WEBVTT

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Jackie taught me, doing it over and over again.

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And so somebody hit record before I did.

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So I'm going to go ahead and I was going to hit record just since I felt like we had enough

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people here.

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So welcome to our lovesy slash do's and don'ts of dating.

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My name is Renee and I'm exciting to be here.

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So I came up with this topic with Jackie because I have been watching and reading everybody's

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posts in the community, especially in phase three, I'm like, okay, you're in phase three.

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You kind of been there a while.

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So I kind of expect we all kind of paid attention in phase two and we kind of know the rules

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of the road.

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And so I've been noticing some of the same patterns happening again.

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And I'm like, dang it, like we've talked about this.

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So I thought, I said, Jackie, I would love to kind of revisit some of the rules of the

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road, the do's and don'ts of dating at different stages.

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And so here are my topics tonight.

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I'm going to take questions.

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You can be in the love seats tonight.

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You can ask me any dating question you want, but here are the topics I'm going to cover

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the do's and don'ts of meeting people in the wild, out in the real world without the internet.

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Level one dating, especially online reviewing and texting stage.

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Like how do you get out of that texting stage?

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Then how do you do the live dates and the video dates?

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How do you get, how do you do level two well?

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And then how do you get to level three or how do you know when you're ready for level

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three?

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And then the last thing is how to do long distance dating because Brian and I were long

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distance.

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We were three and a half hours apart.

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So I just lived through it.

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So I know what that's like.

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Okay.

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So I will try to hit the chats as I get towards the end.

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So feel free to like throw it in there.

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I don't know who else is Mannington.

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I don't know if Cheryl and Aaron are Mannington tonight.

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So somebody will alert me if there's something drastic I need to, but I promise this will

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be a conversation where you guys both get, well, we both get to go interact back and

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Okay.

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So meeting people in the wild.

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And this is especially important for those that are like really tired of online dating.

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You're like, I'm just sick of it.

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I need to take a break from it.

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That's great.

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So unless you are in fact, um, on a dating sabbatical, if you are in fact on a dating

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sabbatical, that might be different.

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That's an intentional.

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But if you are still trying to date, it means you need to be doing something.

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It means you, if you're going offline and you're not going to be online, then you need

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to be doing the other stuff, which is being willing to meet people out in the wild.

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So here were seven things that I thought of that you should be doing.

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You need to one, be going to new places.

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If where you're going doesn't help you meet people, then you need to go new places.

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That might be a gym, a grocery store, a coffee shop, um, a singles ministry, um, a place

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where you go watch a basketball game or now it's football season.

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Y'all it's like diehard football season in the South here.

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And so guys and girls will be out there watching some games.

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So go to new places.

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That's the most important thing that you need to do is go to new places to y'all need to

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do this.

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Especially if this doesn't come natural for you, you have to practice flirting everywhere

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to everybody.

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I don't care if it's some old man where you're getting your little car kind of replaced.

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You don't know that his son might be single.

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And so there's a way of being flirty and friendly without being sexual.

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So it's not like you're trying to pick up some old guy or trying to pick up some married

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girl or whatever.

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So I know there's men and women on here.

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So practice flirting.

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So I call this low stakes flirting.

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I do this at the gym, at the grocery store, at a coffee shop where I get my car serviced.

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And it'll be simple things like at the grocery store.

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I'm really short.

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Hey, could you reach that for me?

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Hey, could you reach for that for me?

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Or if somebody is purchasing something I'm curious about, like, oh my gosh, I was thinking

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about buying that.

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Do you really like that item or oh my gosh, I really love the watermelons here.

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Like I don't know.

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I just said a watermelon.

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Dirty dancing.

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There you go.

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So practice flirting with people that are low stakes.

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You guys, you can even flirt with people of the same sex.

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It is just called being friendly and engaging in conversation.

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So practice your flirt.

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Three, go places where the opposite sex is.

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So you know, I used to like be a member at a bougie little bar studio like y'all, all

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I'm not going to meet men there.

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I'm in the women's leadership cohort or Denver Seminary.

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I mean, Jackie was like, look, how are you going to meet any men if you're going in the

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women's leadership cohort?

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I know.

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Like I wasn't putting myself in front of any of the men.

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And so you want to make sure that you are going places.

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I actually got a chance to chat with the men on Monday night, a couple of Mondays ago.

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And here's where they are, ladies.

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Here's where men are.

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They are at sports bars, especially football season.

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You can go during the day on Saturday and Sunday.

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You can see.

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football games. Ladies, there are always good looking men on Friday night lights at your local

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high school rivalry football games. It is Friday night light season. You can always find people to

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talk to. So if you don't have kids, find a friend who has kids and go and hang out. You'd be

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surprised at how many people dancing. I can't tell you how many of the guys in our group here go do

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like online or line dancing, West Coast swing. And they said that there was actually more men

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going to those places than women. But so go dancing, like go go dancing. Let's see meetup

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groups, hiking events, volunteer events. So if you're gonna go to a volunteer event, again,

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pick something that the opposite sex is going to go and serving meals to the homeless carton,

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like the big jugs of like food supplies and stuff. Habitat for Humanity is a great kind of

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nonprofit to support because you're actually going to be doing an activity together.

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Outdoor festivals fall is upon us. I don't know about y'all, but like Nashville and Franklin,

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find any reason to shut down that dang street right down the road here and have a festival

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for just about every single reason. I find festivals and outdoor concerts and outdoor

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vendors a much easier way to mingle with people than an indoor like loud concert. That seems a

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bit hard for me to do that. So we're talking about the do's and don'ts for those of you who

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are coming on late, the do's and don'ts tonight. That's what we're talking about. And right now,

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we're focused on meeting people in the wild. Go to new places, practice flirt,

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go places where the opposite sex are. Show up at these places. This goes with like the flirting

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thing. Show up at these places ready to smile, chat, and flirt. Look your best. So you guys,

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normally, when I used to bring my car into the shop and go sit at the dealership, I looked like

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I was ready to go shop at Walmart, not go pick up a guy. So now I had to make, so for the last

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couple of years, I've just made sure I look good everywhere I go. Like my sister would make fun of

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me. Like we would get on the plane. You guys, when you go to the airport, always look good at the

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airport. You never know who you're going to run into at the airport. And so like my sister used

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to tease me. She's like, why are you getting all dressed up? I'm like, because I'm still single,

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darn it. Like I got to look good at all times here. So I can't, I can't take a break. And like,

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there's day look and there's evening look. I mean, guys on this group right here, David and Tim could

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tell you, we don't need to be dressed to the nines, but we just need to look like we're just

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a little presentable. All right. Find the good in every outing. Even if you don't meet somebody,

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I can't tell you how many times I've been to like singles events, like local events and women can

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get, and I don't know if the men do this. So if you're there, you can, you're here, man. You can

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tell me if this happens with the men too, but it is really clear when women, if women don't

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meet a guy, like that's it, the night was wasted. It wasn't a good event. And so instead of looking

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to enjoy yourself, if you focus on, I'm only going out tonight to meet my husband, meet my wife.

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If that's your intention, then you're kind of setting yourself up with a very high stake.

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And so you're not giving yourself any room to just have fun and meet new people. You guys,

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I've had a lot of really good interaction with my single friends and going to places where I

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didn't meet anybody. And a lot of it had to do with my attitude. Also, especially this is true

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for the women. And it may be true for the men too, but the men kind of confirm this with me.

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If you are going out with girls, pick only one or two girls to go out with. If you want to try to

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meet men, men will kind of stay away from you if the posse is four or more. So if they see four or

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more girls together, that is probably too many for them to feel like they they're feeling like

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it's a girl's night out. They're not going to see that as a way to intermingle. So I try to,

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when I try to go out and flirt, I try to only pick one single friend to go with.

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Or you pick somebody like me. I'm engaged. So guess what you guys, I can flirt even better now

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for my friend. So I'm going to be like the best wing woman right now. So that was my number six

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item. Be a great wing man or a great wing woman. Somebody who's going to flirt for you and help you

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woo in and reel into somebody to come talk to. Because there's something about when you don't

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need to try to find a date, you get much more flirty and much more friendly because like the

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stakes are, um, four might be easier than two. Really Tim? So we talked about this like last

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week. Like if it's two, it's like if it's two or three girls and it gets easy for guys to talk to,

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but if there's only one or two guys, they kind of have a harder time coming with four. But if

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working with four girls, if you've gone out with four girlfriends and you've been able to meet guys

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and it's working for you, um, let's see, what was number five? Oh, find the good in every outing.

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So number one, go to new places. Two, practice the flirt everywhere. Three, go places where the

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opposite sex are. Four, show up at these places ready, look good. Five, find the good in every

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Six, be a great wing woman or wing man.

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And then seven was go out with one or two, try not to go out with an entire posse.

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Okay, those are the do's.

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Here are some don'ts when you go out or don'ts.

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Don't sit at home, don't sit at home y'all, don't sit at home.

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Don't sit at home or go places that you know you will not be in front of singles.

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Like don't keep picking the same places to go where you're not going to be in front of

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anybody that's single.

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Don't sit with a large group at a table that is not accessible to mingle.

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So if you're going to go with like 10 friends and you're going to go get one of those tables

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with 10 people and they kind of jam you in the pack, it's going to be really hard for

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you to mingle around the bar area or the restaurant to meet people.

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I have found the easiest place to flirt with strangers to be a nicer restaurant sitting

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at the bar during happy hour with a girlfriend.

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I find sitting at the bar makes it a lot easier because guess what?

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Even if a guy's not sitting next to you or a girl's not sitting next to you, they need

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to come to the bar to order their drink and that's a great way to talk to a stranger.

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Okay, so don't sit at home, don't sit with a large group tucked in the back corner.

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Don't only talk to single people.

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I know this seems counterintuitive you guys, but like there are so many great married people

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that know good people.

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Chances are your married friends and married people might know somebody, they might know

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the one single person.

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So I want you to have that mindset of thinking like anybody is a possibility.

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Jackie always talks about network dating and community dating.

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I can't tell you how many times like I literally met this sweet man at church this week.

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I want to hook him up with somebody in our program because he was like, he was, y'all,

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he looked my age and he was 64.

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I don't know how he was 64, but he looked my age and he looked amazing.

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And I was like, dude, I got to find you a girl.

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He's like, I can't find a good godly woman.

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I'm like, I got 700 women I could introduce you to like right now.

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And he, and so, um, okay, Jeannie, I'm on it.

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I'm on it.

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Where are you?

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I'm on it.

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Um, I'm going to get him in this program because he just looked like a great guy who was just

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looking for a great girl.

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So you guys, they are out there.

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They're just zigging and zagging with you.

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Okay.

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Now I did say go find, go to places where you want to meet the opposite sex, but here's

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my don't on that.

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Number four, don't go to places you would never ever go to again with your significant

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other.

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So if you abhor golf, don't go to the driving range because chances are if you meet a guy

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at the driving range, he likes to golf.

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Don't go horseback riding if you hate going horseback riding.

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So I'm also going to say, um, if you want to go outside your comfort zone, that's okay,

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but don't pick a place that you literally hate.

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And if your husband or wife did that, you're like, Oh my God, I can't believe they like

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to do that.

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Well then I would say don't go to that place because you also don't want to be fake either,

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right?

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If you, so if you're, if you're going to go to a new place you would normally not go to,

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you want to be open minded.

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But if it's a place you're like, there's no way I'm ever going to go do that, then don't

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go there because you don't want to give that false sense of that you enjoy it.

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You know, um, five, which kind of goes into number five.

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Don't be somebody that you're not.

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I don't want you to.

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That's why I don't go to pickleball.

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Exactly.

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Lydia, if you can't stand pickleball, why go do a pickleball thing?

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Like that just would be crazy.

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I mean, exactly.

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Um, don't be somebody that you're not.

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So that's kind of like that thing.

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Like you guys, you don't have to be me.

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You don't have to be Jackie.

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You just have to be the best Rebecca, the best Natasha, the best Tim, the best David.

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That's the only person that you have to be is you have to be the best version of you.

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So don't be somebody that you're not.

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Six, don't complain about dating, online dating or work or anything.

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So whenever you meet people of the opposite sex, it is really easy to commiserate how

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hard it is to be single together.

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Like, oh my gosh, online dating sucks.

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Doesn't it?

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Oh my God.

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There are so many creepos out there and creepy girls out there.

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They just like, do you know what I'm saying?

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Like misery loves company.

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So it's really easy to meet somebody of the opposite.

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So, oh, you're doing online dating too.

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How's it going?

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Right.

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I know it's a shit show out there.

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Right.

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Like, you know, like it's easy to fall in that, but let's not do that.

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Right.

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Let's just be super positive.

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Like, you know, I have not found my person yet, but I've met so many great people and

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I've learned so much about myself and every population.

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There are some great people and I'm trying to pay attention to the really cool people

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I meet, not the ones that I don't like.

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So that positive attitude will show on your face and negative attitude kind of crinkles

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you down.

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If you don't have money for Botox or fancy skincare, drink water and have a good attitude.

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And that will do a lot for your facial expressions.

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I promise you.

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Number seven, again, it goes back to don't complain if you don't meet anybody.

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It's just the complaining is just.

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You guys, complaining is just, you know, it's just the enemy trying to steal your joy,

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for sure. Okay, so those are the do's and don'ts of the wild. I'm going to go, I'm going to keep

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flying through all of these, and at the end, I'm going to take all your questions. So hopefully,

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all of them ask what how the dating process is going, Natasha, is that what you mean?

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Just be super positive about it. It's our opportunity to encourage them. You know what,

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I know it can be really difficult, but the truth is, you guys, in every season of our life,

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there are platforms and things that we could find all the faults in it, but I really am just trying

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to focus on what's going right and what's good about it. And you know what, I'm on there,

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so it can't be all that bad, because I'm on there, and I'm pretty amazing. It's like,

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so you see how you can turn that around? Okay, so now we've switched over to online dating,

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because so many of us are trying that process. Okay, so if you don't have a lot of time,

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and I've said this to the men and women, and you're like, I don't have time to spend hours

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and hours online. No, don't. Don't do it. Like, pick one or two sites. Like, I was only doing

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Facebook dating when I met Brian, and I decided I would spend about 20 minutes in the morning,

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20 minutes at the end of the day. That's it. I personally only liked on profiles where they

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liked me first. I only responded when men made the first attempt. So men, if you are on here,

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know that a lot of us are being trained. We want you to drop the hanky first. So

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we want you to like our profile first, and we want you to make the opening comment.

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Now, I will say this, y'all. Brian is probably going to put this in our vows, but he had the

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worst opening line ever. I had this really cute, sassy photo of me in his opening line.

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Y'all, I'm a wordsmith. I wanted a big bio. It was great pic. That's it. That's it.

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And he picked the sassy photo. So here was my attitude. Oh, really? Sure you picked the sassy

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photo, you scammer, you sleaze. I mean, like, literally, that was my first opinion. So I wrote

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back, nice smile. Like, I was kind of being flippant with him. Nice smile. And then he had

287
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a really nice opening paragraph, because he said, Renee, I would spend all this time trying to write

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an opening thing where I mentioned something that she wrote in her bio. I noticed about what she

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looked like. I would put all this time into it for that first text. And then half the time,

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the women didn't even respond to it. So I thought, I'm just not going to do that anymore. I'm just

291
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going to put a, like a little ping out there. And if then she responds, then I was going to come in

292
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with something more meaningful, which he did. And so you guys, like, don't be afraid of that first

293
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opening text. That's kind of lame. So guys, if you're going first, it doesn't have to be super

294
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like, hey, I really enjoyed reading your, I would, I would encourage more than what Brian did. Nice

295
00:17:49.820 --> 00:17:54.180
pic won't always get you someplace. I happen to be, you know, bored and tired, and I was willing

296
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to give it a shot. But say something as simple as, hey, it was really great reading your profile.

297
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I look forward to chatting with you. That's it. That's all you got to say. And so ladies,

298
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don't get upset. Don't get upset. Sorry, the cleaners are outside my door. So don't get upset

299
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when the guys have a lame opening sentence. That's why a lot of them have a lame opening

300
00:18:15.000 --> 00:18:19.220
sentence because they're tired of putting all this energy in and women blowing them off. So

301
00:18:19.220 --> 00:18:23.620
give them a chance until that second one. Now, if they don't get past good morning, hey, hey,

302
00:18:23.800 --> 00:18:29.320
hey, then you might want to move it along. It's all good. So here are the do's and don'ts at the

303
00:18:29.280 --> 00:18:33.980
reviewing. So I was, I'm sorry, I jumped to that because I'm trying to help you not spend so much

304
00:18:34.260 --> 00:18:38.900
time on texting and being online on the dating apps. I want you to learn how to get in and get

305
00:18:38.900 --> 00:18:42.620
out with the dating apps, getting in and get out. So that's how you get in and get out. Ladies,

306
00:18:42.620 --> 00:18:47.180
you only like the profiles where they've liked you first. You only talk to the men that reach

307
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out to your first men. If you're going to reach out to women, be actually ready to have a

308
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conversation with her. So less is more. You don't need to like cast the net if you don't think you

309
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want to chat with her. And then you can keep the questions super, super short at the front end

310
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until you kind of weed out. All right. So here are my six do's for reviewing and texting stage

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one, create an engaging profile that hits all the highlights. So you guys,

312
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we know you love Jesus, but every answer to your question doesn't have to be Jesus.

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So make sure that you share all of you, all of the things that make you, you,

314
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the books you like to read, the movies you like to go see, the activities you like to do,

315
00:19:27.720 --> 00:19:32.480
places you like to travel, foods you like to eat. Make sure your profile is a good snippet

316
00:19:32.480 --> 00:19:41.860
of all the things that make you, you, um, to include closeup. So like, this is a closeup

317
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photo and y'all look at face the light. Look how young I look, no lines and wrinkles. When you

318
00:19:46.840 --> 00:19:51.220
face the light, all the lines disappear, makes you look really good. I'm looking at the camera

319
00:19:51.220 --> 00:19:55.740
right now. I see a lot of you facing the light and you look young. Like me. I see some of you

320
00:19:55.740 --> 00:19:59.980
with the light behind you and you got dark, you know, and it's like, it's cat.

321
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:04.840
Casting a shadow on your face, so make sure you got light on your, light is your friend, light is your friend.

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A full-length photo, a close-up photo, and you guys like photos that show different sides of your personality.

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I mean, share briefly what you're looking for in somebody else. Always, oh, when the messages have to, so, Amika, that's a great, I'm not sure if I'm saying your name correctly, Amika.

324
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I will tell you this, how I handled it on Bumble was, I would say this, hey, I really enjoyed reading your profile, especially loved what you said about running.

325
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If you're still interested, I'd love to hear back from you. That's it, that's all I would say.

326
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I would pick one thing about their profile that caught my interest, and then I would leave the ball in their court.

327
00:20:42.060 --> 00:20:48.360
So, you quote, unquote, make that first contact, but you don't have to, like, share too much about yourself.

328
00:20:48.360 --> 00:20:55.060
You're basically saying, hey, I know you liked my thing, but I don't know if you liked mine with 500 other women, and you didn't even read my profile.

329
00:20:55.220 --> 00:20:59.300
So, I actually would invite people, like, hey, I really enjoyed reading this about you.

330
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Go ahead and read my profile, see if you think we might be a match to have a conversation.

331
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That's what I've tried to do, because I actually want them to do that, and somebody suggested sometimes reading their, or answering their question.

332
00:21:13.540 --> 00:21:20.540
Okay, and keep the bio short and sweet.

333
00:21:20.920 --> 00:21:26.200
All right, three, respond if someone catches your attention, even if they don't check all the boxes.

334
00:21:26.720 --> 00:21:37.800
So, like, I will say this, Brian was three and a half, she was like, my new time limit was three hours, mainly because I was in school, and I'm like, I don't have the time to travel more than three hours.

335
00:21:37.800 --> 00:21:41.880
And so, my limit was three hours, and he was three hours and 18 minutes away.

336
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So, I was like, oh, crap.

337
00:21:43.580 --> 00:21:44.560
But you know what?

338
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He had a lot in his profile that I really liked, and so even though he had a really horrible great pick opening line, I liked what he wrote in his bio.

339
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And so, that was just enough reason for me to keep talking to him.

340
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So, respond.

341
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If you're on the fence about responding, always give somebody a chance.

342
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Number four, have your basic questions and answers ready to go.

343
00:22:04.400 --> 00:22:11.120
The same stuff that we seem to ask all the time, and the stuff, if you guys are like, I have no idea what questions to ask.

344
00:22:11.200 --> 00:22:12.980
I'm getting tired of asking the same things.

345
00:22:13.180 --> 00:22:20.660
Have you not noticed in the last couple of single spotlights, we ask really fun questions, and we ask questions that get really good answers.

346
00:22:20.840 --> 00:22:24.380
So, go re-listen to the single spotlights and steal those questions.

347
00:22:24.380 --> 00:22:33.200
They are great first questions because if you notice, those guys and the ladies answered those questions in front of all of you,

348
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potentially over 100 people that could be complete strangers, and they felt pretty good doing it.

349
00:22:37.540 --> 00:22:38.520
So, it's really no different.

350
00:22:38.580 --> 00:22:40.180
So, those are great first questions.

351
00:22:40.360 --> 00:22:47.440
You find out a lot of creative stuff about people without finding out too much of their stuff, if that makes sense.

352
00:22:48.120 --> 00:22:49.920
And if you have them cut and paste it.

353
00:22:49.920 --> 00:22:52.000
Oh, why did the balloons just go up?

354
00:22:52.060 --> 00:22:52.600
Did anybody else see that?

355
00:22:52.600 --> 00:22:59.140
So, if you have those questions and answers already typed up in your task bar or your notes bar,

356
00:22:59.200 --> 00:23:03.800
you can start cutting and pasting them in if you want, or you can have them on your phone so you can cut and paste.

357
00:23:04.120 --> 00:23:06.600
So, if you're like, Renee, I'm so tired of answering the same things.

358
00:23:06.620 --> 00:23:07.080
That's okay.

359
00:23:07.080 --> 00:23:10.160
Then just have some of those answers ready to go.

360
00:23:11.440 --> 00:23:14.600
I don't see old single spotlights in the replays.

361
00:23:17.140 --> 00:23:21.080
I will check with Cheryl on that.

362
00:23:21.080 --> 00:23:24.580
Tim and I will send a message to the guys about where those are saved.

363
00:23:25.860 --> 00:23:26.100
Okay.

364
00:23:27.640 --> 00:23:32.600
Here's what I think are the do's of faith questions right away.

365
00:23:32.660 --> 00:23:34.040
So, mind you, you're still texting.

366
00:23:34.420 --> 00:23:36.040
You've not had a video date with this person.

367
00:23:36.300 --> 00:23:37.400
You've not talked to them on the phone.

368
00:23:37.560 --> 00:23:41.340
So, here's what I think are safe faith questions to ask.

369
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And there are questions you ask and you don't do anything with, and you let it linger,

370
00:23:46.420 --> 00:23:51.900
and you store that information in the back for you to follow up with when you talk to them.

371
00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:55.740
This is not a conversation you're going to keep going if you don't like their answer.

372
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You're not sure about their answer.

373
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So, what do Sundays typically look like for you?

374
00:24:01.800 --> 00:24:03.880
What do Sundays typically look like for you?

375
00:24:05.440 --> 00:24:07.240
Here's what they look like for me.

376
00:24:07.500 --> 00:24:08.380
I go to the gym.

377
00:24:08.600 --> 00:24:09.400
I go to church.

378
00:24:09.800 --> 00:24:11.660
I prep for, you know, school.

379
00:24:11.880 --> 00:24:13.140
I do my meal prep.

380
00:24:13.280 --> 00:24:14.320
I get some laundry done.

381
00:24:14.320 --> 00:24:15.880
What does Sunday look like for you?

382
00:24:15.960 --> 00:24:20.180
If they don't mention going to church, I don't ask them more about it.

383
00:24:20.180 --> 00:24:22.380
I just go, hmm, I tuck that away.

384
00:24:22.900 --> 00:24:23.340
Hmm.

385
00:24:23.340 --> 00:24:26.760
The next question I might ask is this.

386
00:24:26.760 --> 00:24:31.080
When you're going through something difficult, what things do you lean on?

387
00:24:31.260 --> 00:24:34.300
What things or people do you lean on when you're going through something difficult?

388
00:24:34.420 --> 00:24:37.320
Because if you asked me, I would say really good friends.

389
00:24:37.680 --> 00:24:38.720
Sometimes I have a therapist.

390
00:24:39.220 --> 00:24:40.360
Sometimes I pray about it.

391
00:24:40.560 --> 00:24:42.080
Sometimes I might go to my pastor about it.

392
00:24:42.080 --> 00:24:44.280
So, you're going to learn.

393
00:24:44.580 --> 00:24:47.260
If faith is a part of their research, I go pray.

394
00:24:47.760 --> 00:24:48.380
I read scripture.

395
00:24:48.600 --> 00:24:49.720
I listen to worship music.

396
00:24:50.380 --> 00:24:56.120
So, again, if how they get their, how they go through something difficult,

397
00:24:56.120 --> 00:24:59.880
if they don't mention anything faith related, I just go.

398
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:03.260
Hmm, don't do anything with that information.

399
00:25:04.480 --> 00:25:06.100
If they ask me a faith question,

400
00:25:06.100 --> 00:25:09.400
or if I wanna push just a little bit more,

401
00:25:09.680 --> 00:25:11.800
I might go, so tell me,

402
00:25:11.800 --> 00:25:13.740
is faith a part of your everyday life?

403
00:25:14.640 --> 00:25:16.540
Is faith a part of your everyday life?

404
00:25:17.360 --> 00:25:19.540
And if they say, whatever they say

405
00:25:19.540 --> 00:25:21.240
in any of those questions, you guys,

406
00:25:22.000 --> 00:25:25.560
they answer it and I go, hmm, okay.

407
00:25:25.560 --> 00:25:27.340
And I'll just jot to myself,

408
00:25:27.900 --> 00:25:28.880
ask more about this when you're

409
00:25:28.880 --> 00:25:29.940
on the video call with them.

410
00:25:30.260 --> 00:25:32.400
I'm not gonna do this until I can see them,

411
00:25:32.800 --> 00:25:34.220
I can see their body language,

412
00:25:34.280 --> 00:25:35.980
and I can hear their tone and inflection.

413
00:25:36.600 --> 00:25:41.260
I'm not gonna, Lillian, probably,

414
00:25:42.200 --> 00:25:44.720
I could probably get these questions somewhere to y'all.

415
00:25:44.820 --> 00:25:45.860
I could probably do that.

416
00:25:46.620 --> 00:25:48.140
I could probably put together

417
00:25:48.140 --> 00:25:50.440
this little typed up teaching for y'all, too,

418
00:25:50.440 --> 00:25:52.580
in case you wanna have it again.

419
00:25:53.000 --> 00:25:54.680
Okay, so no matter the answer

420
00:25:54.680 --> 00:25:56.480
with the faith questions, I move it along.

421
00:25:57.180 --> 00:25:59.900
To find out if they have the three Ms,

422
00:26:00.120 --> 00:26:01.740
or for the men, the MFM,

423
00:26:01.880 --> 00:26:05.400
because you want us to be mature, feminine,

424
00:26:05.900 --> 00:26:06.780
and marriage-minded,

425
00:26:06.940 --> 00:26:09.480
or the three Ms, masculine, marriage-minded,

426
00:26:10.080 --> 00:26:13.640
here are the typical questions I might text early on.

427
00:26:14.400 --> 00:26:16.480
Where are you at in your dating season?

428
00:26:17.440 --> 00:26:18.660
Are you just getting started?

429
00:26:18.920 --> 00:26:20.080
Have you been in a while?

430
00:26:21.060 --> 00:26:23.120
And I just let that question linger.

431
00:26:23.460 --> 00:26:25.180
Where are you in your dating season?

432
00:26:25.180 --> 00:26:27.460
Because if they, like, I just got divorced,

433
00:26:27.460 --> 00:26:29.940
I just got on here, I'm kind of going,

434
00:26:30.320 --> 00:26:32.580
well, you know what, he might take a while.

435
00:26:32.680 --> 00:26:33.940
Like, he's not gonna be somebody

436
00:26:33.940 --> 00:26:36.420
that's gonna try to, like, rush into a relationship.

437
00:26:36.760 --> 00:26:38.840
But if I get a guy who's like, you know what,

438
00:26:39.140 --> 00:26:40.260
I've been kind of doing this a while,

439
00:26:40.280 --> 00:26:41.820
I'm really just looking for my person.

440
00:26:42.240 --> 00:26:44.560
I'm like, okay, that's somebody I wanna talk to.

441
00:26:44.840 --> 00:26:45.940
Or if somebody says, you know what,

442
00:26:45.960 --> 00:26:47.180
I've been single a while,

443
00:26:47.700 --> 00:26:49.760
golly, I'm really hoping that one day I can get married.

444
00:26:50.060 --> 00:26:51.960
So I pay attention to, again,

445
00:26:51.960 --> 00:26:54.940
these are not questions I do a follow-up with.

446
00:26:55.320 --> 00:26:57.980
I'm just trying to assess where they're at in their dating.

447
00:26:58.580 --> 00:27:01.540
So those are the things I think that are good to do

448
00:27:01.540 --> 00:27:04.220
in those early review texting stage.

449
00:27:04.660 --> 00:27:07.800
Create an engaging profile, include those close-up photos,

450
00:27:08.140 --> 00:27:09.320
be brief in your bio,

451
00:27:09.980 --> 00:27:11.720
respond if someone catches your attention,

452
00:27:12.140 --> 00:27:14.500
have basic questions and answers ready to go.

453
00:27:15.140 --> 00:27:18.260
In those faith questions and in you assessing

454
00:27:18.260 --> 00:27:19.220
where they're at in their dating,

455
00:27:19.780 --> 00:27:21.960
you plop a few questions out there

456
00:27:21.960 --> 00:27:24.860
just to get their answers and you leave it be.

457
00:27:25.760 --> 00:27:26.840
Here's what I don't do.

458
00:27:27.080 --> 00:27:29.100
Here's what you don't do in the texting stage.

459
00:27:29.640 --> 00:27:32.420
You don't try to unpack why they got divorced

460
00:27:32.420 --> 00:27:33.580
or why they're never married.

461
00:27:34.100 --> 00:27:37.220
Guys, you probably don't get this as much as women get this,

462
00:27:37.560 --> 00:27:38.680
but because there's more of us women

463
00:27:38.680 --> 00:27:40.920
that have never been married, I feel like than guys.

464
00:27:41.040 --> 00:27:42.640
And we get this question all the time.

465
00:27:42.700 --> 00:27:43.260
Oh, really?

466
00:27:43.900 --> 00:27:45.360
Why did you never get married?

467
00:27:45.980 --> 00:27:47.620
There's no short answer to that.

468
00:27:47.620 --> 00:27:49.360
There's no shorter answer to that

469
00:27:49.360 --> 00:27:50.640
than why did you get divorced?

470
00:27:51.040 --> 00:27:53.740
And so I don't know you, you're a complete stranger

471
00:27:53.740 --> 00:27:54.920
and I'm not texting you

472
00:27:54.920 --> 00:27:56.940
what I think I know the answer to be true on that.

473
00:27:57.260 --> 00:27:59.800
So I usually just say, you know what?

474
00:27:59.800 --> 00:28:00.900
That's a great question.

475
00:28:01.020 --> 00:28:02.360
It's not a short answer.

476
00:28:02.500 --> 00:28:04.080
I said, here's what I'll say sometimes.

477
00:28:04.600 --> 00:28:08.160
My short answer is sometimes I made great choices,

478
00:28:08.360 --> 00:28:09.180
sometimes I didn't.

479
00:28:09.620 --> 00:28:11.900
Sometimes he made great choices, sometimes he didn't.

480
00:28:12.440 --> 00:28:13.920
Anything else I'd love to tell you about

481
00:28:13.920 --> 00:28:15.840
as we get to know each other longer.

482
00:28:16.200 --> 00:28:17.060
Seriously, that's it.

483
00:28:17.060 --> 00:28:18.980
That became my new answer

484
00:28:19.420 --> 00:28:22.000
because it's such a crazy question.

485
00:28:23.580 --> 00:28:25.220
And then the other question I get,

486
00:28:25.580 --> 00:28:27.420
and don't answer the question,

487
00:28:29.100 --> 00:28:30.460
how's it going for you?

488
00:28:30.540 --> 00:28:31.920
That's the other weird question, people.

489
00:28:32.000 --> 00:28:33.440
So how's this going for you?

490
00:28:33.440 --> 00:28:35.400
Well, I'm still single on here, so I don't know.

491
00:28:35.500 --> 00:28:36.480
Just say, you know what?

492
00:28:36.480 --> 00:28:38.000
I'm meeting some really great people.

493
00:28:39.280 --> 00:28:40.980
Obviously, I have not found my person yet,

494
00:28:40.980 --> 00:28:42.460
but I'm meeting some really great people.

495
00:28:42.780 --> 00:28:43.200
I don't know.

496
00:28:43.340 --> 00:28:44.500
I think sometimes, you guys,

497
00:28:44.620 --> 00:28:46.280
people aren't trying to be creepy or weird

498
00:28:46.280 --> 00:28:47.060
when they ask questions.

499
00:28:47.200 --> 00:28:48.540
I think people just don't know what to do.

500
00:28:48.640 --> 00:28:51.080
Like, I try to give most people the benefit of the doubt.

501
00:28:51.460 --> 00:28:53.340
Okay, here's what I don't,

502
00:28:53.380 --> 00:28:54.440
else what I don't do.

503
00:28:54.500 --> 00:28:55.880
So when someone says to me,

504
00:28:56.140 --> 00:28:57.800
they're divorced or they're widowed,

505
00:28:57.880 --> 00:28:59.060
here's all I ask.

506
00:28:59.600 --> 00:29:01.820
Oh, how long ago did you get divorced?

507
00:29:02.880 --> 00:29:05.500
And they'll say, two years, two months, two days,

508
00:29:05.600 --> 00:29:06.260
whatever it's been.

509
00:29:06.400 --> 00:29:07.660
And I just say, awesome.

510
00:29:07.660 --> 00:29:09.760
Do you feel like you've had an opportunity

511
00:29:10.260 --> 00:29:12.560
to process that with somebody you trust,

512
00:29:12.740 --> 00:29:14.720
whether it's a therapist, a pastor, a best friend?

513
00:29:15.280 --> 00:29:17.380
Do you feel like you've had time to process that?

514
00:29:17.480 --> 00:29:19.320
I do ask that question pretty early.

515
00:29:19.700 --> 00:29:20.140
I do.

516
00:29:20.460 --> 00:29:22.060
Because whether it's been two months, two days,

517
00:29:22.060 --> 00:29:24.620
or two years does not tell me that they've processed it.

518
00:29:24.820 --> 00:29:26.720
And if they're like, yeah, I really have had a chance,

519
00:29:26.740 --> 00:29:27.660
or I did divorce care.

520
00:29:28.000 --> 00:29:29.860
Again, no matter what their answer is, you guys,

521
00:29:29.900 --> 00:29:31.460
I'm not asking follow-up questions.

522
00:29:31.900 --> 00:29:34.760
When I'm throwing questions out at the texting stage,

523
00:29:34.760 --> 00:29:36.340
I'm just gathering data.

524
00:29:37.220 --> 00:29:40.020
I'm learning things I might wanna follow up with

525
00:29:40.180 --> 00:29:42.640
when I go to a video call.

526
00:29:43.480 --> 00:29:47.220
Okay, two, I don't try to unpack faith,

527
00:29:48.040 --> 00:29:49.040
life in great detail.

528
00:29:49.460 --> 00:29:50.600
I already said that to you up front.

529
00:29:51.080 --> 00:29:53.980
I ask some basic questions and I leave it be.

530
00:29:54.320 --> 00:29:55.620
Here's what I'm trying to do, you guys.

531
00:29:55.860 --> 00:29:58.680
I don't know about you, but I did not wanna have a marriage

532
00:29:58.680 --> 00:29:59.980
that included us texting.

533
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:01.320
texting on the phone all day.

534
00:30:01.340 --> 00:30:03.180
I wanna be able to see my partner

535
00:30:03.180 --> 00:30:05.220
and have a conversation face-to-face.

536
00:30:05.320 --> 00:30:09.260
So if I start from the get-go, texting the hard stuff,

537
00:30:09.340 --> 00:30:11.680
then that's how we're gonna learn how to communicate,

538
00:30:11.860 --> 00:30:13.700
and I'm just not doing that.

539
00:30:15.960 --> 00:30:16.660
Let's see.

540
00:30:17.100 --> 00:30:18.660
And you guys, do me a favor,

541
00:30:18.700 --> 00:30:20.600
and I know Jackie always says this too,

542
00:30:21.040 --> 00:30:23.960
try not to give too much advice in the chat,

543
00:30:24.580 --> 00:30:26.760
especially if it's countering what I'm trying to say,

544
00:30:27.180 --> 00:30:29.400
because Jackie wants me to teach some stuff,

545
00:30:29.400 --> 00:30:33.840
and so I will definitely try to answer all your questions,

546
00:30:34.780 --> 00:30:36.660
but if you guys start giving advice,

547
00:30:37.400 --> 00:30:38.620
then you're not paying attention

548
00:30:38.620 --> 00:30:40.060
to the content I'm teaching,

549
00:30:40.260 --> 00:30:42.300
and I'm not sure if I would agree

550
00:30:42.300 --> 00:30:43.860
with all of the advice you're giving.

551
00:30:44.300 --> 00:30:46.260
And I don't know, maybe you're giving great advice,

552
00:30:46.380 --> 00:30:49.500
so I'm just saying it's hard for me to keep up with that.

553
00:30:50.180 --> 00:30:52.460
There will be a chance for you guys to weigh in,

554
00:30:52.540 --> 00:30:54.720
and you guys get to weigh on each other's stuff

555
00:30:54.720 --> 00:30:55.680
all the time in the chat,

556
00:30:55.680 --> 00:30:59.180
so you got me, you got me getting advice from Jackie,

557
00:30:59.380 --> 00:31:01.480
so take advantage of that.

558
00:31:01.640 --> 00:31:03.520
Okay, so don't try to unpack.

559
00:31:03.860 --> 00:31:04.900
Okay, do not discuss.

560
00:31:05.080 --> 00:31:06.840
You guys, I see this in the chat all the time.

561
00:31:06.940 --> 00:31:07.500
Y'all still do it.

562
00:31:07.540 --> 00:31:08.680
I don't know why y'all still do it.

563
00:31:09.100 --> 00:31:11.980
Please do not discuss sex, abstinence,

564
00:31:12.080 --> 00:31:13.740
and the early texting exchange.

565
00:31:13.900 --> 00:31:15.100
Renee, I don't wanna waste my time.

566
00:31:15.740 --> 00:31:18.220
Really, unless you're gonna have sex with this guy or girl,

567
00:31:18.340 --> 00:31:19.780
why are we talking about sex

568
00:31:19.780 --> 00:31:21.220
in the first couple of conversations?

569
00:31:21.480 --> 00:31:23.920
Now, if they bring it up, you can just simply say,

570
00:31:23.920 --> 00:31:25.440
you know what, it is too soon

571
00:31:25.440 --> 00:31:26.680
for us to have that conversation.

572
00:31:27.260 --> 00:31:29.420
It is too soon for us to have that conversation,

573
00:31:29.640 --> 00:31:31.780
because what you're teaching

574
00:31:31.780 --> 00:31:33.960
is how to have boundaries and set boundaries

575
00:31:34.080 --> 00:31:36.340
and see if they're willing to follow the boundaries.

576
00:31:36.460 --> 00:31:38.240
You guys, boundaries is not just physical.

577
00:31:38.560 --> 00:31:41.760
It's about the things that you discuss in your attention,

578
00:31:41.760 --> 00:31:43.460
and there's a lot to do with boundaries,

579
00:31:43.640 --> 00:31:44.940
and it's not just sex,

580
00:31:44.980 --> 00:31:48.160
so do not discuss sex, abstinence, and all that stuff

581
00:31:48.160 --> 00:31:49.460
in the first texting conversation.

582
00:31:49.540 --> 00:31:51.380
This is all relating up to videos.

583
00:31:52.380 --> 00:31:54.800
Okay, and to further that,

584
00:31:55.040 --> 00:31:56.940
do not ask questions about feelings,

585
00:31:57.440 --> 00:31:58.840
beliefs, or anything heavy here.

586
00:31:59.280 --> 00:32:00.460
You wanna get in the practice

587
00:32:00.460 --> 00:32:02.140
of having these conversations live,

588
00:32:02.420 --> 00:32:04.180
ideally when you can see their body language.

589
00:32:04.540 --> 00:32:07.540
You guys know that 80% of communication

590
00:32:07.660 --> 00:32:11.120
is tone and flexion and body language, 80%.

591
00:32:11.520 --> 00:32:15.100
So if we're having these hard conversations by text,

592
00:32:15.200 --> 00:32:18.260
we are missing 80% of the communication.

593
00:32:18.940 --> 00:32:21.400
So we're just guessing and we're creating stories.

594
00:32:21.900 --> 00:32:24.600
No matter what, you guys are coming to the conversation

595
00:32:24.600 --> 00:32:28.220
with a story in your head, men and women.

596
00:32:28.460 --> 00:32:29.800
You're both coming to the conversation

597
00:32:29.800 --> 00:32:30.800
with a story in your head.

598
00:32:30.920 --> 00:32:32.600
You both have believed a narrative

599
00:32:32.760 --> 00:32:35.120
dependent on your past experiences.

600
00:32:35.420 --> 00:32:37.980
So no matter how somebody answers it,

601
00:32:38.060 --> 00:32:41.500
you're gonna have that lens.

602
00:32:41.840 --> 00:32:43.040
You don't come in neutral.

603
00:32:43.200 --> 00:32:45.360
You don't come in any conversation neutral.

604
00:32:45.360 --> 00:32:48.900
There's no topic that you guys are gonna discuss

605
00:32:48.900 --> 00:32:51.320
when you date that you don't already have

606
00:32:51.560 --> 00:32:54.200
some preconceived opinions, thoughts, and beliefs on.

607
00:32:54.440 --> 00:32:56.320
And if you do that on texting,

608
00:32:56.520 --> 00:32:59.620
it's gonna have a really hard time communicating that.

609
00:32:59.660 --> 00:33:00.920
So that's why we don't do that.

610
00:33:00.940 --> 00:33:04.500
So those are the do's and don'ts of level one.

611
00:33:04.580 --> 00:33:06.260
This is just level one.

612
00:33:06.320 --> 00:33:07.460
You're talking to a bunch of strangers.

613
00:33:07.540 --> 00:33:09.000
You're trying to get to the video date.

614
00:33:09.220 --> 00:33:11.060
If Brian were sitting next to me,

615
00:33:11.060 --> 00:33:13.000
he will tell you the number one answer

616
00:33:13.000 --> 00:33:17.180
I started giving him within three text exchanges with him.

617
00:33:17.540 --> 00:33:18.840
That's a great question, Brian.

618
00:33:18.920 --> 00:33:21.280
I'd be happy to answer that on a video with you.

619
00:33:21.640 --> 00:33:24.540
I think it would be much less clunky to do that there.

620
00:33:24.640 --> 00:33:26.320
That's a great question, Brian.

621
00:33:26.620 --> 00:33:30.260
By the third time I said, that's a great question, Brian,

622
00:33:30.380 --> 00:33:33.080
he's like, hey, so I guess we need a book of video date

623
00:33:33.080 --> 00:33:34.800
if I'm gonna learn the rest of this information.

624
00:33:35.220 --> 00:33:37.240
Oh my gosh, a video conversation.

625
00:33:37.320 --> 00:33:38.760
That's a great idea, Brian.

626
00:33:38.780 --> 00:33:39.900
Let's do that.

627
00:33:40.060 --> 00:33:41.560
And so then it's his idea

628
00:33:41.560 --> 00:33:43.440
that we're having this video conversation.

629
00:33:44.080 --> 00:33:45.840
And so that's what you're setting it up.

630
00:33:45.900 --> 00:33:48.640
I wanna help you guys have a healthy relationship,

631
00:33:48.840 --> 00:33:50.320
which means you're gonna be able

632
00:33:50.320 --> 00:33:52.280
to talk to each other in person.

633
00:33:52.620 --> 00:33:54.120
Okay, the video dates.

634
00:33:54.300 --> 00:33:57.280
If you notice, many of you know that I've taught.

635
00:33:57.680 --> 00:33:59.220
Right here, this is a cute little picture.

636
00:33:59.300 --> 00:34:00.980
I make sure I've got a good setting.

637
00:34:01.200 --> 00:34:02.500
The light is on me.

638
00:34:02.600 --> 00:34:05.200
I look cute, at least from my waist up.

639
00:34:05.200 --> 00:34:07.900
I'm in my pajamas, waist down, but you don't know that.

640
00:34:08.500 --> 00:34:11.400
So my goal is always to get to a video date

641
00:34:11.400 --> 00:34:12.520
within a week of texting.

642
00:34:12.880 --> 00:34:15.020
I never last longer than a week of texting.

643
00:34:15.460 --> 00:34:17.780
Unless I'm like out of the country on a mission trip

644
00:34:17.780 --> 00:34:19.739
or there's some extenuating circumstances,

645
00:34:20.020 --> 00:34:21.639
I usually will say to somebody

646
00:34:21.639 --> 00:34:24.440
after three or five days of texting,

647
00:34:24.600 --> 00:34:25.820
like, hey, you know what?

648
00:34:25.820 --> 00:34:26.719
I don't know about you,

649
00:34:26.739 --> 00:34:29.000
but I'm really not looking for any digital friendships

650
00:34:29.000 --> 00:34:30.420
or any digital relationships.

651
00:34:30.620 --> 00:34:33.080
So I'm gonna wanna move quickly to a video

652
00:34:33.080 --> 00:34:35.060
and or a live date as quickly as possible.

653
00:34:35.219 --> 00:34:37.139
If that's something you're interested in, great.

654
00:34:37.239 --> 00:34:38.639
Let me know and let's get that booked.

655
00:34:39.100 --> 00:34:40.460
Otherwise, I wish you the best.

656
00:34:40.460 --> 00:34:41.280
Boom.

657
00:34:41.719 --> 00:34:44.400
That is how direct I am, you guys.

658
00:34:44.480 --> 00:34:46.460
And I probably went on, I don't know,

659
00:34:46.460 --> 00:34:48.679
a hundred video dates in the last few years.

660
00:34:48.739 --> 00:34:51.340
I promise you, guys will move to that

661
00:34:51.340 --> 00:34:54.800
and women will move to that if they are interested enough.

662
00:34:54.900 --> 00:34:56.420
If they are not interested enough

663
00:34:56.420 --> 00:34:59.040
to book a video conversation with you,

664
00:34:59.040 --> 00:34:59.980
then they're not interested.

665
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:05.720
interested enough. They like you, but not enough. They like you, but not enough. We

666
00:35:05.720 --> 00:35:11.420
want them to like you enough to book that video date. That is actually why I don't move

667
00:35:11.420 --> 00:35:15.520
to Google Voice. I know a lot of people like to move to Google Voice. They don't like videos.

668
00:35:15.740 --> 00:35:19.100
They're uncomfortable with videos. Here's the reason why I don't like moving to Google

669
00:35:19.100 --> 00:35:23.200
Voice, because all you're doing is taking the texting conversation to a phone number

670
00:35:23.200 --> 00:35:28.020
that they now have access to you 24-7, and they could be texting you in the morning,

671
00:35:28.020 --> 00:35:33.220
on Sunday afternoon, late at night, and you still have not booked the video date. So some

672
00:35:33.220 --> 00:35:37.780
of you love it. More power to you. I'm not going to tell you not to do it. For me, I

673
00:35:37.780 --> 00:35:41.300
would go to a video date, and then from the video date, I would hand out my cell phone

674
00:35:41.300 --> 00:35:45.240
number. So for me, that's when I would give out my cell phone number. Now, I will tell

675
00:35:45.240 --> 00:35:48.520
you this. I don't know what kind of crazy thing I was smoking when I was talking to

676
00:35:48.520 --> 00:35:51.900
Brian because he was on vacation with his family, and I actually gave him my cell phone

677
00:35:51.900 --> 00:35:56.240
number, and our first date was on FaceTime. I don't know why I didn't do the Zoom thing

678
00:35:56.240 --> 00:36:01.000
with you guys. I was being lax and sloppy in my own rules, and for some reason, I felt

679
00:36:01.000 --> 00:36:04.560
like he was safe enough to give him my phone number, and we FaceTimed, and it was fine,

680
00:36:04.560 --> 00:36:10.240
and look, here we are. So sometimes, here's what I will say. The do's and the don'ts,

681
00:36:10.280 --> 00:36:15.180
you guys, don't be so rigid on the rules that we're giving you here. You know, sometimes

682
00:36:15.180 --> 00:36:19.280
just go with the flow, right? We're just trying to give you some guidelines, but it's not

683
00:36:19.380 --> 00:36:24.840
perfect for every person in every situation. And the other reason why I go live on a video

684
00:36:24.840 --> 00:36:28.680
sooner than later is I want to make sure they are who they say they are. I'm not going

685
00:36:28.680 --> 00:36:33.740
to say, hey, dude, hey, chick, like I need to make sure you're not a scammer, so I need

686
00:36:33.740 --> 00:36:38.820
a video date. No, I don't say that. I say, you know what? I'm a visual learner, and I

687
00:36:38.820 --> 00:36:42.700
love to be able to see people when I'm talking to them, especially when I first get to know

688
00:36:42.700 --> 00:36:48.420
them. I'm big on body language and expression, and especially if you're a quiet person, I

689
00:36:48.420 --> 00:36:51.480
just, my brain doesn't know what to do with the silence when we're on the phone. So if

690
00:36:51.480 --> 00:36:55.940
you don't mind, can we do a video chat first? I know it can be clunky. I know it's awkward,

691
00:36:56.060 --> 00:37:01.180
but can you do it anyway? And I'm learning if they like you enough, they will do it anyway,

692
00:37:01.260 --> 00:37:06.860
even if it's not their preferred method of a video. So that's why I like to do it. Get

693
00:37:06.860 --> 00:37:12.120
to a video date within a week, get to a live date within two to three weeks. If they want

694
00:37:12.120 --> 00:37:15.120
to come to, you know, I've seen this on the post. Somebody's like, well, some guy wanted

695
00:37:15.160 --> 00:37:18.680
to go out with me right away, and we hadn't done a video date. Here's what I've done if

696
00:37:18.680 --> 00:37:23.620
they want to see me right away. Awesome. You want to come to me? I pick a coffee shop.

697
00:37:24.060 --> 00:37:27.460
That's literally a half a mile, a mile away from where I live, but I don't tell them that

698
00:37:27.460 --> 00:37:31.600
I only live a half a mile or a mile away. And I meet them there during the day. No harm,

699
00:37:31.680 --> 00:37:35.440
no foul. So I'm going to make it super easy for me. So if they don't want to do a video

700
00:37:35.460 --> 00:37:38.880
date, because that's weird, and that feels like a resume, and they want to meet me live,

701
00:37:39.040 --> 00:37:44.040
then they got to come to me. That's just kind of the rule of thumb. If they like you enough,

702
00:37:44.040 --> 00:37:48.260
what is my answer here? If they like you enough, they will come to you.

703
00:37:48.840 --> 00:37:54.480
I'm trying to help you guys date efficiently, because we don't want any wishy. I don't want

704
00:37:54.480 --> 00:38:00.820
you wasting time talking to wishy-washy people. All of these suggestions I'm giving you are to

705
00:38:00.820 --> 00:38:07.940
help you to weed people out faster. We want you to pick men and women that are ready to court and be

706
00:38:07.940 --> 00:38:12.440
courted, that are ready to date, that have the time and the capacity. And if they're not willing

707
00:38:12.440 --> 00:38:15.800
to do any of those things, then they're not going to make any effort for you in the relationship,

708
00:38:16.160 --> 00:38:23.880
and move it along. Okay. Keep those first few dates light and airy. Unpack a broad range of

709
00:38:23.880 --> 00:38:29.200
topics about who they are today and where they're going. So that's how you make sure you don't get

710
00:38:29.200 --> 00:38:35.100
into the overshare. So many of us, we're empaths, we're in ministry. We are good at getting people

711
00:38:35.220 --> 00:38:40.320
to vomit their stuff. It makes great for ministry. It's bad for dating. I'm the queen of it. All I

712
00:38:40.320 --> 00:38:43.560
have to do is see a stranger and go, oh my gosh, how are you today? And the next thing you know,

713
00:38:43.580 --> 00:38:47.280
they just share their whole life story with me. So it's great in ministry, it's terrible in dating.

714
00:38:47.400 --> 00:38:52.360
So I've learned how I get away from that as I talk about what's going on in their life today,

715
00:38:53.280 --> 00:38:59.040
where they're going. When you do that, when you stay on the less in the past, you're going to get

716
00:38:59.040 --> 00:39:04.540
less of the trauma and drama that brought them to today. So if you stay focused on today and you

717
00:39:05.780 --> 00:39:16.820
Now I'm going to tell you this one and I broke this rule. So keep the stories brief, keep those

718
00:39:16.920 --> 00:39:23.160
conversations short. So I failed that y'all. Brian and I talked hours right from the get-go. Like

719
00:39:23.160 --> 00:39:28.360
once we had our first FaceTime, it was like two hours long and we managed to talk two hours every

720
00:39:28.360 --> 00:39:33.540
night for like two straight weeks. But I will say this, we never once did the I love you stage. We

721
00:39:33.540 --> 00:39:38.160
never once did the, oh my gosh, where are we going to? Like we literally spent two weeks

722
00:39:38.900 --> 00:39:43.220
unpacking who we are and where we're going. He became my best friend in the first six weeks

723
00:39:43.220 --> 00:39:51.220
that I dated him. Like we kept it not not romantic, but we kept it very, like I found my best friend

724
00:39:51.220 --> 00:39:56.380
in those six weeks. So they weren't romance conversations. They were like, hey, join me

725
00:39:56.380 --> 00:39:59.620
in my world today and learn about where I want to go.

726
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:02.020
and I'm gonna join you in your world today

727
00:40:02.020 --> 00:40:04.440
and I'm gonna find out where you are gonna wanna go.

728
00:40:04.840 --> 00:40:07.480
And so I found my best friend in doing that.

729
00:40:07.800 --> 00:40:12.900
And we stayed away from super romantic questions.

730
00:40:13.160 --> 00:40:15.740
Like, oh my gosh, how do you feel loved?

731
00:40:16.300 --> 00:40:17.480
How do you like to cuddle?

732
00:40:18.260 --> 00:40:19.400
Like, we didn't do that.

733
00:40:19.520 --> 00:40:20.040
We didn't do that.

734
00:40:20.160 --> 00:40:22.120
I really got to know him in those weeks.

735
00:40:22.820 --> 00:40:22.820


736
00:40:24.860 --> 00:40:28.160
So it says, keep the stories about the past brief,

737
00:40:28.160 --> 00:40:30.780
stop with, okay.

738
00:40:31.140 --> 00:40:34.000
So if somebody asks you a question and you're like, wow,

739
00:40:34.000 --> 00:40:35.660
that's about to hit the hornet's nest.

740
00:40:35.760 --> 00:40:39.140
Like if somebody used to ask me about my dad or something

741
00:40:39.140 --> 00:40:41.420
and they're like, that's the hornet's nest.

742
00:40:42.140 --> 00:40:44.200
Learn what you're willing to say at each level.

743
00:40:44.740 --> 00:40:47.460
So if I said something like, or if they said to you like,

744
00:40:47.640 --> 00:40:49.060
I don't know, I'm just gonna make this up.

745
00:40:49.340 --> 00:40:51.200
You know, do you have any daddy issues?

746
00:40:51.360 --> 00:40:52.800
Not that the men would ask that right away,

747
00:40:52.820 --> 00:40:54.580
but just go with me here.

748
00:40:54.980 --> 00:40:57.160
Or what was your relationship like with your dad?

749
00:40:57.840 --> 00:40:59.380
Here's what's safe in the beginning.

750
00:40:59.520 --> 00:40:59.860
You know what?

751
00:40:59.880 --> 00:41:02.240
My relationship with my dad was really complicated

752
00:41:02.240 --> 00:41:04.720
and I'm glad that we put some time

753
00:41:04.720 --> 00:41:06.400
into our final years together.

754
00:41:06.480 --> 00:41:08.160
We were able to have a really good friendship.

755
00:41:09.340 --> 00:41:11.940
That's something I feel really safe talking about

756
00:41:11.940 --> 00:41:12.900
and saying that to any stranger.

757
00:41:13.120 --> 00:41:15.800
As we get further along in that dating process,

758
00:41:15.800 --> 00:41:19.100
I might start to say, you know what?

759
00:41:19.100 --> 00:41:20.540
My dad made so many mistakes,

760
00:41:20.620 --> 00:41:22.580
but he really didn't have the tools to get better

761
00:41:22.580 --> 00:41:23.900
until much later in life.

762
00:41:23.900 --> 00:41:25.140
And you know, it was really hard

763
00:41:25.140 --> 00:41:27.340
and I'm sure it really impacted the choices

764
00:41:27.340 --> 00:41:29.940
that I made in dating and how I dated for many years.

765
00:41:30.540 --> 00:41:31.820
It's a little bit more information.

766
00:41:32.640 --> 00:41:34.480
Then as I go further along in the relationship,

767
00:41:34.600 --> 00:41:37.560
so I want you to think through all of the tough topics

768
00:41:37.560 --> 00:41:39.420
in your life where in the past,

769
00:41:39.600 --> 00:41:40.860
if you started to answer it,

770
00:41:40.860 --> 00:41:42.720
you would start to vomit too much information

771
00:41:42.720 --> 00:41:45.500
and then you have an overshare hangover the next day.

772
00:41:45.700 --> 00:41:49.100
So whether it's your weight, your job, your school,

773
00:41:49.420 --> 00:41:51.200
your divorce, your children,

774
00:41:51.200 --> 00:41:55.440
think of every topic that's kind of heavy in your life

775
00:41:55.560 --> 00:41:57.560
and literally chart it out.

776
00:41:57.880 --> 00:41:59.900
What am I willing to say at this stage,

777
00:42:00.300 --> 00:42:01.760
this stage and this stage?

778
00:42:02.040 --> 00:42:03.760
So if you know ahead of time,

779
00:42:04.080 --> 00:42:07.060
you're not gonna get sucked into the vortex of oversharing.

780
00:42:07.780 --> 00:42:09.980
And that's gonna be how you help

781
00:42:09.980 --> 00:42:11.760
the other person reign it in.

782
00:42:12.080 --> 00:42:13.400
And that's what something, you know,

783
00:42:13.400 --> 00:42:15.480
Brian did really well with me in the beginning

784
00:42:15.480 --> 00:42:17.660
is we learned really quickly.

785
00:42:17.860 --> 00:42:19.720
We both had an issue with our parent,

786
00:42:19.720 --> 00:42:22.520
but we both said for about six weeks,

787
00:42:22.700 --> 00:42:24.680
you know what, that's a really big story.

788
00:42:24.800 --> 00:42:25.860
And if we keep dating,

789
00:42:26.020 --> 00:42:28.040
I promise I'll unpack that story with you.

790
00:42:28.140 --> 00:42:30.960
And I did not find out his story with his mom

791
00:42:30.960 --> 00:42:32.920
until we were eight weeks into the relationship

792
00:42:33.800 --> 00:42:35.440
because it was too big, you guys.

793
00:42:35.500 --> 00:42:36.480
It was really big.

794
00:42:36.920 --> 00:42:38.860
It was even bigger than my issue with my dad.

795
00:42:38.880 --> 00:42:39.740
It was really big.

796
00:42:39.820 --> 00:42:42.020
And I get why he guarded that story.

797
00:42:42.040 --> 00:42:43.700
And I'm glad he guarded that story

798
00:42:43.700 --> 00:42:45.820
because we did not trauma bond in the beginning

799
00:42:45.920 --> 00:42:48.880
because between his mom issues and my dad's issues,

800
00:42:48.880 --> 00:42:50.240
we could have really trauma bonded.

801
00:42:50.840 --> 00:42:52.340
And we did not because we did that.

802
00:42:52.600 --> 00:42:54.820
Okay, so do, I'm sorry, I went way off my list.

803
00:42:55.600 --> 00:42:57.160
Do get to the video dates within a week.

804
00:42:57.700 --> 00:42:59.580
Do get to a live date within two to three weeks.

805
00:43:00.160 --> 00:43:02.200
Do keep the first few conversations live.

806
00:43:03.140 --> 00:43:05.440
Do unpack a broad range of topics

807
00:43:05.520 --> 00:43:07.420
about where they are today, where they're going.

808
00:43:07.940 --> 00:43:11.120
Number five, do keep the stories about the past brief.

809
00:43:12.280 --> 00:43:15.060
Six, look like you're all in for your dates

810
00:43:15.060 --> 00:43:17.860
with your appearance, surroundings, and behavior.

811
00:43:17.860 --> 00:43:19.500
You guys be all in on your dates.

812
00:43:19.720 --> 00:43:21.000
Like be all in on how you look,

813
00:43:21.000 --> 00:43:22.400
how you present about yourself.

814
00:43:22.420 --> 00:43:24.700
If you're doing an online date, don't do it schleppy.

815
00:43:25.180 --> 00:43:26.360
Like guys, it's really funny

816
00:43:26.360 --> 00:43:28.020
because I do a lot of teaching with the guys.

817
00:43:28.380 --> 00:43:31.080
And you guys sometimes pick the darkest room in your house

818
00:43:31.160 --> 00:43:32.480
to get on video camera.

819
00:43:33.000 --> 00:43:35.600
Like take a peek at where you're getting on video camera

820
00:43:35.600 --> 00:43:37.520
and make sure it's got some light and airy

821
00:43:37.520 --> 00:43:38.500
and some life into it.

822
00:43:38.680 --> 00:43:39.800
Maybe it's got a cool picture.

823
00:43:39.820 --> 00:43:42.040
If you guys remember from the single spotlight last week,

824
00:43:42.560 --> 00:43:44.940
David, that guy David was sitting behind that,

825
00:43:44.940 --> 00:43:47.600
in front of that picture, that was amazing.

826
00:43:47.900 --> 00:43:50.700
And he was able to like have a whole conversation about it

827
00:43:50.700 --> 00:43:52.660
because of what was behind him.

828
00:43:53.820 --> 00:43:56.880
Seven, let them know at the end of the date something.

829
00:43:57.180 --> 00:43:58.900
If you never wanna see them again,

830
00:43:59.000 --> 00:44:00.660
you're just gonna simply say,

831
00:44:00.920 --> 00:44:02.100
Kathy, I had a really great time.

832
00:44:02.340 --> 00:44:04.920
I, Kathy, I really enjoyed getting to know you tonight.

833
00:44:05.280 --> 00:44:06.520
It was a pleasure meeting you.

834
00:44:07.420 --> 00:44:09.540
Or, you know, John, you know,

835
00:44:09.600 --> 00:44:11.600
thank you so much for taking the time to meet with me.

836
00:44:11.980 --> 00:44:12.440
Period.

837
00:44:12.640 --> 00:44:13.900
And then you turn and walk away.

838
00:44:14.320 --> 00:44:16.700
If you really liked him and you wanna see him again,

839
00:44:16.800 --> 00:44:17.360
you're gonna be like,

840
00:44:17.540 --> 00:44:19.240
Candace, I really enjoyed myself tonight.

841
00:44:19.260 --> 00:44:20.420
I don't know where you're at,

842
00:44:20.780 --> 00:44:22.560
but I would love to continue to get to know you.

843
00:44:22.580 --> 00:44:24.420
If that's not where you're at, that's okay too.

844
00:44:24.580 --> 00:44:27.080
But I just wanted you to be sure you knew where I was at.

845
00:44:27.300 --> 00:44:28.480
And then you turn and walk away.

846
00:44:28.720 --> 00:44:30.860
So you are letting them know

847
00:44:31.620 --> 00:44:33.740
exactly where you stand with that.

848
00:44:33.900 --> 00:44:36.360
If somebody asks you out on another date

849
00:44:36.360 --> 00:44:37.320
and you're not sure,

850
00:44:37.600 --> 00:44:39.620
you can just be really, you can be totally honest.

851
00:44:39.960 --> 00:44:41.220
You can either say, you know what?

852
00:44:41.220 --> 00:44:42.780
I've really enjoyed getting to know you.

853
00:44:42.780 --> 00:44:45.760
I don't think I wanna continue this further,

854
00:44:46.180 --> 00:44:47.300
but I really appreciate it.

855
00:44:47.300 --> 00:44:48.380
I had a really great time tonight.

856
00:44:48.460 --> 00:44:50.480
It was really nice of you to spend all this time with me.

857
00:44:50.840 --> 00:44:51.920
Or if you're on the fence

858
00:44:51.920 --> 00:44:53.300
and you're not sure you wanna say yes or no,

859
00:44:53.360 --> 00:44:55.680
just say, oh my gosh, thank you so much for asking.

860
00:44:56.140 --> 00:44:58.480
You know, let's just both sleep on it tonight

861
00:44:58.580 --> 00:44:59.980
and see how we both feel in the morning.

862
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.300
and, you know, get back to each other or, you know, let me get back to you on that.

863
00:45:04.400 --> 00:45:06.260
Let me check my schedule and get back to you on it.

864
00:45:06.260 --> 00:45:10.020
So if you feel like you need to let them down in a text message, you can say, Hey, let me

865
00:45:10.020 --> 00:45:10.620
think about that.

866
00:45:10.620 --> 00:45:11.660
Or let me check my schedule.

867
00:45:11.820 --> 00:45:12.420
I'll get back to you.

868
00:45:12.420 --> 00:45:15.360
There's a lot of ways that you can kind of fend it off.

869
00:45:17.460 --> 00:45:18.180
Don't treat...

870
00:45:18.180 --> 00:45:19.120
So here's my three don'ts.

871
00:45:19.160 --> 00:45:20.100
I only have three don'ts.

872
00:45:20.460 --> 00:45:24.340
On the video dates and those first couple of dates, do not treat it like it doesn't

873
00:45:24.340 --> 00:45:24.660
matter.

874
00:45:25.800 --> 00:45:28.360
But two, don't treat it like it's life or death.

875
00:45:28.360 --> 00:45:30.460
You guys, it's just a first video date.

876
00:45:31.080 --> 00:45:31.940
It's just a first date.

877
00:45:32.040 --> 00:45:34.560
Now, I know some of you are like, Renee, I haven't been on a date in 10 years.

878
00:45:34.680 --> 00:45:35.620
It's epic for me.

879
00:45:35.820 --> 00:45:36.960
Like, I get it.

880
00:45:37.500 --> 00:45:38.140
It is.

881
00:45:38.760 --> 00:45:43.660
Sometimes it is when you're getting back on the horse, except don't treat it like it doesn't

882
00:45:43.660 --> 00:45:43.940
matter.

883
00:45:44.060 --> 00:45:46.400
But don't treat it like it's the end all and be all.

884
00:45:46.580 --> 00:45:50.060
It'll be a much better place for you if you can hold your hands a little bit loosely.

885
00:45:51.540 --> 00:45:55.780
Three in that first video date or that first date, do not try to figure out if you want

886
00:45:55.780 --> 00:45:56.320
to marry them.

887
00:45:56.460 --> 00:45:57.260
Please don't.

888
00:45:57.260 --> 00:45:57.840
Please don't.

889
00:45:58.140 --> 00:46:00.560
You're just deciding if you want to go on a second date with them.

890
00:46:00.640 --> 00:46:01.080
That's it.

891
00:46:01.260 --> 00:46:03.000
You're just deciding on the next date.

892
00:46:04.300 --> 00:46:08.340
Okay, you guys, I'm almost done and I can't wait to get to some of your questions that

893
00:46:08.340 --> 00:46:08.720
are in here.

894
00:46:08.820 --> 00:46:10.440
And I am going to slide back in.

895
00:46:10.440 --> 00:46:11.300
Level two dating.

896
00:46:11.480 --> 00:46:12.820
So now you're in level two dating.

897
00:46:12.960 --> 00:46:16.140
You're actually going out on dates with this person, but you're not yet exclusive.

898
00:46:16.440 --> 00:46:18.520
So he might be going out on other dates.

899
00:46:18.760 --> 00:46:20.280
She might be going out on other dates.

900
00:46:20.400 --> 00:46:21.320
We don't know that.

901
00:46:22.060 --> 00:46:24.320
One, there's only three do's.

902
00:46:24.380 --> 00:46:25.400
Do have fun.

903
00:46:25.680 --> 00:46:26.280
Have fun.

904
00:46:26.280 --> 00:46:27.660
You guys try to have fun.

905
00:46:27.740 --> 00:46:30.380
This is discovery dating for a reason.

906
00:46:30.500 --> 00:46:34.820
We want to make sure that you are not treating it like a job.

907
00:46:35.200 --> 00:46:40.360
Pick things to do on the date that you will enjoy whether he or she is a schlep or not.

908
00:46:40.420 --> 00:46:44.520
Like you want to like pick things that you actually want to go do so that your chances

909
00:46:44.520 --> 00:46:49.560
go up that you might actually enjoy yourself, even if this person's not your person.

910
00:46:49.660 --> 00:46:52.460
Because look at all the other amazing people in this community.

911
00:46:52.460 --> 00:46:56.520
That date you just had might be a really great person, but not your person, but you've got

912
00:46:56.520 --> 00:46:59.940
a whole community for you to bring that person to.

913
00:47:00.280 --> 00:47:05.540
Number two, especially this is true if this is long distance or if you met somebody online,

914
00:47:05.940 --> 00:47:06.720
date in community.

915
00:47:06.940 --> 00:47:08.580
You guys do not solo date.

916
00:47:08.820 --> 00:47:10.500
Do not just keep bringing them to your house.

917
00:47:10.940 --> 00:47:15.320
Go out on all these dates, meet his people, meet her people, bring them to your people.

918
00:47:16.540 --> 00:47:21.240
I date, you know, poor Brian talks about how the first eight weeks felt like the Supreme

919
00:47:21.240 --> 00:47:25.220
Court justice confirmation hearings because there was not a weekend that went by that

920
00:47:25.220 --> 00:47:27.460
he didn't meet somebody in my posse.

921
00:47:27.640 --> 00:47:30.300
I found every godly couple that was married 20 plus years.

922
00:47:30.580 --> 00:47:33.540
I didn't care what my bitter divorce friends had to say, really.

923
00:47:33.580 --> 00:47:36.980
I didn't want them to meet Brian because they were just going to be cynical, but all the

924
00:47:36.980 --> 00:47:40.680
happily married people and all my single people that still had hope, those are the people

925
00:47:40.680 --> 00:47:44.480
I wanted to meet with Brian and I was waiting for them to poke holes at him at any given

926
00:47:44.600 --> 00:47:50.600
moment because I really wanted to make sure his character was showing up in everybody

927
00:47:50.600 --> 00:47:53.960
else and not just me because I had like rose-colored glasses on.

928
00:47:55.220 --> 00:48:00.700
Three, and I kind of mentioned this early, know your boundaries when you're dating in

929
00:48:00.700 --> 00:48:01.060
level two.

930
00:48:01.160 --> 00:48:02.860
What are your boundaries on your time?

931
00:48:03.120 --> 00:48:04.720
How much time are you willing to give?

932
00:48:05.200 --> 00:48:09.520
Your schedule, how much you're willing to carve out and change your schedule because

933
00:48:09.520 --> 00:48:10.420
of this person?

934
00:48:11.700 --> 00:48:15.460
And the content information that you're going to give them, kind of like where we're talking

935
00:48:15.460 --> 00:48:19.280
about before, and what are your emotional, spiritual, and physical boundaries?

936
00:48:19.280 --> 00:48:23.120
So a lot of times with boundaries, you guys, we just think it means like, can I make out

937
00:48:23.120 --> 00:48:24.140
with him or her?

938
00:48:24.620 --> 00:48:27.500
Can I, you know, how much physical contact can we have?

939
00:48:27.740 --> 00:48:32.120
But you want to think about your spiritual boundaries, your emotional boundaries, your

940
00:48:32.120 --> 00:48:35.640
time boundaries, your schedule boundaries, all of those boundaries.

941
00:48:35.980 --> 00:48:39.040
Be thinking about them ahead of time in that level two dating.

942
00:48:39.280 --> 00:48:39.900
So do that.

943
00:48:40.940 --> 00:48:41.820
Four don'ts.

944
00:48:41.960 --> 00:48:45.200
Do not declare your undying love in those first four to six weeks.

945
00:48:45.260 --> 00:48:46.100
We did not.

946
00:48:46.420 --> 00:48:49.260
And I'm not saying you should have to follow the way we did it too, but try to reign the

947
00:48:49.260 --> 00:48:49.760
that in.

948
00:48:49.880 --> 00:48:52.840
In the first four to six weeks, continue to get to know them.

949
00:48:53.220 --> 00:48:56.180
If you're feeling the undying love, that's fine.

950
00:48:56.180 --> 00:48:58.860
Just keep it tucked in just a little bit, just a little bit longer.

951
00:49:00.480 --> 00:49:04.140
Number two, do not try to future forecast too much in the first four to six weeks.

952
00:49:04.880 --> 00:49:09.040
Try not to, like Brian and I were super committed to not plan too far out.

953
00:49:09.260 --> 00:49:13.340
Like sometimes, like when we met in like February, we were like, right away, we was like, oh,

954
00:49:13.340 --> 00:49:14.000
what are you doing in July?

955
00:49:14.080 --> 00:49:15.580
Oh, we're not talking about July yet.

956
00:49:15.580 --> 00:49:16.560
That's too far out.

957
00:49:16.560 --> 00:49:20.020
Like, oh my gosh, would you want to come to my niece's wedding with me in September?

958
00:49:20.440 --> 00:49:22.200
Okay, well, we're not future forecasting.

959
00:49:22.520 --> 00:49:26.720
Like so we caught ourselves because it was really easy to be like, oh my gosh, I got

960
00:49:26.720 --> 00:49:27.220
my person.

961
00:49:27.300 --> 00:49:30.680
I got my plus one date for New Year's and Thanksgiving.

962
00:49:30.820 --> 00:49:32.400
And like, it's still February.

963
00:49:33.200 --> 00:49:34.800
So slow the roll.

964
00:49:35.120 --> 00:49:36.940
Like, so try not to future forecast.

965
00:49:37.340 --> 00:49:39.880
Try to stay present when you're in that level two dating.

966
00:49:40.960 --> 00:49:45.420
Be careful of physical intimacy, of course, because we don't recommend you dating more

967
00:49:45.420 --> 00:49:46.220
than one person.

968
00:49:46.220 --> 00:49:51.720
If you are starting to make out with more than one person, we all know that movie because

969
00:49:51.720 --> 00:49:52.420
I said so.

970
00:49:52.740 --> 00:49:55.600
That was the only part about Mandy Moore's character that really made me uncomfortable

971
00:49:55.600 --> 00:49:59.580
was the fact that she was like really intimate with two people at the same time.

972
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:00.800
It would have been one thing

973
00:50:00.800 --> 00:50:02.960
if she was doing level two dating with both of them,

974
00:50:03.000 --> 00:50:03.980
but she was not.

975
00:50:05.180 --> 00:50:07.460
Also, here's what you don't want to do in level two.

976
00:50:07.840 --> 00:50:09.680
Don't use lingo that we use here

977
00:50:09.980 --> 00:50:11.340
and that they don't use out there.

978
00:50:11.400 --> 00:50:13.500
It's kind of like, you know, when you're on church people

979
00:50:13.500 --> 00:50:16.560
and we say things like fellowship and we use terminology,

980
00:50:16.800 --> 00:50:19.620
like even koinonia, breaking bread,

981
00:50:19.760 --> 00:50:22.220
like we use term, we have, we got Christian terms

982
00:50:22.220 --> 00:50:24.100
that like don't make sense the outside world.

983
00:50:24.260 --> 00:50:26.500
Like I'm pretty sure they don't call themselves secular.

984
00:50:27.000 --> 00:50:28.520
We do, we call them secular.

985
00:50:28.520 --> 00:50:29.980
They don't call themselves secular.

986
00:50:30.260 --> 00:50:30.780
No.

987
00:50:30.960 --> 00:50:33.420
Okay, so we don't want to say things like,

988
00:50:33.920 --> 00:50:36.160
well, I'm only doing level two dating with you.

989
00:50:36.200 --> 00:50:38.160
Okay, what the heck is that?

990
00:50:38.900 --> 00:50:41.080
I need to make sure you got the three Ms.

991
00:50:41.660 --> 00:50:44.140
Okay, so like do all the things,

992
00:50:44.360 --> 00:50:47.780
but you guys like don't, like don't use terminology

993
00:50:48.300 --> 00:50:50.900
that's going to scare them away, like whatever.

994
00:50:51.020 --> 00:50:52.760
Now, if they want to start to learn more,

995
00:50:52.900 --> 00:50:54.280
but here's what I used to say to people.

996
00:50:54.280 --> 00:50:57.640
I'm in an online Christian singles discipleship community.

997
00:50:57.640 --> 00:50:58.940
That's what I used to say.

998
00:50:58.940 --> 00:51:00.600
That's what I felt comfortable saying.

999
00:51:01.040 --> 00:51:03.300
Online Christian singles discipleship community.

1000
00:51:03.440 --> 00:51:04.580
That worked for me.

1001
00:51:04.800 --> 00:51:06.380
Saying matchmaking when I was running

1002
00:51:06.380 --> 00:51:08.640
a faith-based nonprofit didn't work for me.

1003
00:51:08.640 --> 00:51:10.500
That works for you, great, go for it.

1004
00:51:10.780 --> 00:51:13.140
Like I'm not saying lie to people, but be honest,

1005
00:51:13.360 --> 00:51:15.840
be as honest as you want to be with people.

1006
00:51:18.360 --> 00:51:20.720
Okay, so are you ready for level three?

1007
00:51:20.800 --> 00:51:23.100
You are, know you're ready for level three

1008
00:51:23.100 --> 00:51:24.900
when you realize you're both on the same page

1009
00:51:24.900 --> 00:51:27.460
and you really want to focus on each other.

1010
00:51:28.120 --> 00:51:30.960
And it looks like you have the same core values, beliefs,

1011
00:51:30.960 --> 00:51:33.080
and you want the same things out of life.

1012
00:51:33.540 --> 00:51:34.900
Do not go to level three

1013
00:51:34.900 --> 00:51:37.120
simply because everybody else around you is,

1014
00:51:37.440 --> 00:51:39.320
or because a lot of time has passed,

1015
00:51:39.440 --> 00:51:40.720
or because you feel pressured.

1016
00:51:41.460 --> 00:51:44.940
And if you absolutely have zero attraction to the person

1017
00:51:45.000 --> 00:51:47.580
and you can't see that in changing at all,

1018
00:51:47.640 --> 00:51:49.420
and you don't look forward to being with them,

1019
00:51:49.520 --> 00:51:51.520
please do not get an exclusive relation with them.

1020
00:51:51.580 --> 00:51:53.700
I'm assuming you're going to get exclusive with them

1021
00:51:53.700 --> 00:51:56.020
because you want to actually spend more time with them.

1022
00:51:57.060 --> 00:51:58.580
Okay, long distance.

1023
00:51:58.640 --> 00:52:00.560
I'm just going to really kind of fly through this

1024
00:52:00.560 --> 00:52:02.140
because I want to be able to answer some questions.

1025
00:52:02.720 --> 00:52:05.320
Long distance, please get to a video date

1026
00:52:05.360 --> 00:52:08.080
as soon as possible because we want to make sure

1027
00:52:08.080 --> 00:52:10.200
that person is who they say they are, right?

1028
00:52:10.940 --> 00:52:13.000
Get to a live date within a few weeks.

1029
00:52:13.040 --> 00:52:14.440
And you guys, sometimes you guys say things

1030
00:52:14.440 --> 00:52:16.780
are long distance and you're like, it's 90 minutes away.

1031
00:52:16.780 --> 00:52:17.900
That is not long distance.

1032
00:52:18.080 --> 00:52:21.560
Like it's inconvenient, but that is not long distance.

1033
00:52:21.620 --> 00:52:23.180
That's like commuter hour.

1034
00:52:23.180 --> 00:52:25.060
Do you realize it could take me an hour

1035
00:52:25.060 --> 00:52:26.740
just to get to downtown Nashville?

1036
00:52:27.120 --> 00:52:30.220
And that's only 20 minutes, technically 20 miles away.

1037
00:52:30.520 --> 00:52:32.580
And so when I think of long distance,

1038
00:52:32.620 --> 00:52:34.740
I think of like at least two hours or more.

1039
00:52:34.760 --> 00:52:36.100
If it's 90 minutes or less,

1040
00:52:36.420 --> 00:52:38.140
that's just, I would call that inconvenient,

1041
00:52:38.380 --> 00:52:40.480
but I would not call that long distance.

1042
00:52:40.560 --> 00:52:42.080
So these are people that you're going to have

1043
00:52:42.080 --> 00:52:44.380
to really book that driving time in there.

1044
00:52:44.660 --> 00:52:47.300
You want to get to a live date within a few weeks.

1045
00:52:47.480 --> 00:52:49.980
Jackie used to say within six dates or six weeks,

1046
00:52:50.080 --> 00:52:51.980
but we've realized the sooner the better.

1047
00:52:51.980 --> 00:52:53.900
The sooner the better on a live date.

1048
00:52:54.080 --> 00:52:55.600
Obviously, if you have to get on a plane,

1049
00:52:55.860 --> 00:52:58.160
you may have to think that through a little bit,

1050
00:52:58.160 --> 00:53:00.240
but I would say, even if you have to get on a plane,

1051
00:53:00.260 --> 00:53:02.000
I would not go longer than three months.

1052
00:53:02.120 --> 00:53:03.800
You guys, please do not go longer.

1053
00:53:03.840 --> 00:53:06.420
And then don't go longer than a month or two

1054
00:53:06.420 --> 00:53:07.480
between live dates.

1055
00:53:07.480 --> 00:53:09.120
When you are doing long distance,

1056
00:53:09.320 --> 00:53:11.420
you need to make sure you know what that person

1057
00:53:11.420 --> 00:53:12.780
is like in real life.

1058
00:53:12.780 --> 00:53:14.820
And you don't want the digital relationship

1059
00:53:14.820 --> 00:53:17.120
to get ahead of the live relationship.

1060
00:53:18.200 --> 00:53:20.540
And so you really want to make sure that you're doing that.

1061
00:53:21.140 --> 00:53:22.720
Take turns on that location.

1062
00:53:23.400 --> 00:53:25.020
Meet halfway, stay connected.

1063
00:53:25.500 --> 00:53:27.620
And if you guys are meeting live on the weekend,

1064
00:53:27.820 --> 00:53:29.800
do not just use texting throughout the week.

1065
00:53:30.700 --> 00:53:32.740
Try to at least book one video call,

1066
00:53:32.960 --> 00:53:36.420
if not one phone call during the week, if not more.

1067
00:53:36.580 --> 00:53:40.120
But don't go from a live visit to just texting all week.

1068
00:53:40.200 --> 00:53:43.340
We want to try to increase your in-person,

1069
00:53:43.680 --> 00:53:45.520
your live conversation with that person.

1070
00:53:46.800 --> 00:53:48.260
Do be safe.

1071
00:53:48.340 --> 00:53:49.340
I want you to be safe.

1072
00:53:49.340 --> 00:53:49.900
So this is made,

1073
00:53:49.940 --> 00:53:52.760
always let folks know where you are and have a backup plan.

1074
00:53:52.860 --> 00:53:54.220
There was a girl in this community

1075
00:53:54.220 --> 00:53:55.660
that was actually dating this guy

1076
00:53:56.220 --> 00:53:58.520
that lived about 20 minutes away from me.

1077
00:53:58.620 --> 00:54:00.540
And I got a frantic phone call from her

1078
00:54:00.540 --> 00:54:02.660
because she booked four days to be with him.

1079
00:54:02.860 --> 00:54:04.720
And I forget, by day or two or three,

1080
00:54:04.720 --> 00:54:06.460
she was ready, like she was already at the airport.

1081
00:54:06.960 --> 00:54:09.560
And I was like, girl, like, I will come get you.

1082
00:54:09.560 --> 00:54:11.120
Like, I went to the airport and picked her up.

1083
00:54:11.120 --> 00:54:13.000
I'm like, you got two more days here.

1084
00:54:13.000 --> 00:54:14.960
You are not going to sit at the airport for two days.

1085
00:54:14.960 --> 00:54:16.140
Like, I'm not letting you do that.

1086
00:54:16.380 --> 00:54:17.800
But I also don't want you to be with somebody

1087
00:54:17.800 --> 00:54:19.160
that you don't feel safe with.

1088
00:54:19.460 --> 00:54:20.800
So when you are going out of town,

1089
00:54:21.080 --> 00:54:24.140
make sure you have an exit strategy if you need one.

1090
00:54:24.880 --> 00:54:25.760
Make sure you got your girls,

1091
00:54:25.860 --> 00:54:27.380
your guys ready to protect you.

1092
00:54:28.460 --> 00:54:30.940
Don't invest too much time online until you meet.

1093
00:54:31.760 --> 00:54:33.840
Keep it at level two until you meet in person.

1094
00:54:35.220 --> 00:54:37.700
Don't just talk and talk and talk and talk, talk, talk, talk,

1095
00:54:37.700 --> 00:54:38.960
because that's not real life.

1096
00:54:38.960 --> 00:54:40.820
So if you're going to do a lot of long distance,

1097
00:54:40.840 --> 00:54:43.580
digital time, make it fun, do board games,

1098
00:54:44.140 --> 00:54:46.980
watch a movie, do cooking together,

1099
00:54:46.980 --> 00:54:49.540
take each other on a walk through your town,

1100
00:54:50.140 --> 00:54:51.980
find other ways to just talk.

1101
00:54:52.660 --> 00:54:55.020
And then also don't let it drag on.

1102
00:54:55.540 --> 00:54:57.140
Long distance dating is not forever.

1103
00:54:57.440 --> 00:54:59.980
Jackie will always say it just flames out really fast.

1104
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:03.440
or it just starts to drag out and people lose steam.

1105
00:55:03.580 --> 00:55:08.020
So you wanna make a long distance live sooner than later.

1106
00:55:08.580 --> 00:55:10.380
Okay, if somebody has a question,

1107
00:55:10.540 --> 00:55:12.280
go ahead and raise your avatar hand

1108
00:55:12.760 --> 00:55:14.980
and I will answer the questions

1109
00:55:14.980 --> 00:55:17.940
while I'm also gonna try to fly back through.

1110
00:55:18.500 --> 00:55:20.840
But if you think you had a really good question,

1111
00:55:21.540 --> 00:55:23.100
feel free to post it right now

1112
00:55:23.100 --> 00:55:24.720
and it'll be probably easier than me

1113
00:55:24.720 --> 00:55:25.840
trying to go all the way back.

1114
00:55:25.880 --> 00:55:27.840
So y'all been chatty, which is good.

1115
00:55:27.840 --> 00:55:28.980
I love that y'all been chatty.

1116
00:55:30.160 --> 00:55:31.240
Is it Wiz Dean?

1117
00:55:32.200 --> 00:55:33.360
I love that.

1118
00:55:33.480 --> 00:55:34.220
Okay, girl, you're up.

1119
00:55:34.300 --> 00:55:34.880
What's your question?

1120
00:55:35.780 --> 00:55:38.860
So I have a level two guy that's coming to visit me

1121
00:55:38.860 --> 00:55:40.020
from out of state this weekend.

1122
00:55:40.760 --> 00:55:43.080
And we've talked for about like a month,

1123
00:55:43.660 --> 00:55:45.000
we're doing video dates.

1124
00:55:45.200 --> 00:55:46.180
So I wanted to ask,

1125
00:55:46.240 --> 00:55:48.800
cause he kind of mentioned some of his past relationships.

1126
00:55:49.140 --> 00:55:51.860
When would it be appropriate to ask about that?

1127
00:55:51.860 --> 00:55:54.380
Mostly because he brought up that he traveled

1128
00:55:54.820 --> 00:55:58.120
with some of his ex-girlfriends before.

1129
00:55:58.180 --> 00:55:59.260
It might've been just one,

1130
00:55:59.820 --> 00:56:00.880
but he did say,

1131
00:56:01.100 --> 00:56:03.540
oh, but I paid for them to have a separate room.

1132
00:56:03.660 --> 00:56:05.720
So that kind of made me like, oh, really?

1133
00:56:06.140 --> 00:56:07.660
So I just kind of am like-

1134
00:56:07.660 --> 00:56:10.480
So he hangs out with his ex-girlfriends after the fact?

1135
00:56:10.760 --> 00:56:11.240
No, no.

1136
00:56:11.240 --> 00:56:14.060
This is like when he was dating them,

1137
00:56:14.260 --> 00:56:15.680
he traveled with them.

1138
00:56:15.680 --> 00:56:16.040
Oh.

1139
00:56:16.560 --> 00:56:17.720
And had like,

1140
00:56:17.720 --> 00:56:21.120
he said that he paid for them to have a separate room.

1141
00:56:21.200 --> 00:56:22.320
They stayed in separate rooms.

1142
00:56:22.420 --> 00:56:22.700
Yeah.

1143
00:56:22.900 --> 00:56:25.260
I do want to kind of know that before proceeding

1144
00:56:25.260 --> 00:56:25.840
cause that's-

1145
00:56:25.840 --> 00:56:26.900
What do you want to know?

1146
00:56:27.740 --> 00:56:28.820
Well, I just want to know like,

1147
00:56:28.980 --> 00:56:29.680
does he,

1148
00:56:30.120 --> 00:56:31.680
did he actually have separate rooms

1149
00:56:31.680 --> 00:56:33.260
or is he just saying that?

1150
00:56:33.640 --> 00:56:35.420
Well, I will say this too.

1151
00:56:37.460 --> 00:56:39.660
What you really want to pay attention to

1152
00:56:39.660 --> 00:56:41.760
is how he wants to date you.

1153
00:56:42.360 --> 00:56:45.120
And so I can say this,

1154
00:56:45.720 --> 00:56:46.900
five years ago,

1155
00:56:46.900 --> 00:56:48.580
the last two people that Brian dated,

1156
00:56:48.840 --> 00:56:49.840
he slept with both those girls

1157
00:56:49.920 --> 00:56:52.780
and he behaved in a way that I would not behave.

1158
00:56:52.980 --> 00:56:54.340
Now he's a different person

1159
00:56:54.340 --> 00:56:56.440
and he dated me completely differently.

1160
00:56:57.360 --> 00:57:00.100
And so what I learned is it was less about,

1161
00:57:00.900 --> 00:57:03.300
is how he was in the past going to be how it is today.

1162
00:57:03.340 --> 00:57:04.640
It's more of,

1163
00:57:05.460 --> 00:57:07.580
will he date the way you want to date today?

1164
00:57:07.720 --> 00:57:10.180
So I would more focus on things like,

1165
00:57:10.420 --> 00:57:11.940
if it comes up in conversation,

1166
00:57:11.960 --> 00:57:12.700
like, you know what?

1167
00:57:13.020 --> 00:57:14.300
In the beginning of us dating,

1168
00:57:14.460 --> 00:57:15.740
even if we had separate rooms,

1169
00:57:15.740 --> 00:57:17.280
I just wouldn't feel comfortable,

1170
00:57:17.460 --> 00:57:19.620
you know, going and traveling together.

1171
00:57:19.620 --> 00:57:21.220
Is that something you'd be okay with?

1172
00:57:21.220 --> 00:57:24.720
So what you're really trying to establish is,

1173
00:57:25.460 --> 00:57:26.380
here's my boundaries.

1174
00:57:27.820 --> 00:57:29.020
How does that fit with you?

1175
00:57:29.440 --> 00:57:30.740
And how does that fit with what you're,

1176
00:57:30.800 --> 00:57:31.660
cause if he says to you,

1177
00:57:31.680 --> 00:57:32.760
well, gosh, that's ridiculous.

1178
00:57:32.760 --> 00:57:34.100
Like, I totally feel like we should be able

1179
00:57:34.160 --> 00:57:36.060
to travel together and get separate rooms.

1180
00:57:36.920 --> 00:57:38.800
And then you're gonna have to pay attention

1181
00:57:38.800 --> 00:57:40.800
to what that sounds like as his,

1182
00:57:41.240 --> 00:57:43.660
as you talk about boundaries and other topics.

1183
00:57:45.180 --> 00:57:47.160
Because again, you want to have a partner

1184
00:57:47.160 --> 00:57:48.560
who's going to want you to feel safe.

1185
00:57:48.580 --> 00:57:50.900
Cause like right away when I first met Brian,

1186
00:57:50.900 --> 00:57:51.740
he was saying something like,

1187
00:57:51.840 --> 00:57:54.060
oh my gosh, this is where my family comes every year.

1188
00:57:54.080 --> 00:57:55.400
And if we're still dating in a year,

1189
00:57:55.400 --> 00:57:57.720
like he said, this is in the first week, y'all.

1190
00:57:57.720 --> 00:57:59.200
I was like, whoa there, bucko.

1191
00:57:59.620 --> 00:58:01.360
Like, A, we've only been talking a week.

1192
00:58:01.420 --> 00:58:02.560
And B, if we're not married,

1193
00:58:02.660 --> 00:58:03.880
I ain't going on no trip with you.

1194
00:58:04.080 --> 00:58:05.920
Like, that's how snotty I was.

1195
00:58:06.260 --> 00:58:09.200
Because, and I just think he got excited in the moment,

1196
00:58:09.220 --> 00:58:11.720
but like, I promise you, as he started to court me,

1197
00:58:11.720 --> 00:58:13.360
he realized there was no way in heck

1198
00:58:13.360 --> 00:58:16.080
I was gonna go on a Florida trip with him.

1199
00:58:16.200 --> 00:58:18.300
And I teased him, I'm like, today,

1200
00:58:18.360 --> 00:58:20.340
some of the stuff that you said in that first week,

1201
00:58:20.340 --> 00:58:23.140
I'm glad God gave me the grace to give you some grace.

1202
00:58:23.340 --> 00:58:24.860
Like, I will say that, you guys.

1203
00:58:24.940 --> 00:58:27.740
And I'm not saying you don't pay attention to yellow flags.

1204
00:58:27.880 --> 00:58:29.440
I'm not saying that, but I'm saying

1205
00:58:29.440 --> 00:58:31.180
there were some slightly dumb things

1206
00:58:31.180 --> 00:58:32.380
he said in the beginning.

1207
00:58:32.740 --> 00:58:34.580
And he also dated non-believers.

1208
00:58:35.000 --> 00:58:38.340
And so I was probably the most serious believer he had dated.

1209
00:58:38.440 --> 00:58:41.020
And so my set, my boundaries were a lot tougher,

1210
00:58:41.320 --> 00:58:43.800
but he was really willing to do those.

1211
00:58:43.800 --> 00:58:45.840
And he ended up being much happier in that.

1212
00:58:45.920 --> 00:58:47.900
So I would say, start to be clear

1213
00:58:47.900 --> 00:58:49.340
about what your boundaries are,

1214
00:58:49.340 --> 00:58:52.800
what's important for you, and see how he honors those.

1215
00:58:53.900 --> 00:58:54.400
Does that help?

1216
00:58:54.940 --> 00:58:56.640
Yes, that's helpful to focus on those.

1217
00:58:57.140 --> 00:58:58.760
Yeah, because otherwise you're gonna get dragged

1218
00:58:58.760 --> 00:59:00.740
into unpacking his past too much.

1219
00:59:00.780 --> 00:59:02.160
And I don't want you to spend your time

1220
00:59:02.160 --> 00:59:05.440
getting to know him today with learning about his past.

1221
00:59:05.680 --> 00:59:07.160
Okay, that's good, thank you.

1222
00:59:07.260 --> 00:59:07.760
You bet, sweetie.

1223
00:59:08.600 --> 00:59:10.800
Oh, Nitin, hello.

1224
00:59:11.340 --> 00:59:12.140
How are you?

1225
00:59:12.460 --> 00:59:14.040
I'm good, how are you?

1226
00:59:14.220 --> 00:59:14.840
Doing well.

1227
00:59:15.020 --> 00:59:15.820
Go way back.

1228
00:59:16.660 --> 00:59:17.660
Quick question.

1229
00:59:18.580 --> 00:59:19.680
Let's just say I'm interested,

1230
00:59:19.880 --> 00:59:23.020
I see a lady on a call on a regular basis

1231
00:59:23.520 --> 00:59:27.140
or on let's just say frequently basis.

1232
00:59:28.160 --> 00:59:30.880
And if I'm interested in them

1233
00:59:30.880 --> 00:59:33.420
that are in part of the LYS community,

1234
00:59:34.360 --> 00:59:37.140
what would be the best way to get in touch with them?

1235
00:59:37.180 --> 00:59:40.720
Because I realized that I can't send every request

1236
00:59:40.720 --> 00:59:43.800
to admin at Jackie because you guys are,

1237
00:59:44.160 --> 00:59:45.500
Jackie and team is busy.

1238
00:59:46.020 --> 00:59:47.720
Okay, so you're trying to find somebody

1239
00:59:47.720 --> 00:59:49.280
in this community to talk to.

1240
00:59:49.700 --> 00:59:51.520
Okay, so I will say this,

1241
00:59:51.540 --> 00:59:54.060
ladies make it really easy for the guys

1242
00:59:54.320 --> 00:59:58.560
that contact your Facebook profile or your Instagram handle

1243
00:59:58.560 --> 00:59:59.840
however you want to receive.

1244
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:03.000
direct message, that's what your Zoom page should look like.

1245
01:00:03.080 --> 01:00:04.800
So mine says Renee Rizzo.

1246
01:00:04.980 --> 01:00:07.440
So if you go to Facebook, you can find Renee Rizzo

1247
01:00:07.520 --> 01:00:09.560
and you can send me a direct message.

1248
01:00:09.820 --> 01:00:12.180
So ladies and gentlemen, if you,

1249
01:00:12.360 --> 01:00:13.980
and so this is true for the men too.

1250
01:00:14.340 --> 01:00:18.100
If you want women to drop you a hanky in the chat box,

1251
01:00:18.100 --> 01:00:20.500
then you need to have your name represent the way.

1252
01:00:20.860 --> 01:00:23.920
If you have the state after your name also is helpful

1253
01:00:23.920 --> 01:00:27.960
because sometimes there's more than one Joe Smith.

1254
01:00:28.800 --> 01:00:31.820
And so if I know that Joe Smith lives in California,

1255
01:00:31.920 --> 01:00:34.620
I've got a chance that I'm gonna message the right person.

1256
01:00:34.800 --> 01:00:37.020
Also make sure your profile photo

1257
01:00:37.020 --> 01:00:39.300
on Facebook looks like you.

1258
01:00:39.460 --> 01:00:41.240
So whether you want somebody to find you

1259
01:00:41.240 --> 01:00:42.500
on Instagram or Facebook,

1260
01:00:43.060 --> 01:00:45.060
make sure your profile photo looks like you

1261
01:00:45.060 --> 01:00:47.840
and make sure your handle matches the handle.

1262
01:00:48.680 --> 01:00:48.960
Okay.

1263
01:00:49.380 --> 01:00:51.200
So if we all start doing that,

1264
01:00:51.340 --> 01:00:52.560
that's gonna make it easier.

1265
01:00:53.080 --> 01:00:55.820
So for people like Nitin who wants to find you

1266
01:00:55.820 --> 01:00:57.040
to actually find you.

1267
01:00:57.580 --> 01:00:59.000
It is a really good question.

1268
01:00:59.120 --> 01:01:00.540
Somebody asked if Brian moved to me.

1269
01:01:00.820 --> 01:01:02.240
So we were three and a half hours away.

1270
01:01:02.240 --> 01:01:03.540
You guys, I will say this.

1271
01:01:03.600 --> 01:01:05.940
I really thought I was gonna have to be the one

1272
01:01:05.940 --> 01:01:08.100
to move to him because he was the one that had a job.

1273
01:01:08.320 --> 01:01:11.280
I was in college, really kind of only working part-time

1274
01:01:11.540 --> 01:01:14.820
but he had already been looking for a job before he met me.

1275
01:01:14.880 --> 01:01:17.640
He'd actually just been offered a Dean position in Virginia.

1276
01:01:17.900 --> 01:01:18.980
Thankfully he did not take that

1277
01:01:18.980 --> 01:01:20.780
because I would have not swiped on Virginia.

1278
01:01:20.860 --> 01:01:21.580
I'm not gonna lie.

1279
01:01:21.680 --> 01:01:22.400
I wouldn't have done it.

1280
01:01:22.400 --> 01:01:26.900
And so he just started honing in more on schools

1281
01:01:26.960 --> 01:01:31.840
in Kentucky, Tennessee, I'm in Nashville and Georgia.

1282
01:01:31.880 --> 01:01:32.840
And I was like, all right, Lord,

1283
01:01:33.020 --> 01:01:34.200
if we're meant to be together,

1284
01:01:34.200 --> 01:01:35.900
then he's gonna get a new position

1285
01:01:35.900 --> 01:01:38.480
in a similar distance or smaller.

1286
01:01:39.060 --> 01:01:40.440
Or if he's out in Nebraska,

1287
01:01:40.620 --> 01:01:42.340
then maybe we weren't meant to be together.

1288
01:01:42.540 --> 01:01:45.240
And this is how God accelerated our relationship.

1289
01:01:46.120 --> 01:01:48.720
I would say within seven weeks of us dating,

1290
01:01:48.820 --> 01:01:50.440
he had only been here three times.

1291
01:01:51.200 --> 01:01:55.280
He got the job in Nashville and he was here within two weeks

1292
01:01:55.280 --> 01:01:58.100
and so that accelerated our relationship for sure.

1293
01:01:58.120 --> 01:02:00.020
If we were still dating long distance,

1294
01:02:00.120 --> 01:02:02.020
I doubt we would be getting married this soon.

1295
01:02:02.300 --> 01:02:04.740
It's only because he was able to move here

1296
01:02:04.740 --> 01:02:08.060
and we were able to spend like every single day together

1297
01:02:08.380 --> 01:02:10.280
and God just continued to do that.

1298
01:02:10.300 --> 01:02:12.560
And that's what Jackie talks about.

1299
01:02:12.580 --> 01:02:14.960
Like she wants you to pace yourself when you're dating.

1300
01:02:15.180 --> 01:02:17.320
So in those, remember in those first eight weeks,

1301
01:02:17.320 --> 01:02:20.400
we built a friendship, we didn't say I love you.

1302
01:02:20.760 --> 01:02:23.020
And then all of a sudden he gets this job here

1303
01:02:23.020 --> 01:02:25.820
and then God just accelerated everything.

1304
01:02:25.900 --> 01:02:28.320
But like every person I met was like,

1305
01:02:28.400 --> 01:02:30.620
oh my gosh, you two are perfect for each other.

1306
01:02:30.800 --> 01:02:33.760
He got the job, he found a place to live.

1307
01:02:34.480 --> 01:02:37.600
His daughter's like best friend from college

1308
01:02:37.600 --> 01:02:40.180
lives in Franklin, 10 minutes away from me.

1309
01:02:40.460 --> 01:02:42.720
One of his family members lives 10 minutes away

1310
01:02:42.720 --> 01:02:43.340
from my mother.

1311
01:02:43.340 --> 01:02:47.360
So like God just started making it all happen

1312
01:02:47.360 --> 01:02:49.040
and that's what accelerated it.

1313
01:02:49.040 --> 01:02:51.700
We didn't accelerate it, God accelerated it,

1314
01:02:51.820 --> 01:02:55.240
but we've built a very safe friendship first.

1315
01:02:56.540 --> 01:02:58.360
Okay, what is the appropriate rate change to be?

1316
01:02:58.400 --> 01:02:58.680
I don't know.

1317
01:02:58.940 --> 01:03:01.200
Does anyone know how speed dating works?

1318
01:03:01.280 --> 01:03:02.600
If you have to list questions waiting.

1319
01:03:03.000 --> 01:03:04.040
Speed dating you guys,

1320
01:03:04.260 --> 01:03:06.540
I mean, there's all different speed dating.

1321
01:03:06.700 --> 01:03:08.080
I love the idea of speed dating.

1322
01:03:08.140 --> 01:03:09.580
I'd be all over the speed dating idea.

1323
01:03:09.860 --> 01:03:12.040
Every speed dating thing does it differently.

1324
01:03:12.040 --> 01:03:13.500
Sometimes you just show up

1325
01:03:13.500 --> 01:03:14.660
and you should have your questions

1326
01:03:14.660 --> 01:03:16.060
ready to go to start asking.

1327
01:03:17.120 --> 01:03:19.500
How long in the dating should we expect the guy to propose

1328
01:03:19.880 --> 01:03:21.180
or reveals intentions?

1329
01:03:21.520 --> 01:03:25.800
Well, golly, I would say it's hard to give a one answer

1330
01:03:25.800 --> 01:03:26.980
on a guy proposing.

1331
01:03:27.320 --> 01:03:30.480
I would say that the phrase that Jackie uses

1332
01:03:30.480 --> 01:03:34.680
is he courting you and is the relationship progressing

1333
01:03:34.720 --> 01:03:35.660
and moving forward?

1334
01:03:36.060 --> 01:03:37.460
That's what you're looking for.

1335
01:03:37.460 --> 01:03:40.480
Is my relationship progressing and moving forward?

1336
01:03:42.040 --> 01:03:44.800
You know, we talked about getting married in May,

1337
01:03:44.860 --> 01:03:47.100
but we didn't get engaged for another three months.

1338
01:03:48.040 --> 01:03:51.040
And so I would just say you wanna be looking

1339
01:03:51.060 --> 01:03:53.180
for that relationship to be growing.

1340
01:03:53.700 --> 01:03:55.620
If you're starting to feel like it's stagnating

1341
01:03:55.620 --> 01:03:57.800
or slowing down, that's a good indication

1342
01:03:57.800 --> 01:04:00.740
that something is wrong.

1343
01:04:01.080 --> 01:04:02.760
Video calls, to do a video call,

1344
01:04:02.800 --> 01:04:04.140
I do not give out my phone number.

1345
01:04:04.480 --> 01:04:06.360
I usually use Zoom for a video call.

1346
01:04:06.520 --> 01:04:08.040
If it's somebody in this community

1347
01:04:08.040 --> 01:04:09.600
and they already know my last name,

1348
01:04:09.600 --> 01:04:11.740
I will do Facebook Messenger video.

1349
01:04:13.860 --> 01:04:15.360
Okay, let's see.

1350
01:04:15.860 --> 01:04:17.280
Have you, I've never thought to ask,

1351
01:04:17.440 --> 01:04:18.480
have you dated non-believers?

1352
01:04:18.700 --> 01:04:19.780
I think that's a great question.

1353
01:04:21.940 --> 01:04:24.940
I don't, Steph, I don't know.

1354
01:04:25.020 --> 01:04:26.740
And of course, allow for explanation.

1355
01:04:27.040 --> 01:04:28.980
I will say, you guys, I don't feel like

1356
01:04:28.980 --> 01:04:31.120
that's a good question in the texting stage.

1357
01:04:31.260 --> 01:04:32.460
Have you dated non-believers?

1358
01:04:33.980 --> 01:04:35.340
I don't think that's a good question.

1359
01:04:35.380 --> 01:04:38.840
I don't know that, I think a lot of people will date people.

1360
01:04:39.620 --> 01:04:42.180
And no offense, but how do you define non-believer?

1361
01:04:42.920 --> 01:04:44.500
Like, depending on your denomination,

1362
01:04:44.780 --> 01:04:46.360
you and he might define that differently.

1363
01:04:47.180 --> 01:04:48.020
Like, you know, if I grew up,

1364
01:04:48.020 --> 01:04:49.600
when I grew up in the Catholic Church, you guys,

1365
01:04:49.680 --> 01:04:51.160
I was a believer and everybody was a believer.

1366
01:04:51.320 --> 01:04:53.700
I didn't know people, like, I didn't grow up in a system

1367
01:04:53.700 --> 01:04:55.360
where there was this like moment

1368
01:04:55.360 --> 01:04:56.520
where I went down to the altar

1369
01:04:56.520 --> 01:04:58.660
and declared Jesus as my Lord and Savior.

1370
01:04:59.080 --> 01:04:59.980
And so, depending on how you define non-believer,

1371
01:04:59.960 --> 01:04:59.960


1372
01:04:59.980 --> 01:04:59.980


1373
01:04:59.980 --> 01:04:59.980


1374
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:01.640
and how people were raised in the church.

1375
01:05:01.760 --> 01:05:03.040
I don't even think they might go.

1376
01:05:03.200 --> 01:05:05.380
Well, of course she was a believer or he was a believer.

1377
01:05:05.540 --> 01:05:07.620
They they checked off the Christian box.

1378
01:05:09.000 --> 01:05:12.900
Like so I get the intention around that question, I just again, you guys,

1379
01:05:13.020 --> 01:05:17.240
when it comes to faith questions like Brian would tell you that I like,

1380
01:05:17.240 --> 01:05:18.880
I thought I had the perfect faith question.

1381
01:05:18.880 --> 01:05:20.160
If you notice, I didn't give it tonight.

1382
01:05:20.360 --> 01:05:24.140
I used to say, tell me, how does faith show up in your life?

1383
01:05:24.140 --> 01:05:25.900
I thought that was a really great way to ask.

1384
01:05:26.140 --> 01:05:27.480
And he is was his answer.

1385
01:05:27.480 --> 01:05:29.400
I don't even know what his answer was the first time.

1386
01:05:29.400 --> 01:05:31.940
Apparently, I asked it on the first video call.

1387
01:05:32.860 --> 01:05:35.940
And apparently in our first day, I didn't like the answer on the first call.

1388
01:05:35.960 --> 01:05:36.820
And I asked it again.

1389
01:05:36.860 --> 01:05:40.420
And he literally said, well, Renee, since you're asking me this question

1390
01:05:40.420 --> 01:05:43.320
for the second time, apparently I didn't answer it correctly the first time.

1391
01:05:43.520 --> 01:05:46.160
And he really didn't know what to do with that question.

1392
01:05:46.340 --> 01:05:47.860
And like, oh, he has a strong faith.

1393
01:05:47.960 --> 01:05:50.160
Some days I feel like his faith is stronger than me.

1394
01:05:50.300 --> 01:05:53.360
But that that question just flummoxed him.

1395
01:05:53.400 --> 01:05:54.600
He didn't know what to do with it.

1396
01:05:54.700 --> 01:05:57.860
So we have to be careful about the faith questions.

1397
01:05:57.860 --> 01:05:59.320
And I know why we do it.

1398
01:05:59.320 --> 01:06:01.520
We want to weed out nonbelievers.

1399
01:06:01.680 --> 01:06:04.280
But you guys trust that the Lord's going to show you.

1400
01:06:04.920 --> 01:06:09.140
I believe that their faith is way more apparent by how they behave.

1401
01:06:09.400 --> 01:06:11.960
And this is for men and women than what they say about their faith,

1402
01:06:12.000 --> 01:06:14.720
because I don't know about y'all, but I've dated plenty of people

1403
01:06:14.720 --> 01:06:19.800
who were elders, deacons on the team, in church, in Bible studies.

1404
01:06:19.800 --> 01:06:20.920
And they were narcissists.

1405
01:06:21.020 --> 01:06:21.800
They were douches.

1406
01:06:21.860 --> 01:06:23.000
They were abusive.

1407
01:06:23.220 --> 01:06:26.540
And so just because he's got all the right faith answers

1408
01:06:26.540 --> 01:06:29.580
does not mean he is walking or she is walking with the Lord.

1409
01:06:29.780 --> 01:06:34.260
So I would just say, ask a couple of faith questions and then just watch.

1410
01:06:35.780 --> 01:06:36.440
Watch their faith.

1411
01:06:37.260 --> 01:06:38.300
Watch how it plays out.

1412
01:06:38.680 --> 01:06:40.680
Again, I don't know who they dated.

1413
01:06:40.920 --> 01:06:41.800
I don't care how they dated.

1414
01:06:41.920 --> 01:06:44.900
I want to know how they're going to treat me in this dating relationship.

1415
01:06:46.580 --> 01:06:48.120
OK, anybody else got a question?

1416
01:06:48.160 --> 01:06:50.740
I'm trying to fly through, but there's so much in here.

1417
01:06:51.300 --> 01:06:53.560
I'm hoping you guys please tell me some of this is like

1418
01:06:53.560 --> 01:06:55.380
I'm with y'all and y'all feel good about it.

1419
01:06:55.380 --> 01:06:58.120
Right. Like I got some nods and people look a little sleepy and tired.

1420
01:06:58.220 --> 01:06:59.960
It's OK. I get it. It's hot.

1421
01:07:01.700 --> 01:07:02.680
OK, anybody else?

1422
01:07:02.780 --> 01:07:04.500
Let's see. Anybody else have any questions?

1423
01:07:04.640 --> 01:07:05.540
OK, we're feeling good.

1424
01:07:05.620 --> 01:07:08.540
I just I wanted to like comment on the things I was seeing

1425
01:07:09.080 --> 01:07:12.000
continually on our Facebook feed, which is a lot of people

1426
01:07:12.000 --> 01:07:14.120
still dating and trying to like dicer.

1427
01:07:14.220 --> 01:07:15.320
I will say this to you, too.

1428
01:07:15.320 --> 01:07:18.640
You guys not once in nine months dating Brian.

1429
01:07:18.640 --> 01:07:20.960
If I had to read a text message and go like,

1430
01:07:21.660 --> 01:07:22.940
I wonder what he was thinking.

1431
01:07:23.580 --> 01:07:24.620
Oh, my gosh. What did he mean?

1432
01:07:24.860 --> 01:07:25.920
Oh, my gosh. I have no idea.

1433
01:07:26.760 --> 01:07:28.800
Not once. Not once.

1434
01:07:29.240 --> 01:07:32.100
If he or she is your person, they are not confusing.

1435
01:07:32.680 --> 01:07:33.600
They are clear.

1436
01:07:34.600 --> 01:07:37.300
You know where they stand all the time,

1437
01:07:37.840 --> 01:07:39.340
even if they have to move slow.

1438
01:07:39.380 --> 01:07:41.120
That's not to mean that they have to move fast.

1439
01:07:41.580 --> 01:07:45.960
But I promise you healthy people to date healthy dating people

1440
01:07:47.960 --> 01:07:49.500
like like I don't text.

1441
01:07:50.660 --> 01:07:51.840
Oh, yeah, I'm not.

1442
01:07:52.040 --> 01:07:55.900
Well, Steph, I mean, you feel free to come on and chat with me more.

1443
01:07:56.060 --> 01:07:59.400
I want to I don't know if I answer what you were trying to get at either.

1444
01:08:00.260 --> 01:08:01.320
But oh, sure.

1445
01:08:01.440 --> 01:08:05.440
I was just you were I was typing that in real time

1446
01:08:05.440 --> 01:08:08.780
when you were talking about how Brian that's his name, right?

1447
01:08:08.940 --> 01:08:13.380
Yeah. Brian had previously dated women who were nonbelievers.

1448
01:08:13.880 --> 01:08:15.720
And I like you have taught.

1449
01:08:15.960 --> 01:08:16.880
I don't do a lot of texting.

1450
01:08:16.880 --> 01:08:19.300
You know, I love your way of saying, look, I'm done texting.

1451
01:08:20.220 --> 01:08:22.120
But I don't do a lot of that either.

1452
01:08:22.200 --> 01:08:24.979
And so when when I was typing that, I was thinking of, oh,

1453
01:08:24.979 --> 01:08:29.340
that's a great question to ask later, like level two or even level three.

1454
01:08:29.720 --> 01:08:31.779
Yeah, perfect. OK, perfect. Yeah.

1455
01:08:31.979 --> 01:08:33.399
And because here's what it does.

1456
01:08:33.460 --> 01:08:37.060
It kind of teaches you a like and how did that work for you?

1457
01:08:37.060 --> 01:08:38.880
Like and also like how did that work for you?

1458
01:08:39.060 --> 01:08:40.620
And I will say this.

1459
01:08:40.760 --> 01:08:42.660
Let's see. Let's see.

1460
01:08:43.160 --> 01:08:44.540
OK. Yeah.

1461
01:08:44.540 --> 01:08:46.180
And by the way, and it's and you are correct.

1462
01:08:46.180 --> 01:08:49.160
You guys like I have to forget, like in Facebook Messenger,

1463
01:08:49.220 --> 01:08:52.500
when somebody messages you and they're not a Facebook friend with yours,

1464
01:08:53.040 --> 01:08:55.640
you have to go to that message request section,

1465
01:08:55.960 --> 01:08:57.700
which is a kind of different section.

1466
01:08:57.880 --> 01:09:00.779
And I have found messages from like six, seven months ago.

1467
01:09:00.779 --> 01:09:03.140
I'm like, oh, and I felt so bad.

1468
01:09:03.260 --> 01:09:06.939
And ladies, I will say this, you guys, if men and women, men,

1469
01:09:06.939 --> 01:09:08.000
this is true for you, too.

1470
01:09:08.279 --> 01:09:10.899
If somebody in this community, I don't want to I mean, I can't speak

1471
01:09:10.899 --> 01:09:13.859
for everybody else, but if somebody in last year's single private messages,

1472
01:09:13.859 --> 01:09:17.640
you at least have the courtesy to respond and say that you're not interested.

1473
01:09:18.000 --> 01:09:19.800
Please don't just ghost them and leave them hanging.

1474
01:09:20.000 --> 01:09:24.120
The very least that we can do in this community with one another is be kind.

1475
01:09:24.680 --> 01:09:27.500
Right. And just say, hey, I really appreciate you reaching out to me.

1476
01:09:27.840 --> 01:09:31.040
I don't really want to pursue anything right now, but I really appreciate it.

1477
01:09:31.080 --> 01:09:33.279
Like there's I mean, does it hurt a little bit?

1478
01:09:33.279 --> 01:09:34.939
Yes. Does it sting a little bit? Yes.

1479
01:09:34.939 --> 01:09:39.880
But, you know, we all know that it's like it feels worse to just not know.

1480
01:09:41.460 --> 01:09:46.340
I'm OK. All right, Crystal, what you got?

1481
01:09:47.660 --> 01:09:51.540
Well, I'm going to piggyback on on this question, because I feel unclear

1482
01:09:52.180 --> 01:09:54.500
and I would I would love clarification.

1483
01:09:54.720 --> 01:09:58.100
Yes. You know, what if I could if I wanted to message someone in the community?

1484
01:09:58.840 --> 01:09:59.880
And I.

1485
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:02.140
from what I understand, I've been here almost a year,

1486
01:10:02.500 --> 01:10:05.620
is that I feel that I would never do that

1487
01:10:05.620 --> 01:10:07.460
because I feel like everything is supposed to go

1488
01:10:07.460 --> 01:10:09.060
through admin somehow or through the,

1489
01:10:09.380 --> 01:10:11.180
the when, you know, when the spotlights, you know,

1490
01:10:11.180 --> 01:10:13.060
you're supposed to email a certain, you know,

1491
01:10:13.060 --> 01:10:15.260
you email your pictures and everything like that.

1492
01:10:15.260 --> 01:10:17.680
So I kind of piggyback on that because I feel,

1493
01:10:18.060 --> 01:10:21.540
you know, I felt like we're not supposed to do that.

1494
01:10:21.660 --> 01:10:24.320
I will say this, when it's the single spotlight,

1495
01:10:25.140 --> 01:10:28.860
I think the preference is for there to be a filter

1496
01:10:28.860 --> 01:10:31.280
probably because when it's a spotlight,

1497
01:10:31.500 --> 01:10:34.740
somebody could get bombarded with like a hundred messages.

1498
01:10:35.460 --> 01:10:37.740
That's really different than me kind of going,

1499
01:10:38.340 --> 01:10:40.280
oh gosh, Cheryl Nelson, man, she's kind of cute.

1500
01:10:40.320 --> 01:10:41.660
Like, I want to get to know Cheryl.

1501
01:10:41.960 --> 01:10:45.240
And so like, I'm going to just privately message her

1502
01:10:45.500 --> 01:10:48.000
and check in on her and she, and you know,

1503
01:10:48.000 --> 01:10:49.700
Cheryl's amazing, but in a given night,

1504
01:10:49.720 --> 01:10:51.820
she might not get bombarded by a hundred people.

1505
01:10:51.860 --> 01:10:54.340
So I think it really, so that was a great question.

1506
01:10:54.360 --> 01:10:57.520
And I think it largely has to do with volume

1507
01:10:58.040 --> 01:10:59.860
and just trying to manage that volume.

1508
01:11:00.840 --> 01:11:02.100
But I will say this, you guys,

1509
01:11:02.260 --> 01:11:04.520
if you private message somebody and they don't respond,

1510
01:11:04.820 --> 01:11:06.940
don't like become a stalker and keep after them.

1511
01:11:07.480 --> 01:11:09.820
And if they didn't bother to message you back,

1512
01:11:09.940 --> 01:11:10.780
then shame on them.

1513
01:11:11.920 --> 01:11:14.580
And let's see, if you haven't dated much,

1514
01:11:14.800 --> 01:11:17.000
how do you answer that for men who might be concerned

1515
01:11:17.000 --> 01:11:19.380
you've never been in a relationship, like for level one?

1516
01:11:19.640 --> 01:11:22.380
Okay, that was probably close to when I was talking about,

1517
01:11:22.500 --> 01:11:23.400
why are you still single?

1518
01:11:23.400 --> 01:11:24.860
Or how come you've never been married?

1519
01:11:25.700 --> 01:11:26.880
Here's what I used to date,

1520
01:11:26.920 --> 01:11:28.780
because this was a question I got.

1521
01:11:29.440 --> 01:11:31.180
Renee, what was your longest relationship?

1522
01:11:31.340 --> 01:11:32.860
Y'all, that answer's not really good.

1523
01:11:35.000 --> 01:11:37.180
Like, I'm a, I'm a, like, I'm either,

1524
01:11:37.300 --> 01:11:39.060
we're going to get married or I'm out of here.

1525
01:11:39.140 --> 01:11:42.400
So I'm a, like, I've never dated anybody longer

1526
01:11:43.300 --> 01:11:46.060
than two years, a year and a half.

1527
01:11:46.140 --> 01:11:48.740
And I mean, because like within a year and a half,

1528
01:11:48.820 --> 01:11:50.840
if we're not getting married, then we're not going anywhere.

1529
01:11:50.960 --> 01:11:52.720
And so I would just, I would break up with them

1530
01:11:52.720 --> 01:11:53.880
or they would break up with me.

1531
01:11:54.440 --> 01:11:56.300
And so usually what I would try to say,

1532
01:11:56.600 --> 01:11:59.720
so this isn't, so I could have been upset

1533
01:11:59.720 --> 01:12:01.220
that Brian had been married twice.

1534
01:12:01.280 --> 01:12:02.840
You guys, that was like my biggest deal breaker.

1535
01:12:02.960 --> 01:12:04.680
I never wanted to be with somebody

1536
01:12:04.680 --> 01:12:06.460
who'd been divorced twice, ever.

1537
01:12:06.760 --> 01:12:08.260
But he could equally say,

1538
01:12:08.440 --> 01:12:10.120
so what was your longest relationship, Renee?

1539
01:12:10.120 --> 01:12:11.320
And I'm like, eh, two years.

1540
01:12:11.360 --> 01:12:13.280
He's like, yeah, I've at least have proven

1541
01:12:13.280 --> 01:12:14.820
that I can stay married.

1542
01:12:14.820 --> 01:12:16.540
And I'm like, fair.

1543
01:12:16.820 --> 01:12:19.300
So the answer I would say to that is, you know what?

1544
01:12:19.320 --> 01:12:20.320
I have actually haven't had

1545
01:12:20.320 --> 01:12:22.580
a lot of long dating relationships,

1546
01:12:22.580 --> 01:12:24.720
but let me show you where I have shown commitment.

1547
01:12:25.380 --> 01:12:27.700
I've had these two friends since I was in high school.

1548
01:12:28.060 --> 01:12:29.440
I've been a part of this church community

1549
01:12:29.440 --> 01:12:30.520
for the last 10 years.

1550
01:12:30.900 --> 01:12:32.720
I stayed at this job for seven years,

1551
01:12:32.880 --> 01:12:34.080
even when things got tough.

1552
01:12:34.240 --> 01:12:37.760
So I actually do have history of being solid

1553
01:12:37.760 --> 01:12:40.460
in a relationship when it's a good and healthy relationship.

1554
01:12:41.260 --> 01:12:44.120
So that's how you can answer that question

1555
01:12:44.220 --> 01:12:45.920
when it doesn't match your date.

1556
01:12:46.220 --> 01:12:49.660
Now, if you have flitted around in every area of your life

1557
01:12:49.660 --> 01:12:50.800
and church and your job,

1558
01:12:50.800 --> 01:12:53.180
then maybe somebody might be afraid

1559
01:12:53.180 --> 01:12:55.000
that you wouldn't wanna jump in.

1560
01:12:55.360 --> 01:12:57.580
Kim, you're up.

1561
01:12:59.320 --> 01:13:01.780
Yes, so what about politics?

1562
01:13:01.980 --> 01:13:03.860
I know Jackie has brought this up

1563
01:13:03.860 --> 01:13:05.140
and you guys have brought it up,

1564
01:13:05.300 --> 01:13:07.300
but I'm talking to a guy,

1565
01:13:08.300 --> 01:13:10.580
everything is just great about him,

1566
01:13:12.140 --> 01:13:14.260
but we're on different parties

1567
01:13:14.260 --> 01:13:16.820
and he'd made a comment about what he believed in

1568
01:13:17.540 --> 01:13:19.480
and ooh, I don't know.

1569
01:13:19.480 --> 01:13:21.400
I don't wanna make a judgment just yet.

1570
01:13:22.200 --> 01:13:25.200
Yeah, I mean, I will say that's a great question, Kim,

1571
01:13:25.240 --> 01:13:26.020
and I will say this,

1572
01:13:26.180 --> 01:13:29.420
it really depends on how passionate you both feel

1573
01:13:29.420 --> 01:13:30.420
about the politics.

1574
01:13:31.660 --> 01:13:36.280
So I come from a very conservative background,

1575
01:13:36.500 --> 01:13:38.920
but I'm very fiscally conservative,

1576
01:13:39.100 --> 01:13:41.020
but I'm probably more socially liberal

1577
01:13:41.020 --> 01:13:42.920
than most of my conservative friends.

1578
01:13:43.040 --> 01:13:45.520
So that kind of gets me somewhere stuck

1579
01:13:45.520 --> 01:13:46.840
on the parties right now.

1580
01:13:46.840 --> 01:13:51.200
And so I have tended to lean towards men

1581
01:13:51.700 --> 01:13:54.900
who weren't so politically charged

1582
01:13:55.660 --> 01:13:57.700
and they were more open.

1583
01:13:57.800 --> 01:14:00.160
And so one of the things I actually liked about Brian

1584
01:14:00.160 --> 01:14:01.640
is that he's like,

1585
01:14:01.820 --> 01:14:04.080
eh, this is kind of how I felt after the last election,

1586
01:14:04.260 --> 01:14:05.400
this is what I did.

1587
01:14:05.540 --> 01:14:07.240
I kind of see this and I kind of,

1588
01:14:07.320 --> 01:14:10.040
so he sounded as caught in the middle as I did.

1589
01:14:10.100 --> 01:14:12.740
And we both weren't passionate enough about it

1590
01:14:12.740 --> 01:14:14.900
that I thought even if we voted differently

1591
01:14:14.900 --> 01:14:16.380
at any given election,

1592
01:14:16.820 --> 01:14:18.800
that we could both honor that space.

1593
01:14:19.080 --> 01:14:22.720
If I saw somebody was a diehard Trump person

1594
01:14:22.720 --> 01:14:24.400
or a diehard liberal,

1595
01:14:24.560 --> 01:14:27.560
that person was probably not gonna wanna be matched with me

1596
01:14:27.560 --> 01:14:29.680
because we were probably gonna be at odds

1597
01:14:29.680 --> 01:14:32.120
on some really core issues for me.

1598
01:14:32.860 --> 01:14:34.840
So that's what I tended to do.

1599
01:14:35.080 --> 01:14:38.960
So Kim, I don't know how tightly you are around politics

1600
01:14:38.960 --> 01:14:40.580
and or the person you're dating.

1601
01:14:40.660 --> 01:14:43.460
So I would say if you're both tightly convinced

1602
01:14:43.460 --> 01:14:45.600
about a party,

1603
01:14:46.320 --> 01:14:48.660
then if it's not the same one, it's gonna be a problem.

1604
01:14:49.120 --> 01:14:51.180
If you're both a little loosey goose on it,

1605
01:14:51.260 --> 01:14:52.860
then it's probably not gonna be a problem.

1606
01:14:53.200 --> 01:14:53.760
Does that help?

1607
01:14:54.240 --> 01:14:54.860
Yeah, it does.

1608
01:14:54.900 --> 01:14:56.820
We're both loosey goose, so.

1609
01:14:57.020 --> 01:14:58.820
Then I would say let it ride for now.

1610
01:14:59.120 --> 01:14:59.500
Okay.

1611
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:02.120
Thank you, Cheryl.

1612
01:15:03.340 --> 01:15:08.200
Hey, Renee, I was first of all I'm super excited for you, congratulations.

1613
01:15:09.300 --> 01:15:21.360
And I also wanted to ask if you could expand on your comment about how you always felt like it was clear or you weren't confused. And if you're confused that's not a good thing.

1614
01:15:21.360 --> 01:15:36.200
So could you share a little bit more about that. Yeah, so he brought it so one inch actually Jackie just posted about this on Instagram, because she was saying like an avoidant personality, they would, they will fluctuate from being really super

1615
01:15:36.200 --> 01:15:46.960
attentive, very flirty, and then they would pull back the next day, and all of a sudden they would need some time and they weren't available. And so they were there was like this push pull.

1616
01:15:47.000 --> 01:16:01.580
It's like one minute they seem really into you, then the next minute they're not really into you. And so, well, when I, when I, and I'm so glad you asked that so that where it's like the behavior is being inconsistent, and it's not being consistent

1617
01:16:01.580 --> 01:16:12.120
so you're like, well, wait a second. Last week I thought that person really liked me they were calling me three times a day they were texting me, and now I'm getting these kind of sporadic texts and I don't know what to, I don't know what to make of this.

1618
01:16:12.600 --> 01:16:25.900
That's what I would call confusion and you're probably not crazy. Usually, if especially women are intuitions really kind of interesting and I know sometimes our intuition but when it's trauma based and there's harm.

1619
01:16:25.900 --> 01:16:36.180
We can become cynical, but I would say, usually the facts kind of speak for themselves and I'm a big fan of truth is always on the side of time, truth is on the side of time.

1620
01:16:36.360 --> 01:16:46.480
And so if you're ever not sure about if someone's liking you enough, then watch, pay attention over time, you will start to see it like everybody can have a bad day.

1621
01:16:46.480 --> 01:17:05.800
So I'm not saying that you don't talk like if a guy doesn't talk to you for a day or he got some big, he lost a big promotion at work he's allowed to have a moody day she's allowed to have a moody day so I'm not saying that, but I'm saying if in general over time you feel like you're going forward then it's going back and he seems so into you now you're not sure if he even likes you.

1622
01:17:05.800 --> 01:17:20.060
Like that has a lot more confusion. And so there were, and I will say Brian was literally the first person I don't think I've ever dated, it just progressed a little bit more every day.

1623
01:17:20.060 --> 01:17:29.240
There were maybe one or two moments I had my old trigger panic hit and I'm like, and I had some faithful friends in this community that are like, all right, Renee.

1624
01:17:29.240 --> 01:17:44.340
What's true, like, what's true going on right here. I know you're feeling all that but what's, what's the true story behind that and so I kind of let it ride for a day and then it kind of leveled out so that's a little different than their behavior flip flopping some classy.

1625
01:17:44.580 --> 01:17:46.020
Does that answer the question.

1626
01:17:48.100 --> 01:17:54.600
Yeah, thank you so much. That's really helpful. You bet. I appreciate that.

1627
01:17:58.740 --> 01:18:00.160
You guys, somebody.

1628
01:18:01.380 --> 01:18:07.200
Leslie you brought up a really good point about dating, and somebody else put this in their, their post.

1629
01:18:09.280 --> 01:18:20.420
You will make time for the right things in your life right Jackie always says that like Brian was working three jobs, when he met me, and he's, I was like dude how are you can even find time to date me.

1630
01:18:20.420 --> 01:18:30.540
He's like I'm gonna have to be intentional. I mean and I'm working. I'm like working like I don't know three jobs like I'm working this stuff I'm doing some chaplain work, I'm going to school.

1631
01:18:30.820 --> 01:18:42.440
And so like I don't have a lot of disposable time either but I have committed that I'm willing to give a certain amount of time to dating and build this relationship because I've actually heard people say I don't have time to date but I really want to be married.

1632
01:18:47.340 --> 01:19:00.900
You can't do that, because marriage takes time and so if you don't have time to invest today, you don't have time to invest in the marriage. Now not everybody needs a lot of time like, you know, quantity time is not my love language, I don't need a lot of time.

1633
01:19:01.020 --> 01:19:12.420
So like when Brian goes on a business trip for three days I'm like, like, I'm good I got three days back like y'all I'm like, I've been single my whole life so he's way more prepared to be married than me I'm a little traumatized about the 24 seven aspect.

1634
01:19:12.420 --> 01:19:20.360
Like, I'm like, Okay, can we just agree that I don't have to pee in front of you I've been doing alone for this long. I don't need to start learning how to do it.

1635
01:19:21.720 --> 01:19:38.640
And he just kind of laughed at that. But, so, as a single parent whatever your thing is that strapping your time. Just give the time you have the person who is right for you will accept that amount of time until you can grow that time.

1636
01:19:39.100 --> 01:19:47.760
So Brian knew I didn't have a lot of time to give me but he was willing to use the time, I was able to. So if you're a single mom or you're working two jobs.

1637
01:19:48.460 --> 01:19:58.060
Know what your limits are, and just be really honest about that up front like hey you know what I've got two kids. I'm only gonna ever be able to see you every other Saturday night, and on Wednesdays.

1638
01:19:58.280 --> 01:19:59.980
And if that's not a good enough schedule.

1639
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:04.420
for you. I totally respect that. And I need somebody who can honor that. All right. I'm

1640
01:20:04.420 --> 01:20:08.240
going to take the last two people and then I'm going to wind us down. Ana.

1641
01:20:09.460 --> 01:20:18.380
Hi. I have a question. I'm struggling a lot. Just in general, like a lot of, I feel like

1642
01:20:18.380 --> 01:20:25.700
everything in my life is going sideways right now. And I'm debating if I need to take a step

1643
01:20:25.700 --> 01:20:30.340
back or if this is the time that I should be leaning in. And I'm wondering what your advice

1644
01:20:30.340 --> 01:20:42.480
is on that. I would say lean in with the capacity that you have to give. So in January, I did not

1645
01:20:42.480 --> 01:20:49.340
have, I had quit one gig and I had like no job. And I was like, oh my gosh, I don't feel good

1646
01:20:49.340 --> 01:20:53.700
about myself. Like I was just in a season where I'm like, oh my gosh, I don't think I have anything

1647
01:20:53.700 --> 01:20:59.600
to give. So I was like, all right, well, I don't want to just give up dating altogether. So what

1648
01:20:59.600 --> 01:21:05.960
can I make time for? What am I willing to put in for? And that's all I put in. Like that's the

1649
01:21:05.960 --> 01:21:10.860
amount of time I was willing to put in. And so I would just say, pray about it. Pray what kind

1650
01:21:10.860 --> 01:21:17.060
of capacity you do have to give. If you're like Renee, I got no capacity. Like there's nothing

1651
01:21:17.060 --> 01:21:22.840
left in the tank. Like every place I show up, I'm sad, I'm depressed, I'm exhausted, I'm anxious,

1652
01:21:22.840 --> 01:21:28.400
I'm fearful. Then I would say, take an undetermined amount of time and get recharged.

1653
01:21:29.360 --> 01:21:34.000
And even if you just saying that, like you're like, I'm just going to take this weekend and

1654
01:21:34.000 --> 01:21:38.580
take care of me. I'm going to get some stuff going again. You might find that just giving yourself

1655
01:21:39.300 --> 01:21:43.860
permission to do that is enough. And you don't have to say like, all right, I'm going to not

1656
01:21:43.860 --> 01:21:48.260
date for the next six months. Don't, don't do that to yourself. You can just say, I'm not going to

1657
01:21:48.260 --> 01:21:53.680
today. I'm not going to date this week. Like this week, let me look at my calendar for the week.

1658
01:21:54.160 --> 01:21:57.560
I don't have time to get online this week. I'm not going to do it. I don't have time to go to

1659
01:21:57.560 --> 01:22:01.560
a meetup group this week. I'm not going to do it. And give yourself the grace that it's okay.

1660
01:22:01.800 --> 01:22:07.440
Like, I think sometimes we think we have to put ourselves in a timeout for like this really long

1661
01:22:07.440 --> 01:22:12.020
period of time. And we have to announce that timeout to everybody. You don't have to announce

1662
01:22:12.020 --> 01:22:17.220
it. Like, and you can decide every day and you can change your mind. Like, you know, I'm actually

1663
01:22:17.220 --> 01:22:22.080
feeling really good today. So I would say, be willing to be open. But if you're finding that

1664
01:22:22.080 --> 01:22:26.460
on dates, like you're falling asleep on dates and you're about to cry on dates, maybe not book the

1665
01:22:26.460 --> 01:22:33.040
dates. You know what I'm saying? So I would start to lean into your body and see, but on a, if you

1666
01:22:33.040 --> 01:22:39.000
are not putting dating in your path, I'm hoping and praying that you put something in your schedule

1667
01:22:39.140 --> 01:22:47.200
that gives you peace, that gives you joy, that makes you smile. I don't care what it is. I don't

1668
01:22:47.200 --> 01:22:54.260
know. Oh my gosh. Simon Sinek just did a TED talk about eight minutes. Like there's something like

1669
01:22:54.320 --> 01:22:58.860
we only need eight minutes of somebody's undivided attention to feel better,

1670
01:22:59.620 --> 01:23:04.020
eight minutes. And so her and I kind of came to this agreement that if either one of us texted

1671
01:23:04.020 --> 01:23:09.320
each other eight minutes, we were about to fall apart and we needed undivided attention for eight

1672
01:23:09.320 --> 01:23:13.960
minutes. And so that's what I would say to you is make sure that at least eight minutes a day,

1673
01:23:14.520 --> 01:23:20.440
you're getting joy back in your soul, whatever that is. Okay. Yeah. I think I'm, I'm struggling

1674
01:23:20.440 --> 01:23:25.640
a bit with, um, I've been having a hard time with the apps. And so I've been trying to do a lot of

1675
01:23:25.640 --> 01:23:31.160
in-person things, uh, like speed dating, um, you know, lock and key events, like other like

1676
01:23:32.020 --> 01:23:36.240
singles group type things. And, uh, just the past couple of times it's been

1677
01:23:36.900 --> 01:23:42.660
really disappointing. Um, and, uh, just, it seems like my age has been coming up a lot as,

1678
01:23:42.660 --> 01:23:51.920
as a deterrent, uh, just turn 44. Okay. Well, you don't look 44. I know. I know. And you know

1679
01:23:51.920 --> 01:23:55.800
what? So here's what, here's the advice I gave somebody that I was privately coaching. I said,

1680
01:23:55.820 --> 01:24:00.500
you know what, for the next 60 days, I only want you to book things that give you joy

1681
01:24:01.060 --> 01:24:05.740
that, you know, we're going to give you joy for the next 60 days. Just pick joy things,

1682
01:24:05.920 --> 01:24:10.660
whether it's go to the zoo, whether it's go to a dance class, a paint class, go hike.

1683
01:24:10.660 --> 01:24:16.200
Like I want you finding. And so I would say that to you, like take the next 30 days

1684
01:24:16.420 --> 01:24:23.020
and find your joy again. Only say yes to activities that are a hell yes. Okay. Um,

1685
01:24:23.020 --> 01:24:26.980
I don't care what they are. I don't care if you don't meet anybody because you need to bring joy

1686
01:24:26.980 --> 01:24:33.000
back in your soul. Okay. Awesome. Thank you. That's sweet. All right. Was there any last one

1687
01:24:33.000 --> 01:24:39.280
before I close in prayer? I hope y'all felt like you got something out of tonight. Um, let's see.

1688
01:24:40.100 --> 01:24:45.840
Yes, I am doing one-on-one counseling. You guys, I'm on the, I'm on the coaching page. Um, yes.

1689
01:24:46.440 --> 01:24:51.020
Coach with me so I can get rid of my chaplain gig. No, I love being a chaplain. It's just,

1690
01:24:51.460 --> 01:24:59.980
it's a lot of traveling. Um, yeah, I'm so excited. You guys, I'm excited to be.

1691
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:06.440
Back here because I definitely feel like on the other side, you know, how Jackie always says hurt in relationship healed in relationship

1692
01:25:06.440 --> 01:25:13.500
It's so true. Like my perspective is really shifted in the last year. Um, and

1693
01:25:14.360 --> 01:25:17.240
And you know how she always says to that

1694
01:25:17.240 --> 01:25:21.540
sometimes the person you end up with is nothing like the person he thought you would end up with and

1695
01:25:21.540 --> 01:25:22.140
It's really funny

1696
01:25:22.140 --> 01:25:26.800
I thought that meant that we would end up with somebody who doesn't look like what we thought it would look like or he doesn't

1697
01:25:26.800 --> 01:25:32.880
Of the career that we thought Brian actually looks exactly like the person I would have dated and he actually has a career that I

1698
01:25:32.880 --> 01:25:34.760
would have picked but um

1699
01:25:35.640 --> 01:25:42.540
My love for him looks very different than I thought it was gonna look like it's not platonic love. I

1700
01:25:42.540 --> 01:25:46.240
Do love him and I am very excited to consummate the marriage

1701
01:25:46.680 --> 01:25:47.200
however

1702
01:25:47.920 --> 01:25:53.220
It's a different kind of attraction. That's the only thing I can tell you is like he is my best friend

1703
01:25:53.220 --> 01:25:56.840
He is my fuzzy slippers. And so that's what's different

1704
01:25:56.900 --> 01:26:03.740
Like I thought I would feel like, you know that that chemistry that like rally or I gotta have you right now kind of chemistry

1705
01:26:04.020 --> 01:26:05.920
Thing like it's not like that

1706
01:26:06.020 --> 01:26:11.400
That's what's not like what I thought it would be but it is so much better in a completely different way

1707
01:26:11.480 --> 01:26:17.820
So when Jackie says to you it might not look like how you think it looks like it doesn't mean that here that you are

1708
01:26:17.820 --> 01:26:22.580
Gonna have to marry the person you're not at physically attracted to God's not gonna do that to you

1709
01:26:22.580 --> 01:26:27.360
He's not gonna make you make you like somebody that's not gonna do that to you

1710
01:26:27.360 --> 01:26:30.460
he's gonna give you somebody you're like, oh my gosh, I get to choose this and

1711
01:26:32.000 --> 01:26:35.260
We are Brian and I are making each other better every single day

1712
01:26:35.480 --> 01:26:40.540
And if you're coming to the five-year anniversary party in October six days after we get married y'all

1713
01:26:40.540 --> 01:26:42.520
We will be in Austin with the team

1714
01:26:42.740 --> 01:26:47.160
Celebrating at the five-year anniversary because we're not doing our honeymoon until I'm on my winter breaks

1715
01:26:47.160 --> 01:26:50.760
I was like if we do our honeymoon in October y'all I'm bringing school books with me

1716
01:26:50.760 --> 01:26:53.640
I'm pretty sure you don't want that to happen. So he's like, yeah, let's postpone that

1717
01:26:54.820 --> 01:26:59.220
So I will be looking forward to that. All right, I'm gonna pray us out cuz I don't want to go past 90 minutes father

1718
01:26:59.220 --> 01:27:02.140
God, I just thank you so much for being with every single person here

1719
01:27:02.380 --> 01:27:08.120
I know I speed a lot of information father God the stuff that was supposed to land in people's hearts. Let it land

1720
01:27:09.240 --> 01:27:14.680
Stuff that was just too much or not good for them because not all my advice is good for everybody father

1721
01:27:14.680 --> 01:27:18.180
God just have it go away from their brain and have them forget it father

1722
01:27:18.180 --> 01:27:23.860
God in any area of dating or life that each person has them. I want you to speak to them right now

1723
01:27:23.860 --> 01:27:28.540
I want you to remind them and show them how much they're loved and valued and affirmed

1724
01:27:28.600 --> 01:27:31.780
Just because you created them and you say who they are

1725
01:27:31.780 --> 01:27:34.820
We don't say who they are and the dates don't say who they are

1726
01:27:34.820 --> 01:27:39.260
so father God, let us go to sleep tonight with a review with a renewed sense of

1727
01:27:40.680 --> 01:27:46.780
identity that we are sons and daughters of the king that we are chosen that we are adopted into an air like we are

1728
01:27:46.780 --> 01:27:51.840
Heirs to the kingdom and that whoever God brings to us is just icing on the cake

1729
01:27:51.840 --> 01:27:56.500
And so father give us peace in that in this as we patiently wait father

1730
01:27:56.500 --> 01:28:03.080
God even knowing that sometimes it can get frustrating and we are thankful for Jackie and David as for a special blessing on them right now

1731
01:28:03.120 --> 01:28:08.700
That you bless them abundantly for holding this sacred space that y'all is so unique

1732
01:28:08.700 --> 01:28:14.400
and we are so thankful for this sacred space that we get to do our single season with and we just lift all of this

1733
01:28:14.400 --> 01:28:16.920
Up in the mighty and precious name of Jesus. Amen