WEBVTT

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I do have a habit of sometimes not recording, so I want to make sure that we do that.

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So welcome, everyone.

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It is already Tuesday, January 20th.

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Can you believe it?

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20 days into January 2026.

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My name is Karla Johnson.

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I'm one of your coaches here at Last Year Single, if we have not already met.

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I'm just going to quickly introduce myself.

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I am a success story here at Last Year Single.

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I came in the program at the very beginning in 2020, so I've walked through the heartwork

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several times.

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Believe it or not, I am in the process of doing some heartwork currently as a couple.

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So I am married.

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We are two years and about five months, almost six months, into being married.

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So we just launched a heartwork for couples, and so we are in the midst of doing that.

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So let me tell you, that is definitely something that you ladies can look forward to when y'all

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get your husbands.

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But before you do that, you'll want to do Simbis.

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My husband and I did do Simbis before we got engaged, so that's always a good thing.

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But yeah, so I am a success story.

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I've been coaching now for over two years, so I have lots of experience.

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I've made all the errors.

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I've done all the guardrails.

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I've done all the things, basically.

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So I say that because I never want any of you ladies coming in here thinking that you

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can't be vulnerable here and you messed something up or that there's not grace and space for

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you here.

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I, of all people, probably will have the most grace for you because I needed the most grace,

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believe it or not.

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Jackie was definitely, probably had to bite her tongue with me quite often, and she probably

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didn't.

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She definitely ripped Band-Aids off for me, which I truly appreciated.

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But she definitely was very, very patient with me, and I appreciate it.

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So I just owe this work and ministry that she does, just everything, and God.

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I do what I do because of what it blessed me with, and so just know that my heart is

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literally to serve you all because I wouldn't be here if I didn't have people serving me

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and pouring into me in that season.

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And so the best way for me to show that gratitude is to be able to do that for you all.

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Okay, so I will be your biggest cheerleader, all right?

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And just like Jackie, I will rip some Band-Aids off for you.

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Don't worry.

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It's okay if you get offended with me.

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I don't take a lot of offense at all, okay?

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And if I do, then I just know it's heart work.

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I know I gotta do some of my own heart work, okay?

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So I do my very best to practice what we teach here as well.

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It's all a learning process for all of us here.

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So hopefully I've answered some questions there for those of you that are brand new.

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I know Paula said she is brand new.

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Do I have anybody else who is new to phase two?

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I got, is it, sorry, I have contacts in, but my vision is not the greatest.

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Is it Alahana?

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It's Alana.

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Alana, okay, got it.

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And I am phonetically challenged.

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You said Alahana?

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So it's like the short rhymes with sauna, so you can think of like Lana, sauna.

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And my full name is Alana.

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Alana.

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Alana.

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And the worst I ever heard it butchered, so it wasn't that, was Alahonda.

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And I was like, I own a Honda at the time, but I'm not a Honda.

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There's no D in there.

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It's all good.

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It's all good.

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Yeah.

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D and Davis.

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Yeah.

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Thank you.

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Gotcha.

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You know, and it's funny because I, my youngest has dyslexia and so I struggle with phonics,

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but what was interesting, I homeschooled him for one year.

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And I would always ask him, why are you?

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adding letters to the word and it's not,

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like that letter's not even in there.

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Like he'd add L's into words when I'm like,

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there's no L in that word.

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So now I have an appreciation though,

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because he is dyslexic.

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So when that happens, I'm like, I totally get it.

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Because he struggles with it.

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I've had to give him a lot of grace.

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And once I figured out what he was struggling with,

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I was like, oh man, like hopefully

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I didn't wound him too badly.

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He'll need some heart work, I'm sure.

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But you know, hopefully with mom coaching some heart work,

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I'm fully prepared, right?

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Okay, so yes, welcome, welcome, welcome.

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Do I have anybody else that's new?

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I think we got those two ladies.

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I got this in replay.

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So if you are brand new,

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we are so excited that you are here with us.

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I'm just gonna do a couple of housekeeping things.

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And then I wanna jump us into our teaching.

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I want to shout out to Karen.

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I really do appreciate you sharing that insight with me.

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And you know what, you didn't share anything

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that I wasn't already just like processing myself.

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I really do not wanna spend a whole lot of time

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doing a lot of teaching, especially with content

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that you ladies will literally watch in the videos.

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So I'm gonna do my very best today to honor that boundary,

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because we're gonna be talking about boundaries today.

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And so I wanna spend a good chunk of like 20 to 30 minutes

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of boundaries and dating.

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And I think what I have in store for you ladies

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is gonna be really, really useful for you guys to digest

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and be really, really helpful

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as you navigate into a season of dating.

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So for those ladies that are just now entering

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into phase two, don't stress.

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Okay, you don't have to date right away.

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Okay, we are gonna encourage you

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to start putting some feelers out there.

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But if you are not like ready to go full throttle,

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we're not gonna rush you into anything.

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That is one thing I always wanna stress

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with you ladies here.

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We do not want you rushing through this phase,

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just like we didn't want you to rush through phase one.

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Okay, you're gonna hear me say that probably every week.

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Do not want you rushing through phase two.

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Okay, a lot of the growth, a lot of the breakthrough

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is gonna happen in phase one and phase two.

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Those are your foundational stuff, especially hard work.

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Okay, which you all should have spent

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a decent amount of time in there.

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Okay, I really hope y'all did spend some time

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really getting some healing in there.

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Okay, if you feel like I didn't, maybe I rushed through it,

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don't worry, you don't have to throw yourself

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back into phase one, because I'll heart work you here too.

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I will.

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Okay, I'm really good at that.

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I've had a lot of heart work myself.

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I've had a lot of experience, if you will.

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So you'll notice when y'all post in the app

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and I'm asking you questions and giving you feedback,

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I'm gonna ask you probably a lot of things

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that are gonna kind of lead you into some heart work.

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Okay, so don't worry if you feel like,

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oh wait, maybe I need to go back.

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Don't worry, I'll get you there, okay?

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Make sure that I don't leave anything out.

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Don't rush, got it.

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Oh, I do also wanna remind you ladies,

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I struggle with this because naturally I've got a gift

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of teaching, coaching, being a leader, that kind of thing.

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So if that's you and you just have that gift,

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maybe your job as a counselor, a therapist,

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a teacher, a coach, you're the person

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that people come to for advice, okay?

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That was always me.

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I never understood it when I was younger.

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Now, obviously, prophetically,

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I understand it now as an adult.

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I want to encourage you ladies

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to take those hats off in this phase.

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Your job in this phase is to receive, okay?

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I know it's gonna be really easy.

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You're gonna wanna interact with everybody

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and you're gonna wanna kind of get into that advice giving

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and coaching and asking questions and things of that nature.

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I really want you ladies to feel

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like you can fully receive, okay?

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So I want you to take that stress off of yourself

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and you don't have to do that, okay?

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You are released from that.

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I want you to fully sit back, enjoy the journey,

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ask your questions, celebrate all that.

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I do want you ladies engaging with each other.

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I want you to celebrate each other but leave the coaching,

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the questions, the advice, all that kind of stuff,

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leave that to myself and Ebony

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who are your coaches here in phase two

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or any of the other coaches that will jump in sporadically

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through your time here in phase two, cool?

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Because you deserve just to be blessed

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and poured into, truly.

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But again, go and love on your sisters,

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engage with one another, connect with one another,

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cheer each other on, do all of those things,

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be each other's cheerleaders, support each other, okay?

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I want y'all interacting with each other in the app, okay?

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Read each other's posts, find out what y'all are,

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be in the know with who's dating who,

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who's struggling with what, who needs prayer for what,

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who had what success, engage yourself with that, okay?

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It is one of the biggest blessings

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outside of getting a husband, all right,

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from this program that you can get.

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I still have close friends in this program

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that I met five years ago, okay?

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And yes, Callie saying, please be more active.

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She's one of my girls, I see her in there

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and she is giving all the encouragement, okay?

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And let me tell you, when you ladies are in there,

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catching up with what other women are sharing,

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you are going to glean something yourself.

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You're gonna learn something from others

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and when you share, people are gonna learn from you.

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Oh, and don't delete your videos, girl.

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Don't delete your videos.

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Did I not already respond to your video?

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I did think I watched it, did I not respond to it?

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Callie, you can unmute.

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Oh, you did another.

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Yeah, don't feel like you have to delete a video.

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I don't want you to feel like that,

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like we're gonna just remove that insecurity from you, okay?

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The only thing that I am gonna ask you ladies,

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and again, if you slip up, it's totally fine, okay?

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Remember, I'm the one that talks a lot,

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so I give a lot of grace in this area.

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I'm caring, you know.

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Try to keep those videos two to three minutes tops, okay?

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If it goes like four or five minutes,

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just keep that in mind for next time

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and also just keep in mind,

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we may not be able to respond to it as quickly

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because it does take some time for us to get through.

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And you'll notice if, I know for myself,

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when I watch those videos,

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I don't know if Nadine is on there, is on here.

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She posted a couple of videos.

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I think she comes to the evening call.

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I will be typing and like kind of repeating back

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what y'all share in a video.

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That helps me keep processing.

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Kind of like how a lot of you that have been on here before,

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like I will sit and note take when y'all are talking

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because it's how I process what you're saying

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and it's how I listen to Holy Spirit as well

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so that I don't forget anything

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because I want to literally like absorb all your words, okay?

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And I don't want to forget anything.

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So I kind of do the same thing in the videos as well.

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Like I'll just type things

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and it might sound like I'm parroting back to you

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but I promise like I will eventually respond.

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I might not get to it right away

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but when I go back, I'm like, okay, yeah,

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now I know what they were talking about, okay?

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But yeah, let's not feel entitled, okay?

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But okay, that's gonna be heartwork stuff, okay?

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And I'm not like gonna make you heartwork it right now

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but if you notice those tendencies that come up,

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if that's a frequent feeling that surfaces,

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you might want to lean into that, okay?

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All right, I think that's about it.

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Oh, there was a little bit of confusion, I think,

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with a few people about what coaching

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is available here in phase two.

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So coaching will be available with y'all's membership,

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like what y'all pay for to be in this community.

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You get it here in the group calls,

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these Tuesday calls at one o'clock

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and eight o'clock Eastern, okay?

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So there's coaching that happens here.

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We do a lot of teaching, so it's gonna be a lot of us

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coaches talking the majority of the time.

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We open the floor towards the end of the call

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to ask your questions.

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We take as many as we can within time, okay?

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We really do try our best to limit.

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those coaching times between five and 10 minutes per person.

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So keep that in mind, we can't get through a lot.

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Okay, now if there's someone's question

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has a lot of good meat to it,

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or there's a lot of good processing that we could do

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that we could get a lot of group coaching out of

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where it's going to be really helpful

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and resourceful for the whole group,

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we'll spend some time with that, okay?

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So know that we have the coaching available

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to do that live on these group calls,

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but it can't always be guaranteed.

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Your best, best, best bet to get your coaching

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00:15:42.440 --> 00:15:46.400
and frequent coaching is posting in the app.

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Okay, Ebony and myself, we do our very, very best

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to dive into the app as often as we can.

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Okay, at least one of us is usually trying to jump

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in that app every day, Monday through Friday.

286
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We can sometimes get a little hairy, okay?

287
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But we're always in there.

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Now, some of the more meatier questions or situations,

289
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we may need like a little extra time

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to kind of sit with Holy Spirit with

291
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because we wanna really make sure that we are

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really spending time with Holy Spirit

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before we just kind of share something with you.

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So if you've been waiting for a hot minute,

295
00:16:32.000 --> 00:16:35.220
know that we see it, we'll get to you, okay?

296
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We didn't forget about you.

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00:16:36.540 --> 00:16:38.660
If you've been waiting for two or three days

298
00:16:38.660 --> 00:16:40.660
and we haven't seen it and you haven't replied,

299
00:16:40.660 --> 00:16:42.000
shoot us another message

300
00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:45.920
because there are times where it gets lost

301
00:16:45.920 --> 00:16:49.160
because if y'all have been scrolling through that app,

302
00:16:49.160 --> 00:16:52.440
it does sometimes feel a little tricky.

303
00:16:53.440 --> 00:16:57.280
I think we've got something that glitches out.

304
00:16:57.280 --> 00:17:02.280
Personally, I try to do all of my app work on my computer.

305
00:17:05.119 --> 00:17:07.560
I don't like doing it on my phone.

306
00:17:07.560 --> 00:17:11.040
I feel like I lose things there, I scroll past things,

307
00:17:11.040 --> 00:17:13.760
it just doesn't work very well for me.

308
00:17:13.760 --> 00:17:17.359
So I always try to get on my computer.

309
00:17:17.359 --> 00:17:21.800
If anybody means that if they wanna use it on the computer,

310
00:17:22.319 --> 00:17:23.800
I would know that that is an option for you.

311
00:17:23.800 --> 00:17:28.800
It's just last year single, all lowercase dot app, okay?

312
00:17:31.640 --> 00:17:34.380
Some people like using the app on their phone

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00:17:34.380 --> 00:17:35.960
better than the computer.

314
00:17:35.960 --> 00:17:38.400
Some people like the computer better than the phone.

315
00:17:38.400 --> 00:17:40.760
I think everybody likes her phone better.

316
00:17:40.760 --> 00:17:42.680
I like the computer better.

317
00:17:42.680 --> 00:17:47.680
So we kind of, we both use both platforms, okay?

318
00:17:48.680 --> 00:17:53.640
But okay, so yeah, coaching, that's what's available.

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00:17:53.640 --> 00:17:57.080
Now, some people do, at times,

320
00:17:57.080 --> 00:18:01.720
feel like they have a lot more stuff to process

321
00:18:01.720 --> 00:18:05.200
where they really want more one-on-one time

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00:18:05.200 --> 00:18:07.600
specifically with a coach.

323
00:18:07.600 --> 00:18:10.400
And so we do have those services available.

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They are an additional charge.

325
00:18:12.360 --> 00:18:17.360
But you can purchase that through our Jackie's website

326
00:18:18.280 --> 00:18:20.200
you can go to the resource tab.

327
00:18:20.200 --> 00:18:22.400
It will be under hire a coach

328
00:18:22.400 --> 00:18:26.780
that will give you a 50 minute session with a coach.

329
00:18:26.780 --> 00:18:30.760
So myself, Ebony, we have coaches from phase one,

330
00:18:30.760 --> 00:18:32.720
phase three, all of that.

331
00:18:32.720 --> 00:18:35.920
If you think that, you know what,

332
00:18:35.920 --> 00:18:38.420
I just really need to be able to talk back and forth

333
00:18:38.420 --> 00:18:42.540
with a coach for a significant amount of time, okay?

334
00:18:43.520 --> 00:18:45.600
I've had several people do that

335
00:18:45.640 --> 00:18:46.720
because they really want to be able

336
00:18:46.720 --> 00:18:49.320
to process through situations.

337
00:18:49.320 --> 00:18:50.920
I have a girl right now,

338
00:18:50.920 --> 00:18:55.920
she was with me six or seven months ago in phase two,

339
00:18:56.600 --> 00:19:00.520
going through a dating situation,

340
00:19:00.520 --> 00:19:03.100
ended up releasing that guy

341
00:19:03.100 --> 00:19:05.660
and then found herself in another relationship.

342
00:19:05.660 --> 00:19:08.480
And so I've been coaching her through that relationship.

343
00:19:08.480 --> 00:19:10.360
She's now engaged to be married.

344
00:19:10.360 --> 00:19:12.680
And so I'm now even, she's, you know,

345
00:19:12.680 --> 00:19:15.460
seeing, you know, still getting coaching with me,

346
00:19:16.300 --> 00:19:17.540
every month or two,

347
00:19:17.540 --> 00:19:19.740
to kind of walk through the engagement process

348
00:19:19.740 --> 00:19:23.340
and the, you know, what to kind of prepare for.

349
00:19:23.340 --> 00:19:26.780
Okay, so just know that those things are available.

350
00:19:27.640 --> 00:19:30.060
Okay, I feel like I spent a lot of time on that.

351
00:19:30.060 --> 00:19:30.900
Sorry, Karen.

352
00:19:33.460 --> 00:19:35.020
No, I love it when you're here

353
00:19:35.020 --> 00:19:40.020
because having you here helps me stay accountable to myself.

354
00:19:40.540 --> 00:19:42.220
So know that I'm not calling you out.

355
00:19:42.220 --> 00:19:44.420
Like you are actually a tool to help me.

356
00:19:44.460 --> 00:19:47.300
So don't feel like I'm calling you out.

357
00:19:47.300 --> 00:19:49.540
Like you are actually like, I value that.

358
00:19:49.540 --> 00:19:51.540
I actually really, really appreciate it.

359
00:19:51.540 --> 00:19:52.380
Okay.

360
00:19:53.780 --> 00:19:56.460
Okay, so, all right.

361
00:19:56.460 --> 00:19:58.340
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, okay.

362
00:19:58.340 --> 00:20:00.140
I'm not gonna go into like.

363
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:05.700
Well, like I know I have a huge thing of notes here where I can go in and we could talk all day about boundaries

364
00:20:05.700 --> 00:20:08.860
I'm not gonna do that because y'all have a

365
00:20:10.500 --> 00:20:13.580
Video which is one of your last videos in this phase

366
00:20:14.220 --> 00:20:18.360
That you'll watch Renee does an amazing job teaching on boundaries

367
00:20:19.140 --> 00:20:25.900
Believe it or not ladies boundaries are not just for dating not just for you know a relationship with a husband

368
00:20:26.260 --> 00:20:27.580
It's

369
00:20:27.580 --> 00:20:29.460
relationship altogether

370
00:20:29.460 --> 00:20:35.820
Okay, so it is really really a very valuable teaching. I suggest watching it more than once

371
00:20:36.180 --> 00:20:41.100
So if you have already watched it, don't refresh yourself watch it again

372
00:20:41.740 --> 00:20:43.940
Okay, if you haven't watched it

373
00:20:45.060 --> 00:20:47.980
You're in for a treat. It'll be good. It'll be valuable

374
00:20:48.180 --> 00:20:52.740
Don't rush to it if you're brand new because it's one of your last videos one video a week

375
00:20:53.460 --> 00:20:55.460
tops, okay

376
00:20:55.940 --> 00:20:57.020
Um

377
00:20:57.020 --> 00:21:01.900
But it's just gonna kind of give you a breakdown of what boundaries are why they're useful

378
00:21:02.100 --> 00:21:06.860
You know Jesus use boundaries. It just really outlines it really really well

379
00:21:07.420 --> 00:21:09.420
It talks a lot about you know

380
00:21:10.380 --> 00:21:12.700
even beginning stages of boundaries like

381
00:21:13.300 --> 00:21:15.300
Believe it or not like we all

382
00:21:15.820 --> 00:21:16.860
have

383
00:21:16.860 --> 00:21:18.860
stuff tied to boundaries

384
00:21:18.940 --> 00:21:20.780
from our parents

385
00:21:20.780 --> 00:21:25.060
Like and it's even how like our attachment styles can be formed

386
00:21:26.300 --> 00:21:32.340
Like babies attach to parents. So think of all the different scenarios

387
00:21:33.620 --> 00:21:38.620
That could happen like we all come from different families different backgrounds different

388
00:21:39.340 --> 00:21:41.380
situations different family lives

389
00:21:42.060 --> 00:21:44.140
so you can see how

390
00:21:45.180 --> 00:21:47.180
everybody has

391
00:21:47.580 --> 00:21:51.500
these different dynamics that could

392
00:21:53.020 --> 00:21:55.020
Literally

393
00:21:56.380 --> 00:22:03.060
Influence how someone views boundaries or how someone shows up with boundaries

394
00:22:04.100 --> 00:22:12.020
Okay, so it's so important to really be able to stay in tune with that and be very

395
00:22:12.260 --> 00:22:14.620
Self-aware of that. So I really want to spend some time

396
00:22:16.100 --> 00:22:22.100
Walking you ladies through that especially when it comes to dating. I think it's very very useful

397
00:22:22.260 --> 00:22:28.780
So just real quick, you know boundaries kind of just define like who you are and who you aren't

398
00:22:29.420 --> 00:22:34.180
What you like what you don't like what are you willing to tolerate and what you're not?

399
00:22:34.980 --> 00:22:36.460
Okay

400
00:22:36.460 --> 00:22:42.420
Like those are kind of like that's just kind of the the underbelly that the foundation of what boundaries are

401
00:22:43.140 --> 00:22:45.140
Okay

402
00:22:45.180 --> 00:22:47.180
If they form with your parents

403
00:22:47.780 --> 00:22:49.780
Okay, there's

404
00:22:49.900 --> 00:22:52.500
Believe it or not. I don't think I've

405
00:22:53.180 --> 00:22:55.500
Coaching through this for two years now

406
00:22:56.380 --> 00:22:58.380
Walking through the heart work myself

407
00:22:59.180 --> 00:23:04.740
Going through 42 years of life myself. I don't think I've ever met a person that

408
00:23:05.860 --> 00:23:07.860
hasn't struggled

409
00:23:08.380 --> 00:23:10.140
with some

410
00:23:10.140 --> 00:23:12.140
level of boundaries in

411
00:23:12.780 --> 00:23:14.780
one shape or another

412
00:23:14.860 --> 00:23:16.860
Believe it or not. Okay

413
00:23:17.340 --> 00:23:19.340
Believe it or not. Okay

414
00:23:20.860 --> 00:23:24.020
Because at some point

415
00:23:25.340 --> 00:23:27.340
Someone struggled somewhere

416
00:23:28.060 --> 00:23:30.060
We live in a world of sin

417
00:23:30.340 --> 00:23:32.340
Okay, it's cursed

418
00:23:32.420 --> 00:23:36.780
So I always like to think of boundaries as like this foundation

419
00:23:37.460 --> 00:23:39.460
Like it's a house almost

420
00:23:40.100 --> 00:23:43.300
okay, and so when you think of like

421
00:23:44.220 --> 00:23:46.220
boundaries you think of

422
00:23:46.940 --> 00:23:48.940
These like

423
00:23:49.260 --> 00:23:54.660
Bricks almost and so if you have these building bricks and they have holes in them

424
00:23:56.060 --> 00:23:59.620
Like you're gonna want to fill those holes

425
00:24:01.900 --> 00:24:06.420
And so those holes might represent things that you never received

426
00:24:09.420 --> 00:24:14.540
And some people maybe didn't receive a lot and they might have a lot more holes than some of us others

427
00:24:16.900 --> 00:24:19.260
Some of us might have gone in there and filled in the holes

428
00:24:21.260 --> 00:24:23.940
With things that aren't good fillers

429
00:24:26.700 --> 00:24:31.100
So those holes would be things like maybe you didn't receive enough love or

430
00:24:32.420 --> 00:24:34.020
affection or

431
00:24:34.020 --> 00:24:40.740
Attention or protection for whatever the reason whether it was intentional or not

432
00:24:43.500 --> 00:24:45.500
So I think

433
00:24:46.220 --> 00:24:48.220
I don't think I've ever met a person where they

434
00:24:48.860 --> 00:24:50.460
ever said I

435
00:24:50.460 --> 00:24:55.260
Received all those things all the time, especially in my childhood. I

436
00:24:56.860 --> 00:24:59.100
Really don't and if you have

437
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:10.000
Mad props, I mean, I want to shake your hand, I don't know, like, seriously, I mean, I'm

438
00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:11.000
surprised.

439
00:25:11.000 --> 00:25:19.840
I'm not going to say you're lying, but you're going to have to hard sell me on it.

440
00:25:19.840 --> 00:25:25.840
We've all at one point or another have felt like we didn't receive something that we needed,

441
00:25:25.840 --> 00:25:37.600
whether it was from a parent, a sibling, a teacher, a coach, a friend, somebody significant,

442
00:25:37.600 --> 00:25:48.440
a relationship like maybe a boyfriend, a spouse, a former spouse, okay?

443
00:25:48.440 --> 00:25:58.680
So we all just keep that in mind, like we all have stuff, so I always like to, I love

444
00:25:58.680 --> 00:26:03.040
that Jackie says we all have yellow flags, okay?

445
00:26:03.040 --> 00:26:13.860
Now what I also like to look at is that you also have these cracks, okay?

446
00:26:13.860 --> 00:26:17.960
Those cracks now, so we have these holes, and so what we're going to do is we're going

447
00:26:17.960 --> 00:26:20.700
to use Jesus to fill those holes.

448
00:26:20.700 --> 00:26:27.140
Now in a perfect world, we all would have used Jesus to fill the holes, right?

449
00:26:27.140 --> 00:26:31.740
We'd have this great beautiful foundation, but we all don't do that, myself included,

450
00:26:31.740 --> 00:26:32.980
all right?

451
00:26:32.980 --> 00:26:38.060
So we don't always do that, all right?

452
00:26:38.060 --> 00:26:41.860
But when we do, it's good, all right?

453
00:26:41.860 --> 00:26:51.120
But it doesn't mean that there aren't still cracks there, and we might go and patch a

454
00:26:51.120 --> 00:26:59.080
crack and those cracks are going to be things like things that harmed us, whether it's abuse,

455
00:26:59.080 --> 00:27:08.040
so this could be physical abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse, abandonment, rejection, isolation,

456
00:27:08.040 --> 00:27:15.220
you name it, okay, trauma, all right?

457
00:27:15.220 --> 00:27:18.780
We've done some hard work on that stuff, right?

458
00:27:18.780 --> 00:27:23.820
You've probably put some stuff on those cracks, right?

459
00:27:23.820 --> 00:27:30.500
But I want to remind you ladies that healing will come in layers, and so sometimes what

460
00:27:30.500 --> 00:27:36.820
can happen is when we put more stuff on those and we start building a little bit more on

461
00:27:36.840 --> 00:27:44.040
those, those cracks, if they're really not like filled with Jesus and we haven't really

462
00:27:44.040 --> 00:27:50.680
sorted those out, that crack might have a little bit, like we maybe just missed it,

463
00:27:50.680 --> 00:27:56.840
that pressure can start building a little bit more of a crack, because as we're adding

464
00:27:56.840 --> 00:28:06.620
something new to it, more pressure to it, it could create a little bit more of a, like

465
00:28:06.620 --> 00:28:07.620
a bigger crack.

466
00:28:07.620 --> 00:28:12.420
I don't know if that's making sense, maybe it will.

467
00:28:12.420 --> 00:28:20.180
So again, these are just all like, I want you ladies to get that into perspective, not

468
00:28:20.180 --> 00:28:27.240
as a doom and gloom, but as a just awareness.

469
00:28:27.240 --> 00:28:32.440
We all have this, and it's nothing to be afraid of.

470
00:28:32.440 --> 00:28:38.160
If anything, we now have heart work and we have heart work tools to fix all of that.

471
00:28:38.160 --> 00:28:40.800
We got Jesus, okay?

472
00:28:40.800 --> 00:28:49.360
So and again, we all have that stuff, and so because of where all of those traumas and

473
00:28:49.380 --> 00:28:56.180
wounds and abuses and things that maybe we didn't receive that, you know, we really needed

474
00:28:56.180 --> 00:29:01.460
in order to bond, and now we have some of these boundaries have just kind of been like

475
00:29:01.460 --> 00:29:07.860
disheveled, like we got some stuff to work on, right?

476
00:29:07.860 --> 00:29:16.540
So all right, before I kind of dive in too much here, because I already see myself doing

477
00:29:16.920 --> 00:29:24.200
So I'm going to put some boundaries on myself right now, and I'm going to get us back somewhere

478
00:29:24.200 --> 00:29:25.800
else here, okay?

479
00:29:25.800 --> 00:29:31.800
I want to, let's push it back towards where we're at now, okay?

480
00:29:31.800 --> 00:29:34.960
We have questions on these boundaries and where they're formed.

481
00:29:34.960 --> 00:29:38.040
By all means, we'll open the floor to questions here a little bit.

482
00:29:38.040 --> 00:29:39.040
Sound good?

483
00:29:39.040 --> 00:29:41.040
Because I want to have some fun.

484
00:29:41.040 --> 00:29:45.040
Does anybody else want to have some fun?

485
00:29:45.040 --> 00:29:46.040
Okay.

486
00:29:46.040 --> 00:29:47.040
All right, yes.

487
00:29:47.040 --> 00:29:50.040
Attachment issues for sure.

488
00:29:50.040 --> 00:29:51.040
Yep.

489
00:29:51.040 --> 00:29:55.040
I can list my own stuff as well.

490
00:29:55.040 --> 00:30:00.040
Comes from traumas and all that kind of stuff, some areas where those boundaries.

491
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:08.560
may have been injured. Okay. All right. So, last year's single, we really do, like again,

492
00:30:08.560 --> 00:30:13.040
we will not give you hard, like hard, fast rules, but we're going to give you guardrails.

493
00:30:14.080 --> 00:30:23.280
Okay. Which we really strongly encourage you to follow. So, there are three boundaries that we

494
00:30:23.280 --> 00:30:30.640
strongly, strongly encourage all the members here to really adhere to. And there's like a reason for

495
00:30:30.640 --> 00:30:38.400
that. Okay. In order to form like a really good, healthy, high form of relationship. And this

496
00:30:38.400 --> 00:30:43.840
doesn't just go in like a romantic relationship. This just goes in all relationships. But I'm

497
00:30:43.840 --> 00:30:49.360
specifically even talking about y'all are here to date. Y'all are here to get married. Okay.

498
00:30:49.440 --> 00:30:55.280
This is really important. So, when I'm talking about these, and again, I know some of you ladies

499
00:30:55.280 --> 00:31:01.440
aren't dating. But these are three boundaries that I really want you ladies to consider. And I know

500
00:31:01.440 --> 00:31:05.760
for some of you, it will push your buttons. And that's okay. We can always talk about it.

501
00:31:06.880 --> 00:31:12.080
And there's no judgment. Okay. First boundary is going to be physical boundaries.

502
00:31:13.040 --> 00:31:21.360
Okay. Most of you ladies that come in here, I don't feel like I have a huge

503
00:31:22.080 --> 00:31:28.080
like pushback on this is you're waiting to have sex before marriage.

504
00:31:30.880 --> 00:31:35.920
Most women that come in here, that's, that's the desire of their heart. Now,

505
00:31:36.880 --> 00:31:42.240
I also know that that's where a lot of discouragement comes in because women are like,

506
00:31:43.360 --> 00:31:51.440
but there's no man out there that will wait. I get it. All right. We can, we can discuss all

507
00:31:51.440 --> 00:31:57.040
that stuff. But right now, I'm just trying to lay out what our boundaries are, especially for my

508
00:31:57.040 --> 00:32:03.760
ladies that are brand new to this phase and might not have heard these boundaries yet. Okay. You

509
00:32:04.640 --> 00:32:10.320
were waiting no sex before marriage. And there's ways of being able to hold those boundaries and

510
00:32:10.320 --> 00:32:19.760
dating. And we will, we will walk you through that. Okay. I also myself personally and strongly

511
00:32:19.760 --> 00:32:30.560
encourage no kissing until you're an exclusive relationship. This one was a hard one for me.

512
00:32:31.120 --> 00:32:37.360
This is one that like challenged me, but God really convicted my heart on this one,

513
00:32:37.360 --> 00:32:43.680
even before I came into this community. So when Jackie like was like, oh yeah, no, y'all like,

514
00:32:43.680 --> 00:32:50.480
don't, don't be, you know, we're, we're getting to know people and we're encouraging you ladies,

515
00:32:50.480 --> 00:32:58.160
like it's okay to date more than one person at a time. You're not swapping spit with more than

516
00:32:58.960 --> 00:33:03.840
one person at a time. That's where like, a lot of times ladies are like,

517
00:33:03.840 --> 00:33:07.360
oh, I just don't feel right about that. And that's my first question is like, well,

518
00:33:07.360 --> 00:33:15.120
is it because you're kissing? Cause if you kiss in multiple men at one time, I can understand that.

519
00:33:15.840 --> 00:33:24.560
Cause you have this physical connection, this bonding with a person. Y'all, I was a kissing

520
00:33:24.560 --> 00:33:33.840
bandit. I loved kissing. Like, yes, Kelly. I was like, I want, I want your, I want to know

521
00:33:33.840 --> 00:33:39.840
you're a good kisser. Like I want to know cause I'm not trying to spend time with somebody that

522
00:33:39.840 --> 00:33:47.600
can't kiss. I mean, let's be real ladies. Who's kissed somebody that's just not a good kisser.

523
00:33:47.600 --> 00:34:01.840
Let's be real. Like if you kiss someone that's not a good kisser, I mean, are you real? Like if

524
00:34:01.840 --> 00:34:09.760
he's got down on one knee and proposed to you, like, are you going to say yes? Let's be honest.

525
00:34:10.719 --> 00:34:21.040
No, we don't. Okay. So I get it. All right. But in those beginning stages where you're getting to

526
00:34:21.040 --> 00:34:27.440
know someone, you're not looking for that just yet. Okay. We're not kissing anybody just yet.

527
00:34:28.320 --> 00:34:35.440
We don't need to know that we're wanting to get to know the person, the quality of their heart,

528
00:34:35.520 --> 00:34:44.239
the qualities and characteristics of who they are. How do they show up? Do they,

529
00:34:44.239 --> 00:34:50.400
are they who they say they are? Ladies in those beginning stages, when y'all are dating,

530
00:34:52.400 --> 00:34:58.480
men and women will sit there and tell you what you want to hear. You're going to paint yourself,

531
00:34:58.480 --> 00:34:59.040
like.

532
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:03.780
You're a catch, because you are.

533
00:35:03.780 --> 00:35:08.380
The only time that sometimes that does not always happen is that if someone really does

534
00:35:08.380 --> 00:35:12.460
struggle with some really deep rooted insecurity.

535
00:35:12.460 --> 00:35:16.700
And if that's you, or if you're on a date with somebody, we can walk you through that.

536
00:35:16.700 --> 00:35:19.900
That's just some hard work stuff.

537
00:35:19.900 --> 00:35:21.340
Okay?

538
00:35:21.340 --> 00:35:25.980
But you don't need to go into that physical right out the gate.

539
00:35:25.980 --> 00:35:27.860
You just really don't.

540
00:35:28.860 --> 00:35:30.340
All right?

541
00:35:30.340 --> 00:35:34.020
Without going into too much detail, I tell this story often.

542
00:35:34.020 --> 00:35:35.780
I always get a good chuckle.

543
00:35:35.780 --> 00:35:38.980
I don't know if my husband loves me telling this story.

544
00:35:38.980 --> 00:35:43.180
I laugh at it, because it's funny to me.

545
00:35:43.180 --> 00:35:51.060
But my husband, on our first date, asked if he could kiss me, and I told him no.

546
00:35:51.060 --> 00:35:55.420
And I think he was just kind of like, oh, like, no?

547
00:35:55.420 --> 00:35:56.420
Like we had a good date.

548
00:35:56.420 --> 00:36:00.140
I think he was just like, I think it threw him off.

549
00:36:00.140 --> 00:36:05.740
Like, he was just like, maybe I'm misreading this date or something.

550
00:36:05.740 --> 00:36:08.860
And I was just like, yeah, no.

551
00:36:08.860 --> 00:36:12.260
And I was like, do you want me, like, and I was like, do you want to know why?

552
00:36:12.260 --> 00:36:14.700
And he's like, well, you don't have to tell me.

553
00:36:14.700 --> 00:36:18.020
And I was like, well, I'm just, I'm going to be honest with you.

554
00:36:18.020 --> 00:36:22.660
I'm not going to kiss anybody that I'm not in an exclusive relationship with.

555
00:36:23.540 --> 00:36:27.820
Like, it was important for him to know, like, hey, I'm just not kissing you.

556
00:36:27.820 --> 00:36:30.220
I'm not kissing anybody.

557
00:36:30.220 --> 00:36:35.820
And then I was also just being like, look, that's something that I put for myself,

558
00:36:35.820 --> 00:36:38.820
so that if we continue dating and he was dating other people

559
00:36:38.820 --> 00:36:44.420
and swap and spit with other people, it's not going to be a turnoff for me.

560
00:36:44.420 --> 00:36:46.020
Believe it or not.

561
00:36:46.020 --> 00:36:48.220
Like, no.

562
00:36:48.220 --> 00:36:53.580
But I still married him, OK?

563
00:36:53.580 --> 00:36:57.420
He still chose to date me, even though I didn't kiss them, ladies.

564
00:36:57.420 --> 00:36:59.580
All right?

565
00:36:59.580 --> 00:37:03.220
So there's men out there, OK?

566
00:37:03.220 --> 00:37:04.700
Emotional boundaries, OK?

567
00:37:04.700 --> 00:37:06.500
I'm going to try to get us through here, because I really

568
00:37:06.500 --> 00:37:07.860
want to do this breakout session.

569
00:37:07.860 --> 00:37:12.580
I really want to get us doing what I have planned for us.

570
00:37:12.580 --> 00:37:15.980
Emotional boundaries, OK?

571
00:37:16.860 --> 00:37:21.820
This is important for those of you who, like, if you were like me,

572
00:37:21.820 --> 00:37:24.100
is like an overshare.

573
00:37:24.100 --> 00:37:27.020
I'm a highly emotional person.

574
00:37:27.020 --> 00:37:30.660
If you listen to Jackie's Supernatural Saturday,

575
00:37:30.660 --> 00:37:32.260
I'm a highly sensitive person.

576
00:37:32.260 --> 00:37:35.220
I'm in, what did Jackie say, HSP?

577
00:37:35.220 --> 00:37:39.180
Like, I am definitely one of those people.

578
00:37:39.180 --> 00:37:45.540
I will just share it all with you, OK?

579
00:37:45.540 --> 00:37:50.260
Like, try not to do that on your dates, ladies.

580
00:37:50.260 --> 00:37:51.900
Like, these men are strangers.

581
00:37:51.900 --> 00:38:01.260
You do not want to exchange, like, high, personal, intimate

582
00:38:01.260 --> 00:38:04.300
details about your life.

583
00:38:04.300 --> 00:38:07.340
Like, we don't want you diving into the X-Files.

584
00:38:07.340 --> 00:38:10.500
We don't need you talking about traumas.

585
00:38:10.500 --> 00:38:13.980
Believe it or not, there's a thing called trauma bonding.

586
00:38:13.980 --> 00:38:15.420
All right?

587
00:38:15.420 --> 00:38:17.620
And that just doesn't happen in relationships, y'all.

588
00:38:17.620 --> 00:38:22.460
I've had to even talk with my children about this, OK?

589
00:38:22.460 --> 00:38:24.820
I have bonus children.

590
00:38:24.820 --> 00:38:27.500
I have a biological child, and I have two bonus children.

591
00:38:27.500 --> 00:38:31.900
My bonus children, their biological mother

592
00:38:31.900 --> 00:38:35.020
passed away six years ago, OK?

593
00:38:35.020 --> 00:38:36.740
So they both experienced trauma.

594
00:38:36.740 --> 00:38:41.660
They both lost their mom to cancer.

595
00:38:41.660 --> 00:38:44.940
And so, you know, one of my children

596
00:38:44.940 --> 00:38:49.700
struggles with meeting people right out the gate

597
00:38:49.700 --> 00:38:53.580
and immediately wants attention, affection,

598
00:38:53.580 --> 00:39:00.180
and wants to just word vomit and, like, connect with people

599
00:39:00.180 --> 00:39:05.740
and tell everybody about how they lost their mom.

600
00:39:05.740 --> 00:39:09.460
And I've had to walk, like, and talk with my kids

601
00:39:09.460 --> 00:39:12.380
about how important it is that, you know,

602
00:39:12.380 --> 00:39:18.380
you have to guard some of those intimate details

603
00:39:18.380 --> 00:39:22.380
and really get to know someone before you

604
00:39:22.380 --> 00:39:26.140
share that information, OK?

605
00:39:26.140 --> 00:39:28.260
Trust, like, you're letting someone

606
00:39:28.260 --> 00:39:32.740
into, like, a sensitive space in your heart.

607
00:39:32.740 --> 00:39:34.820
And so you're not going to want to sit here and talk

608
00:39:34.820 --> 00:39:37.980
about traumas of your past and what hurt you

609
00:39:37.980 --> 00:39:42.100
and what, you know, happened to your ex, why you're divorced,

610
00:39:42.100 --> 00:39:45.260
you know, why you're divorced, what your ex did to you,

611
00:39:45.260 --> 00:39:48.220
you know, how you might have been abused as a kid.

612
00:39:48.220 --> 00:39:51.780
Like, you do not want to get into that.

613
00:39:51.780 --> 00:39:58.700
Those are really, really detailed, personal, intimate

614
00:39:58.700 --> 00:40:00.980
information about you.

615
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.580
Okay, so practice pacing those things.

616
00:40:04.580 --> 00:40:06.740
Really get to know someone.

617
00:40:06.740 --> 00:40:09.020
It doesn't mean that as you get to know someone

618
00:40:09.020 --> 00:40:12.300
that you're not gonna eventually at some point share that,

619
00:40:13.460 --> 00:40:16.380
but it's really about practicing the pacing

620
00:40:16.380 --> 00:40:18.380
and when is it appropriate?

621
00:40:18.380 --> 00:40:19.940
And I get the question all the time.

622
00:40:19.940 --> 00:40:21.960
Well, when's it appropriate?

623
00:40:21.960 --> 00:40:23.380
How long?

624
00:40:23.380 --> 00:40:25.080
How many dates do I need to be on?

625
00:40:25.080 --> 00:40:26.980
Ladies, I wish I could tell you

626
00:40:26.980 --> 00:40:30.080
there's a certain number of dates, but there isn't.

627
00:40:31.600 --> 00:40:34.740
We can give you a ballpark, but there really just isn't.

628
00:40:34.740 --> 00:40:38.280
It really is about the connection,

629
00:40:38.280 --> 00:40:42.600
like the intentional time that you spend with the person.

630
00:40:43.640 --> 00:40:48.000
Like it's the communication is huge.

631
00:40:48.960 --> 00:40:51.060
I mean, people could go on five dates,

632
00:40:51.060 --> 00:40:53.640
but if two people really struggle

633
00:40:53.640 --> 00:40:56.820
at being able to communicate with one another,

634
00:40:56.820 --> 00:41:00.520
you're not really technically been on five dates.

635
00:41:01.700 --> 00:41:04.700
Okay, so I hope that makes a little bit of sense.

636
00:41:05.780 --> 00:41:08.700
And then the last one, and this is a hard one.

637
00:41:08.700 --> 00:41:12.380
Get ready, ladies, spiritual boundaries.

638
00:41:12.380 --> 00:41:14.980
This one I get a lot of pushback,

639
00:41:14.980 --> 00:41:19.140
especially from my ladies that are like in ministry.

640
00:41:22.460 --> 00:41:25.940
A lot of people really, really struggle with this,

641
00:41:25.940 --> 00:41:30.940
with they want to go to church, out the gate with somebody.

642
00:41:31.340 --> 00:41:32.780
They want to invite someone into church.

643
00:41:32.780 --> 00:41:33.940
They want to go to somebody's church.

644
00:41:33.940 --> 00:41:38.260
They love it when they talk on the phone

645
00:41:38.260 --> 00:41:39.540
with a guy the first time,

646
00:41:39.540 --> 00:41:43.780
and he wants to pray for you or over you.

647
00:41:43.780 --> 00:41:45.460
And, oh, why don't we pray together?

648
00:41:45.460 --> 00:41:47.180
Hey, how about we do a Bible study together?

649
00:41:47.180 --> 00:41:49.500
And y'all haven't even met in person yet.

650
00:41:53.160 --> 00:41:55.700
Or, oh, how about you come to my church?

651
00:41:56.460 --> 00:42:00.100
Y'all, you're inviting them into your intimate space.

652
00:42:02.460 --> 00:42:03.380
I get it, y'all.

653
00:42:03.380 --> 00:42:06.700
I went on, I invited a guy to my church on a third date

654
00:42:07.700 --> 00:42:09.260
while I was in this community.

655
00:42:12.260 --> 00:42:16.140
All right, so I get it, all right?

656
00:42:16.140 --> 00:42:20.900
If you've done it or if you do it, it's okay.

657
00:42:20.900 --> 00:42:23.060
I'm not gonna judge you.

658
00:42:23.060 --> 00:42:28.060
I'm just gonna speak to you like from experience, okay?

659
00:42:29.020 --> 00:42:31.620
And I'm not saying that people who've done that,

660
00:42:31.620 --> 00:42:34.340
it hasn't worked out for them, okay?

661
00:42:34.340 --> 00:42:38.180
But I'm gonna say to you, more oftentimes than not,

662
00:42:38.180 --> 00:42:41.140
it's gotten really, really sticky,

663
00:42:41.140 --> 00:42:44.420
and it's hard to see red flags

664
00:42:44.420 --> 00:42:48.580
when you've shared some spiritual intimacy with a person.

665
00:42:48.580 --> 00:42:52.060
Just like it's really hard to see red flags, ladies,

666
00:42:52.060 --> 00:42:55.180
when you've had sex with somebody.

667
00:42:57.060 --> 00:42:59.020
And I say that from experience, right?

668
00:42:59.020 --> 00:43:01.060
I'm gonna get real with you, ladies, okay?

669
00:43:01.060 --> 00:43:05.780
I'm gonna let you in into a little bit of my world, okay?

670
00:43:05.780 --> 00:43:06.780
All right?

671
00:43:06.780 --> 00:43:10.580
I'm gonna share a little vulnerable information

672
00:43:10.580 --> 00:43:13.700
about myself, okay?

673
00:43:13.700 --> 00:43:15.780
So I was just telling you I have two bonus children

674
00:43:15.780 --> 00:43:19.180
and I have a child of my own, okay?

675
00:43:19.180 --> 00:43:23.260
The husband I'm married to now is my first marriage.

676
00:43:24.380 --> 00:43:29.380
He is not the biological father of my birth child, okay?

677
00:43:29.980 --> 00:43:34.980
So I had a child out of wedlock, all right?

678
00:43:37.460 --> 00:43:40.100
As a Christian, all right?

679
00:43:40.100 --> 00:43:41.780
I was going to church, y'all.

680
00:43:44.940 --> 00:43:49.060
So I get it, all right?

681
00:43:50.180 --> 00:43:54.740
But what I will tell you from my own experience,

682
00:43:56.140 --> 00:44:01.140
because I allowed that physical intimacy,

683
00:44:01.180 --> 00:44:03.540
and he was someone that I even went to church with,

684
00:44:03.540 --> 00:44:06.060
my son's father was someone that I just thought,

685
00:44:06.060 --> 00:44:07.700
oh, well, we talked about Jesus

686
00:44:07.700 --> 00:44:09.380
and oh, he said all the right things

687
00:44:09.380 --> 00:44:11.060
and oh, he went to church

688
00:44:11.060 --> 00:44:13.060
and oh, we were gonna go to church together

689
00:44:13.060 --> 00:44:15.940
and we were doing all these things together.

690
00:44:15.940 --> 00:44:18.500
So then I thought it was okay to sleep with him.

691
00:44:19.340 --> 00:44:20.500
And I get pregnant,

692
00:44:21.940 --> 00:44:26.460
I did not see all of the glaring red flags.

693
00:44:28.100 --> 00:44:33.100
Y'all, I was so intimately,

694
00:44:33.100 --> 00:44:35.620
spiritually, physically connected,

695
00:44:35.620 --> 00:44:37.540
I just saw what I wanted to see.

696
00:44:37.540 --> 00:44:39.340
Like I didn't want,

697
00:44:39.340 --> 00:44:42.780
I just was refusing to see what those flags were.

698
00:44:43.620 --> 00:44:45.140
Because I just wanted what I wanted.

699
00:44:45.140 --> 00:44:48.860
I wanted to be loved, I wanted marriage.

700
00:44:49.700 --> 00:44:50.540
Then I got pregnant and I'm like,

701
00:44:50.540 --> 00:44:54.780
oh God, I can't not be with the baby's father.

702
00:44:56.380 --> 00:44:58.220
I can't do that.

703
00:44:58.220 --> 00:45:00.380
Like I started operating out of this fear.

704
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:05.000
and we miss all of those flags.

705
00:45:06.060 --> 00:45:09.680
Okay, so that's kind of why those boundaries are in place,

706
00:45:09.680 --> 00:45:13.160
because as soon as you decide to cross those boundaries,

707
00:45:13.160 --> 00:45:17.700
it's sometimes really hard to go back over

708
00:45:17.700 --> 00:45:21.360
and take those boundaries back, okay?

709
00:45:21.360 --> 00:45:24.600
And we can go into more detail, ladies, later if you want.

710
00:45:24.600 --> 00:45:28.700
Okay, so what I want to do with you all now,

711
00:45:28.700 --> 00:45:31.060
I am gonna break us up into,

712
00:45:31.060 --> 00:45:34.660
and this is gonna involve lots of participation, okay?

713
00:45:34.660 --> 00:45:36.460
So I hope this is gonna be helpful.

714
00:45:36.460 --> 00:45:37.660
I'm gonna get lots of good stuff.

715
00:45:37.660 --> 00:45:39.820
I think it's gonna be really, really useful

716
00:45:39.820 --> 00:45:41.980
for you ladies that are currently dating

717
00:45:41.980 --> 00:45:45.420
or you ladies that are going to be dating,

718
00:45:45.420 --> 00:45:47.260
or even if you're not dating,

719
00:45:47.260 --> 00:45:50.640
I think even just having some of this awareness

720
00:45:50.640 --> 00:45:52.300
is going to be really, really good.

721
00:45:52.300 --> 00:45:54.780
So some things that I want to do with you ladies.

722
00:45:54.780 --> 00:45:58.060
Okay, we're gonna do a breakout session, okay?

723
00:45:58.380 --> 00:46:00.620
A couple of things I want to share with you.

724
00:46:00.620 --> 00:46:04.440
I want you ladies to be thinking for yourself right now.

725
00:46:05.880 --> 00:46:09.700
This is important, because when I teach on boundaries,

726
00:46:09.700 --> 00:46:14.060
this is where it gets a little misunderstood, okay?

727
00:46:14.060 --> 00:46:17.460
Because everyone in here is a different individual.

728
00:46:17.460 --> 00:46:20.260
Everyone in here has different boundaries

729
00:46:20.260 --> 00:46:21.520
and different traumas.

730
00:46:22.620 --> 00:46:27.080
Some struggle because we don't set enough boundaries.

731
00:46:28.180 --> 00:46:29.500
We over-give.

732
00:46:31.860 --> 00:46:33.980
Like, the way I like to look at it is,

733
00:46:33.980 --> 00:46:37.180
you got this beautiful house, this beautiful yard,

734
00:46:37.180 --> 00:46:40.340
and you're letting everybody come to the yard.

735
00:46:40.340 --> 00:46:42.620
There's no fence.

736
00:46:42.620 --> 00:46:45.020
Or maybe you might put up this beautiful white fence,

737
00:46:45.020 --> 00:46:47.380
but the gate is just flying open.

738
00:46:47.380 --> 00:46:50.260
You're like, come, come, open house, let's go.

739
00:46:50.260 --> 00:46:52.140
Like, you want anybody and every,

740
00:46:52.140 --> 00:46:53.620
you want everybody to come in.

741
00:46:53.620 --> 00:46:56.140
You just want to be, oh, I just want to please everybody.

742
00:46:56.620 --> 00:47:01.620
Like, oh, just come, accept, just let everybody in, all right?

743
00:47:02.020 --> 00:47:04.620
Just bring everybody in, all right?

744
00:47:04.620 --> 00:47:09.620
So, we have a harder time with boundaries.

745
00:47:10.980 --> 00:47:13.620
We don't want to let people down.

746
00:47:13.620 --> 00:47:16.180
We're scared, we don't know.

747
00:47:16.180 --> 00:47:19.300
Like, ugh, I'm going to give a little too much,

748
00:47:19.300 --> 00:47:20.860
even though it might not be good to me,

749
00:47:20.860 --> 00:47:23.620
because I don't want someone to hurt me.

750
00:47:23.620 --> 00:47:28.100
I don't want someone to feel like I'm hurting them, all right?

751
00:47:28.100 --> 00:47:29.860
So, what do you think?

752
00:47:29.860 --> 00:47:31.580
Is that you?

753
00:47:31.580 --> 00:47:33.940
Are you someone that's like, ooh, yeah.

754
00:47:34.780 --> 00:47:37.260
I just don't, I don't struggle with boundaries

755
00:47:37.260 --> 00:47:38.860
because I don't have boundaries.

756
00:47:40.420 --> 00:47:43.260
I don't have very many boundaries at all, all right?

757
00:47:43.260 --> 00:47:44.100
So, what do you think?

758
00:47:44.100 --> 00:47:44.940
Is that you?

759
00:47:44.940 --> 00:47:45.780
Do you overgive?

760
00:47:45.780 --> 00:47:48.500
Do you have little to no boundaries, okay?

761
00:47:49.500 --> 00:47:54.500
Some of us, we set so many boundaries

762
00:47:54.500 --> 00:47:56.420
that we don't let people actually in

763
00:47:56.420 --> 00:48:00.540
to really truly know who we are, all right?

764
00:48:00.540 --> 00:48:03.860
I like to look at this as, you know,

765
00:48:04.700 --> 00:48:08.700
Jackie often says, those are the people that build the walls.

766
00:48:08.700 --> 00:48:11.700
And I always remember what Jackie always says.

767
00:48:11.700 --> 00:48:14.780
This is something that she said for years.

768
00:48:14.860 --> 00:48:19.300
The only people that climb walls are thieves.

769
00:48:20.180 --> 00:48:22.220
So, you build up these giant walls,

770
00:48:22.220 --> 00:48:25.220
you're gonna get thieves trying to climb over that wall,

771
00:48:25.220 --> 00:48:27.180
because they wanna know what's over that wall.

772
00:48:27.180 --> 00:48:28.460
That's interesting.

773
00:48:28.460 --> 00:48:31.580
I can't get to that over there, but I want it.

774
00:48:31.580 --> 00:48:34.020
So, I'm gonna see what I can get over there.

775
00:48:35.060 --> 00:48:37.140
Or think about like Fort Knox.

776
00:48:38.220 --> 00:48:39.540
You have to have a high,

777
00:48:39.540 --> 00:48:44.140
like someone has to have the highest security clearance

778
00:48:44.180 --> 00:48:45.860
just to get in,

779
00:48:47.220 --> 00:48:49.820
because there's so many boundaries.

780
00:48:50.980 --> 00:48:55.580
You got the code to get in,

781
00:48:55.580 --> 00:48:56.660
you got the fingerprint,

782
00:48:56.660 --> 00:48:59.220
you got the retina screening,

783
00:48:59.220 --> 00:49:02.100
you got, you know, I mean, anything and everything.

784
00:49:02.100 --> 00:49:04.020
You got like the razor blade,

785
00:49:06.300 --> 00:49:08.020
like, what do they call it?

786
00:49:08.020 --> 00:49:09.540
That like fencing.

787
00:49:09.540 --> 00:49:12.700
Like, you ain't getting in there.

788
00:49:12.700 --> 00:49:13.540
You got so many,

789
00:49:14.180 --> 00:49:16.460
you got just all the boundaries around you.

790
00:49:16.460 --> 00:49:17.980
Nobody's getting in.

791
00:49:17.980 --> 00:49:20.380
Like, you are like, I got this.

792
00:49:20.380 --> 00:49:21.980
Like, I'm good on boundaries.

793
00:49:21.980 --> 00:49:23.500
Like, I have no problems with boundaries.

794
00:49:23.500 --> 00:49:26.300
See, I got all these boundaries over here.

795
00:49:26.300 --> 00:49:27.660
You're like, I don't have problems with boundaries

796
00:49:27.660 --> 00:49:29.260
because I have boundaries.

797
00:49:30.580 --> 00:49:32.900
I want you to think, is that you?

798
00:49:32.900 --> 00:49:33.740
Okay?

799
00:49:34.980 --> 00:49:36.740
Both of these are boundaries,

800
00:49:36.740 --> 00:49:38.940
and both of these are forms of boundaries,

801
00:49:38.940 --> 00:49:41.100
and they're both of self,

802
00:49:41.100 --> 00:49:43.020
they're both forms of self-protection.

803
00:49:44.540 --> 00:49:47.620
One is protecting us from getting hurt at all

804
00:49:47.620 --> 00:49:49.540
and letting anybody in.

805
00:49:49.540 --> 00:49:52.860
The other one is protecting us from,

806
00:49:55.060 --> 00:49:57.500
you know, being alone.

807
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:01.320
We're so afraid of being alone.

808
00:50:01.320 --> 00:50:04.160
We don't want to keep anybody out.

809
00:50:04.160 --> 00:50:06.080
We don't wanna be rejected.

810
00:50:06.080 --> 00:50:07.960
We don't wanna be isolated.

811
00:50:07.960 --> 00:50:11.600
We don't want anybody to feel like they can't come in

812
00:50:11.600 --> 00:50:13.480
because we've been isolated.

813
00:50:13.480 --> 00:50:15.880
We've been rejected and we don't wanna feel that anymore.

814
00:50:15.880 --> 00:50:17.480
So we're gonna let everybody in.

815
00:50:19.320 --> 00:50:22.520
So we're protecting this feeling alone.

816
00:50:22.520 --> 00:50:25.880
So I want you ladies to keep in mind,

817
00:50:25.880 --> 00:50:30.880
healthy boundaries don't just keep harm out,

818
00:50:30.960 --> 00:50:34.760
they also let the right people in.

819
00:50:37.960 --> 00:50:42.200
Okay, you don't wanna put up too many boundaries

820
00:50:42.200 --> 00:50:44.480
because then the right people can't come in.

821
00:50:45.760 --> 00:50:50.120
You also don't wanna not have any boundaries whatsoever

822
00:50:50.120 --> 00:50:52.920
or not enough that you're letting all the wrong people

823
00:50:52.920 --> 00:50:55.520
come in and do damage.

824
00:50:55.560 --> 00:50:59.840
You don't wanna take that beautiful hippie garden, Callie,

825
00:50:59.840 --> 00:51:01.920
and they're gonna make it all nutty.

826
00:51:03.000 --> 00:51:04.800
You're not gonna have any pretty flowers in your garden

827
00:51:04.800 --> 00:51:07.640
because you got too many people walking around

828
00:51:07.640 --> 00:51:08.800
and they're stilettos.

829
00:51:08.800 --> 00:51:12.560
They're not gonna appreciate all the beautiful

830
00:51:13.800 --> 00:51:18.800
lavender and oregano and basil and all the things, right?

831
00:51:20.120 --> 00:51:23.240
But like Lovelette said,

832
00:51:23.240 --> 00:51:26.800
it's about finding that healthy balance, okay?

833
00:51:26.800 --> 00:51:30.600
So I want you to stop and think right now and ask yourself,

834
00:51:30.600 --> 00:51:35.600
am I someone that has very little boundaries

835
00:51:37.840 --> 00:51:42.840
or am I someone that has a whole lot of boundaries?

836
00:51:46.200 --> 00:51:50.000
Am I letting everybody into my yard or am I Fort Knox?

837
00:51:51.000 --> 00:51:53.160
I want you to go ahead and put in the chat

838
00:51:55.040 --> 00:51:57.680
which one you think you are.

839
00:51:57.680 --> 00:52:02.680
And as y'all are doing that, I've got some questions.

840
00:52:09.240 --> 00:52:13.400
Right, someone's letting everyone in.

841
00:52:16.000 --> 00:52:17.560
Okay, someone has very little

842
00:52:17.560 --> 00:52:19.080
but they have a very firm boundary

843
00:52:19.120 --> 00:52:20.400
about sex before marriage.

844
00:52:20.400 --> 00:52:21.440
That's good, that's good

845
00:52:21.440 --> 00:52:23.760
that you're starting to form a boundary.

846
00:52:23.760 --> 00:52:25.880
Paula has a lot more boundaries.

847
00:52:27.160 --> 00:52:29.920
Callie's like, okay, I kind of got both.

848
00:52:29.920 --> 00:52:32.520
She's like, she probably puts the walls up

849
00:52:32.520 --> 00:52:35.800
and then when she finds them, like, maybe I'll let you in.

850
00:52:35.800 --> 00:52:39.040
Now it's like, I'm gonna let you fully in, right?

851
00:52:39.040 --> 00:52:42.440
Like you feel like you can just let all the guards down.

852
00:52:43.440 --> 00:52:45.560
So that's good.

853
00:52:45.560 --> 00:52:47.920
Okay, someone a bit more like Fort Knox.

854
00:52:47.920 --> 00:52:49.720
Okay, so we've got some things.

855
00:52:49.720 --> 00:52:52.560
All right, I'm gonna put some questions here in the chat.

856
00:52:52.560 --> 00:52:53.480
So give me just a minute

857
00:52:53.480 --> 00:52:54.480
because I'm gonna copy and paste

858
00:52:54.480 --> 00:52:56.480
so this doesn't take me super long.

859
00:52:57.720 --> 00:52:59.200
I gotta find them here.

860
00:53:02.280 --> 00:53:07.280
All right, if you struggle with setting boundaries, okay

861
00:53:08.440 --> 00:53:10.880
which means you letting everybody into the yard.

862
00:53:12.400 --> 00:53:17.200
These questions, I want you to pick one.

863
00:53:17.240 --> 00:53:18.680
I want you just thinking about it right now.

864
00:53:18.680 --> 00:53:19.520
You're not answering

865
00:53:19.520 --> 00:53:21.120
because I'm gonna put you all in breakout rooms

866
00:53:21.120 --> 00:53:22.800
and you're gonna share it.

867
00:53:22.800 --> 00:53:24.880
Okay, I'm gonna give you like 90 seconds

868
00:53:24.880 --> 00:53:26.120
to share with each other.

869
00:53:27.560 --> 00:53:30.040
And then you're gonna complete the prompt.

870
00:53:32.360 --> 00:53:34.600
Okay, so there's three questions.

871
00:53:34.600 --> 00:53:36.240
I just want you to pick one.

872
00:53:37.520 --> 00:53:41.040
And then you're gonna complete the prompt.

873
00:53:41.040 --> 00:53:43.440
So these questions are for those of you

874
00:53:43.440 --> 00:53:45.960
that are like, I'm letting everybody in.

875
00:53:45.960 --> 00:53:49.320
I struggle with having boundaries at all.

876
00:53:51.000 --> 00:53:51.840
I want you to think about

877
00:53:51.840 --> 00:53:54.840
where do I overgive in relationships or dating?

878
00:53:57.160 --> 00:54:00.400
You can answer, where do I feel resentment in my life?

879
00:54:01.880 --> 00:54:06.680
Or what behavior do I tolerate that I don't like?

880
00:54:07.720 --> 00:54:11.160
And then after you think about that, pick just one

881
00:54:12.360 --> 00:54:14.600
and then complete the prompt.

882
00:54:14.600 --> 00:54:16.520
The boundary I need,

883
00:54:16.520 --> 00:54:19.640
but I don't currently enforce in this area is,

884
00:54:19.640 --> 00:54:24.160
and then I want you to come up with that boundary

885
00:54:24.160 --> 00:54:29.160
that you need to enforce based on what you answered, okay?

886
00:54:30.880 --> 00:54:33.160
All right, now for my ladies that are like,

887
00:54:33.160 --> 00:54:37.160
I'm Fort Knox, like I ain't letting anybody in.

888
00:54:37.160 --> 00:54:38.560
Who do you think he is?

889
00:54:39.360 --> 00:54:43.560
Like, cause you've been hurt.

890
00:54:45.560 --> 00:54:47.120
And for you ladies that you're like,

891
00:54:47.120 --> 00:54:48.960
I'm a little bit of both, I get it.

892
00:54:48.960 --> 00:54:50.720
I'm very similar.

893
00:54:51.600 --> 00:54:53.080
I was a little bit of both.

894
00:54:55.200 --> 00:54:57.560
In the very beginning,

895
00:54:57.560 --> 00:55:00.440
I probably let a lot of people in.

896
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:04.520
in and then I'm like oh man I let people in that I shouldn't have let in and

897
00:55:04.520 --> 00:55:09.960
then once I've let somebody in then my walls want to kind of come up once I'm

898
00:55:09.960 --> 00:55:15.640
like oh I've let myself be vulnerable and now I'm really scared because now

899
00:55:15.640 --> 00:55:20.320
I'm afraid that I've let someone in now they're gonna hurt me so then I put up

900
00:55:20.320 --> 00:55:27.800
all the boundaries all right so just I get you okay but I want you to just pick

901
00:55:27.800 --> 00:55:32.600
which one you think you actively do the most or at least in those beginning

902
00:55:32.600 --> 00:55:36.720
stages of how you think you might show up if you're first starting to date even

903
00:55:36.720 --> 00:55:39.360
if you're not dating right now how you think you're gonna show it when you

904
00:55:39.360 --> 00:55:47.520
start today does that make sense um all right so I just put in the chat for

905
00:55:47.520 --> 00:55:52.120
those of you that struggle having more than you need so you're gonna choose one

906
00:55:52.120 --> 00:55:54.760
of these questions I think there's four questions that you get to choose from

907
00:55:54.760 --> 00:55:59.320
you only have to answer one where do I keep people at a distance even when I

908
00:55:59.320 --> 00:56:08.400
desire connection what do I avoid sharing that might actually deepen trust

909
00:56:08.400 --> 00:56:16.120
where do I use independence or being fine to avoid needing others that's when

910
00:56:16.120 --> 00:56:24.520
I totally related to what boundary might I be using to protect myself from

911
00:56:24.520 --> 00:56:32.200
vulnerability rather than harm and then you're gonna complete this prompt a

912
00:56:32.200 --> 00:56:39.760
boundary I may be over enforcing in this area is this and a healthier boundary

913
00:56:39.760 --> 00:56:48.000
might look like and then name what that looks like okay the goal of this is for

914
00:56:48.000 --> 00:56:51.080
you ladies is

915
00:56:57.600 --> 00:57:04.640
I want you to start leaning into being able to recognize and I also want you

916
00:57:04.640 --> 00:57:10.520
ladies to be keeping in mind like what we're not saying is you need more

917
00:57:10.520 --> 00:57:15.080
boundaries or you don't have enough I don't want you all thinking I need to

918
00:57:15.080 --> 00:57:21.720
have shame or guilt about this what I what I am telling you ladies though is

919
00:57:21.720 --> 00:57:30.920
let your boundaries serve truth love and connection not fear or exhaustion

920
00:57:31.840 --> 00:57:36.000
I want you to be able to name

921
00:57:36.800 --> 00:57:41.520
the extremes of boundaries like if you have the I want you to be able to name

922
00:57:41.640 --> 00:57:47.920
I'm giving up I'm sharing too much I don't have enough boundaries or I have

923
00:57:47.920 --> 00:57:54.160
too much I want you to be able to see the extremes and be able to balance them

924
00:57:54.160 --> 00:57:59.280
there's nothing wrong with boundaries here it's about being able to recognize

925
00:57:59.280 --> 00:58:05.000
when we've got the walls up and when we don't have enough we don't have a we

926
00:58:05.000 --> 00:58:11.720
don't have a fence up at all we want the fence with the gate that has the

927
00:58:11.720 --> 00:58:17.480
latch on it and we want the latch like we want to be able to open that gate for

928
00:58:17.480 --> 00:58:23.680
the right people and then we can shut it to keep the not right people out the

929
00:58:23.680 --> 00:58:29.160
unhealthy unsafe people out does that make sense

930
00:58:29.800 --> 00:58:36.520
all right is there anybody on here that is not gonna be able to unmute and share

931
00:58:36.520 --> 00:58:40.680
with their group because I'm gonna put you in breakouts and I want to make sure

932
00:58:40.680 --> 00:58:44.680
I have enough people in each group and I want you to spend 90 seconds you should

933
00:58:44.680 --> 00:58:54.880
have had enough time to think about your response I'm gonna need at least one

934
00:58:54.880 --> 00:58:59.880
person in each group I really want someone to keep time make sure that

935
00:58:59.880 --> 00:59:07.440
we're holding a boundary we're not going over okay so I want to be able to come

936
00:59:07.440 --> 00:59:12.120
back I want to be able to share some examples I want to hear your examples of

937
00:59:12.120 --> 00:59:16.840
what y'all shared I've got a huge list so that you all can kind of hear some

938
00:59:16.840 --> 00:59:23.160
and then we can open up and we can get some feedback questions I hope this is

939
00:59:23.160 --> 00:59:27.640
really really helpful and useful and these are things that we can be doing

940
00:59:27.640 --> 00:59:34.680
like each week like we can be sharing in the app what we're noticing with our

941
00:59:34.680 --> 00:59:37.880
boundaries and then I've got an activation for you ladies for the week

942
00:59:37.880 --> 00:59:45.160
to be working on and we'll post that in the app as well okay all right I'm gonna

943
00:59:45.160 --> 00:59:51.200
throw three people in a group because I do see that some people are not able to

944
00:59:51.240 --> 00:59:55.920
jump in so if you can't unmute I don't want you to feel like you have to like

945
00:59:55.920 --> 01:00:01.480
cut and run because I do want you to be able to hear some of these examples

946
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:03.720
But I am going to break us out here.

947
01:00:03.720 --> 01:00:04.920
How many people do I have on?

948
01:00:04.920 --> 01:00:08.040
There is 17 plus myself at 16.

949
01:00:08.040 --> 01:00:11.880
Maybe I can do four rooms.

950
01:00:14.640 --> 01:00:17.080
Let's do five rooms because that gets

951
01:00:17.080 --> 01:00:20.360
three to four people in a room. Sound good?

952
01:00:20.840 --> 01:00:24.000
I'm going to give you all about,

953
01:00:24.000 --> 01:00:27.960
let's say about 90 seconds each to share.

954
01:00:27.960 --> 01:00:31.440
You choose member just one question and then answering the prompt.

955
01:00:31.440 --> 01:00:35.520
Then I'll bring you all back in here for anybody that wants to share,

956
01:00:35.520 --> 01:00:37.400
do questions, share,

957
01:00:37.400 --> 01:00:45.040
give examples of how these boundaries might look in dating and call it a day.

958
01:00:47.040 --> 01:00:50.880
Go ahead and join your groups.

959
01:00:58.320 --> 01:01:03.160
Just making sure that everybody at least has somebody.

960
01:01:07.280 --> 01:01:16.600
Unmuted. They're all muted.

961
01:01:17.000 --> 01:01:21.960
Awesome. I'm going to go off-camera,

962
01:01:21.960 --> 01:01:25.360
but I am still here if anybody needs me.

963
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:02.060
you

964
01:05:30.000 --> 01:05:32.060
you

965
01:06:00.000 --> 01:06:02.060
you

966
01:06:30.000 --> 01:06:32.060
you

967
01:07:00.000 --> 01:07:02.060
you

968
01:07:30.000 --> 01:07:32.060
you

969
01:08:01.000 --> 01:08:03.060
you

970
01:08:03.060 --> 01:08:05.060
Welcome, welcome back ladies

971
01:08:09.000 --> 01:08:14.640
Hopefully that gave most of you enough time. I know there was one room with four so I tried to stretch

972
01:08:15.560 --> 01:08:23.640
The time just a little bit just to give that group a little extra time. I think they still might be sharing

973
01:08:25.399 --> 01:08:27.520
So hopefully I think

974
01:08:27.520 --> 01:08:35.840
Do I have everybody have everybody back. Oh, I think I've got one room still not quite back yet. So

975
01:08:38.319 --> 01:08:43.520
I'm just going through the chat right now making sure I'm getting all the questions as well while we wait for them

976
01:08:43.520 --> 01:08:46.319
Okay, I think everyone is returned

977
01:08:47.520 --> 01:08:49.520
Good good good

978
01:08:49.520 --> 01:08:51.040
awesome

979
01:08:51.040 --> 01:08:57.359
Okay, perfect. So, okay. I pulled a few questions from the chat. I'm going to go ahead and

980
01:08:57.520 --> 01:09:03.000
Go ahead and share those as well. So I definitely want to get to those and I haven't gotten through all of them

981
01:09:03.000 --> 01:09:05.000
So I still have to keep scrolling

982
01:09:05.520 --> 01:09:07.040
before

983
01:09:07.040 --> 01:09:11.640
Interview ladies unmute and share. I'm just gonna go over a couple

984
01:09:12.640 --> 01:09:14.640
That I think will be relatable

985
01:09:16.640 --> 01:09:24.640
That I've seen over this like some that I've actually struggled with myself and then some that I've seen

986
01:09:24.640 --> 01:09:31.720
As a coach and then some I've seen even my sisters when I was single struggle with as well, so

987
01:09:32.479 --> 01:09:35.840
I'll start with some of the ones that are for those that maybe

988
01:09:36.479 --> 01:09:39.540
Don't have you know that over like

989
01:09:40.240 --> 01:09:43.200
Don't have the fence at all. Okay, so

990
01:09:43.720 --> 01:09:48.840
I over give it so I'm gonna give you some that maybe don't really have to do with

991
01:09:49.840 --> 01:09:54.600
Dating and relationship first, okay, because I know I have some women in here that aren't

992
01:09:55.360 --> 01:09:59.960
Quite ready to get out there and date. So I over give in my

993
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:06.660
relations by relationships by not honoring my time constraints a boundary

994
01:10:06.660 --> 01:10:12.520
I I need but I don't currently enforce in this area is telling someone when I

995
01:10:12.520 --> 01:10:17.920
do not have the time and stopping appropriately okay so that might be an

996
01:10:17.920 --> 01:10:23.760
example of like I'm not really honoring my time because I just want to make sure

997
01:10:23.760 --> 01:10:30.520
I'm giving so much information to people I feel resentment in my life in the area

998
01:10:30.520 --> 01:10:35.840
of my eating choices or how I allow myself just how I love how I allow

999
01:10:35.840 --> 01:10:41.120
people to speak to me or how I even speak to myself so a boundary that I

1000
01:10:41.120 --> 01:10:46.360
need but I don't currently enforce is telling myself the truth about who

1001
01:10:46.360 --> 01:10:52.640
Christ says I am or not running for food for emotional support or my safe place

1002
01:10:52.640 --> 01:11:01.720
okay so that's just a couple examples there on that one see where's another

1003
01:11:01.720 --> 01:11:11.480
one that maybe is the opposite but maybe it doesn't have to do with dating that's

1004
01:11:11.480 --> 01:11:14.640
got to do with dating

1005
01:11:16.120 --> 01:11:19.600
that's got to do with dating

1006
01:11:20.600 --> 01:11:26.640
you have to do with dating all right well I'm just gonna keep going here um I

1007
01:11:26.640 --> 01:11:32.440
use independence as a way to avoid meeting people by telling myself that I

1008
01:11:32.440 --> 01:11:36.840
don't want help even when I feel overwhelmed I tend to handle everything

1009
01:11:36.840 --> 01:11:43.280
on my own and withdraw even when I'm stressed a boundary I may be over

1010
01:11:43.280 --> 01:11:48.080
enforcing in this area is refusing support so that I don't feel vulnerable

1011
01:11:48.080 --> 01:11:54.160
or like a burden a healthy boundary might look like asking for help in one

1012
01:11:54.160 --> 01:12:00.160
small way and allowing someone to show up for me without immediately pulling

1013
01:12:00.160 --> 01:12:06.640
back so this is actually one that I did struggle with in the beginning even

1014
01:12:06.640 --> 01:12:13.640
though I didn't have a lot of boundaries but as a single mom I did struggle with

1015
01:12:13.640 --> 01:12:19.920
that because that was really hard I really didn't want to feel like I was

1016
01:12:19.920 --> 01:12:28.080
bothering people I felt like people felt bad for me and looked down on me and so

1017
01:12:28.080 --> 01:12:34.840
I felt like I got myself in this mess I have to be the one taking care of you

1018
01:12:34.840 --> 01:12:40.480
know what I put myself into so I'm not allowed to ask for help because you know

1019
01:12:40.480 --> 01:12:46.120
I need to be strong and independent enough to do it on my own and then when

1020
01:12:46.120 --> 01:12:53.680
I was dating I was afraid men would think that I'm only dating them because

1021
01:12:53.680 --> 01:13:01.800
I want someone to provide for me to take care of my kid like I just I'm only

1022
01:13:01.800 --> 01:13:06.440
interested in them because I want someone to take care of my son like that

1023
01:13:06.440 --> 01:13:12.800
was that was a big insecurity I had for myself and so I had to learn to just

1024
01:13:12.800 --> 01:13:20.360
like not buy into that lie and know that I was a very independent person and I

1025
01:13:20.360 --> 01:13:28.320
was fully capable of taking care of my son but I'm also a very biblical divine

1026
01:13:28.320 --> 01:13:35.360
feminine and I see nothing wrong with wanting to be in that role of the divine

1027
01:13:35.360 --> 01:13:39.360
feminine and allowing a man and a husband to operate in his divine

1028
01:13:39.360 --> 01:13:45.640
masculine and provide and protect and and to do those things and so I you know

1029
01:13:45.640 --> 01:13:51.960
I I remember having a conversation with Jackie early on and was like I really

1030
01:13:51.960 --> 01:13:57.520
love the idea of wanting to be a stay-at-home mom and you know run a

1031
01:13:57.520 --> 01:14:01.640
house and do those things and potentially homeschool my children and I

1032
01:14:01.640 --> 01:14:07.520
just thought that was in our society in our day and age was just like a bad word

1033
01:14:07.520 --> 01:14:13.520
like that was not okay and she helped like snap me out of it she's like don't

1034
01:14:13.520 --> 01:14:19.960
ever let anybody you know make you feel bad for wanting something that's just a

1035
01:14:19.960 --> 01:14:25.520
desire of your heart that's actually how God's created you so it's okay and that

1036
01:14:25.520 --> 01:14:30.360
doesn't mean that if you want to be a working mother or something like that

1037
01:14:30.360 --> 01:14:36.960
that that's not okay and so I had to work on that boundary so that was one

1038
01:14:36.960 --> 01:14:44.200
where I probably had more of the wall up in the very very beginning I'm trying to

1039
01:14:44.200 --> 01:14:47.720
think of another one that I often see I know I put some good ones on here but I

1040
01:14:47.720 --> 01:14:50.720
don't want to go through them all because I want to open the floor for you

1041
01:14:50.720 --> 01:14:59.600
all this is a good one I sometimes use high standards as a way to keep people

1042
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:10.920
too close. If someone doesn't meet every expectation, I quickly disengage. A boundary I may be over-enforcing

1043
01:15:10.920 --> 01:15:16.400
is leaving before there's space for growth or conversation. A healthier boundary might

1044
01:15:16.400 --> 01:15:25.160
look like allowing curiosity and communication before deciding to pull away. I see this often

1045
01:15:25.160 --> 01:15:32.880
in phase two. This is why we always say it's a yes until it's a no. If a man does not check

1046
01:15:32.880 --> 01:15:41.880
a box off in that first date, he doesn't say something the right way, he didn't respond

1047
01:15:41.880 --> 01:15:49.120
to a message in the right time, he doesn't look a certain way, he didn't offer up a plan

1048
01:15:49.120 --> 01:15:57.600
like maybe he didn't plan the date the way that you wanted him to. We're like, nope, don't want

1049
01:15:57.600 --> 01:16:05.680
that. I have a boundary. I need him to plan dates. I just want a man to plan dates. Ladies, we can

1050
01:16:05.680 --> 01:16:15.400
like that and we can value that in someone, but literally us having this hard, we can't even allow

1051
01:16:15.400 --> 01:16:22.440
someone in and be interested in getting to know them. Because ladies, just going and getting to

1052
01:16:22.440 --> 01:16:29.240
know them on a couple of dates doesn't mean you have to marry them. It just means you're opening

1053
01:16:29.240 --> 01:16:37.680
the door and being willing to get to know someone and seeing, okay, what can I learn about them or

1054
01:16:37.840 --> 01:16:50.520
myself that could actually be useful? Y'all, I love someone that can plan a date. I do. But I also

1055
01:16:50.520 --> 01:16:59.000
know, and I've learned this now even in marriage, y'all, I'm a planner. So as much as I love if a guy

1056
01:16:59.000 --> 01:17:05.600
just comes and just does the planning for me, there's times that I just I want to be able to plan

1057
01:17:05.600 --> 01:17:11.560
it. Because I know what I want to do. And then like, sometimes my husband want to go do something.

1058
01:17:11.560 --> 01:17:19.080
I'm like, I don't want to do that. No, like, that doesn't sound like fun. Like, you want to go there

1059
01:17:19.080 --> 01:17:26.600
for vacation? And you want to do that? No, like, let's do this instead. Like, I want you ladies to

1060
01:17:26.600 --> 01:17:36.160
keep in mind like certain things. So that's just one example. Okay. So that one I shared that one

1061
01:17:36.160 --> 01:17:45.400
because I often see some of us ladies that have the like walls up. We're so quick to be like, Nope,

1062
01:17:45.480 --> 01:17:50.080
Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope, he doesn't meet this. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. I get it. We can

1063
01:17:50.080 --> 01:17:58.560
want what we want. And we can desire certain things. But again, if he's, you know, enjoyable to be around,

1064
01:17:58.640 --> 01:18:07.840
and you know, he's a good conversation, you can learn a thing or two from him. Hey, why not go on a

1065
01:18:07.840 --> 01:18:13.720
second date and just get to know him a little better. You might learn something new. And you might learn

1066
01:18:13.720 --> 01:18:20.840
something that you like or you dislike. Or you might learn you I know, Stephanie, I know you don't like this. I

1067
01:18:20.840 --> 01:18:28.280
know, girl, you might learn something that you you thought you didn't like, you could have a new

1068
01:18:28.280 --> 01:18:36.040
appreciation for doesn't mean that you're going to have to decide that you have to continue dating him. But

1069
01:18:36.040 --> 01:18:45.920
just leading the opportunity open could potentially say, Okay, maybe it wasn't that bad. I can look at it from a

1070
01:18:45.920 --> 01:18:51.880
different perspective. Because ladies, I'm going to share this and I'm going to I'm going to be real, real and

1071
01:18:51.880 --> 01:19:01.960
candid with you. Marriage is not easy. And if y'all think that your husbands are going to do everything you want

1072
01:19:01.960 --> 01:19:15.440
them to do when you want them to do it. You're in for a rude awakening. This is me ripping a bandaid off. Okay. It's,

1073
01:19:15.520 --> 01:19:28.960
it's practice to be able to extend grace. It's grace and humility. I'm not saying ladies, I love my husband dearly.

1074
01:19:28.960 --> 01:19:41.840
Like he is phenomenal. There are some things that I'm like, Oh, that's not fun. I don't like that about you. But it's okay.

1075
01:19:43.000 --> 01:19:58.760
It's who he is. Like, it's not a deal breaker for me. I love him regardless, unconditionally. And so I can

1076
01:19:58.760 --> 01:20:00.160
look past some of those

1077
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:04.600
things and just like, is that the true nature of his heart?

1078
01:20:05.320 --> 01:20:15.320
Like, you know, do, do I love that his idea of going on a date would be

1079
01:20:15.320 --> 01:20:16.800
to go to the movies all the time?

1080
01:20:17.880 --> 01:20:21.120
No, y'all I like going to the movies is not my thing.

1081
01:20:22.000 --> 01:20:23.520
I really don't like going to the movies.

1082
01:20:24.520 --> 01:20:26.640
I like going and doing activities.

1083
01:20:27.440 --> 01:20:29.200
I like going and doing new things.

1084
01:20:29.760 --> 01:20:35.120
My husband would be satisfied going to a restaurant, the same restaurant every

1085
01:20:35.120 --> 01:20:37.240
week, or going to a movie theater.

1086
01:20:38.240 --> 01:20:42.760
I'm like, Nope, I need some, like something new, something fresh.

1087
01:20:42.800 --> 01:20:44.080
I want something different.

1088
01:20:44.720 --> 01:20:46.240
Like, I want to be entertained.

1089
01:20:46.280 --> 01:20:46.960
Let's go.

1090
01:20:48.160 --> 01:20:50.680
But does that mean we have to do that every time?

1091
01:20:51.520 --> 01:20:55.440
No, like it's a balance.

1092
01:20:55.960 --> 01:21:01.200
And so now, like, again, I just, I'm, I'm sharing that just to

1093
01:21:01.200 --> 01:21:04.320
kind of help you ladies understand.

1094
01:21:04.920 --> 01:21:13.640
We don't want to have all these walls up where we can't allow for any self

1095
01:21:13.640 --> 01:21:18.720
reflection and like humbling and being able to be like, okay, I can give some

1096
01:21:18.720 --> 01:21:22.920
grace here and just allow someone to be who they are.

1097
01:21:23.480 --> 01:21:27.480
I don't have to like certain things, but is this a deal breaker?

1098
01:21:27.840 --> 01:21:29.600
Is this a non negotiable?

1099
01:21:30.480 --> 01:21:31.160
Okay.

1100
01:21:31.440 --> 01:21:35.560
Now how they treat you, they're disrespectful.

1101
01:21:36.440 --> 01:21:40.240
If they're crossing like serious boundaries, like obviously ladies, those

1102
01:21:40.240 --> 01:21:43.120
are boundaries, like absolutely not, not giving you a second date.

1103
01:21:45.120 --> 01:21:50.400
My whole thing is ladies, if a guy is going to literally start asking you

1104
01:21:50.400 --> 01:21:54.520
about sex on a first date and you put that boundary, I'm like, yeah, no, I'm

1105
01:21:54.520 --> 01:21:57.360
sorry, I'm, I'm not looking for that.

1106
01:21:57.680 --> 01:22:01.920
I'm waiting for marriage and he wants to still keep probing or he wants to

1107
01:22:01.920 --> 01:22:04.640
get like saucy with you about it.

1108
01:22:05.360 --> 01:22:10.560
I in the date, look, it's, it's really like, why don't we just go

1109
01:22:10.560 --> 01:22:11.760
ahead and go our separate ways?

1110
01:22:13.160 --> 01:22:14.480
Like, it's okay.

1111
01:22:16.040 --> 01:22:19.000
Clearly we're not on the same page and that's okay.

1112
01:22:19.680 --> 01:22:21.400
That's how you want to live your life and that's it.

1113
01:22:21.400 --> 01:22:22.880
You don't even have to give explanations.

1114
01:22:23.680 --> 01:22:24.440
Does that make sense?

1115
01:22:25.760 --> 01:22:26.240
Okay.

1116
01:22:27.240 --> 01:22:27.680
All right.

1117
01:22:27.720 --> 01:22:31.640
I'm going to open the floor to you ladies and let you share what

1118
01:22:31.640 --> 01:22:37.720
were some of your, um, your boundaries.

1119
01:22:39.120 --> 01:22:39.840
Let's hear it.

1120
01:22:40.560 --> 01:22:42.000
And then I want to hear questions too.

1121
01:22:43.760 --> 01:22:46.480
I got a little extra time today, so I want to hear it.

1122
01:22:50.000 --> 01:22:51.200
Why is everybody so quiet?

1123
01:22:54.400 --> 01:22:55.920
I'll be happy to share if you want.

1124
01:22:56.400 --> 01:22:56.920
Yes.

1125
01:22:57.160 --> 01:22:57.920
I barely made it.

1126
01:22:57.960 --> 01:22:59.920
I, I was on a walk and completely forgot.

1127
01:23:00.520 --> 01:23:06.320
Um, so I do tend to overgive in relationships and I'm actually

1128
01:23:06.360 --> 01:23:12.320
experiencing right now, someone in my life that, um, we're both leaders

1129
01:23:12.320 --> 01:23:16.120
in, in something and, um, it's not, you know, dating, it's just a

1130
01:23:16.280 --> 01:23:21.160
friendship relationship, but, um, um, we're both leaders, like new

1131
01:23:21.160 --> 01:23:24.040
leaders in this new kind of house church thing that we're doing,

1132
01:23:24.040 --> 01:23:26.520
which you'll meet some of those Friday.

1133
01:23:26.520 --> 01:23:34.720
But, um, the, um, like he feels that I didn't minister in a way that

1134
01:23:34.720 --> 01:23:38.840
honored the Lord and, and I, you know, sought the Lord on it and do

1135
01:23:38.840 --> 01:23:44.720
not feel like I, um, did anything wrong, but like he seems like he's

1136
01:23:45.080 --> 01:23:48.480
but like, he seems like I keep saying, I disagree, I disagree.

1137
01:23:48.480 --> 01:23:50.320
And he keeps like pushing the point.

1138
01:23:50.400 --> 01:23:54.960
And it's, it's like, he it's like, he's not okay.

1139
01:23:55.000 --> 01:24:00.440
Unless I agree with him and like, bow down to what his thinking is on this,

1140
01:24:00.880 --> 01:24:05.400
you know, and, um, I can even identify like what the spirit is within him.

1141
01:24:05.400 --> 01:24:06.960
Cause he, cause his dad's a Christian counselor.

1142
01:24:06.960 --> 01:24:10.560
And he's like, my dad says, my dad says, and I'm like, that is not God.

1143
01:24:11.640 --> 01:24:12.720
Your dad is not God.

1144
01:24:12.720 --> 01:24:13.400
I'm sorry.

1145
01:24:13.400 --> 01:24:14.720
Like, that's a familiar spirit.

1146
01:24:14.720 --> 01:24:16.480
We need to cast that out in the name of Jesus.

1147
01:24:16.800 --> 01:24:23.400
Um, but, um, I, I recognize that like, what I'm feeling inside is like, if I

1148
01:24:23.400 --> 01:24:27.200
don't bow down to what he says and just give in and he's not going to accept me

1149
01:24:27.200 --> 01:24:30.560
and I'm going to be rejected in this whole group, you know, and that's the lie.

1150
01:24:30.600 --> 01:24:31.000
Right.

1151
01:24:31.040 --> 01:24:36.960
Like, and so I've just been rehearsing like this, um, my boundary is like

1152
01:24:36.960 --> 01:24:40.000
spitting out the bones from the meat that others are, are feeding me, you

1153
01:24:40.000 --> 01:24:41.600
know, or trying to feed me, you know?

1154
01:24:41.600 --> 01:24:45.760
Like, and, and I, and if it comes up tonight in a meeting that we're both

1155
01:24:45.760 --> 01:24:49.320
going to be in with the leaders, then I literally think the only thing, cause

1156
01:24:49.320 --> 01:24:52.640
the Lord gave me the verse, stand firm, be courageous and do everything in

1157
01:24:52.640 --> 01:24:54.800
love from first Corinthians.

1158
01:24:54.800 --> 01:24:57.080
And so I'm like, all right, Lord, I'm going to stand firm.

1159
01:24:57.480 --> 01:25:00.000
And I just feel like the only thing I'm going to say in response is.

1160
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:04.840
It's like, are we going to be okay if I don't believe that that's a word from the Lord for

1161
01:25:04.840 --> 01:25:05.840
me?

1162
01:25:05.840 --> 01:25:06.840
Yeah.

1163
01:25:06.840 --> 01:25:11.440
You know, and, and, and leave it at that and just keep saying it no matter how many times

1164
01:25:11.440 --> 01:25:13.280
he tries to tell me that what I'm doing.

1165
01:25:13.280 --> 01:25:14.280
I love that.

1166
01:25:14.280 --> 01:25:16.440
I like that you like, that's amazing.

1167
01:25:16.440 --> 01:25:22.800
So you're recognizing, so she's seeing like, I'm, I'm an over giver and she's recognizing

1168
01:25:22.800 --> 01:25:23.960
how she's doing it.

1169
01:25:23.960 --> 01:25:29.880
She's recognizing the feeling there and now she's putting a healthier boundary in place.

1170
01:25:29.880 --> 01:25:33.280
So she, and now she's going to go put it into practice.

1171
01:25:33.280 --> 01:25:34.640
So I love that.

1172
01:25:34.640 --> 01:25:43.600
I even think so again, just say, Hey, like you've got you look, I can respect that you

1173
01:25:43.600 --> 01:25:45.200
feel that way.

1174
01:25:45.200 --> 01:25:47.960
I don't believe like I've spent some time.

1175
01:25:47.960 --> 01:25:52.160
Can you respect the fact that I've spent some time in prayer and I don't believe that this

1176
01:25:52.160 --> 01:25:56.600
is a word for me to give.

1177
01:25:56.600 --> 01:26:01.280
Can we just land and agree to disagree?

1178
01:26:01.280 --> 01:26:10.240
And if he's not willing to do that, then you can stand firm.

1179
01:26:10.240 --> 01:26:19.440
I would also have you been like, are you able to seek counsel within your other leadership?

1180
01:26:19.440 --> 01:26:20.760
Oh, I already have.

1181
01:26:20.760 --> 01:26:21.760
Yeah.

1182
01:26:21.760 --> 01:26:24.160
Because there was another leader that we were trying to help.

1183
01:26:24.160 --> 01:26:27.960
And so I actually went directly to her and was like, Hey, this has come up.

1184
01:26:27.960 --> 01:26:32.520
I need to understand like where your heart is and if you're hurting and if you feel any

1185
01:26:32.520 --> 01:26:34.040
guilt or shame with what I said.

1186
01:26:34.040 --> 01:26:36.960
And she was like, no, I don't actually like that resonated.

1187
01:26:36.960 --> 01:26:38.720
I felt the father's heart on it.

1188
01:26:38.720 --> 01:26:41.160
And actually what he said, actually, I felt guilt and shame.

1189
01:26:41.160 --> 01:26:43.760
And I was like, Whoa, okay.

1190
01:26:43.760 --> 01:26:50.160
I would even say, even going to other leaders that maybe didn't involve that person.

1191
01:26:50.160 --> 01:26:53.760
Because again, when you have conflict and I can't, I did that as well.

1192
01:26:54.360 --> 01:26:59.360
When you have conflict with somebody and you can't sort it out with the person, you bring

1193
01:26:59.360 --> 01:27:05.120
other people and say, Hey, can other people come in and help us sort out this conflict?

1194
01:27:05.120 --> 01:27:09.260
You bring the conflict that you're having with the person, if you can't sort it out

1195
01:27:09.260 --> 01:27:11.680
and you bring it in front of other people.

1196
01:27:11.680 --> 01:27:17.960
And so I think if he can't just say, Hey, I respect you for it.

1197
01:27:17.960 --> 01:27:21.040
And you're saying, Hey, I respect the fact that you have your opinion and you're sharing

1198
01:27:21.960 --> 01:27:23.680
that with me. And that's great.

1199
01:27:23.680 --> 01:27:26.720
I'm just not going to receive that because it's not a word for me.

1200
01:27:26.720 --> 01:27:28.040
Yeah.

1201
01:27:28.040 --> 01:27:32.920
And that's OK. And I love that you're recognizing like, I don't need to feel like I have to

1202
01:27:32.920 --> 01:27:39.320
bow down to someone because if I don't, I'm going to be rejected.

1203
01:27:39.320 --> 01:27:41.600
But here's the thing.

1204
01:27:41.600 --> 01:27:47.280
Let's say you don't bow down.

1205
01:27:47.280 --> 01:27:50.520
And people reject you.

1206
01:27:50.520 --> 01:27:52.240
Then what?

1207
01:27:52.240 --> 01:27:53.080
What's that saying?

1208
01:27:56.360 --> 01:27:58.080
Nothing about me.

1209
01:27:58.080 --> 01:27:59.160
Nothing about you.

1210
01:27:59.160 --> 01:28:01.280
Exactly.

1211
01:28:01.280 --> 01:28:02.680
Nothing about you.

1212
01:28:02.680 --> 01:28:03.520
Nothing.

1213
01:28:03.520 --> 01:28:05.520
That's a God protection.

1214
01:28:05.520 --> 01:28:08.840
Yeah, that's exactly what I said.

1215
01:28:08.840 --> 01:28:10.040
That was a tool.

1216
01:28:10.040 --> 01:28:17.640
That was something God used to sift people out that didn't need to be in your life.

1217
01:28:17.640 --> 01:28:18.480
Yeah.

1218
01:28:18.480 --> 01:28:22.000
And ladies, I really think there's something on that one right there.

1219
01:28:22.000 --> 01:28:28.880
I really like this doesn't just go in like I know we talk a lot about dating.

1220
01:28:28.880 --> 01:28:35.480
But I think even this situation, too, like, ladies, if you look at dating relationships and

1221
01:28:35.480 --> 01:28:41.680
these even relationships within your community, when you think about rejection and not

1222
01:28:41.680 --> 01:28:48.280
being liked or someone not responding or, oh, they ghosted me or this or that or,

1223
01:28:48.280 --> 01:28:52.360
you know, they they just went, you know, they did.

1224
01:28:52.360 --> 01:28:54.240
They didn't like me.

1225
01:28:54.240 --> 01:29:00.920
Well, yeah, it's easy to feel that rejection and that doesn't feel good.

1226
01:29:00.920 --> 01:29:03.440
That comes from somewhere.

1227
01:29:03.440 --> 01:29:08.280
And if that does, then let's let's heal the roots of that.

1228
01:29:08.280 --> 01:29:13.240
But let's replace those lies with the truth.

1229
01:29:13.240 --> 01:29:14.840
I mean.

1230
01:29:14.840 --> 01:29:20.760
Do you truly want people in your life that aren't going to see the fruit that's in you

1231
01:29:20.760 --> 01:29:24.400
and the value and the treasure that you are?

1232
01:29:24.400 --> 01:29:27.440
Who God says you are, right?

1233
01:29:27.440 --> 01:29:30.120
Yeah, that doesn't want you around like that.

1234
01:29:30.120 --> 01:29:34.600
He's going to fill you with like blessing and people that are going to fill you with

1235
01:29:34.600 --> 01:29:39.120
his word and blessing and love on you and cherish you.

1236
01:29:39.240 --> 01:29:43.720
Why is he going to want you around people that aren't going to do that?

1237
01:29:43.720 --> 01:29:45.640
Yeah. Protect you from people.

1238
01:29:45.640 --> 01:29:50.440
So I know oftentimes when we're dating or we're in like community and then people just

1239
01:29:50.440 --> 01:29:54.080
we don't feel like people like us or accept us or anything like that.

1240
01:29:54.080 --> 01:29:57.920
Really, when that happens, it's actually a blessing.

1241
01:29:59.080 --> 01:30:00.000
Like get.

1242
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:04.320
those people out, like, because they're not going to appreciate and value you.

1243
01:30:04.800 --> 01:30:07.880
Yeah. And I honestly don't think that's what's going to happen with this group,

1244
01:30:07.880 --> 01:30:11.440
either. The leaders are going to step up and be like, look, we're going to just

1245
01:30:11.440 --> 01:30:14.280
agree to disagree. And if that's not okay with you, you can step out of

1246
01:30:14.280 --> 01:30:17.320
leadership here. But we're not going to kick Sam out because she's not doing

1247
01:30:17.320 --> 01:30:18.600
what you want, you know?

1248
01:30:18.600 --> 01:30:23.240
And if anything, just think about how much growth your leadership in that

1249
01:30:23.240 --> 01:30:30.120
community can grow. Because that in of itself, ladies, like that, oh, like the

1250
01:30:30.120 --> 01:30:34.440
enemy wants to come after leadership. He's going to want to divide leadership,

1251
01:30:34.440 --> 01:30:37.960
there's going to want to be turmoil and chaos within leadership. Because if

1252
01:30:37.960 --> 01:30:44.560
leadership gets divided, then guess what, everything crumbles. So if you all can

1253
01:30:44.560 --> 01:30:50.920
come together and disagree yet still stay unified in the in the foundation of

1254
01:30:50.920 --> 01:30:58.440
what the purpose is of y'all being together. Like the enemy has no has no

1255
01:30:58.440 --> 01:31:06.520
weapon. And ladies, that's important to really get a hold of in marriage.

1256
01:31:07.520 --> 01:31:16.160
Because the enemy will want to come after your marriage. I promise you. The

1257
01:31:16.160 --> 01:31:20.640
enemy wants to divide your marriages.

1258
01:31:20.640 --> 01:31:27.920
All right. I'm in a blended family right now, y'all. It's rough. We got all sorts

1259
01:31:27.920 --> 01:31:32.080
of stuff going on. And let me tell you, the kids got the trauma and the kids

1260
01:31:32.080 --> 01:31:36.680
want to come in and guess what they want to do? Kids in general. I mean, it could

1261
01:31:36.680 --> 01:31:40.440
be my husband and I could literally have birthed all three of these babies. Like I

1262
01:31:40.440 --> 01:31:42.640
could have birthed them all myself. And they could have been all his

1263
01:31:42.640 --> 01:31:48.840
biologically. And those babies like would want to divide mom and dad. They

1264
01:31:48.840 --> 01:31:51.840
would try to divide and conquer because that's just what kids do with mom and

1265
01:31:51.840 --> 01:31:57.640
dad. Because you get mom and dad divided then we get we get to rule the house. But

1266
01:31:57.640 --> 01:32:05.840
that's not God's design. Kids aren't supposed to rule the house. They're not.

1267
01:32:05.840 --> 01:32:12.040
Boundaries are good for kids. I'm learning that. I was good. I'm good. I have

1268
01:32:12.040 --> 01:32:15.960
a lot of boundaries. I had a lot of boundaries with my youngest. My husband

1269
01:32:15.960 --> 01:32:18.760
did not have very many boundaries with his two kids. And so when we come

1270
01:32:18.760 --> 01:32:24.120
together, it's like, whoa, what's happening? We have to teach all three

1271
01:32:24.120 --> 01:32:29.520
kids what boundaries look like. It's different for all three of them now. So

1272
01:32:29.520 --> 01:32:34.520
this boundary stuff doesn't just apply in dating relationships. It's going to

1273
01:32:34.520 --> 01:32:40.800
apply in your communities. It's going to apply in dating. It will apply in your

1274
01:32:40.800 --> 01:32:47.080
marriages. It will apply in family. Y'all it's going to apply in your in-laws too.

1275
01:32:47.080 --> 01:32:54.040
It will. So being able to recognize these things and really get down to the like

1276
01:32:54.040 --> 01:33:00.440
why am I doing this? Why do I not? What's the purpose of me having no boundaries

1277
01:33:00.440 --> 01:33:05.800
whatsoever? Or what's the purpose of me having all these boundaries? Then you

1278
01:33:05.800 --> 01:33:11.120
could start diffusing the lies and start incorporating a boundary that

1279
01:33:11.120 --> 01:33:14.760
needs to be there or remove a boundary that kind of needs to be a little bit

1280
01:33:14.760 --> 01:33:21.000
lessened. Does that make sense? Does anybody else want to share? I want to

1281
01:33:21.000 --> 01:33:27.520
hear more. Come on. Don't be shy.

1282
01:33:27.520 --> 01:33:38.200
I'm driving. You're good. Keep the phone down here. But I have a hard time when so I'm

1283
01:33:38.200 --> 01:33:42.960
normally like a very like more boundary-less. That's my natural state.

1284
01:33:42.960 --> 01:33:47.440
But I do have a lot of boundaries I've learned that I do put up. But in the

1285
01:33:47.440 --> 01:33:52.800
moment it's really hard for me when the boundary is crossed to say something

1286
01:33:52.800 --> 01:33:58.520
because I don't want to hurt or offend the other person or come across as like

1287
01:33:58.520 --> 01:34:04.840
dramatic or mean or there's a lot of different factors that keep me from like

1288
01:34:04.840 --> 01:34:09.600
and that's something I want to grow in like even in my family my brother-in-law

1289
01:34:09.600 --> 01:34:14.760
says offhand things and I really struggle in the moment to speak up for

1290
01:34:14.760 --> 01:34:29.600
myself. So if you have any advice. Okay so you so you tend to do you tend to

1291
01:34:29.600 --> 01:34:33.480
just kind of keep your opinions to yourself is that what you're saying like

1292
01:34:33.480 --> 01:34:39.560
you just kind of don't say anything at all because if you do you're offending

1293
01:34:39.560 --> 01:34:46.040
people. Yeah and I think I'm like I wasn't treated that way by my parents so

1294
01:34:46.040 --> 01:34:50.720
when someone says something really disrespectful or rude there's a part of

1295
01:34:50.720 --> 01:34:55.640
me that doesn't believe it for a minute that's like oh no they're not like

1296
01:34:55.640 --> 01:34:59.160
they're not saying anything mean.

1297
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:04.540
It's really hard for me to pick up on it and sometimes so then I usually will kind of like

1298
01:35:05.200 --> 01:35:08.380
Tell myself that it's not a big deal or that

1299
01:35:10.100 --> 01:35:12.580
You know, maybe I'm reading too much into it

1300
01:35:13.620 --> 01:35:14.860
but

1301
01:35:14.860 --> 01:35:18.020
So they're saying something and you don't you don't

1302
01:35:21.420 --> 01:35:24.860
You're thinking too much into it where you're like, oh maybe that's

1303
01:35:24.860 --> 01:35:28.720
Too much of a big deal or not a big deal at all. Like are these separate situations?

1304
01:35:29.440 --> 01:35:33.840
Yeah, it's kind of like just to generalize. There's a lot of feelings that come up like when

1305
01:35:34.600 --> 01:35:37.100
When someone is disrespectful

1306
01:35:38.040 --> 01:35:39.640
toward me

1307
01:35:39.640 --> 01:35:41.640
So give me an example

1308
01:35:41.960 --> 01:35:43.960
the most recent one

1309
01:35:46.400 --> 01:35:48.400
Trying to think of this one

1310
01:35:49.440 --> 01:35:51.440
Um

1311
01:35:51.440 --> 01:35:53.360
I don't know if this

1312
01:35:53.400 --> 01:35:59.200
Don't know if this that what's coming to mind is I was on like a video date with a guy and at the very end

1313
01:35:59.200 --> 01:36:00.640
he

1314
01:36:00.640 --> 01:36:02.640
um, I

1315
01:36:02.760 --> 01:36:08.000
Was like, oh if you want to text me I can give you my number and he made like a joke about like

1316
01:36:08.000 --> 01:36:10.000
oh, like I'm getting through the

1317
01:36:10.560 --> 01:36:11.760
dragons

1318
01:36:11.760 --> 01:36:15.840
Like, you know like in whatever that movie is you have to get through Oh Shrek

1319
01:36:15.840 --> 01:36:18.160
You have to like get through all the things to get to Fiona

1320
01:36:18.600 --> 01:36:21.720
He like me he like made a joke that it was like that with me

1321
01:36:21.720 --> 01:36:23.720
He's like, oh I've gotten past one of the

1322
01:36:28.360 --> 01:36:30.360
Simply

1323
01:36:30.600 --> 01:36:36.520
Well, that's not basically like I'm the dragon like at the end like he's

1324
01:36:38.680 --> 01:36:43.600
It wasn't very nice like it was just say or like how he was acting was like that

1325
01:36:43.720 --> 01:36:46.800
This is a struggle like the boundaries I've put up are like not

1326
01:36:47.560 --> 01:36:50.680
like he's having to fight off these battles and it's

1327
01:36:51.720 --> 01:36:57.360
Kind of like he's saying Wow, like you're kind of really hard to tap into and so like wow

1328
01:36:57.360 --> 01:37:04.040
I I you're actually gonna give me your your number to text you is that kind of like it was like sarcastic

1329
01:37:06.120 --> 01:37:11.520
Yes, yeah, it wasn't like a positive I just kind of laughed and I was like, oh like that's not

1330
01:37:12.040 --> 01:37:15.160
You feel that way kind of like laughed it off and we both laughed

1331
01:37:15.720 --> 01:37:19.480
but like I guess looking back on it now, it's like that for me would be like

1332
01:37:20.480 --> 01:37:26.280
Like if you feel like that's what this process is like and you're not really like it doesn't feel like you're respectful

1333
01:37:27.200 --> 01:37:31.640
Of the process then like we're okay to not keep I'm okay to not keep

1334
01:37:33.360 --> 01:37:36.840
This that's kind of how I feel looking back at that comment. Yeah

1335
01:37:37.720 --> 01:37:39.720
Okay, so a couple things here

1336
01:37:39.920 --> 01:37:47.040
I'm gonna help kind of help you process this just because you brought this upset this situation up. So let me ask some questions here

1337
01:37:47.720 --> 01:37:50.960
He he had a video date, this is most recent

1338
01:37:51.680 --> 01:37:52.880
and

1339
01:37:52.880 --> 01:37:55.920
He said hey, you want to give me a text and you gave him his number?

1340
01:37:55.920 --> 01:37:58.280
Did he did he ever follow through and text you?

1341
01:38:00.720 --> 01:38:05.000
Yeah, he did and I just kind of offered my number he didn't really ask for it

1342
01:38:05.000 --> 01:38:07.640
I just was like I had enjoyed our conversation

1343
01:38:08.400 --> 01:38:10.400
Okay, so he did text

1344
01:38:10.400 --> 01:38:12.400
Did you respond?

1345
01:38:12.920 --> 01:38:14.040
Yes

1346
01:38:14.040 --> 01:38:16.040
Okay, are you still talking to him?

1347
01:38:18.040 --> 01:38:23.800
Well, I've been thinking more over time as it goes and he just text me today that team you were talking about at the very

1348
01:38:23.800 --> 01:38:30.640
Beginning he text me like a team the red team. I use I don't I told him I don't I don't have cable

1349
01:38:30.640 --> 01:38:34.600
So I'm like, yeah, I'm like excited for him and for you

1350
01:38:34.600 --> 01:38:39.400
I had I almost wrote back and was like, I don't know what that means, but I just haven't responded yet

1351
01:38:40.120 --> 01:38:46.960
But I was kind of thinking of like formulating some text of like there's been some other unhealthy things I've felt from him and so

1352
01:38:46.960 --> 01:38:48.960
Okay, but yeah

1353
01:38:49.480 --> 01:38:54.760
Okay. So yeah, there's a couple things here. I don't think I I

1354
01:38:56.600 --> 01:39:02.080
Don't want you to let me see how I want to say this. Um, I

1355
01:39:02.160 --> 01:39:06.720
Want to get to some I want to get some good questions here for you because

1356
01:39:10.000 --> 01:39:14.800
This is still early this is still early on and I don't know if this is a

1357
01:39:16.680 --> 01:39:18.680
Response out of like your own

1358
01:39:19.960 --> 01:39:24.760
Stuff that you've got like walls up for that. You're you've got some fears up like

1359
01:39:24.920 --> 01:39:27.840
It was he being sarcastic because he was being rude and

1360
01:39:28.840 --> 01:39:33.320
Disrespectful or was he just like nervous himself and trying to like

1361
01:39:34.200 --> 01:39:37.800
Yeah, I mean with his own insecurities like we're still trying to feel him out

1362
01:39:37.800 --> 01:39:42.000
So I like that you're still continuing to talk to him and let's like again

1363
01:39:42.000 --> 01:39:45.560
These could be these are this is what would be like, okay. These are these are like

1364
01:39:46.160 --> 01:39:48.000
some like

1365
01:39:48.000 --> 01:39:49.520
yellow green

1366
01:39:50.360 --> 01:39:52.360
This is what

1367
01:39:54.600 --> 01:39:56.420
I

1368
01:39:56.420 --> 01:39:58.460
Think

1369
01:39:58.460 --> 01:40:00.460
That this could be

1370
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:05.120
flag, right? We're like, okay, I didn't like that. I want to see

1371
01:40:03.120 --> 01:40:05.120
Good

1372
01:40:05.120 --> 01:40:07.880
does he continue to kind of show up like this where these he's

1373
01:40:07.880 --> 01:40:12.160
making these statements that feel a little, you know, the

1374
01:40:12.160 --> 01:40:13.960
thing that's coming to my mind is like kind of passive

1375
01:40:13.960 --> 01:40:19.800
aggressive, like, I'm saying something, but I'm, I'm kind of

1376
01:40:17.160 --> 01:40:19.160
No

1377
01:40:19.800 --> 01:40:23.920
painting it like it's a joke, but really, I'm not joking sort

1378
01:40:23.920 --> 01:40:28.000
of thing. Is that what his intention is? Or is he just

1379
01:40:28.000 --> 01:40:33.680
really like, trying to be flirty and just really has no

1380
01:40:33.720 --> 01:40:35.160
understanding of how to do that.

1381
01:40:38.400 --> 01:40:40.480
Text, I guess to him just kind of

1382
01:40:40.480 --> 01:40:44.160
Yeah, so I like that you're still keeping those, those

1383
01:40:44.160 --> 01:40:46.600
options open where you're chatting and you're still like

1384
01:40:46.600 --> 01:40:52.960
trying to feel it out. Um, so that's good. So I want you

1385
01:40:52.960 --> 01:40:57.480
again, but I, I want you to still stay in tune with how you

1386
01:40:57.480 --> 01:41:02.320
are responding. And I want you to be getting curious with

1387
01:41:02.320 --> 01:41:09.200
yourself as to what am I feeling? What are these motions?

1388
01:41:09.520 --> 01:41:12.840
What does this remind me of? Is there anything that feels

1389
01:41:12.840 --> 01:41:17.320
similar to to see if there's anything that could be revealed

1390
01:41:17.320 --> 01:41:23.160
here? If you're noticing kind of these feelings like where this

1391
01:41:23.160 --> 01:41:29.520
is, it potentially could be leading you to an something that

1392
01:41:29.760 --> 01:41:34.560
is deeper that could be highlighting an area that God

1393
01:41:34.560 --> 01:41:39.280
wants to heal. Yeah. Like, is there a time in your past that

1394
01:41:39.280 --> 01:41:44.120
you can recall someone saying something disrespectful to you?

1395
01:41:44.760 --> 01:41:47.600
That feels very similar to this?

1396
01:41:48.600 --> 01:41:52.000
Yeah, there's already stuff coming to mind. So yeah, so

1397
01:41:52.000 --> 01:41:56.480
that might be why it's kind of sitting that way. And that it

1398
01:41:56.480 --> 01:41:59.720
may be just you need, you know, God just saying, Okay, I want

1399
01:41:59.720 --> 01:42:03.080
you to look at that. And he's just wanting to go heal that.

1400
01:42:03.160 --> 01:42:06.840
And it might just be like, okay, just go do some prayer time with

1401
01:42:06.840 --> 01:42:10.320
him. And then you work through it and you're good. Okay, it

1402
01:42:10.320 --> 01:42:12.640
might not have anything to do with this guy, whether this guy

1403
01:42:12.640 --> 01:42:15.840
is someone you continue to date or not. It just might be a way

1404
01:42:15.840 --> 01:42:21.960
that God's using this dating situation to just reveal a

1405
01:42:21.960 --> 01:42:25.480
little bit of an area say, Hey, I want you to heal this. Like, I

1406
01:42:25.480 --> 01:42:28.280
don't want this to kind of carry with you anymore. Let's just go

1407
01:42:28.280 --> 01:42:31.560
ahead and get rid of this now. Yeah, this doesn't have to be an

1408
01:42:31.560 --> 01:42:37.160
issue anymore. Yeah. But but you did say you I did you did

1409
01:42:37.160 --> 01:42:40.280
mention some other things that was kind of coming up. Do you

1410
01:42:40.280 --> 01:42:42.880
want to share a little bit more about those? And then I want to

1411
01:42:43.240 --> 01:42:46.720
and then I want to take anybody else that wants to share if

1412
01:42:46.720 --> 01:42:49.200
there's a few more people. I think Callie had her hand up.

1413
01:42:51.120 --> 01:42:53.920
Just in general, like if you could share some advice on like

1414
01:42:53.920 --> 01:42:58.240
in the moment if someone crosses a boundary, like, I need, I do

1415
01:42:58.240 --> 01:43:01.600
better if I can explain myself, but I know we're not supposed to

1416
01:43:01.600 --> 01:43:04.640
like be telling people we're in this program. But that would be

1417
01:43:04.640 --> 01:43:08.680
really helpful for me. Okay, yeah. So I'm glad you I'm glad

1418
01:43:08.680 --> 01:43:10.680
you brought that back up. Because originally, I did want

1419
01:43:10.680 --> 01:43:15.960
to share that too. So yes. In that moment, when he said that

1420
01:43:15.960 --> 01:43:19.560
thing, I think you responded, well, I think just kind of not

1421
01:43:19.560 --> 01:43:24.640
paying attention to it. And then just kind of leaving it. You

1422
01:43:24.640 --> 01:43:28.400
waited to see if he was going to text you or not. I mean, this is

1423
01:43:28.400 --> 01:43:34.240
where you know, if he meant it that way. He most likely wouldn't

1424
01:43:34.240 --> 01:43:39.200
have texted you. If it was a downright, like he was just

1425
01:43:39.240 --> 01:43:42.080
saying something to be disrespectful, because he really

1426
01:43:42.080 --> 01:43:48.240
truly isn't interested, then he wouldn't have messaged you. So

1427
01:43:48.280 --> 01:43:53.360
at that point, you're like, good, he just, he did the work

1428
01:43:53.360 --> 01:43:56.320
for me, I don't even have to do anything about it. Because he

1429
01:43:56.320 --> 01:44:00.120
just, he just went ahead and removed himself so that I didn't

1430
01:44:00.120 --> 01:44:03.520
have to do any heavy lifting. I don't have to spend any energy

1431
01:44:03.520 --> 01:44:10.560
about that with that. So, but he did. So now, if he's

1432
01:44:10.560 --> 01:44:16.040
messaging you, and he does something like that, again, I

1433
01:44:16.040 --> 01:44:20.280
would then respond to him with more of a question. Hey, what

1434
01:44:20.280 --> 01:44:26.720
do you mean by that? Yeah, be curious. Give people an

1435
01:44:26.720 --> 01:44:34.320
opportunity to explain themselves more so that you're

1436
01:44:34.320 --> 01:44:40.000
not jumping to conclusions. And you're opening the door, where

1437
01:44:40.000 --> 01:44:43.640
they can be like, Oh, like, sometimes it's like, Hey, can

1438
01:44:43.640 --> 01:44:47.240
you? What do you mean by that? Like, sometimes it's just even

1439
01:44:47.240 --> 01:44:50.520
the tone that you have, like, I'm not sure what you mean by

1440
01:44:50.520 --> 01:44:54.480
that. That alone could be like, throw somebody be like, Oh, wow,

1441
01:44:54.480 --> 01:44:59.040
like, that that came off, not how I wanted.

1442
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:03.800
that did not come out the way that I wanted it to.

1443
01:45:03.800 --> 01:45:06.720
I'm really sorry, I actually meant this.

1444
01:45:06.720 --> 01:45:08.600
And then they can go ahead and do that.

1445
01:45:08.600 --> 01:45:11.440
Like they'll go in and correct.

1446
01:45:11.440 --> 01:45:13.600
Or, you know, they might be like,

1447
01:45:13.600 --> 01:45:16.440
oh, I was just joking and I was just,

1448
01:45:16.440 --> 01:45:17.640
and if they do that,

1449
01:45:17.640 --> 01:45:19.080
because ladies, fun fact,

1450
01:45:19.080 --> 01:45:20.440
that is one of my pet peeves.

1451
01:45:20.440 --> 01:45:21.480
Like I told that to my husband.

1452
01:45:21.480 --> 01:45:26.480
I do not like when people kind of say something

1453
01:45:27.000 --> 01:45:29.080
in a joking way.

1454
01:45:29.080 --> 01:45:31.960
Like they give you like an insult or like,

1455
01:45:31.960 --> 01:45:32.800
and then they're like,

1456
01:45:32.800 --> 01:45:34.840
oh, I was just kidding.

1457
01:45:34.840 --> 01:45:36.440
Oh my gosh, I don't like that.

1458
01:45:36.440 --> 01:45:39.200
I don't like when my kids do that to each other.

1459
01:45:39.200 --> 01:45:40.040
And so my husband's like,

1460
01:45:40.040 --> 01:45:40.880
they're just being kids.

1461
01:45:40.880 --> 01:45:43.160
I'm like, no, that is so dismissive.

1462
01:45:44.520 --> 01:45:48.200
And that's only because I've had past relationships

1463
01:45:48.200 --> 01:45:49.960
of men that have done that to me.

1464
01:45:49.960 --> 01:45:51.680
And so I know that that's a trigger for me

1465
01:45:51.680 --> 01:45:53.080
and that's a wound.

1466
01:45:53.080 --> 01:45:56.600
So I've been able to work through that

1467
01:45:56.600 --> 01:45:59.520
and be able to, you know,

1468
01:45:59.520 --> 01:46:02.320
be open to those and being able to create those boundaries.

1469
01:46:02.320 --> 01:46:04.320
And so that's why I invite people like,

1470
01:46:04.320 --> 01:46:06.080
hey, what'd you mean by that?

1471
01:46:06.080 --> 01:46:07.920
And so then when they say that,

1472
01:46:07.920 --> 01:46:09.920
oh, well, I was just kidding.

1473
01:46:09.920 --> 01:46:13.280
Then you get to say, okay, I understand that.

1474
01:46:13.280 --> 01:46:16.440
But that wasn't really joking to me.

1475
01:46:16.440 --> 01:46:19.680
I really, that didn't land well.

1476
01:46:19.680 --> 01:46:21.600
That didn't land as a joke to me.

1477
01:46:21.600 --> 01:46:23.520
That actually was really hurtful.

1478
01:46:23.520 --> 01:46:24.640
And I would really appreciate

1479
01:46:24.640 --> 01:46:27.920
if you wouldn't dismiss my feelings like that.

1480
01:46:29.480 --> 01:46:34.000
You get to be able to have a firm boundary

1481
01:46:35.880 --> 01:46:40.120
and you get to say, that didn't feel good to me.

1482
01:46:41.080 --> 01:46:45.920
I can understand where that might be a joke.

1483
01:46:45.920 --> 01:46:48.920
I'm letting you know that wasn't a joke for me.

1484
01:46:48.920 --> 01:46:50.040
We can move past it,

1485
01:46:50.040 --> 01:46:52.920
but please be mindful to not do that again.

1486
01:46:54.840 --> 01:46:59.160
And if they are like all bent out of shape about it,

1487
01:47:01.400 --> 01:47:03.960
that alone is a sign to you

1488
01:47:03.960 --> 01:47:07.280
that they're not willing to respect your boundary.

1489
01:47:07.280 --> 01:47:11.600
And that's when you just be like, okay, next.

1490
01:47:12.600 --> 01:47:14.000
But if you're like, oh my goodness,

1491
01:47:14.000 --> 01:47:15.560
I really did not realize that.

1492
01:47:15.560 --> 01:47:16.760
I'm really sorry.

1493
01:47:16.760 --> 01:47:19.480
I will work on doing, you know, getting better at that.

1494
01:47:19.480 --> 01:47:24.040
Like give someone the opportunity to respect your boundary.

1495
01:47:25.160 --> 01:47:29.400
I mean, again, and they may not do it perfectly.

1496
01:47:29.400 --> 01:47:30.400
Y'all, I can't tell you,

1497
01:47:30.400 --> 01:47:33.480
like I've been married a couple of years now.

1498
01:47:33.480 --> 01:47:36.000
There's things that my husband has done

1499
01:47:36.000 --> 01:47:38.640
that to him doesn't feel like a big deal,

1500
01:47:38.640 --> 01:47:40.960
but because of my stuff,

1501
01:47:40.960 --> 01:47:42.560
I'm like, honey, that doesn't feel good to me.

1502
01:47:42.560 --> 01:47:43.760
I don't like it when you do that.

1503
01:47:43.760 --> 01:47:46.320
Like it upsets me, it hurts me.

1504
01:47:46.320 --> 01:47:49.000
I would really like you to work on doing this.

1505
01:47:49.880 --> 01:47:51.480
And he's like, I'm really sorry.

1506
01:47:51.480 --> 01:47:52.720
Like, I didn't mean it that way.

1507
01:47:52.720 --> 01:47:54.840
I'll work on doing it better.

1508
01:47:55.880 --> 01:48:00.160
Now, two months down the road, he might do it again.

1509
01:48:01.880 --> 01:48:03.840
Does that mean I married the wrong man?

1510
01:48:05.800 --> 01:48:08.400
No, it means he's human.

1511
01:48:09.680 --> 01:48:10.720
And then guess what?

1512
01:48:10.720 --> 01:48:13.040
I'd be like, hey, honey,

1513
01:48:13.040 --> 01:48:17.160
you remember when I told you I don't really like that?

1514
01:48:17.160 --> 01:48:19.960
Then as soon as I give him that reminder,

1515
01:48:20.840 --> 01:48:24.720
I can see in his response, his intentionality,

1516
01:48:24.720 --> 01:48:26.280
babe, I'm really, really sorry.

1517
01:48:26.280 --> 01:48:28.360
Like, that was not, I'm really sorry.

1518
01:48:28.360 --> 01:48:31.520
What can, like, there is a sincerity of a,

1519
01:48:31.520 --> 01:48:34.760
like, I really didn't mean to do that.

1520
01:48:36.880 --> 01:48:38.680
Y'all, my husband just did that to me the other day.

1521
01:48:38.680 --> 01:48:43.680
Like, literally, I, this is silly.

1522
01:48:43.720 --> 01:48:48.080
I do not like my kids hanging out in our bedroom.

1523
01:48:48.080 --> 01:48:48.920
I don't know why.

1524
01:48:49.160 --> 01:48:52.880
Like, I just don't like the kids being in our space.

1525
01:48:52.880 --> 01:48:57.800
Like, I just think that is a husband and wife's place.

1526
01:48:57.800 --> 01:49:00.720
And I'm like, we have common areas.

1527
01:49:00.720 --> 01:49:03.560
We have, you know, a living room, a dining room.

1528
01:49:03.560 --> 01:49:05.640
We have common areas.

1529
01:49:05.640 --> 01:49:07.160
Like, if we want to spend time with our kids,

1530
01:49:07.160 --> 01:49:09.400
we can spend time with our kids out in those areas.

1531
01:49:09.400 --> 01:49:12.160
They do not need to be in our rooms, in our bed,

1532
01:49:12.160 --> 01:49:13.000
all of that.

1533
01:49:14.000 --> 01:49:19.000
I was out at an appointment, and I come home,

1534
01:49:20.600 --> 01:49:22.640
and I thought my kids were asleep.

1535
01:49:22.640 --> 01:49:23.480
And next thing you know, I'm, like,

1536
01:49:23.480 --> 01:49:25.400
hearing stuff in my room.

1537
01:49:25.400 --> 01:49:26.760
And I'm out on the couch, like,

1538
01:49:26.760 --> 01:49:29.200
I think answering some of you ladies on the app.

1539
01:49:29.200 --> 01:49:33.000
And I'm like, are the kids in my room?

1540
01:49:33.000 --> 01:49:34.920
Like, what is happening?

1541
01:49:34.920 --> 01:49:37.800
The doorbell rings, and some of the kids' friends

1542
01:49:37.800 --> 01:49:39.480
are, like, coming over to play.

1543
01:49:39.480 --> 01:49:42.320
And I look in their rooms, they're not there.

1544
01:49:42.480 --> 01:49:46.200
And they're hanging out with my husband in my bed.

1545
01:49:50.480 --> 01:49:53.680
I had, y'all, I had eyes for my husband.

1546
01:49:53.680 --> 01:49:57.840
I was just like, I really was like,

1547
01:49:57.840 --> 01:50:00.040
you know how I feel about that.

1548
01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:02.360
You did that on purpose.

1549
01:50:02.360 --> 01:50:04.600
I really thought he was doing that to like,

1550
01:50:04.600 --> 01:50:07.200
cause I thought he was mad at me.

1551
01:50:07.200 --> 01:50:08.600
I thought he was doing that on purpose.

1552
01:50:08.600 --> 01:50:10.900
I thought he was literally doing it for chav.

1553
01:50:10.900 --> 01:50:15.240
He wasn't, but I was just like,

1554
01:50:15.240 --> 01:50:18.000
you, you gotta be kidding me.

1555
01:50:18.000 --> 01:50:21.520
Now, I mean, was like,

1556
01:50:21.520 --> 01:50:26.000
but I know I've communicated to him that I don't like that.

1557
01:50:26.000 --> 01:50:29.000
And then the one time that happens,

1558
01:50:30.400 --> 01:50:33.040
I'm like, are you serious?

1559
01:50:33.040 --> 01:50:35.080
Now, obviously he didn't mean it that way.

1560
01:50:35.080 --> 01:50:36.480
I did say something.

1561
01:50:36.480 --> 01:50:40.520
I mean, I obviously was like, babe, that was not okay.

1562
01:50:41.360 --> 01:50:45.840
And then he could own it and then we can move past it.

1563
01:50:45.840 --> 01:50:50.480
So it doesn't mean that you communicate it

1564
01:50:50.480 --> 01:50:51.560
and you put the boundary up

1565
01:50:51.560 --> 01:50:53.640
that there aren't gonna be times where someone might say,

1566
01:50:53.640 --> 01:50:57.240
oh, I like, but we still want to be curious.

1567
01:50:57.240 --> 01:50:58.720
We wanna ask questions.

1568
01:50:58.720 --> 01:51:01.280
We wanna give people that opportunity.

1569
01:51:01.280 --> 01:51:04.960
Now, obviously if it's, you know,

1570
01:51:06.120 --> 01:51:11.120
like again, if it's a sexual thing, that's a strong no.

1571
01:51:12.040 --> 01:51:15.040
That's a, you don't give people second chances for that.

1572
01:51:16.640 --> 01:51:19.800
They cross that boundary and they really cross it.

1573
01:51:20.960 --> 01:51:22.160
That's a blessing block.

1574
01:51:22.160 --> 01:51:24.580
You don't even give it an explanation.

1575
01:51:24.580 --> 01:51:26.240
Now, out of curiosity,

1576
01:51:26.240 --> 01:51:28.880
they might ask you what your position is,

1577
01:51:28.880 --> 01:51:33.880
like what's your opinion on sex before marriage.

1578
01:51:35.680 --> 01:51:37.720
Okay, that does happen.

1579
01:51:37.720 --> 01:51:39.640
I still don't love it when guys ask that,

1580
01:51:39.640 --> 01:51:40.680
especially early on.

1581
01:51:40.680 --> 01:51:44.440
I really, really don't, but it can happen.

1582
01:51:46.120 --> 01:51:50.320
You can be honest and truthful, see how they respond to that.

1583
01:51:52.520 --> 01:51:55.160
If they're respectful to it, move on.

1584
01:51:55.160 --> 01:51:58.100
And then watch if they bring it up again.

1585
01:51:59.440 --> 01:52:02.880
If they don't, then you're good.

1586
01:52:02.880 --> 01:52:04.840
They're respecting that boundary.

1587
01:52:04.840 --> 01:52:06.760
My husband put it out on the table.

1588
01:52:06.760 --> 01:52:09.200
He was actually the one that was like,

1589
01:52:09.200 --> 01:52:11.920
I'm not interested in having sex before marriage.

1590
01:52:11.920 --> 01:52:12.880
And for me, that was a relief.

1591
01:52:12.880 --> 01:52:14.280
I was like, oh, thank goodness.

1592
01:52:14.280 --> 01:52:16.000
Like he, I already know he feels that way.

1593
01:52:16.000 --> 01:52:18.880
I don't have to have the awkward conversation.

1594
01:52:18.880 --> 01:52:21.280
Like, hey, I'm not having sex before marriage,

1595
01:52:21.280 --> 01:52:23.920
but I have a kid and I've never been married.

1596
01:52:24.520 --> 01:52:26.560
That was always an uncomfortable thing.

1597
01:52:26.560 --> 01:52:28.760
I'm gonna have to have this conversation.

1598
01:52:28.760 --> 01:52:33.760
But he already had it on his little profile thing.

1599
01:52:34.120 --> 01:52:36.300
It wasn't online, but he was on a group

1600
01:52:36.300 --> 01:52:37.720
that was shared with me.

1601
01:52:37.720 --> 01:52:39.640
And I was like, oh, thank you, Jesus.

1602
01:52:39.640 --> 01:52:41.560
I don't have to have to do that.

1603
01:52:43.560 --> 01:52:45.640
And then we never talked about it

1604
01:52:45.640 --> 01:52:50.640
until we then started having conversation about exclusivity

1605
01:52:51.640 --> 01:52:56.640
and really engagement of what that would look like.

1606
01:52:57.200 --> 01:53:00.600
Like, hey, we wanna be serious.

1607
01:53:00.600 --> 01:53:03.080
We're thinking like, if we are exclusive,

1608
01:53:03.080 --> 01:53:05.760
it will like, our intention will be

1609
01:53:05.760 --> 01:53:08.240
to look at getting engaged.

1610
01:53:08.240 --> 01:53:09.880
And then once we were in that relationship

1611
01:53:09.880 --> 01:53:11.960
and talking about engagement, then it was like,

1612
01:53:11.960 --> 01:53:15.560
okay, we then had those conversations

1613
01:53:15.560 --> 01:53:18.280
of what that would look like.

1614
01:53:19.160 --> 01:53:20.000
Does that make sense?

1615
01:53:20.040 --> 01:53:21.200
I don't want you ladies having

1616
01:53:21.200 --> 01:53:23.160
those sex conversations too early

1617
01:53:23.160 --> 01:53:25.920
because you bring up the sex talk too early.

1618
01:53:25.920 --> 01:53:27.640
Like, it's out.

1619
01:53:29.400 --> 01:53:30.500
It's on mind.

1620
01:53:32.260 --> 01:53:33.760
All right, Karen, you're up.

1621
01:53:33.760 --> 01:53:36.040
You're my last one for today.

1622
01:53:36.040 --> 01:53:38.160
I always appreciate you.

1623
01:53:38.160 --> 01:53:40.360
And I am going to get better, I promise.

1624
01:53:42.960 --> 01:53:45.080
I think you're doing great.

1625
01:53:45.080 --> 01:53:46.760
I think you're doing great.

1626
01:53:46.760 --> 01:53:47.600
Okay.

1627
01:53:48.200 --> 01:53:50.160
I was hoping this was more interactive

1628
01:53:50.160 --> 01:53:52.280
and more useful for you ladies.

1629
01:53:52.280 --> 01:53:56.080
Oh, let me just say, I was gonna text this to you,

1630
01:53:56.080 --> 01:53:57.480
but I don't wanna say it in front of everybody.

1631
01:53:57.480 --> 01:53:58.800
I think you did a great job.

1632
01:53:58.800 --> 01:54:01.520
And I know I was trained as in teaching.

1633
01:54:01.520 --> 01:54:05.200
And when we interact, we actually learn a lot more.

1634
01:54:05.200 --> 01:54:07.360
And the other is good too, the one way is good too.

1635
01:54:07.360 --> 01:54:09.800
But I think you're just great.

1636
01:54:09.800 --> 01:54:10.640
So that's my-

1637
01:54:10.640 --> 01:54:12.920
Agree, I was a former teacher and I'm like,

1638
01:54:12.920 --> 01:54:15.120
when you all get to participate,

1639
01:54:15.120 --> 01:54:16.160
you're gonna get more out of it.

1640
01:54:16.200 --> 01:54:20.160
And I'm like, I gotta get you ladies like doing stuff.

1641
01:54:20.160 --> 01:54:21.840
So I appreciate that.

1642
01:54:21.840 --> 01:54:24.080
I promise we're gonna get better at this.

1643
01:54:24.080 --> 01:54:25.680
Ebony is a teacher too.

1644
01:54:25.680 --> 01:54:26.800
So we're like tag team.

1645
01:54:26.800 --> 01:54:29.560
And we're like, we gotta do something different

1646
01:54:29.560 --> 01:54:30.400
because-

1647
01:54:30.400 --> 01:54:31.440
I love it.

1648
01:54:31.440 --> 01:54:32.280
I love it.

1649
01:54:33.320 --> 01:54:37.960
Anyway, I hope I said that firmly and clearly enough.

1650
01:54:37.960 --> 01:54:38.800
Yes, you did.

1651
01:54:38.800 --> 01:54:39.640
I appreciate you.

1652
01:54:41.120 --> 01:54:42.200
So fun.

1653
01:54:42.200 --> 01:54:45.000
I'll tell you, I'm actually what's called

1654
01:54:45.040 --> 01:54:46.960
an external processor.

1655
01:54:46.960 --> 01:54:51.000
So saying it out loud actually helps me get it more.

1656
01:54:51.000 --> 01:54:52.360
And when I was in a group,

1657
01:54:52.360 --> 01:54:54.080
I got something that I didn't get

1658
01:54:54.080 --> 01:54:56.280
when I just wrote something down.

1659
01:54:56.280 --> 01:54:57.120
Good.

1660
01:54:57.120 --> 01:54:59.120
I know, it was so helpful.

1661
01:54:59.120 --> 01:55:00.320
I was like, oh, that's-

1662
01:55:00.000 --> 01:55:01.200
Good, Karen.

1663
01:55:01.200 --> 01:55:02.520
Take it.

1664
01:55:02.520 --> 01:55:03.880
Yes.

1665
01:55:03.880 --> 01:55:05.080
All right, share that with us.

1666
01:55:05.080 --> 01:55:07.720
What it was is the bottom line is

1667
01:55:07.720 --> 01:55:12.160
I realized that I needed to be clear within myself

1668
01:55:12.160 --> 01:55:17.600
about how I felt about something and what my boundaries were

1669
01:55:17.600 --> 01:55:20.880
and what I needed so that I could be clear with the man

1670
01:55:20.880 --> 01:55:23.200
that I was dating.

1671
01:55:23.200 --> 01:55:24.200
And here's what happened.

1672
01:55:24.200 --> 01:55:27.520
In short, there's a man that I really enjoyed,

1673
01:55:27.520 --> 01:55:29.360
but I realized after the third date

1674
01:55:29.360 --> 01:55:34.600
that I just didn't want to date him for good reasons.

1675
01:55:34.600 --> 01:55:38.280
So I let him know that in an affirming way in my text.

1676
01:55:38.280 --> 01:55:48.000
And then I sent him a text with something I knew he'd love.

1677
01:55:48.000 --> 01:55:49.080
Jesus.

1678
01:55:49.080 --> 01:55:52.040
OK, so that he gets back to me.

1679
01:55:52.040 --> 01:55:55.720
He sends a couple texts and one of them, anyway, whatever.

1680
01:55:55.800 --> 01:55:58.880
And I just didn't feel peace about it.

1681
01:55:58.880 --> 01:56:01.000
So there I'm being aware of my feelings.

1682
01:56:01.000 --> 01:56:04.640
I came from a point I did not know how I felt

1683
01:56:04.640 --> 01:56:07.440
and I did not know what boundaries I needed.

1684
01:56:07.440 --> 01:56:10.200
So I was like, so I'm aware of the feelings.

1685
01:56:10.200 --> 01:56:11.440
I'm going, and so I'm praying.

1686
01:56:11.440 --> 01:56:13.120
And I actually took a day or two,

1687
01:56:13.120 --> 01:56:15.680
something like that, to get clarity in myself

1688
01:56:15.680 --> 01:56:19.200
and realized, OK, I really like him as a friend.

1689
01:56:19.200 --> 01:56:21.120
That's why I communicated again.

1690
01:56:21.120 --> 01:56:21.880
Yeah.

1691
01:56:21.880 --> 01:56:24.880
OK, but I don't want to date, so I need to be clear with him.

1692
01:56:24.920 --> 01:56:28.600
So I let him know in a nice, affirming way,

1693
01:56:28.600 --> 01:56:30.960
again, you're a treasure, you're awesome,

1694
01:56:30.960 --> 01:56:34.400
and I need to not text, whatever, basically.

1695
01:56:34.400 --> 01:56:38.640
So getting clear within myself helped me get clear with him

1696
01:56:38.640 --> 01:56:40.920
because I was sending mixed messages.

1697
01:56:40.920 --> 01:56:41.960
Yeah.

1698
01:56:41.960 --> 01:56:44.080
No, that's good, and that you're recognizing that.

1699
01:56:44.080 --> 01:56:47.280
And I love that you're giving yourself grace

1700
01:56:47.280 --> 01:56:49.360
to walk through that as well.

1701
01:56:49.360 --> 01:56:50.080
Yeah.

1702
01:56:50.080 --> 01:56:53.520
Ladies, this is the whole point of the dating for discovery

1703
01:56:53.520 --> 01:56:55.240
process.

1704
01:56:55.240 --> 01:57:00.960
You're learning, OK, it's OK for you to recognize,

1705
01:57:00.960 --> 01:57:03.400
I really like this person as a friend.

1706
01:57:03.400 --> 01:57:05.760
I'm not romantically interested.

1707
01:57:05.760 --> 01:57:09.640
I want to spend time getting to know this person,

1708
01:57:09.640 --> 01:57:14.120
but I also know I need to be clear in letting them know,

1709
01:57:14.120 --> 01:57:17.360
hey, I want to make sure that you're aware.

1710
01:57:17.360 --> 01:57:20.200
I'm not interested in this progressing anything

1711
01:57:20.200 --> 01:57:21.680
romantically.

1712
01:57:21.680 --> 01:57:26.440
So in order to help keep that boundary there,

1713
01:57:26.440 --> 01:57:28.840
I'm going to refrain from messaging you.

1714
01:57:28.840 --> 01:57:32.640
Because you saw how that was not settling with you.

1715
01:57:32.640 --> 01:57:33.160
Right.

1716
01:57:33.160 --> 01:57:37.800
And for some women, and some men, they can do that.

1717
01:57:37.800 --> 01:57:41.440
For me, I'm not one of those people.

1718
01:57:41.440 --> 01:57:42.800
And I know there's a lot of ladies

1719
01:57:42.800 --> 01:57:44.040
like, I don't want to hurt somebody.

1720
01:57:44.040 --> 01:57:44.840
I don't want to let someone down.

1721
01:57:44.840 --> 01:57:46.560
I want to lead somebody on.

1722
01:57:46.560 --> 01:57:49.080
If that's kind of what comes up for you,

1723
01:57:49.080 --> 01:57:51.240
then you're not going to be able to be like,

1724
01:57:51.240 --> 01:57:55.480
I can go on a date with someone and just be friends with them.

1725
01:57:55.480 --> 01:58:00.720
Like, it's learning that about yourself, OK?

1726
01:58:00.720 --> 01:58:03.720
And again, sometimes that just takes

1727
01:58:03.720 --> 01:58:06.720
going through the process.

1728
01:58:06.720 --> 01:58:10.560
And again, as long as you're being honest with yourself

1729
01:58:10.560 --> 01:58:13.520
and you're working through that, and again,

1730
01:58:13.520 --> 01:58:17.440
it might take you a week or two or a couple months.

1731
01:58:17.640 --> 01:58:22.080
Whatever that looks like, give yourself the grace.

1732
01:58:22.080 --> 01:58:27.120
You're not going to be perfect at this, OK?

1733
01:58:27.120 --> 01:58:31.800
And you get to own when you get to own it.

1734
01:58:31.800 --> 01:58:36.680
So if for some reason someone did get hurt in the process

1735
01:58:36.680 --> 01:58:42.360
and it was never your heart, you get to share that.

1736
01:58:42.360 --> 01:58:46.280
And then they get to choose whether or not

1737
01:58:46.280 --> 01:58:48.960
they receive it or not.

1738
01:58:48.960 --> 01:58:50.920
That's not our responsibility.

1739
01:58:50.920 --> 01:58:55.600
We are responsible to be respectful to people,

1740
01:58:55.600 --> 01:58:59.520
but it's not our responsibility to make people decide

1741
01:58:59.520 --> 01:59:02.560
what they want to do with it.

1742
01:59:02.560 --> 01:59:05.920
Like, we have to, like, that's a big thing with boundaries, too.

1743
01:59:05.920 --> 01:59:11.560
And when you all listen to that video or listen to it again,

1744
01:59:11.560 --> 01:59:14.680
you'll hear that, like, it's learning,

1745
01:59:14.680 --> 01:59:19.640
like, what are we responsible for and to?

1746
01:59:19.640 --> 01:59:20.840
Like, it's very different.

1747
01:59:20.840 --> 01:59:23.520
I can't remember how Renee words it.

1748
01:59:23.520 --> 01:59:28.920
Like, I'm responsible to somebody.

1749
01:59:28.920 --> 01:59:31.200
Or I think it's like, I'm responsible to something,

1750
01:59:31.200 --> 01:59:32.800
but I'm not responsible for someone.

1751
01:59:32.800 --> 01:59:34.880
Or I'm responsible for somebody, but not to somebody.

1752
01:59:34.880 --> 01:59:38.480
Like, I'm not saying it clearly.

1753
01:59:38.480 --> 01:59:43.040
Renee says it perfectly, if that makes sense.

1754
01:59:43.040 --> 01:59:47.440
So it's learning, like, I'm only responsible

1755
01:59:47.440 --> 01:59:50.080
for what I can be responsible for.

1756
01:59:50.080 --> 01:59:52.720
As long as I'm honoring and as long

1757
01:59:52.720 --> 01:59:57.600
as I'm clear in my communication and I know where my heart is

1758
01:59:57.600 --> 02:00:00.600
and I'm communicating that heart.

1759
02:00:00.000 --> 02:00:05.280
I can't then choose how that person then receives it,

1760
02:00:05.280 --> 02:00:08.760
picks it up, chooses to believe it.

1761
02:00:08.760 --> 02:00:13.320
I can't decide that. I can't.

1762
02:00:16.520 --> 02:00:18.840
If you tell that guy,

1763
02:00:18.840 --> 02:00:23.040
hey, I really appreciated getting to know you.

1764
02:00:23.040 --> 02:00:24.680
You're a wonderful person.

1765
02:00:24.680 --> 02:00:25.960
I want to be friends.

1766
02:00:25.960 --> 02:00:28.480
However, I don't see this going anywhere romantically.

1767
02:00:28.680 --> 02:00:32.080
I like to think that we could still continue to talk,

1768
02:00:32.080 --> 02:00:35.440
but that wouldn't really make me feel comfortable.

1769
02:00:35.440 --> 02:00:38.520
So I'm just going to have to stop texting you.

1770
02:00:38.520 --> 02:00:41.240
I really apologize.

1771
02:00:41.240 --> 02:00:43.800
Now, how he feels about you

1772
02:00:43.800 --> 02:00:48.000
and how he accepts that or not accepts it, that's on him.

1773
02:00:48.000 --> 02:00:51.960
That's something he gets to sort out with God.

1774
02:00:51.960 --> 02:00:54.200
But you honored yourself.

1775
02:00:54.200 --> 02:00:57.320
You were true, kind, clear,

1776
02:00:57.320 --> 02:01:00.320
and that's all you can do.

1777
02:01:00.320 --> 02:01:02.720
That's important to learn.

1778
02:01:02.720 --> 02:01:05.960
Okay, I know I'm definitely going over a little bit.

1779
02:01:05.960 --> 02:01:07.520
I don't know if Kelly is still on here.

1780
02:01:07.520 --> 02:01:11.960
She is. I know she mentioned in the chat

1781
02:01:11.960 --> 02:01:15.120
she's pretty good about having some good boundaries,

1782
02:01:15.120 --> 02:01:18.760
but she did mention the hotter the guy is,

1783
02:01:18.760 --> 02:01:23.000
the less boundaries she has.

1784
02:01:23.000 --> 02:01:26.840
Is that with this new guy?

1785
02:01:26.840 --> 02:01:28.040
How's that going?

1786
02:01:28.040 --> 02:01:30.800
Yes, I have not met him yet.

1787
02:01:30.800 --> 02:01:31.960
Okay.

1788
02:01:31.960 --> 02:01:33.800
So you haven't met him in person yet?

1789
02:01:33.800 --> 02:01:34.880
Not yet.

1790
02:01:34.880 --> 02:01:35.720
Okay.

1791
02:01:35.720 --> 02:01:36.560
No.

1792
02:01:36.560 --> 02:01:37.400
Okay.

1793
02:01:37.400 --> 02:01:38.840
But I'm planning ahead.

1794
02:01:38.840 --> 02:01:39.720
Okay.

1795
02:01:39.720 --> 02:01:41.440
But is this the guy that is,

1796
02:01:42.480 --> 02:01:44.360
reminds you of your former?

1797
02:01:44.360 --> 02:01:45.200
It is.

1798
02:01:45.200 --> 02:01:46.560
Okay, yeah, we want, okay.

1799
02:01:46.560 --> 02:01:51.160
I was not aware that you have not met him in person yet.

1800
02:01:51.160 --> 02:01:53.440
So yeah, I want you,

1801
02:01:53.440 --> 02:01:55.680
you're already doing beautiful in the app.

1802
02:01:55.680 --> 02:01:58.000
Continue to keep us updated.

1803
02:01:58.000 --> 02:02:02.640
I want to really help keep those things in check for you.

1804
02:02:04.040 --> 02:02:04.880
Because-

1805
02:02:04.880 --> 02:02:07.000
Yeah, that's, but my biggest one is,

1806
02:02:08.200 --> 02:02:11.320
is I'm on the spectrum of anxious avoidant, right?

1807
02:02:11.320 --> 02:02:12.280
Dab in the middle.

1808
02:02:12.280 --> 02:02:13.120
Oh girl.

1809
02:02:13.120 --> 02:02:13.960
And I'm just,

1810
02:02:15.600 --> 02:02:19.360
and I'm actually more leaning avoidant at this point

1811
02:02:19.360 --> 02:02:22.800
in the sense of if I even smell someone has low capacity

1812
02:02:22.800 --> 02:02:25.280
or resistance to growth, I'm out.

1813
02:02:25.720 --> 02:02:28.560
I'm just so disinterested that I might be

1814
02:02:28.560 --> 02:02:32.120
kind of pushing people away or kind of overlooking them

1815
02:02:32.120 --> 02:02:34.320
just because I'm just done.

1816
02:02:35.720 --> 02:02:37.000
I don't want to be anyone's therapist.

1817
02:02:37.000 --> 02:02:38.560
I don't have to beg them to change.

1818
02:02:38.560 --> 02:02:39.960
And I don't want to have to feel like

1819
02:02:39.960 --> 02:02:42.200
I have to make myself smaller.

1820
02:02:42.200 --> 02:02:44.200
So I'm trying to practice discovery

1821
02:02:44.200 --> 02:02:46.960
in the sense of inviting people to pace,

1822
02:02:46.960 --> 02:02:48.800
because maybe it just takes them a while to open up

1823
02:02:48.800 --> 02:02:50.480
and I just kind of get right to the point.

1824
02:02:50.480 --> 02:02:53.440
So I'm going to have to maybe back up a little bit.

1825
02:02:53.480 --> 02:02:55.760
So I don't know, I'm struggling with that.

1826
02:02:55.760 --> 02:02:56.600
That's fine.

1827
02:02:56.600 --> 02:02:58.480
I want, so what you're doing now

1828
02:02:58.480 --> 02:03:01.240
with you coming into the app, like you're doing it beautiful.

1829
02:03:01.240 --> 02:03:02.960
Like I said, you're doing it beautifully.

1830
02:03:02.960 --> 02:03:06.880
Like you ladies, if you want an example

1831
02:03:06.880 --> 02:03:09.520
of how to really get the most out of this program,

1832
02:03:10.360 --> 02:03:13.400
look at Callie, Sam does this really well.

1833
02:03:13.400 --> 02:03:16.160
I'm trying to think who else has come in.

1834
02:03:16.160 --> 02:03:18.640
If you're coming in the app and you're sharing,

1835
02:03:18.640 --> 02:03:20.800
I mean, I don't care how long it is.

1836
02:03:20.800 --> 02:03:23.400
If you are giving us details and letting us know

1837
02:03:24.240 --> 02:03:25.280
what are you processing through,

1838
02:03:25.280 --> 02:03:27.480
what situations are happening.

1839
02:03:27.480 --> 02:03:30.280
I mean, I don't care if it changes day to day.

1840
02:03:31.360 --> 02:03:35.040
Like if stuff is going on and you need to share with me

1841
02:03:35.040 --> 02:03:38.400
twice a day, like put it in there.

1842
02:03:38.400 --> 02:03:41.520
Okay, I do my best to get in there as often as I can.

1843
02:03:41.520 --> 02:03:43.800
I think Sam, I still have to respond to you.

1844
02:03:43.800 --> 02:03:44.960
No, I'm coming.

1845
02:03:44.960 --> 02:03:46.280
I am, I promise.

1846
02:03:49.080 --> 02:03:51.720
But I want you ladies coming in there

1847
02:03:51.760 --> 02:03:55.680
and let us know what you're struggling with.

1848
02:03:55.680 --> 02:03:56.880
What questions do you have?

1849
02:03:56.880 --> 02:03:59.520
What things are coming up for you?

1850
02:03:59.520 --> 02:04:02.000
Okay, so Callie, what we're going to do with you,

1851
02:04:02.000 --> 02:04:03.680
like when those things come up,

1852
02:04:04.760 --> 02:04:07.440
I will probably be asking you some questions

1853
02:04:07.440 --> 02:04:10.600
that will probably start doing some hard work stuff.

1854
02:04:11.760 --> 02:04:13.760
A lot of this stuff is going to probably lean

1855
02:04:13.760 --> 02:04:15.040
a little bit more into hard work

1856
02:04:15.040 --> 02:04:16.600
and we're just going to get to those things.

1857
02:04:16.600 --> 02:04:18.880
And these are all good things.

1858
02:04:18.880 --> 02:04:21.360
We want this stuff to come out.

1859
02:04:21.880 --> 02:04:23.200
This is when it's like,

1860
02:04:23.200 --> 02:04:25.320
I don't want you ladies to get discouraged

1861
02:04:25.320 --> 02:04:26.400
if you're on these dates

1862
02:04:26.400 --> 02:04:29.080
and it doesn't feel like you're getting any traction

1863
02:04:29.080 --> 02:04:30.800
and it's like, what's happening?

1864
02:04:30.800 --> 02:04:35.080
Like nothing, this is where the work takes place.

1865
02:04:35.080 --> 02:04:39.920
This is where the healing really does start working.

1866
02:04:40.800 --> 02:04:45.200
Like I say it from my own testimony.

1867
02:04:46.360 --> 02:04:50.200
Okay, I had stuff that I had to really get through,

1868
02:04:50.240 --> 02:04:52.360
like a really did.

1869
02:04:52.360 --> 02:04:54.960
And like, I was like, when's it gonna happen

1870
02:04:54.960 --> 02:04:56.600
that this situation, this situation,

1871
02:04:56.600 --> 02:04:58.120
this situation, this situation,

1872
02:04:58.120 --> 02:05:00.120
like I've got this and then I...

1873
02:05:00.000 --> 02:05:02.320
Felt like I was kind of like, just like Callie,

1874
02:05:02.320 --> 02:05:05.360
I was anxious avoidant, fearful avoidant,

1875
02:05:05.360 --> 02:05:09.520
like I'm anxious, and then once I kind of like

1876
02:05:09.520 --> 02:05:12.120
get you there, then I'm like, whoa, I'm a little too close.

1877
02:05:12.120 --> 02:05:13.920
I'm gonna put the wall up,

1878
02:05:13.920 --> 02:05:18.160
because now I've literally opened myself up to get hurt,

1879
02:05:18.160 --> 02:05:21.040
because every close relationship I had found myself in,

1880
02:05:22.060 --> 02:05:23.580
I was hurt.

1881
02:05:24.440 --> 02:05:25.520
I was let down.

1882
02:05:25.520 --> 02:05:26.560
I was rejected.

1883
02:05:26.560 --> 02:05:27.840
They gave up on me.

1884
02:05:27.880 --> 02:05:29.900
Like, they never followed through.

1885
02:05:31.080 --> 02:05:34.320
Y'all, I had a, I was pregnant, seven months pregnant,

1886
02:05:34.320 --> 02:05:37.200
and my son's biological father left me

1887
02:05:37.200 --> 02:05:38.640
seven months pregnant.

1888
02:05:38.640 --> 02:05:40.480
Like, woo!

1889
02:05:40.480 --> 02:05:41.920
All right, I had to heal through that.

1890
02:05:41.920 --> 02:05:43.920
I mean, there's all this stuff, like,

1891
02:05:43.920 --> 02:05:47.180
and now I can say like, that does not,

1892
02:05:47.180 --> 02:05:49.200
I don't carry that anymore.

1893
02:05:49.200 --> 02:05:50.360
I really don't.

1894
02:05:51.680 --> 02:05:52.720
Because this heart work stuff,

1895
02:05:52.720 --> 02:05:55.560
and I had to go through some dates and stuff,

1896
02:05:55.560 --> 02:06:00.560
and some recognizing of things to get to those pieces,

1897
02:06:02.640 --> 02:06:04.960
and it was really good, and I still even get to do that

1898
02:06:04.960 --> 02:06:06.340
even now in my marriage.

1899
02:06:07.480 --> 02:06:09.640
Your marriages are gonna even bring this stuff out

1900
02:06:09.640 --> 02:06:12.920
in you ladies, and it's gonna grow your relationships

1901
02:06:12.920 --> 02:06:15.480
even closer together, too.

1902
02:06:15.480 --> 02:06:19.760
Okay, so come in the app, share what's going on.

1903
02:06:19.760 --> 02:06:21.640
I think, Callie, I think some of the things

1904
02:06:21.640 --> 02:06:23.160
that you have shared, I think we probably

1905
02:06:23.160 --> 02:06:25.600
have already started that process,

1906
02:06:25.600 --> 02:06:27.920
where I think I have already started asking you

1907
02:06:27.920 --> 02:06:30.800
some questions of things to kind of sit with,

1908
02:06:30.800 --> 02:06:34.440
spend with the Lord, bring it back,

1909
02:06:34.440 --> 02:06:36.160
like when, you know, and you don't have to,

1910
02:06:36.160 --> 02:06:39.320
ladies, you don't have to answer those questions right away.

1911
02:06:39.320 --> 02:06:40.640
I don't, sometimes I don't want you

1912
02:06:40.640 --> 02:06:42.720
to answer those questions right away.

1913
02:06:42.720 --> 02:06:47.300
I really do want you to sit with the Lord for a day or two,

1914
02:06:48.440 --> 02:06:51.640
and really, really sit and process through that

1915
02:06:51.680 --> 02:06:56.240
with you and God, and then bring to me

1916
02:06:56.240 --> 02:06:59.760
what's been processing, and then we can see

1917
02:06:59.760 --> 02:07:01.300
if there's another layer.

1918
02:07:02.960 --> 02:07:04.600
Because sometimes you guys will just realize,

1919
02:07:04.600 --> 02:07:06.000
like, all it takes is a day or two

1920
02:07:06.000 --> 02:07:09.200
of just sitting with the Lord,

1921
02:07:09.200 --> 02:07:10.380
and then you're gonna go out, like,

1922
02:07:10.380 --> 02:07:11.720
maybe you're gonna go to the grocery store,

1923
02:07:11.720 --> 02:07:13.600
and God's just gonna literally show you something,

1924
02:07:13.600 --> 02:07:15.800
and it's gonna give you the breakthrough that you need.

1925
02:07:15.800 --> 02:07:18.360
Like, it is amazing how God will literally

1926
02:07:19.320 --> 02:07:21.320
show you something on television,

1927
02:07:21.320 --> 02:07:25.840
or you'll read something with one of the ladies here,

1928
02:07:25.840 --> 02:07:27.680
and you're gonna be like, whoa,

1929
02:07:27.680 --> 02:07:30.400
you're gonna be at church, and you're gonna hear a sermon,

1930
02:07:30.400 --> 02:07:33.640
or you're gonna hear a worship song on the radio,

1931
02:07:33.640 --> 02:07:36.760
and it's gonna be like, it's just gonna hit.

1932
02:07:36.760 --> 02:07:40.780
It's spiritually going to hit you differently

1933
02:07:40.780 --> 02:07:43.200
because you've spent that time processing it with the Lord,

1934
02:07:43.200 --> 02:07:45.000
because it was God all along.

1935
02:07:46.000 --> 02:07:49.240
And so, once you've allowed yourself that time,

1936
02:07:51.320 --> 02:07:53.320
it's just like, oh my goodness,

1937
02:07:53.320 --> 02:07:55.280
this is the breakthrough that I needed.

1938
02:07:55.280 --> 02:07:56.800
You're gonna listen to a Supernatural Saturday,

1939
02:07:56.800 --> 02:07:59.080
you're gonna get on a prayer call,

1940
02:07:59.080 --> 02:08:01.680
and it's all just gonna start piecing together,

1941
02:08:01.680 --> 02:08:04.880
and that's what, like, and then you're gonna realize,

1942
02:08:04.880 --> 02:08:07.160
all because maybe a question, or you sharing,

1943
02:08:07.160 --> 02:08:09.640
or you reading something, like, whatever.

1944
02:08:11.680 --> 02:08:14.920
Utilize this community, utilize this community,

1945
02:08:15.760 --> 02:08:19.000
utilize this app, okay?

1946
02:08:19.000 --> 02:08:22.760
But Sam's shaking her head because she knows, she knows.

1947
02:08:22.760 --> 02:08:24.280
She's been doing this.

1948
02:08:25.520 --> 02:08:27.560
And I know Callie knows because she's been,

1949
02:08:27.560 --> 02:08:28.680
I mean, she's only been here, what,

1950
02:08:28.680 --> 02:08:31.520
you've only been here like a couple weeks,

1951
02:08:31.520 --> 02:08:33.960
and she is engaged, Karen's engaged.

1952
02:08:33.960 --> 02:08:37.160
Like, they're all, most of you ladies that I see on here,

1953
02:08:37.160 --> 02:08:39.700
like, I know, Paula, you're brand new,

1954
02:08:39.700 --> 02:08:43.160
but you ladies, Mackenzie, she's come and shared.

1955
02:08:44.080 --> 02:08:46.320
It's my girl, Stephanie, I know Lovelette, she's shared,

1956
02:08:46.320 --> 02:08:49.360
Mika shared, all you ladies, like, I see all,

1957
02:08:49.360 --> 02:08:52.560
I see y'all, you ladies that show up.

1958
02:08:52.560 --> 02:08:54.440
And so, any of you that are listening to replay,

1959
02:08:54.440 --> 02:08:55.800
ladies, you wanna show up.

1960
02:08:56.720 --> 02:09:00.340
And if you can't be here on the live,

1961
02:09:00.340 --> 02:09:03.360
you're listening to replay, that's okay.

1962
02:09:03.360 --> 02:09:05.360
I wanna see you posting in the chat.

1963
02:09:05.360 --> 02:09:07.120
I wanna see you posting in the app.

1964
02:09:08.360 --> 02:09:10.860
That's where the breakthrough happens.

1965
02:09:10.860 --> 02:09:13.040
All right, here I thought I was gonna be like,

1966
02:09:13.880 --> 02:09:15.800
so good about being on time.

1967
02:09:15.800 --> 02:09:17.000
I'm gonna get better.

1968
02:09:17.000 --> 02:09:19.520
And Karen, thank you again for that encouragement.

1969
02:09:21.000 --> 02:09:24.200
Ebony and myself, we are working on these teachings.

1970
02:09:24.200 --> 02:09:26.340
So as we grow in that,

1971
02:09:26.340 --> 02:09:28.640
I think we're gonna just be able to tighten these up

1972
02:09:28.640 --> 02:09:31.520
and really see what works, what doesn't,

1973
02:09:31.520 --> 02:09:36.520
and be able to really get the best out of our time.

1974
02:09:37.840 --> 02:09:41.960
And then, yeah, sound good?

1975
02:09:43.720 --> 02:09:48.320
All right, tonight, another live with Ebony.

1976
02:09:48.320 --> 02:09:50.200
She'll be covering some of the same things.

1977
02:09:50.200 --> 02:09:52.640
It's always good if you can comment to both.

1978
02:09:52.640 --> 02:09:55.920
And then we will post the activation.

1979
02:09:55.920 --> 02:09:59.320
It is going to be along the lines of boundaries.

1980
02:10:00.000 --> 02:10:02.320
We're gonna, if you are someone that struggles

1981
02:10:02.320 --> 02:10:06.080
with having too many boundaries,

1982
02:10:06.080 --> 02:10:09.280
we're going to activate you to kind of maybe

1983
02:10:09.280 --> 02:10:13.180
do something that might lessen your boundary a little bit.

1984
02:10:13.180 --> 02:10:15.600
So you pick one and share about it.

1985
02:10:15.600 --> 02:10:18.160
If you tend to not have a lot of boundaries,

1986
02:10:18.160 --> 02:10:20.600
we're gonna ask you to pick something

1987
02:10:20.600 --> 02:10:23.440
where you're gonna put a boundary in place, okay?

1988
02:10:23.440 --> 02:10:25.800
So be looking for that in the app

1989
02:10:25.840 --> 02:10:30.420
and we'll see you later, okay?

1990
02:10:31.440 --> 02:10:33.160
All right, bye ladies.

1991
02:10:33.160 --> 02:10:34.000
Thank you.

1992
02:10:34.880 --> 02:10:35.720
See ya.