WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:07.000 You are probably someone who genuinely cares about the happiness and well-being of everyone 2 00:00:07.000 --> 00:00:10.600 in your life, and that's a beautiful quality. 3 00:00:10.600 --> 00:00:12.600 It's a gift. 4 00:00:12.600 --> 00:00:19.400 But even the most generous hearts need boundaries, because pouring from an empty cup helps no 5 00:00:19.400 --> 00:00:22.080 one, least of all yourself. 6 00:00:22.080 --> 00:00:23.640 You're a nurturer. 7 00:00:23.640 --> 00:00:26.840 You're constantly giving, giving, giving. 8 00:00:26.920 --> 00:00:33.640 You're constantly giving, giving, giving, and there's not much left for you. 9 00:00:33.640 --> 00:00:39.240 You're juggling everyone else's needs, and yours are falling by the wayside. 10 00:00:39.240 --> 00:00:46.080 And maybe you're even feeling a little guilty about wanting to prioritize yourself, or resentful 11 00:00:46.080 --> 00:00:49.040 of others needing you. 12 00:00:49.040 --> 00:00:52.800 But setting boundaries is not selfish. 13 00:00:52.800 --> 00:00:59.740 It is recognizing the natural God-given limits of your own humanity and telling others what 14 00:00:59.740 --> 00:01:02.040 those limits are for you. 15 00:01:02.040 --> 00:01:08.640 It's actually the most loving thing you can do, not just for yourself, but for the people 16 00:01:08.640 --> 00:01:11.200 who care about you too. 17 00:01:11.200 --> 00:01:12.920 Think about it this way. 18 00:01:12.920 --> 00:01:17.720 When you're running on empty, you can't be your best self for anyone. 19 00:01:17.720 --> 00:01:24.480 You're more likely to feel resentful and stressed, and that's a fast road to burnout. 20 00:01:24.480 --> 00:01:26.960 And that doesn't help anyone. 21 00:01:26.960 --> 00:01:33.600 But when you protect your time and your peace, you have more energy, more joy, and more to 22 00:01:33.600 --> 00:01:35.480 give. 23 00:01:35.480 --> 00:01:41.200 You can show up for the people that you love with a full heart and not a depleted one. 24 00:01:41.200 --> 00:01:44.880 I know setting boundaries can feel scary. 25 00:01:44.880 --> 00:01:49.360 Maybe you're worried about disappointing someone or that they'll think that you don't 26 00:01:49.360 --> 00:01:50.760 care. 27 00:01:50.760 --> 00:01:56.800 It's possible that others will not react well to your boundaries, but healthy relationships 28 00:01:56.800 --> 00:02:00.320 are grounded in honest communication. 29 00:02:00.320 --> 00:02:04.600 Their poor reaction is not your responsibility. 30 00:02:04.600 --> 00:02:09.479 Caring for your peace of mind by saying no to the things that you do not have capacity 31 00:02:09.479 --> 00:02:13.200 for is your responsibility. 32 00:02:13.200 --> 00:02:17.760 Managing other people's emotions is not in your control. 33 00:02:17.760 --> 00:02:21.240 Here's a little exercise that will help you get started. 34 00:02:21.240 --> 00:02:24.880 You can go as deep as you want to, or as shallow. 35 00:02:24.880 --> 00:02:26.880 It's up to you. 36 00:02:26.880 --> 00:02:32.040 Start by listing all of the things that take up your time and your energy. 37 00:02:32.040 --> 00:02:36.840 Looking at your calendar is a great start, but also keep in mind the things that take 38 00:02:36.840 --> 00:02:44.080 your mental energy, things you worry about, information that you have to remember, the 39 00:02:44.080 --> 00:02:50.440 emotional labor of certain relationships, especially those that are really hard. 40 00:02:50.440 --> 00:02:55.160 When you're satisfied with the list that you've made, then I want you to divide it up into 41 00:02:55.160 --> 00:02:57.640 three categories. 42 00:02:57.640 --> 00:03:05.080 Things you can control, things you can influence, things you cannot control. 43 00:03:05.080 --> 00:03:11.080 Control means that you have power and agency over the process and the outcome. 44 00:03:11.080 --> 00:03:14.400 This is kind of like getting dressed in the morning. 45 00:03:14.400 --> 00:03:18.280 You pick out your outfit and you put the clothes on your body. 46 00:03:18.280 --> 00:03:19.840 That's the process. 47 00:03:19.840 --> 00:03:25.360 And the outcome is that you are dressed in the clothes that you chose. 48 00:03:25.360 --> 00:03:31.560 Influence means you have power over some of the process, but no power in the outcome. 49 00:03:31.560 --> 00:03:37.340 This is like if you picked out clothes for your children in the morning and they decided 50 00:03:37.340 --> 00:03:40.480 to put on the pants, but not the shirt. 51 00:03:40.480 --> 00:03:45.880 You had some power in the process, but ultimately the clothes that they put on their body is 52 00:03:45.880 --> 00:03:47.880 their choice. 53 00:03:47.880 --> 00:03:50.860 And of course, no control means just that. 54 00:03:50.860 --> 00:03:56.580 You have no power or agency in the process or the outcome. 55 00:03:56.580 --> 00:04:00.920 Remember when Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount, how many of you can add an inch 56 00:04:00.920 --> 00:04:03.320 to your height by worrying? 57 00:04:03.320 --> 00:04:08.180 He makes this joke because many of us act like thinking about something or worrying 58 00:04:08.180 --> 00:04:14.960 about something long enough is a process that will help us control for a certain outcome. 59 00:04:14.960 --> 00:04:19.160 This list that you've just made will help you set the most important boundaries that 60 00:04:19.160 --> 00:04:24.120 you need to set, the ones you set with yourself. 61 00:04:24.120 --> 00:04:29.440 Often the first boundaries we need to set are to decide not to let someone else's emotional 62 00:04:29.440 --> 00:04:34.660 response influence our own mood or behavior. 63 00:04:34.660 --> 00:04:40.840 When we've taken this step, setting boundaries with others about our time and our capacity 64 00:04:40.840 --> 00:04:44.400 becomes so much easier. 65 00:04:44.400 --> 00:04:50.440 We no longer feel responsible for an outcome we could never control in the first place. 66 00:04:50.440 --> 00:04:57.080 It is your responsibility to love others well, and you can do this by clearly stating what 67 00:04:57.080 --> 00:05:00.000 you need in that relationship and holding that. 68 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:07.120 boundary. You are not a machine. Respect yourself and respect your God-given 69 00:05:07.120 --> 00:05:10.400 limits and your need to prioritize your own 70 00:05:10.400 --> 00:05:13.120 needs, the ones that no one else can meet for 71 00:05:13.120 --> 00:05:18.240 you. You are worthy of rest, you are worthy of 72 00:05:18.240 --> 00:05:22.400 peace, and you are worthy of joy. 73 00:05:22.400 --> 00:05:25.840 Setting boundaries is one step to more rest, 74 00:05:25.840 --> 00:05:28.960 peace, and joy.