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Hey everybody, it's been a long time since I did a journey share and man, I think I've

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been procrastinating.

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One, I was going to do one in the hospital, but I had a roommate so I just chose not to.

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And on another note, I just feel like I've kind of like just been up and down and I like

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I said before, I only like coming on here and doing a journey share when things are

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like up and going good and you know, and today I feel like I'm almost like in this depression

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of some sort.

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I'm trying to figure out what that's all about and and choose out of that, but I think there's

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a, so the surgery went great and when I came out of surgery, I felt like a huge weight

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had been lifted off of me.

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I literally felt the same way I felt after the birth of each of my children.

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I have this like peace and love and joy and gratitude, immense gratitude that I've only

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experienced after I had my kids.

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And so it felt really weird to feel that after surgery, a pretty major surgery.

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But as I look back on that now, I just feel like that's just God's goodness.

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And I kind of look at that kind of as like a, almost like a rebirth, God giving me a

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second chance.

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I don't know how else I'd explain that.

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Just giving me a second chance and the love and the grace to just accept him and receive

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him and and receive all that he's made me to be.

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And so ever since my surgery, I feel like it's kind of gone up and down in regards to,

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I feel like I was, everything was really good in the hospital, then coming home has just

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been more challenging, just because there's so much newness to get used to with taking

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care of myself and dealing with pain and eating, completely changing my diet for a

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period of time, eating not like I was eating before because I have a ileostomy bag.

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And so I'm just adapting to that and those circumstances.

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And I think I probably just need to sit and, and take some more time with the Lord.

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I know I bring, he brings me clarity and peace when I do that, and I have not done that today.

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I'm also just giving myself grace because I can and because that's what God gives me.

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So right now, I guess I'm just kind of in this place of, well, I'm waiting for, what's it called?

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Oh, my brain is not all the way there.

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My what's it called?

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My biopsy report, I guess, to come back to see if they found any cancer in any of the lymph nodes.

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And I feel that's like, that's kind of, kind of weighing on me since I haven't got those

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results back yet.

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And I'm trying to like, figure out where to put how to put it in its proper place.

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And while also, I'm a visionary, and I always have been.

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And so I've been spending so much of my time these past six months, taking care of myself

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in regards to this cancer and living with this so called diagnosis.

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And now I'm kind of like waiting for this biopsy to determine what's next.

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And so as I speak that, I'm like, okay, well, as I speak that and I know what we've been

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learning, I know I don't have to live waiting for my circumstances to determine how I'm

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going to choose to live moving forward.

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So there's definitely some reflection I need to be doing in regards to that.

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and then there's also the question of even if the biopsy comes back totally

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clear everything is good many doctors would say you know that's a cure and I

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also know many people who've had reoccurring cancer diagnoses and so

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that's just the reality of cancer when I say the reality of cancer is the reality

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of people I've known who've experienced cancer in their bodies that doesn't have

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to be my reality and I can choose otherwise but I'm also still in this

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place of learning and I'm not fully I don't know if I have the faith for that

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yet so just in this place of figuring out what's next I have so many I wasn't

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expecting to cry I have so many just passions and dreams and things and but

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so much has been put on hold and I guess I just don't really I'm just in

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this place of this holding spot I feel and as I sit here saying that I feel

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like I'm getting from the Lord that he has me in this place just to learn to be

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loved and and to me that just brings so much peace that I can just learn to be

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loved by him by my family I don't need to sprint off to the next thing to the

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next destination and maybe he has me in this spot for a reason so that I know at

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a core who I am and how loved I am so I think that's about it for my journey

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share so I'm just so grateful for all you guys and I cannot believe the rest

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intensive is almost over I'm just grateful for each and every one of you

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journeys and your journey shares I can relate and to every single one of your

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journeys and they bring up so many things in regards to my own journey that

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I'm just appreciative for your guys's openness and vulnerability in your own

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so all right well I love you ladies and I hope to see you guys on our rest our

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our Q&A tonight all right bye bye