WEBVTT

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All right, you guys are my witness that it said recording in process, and it said that

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last time too, last week, and yet it didn't record.

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So I'm not sure.

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Now let me ask you guys a question.

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The AI recording device that's on right now, that's basically writing a transcript.

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Does that belong to one of you guys, or is that just on my Zoom?

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Any of you?

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Is that your...

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It's not me.

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Okay.

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Nobody else?

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No.

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I assume it's part of Zoom, whether it's your Zoom or not, but it's not something that

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we currently know.

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Yeah.

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I think that's a new update, Jackie, because I had that happen the other day.

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Whenever I click on it, it says it recorded with AI, so it dictates it for you.

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Great.

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That's good, because that means that we probably have the transcript from last week somewhere,

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because the video actually didn't get recorded for some reason.

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All right.

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So let me just make sure that all these settings are right, and then we turn our camera on.

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Just one sec.

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Okay.

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Trying to keep up with all the updates that these apps are having, and last week it said

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the same thing.

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It said recording in process, but we can't find the recording anywhere, so we don't know

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what's going on with that.

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All right, friends, welcome.

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Welcome to week two of our Heartwork for Couples.

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I'm really excited about this course.

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You guys are the early adopters of this course.

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We only had a handful of couples sign up for it out of the gate, but I believe that this

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is going to be a game changer for so many marriages out there, because as some of you

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are seeing, it really forces you to get vulnerable.

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This doesn't work if you don't get vulnerable, right?

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So it forces you to get vulnerable.

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It forces you to deal with things that have nothing to do with the marriage.

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You brought them in to the marriage.

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The marriage didn't create them.

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It didn't cause them.

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You already were carrying those things, and you brought them in with you.

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We talk about this in the original Heartwork, just for individuals.

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See David's back there somewhere.

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He has to teach men's tonight, so he's headed to teach a men's session right now.

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We are not at our home.

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We are in Utah right now, you guys, and so we're dealing with altitude, and we're dealing

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with dryness.

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I feel like the Crypt Keeper.

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I feel like my skin's just going to fall off.

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It's so dry here.

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I don't know how people live here.

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Lots of lotion.

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Lots of lotion.

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But in the original Heartwork for individuals, we talk about a story about when I went to

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a restaurant called Captain D's.

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Anyone know what Captain D's is?

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I don't even know if it's still around.

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I don't know if it still exists, but it was like a fried fish place.

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Does anyone remember Arthur Treacher's?

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Okay.

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Well, it was a ghetto version of that.

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Arthur Treacher's is like a five-star restaurant, I feel like, compared to Captain D's.

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But Captain D's was this really disgusting fast food fish restaurant, and when I was

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a young woman in my late teens, I had a boyfriend, and that boyfriend invited me to come and

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eat at Captain D's with his parents so that his parents could see me, talk to me, meet

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me.

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And his parents didn't like me.

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They thought that I was a bad influence, which I was.

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If we're just being completely honest, this is before Jesus.

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I was totally a bad influence, and there's a lot of reasons why they shouldn't have liked

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me.

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But we went to Captain D's, and after just a couple bites, I'd never had that kind of

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food.

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I'm not a seafood person.

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After a couple bites of food, I got very, very ill, very sick.

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I had to excuse myself, go to the bathroom, and then I didn't even come back to the table.

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And it was at the beginning of dinner, so I dipped out on these people.

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I went home, and I proceeded to be in bed for over a week.

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And I thought I had food poisoning.

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I thought that the old captain had poisoned me.

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And what really had happened is that I was working at a daycare.

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This was my college age years.

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I was working at a daycare, and there's this thing called the kitty crud.

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Basically, your immune system is trying to acclimate to all these germs and all these

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little children that you're around.

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And I had just started working there just a couple weeks before this happened, and I

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just got the flu.

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That's what it was.

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But because it coincided with the trigger was eating at Captain D's, I was blaming the

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trigger instead of what the trigger was triggering.

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Make sense?

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So for years, I was like, every time I would see Captain D's, I was driving down the road

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and I would see that I would just have a negative, almost visceral response to that restaurant.

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And you know, after I was a believer, God was just like, Hey, you know, it wasn't Captain

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D's that made you sick.

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Let's be reasonable for a minute.

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Why don't you think through this?

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And then, you know, I thought through it and I saw, yeah, it really wasn't Captain D's.

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The chances are that, you know, I really just had a virus.

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Like I was carrying the virus when I went into Captain D's.

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And so God really used that as a teaching lesson for me in ministry, because oftentimes

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we'll go into community, we'll go into a relationship, we'll go into a new job, we'll go into someplace

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where we haven't been before, and we will have a negative experience and we will blame

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that place instead of blame what we were carrying into the experience.

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We were already carrying offense.

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We were already carrying preconceived ideas.

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In chapter two of the heart work for couples book, you see that we talk about how you already

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have presets.

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You guys know the presets on the radio.

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If you push the button, it goes to a certain station.

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We have those, we have those inside of us.

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We have presets and they come from our origin family.

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Sometimes they come from, you know, just our ancestry.

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Things that we really can't even put a finger on.

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I'm in Utah right now in Salt Lake City and I went to, it's a very big, as you know, Mormon

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place.

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I think 68% of Utah is Mormons.

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They have a huge temple here in Salt Lake City because this is where Brigham Young founded

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the city basically.

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They have a big place called the Family Research Center.

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You can go into this place for free and the people there are on mission.

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They're Mormons that are on mission.

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They're serving others as part of their get into heaven plan.

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It's like it's state of the art.

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Tons and tons of computers and different floors for different searches.

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There's an international search floor.

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There's the main floor and you can go sit with a volunteer, with a missionary and they

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will help you track your family tree back 20 generations, 60 generations.

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You know, I mean you have to have some information like people's names and birthdates and stuff.

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Like I knew all the way up to my great grandparents, but then they were able to get me back 20

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generations from there because of the database that they've set up.

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I don't know those people.

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I had never even heard their names before seeing them there, but their lives affect

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me.

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What they did on their time on earth and what they passed down as far as belief systems,

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as far as presets, it affects me, right?

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It does.

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The only way that we're ever going to not be affected by things that we can't even explain

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or put our finger on is if we're willing to do this work.

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We're willing to allow Holy Spirit to show us where we have belief systems that have

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come from our ancestors and our past and insinuations that have been handed down, ways of thinking,

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ways of doing things that have been handed down.

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All of this affects you and it affects your relationships, whether your relationship is

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a romantic relationship like your marriage or whether it's a family relationship or a

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parent-child relationship or a friendship or a community relationship, your relationship

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with God, your relationship with yourself.

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That's what chapter two is beginning to dig into even more.

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How much of this is the marriage and how much of this is the programming that you brought

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to the relationship in the first place?

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I want to get into share time.

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You guys, there isn't currently instructions for part three because they somehow disappeared

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and Dave is trying to figure out where they went and so we will get those up as soon as

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we can.

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He's going to work on that as soon as he gets off his session, okay?

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So for those of you that are ready to go on to chapter three or part three, we want to

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make sure that you have what you need.

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All right.

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Okay, so I took some screenshots just so we can all stay on the same page tonight.

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I want to make sure we're getting some quality shares.

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Carla was vulnerable in the group, in the app and just said, hey, this work is bringing

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up a lot of conflict for me and Jeremy and here's the thing.

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It should, it should, it shouldn't, it shouldn't necessarily blow y'all out.

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If you're crashing out, then we've got to talk about that.

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But conflict is not bad.

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Conflict points to where the cracks are.

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We want to have healthy conflict.

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Conflict's important in relationship

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because what it's going to do, it's

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going to be revealing for healing, right?

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That's the point.

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And so it's OK for that to happen.

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In fact, I feel like, in fact, I write about that

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in this part two, this week two.

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If you guys notice, I write about that.

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Did you guys notice that?

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I don't know, Carla, if you and Jeremy have even made it

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that far in the reading.

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But I actually talk about how that is actually

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a sign, not of bad things, but of progress, of process.

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It's a sign of that.

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So I don't know if you guys even made it

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that far in week two of the materials.

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But if you did, you would see that that is part of it, OK?

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I got through the reading, but we

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couldn't get through together.

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Got it.

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OK.

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All right, so let's jump in.

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I'm going to go ahead and ask you questions.

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We'll go clockwise.

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So we'll start with Jim and Phyllis.

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They're at the top of my screen.

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Let's start with.

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All right, I want to start with.

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Well, we'll just start with your aha moments.

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But I really want to go through.

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We have a revealing for healing cycle

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that I do want to put that up in you guys' group,

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even though it's from the heart work for individuals.

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I want you to be able to see that.

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So like Jeremy and I were talking

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about on our last session, how you can trace back

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your reaction.

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You can go with the thing that's happening right now.

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And you can trace it back.

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And we want to be able to do that.

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But there's a different revealing for healing cycle

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in the heart work for couples.

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And it goes hope, this time will be different.

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Honeymoon, things are looking up.

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As soon as you kind of feel like you have a breakthrough

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with each other, then you go through a little honeymoon

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phase.

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We're like, oh, things are going good, right?

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Things are looking up.

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They're going good.

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And then someone gets triggered, which is going to happen,

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right, because there's bombs inside of us

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that we need to defuse before they blow up and go off.

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But instead of meeting that trigger with curiosity,

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and friends, you will know when you're healing when you start

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to meet triggers with curiosity.

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Why do I feel that way?

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Let me take my revealing for healing cycle

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and figure out where this is coming from instead

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of immediate blame, immediate fight or flight, freeze

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or fawn, OK?

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So it goes hope, this time will be different.

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Honeymoon, things are looking up.

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Trigger, here we go again.

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Anyone ever said that in any type of relationship,

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even not just this one?

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At work, in a community, you think things are getting better.

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You feel like you were really heard.

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You had a conversation with your boss.

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You felt like they really heard you.

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They heard what you need.

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And things are, you know, so you're happy.

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You're feeling hopeful at work.

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You're happy again.

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And then some crazy BS thing happens, just like before.

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You're like, here we go again.

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Lather, rinse, repeat.

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And then the shame sets in.

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When it's in relationship, the shame will set in.

248
00:13:21.040 --> 00:13:23.120
And this is a version of what you'll feel.

249
00:13:23.120 --> 00:13:26.280
We're never going to get this right.

250
00:13:26.280 --> 00:13:29.200
This is never going to change, right?

251
00:13:29.200 --> 00:13:31.360
And then what happens right after that feeling

252
00:13:31.360 --> 00:13:34.120
is usually some sort of self-protection.

253
00:13:34.120 --> 00:13:36.240
Whatever your self-preservation technique is,

254
00:13:36.240 --> 00:13:38.560
that's going to come into play.

255
00:13:38.560 --> 00:13:40.160
And what you're going to do is you're

256
00:13:40.160 --> 00:13:41.720
going to protect yourself.

257
00:13:41.720 --> 00:13:44.200
In the cycle, I put withdrawal.

258
00:13:44.200 --> 00:13:46.240
But for some people, it's not withdrawal, is it?

259
00:13:46.240 --> 00:13:47.360
Put on your boxing gloves.

260
00:13:47.360 --> 00:13:48.800
You're ready to go.

261
00:13:48.800 --> 00:13:50.560
And it doesn't matter what it is.

262
00:13:50.560 --> 00:13:55.280
But your reaction to that is, I'm going to protect myself.

263
00:13:55.280 --> 00:13:57.960
So you're going to fight, flight, fawn, or freeze,

264
00:13:57.960 --> 00:13:58.680
right there.

265
00:13:58.680 --> 00:14:00.840
And to answer Jeremy's question better about,

266
00:14:00.840 --> 00:14:03.280
I think it was Jeremy that asked, what's the fawning?

267
00:14:03.280 --> 00:14:06.480
Fawning is when you kind of kiss other people's butts.

268
00:14:06.480 --> 00:14:07.800
You're a people pleaser.

269
00:14:07.800 --> 00:14:09.840
You don't have good boundaries.

270
00:14:09.840 --> 00:14:12.400
You'll do anything to make the conflict go away.

271
00:14:12.400 --> 00:14:13.840
You'll just give them their way.

272
00:14:13.840 --> 00:14:17.640
You'll just do whatever they want, right?

273
00:14:17.640 --> 00:14:19.600
You just begin to flatter them or begin

274
00:14:19.600 --> 00:14:23.280
to try to diffuse, maybe even be funny.

275
00:14:23.280 --> 00:14:26.000
That could be a fawning.

276
00:14:26.000 --> 00:14:29.320
Just try to make them laugh and make them happy again.

277
00:14:29.320 --> 00:14:31.440
You just want everything to be peaceful and everyone

278
00:14:31.440 --> 00:14:32.440
to be happy.

279
00:14:32.440 --> 00:14:34.920
And so you become the person that's

280
00:14:34.920 --> 00:14:37.600
responsible for everyone's emotions

281
00:14:37.600 --> 00:14:40.000
in whatever that looks like, OK?

282
00:14:40.000 --> 00:14:42.720
All right, so starting with Jim and Phyllis,

283
00:14:42.720 --> 00:14:44.840
let's just go over, as you were going

284
00:14:44.840 --> 00:14:48.960
through the material for part two, what really stood out

285
00:14:48.960 --> 00:14:51.080
to you, what kind of aha moments you have,

286
00:14:51.080 --> 00:14:54.160
what kind of conflict maybe did you have?

287
00:14:54.160 --> 00:14:57.280
Did you get into a fight like Jeremy and Carla?

288
00:14:57.280 --> 00:14:59.000
What happened?

289
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:02.000
Go ahead and share it guys.

290
00:15:18.920 --> 00:15:24.400
Hey, you guys are muted. I know I'm I was trying to unmute myself to tell them they were muted.

291
00:15:26.320 --> 00:15:27.600
Sorry

292
00:15:27.600 --> 00:15:33.200
We'll see so last week Clayton was talking about leading but Phyllis took off on trust

293
00:15:33.200 --> 00:15:35.640
so I kind of followed her on the trust thing and

294
00:15:36.160 --> 00:15:40.280
Leading I struggle with that with Phyllis because I tell her all the time

295
00:15:42.120 --> 00:15:45.200
She's always asking me to lead but she doesn't want to be led

296
00:15:45.880 --> 00:15:49.800
And so we had a blowout the other day on on that subject

297
00:15:50.760 --> 00:15:52.760
you know, I

298
00:15:53.720 --> 00:15:55.720
Put on the boxing gloves right away

299
00:15:56.640 --> 00:15:58.640
And

300
00:15:58.680 --> 00:16:01.600
You know, it was over something stupid, you know

301
00:16:02.000 --> 00:16:07.040
it was we were cleaning the garage for the first time in 15 years probably and I

302
00:16:07.960 --> 00:16:15.240
Was in charge of taking things out and putting in certain piles and that it wasn't good enough or it wasn't in a wrong pile

303
00:16:15.240 --> 00:16:17.120
I guess and

304
00:16:17.120 --> 00:16:19.200
so that kind of got out of control, but

305
00:16:20.200 --> 00:16:22.200
but I

306
00:16:23.000 --> 00:16:26.720
Think yeah, we that was our blowout wasn't you know

307
00:16:28.440 --> 00:16:34.520
Okay, Phyllis what's your take on that this reminds me of that meme on the internet you guys where it's like a voiceover and

308
00:16:34.520 --> 00:16:36.080
the voiceover is

309
00:16:36.080 --> 00:16:41.720
Lead me but only lead me when I want to be led and I feel like being left. This is funny

310
00:16:42.600 --> 00:16:45.200
Okay. So Phyllis, what was your what was your take on that?

311
00:16:46.320 --> 00:16:48.320
well, I

312
00:16:48.800 --> 00:16:50.800
Think it was

313
00:16:51.800 --> 00:16:53.480
His

314
00:16:53.480 --> 00:17:01.560
Reaction was way more than it needed to be. I think that I mean we were cleaning out

315
00:17:02.960 --> 00:17:04.040
I

316
00:17:04.040 --> 00:17:06.680
Mean it was over. It was a box of nails

317
00:17:07.560 --> 00:17:10.960
Okay, I was looking you know, I look it was

318
00:17:11.839 --> 00:17:17.680
They took it out. They put it by the fence. I was just looking through it. Is this something that we're gonna need?

319
00:17:18.359 --> 00:17:23.040
He said no, I said, okay, but you know, it's like immediately

320
00:17:24.839 --> 00:17:26.839
He's mad and

321
00:17:27.319 --> 00:17:33.880
And then I can't you know, I'm like, okay, that's fine. Then leave it there. We don't need it

322
00:17:34.440 --> 00:17:36.440
okay, and I

323
00:17:38.120 --> 00:17:44.520
And then I can't and then we can't like get back on track and then we're doing other stuff is that you know

324
00:17:44.560 --> 00:17:49.440
It's like, okay, whatever whatever you decide whatever you decide so I'm like

325
00:17:50.880 --> 00:17:52.880
Whatever. I'm like, whatever. I

326
00:17:53.360 --> 00:17:58.040
Don't know. I just there's it's like at that point when I'm asking questions

327
00:17:58.040 --> 00:18:01.200
Is there other things that we need or should we get rid of?

328
00:18:01.200 --> 00:18:06.320
Is this something that you think will we could use or not use, you know?

329
00:18:06.320 --> 00:18:08.320
I

330
00:18:11.960 --> 00:18:13.960
Get like totally frustrated

331
00:18:13.960 --> 00:18:20.920
I mean, let me ask you guys a question. Did you guys see yourselves in the couple the example that I used in week two of

332
00:18:21.720 --> 00:18:24.760
Of the of the couple. Did you guys see yourself in that couple?

333
00:18:27.320 --> 00:18:28.880
Was

334
00:18:28.880 --> 00:18:30.880
in week two

335
00:18:31.000 --> 00:18:33.000
in

336
00:18:33.000 --> 00:18:39.200
Week two week two is reading. I know you guys have been in for a while and you guys have probably

337
00:18:40.200 --> 00:18:43.800
Just I we're just rereading it the angry wife

338
00:18:44.760 --> 00:18:49.440
Not the well, not the angry rife, but let's let's let's read it real quick you guys

339
00:18:50.760 --> 00:18:54.560
Okay, a couple who fought on repeat Amanda and Jay, okay

340
00:18:55.360 --> 00:19:01.800
They've got a ball man and Jay been married for a long time. Just FYI. They felt like they were incompatible

341
00:19:02.440 --> 00:19:08.160
Okay, but when they began to describe their arguments to me and it's reminding me of y'all's arguments right now

342
00:19:08.600 --> 00:19:15.240
Okay, it was very it was very clear that what was really happening is it was kind of the same thing over and over again

343
00:19:15.600 --> 00:19:17.240
where

344
00:19:17.240 --> 00:19:21.320
Where I don't know why this has been this is just this is like a total

345
00:19:22.120 --> 00:19:27.600
Gosh, that's a typo. Okay. Oh, you know what happened their names really are Ben and Laura in real life

346
00:19:27.600 --> 00:19:31.720
But I tried to change their names to Amanda and Jay and then I didn't change it all the way through

347
00:19:34.000 --> 00:19:39.980
Okay, nobody tell anybody okay, nobody tell anybody okay, but anyway, so

348
00:19:40.680 --> 00:19:42.680
So Ben, that's his real name

349
00:19:43.600 --> 00:19:51.240
He he would feel disrespected and then and but Laura would feel unheard and it wasn't about the fight was never about what the fight

350
00:19:51.240 --> 00:19:55.360
Was about it wasn't about cleaning a garage. It wasn't about nails. It wasn't about whatever

351
00:19:55.360 --> 00:19:59.680
Because what Ben's childhood was chaotic and you know

352
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:04.040
keeping things in order, like control, that made him feel good and safe.

353
00:20:04.240 --> 00:20:06.560
And Laura's childhood was very strict.

354
00:20:06.760 --> 00:20:08.160
She was kind of like spoken.

355
00:20:08.360 --> 00:20:11.600
I remember like, you know, just be quiet, only spoken,

356
00:20:11.600 --> 00:20:15.240
speak when you're spoken to kind of thing and control made her feel trapped.

357
00:20:15.440 --> 00:20:17.560
OK, so every time Ben tried to fix

358
00:20:17.760 --> 00:20:21.840
something, which he thought was kind of like in love, like what you're saying right

359
00:20:22.040 --> 00:20:27.240
now, Jim, with just leading, getting things done, kind of taking it off the plate.

360
00:20:27.440 --> 00:20:31.240
You know, she she felt controlled.

361
00:20:31.440 --> 00:20:35.360
And it just kind of lather and repeat over and over and over again.

362
00:20:35.560 --> 00:20:40.280
So the argument was not about ever about what it was about.

363
00:20:40.480 --> 00:20:42.640
It was just about

364
00:20:42.840 --> 00:20:45.160
feeling trapped, feeling controlled.

365
00:20:45.360 --> 00:20:49.880
And so I kind of see your situation like that in some ways

366
00:20:50.080 --> 00:20:53.800
where Jim is very practical, he's just trying to practically do things.

367
00:20:54.000 --> 00:20:55.360
But then maybe, Phyllis, you know,

368
00:20:55.360 --> 00:21:00.080
that makes you feel like you don't have a say or a voice or also just makes you

369
00:21:00.280 --> 00:21:06.000
feel just afraid to allow someone else that level of,

370
00:21:06.200 --> 00:21:09.840
you know, just kind of being on autopilot and allowing someone else to just kind of

371
00:21:10.040 --> 00:21:14.160
take the lead and not kind of micromanaging that because you're so used

372
00:21:14.360 --> 00:21:16.240
to being on your own.

373
00:21:18.800 --> 00:21:24.200
The will and also it's like, you know, that's

374
00:21:24.360 --> 00:21:25.880
just how it always was.

375
00:21:26.080 --> 00:21:30.280
You know, my mom is a throw it out, throw it out, throw it out.

376
00:21:30.480 --> 00:21:31.800
And so

377
00:21:32.440 --> 00:21:37.200
so there so like I felt like I was getting ganged up on with him and my mom.

378
00:21:37.400 --> 00:21:40.680
It's like, get rid of it, just get rid of it, get rid of it.

379
00:21:40.880 --> 00:21:42.760
I'm like, well, wait, wait a minute.

380
00:21:42.960 --> 00:21:46.480
OK, but the garage has the garage hasn't been the garage hasn't been cleaned out

381
00:21:46.680 --> 00:21:52.040
for 15 years. Is it like it's not a hoarder mess, though, is it?

382
00:21:52.240 --> 00:21:53.920
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

383
00:21:54.480 --> 00:21:55.560
Jim's laughing.

384
00:21:55.760 --> 00:21:57.120
You're saying no, no, no.

385
00:21:57.320 --> 00:21:58.200
But Jim's laughing.

386
00:21:58.400 --> 00:22:02.120
So, Jim, is it like a lot of junk that's been kept for no reason or what?

387
00:22:02.320 --> 00:22:04.680
So I worked in construction my whole life.

388
00:22:04.680 --> 00:22:06.880
Right. I know what nails are going to be used,

389
00:22:07.080 --> 00:22:08.920
screws, you know, metal plates.

390
00:22:09.120 --> 00:22:11.160
I keep things that we would use.

391
00:22:11.360 --> 00:22:16.400
These are items that have been under the bottom shelf of five shelves high.

392
00:22:16.600 --> 00:22:18.400
And not moved, I don't know,

393
00:22:18.400 --> 00:22:23.920
since they redid their house in 20 or 2004 or something like that.

394
00:22:24.120 --> 00:22:26.960
So it's probably been longer than 15 years.

395
00:22:27.160 --> 00:22:29.640
I would hope that she has faith in me,

396
00:22:29.840 --> 00:22:34.280
that I would not throw something away that we may use.

397
00:22:34.480 --> 00:22:38.480
In a year, right, even though it hasn't been used, this is the real argument.

398
00:22:38.680 --> 00:22:41.320
I want you to see it. OK, this is the real thing.

399
00:22:41.320 --> 00:22:43.560
It has nothing to do with the stupid box of nails.

400
00:22:43.760 --> 00:22:47.440
It's like my couple kept leaving the cap off the toothpaste.

401
00:22:47.600 --> 00:22:49.000
You know, it's not about that.

402
00:22:49.200 --> 00:22:50.640
OK, but here's the thing.

403
00:22:50.640 --> 00:22:53.240
So, Phyllis, I'm going to I'm going to help you as a wife, as a woman.

404
00:22:53.240 --> 00:22:54.360
I just want to tell you one thing.

405
00:22:54.560 --> 00:22:56.760
Men like to be used.

406
00:22:56.960 --> 00:22:58.360
They like to serve.

407
00:22:58.560 --> 00:22:59.960
They like to figure things out.

408
00:23:00.160 --> 00:23:03.240
They like to, you know,

409
00:23:03.440 --> 00:23:05.480
just like what he's saying, they like to fix things.

410
00:23:05.680 --> 00:23:07.560
They like to, you know,

411
00:23:07.760 --> 00:23:12.040
they like to to do things so that we don't have to worry about them,

412
00:23:12.240 --> 00:23:14.760
you know, in certain in certain ways.

413
00:23:14.960 --> 00:23:17.800
So all of us have opinions, especially

414
00:23:18.000 --> 00:23:21.360
people like you who have been single for a very, very, very long time

415
00:23:21.560 --> 00:23:24.960
and never really had anyone to do this kind of stuff for them.

416
00:23:25.160 --> 00:23:27.720
One thing that will have to happen here

417
00:23:27.920 --> 00:23:36.720
is you will have to surrender control to to Jim in certain areas.

418
00:23:36.920 --> 00:23:39.800
OK, like this one.

419
00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:41.800
And.

420
00:23:42.440 --> 00:23:44.320
If he does something that, you know,

421
00:23:44.520 --> 00:23:48.320
you wouldn't have done, who cares?

422
00:23:48.520 --> 00:23:49.920
You know, I can't tell you how many times

423
00:23:49.920 --> 00:23:54.200
in 18 years of marriage I've had to just say, hey, babe, that sounds good.

424
00:23:54.200 --> 00:23:55.480
You go ahead and figure it out.

425
00:23:55.480 --> 00:23:57.040
You just do whatever you think.

426
00:23:57.240 --> 00:23:58.880
And that makes him feel great.

427
00:23:59.080 --> 00:24:00.320
Now, he's not going to do it the way I

428
00:24:00.320 --> 00:24:03.680
would do it, and half the time he's doing things that I don't even know anything

429
00:24:03.680 --> 00:24:07.080
about anyway, I'd have to Google it to figure it out what I would do anyway.

430
00:24:07.280 --> 00:24:10.120
But I don't have to worry about the outcome

431
00:24:10.120 --> 00:24:14.440
of those things, because even if he does it wrong, it's still going to be right.

432
00:24:14.640 --> 00:24:16.520
Does that make sense?

433
00:24:16.720 --> 00:24:20.320
Even if he does it wrong, meaning like does it in a way that I

434
00:24:20.520 --> 00:24:23.320
think is wrong and I would have done it differently,

435
00:24:23.520 --> 00:24:28.400
that's still a win because he did it and he did it his way.

436
00:24:28.600 --> 00:24:33.800
And it it built this important thing called trust.

437
00:24:34.000 --> 00:24:38.280
Him knowing that I trust him with taking care of it, does that make sense?

438
00:24:38.360 --> 00:24:40.480
Yeah, yeah.

439
00:24:40.680 --> 00:24:43.320
So it's a box of nails.

440
00:24:43.520 --> 00:24:48.760
Now, when you go out and you're you're you're kind of supervising what mom,

441
00:24:48.960 --> 00:24:53.800
what your husband's doing in the garage and and second guessing, like, hey,

442
00:24:53.800 --> 00:24:56.280
why are we throwing this out? Are we going to need this?

443
00:24:56.480 --> 00:24:58.200
You know, it's a waste of your time.

444
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:05.120
It's redundant.

445
00:25:05.120 --> 00:25:09.960
We don't need two people doing that, right?

446
00:25:09.960 --> 00:25:10.960
Mm-hmm.

447
00:25:10.960 --> 00:25:18.080
I mean, I hear Phyllis's concern when she says she feels teamed up on, like her mom.

448
00:25:18.080 --> 00:25:23.840
Her mom is definitely in the kitchen, the pantry, the refrigerator.

449
00:25:23.840 --> 00:25:24.840
She looks at dates.

450
00:25:24.840 --> 00:25:26.480
Who invited mom here?

451
00:25:26.720 --> 00:25:27.720
She lives with us.

452
00:25:27.720 --> 00:25:28.720
My mom lives here.

453
00:25:28.720 --> 00:25:29.720
Lives with us.

454
00:25:29.720 --> 00:25:30.720
She's lived with Phyllis forever.

455
00:25:30.720 --> 00:25:31.720
Yes.

456
00:25:31.720 --> 00:25:32.720
Yeah.

457
00:25:32.720 --> 00:25:33.720
Yeah.

458
00:25:33.720 --> 00:25:34.720
She's a wonderful lady.

459
00:25:34.720 --> 00:25:35.720
Yeah.

460
00:25:35.720 --> 00:25:36.720
Right?

461
00:25:36.720 --> 00:25:37.720
We have no problems.

462
00:25:37.720 --> 00:25:38.720
But if...

463
00:25:38.720 --> 00:25:39.720
So that's how her mom is.

464
00:25:39.720 --> 00:25:46.720
She will throw things away according to dates, whether it's a day before or a day after.

465
00:25:46.720 --> 00:25:48.720
And I think Phyllis...

466
00:25:48.720 --> 00:25:53.720
I'm guessing, I'm not trying to really understand what she's thinking or put words in her mouth

467
00:25:53.960 --> 00:25:56.960
But I think that's where she has that fear that her mom and I are throwing things away.

468
00:25:56.960 --> 00:25:59.960
And that's not how it was when we were doing the garage.

469
00:25:59.960 --> 00:26:00.960
Right?

470
00:26:00.960 --> 00:26:01.960
I was pulling out the heavy stuff.

471
00:26:01.960 --> 00:26:02.960
Right?

472
00:26:02.960 --> 00:26:03.960
The box of nails are heavy.

473
00:26:03.960 --> 00:26:04.960
I pulled them out.

474
00:26:04.960 --> 00:26:05.960
Right?

475
00:26:05.960 --> 00:26:06.960
They pulled out all the Christmas stuff.

476
00:26:06.960 --> 00:26:07.960
Yeah.

477
00:26:07.960 --> 00:26:08.960
So...

478
00:26:08.960 --> 00:26:09.960
It is trust.

479
00:26:09.960 --> 00:26:10.960
That's what it comes down to, trust.

480
00:26:10.960 --> 00:26:11.960
Our whole situation has been trust.

481
00:26:11.960 --> 00:26:12.960
I think that's what started our original problem, was a trust problem between the house and

482
00:26:12.960 --> 00:26:13.960
the family.

483
00:26:13.960 --> 00:26:14.960
Right?

484
00:26:14.960 --> 00:26:15.960
Yeah.

485
00:26:15.960 --> 00:26:16.960
Yeah.

486
00:26:16.960 --> 00:26:17.960
Yeah.

487
00:26:17.960 --> 00:26:18.960
Yeah.

488
00:26:18.960 --> 00:26:19.960
Yeah.

489
00:26:19.960 --> 00:26:20.960
Yeah.

490
00:26:20.960 --> 00:26:21.960
Yeah.

491
00:26:21.960 --> 00:26:24.600
I think that was a trust problem between the two of us.

492
00:26:24.600 --> 00:26:25.600
Yeah.

493
00:26:25.600 --> 00:26:26.600
Right?

494
00:26:26.600 --> 00:26:27.600
And you guys...

495
00:26:27.600 --> 00:26:28.600
It takes time to build trust.

496
00:26:28.600 --> 00:26:29.600
But this is how we build trust.

497
00:26:29.600 --> 00:26:30.600
We've been working on that.

498
00:26:30.600 --> 00:26:31.600
This is how we build trust.

499
00:26:31.600 --> 00:26:32.600
We've been working on that.

500
00:26:32.600 --> 00:26:33.600
Yeah.

501
00:26:33.600 --> 00:26:38.880
You gotta allow people to do things their way in order to begin to build trust.

502
00:26:38.880 --> 00:26:42.800
You know, mom living with you, I think that's a lot of stress, honestly, Phyllis.

503
00:26:42.800 --> 00:26:46.700
And I'm not saying that mom can't live with you, but I'm saying if she's gonna live there,

504
00:26:46.700 --> 00:26:50.480
it doesn't sound like there's real good boundaries.

505
00:26:50.480 --> 00:26:57.320
So have you talked to mom about how the things that she...

506
00:26:57.320 --> 00:26:58.320
We treat it as...

507
00:26:58.320 --> 00:27:00.880
The three of us, we treat it kind of as roommates, right?

508
00:27:00.880 --> 00:27:02.040
Respect each other's areas.

509
00:27:02.040 --> 00:27:06.960
We respect each other's position on things.

510
00:27:06.960 --> 00:27:08.280
We talk things out.

511
00:27:08.280 --> 00:27:09.840
There's nothing that we don't talk out.

512
00:27:09.840 --> 00:27:10.840
We are.

513
00:27:10.840 --> 00:27:11.840
Right?

514
00:27:11.840 --> 00:27:12.840
Like we have...

515
00:27:12.840 --> 00:27:13.840
Phyllis and her mom have lived together for a long time.

516
00:27:13.840 --> 00:27:15.580
We have our private area.

517
00:27:15.580 --> 00:27:16.580
We live upstairs.

518
00:27:16.580 --> 00:27:19.160
My mom pretty much lives, is downstairs.

519
00:27:19.160 --> 00:27:20.160
Yeah.

520
00:27:20.840 --> 00:27:24.760
We eat to dinner almost every night together, breakfast.

521
00:27:24.760 --> 00:27:36.000
My mom's 82, so yeah, but I think, yeah, I think it's like more like roommates.

522
00:27:36.000 --> 00:27:38.680
Her mom and I, we get along great.

523
00:27:38.680 --> 00:27:41.760
I think that might be a feeling with Phyllis.

524
00:27:41.760 --> 00:27:45.760
We get along great, maybe too well, her mom and I, right?

525
00:27:45.760 --> 00:27:48.560
So that's why I think she feels that maybe we were...

526
00:27:48.560 --> 00:27:50.560
Big gang up on me.

527
00:27:50.560 --> 00:27:53.760
Coming together to decide what we wanted to throw away in the garage.

528
00:27:53.760 --> 00:27:55.520
And we let Phyllis go through everything.

529
00:27:55.520 --> 00:27:59.360
For me, it was stuff that was not used.

530
00:27:59.360 --> 00:28:00.360
Like I have a theory.

531
00:28:00.360 --> 00:28:03.760
If you ain't touched it in three years, you're probably not going to use it.

532
00:28:03.760 --> 00:28:06.080
Now that's probably wrong.

533
00:28:06.080 --> 00:28:12.360
That's how I look at things, unless it's tools, then it may be a different story.

534
00:28:12.360 --> 00:28:17.920
And I think that was probably the question on everything there.

535
00:28:17.920 --> 00:28:22.760
I think the bigger problem is the thing that Phyllis has actually said more than once in

536
00:28:22.760 --> 00:28:26.400
the last few minutes, and that is she feels ganged up on.

537
00:28:26.400 --> 00:28:32.680
And so Phyllis, once again, the virus was already in you before the marriage.

538
00:28:32.680 --> 00:28:40.120
And so feeling ganged up on, feeling like you don't have a voice, feeling controlled,

539
00:28:40.120 --> 00:28:41.320
that's from origin family.

540
00:28:41.320 --> 00:28:45.840
That's in your relationship with your mom before Jim ever got here.

541
00:28:45.840 --> 00:28:51.480
Now if Jim was not, I'm not saying not getting along with mom, but if Jim more stuck up with

542
00:28:51.480 --> 00:28:57.680
for you and kind of intervened in stuff mom was doing, I think that that would make you

543
00:28:57.680 --> 00:28:58.680
feel differently.

544
00:28:58.680 --> 00:28:59.680
And I'm not saying he should do that.

545
00:28:59.680 --> 00:29:04.880
I'm just saying the fact that they get along, the fact that they may think alike in some

546
00:29:04.880 --> 00:29:05.880
other ways.

547
00:29:05.880 --> 00:29:10.160
I think that that is really what is making you feel unsafe.

548
00:29:10.240 --> 00:29:14.240
Do I want to stick up for you when it comes to between a conversation with your mom?

549
00:29:14.240 --> 00:29:17.720
This is already inside of you.

550
00:29:17.720 --> 00:29:18.840
This is already inside of you.

551
00:29:18.840 --> 00:29:20.320
This doesn't have to do with Jim.

552
00:29:20.320 --> 00:29:21.320
Okay.

553
00:29:21.320 --> 00:29:22.320
Right.

554
00:29:22.320 --> 00:29:23.320
All right.

555
00:29:23.320 --> 00:29:30.360
So you have to deal, you have to deal, listen, you have to deal with unresolved stuff with

556
00:29:30.360 --> 00:29:31.360
mom.

557
00:29:31.360 --> 00:29:32.360
Yeah.

558
00:29:32.360 --> 00:29:33.360
Yeah.

559
00:29:33.360 --> 00:29:34.360
Okay.

560
00:29:34.360 --> 00:29:35.360
That's important.

561
00:29:35.360 --> 00:29:36.360
Yep.

562
00:29:36.360 --> 00:29:39.360
You got to deal with that.

563
00:29:39.560 --> 00:29:40.560
Yep.

564
00:29:40.560 --> 00:29:45.040
And you can, it doesn't mean you don't like your mom, doesn't mean you don't love your

565
00:29:45.040 --> 00:29:46.040
mom.

566
00:29:46.040 --> 00:29:47.040
Right.

567
00:29:47.040 --> 00:29:48.040
Right.

568
00:29:48.040 --> 00:29:51.080
All those times when you felt belittled by your dad and scared of your dad, guess who

569
00:29:51.080 --> 00:29:55.400
wasn't coming to your aid, mom.

570
00:29:55.400 --> 00:30:00.000
You know, there's some stuff going on there because you, you felt very afraid.

571
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:09.480
of your dad, you felt a lot of things growing up in your family and was there. And so that's

572
00:30:09.480 --> 00:30:16.520
stuff that you have to, you're going to have to work through that. Okay. And this dynamic

573
00:30:16.520 --> 00:30:24.600
with Jim in the house now is bringing some of this stuff to the surface, right? Okay.

574
00:30:24.600 --> 00:30:30.200
So you know what you can do that worksheet, that's part of week two, you guys, the shadow

575
00:30:30.200 --> 00:30:34.440
work, the shadow work, the thing that we want to bring into the light. This isn't going

576
00:30:34.440 --> 00:30:38.480
to want to let you know that worksheet isn't about necessarily what you want to bring into

577
00:30:38.480 --> 00:30:43.360
the light about your partnership. It can be what Phyllis needs to bring into the light

578
00:30:43.360 --> 00:30:50.160
about mom and about the dynamic that she's had with her mom since she was a little girl.

579
00:30:50.160 --> 00:30:53.860
Cause you know what we learned to do when we love people. And especially we have to

580
00:30:53.860 --> 00:30:59.620
cohabitate. We just learn how to get along. But deep inside, we still feel unsafe deep

581
00:30:59.620 --> 00:31:03.700
inside. We still feel unheard, but we just learn how to get along because we don't want

582
00:31:03.700 --> 00:31:06.580
to fuss and we don't want to fight. And I can tell that Phyllis is a key as a peace

583
00:31:06.580 --> 00:31:13.660
keeper, you know? So she's more of a fawn or maybe where she's just like, okay, I don't

584
00:31:13.660 --> 00:31:18.580
want anyone to be upset at me. So what I want you to do with that worksheet, Phyllis, is

585
00:31:18.580 --> 00:31:23.580
I want you to bring into the light, the things that you need someone to hear about your childhood

586
00:31:23.580 --> 00:31:29.100
and Jim will be the person that will be willing to hear that stuff. It's not disloyal for

587
00:31:29.100 --> 00:31:34.260
you to say things about your mom and about how you feel and how you might feel, you know,

588
00:31:34.260 --> 00:31:41.460
like you're not just unheard, but you know like she doesn't care about what you want

589
00:31:41.460 --> 00:31:47.340
or what you think about the food in the fridge is thrown away. Okay. It doesn't matter how

590
00:31:47.340 --> 00:31:53.300
small it is. You guys, it's a deeper thing. Do you understand? Okay. So let's use that.

591
00:31:54.020 --> 00:31:57.660
Worksheet to do that. And Phyllis, I want you to really trust your husband and share

592
00:31:57.660 --> 00:32:03.020
stuff maybe that you've never shared with anyone. You first have to get in touch with

593
00:32:03.020 --> 00:32:12.900
those feelings inside of you, but I think that you can, cause this is not about Nance.

594
00:32:12.900 --> 00:32:22.200
Right. And it's not even about your husband cleaning out the garage. It's about you feeling

595
00:32:22.200 --> 00:32:28.340
like you didn't have a say before and now you doubly don't. And so let's get to the

596
00:32:28.340 --> 00:32:36.420
root of that. Seriously, friends, I want you to see something really important. When Phyllis

597
00:32:36.420 --> 00:32:42.940
was growing up, it was mom. Mom was there, but then dad was there. Right. And that combination,

598
00:32:42.940 --> 00:32:48.300
that male and female combination of mom and dad, Phyllis did not get her needs met. Now

599
00:32:48.320 --> 00:32:52.280
there's a male and female combination in Phyllis's life again. It's not dad, it's Jim,

600
00:32:52.280 --> 00:32:58.960
but it's still mom and Jim. Do you see what I'm saying? It's still, mom is still there. And now

601
00:32:58.960 --> 00:33:03.780
there's a man there and Phyllis. And so it's important, even though this was her husband and

602
00:33:03.780 --> 00:33:10.400
not her father, that she deals with the stuff that happened in origin family. There's presets

603
00:33:10.400 --> 00:33:17.280
there. Cause we don't want to project that onto Jim. And we don't want to project that onto mom

604
00:33:17.380 --> 00:33:24.660
and Jim because it's not mom and dad. And we want to, and we want to really release the stuff that

605
00:33:24.660 --> 00:33:29.420
we have going on in our heart towards mom. Cause like you said, she's elderly, you love her. You're

606
00:33:29.420 --> 00:33:34.380
not going to get rid of her. So you got to learn how to not just get along with her and live with

607
00:33:34.380 --> 00:33:40.620
her and just kind of keep the peace, but how to really enjoy your life in your own home and feel

608
00:33:40.620 --> 00:33:45.660
like you have a voice and feel like, you know, things are being done the way you want them to be

609
00:33:45.660 --> 00:33:55.200
done too. Because you matter to Phyllis. Okay. Yep. And Jim, I really believe that you're going to

610
00:33:55.240 --> 00:33:59.920
really be able to hear Phyllis's heart when she does that worksheet about mom.

611
00:34:01.200 --> 00:34:08.320
Yeah. Phyllis has gotten a lot better at opening up so much better than a year ago.

612
00:34:09.020 --> 00:34:17.659
Yeah, she has. Yep. Yay. All right, guys. Um, that's good. Okay. We're going to do more shares. Uh, let's

613
00:34:17.659 --> 00:34:21.500
get through, let's get through some shares you guys. So, cause I, there's several other things I want to

614
00:34:21.500 --> 00:34:28.500
ask all the couples about, um, that were a part of, of this part two, this week two, part two, there's four

615
00:34:28.500 --> 00:34:33.260
parts and we're in part two right now, or at least this is a live coaching for it. Right. So next on my

616
00:34:33.280 --> 00:34:39.760
screen would be Chuck. Um, you guys didn't get to go last time. So just any kind of aha's you had from one

617
00:34:39.760 --> 00:34:46.400
week, one or two, um, any sort of revealings, anything you guys, this is Chuck and Millie, if you

618
00:34:46.400 --> 00:34:47.520
haven't met them before.

619
00:34:48.440 --> 00:34:53.400
And I would change it to Chuck and Millie, but honestly, I didn't think about it at first. And now

620
00:34:53.400 --> 00:34:58.720
that we're doing this, I have no clue how to change it. So I'll do better before week three.

621
00:34:59.040 --> 00:34:59.480
Okay.

622
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:02.880
We're learning, we're still learning a lot. It's been a

623
00:35:02.880 --> 00:35:08.080
year. And yeah, this was definitely an eye opening week.

624
00:35:08.640 --> 00:35:13.360
As far as I didn't realize, as he pointed out, I come home

625
00:35:13.360 --> 00:35:19.120
sometimes totally exhausted. And maybe just to avoid conflict, I

626
00:35:19.120 --> 00:35:23.760
would withdraw, I would go do whatever chores, whatever I had

627
00:35:23.760 --> 00:35:28.080
to do. And I wouldn't talk, which would then spike him to

628
00:35:28.080 --> 00:35:31.120
get angry. And then he'd go out for a walk. And I'm like, okay,

629
00:35:31.120 --> 00:35:34.400
he's not coming after me to figure out what's wrong. He's

630
00:35:34.400 --> 00:35:38.800
just going off to walk off anger. So we don't have any

631
00:35:38.800 --> 00:35:43.760
conflict. We're not very good with conflict. We have ways to

632
00:35:43.760 --> 00:35:48.160
go to be able to say what we really mean. But this really

633
00:35:48.160 --> 00:35:52.960
opened up the conversation last night. It was last night.

634
00:35:52.960 --> 00:35:54.640
Yeah, we worked on it yesterday.

635
00:35:54.640 --> 00:35:58.080
Yeah, still processing. But now I see it in a different light.

636
00:35:58.080 --> 00:36:02.000
What he was interpreting was nowhere near to what I was

637
00:36:02.000 --> 00:36:05.840
trying to achieve, and vice versa. So it's it's the

638
00:36:05.840 --> 00:36:07.120
beginning of something new.

639
00:36:08.080 --> 00:36:08.560
That's good.

640
00:36:10.960 --> 00:36:14.320
Oftentimes, we're not thinking the same things. And it's bad to

641
00:36:14.320 --> 00:36:19.280
assume. Now, you guys, you were long distance before you got

642
00:36:19.280 --> 00:36:22.160
married, right? And Chuck moved to be in your area. Is that

643
00:36:22.160 --> 00:36:24.960
right? Because I have a lot of couples to remember things

644
00:36:24.960 --> 00:36:29.440
about. So but I do remember that you guys moved and you guys

645
00:36:29.440 --> 00:36:34.080
married pretty quickly after. How long did you were you in a

646
00:36:34.080 --> 00:36:39.600
courtship for six months? Yeah. Okay. So it's fair to say that

647
00:36:39.600 --> 00:36:43.200
you're really getting to know each other. Now in this first

648
00:36:43.200 --> 00:36:44.240
year of marriage, right?

649
00:36:45.360 --> 00:36:48.880
And also, we kept changing stuff. Like you said, it was a

650
00:36:48.880 --> 00:36:54.720
quick dating report ship. And then I move into home number

651
00:36:54.720 --> 00:36:59.200
one. And then I don't even know if we made it six months there,

652
00:36:59.200 --> 00:37:02.800
maybe. And all of a sudden, I'm told, hey, we're going to go

653
00:37:02.800 --> 00:37:06.960
look for our own home. And it's like, I hope I stopped moving

654
00:37:06.960 --> 00:37:10.880
at some point. And I'm told I'm not going to move anymore. I'm

655
00:37:10.880 --> 00:37:11.440
counting on

656
00:37:11.440 --> 00:37:14.160
a lot of changes. So a lot of changes in the last year and a

657
00:37:14.160 --> 00:37:18.080
half for you guys. Yes, a lot. Yeah. That could be stressors

658
00:37:18.080 --> 00:37:22.960
just on its own. So okay, so getting on the same page, you

659
00:37:22.960 --> 00:37:25.520
guys, listen, no one's a mind reader. What I love about what

660
00:37:25.520 --> 00:37:29.120
Millie just said is that, you know, oftentimes, we're just

661
00:37:29.120 --> 00:37:32.160
assuming that we know what the other person is thinking or

662
00:37:32.160 --> 00:37:37.280
what is behind their actions or behaviors. And then, you know,

663
00:37:37.280 --> 00:37:43.040
because we think we know, we react to them, according to

664
00:37:43.040 --> 00:37:46.720
what we think. And the problem with that is that, you know,

665
00:37:46.720 --> 00:37:49.840
unless we really ask them, and they are vulnerable enough to

666
00:37:49.840 --> 00:37:53.040
really tell the truth and share, we're never going to know.

667
00:37:55.040 --> 00:37:58.480
And sometimes people don't know what's behind their behavior as

668
00:37:58.480 --> 00:38:01.520
well. And so being willing to get to the root of it is why

669
00:38:01.520 --> 00:38:05.040
we're all here. Right. And I think from my perspective, it

670
00:38:05.040 --> 00:38:11.040
wasn't even just I'm getting angry about it. It was I get to

671
00:38:11.040 --> 00:38:14.480
work remotely. I don't like to call it working from home,

672
00:38:14.480 --> 00:38:17.920
because it sounds like I'm on a vacation. I work remotely.

673
00:38:17.920 --> 00:38:23.440
Yeah. And I worked, I asked for that for a long time. And then

674
00:38:23.440 --> 00:38:27.040
there was a global circumstance. And now I get to just work, I

675
00:38:27.040 --> 00:38:29.680
can work right from a home office. And it's wonderful.

676
00:38:29.680 --> 00:38:33.840
It's, it's exactly what I need to do, instead of driving long

677
00:38:33.840 --> 00:38:38.000
distances and going to work, but the Millie used to be able to

678
00:38:38.000 --> 00:38:42.080
work in her home, and then circumstances changed. And now

679
00:38:42.080 --> 00:38:45.760
she's out of the home working all the time. And she loves what

680
00:38:45.760 --> 00:38:50.080
she does. And it's very valuable, and useful to use that

681
00:38:50.080 --> 00:38:55.040
word, because I love that word. But um, but it means I'm the

682
00:38:55.040 --> 00:38:58.080
one staying at home, and she's out there. And she would come

683
00:38:58.080 --> 00:39:02.720
home and say, man, I'm so happy to finally get to be home. But

684
00:39:03.360 --> 00:39:08.400
that's not the way she was acting. And it wasn't even me

685
00:39:08.480 --> 00:39:13.280
just leaving because I was angry about it. I couldn't be around

686
00:39:13.280 --> 00:39:19.520
it. Like maybe I had a really good day. And now this cloud has

687
00:39:19.520 --> 00:39:22.800
come home. And she doesn't know what to do with all this

688
00:39:22.800 --> 00:39:25.920
negative. She's happy she's home, but she's full of negative

689
00:39:25.920 --> 00:39:29.680
energy, too. And I'm just saying, you know, Chuck just

690
00:39:29.680 --> 00:39:32.640
needs to step outside here for a second, I need to get away from

691
00:39:32.640 --> 00:39:35.760
this for just a moment, because it's I don't know what to do

692
00:39:35.760 --> 00:39:39.840
with it. It's too much. So it's a little bit like the first

693
00:39:39.840 --> 00:39:44.400
conversation, it's sort of figuring out how are you really

694
00:39:44.400 --> 00:39:50.400
feeling? And do you just need to come home and say, I need to

695
00:39:50.400 --> 00:39:53.760
get this off my let's, let's blow through this right now.

696
00:39:53.760 --> 00:39:57.520
Here's what's bothering me. Let's get it done now. So we can

697
00:39:57.520 --> 00:39:59.840
enjoy the rest of the evening instead of letting it

698
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:07.680
stew for a while, not even fix it. I just, I'm exhausted and I just wanted to share,

699
00:40:08.480 --> 00:40:15.760
but yes, but it's also, sometimes we're not sharing and I just don't know what's going on.

700
00:40:15.760 --> 00:40:22.000
Let me ask you, Millie, not that this is in any way, shape or form Chuck's fault because it's not,

701
00:40:22.720 --> 00:40:28.800
but is there any part of you that resents him getting to stay home and you having to go out

702
00:40:29.760 --> 00:40:36.640
into the rat race every day? A little bit. Yeah. I've done it for 35 years, but I've chosen,

703
00:40:36.640 --> 00:40:45.280
well, God has led me to a whole new career at the age of 59, 58, 59. And I do love it.

704
00:40:45.280 --> 00:40:52.080
It's like doing ministry and getting paid for it. That's great. I don't get to enjoy our house.

705
00:40:52.080 --> 00:41:00.160
I'm never here. And it was worse on move number one, because we're in a one story home now,

706
00:41:00.160 --> 00:41:06.480
but we were in her town home. This is the home that she had for 10 years. And suddenly you

707
00:41:06.480 --> 00:41:12.720
interject me. And not only do you put me into this, but I took her desk over because that was

708
00:41:12.720 --> 00:41:17.200
the only place I could work. I couldn't do it upstairs because my dog can't go up and down

709
00:41:17.200 --> 00:41:23.520
the stairs. So every day she had to see me at the desk she used to work at. And now because of that,

710
00:41:23.520 --> 00:41:32.880
I took over the whole first floor. Yes. It was not, it was not unclear at all that both her and

711
00:41:32.880 --> 00:41:38.080
her daughter wasn't really happy with me at that point. It's like, what, what is he doing? He's

712
00:41:38.080 --> 00:41:43.200
taken over half the house. He took mom's desk. And I got that. It was like, I don't have anywhere else

713
00:41:43.200 --> 00:41:50.160
to do it. So we're better here because you can put me in my office right over here. My little

714
00:41:50.160 --> 00:41:56.880
corner doesn't come out into the home, but also you, you can enjoy the rest of the home while

715
00:41:56.880 --> 00:42:03.360
I'm doing stuff. I haven't, I can shut and all that, you know? Well, you know, when, when my

716
00:42:03.360 --> 00:42:09.200
kids were, my kids were young and they would come home from being out in the world all day at public

717
00:42:09.200 --> 00:42:14.080
school, you know, and like I, like Millie said, she loves what she does, but let's face it being

718
00:42:14.080 --> 00:42:18.720
out, especially with the kind of job, it sounds like you have, you know, there's a lot of sliming

719
00:42:18.720 --> 00:42:24.640
going on out there. And when the kids would come home, it'd be important for them to have a routine

720
00:42:24.640 --> 00:42:29.120
where, you know, part of the routine was they would go get in, they would go take a shower,

721
00:42:30.000 --> 00:42:35.680
you know, to kind of wash all the germs of school and all the crud and all the stuff off.

722
00:42:35.680 --> 00:42:39.840
And they would be able to, you know, um, especially if they were in for the night,

723
00:42:39.840 --> 00:42:44.080
if it was, if it was winter time and there was no playing outside going to happen, it was already

724
00:42:44.080 --> 00:42:48.800
getting dark, you know, kind of thing, but just having some kind of routine Millie for yourself,

725
00:42:48.800 --> 00:42:53.040
where, you know, coming home, you know, he's been home all day, like a golden retriever,

726
00:42:53.040 --> 00:42:58.000
waiting for you to come home, you know, excited to see your face, you know, and you come home

727
00:42:58.000 --> 00:43:04.400
and you got the weight of this, this life, this other life on you, you know, coming together and

728
00:43:04.400 --> 00:43:09.280
having some sort of understanding and some sort of routine where you can kind of wash all that off.

729
00:43:10.320 --> 00:43:16.640
And, and you Chuck being able to understand, and then also being able to come into connection,

730
00:43:17.680 --> 00:43:22.560
because you've gone from each other all day long. And, and, you know, it seems like Chuck has kind

731
00:43:22.560 --> 00:43:30.320
of a very, like, positive sort of personality and wanting to, you know, connect. And I think that I

732
00:43:30.320 --> 00:43:36.240
think that having some sort of coming home routine, while you, while you're, while you're

733
00:43:36.240 --> 00:43:41.600
doing this, you're not going to do this forever, Millie. Right. And I think that because you want

734
00:43:41.600 --> 00:43:47.280
to be at home more at 59 years old, I think that you should start working towards what is that

735
00:43:47.280 --> 00:43:53.440
going to look like? That's the goal for this year. Exactly. That's something that came up. So doing

736
00:43:53.440 --> 00:44:02.800
this, these chapters in the worksheet is how can we not just have a goal of, let's grow this,

737
00:44:02.800 --> 00:44:09.040
let's have other people participate in doing it. Millie's more of watching over other people doing

738
00:44:09.040 --> 00:44:17.040
it because while we're not old, we're not getting any younger and it is taxing. Yeah. Any of this

739
00:44:17.040 --> 00:44:24.480
stuff is getting harder, but what's the, what are the processes to get there? And we, and it wasn't

740
00:44:24.480 --> 00:44:32.080
fun, but we talked through that where it's like, maybe Chuck can look at some of the numbers in

741
00:44:32.080 --> 00:44:37.760
and numbers out and all that. If I'm already sitting on my butt in front of laptops all day,

742
00:44:37.760 --> 00:44:43.680
why not throw me another thing to do that? I understand what, how to do it already and load

743
00:44:43.680 --> 00:44:50.480
off of her, but then talk about the vulnerable thing. It's been months of fear to even get to

744
00:44:50.480 --> 00:44:56.160
this. Right. Because it's making us talk about it. Right. We have to talk about it. That's great.

745
00:44:56.160 --> 00:44:59.760
She didn't, she was concerned. What am I going to think when we

746
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:02.680
see the real numbers.

747
00:45:02.680 --> 00:45:07.000
And my answer was, it'll be okay either way.

748
00:45:07.000 --> 00:45:10.080
It's the not knowing what the real numbers are

749
00:45:10.080 --> 00:45:13.560
that's causing aggravation for both of us.

750
00:45:13.560 --> 00:45:17.240
If the real number is whatever number we think it is,

751
00:45:17.240 --> 00:45:20.840
if it's bigger or smaller, it's the real number

752
00:45:20.840 --> 00:45:22.000
and that's okay.

753
00:45:22.000 --> 00:45:24.360
If it's too small, we make it bigger.

754
00:45:24.360 --> 00:45:26.320
I don't think it can be too big,

755
00:45:26.320 --> 00:45:29.160
but we need to know what the reality of it is

756
00:45:29.200 --> 00:45:30.520
before we make the next step.

757
00:45:30.520 --> 00:45:31.880
So this is the thing that you guys

758
00:45:31.880 --> 00:45:33.680
brought out of the dark into the light.

759
00:45:33.680 --> 00:45:35.040
Yes, that was that part.

760
00:45:35.040 --> 00:45:37.520
It's amazing, I love it, that's great.

761
00:45:37.520 --> 00:45:38.760
And there's some practical things

762
00:45:38.760 --> 00:45:39.960
that you guys can do as well

763
00:45:39.960 --> 00:45:42.240
while you guys are navigating

764
00:45:42.240 --> 00:45:43.920
what this change will look like this year.

765
00:45:43.920 --> 00:45:46.040
How much money do we need to make to retire Millie

766
00:45:46.040 --> 00:45:48.320
or to put her in a supervisory role

767
00:45:48.320 --> 00:45:51.400
and what she's doing and what does this look like?

768
00:45:51.400 --> 00:45:53.080
You can also do some practical stuff

769
00:45:53.080 --> 00:45:55.120
of like maybe getting dinner started

770
00:45:55.120 --> 00:45:58.280
or let there be some things that Chuck can do

771
00:45:58.280 --> 00:46:01.160
because he's home, he's boots on the ground at home,

772
00:46:01.160 --> 00:46:04.040
some things he can do that when you come home,

773
00:46:04.040 --> 00:46:08.280
you can more easily acclimate into your personal life

774
00:46:08.280 --> 00:46:10.800
leaving all this stuff out here, right?

775
00:46:10.800 --> 00:46:13.240
Yes, and you won't be amazed

776
00:46:13.240 --> 00:46:14.400
because you do this for a living,

777
00:46:14.400 --> 00:46:18.080
but it is kind of amazing how even that can be hard

778
00:46:18.080 --> 00:46:20.840
because for instance, when I was just me

779
00:46:20.840 --> 00:46:23.800
and even me with my prior wife

780
00:46:23.800 --> 00:46:25.960
because of the state she was in,

781
00:46:25.960 --> 00:46:28.240
I would do a lot of the cooking

782
00:46:29.080 --> 00:46:30.720
and the clothes washing and the whatever.

783
00:46:30.720 --> 00:46:31.560
Yeah.

784
00:46:31.560 --> 00:46:33.320
And Millie is so used to doing that for herself

785
00:46:33.320 --> 00:46:35.640
that she'll be totally exhausted,

786
00:46:35.640 --> 00:46:38.200
but she still has to keep doing that

787
00:46:38.200 --> 00:46:42.520
instead of saying, could you do that?

788
00:46:42.520 --> 00:46:46.360
Oh yes, Millie, you must end that immediately.

789
00:46:46.360 --> 00:46:47.920
But the other side of the coin is,

790
00:46:47.920 --> 00:46:49.880
and it's kind of like what Jim and Phyllis

791
00:46:49.880 --> 00:46:50.960
were talking about,

792
00:46:50.960 --> 00:46:53.360
you then have to trust me to do that

793
00:46:53.360 --> 00:46:56.120
because I don't wash clothes like she washes clothes

794
00:46:56.120 --> 00:46:59.800
because I wasn't a guy looking for,

795
00:46:59.800 --> 00:47:01.720
I wasn't looking to marry my mom.

796
00:47:01.720 --> 00:47:04.520
I don't need somebody to do all these things for me.

797
00:47:04.520 --> 00:47:06.880
I know how to wash clothes and cook food and all that,

798
00:47:06.880 --> 00:47:09.560
but it's the way I want to do it.

799
00:47:09.560 --> 00:47:12.480
So we have to learn to accept like meet in the middle

800
00:47:12.480 --> 00:47:13.960
or accept the difference.

801
00:47:13.960 --> 00:47:15.280
And that's not easy either.

802
00:47:15.280 --> 00:47:16.120
Yeah.

803
00:47:16.120 --> 00:47:17.120
It's been a learning curve.

804
00:47:17.120 --> 00:47:17.960
Yeah.

805
00:47:17.960 --> 00:47:19.360
Yeah, and you guys, there could be deal breakers.

806
00:47:19.360 --> 00:47:20.680
Like take laundry, for instance,

807
00:47:20.680 --> 00:47:24.240
David oftentimes will do the laundry at our house.

808
00:47:24.240 --> 00:47:26.720
I have lots of garments that just don't simply,

809
00:47:26.720 --> 00:47:28.080
cannot be dried.

810
00:47:28.080 --> 00:47:29.560
They don't have a dryer.

811
00:47:29.560 --> 00:47:31.840
And he knows which ones those are now.

812
00:47:33.680 --> 00:47:35.600
If he has a question about it, he'll say,

813
00:47:35.600 --> 00:47:37.480
hey babe, is this something that goes in the dryer?

814
00:47:37.480 --> 00:47:38.520
And I'll be like, no.

815
00:47:38.520 --> 00:47:39.680
And then he'll, you know,

816
00:47:39.680 --> 00:47:42.680
we have a thing in our house where we hang up clothes to dry.

817
00:47:43.840 --> 00:47:45.080
They can learn ladies,

818
00:47:45.080 --> 00:47:47.760
if they take on any chores that usually were considered

819
00:47:47.760 --> 00:47:50.200
female chores back in the day,

820
00:47:50.200 --> 00:47:52.400
they definitely can learn for sure.

821
00:47:52.400 --> 00:47:53.760
Very capable.

822
00:47:54.200 --> 00:47:56.120
Bras didn't go in the dryer,

823
00:47:56.120 --> 00:47:59.080
but I purposely don't buy shirts

824
00:47:59.080 --> 00:48:00.640
that can't go in the dryer.

825
00:48:00.640 --> 00:48:01.480
Of course not.

826
00:48:01.480 --> 00:48:02.320
You're a man.

827
00:48:02.320 --> 00:48:03.400
Why would you do that?

828
00:48:03.400 --> 00:48:04.680
I don't even want to iron stuff.

829
00:48:04.680 --> 00:48:07.280
That seems like a waste of resources,

830
00:48:07.280 --> 00:48:09.280
but she's got things that must hang up.

831
00:48:09.280 --> 00:48:11.800
So I'm slowly learning like, oh, nope.

832
00:48:11.800 --> 00:48:13.400
That's the thing that gets hung up.

833
00:48:13.400 --> 00:48:17.320
Or she'll tell me ahead of time that that's in the washer.

834
00:48:17.320 --> 00:48:18.880
Don't put it in the dryer.

835
00:48:18.880 --> 00:48:21.880
Yes, we actually can pick, you know, we're simple.

836
00:48:21.880 --> 00:48:22.960
I heard that.

837
00:48:23.000 --> 00:48:24.880
We do understand stuff.

838
00:48:24.880 --> 00:48:25.720
I love it.

839
00:48:26.680 --> 00:48:28.120
Well, it sounds like you guys are on a good,

840
00:48:28.120 --> 00:48:29.360
on a good track right now.

841
00:48:29.360 --> 00:48:30.480
So I'm excited.

842
00:48:30.480 --> 00:48:32.040
And you guys, just so you know,

843
00:48:32.040 --> 00:48:33.200
in Heartwork for Couples,

844
00:48:33.200 --> 00:48:35.760
not every week is going to be a pulling back, revealing.

845
00:48:35.760 --> 00:48:37.560
We're going to get to a place where we're actually building.

846
00:48:37.560 --> 00:48:39.560
Right now, we're kind of tearing down a little bit,

847
00:48:39.560 --> 00:48:40.600
but in the last two weeks,

848
00:48:40.600 --> 00:48:42.680
we're going to start building up three and four,

849
00:48:42.680 --> 00:48:43.800
week three and four.

850
00:48:43.800 --> 00:48:46.480
So please don't think that this is all going to be about,

851
00:48:46.480 --> 00:48:49.240
blah, you know, just all the stuff inside.

852
00:48:49.240 --> 00:48:50.640
Cause that's not the case.

853
00:48:50.640 --> 00:48:52.440
All right, we're going to go ahead and move on to Stacey.

854
00:48:52.960 --> 00:48:54.360
Clayton's not here tonight, it doesn't seem,

855
00:48:54.360 --> 00:48:55.440
but Stacey is.

856
00:48:55.440 --> 00:48:57.960
And if she is, there she is.

857
00:48:57.960 --> 00:48:59.960
Stacey, have you guys had any,

858
00:48:59.960 --> 00:49:02.160
have you guys had any, you know,

859
00:49:02.160 --> 00:49:03.840
any sort of aha moments?

860
00:49:03.840 --> 00:49:05.480
You know, tell us, you know,

861
00:49:05.480 --> 00:49:07.400
what was your experience with the worksheet

862
00:49:07.400 --> 00:49:08.840
or any of the activations?

863
00:49:10.080 --> 00:49:15.080
So I would say that the aha moment for me is that,

864
00:49:17.160 --> 00:49:21.360
you know, I very much want to help Clayton.

865
00:49:22.360 --> 00:49:24.480
And not that he's, he's not helpless.

866
00:49:25.400 --> 00:49:26.880
He's like way capable,

867
00:49:26.880 --> 00:49:29.280
but like when he's processing through things,

868
00:49:29.280 --> 00:49:32.280
I'm like, I'm kind of like,

869
00:49:32.280 --> 00:49:34.640
well, I want to help you to do this.

870
00:49:34.640 --> 00:49:37.600
And he doesn't need my help.

871
00:49:37.600 --> 00:49:39.920
And so I am learning.

872
00:49:39.920 --> 00:49:42.000
I'm like, cause I want to, you know,

873
00:49:42.000 --> 00:49:44.400
I want to help him and, and okay.

874
00:49:44.400 --> 00:49:45.440
Like, how can we fix this?

875
00:49:45.440 --> 00:49:47.520
Like, like, let's, let's fix it.

876
00:49:47.560 --> 00:49:52.560
And so I am realizing that I just need to listen.

877
00:49:52.680 --> 00:49:53.600
That's all.

878
00:49:54.720 --> 00:49:56.000
That's what he needs me to do.

879
00:49:56.000 --> 00:49:57.240
Cause I'm like, what do you need me to do?

880
00:49:57.240 --> 00:49:58.440
He's like, I just, you know,

881
00:49:58.440 --> 00:50:00.240
I'm like thinking and talking.

882
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:02.600
and I just need you to listen.

883
00:50:02.600 --> 00:50:04.960
So that was an aha moment.

884
00:50:04.960 --> 00:50:09.120
And he had an aha moment as well.

885
00:50:09.120 --> 00:50:12.120
And it had to do with,

886
00:50:12.120 --> 00:50:15.920
he had not his first marriage,

887
00:50:15.920 --> 00:50:17.680
but another relationship.

888
00:50:17.680 --> 00:50:22.680
And the responses that he would get

889
00:50:23.800 --> 00:50:28.800
would be very judgmental, critical, and things like that.

890
00:50:29.800 --> 00:50:33.360
So sometimes when he's sharing with me,

891
00:50:33.360 --> 00:50:36.680
he says, he said this,

892
00:50:36.680 --> 00:50:38.480
and then I had something to say to him,

893
00:50:38.480 --> 00:50:41.000
but he's like, shame on me that I stayed that long.

894
00:50:41.000 --> 00:50:42.640
Shame on me that I did this.

895
00:50:42.640 --> 00:50:44.120
Shame on me that I did that.

896
00:50:44.120 --> 00:50:46.360
So I let him say all that.

897
00:50:46.360 --> 00:50:49.720
And I said, Colleen, you are not that man.

898
00:50:51.080 --> 00:50:54.680
And I'm not, no, shame off you.

899
00:50:54.680 --> 00:50:56.560
You're not that man.

900
00:50:56.560 --> 00:50:57.800
Shame off you.

901
00:50:57.840 --> 00:51:00.120
And I prayed over him and I said,

902
00:51:00.120 --> 00:51:01.800
so I don't, he's like,

903
00:51:01.800 --> 00:51:04.200
I just want you to know that I'm not gonna do that,

904
00:51:04.200 --> 00:51:06.080
that I'm not gonna go back there.

905
00:51:06.080 --> 00:51:10.760
And I said, but I've never even like judged you

906
00:51:10.760 --> 00:51:12.120
or criticized you for anything.

907
00:51:12.120 --> 00:51:13.440
I know you have a past.

908
00:51:13.440 --> 00:51:16.360
I know that you've got things going on.

909
00:51:16.360 --> 00:51:18.720
And I said, so you're saying things

910
00:51:18.720 --> 00:51:21.520
because you think I'm gonna do that.

911
00:51:21.520 --> 00:51:24.040
I said, but I've never done that.

912
00:51:24.040 --> 00:51:27.080
So you're projecting that on me.

913
00:51:28.480 --> 00:51:31.360
And he's like, oh, I said,

914
00:51:31.360 --> 00:51:33.400
you don't have to tell me that you're not that man

915
00:51:33.400 --> 00:51:36.800
because I know you and you're not that man.

916
00:51:36.800 --> 00:51:38.560
And I'm looking forward to,

917
00:51:38.560 --> 00:51:41.320
and you're not even the man that I met in April.

918
00:51:42.680 --> 00:51:47.680
Right, so that was a breakthrough for him

919
00:51:47.760 --> 00:51:50.800
because he has a tendency to over-explain

920
00:51:50.800 --> 00:51:52.880
because he over-explained in the,

921
00:51:52.880 --> 00:51:55.320
even in his career, he had over-explained it.

922
00:51:55.320 --> 00:51:58.960
And I'm like, you don't have to over-explain that.

923
00:51:58.960 --> 00:52:00.600
So that was a good breakthrough.

924
00:52:00.600 --> 00:52:02.800
And then today I flipped out a little bit

925
00:52:02.800 --> 00:52:04.760
about this dang rehearsal dinner.

926
00:52:07.880 --> 00:52:09.840
Not the rehearsal dinner.

927
00:52:09.840 --> 00:52:11.280
The rehearsal dinner.

928
00:52:11.280 --> 00:52:13.080
Stacey, he's in charge of it.

929
00:52:13.080 --> 00:52:14.200
He is in charge of it.

930
00:52:14.200 --> 00:52:16.120
And so he's like, hey, just wanted to let you know,

931
00:52:16.120 --> 00:52:18.000
I talked to Crystal from Chewy's

932
00:52:18.000 --> 00:52:20.120
and we're all set and everything like that.

933
00:52:20.120 --> 00:52:22.160
And yeah, I go, okay, I go,

934
00:52:22.160 --> 00:52:25.520
so is she going to send you like an email confirmation?

935
00:52:25.520 --> 00:52:27.920
And he's like, well,

936
00:52:28.880 --> 00:52:31.000
and he's like, well,

937
00:52:32.720 --> 00:52:33.920
but we've been talking.

938
00:52:34.960 --> 00:52:38.880
And I'm like, and I got a little nutty.

939
00:52:38.880 --> 00:52:41.120
I go, you don't know.

940
00:52:41.120 --> 00:52:41.960
I go, you know what?

941
00:52:41.960 --> 00:52:44.400
You don't know if Crystal might quit next week.

942
00:52:44.400 --> 00:52:46.280
And then we don't have any confirmation.

943
00:52:46.280 --> 00:52:48.160
And then we're going to show up there on May 6th

944
00:52:48.160 --> 00:52:49.880
and nothing's going to be ready.

945
00:52:49.880 --> 00:52:52.200
And then, and I mean, I just like spun out

946
00:52:52.200 --> 00:52:55.520
and he's like, Stacey,

947
00:52:56.480 --> 00:52:58.520
he's like, I'm working it.

948
00:52:58.520 --> 00:53:00.360
And I'm like, well, were you going to ask for an email?

949
00:53:00.360 --> 00:53:01.600
And so I got nutty.

950
00:53:01.600 --> 00:53:04.400
And then 30 minutes later, I called him.

951
00:53:05.480 --> 00:53:06.880
And I said, I apologize.

952
00:53:06.880 --> 00:53:08.960
I treated you like you're a child,

953
00:53:08.960 --> 00:53:11.000
like you couldn't take care of this.

954
00:53:11.000 --> 00:53:13.720
And I said, and I know exactly what it was.

955
00:53:13.720 --> 00:53:18.160
I was creating worry

956
00:53:18.200 --> 00:53:21.280
that things weren't going to be perfect.

957
00:53:21.280 --> 00:53:22.720
And then I would look bad.

958
00:53:22.720 --> 00:53:24.320
I said, and that's pride.

959
00:53:24.320 --> 00:53:25.480
And I repent of it.

960
00:53:27.280 --> 00:53:28.120
It's good.

961
00:53:28.120 --> 00:53:30.760
And I said, and I don't care if you get an email or not.

962
00:53:32.000 --> 00:53:33.240
You go on with it.

963
00:53:34.200 --> 00:53:36.040
And here's the thing, you guys.

964
00:53:36.040 --> 00:53:37.280
So let's look at this.

965
00:53:37.280 --> 00:53:39.280
Cause I love this example

966
00:53:39.280 --> 00:53:42.040
because Stacey is having a revealing for healing

967
00:53:42.040 --> 00:53:44.240
because she's getting down to the motivations

968
00:53:44.240 --> 00:53:46.040
behind going nutty.

969
00:53:47.040 --> 00:53:49.320
But simply saying,

970
00:53:49.320 --> 00:53:51.560
especially when you're planning or event planning,

971
00:53:51.560 --> 00:53:54.680
because Stacey is a professional, okay?

972
00:53:54.680 --> 00:53:57.880
She's held an executive type position for years.

973
00:53:57.880 --> 00:54:00.560
And executives learn that you don't get what you expect,

974
00:54:00.560 --> 00:54:03.040
you get what you inspect, okay?

975
00:54:03.040 --> 00:54:06.320
And so what has happened here is there's a gift

976
00:54:06.320 --> 00:54:08.520
that she has of administration

977
00:54:08.520 --> 00:54:10.880
that's being overextended by trauma

978
00:54:10.880 --> 00:54:14.040
and it's becoming a weakness in her relationship.

979
00:54:14.040 --> 00:54:15.720
I did my Supernatural Saturday about this

980
00:54:16.400 --> 00:54:17.240
just recently.

981
00:54:17.240 --> 00:54:21.920
And so what's important here is that both can be true.

982
00:54:21.920 --> 00:54:24.280
She can be worried about looking bad

983
00:54:24.280 --> 00:54:26.760
and worried about it being a bust and being embarrassed.

984
00:54:26.760 --> 00:54:28.520
She can be worried about all of those things

985
00:54:28.520 --> 00:54:30.880
and worry that Clayton is not, you know,

986
00:54:30.880 --> 00:54:33.520
being responsible enough or conscientious enough

987
00:54:33.520 --> 00:54:35.840
or being too lackadaisical, too laid back,

988
00:54:35.840 --> 00:54:39.400
you know, too, you know, irresponsible.

989
00:54:39.400 --> 00:54:42.320
Because responsibility oftentimes is a fancy word for fear.

990
00:54:42.320 --> 00:54:44.480
And so she's operating in that.

991
00:54:44.520 --> 00:54:45.760
So that can be true.

992
00:54:45.760 --> 00:54:48.600
And it can also be true that it's just not wise

993
00:54:48.600 --> 00:54:51.480
to not get an email confirmation when planning an event.

994
00:54:52.800 --> 00:54:55.400
Both of those are allowed to be true, right?

995
00:54:55.400 --> 00:54:56.240
Yes.

996
00:54:56.240 --> 00:54:59.160
And so the way Stacey could have done that differently

997
00:54:59.160 --> 00:55:00.000
is she could.

998
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:05.160
have, you know, and she is, you know, processing why she, you

999
00:55:05.160 --> 00:55:10.640
know, crashed out about it. But then secondly, also being able

1000
00:55:10.640 --> 00:55:15.480
to say, you know, because this isn't his field, and this isn't

1001
00:55:15.500 --> 00:55:17.920
what he's used to doing as far as planning events, you know,

1002
00:55:17.920 --> 00:55:21.120
like he's doing it. And we love him for doing it.

1003
00:55:21.600 --> 00:55:28.840
But actually, he is. So his career, huh, was he was the

1004
00:55:31.120 --> 00:55:35.120
dirt. He was like, he was the regional director of food

1005
00:55:35.120 --> 00:55:42.240
services for Army Air Force Exchange bases. He was over all

1006
00:55:42.240 --> 00:55:48.320
of the different food court people. So it is his thing.

1007
00:55:48.720 --> 00:55:51.640
He never got he never got anything in writing about what

1008
00:55:51.640 --> 00:55:57.020
was going to happen. Right? But this is right. So that that's

1009
00:55:57.040 --> 00:56:02.240
the other thing. And I said, Okay, I go. I understand. It's

1010
00:56:02.240 --> 00:56:08.920
January 19. This thing is until May 6. Sure. So I said, he goes

1011
00:56:08.960 --> 00:56:12.400
Stacy, I'm not done with it. Like I'm not done yet. Exactly.

1012
00:56:12.400 --> 00:56:16.800
Okay, so he's not done. And so what Stacy can say is, sorry for

1013
00:56:16.800 --> 00:56:19.960
crashing out. This is why I crashed out. But then she can

1014
00:56:19.960 --> 00:56:24.040
also say, but I just really need you to know that as you continue

1015
00:56:24.040 --> 00:56:27.400
on, it would make it would give me a lot of peace if you had

1016
00:56:27.400 --> 00:56:31.640
that in writing. And I told him, and I said, I know I'm wrong on

1017
00:56:31.640 --> 00:56:35.320
all of this. But I don't give a shit. I still want an email.

1018
00:56:37.600 --> 00:56:40.800
And he's like, you will there will be an email.

1019
00:56:41.480 --> 00:56:46.400
Listen, listen, absolutely. Both are true. And I love it that you

1020
00:56:46.400 --> 00:56:49.360
owned your side of the street. Because you know what this is

1021
00:56:49.360 --> 00:56:52.040
this is what would have been ego you guys I want you to see what

1022
00:56:52.040 --> 00:56:55.480
ego would have been like in this situation. Because she is

1023
00:56:55.480 --> 00:56:59.440
fundamentally right. There should be a written there should

1024
00:56:59.440 --> 00:57:02.800
be a paper trail of an event. Because she is right. And that

1025
00:57:02.800 --> 00:57:06.680
is wisdom. She could have died on that hill. She could have

1026
00:57:06.680 --> 00:57:09.040
held her ground. She could have been upset. She could have been

1027
00:57:09.040 --> 00:57:11.840
like, no, this is irresponsible. This is, you

1028
00:57:11.840 --> 00:57:14.080
know, you're not doing this. Well, you're not she she had

1029
00:57:14.080 --> 00:57:17.680
ground to stand on there. And her ego could have gotten her

1030
00:57:17.680 --> 00:57:21.400
further and further into that. If she wasn't willing to go

1031
00:57:21.400 --> 00:57:25.280
deeper and say, Okay, even though on the surface, high

1032
00:57:25.280 --> 00:57:32.160
level, I am right. Down here, you know, this is why I feel so

1033
00:57:32.160 --> 00:57:36.800
afraid and so worried. This is why I'm reacting so viscerally

1034
00:57:36.800 --> 00:57:40.560
to this situation. That's not next week or two weeks from now

1035
00:57:40.560 --> 00:57:45.920
it's four months from now. And you did good. I'm proud of you.

1036
00:57:47.120 --> 00:57:49.840
And guess what, you're gonna have a million more

1037
00:57:49.840 --> 00:57:55.920
opportunities to do this in marriage. Exactly. David had to

1038
00:57:55.920 --> 00:57:59.200
eat crow today and just he was a curmudgeon. He was a grumpy,

1039
00:57:59.360 --> 00:58:06.240
grumpy Gus today. And he was just projecting on me that he

1040
00:58:06.240 --> 00:58:09.040
was projecting on me because we're traveling and he was

1041
00:58:09.040 --> 00:58:12.080
doing real good. And then finally, he just kind of crashed

1042
00:58:12.080 --> 00:58:17.040
out and started getting, you know, just hormonal and grouchy

1043
00:58:17.040 --> 00:58:20.160
guys, men have PMS to in case you didn't know they do. I

1044
00:58:20.160 --> 00:58:24.160
promise you they do. They have hormonal fluctuations, they get

1045
00:58:24.160 --> 00:58:28.640
attitudes, things happen. But you know, but then he

1046
00:58:28.640 --> 00:58:33.520
apologized. He didn't even let that much time go by. And the

1047
00:58:33.520 --> 00:58:35.600
more that you're married, the more that you humble yourself,

1048
00:58:35.680 --> 00:58:38.720
the more that you're not going to argue, it's that you're going

1049
00:58:38.720 --> 00:58:41.520
to understand that whatever you're arguing about isn't

1050
00:58:41.520 --> 00:58:44.640
really the problem quicker and quicker and quicker and quicker.

1051
00:58:46.080 --> 00:58:48.160
And you're going to forgive each other and come together.

1052
00:58:49.040 --> 00:58:54.000
And the good news is both of us are great at apology and great

1053
00:58:54.000 --> 00:58:57.600
at forgiving. Yeah, I've never been in a relationship with

1054
00:58:57.600 --> 00:59:02.960
someone who receives an apology and lets it go or takes

1055
00:59:02.960 --> 00:59:08.160
it and apologizes. Yeah. And so that's like, that's amazing.

1056
00:59:08.160 --> 00:59:10.800
It's amazing. Because the truth is, is that if Clayton didn't

1057
00:59:10.800 --> 00:59:13.760
like strong women, he would definitely not be with you. Oh,

1058
00:59:13.760 --> 00:59:16.800
no, he wouldn't. Yes. So we already know that he likes it.

1059
00:59:17.360 --> 00:59:20.560
Yeah, he just just have we just have to figure out how we all

1060
00:59:20.560 --> 00:59:24.480
fit in in this situation together, right? In the

1061
00:59:24.480 --> 00:59:26.960
relationship. So love that. Thanks for that share. Is he

1062
00:59:26.960 --> 00:59:30.000
now you can't come tonight, huh? Yeah, he's he's not feeling

1063
00:59:30.000 --> 00:59:33.040
good. Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, prayers for full healing

1064
00:59:33.040 --> 00:59:36.960
for him. Yes. Yes. And make sure if you didn't do the bring the

1065
00:59:36.960 --> 00:59:39.200
shadow work into the light, if you didn't do that worksheet,

1066
00:59:39.200 --> 00:59:42.480
make sure that you do that. Because it's really a good one.

1067
00:59:42.480 --> 00:59:46.800
Okay. Carla and Jeremy. Aha. I know you guys had a hard time.

1068
00:59:46.800 --> 00:59:49.280
So anything you guys want to share? Where did the fighting

1069
00:59:49.280 --> 00:59:52.240
begin? Where'd you fall off? What was triggering? What

1070
00:59:52.240 --> 00:59:56.400
happened? Okay, I mean, I guess I can just I've been kind of

1071
00:59:56.400 --> 00:59:59.280
taking notes so that I can kind of keep it as short as

1072
00:59:59.280 --> 00:59:59.920
possible.

1073
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:07.120
I mean, you obviously know, Jackie, we have lots of layers.

1074
01:00:07.120 --> 01:00:10.760
I think last week when we were talking about the fight or flight, freeze, fawn, we were

1075
01:00:10.760 --> 01:00:15.280
talking about defense and fear, like that was a big aha moment for me.

1076
01:00:15.280 --> 01:00:25.640
And so it kind of, for me, started last week when we had a discussion after our call.

1077
01:00:25.640 --> 01:00:33.260
And so I was doing really good and finding that I'm making progress by not being super

1078
01:00:33.260 --> 01:00:39.720
emotional responsive, because that is something that I tend to do, and I know it triggers

1079
01:00:39.720 --> 01:00:42.200
him significantly.

1080
01:00:42.200 --> 01:00:47.240
I get super emotional fight or flight, like super fight or flight.

1081
01:00:47.240 --> 01:00:49.600
And so that happened.

1082
01:00:49.600 --> 01:00:53.800
I kind of calmed myself, didn't react.

1083
01:00:53.800 --> 01:00:59.280
Then we had another situation a day or two later, I put pause on things.

1084
01:00:59.280 --> 01:01:06.280
And then so last night, we had this discussion to do heart work, because that's been kind

1085
01:01:06.280 --> 01:01:13.540
of put on the back burner, and it just got completely out of hand.

1086
01:01:13.540 --> 01:01:21.480
And so I exploded my emotion, like I held it together for as long as I could.

1087
01:01:21.480 --> 01:01:24.000
And then it just didn't.

1088
01:01:24.000 --> 01:01:34.200
And so there were definitely signals where I probably recognized he was in his triggers.

1089
01:01:34.200 --> 01:01:42.520
Now that I'm looking back in hindsight, and so I taking responsibility, I didn't stop

1090
01:01:42.520 --> 01:01:46.980
the conversation when I should have.

1091
01:01:46.980 --> 01:01:52.340
And so obviously, we're working with a therapist, and we're doing Gottman, I don't know if anybody's

1092
01:01:52.340 --> 01:01:53.340
familiar with that.

1093
01:01:53.340 --> 01:01:57.340
So we're trying to work with like Gottman communication and things like that.

1094
01:01:57.340 --> 01:02:04.700
So I try to work through that, and I was failing miserably.

1095
01:02:04.700 --> 01:02:09.340
But in hindsight now, just kind of sitting with it and processing, like you were sharing

1096
01:02:09.340 --> 01:02:12.800
about like Supernatural, like Supernatural Saturday, I think I got through about 20 minutes

1097
01:02:12.800 --> 01:02:19.760
of it, and got so much of it, and relate to this being a very hypersensitive person,

1098
01:02:19.760 --> 01:02:31.080
my gifts are definitely overextended, just very, I'm an empath, I have this gift of discernment,

1099
01:02:31.080 --> 01:02:36.960
I have gifts of leadership, I struggle with, you know, the teaching gift and leadership,

1100
01:02:36.960 --> 01:02:40.240
which falls into this area of control.

1101
01:02:40.240 --> 01:02:49.480
And so I see a lot of that really showing up, that what it comes down to is this meeting

1102
01:02:49.480 --> 01:02:53.520
me needing to just release a lot of control.

1103
01:02:53.520 --> 01:03:01.960
It's easy for me to kind of, I think I can see where his struggles are.

1104
01:03:01.960 --> 01:03:10.120
And I like, again, because I coach, I want to try to help fix, because I've done this

1105
01:03:10.120 --> 01:03:12.800
hard work, I can help.

1106
01:03:12.800 --> 01:03:18.760
But when I'm sitting here doing it as a couple, like, I know it's not my job to do it.

1107
01:03:18.760 --> 01:03:22.320
And so that's been really difficult.

1108
01:03:22.320 --> 01:03:29.440
And so one thing that I want to say, though, because I have, I've listened to Jeremy, not

1109
01:03:29.440 --> 01:03:37.400
just here, but also in some other times where we've, you know, been together, I don't even

1110
01:03:37.400 --> 01:03:38.400
remember.

1111
01:03:38.400 --> 01:03:41.880
But one thing that I've noticed about Jeremy is that he may not have done the work that

1112
01:03:41.880 --> 01:03:49.280
you've done, but he's very intuitive.

1113
01:03:49.280 --> 01:03:56.560
He understands processes, and he's intuitive, and has a very high, I think, a very high

1114
01:03:56.680 --> 01:03:59.920
emotional and spiritual IQ.

1115
01:03:59.920 --> 01:04:04.880
Now unfortunately, I think that some of your emotions, Jeremy, may have been shut down.

1116
01:04:04.880 --> 01:04:12.080
You may not use this higher IQ all the time, simply because of the dysregulation emotionally

1117
01:04:12.080 --> 01:04:15.040
in your former wife and your mother.

1118
01:04:15.040 --> 01:04:19.760
And so I think that that's caused you to kind of maybe try to stay away from your emotional

1119
01:04:19.760 --> 01:04:25.080
center, because it's not, it hasn't been a safe place, especially in the feminine with

1120
01:04:25.080 --> 01:04:26.880
the women in your life.

1121
01:04:26.880 --> 01:04:32.440
And then you marry this HSP, highly emotional, highly sensitive, you know, tuning fork here

1122
01:04:32.440 --> 01:04:33.440
in Carla.

1123
01:04:33.440 --> 01:04:38.720
And that's probably why you were drawn to her because of, you know, you do have a high

1124
01:04:38.720 --> 01:04:41.280
need for emotional connection.

1125
01:04:41.280 --> 01:04:46.160
But I think that maybe you haven't been able to really allow yourself that because it's

1126
01:04:46.160 --> 01:04:49.280
been so unsafe in the past, but you're very intuitive.

1127
01:04:49.280 --> 01:04:51.920
You have a high emotional and spiritual IQ.

1128
01:04:51.920 --> 01:04:55.960
So Carla, what I'm basically saying is he doesn't need your help.

1129
01:04:55.960 --> 01:04:56.960
I know.

1130
01:04:56.960 --> 01:04:59.960
And that's where like coaching head off because he doesn't need he he's actually

1131
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:04.320
tell you things that are going to blow your mind if you just give him a chance to open up and do it.

1132
01:05:05.040 --> 01:05:11.920
Yeah, I think that's where it's like me having to dig deeper with where my fears are and where

1133
01:05:11.920 --> 01:05:19.600
like what needs what layers still need to be healed in me and that needing to control this

1134
01:05:19.600 --> 01:05:26.800
fear that you know it's not going to happen like can I actually trust him to do the work can I

1135
01:05:26.800 --> 01:05:31.600
actually trust him to show up is can I actually trust that he's going to own his side of the

1136
01:05:31.600 --> 01:05:37.040
street is he going to be capable of showing up okay so let's okay so remember the Captain D

1137
01:05:37.040 --> 01:05:42.160
story so let's unpack that for a second is this about Jeremy or is this about Bo's dad

1138
01:05:42.960 --> 01:05:48.560
I mean this is I mean this is about Bo's dad this is about previous relationships this is

1139
01:05:48.560 --> 01:05:55.520
clearly things that I've seen in my parents which that even kind of processing through today

1140
01:05:56.880 --> 01:06:05.600
um I can see in hindsight how I picked a lot of this up with my parents but I can now see past

1141
01:06:06.320 --> 01:06:11.360
why they responded the way they did and have compassion and understanding and know oh that's

1142
01:06:11.360 --> 01:06:19.200
where I got this from and then now I'm looking at past relationships I mean like oh now I've got all

1143
01:06:19.200 --> 01:06:25.840
these layers from past relationships on how a lot of that was validated and so now I'm in this

1144
01:06:25.840 --> 01:06:35.920
marriage where I'm terrified and these lies are coming in and it seems very real like it seems

1145
01:06:35.920 --> 01:06:43.120
like these lies are being validated and I'm like like obviously like I'm like no they're not these

1146
01:06:43.120 --> 01:06:50.880
are lies like I've done hard work replace it with truth like what do I gotta do here but it's but

1147
01:06:50.880 --> 01:06:56.000
the problem is is that when you get into your fight or flight response you know which is highly

1148
01:06:56.000 --> 01:07:05.360
emotional like you said and when that happens it actually sets back the the the ability to get

1149
01:07:05.360 --> 01:07:11.680
vulnerable and self-aware and trust in Jeremy it sets it back again so it's almost like you

1150
01:07:11.680 --> 01:07:17.520
gotta like do over again you know I'm saying like he starts coming out of his shell like a turtle

1151
01:07:17.520 --> 01:07:21.360
and then something happens it spooks him and he goes back in and it's you

1152
01:07:21.360 --> 01:07:30.480
that's triggered yeah and so we're in this like pursue and withdraw cycle and like my fight or

1153
01:07:30.480 --> 01:07:36.080
flight is my stress response which is his trigger to withdrawal freeze and fawn and like I'm just

1154
01:07:36.080 --> 01:07:41.120
like oh my gosh like are we ever going to get out of this cycle yes are we ever going to own our

1155
01:07:41.120 --> 01:07:46.720
stuff and the hard work and you guys in week two is very emotional it's very emotionally centered

1156
01:07:46.720 --> 01:07:53.840
and so you know but you guys can come at the work in a more practical way of just you know

1157
01:07:53.840 --> 01:07:59.360
making making an agreement to just share you know almost intellectually about the things that are

1158
01:07:59.360 --> 01:08:04.400
coming up and less from an emotional space the reason why I mentioned Bo's dad is because you

1159
01:08:04.400 --> 01:08:09.120
know you being in relationship and having to co-parent with someone who's not self-aware

1160
01:08:09.680 --> 01:08:13.760
someone who doesn't own his side of the street someone who doesn't notice the people that are

1161
01:08:13.760 --> 01:08:20.160
hurting right in front of him and the damage that is being done you know someone who is completely

1162
01:08:20.160 --> 01:08:25.920
divorced from his emotional center and has in my opinion that has a very low emotional IQ

1163
01:08:26.479 --> 01:08:33.200
that is definitely a scary thing because you know that that was hard not just for you but for Bo

1164
01:08:33.200 --> 01:08:38.080
and so not wanting to be with someone who shut down someone who doesn't want to feel someone who

1165
01:08:38.080 --> 01:08:45.680
doesn't want to talk about you know how they feel I mean you're definitely a sapiosexual

1166
01:08:45.680 --> 01:08:52.080
you're someone who needs the deeper connection of really knowing someone emotionally and spiritually

1167
01:08:52.080 --> 01:08:57.600
and intellectually and so and Jeremy definitely is all of those things and has the capability

1168
01:08:57.600 --> 01:09:04.399
and capacity to do that once he feels safe enough to connect with you that way right so Jeremy what

1169
01:09:04.399 --> 01:09:11.120
do you have to say are you there though is he there tonight yeah okay um you

1170
01:09:12.640 --> 01:09:20.800
in front of you I'm right here guys what do you have to say um so

1171
01:09:20.800 --> 01:09:37.600
so like last night I guess and honestly it's phenomenal to to see Carla go above and beyond

1172
01:09:37.600 --> 01:09:44.080
in leaps and bounds and trying to think outside of the box in order to to help from a communication

1173
01:09:44.080 --> 01:09:49.520
perspective like using the whole Gottman thing and chat gbt and all these different methods to try to

1174
01:09:50.000 --> 01:09:56.720
to figure out the best way to communicate I guess yesterday like when she brought her

1175
01:09:56.720 --> 01:09:59.840
computer in here and I was I was looking at like

1176
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:05.000
all of these notes and then she was just kind of reading a bunch of information off about

1177
01:10:05.000 --> 01:10:14.640
her thoughts and it just, I started feeling very overwhelmed, um, and, you know, we, for,

1178
01:10:14.640 --> 01:10:21.680
I would say probably about 80%, 80% of our conversations seemed to, like there was a

1179
01:10:21.680 --> 01:10:35.360
positive progress and then we got to a tipping point to where, you know, I, I, I, you know,

1180
01:10:35.360 --> 01:10:42.080
it was, you know, I, there, there were times, you know, where I, I, I brought up that, you

1181
01:10:42.080 --> 01:10:48.280
know, I wanted to do the heart work, um, and, you know, and, you know, she wasn't in the

1182
01:10:48.280 --> 01:10:54.320
headspace or wasn't feeling well, which I totally understand, um, but that was me kind

1183
01:10:54.320 --> 01:11:01.280
of like putting an effort showing that, you know, that, that I, that I, I want to do this.

1184
01:11:01.280 --> 01:11:06.600
Like I get a lot from it. I, I love the connection that comes with it, especially whenever we're

1185
01:11:06.600 --> 01:11:15.200
reading it together and talking through it, it's very powerful to me. And, um, you know,

1186
01:11:15.200 --> 01:11:22.600
sometimes I feel like if I try like several times to do something and to show an effort

1187
01:11:22.600 --> 01:11:30.000
and then it doesn't happen, then I get a little sideways about it or I'll just, it's almost

1188
01:11:30.000 --> 01:11:36.000
like maybe I should do this on my own. And that's just kind of me getting in my head.

1189
01:11:36.000 --> 01:11:43.920
Um, but, but closer to the end of the conversation, it was, you know, I, I kind of got, I led

1190
01:11:43.920 --> 01:11:56.360
myself to the point of, I, I don't know why we have to continue. I don't know. I don't

1191
01:11:56.360 --> 01:12:02.600
understand why there has to be a conversation every single time. Like if I, if I give you

1192
01:12:02.600 --> 01:12:08.640
information, of course, this is the logical part speaking. If I give you information about

1193
01:12:08.640 --> 01:12:13.960
myself in terms of if I'm coming to you trying to instigate something that's important, not

1194
01:12:13.960 --> 01:12:20.120
only for our marriage, but for our faith and our relationship, and it doesn't happen, then

1195
01:12:20.120 --> 01:12:26.800
I'm going to feel a certain way about it. I think where I went sideways was I like,

1196
01:12:26.800 --> 01:12:33.320
you know, I felt like if I give you that information, now you have the ability to operate on that.

1197
01:12:33.320 --> 01:12:38.160
So that this, this doesn't have to constantly be a discussion or I have to constantly tell

1198
01:12:38.160 --> 01:12:46.120
you how I'm feeling. If I, if, if I'm trying to instigate something for our marriage in

1199
01:12:46.120 --> 01:12:53.440
this particular scenario, and you know, she was saying that, you know, she would like

1200
01:12:53.440 --> 01:13:00.560
for me to do that. So then once I started to see things elevate or escalate, I guess

1201
01:13:00.560 --> 01:13:07.400
is a better word while listening to her, I started thinking to myself, okay, is this,

1202
01:13:07.400 --> 01:13:12.640
and this is something that I've just learned over time. And that is picking and choosing

1203
01:13:12.640 --> 01:13:18.760
my battles. Right. And so trying to start thinking about this from while she's in the

1204
01:13:18.760 --> 01:13:30.040
midst of, of, of speaking, okay, well, how big of a sacrifice is it to be able to just

1205
01:13:30.040 --> 01:13:35.040
open up and, and share how it's making me feel whenever I'm trying to instigate something

1206
01:13:35.040 --> 01:13:40.520
for a marriage and it seems like I'm getting turned down or, or turned away, regardless

1207
01:13:40.520 --> 01:13:47.120
of what the circumstances are. Right. And, you know, then she felt like I was fawning

1208
01:13:47.120 --> 01:13:56.600
or whatever. And, and so I was, at that point I was trying to put myself aside and then

1209
01:13:56.600 --> 01:14:04.800
trying to think, okay, well, if this is something that she needs or desires, even though logically

1210
01:14:04.800 --> 01:14:10.080
in my mind, it's not necessary, I'm supposed to die to self as a husband and I'm supposed

1211
01:14:10.080 --> 01:14:15.120
to serve her as a wife. But then whenever I brought that up, it just, it started, it

1212
01:14:15.120 --> 01:14:21.240
started spiraling at that point in time. And it's just like, and, and, and I had to back

1213
01:14:21.240 --> 01:14:26.120
up and stop. And then, you know, we kind of, you know, when our separate ways or what have

1214
01:14:26.120 --> 01:14:33.360
you, but that's at least through my eyes, that's, that's what I experienced. Again,

1215
01:14:33.360 --> 01:14:43.640
I could be wrong, just going based on recollection and what I remember. So all of that in a nutshell

1216
01:14:43.640 --> 01:14:53.560
tells sounds to me like you just felt rejected. Is that accurate? I mean, I can see, I can

1217
01:14:53.560 --> 01:15:00.000
see that. I mean, how I was explaining how I feel whenever I try multiple.

1218
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:05.200
times to engage in something and it doesn't happen, I can see how that could be a form

1219
01:15:05.200 --> 01:15:06.200
of rejection.

1220
01:15:06.200 --> 01:15:07.200
Sure.

1221
01:15:07.200 --> 01:15:08.200
Okay.

1222
01:15:08.200 --> 01:15:17.040
So when you guys have these confrontations, what does that look like?

1223
01:15:17.040 --> 01:15:18.040
Just what does it look like?

1224
01:15:18.040 --> 01:15:22.720
Is there someone yelling, or is there doors slamming, or are there people going different

1225
01:15:22.720 --> 01:15:23.720
directions?

1226
01:15:23.720 --> 01:15:29.040
How long does it take you guys to withdraw and not talk?

1227
01:15:29.040 --> 01:15:33.020
Or is one person roaming around trying to tell the other person how they feel and they're

1228
01:15:33.020 --> 01:15:34.480
not being listened to?

1229
01:15:34.480 --> 01:15:35.480
What does it look like?

1230
01:15:35.480 --> 01:15:41.160
I think last night we were probably in it for about what, because we were actually recording

1231
01:15:41.160 --> 01:15:42.160
that conversation.

1232
01:15:42.160 --> 01:15:46.800
We try to record our conversations.

1233
01:15:46.800 --> 01:15:51.880
And I think we were in it for about 30 minutes until it really definitely exploded.

1234
01:15:52.600 --> 01:16:05.600
Within the first few minutes, my approach and his freezing, I could tell there was this,

1235
01:16:05.600 --> 01:16:10.880
he felt like I was blaming him because I was pointing out how he gets defensive, which

1236
01:16:10.880 --> 01:16:11.880
he's acknowledged.

1237
01:16:11.880 --> 01:16:12.880
Okay.

1238
01:16:12.880 --> 01:16:13.880
I just really want to know what it looks like.

1239
01:16:13.880 --> 01:16:15.600
Do you raise your voice, Carla?

1240
01:16:15.600 --> 01:16:16.600
Are you like in his face?

1241
01:16:16.600 --> 01:16:17.600
No.

1242
01:16:17.600 --> 01:16:21.400
I mean, I think we're pretty, I mean, from my perspective, I mean, I like to hear his

1243
01:16:21.400 --> 01:16:23.360
side of it as well.

1244
01:16:23.360 --> 01:16:27.240
I think we come to the table and we're trying to dialogue back and forth.

1245
01:16:27.240 --> 01:16:30.840
I mean, obviously I have a lot more words, so that he might feel like he has to get a

1246
01:16:30.840 --> 01:16:34.240
part in it twice.

1247
01:16:34.240 --> 01:16:44.400
But eventually, like by that 30 minute mark, it was, I was so flooded.

1248
01:16:44.400 --> 01:16:48.320
Things that he was saying and trying to justify himself was such a trigger for me.

1249
01:16:48.320 --> 01:16:50.600
I couldn't hear anything.

1250
01:16:50.600 --> 01:16:55.880
And so then it was just me over, like just talking over him and crying.

1251
01:16:55.880 --> 01:16:56.880
Okay.

1252
01:16:56.880 --> 01:16:57.880
And where are the kids?

1253
01:16:57.880 --> 01:16:58.880
So Jackie, I think I...

1254
01:16:58.880 --> 01:16:59.880
Where are the kids when this happened?

1255
01:16:59.880 --> 01:17:00.880
Where are the kids at?

1256
01:17:00.880 --> 01:17:01.880
They're not in our room.

1257
01:17:01.880 --> 01:17:02.880
We do this behind closed doors.

1258
01:17:02.880 --> 01:17:03.880
Yeah.

1259
01:17:03.880 --> 01:17:04.880
We try to do this in the room.

1260
01:17:04.880 --> 01:17:05.880
You don't think they hear you though?

1261
01:17:05.880 --> 01:17:06.880
Oh, I'm sure they do.

1262
01:17:06.880 --> 01:17:07.880
Okay.

1263
01:17:07.880 --> 01:17:08.880
Go ahead.

1264
01:17:08.880 --> 01:17:09.880
And you, Jeremy?

1265
01:17:09.880 --> 01:17:14.280
No, I was just going to say, what I'm hearing you say is what is the consistent behavior

1266
01:17:14.280 --> 01:17:16.080
when we have these conversations?

1267
01:17:16.080 --> 01:17:21.800
And I think we've come to a point to where, you know, when we have these conversations,

1268
01:17:21.800 --> 01:17:25.680
it's in a very calm environment.

1269
01:17:25.680 --> 01:17:31.920
We're not really, I mean, there were times previously where, you know, things would not

1270
01:17:31.920 --> 01:17:33.760
be handled properly.

1271
01:17:33.760 --> 01:17:39.040
But I think through what we've, how we've grown over time, we come at it from a calm

1272
01:17:39.040 --> 01:17:42.640
point of view and we talk through it.

1273
01:17:43.200 --> 01:17:47.880
Whenever there's no resolve is whenever it starts escalating and then that's when the

1274
01:17:47.880 --> 01:17:56.720
emotions come in and then that's when, you know, there may be elevation, may not be elevation.

1275
01:17:56.720 --> 01:18:00.600
We've done a pretty good job at trying to remove the elevation more recently, probably

1276
01:18:00.600 --> 01:18:03.960
within the past, you know, month to month and a half.

1277
01:18:03.960 --> 01:18:09.600
But that's more or less how those conversations go whenever they go sideways.

1278
01:18:09.600 --> 01:18:10.600
Okay.

1279
01:18:10.600 --> 01:18:15.960
Well, I'm excited that you guys get to move on to week three because week three is more

1280
01:18:15.960 --> 01:18:22.960
about building and you know, less about, you know, um, you know, just dealing with the

1281
01:18:22.960 --> 01:18:23.960
heart wounds.

1282
01:18:23.960 --> 01:18:28.920
And so I think that, and here's the thing, you guys, it, you know, we can listen to like

1283
01:18:28.920 --> 01:18:33.480
Jeremy and Carla, we can listen to a couple like this talk and you know, our first instinct

1284
01:18:33.480 --> 01:18:38.960
might be like, wow, you know, they need to stay like in this type of healing for a lot

1285
01:18:38.960 --> 01:18:43.640
longer, you know, and actually that's not the case.

1286
01:18:43.640 --> 01:18:47.640
Actually you know, both of them really pretty much know what's happening.

1287
01:18:47.640 --> 01:18:50.060
They just don't know how to move past it.

1288
01:18:50.060 --> 01:18:53.880
And so when we move past and we start like dreaming together, which is what these next

1289
01:18:53.880 --> 01:18:58.180
two weeks are going to be about, we start getting excited about what can be in the future

1290
01:18:58.180 --> 01:18:59.180
and all those things.

1291
01:18:59.180 --> 01:19:04.480
When that happens, actually some of this will become more clear, some of this other stuff

1292
01:19:04.480 --> 01:19:07.720
and it will actually come to a place of resolution.

1293
01:19:07.760 --> 01:19:12.320
So it isn't about just, you know, staying here until you feel like you're allowed to,

1294
01:19:12.320 --> 01:19:17.160
or you're healthy enough, or you've, you know, gotten along long enough to move forward.

1295
01:19:17.160 --> 01:19:21.680
You know, that sign that they have in factories where it says there's been so many days since

1296
01:19:21.680 --> 01:19:27.040
an accident, it's not a situation where you're not allowed to move forward until you've had

1297
01:19:27.040 --> 01:19:30.560
like, you know, 300 days since the last argument.

1298
01:19:30.560 --> 01:19:32.640
That's not the way it works.

1299
01:19:32.640 --> 01:19:36.320
So that is, that's, that's not the case.

1300
01:19:36.320 --> 01:19:40.600
And so they get to move forward and actually moving forward is probably going to let you

1301
01:19:40.600 --> 01:19:44.360
see some of the stuff that's been coming up the first two weeks in a whole different light,

1302
01:19:44.360 --> 01:19:47.320
which is why I told Carla, absolutely.

1303
01:19:47.320 --> 01:19:48.320
Do not be discouraged.

1304
01:19:48.320 --> 01:19:52.560
This is actually, everyone's healing looks different and theirs is just a little bit

1305
01:19:52.560 --> 01:19:53.560
more volatile.

1306
01:19:53.560 --> 01:19:54.560
All right.

1307
01:19:54.560 --> 01:19:56.360
I want to ask one more question.

1308
01:19:56.360 --> 01:20:00.000
You guys actually go ahead and just do a quick round robin the next.

1309
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:01.520
with the next share.

1310
01:21:00.000 --> 01:21:24.160
Okay, so how to know when you're in a new season I did a screenshot of this from the

1311
01:21:24.160 --> 01:21:28.760
reading and I just want to because I want I want all of you to be encouraged because

1312
01:21:28.760 --> 01:21:33.800
if you haven't hit a gas leak yet the way that you know Carla and and and Jeremy keep

1313
01:21:33.800 --> 01:21:40.120
hitting you're going to and and I just want to I just want to to to speak this out your

1314
01:21:40.120 --> 01:21:44.880
your old coping mechanism stop working the things that once numb the pain withdrawal

1315
01:21:44.880 --> 01:21:50.600
sarcasm control and overworking don't satisfy anymore okay doesn't make you feel like you

1316
01:21:50.600 --> 01:21:55.800
won the argument you know doesn't just doesn't satisfy anymore number two you're uncomfortable

1317
01:21:55.800 --> 01:22:02.280
but peaceful growth feels awkward but your spirit knows it's right you're more interested

1318
01:22:02.280 --> 01:22:08.020
in truth than blame you stop keeping score and you start keeping promises you're just

1319
01:22:08.020 --> 01:22:11.080
more interested in the truth than blame you don't really care who's to blame you just

1320
01:22:11.080 --> 01:22:14.600
want to know what's behind it you just want to get down to the nitty gritty because you

1321
01:22:14.600 --> 01:22:20.580
really want to move forward together all right and then number four you're hungrier for healing

1322
01:22:20.580 --> 01:22:26.900
than validation you don't need to win the argument you want to win your partner's heart

1323
01:22:26.900 --> 01:22:33.980
this is how you know and I think that that's true of Jeremy and Carla and I think it's

1324
01:22:33.980 --> 01:22:39.200
true of all of you so I want you to be encouraged I want you to get excited about now we're

1325
01:22:39.200 --> 01:22:42.980
leaving you know week one and two if you didn't do any of the worksheets please do them they're

1326
01:22:42.980 --> 01:22:47.860
really good especially the one from this week the first one about seeing through the lens

1327
01:22:47.860 --> 01:22:51.940
because we want to see the way our partner sees they don't see the way that we see so

1328
01:22:51.940 --> 01:22:56.320
we need to look through their lens and see what they're seeing so do the first week worksheet

1329
01:22:56.320 --> 01:23:01.820
if you haven't done it second week worksheet is bringing you know bringing things in the

1330
01:23:01.820 --> 01:23:05.580
light like really getting vulnerable and it doesn't have to be about the relationship

1331
01:23:05.580 --> 01:23:08.060
it could be about something that happened to you in childhood it could be about the

1332
01:23:08.060 --> 01:23:12.780
way that you feel at your job it can be all different types of things it could be a fear

1333
01:23:12.780 --> 01:23:17.840
of never having the money to retire you know it could be anything that you just really

1334
01:23:17.840 --> 01:23:24.500
want to just bring into the light and then sit with each other and really you know diffuse

1335
01:23:24.500 --> 01:23:31.100
the bombs the lies bring the truth in light a candle I I think you should do all of those

1336
01:23:31.100 --> 01:23:37.420
things as a as a prophetic activation and then so do that work but now we're going to

1337
01:23:37.420 --> 01:23:40.340
go into some building we're going to go into some dreaming we're going to go into some

1338
01:23:40.340 --> 01:23:44.820
building we're going to go into hey why did God bring us together what is the future look

1339
01:23:44.820 --> 01:23:51.900
like how can we build on this foundation that may feel like it's a little shaky still but

1340
01:23:51.900 --> 01:23:59.380
God is the best contractor and he is filling in the cracks even as we go forward and so

1341
01:23:59.380 --> 01:24:04.740
I just really want to encourage all of you to to really be hopeful in that it's exciting

1342
01:24:04.740 --> 01:24:09.340
it's exciting stuff all right okay well we're at time for tonight I want to keep you longer

1343
01:24:09.340 --> 01:24:14.380
because I don't I want to respect everyone's time but the week three will be up it like

1344
01:24:14.380 --> 01:24:17.860
I said it got somehow just disappeared David was trying to do something to it and then

1345
01:24:17.860 --> 01:24:22.100
it just disappeared but the instructions for week three will be up here in the next couple

1346
01:24:22.100 --> 01:24:26.440
hours and you guys can get started on the reading and on the worksheets and on the activations

1347
01:24:26.440 --> 01:24:31.060
for that and father we just thank you Lord that you are doing a deep deep work inside

1348
01:24:31.060 --> 01:24:35.380
of all of us individually and together as couples because we've been brought together

1349
01:24:35.380 --> 01:24:41.380
for lineage and legacy and this matters to you marriage and family matters to you and

1350
01:24:41.380 --> 01:24:46.940
our marriages our partnerships matter to you and you have promises and you have processes

1351
01:24:46.940 --> 01:24:52.300
for all of us and so Lord give us grace in the process but give us hope for the promise

1352
01:24:52.300 --> 01:24:56.860
in Jesus name amen all right friends I'll see you and you guys can post just like Carla

1353
01:24:56.860 --> 01:25:00.060
did in the group because I will come through and I will respond

1354
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:06.000
And so if you have anything that you want to ask or post in the group, please do so.

1355
01:25:06.000 --> 01:25:08.000
OK, and I'll see you soon. Bye, everyone.