WEBVTT

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Hey, yes, I can see you good. I'm sorry about that link. I'm apparently I don't know. I lost Internet connection at some point. And so it stopped the meeting.

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Anyway, so it kicked me out of it too. So, like, okay, well, here's a new one. That's totally fine.

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So I've been looking forward to this. We haven't gotten up in a while. I know. I know. I was excited too. And amazingly, miraculously, my kids are all having quiet time. Lori's probably sleeping by now. But yeah, so nice.

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So what's going on at me?

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Oh, my. Well, as far as life goes, oh, man, I'm trying to think what's new. I feel like we've just been settling into, like, just normal life. And we've never lived anywhere for this long, like, in one place. So it's actually been really nice.

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Oh, yeah.

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Um, in October, it'll be three years that we live here. So yeah.

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That's hard to believe. Wow.

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I know. So yeah, in the middle of just parenting and business, and just all the boring life stuff that actually feels really good for. Yeah, I'm excited for life stuff.

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Oh, yeah. Yeah, it does. I enjoy my, I don't know, my mundane, you know, things that people call mundane, you know, just, what do they call it? Domesticity, you know, just domestic stuff. Like, as weird as it sounds, like just doing the dishes, even though it's not like my favorite thing to do. It's like, I enjoy what I get out of it. I enjoy, oh, there's order, and there's, and everything's clean.

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And so I enjoy stuff like that. I enjoy taking care of my garden and whatever. I don't know. It's just a slower time of life right now. So I understand. Yeah. So what's going on?

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Well, I feel a little more emotionally stable than when I

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The other day.

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Oh, man. But yeah, we got home from DBS. I think it was Tuesday night.

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And I was just I was just mad on Tuesday. I just felt really angry and angry at life and mad at Arnold and I was just generally ticked at the world. And then I had to go and do game night at DBS with like 120 children that I was supposed to be nice to. And it was so loud. And it was it went okay. But yeah, then that night we came home and Arnold and I finally attempted to make amends.

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And, and that went well, we were able to talk and I felt like it went, it went really well. And so I feel like since then him and I are more connected and stuff.

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But yeah, I feel like I've been kind of in this cycle this year of like trying to figure out, okay.

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Like I know I'm I'm one one person, you know, spiritually, mentally, physically, and all that stuff. I feel like I'm trying to figure out this year, like, what is going on with my like with me mentally? Like, is it? Is it physical problems? Like, and I think I know that it's all connected. I'm just trying to figure out which end to start fixing it.

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And I've been doing some health stuff. I've been working with a functional medicine doctor, and he's recommended a few different things. And I feel like that was kind of the start of when I I feel like I started realizing that I think I shared this on the rest intensive, like the reunion or whatever.

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How I started realizing, like, what it was like, I could label it as intrusive thoughts. And I never knew what to call it before. And also realizing, you know, that not everybody deals with that. So it kind of gave me hope, but also kind of made me feel like, really, like other people don't have to like fight so hard to not be dragged down by this every single day.

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What do you mean by intrusive thoughts? Like,

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What do you mean by intrusive thoughts? Like,

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Well, like, okay, so it was really bad when I was little, it would be always like,

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It was more, that was more like worry, or like, if I felt guilty about something, even if I shouldn't have felt guilty about it, it was like, I literally couldn't stop, couldn't stop thinking about it. And I would try, I would try so hard. And I know there was a time in my life where like, every time a thought would come into my mind, I felt like I had to like confess it to my mom.

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And I think that's actually a thing. I don't know what it's called. But I know there's other kids that go through that.

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stage or maybe it's a stage or maybe it's a condition. I don't know. But anyway, and then

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now as an adult, it's more just like it's really hard for me to stop thinking like down a negative

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path. Something negative comes into my mind. I'm just like thinking about it the whole time. And

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so it's more like negative thoughts or I'll catch myself like right in the middle of like

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imagining a really traumatic event happening and like down to every last detail. And then all of

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a sudden I'm like, what am I doing? Like, where am I? And so, yeah. And I've been learning a lot

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about brain rewiring and I'm realizing it's encouraging because I'm like, you know what?

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No, like I can change these pathways or whatever. But yeah, it's difficult. I feel like I'm wired

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very negatively naturally. And Arnold is wired very positively, which is great. I'm really glad.

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But yeah. So, I don't know. There's just a lot of stuff jumbled up everywhere is what it is.

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Yeah. Well, just for starters, I mean, I know that

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there is such a thing as like the fact that we can wire our brains in a particular way because

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we're in so much of a habit of doing something, but it can develop as a coping mechanism.

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So, in other words, it's just like, so I was shocked one time and you may have heard me say

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this before, but I asked a really close family member one time why they worried all the time.

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And this lady was much older. She was, I don't know, at least in her seventies when I asked her

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this question. So, in other words, she lived her whole life and a very long life, longer than me,

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all like that. And I asked her, so why do you worry so much? I mean, it was like,

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it was her, it was her hobby. It was what she, it was her job. It was her work. That's what she did

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is she's worried. And if she didn't have something to worry about, she didn't feel right. So, she'd

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find something. And so, she'd watch programs that talked about the state of politics or the state

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of the church and everything's going to hell in a handbasket. And if she couldn't worry about any

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of her family members' health, she would hear about family members or friends or neighbors

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and would worry about their health. It was just whatever. And I'm just going, I do not understand

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this. And that just gives you one example of how this person would think negatively, because it

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wasn't just in worry. It was in, well, I mean, it was worry, but it wasn't just in like health

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things. It was just in general, there was a tendency to always go to someplace negative,

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to always make a negative remark or comment, meaning like she was thinking about it when

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someone said something. So, that was her, her contribution to conversation. And so,

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anyway, so I asked them, why, why do you worry so much? It sounds exhausting and it sounds just

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self-damaging. Why do you do that? I mean, why would you want to? And they said, well, my mom,

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so again, this lady is 70-something years old. She said, my mom once told me that if I worried,

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it wouldn't happen. That if you worry about things, they won't happen. So, my point is

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that thinking negatively, so that just gives an idea about the fact that thinking negatively

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can be a coping mechanism for the fact that we're always, we're, we don't feel safe and we're

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always trying to protect ourselves against the thing that can happen. So, it's almost like we're

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always trying to be vigilant. It's a, it's a, what they call hyper-vigilance. You're always on.

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And so, if there's nothing wrong right now that you're having to, and I'm not saying you, I'm

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talking about people, to focus on, well, then they will create something. And so, these terrible

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possible traumatic events can start playing out as a story in their head or they can start thinking

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about, okay, well, if there's not something that I'm worried about or not something that I'm

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working on or trying to fix with me, my husband, my children, my environment, my job, my whatever,

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there's something I'm missing. Because it's this perspective that there's so much bad in the world

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that that's what you have to focus on, that we're here on earth trying to clean up.

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And so, if you're not cleaning something up, you're not fixing something, then you, your life

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is about to get worse because the only way your life can get better is by you battling something

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all the time. And so, if you're not battling, then it means that you are subconsciously being taken

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over by the devil, by something, or you could be blindsided.

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You're making yourself weak because you're not prepared.

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So as a coping mechanism, we, or we have, people have a tendency to go, people

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who have a tendency to be negative, have a tendency to go to that place because

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they don't expect that life is going to get better, like deep down psychologically.

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They do, but not truly, they think life is going to get worse or that there's

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always something bad that's about to happen or going to happen and because

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they're suffering this world and I want to be the most prepared that I can

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in order to avoid the most pain.

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But what they, but what ends up happening is for one thing, the things that we

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worry about or that we think of as negative or whatever, and that most of

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it ends up not happening anyway, but we do tend to increase the amount of

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negative that does happen in our life.

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And the amount of negative that we do feel, because not only does it get

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attracted to us because we're focused on it, even if we don't want it, that's

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what we're focused on and whatever we focus on, we feed, not whatever we want.

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Whatever we focus on is what we feed and what ends up happening more in our lives.

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And it also, part of that is because that's how, that's the perspective that

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we have on the situation is that it's bad.

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So it doesn't always mean that what's happening is bad or a situation

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someone in is bad.

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It's that, that's their perspective of it.

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While somebody else with a more positive perspective could see the situation

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very differently and they're in the exact same situation.

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So anyway, and that's another reason why more negative can happen in negative

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person's life is partly because of their perspective.

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So they take on the meaning that, Hey, this is bad.

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And therefore they, the trauma of it ends up happening to them because that's the

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belief they had about what happened is it was negative.

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And so they internalize it as a trauma or as something bad.

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While somebody else who can go through the same situation, since they didn't

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see it that way, they weren't traumatically affected.

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You know, they weren't affected as a, it wasn't, it didn't affect them as a

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trauma or something they need to heal from or whatever.

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So anyway, that's just a very big, broad overview of like multiple

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things that came to mind.

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So, but I just wanted to, as weird as it sounds, I just wanted to encourage

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you that it's a coping mechanism.

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So it's not like something's wrong with you or whatever it that you didn't

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feel safe.

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And so this is what you, you did for yourself.

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You to develop this habit and this tendency because you were trying to

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create a safe environment.

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You're always trying to be prepared.

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You were trying to do good.

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You're always trying to do the good thing.

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And you thought that that if you're like me, which most people in the

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rest intense bar, that's why they're attracted to it because that's the

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message that I, in the perspective that I teach from.

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So it ends up attracting the people who have the same experience that I

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did.

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In other words, internalized events in the same beliefs that I did, that

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I'm bad, I'm wrong while I'm always trying to be better.

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I'm trying to be good.

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I'm trying so very hard to be good, but internally I must be very evil

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and I have to overcome myself or whatever.

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And you pointed it out really well in the and the reunion where you also

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mentioned that the Holy that you were always trying to stay one step ahead

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of the Holy Spirit.

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I was like, that is a great way to phrase that be and I've tried to

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explain that to myself and other people before and then you just said it

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says the thing way.

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I'm like Batman right there and and I did the same thing with my parents

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because of course your parents are your authority.

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And so they just create that this first because you can see them as

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opposed to the Holy Spirit.

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They're that like your first experience with I don't know with with

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authority and like how authority or and you know people over you will

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interact with you and what they will cause to happen.

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They will cause rewards or punishments based off of what you do or don't

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do and then we project that onto the Lord.

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But anyway, so I did that same thing for my parents.

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I was always trying to stay a step ahead of what they thought was right

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and wrong now.

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Just interestingly, my parents are very normal.

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Just like everybody else.

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It wasn't their instructions to me and their laws and their standards

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were not just right and wrong.

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Some of it was just not just their opinion, but their personality.

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Like if they didn't if they got embarrassed easily by talking or like

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talking too much, then they would tell us to not talk too much with other

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people.

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So if you talk and by talking too much, I don't mean like too much.

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I mean like

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talking more than they would, then you were wrong.

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You weren't different, you were wrong.

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So anyway, my point is that that,

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the problem with that is, and this is my point with that,

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it can create this environment with a child

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where they never know what's right and wrong.

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It leaves them completely dependent on their authority,

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their parents, to tell them at any given moment

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what's right and wrong.

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They can't predict it because it's subjective.

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It's subjective sometimes to how the parent feels

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in the moment, how secure they feel in themselves

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in the moment, how secure they feel in the environment

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that they're in and how people are thinking about them,

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and that'll affect how they parent their child,

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you know, in front of someone else.

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Everything's subjective.

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It's not just the straight right and wrong standards

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of God and of the Bible.

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So point is, there is no security.

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You can't figure it out for yourself.

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And so always trying to stay ahead

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of what you think is the Holy Spirit,

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because the only way at that time when you're young,

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unless you have encounters with the Lord,

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is usually just what your parents tell you

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about what the Holy Spirit wants from you.

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And you're always trying to stay ahead of Him.

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So therefore, how you feel in your own conscience,

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which is being influenced by your parents,

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and then you're always trying to stay ahead of,

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step ahead of your parents.

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And it's a moving target.

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So you feel like it is, I don't ever use this phrase,

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but it is the first phrase that popped into my head.

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So excuse me for saying it, but it's like it,

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because it's the most perfect way

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that I could think of to describe it.

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It's a crapshoot.

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I've never said that in my life, so you're welcome.

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I just like, it's like, there's no winning.

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It's like, I'm just trying and I just got a shot.

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I mean, it's 50-50.

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I could win, I could lose.

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And in the middle of it,

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you're just trying so very hard to do, to just,

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I don't know, to please someone,

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to do the right thing, to,

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there's another phrase that I was gonna use,

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but anyway, that left my mind,

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but you're just trying so hard

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that you end up self-sabotaging.

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You end up stifling yourself.

210
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You end up restraining yourself.

211
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So you end up losing in this battle that,

212
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and you're, because you're sacrificing yourself

213
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for something, for a reward or avoidance of a consequence

214
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that may or may not happen.

215
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It's not even like you are,

216
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you're sacrificing yourself

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for a guaranteed reward of your parent's pleasure.

218
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It is not guaranteed.

219
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You don't know what's gonna happen.

220
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You don't know if they're gonna be happy with you today

221
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or happy with what you did or happy,

222
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or if your conscience is gonna be okay with it,

223
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or if what you try to explain to a friend,

224
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if they took it the way that you wanted them to or not,

225
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it feels like this,

226
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you're sacrificing yourself all of the time

227
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and hurting yourself and self-sabotaging yourself

228
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for something that sometimes happens and sometimes doesn't.

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But even if it does happen, you've lost

230
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because you self-sabotaged yourself

231
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in order to get that reward of them being okay with you

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or them being whatever, whatever.

233
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So anyway, I just kind of wanted to paint a picture

234
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of what's possible just to see if it resonates with you

235
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because everyone has a different experience,

236
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but just to see what resonates with you for yourself

237
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so that you can start like doing some discovery,

238
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internal discovery when I'm talking

239
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about what experiences you may or may not have had

240
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and how you can see, oh, that's where I'm getting this.

241
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And it's because I didn't feel safe

242
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and it didn't feel like there was any security

243
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or any guarantee of safety.

244
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And so therefore it just sets you in nothing

245
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but a hypervigilant mode of wishful thinking

246
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that I hope it works this time.

247
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And then you live your whole life like that.

248
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But the whole time you're self-sabotaging,

249
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whether you get the right thing or you,

250
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meaning like the right, the reward happens

251
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or the consequence happens,

252
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you've gone through so much turmoil

253
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and so much distrust of yourself.

254
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That's what I'm talking about.

255
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That's the self-sabotaging.

256
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So you always lose no matter how old you get

257
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and no matter what your life is looking like

258
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is we can live in this perpetual state of self-sabotage

259
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without getting anything, without getting enough reward

260
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for the sacrifice that we're making for it.

261
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So, like I said, then what ends up happening

262
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is hypervigilance mode.

263
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How can I work harder?

264
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How can I, whatever?

265
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So, you know, sometimes it's.

266
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it's making up or expecting negative.

267
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Always being afraid of the negative

268
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because you always feel like you don't have

269
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the power in the room.

270
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Arnold's more powerful than you are.

271
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The kids are more powerful than you are.

272
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Your parents are more powerful.

273
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Your pastor, your friend, that your voice,

274
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your, what you think you and your relationship

275
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with the Lord, what he thinks of you in that moment

276
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is not the most powerful thing in the room.

277
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I mean, the most powerful thing to you.

278
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You're always have the least power

279
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and you're just trying to survive.

280
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Is any of this resonating at all?

281
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Is any of this making sense?

282
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Or it may not, that's perfectly fine.

283
00:20:42.140 --> 00:20:45.160
Yeah, no, I feel like what you said about,

284
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no, now it's not gonna come out.

285
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But the whole thing of, yeah,

286
00:21:00.840 --> 00:21:03.960
trying to make sure that I am always the,

287
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yeah, worrying so that the bad things don't happen.

288
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I feel like it's something that I definitely did

289
00:21:12.720 --> 00:21:14.960
and or do, and I'm not sure.

290
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I don't know where that, sorry,

291
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now I'm hearing my kids.

292
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It's fine.

293
00:21:24.820 --> 00:21:25.660
I'll be right back.

294
00:21:25.660 --> 00:21:26.500
Hang on a second.

295
00:22:51.400 --> 00:22:52.740
Okay, I'm back.

296
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Definitely not sleeping.

297
00:23:09.500 --> 00:23:13.020
Yeah, no, I know for as long as I can remember,

298
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I've always had the mentality that if I'm not like worried,

299
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worrying about something or like thinking about something

300
00:23:22.940 --> 00:23:25.340
or like holding it, always holding it,

301
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you know what I mean?

302
00:23:26.660 --> 00:23:28.660
Then I'm gonna go backwards

303
00:23:28.660 --> 00:23:30.780
and like I have to be extremely vigilant

304
00:23:30.780 --> 00:23:32.340
to not be deceived.

305
00:23:32.340 --> 00:23:35.620
And I feel like that part is getting better slowly.

306
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Oh, that's good.

307
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That's cute.

308
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But it's hard for me because it feels like I am,

309
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it feels like I'm lukewarm.

310
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And I don't know, have I just always associated worry

311
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with being like passionate or I don't know,

312
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with it's spiritual.

313
00:23:55.120 --> 00:23:57.600
It's a good way to put it.

314
00:23:57.600 --> 00:23:59.720
Well, it's also different.

315
00:23:59.720 --> 00:24:02.960
There's a difference between having feelings.

316
00:24:02.960 --> 00:24:05.440
I read this, I read this quote recently

317
00:24:05.440 --> 00:24:07.840
and I was like, oh my word, that's it.

318
00:24:07.840 --> 00:24:09.120
That is how to describe it.

319
00:24:09.120 --> 00:24:10.600
Cause I've always thought this and I was like,

320
00:24:10.600 --> 00:24:12.560
but how do you, I couldn't grab how to articulate it.

321
00:24:12.580 --> 00:24:15.180
And it's like, there's a difference they said

322
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between feelings of and about God

323
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versus connecting with God himself.

324
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And we can confuse our feelings of or about God

325
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or in your case, you know,

326
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oh, I desire to do the right thing for God.

327
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You know, I'm always trying to make sure

328
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that I'm protected for God from the devil,

329
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you know, and whatever.

330
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And we can confuse those feelings

331
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as actually feelings of love or actual zealousness

332
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in following God, two totally separate things.

333
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So when those other things go away, you know,

334
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when those other things are attacked,

335
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when like for instance, when there's no more worry,

336
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now it just simply,

337
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:10.320
reveals the lack of foundation that and like attention that hasn't been paid to really

338
00:25:10.320 --> 00:25:18.800
connecting with God because he's good as opposed to always trying to thinking that the way

339
00:25:18.800 --> 00:25:24.680
that you're protected, the way that you connect with God is simply to avoid the devil or to

340
00:25:24.680 --> 00:25:31.220
make sure to not do the bad thing. Because God is if God always focuses on, well, just

341
00:25:31.220 --> 00:25:39.300
a walk with me is not doing the bad thing. This is not true. You know, so yeah, it can

342
00:25:39.300 --> 00:25:45.840
just reveal the fact that we don't that we've just built a connection with God based off

343
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of like they worry or whatever worry, you know, trying to defend herself against Satan

344
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or whatever. And there's no connection with God because he's good or because there's there's

345
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positivity to be gotten between us and our relationship. And that's what that's what

346
00:26:01.680 --> 00:26:10.300
happened to me, too. I had focused so much on on Satan and on being hyper vigilant against

347
00:26:10.300 --> 00:26:15.940
Satan because I thought if I wasn't hyper vigilant in my thought life, in my, you know,

348
00:26:15.940 --> 00:26:20.320
my actions, particularly, though, in my thought life, I would think about all the time I was

349
00:26:20.320 --> 00:26:23.960
always trying to, like, push him away. And I was thinking it was always trying to get

350
00:26:23.960 --> 00:26:27.160
at me. That's what we're taught in church, that he's always trying to get at you. Like,

351
00:26:27.160 --> 00:26:33.400
oh, my word. Sorry. And now we're talking about that. Not that long ago. It's just like

352
00:26:33.400 --> 00:26:37.680
it just drives us crazy to always hear people talk about, oh, my word, Satan's trying to

353
00:26:37.680 --> 00:26:41.960
get in the way and Satan's been trying to keep me from getting this done. And we're

354
00:26:41.960 --> 00:26:49.020
like, I really don't think that much. You know, and even if he is. We don't have to

355
00:26:49.020 --> 00:26:55.020
turn and fight him. We just like, OK, whatever. And if we just focus on the Lord. So it was

356
00:26:55.020 --> 00:27:04.620
a big adjustment for me to huge adjustment, because when I no longer thought about Satan.

357
00:27:04.620 --> 00:27:11.120
And my relationship with God was no longer about. Staying away from Satan and now my

358
00:27:11.180 --> 00:27:17.580
relationship needed to be built on just looking at God. That was hard because that requires

359
00:27:17.580 --> 00:27:22.380
vulnerability. And I didn't have that. I didn't have the vulnerability. I didn't have a connection

360
00:27:22.380 --> 00:27:29.140
with him. I didn't have the history with him and just him. I had the history of how to

361
00:27:29.140 --> 00:27:35.540
how to stay away from Satan because God told me to. And I call that my choice of God. Well,

362
00:27:35.540 --> 00:27:40.020
God, God's my choice. And I'm proving that by staying away and by whatever. And that's

363
00:27:40.020 --> 00:27:43.960
not that that's not the same thing. So it was a big adjustment. So anyway, that's all

364
00:27:43.960 --> 00:27:49.560
that it is. It's just revealing the fact that that's what it was built on. And God wants

365
00:27:49.560 --> 00:27:53.720
it. That's not freedom. And God wants us to be free. It's like, oh, my word, you don't

366
00:27:53.720 --> 00:27:58.960
even have to pay attention, so to speak. I'm talking very simplistic ways to pay attention.

367
00:27:58.960 --> 00:28:02.960
That's what I had to tell myself because I couldn't understand how to be how to fight

368
00:28:02.960 --> 00:28:10.000
against the devil or the enemy. And not do it vigilantly. And so it was like, OK, I think

369
00:28:10.020 --> 00:28:14.100
that God's going to protect me. The only way that I can let go of that belief is if I let

370
00:28:14.100 --> 00:28:20.420
go completely of paying attention at all and just focus on the Lord. And then I'll shoot

371
00:28:20.420 --> 00:28:26.740
and I'll trust that he'll just protect me. And that's how I had to learn. So anyway,

372
00:28:26.740 --> 00:28:36.780
does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah, I think one. One thing that I've had to like battle

373
00:28:36.780 --> 00:28:43.040
through is like I feel like I have had times with the Lord where it like builds that relationship.

374
00:28:43.040 --> 00:28:49.280
But then I feel like the next time I have this, I don't know, I always go back to like

375
00:28:49.280 --> 00:28:54.940
if something bad happens or if I feel unworthy or I feel like my relationship with the Lord

376
00:28:54.940 --> 00:28:58.000
is not where it should be. I feel like it just like erases all that stuff. It's just

377
00:28:58.000 --> 00:29:04.360
like gone. We have to start from scratch again. That's what I thought. Yeah. And if someone

378
00:29:04.360 --> 00:29:09.060
explained it like a rubber band that you get that it's like, OK, every every good

379
00:29:09.060 --> 00:29:13.260
thing that you do stretches it further and further in your you think you have to keep

380
00:29:13.260 --> 00:29:20.500
doing it just to hold it, because if you lose it once, if you don't do the next right thing,

381
00:29:20.500 --> 00:29:24.500
all of this stuff, let's go and then it's gone. And I got to start all over. I don't

382
00:29:24.500 --> 00:29:31.300
know where we get that from, but we all think that. So I understand. I do. Yeah. I just

383
00:29:31.300 --> 00:29:38.480
feel like in the last. I don't know, I'd say probably in the last year or half a year,

384
00:29:38.480 --> 00:29:46.160
I feel like. Those I mean, I don't remember the last time I had like a well, I shouldn't

385
00:29:46.160 --> 00:29:52.200
say that, I feel like probably about. A month ago is probably the last time that I that

386
00:29:52.200 --> 00:29:57.080
I feel like I really had an intimate encounter with the Lord. And so, I mean, obviously that's

387
00:29:57.080 --> 00:30:00.060
I mean, I'm glad for that, but I'm just like, why does it feel?

388
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:05.920
So I don't know, like, I feel like I've struggled more with doubt in the last two or three months

389
00:30:05.920 --> 00:30:11.600
than I have in years. Just like, well, what if this whole Christianity thing is just a big

390
00:30:11.600 --> 00:30:16.000
scheme that somebody dreamed up, you know, a thousand years ago was like, here, we're just

391
00:30:16.000 --> 00:30:19.200
all going to pretend for a thousand years till everybody believes in it, you know?

392
00:30:19.840 --> 00:30:20.960
Yeah, correct.

393
00:30:20.960 --> 00:30:25.360
I know that I'm not as, I'm not as scared of those thoughts anymore as I used to be. I'm just like,

394
00:30:25.360 --> 00:30:31.840
okay, whatever. It's all a part of moving through life. But at the same time, I feel like

395
00:30:32.800 --> 00:30:38.400
I want, I want it to be real to me. I don't want to just be like, oh yeah, I believe in it

396
00:30:38.400 --> 00:30:43.120
because I just have put my big girl panties on and I refuse to, you know, see anything else.

397
00:30:43.120 --> 00:30:47.680
I'm just not, I'm just not going to give ear, you know, to these doubtful thoughts. I want to

398
00:30:47.680 --> 00:30:52.480
actually believe it, like, because it's true and because I've experienced it.

399
00:30:53.680 --> 00:30:54.180
Yeah.

400
00:30:55.040 --> 00:30:56.480
And I hear my kid again.

401
00:31:00.480 --> 00:31:15.520
Who should very well much be sleeping. Hang on. I'll be right back.

402
00:31:17.680 --> 00:31:29.520
Okay.

403
00:31:29.520 --> 00:31:43.520
Okay.

404
00:31:47.680 --> 00:31:57.520
Okay.

405
00:32:17.680 --> 00:32:37.680
All right, I'm back.

406
00:32:38.800 --> 00:32:45.200
Well, I took advantage of it and went to the break and saw that my dill plant is,

407
00:32:45.200 --> 00:32:50.560
my little dill or herb was like, very sadly, like limp. And so I was like,

408
00:32:50.560 --> 00:33:00.160
if you use the drink, poor little thing. It wasn't like that this morning. So anyway, go ahead.

409
00:33:00.160 --> 00:33:05.120
Yes. What was I even talking about?

410
00:33:06.080 --> 00:33:12.000
Oh yeah. Like the doubt.

411
00:33:13.120 --> 00:33:15.440
Oh yeah. But it doesn't bother you as much.

412
00:33:15.440 --> 00:33:19.600
Yeah. So yeah. But anyway, yeah.

413
00:33:19.600 --> 00:33:21.440
Yeah. As it means you're more secure and.

414
00:33:22.080 --> 00:33:29.040
Yeah. But yeah, it does. It does very much feel like, I don't know if it makes sense or not,

415
00:33:29.040 --> 00:33:34.000
but I feel like I can't see the face of God right now. Does that make sense?

416
00:33:34.000 --> 00:33:34.480
It does.

417
00:33:35.680 --> 00:33:42.320
And I just, it just feels like a very, like a, like a side view, if anything, if not a back view.

418
00:33:43.840 --> 00:33:49.600
Yeah. Now interesting distinction that I just want to make. Does it feel like you can't see

419
00:33:49.600 --> 00:33:56.000
his face or does it feel like he's facing you in whether or not you can actually see his face?

420
00:33:56.000 --> 00:34:04.640
It feels like you, and this is such a very unflattering angle. It's that you, you don't

421
00:34:04.640 --> 00:34:13.120
see his face or that he he's, he's facing you, but he's not reacting to you. It's like he's,

422
00:34:13.120 --> 00:34:18.719
you feel, you feel as he's paying attention to you, but you can't get a reaction. You can't get

423
00:34:18.719 --> 00:34:25.360
a negative reaction. Can't get a positive reaction. It's just like dead pan. Which one is it?

424
00:34:25.360 --> 00:34:26.960
Yeah, I would say the second one. Yeah.

425
00:34:27.520 --> 00:34:32.960
Yeah. So there, I don't know if you remember, I think I talked about this in the, well, I did,

426
00:34:32.960 --> 00:34:36.480
I talked about this in the rest intensive, you know, what, three years ago where there was this

427
00:34:36.480 --> 00:34:42.480
study that they did about like the, the still, the still faced experiment, you know, where a mom

428
00:34:42.480 --> 00:34:46.080
will be still faced in front of her child and then see that the child can't handle it.

429
00:34:46.639 --> 00:34:50.480
Well, I obviously didn't know about that experiment until like,

430
00:34:51.120 --> 00:34:57.440
you know, years after I had that experience with the Lord, where I told the Lord, I said, Lord,

431
00:34:58.400 --> 00:34:59.840
I mean, I was so upset.

432
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:08.280
I said, Lord, I know that you're there, but I can feel your presence.

433
00:35:08.280 --> 00:35:13.520
It's like you're paying attention to me, I have your attention, but I cannot get you

434
00:35:13.520 --> 00:35:14.520
to respond.

435
00:35:14.520 --> 00:35:17.120
I said, it's like talking to a brick wall.

436
00:35:17.120 --> 00:35:24.240
You aren't mad at me, you're not, I mean, so to speak, there's not anger, but there's

437
00:35:24.240 --> 00:35:25.240
not pleasure.

438
00:35:25.240 --> 00:35:30.720
And so therefore, what I go to in my mind is if there's not pleasure, you're mad.

439
00:35:30.720 --> 00:35:32.800
So I'm like, God, I can't handle it.

440
00:35:32.800 --> 00:35:33.800
I just can't handle it.

441
00:35:33.800 --> 00:35:35.320
But you're not telling me you're mad.

442
00:35:35.320 --> 00:35:37.500
You're not telling me what I can fix.

443
00:35:37.500 --> 00:35:43.480
And so it's in any way, the point is, that is where you are, is what we absolutely cannot

444
00:35:43.480 --> 00:35:44.480
stand.

445
00:35:44.480 --> 00:35:49.720
We can handle a positive reaction, we can handle a negative reaction, we can't handle

446
00:35:49.720 --> 00:35:50.720
no reaction.

447
00:35:50.720 --> 00:35:54.280
So yeah, I definitely understand what you're talking about.

448
00:35:54.320 --> 00:35:57.200
And yeah, so anyway, go ahead.

449
00:35:57.200 --> 00:36:05.400
Well, and I feel like the last time, it was interesting because the last time that I really

450
00:36:05.400 --> 00:36:10.520
felt like an intimacy with the Lord was when I was, I don't remember, I think I had a sitter

451
00:36:10.520 --> 00:36:12.280
here.

452
00:36:12.280 --> 00:36:19.880
And I was praying, and I forget what I was praying about specifically, but I was remembering

453
00:36:19.880 --> 00:36:25.800
like back when we lived in Montana, before I was married, we lived in a beautiful place.

454
00:36:25.800 --> 00:36:29.000
And like, it was just gorgeous.

455
00:36:29.000 --> 00:36:33.600
And I would sit outside, like often, like by myself, and I just felt like that was the

456
00:36:33.600 --> 00:36:37.520
time when like my roots with the Lord just went really deep.

457
00:36:37.520 --> 00:36:44.140
And I felt, I feel like at that time, I did feel loved by God, like I felt safe.

458
00:36:44.140 --> 00:36:50.100
And I felt like I was, well, I felt like anything was possible, you know?

459
00:36:50.100 --> 00:36:56.020
And like, everything was, and I mean, I'm sure some of that has to do with just, you

460
00:36:56.020 --> 00:36:57.900
know, the time of life I was in.

461
00:36:57.900 --> 00:37:08.060
But I remember just during prayer a month ago, or whatever it was, as I was remembering

462
00:37:08.060 --> 00:37:12.100
this and just like talking to the Lord about it, I was like, you know, I feel like this

463
00:37:12.100 --> 00:37:17.780
is for the first time in a long time, like a glimpse of what I used to feel back then.

464
00:37:17.780 --> 00:37:25.660
And then in that, I don't know, during that same time with the Lord, I realized that we

465
00:37:25.660 --> 00:37:32.020
had scheduled a trip to Montana in October.

466
00:37:32.020 --> 00:37:36.180
And I mean, it just came to me while I was talking to the Lord about all this stuff,

467
00:37:36.180 --> 00:37:41.460
that I scheduled it for exactly seven years, like to the day that we moved here to Pennsylvania.

468
00:37:41.860 --> 00:37:46.740
Yeah, and I just really felt, yeah, and I felt like it was really significant.

469
00:37:46.740 --> 00:37:51.300
And I mean, I'm not sure why, and I actually texted Arnold right away, because it was just

470
00:37:51.300 --> 00:37:56.100
like, it felt like, you know how in a movie, when all of a sudden somebody like has a thought

471
00:37:56.100 --> 00:38:00.260
or something, and everything just like spins past them and fast forward?

472
00:38:00.260 --> 00:38:01.060
That's how it felt.

473
00:38:01.060 --> 00:38:05.620
And he right away was like, wow, like, I don't know, we were both just kind of wondering

474
00:38:05.620 --> 00:38:07.700
what the Lord has for us.

475
00:38:08.660 --> 00:38:12.340
Oh, nap time is exhausting.

476
00:38:12.340 --> 00:38:16.580
I hear the door creaking again.

477
00:38:20.180 --> 00:38:20.900
Is it Lori?

478
00:38:22.340 --> 00:38:23.140
Oh, that's cute.

479
00:38:25.060 --> 00:38:28.020
I have a feeling he's going to try to sneak over to Monty again.

480
00:38:30.660 --> 00:38:31.160
And play?

481
00:38:31.860 --> 00:38:36.660
Well, Monty's playing on his little, he has a little watch that has games on it that Eric

482
00:38:36.660 --> 00:38:37.160
gave him.

483
00:38:37.780 --> 00:38:41.300
And Lori wants to go over and watch him play with it, I think.

484
00:38:42.660 --> 00:38:44.340
Maybe he'll fall asleep while he does that.

485
00:38:50.100 --> 00:38:50.740
So anyway.

486
00:38:51.540 --> 00:38:57.220
So y'all were wondering about what, if God meant something by the seven years to the

487
00:38:57.220 --> 00:38:57.460
day?

488
00:38:57.460 --> 00:38:59.540
Yeah, I always pay attention to stuff like that.

489
00:38:59.540 --> 00:39:01.780
I mean, because he's done stuff like that to me before.

490
00:39:01.780 --> 00:39:04.740
And I always saw, in fact, he's done it a gajillion times.

491
00:39:05.540 --> 00:39:11.140
And I stop and I, for one thing, I treasure it between me and the Lord.

492
00:39:11.140 --> 00:39:12.980
Oh, God, you gave me this gift.

493
00:39:12.980 --> 00:39:18.340
I acknowledge that it's him talking to me.

494
00:39:18.340 --> 00:39:19.860
And I'm so appreciative.

495
00:39:19.860 --> 00:39:20.980
I'm so thankful.

496
00:39:20.980 --> 00:39:27.700
I use it as a way to connect with him, not the gift itself, but to just, okay.

497
00:39:27.700 --> 00:39:30.340
And basically acknowledge, okay, you're talking to me.

498
00:39:30.340 --> 00:39:33.620
You know me, you remember me, you have good things for me.

499
00:39:33.620 --> 00:39:34.980
I don't know what's going to come of this.

500
00:39:34.980 --> 00:39:37.460
I don't know what it means, but I'm going to take it.

501
00:39:37.460 --> 00:39:41.380
And I'm going to fully, it's like, I fully, I acknowledge that I acknowledge it in such

502
00:39:41.380 --> 00:39:45.620
a way that I fully receive it as hope.

503
00:39:45.620 --> 00:39:50.980
And like, it's this package of something that God is going to be opening over time.

504
00:39:50.980 --> 00:39:55.060
So in other words, I'm going to see more of him talking to me.

505
00:39:55.060 --> 00:39:56.420
I'm going to see more of these things.

506
00:39:56.420 --> 00:39:59.940
I'm going to be expectant that there's abundance.

507
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:06.480
that's going to unfold in my life, in what way, and in what area, and at what time, I don't know.

508
00:40:06.480 --> 00:40:13.200
But I always take it like that. And God loves that. God loves when we fully acknowledge and

509
00:40:13.200 --> 00:40:17.840
take something as Him being good, or as Him providing, or as Him being one of the things

510
00:40:17.840 --> 00:40:23.600
that He says that He is. And then when we do that, He'll increase it. He'll do more of it.

511
00:40:24.480 --> 00:40:31.600
So yeah, that's wonderful. Those things aren't weird. They're not superstitious. It's not being

512
00:40:31.600 --> 00:40:39.120
too detailed. Those are ways that God talks to us. There's more detail in the way that God

513
00:40:39.120 --> 00:40:44.880
interacts and arranges things than we realize and give Him credit for. And so I think that's

514
00:40:44.880 --> 00:40:51.440
great. It's very exciting. You know, you feel seen. Yeah, yeah, I know. And I feel like that

515
00:40:51.440 --> 00:40:56.960
was the first time in a long time that I've been like, oh, maybe God is still interested in my

516
00:40:56.960 --> 00:41:06.480
life. And I know He is. I feel like there's just been a lot of weird things that I can't put my

517
00:41:06.480 --> 00:41:12.720
finger on where they're coming from. Like I told Arnold, I feel like I can usually know where I

518
00:41:12.720 --> 00:41:19.200
can say, oh yeah, I feel this way because. And now I'm just like, I just feel like there's an

519
00:41:19.200 --> 00:41:26.000
Eiffel Tower of becauses that I can't like take apart anymore. And my life has been free of

520
00:41:26.000 --> 00:41:34.560
significant trauma for a very long time. And I feel like I should be, I don't know, I feel like

521
00:41:34.560 --> 00:41:42.160
I should be stable or something by now instead of just feeling like I, I don't know, just go back

522
00:41:42.160 --> 00:41:48.560
and forth. And I feel like so easily offended by literally anything, like anything. And

523
00:41:50.400 --> 00:41:58.000
I am sensitive about everything everyone says. And I'm just like, what is my problem? Like I told

524
00:41:58.000 --> 00:42:03.840
Arnold, I just feel like I want to go into this shell. I don't want to pursue friendships. I just,

525
00:42:03.840 --> 00:42:08.000
I just want to like not do anything. And I don't want anyone to see me.

526
00:42:08.320 --> 00:42:13.040
And I hate it. And the other thing too, is I feel extremely sensitive. Well, actually one thing that

527
00:42:13.040 --> 00:42:21.760
really blew up in my face was, or blew up just as a conversation was, I don't know if you know who

528
00:42:21.760 --> 00:42:23.760
Dale Partridge is or not. Do you know who that is?

529
00:42:26.000 --> 00:42:30.720
No, but I think that when I've been with all of y'all, y'all mentioned his name here and there.

530
00:42:30.720 --> 00:42:35.200
Yeah. He's like old, old, like, I mean, not old, old, but he's like, well, he's like,

531
00:42:35.200 --> 00:42:39.840
old, old, like, I mean, not old, old, but he's like one of y'all's like path, like fathers of

532
00:42:39.840 --> 00:42:45.680
the faith kind of thing. Right. Not that old, but like more recent. Like he's one of those people,

533
00:42:45.680 --> 00:42:48.240
they all quote a lot, or he was an old pastor or something.

534
00:42:51.360 --> 00:42:57.920
Dale Partridge is like a, he's like in his forties, I think. And he's a Calvinist. Anyway,

535
00:42:57.920 --> 00:43:02.480
and he's very outspoken about like really controversial subjects. And there's like,

536
00:43:03.200 --> 00:43:07.440
okay. I don't know. It's like, I think, I think Josh has mentioned him before

537
00:43:07.440 --> 00:43:12.160
and maybe his dad likes him or something. I don't remember. I'm not sure. Are you thinking of,

538
00:43:14.480 --> 00:43:22.880
I think you're thinking of somebody else. It's not Churchill. It's David Ravenhill.

539
00:43:23.600 --> 00:43:29.600
Oh, okay. All right. That's a different guy. Anyway. So this Dale Partridge guy, like I said,

540
00:43:29.600 --> 00:43:34.240
he likes to speak out on controversial topics and he likes to talk about biblical patriarchy,

541
00:43:34.240 --> 00:43:41.600
which is very triggering. And anyway, so he had this whole podcast about why women should not

542
00:43:42.160 --> 00:43:48.800
teach theology. And he literally went as far to say as that it's better that women,

543
00:43:48.800 --> 00:43:53.120
that there be no women's Bible studies and that there's a Bible study that's led by women.

544
00:43:53.600 --> 00:43:57.440
And I know, I know that I should know not to be affected by stuff like this,

545
00:43:58.000 --> 00:44:04.240
but my poor unsuspecting husband, well, it was funny because Loretta, she, I think she called me

546
00:44:04.240 --> 00:44:07.440
or something. We got started talking about it. She's like, did you see that podcast from Dale

547
00:44:07.440 --> 00:44:10.880
Partridge or whatever? And I was like, yeah, well, like, you know, I can't actually talk

548
00:44:10.880 --> 00:44:20.240
about it because I'm too mad anyway. And, but anyway, what happened was I forget how Arnold

549
00:44:20.480 --> 00:44:26.800
and I got started talking about this. It's partly because our neighbor is a Calvinist and he's very,

550
00:44:27.440 --> 00:44:31.200
like he's told me, you know, that the reason that women can't preach is because they're

551
00:44:31.200 --> 00:44:39.760
more easily deceived than men. And I, I know that I shouldn't, even if people think that,

552
00:44:39.760 --> 00:44:43.840
or even if it's true, like it shouldn't even bother me, you know, I should just be so happy

553
00:44:44.160 --> 00:44:50.960
to be like a stupid woman. Yeah. Anyway. And, but Arnold and I started talking about this and I

554
00:44:50.960 --> 00:44:56.480
just got madder and madder and madder because first of all, if Arnold knows that I refuse to

555
00:44:56.480 --> 00:45:03.360
talk about stuff like this, he's going to be mad at me. And I know that he's going to be mad at me.

556
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:03.180
thing. He's like, No, like, we're going to talk about this.

557
00:45:03.180 --> 00:45:06.460
If you're so mad that you can't even talk about this, then

558
00:45:03.360 --> 00:45:08.880
But I'm like, okay, I'm going to be mad at you. And I'm like, you know what? I'm not going to

559
00:45:06.460 --> 00:45:10.200
there's there's something wrong here. So anyway, and at the end

560
00:45:10.220 --> 00:45:14.580
of the whole conversation, I was like, I feel like at the bottom

561
00:45:14.620 --> 00:45:17.520
of all of these things, every time I hear something from you

562
00:45:17.520 --> 00:45:21.100
know, a Calvinist or somebody talking about anything to do

563
00:45:21.100 --> 00:45:24.700
with women in Christianity, you know, being somehow like we have

564
00:45:24.700 --> 00:45:28.420
to be really careful to stay in our role, you know, and all this

565
00:45:28.420 --> 00:45:32.040
stuff. I just feel like at the bottom of it all is this fear

566
00:45:32.040 --> 00:45:38.440
that like, God doesn't quite see us. Like he sees men. Or he's

567
00:45:38.440 --> 00:45:42.080
just like, well, I created men because that was like my first

568
00:45:42.080 --> 00:45:45.700
plan. And then I was just like, like, I just added the woman as

569
00:45:45.700 --> 00:45:52.100
an accessory, you know. And I was talking to my friend,

570
00:45:52.100 --> 00:45:54.640
Priscilla about this. And yeah, believe it or not, her name is

571
00:45:54.640 --> 00:45:59.140
Priscilla. And she's in her 40s. She's a good friend of mine.

572
00:45:59.140 --> 00:46:02.140
And we were just talking about different things like this. And

573
00:46:02.140 --> 00:46:05.920
she's just like, you know, she knows that there's there's

574
00:46:05.920 --> 00:46:08.820
things in the Bible that would that would make sense, you know,

575
00:46:08.820 --> 00:46:10.960
if that's the way it was, but she's just like, just what she

576
00:46:10.960 --> 00:46:14.180
knows of the Lord. She's like, she's just thinks she's just

577
00:46:14.180 --> 00:46:17.140
sure we're misinterpreting it somehow, you know, this whole

578
00:46:17.140 --> 00:46:22.780
thing of women. I don't know all of that weird stuff. Yeah, that's

579
00:46:22.780 --> 00:46:27.840
the way that I feel too. But then at the same time, I just

580
00:46:27.840 --> 00:46:30.760
don't know. And I feel like that probably has something to do

581
00:46:30.760 --> 00:46:35.600
with the blockage of why I just don't feel quite as valuable in

582
00:46:35.600 --> 00:46:39.960
God's kingdom as men. And and plus, you know, Arnold and I do

583
00:46:39.960 --> 00:46:46.080
have very different roles, if you will, than some men and

584
00:46:46.080 --> 00:46:49.480
women from our background, like, I would tend to be a little more

585
00:46:49.480 --> 00:46:54.020
like, have more of a vision and really like vision cast for the

586
00:46:54.020 --> 00:46:57.740
family. And I'm always like asking Arnold what he thinks

587
00:46:57.740 --> 00:47:02.060
about stuff, but I like I make a lot of financial decisions, or I

588
00:47:02.060 --> 00:47:08.140
mean, we usually make them together. But anyway, so we

589
00:47:08.140 --> 00:47:10.380
definitely don't fit the narrative of like this nice

590
00:47:10.380 --> 00:47:17.300
little Mennonite couple. And I think usually I think I'm okay

591
00:47:17.300 --> 00:47:21.280
with it until it goes like a long time that we see our

592
00:47:21.280 --> 00:47:24.240
counselor. And then I'm like, Well, yeah, we probably are not

593
00:47:24.240 --> 00:47:27.320
living in the right order. And I just need to erase everything

594
00:47:27.320 --> 00:47:29.600
that I thought that I've known about God. And I need to just

595
00:47:29.600 --> 00:47:34.640
start over with this like, blank slate of no, like my mission in

596
00:47:34.640 --> 00:47:44.560
life is to just I don't know, I don't actually know. So, yeah, I

597
00:47:44.560 --> 00:47:47.300
know, it's a lot. And I don't know if it all is connected or

598
00:47:47.300 --> 00:47:50.460
not. But all that to say, I feel like very sensitive whenever

599
00:47:51.660 --> 00:47:56.380
anybody says anything, as far as I don't know, I just feel on

600
00:47:56.380 --> 00:47:58.580
edge all the time. And everything that people say, it

601
00:47:58.580 --> 00:48:03.620
just affects me. And, you know, I just feel super easily

602
00:48:03.620 --> 00:48:05.420
offended. And I don't know why.

603
00:48:06.740 --> 00:48:10.700
And you've always been this way. Or you're saying that this is

604
00:48:10.700 --> 00:48:14.020
one of the issues that you feel has just gotten stronger lately

605
00:48:14.020 --> 00:48:14.640
or

606
00:48:15.560 --> 00:48:19.000
I feel like it's during vulnerable times of my life, I

607
00:48:19.000 --> 00:48:20.720
feel like this really badly.

608
00:48:21.360 --> 00:48:24.480
So it's always there, you know, just like surface.

609
00:48:24.600 --> 00:48:28.760
Yeah, like when I feel when I feel healthy, I am usually like,

610
00:48:29.000 --> 00:48:33.560
pretty level headed and confident and whatever. And just

611
00:48:33.560 --> 00:48:37.420
this week, somebody that had wanted me to do her hair and

612
00:48:37.420 --> 00:48:41.000
makeup for her wedding, called me back and she's like, she just

613
00:48:41.020 --> 00:48:44.420
wasn't happy with our trial run. And so she decided to go with

614
00:48:44.420 --> 00:48:47.820
somebody else for her hair. And but she still wants me to come

615
00:48:47.820 --> 00:48:52.660
to her makeup, you know, and I'm just like, please no or no.

616
00:48:52.700 --> 00:48:55.780
Yeah, yeah, I'm doing her makeup. But I just feel so

617
00:48:55.780 --> 00:48:58.900
humiliated beyond words like that I that I have to go and

618
00:48:58.900 --> 00:49:02.060
this other hairdresser is going to be there. And I know that it

619
00:49:02.060 --> 00:49:04.620
doesn't even have anything to do with this. Like it doesn't even

620
00:49:04.620 --> 00:49:07.940
have anything to do with my skill level it. I just I told

621
00:49:07.940 --> 00:49:12.080
Arnold like I feel like I'm always like a couple not just

622
00:49:12.080 --> 00:49:17.680
below excellent. And I just feel so stupid. Like that's just how

623
00:49:17.680 --> 00:49:21.020
I feel right now in my life. I just feel dumb around everybody.

624
00:49:21.120 --> 00:49:26.440
And I know I can't even stand myself like I just want to be

625
00:49:26.440 --> 00:49:34.040
confident. And I want to be able to like not I don't know. Yeah.

626
00:49:34.840 --> 00:49:37.640
I don't know. I feel like I'm being very confusing and

627
00:49:37.640 --> 00:49:41.540
dramatic. No, I think if you think you're dramatic, you're

628
00:49:41.540 --> 00:49:46.340
being expressive, you know, about and to our into

629
00:49:46.340 --> 00:49:49.380
articulate and reveal the feelings of what it is that

630
00:49:49.380 --> 00:49:52.620
you're really believing. If it makes you feel any better. I'm

631
00:49:52.620 --> 00:49:55.020
struggling with the same thing. I'm feeling stupid around

632
00:49:55.020 --> 00:49:59.260
everybody I'm around right now. My husband, my best friends, my

633
00:49:59.260 --> 00:50:00.060
family

634
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:06.800
That's how I feel right now. And so I know, I don't always feel that way. But when I'm vulnerable,

635
00:50:06.800 --> 00:50:12.320
that's when it's processed. And so I know that right now, God's has me, you know, like I told

636
00:50:12.320 --> 00:50:17.440
you to say, God's have me on a sabbatical right now for ministry, and then Julie, and I'm just

637
00:50:17.440 --> 00:50:24.160
focused on, on, you know, healing. And this is and so therefore, this stuff is coming up. And

638
00:50:24.160 --> 00:50:31.120
it's stuff that, you know, just have to, in the, in the issue, the ultimate issue is that

639
00:50:32.000 --> 00:50:40.000
we don't believe that we are enough as we are with God, that God is enough for us,

640
00:50:40.000 --> 00:50:44.240
that us in our relationship with him, meaning like who we are to God,

641
00:50:44.240 --> 00:50:54.320
God identifies our full value. And so that's just something that, you know, people are working on

642
00:50:54.320 --> 00:51:03.040
right now. And, and one of the, one of the things that really helped me is I, I went to the Lord,

643
00:51:03.040 --> 00:51:12.240
I closed my eyes, and I, and I just imagined, I imagined a garden. So I recommend that you know,

644
00:51:12.240 --> 00:51:16.400
you go through this exercise on your own with the Lord is you first of all, you put yourself

645
00:51:16.400 --> 00:51:22.960
in like a very safe place, meaning like, and in your imagination, like, for some people,

646
00:51:22.960 --> 00:51:29.360
it might be in the woods, or it might be on the beach. For me, my safe, peaceful place where I

647
00:51:29.360 --> 00:51:35.920
felt like perfectly secure within my own home, with no one there. So if I was in my own home,

648
00:51:35.920 --> 00:51:40.000
that was my favorite place. So I was literally I did this just the other day, maybe you

649
00:51:40.960 --> 00:51:46.720
a week and a day ago, I did this and I was in there. And I pictured myself, I closed my eyes,

650
00:51:46.720 --> 00:51:51.680
and yet I picture myself in that in that house. Like this is where I felt, you know, I love this

651
00:51:51.680 --> 00:52:00.000
environment, I feel very safe. And then I pictured a garden off to the side. And that, that, and then

652
00:52:00.000 --> 00:52:04.000
I, and then immediately, you know, when I said, Oh, you know, there's, when I thought, okay,

653
00:52:04.000 --> 00:52:07.440
there's going to be this garden immediately was a garden filled with like my favorite things.

654
00:52:08.080 --> 00:52:12.640
It's like, well, if I could imagine, you know, my favorite garden, what is it? So it was like,

655
00:52:12.640 --> 00:52:19.440
perfectly surrounded by a white picket fence, and it had these gorgeous, vibrant blooms on all the,

656
00:52:19.440 --> 00:52:28.560
on all the plants. And I just loved it. And then I, there was this, I knew that there was something

657
00:52:28.560 --> 00:52:32.880
bad in there. I was being guided through this whole thing. Someone was telling me kind of like,

658
00:52:32.880 --> 00:52:37.440
Hey, do this, you know, Hey, look, look, and you see a garden. So imagine what's in that garden.

659
00:52:37.440 --> 00:52:41.760
And I'm seeing all these pretty things. I said, and then they said, okay, imagine that there is

660
00:52:41.760 --> 00:52:46.800
this ugly thing in the garden. There's this bad thing. There's a weed. That's what they call it.

661
00:52:47.520 --> 00:52:52.080
There's a weed. And I'm telling you what immediately I thought in my imagination.

662
00:52:52.080 --> 00:52:56.560
So I knew that the Lord was guiding me in it. I mean, because it's not, you don't have fast enough

663
00:52:56.560 --> 00:53:02.560
to think, you know, so immediately I thought in my, in my imagination, and it was this horrible,

664
00:53:02.560 --> 00:53:08.480
ugly, dead, scraggly bush of a thing. I don't know what it used to be, but whatever it was,

665
00:53:08.480 --> 00:53:13.760
it was awful. And it had no leaves on it. It would no flowers. It was perfectly dead. And

666
00:53:13.760 --> 00:53:17.760
it was just ugly and scraggly and just dead. And it was hanging, it was taller than anything else

667
00:53:17.760 --> 00:53:24.480
and hanging over some of the other flowers and meaning that it was old. It was more established

668
00:53:24.480 --> 00:53:29.360
than any of the other flowers. And it was very, and it was dead. Everything else is vibrant and

669
00:53:29.360 --> 00:53:35.200
alive. And this thing was dead. And so I asked God to name it for me, God, what is in my garden?

670
00:53:35.200 --> 00:53:42.320
That is so bad. And he said, Ashley, that is who you have defined and identified yourself to be to

671
00:53:42.320 --> 00:53:51.760
yourself. That is that bush. That dead bush is who you told yourself to yourself that you are.

672
00:53:52.480 --> 00:53:57.760
You defined you, you described you to yourself and, and you made yourself live according to

673
00:53:57.760 --> 00:54:04.000
that definition. And that is what that looks like. It was dead and it was ugly and it was horrid.

674
00:54:05.120 --> 00:54:12.080
And so this is not who God said that I was. This was my sense of self. And it was worse than that.

675
00:54:12.080 --> 00:54:18.400
It wasn't just like, oh, this is who I thought God made me. It was, I had, I had told myself,

676
00:54:18.400 --> 00:54:24.880
this is who I was. I made the dad gun thing. God didn't plan, didn't make it like that. I did.

677
00:54:25.600 --> 00:54:32.320
And so I, what I did is I grabbed it up and I uprooted it and I put it in a box and I gave it

678
00:54:32.320 --> 00:54:38.640
to Jesus. Jesus just absorbed it into himself. Like he, I just gave it to him to, to surrender

679
00:54:39.360 --> 00:54:44.800
my sense of self and how I had defined myself to be, which again, is the root of all of this stuff.

680
00:54:44.800 --> 00:54:48.720
The fact that I feel stupid around other people right now, the fact that, you know, I just feel,

681
00:54:48.720 --> 00:54:53.360
I don't know, I'm just insecure and I'm like, do I know anything? And, you know, and I don't know,

682
00:54:54.000 --> 00:54:59.840
I like me, but I feel like I'm behind. I feel like I'm behind other people.

683
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:01.800
I felt like everybody else is further in life.

684
00:55:01.800 --> 00:55:07.440
They, they figured things out, but I haven't, I'm not, I'm not smart enough

685
00:55:07.500 --> 00:55:10.080
and mature enough to be 40 next year.

686
00:55:10.920 --> 00:55:16.020
I mean, I'm just like, I don't, I don't feel like I've lived my life effectively

687
00:55:16.020 --> 00:55:17.560
and efficiently to be that right.

688
00:55:17.560 --> 00:55:19.360
So all of that's wrapped up in it.

689
00:55:19.360 --> 00:55:23.020
So anyway, I put it in the box, gave it to Jesus, and then Jesus can do whatever

690
00:55:23.020 --> 00:55:26.280
he wants with it when you give it to him, when you put it in a box.

691
00:55:26.880 --> 00:55:30.280
And now I was with someone else when they were being guided while we

692
00:55:30.280 --> 00:55:31.380
were being guided through this.

693
00:55:31.380 --> 00:55:32.880
And theirs was a small weed.

694
00:55:33.680 --> 00:55:35.180
Mine was this horrible, ugly bush.

695
00:55:35.180 --> 00:55:37.560
So everybody's going to get kind of a different image from the

696
00:55:37.560 --> 00:55:40.640
Lord about what they, about what he says, that that thing gives you a

697
00:55:40.640 --> 00:55:45.300
visual of what your problem is that he wants to deal with my, the other

698
00:55:45.300 --> 00:55:47.340
person that was going through this, theirs was pride.

699
00:55:47.340 --> 00:55:48.420
That's what the Lord told them.

700
00:55:48.760 --> 00:55:49.420
They were shocked.

701
00:55:49.420 --> 00:55:50.080
They were like, really?

702
00:55:50.520 --> 00:55:52.720
And that's the, that's the word the Lord gave them for me.

703
00:55:52.740 --> 00:55:54.360
God said, that's your sense of self being.

704
00:55:54.360 --> 00:55:58.020
So anyway, you have to give it to Jesus and Jesus turned away from me

705
00:55:58.020 --> 00:55:59.780
and just absorb the box into himself.

706
00:55:59.780 --> 00:56:04.300
And because that thing, nothing ugly and bad can exist within him.

707
00:56:04.320 --> 00:56:07.720
It disappeared and like evaporated as if it had never existed.

708
00:56:08.160 --> 00:56:12.640
Then the thing where that bush had been was replaced by a fully grown,

709
00:56:12.640 --> 00:56:19.900
fully in bloom, vibrant green leaves, vibrant pink and roses, rosebush.

710
00:56:20.700 --> 00:56:23.080
I mean, boom, it didn't have to grow.

711
00:56:23.260 --> 00:56:25.920
It wasn't a seed like, Hey, you know what?

712
00:56:25.920 --> 00:56:27.320
You wasted all this time.

713
00:56:27.320 --> 00:56:28.500
Now we got to start over.

714
00:56:29.240 --> 00:56:31.840
It was fully mature as if it had always been there.

715
00:56:31.840 --> 00:56:34.420
And it was the same size as the other bush.

716
00:56:34.440 --> 00:56:36.520
Only this was fully alive.

717
00:56:36.940 --> 00:56:41.840
Again, I'm not trying to make this up, meaning like while I'm doing this,

718
00:56:41.840 --> 00:56:45.440
I'm not trying to pick, Oh, what I'd like to see and what I hope it's

719
00:56:45.440 --> 00:56:47.000
true or what I hope isn't true.

720
00:56:47.000 --> 00:56:49.440
Or what do I think is the biggest issue I have to deal with?

721
00:56:49.820 --> 00:56:54.240
It's like you empty your mind and your expectation of what you're

722
00:56:54.240 --> 00:56:56.400
going to get out of this exercise.

723
00:56:56.640 --> 00:57:01.040
You completely give it up and you just ask God, God, please show me, please tell me.

724
00:57:01.240 --> 00:57:05.860
And then the first thing that comes into your mind or the first thing that comes

725
00:57:05.860 --> 00:57:10.680
into your, um, into, you know, your, your mind or the first, you know, like the

726
00:57:10.680 --> 00:57:14.160
first word or the first picture or the whatever, and you just go with it.

727
00:57:14.160 --> 00:57:15.240
You just trust it and go with it.

728
00:57:15.240 --> 00:57:19.320
Cause again, you're submitting yourself to the Lord in this exercise.

729
00:57:19.320 --> 00:57:21.960
So you don't have to worry about Satan or the devil or somebody

730
00:57:21.960 --> 00:57:23.360
coming in and like messing with it.

731
00:57:23.720 --> 00:57:27.680
You're in a, in a safe environment where God's fully in control.

732
00:57:28.080 --> 00:57:33.980
And, um, and then you start seeing, you start getting a visual for the real

733
00:57:33.980 --> 00:57:38.220
issues, the name of it and how to deal and how to deal with it.

734
00:57:38.220 --> 00:57:42.120
And then, um, what, what God says is actually the truth.

735
00:57:42.760 --> 00:57:47.520
And because it's a visual, it's helpful as opposed to just words and concepts.

736
00:57:47.520 --> 00:57:48.840
Oh, God says you're loved.

737
00:57:48.840 --> 00:57:51.360
And God says you're this conceptually.

738
00:57:51.360 --> 00:57:54.960
It all sounds great, but we've heard that our whole lives and it hasn't worked.

739
00:57:55.640 --> 00:58:01.000
So seeing the visual, when you're asking God, God, who am I?

740
00:58:01.000 --> 00:58:02.080
What do I look like?

741
00:58:02.080 --> 00:58:03.840
Give me a picture, give me a whatever.

742
00:58:04.320 --> 00:58:06.920
And then what are the issues that are currently have?

743
00:58:06.920 --> 00:58:08.480
What does it currently look like in my life?

744
00:58:08.480 --> 00:58:11.880
You know, that kind of thing is just helpful to kind of, I

745
00:58:11.880 --> 00:58:13.280
don't know, solidify it to us.

746
00:58:13.280 --> 00:58:17.160
Because what we tend to see is the thing that we tend to latch onto.

747
00:58:17.160 --> 00:58:20.160
So if we see it, then it tends to be very helpful as opposed

748
00:58:20.160 --> 00:58:21.480
to just some word in our head.

749
00:58:22.040 --> 00:58:26.520
Um, so if that, if that, you know, encouraging at all, um, I'm

750
00:58:26.520 --> 00:58:27.800
struggling with the same thing.

751
00:58:27.840 --> 00:58:30.960
And when I went through that exercise last week, that's what God showed me.

752
00:58:31.520 --> 00:58:33.960
Um, so that all sounds great.

753
00:58:34.040 --> 00:58:42.320
And it provided me with some, some healing, but it, the healing felt very small.

754
00:58:42.760 --> 00:58:45.560
And I knew that it meant that I now I'm going to have to walk it out.

755
00:58:46.480 --> 00:58:47.280
So it's great.

756
00:58:48.080 --> 00:58:52.480
You know, that, that, that that's what God said, but I now have to walk out the

757
00:58:52.480 --> 00:58:57.480
fact that I'm choosing by faith, that that's actually true if that's true.

758
00:58:57.560 --> 00:59:00.080
And if I believe it, how now shall I live?

759
00:59:01.000 --> 00:59:01.960
Who now am I?

760
00:59:02.360 --> 00:59:03.280
What would I do?

761
00:59:03.360 --> 00:59:04.600
What will I do now?

762
00:59:05.000 --> 00:59:07.600
And so that's what God's teaching me now.

763
00:59:07.600 --> 00:59:11.520
It's like, okay, Ashley, I've, I've given you the concepts, but now you

764
00:59:11.520 --> 00:59:13.600
need to walk it out in your daily life.

765
00:59:13.640 --> 00:59:19.320
When you're in the middle of people and you're having a conversation and you're

766
00:59:19.320 --> 00:59:21.240
just like, why can't I keep up?

767
00:59:21.720 --> 00:59:28.640
Or, you know, why are they not interested in talking to me or why whatever?

768
00:59:29.080 --> 00:59:31.720
And then you're tempted to start thinking and believing things.

769
00:59:31.760 --> 00:59:38.920
And then that you have to remember, no, this, that old temptation, that old

770
00:59:39.240 --> 00:59:43.800
fear is based off of who I've been saying that I am it.

771
00:59:43.800 --> 00:59:47.240
And so I don't want to continue to tell me that is who you are.

772
00:59:47.440 --> 00:59:52.160
You were, you were this ugly thing, this whatever, you know?

773
00:59:52.480 --> 00:59:56.640
Um, because God gives us the authority to identify ourselves.

774
00:59:56.640 --> 00:59:59.920
And by that, what I mean is like, like Adam naming the animals.

775
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:02.880
God created the animals, but Adam named them.

776
01:00:02.880 --> 01:00:05.760
And in the name, there's a description of like,

777
01:00:05.760 --> 01:00:08.320
of, you know, there's an aspect of it

778
01:00:08.320 --> 01:00:12.040
that's carried in a name that kind of embodies

779
01:00:12.040 --> 01:00:13.720
the characteristics of that animal,

780
01:00:13.720 --> 01:00:15.880
how it shall operate and what it should do,

781
01:00:15.880 --> 01:00:18.120
what it'll be like and whatever.

782
01:00:20.080 --> 01:00:22.840
So he co-created with God, he didn't create it by himself,

783
01:00:22.840 --> 01:00:24.880
he didn't create the giraffe, God created the giraffe,

784
01:00:24.880 --> 01:00:29.160
but by naming it, it was a co-creation with the Lord

785
01:00:29.160 --> 01:00:32.680
where Adam had an authority and a power

786
01:00:32.680 --> 01:00:35.720
to speak something over the animal

787
01:00:35.720 --> 01:00:38.800
that it now has to carry out for the rest of its existence.

788
01:00:38.800 --> 01:00:40.480
We do the same thing with ourselves.

789
01:00:40.480 --> 01:00:43.760
God creates us and God identifies us,

790
01:00:43.760 --> 01:00:46.440
but he allows us to either agree with them

791
01:00:46.440 --> 01:00:48.080
and speak that to ourselves,

792
01:00:48.080 --> 01:00:50.640
meaning like agreeing with it,

793
01:00:51.640 --> 01:00:55.760
or we're saying the opposite.

794
01:00:55.760 --> 01:00:57.560
And what I had been doing my whole life

795
01:00:57.560 --> 01:00:59.280
is I've been saying the opposite.

796
01:00:59.280 --> 01:01:00.120
Why?

797
01:01:00.120 --> 01:01:02.720
Because I thought that that's what God had said about me.

798
01:01:02.720 --> 01:01:05.400
I thought that that's what, you know,

799
01:01:05.400 --> 01:01:07.800
I was understanding by all of the,

800
01:01:07.800 --> 01:01:11.280
every time that I felt like I failed my parents,

801
01:01:11.280 --> 01:01:15.200
that I, they thought they said that I disobeyed

802
01:01:15.200 --> 01:01:17.280
or my teacher said I'd done something wrong.

803
01:01:17.280 --> 01:01:19.080
And I'm like, okay, apparently,

804
01:01:19.080 --> 01:01:23.000
apparently they're right about me

805
01:01:24.000 --> 01:01:26.240
or whatever it is that I'm thinking that they said

806
01:01:26.240 --> 01:01:28.280
and then thinking what it means about me.

807
01:01:28.280 --> 01:01:31.440
I'm just, I'm now telling myself that's who you are

808
01:01:31.440 --> 01:01:32.600
and you need to fix you.

809
01:01:32.600 --> 01:01:33.560
You need to be better than that.

810
01:01:33.560 --> 01:01:34.400
You are better than that.

811
01:01:34.400 --> 01:01:35.840
God says, you're better than that.

812
01:01:35.840 --> 01:01:38.240
You know, step two, dah, dah, dah.

813
01:01:38.240 --> 01:01:40.960
I'm co-creating and I'm making the problem worse

814
01:01:40.960 --> 01:01:43.520
because I'm actually declaring to myself,

815
01:01:43.520 --> 01:01:46.280
you're this, you're that, you're whatever.

816
01:01:46.280 --> 01:01:48.880
And now I'm, it obligates me

817
01:01:48.880 --> 01:01:51.240
to carry out those negative things.

818
01:01:51.240 --> 01:01:55.160
And God said, that's not who I said you're to be.

819
01:01:55.240 --> 01:01:57.280
So when I'm in these situations now,

820
01:01:57.280 --> 01:01:59.320
I have to make, I have to choose,

821
01:01:59.320 --> 01:02:03.680
okay, I'm not going to choose that I'm stupid.

822
01:02:04.560 --> 01:02:06.800
I'm being tempted by this situation

823
01:02:06.800 --> 01:02:10.080
in thinking that about myself, something wrong with me.

824
01:02:10.080 --> 01:02:11.200
I'm not fast enough.

825
01:02:11.200 --> 01:02:13.480
I'm not further enough along in my maturity

826
01:02:13.480 --> 01:02:16.080
as I should be for somebody who's almost 40.

827
01:02:16.080 --> 01:02:17.320
I should have done this by now.

828
01:02:17.320 --> 01:02:19.560
I should have done this by now, whatever.

829
01:02:19.560 --> 01:02:21.680
You know, like for instance, I've never had a,

830
01:02:21.680 --> 01:02:24.040
I've never owned my own home.

831
01:02:24.040 --> 01:02:25.320
I don't fully understand.

832
01:02:25.320 --> 01:02:27.520
I know generally, obviously, how a mortgage works.

833
01:02:27.520 --> 01:02:29.280
I've never had to work out a mortgage.

834
01:02:29.280 --> 01:02:32.120
I've never had to, what do you call it?

835
01:02:32.120 --> 01:02:34.160
I've never had to negotiate a closing.

836
01:02:35.200 --> 01:02:36.680
I don't know about any of them.

837
01:02:36.680 --> 01:02:38.200
And I'm almost 40.

838
01:02:38.200 --> 01:02:39.240
I've never had a child.

839
01:02:39.240 --> 01:02:41.160
I've never had to raise one.

840
01:02:41.160 --> 01:02:43.800
You know, most people, some people that are my age

841
01:02:43.800 --> 01:02:46.440
are close to being grandparents.

842
01:02:46.440 --> 01:02:48.080
You know, it depends on how young they were,

843
01:02:48.080 --> 01:02:49.120
especially, you know, in the Amish

844
01:02:49.120 --> 01:02:49.960
or the Midnight community,

845
01:02:49.960 --> 01:02:52.480
they all married a lot younger than we did.

846
01:02:52.480 --> 01:02:53.560
I did in my culture.

847
01:02:54.080 --> 01:02:56.400
So therefore, you know, they're being grandparents.

848
01:02:56.400 --> 01:02:58.840
And I'm like, I don't even know what it's like

849
01:02:58.840 --> 01:03:01.160
to be pregnant.

850
01:03:01.160 --> 01:03:04.800
I feel behind in normal life,

851
01:03:04.800 --> 01:03:07.120
not being a singer, being an actress,

852
01:03:07.120 --> 01:03:11.360
no, normal life and what is considered to be,

853
01:03:13.840 --> 01:03:15.240
what do you call it?

854
01:03:15.240 --> 01:03:18.040
Like what makes a woman a woman?

855
01:03:19.280 --> 01:03:22.040
That's another thing that I'm struggling with.

856
01:03:22.040 --> 01:03:23.440
Not in certain aspect.

857
01:03:24.320 --> 01:03:25.160
I'm very feminine,

858
01:03:25.160 --> 01:03:27.760
but in certain aspects, not feeling woman enough.

859
01:03:27.760 --> 01:03:29.920
There's ways in which all of us women feel that way

860
01:03:29.920 --> 01:03:31.320
to some degree or another,

861
01:03:31.320 --> 01:03:32.520
whether it's, you know,

862
01:03:32.520 --> 01:03:34.240
whether we feel that, you know, sexually,

863
01:03:34.240 --> 01:03:35.920
or we're feeling that, you know,

864
01:03:35.920 --> 01:03:37.680
in our interactions with other women,

865
01:03:37.680 --> 01:03:40.400
or I don't know, whatever,

866
01:03:40.400 --> 01:03:42.560
or in our motherhood or whatnot.

867
01:03:42.560 --> 01:03:44.680
There's some aspect in which we think

868
01:03:44.680 --> 01:03:46.880
that we're not meeting some standard of womanhood.

869
01:03:46.880 --> 01:03:48.840
And we think that means if I'm a woman,

870
01:03:48.840 --> 01:03:50.680
if I'm identifying myself as a woman,

871
01:03:50.680 --> 01:03:52.920
I'm like, and by identifying myself,

872
01:03:52.920 --> 01:03:57.920
meaning like, I think that the root of my existence

873
01:03:58.600 --> 01:03:59.640
is my gender.

874
01:03:59.640 --> 01:04:01.240
And it's not, it's deeper than that.

875
01:04:01.240 --> 01:04:03.920
But anyway, if I'm identifying with those things,

876
01:04:03.920 --> 01:04:06.960
then I'm just like, I'm just not matching up.

877
01:04:06.960 --> 01:04:08.080
I'm not.

878
01:04:08.080 --> 01:04:10.240
So my point is that in those situations,

879
01:04:10.240 --> 01:04:11.080
I have to choose.

880
01:04:11.080 --> 01:04:12.320
Okay, no, that's what I'm always saying

881
01:04:12.320 --> 01:04:14.200
over what I've used to say over myself.

882
01:04:14.200 --> 01:04:16.760
That's what I've, God showed me in that picture

883
01:04:16.760 --> 01:04:19.880
that that's who I've told myself I am.

884
01:04:19.880 --> 01:04:21.480
And now what I have to choose,

885
01:04:21.480 --> 01:04:24.680
I have to choose to walk out in faith.

886
01:04:24.680 --> 01:04:27.480
In other words, put action to my faith

887
01:04:27.480 --> 01:04:30.880
that that rosebush that God gave me a picture of

888
01:04:30.880 --> 01:04:32.880
is actually who I am.

889
01:04:32.880 --> 01:04:36.040
That that scraggly thing really was taken away

890
01:04:36.040 --> 01:04:39.240
because I went through that process with him.

891
01:04:39.240 --> 01:04:40.920
He showed it to me, he took it away,

892
01:04:40.920 --> 01:04:42.480
he absorbed it into himself.

893
01:04:42.480 --> 01:04:45.080
I have to choose that that really happened.

894
01:04:45.080 --> 01:04:47.680
Not that I just like made it up,

895
01:04:47.680 --> 01:04:50.640
but meaning like that concept of who I was

896
01:04:50.680 --> 01:04:52.720
was something that Jesus had victory over.

897
01:04:52.720 --> 01:04:53.560
That's my point.

898
01:04:53.560 --> 01:04:56.080
Not that they're really with a bush and God absorbed it.

899
01:04:56.080 --> 01:04:56.920
I don't mean that.

900
01:04:56.920 --> 01:04:57.880
I don't mean it literally.

901
01:04:57.880 --> 01:05:00.080
I just mean that what that was representing.

902
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:04.680
But the process I was going through in my soul and in my spirit with the Lord,

903
01:05:04.680 --> 01:05:06.880
Lord, you know, I'm giving this to you and whatever.

904
01:05:06.880 --> 01:05:08.040
And he says that he absorbed it.

905
01:05:08.040 --> 01:05:09.360
I have to choose if it's true.

906
01:05:09.600 --> 01:05:11.240
I have to choose that it's no longer there.

907
01:05:11.240 --> 01:05:13.920
And that, that Rosebush is really who I am.

908
01:05:14.400 --> 01:05:18.720
And now I have to choose it in that very difficult moment when

909
01:05:18.720 --> 01:05:20.160
I'm sitting there feeling stupid.

910
01:05:21.120 --> 01:05:21.820
I have to choose.

911
01:05:21.820 --> 01:05:23.680
No, that's not who I am.

912
01:05:23.920 --> 01:05:29.680
I am going to identify myself to myself because I'm given that

913
01:05:29.680 --> 01:05:30.560
same power and authority.

914
01:05:30.560 --> 01:05:35.120
Like Adam, it's almost like I'm an animal, an animal that I, as Adam or

915
01:05:35.120 --> 01:05:39.480
naming, you know, I have to choose to identify myself as something different.

916
01:05:39.920 --> 01:05:44.280
I have to choose to agree with God and be a co-creator and speak over me.

917
01:05:44.280 --> 01:05:47.600
The same thing that God said that I was, God showed me who I was.

918
01:05:47.680 --> 01:05:52.640
I'm the one who asked to speak that to me because I can be that all

919
01:05:52.640 --> 01:05:56.120
I want in the Lord and God said that this is who you are.

920
01:05:56.120 --> 01:05:58.840
But if I don't agree with it, I don't get to live it out.

921
01:05:59.640 --> 01:06:02.840
I was like, that's the part that actually makes it makes

922
01:06:02.840 --> 01:06:04.760
you get to experience it.

923
01:06:04.800 --> 01:06:09.280
You're still are it, but you only get to experience being it.

924
01:06:09.520 --> 01:06:13.360
If you identify, and if you tell yourself in your own authority that God

925
01:06:13.360 --> 01:06:15.040
gave you over you, this is who you are.

926
01:06:15.480 --> 01:06:16.200
I've named you.

927
01:06:16.200 --> 01:06:19.320
I have the power to name you what, and to describe you and to have

928
01:06:19.320 --> 01:06:20.960
you carry out whatever I say.

929
01:06:21.640 --> 01:06:24.880
And I'm going to only tell you the things that God said are true about me.

930
01:06:25.120 --> 01:06:31.840
And I ha and that is how I'm having to, that is how I'm having to carry out the

931
01:06:31.840 --> 01:06:37.440
things that God tells me are true about me is it's not just the concept and having

932
01:06:37.440 --> 01:06:43.320
gone through that experience and engagement with the Lord is God is just God giving

933
01:06:43.320 --> 01:06:49.200
me a direction and for him to tell me the truth, that's not going to fix it.

934
01:06:49.960 --> 01:06:50.720
Cause guess what?

935
01:06:50.880 --> 01:06:55.200
This whole week I've been in situations where it's actually felt worse.

936
01:06:55.720 --> 01:07:03.360
I felt more stupid, more things have come up and I'm like, God's just like,

937
01:07:03.400 --> 01:07:06.240
Ashley, but I told you that that's not true.

938
01:07:07.080 --> 01:07:12.760
So no, you're going to have to actually agree with me in order to finally get to

939
01:07:12.760 --> 01:07:17.920
live, no longer feeling or believing that you're stupid, that you're behind, that

940
01:07:17.920 --> 01:07:18.640
you're whatever.

941
01:07:19.120 --> 01:07:25.400
And then, and I wish I knew how to explain this better, but in all of that, there's

942
01:07:25.400 --> 01:07:29.520
this freedom and there's still like this letting go the way that you and I have

943
01:07:29.520 --> 01:07:33.080
lived life so far is very heavy.

944
01:07:33.560 --> 01:07:40.000
We're carrying all kinds of things and we don't realize how heavy life feels going

945
01:07:40.000 --> 01:07:40.480
through it.

946
01:07:40.800 --> 01:07:44.840
And so we no longer obligate ourselves to believing certain things about us,

947
01:07:44.840 --> 01:07:48.920
believing certain things about God, carrying all those negative things or

948
01:07:48.920 --> 01:07:52.680
fears or thinking others, always having something in your mind that you're trying

949
01:07:52.680 --> 01:07:53.120
to fix.

950
01:07:53.480 --> 01:07:55.520
Oh, I need to work with my leaders on this.

951
01:07:55.560 --> 01:07:57.760
I need to work with my kids on this.

952
01:07:58.080 --> 01:08:04.040
You can have those as things that you're doing, but not as something that, that is

953
01:08:04.040 --> 01:08:06.640
like, Oh, what I'm, what am I doing right now in my life?

954
01:08:06.640 --> 01:08:08.800
Well, right now I'm working on this right now.

955
01:08:08.800 --> 01:08:09.800
I'm working on that.

956
01:08:10.600 --> 01:08:11.920
That's not who I am.

957
01:08:11.920 --> 01:08:15.880
That doesn't define my, the going with my current journey.

958
01:08:16.600 --> 01:08:19.439
It's just one of the many things that I'm doing right now.

959
01:08:19.920 --> 01:08:26.880
And I have to switch my mind to making it one of many things I'm doing as opposed to

960
01:08:28.040 --> 01:08:34.399
this is, uh, this is my, I don't know, kind of like the focus and the, it kind of like

961
01:08:34.680 --> 01:08:38.840
as if I'm trying to get legitimate legitimacy of my, for my existence.

962
01:08:40.359 --> 01:08:41.880
What am I fixing right now?

963
01:08:41.920 --> 01:08:48.479
That gives me legitimacy and protection and safety, you know, because I'm working

964
01:08:48.479 --> 01:08:50.800
on something, I'm trying to make it better.

965
01:08:50.800 --> 01:08:54.760
I'm trying to avoid bad things that could happen, you know, et cetera.

966
01:08:55.040 --> 01:09:00.439
So anyway, I've, I've talked for a while, um, that, uh, what are your thoughts?

967
01:09:01.960 --> 01:09:04.600
Um, well, I'm going to run and check on Lori real quick.

968
01:09:04.600 --> 01:09:07.880
Cause I just don't want him to be like using nail polish or anything like that.

969
01:09:08.840 --> 01:09:10.880
And then I will share my thoughts when I get back.

970
01:09:11.640 --> 01:09:12.080
All right.

971
01:09:12.800 --> 01:09:15.640
And I'm going to go take some drops of medicine real quick.

972
01:09:15.680 --> 01:09:16.240
I'll be right back.

973
01:09:37.880 --> 01:09:40.120
I'm going to go take some drops of medicine real quick.

974
01:09:40.120 --> 01:09:40.800
I'll be right back.

975
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:02.060
you

976
01:10:30.000 --> 01:10:32.060
you

977
01:11:00.000 --> 01:11:02.060
you

978
01:11:30.000 --> 01:11:32.520
you

979
01:12:00.000 --> 01:12:07.000
have any questions, please feel free to reach out to me and I will be happy to answer them.

980
01:12:07.000 --> 01:12:08.000
Thank you.

981
01:12:08.000 --> 01:12:09.000
Okay.

982
01:12:09.000 --> 01:12:10.000
Sorry about that.

983
01:12:10.000 --> 01:12:11.000
It was good timing.

984
01:12:11.000 --> 01:12:12.000
I needed it.

985
01:12:12.000 --> 01:12:13.000
I was due for my dose.

986
01:12:13.000 --> 01:12:14.000
So, no problem.

987
01:12:14.000 --> 01:12:15.000
All right.

988
01:12:15.000 --> 01:12:16.000
Anyway.

989
01:12:16.000 --> 01:12:17.000
Yes.

990
01:12:17.000 --> 01:12:27.240
So, and I feel like when I was back, back when I was fresh out of the rest intensive,

991
01:12:27.240 --> 01:12:33.880
I feel like that was my, if I, if it would be like a word picture and you can imagine

992
01:12:33.880 --> 01:12:39.760
like, I don't know, like a hill and there's like a long hill and then, you know, it comes

993
01:12:39.760 --> 01:12:41.960
back down over the other side.

994
01:12:41.960 --> 01:12:47.200
I felt like I climbed up like almost to the top, you know what I mean?

995
01:12:47.200 --> 01:12:49.880
And, and I didn't quite get to the top.

996
01:12:49.880 --> 01:12:56.360
And so then I just slid back down to the bottom and started feeling again, like, no, like

997
01:12:56.480 --> 01:13:04.040
I need all of these like methods and all of these, all of these like methods.

998
01:13:04.040 --> 01:13:06.200
Can you hear me okay with these?

999
01:13:06.200 --> 01:13:16.040
I just, I just didn't understand what you were saying, but you said, okay, yeah.

1000
01:13:16.040 --> 01:13:21.840
And I feel like I just had this thing where I feel like this almost like a desperation

1001
01:13:21.840 --> 01:13:26.160
to know like, what is the purpose of my life?

1002
01:13:26.160 --> 01:13:32.680
You know, like what is, I just feel like this thing where I, I just want to like wake up

1003
01:13:32.680 --> 01:13:36.920
one day and know like, oh my goodness, this is my purpose.

1004
01:13:36.920 --> 01:13:39.320
This is, this is who I am.

1005
01:13:39.320 --> 01:13:45.760
Like just even writing an Instagram bio is just like, I don't even know how to do it

1006
01:13:45.760 --> 01:13:48.320
because I'm like, well, who am I?

1007
01:13:48.320 --> 01:13:53.160
I feel like I'm a squirrel that's interested in all these different things all the time.

1008
01:13:53.160 --> 01:13:56.920
And I'm not really ever interested in one.

1009
01:13:56.920 --> 01:14:01.320
And I feel like, yeah, this desperation to be able to define myself in one way that says,

1010
01:14:01.320 --> 01:14:04.920
this is who I am and that's never going to change.

1011
01:14:04.920 --> 01:14:17.080
But yeah, the other thing I told Arnold is I feel like I can't, I feel like I have this

1012
01:14:17.080 --> 01:14:22.760
dreadful sense of like being the only one in my own life.

1013
01:14:22.760 --> 01:14:24.600
Does that make sense?

1014
01:14:24.600 --> 01:14:38.200
Like I feel like I'm the only one who, who's stuck here and I can't, I cannot, I can't

1015
01:14:38.200 --> 01:14:44.240
really well relay where I'm at to anyone.

1016
01:14:44.240 --> 01:14:45.720
I don't know if that makes sense or not.

1017
01:14:45.720 --> 01:14:52.960
Like it just ends up, yeah, it just ends up feeling like I'm alone in my own life when

1018
01:14:52.960 --> 01:14:56.360
I'm not like, I know that I'm surrounded by people, but it's yeah.

1019
01:14:56.360 --> 01:14:59.360
Just that sense of being lonely.

1020
01:14:59.360 --> 01:15:00.040
And I think that's.

1021
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:05.840
part of what is driving me to to like want a purpose like I want I want to be able to be

1022
01:15:05.840 --> 01:15:14.720
known I feel unknown by myself and by God and by others and sorry oh that's okay there we go

1023
01:15:14.720 --> 01:15:21.440
my alarm went off for my dose and so I had to stop it okay Monty what

1024
01:15:21.440 --> 01:15:31.000
yeah we will but you have to go nap first it's gonna be a late it's gonna be a late

1025
01:15:31.000 --> 01:15:37.240
night tonight because we have to clean afterwards you may not lay down here you have to go upstairs

1026
01:15:37.240 --> 01:16:00.480
go come on in your bed this time in your own bed yes sweetie anyway yeah yeah yeah I feel I feel

1027
01:16:00.480 --> 01:16:07.760
unknown and I think that's another thing that I've heard the term for is like where you feel

1028
01:16:07.760 --> 01:16:12.520
like you're outside of your life looking in like where you're not actually in your life or you're

1029
01:16:12.520 --> 01:16:22.240
not actually so I feel even like disconnected from me mm-hmm yeah so yeah and yeah I think

1030
01:16:22.240 --> 01:16:28.440
that's that's probably the biggest thing is like what you said like and I think it's I know in my

1031
01:16:28.440 --> 01:16:33.360
head that I think everybody feels that way too but then that almost infuriates me more it's like

1032
01:16:33.360 --> 01:16:40.120
surely surely there's some way to get to a place where you don't feel behind all the time or you

1033
01:16:40.120 --> 01:16:52.360
don't feel like not smart enough or not I don't know like in other words it doesn't I don't know

1034
01:16:52.360 --> 01:16:57.080
how to say what I'm thinking like in other words I'm glad that other people can understand but I

1035
01:16:57.160 --> 01:17:02.000
also like I don't want that to be the end of it I don't want people to just be able to understand

1036
01:17:02.000 --> 01:17:07.120
I'm not talking about like you sharing your story with me that's not what I'm talking about in other

1037
01:17:07.120 --> 01:17:12.560
words it's not even enough that people relate to me I want to know that like it doesn't have to

1038
01:17:12.560 --> 01:17:20.840
stay like this right well is that you know I I feel like this panic that like I know that I've

1039
01:17:20.840 --> 01:17:26.400
always been a very idealistic person but is that just what I am like am I like am I just hoping

1040
01:17:26.400 --> 01:17:34.400
for something that's not there no you know what I mean no because like am I a perfectionist you

1041
01:17:34.400 --> 01:17:46.120
know am I expecting perfection out of my life or why is it that I just always feel like I don't

1042
01:17:46.120 --> 01:17:58.000
know the moments of feeling like fool are very few and far between well like FUL yeah yeah well

1043
01:17:58.000 --> 01:18:14.120
remember what I was but I was thinking and I see lost my train of thought oh you were saying that

1044
01:18:14.120 --> 01:18:22.680
it's not enough for people to know so oh yeah idealism so yeah I've I've been told that I'm

1045
01:18:22.680 --> 01:18:31.800
very idealistic as well and I but I've been only told that recently being like I don't know past

1046
01:18:31.800 --> 01:18:39.920
like year or whatever and and I was like no I'm not but and I never been told that before and I

1047
01:18:39.920 --> 01:18:49.200
realized well so what does that mean how does that play out in my life and I realized that it

1048
01:18:49.200 --> 01:18:57.280
meant because I always liked my and like there were specific things that I want out of life you

1049
01:18:57.280 --> 01:19:00.680
know there's specific things that we want our life to look like that we want out of life or whatever

1050
01:19:00.680 --> 01:19:09.440
so it's like well I God created a beautiful world with with it where life is supposed to be better

1051
01:19:09.440 --> 01:19:16.040
than we can eat them we even hope for or dream and that's his intention and his in a manner

1052
01:19:16.040 --> 01:19:20.760
speaking his expectation he's just like of course it's going to you know this is the way I created

1053
01:19:20.760 --> 01:19:27.080
it it with abundance I'm like yeah but why am I not living it you know and then whatever so that

1054
01:19:27.080 --> 01:19:37.800
whole idealist idealism that I used to think was that I just had high standards and I believed that

1055
01:19:38.160 --> 01:19:45.640
I believed the truth God really created life to be like this and he expected it to be like this

1056
01:19:45.640 --> 01:19:52.200
and everybody else doesn't expect God to be that good that's how what I thought and I've actually

1057
01:19:52.200 --> 01:20:00.000
come to understand how my idealism in the areas

1058
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:05.360
is that I was idealistic about life, why it's actually a problem and why it's

1059
01:20:05.360 --> 01:20:09.000
not, why it's idealistic and it's not realistic.

1060
01:20:09.440 --> 01:20:15.680
And that's because I have put, I have misunderstood the meaning of

1061
01:20:15.680 --> 01:20:19.560
life in various, various areas.

1062
01:20:20.120 --> 01:20:23.160
Like in various areas of life, I've misunderstood the meaning.

1063
01:20:23.160 --> 01:20:24.400
I've misunderstood the purpose.

1064
01:20:24.400 --> 01:20:26.080
I've misunderstood where we were going.

1065
01:20:27.080 --> 01:20:29.840
And that's why it was idealistic.

1066
01:20:29.880 --> 01:20:34.120
It wasn't that the standard was too high and that God's really not that good.

1067
01:20:34.120 --> 01:20:37.120
And Ashley, come back down to earth, you know, be realistic.

1068
01:20:37.120 --> 01:20:40.720
You know, God doesn't do stuff like that because I was like, no, I know he does.

1069
01:20:40.960 --> 01:20:45.480
I know he means our life to be more and bigger and more colorful and

1070
01:20:45.480 --> 01:20:47.480
more vibrant and better than it is.

1071
01:20:48.480 --> 01:20:54.000
Um, but the idealism is the fact that God means this, this is

1072
01:20:54.000 --> 01:20:55.320
what everybody else believes.

1073
01:20:56.240 --> 01:20:58.080
So to speak, I'm just being very simplistic.

1074
01:20:58.080 --> 01:20:59.120
This is what everybody else believes.

1075
01:20:59.120 --> 01:21:03.920
This is what God says he wants to give us and that he's created

1076
01:21:03.960 --> 01:21:05.120
for us to grab ahold of.

1077
01:21:05.640 --> 01:21:06.400
And this is me.

1078
01:21:07.600 --> 01:21:12.560
I'm like way over here and it's, it sure it's higher than all of these other

1079
01:21:12.560 --> 01:21:15.360
people, but it's not what God wants.

1080
01:21:15.400 --> 01:21:22.080
And so therefore what the good thing is that my idealism is actually too short.

1081
01:21:23.200 --> 01:21:25.520
And it's not that it's too short down here.

1082
01:21:25.520 --> 01:21:28.400
It's that I've just misunderstood.

1083
01:21:28.960 --> 01:21:32.480
I gave it, I gave certain aspects of life, different meaning

1084
01:21:32.840 --> 01:21:34.240
that I thought God gave them.

1085
01:21:34.240 --> 01:21:37.080
And God's like, that's not what I'm talking about, you know, but I

1086
01:21:37.080 --> 01:21:38.680
thought that's what he meant.

1087
01:21:38.720 --> 01:21:39.480
And God's like, no, no, no.

1088
01:21:39.480 --> 01:21:45.160
If you choose, if you actually follow through and experience the abundance

1089
01:21:45.160 --> 01:21:49.520
that I created and that I meant it's a lot better than your idealism.

1090
01:21:49.520 --> 01:21:51.240
And that's why your idealism falls short.

1091
01:21:51.800 --> 01:21:53.320
It's because this is actually better.

1092
01:21:53.320 --> 01:21:56.800
This is what you were created to want and to need and to be satisfied

1093
01:21:56.800 --> 01:22:00.320
by, to fill full and to fill abundance.

1094
01:22:00.400 --> 01:22:04.440
And then this over here will look cheap once you discover this, but you

1095
01:22:04.440 --> 01:22:07.400
don't even know this exists, so you don't even know to want it.

1096
01:22:08.080 --> 01:22:13.280
But I did create something in you to want that's longing for something,

1097
01:22:13.280 --> 01:22:16.160
but you can't, you can't land on what it is.

1098
01:22:16.160 --> 01:22:19.920
You can't articulate for yourself what that thing is that you're longing for.

1099
01:22:19.920 --> 01:22:21.200
So you make something up.

1100
01:22:21.800 --> 01:22:23.160
You're trying to interpret the Bible.

1101
01:22:23.160 --> 01:22:25.480
You're trying to interpret, you know, what other people say or what other

1102
01:22:25.480 --> 01:22:29.480
people see as an idealistic life or how they live in a particular way.

1103
01:22:29.480 --> 01:22:32.360
And then from on the outside, it looks great to you.

1104
01:22:32.360 --> 01:22:33.440
And that's what you want.

1105
01:22:33.440 --> 01:22:36.440
You think that's what it looks good, but God is the one who knows what it

1106
01:22:36.440 --> 01:22:40.680
really looks like in their home or what life really looks on, you know, in

1107
01:22:40.680 --> 01:22:44.320
their heart or in their emotions to have a life like that, and it might

1108
01:22:44.320 --> 01:22:46.000
be stressful, it might be whatever.

1109
01:22:46.560 --> 01:22:53.360
And we create this idea, this idealism that's actually fall short of actually

1110
01:22:53.360 --> 01:22:55.760
satisfying what it is we really want.

1111
01:22:56.360 --> 01:22:59.880
And so that's where the idealism is actually a problem.

1112
01:23:00.400 --> 01:23:06.480
It's it's so what it is that, so here's my point, what it is you're longing

1113
01:23:06.480 --> 01:23:11.400
for and what it is you want and what you expect, you expect things to be better.

1114
01:23:11.440 --> 01:23:16.040
You expect things to be like what you're referring to as perfectionism

1115
01:23:16.040 --> 01:23:19.920
and idealism, whatever that, whatever it is you're longing for, not the

1116
01:23:19.920 --> 01:23:24.760
thing itself, but just that longing in you is accurate, there is something

1117
01:23:24.760 --> 01:23:31.200
to satisfy that you and I put a picture to it, put a name to it, put a word

1118
01:23:31.200 --> 01:23:32.440
to it, and God's like, that's not it.

1119
01:23:33.480 --> 01:23:37.640
So because that's not it and we can't ever get to it, we're, we're just,

1120
01:23:37.840 --> 01:23:41.280
we're always dissatisfied because you can never get to it because it doesn't exist.

1121
01:23:41.720 --> 01:23:43.600
That's like, that's, that's not what I'm talking about.

1122
01:23:44.240 --> 01:23:45.480
You know, I'm talking about this thing over here.

1123
01:23:45.480 --> 01:23:49.320
So anyway, if it's helpful, I'm kind of going through the same thing of like,

1124
01:23:49.360 --> 01:23:57.240
okay, uh, and what I'm having to do in order to actually discover what the,

1125
01:23:57.440 --> 01:24:02.880
and be able to live the abundance that God actually provided in various areas

1126
01:24:02.880 --> 01:24:07.640
of our lives, you know, marriage and kids and, you know, housing and in travel

1127
01:24:07.640 --> 01:24:11.040
and in work and ministry and everything, you know, just whatever relationship

1128
01:24:11.080 --> 01:24:13.240
with the Lord, whatever, I don't know what it is.

1129
01:24:13.240 --> 01:24:14.280
So I don't know where I'm heading.

1130
01:24:14.800 --> 01:24:18.840
So the only way to get there, because if, if I was supposed to know, God would

1131
01:24:18.840 --> 01:24:23.960
have told me, and I'm sure that he does, you know, reveal certain things, you

1132
01:24:23.960 --> 01:24:26.920
know, over time, but the majority of stuff is revealed as we get there.

1133
01:24:27.120 --> 01:24:28.800
Not before we get there.

1134
01:24:28.800 --> 01:24:30.720
It's like, once we get there, God's like, this is it.

1135
01:24:31.240 --> 01:24:32.680
That's God's revelation to us.

1136
01:24:32.680 --> 01:24:35.520
Not, Hey, I'm going to show you something that you haven't gotten to yet.

1137
01:24:35.520 --> 01:24:38.200
It's like, I'm talking to Abraham, go to the land.

1138
01:24:38.200 --> 01:24:39.040
I will show you.

1139
01:24:39.240 --> 01:24:43.760
Abraham didn't know the land until he stood on it and then he could see it.

1140
01:24:44.240 --> 01:24:45.920
You can see it before then.

1141
01:24:46.280 --> 01:24:50.640
So anyway, what I'm having to do, and so I recommend for you as well.

1142
01:24:50.640 --> 01:24:53.800
It's again, that whole thing that I talk about, it's the letting go.

1143
01:24:54.400 --> 01:24:59.160
It's the letting go of, of what I thought.

1144
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:07.040
you know, what we thought was the meaning, or we thought we wanted, or we thought was

1145
01:25:07.040 --> 01:25:12.560
the best of the best, or what we thought was perfect, and just no longer going for it,

1146
01:25:12.560 --> 01:25:18.240
no longer shooting for it, no longer expecting it. And it's not that we're giving up,

1147
01:25:18.880 --> 01:25:29.760
because instead, we keep that same longing, and we just, but we no longer, we disconnect

1148
01:25:29.760 --> 01:25:36.000
it from this thing. We keep it, but we disconnect it. So all of those other people, and I'm just

1149
01:25:36.000 --> 01:25:40.080
painting this with a broad brush. I'm not, you know, speaking judgment, you know, against anybody

1150
01:25:40.080 --> 01:25:45.280
or whatever. I'm just talking in general. So many other people are down here, and they're just like,

1151
01:25:45.280 --> 01:25:50.960
this is all we can expect. So they've learned to stifle that longing. And you, on the other hand,

1152
01:25:50.960 --> 01:25:59.360
you, you just, you refused to let go of something that God has given you, which is the longing and

1153
01:25:59.360 --> 01:26:04.000
the yearning for something. That's a gift from the Lord, because the Lord intends to satisfy that.

1154
01:26:04.000 --> 01:26:08.160
And you were bound and determined no one was going to take that from you, because there's something

1155
01:26:08.160 --> 01:26:14.640
instinctively in you that knows it's good, that knows it's right. There's an aspect of you that

1156
01:26:14.640 --> 01:26:20.480
your existence needs it in order to continue, right? And these other people have just stopped.

1157
01:26:20.480 --> 01:26:26.320
They're like, no, you know, this is all we can expect. This is how bad life is, or this is as

1158
01:26:26.320 --> 01:26:33.680
good as it gets. This is what God intended, and whatever. And so you have probably thought like

1159
01:26:33.680 --> 01:26:39.360
I did, that if you let go of this, you'd have to settle for this. That this meant letting go,

1160
01:26:39.360 --> 01:26:45.200
letting go of this meant letting go of longing and yearning, and of letting go of not ever

1161
01:26:45.200 --> 01:26:50.880
arriving at the higher, at the better. And it's not true. You just disconnect it from this thing,

1162
01:26:50.880 --> 01:26:54.880
so that God can finally show you what it really is. Because as long as we're grabbed ahold of this,

1163
01:26:54.880 --> 01:27:02.160
that's all we can see. And so we can't see it when God gives us something better. We can't

1164
01:27:02.160 --> 01:27:06.800
recognize it when it comes. Because we're just like, yeah, but it's not this. And God's like,

1165
01:27:06.800 --> 01:27:12.160
yeah, but you don't want that. Trust me, I created you to want this. But you didn't know to ask me for

1166
01:27:12.160 --> 01:27:17.600
this. So the only way you can recognize it is to get your eyes off this and to look at this instead.

1167
01:27:18.320 --> 01:27:24.480
So if it's any encouragement at all, I'm going through the same thing. So and it's hard to

1168
01:27:24.480 --> 01:27:32.480
actually let go without just without being disappointed. In other words, without bottoming

1169
01:27:32.480 --> 01:27:40.080
out, and no longer longing or yearning. So that's hard, because you and I have always ever longed

1170
01:27:40.080 --> 01:27:46.480
for something that we put a picture to that we had a word for that we Oh, this is what it's

1171
01:27:46.480 --> 01:27:53.360
supposed to be. And so keep that you don't have to let go of it and then be where everybody else

1172
01:27:53.360 --> 01:28:02.960
is. You keep that. And then God can now use that to actually allow you to finally arrive at the

1173
01:28:04.080 --> 01:28:08.480
abundance that he created people who've given up, they won't get to arrive there.

1174
01:28:08.480 --> 01:28:12.240
But if you keep that longing that yearning, you will get to arrive there.

1175
01:28:13.120 --> 01:28:20.480
Maybe this make any sense? Yeah, no, it does make sense. Yeah. Yeah. So that's very good.

1176
01:28:20.480 --> 01:28:24.640
You know, and in everything that you've been describing about yourself, your frustrations

1177
01:28:24.640 --> 01:28:29.760
that, hey, you know, I felt like I was the rest of those there. And I almost, you know,

1178
01:28:29.760 --> 01:28:35.760
went over the top and, and everything. I'm like, that's exactly what I'd always kind of felt is

1179
01:28:35.760 --> 01:28:40.240
it's like, I felt so bad for her. So it's like, it's just, it's right there. She and she can't

1180
01:28:40.240 --> 01:28:46.960
quite and she's frustrated because she can't quite, you know, breakthrough is kind of how I

1181
01:28:46.960 --> 01:28:50.320
how I was thinking about it. I was thinking about it also, you know, when you reached out to me,

1182
01:28:50.320 --> 01:28:54.320
and then I was praying about it with the Lord and everything. That's what I thought, Lord,

1183
01:28:54.320 --> 01:28:58.960
this is and I've told her that I said, Lord, this is what I've always seen for Priscilla,

1184
01:28:58.960 --> 01:29:04.240
is she's just waiting for that breakthrough, because she hasn't gotten it yet. And so I asked

1185
01:29:04.320 --> 01:29:13.360
the Lord's like, Lord, can you help me hear from you what would help what she can do or what,

1186
01:29:13.360 --> 01:29:20.160
I don't know, articulate something in a way where, you know, her spirit resonates with you knowing,

1187
01:29:20.160 --> 01:29:27.280
oh, that's it. You know, she gets breakthrough. But um, so anyway, I've always had a I was at

1188
01:29:27.280 --> 01:29:32.160
a heart for you, because I've always loved that you wanted it. And you were just trying to figure

1189
01:29:32.160 --> 01:29:38.480
out how to get it. So whenever I visited with you over the past, oh, wow, it's been three years now.

1190
01:29:38.480 --> 01:29:44.160
So whenever I visited with you over the past three years, that's what I've always had. I've always

1191
01:29:44.160 --> 01:29:49.280
tried to come at it a bit different. Let's try talking is saying it this way. And let's try

1192
01:29:49.280 --> 01:29:59.840
saying it this way. And, but, but, um, you're very in, you're like me.

1193
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:09.800
very, very entrenched in specific ideas about what is true.

1194
01:30:09.800 --> 01:30:16.280
And it's, it's stiff and, and it was, and it's stiff because that's where you protected

1195
01:30:16.280 --> 01:30:17.280
yourself.

1196
01:30:17.280 --> 01:30:19.280
That's where I protected myself.

1197
01:30:19.280 --> 01:30:27.040
And it took me a very, very, very long time for the Lord to, uh, to, for the Lord to make

1198
01:30:27.040 --> 01:30:30.980
me soft enough so that I could hear him.

1199
01:30:30.980 --> 01:30:36.240
And for me, I broke, I mean, my spirit didn't break or something, meaning like, you know,

1200
01:30:36.240 --> 01:30:38.920
people talk about, you know, breaking somebody else's spirit or whatever it wouldn't like

1201
01:30:38.920 --> 01:30:39.920
that.

1202
01:30:39.920 --> 01:30:40.920
I've gotten close.

1203
01:30:40.920 --> 01:30:44.600
I've gotten within a month or two of my whole entire spirit, just being completely broken

1204
01:30:44.600 --> 01:30:46.360
beyond repair.

1205
01:30:46.360 --> 01:30:55.840
And so, but my point is that it's you just being who it is that you are and the way,

1206
01:30:55.840 --> 01:30:57.480
and that's a good thing.

1207
01:30:57.480 --> 01:31:00.100
God created you the way that you are.

1208
01:31:00.100 --> 01:31:01.680
There's nothing wrong with it.

1209
01:31:01.680 --> 01:31:04.080
It has a purpose and everything.

1210
01:31:04.080 --> 01:31:13.920
So there's nothing wrong with you, but I keep trying to figure out, okay, how can, um, how

1211
01:31:13.920 --> 01:31:21.600
does God intend to explain this to you in a way that break that, that finally, you know,

1212
01:31:21.600 --> 01:31:25.820
gets through and lets you know that you don't have, basically, this is my point, to let

1213
01:31:25.820 --> 01:31:32.940
you know that you being so strong and so stiff, meaning stiff isn't like your ideas

1214
01:31:32.940 --> 01:31:39.620
of things or whatever, because this is what God said and whatever, feeling safe enough

1215
01:31:39.620 --> 01:31:47.180
to grab a hold of something that isn't, that doesn't fit in that stiffness, in that structure.

1216
01:31:47.180 --> 01:31:48.180
Does that make sense?

1217
01:31:48.180 --> 01:31:49.900
I couldn't do that.

1218
01:31:49.900 --> 01:31:51.700
I just flat out couldn't.

1219
01:31:51.700 --> 01:31:55.460
And so God brought me to the point of, of, um, of just being broken.

1220
01:31:56.100 --> 01:32:03.100
So there I've, I've wanted something different for you where you could, um, cause for me,

1221
01:32:03.100 --> 01:32:07.660
the bottom fell out of all, uh, all of my life, relationship, finances, and business,

1222
01:32:07.660 --> 01:32:10.020
the bottom fell out of everything.

1223
01:32:10.020 --> 01:32:18.020
Um, but I've known, I was like, God, you watched me through that so that other people wouldn't,

1224
01:32:18.020 --> 01:32:19.900
not everyone would have to go through that.

1225
01:32:19.900 --> 01:32:27.060
So anyway, just FYI, I, um, I'm here with you, I, you know, I know that you're going

1226
01:32:27.060 --> 01:32:33.460
to be able to, um, that you're going to be able to, you know, get a breakthrough.

1227
01:32:33.460 --> 01:32:40.420
Um, and so I've asked the Lord, well, what are some simple things that she can do that

1228
01:32:40.420 --> 01:32:43.300
will help get some breakthroughs?

1229
01:32:43.300 --> 01:32:50.700
So there's a couple of things that I've thought of, um, because basically it's like, here's,

1230
01:32:50.700 --> 01:32:51.700
here's my point.

1231
01:32:51.700 --> 01:32:54.980
When I was saying everything about being stiff, that's not a negative thing.

1232
01:32:54.980 --> 01:32:58.940
What I was saying is it's like, um, what is it?

1233
01:32:58.940 --> 01:33:04.620
It's, um, like you've got all of these expectations that you think are on you or that you have

1234
01:33:04.620 --> 01:33:07.860
of yourself and you're always trying to hold them up.

1235
01:33:07.860 --> 01:33:09.220
That's what I'm trying to say.

1236
01:33:09.220 --> 01:33:13.460
You're trying, that's what I mean when I'm saying that things are stiff is cause that

1237
01:33:13.460 --> 01:33:16.220
can usually have a negative connotation and that's not what I mean.

1238
01:33:16.220 --> 01:33:20.900
All I mean is that you're, you're trying to hold everything and you can't move or the

1239
01:33:20.900 --> 01:33:22.100
whole thing's going to fall apart.

1240
01:33:22.100 --> 01:33:24.100
You know, that's your, the mentality or whatever.

1241
01:33:24.100 --> 01:33:29.260
So it's like, well, Lord, what are some little things that'll break that mindset that she'll

1242
01:33:29.260 --> 01:33:33.700
know that she can let something go and it won't all fall apart.

1243
01:33:33.700 --> 01:33:36.740
Hey, sweetheart, how are you?

1244
01:33:36.820 --> 01:33:38.820
You're getting bigger.

1245
01:33:38.820 --> 01:33:40.820
Can you hear her?

1246
01:33:40.820 --> 01:33:42.820
She may not remember me.

1247
01:33:42.820 --> 01:33:43.820
It's been a year.

1248
01:33:43.820 --> 01:33:44.820
She doesn't remember you.

1249
01:33:44.820 --> 01:33:47.820
She can't hear you cause I met her back then.

1250
01:33:47.820 --> 01:33:48.820
Oh, okay.

1251
01:33:48.820 --> 01:33:49.820
Yeah.

1252
01:33:49.820 --> 01:33:58.020
And, uh, and so one of the things is, uh, is, uh, we, uh, is you just kind of can break

1253
01:33:58.020 --> 01:34:04.660
out of, uh, like a, like a, kind of like a mental routine, you know, if that makes sense.

1254
01:34:04.660 --> 01:34:16.740
And so one of the things that you can do is, um, it's been a long time, uh, is, uh, uh,

1255
01:34:16.740 --> 01:34:23.980
is, um, setting, like stopping something like stopping a project or whatever, when you're

1256
01:34:23.980 --> 01:34:29.220
in the middle of it and just spending time with the Lord for like, it could be two minutes,

1257
01:34:29.220 --> 01:34:32.620
could be five minutes, could be 15 minutes, you know, whatever.

1258
01:34:32.620 --> 01:34:38.460
And you're either like worshiping to it out loud, to a CD, or you are reading the Bible

1259
01:34:38.460 --> 01:34:43.060
or you're just simply walk out to the walk out to y'all's little river Creek by y'all.

1260
01:34:43.060 --> 01:34:47.420
And you just like, think about, you know, just meditate on the Lord, just thinking about

1261
01:34:47.420 --> 01:34:48.420
on the court.

1262
01:34:48.420 --> 01:34:49.420
He created the leaves like that.

1263
01:34:49.420 --> 01:34:54.380
And he created the river like that and he did whatever, just really giving him your

1264
01:34:54.380 --> 01:34:59.980
presence in order to enjoy his presence, not learn about him, but just whatever.

1265
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:05.920
important thing about leaving a project undone is that goes probably very much against your grain,

1266
01:35:05.920 --> 01:35:11.360
just like it does mine. It's because it's the thing of that, that whole idea of holding everything

1267
01:35:12.160 --> 01:35:15.440
internally, and we do the same thing with our projects. We're holding everything

1268
01:35:16.000 --> 01:35:21.600
and we can't let it down. And so you break out of that, but you begin to kind of like break

1269
01:35:21.600 --> 01:35:27.920
that mindset at, by purposefully stopping in the middle of, of a project that's not done.

1270
01:35:28.480 --> 01:35:34.800
And if doing it for five minutes won't work, you can spend time with the Lord for five minutes,

1271
01:35:34.800 --> 01:35:40.560
but then go do something else for another, like 45 and leave the daggum thing there unfinished

1272
01:35:40.560 --> 01:35:46.800
for an hour. If that bothers you do whatever bothers you in order to kind of, so that you know,

1273
01:35:46.800 --> 01:35:52.160
okay, you're, because here's the point you're training yourself. I can, the world will turn

1274
01:35:52.160 --> 01:35:56.400
without me. Everything will continue. If I don't get this thing done right now,

1275
01:35:57.200 --> 01:36:01.040
the world won't fall apart. And so it's forcing you to let go and trust God.

1276
01:36:02.720 --> 01:36:05.920
In a second. Okay. Me and Ashley are still talking.

1277
01:36:07.920 --> 01:36:14.560
And is to let go and to just trust. Okay. I've been trying to control things. I think that I

1278
01:36:14.560 --> 01:36:20.400
have to keep it up in order for everything to keep working. And I'm not, I'm going to purposefully let

1279
01:36:20.400 --> 01:36:26.480
it go and then focus on the Lord, leave it in the Lord's hands while I go do something else.

1280
01:36:28.800 --> 01:36:36.880
And then, and then the thing is that it will bleed over into other things that aren't projects.

1281
01:36:39.760 --> 01:36:45.600
That makes sense. So like, say for instance, things that you, I don't know how to describe

1282
01:36:45.600 --> 01:36:51.680
it, like worries or whatever, you know, it'll bleed because it's a physical project that you're

1283
01:36:51.680 --> 01:36:57.360
stopping. If you, if you start trusting the Lord in like, okay, the world will keep turning. If I

1284
01:36:57.360 --> 01:37:03.120
stop, if I leave the dishes undone at times, like you don't normally, like, I don't know if you don't

1285
01:37:03.120 --> 01:37:06.960
leave the dishes out, you know, all night and you make sure to always do them, you know, before you

1286
01:37:06.960 --> 01:37:11.840
go to bed or you make sure you always do them at a certain time or whatever, you know, or before

1287
01:37:11.840 --> 01:37:17.360
someone comes over, it's just like, I just can't, you know, not do that. Force yourself to do things

1288
01:37:17.360 --> 01:37:24.480
you don't let yourself do and purposefully give it to God. And that begins to kind of break that

1289
01:37:24.480 --> 01:37:30.960
hold that, that has had over us, that things aren't okay unless we control them. And you're

1290
01:37:30.960 --> 01:37:37.280
purposefully giving it to God. So I know, I know it sounds strange, but it really does bleed over

1291
01:37:37.280 --> 01:37:42.480
then into things like worry, into things like that are all in your head or that are in your

1292
01:37:42.480 --> 01:37:47.840
emotions and aren't physical projects you're doing. You just start with the physical projects

1293
01:37:47.840 --> 01:37:51.440
because that's easier to feel like you're giving it to the Lord or that you're stopping because you

1294
01:37:51.440 --> 01:37:57.600
know what you're doing. So, and you would do that like two, maybe three times a day, something like

1295
01:37:57.600 --> 01:38:04.880
that. But the whole point is to not do something and give it to God. Just not doing it and trading

1296
01:38:04.880 --> 01:38:11.280
it for another project that you're doing isn't going to work. You have to actually just, you have

1297
01:38:11.280 --> 01:38:15.600
to actually release it to the Lord. And instead of worrying about it, you're like, okay, God,

1298
01:38:16.160 --> 01:38:20.800
I can worry about it. You're going to take care of it. My life's going to be okay. Me not getting

1299
01:38:20.800 --> 01:38:25.120
this done right now, because otherwise I'd feel behind, but I'm going to try to choose that I'm

1300
01:38:25.120 --> 01:38:28.400
not behind. I'm going to choose that you're going to make up the time. I'm going to choose that

1301
01:38:28.400 --> 01:38:34.400
you're whatever. So that's something that I would recommend. And then there was one more thing I was

1302
01:38:34.400 --> 01:38:42.000
going to recommend. What was it? Oh yeah. This might be challenging for you because obviously

1303
01:38:42.000 --> 01:38:46.720
you've got kids, you've got responsibilities. If there is any time that you can give yourself,

1304
01:38:46.720 --> 01:38:54.240
like say for instance, a week, or if you can't do that, then I don't know, a certain time every day,

1305
01:38:54.240 --> 01:39:06.800
the point is the consistency is, and where, how do I put this? Where, oh man, I'm going to have to

1306
01:39:08.240 --> 01:39:18.080
think of how to describe this, but where you're freeing yourself up of obligations so that you can

1307
01:39:18.080 --> 01:39:28.240
actually allow yourself to enjoy, find enjoyment in you instead of just getting, instead of being

1308
01:39:28.240 --> 01:39:34.800
caught up in distractions at things that you have to do, and then you don't get to enjoy you while

1309
01:39:34.800 --> 01:39:42.160
doing nothing. Oh, and by you, I mean, I mean by doing nothing, I mean you could do something that

1310
01:39:42.160 --> 01:39:50.480
feels like a waste of time to you, that you like doing, that you feel is a waste of time. For me,

1311
01:39:50.480 --> 01:39:57.440
that's sewing. I love it, but I feel guilty doing it. I feel guilty doing the things that I love

1312
01:39:57.440 --> 01:40:00.000
the most, the things that I don't feel that I

1313
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:05.400
I can, that I can do things that I love until I've earned it by doing, by

1314
01:40:05.400 --> 01:40:10.680
spending the majority of my day doing things I don't want to do, that's the

1315
01:40:10.680 --> 01:40:14.800
emotional, mental and belief trap that I'm in, that I'm trying to get out of.

1316
01:40:15.480 --> 01:40:22.240
So, um, so anyway, that, uh, if you can do that and you like clear as much of

1317
01:40:22.240 --> 01:40:28.440
your schedule as you possibly can for, for a week and you know, when normally

1318
01:40:28.440 --> 01:40:31.960
you would go and be with this friend, normally you would go to this Bible

1319
01:40:31.960 --> 01:40:33.040
study and normally you do this.

1320
01:40:33.040 --> 01:40:37.600
If you could do that and then set aside those times to do, to just focus on,

1321
01:40:37.640 --> 01:40:40.560
you know, doing stuff that you consider a waste of time that you don't let

1322
01:40:40.560 --> 01:40:47.640
yourself do, then it, it again, breaks that cycle that you're not good enough,

1323
01:40:47.960 --> 01:40:51.480
that you're not enough for you, that you're not worthy, that you can't spend

1324
01:40:51.480 --> 01:40:56.120
time on you, that you can't be happy, you know, uh, and then, because it

1325
01:40:56.120 --> 01:40:57.640
forces you to actually do it.

1326
01:40:58.360 --> 01:41:01.080
So you, while you're doing it, you're going to love what you're doing.

1327
01:41:01.080 --> 01:41:02.160
And you choose that.

1328
01:41:02.160 --> 01:41:03.320
You love what you're doing.

1329
01:41:03.320 --> 01:41:06.120
You love yourself and you love the fact that you love doing this thing and

1330
01:41:06.120 --> 01:41:09.720
you're loving the whole process and the whole journey of it, and you

1331
01:41:09.720 --> 01:41:11.520
don't allow yourself to feel guilty.

1332
01:41:12.040 --> 01:41:16.000
If you feel guilty, you push it away, guilty, guilty, again, push that away.

1333
01:41:16.840 --> 01:41:19.840
Um, and you're like, no, because this is what God said.

1334
01:41:19.840 --> 01:41:21.280
So that's what I'm going to choose.

1335
01:41:21.360 --> 01:41:24.960
And it's, and it sounds, it's none of this stuff may sound simple, but the

1336
01:41:24.960 --> 01:41:29.800
problem is it it's so it's so it's very basic.

1337
01:41:29.800 --> 01:41:31.040
It's very foundational.

1338
01:41:31.080 --> 01:41:32.800
And that's where we're self-sabotaging.

1339
01:41:32.800 --> 01:41:37.360
We're self-sabotaging ourselves on stuff that manifests itself is very simple.

1340
01:41:37.520 --> 01:41:38.360
No big deal.

1341
01:41:38.720 --> 01:41:41.520
And God's like, that's the self-sabotage.

1342
01:41:41.960 --> 01:41:44.440
And so you will find it very hard.

1343
01:41:46.000 --> 01:41:48.400
It sounds easy, but you will find it very hard.

1344
01:41:48.920 --> 01:41:50.760
I should be at Bible study instead.

1345
01:41:51.400 --> 01:41:57.200
Or so-and-so, you know, was counting on me, or, I mean, you don't want to give

1346
01:41:57.200 --> 01:42:00.360
up something that you've like promised to do, but you know what I'm saying is

1347
01:42:00.520 --> 01:42:05.720
like, you feel like, oh, well, everyone else is going to help out so-and-so

1348
01:42:05.800 --> 01:42:09.240
who's having a hard time right now, or who is having a garage sale.

1349
01:42:09.440 --> 01:42:11.000
And normally I go help too.

1350
01:42:11.240 --> 01:42:12.560
Only this time you say no.

1351
01:42:12.560 --> 01:42:18.240
And instead of being busy and productive around the house as an exchange, as

1352
01:42:18.280 --> 01:42:24.640
penance or as of not doing the quote unquote good work, you're actually doing

1353
01:42:24.640 --> 01:42:29.320
something that you've, that you have always, that you love, that you consider

1354
01:42:29.320 --> 01:42:35.440
a waste of time that you don't allow yourself to do, like go sit and do nothing

1355
01:42:35.680 --> 01:42:40.160
or take a nap or for me, it's sewing or, you know, something like that.

1356
01:42:40.520 --> 01:42:44.720
And I know they sound simple, but here's another thing that I did want to mention.

1357
01:42:45.480 --> 01:42:46.480
The people.

1358
01:42:46.960 --> 01:42:49.360
Now, I don't know what it is that I've told you before, you know, about

1359
01:42:49.360 --> 01:42:50.440
what you should do or whatever.

1360
01:42:50.440 --> 01:42:54.520
I'm just telling you a general rule that the people that get the breakthrough

1361
01:42:54.520 --> 01:42:57.520
or the people that do the stuff that I tell them, you know, Hey, this will,

1362
01:42:57.560 --> 01:43:03.400
this help the people that don't get the breakthrough every single time are the

1363
01:43:03.400 --> 01:43:04.800
people that don't do what I tell them to do.

1364
01:43:05.600 --> 01:43:07.800
And, and I don't mean like I'm commanding someone to do it.

1365
01:43:07.840 --> 01:43:09.360
It's just like, I'm like, no, no, no.

1366
01:43:09.440 --> 01:43:10.360
Seriously.

1367
01:43:10.560 --> 01:43:11.840
This is the stuff that will help.

1368
01:43:11.880 --> 01:43:13.160
I don't give people busy work.

1369
01:43:13.200 --> 01:43:16.480
This is the serious stuff that helps me and that helps.

1370
01:43:16.640 --> 01:43:18.840
And, you know, and that helps other people that do it.

1371
01:43:19.480 --> 01:43:23.280
And I'm telling you what, I can tell a world of difference between the people

1372
01:43:23.280 --> 01:43:27.360
that do it and the people that don't carry did it, and I can name multiple

1373
01:43:27.360 --> 01:43:31.400
people in the rest intensive over the past three years that I mean, that

1374
01:43:31.440 --> 01:43:34.360
immediately I, you know, I feel their faces pop into my head.

1375
01:43:34.360 --> 01:43:38.200
I'm like that one, that one, they, they, in fact, there's this one lady who's

1376
01:43:38.200 --> 01:43:40.600
done the rest intensive at least three times.

1377
01:43:41.600 --> 01:43:43.840
And she hardly made any progress.

1378
01:43:44.240 --> 01:43:47.320
And she says that when she's not in the rest intensive, she doesn't do well.

1379
01:43:47.680 --> 01:43:51.560
I mean, meaning like in life and I'm like, and I haven't told her this yet,

1380
01:43:51.560 --> 01:43:54.440
but I'm like, it's because you're not doing what I've, what I've told you

1381
01:43:54.440 --> 01:43:56.840
works because she finds it too hard.

1382
01:43:56.840 --> 01:43:58.840
And trust me, the stuff that I told her is fun.

1383
01:43:59.360 --> 01:44:02.280
It's like, Hey, like she was having a hard time sleep going to sleep.

1384
01:44:02.560 --> 01:44:05.040
I was like, Hey, this is what you need to do for a bedtime routine.

1385
01:44:05.360 --> 01:44:06.760
That enjoy yourself.

1386
01:44:07.680 --> 01:44:08.600
What do you want to do?

1387
01:44:09.000 --> 01:44:12.720
Set aside time an hour before you go to bed, do nothing, but what you want to do.

1388
01:44:12.720 --> 01:44:14.960
You can sit and watch Netflix and you can have tea.

1389
01:44:15.240 --> 01:44:21.400
I said, do cozy things that, and while you brush your teeth, just enjoy the

1390
01:44:21.400 --> 01:44:22.600
fact that you're brushing your teeth.

1391
01:44:22.640 --> 01:44:23.520
Just brush your teeth.

1392
01:44:23.720 --> 01:44:25.640
Don't think about a problem you need to fix.

1393
01:44:25.640 --> 01:44:27.200
Don't think about what you need to do at work.

1394
01:44:27.200 --> 01:44:29.480
Don't think about what you're going to eat for breakfast, you know?

1395
01:44:29.480 --> 01:44:30.720
And, oh, I need to prepare that.

1396
01:44:30.920 --> 01:44:32.480
Don't do anything.

1397
01:44:32.640 --> 01:44:34.200
So it's just, it's all the fun stuff.

1398
01:44:34.520 --> 01:44:35.120
She can't do it.

1399
01:44:36.240 --> 01:44:37.840
People just can't do the fence.

1400
01:44:39.320 --> 01:44:41.600
But that's where it is that I promised.

1401
01:44:41.600 --> 01:44:44.520
That's how I got my breakthrough and that's how other people

1402
01:44:44.520 --> 01:44:45.560
have gotten their breakthrough.

1403
01:44:45.800 --> 01:44:49.840
So anyway, you can do, you can do whatever you want, but those are

1404
01:44:49.840 --> 01:44:54.360
some things that I'm telling you from personal experience work.

1405
01:44:55.520 --> 01:44:57.440
So anyway, you can do whatever you want.

1406
01:44:58.840 --> 01:44:59.880
So, and I know that you're.

1407
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:04.000
I'm busy with all the kids. You need to go, but I wanted to squeeze those two things in.

1408
01:45:04.000 --> 01:45:11.000
No, it's interesting because every time we go back to our counselor, he asks us if.

1409
01:45:11.000 --> 01:45:15.000
Well, how does he usually worded it? He usually says, what are you guys doing?

1410
01:45:15.000 --> 01:45:22.000
Well, he usually he says, what have you guys done to make sure Priscilla has me time?

1411
01:45:22.000 --> 01:45:24.000
And that was one of the things.

1412
01:45:24.000 --> 01:45:26.000
OK, did you want to tell Ashley something?

1413
01:45:26.000 --> 01:45:30.000
She really wants to tell you something.

1414
01:45:30.000 --> 01:45:31.000
Oops.

1415
01:45:31.000 --> 01:45:36.000
Here, put this in your ear.

1416
01:45:36.000 --> 01:45:39.000
Ashley. Yes.

1417
01:45:39.000 --> 01:45:43.000
You have my book that I gave you.

1418
01:45:43.000 --> 01:45:48.000
You remember, that's so sweet. Well, it's not my book. I didn't write it.

1419
01:45:48.000 --> 01:45:51.000
My friend did. Do you like it?

1420
01:45:51.000 --> 01:45:53.000
Yeah.

1421
01:45:53.000 --> 01:45:56.000
I wrote in it to you, didn't I?

1422
01:45:56.000 --> 01:45:58.000
Yeah.

1423
01:45:58.000 --> 01:46:01.000
Do you see where I wrote to you?

1424
01:46:01.000 --> 01:46:05.000
I don't remember what I said. Something about a happy birthday or something.

1425
01:46:05.000 --> 01:46:10.000
That was from Ashley. It says, happy birthday, Gwen. You are a treasure to your father.

1426
01:46:10.000 --> 01:46:16.000
Love and rest, Ashley.

1427
01:46:16.000 --> 01:46:20.000
That's so sweet that you remember.

1428
01:46:20.000 --> 01:46:26.000
So when we first started working with him, one of his requirements or not requirements,

1429
01:46:26.000 --> 01:46:35.000
but one of our homework things was that I was supposed to have four hours of uninterrupted time a week to just be.

1430
01:46:35.000 --> 01:46:38.000
And it was every Friday morning.

1431
01:46:38.000 --> 01:46:41.000
And Arnold would be home with the kids during that time.

1432
01:46:41.000 --> 01:46:46.000
And I locked myself in my room and I was just alone.

1433
01:46:46.000 --> 01:46:56.000
And I feel like that's the time when I probably, I feel like I felt the most healthy, if that makes sense.

1434
01:46:56.000 --> 01:46:58.000
Yeah.

1435
01:46:58.000 --> 01:47:02.000
And I know I've told him the same thing. I said, I just feel so guilty.

1436
01:47:02.000 --> 01:47:08.000
Like, I just feel like I don't, I don't hear of other moms having this outrageous amount of time alone.

1437
01:47:08.000 --> 01:47:13.000
And he's, he's funny because he's older. He's like in his seventies and he doesn't have any kids.

1438
01:47:13.000 --> 01:47:16.000
And so I feel like he looks at it.

1439
01:47:16.000 --> 01:47:24.000
Actually from a, like from a practical point of view, he's just like, how do you expect to not be overwhelmed when you're needed?

1440
01:47:24.000 --> 01:47:27.000
Literally 24 hours a day, every single day.

1441
01:47:27.000 --> 01:47:31.000
And, you know, moms are just like, oh, well, you know, they're, they're part of the martyrdom of motherhood.

1442
01:47:31.000 --> 01:47:33.000
They're just like, oh, well, that's just my life, you know?

1443
01:47:33.000 --> 01:47:34.000
Yeah.

1444
01:47:34.000 --> 01:47:39.000
And I've, I've always felt like I need to be that way. And I literally feel like I'm, I'm dying.

1445
01:47:40.000 --> 01:47:44.000
And okay. Well, right now, Ashley and I are talking.

1446
01:47:46.000 --> 01:47:50.000
You can show her in the background. You can show her in the background.

1447
01:47:50.000 --> 01:47:52.000
Like just kind of hold it up behind me.

1448
01:47:53.000 --> 01:47:54.000
Yeah.

1449
01:47:55.000 --> 01:47:58.000
I know, but now it's not a good time. Okay.

1450
01:47:59.000 --> 01:48:02.000
Maybe we can send her a picture of it. Okay.

1451
01:48:03.000 --> 01:48:10.000
But no, everything you said is like, I know that that's what I need to do.

1452
01:48:10.000 --> 01:48:19.000
And I find like, it's literally almost, I know it's not impossible, but it's like on that street for me to stop something that I'm doing.

1453
01:48:19.000 --> 01:48:20.000
Yeah.

1454
01:48:21.000 --> 01:48:44.000
And just stop like, and that's with anything, like even with out, even with conversations with other people are like, you know, if my family's around, like I literally, I can barely make myself hold still long enough to hear what they're saying, because I just can't, I just can't stop.

1455
01:48:45.000 --> 01:48:52.000
And it's not even that I feel like I work that hard. I just feel like I'm never resting, you know, or like I'm never at rest.

1456
01:48:53.000 --> 01:49:05.000
And I know that I tasted of it at one time. And I know Arnold tells me every time too, he's like, he doesn't know why I'm so afraid to like, let the ball drop, so to speak.

1457
01:49:05.000 --> 01:49:13.000
Because he's like, every time that I've been intentional about doing that, the Lord comes through for me in ways that I never imagined, you know?

1458
01:49:13.000 --> 01:49:22.000
And so yeah, no, all that to say, what you're saying is definitely right on. And I want to actually do it.

1459
01:49:22.000 --> 01:49:32.000
So it's writing a new record for yourself. And that's, that's my point. It's not the just doing of it so that you can have it. It's doing it in order to break the cycle.

1460
01:49:32.000 --> 01:49:39.000
It's, it's proving a different thing to yours. It's proving to yourself that a different truth is reality.

1461
01:49:39.000 --> 01:49:47.000
But if you never put yourself in that position, and then you just try to convince yourself, well, if I'm ever in that position, God will take care of me.

1462
01:49:47.000 --> 01:49:56.000
Well, then it's always, it's always theoretical. It's not ever, and so it doesn't ever change our true belief of reality.

1463
01:49:56.000 --> 01:50:00.000
We, God, that's why God takes us through experiences. He's like, hey, I'll tell you conceptually.

1464
01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:06.040
the truth that you but I'm gonna walk you through it now to prove to you that

1465
01:50:06.040 --> 01:50:10.320
it's true not so that you'll learn a lesson okay now let's see if you do a

1466
01:50:10.320 --> 01:50:15.680
good job here's the test I already told you about it here you go now you got to

1467
01:50:15.680 --> 01:50:19.640
do the hard thing you know and guys just like no no I'm showing you I'm putting

1468
01:50:19.640 --> 01:50:25.680
you in this this experience to prove to you that it's true it's not a test of

1469
01:50:25.680 --> 01:50:29.400
like are we going to do what's right and are we going to perform guys just like

1470
01:50:29.400 --> 01:50:34.520
no I'm giving you this experience so that you can actually I'm putting you in

1471
01:50:34.520 --> 01:50:38.840
this situation that's old situation that feels like on my word why I'm always

1472
01:50:38.840 --> 01:50:41.840
here why don't like what we talked about earlier why do I always feel stupid why

1473
01:50:41.840 --> 01:50:45.680
I'm always in these situations you know why I felt stupid yet again you know why

1474
01:50:45.680 --> 01:50:49.240
do they not want to talk to me why do this keeps happening you know it's my

1475
01:50:49.240 --> 01:50:52.440
point it's like you're put in a situation again where I keep happening

1476
01:50:52.440 --> 01:50:56.960
why does God keep putting me here God's like to preach to you proof through

1477
01:50:56.960 --> 01:51:02.680
experience that what I told you was true it so that we'll finally get to

1478
01:51:02.680 --> 01:51:06.520
experience it and that's the whole point is to do these things so it'll break a

1479
01:51:06.520 --> 01:51:12.200
cycle of belief in you so that you'll actually believe because you experienced

1480
01:51:12.200 --> 01:51:16.640
that you really are enough and part of that whole thing of like having four

1481
01:51:16.640 --> 01:51:20.800
hours to yourself and all that it's to allow you to connect with yourself again

1482
01:51:20.800 --> 01:51:25.560
because we feel like you said you feel like you're an outsider in your own life

1483
01:51:25.560 --> 01:51:30.520
like looking in and like you just feel just connected it allows you to

1484
01:51:30.520 --> 01:51:34.120
reconnect with yourself because otherwise when you're always focused on

1485
01:51:34.120 --> 01:51:38.200
other people like oh what are the kids need and oh I need to get supper started

1486
01:51:38.200 --> 01:51:42.040
and what does it all mean for me and oh my word my leaders need to hear from me

1487
01:51:42.040 --> 01:51:46.280
or I need to give them guidance or I probably should do another like

1488
01:51:46.280 --> 01:51:49.280
lemongrass lady of the month and you know I've got all this time I got to do

1489
01:51:49.280 --> 01:51:55.240
then you're never connecting with you you're just like a machine that executes

1490
01:51:55.240 --> 01:52:00.160
and so this you know you can't ever you don't remember who it is that you are

1491
01:52:00.160 --> 01:52:04.960
and you changed from who you used to be the last time you connected with

1492
01:52:04.960 --> 01:52:09.720
yourself you know we just really have to continually stay connected because we are

1493
01:52:09.720 --> 01:52:13.200
what everything needs remember what I always say your business needs you your

1494
01:52:13.200 --> 01:52:16.960
children need you well they can't you can't give you if you don't know who you

1495
01:52:16.960 --> 01:52:20.680
are if you're not connecting to yourself then you're not fully present you're

1496
01:52:20.680 --> 01:52:24.440
just a machine that's actually getting something done putting food on the table

1497
01:52:24.440 --> 01:52:29.360
that's making sure they get in the bed but you're not there you're just trying

1498
01:52:29.360 --> 01:52:32.840
to how can I make them happy how can I make them obey how can I make them know

1499
01:52:32.840 --> 01:52:37.600
what's right and wrong but you aren't there and so it allows you to having

1500
01:52:37.600 --> 01:52:42.120
those times allows you to stay more in kit more connected with you even when

1501
01:52:42.120 --> 01:52:45.320
you're not by yourself when you're with the kids when you're making supper when

1502
01:52:45.320 --> 01:52:49.800
you're making a decision about like lemongrass or whatever so but you have

1503
01:52:49.800 --> 01:52:55.440
to give yourself strategic place it and a strategic time in order to break that

1504
01:52:55.440 --> 01:52:59.080
cycle because otherwise you'll never break it doing all of doing all of this

1505
01:52:59.080 --> 01:53:03.080
stuff in the middle of doing this stuff it's pulling away breaking the cycle and

1506
01:53:03.080 --> 01:53:06.320
then now trying to implement as best as possible and the more that you do that

1507
01:53:06.320 --> 01:53:09.720
and whether you break this cycle the more that it will invade the rest of

1508
01:53:09.720 --> 01:53:14.480
your life you know so and anyway but I just wanted to point that out it's that

1509
01:53:14.480 --> 01:53:22.120
disconnect thing and the Lord told me and he gave my pastor a prophetic word

1510
01:53:22.120 --> 01:53:26.000
about me one time and my pastor said he rarely gets prophetic words this is

1511
01:53:26.000 --> 01:53:30.080
about 12 years ago and my pastor told me this from the front of the church he

1512
01:53:30.080 --> 01:53:32.840
said Ashley Wheeler because I was Wheeler back then you're way in the back

1513
01:53:32.840 --> 01:53:37.680
you know he said God gave me a word for you and he said I want you to take the

1514
01:53:37.680 --> 01:53:42.880
the verse that says I am fearfully and wonderfully made and he said I want you

1515
01:53:42.880 --> 01:53:47.880
to flip them and believe and live like I am wonderfully and fearfully made

1516
01:53:47.880 --> 01:53:52.760
meaning like you fully enjoy yourself and get to know you he said and then you

1517
01:53:52.760 --> 01:53:58.920
will know me if you know you you will know you will know God and so it's kind

1518
01:53:58.920 --> 01:54:03.640
of like know you that you might know that you might know God connect with you

1519
01:54:03.640 --> 01:54:08.680
and that'll connect you with God as weird as that sounds it's not selfish

1520
01:54:08.680 --> 01:54:14.800
it's not egotistical because God you're your son of God God is in you you are

1521
01:54:14.800 --> 01:54:18.120
one with Christ so getting to know who you are and who he created and how he

1522
01:54:18.120 --> 01:54:23.160
expressed himself by creating you in that you are an actual expression of him

1523
01:54:23.160 --> 01:54:30.240
you will then know him by knowing you so anyway those are just some thoughts yeah

1524
01:54:30.240 --> 01:54:36.480
yeah no that makes a lot of sense yeah well I know you've got all kinds of

1525
01:54:36.480 --> 01:54:41.920
things going on so I'll let you go but it was good to talk to you and I hope

1526
01:54:41.920 --> 01:54:47.200
that this was helpful I just highly recommend you do those things and if you

1527
01:54:47.200 --> 01:54:52.840
can and let me know how it goes and I'll continue to pray for you and I I

1528
01:54:52.840 --> 01:54:58.240
promised you that as hard as it felt to get breakthrough I promise you it's not

1529
01:54:58.240 --> 01:55:01.440
as hard as it's feeling

1530
01:55:00.000 --> 01:55:08.720
So all we're having to do is to figure out with the Lord, what is it that you were hearing

1531
01:55:09.600 --> 01:55:14.480
and how to get around what you're hearing, how to get around what you've been believing.

1532
01:55:14.480 --> 01:55:18.480
And that's why I like continue to talk to you and ask you, so what do you think about this?

1533
01:55:18.480 --> 01:55:24.640
And so how's things been over here and whatever to try to get a fuller picture of where you're,

1534
01:55:25.520 --> 01:55:28.800
basically what your language is, so I can start speaking your language.

1535
01:55:28.800 --> 01:55:32.240
That's what I do with everybody. I have to, that's why I like the individual time with people.

1536
01:55:32.240 --> 01:55:37.200
It's like, how are they hearing what I'm saying? How are they hearing these truths based on

1537
01:55:38.080 --> 01:55:44.400
how they grew up and whatever, and what they believe. So anyway, I'll let you go.

1538
01:55:47.840 --> 01:55:52.720
Thank you so much for spending this time with me and yeah, I feel like it was very helpful.

1539
01:55:52.720 --> 01:55:58.880
And yeah, I'm excited to see what the Lord does with it in the next few weeks.

1540
01:56:01.280 --> 01:56:07.360
Well, y'all have fun at VBS tonight. Here, let me take my AirPods out.

1541
01:56:11.440 --> 01:56:16.240
Okay, I think they can hear you now. Y'all have fun at VBS tonight.

1542
01:56:17.200 --> 01:56:24.240
It's not, I know, I love those, love stuffed animals. I still have mine.

1543
01:56:31.200 --> 01:56:37.360
You did? I love panda bears. And I got this from Elva.

1544
01:56:38.240 --> 01:56:44.080
Oh, that was a sweet gift. Well, y'all have fun tonight, the last night.

1545
01:56:44.080 --> 01:56:47.840
Okay. Thank you, Ashley. We'll see you. Bye.