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Good evening, ladies.

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I'm just going to, and gents, I'm going to give it a minute or two just to make sure

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folks are getting on.

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I love the fact that it's seven o'clock and it's still light out, y'all, like we're getting

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those longer days.

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I don't know where some of y'all live, that may not be true for everybody.

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And I see a lot of people off camera, and I'm hoping that changes in the next 10 minutes

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because I don't want to talk to just a bunch of names across the screen, that's just no

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fun at all.

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So do you say Juddy?

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Do you say Juddy?

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You're on mute.

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Or is it Judy?

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Do you say Judy or Juddy?

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Oh, Mandy, yeah, that's okay.

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I appreciate you.

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Okay, well, so tonight is, as you guys know, on the beginning part of the session, I always

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try to see topics that I see in the Facebook feed that are the consistent questions I see

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coming up again.

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And I want to smack my head against the wall because sometimes I see you guys asking the

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same thing that I feel like I've shared three times.

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But if people keep asking it, then I need to bring it more clearly.

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So that's what I'm assuming.

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So I'm always going to cover some topics.

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And tonight specifically, we're going to talk about your non-negotiables from heaven versus

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your preferences.

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Because we want to make sure that your non-negotiables from heaven are not getting in your way.

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But we also want to make your especially make sure your preferences, because some of you

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may need to adjust some of your preferences.

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And we'll go along the way.

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Okay.

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Yes, it is being recorded Mandy, thank you for checking because I'm the queen of forgetting

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to hit record.

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Okay.

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So, and I apologize, y'all, I'm on day four of wearing Invinci-Lines, okay, nobody told

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me for the first couple of weeks, my mouth is like my gum line is like all chewed up.

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I can't stand it.

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And I pretty much have to use a dental plier to get these things out.

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Which means I can't eat except like three times a day.

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And I didn't realize how much I snacked and how much I drank coffee because I can't get

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to accept it.

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So I have to get this thing out and then brush my teeth.

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And I feel like I'm talking with spit in my mouth.

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So I apologize.

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And oh, no one else also told me that because your saliva can't get around that you drink

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a lot of water.

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I'm already on, I'm well over 120 ounces of water.

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And yeah, let's just say I'm super hydrated.

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So I'm going to lose weight.

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I don't know how people don't lose weight on Invinci-Lines because I just can't get

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them out.

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So maybe that was that was the thing.

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So ladies, if you, and men, if you can't stop eating, get these little braces things.

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All right.

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So the first one, and I love talking about this one.

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Thank you.

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Oh, Cheryl, thank you for saying that.

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Let me go ahead and do that right now.

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Cheryl is back from her trip.

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We are so excited.

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Okay.

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So the first one is spotting the 3Ms.

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So men, you're on the call too.

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So for women, we say the 3Ms, mature, masculine, and marriage-minded.

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For men, it's the same thing, except it's mature, feminine, and marriage-minded.

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And so we're going to talk about what does it mean?

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Like, well, what does it really mean to be mature?

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Here's what I think a mature person does.

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A mature person can talk about their ex without having a meltdown, without complaining about

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them, without throwing them under the bus and diagnosing them and blaming them for their

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marriage.

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They can talk about it with clarity.

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They can talk about it calmly, and they can talk about whatever mistakes they've made

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in the past, whether it's their marriage, family, job.

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They have a posture that says, here's where I've learned, here's where I've grown, and

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here's where I'm going.

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So a mature person knows that they have made mistakes, and they're not defensive about

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those mistakes.

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They don't blame other people for those mistakes, and they can own their mistakes.

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A mature person can have hard conversations.

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A mature person can go and do a deep dive,

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especially if you're past like that first month.

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So a mature person,

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they can carry themselves when they're angry

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and they can carry themselves when they're sad.

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That's what a mature person does.

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They behave like an adult.

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And here's, I have said this a million times,

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but I'll keep saying it because I live by it.

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And I learned this from my therapist.

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Adults make statements, children explain.

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So when you find yourself

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and or you see somebody explaining their answer

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over and over and over again,

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then you're starting to be,

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that's what a child does.

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An adult will make a statement.

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So if somebody asks you something,

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you can say with clarity,

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I understand why you're thinking that,

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here's what's true.

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If they don't believe you,

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you can say it one more time.

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You don't have to start explaining yourself.

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Like Renee,

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cause I remember before Brian,

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I dated somebody who started questioning

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how much I was spending time with my family.

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Well, Renee, and I just said,

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you know what?

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I booked these trips before I even met you.

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I'm not going to cancel them.

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So I've got to play them out.

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And it turned into this thing.

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And I just started repeating my answer.

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I booked these vacations before I met you.

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That's my final answer, period.

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So that's what mature people can do.

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Masculine or feminine.

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It means that they're operating in our divine gifts.

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If you guys don't remember what it means

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to be divinely masculine and divinely feminine,

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I want to say at the top of the year,

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I unpack that again.

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Otherwise you can go back to the phase two

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love story accelerator and look up

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and rewatch the divine masculine and feminine.

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A masculine person is going to take charge.

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They're going to plan a date.

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They're going to open the car door for you.

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They're going to open the door for you.

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They're going to step on the side of the street

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where the traffic is.

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If you're dating them, they're going to hold your hand.

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They're going to guide you.

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In those first couple of dates,

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I think they're going to pay for the dates.

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Feminine.

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It means that you look feminine.

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You show up either in a dress or a cute pair of pants

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and some heels and or a flirty outfit or something jewelry.

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Like you're showing up being feminine.

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You're going to be soft.

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Soft doesn't mean you can't be loud.

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Like I'm a loud Italian.

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But you can show some softness with you.

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You can thank them.

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You can show gratitude.

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And so I'm not going to re-go over that,

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but masculine and feminine is sitting in their divine seat

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and not the weak version of it

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or not the non-existent version of it.

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So if you're not sure if someone's being masculine

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or you're feminine, or you're not sure you are,

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then I would ask you to go back to that teaching.

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Marriage-minded.

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Here's the really important one, you guys.

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It is okay at your age, if you're over the age of 30

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and you're on this call or listening to a replay,

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it is okay for you to ask where people are at

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in their dating season.

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It is okay to ask.

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Like, hey, you know what?

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I understand you just got divorced.

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So tell me kind of where you're at in your dating season.

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Are you just getting back out there?

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Are you looking to meet friends?

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And you're looking for somebody to say, you know what?

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I feel like I've been out there long enough

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and I'm really just looking for my person.

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You wanna find somebody,

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if you are marriage-minded yourself,

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you wanna find somebody who's also marriage-minded.

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So if they tell you something like, you know what?

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I'm just getting back out there.

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I just got divorced after 30 years.

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I don't know where God has it.

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That is not a marriage-minded person.

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If they say to you something like, oh my gosh,

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I got really destroyed in my last marriage.

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I'm sure if I finally met the right person,

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I might think differently about marriage.

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You don't want to go after somebody

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who doesn't come into the conversation

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already with a good attitude about marriage.

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If you wanna get married

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and they still have negative feelings about marriage

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because of what's happened to them in the past,

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then they have not finished their hard work.

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It's just that simple.

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Now you might say, well, I'm gonna give it a chance.

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Girl, guy, you can give it a chance.

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But in six months, if it's not moving anywhere,

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don't come to me and say, Renee,

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why isn't he going anywhere?

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Why isn't she going anywhere?

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I'm like, well, were they marriage ready?

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And I'm not saying they're,

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you don't have to have them say something like,

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oh my gosh, I wanna get married by the end of the year.

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That's not what you're looking for.

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But you wanna hear somebody

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who has a good attitude about marriage,

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they're healed from their past,

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and they're ready to settle down.

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Those are the kinds of words you're looking for.

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Settle down, they're positive about marriage,

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and they're done with their past.

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So that is how do you spot the three Ms.

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And so when we get towards the end,

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if you have a question about the three Ms,

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or the MFM for the men,

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jot it down, and as we get towards the end,

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I'll be happy to answer that question.

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Pacing, this is another question

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that still continues.

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to come up a lot. What should the pacing be like? How long should you text versus video

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versus a live date? Now, you know how I feel about this. How many weeks do I tell you guys

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to last before you move on to the video date? Everybody put up a number. It's one. If you

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are talking by text longer than a week and it's turned into a month, something's wrong.

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It is okay. So ladies, how do you do this without feeling like you're leading? You

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just say like, hey, you know what? I don't know about you, but I'm looking to date in

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real life. And for me, one of the best ways to do that is to move this to a video chat

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where you can see and hear each other and see body language. It's a great way to get

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the entire communication process. So I don't text after just about a week. So if you're

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open to that, I would love for us to schedule a video chat, either Google me or zoom. And

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if they say, well, can we just exchange phone numbers next? No, we can't. I just, my preference

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for our first session is Google me or zoom. Remember I said to you guys, children explain

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adults make statements. Why don't you want my phone number? I don't need to explain that.

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I only do Google me or zoom for the verse video. I promise you, once we get past that,

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I will be happy to give you my phone number. Do you see how I didn't explain it like, well,

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it's because it's online and it's because it's not safe. Like I made a statement. I

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prefer to see full body language. I prefer to hear your tone and inflection. I don't

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need to explain anything more. The data already shows that that's how, that's the best way

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to learn communication. That's enough of an explanation. And I just repeat myself. So

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by the, by the time somebody asks you the same thing, the third time, this is what you

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can say. I've already answered that question twice. And that's my final answer. Is this

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something that's still an issue? Because if it's still an issue, we might be done and

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that's okay. And you can say, and that's okay. This isn't for everybody. I know I'm not for

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everybody. I just know for me, I don't text longer than a week because I just, I really

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am looking to, I am looking to date somebody in real life. Hey, looking to date somebody

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in real life. That's the only way you get there. So that's how long we text video date.

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So somebody says to me, well, what if they don't book the video date? You stop texting.

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You just say, you just stop answering. You say it once, Hey, I've already mentioned,

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I don't text at this point. Now you're asking really great questions. Those are video conversations

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or those are live conversations. So it's not that I'm not interested. I'm just not going

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to continue this texting conversation. If you want to really keep talking, we're going

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to book a video date and then you just stop. You stop. You guys, I am married to an incredible

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human being, but I promise you plenty of men thought I was a jerk, thought I was a bitch

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and like drop me like a hot potato because I was that permanent. But guess what I also

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didn't do? I didn't waste a lot of time. So some of you that are exhausted and burnt out

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from online dating, it's because you're giving men and women too much time and attention

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that have not deserved it. Okay. Live dates. I personally got to the point where I started

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doing a video date simply because my time became very important to me. So sometimes

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like setting up for a full date, you got to like book, like with traffic and getting there

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and getting dressed like three hours. And I don't know if somebody was worth three hours

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of my time when a video date for 30 minutes can tell me like really quickly that this

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was not. And I will tell you guys, every time I skipped him in right to the first date

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without a video date, every one of those didn't just bomb. Like they like crashed and burned.

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Like I had a guy who basically found out I was in seminary and like, I think he couldn't

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run out of the restaurant fast enough. Another guy, I asked another question and he got so

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angry with me and I'm like, Renee, you know better. You would have learned this in the

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video call and y'all could have saved yourself some time. The only time I would have been

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okay with a live date first is if they were willing to come to me. And I only had to go

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down like a mile down the street. And it was like at the local coffee shop where we could

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just take a walk around. So I'm going to agree to that first date. I didn't want it to be

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a big old deal. Now you might feel like Renee, I want them to wind me and die me on the first

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date. I prefer that. I hate being on the video. That's fine. If you've got that kind of time

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and it doesn't feel like a waste of your time for you, go right to the first date. It is

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okay. I just started to get an economy of my time. And then of course, long distance,

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you guys, this is super important. If you are going long distance, you've got to get

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that first live visit within six weeks or six video dates. If you guys can't get there

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sooner than that, because money is an issue, schedule's an issue, I'm going to encourage

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you to take a step back and go, if it's getting this hard to book the first live date, how

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hard is it going to be to date this person consistently? If we have to get on the

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plane ride every time and we have job issues and children issues and financial issues,

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is this going to be a realistic person for me to date? It's not a bad thing. It's just a,

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it's just reality. Like there was a sweet guy I was talking to who was 2000 miles away

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and I had just started seminary. So my salary went from this to this. And I was like, dude,

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I don't have the money to get on a plane right now to go out to California. And he's like, well,

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I don't either. Cause I just switched jobs. And I'm like, well, then we got nothing. Cause

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either one of us can hop on the plane for the next six months. What are we doing?

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And so your person, it won't be this hard. Your person won't be this hard.

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So I really want you to be in. I also, I know Jackie would have me remind you if you are both

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dealing with parenting schedules and your kids are under 18 and the other parent is very involved

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in that parent issue. If neither one of you can relocate because of kids, don't start talking.

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Don't start talking because neither one of you can move. So you're just going to be miserable

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for, I don't know, another three or four years until one of you can move and, or you're going

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to separate that parental agreement. And Jackie and I, I kind of agree with you. I kind of feel

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like, and you guys, I, I gave some really bad advice because I don't know, like six months ago,

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somebody kind of met somebody who was like the perfect match for them, but they had kids.

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And I was like, Oh, just meet them. It's no big deal. And you know what they met and it was

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amazing, but then they couldn't do anything with it because it wouldn't work with their

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parenting schedule. And I think she went through a much bigger heartbreak because she had that

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meeting. So I've learned to get much more cautious on that. If there's no way for you guys to ever

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get in the same city and state, then don't start. And that's just because we want to protect you.

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Okay. So that's the pacing. And I'm going to say, Jackie did a teaching on it a couple,

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a month or two ago where she talked about the timeline, clarity, I'm sorry, curiosity,

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clarity, and commitment. And I thought that was such a beautiful way to explain it. The first 30

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days, you're just curious. You're asking questions about that are making you curious. Remember

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curious questions are, they are very present day and they're going forward. This is not where you

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unpack what happened in their divorce and their financial situation. You guys really, I've been

303
00:17:26.480 --> 00:17:31.360
helping a girlfriend who used to be in this program and oh my gosh, she is the queen for

304
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getting all of their dirt in the first 48 hours. And I'm like, girl, I get it. I'm a social worker

305
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too. I used to think that's a really good skill to have. It is except when you're dating. I don't

306
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care who they are. Nobody should be vomiting their stuff. They shouldn't be telling you about their

307
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12 step meeting, their drug addiction, their affairs, their pornography. No, no, not in the

308
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first 72 hours. There's never a good, well, but Renee, wouldn't you want to just get it over with?

309
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No, like, no, I'm just trying to, we're trying to teach you guys to pace yourself. So that first 30

310
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days, you're just curious about this person. The second 30 days is you're getting clarity is what

311
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are their actions and the words matching each other. That is a great time to have you meet

312
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their friends and you meet, they meet your friends. I mean, you may not be getting your

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family and your bestie, you know, but like, these are the people that are going to take a look on

314
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the outside and see how you guys interact to each other and what's the vibe. And I can promise you

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this, you guys, it is a rare moment when your family and friends don't support your person and

316
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it's your person. 9.9 times out of 10, if he or she is your person, your people think so too.

317
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So trust those people because they're not going to be looking at it with rose colored glasses.

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They want what's best for you. And then in the next 30 days, you're talking about what a future

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might look like. Now, some of you might go like, Renee, there's no way I'm going that fast.

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I'm specifically talking to the old farts like myself that I'm just a fan of in the first 90

321
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days, you can learn a lot about somebody. And so if you're going past 90 days, they may not be

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a complete yes, but if they're a no, you know, how many people would say they know it's a no

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within the first 90 days? You know, it's a no. And even when you stick around for six more months,

324
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you go back to that 90 day mark and you didn't learn anything new. All it did, all that extra

325
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six months did was just confirm that you were right. So you learn a lot in that first 90 days,

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which is why you don't need to be talking about getting married in the first 90 days.

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You really don't. I know it's happened here. Even Brian and I, you know, we knew we had a

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potential future together, but we really tried to not start talking marriage. I mean, really,

329
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it was like my sister met him on the 90 day mark. And she was the one that was like, Oh,

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are you guys thinking about getting married? And we're like, uh, you know, like we saw it

331
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potentially, but we hadn't really played it out.

332
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And she went from trying to break us up before she met him to by the end of the 10-hour drill

333
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down date, y'all, she full court pressed him for like, it was a holiday tent. It was a long day.

334
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By the end of the 10 hours, she was like, have the wedding here in my backyard. Swear to God,

335
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no lie. She even pulled out the basket of wedding supplies that she still had from when her son got

336
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married. But that's what happens when it's your person. It can still go fast when it's your

337
00:20:26.000 --> 00:20:32.640
person, but nobody is feeling frenetic about it. Okay. How do you drop the hanky without leading?

338
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This is specifically for the women. And so a lot of women say, how do I drop the hanky without me

339
00:20:37.360 --> 00:20:42.320
taking charge? Here's how I dropped the hanky without taking charge. Hey, I don't keep texting

340
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past a week. I feel like I need to move on to a video. After a couple of video dates, I say, hey,

341
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I usually think it's time to meet in person. If that's not where you're at, that's totally okay.

342
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But for me, I'm done video chatting. To me, I would call that as very clear drop the hankies.

343
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I'm kind of letting them know what's next. And you might say, Renee, that's kind of leading the

344
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pacing. Eh, maybe. A lot of guys are... I mean, here's the thing. I'm not making them book the

345
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video date. I'm not making them book the date, but I am kind of letting them know what my boundary is.

346
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Now, of course, people could be on vacations and schedules. Like Brian and I, we both had vacations

347
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back to back when we first met. So it was like three weeks before we could get our first date.

348
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And so, of course, life happens, but I'm just trying to help you guys keep the pace,

349
00:21:29.360 --> 00:21:36.240
keep the pace of moving. Okay. I had to handwrite my notes because I'm at a conference this week.

350
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So I didn't have my little printer handy. Okay. Is it a yes until it's a no? So I feel like this

351
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is a really important one because sometimes some of us stay in something too long because of that

352
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phrase, it's a yes until it's a no. I promise you that phrase is mostly important in the first 30

353
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days. Because a lot of times we don't give somebody a chance because they don't look like

354
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we think they're supposed to look like. They're not the height, not the weight. They don't have

355
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the job. They don't have the financial status. They don't live in the right city. They don't

356
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like the right activity. So there's somebody that you might be writing off in the first 30 days.

357
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And Jack is like, hey, it's a yes until it's a no. Do you enjoy them? Do you want to keep getting

358
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to know them? Are you still curious about them? Then it's a yes until it's no. Here's when it's

359
00:22:24.320 --> 00:22:31.360
not a yes until it's a no. If it's been like a couple months or a month or two and they want

360
00:22:31.360 --> 00:22:38.640
to go exclusive and you are still not physically attracted to them at all, you've given it enough

361
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time. And you guys, I was guilty of it. I started a Simbas class with a man here like four years ago

362
00:22:46.320 --> 00:22:51.040
and I still was not attracted to him. Like I remember my hairdresser. She's like, yeah,

363
00:22:51.040 --> 00:22:58.000
I knew you didn't like them. And you know when your hairdresser knows that you're not attracted

364
00:22:58.000 --> 00:23:01.920
to your person. And you guys, I got all the way to Simbas because I kept thinking, well,

365
00:23:01.920 --> 00:23:09.680
it's a yes until it's a no. And I'm like, no. And Jack, he was like, no, Renee, I did not mean

366
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wait that long. I meant get past the first few dates, but I didn't mean wait till you start

367
00:23:14.240 --> 00:23:20.160
talking about marriage to tell me you were never attracted to him or her. And we actually had to

368
00:23:20.160 --> 00:23:24.800
travel one night, you guys, and we had to share the same bed. And it was way too easy to be

369
00:23:24.800 --> 00:23:28.880
abstinent. You know, if you have to like share some space with somebody and it's way too easy

370
00:23:28.880 --> 00:23:35.920
to be abstinent, that's kind of a red flag right there. I'm just saying. Okay. The other reason

371
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when it's a no, it's a yes until it's a no. If you don't feel peace, this is a really big one,

372
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you guys. If you are feeling constantly anxious and confused and chaotic, pay attention to that.

373
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That is usually a no. You should not have to dissect every email, text, phone call that gets

374
00:23:59.920 --> 00:24:05.520
sent to you guys. I've already told you this. I dated some dude and I had to like literally Google,

375
00:24:05.520 --> 00:24:11.520
what does KK mean? Or what does K mean? And is that worse than okay? Like crazy making. If you

376
00:24:11.520 --> 00:24:18.160
have to analyze the situation with the team of people and surgeons, then it's probably not clear.

377
00:24:18.160 --> 00:24:26.320
God is the God of clarity, calm, and peace. And so if he or she's your person, you will feel peace,

378
00:24:26.320 --> 00:24:33.680
you will feel calm, and you will feel clarity. So you're like, okay, but Jackie also says,

379
00:24:33.680 --> 00:24:39.200
it doesn't have to be easy. It just has to be worth it. She didn't say it doesn't have to be

380
00:24:39.200 --> 00:24:44.640
easy. It could also be abusive and controlling and unhealthy. That's not what she's saying.

381
00:24:44.640 --> 00:24:48.960
And I took that statement the wrong way too. And I say with somebody too long who was kind of

382
00:24:48.960 --> 00:24:55.440
abusive. And so you have to decide, is that anxiety coming from your trigger, which means

383
00:24:55.440 --> 00:24:59.840
you have heart work to do, or is that your discernment? So you're like,

384
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:02.700
Okay, Renee, I don't have peace, but is that me?

385
00:25:02.700 --> 00:25:03.840
Am I running too fast?

386
00:25:03.840 --> 00:25:05.740
Is it my avoidant attachment?

387
00:25:05.740 --> 00:25:07.220
Is it my anxious attachment?

388
00:25:07.220 --> 00:25:12.180
So is it me and God's growing me, or is it them?

389
00:25:12.180 --> 00:25:13.660
You know how you find out?

390
00:25:13.660 --> 00:25:16.380
You ask your healthy friends to weigh in.

391
00:25:16.380 --> 00:25:18.860
You ask them to pay attention to you on a date.

392
00:25:18.860 --> 00:25:21.180
You ask them to watch you guys together.

393
00:25:21.180 --> 00:25:23.820
Your healthy friends will notice,

394
00:25:23.820 --> 00:25:26.660
and they will say, hmm, girl, that one was all you.

395
00:25:26.660 --> 00:25:29.380
Like, he was fine, that was all you.

396
00:25:29.380 --> 00:25:31.860
Like, you just got all bent out of shape about something.

397
00:25:31.860 --> 00:25:33.860
So your girlfriends and your dude friends,

398
00:25:33.860 --> 00:25:35.660
hopefully, will be honest with you.

399
00:25:35.660 --> 00:25:38.740
So if you're not sure if it's your stuff,

400
00:25:38.740 --> 00:25:40.780
and also put it in the thing here, you guys,

401
00:25:40.780 --> 00:25:42.900
because sometimes, and by the way,

402
00:25:42.900 --> 00:25:46.340
if you guys are gonna give us a snippet

403
00:25:46.340 --> 00:25:49.020
of something a guy or girl says,

404
00:25:49.020 --> 00:25:51.700
like, oh my gosh, look what he said, that was so offensive,

405
00:25:51.700 --> 00:25:53.100
I want you to have the guts

406
00:25:53.100 --> 00:25:56.500
to also share the entire conversation.

407
00:25:56.500 --> 00:25:59.780
Because sometimes you guys will highlight one comment

408
00:25:59.780 --> 00:26:01.780
a guy or girl will make in your response,

409
00:26:01.780 --> 00:26:03.940
and you're so offended by this one comment,

410
00:26:03.940 --> 00:26:05.940
but we have no idea the five or six things

411
00:26:05.940 --> 00:26:08.660
that you said in front of that that brought on that text.

412
00:26:08.660 --> 00:26:10.940
So if you want our advice,

413
00:26:10.940 --> 00:26:12.940
be honest about the whole conversation.

414
00:26:12.940 --> 00:26:15.420
I'm not saying you did something to deserve it,

415
00:26:15.420 --> 00:26:18.860
but we might see where it could have gone awry,

416
00:26:18.860 --> 00:26:21.300
and there might be a good learning opportunity.

417
00:26:21.300 --> 00:26:23.500
So hopefully, that kind of helps you think,

418
00:26:23.500 --> 00:26:25.020
is it a yes until it's a no?

419
00:26:25.020 --> 00:26:25.980
I'm almost done.

420
00:26:28.340 --> 00:26:29.860
This one's gonna be a really hard one to say,

421
00:26:29.860 --> 00:26:32.020
because I know people listening to this

422
00:26:32.020 --> 00:26:34.300
might feel offense to it.

423
00:26:34.300 --> 00:26:37.220
Do not stay if you're afraid to be alone.

424
00:26:38.820 --> 00:26:41.780
Do not stay if the only reason why you're saying

425
00:26:41.780 --> 00:26:44.540
is because you don't wanna start over again.

426
00:26:44.540 --> 00:26:49.540
I love you, but I promise you, the better is ahead.

427
00:26:49.700 --> 00:26:52.460
And I can say that because that was me,

428
00:26:52.460 --> 00:26:54.700
and I can say that because that was one of my best friends.

429
00:26:55.380 --> 00:26:57.100
She stayed with this guy for a year and a half,

430
00:26:57.100 --> 00:26:58.220
and he was good.

431
00:26:58.220 --> 00:26:59.100
He was a good guy.

432
00:26:59.100 --> 00:27:01.380
You guys, he was a nice guy.

433
00:27:01.380 --> 00:27:03.100
Always supported my nonprofit.

434
00:27:03.100 --> 00:27:04.740
He just doesn't wanna be married.

435
00:27:04.740 --> 00:27:06.140
He's 60 and never been married.

436
00:27:06.140 --> 00:27:07.980
Just doesn't ever wanna be married.

437
00:27:07.980 --> 00:27:08.980
And you know what?

438
00:27:08.980 --> 00:27:11.980
I would say he was filling her cup 70%.

439
00:27:11.980 --> 00:27:14.380
Took her out on dates, traveled with her.

440
00:27:14.380 --> 00:27:16.140
Good guy, good guy.

441
00:27:16.140 --> 00:27:19.020
But he really didn't wanna get married.

442
00:27:19.020 --> 00:27:23.300
And so if she was willing to accept 65 to 70%,

443
00:27:23.300 --> 00:27:24.260
they could have stayed together.

444
00:27:24.820 --> 00:27:25.660
I said, but is that all you want?

445
00:27:25.660 --> 00:27:28.140
Do you want just 65%?

446
00:27:28.140 --> 00:27:29.700
She's like, no, I want the full thing.

447
00:27:29.700 --> 00:27:30.860
And I said, I get it.

448
00:27:30.860 --> 00:27:33.780
Giving up the 65% is really hard

449
00:27:33.780 --> 00:27:36.100
because you're going back to zero.

450
00:27:36.100 --> 00:27:37.340
I get it.

451
00:27:37.340 --> 00:27:39.020
So I don't say that easily.

452
00:27:39.020 --> 00:27:41.460
I say that tenderly and with love.

453
00:27:41.460 --> 00:27:44.540
But I promise you, the very next person

454
00:27:44.540 --> 00:27:47.860
I dated after that person was Brian.

455
00:27:47.860 --> 00:27:50.380
She is now dating somebody who's a widower.

456
00:27:50.380 --> 00:27:51.780
He is marriage-minded.

457
00:27:51.780 --> 00:27:53.020
He is pacing.

458
00:27:53.020 --> 00:27:54.460
She's going like, oh my gosh,

459
00:27:54.460 --> 00:27:55.580
it's like six months later.

460
00:27:55.580 --> 00:27:56.660
She's like, oh my gosh,

461
00:27:56.660 --> 00:27:59.460
I didn't know how easy something could be.

462
00:27:59.460 --> 00:28:02.300
I didn't know how much peace I could get from somebody.

463
00:28:02.300 --> 00:28:03.820
You were right.

464
00:28:03.820 --> 00:28:06.180
I was only accepting the 65%.

465
00:28:06.180 --> 00:28:09.260
So if you're listening to this in free play

466
00:28:09.260 --> 00:28:11.460
or watching it live, please hear my heart.

467
00:28:11.460 --> 00:28:14.220
I'm not trying to ask you to dump them,

468
00:28:14.220 --> 00:28:15.940
but I'm gonna, and if you're like,

469
00:28:15.940 --> 00:28:16.820
but Renee, but Renee,

470
00:28:16.820 --> 00:28:18.700
then I'm gonna ask you to look really hard

471
00:28:18.700 --> 00:28:22.780
for the next 30 days and listen to what they tell you.

472
00:28:23.540 --> 00:28:24.740
Watch what they do.

473
00:28:24.740 --> 00:28:27.140
And if you feel like there is zero growth

474
00:28:27.140 --> 00:28:29.620
in this relationship in the next 30 days,

475
00:28:29.620 --> 00:28:32.420
then you know your answer, okay?

476
00:28:32.420 --> 00:28:33.580
All right, remember,

477
00:28:33.580 --> 00:28:36.380
your mate comes with peace and clarity.

478
00:28:36.380 --> 00:28:39.260
Your mate has a growth mindset.

479
00:28:39.260 --> 00:28:41.300
Your mate is safe.

480
00:28:41.300 --> 00:28:43.620
And your mate is supported by your friends.

481
00:28:43.620 --> 00:28:44.900
I'm gonna say that again.

482
00:28:44.900 --> 00:28:47.860
Your mate comes with peace and clarity.

483
00:28:47.860 --> 00:28:49.180
Again, not easy.

484
00:28:49.180 --> 00:28:51.340
I didn't say easy, but he gives you,

485
00:28:51.340 --> 00:28:53.140
he or she gives you peace and clarity,

486
00:28:53.140 --> 00:28:56.020
has a growth mindset and is safe

487
00:28:56.020 --> 00:28:58.060
and is supported by your friends.

488
00:28:58.060 --> 00:29:00.300
And I wanted to add the growth mindset

489
00:29:00.300 --> 00:29:02.500
because somebody asked me a really good question.

490
00:29:02.500 --> 00:29:04.340
And so I wanna clarify that.

491
00:29:04.340 --> 00:29:07.340
If you meet somebody who's not in the same place as you,

492
00:29:07.340 --> 00:29:10.580
whether it's fitness, faith, or finances,

493
00:29:10.580 --> 00:29:12.220
and I said to you guys last month,

494
00:29:12.220 --> 00:29:13.660
I said, well, give them a chance.

495
00:29:13.660 --> 00:29:17.020
If you're at an eight over here and they're at a three,

496
00:29:17.020 --> 00:29:18.500
that's okay.

497
00:29:18.500 --> 00:29:20.660
But if two, three months later,

498
00:29:20.660 --> 00:29:24.580
they're still at a three, that's a problem.

499
00:29:24.580 --> 00:29:27.340
Like, especially if it's a thing that's so important to you.

500
00:29:27.340 --> 00:29:30.180
So if your faith life is super important

501
00:29:30.180 --> 00:29:33.180
and you're at an eight and they're staying at a three

502
00:29:33.180 --> 00:29:36.900
and there's no growth, it's not that the three is bad,

503
00:29:36.900 --> 00:29:38.940
the no growth is the bad.

504
00:29:38.940 --> 00:29:41.780
Because if they're not gonna grow in that one area,

505
00:29:41.780 --> 00:29:45.180
chances are they're not gonna grow in any area,

506
00:29:45.180 --> 00:29:47.140
especially the hard areas.

507
00:29:47.140 --> 00:29:49.260
Because now that I'm on the married side,

508
00:29:49.260 --> 00:29:51.740
I promise you, there's a lot of hard.

509
00:29:51.740 --> 00:29:54.720
And if they don't have a growth mindset,

510
00:29:54.720 --> 00:29:58.060
it will impact the relationship in all of the other levels.

511
00:29:58.060 --> 00:30:00.220
Okay, so that's everything I have.

512
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:05.400
So the next, so we're at the bottom of the hour, which is perfect, because what I wanted

513
00:30:05.400 --> 00:30:10.320
to do, actually, I'm going to give it 10 or 15 minutes, and I'm going to answer any specific

514
00:30:10.320 --> 00:30:12.800
questions you have about what I just said.

515
00:30:12.800 --> 00:30:17.520
So I don't want your dating scenarios right now, unless it specifically kind of aligns

516
00:30:17.520 --> 00:30:18.520
to this.

517
00:30:18.520 --> 00:30:22.800
And then in the next, after 10 or 15 minutes, we're going to go into, I want some of you

518
00:30:22.800 --> 00:30:28.720
to be brave, and you're going to read to us your preferred list versus your non-negotiable

519
00:30:28.720 --> 00:30:30.480
for heaven.

520
00:30:30.480 --> 00:30:35.240
And I'm going to critique that list for you, to help you see if it's too long, not long

521
00:30:35.240 --> 00:30:36.560
enough, kind of thing.

522
00:30:36.560 --> 00:30:41.920
So first, I'm going to say, is there any questions based on what I shared so far?

523
00:30:41.920 --> 00:30:46.320
Hunter, what you got?

524
00:30:46.320 --> 00:30:53.080
Well, you said something about this, if you see a piece of them in that person, then that's

525
00:30:53.080 --> 00:30:54.080
their man.

526
00:30:54.080 --> 00:30:58.800
I wrote in the comments, gee, I don't know how to come with peace.

527
00:30:58.800 --> 00:31:02.640
Like sometimes I have conflicts in, but I don't bring it up because I don't want them

528
00:31:02.640 --> 00:31:04.240
to be in that problem.

529
00:31:04.240 --> 00:31:07.240
If this person makes me peaceful, or do I have to step up?

530
00:31:07.240 --> 00:31:08.240
Great.

531
00:31:08.240 --> 00:31:09.840
I'm sorry, so what's the question?

532
00:31:09.840 --> 00:31:11.480
You don't know what peace feels like?

533
00:31:11.480 --> 00:31:16.320
Yeah, I don't know how, if they don't see that piece in me, do I just write them off

534
00:31:16.320 --> 00:31:19.840
saying they're not my one?

535
00:31:19.840 --> 00:31:22.840
The piece has nothing to do with how they see you.

536
00:31:23.240 --> 00:31:27.200
I will say this, you need to make sure you feel peace.

537
00:31:27.200 --> 00:31:29.680
You're responsible to make sure you feel peace.

538
00:31:29.680 --> 00:31:35.360
If you don't feel peace and you've given it all your shot, then you need to step out.

539
00:31:35.360 --> 00:31:38.600
You don't know that they don't feel peace.

540
00:31:38.600 --> 00:31:42.840
And if they don't feel peace, I mean, it's a good conversation for you to have like,

541
00:31:42.840 --> 00:31:44.640
hey, well, you're not feeling peaceful.

542
00:31:44.640 --> 00:31:47.160
What do you think is about that?

543
00:31:47.160 --> 00:31:51.320
Because they might not feel peace because of 500 other things going on in their life.

544
00:31:51.320 --> 00:31:53.240
They may have just lost their job.

545
00:31:53.240 --> 00:31:56.040
They may have had a fight with their ex.

546
00:31:56.040 --> 00:31:57.960
They may have had a fight with their kids.

547
00:31:57.960 --> 00:32:00.860
One of their family members just got diagnosed with cancer.

548
00:32:00.860 --> 00:32:05.000
So we don't know what's causing somebody else's lack of peace.

549
00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:07.800
So you don't want to assume it's you.

550
00:32:07.800 --> 00:32:13.760
So when I brought that up, I'm really trying to give you a test for where you're at, because

551
00:32:13.760 --> 00:32:15.800
I can't counsel a person that's not here.

552
00:32:15.800 --> 00:32:20.840
So whoever it is that you might be dating, I can't help that person, but I can help you.

553
00:32:20.840 --> 00:32:22.360
I want to make sure you feel peace.

554
00:32:22.360 --> 00:32:27.200
Like, for example, I just I just think about what's good when I deliver, I just do stuff

555
00:32:27.200 --> 00:32:30.760
what's going on in my head and and I appear peaceful on the outside.

556
00:32:30.760 --> 00:32:34.640
But some things on the inside as well, but not spread.

557
00:32:34.640 --> 00:32:38.440
It can be a different story on the inside.

558
00:32:38.440 --> 00:32:40.120
Inside for them or inside for you?

559
00:32:40.120 --> 00:32:41.120
For me.

560
00:32:41.120 --> 00:32:45.880
Well, I mean, that's the thing, Hunter, like you've got to you've got to go to God if you

561
00:32:45.880 --> 00:32:49.200
have to go to the Holy Spirit and find out why you're not feeling peace.

562
00:32:49.200 --> 00:32:51.880
I mean, like I said, it could have nothing to do with the person you're dating.

563
00:32:51.880 --> 00:32:55.000
It could be something else going on in your life.

564
00:32:55.000 --> 00:32:58.680
So you kind of here's how you'll know it's about the person.

565
00:32:58.680 --> 00:33:03.360
Like I know as stressed as I would be about a lot of things and I can get I can get myself

566
00:33:03.360 --> 00:33:06.960
in a tizzy about a lot of things, sadly still.

567
00:33:06.960 --> 00:33:11.440
And I know whenever I talked to Brian, he calmed me.

568
00:33:11.440 --> 00:33:14.360
I felt less anxious in his presence.

569
00:33:14.360 --> 00:33:23.800
That's how I knew he wasn't the cause of my lack of peace, Marilyn.

570
00:33:23.800 --> 00:33:24.800
Oh, I'm sorry.

571
00:33:24.800 --> 00:33:27.400
Mark Marley, Marley.

572
00:33:27.400 --> 00:33:28.400
I'm so sorry.

573
00:33:28.400 --> 00:33:30.960
I don't know why I see my vision shot tonight, Marley.

574
00:33:30.960 --> 00:33:31.960
Hi.

575
00:33:31.960 --> 00:33:33.340
No problem.

576
00:33:33.340 --> 00:33:39.120
So I just want to go back to what you were saying, drop dropping the hanky without leaving.

577
00:33:39.120 --> 00:33:42.080
So I just want to hear your opinion on this.

578
00:33:42.080 --> 00:33:50.040
I went ahead and said, so we had a bit less than a week of texting and we had a first

579
00:33:50.040 --> 00:33:59.200
video date and I went ahead and said, shall we schedule another video date or a conversation

580
00:33:59.200 --> 00:34:00.200
in person?

581
00:34:00.200 --> 00:34:05.280
So was that leading or I will say it's OK.

582
00:34:05.280 --> 00:34:07.360
Did he say he wanted to see you again?

583
00:34:07.360 --> 00:34:08.360
Yes.

584
00:34:08.360 --> 00:34:09.719
OK, perfect.

585
00:34:09.719 --> 00:34:12.360
So I would say I wouldn't do it again.

586
00:34:12.360 --> 00:34:14.159
So you want him to pick up the pace.

587
00:34:14.159 --> 00:34:22.280
I think it's fine that you did it, but next time, see what he does with it.

588
00:34:22.280 --> 00:34:23.280
OK.

589
00:34:23.280 --> 00:34:24.280
Yeah.

590
00:34:24.280 --> 00:34:25.280
OK.

591
00:34:25.280 --> 00:34:27.080
But because I didn't really, I didn't really like the response.

592
00:34:27.080 --> 00:34:29.639
The response was sure, I didn't like it.

593
00:34:29.639 --> 00:34:31.280
So here's what I would do is sure.

594
00:34:31.280 --> 00:34:32.780
I would do nothing with that then.

595
00:34:32.780 --> 00:34:37.120
So you're done communicate with him until he initiates something else.

596
00:34:37.120 --> 00:34:38.120
OK, great.

597
00:34:38.120 --> 00:34:39.120
Thank you.

598
00:34:39.120 --> 00:34:42.040
And that's how you kind of put the ball back in his court.

599
00:34:42.040 --> 00:34:44.199
OK, thank you.

600
00:34:44.199 --> 00:34:45.199
You bet.

601
00:34:45.199 --> 00:34:46.199
Joanne.

602
00:34:46.199 --> 00:34:55.199
Yeah, my question is related to like, oh, wow, my screen is terribly blurry.

603
00:34:55.199 --> 00:34:59.520
Fail on the online dating video chats.

604
00:34:59.520 --> 00:35:00.040
So.

605
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:07.720
It was more about, you know, when you do like a video call or a phone call initially with

606
00:35:07.720 --> 00:35:16.600
somebody like online and you know, oftentimes I don't necessarily enjoy, I mean being honest,

607
00:35:16.600 --> 00:35:21.400
I don't necessarily enjoy my conversation right off the bat with them, but I've learned

608
00:35:21.400 --> 00:35:27.000
that sometimes it takes a few meetings before you really get to know the person.

609
00:35:27.000 --> 00:35:28.000
Yeah.

610
00:35:28.000 --> 00:35:31.120
What are some things that you suggest?

611
00:35:31.120 --> 00:35:34.440
And one of the reasons, cause it's just like conversational chemistry.

612
00:35:34.440 --> 00:35:39.680
I know guys tend to, can kind of lead the conversation a lot and they want, I think

613
00:35:39.680 --> 00:35:42.520
they want me to feel comfortable or maybe something like that.

614
00:35:42.520 --> 00:35:48.000
So they just keep filling up the space and sharing a lot, but it starts making me feel

615
00:35:48.000 --> 00:35:51.140
really like small and like, yeah.

616
00:35:51.140 --> 00:35:56.680
So usually what I try to do, if it seems like they don't know how to do it well, I have

617
00:35:56.680 --> 00:35:59.600
a few questions ready that I think are fun.

618
00:35:59.600 --> 00:36:03.480
If you guys remember, go back and watch a lot of the single spotlights I've done in

619
00:36:03.480 --> 00:36:04.560
the last six months.

620
00:36:04.560 --> 00:36:07.360
I ask a lot of really fun questions.

621
00:36:07.360 --> 00:36:10.280
I would have those in your back pocket ready to go.

622
00:36:10.280 --> 00:36:14.120
And the next time you do a call, you can, this might sound like leading, but you can

623
00:36:14.120 --> 00:36:18.920
say like, Hey, I know sometimes that video calls can get really like, they can feel like

624
00:36:18.920 --> 00:36:23.320
we're just giving each other a resume or somebody does all the talking.

625
00:36:23.320 --> 00:36:26.280
You know, I have a bunch of really fun, silly questions.

626
00:36:26.280 --> 00:36:28.840
If you're open to it, I would love to throw them out.

627
00:36:28.840 --> 00:36:29.840
You answer it.

628
00:36:29.840 --> 00:36:30.840
Then I'll answer it.

629
00:36:30.840 --> 00:36:31.840
Then you answer it.

630
00:36:31.840 --> 00:36:32.840
Then I'll answer it.

631
00:36:32.840 --> 00:36:36.600
And you just, I'll just, if you don't mind, I can leave with that for the first 15 minutes.

632
00:36:36.600 --> 00:36:40.260
And then you can take the, you know, the rest of the conversation where you want it to go.

633
00:36:40.260 --> 00:36:48.340
So this way you kind of set the tone of how to ping pong cute, fun answers back and forth.

634
00:36:48.340 --> 00:36:50.960
So that might be a way for you to try to do that.

635
00:36:50.960 --> 00:36:55.480
Just to say, you know, like, Hey, I want to make sure we both get a chance to talk.

636
00:36:55.680 --> 00:36:57.840
You know, let's just keep it fun, silly questions.

637
00:36:57.840 --> 00:37:01.600
So I would say have those questions right in your back pocket and be willing to say

638
00:37:01.600 --> 00:37:05.280
like, Hey, I've just, you know, I've just learned, especially in the video call, I know

639
00:37:05.280 --> 00:37:06.720
it could be really awkward.

640
00:37:06.720 --> 00:37:11.080
It really works if we keep our answers kind of simple for this call and just ask some

641
00:37:11.080 --> 00:37:12.440
kind of fun questions.

642
00:37:12.440 --> 00:37:14.420
We can just kind of go back and forth.

643
00:37:14.420 --> 00:37:18.120
If we want to get together, you know, in person after this, I'm sure there's plenty of time

644
00:37:18.120 --> 00:37:21.080
for us to, you know, go deeper with questions.

645
00:37:21.080 --> 00:37:22.680
That would be my suggestion.

646
00:37:22.680 --> 00:37:28.760
I will say I have found that the guys that were more guys I wanted to date those video

647
00:37:28.760 --> 00:37:30.760
calls usually go better.

648
00:37:30.760 --> 00:37:35.440
Like I've not had anybody suck at a video date that turned into a great first date.

649
00:37:35.440 --> 00:37:37.620
Not me, but that can happen.

650
00:37:37.620 --> 00:37:40.360
Some people might hate video dates.

651
00:37:40.360 --> 00:37:46.120
I do kind of think if you have good chemistry, so to speak, I think that you can get through

652
00:37:46.120 --> 00:37:47.900
even an awkward thing.

653
00:37:47.900 --> 00:37:50.760
Is it happening all the time for you?

654
00:37:50.840 --> 00:37:58.920
Um, it happens quite often, but I noticed that like, um, I'll, I'll give grace and I'll

655
00:37:58.920 --> 00:37:59.920
give it some time.

656
00:37:59.920 --> 00:38:03.760
And after I give it some time, the guy's actually better.

657
00:38:03.760 --> 00:38:09.360
So I'm like, uh, and I sometimes do share like, Oh, I would really appreciate asking

658
00:38:09.360 --> 00:38:10.360
me questions.

659
00:38:10.360 --> 00:38:12.800
Is there anything you want to know?

660
00:38:12.800 --> 00:38:14.840
And they do shift.

661
00:38:14.840 --> 00:38:19.880
So that's why sometimes I kind of I'm conflicted whether I should say something like that

662
00:38:19.880 --> 00:38:21.760
because I want them to be in them true self.

663
00:38:21.760 --> 00:38:27.120
I don't want to like make them a certain person, but yeah, I think that's why I'm like, do

664
00:38:27.120 --> 00:38:32.600
to what to, to where would it be where I'm like, Oh, this keeps happening and I, I, yeah.

665
00:38:32.600 --> 00:38:38.320
So I'm going to, so, um, and I can tell you this and you guys, I can tell just by how

666
00:38:38.320 --> 00:38:44.540
you guys show up on camera with me, like sometimes, um, just by your smile or your look or your

667
00:38:44.540 --> 00:38:46.960
tone and inflection.

668
00:38:46.960 --> 00:38:51.600
Sometimes you come off with a lot of fun energy and sometimes you come off reserved and you

669
00:38:51.600 --> 00:38:52.600
probably don't mean to.

670
00:38:52.600 --> 00:38:58.560
So Joanne, if you don't mind me saying you are beautiful, but you kind of in presenting

671
00:38:58.560 --> 00:39:05.600
for me a calmer, like more internal energy seat, look at that's the first time you smiled

672
00:39:05.600 --> 00:39:06.600
at me.

673
00:39:06.600 --> 00:39:08.560
I don't like being on video with all these.

674
00:39:08.560 --> 00:39:09.560
Okay.

675
00:39:09.560 --> 00:39:10.560
So do you notice that though?

676
00:39:10.560 --> 00:39:14.360
Do you guys notice how the room changed the minute she smiled?

677
00:39:14.360 --> 00:39:15.420
Okay.

678
00:39:15.420 --> 00:39:19.620
So you started the call with me super serious.

679
00:39:19.620 --> 00:39:25.500
So the energy I felt like I needed to do to match that was be serious with you.

680
00:39:25.500 --> 00:39:31.020
But as soon as you laughed and smiled, I wanted to laugh and smile with you.

681
00:39:31.020 --> 00:39:36.900
So that you guys, and some of you do that, like you come in with like energy and I'm

682
00:39:36.900 --> 00:39:41.340
like, and like, I just want to like get a blanket and come on down.

683
00:39:41.340 --> 00:39:43.980
So that smile you got girl.

684
00:39:43.980 --> 00:39:48.340
That's why you needed to start with the fun, silly questions, because I want to make sure

685
00:39:48.340 --> 00:39:53.460
you find a way to laugh in the first minute and a half that you're on that video call.

686
00:39:53.460 --> 00:39:58.620
And I promise you, it will change the energy on those phone calls, those video calls.

687
00:39:58.620 --> 00:39:59.860
I promise you it will.

688
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:01.600
How many agree with me, right?

689
00:40:01.600 --> 00:40:04.640
Is she not a completely, everyone's nodding their head.

690
00:40:04.640 --> 00:40:06.360
You look so fun right now.

691
00:40:06.360 --> 00:40:09.400
Okay, can I share something like a follow up?

692
00:40:09.400 --> 00:40:12.320
Because I mean, I've gone on a phone

693
00:40:12.320 --> 00:40:16.440
and then I'm like totally like this, my natural bubbly self.

694
00:40:16.440 --> 00:40:18.440
And then I got on like a video

695
00:40:18.440 --> 00:40:20.880
and it's not what I thought it'd be.

696
00:40:20.880 --> 00:40:23.040
You know, maybe I don't feel the same attraction

697
00:40:23.040 --> 00:40:24.920
and then like the energy shifts.

698
00:40:24.920 --> 00:40:26.400
So what do you feel about that?

699
00:40:26.400 --> 00:40:27.560
So that's the thing.

700
00:40:27.560 --> 00:40:29.560
I want you guys to practice

701
00:40:29.560 --> 00:40:32.560
bringing the energy no matter what they look like.

702
00:40:32.560 --> 00:40:35.640
You like, would you not guess that I am the same person

703
00:40:35.640 --> 00:40:38.680
no matter who shows up on a video call, right?

704
00:40:38.680 --> 00:40:40.920
Like enough of you have been on enough videos with me.

705
00:40:40.920 --> 00:40:43.120
You know, I bring like kind of like the same energy

706
00:40:43.120 --> 00:40:44.640
whether y'all are duds or not.

707
00:40:44.640 --> 00:40:48.640
I mean, and so you can bring the energy girls.

708
00:40:48.640 --> 00:40:51.880
See, now that I've seen it, I know it's in you.

709
00:40:51.880 --> 00:40:53.600
And so that's why you're gonna be like,

710
00:40:53.600 --> 00:40:56.280
and you're gonna start off, you're gonna be like, okay.

711
00:40:56.280 --> 00:40:59.800
I know that, and you can even goof on yourself.

712
00:40:59.800 --> 00:41:04.760
Like, okay, I know, I love to be super fun in person

713
00:41:04.760 --> 00:41:06.040
but I don't know what happens to me

714
00:41:06.040 --> 00:41:08.120
on these first video calls.

715
00:41:08.120 --> 00:41:09.900
I know I can seem too business-like.

716
00:41:09.900 --> 00:41:13.040
So I have like a three opening, you know

717
00:41:13.040 --> 00:41:15.000
icebreaker questions that are silly.

718
00:41:15.000 --> 00:41:17.800
Do you mind if we just start with those?

719
00:41:17.800 --> 00:41:20.880
Like A, it's a little self-deprecating.

720
00:41:20.880 --> 00:41:22.720
You're being self-aware

721
00:41:22.720 --> 00:41:24.900
and you're kind of owning something about yourself.

722
00:41:24.900 --> 00:41:27.020
And so it's gonna like, it's gonna relax them.

723
00:41:27.020 --> 00:41:28.380
They're gonna be like, oh my gosh,

724
00:41:28.380 --> 00:41:31.380
she totally realizes that she's uncomfortable with this too.

725
00:41:31.380 --> 00:41:33.500
And it's okay to be uncomfortable.

726
00:41:33.500 --> 00:41:35.460
And she's realizing she wants to ask

727
00:41:35.460 --> 00:41:37.660
a few icebreaker questions.

728
00:41:37.660 --> 00:41:39.780
So that's gonna be my challenge to you

729
00:41:39.780 --> 00:41:42.300
is start throwing it and just say it right up front

730
00:41:42.300 --> 00:41:43.660
but you say it with confidence.

731
00:41:43.660 --> 00:41:44.760
Like, you know what?

732
00:41:44.760 --> 00:41:46.820
I am such a fun person in real life

733
00:41:46.820 --> 00:41:48.300
but I realized that, you know,

734
00:41:48.300 --> 00:41:49.940
but when I show up on videos

735
00:41:49.940 --> 00:41:51.340
I just don't know how to be that person.

736
00:41:51.340 --> 00:41:54.020
So I've got like three silly icebreaker questions.

737
00:41:54.020 --> 00:41:56.220
Do you mind if we start out with that?

738
00:41:56.220 --> 00:41:59.100
They will probably relax and laugh with you.

739
00:41:59.100 --> 00:42:01.660
And then you're both gonna relax.

740
00:42:01.660 --> 00:42:03.540
You're gonna ask a few silly questions

741
00:42:03.540 --> 00:42:05.860
and they still might not be your person, Joy.

742
00:42:05.860 --> 00:42:07.140
They still might not be.

743
00:42:07.140 --> 00:42:08.460
And you still might wanna get off the call

744
00:42:08.460 --> 00:42:09.820
in 20 minutes flat

745
00:42:09.820 --> 00:42:13.340
but you will practice showing up a little

746
00:42:13.340 --> 00:42:15.100
with a different posture.

747
00:42:15.100 --> 00:42:15.940
Okay.

748
00:42:15.940 --> 00:42:17.760
And I will say that you guys,

749
00:42:17.760 --> 00:42:19.500
if you ask me questions tonight

750
00:42:19.500 --> 00:42:21.220
I'm gonna take a look at what you're wearing.

751
00:42:21.220 --> 00:42:23.360
I'm gonna take a look at your background

752
00:42:23.360 --> 00:42:25.000
and I'm gonna be honest.

753
00:42:25.000 --> 00:42:25.840
Like I was with Joanne,

754
00:42:25.840 --> 00:42:27.280
you were so brave to let me do that.

755
00:42:27.280 --> 00:42:28.120
Thank you.

756
00:42:28.120 --> 00:42:28.940
You were the first person

757
00:42:28.940 --> 00:42:30.320
that I actually had the guts to do that with.

758
00:42:30.320 --> 00:42:33.040
Cause sometimes I wanted to tell some of you like, okay

759
00:42:33.040 --> 00:42:35.000
you got like resting bitch face on right now.

760
00:42:35.000 --> 00:42:38.040
And that's why you're not getting a second video date.

761
00:42:38.040 --> 00:42:39.600
I didn't have the guts to say it

762
00:42:39.600 --> 00:42:42.000
but yours was, I just needed you to smile.

763
00:42:42.000 --> 00:42:43.400
I love to smile and laugh.

764
00:42:43.400 --> 00:42:44.240
Actually, it's what I like.

765
00:42:44.240 --> 00:42:45.060
See, and no, I'm-

766
00:42:45.060 --> 00:42:47.240
I remember being on here with like 80 people

767
00:42:47.240 --> 00:42:49.040
and then my camera was smudged

768
00:42:49.040 --> 00:42:51.120
and I realized, oh my gosh, my background's crazy.

769
00:42:51.120 --> 00:42:51.960
I wasn't prepared for this.

770
00:42:52.520 --> 00:42:54.200
It made you so endearing to me.

771
00:42:54.200 --> 00:42:55.900
And actually I think your background's perfect.

772
00:42:55.900 --> 00:42:58.460
I think, I think you have enough light on your face.

773
00:42:58.460 --> 00:43:00.980
The blue on your top, perfection.

774
00:43:00.980 --> 00:43:02.680
Your hair looks adorable.

775
00:43:02.680 --> 00:43:04.600
I mean, I wouldn't change anything else.

776
00:43:04.600 --> 00:43:07.000
Just find something silly to make yourself laugh

777
00:43:07.000 --> 00:43:07.840
and right in the beginning.

778
00:43:07.840 --> 00:43:09.560
And that's gonna just change the atmosphere

779
00:43:09.560 --> 00:43:10.920
in your conversations.

780
00:43:10.920 --> 00:43:12.060
Okay, thank you.

781
00:43:12.060 --> 00:43:12.900
You bet.

782
00:43:12.900 --> 00:43:14.640
All right, now that you know I'm gonna do that

783
00:43:14.640 --> 00:43:17.320
who wants to go next?

784
00:43:17.560 --> 00:43:22.560
Okay, so now we're at the quarter of Mark

785
00:43:23.880 --> 00:43:28.320
and it's time for you to share your lists with me.

786
00:43:28.320 --> 00:43:32.120
Your non-negotiables from heaven and your preferred.

787
00:43:32.120 --> 00:43:34.040
And I'm gonna do them.

788
00:43:34.040 --> 00:43:35.400
Janie, what you got?

789
00:43:40.160 --> 00:43:41.220
Janie Harris.

790
00:43:41.220 --> 00:43:42.120
Hello.

791
00:43:42.120 --> 00:43:43.040
Hey.

792
00:43:43.040 --> 00:43:45.140
Okay, my non-negotiables from heaven.

793
00:43:45.980 --> 00:43:48.940
By the way, first let me say you, you look beautiful.

794
00:43:48.940 --> 00:43:50.220
Thank you.

795
00:43:50.220 --> 00:43:51.340
And you're smiling.

796
00:43:51.340 --> 00:43:53.220
So I already wanna engage with you.

797
00:43:53.220 --> 00:43:54.060
Good job.

798
00:43:54.060 --> 00:43:54.900
Thank you.

799
00:43:54.900 --> 00:43:56.500
Thank you.

800
00:43:56.500 --> 00:44:00.340
So my non-negotiable, someone who's actively using drugs

801
00:44:02.020 --> 00:44:04.300
or over and over with alcohol.

802
00:44:04.300 --> 00:44:06.660
Okay, so let's say those from a positive.

803
00:44:08.340 --> 00:44:10.640
So your non-negotiable would be,

804
00:44:10.640 --> 00:44:13.980
I want someone who is clean from addiction.

805
00:44:13.980 --> 00:44:14.820
Okay.

806
00:44:15.460 --> 00:44:17.340
So let's put it into the universe on the positive.

807
00:44:17.340 --> 00:44:18.180
Okay.

808
00:44:18.180 --> 00:44:19.000
Okay.

809
00:44:19.000 --> 00:44:21.540
I want someone who is clean from addiction,

810
00:44:21.540 --> 00:44:26.100
drug addiction and someone who is not heavily indulging

811
00:44:26.100 --> 00:44:27.080
in alcohol.

812
00:44:30.220 --> 00:44:35.220
This one I think, I don't know how to think about this one.

813
00:44:36.460 --> 00:44:39.780
Okay, so I come from a Baptist background

814
00:44:39.780 --> 00:44:44.780
and the church is like, I don't wanna help.

815
00:44:45.020 --> 00:44:47.140
I don't wanna offend anybody, but church of God and Christ

816
00:44:47.140 --> 00:44:50.220
and those other churches, those denominations

817
00:44:50.220 --> 00:44:54.060
are not the style of church that I would care to.

818
00:44:54.060 --> 00:44:56.100
Is it the worship style

819
00:44:56.100 --> 00:44:58.060
or is it what they believe doctrinally?

820
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:08.560
It's both. Okay. So here's what I want you to think about. I want you to spin your non-negotiable

821
00:45:08.560 --> 00:45:15.200
list in what you're looking for that is non-negotiable. I need somebody who believes

822
00:45:15.200 --> 00:45:24.320
in equal authority of the Trinity. I need to be with somebody who doesn't mind speaking in tongues.

823
00:45:24.320 --> 00:45:32.080
I need to be with somebody who believes in a water baptism. Whatever it is that you need,

824
00:45:33.200 --> 00:45:37.680
I think there's something about saying, I don't want this, I don't want this, I don't want this.

825
00:45:37.680 --> 00:45:43.440
That is a different connotation than I need, I want this, I want this. So for you,

826
00:45:44.560 --> 00:45:49.600
the doctrine thing is a real thing, you guys. So if you guys believe differently about the

827
00:45:49.600 --> 00:45:56.480
Holy Spirit, if you believe differently about that, and that's, I mean, I can understand that.

828
00:45:57.600 --> 00:46:02.400
Now, so I understand that. And so I think that's a fair, I think that's a fair thing,

829
00:46:02.400 --> 00:46:09.520
especially if that's like not something you're willing to negotiate. So what is it about the

830
00:46:09.520 --> 00:46:17.200
worship style? Because as you said, doctrine, and what was the other one? Like what's your concern?

831
00:46:17.280 --> 00:46:24.160
Worship style and then belief. So from my background, I know that like a church of God in

832
00:46:24.160 --> 00:46:29.040
Christ, the women have to cover their head and they wear long dresses everywhere. And that's not

833
00:46:29.040 --> 00:46:35.440
my style, right? And so I know that the men, because I bet I have a lot of-

834
00:46:35.440 --> 00:46:41.840
See, I would actually say that that's more than a style. You might not call it a doctrinal belief,

835
00:46:42.400 --> 00:46:51.440
but it kind of is. You know what I'm saying? It's a take on scripture. So you might be like,

836
00:46:51.440 --> 00:46:56.960
hey, I'm an egalitarian, not a complementarian. I think that's a fair, and for those of you that

837
00:46:56.960 --> 00:47:01.840
don't know, an egalitarian believes in equal role and ability for men and women. I'm sorry,

838
00:47:01.840 --> 00:47:07.280
I met a seminary conference this week. Thank you for breaking it down because I didn't know. I was

839
00:47:07.280 --> 00:47:12.320
writing that down like, whoa. So egalitarian means that we believe that we are equally gifted

840
00:47:12.320 --> 00:47:17.120
and that whatever your gifting is, that you should be able to serve in the church based on your gift

841
00:47:17.120 --> 00:47:23.120
and not your gender. A complementarian believes that there are certain gifts for men, certain

842
00:47:23.120 --> 00:47:28.320
gifts for women, and certain roles for men and certain roles for women. And here's the thing,

843
00:47:28.320 --> 00:47:33.040
we're not going to debate that here, you guys. I go to a seminary that actually I have professors

844
00:47:33.040 --> 00:47:39.680
that are on a continuum of that belief. So it really has to do with how you exegete certain

845
00:47:39.680 --> 00:47:45.360
scripture, especially scripture that Paul said. And so it's like, that's not something that is

846
00:47:45.360 --> 00:47:49.520
going to be a salvation issue, but it might be a preference issue. Like now that I've been

847
00:47:49.520 --> 00:47:58.000
in seminary, I'm not going to attend a church that wouldn't allow me in leadership. And so I

848
00:47:58.000 --> 00:48:01.440
wouldn't want to marry somebody who wasn't supportive of me being in some kind of leadership

849
00:48:01.440 --> 00:48:07.120
position. So, so far what you're asking for is totally appropriate. I just want you to spin it

850
00:48:07.120 --> 00:48:13.440
in the positive so you actually draw that to you and not the negative. Okay. Anything else on that

851
00:48:13.440 --> 00:48:22.720
list? Yes. I'm highly allergic to animals. Okay. That's fair. That's fair. That's fair.

852
00:48:23.840 --> 00:48:28.000
And then the last one was, I kind of like the match energy. If I see someone that's,

853
00:48:28.000 --> 00:48:32.400
I know I like to dress business casual. If I see someone in all their photos

854
00:48:32.400 --> 00:48:38.960
and they're flashy and everything is a designer, you know, and they wearing all designer clothes

855
00:48:38.960 --> 00:48:43.840
or designer shoes and designer belt, I'm like, that's a bit much for me. It might be. Don't

856
00:48:43.840 --> 00:48:48.400
assume that though from their photos, that that's how they are in everyday life. They may be trying

857
00:48:48.400 --> 00:48:52.640
really hard to impress you. Like, all right, I need to make sure that my dating profile

858
00:48:53.280 --> 00:48:58.800
like stands out. And so I did a photo shoot with my friend and, or I put on my best outfits

859
00:48:58.800 --> 00:49:03.040
and they might think that's, what's winning you over. So I would say, don't assume just by their

860
00:49:03.040 --> 00:49:08.880
profile photo that that's true. You would figure that out by the first date. Cause I will say

861
00:49:08.880 --> 00:49:14.800
somebody who's flashy like that, it comes out in their speech and you will, you will tap into that

862
00:49:14.800 --> 00:49:21.360
super fast. So I would say, cause what you're really looking at, it's not the clothing. It's

863
00:49:21.360 --> 00:49:26.800
the attitude that goes with it. Like when I think about that flashy person, they are somebody who's

864
00:49:26.800 --> 00:49:32.080
always trying to be better than, compete with people. They think what looks, what's on the

865
00:49:32.080 --> 00:49:37.360
outside matters more than what's on the inside. So that starts to become more of a character

866
00:49:37.360 --> 00:49:42.000
nod than just a physical presence. So I would say, don't assume by the pictures,

867
00:49:42.000 --> 00:49:45.840
but if you've gone on three or four dates and it's only always expensive restaurants,

868
00:49:45.840 --> 00:49:50.480
it's always those kinds of outfits. It's going to eke out of them in every, in every manner of

869
00:49:50.480 --> 00:49:58.160
speech, they can't help themselves. So give it a chance best past pictures, but pay attention to

870
00:49:58.160 --> 00:49:59.840
that because what you're really looking.

871
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.860
for his authenticity, and that's an okay non-negotiable.

872
00:50:06.080 --> 00:50:06.920
All right.

873
00:50:06.920 --> 00:50:07.760
Okay, that's it.

874
00:50:07.760 --> 00:50:08.580
Good stuff, you guys.

875
00:50:08.580 --> 00:50:13.580
Okay, Denise, you have to get off the mute, girl.

876
00:50:15.100 --> 00:50:15.940
I got it.

877
00:50:15.940 --> 00:50:16.760
There were people before me.

878
00:50:16.760 --> 00:50:19.280
I got frazzled.

879
00:50:19.280 --> 00:50:20.440
Well, you know what?

880
00:50:20.440 --> 00:50:23.760
Marlee already went and Hunter's already gone.

881
00:50:23.760 --> 00:50:26.040
So I will call on them again,

882
00:50:26.040 --> 00:50:27.840
but I'm trying to give everybody a chance tonight.

883
00:50:27.840 --> 00:50:30.200
I want to make sure I tap on different people.

884
00:50:30.200 --> 00:50:31.040
Gotcha.

885
00:50:31.040 --> 00:50:31.860
I'm ready now.

886
00:50:31.860 --> 00:50:32.880
Okay.

887
00:50:32.880 --> 00:50:34.640
So I have for my non-negotiables.

888
00:50:34.640 --> 00:50:35.880
Leave your, I'm sorry.

889
00:50:35.880 --> 00:50:39.080
I just got, Karen, leave the crown at home.

890
00:50:39.080 --> 00:50:42.520
Y'all, one of my board members was literally Miss America.

891
00:50:42.520 --> 00:50:44.200
I mean, I swear to God, I put that crown,

892
00:50:44.200 --> 00:50:45.120
she had it in her house.

893
00:50:45.120 --> 00:50:47.120
She had a whole shrine room in her house,

894
00:50:47.120 --> 00:50:48.800
which I was not surprised.

895
00:50:50.040 --> 00:50:52.360
And that crown is freaking heavy.

896
00:50:52.360 --> 00:50:53.760
I'm not gonna lie.

897
00:50:53.760 --> 00:50:55.960
It's like kind of heavy, but I digress.

898
00:50:55.960 --> 00:50:57.160
All right, Denise, we're back to you.

899
00:50:57.480 --> 00:50:58.320
Where'd you go?

900
00:50:58.320 --> 00:50:59.160
I lost you.

901
00:50:59.160 --> 00:51:00.200
Okay, there you are.

902
00:51:00.200 --> 00:51:01.040
That's okay.

903
00:51:01.040 --> 00:51:02.720
They lowered my hand, so it's all right.

904
00:51:03.680 --> 00:51:06.160
So for my non-negotiables,

905
00:51:06.160 --> 00:51:10.000
God has to be the Lord of their life, not just like saved.

906
00:51:10.000 --> 00:51:11.120
Okay, stop.

907
00:51:11.120 --> 00:51:13.400
What does that mean to you?

908
00:51:13.400 --> 00:51:17.280
That means complete surrender to what the Lord tells them

909
00:51:17.280 --> 00:51:18.760
that he wants to do with their life.

910
00:51:18.760 --> 00:51:21.440
Okay, and how would that show up in the first two weeks

911
00:51:21.440 --> 00:51:22.840
of you getting to know them?

912
00:51:24.400 --> 00:51:25.560
That would show up as in,

913
00:51:25.600 --> 00:51:29.080
I believe in God and I've asked him into my heart.

914
00:51:29.080 --> 00:51:30.920
So in the two, in the first two weeks,

915
00:51:30.920 --> 00:51:31.760
you're not gonna get that.

916
00:51:31.760 --> 00:51:33.240
Okay, so what if in the first week

917
00:51:33.240 --> 00:51:34.720
of you getting to know somebody,

918
00:51:34.720 --> 00:51:37.480
they don't give you that answer right away?

919
00:51:37.480 --> 00:51:38.320
Because they're not used to it.

920
00:51:38.320 --> 00:51:39.720
If they don't bring it up,

921
00:51:39.720 --> 00:51:42.520
I would go until I got that answer.

922
00:51:42.520 --> 00:51:43.680
In the first week?

923
00:51:45.120 --> 00:51:45.960
No, no, no.

924
00:51:45.960 --> 00:51:47.600
I wouldn't press it until I got the answer.

925
00:51:47.600 --> 00:51:50.680
I would continue dating them until I got the answer.

926
00:51:50.680 --> 00:51:51.520
Okay.

927
00:51:51.520 --> 00:51:52.360
Yeah, I don't press anything.

928
00:51:52.360 --> 00:51:54.640
Because that's a, guys,

929
00:51:54.640 --> 00:51:57.280
making sure that somebody is Lord of your life,

930
00:51:57.280 --> 00:51:59.640
you actually have to see their life to know that.

931
00:51:59.640 --> 00:52:03.040
Like, because if you talk to them in the first two weeks,

932
00:52:03.040 --> 00:52:04.840
they can tell you all they want.

933
00:52:04.840 --> 00:52:09.000
So that's a good deal breaker, Lord over their life,

934
00:52:09.000 --> 00:52:10.880
but you're gonna have to see them for a few weeks

935
00:52:10.880 --> 00:52:12.720
to actually see if that's true.

936
00:52:12.720 --> 00:52:14.760
And that's a, in my opinion,

937
00:52:14.760 --> 00:52:18.920
that's more of a C than a Tau, right?

938
00:52:18.920 --> 00:52:19.760
Yeah.

939
00:52:19.760 --> 00:52:20.600
Yeah.

940
00:52:20.600 --> 00:52:21.440
Yeah, okay.

941
00:52:21.440 --> 00:52:22.280
Yeah.

942
00:52:22.280 --> 00:52:24.240
And then another one for non-negotiable

943
00:52:24.760 --> 00:52:25.840
is growth mindset.

944
00:52:25.840 --> 00:52:26.680
Yeah.

945
00:52:26.680 --> 00:52:29.080
And then the other one is their integrity and character,

946
00:52:29.080 --> 00:52:32.080
as in he keeps his word and he does what he says.

947
00:52:32.080 --> 00:52:32.920
Yeah.

948
00:52:32.920 --> 00:52:35.560
And then, in the long run, be my best friend.

949
00:52:35.560 --> 00:52:37.560
For me, I just, I love a relationship

950
00:52:37.560 --> 00:52:38.560
that they're a best friend.

951
00:52:38.560 --> 00:52:40.800
Those are all great non-negotiables.

952
00:52:40.800 --> 00:52:43.680
Those are all ones that would take almost

953
00:52:43.680 --> 00:52:46.040
at least a month for you to uncover.

954
00:52:47.280 --> 00:52:48.120
And that's what I do.

955
00:52:48.120 --> 00:52:50.160
Honestly, I've dated two or three guys

956
00:52:50.160 --> 00:52:52.520
for at least six or seven weeks.

957
00:52:52.520 --> 00:52:53.360
Okay.

958
00:52:53.520 --> 00:52:56.800
I get those answers and or they're not it

959
00:52:56.800 --> 00:53:00.120
and I cut it off earlier or we just organically separate.

960
00:53:00.120 --> 00:53:00.960
Perfect.

961
00:53:00.960 --> 00:53:02.240
Okay, so tell me something.

962
00:53:02.240 --> 00:53:04.000
Is there anybody that you've dated

963
00:53:04.000 --> 00:53:07.720
that had a good relationship with their faith

964
00:53:08.720 --> 00:53:13.000
but they still, like, what would be a sign for you?

965
00:53:13.000 --> 00:53:15.720
How would you notice if somebody had a faith in God

966
00:53:15.720 --> 00:53:16.840
but not Lord of their life?

967
00:53:16.840 --> 00:53:17.800
How would you know?

968
00:53:17.800 --> 00:53:20.000
How would you see that play out?

969
00:53:20.000 --> 00:53:23.200
Some types of way I look for it is in their conversation.

970
00:53:24.040 --> 00:53:26.600
So how they speak about God is one major thing.

971
00:53:26.600 --> 00:53:29.040
And then if they're like,

972
00:53:29.040 --> 00:53:32.600
well, I believe in God and I love God and I go to church

973
00:53:32.600 --> 00:53:36.800
but I'll have sex before marriage or I don't tithe

974
00:53:36.800 --> 00:53:40.920
or those are big red flags that go against

975
00:53:40.920 --> 00:53:43.400
him being Lord of your life, in my opinion.

976
00:53:43.400 --> 00:53:45.800
So those are kind of flags of way I can tell.

977
00:53:45.800 --> 00:53:46.640
Yeah.

978
00:53:47.800 --> 00:53:50.520
There are plenty of people, be careful on that

979
00:53:50.520 --> 00:53:52.160
because there are plenty of people

980
00:53:52.160 --> 00:53:55.520
who feel like the Lord is over them

981
00:53:55.520 --> 00:53:57.240
but they're not tithing 10%.

982
00:53:57.240 --> 00:54:00.000
Tithing is a really tricky one.

983
00:54:00.000 --> 00:54:02.280
People are in different financial positions.

984
00:54:02.280 --> 00:54:03.960
People have been taught different things.

985
00:54:03.960 --> 00:54:06.120
People might have church hurt about tithing.

986
00:54:06.120 --> 00:54:09.760
They may have seen churches misuse funding.

987
00:54:09.760 --> 00:54:13.080
And so what you're looking for is generosity.

988
00:54:13.080 --> 00:54:15.520
And so you wanna see if they have a generous spirit.

989
00:54:15.520 --> 00:54:18.640
So they may not tithe 10% to a church

990
00:54:18.640 --> 00:54:21.880
but they like are the most generous human being

991
00:54:22.600 --> 00:54:24.280
and you might need to be the one to help them grow

992
00:54:24.280 --> 00:54:27.640
in trusting a church to get that 10% to a church.

993
00:54:27.640 --> 00:54:30.120
So I'd be careful on that.

994
00:54:30.120 --> 00:54:34.400
The sex one also does not, I would not assume

995
00:54:34.400 --> 00:54:36.640
that just because they wanna have sex before marriage

996
00:54:36.640 --> 00:54:39.200
does not mean that they don't have Lord over their life.

997
00:54:39.200 --> 00:54:41.280
It also could be a stronghold.

998
00:54:41.280 --> 00:54:42.480
Brennan Manning, how many,

999
00:54:42.480 --> 00:54:44.200
Jackie just talked about Brennan Manning.

1000
00:54:44.200 --> 00:54:46.840
He's one of my heroes, life of the beloved.

1001
00:54:46.840 --> 00:54:48.280
Brennan Manning was an alcoholic.

1002
00:54:48.280 --> 00:54:50.200
And as far as I know, until the day he died,

1003
00:54:50.280 --> 00:54:54.800
he had good days and he even had some bad days still

1004
00:54:54.800 --> 00:54:56.560
with his alcohol addiction.

1005
00:54:56.560 --> 00:55:00.160
And so I would argue 1000% that Brennan Manning.

1006
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:05.380
Had the Lord over his life, but he did not have mastery over that addiction

1007
00:55:05.380 --> 00:55:11.820
And so I just wanted so I actually think that the no sex before marriage our church culture

1008
00:55:12.420 --> 00:55:18.020
Has really tolerated a lot of sex before marriage without saying it

1009
00:55:18.020 --> 00:55:21.800
We say a lot in a church about no homosexuality

1010
00:55:21.820 --> 00:55:28.860
But we don't say enough about sex outside of marriage, especially once people are over 32 years old, especially if they're divorced

1011
00:55:29.080 --> 00:55:34.900
I never hear a Sunday sermon about that. So what do you think about that? I'm a little confused

1012
00:55:35.100 --> 00:55:38.780
So I guess what I'm saying is I think that there are people

1013
00:55:39.460 --> 00:55:47.200
That have made the there are people for all of us. We make the Lord we make Jesus our Lord and Savior

1014
00:55:47.620 --> 00:55:50.520
But we are being transformed every day

1015
00:55:50.520 --> 00:55:54.600
So if you have an area of your past whether it was tithing whether it was sex

1016
00:55:54.900 --> 00:55:59.360
Whether it was eating too much food and gluttony whether it was spending too much money

1017
00:55:59.840 --> 00:56:03.060
Just because you've made the look God the Lord of your life

1018
00:56:03.320 --> 00:56:09.760
Doesn't mean those strongholds have completely gone out of your system. Some of us don't get healed immediately

1019
00:56:09.760 --> 00:56:12.520
Some of us it is going to be a growing thing

1020
00:56:12.520 --> 00:56:17.120
And so I don't think I don't I wouldn't want us to define

1021
00:56:17.520 --> 00:56:21.200
When you have the Lord over your life, you've nipped every stronghold

1022
00:56:22.000 --> 00:56:23.520
That's not what I mean

1023
00:56:23.520 --> 00:56:28.080
You know, that's not what I mean. Okay, so that's I'm not saying it just for you

1024
00:56:28.080 --> 00:56:34.080
But I'm saying it for the audience here because there are 90 people on this call and other people are gonna watch it and playback

1025
00:56:34.080 --> 00:56:36.080
I just want to make sure

1026
00:56:36.560 --> 00:56:43.120
Like I gave my heart I gave my heart to Jesus at 18 years old and I was on fire for the Lord

1027
00:56:43.120 --> 00:56:45.120
But I promise and I don't say this

1028
00:56:45.920 --> 00:56:47.040
proudly

1029
00:56:47.040 --> 00:56:50.200
But I continued to have sex outside of marriage for another decade

1030
00:56:50.200 --> 00:56:53.360
It took a bit for God to really convict me of that

1031
00:56:53.520 --> 00:56:59.320
Like that one didn't come immediately plenty of other things did come immediately that one did it

1032
00:56:59.440 --> 00:57:07.040
So but I'm glad you said it because I wanted to make sure all being clear here because the sex thing comes up a lot

1033
00:57:07.880 --> 00:57:13.560
You guys like it. You're not gonna always find somebody who says oh my gosh. I agree with you

1034
00:57:13.560 --> 00:57:17.960
I don't have sex before marriage. You might get somebody who goes. Oh, you know what? You're right

1035
00:57:18.280 --> 00:57:22.880
We shouldn't be having sex before we get married that needs to be a priority, right?

1036
00:57:22.880 --> 00:57:28.400
You know I'm saying like so they're not they they they're right in front of you. They're having that healthy conviction

1037
00:57:28.680 --> 00:57:30.200
Of course, but that's what I mean

1038
00:57:30.200 --> 00:57:35.520
They're like the two of the guys that I've dated they've said Denise you're right and I agree with you and I have to work

1039
00:57:35.520 --> 00:57:39.800
On that and I would never cut them off just because they're still working on something, right?

1040
00:57:39.800 --> 00:57:45.680
But as long as we agree that that's a sin, you know, if they're trying to justify it, that's what I know, right?

1041
00:57:45.680 --> 00:57:52.040
Sure. Okay. I'm your person. I'm at hundred percent. So then I'm glad we clarified that though. That was good. Great. Keep going

1042
00:57:52.520 --> 00:57:53.020
Okay

1043
00:57:53.020 --> 00:57:57.480
so then that's a part of my non-negotiable like I won't bend but then my nice-to-haves are like

1044
00:57:57.960 --> 00:58:01.600
Financially stable because I'm like 52 and I work really hard to get to where I'm at

1045
00:58:01.720 --> 00:58:07.360
And I don't want to bring somebody up again. I've done it before. I'm the one who sees the potential explain it to me

1046
00:58:07.360 --> 00:58:12.960
I think that's a fair one. Okay, never mind. I almost feel like to me. That's a that's a strong

1047
00:58:13.800 --> 00:58:15.800
preference for me

1048
00:58:16.200 --> 00:58:20.960
Especially the older you get I know Jackie gives the story about how David went through bankruptcy

1049
00:58:20.960 --> 00:58:25.680
They were in their mid-30s when they met that is very different than when you meet somebody who's 60

1050
00:58:25.680 --> 00:58:30.120
Who's only got like five good years left before retirement if they tell you they're in bankruptcy court

1051
00:58:30.120 --> 00:58:33.780
You don't have a lot of time to fix that. So I'm feeling your sister

1052
00:58:34.780 --> 00:58:42.260
And then the other two are like between five, you know, eleven and six to whatever how tall are you Denise?

1053
00:58:42.780 --> 00:58:44.780
Five five don't worry about it. It's

1054
00:58:45.700 --> 00:58:48.580
Five and you need your guy to be five eleven

1055
00:58:48.980 --> 00:58:54.620
Okay, save those men for the other women on this call that are already five nine and five ten

1056
00:58:55.180 --> 00:58:58.460
Okay, you are five five. He needs to be

1057
00:58:58.460 --> 00:59:04.020
There is a five strong personality, okay, I'm like mighty mighty mouse in a little five five five I

1058
00:59:04.820 --> 00:59:06.620
understand I

1059
00:59:06.620 --> 00:59:13.060
Understand but you do guys realize remember the national average is that men are five nine. That's it. I

1060
00:59:13.580 --> 00:59:18.340
Mean, I'm four eleven and you might think you're mighty but Denise

1061
00:59:18.340 --> 00:59:25.100
I'm a spitfire right and I'm only four eleven. My poor husband's like he said he's five nine. He's five eight at best

1062
00:59:25.260 --> 00:59:27.660
And I promise you he's strong enough for me

1063
00:59:28.380 --> 00:59:33.740
So that one I'm gonna be like girl if you dump a guy because of that what I'm gonna kick your butt

1064
00:59:33.740 --> 00:59:40.460
I'm just saying I was like if there's good chemistry, honestly, if he's five nine and we just click I wouldn't so okay

1065
00:59:41.020 --> 00:59:45.820
And then they all think it's my personal. Yeah, my personal preference is I just like darker

1066
00:59:45.820 --> 00:59:51.900
So I like dark skin dark eyes like dark features because I'm so light and you oh, I just attract

1067
00:59:51.900 --> 00:59:58.340
Like I'm attracted to what I'm not so that's just a preference that I feel like the

1068
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:04.520
Those are two, those last two, those are preferences.

1069
01:00:04.520 --> 01:00:06.320
The financial one, I would have been willing for you

1070
01:00:06.320 --> 01:00:08.440
to move that over to the non-negotiable.

1071
01:00:08.440 --> 01:00:10.640
Those two preferences are preferences,

1072
01:00:10.640 --> 01:00:13.440
but you're not gonna say no to the right guy.

1073
01:00:13.440 --> 01:00:15.480
You all know she's gonna get married

1074
01:00:15.480 --> 01:00:17.800
to a blonde five foot seven guy, right?

1075
01:00:17.800 --> 01:00:18.960
We all know this is gonna happen.

1076
01:00:18.960 --> 01:00:20.120
I'll take bets.

1077
01:00:20.120 --> 01:00:21.520
I will take bets.

1078
01:00:21.520 --> 01:00:22.640
Okay.

1079
01:00:22.640 --> 01:00:23.600
That's fine.

1080
01:00:23.600 --> 01:00:24.640
That's it?

1081
01:00:24.640 --> 01:00:25.640
Yeah.

1082
01:00:25.640 --> 01:00:26.800
Okay, good job, girl.

1083
01:00:26.800 --> 01:00:28.760
Thank you for letting me do that with you.

1084
01:00:28.760 --> 01:00:29.600
Of course.

1085
01:00:30.600 --> 01:00:31.800
Okay, nobody else.

1086
01:00:31.800 --> 01:00:33.360
You guys, come on.

1087
01:00:33.360 --> 01:00:35.840
Marley, I'm gonna let you go then.

1088
01:00:35.840 --> 01:00:37.720
You got your list?

1089
01:00:37.720 --> 01:00:41.840
Yes, but in fact, I didn't raise my hand,

1090
01:00:41.840 --> 01:00:44.600
my virtual hand quickly enough.

1091
01:00:44.600 --> 01:00:49.280
What I first wanted to do was to ask you for your feedback

1092
01:00:49.280 --> 01:00:52.560
on my background and how I present.

1093
01:00:52.560 --> 01:00:53.560
That was the first thing.

1094
01:00:53.560 --> 01:00:54.400
Oh, okay.

1095
01:00:54.400 --> 01:00:55.240
Well, we'll tell you.

1096
01:00:55.240 --> 01:00:57.760
Okay, so is your background blurred right now?

1097
01:00:57.760 --> 01:00:58.640
Yes, it is.

1098
01:00:58.640 --> 01:01:01.880
Okay, you guys, I actually, this is a Rene Rizzo thing.

1099
01:01:01.880 --> 01:01:02.840
Rene Rizzo Divorce.

1100
01:01:02.840 --> 01:01:04.160
I gotta get used to saying my last name.

1101
01:01:04.160 --> 01:01:07.160
It's been six months, I still can't do it.

1102
01:01:07.160 --> 01:01:10.000
I'm not a fan of blur of the background.

1103
01:01:10.000 --> 01:01:12.480
I know some people are, but I'm not.

1104
01:01:12.480 --> 01:01:14.320
I feel like I wanna go,

1105
01:01:14.320 --> 01:01:16.120
because Denise's background's blurred.

1106
01:01:16.120 --> 01:01:17.640
This is me.

1107
01:01:17.640 --> 01:01:20.640
I'm going, A, I already have a bad eye problem.

1108
01:01:20.640 --> 01:01:22.760
So the blurring actually makes it hard

1109
01:01:22.760 --> 01:01:24.520
for me to focus on your face.

1110
01:01:24.520 --> 01:01:27.360
Like, see, now I love your background.

1111
01:01:27.360 --> 01:01:31.120
The other thing is, I always wonder what you're hiding.

1112
01:01:31.120 --> 01:01:31.960
That's me.

1113
01:01:31.960 --> 01:01:33.400
I grew up with childhood trauma.

1114
01:01:33.400 --> 01:01:35.280
So if you have your background blurred,

1115
01:01:35.280 --> 01:01:36.640
like Ken's got his background blurred,

1116
01:01:36.640 --> 01:01:38.400
I'm like, what dead body is behind him

1117
01:01:38.400 --> 01:01:40.120
that he doesn't want me to see?

1118
01:01:40.120 --> 01:01:41.120
So that's where I go.

1119
01:01:41.120 --> 01:01:44.000
I go to the bad place, but that's a Rene thing.

1120
01:01:45.920 --> 01:01:49.200
And so I would say, like Hunter's background,

1121
01:01:49.200 --> 01:01:50.440
I would say it's too yellow.

1122
01:01:50.440 --> 01:01:51.480
It needs more life.

1123
01:01:51.480 --> 01:01:52.320
It's too yellow,

1124
01:01:52.320 --> 01:01:54.360
because you know it's matching his skin color,

1125
01:01:54.360 --> 01:01:55.320
and like in his shirt,

1126
01:01:55.320 --> 01:01:57.080
like it's making it look super washed out.

1127
01:01:57.800 --> 01:01:59.800
You also notice I got on the call

1128
01:01:59.800 --> 01:02:01.200
facing the beautiful light.

1129
01:02:01.200 --> 01:02:03.040
It is now dark, but here, I mean,

1130
01:02:03.040 --> 01:02:04.280
I always say this to you guys,

1131
01:02:04.280 --> 01:02:07.080
see how like I look like I have got no lines and wrinkles?

1132
01:02:07.080 --> 01:02:09.520
You can see my face, it pops out.

1133
01:02:09.520 --> 01:02:10.840
And then you just take your computer

1134
01:02:10.840 --> 01:02:12.680
and you start to walk around the room.

1135
01:02:12.680 --> 01:02:14.280
Actually, there's a lot of light in this kitchen,

1136
01:02:14.280 --> 01:02:15.960
so it's a little bit hard.

1137
01:02:15.960 --> 01:02:19.640
But do you see how all of a sudden the date changes?

1138
01:02:21.640 --> 01:02:23.400
Like, isn't it going to be much harder

1139
01:02:23.400 --> 01:02:26.800
for you to focus on me if I'm sitting right here?

1140
01:02:27.760 --> 01:02:29.520
It really changes the game.

1141
01:02:29.520 --> 01:02:31.000
So you want to come into the light.

1142
01:02:31.000 --> 01:02:31.840
And so you do that.

1143
01:02:31.840 --> 01:02:34.880
Take your computer and find good places.

1144
01:02:34.880 --> 01:02:36.680
Like, oh, I look good there.

1145
01:02:36.680 --> 01:02:37.520
I look good there.

1146
01:02:37.520 --> 01:02:39.680
Now, if you have a dirty kitchen, don't go there.

1147
01:02:39.680 --> 01:02:40.520
You know what I mean?

1148
01:02:40.520 --> 01:02:45.000
It's like, find a spot that you've got a good background.

1149
01:02:45.000 --> 01:02:47.040
So where'd you go, Marley?

1150
01:02:47.040 --> 01:02:47.880
Where'd you go?

1151
01:02:47.880 --> 01:02:49.080
I'm right here, I'm right here, I'm right here.

1152
01:02:49.080 --> 01:02:50.000
Keep talking.

1153
01:02:50.000 --> 01:02:51.040
I lost you.

1154
01:02:51.040 --> 01:02:51.880
Oh, there you are.

1155
01:02:51.880 --> 01:02:52.720
Thank you.

1156
01:02:52.720 --> 01:02:53.760
Okay, did you move?

1157
01:02:53.760 --> 01:02:56.120
Because you have much better light on your face right now.

1158
01:02:56.120 --> 01:02:58.560
I just turned the computer a little bit.

1159
01:02:58.560 --> 01:03:00.120
Okay, ladies and gents,

1160
01:03:00.120 --> 01:03:02.560
did you see how that little bit of a shift?

1161
01:03:02.560 --> 01:03:03.400
Hold on.

1162
01:03:03.400 --> 01:03:04.840
Like, somehow my flashlight just went on.

1163
01:03:04.840 --> 01:03:05.680
I don't know why.

1164
01:03:05.680 --> 01:03:07.160
Okay.

1165
01:03:07.160 --> 01:03:09.800
Like, all of a sudden I want to engage with you now.

1166
01:03:09.800 --> 01:03:12.440
It's like light and bright, beautiful.

1167
01:03:12.440 --> 01:03:13.600
Okay, perfect.

1168
01:03:13.600 --> 01:03:14.600
And I like your earrings.

1169
01:03:14.600 --> 01:03:16.760
And I like your lipstick, so you look good.

1170
01:03:16.760 --> 01:03:19.640
All right, so do you have your list ready now?

1171
01:03:19.640 --> 01:03:21.040
Thank you.

1172
01:03:21.040 --> 01:03:23.960
Okay, so the non-negotiables

1173
01:03:23.960 --> 01:03:27.680
are financially responsible,

1174
01:03:27.680 --> 01:03:28.960
non-smoker.

1175
01:03:28.960 --> 01:03:31.560
Well, I had written them before what you said,

1176
01:03:31.560 --> 01:03:32.880
but no drugs.

1177
01:03:32.880 --> 01:03:34.280
Health-conscious.

1178
01:03:35.400 --> 01:03:37.440
What does health-conscious mean to you?

1179
01:03:37.440 --> 01:03:40.400
Well, who realizes that our body is a temple

1180
01:03:40.400 --> 01:03:44.840
and who does not abuse anything,

1181
01:03:44.840 --> 01:03:49.840
like food, junk food, alcohol, sick, like that.

1182
01:03:51.560 --> 01:03:52.400
Yeah, okay.

1183
01:03:52.400 --> 01:03:55.800
So you do want somebody who 90% of the time

1184
01:03:55.800 --> 01:03:58.760
is eating food and drinking stuff

1185
01:03:58.760 --> 01:04:00.400
that is good for their body.

1186
01:04:00.400 --> 01:04:01.240
Yes.

1187
01:04:01.240 --> 01:04:02.320
Okay.

1188
01:04:02.320 --> 01:04:03.160
Yes.

1189
01:04:03.160 --> 01:04:04.360
That's fair.

1190
01:04:04.360 --> 01:04:07.640
Who has a relationship with Christ as well.

1191
01:04:08.800 --> 01:04:10.520
And I liked what you said earlier,

1192
01:04:10.520 --> 01:04:12.680
like clean from addiction.

1193
01:04:15.440 --> 01:04:17.280
And here I had...

1194
01:04:18.280 --> 01:04:19.880
And by the way, for those of you,

1195
01:04:19.880 --> 01:04:22.280
I know a lot of you put like clean from drugs,

1196
01:04:22.280 --> 01:04:24.040
alcohol and pornography.

1197
01:04:24.040 --> 01:04:27.080
Usually when people put that at the top of their list,

1198
01:04:27.080 --> 01:04:29.000
that usually tells me somebody in their past

1199
01:04:29.000 --> 01:04:31.560
had a drug addiction or an alcohol addiction.

1200
01:04:31.560 --> 01:04:33.080
So I will say this too,

1201
01:04:33.080 --> 01:04:35.480
I think all of us would want somebody

1202
01:04:35.480 --> 01:04:37.800
that's been in recovery for at least a year.

1203
01:04:38.720 --> 01:04:40.880
I mean, every 12-step meeting I know

1204
01:04:40.880 --> 01:04:42.600
says you should not be dating anybody

1205
01:04:42.600 --> 01:04:44.320
in your first year of sobriety.

1206
01:04:44.320 --> 01:04:45.800
You should not be dating anybody

1207
01:04:45.800 --> 01:04:47.680
in your first year of sobriety.

1208
01:04:47.680 --> 01:04:50.400
So I think it's important for you to say

1209
01:04:50.400 --> 01:04:52.040
one year sobriety.

1210
01:04:52.040 --> 01:04:55.920
I'm also willing to go the extra mile and say,

1211
01:04:55.920 --> 01:05:00.920
if for you, being around even somebody who's in recovery...

1212
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:05.900
is just too much of a trigger, I'm okay that that's your deal breaker. If you were in a

1213
01:05:05.900 --> 01:05:11.100
marriage for 30 years and alcoholism was a thing that took it down and you're like, Renee,

1214
01:05:11.100 --> 01:05:15.820
I can't even date somebody who's been in recovery. Now, if they've been in recovery, say for

1215
01:05:15.820 --> 01:05:21.860
30 years and they haven't had a drink since they were 25 and they're now 55, that might

1216
01:05:21.860 --> 01:05:27.820
be okay. But I'm telling you, it is okay if you meet somebody who has only been in recovery

1217
01:05:27.820 --> 01:05:31.960
one or two years and that's your story. I'm okay if you say, you know what? It's just

1218
01:05:31.960 --> 01:05:37.440
too soon for me. Your recovery is just too new for me. And that's not a bad on you, but

1219
01:05:37.440 --> 01:05:41.440
that has to do with my safety. So I just wanted to speak to that. And I'm going to come back

1220
01:05:41.440 --> 01:05:44.760
to the sex thing because I just saw Stephanie's comment and I want to make sure y'all know

1221
01:05:44.760 --> 01:05:48.640
that I'm not condoning sex before marriage, but I'll sidebar that. Okay. Keep going on

1222
01:05:48.640 --> 01:05:57.760
your list. In terms of preferences, I don't have too many. I think it's mostly the non

1223
01:05:57.760 --> 01:06:05.220
negotiable. I don't have a type. I don't need to be physically attracted to the person.

1224
01:06:05.220 --> 01:06:14.900
I'm intellectually connected to the person as well. Somebody who presents himself well

1225
01:06:14.900 --> 01:06:21.780
and who has a good relationship with his family. So I don't have a lot of preferences. I'm

1226
01:06:21.780 --> 01:06:30.400
5'2", so he can be just a little bit taller than me and much taller than me and that would

1227
01:06:30.400 --> 01:06:31.400
work.

1228
01:06:31.400 --> 01:06:36.480
No, I think your list is fine. I think your list is fine. Another non-negotiable I had

1229
01:06:36.480 --> 01:06:41.160
you guys was I needed to be able to have brain sex. Like you called it intellectually stimulated.

1230
01:06:41.160 --> 01:06:47.760
I call it brain sex. I was talking about this with somebody. I like to swim in the deep

1231
01:06:47.760 --> 01:06:53.620
end of the swimming pool. I do. I like to have fun. I think I'm a fun gal, but I naturally

1232
01:06:53.620 --> 01:07:00.900
like deep theological, deep life, deep ethical, deep moral conversations. Like I like watching

1233
01:07:00.900 --> 01:07:05.460
movies that make your brain think. I like watching movies that make you think like,

1234
01:07:05.460 --> 01:07:10.640
oh my gosh, what would I do under that pressure? How would I become? So I would never be able

1235
01:07:10.640 --> 01:07:16.400
to marry somebody who didn't like to be a thinker with me because I would be constantly

1236
01:07:16.500 --> 01:07:20.620
begging for a heartfelt conversation from somebody who just doesn't ever want to go

1237
01:07:20.620 --> 01:07:27.500
there. Especially at my age of 58, if a guy that I was dating didn't like to have deep

1238
01:07:27.500 --> 01:07:31.740
conversations to think that he's going to suddenly change and become a deep thinker

1239
01:07:31.740 --> 01:07:34.260
is probably unrealistic.

1240
01:07:34.260 --> 01:07:37.660
And that's part of quality time, right?

1241
01:07:37.660 --> 01:07:43.900
Yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, I just, I just, I just love, I love pulling out those really

1242
01:07:43.900 --> 01:07:49.240
hard kind of mind questions going like, oh my gosh, if you're an animal, what would

1243
01:07:49.240 --> 01:07:52.440
you be? And then why would you be that animal? What does that say about you? Like, I love

1244
01:07:52.440 --> 01:07:55.920
kind of doing that stuff. Okay. So I'm going to go to the next two folks, but I'm going

1245
01:07:55.920 --> 01:08:01.840
to jump back to Stephanie because, all right, here's the thing. And you just said here,

1246
01:08:01.840 --> 01:08:06.960
I'm confused how that's not a clear black white for a person profession to be a believer

1247
01:08:06.960 --> 01:08:13.800
of Jesus. I don't know. Here's what I would like to say. I don't know what, where everybody

1248
01:08:13.800 --> 01:08:18.660
some people in this community grew up in the church their whole life, and they really

1249
01:08:18.660 --> 01:08:23.220
didn't have strongholds. They didn't have a stronghold with sex or alcohol or drugs.

1250
01:08:23.220 --> 01:08:28.180
They had healthy parents that modeled what healthy marriage looked like. You may, if

1251
01:08:28.180 --> 01:08:32.600
I gave you an ACE score, the adverse childhood experiences score, you probably would score

1252
01:08:32.600 --> 01:08:38.300
maybe a zero one or two. And so for a lot of you, I really get how, for some of this,

1253
01:08:38.300 --> 01:08:43.580
what seems to be such clear biblical proof of what we should be doing. I get for some

1254
01:08:43.600 --> 01:08:49.180
of you how it seems impossible that somebody just wouldn't see the black and white of it.

1255
01:08:49.180 --> 01:08:53.380
Here's what I can tell you after being in ministry and running a nonprofit for 20 years,

1256
01:08:53.380 --> 01:09:00.020
some of us grew up with a lot more trauma. And what we thought was normal was unhealthy.

1257
01:09:00.020 --> 01:09:04.260
We didn't have the same safety. We didn't have the same boundaries. We didn't grow up

1258
01:09:04.260 --> 01:09:10.819
with the same right wrong. And so when you learn some of that, after you've done a lot

1259
01:09:10.819 --> 01:09:16.380
of things and you've learned a lot of behavior patterns, it's not that it's not black and

1260
01:09:16.380 --> 01:09:23.819
white to you. It's just that your whole paradigm has shifted. And so you accept Jesus in your

1261
01:09:23.819 --> 01:09:30.479
heart and you're a follower, but you're like, okay, but I still got to figure this out.

1262
01:09:30.479 --> 01:09:38.439
And then a lot of it is a culture issue. You guys, I can't tell you how many churches tolerate

1263
01:09:38.439 --> 01:09:44.200
that behavior. I mean, I've had pastors who are widowed, who've been inappropriate with

1264
01:09:44.200 --> 01:09:51.600
me, elders, deacons. And so the problem is how many pastors are falling like drop cakes

1265
01:09:51.600 --> 01:09:59.560
right now with sexual issues? We have people at the pulpit with 50,000 parishioners.

1266
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:02.400
hurting and being inappropriate.

1267
01:10:02.400 --> 01:10:06.760
And so we have a culture where church culture

1268
01:10:06.760 --> 01:10:08.160
is not talking about it

1269
01:10:08.160 --> 01:10:10.320
and not saying that it's black and white.

1270
01:10:10.320 --> 01:10:12.240
And, or they're, it's like, well,

1271
01:10:12.240 --> 01:10:14.600
it's like the don't ask, don't tell thing.

1272
01:10:14.600 --> 01:10:16.760
And I remember I said that to my pastor

1273
01:10:16.760 --> 01:10:19.160
who'd been married for 35 years.

1274
01:10:19.160 --> 01:10:21.280
He's like, Renee, do you really deal

1275
01:10:21.280 --> 01:10:22.320
with a lot of Christian men

1276
01:10:22.320 --> 01:10:23.760
who want to have sex before marriage?

1277
01:10:23.760 --> 01:10:28.000
And I'm like, are you kidding?

1278
01:10:28.040 --> 01:10:30.000
Like, I could count on one hand

1279
01:10:30.000 --> 01:10:33.200
how many men didn't want to have sex before marriage.

1280
01:10:33.200 --> 01:10:34.960
And he was like, like you guys,

1281
01:10:34.960 --> 01:10:37.640
his whole, he's been married for 35 years.

1282
01:10:37.640 --> 01:10:40.960
He didn't know that was happening in the congregation.

1283
01:10:40.960 --> 01:10:44.120
So when he gave a sermon literally five days later

1284
01:10:44.120 --> 01:10:46.520
and the topic, somehow he managed to bring sex up.

1285
01:10:46.520 --> 01:10:48.440
And he goes, you guys, I just learned

1286
01:10:48.440 --> 01:10:50.440
some of you out there think it's okay

1287
01:10:50.440 --> 01:10:52.480
to have sex before marriage.

1288
01:10:52.480 --> 01:10:55.340
I just assumed you all knew it's in scripture.

1289
01:10:56.340 --> 01:10:58.420
And so Stephanie, like you,

1290
01:10:58.420 --> 01:11:00.900
like he just assumed everybody knew,

1291
01:11:00.900 --> 01:11:02.980
but if we're not teaching it and we're not,

1292
01:11:02.980 --> 01:11:05.500
and we don't have men holding men accountable

1293
01:11:05.500 --> 01:11:08.340
and women holding women accountable,

1294
01:11:08.340 --> 01:11:10.100
then we somehow convince ourself.

1295
01:11:10.100 --> 01:11:12.340
And here's what I try to do.

1296
01:11:12.340 --> 01:11:15.100
Like sex is an obvious one, right?

1297
01:11:15.100 --> 01:11:19.140
But you guys, God's also clear about slander

1298
01:11:19.140 --> 01:11:21.940
and God's clear about gossip.

1299
01:11:21.940 --> 01:11:24.060
God's clear about lying.

1300
01:11:24.060 --> 01:11:27.820
God is clear about idols.

1301
01:11:28.700 --> 01:11:30.260
He's clear about idols.

1302
01:11:30.260 --> 01:11:32.420
And I just finished an Old Testament class

1303
01:11:32.420 --> 01:11:34.580
all about the idols.

1304
01:11:34.580 --> 01:11:38.340
And we have to ask ourself, what if we made an idol?

1305
01:11:38.340 --> 01:11:41.900
What are we putting in front of God sometimes?

1306
01:11:41.900 --> 01:11:46.900
Like, and so I really, I don't ever wanna condone

1307
01:11:47.620 --> 01:11:48.940
someone else's behavior,

1308
01:11:48.940 --> 01:11:50.980
but when they seem adamant about it,

1309
01:11:50.980 --> 01:11:53.220
I try to take a check in my spirit going,

1310
01:11:53.220 --> 01:11:57.340
is there an area of my life that I have an idol?

1311
01:11:57.340 --> 01:11:58.900
That I, and somebody else might be going,

1312
01:11:58.900 --> 01:12:02.080
Renee, why on earth would you still be doing that?

1313
01:12:02.080 --> 01:12:05.980
You realize, and I would be like, oh my gosh,

1314
01:12:05.980 --> 01:12:07.680
I didn't realize that was an idol.

1315
01:12:08.700 --> 01:12:12.960
And so I'm not saying you keep dating somebody,

1316
01:12:12.960 --> 01:12:15.020
but I'm just, and I'm not saying

1317
01:12:15.020 --> 01:12:18.600
that you tolerate that behavior 100%.

1318
01:12:18.600 --> 01:12:20.240
If they wanna have sex before marriage,

1319
01:12:20.240 --> 01:12:21.280
they are not your person.

1320
01:12:21.280 --> 01:12:22.720
I'm not saying that.

1321
01:12:23.140 --> 01:12:24.920
I'm just saying it's really easy for us

1322
01:12:24.920 --> 01:12:27.400
to look at some things and go, how do they not know?

1323
01:12:27.400 --> 01:12:29.800
That's it's so crystal clear in the Bible.

1324
01:12:31.040 --> 01:12:32.680
I just know that we live in a fallen world

1325
01:12:32.680 --> 01:12:36.220
and some of us came to faith a lot later in life

1326
01:12:36.220 --> 01:12:38.240
and came up with a lot more brokenness.

1327
01:12:38.240 --> 01:12:40.960
And some of those things we're still working on.

1328
01:12:40.960 --> 01:12:42.000
That's why I wanted to send that.

1329
01:12:42.000 --> 01:12:43.740
Okay, is it Judy or Judy?

1330
01:12:43.740 --> 01:12:45.400
Remind me how to say your name.

1331
01:12:46.520 --> 01:12:48.120
It's Judy.

1332
01:12:48.120 --> 01:12:48.960
It is Judy.

1333
01:12:48.960 --> 01:12:52.120
Okay, you're just messing with me with the spelling.

1334
01:12:52.440 --> 01:12:53.680
And I think I did this the last time,

1335
01:12:53.680 --> 01:12:55.360
but it's been a while since we chatted.

1336
01:12:55.360 --> 01:12:57.520
Okay, Judy, all right.

1337
01:12:57.520 --> 01:12:59.880
A, green is perfect for you.

1338
01:12:59.880 --> 01:13:01.600
Stunning smile.

1339
01:13:01.600 --> 01:13:03.280
Light is on your face.

1340
01:13:03.280 --> 01:13:04.920
You're bringing good energy in.

1341
01:13:04.920 --> 01:13:06.440
I'm loving it.

1342
01:13:06.440 --> 01:13:07.280
Bringing you to that.

1343
01:13:07.280 --> 01:13:08.720
Thank you, thank you so much.

1344
01:13:08.720 --> 01:13:11.240
Okay, so my nine negotiables.

1345
01:13:11.240 --> 01:13:14.280
So the first one is they believe in sound doctrine.

1346
01:13:14.280 --> 01:13:16.680
Like in the, I think we talked about it already.

1347
01:13:16.680 --> 01:13:18.120
I had it on my list already.

1348
01:13:18.120 --> 01:13:20.120
Like believing in God the Father, the Son,

1349
01:13:20.120 --> 01:13:23.080
the Holy Spirit as equal, deity, three in one.

1350
01:13:24.000 --> 01:13:26.640
Someone who is open to traveling and adventure

1351
01:13:26.640 --> 01:13:27.800
and willing to travel to Africa.

1352
01:13:27.800 --> 01:13:29.040
So I'm actually from Kenya.

1353
01:13:29.040 --> 01:13:31.760
So I want someone who will accept me.

1354
01:13:31.760 --> 01:13:32.840
Amen, sister.

1355
01:13:32.840 --> 01:13:34.480
Yeah, man.

1356
01:13:34.480 --> 01:13:36.520
Like if he won't get on a plane and go see your homeland,

1357
01:13:36.520 --> 01:13:37.360
you've got a problem.

1358
01:13:37.360 --> 01:13:40.920
Yeah, he has to be open to coming to see my family

1359
01:13:40.920 --> 01:13:41.760
in Africa.

1360
01:13:41.760 --> 01:13:43.120
I'm the only one here, so.

1361
01:13:43.120 --> 01:13:44.080
That is fair.

1362
01:13:44.080 --> 01:13:44.920
That is fair.

1363
01:13:44.920 --> 01:13:45.760
Yeah.

1364
01:13:45.760 --> 01:13:49.000
And then someone who is authentic and walks the talk.

1365
01:13:50.120 --> 01:13:52.960
Who is honest and kind with his words and actions.

1366
01:13:54.040 --> 01:13:56.080
For me, I had financially mature.

1367
01:13:56.080 --> 01:13:56.920
I don't know.

1368
01:13:56.920 --> 01:13:57.760
Wait, I'm sorry.

1369
01:13:57.760 --> 01:13:59.000
Say that sentence again, that last one.

1370
01:13:59.000 --> 01:14:00.000
Financially mature.

1371
01:14:00.000 --> 01:14:02.680
Like financially responsible.

1372
01:14:02.680 --> 01:14:03.760
Like how do you say responsible?

1373
01:14:03.760 --> 01:14:05.360
Sorry, but, because yeah,

1374
01:14:05.360 --> 01:14:07.240
dated people who are not necessarily mature

1375
01:14:07.240 --> 01:14:08.480
with their finances.

1376
01:14:08.480 --> 01:14:09.320
Yeah.

1377
01:14:09.320 --> 01:14:11.000
And then someone who has a generous spirit

1378
01:14:11.000 --> 01:14:13.240
and someone who challenges me intellectually.

1379
01:14:14.240 --> 01:14:16.840
Yeah, I think that's the end of my list.

1380
01:14:17.760 --> 01:14:18.880
I think those are good ones.

1381
01:14:18.880 --> 01:14:21.680
I think that, and here's the thing,

1382
01:14:21.680 --> 01:14:23.960
as far as intellectual stimulation,

1383
01:14:23.960 --> 01:14:25.560
just realize there's gonna be some things

1384
01:14:25.560 --> 01:14:27.840
you might be smarter in than them,

1385
01:14:27.840 --> 01:14:29.400
and they might be smarter in than you,

1386
01:14:29.400 --> 01:14:32.000
but it's like, you wanna be able to have

1387
01:14:32.000 --> 01:14:34.160
good deep conversation with them.

1388
01:14:35.800 --> 01:14:37.960
Like, I'm pretty sure my brothers would be,

1389
01:14:37.960 --> 01:14:39.200
they would die to marry me.

1390
01:14:39.200 --> 01:14:41.640
Like, my brothers are like,

1391
01:14:41.640 --> 01:14:43.120
it's not just that they're blue collar,

1392
01:14:43.120 --> 01:14:44.320
because they're wonderful humans,

1393
01:14:44.320 --> 01:14:45.720
and they have raised great kids,

1394
01:14:45.720 --> 01:14:47.160
and they've let their wives stay home,

1395
01:14:47.160 --> 01:14:49.000
but their wives never had to work.

1396
01:14:49.000 --> 01:14:50.760
So they made plenty of good money.

1397
01:14:50.760 --> 01:14:53.360
But my brothers and my brother-in-law,

1398
01:14:53.360 --> 01:14:55.240
they're kind of like, they stay here at the surface.

1399
01:14:55.240 --> 01:14:56.920
Like, they just find me to be like,

1400
01:14:56.920 --> 01:14:59.400
oh my gosh, there's Renee going deep again.

1401
01:14:59.400 --> 01:15:00.240
And so.

1402
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:02.120
We love those people, because there's plenty of women

1403
01:15:02.120 --> 01:15:03.960
that don't want to go deep either.

1404
01:15:03.960 --> 01:15:05.320
They kind of want to just have fun.

1405
01:15:05.320 --> 01:15:07.240
So it's not a bad thing.

1406
01:15:07.240 --> 01:15:09.760
I don't hear anything awful in your list.

1407
01:15:09.760 --> 01:15:10.680
Thank you.

1408
01:15:10.680 --> 01:15:11.640
You bet.

1409
01:15:11.640 --> 01:15:14.640
OK, Helen.

1410
01:15:14.640 --> 01:15:15.560
Where'd you go, Helen?

1411
01:15:15.560 --> 01:15:16.360
There you go.

1412
01:15:16.360 --> 01:15:17.400
Hi.

1413
01:15:17.400 --> 01:15:18.080
Hi.

1414
01:15:18.080 --> 01:15:18.880
Can you see me OK?

1415
01:15:18.880 --> 01:15:19.960
Can you hear me OK?

1416
01:15:19.960 --> 01:15:21.800
I can see you, and I can hear you.

1417
01:15:21.800 --> 01:15:23.080
OK.

1418
01:15:23.080 --> 01:15:23.960
I have more to watch.

1419
01:15:23.960 --> 01:15:26.160
I can see your beautiful smile, even though you're

1420
01:15:26.160 --> 01:15:27.600
far away on your phone.

1421
01:15:27.600 --> 01:15:28.600
Keep going.

1422
01:15:29.400 --> 01:15:30.520
Let me do speakerphone.

1423
01:15:30.520 --> 01:15:31.680
That way you can hear me OK.

1424
01:15:31.680 --> 01:15:32.600
Just a second.

1425
01:15:32.600 --> 01:15:33.960
I can hear you great.

1426
01:15:33.960 --> 01:15:34.480
Oh, you can?

1427
01:15:34.480 --> 01:15:34.960
Perfect.

1428
01:15:34.960 --> 01:15:36.360
OK.

1429
01:15:36.360 --> 01:15:37.520
I have more of a question.

1430
01:15:37.520 --> 01:15:38.720
Is that OK?

1431
01:15:38.720 --> 01:15:39.320
Yeah.

1432
01:15:39.320 --> 01:15:40.560
Yeah, yeah.

1433
01:15:40.560 --> 01:15:47.320
So on the financial thing, financial security,

1434
01:15:47.320 --> 01:15:51.840
like how much income is coming in and things like that,

1435
01:15:51.840 --> 01:15:54.600
for someone in their 50s, what do you think about, OK,

1436
01:15:54.600 --> 01:15:57.280
they don't make a whole lot.

1437
01:15:57.320 --> 01:15:59.800
I think you're looking for financial stability.

1438
01:15:59.800 --> 01:16:00.920
They have a good job.

1439
01:16:00.920 --> 01:16:02.360
They have income coming in.

1440
01:16:02.360 --> 01:16:03.600
They know how to save.

1441
01:16:03.600 --> 01:16:05.080
They know how to tithe.

1442
01:16:05.080 --> 01:16:07.200
They know how to pay off their credit card.

1443
01:16:07.200 --> 01:16:10.040
I think it is OK if you're making $150,000 a year

1444
01:16:10.040 --> 01:16:11.600
and he's making $60,000.

1445
01:16:11.600 --> 01:16:15.440
He might have picked a career that just pays crap,

1446
01:16:15.440 --> 01:16:18.480
but he is good with the money that he has.

1447
01:16:18.480 --> 01:16:20.200
That's what you want to be able to see.

1448
01:16:20.200 --> 01:16:24.200
This is how much money I make, and I can live off of that.

1449
01:16:24.200 --> 01:16:25.960
And it is possible.

1450
01:16:25.960 --> 01:16:29.520
Your job pays you more, and some men and women

1451
01:16:29.520 --> 01:16:32.440
might feel uncomfortable with that imbalance,

1452
01:16:32.440 --> 01:16:36.040
but you're looking for they know how to handle their income.

1453
01:16:36.040 --> 01:16:38.600
And that means, and it got, you know,

1454
01:16:38.600 --> 01:16:40.960
scripture says what you can do with a little,

1455
01:16:40.960 --> 01:16:42.440
you can do with a lot.

1456
01:16:42.440 --> 01:16:45.200
So you might go, but wait, I make this much money.

1457
01:16:45.200 --> 01:16:48.760
If he's already proven he can be stable with $50,000,

1458
01:16:48.760 --> 01:16:52.360
then he can be stable with $150,000.

1459
01:16:52.360 --> 01:16:55.280
So that's what I think we should be kind of looking for

1460
01:16:55.320 --> 01:16:57.040
is are they responsible?

1461
01:16:57.040 --> 01:16:58.280
Not how much they make.

1462
01:16:58.280 --> 01:16:59.920
Now, some of you, if you said to me,

1463
01:16:59.920 --> 01:17:01.520
well, Renee, I make this much money

1464
01:17:01.520 --> 01:17:02.760
and that's the kind of life I want,

1465
01:17:02.760 --> 01:17:04.960
and I want somebody who makes that with me,

1466
01:17:04.960 --> 01:17:07.400
I'd say that's a preference.

1467
01:17:07.400 --> 01:17:11.120
And you may not get that preference.

1468
01:17:11.120 --> 01:17:14.320
And are you willing to let go of your best friend

1469
01:17:14.320 --> 01:17:16.960
simply because you got a little, you know,

1470
01:17:16.960 --> 01:17:20.480
you got an advantage in your career and they, I don't know.

1471
01:17:20.480 --> 01:17:22.280
And it's, again, it's also different

1472
01:17:22.280 --> 01:17:24.160
if they've been throwing their life away.

1473
01:17:24.160 --> 01:17:25.680
Now, if they've been throwing their life away

1474
01:17:25.680 --> 01:17:28.080
and kind of be playing the Tom girl and the Tom boy,

1475
01:17:28.080 --> 01:17:29.760
you know, kind of flitting around,

1476
01:17:29.760 --> 01:17:33.160
and they're at an entry-level job at 58

1477
01:17:33.160 --> 01:17:36.160
because they've been kind of playing around with their life,

1478
01:17:36.160 --> 01:17:38.760
then that to me would show some irresponsibility,

1479
01:17:38.760 --> 01:17:40.680
but that's kind of different.

1480
01:17:40.680 --> 01:17:42.000
Does that answer your question on that?

1481
01:17:42.000 --> 01:17:43.640
Okay, keep going on your list.

1482
01:17:44.840 --> 01:17:48.200
So let's say they did do some crazy stuff in their life,

1483
01:17:48.200 --> 01:17:49.800
but now they're on the track to be like,

1484
01:17:49.800 --> 01:17:51.280
okay, I'm done with that life.

1485
01:17:51.280 --> 01:17:52.960
I'm going to grow in this area.

1486
01:17:52.960 --> 01:17:54.480
It may take some time.

1487
01:17:54.480 --> 01:17:57.280
That means you as the woman may have to be

1488
01:17:57.280 --> 01:18:00.240
the major breadwinner for a little while.

1489
01:18:00.240 --> 01:18:01.440
Do you give like a timeline?

1490
01:18:01.440 --> 01:18:03.480
Like, hey, the first year.

1491
01:18:03.480 --> 01:18:06.920
Are they, I still, I personally, at my age,

1492
01:18:06.920 --> 01:18:07.880
I would still want to know

1493
01:18:07.880 --> 01:18:09.920
that they can live off their paycheck.

1494
01:18:09.920 --> 01:18:12.040
I want to know that they can live off their paycheck

1495
01:18:12.040 --> 01:18:13.440
and take me out on a date.

1496
01:18:14.360 --> 01:18:16.920
And if that's only making $36,000 a year,

1497
01:18:16.920 --> 01:18:19.440
like I would not want to put myself in a position

1498
01:18:19.440 --> 01:18:22.120
where I'm having to carry him financially.

1499
01:18:23.080 --> 01:18:23.920
Yeah.

1500
01:18:23.920 --> 01:18:24.960
But that's me.

1501
01:18:24.960 --> 01:18:25.920
That's a preference.

1502
01:18:25.920 --> 01:18:28.320
For me, that's a preference.

1503
01:18:28.320 --> 01:18:31.360
I would not want to have to carry him financially.

1504
01:18:31.360 --> 01:18:32.200
Okay.

1505
01:18:32.200 --> 01:18:34.080
I don't care if he's like, Renee, I'm back at the bottom,

1506
01:18:34.080 --> 01:18:36.880
but as long as you can live off the bottom, I'm good.

1507
01:18:36.880 --> 01:18:38.920
Wherever that bottom is for you.

1508
01:18:38.920 --> 01:18:39.760
Okay.

1509
01:18:39.760 --> 01:18:40.960
That was my main question.

1510
01:18:40.960 --> 01:18:43.360
I have other questions, but I have to formulate them

1511
01:18:43.360 --> 01:18:44.200
in my head.

1512
01:18:44.200 --> 01:18:45.800
Are you sure?

1513
01:18:45.800 --> 01:18:49.240
Well, no other hands are raised, so you got the floor.

1514
01:18:49.240 --> 01:18:50.080
All right.

1515
01:18:50.080 --> 01:18:53.120
A spiritual thing, spiritual growth thing.

1516
01:18:55.000 --> 01:18:59.960
If they don't have a spiritual faith community in person,

1517
01:18:59.960 --> 01:19:03.160
one, that is, do attend church online,

1518
01:19:03.160 --> 01:19:05.720
but don't have an in-person faith community,

1519
01:19:05.720 --> 01:19:09.120
but want to find one in the area that they live,

1520
01:19:10.360 --> 01:19:13.280
would it be, and I'm the one who has one, let's say,

1521
01:19:14.160 --> 01:19:17.800
would it be out of line to say, hey, why don't you,

1522
01:19:17.800 --> 01:19:19.720
if it comes to that, if it comes to that,

1523
01:19:20.360 --> 01:19:21.280
why don't you move to where I live

1524
01:19:21.280 --> 01:19:24.000
because the faith community's solid here,

1525
01:19:24.000 --> 01:19:27.760
and then we can figure out if we ever want to move back

1526
01:19:27.760 --> 01:19:30.120
to where you're from at a point.

1527
01:19:30.120 --> 01:19:32.320
That's exactly what Brian did for me

1528
01:19:32.320 --> 01:19:34.840
because he was working like three different jobs.

1529
01:19:34.840 --> 01:19:35.720
He worked on Sunday.

1530
01:19:35.720 --> 01:19:38.840
He had no faith community and he was watching it online.

1531
01:19:38.840 --> 01:19:43.160
So I watched how he integrated with my faith community

1532
01:19:43.160 --> 01:19:45.880
and he absorbed into it and he loved it.

1533
01:19:45.880 --> 01:19:48.080
And now he's flourishing in it.

1534
01:19:48.120 --> 01:19:51.760
So back to that growth mindset, I saw growth.

1535
01:19:51.760 --> 01:19:53.280
Like now, I mean, I told you,

1536
01:19:53.280 --> 01:19:55.120
Brian went from being the frozen chosen to,

1537
01:19:55.120 --> 01:19:57.160
I saw him raise his hand in church last week.

1538
01:19:57.160 --> 01:19:59.040
I was like, what is going on?

1539
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:03.080
And so like his faith just exploded

1540
01:20:03.080 --> 01:20:06.160
because I almost handed him a community.

1541
01:20:06.160 --> 01:20:07.000
Yeah.

1542
01:20:07.000 --> 01:20:10.400
And he just took it and ran and it became his own

1543
01:20:10.400 --> 01:20:12.920
as opposed to me dragging in places.

1544
01:20:12.920 --> 01:20:13.760
Yeah.

1545
01:20:13.760 --> 01:20:15.240
So I think that's okay

1546
01:20:15.240 --> 01:20:17.360
as long as you see them growing into that.

1547
01:20:17.360 --> 01:20:19.760
If you could tell they're just dragging along with you,

1548
01:20:19.760 --> 01:20:21.640
you'll notice that.

1549
01:20:21.640 --> 01:20:22.480
Yeah.

1550
01:20:22.480 --> 01:20:23.300
Okay. Yeah.

1551
01:20:23.300 --> 01:20:25.280
Do you have another one or are you good?

1552
01:20:25.280 --> 01:20:28.400
Those are the two main ones that I was thinking that are,

1553
01:20:29.400 --> 01:20:33.200
how does that like roll out with time?

1554
01:20:33.200 --> 01:20:34.040
Yeah.

1555
01:20:34.040 --> 01:20:35.200
Months in that I am in.

1556
01:20:35.200 --> 01:20:37.800
So I'll come back with deeper questions

1557
01:20:37.800 --> 01:20:40.000
once maybe in the third month for sure.

1558
01:20:40.000 --> 01:20:40.840
Okay.

1559
01:20:40.840 --> 01:20:41.680
All right.

1560
01:20:41.680 --> 01:20:42.500
Thank you so much.

1561
01:20:42.500 --> 01:20:43.340
You bet.

1562
01:20:43.340 --> 01:20:44.840
It says iPhone, so I don't know your name.

1563
01:20:44.840 --> 01:20:47.120
So you're on, it looks like you're on your iPhone.

1564
01:20:47.120 --> 01:20:49.000
You've got a nice little,

1565
01:20:49.000 --> 01:20:49.840
you know who I'm talking about.

1566
01:20:49.840 --> 01:20:50.680
Tell me your name.

1567
01:20:51.960 --> 01:20:52.800
Hello, Renee.

1568
01:20:52.800 --> 01:20:54.120
How are you?

1569
01:20:54.120 --> 01:20:55.340
I need to be more,

1570
01:20:58.760 --> 01:21:00.520
I think, I feel like I need a little bit more one-on-one

1571
01:21:00.520 --> 01:21:02.320
to, I'm not even dating.

1572
01:21:02.320 --> 01:21:03.720
I'm not hardly getting.

1573
01:21:03.720 --> 01:21:05.000
I do one-on-one calls.

1574
01:21:05.000 --> 01:21:06.720
I do one-on-one, I get this.

1575
01:21:07.640 --> 01:21:09.860
I do love to do one-on-ones with people,

1576
01:21:09.860 --> 01:21:12.440
but if you have done a one-on-one with me, you know,

1577
01:21:12.440 --> 01:21:14.040
I'm not as harsh, not harsh.

1578
01:21:14.040 --> 01:21:15.540
Harsh is not the right word.

1579
01:21:15.540 --> 01:21:16.380
Jackie's pretty fine.

1580
01:21:16.380 --> 01:21:17.200
Maybe that's what I need.

1581
01:21:17.200 --> 01:21:18.040
I don't know.

1582
01:21:18.040 --> 01:21:18.880
I'm right under on the blunt.

1583
01:21:18.880 --> 01:21:19.700
Yeah.

1584
01:21:19.700 --> 01:21:22.440
Maybe that's what I need.

1585
01:21:22.440 --> 01:21:23.280
I don't know.

1586
01:21:23.280 --> 01:21:24.100
I'm also good.

1587
01:21:24.100 --> 01:21:24.940
I also give homework.

1588
01:21:24.940 --> 01:21:26.660
I also give homework and,

1589
01:21:27.540 --> 01:21:28.900
but what's your name?

1590
01:21:28.900 --> 01:21:29.900
That's fine.

1591
01:21:29.900 --> 01:21:30.780
Shanna.

1592
01:21:30.780 --> 01:21:32.180
Tell me your name, girl.

1593
01:21:32.180 --> 01:21:33.980
Shanna or Shanna?

1594
01:21:33.980 --> 01:21:36.180
Shanna, Shanna.

1595
01:21:36.180 --> 01:21:37.180
Okay.

1596
01:21:37.180 --> 01:21:39.060
Okay, Shanna, are you new to our program?

1597
01:21:39.060 --> 01:21:39.900
Have you been here a while?

1598
01:21:39.900 --> 01:21:41.820
I'm sorry, forgive me for asking.

1599
01:21:41.820 --> 01:21:42.920
Almost three years.

1600
01:21:43.960 --> 01:21:45.440
Okay, I thought so.

1601
01:21:45.440 --> 01:21:46.940
All right, I'm telling you guys,

1602
01:21:46.940 --> 01:21:49.620
my vision is really shot and you're on an iPhone.

1603
01:21:49.620 --> 01:21:50.660
Okay.

1604
01:21:50.660 --> 01:21:51.740
I don't know how to change that.

1605
01:21:51.740 --> 01:21:52.580
I don't know how to-

1606
01:21:52.580 --> 01:21:53.400
No, no, no, no, no, it's all good.

1607
01:21:53.400 --> 01:21:54.240
It's me.

1608
01:21:54.240 --> 01:21:55.780
It's a me thing.

1609
01:21:55.780 --> 01:21:56.620
I'm just tired.

1610
01:21:57.460 --> 01:21:58.300
I finished seminary this week.

1611
01:21:58.300 --> 01:21:59.120
I've been working on papers.

1612
01:21:59.120 --> 01:21:59.960
I have no sleep.

1613
01:21:59.960 --> 01:22:01.020
And so my vision's really gone.

1614
01:22:01.020 --> 01:22:04.300
Well, so you don't have a question for me right now.

1615
01:22:04.300 --> 01:22:06.740
You just don't want to ask in front of everybody.

1616
01:22:08.180 --> 01:22:10.820
I am trying to figure out exactly like,

1617
01:22:10.820 --> 01:22:12.380
like I'll get to talking to somebody.

1618
01:22:12.380 --> 01:22:14.700
We get to chatting or texting

1619
01:22:14.700 --> 01:22:18.540
and then maybe a phone call and then that's it.

1620
01:22:18.540 --> 01:22:20.300
Okay, so you don't get to a video.

1621
01:22:22.020 --> 01:22:23.260
You don't get to a video chat.

1622
01:22:23.260 --> 01:22:25.980
I don't even get, I haven't been on a date in probably a year.

1623
01:22:26.300 --> 01:22:29.340
I don't know, and I haven't changed jobs.

1624
01:22:29.340 --> 01:22:30.540
You look adorable.

1625
01:22:30.540 --> 01:22:32.900
So I have to say something funny to get you to laugh

1626
01:22:32.900 --> 01:22:35.740
because I want to see what it's like when you smile for me.

1627
01:22:36.740 --> 01:22:37.580
Let's see.

1628
01:22:39.340 --> 01:22:40.980
Okay, you're so cute.

1629
01:22:40.980 --> 01:22:44.060
All right, so tell me why you're going

1630
01:22:44.060 --> 01:22:46.980
from the texting to a phone call and not right to a video.

1631
01:22:46.980 --> 01:22:48.060
Let's start there.

1632
01:22:51.360 --> 01:22:52.900
Well, I live with my son

1633
01:22:52.900 --> 01:22:57.900
and I'm trying to get a minute by myself for one.

1634
01:22:59.180 --> 01:23:01.060
So how can you get on the phone?

1635
01:23:01.060 --> 01:23:02.420
How can you get on the phone?

1636
01:23:02.420 --> 01:23:03.260
Cause to me-

1637
01:23:03.260 --> 01:23:06.100
And also there, well, I mean, he's older,

1638
01:23:06.100 --> 01:23:07.180
but I mean, just to have,

1639
01:23:07.180 --> 01:23:09.860
we live in a very small apartment or very small housing.

1640
01:23:09.860 --> 01:23:11.660
I live in 500 square feet of space.

1641
01:23:11.660 --> 01:23:13.100
I understand.

1642
01:23:13.100 --> 01:23:14.860
Okay, so here's what I'm telling you.

1643
01:23:14.860 --> 01:23:17.580
You can go in the car, you can go in the bathroom.

1644
01:23:17.580 --> 01:23:18.580
You can go in the bathroom,

1645
01:23:18.580 --> 01:23:20.460
go in your stinking bathroom and put the ceiling

1646
01:23:20.460 --> 01:23:22.780
or put the fan on so it's like white noise

1647
01:23:23.660 --> 01:23:25.500
or put like the white noise machine outside the bathroom

1648
01:23:25.500 --> 01:23:28.060
and just have a really big shower curtain behind you.

1649
01:23:28.060 --> 01:23:30.700
And the person won't even know you're in the bathroom.

1650
01:23:30.700 --> 01:23:31.700
Yes, ma'am.

1651
01:23:31.700 --> 01:23:36.260
Okay, so I think you,

1652
01:23:36.260 --> 01:23:38.060
because here's the problem, you guys,

1653
01:23:38.060 --> 01:23:41.980
like we lose a lot of conversation.

1654
01:23:41.980 --> 01:23:46.980
Like if you are, well, actually, oh my gosh,

1655
01:23:47.180 --> 01:23:49.140
here's what I forgot to do tonight.

1656
01:23:49.140 --> 01:23:51.260
And it's 8.21, so I have to stop and tell you this.

1657
01:23:51.300 --> 01:23:53.580
So Shanna, this might help you.

1658
01:23:53.580 --> 01:23:58.580
I Googled things to do in Franklin,

1659
01:23:59.260 --> 01:24:02.140
events and single events.

1660
01:24:02.140 --> 01:24:05.700
I Googled some like, what can singles do

1661
01:24:05.700 --> 01:24:10.180
in Franklin, Tennessee, besides online dating?

1662
01:24:10.180 --> 01:24:14.460
Look at this whole page of stuff that Google taught me.

1663
01:24:14.460 --> 01:24:16.220
Active singles in Nashville.

1664
01:24:16.220 --> 01:24:17.700
And it gave me a whole bunch of stuff,

1665
01:24:17.700 --> 01:24:20.980
including monthly mega ball, picnics, pints and paws,

1666
01:24:22.020 --> 01:24:25.700
yoga, sunset socials, seriously searching.

1667
01:24:25.700 --> 01:24:27.100
Of course that was the meetup.

1668
01:24:27.100 --> 01:24:29.540
Franklin, 40s plus out and about.

1669
01:24:29.540 --> 01:24:32.380
A large active local group focused on social addings

1670
01:24:32.380 --> 01:24:34.820
for mature adults in the area.

1671
01:24:34.820 --> 01:24:38.020
615, Nashville dinner and friends for singles.

1672
01:24:38.020 --> 01:24:40.460
Focus on casual small group dinner experiences

1673
01:24:40.460 --> 01:24:41.660
in Franklin and Brentwood.

1674
01:24:41.660 --> 01:24:44.380
You guys, if you don't wanna do speed dating

1675
01:24:44.380 --> 01:24:47.260
and you don't want to like just do online dating,

1676
01:24:47.820 --> 01:24:49.420
they actually do things where they set you up

1677
01:24:49.420 --> 01:24:52.660
for dinner clubs with like five other strangers.

1678
01:24:52.660 --> 01:24:54.460
And it's so cool.

1679
01:24:54.460 --> 01:24:56.820
Atka dating, value-based.

1680
01:24:56.820 --> 01:25:00.060
Upcoming 2026 events, intelligent single.

1681
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:04.500
Mixer, Single Spring Fling, National Single Mixer,

1682
01:25:04.500 --> 01:25:07.240
Speed Dating, Soar Adventures,

1683
01:25:07.240 --> 01:25:09.740
Volunteer Food Groups, Line Dancing.

1684
01:25:09.740 --> 01:25:13.040
Like literally, so you want it all.

1685
01:25:13.040 --> 01:25:15.720
So if you're like, so this will help you girl.

1686
01:25:15.720 --> 01:25:17.560
If you feel like the online dating

1687
01:25:17.560 --> 01:25:19.520
is not getting you to anything,

1688
01:25:19.520 --> 01:25:22.480
like Google events and adventures

1689
01:25:22.480 --> 01:25:25.860
and activities for singles in my area.

1690
01:25:26.720 --> 01:25:28.580
And that's another thing.

1691
01:25:28.580 --> 01:25:29.420
Go ahead.

1692
01:25:30.220 --> 01:25:34.060
I live in a town of 2,000.

1693
01:25:34.060 --> 01:25:37.540
And then to get a little bit bigger is an hour away.

1694
01:25:37.540 --> 01:25:40.740
To get a little bit bigger is two hours away.

1695
01:25:41.860 --> 01:25:42.860
There's not much.

1696
01:25:45.100 --> 01:25:50.100
So what is the biggest city near you?

1697
01:25:53.860 --> 01:25:55.300
What state are you in?

1698
01:25:55.360 --> 01:25:57.320
How far do you live?

1699
01:25:57.320 --> 01:25:58.400
I'm in Oklahoma.

1700
01:25:59.840 --> 01:26:02.520
Way down on the, yeah.

1701
01:26:03.440 --> 01:26:04.280
How far?

1702
01:26:04.280 --> 01:26:05.120
Not anywhere near Oklahoma City.

1703
01:26:05.120 --> 01:26:07.240
It's about three hours from Oklahoma City.

1704
01:26:08.880 --> 01:26:11.120
All right, well then you might need to do,

1705
01:26:11.120 --> 01:26:13.240
you might need to be able to,

1706
01:26:13.240 --> 01:26:15.280
you might have to do adventures

1707
01:26:15.280 --> 01:26:17.760
that's gonna get you in the car and drive a few hours.

1708
01:26:17.760 --> 01:26:20.520
That's like an all day fun activity.

1709
01:26:20.520 --> 01:26:22.600
You might have to do cruises.

1710
01:26:22.600 --> 01:26:24.840
You might have to look for,

1711
01:26:25.820 --> 01:26:26.700
when you're going online,

1712
01:26:26.700 --> 01:26:28.780
you might have to widen your search.

1713
01:26:31.100 --> 01:26:34.020
You might just have to go on some girls trips,

1714
01:26:34.020 --> 01:26:37.540
get some girlfriends and go someplace where a city is.

1715
01:26:37.540 --> 01:26:39.460
You might need to be willing to move.

1716
01:26:41.500 --> 01:26:44.540
And so those things might be working against you.

1717
01:26:44.540 --> 01:26:45.900
It is not impossible,

1718
01:26:45.900 --> 01:26:48.600
but it might be working against you just a little bit.

1719
01:26:50.540 --> 01:26:51.520
Yes, ma'am.

1720
01:26:51.520 --> 01:26:52.660
No, you got it, girl.

1721
01:26:53.520 --> 01:26:56.200
I'm too young for you to be calling me ma'am.

1722
01:26:56.200 --> 01:26:58.060
I know it's just how you were raised.

1723
01:26:59.680 --> 01:27:01.840
Okay, Kalandra.

1724
01:27:01.840 --> 01:27:04.080
And I'm gonna take Kalandra and Natasha,

1725
01:27:04.080 --> 01:27:05.920
and then we're gonna wrap up the night.

1726
01:27:05.920 --> 01:27:08.240
And let me just close that spam call.

1727
01:27:08.240 --> 01:27:09.060
Okay.

1728
01:27:12.560 --> 01:27:13.400
Hi.

1729
01:27:13.400 --> 01:27:14.880
Hi.

1730
01:27:14.880 --> 01:27:16.240
My question is,

1731
01:27:16.240 --> 01:27:18.440
I'm trying to be more direct and upfront

1732
01:27:18.440 --> 01:27:19.600
and boundaries oriented.

1733
01:27:19.600 --> 01:27:22.600
And lately I've seen a gentleman twice,

1734
01:27:23.380 --> 01:27:24.860
but it's been like over four months

1735
01:27:24.860 --> 01:27:26.700
and we only live 30 minutes apart.

1736
01:27:26.700 --> 01:27:28.820
And even before our first meeting,

1737
01:27:28.820 --> 01:27:30.500
I confronted him because we had a phone call.

1738
01:27:30.500 --> 01:27:31.900
I said, okay, well, when are we meeting?

1739
01:27:31.900 --> 01:27:33.140
He's like, oh, I've just been busy.

1740
01:27:33.140 --> 01:27:34.260
I've been busy.

1741
01:27:34.260 --> 01:27:35.180
I called it off.

1742
01:27:35.180 --> 01:27:36.020
He apologized.

1743
01:27:36.020 --> 01:27:37.100
He's like, please give me a chance.

1744
01:27:37.100 --> 01:27:38.380
He came to see me.

1745
01:27:38.380 --> 01:27:39.300
He was really nice.

1746
01:27:39.300 --> 01:27:40.220
I saw him a second time,

1747
01:27:40.220 --> 01:27:43.300
but he did it again for another month and a half.

1748
01:27:43.300 --> 01:27:45.120
And I cut it off.

1749
01:27:45.120 --> 01:27:47.420
I said, listen, like, I appreciate you.

1750
01:27:47.420 --> 01:27:50.500
Like, I appreciate you, but I'm not interested.

1751
01:27:50.500 --> 01:27:52.220
I'm not on your marketing list.

1752
01:27:52.800 --> 01:27:54.160
I've had men fly me places

1753
01:27:54.160 --> 01:27:55.760
and I don't say that to be arrogant,

1754
01:27:55.760 --> 01:27:59.240
but when a man wants a woman, he makes effort.

1755
01:27:59.240 --> 01:28:01.200
And I gave him when I'm available.

1756
01:28:01.200 --> 01:28:04.040
Wait, Kalandra, is that what you said to him?

1757
01:28:04.040 --> 01:28:04.880
Yeah.

1758
01:28:04.880 --> 01:28:07.320
Okay, I'm gonna stop you for a second.

1759
01:28:07.320 --> 01:28:09.560
You should not be confronting a man

1760
01:28:09.560 --> 01:28:11.560
you've only been on a couple of dates with

1761
01:28:11.560 --> 01:28:13.480
and you don't need to be saying that.

1762
01:28:13.480 --> 01:28:18.480
So asking for what you need comes with confidence,

1763
01:28:18.500 --> 01:28:23.500
with confidence, soft, feminine energy and clarity.

1764
01:28:23.620 --> 01:28:26.280
You actually use the word confront.

1765
01:28:26.280 --> 01:28:30.180
So I promise you, when you come off with confront energy

1766
01:28:30.180 --> 01:28:33.580
to somebody that you don't know that well,

1767
01:28:33.580 --> 01:28:34.980
he's gonna back up.

1768
01:28:34.980 --> 01:28:37.700
So you don't have to confront anybody.

1769
01:28:37.700 --> 01:28:40.280
You're gonna say with clarity, like, hey, you know,

1770
01:28:40.280 --> 01:28:42.780
and don't throw the, this is what men used to do.

1771
01:28:42.780 --> 01:28:44.420
They used to fly me around first.

1772
01:28:44.420 --> 01:28:45.540
That just, it's obnoxious.

1773
01:28:45.540 --> 01:28:46.380
I can see that.

1774
01:28:46.380 --> 01:28:47.500
I can see that.

1775
01:28:47.720 --> 01:28:49.540
I just immediately got cringe.

1776
01:28:50.920 --> 01:28:53.400
Like, and I don't even go on the two dates with you.

1777
01:28:53.400 --> 01:28:54.440
And I know you're amazing.

1778
01:28:54.440 --> 01:28:55.800
And look at, you have this great smile.

1779
01:28:55.800 --> 01:28:57.440
So I don't want you to blow it for yourself.

1780
01:28:57.440 --> 01:28:58.280
Falling dirty.

1781
01:28:58.280 --> 01:28:59.840
You're gonna just say to somebody like,

1782
01:28:59.840 --> 01:29:00.680
hey, you know what?

1783
01:29:00.680 --> 01:29:02.280
It's really not that hard.

1784
01:29:02.280 --> 01:29:03.600
I wanna date somebody

1785
01:29:03.600 --> 01:29:06.280
who's got time, intention and purpose.

1786
01:29:06.280 --> 01:29:07.120
Yeah.

1787
01:29:07.120 --> 01:29:09.280
And if that's not you, that's okay.

1788
01:29:09.280 --> 01:29:11.160
That's what I'm looking for.

1789
01:29:11.160 --> 01:29:12.960
And if they say, give me another chance,

1790
01:29:12.960 --> 01:29:14.760
actually I already gave you one.

1791
01:29:14.760 --> 01:29:15.860
So it's a no for now.

1792
01:29:16.860 --> 01:29:18.000
And it's that simple.

1793
01:29:18.000 --> 01:29:21.200
So I think you can achieve the same thing

1794
01:29:21.200 --> 01:29:23.200
with that softer feminine energy.

1795
01:29:23.200 --> 01:29:24.040
Yeah.

1796
01:29:24.040 --> 01:29:25.040
Yeah.

1797
01:29:25.040 --> 01:29:26.760
So it doesn't sound like somebody

1798
01:29:26.760 --> 01:29:28.840
you need to give your time.

1799
01:29:28.840 --> 01:29:32.360
But my concern is if you take that energy

1800
01:29:32.360 --> 01:29:34.320
in any other dating capacity,

1801
01:29:34.320 --> 01:29:35.160
do you know what I mean?

1802
01:29:35.160 --> 01:29:37.520
You might scare off a really good guy.

1803
01:29:37.520 --> 01:29:38.360
Yeah.

1804
01:29:38.360 --> 01:29:40.520
So that lesson is not just for you.

1805
01:29:40.520 --> 01:29:42.760
It's for other people here on the call too,

1806
01:29:42.760 --> 01:29:45.240
because we could all be guilty of that.

1807
01:29:46.360 --> 01:29:48.240
And so you've got a beautiful smile.

1808
01:29:48.240 --> 01:29:50.800
Blue's a good color for you.

1809
01:29:50.800 --> 01:29:51.640
And work shirt.

1810
01:29:52.800 --> 01:29:53.720
It's a work out shirt.

1811
01:29:53.720 --> 01:29:56.400
Ask for what, it's back to ask for what you need.

1812
01:29:56.400 --> 01:29:58.000
Say it with confidence and say,

1813
01:29:58.000 --> 01:30:00.040
hey, it's okay if this isn't you.

1814
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:04.520
If you don't have the time to date me right now, that's okay.

1815
01:30:04.520 --> 01:30:05.520
I want it.

1816
01:30:05.520 --> 01:30:08.160
I need to hold my time for people have time to date me.

1817
01:30:08.160 --> 01:30:09.160
Yeah.

1818
01:30:09.160 --> 01:30:10.160
That's fair.

1819
01:30:10.160 --> 01:30:11.160
Yeah.

1820
01:30:11.160 --> 01:30:12.160
Yeah.

1821
01:30:12.160 --> 01:30:13.160
I would have, I should have said that.

1822
01:30:13.160 --> 01:30:14.160
Well, it's okay.

1823
01:30:14.160 --> 01:30:15.520
When you know better, you do better.

1824
01:30:15.520 --> 01:30:16.520
Right.

1825
01:30:16.520 --> 01:30:17.520
Maya Angelou.

1826
01:30:17.520 --> 01:30:18.600
You know, when you know better, you do better.

1827
01:30:18.600 --> 01:30:21.680
And so I want to be nice, but, but good boundaries.

1828
01:30:21.680 --> 01:30:22.680
And I think I struggle.

1829
01:30:22.680 --> 01:30:26.240
It's just like too much versus too soft, like girl.

1830
01:30:26.240 --> 01:30:27.240
And I get it.

1831
01:30:27.240 --> 01:30:33.840
I think for all of us, we think boundary means like, like it, you can say, you can ask for

1832
01:30:33.840 --> 01:30:38.640
your boundary softly, but firmly, it doesn't need to be loud.

1833
01:30:38.640 --> 01:30:40.640
It doesn't need to be bold.

1834
01:30:40.640 --> 01:30:44.040
It doesn't need to be obnoxious and it doesn't need to be threatening.

1835
01:30:44.040 --> 01:30:47.240
My boundary is this, you know, I just don't do phone calls right away.

1836
01:30:47.240 --> 01:30:50.800
I just don't do, you know, I don't do sex before marriage.

1837
01:30:50.800 --> 01:30:54.080
I don't like to drink anymore.

1838
01:30:54.080 --> 01:30:55.600
That's just, that's my boundary.

1839
01:30:55.600 --> 01:30:56.840
Like I don't have to explain it.

1840
01:30:57.440 --> 01:30:58.440
You don't have to like it.

1841
01:30:58.440 --> 01:30:59.680
It's just kind of where I'm at.

1842
01:30:59.680 --> 01:31:01.920
You know, I need somebody who's got a faith with the Lord.

1843
01:31:01.920 --> 01:31:04.320
And so it, whatever those boundaries are.

1844
01:31:04.320 --> 01:31:06.160
So you're asking a really good question.

1845
01:31:06.160 --> 01:31:09.600
Cause I think we all feel like we need to defend our boundaries.

1846
01:31:09.600 --> 01:31:11.120
Like it's our life.

1847
01:31:11.120 --> 01:31:13.800
And it's like, it's not a war.

1848
01:31:13.800 --> 01:31:15.000
They're your boundary.

1849
01:31:15.000 --> 01:31:16.000
You own it.

1850
01:31:16.000 --> 01:31:17.000
You feel good about it.

1851
01:31:17.000 --> 01:31:19.440
And your answer is just no.

1852
01:31:19.440 --> 01:31:20.440
Well why?

1853
01:31:20.440 --> 01:31:21.440
Give me another chance.

1854
01:31:21.440 --> 01:31:22.440
Again, it's back to that.

1855
01:31:22.440 --> 01:31:23.440
Adults make statements.

1856
01:31:23.440 --> 01:31:24.440
Children explains.

1857
01:31:24.440 --> 01:31:25.440
Yeah.

1858
01:31:25.440 --> 01:31:28.320
So it's easy for us to start feeling like we need to explain ourselves.

1859
01:31:28.320 --> 01:31:30.040
Like we all fall back into it.

1860
01:31:30.040 --> 01:31:31.760
That's just my answer today.

1861
01:31:31.760 --> 01:31:32.760
Well, why?

1862
01:31:32.760 --> 01:31:33.760
And this is my answer today.

1863
01:31:33.760 --> 01:31:34.760
That's good.

1864
01:31:34.760 --> 01:31:35.760
That's just my answer today.

1865
01:31:35.760 --> 01:31:36.760
All right.

1866
01:31:36.760 --> 01:31:37.760
That's good.

1867
01:31:37.760 --> 01:31:38.760
I'm glad you asked me.

1868
01:31:38.760 --> 01:31:39.760
Natasha.

1869
01:31:39.760 --> 01:31:46.720
And by the way, I want to say Kalandra, once you, I bet you everybody can agree with me.

1870
01:31:46.720 --> 01:31:52.440
Once you laughed and you softened it, your whole energy on that call changed.

1871
01:31:52.440 --> 01:31:53.480
Everyone's nodding their head.

1872
01:31:53.520 --> 01:31:55.560
Your whole energy changed.

1873
01:31:55.560 --> 01:31:58.280
Like you kind of sounded a little bitchy in the front end.

1874
01:31:58.280 --> 01:32:00.200
I'm just going to, right.

1875
01:32:00.200 --> 01:32:03.860
And like, and then you just like, you just immediately softened.

1876
01:32:03.860 --> 01:32:07.520
So I know you have that soft energy and you guys, I'm just being blunt with some of you

1877
01:32:07.520 --> 01:32:13.160
tonight and I just love it because I'm watching real transformation because this is the thing

1878
01:32:13.160 --> 01:32:14.760
you guys are watching it happen.

1879
01:32:14.760 --> 01:32:17.320
You're like, wow, the energy does shift.

1880
01:32:17.320 --> 01:32:18.320
And think about it.

1881
01:32:18.320 --> 01:32:22.760
Your energy with us just shifted and there's like 73 people on the call right now and you're

1882
01:32:22.760 --> 01:32:24.360
in this tiny little box.

1883
01:32:24.360 --> 01:32:28.520
Could you imagine if you're in front of somebody, when you change that energy, what it'll do

1884
01:32:28.520 --> 01:32:29.840
on dates for you?

1885
01:32:29.840 --> 01:32:30.840
Awesome.

1886
01:32:30.840 --> 01:32:31.840
Okay.

1887
01:32:31.840 --> 01:32:32.840
Natasha, you're the last one.

1888
01:32:32.840 --> 01:32:33.840
Hi Renee.

1889
01:32:33.840 --> 01:32:34.840
How are you?

1890
01:32:34.840 --> 01:32:35.840
You good.

1891
01:32:35.840 --> 01:32:36.840
I'm good.

1892
01:32:36.840 --> 01:32:37.840
Good.

1893
01:32:37.840 --> 01:32:38.840
Good.

1894
01:32:38.840 --> 01:32:39.840
Okay.

1895
01:32:39.840 --> 01:32:40.840
So I know what my non-negotiables are.

1896
01:32:40.840 --> 01:32:47.840
I think I know what my non-negotiables are, which is I want someone who's spiritual.

1897
01:32:48.080 --> 01:32:52.760
I want someone who can intellectually stimulate me.

1898
01:32:52.760 --> 01:32:59.800
Yeah, because I mean, I'm analytical, I'm a clinical psychologist, I analyze everything.

1899
01:32:59.800 --> 01:33:07.120
But yeah, so, you know, having been practicing being in my, you know, kind of like that feminine

1900
01:33:07.120 --> 01:33:12.360
confidence and just being in my energy because I do think that I can be a force to be reckoned

1901
01:33:12.360 --> 01:33:13.360
with.

1902
01:33:13.360 --> 01:33:18.120
And I'm trying to kind of like, you know, be subtle around that.

1903
01:33:18.120 --> 01:33:23.960
But what I'm finding is like, I went to a singles event last week, for example, it was

1904
01:33:23.960 --> 01:33:25.880
Bingo Inventor.

1905
01:33:25.880 --> 01:33:30.760
And you know, so it's the mingling bit of it, you're walking around the room, you had

1906
01:33:30.760 --> 01:33:34.920
your bingo thing, and you had to just speak to a bunch of different strangers to try to

1907
01:33:34.920 --> 01:33:35.920
fill in your thing.

1908
01:33:35.920 --> 01:33:37.760
And I was able to do that quite well.

1909
01:33:37.760 --> 01:33:42.360
But it's very interesting, because once that was done, I went with two of my other girlfriends.

1910
01:33:42.360 --> 01:33:44.960
And once that was done, we're looking really cute.

1911
01:33:44.960 --> 01:33:50.560
We're standing there, you know, looking, smiling, you know, looking all presentable.

1912
01:33:50.560 --> 01:33:54.800
But it's interesting that we didn't have anyone, any guys come up to talk to us.

1913
01:33:54.800 --> 01:33:58.600
The guys that came up to talk to us were other guys that we've been on other single events

1914
01:33:58.600 --> 01:34:01.000
with, and we've been friends by then.

1915
01:34:01.000 --> 01:34:02.680
So we're all sitting there talking.

1916
01:34:02.680 --> 01:34:03.680
So it's just...

1917
01:34:03.680 --> 01:34:04.680
Okay, so you want to tell me?

1918
01:34:04.680 --> 01:34:07.560
So I'm going to tell you what energy you're giving me, girl.

1919
01:34:07.560 --> 01:34:08.560
Okay.

1920
01:34:08.560 --> 01:34:09.560
So you're super smart.

1921
01:34:09.560 --> 01:34:14.040
Denise is like center stage on my screen today.

1922
01:34:14.040 --> 01:34:19.240
Okay, so you're super smart, and you got this really cool accent, I've got to really pay

1923
01:34:19.240 --> 01:34:20.840
attention to you.

1924
01:34:20.840 --> 01:34:26.760
So I'm going to ask you to soften that with either your clothing or your hair.

1925
01:34:26.760 --> 01:34:27.760
Yeah.

1926
01:34:27.760 --> 01:34:33.240
Like, take your hair down, and or have more of a vibrant shirt on.

1927
01:34:33.240 --> 01:34:34.240
You want to make...

1928
01:34:34.240 --> 01:34:35.800
So guys still want fun.

1929
01:34:35.800 --> 01:34:38.520
They want smart, but they also want fun.

1930
01:34:38.520 --> 01:34:42.520
Remember like Jackie gave that divine feminine and masculinist?

1931
01:34:42.520 --> 01:34:46.720
The number one thing men want, well, it's up there in the top five, is they want fun.

1932
01:34:46.720 --> 01:34:48.440
They want to have fun with you.

1933
01:34:48.440 --> 01:34:50.720
So you look like a smart badass.

1934
01:34:50.720 --> 01:34:52.320
And so I'd be afraid to come talk to you.

1935
01:34:52.320 --> 01:34:53.320
You would just...

1936
01:34:53.320 --> 01:34:56.320
I'm a sociologist, and I'm like, well, fine, but I'm not wearing like...

1937
01:34:56.320 --> 01:34:57.320
Okay.

1938
01:34:57.320 --> 01:34:58.320
Okay.

1939
01:34:58.320 --> 01:34:59.320
Do you have a top on underneath that jacket?

1940
01:34:59.320 --> 01:34:59.320


1941
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:05.000
Oh my gosh, okay, now we're talking.

1942
01:35:05.080 --> 01:35:06.960
And you got a little bosom there.

1943
01:35:06.960 --> 01:35:08.480
Okay, now we're talking.

1944
01:35:08.480 --> 01:35:11.440
Now you just softened up the frame just a little bit.

1945
01:35:11.440 --> 01:35:15.120
Okay, now I wanna come up and talk to you, girlfriend.

1946
01:35:15.120 --> 01:35:20.120
See, okay, so when you go be smart, take off that blazer

1947
01:35:20.120 --> 01:35:23.160
because your smart's already gonna be oozing out of you.

1948
01:35:23.160 --> 01:35:25.180
So if you're stupid, put the blazer on,

1949
01:35:25.180 --> 01:35:26.600
so you'll look smarter.

1950
01:35:26.600 --> 01:35:27.440
So-

1951
01:35:27.440 --> 01:35:31.600
I try wearing dresses more, so I wear dresses more.

1952
01:35:31.600 --> 01:35:34.400
I look feminine, make myself look feminine

1953
01:35:34.400 --> 01:35:36.480
because my hair is short, so.

1954
01:35:36.480 --> 01:35:39.940
Okay, exactly, so here's the thing.

1955
01:35:39.940 --> 01:35:43.480
You present like a doctorate professor,

1956
01:35:43.480 --> 01:35:45.320
like that's your presentation.

1957
01:35:45.320 --> 01:35:47.800
So you can't just wear a dress.

1958
01:35:47.800 --> 01:35:50.400
You have to almost wear the dress that you got at Target,

1959
01:35:50.400 --> 01:35:53.320
like something that's fun and flirty,

1960
01:35:53.320 --> 01:35:56.080
not like a dress you got at Talbot's.

1961
01:35:56.080 --> 01:35:57.280
You know what I'm saying?

1962
01:35:58.120 --> 01:36:01.840
Like, and look at, you're laughing now.

1963
01:36:01.840 --> 01:36:03.400
Y'all, was she laughing like that

1964
01:36:03.400 --> 01:36:04.400
at the beginning of the call?

1965
01:36:04.400 --> 01:36:07.000
No, she just looked smart.

1966
01:36:07.000 --> 01:36:07.920
She just looked smart.

1967
01:36:07.920 --> 01:36:09.360
You see, we got you laughing.

1968
01:36:09.360 --> 01:36:11.180
Do you guys, I mean, I know we're kind of laughing,

1969
01:36:11.180 --> 01:36:13.400
but do you see how the energy kind of really shifts?

1970
01:36:13.400 --> 01:36:16.120
Now I wanna come talk to you.

1971
01:36:16.120 --> 01:36:17.720
So do that.

1972
01:36:19.280 --> 01:36:20.120
Hold.

1973
01:36:20.120 --> 01:36:21.360
Do that.

1974
01:36:21.360 --> 01:36:22.200
Do that.

1975
01:36:22.200 --> 01:36:25.840
Don't be afraid to have silly in your smart.

1976
01:36:25.840 --> 01:36:27.680
Let the silly go into your smart.

1977
01:36:27.680 --> 01:36:28.520
I love it.

1978
01:36:28.520 --> 01:36:30.000
And I'm like that,

1979
01:36:30.000 --> 01:36:31.920
because people actually find me quite funny,

1980
01:36:31.920 --> 01:36:34.200
because on one of the, on the same night,

1981
01:36:34.200 --> 01:36:36.960
I spoke to this guy and he actually said to me,

1982
01:36:36.960 --> 01:36:39.960
you know, we spoke twice and I cracked a joke about,

1983
01:36:39.960 --> 01:36:43.320
he said, I was like, oh, on the finger card,

1984
01:36:43.320 --> 01:36:45.720
I said to him, oh, did you run?

1985
01:36:45.720 --> 01:36:47.680
And then he's like, do I look like I run?

1986
01:36:47.680 --> 01:36:48.880
Then I looked at him, I'm like, no,

1987
01:36:48.880 --> 01:36:50.880
but you look like you go to the gym.

1988
01:36:50.880 --> 01:36:52.080
And we had a bit of a laugh.

1989
01:36:52.080 --> 01:36:53.680
So later on, I saw him, I'm like,

1990
01:36:53.680 --> 01:36:54.880
I see you running around.

1991
01:36:54.880 --> 01:36:56.840
He's like, he laughed with me and he says,

1992
01:36:56.840 --> 01:36:57.680
you're so funny.

1993
01:36:57.680 --> 01:36:58.520
I'm like, bang.

1994
01:36:58.520 --> 01:37:01.600
And then he gave me a cheers and then you walked away.

1995
01:37:01.600 --> 01:37:05.320
You know, so I can have that banter.

1996
01:37:05.320 --> 01:37:06.960
I know that I can.

1997
01:37:06.960 --> 01:37:07.800
But yeah, you can.

1998
01:37:07.800 --> 01:37:09.720
You pulled it out in less than 30,

1999
01:37:09.720 --> 01:37:12.080
you pulled it out in less than 30 seconds.

2000
01:37:12.080 --> 01:37:14.760
You pulled it, you pulled it out with us really fast.

2001
01:37:15.760 --> 01:37:17.560
So you just wanna make sure

2002
01:37:17.560 --> 01:37:18.840
when you're in those environments,

2003
01:37:18.840 --> 01:37:21.040
y'all aren't staying in your head.

2004
01:37:21.040 --> 01:37:24.280
And so now I wanna come hang out with you guys.

2005
01:37:24.320 --> 01:37:25.320
This was so much fun tonight.

2006
01:37:25.320 --> 01:37:27.920
We went seven minutes over, don't kill me.

2007
01:37:27.920 --> 01:37:30.040
All right, I'm gonna close this out in prayer.

2008
01:37:30.040 --> 01:37:32.560
I hope that you all had fun.

2009
01:37:32.560 --> 01:37:33.920
I promise next month,

2010
01:37:33.920 --> 01:37:36.040
we're always gonna bring the fun in the fire.

2011
01:37:36.040 --> 01:37:38.560
And if you're asking stupid questions in the Facebook feed,

2012
01:37:38.560 --> 01:37:40.120
I'm gonna pay attention and write it down

2013
01:37:40.120 --> 01:37:42.000
and we're gonna cover it.

2014
01:37:42.000 --> 01:37:44.160
I'm kidding, there's no stupid questions.

2015
01:37:44.160 --> 01:37:46.240
And I'm glad that you guys are asking the questions

2016
01:37:46.240 --> 01:37:48.040
because I'd rather you ask questions,

2017
01:37:48.040 --> 01:37:49.720
even if they seem like, oh my gosh,

2018
01:37:49.720 --> 01:37:51.680
why are they asking that question still?

2019
01:37:51.680 --> 01:37:55.440
I'd rather you do that so we can keep underscoring

2020
01:37:55.440 --> 01:37:56.560
what health looks like.

2021
01:37:56.560 --> 01:37:57.400
All right, Father God,

2022
01:37:57.400 --> 01:37:59.400
we just thank you so much for this time together.

2023
01:37:59.400 --> 01:38:01.880
We are so grateful that you love us.

2024
01:38:01.880 --> 01:38:03.400
You love all your sons and daughters

2025
01:38:03.400 --> 01:38:05.160
and that you have a perfect person.

2026
01:38:05.160 --> 01:38:07.440
That's not perfect, but perfect for us.

2027
01:38:07.440 --> 01:38:10.800
And so Father God, we hand you all of our non-negotiables

2028
01:38:10.800 --> 01:38:13.960
and we just say, Father God, just present that person to us.

2029
01:38:13.960 --> 01:38:17.240
And Father God, in any area of our life that we need growth,

2030
01:38:17.240 --> 01:38:19.080
in any area that we need to release,

2031
01:38:19.080 --> 01:38:20.520
that we just go ahead and do that.

2032
01:38:20.560 --> 01:38:22.520
And in any area that people are stuck,

2033
01:38:22.520 --> 01:38:24.560
Father God, I want breakthrough.

2034
01:38:24.560 --> 01:38:26.280
I'm just feeling that word breakthrough.

2035
01:38:26.280 --> 01:38:28.480
There are people in this call that need breakthrough

2036
01:38:28.480 --> 01:38:30.920
in a couple of areas of their life, including dating.

2037
01:38:30.920 --> 01:38:33.480
So Father God, I want you to bring the divine thing

2038
01:38:33.480 --> 01:38:35.880
that's gonna give the breakthrough that they need.

2039
01:38:35.880 --> 01:38:38.240
We lift all of this up in the precious name of Jesus.

2040
01:38:38.240 --> 01:38:41.360
And I'm sorry, my S's and my N's aren't coming out tonight.

2041
01:38:41.360 --> 01:38:42.200
I already warned you,

2042
01:38:42.200 --> 01:38:44.480
I can't talk with this damn thing in my mouth.

2043
01:38:44.480 --> 01:38:45.680
All right, I love you guys so much.

2044
01:38:45.680 --> 01:38:46.760
See you soon.