WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:12.560 Navigating disappointment with emotional intelligence and maturity. 2 00:00:12.560 --> 00:00:19.400 Disappointment in relationships often invites us to grow in emotional intelligence and self-awareness. 3 00:00:19.400 --> 00:00:25.560 When we feel let down, it's an opportunity to separate past patterns from present realities, 4 00:00:25.560 --> 00:00:32.400 discern relational dynamics, and realign priorities in ways that reflect maturity, 5 00:00:32.400 --> 00:00:37.600 reciprocity, and love. 6 00:00:37.600 --> 00:00:38.600 Step 1. 7 00:00:38.600 --> 00:00:41.560 Pause and reflect. 8 00:00:41.560 --> 00:00:44.000 Separate past from present. 9 00:00:44.000 --> 00:01:08.960 Ask, how is this relationship or interaction similar to or different from past relationships? 10 00:01:08.960 --> 00:01:28.960 Recognize the patterns from your history that might be impacting the present. 11 00:01:28.960 --> 00:01:41.960 Gain clarity by differentiating between the current person and the past. 12 00:01:41.960 --> 00:01:47.640 You could put a column for one, a column for the other, noticing what feels familiar and 13 00:01:47.640 --> 00:01:50.160 then also noticing what might be different. 14 00:01:50.160 --> 00:01:56.400 You can invite the Holy Spirit in for illumination and discernment here. 15 00:01:56.400 --> 00:02:03.160 Use your emotions as a signal just to gain some understanding and clarity here for your 16 00:02:03.160 --> 00:02:07.680 own self. 17 00:02:07.680 --> 00:02:09.039 This might take some time. 18 00:02:09.039 --> 00:02:13.160 You may need to pause this and spend some time on this. 19 00:02:13.160 --> 00:02:17.480 Again, right now, you're just noticing these things. 20 00:02:17.480 --> 00:02:23.600 You're not really doing anything about it yet other than recognizing, getting illumination 21 00:02:23.600 --> 00:02:28.240 and awareness. 22 00:02:28.240 --> 00:02:29.240 Step 2. 23 00:02:29.240 --> 00:02:33.200 Gain clarity on communication. 24 00:02:33.200 --> 00:02:34.280 Define your intentions. 25 00:02:34.280 --> 00:02:39.260 What am I hoping to communicate to this person? 26 00:02:39.260 --> 00:02:42.320 What am I hoping to receive in response? 27 00:02:42.320 --> 00:02:44.700 This is the current relationship. 28 00:02:44.700 --> 00:02:47.840 So what am I hoping maybe to get from this person? 29 00:02:47.840 --> 00:02:49.880 What am I hoping from this interaction? 30 00:02:49.880 --> 00:02:53.920 Or if you've had the interaction, what was I hoping from that interaction? 31 00:02:53.920 --> 00:02:57.080 What had I hoped to receive? 32 00:02:57.080 --> 00:03:00.880 What didn't I receive? 33 00:03:00.880 --> 00:03:04.680 What felt frustrating? 34 00:03:04.680 --> 00:03:13.840 What unmet need maybe didn't get met there? 35 00:03:13.840 --> 00:03:21.560 So you're paying attention to the impact and clarity on what was communicated and maybe 36 00:03:21.560 --> 00:03:25.680 what wasn't communicated that you had hoped for. 37 00:03:25.680 --> 00:03:36.640 Invite the spirit into this to just illuminate, giving awareness. 38 00:03:36.640 --> 00:03:44.680 Now as you're considering this current relationship, I want you to reflect on their role. 39 00:03:44.680 --> 00:03:48.560 What role is this person currently in my life? 40 00:03:48.560 --> 00:03:52.200 Do they need to hold that role? 41 00:03:52.200 --> 00:04:01.720 For example, if this is a friend, I want you to pay attention to how much time, energy 42 00:04:01.720 --> 00:04:04.880 and effort am I investing in this? 43 00:04:04.880 --> 00:04:07.720 Maybe I want to invest more. 44 00:04:07.720 --> 00:04:14.320 Maybe you're noticing I'm not investing what I think I would typically, or you're starting 45 00:04:14.320 --> 00:04:16.519 to get some self-awareness there. 46 00:04:16.519 --> 00:04:23.240 Or maybe you're noticing that you're investing too much and it's not reciprocal and that 47 00:04:23.240 --> 00:04:30.320 might be causing some frustration or disappointment in the relationship or in your experience 48 00:04:30.320 --> 00:04:33.320 that you're attuning to. 49 00:04:33.320 --> 00:04:39.200 So I want you just to pay attention to what role, because we want to align the role with 50 00:04:39.200 --> 00:04:42.480 the intentionality. 51 00:04:42.480 --> 00:04:48.360 Just getting curious, even Jesus had his inner circle, so we want to pay attention to that. 52 00:04:48.360 --> 00:04:52.600 And that's with intentionality, are there shared values here? 53 00:04:52.600 --> 00:04:56.920 Is this a trustworthy person? 54 00:04:56.920 --> 00:04:59.760 Some questions you might want to define. 55 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:02.920 Do I want in my inner circle? 56 00:05:02.920 --> 00:05:07.920 What qualities do I need them to have? 57 00:05:07.920 --> 00:05:11.280 What values do we align on? 58 00:05:11.280 --> 00:05:16.600 How much time, energy, and effort do I want to invest in this relationship? 59 00:05:16.600 --> 00:05:20.080 Is it reciprocal? 60 00:05:20.080 --> 00:05:25.400 Remember the difference between a ministry and a relationship. 61 00:05:25.400 --> 00:05:34.120 A ministry is one way, and a relationship is two ways, and maybe defining that, maybe 62 00:05:34.120 --> 00:05:41.260 even defining that for the other person so that they aren't misunderstanding the relationship. 63 00:05:41.260 --> 00:05:44.480 How might God be shifting this relationship? 64 00:05:44.480 --> 00:05:45.480 Is he shifting it? 65 00:05:45.480 --> 00:05:49.540 He might not be, but if he is, how is he? 66 00:05:49.540 --> 00:05:51.800 What is he teaching me through this dynamic? 67 00:05:51.800 --> 00:05:52.800 What am I learning? 68 00:05:53.000 --> 00:05:56.000 What am I becoming maybe more aware of? 69 00:05:56.000 --> 00:06:00.920 Awareness will lead to clarity that then can lead to action. 70 00:06:00.920 --> 00:06:07.620 Am I holding on to this person, maybe out of habit, fear? 71 00:06:07.620 --> 00:06:09.360 That's a good one to pay attention to. 72 00:06:09.360 --> 00:06:17.560 Am I just afraid to let this person go because I'm struggling with an ability to be by myself? 73 00:06:17.560 --> 00:06:22.440 Maybe I'm afraid of abandonment or something else needs to be looked at, and that would 74 00:06:22.440 --> 00:06:26.700 go back to our primary caregiver. 75 00:06:26.700 --> 00:06:32.160 Maybe what role they did or didn't play in our lives, and talking to a counselor about 76 00:06:32.160 --> 00:06:40.680 that could help unpack that as well, or is there a misplaced hope here rather than intentionality? 77 00:06:40.680 --> 00:06:44.760 Is there a misplaced hope in a something that you're wanting them to give you that maybe 78 00:06:44.760 --> 00:06:48.480 they really can't, and then that is also just a skill deficit? 79 00:06:49.480 --> 00:06:55.960 As we're seeking emotional intelligence, understanding that we might be asking somebody to meet a 80 00:06:55.960 --> 00:07:02.640 need that they just are not capable of meeting, and then asking ourselves, well, what do I 81 00:07:02.640 --> 00:07:03.920 want to do about that? 82 00:07:03.920 --> 00:07:07.760 How can I get this need met in a different way, and what boundaries might I need to put 83 00:07:07.760 --> 00:07:15.080 in place in order so that I'm not drained and my capacity isn't drained in this situation? 84 00:07:15.080 --> 00:07:18.320 Evaluate your inner circle relationships. 85 00:07:18.320 --> 00:07:20.800 We talked about this already. 86 00:07:20.800 --> 00:07:24.640 Is there mutual respect, care, and investment? 87 00:07:24.640 --> 00:07:30.200 That's something if you feel that there is closeness in the relationship, and you are 88 00:07:30.200 --> 00:07:35.440 noticing maybe some unmet needs, these would be your relationships where you can have these 89 00:07:35.440 --> 00:07:36.440 conversations. 90 00:07:36.440 --> 00:07:38.880 At least that's the goal, right? 91 00:07:38.880 --> 00:07:45.280 To be able to say, hey, can I talk to you, and I'm noticing I'm feeling a little disappointed 92 00:07:45.280 --> 00:07:46.280 here. 93 00:07:46.280 --> 00:07:52.000 I'm hoping that we could spend more time together, and it's been difficult to not get 94 00:07:52.000 --> 00:07:53.000 to have time with you. 95 00:07:53.000 --> 00:07:58.840 Is there a way that, or however you communicate your bent, your personality style, your love 96 00:07:58.840 --> 00:08:04.440 language, and then considering the other person as well, and their bent personality and love 97 00:08:04.440 --> 00:08:05.440 language. 98 00:08:05.440 --> 00:08:11.680 That does take discernment, and prayer, intentionality. 99 00:08:11.680 --> 00:08:15.200 Maybe it's not the right timing to bring that up, or when would be the right timing? 100 00:08:15.200 --> 00:08:16.200 You could just ask them. 101 00:08:16.200 --> 00:08:17.520 What would be a good time to talk? 102 00:08:17.520 --> 00:08:21.040 I really miss talking to you. 103 00:08:21.040 --> 00:08:24.240 So that's where you can assess the reciprocity. 104 00:08:24.240 --> 00:08:31.040 Does this person also talk to me, and initiate communication with me about their own feelings, 105 00:08:31.040 --> 00:08:36.240 thoughts, disappointments, desires, hopes? 106 00:08:36.240 --> 00:08:42.039 That's a good thing if they do, if they can do that in a way that is respectful and kind, 107 00:08:42.039 --> 00:08:45.040 that does show a mutual investment in the relationship. 108 00:08:45.880 --> 00:08:49.360 Do they challenge you in love, and can I do the same for them? 109 00:08:49.360 --> 00:08:52.520 How do I feel after interacting with them? 110 00:08:52.520 --> 00:08:55.600 Something just to pay attention to, and get a little bit more awareness on. 111 00:08:55.600 --> 00:08:58.920 Am I energized at peace, or drained and unsettled? 112 00:08:58.920 --> 00:09:01.520 And people can play different roles in our lives. 113 00:09:01.520 --> 00:09:08.320 So just noticing that as well, and that can be a good thing. 114 00:09:08.320 --> 00:09:12.680 And step five, distinguish between friends, partners, and ministry. 115 00:09:12.680 --> 00:09:17.080 The nature of the relationship, a true friend or partner is mutual, both giving and receiving 116 00:09:17.080 --> 00:09:22.200 care and love, and initiating those sensitive conversations. 117 00:09:22.200 --> 00:09:27.880 A person who consistently requires your energy, effort, and care without reciprocity may be 118 00:09:27.880 --> 00:09:30.800 more of a ministry than a friend or a partner. 119 00:09:30.800 --> 00:09:37.680 Reflect, is this relationship one-sided, and if so, is it serving God's purpose in my well-being? 120 00:09:37.680 --> 00:09:44.600 Does he want it in my life as a ministry, if it is needing to be moved into that category more so? 121 00:09:44.600 --> 00:09:48.160 There could be an imbalance in the power structure. 122 00:09:48.160 --> 00:09:53.920 As a counselor, it's unethical to have those kinds of relationships with clients, and so 123 00:09:53.920 --> 00:09:57.280 those would never be a mutual relationship. 124 00:09:57.280 --> 00:10:00.040 So keeping that in mind as well, like, is it even a privilege? 125 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:05.400 appropriate for this to be? What would be the person's experience if this was? Do they 126 00:10:05.400 --> 00:10:10.200 feel comfortable being open and honest with me and vice versa? And what might be some 127 00:10:10.200 --> 00:10:15.240 of the dynamics in play? And then that could be a conversation. What is that like for you? 128 00:10:15.240 --> 00:10:20.840 If it is a work relationship, what a friendship in a work relationship might look like because 129 00:10:20.840 --> 00:10:25.480 we can't have friends and work relationships, but there might be a dynamic there that just 130 00:10:25.480 --> 00:10:32.020 needs to be talked about. And just the reality and truth on that in both people's experience 131 00:10:32.020 --> 00:10:38.720 can just be important to validate. Emotional attunement and validation. Checking in. What's 132 00:10:38.720 --> 00:10:45.720 coming up for you in this interaction? And it's okay to feel this way. Remember to practice 133 00:10:45.720 --> 00:10:52.880 self-compassion. I am loved, I am worthy, and I am capable of navigating these relationships. 134 00:10:52.880 --> 00:10:58.920 Referring yourself to what you're needing at times when there are those frustrations, 135 00:10:58.920 --> 00:11:06.560 when someone isn't capable of meeting that need. It's okay to pause and seek self-compassion 136 00:11:06.560 --> 00:11:12.440 and compassionate resourcing for your own self. Maybe I'm not getting emotional validation 137 00:11:12.440 --> 00:11:17.600 from this friend who I had hoped was a friend. Maybe what I need instead is to pause and 138 00:11:17.600 --> 00:11:24.600 seek that somewhere else. I notice disappointment. I notice frustration. This might just be a 139 00:11:25.160 --> 00:11:30.560 different relationship than I thought, and that can be difficult. And there can be grieving 140 00:11:30.560 --> 00:11:36.640 involved in that letting go of just the truth and reality of what they can provide in your 141 00:11:36.640 --> 00:11:41.620 life and what they can't. And that's why it can be really healthy and is really healthy 142 00:11:41.740 --> 00:11:48.740 to have multiple friendships and relationships. So define who's in your inner circle. Jesus 143 00:11:49.660 --> 00:11:55.180 had people in his inner circle. And then who's your next circle? Your next. Remember he had 144 00:11:55.180 --> 00:12:02.180 his three, he had his 12, and he had more than that. Determine your next steps. Decide 145 00:12:02.620 --> 00:12:06.420 how to move forward here. So you've noticed the disappointment. You've noticed maybe unmet 146 00:12:06.420 --> 00:12:12.740 needs. You're clarifying what might be coming up from past, differentiating present. You're 147 00:12:12.740 --> 00:12:17.820 clarifying the role of the relationship if it needs to shift. You're clarifying maybe 148 00:12:17.820 --> 00:12:23.420 what communication you need to have, what's been communicated, maybe what hasn't been 149 00:12:23.420 --> 00:12:29.220 communicated that needs to. Will you communicate your needs and boundaries with this person? 150 00:12:29.220 --> 00:12:35.140 So now you're deciding how to move forward. Is it necessary to? Does it even make sense 151 00:12:35.140 --> 00:12:42.140 to? So you're just deciding. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe it does. If so, what will you say? What 152 00:12:43.340 --> 00:12:49.380 do you want to say? What makes sense to you? And then how might you tailor that? Or just 153 00:12:49.380 --> 00:12:54.820 saying that exactly what you want and what you feel. Knowing this is a safe place to 154 00:12:54.820 --> 00:13:01.820 do that. If you aren't sure because you don't feel safe with this person and that can be 155 00:13:02.820 --> 00:13:09.820 a signal to maybe assess if this conversation can even happen or will just bring more frustration 156 00:13:12.420 --> 00:13:18.540 and disappointment. You might not know the outcome. So just being aware of maybe their 157 00:13:18.540 --> 00:13:24.740 limitations and even your own capacity. What would that be like for you? Maybe it's just 158 00:13:24.740 --> 00:13:30.620 not the right timing. If it's going to feel devastating right now, maybe saying, I guess 159 00:13:30.660 --> 00:13:36.820 I can't have this conversation right now. Might need to build up my own resources. That 160 00:13:36.820 --> 00:13:41.980 could be seeking therapeutic support. That could be doing other things to care for your 161 00:13:41.980 --> 00:13:48.300 body, mind, soul, and spirit so that you could be in a better place to have a difficult conversation 162 00:13:48.300 --> 00:13:52.900 if you do sense that needs to happen. If they can't meet your needs or engage in mutual 163 00:13:52.900 --> 00:13:58.820 care, what role will they play and how will you shift them into that role in a kind and 164 00:13:58.820 --> 00:14:05.300 compassionate way moving forward? So consider is it time to pull back, maybe redefining 165 00:14:05.300 --> 00:14:11.500 their relationship, maybe letting it go entirely and how might you do that in a way with honor, 166 00:14:11.500 --> 00:14:18.500 mutual respect and care. So now embracing growth and love. I want you to recognize your 167 00:14:19.940 --> 00:14:26.940 worth. You are loved by God and your relationships should reflect that. Trust that God desires 168 00:14:26.980 --> 00:14:31.620 healthy life giving connections for you and will guide you toward relationships that align 169 00:14:31.620 --> 00:14:36.740 with this purpose for your life. Not everyone is meant to be in that inner circle and that 170 00:14:36.740 --> 00:14:43.020 is just even according to the research, the capacity for us to have close human relationships. 171 00:14:43.020 --> 00:14:50.020 We do need to invest in those few and then move out a little bit, but it isn't possible. 172 00:14:50.020 --> 00:14:56.500 We'll be fragmented if we're investing in over 50 people, over 52 people, even into 173 00:14:56.500 --> 00:14:59.940 the hundreds, we would become very fragmented. So those relationships... 174 00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:07.160 even in our social media would be just possibly more, more of a ministry engagement, encouragement. 175 00:15:07.160 --> 00:15:09.440 What do you feel led to share? 176 00:15:09.440 --> 00:15:11.380 What is your purpose? 177 00:15:11.380 --> 00:15:15.240 And that can feel exciting to invest in that way. 178 00:15:15.240 --> 00:15:20.320 But knowing that that will not be typically mutual, you could get fulfillment out of that 179 00:15:20.320 --> 00:15:26.120 because it is meeting a need for that, for that person and the Holy Spirit is using your 180 00:15:26.120 --> 00:15:27.120 gifts and talents. 181 00:15:27.120 --> 00:15:28.120 And that's wonderful. 182 00:15:28.640 --> 00:15:32.660 So learning and growing, even in disappointment, there's opportunity for growth. 183 00:15:32.660 --> 00:15:38.800 So both in emotional intelligence and spiritual discernment, leaning into this process with 184 00:15:38.800 --> 00:15:42.040 curiosity and grace. 185 00:15:42.040 --> 00:15:46.000 So remember, not every person is meant to be in our inner circle and that's okay. 186 00:15:46.000 --> 00:15:50.560 Relationships are a gift, simply a gift, and they can transition in time. 187 00:15:50.560 --> 00:15:53.040 They can transition in seasons as well. 188 00:15:53.040 --> 00:16:00.560 A spouse wouldn't typically, unless they pass away, or there's severe emotional neglect 189 00:16:00.560 --> 00:16:06.200 or abuse, and there would be a disruption there and seeking wise counsel and therapy 190 00:16:06.200 --> 00:16:12.160 for that would be best in that situation for the best way to move forward. 191 00:16:12.160 --> 00:16:17.520 Remember relationships can challenge, nurture, and grow us closer to God's love and heart. 192 00:16:17.520 --> 00:16:21.320 If our relationships aren't, that is also a signal. 193 00:16:21.320 --> 00:16:27.200 God is our number one, highest, securely attached relationship, so we seek him first 194 00:16:27.200 --> 00:16:28.520 in all things. 195 00:16:28.520 --> 00:16:33.560 As you navigate disappointment that is common in any relationship here on earth, remember 196 00:16:33.560 --> 00:16:39.680 to prioritize yourself, your own physical, emotional, mental health needs, spiritual 197 00:16:39.680 --> 00:16:47.360 needs, while also showing honor and respect towards the people in your life. 198 00:16:47.360 --> 00:16:54.160 I can honor and respect my own self and honor and respect those in my life, and they might 199 00:16:54.160 --> 00:17:00.680 also need other relationships and other resources to help their own growth and development in 200 00:17:00.680 --> 00:17:05.280 building emotional maturity and emotional intelligence. 201 00:17:05.280 --> 00:17:11.599 So as you navigate these feelings, remember your own values, nourish your heart, and reflect 202 00:17:11.599 --> 00:17:13.520 that care and respect.