WEBVTT

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Hey, happy Thursday, everyone.

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It's so good to be here tonight.

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I'm excited to unpack some of this stuff that God's been just showing me in our community.

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Some people, not everyone, but some people struggling with this dynamic that I'm going

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to talk about tonight.

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But even as I was preparing it, I just want to say, I think a lot of people have different

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aspects of this that they might struggle with from time to time.

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And so I hope tonight is a blessing to you.

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I've been praying for you all, and I'm super excited to dive in.

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So I'm going to pray and just get us started so we can jump into heartwork seats at the

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end.

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So if you do have a heartwork question, it doesn't have to pertain to the content, but

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some of you might want to get into the heartwork seat after you hear the content tonight as

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well.

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So I just want to open that part in a little while.

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It'll be a little while, but just so you know, it doesn't have to be a question about the

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content.

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But if you do have a question about the content, that's great as well.

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All right.

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So Father, we just thank you for this night.

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We thank you for just the truth that you bring into every situation, God, that you sent Jesus

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to be the way, the truth, and the life for us.

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I thank you that there is no other way to heaven except through him.

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And I thank you that you would help us to have a deeper revelation of his love, of the

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victory that he died to give us.

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God, we thank you that you would help us to, God, first and foremost, see you as God the

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father in a correct lens with a correct heart filter.

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God, I pray that if anyone here or watching the replay just really still has a disconnect

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in any way with you, God is their good father who gives good gifts that you don't withhold.

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You don't trick, you don't lie, you don't deceive.

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God, I pray that you would just continue to mend that a little bit more tonight.

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God, I pray that you would help them to see you the way that you truly are, that you're

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good, that you're faithful, that you're kind, that you do follow through on your word and

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you are a man, you're a God, but you sent Jesus to be the man here on earth to show

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us how you fulfill your promises to us.

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And so help us to see everything through that lens tonight as well.

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And we thank you that you sent the Holy Spirit to be our helper and our guide in the process.

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We're asking for revealings, for healing to happen, bring anything that's in darkness

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to the light that's needed.

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And we just praise you and thank you for that in Jesus name.

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Amen.

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So I have one housekeeping thing just real quick.

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I want to do a plug for next Tuesday night is our next event for our phase three ladies

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in our men's group.

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We are doing love stories again on Tuesday night, Brian and I will be the host.

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And we actually have two success stories from our community actually that are going to be

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here to join and share their stories with us.

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I don't, some of you will know Gabby and Tim, uh, they actually were both in our program

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on the men's side and the women's, and they have been married for a few years and have

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a little baby now.

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And it's been really awesome.

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And then also Ralph, um, and Diana, and some of you know them as well.

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And they were also both in our community and we're super excited to have them come and

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share their stories.

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So just want to let y'all know that's what's coming next week.

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So you can hopefully plan to be there and join us as well.

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So tonight I want to just kind of get you prepared in your heart.

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I want you to imagine that you're looking in a mirror, but instead of seeing your reflection,

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I want you to imagine seeing the person that you're hoping to marry someday.

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I'm going to repeat that.

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I want you to imagine that you're looking in a mirror, but instead of seeing your reflection,

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you see the person that you're hoping to marry someday.

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Now here's the uncomfortable question.

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Are you looking at someone who would complete you or someone who would enable you?

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So as you see that person, is that someone who's going to complete, complete you and

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partner with you in life?

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Or is that someone who's going to enable you in any way?

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Many of us have been taught that love means finding someone who will fill our gaps.

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But what if that's actually their recipe for dysfunction?

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So I want you to be thinking about even in your own life, I've done it before too, where

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sometimes we have these gaps and we are looking for that person to fill those.

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Whether that's a hole in your heart, we're going to talk about this and dive into this

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more, but from your mom or dad or even your guardian, whoever that person was for you,

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whether it's financial and you're struggling and you are looking for a way out and you

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don't mean to, you know, I was raised by a single mom.

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She had four kids and I can tell you that my mom hardly ever dated.

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And when she finally did start dating, I was a teenager.

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had not really had even enough time to process.

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Counseling wasn't a thing back then.

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And I can tell you that I remember getting really upset

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when my mom started dating.

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Now, I know why I did,

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but I'm just saying that to say this.

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I know that my mom struggled in a lot of ways

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and finances were one of those ways.

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And I wish that she had gotten the help that she needed

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to become more secure in who she was in that way as well.

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It might be something else for you,

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but what is that gap that you're wanting

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that person to fill?

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Is it loneliness?

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So be thinking about that and writing it down

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because the Lord wants to help you

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with where that gap is at in you.

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Because as we will find out tonight,

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your spirit mate is not meant to complete you.

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One plus one is equaling two,

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not one half plus one half.

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Okay?

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So we're gonna keep talking about this

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a little more tonight.

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So we're diving deeper into the heart patterns in us

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that either set us up for thriving marriages

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or to create relationships

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that feel more like therapy sessions

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and lots of dysfunction and continuing cycles

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that God is actually nudging us to overcome,

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but maybe we just aren't sure how to do that yet.

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And instead of being honest and real with ourselves,

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we just keep pressing through

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and keep trying to make things work,

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which obviously we believe that you all have spirit mates

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that you're looking for them and they're looking for you.

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But I do believe in God's divine timing.

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And I can look at that even in Brian and I's lives.

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If either one of us had met each other a year or two

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before we did,

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I honestly am not sure we would have chosen each other.

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Genuinely.

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So I'm so thankful for the healing that God did

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in both of our hearts and even to prepare us for each other

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because both of us are called to ministry

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and high levels of leadership.

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And we both needed immense healing

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to be able to carry that mantle with each other,

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not one person ahead of each other, right?

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So that might look different for you as well,

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but again, just trying to share some things

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to kind of get your heart going

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and seeking the Lord tonight.

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So I'm gonna talk to the women first, okay?

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I'm gonna do a little bit different tonight.

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I have some information for my ladies

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and then I have some information specific for my men.

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And then I'm gonna bring it together at the end

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and talk about how do we rebuild trust in ourselves

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when we've made mistakes in the past.

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And this applies to men and women.

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So I hope the guys will get a lot out of this tonight

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as well.

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But even as I'm talking to the ladies,

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gentlemen, I wanna encourage you to still be dialed in

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and listen because these are things

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that can also help you know,

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hey, yeah, maybe I shouldn't date

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or get really into a deep relationship

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if a woman is presenting some of these things.

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And then the same thing, ladies,

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when I'm talking to the gentlemen,

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I want you to stay dialed in as well, okay?

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So ladies, if you're looking for a husband

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and you might not even like know

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that you're looking for a husband to be a father, okay?

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I don't think any of us are like,

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I want, I'm looking for a husband to be my father,

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but subconsciously you continue to attract people

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that you're looking for them to solve your problems, okay?

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So that's what we're trying to stay away from.

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You're not looking for a parent,

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you're looking for a spirit mate.

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Again, that person that can partner with you

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in life's like vision and mission

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and God's calling for you.

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So I have four key indicators for each,

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the men and the women tonight,

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and there could be so many more.

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These are the ones I felt led to share tonight.

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Number one is dependency versus interdependency.

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I talk a lot about one of the big things that Jackie said.

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I mean, it hit me like so powerfully

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that I wrote it on a post-it note

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and I put it up on my mirror

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and I prayed it over myself all the time.

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Literally every time I would go in my bathroom,

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I would partner with that thing.

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And it was, I come out of agreement with independence

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and I come into agreement, Lord,

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with interdependence on you, okay?

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So if we first learn how to have interdependence with God,

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then we can learn how to have healthy interdependence

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with our spirit mate.

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So dependency versus interdependency.

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A red flag that presents itself

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is that if this is something

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that you actually subconsciously struggle with

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might look like or sound like this.

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Looking for someone to make decisions for you,

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fix problems, provide constant validation.

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I'll repeat that again.

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Red flags that could present themselves

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that this is something you struggle with

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is you're looking for someone to make decisions for you.

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Fix problems, provide constant validation for you.

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Do you know who you are as a woman?

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Do you know your identity in Christ so much that you're with that other person and you

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don't start changing who you are just to get them to like you?

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If that is something that you are struggling with, where as soon as you start dating someone

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you're kind of like a chameleon and you start changing, I'm not saying that I haven't changed

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anything.

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I go to Lego shows, y'all, for my husband.

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He loves that.

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But I do that more out of love for him.

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I haven't changed the core of who I am.

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Do you see the difference?

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I still do all kinds of things that I love doing, where in the past when I would get

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in relationships a lot of time, I would quit doing the things that I cared about and loved,

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just always trying to make that other person happy, which is dependency, codependency,

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all those things.

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So what healthy looks like, you know, that interdependency is partnering where you both

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bring strengths and you make decisions together.

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So you're not looking for them to be the decision maker.

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And ladies, one of the things in the red flags, and when I say this, it's not wrong to want

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to have people to help us when we have a problem, okay?

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But what I have heard showing up quite a bit lately is I have problems with my house and

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I need someone to help me fix them.

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Again, I'm not saying that's wrong.

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I'm just saying as women, I'm not asking you all to lean into like hypervigilance and dependence

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where you partner with, I don't need anybody to help me.

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But what I am saying is sometimes we could start moving towards a solution before the

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spirit mate comes, and then he can become a part of what you're already doing.

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There's a difference.

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Okay?

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All right.

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So here's the heart check.

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Am I looking for someone to complete me or compliment me?

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In the sense of not compliments, but like partner with me, they, they, they're kind

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of this team and we compliment each other.

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Okay?

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So there's a difference.

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So here are some heartwork mindset shifts for this one.

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We want to shift from, I need someone to validate my worth to I am already worthy and valued

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by God and I'm becoming more whole in Christ every day.

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And out of the overflow of the love of the father and my confidence in who I am in Christ,

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I can find a healthy partner to do life with.

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Here's another one.

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From I can't handle this alone.

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And again, you all, I have sympathy for my single moms.

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And I mean, I saw my mom struggle.

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I saw my mom late into the night mowing the lawn.

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And yes, as kids, we did help with that, you all.

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So what my mom wasn't just doing stuff or by herself, but when, when we weren't old

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enough to do some of that stuff, my mom did carry that weight.

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But here's the thing.

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My mom wasn't very good at asking people for help.

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Okay?

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And I think that I saw that, well, I know I did.

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I saw that being raised and I took that on myself a lot and still struggle with asking

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people to help.

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It's something I have to really work on.

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Number two, this is the number two of the four key indicators.

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Security source versus security partner.

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Here's the red flag.

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Seeking someone to provide emotional and or financial security, you can't create yourself.

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Seeking someone to provide emotional and or financial security that you can't create yourself.

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Now again, this is like the end of the spectrum.

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Like you're just really, that's the lie you're believing.

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That you can't figure this out yourself, that you're always going to struggle financially,

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which isn't true, ladies or gentlemen.

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This can apply to both sides, okay?

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But we can all go to get education on finances.

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If you even go into a bank that has an investment firm, they have investment advisors that will

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sit with you and literally they will help you come up with a plan on how to get from

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where you are to where you need to be to be healthier.

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All right?

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So it's all whether or not we're willing to put in the work to grow and build that muscle.

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Now obviously there's hard work related there as well.

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Here's the healthy side of it.

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Building your own foundation, even if it's a little bit at a time, and inviting someone

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to build alongside of you.

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I just told a story on the hard work session on Monday night years ago.

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This wasn't true, but I felt like every time I would get money, I had holes in my pockets.

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That's how it felt.

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But really, I was a big giver. And a lot of times I was giving beyond what I should have been giving.

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I wasn't being very mindful of the budget and things like that, right? And in my heart,

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I'm like, well, God's telling me to give. Hmm. I don't know about that. I don't think God would

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ask me to give more than he actually had given me, you know, in what I made. But I think sometimes

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that's what we just keep saying instead of really like, okay, is this a wise decision right now?

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Or should I wait, Lord, and save the money up and then sow the seed into this person,

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right? Okay. So I'm going to keep going. Here's the hard check. Am I looking for rescue?

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Or am I looking for a life journey partner? Am I looking for rescue? Or for a life journey

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partner? Any ladies in here wanting a Prince Charming? And again, I'm not saying it's bad,

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okay? But you all, I wanted the Prince Charming. I wanted the White Knight to literally, I would

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think about it. Like in my subconscious, that was in there. Because you know, we grow up and we watch

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all these movies. And that's how it happened, right? So when it doesn't present itself that way,

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sometimes we actually think the person isn't the person when they're really amazing.

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Because they didn't have the white horse and all the things that we thought they needed to have.

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I know that I'm speaking to some people. So again, it doesn't mean we won't have our

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quote unquote Prince Charming ladies. I think Brian absolutely was my Prince Charming.

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He did amazing things to be chivalrous and kind. And those were the things that mattered more than

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all of the ideas that I had of what I was looking for or wanting. Here's the heartwork

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and mindset shifts. From someone else will provide my security to God is my ultimate security. And

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I'm building stability day by day with Him. I'm going to say that one again. We're going to shift

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out of someone else will provide my security to God is my ultimate security. And I'm building

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stability with Him day by day. Here's another one. Shifting from I need to be saved from my

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circumstances. Two, I'm stewarding what God has given me and growing in wisdom. Wisdom,

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it takes time sometimes. But you know, we're in a culture where everything we want it immediate,

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don't we? But the lessons I've learned the most and that were the of the biggest impact in my

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life were typically lessons I learned more and more over time. So learning from other people,

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you know, how many of you know somebody who is better with their money and finances than you?

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Just they're better than where you're at right now. Anybody have somebody in your life that

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they're just further along in their finances than where you're at right now? I think that most of us

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hopefully are raising our hand there because there's always somebody that's ahead of us in

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these areas in our lives. So what if we could just reach out to them and have them, you know,

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sit down for coffee and like, hey, like I would, I've just recognized that this is something that

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I feel like God has blessed you that you have wisdom. I would love to just hear like your top

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three things that you do to grow your savings, you know, for people that don't have a lot of

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My first real job, I had several kind of real jobs, but this was my first like corporate job.

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And my boss and his wife, literally both of them at different times were telling me do a 401k,

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do a 401k. And you all do you know what I told him? I don't have the money to do it.

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Like I need every penny I make. And that is how I really felt. But you know what I found later on

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I finally did do a 401k years later, is that you figure out, like, you don't even really miss that

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money, because it goes right in there. And then you figure out how to live off of what you still

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have. You shift. And that's what I did. Praise the Lord. But I wish I had listened all those years

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earlier, because I would have had a lot more saved than even than I do right now, even though I'm

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still doing good. So these are the kind of things we make these excuses that we can't do certain

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things. But yeah, we go by Starbucks all the time. Maybe you're not a Starbucks person, but maybe

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yours is shoes. Maybe yours is, you know, gentlemen, I don't know, motorcycle stuff. I don't know what

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y'all like. But just whatever it is, could we, you know, press pause on that for a little bit and

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save a little bit of money. All right, I'm gonna keep going. Unequal versus equal dynamic. Okay,

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unequal versus equal dynamic. This is number three. Here's the

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red flag. Women being drawn to men who tell you what to do, or

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whose approval you are constantly seeking. Women being

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drawn to men who tell you what to do, or whose approval you are

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constantly seeking. Now, this doesn't mean that we aren't

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going to going to appreciate the wisdom of the men that God

326
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brings into our lives. Okay, so I'm not asking you guys to

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again, I'm not asking you to partner with the lie that you

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don't need help from the spirit mate that God wants to bring

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you. And that you don't you can't listen to them or you

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can't submit. I know a lot of people still don't love that

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word. All right. This is more about, you know, you just are

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constantly needing them to approve of everything that you

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do, even some of you all. Again, I love you, but you're going on

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these initial dates, and you're sharing stuff about what you're

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doing in your life. Like, oh, I got this plan. And I'm going to

336
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go on this thing with this person. On a first date that

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that person knows way too much about you. They don't need to

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know the things that you're planning to do with other

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people. You're supposed to be there getting to know them. So

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why are we doing that? So we need to unpack that and see

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where that's coming from. That did that need in us to over

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share, or maybe not a need, but a heart wound. Okay. I'm going

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to keep going. The healthy side of this is respecting each

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other's voices, and autonomy as equals. So again, that we're

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giving that space, we're listening to them, but we also

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have that space to share as well. And it's equal heart

347
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check, do I want to be taken care of? Or do I want to be a

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co leader? Okay, do you want to co lead in your marriage? I hope

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so. And men, I'm just going to say this real quick, if that's

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not the kind of woman you're looking for. I'm going to

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encourage you to really pray about that because you guys

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should be co leading in life together. Now that she would

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submit to you and also that you would submit to her submission

354
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is a co respect. Okay, it's not one lording over the other.

355
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Alright, I'm going to keep going. Here's the heartwork

356
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mindset shifts from his opinion matters more than mine to we

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both bring valuable perspectives to decisions. So if

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you're someone that you're just not sure if your voice matters

359
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or that you bring value to the table, I'm going to encourage

360
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you not not press pause forever. Okay, so don't hear what I'm

361
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not saying. But I want to encourage you at least take a

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few weeks to really figure out what your value is. What are

363
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your values? Like, what do you care about? But also, what is

364
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your value in the Lord? Like, what do you really believe about

365
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your value? Because if you're trying to get out there and

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date, and you don't even know that you're worth something,

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that's going to go all kinds of sideways. All right, from I need

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his approval to feel good about myself, to my identity is

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secure in Christ, not in human approval. Again, who does who

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does Christ say that you are? And who do you believe that you

371
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are? Do you believe that when you come into a room, that that

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room lights up and that you bring amazing things to that

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place? I hope so. All right, number four, healing your past

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versus healing, or excuse me, healing your past versus

375
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building your future. Okay, here's the flag, hoping a

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relationship will heal childhood wounds or fill father

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voids. This is where this one comes in pretty strong. Red

378
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flag, hoping a relationship will heal childhood wounds, or fill

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father voids. Here's the healthy side of it. Doing your own

380
00:23:58.840 --> 00:24:03.840
heartwork to enter marriage whole. Remember, one plus one

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whole people equals two. Now, does that mean that we're never

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gonna have heartwork to do again? No, we're gonna have

383
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heartwork to do. I've been married several years, and I

384
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still have heartwork that I'm doing. Praise the Lord, God is

385
00:24:16.760 --> 00:24:20.980
good. But you will, you will feel that shift in yourself when

386
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you you become more secure in who you are. And you're not

387
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seeking, you know, to have that void filled or that constant

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approval and all these things I'm talking about. Here's the

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00:24:29.980 --> 00:24:36.320
heart check. Am I expecting this person to heal my past? Or am I

390
00:24:36.320 --> 00:24:41.480
doing that work for myself right now? And again, I don't I

391
00:24:41.480 --> 00:24:44.240
know a lot of us we don't think that we are looking for someone

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to heal our past. But again, it's like, we're wanting that

393
00:24:48.600 --> 00:24:54.360
that Prince to come in and rescue us. God is the rescuer,

394
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you all. He's the only rescuer that needs to do the rescuing.

395
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Okay, all right, heartwork mindset shifts from love will heal what was broken to Christ

396
00:25:08.580 --> 00:25:12.340
heals what was broken and love grows in that healing.

397
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I'm going to say that again.

398
00:25:16.800 --> 00:25:23.000
We're shifting out of love will heal what was broken to Christ heals what was broken

399
00:25:23.000 --> 00:25:25.240
and love grows from that healing.

400
00:25:25.800 --> 00:25:32.480
So the hurt in relationship healed in relationship how that happens is we become healed on the

401
00:25:32.480 --> 00:25:35.600
inside by Christ and out of that healing.

402
00:25:36.160 --> 00:25:39.180
That's how we then can connect in healthy relationship over here.

403
00:25:39.540 --> 00:25:44.660
Okay, it's not that person coming into your life and then you automatically heal because

404
00:25:44.660 --> 00:25:45.480
they're there.

405
00:25:46.780 --> 00:25:54.000
All right, does everyone understand that because honestly like I you know, a lot of times we're

406
00:25:54.000 --> 00:25:54.480
walking around.

407
00:25:54.480 --> 00:25:59.100
I don't know if you all have ever seen or the little kids books, but where you're walking

408
00:25:59.100 --> 00:26:03.940
around with that tank or a bucket, you know, and it's half empty and we're carrying it

409
00:26:03.940 --> 00:26:08.180
around with us looking for people to fill our bucket when reality we need to get our

410
00:26:08.180 --> 00:26:13.080
bucket filled with the Lord and then find somebody else that has their bucket filled

411
00:26:13.600 --> 00:26:17.380
and then we can bring these awesome buckets together and pour them out on people.

412
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It's quite fun.

413
00:26:18.580 --> 00:26:19.060
All right.

414
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Okay.

415
00:26:20.060 --> 00:26:20.120
Okay.

416
00:26:20.120 --> 00:26:25.900
Here's the ministry moment for the ladies before I go to the gentleman only Christ can

417
00:26:25.900 --> 00:26:32.840
be your ultimate source of security and healing a godly husband supports your journey, but

418
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cannot be your Savior.

419
00:26:36.820 --> 00:26:42.440
Only Christ can be your ultimate source of security and healing a godly husband supports

420
00:26:42.440 --> 00:26:45.440
your journey, but cannot be your Savior.

421
00:26:46.440 --> 00:26:54.380
Okay, here's my content for the men men seeking mother figure versus true partner gentlemen.

422
00:26:54.380 --> 00:26:56.340
Are you looking for a wife?

423
00:26:56.780 --> 00:27:01.400
Are you looking for a spirit mate or someone to be the mother that you always wanted?

424
00:27:02.320 --> 00:27:07.580
If it's the latter you're setting up a relationship that will drain the both of you.

425
00:27:08.360 --> 00:27:11.980
Here's four key indicators caretaking versus partnership.

426
00:27:11.980 --> 00:27:18.300
That's number one red flag might look like or sound like and again, these all could have

427
00:27:18.300 --> 00:27:21.500
additional red flags, but these were the ones I put together for tonight.

428
00:27:21.880 --> 00:27:28.460
The red flag could look like you're looking for someone to manage your life handle responsibilities

429
00:27:28.680 --> 00:27:34.840
keep you in line constantly nurture you, you know, you have a bad day and they've got to

430
00:27:34.840 --> 00:27:39.820
be the one kind of just the same as the ladies kind of that they got to make you feel better

431
00:27:39.820 --> 00:27:44.920
and they got to pour all this energy into you and you're just draining draining draining.

432
00:27:46.060 --> 00:27:51.520
The healthy side of this is both contributing to the household both sharing responsibilities

433
00:27:51.900 --> 00:27:54.800
both supporting goals you're again team.

434
00:27:56.400 --> 00:27:58.960
And there's no I and team, right?

435
00:27:59.120 --> 00:28:03.900
It's two people coming together and working as a unit heart check here.

436
00:28:04.560 --> 00:28:09.420
Am I looking for someone to take care of me or build a life with me?

437
00:28:10.640 --> 00:28:16.160
And I know a lot of men you might not like be like, yeah, I'm looking for someone to take care

438
00:28:16.160 --> 00:28:22.420
of me, but I'm just going to share, you know, even from the way that you're raised sometimes

439
00:28:22.420 --> 00:28:28.320
you might not realize that you're looking for a wife to take care of you because you

440
00:28:28.320 --> 00:28:29.900
haven't developed a certain skill yet.

441
00:28:29.900 --> 00:28:38.880
So for example, you know, my husband didn't grow up in a house where their mom like she

442
00:28:38.880 --> 00:28:39.400
did work.

443
00:28:39.400 --> 00:28:45.000
So I'm not judging her by any means, but she didn't do laundry very often and they would

444
00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:46.840
put their dirty laundry in a closet.

445
00:28:48.540 --> 00:28:54.300
And if he ran out of clothes, he would have to go into the closet and get the dirty clothes

446
00:28:54.300 --> 00:28:57.860
out and wear them all that like I can't even imagine.

447
00:28:57.860 --> 00:29:02.460
I know that like I went through a lot of things too, but just that was what I like.

448
00:29:02.640 --> 00:29:03.780
It made me like, oh, wow.

449
00:29:03.780 --> 00:29:06.340
My mom was a single mom, but we always had clean clothes.

450
00:29:06.780 --> 00:29:09.220
Like, you know, so again, not judging his mom.

451
00:29:09.240 --> 00:29:12.380
It probably was something that came down generational with her for her.

452
00:29:13.040 --> 00:29:17.860
Some other things is like he would eat, you know, soup out of a can growing up.

453
00:29:18.060 --> 00:29:20.040
And so again, no judgment.

454
00:29:20.180 --> 00:29:22.920
I think a lot of people, more people do that than I even know.

455
00:29:23.320 --> 00:29:25.740
I used to eat ramen y'all.

456
00:29:25.740 --> 00:29:26.680
I'll tell him myself.

457
00:29:26.900 --> 00:29:31.540
I used to do hard ramen and that would be my dinner when my mom was working or whatever.

458
00:29:31.740 --> 00:29:33.800
But so we all grow up with this stuff.

459
00:29:34.080 --> 00:29:34.480
Okay.

460
00:29:34.920 --> 00:29:41.300
But the reason I'm mentioning it is because when we went through Simbas, one of the things

461
00:29:41.300 --> 00:29:45.420
that was a potential thing, a hot topic, it's called when you guys, you know, meet your

462
00:29:45.420 --> 00:29:46.960
spirit mate, highly recommend Simbas.

463
00:29:47.160 --> 00:29:49.980
We talked about things we didn't even know we needed to talk about.

464
00:29:50.180 --> 00:29:50.620
Yeah.

465
00:29:50.700 --> 00:29:53.060
Paul, Paul's like he doesn't like doing dishes.

466
00:29:54.000 --> 00:29:55.040
Brian's the same way.

467
00:29:55.040 --> 00:29:55.580
Okay.

468
00:29:55.720 --> 00:29:56.580
He grew up.

469
00:29:56.620 --> 00:29:57.680
You put him in the sink.

470
00:29:58.500 --> 00:29:59.980
Well, if you just keep putting.

471
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:06.560
in the sink. Guess what? They just build up and if you don't have someone coming behind you to do

472
00:30:06.420 --> 00:30:12.220
them, they're just a bunch of dishes in the sink, right? So when we went through Simbis,

473
00:30:13.280 --> 00:30:17.960
one of the hot topics that it said we would most likely, you know, have any kind of disagreement,

474
00:30:18.020 --> 00:30:23.640
which we don't really fight you all. If we do have any kind of ruffles, it is over chores.

475
00:30:23.640 --> 00:30:30.100
Lo and behold, no surprise there. Why? Because we were raised very differently. And even my mom,

476
00:30:30.360 --> 00:30:36.580
you know, like in his mom's defense, my mom had a lot of issues with paper, lots of paper around.

477
00:30:36.740 --> 00:30:41.140
She just had there was piles, piles, piles everywhere. And when we would have guest

478
00:30:41.140 --> 00:30:45.120
overs, she would like hide all that stuff. But then it would just come right back out.

479
00:30:45.480 --> 00:30:51.500
So I grew up seeing that. So guess what I have had a hard time with growing like over the years,

480
00:30:51.500 --> 00:30:58.260
getting rid of the paper. So we all have our stuff. So why am I saying that? I'm saying that

481
00:30:59.540 --> 00:31:05.120
because, you know, he's kind of used to putting the dishes in the sink. And one of the first

482
00:31:05.120 --> 00:31:11.860
things we actually had a little tiff about was like, why do you not wash the dishes ever? Like,

483
00:31:11.860 --> 00:31:21.480
just rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. Like we have a dishwasher. I'm not always the

484
00:31:21.480 --> 00:31:26.980
like, people have massive blowups over this kind of stuff. So these are the kind of things you want

485
00:31:26.980 --> 00:31:34.040
to work on. And not that you have to love doing all of these things. But let's not like assume,

486
00:31:34.560 --> 00:31:38.100
and I think Jackie, I don't know if she said it on Supernatural Saturday, but I know I heard her

487
00:31:38.100 --> 00:31:43.300
recently say, man, if you're just looking for a wife that can just cook for you, you might want

488
00:31:43.300 --> 00:31:48.800
to learn how to cook for yourself. It doesn't mean you won't find someone that can cook and loves

489
00:31:48.800 --> 00:31:53.940
cooking and baking all those things, because some women do. But not all women do. And I'll tell you,

490
00:31:54.020 --> 00:32:00.580
like, I will cook several nights a week, but you all we are busy. We're busy running two churches

491
00:32:00.640 --> 00:32:05.820
now. And I have all my last year single stuff. And a lot of nights, we're just going, going,

492
00:32:06.120 --> 00:32:11.840
going. And so it's just been easier for us to, you know, get food that's made that's healthy

493
00:32:11.840 --> 00:32:17.680
and good and and bring that in. So you know, everybody adjusts to what's going on. But here,

494
00:32:17.680 --> 00:32:21.620
yes, there are a lot of men that are great cooks. All right, I'm gonna keep going or I'll get stuck

495
00:32:21.620 --> 00:32:28.580
and we will run out of time. But I just wanted to kind of bring that to the surface so that

496
00:32:28.580 --> 00:32:34.300
it doesn't mean that you're always intentionally looking for someone to take care of you. But some

497
00:32:34.300 --> 00:32:41.040
of the things from your past may show up in that way when you're dating or in relationship. Okay,

498
00:32:41.040 --> 00:32:45.720
so here's the heart check, or excuse me, the heart work mindset shift. So we want to shift

499
00:32:45.720 --> 00:32:53.100
from someone should handle what I don't want to do to I take ownership of my responsibilities

500
00:32:53.240 --> 00:33:00.500
and share burdens appropriately. Someone should handle what I don't want to do. We're shifting

501
00:33:00.500 --> 00:33:05.820
out of that and we're shifting into I take ownership of my responsibilities and share

502
00:33:05.940 --> 00:33:13.760
burdens appropriately. Do you guys know what chore reduces stress doing dishes? I do think

503
00:33:13.760 --> 00:33:21.140
you're right on that. Sandra. All right, here's another one. We're going to shift out of I need

504
00:33:21.260 --> 00:33:28.520
constant nurturing and comfort to I can both give and receive support in healthy measures.

505
00:33:29.320 --> 00:33:33.980
Remember, we want to do giving and taking on both sides. Ladies and gentlemen, we should

506
00:33:33.980 --> 00:33:40.420
all be giving and then know how to receive it shouldn't be like I'm just taking taking

507
00:33:40.420 --> 00:33:47.260
taking from the other person or giving giving giving and it's not reciprocated. That's not

508
00:33:47.260 --> 00:33:54.700
healthy. Here's number two, comfort provider versus life companion. Here's the red flag,

509
00:33:55.420 --> 00:34:01.940
seeking someone to soothe emotions and provide unconditional comfort without reciprocating it

510
00:34:01.940 --> 00:34:06.800
to them, which is what I was just talking about. Here's the healthy side of that, both offering

511
00:34:06.800 --> 00:34:12.860
and receiving emotional support as equals. Here's the heart check. Am I looking for someone to make

512
00:34:12.860 --> 00:34:19.100
me feel better or share joys and struggles? Again, there's that sharing that teammate.

513
00:34:19.620 --> 00:34:24.000
So we're shifting out of mindsets like she shouldn't make everything okay for me.

514
00:34:25.900 --> 00:34:33.620
Y'all, I'm just gonna tell you, I hear this, especially after our couples are getting married.

515
00:34:35.560 --> 00:34:39.320
She should make everything okay for me.

516
00:34:40.480 --> 00:34:44.920
Two, we face life's challenges together as a team.

517
00:34:46.520 --> 00:34:53.820
Okay, that we would shift out of mindsets like I give little but I expect much emotional comfort.

518
00:34:54.820 --> 00:34:59.980
Two, I actively contribute to our emotional connection and

519
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:06.060
her well being. So again, that's that mutual contributions. And

520
00:35:06.060 --> 00:35:08.400
for the guys, I just want to kind of spend a few minutes

521
00:35:08.280 --> 00:35:12.740
here, because I am seeing so many people struggling in this

522
00:35:12.740 --> 00:35:18.040
area where, you know, we shift back into on on occasion, the

523
00:35:18.040 --> 00:35:21.000
areas where we haven't and this is ladies and gentlemen, I'll

524
00:35:21.000 --> 00:35:25.320
speak to both sides here. When we haven't taken adequate time

525
00:35:25.320 --> 00:35:28.820
in the heart work in some areas, even when the Lord's nudging us

526
00:35:28.820 --> 00:35:31.500
to like deal with an area, and we're just like, I'm just gonna

527
00:35:31.500 --> 00:35:36.060
date, I'm just gonna keep going. And a lot of times what will

528
00:35:36.060 --> 00:35:40.100
happen is, again, we're, we're wanting that other person to

529
00:35:40.100 --> 00:35:45.900
make everything okay for us them to fix it. And then what happens

530
00:35:45.920 --> 00:35:50.460
is, the marriage is amazing. But guess what you all once we get

531
00:35:50.460 --> 00:35:54.940
married, there's more pressure that gets applied. Okay. And

532
00:35:54.940 --> 00:35:58.580
when that happens, it tends to cause all these areas that are

533
00:35:58.580 --> 00:36:03.080
not healed yet to start to come up to the surface and percolate

534
00:36:03.080 --> 00:36:07.140
to the top. And sometimes they get triggered, right? And we're

535
00:36:07.140 --> 00:36:10.200
not expecting it. And so what are we going to do in those

536
00:36:10.200 --> 00:36:14.960
moments? Are we going to stay a team and partner with each other

537
00:36:14.960 --> 00:36:18.640
and work through it? Or are we going to put it on the other

538
00:36:18.640 --> 00:36:22.500
person to be like, you just need to make me feel better. So you

539
00:36:22.500 --> 00:36:26.720
need to change. And this is again, for both the ladies and

540
00:36:26.720 --> 00:36:31.340
the gentlemen, are we going to own our stuff and stay a team?

541
00:36:32.000 --> 00:36:34.880
Are we going to blame shift and point the finger at the other

542
00:36:34.880 --> 00:36:38.840
people? So I'm going to keep going on equal versus equal

543
00:36:38.860 --> 00:36:42.840
dynamic. This is the one for the men. And I had this for the

544
00:36:42.840 --> 00:36:46.560
ladies as well. But here it is for you. Being drawn to women

545
00:36:46.560 --> 00:36:51.040
who constantly give without receiving or who enable your

546
00:36:51.720 --> 00:36:54.200
weaknesses. We all have weaknesses, ladies and

547
00:36:54.260 --> 00:36:58.760
gentlemen, okay. And so are we willing to be honest about those

548
00:36:58.760 --> 00:37:02.160
things and not seek to get that fulfilled from that other

549
00:37:02.060 --> 00:37:07.140
person? Healthy, healthy side of this both giving and receiving

550
00:37:07.280 --> 00:37:12.260
challenging and supporting each other as equals. Here's the

551
00:37:12.260 --> 00:37:18.420
heart check. Do I want to be mothered and enabled? Or be an

552
00:37:18.420 --> 00:37:23.820
equal partner who contributes meaningfully? Here's the mindset

553
00:37:23.820 --> 00:37:28.680
shift from she should give without expecting much back from

554
00:37:28.380 --> 00:37:34.780
me. And again, I don't think that we do this like overtly. I

555
00:37:34.780 --> 00:37:37.900
think sometimes it's the subconscious messages that we're

556
00:37:37.900 --> 00:37:41.420
sending out to people. And so that's what I'm asking you guys

557
00:37:41.420 --> 00:37:45.020
to look at. Now we do act on those things by like what we're

558
00:37:45.020 --> 00:37:48.620
saying and doing, but what's going on subconsciously in us.

559
00:37:49.020 --> 00:37:52.300
So we want to shift out of that into healthy relationships

560
00:37:53.340 --> 00:37:58.860
require mutual investment and respect. So again, that mutual

561
00:37:58.860 --> 00:38:02.680
giving respect and investing in each other, shifting out of I

562
00:38:02.680 --> 00:38:07.500
prefer women who don't challenge me to I want someone who sees my

563
00:38:07.680 --> 00:38:14.100
potential and encourages my growth. Gentlemen, do you have a

564
00:38:14.100 --> 00:38:18.540
hard time being challenged by women? If you do, I really want

565
00:38:18.540 --> 00:38:21.780
to encourage you to look at that with the Lord. I'm going to tell

566
00:38:21.780 --> 00:38:24.360
you a little story about Brian and he would be totally okay with

567
00:38:24.360 --> 00:38:28.300
me sharing these stories. He has a great job as a pastor here,

568
00:38:28.300 --> 00:38:31.620
but we're wanting to save for our own house. We're super

569
00:38:31.620 --> 00:38:34.460
blessed to live in the parsonage. But we have a big

570
00:38:34.460 --> 00:38:36.860
vision for where God wants to take us and we just really want

571
00:38:36.860 --> 00:38:40.460
a pool and some fun things too that we don't have here. And so

572
00:38:40.460 --> 00:38:44.240
as we've been talking about that, he was wanting to get a

573
00:38:44.240 --> 00:38:48.580
second job and years ago, he did lift on the side, he worked a

574
00:38:48.720 --> 00:38:53.100
job and then he worked lift. And so he was just like, I can just

575
00:38:53.100 --> 00:38:57.820
do that again. And it wasn't that I cared if he did lift, but

576
00:38:57.820 --> 00:39:01.560
I just kept feeling like he was settling for less than what God

577
00:39:01.560 --> 00:39:04.980
had for him. And so I courageously talked to him about

578
00:39:04.980 --> 00:39:08.340
it that day. Thankfully, my husband has a teachable heart

579
00:39:08.340 --> 00:39:13.080
and he trusts me to speak into his life. But I just said, you

580
00:39:13.080 --> 00:39:16.520
have all these giftings, like you are so great at teaching

581
00:39:16.520 --> 00:39:19.980
context about the Bible and he has all these book ideas. And

582
00:39:19.980 --> 00:39:22.460
I'm like, I really think you should just do something

583
00:39:22.460 --> 00:39:25.720
related to that. I'm like, you literally could make a course

584
00:39:25.720 --> 00:39:27.680
out of the book you already have. And I was just kind of

585
00:39:27.680 --> 00:39:31.940
pouring into him. And we had this conversation and he was

586
00:39:32.560 --> 00:39:37.680
uncomfortable. Okay. But we talked it through. You all four

587
00:39:37.680 --> 00:39:41.760
weeks later, my husband came up with an idea of a company that

588
00:39:41.760 --> 00:39:47.000
he is working on officially launching November 1st. It's a

589
00:39:47.000 --> 00:39:52.020
big deal. And he's been working really hard on it. And he, we

590
00:39:52.080 --> 00:39:55.700
believe that it will be a great source of additional, you know,

591
00:39:55.760 --> 00:39:58.700
blessing to the church that we're leading as income comes

592
00:39:58.700 --> 00:39:59.980
in for that. So I just

593
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:03.080
Just want you all to know, ladies, you hold power

594
00:40:03.120 --> 00:40:06.100
in a good way to encourage your men

595
00:40:06.100 --> 00:40:07.280
and speak life into them.

596
00:40:07.340 --> 00:40:11.220
But men, you have to be willing to receive it.

597
00:40:11.600 --> 00:40:14.820
Because your wife, your easer, loves you.

598
00:40:15.120 --> 00:40:16.840
And she's going to see things in you

599
00:40:16.840 --> 00:40:18.480
that you might not even see in yourself.

600
00:40:19.280 --> 00:40:20.960
Hopefully, you will see them in yourself as well.

601
00:40:21.200 --> 00:40:23.740
But in that situation, Brian, he was

602
00:40:23.740 --> 00:40:25.540
willing to hear what I was saying

603
00:40:25.540 --> 00:40:26.940
and seek the Lord about it.

604
00:40:26.940 --> 00:40:29.380
And then God showed him more about who he is.

605
00:40:29.380 --> 00:40:32.960
And even as he's working on this program and leading the church

606
00:40:32.960 --> 00:40:34.060
and we're launching these additions,

607
00:40:34.400 --> 00:40:37.000
God continues to build on that now.

608
00:40:37.100 --> 00:40:38.920
And he's hearing different things.

609
00:40:39.000 --> 00:40:40.680
And it wasn't that he was insecure

610
00:40:40.680 --> 00:40:42.040
or he thought bad about himself.

611
00:40:42.140 --> 00:40:45.220
But he's like, do you ever feel like, ladies and gentlemen,

612
00:40:45.320 --> 00:40:46.580
sometimes you're just kind of walking.

613
00:40:46.720 --> 00:40:48.400
And you're not hunched over.

614
00:40:48.580 --> 00:40:51.900
But your shoulders just aren't maybe as confident.

615
00:40:52.020 --> 00:40:53.260
But then something happens.

616
00:40:53.340 --> 00:40:56.760
And you just start to walk differently and live

617
00:40:56.760 --> 00:40:57.160
differently.

618
00:40:57.160 --> 00:41:00.080
Well, that's kind of what's happening in the spirit realm

619
00:41:00.080 --> 00:41:01.480
for him right now.

620
00:41:01.760 --> 00:41:05.700
And so that's why I wanted to encourage the men on here

621
00:41:05.700 --> 00:41:07.920
and those that will watch the replay and even again,

622
00:41:08.360 --> 00:41:08.840
the ladies.

623
00:41:09.720 --> 00:41:13.760
We have power, all of us, to build up or tear down.

624
00:41:14.940 --> 00:41:17.520
Our mouths and our tongue are like,

625
00:41:17.940 --> 00:41:19.960
it's either going to be an unruly fire

626
00:41:20.040 --> 00:41:22.060
or it's going to be something that's going to lovingly

627
00:41:22.780 --> 00:41:23.960
pour life into people.

628
00:41:24.060 --> 00:41:25.280
Which one do you want to be?

629
00:41:26.120 --> 00:41:27.040
You know?

630
00:41:27.800 --> 00:41:30.700
OK, number four, avoiding growth versus pursuing growth

631
00:41:30.700 --> 00:41:31.160
together.

632
00:41:31.440 --> 00:41:32.300
Here's the red flag.

633
00:41:33.080 --> 00:41:34.920
Hoping a relationship will let you remain

634
00:41:35.580 --> 00:41:37.460
comfortable in immaturity.

635
00:41:39.200 --> 00:41:39.480
Ouch.

636
00:41:40.020 --> 00:41:41.160
That's tough, right?

637
00:41:42.040 --> 00:41:43.740
Hoping a relationship will let you remain

638
00:41:43.740 --> 00:41:45.040
comfortable in immaturity.

639
00:41:46.220 --> 00:41:47.600
Here's the healthy side of it.

640
00:41:47.820 --> 00:41:51.220
Becoming the man God calls you to be before entering marriage.

641
00:41:51.260 --> 00:41:52.680
Does it mean you have to be perfect?

642
00:41:53.260 --> 00:41:54.660
No, it does not.

643
00:41:55.520 --> 00:41:59.560
But again, this is all about us getting confident and growing

644
00:41:59.560 --> 00:42:02.500
in that confidence and then entering that marriage

645
00:42:02.500 --> 00:42:05.040
knowing that you're a blessing to your wife.

646
00:42:06.020 --> 00:42:08.500
You don't have to be perfect to be that blessing.

647
00:42:10.300 --> 00:42:11.500
Brian is my covering.

648
00:42:13.600 --> 00:42:16.500
And I'm super grateful for everything God is showing him.

649
00:42:16.700 --> 00:42:18.920
But I have to be willing to trust him too.

650
00:42:19.400 --> 00:42:20.780
All right, here's the heart check.

651
00:42:20.780 --> 00:42:24.320
Am I expecting acceptance without growth?

652
00:42:25.160 --> 00:42:28.780
Or am I becoming the man God calls me to be?

653
00:42:31.420 --> 00:42:33.620
Here's the heartwork mindset shifts from.

654
00:42:33.820 --> 00:42:35.320
We're going to shift out of.

655
00:42:35.340 --> 00:42:39.300
Love means accepting me as I am without change.

656
00:42:40.680 --> 00:42:43.180
You just got to take me the way I am.

657
00:42:43.400 --> 00:42:44.400
Ladies say this too.

658
00:42:44.500 --> 00:42:46.080
I've been hearing it.

659
00:42:46.860 --> 00:42:49.580
It's on both sides, but I'm talking to the men.

660
00:42:49.580 --> 00:42:52.940
Because we have some ladies that are just like,

661
00:42:52.960 --> 00:42:54.640
they just got to accept me the way I am.

662
00:42:55.740 --> 00:42:57.060
No, you all.

663
00:42:57.820 --> 00:42:58.440
That's not healthy.

664
00:42:58.900 --> 00:42:59.220
All right.

665
00:42:59.460 --> 00:43:02.280
We're going to shift into love means

666
00:43:02.280 --> 00:43:06.640
becoming the best version of myself for our relationship.

667
00:43:07.640 --> 00:43:12.320
So who can we become today or tomorrow

668
00:43:12.320 --> 00:43:15.040
that's a little bit healthier version of ourselves,

669
00:43:15.160 --> 00:43:17.740
becoming that best version that we can become?

670
00:43:18.300 --> 00:43:19.720
Here's another one.

671
00:43:19.920 --> 00:43:20.920
We're going to shift out of.

672
00:43:21.140 --> 00:43:23.300
I'll grow when I find the right person.

673
00:43:24.640 --> 00:43:29.700
Two, I'm growing now so that I can be the right person.

674
00:43:31.820 --> 00:43:34.220
Are you growing now, ladies and gentlemen?

675
00:43:34.340 --> 00:43:35.380
This is for everyone.

676
00:43:36.300 --> 00:43:38.380
So that you can be the right person?

677
00:43:38.860 --> 00:43:41.100
Or are you just focused on finding the person?

678
00:43:42.480 --> 00:43:45.920
I absolutely had to stop just looking for the person.

679
00:43:45.920 --> 00:43:49.280
And I had to really grow in who I was.

680
00:43:49.700 --> 00:43:51.840
That hole in my pocket that I thought I had,

681
00:43:52.040 --> 00:43:53.020
you all, I didn't have that.

682
00:43:53.160 --> 00:43:55.160
And God had to heal some things in my heart

683
00:43:55.160 --> 00:43:57.420
around orphan mentalities and mindsets

684
00:43:57.420 --> 00:44:00.480
that I had that were limiting belief systems regarding money.

685
00:44:02.160 --> 00:44:04.120
And after those changes happened,

686
00:44:04.440 --> 00:44:07.040
you all, that's when I started stepping out

687
00:44:07.040 --> 00:44:08.240
to be a part of Last Year Single.

688
00:44:08.740 --> 00:44:10.400
Before that, I had a full-time job.

689
00:44:10.420 --> 00:44:13.440
And I didn't know if I was ready to leave that.

690
00:44:14.140 --> 00:44:15.860
And then I took a little baby step.

691
00:44:15.960 --> 00:44:17.720
And then God led me to take another step.

692
00:44:17.860 --> 00:44:19.660
And before long, I quit that job

693
00:44:19.880 --> 00:44:23.420
and then came full on being like, I'm a consultant.

694
00:44:24.660 --> 00:44:26.240
And I'm a huge part of this team.

695
00:44:26.280 --> 00:44:29.020
But God had to take me out of the place I was

696
00:44:29.020 --> 00:44:30.580
so that I could come to where I am.

697
00:44:31.360 --> 00:44:32.720
So here's the ministry moment.

698
00:44:33.660 --> 00:44:36.360
Your wife cannot be your personal development coach.

699
00:44:37.720 --> 00:44:40.480
Only Christ can transform your heart.

700
00:44:40.480 --> 00:44:43.880
Now you all, I've told you before,

701
00:44:43.880 --> 00:44:45.760
it's hard for me to turn the heartwork coach off.

702
00:44:46.660 --> 00:44:48.600
Sometimes I'm talking to my husband and I'm like,

703
00:44:48.940 --> 00:44:51.640
oh, you didn't ask me to heartwork you on that, did you?

704
00:44:51.700 --> 00:44:52.800
And he's like, no.

705
00:44:54.000 --> 00:44:55.720
So we work on that all the time.

706
00:44:56.180 --> 00:44:57.520
But that's how it is sometimes

707
00:44:57.520 --> 00:44:59.980
when you're doing things in ministry all the time.

708
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.420
I am. It's just like, it's just in you, but he doesn't always want that.

709
00:45:04.420 --> 00:45:08.660
And so I have to learn how to, when he's talking to me, ask him, do

710
00:45:08.660 --> 00:45:09.960
you want me to help you with that?

711
00:45:09.960 --> 00:45:13.000
Like, even if he has a dream, I'll try, I'll start interpreting that dream.

712
00:45:13.180 --> 00:45:15.540
And, and he's just like, I just wanted to tell you the dream.

713
00:45:15.980 --> 00:45:19.740
So I'm sharing these funny things with you because even with Brian,

714
00:45:20.060 --> 00:45:23.840
when I'm telling him something, I'm not necessarily telling him

715
00:45:23.840 --> 00:45:25.340
because I want him to fix it.

716
00:45:25.340 --> 00:45:30.040
So gentlemen, ladies don't always want you to fix everything.

717
00:45:30.540 --> 00:45:30.840
Okay.

718
00:45:31.100 --> 00:45:31.820
Super important.

719
00:45:32.020 --> 00:45:32.300
All right.

720
00:45:32.340 --> 00:45:36.100
So we're going to start to transition to the self-trust just for a little

721
00:45:36.100 --> 00:45:39.200
bit, and then I'm going to open the heartwork seat for anyone that has

722
00:45:39.600 --> 00:45:44.200
any questions or anything that's coming to mind tonight that you want to talk

723
00:45:45.400 --> 00:45:49.400
through, um, yes, Brandon, of course.

724
00:45:49.580 --> 00:45:50.140
Yes.

725
00:45:50.140 --> 00:45:54.720
Being excited for someone who challenges you in a good way is it can be a really

726
00:45:54.720 --> 00:45:55.660
empowering thing.

727
00:45:55.780 --> 00:46:00.200
Like I said, he's about to launch a business out of that one conversation.

728
00:46:00.200 --> 00:46:01.460
And that's super exciting.

729
00:46:02.200 --> 00:46:06.200
So some of you might be thinking I've made mistakes before in some of these

730
00:46:06.200 --> 00:46:08.200
areas, or even maybe lately.

731
00:46:08.760 --> 00:46:12.200
So how can I trust myself to make better choices in the future?

732
00:46:12.360 --> 00:46:15.460
And maybe it doesn't relate to the things I've talked about tonight, but

733
00:46:15.460 --> 00:46:17.280
maybe you've just chosen bad.

734
00:46:18.180 --> 00:46:19.780
Um, someone that was really unhealthy.

735
00:46:19.840 --> 00:46:21.300
They ended up cheating on you.

736
00:46:21.300 --> 00:46:27.860
I know you guys know a lot of my story, but, um, I tended to pick people that,

737
00:46:29.040 --> 00:46:33.960
um, just took advantage of me and didn't treat me the way that I needed to be

738
00:46:33.960 --> 00:46:37.000
treated, but I kept allowing myself to be treated that way.

739
00:46:37.120 --> 00:46:42.880
So when I was really honest with myself and with the Lord, what was revealed is

740
00:46:42.880 --> 00:46:48.120
that I didn't actually believe that I was worth more than that.

741
00:46:49.120 --> 00:46:51.020
And that's what had to change.

742
00:46:51.300 --> 00:46:52.740
That's what shifted everything.

743
00:46:53.300 --> 00:46:58.420
So the way that we learn to trust ourselves is, um, we started dressing

744
00:46:58.420 --> 00:47:04.040
these things and start looking at the enemy wants to keep us stuck in shame.

745
00:47:04.540 --> 00:47:08.700
So is the enemy keeping you in shame or guilt or condemnation for

746
00:47:08.700 --> 00:47:09.940
any mistakes you've made before?

747
00:47:10.120 --> 00:47:12.960
If that's still showing up for you, I want to encourage you to seek the Lord

748
00:47:12.960 --> 00:47:17.020
for that, you know, some more healing, probably a little bit more heartwork

749
00:47:17.020 --> 00:47:22.240
is needed in that area because God wants to use all of these experiences that

750
00:47:22.240 --> 00:47:24.640
we've been through to develop wisdom in us.

751
00:47:24.640 --> 00:47:29.660
One of the things that I feel super proud of, even though I'm not proud of being

752
00:47:29.660 --> 00:47:33.940
in that relationship for six years and my prior marriage for 12 that was

753
00:47:33.940 --> 00:47:37.280
abusive and all these things, I'm not proud of those things, but what I am

754
00:47:37.280 --> 00:47:41.420
proud of is I've learned a tremendous amount of stuff from those things.

755
00:47:41.460 --> 00:47:45.820
I took all of that to the Lord and said, can you use this in

756
00:47:45.820 --> 00:47:47.080
me to help other people?

757
00:47:47.340 --> 00:47:50.160
Like I want to use my pain for your purpose, Lord.

758
00:47:50.440 --> 00:47:52.760
And I genuinely prayed that all the time.

759
00:47:52.900 --> 00:47:56.640
And so I'm so grateful that I get to do what I'm doing now.

760
00:47:57.740 --> 00:48:02.880
So growing in discernment and self-trust after a mistake, mistakes don't disqualify

761
00:48:02.880 --> 00:48:06.140
us from wise decisions in the future, ladies and gentlemen.

762
00:48:06.760 --> 00:48:08.600
And I think that's where we get tripped up.

763
00:48:08.640 --> 00:48:12.220
We think if we make a mistake, all of a sudden that we're not able

764
00:48:12.220 --> 00:48:13.860
to make wise decisions anymore.

765
00:48:13.860 --> 00:48:17.740
But all of these things are again, a part of our education and wisdom.

766
00:48:19.380 --> 00:48:22.840
So we have to learn from them rather than continue to carry that shame.

767
00:48:23.280 --> 00:48:24.600
Three practical ideas.

768
00:48:24.980 --> 00:48:27.240
Now I'm not going to go far into teaching on this tonight.

769
00:48:27.320 --> 00:48:33.180
I just want to give you some handles of how you can, like practice learning

770
00:48:33.180 --> 00:48:36.280
to trust yourself more in the days ahead.

771
00:48:36.800 --> 00:48:37.320
Okay.

772
00:48:37.640 --> 00:48:41.380
So I'm going to give you three things that you can practically implement.

773
00:48:41.380 --> 00:48:45.640
Number one, practice the pause and check-in method.

774
00:48:46.080 --> 00:48:46.420
Okay.

775
00:48:47.160 --> 00:48:51.020
The pause and check-in method is, is something like this.

776
00:48:51.640 --> 00:48:52.680
Here's the process.

777
00:48:53.600 --> 00:48:59.060
Before important decisions, pause and ask yourself three questions.

778
00:49:00.540 --> 00:49:02.520
What is my gut telling me?

779
00:49:04.260 --> 00:49:06.320
What does logic suggest?

780
00:49:08.300 --> 00:49:10.080
And what aligns with my values?

781
00:49:12.720 --> 00:49:14.500
What is my gut telling me?

782
00:49:15.060 --> 00:49:16.440
What does logic suggest?

783
00:49:17.320 --> 00:49:18.480
What aligns with my values?

784
00:49:18.920 --> 00:49:22.480
Now you all, you know, that we've been talking for a few months in this

785
00:49:22.480 --> 00:49:25.600
community about, we don't want to over-spiritualize everything.

786
00:49:25.760 --> 00:49:29.220
Some of you all are getting way off course because you're looking for

787
00:49:29.220 --> 00:49:31.580
these signs constantly from the Lord.

788
00:49:31.860 --> 00:49:35.200
And if God gives me this sign, then they're the one y'all we got to,

789
00:49:35.240 --> 00:49:37.140
we got to get away from that.

790
00:49:38.780 --> 00:49:40.880
Wisdom is going to be your ally.

791
00:49:41.480 --> 00:49:42.600
And so is peace.

792
00:49:43.500 --> 00:49:44.640
Let peace be your guide.

793
00:49:45.600 --> 00:49:45.840
Okay.

794
00:49:46.560 --> 00:49:52.260
The practice is we start small, low stakes decisions, and then we build

795
00:49:52.260 --> 00:49:56.860
confidence and trusting ourselves with those, and then we get a little bit

796
00:49:56.860 --> 00:49:59.980
bigger in those kinds of decisions that we're making, and that will.

797
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:01.520
grow more confidence as well.

798
00:50:01.960 --> 00:50:04.160
So for example, you know,

799
00:50:04.440 --> 00:50:06.500
it doesn't always have to be romantic related,

800
00:50:06.700 --> 00:50:07.300
ladies and gentlemen.

801
00:50:07.800 --> 00:50:10.280
You know, if you're trying to pause and check in

802
00:50:10.280 --> 00:50:12.120
about a decision to take a new job

803
00:50:12.120 --> 00:50:15.260
or to move to a new city, start small.

804
00:50:15.800 --> 00:50:17.240
Jackie coached someone on this before,

805
00:50:17.240 --> 00:50:19.200
instead of just like up and moving,

806
00:50:19.480 --> 00:50:23.000
you might wanna take a trip to that area in that town.

807
00:50:23.500 --> 00:50:25.740
You know, there's a lot of people that even say like,

808
00:50:26.440 --> 00:50:28.300
this is church related, but this can apply

809
00:50:28.300 --> 00:50:30.300
if you're considering moving to a new place

810
00:50:31.520 --> 00:50:35.100
that we should drive around and test the spirits.

811
00:50:35.640 --> 00:50:36.520
What does that mean?

812
00:50:36.520 --> 00:50:38.420
Well, we drive around and we pray.

813
00:50:39.660 --> 00:50:40.700
What do we experience?

814
00:50:40.800 --> 00:50:42.860
Like, what is God saying to us about that area?

815
00:50:42.960 --> 00:50:46.360
Is he saying, yes, like, yes, there's grace here.

816
00:50:46.480 --> 00:50:47.460
Yes, there's peace here.

817
00:50:47.460 --> 00:50:49.120
Or do you show up and you're just like,

818
00:50:49.480 --> 00:50:51.480
oh, something doesn't feel right here.

819
00:50:52.960 --> 00:50:54.780
Okay, those are the kinds of things that we can do.

820
00:50:54.780 --> 00:50:55.740
And that's just one idea.

821
00:50:55.740 --> 00:50:58.780
But, you know, maybe it's before that step,

822
00:50:58.820 --> 00:51:01.660
you start looking up some stuff online about that place.

823
00:51:02.600 --> 00:51:04.640
Do you, you know, what are some things to do there?

824
00:51:04.800 --> 00:51:07.220
What are, you know, what churches are there?

825
00:51:07.220 --> 00:51:08.120
All that kind of stuff.

826
00:51:08.220 --> 00:51:11.720
Okay, the purpose, distinguish between fear-based reactions

827
00:51:11.720 --> 00:51:12.780
and genuine wisdom.

828
00:51:13.140 --> 00:51:16.320
So if we tend to be very fear-based,

829
00:51:17.280 --> 00:51:20.360
we might wanna write down a couple things again,

830
00:51:20.900 --> 00:51:22.460
that we can, those three questions,

831
00:51:22.660 --> 00:51:24.460
what's my gut telling me, what's logic,

832
00:51:24.460 --> 00:51:26.180
what are aligning with my value,

833
00:51:26.300 --> 00:51:28.540
but maybe we might have a couple other checkpoints

834
00:51:28.760 --> 00:51:31.460
if we're someone that tends to partner with a lot of fear.

835
00:51:32.140 --> 00:51:35.240
Number two idea, keep a decision journal.

836
00:51:36.800 --> 00:51:38.440
Here's what you would track in your journal.

837
00:51:38.860 --> 00:51:40.100
And I know a lot of guys,

838
00:51:40.260 --> 00:51:41.580
cause my husband's this way,

839
00:51:41.980 --> 00:51:43.500
he's like, I don't like to journal.

840
00:51:43.980 --> 00:51:47.200
Well, everybody can learn how to do something.

841
00:51:47.260 --> 00:51:49.280
If you really want to help yourself,

842
00:51:49.460 --> 00:51:51.800
and this is something that you're willing to try,

843
00:51:51.840 --> 00:51:52.800
I think it could help you.

844
00:51:52.800 --> 00:51:54.400
Here's what you're gonna track.

845
00:51:54.580 --> 00:51:56.360
You're gonna track your decisions,

846
00:51:57.780 --> 00:52:01.720
but you're also gonna track, excuse me, track the outcomes.

847
00:52:02.360 --> 00:52:06.660
So for example, if you make a decision to go on a trip,

848
00:52:07.800 --> 00:52:09.420
what was the outcome?

849
00:52:11.060 --> 00:52:12.500
Did you have fun?

850
00:52:13.080 --> 00:52:14.460
Did you enjoy the experience?

851
00:52:15.420 --> 00:52:18.080
Did you go into the negative red

852
00:52:18.080 --> 00:52:19.560
because you spent money on a trip

853
00:52:19.560 --> 00:52:20.920
that you maybe shouldn't have spent?

854
00:52:21.760 --> 00:52:24.060
You know, so let's not just talk about the fun.

855
00:52:24.400 --> 00:52:27.900
Let's look at all the outcomes of that thing, okay?

856
00:52:28.980 --> 00:52:31.200
What were the factors that you considered

857
00:52:31.200 --> 00:52:32.740
before you made that decision?

858
00:52:33.080 --> 00:52:35.740
You know, were you looking at the pros and the cons?

859
00:52:37.180 --> 00:52:40.940
What were the feelings that you had before the decision,

860
00:52:41.820 --> 00:52:44.360
during the decision, and after the decision?

861
00:52:44.460 --> 00:52:49.100
How many of us actually take that long of a time

862
00:52:49.100 --> 00:52:51.540
to pay attention to the feelings that we're having

863
00:52:51.620 --> 00:52:53.000
regarding decisions that we're making?

864
00:52:53.200 --> 00:52:55.000
Now, some decisions have to be made fast.

865
00:52:55.060 --> 00:52:56.160
You know, I get it.

866
00:52:56.740 --> 00:52:59.320
But are we dialing in and actually paying attention

867
00:52:59.320 --> 00:53:00.860
to what's going on inside of us

868
00:53:00.860 --> 00:53:02.120
as we're making these decisions?

869
00:53:02.400 --> 00:53:04.340
I saw this TV show.

870
00:53:04.440 --> 00:53:05.500
I won't even tell you all which one,

871
00:53:05.660 --> 00:53:06.800
but like, it was so funny,

872
00:53:06.840 --> 00:53:08.960
this episode the other night, these ladies,

873
00:53:09.080 --> 00:53:10.560
there were three ladies in the show,

874
00:53:10.720 --> 00:53:12.520
and they all were getting these hiccups

875
00:53:12.520 --> 00:53:14.940
and the constant hiccups for, you know, days.

876
00:53:15.080 --> 00:53:18.700
And they all got them because there was something in them

877
00:53:18.700 --> 00:53:23.260
that they like needed to say, but were afraid to say it.

878
00:53:23.540 --> 00:53:24.800
And I know this is a little different,

879
00:53:24.880 --> 00:53:27.300
but it's almost kind of like, you know,

880
00:53:27.300 --> 00:53:30.220
these pent up feelings show up in us in different ways.

881
00:53:30.280 --> 00:53:32.680
And sometimes when we're not looking at the way

882
00:53:32.680 --> 00:53:34.820
our feelings are when we're making decisions,

883
00:53:34.920 --> 00:53:38.320
at some point, those can also come to the surface

884
00:53:38.320 --> 00:53:39.620
when we least expect it.

885
00:53:40.040 --> 00:53:41.000
So here's the evidence.

886
00:53:41.080 --> 00:53:42.960
You're gonna track the evidence of your decision,

887
00:53:43.820 --> 00:53:45.000
create proof of growth,

888
00:53:46.540 --> 00:53:49.260
and identifies decision-making patterns.

889
00:53:51.480 --> 00:53:52.980
Creates proof of growth

890
00:53:53.440 --> 00:53:55.780
and identifies decision-making patterns.

891
00:53:55.900 --> 00:53:58.000
So as you see it literally on paper,

892
00:53:58.140 --> 00:54:01.720
you're gonna start to have the evidence of like,

893
00:54:02.120 --> 00:54:04.060
okay, like when I make decisions,

894
00:54:04.680 --> 00:54:06.660
these are some of the things that typically happen,

895
00:54:06.940 --> 00:54:09.720
especially when I make decisions regarding

896
00:54:10.400 --> 00:54:12.740
going out with friends or, you know,

897
00:54:12.800 --> 00:54:14.680
what up going on dates or, you know,

898
00:54:14.680 --> 00:54:15.980
whatever that is for you.

899
00:54:16.680 --> 00:54:18.920
You wanna include both successful decisions

900
00:54:19.020 --> 00:54:20.720
and your learning experiences.

901
00:54:21.180 --> 00:54:23.560
So again, remember, it's not just the decisions

902
00:54:23.560 --> 00:54:26.100
that were really great, that worked out well,

903
00:54:26.140 --> 00:54:27.560
you wanna also look at the ones

904
00:54:27.560 --> 00:54:28.900
that didn't turn out so well.

905
00:54:29.360 --> 00:54:31.560
And then the mindset, processing decisions

906
00:54:31.560 --> 00:54:33.980
and allowing God to heal you as you grow.

907
00:54:35.500 --> 00:54:37.980
I know that I've joked about this before as well,

908
00:54:38.060 --> 00:54:40.280
but it keeps coming up and so I'm gonna share it.

909
00:54:40.360 --> 00:54:44.000
So when I was dating before I even met Brian,

910
00:54:44.000 --> 00:54:45.800
but he was one of the people on the board.

911
00:54:46.700 --> 00:54:50.740
I literally, because in the past I had dated someone

912
00:54:50.740 --> 00:54:52.960
and got super fixed on them

913
00:54:53.000 --> 00:54:54.760
and then they were not healthy people.

914
00:54:55.080 --> 00:54:57.140
So when I was going through my process,

915
00:54:57.280 --> 00:54:59.980
I wanted to see on paper, like for my.

916
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:06.300
Myself, the pros and the cons, the good stuff, then maybe red flags or yellow, all that stuff.

917
00:55:06.520 --> 00:55:11.880
And so I just had a poster board and I had a section for each guy that I was talking

918
00:55:12.080 --> 00:55:14.320
to and I would, I gave them nicknames.

919
00:55:14.360 --> 00:55:17.160
And then I wrote things that were good that I noticed.

920
00:55:17.180 --> 00:55:19.240
I noted, I wrote like yellow flags.

921
00:55:19.240 --> 00:55:22.740
I wrote like certain dates that we went on and how that went.

922
00:55:22.800 --> 00:55:24.540
How did I feel on that date?

923
00:55:24.540 --> 00:55:29.560
So for example, the one guy that was a worship leader sounded really great.

924
00:55:30.260 --> 00:55:35.620
Every time I was with him, he always tried to push the bar a little bit about, he never

925
00:55:35.620 --> 00:55:38.020
like was like, Hey, come have sex with me.

926
00:55:38.020 --> 00:55:42.960
But he was like, you know, what kind of sexy lingerie do you wear to bed at night?

927
00:55:43.300 --> 00:55:46.620
No dude, I'm not going to talk to you about, I literally said that to him.

928
00:55:46.740 --> 00:55:48.660
I'm not going to talk to you about those things.

929
00:55:48.760 --> 00:55:52.100
So then we go on this date and he's like, you know, can I kiss you?

930
00:55:52.160 --> 00:55:52.940
And no.

931
00:55:53.220 --> 00:55:54.140
Can I hold your hand?

932
00:55:54.140 --> 00:55:55.460
No, I'm not comfortable with that.

933
00:55:55.680 --> 00:55:56.660
And y'all, I wasn't being a prude.

934
00:55:56.740 --> 00:55:58.140
I just wasn't comfortable around the guy.

935
00:55:59.000 --> 00:56:02.160
And I wasn't in an exclusive relationship with him.

936
00:56:02.680 --> 00:56:07.480
But then like the next thing he did is, you know, we were doing those questions where,

937
00:56:07.540 --> 00:56:08.840
you know, you're supposed to have fun.

938
00:56:08.940 --> 00:56:11.280
Well, guess what questions he went right to?

939
00:56:11.960 --> 00:56:13.540
Of course the sexual ones.

940
00:56:13.800 --> 00:56:17.520
And so I just was like, you know, I think it's, I think we've had a great time.

941
00:56:17.520 --> 00:56:19.580
And I just kind of figured out how to end that night.

942
00:56:19.580 --> 00:56:21.700
And I called it like, that was it.

943
00:56:21.700 --> 00:56:25.600
Because that was like the third offense after I'd already said multiple times, I'm like,

944
00:56:25.660 --> 00:56:29.160
this guy's just trying to press these boundaries over and over and over again.

945
00:56:29.320 --> 00:56:36.680
So if he's doing that when I'm dating him, before we're even exclusive, he's going to

946
00:56:36.680 --> 00:56:38.140
do this more and more and more.

947
00:56:38.220 --> 00:56:41.280
And I've been in that boat before and I didn't want to be in that boat again.

948
00:56:42.020 --> 00:56:45.260
So yes, I tracked that on my poster board.

949
00:56:45.260 --> 00:56:51.200
So it helped me see very visually how I felt and thought about these experiences.

950
00:56:51.660 --> 00:56:53.340
Instead of trying to keep it all up here.

951
00:56:53.380 --> 00:56:57.540
I don't know if any of you are like me, but man, stuff can go just like roll around in

952
00:56:57.540 --> 00:57:00.020
here and roll around in here and it just can really consume.

953
00:57:00.460 --> 00:57:03.980
And so if I get it out on paper, it can really help a lot.

954
00:57:04.300 --> 00:57:09.420
So here's number three, the accountability partner review method, okay?

955
00:57:10.200 --> 00:57:11.840
Here's the setup for it.

956
00:57:11.840 --> 00:57:17.660
You find a trusted friend, a mentor or coach who knows your relationship patterns and past

957
00:57:17.660 --> 00:57:18.040
mistakes.

958
00:57:18.680 --> 00:57:22.740
Hey, last year single community is really amazing for this.

959
00:57:23.560 --> 00:57:29.920
But also I really encourage you all and you all please pick someone who is going to be

960
00:57:29.920 --> 00:57:32.820
accountable, like really hold you accountable to things.

961
00:57:33.040 --> 00:57:36.600
Not just they tell you what you want to hear, okay?

962
00:57:36.600 --> 00:57:44.840
And then before you pursue someone new or make a major relationship decision, have an

963
00:57:44.840 --> 00:57:50.160
honest conversation with this person about what you are seeing and feeling in this relationship.

964
00:57:51.360 --> 00:57:55.100
Here are some of the questions that you would ask your accountability partner.

965
00:57:56.980 --> 00:57:59.480
What patterns do you see me repeating?

966
00:58:01.060 --> 00:58:03.420
What patterns do you see me repeating?

967
00:58:05.040 --> 00:58:09.600
Are any of you the kind of people that you start to get to know someone and then you

968
00:58:09.600 --> 00:58:11.400
just pull away real quick?

969
00:58:11.820 --> 00:58:15.120
If they even slightly, like maybe there's something good about them and then you get

970
00:58:15.120 --> 00:58:19.020
scared and pull away, well, maybe that's one of the things that your accountability partner

971
00:58:19.020 --> 00:58:20.120
can point out to you.

972
00:58:20.260 --> 00:58:22.840
Because maybe you don't even recognize it about yourself.

973
00:58:23.580 --> 00:58:24.560
Here's another one.

974
00:58:24.920 --> 00:58:28.540
Am I being realistic about this person and or situation?

975
00:58:28.540 --> 00:58:34.040
Am I being realistic about this person and or situation?

976
00:58:35.380 --> 00:58:36.900
Here's the third one.

977
00:58:37.420 --> 00:58:41.760
What blind spots might I have right now?

978
00:58:44.400 --> 00:58:45.360
Yeah, Gwen.

979
00:58:45.840 --> 00:58:49.260
Yeah, people want to ask you to cuddle and they don't even know your name.

980
00:58:49.800 --> 00:58:50.440
See you later.

981
00:58:51.780 --> 00:58:55.400
Bless you and just keep moving because they are not for you, you all, okay?

982
00:58:56.800 --> 00:58:57.940
Let's see here.

983
00:58:59.100 --> 00:59:01.560
I'm going to speak to the men here for just a minute.

984
00:59:02.080 --> 00:59:07.880
Men often process externally and benefit from trusted male perspectives.

985
00:59:08.140 --> 00:59:09.600
This is for the most part.

986
00:59:10.160 --> 00:59:18.460
If you are a man that had really bad dynamics with your dad, you are going to be a guy that

987
00:59:18.460 --> 00:59:23.580
is attracted to having a lot of friends that are girls, okay?

988
00:59:23.580 --> 00:59:27.860
That's not super healthy when you want to end up with a spirit mate.

989
00:59:28.440 --> 00:59:33.760
Because your spirit mate isn't going to want to share all of you with that, okay?

990
00:59:33.980 --> 00:59:39.400
And so for the men that this might be you, hopefully there's not any guys in that situation,

991
00:59:39.540 --> 00:59:41.600
but I know that we've had men like that in the past.

992
00:59:42.000 --> 00:59:48.200
I really want to encourage you to work on growing your male friend base.

993
00:59:49.760 --> 00:59:51.180
Same thing with my ladies.

994
00:59:51.640 --> 00:59:55.620
If you have a bunch of friends that are guys, but you're just like,

995
00:59:55.660 --> 00:59:56.820
yeah, I don't get along with ladies.

996
00:59:57.100 --> 00:59:58.100
I don't get along with women.

997
00:59:58.380 --> 00:59:59.660
So I just have guy friends.

998
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:03.880
Well, shouldn't we look at what's causing that?

999
01:00:04.800 --> 01:00:06.060
Where did that start in us?

1000
01:00:06.780 --> 01:00:08.220
Was it something with our mom?

1001
01:00:08.480 --> 01:00:09.700
Was it something with our sisters?

1002
01:00:10.360 --> 01:00:13.020
Did we get hurt by a friend in the past and we just decided?

1003
01:00:13.640 --> 01:00:15.760
Or maybe we just grew up and we had a lot of brothers

1004
01:00:15.760 --> 01:00:17.800
and that's not our fault, but maybe we just

1005
01:00:17.900 --> 01:00:20.280
maybe we don't know how to relate to other girls.

1006
01:00:21.520 --> 01:00:23.520
Let's get to the root of these things

1007
01:00:23.520 --> 01:00:26.520
instead of just existing and continuing in these behaviors.

1008
01:00:27.320 --> 01:00:28.640
All right, here's another thing.

1009
01:00:28.640 --> 01:00:32.080
You want to make this accountability partner

1010
01:00:32.080 --> 01:00:34.100
and practice a part of your standard

1011
01:00:34.100 --> 01:00:35.780
part of dating and relationship

1012
01:00:36.260 --> 01:00:39.820
and not just in crisis times, okay?

1013
01:00:41.880 --> 01:00:43.580
You want to start small.

1014
01:00:44.260 --> 01:00:46.740
Remember, trust rebuilds through consistent

1015
01:00:46.800 --> 01:00:48.420
small acts of good judgment.

1016
01:00:48.540 --> 01:00:51.280
And I also think it's really important to mention right now.

1017
01:00:51.920 --> 01:00:54.380
If we say that we're going to do something

1018
01:00:54.560 --> 01:00:56.600
and then we don't do it,

1019
01:00:56.600 --> 01:00:59.020
we're actually breaking our own word,

1020
01:01:00.180 --> 01:01:02.020
which causes us not to trust ourselves,

1021
01:01:02.200 --> 01:01:03.420
whether we realize it or not.

1022
01:01:03.840 --> 01:01:05.420
And this can even be in small things.

1023
01:01:05.420 --> 01:01:08.020
Like we say we're going to work out and then we don't.

1024
01:01:08.400 --> 01:01:09.460
We say we're going to go.

1025
01:01:09.840 --> 01:01:11.560
I had a lady in Hartworth.

1026
01:01:11.760 --> 01:01:14.400
She was saying, you know, she keeps telling her family

1027
01:01:14.400 --> 01:01:16.460
she's going to travel back to China to visit them,

1028
01:01:16.480 --> 01:01:17.580
but then she never goes.

1029
01:01:17.800 --> 01:01:21.360
And so now her family feels like you don't keep your word

1030
01:01:21.360 --> 01:01:22.340
and they're upset with her.

1031
01:01:22.980 --> 01:01:26.020
Well, I mean, there's reasons why she's not going back.

1032
01:01:26.020 --> 01:01:26.040
And so she's saying,

1033
01:01:26.040 --> 01:01:26.040


1034
01:01:26.040 --> 01:01:26.040


1035
01:01:26.040 --> 01:01:26.040


1036
01:01:26.060 --> 01:01:27.280
Instead of just saying,

1037
01:01:27.320 --> 01:01:29.520
I'm not ready to come and visit right now.

1038
01:01:29.680 --> 01:01:31.000
I have some heart healing.

1039
01:01:31.180 --> 01:01:33.080
I need to do whether they understand or not.

1040
01:01:33.300 --> 01:01:34.100
That's up to them.

1041
01:01:34.440 --> 01:01:35.960
That's that's their problem.

1042
01:01:36.340 --> 01:01:39.040
But she's not being honest and she just keeps saying,

1043
01:01:39.120 --> 01:01:39.960
I'm going to come.

1044
01:01:40.620 --> 01:01:41.640
And then she doesn't.

1045
01:01:41.840 --> 01:01:43.580
So she's breaking her word every time.

1046
01:01:44.480 --> 01:01:46.020
So we need to keep our word.

1047
01:01:46.300 --> 01:01:47.780
We need to be honest with ourselves,

1048
01:01:47.960 --> 01:01:48.940
know what our values are.

1049
01:01:48.940 --> 01:01:51.040
We need to be patient with ourselves as well.

1050
01:01:51.320 --> 01:01:53.320
Don't wait for a perfect decision.

1051
01:01:54.620 --> 01:01:55.720
To restore your confidence.

1052
01:01:56.200 --> 01:01:57.700
Remember Jackie talks about this all the time.

1053
01:01:58.120 --> 01:02:00.160
We want to take in perfect action.

1054
01:02:00.520 --> 01:02:03.880
So allow God to heal you as you, as you go.

1055
01:02:03.900 --> 01:02:07.340
You're going to start to learn how to trust yourself more when you make

1056
01:02:07.340 --> 01:02:09.460
different decisions than you did in the past too.

1057
01:02:09.980 --> 01:02:10.580
So for example,

1058
01:02:10.580 --> 01:02:14.940
this last time around when I was dating and I was really taking time to

1059
01:02:15.000 --> 01:02:17.780
Think through these people and these situations and,

1060
01:02:18.340 --> 01:02:21.960
and instead of just going right past red flags with somebody that wasn't

1061
01:02:21.960 --> 01:02:22.400
healthy.

1062
01:02:23.060 --> 01:02:26.300
Guess what I started. I started trusting myself a lot.

1063
01:02:26.560 --> 01:02:29.420
It felt really good to like, think through those things.

1064
01:02:29.880 --> 01:02:32.000
And sometimes I came into the group and was like, Hey,

1065
01:02:32.040 --> 01:02:33.160
what do y'all think about this?

1066
01:02:33.520 --> 01:02:36.340
I mean, that's what we do and it helps. Right.

1067
01:02:36.980 --> 01:02:40.200
Okay. So I hope that was really helpful for you, for you all.

1068
01:02:40.360 --> 01:02:43.960
I want you to think about the ministry moment as well regarding again,

1069
01:02:43.960 --> 01:02:48.640
like God doesn't waste our mistakes kind of bringing this part to that kind

1070
01:02:48.640 --> 01:02:49.180
of close.

1071
01:02:50.100 --> 01:02:53.540
He uses them to develop the discernment we need for the relationships that

1072
01:02:53.540 --> 01:02:56.100
he's preparing for us.

1073
01:02:56.600 --> 01:03:01.260
So what mistakes have you made that you are still allowing to define you or

1074
01:03:01.260 --> 01:03:04.040
hold you back or things that other people did to you.

1075
01:03:04.460 --> 01:03:08.320
Those don't define you. They don't have to define you and hold you back.

1076
01:03:08.720 --> 01:03:13.260
So today is the day that we move forward and we really think through like,

1077
01:03:13.260 --> 01:03:14.920
how are we approaching these relationships?

1078
01:03:15.260 --> 01:03:16.820
How are we looking at people again?

1079
01:03:17.260 --> 01:03:20.100
Are you looking for someone to fill this void that's in here?

1080
01:03:20.340 --> 01:03:24.940
Cause only one person can fill that and it's God himself. Okay.

1081
01:03:25.400 --> 01:03:27.860
All right. So I'm going to open the heartwork seat again.

1082
01:03:27.920 --> 01:03:30.180
It can be about the content that I covered tonight.

1083
01:03:30.560 --> 01:03:33.120
It can be about another question that you have.

1084
01:03:33.120 --> 01:03:35.980
If you're just not sure how to process something that you're going through,

1085
01:03:36.100 --> 01:03:39.080
if you've never been on a advanced heartwork session, it's,

1086
01:03:39.220 --> 01:03:41.200
it's kind of similar to when you went through the heartwork.

1087
01:03:41.200 --> 01:03:45.720
So you can ask any question and I'll do my best to help you kind of process

1088
01:03:45.740 --> 01:03:49.500
that through. Amaka, is it Amaka? I'm so sorry. I can't remember.

1089
01:03:53.720 --> 01:03:58.740
Correct. I'm sorry. I don't have my video on. I'm on my phone. Yeah.

1090
01:03:58.740 --> 01:04:01.200
So one of the things that I've been walking through,

1091
01:04:01.960 --> 01:04:07.680
which is very related to what we talked about is the more I've read through

1092
01:04:07.680 --> 01:04:09.420
the content and gone through the course,

1093
01:04:09.420 --> 01:04:12.520
I realized that I don't really know what a wife is,

1094
01:04:12.720 --> 01:04:17.920
which is interesting because like you think, you know,

1095
01:04:17.940 --> 01:04:20.360
like even when you're a child, you've seen a lot of families.

1096
01:04:20.400 --> 01:04:23.620
I grew up in a family. There was a wife there.

1097
01:04:24.500 --> 01:04:26.580
And sitting with the Holy spirit,

1098
01:04:27.160 --> 01:04:31.740
I've realized that the dynamic in my home was such that my mom was a

1099
01:04:31.740 --> 01:04:35.420
daughter instead of a wife. And I don't know if that, that makes sense.

1100
01:04:35.460 --> 01:04:37.960
If I need to go into that. Yeah, exactly.

1101
01:04:37.960 --> 01:04:42.300
So my dad was very bossy and my mom was just very subservient.

1102
01:04:43.480 --> 01:04:47.440
And I think I've seen that in the dynamics of my relationship with men as

1103
01:04:47.440 --> 01:04:51.700
well, where I tend to lean towards men that tell me,

1104
01:04:52.140 --> 01:04:55.200
it's almost like I try to get approval from men a lot.

1105
01:04:55.260 --> 01:04:57.780
And that was the case in my last engagement as well,

1106
01:04:58.000 --> 01:04:59.440
that lasted longer than it should.

1107
01:04:59.500 --> 01:04:59.980
And I thought that.

1108
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:05.540
was healthy. And so I'm at the point where I'm like am I ever going to be ready to be married

1109
01:05:05.540 --> 01:05:12.580
because I'm realizing that I don't know a lot of things. And also the topic that you covered today

1110
01:05:12.580 --> 01:05:17.240
was just very spot on because it's what I've been working through the last four weeks specifically

1111
01:05:17.580 --> 01:05:23.660
around like how do I make that shift into actually understanding like what my role is

1112
01:05:24.220 --> 01:05:31.960
as a life that I want to be so that I'm not like in a situation that I'm not ready for

1113
01:05:31.960 --> 01:05:36.520
or that I thought I was ready for and I'm just stressing the other person out you know.

1114
01:05:37.160 --> 01:05:44.480
Yeah well first let me say this I totally think that you can be a wife and that you can learn

1115
01:05:44.480 --> 01:05:51.480
as you go because I'll tell you what like there's things I'm still figuring out on how to be a great

1116
01:05:51.480 --> 01:05:57.060
you know easer and helper to my husband and to run a house sometimes it gets overwhelming like

1117
01:05:57.460 --> 01:06:02.880
my mom didn't teach me a lot about how to take care of a house I just kind of my grandma did

1118
01:06:02.880 --> 01:06:07.780
some stuff but I've tried to pick things up along the way learn from other people and then the other

1119
01:06:07.780 --> 01:06:14.160
thing I just want to say is that you know this community has a bunch of people that have now

1120
01:06:14.160 --> 01:06:22.000
married and are wives now and you know I hope one day that we will have more like we do the

1121
01:06:22.000 --> 01:06:26.100
love stories you know and you guys hear their love story but I would love to see even you know

1122
01:06:26.100 --> 01:06:29.960
some of those people coming back and pouring in and like just even sharing like what they've

1123
01:06:29.960 --> 01:06:36.860
learned about being a wife or a husband or whatever but until then I would highly recommend

1124
01:06:37.420 --> 01:06:43.560
you know even thinking about in your life right now where you live do you have any couples in

1125
01:06:43.560 --> 01:06:50.500
your life that have healthy marriages and you know spending some time with the wife and just

1126
01:06:50.500 --> 01:06:56.180
talking to her and and you kind of learning some of the ins and outs of things now doesn't mean

1127
01:06:56.180 --> 01:07:00.940
that you'll become everything that they are that you even have to be but again it's about hearing

1128
01:07:01.440 --> 01:07:07.480
different people's ways of life and and deciding is that something that I want in my marriage

1129
01:07:08.120 --> 01:07:13.460
is that the kind of wife I want to be or do I want to do something different so just like

1130
01:07:13.860 --> 01:07:21.180
parenting like I knew that as I became a parent I I didn't want to do things the way my mom did

1131
01:07:21.180 --> 01:07:26.840
them in a lot of ways like I want to I wanted to be a different kind of mom and so when not only

1132
01:07:26.840 --> 01:07:33.720
with my stepson but my spiritual daughters like I I genuinely am like very invested and very

1133
01:07:33.860 --> 01:07:39.880
intentional to pour into them and and I love my mom my mom I really do think with what she had

1134
01:07:39.880 --> 01:07:46.800
did the best that she could but the things that she would say that were mean and stuff like I was

1135
01:07:46.800 --> 01:07:53.260
like I don't want to ever do that to my kids you know and so it's like taking what what is good

1136
01:07:53.260 --> 01:07:59.900
what we think is valuable and implementing those things and learn like growing again it's just like

1137
01:07:59.900 --> 01:08:05.260
a toddler you know how do we learn how to ride a bike well a lot of times we they have training

1138
01:08:05.260 --> 01:08:11.300
wheels on them first right and then once we gain confidence then the training wheels tend to come

1139
01:08:11.300 --> 01:08:17.140
off and then we get a little older and we learn how to ride a bigger bike and so I want you to

1140
01:08:17.140 --> 01:08:22.100
know that even learning how to become a wife can be very similar you know and the training wheels

1141
01:08:22.100 --> 01:08:28.200
in my opinion would be having a good community around you even before you become married that

1142
01:08:28.200 --> 01:08:34.859
you know you're learning like I said from other wives and people that are healthy and then having

1143
01:08:34.859 --> 01:08:39.260
that support system around you when you are married whether that's you know whether you move

1144
01:08:39.260 --> 01:08:45.279
one day into that or or whatever that looks like but community in every phase of our life is really

1145
01:08:45.359 --> 01:08:51.220
huge you all I know that's super helpful I think for me there there isn't a lot of healthy examples

1146
01:08:51.240 --> 01:08:56.680
around I will have to like go outside of my comfort zone to find them which I will be doing

1147
01:08:56.680 --> 01:09:03.300
by God's grace one last follow-on question will be did you ever find yourself like because as a

1148
01:09:03.300 --> 01:09:08.060
woman you have this tendency to nurture and if you're not careful you could easily switch into

1149
01:09:08.060 --> 01:09:13.300
like being a mom to your partner which is something that I've done in romantic relationships in the

1150
01:09:13.300 --> 01:09:21.240
past so how do you manage that line because it can be very thin yeah um I think yeah I think I'm

1151
01:09:21.439 --> 01:09:32.300
growing in that honestly um I really try not to tell him what to do okay there's a difference

1152
01:09:32.300 --> 01:09:39.220
between like that day when I approached him about him considering doing the lift I was speaking into

1153
01:09:39.220 --> 01:09:44.960
like hey I see this about like I see this quality in you I see these capabilities in you and I would

1154
01:09:45.240 --> 01:09:56.040
to see you walk in that but if you really want to do lift I'll support you 100% versus like for

1155
01:09:56.040 --> 01:09:59.860
example he's a gamer okay I know some of you ladies don't think

1156
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:03.300
I mean, it's cool, but whatever, he's, he's amazing.

1157
01:10:03.380 --> 01:10:06.700
And that's something that helps him de-stress and I, I just don't judge

1158
01:10:06.700 --> 01:10:11.860
him because I have things I like to do to de-stress like puzzles and, and stuff.

1159
01:10:12.620 --> 01:10:18.280
But, you know, if he's in a place where I noticed he's playing the game, maybe

1160
01:10:18.300 --> 01:10:21.180
more than I would like him to, to do.

1161
01:10:22.040 --> 01:10:24.940
I don't nag him about that because here's the reality.

1162
01:10:24.940 --> 01:10:30.220
I know that there's times when I get in the puzzle zone and I'm, I do that.

1163
01:10:30.280 --> 01:10:32.520
I tend to do that when I'm really stressed too, and I'll

1164
01:10:32.520 --> 01:10:34.540
just go for hours on this thing.

1165
01:10:35.000 --> 01:10:38.500
And if I give him grace, he gives like, it's mutual.

1166
01:10:38.800 --> 01:10:43.000
Now, if I really wanted to spend time with him or whatever, like all I have to

1167
01:10:43.000 --> 01:10:46.700
do is say something and I mean, it's not like he's going to put that game in

1168
01:10:46.700 --> 01:10:50.060
front of me and I'm not going to put my puzzle in front of him, but there's

1169
01:10:50.060 --> 01:10:57.120
freedom in us being able to have like things that we enjoy and do without that

1170
01:10:57.120 --> 01:10:59.640
other person constantly feeling upset about it.

1171
01:10:59.720 --> 01:11:02.340
Um, so that's, that's a couple of light examples.

1172
01:11:02.520 --> 01:11:10.760
I would also say that, um, I try not to like parent him

1173
01:11:10.760 --> 01:11:12.320
in decisions in the church.

1174
01:11:12.400 --> 01:11:16.660
That's a big thing where I noticed that tries to show up because I sometimes

1175
01:11:16.660 --> 01:11:19.920
worry about how people are going to treat him with certain things.

1176
01:11:20.060 --> 01:11:25.360
Um, but the reality is, is he's a man and he's capable of making those decisions

1177
01:11:25.420 --> 01:11:30.440
and handling whatever happens if, you know, it goes great or if people.

1178
01:11:31.060 --> 01:11:32.480
Don't like it or whatever.

1179
01:11:32.980 --> 01:11:35.400
So it might show up for you in different ways.

1180
01:11:35.500 --> 01:11:38.780
Um, so I would, I would encourage you to look out where does that tend

1181
01:11:38.780 --> 01:11:40.360
to show up for you in relationships?

1182
01:11:40.480 --> 01:11:44.400
Like, what are the things that you tended to maybe harp on them about

1183
01:11:44.400 --> 01:11:45.820
or try to parent them in?

1184
01:11:45.820 --> 01:11:50.860
And then is it because the men that you were attracting weren't masculine and

1185
01:11:50.860 --> 01:11:56.220
mature in those areas, or is it that you need healing regarding things in your

1186
01:11:56.220 --> 01:12:02.520
own life that caused you to say that to them a lot, the Bible talks about a

1187
01:12:02.520 --> 01:12:05.920
nagging wife is like a dripping, I forget how it says it, but like, you know,

1188
01:12:05.920 --> 01:12:08.260
it's just like that drip, drip, drip, drip.

1189
01:12:08.260 --> 01:12:13.660
And so we, we really want to, yeah, not partner with kind of those behaviors.

1190
01:12:13.660 --> 01:12:18.480
But again, there are times where I also love to offer the flip side of that is

1191
01:12:18.480 --> 01:12:25.580
when we feel heard as women, gentlemen, when we actually feel heard, we won't

1192
01:12:25.640 --> 01:12:29.720
tend for the most part, I'm not saying never, but for the most part, we won't

1193
01:12:29.720 --> 01:12:31.340
tend to keep saying that thing.

1194
01:12:32.520 --> 01:12:34.800
So there's the balance side of that.

1195
01:12:35.640 --> 01:12:36.100
Thank you.

1196
01:12:36.280 --> 01:12:36.740
You're welcome.

1197
01:12:36.960 --> 01:12:37.640
Great question.

1198
01:12:38.640 --> 01:12:40.240
All right, Dawn, go ahead.

1199
01:12:41.900 --> 01:12:43.140
Hey, hi, Bethany.

1200
01:12:43.140 --> 01:12:48.400
Yeah, I wanted to go ahead and share about the number one pattern, which has

1201
01:12:48.400 --> 01:12:52.700
been so prevalent all my life was the first one and I've been really, and I'm

1202
01:12:52.700 --> 01:12:55.700
still attracted to the father figure.

1203
01:12:55.960 --> 01:12:58.140
So I personally never had a dad.

1204
01:12:58.160 --> 01:12:59.100
I never had a father.

1205
01:12:59.260 --> 01:13:01.720
So my first marriage, he was like my father.

1206
01:13:01.720 --> 01:13:04.460
Cause I was very young and he was 20 years older than me.

1207
01:13:04.660 --> 01:13:06.560
The second marriage was the same way.

1208
01:13:06.560 --> 01:13:10.280
So I've been married three times and they were all like 20 years older than

1209
01:13:10.280 --> 01:13:14.720
me, very bossy, very dominant, very controlling, but I'm going to provide for

1210
01:13:14.720 --> 01:13:15.820
you, I'm going to protect you.

1211
01:13:15.840 --> 01:13:17.960
The main thing was provider and protector.

1212
01:13:18.140 --> 01:13:19.800
Your father never had that.

1213
01:13:19.940 --> 01:13:21.960
So they did this, which, and they did.

1214
01:13:22.100 --> 01:13:23.080
So that was my big thing.

1215
01:13:23.080 --> 01:13:27.800
Financially, I was always provided for very well because they were all

1216
01:13:27.880 --> 01:13:29.540
businessmen and they all had lots of money.

1217
01:13:29.620 --> 01:13:30.960
So that was one thing.

1218
01:13:31.000 --> 01:13:33.600
And protection wise, they always protected me.

1219
01:13:34.620 --> 01:13:39.560
So now my last ex boyfriend, right before I came to last year's single,

1220
01:13:39.560 --> 01:13:42.900
it was almost been a year, almost two years now, a year and a half.

1221
01:13:43.380 --> 01:13:44.000
I've grown so much.

1222
01:13:44.700 --> 01:13:46.980
But Arthur was the same way.

1223
01:13:47.100 --> 01:13:49.520
He was 74, you know?

1224
01:13:49.540 --> 01:13:52.860
So he was way like 18, 17 years older than me.

1225
01:13:52.940 --> 01:13:59.700
And so that's, so the cycle I keep seeing that I trying to try to pick guys like

1226
01:13:59.700 --> 01:14:04.340
now that I'm in the level one, two dating that are much younger than these ages.

1227
01:14:04.340 --> 01:14:10.120
Like for me, a red flag is I don't want to be with a man that's over like 15, 12,

1228
01:14:10.120 --> 01:14:14.040
15 years older than me, because that's where that father figure is going to come

1229
01:14:14.100 --> 01:14:14.600
into.

1230
01:14:14.940 --> 01:14:19.160
And I don't really, but I see that, that that's a big issue because I'm still

1231
01:14:19.300 --> 01:14:19.800
attracted.

1232
01:14:19.800 --> 01:14:21.680
I'm very attracted to older men.

1233
01:14:21.920 --> 01:14:27.120
So if I see a man that's 15 or 20 years older, fine wine, I said, he's a father

1234
01:14:27.120 --> 01:14:27.560
figure.

1235
01:14:28.040 --> 01:14:32.980
And subconsciously I go with that because I'm in a situation ship now where I have

1236
01:14:32.980 --> 01:14:37.380
an older male friend who is romantically attracted to me and he's like, I'd be

1237
01:14:37.380 --> 01:14:39.760
another father figure, but I'm more healthy now.

1238
01:14:39.840 --> 01:14:45.620
So we date, but I'm not romantic with him, but he has the tendency that he wants to

1239
01:14:45.620 --> 01:14:46.520
take care of me.

1240
01:14:47.220 --> 01:14:47.620
Okay.

1241
01:14:48.000 --> 01:14:49.420
So a couple things.

1242
01:14:50.120 --> 01:14:56.720
When you start talking to these men, do you have conversations early on these men

1243
01:14:56.720 --> 01:14:57.240
in the past?

1244
01:14:57.280 --> 01:14:58.980
So we'll talk about those guys right now.

1245
01:14:59.420 --> 01:14:59.980
Um.

1246
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:06.940
did you have conversations early on about your upbringing and not having a dad in your life?

1247
01:15:07.100 --> 01:15:12.220
Did you trauma bond is what I'm trying to get to. Yeah, probably with especially the earlier ones.

1248
01:15:12.360 --> 01:15:17.980
Yes. Okay. So that is a key thing right there. And this is why we tell you all,

1249
01:15:18.320 --> 01:15:22.400
you know, when you're first dating the levels of relationship, those are there to help you

1250
01:15:22.400 --> 01:15:28.280
so that you all aren't trauma bonding. The reason I stayed with the girl's dad,

1251
01:15:28.280 --> 01:15:33.440
so long as I trauma bonded with him right in the beginning, and it got really hard to

1252
01:15:33.440 --> 01:15:40.240
untangle from that. Okay. And so if you're trauma bonding really quickly, that's going to be tough.

1253
01:15:40.440 --> 01:15:45.340
But now that you're learning your you know how to kind of pace yourself, get to know each other

1254
01:15:46.560 --> 01:15:51.920
community. And I would also say, Don, as we've been coaching the last couple times I've done

1255
01:15:51.920 --> 01:15:58.640
like advanced heartwork with you, the financial side for you has been a big thing. And I believe

1256
01:15:58.640 --> 01:16:05.400
it doesn't mean that you know, again, that the man can't be a provider. But if we are in such

1257
01:16:05.400 --> 01:16:11.780
a pit where we feel like we can't provide it all by ourselves, then that does put us in that place

1258
01:16:11.780 --> 01:16:19.500
to like, I need a rescuer, I need someone to come and save me, versus like, I'm learning how to like,

1259
01:16:19.500 --> 01:16:25.240
save a little bit, I'm learning how to budget differently, and, and you're gaining confidence,

1260
01:16:25.540 --> 01:16:30.080
and you're going into that relationship totally differently than how you have in the past.

1261
01:16:30.320 --> 01:16:35.040
So it doesn't mean you have to have everything worked out. But I do think you continuing to

1262
01:16:35.040 --> 01:16:39.100
grow in that area is going to be beneficial. Yeah. But then the question I have, the thing

1263
01:16:39.100 --> 01:16:44.420
that gets me the most is I have a fear about being with a man like, like, say he has financial issues

1264
01:16:44.420 --> 01:16:49.260
or struggles, too. That's the last thing I want. So I tend to shy away from guys that are in the

1265
01:16:49.260 --> 01:16:54.180
same boat as me, because I want somebody to take care of me. Well, he has to have money to take

1266
01:16:54.180 --> 01:17:01.300
care of me. Yeah, which is what I what I talked about tonight is, we want both people to be

1267
01:17:01.300 --> 01:17:09.500
coming stronger. It doesn't mean that, like, when I met Brian, he still had significant stuff from

1268
01:17:09.500 --> 01:17:14.700
his ex wife, because she took him through the ringer you all, he was trying to get his girl

1269
01:17:14.700 --> 01:17:20.280
custody of his girls back. I didn't shy away from dating Brian, because he had that because I knew

1270
01:17:20.280 --> 01:17:27.080
where it came from. And I actually honored and valued like, he was trying to have visitation of

1271
01:17:27.080 --> 01:17:31.480
his kids. And he was fighting for that. I grew up where my dad just didn't even give a rip if he was

1272
01:17:31.480 --> 01:17:36.640
in my life. So of course, I thought that was awesome. But we did have conversations about,

1273
01:17:36.920 --> 01:17:40.960
okay, well, how are you met? Like, how are you taking care of this? You know, and I learned

1274
01:17:40.960 --> 01:17:46.940
how he manages money, and he was on a plan, and he was paying on it. And he was being faithful. And,

1275
01:17:46.940 --> 01:17:50.580
you know, he was also saving money. And but you like, he was very good at budgeting.

1276
01:17:50.680 --> 01:17:56.580
And so I looking at the and that didn't come in the first couple dates, y'all that came over months

1277
01:17:56.580 --> 01:18:02.700
and months and months and months of dating, okay. But it is important for y'all to understand that,

1278
01:18:02.640 --> 01:18:10.260
because, you know, again, like, I didn't just get rid of him because he had debt. But I did get to

1279
01:18:10.260 --> 01:18:17.720
more about him to know that he was taking care of his responsibilities, and learning how to not just

1280
01:18:17.720 --> 01:18:23.220
stay in that place. And then he learned the same thing about me as well. So we were both bringing,

1281
01:18:23.720 --> 01:18:28.320
okay, we both are in this growth process of growing and being better stewards learning how

1282
01:18:28.320 --> 01:18:34.520
to invest our money, we didn't grow up being taught those things. And so learning to do that

1283
01:18:34.520 --> 01:18:39.200
more and more and more. And now, I mean, we're in a totally different place just a few years later,

1284
01:18:39.760 --> 01:18:45.980
you know, and so that's where I think Don, instead of, you know, you don't have to attract someone

1285
01:18:45.980 --> 01:18:50.800
that's just in the pit of finances, either. But you growing healthier is going to attract

1286
01:18:50.800 --> 01:18:55.980
most likely someone else who's somebody else. But then the only other thing I wanted to mention is

1287
01:18:56.740 --> 01:19:02.280
this, the stuff regarding your dad. And even if you've worked through it before, I just want to

1288
01:19:02.280 --> 01:19:06.940
encourage you to ask the Lord if there's anything else that he wants to reveal to you that still

1289
01:19:06.940 --> 01:19:14.220
needs healing regarding your dad, leaving you in any kind of abandonment, because that might be

1290
01:19:15.540 --> 01:19:22.000
what's causing that deep, like attraction to the men that are significantly older than you.

1291
01:19:22.280 --> 01:19:26.860
Yeah, like, it's not healthy. I keep thinking it's not healthy, like even with my male friend now.

1292
01:19:26.940 --> 01:19:31.920
Yeah, like, I see some red flags, even though like, I'm not romantic with it. But we do spend

1293
01:19:31.920 --> 01:19:36.080
a lot of time together. And because it's good. I know he's like a protector, and he wants to

1294
01:19:36.080 --> 01:19:39.760
take care of me. And it's like, all these other promises that I've been through before.

1295
01:19:40.080 --> 01:19:43.740
And I would encourage you and anyone else that's in a situation like Don,

1296
01:19:44.680 --> 01:19:51.580
to be really honest with yourself about that friend. Like, if you know it's not healthy,

1297
01:19:52.420 --> 01:19:58.860
and you know that he really likes to be a protector, and you like to be taken care of,

1298
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:05.700
then you guys are both kind of feeding off of each other's, actually, like, wounds.

1299
01:20:07.040 --> 01:20:13.220
Versus like, hey, like, I really, I bless you in the Lord, you're a really amazing person,

1300
01:20:13.400 --> 01:20:18.520
but I can tell that this is kind of a dynamic that's growing and it's not healthy for me.

1301
01:20:18.600 --> 01:20:22.400
You don't have to tell him what's healthy for him, but you can say, it's not healthy

1302
01:20:22.400 --> 01:20:30.200
for me to want to be rescued and depend on, you know, whatever the need is that's getting

1303
01:20:30.200 --> 01:20:31.140
met by this guy.

1304
01:20:32.300 --> 01:20:36.060
Because if you know, it's not really God's best for you to be in that connection.

1305
01:20:36.160 --> 01:20:38.600
We tend to hang on to things for a reason.

1306
01:20:38.600 --> 01:20:43.320
So let's ask the Lord to help us identify what is really leading us to do that.

1307
01:20:43.340 --> 01:20:44.600
Because here's the other thing.

1308
01:20:44.660 --> 01:20:49.300
I, one of the guys that I dated before I met Brian, a really nice guy.

1309
01:20:50.000 --> 01:20:55.160
He actually was the one that said to me that he felt like we would be best just friends.

1310
01:20:55.820 --> 01:21:01.620
And of course, like my pride and ego got hurt a little bit, but like the night he told me

1311
01:21:01.620 --> 01:21:06.500
we had a really good conversation, but then he like wanted to keep getting together on

1312
01:21:07.340 --> 01:21:10.300
Zoom and just keep talking and keep getting to know each other.

1313
01:21:10.420 --> 01:21:13.380
And I was like, I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to do that.

1314
01:21:13.380 --> 01:21:14.760
And he was kind of taken aback.

1315
01:21:14.760 --> 01:21:18.880
And I was like, you know, I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but like, I got to save

1316
01:21:18.880 --> 01:21:20.400
this space for my spirit mate.

1317
01:21:20.520 --> 01:21:25.080
And if I'm spending time with you, then that's time I'm not spending, like being open to

1318
01:21:25.080 --> 01:21:26.280
receive my spirit mate.

1319
01:21:26.620 --> 01:21:29.880
And so I, God has told me I need to guard this space for that person.

1320
01:21:30.400 --> 01:21:32.640
And I blessed him and all the things.

1321
01:21:32.960 --> 01:21:37.320
And you know, we just didn't get back on Zoom after that because I, I just didn't see the

1322
01:21:37.320 --> 01:21:38.080
need for that.

1323
01:21:38.700 --> 01:21:44.220
And because you guys, I'm pretty like careful about not having a bunch of guy friends.

1324
01:21:44.560 --> 01:21:48.440
You know, I have, you know, people that, you know, we go to church with and all that, but

1325
01:21:48.440 --> 01:21:50.100
like, I don't just hang out with guys.

1326
01:21:50.900 --> 01:21:52.060
That's the space for my husband.

1327
01:21:52.800 --> 01:21:55.280
And if we go and hang out with a couple, cool.

1328
01:21:55.400 --> 01:21:56.120
That's awesome.

1329
01:21:56.300 --> 01:21:57.780
Well, then we're there with couples.

1330
01:21:58.980 --> 01:22:03.260
So I want to encourage you all just to kind of consider that again, on both sides, men

1331
01:22:03.260 --> 01:22:05.780
and women, like, who are you filling your space with?

1332
01:22:05.780 --> 01:22:07.060
And is it filling loneliness?

1333
01:22:07.380 --> 01:22:08.980
You know, what's, what's going on there?

1334
01:22:09.660 --> 01:22:11.000
It could be a little bit of both.

1335
01:22:11.040 --> 01:22:15.600
It could be some loneliness as well, because the other level one and two dates didn't pan

1336
01:22:15.600 --> 01:22:16.000
out.

1337
01:22:16.080 --> 01:22:17.340
So that didn't pan out.

1338
01:22:17.340 --> 01:22:17.520
Yeah.

1339
01:22:17.520 --> 01:22:19.040
And then he's like, Oh, I'm your friend.

1340
01:22:19.120 --> 01:22:19.660
And I'm here.

1341
01:22:19.720 --> 01:22:23.340
I'm like, I'm willing to hang out and be, and I want to be more than friends with you.

1342
01:22:23.420 --> 01:22:26.440
And I'm like, but I don't want to be more than just friends, you know?

1343
01:22:26.680 --> 01:22:27.080
Yeah.

1344
01:22:27.460 --> 01:22:27.860
Yeah.

1345
01:22:27.860 --> 01:22:28.060
Yeah.

1346
01:22:28.060 --> 01:22:30.660
So pray into that Don and let us know how that goes.

1347
01:22:31.060 --> 01:22:31.060


1348
01:22:31.980 --> 01:22:32.380
Okay.

1349
01:22:32.380 --> 01:22:32.980
Well, I have a question.

1350
01:22:33.080 --> 01:22:35.200
A lot of people are asking about the accountability partner.

1351
01:22:35.420 --> 01:22:36.900
So are you guys like the dating coaches?

1352
01:22:37.020 --> 01:22:39.760
Is that how we get the accountability of partner?

1353
01:22:39.760 --> 01:22:43.600
Like we need a dating coach, but I keep thinking I'm not going to need to at least get a level

1354
01:22:43.600 --> 01:22:43.980
three.

1355
01:22:44.520 --> 01:22:44.920
Yeah.

1356
01:22:44.920 --> 01:22:46.760
I mean, we have coaching in the group.

1357
01:22:46.760 --> 01:22:51.380
We have coaches that are available for one-on-ones on the website.

1358
01:22:51.860 --> 01:22:55.360
But I, as I mentioned, you can also find someone in your local church.

1359
01:22:55.360 --> 01:22:58.420
You can find a friend through this group.

1360
01:22:58.420 --> 01:23:01.200
You know, if you have friends in this group, that'll hold each other accountable.

1361
01:23:01.340 --> 01:23:02.420
That's a great find.

1362
01:23:02.500 --> 01:23:02.760
Right.

1363
01:23:02.760 --> 01:23:07.140
There's plenty of people in this community that you could connect with, but yeah, if

1364
01:23:07.140 --> 01:23:10.120
you have someone local now, make sure it's not someone super religious.

1365
01:23:10.280 --> 01:23:10.720
Okay.

1366
01:23:10.720 --> 01:23:14.120
You want them to hold you accountable, but you don't want there to be this bashing.

1367
01:23:14.240 --> 01:23:14.680
Okay.

1368
01:23:15.280 --> 01:23:16.780
The legalistic bashes.

1369
01:23:17.400 --> 01:23:17.540
All right.

1370
01:23:17.680 --> 01:23:18.140
Great question.

1371
01:23:18.140 --> 01:23:18.220
Yeah.

1372
01:23:18.280 --> 01:23:19.340
Ask me somebody from the group.

1373
01:23:19.460 --> 01:23:20.720
I'm going to do a dating one-on-one.

1374
01:23:20.800 --> 01:23:23.540
But once I get, once I get past this level one, two thing.

1375
01:23:23.940 --> 01:23:24.280
Okay.

1376
01:23:24.360 --> 01:23:25.440
That sounds great.

1377
01:23:25.880 --> 01:23:27.680
Jennifer Young asked in the chat.

1378
01:23:27.840 --> 01:23:27.980
Yeah.

1379
01:23:27.980 --> 01:23:28.880
Thanks for sharing, Don.

1380
01:23:29.200 --> 01:23:29.720
Thank you.

1381
01:23:29.860 --> 01:23:30.280
Yes.

1382
01:23:30.760 --> 01:23:34.400
Jennifer Young asked in the chat, what about people who keep their exes as friends?

1383
01:23:35.220 --> 01:23:37.920
Well, I think it depends on the situation.

1384
01:23:37.920 --> 01:23:42.900
If they are someone that have kids in the mix, then that's like one scenario.

1385
01:23:44.840 --> 01:23:48.460
You know, I'll, I know how I would feel about that.

1386
01:23:48.460 --> 01:23:52.200
I don't think that they should be spending time with people that they dated anymore,

1387
01:23:52.820 --> 01:23:54.200
but that's just me.

1388
01:23:54.320 --> 01:23:57.340
Everyone has to choose what you are comfortable with.

1389
01:23:57.360 --> 01:24:00.000
So I don't feel like I should tell you what you should do.

1390
01:24:00.000 --> 01:24:04.260
I think you should pray about it and ask the Lord what his best for you is.

1391
01:24:04.720 --> 01:24:08.120
I don't think that's a healthy dynamic for people personally.

1392
01:24:08.260 --> 01:24:12.020
Now, if you only went on a couple of dates with somebody and you weren't like exclusive

1393
01:24:12.280 --> 01:24:14.740
or serious, that's a whole different story.

1394
01:24:16.720 --> 01:24:18.400
So I would pray into that.

1395
01:24:18.520 --> 01:24:20.360
I know that I would not be comfortable.

1396
01:24:20.520 --> 01:24:23.180
That was one of the questions I had for Brian when we were dating.

1397
01:24:23.440 --> 01:24:28.700
But part of that question for me was also because I was in not only the relationship

1398
01:24:28.700 --> 01:24:33.180
with the girl's dad, but my ex-husband, both of those people cheated on me in those relationships.

1399
01:24:33.180 --> 01:24:39.920
And so I wanted to make sure I wasn't walking into another situation where right from the

1400
01:24:39.920 --> 01:24:43.800
get-go, they've got these exes hanging out in their phone and stuff like that.

1401
01:24:43.960 --> 01:24:46.800
Like I just wasn't going to date somebody that was doing those kind of things.

1402
01:24:47.940 --> 01:24:53.920
So for me, it was a no-go if that person had exes on their speed dial or even in their

1403
01:24:53.920 --> 01:24:54.220
phone.

1404
01:24:54.380 --> 01:24:56.260
And I mean, I didn't go through Brian's phone or anything.

1405
01:24:56.320 --> 01:24:59.980
I have no clue if he's got people's numbers in there, but just, I tried.

1406
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:01.600
Trust him 100%.

1407
01:25:01.600 --> 01:25:03.560
And so I don't even think about that kind of stuff

1408
01:25:03.560 --> 01:25:04.900
until I just said it.

1409
01:25:05.880 --> 01:25:07.500
So yeah, but great question,

1410
01:25:08.080 --> 01:25:10.500
but know what's good for you

1411
01:25:10.500 --> 01:25:12.860
and have confidence walking in that.

1412
01:25:13.740 --> 01:25:14.740
Lolita, go ahead.

1413
01:25:18.960 --> 01:25:21.560
Hi, so I met this guy online,

1414
01:25:21.560 --> 01:25:24.020
I think it was on Holy, I'm not really sure.

1415
01:25:24.760 --> 01:25:29.740
And we did a video, I guess you would say a video chat.

1416
01:25:30.000 --> 01:25:31.380
Like we FaceTime.

1417
01:25:31.940 --> 01:25:35.340
So I had his number and everything seemed like it went good.

1418
01:25:35.700 --> 01:25:37.140
And then all of a sudden he,

1419
01:25:37.400 --> 01:25:39.880
cause he worked nights, he kind of disappeared for a week.

1420
01:25:40.520 --> 01:25:45.000
And then he came back like around my birthday

1421
01:25:45.000 --> 01:25:47.140
and was saying happy birthday and everything

1422
01:25:47.140 --> 01:25:49.820
because he asked to be my friend on Facebook.

1423
01:25:50.520 --> 01:25:53.220
I originally asked him and he said,

1424
01:25:53.540 --> 01:25:55.380
oh, I don't know you good enough for that yet.

1425
01:25:55.380 --> 01:25:57.820
And then he sent me a friend request later.

1426
01:25:58.380 --> 01:26:00.060
So then I got the friend request

1427
01:26:02.720 --> 01:26:05.760
and we were talking a little bit here and there.

1428
01:26:05.840 --> 01:26:09.280
And then one day he told me, oh, I'm going on a date.

1429
01:26:09.660 --> 01:26:12.180
I need to be honest with you, I'm going on a date.

1430
01:26:12.380 --> 01:26:14.840
So I'm like, oh yeah, okay, I can respect that.

1431
01:26:15.280 --> 01:26:17.840
And so he went on a date and then when the date was over,

1432
01:26:17.860 --> 01:26:19.820
he called me and we talked a little bit.

1433
01:26:20.100 --> 01:26:23.340
And then after that, he just like,

1434
01:26:24.580 --> 01:26:27.380
I don't know, he was talking to me for a little bit

1435
01:26:27.380 --> 01:26:34.380
and then he said, oh, I don't believe in, you know,

1436
01:26:34.420 --> 01:26:36.700
having sex before marriage and all that.

1437
01:26:36.740 --> 01:26:38.400
And I'm like, well, I don't believe in that either,

1438
01:26:38.540 --> 01:26:40.440
but I was looking for a job.

1439
01:26:40.600 --> 01:26:45.060
He said, well, if I can get a job in the area where he lives

1440
01:26:45.680 --> 01:26:49.580
cause I live in one state and he lives probably

1441
01:26:50.000 --> 01:26:53.720
like maybe an hour or something away or whatever.

1442
01:26:53.720 --> 01:26:57.940
And he thinks that, I guess it's long distance or whatever.

1443
01:26:58.040 --> 01:26:59.720
So he said, well, if you get a job there,

1444
01:26:59.800 --> 01:27:01.360
you can come and stay at my place.

1445
01:27:01.420 --> 01:27:02.780
And I guess he'll be on the road

1446
01:27:02.780 --> 01:27:03.780
cause he's a truck driver.

1447
01:27:04.180 --> 01:27:06.180
And I was just listening and I'm like,

1448
01:27:06.240 --> 01:27:08.220
I haven't even gone out on a date with you

1449
01:27:08.220 --> 01:27:11.120
and you talking about me staying at your place.

1450
01:27:12.220 --> 01:27:15.400
So then he came back and told me that

1451
01:27:17.460 --> 01:27:20.880
he was gonna be monogamous with someone.

1452
01:27:20.960 --> 01:27:22.020
And I said, okay, fine.

1453
01:27:22.820 --> 01:27:24.800
So I'm getting the answers that I need.

1454
01:27:25.340 --> 01:27:28.320
So I blocked him and I just moved on.

1455
01:27:29.780 --> 01:27:31.580
And then he came back and asked me,

1456
01:27:31.820 --> 01:27:33.660
did I block him on Facebook?

1457
01:27:33.660 --> 01:27:35.440
Cause he's still my friend on Facebook.

1458
01:27:35.880 --> 01:27:38.620
And then he sent me different Bible scriptures

1459
01:27:38.820 --> 01:27:41.060
and just a whole bunch of stuff.

1460
01:27:41.700 --> 01:27:43.220
And I don't know.

1461
01:27:43.460 --> 01:27:45.500
And he's like asking me, he said,

1462
01:27:45.580 --> 01:27:48.960
well, I only said that because you live so far from me.

1463
01:27:48.960 --> 01:27:51.700
So I don't know if, you know,

1464
01:27:51.700 --> 01:27:54.480
I wanted to do this long distance relationship.

1465
01:27:54.640 --> 01:27:58.500
So I'm looking at all this deceit and lies and everything.

1466
01:27:58.620 --> 01:28:01.220
So I'm just not gonna deal with him.

1467
01:28:01.460 --> 01:28:03.280
So remember the thing how I said,

1468
01:28:03.340 --> 01:28:06.340
you're gonna ask yourself, what is your gut telling you?

1469
01:28:07.000 --> 01:28:08.720
What is your gut telling you Lolita?

1470
01:28:09.860 --> 01:28:14.080
Oh, my gut is telling me that he's not,

1471
01:28:14.640 --> 01:28:16.040
he's not genuine.

1472
01:28:16.320 --> 01:28:18.020
He's not gonna up and up.

1473
01:28:18.020 --> 01:28:19.620
I'm like, it's like.

1474
01:28:21.480 --> 01:28:23.220
Yeah, I think this is one of those times

1475
01:28:23.220 --> 01:28:24.840
where you start small.

1476
01:28:25.100 --> 01:28:27.160
You trust yourself in this decision

1477
01:28:28.200 --> 01:28:31.920
because to me, again, you said it yourself.

1478
01:28:32.380 --> 01:28:35.900
This guy hasn't even driven to go on a date with you.

1479
01:28:35.920 --> 01:28:39.320
And he's saying you shouldn't move here to get a job here.

1480
01:28:40.020 --> 01:28:40.020


1481
01:28:41.220 --> 01:28:41.220


1482
01:28:41.460 --> 01:28:42.440
That's so backwards.

1483
01:28:42.540 --> 01:28:45.120
The other day I went to Sandy Cove.

1484
01:28:45.200 --> 01:28:47.380
I like it up there, real nice place and all that.

1485
01:28:47.380 --> 01:28:49.140
And he told me he was up there,

1486
01:28:49.260 --> 01:28:52.400
but then he said, oh, well, you were in a meeting.

1487
01:28:52.540 --> 01:28:54.380
Yeah, I'm doing ministry, right?

1488
01:28:55.040 --> 01:28:57.600
And so you're gonna come up there and bother me,

1489
01:28:57.640 --> 01:28:59.400
but you're supposed to be a Christian man.

1490
01:28:59.580 --> 01:29:02.540
Like, it just did not make sense.

1491
01:29:03.020 --> 01:29:05.920
It sounds like you already know what you should do here.

1492
01:29:06.000 --> 01:29:09.440
The other thing, I just wanna say this out loud, okay?

1493
01:29:09.440 --> 01:29:11.660
Because something else that you said, I'm just like, what?

1494
01:29:12.120 --> 01:29:14.900
So he went on a date, told you he was gonna go on a date,

1495
01:29:14.900 --> 01:29:18.920
then goes on a date and then calls you after the date?

1496
01:29:19.720 --> 01:29:19.920
Yes.

1497
01:29:20.460 --> 01:29:21.660
See you later, sir.

1498
01:29:22.460 --> 01:29:23.500
No way.

1499
01:29:24.120 --> 01:29:27.320
Why are we giving them our time, ladies and gentlemen,

1500
01:29:27.440 --> 01:29:28.640
when that is going on?

1501
01:29:30.400 --> 01:29:32.260
I mean, what'd y'all sit and talk about?

1502
01:29:32.420 --> 01:29:33.680
Did he have a fun time on his date?

1503
01:29:33.700 --> 01:29:34.720
I mean, that's just weird.

1504
01:29:36.420 --> 01:29:39.260
Yeah, and you never even asked me on a date.

1505
01:29:39.940 --> 01:29:41.700
Right, and so to me,

1506
01:29:41.700 --> 01:29:43.680
I think you already blocked him on the other thing.

1507
01:29:43.680 --> 01:29:45.280
I would go ahead and block him on Facebook.

1508
01:29:45.440 --> 01:29:47.180
That's my honest gut feeling.

1509
01:29:47.820 --> 01:29:48.860
Just hearing you talk about it,

1510
01:29:48.860 --> 01:29:50.200
I think I've already heard you say

1511
01:29:50.200 --> 01:29:51.600
how you really feel about this.

1512
01:29:52.040 --> 01:29:52.920
I don't think you need to worry.

1513
01:29:53.120 --> 01:29:54.760
This is not a spirit mate material.

1514
01:29:55.380 --> 01:29:57.440
Remember, marriage-minded, masculine, mature.

1515
01:29:57.600 --> 01:29:59.980
Somebody who is mature is gonna ask you on a date.

1516
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:07.980
date and treat you like a lady. Okay. That's what that is. Right, guys? Guys, do you agree?

1517
01:30:08.320 --> 01:30:13.900
Tell me in the chat. Help Lolita out here. Yep. Paul's like your brother in Christ is

1518
01:30:13.900 --> 01:30:20.900
like move on from that. Yep. Thanks, Paul. Thanks, guys. Tim's saying yep. So they're

1519
01:30:20.900 --> 01:30:26.440
all agreeing. All right. So we'll pray for you. I think God has something way better.

1520
01:30:26.440 --> 01:30:35.960
I believe so, too. All right. Awesome. So I'll let Okay, I have Carla and let's see

1521
01:30:35.960 --> 01:30:41.840
if I can remember how to say is it Marley? Did I say it right? Awesome. Okay, so after

1522
01:30:41.840 --> 01:30:49.280
then, then I'll pray us out and close the night down. Carla, go ahead. Okay, so I had

1523
01:30:49.280 --> 01:30:54.140
posted about this on the Facebook page, but I had met this really amazing man we met at

1524
01:30:54.140 --> 01:31:00.880
the beginning of September on whichever app and then we ended up meeting and had basically

1525
01:31:00.880 --> 01:31:05.380
now at this point three fantastic dates. He was masculine, marriage minded, all the things

1526
01:31:05.380 --> 01:31:11.080
and we really just both were pleasantly surprised at how great the first date was. And he immediately

1527
01:31:11.080 --> 01:31:15.320
asked me for a second date and was really making me a priority and consistent in his

1528
01:31:15.320 --> 01:31:19.060
communication to the point where I actually complimented him. And I said, I so appreciate

1529
01:31:19.060 --> 01:31:24.900
how consistent and intentional you've been with your communication. And then the following week,

1530
01:31:25.660 --> 01:31:31.340
he we'd had our third date. And we on that date talked about him even coming with me to my small

1531
01:31:31.340 --> 01:31:36.060
group. And then maybe he wanted to take me to this water park. And then we were going to maybe

1532
01:31:36.060 --> 01:31:43.920
even go to the beach on Sunday, because it's nearby. And so he was excited because he thought

1533
01:31:43.920 --> 01:31:50.780
it was going to be a lighter week at work. And he works in hospice and palliative care.

1534
01:31:51.020 --> 01:31:55.460
And he's a counselor for patients and their families. So I know it's really heavy, hard stuff.

1535
01:31:55.480 --> 01:32:00.680
And we had talked about it. And at first, I asked him if he really liked it. And he said, Yeah, I

1536
01:32:00.680 --> 01:32:04.220
really feel like this is the work I'm supposed to be doing right now. And it's I've been doing it

1537
01:32:04.220 --> 01:32:11.840
for eight years. And I just really love this work. And then at the beginning of the last week now,

1538
01:32:13.260 --> 01:32:18.060
um, he did have Monday ended up being a much longer day than he expected. There were different

1539
01:32:18.060 --> 01:32:21.820
emergencies at work, he ended up not even being able to come to join me on Tuesday and didn't even

1540
01:32:21.820 --> 01:32:27.140
text me about it until like 7pm. It started at 630. But he said I couldn't even get away to

1541
01:32:27.180 --> 01:32:31.460
get to the phone, which all that was understandable, right? Like I expect him to be fully present in his

1542
01:32:31.460 --> 01:32:38.180
work when he's working with hospice and palliative care patients. But then he didn't text me at all

1543
01:32:38.180 --> 01:32:45.200
that night, he the next morning sent me like short one word, look, few words texts of that has

1544
01:32:45.200 --> 01:32:51.180
he come home and his pipe had burst and he was dealing with that. And then he was just starting

1545
01:32:51.180 --> 01:32:56.560
to mention how just overwhelmed with sadness and grief and the heaviness of everything he'd been

1546
01:32:56.560 --> 01:33:02.800
seeing. And it was just getting really, really hard for him. And then, even when we were going

1547
01:33:02.800 --> 01:33:07.720
to do the waterpark thing, he was like, not proactively planning for that actual day. And so

1548
01:33:07.720 --> 01:33:12.280
reached out that morning. I was like, so are we still meeting today? What's the plan? And he said,

1549
01:33:13.140 --> 01:33:18.980
oh, I forgot to tell you that I have a carpet replacement coming at 230 today. So I can't but

1550
01:33:18.980 --> 01:33:25.920
let's maybe try to go to the beach on Sunday. So that was the plan. And then on Sunday, I'm at church

1551
01:33:25.920 --> 01:33:31.000
in the morning, and he texts me and says he had to take his mom to the ER. And so part of me was

1552
01:33:31.000 --> 01:33:35.820
like, is he actually? Is this all happening? Is this really true? Or is he lying? And I really

1553
01:33:35.820 --> 01:33:39.800
don't feel like he was lying. Because we did a couple of short FaceTimes at that point. And I

1554
01:33:39.800 --> 01:33:46.660
could see the sadness and the grief in his eyes and in his face. And I can tell he's overwhelmed.

1555
01:33:47.720 --> 01:33:54.360
And so I was trying to be very, you know, just loving and patient and kind and offering to pray

1556
01:33:54.360 --> 01:34:00.680
with him and things like that. And I also don't want to be a savior, right? Like that was I've

1557
01:34:00.680 --> 01:34:05.880
married and divorced twice. Yeah, I'm gonna have you pause for a second. Okay. So

1558
01:34:05.880 --> 01:34:12.700
y'all have been on three dates. You should be at level two. Yes. Community getting to know each

1559
01:34:12.700 --> 01:34:18.900
other as friends. There's a lot of oversharing happening here. Okay, about the heaviness of all

1560
01:34:18.900 --> 01:34:26.840
this stuff that he's carrying. I just I think, to me, I would kind of take a step back and really

1561
01:34:26.840 --> 01:34:34.980
Yeah, really assess and put the tools into practice from the community that you've been

1562
01:34:34.580 --> 01:34:46.380
learning. And, you know, maybe see if you know how he responds when you don't, you're not constantly

1563
01:34:46.700 --> 01:34:52.400
available to him. So when you say put the tools from the community into practice, which specific

1564
01:34:52.400 --> 01:34:57.120
tools are you referring to the levels of relationship, the dating levels of relationship

1565
01:34:57.120 --> 01:34:59.980
and really go back and review that content so that

1566
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:04.380
you're, you aren't getting, you guys went real fast, really,

1567
01:35:04.640 --> 01:35:08.160
really fast. And then it's like, pump breaks, pump breaks, pump

1568
01:35:08.160 --> 01:35:11.320
breaks, but now it's like a lot of ever sharing and he's, you

1569
01:35:11.320 --> 01:35:14.280
know, got all this and he might he might really have this stuff

1570
01:35:14.280 --> 01:35:17.760
going on. Right? You all shouldn't be talking about that

1571
01:35:17.760 --> 01:35:19.940
right now. This is supposed to be fun.

1572
01:35:20.440 --> 01:35:22.960
And I mean, we were just having these fun conversations and

1573
01:35:22.960 --> 01:35:26.200
asking lots of questions. And then it got so heavy when things

1574
01:35:26.200 --> 01:35:28.560
got so heavy for him, you know, and so

1575
01:35:29.420 --> 01:35:35.220
as you guys started talking about it. So when sharing, you

1576
01:35:35.220 --> 01:35:37.900
could have redirected, and you could have said, I'm really

1577
01:35:37.900 --> 01:35:41.900
sorry to hear that you're you're struggling right now. And, you

1578
01:35:41.900 --> 01:35:44.740
know, if we need to jump on a call another day, when you're

1579
01:35:44.740 --> 01:35:47.820
feeling lighter, and kind of we have more time to just focus on

1580
01:35:47.820 --> 01:35:51.540
getting to know each other, we can totally do that. But like,

1581
01:35:52.160 --> 01:35:55.840
continuing to then create that space for him to talk about all

1582
01:35:55.840 --> 01:36:00.800
this stuff that isn't, it's not your where you're at is not even

1583
01:36:00.800 --> 01:36:02.440
strong enough to carry that.

1584
01:36:03.420 --> 01:36:09.100
Yeah, I, I think that's probably the point where it's so hard for

1585
01:36:09.100 --> 01:36:11.100
me, because I am a coach. And I've done all these things. And

1586
01:36:11.100 --> 01:36:13.800
I've helped so many people. And so I naturally then ask

1587
01:36:13.800 --> 01:36:16.020
questions, like you said, it's kind of hard to turn it off. And

1588
01:36:16.020 --> 01:36:19.240
so that's the part of trying to be very vigilant to and not

1589
01:36:19.340 --> 01:36:23.260
understand that I'm married. Well, I wasn't coaching the guys

1590
01:36:23.260 --> 01:36:24.600
I was going on dates with.

1591
01:36:25.180 --> 01:36:27.520
Well, I wasn't coaching him either. But it's just my

1592
01:36:27.520 --> 01:36:30.120
natural inclination is to ask questions when somebody shares

1593
01:36:30.140 --> 01:36:35.920
something, whatever. So I mean, yes, and I fully recognize we

1594
01:36:36.020 --> 01:36:39.020
don't have a level three relationship or anything like

1595
01:36:39.060 --> 01:36:41.900
that either. So I was just trying to be like, letting him

1596
01:36:42.300 --> 01:36:44.980
know if he needed to talk or whatever. But maybe I shouldn't

1597
01:36:44.980 --> 01:36:46.400
have been saying that.

1598
01:36:46.640 --> 01:36:50.180
Yeah, I would back off of that kind of verbiage. Anybody that's

1599
01:36:50.180 --> 01:36:54.720
a counselor, a coach, a helper, like you've been in ministry a

1600
01:36:54.320 --> 01:36:58.300
lot. We tend to be way too comfortable with that verbiage

1601
01:36:58.300 --> 01:37:02.580
and dating. And that, you know, we can just definitely my

1602
01:37:02.880 --> 01:37:04.980
challenge, we can just say, that's where I was kind of

1603
01:37:04.980 --> 01:37:07.120
giving you some verbiage in the future, I would just encourage

1604
01:37:07.120 --> 01:37:10.240
you to say, Hey, I'm so sorry to hear that you had a tough day.

1605
01:37:10.700 --> 01:37:13.380
You know, I'd, I'd love to talk to you on a day that you're

1606
01:37:13.380 --> 01:37:16.400
feeling a little bit better. And you know, where we can just kind

1607
01:37:16.400 --> 01:37:19.920
of focus on getting to know each other without going into

1608
01:37:20.180 --> 01:37:23.500
just the struggles of life, you know, and you just kind of

1609
01:37:23.500 --> 01:37:26.540
redirect it. And if you know, they react, and they don't like

1610
01:37:26.540 --> 01:37:29.100
it, well, then you, you know, something else that you need to

1611
01:37:29.100 --> 01:37:32.240
know about that person, if they respond, and they're like, Yeah,

1612
01:37:32.240 --> 01:37:36.480
you know, I probably should talk to you on a on another day, then

1613
01:37:36.480 --> 01:37:39.460
you guys just close it down and connect on a day where you don't

1614
01:37:39.460 --> 01:37:42.600
have all that baggage in between just trying to get to know each

1615
01:37:42.600 --> 01:37:42.980
other.

1616
01:37:43.540 --> 01:37:47.720
Yeah, I think at the beginning of these things going on, we

1617
01:37:47.720 --> 01:37:50.080
kind of started there. And then as more and more things

1618
01:37:50.080 --> 01:37:54.480
were going wrong, and I just, I don't know, I think my natural

1619
01:37:54.500 --> 01:37:58.380
interpolation was just didn't ask more questions. And so

1620
01:37:58.380 --> 01:38:02.480
anyway, at this point, I just sent him a message last night.

1621
01:38:02.780 --> 01:38:05.400
And just because he stopped like even reading, he would ask me

1622
01:38:05.400 --> 01:38:07.800
something, I would reply, and then he wouldn't even read my

1623
01:38:07.800 --> 01:38:11.260
reply to like the next day. So I was like, Okay, something's very

1624
01:38:11.260 --> 01:38:14.960
off here. So I just said to him, I just said, I sent him a couple

1625
01:38:14.960 --> 01:38:17.560
of things of scripture that I felt like I should send him to

1626
01:38:17.660 --> 01:38:20.280
encourage him and just recommended that if he has a

1627
01:38:20.280 --> 01:38:23.340
pastor or another counselor, somebody that he can talk to,

1628
01:38:23.380 --> 01:38:26.840
the you know, don't even don't even do that.

1629
01:38:27.860 --> 01:38:28.340
No,

1630
01:38:28.340 --> 01:38:31.200
how can you be supportive and kind to a fellow Christian,

1631
01:38:31.420 --> 01:38:32.980
though, and not say anything?

1632
01:38:33.260 --> 01:38:36.740
Because here's the thing, you're not his mom. And you're not,

1633
01:38:37.220 --> 01:38:38.740
you're not there to fix him.

1634
01:38:38.900 --> 01:38:43.060
I'm not trying to, but I feel like it's your natural stranger

1635
01:38:43.060 --> 01:38:45.860
on the street who is saying something to me. And we're

1636
01:38:46.020 --> 01:38:48.460
talking about Christianity. I'll, I'll give him a scripture.

1637
01:38:48.660 --> 01:38:51.280
I'll just, you know, like, I don't feel like I can just be

1638
01:38:51.280 --> 01:38:53.420
like, sorry, I don't care. You know, like, that's,

1639
01:38:54.640 --> 01:38:57.420
I want you to see something that's happening right now.

1640
01:38:57.960 --> 01:39:01.400
When I mentioned that you shifted to defense defender,

1641
01:39:02.020 --> 01:39:05.500
okay, I'm, it's okay. I'm struggling because I really want

1642
01:39:05.500 --> 01:39:09.360
to understand this better. And I don't. This is the part I don't

1643
01:39:09.360 --> 01:39:11.900
know. And so it's me trying to clarify.

1644
01:39:14.100 --> 01:39:15.600
Yeah, I'm trying to help you.

1645
01:39:15.600 --> 01:39:17.980
Because this is the same kind of thing I used to struggle with.

1646
01:39:17.980 --> 01:39:23.540
I wanted to help everybody, okay, including the guys I was

1647
01:39:23.540 --> 01:39:28.800
dating. And I wanted to fix their problems. I, I had a need

1648
01:39:28.800 --> 01:39:34.160
to feel needed. Because I grew up taking care of everybody in

1649
01:39:34.160 --> 01:39:38.360
my life, literally. And I didn't, I had to learn how to, it

1650
01:39:38.360 --> 01:39:41.180
doesn't mean I don't care about people I cared about every

1651
01:39:41.180 --> 01:39:47.280
person I met, but it wasn't my job to fix them. And I could

1652
01:39:47.280 --> 01:39:50.120
set a boundary because in the past to what would happen is

1653
01:39:50.120 --> 01:39:54.480
that because I grew up in a church where there was a lot of

1654
01:39:54.480 --> 01:39:57.940
spiritual abuse, a lot of religion as well. And so even in

1655
01:39:57.940 --> 01:39:59.980
that I was always like, Oh, I got to send everybody

1656
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:05.180
scripture. I gotta, I gotta sow the seed into everybody, and I gotta save everybody." No.

1657
01:40:06.300 --> 01:40:15.660
God is the one that saves people, and I don't have to be that person for every person that I meet.

1658
01:40:15.940 --> 01:40:24.360
And so I gave myself permission to set a boundary this time, or this last time around,

1659
01:40:24.360 --> 01:40:30.800
couple years ago, to not send Brian a bunch of scriptures. He's a pastor.

1660
01:40:33.120 --> 01:40:38.280
He can read the Bible. I didn't need... Now, there was on occasion, like, you know,

1661
01:40:38.280 --> 01:40:41.940
I'd let him know when he got sick, I care about you and praying for you. I would say something

1662
01:40:41.940 --> 01:40:48.960
like that. But I didn't, I didn't, I shifted out of, like, I gotta solve the problems here,

1663
01:40:49.600 --> 01:40:58.320
into I just get to date and have fun. And when we want to have a spiritual conversation after

1664
01:40:58.320 --> 01:41:04.200
we were exclusive, and we had conversations about our beliefs and things like that as we

1665
01:41:04.200 --> 01:41:09.640
were getting to know each other, but you all, we didn't pray together until we were engaged.

1666
01:41:10.040 --> 01:41:17.520
We didn't do a bunch of devotionals together. Because he and I both agree that you start to

1667
01:41:17.520 --> 01:41:24.340
way too connected spiritually, when you haven't even built a relational foundation,

1668
01:41:24.840 --> 01:41:30.120
which is what a lot of people do and Jackie coaches on it. Doesn't mean you can't ever do

1669
01:41:30.120 --> 01:41:35.100
that stuff. It just means like, some of us we get we get all the cart before the horse. If they

1670
01:41:35.100 --> 01:41:39.180
send us a scripture, we're like, we're like, Oh my god, they're so spiritual. That's what I did

1671
01:41:39.180 --> 01:41:44.480
with my spiritual daughter's dad. He went to church every Sunday, you all. He sat next to

1672
01:41:44.480 --> 01:41:50.540
every Sunday and was cheating on me all the time while doing it. Truth.

1673
01:41:52.040 --> 01:41:58.380
He sent me scriptures. He went on social media when we first met and declared how I was the

1674
01:41:58.380 --> 01:42:03.760
best thing that ever happened to him and God sent me to him. Well, I do think that is true.

1675
01:42:04.820 --> 01:42:09.180
Because I blessed his life tremendously. And I'm not saying that to be prideful, you all.

1676
01:42:09.180 --> 01:42:16.680
I blessed that man and his children tremendously. But I also let myself be taken advantage of and

1677
01:42:16.680 --> 01:42:23.720
I allowed myself to be minimized and treated very, very badly. So I'm saying all that to you to say,

1678
01:42:24.080 --> 01:42:28.920
a lot of the times I was always trying to help him and he was in this place of struggle all the

1679
01:42:28.920 --> 01:42:33.040
time. He was always in desperation. And I was always trying to help him get out of that place.

1680
01:42:33.040 --> 01:42:39.920
Yeah, that's not a fun cycle to be in. So part of what we have to do is we need to turn

1681
01:42:40.220 --> 01:42:46.060
off our like, and like, we literally have to just remind yourself, okay, I'm going on this date to

1682
01:42:46.060 --> 01:42:51.160
have fun. Even if they mentioned something that they're having a hard time with, I don't have to

1683
01:42:51.160 --> 01:42:58.400
fix that. Like you all, I literally would just coach myself and remind myself when things were

1684
01:42:58.530 --> 01:43:02.610
so that I wouldn't keep getting tripped up with that stuff.

1685
01:43:05.410 --> 01:43:11.450
So I would put some guardrails in place for yourself. You know, here's where an accountability

1686
01:43:11.450 --> 01:43:16.930
partner for you would come really in handy. Like, hey, Carla, call me after your date.

1687
01:43:17.310 --> 01:43:21.710
You can talk to them about what you did on your date, what you guys talk about,

1688
01:43:21.830 --> 01:43:26.590
you know, and when you go too far in conversation, they can lovingly say, hey,

1689
01:43:26.590 --> 01:43:31.090
remember, you don't have to fix them. Remember, you get to just have fun right now.

1690
01:43:31.090 --> 01:43:36.590
I can't tell you how many times Jackie Dorman said to me, Bethany, just have fun. Bethany,

1691
01:43:36.810 --> 01:43:43.230
just have fun. Y'all like literally all the time. Because I had to learn how to

1692
01:43:44.310 --> 01:43:51.530
not be so spiritual that I couldn't have fun and to get out of the fixer helper place

1693
01:43:51.530 --> 01:44:00.210
and just learn how to date. So put some guardrails in place for yourself. Again,

1694
01:44:00.210 --> 01:44:05.210
it's practicing. So, you know, I would go back and listen to the recording because the,

1695
01:44:05.830 --> 01:44:11.790
let me look and see here. It might be that first one, the dependency versus interdependency.

1696
01:44:12.370 --> 01:44:16.250
You know, it said the red flag is looking for someone to make decisions for you,

1697
01:44:16.250 --> 01:44:23.210
fix problems, provide constant validation. You know, you can flip that. Well, do they

1698
01:44:23.210 --> 01:44:31.190
always have problems that need fixing? If so, they might not be in a place that they're ready

1699
01:44:31.190 --> 01:44:37.030
for a relationship. Right. I mean, that's kind of what I came to and just said,

1700
01:44:37.090 --> 01:44:41.410
it doesn't seem like you have the capacity to do anything right now. So basically,

1701
01:44:42.210 --> 01:44:46.550
that was why I sent him like, here's a scripture, go talk to someone else kind of thing.

1702
01:44:46.930 --> 01:44:52.690
But I would encourage you for anyone that this relates to, I would encourage you to look at

1703
01:44:52.690 --> 01:44:59.970
when is the first time you felt the need to fix the problem that wasn't your responsibility?

1704
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:03.960
ability to fix. And that, you know, even when you're younger,

1705
01:45:04.120 --> 01:45:08.500
really asking the Lord, when was the first time I felt like I had

1706
01:45:08.540 --> 01:45:12.960
to fix a problem that was not my responsibility to fix? What I

1707
01:45:12.960 --> 01:45:18.040
find happening with a lot of people is when is in this can

1708
01:45:18.040 --> 01:45:21.360
happen when you're older, too. But when as children, your

1709
01:45:21.360 --> 01:45:24.080
parents or your guardians or someone that's an authority over

1710
01:45:24.080 --> 01:45:28.460
you puts responsibility on you that is not yours as a child to

1711
01:45:29.080 --> 01:45:32.940
what happens is you carry that and then you feel this

1712
01:45:32.940 --> 01:45:36.380
responsibility for it. And then that kind of continues to happen

1713
01:45:36.380 --> 01:45:40.440
throughout your life. And so that's why sometimes we get into

1714
01:45:40.440 --> 01:45:43.920
these places where we're taking responsibility all the time for

1715
01:45:43.920 --> 01:45:47.780
other people's stuff and trying to fix them because we believe

1716
01:45:47.980 --> 01:45:52.100
we have to be responsible to do that, which is what you said, I

1717
01:45:52.100 --> 01:45:54.840
want to be a good person. I want to be kind and I want like I

1718
01:45:54.840 --> 01:45:59.300
want to show that I'm caring. Well, you are caring. You not

1719
01:45:59.300 --> 01:46:01.380
sending someone a scripture doesn't mean you're not caring,

1720
01:46:01.440 --> 01:46:05.160
or that you don't care. It just means you're not sending them a

1721
01:46:05.160 --> 01:46:09.080
scripture trying to fix them. But do you know when you when we

1722
01:46:09.080 --> 01:46:12.580
back out of our like emotion, and we're like, Okay, the truth

1723
01:46:12.580 --> 01:46:16.960
is, is that I am a good person. And I do care about that person.

1724
01:46:16.960 --> 01:46:20.920
I am and I'm enjoying getting to know them. But I get to let him

1725
01:46:21.000 --> 01:46:24.440
stay in the fun box right now. Yeah. Yeah.

1726
01:46:25.140 --> 01:46:30.700
I think that I don't remember so much about my childhood being

1727
01:46:30.700 --> 01:46:34.800
that but I know obviously, I've been a triplet mom, I had two

1728
01:46:34.800 --> 01:46:38.780
step kids, I was taking care of everybody and everything. And I

1729
01:46:38.780 --> 01:46:42.200
married two different husbands that both I was definitely

1730
01:46:42.200 --> 01:46:45.140
trying to be a savior to them and help them and thought I

1731
01:46:45.140 --> 01:46:47.280
could whatever and so I know I don't want to make that mistake.

1732
01:46:47.280 --> 01:46:53.000
But I also am realizing as you're talking that I definitely

1733
01:46:53.000 --> 01:46:56.820
feel like I've been affected by having that brain surgery. And

1734
01:46:56.820 --> 01:47:00.500
after that, I couldn't for months, I couldn't even like

1735
01:47:00.500 --> 01:47:02.560
emotionally regulate myself or anyone else. And I felt like I

1736
01:47:02.560 --> 01:47:06.720
was zero contribution to anybody in any way. And so it just felt

1737
01:47:06.720 --> 01:47:11.180
like I finally can help people and I couldn't before. And so

1738
01:47:11.180 --> 01:47:13.980
now I'm just like, I want to help everybody I can, whoever I

1739
01:47:13.980 --> 01:47:15.120
meet, you know, like,

1740
01:47:15.120 --> 01:47:18.420
yeah, but you think about something you just said there is

1741
01:47:18.420 --> 01:47:21.820
that you've been having to learn emotional regulation again. And

1742
01:47:21.820 --> 01:47:24.720
so I want you to kind of think about that too. And my heart

1743
01:47:24.720 --> 01:47:28.340
goes out to you. I my mom had a brain injury. I saw her struggle

1744
01:47:28.340 --> 01:47:33.240
in a lot like my mom, you know, in old age in a lot of ways. And

1745
01:47:33.240 --> 01:47:35.960
I don't not saying this is the same for you. But in a lot of

1746
01:47:35.960 --> 01:47:40.020
ways, she acted kind of young and had to learn how to mature

1747
01:47:40.020 --> 01:47:43.320
in areas again. And so for anyone that has gone through

1748
01:47:43.320 --> 01:47:46.000
that, you know, I know that's not easy, but understand that

1749
01:47:46.000 --> 01:47:48.420
you might have to, that's where these guardrails are going to

1750
01:47:48.420 --> 01:47:52.560
come into play. And they'll help you kind of retrain yourself in

1751
01:47:52.560 --> 01:47:56.500
regards to this too, that you'll come back into balance. And

1752
01:47:56.500 --> 01:47:58.920
maybe that's why we're having this conversation tonight to

1753
01:47:58.920 --> 01:48:02.500
help you, you know, your pendulum probably swung, you

1754
01:48:02.500 --> 01:48:05.240
know, the other side, and now it's kind of swinging back, and

1755
01:48:05.240 --> 01:48:08.380
it'll start to, it'll start to come back in, and it'll kind of

1756
01:48:08.380 --> 01:48:13.300
come into that good place. But it might take you having, you

1757
01:48:13.300 --> 01:48:15.980
know, having these conversations, you did a great

1758
01:48:15.980 --> 01:48:19.320
job. I know that it was tough in the beginning. But I wanted you

1759
01:48:19.320 --> 01:48:23.140
to like, know that you were safe with me, I wanted to help you.

1760
01:48:23.680 --> 01:48:26.220
But ladies and gentlemen, sometimes this is where it can

1761
01:48:26.220 --> 01:48:29.280
get really uncomfortable, but just know, like, I love you

1762
01:48:29.160 --> 01:48:32.980
guys. And all my heart's desire is to help you get from where

1763
01:48:32.980 --> 01:48:38.040
you are, to the next step to where you need to go. And so I'm

1764
01:48:38.040 --> 01:48:40.700
willing to have, you know, kind of that tough moment and

1765
01:48:40.700 --> 01:48:43.780
uncomfortable moment to hopefully help you all get

1766
01:48:43.780 --> 01:48:47.440
there. And so we're praying for you. And I'm excited to see

1767
01:48:47.440 --> 01:48:51.720
where this is going to lead you. And, you know, great job on

1768
01:48:51.720 --> 01:48:54.660
letting him know kind of, hey, I think you're, you know, not in

1769
01:48:54.660 --> 01:48:58.080
the right, that was you choosing to value yourself. And that's a

1770
01:48:58.080 --> 01:49:00.900
key win. So I hope that you really celebrate that in

1771
01:49:00.900 --> 01:49:03.820
yourself tonight. Thank you. You're welcome. Thanks for

1772
01:49:03.920 --> 01:49:12.080
sharing that with us. Marlee. Hi. Hi. Hi. Okay, so so I'll go

1773
01:49:12.080 --> 01:49:16.680
back to one of the things that you talked about earlier in the

1774
01:49:17.280 --> 01:49:24.880
session about making space for our spirit mate. And so I have a

1775
01:49:24.880 --> 01:49:28.160
friend, a male friend, I'm not interested in him. I don't think

1776
01:49:28.160 --> 01:49:31.020
he's interested in me either. We've been friends for decades

1777
01:49:31.020 --> 01:49:35.180
now. And we love a lot of the same things, nature

1778
01:49:35.220 --> 01:49:40.540
photography, have beautiful conversations and all. And, and

1779
01:49:41.700 --> 01:49:46.440
so recently said, Oh, it would be nice to hang out more, or

1780
01:49:46.440 --> 01:49:51.980
hang out period. So he set a time in his calendar, in our

1781
01:49:51.980 --> 01:49:57.980
calendars to meet at what he was suggesting was every two weeks,

1782
01:49:57.980 --> 01:49:59.600
we go for an hour or something.

1783
01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:04.220
coffee, for a walk, whatever, riding our bicycles, whatever.

1784
01:50:04.980 --> 01:50:07.780
And I said, well, maybe every two, three weeks.

1785
01:50:07.880 --> 01:50:10.480
So I just want to have some tips

1786
01:50:11.520 --> 01:50:14.900
so that there's that balance, right?

1787
01:50:15.080 --> 01:50:20.040
Being time for, but not completely neglecting

1788
01:50:21.720 --> 01:50:25.240
or depriving myself from, because I enjoy his company

1789
01:50:25.240 --> 01:50:25.980
and I'm sure he does.

1790
01:50:26.080 --> 01:50:28.840
And we have great conversations about work and all,

1791
01:50:28.840 --> 01:50:32.680
but so yeah, some tips maybe regarding that.

1792
01:50:32.960 --> 01:50:35.380
And there's a question that is in the chat

1793
01:50:35.380 --> 01:50:37.060
that has been coming back and I have as well.

1794
01:50:37.440 --> 01:50:40.040
How do we get an accountability partner?

1795
01:50:40.280 --> 01:50:41.380
So I'm just-

1796
01:50:41.380 --> 01:50:42.520
Yeah, you just ask someone.

1797
01:50:43.020 --> 01:50:46.100
Like when I was going through my dating again,

1798
01:50:46.120 --> 01:50:49.820
I reached out to, I had the coaching group and I came in.

1799
01:50:49.860 --> 01:50:52.460
So number one, y'all use the coaching group,

1800
01:50:52.700 --> 01:50:54.040
stay accountable in community.

1801
01:50:54.120 --> 01:50:55.720
That's what we're here for.

1802
01:50:55.820 --> 01:50:57.340
So I did that all the time.

1803
01:50:58.000 --> 01:51:01.940
And then I had two people that I would talk to

1804
01:51:02.120 --> 01:51:04.300
after dates that I felt comfortable with

1805
01:51:04.360 --> 01:51:06.700
that were in the same season as me,

1806
01:51:06.700 --> 01:51:09.520
not people that we're gonna kind of judge

1807
01:51:09.520 --> 01:51:10.420
and all that kind of stuff.

1808
01:51:10.900 --> 01:51:13.500
And I would just be, I was accountable to them.

1809
01:51:13.540 --> 01:51:15.360
Like I would talk to them about my experience

1810
01:51:15.360 --> 01:51:17.520
and we would kind of process it out together.

1811
01:51:18.860 --> 01:51:22.560
And they were people that knew my history as well

1812
01:51:22.560 --> 01:51:24.220
and what tripped me up in the past.

1813
01:51:24.260 --> 01:51:26.920
And so I was able to kind of just make sure

1814
01:51:26.920 --> 01:51:30.660
that I was choosing differently this time.

1815
01:51:31.780 --> 01:51:34.500
And so, yeah, I just think, again,

1816
01:51:34.620 --> 01:51:37.320
let it be someone who is a safe place,

1817
01:51:37.380 --> 01:51:39.100
but someone who will hold you accountable.

1818
01:51:40.060 --> 01:51:42.280
Like basically speaking truth to you in love,

1819
01:51:42.580 --> 01:51:44.920
having those hard conversations if they're needed

1820
01:51:44.920 --> 01:51:45.820
is really important.

1821
01:51:46.640 --> 01:51:50.420
So my question, I know you said that there's no intimacy.

1822
01:51:50.600 --> 01:51:51.920
He doesn't like you, you don't like him,

1823
01:51:51.920 --> 01:51:54.940
but now he's asking to spend more time with you.

1824
01:51:55.540 --> 01:51:58.380
Are you sure that he doesn't like you?

1825
01:52:01.060 --> 01:52:02.080
Pretty sure.

1826
01:52:03.380 --> 01:52:04.140
Pretty sure.

1827
01:52:04.580 --> 01:52:05.440
I'm just saying normally,

1828
01:52:05.640 --> 01:52:08.060
unless it is just you guys are feeling a need

1829
01:52:08.060 --> 01:52:10.900
in each other, okay, which is possible.

1830
01:52:11.580 --> 01:52:15.520
But typically if a guy is asking to spend more time with you

1831
01:52:15.600 --> 01:52:20.220
then he is enjoying that time and he wants more of it.

1832
01:52:20.220 --> 01:52:22.320
So that's why he's asking you to spend more time with him.

1833
01:52:22.320 --> 01:52:26.780
But if he's not willing to ask you on a date

1834
01:52:26.780 --> 01:52:29.280
or take it to the next level, it doesn't mean I'm...

1835
01:52:29.280 --> 01:52:30.280
You guys, I'm not saying you guys

1836
01:52:30.280 --> 01:52:31.700
all have to get rid of all your friends,

1837
01:52:31.740 --> 01:52:37.460
but I'm just saying that sometimes it's very tough

1838
01:52:37.580 --> 01:52:41.060
for you to enter a relationship with your spirit mate

1839
01:52:41.720 --> 01:52:44.780
when you have such an intimate relationship

1840
01:52:44.780 --> 01:52:47.380
with this other guy or vice versa,

1841
01:52:47.620 --> 01:52:49.920
a man that has these women friends,

1842
01:52:49.920 --> 01:52:53.280
that he's super intimate and shares his life with them.

1843
01:52:54.620 --> 01:53:00.400
And so that typically doesn't coexist really well

1844
01:53:01.020 --> 01:53:02.260
from my experience.

1845
01:53:02.380 --> 01:53:04.080
I'm not saying it never does.

1846
01:53:04.180 --> 01:53:05.820
I'm just saying a lot of the time.

1847
01:53:06.420 --> 01:53:09.980
And so again, I would ask you similar to what I asked Don

1848
01:53:09.980 --> 01:53:11.620
to really ask the Lord.

1849
01:53:11.860 --> 01:53:14.500
I'm not saying you can't go have fun with this guy, okay?

1850
01:53:14.540 --> 01:53:16.440
But I do want you just to do a little bit

1851
01:53:16.440 --> 01:53:17.420
of heartwork around this.

1852
01:53:18.420 --> 01:53:21.160
For the Lord to reveal to you what needs

1853
01:53:21.160 --> 01:53:25.200
is this man meeting in your life right now, okay?

1854
01:53:26.120 --> 01:53:29.380
And God, do you want this man to continue

1855
01:53:29.380 --> 01:53:30.840
to meet those needs in my life?

1856
01:53:32.800 --> 01:53:35.160
And let the Lord show you.

1857
01:53:36.660 --> 01:53:38.620
Because I don't want you guys feeling like,

1858
01:53:38.620 --> 01:53:41.480
Bethany told everyone to get rid of all of their friends,

1859
01:53:42.580 --> 01:53:44.060
if they're the other gender.

1860
01:53:44.120 --> 01:53:45.800
I'm not fully saying that.

1861
01:53:45.800 --> 01:53:48.220
I'm just saying that this is an area

1862
01:53:48.220 --> 01:53:49.740
that people get really tripped up

1863
01:53:49.740 --> 01:53:54.140
and they spend many years just being friends with someone

1864
01:53:54.140 --> 01:53:55.440
and spending a lot of,

1865
01:53:56.080 --> 01:53:58.660
think of the time that you're spending with him,

1866
01:53:59.120 --> 01:54:02.040
that you could be out meeting new friends,

1867
01:54:02.300 --> 01:54:04.980
maybe going on a date with someone new.

1868
01:54:05.860 --> 01:54:08.960
And so that's where, even with that guy

1869
01:54:08.960 --> 01:54:10.760
that wanted to still be my friend,

1870
01:54:10.860 --> 01:54:12.740
I'm like, we can still be friends,

1871
01:54:12.740 --> 01:54:15.700
but I'm not gonna get on Zoom and hang out.

1872
01:54:16.940 --> 01:54:19.360
And what I meant by that is we were friends on Facebook

1873
01:54:19.360 --> 01:54:20.720
and that was good enough for me.

1874
01:54:21.260 --> 01:54:21.580
Yeah.

1875
01:54:21.620 --> 01:54:24.920
In this case, I think it's because things

1876
01:54:24.920 --> 01:54:29.800
have been really slow on the dating side.

1877
01:54:31.260 --> 01:54:32.460
And yeah.

1878
01:54:33.460 --> 01:54:37.500
So are you saying to us that if you had a guy

1879
01:54:37.500 --> 01:54:39.820
that was interested in dating you,

1880
01:54:40.380 --> 01:54:42.800
that you would spend less time with this guy friend?

1881
01:54:43.880 --> 01:54:43.880


1882
01:54:45.700 --> 01:54:48.240
That might be very telling there, Marley.

1883
01:54:50.680 --> 01:54:53.300
Again, I'm not saying that it's bad to have a friend,

1884
01:54:53.600 --> 01:54:58.380
but I think that we sometimes have these friends

1885
01:54:58.720 --> 01:54:59.800
because again,

1886
01:55:00.000 --> 01:55:07.600
we don't want to be lonely and it fills a void that we have. Yeah and yeah sorry go ahead go

1887
01:55:07.600 --> 01:55:14.020
ahead. I was gonna say and it's not even that we we spend we spend that much time together

1888
01:55:14.720 --> 01:55:23.840
um like we it was a long weekend here in Canada this weekend so we saw each other um um on Monday

1889
01:55:24.400 --> 01:55:31.840
and and so our booked time was supposed to be yesterday and I said no well we will we'll see

1890
01:55:31.840 --> 01:55:40.080
each other the next time around right um so it's not that we spend that much time together

1891
01:55:40.840 --> 01:55:48.020
but we do. Yeah yeah and again I'm not saying that it means you guys are constantly together

1892
01:55:48.020 --> 01:55:54.260
but the reality is is that's like um Megan put in the chat like do you have other girlfriends

1893
01:55:54.260 --> 01:56:01.880
you want to hang out with instead like you know um so let's just consider let's just talk to the

1894
01:56:01.880 --> 01:56:06.460
Lord about it a little bit and let him lead you in this and again I'm not saying that you have

1895
01:56:06.460 --> 01:56:11.320
to just not be friends with this guy today but I just want you to be praying about you know

1896
01:56:12.400 --> 01:56:18.960
what is it that he's getting out of this friendship as well you know because here's

1897
01:56:18.960 --> 01:56:27.660
the reality too is like do we believe God is going to send us a spirit mate and are we doing

1898
01:56:27.680 --> 01:56:34.400
everything we can right now to make the room in the space for them before they come which is one

1899
01:56:34.400 --> 01:56:39.780
of the things that was on the points tonight you know are we doing these things before they get

1900
01:56:39.780 --> 01:56:45.580
here so that when they get here then we're not in this awkward situation of like oh now I got a

1901
01:56:45.580 --> 01:56:50.260
spirit mate now I gotta handle this situation with this friend that's a guy over here and

1902
01:56:50.780 --> 01:56:55.880
what if he doesn't like that and you know all those kind of things and so again it's okay to

1903
01:56:55.880 --> 01:56:59.700
take time to process this but I just want you to be praying about it and I did want to circle back

1904
01:56:59.700 --> 01:57:03.700
as I start to close I want to circle back to one thing I was saying because I don't want it to be

1905
01:57:03.820 --> 01:57:10.740
taken out of context either shoot now I think I've lost my train of thought I was something I

1906
01:57:10.740 --> 01:57:19.620
said earlier and I wanted to make sure now I'm not going to be able to think of it let me see

1907
01:57:19.620 --> 01:57:31.600
if I can scroll back and see the comments because something I was saying sorry guys I just it was

1908
01:57:31.600 --> 01:57:35.780
really good point and I wanted to make sure everybody understood what I was saying

1909
01:57:43.160 --> 01:57:49.400
oh I know what it was um so when I said about the guy going on the date and then calling Lolita

1910
01:57:49.520 --> 01:57:56.360
after and I was like get out of here but here's the thing it's because he told her that I want

1911
01:57:56.360 --> 01:58:03.360
sure that part's clear because I was thinking like you know I think I remember going on a date

1912
01:58:03.620 --> 01:58:09.840
and then getting home and calling a different guy after and but I didn't tell the guys that I did

1913
01:58:09.860 --> 01:58:18.420
that they didn't need to know that but I I had an in-person date and then I had a video date after

1914
01:58:18.420 --> 01:58:23.080
but I wasn't sitting talking to the different guys about that does that make sense I wanted

1915
01:58:23.080 --> 01:58:29.260
to kind of differentiate that because when you are in that level one and you're or level two

1916
01:58:29.260 --> 01:58:33.400
where you're starting to get to know a couple people you know some of you guys I know you're

1917
01:58:33.400 --> 01:58:38.020
not into you know dating more than one person but if you are getting to know more than one person

1918
01:58:38.360 --> 01:58:44.260
I don't want you to think I'm saying you can't you can't go on a date or and talk to someone

1919
01:58:44.500 --> 01:58:51.280
different it's that they again this guy was telling her about it that to me always feels

1920
01:58:51.280 --> 01:58:57.160
wrong like why are they doing that are they trying to make us jealous that's unhealthy so that's the

1921
01:58:57.160 --> 01:59:02.700
part for me that was not the healthy healthy uh healthiest thing that could have been done there

1922
01:59:02.720 --> 01:59:07.840
now if he had just gone on that date and never said anything and just allowed himself to get to

1923
01:59:07.840 --> 01:59:15.140
know lolita separate from that then okay right because then he's valuing both people and there's

1924
01:59:15.140 --> 01:59:19.680
not this contention and stuff going on all right well let me close this down this has been a great

1925
01:59:19.680 --> 01:59:25.180
night if you guys have questions from things I said I will do my best to get into the phase three

1926
01:59:25.180 --> 01:59:29.600
and the men's group in the next few days I know the men sometimes you guys are like

1927
01:59:29.800 --> 01:59:34.780
is anyone out there I just want you to know I do try to come in every now and then and check on you

1928
01:59:35.380 --> 01:59:40.040
guys um so I'll do my best to show up there in the next few days if you guys have questions too

1929
01:59:40.040 --> 01:59:45.660
all right uh let me pray us out father thank you so much for this night god I thank you for all

1930
01:59:45.660 --> 01:59:50.160
feelings for healing that are happening god I pray that more will come I pray that you would

1931
01:59:50.160 --> 01:59:55.400
just give us uh dreams and visions and revelations of who you have for us just like we started

1932
01:59:55.400 --> 01:59:59.980
tonight that when we look in the mirror god that we wouldn't see ourselves but we would see the

1933
02:00:00.000 --> 02:00:07.320
person that you have for us, that the person that we believe we deserve and that we are moving

1934
02:00:07.360 --> 02:00:13.060
towards. And Lord, if that isn't someone that looks healthy, I pray that you'll help us to

1935
02:00:13.060 --> 02:00:17.720
shift in the areas of our hearts that we need to so that we can step further into the fullness of

1936
02:00:17.720 --> 02:00:23.840
who you originally created us to be. I pray for spirit mate connections accelerating in this

1937
02:00:24.540 --> 02:00:31.520
God, I thank you for just continuing to breathe a fresh wind of fresh hope and encouragement into

1938
02:00:31.680 --> 02:00:35.580
everyone that is here, those that will watch the replay. And I just thank you God for your

1939
02:00:35.580 --> 02:00:41.120
blessings upon our life in Jesus name. Amen. God bless you. Have a good night, everybody.

1940
02:00:42.520 --> 02:00:43.460
Thank you, Bethany.