WEBVTT

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All right, welcome, welcome, Renee Rizzo here, I am in the middle of subbing, Bethany will

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be joining us again next week.

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Thank you all.

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I know you all had Carla last week, and I'm sure you all had a blast.

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I was on my honeymoon, finally, three months after the fact, where I wrote a post on Facebook

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and I said that it rained for a few days, and I learned that my husband really can roll

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with the punches, while I was cranky pants about it.

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I got what he probably thinks is bronchitis, and I was coughing up a lung pretty much the

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whole trip, and he is a nurse, he's a trained nurse, and so he brought a stash of meds,

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which I would have never brought meds on vacation, and it was awesome, the nurse was like, of

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course he did.

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And just a few other things, and I was just reminded, y'all, the heart work is worth it,

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it's gonna lead you to your best friend, and nothing in life is going to be perfect, even

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your honeymoon, and that's the good stuff.

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So I'm gonna kick it to you, Annette, to open this up.

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Okay.

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First of all, welcome to all of the new ladies, if this is your first time joining us, please

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let us know in the chat.

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We wanna especially welcome you tonight, we're glad that you're here, and to all the other

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ladies, welcome back.

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Take time this week, we want, it's really good to focus on gratitude, and gratitude

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really changes our attitude, right?

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I know for me, even, sometimes, I just spent this weekend at work, and we had a whole new

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charting system, and not a lot of training, and it did not go well.

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It did not go well at all, and there were times when I wasn't thinking very good thoughts,

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and my attitude followed that, and when the Holy Spirit checked me a little bit, reminded

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me to turn it around, and even when I just got three or four sentences in to saying something

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that I was thankful for, or that I had to be grateful for, it really changed my countenance,

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and my outlook, and really made it possible for me to look at things a little bit differently,

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and brought more peace to my heart.

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So try this week to think about that, and think of something that you're thankful for

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each day, that you can look back on, and remember throughout the week, and how God

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has shown up for you, and then also Supernatural Saturday, that's my, I'm the Supernatural

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Saturday commercial girl.

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So if you didn't get a chance to listen to it this week, live, we encourage you to go

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back and listen in person.

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I assure you, you will always be blessed by the wisdom and insight that Jackie brings

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to us through the Holy Spirit.

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So with all of that said, now I'm going to pray us in, and we'll get going, and enjoy

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the evening, and what Renee has to tell us all together.

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Okay.

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Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the privilege of community, for the opportunity to be here

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this evening, and thank you that you're here.

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We invite your Holy Spirit presence to fall over each one of us, and each one of these

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ladies that the words that are spoken would be words that encourage, that just the things

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that you want to highlight to each lady on the call, that it would be highlighted to

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them, and that those that are listening in replay, you have something for each one of

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us, and I pray that you would use this time to renew us, to transform us, and to change

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us into ladies that serve you, that are surrendered to you, and that walk in obedience to you

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with whole healed hearts.

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In your name I pray, amen.

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Go Renee.

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I'm excited to talk to you guys about this topic.

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It's the topic of forgiveness, and this is a pretty big one.

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Two weeks ago, we kind of covered repentance and confession, and right along with that

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includes forgiveness, and I don't know where you are in your journey, but I can bet you

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that most of us have people to forgive, maybe even God to forgive, maybe even ourselves

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to forgive, and it sounds like this big thing that we're supposed to do, and it's just super,

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super hard.

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Before I get started, I just want to remind you all, especially if you're new, that part

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of going through the HeartWork program is learning to show up for yourself, and remembering

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that you matter.

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Your face matters, and it is time to kind of come out of hiding, so we always encourage

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folks to change their Facebook.

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profile picture to not be of their dog or their cat anymore, but a picture of themselves.

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And we invite so many of you to come on camera. I don't know about y'all, but I like talking to

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people. I can see it's so much more fun. I like to see if folks are paying attention, falling asleep.

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I know some of you might be driving. Some of you might be eating dinner. Y'all, I take seminary

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classes online now. You can munch like literally with your hands and I wouldn't care. That's how

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much I want to see your pretty little faces. I actually showered for y'all. I don't know how

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he showered. But so just know that as you are able to, to come on camera, it really does help you to

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get to know each other because you guys are going to be going in breakout rooms and definitely by

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the time you go into a breakout room, you do need to come on the camera. And then as you guys start

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to talk to each other more in the app, you'll feel more welcome and willing to talk to each

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other. If you've actually been able to put a name and a face together, it'll just kind of help you

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out. So today's topic is forgiveness. And what I decided to do, there's some really great notes,

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but y'all, I went back to, I got the ebook just like y'all. I printed it out and I have the, not

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binder. Now this binder's four years old. That's how long ago I took artwork for the first time.

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And so the notes kind of do this, but I love Jackie's words so much that I'm just, I highlighted

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a few sentences here and there on the topic of forgiveness. And then I'm going to kind of insert

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a little bit of my own and what I've learned and the folks that I've had to forgive, not just when

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I took this class the first time, y'all, I even found my forgiveness sheets that I did way back

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four years ago and how often I referred back to that forgiveness prayer for new people or things

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that I had to forgive. And so let me just start to talk to you a little bit about this. Forgiveness

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along with repentance and confession is the only thing that has the power to put you back into

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touch with your authentic identity. Because remember, we talked about when trauma and

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hard stuff happens, we create counterfeit versions of ourself. And so the only way that we can get

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back to that original person is confession, repentance, and forgiveness. It's like,

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I got to forgive the inside and I got to forgive everybody else around me. And only then,

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when I've shed all that stuff, that I can kind of peel away the layers to that new skin, that new

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identity that God has for me. All of the other versions, remember, are just fragmented identities

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created by those heart wounds and those lies that we believed. And if there's heart wounds and

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there's lies, chances are attached to those heart wounds and lies are some things or people that we

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need to forgive, right? So we're kind of going back to the root of that. Usually what happens

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when we don't forgive folks, we sit in what I call the victim seat. And so when somebody has done

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something to us or said something to us, no matter how horrific it is, in the moment of the abuse or

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the awful thing that's happened, you are the victim, right? That's what happens. You know, there's a

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house fire, there's victims in the fire, there's a car accident, there's a victim in the car accident.

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But the thing is that car accident victim doesn't always remain a victim, right? We want to go from

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victim to victorious. So we want to change the identity that gets associated with that wound or

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thing that happened. So if you're coming here from a childhood wound or a divorce wound, we want to

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make sure you don't say a victim because guess what? Once you go back out into the dating world

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again, because remember, when you're doing the heart work, we kind of ask you to take a dating

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sabbatical, especially if you're new, make sure you remember that. And then, but when you get back

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out there, we want to make sure that you don't still, you're not still wearing those victim clothes

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because victims will still attract rescuers and or people to take advantage of you. And you don't

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need a man to rescue you and you don't need somebody to take advantage of you. So the only way

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you can not attract those men is to be willing to take off that victim clothing that you have to it.

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And just remember that it is okay in the moment that that victim just survived. I think, I think

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I said this two weeks ago, you kind of have to forgive the person that got you through the trauma.

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So however you needed to survive in that moment, give yourself a lot of grace. Like you might look

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back 10, 20 years from now and go, gosh, I wish I behaved differently. Well, in the middle of the

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moment you were in that trauma and it is okay that you were a victim and you don't want to

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shame or blame yourself on how you handled that. But you want to be able to get outside of that.

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Okay. So let's see the pain. So here's what happens. So when you're in that victim's seat,

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there's a pain associated with it. And so sometimes the pain is kind of like your claim to fame.

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So when you've been in the victim's seat, like you guys, perfect example, I had a lot

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of eye surgery as a kid and that sucked, but it also gave me a lot of attention and I got

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a lot of gifts for it too.

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And so being the victim, being the kid in the hospital all the time kind of had some

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perks, you know, but then I realized I didn't want that notoriety anymore.

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Like I didn't want to feel special for something like being in the hospital.

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So I had to kind of be willing to give up all the perks that went in with being a hospital

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kid.

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I had to give up the special attention, the special consolation.

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Like now when I walk in a room, not everybody knows that I have an eye problem.

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And so, yeah, it'd be a lot easier if accommodations were made for me every single time, but if

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I want to show up in the world and not just show up as the girl who can't see well, then

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I have to show up with my full self and I want to step out of that victim mentality.

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So you kind of have to be willing to.

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The thing that we don't talk about in the book that is the perfect example of what happens

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with the victim, if you guys have a pen and paper, I want you to draw a triangle.

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So everybody draw a triangle.

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One corner of that triangle is called the victim.

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So this is called the Karpman Triangle, K-A-R-P-M-A-N, Karpman Triangle.

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You can look it up afterwards, but this is like the clinical version of what Jackie talks

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about in the book.

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So if you're reading the book, I want you to be kind of like mentally thinking about

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it.

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At the other corner of the triangle, you're going to write the word rescuer.

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And at the other corner of the thing, you're going to write the aggressor.

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So you have an aggressor, a rescuer, and a victim.

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So remember I was telling you, if you always stay in the victim state, you're either going

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to become the rescuer or data rescuer, which sometimes is really appealing, right?

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Like we all kind of want to be rescued, it feels really good to be rescued by somebody,

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or we're going to kind of create that.

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Or sometimes we fall in that category.

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Sometimes we decide that we never want to be a victim again, and so we kind of get that

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tough, thick exterior.

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And this may have happened to you, where you feel like really your heart got hardened before

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you came into the heart work, and you're like, I'm never going to let anybody mistreat me

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again.

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I'm never going to let anything bad happen to me again.

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And you kind of become like the villain of the story, or the aggressor, or the controller.

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You become that dominant personality because you never want to be a victim again.

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Or because you never want to be a victim again, you think you can control the situation around

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you, but in a more loving way.

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And we call the rescuer, the people pleaser, the codependent, the perfectionist, how many

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can relate to that chick, right?

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Yeah, we all know that girl.

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And so here's the thing, you guys, the people pleaser, the codependent, believe it or not,

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has a lot of the same traits as the villain or the narcissist.

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We just control our environment with love, with gifts, with attention.

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Like we're doing all of this stuff to control the environment around us.

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It's just a softer version, it's just the other side of it, but both versions are still

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trying to take control of the situation.

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So if you get out there and you start, and I see this all the time with women in phase

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two and phase three, it will start to date again.

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And they're like, why am I still attracting the narcissist?

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Why am I still attracting that guy?

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And a lot of times it's because women have not been able to still let go of that victim

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cloak that she has wearing.

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So a victim is only going to attract a rescuer or an aggressor.

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So you don't want that, right?

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So you want to make sure that you're willing to take that cloak off.

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And so the flip version of that is a victim response to the story.

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A victim reacts to the story.

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A lot of times when you were a victim, you may have not had a chance to prevent it from

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happening.

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But now we are older, we are wiser, beautiful, capable, strong women that are getting healed.

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So we're going to go from being the victim.

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I want you to cross that word out.

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And now you're going to write creator.

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You're going to be the creator of your story.

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You're going to be the leading lady.

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I just saw the holiday again over my honeymoon late at night, I made Bri watch it.

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And you know, the one main guy talks about how Kate Winslet's character, he said, you

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keep acting like the best friend, but you're the leading lady.

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And so ladies, I want you to be the creator of your own love story with God.

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Like I want you to be the leading ladies.

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Okay, so the instead of the rescuer, you're going to cross out the word rescuer, and you're

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going to put coach.

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And y'all, this is really important.

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A lot of us will go on dates with broken bird boys and we're going to want to be all therapy

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and Jesus on him and we're going to want to bring him all the heart healing that we've

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received and we're going to want to care take a little bit too much and we don't want to

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be a caretaker, we don't want to be a rescuer, we might want to coach, we might want to guide

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and we might want to support.

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So I've been a cheerleading coach, I've been an executive coach and all I can do as a coach

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is cheer somebody on and I can motivate them and I can excite them.

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I can't tell them what to do and I can't make them do anything.

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So a coach is not pushing that as much as they are empowering that to begin that.

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In fact, I just got a text message from Brian, he's like Renee, you encourage me so well

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and see that's the role I want to be.

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I want to be his encourager, I don't want to tell him what to do.

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And then the aggressor or the persecutor becomes a challenger.

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You guys, it's okay to challenge the status quo.

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It's okay to ask questions with curiosity, it is okay to put healthy boundaries in place.

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So instead of either being the victim, the rescuer or the aggressor, we want to lean

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into what does it mean to be the coach, what does it mean to be the creator and what does

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it mean to challenge, challenge with curiosity, holding both hands kind of loosely.

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Do you guys kind of like get that picture in your heads kind of making sense a little

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bit like we want to take off the old self and we want to put on this new identity which

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is really how God created us to be in relationships.

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So the Cartman Triangle, that unhealthy drama triangle is a much more reactive and it's

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more painful place to be.

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The healthy wellness version of that triangle that is you being proactive, that is being

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in the moment, it is being strong and it's kind of holding your hands loosely.

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And if you're like, well, but Renee, I don't want to forgive, I don't want to be like,

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I can't get out of this victim role, you don't understand how much has happened to me.

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I don't know your story, but I do know there's somebody that went to the cross who suffered

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way more than you did and in fact, he suffered for everything that you did.

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Because he didn't just go to the cross for your sins, he went to the cross for the sins

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of the person who perpetrated you.

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Does that make sense?

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So if somebody harmed me, this person that I'm like, oh, over, Jesus didn't just die

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for my sins, he died for his too.

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Which means I don't have to hold him accountable for him anymore because Jesus is taking care

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of the punishment.

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So it's not my job to punish that person anymore.

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And so when we refuse to forgive somebody, it keeps us in that victim identity longer.

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It's going to tether us to that trauma.

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Like how many of you know that when you don't forgive somebody, you still feel a weirdo

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connection to them?

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I don't know why my mic is like that.

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And so when you have unforgiveness, you do have a tether to them.

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I'm not sure if you guys have talked about soul ties yet, but it does create a type of

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soul tie.

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It will connect you to that person.

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And if you're connected to that story, it's going to always be like an open wound.

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We kind of want to create like a scab over those wounds.

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Can you post a photo of the triangle and all the words in it?

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I popped in late.

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I will summarize this again at the end.

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But the three triangle is victim, rescuer, aggressor, victim, rescuer.

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So instead of being a victim, you want to become a creator.

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Instead of a rescuer, you want to become a coach.

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And instead of aggressor, you want to become a challenger.

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Because the truth is, you guys, you're not going to just sit in one of those places.

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You're not going to always be the coach, you're not going to always be the challenger, you're

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not going to always be the creator.

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The truth is, in life, you're going to kind of rotate that.

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I'm sure Annette could speak to that too, even with her marriage.

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They kind of rotate.

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Sometimes somebody is coaching the other person.

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Sometimes somebody is going to be the strong one and say, oh, I need to challenge that

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thought.

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I need to challenge that perception right now.

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We might have to talk about that a little bit more.

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Yes, that's a good way to say, is the challenger like iron sharpening iron?

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Yeah, it really is.

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A challenger is going to do things in a really healthy way.

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I call it speak the truth in love.

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A challenger is going to be able to speak the truth in love.

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A challenger is going to be able to ask curious questions.

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And so all of those get you out of the victim's seat.

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And I really wanted to dig into that, only because I know so many people come out of

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this artwork and start to date, and they really haven't shed that.

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And they keep wondering why they're still attracting that person.

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I wanted to kind of tell you, like, unless you posture yourself like a coach and a

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Creator and a challenger if you when you posture yourself that way that is what you're going to start to attract

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Going longer

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Okay, I'm gonna keep going because there's some really good stuff here. Okay, so the act of forgiveness is a process with many layers

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I wish it were a one-and-done

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Sometimes it's a one-and-done y'all like sometimes it's a one-and-done like when we forgive something that's less painful

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We can do it and we can forgive them and we're done like we're not doing it

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But for many of us, it's like multi-layered

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Like one of the I would say one of my biggest onion that I had to forgive in layers was my relationship with my dad

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It took a lot of years and a lot of conversation and a lot of time before the Lord

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Because it's almost like the Lord knew I couldn't just rip it all off at the same time

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You're like, well, why does it have to be in layers?

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Because sometimes you know, Jackie says she wants us to pull up stuff as they come up, but she doesn't want us to go digging

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so this is why we don't go digging because sometimes going digging and ripping it all off from the root is

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Too painful and we were just we weren't equipped to handle it all at once

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And so and it's interesting

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I was just watching a movie where it was showing the burn victim in the hospital and they have to take off the

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Dressing and they have to go layer by layer by layer to start to get to healthy skin

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They just can't rip off all the old dead skin that's been damaged. It's a very slow process

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So there can be some relationships that have a lot of like layers to it and it is okay

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And so like I used to think it was a bad thing. I used to be like, oh lord

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Why am I having one more therapy session about my father or oh my gosh

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I cannot go to the altar one more time about my dad like something must be wrong with you

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So if you are having to do your forgiveness and layers, do not think your failure. That is just a part of the process

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Here's what we're doing when we actually forgive somebody when we truly forgive someone we are releasing them and ourselves

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in

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Into our authentic identities again after all they are not their mistakes. Just like we are not our pain. Think about that you guys. Oh

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Like I really don't want the other person sometimes to get the healing too, but don't I really I really do want them to get

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the healing

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if

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We don't do that. They say the villain and we say the victim

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So if you're like, but he's just the bad guy or my mom was just a bad guy

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If we make somebody the bad guy in our story, then we're still the victim of the story

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You can't have it both ways

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We can't be freed and victorious from that forgiveness and still keep them in the bad seat super hard to do

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And I'm not saying that because it's like easy peasy

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okay, and

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by the way

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I want to be able to say if you are the villain like it's okay here like so many times we do these group classes

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And we think everybody is the people pleaser

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Everyone's the victim everyone's the codependent, but I don't know your story

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Maybe your story was super super hard when you were a kid

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And so the only way you knew how to survive was being tough girl being big badass boss, babe

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and that kind of made you kind of slightly bitchy and

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You know and so you're realizing you guys even now

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I'm in seminary and I used to run a nonprofit for almost 20 years and

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As I've been the further out of my job and the longer I've been in seminary

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The more I've realized I've had to go make amends with some people where even in my own like faith

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Just because of some of my wounding there were times when I treated stuff amazing

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But sometimes when I was tired or exhausted or frustrated like I was kind of the aggressor

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Or I was the codependent. I was the something and it wasn't healthy

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So I've had to go make amends with people

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So just remember if the person you need to forgive is yourself for the things that you've said and done, too

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That is okay

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Like I don't want you to think we're in a room full of all victims here

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some of us have had bad stuff happen to us and some of us have done bad stuff and

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All of it can get wiped away tonight. All of it can get wiped away

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I love this quote by Marianne Williamson

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Forgiveness is not always easy at times

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It feels more painful than the wound we suffered to fit to forgive the the one that inflicted it and yet

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There is no peace without forgiveness. That's on page 139

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of your book a

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Lot of times we don't forgive because we don't feel like forgiving y'all. I don't feel like going to the gym

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I make myself go to the gym. I don't feel like always doing my chaplain visits or writing my paper

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I make myself do this

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So forgiveness is a choice in the same way that love is a choice. Love is not a feeling love is a choice

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We might have a lot of

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feelings around the person that we love.

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But I can tell you, the person that,

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even if you're a parent, you know, right?

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Sometimes you love your kids,

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but you're not feeling in love with your kid

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at the moment, right?

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But you still love them.

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And the same is true for forgiveness.

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So don't wait to feel forgivable.

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Start to choose to be forgiving.

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Okay.

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A lot of times, we also feel like we cannot forgive

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until we receive the apology.

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And I wish that I could give you that.

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I wish I could give you every verbal apology that you need.

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But sometimes we're asked to forgive.

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Jesus certainly forgave.

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I mean, he was on the cross and he said,

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father, forgive them for they not know what they do.

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So he forgave them when nobody was asking for forgiveness

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up on that cross.

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And so that's our model.

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Like if we are supposed, if we are image bearers of Christ,

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we're all image bearers of Christ,

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and we all want to conform into the image of Christ,

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then we need to forgive like Christ forgives,

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which means sometimes we're gonna have to choose forgiveness

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before the person has ever apologized.

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I can tell you this, before my dad went home to heaven,

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there were some things that he apologized for.

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And there were some things he never apologized for.

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And it wasn't even because he was a bad guy.

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I think for my dad, some of his stuff was so big

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that he couldn't even face all the bad stuff he did.

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He couldn't do it.

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So he asked for forgiveness and it owned as much as he could

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this side of the veil.

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The good news is I forgave him anyway.

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And I actually used to say to him,

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dad, you think that there's a barrier between us

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because I've not forgiven you for everything.

378
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I've actually forgiven you for everything.

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The problem is you haven't forgiven yourself.

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You haven't let go of that thing.

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You're still seeing yourself as the things that you've done

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that you can't even name because you think they're too big.

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He's like, but they are too big.

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And I'm like, well, they're too big for me

385
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and they're too big for you,

386
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but they're not too big for the cross.

387
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And I always wished he had like this huge epiphany

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before he died and just laid it all out there.

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And I think as much as he could,

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this side of the cross he did.

391
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And I think sometimes God finishes that forgiveness

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and that healing on the other side.

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But I'm so thankful that I did my part with my dad

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while he was still alive,

395
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because it has made me have way more peace in his home going

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than if I had been harboring that

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and not speaking to him before he passed away.

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What I love about forgiveness, again,

399
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being in seminary, we spent a whole semester

400
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talking about what Calvin and Wesley,

401
00:27:37.980 --> 00:27:41.100
what everybody had to think about what sin meant

402
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and what did it truly mean to get forgiveness

403
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and this canceling of the debt.

404
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And it's really hard, you guys,

405
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if we don't understand the gravity of our own sin,

406
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it's really hard to forgive.

407
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And you're like, Renee, I don't get it.

408
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Because if I realize how much I can sin,

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I realize how much Jesus has already forgiven me.

410
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And when I can really recognize

411
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how much Jesus has forgiven me,

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then I can't help but want to forgive other people.

413
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But if I don't think my sin is that big of a deal, right?

414
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I'm a pretty good person, Annette's a pretty good person.

415
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Renee's a pretty good person.

416
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Y'all, I worked in church ministry.

417
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I ran a nonprofit, I saved me some babies.

418
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I'm a pretty good kid.

419
00:28:28.580 --> 00:28:32.380
I would not consider myself a sinner, right?

420
00:28:32.380 --> 00:28:33.340
I'm a pretty good person,

421
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especially compared to that one over there.

422
00:28:35.740 --> 00:28:37.340
I'm pretty amazing.

423
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But y'all, on my best day,

424
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I'm still a sinner that needs a savior.

425
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On my best day, it's still not good enough.

426
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And when I can understand the fullness of the fact that,

427
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even if it were just me, if it weren't all 33 of us,

428
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even if it was just me,

429
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Jesus would have gotten on that cross for just me.

430
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And in fact, he wouldn't just have wanted to do it,

431
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he would have had to do it.

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That's how much sin is in me.

433
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So that's how much sin is in all of us.

434
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So really the thing or the person that we need to forgive,

435
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it may appear, they may appear more sinful than us.

436
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It may appear more harmful than us.

437
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But remember, sin is sin and God has no measure of sin.

438
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We all have sin, we all fall short of the glory of God.

439
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So the more that I can do this,

440
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and it is even in the Lord's prayer,

441
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forgive us our trespasses

442
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as we forgive those who trespass against us.

443
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What?

444
00:29:34.420 --> 00:29:37.580
So Jesus himself is telling us we've got to forgive.

445
00:29:37.580 --> 00:29:39.800
I'm just thinking we can't bypass that.

446
00:29:42.020 --> 00:29:43.460
And here's the crazy.

447
00:29:43.460 --> 00:29:48.360
If we forgive others, it actually increases our ability

448
00:29:48.360 --> 00:29:51.620
to receive God's forgiveness in our life.

449
00:29:51.620 --> 00:29:52.460
It really does.

450
00:29:52.460 --> 00:29:56.700
It kind of unlocks a new level of forgiveness.

451
00:29:56.700 --> 00:30:00.020
So otherwise that...

452
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:02.700
Unforgiveness starts to weigh us down.

453
00:30:02.700 --> 00:30:07.460
We always say that unforgiveness is like pouring poison

454
00:30:07.460 --> 00:30:10.460
but drinking it ourselves and giving it to the other person.

455
00:30:10.460 --> 00:30:14.060
Like, you know, like sometimes the person that's harmed me,

456
00:30:14.060 --> 00:30:15.260
they've apparently gone,

457
00:30:15.260 --> 00:30:17.140
they've gone on with their merry life.

458
00:30:17.140 --> 00:30:17.960
I don't know about y'all,

459
00:30:17.960 --> 00:30:20.580
but like, have you ever seen somebody that was like,

460
00:30:20.580 --> 00:30:22.180
they did something really terrible to you

461
00:30:22.180 --> 00:30:23.940
and their life looks pretty fabulous.

462
00:30:23.940 --> 00:30:26.100
And you're like, why am I the only one dying in this?

463
00:30:26.100 --> 00:30:28.320
And that's what happens with unforgiveness.

464
00:30:28.320 --> 00:30:32.420
You're not in pain because of the thing that happened to you.

465
00:30:32.420 --> 00:30:35.120
You're in pain because of the shackle of unforgiveness

466
00:30:35.120 --> 00:30:36.600
that's weighing you down.

467
00:30:36.600 --> 00:30:38.160
That's really where the pain is.

468
00:30:38.160 --> 00:30:40.040
And y'all, I'm not saying that

469
00:30:40.040 --> 00:30:42.520
because I am minimizing the painful thing

470
00:30:42.520 --> 00:30:43.980
that you may have gone through.

471
00:30:43.980 --> 00:30:45.280
Like y'all don't know my story,

472
00:30:45.280 --> 00:30:46.440
y'all don't know Annette's story,

473
00:30:46.440 --> 00:30:48.760
but I promise you between the two of you,

474
00:30:48.760 --> 00:30:50.600
we have been to hell and back too.

475
00:30:50.600 --> 00:30:51.720
And so we get it.

476
00:30:51.720 --> 00:30:54.000
We don't say this lightly.

477
00:30:54.000 --> 00:30:56.720
We just know that this is such an important topic.

478
00:30:56.720 --> 00:31:00.400
This is like the most freeing part of the heart work.

479
00:31:02.000 --> 00:31:05.800
If we, you know, in another way that somebody said this to me

480
00:31:05.800 --> 00:31:10.800
is if we feel like something that we did that's unforgivable

481
00:31:10.920 --> 00:31:12.920
or something that somebody else that did

482
00:31:12.920 --> 00:31:16.880
was unforgivable, it is like asking Jesus

483
00:31:16.880 --> 00:31:19.880
to get back on the crossing, it wasn't enough.

484
00:31:19.880 --> 00:31:20.860
And I don't know about you,

485
00:31:20.860 --> 00:31:23.400
but I don't want to tell Jesus to get back on the cross.

486
00:31:23.400 --> 00:31:26.540
Like right now he's living in his glorified body

487
00:31:27.360 --> 00:31:28.940
at the right hand, he is our high priest

488
00:31:28.940 --> 00:31:30.220
interceding on our behalf.

489
00:31:30.220 --> 00:31:32.340
And the last thing I want to do is tell Jesus,

490
00:31:32.340 --> 00:31:34.860
you know what, I really don't think you did enough.

491
00:31:34.860 --> 00:31:36.900
I think I need you to get back on that cross.

492
00:31:36.900 --> 00:31:38.860
So that is kind of what happens

493
00:31:38.860 --> 00:31:43.140
when we're not willing to forgive other people or ourselves.

494
00:31:45.780 --> 00:31:49.020
Okay, so remember, here's what forgiveness is not.

495
00:31:49.020 --> 00:31:52.620
Forgiveness is not saying that what they did wasn't wrong.

496
00:31:52.620 --> 00:31:54.800
No, no, it was wrong.

497
00:31:54.800 --> 00:31:57.400
Forgiveness is not condoning what they did.

498
00:31:57.400 --> 00:31:59.800
No, no, no, they shouldn't have done it.

499
00:31:59.800 --> 00:32:03.060
And forgiveness is not letting them get away with it.

500
00:32:03.060 --> 00:32:08.060
Y'all, like we don't know how justice is served with God,

501
00:32:08.140 --> 00:32:12.400
but if we have to trust that God is gonna serve us justly

502
00:32:12.400 --> 00:32:16.120
and give us eternity, then we have to trust

503
00:32:16.120 --> 00:32:20.120
that God will justly serve sin, right?

504
00:32:20.120 --> 00:32:24.200
He's not gonna give us eternity and then blow off sin.

505
00:32:24.600 --> 00:32:25.440
It doesn't go that way.

506
00:32:25.440 --> 00:32:30.440
So we don't need to be on the front seat of someone's pain.

507
00:32:30.440 --> 00:32:33.240
Y'all, like there was a guy, total douche,

508
00:32:33.240 --> 00:32:34.400
but he lived on a lake.

509
00:32:34.400 --> 00:32:37.460
So I dated him way longer than I should have.

510
00:32:37.460 --> 00:32:40.240
I mean, he was gorgeous, lived on a lake.

511
00:32:40.240 --> 00:32:41.660
I put up with a lot.

512
00:32:41.660 --> 00:32:45.360
And like, he treated me so badly.

513
00:32:45.360 --> 00:32:47.060
I mean, so badly.

514
00:32:47.060 --> 00:32:50.240
And he has shown, and I mean, I forgave him.

515
00:32:50.240 --> 00:32:51.560
I mean, I honestly forgot about him,

516
00:32:51.560 --> 00:32:53.120
but he has shown back up on Facebook.

517
00:32:53.120 --> 00:32:55.020
You know, sometimes it was those old boyfriends,

518
00:32:55.020 --> 00:32:57.440
they just show on back up on Facebook.

519
00:32:57.440 --> 00:32:59.120
Y'all, he's a hot mess.

520
00:32:59.120 --> 00:33:03.680
He is divorced, he's an alcoholic, he like hates life.

521
00:33:03.680 --> 00:33:05.920
And I'm like, see, I didn't have to do anything.

522
00:33:05.920 --> 00:33:06.920
God just took care of it.

523
00:33:06.920 --> 00:33:08.320
Now here's the thing though.

524
00:33:08.320 --> 00:33:10.400
I actually, you think I would be happy

525
00:33:10.400 --> 00:33:11.840
that his life's a mess.

526
00:33:11.840 --> 00:33:13.480
I'm actually not happy at all.

527
00:33:13.480 --> 00:33:15.040
I want him to know Jesus.

528
00:33:15.040 --> 00:33:17.920
Now I'm not, it's not my job to do that part,

529
00:33:17.920 --> 00:33:20.840
but I'm praying for him and I want him to know Jesus

530
00:33:20.840 --> 00:33:24.140
because at the end of the day, everybody deserves Jesus.

531
00:33:24.140 --> 00:33:27.100
If I deserve Jesus, everybody deserves Jesus.

532
00:33:27.100 --> 00:33:28.760
So I want you to be thinking,

533
00:33:28.760 --> 00:33:30.760
you're gonna be going into a breakout room

534
00:33:30.760 --> 00:33:33.620
in about five minutes with two other people.

535
00:33:34.640 --> 00:33:36.680
And I believe you guys all,

536
00:33:36.680 --> 00:33:38.560
now you guys have been given the worksheet

537
00:33:38.560 --> 00:33:40.600
and maybe you can confirm this for me,

538
00:33:40.600 --> 00:33:42.880
that there is a forgiveness prayer sheet.

539
00:33:42.880 --> 00:33:44.260
Do they still get these?

540
00:33:45.800 --> 00:33:47.160
Yes, okay.

541
00:33:47.160 --> 00:33:49.900
So there is a forgiveness prayer sheet

542
00:33:49.940 --> 00:33:51.700
that should be in one of your handouts

543
00:33:51.700 --> 00:33:53.740
for you guys to download and print.

544
00:33:53.740 --> 00:33:55.460
I printed like 20 of these

545
00:33:55.460 --> 00:33:57.540
because you're only supposed to do one per person.

546
00:33:57.540 --> 00:33:59.260
And it goes like this.

547
00:33:59.260 --> 00:34:02.140
Dear Heavenly Father, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ,

548
00:34:02.140 --> 00:34:05.340
I purpose and choose to forgive, there's a blank,

549
00:34:05.340 --> 00:34:09.219
for blank, I release, you put their name again,

550
00:34:09.219 --> 00:34:12.780
I cancel their debts and obligations to me in this issue.

551
00:34:12.780 --> 00:34:14.340
Lord, I ask you to forgive me

552
00:34:14.340 --> 00:34:17.340
for my unforgiveness and bitterness towards blank,

553
00:34:17.340 --> 00:34:20.060
you put their name again, in this situation.

554
00:34:20.060 --> 00:34:22.739
In the name of Jesus, I cancel all of Satan's power

555
00:34:22.739 --> 00:34:24.699
and authority over me in this issue

556
00:34:24.699 --> 00:34:27.500
because I have forgiven them and God has forgiven me.

557
00:34:27.500 --> 00:34:29.380
It is done and it is now over.

558
00:34:29.380 --> 00:34:32.100
Holy Spirit, come and heal my heart

559
00:34:32.100 --> 00:34:35.760
and tell me your truth about this situation.

560
00:34:35.760 --> 00:34:37.500
And then there's a section to say,

561
00:34:37.500 --> 00:34:39.340
what is Holy Spirit telling me?

562
00:34:40.300 --> 00:34:42.020
And here's the thing, you guys,

563
00:34:42.020 --> 00:34:44.620
and Jackie, I think she says it somewhere in the chapter,

564
00:34:44.620 --> 00:34:46.179
I may have just skipped it over.

565
00:34:46.179 --> 00:34:49.360
You know you're not done forgiving that person

566
00:34:49.360 --> 00:34:51.659
when if you run into them,

567
00:34:51.659 --> 00:34:53.880
the main thing that you associate with them

568
00:34:53.880 --> 00:34:55.580
is the thing that they did to you.

569
00:34:56.920 --> 00:35:00.020
And that's when you know you're like still tethered.

570
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:02.960
And so you're like, Renee, but do you really understand?

571
00:35:02.960 --> 00:35:08.080
So here's all of the people I now irony, this one woman that I had to forgive y'all.

572
00:35:08.080 --> 00:35:09.760
She did. She did me dirty.

573
00:35:09.760 --> 00:35:14.040
I mean, I ran a nonprofit and I had a couple of Judas's on my staff

574
00:35:14.040 --> 00:35:17.880
who like I trusted with my life and shared personal stuff about my life.

575
00:35:18.360 --> 00:35:22.240
And I mean, y'all, I mean, I'm telling you, I have been acute.

576
00:35:22.240 --> 00:35:25.200
Like, you know, the stuff that you think the enemy says about you,

577
00:35:25.200 --> 00:35:28.240
that you think nobody else really actually believes, but you believe in your head.

578
00:35:28.520 --> 00:35:30.800
Like that, that's the kind of stuff that was said about me.

579
00:35:31.080 --> 00:35:37.120
And this person, she like spearheaded it, like to try to get me fired.

580
00:35:38.160 --> 00:35:39.600
And you know what?

581
00:35:39.600 --> 00:35:43.040
If I saw her right now, I would I actually feel nothing.

582
00:35:43.400 --> 00:35:47.120
I have been released because I did this forgiveness prayer four years ago.

583
00:35:47.440 --> 00:35:49.920
And you know what? If she hugged me, I'd be willing to hug her back.

584
00:35:49.920 --> 00:35:51.200
I don't know if we'd be friends again.

585
00:35:51.200 --> 00:35:52.600
I won't trust her with anything.

586
00:35:53.920 --> 00:35:57.800
But I have no pain associated with this person anymore.

587
00:35:58.800 --> 00:36:01.600
So I've already told you I've had to do forgiveness with my dad.

588
00:36:02.120 --> 00:36:07.560
I've had to do it with my mom because her covert my dad's behavior was over bad.

589
00:36:07.840 --> 00:36:11.760
But my mom's covert behavior of tolerating bad in front of us

590
00:36:12.000 --> 00:36:13.920
taught me to tolerate bad behavior.

591
00:36:13.920 --> 00:36:15.080
Isn't that crazy?

592
00:36:15.080 --> 00:36:18.440
Like I realized in my 30s that I needed to forgive my mom

593
00:36:18.440 --> 00:36:21.600
because she set the pattern that I picked up

594
00:36:21.840 --> 00:36:25.360
where I allowed people to treat me badly.

595
00:36:25.360 --> 00:36:27.520
I had to forgive my sister.

596
00:36:27.520 --> 00:36:29.000
Won't go there.

597
00:36:29.000 --> 00:36:32.600
I already mentioned that I had to forgive some folks at work.

598
00:36:33.920 --> 00:36:36.000
I had to forgive myself.

599
00:36:36.000 --> 00:36:38.440
I had to forgive you guys. This was a really tough one.

600
00:36:38.440 --> 00:36:40.880
I was sexually assaulted about 15 years ago,

601
00:36:41.160 --> 00:36:43.160
and I had to forgive the person who did that.

602
00:36:43.560 --> 00:36:46.680
And I also had to forgive, I dare say, God in that

603
00:36:46.680 --> 00:36:49.120
because out of all of the things in that moment,

604
00:36:49.360 --> 00:36:52.280
I was so mad at God for not protecting me in that moment

605
00:36:52.480 --> 00:36:56.920
or giving me superhuman strength to like shove him off of my body and get me away.

606
00:36:58.720 --> 00:37:01.720
And so I'm just letting you know, I have a long list,

607
00:37:01.720 --> 00:37:06.480
and I know that Annette's about to share a forgiveness story for you all as well.

608
00:37:06.480 --> 00:37:09.720
So I want you to know that

609
00:37:11.360 --> 00:37:14.720
I be thinking about tonight who you need to forgive.

610
00:37:14.720 --> 00:37:18.080
Now, I'm not saying in the next five minutes when you go into your breakout,

611
00:37:18.080 --> 00:37:19.960
you're like, oh, my gosh, Sandra.

612
00:37:19.960 --> 00:37:23.280
Sandra's like, I need to forgive so and so for this.

613
00:37:23.560 --> 00:37:26.000
I'm just going to say a prayer and I'm going to be fine.

614
00:37:26.440 --> 00:37:28.600
I'm just going to say you're going to be talking about it.

615
00:37:28.600 --> 00:37:33.440
You're going to be talking about what it feels like to even bring that person's name up.

616
00:37:34.400 --> 00:37:37.680
Talk about maybe share what happened in not a lot of detail

617
00:37:37.680 --> 00:37:39.360
because you're only going to have five minutes,

618
00:37:39.360 --> 00:37:41.960
but what you're why you're afraid of forgiving them,

619
00:37:42.160 --> 00:37:45.560
what you're afraid might happen or your excitement to forgive them.

620
00:37:45.800 --> 00:37:47.880
And then tonight or tomorrow, you're going to go

621
00:37:47.880 --> 00:37:50.040
and you're going to actually go through this prayer

622
00:37:50.040 --> 00:37:52.440
that you guys have in your handy dandy handouts.

623
00:37:52.800 --> 00:37:55.320
And you're going to and if you have access to it tonight

624
00:37:56.080 --> 00:37:59.080
and you want to do that, feel free to go ahead and do that.

625
00:37:59.080 --> 00:38:01.920
And so you guys can start to do that prayer release

626
00:38:02.680 --> 00:38:04.680
tonight and however you want to do it.

627
00:38:04.680 --> 00:38:06.640
I'm going to pop it over to Annette,

628
00:38:06.640 --> 00:38:09.040
because I'm sure she's got something powerful to jump in and say.

629
00:38:10.680 --> 00:38:12.680
Powerful. Yes. Powerful.

630
00:38:14.960 --> 00:38:17.640
Actually, it's going to be vulnerable and transparent

631
00:38:17.640 --> 00:38:23.880
because the first thing that came to me, I really felt like I was a person.

632
00:38:24.160 --> 00:38:26.160
I've had things that I've had to.

633
00:38:27.440 --> 00:38:30.400
I was sexually abused by a babysitter when I was little.

634
00:38:30.680 --> 00:38:32.840
I was sexually abused by my dad.

635
00:38:32.840 --> 00:38:35.240
I, I forgave.

636
00:38:35.840 --> 00:38:37.560
It came in layers.

637
00:38:37.560 --> 00:38:40.680
I also had had to forgive my mom.

638
00:38:40.960 --> 00:38:44.400
Also, interestingly enough, as Renee was saying, when I was in my 30s,

639
00:38:44.400 --> 00:38:48.760
because I realized that my mom enabled the behavior

640
00:38:48.760 --> 00:38:52.960
and I actually felt more anger towards my mom

641
00:38:53.680 --> 00:38:57.720
than I did my dad, because my dad apologized.

642
00:38:57.720 --> 00:39:02.040
My mom really didn't and didn't see how it all fit together.

643
00:39:02.240 --> 00:39:04.480
But it's all definitely come in layers.

644
00:39:04.800 --> 00:39:06.880
But I'll tell you, ladies, since I've been married.

645
00:39:08.320 --> 00:39:12.320
You talk about forgiveness for little things that

646
00:39:12.640 --> 00:39:16.640
because Arthur and I haven't been able to live under the same roof

647
00:39:16.640 --> 00:39:21.520
since we've been married, that has presented some unique challenges.

648
00:39:22.440 --> 00:39:23.600
But praise the Lord.

649
00:39:23.600 --> 00:39:26.160
He was just approved for his green card on Friday.

650
00:39:26.440 --> 00:39:28.680
And so he should have it in the next 10 days.

651
00:39:29.160 --> 00:39:31.240
And I am thrilled.

652
00:39:31.800 --> 00:39:34.200
I'm so thankful.

653
00:39:34.400 --> 00:39:37.920
But. It has been hard

654
00:39:38.480 --> 00:39:41.080
because when you are.

655
00:39:42.200 --> 00:39:46.400
Maintaining a marriage relationship essentially over the phone

656
00:39:46.920 --> 00:39:51.320
and he's on set when I'm off work

657
00:39:51.600 --> 00:39:54.840
and when I'm at work and I don't get breaks and so

658
00:39:55.440 --> 00:39:58.000
we don't get to connect or we get to talk, which

659
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:03.480
quality time is one of my love languages,

660
00:40:03.480 --> 00:40:06.000
that has been really hard

661
00:40:06.000 --> 00:40:08.560
because I will assign a motive to him

662
00:40:08.560 --> 00:40:11.920
without even realizing it and be frustrated

663
00:40:12.800 --> 00:40:15.480
and then come to realize

664
00:40:17.240 --> 00:40:19.520
he didn't intend it or mean it that way at all.

665
00:40:19.520 --> 00:40:23.280
He's just, he's so easygoing.

666
00:40:23.280 --> 00:40:25.880
I'm definitely, I thought I was easygoing

667
00:40:25.880 --> 00:40:27.920
until I married Arthur.

668
00:40:27.920 --> 00:40:30.360
And then I realized that perhaps my panties

669
00:40:30.360 --> 00:40:32.920
are in a bunch 24 seven, but he,

670
00:40:35.440 --> 00:40:37.400
and he'll just go about his day

671
00:40:37.400 --> 00:40:39.880
and when he gets to talk to me, he gets to talk to me

672
00:40:39.880 --> 00:40:42.720
and I'm like, no, but you're out of time.

673
00:40:42.720 --> 00:40:43.560
Let's do this.

674
00:40:43.560 --> 00:40:44.920
Why aren't you thinking of me?

675
00:40:44.920 --> 00:40:47.640
And it really has provided opportunities

676
00:40:47.640 --> 00:40:50.520
where A, I needed to come before God and repent

677
00:40:50.520 --> 00:40:52.520
and ask for his forgiveness.

678
00:40:52.520 --> 00:40:57.400
And that B, also when we've had conversations

679
00:40:57.400 --> 00:40:59.640
about what I need that hasn't gone very well

680
00:40:59.640 --> 00:41:03.000
because we don't see it the same

681
00:41:03.000 --> 00:41:05.000
and we're still learning and growing,

682
00:41:06.200 --> 00:41:08.960
the little daily things can add up

683
00:41:08.960 --> 00:41:13.200
if you don't stay on top of them and lay it down.

684
00:41:13.200 --> 00:41:17.080
And even in a moment, say, God, I choose to forgive.

685
00:41:17.080 --> 00:41:18.960
I choose to forgive in this moment

686
00:41:19.960 --> 00:41:22.000
and this is the truth I'm gonna stand on

687
00:41:22.000 --> 00:41:24.600
and this is what I believe and this is what I know.

688
00:41:24.600 --> 00:41:26.200
Thank you that you're at work,

689
00:41:26.200 --> 00:41:29.040
even when I don't see it or I don't feel like it,

690
00:41:29.040 --> 00:41:31.960
but I choose to forgive because you've forgiven me.

691
00:41:31.960 --> 00:41:33.280
And what Renee said,

692
00:41:33.280 --> 00:41:36.520
really helped put it in perspective for me

693
00:41:38.120 --> 00:41:42.200
because when we aren't willing to forgive someone,

694
00:41:42.200 --> 00:41:45.320
it's like we're saying what God did wasn't enough.

695
00:41:45.320 --> 00:41:47.920
We'll accept his forgiveness of us,

696
00:41:50.520 --> 00:41:52.400
but then we don't turn around

697
00:41:52.400 --> 00:41:56.320
and give that same gift to somebody else

698
00:41:56.320 --> 00:41:58.120
that's been given to us.

699
00:41:58.120 --> 00:42:02.720
And so that's my honest answer.

700
00:42:02.720 --> 00:42:06.320
I am blessed to be married.

701
00:42:06.320 --> 00:42:07.600
I am thankful for Arthur,

702
00:42:07.600 --> 00:42:10.360
but I'm just being real with you in saying

703
00:42:10.360 --> 00:42:13.960
that it has given opportunity for me

704
00:42:13.960 --> 00:42:18.960
to practice forgiveness every day, every day.

705
00:42:19.800 --> 00:42:20.640
Amen.

706
00:42:20.640 --> 00:42:21.480
So.

707
00:42:21.480 --> 00:42:22.320
Yup.

708
00:42:22.320 --> 00:42:23.640
So good.

709
00:42:23.640 --> 00:42:24.800
That's me.

710
00:42:24.800 --> 00:42:25.640
So good.

711
00:42:25.640 --> 00:42:26.480
Thanks for listening.

712
00:42:26.480 --> 00:42:27.320
So good.

713
00:42:28.840 --> 00:42:31.120
I was able to catch up in the chat

714
00:42:31.120 --> 00:42:33.720
and there was two things that people questioned.

715
00:42:33.720 --> 00:42:36.320
Somebody said, I'm still attracting

716
00:42:36.320 --> 00:42:38.040
the wrong kind of person

717
00:42:38.040 --> 00:42:40.640
and I don't think I'm in the victim's seat anymore.

718
00:42:40.640 --> 00:42:42.800
Remember, you guys are on a dating sabbatical

719
00:42:42.800 --> 00:42:44.520
for the rest of HeartWork.

720
00:42:44.520 --> 00:42:46.320
So hopefully you're not dating somebody right now,

721
00:42:46.880 --> 00:42:50.120
but I promise you when you get to phase two,

722
00:42:50.120 --> 00:42:52.120
and this is also gonna answer question number two

723
00:42:52.120 --> 00:42:53.000
I saw on there.

724
00:42:53.000 --> 00:42:55.320
How do I stop being the rescuer?

725
00:42:55.320 --> 00:42:58.280
You're gonna hear a lot about the divine masculine

726
00:42:58.280 --> 00:43:00.520
and the divine feminine.

727
00:43:00.520 --> 00:43:02.880
You're gonna talk about how to date healthy

728
00:43:02.880 --> 00:43:04.200
in different levels.

729
00:43:04.200 --> 00:43:06.600
You're gonna learn about healthy boundaries

730
00:43:06.600 --> 00:43:07.840
and you're gonna learn about

731
00:43:07.840 --> 00:43:12.200
how to just navigate dating differently.

732
00:43:12.200 --> 00:43:14.760
And so I really feel like

733
00:43:14.760 --> 00:43:16.640
I'm still attracting the wrong guy

734
00:43:16.640 --> 00:43:18.640
and how do I stop being the rescuer?

735
00:43:18.640 --> 00:43:21.440
I promise a lot of that you're gonna get to unpack

736
00:43:21.440 --> 00:43:24.520
a little bit more in phase two.

737
00:43:24.520 --> 00:43:27.920
I can say I'm the rescuer because I'm a rescuer.

738
00:43:29.320 --> 00:43:31.800
Is the biggest thing I've had to let go of

739
00:43:31.800 --> 00:43:36.080
is I cannot produce the outcomes for other people.

740
00:43:36.080 --> 00:43:38.560
Sometimes I'm gonna have to let people fall.

741
00:43:38.560 --> 00:43:41.720
Sometimes I am gonna have to let them not like me.

742
00:43:42.720 --> 00:43:47.000
And because the biggest thing that happens

743
00:43:47.000 --> 00:43:51.120
when you've been a victim is you really worry

744
00:43:51.120 --> 00:43:52.600
about what other people think about you

745
00:43:52.600 --> 00:43:55.040
because there's like some warp thing that happens

746
00:43:55.040 --> 00:43:57.640
that you start to think like I'm damaged goods.

747
00:43:57.640 --> 00:43:59.480
And so you start to think I'm worrying

748
00:43:59.480 --> 00:44:02.120
about what other people think about me in this situation.

749
00:44:02.120 --> 00:44:05.560
But it kind of, that gets us a little bit away

750
00:44:05.560 --> 00:44:06.840
from the topic of forgiveness.

751
00:44:06.840 --> 00:44:08.440
I'd love to go down that rabbit trail

752
00:44:08.440 --> 00:44:10.440
because I do a lot of the teachings in phase two,

753
00:44:10.440 --> 00:44:12.240
but I'm not gonna go down that rabbit trail.

754
00:44:12.240 --> 00:44:15.480
I just wanted to give you that visual

755
00:44:15.480 --> 00:44:18.720
so to kind of carry that with you as you go forward.

756
00:44:18.720 --> 00:44:20.440
There were three other, there's just a couple

757
00:44:20.440 --> 00:44:23.560
of the things that Bethany had here in our notes

758
00:44:23.560 --> 00:44:26.680
that I did not go over that I wanted to say.

759
00:44:26.680 --> 00:44:28.680
When you are staying in the victim's seat,

760
00:44:28.680 --> 00:44:31.320
you kind of have this helplessness.

761
00:44:31.320 --> 00:44:32.840
You tend to blame others

762
00:44:32.840 --> 00:44:35.560
and you're still focused on the past.

763
00:44:35.560 --> 00:44:37.360
Then you become a survivor.

764
00:44:37.360 --> 00:44:39.760
And you know, like I think about that Destiny's Child song

765
00:44:40.120 --> 00:44:42.200
that I used to run to all the time, I'm a survivor.

766
00:44:42.200 --> 00:44:44.840
We're like, woo-woo, I'm a survivor.

767
00:44:44.840 --> 00:44:47.480
So a survivor reclaims their power.

768
00:44:47.480 --> 00:44:50.240
They take responsibility for their choices.

769
00:44:50.240 --> 00:44:52.520
They choose to heal and get self-care

770
00:44:52.520 --> 00:44:54.320
and they start saying no,

771
00:44:55.160 --> 00:44:59.200
but they're still continuing to live and exist.

772
00:44:59.200 --> 00:45:00.040
We want you to go.

773
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:07.840
past surviving. We want you to thrive. Thriving focuses on the future. We believe that we

774
00:45:07.840 --> 00:45:13.880
have the power regarding our future. We surround other people who are thriving. So that is

775
00:45:13.880 --> 00:45:18.740
how you attract healthier people. You put healthier people in your life. If you stay

776
00:45:18.740 --> 00:45:23.640
friends with people who are miserable, people who are moaning, people who are complaining,

777
00:45:23.640 --> 00:45:31.160
people who are not forgiving, if you are following on Facebook, Jackie and I just talked about

778
00:45:31.160 --> 00:45:35.120
this tonight. She said, please get them off this Facebook page. If you're on the Facebook

779
00:45:35.120 --> 00:45:41.120
page that says, are we dating the same guy? Get off. If you keep looking for shitty people,

780
00:45:41.120 --> 00:45:45.100
you will find shitty people. That is just kind of the direction your life will take

781
00:45:45.100 --> 00:45:50.840
you in. And so we want you to surround yourself with not just survivors, but thrivers. That's

782
00:45:50.840 --> 00:45:56.240
the name of the game here. Okay. We're going to break you out into group of three. So let

783
00:45:56.240 --> 00:46:03.480
me pause. Welcome back. I know people are trickling in back. Some people might be using

784
00:46:03.480 --> 00:46:31.560
that entire 60 seconds to come on back.

785
00:46:31.560 --> 00:46:39.520
Well I'm so glad you all are all back or coming back, coming on back. And I know that

786
00:46:39.520 --> 00:46:44.160
forgiveness, like especially like, oh yeah, you just talked about forgiveness in 30 minutes

787
00:46:44.160 --> 00:46:48.960
and like that didn't make it all go away. But I'm hoping that reading through the material,

788
00:46:48.960 --> 00:46:53.960
watching the videos and as kind of unpacking it. So depending on where you are in the heartwork,

789
00:46:53.960 --> 00:46:57.360
I know that sometimes we bring up a topic that you've not yet watched the videos on

790
00:46:57.360 --> 00:47:02.560
or read yet. So as you get to that section in the chapter or you watch those videos,

791
00:47:02.560 --> 00:47:06.840
might kind of come together more. You're going to see that forgiveness shape that I was talking

792
00:47:06.840 --> 00:47:13.960
about, but now is your chance to open the floor. Ask us burning questions that came

793
00:47:13.960 --> 00:47:20.000
up during your time or just even from my talk, share what the fruit that came out of your

794
00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:24.400
time that you had with the women, something aha moment you had. And it could have been

795
00:47:24.480 --> 00:47:29.360
something that Annette said or something that somebody else said. So I always love sharing

796
00:47:29.360 --> 00:47:35.000
the ahas because I feel like that's a great way. Megan.

797
00:47:35.000 --> 00:47:44.720
Hi, one thing that I was kind of thinking about and I shared with the lady I was talking

798
00:47:44.720 --> 00:47:52.840
with was I feel like in some ways I diminish what I've gone through in some victim things.

799
00:47:52.840 --> 00:47:57.880
So then when I do share what happens with people, it then brings up all those feelings.

800
00:47:57.880 --> 00:48:02.440
So I know that diminishing is not forgiving, but I've just was kind of trying to figure

801
00:48:02.440 --> 00:48:09.720
out like how do I work through that even in forgiveness with diminishing what I go through.

802
00:48:09.720 --> 00:48:14.960
And I know that like it's something that God has shown me lately that I do a lot with certain

803
00:48:14.960 --> 00:48:18.600
things. Do you find that like you can be honest with

804
00:48:18.600 --> 00:48:25.040
yourself about the fullness of it? And so that's where you might have to on that forgiveness

805
00:48:25.040 --> 00:48:31.000
sheet when it says what you're forgiving them for. You can list out every blessed thing

806
00:48:31.000 --> 00:48:36.480
and kind of like have and even like put it down and then pick it back up to go like,

807
00:48:36.480 --> 00:48:41.720
OK, God, is there anything else about this situation that I'm not that I'm diminishing

808
00:48:41.720 --> 00:48:45.880
there? I'm not saying that out loud. And I get that, Megan, because I kind of used to

809
00:48:45.880 --> 00:48:50.640
do that, too. Like I used to say things very flippantly and like, oh, that thing happened

810
00:48:50.640 --> 00:48:55.600
to me. And people would be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like that's a pretty big thing. And

811
00:48:55.600 --> 00:49:03.240
so I would say when you start to fill out that forgiveness sheet, try to let to write

812
00:49:03.240 --> 00:49:07.960
down everything that you think, lay it down, pray about it, come back to it just to make

813
00:49:07.960 --> 00:49:12.840
sure that that list is complete, because the first person that you need to be the most

814
00:49:12.840 --> 00:49:18.480
honest with is with yourself and with God. Like that's where you can practice not diminishing

815
00:49:18.480 --> 00:49:25.880
it. And I will be honest with you. Not every person is going to hear your full story. Right.

816
00:49:25.880 --> 00:49:31.440
And you know that. So it's kind of like as you share your testimony, like there are parts

817
00:49:31.440 --> 00:49:35.140
of my testimony and I've said that to Brian, like there's parts of my testimony you've

818
00:49:35.140 --> 00:49:39.700
not heard. You've not wanted to hear all of it. So don't be surprised if some of it comes

819
00:49:39.700 --> 00:49:45.740
out over here at this speaking engagement over here. So do it with yourself. Give yourself

820
00:49:45.740 --> 00:49:53.520
time to fill in the blank and kind of get that fullness of it. I would say start there

821
00:49:53.520 --> 00:50:00.060
if that helps you not diminish it. Sometimes we don't want to say it all because

822
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:08.040
is then we have to face it. And that's harder to do. But then also trust that that might

823
00:50:08.040 --> 00:50:12.480
be like something that God's going to show you in layers. And like you may lay it all

824
00:50:12.480 --> 00:50:17.720
down with somebody this week, but a year from now, God might reveal more to you. And it

825
00:50:17.720 --> 00:50:22.680
wasn't just that you were diminishing it, but maybe you're more ready for the rest of

826
00:50:22.680 --> 00:50:25.520
it. Does that help a little bit?

827
00:50:25.760 --> 00:50:31.080
Yeah, I think too, sometimes I like, I think the enemy uses doubt and diminishing at the

828
00:50:31.080 --> 00:50:35.120
same time a lot. That's what I've been kind of seeing is just like almost doubting that

829
00:50:35.120 --> 00:50:42.400
like, was I really a victim in it too sometimes, even though like, it really is, but I also

830
00:50:42.400 --> 00:50:43.840
know what I need to move forward.

831
00:50:44.200 --> 00:50:50.040
Yeah. Well, here's the thing, like, you don't even have to sit on the word victim. If that

832
00:50:50.120 --> 00:50:56.320
downplays it too much, you can be like, what happened in this situation? Maybe I wasn't

833
00:50:56.320 --> 00:51:02.200
a victim in this situation. Maybe I went in knowingly, and this bad thing happened. So

834
00:51:02.200 --> 00:51:07.840
maybe take out the word victim, because what the what the enemy is trying to tell you there

835
00:51:07.840 --> 00:51:14.720
is, it didn't happen. But then it's stopping you from forgiving the person. And so it's

836
00:51:14.720 --> 00:51:24.760
keeping you tethered to it. And so forgiving them, that's a good thing for you guys to

837
00:51:24.760 --> 00:51:31.080
hear. Forgiving doesn't mean minimizing. So know that when you forgive so and so, even

838
00:51:31.080 --> 00:51:35.640
if you don't name all the things that they did, you forget. Now, if you forgive them

839
00:51:35.640 --> 00:51:39.960
and go back to them and let them keep doing that to you, then that's kind of minimizing

840
00:51:40.000 --> 00:51:44.600
it, and it's not receiving the healing. But if you've released that person, you forgiving

841
00:51:44.600 --> 00:51:50.240
them is not minimizing it. So don't let the enemy convince you that either. So hope that

842
00:51:50.240 --> 00:51:51.720
helps. Eloise.

843
00:51:52.920 --> 00:52:00.480
Okay, every time you talk in different sessions, you have said something that I get an

844
00:52:00.480 --> 00:52:07.320
aha moment. And so when you did scarcity a few weeks ago, and all that, that was

845
00:52:07.320 --> 00:52:14.200
revolutionary for me. So in my word for the year is abundance. So and not scarcity. So

846
00:52:14.200 --> 00:52:21.080
yay. But when you said something about your mother, that your mother set you up to

847
00:52:21.080 --> 00:52:29.280
believe something. And I don't remember what that something was. But from the word go,

848
00:52:29.640 --> 00:52:35.320
my mother set me up for believing that marriage is a bad thing. And that there's a lot

849
00:52:35.320 --> 00:52:41.920
of pain that comes with marriage. I was like, 12, 13, something like that. And out of the

850
00:52:41.920 --> 00:52:46.400
blue, she walked up to me and she said, I hope you never get married, so that you don't

851
00:52:46.400 --> 00:52:51.920
have to go through the pain I've gone through. She said that and never anything else. She

852
00:52:51.920 --> 00:52:56.400
never explained it. She's didn't like, you know, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said

853
00:52:56.400 --> 00:53:06.600
blah, blah, blah. And, and so tonight, it just came up that I didn't realize how much of a

854
00:53:06.600 --> 00:53:13.080
lie that I believe I've had deliverance over all this, I pray for my mother, you know, all

855
00:53:13.080 --> 00:53:19.800
this. And so this is the biggest layer of the onion ever. So we must be getting a lot

856
00:53:19.800 --> 00:53:20.440
closer.

857
00:53:22.600 --> 00:53:28.520
And here's the thing, you guys, sometimes they do it innocently. Like, you know, my mom was

858
00:53:28.520 --> 00:53:33.080
doing what you know, my mom came from a very Italian culture where no matter how badly your

859
00:53:33.080 --> 00:53:40.240
husband treats you, you say, and you take it. And so she didn't think she was doing anything

860
00:53:40.240 --> 00:53:48.000
wrong. And I love my mother. I mean, I love her. And she's my hero and my champion. But just

861
00:53:48.000 --> 00:53:53.960
that little nuance really helped me realize like, oh my gosh, like when I when I keep people

862
00:53:53.960 --> 00:53:58.600
out here, I have really good boundaries, though. But if I let them in my inner circle, I let them

863
00:53:58.600 --> 00:54:04.480
walk all over me. And I really pay attention to that, because I watched my mom do that. So my

864
00:54:04.480 --> 00:54:11.800
dad's behavior was obvious, but her tolerating the bad behavior and almost, as we just said,

865
00:54:11.800 --> 00:54:18.120
minimize, she was really good at minimizing my dad's behavior. Yeah. And so that taught me to

866
00:54:18.120 --> 00:54:24.760
take it. And so doesn't make her bad. It just makes it another layer of that story for me to

867
00:54:24.760 --> 00:54:29.160
work through. So I'm so glad that that spoke to you. And whatever that it needed to.

868
00:54:29.440 --> 00:54:39.720
Yeah, because my dad wasn't bad, but he was had a head injury during World War Two. And so it

869
00:54:39.720 --> 00:54:49.560
changed everything about, you know, his clarity and wisdom or lack of and all that. And so she

870
00:54:49.600 --> 00:54:59.240
lived with that, didn't expect that to, you know, be a big part of their marriage. And so but, you

871
00:54:59.240 --> 00:55:00.000
know, back then.

872
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:03.480
They didn't talk about things.

873
00:55:03.480 --> 00:55:04.840
They kept things hidden.

874
00:55:04.840 --> 00:55:09.520
And so, you know, I never knew he had a head injury

875
00:55:09.520 --> 00:55:12.760
till I was 28, nobody ever told me.

876
00:55:12.760 --> 00:55:16.000
And, you know, it's like, something's wrong here

877
00:55:16.000 --> 00:55:17.960
and I have no idea what it is.

878
00:55:17.960 --> 00:55:21.160
And that just like blew open the doors, so.

879
00:55:21.160 --> 00:55:23.240
So you might even have to forgive people

880
00:55:23.240 --> 00:55:27.600
for not telling you because I'm sure for the longest time

881
00:55:27.600 --> 00:55:29.120
they thought they were protecting you,

882
00:55:29.120 --> 00:55:30.760
but it really, it could have helped you

883
00:55:30.760 --> 00:55:34.320
have so much of a better perspective

884
00:55:34.320 --> 00:55:36.360
if you had just been told that.

885
00:55:37.520 --> 00:55:40.440
Yeah, and I, you know, and my cousins,

886
00:55:40.440 --> 00:55:44.280
and I just, I always felt like I was a fifth wheel,

887
00:55:44.280 --> 00:55:47.840
you know, second class citizen because, you know,

888
00:55:47.840 --> 00:55:52.040
poor little Eloise, you know, kind of deal, so.

889
00:55:52.040 --> 00:55:54.040
Well, no more poor little Eloise.

890
00:55:54.040 --> 00:55:56.240
Right, this is abundance Eloise.

891
00:55:56.240 --> 00:55:58.840
Abundance Eloise, I love it.

892
00:55:59.520 --> 00:56:01.000
Rusana, what do you have for us?

893
00:56:01.000 --> 00:56:02.560
Thank you, you bet.

894
00:56:06.160 --> 00:56:11.160
Sorry, I just realized actually when you were just talking

895
00:56:12.080 --> 00:56:16.560
when piggybacking off of what Megan said,

896
00:56:16.560 --> 00:56:18.560
and then you just happened to say it,

897
00:56:18.560 --> 00:56:20.280
that your mom minimized things,

898
00:56:20.280 --> 00:56:22.520
you just like, my aha just happened.

899
00:56:22.520 --> 00:56:26.360
And I was like, my husband died from accidental overdose

900
00:56:26.360 --> 00:56:27.880
20 months ago.

901
00:56:27.880 --> 00:56:30.120
And after I'm hearing you say this,

902
00:56:30.120 --> 00:56:32.520
I think I need to ask for my eldest son,

903
00:56:32.520 --> 00:56:33.840
at least for forgiveness for him,

904
00:56:33.840 --> 00:56:38.760
because I'm realizing like I minimized a lot of stuff

905
00:56:38.760 --> 00:56:40.600
in his behaviors and actions and stuff,

906
00:56:40.600 --> 00:56:45.520
and not justified, but just being like,

907
00:56:45.520 --> 00:56:47.680
now I'm seeing like what I did,

908
00:56:47.680 --> 00:56:48.800
so it wouldn't look as bad,

909
00:56:48.800 --> 00:56:51.800
but there were times I didn't know he was using.

910
00:56:51.800 --> 00:56:55.360
And so, but excusing the behavior or being like, okay.

911
00:56:56.200 --> 00:56:57.400
And so he would get mad.

912
00:56:57.400 --> 00:56:58.840
He's like, why didn't you just leave sooner?

913
00:56:58.840 --> 00:57:00.040
Like he was angry with me.

914
00:57:00.040 --> 00:57:02.120
And finally, we had a really great talk about stuff.

915
00:57:02.120 --> 00:57:04.000
And he was putting on me things that,

916
00:57:05.280 --> 00:57:06.640
and I called him out on it.

917
00:57:06.640 --> 00:57:08.440
I was like, you're putting this on me

918
00:57:08.440 --> 00:57:09.280
when it was your father,

919
00:57:09.280 --> 00:57:11.600
but because I'm the only one here and I was the safe one,

920
00:57:11.600 --> 00:57:12.560
you could just dump on me.

921
00:57:12.560 --> 00:57:13.840
And there's a couple of things.

922
00:57:13.840 --> 00:57:16.520
And he just like looked at me and like, it changed things.

923
00:57:16.520 --> 00:57:19.240
But now I'm realizing, thank you for both of you saying like,

924
00:57:19.240 --> 00:57:23.800
oh my, I realized I minimized bad things and justified.

925
00:57:23.800 --> 00:57:25.360
And that's where, this is where it comes in.

926
00:57:25.360 --> 00:57:27.280
I'm sorry, when I spoke to the other women,

927
00:57:27.280 --> 00:57:29.960
the lovely women that I was talking to,

928
00:57:29.960 --> 00:57:33.760
the forgiveness part, I knew off the bat,

929
00:57:33.760 --> 00:57:34.800
she said, I think on there,

930
00:57:34.800 --> 00:57:35.880
she's like, we're the first five.

931
00:57:35.880 --> 00:57:37.160
And so I could think of a couple,

932
00:57:37.160 --> 00:57:39.400
but the two I thought of immediately

933
00:57:39.400 --> 00:57:41.880
was my late husband and myself.

934
00:57:41.880 --> 00:57:43.320
And I did not wanna do it.

935
00:57:43.320 --> 00:57:46.600
I did not, and a couple months prior to that,

936
00:57:46.600 --> 00:57:48.680
my aunt was talking, cause I had this rage.

937
00:57:48.680 --> 00:57:50.880
I had this rage and anger.

938
00:57:50.920 --> 00:57:54.640
And I do kickboxing and jujitsu to help with that rage.

939
00:57:56.160 --> 00:57:57.200
But I will tell you, she's like,

940
00:57:57.200 --> 00:57:58.840
you need to forgive yourself.

941
00:57:58.840 --> 00:58:01.800
I didn't realize as I was telling her all this stuff

942
00:58:01.800 --> 00:58:04.360
and it took me months that I was like, okay.

943
00:58:04.360 --> 00:58:07.280
And then I joined this program

944
00:58:07.280 --> 00:58:08.640
without even knowing all this stuff.

945
00:58:08.640 --> 00:58:10.920
And then I'm at the forgiveness part.

946
00:58:10.920 --> 00:58:12.680
And I took a couple of days

947
00:58:12.680 --> 00:58:15.600
because I couldn't forgive Jeff or myself.

948
00:58:15.600 --> 00:58:19.280
And I, cause I had to admit what he did multiple times

949
00:58:19.280 --> 00:58:21.320
and how he abandoned our family.

950
00:58:21.320 --> 00:58:25.640
And I don't mean just physically in eternity,

951
00:58:25.640 --> 00:58:28.320
but he abandoned us long before.

952
00:58:28.320 --> 00:58:31.000
And there was grief of that prior

953
00:58:31.000 --> 00:58:33.680
and of role of husband and father.

954
00:58:33.680 --> 00:58:35.280
So anyway, dealing with that.

955
00:58:35.280 --> 00:58:37.560
And I moved forward and I was telling the ladies

956
00:58:37.560 --> 00:58:38.920
that I finally did that.

957
00:58:38.920 --> 00:58:40.640
And I had to forgive myself for the toleration

958
00:58:40.640 --> 00:58:43.000
that I did with certain things.

959
00:58:43.000 --> 00:58:46.200
And I didn't realize as I was doing it

960
00:58:46.200 --> 00:58:48.320
because I said it out loud,

961
00:58:48.920 --> 00:58:51.080
I started sobbing, I was crying.

962
00:58:51.080 --> 00:58:54.600
And it was just like this release that I didn't even know

963
00:58:54.600 --> 00:58:55.760
I had within myself.

964
00:58:55.760 --> 00:58:57.680
And I think it was just scared to admit

965
00:58:57.680 --> 00:59:00.160
to see my flaws in that

966
00:59:00.160 --> 00:59:02.880
because I was taking ownership of the things

967
00:59:02.880 --> 00:59:04.280
that I could have.

968
00:59:04.280 --> 00:59:05.560
What is it?

969
00:59:05.560 --> 00:59:08.000
Whatever is hindsight is 2020.

970
00:59:08.000 --> 00:59:08.960
So now I see that,

971
00:59:08.960 --> 00:59:10.960
but like we have a God that redeems us with us.

972
00:59:10.960 --> 00:59:13.400
So at least I'm walking in that forgiveness now.

973
00:59:13.400 --> 00:59:15.240
So I think it's just,

974
00:59:15.240 --> 00:59:16.880
so I was encouraging some of the women.

975
00:59:16.880 --> 00:59:18.200
I was like, don't delay.

976
00:59:19.080 --> 00:59:21.080
I was like, I'm not doing it, I'm not doing it.

977
00:59:21.080 --> 00:59:23.080
But I knew it was, if I didn't do it,

978
00:59:23.080 --> 00:59:25.200
it was not gonna allow me to propel forward

979
00:59:25.200 --> 00:59:27.080
in this program, which is what I wanna do.

980
00:59:27.080 --> 00:59:28.480
Cause I'm almost done with phase one.

981
00:59:28.480 --> 00:59:29.320
I told the girls, I was like,

982
00:59:29.320 --> 00:59:31.280
I just gotta wrap my list about my man.

983
00:59:32.480 --> 00:59:34.120
I love it.

984
00:59:34.120 --> 00:59:35.120
I love it.

985
00:59:35.120 --> 00:59:37.320
And you know, and the thing is like,

986
00:59:38.360 --> 00:59:40.200
when you know better, you do better, right?

987
00:59:40.200 --> 00:59:41.840
That's Maya Angelou always says,

988
00:59:41.840 --> 00:59:43.400
when you know better, you do better.

989
00:59:43.400 --> 00:59:44.720
And so now you know better.

990
00:59:44.720 --> 00:59:45.760
So you're gonna do better.

991
00:59:46.000 --> 00:59:48.480
And what a gift to our children for us to say,

992
00:59:48.480 --> 00:59:49.320
hey, you know what?

993
00:59:49.320 --> 00:59:51.480
I've had a chance to reflect back on this

994
00:59:51.480 --> 00:59:54.040
and I need to ask your forgiveness

995
00:59:54.040 --> 00:59:55.640
because I think I did this.

996
00:59:55.640 --> 00:59:57.120
And at the time, you know what?

997
00:59:57.120 --> 00:59:58.520
I was so in the middle of it.

998
00:59:58.520 --> 01:00:00.520
I didn't even notice how bad it was.

999
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:06.560
Was it's kind of like and so now that we're both kind of getting some clarity and we're getting some space and breath like

1000
01:00:07.440 --> 01:00:08.640
Wow

1001
01:00:08.640 --> 01:00:15.120
Like wow, like y'all when I first got saved I was this aware of my sin now, you know a million years later

1002
01:00:15.120 --> 01:00:18.800
I'm way more aware of my sin. And so the cross just has to get bigger

1003
01:00:19.280 --> 01:00:20.480
and so

1004
01:00:20.480 --> 01:00:23.440
What a gift to give your children that to be able to say like hey

1005
01:00:23.440 --> 01:00:29.360
I've done some more work and more healing and I need to ask for your forgiveness. Like what an opportunity for

1006
01:00:30.320 --> 01:00:34.880
For you to model that to your son too. So I love that and i'm so sorry

1007
01:00:34.880 --> 01:00:41.920
You went through that and i'm so glad that you're here in your healing journey, and I know god's got a beautiful redemptive story for you

1008
01:00:43.120 --> 01:00:45.520
So glad you're here. Um, audrey

1009
01:00:46.720 --> 01:00:48.720
You're up girl

1010
01:00:50.000 --> 01:00:52.000
Hi, can you hear me? Yes

1011
01:00:52.800 --> 01:00:55.520
Yeah, thank you. Um, i'm glad to be here first time

1012
01:00:55.600 --> 01:01:00.640
I will share with the lady in my group and cindy and jennifer that I had no idea what I was signing up for

1013
01:01:01.040 --> 01:01:02.720
When I came here

1014
01:01:02.720 --> 01:01:06.640
I just saw a program and I got it. I was like, I don't know why i'm here, but it's all making sense

1015
01:01:06.720 --> 01:01:07.920
I'm glad

1016
01:01:07.920 --> 01:01:11.600
I am here and I have this safe space to kind of process

1017
01:01:12.400 --> 01:01:14.880
And get healing. So this is really good

1018
01:01:15.520 --> 01:01:19.280
How many aha moment one of them was when you're talking about?

1019
01:01:19.920 --> 01:01:21.920
people pleasers and

1020
01:01:22.140 --> 01:01:23.680
Narcissistic people

1021
01:01:23.680 --> 01:01:26.000
And how they have one thing in common, which was control

1022
01:01:26.560 --> 01:01:32.960
Um, one of the reason why I ended up here because I was in a marriage somebody who was narcissistic in quotes

1023
01:01:33.680 --> 01:01:37.840
And I can call him out of being controlling wanted to control me everything else

1024
01:01:38.400 --> 01:01:40.400
But I realized I was doing the same thing

1025
01:01:40.480 --> 01:01:46.240
Like you said like people please people presents to it who loves and gives because I also want to have control

1026
01:01:46.320 --> 01:01:48.320
So control was a big thing

1027
01:01:48.320 --> 01:01:49.280
um

1028
01:01:49.280 --> 01:01:53.680
So it doesn't excuse what he did, but also understand that I have a part in it and we both

1029
01:01:54.880 --> 01:02:02.000
Need forgiveness. So that was really good for me and I think it helped me to pull another layer of forgiveness and just

1030
01:02:02.480 --> 01:02:04.560
Release him. So, thank you

1031
01:02:04.560 --> 01:02:08.800
You bet you guys that was the hardest thing for me to hear back in my 20s

1032
01:02:09.200 --> 01:02:11.280
like my pastor said that to me because I was like

1033
01:02:11.520 --> 01:02:16.320
I don't know about y'all but like i've always warned that the codependent people pleaser badge like

1034
01:02:16.880 --> 01:02:21.360
Out of everybody on the triangle, we're the better ones like there's the victim they suck

1035
01:02:21.440 --> 01:02:26.640
They're the loser right when they say the victim and then you got the narcissist the people pleaser, man

1036
01:02:26.640 --> 01:02:31.280
We're just getting stuff done. We're just getting stuff done and we're making everybody happy

1037
01:02:31.360 --> 01:02:37.300
So the first time somebody said well, you know renee codependency is it's a form of manipulation

1038
01:02:38.080 --> 01:02:40.080
It's a form of control. I was like

1039
01:02:40.640 --> 01:02:41.680
What?

1040
01:02:41.680 --> 01:02:42.560
me

1041
01:02:42.560 --> 01:02:43.680
No

1042
01:02:43.680 --> 01:02:49.680
And it is because we want to feel safe so badly and we want to feel loved so badly

1043
01:02:50.000 --> 01:02:53.600
We will do whatever it takes to create that safety around us

1044
01:02:54.080 --> 01:02:57.200
And so that it's a covert way of it

1045
01:02:57.200 --> 01:03:04.180
So it just looks prettier and it gets real reward in marriages and it gets reward in social services

1046
01:03:04.800 --> 01:03:11.520
And as a teacher as a therapist and even in church ministry like that people pleasing role gets a lot of reward

1047
01:03:12.000 --> 01:03:15.200
Um, but it could be just as unhealthy for you and other people so

1048
01:03:15.760 --> 01:03:20.080
i'm glad that that spoke to you and i'm glad that you brought that up because it's really um,

1049
01:03:20.960 --> 01:03:24.480
It's really a good thing to learn earlier in life. Not

1050
01:03:26.800 --> 01:03:32.880
Can't wait as long as me, um anybody else, um, i'm not going to make a stay on it's the 20 after the hour

1051
01:03:33.600 --> 01:03:35.600
Um grace, what you got?

1052
01:03:36.560 --> 01:03:41.920
Hi, thanks so much for having me. I'm, so sorry. My camera is broken, which is why you can't see my face

1053
01:03:42.560 --> 01:03:48.880
um, my question isn't related so that's why I wanted to go last but I put like a question in the ask the coach about

1054
01:03:49.360 --> 01:03:52.000
I just joined the program. Um recently

1055
01:03:52.560 --> 01:03:58.400
And I wasn't expecting like memories and emotions to come up, but they are coming up

1056
01:03:58.720 --> 01:04:02.560
And I was just wondering as they come up. How do I deal with them?

1057
01:04:02.720 --> 01:04:09.440
I'm journaling giving them to god, but I feel like I don't want to walk away with all these things still on the surface

1058
01:04:10.240 --> 01:04:11.120
um

1059
01:04:11.120 --> 01:04:16.320
You have a lot of options. Are you able to come at all on the prayer calls in the mornings by any chance?

1060
01:04:17.120 --> 01:04:20.800
I don't know. I'm gonna try unfortunately. It's not unfortunate. I live in australia

1061
01:04:20.800 --> 01:04:24.400
So they're two in the morning for me, but i'm gonna try it on days. I'm not working

1062
01:04:25.520 --> 01:04:27.520
Okay

1063
01:04:27.520 --> 01:04:31.360
On sunday nights when they're on seven o'clock. What time in the morning is that for you?

1064
01:04:32.320 --> 01:04:33.760
um

1065
01:04:33.760 --> 01:04:36.880
I'll double check. I think it's 5 a.m. Which is doable. That's so

1066
01:04:38.080 --> 01:04:43.920
Sunday nights try sunday night calls. Um, because that will definitely help I would definitely say

1067
01:04:45.040 --> 01:04:47.040
sharing some of what you're experiencing

1068
01:04:47.760 --> 01:04:53.040
In the your app in in the ask a coach thing because there's at least what annette

1069
01:04:53.120 --> 01:04:57.360
There's at least three or four of you over there that can respond to at least two of you

1070
01:04:57.920 --> 01:04:59.440
Over that that can respond to you

1071
01:04:59.440 --> 01:05:01.520
So it would

1072
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:06.400
be a great opportunity for you to be able to just kind of unpack and kind of release

1073
01:05:06.400 --> 01:05:07.400
some of that.

1074
01:05:07.400 --> 01:05:12.880
And Grace, I don't know, I'm sorry, I don't know when you put it in there.

1075
01:05:12.880 --> 01:05:18.280
Oh, two people have already responded, it's just that Jackie told me to come on to a call

1076
01:05:18.280 --> 01:05:19.960
and to ask and live.

1077
01:05:19.960 --> 01:05:20.960
That's why I did.

1078
01:05:20.960 --> 01:05:22.480
I wouldn't have jumped on.

1079
01:05:22.480 --> 01:05:23.480
Okay, sorry.

1080
01:05:23.480 --> 01:05:24.480
No problem.

1081
01:05:24.480 --> 01:05:25.480
Thank you though.

1082
01:05:25.480 --> 01:05:26.480
So people have been active.

1083
01:05:26.480 --> 01:05:27.480
Thank you.

1084
01:05:27.480 --> 01:05:28.480
Thank you.

1085
01:05:28.480 --> 01:05:29.480
So that's one way to do it.

1086
01:05:29.480 --> 01:05:31.360
There's a couple of the ways for you.

1087
01:05:31.360 --> 01:05:37.360
I think that I don't know if your church allows for a pastoral care visit.

1088
01:05:37.360 --> 01:05:40.320
Sometimes they have pastoral care pastors.

1089
01:05:40.320 --> 01:05:43.680
Sometimes there can be a female pastor on the team.

1090
01:05:43.680 --> 01:05:45.800
Sometimes churches offer freedom prayer.

1091
01:05:45.800 --> 01:05:48.520
I'm actually on my freedom prayer team at my church.

1092
01:05:48.520 --> 01:05:52.240
It's a great way for people to kind of like get the hook off.

1093
01:05:52.240 --> 01:05:54.360
Sometimes you need to book a massage.

1094
01:05:54.360 --> 01:05:57.080
Like I swear to God and have people rub it off of you.

1095
01:05:57.080 --> 01:06:05.160
Like literally, like there's something about massages taking it out or like doing a meditative,

1096
01:06:05.160 --> 01:06:09.480
like if you're, I mean, yoga or something like yoga, I don't, I know some people get

1097
01:06:09.480 --> 01:06:15.000
all in their tithers about yoga, but like some kind of movement sometimes is a great

1098
01:06:15.000 --> 01:06:16.880
way to release the emotion.

1099
01:06:16.880 --> 01:06:23.320
Like I learned on, when I was taking bar classes, like, you know, the ballet bar.

1100
01:06:23.320 --> 01:06:31.360
And so sometimes movement, sometimes massages, talking to somebody, taking, you know, barefoot,

1101
01:06:31.360 --> 01:06:35.680
like grounding, doing grounding work where you get in your bare feet for 20 minutes against

1102
01:06:35.680 --> 01:06:36.680
the ground.

1103
01:06:36.680 --> 01:06:43.840
Like I'm trying to give you a lot of creative to release it besides sharing it in the page

1104
01:06:43.840 --> 01:06:49.040
and letting a coach get back to you and then trying to come on at least the Sunday night

1105
01:06:49.040 --> 01:06:50.040
prayer call.

1106
01:06:50.040 --> 01:06:54.760
So I think that all of those options might be really helpful for you.

1107
01:06:54.760 --> 01:06:55.760
Thank you.

1108
01:06:55.760 --> 01:06:56.760
That is really great.

1109
01:06:56.760 --> 01:06:57.760
Thank you so much.

1110
01:06:57.760 --> 01:06:58.760
You bet.

1111
01:06:58.760 --> 01:06:59.760
You sound beautiful.

1112
01:06:59.760 --> 01:07:00.760
I can listen to you read the phone book.

1113
01:07:00.760 --> 01:07:01.760
All right.

1114
01:07:01.760 --> 01:07:06.040
I'm going to wrap it up.

1115
01:07:06.040 --> 01:07:11.120
Annette, did you want to say any final comments?

1116
01:07:11.120 --> 01:07:12.200
Tonight was great.

1117
01:07:12.200 --> 01:07:18.480
It's I'm always grateful for how a Holy Spirit shows up in the time and gives people what

1118
01:07:18.480 --> 01:07:19.480
they need.

1119
01:07:19.920 --> 01:07:20.920
Amen.

1120
01:07:20.920 --> 01:07:25.080
Well, you guys, it's an honor to get to sub here the last few weeks.

1121
01:07:25.080 --> 01:07:31.480
And I know you'll have Bethany back, who is amazing and sweet and fabulous.

1122
01:07:31.480 --> 01:07:36.480
And if you stay with the program, you'll continue to see me here and there.

1123
01:07:36.480 --> 01:07:40.600
And Annette and I are not just teachers of the program.

1124
01:07:40.600 --> 01:07:44.120
We have lived it and walked it out with you.

1125
01:07:44.120 --> 01:07:47.320
And we're so grateful for this community.

1126
01:07:47.320 --> 01:07:52.560
You will not find a safer community to walk through your single season with, to champion

1127
01:07:52.560 --> 01:07:55.420
you, to help lift you up and encourage you.

1128
01:07:55.420 --> 01:07:59.600
And so if you feel like you don't have a sister squad, if all your friends are married or

1129
01:07:59.600 --> 01:08:03.200
think you're crazy for even dealing with this, this is your safe space.

1130
01:08:03.200 --> 01:08:05.240
And we're here with you through all of it.

1131
01:08:05.240 --> 01:08:07.600
So take advantage of it as much as you can.

1132
01:08:07.600 --> 01:08:10.840
Annette, can you pray us out?

1133
01:08:10.840 --> 01:08:11.840
Absolutely.

1134
01:08:11.840 --> 01:08:15.760
God, thank you for this time.

1135
01:08:15.760 --> 01:08:21.200
Thank you for the work that you do in us to transform us and to help us step into our

1136
01:08:21.200 --> 01:08:26.680
most authentic selves and give us the freedom that can only come from you as we surrender

1137
01:08:26.680 --> 01:08:33.160
and let go and forgive and come into alignment with your perfect plan and purpose for our

1138
01:08:33.160 --> 01:08:36.920
lives and to utilize the gifts and talents that you've given us.

1139
01:08:36.920 --> 01:08:43.040
Be with each of these ladies as they go forward in the week and may your Holy Spirit just

1140
01:08:43.080 --> 01:08:48.359
quicken to them specifically what you have for them in the week ahead.

1141
01:08:48.359 --> 01:08:49.359
In your name I pray.

1142
01:08:49.359 --> 01:08:50.359
Amen.

1143
01:08:50.359 --> 01:08:51.359
Amen.

1144
01:08:51.359 --> 01:08:52.359
Have a great week, everybody.

1145
01:08:52.359 --> 01:08:53.359
Bye, ladies.

1146
01:08:53.359 --> 01:08:53.359