WEBVTT

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Thank you.

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Hey.

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Hi.

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How are you?

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I'm so funny I forgot that I forgot to get the right zoom meeting I was on the wrong.

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Yeah, I was on the on the one that, because what I did is I put the fireside chat and the rest group for the and all on the same same as zoom link, but then I left the international one at three o'clock I left that one to be the old rest

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that was on a separate link. Anyway, the reason you have to do it like that is because you can't do it you can repeat the same zoom link at the every day at the same time, but I you can't do it twice in one day.

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So, since this is at three o'clock.

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I can't also have the same link work for nine o'clock that night.

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Unless I do like a, like the personal meeting room or whatever anyway point is, I had to have it separate and I completely forgot so I was on the other one I'm like, I know it's like where are they and I'm like, I'm in the wrong room.

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How are you, how have you been.

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Well, I don't know, did you see my last journey share.

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I don't know when did you post it. I think I posted it a day ago.

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Oh, darn. Then no I didn't I thought I checked it.

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I thought I checked it yesterday but maybe I checked it the day before yesterday and no one had posted anything for a few days so anyway no I guess I didn't know, I think I posted it a day wasn't yesterday morning so maybe.

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Okay.

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Okay, yeah I guess I haven't.

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Telling her about my journey show your post. Yeah.

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Well I'm gone. Yeah, I just I just, I just thought today, so I would have called you if not. Yeah.

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I was like, Oh no.

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Are you feeling better.

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Well, I kind of, I kind of like I'm telling on the journey share is that I'm, I've been struggling quite a bit with I guess

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and just feeling like nothing's working and a bit scared of becoming burnt out like I was this summer.

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And what I think there's a lot of reasons for it, but I think that learning to live and rest is like, I'm learn, I do it.

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And then I fall out of it.

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And sometimes also learning to live and rest becomes a task.

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Like, oh I want to get at this, or I have to sometimes become like a striving or I'm not in rest, I should be in rest.

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You know, so that I can tell like I'm passing through things and rest, and then it can go a couple of hours and then all in stress again.

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And then you have to kind of do it all over again or. Yeah, so I think, I think I've been feeling really hopeless, and also there's happened so many things the last months, and that you know some of it.

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We don't live in the same city, we don't get to talk as much, but I also, you know some of it, but actually, you know all the things that happened before Christmas with relationships and a lot of stress at work, and also very heavy spiritual climate at school with a lot of darkness.

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And I'm now also exciting things like things that still requires a lot of night like to do the five Facebook lives took a lot of took a lot of energy because I was going against the fear of man, and I was putting myself out there and I was sharing something deeply that was huge, even

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how do you handle that I was totally unprepared to handle criticism. You could have done like we're not as a cooking show.

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That's the next thing. But then and also you're sharing something very personal and intimate, and I felt like I was supposed to do it and it was a lot of joy doing it, but also, it cost me a lot.

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And then in two weeks all these crazy things happened with the singing suddenly I was conducting a choir of 90 and I haven't conducted for 15 years.

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10 years probably, like nothing.

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And like I was put on a spot like that

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and that was like a lot of work, extra work.

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And then I was asked to be part of leading worship

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in a corporate worship for the whole city,

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which kind of a big thing with a full band

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and me as the one of two singers.

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So it's also a lot of responsibility

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and it's a lot of like singing in the spirit.

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It's not just, oh, you come up there and you sing.

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It's kind of require, it's kind of expected

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that you come up with songs on the spot like that

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in the spirit and like lead out spiritually.

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It's very like prophetic worship.

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It's very like, it's not like,

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oh, let's sing these three songs.

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It's like, what is the spirit saying?

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And you sing it out.

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And I'm just not used to like, kind of like Bethel,

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this kind of like coming up.

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I'm like, that's the only way I lead worship.

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Yeah.

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I don't like, I do be in the spirit quite a bit,

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but it's like, but just to come up with spots like that

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in a corporate worship for the whole city,

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it's kind of, and then I was asked to sing in the cathedral

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like back in Domshirke, which is crazy.

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It's like a crazy God thing that this lady felt led to do,

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like have a concert.

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Then it's me and she's the lead main singer.

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And then there's me and two other vocalists.

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So we're only four people, four girls.

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And I'm gonna be singing.

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She's asked me to sing solo on some of the things

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and also to back her up in some things.

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And then there's a full band

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and that's gonna happen in three weeks.

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We have a concert in the cathedral

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in the second biggest city in Norway.

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It's like, even she is like,

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she doesn't know how this happened.

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And she just felt God tell her to ask me.

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She'd never heard me sing.

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She had no idea I was a singer.

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She didn't know.

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She knew I was a singer,

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but she didn't know if I could sing well.

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And she just felt like God tell her,

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you need to ask Conor to join this.

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And it's in three weeks.

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So, and then she found out I could sing.

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So she was happy, but-

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She's like, oh my God, the Lord knew what he was doing.

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But I kind of like,

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I don't know how to handle all these things

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because it's like,

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and then I've started this weight thing.

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There's, I don't know.

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I think I just had like a little tiny bit

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of a breakdown on Wednesday night.

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I think it was Wednesday.

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And I still feel my heart is not healed fully

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from the relationship things that happened.

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Some of the things haven't been restored.

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I still feel pain.

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And I also think that I wish I was further in rest

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or I was like handling things better

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or carrying all this new responsibility.

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And that I was carrying things at work

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and things there are thrown at me all the time

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from the leadership and then with the other teachers

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and challenging things with the students.

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And so it's like, I'm living in rest in some ways,

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but then I also am living in stress at the same time.

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And then this feeling of hopelessness

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just overcame me on Wednesday.

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And I was like,

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I know that there are a lot of things are better in my life.

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And I know that God has done a lot,

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but I don't know if you can recognize this, Ashley,

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the thing of like,

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maybe it's just a deeper layer of stress,

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like as if he's done something here,

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but then there's just something deeper now

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that's being touched because you're carrying more things

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or because you're ready for it

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or I just thought that,

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I just don't know why I suddenly felt so hopeless

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or even thought this isn't working.

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You know, you get all these thoughts, this doesn't work.

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And then I'm like, yes, I know it works,

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but it feels like it doesn't work.

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And I just feel hopeless

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and I don't know what to do anymore.

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So that's where I'm at.

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Yeah, we have a lot going on, a lot going on.

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So what you can do is,

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the good thing is that it's in times like this

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that you can take advantage of times like this by,

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because, sorry, I know I'm not articulating

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all of this very quickly or succinctly,

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but you can take advantage of times like this

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because it's when things are this hard,

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when your old modus operandi is to strive

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and to be very, very stressed and whatever,

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that you can make the most significant.

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can change during this time. In other words, you write a new record. So when you make a decision

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during the most stressful, the most difficult times, in other words, the times that are the

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most ingrained of an old belief system, if you make the decision in those times, it makes the,

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it's more powerful than if you make it at easier times or for lighter things or whatever.

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But the thing is, is it's just as hard as what it is that you're feeling. And it can be, I mean,

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so everything that it is that you're feeling is very normal. This is what God is saying that

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he wants us to not live in this kind of bondage. And he wants us to risk to be able to live in

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freedom instead. So that's all that it's doing is it's highlighting what our lives are like

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when we're not in rest and how hard that is, how isolating it is from the Lord. And he's saying,

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I offer something more, I offer something better. So that it's all that it's, it's all that it's

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highlighting is that you're living, you're living a very normal human existence and got that Jesus

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did as well. And God is like, Hey, there's another way to live this. I intended for Adam before he

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fell to live very, very differently than what you're currently experiencing, but what you're

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currently experiencing is the normal human experience since Adam fell. So, so you can feel

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very normal. It's not that anything is just like horribly wrong. It's that, that just highlights

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for you, the depravity and the, and the bondage that we're in without the Lord is that where's

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this feeling that we're, we're constantly trying to keep up. We're constantly trying to do the

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right thing. And there's all of these obstacles that are trying to thwart our success, you know,

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or there's so much that the Lord wants from me, you know, I've got to make sure I do all this

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right and whatever. So my point is that it's very, very normal, but it's, um, that there,

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what you can do is you can shift into rust in this time. And if you do that, it is the most

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powerfully effective time to do it, but it's extremely hard. It's extremely hard. It's not

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that it's complex. It's that is it's as hard as all of the agony that you're feeling, because

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here's what you have to do in order to shift into rust. You do it the same thing in this situation

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that you do in any other time, you know, you go through the rush shifting tools and all of that,

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you know, to kind of like help you. But what you're really having to do is you're having to

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choose God. And the fact that the results of what it is of all of your actions, in other words,

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the outcome of all of your actions about what it is, how it is that you practice and how it is

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that you do this, you know, the, the performance and work towards the cathedral and performance.

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And I don't know, juggle all of this stuff at school and, and, um, have to, um, face all of

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that, the darkness and all of that stuff. Um, the, um, you, um, the, I'm sorry, someone just

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came in and want to make sure I'm not anybody's way. I'm in somebody else's house. Um, and, um,

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but it's you, sorry, I lost my train of thought there, but the point was that I was saying that,

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um, you know, you've got all of these things that are causing a lot of stress. And so what you have

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to do is you have to choose, oh, this is where I was. You do is you have to choose that the outcome

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of all of your actions is in God's hands and not yours, because that's, what's creating the stress

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is you feel the responsibility for the outcome. You think, oh my goodness, but what if, and how

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am I going to fit it all in? And oh my goodness, I've got, I've got now my, my day is filled up

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with, or my week is filled up with so many more action points. And am I, are we going to be able

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to do it, you know, in time and, you know, and then how am I going to be able to juggle all these

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balls and be able to do everything well, so that the right thing happens as a result of everything

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it is that I'm doing. So that's where all of this stress is. The stress is in the concern of how,

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of, of what's going to happen as a result of all of the actions. So what you have to do is that

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thing, that outcome, the result, what happens, how it looks, what turns out, and how it turns out

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has to be given it completely to the Lord, where it's not your responsibility. It's not your

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burden. You don't have to figure it out. You don't have to make it happen. All that you do, God's

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responsible for it. And you actually have to give it to him. And you have to stop. You have to stop,

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not just feeling responsible.

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But you have to stop holding yourself responsible.

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And it feels weird because it will feel we're so used to holding responsibility in order

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to survive.

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We feel that if it doesn't include all of our exertion and all of our effort, then it

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won't happen.

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And that's bogus.

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It's God saying, no, I want you to entrust me with it and trust that I will make it happen.

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And without you needing to carry the responsibility of making it happen.

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So you just go through the actions.

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Once you've given it to the Lord, you're like, okay, Lord, then I'm just going to go through

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the actions.

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I'm going to just do what I need to do.

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But my actions are, I'm not going to allow my actions and what it is that I do to carry

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any kind of weight of what's going to happen because I'm doing these things.

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I'm just going to do these things.

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I'm going to go to the choir practices and then I'm just going to sing because I know

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how to sing.

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And then we stop periodically and they're like, okay, Renata, do this instead.

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I know that you did this in the last run, but do this instead.

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And then you just adjust.

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You don't be like, oh my goodness, I've got to make sure and oh my goodness.

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And then start getting smaller and tighter and more rigid.

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You just like, okay, fine.

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That's how they tell me to change it.

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I'll change it.

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And then you stop periodically because somebody else needs to be changed and they need to

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alter the drums or they need to alter the violin or they need to whatever.

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You just kind of allow everything to happen without wondering emotionally, how is this

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all going to work?

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And is this actually really going to be good?

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And how much more time is this going to take?

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00:16:45.520 --> 00:16:49.640
And am I actually really going to be good enough or whatever else it is I feel oppressed

221
00:16:49.640 --> 00:16:51.420
or burdened by?

222
00:16:51.420 --> 00:17:00.340
You actually just go through the process and trust that God is placed within you what the

223
00:17:00.340 --> 00:17:02.940
situation requires.

224
00:17:02.940 --> 00:17:09.900
And you just apply yourself without carrying the responsibility of what happens because

225
00:17:09.900 --> 00:17:12.740
you're doing what you're doing.

226
00:17:12.740 --> 00:17:16.060
That's where all the stress comes.

227
00:17:16.060 --> 00:17:19.500
And so if you stop carrying the weight of it and you just give it up to God and you're

228
00:17:19.579 --> 00:17:23.980
like, okay, Lord, then let the performance be whatever it is.

229
00:17:23.980 --> 00:17:28.020
Let my reputation be whatever it is that you create.

230
00:17:28.020 --> 00:17:32.980
Let my ability be whatever it is that you've put within me.

231
00:17:32.980 --> 00:17:36.900
Just go through the actions and actually enjoy it.

232
00:17:36.900 --> 00:17:38.700
You will have more fun.

233
00:17:38.700 --> 00:17:40.160
You will sing better.

234
00:17:40.160 --> 00:17:41.460
You will perform better.

235
00:17:41.460 --> 00:17:44.500
And I'm just using that as one example because you've mentioned multiple things that are

236
00:17:44.500 --> 00:17:45.500
going on.

237
00:17:45.500 --> 00:17:50.380
But the amount of time that's required to put all of these things in, you're like, oh

238
00:17:50.380 --> 00:17:54.140
my goodness, I've got to go straight from class and then I've got to do this and I've

239
00:17:54.140 --> 00:17:55.140
got to do this.

240
00:17:55.140 --> 00:17:56.740
And the timing just has to work out right.

241
00:17:56.740 --> 00:18:01.460
Don't emotionally carry the responsibility of making the timing work out just right.

242
00:18:01.460 --> 00:18:05.940
You just plan it and you're like, okay, now that class is finished, now I'm going to do

243
00:18:05.940 --> 00:18:07.540
this because that's what I planned to do.

244
00:18:07.540 --> 00:18:08.540
I planned that.

245
00:18:08.540 --> 00:18:12.260
Then I go to my car and then I take this highway because it's faster.

246
00:18:12.260 --> 00:18:16.820
But you don't emotionally carry the stress of, oh my goodness, traffic isn't working

247
00:18:16.820 --> 00:18:19.780
in my favor and this isn't working in my favor.

248
00:18:19.780 --> 00:18:21.540
What's going to happen?

249
00:18:21.540 --> 00:18:23.900
That's what we're carrying and that's what we've got to stop.

250
00:18:23.900 --> 00:18:32.740
We've got to just go through the actions and enjoy the moments.

251
00:18:32.740 --> 00:18:34.260
Enjoy the process.

252
00:18:34.260 --> 00:18:39.820
Enjoy the journey because the whole point of what it is that we're doing here on earth

253
00:18:39.820 --> 00:18:45.660
is to take the journey of the development of our relationship with the Lord.

254
00:18:45.660 --> 00:18:46.660
That's the whole point.

255
00:18:46.660 --> 00:18:49.180
The whole point is not getting anywhere with the Lord.

256
00:18:49.180 --> 00:18:53.380
The whole point is not getting into any particular destination, even some kind of like a great

257
00:18:53.380 --> 00:18:56.580
maturity of our relationship with him.

258
00:18:56.580 --> 00:19:00.860
It's the development of our relationship that's the point.

259
00:19:00.860 --> 00:19:05.260
We're never going to get anywhere with the Lord, meaning like a particular place that

260
00:19:05.260 --> 00:19:06.980
we're all going to end up.

261
00:19:07.500 --> 00:19:10.580
Because God is, I believe that God is ever expanding.

262
00:19:10.580 --> 00:19:11.580
He's infinite.

263
00:19:11.580 --> 00:19:13.500
We're never going to reach the end of him.

264
00:19:13.500 --> 00:19:18.500
So therefore the point must not be arriving anywhere because we never arrive anywhere.

265
00:19:18.500 --> 00:19:23.180
It's just constantly developing more and more, becoming more and more intimate with him because

266
00:19:23.180 --> 00:19:24.260
he's infinite.

267
00:19:24.260 --> 00:19:25.620
We're never going to get to the end.

268
00:19:25.620 --> 00:19:27.980
So apparently the whole point is the journey.

269
00:19:27.980 --> 00:19:36.180
So just to express that into the physical realm as well, enjoy the process of living.

270
00:19:36.180 --> 00:19:38.580
Enjoy just the action.

271
00:19:38.580 --> 00:19:44.460
So now that God is taking care of the responsibility of what happens and how everything works out

272
00:19:44.460 --> 00:19:49.300
and whether or not you get to choir practice on time and whether or not this works out

273
00:19:49.300 --> 00:19:54.420
and whether or not, you know, you're all mesh and whether or not whatever, you know, let

274
00:19:54.420 --> 00:19:56.180
him be responsible for that.

275
00:19:56.180 --> 00:20:00.020
And you just enjoy getting to come along for the ride.

276
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:01.840
don't have to bear the burden, the weight

277
00:20:01.840 --> 00:20:03.280
and the responsibility of it.

278
00:20:04.360 --> 00:20:05.200
Does that make sense?

279
00:20:05.200 --> 00:20:06.400
Yes, it does.

280
00:20:06.400 --> 00:20:07.600
It's very, very good.

281
00:20:07.600 --> 00:20:09.360
I just feel like, I think I spent,

282
00:20:09.360 --> 00:20:10.320
when I get into stress,

283
00:20:10.320 --> 00:20:13.840
it's like I muster up a lot of energy to do something.

284
00:20:13.840 --> 00:20:14.680
Oh yeah.

285
00:20:14.680 --> 00:20:17.000
Or you think like, oh, this is coming against me.

286
00:20:17.000 --> 00:20:18.480
I need to fight it.

287
00:20:18.480 --> 00:20:19.320
Yes.

288
00:20:19.320 --> 00:20:21.480
Or like, why am I in unrest?

289
00:20:21.480 --> 00:20:24.440
And it becomes like, oh, I need to get into it again

290
00:20:24.440 --> 00:20:26.320
and I need to work to get into it again.

291
00:20:26.320 --> 00:20:29.320
Or must like, if there's something relational,

292
00:20:29.320 --> 00:20:32.000
it's like, how am I gonna handle this?

293
00:20:32.000 --> 00:20:33.400
And what is my responsibility?

294
00:20:33.400 --> 00:20:35.080
And it becomes like, what is my part?

295
00:20:35.080 --> 00:20:38.080
What is, it becomes very like detailed.

296
00:20:38.080 --> 00:20:41.040
Like you said, just, okay,

297
00:20:41.040 --> 00:20:43.440
God is responsible for my relationships.

298
00:20:43.440 --> 00:20:47.160
God is responsible for my work, for my singing.

299
00:20:47.160 --> 00:20:48.000
Okay.

300
00:20:48.000 --> 00:20:52.200
And not carry and not like, okay,

301
00:20:52.200 --> 00:20:56.040
these, the other lead singer is singing 10 songs

302
00:20:56.040 --> 00:20:58.480
in the spirit on the spot and I can't do that.

303
00:20:58.520 --> 00:21:01.360
Or I'm not there yet,

304
00:21:01.360 --> 00:21:04.640
but I don't have to approach it or attack it

305
00:21:04.640 --> 00:21:08.880
from either any way I can just, okay, I'm not there.

306
00:21:08.880 --> 00:21:12.080
I'll just sing along and the lead out wherever I can.

307
00:21:12.080 --> 00:21:15.240
And if there comes a song, I'll sing it.

308
00:21:15.240 --> 00:21:17.640
And if not, I don't have to muster it up.

309
00:21:17.640 --> 00:21:18.880
But I think that's what I do.

310
00:21:18.880 --> 00:21:22.920
I like, it's because I observe what's going on

311
00:21:22.920 --> 00:21:24.440
and you're like, and you realize,

312
00:21:24.440 --> 00:21:26.560
oh, they're at another level than me

313
00:21:26.560 --> 00:21:28.600
or they're doing something I don't know,

314
00:21:28.600 --> 00:21:30.280
or they have a different level of freedom

315
00:21:30.280 --> 00:21:33.000
or this is what we've started here.

316
00:21:33.000 --> 00:21:33.840
Merit.

317
00:21:33.840 --> 00:21:35.600
That we start comparing ourselves.

318
00:21:35.600 --> 00:21:36.560
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

319
00:21:36.560 --> 00:21:37.400
That's what it is.

320
00:21:37.400 --> 00:21:38.680
We now have a new standard

321
00:21:38.680 --> 00:21:40.800
that we're checking ourselves against.

322
00:21:40.800 --> 00:21:42.040
Yeah.

323
00:21:42.040 --> 00:21:44.080
And then that's where the stress comes in.

324
00:21:44.080 --> 00:21:46.960
When I, how am I gonna approach this relationship?

325
00:21:46.960 --> 00:21:49.560
How am I gonna approach this thing in the worship team?

326
00:21:49.560 --> 00:21:52.520
How am I gonna fix these things?

327
00:21:52.520 --> 00:21:54.320
That's where, yeah, yeah, yeah.

328
00:21:54.320 --> 00:21:55.160
Yeah.

329
00:21:55.160 --> 00:21:58.040
Yeah, and so, because again,

330
00:21:58.040 --> 00:22:00.160
we see something outside of us

331
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:02.720
and we think that that's something that we have to,

332
00:22:02.720 --> 00:22:05.360
that we have, then we have to feel like

333
00:22:05.360 --> 00:22:07.680
we emotionally have to beat ourselves into submission

334
00:22:07.680 --> 00:22:12.560
to change enough to actually get that kind of a result

335
00:22:12.560 --> 00:22:16.280
as opposed to just enjoying us being

336
00:22:16.280 --> 00:22:19.920
and just seeing, well, what powerful thing comes out

337
00:22:19.920 --> 00:22:22.640
of who it is that I am with the Lord

338
00:22:22.640 --> 00:22:25.520
and how it is that I operate, you know?

339
00:22:25.520 --> 00:22:29.080
So, but anyway, but that's important.

340
00:22:29.080 --> 00:22:31.760
And I think, because what happened is that

341
00:22:31.760 --> 00:22:34.600
I am freely, I'm singing, and then one of the leads,

342
00:22:34.600 --> 00:22:37.400
and I sing out some, and then the lead singer,

343
00:22:37.400 --> 00:22:39.600
or the one that's more experienced than me,

344
00:22:39.600 --> 00:22:41.520
because I'm new, she says,

345
00:22:41.520 --> 00:22:43.400
that's so amazing when you sing.

346
00:22:43.400 --> 00:22:45.080
I can feel there's so much more.

347
00:22:45.080 --> 00:22:47.120
You should just go for it.

348
00:22:47.120 --> 00:22:51.240
And then, and she's thinking, she's encouraging me,

349
00:22:51.240 --> 00:22:54.400
but I'm stressed, because now I feel like

350
00:22:54.400 --> 00:22:56.440
I need to perform, or I need to change,

351
00:22:56.440 --> 00:22:58.080
or how am I gonna approach this?

352
00:22:58.080 --> 00:22:58.920
Oh, I see.

353
00:22:58.920 --> 00:23:00.360
That I'm not doing enough,

354
00:23:00.360 --> 00:23:04.360
or that there's so much more here, but I'm not doing it.

355
00:23:04.360 --> 00:23:05.560
Yeah, correct.

356
00:23:05.560 --> 00:23:06.400
Yeah, I know.

357
00:23:06.400 --> 00:23:09.840
That's just an example of how I feel in many situations.

358
00:23:09.840 --> 00:23:13.560
Correct, I have a tendency to do the same thing,

359
00:23:13.560 --> 00:23:15.760
especially if what it is that I'm doing

360
00:23:15.760 --> 00:23:17.920
is not affirmed first,

361
00:23:17.920 --> 00:23:19.880
and then I just hear the encouragement.

362
00:23:19.880 --> 00:23:24.880
I take it as that where it is that I am now isn't enough.

363
00:23:25.600 --> 00:23:27.600
So yeah, that's very normal.

364
00:23:27.600 --> 00:23:29.960
I mean, meaning like that's very normal

365
00:23:29.960 --> 00:23:34.200
for someone who has particular past woundings,

366
00:23:35.600 --> 00:23:39.400
where I'm just not ever feeling good enough.

367
00:23:39.400 --> 00:23:44.400
There's a need for a lot of affirmation before encouragement,

368
00:23:46.640 --> 00:23:49.280
because otherwise we take the encouragement

369
00:23:49.320 --> 00:23:54.320
as correction and as a description or whatever,

370
00:23:57.600 --> 00:23:59.360
the fact that we're not quite enough.

371
00:23:59.360 --> 00:24:02.360
So yeah, that's understandable.

372
00:24:02.360 --> 00:24:05.200
But in situations like that,

373
00:24:05.200 --> 00:24:08.400
what's always best is to take that as,

374
00:24:08.400 --> 00:24:11.560
is to give to yourself what you wish

375
00:24:11.560 --> 00:24:13.080
someone else would give to you.

376
00:24:13.080 --> 00:24:14.760
So if you wish that someone else

377
00:24:14.760 --> 00:24:17.000
would give you that affirmation first

378
00:24:17.000 --> 00:24:19.400
before the encouragement, you do that.

379
00:24:19.400 --> 00:24:21.160
You shift into that place with the Lord,

380
00:24:21.160 --> 00:24:22.880
like, okay, what does God say?

381
00:24:22.880 --> 00:24:25.240
Between me and him, am I enough?

382
00:24:25.240 --> 00:24:26.080
Am I good?

383
00:24:26.080 --> 00:24:28.160
And he's just like, yeah, just where you are,

384
00:24:28.160 --> 00:24:30.200
as you are, you're just fine.

385
00:24:30.200 --> 00:24:31.960
Like, okay, all right.

386
00:24:31.960 --> 00:24:35.000
So now that that's settled in me,

387
00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:39.240
and now that that's what I choose is actually true,

388
00:24:39.240 --> 00:24:44.240
now you can choose to take on what it is that they said

389
00:24:44.520 --> 00:24:45.840
in the way that you want to.

390
00:24:45.880 --> 00:24:48.800
Like, okay, do you want to push yourself to that?

391
00:24:48.800 --> 00:24:50.680
Like, not push as in like a bad push,

392
00:24:50.680 --> 00:24:53.920
not like stress or sweat,

393
00:24:53.920 --> 00:24:55.600
but really kind of like,

394
00:24:55.600 --> 00:25:00.080
do you want to now receive what they mentioned?

395
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:02.320
as encouragement, do you now wanna receive it

396
00:25:02.320 --> 00:25:05.080
into yourself is permission.

397
00:25:05.080 --> 00:25:06.660
Permission to be bigger

398
00:25:06.660 --> 00:25:09.080
than you've been expressing yourself.

399
00:25:09.080 --> 00:25:11.680
Because if she's saying, hey, there's more there,

400
00:25:11.680 --> 00:25:14.360
it means obviously, as you know,

401
00:25:14.360 --> 00:25:17.000
that you're actually bigger

402
00:25:17.000 --> 00:25:20.320
than you're letting yourself be on the outside.

403
00:25:20.320 --> 00:25:22.120
And she's like, let it out.

404
00:25:22.120 --> 00:25:23.480
So you're being given permission

405
00:25:23.480 --> 00:25:24.840
because people like you and me,

406
00:25:24.840 --> 00:25:27.240
especially really anybody in the rest intensive,

407
00:25:28.240 --> 00:25:30.360
you know, because if they're attracted

408
00:25:30.360 --> 00:25:33.160
to the rest intense that they got these root things,

409
00:25:33.160 --> 00:25:34.920
we're always waiting on permission.

410
00:25:36.420 --> 00:25:38.720
And so take it for,

411
00:25:38.720 --> 00:25:42.440
so basically take what it is that someone is offering

412
00:25:42.440 --> 00:25:46.000
and then you be your own parent

413
00:25:46.000 --> 00:25:48.680
and you choose what you wanna do for you,

414
00:25:48.680 --> 00:25:51.360
as opposed to always feeling like you have to react

415
00:25:51.360 --> 00:25:54.360
and respond to what somebody else wants

416
00:25:54.360 --> 00:25:57.040
or thinks is a good idea or whatever.

417
00:25:57.800 --> 00:25:59.320
So you internalize between you and the Lord,

418
00:25:59.320 --> 00:26:00.800
okay, Lord, who am I again?

419
00:26:00.800 --> 00:26:03.620
And you get to that and you get that,

420
00:26:05.280 --> 00:26:07.720
you get solid in that again and choose.

421
00:26:07.720 --> 00:26:10.400
And remember that the more that you practice this

422
00:26:10.400 --> 00:26:13.880
in when you're alone and when you are,

423
00:26:15.240 --> 00:26:18.120
I don't know, just in everyday situations,

424
00:26:18.120 --> 00:26:20.920
the easier that you'll be able to do it

425
00:26:20.920 --> 00:26:25.920
in a situation where you're in front of someone else,

426
00:26:26.640 --> 00:26:30.800
and all of a sudden, you have to shift really quickly

427
00:26:30.800 --> 00:26:32.480
and then you have to decide how it is

428
00:26:32.480 --> 00:26:35.120
that you want to receive what it is that they just said,

429
00:26:35.120 --> 00:26:38.800
because there's not much time in a situation like that.

430
00:26:38.800 --> 00:26:41.760
So, but the more that you do it when you're on your own,

431
00:26:41.760 --> 00:26:43.760
the easier it'll be and the faster

432
00:26:43.760 --> 00:26:46.360
that you'll be able to shift when you're in those moments,

433
00:26:46.360 --> 00:26:47.880
when you're right in front of somebody

434
00:26:47.880 --> 00:26:49.240
and you've got to shift really fast,

435
00:26:49.240 --> 00:26:50.360
you've got to, okay,

436
00:26:50.360 --> 00:26:52.880
because you can't go into your prayer closet alone

437
00:26:52.880 --> 00:26:54.400
and try to get right with,

438
00:26:54.400 --> 00:26:56.920
try to remember who it is that you are.

439
00:26:56.920 --> 00:27:00.400
And then, I mean, it's requires an immediate response

440
00:27:00.400 --> 00:27:02.600
because somebody's standing right in front of you.

441
00:27:02.600 --> 00:27:04.240
And so if you're practiced,

442
00:27:04.240 --> 00:27:07.040
then it's easier to shift in those moments

443
00:27:07.040 --> 00:27:08.960
and then be able to respond to the person.

444
00:27:08.960 --> 00:27:12.200
But again, remember, own your own life.

445
00:27:12.200 --> 00:27:15.920
You don't have to jump to when somebody else wants you to,

446
00:27:15.920 --> 00:27:18.720
even if they're encouraging or if they're discouraging

447
00:27:18.720 --> 00:27:19.740
or if they're correcting,

448
00:27:19.740 --> 00:27:21.440
you don't have to do a dagging thing.

449
00:27:21.440 --> 00:27:22.680
You don't want to.

450
00:27:22.680 --> 00:27:25.440
You own you and decide, okay,

451
00:27:25.440 --> 00:27:29.560
how do I want to receive what they said?

452
00:27:29.560 --> 00:27:31.600
Like, what do I want to do with what they said?

453
00:27:31.600 --> 00:27:33.360
Not because they said it,

454
00:27:33.360 --> 00:27:35.120
but what do I think about what they said?

455
00:27:35.120 --> 00:27:36.520
Do I think that that's something

456
00:27:36.520 --> 00:27:40.040
that I would like to stretch myself to do,

457
00:27:40.040 --> 00:27:43.800
to give myself, take that as,

458
00:27:43.800 --> 00:27:47.080
and use their words internally to myself,

459
00:27:47.080 --> 00:27:48.960
like my spirit to my soul and tell myself,

460
00:27:48.960 --> 00:27:50.440
hey, you now have permission.

461
00:27:50.440 --> 00:27:52.140
You now have permission to be bigger.

462
00:27:52.140 --> 00:27:53.540
You now have permission to be louder.

463
00:27:53.540 --> 00:27:56.860
You now have permission to be more expressive,

464
00:27:56.860 --> 00:28:01.060
you know, and to take up more room, you know,

465
00:28:01.060 --> 00:28:03.500
but you tell yourself that.

466
00:28:03.500 --> 00:28:07.780
You own the direction and the instruction

467
00:28:07.780 --> 00:28:09.980
that you allow your soul to hear.

468
00:28:10.860 --> 00:28:12.740
Don't allow your soul to be owned

469
00:28:12.740 --> 00:28:17.260
and to be moved and swayed by somebody else's instruction

470
00:28:17.260 --> 00:28:20.420
or correction or encouragement.

471
00:28:20.420 --> 00:28:23.180
You hear what people say,

472
00:28:23.180 --> 00:28:27.820
and then you decide your spirit needs to filter all of that

473
00:28:27.820 --> 00:28:29.220
and your soul needs to listen

474
00:28:29.220 --> 00:28:32.060
to what your spirit is telling it to do.

475
00:28:32.060 --> 00:28:34.280
Your spirit can like be prompted

476
00:28:34.280 --> 00:28:35.860
by something that someone else says.

477
00:28:35.860 --> 00:28:37.660
I'm like, oh, well, that's an interesting idea.

478
00:28:37.660 --> 00:28:39.520
Well, what do I think about that?

479
00:28:39.520 --> 00:28:43.340
But you own you and you protect your soul

480
00:28:43.340 --> 00:28:45.580
by filtering out what people say,

481
00:28:45.580 --> 00:28:49.260
and then your spirit giving the instruction to your soul

482
00:28:49.260 --> 00:28:51.700
if your spirit likes what the person said

483
00:28:51.700 --> 00:28:53.860
and thinks that it's a good thing.

484
00:28:53.860 --> 00:28:55.000
Does that make sense?

485
00:28:56.020 --> 00:28:57.380
That'll help a lot.

486
00:28:57.380 --> 00:29:00.100
And then you'll be able to see stuff

487
00:29:00.100 --> 00:29:04.660
that is encouraging from people easier to,

488
00:29:04.660 --> 00:29:07.380
you'll more easily see it as encouragement

489
00:29:07.380 --> 00:29:12.380
than correction if you own it for you.

490
00:29:13.700 --> 00:29:17.140
If you are right, if you remember who it is that you are,

491
00:29:17.140 --> 00:29:18.620
you're like, okay, I'm perfectly fine.

492
00:29:18.700 --> 00:29:20.700
I don't have to change.

493
00:29:20.700 --> 00:29:22.100
I'm perfectly fine the way that I am.

494
00:29:22.100 --> 00:29:24.620
I know that they want that, that's nice for them.

495
00:29:24.620 --> 00:29:27.380
But between me and God, I have to know that I'm okay.

496
00:29:27.380 --> 00:29:28.220
Okay, I am okay.

497
00:29:28.220 --> 00:29:29.180
Okay, now that I'm okay,

498
00:29:29.180 --> 00:29:30.880
and now that there's no longer any pressure,

499
00:29:30.880 --> 00:29:32.820
now that there's no longer any threat,

500
00:29:32.820 --> 00:29:34.740
now that I don't have to, if I don't want to,

501
00:29:34.740 --> 00:29:35.880
what do I want to do?

502
00:29:35.880 --> 00:29:38.620
Now that I don't have to, do I really want to do that?

503
00:29:39.860 --> 00:29:41.540
And then give the instruction to your soul

504
00:29:41.540 --> 00:29:42.380
if that's what you want to do.

505
00:29:42.380 --> 00:29:45.020
And you can do all of this really fast.

506
00:29:45.020 --> 00:29:47.700
I'm just walking you through the background process

507
00:29:47.780 --> 00:29:50.580
of kind of like what's going on so that you know

508
00:29:50.580 --> 00:29:53.980
like what it is you're really doing and whatever.

509
00:29:53.980 --> 00:29:57.540
And you're not gonna be able to do this.

510
00:29:57.540 --> 00:30:00.300
People usually can't do this kind of thing on the fly.

511
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:03.440
I would recommend practicing by yourself.

512
00:30:03.440 --> 00:30:06.640
So say for instance, if you like practice singing

513
00:30:06.640 --> 00:30:10.120
on your own or whatever, then you can,

514
00:30:10.120 --> 00:30:12.360
or you can put yourself back in a situation

515
00:30:12.360 --> 00:30:14.560
that you've been in before where someone told you,

516
00:30:14.560 --> 00:30:16.280
hey, you should do this.

517
00:30:16.280 --> 00:30:20.000
Put yourself back there and then try and practice it

518
00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:22.060
when there's no one there but you.

519
00:30:22.960 --> 00:30:26.480
To choose yourself, to choose to own what it is

520
00:30:26.480 --> 00:30:29.440
that somebody else said and decide and filter it

521
00:30:29.440 --> 00:30:31.120
and decide whether or not you want to give

522
00:30:31.120 --> 00:30:33.160
that instruction to your soul

523
00:30:33.160 --> 00:30:35.400
or if you don't want it to enter your soul.

524
00:30:36.440 --> 00:30:40.240
So don't let somebody else instruct your soul what to do,

525
00:30:40.240 --> 00:30:41.560
if that makes sense.

526
00:30:41.560 --> 00:30:44.120
But yeah, so I think that things like that'll help.

527
00:30:44.120 --> 00:30:46.760
But if you do it, if you practice it on your own,

528
00:30:46.760 --> 00:30:50.120
it'll be easier live when someone's there

529
00:30:50.120 --> 00:30:51.280
for you to own yourself.

530
00:30:51.280 --> 00:30:54.120
Otherwise we can, otherwise if we think,

531
00:30:54.120 --> 00:30:56.240
okay, well, I'm gonna try that next time.

532
00:30:56.760 --> 00:31:01.040
Next time, it'll be your body and your soul

533
00:31:01.040 --> 00:31:02.800
will react the way it always has,

534
00:31:02.800 --> 00:31:03.840
because that's habit.

535
00:31:05.240 --> 00:31:07.960
And so to learn something new in front of people

536
00:31:07.960 --> 00:31:10.280
where you're trying to actually execute,

537
00:31:11.240 --> 00:31:15.040
send a particular performance and all work together,

538
00:31:15.040 --> 00:31:18.640
it's gonna be a lot and it would feel very discouraging.

539
00:31:18.640 --> 00:31:22.560
So anyway, so all of these things are very simple.

540
00:31:22.560 --> 00:31:25.640
I'm just trying to like really give a full explanation,

541
00:31:26.040 --> 00:31:27.960
a very thorough explanation of what's going on.

542
00:31:27.960 --> 00:31:29.880
But really what it is you're doing is you're choosing

543
00:31:29.880 --> 00:31:31.480
who are you with the Lord?

544
00:31:31.480 --> 00:31:32.320
Who are you to the Lord?

545
00:31:32.320 --> 00:31:36.800
Are you enough without changing how you're singing,

546
00:31:36.800 --> 00:31:38.720
without you even singing well?

547
00:31:38.720 --> 00:31:39.560
I'm sure you sing great,

548
00:31:39.560 --> 00:31:42.280
but I'm saying like, that's always our fear, isn't it?

549
00:31:42.280 --> 00:31:46.760
That I actually am not as good as I wish I were, right?

550
00:31:46.760 --> 00:31:50.080
So we have to actually, we have to choose that who it is

551
00:31:50.080 --> 00:31:53.080
that we are in value to the Lord

552
00:31:53.080 --> 00:31:56.160
that has nothing whatsoever to do with what we're doing

553
00:31:56.160 --> 00:31:58.240
and how well we're performing

554
00:31:59.240 --> 00:32:02.440
or how well we're executing our giftings like singing.

555
00:32:03.360 --> 00:32:06.640
We have to completely disassociate from that.

556
00:32:06.640 --> 00:32:08.880
And then once we're disassociated from it,

557
00:32:08.880 --> 00:32:12.880
we can more clearly and more solid,

558
00:32:15.560 --> 00:32:17.400
what's the word for that?

559
00:32:17.400 --> 00:32:22.400
We can more clearly and more healthfully emotionally

560
00:32:23.320 --> 00:32:26.800
which is horrible grammar, but we're going with it.

561
00:32:28.480 --> 00:32:30.960
We can move forward.

562
00:32:30.960 --> 00:32:32.960
So anyway, is that helpful?

563
00:32:32.960 --> 00:32:33.840
I know I gave you a lot,

564
00:32:33.840 --> 00:32:37.760
but I wanted to be very thorough about what's going on.

565
00:32:37.760 --> 00:32:38.760
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

566
00:32:38.760 --> 00:32:40.080
It makes sense.

567
00:32:41.160 --> 00:32:43.960
When it comes to emotional things,

568
00:32:45.080 --> 00:32:46.120
how about, I don't know,

569
00:32:46.120 --> 00:32:47.640
this is probably maybe something else,

570
00:32:47.640 --> 00:32:49.560
but it's what I said in the beginning.

571
00:32:50.560 --> 00:32:52.680
When there are emotional wounds,

572
00:32:57.720 --> 00:33:02.360
what I do is that I sometimes ask the spirit to come in

573
00:33:02.360 --> 00:33:07.360
and Lord over and cover over the soul.

574
00:33:09.240 --> 00:33:13.280
Is that just something you continue to do until it is healed

575
00:33:13.280 --> 00:33:18.280
or is it like, okay, I now am choosing

576
00:33:19.720 --> 00:33:22.920
the tree of life and then God has created

577
00:33:22.920 --> 00:33:24.280
all these different things.

578
00:33:24.280 --> 00:33:26.680
So maybe I should go and see a counselor

579
00:33:28.120 --> 00:33:29.600
if there's like certain,

580
00:33:29.600 --> 00:33:32.120
I see like there's a wound in my soul here.

581
00:33:32.120 --> 00:33:32.960
I don't know.

582
00:33:32.960 --> 00:33:34.400
I think now it looks like I jumped

583
00:33:34.400 --> 00:33:35.560
from one subject to another.

584
00:33:35.560 --> 00:33:37.200
Maybe I did, but-

585
00:33:37.200 --> 00:33:39.360
No, I understood what you're saying, yeah.

586
00:33:39.360 --> 00:33:41.560
So that's where I think I am

587
00:33:41.560 --> 00:33:43.640
because in a way after I started the rest intensive,

588
00:33:43.640 --> 00:33:46.840
I thought like, oh, now I don't necessarily have to talk

589
00:33:46.880 --> 00:33:48.680
about these things anymore

590
00:33:48.680 --> 00:33:51.480
because God can just directly heal me.

591
00:33:51.480 --> 00:33:53.080
And he's done that before,

592
00:33:53.080 --> 00:33:58.080
but then I have been inviting the spirit in quite a bit

593
00:33:58.720 --> 00:34:01.040
to Lord over my soul and my body.

594
00:34:01.040 --> 00:34:02.760
And I feel like he's doing something,

595
00:34:02.760 --> 00:34:06.920
but there's still a pain in my heart

596
00:34:06.920 --> 00:34:10.040
connected to the things that happened before Christmas.

597
00:34:10.040 --> 00:34:12.120
Correct, yeah.

598
00:34:12.120 --> 00:34:15.400
So I think I'm just kind of like, how do I,

599
00:34:15.400 --> 00:34:17.320
and then I think my body,

600
00:34:17.320 --> 00:34:18.840
I think one of the things that happened,

601
00:34:18.840 --> 00:34:22.560
I think was a bit actually almost traumatic to me.

602
00:34:22.560 --> 00:34:25.639
So when anything now resembles that,

603
00:34:25.639 --> 00:34:28.760
I feel like I'm almost, I'm just reacting

604
00:34:28.760 --> 00:34:30.960
like my body or my soul is reacting

605
00:34:30.960 --> 00:34:33.840
like it does when something traumatic happened.

606
00:34:33.840 --> 00:34:34.679
Yeah, like PTSD.

607
00:34:34.679 --> 00:34:36.760
If something in a relationship

608
00:34:36.760 --> 00:34:39.679
resembles just vaguely what happened,

609
00:34:39.679 --> 00:34:44.639
then I kind of freeze or react or am in pain again,

610
00:34:44.679 --> 00:34:47.000
even though it's not the same thing going on.

611
00:34:48.000 --> 00:34:48.840
Yeah, yeah.

612
00:34:48.840 --> 00:34:50.760
I'm just wondering about healing,

613
00:34:50.760 --> 00:34:53.480
like healing of soul, yeah.

614
00:34:53.480 --> 00:34:56.639
Yeah, well, there is a restful way

615
00:34:56.639 --> 00:35:01.640
to do some inner healing.

616
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:06.160
or healing work where you bring yourself to the Lord and then ask him, you know, what

617
00:35:06.160 --> 00:35:08.240
it is that he's showing you about it.

618
00:35:08.240 --> 00:35:12.920
If he's bringing certain things up and then there are certain things that, you know, you

619
00:35:12.920 --> 00:35:18.440
begin to just ask him, okay, Lord will, you know, where were you in those types of situations

620
00:35:18.440 --> 00:35:23.640
or Lord, what do you, you know, I'm, I, and then you bring your, and you, in all of that,

621
00:35:23.640 --> 00:35:25.240
you're bringing your emotions to him.

622
00:35:25.240 --> 00:35:31.360
You're allowing yourself to feel all your feelings with him.

623
00:35:31.360 --> 00:35:37.480
So what we're used to doing is we're used to either not allowing ourselves to feel,

624
00:35:37.480 --> 00:35:43.360
or we do allow ourselves to feel, but we disassociate from the Lord.

625
00:35:43.360 --> 00:35:49.080
So we either disassociate from ourselves by trying to not feel, or we try to disassociate

626
00:35:49.080 --> 00:35:55.160
from the Lord because we feel bad and, and it depends on the person as to what they

627
00:35:55.160 --> 00:35:56.160
do.

628
00:35:56.160 --> 00:36:02.440
If you're like me, this is what, this is what you sometimes do is you, you feel so

629
00:36:02.440 --> 00:36:09.960
bad that you want to continue, how to word that, in a way you, you don't want to go to

630
00:36:09.960 --> 00:36:14.200
God because you're concerned that he's going to correct you.

631
00:36:14.200 --> 00:36:16.760
And it's just going to feel worse.

632
00:36:16.760 --> 00:36:18.300
It's going to feel harder.

633
00:36:18.300 --> 00:36:20.140
It's going to feel whatever.

634
00:36:20.140 --> 00:36:25.140
And you just want to you just want to be mad right now because you feel that you deserve

635
00:36:25.140 --> 00:36:26.140
it.

636
00:36:26.140 --> 00:36:29.220
And, or you just want to be afraid and you don't want to deal with it.

637
00:36:29.220 --> 00:36:33.020
And you feel like if you come to him that he's either going to correct you and get upset

638
00:36:33.020 --> 00:36:37.860
at you, or that he is going to, I don't know, not allow you to feel that way anymore.

639
00:36:37.860 --> 00:36:38.860
I don't know.

640
00:36:38.860 --> 00:36:42.820
But a lot of times it's the correction that, Hey, you're not supposed to be feeling that,

641
00:36:42.820 --> 00:36:44.180
Hey, you know, better than that.

642
00:36:44.180 --> 00:36:48.260
Hey, you know, whatever that we're really afraid that we're going to experience when

643
00:36:48.260 --> 00:36:49.260
we come to him.

644
00:36:49.260 --> 00:36:55.380
And what's important is that we, is that we choose that when, that we don't turn our backs

645
00:36:55.380 --> 00:37:00.380
on God and that we, when we're struggling, that we struggle with him because remember

646
00:37:00.380 --> 00:37:02.820
what he called Israel, he called Israel.

647
00:37:02.820 --> 00:37:09.460
Remember the name when he renamed Jacob Israel and all of his descendants, Israel names are

648
00:37:09.460 --> 00:37:10.660
very important to the Lord.

649
00:37:10.660 --> 00:37:16.940
And he named, he renamed Jacob Israel and Israel means he, who struggles with God.

650
00:37:16.940 --> 00:37:21.660
God finds struggle to be a place of intimacy with him.

651
00:37:21.660 --> 00:37:27.140
And so when you're mad, when you're scared, when you're hurt, when you're in pain, take

652
00:37:27.140 --> 00:37:31.780
those, feel that fully with God.

653
00:37:31.780 --> 00:37:38.660
In other words, in his presence and just go to him and like process all of those feelings

654
00:37:38.660 --> 00:37:42.220
and all of the turmoil with him.

655
00:37:42.220 --> 00:37:48.420
And what I would recommend is don't try so much to figure it out.

656
00:37:48.420 --> 00:37:53.020
You can go to him and you can ask him what he thinks about it or what he, or, you know,

657
00:37:53.020 --> 00:37:55.540
and you can tell him how it is that you feel.

658
00:37:55.540 --> 00:38:00.140
And the fact that, Lord, I just don't understand why, why would you allow this?

659
00:38:00.140 --> 00:38:02.380
Why have you been allowing this or Lord?

660
00:38:02.380 --> 00:38:04.060
I don't understand why they did that.

661
00:38:04.060 --> 00:38:08.380
You know, I really was trying to do the right thing and dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, but, and

662
00:38:08.380 --> 00:38:14.940
you just kind of like walk through it with the Lord, but I don't try to not make it

663
00:38:14.940 --> 00:38:19.500
so mental, try to just make it more emotional.

664
00:38:19.500 --> 00:38:25.100
And the reason why is that a lot of the logic is that the things of the spirit can only

665
00:38:25.100 --> 00:38:26.700
be understood by the spirit.

666
00:38:26.700 --> 00:38:31.140
So what you're doing is you were bringing yourself fully to the Lord so that his love

667
00:38:31.140 --> 00:38:33.420
can heal you.

668
00:38:33.420 --> 00:38:40.460
Not that his logic will make sense, but that his love will emotionally heal you.

669
00:38:40.460 --> 00:38:46.820
Because here's the thing, any trauma that happened or any hurt that happens and affects

670
00:38:46.820 --> 00:38:47.820
your emotions.

671
00:38:47.820 --> 00:38:49.540
I know that that sounds really weird.

672
00:38:49.540 --> 00:38:52.700
I'm trying to figure out how to say this in any emotional wound.

673
00:38:52.700 --> 00:38:53.900
Let me word it that way.

674
00:38:53.900 --> 00:38:58.620
Any emotional wound can only be healed by a higher emotion.

675
00:38:58.620 --> 00:39:01.140
It cannot be healed by logic.

676
00:39:01.140 --> 00:39:07.280
So going to God and trying to understand it will not heal your pain.

677
00:39:07.280 --> 00:39:12.620
Only taking that fully into God and all of your emotions into God's presence and just

678
00:39:12.620 --> 00:39:17.740
allowing him to just, to just love on you, to just spend time with you, to show you by

679
00:39:17.740 --> 00:39:21.460
experience that he doesn't reject you.

680
00:39:21.460 --> 00:39:27.420
And that if he corrects you, you won't feel a rejection in the correction.

681
00:39:27.700 --> 00:39:34.100
See, historically, we have felt when we come to God and he corrects us, that creates more

682
00:39:34.100 --> 00:39:35.180
rejection.

683
00:39:35.180 --> 00:39:36.460
It creates more hurt.

684
00:39:36.460 --> 00:39:42.700
And we need to learn that that was the only the way that, that, that our relationship

685
00:39:42.700 --> 00:39:43.700
is with the Lord.

686
00:39:43.700 --> 00:39:49.780
When we're approaching him out of strife and sweat and trying so hard to perform for him,

687
00:39:49.780 --> 00:39:54.140
that we take correction as harshness, as rejection or whatever.

688
00:39:54.140 --> 00:39:58.740
But when you come to the Lord, understanding that you're coming to him in full foundate

689
00:39:58.740 --> 00:40:00.020
in the foundation that you were.

690
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:05.680
fully loved and accepted. There's nothing wrong with you and that you're fully valued for who

691
00:40:05.680 --> 00:40:11.760
you are and not for how you perform. And God's okay with you being mad and he's okay with you,

692
00:40:11.760 --> 00:40:16.240
you know, being afraid and he's just okay with you being wherever it is that you are right now.

693
00:40:16.240 --> 00:40:23.040
As long as you're doing that with him, then that will experiencing that, experiencing,

694
00:40:23.040 --> 00:40:27.200
feeling all those feelings in the Lord's presence and seeing how he interacts with you

695
00:40:27.760 --> 00:40:33.600
will heal you because you'll discover, oh my word, I've discovered by experience that I

696
00:40:33.600 --> 00:40:39.120
really am unconditionally loved and accepted. It's not some logic that the Lord's going to

697
00:40:39.120 --> 00:40:44.720
fix things with of like understanding, well, Renata, you just need to put yourself in the

698
00:40:44.720 --> 00:40:49.280
other person's shoes and you just need to understand that, you know, that, you know,

699
00:40:49.280 --> 00:40:54.560
they just had a lot of difficult things going on. It doesn't matter if someone else has difficult

700
00:40:54.560 --> 00:41:00.640
things going on, it hurt you. And that's the point that you're taking before the Lord. Lord,

701
00:41:00.640 --> 00:41:07.680
I'm hurt and I can't seem to get healing. I can try to explain it away, explain why they said

702
00:41:07.680 --> 00:41:15.920
what they said and try to figure out how I put myself in that situation or whatever it is that

703
00:41:15.920 --> 00:41:21.520
we say to ourselves to try to kind of like logically walk ourselves out of it, logically

704
00:41:21.520 --> 00:41:27.360
explain the situation to us, logically explain our experience, logically explain our hurt,

705
00:41:27.360 --> 00:41:33.040
but it doesn't heal the hurt. So anyway, that's, that's what I would recommend. We've been talking

706
00:41:33.040 --> 00:41:36.720
a lot about that. If you've been watching the fireside chats and the rest groups, we've been

707
00:41:36.720 --> 00:41:42.240
talking a lot about, about how to go to the Lord with our negative emotions and just be there with

708
00:41:42.240 --> 00:41:51.440
them. Specifically with them, some questions that, that Tammy has brought up. I watched number 62

709
00:41:51.440 --> 00:42:00.800
and 63. Okay. Yeah. I haven't posted. There wasn't anything for this week, I think. Yes. Yeah. I,

710
00:42:00.800 --> 00:42:06.560
I haven't posted them yet because I've needed good internet and I've been on the road ever since. So

711
00:42:07.520 --> 00:42:16.560
so tell me, was it 62 or 63? I think I watched half of 62 and 63. I think it's 62. I don't know

712
00:42:16.560 --> 00:42:22.560
that I posted 63 yet. I could be wrong. Maybe I have, I don't remember, but I have not posted

713
00:42:22.560 --> 00:42:28.160
Sundays or Tuesdays yet. So I'm sorry about that. But, but now that I'm here, we're trying to get

714
00:42:28.160 --> 00:42:31.840
my internet set up. In fact, I'm using cell service right now because we couldn't get it set

715
00:42:31.840 --> 00:42:38.240
up in time for my call. But, but anyway, so, but you know, hopefully some I'll be able to get those

716
00:42:38.240 --> 00:42:44.400
up soon, but my point is, but I think that some of that was even talked about last week about,

717
00:42:44.400 --> 00:42:49.840
about a lot of negative emotions and how we're supposed to fully receive ourselves. And then

718
00:42:49.840 --> 00:42:54.800
part of how we can learn to do that is to go to the Lord completely as we are, how it is that we're

719
00:42:54.800 --> 00:42:59.680
feeling. And I am telling you, I practice this myself and I am telling you, it is shocking.

720
00:42:59.680 --> 00:43:07.120
If you just allow yourself to just feel what you're feeling and stop fighting it, it is amazing

721
00:43:07.120 --> 00:43:14.880
how the resistance immediately drops. I mean, like immediately. And then whatever it is that

722
00:43:14.880 --> 00:43:20.240
caused the negative emotions so quickly just dissipates kind of like, well, it's not as

723
00:43:20.240 --> 00:43:25.600
important to me now. I mean, like immediately, I'm not joking. It really is. Well, if you fully

724
00:43:25.600 --> 00:43:31.040
accept yourself and stop resisting the fact that you feel that way, well, I shouldn't feel this way.

725
00:43:31.040 --> 00:43:38.960
This is probably ungodly. If you stop doing that and you fully accept yourself as you are again,

726
00:43:39.520 --> 00:43:44.560
in the Lord's presence, like, okay, he says, I'm fine. Okay. Then I'll accept myself like this.

727
00:43:44.560 --> 00:43:50.240
I'm just mad right now, or I'm afraid. And immediately, once you accept yourself and you

728
00:43:50.240 --> 00:43:55.280
stop resisting yourself and you accept in the way that you do that is you believe that that's how

729
00:43:55.280 --> 00:44:02.320
God sees you and that how he's receiving you. All of the sudden it like drops from like a 10 to a one

730
00:44:03.120 --> 00:44:07.440
when you're like, okay, well, so the issue is still there and I still need to deal with it.

731
00:44:07.440 --> 00:44:13.200
But now I went from a 10 to a one. It's not as intense. And I'm just like, okay. So it,

732
00:44:13.200 --> 00:44:18.240
so it really is a very big deal that we start dropping all of this resistance to ourselves.

733
00:44:19.120 --> 00:44:23.680
And that will help you deal with it. It'll help you also heal from the Lord,

734
00:44:23.680 --> 00:44:28.320
because part of the thing with healing with the Lord is we have to stop resisting his healing.

735
00:44:28.880 --> 00:44:32.640
And so we have to stop dropping it. We have to start dropping all of our walls

736
00:44:32.640 --> 00:44:37.520
or stop trying to hold them up when God's love is trying to topple them down.

737
00:44:37.520 --> 00:44:41.520
So anyway, that's what I would say to all of that. Is that helpful?

738
00:44:41.520 --> 00:44:43.120
Yeah. Thank you. That's great.

739
00:44:43.120 --> 00:44:50.560
You're welcome. Remember that the whole point of all of this is you is, is us all in the rest

740
00:44:50.560 --> 00:44:56.640
intensive is choosing more love and freedom in God. It's true. In other words, it's choosing God.

741
00:44:57.760 --> 00:44:59.760
It's letting go of our life and choosing.

742
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:09.880
him. Rest and no stress and no anxiety, that is a byproduct. That's just, that's, that's

743
00:45:09.880 --> 00:45:16.080
not the point. That can't be the point or we're always going to be struggling to get

744
00:45:16.080 --> 00:45:19.920
into rest and be very frustrated with ourselves whenever we get out of it. It's going to be

745
00:45:19.920 --> 00:45:23.580
another, it's going to be the next thing to do. It's going to be something that we're

746
00:45:23.580 --> 00:45:28.400
striving for and that we're sweating for or whatever. We have to choose that we're, we

747
00:45:28.400 --> 00:45:34.160
have to switch to letting go more and more of this life and choosing more and more God

748
00:45:34.160 --> 00:45:42.800
himself as being what we value. And then the result of that is rest. That has to be the,

749
00:45:42.800 --> 00:45:46.920
has to be the point. Otherwise, like you said, rest starts being something else that we keep

750
00:45:46.920 --> 00:45:52.160
trying to accomplish and, and that can't be sustained. So anyway, yeah, it's not the real

751
00:45:52.160 --> 00:46:05.060
thing. Anyway. Yeah. So good. Yeah. Well, how are you Annette? I'm doing good. Like

752
00:46:05.060 --> 00:46:17.520
I am, I'm feel like I'm feeling good. It's very, we have an expression in Norway called

753
00:46:17.520 --> 00:46:26.840
it's completely Texas. I love it. My friend, my friend Caitlin was like, Hey, do you have

754
00:46:26.840 --> 00:46:30.320
an expression? She's from Austin. She's like, do you have an expression called it's completely

755
00:46:30.320 --> 00:46:37.240
Texas? And I was like, no. And then I'm like, Oh, we totally do. I had to write her back.

756
00:46:37.240 --> 00:46:41.800
I'm like, I'm sorry. Yeah, we do. It's when things are just out of control. It's like

757
00:46:41.800 --> 00:46:52.440
completely Texas. It's the wild west. I love it. It was actually in one of the papers.

758
00:46:52.440 --> 00:46:57.880
It was like, you'll see it like completely Texas. Like that will be like a headline in

759
00:46:57.880 --> 00:47:03.680
the papers. And just like everybody would then just know, Oh, okay. It was crazy. Like

760
00:47:03.680 --> 00:47:10.720
it was, it doesn't have to be bad, but just like, it could be like out of control or just

761
00:47:10.720 --> 00:47:18.160
like, it's just actually used as an adjective. Yeah. Really? What does it mean? Yeah. Yeah.

762
00:47:18.160 --> 00:47:23.480
Like a Texan way. Like, yeah, it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of like what you say,

763
00:47:23.480 --> 00:47:29.560
like the wild west is like out of the ordinary. It's like, it's not, it's yeah. It's something

764
00:47:29.560 --> 00:47:35.960
different. It's like, it's Texas, you know? It's like, that is hilarious. I love it. I

765
00:47:36.120 --> 00:47:41.560
have to tell my husband, we've just moved to Texas and he's finding it all very interesting.

766
00:47:42.200 --> 00:47:45.800
He's like, don't really love yourselves. Don't you? It's like, yes, we do.

767
00:47:46.920 --> 00:47:54.920
It's like, it's Texas. It's so funny. Oh my gosh. Yeah. So I started a new job and that is,

768
00:47:55.640 --> 00:48:02.760
that's completely Texas. Like that is, well, that's just, it's not just Texas. That's like

769
00:48:02.760 --> 00:48:11.800
cowboy. It feels like very cowboy place to be. Yeah. It's just out of control. A lot of it.

770
00:48:11.800 --> 00:48:19.320
It's like a lot of just chaotic communications and a lot of crazy expectations.

771
00:48:23.720 --> 00:48:26.280
She must've accidentally hit, leave the meeting.

772
00:48:26.440 --> 00:48:37.000
Oh, she just went like that. Yeah. It was really fast. Yeah. Unless I was going to say,

773
00:48:37.000 --> 00:48:42.680
unless someone called her or interrupted, but I don't think that it shuts off as soon as she is.

774
00:48:43.560 --> 00:48:44.680
She's coming in. Yeah.

775
00:48:44.680 --> 00:49:03.240
Oh, I think Zoom is like censoring me for speaking too much about Texas.

776
00:49:03.240 --> 00:49:08.040
I was going to say, it's true. It is completely Texas. It's crazy.

777
00:49:08.440 --> 00:49:23.400
Yeah. No, but so I, I don't think I've done as much in a place before in five weeks and,

778
00:49:23.400 --> 00:49:28.120
and meaning things I don't like yesterday, one of the vice presidents was just like,

779
00:49:28.760 --> 00:49:36.360
just casually sent me an email at four 30 in the afternoon. Mind you, like we don't work like

780
00:49:36.360 --> 00:49:42.600
Americans do. So it's like, I'm like, yeah. So I'm like, it's, it's getting close to like go

781
00:49:42.600 --> 00:49:48.120
home. Like you don't send me an email to ask me to do something like that time, even if you're

782
00:49:48.120 --> 00:49:57.000
the vice president, like it's just, it's not, not very Norwegian. But anyways, but she sent me this

783
00:49:57.000 --> 00:49:59.800
like, Oh, can you just like write an article about what we're.

784
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.400
we're doing up North. And I was like, what, like, I actually

785
00:50:04.400 --> 00:50:07.560
started laughing. Because I'm like, there's no way I can do

786
00:50:07.560 --> 00:50:10.120
that. I'm not a journalist. I don't even know what we're doing

787
00:50:10.120 --> 00:50:14.000
up North. Like, what are you even asking me? You know, so I

788
00:50:14.000 --> 00:50:17.680
sent to my German colleague who's on vacation in South

789
00:50:17.680 --> 00:50:21.920
Africa. I'm like, excuse me, like what? And then she sends

790
00:50:21.920 --> 00:50:24.520
back she's like, Oh, normally, the journalist does this blah,

791
00:50:24.520 --> 00:50:27.840
blah, blah. Vice President writes back like, Oh, well, you

792
00:50:27.840 --> 00:50:30.960
can call her my colleague writes her back, it's too late.

793
00:50:31.480 --> 00:50:34.560
Then my colleague goes, maybe Annette can figure something

794
00:50:34.560 --> 00:50:37.880
out and send it to you. So mind you, I'm like sitting because I

795
00:50:37.880 --> 00:50:40.400
had other things to do. So I had to leave work and go do

796
00:50:40.400 --> 00:50:44.840
something, come back. And then I had to sit and just, and that

797
00:50:44.840 --> 00:50:48.360
does things she doesn't know how to do. So I created an article

798
00:50:48.360 --> 00:50:51.800
found some pictures, figure it out what we're trying to like

799
00:50:51.800 --> 00:50:56.560
what we're doing up North. And I just made this like, newsletter

800
00:50:56.680 --> 00:51:00.600
article thing, and I sent it to them this morning. I'm like,

801
00:51:00.600 --> 00:51:04.880
super impressed. Like, I'm pulling this out of thin air.

802
00:51:04.880 --> 00:51:10.880
Like, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm glad y'all liked it,

803
00:51:10.880 --> 00:51:13.240
because I don't know what I'm doing. I'm like, well, this is

804
00:51:13.240 --> 00:51:17.600
the best I know how to do. So in that sense, I just feel like

805
00:51:17.640 --> 00:51:21.280
I've gotten to a point where I'm, that reminded me when you

806
00:51:21.280 --> 00:51:23.840
were talking about the singing Renate, because I do a lot of

807
00:51:23.840 --> 00:51:27.920
like the prophetic singing, but I think in that too, like I've

808
00:51:27.920 --> 00:51:32.680
gotten to where it's like, God, if you don't show up, like, I

809
00:51:32.680 --> 00:51:35.360
mean, it's gonna be you, it's not gonna be me, you know, like,

810
00:51:35.360 --> 00:51:40.640
I can't do this. So either show me how or like, I don't know,

811
00:51:40.760 --> 00:51:45.000
you know. So obviously, it just shows me what to do. And that's

812
00:51:45.000 --> 00:51:46.920
the same with like, the prophetic singing. It's like,

813
00:51:46.920 --> 00:51:49.600
sometimes he gives you something if it's for the people, you

814
00:51:49.600 --> 00:51:53.680
know, that are there, or for yourself. And sometimes you get

815
00:51:53.680 --> 00:51:57.960
nothing, because it's just not about, it's not about us. You

816
00:51:57.960 --> 00:52:02.320
know, it's about Yeah, yeah. So I think, to me, that's just been

817
00:52:02.320 --> 00:52:06.600
super helpful to just, so I feel like a lot of like, so when you

818
00:52:06.600 --> 00:52:10.840
were talking right out, I'm like, Oh, yeah, I not like that.

819
00:52:10.840 --> 00:52:15.640
But I remember that, like how I would also be super scared

820
00:52:15.640 --> 00:52:20.320
about, oh, my gosh, I have to like, come up with something or

821
00:52:20.520 --> 00:52:22.520
somebody be like, oh, it's amazing when you sing

822
00:52:22.520 --> 00:52:24.920
prophetically, and you do this, and then it becomes this

823
00:52:24.920 --> 00:52:28.280
expectation. And even if you do like back to back services,

824
00:52:28.280 --> 00:52:31.880
it's like, it'll be one service with like, so much blowing

825
00:52:31.880 --> 00:52:34.680
worship and like prophetic singing. And then the next one

826
00:52:34.680 --> 00:52:38.240
is like nothing. And they kind of feel cheated, you know, and

827
00:52:38.240 --> 00:52:42.320
it's like, Oh, well, it's like, well, it's not like this isn't

828
00:52:42.320 --> 00:52:45.160
rehearses, like if God has something to say for me, I'll

829
00:52:45.160 --> 00:52:48.760
say it, you know, but it's me making up something and that

830
00:52:48.760 --> 00:52:53.320
you're gonna notice. That's different. If I make something

831
00:52:53.320 --> 00:52:58.880
up to, you know, yeah. Um, so just to take the pressure off,

832
00:52:58.880 --> 00:53:02.760
like, that's, that's one hot tip I would give you is just I mean,

833
00:53:02.760 --> 00:53:05.840
whenever I worship, I'm like, God, if you don't land on my

834
00:53:05.840 --> 00:53:09.640
voice, like, it's just gonna be me singing. So I mean, I

835
00:53:09.640 --> 00:53:12.560
preferred a few show up, you know, and I think the people

836
00:53:12.760 --> 00:53:16.800
here would prefer that too. So I think to me, it's, it's, it's

837
00:53:16.800 --> 00:53:22.160
definitely very different to perform like in a choir or like,

838
00:53:22.640 --> 00:53:26.480
a concert than worship, because I feel like worship, it's like,

839
00:53:26.480 --> 00:53:29.640
it's all on God. It's like, I'm just here. Like, you can use me.

840
00:53:29.680 --> 00:53:38.800
But yeah. Um, so I think those things are good. Um, and mainly

841
00:53:38.800 --> 00:53:42.880
I'm feeling good. I was really super joyful, like earlier this

842
00:53:42.880 --> 00:53:46.600
week, and then my doctor, Renata, and I used to have the

843
00:53:46.600 --> 00:53:49.960
same doctor, I don't know if you have the same one anymore. But

844
00:53:49.960 --> 00:53:54.080
yeah, okay. Um, she has a very nice way of so she wrote me and

845
00:53:54.080 --> 00:53:58.080
she's like, Oh, so Annette, you're heavily under medicated.

846
00:53:58.080 --> 00:54:03.760
I have thyroid disease. So I use medication. And she's like, it

847
00:54:03.760 --> 00:54:07.680
shows up, you're heavily under medicated. Is it like, have you

848
00:54:07.680 --> 00:54:12.040
been feeling over medicated? And then you've just like, a changed

849
00:54:12.040 --> 00:54:17.360
your medicine. I love that she just thinks that I do that. No.

850
00:54:18.360 --> 00:54:21.200
But then, but then I was like, Oh, my goodness, I actually

851
00:54:21.200 --> 00:54:24.840
haven't taken medication for two weeks. That's really bad. Because

852
00:54:24.840 --> 00:54:30.000
I forgot to get new pills. So on one hand, I'm like, super

853
00:54:30.000 --> 00:54:32.600
joyful and like all of this. And I'm like, Oh, it makes sense why

854
00:54:32.600 --> 00:54:35.960
I'm being so tired. And that could also have an impact on

855
00:54:35.960 --> 00:54:38.280
like me gaining weight, you know, because I mean, that's a

856
00:54:38.280 --> 00:54:46.240
direct thing for it. But so so we'll see. But yeah, so I feel

857
00:54:47.640 --> 00:54:52.800
my heart is restful. I feel restful, peaceful, for the most

858
00:54:52.800 --> 00:54:58.560
part, like even in this chaotic Texas job. I feel restful. I

859
00:54:58.560 --> 00:54:59.000
have

860
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:11.000
It's probably there, there's been an ongoing Renata knows some of it this we're working with a lawyer practically.

861
00:55:11.000 --> 00:55:14.000
Because of

862
00:55:14.000 --> 00:55:16.000
in in in Texas.

863
00:55:16.000 --> 00:55:21.000
You have something called entrapment. We don't have that here.

864
00:55:21.000 --> 00:55:31.000
So I think if we had entrapment here we could have like pretty much sued this one woman for entrapping my dad.

865
00:55:31.000 --> 00:55:49.000
Is it taking advantage of the elderly is what it is. Yeah, monitor. Yeah, wow. Yeah, it's like so or, or, well it's, yeah, it's or it's just when you actually entrapped someone and like scam them for money and like I don't yeah it's, it's different.

866
00:55:50.000 --> 00:56:06.000
So, um, so anyways after his passing, the lawyers are going through and it's like, it's really really bad, like a lot of it so I think too much so and it's things I haven't been able to talk about and I hopefully tomorrow they're going to send over to her

867
00:56:06.000 --> 00:56:12.000
or to her lawyer and then I can once it's all like then I can start speaking more freely about it anyways.

868
00:56:12.000 --> 00:56:16.000
I feel super peaceful about that as well.

869
00:56:16.000 --> 00:56:27.000
My mom is stressing out she doesn't know too much so all that to say, there's a lot of chaotic things going on that could like throw me off but I feel super peaceful, peaceful.

870
00:56:27.000 --> 00:56:41.000
At the same time, I think I noticed because of like gaining weight that I'm like okay well clearly something is off. And so one of my little things was like, I'm super joyful everything is amazing.

871
00:56:41.000 --> 00:56:49.000
And then the other one was kind of like feeling, oh my goodness I'm feeling kind of like, which I've been feeling for a really long time.

872
00:56:49.000 --> 00:57:06.000
Almost like I'm on a parallel track, you know, it's kind of like, Oh, am I on the wrong train, you know what I mean like I don't know if that makes sense but part of me knows that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be even in this crazy job because God

873
00:57:06.000 --> 00:57:13.000
and I feel like it's very temporary I think something's going to happen like really fast to change.

874
00:57:13.000 --> 00:57:20.000
But I still probably have the fear but what if not, what if I'm actually stuck here, you know what I mean.

875
00:57:20.000 --> 00:57:35.000
And then that's the same with the weight I'm like oh my goodness now I'm starting to gain weight like normally that's an indication for me that I'm not doing well like there's something that is off, you know, um, it's mainly I'll be gaining weight,

876
00:57:35.000 --> 00:57:42.000
or I'll get like a throat disease or something you know like that then it's like an indication that something is off.

877
00:57:42.000 --> 00:57:58.000
And I've had a throat disease for like December and January, and now I'm like gaining weight so I'm like, so even if I'm feeling kind of like peaceful and thinking oh everything is good I'm like there are some indications where I'm like, well I'm gaining weight,

878
00:57:58.000 --> 00:58:01.000
and I'm also kind of.

879
00:58:01.000 --> 00:58:11.000
Even if I, on some level and feeling peaceful that I am where I'm supposed to be, I knew he told me to give up like America.

880
00:58:11.000 --> 00:58:26.000
When I left in March last year and I would crying about that and I, but then, but then when he told me I'm not asking you to give it up, I'm just asking you to surrender so I'm like, well, that just whatever that looks like I know he has a plan, and it's

881
00:58:26.000 --> 00:58:38.000
for me not to try to figure it out by myself or do it by myself because whatever doors you open you have to hold them open yourself right and I don't want to do that.

882
00:58:38.000 --> 00:58:45.000
So on those levels I'm doing, like, I'm trusting him I'm like oh well you told me this and, and I'm.

883
00:58:45.000 --> 00:58:54.000
And I think I come back to like the same things that have been, and I guess I'm trying to figure out the route so it's the weight thing.

884
00:58:54.000 --> 00:59:04.000
It's the what do I do with like my investments and and like the, the urge to kind of

885
00:59:05.000 --> 00:59:17.000
bad to like make something of myself because that's not what I mean but like, I have this like I'd love to like make an impact like something positive in someone's life you know what I mean like, I guess I do that.

886
00:59:17.000 --> 00:59:32.000
We all do that in our lives you know what I mean like wherever we are in our family in our work, but I think I touched on that another time like where I know you told me just well just release it and be and whatever will be will be so.

887
00:59:33.000 --> 00:59:44.000
So it's, but but I feel like I come back to those things it's the weight, it's the, the investment slash doing something, making like starting something myself to have this free life.

888
00:59:44.000 --> 01:00:00.000
And it's the being single, whereas, like, I'm also fine in all areas it's not like a desperation like where it used to be but there's still this like, I don't know.

889
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:05.680
I can't, I can't pinpoint it because sometimes I'm like, well, did I just give up? You know what I

890
01:00:05.680 --> 01:00:11.440
mean? Like, is it just like, am I at peace or don't, or is it that I just don't care anymore?

891
01:00:11.440 --> 01:00:16.960
You know what I mean? Like, did I, am I just like, well, I'm at peaceful because I just don't

892
01:00:16.960 --> 01:00:23.520
care or like, but I'm, yeah, I'm strangely at peace, even though I'm like, even, even like

893
01:00:23.520 --> 01:00:27.440
with the conference coming up and everything, I'm like, oh, I'd love to be there in person

894
01:00:27.440 --> 01:00:33.360
before. I'd probably have super FOMO. There was a conference in Texas, Renata, but I'm like,

895
01:00:33.360 --> 01:00:38.560
I'd probably have super FOMO. And now I'm just like, it's fine. Like, and I don't think it's

896
01:00:38.560 --> 01:00:43.520
that I'm just like, oh, I've given up. It's just more that, no, it's not where I'm supposed to be

897
01:00:43.520 --> 01:00:52.240
right now. And it's okay. Yeah. So it's this strange place. I don't know if it makes sense.

898
01:00:52.240 --> 01:00:58.480
So I'm fine, but I don't think I'm fine. Yeah. But I can't pinpoint it, you know? Yeah.

899
01:00:59.120 --> 01:01:07.840
Yeah. No. Yeah. Well, something that you were saying kind of struck me, you were talking about,

900
01:01:07.840 --> 01:01:14.000
you know, your desire to do more where you're like, you know, and then you worded it of like,

901
01:01:14.000 --> 01:01:18.320
well, you know, I'd like to like really have an impact in someone's life. And then you try to like,

902
01:01:18.320 --> 01:01:22.880
well, you know, I know that we all do that every day and, you know, we're trying to like,

903
01:01:24.480 --> 01:01:29.600
you know, acknowledge the fact that, well, you know, I know that it's that what we do every

904
01:01:29.600 --> 01:01:35.840
day, it almost as if what you're currently doing should be enough. And so, and so you're like

905
01:01:35.840 --> 01:01:40.160
trying to like talk yourself out of it and all of that. But I just wanted to acknowledge to you

906
01:01:40.160 --> 01:01:46.880
that, um, that, uh, I believe that that, um, that, that, you know, feeling that you have

907
01:01:46.880 --> 01:01:54.800
is very good and that there's a way that you can lean into it if you will now. And so what I have

908
01:01:54.800 --> 01:02:06.560
noticed for me is that if I am living where I feel like I'm connected to, um, to myself, like

909
01:02:06.560 --> 01:02:14.400
who it is that I actually am, who it is that God values and that that thing, in other words,

910
01:02:14.400 --> 01:02:25.680
my being is being expressed, I'm having an outlet for it. Then that ends up, um, uh, then I end up

911
01:02:25.680 --> 01:02:33.200
not feeling so much FOMO, even FOMO for things like, I'd really like to impact somebody's life

912
01:02:33.760 --> 01:02:38.480
because what we have a tendency to do is we have a tendency to feel because we felt like we were

913
01:02:38.480 --> 01:02:44.240
meant for more. So let's, let's connect with who it is that we really are and live that more.

914
01:02:44.240 --> 01:02:49.120
Now it depends on our season as to what the more looks like. Does it look like starting

915
01:02:49.120 --> 01:02:54.800
a business right now? Does it look like actually be going off on your own and doing that? Does it

916
01:02:54.800 --> 01:03:00.560
look like you're volunteering at a shelter and you're impacting people in this way or whatever,

917
01:03:00.560 --> 01:03:04.960
or does it just look a bit different? Does it just look like you're getting to do some cool

918
01:03:04.960 --> 01:03:08.800
hobbies that you really, really like? And you happen to be doing them with other people that

919
01:03:08.800 --> 01:03:14.000
really, really like to do those things. And in the natural course of y'all just living,

920
01:03:14.000 --> 01:03:18.720
you end up impacting those people simply because you're being you, you're not even trying to

921
01:03:18.720 --> 01:03:24.240
proselytize and evangelize or anything. It's just you being you. And then you end up impacting,

922
01:03:24.240 --> 01:03:28.640
but you couldn't have even predicted that because you thought that you were selfishly having fun.

923
01:03:29.600 --> 01:03:35.280
You know? So my point is that I think that it's important. And what I would recommend is that

924
01:03:35.280 --> 01:03:39.840
you just really, and, and I know this sounds really weird to word it like this, but just

925
01:03:39.840 --> 01:03:44.000
really connect with who it is that you are and do what it is that, you know, I've been trying to,

926
01:03:44.000 --> 01:03:49.840
that I've just been really feeling is a, is a very big theme for everybody in this particular

927
01:03:49.840 --> 01:03:56.080
rest intensive, every rest intensive has a general, general theme or a few or a few different

928
01:03:56.080 --> 01:04:02.160
themes. But it'll just kind of be highlighted. And one of them is that for everyone, I've just

929
01:04:02.160 --> 01:04:06.960
been feeling for them that they seem to like, everyone needed to be focusing really on,

930
01:04:08.640 --> 01:04:13.680
on being enough for themselves, on enjoying themselves and really allowing

931
01:04:16.800 --> 01:04:22.400
and choosing that they are valued in the way that God says that they're valued.

932
01:04:22.400 --> 01:04:30.640
And then actually acting on it by acting on that truth by really, you know, doing things,

933
01:04:30.640 --> 01:04:34.800
the things that they just really are enjoy. And then you'll feel that there are things in you of

934
01:04:34.800 --> 01:04:40.960
who it is that you actually are, that are being expressed, that feel like they are changing things.

935
01:04:40.960 --> 01:04:44.720
Even if you're thinking that, you know, I feel like I'm just doing a hobby,

936
01:04:44.720 --> 01:04:50.160
but there are ways in which our hobbies aren't things that maybe the world would look,

937
01:04:50.160 --> 01:04:54.880
look at as life changing, but God is saying, Hey, you are expressing your spirit into the earth.

938
01:04:54.880 --> 01:04:59.920
And that is what changes creation. Your spirit needs to be expressing itself into the earth.

939
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:06.720
And it doesn't have to be always accomplishing something that the world looks at as a, as

940
01:05:06.720 --> 01:05:14.080
a, Oh yeah, you're, you're like doing this for posterity and you're, or you're investing

941
01:05:14.080 --> 01:05:19.260
or you're increasing fame or you're increasing money or you're increasing something.

942
01:05:19.260 --> 01:05:24.200
It doesn't always have to be measured that way in order to be measured in the spirit

943
01:05:24.200 --> 01:05:28.000
as something that you're doing that's literally transforming creation.

944
01:05:28.000 --> 01:05:32.760
It's freeing it in some way, but in order for creation to be freed, you can't be doing

945
01:05:32.760 --> 01:05:36.360
something that the world says is, is, um, needs to be done.

946
01:05:36.360 --> 01:05:40.720
You actually have to be expressing your spirit because it's interaction with your spirit

947
01:05:40.720 --> 01:05:42.440
that's connected with God's spirit.

948
01:05:42.440 --> 01:05:46.360
That's actually going to free it and change something because it's just looking to know

949
01:05:46.360 --> 01:05:47.560
whether or not it's safe.

950
01:05:47.560 --> 01:05:53.000
So it knows how to change as opposed to how can I manipulate earth to do what it is that

951
01:05:53.000 --> 01:05:54.480
I want.

952
01:05:54.480 --> 01:05:55.480
That's not what we want.

953
01:05:55.480 --> 01:05:57.080
We want to just be who it is that we are.

954
01:05:57.080 --> 01:06:04.000
And then creation looks at us, gets new instruction and changes as a result as a response to it.

955
01:06:04.000 --> 01:06:09.280
So anyway, I think that, and then also along with that, the more that you do that, the

956
01:06:09.280 --> 01:06:17.680
more, the more, the less resistance that you have to actually hearing God clearly and kind

957
01:06:17.680 --> 01:06:22.840
of seeing things clearly of like the timing of starting a new business and what you would

958
01:06:22.840 --> 01:06:27.920
do, you know, um, because you're like, well, I don't know what it is that I would do.

959
01:06:27.920 --> 01:06:33.160
You get more clarity when you stop trying to figure it out and you start being a bit

960
01:06:33.160 --> 01:06:38.480
more, you start because you're, that you're people's favorite businesses are the things

961
01:06:38.480 --> 01:06:41.440
that, that just feel like it's not even work.

962
01:06:41.440 --> 01:06:44.000
We're like, I can't believe I get paid to do this.

963
01:06:44.000 --> 01:06:46.040
You know, like me with the rest intensive.

964
01:06:46.040 --> 01:06:47.040
I love it.

965
01:06:47.040 --> 01:06:49.880
I'm like, I can't believe that this is the, this is my ministry.

966
01:06:49.880 --> 01:06:54.160
This is my, this is my life's work, you know, because this just feels like it's me being

967
01:06:54.160 --> 01:06:55.160
me.

968
01:06:55.160 --> 01:06:59.320
Most other people, they, they do what I do and they're just sitting on the couch, just

969
01:06:59.320 --> 01:07:00.760
chatting with someone over tea.

970
01:07:00.760 --> 01:07:05.320
For me, that's my ministry, you know, and I, because, and it's natural and it just feels

971
01:07:05.320 --> 01:07:10.800
like me being me and whatever, but I, but in order for that to happen, I had to just,

972
01:07:10.800 --> 01:07:15.200
I had to really connect with, I had to stop like trying to figure it all out.

973
01:07:15.200 --> 01:07:19.760
I just kind of had to, I just kind of had to stop a lot of the, a lot of the resistance

974
01:07:19.760 --> 01:07:25.120
and just think, okay, who really, what makes me feel alive?

975
01:07:25.120 --> 01:07:29.160
What makes me feel like me, you know, and then I just walk that out with the Lord.

976
01:07:29.160 --> 01:07:32.920
So the point is, I think that some of the questions that you're wanting to answer will

977
01:07:32.920 --> 01:07:38.240
come when you stop trying to figure them out when you start connecting with who it is that

978
01:07:38.240 --> 01:07:39.240
you are.

979
01:07:39.240 --> 01:07:42.320
You know, I mean like for instance, one thing that you do, you like to bake and you've been

980
01:07:42.320 --> 01:07:45.200
doing that and you like to swim, so you've been doing that.

981
01:07:45.200 --> 01:07:49.920
And so, I mean, I don't know, I didn't know if there's like some other, other thing that

982
01:07:49.920 --> 01:07:54.000
you enjoy doing or another way that you like to live or life.

983
01:07:54.000 --> 01:07:57.840
For me, I know this might sound really weird, but for me, one of the ways that I like to

984
01:07:57.840 --> 01:08:01.800
live life is I like time to like enjoy moments.

985
01:08:01.800 --> 01:08:06.480
So I like getting up and having a very, and getting ready and then having a very leisurely

986
01:08:06.480 --> 01:08:12.200
breakfast and just sitting there and listening to the birds and I'm drinking my tea.

987
01:08:12.200 --> 01:08:14.840
And I love that.

988
01:08:14.840 --> 01:08:19.240
Hands down one of my favorite times of the day, period, you know, it's not watching TV.

989
01:08:19.240 --> 01:08:20.240
It's not doing all that.

990
01:08:20.240 --> 01:08:24.359
It is doing something that everybody else would be looking at, you know, someone thinking,

991
01:08:24.359 --> 01:08:26.319
Hey, look, Ashley, you're lazy.

992
01:08:26.319 --> 01:08:30.359
There's so much stuff that you could be packing into that hour.

993
01:08:30.359 --> 01:08:34.200
I'm like, this makes me feel like me.

994
01:08:34.200 --> 01:08:35.479
It makes me feel alive.

995
01:08:35.479 --> 01:08:40.800
It makes me feel like I'm as weird as it sounds impacting creation in a unique way.

996
01:08:40.800 --> 01:08:45.040
So anyway, so that's what I would recommend.

997
01:08:45.040 --> 01:08:49.960
I think that a lot of your questions will get answered by honoring who it is that God

998
01:08:49.960 --> 01:08:54.720
says that you are, instead of trying to think, Lord, what is it that I should do?

999
01:08:54.720 --> 01:08:55.720
Yeah.

1000
01:08:55.720 --> 01:08:56.720
Yeah.

1001
01:08:56.720 --> 01:08:57.720
Yeah.

1002
01:08:57.720 --> 01:09:02.200
I think I need to come back to like the, I think that's what I'm trying to figure out.

1003
01:09:02.200 --> 01:09:03.680
Like who am I?

1004
01:09:03.680 --> 01:09:05.399
What do I really enjoy to do?

1005
01:09:05.399 --> 01:09:07.160
Like, what did I do when I was little?

1006
01:09:07.160 --> 01:09:10.560
I think I've been trying to like, go back and figure that out.

1007
01:09:10.560 --> 01:09:15.600
And it's like, I don't know, you know, and that's a lot of like the Pedro stuff too.

1008
01:09:15.600 --> 01:09:20.720
Like, Oh, well, what do you do and what are you naturally gifted at and what do you enjoy

1009
01:09:20.720 --> 01:09:22.600
doing and what do people say?

1010
01:09:22.600 --> 01:09:31.840
And like, I'm trying to, yeah, I need to like, find that because on one level, I feel like

1011
01:09:32.840 --> 01:09:42.920
yeah, like God told me, give up that, like lay that down and then just like, I don't

1012
01:09:42.920 --> 01:09:46.600
know, like a rest this time, you know, like, so I feel like I'm in a resting.

1013
01:09:46.600 --> 01:09:52.240
So obviously that's why it was very timely with the rest intensive, you know?

1014
01:09:52.240 --> 01:09:57.800
And I think as it's already like, it's almost March and I'm like, Oh my goodness, I haven't

1015
01:09:57.800 --> 01:09:58.800
done anything.

1016
01:09:58.800 --> 01:09:59.960
Like, you know, obviously.

1017
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:02.880
a half, because I like started a new job, I'm doing this, I'm

1018
01:10:02.880 --> 01:10:07.040
like all of that, but it just feels like, I'd love to know.

1019
01:10:08.960 --> 01:10:13.000
Like you're saying, like, what, like, we're like, intentionally

1020
01:10:13.400 --> 01:10:17.520
working towards something, you know, I think that's what I've

1021
01:10:17.520 --> 01:10:21.280
been missing for all this time is that what I've noticed is

1022
01:10:21.280 --> 01:10:24.560
that if I spend my time, if I'm good, like, I love the mornings

1023
01:10:24.560 --> 01:10:29.000
like you do. And if I have time, and I do that, or set aside

1024
01:10:29.000 --> 01:10:32.320
time, so that's why it's one of my focus things is, I've noticed

1025
01:10:32.320 --> 01:10:37.720
the times that I really lose myself in worship, then

1026
01:10:37.720 --> 01:10:40.840
everything just flows the rest of the day, like everything just

1027
01:10:40.840 --> 01:10:44.720
like falls into place. But I haven't done that for really,

1028
01:10:44.720 --> 01:10:49.600
really long time. And I love it when I'm there. But it's always

1029
01:10:49.640 --> 01:10:55.400
a struggle to kind of like, get into it. I don't know why. Um,

1030
01:10:56.120 --> 01:10:59.120
if I put on worship music, like, I love it. I love worshiping,

1031
01:10:59.120 --> 01:11:03.040
like, I'll, I'll do that. But like, really, really getting

1032
01:11:03.040 --> 01:11:08.280
locked in it. And just so I think sometimes I just feel like

1033
01:11:08.280 --> 01:11:11.920
I'm floating along. And I mean, I there was a few years where I

1034
01:11:11.920 --> 01:11:15.560
did that when I just like, like I said, I like I mentioned, like

1035
01:11:15.560 --> 01:11:20.120
just got up, got up to this, like, crazy experiences and met

1036
01:11:20.120 --> 01:11:27.720
all these amazing people. Um, but um, yeah, I think like one

1037
01:11:27.720 --> 01:11:30.720
of them, so just like, just because you know who he is, like

1038
01:11:30.720 --> 01:11:34.440
or you've known of him, like, like Pedro, it's like, I was in

1039
01:11:34.440 --> 01:11:39.520
Mozambique, and he was prayed over. And it was like, oh,

1040
01:11:39.520 --> 01:11:43.040
you'll impact like the nations. And then the year after he

1041
01:11:43.040 --> 01:11:46.960
started, like, talking on Facebook, and then like, now

1042
01:11:46.960 --> 01:11:50.760
four years after it's been like this crazy, right for him.

1043
01:11:50.800 --> 01:11:53.840
Yeah, like hanging out with Tony Robbins and getting to

1044
01:11:53.840 --> 01:11:57.200
influence that, like, it's insane to see, like, when we're

1045
01:11:57.200 --> 01:12:00.000
sitting in a hut and like laughing, you know, and he was

1046
01:12:00.000 --> 01:12:02.880
still like, just doing his insurance thing or something

1047
01:12:02.880 --> 01:12:07.200
like he's a really funny guy, but to see like, what has

1048
01:12:07.200 --> 01:12:11.320
happened in his life in four years, and I was like, wow. And

1049
01:12:11.320 --> 01:12:14.560
like, not just that, but like all of the other people around

1050
01:12:14.560 --> 01:12:17.440
him that and I'm just like, man, I just want to be

1051
01:12:17.440 --> 01:12:20.120
intentional. Like he says he gets tricked into it. So it's

1052
01:12:20.120 --> 01:12:23.440
like, I just want to be intentional. I know something

1053
01:12:23.440 --> 01:12:25.640
has to do with building character. And I don't really

1054
01:12:25.640 --> 01:12:29.800
know. And part of me is peaceful, because I know, or I

1055
01:12:29.800 --> 01:12:33.600
believe that God has a plan. And something is about building

1056
01:12:33.600 --> 01:12:36.400
character, something is about timing, something is about like

1057
01:12:36.400 --> 01:12:41.600
all these different things. And then sometimes I think I get

1058
01:12:41.600 --> 01:12:43.360
caught up in like, oh, my goodness, I'm not doing

1059
01:12:43.360 --> 01:12:45.640
anything. I don't know what I'm good at. I don't know what I

1060
01:12:45.640 --> 01:12:49.400
enjoy doing. What if I'm just wasting time? What if this isn't

1061
01:12:49.400 --> 01:12:52.680
happening? Because I'm not do you know what I mean? Because

1062
01:12:52.680 --> 01:12:57.720
I'm just like floating along. And, and I don't know why I

1063
01:12:57.720 --> 01:13:01.160
think that because he's shown me so many times, that's not how

1064
01:13:01.160 --> 01:13:04.000
it is. And even in just like landing in this job, and like

1065
01:13:04.000 --> 01:13:07.200
one month, you know, one and a half month, like, that doesn't

1066
01:13:07.200 --> 01:13:11.960
happen here either. Usually, it's like, so I believe him,

1067
01:13:11.960 --> 01:13:18.480
but I then I second guess, again. So yeah, yeah. I don't

1068
01:13:18.480 --> 01:13:21.080
know if that's probably part of what journey.

1069
01:13:22.400 --> 01:13:27.680
I remember one time that I was, I'd been looking for a job for

1070
01:13:28.200 --> 01:13:33.640
eight, nine, eight months, and couldn't find a job. So I

1071
01:13:33.640 --> 01:13:37.600
finally just had to quit my job. Because I'd been looking for

1072
01:13:37.600 --> 01:13:42.640
eight months in order to leave and I couldn't and then I had to

1073
01:13:42.640 --> 01:13:45.160
get out of my apartment because I could no longer afford my

1074
01:13:45.160 --> 01:13:54.240
apartment. And then for how many months? Three months? Was it

1075
01:13:54.240 --> 01:13:59.400
three months? Yeah, for three months after I quit my job, I

1076
01:13:59.400 --> 01:14:03.680
still didn't have a I still still didn't have a job. And I

1077
01:14:03.680 --> 01:14:07.520
had been applying places I had been putting out my resume

1078
01:14:07.520 --> 01:14:14.320
everywhere I had been. And I even had people that were very

1079
01:14:14.320 --> 01:14:19.280
wealthy, very high up trying to trying to like use their use

1080
01:14:19.280 --> 01:14:23.040
their connections. And God wasn't allowing that to work. I

1081
01:14:23.040 --> 01:14:25.680
mean, nothing even my mom was like, Okay, actually, this

1082
01:14:25.680 --> 01:14:27.760
doesn't happen. I was like, I know. She's like, you're doing

1083
01:14:27.760 --> 01:14:31.000
all of the things and nothing's working. Like most people don't

1084
01:14:31.000 --> 01:14:33.760
even have the benefits that you do meaning like the connections

1085
01:14:33.760 --> 01:14:37.720
that I did not that are working for you. And, and it's not

1086
01:14:37.720 --> 01:14:41.400
working for you. I was like, I know. And anyway, so I but I was

1087
01:14:41.440 --> 01:14:43.840
emotionally like what you're talking about, you know, earlier

1088
01:14:43.840 --> 01:14:48.160
or not, emotionally, I was carrying this responsibility of

1089
01:14:48.160 --> 01:14:51.800
in order to be responsible for the Lord, I have to have a job

1090
01:14:51.800 --> 01:14:54.640
and I have to and I have to get one and I don't know, you know,

1091
01:14:54.640 --> 01:14:57.640
why I'm not I'm working so hard to try to find one or whatever.

1092
01:14:57.920 --> 01:14:58.480
Well,

1093
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:08.800
Uh, the Lord finally told me again, what was this, 11 months into looking for a job.

1094
01:15:08.800 --> 01:15:17.200
He told me, um, he said, Ashley, I have given you this time to rest and you're wasting it.

1095
01:15:17.200 --> 01:15:21.400
You have not been resting because I haven't allowed you to have a job.

1096
01:15:21.400 --> 01:15:26.120
You needed time to heal from the place that you had left and all of that.

1097
01:15:26.120 --> 01:15:28.220
And I gave you this time.

1098
01:15:28.220 --> 01:15:33.360
And he said, you have just, he didn't use the word waste, but you know, he said, you've

1099
01:15:33.360 --> 01:15:40.680
used it to stress and to be worried and to fight and to struggle.

1100
01:15:40.680 --> 01:15:44.880
Um, and he said, and I gave this to you as a gift.

1101
01:15:44.880 --> 01:15:47.900
And I was like, Oh my word, Lord, I am so sorry.

1102
01:15:47.900 --> 01:15:51.760
This is so neat that you would let me rest, that you would give this to me as a gift where

1103
01:15:51.760 --> 01:15:55.880
I just didn't have this responsibility looming over me that I thought that you put there

1104
01:15:55.880 --> 01:15:58.780
of like, you got to go have a job and whatever.

1105
01:15:58.780 --> 01:16:02.440
And so I thought, okay, I'm finally going to let go.

1106
01:16:02.440 --> 01:16:03.440
I'm going to start resting.

1107
01:16:03.440 --> 01:16:04.960
And this is long before I knew about rest.

1108
01:16:04.960 --> 01:16:09.760
This was years before I heard about rest and, um, and that, and I think it was three days

1109
01:16:09.760 --> 01:16:12.400
later I got a call, um, for a job.

1110
01:16:12.400 --> 01:16:15.800
I was like, okay, I was like, Laura, this is a bummer.

1111
01:16:15.800 --> 01:16:20.400
Right when I figured out that you wouldn't let me rest, you know, I finally get the job,

1112
01:16:20.400 --> 01:16:21.400
but it was like, there you go.

1113
01:16:21.400 --> 01:16:30.240
So my point is that I now look back on that time and I see, I look on that as a very precious

1114
01:16:30.240 --> 01:16:31.240
time.

1115
01:16:31.240 --> 01:16:37.360
It was a time that because I wasn't, because I was resting, even though I, there was emotionally,

1116
01:16:37.360 --> 01:16:46.200
I wasn't, um, I would, I filled up my time with other things that were just fun to me.

1117
01:16:46.200 --> 01:16:47.200
We're not talking about work.

1118
01:16:47.200 --> 01:16:48.920
We're just talking about fun.

1119
01:16:48.920 --> 01:16:53.200
But I mean, I would, I, I, I exercised and I would go to the grocery store and I would

1120
01:16:53.200 --> 01:16:54.200
watch cooking shows.

1121
01:16:54.200 --> 01:16:57.800
And this is the very first time I'd ever watched cooking shows and I would start cooking things

1122
01:16:57.800 --> 01:16:59.560
to try new stuff and whatever.

1123
01:16:59.560 --> 01:17:07.120
And I look back on that time and I remember it as a, as a time in which I feel enriched

1124
01:17:07.120 --> 01:17:14.640
that I was being sewn into by how I was living, how I was expressing myself, how I was allowing

1125
01:17:14.640 --> 01:17:16.360
myself to enjoy things.

1126
01:17:16.360 --> 01:17:21.320
I was being sewn into instead of pouring out so much.

1127
01:17:21.320 --> 01:17:27.360
And, um, and it was something that has, that has, I have benefited from ever since was

1128
01:17:27.360 --> 01:17:33.280
that time, the time where I didn't have a job and I was doing nothing.

1129
01:17:33.280 --> 01:17:39.800
I worked on, I did crafts, I did, um, I tried, I started trying new, new crafts that I had

1130
01:17:39.800 --> 01:17:40.800
never tried before.

1131
01:17:40.800 --> 01:17:47.760
And like I said, I was trying new, um, uh, new, uh, recipes and I was watching some fun

1132
01:17:47.760 --> 01:17:54.280
television shows with people and, but all the time I was just feeling guilty that I

1133
01:17:54.280 --> 01:17:55.280
should be doing something else.

1134
01:17:55.280 --> 01:18:02.120
So anyway, my point is hindsight 2020, looking back, you know, I now realize, wow, actually

1135
01:18:02.120 --> 01:18:07.680
I feel when I think back on that time, even though I wasn't paying attention to what it

1136
01:18:07.680 --> 01:18:16.680
is that God was wanting that time for, I see now, and I feel in me now how enriched

1137
01:18:16.680 --> 01:18:20.920
that I made myself my, my life during that time.

1138
01:18:20.920 --> 01:18:25.360
So my point is that I know that there's some stuff like, oh, well, I want to do something

1139
01:18:25.360 --> 01:18:29.360
and I want to know what's the next thing I should be working towards.

1140
01:18:29.360 --> 01:18:37.560
Maybe this is a time where you were supposed to be sewn into by the world and by the

1141
01:18:38.440 --> 01:18:44.000
world, meaning like creation and, and what's available and just whatever, that it serves

1142
01:18:44.000 --> 01:18:51.360
you and that God is pouring into you and as opposed to something that you have to do.

1143
01:18:51.360 --> 01:18:56.320
And like in a manner of speaking, there's a way in which you get to be along for the

1144
01:18:56.320 --> 01:18:57.320
ride right now.

1145
01:18:57.320 --> 01:19:05.760
You get to be carried along as opposed to driving something forward and that it's just,

1146
01:19:06.000 --> 01:19:10.280
it's just a gift and you just see it just for what it is because sure, it doesn't include

1147
01:19:10.280 --> 01:19:11.280
everything.

1148
01:19:11.280 --> 01:19:16.240
It doesn't include the fact that you actually are doing a particular thing that you're driving

1149
01:19:16.240 --> 01:19:18.000
towards and whatever.

1150
01:19:18.000 --> 01:19:19.000
That's great.

1151
01:19:19.000 --> 01:19:20.300
And that's for a different season.

1152
01:19:20.300 --> 01:19:25.040
And so right now that this season, so it didn't mean that one's not going to come, but you

1153
01:19:25.040 --> 01:19:30.240
know, so it's, it's, so you can ask the Lord if there's something that you could be taking

1154
01:19:30.240 --> 01:19:38.160
advantage of that you could be now that he intends to be included in this time of rest.

1155
01:19:38.160 --> 01:19:40.920
That's more than just, oh, I'm doing nothing.

1156
01:19:40.920 --> 01:19:46.200
And I keep, in other words, I'm waiting and Lord, I'm tired of waiting.

1157
01:19:46.200 --> 01:19:48.440
I would like it to be now.

1158
01:19:48.440 --> 01:19:51.720
I would like it to be, you know, me for once.

1159
01:19:51.720 --> 01:19:52.720
Yes.

1160
01:19:52.720 --> 01:19:53.720
Everybody else.

1161
01:19:53.720 --> 01:19:54.720
It's everybody else.

1162
01:19:54.720 --> 01:19:57.880
And it's, and then, and, and it's not me.

1163
01:19:57.880 --> 01:20:00.040
But for me, it's always later, you know?

1164
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:05.760
I'd like it to be me now, you know? And so my point is that maybe it's just he's like,

1165
01:20:05.760 --> 01:20:12.240
but for all of them, there are certain things that I'm pushing them in. And for you,

1166
01:20:12.240 --> 01:20:18.800
I'm giving to you. So it could just be a change in perspective. So anyway, you could ask him,

1167
01:20:19.760 --> 01:20:23.200
because I don't know, I don't know what he's told you, I don't know what is included in your

1168
01:20:23.200 --> 01:20:31.360
time of rest, but that's an idea. So you can ask him. Because stuff will come out of the questions

1169
01:20:31.360 --> 01:20:37.520
that you want, the answers to the questions that you have, I believe will come, it's just me

1170
01:20:37.520 --> 01:20:45.520
talking. I don't know if this is necessarily prophetic or not. But I believe that it'll be,

1171
01:20:45.520 --> 01:20:51.440
it'll come out of this time where you let go of requiring it of God and of yourself.

1172
01:20:52.080 --> 01:20:58.320
And then it will naturally come out of this because you let it go. And then all of a sudden

1173
01:20:58.320 --> 01:21:02.400
it could appear and all of a sudden it could show you something that you didn't even know to look for.

1174
01:21:03.120 --> 01:21:09.200
Yeah, maybe. Anyway, because if you look, that's really good. I'll have to, I'll have to figure out

1175
01:21:09.200 --> 01:21:16.560
how. I think that's, that's really key to let it go and to not require it from me or from God.

1176
01:21:16.640 --> 01:21:22.160
I just, I don't know how to do that, but I will figure it out. I mean, I'll go back to the rest

1177
01:21:22.160 --> 01:21:27.920
tools. Yeah. Yeah. If you look for it, you may not be able to find it. Yeah. Is my point. And

1178
01:21:27.920 --> 01:21:34.560
so if you stop looking for it, it can, it can show up, it can appear, it can be revealed really.

1179
01:21:35.440 --> 01:21:40.320
And so, yeah, so not holding, you know, I was talking about like accusations against God.

1180
01:21:41.040 --> 01:21:46.320
Um, one of the things that the, um, some of the other leaders are finding very helpful

1181
01:21:46.320 --> 01:21:52.000
is writing it down, writing down their, um, writing down their conversations with the Lord

1182
01:21:52.000 --> 01:21:55.760
questions that they're, that they're asking him instead of just sitting there praying them,

1183
01:21:55.760 --> 01:22:00.240
they'll write it out. And then their conversations, the Lord will be in writing.

1184
01:22:00.240 --> 01:22:05.360
They'll say, okay, Lord, you know, this is what I'm asking you right now. And they ask it

1185
01:22:05.360 --> 01:22:11.040
in the writing. And then they, they don't, it's not recording what they're asking him.

1186
01:22:11.040 --> 01:22:17.040
They're asking in the writing and then they get his answer and then whatever. And then they go

1187
01:22:17.040 --> 01:22:20.640
back and forth. And one of the things that they say that they've discovered is because I told

1188
01:22:20.640 --> 01:22:24.560
them, I said, you know, there's probably, you know, accusations against God that y'all have

1189
01:22:24.560 --> 01:22:29.120
been, um, that y'all have. And they, they were all like, I don't think I have any accusations

1190
01:22:29.120 --> 01:22:34.640
against God until they started writing down their conversations with God. And then it all came out.

1191
01:22:34.640 --> 01:22:40.720
They're like, Oh, my word. But that's what all those things are of like what we're holding

1192
01:22:40.720 --> 01:22:46.800
against God or what we're holding God accountable to, to reveal or to answer or to whatever.

1193
01:22:47.440 --> 01:22:50.800
And so if we write those things out, we'll discover those things. And then we can let

1194
01:22:50.800 --> 01:22:58.080
those things go where we no longer emotionally hold God accountable to, to give us something,

1195
01:22:58.080 --> 01:23:06.160
to answer a question, to whatever. And, um, because God doesn't want any us to hold anything

1196
01:23:07.520 --> 01:23:13.520
to him against him. We can like present things to him, but that's very different

1197
01:23:13.520 --> 01:23:19.760
than holding it to him against him. Like, Lord, you know, this is actually a wedge in our

1198
01:23:19.760 --> 01:23:27.680
relationship. This thing is actually filtering my view of you, whether or not I think you're as

1199
01:23:27.680 --> 01:23:30.960
good as you say that you're, I believe that you're good. I believe that you're loved,

1200
01:23:30.960 --> 01:23:40.080
but this is filtering how much I'm able to agree with it, you know? So anyway, that's, that's my

1201
01:23:40.080 --> 01:23:46.480
deal. All right. And isn't it really like, I think, yeah, I don't know what you think about

1202
01:23:46.480 --> 01:23:51.760
that, Ashley. That's just really interesting to hear you talk that the things that I feel

1203
01:23:52.720 --> 01:23:58.960
when I've been going through this, this is like my second rest intensive that I feel like a lot

1204
01:23:58.960 --> 01:24:05.040
of the things that are happening now is because of these things that you guys are talking about,

1205
01:24:05.760 --> 01:24:11.280
you know, all these singing opportunities and me starting to co-create with God. I feel it's

1206
01:24:11.280 --> 01:24:20.480
direct cause of starting. I started to listen to your teaching in July. So, um, I like, I still

1207
01:24:20.560 --> 01:24:26.080
have like lots of ways to go and need to be, but I feel like things are just happening and I'm just

1208
01:24:26.080 --> 01:24:32.800
starting to create with God and just the thought that I can communicate something to someone and

1209
01:24:33.440 --> 01:24:43.360
just put it out there or singing opportunities come and I feel like it's just dropping down.

1210
01:24:43.360 --> 01:24:47.600
And I'm starting to, I don't think it's a coincidence.

1211
01:24:48.000 --> 01:24:52.960
No, I don't think so either. And I knew that when you're like, oh, Annette, I think you should be

1212
01:24:52.960 --> 01:24:57.840
in this intensive. And I was like, it's like when you told me like, Hey, I feel like, uh, you know,

1213
01:24:57.840 --> 01:24:59.760
when Christina was talking to you about the.

1214
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:02.520
any stuff or whatever, and you're challenging me,

1215
01:25:02.520 --> 01:25:06.120
I'm like, oh, you shouldn't, like,

1216
01:25:06.120 --> 01:25:10.240
I can't remember what it was, but anyways.

1217
01:25:11.760 --> 01:25:13.680
She looks confused, she's like, what?

1218
01:25:14.680 --> 01:25:16.680
Christina and her sister?

1219
01:25:16.680 --> 01:25:20.400
Yeah, Christina, her sister had challenged Renata

1220
01:25:20.400 --> 01:25:22.440
on something, and then when she did that,

1221
01:25:22.440 --> 01:25:23.720
Renata thought of me.

1222
01:25:23.720 --> 01:25:26.440
Oh, yeah, just to spend money,

1223
01:25:26.440 --> 01:25:28.960
and just like be free with money.

1224
01:25:29.000 --> 01:25:30.120
Yeah. And I was like,

1225
01:25:30.120 --> 01:25:31.280
thinking about you, like,

1226
01:25:31.280 --> 01:25:33.240
why are you holding so tight to money?

1227
01:25:33.240 --> 01:25:36.520
Like, just be free with it, just use it, just.

1228
01:25:36.520 --> 01:25:41.520
And then, yeah, and I think you were mainly talking about

1229
01:25:41.880 --> 01:25:44.960
in the sense of maybe not having a traditional job.

1230
01:25:44.960 --> 01:25:46.720
You're like, you can do whatever you want.

1231
01:25:46.720 --> 01:25:48.440
Like, you can just, because you're like,

1232
01:25:48.440 --> 01:25:50.800
you could just move to the States if that's what you want.

1233
01:25:50.800 --> 01:25:54.040
Like, you have the money for it, just go.

1234
01:25:54.040 --> 01:25:56.080
And then there's something in me where I'm like,

1235
01:25:56.080 --> 01:25:58.120
no, but I don't want to open that door by myself.

1236
01:25:58.120 --> 01:25:58.960
You know what I mean?

1237
01:25:58.960 --> 01:26:01.360
Like, so there are some wisdom in that as well,

1238
01:26:01.360 --> 01:26:05.880
but I knew also, but I knew it was God when you spoke.

1239
01:26:05.880 --> 01:26:07.880
I was like, okay, well, he's telling me something,

1240
01:26:07.880 --> 01:26:09.640
and I know I'm probably going to be challenged

1241
01:26:09.640 --> 01:26:10.640
on that at some point.

1242
01:26:10.640 --> 01:26:13.960
But then when you came with the rest intensive,

1243
01:26:13.960 --> 01:26:18.960
I was like, oh, I knew this is going to be very key

1244
01:26:20.280 --> 01:26:22.080
to me like moving forward,

1245
01:26:22.080 --> 01:26:25.000
but I think I get frustrated because I'm like,

1246
01:26:25.000 --> 01:26:26.880
I don't really know what I'm supposed to do

1247
01:26:26.880 --> 01:26:29.200
to be able to like find all these accusations

1248
01:26:29.200 --> 01:26:30.040
and let it go.

1249
01:26:30.040 --> 01:26:32.680
Because you know me, I know it's about the process,

1250
01:26:32.680 --> 01:26:34.000
but I hate the process.

1251
01:26:34.000 --> 01:26:36.680
I just want the destination straight away.

1252
01:26:36.680 --> 01:26:37.520
Let's just get there.

1253
01:26:37.520 --> 01:26:39.040
Let's just do what we need to do.

1254
01:26:39.040 --> 01:26:40.200
Don't be the formula.

1255
01:26:41.080 --> 01:26:42.360
I'll plug and play.

1256
01:26:43.800 --> 01:26:45.080
That's me.

1257
01:26:45.080 --> 01:26:47.960
So yeah, so, but it's all good.

1258
01:26:47.960 --> 01:26:48.800
It's great.

1259
01:26:48.800 --> 01:26:51.040
Great advice and great conversations.

1260
01:26:51.040 --> 01:26:55.080
And yeah, I will get it at some point.

1261
01:26:55.960 --> 01:26:57.640
Oh yeah, absolutely.

1262
01:26:57.640 --> 01:26:58.880
Absolutely, yeah.

1263
01:27:02.520 --> 01:27:04.920
Yeah, like I said, the thing is that

1264
01:27:06.320 --> 01:27:09.480
you can't figure it out so much.

1265
01:27:09.480 --> 01:27:13.640
You have to start actually just stepping out

1266
01:27:13.640 --> 01:27:16.000
and embodying it, start living it.

1267
01:27:16.000 --> 01:27:20.840
And that's with other people who have tried

1268
01:27:20.840 --> 01:27:22.520
and tried and tried to figure it out.

1269
01:27:22.520 --> 01:27:24.440
The longer you try to figure it out,

1270
01:27:24.840 --> 01:27:25.680
the longer that it'll,

1271
01:27:25.680 --> 01:27:28.400
you just kind of like prolong the agony.

1272
01:27:28.400 --> 01:27:30.160
Because it's like, you can't figure out.

1273
01:27:30.160 --> 01:27:32.800
It finally worked when they stopped trying to figure it out.

1274
01:27:32.800 --> 01:27:35.320
They just started, they started just living it.

1275
01:27:35.320 --> 01:27:36.160
They started embodying it.

1276
01:27:36.160 --> 01:27:38.840
They started like risking themselves on just like,

1277
01:27:38.840 --> 01:27:41.400
okay, well then let's just start living like it.

1278
01:27:41.400 --> 01:27:43.640
And they said, that's when everything changed

1279
01:27:43.640 --> 01:27:48.640
because otherwise they couldn't understand it enough

1280
01:27:51.840 --> 01:27:54.120
for it to actually,

1281
01:27:54.160 --> 01:27:55.680
I don't know, for,

1282
01:27:57.760 --> 01:27:59.720
I keep thinking of the Turkish expression,

1283
01:27:59.720 --> 01:28:02.720
jeton düştü, meaning like to let the coin

1284
01:28:02.720 --> 01:28:06.920
to actually drop, and like get it.

1285
01:28:06.920 --> 01:28:08.520
So anyway, they just finally had to stop

1286
01:28:08.520 --> 01:28:10.240
trying to figure it out and just started doing it.

1287
01:28:10.240 --> 01:28:12.200
And they said, boom, they got it all of a sudden.

1288
01:28:12.200 --> 01:28:14.160
Because the things by the spirit

1289
01:28:14.160 --> 01:28:16.200
are only understood by the spirit.

1290
01:28:16.200 --> 01:28:19.080
Yeah, but what is it when they let it go

1291
01:28:19.080 --> 01:28:20.280
and figured it out?

1292
01:28:20.280 --> 01:28:21.280
What is it?

1293
01:28:21.320 --> 01:28:24.320
Well, just like of what it actually means

1294
01:28:24.320 --> 01:28:27.960
to abandon yourself to God, to shift into wrath,

1295
01:28:27.960 --> 01:28:32.160
to not be an accusation against him.

1296
01:28:32.160 --> 01:28:33.480
Like, well, what do I do about this?

1297
01:28:33.480 --> 01:28:34.920
And well, what do I do about this?

1298
01:28:34.920 --> 01:28:36.520
And well, what about this?

1299
01:28:36.520 --> 01:28:37.360
And well, what do I,

1300
01:28:37.360 --> 01:28:39.040
just all of the figuring out

1301
01:28:39.040 --> 01:28:42.480
when they stopped trying to figure it out

1302
01:28:42.480 --> 01:28:45.000
and they started to just let it come in

1303
01:28:45.000 --> 01:28:47.760
and then just started like stepping out and living it,

1304
01:28:47.760 --> 01:28:49.080
which is very scary,

1305
01:28:49.080 --> 01:28:50.880
especially when you don't know what you're doing.

1306
01:28:51.480 --> 01:28:53.560
You're like, well, what is this thing?

1307
01:28:53.560 --> 01:28:55.320
It's an unknown.

1308
01:28:55.320 --> 01:28:57.120
And you're like, well, how do I do this thing

1309
01:28:57.120 --> 01:28:58.640
that I don't understand?

1310
01:28:58.640 --> 01:29:02.480
They actually had to start putting themselves

1311
01:29:02.480 --> 01:29:05.320
into this existence or this environment

1312
01:29:05.320 --> 01:29:06.800
of something they didn't understand

1313
01:29:06.800 --> 01:29:08.720
when that environment is just God.

1314
01:29:08.720 --> 01:29:09.920
It's just faith.

1315
01:29:09.920 --> 01:29:11.560
And then just start living like it.

1316
01:29:11.560 --> 01:29:13.200
And all of a sudden it made sense.

1317
01:29:13.200 --> 01:29:15.040
It made sense in their spirit,

1318
01:29:15.040 --> 01:29:17.560
but they couldn't figure it out enough

1319
01:29:17.600 --> 01:29:21.280
to create like a process

1320
01:29:21.280 --> 01:29:23.720
for them to be able to step through.

1321
01:29:23.720 --> 01:29:27.240
I try to explain it as best as I can in process form

1322
01:29:27.240 --> 01:29:28.680
to kind of help people.

1323
01:29:28.680 --> 01:29:30.560
But when it comes right down to it,

1324
01:29:30.560 --> 01:29:33.960
you have a person actually has to stop

1325
01:29:35.200 --> 01:29:36.840
thinking of it as a process

1326
01:29:36.840 --> 01:29:39.040
and cannot approach it as a process

1327
01:29:39.040 --> 01:29:40.560
if that's actually gonna work.

1328
01:29:41.600 --> 01:29:43.440
If the process will help kind of get them

1329
01:29:43.440 --> 01:29:44.800
a little further down the road.

1330
01:29:44.800 --> 01:29:45.840
And at one point,

1331
01:29:45.840 --> 01:29:48.520
and at some point they finally have to abandon it

1332
01:29:48.520 --> 01:29:51.800
as a process and have to just start embodying it

1333
01:29:51.800 --> 01:29:54.600
and kind of like, I don't know, just living like it.

1334
01:29:54.600 --> 01:29:56.520
And then it finally works.

1335
01:29:56.520 --> 01:29:59.520
But the process that I kind of like walk people through

1336
01:29:59.520 --> 01:30:00.360
and the tools.

1337
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:04.320
and all of that, that'll only carry people so far. It really won't carry them the whole way.

1338
01:30:06.080 --> 01:30:10.640
It carries them until they finally, until they finally get faith enough to let it go,

1339
01:30:10.640 --> 01:30:16.000
to let go of the process, to get, let go of the steps, to let go of the figuring it out and

1340
01:30:16.000 --> 01:30:21.600
understanding it. And they just have to, it sounds really weird, but it's, think of that in the

1341
01:30:21.600 --> 01:30:26.800
spirit. You just have to finally start feeling into it. Like, okay, I'm like living in this

1342
01:30:26.800 --> 01:30:34.000
existence and I'm just going by, by spiritual feeling, not even emotional feeling, not mental,

1343
01:30:34.800 --> 01:30:39.280
you know, anything. I'm just, you know, it's like, really, what is it I'm doing? I don't know.

1344
01:30:40.240 --> 01:30:45.200
But all of a sudden you'll find out in the risk of your, of throwing yourself on God,

1345
01:30:45.200 --> 01:30:50.400
all of a sudden everything works because it's the kingdom of the, of God. And therefore it's

1346
01:30:50.400 --> 01:30:55.680
his, the king, the principles of the kingdom of God that you become dependent on, you know,

1347
01:30:55.760 --> 01:31:05.200
to catch you. Oh, so good. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Okay. Well, I will let y'all go.

1348
01:31:05.200 --> 01:31:13.920
Good to enjoy Texas. I'm so jealous. Yeah. I'd love to go to Texas again. I love Texas.

1349
01:31:13.920 --> 01:31:21.440
Never been. Oh, good. Well, I'm in, I'm in Dallas right now, so I'm enjoying that on the outskirts.

1350
01:31:22.240 --> 01:31:31.360
Oh, is it warm? Uh, I'm trying to think. No, it's not. No, today it is actually very chilly.

1351
01:31:32.000 --> 01:31:39.760
Um, I mean, like I'm in this, you know, but yeah. So I'm looking forward to it warming up and it'll,

1352
01:31:39.760 --> 01:31:47.120
it'll be warm after a while. It'll be very hot. So anyway. Oh, all right. Well, y'all have a good

1353
01:31:47.120 --> 01:31:59.040
night. You too. Bye. Thank you. Bye. Bye.