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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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How are you?

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I have to get my phone case off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.

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Well, excuse me, we'll see.

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A lot of times the medical, you know,

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is a lot more fearful than obviously the other groups.

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And just because they're medical

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doesn't necessarily mean that they're right.

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Right.

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Just because they're looking through a filter of fear

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is my point.

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Not that they don't know what they're talking about.

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Right.

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They see it through a filter of fear.

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We shall see.

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Oh my goodness, yeah.

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But I was watching that today.

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And it's because my mom's boss,

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and this was just announced today,

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my mom's boss was the guy that our governor

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chose to chair the task force.

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Wow.

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So that's why I was watching it.

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Otherwise I would have just heard about it later.

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I was like, oh, I'll just find out what the governor said.

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But because he had asked him to be the chair,

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I was like, oh, I know him.

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Oh, I should have seen him.

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That's so cool.

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That's really neat.

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Yeah, Josh likes staying up to date.

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He's not like super.

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He was never super into politics,

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but he's like likes to stay up to date

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with all the press conferences and all that stuff.

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And our governor is like absolutely crazy.

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So it's been interesting hearing him saying it.

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Yeah, I mean, there's so many people upset.

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There's actually, the people here,

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they were upset enough.

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They contacted our senator or something,

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and they ended up taking a bill to the Senate

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to overturn all of his regulations

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because it's just so ridiculous.

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But last I heard, the governor

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isn't even doing it to sign it.

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So we shall see here too,

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because he just now recently made that

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if you, like in order to go out

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and get served in the public,

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like for a customer, you have to wear a face mask.

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Like you aren't allowed into grocery stores or anything

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unless you wear a face mask.

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And people are just like, they're so outraged.

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They were like, we could handle the couple of weeks

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of like having to stay home

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and we could handle the first couple of regulations,

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but this is just ridiculous.

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So I don't know, the people are really upset

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about everything.

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So it's been interesting.

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But it's like, what can you do?

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I just got back from two grocery stores

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and I was one of those that was walking around

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with no mask, no gloves,

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but other people were as well.

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And, but then there were those

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who were just very much more cautious

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and so I'm trying to be careful for everybody else's sake,

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like what bothers them.

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Right.

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But I was thinking about that today

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because I thought, am I going to be allowed

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to go in the grocery store?

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And I thought, yeah, because I hadn't heard that I wasn't.

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And so, and then I saw other people going in

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because I'm sitting there in my car going,

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well, I don't have anything.

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What am I going to do?

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And then all of a sudden I saw other people

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going in with that one.

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I was like, okay.

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So apparently I can get in the grocery store.

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So anyway, it was all fine.

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Yeah.

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It's just insane.

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They all did not know.

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I know.

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It was like everything.

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Yeah, I mean, according to his regulations,

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like the people, the grocery store owners,

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like they're supposed to not even let you in.

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Like it's, like they all get fined

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if they let you in without a mask on.

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So that's why I'm like, this is insane.

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So I was like, we're going to go to groceries this week

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and now we're not going to go again.

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Because I think it doesn't start until tomorrow,

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but I'm like, I'm so not into that.

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But anyway, I'm just ready for it to all be over.

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Yeah, I know.

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It's so crazy.

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I know, me too.

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I'm tired of it.

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Oh, well.

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Yeah.

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So how are you doing?

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Good.

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Today was an interesting day.

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It's like, I feel really, really good.

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I feel different and I'm still like,

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I still have a lot of peace and stuff,

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but then there's like all these different things

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that I haven't experienced for a long time

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that I'm like, whoa, like where did that come from?

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Like specifically emotionally.

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And I was thinking like the past couple of days,

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like not much has been going on at all in our life.

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Like everything's been very normal, very chill.

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And, but there was like a lot of fear in me,

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a lot of opposition, like just being bombarded

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with fear of like, what if this isn't real?

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What if this isn't going to last?

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Like it has been so, so long of trying to get to this point

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that now I'm like, now that I'm actually here

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and experiencing this freedom, I'm like,

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when is it going to end?

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You know?

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And I was, we had, I had told you about the,

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the counseling that we were going to do coming up in May.

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And we honestly, I talked to Josh the other night

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and I said, you know what?

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I just really do not have peace

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about moving ahead with it anymore.

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Because I said that I don't really see why

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I would, I would do it anymore.

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And I said, it doesn't make sense.

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Like why we would not go ahead with it.

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But I said, I just literally,

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I 100% do not have peace about doing it.

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And there was.

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Of course, you know, finances and stuff.

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It was going to cost quite a bit to go do it.

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And he was like, you know, I really don't have peace about

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going ahead with it either anymore.

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And so I was like, okay, we made that decision.

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And I was like, that was my lifeline.

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You know, that was going to be what was going to save me.

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That was going to be the person, you know, that told me the

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theory that's going to work, you know?

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Then I was like, you know, I, I put, you know, we canceled that.

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And I was like, okay, this, this has had, this has to

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work or else I'm toast, you know?

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And I was like, then I was like, Oh my goodness.

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Like, what is this working?

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What if I'm just being deceived?

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And then today I was, um, I was talking to my sister.

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We were talking about business.

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Anyway, this all led into like the last couple of days.

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And then I was talking about business with my sister today

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and I got off the phone and all of a sudden I had so many emotions

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and so many feelings that I've not felt like that I've not

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expressed for so long.

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I literally just started bawling.

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I was in the middle of making breakfast and we were talking about

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business and she has all these big plans.

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She's very successful in business and she's telling me all about them.

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She's all excited.

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And I got off the phone.

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I was like, Oh my word.

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Like I am such a failure.

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I don't know what I'm doing in my business.

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I have no motivation, like all these things.

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And I just literally started sobbing.

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I was like, this has, this has not happened to me in years to where

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I felt my feelings and express them.

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Like it never, I don't remember the last time that something.

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Affected me.

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And I thought about it and I let it out.

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I mean, I would, I would pack it in me all day long.

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And I was like, all of a sudden I was making my eggs and I was bawling

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and talking to her.

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I was like, what is wrong?

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I was like, what is happening to me?

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It's like so many things.

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So many feelings are coming out of me that I didn't even know.

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I don't even know how to handle them.

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I feel like I feel like I'm losing my mind because all of a sudden, like

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everything's just spilling out of me.

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And I'm like, what is happening?

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So that's how my, my week has been going, but it's been, it's been good.

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It's been really good.

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And I still feel, I still feel, you know, the peace to enter

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into rest and to stay into rest.

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I just feel like there's so much happening underneath the surface

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that I feel like I'm falling.

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Does that even, does that make sense?

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I feel like I'm just falling and I'm just waiting to hit somewhere.

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And I don't know where I'm going to land, but I feel like, I feel like

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there's a part of me that the part that needs to be asleep is asleep.

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And then there's something else completely a mess.

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And I don't even know what's going on, but that's the

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best way I can describe it.

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And I'm like, what am I going to do?

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What am I supposed to do?

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Am I just supposed to like stay asleep?

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Or what in the world is going on?

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No, it doesn't work in a way to describe it.

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Go ahead.

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I said, that's kind of, that's basically where I'm at.

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I'm still kind of falling and still trying to, I don't know.

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It's like, what, what really can I do?

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I have no idea.

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Yeah.

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So yeah, that's very, yeah.

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I love how you express it.

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I love how, when I talk to, talk to everybody, all my clients, they all

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describe the feeling a little differently and I love listening to their ways,

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that they, I don't know, just kind of the word pictures that they have for

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it, that their descriptions for it.

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And I can relate to them.

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I can relate to all of them.

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I can relate to feeling at rest and feeling more at rest than I ever have.

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And yet feeling like I'm, I'm still falling and that's things coming.

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That's that old, old paradigms and old perspectives from different

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areas of our lives that are packed down in there that we haven't let

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go of and they're releasing because as we're entering into rest, we're

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releasing and so they're coming up and out.

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And so it's that whole training wheels being taken off and riding the

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bike and like, I look and feel worse than I did before I started this

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whole thing, this whole thing was supposed to lead me into more freedom.

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It's all of that other stuff that the structure that we existed in allowed us

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to ignore and to not have to see or face all of that other stuff could exist and

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we could function and the results that we got out of operating within that

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structure could allow us to, to, I hope that I'm saying this, following the

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sentence correctly, but it allows us to function without having to face all of

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those things.

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And so we just, and if we allow all those things to come to the surface, well,

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And we're faced with the fact that our structure can't support those questions.

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It can't support us asking those questions.

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But if we stifle those questions, if we stifle those doubts, if we stifle those

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frustrations, if we stifle those fears, our structure will keep us afloat.

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But now, whenever we decide to move into a new, the Lord reveals something new and

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gives us the opportunity to step into it, then our structure that we had depended on

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goes away. And whether or not it's the coronavirus and everything else that

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everybody that that has happened, where, you know, people aren't working anymore,

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and people are this and all these things that you can't go out and see people and

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whatever. And whether we're talking about that structure, that infrastructure, that

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social, economic, political infrastructure, or we're talking about some emotional

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infrastructure of what we as a society or as Christian church tell each other is okay

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to be and to feel and not be okay and not to feel.

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Regardless of which structure we're talking about, whenever any of those go away, the

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things that we relied on, those systems, the structure of in which we thought that the

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Christian religion operated, whenever those things get removed, if we feel like we're

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falling, because that was the very thing that we were using to keep ourselves from feeling

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like we were falling.

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So that's where that feeling comes from.

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It's like, oh, my word, what it is that I was relying on is gone.

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And, you know, I don't think that I've told somebody this.

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So you'll be the first person.

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I was, I was asking the Lord to show me his throne one time.

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I don't remember when this was.

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Oh, you know what? This was probably back in like August, July or August of last year, a

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lot of time ago. And I asked him to show me his throne because I thought, oh, that must

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be wonderful to get to see.

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I didn't get to see the throne in the way that God says that he actually looks like

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now, you know, the great white throne with all of his glory and all of his majesty and all

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the angels. I didn't get to see that.

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But what I what I thought was fascinating was I was walking on ground in this in this

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I don't know, in this in my mind's eye and I was the picture that he showed me was I was

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walking on ground and then right in front of his throne where he was sitting on the throne.

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There was like this, this cut out like you would have like a cut out in concrete, like

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is it like a huge industrial swimming pool?

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It wasn't fancy. It was just like this huge, huge rectangle that was cut out of concrete.

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So I was walking towards the throne on the concrete and then all of this.

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And then I knew that he wanted me to, you know, in approaching the throne, I could step

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out into this hole because this hole that had been cut, cut out in concrete where there's

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nothing there. It's just this big, huge hole.

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I could walk out into it.

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And so I thought, well, I wonder what that's going to be like.

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Is it going to kind of be like Jesus walking on the water where I just keep going, even

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though it's on air? Am I just going to feel like there's that there's solid ground

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underneath it? And as I approach the Lord, which is my whole point, because regardless

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of whether we're talking about like it's the throne of God, in other words, when we're

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approaching the Lord, when we're moving more into rest, when we're moving more, when

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we're growing in spiritual maturity, when we're growing in revelation.

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That's what my point in telling you this is, I believe that even though it was the

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throne that I was seeing, that all of that, everything that we're talking about, that

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this situation applies to as well.

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So I walk out on it and I expected to feel like I was walking on something solid, even

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though I was walking on air.

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I felt that there was going to be some support that I was going to feel.

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And it wasn't. I walk out into it.

321
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No, I didn't sink.

322
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I just it was just buoyant.

323
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I would just I was just floating in this in the air.

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I didn't I was completely supported in the fact that I didn't move up or up or down or

325
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sideways or anything.

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It was kind of like being in gravity, I mean, in gravity, being outside of gravity in the

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universe, you know, in space and how you see those astronauts and there's just like

328
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they're just floating.

329
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They're fully supported, but there's nothing firm underneath them except for the fact

330
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unlike unlike in space.

331
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I wasn't like turning around, you know, where they've got like no, no direction.

332
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I was I was as if I was standing on something.

333
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In other words, I always stayed up right.

334
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And I didn't like wobble, but there was no support underneath me.

335
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I was just fully supported by being in the substance.

336
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So in other words, my.

337
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point is, I thought that was really fascinating. And the

338
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longer that time goes, the more that I understand what the Lord

339
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was showing me in that. And actually, just now I'm starting

340
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to see a bit of an additional layer to it. The fact that we're

341
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so used to thinking that the only way that we can be

342
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supported and stay upright is if we feel something solid and

343
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sure underneath us, like, oh, well, this is ground and I can

344
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pick up my foot and put myself put my foot down and I feel

345
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resistance. It was I was feeling a lack of resistance. And yet I

346
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was fully supported. Does that make sense that resistance is

347
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in like, you know, there's nothing rushing against me when

348
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I push down. And so I believe that so anyway, we've in our

349
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worldly minds, we've taken so much of the way that we view the

350
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world and things like type things that God only intended to

351
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be types and shadows. We translate it if we think if we

352
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restrict the spiritual too much, we can think that well, I'm

353
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supposed to always feel like this. I'm supposed to feel like

354
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that over here. And we can still be fully supported without

355
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feeling like without feeling the feeling the support as

356
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resistance against us pushing down, which is what we're used to

357
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over here. So what I'm saying is, what I'm saying is, what

358
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you're feeling like you're falling is, is a bit of an is

359
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kind of like an

360
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area there. Yeah. Sorry. Every now and then, you know, zoom will

361
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just kind of show the show, shut down and abort. And then it'll

362
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just start back up again, to stop, not touch it, it closes by

363
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itself, and it reopens by itself. I just love to do a

364
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little thing. I don't know why it does that. I don't know if

365
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like, there's a lot of people on zoom. But anyway, my point is

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that the about falling, it's that we're used to feeling

367
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something in a particular way, or if you're used to feeling

368
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support in a particular way, and we no longer feel support in

369
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the same way, it feels like falling, the only way to

370
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describe it to ourselves that Oh, well, this thing that I'm

371
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used to having is no longer there, we feel like, well, then

372
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then I'm falling. And it's, and it's not necessarily true. It

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means that what it was that we were relying on and waiting for

374
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in order to, that we determined in our mind, this is what

375
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support feels like, if it doesn't feel like that anymore,

376
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we think we're falling. And it's not true. We're still being

377
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supported, but support feels very different. It feels very

378
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effortless. And there's no resistance anymore to what it to

379
00:23:21.360 --> 00:23:24.880
us that's been created against us, because there's no

380
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resistance in the Lord. In the world, there's a lot of

381
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resistance, but there's not there's not in the Lord. And so

382
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and then another thing about the whole falling thing is it's

383
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just simply you, you know, or you feel like you've got no

384
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sure footing. Sometimes some of that is all of this stuff that

385
00:23:44.160 --> 00:23:48.720
God wants to come up and out, and it's coming up and out. And

386
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so it looks messy, it feels messy, we're associating these

387
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things with this means I'm out of control. This means my world

388
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is out of control. This means that we see we tell our stories

389
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about stuff. So that's the story that we tell ourselves is that

390
00:24:05.520 --> 00:24:10.000
when we feel these things, it must be bad. We put the label

391
00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:14.320
bad on it. And no, it just needs to go up and out. And it's fine.

392
00:24:14.320 --> 00:24:16.240
That's that whole thing that we were talking about with the

393
00:24:16.240 --> 00:24:19.680
whole container. We've got something in it. And the fact

394
00:24:19.680 --> 00:24:22.640
that you are what you keep calling asleep, you know, the

395
00:24:22.640 --> 00:24:26.480
fact that you're resting, which is fascinating, that you call

396
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it sleep, because in the Bible, when God wants to talk to us

397
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about rest, when he wants to symbolize rest, he put people

398
00:24:37.840 --> 00:24:45.520
to sleep. Adam was asleep when he created Eve. Abraham was put

399
00:24:45.520 --> 00:24:48.560
to sleep by God when God created the covenant with Abraham,

400
00:24:48.560 --> 00:24:51.040
remember, and then he passed between the halves of the

401
00:24:51.040 --> 00:24:54.320
animals, you know, because Adam, I mean, Adam, Abraham created

402
00:24:54.320 --> 00:24:57.440
the altar. And when God made the covenant with Abraham, he put

403
00:24:57.440 --> 00:24:58.800
Abraham into a deep sleep.

404
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:06.880
God wants to be the one who creates covenant with us and we don't have to do

405
00:25:06.880 --> 00:25:11.200
anything to create the covenant. We're the third party beneficiary and

406
00:25:11.200 --> 00:25:16.320
he makes the covenant with himself. Abraham was just the beneficiary, so

407
00:25:16.320 --> 00:25:21.680
Abraham was able to go to sleep because God wants to symbolize to us, look, you're

408
00:25:21.680 --> 00:25:26.120
in rest. So I think that's neat that you described it as, you know, there's this

409
00:25:26.120 --> 00:25:36.600
part of me that's asleep. There was all kinds of things that God was doing while

410
00:25:36.600 --> 00:25:43.720
Jesus was dead and buried for three days and Jesus was asleep, you know, and there

411
00:25:43.720 --> 00:25:47.320
was all kinds of things that the Lord was doing to reconcile us to himself and

412
00:25:47.320 --> 00:25:52.200
all of that during, well, he'd already reconciled us to himself, but the

413
00:25:52.200 --> 00:25:55.560
thing is, you know, Jesus went down to hell, it says, and preached to those

414
00:25:55.560 --> 00:25:59.560
who had died before the flood, who died in the flood, you know, all of that kind

415
00:25:59.560 --> 00:26:04.280
of thing, and I don't remember which book of the Bible that that was in,

416
00:26:04.280 --> 00:26:08.360
but there's, I thought it was neat that, because you're the only one that I've

417
00:26:08.360 --> 00:26:13.320
that I've been talking to that thought of to describe it as, it feels like a

418
00:26:13.320 --> 00:26:21.960
part of me is asleep, so that's just a picture that I have at rest.

419
00:26:21.960 --> 00:26:26.600
Yeah, so all of that's very normal. It's part of the process, it's part of the

420
00:26:26.600 --> 00:26:31.480
letting go, it's part of learning to not rely on the things that we used to rely

421
00:26:31.480 --> 00:26:37.560
on to give us that support. That's all that it is. It's very normal to

422
00:26:37.560 --> 00:26:42.440
feel that way. It's just part of the process. It's just, I was so not

423
00:26:42.440 --> 00:26:46.320
prepared, like, for the whole emotional side of things. You know, when you, we used

424
00:26:46.320 --> 00:26:49.880
to have a pool and we'd shove stuff down so far into the surface that it would go

425
00:26:49.880 --> 00:26:55.320
flying back up, and that's how I feel. I feel like all of my emotions are, like,

426
00:26:55.320 --> 00:27:00.200
bobbing back up on the surface, and I'm like, whoa, where did you come from? And,

427
00:27:00.200 --> 00:27:06.480
like, I was thinking today, I was like, you know, this isn't, like, is it

428
00:27:06.480 --> 00:27:11.400
just a pregnancy thing? And I was like, no, like, with Eric, I was not emotional

429
00:27:11.400 --> 00:27:15.160
like this. I was like, no, this is actually happening, and I'm like, I always

430
00:27:15.160 --> 00:27:19.200
thought, I told myself for so long, I'm not an emotional person, like, I'm just not

431
00:27:19.240 --> 00:27:24.560
an emotional person, and, you know, I'm a thinker, not a feeler, you know, and all

432
00:27:24.560 --> 00:27:29.880
these things. And all of a sudden today, I was like, that is obviously not true, because all

433
00:27:29.880 --> 00:27:33.960
of a sudden, I was like, this is something, this is a part of me that I have not

434
00:27:33.960 --> 00:27:41.720
experienced for years and years and years, and I feel like, yeah, I feel messy.

435
00:27:41.720 --> 00:27:46.200
Like, that's just the best way to describe it. I'm like, I feel horrible, but

436
00:27:46.240 --> 00:27:50.760
I don't know, like, I don't know how to navigate. I feel like a toddler, where all

437
00:27:50.760 --> 00:27:53.440
of a sudden, they just throw a fit, because they don't know how to control

438
00:27:53.440 --> 00:27:58.160
their emotions. And I'm like, oh my goodness, I'm a grown woman, and I just

439
00:27:58.160 --> 00:28:04.240
can't, it just comes out of me, and I just started crying all over the place. But

440
00:28:04.240 --> 00:28:07.720
it's just, it's been interesting trying, it's been interesting navigating the

441
00:28:07.720 --> 00:28:14.880
part of the emotions that I haven't experienced for years and years. Yeah.

442
00:28:15.320 --> 00:28:23.880
So, you know, that I always consider myself the same way, you know, it was like, I am

443
00:28:23.880 --> 00:28:27.760
not an emotional person. I'm very, very logical. I mean, because what I would do

444
00:28:27.760 --> 00:28:32.680
was, I would shut down emotion, but it was because I didn't trust emotion, and I

445
00:28:32.680 --> 00:28:36.720
didn't trust myself. For one thing, I didn't trust that emotion was real, that

446
00:28:36.720 --> 00:28:42.080
it, in other words, that it was, it could indicate truth about anything. I thought,

447
00:28:42.080 --> 00:28:45.040
oh, those are just, you know, you just feel a particular way, and you shouldn't

448
00:28:45.040 --> 00:28:49.400
feel like that, or that doesn't mean that something's true. Just because you feel

449
00:28:49.400 --> 00:28:54.600
that it is, doesn't mean it is true, so I shut it off. And I also didn't trust

450
00:28:54.600 --> 00:28:57.520
myself with it, because I thought, oh my goodness, I'm just gonna be carried away,

451
00:28:57.520 --> 00:29:04.800
and then I'm not gonna be in control. So, shutting off emotion, and working, and

452
00:29:05.120 --> 00:29:13.800
basing things off of strictly logic, is a coping mechanism, and it's not, it's not

453
00:29:13.800 --> 00:29:18.320
healthy. It's similar to being an extrovert or an introvert. Both of them

454
00:29:18.320 --> 00:29:22.680
are coping mechanisms. It's just the choice that someone makes about how to

455
00:29:22.680 --> 00:29:28.760
cope with their pain. Some people are extroverts. I've dealt with mine in an

456
00:29:28.760 --> 00:29:32.840
introverted way, so I always thought I was, I was introverted. Well, no, both of

457
00:29:32.880 --> 00:29:43.040
those in extreme are coping mechanisms. So, anyway, but yeah, we, we, when, the

458
00:29:43.040 --> 00:29:49.160
thing is that no matter who we are, we're, we're going to have emotions, and our

459
00:29:49.160 --> 00:29:57.120
emotions are, you know, the barometer of what it is that we actually believe. So,

460
00:29:57.120 --> 00:30:02.200
we all have it, whether or not we ignore it, and then, if

461
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:09.040
especially, especially if we ignore our emotions and we don't allow them to come out then because

462
00:30:09.040 --> 00:30:15.840
or because allowing something to come out is allowing it to go away, up and out and away.

463
00:30:16.640 --> 00:30:21.840
Now if we're feeding off of it, that's very different, but if we just kind of, if we cry,

464
00:30:22.560 --> 00:30:27.600
we're letting out and we're healing. If we're expressing a certain amount of emotion, we're a

465
00:30:28.000 --> 00:30:33.360
to a certain extent. I'm just painting this subject with a very broad brush. We're letting

466
00:30:33.360 --> 00:30:41.200
things up and out so that it won't stay inside us and poison us anymore. And if we don't let

467
00:30:41.200 --> 00:30:50.000
out emotion, then it will, and we stifle it, that thing the body considers to be poison.

468
00:30:50.720 --> 00:30:57.280
And so it will do whatever it has to do in order to, it will treat it like it treats poison.

469
00:30:58.080 --> 00:31:05.920
It will, and it will manifest as sicknesses, whether it's sicknesses of other emotions that

470
00:31:05.920 --> 00:31:10.480
start getting triggered or it's sicknesses, it's in like literal body sicknesses. Most,

471
00:31:11.280 --> 00:31:16.480
well, like, like for instance, I'm going to use gut health for instance, for example, gut health

472
00:31:16.480 --> 00:31:26.480
is, and gut issues are a result of stifled, stifled emotions. Typically, it can, it can be

473
00:31:26.480 --> 00:31:34.080
related to feelings of, of control, trying to really control situations. And by that, I'm not

474
00:31:34.080 --> 00:31:39.600
talking about being manipulative of other people. I'm talking about trying to gain control of

475
00:31:39.600 --> 00:31:46.320
oneself in order to keep oneself together, where if they, if people feel attacked, that didn't

476
00:31:46.320 --> 00:31:51.520
feel that it was godly or that they were to attack back because they didn't know how to, how to

477
00:31:51.520 --> 00:31:58.480
helpfully deal with the situation, then it can internalize in, in gut health. And because we're

478
00:31:58.480 --> 00:32:07.760
not letting certain emotions out. So anyway, so all of this is stuff that, you know, you stifled for

479
00:32:07.760 --> 00:32:15.280
so long, but you're the body and the soul is very aware because of how naturally God, how create,

480
00:32:15.280 --> 00:32:21.920
how God created natural principles to operate. It's naturally knows how to handle that. And it

481
00:32:21.920 --> 00:32:27.120
knows this thing is poison, and I've got to get it out fast. It's kind of like how the body reacts

482
00:32:27.120 --> 00:32:34.240
when it, when we have diarrhea, that if something is considered extremely poisonous to the body,

483
00:32:34.240 --> 00:32:39.760
it won't absorb all of the water that gets flushed into the intestines, you know, when something

484
00:32:39.760 --> 00:32:44.000
comes through, and then something will stay in the intestines a while, while the body absorbs

485
00:32:44.000 --> 00:32:48.080
all of the water. And then of course, you know, it's not watery when it comes out. But when we

486
00:32:48.080 --> 00:32:53.360
have diarrhea, that's the body having pumped the intestines full of water, like normal, only as

487
00:32:53.360 --> 00:32:58.080
soon as something hits what they think is probably the purpose of the appendix, but obviously like

488
00:32:58.080 --> 00:33:05.280
that, whatever patches that there's, there's this something pyres patches, pyres patches,

489
00:33:05.280 --> 00:33:10.000
I believe is what they're called. And you're right, right near the right near the appendix.

490
00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:16.240
When anything hits those that the body thinks, we've got to get this out fast, because this will

491
00:33:16.240 --> 00:33:20.800
kill us, then we get diarrhea, because it flushes everything out, including with the water,

492
00:33:20.800 --> 00:33:26.720
because they're like, we're not absorbing anything of this. That's a lot of what you know, what

493
00:33:26.720 --> 00:33:32.320
is going on with these emotions, there is so much packed down that and there took so much control

494
00:33:32.320 --> 00:33:40.560
for you to hold on to it that as soon as she started started, as soon as you stopped stifling

495
00:33:40.560 --> 00:33:48.160
as much it, there was so much pressure built up, it's exploding. So because it's body naturally

496
00:33:48.160 --> 00:33:52.880
in body and the soul naturally operating according to the way that really said immediately,

497
00:33:52.880 --> 00:33:57.680
we got to get this thing out fast. And there's probably just a lot in there. And the more packed

498
00:33:57.680 --> 00:34:02.480
in there, you know, the tighter reign and control that you had to have on it, the more pressure

499
00:34:02.480 --> 00:34:07.120
that's built up, because the more that it's compacted. So as soon as you start releasing

500
00:34:07.120 --> 00:34:13.040
some of the pressure, there's so much in there, it starts shooting out. So but the good thing is

501
00:34:13.040 --> 00:34:19.520
that the faster that it shoots out, the faster you'll go through this process. But just because,

502
00:34:20.080 --> 00:34:26.080
yeah, so anyway, also remember that when you muscle a dog, and this is going to sound terrible.

503
00:34:26.719 --> 00:34:30.480
But because I don't mean it about you. I mean, it about all of it.

504
00:34:32.239 --> 00:34:39.840
We've been muzzled our whole lives. We think this is a wonderful dog, and it won't and it doesn't

505
00:34:39.840 --> 00:34:45.920
bite anybody. Well, the dog's been muzzled. You take that muzzle off, suddenly, you're going to

506
00:34:45.920 --> 00:34:53.040
find what what that dog really is like. And that's what what's happening here is, is these these

507
00:34:53.040 --> 00:34:59.840
religious structures made us look pretty and nice, but it didn't make us pretty and nice. So

508
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:07.120
we, now we really are pretty and nice, but that we have to operate out of our spirit

509
00:35:07.120 --> 00:35:12.160
instead of operating out of our soul. Because the religious structure just allows us to operate

510
00:35:12.160 --> 00:35:18.400
out of our soul and just make it look pretty. And God's like, no, no, you naturally can do that

511
00:35:18.400 --> 00:35:23.680
operating out of the spirit, but without a muzzle. So you take the muzzle off so that the soul can

512
00:35:23.680 --> 00:35:29.040
now transfer over here and the process doesn't look pretty. There's one more thing I want to

513
00:35:29.040 --> 00:35:34.160
mention, and that's where this is found in the Bible, what a messy process that this is expected

514
00:35:34.160 --> 00:35:40.640
to be. And that is when the Israelites moved into Canaan and the fact that God was telling them,

515
00:35:40.640 --> 00:35:46.640
even though he gave them the land, he did tell them, I want you to go in and I want you to kill

516
00:35:46.640 --> 00:35:52.240
the men and women and children. I mean, they did it with swords. You've got to be up close and

517
00:35:52.240 --> 00:35:59.200
personal and see people, see women and children in the eyes and run them through this world. I

518
00:35:59.200 --> 00:36:05.360
mean, you can't, you've got to be close in order to do that. And God said, I want you to do that.

519
00:36:05.360 --> 00:36:12.080
In other words, he's like, he expected it to be messy. I mean, can you imagine the bloody mess of

520
00:36:12.080 --> 00:36:18.160
that? It sounds awful. And yet God says, I've given you that land, but you're going to actually have

521
00:36:18.160 --> 00:36:25.200
to go into it and it's going to be a bloody mess while you do it. God knew it. In fact, he gave them

522
00:36:25.200 --> 00:36:30.640
instructions to do the very things that would cause it to be a bloody mess. Now it's not like

523
00:36:30.640 --> 00:36:36.400
God just loves the bloody mess. My point is that he says that that's the process. He's the

524
00:36:36.400 --> 00:36:41.680
one who created the world. He knew how he created it and why it worked that way. And if he wanted it

525
00:36:41.680 --> 00:36:48.240
to be different, where he's like, I want nothing to touch my people, Israel, and I don't want it to

526
00:36:48.240 --> 00:36:53.520
be bloody and I don't want it to be messy, he would have pushed out the Canaanites ahead of the people

527
00:36:53.520 --> 00:36:58.400
of Israel. Even without killing the Canaanites, he would have had them all to be scared

528
00:36:59.440 --> 00:37:04.480
and they ran off, which happened several times in Israel's history, where there would be people

529
00:37:04.480 --> 00:37:10.160
coming against the nation and they didn't even have to fight anything. They'd wake up the next

530
00:37:10.160 --> 00:37:14.320
morning and either everybody would be dead because the angel of war had come the night before,

531
00:37:14.320 --> 00:37:20.000
or they had gotten message that something bad had happened in their other kingdom.

532
00:37:20.000 --> 00:37:26.720
And then so they all upped and left without the Israelites having to fight. So when the

533
00:37:26.720 --> 00:37:31.680
Israelites got to the fighting ground the next day, got to the encampment, everybody's

534
00:37:31.680 --> 00:37:36.640
gone because they'd gotten word that they had to go back to their kingdom for something. And so

535
00:37:36.640 --> 00:37:42.400
that way God even saved those people from the sword, even from the angel of the Lord.

536
00:37:43.200 --> 00:37:50.400
So God can do it different ways, but my point is not how we can understand and reconcile that

537
00:37:50.400 --> 00:37:56.960
whole idea of, God, you would allow all of his poor people to be killed and then you would tell

538
00:37:56.960 --> 00:38:01.920
your people to kill men, women, and children? Without getting into all of that, we can just know

539
00:38:02.640 --> 00:38:08.000
God gave them the land. He promised them the land. He said, this is yours. However,

540
00:38:08.720 --> 00:38:16.480
I want you to go in and do things that it's act and the result of you doing things is going

541
00:38:16.480 --> 00:38:24.560
to create a bloody mess. So don't condemn yourself or feel shamed or feel embarrassed

542
00:38:24.560 --> 00:38:30.880
or feel that something's not right and I must be doing it wrong. Or maybe I'm not safe or maybe

543
00:38:30.880 --> 00:38:37.120
I'm not secure or maybe this is proof that this actually isn't real and maybe this is proof that

544
00:38:37.920 --> 00:38:46.960
there really isn't stability in this new place. Don't understand this is normal. So don't be

545
00:38:46.960 --> 00:38:51.600
concerned or worried that, oh, well, this is evidence that this is wrong because there's

546
00:38:51.600 --> 00:38:58.400
precedence in the Bible for this. That's helpful. One thing I was wondering though,

547
00:38:58.560 --> 00:39:04.080
like, I mean, there have been some intense, intense feelings surfaced that I have not

548
00:39:04.800 --> 00:39:11.600
felt for a long time. And how do I, how do I deal with them? Like today, when, you know,

549
00:39:11.600 --> 00:39:15.600
I was talking to my sister and stuff and getting off the phone, like there were a flood of feelings

550
00:39:15.600 --> 00:39:22.080
that I have not felt for a long time or that I haven't let myself, you know, actually feel it.

551
00:39:22.960 --> 00:39:29.840
And, and like a lot of the things like, so for example, all of my siblings finished high school,

552
00:39:29.840 --> 00:39:34.400
except me, I was the only dropout of high school. And how do you reconcile things that are actually

553
00:39:34.400 --> 00:39:42.080
true, but that you can't like, you know what I mean? Like, it's true that I am the only one who

554
00:39:42.080 --> 00:39:46.640
didn't do high school, you know, doesn't mean that I'm a failure necessarily, but it's true that I

555
00:39:46.640 --> 00:39:51.120
didn't do high school. You know, how do you reconcile with the truth of the matter, but not

556
00:39:51.120 --> 00:39:54.720
have identity crisis one-on-one every time that stuff like that comes up?

557
00:39:56.320 --> 00:39:59.920
Well, so even though you're saying all the right things,

558
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:02.240
It's like, well, I'm not a failure.

559
00:40:02.680 --> 00:40:06.600
There's still some element in there where they're thinking, yeah, but that's,

560
00:40:07.160 --> 00:40:08.640
that's a threshold.

561
00:40:08.640 --> 00:40:09.560
That's a measurement.

562
00:40:09.560 --> 00:40:10.960
That's a standard.

563
00:40:11.560 --> 00:40:14.520
And therefore I have, I've fallen short of that standard.

564
00:40:15.040 --> 00:40:21.760
So actually the, the problem is that it's a standard at all in your

565
00:40:21.760 --> 00:40:23.520
mind, that that's not a standard.

566
00:40:24.800 --> 00:40:25.720
That's the problem.

567
00:40:25.720 --> 00:40:27.200
That's the, it's the feeling.

568
00:40:27.200 --> 00:40:28.520
It's like, this is a standard.

569
00:40:28.520 --> 00:40:29.800
No, it's actually not a standard.

570
00:40:30.800 --> 00:40:31.600
It's a standard.

571
00:40:31.640 --> 00:40:35.400
The world came up with in order to make themselves feel better about themselves

572
00:40:35.400 --> 00:40:39.360
because they didn't have God and his value of them to make them feel better.

573
00:40:39.360 --> 00:40:42.360
So they're like, okay, well, if we create standards of measurement, all

574
00:40:42.360 --> 00:40:43.880
of those things are arbitrary.

575
00:40:44.480 --> 00:40:47.920
Most people in the world do not graduate with a, from a, from high school.

576
00:40:48.760 --> 00:40:53.600
A lot, everybody in the, most people in the Western world do a lot, but most

577
00:40:53.600 --> 00:40:58.960
people in the world today, 2020 don't graduate with high school degree.

578
00:40:59.680 --> 00:41:04.000
Um, and not to mention all of the billions that have lived up to this point.

579
00:41:04.240 --> 00:41:06.240
So it's some, it's arbitrary.

580
00:41:06.280 --> 00:41:08.600
It doesn't mean anything.

581
00:41:09.440 --> 00:41:12.200
Um, so this is actually an easy one.

582
00:41:12.480 --> 00:41:16.640
Now, the harder one for us to reconcile is something like, well, what if I've

583
00:41:16.640 --> 00:41:22.320
killed somebody, you know, things like that, because that standard we've gotten

584
00:41:22.320 --> 00:41:26.960
from the Bible, but remember what, um, okay, so this is me, let me try to

585
00:41:26.960 --> 00:41:31.200
remember which, which, um, let me get my Bible.

586
00:41:31.240 --> 00:41:32.960
I think it's Psalm 51.

587
00:41:33.000 --> 00:41:33.520
Just say.

588
00:41:33.520 --> 00:41:33.840
Okay.

589
00:41:52.600 --> 00:41:52.920
Okay.

590
00:41:52.920 --> 00:41:59.840
So first of all, it's very important to not deny the reality of, because I think

591
00:41:59.840 --> 00:42:03.120
that I, I don't remember if I talked about that in one of my lives or not.

592
00:42:03.760 --> 00:42:05.840
Maybe I was talking to a client personally about this.

593
00:42:05.840 --> 00:42:09.400
I don't remember, but it's very important for us to not deny reality.

594
00:42:09.760 --> 00:42:12.320
And one of the things is the reality of what it is we're feeling.

595
00:42:12.400 --> 00:42:14.640
It's very, very important for us to face it.

596
00:42:15.200 --> 00:42:18.840
The reason why we're not willing to face it is that we're concerned that it's saying

597
00:42:18.840 --> 00:42:25.160
the very thing that we're afraid that it's saying, or I should feel ashamed, or

598
00:42:25.160 --> 00:42:28.680
this is proof that God won't love me or he won't accept me or whatever.

599
00:42:29.120 --> 00:42:33.360
And, but to now know that there is therefore now no condemnation, there's

600
00:42:33.360 --> 00:42:35.600
no reason to fear facing any of them.

601
00:42:35.960 --> 00:42:39.800
So it's very important for us to face the reality because it's only in facing the

602
00:42:39.800 --> 00:42:45.160
reality that we can actually come to terms with it and peace with it.

603
00:42:45.440 --> 00:42:49.760
Otherwise it's always going to be niggling in the back of our mind that, well, this

604
00:42:49.760 --> 00:42:51.240
is something that I haven't faced.

605
00:42:51.240 --> 00:42:56.960
And what if it raises its ugly head and it, it completely dismantles all of this

606
00:42:56.960 --> 00:43:03.120
other progress that I've made in my shift of mindset.

607
00:43:03.240 --> 00:43:09.400
So it's very important for us to face it because it's only by facing the truth

608
00:43:10.400 --> 00:43:13.560
that we can get back on sure footing.

609
00:43:13.560 --> 00:43:15.880
And by sure footing, I don't mean this sure footing over here, which

610
00:43:15.880 --> 00:43:20.120
created resistance, but this sure footing isn't, you're always supported, even

611
00:43:20.120 --> 00:43:23.320
though you don't feel the resistance underneath you when you've stepped out.

612
00:43:23.720 --> 00:43:25.360
Um, okay.

613
00:43:25.360 --> 00:43:30.200
So let me look, Psalm, I think it's Psalm 57.

614
00:43:30.360 --> 00:43:36.360
I mean, sorry, Psalm 51, because David, you remember David?

615
00:43:37.400 --> 00:43:37.680
Okay.

616
00:43:37.680 --> 00:43:38.520
No, that's not right.

617
00:43:38.920 --> 00:43:39.720
Here we go.

618
00:43:39.800 --> 00:43:40.400
Oh no, no.

619
00:43:40.400 --> 00:43:41.240
It's Psalm 51.

620
00:43:41.760 --> 00:43:42.400
I remembered.

621
00:43:42.440 --> 00:43:43.000
Very excited.

622
00:43:43.160 --> 00:43:43.640
Okay.

623
00:43:44.200 --> 00:43:46.960
Um, uh, okay.

624
00:43:46.960 --> 00:43:52.040
So you remember that David had gone through amazing things up to this point.

625
00:43:52.280 --> 00:43:57.320
He had, uh, uh, the Lord had say he'd already slain Goliath.

626
00:43:57.680 --> 00:43:59.600
He'd had to run from Saul.

627
00:43:59.960 --> 00:44:06.800
Um, but the people had, he'd already been anointed as king and so many people while

628
00:44:06.800 --> 00:44:10.560
he was in hiding with his mighty men, which were astonishing what those mighty

629
00:44:10.560 --> 00:44:14.360
men could do, um, I think it was like one of them could like slay a

630
00:44:14.360 --> 00:44:15.760
thousand by himself or something.

631
00:44:15.760 --> 00:44:16.600
I mean, it was just wild.

632
00:44:17.080 --> 00:44:22.800
And, um, uh, and then of course he was, he would hide out and the Lord completely

633
00:44:22.800 --> 00:44:24.720
protected him against Saul and whatever.

634
00:44:24.720 --> 00:44:27.440
And then, and then miraculously he became king.

635
00:44:27.800 --> 00:44:33.320
And then he just sees, he sees the Lord come through repeatedly for him and for

636
00:44:33.320 --> 00:44:37.320
the nation of Israel in, in the arm, in, um, in like battles and everything.

637
00:44:37.320 --> 00:44:42.440
I mean, so he's seen things that we're now reading about in scripture and yet

638
00:44:42.920 --> 00:44:48.000
he took Bathsheba as, um, and committed adultery with her.

639
00:44:48.080 --> 00:44:51.240
And not, and not only did he do that, but it was actually the

640
00:44:51.240 --> 00:44:53.200
wife of one of his mighty men.

641
00:44:53.600 --> 00:44:57.040
And I don't remember how many mighty men he had, but there weren't that many

642
00:44:57.040 --> 00:44:58.720
considering how many there were in Israel.

643
00:44:58.720 --> 00:44:59.080
I don't know.

644
00:44:59.080 --> 00:44:59.760
I remember there were.

645
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:18.160
Your 50 maybe. Anyway, it wasn't that many. So he knew them all very personally. They've been through so much together and he took one of their lives and committed adultery with her in public. I mean, his someone had to go get her for him. And so then

646
00:45:19.160 --> 00:45:28.360
When then, of course, you know, he had Uriah killed. So he tries to hide it by calling Uriah back. So hoping that he'll sleep with Beshe, but which he doesn't.

647
00:45:29.000 --> 00:45:39.640
And then, then he tells one of his other mighty men. He was a co friend and mutual friend between him and Uriah. Hey, you kill our mutual friends.

648
00:45:40.440 --> 00:45:49.680
It was just terrible. These things that he did. So he murdered somebody. Yeah, he committed adultery with his wife and he tried to cover it up and then he and then he

649
00:45:50.080 --> 00:45:55.400
murdered him. Then what he does is when Nathan, the prophet faces and he says,

650
00:45:57.000 --> 00:46:02.280
David and miss me. So you're right. I have sinned before the Lord. And so this is really fascinating. He says,

651
00:46:02.720 --> 00:46:14.440
So have mercy on me. Oh God, according to your unfailing love according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. So this entire passage. He's always talking about the character of God.

652
00:46:14.840 --> 00:46:24.560
He's always calling on the character of God and not about himself. He just says, like is in the reason why God would still accept him.

653
00:46:25.120 --> 00:46:40.000
He says, wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin, for I know my transgressions. So in other words, he's admitting it or they've done this. My sin is always before me against you all and you only have I sinned.

654
00:46:41.000 --> 00:46:53.600
I mean, we would think, wait a minute. What would Bathsheba have to say about that. What would Uriah have to say about that. What would Joe ash. I think it was Joe ash. That was that that it was the mutual friend, who is that he was the commander of the whole army and whatever

655
00:46:54.760 --> 00:47:01.640
What would all of these people have to say about that. And yet, David, who knows the heart of the Father says

656
00:47:01.640 --> 00:47:11.320
Against you and you only have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proven right when you speak and justified when you when you judge and

657
00:47:13.880 --> 00:47:26.840
Cleanse me with hyssop and I will be clean. Wash me I'll be whiter than snow. And then, yeah, let me hear joy and gladness. Let the bones you have crushed rejoice. This is that man that just murdered somebody

658
00:47:26.840 --> 00:47:39.840
And in the end, he's asking Lord to restore him, but there's a part that I want to get to. Do not cast me. Okay, do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me restored to me completely restore

659
00:47:40.360 --> 00:47:50.120
Restore to me the joy of your salvation. Grant me a willing spirit to sustain me, then I will teach transgressors your ways and sinners will turn back to you.

660
00:47:50.120 --> 00:48:09.080
Save me from blood guilt. Oh God, the Lord. Yeah. Oh God, the God who saves me and my tongue will sing of your righteousness and the sacrifices of God are broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart. Oh God, you will not despise and so anyway, he's saying that

661
00:48:09.080 --> 00:48:21.360
And so anyway, he's saying that that God is the one who created this standard that murder was wrong adultery was wrong. All these things are wrong and

662
00:48:22.360 --> 00:48:43.360
And he's saying, Lord, it's against you only that I've sinned. So if you forgive me, I'm forgiven. And I'm forgiven to the point that I will even have the right because I'm perfectly clean. It says, where was that darn

663
00:48:43.480 --> 00:48:53.320
Darn and I will be wider than other go wash me and I will be wider than snow. Remember that that's the opposite of

664
00:48:55.320 --> 00:49:02.720
The fact that Jesus talks about the fact that our sins make us as scarlet are as though your sins be a scarlet

665
00:49:03.200 --> 00:49:14.400
They will be you will be white as snow. What that means is to un die something so scarlet requires the greatest amount of

666
00:49:15.520 --> 00:49:26.120
Of color. I mean, like, like, is that you've got to doubt something in red in order for it to really be scarlet. Otherwise, it just turns out pink and then darker and darker and darker pink.

667
00:49:26.560 --> 00:49:32.320
You have to doubt that thing in order for it to be a vibrant scarlet color. There's no getting that out.

668
00:49:32.680 --> 00:49:38.960
There's no getting that out. And if God says that, hey, I will take your scarlet and I will make it as white as snow. It means

669
00:49:39.440 --> 00:49:51.880
He will make it as if it never happened because it literally cannot wash out the physical principles that the Lord put into place the physical laws that were put into place. Do not allow scarlet to be undyed

670
00:49:51.880 --> 00:49:59.920
Ever so he says, I will make it as white as snow, meaning like he will make it as if it had never

671
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.880
happened. And that is what David is saying. He said, if you cleanse me and you wash me,

672
00:50:04.880 --> 00:50:10.000
I will be whiter than snow. So even though I've done this thing, Lord, I have sinned against you,

673
00:50:10.000 --> 00:50:15.280
but I'm asking you to cleanse me and make me as white as snow. And if you do that, well,

674
00:50:15.280 --> 00:50:20.400
then I will then have the right and the ability because it's as if I've never done it. I've never

675
00:50:20.400 --> 00:50:25.280
sinned because you've made it as if I've never sinned. Then I have the right that I can now turn

676
00:50:25.280 --> 00:50:31.520
around and teach transgressors your ways and sinners will turn back to you. So, I mean,

677
00:50:31.520 --> 00:50:38.720
that's extreme. So it's not kind of, well, I've, I've been forgiven. Um, and the Lord,

678
00:50:38.720 --> 00:50:44.560
you know, is just like, well, you know, we'll just, uh, we'll just overlook it. Um, I won't,

679
00:50:44.560 --> 00:50:51.280
um, I won't hold it against you, but I'm not going to take away the past. Um, and by the way,

680
00:50:51.280 --> 00:50:56.560
you do know that this means that you have no right and no like to stand on, to tell nobody

681
00:50:56.560 --> 00:51:03.120
else to do this because you just did it, you know? And he's like, it's the exact opposite.

682
00:51:03.120 --> 00:51:08.640
It's like, God makes it as if he had never done it. And he has every right to tell other people,

683
00:51:08.640 --> 00:51:16.160
Hey, look, just to stand and declare judgment over others and say, Hey, look, don't do this.

684
00:51:16.160 --> 00:51:22.160
He's got every right to do that. So, so, um, anyway, I just wanted to mention that one about

685
00:51:22.160 --> 00:51:26.720
like something, even as extreme as murder, where it's a standard that God put in place,

686
00:51:27.280 --> 00:51:31.920
not even some arbitrary one that somebody in the world came up with.

687
00:51:32.880 --> 00:51:40.000
Have a way to measure each other. So we've gone all the way. That's how we do it in society,

688
00:51:40.000 --> 00:51:44.240
which is just arbitrary. And God's like, why are you putting those rules on each other

689
00:51:44.800 --> 00:51:50.960
versus, you know, something like, um, even murder where God is the one who created that standard.

690
00:51:51.600 --> 00:51:56.240
This is how, I mean, either one that the whole thing about the world, that one's easy to deal

691
00:51:56.240 --> 00:52:00.240
with because we know that God doesn't hold us to standards that man created like that.

692
00:52:00.800 --> 00:52:07.360
But even the standards that he created, this is how he said that we can be fully restored back to

693
00:52:07.360 --> 00:52:14.560
him. So, um, it, we can't go to extreme that that's, that's extreme right there. You know,

694
00:52:14.560 --> 00:52:19.040
you completely take somebody's life, commit adultery against somebody. I mean, wisdom one

695
00:52:19.040 --> 00:52:26.480
against, against your friend and then you murder and, and all of that. So, um, uh, I'm trying to

696
00:52:26.480 --> 00:52:32.240
think if there is anything else that I could, that I could say is, so it's important for us to realize

697
00:52:32.800 --> 00:52:36.640
I feel like I feel that there's a problem.

698
00:52:42.560 --> 00:52:51.280
That's Ashley. Say good night. Good night. You ready for bed? Okay. Good night.

699
00:52:58.240 --> 00:53:01.760
He thinks he like, if there's a missing pair in a bedtime, he has to go give them a kiss.

700
00:53:01.840 --> 00:53:03.280
Oh, yeah. That makes sense.

701
00:53:05.920 --> 00:53:08.080
Oh, you want another kiss? Okay.

702
00:53:11.120 --> 00:53:12.880
No, you're all done. Okay.

703
00:53:15.760 --> 00:53:16.560
That's Ashley.

704
00:53:20.160 --> 00:53:20.400
Okay.

705
00:53:20.480 --> 00:53:20.960
Good night, buddy.

706
00:53:29.280 --> 00:53:34.000
So anyway, if those, if those feelings come, it's important to recognize, okay,

707
00:53:34.000 --> 00:53:42.000
that is, um, that's reality. This is how I feel and just accept that. And then what I recommend

708
00:53:42.000 --> 00:53:51.920
is instead, we, we can tell ourselves things like, um, what is actually true? Like, okay, well,

709
00:53:52.800 --> 00:53:58.240
you know, that's some arbitrary thing that, that someone came up with it. I'm not actually a

710
00:53:58.240 --> 00:54:04.800
failure. And here's why I know that I'm not. And, um, in the eyes of God and, and we can tell

711
00:54:04.800 --> 00:54:09.200
ourselves all of that so that we kind of have something to kind of contradict it with like

712
00:54:09.200 --> 00:54:19.600
some logic. If this has raised, never works for me. Perfect. Exactly. So that's my point is we

713
00:54:19.600 --> 00:54:25.920
can do that. And we can just acknowledge, I'm acknowledging this reality. I am acknowledging

714
00:54:25.920 --> 00:54:32.400
that this over here is supposed to be true, even though I don't know. Now you get rid of both of

715
00:54:32.400 --> 00:54:38.800
them. And then you take, this is where we go into that whole thing of there's all of this negative.

716
00:54:38.800 --> 00:54:45.360
And instead of being repelled by the negative or trying to battle a lie, just release it all

717
00:54:45.360 --> 00:54:50.400
together and be like, okay, well, you just hang out over here if you want to, but I'm just going

718
00:54:50.400 --> 00:54:58.640
to focus on feeling on opening myself up to receiving the love of the Lord, living in the

719
00:54:58.640 --> 00:54:59.680
love of the Lord.

720
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:06.000
living in his acceptance because he's so good to me and he's so loving that he doesn't even

721
00:55:06.000 --> 00:55:12.480
have to have a reason for why he shows me goodness and he shows me love.

722
00:55:12.480 --> 00:55:19.320
Over here, I'm thinking that this creates some reason why he would or wouldn't show

723
00:55:19.320 --> 00:55:22.320
me love and goodness.

724
00:55:22.320 --> 00:55:29.400
Once I just kind of acknowledge how I feel and acknowledge and I can think of some reasons

725
00:55:29.400 --> 00:55:32.400
of why it wouldn't be true, and sometimes you're not going to be able to come up with

726
00:55:32.400 --> 00:55:33.400
them.

727
00:55:33.400 --> 00:55:35.360
Sometimes you're like, I don't know why that's not true.

728
00:55:35.360 --> 00:55:41.560
Whatever it is, you just have to kind of acknowledge it and then stop focusing on it.

729
00:55:41.560 --> 00:55:44.880
It doesn't mean that it's not going to kind of like niggle in the back of your mind and

730
00:55:44.880 --> 00:55:52.720
keep wanting to, you know, beg for attention, but you just feel your life in your mind so

731
00:55:52.720 --> 00:55:57.960
much that the fact that God is good to me and God is loving and he doesn't even need

732
00:55:57.960 --> 00:55:59.680
a reason for why he is.

733
00:55:59.680 --> 00:56:04.960
I mean, I don't prompt a reason if you're struggling with that.

734
00:56:04.960 --> 00:56:09.960
We do prompt a reason in the fact that he finds us desirable and the fact that he looks

735
00:56:09.960 --> 00:56:15.280
on us proves that he finds us desirable and proves he finds us worthy of love and finds

736
00:56:15.280 --> 00:56:16.280
us lovable.

737
00:56:16.280 --> 00:56:21.400
If we just focus on that and we choose that that's our reality, even if we may not, even

738
00:56:21.400 --> 00:56:26.000
if we struggle believing it, even if we don't feel like it, we choose it.

739
00:56:26.040 --> 00:56:28.840
I'm just going to choose that's my reality.

740
00:56:28.840 --> 00:56:32.680
And then, and we just, and we live life like that.

741
00:56:32.680 --> 00:56:37.680
It's like, what's the, that's a good word to use it.

742
00:56:37.680 --> 00:56:40.040
It's like living in your own world.

743
00:56:40.040 --> 00:56:44.480
You know how people talk about other people and they'll say, oh, well, so-and-so just

744
00:56:44.480 --> 00:56:49.480
kind of lives in his own world and they talk about it negatively as if, well, they're not

745
00:56:49.480 --> 00:56:50.480
living in reality.

746
00:56:50.480 --> 00:56:55.080
They've kind of created their own world and that there's no way that they can function

747
00:56:55.160 --> 00:56:56.160
like that.

748
00:56:56.160 --> 00:56:58.400
And everybody just kind of leaves them alone.

749
00:56:58.400 --> 00:57:05.160
It's that kind of an idea is when we don't feel it and we don't believe it yet, we just

750
00:57:05.160 --> 00:57:09.440
have to decide, I'm going to choose that that's my reality.

751
00:57:09.440 --> 00:57:11.640
This is what how, what I've walked through.

752
00:57:11.640 --> 00:57:14.600
I didn't believe things.

753
00:57:14.600 --> 00:57:20.920
I did not believe this life when I stepped into it, I chose it because everything else

754
00:57:20.920 --> 00:57:22.400
didn't work.

755
00:57:22.400 --> 00:57:27.040
And I had pushed it to the nth degree and I had studied everything and everybody else

756
00:57:27.040 --> 00:57:30.000
that I knew believed like that.

757
00:57:30.000 --> 00:57:31.880
And I was just out on my own.

758
00:57:31.880 --> 00:57:32.880
I didn't know what I was doing.

759
00:57:32.880 --> 00:57:37.480
All I knew is what I was miserable and I was like, I'm not going to live like this anymore.

760
00:57:37.480 --> 00:57:38.800
I'm not going to live miserable.

761
00:57:38.800 --> 00:57:43.520
Even if everybody else tells me that that is the only godly way to live.

762
00:57:43.520 --> 00:57:45.320
I can't do it anymore.

763
00:57:45.320 --> 00:57:49.720
I'm not abandoning the Lord, but I don't, Lord, I don't feel like I really even know

764
00:57:49.720 --> 00:57:50.720
you.

765
00:57:51.040 --> 00:57:54.560
So I'm just going to choose that.

766
00:57:54.560 --> 00:57:58.300
I've heard that you're this good and I've heard that you're this loving.

767
00:57:58.300 --> 00:57:59.920
So I'm going to choose that.

768
00:57:59.920 --> 00:58:00.920
That's my reality.

769
00:58:00.920 --> 00:58:03.280
And I told him that I said, I'm just going to choose this Lord.

770
00:58:03.280 --> 00:58:04.760
I don't know if it's right.

771
00:58:04.760 --> 00:58:08.640
I don't know if I'm going to, if it's going to get to the point where you're going to

772
00:58:08.640 --> 00:58:11.360
like bop me over the head and say, Ashley, you were being deceived.

773
00:58:11.360 --> 00:58:15.120
It's like, Lord, I don't know, but the other didn't work.

774
00:58:15.120 --> 00:58:19.280
So I'm going to jump in with both feet and choose that this is the reality in which I

775
00:58:19.280 --> 00:58:20.280
live.

776
00:58:20.840 --> 00:58:27.560
And that becomes so big in your world that, and, and the Lord, then it frees you up because

777
00:58:27.560 --> 00:58:30.840
you begin to release things.

778
00:58:30.840 --> 00:58:37.960
It frees you up so much that the Lord and his truth begin to pervade you and you begin

779
00:58:37.960 --> 00:58:43.440
to know in your spirit that it's true because God is revealing to you, not because logically

780
00:58:43.440 --> 00:58:47.160
it sounds good, because remember you didn't choose it because it sounded logical.

781
00:58:47.160 --> 00:58:51.000
You chose it just because the other didn't work and you, or at least that was me.

782
00:58:51.000 --> 00:58:52.720
The other just didn't work.

783
00:58:52.720 --> 00:59:00.320
And I'm just, I want so badly for this world and this idea and this relationship with God

784
00:59:00.320 --> 00:59:02.120
that I've heard about to be real.

785
00:59:02.120 --> 00:59:03.760
I want it so badly.

786
00:59:03.760 --> 00:59:07.120
I didn't even see it in scripture at the time.

787
00:59:07.120 --> 00:59:10.600
Understand I had to discover in scripture afterwards.

788
00:59:10.600 --> 00:59:11.960
I was that desperate.

789
00:59:11.960 --> 00:59:13.760
This is not normal for me.

790
00:59:14.160 --> 00:59:15.160
This is not normal.

791
00:59:15.160 --> 00:59:16.960
This is a totally different way of life.

792
00:59:16.960 --> 00:59:22.520
I mean, tell me, I'm telling you, I'm probably the most, one of the most extreme people you

793
00:59:22.520 --> 00:59:26.520
would have ever met and, and legalistic.

794
00:59:26.520 --> 00:59:33.280
And I think I told you, did I tell you about, about, you're familiar with Pensacola Christian

795
00:59:33.280 --> 00:59:34.280
College, right?

796
00:59:34.280 --> 00:59:35.280
How legalistic it is?

797
00:59:35.280 --> 00:59:36.280
No, really?

798
00:59:36.280 --> 00:59:37.280
No, not much.

799
00:59:37.280 --> 00:59:38.280
Okay.

800
00:59:38.280 --> 00:59:42.080
Well, Cheryl and Cheryl, both of them went there.

801
00:59:42.080 --> 00:59:43.080
I went to school.

802
00:59:43.080 --> 00:59:48.840
I went to school with Cheryl and then I also, and then Cheryl Reese's sister, Sydney was

803
00:59:48.840 --> 00:59:49.840
in my grade.

804
00:59:49.840 --> 00:59:55.400
So she, she, Cheryl Flair, and I were all freshmen together.

805
00:59:55.400 --> 00:59:59.920
Anyway, you do not get to be a floor leader at PCC at the time.

806
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:14.160
Get to be a floor leader or an RA at PCC by applying, you have to be noticed and and asked and then you get they don't pick people to be floor leaders until their junior year.

807
01:00:15.000 --> 01:00:18.080
I was found sought out

808
01:00:19.080 --> 01:00:33.200
And asked as a sophomore, the first semester of my sophomore year and I became the floor leader. The second semester of my sophomore year I was a co floor leader with Cheryl flares older sister, Becky, actually.

809
01:00:33.920 --> 01:00:45.920
And that is how legalistic. I was that PCC approved of me found me as a sophomore and said that I was a better pick than any junior and senior that they could find

810
01:00:46.800 --> 01:00:58.400
That is extreme and the word saves me from myself. But anyway, the whole idea just choosing something out of abandoned where I didn't even believe it yet.

811
01:00:59.400 --> 01:01:09.320
I just heard that it was possible to abandon everything and risk God's wrath on me, which is the thing that I had tried the most hard to avoid.

812
01:01:09.720 --> 01:01:13.920
It wasn't so much that I was pursuing his love as much as I was trying to avoid his wrath.

813
01:01:14.520 --> 01:01:23.120
And that's where I would base all my decisions was my minimum requirement in life was don't make God mad at me. Don't make him displeased with me.

814
01:01:23.400 --> 01:01:35.800
The biggest thing was don't make him mad at me. And then, and then it would be really good if I didn't make him displeased with me and oh my word, I would feel like I won the lottery if eventually after everything I did and how much I sacrificed and how much blood I shed.

815
01:01:36.360 --> 01:01:51.480
God might love me. It's very, very, very extreme. So this is the person that is telling you I walked through jumping into something and choosing it, even though I didn't believe it yet. I was just like, Lord, I just want it to be true.

816
01:01:51.640 --> 01:02:11.880
I just want it to be true. So correct me if I'm wrong, but I jump into it. And here I go. I was, I was shocked. Even when I did. I was that desperate. So anyway, I just wanted to let you know, I'm not telling you something that sounds so drastic and saying, by the way, I have no idea what that's like.

817
01:02:11.880 --> 01:02:13.920
No, I was willing to risk that.

818
01:02:15.120 --> 01:02:26.880
And so anyway, that's, that's what you can do is if if that's the what I would recommend is the process that you can that you can see if it works for you.

819
01:02:27.320 --> 01:02:36.360
I didn't have anybody to tell me that. That's the process that I learned that worked for me. And so far, it seems to be working for others as well. When I told them.

820
01:02:36.360 --> 01:02:45.920
And the reason I say that is, remember that life isn't a formula. So we hear from one person, one thing, and then we hear from somebody else, a totally different process.

821
01:02:46.320 --> 01:02:53.320
You know, God works with different people in different ways. So there might be, I'm sure that there's other ways to do this. In fact, I know that there are

822
01:02:53.320 --> 01:03:05.840
So there might be, I'm sure that there's other ways to do this, in fact, I know that there are but this is a way that I have that works for me when when I found the transition to be difficult.

823
01:03:06.880 --> 01:03:11.240
Whereas like, how do I get rid of this belief that I have that's haunting me

824
01:03:12.400 --> 01:03:22.960
I just acknowledge it. It's ugly as is. I think that it says about me or like I'm jealous of so and so and I'm, you know, whatever.

825
01:03:23.680 --> 01:03:42.200
I wish my life hadn't been like this. I wish, whatever I acknowledge it and then I if I have something that logically makes sense to me that I can counter it with just to have logic and logic to kind of just make me feel better. Then I'll say that to myself, but I can't use that

826
01:03:43.200 --> 01:03:50.280
As the as the means to help me overcome this because that's too hard. That's the thing that takes a lot of

827
01:03:51.240 --> 01:04:01.800
That can take years in order to grow this logic where it's bigger and louder than this one. It can take a lot of time and it can take a lot of effort. Again, all of that work.

828
01:04:02.360 --> 01:04:11.080
And that hadn't served me. So, but I think it is important. Sometimes if you have any logic that you can count it with logic counter it

829
01:04:11.480 --> 01:04:17.680
Then now that you're like, okay, now that I have all that wrapped up now it's still there. I'm still struggling with that feeling

830
01:04:18.120 --> 01:04:25.000
I'm just going to let it sit there and then I'm going to choose this reality over here, even if I don't believe it.

831
01:04:25.480 --> 01:04:30.640
And if you believe it. Hey, that makes it easier to move into. But even if I don't believe it. I'm going to choose that it's my reality.

832
01:04:31.240 --> 01:04:39.720
And then I just, I continue to choose it and all my decisions every day, all of my and the way that I'm making decisions, whatever.

833
01:04:39.960 --> 01:04:45.400
And it becomes bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger in my world because I'm opening my spirit up to the Lord.

834
01:04:45.760 --> 01:04:59.840
And then the more that I open myself up to him, the more he floods in effortlessly. Remember, this is not anything we have to work for. He just floods in effortlessly and and if he's filling me that other thing.

835
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:05.280
that I'm not hanging on to anymore because I've released it, it naturally gets pushed

836
01:05:05.280 --> 01:05:07.340
out because it's replaced.

837
01:05:07.340 --> 01:05:11.240
So you understand in this whole process, I'm not working.

838
01:05:11.240 --> 01:05:15.960
I'm not fighting that and I'm not coming into heaven trying to pull this down.

839
01:05:15.960 --> 01:05:17.720
I'm not working at all.

840
01:05:17.720 --> 01:05:21.620
I'm just choosing to stop focusing on that.

841
01:05:21.620 --> 01:05:24.360
I'm not pushing it out of my life.

842
01:05:24.360 --> 01:05:26.720
I'm not trying to fight it and tell myself, well, it's not true.

843
01:05:26.720 --> 01:05:27.720
It's not true.

844
01:05:27.720 --> 01:05:28.720
It's not true.

845
01:05:28.720 --> 01:05:29.720
It's not true.

846
01:05:29.720 --> 01:05:30.720
It's not true.

847
01:05:30.720 --> 01:05:31.720
Let it sit there as it wants.

848
01:05:31.720 --> 01:05:34.120
Let it come up periodically and be triggered if it wants.

849
01:05:34.120 --> 01:05:35.120
Fine.

850
01:05:35.120 --> 01:05:36.480
It'll go away eventually.

851
01:05:36.480 --> 01:05:42.200
And I just focus on this and if I focus on it and then it does all the work because it's

852
01:05:42.200 --> 01:05:44.080
meant to serve me.

853
01:05:44.080 --> 01:05:49.480
The spiritual principles from God, rest and whatever are meant to serve me, I'm just allowing

854
01:05:49.480 --> 01:05:54.040
it to be what it's supposed to be and then the rest will push out as a result.

855
01:05:54.040 --> 01:05:57.760
So again, there's no work in any of this transition.

856
01:05:57.760 --> 01:05:58.760
Does all of that make sense?

857
01:05:58.760 --> 01:05:59.760
No, it makes a lot of sense.

858
01:05:59.760 --> 01:06:04.880
I could resonate a lot with what you were saying.

859
01:06:04.880 --> 01:06:11.240
I think my biggest fear in going through this is that I don't necessarily believe that it

860
01:06:11.240 --> 01:06:17.200
works, but I know that what I wasn't doing wasn't working and I have to, I guess, be

861
01:06:17.200 --> 01:06:24.080
okay with the fact that, what was, how was I going to say that?

862
01:06:24.080 --> 01:06:25.080
I didn't know.

863
01:06:25.080 --> 01:06:29.320
I lost what I was going to say.

864
01:06:29.320 --> 01:06:35.280
But realizing that it's okay that I don't think that it's, I don't have proof or evidence

865
01:06:35.280 --> 01:06:40.160
or I have no idea if it's actually going to work, but still moving into it and just focusing

866
01:06:40.160 --> 01:06:49.000
on God and what the characteristics are of God, I don't have anything to lose, but it's

867
01:06:49.000 --> 01:06:50.000
been terrifying.

868
01:06:50.000 --> 01:06:56.680
It honestly has been terrifying, especially being raised so conservative and so charismatic

869
01:06:56.680 --> 01:06:58.680
and all this stuff.

870
01:06:58.680 --> 01:07:05.320
I'm just like, I feel like my parents' worst nightmare right now, but I know it's not true,

871
01:07:05.320 --> 01:07:12.040
but it's like all these feelings are coming up again and I'm just like, what is happening

872
01:07:12.040 --> 01:07:13.040
to me?

873
01:07:14.040 --> 01:07:21.520
So I haven't even told my parents what it is that I can do because I don't believe that

874
01:07:21.520 --> 01:07:24.120
they would receive it well.

875
01:07:24.120 --> 01:07:33.400
I think because I think I would scare them and because they, and if I'd heard someone

876
01:07:33.400 --> 01:07:40.720
talk the way I'm talking, it would have scared me too, but I got desperate.

877
01:07:40.720 --> 01:07:41.720
I got desperate.

878
01:07:41.720 --> 01:07:42.720
It's like, forget it.

879
01:07:42.720 --> 01:07:48.120
This other was, I mean, I live life in an extreme way to get me to this point where

880
01:07:48.120 --> 01:07:54.680
I was willing to toss the whole thing out the window.

881
01:07:54.680 --> 01:07:55.680
And I just choose it.

882
01:07:55.680 --> 01:08:04.200
So I have not even told my parents about how I'm living life, how I'm choosing.

883
01:08:04.200 --> 01:08:10.000
I keep all my topics and all my conversations with them on safe grounds.

884
01:08:10.280 --> 01:08:13.520
In fact, my brother and sister-in-law believe a lot like I do.

885
01:08:13.520 --> 01:08:21.560
I don't know that they fully, in certain ways they do, they pioneered this for me.

886
01:08:21.560 --> 01:08:28.399
I don't believe that they don't operate, the Lord has revealed certain things to me about

887
01:08:28.399 --> 01:08:34.240
rest that I don't believe that they've walked, that they've understood yet.

888
01:08:34.240 --> 01:08:41.040
So in that aspect, I'm pioneering new things, but they pioneered to a certain point and

889
01:08:41.040 --> 01:08:44.319
my family was worried about them.

890
01:08:44.319 --> 01:08:49.760
So the fact that I now believe like that, when I used to worry about them too, the fact

891
01:08:49.760 --> 01:08:57.920
that I now believe like that and believe beyond what they believe, I have not told my parents yet.

892
01:08:58.800 --> 01:09:07.040
And I've been living this, walking in this for, I don't know, for a while now.

893
01:09:07.040 --> 01:09:11.040
So I know, I thought about the same thing, it's like, oh my goodness, my parents knew.

894
01:09:11.040 --> 01:09:15.040
But so it's interesting, you said that you also grew up charismatic?

895
01:09:15.040 --> 01:09:16.040
Okay.

896
01:09:16.040 --> 01:09:17.040
Yeah, I did as well.

897
01:09:17.040 --> 01:09:18.040
I did as well.

898
01:09:18.040 --> 01:09:22.240
So I guess Holy Spirit, you know, speaking in tongues, all of that good stuff.

899
01:09:22.240 --> 01:09:23.240
Oh yeah.

900
01:09:23.240 --> 01:09:24.240
Yeah.

901
01:09:24.240 --> 01:09:25.240
It was so weird.

902
01:09:25.560 --> 01:09:30.439
It was like the weirdest church, but it was like Mennonite slash charismatic slash we

903
01:09:30.439 --> 01:09:34.120
don't have any rules slash if you don't do these rules, then you aren't a Christian slash

904
01:09:34.120 --> 01:09:37.160
like nothing matters, but everything does.

905
01:09:37.160 --> 01:09:43.240
And I was like, when you leave it, you're like, wait, like there's nothing, like what

906
01:09:43.240 --> 01:09:44.240
even was it?

907
01:09:44.240 --> 01:09:47.240
And we were like non-denominational at the same time.

908
01:09:47.240 --> 01:09:51.240
It was like a little bit of everything, I think.

909
01:09:51.240 --> 01:09:56.240
But yeah, it was just, it's been a very interesting journey.

910
01:09:56.240 --> 01:10:00.040
Well, you know, they.

911
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:08.400
People like that. People talk about, oh, well, full grace. And there's no rules. But then when

912
01:10:08.400 --> 01:10:13.360
they actually have to live it out, and when they watch other people around them live it out, it's

913
01:10:13.360 --> 01:10:20.960
scary. Because they realize why the rest of the denominations have rules. Because there's no,

914
01:10:21.760 --> 01:10:30.640
that there's no structure that they're used to in the way that the world views structure.

915
01:10:31.280 --> 01:10:37.760
And so they're like, we've got to add structure. So yeah, there's no rules. But you know, you can't,

916
01:10:37.760 --> 01:10:41.760
you know, and then they start adding in the rules again, because that's what makes them feel safe,

917
01:10:41.760 --> 01:10:49.520
is to have some arbitrary forms of measurements, by which we can all understand,

918
01:10:49.520 --> 01:10:55.840
is the Lord pleased with us? Are we following him? Am I okay? Can I expect to receive blessings?

919
01:10:55.840 --> 01:11:00.320
Can I not expect to receive blessings? That whole reaping and sowing thing, you know,

920
01:11:00.320 --> 01:11:06.800
that you were talking about, which I'll talk about in a greater measure later. But I can,

921
01:11:06.800 --> 01:11:13.360
I can, you know, tell you, just briefly cover it now. And the fact that, you know, reaping and

922
01:11:13.360 --> 01:11:18.240
sowing is a spiritual principle, but there's still work that's applied to it. In other words,

923
01:11:18.800 --> 01:11:26.160
if you, if you sow, well, then you're going to reap, but it brings condemnation. If you don't sow,

924
01:11:27.440 --> 01:11:32.560
then you're going to reap the punishment, the consequence, not having,

925
01:11:33.760 --> 01:11:38.480
not having anything to reap. So the only way that you can expect to receive something,

926
01:11:38.480 --> 01:11:42.240
is if you put something out. And if you didn't put something out, you don't get anything.

927
01:11:43.200 --> 01:11:48.480
So it sounds, it sounds nice for a while, because they're like, oh, I can control the outcome.

928
01:11:49.680 --> 01:11:56.240
I can be in control of the result. All I have to do is know, and then I can expect a result.

929
01:11:56.880 --> 01:12:04.800
But if you don't sow, then now you know why your tile is sick. Now you know why, you know,

930
01:12:05.360 --> 01:12:12.800
you know, why you didn't get the check. Now you know why the client said no, and wouldn't hire

931
01:12:12.800 --> 01:12:21.280
you. I forgot to sow. I forgot to, you know, whatever. I didn't, I didn't sow enough. Or

932
01:12:21.280 --> 01:12:29.600
I sowed 10%, but I didn't sow 12. I did the tithe, but I didn't do the offering. Or I thought I just

933
01:12:29.600 --> 01:12:34.960
skipped tithing this week, so that I could give double tithe next week. But in the meantime,

934
01:12:36.320 --> 01:12:42.480
someone in their family got sick. If you, if we choose to operate according to that principle,

935
01:12:43.360 --> 01:12:51.120
we get stuck in the good and the ugly, you know. That's one of the issues with it,

936
01:12:51.120 --> 01:12:56.560
the fact that it doesn't lead to, it doesn't have a life in it. It's still going to lead to,

937
01:12:57.520 --> 01:13:03.760
it's still, it's still based in works. It's still based in I worked for a wage,

938
01:13:04.880 --> 01:13:11.040
as opposed to I got a gift because of the goodness of God's character. And I've chosen

939
01:13:11.040 --> 01:13:14.640
to operate according to the goodness of God's character. It means that I've given up control,

940
01:13:14.640 --> 01:13:22.160
though. I don't know. I don't know how my business is going to, is going to eventually,

941
01:13:23.120 --> 01:13:27.520
uh, you know, look like. I don't know whether this client is eventually going to,

942
01:13:28.320 --> 01:13:34.240
um, is eventually going to want to work with me. I don't know if, you know, I don't know where my

943
01:13:34.240 --> 01:13:40.320
next clients are coming from. I just, it's just all of them here. But I choose to live like that

944
01:13:40.320 --> 01:13:48.080
because I get to live off of the goodness of who God is, as opposed to the goodness that I am.

945
01:13:48.960 --> 01:13:54.400
And I would rather do that. Then I can look like my father and act like my father and

946
01:13:54.400 --> 01:14:02.960
bear the fruit of like love, joy, peace, et cetera. Just simply by reflect by being,

947
01:14:02.960 --> 01:14:07.440
by basking in how good he is and naturally reflecting that back to him, looking like my

948
01:14:07.440 --> 01:14:14.560
father. In other words, being, uh, repenting based off of seeing God's kindness. Cause the kindness

949
01:14:14.560 --> 01:14:20.000
of God does in the Bible leads to repentance is kindness. And his goodness makes me want to

950
01:14:20.000 --> 01:14:25.760
change as opposed to me trying to work really hard for patients, trying to work really hard

951
01:14:25.760 --> 01:14:32.560
for endurance and wanting God to take me through testing over here in such a way that it builds

952
01:14:32.560 --> 01:14:38.320
endurance and it builds patience and it builds whatever over here. It's I, it naturally comes

953
01:14:38.320 --> 01:14:44.080
out of me because it's my nature testing over here. Cause we get, we go through trials and

954
01:14:44.080 --> 01:14:50.480
tests, but testing over here looks very different than testing over here. Testing when you're here

955
01:14:50.480 --> 01:14:55.920
means that God is proving his character to you. He's taking you through difficult situations,

956
01:14:55.920 --> 01:14:59.840
which is what is going on right now that you haven't chosen.

957
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:05.920
And that's this system, stepping out into it, like, Oh, but here we go.

958
01:15:06.240 --> 01:15:11.320
That's like, okay, I am going to prove myself to you.

959
01:15:11.880 --> 01:15:14.640
He's not asking you to prove yourself to him right now.

960
01:15:15.640 --> 01:15:17.280
He did over here.

961
01:15:17.280 --> 01:15:19.280
That's what's happening over here.

962
01:15:19.720 --> 01:15:23.480
You know, if it's, if it's according to all of these, uh, you know, laws and

963
01:15:23.480 --> 01:15:28.240
rules and Lord, you're requiring these things as me, so, and you want me to be

964
01:15:28.280 --> 01:15:31.080
patient and you want me to endure and you want me to have joy.

965
01:15:31.080 --> 01:15:37.560
So God's going to take us through trials in which it's proving to us in that

966
01:15:37.720 --> 01:15:39.480
we've actually learned something.

967
01:15:39.800 --> 01:15:40.200
Okay.

968
01:15:40.200 --> 01:15:42.040
Well, are you going to pick the right door?

969
01:15:42.640 --> 01:15:44.520
You know, have you done the right thing?

970
01:15:44.640 --> 01:15:46.720
Uh, remember what I've taught you up to this point?

971
01:15:46.720 --> 01:15:48.160
Now let's test it.

972
01:15:49.280 --> 01:15:54.760
That's a very ugly, um, difficult, painful testing process.

973
01:15:55.160 --> 01:15:58.880
This testing process is, uh, is God is very different.

974
01:15:58.880 --> 01:16:00.720
This is God proving himself to us.

975
01:16:00.840 --> 01:16:02.760
This is us proving ourselves to God.

976
01:16:03.760 --> 01:16:06.840
I would, so we, we do go through a testing process of here, but I'd much

977
01:16:06.840 --> 01:16:10.680
rather this testing process where he's like, Hey, I'm going to take you to a

978
01:16:10.680 --> 01:16:14.200
situation so I can prove to you how amazing I am over here.

979
01:16:14.200 --> 01:16:17.560
This is, I'm going to take you through a testing process so that you can, you

980
01:16:17.560 --> 01:16:22.120
can, um, you know, be tested on, um, improving yourself that you've learned

981
01:16:22.120 --> 01:16:23.360
everything you were supposed to learn.

982
01:16:23.440 --> 01:16:26.760
Because from here, you've said you've declared according to your declaration,

983
01:16:26.760 --> 01:16:30.160
Ashley, that it's all based off of your work.

984
01:16:30.720 --> 01:16:32.360
You wanted to work for a wage.

985
01:16:33.320 --> 01:16:33.920
Work for it.

986
01:16:34.480 --> 01:16:35.640
Let's see how good you've done.

987
01:16:35.680 --> 01:16:37.280
I'm going to test you over here.

988
01:16:37.280 --> 01:16:37.560
Okay.

989
01:16:37.560 --> 01:16:39.080
Ashley, you decided not to work.

990
01:16:39.400 --> 01:16:43.200
I'm going to show you how good I am and how I'm going to come through.

991
01:16:43.600 --> 01:16:47.800
So we still go through tests, but who's proving themselves to who?

992
01:16:47.840 --> 01:16:49.360
Very different in each of the two.

993
01:16:50.960 --> 01:16:51.680
That makes sense.

994
01:16:52.160 --> 01:16:56.080
Um, I was wondering too about.

995
01:16:56.840 --> 01:17:03.040
So you may be in the opposite then as far as, um, I mean, I have basically

996
01:17:03.040 --> 01:17:07.360
seen, uh, like my dad specifically, I basically seen his life almost come to

997
01:17:07.360 --> 01:17:13.920
ruin and he's a very strong Christian and he believes in God, but he lived a

998
01:17:13.920 --> 01:17:19.000
life, I mean, he would, you know, he's, he's, he, he would be the first one to

999
01:17:19.000 --> 01:17:24.400
say he lived an awful sinful life after he got saved and we basically, I mean,

1000
01:17:24.400 --> 01:17:28.720
he, his life almost got destroyed over the past couple of years and through it

1001
01:17:28.720 --> 01:17:31.520
all, we just always thought, oh, it was just sowing and reaping like all those

1002
01:17:31.520 --> 01:17:35.400
years you sow and like, and he says it too, like all those years he's sown,

1003
01:17:35.400 --> 01:17:36.720
like he's just reaping for it.

1004
01:17:37.280 --> 01:17:38.680
Is that actually a principle?

1005
01:17:38.680 --> 01:17:42.640
Like, is that actually applicable in that, in that sense?

1006
01:17:43.560 --> 01:17:48.360
Um, now specifically in that sense that I don't know, but yes, it is.

1007
01:17:48.440 --> 01:17:53.240
It is, um, that thing kind of, that kind of thing can happen because according

1008
01:17:53.240 --> 01:17:58.680
to what he's declared, it has the power to manifest like that in his life.

1009
01:17:58.880 --> 01:18:01.920
He declared that that is the principle by which he lived.

1010
01:18:02.160 --> 01:18:04.200
He declared that that's how good God was.

1011
01:18:04.200 --> 01:18:06.000
He declared that that was the character of God.

1012
01:18:06.000 --> 01:18:08.560
So therefore that's how it manifests out in his life.

1013
01:18:08.760 --> 01:18:10.720
He will reap what it is that he sowed.

1014
01:18:11.240 --> 01:18:11.520
Yes.

1015
01:18:11.840 --> 01:18:19.800
Now, the interesting thing is that even if you sow, if you transition, if you

1016
01:18:19.800 --> 01:18:27.520
transition into, um, uh, if you transition into the new phase, the new system,

1017
01:18:28.640 --> 01:18:31.720
you don't always have to reap what you sow.

1018
01:18:32.320 --> 01:18:33.520
And that's what I was wondering.

1019
01:18:33.640 --> 01:18:34.000
Yes.

1020
01:18:34.040 --> 01:18:38.480
So it's safe for instance, that I am, I'm 35, almost 36 years old.

1021
01:18:38.880 --> 01:18:42.600
And so I have reaped a lot of things and I believed according

1022
01:18:42.600 --> 01:18:43.920
to the law of reaping and sowing.

1023
01:18:44.280 --> 01:18:49.160
And I've, I've, I've reaped, I've sowed a lot of things in my life, but now that

1024
01:18:49.160 --> 01:18:53.720
I have transferred over into my new, uh, into my new system, I no longer have

1025
01:18:53.720 --> 01:18:59.360
to reap the things that I sowed because I no longer believe that that's real.

1026
01:18:59.720 --> 01:19:02.640
So it nullifies everything in the past.

1027
01:19:02.680 --> 01:19:08.040
If I declare that that wasn't even real, that wasn't even true.

1028
01:19:08.800 --> 01:19:12.480
But while I'm in that system and I've declared, this is how it is.

1029
01:19:12.680 --> 01:19:15.320
I will sow, I will reap what it is that I've sowed.

1030
01:19:15.840 --> 01:19:16.560
Absolutely.

1031
01:19:16.720 --> 01:19:19.960
But we do have the opportunity to move into something that, where

1032
01:19:19.960 --> 01:19:22.120
we don't always reap what we sow.

1033
01:19:22.600 --> 01:19:27.680
Um, and then of course you do know that there's, that we do still bear

1034
01:19:27.880 --> 01:19:30.560
worldly consequences for worldly actions.

1035
01:19:30.800 --> 01:19:34.880
So say for, I've heard, had this example, um, I heard this example

1036
01:19:35.400 --> 01:19:37.880
where you could go rob a bank.

1037
01:19:38.080 --> 01:19:39.120
You can be a son of God.

1038
01:19:39.160 --> 01:19:44.960
You can go rob a bank and then, and then, and then, you know, remember, wait a minute.

1039
01:19:45.000 --> 01:19:45.560
You know what?

1040
01:19:46.040 --> 01:19:50.320
I'm a son of God and that doesn't change God's love of me.

1041
01:19:50.320 --> 01:19:52.960
It doesn't change his, his value of him.

1042
01:19:53.040 --> 01:19:54.120
It doesn't change my value.

1043
01:19:54.120 --> 01:19:59.560
It doesn't change how he looks at me, but you'll still be in jail because.

1044
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:05.440
going to bear the world the consequences, but you'll be in jail as a son of God. In other words,

1045
01:20:05.440 --> 01:20:10.240
you'll be spiritually free. So it doesn't matter whether or not you're in jail because you're

1046
01:20:10.240 --> 01:20:14.560
spiritually free. Anyway, the slave is just saying about that, you know, in the cotton field,

1047
01:20:14.560 --> 01:20:18.800
they talk about the fact that, you know, physically we're enslaved, but spiritually,

1048
01:20:18.800 --> 01:20:23.520
we're free. And a lot of the plantation owners would notice that they've noticed,

1049
01:20:23.520 --> 01:20:30.240
especially certain slaves in particular, they notice, you know, we feel more enslaved

1050
01:20:30.880 --> 01:20:38.640
than they do, than they look because they've got this internal freedom that nothing can,

1051
01:20:38.640 --> 01:20:42.880
that no amount of beating on the outside can steal from them. Same thing with Jesus.

1052
01:20:42.880 --> 01:20:47.120
Jesus never lost his freedom and he was beaten and he was taken, you know, put on the cross and

1053
01:20:47.120 --> 01:20:55.920
all that. It's a very, the freedom that we are attaining to that, the freedom that we have,

1054
01:20:55.920 --> 01:21:02.000
and that is our nature and our inheritance and our right as sons of God is spiritual. And that

1055
01:21:02.000 --> 01:21:09.120
spiritual is a higher authority and power than the physical. But there are things in the physical

1056
01:21:09.120 --> 01:21:17.440
that I'll still, I'll still operate a particular way. They can be overcome. Absolutely. So say,

1057
01:21:17.440 --> 01:21:22.880
for instance, that, I mean, you know, we have those miracles, miracles, you know, you put,

1058
01:21:23.520 --> 01:21:28.240
like for instance, Paul, for instance, was put in prison. Well, that was, that's kind of a weird,

1059
01:21:28.240 --> 01:21:32.000
that's kind of a weird situation, but I mean, not a weird situation, kind of a different situation

1060
01:21:32.000 --> 01:21:38.160
because he didn't, he didn't like sin against. How do I put it? Okay. Remember when Paul was

1061
01:21:38.160 --> 01:21:45.120
put in jail? I think it was put in jail with Bartimus and I was put in jail and because it

1062
01:21:45.120 --> 01:21:51.520
was against what it is that they had done was against the law. So they'd been preaching or I

1063
01:21:51.520 --> 01:21:57.040
don't remember what they've been doing. Anyway, they were put in jail and, but, but God sent an

1064
01:21:57.040 --> 01:22:02.880
angel and opened up the gates for them and they just walked out. So even though they were bearing

1065
01:22:02.880 --> 01:22:07.920
the consequences, worldly consequences, God decided, yeah, but I'm just going to override

1066
01:22:07.920 --> 01:22:12.880
those because there are other times, but Paul was still put in there. Paul was still beaten.

1067
01:22:12.880 --> 01:22:18.240
Paul was still whatever, because there are not worldly consequences for his actions is that he

1068
01:22:18.240 --> 01:22:29.440
was doing something wrong and immoral. But remember that with God, that his standards, that his,

1069
01:22:30.240 --> 01:22:38.480
his, the value that he places on it is, is, has no bearing on what it is we do

1070
01:22:39.120 --> 01:22:45.760
in the world, but certain actions in the world have, you know, will adhere to or,

1071
01:22:46.480 --> 01:22:52.640
and, or not to worldly laws. And so you still have to kind of sometimes walk those out.

1072
01:22:53.200 --> 01:22:59.760
But anyway, you might go to trial for murder, even though, you know, God said, Hey, I've totally

1073
01:22:59.760 --> 01:23:05.840
forgiven you. In fact, you can go, you know, judge all of those, you know, tell other murderers in

1074
01:23:05.840 --> 01:23:09.760
prison that they shouldn't have done that. And they shouldn't do this or whatever. If you got

1075
01:23:09.760 --> 01:23:15.920
there in the first place for like that, you know, I just wanted to admit that. But yes, it is a

1076
01:23:15.920 --> 01:23:21.040
principle that everything's according to what we declare. That's so fascinating. See, that's

1077
01:23:21.040 --> 01:23:27.280
something I totally don't understand at all yet. Like, I don't understand that at all. And I mean,

1078
01:23:27.280 --> 01:23:34.240
that's okay. I mean, I'll eventually maybe understand. That's why I was afraid of saying

1079
01:23:34.240 --> 01:23:39.600
something that I thought I keep putting her off. Like, yes, it needs bigger context. I just thought

1080
01:23:39.600 --> 01:23:45.360
just give her something. No, I didn't know. I was bigger. It's not like I don't believe it at all.

1081
01:23:45.360 --> 01:23:49.040
It's just that I don't. And I've never been taught. I mean, I never have been taught that or

1082
01:23:49.040 --> 01:23:54.080
at all. It's an unfamiliar concept to me. That's all it is. It's not that I think it's wrong, or

1083
01:23:54.080 --> 01:23:59.840
like, you know, I think you're manifesting weird things. It's not that. It's just an unfamiliar

1084
01:23:59.840 --> 01:24:06.880
concept to me and my mind. Okay, yeah. Well, I'll provide more context for it later. I'm going to

1085
01:24:06.880 --> 01:24:11.920
be talking about, you know, the truth and knowledge of good and evil and hopefully more, more detail

1086
01:24:11.920 --> 01:24:18.640
than I did in a leadership meeting. And then there's another layer after that. I think that

1087
01:24:18.640 --> 01:24:23.360
that's how I've decided the order that I decided to do it in. Then there's another layer in which

1088
01:24:23.360 --> 01:24:28.800
I'm going to start talking very specifically about spirit, soul, and body and how to know which realm

1089
01:24:28.800 --> 01:24:36.400
we're operating in and how it talks in the Bible about how we can be a Christian and operate

1090
01:24:36.400 --> 01:24:41.760
according to the spirit, according to the soul, or according to the body. And that some Christians

1091
01:24:41.760 --> 01:24:45.920
operate according to the body. Others do it by being driven by their soul. But then God wants

1092
01:24:45.920 --> 01:24:52.000
us to be driven completely by our spirit. And then, and then sowing and reaping comes into that

1093
01:24:52.800 --> 01:24:58.160
is more clear when I after I described that foundation, then when I start describing

1094
01:24:58.160 --> 01:24:59.840
sowing and reaping, and I added into that

1095
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:02.800
Context is like, oh, that's what you're trying to make sense. Yeah.

1096
01:25:03.840 --> 01:25:07.360
I just wanted to give you something. Cause I thought I could keep pushing

1097
01:25:09.760 --> 01:25:12.520
a bigger subject. And I don't know that it's going to make sense.

1098
01:25:14.680 --> 01:25:15.960
I totally get it. Yeah.

1099
01:25:17.800 --> 01:25:22.400
Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, this helps a lot. Um, I just keep like during the day,

1100
01:25:22.400 --> 01:25:23.000
like honestly,

1101
01:25:23.000 --> 01:25:25.840
some days are so overwhelming with all of the things that keep coming up,

1102
01:25:25.840 --> 01:25:28.200
like emotions and feelings and things I haven't worked with.

1103
01:25:28.960 --> 01:25:33.320
And I just, I just keep telling myself like, it's okay. Like I can just stop.

1104
01:25:33.320 --> 01:25:36.960
Like, I guess me, can I, that was another question I had.

1105
01:25:36.960 --> 01:25:41.560
Can I enter into rest to the point of irresponsibility?

1106
01:25:42.040 --> 01:25:43.080
Does that make sense? Like,

1107
01:25:43.080 --> 01:25:47.720
I feel like there's so much stuff inside of me

1108
01:25:48.080 --> 01:25:49.160
that's coming out.

1109
01:25:50.280 --> 01:25:53.720
Can I just let it come out and not worry about it? Or do I have to like,

1110
01:25:54.720 --> 01:25:58.040
do I have to do something or somehow like that?

1111
01:25:58.040 --> 01:26:00.600
It actually comes out of me. Does that make sense?

1112
01:26:01.120 --> 01:26:04.160
But I was just thinking like, for me,

1113
01:26:04.360 --> 01:26:09.000
what I feel like doing is just letting it come out of me and then

1114
01:26:09.240 --> 01:26:11.640
just not even worrying about it and being like, well,

1115
01:26:12.520 --> 01:26:14.840
if I know that my spirit is where it's supposed to,

1116
01:26:14.840 --> 01:26:17.880
my soul is just going to do its own thing. And who really cares?

1117
01:26:18.240 --> 01:26:22.800
But am I entering into the point of rest to the point of like negligence or

1118
01:26:22.840 --> 01:26:24.480
like, you know,

1119
01:26:24.480 --> 01:26:29.000
like when a depressed person just wants to go and sleep all the time to avoid

1120
01:26:29.000 --> 01:26:31.680
life? Does that make sense? Like where I am,

1121
01:26:32.040 --> 01:26:36.240
where I am neglecting something I should be taking care of or doing.

1122
01:26:37.160 --> 01:26:41.200
Okay. Yes. Does it make sense? Yes, it does. Okay.

1123
01:26:41.320 --> 01:26:45.280
No, it's actually a bit of both. Yes,

1124
01:26:45.280 --> 01:26:48.720
you can because it's part of the process,

1125
01:26:49.240 --> 01:26:50.720
but you want to watch it,

1126
01:26:50.760 --> 01:26:54.320
that you don't go so extreme to the point that you hurt yourself.

1127
01:26:55.280 --> 01:26:56.200
Does that make sense?

1128
01:26:56.360 --> 01:27:01.200
Where you actually start manifesting destruction in yours or

1129
01:27:01.200 --> 01:27:02.280
someone else's life.

1130
01:27:02.480 --> 01:27:06.720
Say for instance that you're having an issue with a relationship and you're

1131
01:27:06.720 --> 01:27:09.760
trying to like a toxic relationship that you're dealing with. And, um,

1132
01:27:09.800 --> 01:27:11.760
and of course you do know that I'm bringing up this subject.

1133
01:27:13.840 --> 01:27:18.120
So it's like, okay, so how do I handle this? How do I handle this? And, um,

1134
01:27:18.120 --> 01:27:20.880
one, so sometimes we'll, again,

1135
01:27:20.880 --> 01:27:25.880
it's important to acknowledge a particular feeling that comes up and if we can

1136
01:27:25.960 --> 01:27:29.280
name it, name it, don't, don't, uh, you know, if we,

1137
01:27:29.320 --> 01:27:31.720
we don't have to like try to name something,

1138
01:27:32.040 --> 01:27:36.720
but if what we want to be careful of is that we already know the name of it,

1139
01:27:36.720 --> 01:27:38.800
but we won't let ourselves see it or talk about it.

1140
01:27:40.200 --> 01:27:42.360
It was important to, if you know what it is,

1141
01:27:43.000 --> 01:27:44.480
acknowledge it to yourself and there you go.

1142
01:27:45.160 --> 01:27:49.880
And, but it's important that just because that,

1143
01:27:50.240 --> 01:27:53.920
uh, like maybe before you wouldn't ever say something to somebody else because

1144
01:27:53.920 --> 01:27:56.280
they're like pushing their buttons and they're doing all this stuff and you

1145
01:27:56.280 --> 01:27:59.520
didn't want to attack them back and you're like stifling, stifling, stifling it.

1146
01:27:59.520 --> 01:28:01.640
And you're being very, very, very, very, very, very nice.

1147
01:28:03.160 --> 01:28:05.440
Well, there's like this middle ground to make,

1148
01:28:06.160 --> 01:28:11.160
do what you need to do to not create destruction,

1149
01:28:12.080 --> 01:28:15.480
to say not to destroy someone else, not to hurt.

1150
01:28:15.920 --> 01:28:19.400
That's not a character of the Lord, but at the same time,

1151
01:28:19.400 --> 01:28:22.880
there's an element in which you need to allow yourself, uh,

1152
01:28:22.920 --> 01:28:27.000
internally where it's not destroying to them or to destructive to yourself as

1153
01:28:27.000 --> 01:28:27.840
well,

1154
01:28:27.840 --> 01:28:32.640
to feel a particular feeling in order to acknowledge it and let it go.

1155
01:28:33.480 --> 01:28:36.760
In other words, so far, so far it has, so far,

1156
01:28:36.760 --> 01:28:39.840
it's just been specifically me. Like so far,

1157
01:28:39.880 --> 01:28:44.520
it hasn't been like feelings or, or situations with other people.

1158
01:28:45.080 --> 01:28:49.760
I can't think of anything really. It's mostly just all things, feelings, uh,

1159
01:28:50.400 --> 01:28:53.480
circumstances, experiences, life experiences,

1160
01:28:53.480 --> 01:28:58.480
years of feeling abandoned by God and family problems and like parent problems.

1161
01:28:59.160 --> 01:29:01.880
It's all personal coming out.

1162
01:29:02.160 --> 01:29:07.000
It's not like husband, sister, family, friend dynamics.

1163
01:29:07.120 --> 01:29:08.920
Okay. I don't know if that's helpful or not.

1164
01:29:09.320 --> 01:29:12.680
No, it does. At least it's not yet. I don't know. I don't know if that's coming.

1165
01:29:12.680 --> 01:29:15.880
I don't know, but it hasn't, it hasn't been that way for me at all yet.

1166
01:29:16.360 --> 01:29:19.360
Okay, good. So what do you feel like you're on the verge?

1167
01:29:19.360 --> 01:29:21.720
So I can just have something more specific to speak to.

1168
01:29:21.760 --> 01:29:25.280
What do you feel like you're on the verge of irresponsibility related to like,

1169
01:29:25.280 --> 01:29:26.120
in other words, like,

1170
01:29:26.400 --> 01:29:30.240
this is what I'd like to do is that irresponsible for me to do.

1171
01:29:30.280 --> 01:29:31.520
Can you give me an example?

1172
01:29:32.160 --> 01:29:34.920
Um, well, I would say specifically,

1173
01:29:34.920 --> 01:29:37.240
I don't even know if this is like the right answer or not,

1174
01:29:37.280 --> 01:29:41.280
but this is just what comes to mind. I was specifically all the years,

1175
01:29:41.600 --> 01:29:45.720
like, oh man, up until this point, it's such a long story,

1176
01:29:45.720 --> 01:29:47.120
but my whole life has,

1177
01:29:47.280 --> 01:29:50.560
it's just been oppression after oppression and suppressing and,

1178
01:29:51.240 --> 01:29:56.240
and being so angry with God and questioning his goodness and avoiding the wrath

1179
01:29:56.920 --> 01:30:00.040
of God and all these things. And like,

1180
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:04.200
things with my dad, like living at home, there was so much malfunction.

1181
01:30:04.800 --> 01:30:10.400
And then getting married and like our first year marriage was absolute horror.

1182
01:30:10.400 --> 01:30:11.340
I mean, it was horrific.

1183
01:30:11.340 --> 01:30:12.440
We were separated.

1184
01:30:12.720 --> 01:30:17.480
We had a baby and it was, it was like one thing after another, like

1185
01:30:17.520 --> 01:30:21.360
that was just too much early.

1186
01:30:21.960 --> 01:30:25.960
And then all of a sudden now it's like all that stuff is coming out of me.

1187
01:30:26.320 --> 01:30:29.160
And I'm like, well, do I have to like go reconcile?

1188
01:30:29.160 --> 01:30:33.160
Like, do I have to like write a letter to my dad?

1189
01:30:33.160 --> 01:30:39.900
Or do I have to like, do I have to do something like, um, there's been so

1190
01:30:39.900 --> 01:30:44.360
many experiences, especially like experiences with anger, like dad, you

1191
01:30:44.360 --> 01:30:48.360
know, being super angry, borderline abusive and alcohol and so much stuff.

1192
01:30:48.360 --> 01:30:50.880
And I'm like, all this trauma is coming out of me.

1193
01:30:52.040 --> 01:30:55.720
If it just comes out, I guess I don't have to like go do anything or like

1194
01:30:55.720 --> 01:30:59.040
reconcile or like go, I don't know.

1195
01:30:59.160 --> 01:31:02.200
Like I've never, I've never let it out of me before.

1196
01:31:02.800 --> 01:31:06.080
And so now that it's actually coming up, it's like, I don't know.

1197
01:31:07.080 --> 01:31:09.240
I don't know how to handle it basically.

1198
01:31:10.480 --> 01:31:10.840
Yeah.

1199
01:31:11.120 --> 01:31:13.440
So what's the irresponsibility part though?

1200
01:31:14.160 --> 01:31:15.320
Like you're like, that's what I don't know.

1201
01:31:16.360 --> 01:31:17.040
Oh, okay.

1202
01:31:17.160 --> 01:31:17.480
Yeah.

1203
01:31:17.480 --> 01:31:19.000
I mean, I don't know.

1204
01:31:19.000 --> 01:31:22.560
Like, I just feel like, you know, counseling, you have like homework

1205
01:31:22.560 --> 01:31:23.920
and like weird stuff to do.

1206
01:31:23.920 --> 01:31:24.480
I don't know.

1207
01:31:24.480 --> 01:31:27.040
Like I'm just here, like not doing anything.

1208
01:31:27.560 --> 01:31:27.880
No.

1209
01:31:27.960 --> 01:31:28.400
Yeah.

1210
01:31:28.640 --> 01:31:30.120
That's what I was saying.

1211
01:31:30.920 --> 01:31:35.640
Um, the past couple of nights, two, three nights, whenever that was,

1212
01:31:36.080 --> 01:31:38.760
um, that you just, you just let go.

1213
01:31:39.440 --> 01:31:40.440
You acknowledge it.

1214
01:31:40.480 --> 01:31:43.440
You go through this process where you're just, again, if you need

1215
01:31:43.440 --> 01:31:44.760
to counter it with logic, great.

1216
01:31:44.840 --> 01:31:47.920
Otherwise you're just like, okay, this is the way it is.

1217
01:31:48.120 --> 01:31:50.200
And you just stop focusing on it.

1218
01:31:50.200 --> 01:31:51.640
You don't battle it.

1219
01:31:51.840 --> 01:31:53.720
You don't try to reconcile it.

1220
01:31:54.160 --> 01:31:56.200
You don't try to understand it.

1221
01:31:56.760 --> 01:32:01.800
You don't try to, um, how, what are some other things that we try to do with it?

1222
01:32:01.800 --> 01:32:03.520
Reconcile it, understand it.

1223
01:32:03.520 --> 01:32:06.120
You know, like we'll try to like Google it and like, okay, well,

1224
01:32:06.760 --> 01:32:08.840
well, you know, what, what really happened?

1225
01:32:08.840 --> 01:32:10.040
What was my trauma?

1226
01:32:10.040 --> 01:32:14.520
You know, I just, I'm just, and some, and another thing for me is like

1227
01:32:14.520 --> 01:32:20.240
specifically changing my actions to, to, uh, result in a different outcome.

1228
01:32:20.680 --> 01:32:23.520
Like, especially like when we were having marriage problems, it was like, okay,

1229
01:32:23.520 --> 01:32:26.320
well, everything's fine now, but I'm going to act in a certain way.

1230
01:32:26.320 --> 01:32:29.400
I'm going to act differently to avoid the problems happening again.

1231
01:32:30.120 --> 01:32:31.160
Uh, does that make sense?

1232
01:32:31.160 --> 01:32:34.160
So even like with this thing, especially like emotionally, like

1233
01:32:34.160 --> 01:32:38.080
trying to work through everything with like my childhood and stuff, it's

1234
01:32:38.080 --> 01:32:46.360
like part of me wants to, part of me doesn't know how to not play that part

1235
01:32:46.360 --> 01:32:52.120
anymore, like part of me doesn't know how to be myself without acting according

1236
01:32:52.160 --> 01:32:57.120
to trying to protect myself from XYZ.

1237
01:32:58.000 --> 01:32:59.720
I don't even know if this is all making sense.

1238
01:32:59.840 --> 01:33:00.600
No, it is.

1239
01:33:00.640 --> 01:33:01.160
No, it is.

1240
01:33:01.160 --> 01:33:04.520
I just, um, yeah, we just all hear things differently.

1241
01:33:04.520 --> 01:33:07.320
So I'm like, I need to make sure that I understand the perspective.

1242
01:33:07.680 --> 01:33:09.400
Well, and honestly, I'm not used to explaining.

1243
01:33:09.400 --> 01:33:11.400
I'm not, I'm not used to talking about it.

1244
01:33:11.400 --> 01:33:14.560
I mean, expressing my emotions or talking about this stuff is like a

1245
01:33:14.560 --> 01:33:16.040
muscle I haven't used for years.

1246
01:33:16.080 --> 01:33:18.440
So it doesn't, it doesn't come easily.

1247
01:33:18.960 --> 01:33:20.200
Actually, I think you're doing great.

1248
01:33:20.200 --> 01:33:22.360
I've actually been loving how you've been expressing it.

1249
01:33:22.360 --> 01:33:24.600
I just want to make sure before I answer a question, I'm like,

1250
01:33:24.880 --> 01:33:25.760
I didn't know what she's named.

1251
01:33:26.960 --> 01:33:29.720
Otherwise I'll answer a question and be like, that was not helpful.

1252
01:33:32.280 --> 01:33:33.280
Um, okay.

1253
01:33:33.280 --> 01:33:33.840
So, yes.

1254
01:33:33.880 --> 01:33:40.400
So you, uh, you do not need to, this is what I personally would, would

1255
01:33:40.400 --> 01:33:44.280
recommend if there is something that is on your conscience, because

1256
01:33:44.560 --> 01:33:46.240
that is where your faith is at.

1257
01:33:46.640 --> 01:33:50.840
And you feel like I really need to do this in order to finally have peace.

1258
01:33:51.320 --> 01:34:00.920
Then, then you, you can do the thing, but if you can possibly just allow

1259
01:34:00.920 --> 01:34:09.360
yourself to rest in peace by ignoring it for a while, meaning like not

1260
01:34:09.360 --> 01:34:13.560
facing it, not, not facing it, not trying to reconcile it, not trying to

1261
01:34:13.600 --> 01:34:19.160
understand it, not trying to figure it out, not trying to somehow make an action

1262
01:34:19.160 --> 01:34:21.320
to it, yeah, not put an action.

1263
01:34:21.320 --> 01:34:21.760
Exactly.

1264
01:34:21.760 --> 01:34:22.120
Thank you.

1265
01:34:22.480 --> 01:34:24.320
Not put an action to it.

1266
01:34:24.800 --> 01:34:31.240
Um, then, then don't, if you, if you can, that is, and the reason why I say that

1267
01:34:31.240 --> 01:34:38.040
is, again, I have no, there's other ways to tackle it, to tackle this, but it try

1268
01:34:38.040 --> 01:34:42.400
this for the areas that you feel that you can, you're going to find certain areas

1269
01:34:42.440 --> 01:34:44.520
where it's just like, oh, that's just too hard.

1270
01:34:45.000 --> 01:34:50.280
Um, I really do need to, um, uh, I feel like I would be creating more, my pieces,

1271
01:34:50.320 --> 01:34:53.720
my pieces at the place where I feel like I'd be creating more destruction.

1272
01:34:53.960 --> 01:34:56.600
If I didn't do next, well then do it.

1273
01:34:56.600 --> 01:35:00.000
If that's where your piece is at, do it, you know, and move on.

1274
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:04.240
A lot of things you're trying to tackle, don't try to tackle them all at once by fighting against

1275
01:35:04.240 --> 01:35:07.680
your own conscience and by fighting against wherever it is your piece is at, thinking

1276
01:35:07.680 --> 01:35:12.960
somehow you should be doing something different. That then creates additional stress. Don't do it.

1277
01:35:12.960 --> 01:35:19.120
Figure out where your piece is at in different places. If your piece, if you feel that in a

1278
01:35:19.120 --> 01:35:24.160
particular area that you're going through, that your piece is set where you're like,

1279
01:35:24.720 --> 01:35:32.160
I can actually allow myself to not try to reconcile this, to not try to understand it,

1280
01:35:32.160 --> 01:35:38.880
to not try to drum it up and go through all of the ins and outs and make sense of it,

1281
01:35:39.920 --> 01:35:48.480
then try to not do it. I would say that is where the majority, I haven't had peace about doing

1282
01:35:48.480 --> 01:35:54.800
anything, but it seems so contrary. It's like all these things, it's like, and I'm not supposed to

1283
01:35:54.800 --> 01:35:58.720
do anything. It's like when you see an explosion going off to the side and you're like, no,

1284
01:35:58.720 --> 01:36:03.840
don't move. Don't go report it. It's fine. It'll take care of itself. That's how I feel. I feel

1285
01:36:03.840 --> 01:36:09.120
like there's explosions happening inside of me and I'm just like, okay, I'll just wait here.

1286
01:36:12.080 --> 01:36:17.200
It's comforting though to hear if I do have peace about not doing anything, it's okay,

1287
01:36:17.200 --> 01:36:22.000
because honestly I have, and that's what's concerned me because I'm like, good. There's

1288
01:36:22.000 --> 01:36:27.280
so much stuff happening that I'm like, how can I not do anything? It's very counter,

1289
01:36:28.480 --> 01:36:34.800
not intuitive, but counter what I've been taught. Correct. Yes. Okay. So now I see why you use the

1290
01:36:34.800 --> 01:36:39.600
word irresponsible with it. Yes, it does. It sounds very irresponsible. It sounds very un-Christian,

1291
01:36:39.600 --> 01:36:43.840
sounds very ungodly. It sounds like we're going to incur the wrath of God if we don't.

1292
01:36:43.840 --> 01:36:49.120
So what you do is you claim that God is good enough, that he's going to love you and he's

1293
01:36:49.120 --> 01:36:56.080
going to give you good gifts and he is going to heal you all of those internal healing without

1294
01:36:56.080 --> 01:37:02.000
you having to do anything, without you even being aware of how much you're hurt or being aware of

1295
01:37:02.000 --> 01:37:06.160
in which situation at which areas that you're hurt. There might be areas that you've been

1296
01:37:06.160 --> 01:37:09.600
hurt in particular areas that you haven't acknowledged to yourself or even aware that

1297
01:37:09.600 --> 01:37:15.120
you were hurt in. God can come in without you even knowing those areas even exist and he can

1298
01:37:15.120 --> 01:37:20.320
heal them. And the way that he do that is you just constantly, instead of focusing all of these

1299
01:37:20.320 --> 01:37:26.560
things and trying to reconcile this past in your life, what areas you can let go of. I mean, just

1300
01:37:26.560 --> 01:37:31.200
like not do anything, not put any action to them. I love how you phrased that. I'm probably going to

1301
01:37:31.200 --> 01:37:39.680
use that. Not putting any action to them. And even like mental action, effort, energy, focus,

1302
01:37:39.680 --> 01:37:46.400
anything, any kind of action. And you just decide, okay, I'm going to choose that God is so big and

1303
01:37:46.400 --> 01:37:54.640
he's so good. And he is so much love that it overpowers overwhelms and completely takes over,

1304
01:37:54.640 --> 01:38:01.040
takes over my life. I don't have to work and he gives me money. I don't have to be nice to people

1305
01:38:01.040 --> 01:38:06.560
and they love me anyway. I don't have to be nice to God and he loves me anyway. Just filling your

1306
01:38:06.560 --> 01:38:16.400
mind with those choosing that that's your reality. And then that's what I'm talking about.

1307
01:38:16.400 --> 01:38:22.400
Then the Lord will reveal himself because what it's doing is it's getting rid of all of this

1308
01:38:22.400 --> 01:38:27.760
other stuff that tried to reconcile, tried to understand whatever that's resistance. We have to

1309
01:38:27.760 --> 01:38:36.160
release. So once we stop trying to reconcile and understand, and we just stop, that's releasing.

1310
01:38:36.160 --> 01:38:40.080
We're stopping whatever it is we're doing. That's releasing. And whenever we release, remember that

1311
01:38:40.080 --> 01:38:45.440
spiritual principles that God put into place will naturally start taking effect. And those things

1312
01:38:45.440 --> 01:38:49.760
that we were hanging onto, they'll naturally float away. And then the things that God has already

1313
01:38:49.760 --> 01:38:54.560
sent because he's a good father. So long time ago when you asked for it, not yesterday, but years

1314
01:38:54.560 --> 01:39:00.320
ago when you asked for it, he already sent it. And the only thing you're waiting on

1315
01:39:00.320 --> 01:39:06.960
is you being free enough of resistance to now finally be able to receive it. So you will effortlessly

1316
01:39:06.960 --> 01:39:17.200
receive it. You will effortlessly be filled and be healed. And God's spirit will reveal to you

1317
01:39:18.000 --> 01:39:24.160
that everything that you're stepping into is actually true. Before you had to choose that

1318
01:39:24.160 --> 01:39:29.840
it was your reality. And it will become your reality where you actually believe it. And you

1319
01:39:29.840 --> 01:39:35.200
see it everywhere you look in scripture. You see it everywhere that you look in your

1320
01:39:35.200 --> 01:39:41.040
life and in other people's lives. And it becomes so obvious because God himself finally has place in

1321
01:39:41.040 --> 01:39:51.200
your life to shine light and to reveal it to you. As opposed to, that's faith. Faith is stepping out

1322
01:39:51.200 --> 01:39:57.280
when we're not really sure about how the whole thing is going to pan out. And God likes that.

1323
01:39:57.280 --> 01:39:59.680
He constantly talks about us having faith. So

1324
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:06.880
When we have the faith, then God will come in and prove it, as opposed to standing back

1325
01:40:06.880 --> 01:40:09.480
and waiting for God to prove it before we believe it.

1326
01:40:09.480 --> 01:40:10.480
That's not faith.

1327
01:40:10.480 --> 01:40:15.000
God works like that sometimes, but he works like that mainly when we're very spiritually

1328
01:40:15.000 --> 01:40:16.360
immature.

1329
01:40:16.360 --> 01:40:21.040
So what he does with the more spiritually mature is he's like, he wants us to step

1330
01:40:21.040 --> 01:40:25.360
out in faith, which means that we choose that something is true because God said that it

1331
01:40:25.360 --> 01:40:26.360
was.

1332
01:40:26.360 --> 01:40:29.920
And even though we don't believe it, and even though we don't feel that it's true, we're

1333
01:40:29.920 --> 01:40:32.240
going to choose it anyway.

1334
01:40:32.240 --> 01:40:35.320
We're going to choose that we believe it instead of trying to believe it, we're going to choose

1335
01:40:35.320 --> 01:40:36.320
that we believe it.

1336
01:40:36.320 --> 01:40:40.420
And then he's going to come in and then he's going to prove it because we accepted him

1337
01:40:40.420 --> 01:40:41.420
first.

1338
01:40:41.420 --> 01:40:44.840
Then he's going to prove it as opposed to us holding him accountable.

1339
01:40:44.840 --> 01:40:48.120
I'm not going to do anything until you prove it, then I'll, then I'll choose you.

1340
01:40:48.120 --> 01:40:50.840
And God's like, no, I want you to do it the other way around.

1341
01:40:50.840 --> 01:40:51.840
Choose me first.

1342
01:40:51.840 --> 01:40:52.840
Then I'll prove it.

1343
01:40:52.840 --> 01:40:54.880
So he, and he'll do that and he'll prove that it's true.

1344
01:40:55.400 --> 01:41:01.400
And then you will come to believe it and it will heal you naturally from all of those

1345
01:41:01.400 --> 01:41:03.440
traumas, all of those things.

1346
01:41:03.440 --> 01:41:08.160
And then you can start taking action because then you're in a healthier position from which

1347
01:41:08.160 --> 01:41:10.040
to make a decision.

1348
01:41:10.040 --> 01:41:14.680
Remember I was talking about the fact that you can't be yesterday or the day before I

1349
01:41:14.680 --> 01:41:20.120
was talking about, um, you know, that we can be in a very unhealthy, I think it was last

1350
01:41:20.120 --> 01:41:21.120
time.

1351
01:41:21.120 --> 01:41:27.920
Uh, that if we don't, um, if, oh yeah, if we're stressed or anxious about something,

1352
01:41:27.920 --> 01:41:34.560
then, oh, if we're shamed, yes, if I was like, where was it, what was it that I had said?

1353
01:41:34.560 --> 01:41:41.640
Um, and, uh, sorry, I have a lot, so many things going on, I guess, shame or condemnation

1354
01:41:41.640 --> 01:41:50.680
when we were filled with shame or contemnation, then we have, and we've done something wrong.

1355
01:41:50.680 --> 01:41:55.440
Then we have to make sure first that before we deal with the thing that we've done, and

1356
01:41:55.440 --> 01:41:58.240
I don't want to say we've done something wrong, but like there's this thing that we think

1357
01:41:58.240 --> 01:41:59.240
we've done wrong.

1358
01:41:59.240 --> 01:42:03.240
There's this thing that we think is wrong, that God's, God's not happy or it's not the

1359
01:42:03.240 --> 01:42:08.320
one that he would want us to do or whatever, however we want to label that we have to do

1360
01:42:08.320 --> 01:42:11.920
before we figure out, even if it has to do with somebody else in our, in our relationship

1361
01:42:11.920 --> 01:42:12.920
with someone else.

1362
01:42:12.920 --> 01:42:17.960
And we need even maybe it, maybe it's at the Lord that we would go make and restitution

1363
01:42:17.960 --> 01:42:21.600
and we would go bring reconciliation, all that the very first thing before we even deal

1364
01:42:21.600 --> 01:42:24.200
with that, even though it's somebody else that's involved.

1365
01:42:24.200 --> 01:42:28.600
The first thing that we need to deal with is the fact that we feel shame and condemnation,

1366
01:42:28.600 --> 01:42:36.360
because if we try to deal with that relationship and try to bring reconciliation to that relationship,

1367
01:42:36.360 --> 01:42:39.440
even if we're not talking about a relationship, even if we're talking about your, your like

1368
01:42:39.440 --> 01:42:42.720
internal healing, you know, if you're talking about like, I've got this trauma out here

1369
01:42:42.720 --> 01:42:47.240
or whatever, before we try to deal with this thing before we try to know if, okay, well,

1370
01:42:47.240 --> 01:42:51.280
how should I be handling this relationship now?

1371
01:42:51.280 --> 01:42:56.000
Should I be writing a letter to my dad before we deal that we've got to deal with that.

1372
01:42:56.000 --> 01:43:00.440
We've got to deal with this other, because if we deal with that from a place of shame

1373
01:43:00.440 --> 01:43:06.400
or condemnation that, that we haven't dealt with, or from without healing, you know, in

1374
01:43:06.400 --> 01:43:08.560
your case, we're talking about like healing.

1375
01:43:08.560 --> 01:43:17.480
We can't make a healthy decision over of how to properly in a godly way out of God's spirit,

1376
01:43:17.480 --> 01:43:23.320
bring reconciliation and restitution according to the character and nature of God himself.

1377
01:43:23.320 --> 01:43:27.920
We know all the right things to do and say, but there's a reason why we haven't done them

1378
01:43:27.920 --> 01:43:28.920
yet.

1379
01:43:28.920 --> 01:43:29.920
We know all of that.

1380
01:43:29.920 --> 01:43:31.480
We don't need to do that anymore.

1381
01:43:31.480 --> 01:43:35.120
What is it that, who is the, what is the nature of God?

1382
01:43:35.120 --> 01:43:40.400
How does he desire to show us to show love in all of that?

1383
01:43:40.400 --> 01:43:44.880
We're learning a different way to bring, of how to bring reconciliation to a relationship.

1384
01:43:44.880 --> 01:43:48.120
We're learning a different way of how we can heal an inner trauma.

1385
01:43:48.120 --> 01:43:54.960
We're learning a different one, but how can we do it differently unless the source that

1386
01:43:54.960 --> 01:43:59.520
is making that decision is now healthy and different.

1387
01:43:59.520 --> 01:44:05.880
So that's what you want to deal with first is, is you want to, before trying to reconcile

1388
01:44:05.880 --> 01:44:10.000
or wonder how do I deal with the past or is there any restitution that I need to make

1389
01:44:10.000 --> 01:44:14.920
to somebody else, come from a healthy place first.

1390
01:44:14.920 --> 01:44:21.480
Otherwise it's just exacerbating the problem because you could have done this last year

1391
01:44:21.640 --> 01:44:25.880
and this year you're going to do it from the exact same position maybe than you would have

1392
01:44:25.880 --> 01:44:26.880
last year.

1393
01:44:26.880 --> 01:44:32.440
And, and you know, it's, it's still with that old model and that old mindset and it's not

1394
01:44:32.440 --> 01:44:35.880
actually part, you're not healed yet.

1395
01:44:35.880 --> 01:44:40.840
So again, though, if you're feeling that that's where your peace is at, that's what you need

1396
01:44:40.840 --> 01:44:41.840
to do.

1397
01:44:41.840 --> 01:44:46.760
It's actually, it might cause you greater destruction to not follow where your peace

1398
01:44:46.760 --> 01:44:47.760
is at.

1399
01:44:47.760 --> 01:44:51.480
Even if you're not waiting for yourself to be healed in that area.

1400
01:44:51.480 --> 01:44:56.240
So again, I'm just talking about for the place where your peace is at, not doing something,

1401
01:44:56.240 --> 01:44:58.720
this is one of the benefits of waiting.

1402
01:44:58.720 --> 01:45:00.000
You're now getting yourself healthy.

1403
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:05.840
to then approach it from a different perspective, make a healthy decision, make a healthy action.

1404
01:45:07.840 --> 01:45:12.080
Yeah, no, that helps a lot. That definitely, that helps clear up all the

1405
01:45:12.960 --> 01:45:16.160
questions and everything I had. No, that helps a lot.

1406
01:45:19.120 --> 01:45:24.640
Yeah, my goodness, it's already almost 8 30. I don't know how time flies by so fast on these

1407
01:45:24.640 --> 01:45:30.080
calls, but it's great. No, that helps a lot. Just knowing like, that it's not a matter of

1408
01:45:30.080 --> 01:45:35.920
me doing anything. It's just a matter of me releasing to make more room for, for God to

1409
01:45:37.200 --> 01:45:43.200
give me the things he wants to give me. Yeah. And it doesn't make sense, but I know,

1410
01:45:43.200 --> 01:45:48.320
I know it doesn't. I, the only way that I learned this actually is I just had to walk it out

1411
01:45:48.320 --> 01:45:52.720
because again, nothing else I was doing to heal was working. So I was like, Florida is what I'm

1412
01:45:52.720 --> 01:45:58.640
going to do. And it worked. I had been dealing with traumas for 20 some odd years, actually

1413
01:45:58.640 --> 01:46:04.800
some of them for 30. Anyway, this finally worked. I didn't have someone that was telling me that,

1414
01:46:04.800 --> 01:46:11.280
um, I took some things that the Lord, some nuggets that God spoke to me through other teachers.

1415
01:46:11.920 --> 01:46:16.480
And then I thought, okay, well, how can I flush that out? Lord, I took it to the Lord. Okay,

1416
01:46:16.480 --> 01:46:20.080
Lord, how would that work out in different areas of my life? And he told me, apply it to your life

1417
01:46:20.080 --> 01:46:24.960
actually in this way. A lot of it was actually out of desperation. It just kind of like a leading

1418
01:46:24.960 --> 01:46:29.040
of the spirit. Not so much of, I know what it is, what it is that I'm doing. This makes sense. It

1419
01:46:29.040 --> 01:46:35.440
was more kind of like, okay, the other didn't work. So forget that I'm going to forget my trauma

1420
01:46:35.440 --> 01:46:41.280
and I'm just going to do this. And it worked. I was like, oh my word. And then after that,

1421
01:46:41.280 --> 01:46:48.080
I began to teach me the principle. So, um, anyway, uh, but yeah, it, it, so you can,

1422
01:46:48.080 --> 01:46:52.320
I highly recommend it. You can try that, especially if net, if anything, everything

1423
01:46:52.320 --> 01:46:58.640
it is that you tried this far hasn't worked. Mine's not the only way to do it. Mine's that

1424
01:46:58.640 --> 01:47:02.560
mine's the way that finally worked for me. When all of the other things that people mostly talk

1425
01:47:02.560 --> 01:47:07.200
about in the world and the church didn't work, it was too hard and it was too painful. And I've

1426
01:47:07.200 --> 01:47:14.720
been going for so long and it was too much time. So no, I know the feeling, oh my goodness, man,

1427
01:47:14.720 --> 01:47:20.800
so much frustration. Is it not working? No, I know the feeling. Um, but no, I just,

1428
01:47:20.800 --> 01:47:27.920
I'm just amazed at, at this month so far and just everything. I'm just so amazed by it.

1429
01:47:28.960 --> 01:47:37.600
I mean, it hasn't been two weeks. It hasn't? Oh my word. It feels like a lifetime.

1430
01:47:37.600 --> 01:47:50.720
I know. I'm shocked when I'm like, I know even a month ago, I'm like, I am so different than I

1431
01:47:50.720 --> 01:47:56.640
was a month ago. It's wild. Yeah. We were, we were getting, um, after my little episode in

1432
01:47:56.640 --> 01:48:00.320
the kitchen this morning where I broke down crying cause I felt like such a failure.

1433
01:48:00.880 --> 01:48:06.320
And then a couple hours later, I was like, man, like I totally don't even think about it anymore.

1434
01:48:06.320 --> 01:48:14.160
Whereas before I would stuff it all day. It took action to like stuff it back down. And I was like,

1435
01:48:15.120 --> 01:48:19.360
it's gone. And I didn't really do anything. I was like, it's kind of like throwing up from

1436
01:48:19.360 --> 01:48:23.680
an upset stomach. It's just, it's painful to get it out. But then when it's out, it's out

1437
01:48:23.680 --> 01:48:29.920
instead of like, yes, feeling nauseous all day. It's a fresh, it's a fresh experience in my mind

1438
01:48:29.920 --> 01:48:34.080
cause I had morning sickness and it's not fun feeling nauseous all day. If you can just throw

1439
01:48:34.080 --> 01:48:41.120
up it's better. But, and then we went out, we went out tonight for, uh, to get some takeout.

1440
01:48:41.120 --> 01:48:47.440
I told Josh, like, it's really weird, but I don't feel stressed. Like I took a long nap this

1441
01:48:47.440 --> 01:48:52.320
afternoon. I said like, literally like my shoulders, like my body feels limber. Like

1442
01:48:53.040 --> 01:48:57.120
I haven't felt like that for a long time. It's like, Hmm, this is really interesting.

1443
01:48:57.920 --> 01:49:03.200
So it's just, it's been, it's been a, it's been a very interesting month. Like I, I've not,

1444
01:49:03.200 --> 01:49:11.200
I'm not used at all to letting my feelings out at all. And I'm realizing now how it has affected

1445
01:49:11.200 --> 01:49:17.520
me or how it affects me when I don't, because it seems like for how many years, you know,

1446
01:49:17.520 --> 01:49:20.160
when you're used to doing something, you don't really think about how it affects you. But then

1447
01:49:20.160 --> 01:49:25.760
when you start doing something different, it's been really interesting to start to realize how

1448
01:49:25.760 --> 01:49:30.880
I respond to when I actually do let my feelings and emotions out instead of, you know, however

1449
01:49:30.880 --> 01:49:37.760
many years stopping them. But yeah, no, it's just been, it has been so good. It has been such

1450
01:49:37.760 --> 01:49:43.360
an answer to prayer this whole month and your teachings. And I'm just like, I just, it feels

1451
01:49:43.360 --> 01:49:48.880
like water being poured over me. It's just amazing. I'm so glad I know it's the children's

1452
01:49:48.880 --> 01:49:55.920
bread. It belongs to all of us. And like I said, I don't, I don't charge people for this information.

1453
01:49:55.920 --> 01:49:59.760
I charge them to walk, you know, to walk people through it. I mean, not that,

1454
01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:01.640
not that I'm charging about it in this April and September.

1455
01:50:01.640 --> 01:50:03.640
I'm just saying that this is what I do for a living.

1456
01:50:04.080 --> 01:50:08.840
I don't, and the reason I say that is I don't charge for the information because

1457
01:50:08.840 --> 01:50:13.560
the information is not mine. You know, it's, it's, it's your inheritance.

1458
01:50:14.080 --> 01:50:16.800
It's my inheritance. I don't have,

1459
01:50:17.400 --> 01:50:21.600
I don't have a corner on this market. You know what I'm saying? You know,

1460
01:50:21.600 --> 01:50:24.800
it's the Lord's and it's ours. And, um, and,

1461
01:50:24.800 --> 01:50:28.720
and it's refreshing when we hear it because we're like, this is who I am.

1462
01:50:28.720 --> 01:50:31.560
And this is so I am between me and the Lord and the Lord gave me this and this

1463
01:50:31.560 --> 01:50:35.240
is my relationship with them and all of that. And it's very, it's rewarding.

1464
01:50:35.760 --> 01:50:39.520
Um, but yeah. Oh, and just one more thing I wanted to say, uh, the Lord, uh,

1465
01:50:39.560 --> 01:50:42.600
there's actually a lot of spiritual work that the Lord does when we're asleep.

1466
01:50:43.720 --> 01:50:45.640
So if we pray, you know, before we get,

1467
01:50:45.640 --> 01:50:49.360
if we talk to the Lord before we go to sleep and say, Lord, you know, just, uh,

1468
01:50:49.400 --> 01:50:52.160
you know, I just want you to know, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

1469
01:50:52.520 --> 01:50:55.960
I'm consciously choosing to release, um, to,

1470
01:50:55.960 --> 01:50:58.560
to open myself up so that you,

1471
01:50:58.560 --> 01:51:03.280
your spirit comes in and ministers to my spirit and that my spirit comes in and,

1472
01:51:03.280 --> 01:51:05.200
and just starts, uh, you know,

1473
01:51:05.880 --> 01:51:10.040
being more open to your revelation and that it begins to heal things in me.

1474
01:51:10.320 --> 01:51:13.720
He'll do that. Even when our, even when our body is unconscious,

1475
01:51:14.840 --> 01:51:16.120
even when our mind is unconscious,

1476
01:51:16.120 --> 01:51:19.600
there's a lot of spiritual work that ends up going on when we're,

1477
01:51:19.640 --> 01:51:20.160
when we're asleep,

1478
01:51:20.160 --> 01:51:21.840
which is sometimes why we wake up very,

1479
01:51:21.840 --> 01:51:25.840
very refreshed and other times where we sleep for a really long time.

1480
01:51:26.040 --> 01:51:29.160
But our, we, we wake up not feeling refreshed.

1481
01:51:29.520 --> 01:51:33.160
Our spirits are doing things while we're asleep.

1482
01:51:34.560 --> 01:51:37.560
Or when you make a wake up mad. Is that why you wake up mad sometimes?

1483
01:51:39.000 --> 01:51:39.960
Really? You can wake up.

1484
01:51:42.960 --> 01:51:44.680
They do all kinds of things. Yeah. We, we,

1485
01:51:45.000 --> 01:51:49.760
and are much more aware of what it is that they're doing when they're asleep.

1486
01:51:50.400 --> 01:51:54.720
Um, uh, I currently am not as aware.

1487
01:51:54.720 --> 01:51:59.360
I have become more aware of like dreams because before I wasn't

1488
01:51:59.360 --> 01:52:03.080
aware that I was in dreams until I woke up.

1489
01:52:03.360 --> 01:52:07.320
Now I'm a bit more aware of something that it's a dream and it,

1490
01:52:07.760 --> 01:52:09.680
and that means that I'm, I'm,

1491
01:52:10.000 --> 01:52:14.560
I'm accessing the fact that my spirit is doing things

1492
01:52:14.800 --> 01:52:18.840
while I'm asleep and I'm much more in my soul is more conscious of it,

1493
01:52:18.840 --> 01:52:23.200
which is what I want it to do as opposed to me shutting my, my soul off.

1494
01:52:23.200 --> 01:52:27.720
My spirit just does things and I have no idea what's going on. Um, so yeah,

1495
01:52:27.720 --> 01:52:29.920
our God, uh, God, God,

1496
01:52:30.280 --> 01:52:34.400
we actually end up doing a lot of things while we're asleep that we just

1497
01:52:34.400 --> 01:52:35.680
aren't conscious of them.

1498
01:52:35.920 --> 01:52:39.080
But I'm trying to transition to the point where I'm more and more conscious of

1499
01:52:39.080 --> 01:52:42.680
them the way that some people are, but God's journeying me into that.

1500
01:52:43.520 --> 01:52:47.320
But yeah, that's really neat. I know I get crazy dreams when I'm pregnant.

1501
01:52:47.680 --> 01:52:49.360
Maybe it's because there's an extra soul in me.

1502
01:52:50.080 --> 01:52:55.000
There you go. That's right. I don't know. That's fine. That's a lot of fun.

1503
01:52:55.120 --> 01:52:55.960
Yeah.

1504
01:52:59.160 --> 01:53:00.040
Yeah. Well, anyway,

1505
01:53:00.040 --> 01:53:03.880
I don't really think I have anything more to like ask you or talk about unless

1506
01:53:03.880 --> 01:53:04.720
you have more.

1507
01:53:05.560 --> 01:53:09.720
I don't, I don't, I don't. You asked a really good question.

1508
01:53:09.760 --> 01:53:13.160
Well, I hope it made sense. I feel like this whole week I was like,

1509
01:53:13.160 --> 01:53:16.600
I felt like just the blender full of junk and I was like,

1510
01:53:16.600 --> 01:53:19.680
we're just going to get on the phone and we'll figure it out when we get there.

1511
01:53:19.680 --> 01:53:22.440
I was like, I should really give you a heads up about what I'm feeling.

1512
01:53:22.440 --> 01:53:25.080
And I'm like, I have no idea what I'm feeling. I just,

1513
01:53:25.520 --> 01:53:26.880
I have no idea what to do. So I was like,

1514
01:53:26.880 --> 01:53:29.800
I'm just going to get on the phone and figure it out.

1515
01:53:29.920 --> 01:53:32.000
Yeah. Most of my clients do that.

1516
01:53:32.000 --> 01:53:35.320
Most of my clients do not tell me what they want to talk about beforehand.

1517
01:53:35.360 --> 01:53:36.440
I say most, yeah,

1518
01:53:36.440 --> 01:53:40.080
most of the time my clients get on the phone without telling me,

1519
01:53:40.280 --> 01:53:41.320
but every day that I have,

1520
01:53:41.320 --> 01:53:46.320
that I have some clients that sometimes and actually quite often they do tell me

1521
01:53:46.480 --> 01:53:47.200
ahead of time,

1522
01:53:47.200 --> 01:53:49.920
but that's just because they think about things throughout the week.

1523
01:53:50.160 --> 01:53:51.480
And then when I just let me know, Oh, by the way,

1524
01:53:51.480 --> 01:53:55.080
I really want to know this because that's important to them.

1525
01:53:55.520 --> 01:53:57.080
It's important to them that, Hey, by the way,

1526
01:53:57.080 --> 01:53:59.800
I really like to know this, but otherwise we'll just get on a call and,

1527
01:54:00.200 --> 01:54:03.960
and they and they just start talking.

1528
01:54:04.600 --> 01:54:07.720
And some people come with a list of questions cause it's their personality.

1529
01:54:08.040 --> 01:54:10.960
Others don't come on with any questions and they're like, I don't know.

1530
01:54:11.000 --> 01:54:14.840
No, we're going to talk about, but I just ask them. So how have you been?

1531
01:54:15.080 --> 01:54:18.560
What have you been doing since we last talked? And then all of a sudden

1532
01:54:20.160 --> 01:54:23.280
like this, you didn't have those questions. All I did was ask you,

1533
01:54:23.520 --> 01:54:27.440
how have you been? And all of a sudden you're like, well,

1534
01:54:27.440 --> 01:54:29.600
this is how I've been coming to think of it.

1535
01:54:31.440 --> 01:54:34.360
Yeah, no, I enjoy it. I enjoy it a lot.

1536
01:54:35.640 --> 01:54:36.480
It's great.

1537
01:54:37.280 --> 01:54:40.520
Yeah. Well I've enjoyed spending time with you. I'll look forward to the next one.

1538
01:54:41.200 --> 01:54:46.000
Yeah, definitely. But I am going to go, but last night we were up again till like,

1539
01:54:46.040 --> 01:54:50.040
after midnight and then Eric woke up and was up for like hours during the night.

1540
01:54:50.040 --> 01:54:54.520
And I'm like, tonight I have to go to bed and I have to get some sleep.

1541
01:54:54.560 --> 01:54:56.440
I took a long nap. So now I'm like,

1542
01:54:57.320 --> 01:54:58.880
I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to sleep.

1543
01:55:00.000 --> 01:55:06.000
But tonight, I was like, I have got to go to bed before 12 o'clock, so.

1544
01:55:06.000 --> 01:55:07.000
Yeah.

1545
01:55:07.000 --> 01:55:08.000
Yeah.

1546
01:55:08.000 --> 01:55:11.000
So just think of a restful thought.

1547
01:55:11.000 --> 01:55:16.000
Like don't try to reconcile or understand anything tonight.

1548
01:55:16.000 --> 01:55:22.000
Just enjoy the fact that I can think about everything and solve all those problems tomorrow.

1549
01:55:22.000 --> 01:55:24.000
I can solve what I'm going to get at the grocery store tomorrow.

1550
01:55:24.000 --> 01:55:28.000
I'm going to solve what I'm going to get at Eric's tomorrow.

1551
01:55:28.000 --> 01:55:29.000
I like that one.

1552
01:55:29.000 --> 01:55:31.000
I do need to go grocery shopping tomorrow.

1553
01:55:31.000 --> 01:55:34.000
But that's a good advice.

1554
01:55:34.000 --> 01:55:38.000
I'm going to have to do that.

1555
01:55:38.000 --> 01:55:40.000
Well, you take care.

1556
01:55:40.000 --> 01:55:41.000
Yes, you too.

1557
01:55:41.000 --> 01:55:42.000
Thanks so much for your time, Ashley.

1558
01:55:42.000 --> 01:55:44.000
I really appreciate it.

1559
01:55:44.000 --> 01:55:45.000
Thanks, Carrie.

1560
01:55:45.000 --> 01:55:46.000
Always good to talk to you.

1561
01:55:46.000 --> 01:55:47.000
Yes, you too.

1562
01:55:47.000 --> 01:55:48.000
Bye.

1563
01:55:48.000 --> 01:55:49.000
Talk to you later.

1564
01:55:49.000 --> 01:55:50.000
Bye.