WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:09.640 Hey everybody! Here's my journey share. It's been another challenging week with a lot of 2 00:00:09.640 --> 00:00:16.379 ups and downs and it's actually really been hard for me to even share anything when I'm 3 00:00:16.379 --> 00:00:26.940 not in a place of giving hope or encouragement. I feel like the only time I'm able to share 4 00:00:26.940 --> 00:00:32.659 and be open with people is once I've gone through the hard and I'm on the other side 5 00:00:32.659 --> 00:00:38.860 and I see it for what it is and I have hope and encouragement to give others. And so I 6 00:00:38.860 --> 00:00:44.780 think that's one reason why I've just held back sharing. And the thing that keeps going 7 00:00:44.780 --> 00:00:49.300 through my mind is Ashley says that we get the most out of it when we do the work. And 8 00:00:49.300 --> 00:00:55.100 so here I am sharing, not knowing what I'm going to share about, but sharing because 9 00:00:55.100 --> 00:01:05.459 I know that I'm hopeful that fruit will come from it. So I'm getting ready for surgery 10 00:01:05.459 --> 00:01:14.340 on Monday and I don't know, I don't even know what I've shared and it doesn't really matter. 11 00:01:14.340 --> 00:01:21.540 The details don't matter. So my tumor has grown based on my last testing and so they're 12 00:01:21.540 --> 00:01:26.260 actually recommend, I think I mentioned they're recommending chemo and radiation before surgery, 13 00:01:26.260 --> 00:01:34.700 but I think I'm opting for surgery right now without the chemo and radiation. And so the 14 00:01:34.700 --> 00:01:42.780 challenges have been a lot about the knowledge. Like I don't want the knowledge. Like I just 15 00:01:42.780 --> 00:01:48.260 want to say screw the knowledge. I don't want to know about my tumor. I don't want to know 16 00:01:48.260 --> 00:01:53.100 risk factors. If I do this risk factors, if I don't do that, I feel like it's separating 17 00:01:53.100 --> 00:01:59.660 me. It causes me overwhelming anxiety. When my focus is when I want my focus to be the 18 00:01:59.660 --> 00:02:04.900 Lord and for him to guide me and lead me. And so I'm in this place of like, I literally 19 00:02:04.900 --> 00:02:09.259 told my husband today, I go, what if you go to the doctor's appointment and you get all 20 00:02:09.259 --> 00:02:14.420 the information from the radiologist and I don't go and you come home and I trust you 21 00:02:14.420 --> 00:02:19.740 to make the decision for me because I just don't want this other, I don't need more knowledge 22 00:02:19.740 --> 00:02:25.140 in my head. I just don't need it. And he's like, well, they might. Yeah. But all laughter 23 00:02:25.140 --> 00:02:31.980 aside, it was kind of comical and it's, I still really want to do that. Um, but so I'm 24 00:02:31.980 --> 00:02:35.620 like struggling with this knowledge and even the knowledge of having cancer in my body 25 00:02:35.620 --> 00:02:48.220 and having it grown. And, um, I feel like it puts more, um, it has put more power in 26 00:02:48.220 --> 00:02:52.980 the body than the spirit. And I don't want my power in the, I don't want power in the 27 00:02:52.980 --> 00:03:00.860 body. I don't know if that makes sense. Um, I just finished listening, listening to the 28 00:03:00.860 --> 00:03:10.540 three realms, the three realms, um, teaching and it was so good. And, um, I guess I just 29 00:03:10.540 --> 00:03:18.580 realized I'm just, I'm struggling. I just live, I live in the body, like my body. I 30 00:03:18.580 --> 00:03:26.300 listened to my body and I don't think I should listen to my body. Um, cause I've allowed 31 00:03:26.300 --> 00:03:34.580 it to tell me what's true. And, um, but I guess now I can look at my body and allow 32 00:03:34.580 --> 00:03:43.180 it to tell me what I'm believing instead of what's true. Um, so I've just been struggling 33 00:03:43.180 --> 00:03:47.220 with that. There's been, we have a lot of doctors appointments this week, a lot of canceled 34 00:03:47.220 --> 00:03:53.580 doctors appointments, a lot of change doctors appointments. So with every change, with every, 35 00:03:53.580 --> 00:03:59.100 it's like, I just go, I'll just, you know, just start crying just because it's like, 36 00:03:59.100 --> 00:04:04.500 I just want the information so I can just be set on what we're doing and move forward. 37 00:04:04.500 --> 00:04:17.980 Um, with a surgery, which will be an intense, Mizzy, Hey, an intense, sorry, my dog, um, 38 00:04:17.980 --> 00:04:29.460 which will be a pretty, um, what's the word? Not intense procedure, but, um, I don't have 39 00:04:29.460 --> 00:04:36.220 the words right now. Um, so another thing that's been challenging is just overwhelm 40 00:04:36.220 --> 00:04:40.940 in my head, like a million different things going on in my head and not knowing where 41 00:04:40.940 --> 00:04:46.740 to go or what to choose or what to believe. And I just feel stuck. And I've come here 42 00:04:46.740 --> 00:04:50.780 a lot. I get, I come to this place a lot when I'm in overwhelm, I have decisions to 43 00:04:50.780 --> 00:04:56.820 make. Um, and then I'm trying to figure out, okay, where do I go? Like, what do I, what 44 00:04:56.820 --> 00:04:59.180 am I not believing? Um, 45 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:06.720 Am I believing that the father is not going to provide for me, that he's not going to 46 00:05:06.720 --> 00:05:12.160 protect me, that he's not safe? 47 00:05:12.160 --> 00:05:16.600 And that must be what I'm believing. 48 00:05:16.600 --> 00:05:21.240 Because if I was believing I was provided for and that I'm safe and that I'm protected 49 00:05:21.240 --> 00:05:28.360 and that he loves me, I wouldn't have any fear and I wouldn't have these questions in 50 00:05:28.360 --> 00:05:41.840 my mind about what's going to happen to me or my kids or whatever as a result of my decisions. 51 00:05:41.840 --> 00:05:55.000 So one, I guess a positive thing of this journey right now is that today when I got a call 52 00:05:55.160 --> 00:06:00.320 from the alternative oncologist in Mexico who was going to chat with me, I got a call 53 00:06:00.320 --> 00:06:06.600 that he had to cancel and he had an emergency and he couldn't talk to me until Monday and 54 00:06:06.600 --> 00:06:11.440 I'm like, well my surgery's on Monday, that's not very helpful. 55 00:06:11.440 --> 00:06:18.880 And so I just started crying and before going to my husband, which I normally would always 56 00:06:18.880 --> 00:06:28.840 go to my husband first, I went to the Lord and that was a big deal for me. 57 00:06:28.840 --> 00:06:44.520 And just being able to be with the Lord and trust him and tell him that I know he's providing 58 00:06:44.520 --> 00:06:51.040 for me, he's going to provide a way and he's going to show me the way and that I don't 59 00:06:51.040 --> 00:07:08.120 have to worry, that I don't have to fear, that I am loved and this minor thing doesn't 60 00:07:08.120 --> 00:07:13.200 have power over me. 61 00:07:13.200 --> 00:07:19.160 And so even just declaring that out loud to you guys, it's just felt me, bring me peace 62 00:07:19.160 --> 00:07:23.760 that a lot of times this would make me, bring me into resistance. 63 00:07:23.760 --> 00:07:28.240 And then I'm resistant towards my family, even though I'm not mean, but it's like I'm 64 00:07:28.240 --> 00:07:29.240 resistant. 65 00:07:29.240 --> 00:07:36.160 I put a wall up, maybe I'm not as loving towards them, I'm not as open towards them, I'm closed 66 00:07:36.160 --> 00:07:38.480 off towards them. 67 00:07:38.480 --> 00:07:48.360 And because of this fear inside me, I'm trying to save myself and, but just knowing that 68 00:07:48.360 --> 00:08:03.040 I can take it to the Lord and reminding myself who he is and who he is, yeah, my mind is, 69 00:08:03.040 --> 00:08:04.320 my mind is not so great right now. 70 00:08:04.320 --> 00:08:12.640 So I'm going to leave it at that, but I guess that has been my, probably my biggest win 71 00:08:12.640 --> 00:08:15.440 and being able to come out of the place quicker. 72 00:08:15.440 --> 00:08:23.160 So instead of going, when I'm in overwhelm, I could let it spin for days and now it's 73 00:08:23.160 --> 00:08:29.540 like, I know that all I need to do is choose what I'm believing. 74 00:08:29.540 --> 00:08:36.620 And sometimes that means I'm choosing that God loves me and that choosing to do what 75 00:08:36.620 --> 00:08:40.900 I want to do is actually okay and it's not wrong and it's not sinful. 76 00:08:40.900 --> 00:08:46.100 So I'm just going to go and do what I want to do right now. 77 00:08:46.100 --> 00:08:52.980 And making that choice and putting my feet to it and acting on it instead of letting 78 00:08:52.980 --> 00:08:58.100 myself spin into negativity and worry. 79 00:08:58.100 --> 00:09:03.460 That's kind of been my journey and I finally got to catch up on some of your guys' journey 80 00:09:03.460 --> 00:09:07.780 sharing and all right, well, I'll see you guys tonight. 81 00:09:07.780 --> 00:09:08.300 Bye-bye.