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How has your first week at work been?

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It's been good.

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It's been good.

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Yeah.

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I mean, yeah, I feel like it's been really good, you know, considering all the things

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that, you know, a first week of work in terms of transition, I mean, there's definitely

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been a few moments that I'm a bit glazed over with the office work type stuff that I'm not,

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that's not my thing at all.

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I'm not administrative.

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I can be administrative when I'm passionate enough about something, I really put my mind

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to it.

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It's just not where I naturally flow the most, but there's enough interacting with people,

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which is my jam, that I can get through the administrative things I need to do, you know,

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I mean, we're talking about like, I really don't care about Medicare, really doesn't

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excite me.

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That's not really like what I have to do, but I have to just kind of get an overall

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awareness of certain things in the system and, and you know, how things function.

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And so there's that, but like, at the same time, there's all this, you know, ease to

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where I feel, I feel comfortable, I feel like it's, it's really a thing, you know, when

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you know, something's going to happen, but you're also you haven't quite experienced

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it yet.

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So you're not, you know, yeah, it's working out, you know, where it's now proving to be

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working out, where it's like, this is what they said they were offering me was very loose

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in terms of because we've been, you know, colleagues in the past, and I've known each

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other for a long time, it was not this big formal thing.

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They were like, we'll get paperwork worked out, you know, whenever no big deal.

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So I just really trusted that.

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But it seems like they're legitimately, you know, they want to make sure they get me the

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full time hours and they want to, you know, just not be overbearing or micromanaging,

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even though it's a challenge to bring somebody new into your small business, and, you know,

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they're really inviting me, you know, in a big way and speaking highly of me to their

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patients and others that come in.

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And so that's cool.

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You know,

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that's good.

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I'm excited for you.

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Yeah, I'm sorry that you can't see my face better.

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I'm at a park.

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Okay.

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So as long as you're saying, yeah, I'm safe, thankfully, it's I'm staying kind of in a

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better lit area.

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Not that it's a pretty safe park, but yeah, but you're with the Lord is fine.

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I'm sitting on a fountain, whatever that means, Lord.

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Yeah, there's there's this really cool structure at this park that I've taken pictures up before,

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family photos, and then I didn't ever notice this had water.

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It's like a big rock, but there's water coming up from it tonight that isn't always turned

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on, I guess.

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And so I'm sitting on it, which is peaceful, but yeah, so it's good to see you.

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How are you?

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It's good to see you too.

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I'm doing good.

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That's a loaded question.

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I know.

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So really, that's like my least favorite question.

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So maybe I can reword that.

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How is the travel life going?

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Going good, good.

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I'm really enjoying it.

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I'm meeting, I'm adjusting.

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The Lord is just showing me, okay, if he has called me to travel, which there's so much

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entailed in that, it's wanting to honor the people that host me, it is making myself available

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to allow them to honor me in a way that they desire to, because just like I'm honoring

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them, they have a way in which they're wanting to pour into me as well.

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And then being there and doing my business and being there with my clients and making

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sure that I coordinate all of the schedules with the travel and all that, it's just the

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learning curve.

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And there's nothing wrong with any of it, and it's all perfectly fine.

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It's just that I realized I was running into some things that felt like, okay, well, I

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had a schedule and I had a way of doing things, but now I'm adding a very interesting dynamic

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to it by now taking it on the road and not just that, it's being in other people's homes.

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That's really the thing, because then you're not just on your own time.

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time. Yes. You're trying to honor their time as well and try to coordinate stuff

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in any way. But yeah, it's all good. It's just that that's a very

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interesting dynamic currently. Yes, because you're almost working from

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vacation in a sense. I mean, because it's not home. So yeah, you know, they can make

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you feel as at home as they can, but it's still a completely new environment that

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doesn't feel home to you. Yes, exactly. We're having to learn everything and

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making sure that, I don't know, and then making sure that I relax and that I

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trust them that I'm not a burden or that I'm not, that they enjoy having me in

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their home, that they, whatever, as opposed to, oh my goodness, I want to try to make sure to

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stay out of their way. You know, that can, you know, that's another

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thing that I was used to traveling in such strife that I now am not

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needing to learn to travel and be a guest in rest. So it's a new method for us.

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Guest in rest. This is your guest in rest invitation. Be my guest, be my guest.

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That's right. That's going to have to be one of my theme songs on the road. And that's one of the really neat things is God will sometimes talk to me in songs and he'll give me little theme songs.

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No, he loves that. He loves doing that. I'm convinced. Yeah, the song that he gave me

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last night when I went to bed was I See the Light. Mmm, I love that. Yeah, from, you

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know, Tangled. And I had, oh, were you talking about a different one? Maybe

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there's another I See the Light, but I love it. This is the one from, like, Mandy Moore, you know,

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where she, like, where the, where, you know, Rapunzel, like, lets the lantern, you know.

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So good. Yeah, that's really sweet. And that's odd because that's not a song that I really know or

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listen to. And I was talking to the Lord about something and asking him a question and asking

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that he would meet me and talk to me. And boom, he gave me that song. I was like, why that song?

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What is that song even about? So I had to Google it. I have a music app. I have the Napster slash

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Rhapsody app. And so I looked it up on there. And so I could listen to it because I thought

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God has a message in it for me. So what is he trying to say? And so that was,

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that was very special. So anyway, totally random little private trailer.

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I love that. I love that all the time. And I, he does that to me so often that it's,

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it's truly one of my joys in my relationship with him, like how we speak so much through music. And

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I love hearing that I'm not the only one because I feel a little bit over the top sometimes.

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No, are you kidding? It's wonderful.

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I just really kind of dropped that for a long time and really just felt like this imposter

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syndrome. Like, who am I? I'm not really an artist. I'm not really a musician. Like,

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I'm not doing any of the things I used to do. And I'm so rusty and blah, blah, blah.

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But he was just bringing it all back in, in worship. And so it's neat. Yeah. So just embrace.

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Yes. So what's going on?

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Um, so I know it's late and I don't want to be forever, but, um, the, the,

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I didn't mean for it to land tonight. Like I said, I didn't plan for that. I've been thinking

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the past few days have been so nonstop with the new schedule and job and then all of the,

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the kids and the legal stuff and everything going on on top of that. It's just been

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so nonstop. So, uh, just trying to feed modestly when I have them. Um, so it's all good,

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but I intended to reach out sooner and just kind of know, what am I just talk? That's,

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that's as simple as it is because sometimes I feel like it's a season where I'm learning to

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just sort of rely on, well, rely on Holy spirit and, and the people that he's placed there and

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the conversations that come through flowing with that, where it doesn't have to be so coordinated.

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And I don't have to doubt our question or even necessarily always have a plan, but just more

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learning how to do life with, um, which I've done that with people, you know, more locally because

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it's you're together and it's easier. Oh,

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there you are. Okay. Oh, it like cut out. I'm so sorry. Let's see if it's gonna, if it doesn't.

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that again I'll try to go to a different area. But a lot of these are just more more long-distance

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relationships that he has me just trusting right now which ends up being this conversation and

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trusting that things are going to come out of it because I'm I'm already committed to doing

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life with these people and trusting when when he did that he knew what he was doing and what

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was coming. So the point is that everything that you kind of have known that that led us up to now

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I'm not sure where we left off exactly but just I remember talking about the I remember you saying

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I would love to talk sometime about specifically the uh that you understood the kind of person

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that I was that I'm in this co-parenting relationship with. I mean also obviously my

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ex-husband but like that you understand that narcissistic thing and that you would you know

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be willing to talk about that at some point. I remember that a couple weeks ago and I remember

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um I don't know if you said that there there there are boundaries or just certain things

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maybe that you've learned with with that and I don't know how that a lot of that fits in with

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rest and what we're all we're talking about with rest but there's that piece and then there's the

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very practical spiritual merger of everything's moving so fast right now but it's like in rest

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it's in a new level of reliance on him but it's literally in terms of time it's happening so

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quickly in a matter of days in a couple weeks and so before I feel like I just need to give

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like update you a quick on the backstory because of the practical things because we always know

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you're going to be able to bring spiritual stuff into it right away but the practical is moved so

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quickly where I talked to my attorney I believe I shared that with you but I don't even know if

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I updated you on that did I? I don't know what what did you talk to him about? Well just that

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I had even talked to my attorney about next steps and finally gotten in touch with her after like

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four months of COVID and then the mediation and the kind of the plan of what's next and that

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intersecting with like we were talking about schooling and education decisions which I know

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you and I at least touched on that topic because I was beginning to try to work with him and the

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conversations were not going well but then what ended up happening is that he flipped again from

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he wanted you know control still wasn't letting me have a voice which is not anything new we're

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very used to that but I have to still go through the steps to try even though it's such a pattern

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that he will shut me down to try to make the schooling decision with him and then we made

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this appeal after talking after getting offered the job and then talking to my attorney because

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in between the night I got the job and talking to my attorney two days later he switched his mind

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he changed his mind and said he wants to send them to school after he just told me three days prior

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that you know he thinks this is best to do remote learning because of these reasons and I agreed I

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was trying to be agreeable and I do agree that the instability of COVID going back and forth and

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they're just going to keep changing it and that's really hard on the kids not to know what's going

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on so I'd rather have that structure and to build some stability with them right now than send them

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back and forth well then he changed it and said that you know he thought he was really he was

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considering sending them back to the hybrid schedule which is like part-time half days

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because it's really wearing on us to be home together so much so then you know and that's

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again that's understandable but I highlight that phrase because I'm the mama I'm sitting right here

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going okay you know that that makes sense yeah I'm sure I'm sure it is wearing on him to hold

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on so tightly to control and have a baby mama over here with a three-year-old and then another

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baby mama of stepchildren that aren't technically stepchildren but that he's you know dating

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seriously this woman and practically calling you know them stepfamily and saying he wants to marry

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her and things like that so now it's like five kids in the mix and a practice that he's trying

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to run and he just got a new Corvette evidently because he had to stop he got to stop paying me

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so he put that money right the month that he stopped paying any support to me and to buy a

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Corvette an old Corvette or something and it's just it's all image for him sadly you know right

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now where he's at it's all about how he can puff himself up and feel and look better to other

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people and look like he's got it all but the point is is that when he said it's wearing on us I'm

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thinking yeah I'm sure it's

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really hard. I know what it's like to be a full-time mama, stay at home mom, and I know

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that you're running a business, but he's trying to push me out as if he's got it, and he kept

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saying, I'm homeschooling the girls. I will be doing the homeschooling, and even through the

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conversation back and forth that I tried to have over writing, he forced it to be text conversation,

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then he put the thumbs down emoji on anything that I said about making decisions together,

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and then he refused to communicate further, and so now he wants to make this big change,

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so I went to my attorney, and I said, I do really feel like this is the time for legal advice,

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because I don't know what my options are here, and they decided for sure that the district is

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not even going back to school, so his option that he tried to switch to isn't even an option,

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but it still doesn't resolve the problem that we are not communicating. He won't let me help

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make the decision, and when I wrote the email, because my attorney said basically,

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last-ditch effort, you know, make an appeal, write him the email saying what you're willing to do,

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why you want to help, you know, it's all about the girls, you know, and how you can help them

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through this, and it is, so I really thought a lot about how I was going to form that and articulate

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that during New Mexico while I was on vacation, and did that and sent that, and it was like

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basically saying in between there, I found out that my job was willing to even let me have two

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days a week that are lighter days that I could even bring the girls in with me to just do

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paperwork while no one else is in the office, like it's a family, you know, practice, basically the

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same as what my ex-husband has, yeah, like he can't even argue with it because he's doing the

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same thing with them on his time, you know, but that I could school them two days a week

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and still work full-time, as in I have options where I can help out with them in this whole

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season of no school COVID, and I have a teaching degree and experience in these grade levels and

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all this, and so it's interesting that he's saying I'm going to homeschool them, and I will be the

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one doing it all when I'm at the educator, like I'm over here, like, but I taught second and fourth

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grade, and our children are going into those grades, and it makes zero sense that he does not

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want to, he just doesn't want to give me any room, any validation, or for the court to think

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that I have any, you know, that if he gives me any more time or any say, then he's affirming me

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in some way as a mother, and therefore there's no argument that, you know, for the custody, really,

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for him in the end, that way, like that's, he's trying to prevent me from getting better, having

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more stable life with the court, seeing that there's no issue, like there's no problem, like

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he tries to make it out to be so that he can have the kids, but he doesn't even really want them.

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He just gives them to his parents all the time, so it's more of a control thing, so bottom line is

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control, control, control. I have all this compassion. I do forgive him all this, but my

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girls need me, and it doesn't change that fact, and so it's like living from a place of forgiveness

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and compassion, but realizing with someone with this tight of a grip on control, it's actually

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loving to help them since they cannot take their hand off of it themselves, you know, in a case

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like this with children, like he can't just constantly then, you know, have this power given

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to him. It's almost like the loving thing to do is to help him take his grip off because he's losing

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grip. He just can't admit it. He can't, for whatever reason, let go of it on his own and just

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say, hey, can we work together? Can you help me? Anything like that, so my attorney explained it,

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you know, he basically doesn't have boundaries, can't respect boundaries, and he runs over

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other people's boundaries so much that with a court order that would be very detailed that we need,

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he would have a line here that would actually tell him how far he can go, and it would in a big

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way relieve him of, see, it would take him out of the default of just going as far as he can

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possibly push because the line would be so clear that he couldn't push past it anymore, and with

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the court system, unless they spell that out, a person who struggles with this narcissistic

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thing will push past the boundary every time. They will take their cake and eat it, too. Like,

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they will take, and so she's like, you know, this will provide you this line or him a line to know

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how far he can go, and it also protects you because then you know how far he, how close he

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can get to you instead of always fearing that he's going to cross into your space to harm, you know,

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to bring harm, and so when we talked, she said basically she agrees that it's time and there's

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the need for mediation, which we've never

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done. Mediation is the next step because in the system the judge really has a hard time looking

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at a case for to flip everything without that effort but when that effort makes sense and then

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yeah naturally you know once that if that doesn't work that really says a lot because if it doesn't

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work that's on the fault of you know a person who is unwilling to make it work even when you've

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tried professional mediation then there's a true need for legal intervention and of course we hope

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that mediation works I mean we genuinely want that but it's just that my attorney said based on the

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you know I foresee 30 days and you know no no willingness to bend or compromise you know

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it's actually great news I mean it's just honestly you never want to okay but when you waited and

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your kids are suffering and waiting and you even wait for an entire year and then COVID hits and

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the legal system shuts down you wait an extra five months not even knowing where your children are

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during the day and he doesn't follow the order that says he has to do this or that or provide

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me this and such information and he has all these reins you know it's it's comforting to hear

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if he can't bend this is literally the last very last step like we're actually there in terms of

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what the Lord isn't promising me is is not anything bad for Sam just that that justice

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the restitution and recompense and and redemption that he is coming through for us that he does see

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it he he's not going to let it last forever he does see the need he has a plan in a variety of

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ways he showed me that and just had me hanging on and hanging on to that in faith and so to hear her

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say you know that would be the point that we would flip everything on its head and we would file

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a motion for a change to custody period you know was just a relief I mean I haven't even been able

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to speak to her in four or five months you know so all of that to hear her say that there's a

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plan and it's not just this indefinite thing is hard to explain you know but then within that the

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mediation required there's all these different pieces and moving parts because I had to send in

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the email defining you know just everything I'm willing to do for the girls how I'm willing to

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accommodate you know just reminding him like with with my you know experience in teaching that I can

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really provide them something that most families don't have right now and that I want to be able

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to do that and help bring them balance and help him to take the load off and he did not respond

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well or to that at all he just told me it's too late the decisions made didn't even address

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anything and then when I did what my attorney said and went back to him and said you know it's it's

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clear we're unable to come to decision together at this time and it would be appropriate to pursue

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mediation he came back again with you know if you want to waste your money that is not necessary

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if you would just blah blah blah this wouldn't be a problem you know all that so that's where

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it's been and in the meantime she told me to tell him within that same email I will if I don't hear

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from you within this number of days I will set up mediation you know please do let me know if

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there are any times that conflict or are better for you otherwise I'll base it on your work schedule

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and no no no replies to that just kept saying oh he right the last thing he wrote back was that oh

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the district changed their mind anyway so it looks like we're we're fine like as if he wants me to

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think there's no problem because the district decided on remote learning that just takes us

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back to where we were when I said okay that's our first step in determining the decisions for their

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education but it's not certainly not the last you know just because we know it's remote learning

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doesn't mean we know we've determined anything about how when why where you know anything and

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he does not want to include me in that and that's a big part of the decision and so how they're

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going to be educated um and so he just did not respond well to any of that and left it at you

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know well I guess we're going back to remote learning after all you know that's the last

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I've heard and in the meantime I looked into mediation as I was encouraged to research and

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there's very few options here for people that don't have a conflict with our case because

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attorneys can say they don't have to tell you why they have a conflict um one of the mediators

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we wanted the most has a conflict we don't know what it is conflict of interest um

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One's about to retire and one's so busy can't get into them. And so that kind of leaves us like one or two choices, literally. So when I called to schedule with them last Friday.

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They informed me that. So our court order says that he currently has. So we have joint decision making. But if we cannot come to a decision.

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He has final say, which gives them so much power pending mediation. Now, whoever requests mediation, which who would request it besides me, right, because he has all this power anyway. So whoever requested it, meaning me pays for it.

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So I was willing to do that. And I was trusting the Lord in that. And I mean, I still am. But at that point, I thought like an hour. I was thinking like an hourly rates. I don't know, like a counselor or I didn't realize it was like an attorney rate, like not an hourly rate.

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It's not like 125 $150 an hour like 265 an hour and which whatever, you know, just just money. But then they said it's an $800 retainer to get started. So that brings it to like a $1,300 immediate

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You know, costs like upfront costs and I'm still paying my attorney through all this

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I'm several hundred dollars a month. And, you know, I'm just getting started in the same job. So I'm like, okay. Oh, Lord. Okay. What do you want to do, what are we going to do next, because the whole thing is it's pressing like my attorney said, get in there.

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We want to get in for mediation ASAP you know school starts the 31st that's in 10 days from now. So this was last Friday, almost a week ago.

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So I was, you know,

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Praying try to get ahold of my attorney and

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The thing with her is that she will act on the phone conference like she's going to advocate. I was really encouraged like she was going to advocate for us. She's really

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Had a plan and all this, but then she'll disappear. Actually, like she'll completely fall off the map in the follow up to what she just the plan we just put in place and she won't

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She won't do it or she won't

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Respond to things to get it going, or I can't reach her. I can't get ahold of her to actually do what we just said. So it's like we go in circles like we waste

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I mean, this is, you know, we're again four and a half years in, especially the last year, I've noticed this pattern. And it's okay if she's tired. I would understand after four years that someone would be maybe tired of a case or not really that invested, you know, but I just haven't been able to get that

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Out of her know what my options would be. And so we're in this position where it's like trusting the Lord for mediation and the immediate

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And then I have a question about mediation for her that I've been trying to track her down for six days to result. And it's one question. I mean, it's one main question is, do we have the legal

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Is our paperwork sufficient to make sure he does mediation, because especially if I'm going to pay for the mediator said you, you want to make sure you have a court order for this now. It says in there.

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In our court order, but it's not the typical I guess way that they word it where they set you up with a mediator and require

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You to go and each party pays half the retainer. It's for ours. It's like we have this decision making in this clause to it where somebody can request mediation, but we don't have a court order for that.

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Does that mean he has to go. Am I going to give them money and then he decides not to go and then we go straight to trial.

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You know, I don't know. So that's the question I'm waiting on. But in the meantime, praise lots of praise is that like just in a few days of praying releasing and trusting him, you know, and, you know, calling on my small group of intercessors women that you know are close to me and our prayer warriors, just to

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You know, be lifting us up.

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We have like

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Well, we were offered

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The, the big chunk of the retainer from an organization within two like within a day of that beginning, which is huge, you know, just completely an answer to prayer like out of the blue.

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Had a zoom call schedule with them for other reasons. And this organization, the women who lead it. We were talking about

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Just ministry and collective and more of, you know, working collaborating together.

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And they were like, well, how's your custody stuff going because they both been through this exact thing. And that's why they started the organization. It's for women who have been abused or oppressed around the world. So they help women from

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Yeah, the, the woman who started it. She went through this, but on a public level with her ex husband, and it was actually in USA Today, where I met her because of her story came out USA Today.

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And so she has this person that I've looked up to for like, you know, almost five years and here

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And here we're talking on a very personal level about life and sharing stories and connecting ministry and then she's like, well, you know, our organization to me, you know, helped women

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bridges and

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and helps people when I told her, you know, just where we're at with with the next step in mediation

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and praying, you know, that God will provide. She was like, well, that's what we do in part,

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it's

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and I would really want to help you do this mediation. So that was huge. That's huge.

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It's

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So huge. Just like, yeah, so then that that was Tuesday afternoon. And a lot of the other piece

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of it was, you know, that as we look at needing potentially a different attorney to move forward,

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it's like, it's interesting, because I've been willing, so willing to wait, and I still am.

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But when you get to this place, where there's been so much waiting, there's been so much

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repetition, the patterns are really clear. And then the Lord brings you through this

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such transformation into this place where, I mean, there aren't other options. Like, as in,

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I don't think he's going to go back on his word. Like, I'm willing to wait longer, if that's what

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it looks like. But it's either wait and continue in what it's been, or this is the only

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next step, right? Like, we've actually reached a place where we know that the only option is

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to either keep going like we've been, or to do the mediation and move forward. You know, that's,

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it's hard to explain. Like, in so much time of not quite knowing what to do, or next steps,

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or having to wait longer, or wait months, or wait, you know, time to get in a court, or different

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things, to know that there's something immediate that needs to happen now, because of an immediate

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reason, and that that's the only route to create change, right? It just, it's like,

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it doesn't give me this out to be like, well, Lord, you know, maybe later. Maybe, you know,

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maybe you want this for me, but it's maybe just someday, you know? Like, maybe, you know,

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I just need to wait on you longer. That's kind of a backing away thing that I have,

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and would have done in the past, but it's just so clear that there isn't a later.

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You know, like, there's been that time. There's been all of that. It's, it's,

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now is now, I guess. Like, the time just isn't some future time, but it always, it has been for

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so long, in a way, that it's like, is it one of those? But it isn't. It isn't one of those. It

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isn't like a, we'll just sit on it kind of thing. I just feel like there's no, there's no option for

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that. It's truly like a believing that he's breaking through what does, what looks in some

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ways impossible, or like a kind of a mess, or whatever, but, but then my friend was like,

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what's $1,500? Like, what's, what's even several thousand dollars for you guys to have an attorney

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to, for this final push with everything you've already been through in five years? Like,

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the worst is way past. This is the time to press on, and to advocate for the girls,

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and not to sit back. Which, I guess what I'm saying to you is that that, that's very different.

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That's very different than where we've been for all this time. So it's almost like when you're

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breaking through into the promised land, and you just, you just know you can't turn back,

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and so that means faith in the new. You know, that means unprecedented

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times, and, and so just seeing him come through already within 24 hours of learning that with,

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you know, a true like chunk where we can do mediation. Like, I'm believing that,

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I'm believing for my attorney to reach back out tomorrow. I've tried to reach her this week,

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and talk to her assistant again today, and that we can reschedule mediation for next week,

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and that he's going to provide the rest of what's needed, you know, for it, for that to happen.

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Yeah, that's kind of the, there's, there's so many happenings that I know I had to say a lot,

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and there's so many pieces of it that are like trying to give you context, and if this, and then

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maybe this possibility, but that's, that's kind of where it's at. So I don't know if you have any

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thoughts thus far, or questions, or if anything comes to mind, but. Well, no, other than just go

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where your piece is at. Go where it is, you know, so we don't have to worry about, oh well, this is

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the only option, and this is the only way that this thing has to happen. That, that doesn't play

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a part in any of our decision making. It's wherever it is our piece is at. So, so if the

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Lord has, if you feel like, you know, like your job, you know, and how you got your job, if you

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feel that this is, that this is the direction that you, that your, that.

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your spirit, your peace is showing you this is where God will come through.

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In other words, we don't know how,

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we don't know what the process is going to be.

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We don't know what it's going to look like. If, you know,

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if it would look very, very smooth, but when I look ugly,

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if it would result in the type of thing that you'd want it to result in,

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we don't know.

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We don't know what part that this has in the larger

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picture of the, of the picture of the larger journey.

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But the thing is that that doesn't matter. What is God telling you to do?

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Where is God saying, Hey, look, let's, let's step into this together.

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This is the path I am going to meet you on.

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You're not in alone. You're not having to think,

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I've got to figure out how to do this on my own or whatever. God's like,

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I am going to prove. I am going to meet you on this path here.

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Where do you believe in your spirit that that path is that, and then go for it.

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And and anyway,

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so that's really all that you need to consider. You don't have to worry about,

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Oh my goodness. Well, Lord, you know,

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it looks like this is the only option or to look, even look at it as,

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well, Lord, this is so different than what we've been doing so far.

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And I know that I've been doing this other,

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but now I'm going to try and step out and do this. And,

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or it, or, you know, Lord, you told me that, that,

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for a long time ago that, that I should handle it a different way.

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And I've been doing that, but now I'm just like, Lord,

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I think we just need to do this. Well, you know,

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just because he told you to do one thing for a while,

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doesn't mean he's not going to say like, okay, but now it's time to do this.

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So in other words, wherever your piece is at is my whole point.

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My whole point is that all of the things that we use as logic in order to figure

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things out can now go by the wayside.

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If we don't want to have to operate a bunch of the tree of the knowledge of

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good and evil,

386
00:36:59.680 --> 00:37:02.120
and we don't have to figure it all out and make it all sound logical.

387
00:37:02.600 --> 00:37:08.000
Where does God say that where, where's your piece at? Where is it that you,

388
00:37:09.080 --> 00:37:11.800
that you believe that the,

389
00:37:11.840 --> 00:37:16.720
where does your spirit believe that God will come through now?

390
00:37:16.720 --> 00:37:20.720
What comes through looks like what it results in.

391
00:37:20.720 --> 00:37:24.280
We don't know, but where will God meet you?

392
00:37:24.280 --> 00:37:29.120
Where has God provided a way in which he promises that he

393
00:37:29.120 --> 00:37:34.000
has gone before you to sustain you on that particular

394
00:37:34.000 --> 00:37:35.240
path and on that particular journey?

395
00:37:36.280 --> 00:37:40.920
And that's really, that's a really good explanation of it.

396
00:37:40.920 --> 00:37:45.240
And it is, yeah, it is, it is this. And what's interesting is

397
00:37:50.760 --> 00:37:52.440
the shift of having one,

398
00:37:52.440 --> 00:37:56.880
having all this peace and having this movement and momentum and having it be

399
00:37:58.160 --> 00:38:02.320
so quick, like the alignment of, you know,

400
00:38:03.040 --> 00:38:03.920
in one way,

401
00:38:03.920 --> 00:38:07.920
it's just enormous joy and praise and kind of that

402
00:38:09.400 --> 00:38:11.480
mind blowing, like overwhelming, you know,

403
00:38:11.840 --> 00:38:16.240
love of God that you're experiencing all at once.

404
00:38:16.240 --> 00:38:21.120
It feels like, you know, and then it's happening so fast in time and,

405
00:38:21.360 --> 00:38:26.240
and, you know, I'm, I'm trying to, to ride,

406
00:38:26.600 --> 00:38:28.640
you know, ride it. And I am like, I'm,

407
00:38:28.680 --> 00:38:33.360
I'm relishing it in such a big way with him and just being and living it

408
00:38:33.360 --> 00:38:37.960
and, and receiving and, you know, sharing my heart with him and responding,

409
00:38:38.320 --> 00:38:41.440
you know, in praise and worship and emotion to all of that.

410
00:38:42.280 --> 00:38:46.720
Um, but then it's also, and in some ways it's, it's like that,

411
00:38:47.920 --> 00:38:52.520
that, that high of he's so amazing and he's just coming

412
00:38:52.520 --> 00:38:55.880
through and it's thing after thing is lining up all in this direction.

413
00:38:55.880 --> 00:38:57.080
Like in two weeks,

414
00:38:57.760 --> 00:39:02.320
he gives me a job that even allows me to be with my

415
00:39:02.320 --> 00:39:04.760
girls two days a week to change my schedule,

416
00:39:04.760 --> 00:39:06.760
to have healthy rhythms and life,

417
00:39:06.760 --> 00:39:11.400
but still have full time work to look stable for the courts,

418
00:39:11.400 --> 00:39:14.960
to be and feel more stable and these other ways. And, you know,

419
00:39:14.960 --> 00:39:18.720
leave out the question marks that I was living in, in some ways, um,

420
00:39:18.800 --> 00:39:21.840
which I'm thankful for that season of trust. Um, and it's still,

421
00:39:21.840 --> 00:39:26.360
I'm still having to trust in other ways, but just the, the, the, you know,

422
00:39:27.040 --> 00:39:31.560
alleviating that, that need for income for our family to live on. And then,

423
00:39:31.600 --> 00:39:34.200
and then, you know,

424
00:39:34.800 --> 00:39:39.040
sending us on our first trip to be able to enjoy time together in five years

425
00:39:39.200 --> 00:39:41.920
without him interfering, which was like a huge answer to prayer.

426
00:39:41.920 --> 00:39:46.200
And then all this thing's happening with me talking to my attorney and her

427
00:39:46.200 --> 00:39:50.840
actually having a plan and having the first conversation with her and moving

428
00:39:50.840 --> 00:39:55.320
toward, you know, mediation, starting a new job, having, you know,

429
00:39:55.800 --> 00:39:59.960
this connection with this organization, these women and having them offer.

430
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.000
you know and wanted to actually help in my specific situation because that's what they do

431
00:40:04.000 --> 00:40:11.680
and I didn't even realize that that was a piece of what they did um in there even though I know

432
00:40:11.680 --> 00:40:18.560
what they stand for and then you know but yet there's there's so there's all those joys and

433
00:40:18.560 --> 00:40:23.520
then but there's all that fast pace and then there's still the demands on me as a person

434
00:40:23.520 --> 00:40:29.680
living in a body to you know do do the things to do the things and so sometimes I think

435
00:40:30.640 --> 00:40:39.360
you know like I'm taking the steps and more and more in him but then if I sit back and I consider

436
00:40:39.360 --> 00:40:45.920
it just something that me and him are doing and you know don't know where it's gonna go or whatever

437
00:40:45.920 --> 00:40:52.400
it's it's like he's picking up the pace and so somehow rest can be picked up in pace and that

438
00:40:52.400 --> 00:40:59.600
means yes you know I'm working all day I'm doing these things and I'm called to a lot of action

439
00:40:59.600 --> 00:41:05.520
steps in where my piece is leading me like having that conversation with those ladies being

440
00:41:05.520 --> 00:41:11.520
vulnerable with them about my situation for them to even have the ability to offer that and want

441
00:41:11.520 --> 00:41:18.720
to meet that need for us you know and there's further steps that they do push on these places

442
00:41:18.720 --> 00:41:26.080
that he's sort of I can tell you know fathering me and if we want to say it and the terms that

443
00:41:26.080 --> 00:41:33.840
you like use like where I'm realizing you know there's there's this struggle to want to be needy

444
00:41:33.840 --> 00:41:42.720
or to to not want to be or feel needy because suddenly you know to open up about our situation

445
00:41:42.720 --> 00:41:48.640
where I feel like that's where he's opening the door is is various people that are close to me

446
00:41:48.640 --> 00:41:54.000
just in a few days time don't know each other you know are ones looked up and said you know

447
00:41:54.000 --> 00:42:01.600
there's these women's legal aid organizations and is encouraging me to which I've never done

448
00:42:01.600 --> 00:42:06.720
anything like that you know reached out for for legal aid and they're like no no that's okay and

449
00:42:06.720 --> 00:42:13.120
there's this part of me that's like no no like I'm like this is like I'm supposed to carry this

450
00:42:13.120 --> 00:42:20.000
you know like I shouldn't need anybody and you know my other friends going like there's so many

451
00:42:20.000 --> 00:42:24.400
people that don't know where to give because they don't even really have a local church right now

452
00:42:24.400 --> 00:42:29.040
and you're you and your girls have been through the worst already you're you're so close you're

453
00:42:29.040 --> 00:42:33.200
like this and if it were another woman or a woman in your collective what would you tell

454
00:42:33.200 --> 00:42:38.880
her and yet you're not wanting to be in need or vulnerable because of fear of man or fear

455
00:42:38.880 --> 00:42:43.840
of rejection or fear of whatever when really you have tons of people around you that you poured

456
00:42:43.840 --> 00:42:47.600
into that would want to support you even if it's in a small way and it could add up like

457
00:42:48.320 --> 00:42:53.120
talk to the lord about that because maybe he wants to come through this time

458
00:42:54.000 --> 00:42:59.680
in restoring your faith in his his body and his people you know and and your ability to

459
00:42:59.920 --> 00:43:08.160
to be be vulnerable to to open up to that which you know I have in private to you like you know

460
00:43:08.720 --> 00:43:13.920
that my financial situation like I didn't it was vulnerable for me not to pay you what I

461
00:43:15.840 --> 00:43:19.680
feel like I want to and what I will and you know what I mean in that moment that was a really huge

462
00:43:19.680 --> 00:43:26.160
step but to do that on a broader scale like I already had to open myself up to people's opinions

463
00:43:26.160 --> 00:43:32.560
people's opinions to people's like judgment to people's like shaming like even among believers

464
00:43:32.560 --> 00:43:36.960
like because we were so vulnerable we were literally put out on the street and told to

465
00:43:36.960 --> 00:43:42.160
get to a shelter like you're in a really abusive situation and called emergency court hearings and

466
00:43:42.160 --> 00:43:48.720
I landed in the hospital I mean this is not a small thing it's like a scarlet letter in some

467
00:43:48.720 --> 00:43:52.240
ways and I know that that's not what I wear anymore but it's just that there's some of those

468
00:43:52.240 --> 00:43:57.520
symptoms in my heart of like or even my house church parents you know like the fact that

469
00:43:57.520 --> 00:44:02.640
they're really loving and I don't understand all the ways and the reasons maybe that they're not

470
00:44:02.640 --> 00:44:08.000
offering themselves right now but I don't know if I am supposed to be vulnerable with them or if I'm

471
00:44:09.280 --> 00:44:16.080
not supposed to ask for any help because there's this tug I don't know what it is of okay who are

472
00:44:16.080 --> 00:44:20.480
the people you know one thing that Rachel said she's like you know you can just invite maybe it

473
00:44:20.480 --> 00:44:26.240
looks like you know and pray about ask the lord but inviting you know your safe people as in the

474
00:44:26.240 --> 00:44:32.000
people you have a huge group of friends and community like inviting them into this to pull

475
00:44:32.000 --> 00:44:38.320
together or whatever and that means I don't have to invite people into it that I that know my ex

476
00:44:38.320 --> 00:44:43.600
husband or that have been judgmental in the past or that I don't feel safe with like that's an

477
00:44:43.600 --> 00:44:47.520
option too where it doesn't have to be all or nothing just because there's a few people that

478
00:44:47.520 --> 00:44:53.760
have been they haven't understood actually like they haven't been through trauma to this degree

479
00:44:54.560 --> 00:44:59.920
on any level they just they don't understand even as believers or they don't have the

480
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:06.000
ability to empathize or for whatever reason they don't, they're wonderful, but they just don't,

481
00:45:06.000 --> 00:45:12.720
they're not safe for us right now to be completely honest and vulnerable with because they have these

482
00:45:12.720 --> 00:45:18.720
opinions that aren't helpful or, you know, they don't respond in helpful ways. So it's trying to

483
00:45:18.720 --> 00:45:23.840
work through that, like how I literally can't do this alone. And the timeframe is such that

484
00:45:23.840 --> 00:45:32.080
I'm supposed to invite Holy Spirit to do what he's doing and flow with him, but then there's

485
00:45:32.080 --> 00:45:35.680
some part, there's some disconnect for me where it's like, then I think that I'm supposed to do

486
00:45:35.680 --> 00:45:40.320
it alone with him. And that means no, no resources. And that I'm just supposed to wait for him to like

487
00:45:41.360 --> 00:45:45.840
fall money from the sky. I mean, I don't, I, you know, I don't know, does that look

488
00:45:47.760 --> 00:45:50.800
like waiting, does waiting on him look like literally doing nothing?

489
00:45:51.600 --> 00:45:58.880
Yeah. Yeah. Correct. Correct. Yeah. Like what you said, you know, God, God provides through a

490
00:45:58.880 --> 00:46:04.080
variety of ways. He provides money from the sky. He provides through tools. He provides through

491
00:46:04.080 --> 00:46:11.920
people. He provides for a job. God's provision, you know, is not limited to this world. And yet

492
00:46:11.920 --> 00:46:16.400
he does use this world. Like what I was talking, oh, I don't know if you were on the, on the call

493
00:46:17.360 --> 00:46:23.040
at the time that I was talking about and the fact that tools are not bad, that their intention is

494
00:46:23.040 --> 00:46:30.800
that they are currently subject to frustration. And we are intended to bring, to manifest heaven

495
00:46:30.800 --> 00:46:37.280
into earth through the tools. In other words, they're allowed to be part of the process.

496
00:46:37.280 --> 00:46:41.360
Okay, good. They're allowed to be part of the process. That is so often the way in which God

497
00:46:41.360 --> 00:46:48.480
provides for us that they're, they're not bad. It doesn't make something more or less God's

498
00:46:48.480 --> 00:46:53.520
provision if he does, or doesn't use the tools it has, it has no bearing on anything. Like for

499
00:46:53.520 --> 00:46:59.760
instance, the, and your job is not providing for you. God is providing for you, but he's,

500
00:46:59.760 --> 00:47:05.680
he's using the tool of the job, you know? So anyway, if, and then another thing about the

501
00:47:05.680 --> 00:47:12.400
whole thing of, you know, you, you struggling to, okay, well, well, two things. First of all,

502
00:47:13.200 --> 00:47:20.960
know that, and I'm just saying all of this is encouragement, that you,

503
00:47:24.240 --> 00:47:32.320
that when God intends, well, okay, so let me, let me say this first, that you can,

504
00:47:33.040 --> 00:47:36.880
one of the reasons why we can resist, and maybe this is not what you were saying, but you were

505
00:47:36.880 --> 00:47:41.040
just like, oh my word, everything's happening so fast. This is just something that came to mind,

506
00:47:41.040 --> 00:47:46.320
so just receive it for what it is, and it may not even have anything, it may not be remotely

507
00:47:46.320 --> 00:47:50.000
connected to something, as you were saying, or feeling, but it was something that came to mind,

508
00:47:51.120 --> 00:47:58.080
is, is the fact that know that when we have been in such, I felt that we have been in such

509
00:47:58.080 --> 00:48:07.680
hypervigilant mode for so long that we not only don't know how to live life not like that anymore,

510
00:48:07.680 --> 00:48:15.840
we don't feel we deserve it. So it's very hard if all of a sudden things aren't so hard anymore.

511
00:48:17.280 --> 00:48:21.520
I know they're still hard. My point is, you've, if you've been doing it alone,

512
00:48:21.520 --> 00:48:25.680
and you've been waiting on God, and you felt that you have not been supported,

513
00:48:25.680 --> 00:48:30.400
and then all of a sudden, all of that, all of these people who are willing to support you,

514
00:48:30.400 --> 00:48:35.200
who have been strangers, are coming out of the woodwork, it can, and, and all of a sudden,

515
00:48:35.200 --> 00:48:38.320
God's like, hey, look, there's this option, you know, if this is where you feel that you're

516
00:48:38.320 --> 00:48:42.080
pleased with that, oh my word, here's this option, and the, and the, and the lawyer brings that up,

517
00:48:42.080 --> 00:48:49.040
and, and, and then, you know, possibly right after God gives you a job, and told you to take the job,

518
00:48:49.040 --> 00:48:52.160
and then all of a sudden, there are these people that, of all of the people that you're connected

519
00:48:52.160 --> 00:48:56.480
to, they happen to do this exact thing to help people out, and that's not why you were talking

520
00:48:56.480 --> 00:48:59.920
to them about it, and you didn't remember that that's what it was, you know, all of this stuff,

521
00:49:00.480 --> 00:49:07.760
that can, the, the goodness of God can feel very overwhelming. It is. Yes. So anyway, just FYI,

522
00:49:07.760 --> 00:49:14.000
what that can kind of be going through is, is, is this transition of, oh my word, this,

523
00:49:14.000 --> 00:49:18.720
where this is just happening really fast, just something for you to perhaps be aware of,

524
00:49:18.720 --> 00:49:28.080
that if you find yourself, yourself unconsciously resisting what is going on, to realize what,

525
00:49:28.080 --> 00:49:35.520
that you, that it, that it is the goodness of God that he's trying to reveal, and he's trying to

526
00:49:36.160 --> 00:49:43.440
give you, and he wants you to be open, willing to receive, and you're not, and you're not used to,

527
00:49:44.400 --> 00:49:50.000
um, uh, you're not used to being in a receiving, feeling like you're in a receiving position.

528
00:49:50.000 --> 00:49:56.080
You've been so used to, you know, doing this, and, um. What do you do with that? Because it

529
00:49:56.080 --> 00:49:59.920
is overwhelming, and I feel like I've been exactly, like, I know,

530
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:06.320
know, you know, I mean, I know enough about when my work with trauma and my research and

531
00:50:06.320 --> 00:50:11.720
my own understanding what I was going through and I've been going through that, you know,

532
00:50:11.720 --> 00:50:24.880
like I feel, yeah, I feel in some ways like it's, it's overwhelming in this great way.

533
00:50:24.880 --> 00:50:29.560
And then it's kind of overwhelming in general, you know, because his, his love and his goodness

534
00:50:29.560 --> 00:50:36.160
is so overwhelmingly beautiful and yet the things and the decisions and those, those

535
00:50:36.160 --> 00:50:41.520
are actively happening in time and, you know, in space and, and that means, you know, physical

536
00:50:41.520 --> 00:50:43.900
requirements and time requirements of me.

537
00:50:43.900 --> 00:50:51.560
And then it can be triggering to feel both of those at the same time with them being

538
00:50:51.560 --> 00:50:55.900
with the, whatever is underneath the outside that's outside my comfort zone or outside

539
00:50:55.900 --> 00:50:59.900
what I know that you're referring to, like with not having that experience in the past.

540
00:50:59.900 --> 00:51:12.060
And just wondering if it's, if it's valid, you know, if it's like a valid experience.

541
00:51:12.060 --> 00:51:18.260
Um, if what's valid, I haven't, like, I haven't had that experience before, you know, where

542
00:51:18.260 --> 00:51:27.260
you're kind of, I don't know how to like, just being overwhelmed because that's good

543
00:51:27.260 --> 00:51:33.500
or just like the hyper vigilance mixed with like where I've had to be in survival mode,

544
00:51:33.500 --> 00:51:36.860
mixed with receiving his goodness, I feel like is what you were just got it.

545
00:51:36.860 --> 00:51:37.860
Okay.

546
00:51:37.860 --> 00:51:38.860
Yeah.

547
00:51:38.860 --> 00:51:39.860
So, um, where you're just, okay.

548
00:51:39.860 --> 00:51:40.860
Yes.

549
00:51:40.860 --> 00:51:46.620
So there's the thing that God's like, Hey, I now want to show you how I can give things

550
00:51:46.620 --> 00:51:47.620
to you.

551
00:51:47.620 --> 00:51:51.380
And you don't have to be in hyper-vigilance mode when before you're only used to interacting

552
00:51:51.380 --> 00:51:56.020
with these situations and circumstances in hyper-vigilance mode, where you were the one

553
00:51:56.020 --> 00:52:09.100
who, uh, you were the only one that, um, that, uh, you, you were the only one that you felt

554
00:52:09.100 --> 00:52:16.340
could provide any means or mode of protection, uh, or, or provision of the situation.

555
00:52:17.060 --> 00:52:21.860
And he's like, okay, so now you were going to go through some situations that you have

556
00:52:21.860 --> 00:52:31.300
only known and experienced in having approached them from a, a perspective of stress.

557
00:52:31.300 --> 00:52:36.420
And now I am in strife and now I want you to approach them from a place of rest.

558
00:52:36.420 --> 00:52:43.620
So he, he's, he's introducing situations, which were in the habit of, um, from experience

559
00:52:43.780 --> 00:52:46.820
of interacting from a very stressful perspective.

560
00:52:46.820 --> 00:52:50.260
And he's now like, okay, so now we're going to be in those situations.

561
00:52:50.260 --> 00:52:52.500
He said, and now I want you to release.

562
00:52:52.500 --> 00:52:57.300
I want you to release and receive where you don't have to do the thing.

563
00:52:57.300 --> 00:52:59.540
I mean, so to speak, I'm not talking about you don't do any actions.

564
00:52:59.540 --> 00:53:01.460
I'm talking about, you don't have to make things happen.

565
00:53:01.460 --> 00:53:02.420
You don't have to control it.

566
00:53:02.420 --> 00:53:06.260
You don't have to be the force that pushes everything forward.

567
00:53:06.260 --> 00:53:08.980
You let him be the force, the force that pushes everything forward.

568
00:53:09.540 --> 00:53:14.260
And, um, then I struggled to know where in the words I effort meet that, you know, and

569
00:53:14.260 --> 00:53:23.060
it feels, it doesn't feel like at times it feels so like, um, you know, freeing and peaceful.

570
00:53:23.060 --> 00:53:29.460
Like overall, it's like this freeing, you know, experience, but it doesn't feel always

571
00:53:29.460 --> 00:53:34.580
so restful to try to come in to the newness of this one.

572
00:53:34.580 --> 00:53:36.260
It's, it's so foreign.

573
00:53:36.260 --> 00:53:40.100
And then I still have decisions to make or things to do.

574
00:53:40.100 --> 00:53:44.180
And I don't know where my effort meets his rest and provision.

575
00:53:45.620 --> 00:53:52.820
Um, it is still doing all of the activities, but just not bearing the burden and the responsibility,

576
00:53:53.460 --> 00:53:59.620
putting it on you or on the activities, um, the burden or the responsibility at the result.

577
00:53:59.940 --> 00:54:05.220
So understanding that you don't carry that, that's the only reason that makes effort hard.

578
00:54:05.860 --> 00:54:10.740
That's the only thing that makes strife strife is the fact that we believe that it bears

579
00:54:10.740 --> 00:54:18.500
the responsibility of actually creating results and their stress that it won't create the

580
00:54:18.500 --> 00:54:19.060
result.

581
00:54:19.060 --> 00:54:24.580
So if we remove the burden and the responsibility from off of that, it removes all of the hard

582
00:54:24.580 --> 00:54:26.100
work in it.

583
00:54:26.100 --> 00:54:28.580
So it removes the hard out of the work.

584
00:54:28.580 --> 00:54:29.460
Out of the work.

585
00:54:29.460 --> 00:54:32.260
And then we're just working and then it's, there's no strife in it.

586
00:54:32.260 --> 00:54:33.620
And so that's the thing.

587
00:54:33.620 --> 00:54:34.820
Oh, exactly.

588
00:54:34.820 --> 00:54:35.860
That makes so much sense.

589
00:54:35.860 --> 00:54:38.260
But how do you shift from that?

590
00:54:39.220 --> 00:54:45.540
You know, like any, any thoughts about how, what to do when that's overwhelming and you

591
00:54:45.540 --> 00:54:50.660
don't quite know how to shift into that, even though you're hearing it logically, you don't

592
00:54:50.660 --> 00:54:52.580
quite even know what you're resisting or why.

593
00:54:52.580 --> 00:54:55.380
And it just correct.

594
00:54:55.380 --> 00:54:57.540
So you don't have to know what you're resisting or why.

595
00:54:57.540 --> 00:54:58.820
So that's a really good question.

596
00:54:59.380 --> 00:54:59.620
Okay.

597
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:05.480
there are, I know that you've already watched some of these, but the to release

598
00:55:05.480 --> 00:55:11.240
and to receive are the big ones. Possibly even the to believe one. I think

599
00:55:11.240 --> 00:55:17.480
that there might be some added helpful things that I put in

600
00:55:17.480 --> 00:55:21.360
that one because there were some things that I think that people in watching to

601
00:55:21.360 --> 00:55:26.640
receive one were having a difficult, or to release whichever one it was,

602
00:55:26.640 --> 00:55:32.320
were having a hard time grasping and so I did the to believe one and I've had

603
00:55:32.320 --> 00:55:35.880
people tell me that they've watched that one multiple times because they're like

604
00:55:35.880 --> 00:55:39.400
oh my word that finally answered my question and because they still felt

605
00:55:39.400 --> 00:55:43.560
that the to believe part was something they were responsible for. Oh I think

606
00:55:43.560 --> 00:55:47.480
you even asked me that. Did you ask me that maybe in a comment on a live

607
00:55:47.480 --> 00:55:52.120
recording? Okay so if so you'll want to watch that and how to believe part

608
00:55:52.120 --> 00:55:56.640
because I answered that same question for someone months ago back in April

609
00:55:56.640 --> 00:56:01.320
where they're like yeah but isn't there still a responsibility now to believe?

610
00:56:01.320 --> 00:56:05.160
Isn't that where all of the hard work and the effort and the stress and anxiety

611
00:56:05.160 --> 00:56:10.760
comes in that well God can't follow through on his deal because I still or

612
00:56:10.760 --> 00:56:17.280
there's I have my own, I have to mean it halfway and my halfway is belief you

613
00:56:17.280 --> 00:56:21.400
know and then we and and that's just not true and so I recommend that you. Oh I

614
00:56:21.400 --> 00:56:25.560
think I did comment something on your recent live about but that doesn't that

615
00:56:25.560 --> 00:56:30.460
still then come back to us needing to believe. Yeah correct so I would

616
00:56:30.460 --> 00:56:33.600
recommend watching that one because that answered her question finally because

617
00:56:33.600 --> 00:56:38.920
she was so frustrated she's like Ashley I feel I feel can she wasn't saying that

618
00:56:38.920 --> 00:56:42.480
I had made her feel this way she was just saying that hey Ashley when I

619
00:56:42.480 --> 00:56:46.680
listened to what you were saying she said I feel condemned I still feel like

620
00:56:46.680 --> 00:56:50.760
see it's still my fault I'm not believing and that's why I'm not

621
00:56:50.760 --> 00:56:56.480
receiving and so when I did the live she's like I finally get it so she's

622
00:56:56.480 --> 00:57:01.020
watched it multiple times because it was so revelatory to her so anyway I

623
00:57:01.020 --> 00:57:06.120
recommend you watch that one but as far as like like the receiving and releasing

624
00:57:06.120 --> 00:57:10.920
effortlessly as well as as well as you know what do you do when you don't know

625
00:57:10.920 --> 00:57:15.760
what it is that you're releasing all you have to do so I'm just gonna go over all

626
00:57:15.760 --> 00:57:20.760
of this very briefly but I recommend that you that all of this is talked

627
00:57:20.760 --> 00:57:26.240
about you know what you could if you wanted to just watch the unless you want

628
00:57:26.240 --> 00:57:30.120
to rewatch those others because there there would be benefit to it you can

629
00:57:30.120 --> 00:57:35.840
watch the one in the unit to called healing the soul through the spirit have

630
00:57:35.840 --> 00:57:40.160
you watched that one no okay so that one's that one I think would be very

631
00:57:40.160 --> 00:57:43.520
beneficial and that's what I'm gonna that's what I'm gonna explain really

632
00:57:43.520 --> 00:57:48.000
quick right now just in very highlighted form that all we have to do

633
00:57:48.000 --> 00:57:54.000
is we if ever we feel stress anxiety whoever we feel starting feel tight we

634
00:57:54.000 --> 00:57:57.960
feel a worse we feel a little bit of a panic it doesn't even have to be a big

635
00:57:57.960 --> 00:58:02.680
one just just a little bit of Oh nervousness or I mean it could be light

636
00:58:02.680 --> 00:58:07.120
or it could be really a really big big heavy weight whatever it is it's

637
00:58:07.120 --> 00:58:11.080
negative and it's not of your nature and it is not of the Lord so you need to

638
00:58:11.080 --> 00:58:15.040
just let it go because you do not have to you do not have we do not have to

639
00:58:15.040 --> 00:58:19.720
live under that burden that oppression so you just tell yourself whenever

640
00:58:19.720 --> 00:58:24.320
you're doing it you just tell yourself stop whatever it is I'm doing inside

641
00:58:24.320 --> 00:58:28.200
just you're telling yourself this you're like whatever it is I'm doing inside

642
00:58:28.200 --> 00:58:34.440
telling you to stop mm-hmm and then usually usually for me depends on what

643
00:58:34.440 --> 00:58:39.040
the situation is I whatever it is inside of me that's causing all that turmoil

644
00:58:39.040 --> 00:58:43.760
that angst and anxiety and the stress to build up it stops and it lets go and

645
00:58:43.760 --> 00:58:46.760
I immediately shift into rest I don't even know what it is I'm letting go I

646
00:58:46.760 --> 00:58:51.200
don't know what thoughts or subconscious or conscious that I was thinking of that

647
00:58:51.200 --> 00:58:56.240
was causing all of that it was just my body and my emotions where we were and

648
00:58:56.240 --> 00:59:00.760
we're stirring up in my body was react was manifesting it and I was feeling the

649
00:59:00.760 --> 00:59:07.440
heaviness etc and so I just tell myself to stop however sometimes that that

650
00:59:07.440 --> 00:59:13.040
isn't helpful I mean meaning like I say it's not helpful sometimes we still

651
00:59:13.040 --> 00:59:18.000
struggle to get ourselves to just let it go or to stop doing whatever it is we're

652
00:59:18.000 --> 00:59:21.920
doing that's creating all the stress and anxiety so in in that case I recommend

653
00:59:21.920 --> 00:59:28.520
that we that we remind ourselves that we really think okay whatever the reason

654
00:59:28.520 --> 00:59:33.080
I'm stressed and anxious is that that I believe that whatever's going on

655
00:59:33.080 --> 00:59:37.320
shouldn't be that I shouldn't be in this situation that that person shouldn't

656
00:59:37.400 --> 00:59:42.000
have said that thing to me that I that I shouldn't be doing that and it this

657
00:59:42.000 --> 00:59:47.280
shouldn't be hard or it could be like I'm doing everything right but I'm sure

658
00:59:47.280 --> 00:59:51.480
that I I shouldn't be doubting I shouldn't be whatever it is we're

659
00:59:51.480 --> 00:59:55.520
telling ourselves that whatever is going on whether it's us or a circumstance

660
00:59:55.520 --> 00:59:58.400
outside of us or something that somebody's saying or something that

661
00:59:58.400 --> 01:00:02.080
we're remembering subconsciously that's

662
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:04.080
Somebody told us one time, whatever's going on, we're telling ourselves it

663
01:00:04.080 --> 01:00:04.840
shouldn't be.

664
01:00:05.760 --> 01:00:10.000
And what we have to do is we have to let go of our sense of entitlement that it

665
01:00:10.000 --> 01:00:12.760
shouldn't be that way and that it should be something different.

666
01:00:14.080 --> 01:00:18.520
And I, and I repeat this every single time I say this, it's very important that

667
01:00:18.520 --> 01:00:22.760
we're not making a judgment call about whether or not it should or shouldn't be

668
01:00:22.760 --> 01:00:27.800
happening. We're not saying, for instance, if somebody yells at you, you know, and

669
01:00:27.800 --> 01:00:30.840
you're, and, and you're getting all stressed and anxious and you, and you

670
01:00:30.840 --> 01:00:34.560
tell yourself, okay, you know, release my sense of entitlement that it shouldn't

671
01:00:34.560 --> 01:00:38.160
be this way. You know that, well, they shouldn't have yelled at me. It

672
01:00:38.160 --> 01:00:43.960
shouldn't be this way. You're not saying they should have yelled at you. We're

673
01:00:43.960 --> 01:00:47.160
not saying, in other words, we're not making a judgment call about the right or

674
01:00:47.160 --> 01:00:50.520
wrong in this situation. All we're doing is we're releasing our sense of

675
01:00:50.520 --> 01:00:56.920
entitlement and, and ownership that and demand and accountability. Yeah. Huh.

676
01:00:57.560 --> 01:01:01.400
To decide that it shouldn't be this way, like releasing. Yeah. To decide it

677
01:01:01.400 --> 01:01:05.720
shouldn't be this way. Just let that thing go. Just let go our sense of

678
01:01:05.720 --> 01:01:11.160
account that, because what it is, is we're holding God or, or, or something,

679
01:01:11.240 --> 01:01:17.320
something accountable for fixing it for, um, for, for fixing it. We have to let

680
01:01:17.320 --> 01:01:23.040
that sense go. We're not standing in the judgment seat at that moment saying,

681
01:01:23.080 --> 01:01:27.720
trying to declare that what was going on was truth or error. We're not saying

682
01:01:27.720 --> 01:01:31.320
anything about whether it was truth or error. We're just letting go of that,

683
01:01:31.360 --> 01:01:35.640
but that stranglehold we have on demanding that justice be done in that

684
01:01:35.640 --> 01:01:40.080
moment. We're letting that sense of entitlement go. And then as soon as we

685
01:01:40.080 --> 01:01:44.320
do, we shift into rest. We remember who it is that our true nature is. And we

686
01:01:44.320 --> 01:01:49.480
begin to operate from that place in our new nature is, is of our spirit and our

687
01:01:49.520 --> 01:01:54.160
spirit always makes righteous judgments. So now from that place, now we could

688
01:01:54.160 --> 01:01:57.560
make a, now we could make a righteous judgment about the decision about the

689
01:01:57.560 --> 01:02:02.720
situation and to be able to discern whether what happened was truth or error.

690
01:02:02.920 --> 01:02:08.560
But until we let it go first, we can't, we're not in a place in which we can

691
01:02:08.560 --> 01:02:12.440
make a righteous judgment and a righteous discernment about whether or

692
01:02:12.440 --> 01:02:17.440
not what happened was right or wrong. My whole point in saying that is, um, we

693
01:02:17.440 --> 01:02:21.240
have to let, that's what it is we're releasing. We're releasing our sense of

694
01:02:21.240 --> 01:02:24.920
entitlement that it should be fixed and it shouldn't, and it shouldn't be like

695
01:02:24.920 --> 01:02:29.560
this. The problem is the sense of entitlement and holding somebody in God

696
01:02:29.560 --> 01:02:34.680
accountable for it. That's what we've got to let go. Once we let that go, then

697
01:02:34.880 --> 01:02:40.400
we're now in a place where our spirit knows what's right and wrong. So anyway,

698
01:02:40.480 --> 01:02:44.680
that's what we think that can even like what you're describing can even be, I'm

699
01:02:44.720 --> 01:02:51.040
just thinking of how I like personally, how it plays out or how, how it feels or

700
01:02:51.040 --> 01:02:58.280
resonates. Like it's, it's almost like, why am I, you know, I know we're not,

701
01:02:58.400 --> 01:03:02.160
don't necessarily need to know this, but it's helpful for me to process with you.

702
01:03:02.160 --> 01:03:08.280
Like, is it for me in a sense of entitlement? Well, it is, but what's,

703
01:03:08.600 --> 01:03:14.480
what's underneath that is this, maybe a belief would be the best word for it.

704
01:03:14.880 --> 01:03:20.320
That's like shame based, you know, that I should have, you know, if I would have

705
01:03:20.360 --> 01:03:24.240
been better, stronger, whatever, I wouldn't have broken down if I, you know,

706
01:03:24.240 --> 01:03:27.480
I'm not thinking all this right now, but the way it looks at this moment is like

707
01:03:27.480 --> 01:03:31.000
when all this came up, it was like, if I would have saved better, if I would have

708
01:03:31.000 --> 01:03:35.080
done more financially, like help made more financial decisions that were

709
01:03:35.080 --> 01:03:41.720
healthy, then I'd be prepared for this right now. Um, and so, you know, that's

710
01:03:41.760 --> 01:03:46.840
something right. But it's kind of shame based, like there's something wrong with

711
01:03:46.840 --> 01:03:51.800
this because there's something wrong with me and they go together. And a lot

712
01:03:51.800 --> 01:03:55.000
of it is difficult to release if I'm believing there's something wrong with

713
01:03:55.000 --> 01:04:00.320
me, but I am having a difficult time in all of this receiving his love and my

714
01:04:00.320 --> 01:04:04.920
identity lately. Like I was coming into it still, I know it's all still process,

715
01:04:04.920 --> 01:04:08.600
but you know, I feel like I was coming into it and then a couple, you know,

716
01:04:08.600 --> 01:04:13.840
whirlwind weeks of yes, so much good, but also so much going on.

717
01:04:16.120 --> 01:04:21.480
Part of it is, you know, even how do you make, how do you personally, and how do

718
01:04:21.480 --> 01:04:24.960
you recommend, because I know you recommend what you do personally, um,

719
01:04:25.880 --> 01:04:30.000
kind of reassessing things when you get in that state where it's starting to

720
01:04:30.000 --> 01:04:35.000
become anxious or a bit much, but you have to still keep going into all these

721
01:04:35.040 --> 01:04:39.040
new things at once. And yet you don't want to do it out of strife. How do you

722
01:04:39.040 --> 01:04:43.560
kind of reassess your, where you're putting your energy and your time? Like,

723
01:04:43.560 --> 01:04:46.760
I feel like I'm doing too much for instance, right now, like I'm not giving

724
01:04:46.760 --> 01:04:52.200
myself enough grace than how big this is, how big the shift is in a great way,

725
01:04:52.200 --> 01:04:56.800
but also how much is required of me to go into all the new with a brand new

726
01:04:56.800 --> 01:04:59.920
schedule, brand new job, all the legal stuff.

727
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:04.160
going on everything with the girls and their schooling like i'm still trying to maintain

728
01:05:04.160 --> 01:05:10.720
all of the multitasking and the things i have up in the air and i'm dropping stuff and then

729
01:05:10.720 --> 01:05:15.440
feeling shame because i don't i can't meet the goals that i'm setting for myself i'm setting

730
01:05:15.440 --> 01:05:21.440
the bar too high to be able to do various things all at once and i think that that's contributing to

731
01:05:22.320 --> 01:05:27.520
that hyper vigilance feeling of like ah when you're in that state of go-go-go it's called

732
01:05:27.520 --> 01:05:31.520
fight or flight like you're trying you're in the mode of doing you're not in rest and digest which

733
01:05:31.520 --> 01:05:39.360
is you know physiologically the opposite and so then a time of that and added stresses stressors

734
01:05:39.360 --> 01:05:44.800
and brand new transitions and new things and unknowns it can all be a bit much and i and i

735
01:05:44.800 --> 01:05:49.280
think that that's important to consider because it's it's like how do you reassess where do i go

736
01:05:49.280 --> 01:05:56.320
from here now that i'm recognizing these things that's effort in a way to look at your life and go

737
01:05:57.280 --> 01:06:01.920
okay where do i need to give myself grace what do i need to let go of in this moment and where

738
01:06:01.920 --> 01:06:06.000
are my priorities and focus because i think it's gotten a little bit muddled because i didn't see

739
01:06:06.000 --> 01:06:11.680
all this coming and i'm trying to always do more than i need to be trying to do in a moment even

740
01:06:11.680 --> 01:06:17.600
when it's good stuff like just i'm trying to keep up with too many things so how do you assess that

741
01:06:17.600 --> 01:06:24.880
or how do you change course or what's the word for it how do you know when you need to pull back or

742
01:06:25.520 --> 01:06:30.880
make a shift where your energy and time's being spent with depending on how you're feeling and

743
01:06:30.880 --> 01:06:37.760
if the anxiety is coming up does that help you inform that for you um you ask uh you ask the

744
01:06:37.760 --> 01:06:43.440
lord about that and since where your piece is at you know same way we make all the decisions

745
01:06:44.080 --> 01:06:49.920
what it where's your piece at um for uh like for instance and i'm just making something up

746
01:06:50.000 --> 01:06:56.720
like if like uh you think about your job okay yeah my piece is still um i'm just gonna pretend

747
01:06:56.720 --> 01:07:01.840
that i'm you and i'm gonna walk through this yes i still feel like my piece at my job and then

748
01:07:01.840 --> 01:07:08.720
you look at your um at the what's your your and moving forward in mediation and all that you know

749
01:07:08.720 --> 01:07:14.240
yes i i you know i do believe that i you know i still have peace there because i'm i'm in the

750
01:07:14.240 --> 01:07:18.960
spirit at the moment you know i'm not you know maybe you've already gone through the exercise

751
01:07:18.960 --> 01:07:23.680
of like what it is your soul wants and in order to let it have its say or whatever

752
01:07:24.560 --> 01:07:29.120
um and if you felt that you needed to do that in order to be able to discern where it is that

753
01:07:29.120 --> 01:07:33.280
your spirit uh what it is your spirit truly believes um is because your soul has had it

754
01:07:33.280 --> 01:07:39.440
say first sometimes it's helpful and um because otherwise the soul feels like it wasn't in it's

755
01:07:39.440 --> 01:07:46.000
part of of who it is uh of your you know your one your spirit soul and body so it's a part of it and

756
01:07:46.880 --> 01:07:52.960
anyway um at the end after that you know the spirit like okay so in the spirit you know i

757
01:07:52.960 --> 01:07:58.800
really do have peace about about you know focusing on the job i have peace about continuing and

758
01:07:58.800 --> 01:08:05.920
pushing forward with the air and you know on um doing activities that um with the lord related to

759
01:08:05.920 --> 01:08:11.840
the progression of the mediation and um but you know when i think about everything that i'm doing

760
01:08:11.840 --> 01:08:17.439
within the collective that i do not have peace about and then you can ask the lord if there's

761
01:08:17.439 --> 01:08:20.960
certain peace that you don't have in a particular area you can think like okay well lord what do i

762
01:08:20.960 --> 01:08:25.600
not have peace about in this area is it because i've been doing it in strife or and you just want

763
01:08:25.600 --> 01:08:30.960
me to to change how i do it or do you want me to change the activities that i'm doing or do you

764
01:08:30.960 --> 01:08:38.560
want me to um uh just just pull just pull back for a little while like maybe say a week and then

765
01:08:38.640 --> 01:08:44.720
touch base with everybody again or pull back for three weeks and without touch base with everybody

766
01:08:44.720 --> 01:08:50.000
again so letting me know you didn't i don't know what it would look like point is where is your

767
01:08:50.000 --> 01:08:57.920
peace and um and wherever your peace is that god has god is going with you to sustain you

768
01:08:58.720 --> 01:09:05.279
in being able to continue all of those things because you will find that in rest we're much

769
01:09:05.279 --> 01:09:12.000
more efficient we can get much more done with much less effort in faster time because god is

770
01:09:12.000 --> 01:09:16.479
the one who's doing it we're no longer doing it well we have to operate according to the tree of

771
01:09:16.479 --> 01:09:20.720
the knowledge of good and evil everything is 10 times harder when we operate according to the

772
01:09:20.720 --> 01:09:25.600
tree of life everything's 10 times easier so it doesn't matter how many things we're doing

773
01:09:25.600 --> 01:09:31.359
if we're operating according to the tree of life we can't compare pat our current number of

774
01:09:31.359 --> 01:09:38.240
activities to when in the in the and and measure them according to like volume and enormity and

775
01:09:38.240 --> 01:09:45.600
whatever as if we were looking at them through through the filter of when we've operated

776
01:09:45.600 --> 01:09:49.359
according to the tree of the knowledge of an evil and under all of that strife and we did

777
01:09:49.359 --> 01:09:55.040
all those activities or we would have done all those activities that were this big oh my word

778
01:09:55.040 --> 01:09:59.840
we would wear ourselves out just because we would wear ourselves out over here does not mean that

779
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:05.440
Would wear ourselves out here doing those same activities because we're doing them and rest totally different.

780
01:10:06.160 --> 01:10:19.880
So the thing is that my point is that wherever God gives you peace. It means that you are believing your spirit has the faith believing that your God will not can will sustain you

781
01:10:20.240 --> 01:10:27.360
In all of those things. And then you can know that the burden of the responsibility of the result that you get in each of those areas.

782
01:10:27.880 --> 01:10:40.120
In, in, in, in, you know, just proceeding forward with them is not does not rest on you and that God has already put in you in the new man everything that you need.

783
01:10:40.800 --> 01:10:48.680
In all of in order to to operate in all those areas. So you no longer have to work and try and feel that you're approaching your new job.

784
01:10:49.200 --> 01:10:55.880
Or your collective or the mediation, which you've never done before. And you've never walked that process and that path and you don't know what else involved.

785
01:10:56.200 --> 01:11:07.880
You don't have to worry that that I'm I'm approaching these things from a place of lack and therefore it's going to be hard and it's going to be difficult and I got to learn something and I got a learning curve and

786
01:11:08.840 --> 01:11:19.640
If God is giving you peace and all those areas you just put one foot in front of the other, so to speak, without bearing any weight and burden and fear that

787
01:11:20.240 --> 01:11:30.960
It's that you're not having ever walked that path before is in any way going to affect what you do or how you do it or how it's going to result.

788
01:11:31.440 --> 01:11:35.160
It doesn't bear it, you know, because God's taking care of the results.

789
01:11:35.640 --> 01:11:48.080
So that you're not in a place of black God will sustain you in each of those places. And you know that because he gave you peace, meaning that you know he your father will not can that will sustain you in each of those areas.

790
01:11:48.800 --> 01:11:50.120
Hmm, that's so good.

791
01:11:51.480 --> 01:11:56.120
That's so good. Okay, I know it's getting super late. So I guess to wrap it up.

792
01:11:57.280 --> 01:12:02.880
Would you be willing to, you know, when you get a chance, maybe message me

793
01:12:05.120 --> 01:12:11.280
Anything that comes to mind for kind of this the season that I'm in and the specifics to the rest intensive because

794
01:12:12.160 --> 01:12:14.320
I'm meeting this extra support, but I

795
01:12:14.800 --> 01:12:23.320
But I also the busyness, the level of literally the time of the day to call attorneys over lunch break or mediators and take care of my girls and

796
01:12:23.720 --> 01:12:33.040
Keep up cooking at the house and, you know, I mean all the things get enough sleep to go back and do it the next day. I, I want to make sure that I

797
01:12:33.840 --> 01:12:44.000
Am catching the teachings and and concepts that are going to continue helping me through this because it is such a pivotal time, but I almost feel like I can't slow down.

798
01:12:44.720 --> 01:12:52.880
In the moment enough to know where to find what I need, which I know it's all right there. But I'm saying, like, if anything stands out. Yeah, like, for instance, the

799
01:12:53.760 --> 01:12:59.440
What's it called. So even the process that I am still sobering is still new to me when you talk about the

800
01:13:00.400 --> 01:13:02.240
How we stop ourselves and

801
01:13:03.680 --> 01:13:07.440
I don't know if there's a name for that. But a way that we shift into rest. Maybe it's how you call it or

802
01:13:09.440 --> 01:13:14.880
Release. Yeah, everything is just still so new and especially because the past couple weeks have taken me

803
01:13:15.600 --> 01:13:21.600
From the consistency of like listening to teachings and God took me off Facebook for 10 days. So I wasn't even

804
01:13:22.480 --> 01:13:29.200
I just wasn't on like he just had me fasting from Facebook and I still I honestly still struggle right now with Facebook because it's it's

805
01:13:29.360 --> 01:13:36.240
I completely get it. I have I have a private group on there. I'm involved in a couple mentorship groups on there, but it's over

806
01:13:37.020 --> 01:13:38.320
overwhelming

807
01:13:38.320 --> 01:13:40.320
as a whole

808
01:13:40.720 --> 01:13:43.760
Like it's difficult for me to get straight on and not

809
01:13:45.200 --> 01:13:51.360
Feel pulled and even just feel the negative energy of all of the climate of it. It's just it's really tough

810
01:13:51.440 --> 01:13:58.800
And so but I but I need and value these particular things. So if I know I'm going straight to something

811
01:13:59.600 --> 01:14:03.520
It would just be like the greatest help like even in the day-to-day

812
01:14:04.160 --> 01:14:07.120
Um right now just like where it's like i'm i'm in the thick of it

813
01:14:07.680 --> 01:14:08.960
In a great way, you know

814
01:14:08.960 --> 01:14:14.720
but really in the momentum of I want to have the tools to pull out and use so even if there's like two things that

815
01:14:14.720 --> 01:14:16.320
I can consistently do

816
01:14:16.320 --> 01:14:19.600
kind of as as you've heard, you know where i'm at with just um,

817
01:14:20.880 --> 01:14:22.880
working through the

818
01:14:23.280 --> 01:14:25.540
the process of stopping anxiety

819
01:14:26.260 --> 01:14:28.260
Um or shifting back into

820
01:14:28.420 --> 01:14:32.660
that identity or maybe it's just focusing on his his love because that's where

821
01:14:33.460 --> 01:14:35.220
I need to go back to

822
01:14:35.220 --> 01:14:39.620
you know, for instance like I know all these things are probably true, but if any of that is on your heart or

823
01:14:40.020 --> 01:14:42.020
he drops it in your spirit like this is

824
01:14:42.800 --> 01:14:47.300
foundational, um to keep coming back to her stuff that during the day that I can just like

825
01:14:47.700 --> 01:14:54.100
This is one one teaching or one marco polo or whatever that we talked about that'll help me to go back to that place

826
01:14:54.340 --> 01:14:56.260
And continue

827
01:14:56.260 --> 01:14:58.260
In rest where it becomes more of a habit

828
01:14:59.060 --> 01:15:01.060
then

829
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:07.160
Um, then I like once in a while reminder, I guess, not that you're doing that, just

830
01:15:07.160 --> 01:15:10.200
that I'm doing that where I'm trying to get back to it.

831
01:15:10.200 --> 01:15:11.200
Yeah.

832
01:15:11.200 --> 01:15:17.560
The, the two biggest things that I can think of, um, besides one thing that I don't can't

833
01:15:17.560 --> 01:15:21.240
think of where it is right now, but the two biggest things would be, um, you know, the

834
01:15:21.240 --> 01:15:27.400
love knowing, um, receiving the, that God and choosing to believe in choosing that God

835
01:15:27.400 --> 01:15:33.560
loves us and, and acting like he loves us, like, okay, if the world works like that,

836
01:15:33.560 --> 01:15:38.120
that there's a God that loves us, then what kind of rules would there be in that type

837
01:15:38.120 --> 01:15:39.120
of a world?

838
01:15:39.120 --> 01:15:40.800
And therefore I'm going to live by those rules.

839
01:15:40.800 --> 01:15:44.920
You may not even believe that he loves you to that extent, but if he says that he does,

840
01:15:44.920 --> 01:15:50.240
then you choose that those are the rules by which the world operates and you act and make

841
01:15:50.240 --> 01:15:53.160
decisions based off of those rules.

842
01:15:53.160 --> 01:15:56.480
If you live in a world in which God loves you that much, what would you do?

843
01:15:56.480 --> 01:15:57.480
That kind of thing.

844
01:15:57.480 --> 01:15:58.600
So that's a really big deal.

845
01:15:58.600 --> 01:16:03.600
I'm choosing that some things are reality because God said it is, and then we will effortlessly

846
01:16:03.600 --> 01:16:08.120
and that shifts us into the, into the new nature and we come to effortlessly believe

847
01:16:08.120 --> 01:16:09.120
it.

848
01:16:09.120 --> 01:16:13.040
And then we will, um, then we'll start to see the fact that we believe that God loves

849
01:16:13.040 --> 01:16:15.280
us actually manifest into reality.

850
01:16:15.280 --> 01:16:20.560
Then the other thing would be the healing, the soul through the spirit that, that, um,

851
01:16:20.560 --> 01:16:22.640
that, uh, that session.

852
01:16:23.640 --> 01:16:27.480
So I will put these in a Facebook message and send them to you.

853
01:16:27.480 --> 01:16:28.480
Thank you.

854
01:16:28.480 --> 01:16:29.480
I you're welcome.

855
01:16:29.480 --> 01:16:35.600
I'll see if I can get a link to both of those teachings, um, on my phone.

856
01:16:35.600 --> 01:16:39.640
I don't have access to my computer right now, meaning like for the next few days, but I

857
01:16:39.640 --> 01:16:40.640
do on my phone.

858
01:16:40.640 --> 01:16:43.720
So I'll see if, if the phone will let me like grab a link to both of those and I'll put

859
01:16:43.720 --> 01:16:46.320
it in a Facebook message and send this to you.

860
01:16:46.320 --> 01:16:49.160
Um, and then the only, you really don't have to do that.

861
01:16:49.160 --> 01:16:52.160
And as long as I know which ones, but I so appreciate that.

862
01:16:52.680 --> 01:16:58.200
I mean, if it was something that wasn't a hassle, but truly, I sure I'll, I'll try right

863
01:16:58.200 --> 01:17:00.400
after this and see if I can do that.

864
01:17:00.400 --> 01:17:05.400
The only other thing that is coming to mind that would be very, very important, um, that

865
01:17:05.400 --> 01:17:09.680
I can't think of where I talk about this is the fact that I've talked about it just multiple

866
01:17:09.680 --> 01:17:14.280
times and like Q and A's and whatever is the fact that we choose that some things are reality.

867
01:17:14.280 --> 01:17:16.360
Then we effortlessly will come to believe it.

868
01:17:16.360 --> 01:17:20.280
Then we will effortlessly see it manifest, but we have to choose that if God says it's

869
01:17:20.400 --> 01:17:25.000
true, that we're, that we believe that the, that is the way that the world works.

870
01:17:25.000 --> 01:17:28.960
And therefore we begin, we think if that's the way the world works, what are the laws

871
01:17:28.960 --> 01:17:34.520
by which the, how would the world, uh, what would I then do if that's how the world works?

872
01:17:34.520 --> 01:17:36.160
And then I would do those things.

873
01:17:36.160 --> 01:17:45.440
So would, would, would you, yeah, so, so do you personally talk to yourself in that way?

874
01:17:45.440 --> 01:17:52.080
Do you recommend like what I would love to just almost hear like a day in the life, you

875
01:17:52.080 --> 01:17:58.680
know, or, you know, I mean, honestly to take like the teachings and go, okay, this is how,

876
01:17:58.680 --> 01:18:02.280
but this is how it sounds like when you talk about choosing, you talk about, okay, this,

877
01:18:02.280 --> 01:18:03.880
I'm choosing my reality.

878
01:18:03.880 --> 01:18:06.800
Are you kind of talking to your soul?

879
01:18:06.800 --> 01:18:09.440
Are you, are you saying these things out loud?

880
01:18:09.440 --> 01:18:17.480
Are you pausing and you know, with the Lord, just whenever you realize that you're maybe

881
01:18:17.480 --> 01:18:21.360
not believing that and just tell yourself the truth again, I'm like, what does it look

882
01:18:21.360 --> 01:18:22.360
like?

883
01:18:22.360 --> 01:18:25.240
Cause I know we don't want to make all these extra efforts toward trying to figure it out

884
01:18:25.240 --> 01:18:26.240
or do the right thing.

885
01:18:26.240 --> 01:18:33.160
And at the same time, there is some, I'm hearing there's some actual like choosing and telling

886
01:18:33.160 --> 01:18:34.800
yourself the truth.

887
01:18:34.800 --> 01:18:35.800
That's really helpful.

888
01:18:35.800 --> 01:18:36.800
Correct.

889
01:18:36.800 --> 01:18:41.520
You're choosing and you're telling, but you're not, you're not exuding effort.

890
01:18:41.520 --> 01:18:43.320
You're not trying to do anything.

891
01:18:43.320 --> 01:18:44.600
You're not trying anything.

892
01:18:44.600 --> 01:18:45.600
I'm just doing it.

893
01:18:45.600 --> 01:18:50.320
It's an act of my will and intention, not hard work that I'm doing.

894
01:18:50.320 --> 01:18:53.200
So, um, so yeah, it's, it's my will and my tension.

895
01:18:53.200 --> 01:18:54.720
I did decide.

896
01:18:54.720 --> 01:18:56.200
I think I'm just not doing it.

897
01:18:56.200 --> 01:19:01.400
I think I'm just not doing it because I thought that I wasn't supposed to do it or I wasn't

898
01:19:01.400 --> 01:19:06.780
supposed to try, but then by not doing the new thing and telling myself the truth and

899
01:19:07.760 --> 01:19:12.100
I'm choosing that reality, then I'm falling in the default thinking, which then is the

900
01:19:12.100 --> 01:19:14.420
hard work doing.

901
01:19:14.420 --> 01:19:15.420
So there is a doing.

902
01:19:15.420 --> 01:19:16.420
Yeah.

903
01:19:16.420 --> 01:19:17.420
You don't have to try.

904
01:19:17.420 --> 01:19:21.700
If we're trying, it means that we're still in resistance and therefore we're trying to

905
01:19:21.700 --> 01:19:23.180
like overcome this resistance.

906
01:19:23.180 --> 01:19:26.180
No, the problem is we just need to let go of the resistance.

907
01:19:26.180 --> 01:19:27.460
We need to release it.

908
01:19:27.460 --> 01:19:32.100
So that's what I do is I just think, okay, I don't know what it is that I'm fighting.

909
01:19:32.100 --> 01:19:36.540
I don't know what it is that I'm, you know, what I'm resisting, but I'm going to choose

910
01:19:37.300 --> 01:19:40.140
to stop fighting and I'm going to choose, I'm going to choose that whatever it is I'm

911
01:19:40.140 --> 01:19:42.020
doing to stop.

912
01:19:42.020 --> 01:19:43.180
That is all that we have to do.

913
01:19:43.180 --> 01:19:45.480
That's essentially what everything comes down to.

914
01:19:45.480 --> 01:19:47.580
You're not doing something.

915
01:19:47.580 --> 01:19:50.660
You're stopping doing things.

916
01:19:50.660 --> 01:19:51.660
That's what we do.

917
01:19:51.660 --> 01:19:56.100
We just, if you think, okay, what do I need to do?

918
01:19:56.100 --> 01:19:59.740
Stop doing, stop trying, whatever it is you're doing.

919
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:01.000
Stop.

920
01:20:01.000 --> 01:20:02.000
Stop.

921
01:20:02.000 --> 01:20:07.280
And then you will naturally be and naturally live and naturally operate and naturally intend

922
01:20:07.280 --> 01:20:13.200
and naturally send out from your kingly position, everything that you are in everything that

923
01:20:13.200 --> 01:20:14.200
the situation means.

924
01:20:14.200 --> 01:20:19.160
It's when we try to do it because we think that we won't, it won't naturally come out

925
01:20:19.160 --> 01:20:22.160
of us, that, that creates its own resistance.

926
01:20:22.160 --> 01:20:23.160
Right.

927
01:20:23.160 --> 01:20:28.720
And that has honestly been such a habit.

928
01:20:28.720 --> 01:20:34.440
I mean, such a deeply ingrained habit that like, I don't, I'm not even stopping because

929
01:20:34.440 --> 01:20:39.920
I'm just busying myself doing and trying and thinking.

930
01:20:39.920 --> 01:20:43.440
And it's like, I'm not stopping to even be quiet enough.

931
01:20:43.440 --> 01:20:44.440
Yes.

932
01:20:44.440 --> 01:20:47.680
So it's stop doing whatever you're doing.

933
01:20:47.680 --> 01:20:53.760
So I'm not talking about, I'm not talking about externally, I'm talking, you know, internally,

934
01:20:53.760 --> 01:20:56.760
whatever it is you're doing, just tell yourself, just stop.

935
01:20:56.760 --> 01:21:00.800
If you're not getting a positive result in that moment, like you're standing at the kitchen

936
01:21:00.800 --> 01:21:04.120
sink and you're just in your, in your mind is spinning and you're thinking worse, but

937
01:21:04.120 --> 01:21:06.440
you're, you think, Oh, I'm trying to figure out a problem.

938
01:21:06.440 --> 01:21:09.360
No, if you're feeling bad, it's not working.

939
01:21:09.360 --> 01:21:13.280
So whatever it is you're doing, just tell yourself, stop, stop this letter.

940
01:21:13.280 --> 01:21:15.200
I feel like this is going to be me.

941
01:21:15.200 --> 01:21:20.000
Like I'm going to be like, and then like five minutes later or two minutes later, I'm going

942
01:21:20.000 --> 01:21:21.640
to be like, no, stop.

943
01:21:21.640 --> 01:21:22.640
Yeah.

944
01:21:22.640 --> 01:21:23.920
That's what, that's what people talked about.

945
01:21:23.920 --> 01:21:27.920
When I first started talking about this and back in April, that's what people write.

946
01:21:27.920 --> 01:21:31.920
In fact, if you look back in some of the posts in April and there's at least one post in

947
01:21:31.920 --> 01:21:35.760
there that talked about it, she, she would write, I think Amy would write a sentence

948
01:21:35.760 --> 01:21:39.800
and then she'd write stop and she'd write another sentence and she'd, she'd write stop

949
01:21:39.800 --> 01:21:43.640
and she'd write another sentence because she was, she was talking about the fact that she

950
01:21:43.640 --> 01:21:48.040
didn't realize how often that, that she was stirring her own self up.

951
01:21:48.040 --> 01:21:54.680
So she said, I'm constantly finding myself have to, to having to, having to tell myself,

952
01:21:54.680 --> 01:21:59.560
stop doing what you're doing because it's in such a habit and we're in such a habit.

953
01:21:59.560 --> 01:22:01.360
So anyway, that's the thing.

954
01:22:01.360 --> 01:22:04.080
So if you're trying to mull over a problem, you're like, oh, I'm trying to figure this

955
01:22:04.080 --> 01:22:05.080
out.

956
01:22:05.080 --> 01:22:06.080
I got to figure it out by tomorrow.

957
01:22:06.080 --> 01:22:09.840
If you're getting it, if things are not going well, in other words, you're feeling stressed,

958
01:22:09.840 --> 01:22:12.400
you're feeling anxious, you're, you're, it's getting confusing.

959
01:22:12.400 --> 01:22:13.640
You can't see up from down.

960
01:22:13.640 --> 01:22:17.440
You can't untie this very ridiculous, complicated knot.

961
01:22:17.440 --> 01:22:20.560
Just tell yourself, okay, whatever it is I'm doing, just stop.

962
01:22:20.560 --> 01:22:24.160
Stop the resistance, stop thinking, stop that feeling, stop that whatever it is that's going

963
01:22:24.160 --> 01:22:25.160
on in me.

964
01:22:25.160 --> 01:22:26.160
You know, just tell yourself, stop.

965
01:22:26.160 --> 01:22:29.560
You know, you'll understand it better when you watch the one called healing the soul

966
01:22:29.560 --> 01:22:30.680
through the spirit.

967
01:22:30.680 --> 01:22:31.680
Just tell yourself, stop.

968
01:22:31.680 --> 01:22:37.520
And when she stopped, let go of the problem for a second, shift into rest and be like,

969
01:22:37.520 --> 01:22:39.840
okay, I'm stopping resisting.

970
01:22:39.840 --> 01:22:41.960
I'm stopping doing whatever it was I'm doing now.

971
01:22:41.960 --> 01:22:45.560
I'm going to, because I'm stopping resisting because I'm stopped stopping doing whatever

972
01:22:45.560 --> 01:22:46.720
it was I'm doing.

973
01:22:46.720 --> 01:22:48.840
Now I'm going to naturally be everything.

974
01:22:48.840 --> 01:22:53.560
It is that I was trying so hard to do the being and really be the thing.

975
01:22:53.560 --> 01:22:58.080
So now that I'm being the thing, and now that I'm in a place of rest, now let's look at

976
01:22:58.080 --> 01:22:59.080
the problem again.

977
01:22:59.080 --> 01:23:03.400
Well, it's like I'm trying to be like I'm, my efforts are that I'm, it's not that I'm

978
01:23:03.400 --> 01:23:07.880
thinking I'm trying to do, it's I'm trying to be, but I'm trying to do to be, and by

979
01:23:07.880 --> 01:23:11.480
trying to do to be, I'm not being correct.

980
01:23:11.480 --> 01:23:15.480
You use anything that starts with the word, try stop there.

981
01:23:15.520 --> 01:23:20.520
So if you're trying to be, you don't need to try to be your old man had to try to be

982
01:23:20.520 --> 01:23:22.720
because he wasn't the thing naturally.

983
01:23:22.720 --> 01:23:25.320
Your new man doesn't have to try anything.

984
01:23:25.320 --> 01:23:26.720
He already is it.

985
01:23:26.720 --> 01:23:31.400
So if you're trying to be, that's an indication that something's wrong to yourself.

986
01:23:31.400 --> 01:23:34.800
That's how you can know and recognize and acknowledge that what's going on.

987
01:23:34.800 --> 01:23:35.800
Yeah.

988
01:23:35.800 --> 01:23:38.200
Cause she, it's effortless.

989
01:23:38.200 --> 01:23:42.240
You don't have to try to be anything you, you already are every, you are more than what

990
01:23:42.240 --> 01:23:46.000
it is you've ever hoped that you would be.

991
01:23:46.000 --> 01:23:51.920
That would, uh, that would warrant God's quote unquote approval and desire of you.

992
01:23:51.920 --> 01:23:53.440
You've already arrived.

993
01:23:53.440 --> 01:23:58.520
You've already become the thing that we have been told our whole lives by church that we

994
01:23:58.520 --> 01:24:01.040
thought we had to mature into.

995
01:24:01.040 --> 01:24:02.040
We already are that thing.

996
01:24:02.040 --> 01:24:05.480
We just need to allow ourselves to be at and stop resisting the fact that we already are

997
01:24:05.480 --> 01:24:06.480
the thing.

998
01:24:06.480 --> 01:24:12.200
Yes, girl, this is like, it's so funny because this really came up for the first

999
01:24:12.200 --> 01:24:13.200
time.

1000
01:24:13.200 --> 01:24:18.640
I mean like an epiphany and it came through a person in a conversation two years ago where,

1001
01:24:18.640 --> 01:24:22.440
but it, you know, where like, do you hear things and they don't sink in and then all

1002
01:24:22.440 --> 01:24:25.240
of a sudden you hear something and it really hits for the first time.

1003
01:24:25.240 --> 01:24:29.920
It was like, you know, that you're the person that you're trying so hard to be that you're

1004
01:24:29.920 --> 01:24:31.760
already hurt.

1005
01:24:31.760 --> 01:24:33.960
And I was like, wait, what?

1006
01:24:33.960 --> 01:24:41.600
Like it blew my whole mind because truly for at that point, 33 years, it was like, I was

1007
01:24:41.600 --> 01:24:46.560
trying to be this person that I thought I wasn't yet.

1008
01:24:46.560 --> 01:24:47.560
Yeah.

1009
01:24:47.560 --> 01:24:48.560
Yeah.

1010
01:24:48.560 --> 01:24:52.760
It's amazing how that can run your life.

1011
01:24:52.760 --> 01:24:59.640
And all the while I was hurt, all the while, all the while I was already hurt.

1012
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:04.000
That's so, so wild, but cool.

1013
01:25:04.000 --> 01:25:05.000
So I hear you.

1014
01:25:05.000 --> 01:25:06.000
I hear you.

1015
01:25:06.000 --> 01:25:07.000
Okay.

1016
01:25:07.000 --> 01:25:08.000
That's really good.

1017
01:25:08.000 --> 01:25:09.000
That's really good.

1018
01:25:09.000 --> 01:25:10.000
Thank you, Lord.

1019
01:25:10.000 --> 01:25:13.440
Well, I'm glad you reached out.

1020
01:25:13.440 --> 01:25:15.360
I'm glad you're doing that.

1021
01:25:15.360 --> 01:25:22.520
I'm glad to hear an update and I just, you know, you know, declare that, you know, the

1022
01:25:22.520 --> 01:25:28.520
Lord is sustaining you and he's providing obviously for you, but he's paving the way.

1023
01:25:28.520 --> 01:25:30.680
He's providing for the situation.

1024
01:25:30.680 --> 01:25:32.920
He's providing for your girls.

1025
01:25:32.920 --> 01:25:37.680
He doesn't burden you with the responsibility of providing for your girls.

1026
01:25:37.680 --> 01:25:47.600
He wants you to, just by being yourself, be the one that is allowing themselves to be

1027
01:25:47.600 --> 01:25:53.400
available for what it is that God wants to provide for them through you, but you don't

1028
01:25:53.400 --> 01:25:54.600
have to provide for them.

1029
01:25:54.600 --> 01:25:57.880
It's God who's providing for them through you.

1030
01:25:57.880 --> 01:26:06.760
So anyway, and also, also declare that God's, you know, give you his, will just reveal to

1031
01:26:06.760 --> 01:26:14.160
you his, his wisdom of how to navigate the situation that you will not, that you will

1032
01:26:14.160 --> 01:26:21.560
not be, don't want to word it like this, but you will not be taken for a ride by people

1033
01:26:21.640 --> 01:26:29.480
who are giving you advice that you don't know, that you wouldn't know was not advice that

1034
01:26:29.480 --> 01:26:35.760
you should be taking or anything like that, that he will, he will, he knows what should

1035
01:26:35.760 --> 01:26:39.560
and shouldn't be said and done and what it is you shouldn't, shouldn't do.

1036
01:26:39.560 --> 01:26:46.360
And regardless of what it is that you, that you end up doing and handling the mediation

1037
01:26:46.360 --> 01:26:51.080
and, and, you know, and taking or not taking the lawyer's advice or whatever that you

1038
01:26:51.080 --> 01:26:59.560
choose to do that, that God will smooth and pave the way and any wrinkles or waves that

1039
01:26:59.560 --> 01:27:05.520
are created, that he will come in and completely smooth them because he's determined that he's

1040
01:27:05.520 --> 01:27:11.120
responsible for the results and you don't have to bear the burden of the responsibility.

1041
01:27:11.120 --> 01:27:14.120
So, and that you will know that you're loved.

1042
01:27:15.120 --> 01:27:26.720
So, in all of this pressing timeline stuff, is it, it just sort of trying to flow, not

1043
01:27:26.720 --> 01:27:28.720
trying, not trying, stop.

1044
01:27:28.720 --> 01:27:29.720
That's okay.

1045
01:27:29.720 --> 01:27:30.720
Is it like.

1046
01:27:30.720 --> 01:27:32.200
They're not, they're not like.

1047
01:27:32.200 --> 01:27:38.600
Flowing with him in, in, you know, again, even the action steps where my peace is, is

1048
01:27:38.600 --> 01:27:39.600
at.

1049
01:27:39.600 --> 01:27:50.160
So taking the steps as I, I feel peace and, you know, on them and, and yet not worrying

1050
01:27:50.160 --> 01:27:56.560
if it's not happening according to that timeline that it seems like it should happen according

1051
01:27:56.560 --> 01:27:57.560
to either.

1052
01:27:57.560 --> 01:27:58.560
Correct.

1053
01:27:58.560 --> 01:28:02.720
Always look for where your piece is at, even when you're in the middle of a storm, even

1054
01:28:02.720 --> 01:28:08.400
when it looks like everything is upside down and backwards, et cetera, by the way, I don't

1055
01:28:08.400 --> 01:28:11.480
remember if I've told you, did I tell you that I've been sued and I've been through

1056
01:28:11.480 --> 01:28:12.480
a lawsuit?

1057
01:28:12.480 --> 01:28:13.480
Okay.

1058
01:28:13.480 --> 01:28:14.920
You mentioned that.

1059
01:28:14.920 --> 01:28:20.880
And I think now that you say that, that might be, you might've connected that to when you

1060
01:28:20.880 --> 01:28:27.160
said, I, I am familiar with this type of, like we could talk sometime about narcissistic

1061
01:28:27.160 --> 01:28:32.880
abuse or I don't know if you use that exact term, but you seem to understand the particulars.

1062
01:28:32.880 --> 01:28:35.760
And then I think you did tell me because I've been sued, but then that was the end of the

1063
01:28:35.760 --> 01:28:36.760
conversation.

1064
01:28:36.760 --> 01:28:37.760
So I forgot you said that till now.

1065
01:28:38.120 --> 01:28:39.120
Yeah.

1066
01:28:39.120 --> 01:28:42.120
The narcissism that I was referring to was actually unrelated to the lawsuit.

1067
01:28:42.120 --> 01:28:51.560
However, come to think of it, there was the, their, the lawyer that was on, that was, that

1068
01:28:51.560 --> 01:29:00.680
was the prosecuting lawyer was he, he was a major narcissist, Napoleon syndrome.

1069
01:29:00.680 --> 01:29:01.920
It was, it was bad.

1070
01:29:01.920 --> 01:29:09.960
It was so bad that the way that he, the way that he handled my deposition, the way he

1071
01:29:09.960 --> 01:29:14.920
handled my deposition was so bad that the lawyer publicly, you know, because your depositions

1072
01:29:14.920 --> 01:29:22.040
in private, that the lawyer, obviously the lawyer, the, the judge all obviously had the,

1073
01:29:22.040 --> 01:29:27.320
the stenographer's record as well as the video of the deposition.

1074
01:29:27.320 --> 01:29:34.520
And when we all went before the judge in a hearing, she publicly in front of the court

1075
01:29:34.520 --> 01:29:38.520
wrecked him over the coals or how he had treated me.

1076
01:29:38.520 --> 01:29:43.960
She just told him that it's not the way that any, any lawyer in, in this profession should

1077
01:29:43.960 --> 01:29:45.320
handle things.

1078
01:29:45.320 --> 01:29:51.720
And basically she was essentially throwing out the, the deposition and he asked if he

1079
01:29:51.720 --> 01:29:52.720
could do it again.

1080
01:29:52.720 --> 01:29:56.560
And she said, you can, but you will not ever treat her or anyone else like that again.

1081
01:29:56.560 --> 01:29:59.840
I mean, so the reason why I wanted to do this is...

1082
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:04.060
I'm, I'm aware that they, that the situations are extremely ugly and going

1083
01:30:04.060 --> 01:30:04.960
through and lawsuit.

1084
01:30:04.960 --> 01:30:08.640
And so I have walked through it just in case that's, I don't know, helpful when

1085
01:30:08.640 --> 01:30:12.220
you tell me things about like, oh, it feels like this and it feels like that.

1086
01:30:12.580 --> 01:30:17.020
Because even though someone doesn't have to have experienced something in order

1087
01:30:17.020 --> 01:30:20.660
to be able to speak truth, because truth tends by revelation of the spirit,

1088
01:30:20.940 --> 01:30:22.140
not by experience.

1089
01:30:22.420 --> 01:30:28.420
However, when people hear someone else's experience, it can make us feel like,

1090
01:30:28.560 --> 01:30:33.160
okay, when they tell me what they're telling me, they're not saying it just

1091
01:30:33.320 --> 01:30:37.040
in some like a theory or wonder land of they've never gone through what I've

1092
01:30:37.040 --> 01:30:41.080
gone through and therefore what they're talking about and what they've

1093
01:30:41.080 --> 01:30:44.360
experienced of how powerful this thing is that they're talking about.

1094
01:30:44.640 --> 01:30:46.280
That's for smaller things.

1095
01:30:46.280 --> 01:30:48.840
That's not for something as big as what I'm encountering.

1096
01:30:49.120 --> 01:30:50.400
I want people to understand.

1097
01:30:50.400 --> 01:30:55.640
No, it is fully, it can fully sustain us in the very serious, the very

1098
01:30:55.660 --> 01:30:58.460
powerful and the powerful things because it's that powerful.

1099
01:30:58.640 --> 01:30:59.700
So that's why I mentioned that.

1100
01:30:59.740 --> 01:31:03.100
So, and it would help me to hear, it does help me.

1101
01:31:03.100 --> 01:31:07.500
I mean, not that it's tonight, but it really does help me each time you

1102
01:31:07.500 --> 01:31:10.060
share like parts of your own story.

1103
01:31:10.060 --> 01:31:13.380
I know I say that a lot to you, but it's because it's important.

1104
01:31:13.500 --> 01:31:17.980
And I believe that deserves that, you know, because whether you, whether

1105
01:31:17.980 --> 01:31:24.060
it's in the group chats, you know, like tonight when you, you know, just

1106
01:31:24.060 --> 01:31:29.200
even when you shared about how he's freeing you to, to express, even in

1107
01:31:29.200 --> 01:31:34.720
your, your dress in your, in your style, you know, the freedom that you're

1108
01:31:34.720 --> 01:31:38.720
finding in him, like all of that as a woman, it just, it's that personal

1109
01:31:38.720 --> 01:31:44.920
experience really does just add to all of the, the truth, you know, from the

1110
01:31:44.920 --> 01:31:48.280
spirit and the teaching that is there no matter what, but then to know that

1111
01:31:48.320 --> 01:31:51.920
you've experienced it and especially when it comes to things like narcissism

1112
01:31:51.940 --> 01:31:57.220
or being in court and being sued or going up against, you know, somebody else

1113
01:31:57.220 --> 01:32:03.460
in court, like that's a, a unique experience that deserves to be shared.

1114
01:32:04.580 --> 01:32:07.460
You know, not that you have to go into the details, but I would even want to

1115
01:32:07.460 --> 01:32:12.660
know sometime, you know, probably sometime in this process, if we continue

1116
01:32:12.660 --> 01:32:15.900
in this legal process, you know, kind of how that felt at times or for you to

1117
01:32:16.760 --> 01:32:22.080
share that if it comes up, because, um, I don't really know that many people

1118
01:32:22.080 --> 01:32:26.920
who've gone through it that can relate on that and it's just very, it is

1119
01:32:26.920 --> 01:32:31.000
affirming and I don't know, it does bring value.

1120
01:32:31.040 --> 01:32:32.800
So I'm glad.

1121
01:32:32.840 --> 01:32:40.640
Well, if it's, um, helpful, the, um, I, I actually forget very, I usually do

1122
01:32:40.640 --> 01:32:43.000
not remember that I went through a lawsuit.

1123
01:32:43.600 --> 01:32:47.500
Um, in fact, I, I, you've been talking all this time about the lawsuit and

1124
01:32:47.500 --> 01:32:49.100
like, huh, I wonder what that's like.

1125
01:32:49.100 --> 01:32:52.340
And yeah, I've never had a bound court ever had financial and all that.

1126
01:32:52.340 --> 01:32:54.100
So, and all of a sudden I remember, Oh my word.

1127
01:32:55.980 --> 01:32:56.900
I mean, all the exact same.

1128
01:32:59.500 --> 01:32:59.860
Yeah.

1129
01:33:00.940 --> 01:33:04.480
Healing was healing rest restoration.

1130
01:33:04.660 --> 01:33:07.100
God promises full restoration redemption.

1131
01:33:07.580 --> 01:33:12.780
And, um, anyway, so anyway, I just mentioned that to you, you know, to, to

1132
01:33:12.780 --> 01:33:17.080
let you know that there there's, there's hope these things do not have to do.

1133
01:33:17.120 --> 01:33:19.000
Um, we do not have to carry with us.

1134
01:33:19.600 --> 01:33:19.920
Yeah.

1135
01:33:20.400 --> 01:33:24.800
They're not sewage that affects us and taints us for the rest of our life.

1136
01:33:26.400 --> 01:33:33.560
We will come, we can come out of the fire, not even smelling like smoke.

1137
01:33:33.800 --> 01:33:34.280
Yes.

1138
01:33:35.400 --> 01:33:36.000
Step away.

1139
01:33:36.320 --> 01:33:36.600
Wow.

1140
01:33:36.600 --> 01:33:38.040
That's a really good reminder, man.

1141
01:33:38.040 --> 01:33:38.600
That's so good.

1142
01:33:38.600 --> 01:33:40.080
Cause yes, he is promising that.

1143
01:33:40.080 --> 01:33:43.220
And sometimes when you're in the thick of it, you haven't experienced

1144
01:33:43.220 --> 01:33:46.900
the fullness of that freedom yet, but you're tasting of it and you're,

1145
01:33:46.980 --> 01:33:49.580
you know, but he promises the fullness of it.

1146
01:33:49.580 --> 01:33:51.700
And that's even my mentor, Nate Johnston.

1147
01:33:51.700 --> 01:33:55.420
I don't know if I've talked to you about, um, Nate and Christina,

1148
01:33:55.420 --> 01:33:56.620
I've probably mentioned it, but.

1149
01:33:58.020 --> 01:34:01.740
He's talking about this exact topic in his teachings lately.

1150
01:34:01.820 --> 01:34:03.540
Like it's so profound.

1151
01:34:05.100 --> 01:34:06.060
It's just so profound.

1152
01:34:06.060 --> 01:34:09.260
Cause he's saying like those of you all, you know, in this prophetic

1153
01:34:09.280 --> 01:34:12.720
mentorship group, like all of you who are, you know, have been through

1154
01:34:12.720 --> 01:34:17.080
whatever trauma, like it's really, the Lord is saying we don't have to carry

1155
01:34:17.080 --> 01:34:23.800
that on, like it's, we get to now it's a season to now enjoy, enjoy, enjoy

1156
01:34:23.840 --> 01:34:26.800
again, like, cause when you're in survival mode and you're living out

1157
01:34:26.800 --> 01:34:31.320
of trauma, it just can feel so heavy for so long and so dark that

1158
01:34:31.320 --> 01:34:33.360
you can lose sight of joy.

1159
01:34:33.360 --> 01:34:36.200
And he was just talking about how you don't, yeah.

1160
01:34:36.380 --> 01:34:41.980
Like the details of some, from someone who must've gone through their own

1161
01:34:42.140 --> 01:34:45.900
trials to really know how and articulate this to say that there is,

1162
01:34:45.940 --> 01:34:47.460
we don't have to keep it.

1163
01:34:47.500 --> 01:34:50.900
We don't, he doesn't intend for us to carry it forward, even though it felt

1164
01:34:50.900 --> 01:34:55.820
like it was a part of us for so long or that, you know, it ran so deep or

1165
01:34:55.820 --> 01:35:00.020
whatever, he truly can restore fully and wants to.

1166
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:06.000
and it's just beautiful so thank you for that friend you're welcome thank you so much and i

1167
01:35:06.000 --> 01:35:11.760
know i'm gonna be um working all day tomorrow and then with the girls all weekend but i would love

1168
01:35:11.760 --> 01:35:17.280
to just i'm just letting you know i would love to to have a chance to just sneak in a marco

1169
01:35:18.480 --> 01:35:26.880
yeah polo kind of thing um not that i expect anything from you but just as accountability

1170
01:35:26.880 --> 01:35:34.240
to myself to not go it alone i guess as i'm going through and doing all the things in equal days

1171
01:35:34.240 --> 01:35:41.200
that i'll be not out of out of touch or out of the loop um completely even if i'm not on facebook

1172
01:35:41.200 --> 01:35:47.520
and in the group much so yes please do please do i'd like to i'd like you to um stay in touch

1173
01:35:47.520 --> 01:35:54.160
with me via marco polo very glad i thought of that yay okay friend love you thank you so much

1174
01:35:54.160 --> 01:36:00.880
you too you speak well of course you too and your rainbow shirt so i guess you're probably

1175
01:36:02.240 --> 01:36:08.480
it's so perfect it's my favorite and i feel like it was for you today but also a gift to me that

1176
01:36:08.480 --> 01:36:15.360
you wore that good i'm so glad the lord talks to us in sweet ways yes rainbows and colors are

1177
01:36:15.360 --> 01:36:21.680
are just big almost like hourly this week it's just i can't even tell you like i've had personal

1178
01:36:21.680 --> 01:36:28.240
friends send me personal private messages of rainbows double rainbows posting rainbows

1179
01:36:28.880 --> 01:36:35.280
everywhere rainbows and it's like they're just so much right now through through colors so

1180
01:36:36.000 --> 01:36:40.800
yeah all right and one more thing to mention about the rainbows is remember that when god

1181
01:36:40.800 --> 01:36:47.680
made that promise it was not a promise that was asked for he is so good that he said i would like

1182
01:36:47.760 --> 01:36:56.560
to offer to myself that i will that i will never flood the earth again so just think about the

1183
01:36:56.560 --> 01:37:01.200
promises that he that um you know you feel like he's communicating to you all this promise

1184
01:37:01.200 --> 01:37:05.840
it's something that he's offering you that is so good and so above and beyond that it's something

1185
01:37:05.840 --> 01:37:12.800
you're not even asking for so anyway and he and he's pursuing you with it like a lover like a

1186
01:37:12.800 --> 01:37:19.760
lover oh oh oh and also really cool news the same two women that lead taff the organization um

1187
01:37:21.280 --> 01:37:26.240
they shared with me after they asked about the custody and then it just kind of like came out

1188
01:37:26.240 --> 01:37:30.640
as this huge blessing that they help with legal fees and and want to help with that and then we

1189
01:37:30.640 --> 01:37:36.640
talked about the collaboration piece of what we want to do um and then they said well actually

1190
01:37:36.640 --> 01:37:43.520
we're gonna start a study um the first study with this connect group of women and it's gonna be on

1191
01:37:43.520 --> 01:37:51.040
song of solomon oh wow that's great like the divine romance and i was just thinking this is so

1192
01:37:51.040 --> 01:37:56.560
wild it's like he's been saying my love is wild and it's you know tender and kind of back to the

1193
01:37:56.560 --> 01:38:01.920
beginning like teaching one of what we came into with the rest intensive and and we'll go back to

1194
01:38:01.920 --> 01:38:08.400
but it's it's all he's just all pointing to yeah he wants to take us deeper into his love and he's

1195
01:38:08.400 --> 01:38:13.920
saying that for me for sure like i want to it's love and rest love and rest like that's those

1196
01:38:13.920 --> 01:38:21.280
two big themes and so it's pretty cool that um yeah love is what gives us rest but how many how

1197
01:38:21.280 --> 01:38:28.160
many women study song of solomon i know you're right yeah that's pretty cool how many people

1198
01:38:28.480 --> 01:38:32.960
agree yeah i know because it feels very intimidating because there's so much like

1199
01:38:32.960 --> 01:38:39.120
well what is that yes and i've been meaning to say this is a really probably i hope it's not

1200
01:38:39.120 --> 01:38:45.280
awkward to you interesting topic to end with but when you talked about i re-listened to part of

1201
01:38:45.280 --> 01:38:50.320
your teaching your your loved one the first one where you talk about how it's very different to

1202
01:38:50.320 --> 01:38:55.760
talk about him being sexually aroused by his people and how it's like spiritually you know

1203
01:38:55.760 --> 01:39:02.720
not the way that we would think of it physically but that um yeah but that's very real and it's

1204
01:39:02.720 --> 01:39:08.800
interesting because there's been times in this journey with him of singleness that um oh they're

1205
01:39:08.800 --> 01:39:20.480
pulling up to say it's the park is closed oh shoot okay hi there yes i ended up on a zoom call late

1206
01:39:20.560 --> 01:39:29.120
i need to go thank you okay good night i guess the park closed at a certain time here recently

1207
01:39:29.120 --> 01:39:36.080
um so they don't have people hanging up um so yes i'm wrapping up and he's not he was really

1208
01:39:36.080 --> 01:39:44.240
friendly um okay but with with that whole thing there's been this is super i hope it's not tmi

1209
01:39:44.240 --> 01:39:48.800
but like there's just been a few times in my season of singleness this year specifically like

1210
01:39:48.800 --> 01:39:53.040
god totally took me through this purity thing where i struggled for a really long time with

1211
01:39:53.040 --> 01:39:59.520
like just the sexual i mean i was married for 10 years and i was never really sexually like i was

1212
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:04.200
Um, I had a couple of long-term relationships before I got married, but I only slept with

1213
01:40:04.200 --> 01:40:06.880
one person before I got married.

1214
01:40:06.880 --> 01:40:11.720
And um, that was like, you know, a long-term five-year dating relationship.

1215
01:40:11.720 --> 01:40:12.720
And I felt awful.

1216
01:40:12.720 --> 01:40:17.600
And there was all this struggle of like, we were trying to like not to go to youth group

1217
01:40:17.600 --> 01:40:21.560
and doing all the right things, but like, we'd already opened that door and it was so

1218
01:40:21.560 --> 01:40:25.040
hard and then there's just, uh, whatever, young love.

1219
01:40:25.040 --> 01:40:28.720
And then it's like me and my husband, we even waited, we, you know, and then, but then you

1220
01:40:28.720 --> 01:40:35.240
go through this horrible, yeah, divorce and you're thinking like, here we waited and look

1221
01:40:35.240 --> 01:40:38.440
how that blew up, you know, like who cares?

1222
01:40:38.440 --> 01:40:43.880
I mean, you know, so I kind of went through a, a, just a really broken stage of just really

1223
01:40:43.880 --> 01:40:46.240
not caring anymore.

1224
01:40:46.240 --> 01:40:47.240
Like you know what I mean?

1225
01:40:47.240 --> 01:40:50.560
Like things that I had never done or I didn't party a lot in college and all that.

1226
01:40:50.560 --> 01:40:54.080
So I really, I went through several dating relationships where I just kind of gave myself

1227
01:40:54.080 --> 01:40:58.260
away and those thinking, you know, while I'm all in with this person or each time I kind

1228
01:40:58.260 --> 01:41:01.260
of thought like, this is going to go somewhere.

1229
01:41:01.260 --> 01:41:05.340
One of them, I felt just kind of compelled because he actually took advantage of me.

1230
01:41:05.340 --> 01:41:09.060
And so then I thought I had, I was like, I feel like I have to date him now because I've

1231
01:41:09.060 --> 01:41:10.380
never had a one night stand.

1232
01:41:10.380 --> 01:41:12.360
Like that's not who I am, you know?

1233
01:41:12.360 --> 01:41:17.500
So I ended up going, you know, all of a sudden, like I slept with a several people like, Ooh,

1234
01:41:17.500 --> 01:41:22.220
you know, I mean, so many friends I know, like they could tally it up back when I was

1235
01:41:22.220 --> 01:41:27.100
like, I've only been with one person, you know, but there's no shame necessarily in

1236
01:41:27.100 --> 01:41:28.100
that.

1237
01:41:28.100 --> 01:41:34.320
Now, like I look back on that, but the point is, is that it was a year ago today, actually.

1238
01:41:34.320 --> 01:41:35.320
So we're celebrating right now.

1239
01:41:35.320 --> 01:41:41.460
It was a year ago today that I committed to the Lord to be single and said goodbye to

1240
01:41:41.460 --> 01:41:43.740
a relationship he called me away from.

1241
01:41:43.740 --> 01:41:50.540
And a year ago today, a year ago today, sitting in a park, it's a very monumental day, like

1242
01:41:50.540 --> 01:41:55.840
huge because he's, he's moved so much in my life in this one year, it's not even funny.

1243
01:41:55.840 --> 01:42:01.080
But one thing he did was like, take me out of a very, like, that was a very sexual, like

1244
01:42:01.080 --> 01:42:08.920
we had a, it was like, we were married, like it was, which is not cool.

1245
01:42:08.920 --> 01:42:12.960
Like he basically said, we're covenanted and we have like this commitment ceremony and

1246
01:42:12.960 --> 01:42:19.000
everything with like these prophetic like pastors, but it was very, very like closed

1247
01:42:19.000 --> 01:42:26.880
and small and, you know, just several people, um, they're like private and secret and do

1248
01:42:26.880 --> 01:42:27.880
you know what I mean?

1249
01:42:27.880 --> 01:42:32.120
But it was like, he was, he was encouraging me and he's like a worship leader and this

1250
01:42:32.120 --> 01:42:36.360
prophetic person that all these people like talk about and look up to and stuff.

1251
01:42:36.360 --> 01:42:38.720
So I just was like trusting that he was different.

1252
01:42:38.720 --> 01:42:44.520
And then I, I fell into that in the sense that I was like, oh yeah, well we, you know,

1253
01:42:44.520 --> 01:42:48.760
it all just seemed so real and so right.

1254
01:42:49.520 --> 01:42:52.120
And so it didn't feel like we were rushing, but we were totally rushing.

1255
01:42:52.120 --> 01:42:59.760
And so when that ended, um, it was me having to choose to listen because the Lord is very

1256
01:42:59.760 --> 01:43:02.680
clear and Holy Spirit told me like, there's no hope here.

1257
01:43:02.680 --> 01:43:07.320
And I tried everything I could once, basically once the commitment ceremony happened, he

1258
01:43:07.320 --> 01:43:10.640
turned into like another person, like all his true colors came out.

1259
01:43:10.640 --> 01:43:13.120
And so we spent a few months trying to figure that out.

1260
01:43:13.120 --> 01:43:17.520
So I knew by the end of that relationship, the Lord was so clear with me.

1261
01:43:17.520 --> 01:43:18.720
That was the end.

1262
01:43:18.720 --> 01:43:24.160
That was truly the end of that cycle thinking I needed a man or that, you know, this person

1263
01:43:24.160 --> 01:43:25.440
was going to be different.

1264
01:43:25.440 --> 01:43:29.520
Even somebody like that seems so wonderful and all these worship circles and, and people

1265
01:43:29.520 --> 01:43:31.960
that I knew and trusted and whatever.

1266
01:43:31.960 --> 01:43:37.240
And I was just had no desire, but I still struggled sexually, like because of all the

1267
01:43:37.240 --> 01:43:45.360
impurity that was there and thinking that we were like almost married and like, he took

1268
01:43:45.360 --> 01:43:51.600
me from being, you know, being physical with him in that relationship to then being completely

1269
01:43:51.600 --> 01:43:55.960
done my choice, which heart was heartbreaking because I thought I was going to marry this

1270
01:43:55.960 --> 01:43:56.960
guy.

1271
01:43:56.960 --> 01:43:57.960
Right.

1272
01:43:57.960 --> 01:44:00.080
But my choice to choose the Lord over him.

1273
01:44:00.080 --> 01:44:03.960
And then I was still struggling with like, you know, self-pleasure, the masturbation

1274
01:44:03.960 --> 01:44:04.960
thing.

1275
01:44:04.960 --> 01:44:07.600
And that had been a long-term struggle off and on.

1276
01:44:07.600 --> 01:44:13.280
And just a guilting, horrible shaming process of like, I would feel so awful.

1277
01:44:13.280 --> 01:44:15.320
And then I would shame myself and on and on.

1278
01:44:15.320 --> 01:44:17.440
And he completely took it from me.

1279
01:44:17.440 --> 01:44:22.080
Like just, just under a year ago, soon after that relationship ended, like took it after

1280
01:44:22.080 --> 01:44:25.560
like, that was like, I was 16 when I discovered that.

1281
01:44:25.560 --> 01:44:31.120
And so I had never, you know, had it completely taken from me.

1282
01:44:31.120 --> 01:44:35.120
It was still an ongoing struggle for 20 years, you know?

1283
01:44:35.120 --> 01:44:36.120
Right.

1284
01:44:36.120 --> 01:44:37.120
Yeah.

1285
01:44:37.120 --> 01:44:41.000
Cause almost 20, you know, 20 years says I'll be 36.

1286
01:44:41.000 --> 01:44:42.200
And so that was huge.

1287
01:44:42.200 --> 01:44:45.300
But then more recently in the past few months, this is where I'm like, I hope this isn't

1288
01:44:45.300 --> 01:44:46.300
TMI.

1289
01:44:46.300 --> 01:44:52.980
There's been a few times where just in my, in my sleep, like in my dreams and just, and

1290
01:44:52.980 --> 01:44:57.860
he's given me so many more dreams and prophetic dreams and stuff, like I've orgasmed and not

1291
01:44:57.860 --> 01:45:00.020
hadn't had, hadn't had anything to do.

1292
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:05.200
with any. Yeah. Physical, sexual relationship or anything. And I almost was like wanted

1293
01:45:05.200 --> 01:45:09.520
to feel guilty, but then I was like, but I can't, I don't feel like I should, what can

1294
01:45:09.520 --> 01:45:15.280
feel guilty because why, you know, but it was, it was interesting because I wondered,

1295
01:45:15.280 --> 01:45:22.160
you know, does anybody ever experience this? And is this, is this. People do, absolutely.

1296
01:45:22.160 --> 01:45:29.480
Is it like something that, you know, is completely separate from the impure kind of experiences

1297
01:45:29.480 --> 01:45:36.840
I've had in the past. It seems so different, you know? Yeah. Well, you, why? Because you

1298
01:45:36.840 --> 01:45:42.920
were quote unquote unconscious and then, and it was happening in your dream and you weren't

1299
01:45:43.400 --> 01:45:47.240
Well, yeah, I think that was a big piece of it. I was not, you know.

1300
01:45:51.880 --> 01:45:52.360
You what?

1301
01:45:55.400 --> 01:46:04.840
Oh, I thought where, um, uh, you know, I wasn't, I wasn't awake. Yeah. Yeah. Correct. So, yeah. Oh,

1302
01:46:04.840 --> 01:46:12.360
I was just saying I wasn't awake. Okay. And one of the times, you know, two of the times were

1303
01:46:12.360 --> 01:46:18.760
just like completely, purely like had that experience in my sleep. So I didn't even know,

1304
01:46:18.760 --> 01:46:23.720
you know, is, I guess that's also still physical things. I felt the sensations and everything,

1305
01:46:23.720 --> 01:46:30.040
but I was completely asleep. Um, and there was no sexual dream, no man in the picture, nothing.

1306
01:46:30.920 --> 01:46:41.160
Yeah. Correct. Yeah. Um, I don't, uh, um, I mean the way that I have believed,

1307
01:46:42.360 --> 01:46:49.320
I don't know how to put this. Um, even when we're unconscious, you know, if, if there are

1308
01:46:49.320 --> 01:46:55.560
things that are either, um, that are our souls still believes that we have been, that we have

1309
01:46:55.560 --> 01:47:07.160
given, um, um, if we have a kind of like a particular bent or in other words, a, that's

1310
01:47:07.160 --> 01:47:13.480
a really bad way to put it. If, if there's something that are, are, um, our soul is still

1311
01:47:13.480 --> 01:47:21.320
not in agreement with the Lord about regarding that, then, then it can still evidence itself

1312
01:47:21.320 --> 01:47:27.960
in our dream. And because our soul can show what it is, it can show some deep things within us in

1313
01:47:27.960 --> 01:47:36.760
our dreams also though, but here's the thing. So it's not that maybe how, uh, like, uh,

1314
01:47:38.040 --> 01:47:44.760
the, the enemy can also attack us at night and can tack us in. In other words, it attacks us

1315
01:47:44.760 --> 01:47:51.720
in areas in which we're weak, not in areas in which we're strong. So, um, so both of those

1316
01:47:51.720 --> 01:47:57.960
seem kind of negative, both examples you gave. Correct. Correct. I mean, cause in other words,

1317
01:47:57.960 --> 01:48:06.600
it's not, it's not a good and like this wholly, you know, theme, even though it's happening where,

1318
01:48:06.600 --> 01:48:12.200
you know, someone is asleep and they're not consciously making a decision because there's

1319
01:48:12.200 --> 01:48:16.680
something that, you know, we're more than, than our conscious. We're also our subconscious. And

1320
01:48:16.680 --> 01:48:22.120
then some people even categorize it in the third area called the unconscious, whatever, however

1321
01:48:22.120 --> 01:48:27.880
many consciousness feels that we have, you know, it's still, there's a, there's their, um, their

1322
01:48:27.880 --> 01:48:34.120
triggers and their roots to within us. So the thing is that, that perhaps I do not know this,

1323
01:48:34.120 --> 01:48:37.560
and I'm not trying to declare this over you. I'm just giving you some ideas that you can take

1324
01:48:37.560 --> 01:48:42.520
before the Lord and see. Um, in other words, basically, here's my point. Just take all of

1325
01:48:42.520 --> 01:48:48.680
that before the Lord and say, Lord, I do not know where this came from, but because you know, you

1326
01:48:48.680 --> 01:48:54.680
have, you, I declared that you have healed me and it is manifested as healing for the past year.

1327
01:48:54.680 --> 01:48:59.720
I don't know where these other things came from while I was in my sleep, but I don't know if,

1328
01:48:59.720 --> 01:49:06.280
if, um, Satan was attacking me in my, in my weakness in an area that is so deep that I don't

1329
01:49:06.280 --> 01:49:10.680
even know, I still have that accusation against your character. Lord, I still didn't know it was

1330
01:49:10.680 --> 01:49:16.360
there, but he knew it was there. And so he attacked it at night and my soul responded.

1331
01:49:16.360 --> 01:49:20.920
So Lord, I am giving that to you. And I'm declaring, as you have, I'm declaring your

1332
01:49:20.920 --> 01:49:27.080
words back to you that, that I am healed, that I am restored, that I am, you know, forgiven,

1333
01:49:27.080 --> 01:49:30.360
that I am, you know, whatever it is that the Lord walked you through specifically,

1334
01:49:30.360 --> 01:49:34.680
that was important to you and him when he, when you say that he, he freed you from it.

1335
01:49:34.680 --> 01:49:41.160
I am free, not, I will be free and you did free me. No, no, no. It's so way beyond. It was like,

1336
01:49:41.160 --> 01:49:46.440
it was like back when Christ died on a cross, you were freed and you're declaring all those things.

1337
01:49:46.440 --> 01:49:51.800
I am healed. I am freed. I am. And then, and so, and then you just leave it. You just leave it

1338
01:49:51.800 --> 01:49:57.240
as doorstep. You declare because you have the right to declare the judge's words after him

1339
01:49:57.240 --> 01:49:59.880
that he has already declared to be true. Yeah.

1340
01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:03.360
You just declare them again. And then, and then you go on, you don't have to,

1341
01:50:03.360 --> 01:50:07.040
you had, don't have to ruminate over it. And, you know, or, you know,

1342
01:50:07.040 --> 01:50:10.120
I'm sorry. You know, sackcloth and ashes. No, you're just like,

1343
01:50:10.600 --> 01:50:14.600
it does seem like negative. It's not like a thing from the Lord.

1344
01:50:18.720 --> 01:50:24.000
Well, I mean, did you feel any, any peace from the spirit about it?

1345
01:50:24.720 --> 01:50:27.320
Yeah. You felt peace from the spirit.

1346
01:50:28.320 --> 01:50:31.440
Like I felt peace from the spirit.

1347
01:50:32.840 --> 01:50:36.840
Well, sure. I mean, I, I didn't feel any impurity.

1348
01:50:37.200 --> 01:50:38.480
And so that's what I'm asking. Like,

1349
01:50:38.520 --> 01:50:43.120
is that impure just because that happens if there's no

1350
01:50:43.120 --> 01:50:46.760
association with impurity and there's, there's no lack of

1351
01:50:48.520 --> 01:50:51.240
Understand that even when we do things like say, for instance,

1352
01:50:51.280 --> 01:50:53.120
even if you were to have done it consciously,

1353
01:50:53.640 --> 01:50:54.960
like I'm not talking about in your dream,

1354
01:50:55.320 --> 01:50:59.360
we're talking about like consciously awakened, you're still not tainted.

1355
01:51:00.080 --> 01:51:03.880
So regardless of whether it's in the dream or out of the dream,

1356
01:51:04.120 --> 01:51:07.280
doing it consciously or unconsciously, you're not tainted.

1357
01:51:07.560 --> 01:51:10.920
So there's nothing that we have to consider or worry about or,

1358
01:51:10.920 --> 01:51:15.480
or deal with regarding that. So as far as like the whole negative thing,

1359
01:51:15.760 --> 01:51:19.080
but it can't be a spiritual thing. Like it can't be like a good thing.

1360
01:51:20.320 --> 01:51:24.720
Well usually it reveals the fact I'm saying usually because I'm

1361
01:51:24.720 --> 01:51:28.360
couching it a bit. Usually it's, it's

1362
01:51:29.520 --> 01:51:31.320
an evidence of, you know,

1363
01:51:31.520 --> 01:51:35.200
and of a way in which we do not believe we're being protected and provided for

1364
01:51:35.200 --> 01:51:38.560
by the Lord. So we're making provision for ourselves to feel good.

1365
01:51:38.840 --> 01:51:42.520
A lot of times masturbation and, and, and

1366
01:51:44.000 --> 01:51:47.120
pornography come from a,

1367
01:51:48.200 --> 01:51:51.520
from someone who has dealt with a mother wound.

1368
01:51:52.520 --> 01:51:56.640
Sure. That is, that's where a lot of that comes from. But, um,

1369
01:51:56.800 --> 01:51:58.560
so anyway, as far as,

1370
01:51:58.600 --> 01:52:03.480
even if you're not masturbating or it has nothing to do with anything sexual,

1371
01:52:03.560 --> 01:52:07.240
it's just the sensation of euphoria.

1372
01:52:07.760 --> 01:52:10.800
And it's, you don't feel like you're not masturbating.

1373
01:52:10.800 --> 01:52:14.440
You're not doing anything to make it happen. It's like,

1374
01:52:15.640 --> 01:52:18.640
like you're saying that, right. I just want to be clear, clear, like,

1375
01:52:19.400 --> 01:52:22.760
well, it could be left over from that.

1376
01:52:23.280 --> 01:52:26.400
Even if it's not in this case due to that.

1377
01:52:27.800 --> 01:52:32.120
Well, okay. So I'm going to, I do not know. I do not know what happens.

1378
01:52:32.160 --> 01:52:36.720
I don't know what it all in the spirit. I do know that the thing itself,

1379
01:52:37.560 --> 01:52:42.480
you know, orgasm, all of that. It's not bad. So therefore,

1380
01:52:43.080 --> 01:52:47.000
so, so it's when we're trying to self pleasure,

1381
01:52:47.000 --> 01:52:47.960
self gratify,

1382
01:52:47.960 --> 01:52:51.640
because we believe that we are lacking and we're trying to provide it for

1383
01:52:51.640 --> 01:52:56.080
ourselves. That's the problem. So if we do it in the right, in the,

1384
01:52:56.080 --> 01:52:59.200
in the way that God intended for it to operate, it's great.

1385
01:52:59.480 --> 01:53:02.320
So therefore, and it's good and God given.

1386
01:53:02.320 --> 01:53:06.080
So therefore my point is take this before the Lord.

1387
01:53:06.080 --> 01:53:09.720
You said that you felt peace in your spirit about it. Is there some way,

1388
01:53:09.720 --> 01:53:11.240
God is the one who made our bodies.

1389
01:53:11.560 --> 01:53:15.480
God's the one who made that a good and wonderful thing for us to feel.

1390
01:53:16.200 --> 01:53:18.280
So as far as like,

1391
01:53:18.280 --> 01:53:22.520
is there some spiritual way in which he was,

1392
01:53:23.000 --> 01:53:23.560
I don't know,

1393
01:53:23.560 --> 01:53:28.560
allowing your body to respond euphorically or manifest a euphoria that,

1394
01:53:33.040 --> 01:53:34.440
I don't know, you know,

1395
01:53:34.440 --> 01:53:38.440
that was him trying to communicate something to you or what,

1396
01:53:38.480 --> 01:53:39.360
what would you call it?

1397
01:53:40.280 --> 01:53:43.960
Could it be part of me receiving his love? And I don't know,

1398
01:53:44.000 --> 01:53:49.000
is that totally wrong or weird because we're talking about his love being,

1399
01:53:50.200 --> 01:53:51.240
you know, this.

1400
01:53:54.520 --> 01:53:58.120
To be perfectly honest, I, I do not know.

1401
01:53:59.800 --> 01:54:04.800
I, because when I was talking about the fact that he's sexually aroused by his

1402
01:54:06.320 --> 01:54:07.160
people,

1403
01:54:07.360 --> 01:54:12.120
it's sexually aroused in a spiritual way that sexual arousal is a type and

1404
01:54:12.160 --> 01:54:13.320
shadow of on this earth,

1405
01:54:13.920 --> 01:54:18.920
but it doesn't mean that as far as like is any way that he interacts with it and

1406
01:54:19.640 --> 01:54:20.480
the spirit,

1407
01:54:20.560 --> 01:54:23.960
does it ever manifest down into the body in that way?

1408
01:54:24.880 --> 01:54:27.960
To be honest, I do not know.

1409
01:54:28.320 --> 01:54:32.200
There's part of me that, that, and that believes, well, my goodness, you know,

1410
01:54:32.200 --> 01:54:34.840
God does all kinds of things that, you know,

1411
01:54:34.880 --> 01:54:38.080
we would just immediately say absolutely no to that.

1412
01:54:38.200 --> 01:54:39.040
Yeah.

1413
01:54:41.560 --> 01:54:44.640
I also feel like, you know, again, it's, it's,

1414
01:54:44.640 --> 01:54:49.640
it's sexual in some nature because there's that physical sensation with it.

1415
01:54:50.480 --> 01:54:54.560
So, you know, even though I didn't, I didn't do anything to cause it,

1416
01:54:56.160 --> 01:54:59.560
it could be, yeah, I could see how it could be from the soul or it could be from

1417
01:54:59.560 --> 01:55:00.400
the spirit.

1418
01:55:00.000 --> 01:55:04.840
So yeah, so my point is that there are so many times that we would just automatically

1419
01:55:04.840 --> 01:55:07.760
dismiss something as, Oh my goodness, that can't be from the Lord.

1420
01:55:07.760 --> 01:55:09.640
And God's like, why wouldn't it be?

1421
01:55:09.640 --> 01:55:10.640
You know?

1422
01:55:10.640 --> 01:55:11.640
So I'm very aware of that.

1423
01:55:11.640 --> 01:55:17.600
And that, and I'm saying, I don't know at the same time though, I am very aware that

1424
01:55:17.600 --> 01:55:21.640
there are all kinds of things that we claim, like say for instance, when people have those,

1425
01:55:21.640 --> 01:55:29.240
those public orgies, because that sexual act is a gift from the Lord, but doing it publicly

1426
01:55:29.240 --> 01:55:32.540
and doing it for certain things does not make it a good thing.

1427
01:55:32.540 --> 01:55:37.760
Even though it is to people who are consensual, maybe even husbands and wives, I don't know,

1428
01:55:37.760 --> 01:55:41.040
whatever you do, but doing it in public and all of that, it's kind of like, and they're

1429
01:55:41.040 --> 01:55:43.800
saying, Oh yeah, this is an act of worship to the Lord.

1430
01:55:43.800 --> 01:55:50.020
Uh, no, not in public that, you know what I'm saying is that there's like, God does

1431
01:55:50.020 --> 01:55:53.320
all kinds of things and it's bigger than what it is that we believe that he is.

1432
01:55:53.320 --> 01:55:58.000
But as far as like something like this, to be honest, I do not know.

1433
01:55:58.000 --> 01:56:00.880
I could see it going either way is my point.

1434
01:56:00.880 --> 01:56:04.280
So, so the Lord, how I felt about it too.

1435
01:56:04.280 --> 01:56:05.280
So that's good.

1436
01:56:05.280 --> 01:56:06.280
Yeah.

1437
01:56:06.280 --> 01:56:10.840
And just kind of let it rest at exactly whatever you do.

1438
01:56:10.840 --> 01:56:16.400
You just, you just take it before him and just respond according to whatever way that

1439
01:56:16.400 --> 01:56:20.800
he gives you peace in your spirit, because you don't have to worry that if you have peace

1440
01:56:20.800 --> 01:56:24.200
in your spirit, Oh, but what if something was wrong, but I'm not feeling that it was

1441
01:56:24.200 --> 01:56:25.200
wrong.

1442
01:56:25.200 --> 01:56:26.540
And there's nothing.

1443
01:56:26.540 --> 01:56:29.420
If you have peace in your spirit, there's nothing that God is saying that needs to be

1444
01:56:29.420 --> 01:56:33.460
reconciled or whatever, because remember, even if you had done it intentionally, you're

1445
01:56:33.460 --> 01:56:34.460
not tainted.

1446
01:56:34.460 --> 01:56:39.940
So it doesn't matter if you have peace in your spirit, then God's like, Hey, we're fine.

1447
01:56:39.940 --> 01:56:40.940
You and I are fine.

1448
01:56:40.940 --> 01:56:41.940
Yeah.

1449
01:56:41.940 --> 01:56:42.940
Okay.

1450
01:56:42.940 --> 01:56:43.940
That's the important thing.

1451
01:56:43.940 --> 01:56:44.940
Okay.

1452
01:56:44.940 --> 01:56:45.940
That's good.

1453
01:56:45.940 --> 01:56:46.940
Cool.

1454
01:56:46.940 --> 01:56:47.940
That's so awesome.

1455
01:56:47.940 --> 01:56:48.940
Thank you.

1456
01:56:48.940 --> 01:56:49.940
You're welcome.

1457
01:56:49.940 --> 01:56:53.580
I hope you have a good night.

1458
01:56:53.580 --> 01:56:54.580
You too, friend.

1459
01:56:54.580 --> 01:57:01.780
Get some good rest and I will, while I'm playing with the girlies this weekend, I'll just say

1460
01:57:01.780 --> 01:57:02.780
hi.

1461
01:57:02.780 --> 01:57:03.780
I'm Marco.

1462
01:57:03.780 --> 01:57:05.940
I'll look forward to be in touch.

1463
01:57:05.940 --> 01:57:06.940
Okay.

1464
01:57:06.940 --> 01:57:07.940
Okay.

1465
01:57:07.940 --> 01:57:08.940
Awesome.

1466
01:57:08.940 --> 01:57:09.940
All right.

1467
01:57:09.940 --> 01:57:10.940
Love you.

1468
01:57:10.940 --> 01:57:11.940
Love you too.

1469
01:57:11.940 --> 01:57:12.940
Bye.

1470
01:57:12.940 --> 01:57:12.940