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Okay, welcome to the VIP community. Phase three, relationship coaching. One of the things

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that we want to be able to do for you guys this year is give you a lot more coaching,

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a lot more individualized coaching. And we've got a number of ideas and ways that we're

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going to do that this year. But it's a big thing that a lot of the women loved in phase

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two is, wow, I was able to go get advice like every single week. And a lot of times some

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of you feel like, well, I'm not dating anybody, so I don't have anything to go in the love

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seat with Jackie with. So I'm going to help you get unstuck. And so if you are stuck,

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if you have a tiny little thing, if you're like, hey, this is what I think I'm saying

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on my profile, this is the outfits I'm wearing, or I'm getting stuck here. That's what this

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time is for. Now, remember y'all, it's co-ed. So let's think about what we say. And if somebody

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in the program is not responding to you, let's not use this time to diss on somebody

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else that's in the program. So just be mindful of that. So if you have a paper and pen, I'm

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going to give you my top 10, seven things to think about this year. It's things I'm

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noticing when I go and read all of your comments in phase three, and men, you too. Amal and

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I have hung out with the men, so I know this. So some of you are grabbing a pen, giving

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you a moment to do that. Sandy Aycock, you are having a good hair night, and you have

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a beautiful glow on your face. I don't know if the light's just perfectly shining on you.

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I just thought I would tell you that. See, y'all, lighting is key. I'm just telling you.

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Lighting is key. Okay. All right. So the first thing that I've seen this is, oh, Brandon,

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I don't know much about the hair washing schedule. It's a thing. It's a thing. Because I have

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naturally super curly hair, which looks really cute wet, but the drier it gets, it starts

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to turn into a big frizz ball. So I have to do all the things, and I try to avoid doing

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my hair from scratch as much as possible. And we women have learned the art of how much

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dry shampoo we can actually put in our hair before it's time to wash again. Okay. Anyway,

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so that hopefully gave you enough time to go get a paper and pen. The first thing you're

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gonna do is you are going to stop. So don't. Don't own negative labels. Don't own negative

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labels. I see this all the time in the Facebook feed. I'm almost sad that we did the attachment

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style stuff because you guys are like, I'm an anxious attachment. I'm gonna avoid it.

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I don't want you to do the I am. You are allowed to say something like, in the past, I have

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been anxious, or I have avoided. But you're gonna remove the I am, or I was from these

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titles. You are an image bearer of Christ. You are a adopted child of the Most High.

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You have the inheritance of a kingdom. You are redeemed and restored. That is who you

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are. Your ENFP, I mean, your Myers-Briggs, your Enneagram, your attachment style, you

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guys, those are an assessment of how you are in a moment in time, maybe without therapy.

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And so just because you were or exhibited some of those behaviors doesn't mean you need

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to claim it in today. So I'm just gonna just stop it. Stop it. Like I just made me cry

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because I'm just seeing you guys own it so much. You are healed and you are whole. And

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so yes, like when we're stressed and tired, do you, does an anxious probably lean back

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into anxious or an avoided lean back in it? Sure. But that doesn't mean it has to take

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claim over your future anymore. So that's the first one. Second one, when you're like

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not sure if he or she is the one, or here's my sentence, if you are confused, he or she

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is not for you. If you are confused, he or she is not for you. Put your main energy into

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the people in your life. You guys, and this is true for your friends at work, your friends

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at church, your friends in general. I want you to be purposeful with the people in your

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life this year. If they confuse you, if they drain you, if you feel exhausted when you

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leave them, if you feel stressed, then you leave them. These people don't need to be

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in your life. Um, so you want to make sure you have people in your life that are clear.

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They have healthy boundaries. They ask for what they need. There is a fair take and give

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and anybody else gets backburnered or booted out. So y'all, I spent way too many, like

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I think Melissa Dawn asked me this, like, what would you do differently? I would have

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not wasted so many time analyzing text messages from men. I mean, stop it. Like if you are

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confused, they are not for you. Number three, be out there. Now I know some of you are like,

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I hate online dating. I know I do.

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too. Y'all, I mean, I would have bet my last dollar that I was not going to meet my husband

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online. And, you know, so God had the funny last laugh with me on that. So be out there

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unless you are on an intentional pause from dating, like you've got to do heart healing,

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you're having a health issue, you're going, you went through a breakup, that's different.

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But if you are not on an intentional breakup, I want you out there. If it's not online,

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I want you to be seen somewhere. It's a coffee shop, at a restaurant, volunteering, at church.

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I want you not staring down at your phone. And I want you to get out there every day.

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Think of find one person to compliment, one person to say hello to, like make that your goal

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every day. Lord, show me two people that need a smile today, two people that I need to compliment.

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Y'all, when I walk into Walgreens, I don't know, people are so depressed in Walgreens.

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I always make sure I try to compliment people, like think about the DMV. You know how everyone's

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always grumpy at the DMV? Find somebody at the DMV to go compliment. And so make sure that you

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just are get out there. So that's number three, be out there. Number four, pick one or two things

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that you're going after this year that you're going to accomplish. I mean, something that you

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are excited about. Go take golf lessons, go learn how to speak Italian, go take a cooking class.

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I don't care. Pick up a book, publish the book, start school, paint a painting, learn how to crochet.

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I don't care what it is, y'all. Find one thing, one thing that, thank you so much, Cheryl.

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I will make you my co-host. I will find you in just a second. Okay, so find something, you guys.

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I don't want anybody leaving this year ho-hum, like I didn't find my person, my life's awful.

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You guys, I was in this program for four years before Brian came on the scene, and I'm so glad

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I found other things to give me joy in the waiting. Because my suspicion is he met a happier,

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healthier, more outgoing person. And so because I had that good energy, I was putting it out into

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the universe. Okay, number five, do not linger with texting. Some of you, like, you linger.

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Don't linger. That's my answer. Don't linger. Whether it's at phase one, phase two, or level three,

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like, don't linger. Like, it's been three months and we're still texting. Move it along, people.

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Move it along. You're either going to start moving to videos or in-person dates, or you're going to

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move it along. Now, here's the thing, you guys. Like, don't make this big fanfare. Like, oh my gosh,

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you're not getting back to me. I'm not going to talk to you anymore. Just stop talking to them.

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Just stop. You know how, like, people make the announcement, oh, I'm going off Facebook,

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everybody. Well, why? Just go. Just go take a break from Facebook. We don't need to announce it.

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So, if somebody's like, like, Renee, I dropped the hanky, I try to get it to a video, move it along.

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I'm not saying you delete it. There was times I left people in the queue, because they might

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change their mind at some point. But I personally moved on. I mentally moved on. Number six,

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because I saw this this week, don't feel rushed to be exclusive. Just say you are enjoying getting

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to know a perfect stranger. You guys, this is not like when we were in our 20s or 20 years ago,

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when you would see people at work and at church and at the club or at the gym, and you would talk

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to them three or four months before you go out on the first date. At this point, you're meeting

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perfect strangers. So, it is okay to take time to get to know a perfect stranger. Now, we'll say,

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ladies and gents, if you are staying at level two, then don't do level three behavior. And I'm not

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just saying the kissing and the cuddling. Y'all know what that is. What is going to make your

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heart pitter patter? It could be praying. For some of you, praying is too intimate for level two.

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And so, think about, I always say, think about what puts the blinders on. What's going to put

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the rose-colored glasses on? What action would make you really bummed if you don't ever talk

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to that person again? So, if you share information or do an activity that's intimate, and all of a

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sudden, you don't hear from them anymore, then you probably brought in level three stuff to a level

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two relationship. Obviously, once you get to level three, if it ends, we're going to be hurt.

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And my last one, it's really back to the very first one. See, I start and ended with the same

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thing. Speak positively of yourself to yourself. Speak positively of yourself.

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to yourself, and I mean out loud.

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Did you guys not know the enemy cannot read your mind?

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He can't.

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He can throw a little shade up at you

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and have you seep on in, but he can't read your mind.

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So if you're praying in the quiet

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and you're saying good stuff in the quiet,

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I want you to start declaring stuff out loud.

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I don't care if you have to like put a Post-it

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and to tell yourself something good.

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So don't own negative labels.

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If you're confused or not for you, get out there,

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pick something you're going after this year

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that's not just dating.

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Don't linger.

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Don't feel rushed.

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Speak positively about yourself.

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Okay.

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That's my, that is my five second.

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That's my, oh, 10 minute.

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That's my 10 minute training with y'all.

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Okay, so while I'm waiting for people to raise their hand,

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and I will say this.

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If what I said tonight just jogged a bunch of stuff

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and you're like, yeah, I don't even know what to do

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with what you just said, then ask me about it.

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These are, this is relationship.

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All right, Cheryl, where did you go?

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Eh, I lost you.

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Oh, I did make you co-host.

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Oh, I did.

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Okay, perfect.

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All right, you're already my co-host.

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Okay, Rachel, you are first up, you brave soul.

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I love it.

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What you got?

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Okay, I'm gonna do my best to articulate this succinctly,

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but I've been seeing this guy in person dates

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for a little over a month.

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Okay.

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He is a walking green flag.

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He's wonderful, but I feel a resistance in my spirit.

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And what I've noticed is that he kind of stopped asking

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intentional questions after the first one or two dates.

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And now it's just like hangs and expected,

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like we're gonna, like we expect

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that we're gonna do something.

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And then we go to the same church.

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So did he already move you to the girlfriend status?

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Is that what happened?

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This is what I'm trying to say.

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I feel uncomfortable because I feel like we have gone

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to a place of exclusivity in public

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without him initiating that conversation.

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Yeah.

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And now we're going to the same church

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and like hanging out with friends who know both of us

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and they're calling us a couple

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and it just makes me super uncomfortable

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and I don't want to self abandon.

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So I don't really know.

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So why don't you just have a conversation with him?

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I think it's okay to say, here's the thing you guys,

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this is not a DTR.

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We don't have to make it like a big thing.

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Like, I think it's really okay for you to,

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what's his name?

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Do you mind?

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We'll just say Joe, we'll just say Joe.

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I don't want you to forget to say his name.

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His name is Joe.

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You know what?

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I really enjoy hanging out with you.

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I have to be honest and maybe it's just me,

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but I kind of feel like we've kind of rolled

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into this pattern without us, you know,

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really kind of figuring out if this is where we want to be.

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And I'm just, you know, I'm in a season in my life

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where I'm trying to be much more intentional

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about the friends that I make,

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about the activities I do and the person that I'm dating.

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So this may seem crazy, but I just want to check in with you

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and like, kind of like, I feel like,

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or just share how I'm feeling.

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Like, I kind of feel like we've moved

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to this very nonchalant place

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and I don't want to not be intentional.

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That's, I mean, I would use the word intentional.

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I'm trying to be really intentional with my time

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and I'm trying to be purposeful.

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And I know that sometimes I don't want our dating

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to just turn into hanging.

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Like if we're dating, I want it to be intentional.

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Are we, you know, getting to know each other?

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And, or you could say, like,

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did you guys always used to go to the same church?

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Yes, I'm new to this city.

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So I just started going,

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but we've known each other

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through mutual friends a little bit.

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I think what makes me the most uncomfortable

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is besides the lack of intentionality there,

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cause he's really intentional with dates,

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but just the curiosity and like getting to know my heart

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instead of just being around me.

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Why don't you just say that?

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You know what, just say right, you know, just say, Joe,

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something I really enjoyed about you

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when we were first getting to know each other

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is that we were intentionally trying to learn more

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about each other.

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And I've noticed that we've kind of slipped in

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into just hanging out.

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And I just, I feel like there's so much more

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for us to learn about each other.

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Do you mind if we put some intentionality,

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intentional conversation back into our time together?

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Okay.

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00:14:45.560 --> 00:14:47.040
And then I have one more question to tie that up.

221
00:14:47.040 --> 00:14:48.400
Does that help?

222
00:14:48.400 --> 00:14:49.880
It does.

223
00:14:49.880 --> 00:14:53.440
I'm still feeling the reservation of like,

224
00:14:53.440 --> 00:14:56.960
I don't know if we have the alignment to move forward,

225
00:14:56.960 --> 00:14:59.960
but because we know all the same people.

226
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:02.960
I'm wondering if it does turn into a no.

227
00:15:02.960 --> 00:15:03.960
How do I...

228
00:15:03.960 --> 00:15:04.960
Exit.

229
00:15:04.960 --> 00:15:07.000
How do I cut that off with grace?

230
00:15:07.000 --> 00:15:08.000
Yeah.

231
00:15:08.000 --> 00:15:13.960
And you guys, and that's why, and that's why you really want to be careful at this stage

232
00:15:13.960 --> 00:15:18.200
that you're not like holding hands, that you're not making out.

233
00:15:18.200 --> 00:15:22.920
You're not doing what I would call like girlfriend, boyfriend activity, right?

234
00:15:22.920 --> 00:15:25.560
So, because if you are doing that, you are kind of dating.

235
00:15:25.560 --> 00:15:30.040
So even if you are, say you're at level two, level three, and you're there, how do you

236
00:15:30.040 --> 00:15:33.360
break up with somebody in community so that you do it kindly?

237
00:15:33.360 --> 00:15:35.880
That's a good question to answer.

238
00:15:35.880 --> 00:15:39.760
Joe, I've really enjoyed getting to know you.

239
00:15:39.760 --> 00:15:44.360
Obviously, in this early stage, there's so much for us to unpack and learn about each

240
00:15:44.360 --> 00:15:50.960
other and our beliefs, our goals, and our purpose, and learn our personalities.

241
00:15:50.960 --> 00:15:59.440
And I've learned how amazing you are, but I actually feel like this relationship isn't

242
00:15:59.440 --> 00:16:03.360
going to bring out the best in both of us, or this is not a relationship I want to pursue

243
00:16:03.360 --> 00:16:06.720
romantically anymore, but I still want to remain friends.

244
00:16:06.720 --> 00:16:12.000
I know that we're still in community, and so however we need to be in front of each

245
00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:17.040
other in community that you feel safe, that's what I'll be willing to honor.

246
00:16:17.040 --> 00:16:22.160
If it means that we sit on opposite ends, if it means we don't say hello for a while,

247
00:16:22.160 --> 00:16:24.120
I want to do what feels comfortable for you.

248
00:16:24.120 --> 00:16:28.480
I've enjoyed getting to know you, but I'm at the point now where I don't want to continue

249
00:16:28.480 --> 00:16:31.600
pursuing this as a romantic relationship.

250
00:16:31.600 --> 00:16:32.800
Okay.

251
00:16:32.800 --> 00:16:33.800
Does that help?

252
00:16:33.800 --> 00:16:34.800
Yeah, that's helpful.

253
00:16:34.800 --> 00:16:38.800
Or some version of that, but just say, look, look, I know we share the same space, and

254
00:16:38.800 --> 00:16:40.520
I want to respect you.

255
00:16:40.520 --> 00:16:45.560
So however much we need to interact or not, I'll take your lead.

256
00:16:45.560 --> 00:16:46.560
Okay.

257
00:16:47.080 --> 00:16:48.080
That's really helpful.

258
00:16:48.080 --> 00:16:49.080
Okay.

259
00:16:49.080 --> 00:16:50.080
Does that help?

260
00:16:50.080 --> 00:16:51.080
Let's hope it doesn't have to come to that, but-

261
00:16:51.080 --> 00:16:52.080
Let's hope it doesn't.

262
00:16:52.080 --> 00:16:53.080
Thank you.

263
00:16:53.080 --> 00:16:54.080
And so here's the thing.

264
00:16:54.080 --> 00:16:56.720
It's okay that you don't know one month in.

265
00:16:56.720 --> 00:16:58.040
It's okay.

266
00:16:58.040 --> 00:17:00.280
You're just getting to know somebody.

267
00:17:00.280 --> 00:17:02.200
So you don't know until you know.

268
00:17:02.200 --> 00:17:03.200
Yeah.

269
00:17:03.200 --> 00:17:08.119
Right now, it's a yes until it's a no, but I think it is okay for you to say, hey, I

270
00:17:08.119 --> 00:17:12.040
really enjoy how intentional we were with the kinds of questions that we are finding

271
00:17:12.040 --> 00:17:13.040
out.

272
00:17:13.040 --> 00:17:15.560
I know it'd be so easy to just slip into hanging.

273
00:17:15.560 --> 00:17:18.760
Do you mind if we bring some of that kind of conversation back?

274
00:17:18.760 --> 00:17:19.760
Yeah.

275
00:17:19.760 --> 00:17:20.760
That's good.

276
00:17:20.760 --> 00:17:22.640
And then we are hand-holding.

277
00:17:22.640 --> 00:17:32.200
He took my hand the first date, but I think it ties into the discomfort with the no DTR

278
00:17:32.200 --> 00:17:38.880
because now we're hanging out in front of friends, and it doesn't feel so anonymous.

279
00:17:38.880 --> 00:17:39.880
So yeah, that's-

280
00:17:39.880 --> 00:17:40.880
Yeah.

281
00:17:40.880 --> 00:17:42.480
I mean, that's your discomfort.

282
00:17:42.480 --> 00:17:44.120
It's incongruent right now.

283
00:17:44.120 --> 00:17:45.120
Yeah.

284
00:17:45.680 --> 00:17:46.680
Exactly.

285
00:17:46.680 --> 00:17:47.680
Okay.

286
00:17:47.680 --> 00:17:50.520
And at some point, if you feel comfortable, you can say, hey, I feel like we're being

287
00:17:50.520 --> 00:17:55.760
a little incongruent, like our actions are kind of getting ahead of where I think we

288
00:17:55.760 --> 00:17:56.760
are.

289
00:17:56.760 --> 00:17:57.760
That's really good.

290
00:17:57.760 --> 00:18:02.160
And so because we are in, congruent is a really good word to use, you guys.

291
00:18:02.160 --> 00:18:03.800
It doesn't sound offensive.

292
00:18:03.800 --> 00:18:09.840
I feel like what we're saying and the pace that we're going at here isn't matching this.

293
00:18:09.840 --> 00:18:15.300
And especially because we are in a shared community, I don't want to put us in a position

294
00:18:15.300 --> 00:18:18.760
that either one of us would later feel uncomfortable about.

295
00:18:18.760 --> 00:18:19.760
That's really good.

296
00:18:19.760 --> 00:18:20.760
Thank you, Renee.

297
00:18:20.760 --> 00:18:21.760
You bet, sweetie.

298
00:18:21.760 --> 00:18:22.760
Pat McLeod.

299
00:18:22.760 --> 00:18:23.760
Hey.

300
00:18:23.760 --> 00:18:24.760
What?

301
00:18:24.760 --> 00:18:25.760
Okay.

302
00:18:25.760 --> 00:18:26.760
We're on.

303
00:18:26.760 --> 00:18:27.760
Can you hear me all right?

304
00:18:27.760 --> 00:18:28.760
I can.

305
00:18:28.760 --> 00:18:29.760
Okay.

306
00:18:29.760 --> 00:18:30.760
You know, you're my favorite coach.

307
00:18:30.760 --> 00:18:31.760
Am I?

308
00:18:31.760 --> 00:18:32.760
Well, I mean-

309
00:18:32.760 --> 00:18:33.760
I'm always thinking-

310
00:18:33.760 --> 00:18:34.760
I mean, check is in the mail, sister.

311
00:18:34.760 --> 00:18:35.760
Okay.

312
00:18:35.760 --> 00:18:46.760
So, and I'm always like, and by the way, I'm loving, you know, everybody else's input too,

313
00:18:46.760 --> 00:18:48.160
because it's just great.

314
00:18:48.160 --> 00:18:49.160
Amen.

315
00:18:49.160 --> 00:18:51.840
You know, the back and forth.

316
00:18:51.840 --> 00:18:57.400
And I will say that so many times I encourage myself by thinking about you and what you've

317
00:18:57.400 --> 00:18:58.640
been through.

318
00:18:58.640 --> 00:19:00.920
So just a quick question.

319
00:19:00.920 --> 00:19:05.400
When you were talking about, and I love all the different points that you gave, but point

320
00:19:06.040 --> 00:19:11.960
number two, you said if you're confused, they're not for you.

321
00:19:11.960 --> 00:19:17.160
But then there's also, you know, the idea of it's a yes until it's a no.

322
00:19:17.160 --> 00:19:18.160
So-

323
00:19:18.160 --> 00:19:21.480
I'm glad you're asking me to clarify that because it's a yes until it's a no.

324
00:19:21.480 --> 00:19:22.480
It's different.

325
00:19:22.480 --> 00:19:26.000
Like I'm really getting to know him and her.

326
00:19:26.000 --> 00:19:28.040
I'm really enjoying my time.

327
00:19:28.040 --> 00:19:31.160
I know that I want to see them again tomorrow.

328
00:19:31.160 --> 00:19:33.400
I don't know if I want to be married to them.

329
00:19:34.000 --> 00:19:42.760
That is really different than, he texted me, then he ghosted me, then he held my hand,

330
00:19:42.760 --> 00:19:44.240
but then he was seeing other people.

331
00:19:44.240 --> 00:19:45.240
Yes, yes.

332
00:19:45.240 --> 00:19:51.960
I'm talking about you're getting conflicting information, or I really want to see you,

333
00:19:51.960 --> 00:19:55.880
but I'm giving you every excuse why I can't meet you in person.

334
00:19:55.880 --> 00:19:57.680
Right, right, right.

335
00:19:57.680 --> 00:19:59.080
Does he really like me?

336
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:02.720
Oh my gosh, you guys, this is how crazy I was

337
00:20:02.720 --> 00:20:04.880
before I joined the program.

338
00:20:04.880 --> 00:20:08.240
I literally used to Google, does he like you more or less

339
00:20:08.240 --> 00:20:12.760
if it's okay or just K at the end of a response?

340
00:20:12.760 --> 00:20:14.160
Do you know what I'm saying?

341
00:20:14.160 --> 00:20:17.520
Like, oh my gosh, he said this.

342
00:20:17.520 --> 00:20:20.120
I wonder what, you know, this thing means.

343
00:20:20.120 --> 00:20:22.280
Like, you know what I'm trying to say.

344
00:20:22.280 --> 00:20:24.600
The behavior is erratic.

345
00:20:24.600 --> 00:20:25.440
Yes.

346
00:20:25.440 --> 00:20:27.040
They're not being clear.

347
00:20:27.040 --> 00:20:29.320
That's different than it's a yes until it's a no.

348
00:20:29.360 --> 00:20:31.160
So I'm glad you asked me to clarify that.

349
00:20:31.160 --> 00:20:34.440
And actually, I'm glad that you gave that example

350
00:20:34.440 --> 00:20:37.080
because I've been in touch with a guy.

351
00:20:37.080 --> 00:20:39.080
We've been on the phone and texted

352
00:20:39.080 --> 00:20:40.840
and we'll have these great conversations.

353
00:20:40.840 --> 00:20:43.360
And all of a sudden he's gone for like three

354
00:20:43.360 --> 00:20:45.080
or four or five days.

355
00:20:45.080 --> 00:20:47.960
And this has happened like three times in a row

356
00:20:48.840 --> 00:20:51.600
since we just started connecting.

357
00:20:51.600 --> 00:20:54.840
And so it's like, it's so much of a roller coaster.

358
00:20:54.840 --> 00:20:58.040
It's like you said, you know, you kind of have to move on

359
00:20:58.040 --> 00:20:58.880
in your mind.

360
00:20:59.440 --> 00:21:02.160
You have to kind of just put that in a,

361
00:21:02.160 --> 00:21:05.560
like keep a distance, you know?

362
00:21:05.560 --> 00:21:08.480
And so I don't, you know, I'm not gonna like,

363
00:21:08.480 --> 00:21:09.760
what do you call it?

364
00:21:09.760 --> 00:21:13.400
Reject the guy at this point, but I'm not gonna jump.

365
00:21:13.400 --> 00:21:15.200
I just had to put a guard on my heart.

366
00:21:15.200 --> 00:21:17.320
So, yeah.

367
00:21:17.320 --> 00:21:19.240
To your point, Brandon said something nice

368
00:21:19.240 --> 00:21:21.000
and really good to point.

369
00:21:21.000 --> 00:21:24.760
He said, I would say, always give a little grace

370
00:21:24.760 --> 00:21:27.560
for guys who often don't know the art of pursuing a woman

371
00:21:27.600 --> 00:21:29.400
but are willing to learn.

372
00:21:29.400 --> 00:21:32.520
It's when it becomes clear that he doesn't wanna learn,

373
00:21:32.520 --> 00:21:34.160
then it's time to get out.

374
00:21:34.160 --> 00:21:36.840
I think that's a really important thing to remember.

375
00:21:36.840 --> 00:21:40.560
And you guys, there's a lot of attack on masculinity

376
00:21:40.560 --> 00:21:44.840
right now out in the world, especially white masculinity.

377
00:21:44.840 --> 00:21:46.440
And so a lot of men just freaked out

378
00:21:46.440 --> 00:21:47.880
and they just don't even know what they're supposed

379
00:21:47.880 --> 00:21:49.240
to do anymore.

380
00:21:49.240 --> 00:21:51.720
And so we have to kind of give signals

381
00:21:51.720 --> 00:21:54.560
that we like what we're seeing, what we need.

382
00:21:54.560 --> 00:21:59.280
I probably, you know, I would love to tell you

383
00:21:59.280 --> 00:22:00.840
that Brian does everything perfectly.

384
00:22:00.840 --> 00:22:03.920
He does a lot of things amazingly, but he's also,

385
00:22:03.920 --> 00:22:04.800
like, I'm a coach.

386
00:22:04.800 --> 00:22:05.760
I can't help myself.

387
00:22:05.760 --> 00:22:08.200
I just coach, but coaching is different.

388
00:22:08.200 --> 00:22:10.960
Coaching is motivating somebody to do something.

389
00:22:10.960 --> 00:22:13.120
It's not telling them what to do.

390
00:22:13.120 --> 00:22:14.240
Right, right, right.

391
00:22:14.240 --> 00:22:15.880
You gotta coach it along.

392
00:22:15.880 --> 00:22:17.120
Yeah, right.

393
00:22:18.320 --> 00:22:20.160
But I'm glad you brought that up, Brandon.

394
00:22:20.160 --> 00:22:21.120
Does that help, girl?

395
00:22:21.120 --> 00:22:22.280
You good?

396
00:22:22.280 --> 00:22:23.120
Yep, very good.

397
00:22:23.120 --> 00:22:23.960
Thank you.

398
00:22:23.960 --> 00:22:24.920
All right, Sarah Beth.

399
00:22:26.000 --> 00:22:26.920
Hello, Renee.

400
00:22:26.920 --> 00:22:28.240
Sorry, the lighting.

401
00:22:28.240 --> 00:22:30.640
My son is in practice and I'm in the car, so.

402
00:22:30.640 --> 00:22:32.200
No worries.

403
00:22:32.200 --> 00:22:33.320
So it's good to see you.

404
00:22:33.320 --> 00:22:38.320
I have a situation that I wanna bring to the table

405
00:22:38.320 --> 00:22:40.280
and get your take on it.

406
00:22:42.440 --> 00:22:45.200
First of all, my dating experience has been,

407
00:22:45.200 --> 00:22:49.800
it's been a very frustrating and long and very weary one.

408
00:22:49.800 --> 00:22:53.000
Okay, so I'm coming from that perspective.

409
00:22:53.080 --> 00:22:56.400
Been about three years and like literally, you know, nothing.

410
00:22:56.400 --> 00:22:58.440
I was married for a while and all of that.

411
00:22:58.440 --> 00:23:02.160
So I connected with a guy on Saturday.

412
00:23:02.160 --> 00:23:04.800
We had a video call on Sunday.

413
00:23:04.800 --> 00:23:08.800
He contacted me through Facebook dating.

414
00:23:08.800 --> 00:23:13.440
So we had a really good conversation.

415
00:23:13.440 --> 00:23:18.000
He, you know, I found out like he's a preacher,

416
00:23:18.000 --> 00:23:19.760
like motivational speaker.

417
00:23:19.760 --> 00:23:22.400
He really knows the Lord.

418
00:23:22.400 --> 00:23:23.800
Just really knowledgeable.

419
00:23:23.800 --> 00:23:25.080
He's very interesting.

420
00:23:25.080 --> 00:23:28.120
He's owned businesses, sold businesses, you know.

421
00:23:28.120 --> 00:23:32.760
He was an Arian and he just is fun to talk to.

422
00:23:32.760 --> 00:23:36.880
And he also was, you know, he was really handsome.

423
00:23:36.880 --> 00:23:39.840
And, you know, at the end of our conversation,

424
00:23:39.840 --> 00:23:44.840
he was like, well, do you mind if I say a quick prayer

425
00:23:44.840 --> 00:23:49.840
and we can, you know, like, I was like, okay.

426
00:23:49.840 --> 00:23:53.520
And I don't over-spiritualize things like that.

427
00:23:53.520 --> 00:23:55.880
I mean, to me, it was just a quick prayer.

428
00:23:55.880 --> 00:23:58.320
I said a few words, fine, you know, whatever.

429
00:23:58.320 --> 00:24:01.560
So anyway, later on that day,

430
00:24:01.560 --> 00:24:04.200
we kind of talked a little bit more about our situation.

431
00:24:04.200 --> 00:24:05.600
He does have a son.

432
00:24:05.600 --> 00:24:09.080
I have three sons and he lives in Cincinnati.

433
00:24:09.080 --> 00:24:10.400
I live in Virginia.

434
00:24:10.400 --> 00:24:13.240
And so there's about a five hour or so difference

435
00:24:13.240 --> 00:24:14.840
between the two of us, okay.

436
00:24:16.360 --> 00:24:19.560
It seems like the people that I meet, it's just distance.

437
00:24:20.400 --> 00:24:22.640
I mean, that's just how it goes for me

438
00:24:22.640 --> 00:24:24.400
because of where I live.

439
00:24:24.400 --> 00:24:26.280
There's just not, you know, a lot of people.

440
00:24:26.280 --> 00:24:31.280
So anyway, we had talked again, like Sunday night.

441
00:24:31.920 --> 00:24:35.640
He asked if I had a few moments to talk again

442
00:24:35.640 --> 00:24:37.000
and I was like, sure.

443
00:24:37.000 --> 00:24:41.200
And so we were just kind of like, I don't know, you know,

444
00:24:41.200 --> 00:24:44.720
how, because he does have majority custody of his son

445
00:24:44.720 --> 00:24:49.320
and he has like the rights to make decisions

446
00:24:50.000 --> 00:24:53.040
over, you know, schooling and medical and, you know,

447
00:24:53.040 --> 00:24:53.880
all of that.

448
00:24:53.880 --> 00:24:58.880
But, you know, we were just like, how could, you know,

449
00:24:59.000 --> 00:25:00.440
cause I'm in a co-parenting.

450
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:08.640
situation. And and so anyway, we were kind of talking through that. And so then Monday,

451
00:25:08.640 --> 00:25:15.120
he was just I mean, he's been very kind and very respectful. But he's really interested in me.

452
00:25:16.080 --> 00:25:25.600
And I'm really interested in him. And so he he is he was like, you are I want you to know,

453
00:25:25.600 --> 00:25:31.840
regardless of what happens, like you are absolutely worth pursuing. And he and I mean,

454
00:25:31.840 --> 00:25:39.680
really, like he's, he's like, he's pretty great. Right. And so he's wanting to come see me.

455
00:25:41.040 --> 00:25:48.560
And tentatively, we talked about next week. And, and so, you know, I want to,

456
00:25:50.880 --> 00:25:54.800
I definitely want to guard my heart. I feel like the Lord has taught me a lot over the last

457
00:25:55.360 --> 00:25:59.600
three, three and a half years of, you know, struggling through all of the

458
00:26:00.880 --> 00:26:07.040
all of the things. And, and I think that we see something really like unique, because I mean,

459
00:26:07.040 --> 00:26:12.480
I'm looking for something really specific, right? I mean, I was a worship leader for 12 years and

460
00:26:13.760 --> 00:26:19.840
somebody who has a strong leadership capability, who, who, you know, really loves the Lord,

461
00:26:19.840 --> 00:26:26.080
follows the Lord. And, and, and so anyway, we don't, we don't really have a lot of answers as

462
00:26:26.080 --> 00:26:35.520
far as how it can work moving forward. And, and so am I back up? How old are your kids?

463
00:26:35.520 --> 00:26:42.000
So my I have three sons, and I have twins who are 15. And I have an 11 year old.

464
00:26:42.000 --> 00:26:46.320
Okay. And do you have to stay where you are until they're 18?

465
00:26:46.880 --> 00:26:54.560
Well, that is not in our paperwork, but it, it was, you know, when we were in court,

466
00:26:54.560 --> 00:27:00.960
that was something that was brought up in court was that, like, you know, they asked their dad,

467
00:27:00.960 --> 00:27:04.960
well, you're not planning on moving out of the area or anything like that. He's like, no. And

468
00:27:04.960 --> 00:27:09.680
of course they asked me like, you're not planning on moving out of the area, you know? And, and so

469
00:27:09.680 --> 00:27:15.360
like, I guess for me, you know, in good conscience, like I could not, you know,

470
00:27:15.360 --> 00:27:19.600
fight to take my kids out of the area away from their father. I just wouldn't think that that,

471
00:27:20.320 --> 00:27:30.000
you know, for me, is he, is he able to transplant? I think that that's the thing that I'm not

472
00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:40.160
entirely sure of because I don't think it would be easy if that, you know, could be a possibility,

473
00:27:41.680 --> 00:27:48.080
you know? So this is, this is a really good question because normally for a first date,

474
00:27:48.080 --> 00:27:52.560
we wouldn't be having this much analysis, right? Like you've only had one video call,

475
00:27:52.560 --> 00:27:58.880
but what you mean? Okay. Yeah. But you haven't seen each other in person yet. So like,

476
00:27:58.880 --> 00:28:04.080
can he move and stuff? Normally you wouldn't be thinking that far out, but you have children. And

477
00:28:04.080 --> 00:28:12.880
if, and Jackie always says, if you can't move and he can't move, don't even put yourself through the,

478
00:28:12.880 --> 00:28:20.880
the pain of it. Yeah. But if there is a window that either one of you could move, because

479
00:28:21.760 --> 00:28:27.200
Sarah Beth, if your person is five hours away, if it's not in your divorce, I mean, you do

480
00:28:27.200 --> 00:28:33.040
co-parent and I know Jackie isn't like taking people away from their father, but you don't,

481
00:28:33.040 --> 00:28:41.200
that's the part, like, if there's a potential that it could work, I would say the fact that

482
00:28:41.200 --> 00:28:47.920
he wants to come see you and be intentional about it. I love that because why, because you do have

483
00:28:47.920 --> 00:28:55.600
kids, why do this video thing for weeks on end, get your heart all in this digital love fest.

484
00:28:56.320 --> 00:29:01.760
And then me and either it'd be amazing and you go, whatever. So I like that you're going to meet.

485
00:29:01.760 --> 00:29:08.720
And I, if he's willing to come see you girl, I say, do it. If it's been a while for you and he's

486
00:29:08.720 --> 00:29:13.520
willing. And you know what the thing is, you don't know. I mean, I remember, I mean, it's not the

487
00:29:13.520 --> 00:29:20.560
same, but I remember when I first met Brian, he had three jobs. I was in school and he lived three

488
00:29:20.560 --> 00:29:24.560
and a half hours away. And I kept saying, how on earth are we going to find time today? Like,

489
00:29:25.040 --> 00:29:31.520
the math's not mathing. And he goes, I think you're worth pursuing and I'll be intentional.

490
00:29:31.520 --> 00:29:36.960
And in my head, I would have never known it was going to include this, this, this, and this. Like

491
00:29:36.960 --> 00:29:43.840
in my head, I wouldn't have been able to, but the Lord just orchestrated it. So you're going to

492
00:29:43.840 --> 00:29:47.680
meet. And I do like the idea of you meeting sooner than later, because I could tell you guys get

493
00:29:47.680 --> 00:29:53.520
really excited about each other if you keep talking on videos. So being in person is going

494
00:29:53.520 --> 00:29:59.760
to really help set the tempo for y'all. And, but let me.

495
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:02.500
I encourage you that when he does come to visit you

496
00:30:02.500 --> 00:30:05.740
and while you're talking to him between now and the visit,

497
00:30:05.740 --> 00:30:09.380
still try to stay very present with him.

498
00:30:09.380 --> 00:30:11.040
Do not dig up your past.

499
00:30:11.040 --> 00:30:13.020
Do not talk about past marriages.

500
00:30:13.020 --> 00:30:14.900
Don't talk about your trauma.

501
00:30:14.900 --> 00:30:16.500
Don't trauma bond.

502
00:30:16.500 --> 00:30:20.100
Don't tell him what your dream is three years from now,

503
00:30:20.100 --> 00:30:22.100
how you wanna have a white picket fence,

504
00:30:22.100 --> 00:30:23.640
what's it gonna look like.

505
00:30:23.640 --> 00:30:26.500
Try both of you saying very present.

506
00:30:27.440 --> 00:30:28.400
Yeah.

507
00:30:28.400 --> 00:30:31.080
Ask, I mean, if you've seen me do single spotlight,

508
00:30:31.080 --> 00:30:33.640
I ask very fun, silly questions

509
00:30:33.640 --> 00:30:37.040
that let you learn really cool things about somebody

510
00:30:37.040 --> 00:30:40.680
in a very, so tell me, you know what I mean?

511
00:30:40.680 --> 00:30:44.400
So I would say, stay super present,

512
00:30:44.400 --> 00:30:48.800
let him come see you and take it one day at a time.

513
00:30:48.800 --> 00:30:51.520
If at any point in the story,

514
00:30:51.520 --> 00:30:54.520
you feel like the risk and or the cost

515
00:30:54.540 --> 00:30:56.860
of relocating for either one of you guys,

516
00:30:56.860 --> 00:30:58.980
like I feel like you guys always need to kind of,

517
00:30:58.980 --> 00:31:01.060
but I would love to see you guys

518
00:31:01.060 --> 00:31:05.620
have your first in-person date without thinking about that.

519
00:31:05.620 --> 00:31:08.460
Going, we're not even gonna talk about what does this mean?

520
00:31:08.460 --> 00:31:09.780
Who's gonna move it?

521
00:31:09.780 --> 00:31:10.740
No.

522
00:31:10.740 --> 00:31:12.580
That is not first date conversation.

523
00:31:12.580 --> 00:31:13.420
You know what?

524
00:31:13.420 --> 00:31:14.240
We're just gonna go on a date

525
00:31:14.240 --> 00:31:15.080
and see if we even like each other

526
00:31:15.080 --> 00:31:16.460
to see if we wanna set up a date.

527
00:31:16.460 --> 00:31:17.300
That's what I'm talking about.

528
00:31:17.300 --> 00:31:18.580
We'll go on a date to see if we,

529
00:31:18.580 --> 00:31:22.700
but how you can keep yourself paced correctly

530
00:31:22.700 --> 00:31:23.920
is just stay present,

531
00:31:23.920 --> 00:31:26.200
stay in the present with your conversations.

532
00:31:26.200 --> 00:31:27.360
Yeah, that's really good.

533
00:31:27.360 --> 00:31:28.600
I appreciate that.

534
00:31:28.600 --> 00:31:32.100
He is a very like deep thinker.

535
00:31:32.100 --> 00:31:36.840
And so his, I can tell he likes to, you know,

536
00:31:36.840 --> 00:31:39.880
talk deeply, ask deep questions and that kind of thing.

537
00:31:39.880 --> 00:31:43.080
And then last night, I mean, it was kind of a little joke.

538
00:31:43.080 --> 00:31:45.680
I was like, all right, let's rein it back in, you know?

539
00:31:45.680 --> 00:31:48.160
And we kind of got, I mean, that's like my personal,

540
00:31:48.160 --> 00:31:50.120
let's rein it back in, let's, you know?

541
00:31:50.120 --> 00:31:53.700
And so then he did get a laugh out of that

542
00:31:53.700 --> 00:31:55.500
and he likes my personality.

543
00:31:55.500 --> 00:31:57.060
And so anyway, I just-

544
00:31:57.060 --> 00:31:57.900
Well, of course he does.

545
00:31:57.900 --> 00:31:59.220
I mean, you're amazing.

546
00:31:59.220 --> 00:32:00.860
Well, thank you.

547
00:32:00.860 --> 00:32:02.420
And I mean, and here's the thing, you guys,

548
00:32:02.420 --> 00:32:04.340
like I kept doing that with Brian too.

549
00:32:04.340 --> 00:32:05.820
Like he would have been exclusive

550
00:32:05.820 --> 00:32:08.180
after the first video date or whatever.

551
00:32:08.180 --> 00:32:09.580
I mean, he was like, I'm like,

552
00:32:09.580 --> 00:32:10.860
I'm not canceling anything yet.

553
00:32:10.860 --> 00:32:12.700
I still got my profile, all the things.

554
00:32:12.700 --> 00:32:14.940
And so he was just smart.

555
00:32:14.940 --> 00:32:17.160
And I just kept saying, whoa, they're buttercup.

556
00:32:17.160 --> 00:32:20.220
Like I did a lot of, whoa, they're buttercups.

557
00:32:20.220 --> 00:32:24.260
And so as long as you keep helping set the pace,

558
00:32:24.260 --> 00:32:26.580
keep staying in the present and keep us posted

559
00:32:26.580 --> 00:32:29.140
and I will be looking forward to hearing your update.

560
00:32:29.140 --> 00:32:29.980
Okay, perfect.

561
00:32:29.980 --> 00:32:30.820
I appreciate you.

562
00:32:30.820 --> 00:32:31.660
Thank you so much.

563
00:32:31.660 --> 00:32:32.500
You bet, sweetie.

564
00:32:32.500 --> 00:32:35.180
Susan, Susan Bennett.

565
00:32:35.180 --> 00:32:36.560
Hello, Renee.

566
00:32:37.620 --> 00:32:40.260
Hello, how are you, my friend?

567
00:32:40.260 --> 00:32:41.100
I'm good.

568
00:32:41.100 --> 00:32:44.140
I'm here in Arizona, so I'm sitting outside.

569
00:32:44.140 --> 00:32:45.700
It's very nice.

570
00:32:45.700 --> 00:32:46.540
So nice to see you.

571
00:32:46.880 --> 00:32:49.160
And I wanted to say, congratulations.

572
00:32:49.160 --> 00:32:50.480
I am so happy for you.

573
00:32:51.440 --> 00:32:54.840
Y'all, Susan randomly was driving across the country

574
00:32:54.840 --> 00:32:57.360
and showed up at my doorstep to make Christmas,

575
00:32:57.360 --> 00:32:58.480
was it Christmas cookies?

576
00:32:58.480 --> 00:32:59.800
I don't know, something.

577
00:32:59.800 --> 00:33:01.000
I spent the night and the next day

578
00:33:01.000 --> 00:33:02.560
you were making Christmas cookies.

579
00:33:02.560 --> 00:33:07.160
And was it two nights I spent the night with you?

580
00:33:07.160 --> 00:33:08.640
That's just how friendly I am.

581
00:33:08.640 --> 00:33:11.280
If you're passing through town, come find me.

582
00:33:11.280 --> 00:33:14.000
That's what I did when I had my house in Indianapolis.

583
00:33:14.000 --> 00:33:15.640
It was a revolving front door.

584
00:33:15.640 --> 00:33:17.620
People always spending the night.

585
00:33:17.620 --> 00:33:20.220
I mean, I had men spending the night,

586
00:33:20.220 --> 00:33:22.060
but I also had a four bedroom house.

587
00:33:22.060 --> 00:33:25.380
So, you know, it was just fun.

588
00:33:25.380 --> 00:33:27.340
Anyway, yeah, so that was really fun.

589
00:33:27.340 --> 00:33:28.740
Gosh, that was a couple of years ago.

590
00:33:28.740 --> 00:33:29.580
Wow.

591
00:33:29.580 --> 00:33:30.780
I know.

592
00:33:30.780 --> 00:33:32.820
Okay, so my question.

593
00:33:32.820 --> 00:33:34.780
All right, so I'm glad for this.

594
00:33:34.780 --> 00:33:38.180
I was very excited about this advanced coaching

595
00:33:39.900 --> 00:33:43.820
because I've been at this with Jackie for five years

596
00:33:44.720 --> 00:33:49.720
and I've had maybe five dates in five years.

597
00:33:51.760 --> 00:33:56.160
And I've been on dating sites

598
00:33:56.160 --> 00:34:01.160
and, you know, they all go nowhere.

599
00:34:02.440 --> 00:34:05.700
You know, all sorts of various characters, you know,

600
00:34:05.700 --> 00:34:09.679
guys with anger issues and guys with controlling issues.

601
00:34:09.679 --> 00:34:14.679
And so I, you know, I'm not really excited

602
00:34:15.780 --> 00:34:20.780
about starting back on apps for this new year.

603
00:34:22.860 --> 00:34:24.400
I really want to be coached.

604
00:34:24.400 --> 00:34:26.699
I was being very, I was feeling very discouraged.

605
00:34:26.699 --> 00:34:28.420
I was kind of like, I'm just ready to be done

606
00:34:28.420 --> 00:34:29.699
with this for a while.

607
00:34:29.699 --> 00:34:33.580
Just step away from this and continue doing my thing.

608
00:34:33.580 --> 00:34:37.320
You know, I put myself out there.

609
00:34:38.219 --> 00:34:41.580
I do acting on stage.

610
00:34:41.580 --> 00:34:44.739
So I'm definitely out there to an audience.

611
00:34:44.739 --> 00:34:49.600
And always when I get cast in something, I always hope,

612
00:34:50.500 --> 00:34:55.500
you know, maybe a man's going to be out there

613
00:34:56.219 --> 00:34:58.920
that's going to be just lovely and amazing.

614
00:34:58.920 --> 00:34:59.760
And,

615
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:01.680
He'll see me doing my thing.

616
00:35:01.680 --> 00:35:07.040
Are you on some, like, we have a local theater group here,

617
00:35:07.040 --> 00:35:11.040
and that community hangs out together and does stuff together.

618
00:35:11.040 --> 00:35:16.400
Like, do you have a local theater community that you can get involved with?

619
00:35:16.400 --> 00:35:17.200
Well, yeah, I am.

620
00:35:17.200 --> 00:35:20.800
I mean, they, it's kind of fun now that they know me that I don't,

621
00:35:20.800 --> 00:35:21.680
sometimes I don't even have to have music.

622
00:35:21.680 --> 00:35:24.720
And have you been bold and said, hey, I'm single.

623
00:35:24.720 --> 00:35:27.680
Do y'all know any single men for me that aren't gay?

624
00:35:27.680 --> 00:35:29.200
Because it is community theater.

625
00:35:29.200 --> 00:35:32.880
And I say that because I used to volunteer a lot with community.

626
00:35:32.880 --> 00:35:34.800
Well, yes.

627
00:35:34.800 --> 00:35:35.520
Okay.

628
00:35:35.520 --> 00:35:42.400
To be, you know, a heterosexual man and not be debauched.

629
00:35:43.040 --> 00:35:44.160
That's a hard.

630
00:35:44.160 --> 00:35:45.360
What is debauched mean?

631
00:35:45.360 --> 00:35:45.760
I'm sorry.

632
00:35:45.760 --> 00:35:46.560
What does that mean?

633
00:35:46.560 --> 00:35:47.280
Debauchery.

634
00:35:48.000 --> 00:35:49.360
Oh, debauchery.

635
00:35:49.360 --> 00:35:50.560
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

636
00:35:50.560 --> 00:35:53.280
Just not a godly man.

637
00:35:53.840 --> 00:35:55.200
Quite the opposite.

638
00:35:55.200 --> 00:35:59.120
So I, you know, I encounter a lot of those men.

639
00:36:01.200 --> 00:36:01.520
Okay.

640
00:36:01.520 --> 00:36:06.560
What about, so Susan, what about, so you guys, this is me brainstorming out loud.

641
00:36:06.560 --> 00:36:09.120
So this is what happens when you do private coaching with me.

642
00:36:09.120 --> 00:36:11.520
I brainstorm out loud as I start to think.

643
00:36:11.520 --> 00:36:15.200
So we're kind of going down the theater path because I've been around Susan and

644
00:36:15.200 --> 00:36:16.400
she's kind of eclectic.

645
00:36:16.960 --> 00:36:18.560
She's kind of a free spirit.

646
00:36:19.120 --> 00:36:24.480
And so we need to think of settings that you're going to meet those guys in.

647
00:36:24.560 --> 00:36:30.160
Have you, is there an improv group in your area?

648
00:36:30.160 --> 00:36:37.440
Like an improv or a theater class or a church that actually has a drama program?

649
00:36:37.440 --> 00:36:40.560
Because there are plenty of churches that have drama programs.

650
00:36:41.920 --> 00:36:47.440
Well, I'm in mostly in Durango, Colorado, which it's mostly, it's a small town.

651
00:36:49.920 --> 00:36:54.080
You know, I'm involved in the standup comedy realm.

652
00:36:54.080 --> 00:36:57.040
And again, it's just, it's just debauchery.

653
00:36:57.040 --> 00:36:59.840
And I just like, Lord, I am so tired of being...

654
00:37:01.920 --> 00:37:02.880
So maybe you need to...

655
00:37:02.880 --> 00:37:04.560
The vulgarity of it all.

656
00:37:04.560 --> 00:37:04.800
Okay.

657
00:37:04.800 --> 00:37:08.960
So maybe you need to think about other things that you love doing besides that,

658
00:37:10.080 --> 00:37:13.440
that might be a bit, a different swimming pool for you to go swimming.

659
00:37:13.440 --> 00:37:14.000
Okay.

660
00:37:14.000 --> 00:37:16.640
So I went to the Telluride Wine Festival.

661
00:37:18.000 --> 00:37:20.400
Had a great time, went.

662
00:37:20.400 --> 00:37:26.080
And, you know, it was a lot of married couples and then single women.

663
00:37:27.360 --> 00:37:33.680
And I just don't know where high value single men are.

664
00:37:34.800 --> 00:37:38.400
I mean, the problem is, you guys, there's not a short answer.

665
00:37:38.400 --> 00:37:42.480
Because I think all the cool men on this call are saying the same thing about women, right?

666
00:37:43.200 --> 00:37:45.600
I think that, and there's no magic answer.

667
00:37:46.400 --> 00:37:49.200
I think that you have...

668
00:37:49.200 --> 00:37:52.240
That's why you have to keep meeting new people and you're doing...

669
00:37:52.800 --> 00:37:55.360
And I get it, Susan, you've been in the program.

670
00:37:55.360 --> 00:37:56.880
I think you started right before I did.

671
00:37:57.760 --> 00:38:01.920
And I don't think there's anything I did more magical than you are doing.

672
00:38:02.640 --> 00:38:06.880
I just think I finally, I kept trying all the different things.

673
00:38:07.440 --> 00:38:11.120
And I finally was on a site at the same time.

674
00:38:11.120 --> 00:38:13.280
Like Brian was actually about to get off.

675
00:38:13.280 --> 00:38:15.360
I was his last match, he said.

676
00:38:16.000 --> 00:38:18.800
In fact, Brian said, if it doesn't work this time,

677
00:38:18.800 --> 00:38:22.000
I'm buying an RV, me and the dog are going on the road,

678
00:38:22.000 --> 00:38:23.760
and I'm going to be an adjunct professor.

679
00:38:23.760 --> 00:38:28.000
Like, seriously, like I was, you know, he was just like, I'm just done with this.

680
00:38:31.200 --> 00:38:34.560
So I guess my answer to you and to really to everybody is,

681
00:38:34.560 --> 00:38:38.160
you have to think about all of the things that you're passionate about

682
00:38:38.160 --> 00:38:42.720
and make sure that you're continuing to put yourself in those places.

683
00:38:42.720 --> 00:38:44.160
And it's exhausting, you guys.

684
00:38:44.160 --> 00:38:45.840
Like my sister used to tease me and be like,

685
00:38:45.840 --> 00:38:47.200
why are you always trying to look so good?

686
00:38:47.200 --> 00:38:48.400
I'm like, I'm still single.

687
00:38:48.400 --> 00:38:49.440
Like he could be anywhere.

688
00:38:49.440 --> 00:38:50.480
He could be at the airport.

689
00:38:50.480 --> 00:38:51.760
He could be at the Walgreens.

690
00:38:51.760 --> 00:38:52.960
He could be at Walmart.

691
00:38:52.960 --> 00:38:54.400
I don't know where I'm going to meet him.

692
00:38:54.400 --> 00:38:56.400
So I've always got to look nice and ready.

693
00:38:56.960 --> 00:38:59.520
And so you just have to have a ready posture

694
00:39:00.720 --> 00:39:04.560
and be brave and ask the people that you admire.

695
00:39:04.560 --> 00:39:07.120
All of the married couples that you admire.

696
00:39:07.120 --> 00:39:08.800
Hey, do you know single people?

697
00:39:08.800 --> 00:39:10.080
You know, Renee, I'm not sure.

698
00:39:10.080 --> 00:39:10.560
You know what?

699
00:39:10.560 --> 00:39:11.520
You don't need to vet them.

700
00:39:11.520 --> 00:39:12.880
You can let me vet them for you.

701
00:39:14.160 --> 00:39:15.520
Now that never worked for me.

702
00:39:15.520 --> 00:39:17.040
And I tried, but I'm just saying.

703
00:39:17.600 --> 00:39:18.160
I've done that.

704
00:39:19.120 --> 00:39:21.280
So, but continue to do that.

705
00:39:21.280 --> 00:39:24.560
Continue to find new things that interest you.

706
00:39:24.560 --> 00:39:29.360
So when you try to go online, Susan, what happens online?

707
00:39:29.360 --> 00:39:31.440
Are you just not getting nibbles?

708
00:39:32.960 --> 00:39:35.760
Um, well.

709
00:39:37.360 --> 00:39:38.400
Because you're amazing.

710
00:39:38.400 --> 00:39:40.320
So if you're not getting nibbles online,

711
00:39:41.200 --> 00:39:44.080
your homework assignment is to put your photos

712
00:39:44.080 --> 00:39:46.320
and your profile on the phase three page

713
00:39:47.040 --> 00:39:48.880
and let the coaches help you.

714
00:39:49.440 --> 00:39:51.520
Because I can't imagine that you're not

715
00:39:51.520 --> 00:39:52.800
getting some men to choose from.

716
00:39:54.800 --> 00:39:58.560
Well, you know, OK, so not to be.

717
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:05.000
But I work out and I take care of myself.

718
00:40:06.940 --> 00:40:08.520
Susan, are you able to relocate?

719
00:40:08.520 --> 00:40:10.360
Somebody asked that.

720
00:40:10.360 --> 00:40:12.960
Well, I'm a vagabond right now.

721
00:40:12.960 --> 00:40:13.960
Yeah, she is.

722
00:40:13.960 --> 00:40:17.600
So Carol, if you got somebody for her, hook her up.

723
00:40:17.600 --> 00:40:18.440
It depends.

724
00:40:18.440 --> 00:40:20.960
It depends because there was a man that really liked me

725
00:40:20.960 --> 00:40:23.840
and he lived in Northern Michigan.

726
00:40:23.840 --> 00:40:25.800
I mean, Northern.

727
00:40:25.800 --> 00:40:28.600
And he wanted me to come out and see his house.

728
00:40:29.320 --> 00:40:32.920
And I don't want to live in Northern Michigan.

729
00:40:32.920 --> 00:40:36.600
That is the furthest away from any of my children.

730
00:40:36.600 --> 00:40:37.720
So, no.

731
00:40:38.800 --> 00:40:40.120
And so I'm going to say this,

732
00:40:40.120 --> 00:40:41.200
and I'm going to say this to Olga

733
00:40:41.200 --> 00:40:44.040
and anybody who's feeling discouraged.

734
00:40:44.040 --> 00:40:47.960
The words, ready to take a break from the whole thing.

735
00:40:50.200 --> 00:40:52.440
Here's what I'm going to suggest.

736
00:40:52.440 --> 00:40:56.320
I'm going to suggest that some days you wanting to date

737
00:40:56.480 --> 00:40:58.560
your energy that you put into dating

738
00:40:58.560 --> 00:41:03.040
is less of a percentage than other days.

739
00:41:03.040 --> 00:41:08.040
There were days that it was 3% of my brain space.

740
00:41:08.680 --> 00:41:11.240
Then there were days it was 15%.

741
00:41:11.240 --> 00:41:13.640
Then there were days it was 60%.

742
00:41:13.640 --> 00:41:15.480
Then there were days there were 80%.

743
00:41:15.480 --> 00:41:16.720
It ebbed and flowed.

744
00:41:16.720 --> 00:41:18.520
And so I don't want you to think

745
00:41:18.520 --> 00:41:21.520
that it's all in or all out.

746
00:41:21.560 --> 00:41:26.560
That's why I said to you back to number four

747
00:41:26.640 --> 00:41:29.000
on our list of things that we're going to do.

748
00:41:29.000 --> 00:41:33.080
We are going to keep finding the things that we love to do.

749
00:41:33.080 --> 00:41:35.400
And I remember saying,

750
00:41:35.400 --> 00:41:38.240
I would rather be married to the right person for two years

751
00:41:38.240 --> 00:41:39.720
than the wrong one for 20.

752
00:41:41.440 --> 00:41:43.480
And I really did mean that.

753
00:41:43.480 --> 00:41:47.080
And so Susan, I don't have a perfect answer for you,

754
00:41:47.080 --> 00:41:50.040
but I would just say, keep doing what you're doing.

755
00:41:50.040 --> 00:41:50.880
And so I would say,

756
00:41:50.880 --> 00:41:53.400
if you're not getting the matches you want online,

757
00:41:53.400 --> 00:41:55.440
put your stuff in phase three,

758
00:41:55.440 --> 00:41:59.000
let the ladies, let the coaches give you some good feedback.

759
00:41:59.000 --> 00:42:01.880
And we can help you with the kind of responses

760
00:42:01.880 --> 00:42:03.360
you're getting, what you're saying.

761
00:42:03.360 --> 00:42:06.560
So we can kind of move that along.

762
00:42:06.560 --> 00:42:11.400
And since you can date long distance,

763
00:42:11.400 --> 00:42:13.960
cause you're technically willing to move,

764
00:42:13.960 --> 00:42:16.120
but that doesn't mean if you don't want to go to Michigan,

765
00:42:16.120 --> 00:42:18.560
then don't swipe on the guy that's from Michigan.

766
00:42:20.200 --> 00:42:22.360
Remind everybody how old you are, Susan.

767
00:42:23.480 --> 00:42:26.120
I am 66.

768
00:42:26.120 --> 00:42:26.960
Okay, ladies.

769
00:42:26.960 --> 00:42:28.080
So she's 66.

770
00:42:28.080 --> 00:42:30.240
Men, she's 66.

771
00:42:30.240 --> 00:42:32.160
Putting that out there.

772
00:42:32.160 --> 00:42:35.520
And I've been single for 20 some years.

773
00:42:37.360 --> 00:42:38.920
I get it.

774
00:42:38.920 --> 00:42:40.160
All I can say is I understand.

775
00:42:40.160 --> 00:42:41.800
Y'all know I understand.

776
00:42:41.800 --> 00:42:42.680
I was 57.

777
00:42:42.680 --> 00:42:43.880
So y'all know.

778
00:42:43.880 --> 00:42:45.120
I understand.

779
00:42:45.120 --> 00:42:48.520
And all I'm going to say is keep on keeping on

780
00:42:48.520 --> 00:42:51.680
and keep enjoying the joy that you do have in your life.

781
00:42:51.680 --> 00:42:52.520
You are beautiful.

782
00:42:52.520 --> 00:42:53.360
You are amazing.

783
00:42:53.360 --> 00:42:54.920
You're talented.

784
00:42:54.920 --> 00:42:59.400
You get to live in an extraordinary life, Susan.

785
00:42:59.400 --> 00:43:01.800
And it's going to take,

786
00:43:01.800 --> 00:43:04.680
y'all this is what my therapist said to me a few years ago.

787
00:43:04.680 --> 00:43:07.280
I was like, Barney, his name is Barney.

788
00:43:07.280 --> 00:43:09.400
I'm like, am I ever going to meet my person?

789
00:43:09.400 --> 00:43:10.960
And you know what he said?

790
00:43:10.960 --> 00:43:12.200
I don't know.

791
00:43:12.200 --> 00:43:14.600
He's like, you're really amazing.

792
00:43:14.600 --> 00:43:16.240
And you're really smart.

793
00:43:16.240 --> 00:43:21.240
It's going to take a really amazing guy to be your match.

794
00:43:21.720 --> 00:43:24.400
And I was like, well, that's a pretty honest answer.

795
00:43:24.400 --> 00:43:25.880
I mean, and it's funny

796
00:43:25.880 --> 00:43:28.800
because Brian and I went to a new church

797
00:43:28.800 --> 00:43:30.880
and I'm just trying to encourage you guys

798
00:43:30.880 --> 00:43:32.320
like in the waiting,

799
00:43:32.320 --> 00:43:34.480
because like when I was at church this week,

800
00:43:34.480 --> 00:43:37.360
this man I hadn't seen in five years,

801
00:43:37.360 --> 00:43:38.760
he was his married

802
00:43:38.760 --> 00:43:41.520
and he was an elder at the church I used to be at.

803
00:43:41.520 --> 00:43:43.600
We both happened to be sitting next to each other,

804
00:43:43.600 --> 00:43:45.080
Christmas Eve.

805
00:43:45.080 --> 00:43:47.160
I was having a pity party for yet again,

806
00:43:47.160 --> 00:43:50.320
another Christmas by myself or somebody dumped me.

807
00:43:50.320 --> 00:43:52.160
I'm not even sure what it really was.

808
00:43:52.160 --> 00:43:54.240
And he was going through something really traumatic

809
00:43:54.240 --> 00:43:55.080
with his son.

810
00:43:55.080 --> 00:43:56.480
His son had a heart condition,

811
00:43:56.480 --> 00:43:59.160
almost suicidal, pretty depressed.

812
00:43:59.160 --> 00:44:00.800
And I basically just said,

813
00:44:00.800 --> 00:44:02.960
we are not going to try to make each other feel good

814
00:44:02.960 --> 00:44:03.800
during this service.

815
00:44:03.800 --> 00:44:06.240
We're just going to own the fact that this Christmas sucks.

816
00:44:06.240 --> 00:44:07.560
Let's do that, huh?

817
00:44:07.560 --> 00:44:10.000
And he was like, yeah, let's do it.

818
00:44:10.000 --> 00:44:12.200
We haven't seen each other in five years.

819
00:44:12.200 --> 00:44:14.840
I'm looking at the worship leader on stage.

820
00:44:15.600 --> 00:44:16.720
She goes, yeah, Renee, that's my son.

821
00:44:16.720 --> 00:44:19.800
His heart is 100% healed.

822
00:44:19.800 --> 00:44:22.480
He's now married with a kid.

823
00:44:22.480 --> 00:44:24.720
And I said, oh, by the way, here's my husband.

824
00:44:24.720 --> 00:44:26.640
And he like literally grabbed Brian.

825
00:44:26.640 --> 00:44:29.240
And he was like, oh my God,

826
00:44:29.240 --> 00:44:32.760
do you know how long we've been praying for you?

827
00:44:33.840 --> 00:44:38.840
And so I would rather wait another five years

828
00:44:39.200 --> 00:44:44.200
for that moment than settle for any of the almosts.

829
00:44:45.480 --> 00:44:49.280
Or if it's not going to be that amazing,

830
00:44:50.200 --> 00:44:53.200
I was lonely, but you guys,

831
00:44:53.200 --> 00:44:55.160
I was living my life with purpose.

832
00:44:55.160 --> 00:44:56.720
I was involved with you guys.

833
00:44:56.720 --> 00:44:58.120
I was in seminary.

834
00:44:58.120 --> 00:44:59.160
I was writing a book.

835
00:44:59.160 --> 00:45:00.200
I was doing all.

836
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:03.200
the things and so Susan just keep doing all the things.

837
00:45:03.200 --> 00:45:04.880
That's my encouragement and that's my encouragement

838
00:45:04.880 --> 00:45:06.760
to all of you guys, just keep doing all of the things.

839
00:45:06.760 --> 00:45:08.000
Just keep doing it.

840
00:45:08.000 --> 00:45:10.200
Okay, I have to move on.

841
00:45:10.200 --> 00:45:12.040
Jen, Jen Cavan, you're up.

842
00:45:15.000 --> 00:45:16.020
Thank you, Renee.

843
00:45:17.320 --> 00:45:19.080
So my question is just kind of

844
00:45:19.080 --> 00:45:21.320
at the very beginning of things.

845
00:45:21.320 --> 00:45:22.160
Yep.

846
00:45:22.160 --> 00:45:24.160
Sorry, I'm trying to eat well.

847
00:45:24.160 --> 00:45:25.360
Just got home from work.

848
00:45:26.360 --> 00:45:29.280
So I have a guy that I met in December

849
00:45:29.280 --> 00:45:32.320
like briefly at a speed dating mixer.

850
00:45:33.560 --> 00:45:35.280
We kind of bonded over the fact

851
00:45:35.280 --> 00:45:37.440
that he lives in my hometown,

852
00:45:37.440 --> 00:45:39.520
but due to certain family things,

853
00:45:39.520 --> 00:45:42.680
I don't go back to my hometown right now.

854
00:45:42.680 --> 00:45:44.240
It's only like 30 minutes away,

855
00:45:44.240 --> 00:45:46.440
but there's just some family stuff going on.

856
00:45:47.680 --> 00:45:50.080
So I went to another speeding date

857
00:45:50.080 --> 00:45:52.000
with someone from this program.

858
00:45:53.400 --> 00:45:54.240
We kind of were like,

859
00:45:54.480 --> 00:45:56.000
this is our adventure, first things.

860
00:45:56.000 --> 00:45:58.400
And so we went and he was there.

861
00:45:58.400 --> 00:46:00.920
Now I will say the first time that we were there,

862
00:46:00.920 --> 00:46:05.040
I was anxious and he asked for my number

863
00:46:05.040 --> 00:46:07.240
and I was just like, oh, wait, what?

864
00:46:07.240 --> 00:46:08.960
And he's like, oh, are you just here to meet people?

865
00:46:08.960 --> 00:46:10.000
And I was like, yeah.

866
00:46:10.000 --> 00:46:12.160
And so I didn't give him my number.

867
00:46:12.160 --> 00:46:16.200
So the second time we meet, he doesn't remember me.

868
00:46:16.200 --> 00:46:17.780
He remembers the friend,

869
00:46:19.000 --> 00:46:22.120
but then as we're in the speed dating,

870
00:46:22.120 --> 00:46:24.240
he goes, hey, can I get your number?

871
00:46:25.880 --> 00:46:28.360
But three times during that meeting,

872
00:46:28.360 --> 00:46:29.320
he's like, I mean,

873
00:46:29.320 --> 00:46:31.040
I know you don't wanna go back to Hiawatha.

874
00:46:31.040 --> 00:46:34.040
Like he just kept mentioning it several times,

875
00:46:35.120 --> 00:46:36.600
which kind of bothered me.

876
00:46:36.600 --> 00:46:38.480
But anyway, I gave him my number.

877
00:46:38.480 --> 00:46:40.640
Is that where you're both from?

878
00:46:42.160 --> 00:46:44.280
So I was born and raised there.

879
00:46:44.280 --> 00:46:46.600
He's lived there the last 10 years.

880
00:46:46.600 --> 00:46:47.440
Gotcha.

881
00:46:47.440 --> 00:46:49.280
Is it true that you won't go back there?

882
00:46:50.280 --> 00:46:52.200
I don't know that I'll never go back there.

883
00:46:52.200 --> 00:46:54.280
It's just that there's family stuff right now.

884
00:46:54.280 --> 00:46:57.000
And that's the only reason I would go back there.

885
00:46:57.000 --> 00:46:58.840
Does he know that?

886
00:46:58.840 --> 00:47:00.120
He doesn't know it's family

887
00:47:00.120 --> 00:47:03.880
cause he's a stranger and I'm not gonna share.

888
00:47:03.880 --> 00:47:05.400
Have you alluded to the fact

889
00:47:05.400 --> 00:47:07.640
that you don't wanna go back there?

890
00:47:07.640 --> 00:47:11.160
Yes, which is why he's brought it up like three times.

891
00:47:12.680 --> 00:47:14.760
Okay, but why is it annoying you?

892
00:47:16.440 --> 00:47:19.040
Well, it's just cause he keeps bringing it up

893
00:47:19.800 --> 00:47:21.680
of like, oh, but we know you don't wanna go back there.

894
00:47:21.680 --> 00:47:24.200
And I know you said you won't go back there.

895
00:47:24.200 --> 00:47:26.200
Here's what he's probably doing.

896
00:47:26.200 --> 00:47:29.720
He's probably seeing if you're gonna change that answer.

897
00:47:29.720 --> 00:47:30.920
And that's possible.

898
00:47:30.920 --> 00:47:33.920
But my question for you is, so I did agree.

899
00:47:33.920 --> 00:47:38.040
I gave him my number and this is part of it too.

900
00:47:38.040 --> 00:47:43.040
So he messaged me and he said, hey, he loves dancing.

901
00:47:43.680 --> 00:47:45.840
It's not that I don't love dancing.

902
00:47:45.840 --> 00:47:48.320
It's just that dancing makes me really anxious

903
00:47:48.320 --> 00:47:51.440
and I don't wanna do that as a first connection, right?

904
00:47:51.440 --> 00:47:54.360
Like other than 10 minutes that we've talked together.

905
00:47:54.360 --> 00:47:57.680
And so he mentioned that and I was like, hey,

906
00:47:57.680 --> 00:48:02.400
you know, I think I remember you saying you love to do that.

907
00:48:02.400 --> 00:48:05.200
That isn't something I'd like to do right now.

908
00:48:05.200 --> 00:48:07.280
How about we do ax throwing or bowling?

909
00:48:07.280 --> 00:48:09.480
I'd love to do that.

910
00:48:10.520 --> 00:48:13.920
And that's 30 minutes from me in St. Joe,

911
00:48:13.920 --> 00:48:16.640
which is a town that is kind of in between us.

912
00:48:16.760 --> 00:48:19.840
And I said, I'd be happy to do that in St. Joe.

913
00:48:19.840 --> 00:48:20.680
I love it.

914
00:48:20.680 --> 00:48:23.360
He then sends another message saying,

915
00:48:24.280 --> 00:48:27.880
I saw this coffee shop in Atchison, which is where I live.

916
00:48:29.280 --> 00:48:30.920
I'd like to meet with you there.

917
00:48:32.680 --> 00:48:36.960
The coffee shop is at the college that I work with

918
00:48:36.960 --> 00:48:39.240
and I work at and I'm a therapist

919
00:48:39.240 --> 00:48:41.640
and they're going to be college kids there.

920
00:48:43.080 --> 00:48:45.800
I would prefer to meet in St. Joe.

921
00:48:45.840 --> 00:48:48.240
So I get, it's more neutral ground.

922
00:48:48.240 --> 00:48:49.200
I'm a therapist.

923
00:48:49.200 --> 00:48:51.280
I don't really want to have to deal with the anxiety

924
00:48:51.280 --> 00:48:53.120
of running into clients the first time

925
00:48:53.120 --> 00:48:55.200
I'm on a date with a stranger.

926
00:48:55.200 --> 00:48:56.440
Okay.

927
00:48:56.440 --> 00:48:58.120
Well then just tell him, you know what,

928
00:48:58.120 --> 00:49:00.120
I really appreciate your coming all my way,

929
00:49:00.120 --> 00:49:02.680
but especially because of my line of work,

930
00:49:02.680 --> 00:49:06.720
I would rather just initiate that first date

931
00:49:06.720 --> 00:49:09.760
at a location in this location.

932
00:49:09.760 --> 00:49:11.640
And I will say this.

933
00:49:11.640 --> 00:49:12.480
Yes.

934
00:49:12.480 --> 00:49:16.200
He does not let you, like when that,

935
00:49:16.200 --> 00:49:18.160
do not go out with him.

936
00:49:18.160 --> 00:49:19.240
Okay.

937
00:49:19.240 --> 00:49:20.480
Because part of it was like,

938
00:49:20.480 --> 00:49:22.120
why do you keep saying,

939
00:49:22.120 --> 00:49:24.560
doesn't have to be in Atchison.

940
00:49:24.560 --> 00:49:25.400
Yeah.

941
00:49:25.400 --> 00:49:26.480
You're asking for something

942
00:49:26.480 --> 00:49:28.280
and he's not willing to give you what you need.

943
00:49:28.280 --> 00:49:31.160
And that is kind of bugging me.

944
00:49:31.160 --> 00:49:34.480
He's not even doing like the, hey, how are you?

945
00:49:34.480 --> 00:49:35.720
Did you have a good day?

946
00:49:35.720 --> 00:49:36.560
Like, it's just,

947
00:49:36.560 --> 00:49:39.960
I want to meet with you in this place in Atchison.

948
00:49:39.960 --> 00:49:40.800
Yeah.

949
00:49:40.800 --> 00:49:42.040
I'm like, that's great.

950
00:49:42.560 --> 00:49:44.640
I'd like to meet with you here in St. Joe.

951
00:49:44.640 --> 00:49:45.640
Yeah.

952
00:49:45.640 --> 00:49:47.480
And I would say if he,

953
00:49:48.800 --> 00:49:49.840
if you, you know,

954
00:49:49.840 --> 00:49:52.520
here's the three places I can meet in St. Joe.

955
00:49:52.520 --> 00:49:53.640
I would narrow it down.

956
00:49:53.640 --> 00:49:56.240
Here are the three places I can meet.

957
00:49:56.240 --> 00:49:59.400
If he is not willing to meet in those three places,

958
00:49:59.400 --> 00:50:00.240
done.

959
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.640
That really helps me, Renee, because I was feeling like I don't want to be like kind

960
00:50:04.640 --> 00:50:09.400
of controlling, but also my job as a therapist, I have to protect that.

961
00:50:09.400 --> 00:50:13.920
And I prefer to not run into clients when I'm meeting.

962
00:50:13.920 --> 00:50:17.000
And that is okay to say that.

963
00:50:17.000 --> 00:50:21.400
It's okay to say, you know what, because of my line of work, it would be more appropriate.

964
00:50:21.400 --> 00:50:27.400
I would feel more comfortable meeting here because my line of work, I would feel more

965
00:50:27.400 --> 00:50:28.400
comfortable.

966
00:50:28.400 --> 00:50:29.400
You don't even have to say you're a therapist.

967
00:50:29.400 --> 00:50:32.960
I mean, he may or may not already know that yet because of my line of work.

968
00:50:32.960 --> 00:50:36.680
And you guys, I remember when I was running a nonprofit, I kind of felt the same way.

969
00:50:36.680 --> 00:50:40.400
I did not want to go out on dates where I was going to run into like donors and stuff

970
00:50:40.400 --> 00:50:42.380
like that would just have been weird for me.

971
00:50:42.380 --> 00:50:45.920
So you're not, especially not when they're a stranger.

972
00:50:45.920 --> 00:50:48.920
Have we been on like three or four dates and I gotten to know him?

973
00:50:48.920 --> 00:50:49.920
That's different.

974
00:50:49.920 --> 00:50:52.960
But I don't want to be like anxious and then and be like, what's wrong?

975
00:50:52.960 --> 00:50:58.680
Well, I can't tell you because I, you know, I may or may not.

976
00:50:58.680 --> 00:51:00.160
So thank you for that, Renee.

977
00:51:00.160 --> 00:51:01.160
I appreciate that.

978
00:51:01.160 --> 00:51:02.160
You bet, sweetie.

979
00:51:02.160 --> 00:51:04.520
Okay, you guys, I'm seeing some really good suggestions.

980
00:51:04.520 --> 00:51:09.480
Susan, I hope you're looking at the chat because Rachel, people are giving you some really

981
00:51:09.480 --> 00:51:11.200
good suggestions.

982
00:51:11.200 --> 00:51:12.680
And in general, I love it.

983
00:51:12.680 --> 00:51:14.800
Thank God I've got Cheryl and Kelly.

984
00:51:14.800 --> 00:51:18.800
I've got some great coaches I'm hoping that are managing the chat because it's going faster

985
00:51:18.800 --> 00:51:20.720
than I can keep up with.

986
00:51:20.720 --> 00:51:25.440
So I'm hopefully the coaches are helping coach in the chat, keeping it positive, but there's

987
00:51:25.440 --> 00:51:26.900
some really good ideas in there.

988
00:51:26.900 --> 00:51:30.100
So that's what I love that this is spurring ideas for folks.

989
00:51:30.100 --> 00:51:32.740
Crystal, what is your question?

990
00:51:32.740 --> 00:51:36.140
Sorry, I was not camera ready.

991
00:51:36.140 --> 00:51:37.940
I thought it was love seats tonight.

992
00:51:37.940 --> 00:51:40.620
So typically I make a very big effort to always be on camera.

993
00:51:40.620 --> 00:51:41.620
So sorry about that.

994
00:51:41.620 --> 00:51:42.620
No, it's okay.

995
00:51:42.620 --> 00:51:44.780
No worries.

996
00:51:44.780 --> 00:51:49.220
So my question is, I just put myself out onto the dating into the and I just started with

997
00:51:49.220 --> 00:51:54.660
Facebook and I did like my profile with my pictures, but I actually just wrote on them

998
00:51:54.660 --> 00:51:56.580
because I know that the men just look through them.

999
00:51:57.260 --> 00:51:58.260
So I like typed on them.

1000
00:51:58.260 --> 00:51:59.260
Yep.

1001
00:51:59.260 --> 00:52:00.260
I saw that.

1002
00:52:00.260 --> 00:52:01.260
Yep.

1003
00:52:01.260 --> 00:52:02.260
Okay.

1004
00:52:02.260 --> 00:52:05.060
So, and you just with, I think it was two before me, you were going, you know, you wouldn't

1005
00:52:05.060 --> 00:52:07.980
get to this until further on down the line.

1006
00:52:07.980 --> 00:52:12.740
So in about five of my conversations on the phone, you know, they're like, Oh, that's

1007
00:52:12.740 --> 00:52:13.740
so cool.

1008
00:52:13.740 --> 00:52:14.740
You foster.

1009
00:52:14.740 --> 00:52:16.540
Is that something that you plan to keep doing?

1010
00:52:16.540 --> 00:52:22.380
Because I am 49, but I would still like to have kids, whatever that looks like for me

1011
00:52:22.380 --> 00:52:23.540
with God.

1012
00:52:23.540 --> 00:52:24.540
So it's quick.

1013
00:52:24.540 --> 00:52:28.540
I mean, and it's too bad because Susan did say she's willing to relocate, but I feel

1014
00:52:28.540 --> 00:52:34.540
like I'm going to attract like for anybody in the community that's like 50 to 60s because

1015
00:52:34.540 --> 00:52:37.460
I met some really nice people and I've sent them toward the program or they're, I don't

1016
00:52:37.460 --> 00:52:40.580
know where I've said I've had sisters, but it comes up quite quickly.

1017
00:52:40.580 --> 00:52:42.260
Like, Oh, is that something you want to do?

1018
00:52:42.260 --> 00:52:46.780
Like there was a really nice gentleman that I had a conversation with and he was like,

1019
00:52:46.780 --> 00:52:48.060
that's just not my season of life.

1020
00:52:48.060 --> 00:52:51.780
He was like, you know, I have five kids, 12 grandkids, I'm widowed, you know?

1021
00:52:51.780 --> 00:52:52.780
So it's quick.

1022
00:52:52.780 --> 00:52:57.220
Like it's coming up, like, which is fine because yeah, I think it's okay because if that's

1023
00:52:57.220 --> 00:53:04.140
a deal breaker for you and it's not for, it's not, you know, not every 50 year old woman

1024
00:53:04.140 --> 00:53:07.100
wants to have children.

1025
00:53:07.100 --> 00:53:08.820
So and I think that that's okay.

1026
00:53:08.820 --> 00:53:11.500
I think it's okay that that's coming up pretty quickly.

1027
00:53:11.500 --> 00:53:15.300
So what, what can I do to get by that?

1028
00:53:15.300 --> 00:53:20.100
Like, because like we have gotten like about 10 people that were probably the most interesting

1029
00:53:20.100 --> 00:53:22.740
that are like, that's just not my season in life.

1030
00:53:22.740 --> 00:53:28.260
So, and I don't want to date somebody that could be my son, particularly, you know, like

1031
00:53:28.260 --> 00:53:31.220
all these younger men are like, you know, liking me or whatever.

1032
00:53:31.220 --> 00:53:32.220
So I don't know quite what to.

1033
00:53:32.220 --> 00:53:39.260
Your question is, you can probably, there might be a man in his forties who is willing

1034
00:53:39.260 --> 00:53:45.060
to be a parent still, who has not had a chance to be a parent yet or already has a couple

1035
00:53:45.060 --> 00:53:48.540
littles and wouldn't mind another little.

1036
00:53:48.540 --> 00:53:52.340
So I would say you're looking for a man probably in his forties.

1037
00:53:52.340 --> 00:53:58.100
We're not saying your son's age, but we're saying somebody who might be 43, I mean, because

1038
00:53:58.100 --> 00:54:00.020
you know, Crystal, you look really good for your age.

1039
00:54:00.020 --> 00:54:02.620
I've seen you on a good day.

1040
00:54:02.620 --> 00:54:07.220
And so you might attract somebody in his low forties and he might not mind the six year

1041
00:54:07.220 --> 00:54:12.740
age difference, probably wouldn't even think twice about it and is open to that.

1042
00:54:12.740 --> 00:54:18.620
You know, just like certain people need, yeah, I just, I think that you just need to

1043
00:54:18.620 --> 00:54:23.380
keep yourself out there and looking, but I think it's okay that people are weeding themselves

1044
00:54:23.380 --> 00:54:24.380
out.

1045
00:54:24.380 --> 00:54:29.500
And you guys, I just had one of our dearest friends, you know, she has four kids, you

1046
00:54:29.500 --> 00:54:31.520
know, all under the age of 14.

1047
00:54:31.520 --> 00:54:36.180
And she spent a very long time with somebody who thought he was ready to be in that season

1048
00:54:36.180 --> 00:54:38.380
of life and he is not.

1049
00:54:38.380 --> 00:54:43.620
And it's just devastating when you date too long and you can't, the children are there,

1050
00:54:43.620 --> 00:54:45.300
you can't make them go away.

1051
00:54:45.300 --> 00:54:50.500
And so, and you don't want to marry somebody who is like, well, let me pray about whether

1052
00:54:50.500 --> 00:54:52.820
or not God's going to put that on my heart.

1053
00:54:52.820 --> 00:54:57.700
If you want a parent or you have kids, you want somebody who already wants to parent,

1054
00:54:57.700 --> 00:54:59.700
who's already open to that.

1055
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:04.260
You don't want to have to try to convince them fall in love with you to suddenly get

1056
00:55:04.260 --> 00:55:06.640
a desire to be a parent.

1057
00:55:06.640 --> 00:55:12.480
You really want to make sure that you are starting out in that correct season of life.

1058
00:55:12.480 --> 00:55:16.880
And that was my past pattern was that I would find all these people that would be like,

1059
00:55:16.880 --> 00:55:22.080
oh, you know, I might consider it or just like you said, you know, let me pray about

1060
00:55:22.080 --> 00:55:23.080
it.

1061
00:55:23.080 --> 00:55:26.160
But it's like, I think, you know, like for most people, like, you know, or, you know,

1062
00:55:26.160 --> 00:55:28.800
like, especially at my age, whether, you know, you want to.

1063
00:55:28.800 --> 00:55:32.240
So and I know that, like you just mentioned beforehand, you know, you wouldn't be getting

1064
00:55:32.240 --> 00:55:36.640
into these like things in the you know, before you even met up on a date.

1065
00:55:36.640 --> 00:55:38.320
But it's like, you know, they're quick.

1066
00:55:38.320 --> 00:55:42.400
It's quickly, you know, because I did put a picture up with me and the foster baby.

1067
00:55:42.400 --> 00:55:47.600
So yeah, I mean, it's because there's a thing, Crystal, it's not typical for 50 year old

1068
00:55:47.600 --> 00:55:49.600
women to be wanting an infant.

1069
00:55:49.600 --> 00:55:55.000
I mean, some do some still want them, but it's you know, I mean, so it's not rare.

1070
00:55:55.000 --> 00:55:59.480
It's just not typical, but it's not rare, which means the guys out there for you is

1071
00:55:59.480 --> 00:56:01.480
going to want to do all of that stuff.

1072
00:56:01.480 --> 00:56:05.680
Do you think that I should, I know that they say usually pay for you, you guys say pay

1073
00:56:05.680 --> 00:56:07.720
for one and do something for free or something.

1074
00:56:07.720 --> 00:56:13.680
So do you think that I should probably pay for a service or like pay for one of the apps,

1075
00:56:13.680 --> 00:56:17.480
like one of the dating app services, because I'm just on Facebook right now.

1076
00:56:17.480 --> 00:56:23.560
So I mean, I did, I did, I, you know, I did, I did hinge and Facebook and I was able to

1077
00:56:23.560 --> 00:56:25.360
do both of those, not paying.

1078
00:56:25.360 --> 00:56:30.520
So I, you know, you might, if you're good, I mean, I don't know.

1079
00:56:30.520 --> 00:56:32.920
I'm not, I don't have the rule of thumb on that.

1080
00:56:32.920 --> 00:56:35.400
Like I say, do what you can afford.

1081
00:56:35.400 --> 00:56:40.640
That's what I say, do what you can afford and, and, and try other things and can just,

1082
00:56:40.640 --> 00:56:46.420
I would say you guys, but I would try as many things in real life too, and not just rely

1083
00:56:46.420 --> 00:56:50.120
on online dating, definitely try getting involved in communities.

1084
00:56:50.120 --> 00:56:51.120
Okay.

1085
00:56:51.120 --> 00:56:52.120
So here's a fun idea.

1086
00:56:52.120 --> 00:56:54.280
I have a few guys and I swore this out.

1087
00:56:54.280 --> 00:57:00.120
One of my friends met her husband, she loved basketball, so she bought a season ticket

1088
00:57:00.120 --> 00:57:05.320
to Vandy basketball and she said, you know, I learned is when people buy season tickets,

1089
00:57:05.320 --> 00:57:10.960
you all start to show up early, you tailgate together, you get to know people and she goes

1090
00:57:10.960 --> 00:57:16.000
and all the people around me had were couples, but before you know it, they were all rooting

1091
00:57:16.000 --> 00:57:21.880
for me to find my husband and I, then I had eight couples looking for my husband for me.

1092
00:57:22.640 --> 00:57:23.920
And so like, that's what I'm saying.

1093
00:57:23.920 --> 00:57:27.760
Like, don't be afraid to like, think I'm going to get season tickets at T, you know, at the

1094
00:57:27.760 --> 00:57:30.400
theater or at a, at a football stadium.

1095
00:57:30.400 --> 00:57:35.120
Like think about the things that you love to do and just keep putting yourself in that

1096
00:57:35.120 --> 00:57:36.120
setting.

1097
00:57:36.120 --> 00:57:37.120
Okay.

1098
00:57:37.120 --> 00:57:39.120
Melissa Dawn, what you got girl?

1099
00:57:39.120 --> 00:57:40.120
Okay.

1100
00:57:40.120 --> 00:57:47.520
Um, well I am feeling just a little bit torn, um, not terribly torn and probably you're

1101
00:57:47.520 --> 00:57:53.040
going to tell me just, you know, as we say, risk it for the brisket.

1102
00:57:53.040 --> 00:57:58.480
Um, but I, I just feel a little bit, I don't know.

1103
00:57:58.480 --> 00:58:05.040
I think sometimes I take in an unhealthy way at times, not often in my regular life, but

1104
00:58:05.040 --> 00:58:11.280
in this area, I kind of just feel like I see like what a lot of guys, I mean women and

1105
00:58:11.280 --> 00:58:12.280
men are going through.

1106
00:58:12.280 --> 00:58:16.840
And so sometimes I'm like, Oh, I just want to be like really careful, like extra careful

1107
00:58:17.160 --> 00:58:18.400
with, you know, their hearts.

1108
00:58:18.400 --> 00:58:24.400
And I mean, not that I don't want to be, but I just, um, like there's this guy that asked

1109
00:58:24.400 --> 00:58:30.480
me out, um, and like, we're going to have dinner together in a couple of days and, you

1110
00:58:30.480 --> 00:58:35.720
know, he seems funny and, you know, like a kind person and like he has some good qualities

1111
00:58:35.720 --> 00:58:41.280
and I appreciate that he's respectful and I can say many things that, um, you know,

1112
00:58:41.280 --> 00:58:44.280
could be quite positive at the same time.

1113
00:58:44.560 --> 00:58:51.280
Um, unfortunately sometimes I just feel a little bit like, I just don't like, sometimes

1114
00:58:51.280 --> 00:58:56.560
I feel like pressure a little bit if it's like, it seems, and it's a false pressure,

1115
00:58:56.560 --> 00:59:02.640
I know, but then I'm kind of like, okay, well, I don't want to lead anybody on, but then

1116
00:59:02.640 --> 00:59:05.800
I also have an actual chance.

1117
00:59:05.800 --> 00:59:12.080
And then I'm kind of like to the paying thing, like, like if I don't, I kind of on a gut

1118
00:59:12.080 --> 00:59:17.720
level, I'm like, I don't think this is going to be, I don't know this is, if this is going

1119
00:59:17.720 --> 00:59:21.200
to be a match, I'm open to the possibility.

1120
00:59:21.200 --> 00:59:26.200
And you know, he's a fellow image bearer and I appreciate, you know, his respectfulness

1121
00:59:26.200 --> 00:59:28.720
and initiative.

1122
00:59:28.720 --> 00:59:34.760
And you know, we did a video chat and you know, it was good, it was fine, it was nice.

1123
00:59:34.760 --> 00:59:40.880
But I'm not like feeling a super strong connection, but I realized that video can be quite different

1124
00:59:40.880 --> 00:59:46.360
than in person, which is why I'm open to doing that at the same time.

1125
00:59:46.360 --> 00:59:51.240
I don't want to be a part of, which I think sometimes some men can feel like betrayed

1126
00:59:51.240 --> 00:59:52.240
if you're like.

1127
00:59:52.240 --> 00:59:53.240
Yeah.

1128
00:59:53.240 --> 00:59:54.240
Okay.

1129
00:59:54.240 --> 00:59:55.240
Yeah.

1130
00:59:55.240 --> 00:59:59.160
You're definitely, you're definitely, whoa, girl, you're definitely carrying way too much

1131
00:59:59.160 --> 01:00:00.000
worry for.

1132
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:08.360
then you need to like, we're all adults out here dating and you're old enough that you

1133
01:00:08.360 --> 01:00:10.240
just need to be kind.

1134
01:00:10.240 --> 01:00:14.600
You do not need to guard, you don't need to be guarding anybody's heart in date one or

1135
01:00:14.600 --> 01:00:15.920
date two or date three.

1136
01:00:15.920 --> 01:00:23.200
It is not your job to guard somebody's heart until you're in like a phase, you know, exclusive.

1137
01:00:23.200 --> 01:00:29.440
Up until then, it is God's job to guard their heart and it is their job to guard their heart.

1138
01:00:29.440 --> 01:00:34.640
All we're asking you to do is be kind, we're just asking you to be kind and be open.

1139
01:00:34.640 --> 01:00:38.400
And if you enjoy his company, you agree to another date.

1140
01:00:38.400 --> 01:00:41.900
If you enjoy his company again, you agree to another date.

1141
01:00:41.900 --> 01:00:45.600
If you start to get so bored, you want to pluck your eyeballs out, you tell him, oh

1142
01:00:45.600 --> 01:00:49.440
my gosh, it was so nice getting to know you, you are really an amazing person.

1143
01:00:49.440 --> 01:00:54.140
I really don't think I want to pursue a romantic relationship any further.

1144
01:00:54.140 --> 01:00:57.040
And it's just kind.

1145
01:00:57.040 --> 01:00:58.440
And that's all you need to be.

1146
01:00:58.440 --> 01:00:59.440
You don't need to be kind.

1147
01:00:59.440 --> 01:01:03.240
I'm glad you actually brought that up, Melissa, because I feel like we're taking the guard

1148
01:01:03.240 --> 01:01:08.240
your heart thing a little too seriously, or we're, we're taking that burden on sooner

1149
01:01:08.240 --> 01:01:10.240
than we're supposed to be.

1150
01:01:10.240 --> 01:01:11.240
Okay.

1151
01:01:11.240 --> 01:01:12.240
That's such a good word.

1152
01:01:12.240 --> 01:01:14.280
And I definitely receive it and appreciate it.

1153
01:01:14.280 --> 01:01:16.220
And we'll follow suit.

1154
01:01:16.220 --> 01:01:20.900
As far as paying goes, because it is like an initial in-person meeting.

1155
01:01:20.900 --> 01:01:24.760
Some may call it a date, some may call it not a date.

1156
01:01:24.760 --> 01:01:31.240
But he did invite me, but I also like, like, for example, like, let's say I'm open to going

1157
01:01:31.240 --> 01:01:34.900
on another date, then maybe I will let him pay if he offers.

1158
01:01:34.900 --> 01:01:39.840
But then if I know I'm not going to go on another date, like sometimes I'm just like,

1159
01:01:39.840 --> 01:01:41.400
oh, you know, I'll get my own.

1160
01:01:41.400 --> 01:01:46.080
And just because I don't want them to feel like I'm, I'm not there.

1161
01:01:46.080 --> 01:01:51.560
If they purposely pick up the, if they pick up the check, don't not pick up, they pick

1162
01:01:51.560 --> 01:01:53.800
up the check right away.

1163
01:01:53.800 --> 01:01:55.440
Don't offer to pay for her.

1164
01:01:55.440 --> 01:01:59.400
Oh, actually, here's what I usually do, because I used to have a lot of donors, right?

1165
01:01:59.400 --> 01:02:04.640
So I had to learn the art of letting people buy my lunch for me.

1166
01:02:04.640 --> 01:02:07.360
And I would say, oh my gosh, you don't have to do that.

1167
01:02:07.360 --> 01:02:08.360
No, Renee, let me.

1168
01:02:08.360 --> 01:02:09.360
Are you sure?

1169
01:02:09.360 --> 01:02:10.360
Yes.

1170
01:02:10.360 --> 01:02:11.360
Thank you.

1171
01:02:11.360 --> 01:02:12.400
So that's your answer.

1172
01:02:12.400 --> 01:02:16.280
If they go to pick it up, you can say, oh, you don't need to do that.

1173
01:02:16.280 --> 01:02:18.680
And if they say, oh no, I'd be happy to.

1174
01:02:18.680 --> 01:02:19.680
Are you sure?

1175
01:02:19.680 --> 01:02:20.680
Yes.

1176
01:02:20.800 --> 01:02:21.800
Thank you so much.

1177
01:02:21.800 --> 01:02:22.800
Okay.

1178
01:02:22.800 --> 01:02:23.800
Awesome.

1179
01:02:23.800 --> 01:02:29.200
So just like, um, be like, like you would with maybe a friend that wants to buy you

1180
01:02:29.200 --> 01:02:30.200
like.

1181
01:02:30.200 --> 01:02:31.200
Exactly.

1182
01:02:31.200 --> 01:02:32.360
It is no different than that.

1183
01:02:32.360 --> 01:02:34.720
And here's the thing.

1184
01:02:34.720 --> 01:02:38.360
Sometimes you're going to go out with people who have enough money that they don't mind.

1185
01:02:38.360 --> 01:02:40.080
They just enjoyed your company.

1186
01:02:40.080 --> 01:02:46.200
So like, even if it doesn't go anywhere, like you guys, I don't know, there's things I've

1187
01:02:46.200 --> 01:02:50.840
paid for that like never went further.

1188
01:02:50.840 --> 01:02:55.020
And I don't regret all of those things because I enjoyed the moment.

1189
01:02:55.020 --> 01:02:59.840
And so he might just be like, oh my gosh, I had a really great lunch with somebody today.

1190
01:02:59.840 --> 01:03:00.840
What a great call.

1191
01:03:00.840 --> 01:03:05.280
Cause haven't we all had those moments where we're like, wow, like that person gave me

1192
01:03:05.280 --> 01:03:07.160
hope in humanity again.

1193
01:03:07.160 --> 01:03:12.120
What if you just being kind to him gives him hope that his person is out there again.

1194
01:03:12.120 --> 01:03:15.800
Like I can go on a date with a woman who's going to be nice to me.

1195
01:03:15.800 --> 01:03:16.800
Wow.

1196
01:03:16.800 --> 01:03:17.800
Okay.

1197
01:03:17.800 --> 01:03:18.800
That's good.

1198
01:03:18.800 --> 01:03:20.560
That sounds very redemptive and very healthy.

1199
01:03:20.560 --> 01:03:24.760
And this is clearly something I'm working on is like saying this is in my terrain.

1200
01:03:24.760 --> 01:03:26.560
This is not in my train.

1201
01:03:26.560 --> 01:03:31.520
And so I'm just incredibly grateful for the freedom to guard my heart within reason without

1202
01:03:31.520 --> 01:03:36.400
being like vigilant and also to allow other people to be responsible adults that have

1203
01:03:36.400 --> 01:03:38.840
to entrust themselves to the Holy Spirit as well.

1204
01:03:38.840 --> 01:03:39.840
Yeah.

1205
01:03:39.840 --> 01:03:40.840
Thank you.

1206
01:03:40.840 --> 01:03:41.840
You bet, sweetie.

1207
01:03:42.560 --> 01:03:43.560
All right.

1208
01:03:43.560 --> 01:03:49.200
Um, yes, that is the funny, both of us, me and Bethany got our Bryans, both Bryans on

1209
01:03:49.200 --> 01:03:50.440
Facebook dating.

1210
01:03:50.440 --> 01:03:55.360
I'm telling y'all, um, I would have bet my last dollar, I mean, God just has a funny

1211
01:03:55.360 --> 01:04:02.640
sense of humor because four years ago, Jackie asked me to do the online dating video, which

1212
01:04:02.640 --> 01:04:09.000
that first training, it was live that most of you now see in evergreen in phase two.

1213
01:04:09.000 --> 01:04:12.760
And I was like, why are you having me do an online dating video?

1214
01:04:12.760 --> 01:04:16.400
Nobody hates online dating more than me.

1215
01:04:16.400 --> 01:04:19.880
And it's, she just, she just challenged me to it.

1216
01:04:19.880 --> 01:04:22.000
And I learned to master it.

1217
01:04:22.000 --> 01:04:28.800
And here's the biggest thing you guys, while you're online, don't take any of it seriously.

1218
01:04:28.800 --> 01:04:33.320
You really can't, you can't take it personal and you can't take it seriously.

1219
01:04:33.320 --> 01:04:38.440
Unless you go out with somebody on three live dates, then maybe you could take it a little

1220
01:04:38.440 --> 01:04:43.060
bit personal that if they say no, it might be a little bit about you.

1221
01:04:43.060 --> 01:04:46.120
But up until then, it's not about you.

1222
01:04:46.120 --> 01:04:47.680
It's not personal.

1223
01:04:47.680 --> 01:04:50.400
Don't overthink it and just let it go.

1224
01:04:50.400 --> 01:04:53.520
There were people that would drop me and I wouldn't even notice.

1225
01:04:53.520 --> 01:04:55.680
I'm like, oh wait, huh?

1226
01:04:55.680 --> 01:04:57.880
That guy, I think that guy's gone up.

1227
01:04:57.880 --> 01:04:59.200
That guy's gone.

1228
01:04:59.200 --> 01:04:59.920
There you go.

1229
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:05.880
So you and I didn't used to be that person so just like fine like that's it

1230
01:05:05.880 --> 01:05:09.480
That's the attitude you need to have a bad online dating is just like whatever

1231
01:05:11.360 --> 01:05:12.840
Okay

1232
01:05:12.840 --> 01:05:15.920
Random, what's the freight? What? I'm so what I'm never mind

1233
01:05:15.920 --> 01:05:21.320
I want to like read all these comments you guys like I need somebody else to start talking. Okay, um

1234
01:05:22.080 --> 01:05:25.320
Kelly Stotler or Cheryl you guys have been in the thing

1235
01:05:25.320 --> 01:05:27.680
Is there any but is there any question that has come up?

1236
01:05:28.160 --> 01:05:33.060
That you want to draw my attention to or you can ask it for the group and I'll answer it

1237
01:05:33.060 --> 01:05:36.100
Like I just want to make sure I'm not missing anything

1238
01:05:40.520 --> 01:05:45.760
I'm starting. I don't see anybody hands raised. So feel free to jump in if you have a question

1239
01:05:45.760 --> 01:05:48.160
otherwise, I'm gonna just take a hot second and

1240
01:05:48.800 --> 01:05:50.800
scan down

1241
01:05:55.920 --> 01:05:57.920
Oh

1242
01:06:07.840 --> 01:06:12.920
Good see Aaron Joe, I thank you for saying that everyone's being so encouraging, you know, it's really easy

1243
01:06:13.200 --> 01:06:16.240
I'm so glad you guys are using the chat for good

1244
01:06:16.520 --> 01:06:19.360
I've sometimes seen our chat not being used for good

1245
01:06:19.480 --> 01:06:26.000
And so I think it's it's we're here to like encourage each other tease one another uplift one another

1246
01:06:26.320 --> 01:06:32.280
Jackie always used to say lift all boats. And so I like the idea of that. We're here to lift each other up

1247
01:06:36.720 --> 01:06:38.720
Okay

1248
01:06:39.160 --> 01:06:45.000
Diane just wrote a question. So who did okay Diane and Ward. Okay, how about me?

1249
01:06:45.720 --> 01:06:52.320
Not religious types, um, what do you mean but because they say spiritual on their profile

1250
01:06:53.560 --> 01:06:55.560
Is that what you mean Diane?

1251
01:06:57.040 --> 01:07:00.160
Do you want to unmute and make sure you clarify that question for me

1252
01:07:02.920 --> 01:07:08.720
What does it mean when a man says spiritual here's the thing you guys you I never you never know like when somebody put

1253
01:07:08.840 --> 01:07:13.560
Let's face it when somebody clicks Christian. We really don't know what it means, right?

1254
01:07:13.560 --> 01:07:20.600
It means something different for everybody. Sometimes Christian just means they show up for church on Christmas New Year's and Easter

1255
01:07:20.600 --> 01:07:26.240
I don't know. Um, sometimes it means that they go every day. Sometimes it means that they're culturally a Christian

1256
01:07:26.920 --> 01:07:31.360
And so you really don't know the answer to that until you got to know them

1257
01:07:31.360 --> 01:07:33.880
Like I would always say things like, you know

1258
01:07:33.880 --> 01:07:38.160
Well, what does a typical Sunday look like for you if I don't hear a church anywhere in there?

1259
01:07:38.160 --> 01:07:40.080
I always ask another question

1260
01:07:40.080 --> 01:07:46.560
I would always ask another question, which is so like when bad things happen or when you've had to get through tough things

1261
01:07:46.560 --> 01:07:52.680
What have you been able to lean on and if they said if they're so usually faith will show up

1262
01:07:52.680 --> 01:07:58.640
There's somewhere in some of those questions. And so that's how I start to learn about people. I have found

1263
01:08:00.480 --> 01:08:01.560
And

1264
01:08:01.560 --> 01:08:07.400
Megan has said I have found for me some of you would give people a chance that if they say spiritual

1265
01:08:07.400 --> 01:08:12.040
I can only answer for me after being online for five billion years

1266
01:08:12.280 --> 01:08:17.479
That spiritual usually meant some hippy-dippy version of like maybe Oprah version of Jesus

1267
01:08:18.319 --> 01:08:23.439
And it's just usually not the Jesus and Christianity. I'm looking for

1268
01:08:24.279 --> 01:08:29.880
and you guys were also not gonna diss on the Catholics because we have a lot of Catholics in our community too and

1269
01:08:29.920 --> 01:08:35.080
I also was Catholic for many many years and I have a lot of family members who are still Catholic Catholic are Christians

1270
01:08:35.359 --> 01:08:40.479
Please do not think that so, I mean I just finished my church history class and think okay

1271
01:08:40.479 --> 01:08:47.160
so the church started as the Catholic Church and the church was Christian and there was a breakaway for certain reasons, but

1272
01:08:47.720 --> 01:08:49.720
remember

1273
01:08:49.800 --> 01:08:52.960
We're gonna honor all denominations here in this room

1274
01:08:52.960 --> 01:08:57.880
And so I have some lovely family members that are beautiful Catholics

1275
01:08:57.880 --> 01:09:04.080
And so we're gonna always do so at the end of the day whether they say Catholic Christian or spiritual the answers

1276
01:09:04.080 --> 01:09:09.720
You don't know I have found for me spiritual wasn't what I was looking for. So I stopped

1277
01:09:10.600 --> 01:09:14.720
Clicking on guys that had spiritual that was my decision

1278
01:09:14.720 --> 01:09:16.720
I wanted it make it easy for me

1279
01:09:16.920 --> 01:09:19.080
But I know other people have said well

1280
01:09:19.080 --> 01:09:23.319
I they put spiritual because they didn't want to put Christian because they got bombarded by women whatever

1281
01:09:23.399 --> 01:09:27.200
Okay, I guess I missed out on all those guys. So for me

1282
01:09:28.200 --> 01:09:30.359
Spirituals just was a little too hippy-dippy for me

1283
01:09:30.720 --> 01:09:31.800
And

1284
01:09:31.800 --> 01:09:33.800
But I don't want to presume anything

1285
01:09:34.880 --> 01:09:39.800
That's why everyone is deserves a chance you guys if some people suck at putting together a profile

1286
01:09:39.800 --> 01:09:44.520
They don't have our wonderful community where we're gonna shred your profile and help you put it back together

1287
01:09:44.880 --> 01:09:47.479
So some people are just doing the best they can out there, you know

1288
01:09:47.479 --> 01:09:52.680
They're like, I don't know what to put so give a lot of people grace when you see their profile give them a chance

1289
01:09:52.680 --> 01:09:56.600
That's why you always want to get on a video see what they're like meet them in person

1290
01:09:57.560 --> 01:09:59.560
That's why I don't even like to do

1291
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:05.280
phone numbers because I don't like, I don't want to keep this anonymous thing going. I want to see

1292
01:10:05.280 --> 01:10:11.840
you. I want to see you. Okay. Any other questions? I mean, it's already eight, it's already 15 after

1293
01:10:11.840 --> 01:10:19.360
the hour. I don't want to force this time, but I'm so grateful for all of you. So yay to coaching

1294
01:10:19.360 --> 01:10:24.240
like this, you guys, good stuff. So remember relationship coaching, isn't just like I'm in

1295
01:10:24.240 --> 01:10:29.280
the middle of a relationship. It's always like, man, I'm stuck in my relationships. And so kind

1296
01:10:29.280 --> 01:10:34.320
of be praying about that. The next time you see relationship coaching up, it may or may not be me.

1297
01:10:35.200 --> 01:10:39.680
But we have some more wonderful coaches. And the good news is today, you also had your peer

1298
01:10:39.680 --> 01:10:46.080
coaches and community kind of keeping the conversation going along. Okay. I'm going to

1299
01:10:46.080 --> 01:10:54.160
put somebody on the spot. Abram, did I have you close out in prayer the last time?

1300
01:10:54.480 --> 01:11:01.280
Renee has a question for Aimee. Okay, what's the question?

1301
01:11:04.720 --> 01:11:09.920
She wrote... Hey Renee, I'll just unmute here. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

1302
01:11:10.560 --> 01:11:19.600
Hey, I just, in regards to the religion that's posted on their social media, I'm like you,

1303
01:11:19.600 --> 01:11:27.360
I am not, I am not digging the online dating, but I'm trying. And so I've been sort of just

1304
01:11:27.360 --> 01:11:36.880
dating guys that are of any religious background. And then as long as, for me, I also, you know,

1305
01:11:36.880 --> 01:11:42.000
want to make sure that they're conservative as well, because I just have more in common with

1306
01:11:42.000 --> 01:11:50.320
conservatives. So is it wrong to kind of just, because ultimately the goal for me is to,

1307
01:11:50.320 --> 01:11:56.320
you know, is to be married to a Christian conservative. However, like I said, I've been

1308
01:11:56.320 --> 01:12:02.400
dating in different, you know, different religions, different religious backgrounds. Is that, is it

1309
01:12:02.400 --> 01:12:08.640
wrong to practice dating with different religious backgrounds? As long as you can manage that,

1310
01:12:08.640 --> 01:12:14.640
like as long as you can manage your heart in that, you know, like I think it's okay.

1311
01:12:16.080 --> 01:12:19.920
I'm not sure if I like to use the word practice dating, but you're right, there is some bit of

1312
01:12:19.920 --> 01:12:25.360
practice to it. Like there was definitely a handful of dates I went on that, you know, I was like,

1313
01:12:25.360 --> 01:12:32.000
well, I don't know, maybe. But if you're only going on one or two dates with somebody and you

1314
01:12:32.000 --> 01:12:36.880
know it's not going to go anywhere, that's one thing. I wouldn't shrink somebody along if I were

1315
01:12:36.960 --> 01:12:42.400
you. Like I wouldn't go on three and four dates with a guy who has a faith background that would

1316
01:12:42.400 --> 01:12:49.920
not work for you. Because A, you don't want to set them up to fail. And B, you don't want to put

1317
01:12:50.800 --> 01:12:54.960
yourself in a position that you start to really like them and like, crap, now you like somebody

1318
01:12:54.960 --> 01:13:02.240
who doesn't have the same faith as you. So I think one date, fine. I don't know that I would

1319
01:13:02.240 --> 01:13:07.680
do more than one date with somebody who's not the same faith as me. I think that there are plenty

1320
01:13:07.680 --> 01:13:15.040
of men online or in person that would be happy to go on a date with you, that you don't need

1321
01:13:15.040 --> 01:13:21.520
to branch too far outside. I would rather you branch out. Here's where I would rather you branch

1322
01:13:21.520 --> 01:13:27.600
out the kind of...you're not sure where their level of Christianity is. They might be practicing,

1323
01:13:27.600 --> 01:13:32.480
not practicing. You know what I'm saying? I would rather you swim in that pool for practice

1324
01:13:33.520 --> 01:13:41.040
and then for you to get a better gauge than dating. If finding a believer is your deal breaker,

1325
01:13:42.400 --> 01:13:49.520
then date like that. Okay, yeah, because I've been, you know, like honestly a lot of the

1326
01:13:49.520 --> 01:13:56.480
Christian men in the age group that I'm looking at, you know, late 30s, early 40s, they're just

1327
01:13:56.480 --> 01:14:04.480
weird. They're like, not like, yeah, and so that's the reason why I'm like, gosh, this guy's a lot

1328
01:14:04.480 --> 01:14:11.280
nicer. Yeah, I would just keep looking in different places then. Try again, like all the creative

1329
01:14:11.280 --> 01:14:18.800
things. Try new restaurants, try new fitness centers, try new places to watch sports, places

1330
01:14:18.800 --> 01:14:25.840
to go to an art gallery, an art crawl, like just try different audiences, different churches,

1331
01:14:27.440 --> 01:14:30.880
different single groups, different meetup groups. I think that's what you're hearing

1332
01:14:30.880 --> 01:14:37.360
tonight is the theme, you guys. Just keep trying new things. If the place you're going to isn't

1333
01:14:37.360 --> 01:14:44.560
like, you know, yeah, just keep trying new things. Thanks for having me. Yeah, you bet, sweetie. I

1334
01:14:44.560 --> 01:14:55.280
appreciate that. Okay. Abram, did I already ask you to close out in prayer last time? Oh, that's

1335
01:14:55.280 --> 01:14:59.920
right. You have that stupid thing again. Dang it all. All right.

1336
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:04.300
Right. Oh, Cheryl, I'm gonna let you close us out in prayer.

1337
01:15:04.300 --> 01:15:06.540
You're like staring at me, right in my picture.

1338
01:15:06.540 --> 01:15:08.140
I'm gonna let you close us out.

1339
01:15:10.140 --> 01:15:10.980
Sure.

1340
01:15:12.020 --> 01:15:13.300
The Holy Father, just thank you.

1341
01:15:13.300 --> 01:15:14.340
Thank you for this evening.

1342
01:15:14.340 --> 01:15:18.140
Thank you that we can just hear from you, Lord God,

1343
01:15:18.140 --> 01:15:22.660
and just know that you're using Renee

1344
01:15:22.660 --> 01:15:25.180
and this coaching time and each and every one of us

1345
01:15:25.180 --> 01:15:29.500
to prepare each and every one of us for our spirit mates.

1346
01:15:29.500 --> 01:15:32.240
Thank you that we have the privilege to be here

1347
01:15:32.240 --> 01:15:34.800
and to be a community and just be with one another

1348
01:15:34.800 --> 01:15:36.600
and support one another and lift each other up.

1349
01:15:36.600 --> 01:15:39.440
So bless us as we go to our week

1350
01:15:39.440 --> 01:15:44.440
and enter into what you have for us ahead.

1351
01:15:44.440 --> 01:15:46.080
Jesus name, amen.

1352
01:15:47.480 --> 01:15:49.920
Amen, y'all have a good rest of the week.