WEBVTT

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meeting is now streaming. All right, cool, cool, fam. Welcome to the adventure.

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Always a delight to be sharing this time together. We are looking forward to this

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time. It's always a good chat. This is part two in the Seven Sacred Pathways to Intimacy and

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on the Sensual and Sexual Pathways. So that is going to be a bit of fun.

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We will just kind of kick around a little bit, waiting for people to jump on here. But

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while we are waiting, let's just double check that everything's streaming like it should be.

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I'm pretty sure it is. And then we will, maybe we'll just get a few little teasers out of the

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book. Yep, sweet, that's happening. Cool. So if you haven't read the book yet, then the juicy

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chapter is the last one, right? That's where you're saving the best till last. Yeah, saving

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the best till last. That is where we talk about the sexual pathway, chapter 10. So we had a few,

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well, we had a part, oh, here we go. We had part one a couple of weeks ago. And then last week,

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we didn't have a session, but it's cool to be jumping on board here with people now. Who've

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we got jumping in here? Hones, someone's jumping in here. That's awesome. We looked at some stats

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on porn and a few other things. Honey's here. Okay. Owie, how are you doing there, bud?

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Can you hear me all right, Owen? Oh, yeah, we're just getting set up. How are you going?

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Good, good, good, good to see you there. So we talked a little bit about our honeymoon in the

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last one. And we talked about some porn stats. Let me do a quick recap on porn stats. This is pretty

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dynamic for you. And then as people jump on board, feel free to get chatty and ask questions.

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So interesting quote here from Theodore Roosevelt, which is comparison is the thief of joy.

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So we talked as well about how we had no sex for ages. I think at the longest time was probably

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like seven months for us. Lana doesn't count. I count all of that stuff nearly to the day.

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So it was probably over seven months or around about that in our worst time.

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I'm sure it was just the other day.

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Well, it was just the other day for lately. So we went through some of the interesting stuff

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that we went through was porn stats and sex stats and health stats.

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Porn in the church. Porn in the church stats. Porn in pastors stats. But before we jump into

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that, we're going to pray. Owen, seeing as you're in here, why don't you pray for us to

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kick the session off?

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Nice.

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Yeah, he can unmute though. He's just figuring it out.

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There you go.

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We're on mute.

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So I was doing the press briefing.

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Yeah, that's all good.

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Yeah, well, we just thank you, Father, for your blessings, Lord. We pray that you just speak to

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us, Lord, that your Holy Spirit would be with us and lead us into all truth. Father, we thank you

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for our marriages. We thank you that you want to bless them and you want them to fill them with joy

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and love. And Lord, I just pray that this time would be precious and that you would speak to

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us through our word and through the testimony in Jesus' name. Amen.

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Amen. Very cool.

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We're going to unmute because of our kids.

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Yeah, all good.

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Where did you do that?

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Sweet. So...

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uh last night because this is the sensual and the sexual it's not just the sexual but last night it

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was a good night usually thursday night um lana gets a massage so a nice oil massage for lana last

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night which was great um and then i i tried my moves on it real pretty intense no i didn't really

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i usually just let her go to sleep because that's her favorite and um one of the things that we've

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been looking at in the intellectual pathway is just really about understanding what everyone

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wants sonia good to see there you got your camera working well done

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yeah she's a good donor through my phone oh yep good move cunning move so um

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with the intellectual pathway one of the things we've talked about a bunch is just

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learning it's so much of this journey into intimacy is learning about what everyone wants

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uh you know a big big focus for us has been learning how to get you know create a marriage

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where both people get exactly what they want when they want it and how they like it uh which if you

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want to create that type of marriage then it requires lots and lots of good information

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so um so one of the things that alana and i know is that uh if it's a night kind of dedicated to

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alana that she loves a good oil massage followed by going straight to sleep

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and uh and she got it she got what she wanted when she wanted it and how she liked it last night

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but it took a while to get there didn't it benjamin uh yeah what about eight years

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about eight years something like that eight years of struggle pain of me getting a massage

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and you trying it oh yeah well in the past i used to give you a message so i could get sex

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yeah that was why i was giving you a message in the past it was actually just but that was because

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i was so desperate because i never really got sick so i was like man i've got to try something

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that might work um but now uh you take care of me a whole lot better so it's way easier just to

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give you messages and then not be desperate and horny um so uh let's just jump back in here and

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check out a few stats again just recap some of these stats because um so seven common sex issues

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in marriage who wants to hear seven common sex issues in marriage the crowd goes wild niece i

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can see niece is pumped for it yeah niece is pumped okay let me give you so number one is affairs

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that's like that's probably one of the biggest sex issues in marriage is affairs

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um then the next on the list is porn it's just um is porn so your porn is probably one of the

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second biggest um issues in the in the sexual area in marriages so here's one of the stats is

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57 percent of pastors in the states said that porn addictions were the most damaging issue in

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their church and 69 percent of pastors said that porn had had a negative impact on their church

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and here's interesting dynamics well only seven percent of pastors said that their church provides

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any type of support to people who are struggling with porn and just like this crazy kind of stat

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right that 57 percent of churches porn is the single most damaging issue in their church

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but only seven percent of churches provide any type of support to that so just remember that

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those stats they're really interesting 57 percent and seven percent so there's only seven percent of

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churches doing something um that leaves 50 percent of churches where porn is the single biggest issue

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in their church yet they aren't doing anything about it and here's some more like christian

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church stats so 68 percent of men who attend church regularly and more than 50 percent of

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pastors admitted to observing porn on a regular and consistent basis so 68 percent of american

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church going men said that they had a consistent ongoing uh engagement with porn and over 50 of

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the pastors um 70 percent 76 percent of young christian adults between 18 and 24 said they

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searched and watched searched for and watched porn on a consistent basis 76 percent of the young

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people and so according to the study over 50 percent of american pastors are struggling with

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porn themselves so if you think of why there's 57 percent of churches say that porn is the most

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damaging thing in their church and then only seven percent are doing something about it why is it

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but it's because that 50 that aren't doing anything about it's because the past is hooked on porn too

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and so he actually can't do anything about the single biggest issue in their church because

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he's

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struggling or she's struggling.

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The pastor's struggling with porn themselves,

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so they can't really help.

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So they might be doing marriage courses

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and relationship courses and stuff,

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but this is undermining all of that.

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Yeah, absolutely.

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Underlying porn issues,

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it's gonna mess with the whole atmosphere of the church.

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55% of married men and 25% of married women

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admitted to watching porn at least on a monthly basis.

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So 55% of married men and 25% of married women

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admitted to watching porn on at least a monthly basis.

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And then 47% of American families acknowledged

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that porn is a consistent problem in their household.

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And 56% of American divorces record one spouse

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as having an obsessive interest in porn sites.

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So if you think about it with marriage stats

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being at about 50% and 56% of those marriages

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being divorce, sorry, 56% of those divorces

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being based on obsession with porn,

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that would mean that you've got at least around 25%

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of marriages in the States

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where porn obsession is a big deal.

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So that's pretty high stats.

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Any thoughts on that, team?

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You wanna add anything in there?

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Yes, those are quite alarming statistics,

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particularly when there are people

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who are struggling emotionally

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to actually just live in this world.

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And part of the church's role is to actually empower people

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through the word of God and through fellowship to overcome.

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Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.

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Oh, were you gonna say something there?

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No, I was just thinking about that.

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If that's the stats in the church,

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then no wonder the divorce rate in the church

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is just as bad as people that are not in the church.

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So it makes sense.

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Yeah, it's pretty intense, eh?

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So that was the top two reasons

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for sex issues in marriage.

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Sex issues in marriage, so affairs and then porn.

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And then the next one is a low sex drive.

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So if you haven't read the book,

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you can check this out in the book,

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but low sex drive

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and or just not being in the mood for sex,

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which was us for ages, eh?

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No, it was me.

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Oh yeah, that's right, it was you.

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Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

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Oh, that was all you.

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So I actually, I bought a book.

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I bought a book called

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How to Turn Your Wife into a Nymphomaniac

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by a guy named Carl Zorro.

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Now, so you gotta be careful

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if you ever look up that book,

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if you're a guy like me, who was like,

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man, how do I get more sex?

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So this is a Christian book.

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It's a Christian book by a Christian author,

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but it's not to be mistaken by another book

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that's really similar to this book.

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It's got a similar title,

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which says How to Turn Your Wife

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into a Raving Nymphomaniac.

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Okay, so there's one book that's called

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How to Turn Your Wife into a Nymphomaniac.

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That's a Christian book,

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but just avoid the How to Turn Your Wife

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into a Raving Nymphomaniac

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because that is not a Christian book at all.

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And if you search for that one,

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you'll get all sorts of porn on your screen.

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Like I was looking for,

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I didn't even know that second book existed,

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but when I was looking for the other one,

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it popped up and I thought, oh yeah, I've got it.

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It was like a nude woman on the front.

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I was like, oh, that's the wrong thing right there.

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It was like moving right along.

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But there's some really good things in that book.

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Actually, it was, he used the title Draw People In,

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who were in marriages where there was kind of

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sexist marriages or struggling or they wanted more.

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And I actually had a friend who,

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he went about, I think he said over 30 years

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in his marriage without sex.

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How's that?

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Over 30 years without sex in their marriage.

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So here's 10 things that can reduce someone's sex drive.

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So unsafe atmospheres.

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That was us a ton.

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Do you want to describe that cycle a little bit?

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I know we've covered it a bit already.

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That I didn't want it and you did.

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And that leads to you manipulating me

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and me wanting it even less

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and you wanting it even more in a downward spiral.

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Yeah, and I'd use emotions to punish Alana

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and I'd sulk and I'd pout

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and I'd create a really unsafe atmosphere.

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I was punishing Alana.

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So that's.

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And then you would try and like,

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bless me with something with the ulterior motive.

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of to get sex. Yeah, it didn't work. So we got so here's here's some of the here's the 10 things

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that can reduce someone's sex drive. Okay, so first one is unsafe atmospheres. Second one is

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narcissism. So one of the challenges with narcissism and we should be like, with narcissism,

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it's like a spectrum as well, right? So you can someone can be like a low level struggle with

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narcissism versus all the way through to like a pathological narcissist and like extreme. So

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there's a whole journey there. But the problem with it is that narcissism is basically blindness,

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so you wouldn't know if you've got it. So that was really challenging. So for me, that was like,

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years and years and years of struggling with that. But the only reason that I kind of really

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came to understand that I had that issue is because the pain never went away. So with narcissism,

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here's what it does is it enables you to become your own worst enemy and blame everyone else for

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your problems. So that's exactly how I lived in our marriage for probably seven, probably about

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seven or so years, I was the catalyst of all that chaos. But I was blind to it. So I blamed Alana

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for everything that was going wrong. And I was open and saying, yeah, I need help. There's stuff

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going on that is making me not want to have sex with you. Yeah. So get into our space a little bit

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more. I thought that the problem in our marriage was Alana had issues and those issues led to her

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having a low sex drive. And that caused all of our other problems. Because the narcissist dynamic,

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and I'm not saying I was a pathological narcissist, but I'm saying it's a spectrum.

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And this enabled me to be creating all these problems in our marriage. And it's like, you know,

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having a log in my own eye. I had a log, but I was trying to pull the splinter out of Alana's eye.

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I was like, oh, like all of our problems. So when I was praying or anything, I was doing like that,

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the problem was never me. The problem was like, we've got to fix Alana.

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But the thing is that they went on for years and years and years and years and nothing got fixed.

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And we talked to everyone we knew to talk to, to pray for us, counsel us, everything like that.

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Yeah. And the thing that got to me the most is the pain never went away.

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So because the pain never went away, I was like, I eventually realized that

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maybe I actually, the pain got, here's what actually happened. The pain got so intense,

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and I got so desperate that I finally asked a question that I'd never thought to ask after

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all this time, which was, you know, am I contributing to the chaos in our marriage in

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some way? And it just never crossed my mind. I was so convinced that Alana was the issue,

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that I'd never really genuinely asked, like, what am I doing to create chaos in our marriage?

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And once I asked that question, my eyes opened and I realized I had been creating chaos everywhere

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in our marriage. And then when I took ownership for my bad attitudes, when I took ownership for

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my sulking, when I took ownership for punishing Alana for not giving me sex, when I took ownership

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for all of my junk, all of a sudden, our marriage started just changing rapidly,

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and Alana basically didn't have to change anything.

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But what happened when I changed all my unsafe atmospheres and attitudes and all of those things

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and started taking care of Alana, what then started happening is that it became,

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our marriage started becoming safe, and then the sex started taking care of itself.

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And actually, you know, that was the key really to changing the whole thing,

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was me just taking extreme ownership for my mess. So that's number three on the list of

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reasons why people have low sex drive. Number four is stress. I think you can kind of guess

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that self-explanatory emotional connection. Babe, I know that when we are emotionally connected,

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you're much more interested in sex. Anything to say on that one?

245
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Not really, other than previously that sort of manipulation and control

246
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made emotional connection impossible because I wasn't safe.

247
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Yeah, sweet. Okay, guys, thoughts on that? Like feedback?

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to say. Happy time, a big thumbs up. Any questions, feedback, thoughts on that?

249
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Stories, testimonies? Anyone here been 30 years without sex in their marriage?

250
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Owen, that was Owen responding. Yep, it's been 30 years. Or is he going to leave?

251
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Can I talk about the narcissism thing?

252
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Yeah, yeah, do it.

253
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Yeah, I would say that it's a disorder. It's a disordered mind that tries to fix itself.

254
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It's a spiritual disorder too, it has to be because of the way we're made.

255
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Well, I don't know that we need to use the word disorder, but I would say it's dysfunction.

256
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It's dysfunction? I agree with you.

257
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Yeah, dysfunction as opposed, it's not something that needs to be clinically diagnosed as though

258
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it's a biological condition.

259
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No, it's not really. No, it's a chosen thing. It's what we choose.

260
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Well, it is something that if you make a little decision one day to be selfish,

261
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the next day it's easier.

262
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That's right, true.

263
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And then if you keep choosing that, it keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

264
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It's a bit like addictive behavior. And related to pornography,

265
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like narcissism and pornography can go together sometimes.

266
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Yeah. What would I say about it?

267
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Don't have to say it just now.

268
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Yeah, I'm with you, but narcissism just becomes your whole mindset,

269
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your whole outlook, your whole worldview.

270
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Yeah, it's habitual.

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You see, and it gives you the ability to see all the problems,

272
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even if you're causing them all, but still blame everyone else.

273
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It's what Jesus was saying when Jesus said,

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if the light within you is darkness, then how great is that darkness?

275
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Right.

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So if the light within you, right, if what you believe to be true is actually a lie,

277
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then how great is that darkness?

278
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That's like a narcissistic mindset.

279
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The truth that you believe is actually a lie, but you believe it's the truth.

280
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So you hold on to it real strong, and it causes massive cycles of chaos.

281
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And you see it play out in relationships over and over,

282
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and people just creating all this chaos and never taking any ownership for their mess.

283
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Okay. So instead of facing up to it and talking to someone and saying,

284
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I'm angry about something specific in this particular way,

285
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the context of my life becomes hidden?

286
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Well, I think that part of the thing for me with this journey was,

287
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I couldn't even tell I had a problem.

288
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Right.

289
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You know, so I couldn't see that I was the one with the problem.

290
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But there was obviously a problem, right?

291
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We had the evidence that there was a problem.

292
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And in some ways, I was taking ownership for where I knew that I had problems.

293
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And so it was easy for Benji to be like, well, you've got a problem.

294
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You're admitting you've got a problem.

295
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So obviously, the problem is you, rather than him being like,

296
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well, maybe I'm actually contributing to this as well.

297
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And it took a lot of pain for him to realize that maybe he was contributing to

298
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which that blindness on his part is narcissistic.

299
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Right.

300
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So the narcissistic process has to involve another person or persons.

301
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No, I mean, you can be blind on your own,

302
00:24:12.080 --> 00:24:15.200
but it's when it really starts showing up, though, right?

303
00:24:15.200 --> 00:24:17.680
Yeah, it usually expresses itself relationally.

304
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Because it usually expresses itself relationally.

305
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Usually, yeah.

306
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So.

307
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Owie, what were you going to say?

308
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Jump in there, bud.

309
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Yeah, there's now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.

310
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Sorry, I'm the wrong person.

311
00:24:40.560 --> 00:24:41.840
Oh, no, you're right.

312
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You're right.

313
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Yeah, so I was just thinking it's more of like a lens.

314
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Like, and I think the real problem with it is it leads to a lot of resentment

315
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and bitterness and like unforgiveness.

316
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:07.040
i think i definitely know that's where um things start to break down relationally

317
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because you pull your curtain mate it's like your eyes gonna burn up

318
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um yeah that's what i was thinking about it too because it's just that um

319
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it's just the unforgiveness and bitterness so they just eat they're just poison and then um

320
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there's resentment in your life then you begin to be deceived about your other person you

321
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actually begin to see um your spouse in a different you actually you project that onto

322
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them even um you actually start to see them that way and you just basically the bible says you've

323
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been deceived you know um as far as going to sleep um with anger says that you'll wake up

324
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deceived um that scripture so yeah that's what i think about it yeah and no amount of

325
00:25:56.480 --> 00:26:03.840
good communication or um sort of like good sense or anything like that you know on my part

326
00:26:04.880 --> 00:26:12.560
could convince him that he had anything wrong or that he might have something to contribute

327
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and so i mean i was saying the same things to him over and over and over and over but it never

328
00:26:17.520 --> 00:26:25.120
clipped so years for years that it never actually clicked to him or hang on i might have an issue

329
00:26:25.120 --> 00:26:31.040
it's like well i've got an issue you've got an issue to me and so because you've got that issue

330
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you're viewing me in that way and so when he finally realized he might have a problem

331
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all of a sudden all the things i'm saying nothing changed but it was like oh actually

332
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you're right in a way like what you're saying was true and so i was giving him good information the

333
00:26:46.880 --> 00:26:53.280
whole time he just couldn't hear it yeah um but you're being on it and it being a lens right

334
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because the moment that narcissistic lens comes off all of a sudden you can see it's like oh sweet

335
00:26:59.600 --> 00:27:06.400
i can see oh wow and and i think that's one of the big indicators that you'll be able to tell is

336
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your level of ownership like how much ownership do you take for your behavior

337
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that is a big tell like if you can take extreme ownership then you've really broken

338
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that narcissistic mindset but if you can't take ownership for your behavior that is evidence of

339
00:27:24.480 --> 00:27:27.920
a blind spot that you just can't see the damage that you're doing

340
00:27:31.600 --> 00:27:37.920
yeah all right what's next on the list next on the list we had stress we had emotional connection

341
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or parenting pressure that was definitely a big one for me parenting pressure we had three little

342
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kids um lana's breastfeeding day and night and um a lot of times like just don't touch me yeah

343
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totally touched out um which did nothing uh did nothing for our sex life for quite a long time

344
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and you're tired and yeah all my resources were used up there's none left for you yeah and that

345
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flows as well into hormones because um like that's the next one on the list is hormones so

346
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you can kind of get um yeah all over the place so there's so

347
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uh parenting pressure the answer for parenting pressure is don't have babies

348
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but if you've had babies then it's hard to um it's it's hard to turn back um turn back the clock so

349
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if you've had babies oh here we go we've got a few people um i hate it since almost the whole

350
00:28:46.160 --> 00:28:52.480
while i was married yeah yeah i hated it too for a long time did everything i could to avoid it um

351
00:28:52.480 --> 00:28:58.320
oh i just some of the excuses were so funny but i just want to go to bed for hours i know

352
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and i knew he was up there waiting for me i was exhausted and i was exhausted i just didn't want

353
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to go to bed because i knew we'd have that conversation now for you beautiful people

354
00:29:11.680 --> 00:29:17.920
um watching on facebook why don't you jump into um the zoom room and join us in here in the zoom

355
00:29:17.920 --> 00:29:24.240
room as well come and come and join the party in here so um parenting pressure is a big one

356
00:29:24.240 --> 00:29:28.480
i think sometimes that's something you just kind of had to write out you know yeah some of it was

357
00:29:28.480 --> 00:29:34.320
writing it out but i think also some of it was um actually understanding that i needed space

358
00:29:34.960 --> 00:29:40.320
and how and actually been able to create that space and making that a priority and we did go

359
00:29:40.320 --> 00:29:45.680
through times where i would get that space but it was always the first thing to disappear as soon as

360
00:29:45.760 --> 00:29:52.320
there was any other extra pressure like you teaching or or those types of things my space

361
00:29:52.320 --> 00:29:58.960
was always the first to disappear um so i mean we we tried we just didn't we just couldn't keep it

362
00:29:58.960 --> 00:29:59.840
up yes this isn't me

363
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:03.680
yeah there was a lot of there was a lot of pressure on there and i dropped the ball on that

364
00:30:03.680 --> 00:30:11.200
one quite a bit it's also you know like just in that time when we had little kids um we had so

365
00:30:11.200 --> 00:30:16.480
much going on there was just so much busyness and intensity on all fronts and finances were a big

366
00:30:17.040 --> 00:30:22.720
thing as well and all contributed in here just to create a huge amount of pressure depression and

367
00:30:22.720 --> 00:30:26.400
yeah so that was a big thing for us as well like with the parenting pressure

368
00:30:27.360 --> 00:30:32.400
that you know atlanta did actually get we wouldn't we didn't realize it at the time but in hindsight

369
00:30:32.400 --> 00:30:37.760
you can say oh look there's all the symptoms right there of post-natal depression so we didn't

370
00:30:37.760 --> 00:30:43.200
realize that's even we were even dealing with it um but that's what we're going through so the

371
00:30:43.200 --> 00:30:49.200
parenting pressure was a big one then hormones um low testosterone in men and hormone imbalances

372
00:30:49.200 --> 00:30:57.440
in women can cause a low sex drive um but i think that um a lot of doctors say that the main reason

373
00:30:57.440 --> 00:31:06.000
main fix for this is just go and eat a pie oh no it's not a good pie no it's not it's not a pie

374
00:31:06.000 --> 00:31:12.320
um but a balanced diet you know exercise good sleep reduce sugar avoiding you know inflammatory

375
00:31:12.320 --> 00:31:19.840
foods that you know can mess with hormone production um can all help um but it would be

376
00:31:19.840 --> 00:31:24.640
good sometimes it'd be good if the answer was just to go and eat a pie but um that's not usually what

377
00:31:25.520 --> 00:31:32.480
yeah um and then but if so that's for ladies you know like ladies can work on that hormone balance

378
00:31:32.480 --> 00:31:39.360
often through diet and exercise and sleep uh but for a man it's really hard to deal with low

379
00:31:39.360 --> 00:31:44.880
testosterone so if a dude has a low sex drive and it's based on hormone then uh dude really

380
00:31:44.880 --> 00:31:52.400
usually needs to go and see a doctor and see what they can do with that so next up here's a question

381
00:31:52.400 --> 00:32:02.800
for anthony oh you're on the spot anthony oh this one um is uh the next one on the list for

382
00:32:03.520 --> 00:32:06.080
sex issues and marriages bored with your sex life

383
00:32:08.720 --> 00:32:15.520
um is that yeah well you know you or not yeah i've got a yeah you don't overcome that by

384
00:32:15.520 --> 00:32:22.880
introducing all kinds of uh fruity stuff and um you know yeah it's about the emotional connection

385
00:32:23.840 --> 00:32:30.240
basically if you haven't got the good emotional connection then nothing will make up for

386
00:32:30.480 --> 00:32:38.880
uh the loss yeah of a good sex life yeah yeah so it's not about it's not about having all the moves

387
00:32:38.880 --> 00:32:47.840
and you know gymnastics and all that sort of thing and it's not and that creates an expectation and a

388
00:32:47.840 --> 00:32:54.720
performance anxiety the real thing is in our heart it's our heart connection with our partner

389
00:32:55.680 --> 00:33:01.680
yeah very cool very cool so bored with your sex life that's the next one um

390
00:33:03.680 --> 00:33:04.160
what was that

391
00:33:06.080 --> 00:33:11.200
so i'm gonna go through the book i'm going for a walk are you going for a walk now yeah i'm getting

392
00:33:11.200 --> 00:33:17.520
a bit bored i'm getting bored talking about sex i want to do it

393
00:33:17.920 --> 00:33:27.360
okay the camera switches off for a little bit switch me off quick

394
00:33:30.880 --> 00:33:37.760
welcome um so uh here's so just this is like um from sex therapists and things like that this is

395
00:33:37.760 --> 00:33:44.560
all in the book but um here's a few tips from sex therapists if you were um bored of your sex life

396
00:33:44.560 --> 00:33:50.000
one is make a weekly sex date so spontaneous sex doesn't always happen so schedule some

397
00:33:50.720 --> 00:33:56.000
um when we got advised by counsellors to start scheduling sex because when we talked to a

398
00:33:56.000 --> 00:34:00.560
counsellor and he's like right a big part of the problem here for you guys is you're not having sex

399
00:34:01.360 --> 00:34:06.480
um so he said you should schedule sex and that's um like scheduled sex for us

400
00:34:07.200 --> 00:34:16.080
i was like that does not work scheduled sex for us was so bad oh um well any sex for me is good but

401
00:34:18.400 --> 00:34:23.920
what we did is initially like we sat down with david out and he's like right here's your problems

402
00:34:23.920 --> 00:34:27.679
you guys have got problems alana's not getting sensual touch you're not getting sexual touch

403
00:34:27.679 --> 00:34:33.199
so sort yourselves out and you two should be having sex and you should be giving your messages and

404
00:34:33.280 --> 00:34:40.159
non-sexual touch as well at least once or twice a week yeah so we um we came up with a schedule

405
00:34:40.159 --> 00:34:47.440
which was two sex nights a week and alana was happy with one massage a week so you've got

406
00:34:47.440 --> 00:34:51.600
you've got to negotiate it like what is it what does work what works for you so we for us it was

407
00:34:51.600 --> 00:34:58.000
like twice a week and um and once a week for a message was what alana was happy with and that's

408
00:34:58.000 --> 00:34:59.840
why i negotiated and um

409
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:07.840
then it just went real bad because it was a title fake agreement because when we were

410
00:35:07.840 --> 00:35:11.920
with the council we were like yeah we will do that and then Alana would not put it out

411
00:35:15.520 --> 00:35:21.680
and so we both just we weren't feeling connected i was feeling super like even more obligated

412
00:35:22.240 --> 00:35:26.480
to do it and like as soon as someone's like you have to do this i'm like no

413
00:35:30.080 --> 00:35:33.440
and then he was like well you agreed to this so therefore you have to

414
00:35:34.080 --> 00:35:39.520
and like it just made everything worse to be honest yes it made everything worse and not

415
00:35:39.520 --> 00:35:44.640
for like a little bit it was like nearly a year so we had one meet one session with dave riddell

416
00:35:44.640 --> 00:35:51.840
and we set these agreements in place and then we basically spent the next year lying to each

417
00:35:51.840 --> 00:35:56.880
other with fake agreements and arguing and i'd be like yeah it's a sex night so i'd be waiting in

418
00:35:56.880 --> 00:36:01.680
bed and alana would and i'd have to get up early in the morning so i'm kind of like oh man she's

419
00:36:01.680 --> 00:36:07.360
mucking around taking her a long time to get to bed and then she'd eventually come to bed and

420
00:36:07.360 --> 00:36:13.040
it was way too late already and then all we'd get was an argument that same conversation same

421
00:36:13.040 --> 00:36:19.120
conversation which we had thousands of times and that would just like ah it was way too late we're

422
00:36:19.120 --> 00:36:24.160
both exhausted and i'm punishing her and when i'm desperate and i'm getting nothing and i'm like i

423
00:36:24.160 --> 00:36:30.400
can't believe it it's sex night and all you're giving me is attitude it was like oh no that's

424
00:36:30.400 --> 00:36:33.920
all i was getting and then he would give me a massage and be like i've given you a massage now

425
00:36:33.920 --> 00:36:43.600
we can have sex um but the massage nights i wasn't supposed to so sometimes i'd try my moves

426
00:36:43.600 --> 00:36:52.320
when i wasn't supposed to so that was a fail um but then it was like it was after a year of that

427
00:36:52.320 --> 00:36:57.040
basically sucking that i also started was towards the end of that year that i started figuring out

428
00:36:57.840 --> 00:37:03.600
that i had my problem uh figured out that i was the problem that i had a problem basically that

429
00:37:03.600 --> 00:37:08.800
i was the problem in our marriage and so then i actually we kind of had another

430
00:37:10.400 --> 00:37:18.080
we had another meeting with david and we kind of recalibrated with the sex nights and i was

431
00:37:18.080 --> 00:37:23.600
actually i said to like so we had to renegotiate and i was actually like two nights a week actually

432
00:37:23.600 --> 00:37:32.560
sucks for me i was like i can we do three nights a week and we actually so by the time we got to

433
00:37:32.560 --> 00:37:39.360
this renegotiation point towards the end of that year of failing i'd started taking ownership for

434
00:37:39.360 --> 00:37:46.800
stuff for myself and we were making some big changes but we still needed to have another session

435
00:37:47.520 --> 00:37:50.960
with the counsellor so we had another session with david and that was actually

436
00:37:50.960 --> 00:37:55.120
really good we started i remember that session i just remember the first one i hated it the whole

437
00:37:55.120 --> 00:38:00.080
way the first one i think was your birthday and you cried for about two hours

438
00:38:02.320 --> 00:38:08.000
um but so the second one by that time we actually made a lot of progress and i was starting to take

439
00:38:08.000 --> 00:38:12.400
real ownership of my stuff and i was having more emotional connection which is what we didn't have

440
00:38:12.400 --> 00:38:20.160
before we just had obligation and manipulation which is great full suit yeah so we so we had

441
00:38:20.160 --> 00:38:23.760
built some more trust so we renegotiated and actually and i was actually like two nights a

442
00:38:23.760 --> 00:38:30.000
week sucks for me can we do three nights a week and it wasn't um it didn't necessarily mean that

443
00:38:30.000 --> 00:38:35.520
we're actually getting sex uh so he was like you can negotiate whether it's intercourse or whether

444
00:38:35.520 --> 00:38:40.320
it's something else so hand jobs kind of like came in to save the day that was a big deal that helped

445
00:38:40.320 --> 00:38:44.160
a lot um kids are like hey mum what's that

446
00:38:49.200 --> 00:38:59.040
oh this is bobbitt um put that knife away put that knife away please i can't hear what you

447
00:38:59.040 --> 00:39:04.960
guys are saying but just put the knife away um so we would renegotiate and lana was like yes

448
00:39:04.960 --> 00:39:09.360
and we started being way more consistent actually keeping our promises to each other

449
00:39:09.360 --> 00:39:15.120
and so when we kept those promises actually started building trust and and that meant that

450
00:39:15.120 --> 00:39:19.360
actually building that trust meant that things became organic and it didn't matter whether

451
00:39:19.360 --> 00:39:23.680
something happened or not because there wasn't that pressure and there wasn't that pressure on

452
00:39:23.680 --> 00:39:28.960
me there wasn't that pressure on benji and so it kind of grew to take on a life of its own if that

453
00:39:28.960 --> 00:39:38.240
makes sense and yeah so we renegotiated the the three nights a week but what was a big thing that

454
00:39:38.240 --> 00:39:43.600
had changed with me is that there was no more punishment so if it wasn't going to work out that

455
00:39:43.600 --> 00:39:47.840
night there was no punishment we're just like no worries hey babe that's all good don't worry about

456
00:39:47.840 --> 00:39:56.400
it he wasn't lying on his side of the bed huffing and sighing and like sending vibes yeah so because

457
00:39:56.400 --> 00:39:59.840
of that it just completely chilled out the whole thing so janice

458
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.280
noticed some of your comments before in the Facebook. So why

459
00:40:04.280 --> 00:40:06.200
did you hate sex so much in your marriage?

460
00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:17.880
There we go. Um, well, because basically, it was just all the

461
00:40:17.880 --> 00:40:22.600
same types of things. We had no real relationship. It was just

462
00:40:22.600 --> 00:40:27.880
all pressure on me and guilt, because he would say, if you

463
00:40:27.880 --> 00:40:30.520
don't have sex with me, then you're causing me to sin.

464
00:40:32.000 --> 00:40:36.680
Because he had the porn problem, and he had the lust problem of

465
00:40:36.680 --> 00:40:40.360
looking at other women. And there was all kinds of abuse in

466
00:40:40.360 --> 00:40:44.680
the marriage, you know, like, I had to, I had to put out even if

467
00:40:44.680 --> 00:40:47.840
I was pregnant and had yeast infections and was in pain or

468
00:40:47.840 --> 00:40:53.680
morning sickness or anything. And in the first year of our

469
00:40:53.680 --> 00:40:59.440
marriage, and our marriage is basically like we were only 17

470
00:40:59.440 --> 00:41:03.640
and 18 when we got married. And his parents basically knew he

471
00:41:03.640 --> 00:41:07.400
had a problem. And they thought, well, if he gets married, they

472
00:41:07.400 --> 00:41:11.520
didn't say anything. If he gets married, he just won't have a

473
00:41:11.560 --> 00:41:18.240
problem anymore. But he obviously did. And, and I was

474
00:41:18.240 --> 00:41:20.960
just so emotionally disconnected. I didn't even know

475
00:41:20.960 --> 00:41:25.840
myself. Or, you know, how to express myself. I was I was like

476
00:41:25.840 --> 00:41:30.040
Alana, as far as what's wrong. I don't know. I don't know. You

477
00:41:30.040 --> 00:41:32.680
know, that kind of stuff. I didn't know how to communicate.

478
00:41:32.680 --> 00:41:37.520
I was so insecure. I had been raised abusively. So, you know,

479
00:41:37.560 --> 00:41:43.120
I was just a total mess. Yeah. And it was all the guilt on me

480
00:41:43.120 --> 00:41:44.120
that I'm such a mess.

481
00:41:44.720 --> 00:41:49.240
Yeah. So how often, if you're happy, how often would you guys

482
00:41:49.280 --> 00:41:51.280
have sex? What was the normal kind of?

483
00:41:52.800 --> 00:41:56.040
Oh, he wanted it every day or twice a day.

484
00:41:57.440 --> 00:42:01.800
Yeah. And so it was every day or twice a day.

485
00:42:05.400 --> 00:42:10.360
And then I was pregnant for four, four years out of five

486
00:42:10.360 --> 00:42:14.480
years of marriage. And I was pregnant four times in that

487
00:42:14.480 --> 00:42:21.560
time. Yeah. So it was just, you know, talk about hormones and

488
00:42:21.560 --> 00:42:26.400
depression. And I didn't even get over one postpartum and I

489
00:42:26.400 --> 00:42:28.360
was pregnant again with the next one.

490
00:42:28.920 --> 00:42:34.720
Yeah, totally. Yeah. And how long after you had a baby? Was

491
00:42:34.720 --> 00:42:35.680
he happy to wait?

492
00:42:37.320 --> 00:42:43.000
Oh, I think about three or four weeks. That's it. Not even

493
00:42:44.000 --> 00:42:46.400
first one. It was only like a week and a half.

494
00:42:48.520 --> 00:42:49.040
Yeah.

495
00:42:51.160 --> 00:42:56.120
Yeah. And I had, I almost died when I had my first baby. Because

496
00:42:56.120 --> 00:43:00.840
I started emerging. And they said, don't get pregnant again

497
00:43:00.840 --> 00:43:04.600
for at least two years. And I was pregnant again within three

498
00:43:04.600 --> 00:43:07.240
months. Less than three months.

499
00:43:07.520 --> 00:43:10.800
So really no consideration for you at all in that equation.

500
00:43:11.440 --> 00:43:13.280
Yeah, nothing whatsoever.

501
00:43:14.160 --> 00:43:17.600
So he thought he got a sex slave for a wife. If that's what his

502
00:43:17.600 --> 00:43:19.040
definition of a wife was.

503
00:43:20.040 --> 00:43:23.520
Yeah, yeah. He basically wanted me to be like a Stepford wife.

504
00:43:23.640 --> 00:43:25.360
If you ever if you saw that movie,

505
00:43:25.720 --> 00:43:26.640
A what wife?

506
00:43:27.480 --> 00:43:31.600
Stepford. There was a movie back in the 70s called the Stepford

507
00:43:31.600 --> 00:43:38.960
wives. And basically, they they would like, put like, electrodes

508
00:43:38.960 --> 00:43:41.680
and things. It was like a science fiction. They would put

509
00:43:41.680 --> 00:43:45.440
things in their wives brains. So their wives would just say, yes,

510
00:43:45.440 --> 00:43:51.720
dear, whatever you want, anything for you, you know. And

511
00:43:51.720 --> 00:43:55.440
so the women were just like, I'm baking a bunch cake today for my

512
00:43:55.440 --> 00:43:58.160
husband. And those just kind of stuff.

513
00:43:59.880 --> 00:44:04.600
They basically had no brain whatsoever. Yeah, I couldn't

514
00:44:04.600 --> 00:44:08.440
even eat. I liked my hamburgers rare. And he felt that was

515
00:44:08.440 --> 00:44:12.720
disgusting. So I wasn't allowed to eat a hamburger rare. Well, I

516
00:44:12.720 --> 00:44:17.560
had to have it well done. He was very controlling. Yeah, that's a

517
00:44:17.560 --> 00:44:24.760
big deal. Yeah, that's a big deal. So um, so our first thing

518
00:44:24.760 --> 00:44:27.520
so we're under, we're just at the moment as we're going

519
00:44:27.520 --> 00:44:31.080
through this, we're looking at bored with your sex life. So

520
00:44:31.120 --> 00:44:33.640
here's the tips that we had. So the first one was make weight

521
00:44:33.640 --> 00:44:37.040
make a weekly sex date for some people, some people that might

522
00:44:37.040 --> 00:44:39.520
work. Well, actually, it didn't work the first time around. But

523
00:44:39.520 --> 00:44:43.760
afterwards, it started to work. So the kind of the progression

524
00:44:43.760 --> 00:44:48.640
for us was scheduled sex, that was a total fail for a lucky

525
00:44:48.640 --> 00:44:52.160
year. And then after that, oh, and you got to jump in there,

526
00:44:52.160 --> 00:44:52.560
buddy.

527
00:44:54.360 --> 00:44:56.840
Did you say sex tape or sex date?

528
00:44:58.080 --> 00:44:59.200
Make a sex tape.

529
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:09.440
sounds like sounds like um i said i said sex tape not sex date that's what i heard

530
00:45:10.080 --> 00:45:17.280
sex date yeah yeah the sorry the counselor and the sex therapists usually do not recommend to

531
00:45:17.280 --> 00:45:25.360
make a sex tape but maybe that's in the some of the advanced sessions no sex date so make a weekly

532
00:45:25.360 --> 00:45:37.520
sex date not a weekly sex tape so yeah um yeah so make a weekly sex date so like i'm saying for us

533
00:45:37.520 --> 00:45:42.880
for us the first time around scheduling that was a total fail and then the second time around we

534
00:45:42.880 --> 00:45:47.840
negotiated better we're in a better place it worked great and then that carried on for a

535
00:45:47.840 --> 00:45:53.760
while and then basically it kind of just then it was like training wheels in a sense for us it was

536
00:45:53.760 --> 00:46:00.640
like training wheels that helped us get a cool rhythm happening in our in our world and we were

537
00:46:00.640 --> 00:46:04.240
able to basically take the training wheels off after a while we didn't need that and it just

538
00:46:04.240 --> 00:46:09.760
happened more organically so i didn't need to be told hey you need to have an agreement to give

539
00:46:09.760 --> 00:46:15.440
alana massage and sensual touch it just became part of the rhythm and she didn't need to be told

540
00:46:15.520 --> 00:46:22.160
hey you need to jump that guy it became part of the rhythm which i liked yeah um

541
00:46:25.040 --> 00:46:32.800
so uh number two number two on this list um if you're bored with your sex life is

542
00:46:33.360 --> 00:46:38.160
stop having intercourse for a while and explore other ways of pleasuring each other sexually

543
00:46:39.120 --> 00:46:48.480
i'll let you be creative with that one um number three give your spouse very good information

544
00:46:48.480 --> 00:46:52.560
it doesn't matter if you've told them before talk to them about what about all the things

545
00:46:52.560 --> 00:46:57.520
that turn you on sexually and get you boiling like a kettle and for owen that's just the fact

546
00:46:57.520 --> 00:47:06.800
that ness exists see ness what you need to understand is that you you're there and you're a

547
00:47:06.800 --> 00:47:13.600
woman and so the natural result of that is i'm boiling like a kettle all day long just like you

548
00:47:13.600 --> 00:47:20.240
yeah finally ness understands whoa what are you doing sitting on the couch like that trying to

549
00:47:20.240 --> 00:47:28.960
turn me on aren't you uh no i was folding the washing yes the washing yes we understand

550
00:47:29.360 --> 00:47:38.800
um and number three oh sorry that was so number four is if you are the partner who

551
00:47:38.800 --> 00:47:43.840
does less of the initiating owen's gonna love this if you were the partner who does

552
00:47:43.840 --> 00:47:48.640
less of the initiating take the lead and initiate sex as soon as possible

553
00:47:48.640 --> 00:47:52.800
and in the book i wrote i won't be offended if you stop reading for a while

554
00:47:52.800 --> 00:48:03.680
um so number five on that is take a trip down memory lane and talk to them about all your

555
00:48:03.680 --> 00:48:11.840
favorite sexual experiences with them with them yeah like really important although i didn't

556
00:48:11.840 --> 00:48:17.840
specify that oh no i did number five yeah let me clarify that number five is take a trip down

557
00:48:17.840 --> 00:48:25.040
memory lane and talk to them about all your favorite sexual experiences together um so alana

558
00:48:25.040 --> 00:48:32.000
and i don't have any other sexual experiences um but for a lot of people they do uh so yeah

559
00:48:32.000 --> 00:48:37.200
make sure it's the ones that you share together so any thoughts feedback on that guys

560
00:48:37.200 --> 00:48:53.920
i found one time when um one time with us when we were struggling when we were struggling to um

561
00:48:53.920 --> 00:49:02.960
relax with it is to pray and when we prayed it just relaxed and away we went just away we went

562
00:49:03.040 --> 00:49:08.880
just like that that's the dynamic hey felt the shift in the atmosphere all of a sudden

563
00:49:09.680 --> 00:49:13.440
yeah because he's in the center of our relationship why not give it to him

564
00:49:14.080 --> 00:49:19.920
absolutely great call great call that's a good breakthrough people actually if you want a

565
00:49:19.920 --> 00:49:24.080
traveling ministry just let people know that you've got this particular anointing

566
00:49:24.080 --> 00:49:28.800
when you pray that um people will feel really really connected

567
00:49:29.680 --> 00:49:40.640
yeah are we i definitely agree with um with all that the um the sex tape thing um

568
00:49:41.840 --> 00:49:46.720
and just the the boredom thing like i definitely

569
00:49:49.120 --> 00:49:56.160
uh just working through things like for me the worst part is what feels like charity sex

570
00:49:56.160 --> 00:49:59.920
um it really hurts because when it's something so important to you

571
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:03.000
you and you get charity sex, it's almost like.

572
00:50:04.000 --> 00:50:06.400
Oh, is that your perception of it or is it the reality?

573
00:50:06.400 --> 00:50:08.400
Yeah, exactly. Often.

574
00:50:08.400 --> 00:50:10.960
And that's where often you can

575
00:50:12.560 --> 00:50:15.360
you can be deceived with bitterness and unforgiveness as well.

576
00:50:16.320 --> 00:50:19.040
But yeah, that's all I want to say.

577
00:50:19.720 --> 00:50:22.560
So I want to say it's all I had to say about that.

578
00:50:22.560 --> 00:50:24.120
Thank you. Thanks for sharing.

579
00:50:24.120 --> 00:50:25.160
I appreciate that.

580
00:50:25.160 --> 00:50:26.360
That's a that's a big deal.

581
00:50:26.360 --> 00:50:31.800
It's like people can be perceiving sex totally differently.

582
00:50:37.120 --> 00:50:38.920
Any thoughts on that, babe?

583
00:50:39.920 --> 00:50:42.920
No, but I mean, we had a similar dynamic that

584
00:50:43.720 --> 00:50:46.360
he wanted it all the time and I didn't.

585
00:50:46.440 --> 00:50:52.160
And so there often was that dynamic of if I give it to you,

586
00:50:52.160 --> 00:50:54.840
will you shut up and stop asking?

587
00:50:55.680 --> 00:50:58.640
All right. Well, maybe you'll leave me alone

588
00:50:58.640 --> 00:51:01.160
for at least like a week if I'm lucky.

589
00:51:01.680 --> 00:51:03.600
I think in two days.

590
00:51:04.880 --> 00:51:06.400
But it's like, oh, we had sex.

591
00:51:06.400 --> 00:51:07.600
I might get it tomorrow night.

592
00:51:07.600 --> 00:51:10.880
Yeah. Sometimes I sometimes I totally I was like, oh, flip.

593
00:51:10.920 --> 00:51:12.560
She's in the mood, you know, like that.

594
00:51:12.560 --> 00:51:14.080
Try my luck.

595
00:51:15.360 --> 00:51:18.560
You know, because with these hormones, everything's impossible to read.

596
00:51:18.800 --> 00:51:21.040
So you're like, oh, she's like on heat.

597
00:51:21.600 --> 00:51:23.440
You know, like it's a good going to be a good week.

598
00:51:23.440 --> 00:51:27.800
But so and the funny thing is, sometimes it is like that

599
00:51:27.800 --> 00:51:29.120
and sometimes it isn't right.

600
00:51:29.120 --> 00:51:31.680
So you kind of like as a guy, you definitely get guessing

601
00:51:31.680 --> 00:51:36.240
because sometimes it's like, oh, look, this is a really good week.

602
00:51:37.560 --> 00:51:39.840
And so obviously, I'm going to try that next week.

603
00:51:39.840 --> 00:51:41.080
And it's like not a good week.

604
00:51:41.080 --> 00:51:45.120
So it's like, oh, so you kind of have to figure that out a little bit.

605
00:51:45.120 --> 00:51:49.200
But I definitely I didn't label it as charity sex,

606
00:51:49.200 --> 00:51:50.760
but we definitely had sex with it.

607
00:51:50.760 --> 00:51:53.760
We didn't necessarily have the best attitudes at play.

608
00:51:53.800 --> 00:51:56.360
Or I was crying and not so much crying.

609
00:51:56.400 --> 00:51:58.200
It might have happened one time.

610
00:51:58.200 --> 00:52:00.360
Oh, yeah. Other times I didn't see.

611
00:52:02.440 --> 00:52:06.200
Yeah. But no, we definitely had some bad sex.

612
00:52:06.600 --> 00:52:09.720
Really, really happy that the bad sex as well behind us.

613
00:52:12.080 --> 00:52:13.120
But yeah.

614
00:52:14.320 --> 00:52:17.520
We definitely had some bad sex, and we both actually talked

615
00:52:17.520 --> 00:52:20.040
about the worst sex experience that we'd ever had.

616
00:52:20.200 --> 00:52:22.880
And it was the same for both of us.

617
00:52:22.880 --> 00:52:25.080
I definitely cried my way through that one.

618
00:52:25.080 --> 00:52:27.760
Yeah, that was really, really lame.

619
00:52:28.120 --> 00:52:29.800
It was really lame.

620
00:52:29.800 --> 00:52:31.680
And we hadn't really talked about it much.

621
00:52:31.680 --> 00:52:34.520
But when because actually, if you go through the workbook,

622
00:52:34.520 --> 00:52:37.080
the couple's workbook is amazing.

623
00:52:37.080 --> 00:52:41.400
It's got it's honestly we laugh our butts off when we're writing that.

624
00:52:42.640 --> 00:52:44.640
So you can get that.

625
00:52:44.640 --> 00:52:47.440
Like there's a download for that.

626
00:52:50.320 --> 00:52:53.920
You can get the like it's already in the other seven sacred pathways thing.

627
00:52:53.920 --> 00:52:56.880
I'll drop it into the seven sacred pathways

628
00:52:58.800 --> 00:53:02.480
group into the guide as well.

629
00:53:02.480 --> 00:53:03.960
So there will just be a post there.

630
00:53:03.960 --> 00:53:06.680
We can get it and download the guide.

631
00:53:06.680 --> 00:53:10.800
But one of the things that is in the guide was about talks about,

632
00:53:10.800 --> 00:53:12.640
you know, what was your worst sex experience?

633
00:53:12.640 --> 00:53:14.040
And we were talking about it.

634
00:53:14.040 --> 00:53:16.800
I think when we were writing it, it was like, yeah, that was the one.

635
00:53:16.800 --> 00:53:18.400
It was really bad.

636
00:53:18.400 --> 00:53:20.640
It still feels dumb thinking about it.

637
00:53:20.640 --> 00:53:23.280
But the only redeeming

638
00:53:23.280 --> 00:53:26.760
side to that is that it's like so far behind us.

639
00:53:27.520 --> 00:53:31.400
Like there's no way to redeem that moment, except to go, wow, we've come so far.

640
00:53:31.640 --> 00:53:35.480
Like, oh, man, it's the only thing that makes it better is that

641
00:53:36.360 --> 00:53:39.600
it's not where we're at right now.

642
00:53:41.600 --> 00:53:43.280
But again, it's process and journey.

643
00:53:43.280 --> 00:53:46.480
It took a long, long time to make that change.

644
00:53:46.480 --> 00:53:51.120
But yeah, any where are we at this?

645
00:53:51.480 --> 00:53:54.600
So that's the last that was the five tips on if you've got if you're bored

646
00:53:54.600 --> 00:53:58.440
with the sex life, the date, which is not a tape.

647
00:54:00.040 --> 00:54:02.880
Stop having sex for a little while and explore other ways

648
00:54:02.880 --> 00:54:04.640
of pleasuring each other sexually.

649
00:54:04.640 --> 00:54:05.920
Give good information.

650
00:54:05.920 --> 00:54:08.440
What turns you on and gets you boiling like a kettle?

651
00:54:08.480 --> 00:54:12.120
Number four is if you're not the one initiating,

652
00:54:12.120 --> 00:54:14.120
then actually do some initiating.

653
00:54:14.160 --> 00:54:17.760
And then number five, take a trip down memory lane,

654
00:54:18.200 --> 00:54:20.560
but take a good, good trip, not a dumb one.

655
00:54:22.640 --> 00:54:25.000
And so any other feedback on that, guys?

656
00:54:31.080 --> 00:54:33.480
No. All right, sweet. Moving along.

657
00:54:35.080 --> 00:54:38.720
So what we're like, the headings that we're under right now, remember, is

658
00:54:39.960 --> 00:54:42.800
the biggest, the top ten sex issues in marriage.

659
00:54:42.800 --> 00:54:45.920
So the first one was unsafe atmospheres and we had narcissism,

660
00:54:46.840 --> 00:54:49.960
then stress, emotional connection,

661
00:54:50.400 --> 00:54:53.760
parenting pressure, hormones, bored with your sex life.

662
00:54:54.120 --> 00:54:58.880
And now we're at number eight, which is sex is evil.

663
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:08.360
So, yeah, a lot of people in church get told that sex is evil.

664
00:55:08.360 --> 00:55:13.000
And this is actually one of the reasons, one of the biggest reasons why a lot of women

665
00:55:13.000 --> 00:55:17.320
never actually have an orgasm in their life, right?

666
00:55:17.320 --> 00:55:22.640
So even if they go, or they never orgasm unless they go through coaching and therapy, but

667
00:55:22.640 --> 00:55:23.640
babe, sex is evil.

668
00:55:24.480 --> 00:55:30.160
So for me, I grew up in a really conservative church and there was just this real sort of

669
00:55:30.160 --> 00:55:39.240
taboo, sex is dirty, you shouldn't do it, avoid it at all costs.

670
00:55:39.240 --> 00:55:44.320
One night in the book, I wrote one of my clearest memories around sex is dad saying at the dinner

671
00:55:44.320 --> 00:55:49.200
table one night, if you come home pregnant, don't come home.

672
00:55:49.200 --> 00:55:57.040
And so just this real sort of, and I've watched a couple of girls in the church get pregnant

673
00:55:57.040 --> 00:56:04.240
and just like the shame that was heaped on them and kind of like you're dirty and I can't

674
00:56:04.240 --> 00:56:05.240
associate with you now.

675
00:56:05.240 --> 00:56:11.200
And so for me, that was my experience of sex growing up really, was that we didn't talk

676
00:56:11.240 --> 00:56:20.200
about it or save it for marriage because of X, Y, Z, it was just don't do it basically

677
00:56:20.200 --> 00:56:22.120
because it's a sin.

678
00:56:22.120 --> 00:56:25.520
And so that sort of, that was all I ever heard really.

679
00:56:25.520 --> 00:56:29.520
Yeah, deep in the subconscious.

680
00:56:29.520 --> 00:56:33.160
Anyone have that same thing?

681
00:56:33.160 --> 00:56:40.000
I bet Anthony thought, thinks sex is evil.

682
00:56:41.000 --> 00:56:42.000
Yes.

683
00:56:42.000 --> 00:56:43.000
Are we on?

684
00:56:43.000 --> 00:56:44.000
Yeah.

685
00:56:44.000 --> 00:56:45.000
Yeah.

686
00:56:45.000 --> 00:56:46.000
Yes.

687
00:56:46.000 --> 00:56:47.000
I did think that.

688
00:56:47.000 --> 00:56:48.000
Well, I didn't think sex was evil.

689
00:56:48.000 --> 00:56:50.560
I just knew it was normal, natural.

690
00:56:50.560 --> 00:56:54.920
That when you're growing up and your hormones are kicking in, then you're going to actually

691
00:56:54.920 --> 00:56:57.160
explore your sexuality.

692
00:56:57.160 --> 00:57:03.040
And of course, I grew up in a Catholic church because I was always going to confession.

693
00:57:03.040 --> 00:57:06.400
And you can, you can make the, you can make the conclusion on that one.

694
00:57:06.400 --> 00:57:07.400
There we go.

695
00:57:07.400 --> 00:57:08.400
We will.

696
00:57:08.400 --> 00:57:17.640
Anyone else kind of go through that dynamic of, you know, just the perspective around

697
00:57:17.640 --> 00:57:20.640
sex as if sex is evil?

698
00:57:20.640 --> 00:57:27.600
Only the one that, the anal one, which is, I can't stand that, that totally was wrong

699
00:57:27.600 --> 00:57:30.440
because it's, you know, one that's, that's abomination.

700
00:57:30.640 --> 00:57:33.640
So it's just around all that sort of stuff.

701
00:57:33.640 --> 00:57:35.640
Did you say abomination?

702
00:57:35.640 --> 00:57:36.640
Yeah.

703
00:57:36.640 --> 00:57:37.640
The anal one.

704
00:57:37.640 --> 00:57:43.640
But yeah, that's, that's what I think, you know, it was taught that, yeah, that type

705
00:57:43.640 --> 00:57:44.640
of stuff.

706
00:57:44.640 --> 00:57:45.640
And yeah.

707
00:57:45.640 --> 00:57:57.640
And, but no, I just, to me it's because I got caught up in a lot of Facebook stuff where

708
00:57:57.840 --> 00:58:02.840
I talked on spiritual and a lot of stuff went on there and I got put off it because, and

709
00:58:02.840 --> 00:58:08.840
that type of stuff, because the, you know, when I was in that space where I was shopping,

710
00:58:08.840 --> 00:58:14.840
but it, but I was just appalled about the certain talk that comes on in a way that some

711
00:58:14.840 --> 00:58:21.840
people have, it's just, especially when I caught, and I got caught into that pornography

712
00:58:21.840 --> 00:58:22.840
and watching those.

713
00:58:22.840 --> 00:58:23.840
Well, I'll be honest.

714
00:58:24.040 --> 00:58:31.040
I'll go to those movies, those, and that kind of thinking that those are like that, but

715
00:58:31.040 --> 00:58:36.040
there's a whole lot of, you know, that isn't like what it is in the blue movies or whatever

716
00:58:36.040 --> 00:58:37.040
like that.

717
00:58:37.040 --> 00:58:43.040
Cause I snuck and watched one when I was a kid because teenager, which was wrong.

718
00:58:43.040 --> 00:58:48.040
But yeah, I realized that now it's, it's not like that.

719
00:58:48.040 --> 00:58:49.040
It's wrong.

720
00:58:49.240 --> 00:58:55.240
Not the, you know, not the, it's not exactly, it's not like that in real life, what they

721
00:58:55.240 --> 00:58:59.240
put on my stuff that you sort of get the wrong impression.

722
00:58:59.240 --> 00:59:00.240
Yeah.

723
00:59:00.240 --> 00:59:07.240
I think historically too, for women, that sort of the whole idea around men can be promiscuous

724
00:59:07.240 --> 00:59:08.240
and women can't.

725
00:59:08.240 --> 00:59:14.240
And, you know, in some countries, if there's any sex outside the marriage, the woman is

726
00:59:14.440 --> 00:59:15.440
killed.

727
00:59:15.440 --> 00:59:20.440
And like, so there's culturally in lots of areas as well, that sort of pressure on women

728
00:59:20.440 --> 00:59:21.440
around sex.

729
00:59:21.440 --> 00:59:27.440
And so therefore sex isn't safe in any setting.

730
00:59:27.440 --> 00:59:33.440
So, yeah, I was similar to Alana, quite conservative religious background.

731
00:59:33.440 --> 00:59:36.440
We never talked about it.

732
00:59:36.440 --> 00:59:43.440
And I think it's pretty dire straits really, like just because you ignore the elephant

733
00:59:43.640 --> 00:59:45.640
in the room doesn't mean you're not going to get squashed.

734
00:59:45.640 --> 00:59:51.640
And like that sort of approach is really stupid, especially in today's day and age.

735
00:59:51.640 --> 00:59:53.640
And I'm not doing it with my kids.

736
00:59:53.640 --> 00:59:58.640
I'm going to be very open and honest because would I fail to teach my kids the way I want

737
00:59:58.640 --> 00:59:59.640
to teach them?

738
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:06.560
the world will teach them and that's not how I want them taught so and I think

739
01:00:06.560 --> 01:00:10.440
what it also leads to is unrealistic expectations and I never have any

740
01:00:10.440 --> 01:00:15.560
conversation with people saying like this is what it's actually like and being

741
01:00:15.560 --> 01:00:20.360
a guy you just build it up even without the porn addiction or anything because I

742
01:00:20.360 --> 01:00:25.440
didn't have that but I still built up this unrealistic expectation of what sex

743
01:00:25.440 --> 01:00:29.440
is just because it was like save it for marriage save for marriage and then you

744
01:00:29.440 --> 01:00:34.880
just it's just becomes this God almost and then and then you get terribly

745
01:00:34.880 --> 01:00:45.440
terribly and then it's really and then you got to work through that so I think

746
01:00:45.440 --> 01:00:51.120
if you could just be real with your kids and and tell them what it is and I think

747
01:00:51.120 --> 01:00:56.880
it'll just be healthy too for so you don't think it is evil because that yeah

748
01:00:56.880 --> 01:01:02.720
that's subconscious it just messes with you I like I mean I knew it never knew

749
01:01:02.720 --> 01:01:09.920
it was wrong but I think it does play it does play on people's minds for sure

750
01:01:09.920 --> 01:01:17.040
maybe more so woman than guys because we have that drive but yeah well yeah I

751
01:01:17.040 --> 01:01:19.440
think you're right and just in terms of not talking about it because we're just

752
01:01:19.440 --> 01:01:26.240
looking at the porn stats before when you've got 68% of church going men in

753
01:01:26.240 --> 01:01:38.320
the States over 50% of pastors on porn 76% of young adults on porn and I can't

754
01:01:38.320 --> 01:01:42.880
remember the stats of the ladies but you know like you were saying in terms of

755
01:01:42.880 --> 01:01:47.000
just ignoring the elephant in the room it doesn't really work does it you know

756
01:01:47.000 --> 01:01:53.680
just to just to ignore and pretend that's not an issue when 57% of churches

757
01:01:53.680 --> 01:01:59.040
say that porn addiction is the single biggest issue the church faces that's

758
01:01:59.040 --> 01:02:10.720
that's a big deal so yeah ignoring is not going to work there it is alright

759
01:02:10.720 --> 01:02:19.720
hey so the next thing number nine on the top ten issues this is something that I

760
01:02:19.720 --> 01:02:26.440
have not struggled with it's just that this one is I just don't enjoy sex so if

761
01:02:26.440 --> 01:02:30.920
one spouse doesn't enjoy sex and the other spouse loves it then things can

762
01:02:30.920 --> 01:02:37.720
reach a stalemate without generous negotiation so that was us for ages I

763
01:02:37.720 --> 01:02:42.240
mean it's still probably like I mean I'm still like and take it or leave it I'd

764
01:02:42.240 --> 01:02:49.760
rather leave it no I'll take it so but here's the thing is that generous

765
01:02:49.760 --> 01:02:56.200
negotiation is the key and this is this is like so much of of all parts of

766
01:02:56.200 --> 01:03:01.600
marriage just hinge on generous negotiation because if you if you

767
01:03:01.600 --> 01:03:09.720
haven't got generous negotiation then you end up like if generous negotiation

768
01:03:09.720 --> 01:03:17.040
means that I'm gonna work really hard to abundantly meet your needs and vice

769
01:03:17.040 --> 01:03:23.600
versa but without generous negotiation then you know and being generous givers

770
01:03:23.600 --> 01:03:30.960
then I have to start trying to meet my own needs somewhere so that's when you

771
01:03:30.960 --> 01:03:36.360
read this book you'll find that so much of of the book and so much of the health

772
01:03:36.360 --> 01:03:44.520
of marriage revolves around generous negotiation so how do you have you guys

773
01:03:44.520 --> 01:03:50.400
felt like so Janice your marriage talk to us about generous negotiation and

774
01:03:50.400 --> 01:03:57.760
your marriage I don't think there was any I mean I was the only one that was

775
01:03:57.760 --> 01:04:08.680
being forced to be generous you know it was just all one-sided yeah so it wasn't

776
01:04:08.680 --> 01:04:14.440
good and tight it wasn't there was no generosity it was just theft right it

777
01:04:14.440 --> 01:04:22.080
was just oppression and just abuse yeah definitely we might have had a couple of

778
01:04:22.080 --> 01:04:26.520
good times you know maybe when my hormones were really good or someone a

779
01:04:26.520 --> 01:04:31.480
particular night but actually then we we were separated for a couple of years

780
01:04:31.480 --> 01:04:37.560
before we actually divorced and then we I actually enjoyed sex a few times

781
01:04:37.560 --> 01:04:42.400
because it was still legal because we weren't divorced yet and it was on my

782
01:04:42.400 --> 01:04:50.840
terms and it was only like six months apart so it wasn't like you know I was

783
01:04:50.840 --> 01:04:59.960
really wanting something by then so long so you just went and jumped them

784
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:04.760
well you're supposed to be visiting the children but you know never mind the

785
01:05:04.760 --> 01:05:11.760
children let's go out back yeah right you guys want to watch some TV

786
01:05:14.200 --> 01:05:23.200
so with that someone not knowing if they want it have you guys had problems like

787
01:05:23.200 --> 01:05:29.880
with asking someone not knowing what they want like you know as far as like

788
01:05:29.880 --> 01:05:35.640
specifics maybe like I just don't know what I want or and you just you know in

789
01:05:35.640 --> 01:05:42.680
six or in general and six and I mean like and so therefore you're like you

790
01:05:42.680 --> 01:05:46.920
want to generously give that person what they want and you have no problem with

791
01:05:46.920 --> 01:05:52.520
that but it's like there's a breakdown in the communication of what do you want

792
01:05:53.360 --> 01:06:03.800
we've had like a classic thing for us with that I would ask Alana all the time

793
01:06:03.800 --> 01:06:13.400
is what do you want what do you need in your response was the most frustrating

794
01:06:13.400 --> 01:06:17.400
response in the world hang on I didn't get that what did you want I don't know

795
01:06:17.400 --> 01:06:25.640
wait let me ask you 2,000 more times what do you want I don't know so but we

796
01:06:25.640 --> 01:06:30.320
only just figured this out of why she never knew it's not like a lot of stupid

797
01:06:30.320 --> 01:06:35.440
she's not a stupid person and she can actually figure things out but it was

798
01:06:35.440 --> 01:06:43.520
usually the context of win right so if you go if you rewind in the in the chat

799
01:06:43.520 --> 01:06:48.640
and training of what we've talked about we we talked about the whole emotional

800
01:06:48.640 --> 01:06:57.480
pathway and we talked about safe atmospheres right because we talked

801
01:06:57.480 --> 01:07:01.480
about amygdala hijack and we talked about the brain okay so the moment you

802
01:07:01.480 --> 01:07:07.160
start feeling unsafe in the conversation or anything what happens is you trigger

803
01:07:07.160 --> 01:07:12.920
the amygdala oh yeah just checking you good stuff Alana's just checking it in

804
01:07:12.920 --> 01:07:20.440
on Facebook for the Facebook world peace but when stuff when things start getting

805
01:07:20.440 --> 01:07:26.280
unsafe you can trigger the amygdala right have an amygdala hijack so what an

806
01:07:26.280 --> 01:07:30.480
amygdala hijack is is you've got two tiny little parts of your brain about

807
01:07:30.480 --> 01:07:34.800
the size of a pea or a fingernail you're both actually directly behind the eyes

808
01:07:34.800 --> 01:07:41.000
because the amygdala is like it's your security system it's what scanning all

809
01:07:41.000 --> 01:07:44.440
the information and the moment things get unsafe it's going to go fight-or-flight

810
01:07:44.440 --> 01:07:51.240
so your amygdala is a really really fast acting part of your brain but it's not a

811
01:07:51.240 --> 01:07:56.040
very smart part of your brain okay so your frontal cortex is what does all the

812
01:07:56.040 --> 01:08:00.600
thinking or the logical stuff or the rational stuff all the clever stuff

813
01:08:00.600 --> 01:08:04.760
whenever you're doing something smart or clever or you know you want to do

814
01:08:04.760 --> 01:08:09.840
something you know very nice you're acting out of the frontal cortex that's

815
01:08:09.840 --> 01:08:13.240
where the smart clever part of your brain is problem-solving all those good

816
01:08:13.240 --> 01:08:18.520
things the amygdala it when you have a reaction might be going to fight or

817
01:08:18.520 --> 01:08:22.080
fright you say you get scared or anything like that you trigger in some

818
01:08:22.080 --> 01:08:26.880
way you you then start operating out of your amygdala and what your amygdala does

819
01:08:26.880 --> 01:08:31.240
is your amygdala shuts down access to your frontal cortex so when you start

820
01:08:31.240 --> 01:08:36.720
feeling unsafe you'd be really careful because when you start feeling unsafe

821
01:08:36.720 --> 01:08:41.520
you can be starting to have a mini amygdala hijack and your brain triggers

822
01:08:41.520 --> 01:08:45.800
your amygdala and it shuts down access to your frontal cortex which is why I

823
01:08:45.800 --> 01:08:50.040
can ask a really an intelligent person here hey what do you want and I get this

824
01:08:50.040 --> 01:08:58.800
response because she's triggering and when she's triggering she doesn't have

825
01:08:58.800 --> 01:09:04.160
access to the intelligent rational clever part of her brain and so when did

826
01:09:04.160 --> 01:09:09.760
I ask her what she wants during an argument and I'm trying to like high

827
01:09:09.760 --> 01:09:14.560
stress situations where I'm trying to go okay well how can we resolve this what

828
01:09:14.560 --> 01:09:22.760
do you want and then I'd get angry punish her a little bit more and then I

829
01:09:22.760 --> 01:09:28.840
be like so what do you want it was just this never-ending cycle for years and

830
01:09:28.840 --> 01:09:32.560
years but it was only just recently that we actually realized oh look that's what

831
01:09:32.560 --> 01:09:35.720
that was what was happening that's why she couldn't answer and couldn't give

832
01:09:35.720 --> 01:09:41.680
good information so it's just incomplete overload yeah so so if you're asking

833
01:09:41.680 --> 01:09:47.760
things and that's a problem as well if a conversation is scary I'm not saying

834
01:09:47.760 --> 01:09:51.319
this is where you're at but this is where we were at but if a conversation

835
01:09:51.319 --> 01:09:56.720
is scary then the then the conversation itself can actually like start triggering

836
01:09:56.720 --> 01:10:00.160
amygdala like a mini

837
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:07.520
amygdala hijack where the conversation gets scary you're in fight or flight and so you actually

838
01:10:07.520 --> 01:10:12.720
don't have full access to that so i mean sexually it could also be that you just don't know because

839
01:10:12.720 --> 01:10:16.640
you don't know what the possibilities are and you need to do some exploring and some playing and

840
01:10:16.640 --> 01:10:22.640
that kind of thing like that can be another dynamic of it as well sexually um and i feel

841
01:10:22.640 --> 01:10:28.960
like i often don't know exactly what i want or whatever and some of it is just it's not

842
01:10:28.960 --> 01:10:38.400
the brain overload it's just i don't know um and so in in some way it just takes time to figure

843
01:10:38.400 --> 01:10:45.520
that stuff out um yeah yeah and this is what um one of the things we talked about last week as

844
01:10:45.520 --> 01:10:54.240
well as two of the real keys to mastering the intellectual pathway is curiosity and vulnerability

845
01:10:54.480 --> 01:11:02.160
so those are two of the most important aspects to any marriage right if you is

846
01:11:04.400 --> 01:11:14.320
to be in order to be able to give your spouse what they want when they want it and how they like it

847
01:11:15.520 --> 01:11:22.000
you have to know what they want when they want it and how they like it so who would like a marriage

848
01:11:22.080 --> 01:11:27.520
where they get exactly what they want when they want it how they like it without manipulation or

849
01:11:27.520 --> 01:11:36.560
control but without without manipulation or control you know yes yes let's stop to fill

850
01:11:36.560 --> 01:11:43.840
this for a second because owen's done lots of talking um can you take the unmuting off so that

851
01:11:43.840 --> 01:11:54.880
we don't have to do sign language yeah this is like no way jose yes okay so um

852
01:11:56.480 --> 01:12:03.680
deep honest moment here would you like a marriage where you get what you want when you want it and

853
01:12:03.680 --> 01:12:14.560
how you like it of course not of course not yeah um can you like what would be a couple of the for

854
01:12:14.560 --> 01:12:19.840
you and in your marriage what would be a couple of core values of things that you just want just

855
01:12:19.840 --> 01:12:25.600
in general in marriage like here's the things that are like high priorities for me um a husband who

856
01:12:25.600 --> 01:12:38.800
uses his eyes i understand that to do 500 things yeah that's probably a high one yeah yeah any

857
01:12:38.800 --> 01:12:43.520
anything else on the on the list there like we can tell from all owen's conversation that he's

858
01:12:43.520 --> 01:12:48.320
brought up today even if i didn't know him or really well like i do so if you guys don't know

859
01:12:48.320 --> 01:12:54.880
i've known owen since he was like actually actually the first time i met owen he was a baby

860
01:12:54.880 --> 01:12:59.840
and his mom was carrying him around because his family used to live next door to my primary school

861
01:13:00.720 --> 01:13:05.680
they were the weird dutch family that kept on having babies and owen was like the last one i

862
01:13:05.680 --> 01:13:11.360
was like are you serious more babies what what is going on with this family so that's when i went

863
01:13:11.360 --> 01:13:15.920
on was when he was like a newborn but i didn't know that in the future that this weird dutch

864
01:13:15.920 --> 01:13:23.760
family would actually become really good friends um so obviously we know some of the things that

865
01:13:23.760 --> 01:13:28.880
owen wants but for you niece what else would be on like high priority for you in terms of core values

866
01:13:28.880 --> 01:13:40.080
for what what you want in marriage i don't know that's a good question like for sure not having to

867
01:13:41.040 --> 01:13:46.640
you know because you say oh what about the dishes but you asked me to do the dishes

868
01:13:47.360 --> 01:13:52.800
well you can see the dishes so that's a big one for like the support in general yeah

869
01:13:55.760 --> 01:14:07.280
yeah more quality time more emotional connection yeah yeah i know that for alana when we started

870
01:14:07.280 --> 01:14:14.080
having kids her love languages kind of started changing a little bit which it started going

871
01:14:14.080 --> 01:14:19.600
more and more towards acts of service because things were so crazy and she was just like i've

872
01:14:19.600 --> 01:14:24.640
got no time and so many things to do like how and there's things i want to do so if you do

873
01:14:24.640 --> 01:14:27.200
something i have to do then i can do what i want to do

874
01:14:32.400 --> 01:14:36.800
yep good stuff all right well done being put on the spot you pass 10 out of 10

875
01:14:36.800 --> 01:14:52.480
um sweet okay hey we're gonna we'll um we're getting to the the last two thing uh

876
01:14:54.880 --> 01:14:59.840
i think this is number 10 on our top 10 reasons why top 10

877
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:03.120
and sex issues in marriage.

878
01:15:03.120 --> 01:15:06.060
Here's number 10 is, I need some adventure.

879
01:15:07.320 --> 01:15:08.600
And here's what we've written under here.

880
01:15:08.600 --> 01:15:10.860
It says, I'm sure you didn't forget, right?

881
01:15:10.860 --> 01:15:13.400
So when I started this before,

882
01:15:13.400 --> 01:15:18.000
I talked to you about the fact that I bought a book.

883
01:15:18.000 --> 01:15:19.440
Can anyone remember the name of that book

884
01:15:19.440 --> 01:15:20.680
that I brought up before?

885
01:15:23.000 --> 01:15:25.240
What was the name of the book, anyone?

886
01:15:26.120 --> 01:15:28.440
Turn your wife into a nymphomaniac.

887
01:15:28.440 --> 01:15:30.600
Yeah, How to Turn Your Wife Into a Nymphomaniac

888
01:15:30.600 --> 01:15:32.200
by Carl Zorro.

889
01:15:32.200 --> 01:15:33.600
Don't go anywhere near the book,

890
01:15:33.600 --> 01:15:36.240
How to Turn Your Wife Into a Raving Nymphomaniac

891
01:15:36.240 --> 01:15:37.160
by the other guy.

892
01:15:38.320 --> 01:15:40.280
So you can remember I bought that book.

893
01:15:42.320 --> 01:15:45.080
It's like an engaging title,

894
01:15:45.080 --> 01:15:50.080
but it's actually really, really good advice.

895
01:15:50.960 --> 01:15:52.960
It's actually really good Christian teaching

896
01:15:52.960 --> 01:15:55.380
on relationships.

897
01:15:55.380 --> 01:16:00.380
And here's the hottest tip I got from that book, actually.

898
01:16:03.020 --> 01:16:05.260
So this is the number one hottest tip

899
01:16:05.260 --> 01:16:09.220
that I got from that book, which is exhilaration.

900
01:16:09.220 --> 01:16:13.680
So ensure to create regular events in your wife's life

901
01:16:13.680 --> 01:16:17.100
that leave her feeling absolutely exhilarated.

902
01:16:17.100 --> 01:16:21.500
Regardless of whether your partner has a low sex drive,

903
01:16:21.500 --> 01:16:24.580
it's just great for them to be getting

904
01:16:24.580 --> 01:16:26.060
that dynamic of exhilaration.

905
01:16:26.060 --> 01:16:30.700
So for Alana, I tried to do it every now and then.

906
01:16:30.700 --> 01:16:32.100
It's actually real difficult as well

907
01:16:32.100 --> 01:16:33.100
when you don't have much money.

908
01:16:33.100 --> 01:16:34.540
You're like, oh, flip, what am I gonna do?

909
01:16:34.540 --> 01:16:37.020
You'd like to try and do something exciting, exhilarating.

910
01:16:37.020 --> 01:16:39.140
But one of the things that I would try and do

911
01:16:39.140 --> 01:16:40.740
is if a fishing adventure came up,

912
01:16:40.740 --> 01:16:42.340
I knew she loved fishing

913
01:16:42.340 --> 01:16:43.620
and knew she loved being on the water.

914
01:16:43.620 --> 01:16:46.380
So I'd always try and say, yep, you go fishing.

915
01:16:46.380 --> 01:16:47.220
I'll take the clips.

916
01:16:47.220 --> 01:16:48.380
It's my once half a year.

917
01:16:50.020 --> 01:16:52.780
Well, we didn't go out all that often.

918
01:16:52.820 --> 01:16:56.260
But maybe once a year or once every second year,

919
01:16:56.260 --> 01:16:58.060
that was my day off.

920
01:16:58.060 --> 01:16:59.060
Well, not like that.

921
01:17:00.700 --> 01:17:02.460
But exhilaration was a thing

922
01:17:02.460 --> 01:17:04.260
that we tried to start building in.

923
01:17:04.260 --> 01:17:07.060
Like I knew, oh, flip, let's try and create space

924
01:17:07.060 --> 01:17:09.180
for Alana to have an adventure.

925
01:17:09.180 --> 01:17:10.780
Maybe that was gonna be like,

926
01:17:10.780 --> 01:17:12.540
go and have a day with your sister

927
01:17:12.540 --> 01:17:15.500
or go and do this adventure or whatever.

928
01:17:15.500 --> 01:17:17.140
That was something that was really key

929
01:17:17.140 --> 01:17:22.140
for just enjoying quality of life.

930
01:17:22.260 --> 01:17:25.300
Or taking me somewhere at night or whatever.

931
01:17:25.300 --> 01:17:30.300
Although surprise adventures, I learnt,

932
01:17:31.060 --> 01:17:34.860
I learnt slowly that taking Alana for surprise adventures

933
01:17:34.860 --> 01:17:38.340
wasn't always the best way to do things for Alana.

934
01:17:39.340 --> 01:17:40.660
So I had this,

935
01:17:43.020 --> 01:17:45.020
a couple of times I took Alana away

936
01:17:45.020 --> 01:17:47.340
on these fun, romantic surprise trips

937
01:17:47.340 --> 01:17:50.420
where I had kids looked after, babysitters,

938
01:17:50.420 --> 01:17:53.900
all sorted, really nice accommodation booked and got away.

939
01:17:53.900 --> 01:17:57.860
But I kind of like would tell Alana at the last moment,

940
01:17:57.860 --> 01:17:59.500
as in like while we're driving,

941
01:17:59.500 --> 01:18:01.460
I'd come like, yeah, I've packed you some clothes.

942
01:18:01.460 --> 01:18:06.140
So one day, right, Ezra's still breastfed at night.

943
01:18:06.140 --> 01:18:11.140
So I must've been like 10 months, nine, 10 months old.

944
01:18:11.860 --> 01:18:15.420
And I'm having a nap, which was amazing.

945
01:18:15.420 --> 01:18:18.340
Like a good quality nap.

946
01:18:18.540 --> 01:18:22.420
And Benji comes and wakes me up from this deep sleep

947
01:18:22.420 --> 01:18:25.780
and said, babe, Owen and John have sunk the boat

948
01:18:25.780 --> 01:18:28.980
in the lake, we need to go and help them now.

949
01:18:28.980 --> 01:18:31.100
So I like, they had sunk the boat.

950
01:18:31.100 --> 01:18:32.860
I got up frantically.

951
01:18:32.860 --> 01:18:33.700
And-

952
01:18:33.700 --> 01:18:35.860
Was it Mark and John?

953
01:18:35.860 --> 01:18:36.900
Was it Mark and John?

954
01:18:36.900 --> 01:18:37.740
Okay.

955
01:18:37.740 --> 01:18:40.340
So anyway, he wakes me up telling me

956
01:18:40.340 --> 01:18:43.020
that our friend's boat is sinking

957
01:18:43.020 --> 01:18:45.180
and we need to go and help them now.

958
01:18:45.180 --> 01:18:47.980
So I get up frantically and get in the car

959
01:18:48.620 --> 01:18:51.220
and he starts driving in the opposite direction.

960
01:18:51.220 --> 01:18:52.580
I'm like, where are you going?

961
01:18:52.580 --> 01:18:54.460
Like, our friends need our help.

962
01:18:55.660 --> 01:18:58.900
And he's like, babe, we're not going to help them.

963
01:18:58.900 --> 01:19:01.540
And then he tells me that he's taking me away overnight.

964
01:19:01.540 --> 01:19:04.700
And I'm like, well, what about Ezra?

965
01:19:04.700 --> 01:19:05.900
He's still breastfed.

966
01:19:05.900 --> 01:19:07.580
And what do you mean?

967
01:19:07.580 --> 01:19:10.300
Like, no one's told, like, I haven't prepped him

968
01:19:10.300 --> 01:19:11.780
that we're going away.

969
01:19:11.780 --> 01:19:13.060
Who's got him?

970
01:19:13.060 --> 01:19:14.820
And like, what's the process?

971
01:19:14.820 --> 01:19:16.460
And have you packed him the right stuff?

972
01:19:16.460 --> 01:19:19.580
And like, I just cried and cried and cried.

973
01:19:19.580 --> 01:19:21.100
And we were going for a two-hour drive

974
01:19:21.100 --> 01:19:23.140
to get to Invercargill and halfway, he's like,

975
01:19:23.140 --> 01:19:25.660
babe, should we turn around and go home?

976
01:19:25.660 --> 01:19:28.140
And I think I was kind of like, well, we're here now.

977
01:19:28.140 --> 01:19:29.540
You've already screwed it up.

978
01:19:29.540 --> 01:19:31.900
Going home's not going to fix it.

979
01:19:31.900 --> 01:19:32.740
This is Ezra.

980
01:19:32.740 --> 01:19:33.660
He survived.

981
01:19:35.340 --> 01:19:39.780
I had him with some really, really good friends.

982
01:19:39.780 --> 01:19:40.620
The wipers.

983
01:19:40.620 --> 01:19:43.260
So he was being looked after by the best.

984
01:19:43.260 --> 01:19:45.660
Like, he'd never been away from me before.

985
01:19:45.660 --> 01:19:48.700
I like to be able to give the time, you know,

986
01:19:48.700 --> 01:19:49.740
the kids some time to be like,

987
01:19:49.740 --> 01:19:51.980
mommy's going away and daddy's going away

988
01:19:51.980 --> 01:19:52.900
and you're going to be, you know,

989
01:19:52.900 --> 01:19:55.500
like to prep them emotionally and mentally.

990
01:19:55.500 --> 01:19:57.060
Ez and I had that covered.

991
01:19:57.060 --> 01:20:00.220
And just like the fact that he'd woke me up with this.

992
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:06.760
disaster which actually did happen yeah just he learned very quickly not to do

993
01:20:06.760 --> 01:20:11.840
stuff like that to me and that I need time to prep of like we're going away

994
01:20:11.840 --> 01:20:17.200
but I tell you what I did I did two things I bought her an ice cream and I

995
01:20:17.200 --> 01:20:27.440
bought her a ring and she got over it and we had awesome sex that night so buy

996
01:20:27.440 --> 01:20:32.040
her an ice cream and buy her a ring but actually the place that we went was

997
01:20:32.040 --> 01:20:36.440
really amazing and that's kind of sometimes can change the attitude a

998
01:20:36.440 --> 01:20:40.480
little bit because we like the place we went and stayed was actually really nice

999
01:20:40.480 --> 01:20:45.520
kind of five-star vibes it was like oh yeah yeah so that helped change your

1000
01:20:45.520 --> 01:20:50.160
attitude. He didn't surprise me he would always give me some warning after that

1001
01:20:50.160 --> 01:20:58.520
except what it was which is fine but yeah although I did do the same thing

1002
01:20:58.520 --> 01:21:02.640
again a little what like a couple of years later I had all the kids look

1003
01:21:02.640 --> 01:21:08.120
after I had you know like I had that covered and then we were in a place

1004
01:21:08.120 --> 01:21:14.880
called Mossburn and Alana's like getting ready to get into our car and I was like

1005
01:21:14.880 --> 01:21:19.920
oh yeah we're not going in our car and we put the car seats I think we had the

1006
01:21:19.920 --> 01:21:26.360
kids with us some of this and then I think we took John's truck and we went

1007
01:21:26.360 --> 01:21:32.400
to Queenstown and had the night in Queenstown which was really bad at the

1008
01:21:32.400 --> 01:21:36.040
start because I started packing the car and I was like surprise we're going to

1009
01:21:36.040 --> 01:21:40.040
Queenstown I've booked us a hotel and then yeah again she just started crying

1010
01:21:40.600 --> 01:21:54.040
sweet date fail otherwise we're gonna wrap it up for today a for effort Benji

1011
01:21:54.040 --> 01:22:16.320
also a for anti-climax yeah who's got a funny story for us and then we'll wrap

1012
01:22:16.320 --> 01:22:24.000
it up I've got a question yeah so out of these ten things what are the things

1013
01:22:24.000 --> 01:22:30.560
that you guys struggle with in your marriage the most you Benji and you

1014
01:22:30.560 --> 01:22:39.600
Alana and are they different good question for me definitely would be like

1015
01:22:39.600 --> 01:22:46.400
the parental pressure and having kids and just being totally touched out and

1016
01:22:46.400 --> 01:22:50.600
it used to be unsafe atmospheres for sure and it used to be a narcissistic

1017
01:22:50.600 --> 01:22:58.720
husband yeah that wasn't my issue though and stress I mean I feel like the stress

1018
01:22:58.720 --> 01:23:03.200
ties in with all the other ones I didn't have any emotional connection we had no

1019
01:23:03.200 --> 01:23:09.200
money I didn't have family and friend support around your hormones were

1020
01:23:09.200 --> 01:23:12.680
probably all out of whack through pregnancy and breastfeeding there was no

1021
01:23:12.680 --> 01:23:23.600
way she was she didn't have it enough to get bored and keep scrolling sex is evil

1022
01:23:23.600 --> 01:23:29.160
I reckon that it's definitely for me like a subconscious thing I didn't enjoy

1023
01:23:29.160 --> 01:23:37.000
sex whenever he took me on adventures I just cried so she was kind of like nine

1024
01:23:37.000 --> 01:23:41.960
out of ten it was like really really of these things probably nine out of ten of

1025
01:23:41.960 --> 01:23:51.600
them she was really like struggling with and that's the end and now probably a

1026
01:23:51.600 --> 01:23:55.120
store would definitely be hormones for me my hormones about really out of whack

1027
01:23:55.120 --> 01:24:00.120
since having Alia so I know that's something that I need to work on and

1028
01:24:00.120 --> 01:24:07.240
then I'm stress you know just like kids and being tired and preoccupied with

1029
01:24:07.240 --> 01:24:14.440
that I don't feel like the other things are an issue anymore we sort of unsafe

1030
01:24:14.440 --> 01:24:19.480
atmospheres are sort of the narcissistic husband stress is minimized emotional

1031
01:24:19.480 --> 01:24:27.920
connection is way better but the kids are not really it's not chaos you know

1032
01:24:28.280 --> 01:24:37.080
they're just kids as opposed to all young and our sex is less boring it's

1033
01:24:37.080 --> 01:24:47.000
actually a little bit more exciting now than it has ever been yeah and then so

1034
01:24:47.000 --> 01:24:51.080
she's probably enjoying six more not necessarily like your favorite thing in

1035
01:24:51.080 --> 01:24:57.360
the world but still probably enjoying it more than I did more than you did so so

1036
01:24:57.360 --> 01:25:01.920
we are making like

1037
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:07.320
of progress in those all those areas. So for me, what's the

1038
01:25:07.320 --> 01:25:13.880
biggest challenge? I actually feel like our sex life is in a

1039
01:25:13.880 --> 01:25:21.040
real good rhythm at the moment. Like I wouldn't, I wouldn't

1040
01:25:21.040 --> 01:25:26.080
complain if we had more sex and probably like for us might be

1041
01:25:26.080 --> 01:25:29.280
like once a week and then a handjob or something and and

1042
01:25:29.280 --> 01:25:32.840
like massages. She gets a massage and she'll get head

1043
01:25:32.840 --> 01:25:36.640
rubs and things like that. So it changes. That's the thing,

1044
01:25:36.640 --> 01:25:40.760
right? Because sometimes, sometimes Alana is having an

1045
01:25:40.760 --> 01:25:43.760
excitable week, and I will roll with it. He's like, here's what

1046
01:25:43.760 --> 01:25:48.320
I do. I kiss her goodnight. And I always just like linger for a

1047
01:25:48.320 --> 01:25:54.240
moment. But and she's like, what are you doing? Yeah. So

1048
01:25:54.240 --> 01:25:56.640
sometimes she says, What are you doing? And then other times she

1049
01:25:56.640 --> 01:26:01.040
just jams her tongue in my mouth. And I'm like, I know

1050
01:26:01.040 --> 01:26:05.040
exactly what I'm doing. But I never know, right? I never know

1051
01:26:05.040 --> 01:26:08.120
what is going to happen. You know, it could be actually I

1052
01:26:08.120 --> 01:26:10.960
mean, sometimes it's real blatant that she's just not in

1053
01:26:10.960 --> 01:26:16.280
the mood. But this being sometimes Yeah, basically, I

1054
01:26:16.280 --> 01:26:23.680
never know. She controls the tempo of it. And sometimes

1055
01:26:23.680 --> 01:26:27.760
she's just like, not okay. Yeah. And there's no punishment

1056
01:26:27.760 --> 01:26:32.840
either way. So this, there's no pressure on it. So if, if we're

1057
01:26:32.840 --> 01:26:37.040
not having sex, then she's usually like, it'd be a

1058
01:26:37.040 --> 01:26:40.120
minimum, I can usually say, Hey, can we have a handjob? And she

1059
01:26:40.120 --> 01:26:44.960
might say, Yeah, right. Or sometimes I'm just like, Hey,

1060
01:26:44.960 --> 01:26:49.920
babe, just like go to sleep. But here's the thing, right? Um,

1061
01:26:49.920 --> 01:26:55.880
usually, if I go to sleep, and we just leave it, it's like,

1062
01:26:56.760 --> 01:27:00.920
works out good for me later. You know, so it's just like, so

1063
01:27:00.960 --> 01:27:05.200
whereas in the past, if I been keen for some action every

1064
01:27:05.200 --> 01:27:07.400
night, and then not got anything, I would have just

1065
01:27:07.400 --> 01:27:11.400
punished her. So the whole rhythm, like, that's the thing

1066
01:27:11.400 --> 01:27:16.360
is that the whole rhythm of our sex life is different. And

1067
01:27:16.360 --> 01:27:19.760
there's more generosity from both of us. I'm way more

1068
01:27:19.760 --> 01:27:23.000
generous in the sense that if she's not up for anything, then

1069
01:27:23.000 --> 01:27:28.080
I'm like, sweet, all right. And I might laugh about it, and just

1070
01:27:28.080 --> 01:27:33.400
tease her a little bit. But then go to sleep, no, no issues. And

1071
01:27:33.400 --> 01:27:37.640
so there's no pressure on it. And that, and that has made the

1072
01:27:37.640 --> 01:27:41.520
biggest difference to everything is having no pressure and

1073
01:27:41.560 --> 01:27:45.280
actually having no pressure. Yeah.

1074
01:27:46.720 --> 01:27:54.440
Yeah. Yeah. But that that's just lead to this more generosity

1075
01:27:54.440 --> 01:28:00.800
from both of us. So yeah, does that help? Got a response to

1076
01:28:00.800 --> 01:28:02.960
that? Any, any thoughts?

1077
01:28:02.960 --> 01:28:07.280
Do you have? Have you got rid of all expectations been you just

1078
01:28:07.280 --> 01:28:11.360
run with it? This is your test at night.

1079
01:28:13.720 --> 01:28:25.880
Um, so I, um, yeah, I mean, obviously, I'll pretty much

1080
01:28:26.640 --> 01:28:29.080
always give that. I mean, she always gets a kiss goodbye.

1081
01:28:29.080 --> 01:28:32.320
And occasionally, I know I've got a big day the next day, and

1082
01:28:32.320 --> 01:28:34.160
I need to get up early or whatever. And it will just be a

1083
01:28:34.160 --> 01:28:37.600
kiss goodnight, and I won't necessarily linger. But most of

1084
01:28:37.600 --> 01:28:40.320
the time, I'll just linger there for an extra split second. And

1085
01:28:41.200 --> 01:28:43.840
and then she'll just be like, what are you doing? I'm like,

1086
01:28:43.840 --> 01:28:48.120
just kissing you good. I'm just kissing you. Nothing going on

1087
01:28:48.120 --> 01:28:49.720
here. Nothing going on here.

1088
01:28:51.920 --> 01:28:52.320
Yeah.

1089
01:28:52.320 --> 01:28:55.440
So have I mean, I, here's the other thing, right? Here's the

1090
01:28:55.440 --> 01:28:58.400
other thing is that I just I just tell her as well. Like, Oh,

1091
01:28:58.400 --> 01:29:03.200
babe. Because Alana is not good with knowing how long it's been

1092
01:29:03.200 --> 01:29:06.440
since we've had sex, because it always feels like it was last

1093
01:29:06.440 --> 01:29:09.840
night. Yeah, she's always feels like we just had sex. I'm like,

1094
01:29:10.080 --> 01:29:14.280
Oh, so babe, you know, I'm just kissing you. And then she's like,

1095
01:29:14.280 --> 01:29:17.160
Oh, babe, I'm just kissing you. And then she's like, Oh, babe,

1096
01:29:17.160 --> 01:29:19.720
I'm just kissing you. And then she's like, Oh, babe, I'm just

1097
01:29:20.040 --> 01:29:24.440
I'm like, Oh, so babe, you know, it actually has been two weeks

1098
01:29:24.480 --> 01:29:29.200
since we had sex and four hours and 36 minutes and eight

1099
01:29:29.200 --> 01:29:32.680
seconds. That's obviously counting. You know, it's getting

1100
01:29:32.680 --> 01:29:41.320
longer right now. So for Alana and I, I feel like because we

1101
01:29:41.320 --> 01:29:47.200
have a natural rhythm going now, that his expectations have

1102
01:29:47.200 --> 01:29:53.080
changed in that it's not as rigid of like, oh, it's Thursday

1103
01:29:53.080 --> 01:29:57.640
night, it's Saturday night, it's Monday night or whatever. And so

1104
01:29:59.520 --> 01:30:00.040
he's not

1105
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:05.280
going to bed on a Monday and a Thursday and a Saturday or whatever and expecting to get something

1106
01:30:06.000 --> 01:30:12.800
um because we've it's become organic so that's definitely changed but he knows he'll get

1107
01:30:12.800 --> 01:30:22.000
something in a week um and he just tells me if he needs something and I respond accordingly. Go to sleep

1108
01:30:25.120 --> 01:30:26.000
and that's okay

1109
01:30:26.000 --> 01:30:36.400
okay yeah so yeah I feel like um in the past his expectation actually put pressure on me

1110
01:30:36.400 --> 01:30:43.760
to put out and that was negative um whereas now there's not that expectation it just

1111
01:30:43.760 --> 01:30:53.120
happens naturally and it's positive so yeah so that's been I think that was a really big deal

1112
01:30:53.120 --> 01:31:00.320
that the organic things kind of having a bit more of an organic rhythm and it's probably not as

1113
01:31:00.320 --> 01:31:08.560
regular as when we schedule stuff I would say but it's better it's better quality yeah I think we've

1114
01:31:08.560 --> 01:31:16.480
got I think we've got quality and then you know so sometimes it's more and sometimes it's less

1115
01:31:16.480 --> 01:31:22.400
you know like with rather than having the scheduled side of things which we had so our like

1116
01:31:23.680 --> 01:31:30.880
our sex went like this honeymoon woohoo five times in one day best day of my life

1117
01:31:33.040 --> 01:31:34.000
come back from honeymoon

1118
01:31:39.440 --> 01:31:44.480
you know like months at a time with no sex Alana being really depressed and coming up

1119
01:31:44.480 --> 01:31:49.520
with the dumbest reasons ever why tonight wasn't a good night it was just it was never a good night

1120
01:31:50.240 --> 01:31:55.840
um it would be like too windy for sex I don't we lived in a house how can it be too windy for sex

1121
01:31:55.840 --> 01:32:01.680
you know like there's a sound outside it was like babe I think it's the wind knocking the branch

1122
01:32:01.680 --> 01:32:10.160
against the house like oh yeah no not tomorrow um sorry you know so that's how she managed to

1123
01:32:10.160 --> 01:32:18.720
make things stretch for months you know like seven months or so um uh so we had that that kind of

1124
01:32:19.520 --> 01:32:26.960
the kind of drought season and then we had the obligation year where we were trying to do

1125
01:32:26.960 --> 01:32:32.160
scheduled sex and that was just terrible uh and then we had things starting to come back into a

1126
01:32:32.160 --> 01:32:37.520
rhythm and because we were dealing with the root yeah but then we renegotiated set dealt with root

1127
01:32:37.520 --> 01:32:44.480
causes created a better sex expectations negotiated generosity on both sides kind of set that and that

1128
01:32:44.480 --> 01:32:49.280
was like our training wheels to kind of get things back in place for us and then after that we could

1129
01:32:49.280 --> 01:32:55.280
take the training reels off and just kind of cruise and in a sense oh and like you said did

1130
01:32:55.280 --> 01:33:02.240
I drop my expectations yeah in a sense like I just chilled it out you know like I was just like all

1131
01:33:02.240 --> 01:33:08.640
right I don't have this major expectation of what it's going to look like I'm going to chill that

1132
01:33:08.640 --> 01:33:14.720
out um if she's not really in the mood I'm going to totally ask for a handjob if you know like

1133
01:33:15.360 --> 01:33:22.480
if um you know but he'll stop asking at a point where he used to keep asking and asking and asking

1134
01:33:22.480 --> 01:33:28.800
and asking and asking and asking and I would say no 10 times and he would still ask how about now

1135
01:33:28.800 --> 01:33:33.200
yeah exactly and so then you just give in and it was terrible

1136
01:33:37.200 --> 01:33:43.760
and actually in our sex life most of the power is in my hands all the power is in almost all

1137
01:33:43.760 --> 01:33:51.680
the power yeah and right now that's working for us I think it's always been in her hands

1138
01:33:51.680 --> 01:33:58.640
yeah because I'm not a rapist yeah but but you've taken the pressure off and you've actually given

1139
01:33:58.640 --> 01:34:04.160
me the power rather than trying to wrestle it off me all the time yeah I don't try and yeah I'm not

1140
01:34:04.160 --> 01:34:08.320
trying to manipulate it out of you out of your hands yeah there's not a power struggle there

1141
01:34:09.120 --> 01:34:15.680
yeah so yes in a sense oh and I have just dropped the expectations a bunch I still like am I still

1142
01:34:15.680 --> 01:34:20.160
in my head I'm still like yeah I want to have sex at least once a week and probably a handjob

1143
01:34:20.160 --> 01:34:23.840
or something as well if we're not having sex more than once like I'm kind of like I want a couple of

1144
01:34:23.840 --> 01:34:30.240
two or three times a week for something would be ideal for me um but I'm just going to be a little

1145
01:34:30.240 --> 01:34:34.480
bit relaxed about it and sort myself out and if I need to I'll just go and pray like if I need to

1146
01:34:34.480 --> 01:34:39.040
sort myself out it's actually not that difficult to go sweet I'll just put my attention on the

1147
01:34:39.040 --> 01:34:43.680
presence and I'll actually just calm myself down and I'll just get in the glory for a bit you know

1148
01:34:43.680 --> 01:34:49.360
but you also communicate yeah and yeah totally yeah and she's and that's where the generosity

1149
01:34:49.360 --> 01:34:55.360
has become it's become more generous on both sides so she'll look after me um and

1150
01:34:58.160 --> 01:34:59.440
it's better than at 17

1151
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:04.160
yeah it's definitely it's definitely the best now like this season is definitely the best the

1152
01:35:04.160 --> 01:35:08.720
organic season for us is definitely the best and then every now and then i have the have a few weeks

1153
01:35:08.720 --> 01:35:13.680
you have a week where it's like the jackpot week i'm like i did nothing different it's just alana's

1154
01:35:13.680 --> 01:35:21.600
on heat and i'm like i'll cash in yeah a little bit like janice after she's been six months without

1155
01:35:21.600 --> 01:35:31.600
seeing old mate sleep fan hey well let's um unless anyone wanted to chuck anything else in there

1156
01:35:31.600 --> 01:35:36.400
we will bring it in for a landing and wrap it up um let's check if our facebook friends are

1157
01:35:36.400 --> 01:35:48.480
saying anything you're watching the live um but if you guys had any like parting comments this

1158
01:35:48.480 --> 01:35:59.680
is your moment yeah dorothy says i've found that taking regular time to reflect and empathize with

1159
01:35:59.680 --> 01:36:06.560
one another's viewpoint is so helpful and getting on the same page to be negotiated a marriage um

1160
01:36:09.040 --> 01:36:15.280
hey alicia sweet all right cool um well janice why don't we get you to pray for us and we'll

1161
01:36:15.280 --> 01:36:24.160
wrap it up there thank you jesus thank you too benji

1162
01:36:26.880 --> 01:36:34.640
welcome father we just want to thank you right now for this session and how we are all growing

1163
01:36:35.440 --> 01:36:42.320
from glory to glory even in the area of our sexual lives lord and how it's such a beautiful gift that

1164
01:36:42.320 --> 01:36:50.480
you gave us you created it when you created man male and female but we just thank you for it lord

1165
01:36:50.480 --> 01:36:56.480
i pray a blessing on all of these marriages everyone represented here right now and in our

1166
01:36:56.480 --> 01:37:02.720
in the group and others that we know lord father that you would bless them and that you would help

1167
01:37:02.720 --> 01:37:08.960
each and every marriage to come to this beautiful place because you said lord in ephesians 5 that

1168
01:37:09.520 --> 01:37:16.720
the marriage is such a beautiful example of the bride of christ and christ and how much

1169
01:37:16.720 --> 01:37:21.840
you love us and i just pray for that love to just overflow into every marriage lord

1170
01:37:22.480 --> 01:37:28.960
and that every marriage would really begin to flourish and be just that beautiful oasis that

1171
01:37:28.960 --> 01:37:33.920
you want it to be lord and such a beautiful example to those around the people will really

1172
01:37:34.000 --> 01:37:39.920
start saying hey why is your marriage so different what do you guys have that we don't have and it

1173
01:37:39.920 --> 01:37:48.000
will be a tool to bring many many many people to christ and to identity in you oh god in jesus name

1174
01:37:48.000 --> 01:37:58.080
we thank you lord amen amen good stuff and hey we'll bless you um lots of uh lots of love to

1175
01:37:58.080 --> 01:38:03.520
everyone and being cool hanging out so i'll do part three next week yeah cool cool well we'll

1176
01:38:03.520 --> 01:38:09.200
catch you later new zealand will probably be who knows it's uh we won't talk about

1177
01:38:09.200 --> 01:38:13.680
lockdowns right now but see you later everyone bye-bye getcha