WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.100 Sometimes it's looking in the mirror 2 00:00:02.100 --> 00:00:03.300 and asking the question 3 00:00:03.300 --> 00:00:04.200 what do I want? 4 00:00:04.200 --> 00:00:05.200 What do I want? 5 00:00:05.200 --> 00:00:06.500 What do I need in my life? 6 00:00:06.500 --> 00:00:08.800 And then turning that 7 00:00:08.800 --> 00:00:10.100 toward our spouse 8 00:00:10.100 --> 00:00:11.300 and loving them that way. 9 00:00:17.900 --> 00:00:18.800 So we've been talking about 10 00:00:18.800 --> 00:00:20.100 worrying for your marriage 11 00:00:20.100 --> 00:00:21.700 because it's the most 12 00:00:21.700 --> 00:00:23.400 fulfilling institution. 13 00:00:23.800 --> 00:00:26.000 It's the most exciting adventure 14 00:00:26.000 --> 00:00:27.900 in this life is being married 15 00:00:27.900 --> 00:00:28.900 to the right person 16 00:00:29.000 --> 00:00:30.200 at the right purpose 17 00:00:30.200 --> 00:00:31.500 with the right place 18 00:00:31.800 --> 00:00:33.300 going for it for Jesus 19 00:00:33.300 --> 00:00:34.500 seeking first the kingdom. 20 00:00:34.500 --> 00:00:35.300 And I said 21 00:00:35.800 --> 00:00:37.200 in my first episode 22 00:00:37.300 --> 00:00:39.200 that we're to put the first thing first 23 00:00:39.200 --> 00:00:41.800 and that is seek the kingdom of God 24 00:00:42.200 --> 00:00:42.700 first. 25 00:00:42.700 --> 00:00:43.300 Now listen, 26 00:00:43.300 --> 00:00:45.100 you can't do that for your spouse, 27 00:00:45.100 --> 00:00:46.900 but you can do that for yourself. 28 00:00:47.400 --> 00:00:49.000 So that for you men out there 29 00:00:49.000 --> 00:00:49.900 and for you women out there, 30 00:00:49.900 --> 00:00:50.800 this is for you. 31 00:00:51.200 --> 00:00:52.500 You seek the first king. 32 00:00:52.500 --> 00:00:54.800 You put the kingdom of God first. 33 00:00:54.900 --> 00:00:56.500 You put the first thing first 34 00:00:57.100 --> 00:00:59.300 before you judge point the finger 35 00:00:59.600 --> 00:01:01.400 or commiserate about 36 00:01:01.400 --> 00:01:02.900 how terrible your marriage is. 37 00:01:02.900 --> 00:01:04.200 Why don't you start seeking 38 00:01:04.200 --> 00:01:06.300 the kingdom first in your life 39 00:01:06.600 --> 00:01:08.200 because that's what Ephesians 5 18 40 00:01:08.200 --> 00:01:08.900 is talking about. 41 00:01:08.900 --> 00:01:10.100 Be filled with the Holy Spirit. 42 00:01:10.100 --> 00:01:11.100 So before 43 00:01:11.600 --> 00:01:13.100 Paul gets any 44 00:01:13.900 --> 00:01:15.900 aspects of marriage covered 45 00:01:15.900 --> 00:01:16.800 in Ephesians 5, 46 00:01:16.800 --> 00:01:18.300 he starts off with be 47 00:01:18.600 --> 00:01:20.100 filled with the Holy Spirit. 48 00:01:20.100 --> 00:01:21.100 If you're not being filled 49 00:01:21.100 --> 00:01:21.700 with the Holy Spirit, 50 00:01:21.700 --> 00:01:22.600 I can promise you 51 00:01:22.600 --> 00:01:23.900 it's really hard for your spouse 52 00:01:23.900 --> 00:01:25.000 to be filled with the Holy Spirit. 53 00:01:25.500 --> 00:01:27.200 If you're filled with the Holy Spirit, 54 00:01:27.200 --> 00:01:28.600 you're walking in grace, 55 00:01:28.600 --> 00:01:29.900 you're walking in love, 56 00:01:29.900 --> 00:01:31.600 you're walking in forgiveness. 57 00:01:31.900 --> 00:01:33.100 It's going to be really hard 58 00:01:33.100 --> 00:01:34.100 for him or her 59 00:01:34.100 --> 00:01:36.300 to be able to resist that 60 00:01:36.700 --> 00:01:37.600 because that is 61 00:01:37.700 --> 00:01:39.600 that's the homeland of the soul. 62 00:01:40.000 --> 00:01:41.100 The homeland of the soul 63 00:01:41.100 --> 00:01:42.200 is the kingdom of God. 64 00:01:42.600 --> 00:01:43.800 So it starts with you, 65 00:01:43.800 --> 00:01:45.200 you being one 66 00:01:45.200 --> 00:01:47.100 who's seeking first the kingdom of God. 67 00:01:47.100 --> 00:01:48.500 You can't make your spouse do it, 68 00:01:48.500 --> 00:01:49.500 but you can model it. 69 00:01:49.500 --> 00:01:50.900 In the second episode, 70 00:01:51.200 --> 00:01:53.400 I talked about entering your wife's world 71 00:01:53.400 --> 00:01:55.000 or entering your husband's world 72 00:01:55.000 --> 00:01:56.100 and being willing to die there. 73 00:01:56.100 --> 00:01:56.600 In other words, 74 00:01:56.600 --> 00:01:58.600 study your spouse, 75 00:01:58.800 --> 00:02:00.200 enter into their world, 76 00:02:00.600 --> 00:02:01.700 try to understand 77 00:02:01.700 --> 00:02:02.700 where they're coming from 78 00:02:02.700 --> 00:02:03.700 and love them there. 79 00:02:04.500 --> 00:02:05.500 And this is really hard. 80 00:02:05.500 --> 00:02:07.600 I mean, it's a really difficult area, 81 00:02:07.800 --> 00:02:08.600 but I'll tell you 82 00:02:08.900 --> 00:02:11.000 couples that do this thrive. 83 00:02:11.200 --> 00:02:13.100 They have so much success 84 00:02:13.100 --> 00:02:14.400 and so much effectiveness 85 00:02:14.400 --> 00:02:15.100 in their marriage 86 00:02:15.100 --> 00:02:16.100 because they're entering 87 00:02:16.100 --> 00:02:17.400 into their wife's world. 88 00:02:17.400 --> 00:02:19.100 They're entering into their husband's world 89 00:02:19.500 --> 00:02:20.700 and they're willing to die there. 90 00:02:20.700 --> 00:02:22.600 And as I said in that episode, 91 00:02:23.400 --> 00:02:24.800 I think probably we need to be 92 00:02:24.800 --> 00:02:26.300 passing out passports 93 00:02:26.300 --> 00:02:27.000 more than we need to be 94 00:02:27.000 --> 00:02:28.700 handing out marriage licenses 95 00:02:29.100 --> 00:02:31.800 because this is such a different culture 96 00:02:32.200 --> 00:02:34.300 to enter into our spouse's world. 97 00:02:35.000 --> 00:02:36.500 Then in my last episode, 98 00:02:36.500 --> 00:02:37.300 Action 3, 99 00:02:37.300 --> 00:02:38.900 I talked about growing together, 100 00:02:39.000 --> 00:02:40.900 the importance of coming together 101 00:02:40.900 --> 00:02:41.900 with the word, 102 00:02:42.500 --> 00:02:43.600 with prayer, 103 00:02:44.100 --> 00:02:45.400 with forgiveness, 104 00:02:45.400 --> 00:02:47.500 with love and starting each day 105 00:02:47.900 --> 00:02:49.100 by reading the Bible 106 00:02:49.200 --> 00:02:50.900 and ministering to each other 107 00:02:50.900 --> 00:02:51.900 through the word of God. 108 00:02:51.900 --> 00:02:54.200 And that's how we cleanse, 109 00:02:55.000 --> 00:02:55.900 nourish, 110 00:02:56.700 --> 00:02:58.100 and sanctify 111 00:02:58.600 --> 00:02:59.400 our spouse. 112 00:02:59.800 --> 00:03:01.200 Now we're in verse 28. 113 00:03:01.200 --> 00:03:03.000 So Ephesians 5, 28, 114 00:03:03.100 --> 00:03:04.400 again to husbands. 115 00:03:05.000 --> 00:03:07.600 So husbands ought to love their own wives 116 00:03:07.600 --> 00:03:09.700 as their own bodies. 117 00:03:10.500 --> 00:03:13.200 He who loves his wife loves himself 118 00:03:13.800 --> 00:03:16.200 for no one ever hated his own flesh, 119 00:03:16.700 --> 00:03:18.400 but nourishes and cherish it 120 00:03:18.400 --> 00:03:20.800 just as the Lord does the church. 121 00:03:21.100 --> 00:03:23.300 So action number four, 122 00:03:23.300 --> 00:03:24.700 serve your wife 123 00:03:25.200 --> 00:03:26.800 like you're serving yourself 124 00:03:27.300 --> 00:03:28.800 or serve your husband 125 00:03:29.200 --> 00:03:31.000 like you're serving yourself. 126 00:03:31.100 --> 00:03:32.500 I mean who out there 127 00:03:32.900 --> 00:03:34.100 when they're hungry 128 00:03:34.600 --> 00:03:37.100 doesn't feed their stomach. 129 00:03:37.600 --> 00:03:38.900 I mean you may look down right now 130 00:03:38.900 --> 00:03:40.200 and if you're over 45 131 00:03:40.200 --> 00:03:41.100 and you look down you go, 132 00:03:41.100 --> 00:03:41.600 whoa, 133 00:03:42.000 --> 00:03:43.500 I'm not sure I like the 134 00:03:44.200 --> 00:03:46.000 the direction of my belly 135 00:03:46.200 --> 00:03:47.500 and where it's going. 136 00:03:47.900 --> 00:03:49.400 But I can promise you this 137 00:03:49.700 --> 00:03:51.700 that when you're hungry you go out and eat 138 00:03:52.000 --> 00:03:52.600 and 139 00:03:53.300 --> 00:03:54.300 you get what you want. 140 00:03:54.300 --> 00:03:55.700 You get Mexican, 141 00:03:55.700 --> 00:03:57.100 you get Chinese, 142 00:03:57.100 --> 00:03:58.500 maybe you're into sushi, 143 00:03:58.900 --> 00:03:59.600 whatever. 144 00:03:59.800 --> 00:04:00.700 And he says 145 00:04:01.300 --> 00:04:03.900 so husbands ought to love their own wives 146 00:04:03.900 --> 00:04:06.300 as they love their own bodies 147 00:04:06.400 --> 00:04:09.300 and he who loves his wife loves himself. 148 00:04:09.600 --> 00:04:11.700 So what he's saying here is serve your wife. 149 00:04:11.900 --> 00:04:12.400 Men, 150 00:04:12.700 --> 00:04:14.800 God is saying serve your wife 151 00:04:14.800 --> 00:04:16.100 like you serve yourself. 152 00:04:16.600 --> 00:04:17.300 Ladies, 153 00:04:17.500 --> 00:04:19.300 I think this is true for you also. 154 00:04:19.899 --> 00:04:22.300 Serve your husbands like you serve yourself. 155 00:04:22.300 --> 00:04:24.900 So sometimes it's looking in the mirror 156 00:04:25.000 --> 00:04:26.100 and asking the question, 157 00:04:26.100 --> 00:04:27.000 what do I want? 158 00:04:27.100 --> 00:04:28.000 What do I want? 159 00:04:28.000 --> 00:04:29.300 What do I need in my life? 160 00:04:29.300 --> 00:04:31.400 And then turning that 161 00:04:31.700 --> 00:04:32.900 toward our spouse 162 00:04:32.900 --> 00:04:34.100 and loving them that way. 163 00:04:34.100 --> 00:04:34.400 I mean, 164 00:04:34.400 --> 00:04:36.000 let me tell you when I'm in the South 165 00:04:36.300 --> 00:04:37.900 and I get to go to the South a lot 166 00:04:37.900 --> 00:04:39.700 because part of my family's in the South 167 00:04:39.700 --> 00:04:41.300 and it seems like I've gotten 168 00:04:41.800 --> 00:04:44.200 a number of speaking engagements in the South 169 00:04:44.800 --> 00:04:46.500 and I'll tell you man when I go to the South 170 00:04:46.600 --> 00:04:48.200 I like to get shrimp and grits, 171 00:04:48.700 --> 00:04:49.700 collard greens, 172 00:04:50.200 --> 00:04:51.300 and fried chicken. 173 00:04:51.500 --> 00:04:52.500 That's what I dig. 174 00:04:52.800 --> 00:04:54.300 There's nothing quite like it. 175 00:04:54.700 --> 00:04:55.600 Well in the same way, 176 00:04:55.600 --> 00:04:56.600 that's me. 177 00:04:56.900 --> 00:04:58.800 That's me taking care of me 178 00:04:59.600 --> 00:05:00.100 but the body. 179 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:05.920 Abel is saying love your wife that way love your husband that way and think 180 00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:10.720 about what they want think about how to serve them so it has become a custom of 181 00:05:10.720 --> 00:05:18.080 mine to be in that kitchen a lot I help sometimes I cook the meals sometimes I 182 00:05:18.080 --> 00:05:23.840 stack and unstack the dishwasher sweeping the floors vacuuming I try to 183 00:05:23.840 --> 00:05:29.880 help as much as I can now Liz actually enjoys that stuff most of it and so she 184 00:05:29.880 --> 00:05:35.400 doesn't want me messing around with all that stuff most the time but sometimes 185 00:05:35.400 --> 00:05:40.200 she does but I serve her in other ways I know for Liz she loves that coffee in 186 00:05:40.200 --> 00:05:47.680 the morning she loves me to take to go on long walks with her she loves to go 187 00:05:47.680 --> 00:05:52.520 out to eat to the type of restaurants that we both like that are really 188 00:05:52.520 --> 00:05:56.520 healthy she likes me to go pick up stuff for her at the store so she doesn't have 189 00:05:56.520 --> 00:06:00.520 to go out on certain days and everybody's got to figure that out 190 00:06:00.520 --> 00:06:05.720 you've got to figure out what serving your spouse looks like what they 191 00:06:05.720 --> 00:06:10.920 appreciate the most this is how we cherish and nourish our wife because 192 00:06:10.920 --> 00:06:13.920 that's what the scriptures say so husbands ought to love their own wives 193 00:06:13.920 --> 00:06:18.880 as their own bodies he loves his wife loves himself and then it says for no 194 00:06:18.880 --> 00:06:23.320 one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it just as the 195 00:06:23.320 --> 00:06:29.560 Lord does a church so you're nourishing and cherishing your spouse by serving 196 00:06:29.560 --> 00:06:35.320 her by serving him and serving them there and again this is why coming 197 00:06:35.320 --> 00:06:40.280 together and growing together so important because sometimes the pendulum 198 00:06:40.280 --> 00:06:45.600 can swing where one is doing all the serving and the other ones doing all the 199 00:06:45.600 --> 00:06:51.000 receiving and that's not a good deal so I'm speaking to both spouses that you 200 00:06:51.000 --> 00:06:56.360 serve that other person like you're serving yourself and eventually it's 201 00:06:56.360 --> 00:07:00.840 going to get noticed eventually it's going to win the day plus it's just the 202 00:07:00.840 --> 00:07:06.880 right thing to do Jesus came as a servant leader more than a leader who is 203 00:07:06.880 --> 00:07:12.040 a servant he was a servant who became a leader and so we serve our spouses in 204 00:07:12.040 --> 00:07:16.400 ways that are meaningful to them so that's action number four and then 205 00:07:16.440 --> 00:07:23.160 action number five lastly in this series is verse 31 for this reason a man shall 206 00:07:23.160 --> 00:07:27.120 leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife the two shall become 207 00:07:27.120 --> 00:07:35.560 one flesh so action number five romance your spouse men romance your wife women 208 00:07:35.560 --> 00:07:42.240 romance your husband just as you loved and you had passion for each other in 209 00:07:42.240 --> 00:07:46.880 your dating life continue that stir that up and I can tell you that it's a 210 00:07:46.880 --> 00:07:54.320 stewardship that the intimacy part of the relationship is a stewardship based 211 00:07:54.320 --> 00:08:01.000 on serving based on loving based on forgiveness and communication so it's 212 00:08:01.000 --> 00:08:06.440 really it's really about the first four things I mean that's how we romance or 213 00:08:06.440 --> 00:08:10.680 keep romance in our relationship is by doing the first four things seeking 214 00:08:10.680 --> 00:08:15.120 first the kingdom ministering and loving each other together entering 215 00:08:15.120 --> 00:08:19.600 your spouse's world and loving them there and then serving the other person 216 00:08:19.600 --> 00:08:25.840 that's how we romance that person and if there's no intimacy in the relationship 217 00:08:25.840 --> 00:08:31.920 I in the counseling I've done it's usually one of those four areas that I 218 00:08:31.920 --> 00:08:37.960 just mentioned that's missing big time in that relationship so it's not so much 219 00:08:37.960 --> 00:08:43.720 that the intimate intimacy itself is the problem it could be I mean there 220 00:08:43.720 --> 00:08:47.800 could be something going on there physically but it's usually intimacy is 221 00:08:47.800 --> 00:08:56.640 related to a disconnect spiritually disconnect relationally a disconnect in 222 00:08:56.640 --> 00:09:00.960 forgiveness being willing to forgive the other person and and that comes by 223 00:09:00.960 --> 00:09:05.880 coming together so I would say this that if you want a romantic intimate 224 00:09:05.880 --> 00:09:12.600 relationship with your spouse do the first four action points better work on 225 00:09:12.600 --> 00:09:17.120 that and usually that takes care of itself I want to finish up by saying 226 00:09:17.120 --> 00:09:23.480 that the most magnificent institution that we have is marriage I wouldn't 227 00:09:23.480 --> 00:09:28.040 trade it for the world but it's a horrible place to be if you're not 228 00:09:28.040 --> 00:09:31.280 willing to grow together if you're not willing to serve that other person if 229 00:09:31.280 --> 00:09:35.120 you're not willing to enter that person's world your spouse's world and 230 00:09:35.120 --> 00:09:40.560 die there it's going to be terrible if you're not seeking the kingdom first in 231 00:09:40.560 --> 00:09:45.400 your marriage but it is fantastic if you do these five points now nobody's 232 00:09:45.400 --> 00:09:50.880 perfect in this and you could probably go zero to ten on a scale on each one of 233 00:09:50.880 --> 00:09:57.080 those points and some you're stronger at some you're weaker at but keep growing 234 00:09:57.080 --> 00:10:02.200 keep going after it I really believe 235 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:04.640 these five action points which are just straight from the Bible really do work. 236 00:10:04.640 --> 00:10:12.040 Now if you're single, you're not married yet, remember what I said because I think 237 00:10:12.040 --> 00:10:17.680 it can it can prove to be a boundary, it can prove to be a guide or maybe even a 238 00:10:17.680 --> 00:10:22.480 rule book for marriage for you to be thinking about as you consider someone. 239 00:10:22.480 --> 00:10:27.640 Because most people, quite frankly, most people want to be married. I mean it's 240 00:10:27.640 --> 00:10:34.440 a rare person who doesn't long to be married. So God placed that desire in her 241 00:10:34.440 --> 00:10:39.320 heart and I'm hoping that this teaching is helpful to you, that even as you 242 00:10:39.320 --> 00:10:44.720 consider your future, you consider a marriage partner, that you would look at 243 00:10:44.720 --> 00:10:49.640 these action points. And let me go over them again. The first one, seek first the 244 00:10:49.640 --> 00:10:53.080 kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you. So put the first 245 00:10:53.080 --> 00:10:58.040 thing first. So as a single person, you need to be doing that right now. Be 246 00:10:58.040 --> 00:11:01.640 working on that right now, making the kingdom first. If you want to marry a 247 00:11:01.640 --> 00:11:05.840 Christian guy, then be a Christian. If you want to marry a kingdom guy, then seek 248 00:11:05.840 --> 00:11:10.480 the kingdom. If you want to marry someone who's putting Jesus first, then you need 249 00:11:10.480 --> 00:11:15.080 to be putting Jesus first. That's the first point. Second, enter your wife's 250 00:11:15.080 --> 00:11:20.280 world or enter your husband's world and die there. In other words, it's 251 00:11:20.280 --> 00:11:27.560 crossing cultural boundaries of maleness and femaleness and background 252 00:11:27.560 --> 00:11:32.320 with your families. Some of you come out of divorce backgrounds, some of you don't. 253 00:11:32.320 --> 00:11:41.000 But it's being able to be otherly enough or selfless enough that you can 254 00:11:41.000 --> 00:11:46.720 enter into that other person's world and love them there. Thirdly, it's growing 255 00:11:46.720 --> 00:11:52.000 together. It's getting up in the morning, opening God's Word, praying, and spending 256 00:11:52.000 --> 00:11:57.680 time together. It does not matter how much time, but start somewhere and 257 00:11:57.680 --> 00:12:02.840 grow together. Action number four was serve the other person. Learn how to serve, 258 00:12:02.840 --> 00:12:07.240 learn how to love, learn how to say things and do things that are meaningful 259 00:12:07.240 --> 00:12:14.680 to your spouse. And then lastly, romance your spouse. Let the intimacy, the sexual 260 00:12:14.760 --> 00:12:21.960 intimacy, be a byproduct of those other things. And as we grow in those things, I 261 00:12:21.960 --> 00:12:26.760 really believe in most cases the intimacy takes care of itself. So I hope 262 00:12:26.760 --> 00:12:33.120 that's helpful to you. Keep dating your spouse, keep loving. If you realize you're 263 00:12:33.120 --> 00:12:38.280 in a big-time struggle, maybe get counseling. If you need to get some 264 00:12:38.280 --> 00:12:43.240 professional counseling, get that. Or some mentors. If you see a successful 265 00:12:43.240 --> 00:12:48.640 marriage, successful couple, seem to really be joyful in their marriage, go up 266 00:12:48.640 --> 00:12:53.400 to them. Ask them if you can take them to coffee. And then you go out as a couple 267 00:12:53.400 --> 00:13:00.080 with them, ask good questions, and begin to let that relationship be a guide in 268 00:13:00.080 --> 00:13:04.960 helping you. Nobody comes with all the stuff. Nobody comes with all the material. 269 00:13:04.960 --> 00:13:09.720 We're all just a bunch of messed up people. But we can be changed. We can be 270 00:13:09.720 --> 00:13:14.800 transformed if we want to be. So I hope this is helpful to you. God bless you. And I 271 00:13:14.800 --> 00:13:18.800 hope you have a successful, happy marriage. But war for it. You got to fight 272 00:13:18.800 --> 00:13:22.120 for it. It's worth it.