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Hi everyone. Greetings from Norway. I thought, I don't know if you can see this, but it's snowing in Norway today.

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It's full on snow in the park and in the streets. It's so beautiful. Everything, it's been like lashing down, coming down all day.

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And now it's all covered in snow. And yeah, it just makes me happy.

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So I want to just show that, that it's snowing here. And yeah, it reminds me that it's Christmas soon.

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And yes, this is my journey sharing. And I've had, last week and this week has been really, really tough.

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I've been stretched so to the max and actually felt like I was in a bit in a, not in a dark place, but just in a frozen position.

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I don't know if you guys know how that feels like. And just for the whole week, like being, I don't know.

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You know how we sometimes tend to fight or flight, the fight or flight.

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I wasn't fighting or I wasn't fleeing, but I was just frozen, just frozen and just so overwhelmed.

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Like I shared, we shared some very deep and personal things with the church and invited them into doing relationship the kingdom way.

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But I was using my own life as example and my own brokenness. And it cost me a lot to be open and broken from the stage like that.

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And then what felt like an attack coming from one of the brothers in the church in an open chat, it just escalated.

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And the pastor got involved and the leaders got involved and it was a huge misunderstanding.

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And then this brother, which is a really great guy, great heart said that it was all this big misunderstanding,

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but then we didn't understand why he would come at it that way.

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So a lot of people got affected and hurt by it because so many people interpreted what he said, including me as criticism.

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And I think also the devil wanted to use it to bring this unity.

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And also it's so important that you talk about openness and brokenness within the church and healing and relationship.

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So it's an area where the devil really doesn't want freedom in the church.

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And then also experiencing rejection with friends that just happened and complications in relationships that I've gone through that just totally blew up and hit me in my soft spots.

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And also at work where I had a talk with Ashley and said that you need to choose yourself first with having students in the Chinese class being disrespectful and out of control.

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And I was wanting to really do it not in an old way with just love and discipline, which has usually worked, which is a good thing.

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But kind of just more going to the root of why they're reacting and trying to build them up and see them as God sees them.

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But I was just dreading the whole thing and confronting them.

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So there was just so many things that hit home last week.

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And I actually found myself at a really hard place, like so frozen emotionally.

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And also I was like, this is really interesting, I thought, because this is actually why I wanted to do the rest intensive, because I want out of stress.

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I want out of living and ending up like this.

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And it felt familiar.

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It's like this has happened to me many times in my life where I end up either fight or flight or totally frozen.

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And what happens is that you kind of become a victim in your own mind and bitterness that you're not aware of is coming up.

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Because I was thinking and feeling, why does this always happen to me?

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Why do I end up here?

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And also the feeling like what has happened before in my life is that I walked in faith and situation like this and ended up God doing huge things in it and through me.

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But I was devastated.

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So even though I went in faith and God came through and amazing things happened, I would still be in stress or end up in anxiety or depression.

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So with that in mind and that an experience, it's felt like almost like God used me in a way.

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Because it brought freedom and amazing things in people's lives and in my own life and into the situation.

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So it felt like, oh God just wants to use you.

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use you for who you are and what you can do and when you're walking in faith so I

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would be the one kind of hurting in it or end up feeling that I was used even

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though it was amazing godly things that were happening and that feeling just

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came back like I thought oh my gosh I can't believe this is probably gonna end

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up being great and God's gonna do miracles through this in the church but

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it's gonna be on my expense because I'm the one that is speaking up and teaching

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and and they're being broken about my life so the same and I was thinking and

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that's what hit me last night I was thinking oh my gosh this is a victim

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mentality I'm totally being a victim here thinking like oh it's happening to

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me again and God's gonna use it and I'll be in pain afterwards and actually

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seeing myself as someone that God is using and in a way it's like almost like

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it feeling of being yeah used in a negative way and I was just and I don't

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know I was thinking maybe Ashley was praying for me or maybe it was like she

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was speaking to my spirit I don't know what happened but after a week of being

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in this I last night actually saw the victim mentality and like a deeper layer

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of bitterness underneath against this brother in the church and against the

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the students that I have and something rose up in my spirit or maybe it was my

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spirit that rose above the soul and all my feelings and the flesh I don't know

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what happened but something rose in me and I was feeling very strongly inside

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of me like no I can have rest in this I don't have to live in this I don't have

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to have a horrible week it's a very busy week and I this doesn't have to happen

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all over again where I end up in a desperate situation where I just have to

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survive where I just am being used and things are where I end up being a victim

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that this just happens to me and that thing that rose in me kind of overcame

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the emotions and I was like I can have rest this is gonna be a great week I am

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gonna and I went and I talked to the students and I affirmed them and said

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that I believed in them and that I cared and I tried to build them up and at the

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same time I set boundaries that I was telling them this is not okay and this

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is not healthy and this and this I'm not gonna allow in my class so and also in

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the situations in the church I was thinking what if I was totally healed

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healed and free and totally loved by God and if that was my identity how would I

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respond to my brother and I started to and I decided to act out of that and

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seeing him and in that was that I thought what if that was true then I

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would trust him I would trust his word that it's a misunderstanding and I would

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have lots and lots of grace on him and I would love him and I would reconnect

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with him that's what I would do if I was fully healed and free and I am and then

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I realized I am even though I don't feel like that I am fully healed and free so

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I can affirm him and love him and just believe the best of everything that he

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said and also about my students and this other situations and that just brought a

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lot of freedom last night and today and yeah so now I feel a lot of freedom and

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just thinking maybe going through this because this is like I said a point

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that where I've been in several times in my life where you end up being the

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victim and things are just happening to you as if it's like you're just laying

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there and they're just coming all over you and then I'm like no this time it's

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not gonna happen even if it's like in a desperate time in my life I'm gonna

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stand in this and I'm gonna believe who God says I am and these people in my

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life are and my students and I'm gonna believe what he says about my identity

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so today tonight

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We just moved in, me and my friend, we bought an apartment, and we moved into an apartment here.

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And tonight we just invited all our neighbors in the section, 18 apartments, and we have no idea who's living in most of them.

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We just invited them for a party tonight, and we'll see who shows up.

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And I don't know, I just feel excited about living from my identity and bringing Christ to them and to everyone else in the church.

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And my students.

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Yeah, so I just wanted to share that.

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Thanks so much for listening.

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I don't know, I hope this wasn't too long.

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And yeah, so that was a little bit from Norway and from this, yeah, from my hometown with snow.

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And hope you all have, you have a great time before Christmas and see you guys later.