WEBVTT

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Hey everyone, welcome back to the HeartWorkForCouples Week 2.

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Last week we talked about expectancy and faith and the power of a shared surrender and this

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week we're going to talk about healing what we hide or the power of emotional honesty.

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And so I'm excited about this week.

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We're starting to move into things that are even deeper, even more vulnerable because

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if we want to heal something, we have to heal it at the root.

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We can't just look at the fruit, we have to look at the root.

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And so this week we're going to hold up what I call the heart mirror and allow Holy Spirit

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to show us what we need to see about our own hearts and about the heart of the relationship.

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Because every relationship has two stories.

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The one that we tell and the one that we're afraid to tell.

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And most couples aren't hiding from each other, they're not deceiving each other.

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They just don't know how to be vulnerable.

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They don't know how to show the other person their full self because they've been hurt.

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And so we hide without even knowing it.

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But at some point in life, we have to step out into honesty.

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We have to step out fully into the light.

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And so if we want to truly experience God's best for our marriage and not just for our

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marriage but for our individual lives and our life together, we have to be willing to

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honestly look at what's been bruised, what's still tender and even what's been buried beneath

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the surface.

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We've got to let that stuff come up.

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We call that a revealing for healing because you cannot heal what you continue to hide

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even if you don't know you're hiding it.

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But the beautiful thing is, is that the moment that we are willing to be vulnerable and bring

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that thing into the light, heaven now has permission to address it and heal it.

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And so let's get started.

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I want to teach you guys just a little bit into what you had to cover on your own this

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week.

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So this week's reading assignment was chapter four, five, and six.

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So make sure that you read that.

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And then you take a look at the rest of the teaching in this video.

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So first off, whether we realize it or not, we all communicate our internal world, not

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just through words, but also through our habits and our actions.

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Whatever we believe we become and whatever we become, we attract.

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For example, if you shut down, it's because something in your heart doesn't feel safe.

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That's what's happening.

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It's not just because you don't have any words to say.

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It's not just because you're a processor.

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It's also because you don't really feel safe in that moment.

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And so now fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, you're freezing.

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Now if you get loud and reactive, we call that the fight reaction is because something

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in your heart doesn't feel heard.

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And so now you're raising your voice.

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And if you try to control everything, it's likely because something in your history felt

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out of control, possibly something in your origin family, maybe in a previous relationship,

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maybe even at your job.

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And if you completely withdraw, that's flight.

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It's not because you don't care.

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It's because you've learned to survive and not to connect.

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And this is why trying to fix behavior doesn't work because behavior is just a symptom.

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It's a symptom of something.

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It is the fruit and we have to get to the root and the root is always in the heart.

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The heart is always the source.

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And so we don't fix it by distance.

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We don't fix it by arguing.

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We don't fix it by ghosting or walking away.

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We fix it by healing whatever is causing that behavior in the first place.

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We can't fix it by anger.

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Fighting is not going to fix it.

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It's not.

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Anger is protecting.

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Remember, anger is hurt and fear is bodyguard.

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And so if anger keeps showing up, we have to dig down to where that anger is coming

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from and avoidance isn't going to fix it.

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You can't just avoid it and hope it goes away.

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We have to face it and we can face it together if we trust each other enough to be vulnerable

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because where there's smoke, there's definitely fire.

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And so now it's time for us to really address that smoke before it becomes a bigger fire

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because it doesn't have to, you know, the heart becomes that storage container where

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all the pain is being stored.

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And here's something I really want you to take in.

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Your heart was created to bring life.

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Life in your communication, life in your intimacy, life in your dreams, life in your unity.

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Your heart should be the source of life.

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But when we keep stuffing disappointments and regrets and shame and all different types

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of things down in there, when we bury all of our unmet needs and we just say, ah, well,

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if they cared about me, they would figure out what I need.

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When we push our feelings aside and we don't communicate them, when we over-function and

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try to make everything okay through controlling, we're not having intimacy.

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We're robbing ourselves of intimacy because every time we hide hurt instead of healing

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it, we lose a moment of connection that could have grown the coupledom, that could have

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grown our connection with each other.

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When you're vulnerable, it actually grows connection.

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I know you feel like, oh, I don't want to be too much, but you're not going to be too

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much.

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We don't want to use our hearts as a storage unit for pain anymore.

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We want it to be a birthplace of new life in our marriages.

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And the only way we're going to do that is if we get really brave and we decide

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that we're going to step out and let the other person really see us.

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Remember into me see. So every reaction, every shutdown,

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every emotional wall is connected to a belief that's beneath the surface.

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For example, if deep down you believe that love always leaves,

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you're going to keep your guard up. Even though you're married,

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even though you've got a ring,

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even though you've got a certificate that says that you're married to each

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other and they can't just walk away.

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If you believe that love eventually walks away,

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you're never going to fully open up.

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Even if love is standing right in front of you,

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you're not going to let that person fully know you.

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Now,

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if you believe that you're on your own and no one else is really going to ever

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help you,

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you're not going to be able to receive help or comfort or emotional support.

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Even if your spouse is trying,

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if you believe that you have to be independent,

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even when you're married and you don't know how to become interdependent,

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because being vulnerable makes you feel weak and it makes you feel afraid

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because if you don't take those walls down,

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you're afraid that this person is not going to like what they see.

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And so you force that person to climb the walls.

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And when you're silent or you're secret with your wants,

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your desires,

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or even your needs,

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what happens there is that other person starts to feel like you are just

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withdrawing from them.

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And then a lather,

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repeat situation starts to happen.

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I know that our comfort zones seem comfortable,

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but they actually create distance and you can't build walls and expect for your

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spouse to climb them,

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right?

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We cannot do that.

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And a lot of times we'll even get busy doing something else so that we don't

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have to work on the relationship.

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Couples are notorious for busyness,

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overworking,

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scrolling.

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That's a big one.

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Just staying distracted.

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Perfectionism.

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Sarcasm can also be a sign that there's something wrong that you're not willing

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to address.

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If you're starting to become sarcastic,

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self soothing patterns,

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pornography,

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let's talk about it,

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right?

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Social media,

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just in general,

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maybe friends running around doing other things besides working on the

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relationship.

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And these things are producing more and more loneliness.

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They're not fixing loneliness.

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They promise control.

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They promise,

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you know,

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filling the void,

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but they're actually robbing us of connection.

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They promise relief,

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whatever your self medicators are,

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but they rob us of intimacy.

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So the very things that we're running to for safety,

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instead of the relationship,

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end up becoming the things that keep separating us.

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And so it's time to put all those things aside,

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maybe even fast those things for a little while,

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even the ones that are not evil.

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Okay?

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Some of those things are evil.

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And if you have an issue with that,

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then we need to dig in deeper,

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like the pornography and the other self medicators,

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alcohol,

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but even the ones that are not bad or diabolical,

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they can really keep us from becoming one and really working on what we need

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to work on.

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And so let's take a fast,

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even from that stuff,

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the distractions,

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the extra friendships out here that we're always running around with,

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instead of really focusing on what we need to focus on inside of the marriage,

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really taking time to really be with each other instead of miles and miles

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apart,

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because we don't want to avoid confrontation because healthy confrontation is

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part of a healthy relationship.

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And I remember a couple that I worked with that they avoided vulnerability.

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They avoided confrontation.

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They were so proud that they never argued.

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They weren't fighting,

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but they also weren't connecting.

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Anytime someone says,

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we've never had an argument.

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I'm very suspicious of that because if you live respectful,

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you can also be living as roommates and not covenant partners.

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Does that make sense?

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It wasn't dishonesty that they were operating in,

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but it was self protection.

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So when they finally got honest with each other about how they really felt,

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they had some arguments and that's good.

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They had some healthy conflict when they brought up their fears and their

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disappointments,

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when they brought all their emotional truths out into the open and guess what?

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What they were afraid of didn't happen.

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It didn't break them.

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It actually bonded them.

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It actually brought them closer than they had been in years.

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Honesty isn't going to hurt your marriage,

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especially if it's expressed respectfully,

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it actually will heal it.

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And so this week is your invitation into that same kind of healing.

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So right now I want to guide you through something very simple,

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but incredibly powerful.

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Do you want to do an activation with me?

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All right.

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So wherever you are,

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take a deep breath,

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sit with your spouse,

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relax your shoulders and let your heart soften.

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I want you to feel your heart just kind of softening up.

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You're not guarded.

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You're not afraid.

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Now ask yourself slowly,

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internally,

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ask yourself,

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what emotion have I been hiding from my partner out of fear or

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pride?

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What truth about my heart am I finally ready to share?

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What kind of honesty would help us feel safer?

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not smaller. Now look at your partner and speak this sentence to them. And I want

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you to take turns doing this. There's something I haven't said because I

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didn't know how you'd receive it. And then share one honest thing. Okay? Don't

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get crazy. Don't share everything that you've been holding back. Don't share

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your whole life story. Just share one thing. One thing that comes up when

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you're doing this exercise. Don't dig for it. It's gonna come up. And when your

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spouse shares, please do not fix. Don't defend what they're saying. Don't try to

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explain or counter. Just let the presence of God relieve any pressure that you

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guys have. And just feel relief that you're able to just live out loud with

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each other. God, just help us bring these hidden places into that you're healing

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light. Teach us to see and be seen without fear. Clean our hearts. Heal our

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habits. Break the lies. Expose the counterfeits. And make our marriage a

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safe, honest, and holy place where we both can feel safe to be fully ourselves. Amen.

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Now let the silence just settle for a moment. Let your hearts breathe. Remember

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you're not trying to fix. You're not trying to defend or help. If they shared

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something really traumatic that happened to them or they shared something that

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might not be that pretty on the outside, don't try to make it pretty. Just let it

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be what it is. Now don't forget. Don't forget to do all of your reading

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assignments. Make sure that as you're reading, you're highlighting anything

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that exposes any kind of emotional pattern that you've been in, a hidden

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pain that you've been hiding, any old beliefs, any lies that you've been living

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out of, right? Behavior follows identity. Any places where honesty could be an

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open door for healing in your relationship. And then journal about

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those habits. Journal. Make sure that you're answering all the questions. The

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heart work for couples only works if you do the work. It's the heart work and the

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hard work. So make sure you do that truth-telling template and schedule that

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five-minute honesty hustle, huddle, I'm sorry, huddle with each other. And this

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week it might feel tender. It really might. But a tenderness, but tenderness is

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a sign of healing. And next week, I just want you to get ready. We're gonna

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continue to go into these deep dives. It's gonna be a little uncomfortable for

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a couple weeks, but we're stepping into something even more powerful about

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healing together. And we're gonna talk about forgiveness, not just for each

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other, but for ourselves and for other people in our past. Reconnection and how

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to move from surviving, not just in the marriage, but just in life to thriving.

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It's gonna be deep, but it's also gonna be where lots of breakthrough and

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miracles happen. So I'll see you in week three.