WEBVTT

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Hey everybody, just coming on to do a quick journey share and it's actually been a really

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great week, feels weird saying that.

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I feel like God is just, once I released everything to the Lord, I feel like he's kind of just

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lined everything up in ways that, in ways that I couldn't have done myself, obviously.

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So I had a bunch of doctor appointments this last week, but the biggest one that I was

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most nervous about was seeing the radiologist and I went in totally surrendered and just

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open to hearing and learning and just seeing where the Lord led us.

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I just went in with that heart and that spirit and it was supposed to be a two hour appointment

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and our appointment was at 1.30 and we were out of his office by 1.27.

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He got us in a little bit early because we were there a little bit early and his talk,

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I mean basically he said, I think surgery first is the best option for you, if there's

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any cancer in your lymph nodes, after we biopsy everything, then radiation will be something

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to come speak to me about later, but right now I think that's your best choice.

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That's something, he said that's something that I would do, I would do surgery first.

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So and he was just very encouraging and it was probably one of the most encouraging doctor

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visits I've actually had since being diagnosed with cancer.

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Everyone usually comes to me, you know, something I just notice is that they, the nurses and

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the doctors are all like, hey how are you doing?

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And it's kind of like, I'm having a bad day I understand, yeah, but like I'm alive and

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I'm doing life and we're, you know, I'm doing my best to just do this thing and it's not

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like a depressing thing, I mean it can be, so, but it was just, it was not that kind

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of appointment and so, and then after that I just felt, gosh some good Samaritan, I don't

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know who, a place, a food place in town called my husband on Friday and said, hey a good

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Samaritan gave us your credit card and they want to buy you guys dinner tonight and that

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happened and we didn't have dinner planned that night and another friend reached out

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to bring dinner to us on Monday or Tuesday when I'm in the hospital for surgery just

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so the family has something to eat and I'm normally the person that I will ask a friend

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to do a meal train for us or my sister or, and I just haven't done that, I haven't been

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worried about it, I haven't, and people have come out of the woodworks saying, hey can

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I do a meal train for you guys, everything has just kind of fallen into place and the

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biggest thing that has happened for me is probably on the emotional aspect of things

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and just as I've been working through the emotional aspect of this cancer, I believe

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that a big, since the beginning of this journey, I believe the biggest part of this cancer

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is an emotional aspect, I couldn't really put a finger on it, didn't really know what

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it was but I felt like it had to do with something, control or perfectionism and I feel like this

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last six months have really kind of, God has slowly and gently led me to the root and it's

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kind of been a slow process but when I was talking to my naturopath this last week, I

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was telling her about the surgery and how I don't see cancer as a battle to be fought,

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I just, I don't see cancer that way, I see cancer as an alarm clock to wake someone up

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to something that maybe needs to change, whether it's emotional, relationally, people need

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forgiven.

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possibly diet-related, I don't know,

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something that needs to change.

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And so I felt like cancer is like, to me,

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thinking about just going and murdering the cancer

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and frying the cancer and it's never sat well with me

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and even going and surgically removing it

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has not sat well with me.

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It just has not felt right.

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And as I've done therapy and everything,

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I've come to the conclusion that I've felt like

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this cancer is me as a little girl.

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And she's been protecting me and things like that.

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I'm not gonna go into the whole story,

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but with my naturopath, I was telling her

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I was having a hard time thinking about cutting out

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the little girl that just wants to be loved

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and that just needs to know that she matters

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and she's loved and she's cared for

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and she doesn't have to do everything on her own.

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And I didn't wanna, it made me cringe

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to think about cutting her out

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and making her feel abandoned by me.

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And something my naturopath brought up was,

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well, love isn't all about cuddles.

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It's also about boundaries.

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And it was kind of a light bulb moment for me

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because I'm like, you're right.

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And I'm awful, awful at holding boundaries for people.

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But still, I was like still struggling with it.

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Like it wasn't an aha moment for me.

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It was an aha moment, but it didn't help me

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come to surrender with the surgery.

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Like I still had like something in the way, a blockage.

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And so I was talking with my therapist the other day

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after this, I just started working through

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and I felt like the Lord was just revealing to me

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that the little girl, it wasn't the little girl

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that was the cancer.

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It was the lies that the little girl was believing.

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And the little girl inside of me is still gonna be with me

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for the rest of my life.

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But the thing that's getting cut out is the lies

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that the little girl has believed her entire life.

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And the lies have no place in my body anymore,

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which brought me back to the scripture.

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I don't remember what scripture it is

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and I'm not gonna be able to quote it correctly,

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but if your right hand makes you sin, cut it off.

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And from what I've been taught,

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I don't think that's ever been a literal scripture

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that we're supposed to take literally.

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But I'm literally taking that, I'm taking that literally.

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And this lie in me has caused unbelief, which is sin.

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And it needs cut out.

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And I'm such a physical person,

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like I've always been very physical in that,

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like I like working out hard.

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I need to work, like I feel my best

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if I'm moving and very physically active.

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I don't do my best when I'm sitting

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and for long periods of time,

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like I need to be up and moving.

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And I'm like, I feel like this is like God's grace,

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that he knows that I'm that type of person

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and that he's just covering and protecting

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and supporting me to go through this surgery

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that he thinks I need to go through it this way to be free.

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He's allowing me, he's allowing me to go through it

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in this way to be free.

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I don't know if that makes sense,

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because I know that I, based on what I've learned,

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especially in the rest intensive,

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that I don't need to surgically remove something

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in order to be free.

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Like, but in this moment, I feel like it's God's grace

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and it's something that I need.

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Um, so that was kind of a big revelation for me

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just to know, like, I feel so oddly good about this surgery

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and the people, the surgeons and everything

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and everything had just kind of come into place

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and I'm just grateful we've come to this place

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and I've just been, I feel like there's the Lord

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is just covering me with his love.

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And, um, and I just feel so wrapped in his love.

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So, um, I think that's about all.

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I have surgery tomorrow at 7.30 in the morning.

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I don't know, I'll be in the hospital for about four days,

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but I'm hoping to be on the call on Tuesday.

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That might be a really, that I might not be.

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all because I might be in pain or whatever but I'm and I'm also hoping to

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be on there tonight so I hope to be on there tonight with you guys I'm also

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doing a prep for the surgery so it kind of depends on that but I'm just so

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grateful for this journey and sharing this journey with you guys you guys have

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just brought so many revelations to me with your own journeys and things that

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maybe I'm not directly what's the word going through but it's made me really

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think about things differently and and I'm just grateful for this community

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that it this community in you guys all right all right well I hope to see you

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guys tonight bye bye