560 Now we're not enslaved by sin 1543 01:48:02.560 --> 01:48:04.640 like they were back in the Old Testament, 1544 01:48:04.640 --> 01:48:07.080 except for the fact that we think we are. 1545 01:48:07.080 --> 01:48:08.280 So if we think we are, 1546 01:48:08.280 --> 01:48:10.160 we act like the people in the Old Testament 1547 01:48:10.160 --> 01:48:12.080 who were truly enslaved. 1548 01:48:12.080 --> 01:48:15.840 Therefore it manifests in our life as if we were enslaved. 1549 01:48:15.880 --> 01:48:18.080 But God says, yeah, but you're not. 1550 01:48:18.080 --> 01:48:20.480 So in order for it to finally manifest in your life 1551 01:48:20.480 --> 01:48:22.440 that you're not enslaved, 1552 01:48:22.440 --> 01:48:23.920 you just don't believe it anymore. 1553 01:48:23.920 --> 01:48:26.160 You just don't, you come out of agreement with it 1554 01:48:26.160 --> 01:48:29.400 and you come into agreement with what it is that I say. 1555 01:48:29.400 --> 01:48:32.120 So God didn't bring sin into the world. 1556 01:48:32.120 --> 01:48:34.680 He doesn't cause all of the problems that we experience, 1557 01:48:34.680 --> 01:48:36.760 all of the suffering, all the whatever. 1558 01:48:36.760 --> 01:48:39.040 So we get, it's surprising how, 1559 01:48:39.040 --> 01:48:42.760 and I've been very guilty of this myself, 1560 01:48:42.760 --> 01:48:46.000 that we so often get caught up in the whole thing 1561 01:48:46.000 --> 01:48:50.200 of like, did God allow and does God allow and whatever. 1562 01:48:50.200 --> 01:48:53.280 We have free will, which is what allowed him 1563 01:48:53.280 --> 01:48:58.280 to be freely, for him to be freely chosen in love by us 1564 01:49:02.880 --> 01:49:04.800 because he didn't force us to. 1565 01:49:04.800 --> 01:49:07.520 We choose of our own free will whether or not to love him. 1566 01:49:07.520 --> 01:49:11.040 And so anyway, in order to do that, he gave us free will. 1567 01:49:11.040 --> 01:49:14.320 So we get to choose whether or not we come to agreement 1568 01:49:14.320 --> 01:49:16.080 and he gives us such power and authority 1569 01:49:16.080 --> 01:49:18.760 that if we are out of agreement with the Lord, 1570 01:49:18.760 --> 01:49:19.640 well, then all of a sudden, 1571 01:49:19.640 --> 01:49:22.200 all of the sin starts manifesting to the world. 1572 01:49:23.660 --> 01:49:24.920 But the nice thing is God says 1573 01:49:24.920 --> 01:49:27.520 that even if other people sin against you, 1574 01:49:27.520 --> 01:49:30.340 because you are free and they don't, 1575 01:49:30.340 --> 01:49:32.880 they're not in alignment with, in agreement with me, 1576 01:49:32.880 --> 01:49:34.880 but you're in alignment and agreement with me. 1577 01:49:34.880 --> 01:49:39.220 Even if they sin against you, it cannot affect you 1578 01:49:39.220 --> 01:49:41.060 if you choose that you're in alignment 1579 01:49:41.060 --> 01:49:42.220 and in agreement with me. 1580 01:49:42.220 --> 01:49:43.740 You choose that you're not captive. 1581 01:49:43.740 --> 01:49:47.140 You choose that you're not, that you are free. 1582 01:49:47.140 --> 01:49:52.140 So sin can't overcome us. 1583 01:49:52.220 --> 01:49:56.580 Jesus gave up his life. 1584 01:49:56.580 --> 01:49:59.860 He said, into your hands, I commend my spirit, Lord. 1585 01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:02.720 Jesus gave up his life. 1586 01:50:02.720 --> 01:50:04.840 God didn't even take the life of Jesus, 1587 01:50:04.840 --> 01:50:06.360 meaning like God the Father, 1588 01:50:06.360 --> 01:50:07.840 didn't even take the life of Jesus. 1589 01:50:07.840 --> 01:50:10.280 Jesus, and that's one of the things 1590 01:50:10.280 --> 01:50:12.160 that God required of Jesus. 1591 01:50:12.160 --> 01:50:14.880 He's like, hey, look, got a partner with me on this, 1592 01:50:14.880 --> 01:50:17.240 and this is what I want you to do. 1593 01:50:17.240 --> 01:50:20.240 And so Jesus said, okay, Lord, 1594 01:50:20.240 --> 01:50:22.840 your will, not mine, be done. 1595 01:50:23.760 --> 01:50:25.160 So on the cross, 1596 01:50:25.160 --> 01:50:27.640 then he made that decision to go into Gethsemane, 1597 01:50:27.640 --> 01:50:28.480 then on the cross, he's like, 1598 01:50:28.600 --> 01:50:31.360 okay, into your hands, I commend my spirit. 1599 01:50:31.360 --> 01:50:35.240 Jesus had to give up his own life. 1600 01:50:35.240 --> 01:50:39.400 So God doesn't create all of these bad things 1601 01:50:39.400 --> 01:50:43.920 and just stand idly by while people are doing whatever, 1602 01:50:43.920 --> 01:50:45.280 when he's like, oh, well, 1603 01:50:45.280 --> 01:50:48.440 I could step in and control the situation and whatever. 1604 01:50:48.440 --> 01:50:51.480 No, we're the ones who are doing this. 1605 01:50:51.480 --> 01:50:52.640 This is our bedroom. 1606 01:50:52.640 --> 01:50:54.960 And God's like, y'all clean it up. 1607 01:50:54.960 --> 01:50:58.120 Now, he doesn't mean that like he's abandoned us, 1608 01:50:58.760 --> 01:51:02.960 but the heavens are the Lord's 1609 01:51:02.960 --> 01:51:04.760 and the earth was given to man. 1610 01:51:04.760 --> 01:51:06.520 It says that in the Bible. 1611 01:51:06.520 --> 01:51:08.520 He's like, okay, partner with me on this. 1612 01:51:08.520 --> 01:51:12.160 I want you to look like, I want you to make earth look, 1613 01:51:12.160 --> 01:51:13.400 I want you to look like your father. 1614 01:51:13.400 --> 01:51:16.760 And as your father, I've created these things in heaven 1615 01:51:16.760 --> 01:51:19.200 and I created heaven in a particular way. 1616 01:51:19.200 --> 01:51:21.360 I now want you to do the same thing to earth 1617 01:51:21.360 --> 01:51:23.240 that I did in heaven. 1618 01:51:23.240 --> 01:51:25.560 Look like me, bring dominion. 1619 01:51:25.560 --> 01:51:27.360 And I'm gonna coach you, teach you, 1620 01:51:27.360 --> 01:51:29.520 father you into how to do that. 1621 01:51:29.520 --> 01:51:33.440 But we've, we don't, 1622 01:51:33.440 --> 01:51:36.640 aren't taking our own sense of responsibility 1623 01:51:36.640 --> 01:51:39.640 for the fact that things happen the way that they do. 1624 01:51:39.640 --> 01:51:42.080 We look at God and like, God, you know, 1625 01:51:42.080 --> 01:51:44.000 I heard it described like this one time 1626 01:51:44.000 --> 01:51:44.840 and I really like it. 1627 01:51:44.840 --> 01:51:47.760 It's like, you know, God, why are there earthquakes? 1628 01:51:48.840 --> 01:51:50.880 When God's look at us going, 1629 01:51:50.880 --> 01:51:53.680 Ashley, why are there earthquakes? 1630 01:51:53.680 --> 01:51:56.480 That is your problem, that's your bedroom. 1631 01:51:56.480 --> 01:51:58.400 I'm fathering you into this 1632 01:51:58.400 --> 01:52:00.720 and how to clean up your bedroom. 1633 01:52:00.720 --> 01:52:02.320 Why aren't you cleaning it up? 1634 01:52:02.320 --> 01:52:05.600 Don't complain to me about the fact that you have messed up. 1635 01:52:05.600 --> 01:52:07.960 You know, you're the one who made your room messy. 1636 01:52:07.960 --> 01:52:09.440 He's like, I'll father you into it 1637 01:52:09.440 --> 01:52:10.880 and I'll teach you how to do it. 1638 01:52:10.880 --> 01:52:12.720 But don't blame me for the sin 1639 01:52:12.720 --> 01:52:14.480 that you brought into the world. 1640 01:52:14.480 --> 01:52:16.880 Like, I haven't abandoned you, 1641 01:52:16.880 --> 01:52:18.480 we're gonna do this together, 1642 01:52:18.480 --> 01:52:22.920 but I'm not causing these terrible, awful things. 1643 01:52:23.240 --> 01:52:26.320 And anyway, that's a very, 1644 01:52:26.320 --> 01:52:28.960 it's painting the idea of the very big broad brushstroke, 1645 01:52:28.960 --> 01:52:31.160 but I'm just trying to make a point. 1646 01:52:31.160 --> 01:52:33.120 So if he, I feel like though, 1647 01:52:33.120 --> 01:52:35.520 because he has authority over everything, 1648 01:52:35.520 --> 01:52:37.720 he allows things, I could be wrong, 1649 01:52:37.720 --> 01:52:40.480 but I feel like he allows things to happen 1650 01:52:40.480 --> 01:52:42.920 knowing the beginning from the end 1651 01:52:42.920 --> 01:52:46.360 and that he is gonna work everything together for good. 1652 01:52:46.360 --> 01:52:48.840 Or does he just like wait until something happens 1653 01:52:48.840 --> 01:52:51.280 and he's like, okay, you made this choice, 1654 01:52:51.280 --> 01:52:53.480 but I'm still gonna work it together for good. 1655 01:52:55.560 --> 01:52:58.640 Oh, you mean, okay, sorry, I was trying to, 1656 01:52:58.640 --> 01:53:01.320 I think I understand what you're asking. 1657 01:53:01.320 --> 01:53:04.880 So does he allow it versus like he just watches it, 1658 01:53:04.880 --> 01:53:06.320 watches it happen? 1659 01:53:06.320 --> 01:53:09.440 So it's very interesting thing. 1660 01:53:09.440 --> 01:53:12.520 There's an element in which he does, 1661 01:53:12.520 --> 01:53:15.400 I think that maybe he does touch things, 1662 01:53:15.400 --> 01:53:19.840 but kind of like a parent does with a really small child. 1663 01:53:19.840 --> 01:53:22.280 They control their child's environment 1664 01:53:22.280 --> 01:53:24.880 in order to make sure that it's a safe place. 1665 01:53:24.880 --> 01:53:28.800 But the point is to get the child to mature 1666 01:53:28.800 --> 01:53:31.720 to the point where they make certain decisions 1667 01:53:31.720 --> 01:53:34.760 for themselves and they're fathered into it slowly. 1668 01:53:34.760 --> 01:53:36.840 You know, okay, you need to wear these shoes. 1669 01:53:36.840 --> 01:53:38.400 I don't wanna wear these shoes. 1670 01:53:38.400 --> 01:53:39.640 You're going to wear these shoes. 1671 01:53:39.640 --> 01:53:42.760 I'm the mommy, I get to decide this is what you do. 1672 01:53:42.760 --> 01:53:45.280 You don't get to decide your shoes when you're little. 1673 01:53:45.280 --> 01:53:47.000 Then as you get older, then your mommy says, 1674 01:53:47.000 --> 01:53:49.600 okay, you can choose these shoes or these shoes. 1675 01:53:50.360 --> 01:53:51.200 They limit the choice. 1676 01:53:51.200 --> 01:53:52.400 They teach a child how to make choices. 1677 01:53:52.400 --> 01:53:54.400 They don't give them like five 1678 01:53:54.400 --> 01:53:55.920 because the child is just overwhelmed. 1679 01:53:55.920 --> 01:53:56.880 They're like, well, I don't know. 1680 01:53:56.880 --> 01:53:58.960 I wanna wear my pretty red sparkly shoes. 1681 01:53:58.960 --> 01:54:01.040 No, sweetie, we're going to play at the playground. 1682 01:54:01.040 --> 01:54:02.200 You can't wear those. 1683 01:54:02.200 --> 01:54:04.360 The mom gives them two different choices, 1684 01:54:04.360 --> 01:54:06.240 teaches them how to start making decisions. 1685 01:54:06.240 --> 01:54:08.000 Then as they get older, then they're like, 1686 01:54:08.000 --> 01:54:13.000 hey, I have been taught how to make practical decisions. 1687 01:54:14.120 --> 01:54:16.080 And so I look at my entire closet, 1688 01:54:16.080 --> 01:54:17.760 what shoes do I wanna wear? 1689 01:54:17.760 --> 01:54:18.760 And then eventually it gets to the point 1690 01:54:18.760 --> 01:54:20.560 where you can buy your own shoes. 1691 01:54:20.560 --> 01:54:22.360 And so there's a fathering into it. 1692 01:54:22.360 --> 01:54:24.680 So while we're being fathered into it, 1693 01:54:24.680 --> 01:54:27.080 there's an element of our environment 1694 01:54:27.080 --> 01:54:32.000 that he controls in order to make sure 1695 01:54:32.000 --> 01:54:32.960 that it's a safe place 1696 01:54:32.960 --> 01:54:36.280 that we don't destroy ourselves while we're learning. 1697 01:54:36.280 --> 01:54:41.280 However, even as much as we, 1698 01:54:41.440 --> 01:54:45.920 even for little kids, we don't control everything. 1699 01:54:45.920 --> 01:54:47.400 We don't micromanage everything. 1700 01:54:47.440 --> 01:54:48.480 And so even if they still have a will 1701 01:54:48.480 --> 01:54:50.600 and to say whatever they want, 1702 01:54:50.600 --> 01:54:52.200 mommy, I hate you. 1703 01:54:52.200 --> 01:54:55.240 Daddy is just like, what am I gonna take that from? 1704 01:54:55.240 --> 01:54:57.360 They're going to still do things. 1705 01:54:57.360 --> 01:55:00.160 So God's not gonna prevent us from saying. 1706 01:55:00.000 --> 01:55:05.680 I hate you, you know, just like we don't prevent our children from doing that. 1707 01:55:05.680 --> 01:55:12.400 So there's, it's this, it's not this perfect formula strategy, it's all neat and tidy. 1708 01:55:12.400 --> 01:55:19.760 It's like this, it's a relationship and relationship is hard, hard to describe. 1709 01:55:19.760 --> 01:55:24.200 So there's an element in which yes, he provides safe environment and there's an element of 1710 01:55:24.200 --> 01:55:29.600 quote unquote control, but it's not control like puppets or robots or something like that. 1711 01:55:29.600 --> 01:55:32.600 The whole purpose is to father us into it. 1712 01:55:32.600 --> 01:55:38.600 So and there's a level to which all of us are given the opportunity at our free will 1713 01:55:38.600 --> 01:55:41.760 to make choices because God will not force himself. 1714 01:55:41.760 --> 01:55:46.960 Like for instance, we don't force a child to stop crying because that would suffocate 1715 01:55:46.960 --> 01:55:47.960 it. 1716 01:55:47.960 --> 01:55:51.160 You know, you know, the only way to get a child to stop crying, you know, unless you're 1717 01:55:51.160 --> 01:55:55.480 like trying to coerce it and trying to teach them how to stop crying, but we had put a 1718 01:55:55.480 --> 01:55:58.360 pillow over their mouth or something. 1719 01:55:58.520 --> 01:55:59.520 It's the same way. 1720 01:55:59.520 --> 01:56:06.560 He's not going to force if we're just really exerting our, our, our, our free will, there's, 1721 01:56:06.560 --> 01:56:10.840 there's certain levels, certain degrees to which he'll go and certain degrees he won't. 1722 01:56:10.840 --> 01:56:17.120 Like some people still kill themselves on drugs or like, God, you allowed it to happen. 1723 01:56:17.120 --> 01:56:18.120 Where were you? 1724 01:56:18.120 --> 01:56:20.120 Aren't you responsible for this? 1725 01:56:20.120 --> 01:56:21.120 No. 1726 01:56:21.120 --> 01:56:22.640 He provided them ample opportunity. 1727 01:56:22.640 --> 01:56:25.360 He provided them certain opportunities, choices. 1728 01:56:25.360 --> 01:56:26.360 He talked to their spirit. 1729 01:56:26.360 --> 01:56:32.160 He gave them opportunity and they continue to be very dogmatic in what it is that they 1730 01:56:32.160 --> 01:56:33.160 chose. 1731 01:56:33.160 --> 01:56:39.880 So anyway, and then, and then prayer, like how much does prayer change the situation? 1732 01:56:39.880 --> 01:56:45.520 Like when you pray to God and ask him, does that have a massive effect on whether he's 1733 01:56:45.520 --> 01:56:48.120 going to come in and make a change? 1734 01:56:48.120 --> 01:56:53.040 Um, yes, but I guess I don't understand really what, what you mean. 1735 01:56:53.040 --> 01:56:57.200 Um, I mean, cause yes, we, he is extremely affected by us. 1736 01:56:57.200 --> 01:57:01.160 I mean, so much so that it says in the Bible, it says in song of Solomon that he has to 1737 01:57:01.160 --> 01:57:05.720 turn his eyes away from us because we overwhelm him so much. 1738 01:57:05.720 --> 01:57:11.560 Um, we, we greatly affect him, but, and so when we pray, yes, we can move the heart of 1739 01:57:11.560 --> 01:57:12.560 God. 1740 01:57:12.560 --> 01:57:16.600 And it says that God, it says multiple times in the scripture that God repented, meaning 1741 01:57:16.600 --> 01:57:20.880 that he stopped doing one thing and he decided to do something else because someone petitioned 1742 01:57:20.880 --> 01:57:21.880 him to do so. 1743 01:57:22.040 --> 01:57:27.320 The people of Nineveh, when they repented, then God said he changed his mind. 1744 01:57:27.320 --> 01:57:31.920 And then when Moses, um, said, uh, God was going to wipe out the children of Israel and 1745 01:57:31.920 --> 01:57:33.960 Moses said, no Lord, please don't. 1746 01:57:33.960 --> 01:57:37.600 Um, and Jesus and Lord said, no, seriously out of the way. 1747 01:57:37.600 --> 01:57:41.880 And I said, no, seriously, Lord, you know, protect your reputation. 1748 01:57:41.880 --> 01:57:44.560 And God said, okay, fine. 1749 01:57:44.560 --> 01:57:45.560 You know, I won't. 1750 01:57:45.560 --> 01:57:48.200 So he, he does allow ourselves to be greatly affected by him. 1751 01:57:48.200 --> 01:57:52.520 We can pray and we can ask that he changed what it was that he was going to do. 1752 01:57:52.520 --> 01:57:56.360 Um, but he doesn't always do that. 1753 01:57:56.360 --> 01:57:58.000 I mean, it depends on the situation. 1754 01:57:58.000 --> 01:58:01.720 So I guess, did I answer your question or were you asking a different way? 1755 01:58:01.720 --> 01:58:03.520 No, I think that answered it. 1756 01:58:03.520 --> 01:58:08.200 I think I just wanted to understand how much of a difference that would make if somebody 1757 01:58:08.200 --> 01:58:14.280 was in a really tough situation, but they were praying for God to come in and intervene, 1758 01:58:14.280 --> 01:58:20.200 like how often he does or not even how often, cause I don't think we can calculate how often, 1759 01:58:20.200 --> 01:58:26.040 but you know, how willing is he to come in and say, okay, and then what, what's the right 1760 01:58:26.040 --> 01:58:29.240 setup for him to come in and say, okay, I'm going to do this. 1761 01:58:29.240 --> 01:58:31.360 Is it full surrender? 1762 01:58:31.360 --> 01:58:35.840 Is it just because he feels like it, like Paul on the road to Damascus or like, I don't 1763 01:58:35.840 --> 01:58:36.840 know. 1764 01:58:36.840 --> 01:58:39.960 I think I'm, and I know I'm in a place of like understanding and knowing, and I know 1765 01:58:39.960 --> 01:58:42.160 that's the soul. 1766 01:58:42.240 --> 01:58:47.720 Um, so it's like allowing the spirit to come in and cover all of this knowledge that I 1767 01:58:47.720 --> 01:58:51.520 want and it's tricky. 1768 01:58:51.520 --> 01:58:54.440 Knowledge is where we're used to feeling safe. 1769 01:58:54.440 --> 01:58:56.480 So if I have knowledge, then I feel safe. 1770 01:58:56.480 --> 01:58:58.080 So it's like, I want to feel safe. 1771 01:58:58.080 --> 01:58:59.080 So we go to knowledge. 1772 01:58:59.080 --> 01:59:02.760 It's, it's, it's a habit, you know, and there's, and, and God's fine with that. 1773 01:59:02.760 --> 01:59:04.480 You know, God's fine giving us knowledge and all of that. 1774 01:59:04.480 --> 01:59:07.920 I just mentioned that it's, it's, that's, that's why we do this. 1775 01:59:07.920 --> 01:59:10.440 We're wanting to feel, we're wanting to feel safe. 1776 01:59:10.440 --> 01:59:13.360 Like how safe can I feel with the Lord? 1777 01:59:13.360 --> 01:59:16.360 Can I, can I, do I choose to fully abandon myself? 1778 01:59:16.360 --> 01:59:18.360 We're trying to reduce the risk. 1779 01:59:18.360 --> 01:59:21.440 We're trying to make the gap that we're going to have to leap. 1780 01:59:21.440 --> 01:59:25.720 We're going to have to leap, but we're trying to make the gap of, of having to leap shorter 1781 01:59:25.720 --> 01:59:28.960 and shorter and shorter so that it's not as much of a risk. 1782 01:59:28.960 --> 01:59:33.000 And sometimes God's like, nope, can't close the gap anymore. 1783 01:59:33.000 --> 01:59:34.000 Yeah. 1784 01:59:34.000 --> 01:59:35.000 Yeah. 1785 01:59:35.000 --> 01:59:36.000 It's interesting. 1786 01:59:36.000 --> 01:59:40.400 It's like, yeah, no, I appreciate everything you've shared. 1787 01:59:41.360 --> 01:59:42.600 I appreciate it. 1788 01:59:42.600 --> 01:59:48.440 I think I'm still in this place of wanting to bring that spirit down to cover up the 1789 01:59:48.440 --> 01:59:55.120 soul and the physical, to have authority over the soul and the physical so that I can live 1790 01:59:55.120 --> 01:59:57.280 more and more free. 1791 01:59:57.280 --> 02:00:00.000 And there are these kind of competing commitments where I'm more committed. 1792 02:00:00.000 --> 02:00:04.660 to wanting to tell my story and wanting it to make a difference in people's 1793 02:00:04.660 --> 02:00:09.660 lives and help them. Whereas God might be saying I just want you to live in the 1794 02:00:09.660 --> 02:00:13.580 spirit and you're gonna make more of a difference if you're there than you will 1795 02:00:13.580 --> 02:00:17.820 if you're trying to figure all this out and share this and maybe like what you 1796 02:00:17.820 --> 02:00:21.500 said if I shifted to the spirit then he'll start to release more of his plan 1797 02:00:21.500 --> 02:00:29.180 for me but he's just waiting for me to surrender fully. Yeah so I like what you 1798 02:00:29.180 --> 02:00:36.320 were saying and the you know it doesn't mean that God's not going to use it and 1799 02:00:36.320 --> 02:00:40.040 that God's not going to do all of the things that you're talking about what 1800 02:00:40.040 --> 02:00:46.240 he's concerned about is and is when our identities wrapped up in it and it 1801 02:00:46.240 --> 02:00:52.880 matters to us and so often he'll wait and he won't allow something a lot of 1802 02:00:52.880 --> 02:00:56.240 that's kind of a weird way to word it but let's let me just word it that way 1803 02:00:56.240 --> 02:01:02.880 there's just be faster to explain he won't allow and something and he's like 1804 02:01:02.880 --> 02:01:08.080 no we're not going to use it yet and we're not going to and it can't move 1805 02:01:08.080 --> 02:01:14.320 forward until you aren't identified with it anymore because if you if you if it 1806 02:01:14.320 --> 02:01:17.240 moves forward while you're identified with it it's gonna either create 1807 02:01:17.240 --> 02:01:21.680 destruction or it's gonna keep you in greater captivity and I want you to live 1808 02:01:21.680 --> 02:01:27.520 in freedom and so he's like so let's release you really separate your 1809 02:01:27.520 --> 02:01:33.640 identity from it first then you can move forward in it in a very and we can use 1810 02:01:33.640 --> 02:01:37.760 it in a healthy way but right now it's too attached to it kind of like some 1811 02:01:37.760 --> 02:01:43.040 people God's just there's so many things that were our identities is attached to 1812 02:01:43.040 --> 02:01:50.280 certain things and God's like okay work we can't and we're just going to I'm not 1813 02:01:50.280 --> 02:01:53.280 I don't want to move you in a ministry like he does this with people in 1814 02:01:53.280 --> 02:01:57.600 ministries I don't want to move you into ministry until it no longer matters to 1815 02:01:57.600 --> 02:02:02.240 you I don't want you to get married until it no longer matters to you I 1816 02:02:02.240 --> 02:02:06.000 don't want you to have children until it no longer matters to you because he said 1817 02:02:06.000 --> 02:02:11.120 because some people it matters to them too much and that their identity is all 1818 02:02:11.120 --> 02:02:15.000 wrapped up in it and they're enslaved by it and God is much more interested in 1819 02:02:15.000 --> 02:02:20.320 our freedom than in our then what it is that we want because if we don't if we 1820 02:02:20.320 --> 02:02:26.560 don't have it if if the thing that we gain is not gained in freedom it's 1821 02:02:26.560 --> 02:02:33.720 destructive and there is in death and not life in it so it doesn't yeah anyway 1822 02:02:33.720 --> 02:02:37.440 so it's not like you're we're giving it what it's not that God's not going to 1823 02:02:37.440 --> 02:02:42.800 use it it's that our identities wrapped up in it I have a pastor that used to be 1824 02:02:42.800 --> 02:02:45.720 at our church and he's not anymore he went and branched off and started his 1825 02:02:45.720 --> 02:02:50.920 own church and it was kind of a little of an interesting situation but he has a 1826 02:02:50.920 --> 02:02:55.840 lot of that he has a lot of his ego wrapped up in how many people attend on 1827 02:02:55.840 --> 02:02:59.480 a Sunday morning how many new people they can get in growing his church to 1828 02:02:59.480 --> 02:03:04.160 two services and then getting enough money and building but it's all it's all 1829 02:03:04.160 --> 02:03:13.280 wrapped up in ego and that's exactly what his situation is I think is he is 1830 02:03:13.280 --> 02:03:19.480 he's wondering why his church isn't growing and I've always said to my 1831 02:03:19.480 --> 02:03:25.360 friend who so like the people that I'm close to who started the church that I 1832 02:03:25.360 --> 02:03:29.920 go to when he was working for them I always had these feelings but I never 1833 02:03:29.920 --> 02:03:35.520 talked about it until she confided some things in me about her relationship with 1834 02:03:35.520 --> 02:03:40.840 him and I was like yeah that's what I've kind of thought for so long that you 1835 02:03:40.840 --> 02:03:44.720 know now his church isn't growing and he's concerned and he's and I'm like he 1836 02:03:44.720 --> 02:03:51.320 just hasn't let go of this desire to have so many bodies and it's not about 1837 02:03:51.320 --> 02:03:55.400 him being set free it's about well he went through trauma when he was young 1838 02:03:55.400 --> 02:04:01.280 with his dad and I'm like it's probably he hasn't fully healed from that and 1839 02:04:01.280 --> 02:04:05.760 there's still this I need to prove myself thing I need to have all of these 1840 02:04:05.760 --> 02:04:08.960 things in place and then I'll feel good about myself but he's not really living 1841 02:04:08.960 --> 02:04:13.240 in the spirit and you know I look at him as a more extreme example but I look at 1842 02:04:13.240 --> 02:04:18.160 myself as an example of that too it's like I'm sure even though I've worked on 1843 02:04:18.160 --> 02:04:21.360 that a lot and I'm really aware of it I'm sure there's still parts of me that 1844 02:04:21.400 --> 02:04:27.640 I'm wrapped up in wanting certain things to turn out a certain way so that I feel 1845 02:04:27.640 --> 02:04:32.240 like I've been in my purpose I feel like all this happened to me for a reason I 1846 02:04:32.240 --> 02:04:37.560 feel like I'm reaching some imaginary level I'm supposed to reach on this 1847 02:04:37.560 --> 02:04:43.080 earth so that God's gonna be proud of me mm-hmm yeah yeah exactly no that's 1848 02:04:43.080 --> 02:04:49.520 exactly it yeah yeah that's it that's a good it's a good point and then and what 1849 02:04:49.520 --> 02:04:53.800 we often do is we shift our identity from one thing to another like our 1850 02:04:53.800 --> 02:04:59.360 identity could be in you know what it is you were trying to find a new age and 1851 02:04:59.360 --> 02:05:02.200 then it 1852 02:05:00.000 --> 02:05:05.000 was, oh, now I'm a new ager who's been saved, 1853 02:05:05.000 --> 02:05:06.520 and I'm a Christian. 1854 02:05:06.520 --> 02:05:09.640 So that's some kind of an interesting identity. 1855 02:05:09.640 --> 02:05:14.320 And then now I'm trying to find identity, which 1856 02:05:14.320 --> 02:05:19.680 I'm now in this cult. And then leaving the cult, 1857 02:05:19.680 --> 02:05:21.800 I now need a new sense of identity, 1858 02:05:21.800 --> 02:05:23.800 which would be to create purpose out 1859 02:05:23.800 --> 02:05:25.400 of what it is I went through. 1860 02:05:25.400 --> 02:05:27.520 We're always trying to find something 1861 02:05:27.520 --> 02:05:29.920 to tell us who it is that we are, 1862 02:05:29.920 --> 02:05:34.520 or how it is that our life has, and what 1863 02:05:34.520 --> 02:05:36.960 it is that we have to offer in our contribution 1864 02:05:36.960 --> 02:05:38.920 is valuable to the Lord. 1865 02:05:38.920 --> 02:05:43.240 So where is it that God is seeing value in me? 1866 02:05:43.240 --> 02:05:45.040 God's seeing value in the fact that I've 1867 02:05:45.040 --> 02:05:47.760 been through all of this, but I chose him anyway. 1868 02:05:47.760 --> 02:05:51.320 And now I can talk to other people about it. 1869 02:05:51.320 --> 02:05:55.080 And therefore, I can help other people through their trauma, 1870 02:05:55.080 --> 02:05:57.000 just like the Lord helped me. 1871 02:05:57.000 --> 02:06:00.440 It's all of these ways in which we're trying to understand 1872 02:06:00.440 --> 02:06:03.360 where, and we're trying to look for, OK, why does God, 1873 02:06:03.360 --> 02:06:06.120 God says that he loves me, why would he love me? 1874 02:06:06.120 --> 02:06:07.440 Well, he loves me because of this. 1875 02:06:07.440 --> 02:06:10.120 He loves me, and we're attaching it to all of these things. 1876 02:06:10.120 --> 02:06:13.720 And God's like, no, I love you because you're just you, 1877 02:06:13.720 --> 02:06:15.400 not because you like Mexican food, 1878 02:06:15.400 --> 02:06:17.560 not because you make these choices, 1879 02:06:17.560 --> 02:06:19.040 not because you look like this, not 1880 02:06:19.040 --> 02:06:21.240 because you married this person. 1881 02:06:21.240 --> 02:06:24.360 It's who it is that we are in the spirit, which 1882 02:06:24.360 --> 02:06:29.520 is perfectly sufficient. 1883 02:06:29.520 --> 02:06:35.400 And we then have to choose that we can't see on this earth 1884 02:06:35.400 --> 02:06:40.280 the reason for which anything that can tell us 1885 02:06:40.280 --> 02:06:45.080 why God loves us, why God likes us, 1886 02:06:45.080 --> 02:06:50.320 it's just an outward expression of the fact that he does. 1887 02:06:50.320 --> 02:06:53.680 But none of it can tell us why. 1888 02:06:53.960 --> 02:06:54.840 It's interesting. 1889 02:06:54.840 --> 02:06:57.000 This whole conversation is so interesting 1890 02:06:57.000 --> 02:07:01.880 because you shared the pain in your experience 1891 02:07:01.880 --> 02:07:07.040 of almost like bridging that gap and jumping over to just 1892 02:07:07.040 --> 02:07:08.440 releasing it and letting it go. 1893 02:07:08.440 --> 02:07:11.600 And as I'm thinking about even doing that, it's terrifying. 1894 02:07:11.600 --> 02:07:16.680 It's so painful to think about letting go of that 1895 02:07:16.680 --> 02:07:20.160 and just feels like the day I became a Christian, 1896 02:07:20.160 --> 02:07:23.080 when I'm like, I'm going to give God control over my life. 1897 02:07:23.080 --> 02:07:26.400 And I'm like, I really haven't given him full control. 1898 02:07:26.400 --> 02:07:29.520 I've given him control over a lot of things. 1899 02:07:29.520 --> 02:07:32.040 But then there's some things I just want to control. 1900 02:07:32.040 --> 02:07:36.400 And for me to let go of all of that 1901 02:07:36.400 --> 02:07:38.920 and think that he's not going to use it the way 1902 02:07:38.920 --> 02:07:43.840 that I want him to use it is like uber painful 1903 02:07:43.840 --> 02:07:44.480 to think about. 1904 02:07:44.480 --> 02:07:47.880 Like, it almost feels impossible in a way 1905 02:07:47.880 --> 02:07:51.400 to not have my identity in that because then I 1906 02:07:51.400 --> 02:07:52.920 don't know who I am. 1907 02:07:52.920 --> 02:07:54.600 But I know who I am in Christ. 1908 02:07:54.600 --> 02:08:00.160 But it's like, I feel like it's not enough to stand on. 1909 02:08:00.160 --> 02:08:01.360 Yeah, yeah. 1910 02:08:01.360 --> 02:08:04.080 No, you're absolutely right. 1911 02:08:04.080 --> 02:08:05.640 That is exactly it. 1912 02:08:05.640 --> 02:08:08.440 Because if we knew that we could stand on it, 1913 02:08:08.440 --> 02:08:10.120 we would have done it. 1914 02:08:10.120 --> 02:08:12.680 We don't feel like it'll sustain. 1915 02:08:12.680 --> 02:08:15.560 We don't feel like it'll hold us up. 1916 02:08:15.560 --> 02:08:19.120 We don't feel that it's sufficient. 1917 02:08:19.120 --> 02:08:25.240 And we feel that it's going to fall from underneath it, 1918 02:08:25.240 --> 02:08:27.760 that the bottom is going to fall out from underneath us. 1919 02:08:27.760 --> 02:08:28.840 But that's exactly it. 1920 02:08:28.840 --> 02:08:30.840 That's why we don't make the choice. 1921 02:08:30.840 --> 02:08:34.720 It's like, because Lord, I can't see it on the other side. 1922 02:08:34.720 --> 02:08:36.520 That's why it's faith. 1923 02:08:36.520 --> 02:08:40.800 It's because if we could see it, we would do it. 1924 02:08:40.800 --> 02:08:44.560 The terrifying thing is that we can't see it. 1925 02:08:44.560 --> 02:08:48.560 It does not make any sense whatsoever. 1926 02:08:48.560 --> 02:08:51.080 God's like, exactly, just do it. 1927 02:08:51.080 --> 02:08:52.280 How did you do it, then? 1928 02:08:52.280 --> 02:08:54.800 How did you get to the point where you were able to just say, 1929 02:08:54.800 --> 02:08:58.000 OK, I'm choosing it? 1930 02:08:58.000 --> 02:09:00.200 Well, I went through a lot of stuff 1931 02:09:00.200 --> 02:09:05.120 that I pray and ask the Lord you will not have to do. 1932 02:09:05.120 --> 02:09:12.480 A lot of anger, a lot of continuing 1933 02:09:12.480 --> 02:09:15.200 to just struggle and battle and insist that it was my way. 1934 02:09:15.200 --> 02:09:18.240 I was constantly trying to find another way to do it. 1935 02:09:18.240 --> 02:09:20.080 Another way that didn't hurt so bad, 1936 02:09:20.080 --> 02:09:22.960 another way that made me feel a little better, 1937 02:09:22.960 --> 02:09:26.160 made me feel a little safer, trying to reduce 1938 02:09:26.160 --> 02:09:28.600 that gap before I jumped. 1939 02:09:28.600 --> 02:09:30.600 Because I felt, oh, Lord, I'll jump eventually. 1940 02:09:30.600 --> 02:09:33.880 I understand you want me to jump. 1941 02:09:33.880 --> 02:09:35.960 Because for a while, I didn't want to jump at all, 1942 02:09:35.960 --> 02:09:38.160 and I just wanted him to do it for me. 1943 02:09:38.160 --> 02:09:39.720 Lord, push me into the fire. 1944 02:09:39.720 --> 02:09:41.120 I don't want to jump in the fire, 1945 02:09:41.120 --> 02:09:44.480 but I will allow you to push me in. 1946 02:09:44.480 --> 02:09:46.520 So for a while, it would be like that. 1947 02:09:46.520 --> 02:09:48.680 And eventually got to the point where I realized, OK, 1948 02:09:48.680 --> 02:09:49.800 God's not going to do it. 1949 02:09:49.800 --> 02:09:51.080 I have to do it. 1950 02:09:51.080 --> 02:09:56.800 But I was trying to, I was, but by the end, I knew that, 1951 02:09:56.800 --> 02:09:59.920 and I know I'm mixing metaphors here, but like to go to a gap, 1952 02:09:59.920 --> 02:10:01.480 it was. 1953 02:10:00.000 --> 02:10:02.280 or I'm having to like jump over or whatever, 1954 02:10:02.280 --> 02:10:03.320 I eventually got to the point of, 1955 02:10:03.320 --> 02:10:06.380 okay, apparently I'm the one who has to do it myself. 1956 02:10:06.380 --> 02:10:08.920 But then I kept focusing, 1957 02:10:08.920 --> 02:10:10.660 and we're talking about for years, 1958 02:10:10.660 --> 02:10:12.600 on trying to close the gap 1959 02:10:12.600 --> 02:10:16.080 so that I would only have to jump this far and not this far 1960 02:10:16.080 --> 02:10:18.140 so that the risk wasn't as high 1961 02:10:18.140 --> 02:10:19.520 and the gap just wouldn't move 1962 02:10:19.520 --> 02:10:21.360 no matter how many years I went 1963 02:10:21.360 --> 02:10:24.000 and how much I battled 1964 02:10:24.000 --> 02:10:27.000 and how much I cried and how much I was angry 1965 02:10:27.000 --> 02:10:30.400 and pounded the gates of heaven or whatever else. 1966 02:10:30.400 --> 02:10:33.560 And I just had to, I finally just had to choose. 1967 02:10:33.560 --> 02:10:38.560 So I, that I, so you're asking how I did it. 1968 02:10:39.320 --> 02:10:43.200 My point is that nothing worked. 1969 02:10:43.200 --> 02:10:45.440 I just had to do it. 1970 02:10:45.440 --> 02:10:47.480 I, there was nothing that, 1971 02:10:47.480 --> 02:10:49.400 I kept waiting for something else. 1972 02:10:49.400 --> 02:10:50.840 I kept waiting for it to be easier. 1973 02:10:50.840 --> 02:10:52.600 I kept waiting for more motivation. 1974 02:10:53.480 --> 02:10:56.360 So really the motivation that did increase 1975 02:10:56.400 --> 02:11:01.400 was the amount of pain was so bad. 1976 02:11:03.360 --> 02:11:07.400 It was, oh my word, it was awful. 1977 02:11:07.400 --> 02:11:12.400 And that was the only thing that changed over the years 1978 02:11:16.560 --> 02:11:19.600 was that the amount of pain increased. 1979 02:11:19.600 --> 02:11:21.640 So remember that it's the kindness of God 1980 02:11:21.640 --> 02:11:22.820 that leads to repentance, 1981 02:11:22.820 --> 02:11:24.400 meaning it's the kindness of God 1982 02:11:24.920 --> 02:11:27.200 that calls us to a new season, 1983 02:11:27.200 --> 02:11:29.320 that we desire just to repent from one season, 1984 02:11:29.320 --> 02:11:30.640 meaning that we stopped doing this 1985 02:11:30.640 --> 02:11:32.000 and we turned towards this, 1986 02:11:32.000 --> 02:11:33.960 even if this wasn't a sin, you know, 1987 02:11:33.960 --> 02:11:35.560 we're just leaving this season, 1988 02:11:35.560 --> 02:11:37.560 we're turning 180 degrees. 1989 02:11:37.560 --> 02:11:40.880 It's the kindness of God that leads us into new seasons. 1990 02:11:41.840 --> 02:11:45.000 So if God's kindness wasn't good enough, 1991 02:11:45.000 --> 02:11:47.160 because no matter how much he loved me 1992 02:11:47.160 --> 02:11:49.480 and showed how he was good, 1993 02:11:49.480 --> 02:11:51.200 I wasn't grabbing ahold of it 1994 02:11:51.200 --> 02:11:54.080 and claiming it to be drawn to it. 1995 02:11:54.920 --> 02:11:56.280 God's like, okay, fine. 1996 02:11:56.280 --> 02:12:00.160 I guess that you're just going to resist it so long 1997 02:12:00.160 --> 02:12:03.120 that what's going to finally be your motivation, 1998 02:12:03.120 --> 02:12:05.240 if you're refusing to allow my kindness 1999 02:12:05.240 --> 02:12:07.240 to be your motivation, 2000 02:12:07.240 --> 02:12:10.800 your pain is going to be your motivation. 2001 02:12:10.800 --> 02:12:14.000 That your desire, your desperate desire 2002 02:12:14.000 --> 02:12:16.080 to escape where you are, 2003 02:12:16.080 --> 02:12:18.300 which is a monster that you've been feeding all this time, 2004 02:12:18.300 --> 02:12:19.980 by the way, Ashley, 2005 02:12:19.980 --> 02:12:22.740 is going to have to build to be so great 2006 02:12:22.740 --> 02:12:25.740 before you allow yourself to jump. 2007 02:12:25.740 --> 02:12:30.740 So I just recommend to you that you just choose 2008 02:12:33.580 --> 02:12:37.980 in full abandonment in the pain that you're in 2009 02:12:37.980 --> 02:12:40.620 without waiting for it to get worse. 2010 02:12:41.740 --> 02:12:43.300 That's what I would recommend. 2011 02:12:43.300 --> 02:12:44.780 And I do not recommend that lightly 2012 02:12:44.780 --> 02:12:47.340 because I'm fully aware of what you have to do. 2013 02:12:48.340 --> 02:12:49.900 I remember how that feels. 2014 02:12:51.740 --> 02:12:53.340 It was life and death. 2015 02:12:53.340 --> 02:12:55.140 My body felt like it was going to die 2016 02:12:55.140 --> 02:12:57.260 because it's so attached to the soul. 2017 02:12:58.580 --> 02:13:00.020 And it was awful. 2018 02:13:00.020 --> 02:13:02.500 And I'm in the middle of the road driving. 2019 02:13:02.500 --> 02:13:04.900 And I literally, I remember thinking this, 2020 02:13:04.900 --> 02:13:08.020 it was so desperate. 2021 02:13:08.020 --> 02:13:10.260 I remember thinking, okay, Ashley, 2022 02:13:10.260 --> 02:13:12.580 if you give it up right now on the drive, 2023 02:13:12.580 --> 02:13:13.740 I was on a major freeway. 2024 02:13:13.740 --> 02:13:17.060 I mean, I live in Dallas, major huge highway. 2025 02:13:18.020 --> 02:13:20.780 And I thought, okay, so if I give this up to the Lord, 2026 02:13:22.100 --> 02:13:24.100 what's going to happen to my car? 2027 02:13:24.100 --> 02:13:25.900 Am I going to die? 2028 02:13:25.900 --> 02:13:27.380 And then it's going to let you veer off 2029 02:13:27.380 --> 02:13:29.500 and it's going to hit all of these other cars 2030 02:13:29.500 --> 02:13:30.340 and they're going to die. 2031 02:13:30.340 --> 02:13:31.940 I mean, it was like that. 2032 02:13:31.940 --> 02:13:33.860 I mean, I wasn't expecting the rapture or something, 2033 02:13:33.860 --> 02:13:34.980 but I'm telling you what, 2034 02:13:34.980 --> 02:13:37.540 my body was that attached to the fact 2035 02:13:37.540 --> 02:13:38.820 that I thought I was going to die. 2036 02:13:38.820 --> 02:13:40.300 And I made the choice. 2037 02:13:40.300 --> 02:13:42.300 So what happened after? 2038 02:13:42.300 --> 02:13:44.540 Oh, well, I made the choice. 2039 02:13:44.540 --> 02:13:48.740 I just, I, it wasn't just that I told, 2040 02:13:48.740 --> 02:13:51.500 it's not just me telling God, okay, God, I choose. 2041 02:13:51.500 --> 02:13:53.940 No, I had to shift. 2042 02:13:53.940 --> 02:13:57.940 I had to move it inside and take ownership of it 2043 02:13:57.940 --> 02:14:01.660 and throw myself into the fire or leap across the gap, 2044 02:14:01.660 --> 02:14:04.060 whichever metaphor you want to use, inside. 2045 02:14:04.060 --> 02:14:08.060 And when I did, and I just gave it all up, 2046 02:14:08.060 --> 02:14:09.820 forget what I'm telling the Lord. 2047 02:14:09.820 --> 02:14:12.460 I just, I just had to do the thing 2048 02:14:12.460 --> 02:14:13.620 without even talking to him. 2049 02:14:13.620 --> 02:14:15.900 I just did it inside. 2050 02:14:15.900 --> 02:14:20.900 And I remember immediately, immediately, 2051 02:14:23.500 --> 02:14:27.940 there was peace, immediate stillness 2052 02:14:27.940 --> 02:14:29.260 because I shifted into rest. 2053 02:14:29.260 --> 02:14:30.660 I was releasing and I didn't, 2054 02:14:30.660 --> 02:14:33.100 and God hadn't taught me about the principle of rest yet. 2055 02:14:33.100 --> 02:14:35.140 I immediately shifted into rest. 2056 02:14:35.140 --> 02:14:36.860 I immediately shifted into peace. 2057 02:14:36.860 --> 02:14:39.180 Everything inside me went still. 2058 02:14:39.180 --> 02:14:42.580 And I remember thinking, I'm still alive. 2059 02:14:44.660 --> 02:14:45.500 God's right. 2060 02:14:45.500 --> 02:14:47.060 There really is life on the other side. 2061 02:14:47.060 --> 02:14:50.820 And I hadn't felt that, I don't want to say empty, 2062 02:14:50.820 --> 02:14:55.820 but that still and that calm inside for I, 2063 02:14:55.940 --> 02:14:58.700 since I don't know when. 2064 02:14:58.700 --> 02:15:00.300 And I remember thinking when I. 2065 02:15:00.000 --> 02:15:15.600 Did it. I did not realize that it would could be this easy. That's all I had to do was let go because by easy. I mean, simple mean like it wasn't complicated. I didn't have to do all this stuff. I had to just stop doing 2066 02:15:16.560 --> 02:15:23.520 And I remember thinking, I cannot believe that all of these years and by that time it had been 2067 02:15:25.520 --> 02:15:26.640 It had been 12 years 2068 02:15:26.640 --> 02:15:36.160 And, and I, and I'm two men 12 years that I've been just like, and I technically it was longer than that. But it's been 12 years since I'd started depression. 2069 02:15:36.800 --> 02:15:48.960 And this time that I'm talking to you about was after I had been I had was no longer depressed and hadn't been depressed for several years. I'm still, it was, it was that it was really, really bad and I wouldn't even depressed. 2070 02:15:49.040 --> 02:15:56.960 But yeah, I just thought I have not felt this still in this piece and I cannot believe it. It was this simple and I bought all 2071 02:15:57.600 --> 02:16:13.760 I've expended all of my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual energy towards something that only required this simple thing for me to do. And I knew why I hadn't done it. But once I did it. It's kind of like, why didn't I do this earlier. 2072 02:16:13.760 --> 02:16:32.000 Understand, I was still in the same situation. I was in, I still had to go to the same work. I went to still go back to the same relationships that and deal with the same relationship issues. I've been dealing with it. These circumstances in my environment did not change in that moment, but I did. I was finally free. 2073 02:16:33.200 --> 02:16:38.400 And, and then just God began to move me from there, but it was fast. 2074 02:16:38.400 --> 02:16:48.320 But God began to, you know, I had a lot of issues after that, but that was the big one. That was, that was the big final letting go and complete abandonment. 2075 02:16:48.959 --> 02:16:57.120 Because I kept demanding that he makes sense and that he and that he reconcile and make restitution for what had happened to me. 2076 02:16:57.120 --> 02:17:22.320 And for what he'd done to me or what other people had done to me, or I don't know, whatever. And then at least make sense of it, even if, even if he didn't apologize or whatever, which sounds terrible that we say this about the Lord, but trust me, I'm just acknowledging the fact that that we all have what we all think and and and I just had to let it all go and just let it all be. And anyway, it is that. So that's what happened on the other side. Everything went still immediately. 2077 02:17:22.480 --> 02:17:33.920 And I thought, okay, so I drove in and I thought, this is amazing. Again, I still remember taking the off ramp and thinking in that piece and thinking, wow, this is great. And I didn't feel joyful. 2078 02:17:34.559 --> 02:17:43.680 I just felt I just felt at peace. Like, okay, no, no longer any strife. Just let it all go. And so now I'm just gonna put one foot in front of the other and I go to work. 2079 02:17:43.680 --> 02:17:47.040 But at least I'm not in torment. At least I'm not living in my own hell. 2080 02:17:48.400 --> 02:17:56.879 So I wouldn't happy I what I still didn't know how I could trust God. I still didn't believe you love me all those things, but I had let go. 2081 02:17:57.760 --> 02:18:02.000 And then did you eventually after letting go. Did it take long for you to see 2082 02:18:02.959 --> 02:18:25.520 Oh, aren't you kidding. I'm still learning that. I'm still struggling with that. I'm still learning all of that. So yeah, it did. But there were certain ways in which I moved very fast in which I felt his love and acceptance and very quickly. But yeah, I'm still I'm still on that journey. 2083 02:18:25.840 --> 02:18:32.879 Um, have you heard the story about Chuck eager. I think that's how you say his name. He was a pilot who broke the sound barrier. 2084 02:18:34.000 --> 02:18:42.639 I well I don't know. I don't remember if I have or not. But before you tell it to me. Do you mind if I use the restroom again really fast. 2085 02:18:42.639 --> 02:18:45.280 Oh, no, go ahead. No problem. Sorry to interrupt. 2086 02:18:45.280 --> 02:18:46.080 Well, that's okay. 2087 02:18:46.080 --> 02:18:49.600 Okay, everybody. 2088 02:19:46.080 --> 02:19:56.200 This is a test. 2089 02:20:00.000 --> 02:20:19.400 Okay, all right. I might not tell it 100% accurately, but it totally goes along with 2090 02:20:19.400 --> 02:20:23.520 what you're talking about. So I'd have to go back and read it again. But basically, 2091 02:20:23.520 --> 02:20:27.240 Chuck Yeager, he was the first person to break the sound barrier. I think it was like the 2092 02:20:27.240 --> 02:20:33.760 late 40s or early 50s. And I guess apparently, there were all of these different pilots who 2093 02:20:33.760 --> 02:20:39.760 wanted to break the sound barrier. And they would approach the sound barrier, and their 2094 02:20:39.760 --> 02:20:43.520 plane would start shaking really hard. So they were shaking, shaking, shaking, shaking, 2095 02:20:43.520 --> 02:20:49.800 and they would always pull back to stay safe. And then they would end up dying. Because 2096 02:20:49.800 --> 02:20:55.160 of the way that the plane was going. And like the way they pulled back, they would end up 2097 02:20:55.160 --> 02:21:00.540 it just like, I don't remember exactly what happened, but apparently, they wouldn't survive. 2098 02:21:00.540 --> 02:21:06.080 So there was a real fear. So Chuck wanted to do this as well. And he got to this point 2099 02:21:06.080 --> 02:21:11.440 where he finally was shaking, shaking, shaking. And he's like, I have a choice, I can either 2100 02:21:11.440 --> 02:21:19.760 pull back and risk my life, or I can just go through. And he just went through. And 2101 02:21:19.760 --> 02:21:22.920 he went through and it was like, all of a sudden, he broke the sound barrier. And there 2102 02:21:22.920 --> 02:21:28.920 was like, peace. There's like no noise, everything was like still. And it's such a neat story 2103 02:21:28.920 --> 02:21:35.200 of how he was the first person to break the sound barrier. And I guess there's like a 2104 02:21:35.200 --> 02:21:39.360 sonic boom involved in it too. So I guess there are all these like scientific things 2105 02:21:39.360 --> 02:21:43.800 that I don't quite understand. But if you looked it up, you'd probably find the story. 2106 02:21:43.800 --> 02:21:48.720 But it's, it's really cool how it's just that feeling of, we want to pull back, we want 2107 02:21:48.720 --> 02:21:52.360 to stay safe. We don't want to, we're approaching something that looks really scary. And we're 2108 02:21:52.800 --> 02:21:57.600 like, nope, nope, I'm putting the brakes on, which kind of as we're talking about, it results 2109 02:21:57.600 --> 02:22:03.440 in death more than life, because it's not really letting you hear it. So it's an interesting 2110 02:22:03.440 --> 02:22:05.440 analogy for just like... 2111 02:22:05.440 --> 02:22:10.000 It is, it's a very good one. I'm gonna have to remember that one to explain it. 2112 02:22:10.000 --> 02:22:17.600 Yeah. And I'm sure if you googled like Chuck, Y-E-A-G-E-R, or like, breaking the sound barrier 2113 02:22:17.600 --> 02:22:22.840 or whatever it is, you probably find the story on Google. If you wanted to tell it 2114 02:22:22.840 --> 02:22:28.040 a bit better than I did with more accuracy, but that's the gist of what I've heard anyway. 2115 02:22:28.040 --> 02:22:34.280 And it's like, it's just really neat to, to think about, yeah, if you do push through, 2116 02:22:34.280 --> 02:22:41.840 there is that on the other side. And how scary it is to push through and believe that like, 2117 02:22:41.840 --> 02:22:46.040 it's almost like, it's interesting, a lot of the stuff that I talked to you about, like 2118 02:22:46.040 --> 02:22:52.640 it came from when I was in the group, because the group, they taught a lot of cool things. 2119 02:22:52.640 --> 02:22:57.480 And I experienced some massive breakthroughs. But one of the things was like, letting go 2120 02:22:57.480 --> 02:23:01.720 was a lot about letting go. And it was hard, because there was... 2121 02:23:01.720 --> 02:23:08.520 I'm surprised you haven't been more triggered than you have in this rest of Jess's book. 2122 02:23:08.520 --> 02:23:13.680 I think I have been, but I think it's been triggered in the way that I'm starting to 2123 02:23:13.680 --> 02:23:20.720 understand the biblical rationale. And I've always thought the stuff that was taught in 2124 02:23:20.720 --> 02:23:28.880 the group was useful, the exercises, everything. The problem was the leader and how she ran 2125 02:23:28.880 --> 02:23:34.600 it and her relationship with me, which apparently, I don't know why I was one of the people that 2126 02:23:34.600 --> 02:23:40.440 was chosen to go through this experience by her. But whatever she saw in me, she knew 2127 02:23:40.440 --> 02:23:48.800 that I was going to be very devoted and be controlled and all of those things. But what 2128 02:23:48.800 --> 02:23:52.880 was actually taught is the beauty of it. And that's why cults are so difficult, because 2129 02:23:52.880 --> 02:23:59.680 there can be a lot of good, but then there's so much behind the scenes that's not good. 2130 02:23:59.680 --> 02:24:04.520 And one of the exercises was that, they used to have a trapeze where you'd actually have 2131 02:24:04.520 --> 02:24:09.320 to let go and like jump to a trapeze that was hanging in the air, you'd be standing 2132 02:24:09.320 --> 02:24:14.360 on a platform, you'd have to jump and catch it. The one I did was the zipline where you 2133 02:24:14.360 --> 02:24:17.760 have to choose to let go and go down the zipline, which is also scary because you're up like 2134 02:24:17.760 --> 02:24:23.520 30 feet. And so a lot of it is just about one of the other things you just mentioned, 2135 02:24:23.520 --> 02:24:28.920 which was not a negative trigger, at least right now. They taught this thing called this 2136 02:24:28.920 --> 02:24:36.360 is it and I'm satisfied, which was where you don't hold on to the idea that you need to 2137 02:24:36.360 --> 02:24:40.320 control it or it should look a certain way. You just basically say, this is it and I'm 2138 02:24:40.320 --> 02:24:46.680 satisfied. And that is supposed to be a way of saying, I can't control it, I can't change 2139 02:24:46.680 --> 02:24:52.000 it. And once you say that, it puts you in a space of creativity where you can actually 2140 02:24:52.000 --> 02:24:59.320 be in a good space afterwards, instead of being stuck in, I want it to look this way. 2141 02:25:00.000 --> 02:25:07.120 so much of what you said is a biblical version of that but I like that it is a biblical version 2142 02:25:07.120 --> 02:25:12.320 because it's making more sense to me and you know I think what triggers me sometimes is that I don't 2143 02:25:12.320 --> 02:25:17.760 I don't get to be involved in that anymore um that there were so many great things I learned 2144 02:25:17.760 --> 02:25:24.880 but I can never go back and yeah I know God wants me to move forward like I don't want to look back 2145 02:25:24.880 --> 02:25:31.440 I don't want to be a pillar of salt I want to be moving forward and I think what you're showing me 2146 02:25:31.440 --> 02:25:36.400 is helping me move forward from it and springboard from it and use the good stuff I got from it but 2147 02:25:36.400 --> 02:25:43.040 now applying it back to the Bible and I understand in some of this stuff there will be triggers for 2148 02:25:43.040 --> 02:25:49.360 me and I feel like you're a safe place so I don't mind sharing those things with you um and I think 2149 02:25:49.360 --> 02:25:55.200 God is still like chipping away some of the damage that was done there and freeing me of it 2150 02:25:55.200 --> 02:26:02.560 and also showing me the good of what I learned and how it is going back to the Bible in some ways 2151 02:26:02.560 --> 02:26:08.640 but they've kind of corrupted it into a new age kind of place where it's like we just take out 2152 02:26:08.640 --> 02:26:14.400 the Jesus part of it and make new rules about it and it's still based on these amazing truths from 2153 02:26:14.400 --> 02:26:20.080 the Bible but we just don't talk about well they would read from the Bible sometimes they would 2154 02:26:20.080 --> 02:26:24.640 actually bring the Bible into it but not with all of the activities by any means but a lot of it was 2155 02:26:24.640 --> 02:26:31.200 about breaking through and being set free and the exercises are amazing for that being at peace there 2156 02:26:31.200 --> 02:26:35.840 was one exercise where we it was called palms together palms apart and you literally sit there 2157 02:26:35.840 --> 02:26:41.680 you don't know what you're doing you sit there for an hour on a chair with all these other people 2158 02:26:41.680 --> 02:26:46.720 around you with your eyes closed and they're literally the guy at the front is who was like 2159 02:26:46.720 --> 02:26:53.040 um Jamie's best friend who quit um remember I told you that couple that quit he yeah quit 2160 02:26:54.080 --> 02:26:59.680 he was the one standing at the front he was a right-hand man and he was saying palms together 2161 02:26:59.680 --> 02:27:04.960 and you'd have to put your palms together palms apart palms together palms apart and he said it 2162 02:27:04.960 --> 02:27:10.480 over and over again for an hour so you're sitting there and you're doing it and you're wondering 2163 02:27:10.480 --> 02:27:16.880 what's going on you want to understand it you want to know why and have rationale but the whole 2164 02:27:16.880 --> 02:27:22.560 point of the exercise was how do you show up when you can't control when you don't understand 2165 02:27:22.560 --> 02:27:26.880 when things aren't working you know the way you want you want to do something else and you can't 2166 02:27:26.880 --> 02:27:34.960 you're stuck so for me I mean I prayed I took the opportunity to pray um and other people got 2167 02:27:34.960 --> 02:27:42.640 really stressed and angry and agitated and I was like just praying um and it was the purpose of it 2168 02:27:42.640 --> 02:27:48.240 was like how do you show up when you can't control things and you don't know why so again the purpose 2169 02:27:48.240 --> 02:27:55.520 in some of the exercises was so great but it there's still a little bit of a disconnect there 2170 02:27:55.520 --> 02:28:03.280 because I'm understanding more about how it applies to the bible and I don't find that the exercises 2171 02:28:03.280 --> 02:28:12.800 themselves were as traumatic as she was she's the trauma um the exercises weren't super well the 2172 02:28:12.800 --> 02:28:19.040 way she facilitated some of them were traumatic but because her spirit that was that was the 2173 02:28:19.040 --> 02:28:23.680 problem you know just like our spirits are the thing or it we're supposed to be like getting 2174 02:28:23.680 --> 02:28:28.000 spirits so it's spirits that cause problems it's not what it is that we do that's the mechanics 2175 02:28:28.000 --> 02:28:35.120 through which a spirit corrupted or not I don't want to say corrupted but a spirit moves so so 2176 02:28:35.120 --> 02:28:42.080 yeah so the the thing itself can be good because God created goodness but the people who are in 2177 02:28:42.080 --> 02:28:47.680 charge of that thing or who can manipulate that thing that's what turns it into something different 2178 02:28:48.720 --> 02:28:55.360 yeah it's the spirit that um that brings life or death or the lack of spirit of the lack of 2179 02:28:55.360 --> 02:29:00.480 God's spirit that brings um death that's what it is so because that's what death is it's the lack of 2180 02:29:00.480 --> 02:29:04.240 lack of God's spirit in it so which is why the tree of the knowledge of good and evil because 2181 02:29:04.240 --> 02:29:08.960 it's separated from the spirit of God is the life source it has nothing but death in it because it 2182 02:29:08.960 --> 02:29:15.360 death is simply on the absence kind of like darkness is the absence of light death is the absence of 2183 02:29:15.360 --> 02:29:24.960 of God so well that makes sense that's good it's so true yeah so it's it's it's I can see why you 2184 02:29:24.960 --> 02:29:28.320 would think it would trigger me more and I think if I did this six months or a year ago it would 2185 02:29:28.320 --> 02:29:34.720 have but I also think it's giving me insight into which is my word for the year insight it's giving 2186 02:29:34.720 --> 02:29:41.040 me insight into where this actually comes from and not even that I need to make sense of it but in my 2187 02:29:41.040 --> 02:29:49.360 spirit it's starting to feel cleaner and more congruent with who he is instead of me being so 2188 02:29:49.360 --> 02:29:56.160 held back by the trauma of it because it was how can something be so good and so bad at the exact 2189 02:29:56.160 --> 02:29:59.920 same time like have you ever experienced 2190 02:30:00.000 --> 02:30:04.160 thought where something just so good and so not good at the exact same time. It's like, 2191 02:30:05.200 --> 02:30:10.960 how does that make any sense? Yeah. Well, and before I talk about that, 2192 02:30:10.960 --> 02:30:15.760 I want to mention something before I forget. I think that you understand this from me so far, 2193 02:30:15.760 --> 02:30:25.360 but I just want to reiterate, I don't intend to villainize knowledge or understanding or our soul 2194 02:30:25.360 --> 02:30:29.600 or anything like that. It's the fact that God's just like, hey, you can stay there if you want, 2195 02:30:29.600 --> 02:30:32.960 you can need knowledge, you can need understanding, et cetera. But he said, 2196 02:30:32.960 --> 02:30:36.000 I want you to understand that you're more free. You have the opportunity to shift into greater 2197 02:30:36.000 --> 02:30:39.760 freedom. And that's what the whole rest intensive is all about is like, is, hey, 2198 02:30:39.760 --> 02:30:44.240 for the people who want to shift into greater freedom in more areas, but understand that I'm 2199 02:30:44.240 --> 02:30:51.360 not ever trying to villainize or condemn for operating and needing knowledge and wanting 2200 02:30:51.360 --> 02:30:55.280 knowledge and wanting understanding. I do the same thing. It's just that I always remind us 2201 02:30:55.360 --> 02:30:59.440 and point our eyes towards the fact that we can have more freedom if we choose to step into it. 2202 02:30:59.440 --> 02:31:03.200 So I just wanted to mention that and make sure that everyone always knows. I'm not trying to 2203 02:31:03.840 --> 02:31:07.520 condemn anyone if they need knowledge. I just always want to remind them, hey, by the way, 2204 02:31:07.520 --> 02:31:10.800 you do have more freedom if you choose to step into it, but you can stay where you are if you 2205 02:31:10.800 --> 02:31:17.760 want. You can operate where you are and all that. But what you were asking about just now or talking 2206 02:31:17.760 --> 02:31:24.800 about the whole, the good and evil at the same time is because our God is the one who created 2207 02:31:24.800 --> 02:31:31.680 the world. Our God is the one who created everything. The devil did not create these 2208 02:31:31.680 --> 02:31:42.880 principles. He just, the life force by which the principles were supposed to operate has been 2209 02:31:42.880 --> 02:31:57.680 removed from those tools. There's nothing but death in its place. This fake version of energy, 2210 02:31:57.680 --> 02:32:05.200 fuel, life source, it has been added in order to keep it going. So it's almost like it has to 2211 02:32:05.200 --> 02:32:12.160 operate on its own in its own mechanics as opposed to being able to function just according to the 2212 02:32:12.160 --> 02:32:16.240 way that it was intended to function because it doesn't need to provide for or protect itself 2213 02:32:16.240 --> 02:32:22.640 because it has the life source that provides, protects it and provides a covering for it. 2214 02:32:22.640 --> 02:32:28.080 So it can just be, it can just function on its own. It's removing it, the protection, 2215 02:32:28.080 --> 02:32:33.520 the kingly provision, and it believes it's abandoned. I mean, even the principle is like 2216 02:32:33.520 --> 02:32:40.720 the principle and this, that's a wonderful law that God created to function in a specific way 2217 02:32:40.720 --> 02:32:48.160 now believes that it has been abandoned by its king, by its Lord, and it has to function on its 2218 02:32:48.160 --> 02:32:55.920 own and has to figure out on its own how to accomplish something. And sure, there's 2219 02:32:55.920 --> 02:33:01.520 no wonder. I mean, yeah, that's just corrupted and it's terrifying. And so that's why something 2220 02:33:01.520 --> 02:33:06.320 can feel so good and so evil at the same time is like our God is the one who created it. So it's a 2221 02:33:06.320 --> 02:33:12.800 good thing. But it's, it's not functioning in the capacity that was intended to function. 2222 02:33:14.240 --> 02:33:20.480 So yeah, it and it brings and therefore it's bringing death, which is evil. So yeah, it can 2223 02:33:20.480 --> 02:33:26.320 be both good and evil at the same time. That makes sense. And with the knowledge thing that 2224 02:33:26.320 --> 02:33:33.360 you just said, I think for me, the pendulum had swung all the way over here. So when you talk 2225 02:33:33.360 --> 02:33:38.800 about knowledge, it's getting it to like equilibrium. Oh, okay. Good. Good. So I think I 2226 02:33:38.800 --> 02:33:43.920 was too much on the side of needing to know, needing knowledge and understanding to make 2227 02:33:43.920 --> 02:33:49.760 sense of something. Therefore, I felt good about it in my spirit, which I think just something 2228 02:33:49.760 --> 02:33:53.520 outside of us to give us something, which means that we believe that we're enslaved. 2229 02:33:54.160 --> 02:33:58.560 They're enslaved. We need to do something on the outside to save us. Yeah. And I think, 2230 02:33:58.560 --> 02:34:04.880 I think the disconnect for me still is like, how, how can my spirit just be okay, not knowing 2231 02:34:04.880 --> 02:34:10.800 and just trusting and just being okay with the way things work out. I think that's where I'm not 2232 02:34:10.800 --> 02:34:17.040 able to access that yet. That space of not needing to make sense of it, not needing to see that 2233 02:34:17.040 --> 02:34:21.840 there's a purpose and an understanding, not needing to justify something by saying, oh, 2234 02:34:21.840 --> 02:34:26.880 I can see why that happened because God's going to do this or because God did this, or, you know, 2235 02:34:26.880 --> 02:34:31.040 or there's a greater explanation in the world about, you know, how, you know, what God's doing 2236 02:34:31.040 --> 02:34:37.120 in the world and, you know, when the second coming happens and all this stuff. So for me to justify 2237 02:34:37.120 --> 02:34:43.360 it and understand it, it's like, oh, okay. That gives me peace. I don't know how to have peace 2238 02:34:43.360 --> 02:34:50.960 without that. Yeah. So you bring up a very good point and you articulate things very well. And you 2239 02:34:50.960 --> 02:34:59.760 ask amazing questions. You're extremely intelligent and you really dig really, really deep. 2240 02:35:00.000 --> 02:35:04.260 which in my opinion means that you have, 2241 02:35:04.260 --> 02:35:07.700 that you are more in agreement with your spirits 2242 02:35:07.700 --> 02:35:10.820 than you know, because the things that you are saying 2243 02:35:12.220 --> 02:35:16.300 can only really be understood through the spirit 2244 02:35:16.300 --> 02:35:18.500 who knows all things and has all truths. 2245 02:35:18.500 --> 02:35:23.500 So you are, that you're saying, you know, 2246 02:35:24.700 --> 02:35:26.640 I don't understand because I'm still at the place 2247 02:35:26.640 --> 02:35:27.920 where I need it. 2248 02:35:27.920 --> 02:35:32.920 Exactly, we have to, that's why it's so hard to give up 2249 02:35:34.240 --> 02:35:38.000 because we need it. 2250 02:35:38.000 --> 02:35:40.240 So we're giving, in other words, 2251 02:35:40.240 --> 02:35:43.200 we need it to provide and protect for ourselves. 2252 02:35:43.200 --> 02:35:46.040 We need something, so therefore I'm going to 2253 02:35:46.040 --> 02:35:47.980 make provision for it. 2254 02:35:48.900 --> 02:35:53.440 And God's like, no, abandon that and choose that. 2255 02:35:53.440 --> 02:35:58.120 I, Aunt Dawson, choose that I'm going to provide 2256 02:35:58.120 --> 02:36:00.780 for what you feel that you need. 2257 02:36:01.700 --> 02:36:06.700 So it's that kind of a, it's that radical of a decision 2258 02:36:07.020 --> 02:36:11.320 that we're talking about, is needing something 2259 02:36:11.320 --> 02:36:13.040 and just abandoning it. 2260 02:36:15.040 --> 02:36:18.160 And choosing that God provides for that need in his way, 2261 02:36:18.160 --> 02:36:19.880 even though we are looking at it going, 2262 02:36:19.880 --> 02:36:23.080 I have no idea how you can provide for this need. 2263 02:36:23.720 --> 02:36:25.080 No idea. 2264 02:36:25.080 --> 02:36:27.440 And there's so many stories in the Bible about that. 2265 02:36:27.440 --> 02:36:30.360 And I go back to, we talked once about the death 2266 02:36:30.360 --> 02:36:33.280 of a vision thing and about how it's like, 2267 02:36:33.280 --> 02:36:36.600 I have a vision and I need to almost let it die 2268 02:36:36.600 --> 02:36:40.200 and die not to completely die, but like, 2269 02:36:40.200 --> 02:36:44.280 what's God's plan, not what's my plan, pardon? 2270 02:36:44.280 --> 02:36:46.920 Yeah, give up your sense of entitlement and ownership of it. 2271 02:36:46.920 --> 02:36:49.800 Yeah, so it's not giving up the dream, 2272 02:36:49.800 --> 02:36:52.120 just giving up ownership of it. 2273 02:36:52.120 --> 02:36:55.520 Yeah, because he'll fulfill it in his perfect way. 2274 02:36:55.520 --> 02:36:57.360 But I mean, we look at all the stories in the Bible 2275 02:36:57.360 --> 02:37:00.360 about the impossible. 2276 02:37:00.360 --> 02:37:02.200 How is this actually gonna happen? 2277 02:37:02.200 --> 02:37:03.320 Hello. 2278 02:37:03.320 --> 02:37:05.320 I know, I'm sorry, just to say. 2279 02:37:23.120 --> 02:37:25.160 Sorry, I'm at my parents' house 2280 02:37:25.160 --> 02:37:28.120 and my grandmom lives here too, she's 85. 2281 02:37:28.120 --> 02:37:30.760 And so she decided she's gonna go to Chick-fil-A 2282 02:37:30.760 --> 02:37:32.200 and ask me if I wanted something. 2283 02:37:32.200 --> 02:37:34.440 So I'm sorry, she knocked on my door 2284 02:37:34.440 --> 02:37:37.280 and that's why Dasa was just like, Dasa, can you hear me? 2285 02:37:37.280 --> 02:37:38.120 Oh no, that's okay. 2286 02:37:38.120 --> 02:37:41.640 I have yet to try Chick-fil-A, we don't have them in Canada. 2287 02:37:41.640 --> 02:37:42.480 Oh my God. 2288 02:37:42.480 --> 02:37:43.320 I know, I know. 2289 02:37:43.320 --> 02:37:44.640 Okay, that's sad. 2290 02:37:44.640 --> 02:37:46.520 I have yet to try Chick-fil-A, 2291 02:37:46.520 --> 02:37:47.840 we don't have them in Canada. 2292 02:37:47.840 --> 02:37:48.680 Oh my God. 2293 02:37:48.680 --> 02:37:49.520 I know, I will. 2294 02:37:49.560 --> 02:37:50.880 I know, I know, I will. 2295 02:37:50.880 --> 02:37:52.200 Okay, that's sad. 2296 02:37:52.200 --> 02:37:55.080 The plan is to, hello, sweetie. 2297 02:37:56.440 --> 02:37:58.440 I thought if she was making noise, 2298 02:37:58.440 --> 02:37:59.760 she needed to just say hi. 2299 02:37:59.760 --> 02:38:00.840 Hello, sweet. 2300 02:38:02.400 --> 02:38:03.880 But yeah, like the stories in the Bible, 2301 02:38:03.880 --> 02:38:06.720 like if you look at Abraham and Sarah, right? 2302 02:38:06.720 --> 02:38:10.120 Or even like the disciples with Jesus when he died 2303 02:38:10.120 --> 02:38:11.040 and they're like, what? 2304 02:38:11.040 --> 02:38:12.360 Like, we thought. 2305 02:38:12.360 --> 02:38:14.400 Or even like a grain of wheat planted in the ground 2306 02:38:14.400 --> 02:38:16.760 and it dies and then it grows, right? 2307 02:38:16.760 --> 02:38:21.760 It's like certain things need to be let go of 2308 02:38:22.240 --> 02:38:25.360 and trust that God is going to do the impossible. 2309 02:38:25.360 --> 02:38:29.680 I get to trust that he put all of this on my heart 2310 02:38:29.680 --> 02:38:34.440 to do, to create, to spend hundreds of hours creating this 2311 02:38:34.440 --> 02:38:36.440 to make a difference. 2312 02:38:36.440 --> 02:38:39.920 And because he put it on my spirit, 2313 02:38:39.920 --> 02:38:41.880 I believe he's gonna do something good with it. 2314 02:38:41.880 --> 02:38:45.160 I believe that I need to somehow be in the middle 2315 02:38:45.160 --> 02:38:47.440 to make sure that he does something good with it. 2316 02:38:47.440 --> 02:38:49.520 To like, okay, God, you're giving me this, 2317 02:38:49.520 --> 02:38:52.480 so I have to do something, right? 2318 02:38:54.360 --> 02:38:55.640 I have to be there to make sure 2319 02:38:55.640 --> 02:38:58.080 that we're really going to work. 2320 02:38:58.080 --> 02:39:00.040 I got to come with the middle man. 2321 02:39:00.040 --> 02:39:02.680 I know, you need me, Lord. 2322 02:39:03.600 --> 02:39:04.880 This is how we're gonna do it. 2323 02:39:04.880 --> 02:39:06.280 Don't you know this will mess it up 2324 02:39:06.280 --> 02:39:07.840 if we do it any other way? 2325 02:39:08.800 --> 02:39:10.280 It's so weird, because it's like on one hand, 2326 02:39:10.280 --> 02:39:13.000 you trust that he's gonna do the best job possible, 2327 02:39:13.040 --> 02:39:17.400 but on the other hand, I'm like, but what if I let go of this? 2328 02:39:17.400 --> 02:39:19.480 It's like, I don't know, I don't know. 2329 02:39:19.480 --> 02:39:21.560 I mean, maybe it's similar to you right now 2330 02:39:21.560 --> 02:39:24.600 in your, let's say your finances. 2331 02:39:24.600 --> 02:39:27.440 Right now, you're in a sense depending on people 2332 02:39:27.440 --> 02:39:32.440 to give what they feel the Lord is telling them to give. 2333 02:39:33.320 --> 02:39:37.560 And you are trusting that he's your protection, 2334 02:39:37.560 --> 02:39:39.760 your provision, and whatever, 2335 02:39:39.760 --> 02:39:41.360 he's gonna speak to their spirit, 2336 02:39:41.360 --> 02:39:43.200 and they're gonna feel what they need to give, 2337 02:39:43.200 --> 02:39:44.160 and it's gonna provide, 2338 02:39:44.160 --> 02:39:46.080 and you're gonna get provided for in other ways. 2339 02:39:46.080 --> 02:39:50.960 But you had to choose to say that, 2340 02:39:50.960 --> 02:39:51.960 to be like, you know what, 2341 02:39:51.960 --> 02:39:53.840 I'm gonna be in this space of trusting, 2342 02:39:53.840 --> 02:39:56.040 and do you know what I mean? 2343 02:39:56.040 --> 02:39:56.960 Does that sound like, 2344 02:39:56.960 --> 02:39:59.200 does that align with what we're talking about? 2345 02:39:59.200 --> 02:40:00.040 Yeah. 2346 02:40:00.000 --> 02:40:06.240 Yeah, yeah, absolutely. That, um, yeah, that was the Lord. Well, I need this and I need this and, 2347 02:40:06.880 --> 02:40:10.800 and, um, and that's one of the things that I had to talk to Tim about, you know, the past 2348 02:40:10.800 --> 02:40:15.840 past few weeks is, is reminding him, okay, actually can't say that you need it because 2349 02:40:15.840 --> 02:40:22.960 God provides for your needs, um, without you even asking for them. Um, so you just come to 2350 02:40:22.960 --> 02:40:26.800 agreement with the fact that if there's something you need, God will provide it without you even 2351 02:40:26.800 --> 02:40:32.240 bringing up the subject. Um, so now I can bring up the subject, that's fine. But one of the things 2352 02:40:32.240 --> 02:40:35.920 that he's walking me into is to remind me, actually don't have to even bring up the subject. 2353 02:40:35.920 --> 02:40:40.400 So yeah, I just, I just choose that if he says that he provides for me, then I'm going to agree 2354 02:40:40.400 --> 02:40:47.200 with the fact that he provides for me. Um, and it's, um, and I'm just going to abandon myself 2355 02:40:47.200 --> 02:40:55.120 to it, even if I'm not, even if I see, okay, so here's what's happened before. Um, 2356 02:40:56.000 --> 02:41:06.160 what's happened before, um, at various times is, uh, there will be, um, deadlines that come and go 2357 02:41:07.600 --> 02:41:13.920 past the deadlines and like, Lord, you know, that, that I don't, I don't understand. 2358 02:41:14.480 --> 02:41:21.840 It's like, is it because Lord wouldn't provision look like you provided by a deadline? And then I 2359 02:41:21.840 --> 02:41:28.880 remember no, because the world does not tell me what it is that I need. The world does not dictate 2360 02:41:28.880 --> 02:41:36.480 to me whether or not God came through. God is the world does not dictate to me and tell me the truth 2361 02:41:36.480 --> 02:41:45.920 of the situation. I, I mana, um, God tells me what the truth of this situation is. And then I, by 2362 02:41:45.920 --> 02:41:51.280 coming into agreement with it, it will manifest into the earth. And I don't know how it's going 2363 02:41:51.280 --> 02:41:57.200 to manifest. I don't know if it's going to manifest as, um, uh, you know, like say for 2364 02:41:57.200 --> 02:42:03.200 instance, if it was a deadline for, um, I don't know, a, um, what would I, what would I want to 2365 02:42:03.200 --> 02:42:07.760 do a deadline for? So I don't know, some relationship issue, like Lord, I needed such and such 2366 02:42:07.760 --> 02:42:11.360 relationship issue dealt with by a particular deadline. And there was a very serious reason 2367 02:42:11.360 --> 02:42:15.920 why Lord, this is the deadline. It can't be, or let's say a bill, you know, bill built that. 2368 02:42:15.920 --> 02:42:20.720 Cause that's easy to understand, you know, Oh Bill, you know, Lord, this deadline. And we're 2369 02:42:20.720 --> 02:42:26.000 like, God, that's very obvious. It's cut and dry. No, it is to the world. It is because we 2370 02:42:26.000 --> 02:42:31.520 were taught that way, but God's like, no, I provide for you. It doesn't matter. Deadlines 2371 02:42:31.520 --> 02:42:36.000 come and go. If I say you're on your provision, I am. And the fact that it, that the deadline 2372 02:42:36.000 --> 02:42:42.240 came and went without me giving you a particular monetary amount by that deadline does not dictate 2373 02:42:42.240 --> 02:42:48.880 that I am or am not providing for you. And you just always choose it. So it, so it, I, I cannot 2374 02:42:48.880 --> 02:42:56.080 look at my circumstances and tell him I need this Lord. God's the one who tells me what it is that, 2375 02:42:56.080 --> 02:43:01.680 that God always provides for all of my needs. So if something happens a particular way, 2376 02:43:01.680 --> 02:43:06.000 then apparently I didn't need it. I didn't need it in the way that I thought that I did. 2377 02:43:06.000 --> 02:43:12.880 So I allow him to, to dictate truth. I don't look at circumstances in order to compare God 2378 02:43:13.440 --> 02:43:19.760 as the, as the standard by which I'm comparing God and, um, and understanding his character. 2379 02:43:19.760 --> 02:43:25.520 I understand his character by what he said, not by what I see, not by what I manifest. 2380 02:43:25.520 --> 02:43:32.400 I enjoy how he manifests it. I don't look at it as a way to prove to myself that, okay, 2381 02:43:32.400 --> 02:43:38.480 so when he said he loved me, I can see that he really did. You never get caught up in that of 2382 02:43:38.480 --> 02:43:42.800 like, oh, he didn't, he didn't give me the bill for this date. He didn't give me the money for 2383 02:43:42.800 --> 02:43:49.120 this date. But then all of a sudden I called the company and the company said that actually they 2384 02:43:49.120 --> 02:43:53.600 were going to overcharge me. And I didn't owe that anyway. And then you're like, oh, that's what God 2385 02:43:53.600 --> 02:43:57.600 was doing. And like, you kind of justify, have you ever done that where you just justify it that way? 2386 02:43:57.600 --> 02:44:03.760 Or are you out of that space altogether now? Um, oh no, no, I'm not at any of this yet. 2387 02:44:03.760 --> 02:44:09.360 Or God still moves me into greater and greater measures. Uh, but I have noticed that there's 2388 02:44:09.360 --> 02:44:18.240 certain, um, I am in rest in more often than I used to be and viewing the situations from a 2389 02:44:18.240 --> 02:44:24.720 place of rest and trusting him more often than I used to, et cetera. Um, and to greater degrees. 2390 02:44:25.600 --> 02:44:33.200 Um, so yeah, sometimes that it'll be all run up against a, uh, so yeah, so in the past, 2391 02:44:33.200 --> 02:44:38.480 well, I say in the past, no, if they said, Hey, you know, we were going to have overcharged you 2392 02:44:38.480 --> 02:44:46.080 anyway. So that's it. That's the means of God's provision. Um, so that's how I view it. I'm like, 2393 02:44:46.080 --> 02:44:50.320 okay, there's, there's God's provision. It just wasn't in, in money. It was in, it was, 2394 02:44:50.320 --> 02:44:54.720 he provided for the situation and through a, through a glitch. So through a circumstance 2395 02:44:54.720 --> 02:44:59.440 or somebody else's clerical error, I don't know, but that's still God's provision. But, um, what's 2396 02:44:59.440 --> 02:45:00.000 very interesting. 2397 02:45:00.000 --> 02:45:06.760 interesting and challenging is when, for my soul, not for God, not for the situation, 2398 02:45:06.760 --> 02:45:22.560 but for my soul, is if a deadline comes and goes and there is no, I can't see reconciliation 2399 02:45:22.560 --> 02:45:30.920 to close out the issue. And if something goes on for a while, then I'm like, I'm still not 2400 02:45:30.920 --> 02:45:37.880 seeing it manifest. I'm still not seeing it manifest, but I don't, I don't, I did no long, 2401 02:45:37.880 --> 02:45:42.320 I try to not take this and that's what I, what I'm at, which again is something that 2402 02:45:42.320 --> 02:45:56.240 I'm still, I still am a learning, or choosing, is to not take the manifestation and determine 2403 02:45:56.240 --> 02:46:01.160 that God's character, that it's saying something about God's character. I still choose no God's 2404 02:46:01.160 --> 02:46:05.600 character is such and such. I'm just letting him know, hey, by the way, Lord, that this hasn't 2405 02:46:05.600 --> 02:46:09.920 manifested in the way that I expected it to. And by the time that I expected it to, in a way that 2406 02:46:09.920 --> 02:46:16.200 I expected it to, but, um, so I'm just telling you for my soul is struggling here, Lord, but I'm, 2407 02:46:16.200 --> 02:46:22.120 I'm willfully and intentionally and deliberately choosing that if you say that you've, that I am 2408 02:46:22.120 --> 02:46:29.000 currently in a state of provision, not that you've got plans for me to provide for me and I just need 2409 02:46:29.000 --> 02:46:37.240 to hang on. No, I am never without his provision. I'm never ever in an existence in which I am not 2410 02:46:37.240 --> 02:46:48.680 being provided for and Lord, that's what I choose. So, um, yeah, no, no, it does. And I, I appreciate 2411 02:46:48.680 --> 02:46:54.360 all, I think you have a lot of wisdom that you've shared and I appreciate it. And I, uh, I wanted to 2412 02:46:54.360 --> 02:47:01.600 ask you too, did you, I, I sent you a payment, um, on the weekend. Did you receive it? I did. I did. 2413 02:47:01.720 --> 02:47:02.800 Thank you. Yeah. 2414 02:47:03.680 --> 02:47:09.120 My bank was showing that it had sent in PayPal, but it didn't, it hasn't shown up in my bank account 2415 02:47:09.120 --> 02:47:10.400 that it sent, which is weird. 2416 02:47:10.400 --> 02:47:16.360 Yes. Sorry about that. It's because I didn't see it until this morning. So I was, and I, and I was 2417 02:47:16.360 --> 02:47:21.120 going to, um, I was going to move it to my bank account today because then it'll show that it 2418 02:47:21.120 --> 02:47:26.720 removes it from your bank account. So I apologize. I don't mean to like hold, you know, hold it 2419 02:47:26.720 --> 02:47:31.720 because then, yeah, obviously it leads to you in limbo like, well, I need to make sure that this, that 2420 02:47:31.720 --> 02:47:35.760 I know not to spend the money because I've already committed it somewhere. So I'm fully aware of that 2421 02:47:35.760 --> 02:47:39.960 situation. I apologize. I just thought this morning, then I had to jump on a client call. Then I 2422 02:47:39.960 --> 02:47:44.320 jumped on another, this one with you. And so I just haven't transferred it yet. Sorry. 2423 02:47:45.000 --> 02:47:49.960 Yeah, no, that's okay. I, I just wanted to make sure, cause PayPal is a little new for me. So I 2424 02:47:49.960 --> 02:47:55.920 didn't understand when it, well, it's, I have an old account, but I haven't used it very much. So 2425 02:47:55.920 --> 02:48:00.600 when I send it sometimes electronically, things can be a little funny. So I didn't know if it was 2426 02:48:00.600 --> 02:48:04.320 like, they hold it for a certain amount of days or why it hadn't come out. So now that you've 2427 02:48:04.320 --> 02:48:09.280 explained it, you need to accept it before it comes out. I wasn't sure if that was the case or if it 2428 02:48:09.280 --> 02:48:11.040 just didn't send properly. So, 2429 02:48:11.080 --> 02:48:17.080 yeah, yeah, no, no. I've even been in that situation before as well, where someone didn't move the 2430 02:48:17.080 --> 02:48:24.560 money for probably a week or something like that. And I had to constantly make sure that, that I 2431 02:48:24.560 --> 02:48:29.600 remembered that, that, that money, even though it was still sitting in my bank account, had already 2432 02:48:29.600 --> 02:48:34.280 been committed and that at any point PayPal was going to pull it. So, so yeah. 2433 02:48:34.920 --> 02:48:40.040 Okay, beautiful. No, that's good. That's good to know. I just wanted to double check. But yeah, 2434 02:48:40.160 --> 02:48:46.840 yeah, no, I appreciate you very much. And I appreciate our conversations. And yeah, you helped 2435 02:48:46.840 --> 02:48:54.880 me, you helped me gain a lot of insight into what's all going on that I, you know, I, it's 2436 02:48:54.880 --> 02:49:00.240 interesting, because I, like I said, I prayed, I was like, God, I need, I need somebody to help me 2437 02:49:00.240 --> 02:49:05.560 understand some more of these things. And I am going to your word. And I'm, I'm teaching people 2438 02:49:05.560 --> 02:49:09.680 about the things that I know. And I feel like I'm at a point where I can understand a lot, but 2439 02:49:09.680 --> 02:49:15.120 there's a lot that I feel like I'm missing at the moment. And I'm not sure how to bridge the gap. So 2440 02:49:15.640 --> 02:49:23.160 it's funny, he sent someone else into my life that I thought was the person to help me. And she ended 2441 02:49:23.160 --> 02:49:28.960 up not being the person and I was pretty upset because I thought, Wow, God, I thought this is 2442 02:49:28.960 --> 02:49:35.480 what you had for me. It just seemed to all work together so well. And, and it didn't. And, and 2443 02:49:35.480 --> 02:49:43.600 then you came in and I was like, Okay, so God, that I felt like that situation was to teach me 2444 02:49:43.640 --> 02:49:49.520 something or to, you know, just be okay with what was, but then he had the right situation come in. 2445 02:49:49.840 --> 02:49:53.040 And the funny thing was that you two have the exact same name. 2446 02:49:54.400 --> 02:49:55.440 Really? 2447 02:49:56.800 --> 02:49:59.760 So it was like, so Jason, my husband, we're 2448 02:50:00.000 --> 02:50:09.480 Because I'm like, yeah, that one Ashley didn't work out. But I'm like, I just, I got a new Ashley. And this one is like actually the Ashley that was supposed to learn 2449 02:50:11.000 --> 02:50:22.600 That's so funny. Well, there's, there's a couple of different stories I could tell you about that one is a friend of mine had was extremely betrayed by a friend named Ashley. 2450 02:50:23.200 --> 02:50:33.320 Growing up, I mean like betray like best friends and betrayed. And so when, when she and I became friends. 2451 02:50:33.880 --> 02:50:39.040 It was a while before I found out that this friend that had betrayed her that she'd had my name. 2452 02:50:39.560 --> 02:50:43.800 Because my friend, you just used to say, Oh, well, this friend of mine that I used to have 2453 02:50:44.480 --> 02:50:56.480 Decades ago, you know, I mean, because it had been at least 20 years and it was still hurtful. And so she says that she's always felt that God has brought and redemption. 2454 02:50:57.160 --> 02:51:08.200 To that part of her life through her relationship with me through a friendship with me because her friendship with me is what she wanted that my friend, her friendship with her that other woman to be like 2455 02:51:08.720 --> 02:51:19.360 And and and and God had us have the same name because those names can be a trigger, you know, kind of like Jamie's name or and then you mentioned somebody else. I think that you said her name was a trigger. 2456 02:51:19.800 --> 02:51:35.080 And and and so names can be a trigger. So God just God had her God has shown her that just like, you know, I want to show you that I bring bring redemption. So it was really interesting. And then there was something else. And it was 2457 02:51:35.120 --> 02:51:49.720 Oh man, the other one was a really, really interesting one about about Ashley. Oh, that's what it was. Okay, so I had, I had some friends that were trying to matchmake. This is years ago. It's probably 2458 02:51:50.880 --> 02:52:00.720 10 years ago or more that tried to matchmake with me and me with their son and which is a great compliment, but 2459 02:52:00.720 --> 02:52:21.720 They they're I'm telling you what they just really, really pushed it. And the funny thing is that I don't remember how old he was when he ended up getting married and he was about my age. I think he was, he may have been my age. Exactly. I'm just a few months older and but he 2460 02:52:23.280 --> 02:52:28.960 Several, several years. A few years later, he got married. 2461 02:52:30.920 --> 02:52:38.040 Yeah, just a few years later, while they were still hoping that things would work out with me because we didn't date or whatever, but they were trying to matchmake 2462 02:52:38.440 --> 02:52:44.480 And he didn't live in town. So whenever he would be in town, you know, they're hoping that that and I would be in the same room and that kind of thing. 2463 02:52:45.040 --> 02:52:51.880 Well, ended that that while they were still trying to matchmake him with me. He ended up finding his own 2464 02:52:52.720 --> 02:53:04.400 Girl, and he'd never dated before. And so he was in his late 20s and he met this girl and started started dating her and of course eventually married and her name was Ashley 2465 02:53:04.960 --> 02:53:16.360 So I joke about the fact is like, okay, well I know that, you know, this was this was something that you were really want that they were really wanting because I don't tell them this, but I tell a friend of mine is that that I'm because she 2466 02:53:16.680 --> 02:53:26.200 And I used to watch them try to matchmake it. It's like, you know, they just really did just felt like, oh, my word. Ashley's the one. Well, it was. It's just the wrong Ashley 2467 02:53:27.120 --> 02:53:28.040 It's different. 2468 02:53:29.320 --> 02:53:38.560 That we always do that that how funny that was that it because he never dated and he was meeting me and they thought this is great. And while they were still trying to 2469 02:53:39.040 --> 02:53:51.320 Get that to work. He was in his late 20s and finally he started dating someone and then he got really serious with her and all of that. It was, but he did it on his own. 2470 02:53:51.760 --> 02:53:55.000 Not without not with his parents out and her name was Ashley. 2471 02:53:55.560 --> 02:54:07.680 That's so funny. And the other thing that was funny too about the situation with you is one of our first conversations. She had told me the story about the ash tree and Ashley, the meaning behind 2472 02:54:09.040 --> 02:54:20.440 And then in one of our first calls you explain the meaning behind the name. And I was like, that's so interesting. And it was only I think it was like a week or two before I met you that this happened. 2473 02:54:21.400 --> 02:54:22.360 And I was like with 2474 02:54:24.080 --> 02:54:26.600 Really, oh, wow. 2475 02:54:28.240 --> 02:54:32.480 It wasn't long before and it was it was really it was hard on me the way 2476 02:54:33.720 --> 02:54:38.040 The way it all kind of went down because it was it was just a really weird situation and I 2477 02:54:38.520 --> 02:54:49.280 Couldn't wait. No, I know it's it's okay. I just felt like I knew God was closing that door for a reason. I'm like, you know what, there's I know in my in my heart and my spirit that 2478 02:54:49.960 --> 02:54:59.560 That was supposed to close, but I don't know why. And that's the hard part I think for people is when something happens and you're like, okay, I know this is supposed to happen. 2479 02:55:00.000 --> 02:55:01.520 but I don't understand what's on the other side. 2480 02:55:01.520 --> 02:55:03.840 I don't understand why, like we've talked about. 2481 02:55:03.840 --> 02:55:05.600 And I just was trusting. 2482 02:55:05.600 --> 02:55:09.440 I'm like, okay, God, please, if it's your will, 2483 02:55:09.440 --> 02:55:12.480 show me something that will help me understand 2484 02:55:12.480 --> 02:55:14.840 why this wasn't the way I was supposed to go. 2485 02:55:14.840 --> 02:55:17.760 It was actually a business coach 2486 02:55:17.760 --> 02:55:21.520 who was going to coach me on how to build my business 2487 02:55:21.520 --> 02:55:23.800 in a way that was going to make me more money 2488 02:55:23.800 --> 02:55:27.520 and focus on all of the tools that we've talked about 2489 02:55:27.520 --> 02:55:29.560 that a lot of business coaches will use, right? 2490 02:55:30.080 --> 02:55:31.400 That I used to. 2491 02:55:31.400 --> 02:55:33.720 Yeah, that you used to teach, exactly. 2492 02:55:33.720 --> 02:55:34.720 So then it was like, 2493 02:55:34.720 --> 02:55:38.200 he knew that that was not the route he wanted me to go, 2494 02:55:38.200 --> 02:55:40.720 but that was the route I thought I was supposed to go, 2495 02:55:40.720 --> 02:55:41.840 but it was not aligned. 2496 02:55:41.840 --> 02:55:44.520 So when I met you and I was like, 2497 02:55:44.520 --> 02:55:49.400 this whole concept of rest in my business is interesting. 2498 02:55:50.240 --> 02:55:52.360 Totally not what I was thinking 2499 02:55:52.360 --> 02:55:54.760 was supposed to happen building my business. 2500 02:55:55.600 --> 02:56:00.000 And it just, it was way more aligned, 2501 02:56:00.000 --> 02:56:02.040 but I never would have been able to predict that 2502 02:56:02.040 --> 02:56:02.920 because I didn't even know 2503 02:56:02.920 --> 02:56:07.920 what you had necessarily existed, you know? 2504 02:56:08.080 --> 02:56:09.440 What I had existed? 2505 02:56:09.440 --> 02:56:12.160 That you, what you were teaching about rest. 2506 02:56:12.160 --> 02:56:13.480 I didn't know that that existed. 2507 02:56:13.480 --> 02:56:16.800 I didn't even know that that, the way you explain it, 2508 02:56:16.800 --> 02:56:18.280 I wouldn't have been able to articulate it. 2509 02:56:18.280 --> 02:56:20.080 I didn't know it existed. 2510 02:56:20.080 --> 02:56:20.920 Yeah. 2511 02:56:20.920 --> 02:56:22.120 The way that you've explained it. 2512 02:56:22.160 --> 02:56:25.760 And so to understand that has been really big in my life 2513 02:56:25.760 --> 02:56:28.720 because it almost takes all of the striving, 2514 02:56:28.720 --> 02:56:31.200 all of the pressure, all of the working so hard. 2515 02:56:31.200 --> 02:56:34.160 And it is completely counterintuitive 2516 02:56:34.160 --> 02:56:36.760 to what I thought I was supposed to be, 2517 02:56:36.760 --> 02:56:39.440 that path I thought I was supposed to be on. 2518 02:56:39.440 --> 02:56:41.920 But yet it was like, I started going down the path. 2519 02:56:41.920 --> 02:56:43.400 There was a dead end sign. 2520 02:56:43.400 --> 02:56:45.000 And I'm like, well, 2521 02:56:45.000 --> 02:56:47.440 now I've got to walk all the way back 2522 02:56:47.440 --> 02:56:50.600 to this fork in the road and follow this other path. 2523 02:56:50.600 --> 02:56:51.760 But this other path is like, 2524 02:56:51.760 --> 02:56:53.960 I have no idea what's down that path. 2525 02:56:53.960 --> 02:56:56.920 And so that's kind of what it was like for me visually. 2526 02:56:56.920 --> 02:57:00.440 And so it was interesting when I met you 2527 02:57:00.440 --> 02:57:02.600 and I was like, hmm. 2528 02:57:03.800 --> 02:57:04.640 And at first we just- 2529 02:57:04.640 --> 02:57:05.720 Actually. 2530 02:57:05.720 --> 02:57:07.120 Yeah, and we were just chatting. 2531 02:57:07.120 --> 02:57:10.160 So for me, it was no pressure because we were just chatting. 2532 02:57:10.160 --> 02:57:14.600 And then I was like, no, this sounds really good. 2533 02:57:14.600 --> 02:57:16.840 This sounds like it might be what I thought 2534 02:57:16.840 --> 02:57:17.800 the other thing was supposed to be, 2535 02:57:17.800 --> 02:57:19.520 but this sounds more aligned. 2536 02:57:19.520 --> 02:57:20.880 So when I talked to my husband about it, 2537 02:57:20.880 --> 02:57:22.360 he's like, yeah, yeah, that sounds good. 2538 02:57:22.360 --> 02:57:26.080 So, and it just felt right in my spirit. 2539 02:57:26.080 --> 02:57:30.320 And I think I've gotten a lot better over time 2540 02:57:30.320 --> 02:57:32.960 since I got out of the group at discerning 2541 02:57:32.960 --> 02:57:35.800 what is actually supposed to be for me and what isn't. 2542 02:57:35.800 --> 02:57:37.960 And sometimes when I can't discern it, 2543 02:57:37.960 --> 02:57:40.920 God will just really abruptly show me 2544 02:57:40.920 --> 02:57:43.400 that no, I'm closing this door or I'm opening this door. 2545 02:57:43.400 --> 02:57:45.240 He opens doors that no one else can open 2546 02:57:45.240 --> 02:57:47.880 and he closes doors that no one else can shut. 2547 02:57:47.920 --> 02:57:52.240 And I would not have shut that door, but he did. 2548 02:57:52.240 --> 02:57:54.640 I thought that was the direction I was supposed to go in, 2549 02:57:54.640 --> 02:57:56.240 but he knew it wasn't. 2550 02:57:56.240 --> 02:57:59.280 So again, it's like that. 2551 02:57:59.280 --> 02:58:01.400 I feel like a lot of the theme of this conversation 2552 02:58:01.400 --> 02:58:04.240 has been being in that unknown space. 2553 02:58:04.240 --> 02:58:07.720 Just like, this is what I know and understand. 2554 02:58:07.720 --> 02:58:08.840 I'm on land. 2555 02:58:08.840 --> 02:58:11.240 So the tightrope walker, right? 2556 02:58:11.240 --> 02:58:14.360 The tightrope walker, he takes one step out. 2557 02:58:14.480 --> 02:58:18.480 He says the hardest part about tightrope walking 2558 02:58:18.480 --> 02:58:21.840 is not taking the first step, it's taking the second step. 2559 02:58:21.840 --> 02:58:23.000 Because at that point, 2560 02:58:23.000 --> 02:58:26.360 you're not held on by the building anymore. 2561 02:58:26.360 --> 02:58:30.520 And it was the one who had gone between the Twin Towers 2562 02:58:30.520 --> 02:58:33.240 way back, he went back and forth like eight times. 2563 02:58:33.240 --> 02:58:36.480 And he was explaining this and I thought, yeah. 2564 02:58:36.480 --> 02:58:39.600 Because at that point, you're really just trusting 2565 02:58:39.600 --> 02:58:41.600 that you're gonna be protected. 2566 02:58:41.600 --> 02:58:44.240 And that's where I feel like I'm at. 2567 02:58:45.120 --> 02:58:46.480 I feel like I've taken one step off of the building 2568 02:58:46.480 --> 02:58:47.800 onto the tightrope, 2569 02:58:47.800 --> 02:58:50.520 but I'm still holding on to that other step. 2570 02:58:50.520 --> 02:58:52.600 I'm not like, I haven't stepped out with the other one yet. 2571 02:58:52.600 --> 02:58:54.640 Cause I'm like, what if I fall? 2572 02:58:54.640 --> 02:58:56.120 What if I don't know how to balance? 2573 02:58:56.120 --> 02:58:58.680 What if the wind is too strong and I blow off? 2574 02:58:58.680 --> 02:59:00.480 Like all these things. 2575 02:59:00.480 --> 02:59:02.440 And it's like, I'm focusing on the circumstances, 2576 02:59:02.440 --> 02:59:05.640 the wind and the waves, and I'm not focused on God. 2577 02:59:05.640 --> 02:59:07.320 And it's like getting to that spot 2578 02:59:07.320 --> 02:59:10.120 where we can focus on God, which is so, 2579 02:59:11.120 --> 02:59:16.120 it's so easy and it's so challenging with our humanity. 2580 02:59:17.320 --> 02:59:18.160 Yes. 2581 02:59:18.160 --> 02:59:19.000 No. 2582 02:59:19.000 --> 02:59:19.840 Yeah. 2583 02:59:19.840 --> 02:59:20.680 Oh yeah. 2584 02:59:20.680 --> 02:59:23.800 So I think that's definitely, 2585 02:59:23.800 --> 02:59:26.520 I think you've gone over that hump, 2586 02:59:26.520 --> 02:59:29.440 but you're still in that position of choosing all the time, 2587 02:59:29.440 --> 02:59:32.880 but you've made that big decision at one point. 2588 02:59:32.880 --> 02:59:36.120 And I don't know if you've ever had to make a decision 2589 02:59:36.520 --> 02:59:40.760 in that way, like that strongly in that way again, 2590 02:59:40.760 --> 02:59:42.560 or if that was kind of the big one 2591 02:59:42.560 --> 02:59:44.440 where you put the other foot out, 2592 02:59:44.440 --> 02:59:47.800 or is it a repeated thing you have to decide all the time? 2593 02:59:47.800 --> 02:59:49.880 Well, it didn't feel the same 2594 02:59:49.880 --> 02:59:51.320 the other times that I've done it. 2595 02:59:51.320 --> 02:59:55.520 So I would say that it wasn't quite as strong, 2596 02:59:55.520 --> 03:00:00.520 but believe me when I say that when I've had to make, 2597 03:00:00.000 --> 03:00:06.720 certain decisions in certain areas to move into rest since then, they have been extreme. 2598 03:00:06.720 --> 03:00:12.920 But there wasn't, I haven't experienced one yet where I thought I was going to die, where 2599 03:00:12.920 --> 03:00:17.440 my body, where my soul was so desperate and my body was manifesting that what it is that 2600 03:00:17.440 --> 03:00:21.880 my soul believed to the point my body literally felt it was going to die. 2601 03:00:21.880 --> 03:00:27.160 So I haven't experienced that one again, which I don't believe that I will, because I believe 2602 03:00:27.160 --> 03:00:31.240 that that was like the original one, like, okay, now we're on this path. 2603 03:00:31.240 --> 03:00:37.120 But ever since then, it was like, you know, kind of like the main switch. 2604 03:00:37.120 --> 03:00:44.760 But ever since then, I will periodically in certain areas that I have a very, I am very, 2605 03:00:44.760 --> 03:00:49.040 I have, I reached certain major strongholds. 2606 03:00:49.040 --> 03:00:52.160 And by strongholds, I don't mean it is a hold of me. 2607 03:00:52.160 --> 03:00:55.080 It means I am strongly holding on to it. 2608 03:00:55.080 --> 03:01:01.800 Not these strongholds like Satan is like, Satan is, you know, come against me and I'm 2609 03:01:01.800 --> 03:01:02.800 this victim. 2610 03:01:02.800 --> 03:01:03.800 No, no, no. 2611 03:01:03.800 --> 03:01:07.280 I'm holding on to it. 2612 03:01:07.280 --> 03:01:09.400 Because that's how I personally believe that it works. 2613 03:01:09.400 --> 03:01:14.000 But this is a very simplistic way in which I believe that it works. 2614 03:01:14.000 --> 03:01:18.440 I'm sure that there's more to it that I don't fully understand, but I only speak in the 2615 03:01:18.440 --> 03:01:32.200 very simplistic, I try to speak the simpleness of the gospel and the freedom that it is that 2616 03:01:32.200 --> 03:01:38.680 we have in it, not all of the intricacies and particulars of whatever. 2617 03:01:38.680 --> 03:01:45.300 And so since then, I've had times where, yes, I've had to make very, very major decisions 2618 03:01:45.300 --> 03:01:52.940 to the point where I was, I'll be, I have felt literally nauseous and, or nauseated, 2619 03:01:52.940 --> 03:01:53.940 not nauseous. 2620 03:01:53.940 --> 03:01:54.940 Nauseated. 2621 03:01:54.940 --> 03:01:55.940 Sorry, I have a degree in English. 2622 03:01:55.940 --> 03:01:56.940 So words are very important. 2623 03:01:56.940 --> 03:01:57.940 It's nauseated. 2624 03:01:57.940 --> 03:02:01.260 Nauseous means I make people sick. 2625 03:02:01.260 --> 03:02:09.460 Nauseated means I am feeling sick, but, and I feel nauseated because, you know, I'm, I'll, 2626 03:02:09.460 --> 03:02:16.060 I was, I was struggling against it so much and I was so terrified that I was going to 2627 03:02:16.060 --> 03:02:17.060 die on the other side. 2628 03:02:17.060 --> 03:02:21.620 Now, not physically die anymore, but this would be like, Lord, it's just, this is a 2629 03:02:21.620 --> 03:02:26.620 spiritual death here or soulish death, really, and oh my word. 2630 03:02:26.620 --> 03:02:32.620 And I just felt, and I was holding onto it and that struggle, that struggle of feeling 2631 03:02:32.620 --> 03:02:37.940 the urge in my, in my spirits, calling me to do one thing and to come into alignment 2632 03:02:37.940 --> 03:02:38.940 and to agreement. 2633 03:02:38.940 --> 03:02:46.140 And my soul is just resisting that, that pressure was creating, was making, my body was manifesting 2634 03:02:46.140 --> 03:02:54.420 as feeling nauseous, as feeling nauseated and, and so in moments like that actually 2635 03:02:54.420 --> 03:03:03.700 is how God has began to articulate for me more and more what choosing means, where it's 2636 03:03:03.700 --> 03:03:05.940 an act of the will. 2637 03:03:05.940 --> 03:03:12.700 I intentionally and deliberately choose and willfully choose that this is what I'm going 2638 03:03:12.700 --> 03:03:22.820 to do without requiring understanding, logic, motivation, desire, anything. 2639 03:03:22.820 --> 03:03:25.340 It's an act of my will. 2640 03:03:25.340 --> 03:03:31.980 Even if I don't want it, I'm going to, I'm intentionally choosing it. 2641 03:03:31.980 --> 03:03:37.140 And now ultimately deep down, we want it because we want the Lord and deep down we 2642 03:03:37.140 --> 03:03:38.140 desire it. 2643 03:03:38.140 --> 03:03:42.420 But I'm talking about like flesh, fleshly, soulish, want, desire, even if I don't want 2644 03:03:42.420 --> 03:03:46.300 it, even if I don't desire it, I know that ultimately deep down I do, and I allow my 2645 03:03:46.300 --> 03:03:49.540 spirit to, to dictate that. 2646 03:03:49.540 --> 03:03:55.580 So I, so I have felt very extreme. 2647 03:03:55.580 --> 03:04:02.440 My soul has been in extreme terror, extreme fear to the point, and I've been in so much 2648 03:04:02.440 --> 03:04:05.780 resistance to the point where I felt nauseated. 2649 03:04:05.780 --> 03:04:17.420 And the last time I remember doing that was February, maybe, I think. 2650 03:04:17.420 --> 03:04:23.380 I'm guessing at that February or March was the last time I remember feeling nauseated 2651 03:04:23.380 --> 03:04:31.500 because I was, I got, I knew that I had to, to, to do it and it was, it was that hard. 2652 03:04:31.500 --> 03:04:33.380 And by the way, I have a very, very strong stomach. 2653 03:04:33.380 --> 03:04:35.860 I do not feel nauseated easily. 2654 03:04:35.860 --> 03:04:45.620 I went through, I didn't, I, it, I didn't vomit, you know, like, like, like even when 2655 03:04:45.620 --> 03:04:49.540 I was sick, like, like I had the flu or whatever for 15 years. 2656 03:04:49.540 --> 03:04:55.540 And so the very next time that I did, I had been given anesthesia for my, I've been put 2657 03:04:55.540 --> 03:04:57.980 under to take out my wisdom teeth. 2658 03:04:57.980 --> 03:04:58.980 And this is probably like. 2659 03:05:00.000 --> 03:05:05.840 like five years ago and I'd never been put under before and I had a reaction to it and so when they 2660 03:05:05.840 --> 03:05:09.920 they put me under and they just thought oh she's just gonna be under for 30 minutes I was under for 2661 03:05:09.920 --> 03:05:16.480 about three hours and so they because my body wasn't used to it so anyway when I woke up you 2662 03:05:16.480 --> 03:05:22.000 know my my stomach was upset and it and and so I threw up but I haven't done it since so in other 2663 03:05:22.000 --> 03:05:26.160 words my point telling you all of that I didn't mean to give you didn't mean to you know give 2664 03:05:26.160 --> 03:05:34.000 you TMI my point is to explain I have a very strong stomach it takes a lot for me to feel 2665 03:05:34.000 --> 03:05:41.600 nauseated even when I get sick I'm not nauseated so it I'm in that much battle and in that much 2666 03:05:41.600 --> 03:05:47.440 turmoil I tell you that so that you understand that the things that I'm explaining to you of 2667 03:05:48.720 --> 03:05:55.360 making choices of of making that what we always refer to as the leap of faith which is 2668 03:05:55.360 --> 03:06:00.000 unfortunately becomes such a cliche we don't even pay attention to it anymore but just the 2669 03:06:00.000 --> 03:06:07.040 total abandonment to an unknown where our in our life is on the line our life is at risk 2670 03:06:07.040 --> 03:06:13.040 and and we're just like and we're taking that second step where there is no more that there's 2671 03:06:14.720 --> 03:06:21.680 we don't we can't we're letting go of the last the last hole that we have and we don't know 2672 03:06:21.680 --> 03:06:24.960 what's going to happen and and it could lead to our death is what it feels like 2673 03:06:25.920 --> 03:06:34.880 um yeah I just want you to know that that I walk through that too and so everything that I'm saying 2674 03:06:36.320 --> 03:06:44.640 fully sustains is strong enough I know that it sounds simple but it fully sustains in the most 2675 03:06:44.640 --> 03:06:53.520 desperate dire spiritual physical and emotional life and death situations um and and I live it out 2676 03:06:53.520 --> 03:07:00.320 myself um so anyway I didn't you know I didn't so and then also sometimes people just feel like I 2677 03:07:00.320 --> 03:07:07.040 can um uh can help understand that I relate to their experiences because I don't ever want 2678 03:07:07.040 --> 03:07:11.360 it to um I want people to understand that even though the things that I say sound simple 2679 03:07:12.320 --> 03:07:18.320 I'm not devaluing what it is that people are going through how it feels to them the significance the 2680 03:07:18.320 --> 03:07:25.440 weight it's oh yes it's um I live it out yeah and I always appreciate that I always appreciate when 2681 03:07:25.440 --> 03:07:31.280 you share your experience because again like now you seem you figured out a lot of the things that 2682 03:07:31.280 --> 03:07:37.680 some of us have not quite gotten to you're a few steps ahead and we didn't know you when you were 2683 03:07:37.680 --> 03:07:45.040 maybe in a place that some of us are currently in or have been in recently so I think for us to 2684 03:07:45.040 --> 03:07:50.160 know sometimes that it's possible for us or at least I can speak from I for me to know that it's 2685 03:07:50.160 --> 03:07:54.640 possible for me it helps to know someone else has been where I've been and they've been able to 2686 03:07:54.640 --> 03:08:04.480 choose and to overcome and but in a really healthy way not in a um you know in a in a god-focused way 2687 03:08:04.480 --> 03:08:12.560 really yes right as choosing you know or you could do superficial manifesting and it doesn't 2688 03:08:12.560 --> 03:08:20.000 come from the bible it doesn't come from that spirit but no you've definitely um the way you've 2689 03:08:20.000 --> 03:08:26.080 taught the things that you've learned from the bible has opened my eyes a lot to what's possible 2690 03:08:26.080 --> 03:08:32.320 and I think I just had a big blip over the weekend and this last week with a lot of triggers and 2691 03:08:32.880 --> 03:08:38.960 been feeling guilty about my poor sweet little girl who you know I didn't like shout at her 2692 03:08:38.960 --> 03:08:46.160 anything but I had a very stern voice and she was crying and I was frustrated and I was like 2693 03:08:46.160 --> 03:08:50.800 man I that is not how I want to show up I don't know if you ever do that where you just show up 2694 03:08:50.800 --> 03:08:58.960 in a way and you're like I did not want to yeah and you know I it's funny because this morning 2695 03:08:58.960 --> 03:09:02.880 she was sad and I said sweetie are you sad about what happened yesterday and then she's like yeah 2696 03:09:02.880 --> 03:09:10.720 and she goes what happened yesterday oh that's cute like okay so we don't even know how to 2697 03:09:10.720 --> 03:09:15.280 articulate this or she doesn't know what she's talking about but in the moment and then she 2698 03:09:15.280 --> 03:09:22.720 sometimes gets in this place of she comes to me and she's like mommy are you happy again are you 2699 03:09:22.720 --> 03:09:31.600 happy now I love you mommy and I don't ever want her to look to me to dictate how she feels if she 2700 03:09:31.600 --> 03:09:37.760 feels loved and accepted so I'm like sweetie I love you all the time if I'm angry I'm frustrated 2701 03:09:38.480 --> 03:09:44.400 it's not about you really I'm like mommy's frustrated about something and you know there's 2702 03:09:44.400 --> 03:09:49.280 just something going on and I always love you you're always like the most important girl in 2703 03:09:49.280 --> 03:09:53.840 the whole world to me so don't ever think that it's about something being wrong with you because 2704 03:09:53.840 --> 03:09:58.560 you're amazing you're perfect I just sometimes we just need to work on some things mommy needs 2705 03:09:58.560 --> 03:09:59.840 to work on things too 2706 03:10:00.000 --> 03:10:06.480 So I try to explain it to her so she understands in her little almost five-year-old mind, but 2707 03:10:06.480 --> 03:10:13.360 it's, um, I feel, you know, I, I put, I think if I can be in rest more with her, which I 2708 03:10:13.360 --> 03:10:17.040 have been, I've noticed a shift in her, even in the week. 2709 03:10:17.040 --> 03:10:23.240 On Sunday, I was like, oh man, I wonder if I would have been in rest, would the day have 2710 03:10:23.240 --> 03:10:24.240 turned out better? 2711 03:10:24.240 --> 03:10:28.520 If I wouldn't have been frustrated about all the stuff that was going on, would she have 2712 03:10:28.520 --> 03:10:31.040 been more peaceful? 2713 03:10:31.040 --> 03:10:36.720 Unless that's what I was going to say is, is that, you know, they can sense the environment 2714 03:10:36.720 --> 03:10:42.600 and then the more upset that a parent is, the more child will act out unless they do 2715 03:10:42.600 --> 03:10:43.680 the opposite. 2716 03:10:43.680 --> 03:10:50.360 And they stifle themselves trying to, because they feel that there's some, um, uh, that 2717 03:10:50.360 --> 03:10:56.960 they typically get abuse when, when they act that when, um, you know, mommy or daddy is 2718 03:10:56.960 --> 03:11:02.400 upset, then children can get really, really, really quiet and try to make themselves invisible. 2719 03:11:02.400 --> 03:11:07.160 But other than that, you know, children, and that's usually more extreme situations or 2720 03:11:07.160 --> 03:11:13.560 when children have interpreted it extremely, but the majority of the time, children act 2721 03:11:13.560 --> 03:11:19.720 out more when, um, when mommy and daddy are upset or there's some element in which they, 2722 03:11:19.720 --> 03:11:22.160 they sense a spiritual chaos. 2723 03:11:23.160 --> 03:11:28.160 Um, so yeah, that's very interesting. 2724 03:11:28.160 --> 03:11:29.160 It's good wisdom. 2725 03:11:29.160 --> 03:11:30.160 Thank you. 2726 03:11:30.160 --> 03:11:32.160 Well, I, uh, I appreciate our call. 2727 03:11:32.160 --> 03:11:33.160 I appreciate your time. 2728 03:11:33.160 --> 03:11:34.160 You're welcome. 2729 03:11:34.160 --> 03:11:36.160 It was good to visit with you. 2730 03:11:36.160 --> 03:11:37.160 You too. 2731 03:11:37.160 --> 03:11:42.160 And, um, yeah, I hope you hope you have a good rest of the day. 2732 03:11:42.160 --> 03:11:46.160 I've got another couple of calls. 2733 03:11:46.160 --> 03:11:47.160 Cool. 2734 03:11:47.160 --> 03:11:48.160 Busy day. 2735 03:11:48.160 --> 03:11:49.160 Nice. 2736 03:11:49.160 --> 03:11:50.160 Yeah. 2737 03:11:50.160 --> 03:11:51.160 Yeah. 2738 03:11:51.160 --> 03:11:53.160 Well, I mean, I'm glad you had a really good weekend. 2739 03:11:53.160 --> 03:11:57.160 Do you think you'll do a live about any of your weekend experiences or are you just going 2740 03:11:57.160 --> 03:12:00.160 to keep those kind of personal to what you experienced? 2741 03:12:00.160 --> 03:12:06.160 Um, oh, you mean, you mean what it is that God talked to me about, you know, and how 2742 03:12:06.160 --> 03:12:07.160 he came through for me? 2743 03:12:07.160 --> 03:12:09.160 Um, I don't know. 2744 03:12:09.160 --> 03:12:14.160 Um, I, there are things that so many things that I would like to be able to share. 2745 03:12:15.160 --> 03:12:21.160 And, um, it's just that the nature of some of them, I haven't felt whether I haven't 2746 03:12:21.160 --> 03:12:33.160 felt whether the Lord is saying that, um, that, uh, to use, to use, um, um, old church 2747 03:12:33.160 --> 03:12:40.160 mindset and, uh, phrasing felt released by the Lord to be able to say something. 2748 03:12:41.160 --> 03:12:47.160 I know that it would greatly help everybody to under, to, to hear like y'all post about, 2749 03:12:47.160 --> 03:12:51.160 you know, when y'all post about your struggles, you know, or this is how I'm feeling right 2750 03:12:51.160 --> 03:12:52.160 now. 2751 03:12:52.160 --> 03:12:54.160 Or, you know, this is a testimony. 2752 03:12:54.160 --> 03:12:56.160 This is how the Lord has come through for me. 2753 03:12:56.160 --> 03:13:00.160 Do due to the nature of some of them, just like y'all have particular things that you 2754 03:13:00.160 --> 03:13:03.160 only tell me in private and you don't post them publicly. 2755 03:13:03.160 --> 03:13:08.160 There are things that I haven't felt like I could actually, that I could actually post 2756 03:13:08.160 --> 03:13:10.160 due to the nature of them. 2757 03:13:10.160 --> 03:13:15.160 Um, and, um, you know, like for, like, for instance, you mentioned something, um, you 2758 03:13:15.160 --> 03:13:20.160 know, about issues with, uh, you know, with your parents and stuff like that, but you're 2759 03:13:20.160 --> 03:13:24.160 how the, and the uncomfortableness that you feel in exposing that even to your clients 2760 03:13:24.160 --> 03:13:29.160 or, or to whatever, even if your parents never saw it, just you knowing that you told somebody 2761 03:13:29.160 --> 03:13:34.160 as opposed to like, just telling somebody one-on-one, like using it to help clients 2762 03:13:34.160 --> 03:13:35.160 or whatever. 2763 03:13:35.160 --> 03:13:40.160 And it's, it's relationship issues or, or whatever types of issues that, that, um, sometimes 2764 03:13:40.160 --> 03:13:46.160 I go through and I'm like, well, I really have to be careful about how I word that because 2765 03:13:46.160 --> 03:13:51.160 it's always for other people's sake or for, I don't know, it depends on the situation 2766 03:13:51.160 --> 03:13:53.160 as to what's going on, but yeah. 2767 03:13:53.160 --> 03:13:55.160 No, I don't know. 2768 03:13:55.160 --> 03:13:59.160 I'd like to, and I keep trying to think of how I can, how I can like encourage all the 2769 03:13:59.160 --> 03:14:04.160 let y'all have, um, some transparent views of things that I'm going through when I'm 2770 03:14:04.160 --> 03:14:05.160 going through them. 2771 03:14:05.160 --> 03:14:12.160 But, um, and I do whenever the nature of them allows me to, but, um, I've struggled with 2772 03:14:12.160 --> 03:14:13.160 some recent ones. 2773 03:14:13.160 --> 03:14:14.160 Yeah. 2774 03:14:14.160 --> 03:14:15.160 No, I hear you. 2775 03:14:15.160 --> 03:14:16.160 I hear you. 2776 03:14:16.160 --> 03:14:22.160 Well, I mean, I very rarely will share some of the deep stuff with my clients, but once 2777 03:14:22.160 --> 03:14:28.160 in a while when they're experiencing something, I will share something very deep and personal 2778 03:14:29.160 --> 03:14:31.160 that it's just a one-on-one basis. 2779 03:14:31.160 --> 03:14:34.160 And I'm like, you know, I don't tell a lot of people this. 2780 03:14:34.160 --> 03:14:40.160 So from my past, the stuff that God's worked on, I don't need to revisit it, but I know 2781 03:14:40.160 --> 03:14:41.160 it'll be helpful for them. 2782 03:14:41.160 --> 03:14:47.160 So then I'll share it, but it's, um, it's definitely a case by case basis and it's definitely 2783 03:14:47.160 --> 03:14:48.160 a one-on-one thing. 2784 03:14:48.160 --> 03:14:53.160 I don't know if some of those things I would actually disclose just out on social media 2785 03:14:53.160 --> 03:14:56.160 or even in my Facebook group because it wouldn't be as purposeful. 2786 03:14:56.160 --> 03:14:59.160 It would be because I was being really called in the moment to share it. 2787 03:15:00.000 --> 03:15:03.480 there at, but not want to put it out there, you know? 2788 03:15:03.960 --> 03:15:06.400 Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. 2789 03:15:06.400 --> 03:15:08.800 And there's some things that I have recently, um, that, 2790 03:15:08.800 --> 03:15:13.680 that I thought of recently that, um, happened a while ago that I thought, 2791 03:15:13.680 --> 03:15:17.040 you know what? I've wondered, it's like, Lord, that those things would be very 2792 03:15:17.040 --> 03:15:18.840 helpful. Can, is it time for, 2793 03:15:18.840 --> 03:15:21.840 for me to be able to talk about stuff like that? Cause enough time has passed. 2794 03:15:22.040 --> 03:15:25.560 So, so we'll see. I might have some, I might have some stuff more, um, 2795 03:15:25.600 --> 03:15:27.480 recently. Cause I mean, 2796 03:15:27.480 --> 03:15:31.080 I have some stuff that I might be able to share soon. 2797 03:15:31.440 --> 03:15:34.840 You've shared some good stuff though, in some of your rest intensive videos. 2798 03:15:35.280 --> 03:15:40.200 I've, I've enjoyed like your vulnerability in some of them where I'm like, 2799 03:15:40.240 --> 03:15:40.560 Oh wow. 2800 03:15:40.560 --> 03:15:44.960 She shared a lot about what she went through and made me feel like you 2801 03:15:44.960 --> 03:15:48.120 understood even more, which was good. But I think, you know, 2802 03:15:48.120 --> 03:15:52.960 you're also in this space of wanting to really be in the spirit and focus on 2803 03:15:53.440 --> 03:15:58.000 God. And sometimes that negates some of the negative stuff. 2804 03:15:58.000 --> 03:16:01.880 Maybe, you know, you don't, you don't choose to focus on a lot of the, 2805 03:16:02.120 --> 03:16:03.600 if we look at it as like a line here, 2806 03:16:03.600 --> 03:16:06.920 you don't go below the line and stay there for too long to focus. 2807 03:16:07.760 --> 03:16:10.960 You're kind of like always trying to rise above with Christ. Right. 2808 03:16:11.320 --> 03:16:13.160 So it's a different feel. 2809 03:16:13.160 --> 03:16:17.120 And I think that in itself is really inspiring because you have shared some of 2810 03:16:17.120 --> 03:16:21.040 your difficulties and then you do share one-on-one with people, 2811 03:16:21.440 --> 03:16:26.000 but you choose to kind of live in that realm more, I think now. Right. 2812 03:16:27.280 --> 03:16:31.760 I, yes, I choose to. And yeah. And, and always, yeah. 2813 03:16:32.080 --> 03:16:33.400 Always, I was choosing to. 2814 03:16:33.560 --> 03:16:35.800 It's always an opportunity for growth. It's all. 2815 03:16:36.560 --> 03:16:38.800 I know exactly. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. 2816 03:16:39.000 --> 03:16:43.000 Choose to take the opportunity, you know, as much as, as much as I possibly, 2817 03:16:43.360 --> 03:16:47.320 as much as I possibly can. So, and I want y'all to know, 2818 03:16:47.760 --> 03:16:49.880 and I went, you know, just because it'd be, 2819 03:16:49.920 --> 03:16:52.000 I just figured it would be encouraging, you know, 2820 03:16:52.000 --> 03:16:56.440 for y'all to know when I do have to drop down sometimes when I struggle and 2821 03:16:56.440 --> 03:16:59.960 like, all right, I need a, you know, I'm struggling here, Lord. And this is, 2822 03:16:59.960 --> 03:17:03.920 these are the things that I'm doubting. And because I want y'all to hear 2823 03:17:05.240 --> 03:17:07.240 the struggles that y'all are having. 2824 03:17:07.240 --> 03:17:10.680 I want you to hear them when I asked the Lord, those same things. 2825 03:17:12.160 --> 03:17:15.640 So that y'all can, so that y'all can be encouraged and know, Hey, look, 2826 03:17:15.640 --> 03:17:19.800 if I'm living this life and I'm still having these questions, you know, 2827 03:17:20.040 --> 03:17:23.960 still running up against things that y'all are like, okay. So, 2828 03:17:24.520 --> 03:17:26.440 so just because I'm running into those things, 2829 03:17:26.440 --> 03:17:29.080 doesn't mean that I can't that there's not hope in that. 2830 03:17:29.080 --> 03:17:33.560 I can't be moving forward that, you know, to, in other words, you know, 2831 03:17:33.560 --> 03:17:35.640 I have Ashley's living this life and I can too, 2832 03:17:35.640 --> 03:17:38.360 because Ashley's the son of God, just like, just like me. So. 2833 03:17:41.320 --> 03:17:45.000 Well, well, thank you. And it's been great spending time with you and, uh, 2834 03:17:46.680 --> 03:17:49.120 I'm sure we'll be in touch at some point soon. So. 2835 03:17:49.880 --> 03:17:52.280 Sounds good. Hope you have a good afternoon. 2836 03:17:52.680 --> 03:17:55.800 Thank you. You too. And, uh, yeah. Talk to you soon. 2837 03:17:56.200 --> 03:17:57.240 Okay. Bye. 2838 03:17:57.800 --> 03:17:58.440 Bye.