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Hey, there.

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Hey, Ashley.

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Can you hear me?

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Yes, I can.

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I apologize, Terry.

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I see actually that it was on my calendar.

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But I never saw the notification.

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And so totally fine.

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I'm so sorry.

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I mean, you know, if I make myself available.

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You know, it means that I'm available. So I, I'm,

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I just had no idea that someone had scheduled and I I'm sorry.

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No, no, that's totally fine.

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I know it was last minute and I was like,

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I'm just going to try and do it this way. And I was like, you know,

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if it doesn't work, I I'll just shoot you a message.

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So it sounds like you're having a crazy.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I am.

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Yeah.

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There's just a lot to, to unpack.

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I'm I'm good.

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It's kind of one of those things where like in a nutshell,

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it's like you realize you have so much freedom, it's terrifying.

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So it's you're so good that it's kind of freaky.

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You know what I mean?

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It's like, you know,

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it's like you realize you have so much freedom that you,

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you feel terrified.

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And.

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It's just been an interesting past couple of weeks. Honestly,

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it was like, I think it was two weeks ago.

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I was listening to one of your teachings.

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I think it was about the two trees. Whoops.

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I've lost my earbuds here.

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It was about one of the two trees, one of those teachings.

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And anyway,

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I was listening to one of your teachings.

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And it was about how free I actually am in life to make decisions.

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And to not.

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Basically.

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I don't even know if this makes sense,

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but to not hold God responsible to the outcome necessarily.

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Like, I don't even know if that's the logically correct, but.

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All of a sudden it just dawned on me.

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Like how much freedom I have in life and how many decisions I have

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to make.

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And how much of my life has been.

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Decided or how much of my life has been framed up by.

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Making the choices that I thought were the right choices to make.

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And all of a sudden I realized like that,

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that that isn't even a thing anymore.

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And I feel like.

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I don't even know what the meaning is to life anymore.

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Like, I don't even know if that makes sense, but like,

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especially like with marriage and.

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All of a sudden I just realized like.

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I.

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Got married because I was afraid.

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That it was.

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That not getting married was the wrong thing to do.

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So I just got married because I was afraid that if I don't get married,

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then that's the wrong thing to do.

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And then, you know,

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We had kids because I was afraid that, you know,

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it's like every decision up until now has been made out of fear.

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Not because of something I genuinely wanted to do.

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And now all of a sudden it's like, Oh my goodness. Like why,

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why did I do the things I did? You know, like why, what,

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what is the point of marriage? I know this sounds horrible.

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Like we're, we're married and have kids and I'm just like,

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All of a sudden it's like, what is the point of everything?

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You know?

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Yeah.

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And, and, you know, like even with marriage, it's like,

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How do I go on from here? Realizing.

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That the choices that I've made to like the,

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the choice to get married.

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It wasn't like, you know,

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It obviously wasn't made out of the right decision.

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And I just feel like.

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It's invalid.

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I don't even know how to explain it.

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I don't know.

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Even makes sense.

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Yeah.

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Like it just, the, the, the system that I used to.

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To make life's decisions on up until this point.

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It all of a sudden.

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You know, you all of a sudden you realize you aren't held.

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You aren't held to.

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Yeah.

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And all of a sudden it feels like another one of those carpets gets

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pulled out from under my feet.

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And I'm like, I don't even know how to explain it.

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I don't even know how to explain it.

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I don't know.

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Even makes sense.

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Yeah.

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Like it just, the, the, the system that I use to.

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To make life's decisions on up until this point.

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It all of a sudden.

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You know, you all of a sudden you realize you aren't held.

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You aren't held to.

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Yeah.

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And all of a sudden it feels like another one of those carpets gets

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pulled out from under me, you know, and I'm like, oh no, like.

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Then what's the point of everything.

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And I just feel like.

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I feel like there's something that I'm missing.

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Like there's something that I'm not.

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Understanding or something. I don't know.

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But.

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It has been an intense struggle.

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Especially in marriage, because it's like all of a sudden I realized.

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That.

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and based out of fear, and not because I had the free will to

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choose, if that makes sense, or because I thought that I didn't

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have the free will to choose.

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Yeah, correct.

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Well, that's kind of where I'm at.

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Yeah, well, it's all really good thoughts. I always enjoy talking

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to you. I love how you think and you really, you really come at

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the root of the issue. And I think articulated extremely

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well. So like you said, there's a lot to unpack, meaning there's

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a lot that I can respond to, to give you, you know,

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encouragement.

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One thing about, you know, feeling like, oh, my word, I've

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got so much freedom, you know, and it can sound, it can feel

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terrifying. Oh, by the way, can you hear me? Okay.

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I can hear you good.

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Okay.

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Maybe I can do that.

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And so with with freedom, yes, we have a tremendous amount of

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freedom in the Lord, but we grow into it. So we don't have to, we

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don't have to worry like, and feel overwhelmed by the amount

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of freedom as if we've been thrown into outer space. You

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know, we're just like, oh, my word, there's no boundaries,

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there's no structure, because we don't know how to manage

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that. So like children, God leads us into more and more

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freedom, and he's teaching us how to govern it. And until we

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can govern and govern ourselves within it, and know how to how

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to interact with life, and then how to actually, you know,

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govern, well, then he's only going to expose us to as much as

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we can, as much as he's growing us into at that moment. So just

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like, you know, with the decisions, you know, you give a

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child, you know, you just tell them when they're young, okay,

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no, you're gonna wear these shoes. And then when they get a

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little older, like, okay, you can wear these shoes, or these

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shoes, you get them a choice. So they're still structure, but

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they're you're introducing them to freedom and teaching them how

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to make their own free will decisions in a protective

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environment that does not where they can't harm themselves. So

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and then you eventually get kind of like, Oh, my goodness,

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you know, now we're at a store. Now you can pick out pick

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between these five shoes and which ones you actually want mom

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and dad to buy for you, you know, and then eventually you

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just buy your own shoes, etc. So as far as we, we actually grow

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into those things. And we don't have to worry that Oh, my

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goodness, we're expected by God to just like, Oh, I can do

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anything that I want. And he'll back me up on it. And we were

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not thrown into that much freedom, even though we're born

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to eventually operate in it. But he teaches us how to do it

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safely. So so there is that. And so did that address what you're

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specifically related? Yeah,

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yes, very much. So that helps a lot. It makes you feel less like

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I that makes me feel a lot less like, it's like when animals went

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out of the cage, and they just kind of, you know, they just

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kind of sit in their cage for a while, like shivering and like,

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where am I gonna go? You know, and then yeah, no, that makes

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that makes a lot of sense. So knowing that I can't, knowing

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that God doesn't give me the amount of freedom that I can

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harm myself with. Yeah, so then still, there are still things

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that will do that will that will feel that, that, that will, that

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will step out in that will make decisions on thinking, Okay, I

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think that this is where my piece is that I think that this

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is my heart's desire and the Lord's. And we get into it and

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realize, wait a minute, something's not right here. You

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know, I feel like God's correcting me or I feel that

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God's, you know, doing whatever, well, he's just he

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that's part of the part of the teaching process where he's

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like, Okay, no, you thought that that's how it works. But that's

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not exactly how it works. So let me gently show you sometimes

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it's a little harder, you know, but let me show you that, you

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know, it's actually wiser and more effective to make these the

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decision this way, instead of the way you did it. So that is

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where the Lord is. So it's not a free for all. So we still need

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the Lord and he likes us to be vulnerable to him. He doesn't

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want us to just go off and do our own thing. He gets that it's

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a dance of a relationship. The whole point of life is a

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relationship with the Lord and growing us and he's raising up

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his own bride. He's adopted the man, the woman that he wants to

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marry. And then he's married to her and now he and now he

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continues to mature her as

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her husband. So, he's raising, he's raising the desire of his own heart to be able to

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interact with him, provide to exert, and by exert I don't mean like, you know, forcefully,

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but to express her own free will in relationship with him, etc. And he's teaching her how to

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know her own heart, and which is a heart that was birthed out of him, out of his essence,

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out of his DNA. So, it really is good, but he's teaching her how to know herself so that

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when she brings her own contribution, even though I'm talking about a her, I'm talking

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about bride, you know, because it could be male too, it could be a man as well, but,

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you know, then bring her own, her own contribution to the relationship, then she's teaching her

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how to do that, as opposed to teaching her, or not teaching her, but telling her like

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a master, you will say this, and you will do this, etc. Well, that's taking away her

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free will, and God doesn't want to do that. God teaches us how to discover our own free

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will so that we make it out of our own choice. So, it's very interesting how all of that

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works. But anyway, so does that answer that part of it? Yeah, definitely. As far as like,

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you know, like the purpose of life, I touched on it earlier. Sorry, I'm trying to figure

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out what we're doing here. Sorry, it's the police. They need us to get over for some

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reason. Oh, I think that they're catching speed speeders. Maybe that's what that is.

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Um, so as far as, you know, the purpose of life, so purpose of life is growing image

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is what I just described, you know, growing and maturing in our relationship with the

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Lord. And because he's raising up his own bride that can bring her own contribution

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to the marriage. And then so that the two of them together in their interaction, create

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a feedback loop, where each is giving to the other and each is each is giving to the other

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freely, and each is receiving from the other freely. And, and a part of that process is,

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okay, well, what are we going to do together? So we know that we're safe with each other.

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You know, so now what are we going to do together? Well, you know, it's bride and bridegroom.

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Well, we're going to govern the earth, we're going to govern creation, we're going to,

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we're going to bring it into alignment with the invisible, so that it so that the visible

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looks like the invisible. So in other words, it's, we're working together to learn how to make

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the invisible seen. And so that's, that's the purpose of life we are in all of the things that

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all of the events that we go through, our ways that it in ways that we're interacting with

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creation, are us interacting with creation kind of similarly to the way that God interacts with us.

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And the fact that he enjoys us, it, you know, we eat for the fun of it. You know, yeah, there's,

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there's fuel involved as well. But a good chunk of eating is just in the reason that God created

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it, because he said, Hey, you don't have to eat, you can live strictly off the word. So then what's

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the point of eating? Well, because we enjoy it, it's fun. So we can interact with creation,

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we can interact with events like, oh, well, you know, baby showers, and, and church fellowship,

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and having families, whether it's your own family, you know, that you came from, or the

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your family that you're creating. It's, it's just, there's an aspect of enjoyment that we shouldn't

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make. So we should, we should understand is part of what God intended it to be,

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is just, you know, just just interaction and enjoyment and pleasure.

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For, so I don't want to ever devalue our interaction with creation, as if the only, our only

236
00:14:19.920 --> 00:14:27.440
is if our only interaction with it, in a lofty spiritual sense is supposed to be that we govern

237
00:14:27.440 --> 00:14:32.480
it and tell it what to do, we provide leadership or whatever. Well, no, we have a relationship with

238
00:14:32.480 --> 00:14:39.680
it. And the fact that we enjoy it, and it enjoys us, etc. But when it needs leadership, we provide

239
00:14:39.680 --> 00:14:45.520
the leadership. And then as far as that, and then the same thing, everything that I just described

240
00:14:45.520 --> 00:14:52.000
goes for marriage, you know, as an aspect of creation, as an aspect of, because that is

241
00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:59.840
something that the two of y'all birthed, the two of you birthed a marriage. It's a thing that y'all

242
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:03.600
came into agreement about and created.

243
00:15:03.600 --> 00:15:06.080
And so you're still in the process of creating

244
00:15:06.080 --> 00:15:07.600
what that looks like,

245
00:15:07.600 --> 00:15:10.080
what y'all's specific unique marriage looks like

246
00:15:10.080 --> 00:15:11.760
and what it brings to the world.

247
00:15:11.760 --> 00:15:14.720
Because it, your marriage together in oneness

248
00:15:14.720 --> 00:15:16.880
is meant to overcome the world

249
00:15:16.880 --> 00:15:19.880
and to govern it in a specific way,

250
00:15:19.880 --> 00:15:24.640
has a specific sound, frequency, whatever that creation,

251
00:15:24.640 --> 00:15:29.320
your children, your house, your family,

252
00:15:29.440 --> 00:15:33.160
both of your families, your community, whatever,

253
00:15:33.160 --> 00:15:38.160
responds to what y'all create your marriage to be.

254
00:15:38.240 --> 00:15:42.040
And it will, can receive more of the Lord from it.

255
00:15:42.040 --> 00:15:44.720
It can see what Christ and the bride look like

256
00:15:44.720 --> 00:15:48.200
by looking at y'all, that kind of thing.

257
00:15:48.200 --> 00:15:49.880
And then there was something else I was gonna say.

258
00:15:49.880 --> 00:15:52.200
Oh yeah, it's related to, you know,

259
00:15:52.200 --> 00:15:57.200
oh, well, I made the decision to get married out of fear.

260
00:15:57.960 --> 00:16:01.000
So I'm now looking back on it.

261
00:16:01.000 --> 00:16:02.680
Well, you know, I feel like that's kind of going

262
00:16:02.680 --> 00:16:04.360
into the next thing we were gonna talk about.

263
00:16:04.360 --> 00:16:05.880
So before I talk about that,

264
00:16:05.880 --> 00:16:10.720
did what I say make sense about like the purpose of life?

265
00:16:10.720 --> 00:16:12.040
Where did it sound to you?

266
00:16:12.040 --> 00:16:13.600
Definitely.

267
00:16:13.600 --> 00:16:14.440
Okay, did you?

268
00:16:14.440 --> 00:16:15.280
No, that totally makes sense.

269
00:16:15.280 --> 00:16:16.120
Okay, that makes sense.

270
00:16:16.120 --> 00:16:16.960
Yeah.

271
00:16:16.960 --> 00:16:18.520
Okay, all right.

272
00:16:18.520 --> 00:16:22.560
And let's see, because what I wanna make sure

273
00:16:22.560 --> 00:16:27.000
that we all understand is two things.

274
00:16:27.840 --> 00:16:30.120
And I keep repeating this, I guess, I don't mean to,

275
00:16:30.120 --> 00:16:35.120
but is to know that what it is that we're experiencing

276
00:16:36.520 --> 00:16:39.840
on this earth and the mindset by which we've approached it

277
00:16:39.840 --> 00:16:44.840
all of this time is that marriage and issues with parents

278
00:16:45.280 --> 00:16:49.680
or, you know, getting a job and, you know,

279
00:16:49.680 --> 00:16:53.160
being promoted in position after position

280
00:16:53.160 --> 00:16:55.040
and getting money and moving houses

281
00:16:55.080 --> 00:16:56.680
and creating a life for our children

282
00:16:56.680 --> 00:16:58.000
and creating blah, blah, blah.

283
00:16:58.000 --> 00:17:03.000
What we became so focused on that world that we thought,

284
00:17:04.359 --> 00:17:06.000
oh, this is all that there is.

285
00:17:06.000 --> 00:17:11.000
And God just helps us do it so that the way that we live

286
00:17:11.920 --> 00:17:16.680
looks nice and it looks godly and whatever.

287
00:17:16.680 --> 00:17:18.640
Well, it's actually much more than that.

288
00:17:18.640 --> 00:17:22.640
We're meant to govern the thing, not be governed by it.

289
00:17:22.640 --> 00:17:26.040
We're not subjected to the events that happen to us.

290
00:17:26.040 --> 00:17:28.880
And we're not just creating events just in order

291
00:17:28.880 --> 00:17:31.680
to hit milestones and go through life

292
00:17:31.680 --> 00:17:33.840
so that someone at the end can look back and say,

293
00:17:33.840 --> 00:17:35.800
oh, well, you know what, they live good.

294
00:17:35.800 --> 00:17:37.720
So therefore, you know, God's pleased.

295
00:17:37.720 --> 00:17:39.640
You know, they made history,

296
00:17:39.640 --> 00:17:41.920
they made other people's lives easier.

297
00:17:41.920 --> 00:17:43.760
They made other people laugh, whatever.

298
00:17:43.760 --> 00:17:45.080
No, it's more than that.

299
00:17:45.080 --> 00:17:48.080
It's we're actually making the invisible visible

300
00:17:48.080 --> 00:17:49.640
by how we live.

301
00:17:49.640 --> 00:17:52.040
And we're actually, all of the struggles,

302
00:17:52.040 --> 00:17:55.560
all of the pain is that we go through

303
00:17:55.560 --> 00:18:00.280
and how we deal with that is us overcoming

304
00:18:00.280 --> 00:18:03.640
and bringing creation, freeing creation.

305
00:18:03.640 --> 00:18:06.200
It's bringing creation into freedom

306
00:18:06.200 --> 00:18:09.240
so that it's no longer enslaved to pain.

307
00:18:09.240 --> 00:18:11.560
It's no longer enslaved to death.

308
00:18:11.560 --> 00:18:13.960
It's no longer enslaved to, you know, sin.

309
00:18:15.560 --> 00:18:16.840
And so we give that.

310
00:18:16.840 --> 00:18:21.280
But in explaining that that's actually the purpose,

311
00:18:21.280 --> 00:18:23.840
I don't ever want to devalue the fact

312
00:18:23.840 --> 00:18:28.840
that life is to be enjoyed and life can be fun

313
00:18:29.680 --> 00:18:31.480
and life can be simple.

314
00:18:31.480 --> 00:18:36.160
And God takes great delight in the fact

315
00:18:36.160 --> 00:18:39.480
that we take great delight in the simplest things

316
00:18:39.480 --> 00:18:43.920
such as making popcorn and binge watching Netflix

317
00:18:43.920 --> 00:18:45.880
on a Friday night, you know,

318
00:18:45.880 --> 00:18:48.400
or waking up in the morning and deciding,

319
00:18:48.400 --> 00:18:51.120
you know what, it's Saturday morning

320
00:18:51.960 --> 00:18:52.800
and we're going to have a special morning.

321
00:18:52.800 --> 00:18:54.960
We're going to do pancakes and we're going to do,

322
00:18:54.960 --> 00:18:56.640
I mean, they're just simple little things

323
00:18:56.640 --> 00:18:59.480
and we don't want to think that, okay, well,

324
00:18:59.480 --> 00:19:00.760
I'm overcoming creation.

325
00:19:00.760 --> 00:19:02.360
Something like that should be,

326
00:19:02.360 --> 00:19:06.280
should, is, is there's no point to it.

327
00:19:06.280 --> 00:19:07.120
It's frivolous.

328
00:19:07.120 --> 00:19:08.840
Like, you know, that's where, yeah.

329
00:19:08.840 --> 00:19:12.200
Including the afties, all this vein in there, I mean.

330
00:19:12.200 --> 00:19:13.200
Yes, exactly.

331
00:19:13.200 --> 00:19:16.520
Like this despondent, you know, perspective suddenly

332
00:19:16.520 --> 00:19:18.880
of, oh my goodness, you know, none of it matters.

333
00:19:18.880 --> 00:19:20.240
No, it does.

334
00:19:20.280 --> 00:19:22.000
It's just the perspective,

335
00:19:22.000 --> 00:19:24.720
our perspective of it needs to change.

336
00:19:24.720 --> 00:19:25.760
Oh, I wonder.

337
00:19:26.760 --> 00:19:27.680
Sorry, just a second.

338
00:19:27.680 --> 00:19:29.800
Let me check and see if I was supposed

339
00:19:29.800 --> 00:19:31.680
to have taken that exit.

340
00:19:31.680 --> 00:19:32.800
I hope not.

341
00:19:32.800 --> 00:19:36.240
So just a second, love easy.

342
00:19:36.240 --> 00:19:37.160
Sure.

343
00:19:37.160 --> 00:19:39.080
If so, I'll just start around.

344
00:19:40.440 --> 00:19:41.320
Cause that's weird.

345
00:19:41.320 --> 00:19:44.880
Cause I thought that I 10 went all the way through.

346
00:19:44.880 --> 00:19:45.720
Let me check.

347
00:19:46.920 --> 00:19:50.200
Oh, wait a minute.

348
00:19:51.040 --> 00:19:51.880
I'm sorry.

349
00:19:51.880 --> 00:19:54.560
It's just taking a second.

350
00:19:54.560 --> 00:19:55.400
Oh no.

351
00:19:55.400 --> 00:19:58.800
Maybe, maybe I am going.

352
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:10.880
the right way. 3.1 miles to where? Where does it want me to go? I don't know.

353
00:20:21.840 --> 00:20:28.880
Sorry, I don't know what it was wanting me to do. If it was wanting me to go a different direction

354
00:20:28.880 --> 00:20:36.880
and I didn't obey. I don't know. We're just going to go this way because it's going to be just fine.

355
00:20:36.880 --> 00:20:46.640
Okay. Let's see here. Sorry, what were we talking about? I'm trying to remember too.

356
00:20:48.240 --> 00:20:55.840
I'm sorry. Oh, well, yeah, just that everything being saying that they're part of the

357
00:20:59.840 --> 00:21:06.560
well, yeah, it just that yeah, we we do we do govern and we are leaders but at the same time

358
00:21:06.560 --> 00:21:13.600
we have a relationship with creation just like God has a relationship with us and and therefore

359
00:21:13.600 --> 00:21:19.520
we're meant to enjoy it and those things are meant to serve us as sons of God where we

360
00:21:20.480 --> 00:21:29.840
where by enjoying those like those examples of things that I mentioned we are we're taking

361
00:21:29.840 --> 00:21:39.200
pleasure in God and the fact that he has fun the fact that he's beautiful the fact that

362
00:21:40.080 --> 00:21:46.480
you know I don't know whatever and those things aren't aren't full of frivolous so anyway my

363
00:21:46.480 --> 00:21:50.960
point is I want to make sure that I don't make it sound like oh well everything's just supposed

364
00:21:50.960 --> 00:21:57.040
to be so spiritual of that that the the other things sound frivolous in comparison they're not

365
00:21:57.040 --> 00:22:07.440
that's actually part of these the the point of creation is the enjoyment of all those things

366
00:22:07.440 --> 00:22:13.600
it's not frivolous it's not vain so there's that so did you have any questions about that before

367
00:22:13.600 --> 00:22:19.440
I talked about the the whole the marriage and other decisions and being wasted I think no I

368
00:22:19.440 --> 00:22:28.480
think that that makes sense to me yeah okay and then so as far as the um uh the thing about

369
00:22:29.680 --> 00:22:34.160
making having made decisions whether it be marriage or or other or having children or

370
00:22:34.160 --> 00:22:39.840
whatever that's kind of like well wait a minute if it were where we like look at the past and we

371
00:22:39.840 --> 00:22:47.200
start second guessing things the God uses all of that and that's actually part of our journey part

372
00:22:47.200 --> 00:22:57.440
of our journey is having walked through making decisions from a place of fear but it doesn't

373
00:22:57.440 --> 00:23:03.840
mean that that was a that that was wasted or that that was frivolous or that that didn't

374
00:23:03.840 --> 00:23:14.720
mean anything or doesn't have value or or whatever uh why sorry okay good that's not

375
00:23:15.440 --> 00:23:22.160
trying to figure out where I am and I think I'm good um and so God God used all this like I said

376
00:23:22.160 --> 00:23:26.640
it's part of our part of our part of our story part of our part of our journey part of the path

377
00:23:26.640 --> 00:23:35.200
that we walked and um and it doesn't mean that it was a bad or wrong decision because

378
00:23:36.720 --> 00:23:42.720
the the point isn't so much what it is that we do and the actions that we take it's the

379
00:23:42.720 --> 00:23:50.400
it's the source behind why we took those actions and God just wants to deal with the fear

380
00:23:51.360 --> 00:23:58.160
so um not uh yeah so does that make sense he's like I don't want you to do it out of fear

381
00:23:58.160 --> 00:24:03.440
believing that you know you're abandoned and all of that so we don't have to like look back in our

382
00:24:03.440 --> 00:24:12.080
life and think oh my goodness I've made wrong decisions that are that equate to what we call

383
00:24:12.080 --> 00:24:17.440
waste because I made it out of fear so if I made it out of fear then apparently you know it's just

384
00:24:18.000 --> 00:24:24.720
you know it was is wasted or it's wrong or it's uh uh that's not how God intended it or

385
00:24:24.720 --> 00:24:30.000
or whatever um and uh sorry there was something I was going to say

386
00:24:31.600 --> 00:24:36.720
something I was going to say about that I mean something more I was going to say about that

387
00:24:37.520 --> 00:24:47.120
and uh like about man a lot I lost it while you were talking I was like okay yeah yeah that's

388
00:24:47.120 --> 00:24:52.720
what you know I know what I can I can see it and then now I'm trying to say it and I and I've

389
00:24:52.720 --> 00:24:59.120
forgotten what it is that I kept in mind but anyway what are your thoughts so far yeah no it makes a

390
00:24:59.120 --> 00:24:59.760
lot of sense

391
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:03.400
what you've been saying, it totally makes sense.

392
00:25:05.240 --> 00:25:09.620
I don't know, it's just, especially in marriage,

393
00:25:09.620 --> 00:25:12.320
the past, I don't know, well, the past couple of months,

394
00:25:12.320 --> 00:25:14.040
I feel like it's coming to a head.

395
00:25:15.320 --> 00:25:19.080
But I feel like, you know, all the areas that I've shifted

396
00:25:19.080 --> 00:25:20.720
in my relationship with the Lord,

397
00:25:20.720 --> 00:25:24.320
and like just the complete, you know,

398
00:25:24.320 --> 00:25:28.560
the complete makeover that has happened in my life,

399
00:25:28.560 --> 00:25:30.920
I feel like that is trying to,

400
00:25:30.920 --> 00:25:34.320
like, I feel like that's trying to infiltrate my marriage

401
00:25:34.320 --> 00:25:35.920
or manifest in my marriage.

402
00:25:35.920 --> 00:25:38.640
Like, I feel like it's trying to shift in my marriage,

403
00:25:38.640 --> 00:25:42.480
and it's just an extremely messy process,

404
00:25:42.480 --> 00:25:43.720
if that even makes sense.

405
00:25:43.720 --> 00:25:46.120
You know, like when you shift into business,

406
00:25:46.120 --> 00:25:47.680
it's kind of like, you know,

407
00:25:47.680 --> 00:25:49.120
things kind of fall by the wayside.

408
00:25:49.120 --> 00:25:52.120
Maybe you, you know, some things kind of,

409
00:25:52.120 --> 00:25:54.120
you feel like you're neglecting them or whatever,

410
00:25:54.120 --> 00:25:56.400
and then, you know, it's kind of a bumpy route

411
00:25:56.400 --> 00:25:59.640
until you kind of are all of a sudden sailing in,

412
00:25:59.640 --> 00:26:01.720
you know, the freeway of rest,

413
00:26:01.720 --> 00:26:03.880
or however you want to explain it, you know.

414
00:26:03.880 --> 00:26:05.560
But I feel like in marriage,

415
00:26:05.560 --> 00:26:07.720
like, we keep trying to shift gears,

416
00:26:07.720 --> 00:26:09.240
and we just keep selling out.

417
00:26:10.200 --> 00:26:13.760
Because I know that, like, how our marriage has been,

418
00:26:13.760 --> 00:26:15.280
like, there's really good seasons,

419
00:26:15.280 --> 00:26:18.360
and then it only goes so long until there's, like,

420
00:26:18.360 --> 00:26:22.360
extreme conflict, or we come up against something,

421
00:26:22.360 --> 00:26:25.680
and it just seems, like, exhausting.

422
00:26:25.800 --> 00:26:27.200
Like, absolutely exhausting.

423
00:26:27.200 --> 00:26:29.840
And I don't know, like,

424
00:26:31.680 --> 00:26:33.400
I'm kind of at my wit's end, honestly,

425
00:26:33.400 --> 00:26:35.000
and I don't know if, like,

426
00:26:35.880 --> 00:26:38.240
I don't know if this is awkward for you or not,

427
00:26:38.240 --> 00:26:43.240
but I even, like, I have said before

428
00:26:43.480 --> 00:26:45.880
that I feel like I would make

429
00:26:45.880 --> 00:26:47.920
a better prostitute than a wife.

430
00:26:47.920 --> 00:26:50.000
Like, I don't even know if that makes sense,

431
00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:53.120
but I feel like, even with intimacy,

432
00:26:53.120 --> 00:26:56.560
like, I feel where there's anything, like,

433
00:26:56.560 --> 00:26:58.080
you know, sexual involved,

434
00:26:58.080 --> 00:27:01.800
I feel like if I could just somehow

435
00:27:03.880 --> 00:27:08.320
remove the relationship part of it, then it's fine.

436
00:27:08.320 --> 00:27:12.840
Like, something about the deep, intimate relationship

437
00:27:12.840 --> 00:27:15.440
part of marriage completely freaks me out,

438
00:27:15.440 --> 00:27:17.560
like, completely freaks me out.

439
00:27:17.560 --> 00:27:20.920
And I don't know why.

440
00:27:20.960 --> 00:27:23.640
I do not understand what is going on,

441
00:27:23.640 --> 00:27:25.760
but there's something inside of me

442
00:27:25.760 --> 00:27:28.000
that just bucks up against, like, when Josh,

443
00:27:28.000 --> 00:27:32.000
and, you know, it's not always just with, you know, sex,

444
00:27:32.000 --> 00:27:33.880
but it's like, even if he just wants to, you know,

445
00:27:33.880 --> 00:27:34.960
give me a hug or a kiss,

446
00:27:34.960 --> 00:27:37.080
and it's completely unsexual with it,

447
00:27:37.080 --> 00:27:38.280
there's just something inside of me

448
00:27:38.280 --> 00:27:41.040
that when he goes to show me love or affection, like,

449
00:27:41.040 --> 00:27:42.200
it just, I don't know,

450
00:27:42.200 --> 00:27:44.400
something inside of me bucks against it,

451
00:27:44.400 --> 00:27:46.240
and it just makes me angry.

452
00:27:46.240 --> 00:27:49.400
But I don't want it to be that way.

453
00:27:49.400 --> 00:27:51.400
I mean, I want to be able to accept his love,

454
00:27:51.400 --> 00:27:55.600
but somehow the deep, vulnerable parts of marriage

455
00:27:55.600 --> 00:27:59.720
just absolutely freak me out and terrify me.

456
00:27:59.720 --> 00:28:01.440
And I feel like I would, you know,

457
00:28:01.440 --> 00:28:03.200
I would be such a better wife.

458
00:28:03.200 --> 00:28:04.720
I'd be able to cope so much better

459
00:28:04.720 --> 00:28:09.520
if there wouldn't be so much relationship.

460
00:28:09.520 --> 00:28:13.560
And I don't, I know that, I know that I want a relationship.

461
00:28:13.560 --> 00:28:15.200
I know that that's what I want,

462
00:28:15.200 --> 00:28:18.400
but there's something that just, I don't know what it is,

463
00:28:18.400 --> 00:28:19.800
that just rises up inside of me

464
00:28:19.800 --> 00:28:22.000
that just feels extremely uncomfortable

465
00:28:22.000 --> 00:28:24.640
and extremely just terrified

466
00:28:24.640 --> 00:28:26.240
at the thought of actual, like,

467
00:28:26.240 --> 00:28:29.000
deep, intimate relationship with someone.

468
00:28:30.680 --> 00:28:32.160
Yeah, so I'm assuming,

469
00:28:32.160 --> 00:28:34.720
are you talking about a physical intimacy

470
00:28:34.720 --> 00:28:37.440
or emotional intimacy, regardless of whether-

471
00:28:37.440 --> 00:28:40.160
All of it, honestly, all of it, yeah.

472
00:28:40.160 --> 00:28:41.880
Just any intimacy.

473
00:28:41.880 --> 00:28:42.720
Now, I don't know-

474
00:28:42.720 --> 00:28:44.480
I would say that, I would say,

475
00:28:44.480 --> 00:28:46.920
I would say, like, physical intimacy would be much,

476
00:28:46.920 --> 00:28:49.120
like, it would be much harder.

477
00:28:49.120 --> 00:28:52.320
You know, I can talk to Josh about anything, you know,

478
00:28:52.320 --> 00:28:53.840
and I know that he understands

479
00:28:53.840 --> 00:28:55.960
and he's very loving and caring.

480
00:28:55.960 --> 00:28:58.680
I feel like it's much easier for me to bear my soul to him,

481
00:28:58.680 --> 00:29:01.000
you know, emotionally than it is physically.

482
00:29:02.080 --> 00:29:02.920
Yeah.

483
00:29:04.400 --> 00:29:06.680
Well, a couple of thoughts.

484
00:29:06.680 --> 00:29:11.680
Is it that you are not comfortable in your own skin,

485
00:29:12.920 --> 00:29:15.920
so to speak, that there's something about your own sexuality

486
00:29:15.920 --> 00:29:18.240
that you do not feel comfortable with?

487
00:29:18.240 --> 00:29:22.720
Or, and therefore it's hard to be vulnerable and revealing,

488
00:29:22.720 --> 00:29:24.440
and I'm not even necessarily talking about,

489
00:29:24.440 --> 00:29:26.760
oh, well, you know, I like this about my body or that about,

490
00:29:26.760 --> 00:29:27.600
I'm not talking about that.

491
00:29:27.600 --> 00:29:29.000
I'm talking about your sexuality,

492
00:29:29.000 --> 00:29:32.080
which is deeper than, which is more than skin deep.

493
00:29:33.440 --> 00:29:35.120
Or is it,

494
00:29:37.560 --> 00:29:39.000
or is it that

495
00:29:41.400 --> 00:29:44.560
there's something about,

496
00:29:44.600 --> 00:29:49.200
you don't believe that you will be actually,

497
00:29:49.200 --> 00:29:52.320
there's something that is concerned

498
00:29:52.320 --> 00:29:54.240
that you're going to be rejected,

499
00:29:54.240 --> 00:29:56.520
or, here's another one,

500
00:29:56.520 --> 00:30:01.520
you don't trust that he's actually rejecting you.

501
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:06.000
receiving you and therefore it feels fake and or there's something that some

502
00:30:06.000 --> 00:30:08.880
doubt inside of you that makes you feel like, oh, wait a minute, you know,

503
00:30:08.880 --> 00:30:15.960
that I feel that even though he wants physical intimacy, that the emotional

504
00:30:15.960 --> 00:30:20.120
intimacy and connectedness that comes with it, I don't feel safe with him

505
00:30:20.120 --> 00:30:23.880
because I do not feel that I'm actually being received. I feel that it's a bit

506
00:30:23.880 --> 00:30:24.760
hypocritical.

507
00:30:25.360 --> 00:30:27.760
Yeah, I definitely feel the last one.

508
00:30:28.200 --> 00:30:31.600
The last one. Okay. Yeah, I mean, go ahead.

509
00:30:32.320 --> 00:30:35.560
I was just gonna say the first one. I mean, it's definitely not I mean, I

510
00:30:35.560 --> 00:30:39.480
don't struggle with like insecurities or body image or anything like that. I

511
00:30:39.480 --> 00:30:44.240
mean, even after a baby, like, I'm just, I don't know. I'm just so over that.

512
00:30:45.160 --> 00:30:49.680
Honestly, like, I just don't even I don't even go down that route. I mean,

513
00:30:49.680 --> 00:30:52.800
as far as like, understanding my sexuality, like, I have no idea what

514
00:30:52.800 --> 00:30:56.960
that means. But as far as like, you know, not feeling, you know, comfortable in

515
00:30:56.960 --> 00:31:00.000
my own skin, I don't think no, I would say I definitely don't have that

516
00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:00.560
problem.

517
00:31:01.360 --> 00:31:09.640
Yeah. And so when I'm talking about your own, your own sexuality, I'm not

518
00:31:09.640 --> 00:31:14.880
talking necessarily about your, your, you know, how it is that you feel about

519
00:31:14.880 --> 00:31:21.440
your body. Like I said, in your physically, you know, that sexual

520
00:31:21.440 --> 00:31:29.440
intimacy is, or is that person's sexuality is deeper than their body?

521
00:31:29.480 --> 00:31:41.280
It's in. So how do I explain this? Oh, how would I explain this? Where some

522
00:31:42.240 --> 00:31:46.360
and I know what I'm trying to say, but I thought that I'm wondering how on

523
00:31:46.360 --> 00:31:53.280
earth you articulate that in words? And where you feel that? Okay, so here's an

524
00:31:53.280 --> 00:32:00.080
example. Do you feel that you can experiment with him? Do you feel

525
00:32:00.080 --> 00:32:06.040
comfortable experimenting, trying new things, doing whatever? Are you, you

526
00:32:06.040 --> 00:32:13.240
know, can you initiate? Okay, so that is kind of an example of not feeling

527
00:32:13.840 --> 00:32:19.160
once on sexuality. So it's deeper than actually a person's body and whether or

528
00:32:19.160 --> 00:32:23.560
not they feel like, you know, oh, well, you know, I can go through the act. This

529
00:32:23.560 --> 00:32:29.760
is like, there's a, the experimentation of playfulness, the the initiation, that

530
00:32:29.760 --> 00:32:34.960
kind of thing comes from someone that is comfortable on their sexuality. So

531
00:32:35.520 --> 00:32:39.240
that's why I was asking, because I'm just trying to help you kind of, you

532
00:32:39.240 --> 00:32:42.200
know, think of some think of some new thoughts that maybe you hadn't thought

533
00:32:42.200 --> 00:32:46.120
of before that you can explore. So there's that. And then as far as like,

534
00:32:46.120 --> 00:32:54.840
you're not feeling like you're actually perceived. And do it's, it's possible

535
00:32:54.840 --> 00:33:00.160
that that's going back to, you know, your your father, you know, because

536
00:33:00.160 --> 00:33:07.960
again, Josh is a man. And so this idea that feeling that you that words are

537
00:33:07.960 --> 00:33:12.400
said, and there are certain interactions that you've had with like your father

538
00:33:12.400 --> 00:33:17.880
or brother. Yeah, that with your father, where you felt you couldn't trust that

539
00:33:17.880 --> 00:33:21.800
it is what he said, because his actions proved different.

540
00:33:27.360 --> 00:33:28.280
Is Nick? Okay.

541
00:33:28.800 --> 00:33:32.000
Yeah, sorry. I'm just trying to get his pamper on. Okay, we're good.

542
00:33:32.000 --> 00:33:41.560
So anyway, if someone is used to is, is not used to being able to trust what

543
00:33:41.560 --> 00:33:44.400
someone else says, like someone else says all of the right things or

544
00:33:44.400 --> 00:33:53.040
whatever. But their actions don't make you feel safe, then you can project that

545
00:33:53.040 --> 00:33:56.960
on to your husband. Because that's what you're used to.

546
00:33:56.960 --> 00:34:03.040
Yeah. So I was wondering if maybe any of that triggered any, I don't know, any

547
00:34:03.040 --> 00:34:07.640
memories or any thoughts of, and I'm not talking about physically with your

548
00:34:07.640 --> 00:34:12.199
father, obviously, that's not what I'm saying. I'm talking about, you know,

549
00:34:12.199 --> 00:34:16.960
where words don't match action. So in other words, that you knew deep down

550
00:34:16.960 --> 00:34:22.960
that, okay, he, the right thing to do is to trust what he said. And then you

551
00:34:22.960 --> 00:34:28.440
that you knew deep down that, okay, he, the right things are being said, even

552
00:34:28.440 --> 00:34:33.000
the right things are being done. But you don't, you feel that deep down when it

553
00:34:33.000 --> 00:34:40.520
really matters, that it, there was not follow through. And that you discovered

554
00:34:40.520 --> 00:34:44.639
that, okay, no, you know, that actually was just lip service. And that was

555
00:34:44.639 --> 00:34:47.840
something that they knew that they were supposed to say or do. And they believed

556
00:34:47.840 --> 00:34:52.760
it truly about themselves. But when it comes right down to acting on it, they

557
00:34:53.159 --> 00:34:58.440
they, you discovered, no, they actually believe very differently. And they

558
00:34:58.440 --> 00:34:59.920
don't even catch it. They

559
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:03.200
even catch that they believe differently than the way that they're talking in the way that they're

560
00:35:03.200 --> 00:35:09.760
acting um so therefore you just learn oh well you know i don't can't feel safe with them so when

561
00:35:09.760 --> 00:35:13.360
your husband's trying to show love to you you don't actually feel safe with them you're like

562
00:35:13.360 --> 00:35:22.000
no he's doing and saying all the right things but i don't trust it i mean anyway g what are your

563
00:35:22.720 --> 00:35:29.120
yeah thoughts on all of that it makes a lot of sense i mean i was any relationship you know

564
00:35:29.120 --> 00:35:33.600
there have there there have been like hurts and stuff and you know words said but it's

565
00:35:33.600 --> 00:35:38.960
not to the point where i feel like i haven't let it go you know it's not like it's not to

566
00:35:38.960 --> 00:35:44.080
the point where i feel like you know i feel so deeply wounded or whatever that it would be

567
00:35:44.080 --> 00:35:49.520
affecting me and i just i mean it has been such a huge struggle i just don't know what to do anymore

568
00:35:49.520 --> 00:35:56.640
or i mean i just honestly like i don't get it i i mean josh is a wonderful husband and he has never

569
00:35:56.640 --> 00:36:02.320
used me the way i mean he has been you know he has been an outstanding husband and that's why i

570
00:36:02.320 --> 00:36:07.120
can't understand but then i just feel like oh well you know i'm just a problem because i just can't

571
00:36:07.120 --> 00:36:13.440
get it you know like i just can't get it but um it makes a lot of sense what you were saying

572
00:36:13.440 --> 00:36:17.920
towards the end where i feel like when he goes to show love i kind of freeze up because i'm like

573
00:36:17.920 --> 00:36:26.320
don't know like it's just manipulation to get what he wants yes yeah correct that um

574
00:36:26.400 --> 00:36:34.240
that you can't that you can't truly expect and trust that you're being received that you don't

575
00:36:34.240 --> 00:36:41.920
feel safe like emotionally safe or like it's safe when it really really really counts um like where

576
00:36:41.920 --> 00:36:49.200
there is no safety net and there's no going back um you know internally there's no going back that

577
00:36:49.200 --> 00:36:57.040
kind of a thing and so it and so it i don't i don't know about about josh but i saw i'm making

578
00:36:57.040 --> 00:37:05.520
i'm i'm making guesses here um about what is likely true it's likely that that from your

579
00:37:05.520 --> 00:37:13.760
description that the issue is not josh at all and that you are not a problem that that i know for

580
00:37:13.760 --> 00:37:20.640
sure no you're not a problem and you're not the problem it's there's something that has happened

581
00:37:20.640 --> 00:37:28.480
there are things that have happened that where you were trying to grow up learning or knowing

582
00:37:28.480 --> 00:37:36.000
the truth and there were lies that either you inherited through your dna you know through past

583
00:37:36.000 --> 00:37:44.720
previous ancestors they believed and whatever that you inherited whatever because we all have

584
00:37:44.720 --> 00:37:49.840
those you know we've heard from other people but and then other things that you've experienced

585
00:37:49.840 --> 00:37:53.600
maybe in your relationship with your dad or with or with i don't know men at church or with your

586
00:37:53.600 --> 00:38:00.240
uncles your grandfathers or i don't know somebody maybe even maybe even with your with your mother

587
00:38:00.240 --> 00:38:05.040
it doesn't have to be men but whatever it is where you realize you know what you can't

588
00:38:05.040 --> 00:38:12.720
i can only trust people to a particular degree because when it really counts they don't mean

589
00:38:12.720 --> 00:38:19.680
what they say they're not actually there there's no there's no safety net and so you learned

590
00:38:20.880 --> 00:38:26.560
you you you learned what you thought that life of the way that life really was

591
00:38:27.360 --> 00:38:31.840
so you're not trying to be mean to yourself you're not trying to be mean to anybody else

592
00:38:31.840 --> 00:38:41.120
you learn this is how life is and but because that's not how life is it's not working and it's

593
00:38:41.120 --> 00:38:48.240
creating strife but it makes sense why you believed what you did because what it was that was said or

594
00:38:48.240 --> 00:38:53.440
done to you and the fact that there was not the proper emotional follow-through was not right

595
00:38:53.440 --> 00:38:59.440
that it was done to you you weren't intended to live through that and experienced that

596
00:39:00.160 --> 00:39:06.720
um and to have taken on that belief that was never intended by god

597
00:39:06.960 --> 00:39:10.000
um

598
00:39:24.800 --> 00:39:28.640
i'm sorry no no i know don't worry

599
00:39:29.440 --> 00:39:40.720
so as far as like what to do about it um one of the things that you can do is because other people

600
00:39:42.720 --> 00:39:51.680
can't give us what we need meaning like uh now how do i how do i work with this we

601
00:39:51.680 --> 00:39:59.760
now how do i how do i work with this we uh i'm not trying to to make other people sound like villains

602
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:12.560
I'm saying that, you know, we can't expect others to give us something that God intends

603
00:40:12.560 --> 00:40:16.280
to be the one to give us, that's my point.

604
00:40:16.280 --> 00:40:25.600
And so if there are things that you're wanting, oh, how do I read this, okay, so let me, let

605
00:40:25.600 --> 00:40:29.040
me just, let me back up and word it like this and come at it from this direction, maybe

606
00:40:29.040 --> 00:40:40.400
it'll make more sense faster, that you, because when people say things, you don't, you, you

607
00:40:40.400 --> 00:40:45.600
want to believe it and you can believe it to a certain extent, but you believe it to

608
00:40:45.600 --> 00:40:51.520
an extent where you can still backtrack if you need to.

609
00:40:51.520 --> 00:41:05.120
So because you, so in other words, people may not be able to help you in the way that

610
00:41:05.120 --> 00:41:10.560
we would like other people to help us through something like this, where it's like, okay,

611
00:41:11.520 --> 00:41:20.560
for example, for example, if you're, if you're just like, if it was a different situation,

612
00:41:22.560 --> 00:41:25.520
then it would be something like, I don't know.

613
00:41:27.280 --> 00:41:28.080
Okay.

614
00:41:28.080 --> 00:41:33.840
Like if your mother always said a particular phrase when you were growing up and it meant

615
00:41:33.920 --> 00:41:42.320
something that, that, that constantly triggered you, then your, then, and Josh was always

616
00:41:42.320 --> 00:41:46.400
saying that, well, then you could work through something like that and say, okay, hey, you

617
00:41:46.400 --> 00:41:48.000
know, Josh, could you help me with this?

618
00:41:48.560 --> 00:41:53.600
Because I understand that when you're saying that same phrase that my mother used, she

619
00:41:53.600 --> 00:41:54.640
meant it this way.

620
00:41:54.640 --> 00:42:00.320
And I know that that's not how you mean it, but it still triggers me because I, I, and

621
00:42:00.320 --> 00:42:09.040
so I'm asking if you would help me by not saying that because it's, because I have

622
00:42:09.040 --> 00:42:10.320
associations with it.

623
00:42:10.320 --> 00:42:12.720
So I'm asking you if you would help me in that.

624
00:42:12.720 --> 00:42:14.320
So that's something that we can read.

625
00:42:14.320 --> 00:42:18.480
That's an example of a situation in which we're going through something that someone

626
00:42:18.480 --> 00:42:22.000
else can kind of help us walk through it by something that they do.

627
00:42:22.800 --> 00:42:31.200
But with this, no matter what he says, and no matter what he does, you, you don't trust

628
00:42:31.200 --> 00:42:31.700
it.

629
00:42:32.320 --> 00:42:33.120
You see what I'm saying?

630
00:42:33.760 --> 00:42:34.000
Right.

631
00:42:34.000 --> 00:42:38.320
It's like, sorry, we can't be typically intimate anymore because it triggers you.

632
00:42:39.360 --> 00:42:39.760
Yeah.

633
00:42:39.760 --> 00:42:41.040
So it doesn't, yeah, exactly.

634
00:42:41.040 --> 00:42:43.280
So in other words, this is a bit of a different situation.

635
00:42:43.280 --> 00:42:47.200
And that's what I was trying to explain as I was showing you another, totally, I was

636
00:42:47.200 --> 00:42:50.320
trying to compare it or contrast it with what it is.

637
00:42:50.400 --> 00:42:52.240
I'm saying that it's not the situation.

638
00:42:52.240 --> 00:42:53.360
It's a different one.

639
00:42:53.360 --> 00:43:01.120
So my point is that you can be your own and here's, here's the freedom and here's the

640
00:43:01.120 --> 00:43:02.240
hope for you.

641
00:43:02.880 --> 00:43:09.680
You can be your own parent and you can give yourself what you were never given because

642
00:43:09.680 --> 00:43:12.640
you're wanting it from others.

643
00:43:12.640 --> 00:43:18.560
And Josh, I believe personally, Josh has it to give you, but you can't hear it and you

644
00:43:18.560 --> 00:43:20.880
can't see it and you can't receive it.

645
00:43:20.880 --> 00:43:26.240
So you have the power by God to give it to yourself.

646
00:43:27.280 --> 00:43:34.640
You have the power to, you have the authority to be the parent to yourself that you always

647
00:43:34.640 --> 00:43:39.600
wished you had, that talked kindly to you, that spoke things over you.

648
00:43:39.600 --> 00:43:47.760
And that gives you permission to not believe what you used to believe and to believe

649
00:43:47.760 --> 00:43:54.320
different, kind of like a blind child with blind faith that, Hey, if mommy says that

650
00:43:54.320 --> 00:43:55.120
it must be true.

651
00:43:57.280 --> 00:44:01.040
So your parent, your spirit is kind of like a parent to your soul.

652
00:44:01.840 --> 00:44:08.400
And so, and it takes faith, you know, like the faith that you've had to step out again

653
00:44:08.400 --> 00:44:10.880
when you stepped into rest in order to trust God.

654
00:44:11.440 --> 00:44:12.720
So it's hard.

655
00:44:12.720 --> 00:44:13.840
It was hard to do that.

656
00:44:14.400 --> 00:44:21.440
It's hard to step out and feel that you can be emotionally vulnerable with Josh to that

657
00:44:21.440 --> 00:44:28.640
extent, because it's the, it's the earthly equivalent of what you've walked through with

658
00:44:28.640 --> 00:44:28.960
God.

659
00:44:29.920 --> 00:44:30.960
And it's that hard.

660
00:44:32.160 --> 00:44:40.640
So I don't want to, you know, I want to make sure that that's, that you understand saying

661
00:44:40.640 --> 00:44:44.480
that I'm fully aware that even though I'm, I'm talking as if, Oh, well, this is really

662
00:44:44.480 --> 00:44:45.200
simple.

663
00:44:45.200 --> 00:44:46.000
It's simple.

664
00:44:46.000 --> 00:44:46.880
It's not easy.

665
00:44:47.840 --> 00:44:51.680
So I just want to make sure that that's very clearly stated.

666
00:44:51.680 --> 00:44:52.560
I am fully aware.

667
00:44:52.560 --> 00:44:53.760
This is not easy at all.

668
00:44:55.040 --> 00:45:00.000
And so in the end, there's an amount, there's a tremendous

669
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:03.640
and just amount of risk and it's done internally.

670
00:45:04.720 --> 00:45:09.720
Then the other thing is you can talk to Josh about this

671
00:45:12.640 --> 00:45:16.160
and that's another part of the risk

672
00:45:16.160 --> 00:45:20.220
that's very, very hard to step out on.

673
00:45:20.220 --> 00:45:25.000
And that is actually telling him what the issue is.

674
00:45:25.000 --> 00:45:26.360
If you feel like that's something,

675
00:45:26.360 --> 00:45:29.000
like that's a step that you can start taking

676
00:45:29.000 --> 00:45:33.080
because it's inviting him into the process with you

677
00:45:33.080 --> 00:45:35.040
because you've committed yourself to each other.

678
00:45:35.040 --> 00:45:36.440
Like the Lord, how the Lord says,

679
00:45:36.440 --> 00:45:38.860
hey, you know, you can struggle with me

680
00:45:38.860 --> 00:45:40.520
but I want you to struggle with me.

681
00:45:40.520 --> 00:45:42.520
Don't turn your back on me and shut me out.

682
00:45:42.520 --> 00:45:44.720
You know, you can be mad at me, you know

683
00:45:44.720 --> 00:45:47.480
but I want you to be, I wanna do this with you.

684
00:45:47.480 --> 00:45:50.160
It's the same kind of thing in a marriage

685
00:45:50.160 --> 00:45:55.160
where you can invite someone into the process with you

686
00:45:56.160 --> 00:46:00.200
and saying, hey, look, I am struggling in this area

687
00:46:00.200 --> 00:46:04.720
and I am stepping out and choosing to believe

688
00:46:04.720 --> 00:46:08.720
that I can, that I actually am being received by you

689
00:46:08.720 --> 00:46:11.680
that I can trust, you know, trust you

690
00:46:11.680 --> 00:46:14.640
and that you do mean what it is you say.

691
00:46:14.640 --> 00:46:17.800
And you're acting in a particular way

692
00:46:18.920 --> 00:46:23.920
be out of a pure heart and a pure desire

693
00:46:25.520 --> 00:46:28.640
for me as opposed to being manipulated or whatever

694
00:46:28.640 --> 00:46:32.600
but I'm bringing this, these lies in

695
00:46:32.600 --> 00:46:34.840
from before I ever met you.

696
00:46:34.840 --> 00:46:37.640
I'm bringing in these lies from, I don't know where

697
00:46:37.640 --> 00:46:40.120
and I don't know where they came from

698
00:46:40.120 --> 00:46:44.760
but I projected them onto you unintentionally

699
00:46:44.760 --> 00:46:47.360
and I'm asking you as my husband

700
00:46:47.360 --> 00:46:49.400
will you walk with me through this

701
00:46:49.400 --> 00:46:53.800
because I'm choosing to believe that you

702
00:46:53.800 --> 00:46:58.160
unlike previous people in my life are genuine

703
00:46:58.160 --> 00:47:00.160
and that when you say something, you mean it

704
00:47:00.160 --> 00:47:01.880
and when you act in a particular way, you mean it

705
00:47:01.880 --> 00:47:03.280
and I'm gonna have to choose it

706
00:47:03.280 --> 00:47:05.280
because I don't believe it right now.

707
00:47:05.280 --> 00:47:07.840
And it's not because of anything you've done.

708
00:47:07.840 --> 00:47:12.640
It's because of, you know, decades

709
00:47:12.640 --> 00:47:17.200
of being with other people that I didn't feel safe with

710
00:47:17.200 --> 00:47:20.720
and I don't know how to not see a person that way.

711
00:47:20.720 --> 00:47:22.480
And I'm asking if you will be the person

712
00:47:22.480 --> 00:47:26.640
that will help me finally stop seeing, you know

713
00:47:26.640 --> 00:47:28.400
people like that because you

714
00:47:28.400 --> 00:47:30.880
of all people are the person I don't want to see like that.

715
00:47:30.880 --> 00:47:32.760
And I would say you have to word it like this

716
00:47:32.760 --> 00:47:35.000
and I'm fully, fully, fully aware.

717
00:47:35.000 --> 00:47:35.880
Trust me, Kerry.

718
00:47:35.880 --> 00:47:39.840
I am fully aware that that is hard.

719
00:47:39.840 --> 00:47:41.480
That is extremely hard.

720
00:47:41.480 --> 00:47:44.280
And maybe y'all have the relationship where it's not so hard.

721
00:47:44.280 --> 00:47:48.120
I would imagine that that is, would be a huge

722
00:47:48.120 --> 00:47:51.520
huge, huge first step in making

723
00:47:51.520 --> 00:47:54.600
in choosing to make oneself emotionally vulnerable

724
00:47:54.600 --> 00:47:57.640
in exactly the way that you've tried,

725
00:47:59.400 --> 00:48:01.480
you tried that your body

726
00:48:01.480 --> 00:48:05.480
and that your spirit had tried so hard to protect you from.

727
00:48:05.480 --> 00:48:07.880
It feels like stepping into the fire.

728
00:48:07.880 --> 00:48:09.920
Now, maybe for you, y'all have a relationship

729
00:48:09.920 --> 00:48:12.240
where it wouldn't be hard to have that conversation.

730
00:48:12.240 --> 00:48:14.120
Most people I would talk to

731
00:48:14.120 --> 00:48:16.680
would find that to be like the worst thing ever.

732
00:48:16.680 --> 00:48:18.840
No, no, I don't feel like that at all.

733
00:48:18.840 --> 00:48:20.640
I mean, that's wonderful.

734
00:48:20.640 --> 00:48:23.480
Yeah, no, I mean, I feel like I could tell Josh

735
00:48:23.480 --> 00:48:25.320
that I robbed a bank and he would say,

736
00:48:25.320 --> 00:48:26.920
it's okay, honey, let's talk through it.

737
00:48:26.920 --> 00:48:30.680
Like he would never, he is extremely understanding.

738
00:48:30.680 --> 00:48:33.080
And we, I mean, there's nothing that we don't,

739
00:48:33.080 --> 00:48:35.200
I mean, we bare our souls to each other.

740
00:48:35.200 --> 00:48:38.000
Emotionally, I mean, it's hard.

741
00:48:38.000 --> 00:48:39.960
I mean, it is very hard for me,

742
00:48:39.960 --> 00:48:41.720
but it's not like, you know, I,

743
00:48:41.720 --> 00:48:43.880
it's not like I don't do it.

744
00:48:45.120 --> 00:48:46.800
Yeah, yeah.

745
00:48:46.800 --> 00:48:48.280
But so, well, that's good

746
00:48:48.280 --> 00:48:50.520
because then he could help you with it

747
00:48:51.400 --> 00:48:52.240
because then he'd understand

748
00:48:52.240 --> 00:48:55.040
because there's also a possibility that he,

749
00:48:55.040 --> 00:48:57.400
unless y'all have already talked about this,

750
00:48:57.400 --> 00:48:59.480
that he feels rejected

751
00:48:59.480 --> 00:49:02.560
when that's not what you're trying to do,

752
00:49:02.560 --> 00:49:05.440
but you're trying to protect yourself.

753
00:49:05.440 --> 00:49:07.320
You're not trying to reject him.

754
00:49:08.800 --> 00:49:10.760
So both is possible.

755
00:49:10.760 --> 00:49:12.960
I'm not speaking this over it because I don't know,

756
00:49:12.960 --> 00:49:17.960
but it's possible that both are trying to protect

757
00:49:18.560 --> 00:49:20.600
yourselves from each other.

758
00:49:20.600 --> 00:49:22.600
When, you know what I'm saying?

759
00:49:22.600 --> 00:49:23.440
I like it.

760
00:49:23.440 --> 00:49:24.560
Yeah.

761
00:49:24.560 --> 00:49:27.800
And so anyway, the more open and vulnerable

762
00:49:27.800 --> 00:49:29.880
that y'all are with each other,

763
00:49:29.880 --> 00:49:32.200
it's that it's really, really hard.

764
00:49:33.160 --> 00:49:34.640
But the more that you are,

765
00:49:34.640 --> 00:49:38.080
the greater potential that you have

766
00:49:38.080 --> 00:49:41.040
to overcome and to together

767
00:49:41.040 --> 00:49:43.880
because you'll be stronger tackling it together

768
00:49:43.880 --> 00:49:47.440
than either one of you is gonna be trying to do it

769
00:49:47.960 --> 00:49:48.800
by themselves.

770
00:49:48.800 --> 00:49:52.400
So you, in fact, it's not even double the effort.

771
00:49:52.400 --> 00:49:56.120
It's at least triple, if not quadruple the effort.

772
00:49:57.200 --> 00:49:58.960
By effort, I don't mean hard work.

773
00:49:58.960 --> 00:49:59.800
I mean, the

774
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:07.360
power behind it is more than the sum of the two of y'all coming together and what y'all

775
00:50:07.360 --> 00:50:14.320
commit to it, it actually at least triples, if not quadruples.

776
00:50:14.320 --> 00:50:20.800
So that's wonderful that y'all build a relationship to the point where y'all can talk about that

777
00:50:20.800 --> 00:50:21.800
kind of thing.

778
00:50:21.800 --> 00:50:23.800
But anyway, what are your thoughts?

779
00:50:24.800 --> 00:50:27.800
That makes a lot of sense.

780
00:50:27.800 --> 00:50:34.200
Yeah, it makes a lot of sense.

781
00:50:34.200 --> 00:50:39.560
And I guess, I mean, as I continue to just, as I continue to just step out in faith, like

782
00:50:39.560 --> 00:50:45.680
the same way, you know, that I did in my relationship to the Lord and just trust Josh, and act,

783
00:50:45.680 --> 00:50:52.520
I mean, just believe Josh, even though I don't trust him fully, you know, then the rest of

784
00:50:52.520 --> 00:50:57.200
it will just all fall into play, you know, physically and everything else.

785
00:50:57.200 --> 00:51:00.200
It'll just kind of all work itself out.

786
00:51:00.200 --> 00:51:01.200
Yeah.

787
00:51:01.200 --> 00:51:08.920
And, you know, doing it with him is the same process that you go through with your, with

788
00:51:08.920 --> 00:51:14.960
the Lord, where you don't believe it, and you're not seeing evidence, and you don't

789
00:51:14.960 --> 00:51:15.960
believe it.

790
00:51:15.960 --> 00:51:20.280
So you have to choose it and have to act on it.

791
00:51:20.280 --> 00:51:24.720
So in other words, okay, I'm choosing that such and such is true, because Josh tells

792
00:51:24.720 --> 00:51:26.880
me that it's true.

793
00:51:26.880 --> 00:51:30.960
And I'm not getting a check in my spirit that I shouldn't be believing him.

794
00:51:30.960 --> 00:51:35.360
You know, because obviously, some people are in marriages where God's just like, Oh, no,

795
00:51:35.360 --> 00:51:38.600
no, no, you know, I'm trying to protect you from this man, you know, don't do it, you

796
00:51:38.600 --> 00:51:39.600
know.

797
00:51:39.600 --> 00:51:42.760
So I, so I'm very aware that there are those situations, but if it's a situation which

798
00:51:42.760 --> 00:51:46.280
you're not feeling and checking your spirit, you know, and obviously that this, you know,

799
00:51:46.280 --> 00:51:51.640
you're just like, Oh, no, everything's fine, then making, then choosing, okay, if Josh

800
00:51:51.640 --> 00:51:57.960
is saying that this is true, you know, Josh, you know, showing you my, my love for you,

801
00:51:57.960 --> 00:52:02.800
if you tell me that this is true, I'm going to choose it, even though I don't believe

802
00:52:02.800 --> 00:52:03.800
it yet.

803
00:52:03.800 --> 00:52:08.560
And therefore, if I choose it, I'm going to choose, okay, if he says that it's that his,

804
00:52:08.560 --> 00:52:11.960
you know, Josh, your word is good enough for me, I'm going to choose it.

805
00:52:11.960 --> 00:52:15.880
And therefore, I'm going to frame up my world that that is that that is the reality in which

806
00:52:16.480 --> 00:52:17.480
I live.

807
00:52:17.480 --> 00:52:22.600
And even though I don't believe it yet, I'm going to choose that's a reality of the world

808
00:52:22.600 --> 00:52:23.600
in which I live.

809
00:52:23.600 --> 00:52:28.000
And therefore, if that's the reality, and those are the laws by which everything works,

810
00:52:28.000 --> 00:52:29.760
what decisions would I make then?

811
00:52:29.760 --> 00:52:35.040
What actions would I take, and then I start taking those actions, and I start making those

812
00:52:35.040 --> 00:52:36.040
decisions.

813
00:52:36.040 --> 00:52:41.640
And then when you start acting on it and deciding on it, and start doing it, then eventually

814
00:52:41.640 --> 00:52:45.520
come to believe it, then eventually you begin to see proof of manifestation.

815
00:52:46.160 --> 00:52:53.440
So it's, it's a step of faith, even with another human being, even though it's not God.

816
00:52:53.440 --> 00:52:58.200
There's an element of this, especially if you're feeling this in your spirit, that it

817
00:52:58.200 --> 00:53:01.160
is an act of faith towards God as well.

818
00:53:01.160 --> 00:53:05.920
If you're feeling that, you know, from your spirit, if you feel like, you know, God is

819
00:53:05.920 --> 00:53:10.320
God is saying, Hey, you know what, you need to trust Josh and whatever, there's an element

820
00:53:10.320 --> 00:53:16.160
of stepping out and choosing and acting on it that is faith in God and faith in his word

821
00:53:16.160 --> 00:53:17.160
as well.

822
00:53:17.160 --> 00:53:18.160
Mm hmm.

823
00:53:18.160 --> 00:53:19.160
Yeah.

824
00:53:19.160 --> 00:53:27.040
No, I mean, I definitely feel like the Lord has been using Josh to, to show me in the

825
00:53:27.040 --> 00:53:31.960
physical realm, what it is that God wants to do for me in the spiritual realm, if that

826
00:53:31.960 --> 00:53:34.880
makes sense.

827
00:53:34.880 --> 00:53:39.840
And I guess what I'm sorry, I said that I know that

828
00:53:40.360 --> 00:53:47.560
I really have been feeling like the Lord has been using Josh in my life to show me, to

829
00:53:47.560 --> 00:53:53.240
basically show me in the physical realm, how it is that God feels about me in the spiritual

830
00:53:53.240 --> 00:53:54.240
realm.

831
00:53:54.240 --> 00:53:57.240
I mean, you know what I mean?

832
00:53:57.240 --> 00:54:00.240
Like, does that make sense?

833
00:54:00.240 --> 00:54:01.320
Yeah.

834
00:54:01.320 --> 00:54:06.320
Because I've never like, I mean, I've never been so loved as I have been since I've been

835
00:54:06.320 --> 00:54:07.320
married.

836
00:54:07.320 --> 00:54:16.040
I've never, I've never felt so like, unconditionally loved by a person in my whole entire life.

837
00:54:16.040 --> 00:54:20.840
And, you know, but it always comes up to that place where it's just like, it comes to that

838
00:54:20.840 --> 00:54:24.440
to a certain point, and then I start shutting down.

839
00:54:24.440 --> 00:54:27.960
But I know, like, I just felt like it kind of came to head and I was like, Oh, like,

840
00:54:27.960 --> 00:54:33.400
I know that this is the same thing that how it was in my relationship with the Lord.

841
00:54:33.480 --> 00:54:42.280
I just didn't know how to navigate it without trying to make it without making my marriage

842
00:54:42.280 --> 00:54:43.280
my salvation.

843
00:54:43.280 --> 00:54:44.280
Does that make sense?

844
00:54:44.280 --> 00:54:45.280
Yes.

845
00:54:45.280 --> 00:54:46.280
Yes, it does.

846
00:54:46.280 --> 00:54:47.280
Yeah.

847
00:54:47.280 --> 00:55:00.280
And it's when you were talking about, you know, you're about the fact that, you know,

848
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:15.000
You know, you get to a certain extent and then you start shutting down that like you were talking about is a physical way in which you are walking out.

849
00:55:15.000 --> 00:55:27.000
What, what, what it sounds like you might be walking out of how you might be interacting with the Lord, which is okay I believe that he loves me to a certain extent, then once we get to that.

850
00:55:27.000 --> 00:55:42.000
Once we get to a particular boundary, we think, oh no, I can't possibly be that I can't, this can't possibly be real. He can't possibly love me to this extent he can't possibly love me this much, or I don't deserve it.

851
00:55:42.000 --> 00:55:59.000
And, or this doesn't follow a principle that because this doesn't make sense. And there's no way that this is actually true. And so we shut down to protect ourselves from what we think we're doing is protecting ourselves from a lie.

852
00:55:59.000 --> 00:56:04.000
Which is like, okay, well this is just this is just too good to be true.

853
00:56:04.000 --> 00:56:14.000
And we do that with the Lord like okay well yeah I believe the Lord loves me I believe he loves me and then we get and we believe it to a certain extent and we hit our boundary.

854
00:56:14.000 --> 00:56:29.000
And so we're shutting down to protect ourselves from him and then we can do that with spouses as well. We can shut down by a particular point, because our ultimate goal, because our belief, because how we approach every how we approach one thing is how we

855
00:56:29.000 --> 00:56:45.000
approach everything. Our ultimate belief is hey we're deserving of love, to a particular extent, but once someone seems to express love for us beyond that we do not trust it, whether it be God or Josh or mom or whoever.

856
00:56:45.000 --> 00:56:46.000
Yeah.

857
00:56:46.000 --> 00:56:53.000
So, it's anyway that that definitely makes sense.

858
00:56:54.000 --> 00:57:00.000
It's deeper than your marriage, it's just showing up in your marriage, right.

859
00:57:00.000 --> 00:57:08.000
If you'll look you'll notice this shows up everywhere. The only difference is how close you've allowed these other relationships to get.

860
00:57:09.000 --> 00:57:23.000
to such a degree where I'm not that anyone will be as close as your marriage that's not what I'm saying, but you know, you know what I'm saying that there's, there's a, you might like protect yourself from other relationships where you've never had to like face, or you

861
00:57:23.000 --> 00:57:41.000
try to avoid facing, you know, create boundaries with certain people in order to avoid passing a particular point where you'd have to, where you could possibly run into the boundary to which you're no longer accepted, because you don't because you're like

862
00:57:41.000 --> 00:57:47.000
oh I'm trying to avoid running into that boundary. So you make it much shorter than that boundary.

863
00:57:48.000 --> 00:58:00.000
So, I mean, would that be what I feel like I'm coming up against especially like with physical intimacy, then it's it's just simply doesn't feel safe and that's why I don't want it.

864
00:58:01.000 --> 00:58:11.000
Yes, it's possible. I again I don't know but this is possible, because the same thing with pornography so let's think it was talking about pornography, I guess.

865
00:58:11.000 --> 00:58:22.000
Yeah, it wasn't here I was talking I was talking to somebody who wasn't talking to. I have no idea. Oh, I mean they weren't having problems with their husband, and it was something I was bringing this up as an example.

866
00:58:22.000 --> 00:58:29.000
Did I was I talking to you about this using it as an example, it was just a random example that I came up with to try to make a point.

867
00:58:29.000 --> 00:58:46.000
But anyway, so like for instance with with pornography. So, people can have a very strong marriage, and someone can, you know, given this like say for instance a man gets himself fully to his wife and he doesn't have different partners.

868
00:58:47.000 --> 00:59:04.000
It's just, it's just only her and all of that. And he's physically intimate with her and he loves her and jokes on her and he shows affection, etc. However, if he still deals with pornography, it means that he is, he can have a.

869
00:59:05.000 --> 00:59:23.000
It can be struggling with emotional vulnerability, because physical vulnerability is, is making a pathway in a way in which to express emotional vulnerability but it is possible to have physical vulnerability without emotional.

870
00:59:24.000 --> 00:59:43.000
So an aspect of him, of a man like that that is withholding himself from his wife, because he feels that he'll be rejected, and the, and the, the aspect of pornography that is so appealing to someone like that means that they can satisfy the idea that they could

871
00:59:44.000 --> 00:59:52.000
be appealing to someone, but they're putting themselves in an environment in which they can't be rejected.

872
00:59:52.000 --> 00:59:55.000
And with a real woman that can be rejected.

873
00:59:55.000 --> 01:00:00.000
And I don't mean rejected physically. I mean, rejected emotionally.

874
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:02.960
there's an aspect in which they kind of block themselves off.

875
01:00:02.960 --> 01:00:06.120
And again, I'm not saying that they don't seem and that,

876
01:00:06.120 --> 01:00:08.460
that they're not actually being affectionate. They are,

877
01:00:08.460 --> 01:00:11.440
they're being very loving and very affectionate, even in the act,

878
01:00:11.920 --> 01:00:16.520
but internally there's an aspect of themselves that they will not

879
01:00:16.540 --> 01:00:20.720
open. They won't open it to themselves. They won't open it to their wife.

880
01:00:20.760 --> 01:00:24.920
They won't open it to anybody because they have this fear of being rejected,

881
01:00:25.160 --> 01:00:27.080
including being rejected by themselves.

882
01:00:27.400 --> 01:00:29.600
They won't even look at themselves that deep.

883
01:00:30.200 --> 01:00:34.560
So my point is that yes, that it, that emotion,

884
01:00:34.600 --> 01:00:38.240
that physical intimacy, if there's an issue, there's a,

885
01:00:38.360 --> 01:00:43.200
there's an emotional vulnerability that is struggling

886
01:00:45.200 --> 01:00:47.760
because the physical intimacy is a,

887
01:00:47.760 --> 01:00:50.920
almost like a body tool through which,

888
01:00:52.640 --> 01:00:55.480
through which it's in

889
01:00:57.480 --> 01:01:00.560
it's triggered. It's supposed to trigger emotional vulnerability.

890
01:01:04.320 --> 01:01:07.520
That makes sense because you can have a very wonderful marriage,

891
01:01:07.800 --> 01:01:12.000
even with people who can't be physically intimate because of

892
01:01:12.680 --> 01:01:15.760
physical disabilities. Like say, for instance, you know,

893
01:01:15.760 --> 01:01:19.520
people that are married to somebody who's paralyzed or, you know,

894
01:01:19.560 --> 01:01:24.160
even who has a, what is that called? You know,

895
01:01:24.280 --> 01:01:28.320
who might be brain dead or anything. I mean, you think about someone like,

896
01:01:28.400 --> 01:01:31.880
what was his name? Who was, he was played Batman and he was in the wheelchair.

897
01:01:32.200 --> 01:01:35.960
Oh yes. I have no idea what his name was, but yeah, I know who you mean. Yeah.

898
01:01:36.040 --> 01:01:37.840
I mean, people like that. So I mean,

899
01:01:37.840 --> 01:01:40.720
because there's a way to have that good, that good marriage.

900
01:01:40.760 --> 01:01:45.080
And because it's emotional, the physical is a tool and a trigger.

901
01:01:46.000 --> 01:01:48.560
It's very important. Yeah. So it's not to be discredited.

902
01:01:48.560 --> 01:01:51.640
It's extremely important and it's not, it's not devalued at all.

903
01:01:51.880 --> 01:01:55.160
It's just that you can have the importance of a marriage without it.

904
01:01:55.520 --> 01:01:59.360
So that the benefit of it is it isn't used as a tool,

905
01:01:59.360 --> 01:02:00.600
but it's not an end-all.

906
01:02:01.160 --> 01:02:05.080
It's supposed to trigger an emotional vulnerability to a level that some,

907
01:02:05.120 --> 01:02:06.960
that talking doesn't get a person.

908
01:02:09.840 --> 01:02:12.960
Well, it can, it can get a person. Yeah.

909
01:02:14.640 --> 01:02:19.320
Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. But yeah, it's a lack of feeling safe.

910
01:02:20.320 --> 01:02:23.680
Yeah. And I'm not trying to declare anything over you.

911
01:02:23.680 --> 01:02:26.240
I'm just saying that hearing everything that you're saying,

912
01:02:26.520 --> 01:02:29.640
those are some ideas you can think about and figure out, well,

913
01:02:29.680 --> 01:02:31.920
does any of this, what you'd talk about with the Lord,

914
01:02:31.920 --> 01:02:36.720
does any of this seem to ring a bell or ring true or sound familiar or

915
01:02:36.760 --> 01:02:38.360
trigger any ideas or whatever?

916
01:02:40.440 --> 01:02:43.880
Yeah, no, I know. I know for sure.

917
01:02:43.880 --> 01:02:48.120
Like physical intimacy always triggers fears in me

918
01:02:48.520 --> 01:02:53.280
always fears of, you know, did I make the wrong decision?

919
01:02:53.280 --> 01:02:56.600
Am I getting married? Did I marry the wrong person, et cetera, et cetera.

920
01:02:56.680 --> 01:03:01.680
And I know that that, you know, I, yeah. And you know,

921
01:03:01.680 --> 01:03:05.560
how do you, how do you just, do you just not even like,

922
01:03:05.600 --> 01:03:08.480
do you just not even give the fears any,

923
01:03:08.800 --> 01:03:11.600
like how do you work through that in a healthy way, but still not give it,

924
01:03:12.360 --> 01:03:15.160
give it the attention that it wants? You know what I mean?

925
01:03:16.160 --> 01:03:20.760
Yes. So it's easier. So there's two different ways you can do it.

926
01:03:20.760 --> 01:03:24.360
You can battle the lie, but that's a lot harder because again,

927
01:03:24.360 --> 01:03:25.840
it's focusing on a negative.

928
01:03:26.160 --> 01:03:29.680
And so you, you end up beating the enemy that you're trying to flee from,

929
01:03:29.960 --> 01:03:32.800
which is absolutely possible, but it's just harder.

930
01:03:34.040 --> 01:03:38.600
Or you could just fill yourself up with the truth so much.

931
01:03:38.640 --> 01:03:41.600
In other words, just focus on whatever the truth is.

932
01:03:41.920 --> 01:03:46.920
And, and let it over and let it over power and overwhelm the lie because that's

933
01:03:46.920 --> 01:03:50.320
what, in other words, you choose a new focus. Like, no,

934
01:03:50.360 --> 01:03:54.560
and it's a choice because remember that you don't believe it yet.

935
01:03:55.520 --> 01:03:59.560
You know, it's a choice. It's an intentional willful decision,

936
01:03:59.600 --> 01:04:02.280
which is terrifying because if you don't believe it,

937
01:04:02.680 --> 01:04:06.880
your body and your soul thinks we're going to die. You know,

938
01:04:06.880 --> 01:04:10.360
we're going to leave ourselves emotionally vulnerable and we're going to die.

939
01:04:10.360 --> 01:04:15.360
Emotionally vulnerable in some way that is actually going to cause us at some

940
01:04:15.520 --> 01:04:20.520
level, either physically or soulishly to suddenly not exist.

941
01:04:22.360 --> 01:04:26.080
It's that it's, that's, you know, that's why it's a leap of faith.

942
01:04:26.520 --> 01:04:27.320
It is,

943
01:04:27.320 --> 01:04:32.320
it's a choosing when we've got nothing but word on which to step out.

944
01:04:36.880 --> 01:04:39.280
That makes a lot of sense. Yeah. Honestly,

945
01:04:39.280 --> 01:04:42.640
I feel like everything that I've been sensing the past,

946
01:04:42.760 --> 01:04:45.840
I don't know how long, everything that I've been sensing,

947
01:04:46.000 --> 01:04:49.320
like you just put into words tonight, honestly. And it just,

948
01:04:49.960 --> 01:04:53.320
everything just makes a lot of sense.

949
01:04:55.120 --> 01:04:56.440
Yeah, very much so.

950
01:04:57.600 --> 01:04:59.440
Well, I'm sorry that for

951
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:05.840
All of the struggles, I'm glad that you're in a wonderful marriage, you know, with someone that

952
01:05:05.840 --> 01:05:11.520
that you're just like, Oh, yeah, he just, just loves me. And, and you've got a good platform

953
01:05:11.520 --> 01:05:17.120
and a good, you know, with him. And then what it is that y'all have done all of the hard work in

954
01:05:17.120 --> 01:05:26.240
order to build, which is that, that the vulnerability with each other to communicate

955
01:05:26.240 --> 01:05:32.720
very clearly and very openly and very transparently, that is huge. And that you have to support,

956
01:05:33.280 --> 01:05:38.160
you know, emotionally and to support the marriage that the two of y'all want to want to do what you

957
01:05:38.160 --> 01:05:46.160
need to do in order to get this to work, you know, in order to push through. And I'm not trying to

958
01:05:46.160 --> 01:05:52.560
use all of these, you know, all of these tree of knowledge and evil words, but I'm just trying to

959
01:05:52.560 --> 01:05:58.800
get an idea across here in the way that we understood it for so long. Y'all, you're really

960
01:05:59.760 --> 01:06:10.320
in a wonderful position to, to deal with this. And so that's, that's a tremendous blessing.

961
01:06:10.320 --> 01:06:19.120
But it does not, it doesn't actually take care of, it doesn't,

962
01:06:22.160 --> 01:06:28.080
you still have to do it. And so whether someone was in your position or not, or they were in a

963
01:06:28.080 --> 01:06:34.160
more, in a position where, I don't know, I didn't know what position it would be in, but

964
01:06:35.040 --> 01:06:40.240
they, you, it, it still comes down to the fact that a person still has to make the choice.

965
01:06:41.200 --> 01:06:47.920
And, but I was telling someone about, about you the other day, I was talking to them about you.

966
01:06:47.920 --> 01:06:52.400
It was, it was someone within the group and I promise I did not reveal anything, you know,

967
01:06:52.400 --> 01:06:55.920
that you've told me in private. It was all public stuff that you've talked about

968
01:06:55.920 --> 01:06:59.600
in the community Q and A's or on your post or whatever. And they were talking, oh, you know,

969
01:07:00.240 --> 01:07:04.880
Carrie's done this and Carrie Snow overcomes, and I was telling them, I said, I know that you

970
01:07:04.880 --> 01:07:10.160
remember. I said, do you remember what it is that she went through? I said, I said, I said,

971
01:07:10.160 --> 01:07:16.560
you've got to understand that your situation isn't just because it looks different than Carrie's.

972
01:07:17.440 --> 01:07:20.560
And I don't remember what the situation is because, you know, everybody thinks their

973
01:07:20.560 --> 01:07:25.920
situation is smarter. And I don't remember that they, they're, I don't know that they

974
01:07:25.920 --> 01:07:33.520
necessarily thought their situation was smarter. It was just, they couldn't see past it is all it

975
01:07:33.520 --> 01:07:38.080
was. And they weren't trying to devalue yours or theirs. They were just like, well, you know,

976
01:07:38.080 --> 01:07:42.320
Carrie seemed to overcome. Why can't I overcome? You know, what's wrong with me is kind of what

977
01:07:42.320 --> 01:07:48.400
their perspective was. And I had to explain, I was like, no, you've got to understand she had

978
01:07:48.400 --> 01:07:54.000
to still make that choice. And, and regardless of the persons of the events in someone's life and,

979
01:07:54.480 --> 01:08:02.000
and what, what circumstances that they're in, they, we all still have to make the choice.

980
01:08:02.800 --> 01:08:09.840
And, and, and it, it's just as hard for each one of us because it's a leap into the absolute

981
01:08:09.840 --> 01:08:15.360
unknown. I said, so on the outside, I said, it looks like, oh, wow. Yeah. Carrie, you know,

982
01:08:15.360 --> 01:08:22.800
Carrie, you know, she, she shifted into rats and all of that. I said, exactly. I said,

983
01:08:22.800 --> 01:08:27.920
and, and I told them, I said, and you do understand what, what helped her as to what

984
01:08:27.920 --> 01:08:35.760
helped Carrie do it is the fact that she was so desperate. She gambled everything. I said,

985
01:08:35.760 --> 01:08:41.439
that is what is required of everyone, regardless of their situation. That's what was required of me.

986
01:08:42.000 --> 01:08:48.960
And it's just that each person's everything that they have to gamble just looks different.

987
01:08:48.960 --> 01:08:53.359
Their basket of things looks different, what's in their basket, but everyone has to gamble the

988
01:08:53.359 --> 01:09:01.120
entire basket. And so anyway, I was just, I was just, lack of a better phrase, I was bragging on

989
01:09:01.120 --> 01:09:09.520
you. Encouraging someone else with the fact that, hey, look, someone else did it. And they,

990
01:09:09.520 --> 01:09:14.080
and so someone else, you can be encouraged that someone else has walked this path before you,

991
01:09:14.160 --> 01:09:20.800
not just me, but Carrie and other people. And this is how they did it. It looks pretty on the outset,

992
01:09:20.800 --> 01:09:25.520
but when you're in it, you know, you understand between you and the Lord how to gamble everything.

993
01:09:28.000 --> 01:09:31.920
I don't remember why I was telling you that, but maybe to just encourage you that,

994
01:09:32.960 --> 01:09:41.040
that you've done an absolutely, you know, amazing job in your willingness to,

995
01:09:41.920 --> 01:09:48.560
you know, to do whatever it is that you needed to do to follow the Lord. And that's not easy.

996
01:09:49.439 --> 01:09:54.240
You have to gamble everything, everything internally, everything externally.

997
01:09:55.760 --> 01:09:59.280
And it's just this leap of faith. Maybe that's what I was talking about.

998
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:05.520
I was talking about the leap of faith, you know, and when you're like, but there doesn't

999
01:10:05.520 --> 01:10:07.840
look like there's anything to catch me on the other side.

1000
01:10:07.840 --> 01:10:08.840
I'm like, exactly.

1001
01:10:08.840 --> 01:10:15.800
That's why, that's why we go by God's word, because he's a sure thing.

1002
01:10:15.800 --> 01:10:20.640
And why he talks so much in the Bible about his word, he says, my words do not come out

1003
01:10:20.640 --> 01:10:25.720
and return to me void, but they always accomplish that, which I set them out to do, you know,

1004
01:10:25.720 --> 01:10:31.400
and where he talks in Hebrews, I don't remember which chapter, maybe it's Hebrews six, where

1005
01:10:31.400 --> 01:10:33.840
he says that he was so concerned.

1006
01:10:33.840 --> 01:10:34.840
Okay.

1007
01:10:34.840 --> 01:10:42.120
I'm paraphrasing here, but in order to, he didn't allow Abraham to be part of the covenant.

1008
01:10:42.120 --> 01:10:49.280
He allowed Abraham to be the third party beneficiary, but God made guarantee with himself, God set

1009
01:10:49.280 --> 01:10:54.600
himself up as the guarantee that he would do something because he needed to ensure that

1010
01:10:54.600 --> 01:10:58.520
it would actually be done.

1011
01:10:58.520 --> 01:11:03.240
So in other words, his word, yeah, highly recommend that you go read Hebrews six, it's

1012
01:11:03.240 --> 01:11:04.240
absolutely fascinating.

1013
01:11:04.240 --> 01:11:09.240
He put himself up as the guarantor because he said he could find nothing else by which

1014
01:11:09.240 --> 01:11:13.080
to swear other than his name, other than himself.

1015
01:11:13.080 --> 01:11:16.880
So he said he swore on himself because it was the only thing that was sure enough in

1016
01:11:16.880 --> 01:11:21.360
existence that would, to use as a guarantee.

1017
01:11:21.360 --> 01:11:33.680
Because even Abraham, with his faith in the Lord, was not a sure one.

1018
01:11:33.680 --> 01:11:38.640
So anyway, my point is that God's word is that sure, and he always talks about that.

1019
01:11:38.640 --> 01:11:44.360
So already given us multiple, he talks about it just all throughout scripture, that we

1020
01:11:44.360 --> 01:11:48.560
can trust his word because he's fully aware that's all we're stepping out on.

1021
01:11:49.080 --> 01:11:54.320
So we talked a lot about how we could know and be assured that it's strong enough to

1022
01:11:54.320 --> 01:11:57.960
sustain us if we step out on it.

1023
01:11:57.960 --> 01:11:58.960
And you've done that.

1024
01:11:58.960 --> 01:12:00.720
And that's no small thing.

1025
01:12:00.720 --> 01:12:06.000
Most people, I mean, you know, most people by far who've ever have existed have not done

1026
01:12:06.000 --> 01:12:08.000
what you've done.

1027
01:12:08.000 --> 01:12:09.480
And so it's hard.

1028
01:12:09.480 --> 01:12:12.040
And I wanted to just, you know, commend you for that.

1029
01:12:12.040 --> 01:12:17.680
And so you have another opportunity to step out in this and understand that because most

1030
01:12:17.800 --> 01:12:21.840
other people, most of the people come to this threshold, they're like, no, I don't want

1031
01:12:21.840 --> 01:12:24.760
to do it because it is this hard.

1032
01:12:24.760 --> 01:12:27.840
And so I want to make sure that that is very clear.

1033
01:12:27.840 --> 01:12:31.960
It is this extremely, extremely difficult.

1034
01:12:31.960 --> 01:12:40.640
So don't devalue your decision, the weight of your decision.

1035
01:12:40.640 --> 01:12:46.480
Yeah, it's just, I mean, I never thought of it, though, in the parallel of, you know,

1036
01:12:46.520 --> 01:12:50.040
I went into my relationship with the Lord with reckless abandon and literally just threw

1037
01:12:50.040 --> 01:12:51.040
everything to the wind.

1038
01:12:51.560 --> 01:12:58.280
And I've never thought about the parallel to marriage, to, you know, it feels it feels

1039
01:12:58.280 --> 01:13:06.480
so terrifying to just to just go like all in and to just be vulnerable and to just go

1040
01:13:06.480 --> 01:13:07.480
the whole way, you know.

1041
01:13:07.480 --> 01:13:11.440
But at the same time, you know, has God failed me in this journey?

1042
01:13:11.440 --> 01:13:12.440
Absolutely not.

1043
01:13:12.480 --> 01:13:19.480
And it gives me a lot of faith and courage to to have the same, you know, to have the

1044
01:13:19.480 --> 01:13:21.280
same thing in our marriage, too.

1045
01:13:23.000 --> 01:13:28.240
So I'm glad that you see it like that, because that's exactly the way you should see it.

1046
01:13:28.240 --> 01:13:31.440
I'm just glad that that's an encouragement to you.

1047
01:13:32.640 --> 01:13:35.280
Yeah. Well, thanks so much.

1048
01:13:35.400 --> 01:13:39.240
My goodness, you're probably like this is yeah, I was like, you know, I don't know what

1049
01:13:39.400 --> 01:13:42.600
she's going to think of all of my deep problems, but I'm just here we go.

1050
01:13:42.840 --> 01:13:46.240
I mean, I'm sure it's not every evening you get you get the full scoop on marriage

1051
01:13:46.240 --> 01:13:47.520
problems and everything else.

1052
01:13:47.520 --> 01:13:50.120
But thanks for dealing with it so graciously.

1053
01:13:51.080 --> 01:13:54.760
Oh, you're welcome. You'd be shocked at what people talk to you about.

1054
01:13:54.760 --> 01:14:01.040
Now, not my I mean, I have had clients talk to me about deep marital issues, you know,

1055
01:14:01.040 --> 01:14:02.520
like even intimacy issues.

1056
01:14:02.520 --> 01:14:10.240
But yeah, I mean, I've had people, you know, outside that my client group who struggled

1057
01:14:10.240 --> 01:14:15.320
with things like that talk to me about like all kind of like sexual addictions or the

1058
01:14:15.320 --> 01:14:20.480
fact that they can't intimate they struggle having intimacy with their partner unless

1059
01:14:20.480 --> 01:14:21.800
they imagine a threesome.

1060
01:14:21.840 --> 01:14:23.240
I mean, like fantasies.

1061
01:14:23.240 --> 01:14:26.800
I mean, the struggles that they have that they're like, how do I you know, how do I

1062
01:14:26.800 --> 01:14:32.080
deal with it? So I for someone who's never been married, I hear a shocking amount.

1063
01:14:33.120 --> 01:14:40.120
I get all kinds of all kinds of healthy things and all kinds of perversions.

1064
01:14:40.120 --> 01:14:47.840
And yeah, I'm sure, you know, all kinds of things as far as, you know, becoming or

1065
01:14:47.840 --> 01:14:49.560
understanding sexuality more.

1066
01:14:49.560 --> 01:14:58.440
Do you have any like resources or I mean, where how do I even begin to because I know

1067
01:14:58.440 --> 01:14:59.920
I mean, I know that I do not have a.

1068
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:04.800
give you a sexuality at all i mean sexuality was an extremely shameful thing growing up

1069
01:15:04.800 --> 01:15:10.960
and it was always there was nothing there was nothing pure and holy about sexuality at all ever

1070
01:15:11.600 --> 01:15:18.240
in our home like growing up yeah but you know where do you begin to unlearn or where do you

1071
01:15:18.240 --> 01:15:27.840
begin to start getting the correct perspective of sexuality um you know i don't have a book

1072
01:15:27.840 --> 01:15:32.640
that i or you know i'm trying to think of things you know i don't have a book that i'm aware of

1073
01:15:33.280 --> 01:15:37.440
i mean i know that there are them that there are books and i know that there are christian books

1074
01:15:37.440 --> 01:15:45.120
that that talk about sexuality you might want to just kind of google that you know some phrases

1075
01:15:45.120 --> 01:15:50.080
um you know say something about christian and then women's sexuality or something like that

1076
01:15:50.080 --> 01:15:55.760
or healthy women's sexuality maybe that christian okay women's healthy sexuality and see what comes

1077
01:15:55.840 --> 01:16:02.240
up and read some i read some things i'm afraid i don't have anything off the top of my head

1078
01:16:02.240 --> 01:16:08.560
yeah that's totally fine i don't have anything that i've ever read uh it's just something that

1079
01:16:08.560 --> 01:16:13.920
the lord that i just you know it's just one of those things that i just know in the spirit

1080
01:16:13.920 --> 01:16:20.320
but i've never actually read about it it's even things in myself that god has had to address

1081
01:16:20.320 --> 01:16:27.520
because even though i'm not married because because like you i didn't grow up with a healthy

1082
01:16:27.520 --> 01:16:32.000
view of sexuality so i just thought it was all shame and it's all evil and it's all whatever

1083
01:16:32.000 --> 01:16:38.400
but at the same time it was needed for procreation and and you know and married people seem to you

1084
01:16:38.400 --> 01:16:43.040
know at least some married people you know seem to like it you know or you're or everyone thinks

1085
01:16:43.040 --> 01:16:48.000
you're supposed to like it and so there's this very weird threshold on the day you get married

1086
01:16:48.000 --> 01:16:53.200
at which some point all of a sudden you're supposed to you're you're even you know people's

1087
01:16:53.200 --> 01:16:58.720
mothers suddenly start giving them advice and encourage them on things that is a lot to lay on

1088
01:16:58.720 --> 01:17:05.600
a on a woman or man on the night that they're you know that they get married we yeah they're

1089
01:17:05.600 --> 01:17:10.080
supposed to suddenly change their whole mindset you know yeah well we when we were dating we were

1090
01:17:10.080 --> 01:17:15.280
required to not even we were required not to hold hands like completely physically nothing

1091
01:17:15.280 --> 01:17:19.440
and it was extremely traumatizing going from that to like boom okay now you need to go consummate

1092
01:17:19.440 --> 01:17:25.200
your marriage you know and it's like extremely traumatizing or it was anyway and it's like i

1093
01:17:25.200 --> 01:17:29.360
don't see how those two worlds can reconcile to where all of a sudden it's like nothing until

1094
01:17:29.360 --> 01:17:35.040
all of a sudden boom it has to be everything yeah i'm sorry but that just did not work very well

1095
01:17:35.680 --> 01:17:40.880
no that makes complete sense and again that's one of the things the lord's had to

1096
01:17:41.360 --> 01:17:46.640
had to reveal to me because i read the whole i could stay to get by book just like everybody else

1097
01:17:50.240 --> 01:17:59.360
yeah like oh wait a minute i know and um yeah yeah i yeah the lord's really had to teach me

1098
01:18:00.480 --> 01:18:04.240
all kinds of things so related to that

1099
01:18:05.200 --> 01:18:13.440
again relationships with guys with guys and like i don't know just things i wouldn't i don't know

1100
01:18:14.000 --> 01:18:18.800
that i did not think that i would i don't know i didn't know how to try how to say what i'm trying

1101
01:18:18.800 --> 01:18:24.080
to say but yeah i've had to that's had to start already teaching me some things so i'll have a

1102
01:18:24.080 --> 01:18:30.400
more healthy perspective um which is something that we should have all grown up with as opposed

1103
01:18:30.400 --> 01:18:35.840
to me just learning it now so it's not like oh i'm learning things outside of the scope of

1104
01:18:35.840 --> 01:18:40.800
marriage that i should be learning in marriage no there's a healthiness that i we should have

1105
01:18:40.800 --> 01:18:48.240
all grown up with now how you introduce a child to that at the appropriate time and not too early

1106
01:18:48.240 --> 01:18:54.080
well then that's one thing but um but uh you know just talk about when and when you do introduce

1107
01:18:54.080 --> 01:19:00.480
them to it that it we should have had a healthy perspective as opposed to shame until the night

1108
01:19:00.480 --> 01:19:05.040
of your wedding or until you know you're going to the doctor before your wedding and they're

1109
01:19:05.040 --> 01:19:09.280
and you're the gynecologist is talking to you about different birth control options and you're

1110
01:19:09.280 --> 01:19:15.280
like oh my word you know which one do you want you know which one does your fiance want you to

1111
01:19:15.280 --> 01:19:24.480
have and you're like oh my word i have to have that discussion you know yes exactly yeah like

1112
01:19:24.480 --> 01:19:30.560
to do i want a what a what ring and o-ring and i have to ask him if he wants that or if he wants

1113
01:19:31.520 --> 01:19:32.320
it

1114
01:19:44.320 --> 01:19:49.120
oh man you articulated perfectly i tell you what you know this very timid shy

1115
01:19:49.120 --> 01:19:54.320
sheltered little mennonite girl and then all of a sudden i was like yeah i was culture shock yeah

1116
01:19:54.320 --> 01:19:59.760
but total side note but you know then the chinese culture they will

1117
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:07.440
Men or women, depending on the culture, will sit outside the marriage chamber to ensure

1118
01:20:07.440 --> 01:20:14.560
the consummation of the marriage. Isn't that horrid? And in some cultures, they bring out a

1119
01:20:14.560 --> 01:20:22.880
sheet as proof of her virginity. Wow. Okay. Yeah. It wasn't as traumatizing as I thought then.

1120
01:20:22.880 --> 01:20:31.280
They do that in Indian culture. Even though it's still practiced. Oh yeah, in Asian Indian

1121
01:20:31.280 --> 01:20:39.280
culture. Now, not everybody does it, but you know enough. And the Asian Indian culture,

1122
01:20:39.280 --> 01:20:46.320
some of them do it. They do it in Asian, in like Chinese culture, some Korean culture.

1123
01:20:47.120 --> 01:20:57.840
In the Korean that I've seen, it was women. Now, I saw this on a movie, and it was the women

1124
01:20:57.840 --> 01:21:05.760
doing, sitting outside. And then for Indian, I heard that it's the men that sit outside.

1125
01:21:05.760 --> 01:21:09.920
But anyway, and then of course you remember it. They talked about this in Israel as well.

1126
01:21:10.640 --> 01:21:16.240
Right. Yeah, that spill. I mean, sorry to be graphic, but you know,

1127
01:21:16.240 --> 01:21:22.800
he actually did not consummate it with her and let his seed spill on the ground. You remember that?

1128
01:21:22.800 --> 01:21:30.160
And that was just a horrible violation. Right. Well, people were like, people, how did anyone

1129
01:21:30.160 --> 01:21:41.200
know that? You know, anyway. Oh my goodness. Wow. Well, thank you so much though for taking

1130
01:21:41.200 --> 01:21:48.960
the time to talk. And you have no idea how much it means. My goodness. Yeah. It really meant a

1131
01:21:48.960 --> 01:21:54.160
lot. But it sounded like you had a busy evening of calls and stuff. So I appreciate your time.

1132
01:21:54.160 --> 01:21:58.640
That was weird. I had all of this time, and then all of a sudden I had all of these calls. It was

1133
01:21:58.640 --> 01:22:03.760
very strange. Totally fine. I was able to rest while I didn't get sleep part of it all last

1134
01:22:03.760 --> 01:22:08.000
night. So I was able to sleep in between, you know, waiting here back for you. So it all worked

1135
01:22:08.000 --> 01:22:14.000
out like it always does. I'm glad. Well, it was good to talk to you, Curie. I'm glad you reached

1136
01:22:14.000 --> 01:22:21.440
out. Yeah, thanks so much again for your time. Are you traveling all night or just to a destination

1137
01:22:21.440 --> 01:22:27.280
tonight? I'm traveling to Houston, and then I'll be in Houston for a week and a half. And then

1138
01:22:28.800 --> 01:22:34.000
yeah, so I'm trying to think. Yeah, I'll be in Houston for a week and a half. And I should be,

1139
01:22:34.000 --> 01:22:42.080
I should arrive in about, I don't know, 45 minutes, maybe. Okay. So I'm almost there. I'm

1140
01:22:42.080 --> 01:22:48.160
already in Houston. Okay. Wow. Very good. All right. Well, I will let you go. And thanks again

1141
01:22:48.160 --> 01:22:53.920
so much for the time to walk me through all of this stuff. It really means a lot. You're welcome.

1142
01:22:53.920 --> 01:22:59.200
I hope you have a good night. Thank you. You too. All right. Well, I will let you go.

1143
01:23:00.960 --> 01:23:04.800
We'll talk to you later. Bye.