WEBVTT

1
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.000
Poor network connection...

2
00:00:02.640 --> 00:00:03.920
Yo!

3
00:00:03.920 --> 00:00:05.920
Hello, I'm here with

4
00:00:06.060 --> 00:00:10.400
Alana today. So for those of you who don't know

5
00:00:11.200 --> 00:00:14.960
my beautiful wife, this is Alana. Hi!

6
00:00:16.780 --> 00:00:18.780
Welcome as well to

7
00:00:19.760 --> 00:00:24.960
The 7 Sacred Pathways to Intimacy Part 4. Ta-da! We've got the whiteboard

8
00:00:24.960 --> 00:00:32.479
mapped out for you, but in this video the best thing that we've got is we've got some, yeah

9
00:00:32.479 --> 00:00:34.240
We've got some great

10
00:00:34.240 --> 00:00:39.920
I've got a great assistant. Actually, she's more like the boss, but not just that we have got some great material

11
00:00:39.920 --> 00:00:43.120
Joanna, my cousin Joanna's on, yeah, yeah

12
00:00:44.440 --> 00:00:49.360
Edward, hey, good to see you guys. Now when you jump on what is always awesome is

13
00:00:50.120 --> 00:00:56.800
Just give me a thumbs up or say yes, I can hear you I can see you just comment and say yep

14
00:00:56.800 --> 00:00:59.880
It's going good. So we know that the audio is going well

15
00:01:00.800 --> 00:01:02.800
you can hear us and

16
00:01:02.960 --> 00:01:08.200
that's why we want to make sure we want to make sure the tech stuff is good and then we are going to launch into

17
00:01:08.200 --> 00:01:09.800
this and

18
00:01:09.800 --> 00:01:13.560
We're going to be talking today about the big three

19
00:01:14.200 --> 00:01:16.200
those are the big three

20
00:01:16.320 --> 00:01:21.560
The biggest three reasons why couples divorce which is

21
00:01:23.200 --> 00:01:30.680
For financial reasons directional reasons and sexual reasons and so we're going to do an overview on this stuff as well

22
00:01:32.120 --> 00:01:37.880
I'm going to pray and then we'll start some story time now as we go as we go

23
00:01:37.880 --> 00:01:42.160
we would love we'll try to answer some questions for you guys as well. So if you've got a

24
00:01:43.120 --> 00:01:46.800
Particular question that you want to ask Alana because I'm on here live in the embassy

25
00:01:47.560 --> 00:01:50.320
Often, but if you want to get some the truth, yeah

26
00:01:50.920 --> 00:01:57.120
Totally if you want to get the truth if you want to go and ask us a specific question about our relationship

27
00:01:58.560 --> 00:02:03.680
Anything we'll give our best shot at answering it. So feel free to ask any awkward questions

28
00:02:05.400 --> 00:02:10.120
There you go, you can you can jam those down it's gonna be great so I'm gonna pray and

29
00:02:10.639 --> 00:02:12.640
And then we're going to get into it but

30
00:02:13.760 --> 00:02:16.000
Trinity we thank you

31
00:02:16.960 --> 00:02:22.840
So much for your pattern that you've given us the blueprint that you've given us for divine

32
00:02:23.680 --> 00:02:25.480
romance and

33
00:02:25.480 --> 00:02:27.660
we just ask right now that this

34
00:02:29.240 --> 00:02:34.840
Explosion of divine love would begin to go off in the hearts of single people and

35
00:02:35.560 --> 00:02:38.160
couples that an explosion of your

36
00:02:38.920 --> 00:02:44.520
Divine love this radical supernatural love would explode inside of us and that that

37
00:02:45.840 --> 00:02:49.000
That divine love would become

38
00:02:49.560 --> 00:02:57.240
Infectious on the inside of us and that would flood our marriages and our relationships and this time together. Amen

39
00:02:58.440 --> 00:03:00.440
Yee-haw, righto guys

40
00:03:00.840 --> 00:03:07.000
If you have been following us in this series on the seven sacred pathways

41
00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:09.160
I just want you to tag and say yep

42
00:03:09.160 --> 00:03:13.960
I've been following and if you've caught one of the sessions part one part two part three

43
00:03:13.960 --> 00:03:17.240
and just type that and what what have you seen so far and

44
00:03:18.400 --> 00:03:23.280
Just chuck in the comments as well. If you're interested, we'd love feedback. So check in the comments. What's been

45
00:03:23.800 --> 00:03:26.120
Valuable so far Mike great to see you

46
00:03:26.640 --> 00:03:28.280
Hi, Karen

47
00:03:28.280 --> 00:03:34.880
Seeing a bunch of you awesome peeps out there. We've got Karen Femi my man Lisa storm

48
00:03:35.360 --> 00:03:38.440
Edward Joanna great to see you guys

49
00:03:39.680 --> 00:03:41.440
all right, so

50
00:03:41.440 --> 00:03:43.440
we should

51
00:03:43.480 --> 00:03:47.040
If a question comes in well, hey Sarah good to see you too

52
00:03:47.760 --> 00:03:52.360
Question comes in we'll do our best to read it on the phone. It's a little bit like a hell

53
00:03:54.360 --> 00:03:56.360
So, yeah, very cool

54
00:03:57.040 --> 00:03:59.040
We

55
00:03:59.560 --> 00:04:04.880
Might just we might just start with a good question and

56
00:04:06.240 --> 00:04:08.920
Ask you guys this question as well

57
00:04:09.760 --> 00:04:11.000
what

58
00:04:11.000 --> 00:04:14.760
What for you love to hear this about you and if you're single

59
00:04:15.760 --> 00:04:21.240
What is and you and you want to get married what for you is the big appeal?

60
00:04:21.240 --> 00:04:27.960
What do you think is the most exciting thing about being married if you're already married, what's the what's the juiciest part?

61
00:04:27.960 --> 00:04:32.680
What's the best part about it? And I'm gonna ask Lana the same thing and then

62
00:04:34.600 --> 00:04:38.540
She can ask me the same thing back sweet so

63
00:04:39.720 --> 00:04:41.600
babe

64
00:04:41.600 --> 00:04:44.360
What's what's the best thing about your marriage?

65
00:04:45.360 --> 00:04:46.880
I have to tell you the truth

66
00:04:46.880 --> 00:04:52.440
Yeah, so what's for you? What's the best thing about marriage the highlight the sweet spot?

67
00:04:52.440 --> 00:04:59.800
I think it's always having someone who's on your side and regardless of what you're going through. You're never going through anything alone

68
00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:05.920
I think for me that's probably the big thing. That and you being an egg. There's never a dull moment.

69
00:05:07.520 --> 00:05:13.280
Excellent, right. So if you've got, as well, if you've got a question. Hey Anna, good to see you.

70
00:05:13.280 --> 00:05:17.920
Kiri, Joy, good to see you guys. If you've got a question that you want one of us to ask the other

71
00:05:18.480 --> 00:05:25.920
then let us know as well. Trevor, good to see you my buddy. Righto babe, your turn.

72
00:05:25.920 --> 00:05:31.200
What's the best thing about being married to me? Oh, best thing. So apart from, you know,

73
00:05:31.200 --> 00:05:34.800
like friends with benefits. Actually she doesn't like me calling her a friend because she's like

74
00:05:34.800 --> 00:05:43.280
I'm way more than just a friend. So best thing about being married to you.

75
00:05:48.080 --> 00:05:54.800
I love, to be honest, I love that it's a journey, you know, it's a dynamic journey

76
00:05:55.600 --> 00:05:58.320
and I love. I'm so thankful it's been ever-changing.

77
00:05:59.840 --> 00:06:01.680
Yeah, well I, and,

78
00:06:04.160 --> 00:06:11.760
uh, what's the, it's, you know, it's, it's the goodness of it but the sense as well that we're

79
00:06:11.760 --> 00:06:16.800
on this great journey and it's getting better and better and there's like, where there's this

80
00:06:16.800 --> 00:06:22.720
momentum. I just love that sense of momentum on our relationship that we're dreaming together,

81
00:06:22.800 --> 00:06:28.640
we're ticking off boxes, we're going on adventures together. Something that I think's amazing, oh,

82
00:06:30.560 --> 00:06:36.560
Ness, good to see you. Yes, totally, benefits to it. Sometimes, we'll talk about that.

83
00:06:38.320 --> 00:06:46.080
So I think that for me, this, it's a sense of being on an adventure together, a sense of going

84
00:06:46.080 --> 00:06:51.440
places together and something that I love about Alana that's flipping amazing is she says yes so

85
00:06:51.440 --> 00:06:59.600
often. Um, let me know if you've got a partner that says yes or a partner that says no, uh, to,

86
00:06:59.600 --> 00:07:04.400
to your ideas, your crazy ideas. Like, I have crazy ideas a lot and so sometimes, like,

87
00:07:05.680 --> 00:07:10.640
like every week, I have crazy ideas, right? Every day. Every day, yes, every day. Can you

88
00:07:10.640 --> 00:07:15.280
tell these guys one of the craziest ideas I've ever had that you've just said, nah, that's ridiculous?

89
00:07:15.280 --> 00:07:23.280
I don't even know. There's so many. Yeah, there's a lot. Usually, I'm his reality check.

90
00:07:23.280 --> 00:07:27.760
He's like, babe, I've got this idea and I'm like, uh, have you thought about this? Have you thought

91
00:07:27.760 --> 00:07:35.520
about that? That's so unrealistic. Yeah, but the funny thing to me is that, um, she says yes

92
00:07:36.080 --> 00:07:41.360
to some crazy as stuff. Like when we've run conferences, we've run conferences multiple

93
00:07:41.360 --> 00:07:46.320
times where, um, I had to say, we've had to together to say a big yes to Jesus because the

94
00:07:46.320 --> 00:07:50.560
conference is going to cost a stack load of money, more money than we have. And we have to say this

95
00:07:50.560 --> 00:07:56.960
big faith yes. And we're like, babe, uh, we've got to risk $50,000 on running this conference.

96
00:07:56.960 --> 00:08:02.000
And she just says, yeah. Or the cool crazy one right now that this is, this is one of the things

97
00:08:02.000 --> 00:08:08.080
that I just love about her is she says yes, is that on the 20th of December, we're literally

98
00:08:08.080 --> 00:08:15.120
leaving our, like our whole world. And we start driving and we've got no idea where we're going.

99
00:08:15.120 --> 00:08:22.320
And I'm like, babe, what do you think about this? And she's like, yes. Uh, Curry's always saying

100
00:08:22.320 --> 00:08:28.960
yes to Jesus is crazy ideas. So anyway, I love that. She's a yes lady. And I love that. Um,

101
00:08:29.680 --> 00:08:35.600
in our relationship, there's momentum and there's so many dreams that are a part of our

102
00:08:35.600 --> 00:08:40.240
conversation. And I think we just talk about dreaming all the time and we work as a team

103
00:08:40.240 --> 00:08:46.720
together. So we're constantly hustling and working together and, um, and just working on that balance

104
00:08:46.720 --> 00:08:51.680
of how we can help bring these dreams that we have, uh, together. So working like working as a team,

105
00:08:51.680 --> 00:08:56.400
that's something that I love. Yeah. That's something I love about us. That's like the

106
00:08:56.400 --> 00:09:02.880
classic snapshot. I'm just like, here's my sentence. And Benji's like, here's my story.

107
00:09:03.120 --> 00:09:11.040
Totally. Um, so babe, then why don't you, uh, introduce the big three for people,

108
00:09:12.880 --> 00:09:15.760
um, which we've talked about a little bit, but for those who haven't been on the journey,

109
00:09:15.760 --> 00:09:23.280
introduce the big three. So the big three, uh, makers or breakers in a relationship are financial.

110
00:09:23.280 --> 00:09:30.800
So obviously money side of things, um, directional where you live. On that note, I just saw on

111
00:09:30.800 --> 00:09:33.920
YouTube. I don't know if you'd be watching it, but it popped up on my screen. So she probably

112
00:09:33.920 --> 00:09:42.160
has been. Um, but there's a show called till debt do us part. Yeah. So till debt do us part. So

113
00:09:42.160 --> 00:09:48.800
that's a big break. Um, directional where you live, where you're going, uh, all of that kind

114
00:09:48.800 --> 00:09:55.840
of thing. And then sexual activities. Sexual. Very nice. Very nice. There's the benefits or

115
00:09:55.840 --> 00:09:59.760
no benefits depending on how things are going. So.

116
00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:09.000
Backstory, we're going to do some backstory. Hey Yvonne, ah ha ha ha, nice to see you.

117
00:10:09.000 --> 00:10:16.000
Kev, good to see you, my man. Charlene, hello, hello. Yvonne, hi.

118
00:10:16.000 --> 00:10:24.000
So, I thought what we'd do now is I've done a bit of our backstory by myself but I thought now we'll just

119
00:10:24.000 --> 00:10:25.000
Get the truth now.

120
00:10:25.000 --> 00:10:34.000
Yeah, yeah, I'll do a reality check, so I'll get Alana in to help you guys with seeing more of our story,

121
00:10:34.000 --> 00:10:42.000
Seeing where the pressure was coming on and I want to like share with you about our greatest pressure points

122
00:10:42.000 --> 00:10:49.000
In our marriage, which are totally the big three but there's always reasons behind the big three.

123
00:10:49.000 --> 00:10:53.000
So I want to share with you guys some of the backstory, some of the reasons behind our big three

124
00:10:53.000 --> 00:11:00.000
And also our most awkward conversation. So that's where we're going to go, that's one of the things we're going to talk about

125
00:11:00.000 --> 00:11:06.000
Our most awkward conversation and I'd love to hear from you guys, what are your most awkward conversations?

126
00:11:06.000 --> 00:11:14.000
I see Monica, yeah totally. So what's in your relationship, what's your most awkward conversation

127
00:11:14.000 --> 00:11:22.000
Or most painful, most pressurised conversation that you have, like not just one time but it's that conversation

128
00:11:22.000 --> 00:11:27.000
That happens over and over and over again. I'd love to know what that is for you.

129
00:11:27.000 --> 00:11:31.000
Majority of the time they fit in under the big three somewhere.

130
00:11:31.000 --> 00:11:37.000
So, we're going to go back in time, I think people like a backstory, so we're going to go back in time

131
00:11:38.000 --> 00:11:46.000
And some of our stories are funny and some of our stories are not funny, it's like ouch, that's a lot of pain

132
00:11:46.000 --> 00:11:57.000
And so we'll just see what happens. But these seven sacred pathways are represented here

133
00:11:57.000 --> 00:12:00.000
We've got them represented in this little diagram for you

134
00:12:00.000 --> 00:12:10.000
So there's spiritual as number one, and then emotional number two, intellectual number three

135
00:12:10.000 --> 00:12:26.000
We've got sensual as number four, and then financial and directional and sexual as number seven

136
00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:31.000
So all of those things play a massive part on how much pressure is on your relationship

137
00:12:31.000 --> 00:12:39.000
And each of those areas put a huge amount of momentum either towards connection or towards disconnection

138
00:12:39.000 --> 00:12:49.000
And I think you guys can relate to this, you can relate to the fact that if there's pressure in your marriage

139
00:12:49.000 --> 00:12:57.000
Towards disconnection, this person that you love can be the most awkward and difficult relationship in your life

140
00:12:57.000 --> 00:13:05.000
And I think I just want to start saying that as well as a covering statement

141
00:13:05.000 --> 00:13:10.000
Is that our marriage has been flipping sweet, there's been so many good things that we've done

142
00:13:10.000 --> 00:13:15.000
Our kids are amazing, our health has been relatively fantastic

143
00:13:15.000 --> 00:13:18.000
We've been on crazy adventures all around the world together

144
00:13:18.000 --> 00:13:22.000
We get to take our family travelling all around the world

145
00:13:22.000 --> 00:13:29.000
We have had so much sweetness and so much fun and just constant adventure

146
00:13:29.000 --> 00:13:32.000
And so many dreams and good things happening and coming true

147
00:13:32.000 --> 00:13:35.000
So I just want to make a covering statement that our marriage has been amazing

148
00:13:35.000 --> 00:13:37.000
Oh I see a bit of action coming in here

149
00:13:37.000 --> 00:13:42.000
Actually a bit of all three

150
00:13:42.000 --> 00:13:44.000
You jostle till it's running well

151
00:13:44.000 --> 00:13:47.000
Boom, very good, Jesus is the centre, that helps, yep totally

152
00:13:47.000 --> 00:13:52.000
Curry used to be the holidays

153
00:13:52.000 --> 00:13:58.000
I love Nessa's comment, that's hilarious

154
00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:00.000
I love what you've done there

155
00:14:00.000 --> 00:14:02.000
Hey Fee, Carla, good to see you guys

156
00:14:03.000 --> 00:14:08.000
So I'd say for us it's probably been 90-95% good

157
00:14:08.000 --> 00:14:12.000
But there's been that 5-10% where we've been stuck

158
00:14:12.000 --> 00:14:16.000
And that 5-10% has caused a disproportionate amount of pain

159
00:14:16.000 --> 00:14:20.000
That's right and that's why we have here the stress silo

160
00:14:20.000 --> 00:14:22.000
Which is like a nuclear thing

161
00:14:22.000 --> 00:14:26.000
So we're going to talk about the stress silo as well

162
00:14:26.000 --> 00:14:39.000
So babe when we got married, what was the most difficult thing about being married to a long haired weirdo?

163
00:14:39.000 --> 00:14:41.000
Where do I start?

164
00:14:41.000 --> 00:14:43.000
Way longer hair

165
00:14:43.000 --> 00:14:47.000
I think for me the initial pain was, I was in TR now

166
00:14:47.000 --> 00:14:50.000
I'd come down here for a gap year

167
00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:53.000
I expected to leave

168
00:14:54.000 --> 00:14:59.000
I thought I knew what I was getting myself into

169
00:14:59.000 --> 00:15:01.000
And then we got married

170
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:08.800
And the reality hit of, I'm in Te Anau, I don't have any friends, my family's not here, I'm on my own.

171
00:15:08.800 --> 00:15:11.600
That's the big D, that's directional for you.

172
00:15:11.600 --> 00:15:17.800
And as time progressed, I realised more and more I didn't want to be here.

173
00:15:17.800 --> 00:15:25.800
Okay, which is awkward because I was feeling 100% that we were supposed to be here.

174
00:15:25.800 --> 00:15:29.000
Like 100%, 100%.

175
00:15:29.000 --> 00:15:31.600
Hey Z, good to see you.

176
00:15:31.600 --> 00:15:36.000
So Alana's like, I want to be near my friends and my family.

177
00:15:36.000 --> 00:15:38.800
And she's got a huge network of friends and family,

178
00:15:38.800 --> 00:15:44.200
and none of them of her organic network were actually here, apart from me.

179
00:15:44.200 --> 00:15:49.200
So I was like the ball in her chain, you know.

180
00:15:49.200 --> 00:15:51.200
So that was a big one for us.

181
00:15:51.200 --> 00:15:56.400
How many times do you think we had awkward, painful conversations about that,

182
00:15:56.400 --> 00:16:00.000
where you were crying and I was left there, powerless to do anything?

183
00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:04.400
I don't even know. A lot. Multiple times a week.

184
00:16:04.400 --> 00:16:08.000
A lot of times where it's like...

185
00:16:08.000 --> 00:16:12.200
So, give you a bit of an idea about Te Anau, like how much Te Anau meant for me.

186
00:16:12.200 --> 00:16:20.000
From the time I was 17, I directed all of my passion and energy towards living here.

187
00:16:20.200 --> 00:16:26.200
That was my dream. From the time I was 17, God spoke to me really clearly about Fiordland and being here.

188
00:16:26.200 --> 00:16:30.000
And so I was like, boom. I did all my training around that.

189
00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:32.800
I did all my dreaming around that.

190
00:16:32.800 --> 00:16:37.600
I invested myself 100% in being here in Fiordland and...

191
00:16:37.600 --> 00:16:38.600
Then you married me.

192
00:16:38.600 --> 00:16:42.200
I married her, and I was so, so happy to be here,

193
00:16:42.200 --> 00:16:44.200
because I'd been working towards it for eight years.

194
00:16:44.200 --> 00:16:47.800
I'm like, yes, finally I get to be here.

195
00:16:47.800 --> 00:16:51.400
Within 18 months of me actually being here, we were married.

196
00:16:51.400 --> 00:16:53.400
And then I'm like, yes, I'm finally here.

197
00:16:53.400 --> 00:16:54.600
And she was like...

198
00:16:54.600 --> 00:16:57.000
And I think that fed into my tension,

199
00:16:57.000 --> 00:17:01.200
because I knew that this was the only place he wanted to be,

200
00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:03.200
and that God had called him here.

201
00:17:03.200 --> 00:17:07.800
And almost, who was I to oppose that?

202
00:17:07.800 --> 00:17:11.599
Oh, so I got some really good advice.

203
00:17:11.599 --> 00:17:14.599
And I think I've shared this before, if you followed along all of it.

204
00:17:14.599 --> 00:17:16.000
Oh, Monica.

205
00:17:16.000 --> 00:17:20.200
Yep, she can relate to being separated from fam.

206
00:17:20.200 --> 00:17:22.200
Is that...

207
00:17:22.200 --> 00:17:26.400
To me, this was my dream of dreams.

208
00:17:26.400 --> 00:17:28.400
And...

209
00:17:29.400 --> 00:17:31.600
Thanks. See that there still?

210
00:17:31.600 --> 00:17:34.800
So this was my dream of dreams.

211
00:17:34.800 --> 00:17:41.200
And I felt like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna have to sacrifice that to keep Alana...

212
00:17:41.200 --> 00:17:43.200
Because I wanted to. Not because I was like,

213
00:17:43.200 --> 00:17:45.400
oh, Alana, I wasn't bummed out about that.

214
00:17:45.400 --> 00:17:47.600
I was just like, she's not trying to make a problem.

215
00:17:47.600 --> 00:17:49.600
This is just the reality of her heart.

216
00:17:49.600 --> 00:17:51.200
She's just being real.

217
00:17:51.200 --> 00:17:54.600
And so, I had this massive, deep,

218
00:17:54.600 --> 00:17:56.600
and not very often tearful,

219
00:17:56.600 --> 00:17:59.800
but I was right in the deepest part of me, conversation with God.

220
00:17:59.800 --> 00:18:01.600
And I was like, okay, God, I'll lay it down.

221
00:18:01.600 --> 00:18:04.200
Because I had a conversation with someone once who said,

222
00:18:04.200 --> 00:18:06.000
God can get anyone to be a pastor.

223
00:18:06.000 --> 00:18:07.600
He can get anyone to be a revivalist.

224
00:18:07.600 --> 00:18:12.200
He can get anyone to do what I'm doing.

225
00:18:12.200 --> 00:18:16.800
But he can't get anyone else to be a husband to my wife.

226
00:18:16.800 --> 00:18:19.200
And he can't get anyone else to be a father to my kids.

227
00:18:19.200 --> 00:18:21.200
So I was like, babe, I want to prioritize you.

228
00:18:21.200 --> 00:18:26.000
And I want you to always know that of all the dreams that I've got,

229
00:18:26.000 --> 00:18:27.200
you're the priority.

230
00:18:27.200 --> 00:18:29.200
And so you've got the trump card.

231
00:18:29.200 --> 00:18:32.400
The moment you say we have to shut things down,

232
00:18:32.400 --> 00:18:36.200
even though I couldn't, I really couldn't rationalize or conceive

233
00:18:36.200 --> 00:18:38.400
how we could even do that, you know?

234
00:18:38.400 --> 00:18:41.400
Because I was so fully invested in what we're doing.

235
00:18:41.400 --> 00:18:43.600
But I was like, you're the trump card.

236
00:18:43.600 --> 00:18:46.200
You're the priority card.

237
00:18:46.200 --> 00:18:48.000
You're my number one dream.

238
00:18:48.000 --> 00:18:49.600
And so I put that to her.

239
00:18:49.600 --> 00:18:52.600
And how was that when I made that really, really clear?

240
00:18:52.600 --> 00:18:57.800
It did really help, actually, that he kind of finally understood what it was.

241
00:18:57.800 --> 00:19:03.600
But at the same time, it would take something pretty serious in a way

242
00:19:03.600 --> 00:19:05.400
for me to be like, okay, I'm done.

243
00:19:05.400 --> 00:19:09.800
Let's go, knowing that this is where you wanted to be.

244
00:19:09.800 --> 00:19:10.600
Yeah.

245
00:19:10.600 --> 00:19:13.600
So I just prayed a lot, like, God, can we leave?

246
00:19:13.600 --> 00:19:19.600
Yeah, so she always said, we won't go unless God says.

247
00:19:19.600 --> 00:19:23.200
So yeah, so that was a big deal.

248
00:19:23.200 --> 00:19:24.800
And now God has said.

249
00:19:24.800 --> 00:19:27.000
Yeah, so anyway, he said go.

250
00:19:27.000 --> 00:19:29.000
He hasn't told us where to go, so who knows?

251
00:19:29.000 --> 00:19:31.000
We don't know much at all about our future.

252
00:19:31.000 --> 00:19:32.600
So that's why that was an easy yes for me.

253
00:19:32.600 --> 00:19:34.800
Yeah, so for us right now in our marriage right now,

254
00:19:34.800 --> 00:19:38.600
that pressure that we've had for nearly 10 years is no longer there.

255
00:19:38.600 --> 00:19:43.200
So since that decision was made, we haven't had one teary conversation about that.

256
00:19:43.200 --> 00:19:49.000
Instead, those teary conversations have been replaced with this crazy sense of adventure.

257
00:19:49.000 --> 00:19:50.600
Like, oh my gosh, where are our lives going?

258
00:19:50.600 --> 00:19:52.000
This is crazy!

259
00:19:52.000 --> 00:19:57.600
And I think on that, I kind of resigned myself to the fact that I was here

260
00:19:57.600 --> 00:19:59.000
and I was okay with it.

261
00:19:59.000 --> 00:20:02.000
And, you know, I was starting to feel a little bit more comfortable.

262
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:05.120
to develop friends and having kids in school and that kind of thing helped but I didn't realise

263
00:20:05.120 --> 00:20:14.480
how deep that tension still ran until like Benji, until it lifted and you noticed a big change eh?

264
00:20:14.480 --> 00:20:21.680
Yeah totally. I noticed a massive change. More humping. What? Um and just like being relaxed in

265
00:20:21.680 --> 00:20:28.240
every area and like how I relate to the kids, how I relate to Benji, just being more calm in general.

266
00:20:28.240 --> 00:20:33.840
Yeah yeah totally so that removing that pressure because this this over here the directional that

267
00:20:33.840 --> 00:20:38.160
was putting a huge amount of pressure on our relationship. But I didn't even realise how

268
00:20:38.160 --> 00:20:44.560
much pressure that was putting on me on every single area. Totally. And like when it's pushing

269
00:20:44.560 --> 00:20:55.920
in here that circle is pushing in on everything. Yeah totally so um we we looked at uh in part

270
00:20:55.920 --> 00:21:02.080
three last week so you just excuse the look it's like part three last week looked at spiritual,

271
00:21:02.080 --> 00:21:09.440
emotional, intellectual, how they all jive together and spiritual by far I think is the

272
00:21:09.440 --> 00:21:16.560
biggest deal on this. So this is this is where some of our this is probably to be honest I think

273
00:21:16.560 --> 00:21:24.160
this um is actually our hardest our hardest challenge. I think it's always the root. Yeah.

274
00:21:24.240 --> 00:21:28.480
Everything else. I totally totally agree so if you didn't get to check out part three check that

275
00:21:28.480 --> 00:21:33.120
out because the spiritual dynamic of how that influences your life because it shapes your

276
00:21:33.120 --> 00:21:39.200
identity and your like your identity shapes your state of being it dictates your emotions and your

277
00:21:39.200 --> 00:21:47.760
emotions uh dictate so much so just your spiritual dynamic is just crazy. So if I just go back in

278
00:21:47.760 --> 00:21:51.840
time we'll share some of this because this is this is going to go into actually the most painful part

279
00:21:51.840 --> 00:21:57.760
of our journey where we've I think we've cried we've shared the most pain and put the most effort

280
00:21:57.760 --> 00:22:06.880
for challenging you know results is in the spiritual area um because before we met how

281
00:22:06.880 --> 00:22:13.040
about you just talk about just the kind of seer dynamic of your life like from being a kid. So

282
00:22:13.040 --> 00:22:19.840
right from young um people would walk into a room or I would go somewhere and I would see kind of

283
00:22:19.840 --> 00:22:25.280
like pictures over them with my eyes open and know stuff about them that I shouldn't know and

284
00:22:25.280 --> 00:22:31.440
that kind of thing which was really out of the normal for me because I've grown up in a very

285
00:22:31.440 --> 00:22:39.600
religious background and so I knew that I wasn't like everyone else in that respect but um from

286
00:22:39.600 --> 00:22:45.600
that kind of keeping that to myself and then going through into um experiencing other forms of

287
00:22:45.600 --> 00:22:55.520
Christianity um I think that just really blossomed me into seeing stuff feeling stuff all the time.

288
00:22:55.520 --> 00:22:59.120
I don't know you can probably explain it better than I can. Okay like a couple of a couple thoughts

289
00:22:59.120 --> 00:23:03.920
it would be nothing for Alana to walk into a room and prophesy over every single person who was there

290
00:23:03.920 --> 00:23:10.880
effortlessly like organically just prophesy uh like she was reading the newspaper over every

291
00:23:10.880 --> 00:23:16.240
person in a room or be the person that is like open you're like with the eyes open going oh the

292
00:23:16.240 --> 00:23:22.160
angels are over here and there's demons all over here and um and like hearing audible sounds of

293
00:23:22.160 --> 00:23:27.120
things in the spiritual realm so the spiritual yeah just I suppose open-eyed visions in a way

294
00:23:27.120 --> 00:23:32.800
yeah totally so Alana for this for Alana which is crazy because she grew up in a dutch reformed

295
00:23:32.800 --> 00:23:38.400
church where like the supernatural was shut down like crazy but there she is as a kid just walking

296
00:23:38.400 --> 00:23:43.280
like a seer and that's the that's the chick that I uh I always knew and related to is this chick who

297
00:23:43.280 --> 00:23:49.360
was like basically like a seer and I was like oh my gosh who's this hardcore chick maybe one day

298
00:23:49.360 --> 00:23:59.840
I can be like her like she's like a spiritual ninja to me yeah um so then um so I was involved

299
00:23:59.840 --> 00:24:07.600
working in a ministry and um while I was there a lot of crazy things happened and definitely got

300
00:24:07.920 --> 00:24:14.160
emotionally burnt out physically burnt out from working like six to seven days a week from 6 a.m

301
00:24:14.160 --> 00:24:21.440
in the morning till 11 p.m at night um spiritually abused working with um very authoritative men

302
00:24:21.440 --> 00:24:27.920
and me being young um immature in a way female how old were you when you started that I was started

303
00:24:27.920 --> 00:24:40.400
probably 17 18 um and left when I was 22 I think to come down here 21 22 um and yeah so when I by

304
00:24:40.400 --> 00:24:47.520
the time I was finished with that ministry I was done done um just at the bottom of of every tank

305
00:24:48.720 --> 00:24:54.560
into the negative bottom of the barrel and knew that my capacity was to sit and watch birds out

306
00:24:54.560 --> 00:24:59.840
the window which was part of the reason I came here was to escape the pressures of having to

307
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:03.480
get a job going to the church because I still live with my parents that was the

308
00:25:03.480 --> 00:25:09.400
expectation all those types of pressures because I knew my capacity was to sit on

309
00:25:09.400 --> 00:25:13.740
the couch and watch birds out the window. Which was crazy for me because when she

310
00:25:13.740 --> 00:25:19.120
was in her ministry role which is you know I knew her for years when she's in

311
00:25:19.120 --> 00:25:27.640
that ministry role she was just a ninja leading hundreds of kids to Jesus you

312
00:25:27.640 --> 00:25:31.200
know just all that supernatural stuff going on and just a like an absolute

313
00:25:31.200 --> 00:25:36.520
superstar and hundreds of people were like and she led this amazing tribe of

314
00:25:36.520 --> 00:25:41.600
people she was like one of the key catalytic charismatic leaders of that

315
00:25:41.600 --> 00:25:44.840
whole thing and it's like the relationships that were forged back in

316
00:25:44.840 --> 00:25:47.760
those days like over a decade ago they're still tight you know like we

317
00:25:47.760 --> 00:25:51.560
would still die for each other those relationships like if we turn up and see

318
00:25:51.560 --> 00:25:55.240
each other people in those relationships and of the ministry that she was leading

319
00:25:55.240 --> 00:26:02.560
it's just like whoa it was that it was next level yeah so what I don't think

320
00:26:02.560 --> 00:26:07.080
you fully realize like there was a few I was hanging on by a few strings and then

321
00:26:07.080 --> 00:26:13.080
when I left I just crashed yeah it was kind of almost like a bouncing crash in

322
00:26:13.080 --> 00:26:17.760
terms of how things happen so so we're getting together in this time that I was

323
00:26:17.760 --> 00:26:23.200
not really fully realizing the extent of how bad she was. Don't mind you. Yeah totally we're both kind of like

324
00:26:23.360 --> 00:26:31.280
waking up to the devastation of the of the impact of that really like traumatic

325
00:26:31.280 --> 00:26:39.280
season that you went through and so I guess I might have shared about this

326
00:26:39.280 --> 00:26:42.400
among the other ones but there was a moment there we've had our honeymoon

327
00:26:42.400 --> 00:26:46.480
we're back at our house it's kind of maybe a couple of weeks into our

328
00:26:46.480 --> 00:26:51.400
marriage and I walk into the I walk into the lounge and Lana you know the

329
00:26:51.400 --> 00:26:57.800
superstar rock star ministry leader chick is just sitting on the couch

330
00:26:57.800 --> 00:27:05.840
crying like just like like what's going on she was like just looking depressed

331
00:27:05.840 --> 00:27:11.560
and for me I'm like if you're a husband and your wife looks depressed the only

332
00:27:11.560 --> 00:27:16.600
rational conclusion is that you're a total loser yeah you've got to fix this

333
00:27:16.600 --> 00:27:21.360
because obviously you know like this you're married to this lady and

334
00:27:21.360 --> 00:27:26.360
anyway it was really confusing it was really intense and yeah like Lana's

335
00:27:26.360 --> 00:27:31.760
saying I was like oh we better fix this and so my scenario for her to so give a

336
00:27:31.760 --> 00:27:36.160
little bit more of the story as well as all of that rock star supernatural

337
00:27:36.160 --> 00:27:41.280
dynamic the seer gift that she'd walked in in her whole life and you know that

338
00:27:41.280 --> 00:27:46.600
seer gift it wasn't just about what she was seeing it was an effortless intimacy

339
00:27:46.600 --> 00:27:52.640
it was just an effortless organic natural intimacy that she walked in with

340
00:27:52.640 --> 00:27:58.520
God that I was so jealous of it I was like oh my gosh that's amazing she just

341
00:27:58.520 --> 00:28:01.960
effortlessly organically walked in it without even anyone ever talking to her

342
00:28:01.960 --> 00:28:07.920
about it was just who she was always it was just like you know for her it was as

343
00:28:07.920 --> 00:28:13.440
natural as having an arm you know that dynamic of her and slowly what started

344
00:28:13.440 --> 00:28:19.560
to happen is we started to realize that that dynamic that that whole thing had

345
00:28:19.560 --> 00:28:29.120
been crushed to pretty much to death so so that's where she is like that

346
00:28:29.120 --> 00:28:34.880
superstar rock star chick has been through so much trauma in the context of

347
00:28:34.880 --> 00:28:40.400
the ministry that boom it's like it's it was kind of like a death blow was dealt

348
00:28:40.400 --> 00:28:44.920
but it's slowly it was like an animal and like an animal kind of getting shot

349
00:28:44.920 --> 00:28:50.200
and like staggering away and slowly like eventually kind of bleeding out and then

350
00:28:50.200 --> 00:28:55.160
just one day collapsing in the moment that I I walked into the lounge that day

351
00:28:55.160 --> 00:28:58.080
and it was kind of almost like the moment that I realized like she was like

352
00:28:58.080 --> 00:29:07.200
she just kind of collapsed on the couch I was like oh I see him so then I'm like

353
00:29:07.200 --> 00:29:13.400
oh my gosh we're gonna fix this my brilliant idea was babe right let's let's

354
00:29:13.400 --> 00:29:16.680
just start praying in tongues right now so I'm kind of like yeah this is gonna

355
00:29:16.680 --> 00:29:19.880
work right now like come on baby let's just like let's just press through this

356
00:29:19.880 --> 00:29:24.480
let's just like watch I let's get a breakthrough anointing on wow come on I

357
00:29:24.480 --> 00:29:28.400
cool down I know my she kiara no matter and I'm like holding her on the couch

358
00:29:28.400 --> 00:29:42.040
I'm like yeah let's cool it up my she kiara no matter. If I had the energy I would have punched him in the face. I just look over and she just looks at me and just starts crying and it was at that moment it was at that moment

359
00:29:42.040 --> 00:29:50.280
suddenly I had this realization that my idea wasn't quite working out how I planned

360
00:29:50.280 --> 00:29:54.760
yeah I didn't fully understand that to be honest I was like what's going on I

361
00:29:54.760 --> 00:30:01.680
couldn't couldn't get my head around you not being the rock star that

362
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.080
I'd marry, you know, because in my head I just married a rock star and I came out of like,

363
00:30:04.080 --> 00:30:07.120
it's like going back backstage and finding out they were lip-syncing.

364
00:30:09.360 --> 00:30:13.040
It wasn't like that, it was just like, oh my gosh, and I had no idea how to process

365
00:30:14.320 --> 00:30:20.000
what was happening. I didn't either, I had no idea what was going on. I was looking back

366
00:30:20.560 --> 00:30:27.440
at who I was to where I was now and not understanding what had happened to get me

367
00:30:27.440 --> 00:30:33.680
to where I am. That took years of unravelling to be able to label things in a way to understand.

368
00:30:33.680 --> 00:30:42.640
Yeah, and I panicked. I panicked and I just, I just went into prayer and fasting, like

369
00:30:42.640 --> 00:30:47.120
prayer and fasting was where it was at for me for, for years, just trying to

370
00:30:48.000 --> 00:30:52.800
save Alana. You know, like trying to, trying to rescue Alana, trying to, like out of love,

371
00:30:52.880 --> 00:30:59.440
trying to help her, but I'm like, oh my gosh, what? Like, I didn't know what to do with a

372
00:30:59.440 --> 00:31:04.000
broken, I don't know what to do with a broken wife. When your capacity is greatly reduced,

373
00:31:05.600 --> 00:31:10.160
and you know, especially in the spiritual, when that capacity is low, there's no capacity to

374
00:31:10.160 --> 00:31:17.680
hold anything else. So things like being here in Te Anau were far more devastating to me than if

375
00:31:17.680 --> 00:31:23.840
spiritually I was full. Rockstar levels. Yeah. You were gone from rockstar levels to like...

376
00:31:25.680 --> 00:31:31.680
Wim. I know. It's not pretty. So, so boom, on that side of things, so spiritually,

377
00:31:31.680 --> 00:31:37.040
she's like wiped out and I'm panicking, not knowing how to fix my broken wife.

378
00:31:40.080 --> 00:31:46.560
Emotionally as well, where were you at, like, emotionally? I don't think I had any emotional

379
00:31:46.560 --> 00:31:52.480
capacity because I was just trying to get myself through the day. Yeah. So pretty much. It's not

380
00:31:52.480 --> 00:32:00.400
that I didn't even care about you. I just had no space. Yeah. But if we met, if we met you,

381
00:32:00.960 --> 00:32:05.600
where you were then now, we would probably just have diagnosed you as depressed. Oh, heck yeah.

382
00:32:05.600 --> 00:32:12.640
Yeah. Uh oh, here I am trying to be a spiritual ninja revivalist and my wife is depressed. And

383
00:32:13.280 --> 00:32:17.840
as a husband, when something's going down with your wife, like so much of it, you...

384
00:32:17.840 --> 00:32:23.760
And then to add a pressure, I'm married to Benji. Woo! Yes! Spiritual watcher! Watcher! Watcher!

385
00:32:23.760 --> 00:32:31.840
Everybody expects me to be in the same kind of space. Mystical Trinitarian revivalist! Watcher!

386
00:32:31.840 --> 00:32:40.000
Come on. Yeah. So spiritually, she's wiped out. Emotionally, she's wiped out.

387
00:32:40.720 --> 00:32:46.080
We, and here's something that I want to ask you guys. Where is your biggest winning area? You

388
00:32:46.080 --> 00:32:50.800
know, like, because this, these are some of our real tough conversations, tough areas, but where

389
00:32:50.800 --> 00:32:56.080
for you in your relationship is your Trump, like where's your Trump card? What's your strong suit

390
00:32:56.080 --> 00:33:00.720
in these areas? Where is it that you're just like, you are crushing it, like you're a billionaire or

391
00:33:00.720 --> 00:33:08.560
you're like, I'm essential, you're like a masseuse. Or, you know, where is the strong suit for you

392
00:33:08.560 --> 00:33:13.440
in your relationship where you're like, you nail it? So for us, the thing that really, honestly,

393
00:33:13.440 --> 00:33:18.080
we were talking about this the other day, eh? Like, how much impact do you think the intellectual

394
00:33:18.080 --> 00:33:26.320
emotion... I think the intellectual saved us because we had really good tools for communication

395
00:33:26.320 --> 00:33:33.040
and we had, we just had really good tools for relationships through the work that we've done.

396
00:33:33.040 --> 00:33:40.320
And we really invested ourselves into that before. And I think that because we had that,

397
00:33:40.320 --> 00:33:45.440
it stopped every tank from being empty. And that kind of was our crutch that carried us through.

398
00:33:45.440 --> 00:33:50.960
And I honestly think if we didn't, if we didn't have that, we wouldn't be sitting here nearly 10

399
00:33:50.960 --> 00:33:57.680
years later. Yeah. If we couldn't communicate, which there were definitely times when we

400
00:33:57.680 --> 00:34:03.520
struggled to communicate, but we were always open to communication, we definitely would have just

401
00:34:04.160 --> 00:34:08.880
failed. And I'll just chuck something else in there about our relationship and just about who

402
00:34:08.880 --> 00:34:15.520
we are as people, is that we've got this radical sense of adventure. And even when Alana... We could distract ourselves.

403
00:34:16.639 --> 00:34:21.679
Distract ourselves from it. Totally. So even when we were like, Alana's burnt out, emotionally wiped out,

404
00:34:22.239 --> 00:34:27.440
we've got this, we've always had this radical sense of adventure. So it's like, babe,

405
00:34:27.440 --> 00:34:32.639
let's go to Africa! Not fully understanding at the time what that meant. It was like, let's go to Africa

406
00:34:32.639 --> 00:34:37.120
for three months and then, and then let's go to Thailand and then let's go to another part of

407
00:34:37.120 --> 00:34:42.000
Africa. Let's just, let's go for these adventures and let's, let's go hunting, let's climb a mountain,

408
00:34:42.000 --> 00:34:48.960
let's go fishing in Milford. And I do think my sense of adventure, like my capability to express joy and

409
00:34:48.960 --> 00:34:58.080
happiness was greatly reduced, but that... This is your happy place, right? Yeah. Totally. Yeah. So in the midst of

410
00:34:58.080 --> 00:34:59.840
all these things, we're still like...

411
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:05.800
There's still some serious winning going down, and we're still having great adventures, so that's really, really helping

412
00:35:05.800 --> 00:35:09.000
It's helping us get some good experience

413
00:35:09.000 --> 00:35:16.000
We never took antidepressants or anything, but the sense of adventure was probably the thing that

414
00:35:16.000 --> 00:35:18.000
I probably would have been prescribed them if I'd

415
00:35:18.000 --> 00:35:22.000
Yeah, if you'd gone to a doctor, but we were too scared to do that

416
00:35:22.000 --> 00:35:23.000
It just wasn't on our radar

417
00:35:23.000 --> 00:35:24.000
Yeah, it wasn't on our radar

418
00:35:24.000 --> 00:35:26.000
It was more energy than I had to express

419
00:35:26.000 --> 00:35:31.000
Totally, so intellectual boom, that was a saver, but that was dry

420
00:35:31.000 --> 00:35:37.000
So for me in that time as well, really, really working through orphan mindsets

421
00:35:37.000 --> 00:35:41.000
and a sense of disconnection with God, and a sense of inadequacy

422
00:35:41.000 --> 00:35:45.000
and constant performance-based acceptance

423
00:35:45.000 --> 00:35:51.000
and honestly, guys, get some, like, I want to do a plug for the School of Sonship

424
00:35:51.000 --> 00:36:00.000
Get Sonship training in your life, because it can destroy all the orphan stuff, which is just crazy

425
00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:03.000
Which, maybe I'll talk about that now as well

426
00:36:03.000 --> 00:36:10.000
So this is a crazy, ridiculous dynamic, because we're still on this journey

427
00:36:10.000 --> 00:36:14.000
I'll come back to that, so let me ask you about sensual

428
00:36:14.000 --> 00:36:17.000
Where were things at sensually in our relationship?

429
00:36:17.000 --> 00:36:18.000
Zero

430
00:36:18.000 --> 00:36:20.000
What do you mean? I'm all about touch

431
00:36:20.000 --> 00:36:26.000
I'm a touchy guy, how could you be at sensual? How could that be low, when I'm so touchy?

432
00:36:26.000 --> 00:36:33.000
Because for us, for Benji, the only touch that existed was sexual touch

433
00:36:33.000 --> 00:36:35.000
So if I was to hold his hand

434
00:36:35.000 --> 00:36:36.000
Yeah, let's do that

435
00:36:36.000 --> 00:36:40.000
Like this, or put my hand on his shoulder, rub his back, whatever

436
00:36:40.000 --> 00:36:43.000
That was permission for sex

437
00:36:43.000 --> 00:36:46.000
That was it, that was permission

438
00:36:46.000 --> 00:36:49.000
It wasn't just that it was permission, it was just that I knew what that meant

439
00:36:49.000 --> 00:36:56.000
I was like, I have these certain set of skills, and I could interpret what that meant

440
00:36:56.000 --> 00:37:00.000
Well that's what I thought I could do, I thought I could interpret what that meant

441
00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:05.000
But actually, I found out later that my radar was way off, and that's not what should be happening

442
00:37:05.000 --> 00:37:11.000
So for me, the sensual was what should have been safe touch, touch that didn't need to lead anywhere

443
00:37:11.000 --> 00:37:19.000
Touch just for like, because you're my husband, I can put my hand on your leg, that doesn't need to go anywhere

444
00:37:19.000 --> 00:37:24.000
I was thinking it should

445
00:37:24.000 --> 00:37:30.000
And you know, it's like massages and cuddles and things like that, that they're just purely sensual

446
00:37:30.000 --> 00:37:37.000
So that, for Benji, meant that there was, and for me, that there was just no touch at all

447
00:37:37.000 --> 00:37:38.000
Not completely

448
00:37:38.000 --> 00:37:39.000
Pretty much

449
00:37:39.000 --> 00:37:43.000
It was like, Alana had this secret code that I could never interpret

450
00:37:43.000 --> 00:37:49.000
And some days, it was like, woohoo, and I'm like, yes, totally

451
00:37:49.000 --> 00:37:56.000
And then other days, I thought I was doing everything right, and it wasn't working in terms of getting me sex

452
00:37:56.000 --> 00:38:02.000
And it would mean I would read into everything, like I would have a cuddle, like Benji would give me a cuddle when he comes home

453
00:38:02.000 --> 00:38:04.000
And I'd be like, hang on, what do you want?

454
00:38:04.000 --> 00:38:06.000
I'm just trying to be sensual

455
00:38:06.000 --> 00:38:09.000
Actually, I didn't really know too much about the sensual dynamic

456
00:38:09.000 --> 00:38:12.000
Yeah, that was an area that was just, we had no idea about at all

457
00:38:12.000 --> 00:38:13.000
Yeah

458
00:38:13.000 --> 00:38:14.000
Didn't exist

459
00:38:14.000 --> 00:38:17.000
How about financial, what was the pressure like for you there?

460
00:38:17.000 --> 00:38:19.000
Come on, like

461
00:38:19.000 --> 00:38:21.000
We had no finances

462
00:38:21.000 --> 00:38:27.000
Surely I was like, I was working hard, wasn't I bringing in the moolah, making you happy with the money?

463
00:38:27.000 --> 00:38:34.000
So, I would hate to calculate how many hours Benji has worked in the last 10 years

464
00:38:34.000 --> 00:38:39.000
Because he's probably worked 80 hours a week on average

465
00:38:39.000 --> 00:38:41.000
Maybe, maybe 70

466
00:38:41.000 --> 00:38:43.000
70 hours a week on average

467
00:38:43.000 --> 00:38:45.000
Or maybe 65, maybe 65

468
00:38:45.000 --> 00:38:47.000
A lot, a lot of hours

469
00:38:47.000 --> 00:38:53.000
And for the first, it wasn't until we had Esra, so we would have been married, what, 3 years?

470
00:38:53.000 --> 00:38:57.000
That I put my foot down to try and get some kind of income

471
00:38:57.000 --> 00:38:59.000
Because, here's the thing, I was chasing a dream

472
00:38:59.000 --> 00:39:02.000
And had this big sense of adventure and this big faith dynamic

473
00:39:02.000 --> 00:39:05.000
I'm like, God's going to provide, and he did, he did provide

474
00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:09.000
We never went hungry, like groceries would turn up on our doorstep

475
00:39:09.000 --> 00:39:13.000
It was a real time of miraculous provision

476
00:39:13.000 --> 00:39:17.000
But that doesn't make the finances any easier when you've got bills

477
00:39:17.000 --> 00:39:18.000
Yeah

478
00:39:18.000 --> 00:39:22.000
And Benji's not earning anything, I'm too stuffed to earn anything

479
00:39:22.000 --> 00:39:27.000
I did have a part time job, sometimes that would kind of like help get us through

480
00:39:27.000 --> 00:39:30.000
But there was no finances to speak of

481
00:39:30.000 --> 00:39:35.000
Yeah, but we had a credit card which had, the limit on the credit card was way too big

482
00:39:35.000 --> 00:39:36.000
We've changed that

483
00:39:36.000 --> 00:39:37.000
I just wanted to chop it up

484
00:39:37.000 --> 00:39:41.000
But, yeah, when you've got $2000 plus down on the credit card

485
00:39:41.000 --> 00:39:44.000
And you're like, ahhhh

486
00:39:44.000 --> 00:39:48.000
Because, I was working as a full time volunteer

487
00:39:48.000 --> 00:39:51.000
Doing ministry stuff, trusting God, awesome adventure

488
00:39:51.000 --> 00:39:54.000
And we were in debt on our needs, like our basic needs

489
00:39:54.000 --> 00:39:58.000
Yeah, but that was really, really killing us financially

490
00:39:58.000 --> 00:40:00.000
So that was a huge, huge pressure

491
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:06.560
and then directional we've already talked about that and so babe with all of this awesome world

492
00:40:06.560 --> 00:40:10.080
that I've helped you create how sexy did you normally feel on one to ten?

493
00:40:10.800 --> 00:40:18.240
Minus 10. Minus 10 so you're at minus 10 sexiness. I think I had no capacity because I was trying to

494
00:40:18.240 --> 00:40:24.960
get myself through the day I've got no capacity to give anything to keep you going too. I got

495
00:40:25.680 --> 00:40:32.880
that was beyond like his needs were beyond my comprehension. Yeah totally so

496
00:40:34.480 --> 00:40:38.080
so that's hopefully for you guys it's just helping create a bit of a picture

497
00:40:38.080 --> 00:40:43.840
so then this on this diagram we've got external pressures as well for all the other different

498
00:40:43.840 --> 00:40:49.760
external types of things that you you've got going on for me spiritually I had those

499
00:40:50.560 --> 00:40:56.000
orphan paradigms but I was making real like crazy progress in my life my spiritual journey

500
00:40:56.000 --> 00:41:02.320
was going through the roof it was exploding like so much was happening with God it was crazy

501
00:41:02.320 --> 00:41:10.560
um still still is like this it's like this crazy God eventually glory to glory on steroids and we're

502
00:41:10.560 --> 00:41:15.840
seeing miracles and here's the craziest thing right here's the craziest thing because we didn't

503
00:41:15.840 --> 00:41:20.560
just sit back and go oh well stuff God we're like we're abandoning you God that's it you don't

504
00:41:20.560 --> 00:41:28.400
have us no we did we went uh like over time on working trying to find traveled the world trying

505
00:41:28.400 --> 00:41:34.800
to find solutions for seeing everybody we thought we could possibly see to get prayed for and

506
00:41:34.800 --> 00:41:42.000
counseled and to try and resurrect this dynamic it was like just like it was like Alana's arm

507
00:41:42.000 --> 00:41:46.080
had been cut off you know all her legs had been cut off with this well it was my life supply yeah

508
00:41:46.080 --> 00:41:51.280
it was totally like your spiritual is what's going to breathe life into the emotional and we always

509
00:41:51.280 --> 00:42:00.160
knew that the core thing behind the emotional uh you know depletion and that emotional pain

510
00:42:00.160 --> 00:42:06.480
was the fact that the spiritual dynamic had just like it's like it's just gone you know like your

511
00:42:06.480 --> 00:42:16.080
legs have been cut off so bizarre and like and all around us we're praying for people for what I

512
00:42:16.080 --> 00:42:23.200
want and they're getting it they're getting it so easy it's crazy all right so we're still on this

513
00:42:23.200 --> 00:42:30.000
journey right I have I have no idea how many people we've seen this breakthrough for and we haven't

514
00:42:30.000 --> 00:42:37.280
yet uh seen it for Alana we're still literally like limping you know like struggling for Alana

515
00:42:37.280 --> 00:42:42.640
not because we want to not because of lack of effort not because of even not necessarily even

516
00:42:42.640 --> 00:42:47.600
terrible like bad theology like we've got good mindsets and good theology around this it's just

517
00:42:47.600 --> 00:42:51.920
something crazy weird bizarre that we don't understand and to me this is probably one of

518
00:42:51.920 --> 00:42:58.000
them like it's easier for me to talk to you about sex and tell you about a sex life than it is for

519
00:42:58.000 --> 00:43:04.640
me to talk to you about this because in my world right like the people that I hang out with and the

520
00:43:04.640 --> 00:43:09.600
places that I get to go and speak like there's spiritual ninjas and giants all over the place

521
00:43:09.600 --> 00:43:15.520
and it's so like it's so bizarre to me it's like oh my gosh I can't believe it you know

522
00:43:15.520 --> 00:43:19.600
we're getting invited to go and speak and travel and do all these awesome things and see all these

523
00:43:19.600 --> 00:43:25.440
breakthroughs for so many people and then at home it's like my hand is broken you know like okay

524
00:43:26.080 --> 00:43:32.000
you know like we're not getting it and we totally trust God in in this journey you know like there's

525
00:43:32.000 --> 00:43:39.600
so much happening that's of value we definitely don't understand why it's the way it is but it

526
00:43:39.600 --> 00:43:44.160
is the way it is and we always you know keep on pressing so but this is definitely for me

527
00:43:45.200 --> 00:43:51.600
uh the hardest thing to process in our lives is that this lady who used to be just so much of a

528
00:43:51.600 --> 00:43:59.920
of a seer open eyes seeing angels hearing audible supernatural things effortlessly walking in intimacy

529
00:44:02.240 --> 00:44:05.760
we're still we're still processing this and working this out I'll definitely say that

530
00:44:05.760 --> 00:44:11.360
we're making we've definitely made progress and we've gone like crazy I know so many people we've

531
00:44:11.360 --> 00:44:17.920
had pray for us and deep like counseling sessions like guys this is where it's at like help us

532
00:44:17.920 --> 00:44:24.080
we've had deliverance ministries come out in the name of Jesus and we have you might not have been

533
00:44:24.080 --> 00:44:28.000
able to remember all of them but I can tell you some of the people and part of this was my memory

534
00:44:28.000 --> 00:44:34.880
is completely shot yeah but you know we go to uh spend nearly three months in Africa with Ron and

535
00:44:34.880 --> 00:44:41.040
Heidi Baker and we're like best mates with Nancy Cohen and hang out with so many other amazing like

536
00:44:41.040 --> 00:44:46.240
Norm and Matt and all these other spiritual ninjas and that that we're hanging out with all the time

537
00:44:46.240 --> 00:44:53.200
and getting Dave Riddell for my birthday yeah so anyway so still this is still for us the

538
00:44:53.760 --> 00:44:57.680
biggest pressurized area but I wouldn't say would you say it's pressurized at the moment

539
00:44:57.680 --> 00:44:59.280
would you say it's just like something we're like

540
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:08.400
I would just say it's a flat spot on our wheel that, you know, as it's turning, it's kind of kudunk, kudunk, but the pain, I don't feel like there's any pain in it anymore.

541
00:45:08.400 --> 00:45:15.500
No, so it's not like we've made no progress, it's been huge progress from where we were to where we are now.

542
00:45:15.500 --> 00:45:19.500
We just haven't had the breakthrough that we're looking for.

543
00:45:19.500 --> 00:45:28.500
Not yet to the degree, so we're still after that, still hustling for that, but I'm confident that when this comes, like, be, like, watch out,

544
00:45:28.500 --> 00:45:38.500
because when she gets her, like, SIA gift back and that whole thing, like, cracks open like crazy, you better, like, watch out for this lady, she's crazy.

545
00:45:38.500 --> 00:45:49.500
Um, so, for me, emotions, had some rejection, little bit of rejection stuff, not too much, probably got worse since we've been married.

546
00:45:50.500 --> 00:45:55.500
Because if there's anybody that can push his buttons and bring out any of his issues, it's me.

547
00:45:55.500 --> 00:46:08.500
So, if he has a small rejection button when we get married, anything that I do that he perceives as pushing that button is going to pressurise him far more than it ever has before.

548
00:46:08.500 --> 00:46:15.500
So, I thought he, I think he thought he worked on his rejection stuff until we got married.

549
00:46:16.500 --> 00:46:18.500
Yep, totes, totes.

550
00:46:18.500 --> 00:46:20.500
And then this happened a few times.

551
00:46:20.500 --> 00:46:28.500
Yeah, so, this is the stress silo, and so we don't just have these seven pathways to navigate in our relationships and to watch out for in our relationships.

552
00:46:28.500 --> 00:46:39.500
We've also got all these external pressures, so kids, lack of sleep, health, family and friends, or, you know, just all these other crazy dynamics.

553
00:46:39.500 --> 00:46:46.500
And on that, those could come between us and divide us, or they could come around us and we could face them together.

554
00:46:46.500 --> 00:47:06.500
Something that was like a cool system for us that we've really worked hard on, and sometimes it's been really hard to do this when we've felt this pressure, or when we've been in the middle of an awkward conversation and we feel it kind of tearing us apart,

555
00:47:06.500 --> 00:47:16.500
is we've worked really, really hard to face everything together, you know, so that the issues aren't inside.

556
00:47:16.500 --> 00:47:26.500
We always work hard to make sure that the pressures are external rather than internal, and stand back to back and work through them together.

557
00:47:26.500 --> 00:47:40.500
So, let me just kind of summarize this picture. So Alana's totally burnt out, I've got some orphan issues, she's like spiritually burnt out, emotionally burnt out, plus I'm kind of freaking out that she's so burnt out.

558
00:47:40.500 --> 00:47:51.500
Intellectually is our strong suit, so we've got good communication styles, and that was something that if you're not married yet, or even if you are, you can get the easiest win out of this area.

559
00:47:51.500 --> 00:48:07.500
This is the easiest area to win because you can just read a book. That's so much easier to get that type of breakthrough in the intellectual area. Read a book, go to a course, do some training, get Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk, read the book, do the audio book, do workbooks, whatever.

560
00:48:07.500 --> 00:48:26.500
Get those skills down. Danny Silk is a genius, so get those Keep Your Love On skills down, communication, boundary settings, healthy relationships, and then if you don't know Dave Riddell, who's a real legend in our nation, he's got some banging tips for you in your relationships.

561
00:48:26.500 --> 00:48:45.500
So we'll talk about how Dave Riddell really helped us too, but he really helped us in this area in a totally game-changing way that ended up taking the pressure off this stuff like crazy. So sensual, I was kind of ignorant to her sensual needs, so she was never getting it, so she kind of liked touch, but she is more in the sensual...

562
00:48:45.500 --> 00:49:03.500
Well no, I didn't like touch at all. You would have liked sensual touch if I understood sensual touch, but I wasn't giving you that, so because I was all about sexual all the time, touch in general became like, let's just kind of leave it until this mystical moment happened.

563
00:49:03.500 --> 00:49:24.500
I was like planets, like I see Mark Gunger, yeah he's hilarious, he's one of the funniest dudes ever on this stuff. So for us the sex thing was just like these mystical planets had to align and I could never control that, which was really frustrating, like crazy frustrating.

564
00:49:24.500 --> 00:49:51.500
Then finances, working full-time as a volunteer, raising lots of money for ministries and other things like that, but never bringing anything home. And then directional, Alana, struggling like crazy on that front. So ladies if that was you, I asked this last time, but how sexy would you be feeling on a 1 to 10 scale, how sexy would you be feeling if this was your world?

565
00:49:51.500 --> 00:49:59.500
So babe, what was kind of like the breakthrough, like how did things happen for us to come out of this where there's so much pressure on us?

566
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:06.240
tearing us apart what because like in the midst of that like in the right in the heart of all

567
00:50:06.240 --> 00:50:12.400
that we we end up having kids and you know you've just breastfed for like five years

568
00:50:13.600 --> 00:50:18.240
so what's the question so how did we start making tracks out of this how do we start

569
00:50:19.200 --> 00:50:24.480
like how did the pressure start coming off how do we start um making like turning these to

570
00:50:24.480 --> 00:50:30.160
our allies instead of our enemies and having them moving towards connection for us rather

571
00:50:30.160 --> 00:50:36.000
than disconnection when when the external pressures are getting greater yeah because

572
00:50:36.000 --> 00:50:40.880
our external pressures are greater now than they've ever been um i think a huge amount of it

573
00:50:40.880 --> 00:50:50.160
was time for for me and um sort of it's been an 11-ish year journey of coming out of burnout

574
00:50:50.720 --> 00:50:56.720
um and i'm still not there but time has greatly helped in that um i think this intellectual side

575
00:50:56.720 --> 00:51:04.320
of stuff has saved us we've had the same flippant conversations so many times it's driving me crazy

576
00:51:04.320 --> 00:51:12.800
but we always had it i like that used to because we haven't had that conversation for a long time

577
00:51:12.800 --> 00:51:18.640
and i think along the way while having that conversation we would talk about that conversation

578
00:51:18.640 --> 00:51:25.120
we would talk to people and um maybe get little bits here and there that would help us move

579
00:51:25.120 --> 00:51:30.720
forward it's been a really slow process yeah um but we've always been willing to

580
00:51:31.440 --> 00:51:39.600
carry on that process and we're never just like okay that's it um yeah and i do think

581
00:51:40.640 --> 00:51:45.200
so this this area here gave us a massive breakthrough i do think too like there's a

582
00:51:45.200 --> 00:51:52.000
whole another level for me of relaxation about all of this benji's quit his job at the end of

583
00:51:52.000 --> 00:52:00.960
the year um we've you know like on leaving here has actually greatly released the pressure on this

584
00:52:00.960 --> 00:52:07.920
we like income wise job security wise all of that kind of stuff doesn't even bother me anymore i'm

585
00:52:08.000 --> 00:52:13.360
just so relaxed about it um i think partly because this directional thing for me

586
00:52:14.640 --> 00:52:19.120
has completely evaporated yeah totally so

587
00:52:21.520 --> 00:52:25.760
yeah this is a great kind of moment for you guys to take a take a bit of a thought for you where's

588
00:52:25.760 --> 00:52:34.000
the um where is the pressure coming from and in judo they always try and use their enemy's momentum

589
00:52:34.000 --> 00:52:38.960
or their opponent's momentum against them um where's where's the greatest pressure coming for

590
00:52:38.960 --> 00:52:46.400
you in your relationship and is there a way for you to get low hanging fruit for us we have really

591
00:52:47.280 --> 00:52:55.200
like sometimes out of literal desperation um gone after tools because sometimes one of your

592
00:52:55.200 --> 00:53:00.880
best motivators is pain like if you for us sometimes literally that's been the best

593
00:53:00.880 --> 00:53:05.760
motivator you might like in your relationship you might need to actually go and see a counselor

594
00:53:05.760 --> 00:53:10.640
that might be what you need it might be what you need before you get married if you're still single

595
00:53:10.640 --> 00:53:15.120
or it might not even be that your relationship's in a real bad place but if you want it to take

596
00:53:15.120 --> 00:53:19.840
it to the next level and this is something that i'm really got a really growing passion about is

597
00:53:19.840 --> 00:53:24.800
that relationships aren't designed just to be struggling like the blueprint that we've been

598
00:53:24.800 --> 00:53:32.240
given is john 17 22 which is all about this uh jesus says you know i have given them the same

599
00:53:32.240 --> 00:53:37.840
glory that the father gave me that they may be one as we are one and this blueprint of extreme

600
00:53:37.840 --> 00:53:44.880
divine romance is the blueprint for uh marriage union it's the blueprint of oneness and for me

601
00:53:44.880 --> 00:53:48.880
this is the exciting journey you know sense of adventure that sense of we're going somewhere

602
00:53:48.880 --> 00:53:54.000
we're dreaming together we're constantly working uh towards something is what the dream for me is

603
00:53:54.000 --> 00:54:00.080
that we get to turn this this graph of our relationship our relationship gets to become

604
00:54:00.080 --> 00:54:06.480
every day more and more momentum towards this extreme divine romance and like it's bliss it's

605
00:54:06.480 --> 00:54:11.440
ecstasy it's awe it's wonder and to me that that dream that picture of what our relationship

606
00:54:12.240 --> 00:54:17.040
can be is like that's worth fighting for that's worth investing for that's worth sacrificing for

607
00:54:17.040 --> 00:54:23.120
uh you know it's just like wow this is not like a small dream you know this is one of the core

608
00:54:23.120 --> 00:54:28.400
central dreams of my life and my my desire is like oh my gosh this is this i want this so much

609
00:54:28.400 --> 00:54:34.560
that's probably a good question for you to ask um as well on a priority side of things

610
00:54:35.280 --> 00:54:41.200
where is divine romance for you on a in in your life when you've got we've got all these

611
00:54:41.200 --> 00:54:46.640
priorities if you had just to give it you know like a 1 to 10 rating 10 being top priority

612
00:54:47.360 --> 00:54:53.840
uh you know one being lowest priority where is this dynamic of having a relationship that

613
00:54:53.840 --> 00:54:59.200
mirrors divine romance where is that on a 1 to 10 scale for you i think for me that would be on 10

614
00:54:59.760 --> 00:55:00.260
like

615
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:03.120
Which is why we kept having this conversation, I think

616
00:55:03.120 --> 00:55:07.400
and like for us, we were stuck majorly on the sexual thing

617
00:55:07.400 --> 00:55:09.880
and in the beginning it was painful

618
00:55:09.880 --> 00:55:13.480
but as the years went on it got more and more painful

619
00:55:13.480 --> 00:55:16.200
and like as we grind that sore spot

620
00:55:16.200 --> 00:55:17.680
the wound was getting bigger

621
00:55:17.680 --> 00:55:22.680
so if you can get help, get help

622
00:55:23.320 --> 00:55:25.320
because that's the type of thing

623
00:55:25.320 --> 00:55:27.480
where the wound will get so big it won't heal

624
00:55:27.480 --> 00:55:29.120
and it will fall apart.

625
00:55:29.160 --> 00:55:31.960
Yeah, the big three, financial, directional, sexual.

626
00:55:31.960 --> 00:55:34.680
Yeah, so, stitch in time.

627
00:55:35.760 --> 00:55:36.920
Stage nine.

628
00:55:36.920 --> 00:55:40.800
So, this was the classic thing for us.

629
00:55:40.800 --> 00:55:43.320
Here's like a, I'm gonna just blow my nose

630
00:55:43.320 --> 00:55:44.200
for a second there.

631
00:55:44.200 --> 00:55:46.160
Why don't you talk to them and introduce them

632
00:55:46.160 --> 00:55:48.560
to our most awkward conversation

633
00:55:48.560 --> 00:55:50.400
that we've had over and over again?

634
00:55:50.400 --> 00:55:54.480
Like how did it start and what goes down?

635
00:55:54.480 --> 00:55:58.080
So basically, Benji's not getting sex.

636
00:55:58.080 --> 00:55:59.800
He wants it, I don't wanna give it

637
00:55:59.800 --> 00:56:04.800
is probably the, just in its most basic form

638
00:56:05.320 --> 00:56:09.440
and so we're going in the cycle of him wanting sex,

639
00:56:09.440 --> 00:56:11.800
me not wanting to give it, him wanting sex,

640
00:56:11.800 --> 00:56:12.960
me not wanting to give it,

641
00:56:12.960 --> 00:56:14.720
me dreading going to bed at night

642
00:56:14.720 --> 00:56:17.360
because we're gonna have that conversation again

643
00:56:17.360 --> 00:56:21.240
and just going round in circles, not getting anywhere

644
00:56:21.240 --> 00:56:24.560
and Benji wanting to fix it

645
00:56:24.560 --> 00:56:27.560
and me wanting to be heard and understood

646
00:56:27.560 --> 00:56:30.560
and neither of us getting our needs met

647
00:56:30.560 --> 00:56:32.400
and him not getting his needs met.

648
00:56:32.400 --> 00:56:34.240
So, he's not meeting my needs.

649
00:56:34.240 --> 00:56:35.440
My needs not getting met.

650
00:56:35.440 --> 00:56:37.160
So, I'm not meeting his needs

651
00:56:37.160 --> 00:56:39.800
and probably a little bit of stuff you

652
00:56:39.800 --> 00:56:41.240
in each of our attitudes.

653
00:56:41.240 --> 00:56:42.240
What's that?

654
00:56:43.240 --> 00:56:44.080
I don't know.

655
00:56:44.080 --> 00:56:45.080
Do you guys know what that is?

656
00:56:45.080 --> 00:56:46.440
No, that's a vicious circle.

657
00:56:48.560 --> 00:56:51.760
Okay, so, I just wanna share something with you as well

658
00:56:51.760 --> 00:56:56.600
about the emotional intellectual process of that for me

659
00:56:56.600 --> 00:56:59.560
about this conversation is I am,

660
00:56:59.560 --> 00:57:02.320
I, a storm, that's cool,

661
00:57:03.320 --> 00:57:06.240
doing housework is a major aphrodisiac.

662
00:57:06.240 --> 00:57:10.360
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

663
00:57:10.360 --> 00:57:14.440
So, one of the conversation,

664
00:57:14.440 --> 00:57:16.640
one of the reasons for this conversation was met with

665
00:57:16.640 --> 00:57:21.400
for me was we have a decision of whether or not

666
00:57:21.400 --> 00:57:25.120
we're gonna punish each other in our relationships

667
00:57:25.120 --> 00:57:27.680
and for me, one of the ways

668
00:57:27.680 --> 00:57:31.560
that I could have punished Alana was to shut down

669
00:57:31.560 --> 00:57:34.040
and not tell her how I'm feeling.

670
00:57:34.040 --> 00:57:37.280
So, for Alana, one of the most painful things

671
00:57:37.280 --> 00:57:38.760
for us was the same conversation

672
00:57:38.760 --> 00:57:40.000
because I would be like,

673
00:57:40.000 --> 00:57:41.880
okay, babe, we gotta talk about this

674
00:57:41.880 --> 00:57:43.280
and at least let's have some understanding.

675
00:57:43.280 --> 00:57:44.840
Let's just chat it through

676
00:57:44.840 --> 00:57:49.840
and so, I would relentlessly bring up the conversation

677
00:57:50.240 --> 00:57:52.240
and just talk about how I was feeling.

678
00:57:52.240 --> 00:57:53.840
So, she hated that conversation

679
00:57:53.840 --> 00:57:56.280
but for me, it was a real,

680
00:57:56.280 --> 00:57:58.640
I mean, this might just be a personal thing for me

681
00:57:58.640 --> 00:58:02.520
but for me, if I was in this place

682
00:58:02.520 --> 00:58:05.280
where one part of me wanted to punish her

683
00:58:05.280 --> 00:58:07.120
for not giving me what I wanted

684
00:58:07.120 --> 00:58:09.080
and then this other part of me was like,

685
00:58:09.080 --> 00:58:11.000
no way, I don't wanna punish her

686
00:58:11.000 --> 00:58:12.840
and so, I'm not gonna shut her out.

687
00:58:12.840 --> 00:58:13.800
I'm not gonna push her away.

688
00:58:13.800 --> 00:58:16.240
I'm gonna choose vulnerability

689
00:58:16.240 --> 00:58:18.200
and I'm gonna choose some of the tools

690
00:58:18.200 --> 00:58:20.160
that we learned here about communication

691
00:58:20.160 --> 00:58:22.920
and I'm just gonna give her,

692
00:58:22.920 --> 00:58:24.000
I'm just gonna let her know,

693
00:58:24.000 --> 00:58:24.920
I'm gonna let her in

694
00:58:24.920 --> 00:58:26.000
and so, that was something for me

695
00:58:26.000 --> 00:58:28.120
that I just really had this desire

696
00:58:28.120 --> 00:58:29.360
to never punish her

697
00:58:29.360 --> 00:58:31.600
to make sure that I really, really tried hard

698
00:58:31.600 --> 00:58:32.440
not to punish her

699
00:58:32.440 --> 00:58:34.000
even if I felt like punishing her

700
00:58:35.120 --> 00:58:38.160
with like, by initiating separation,

701
00:58:38.160 --> 00:58:41.400
even separation that she might not be aware of.

702
00:58:41.400 --> 00:58:42.680
I was just like, I don't wanna punish.

703
00:58:42.680 --> 00:58:43.800
I don't wanna separate.

704
00:58:43.800 --> 00:58:45.320
I don't wanna disconnect

705
00:58:45.320 --> 00:58:47.320
and shut my heart down, shut my feelings down.

706
00:58:47.320 --> 00:58:49.640
I felt like that would be a really slippery slope

707
00:58:49.640 --> 00:58:50.720
if I started going,

708
00:58:51.720 --> 00:58:52.960
I'm not gonna open up with you.

709
00:58:52.960 --> 00:58:54.920
I'm not gonna be vulnerable with you

710
00:58:54.920 --> 00:58:55.760
and to be honest,

711
00:58:55.760 --> 00:58:57.920
that was really, really painful for me

712
00:58:57.920 --> 00:59:00.800
to put away my desire to punish her

713
00:59:00.800 --> 00:59:04.280
and to choose to be really vulnerable

714
00:59:04.280 --> 00:59:07.720
but then have her not interested in the conversation

715
00:59:07.720 --> 00:59:08.560
because I was kind of like,

716
00:59:08.560 --> 00:59:10.720
ah, you don't understand what this is costing me

717
00:59:10.720 --> 00:59:13.480
because that was really painful.

718
00:59:14.520 --> 00:59:15.360
It was really good

719
00:59:15.360 --> 00:59:16.680
and I'm glad that we did that.

720
00:59:16.680 --> 00:59:18.000
I think what I've realized too

721
00:59:18.000 --> 00:59:19.600
is that Benji is a fighter

722
00:59:19.600 --> 00:59:21.200
and I'm a freezer.

723
00:59:21.200 --> 00:59:23.600
So, he would be like fighting

724
00:59:23.600 --> 00:59:26.280
and his fighting was to enter into this conversation

725
00:59:26.280 --> 00:59:27.480
where I was freezed,

726
00:59:27.480 --> 00:59:30.360
where I just literally not say anything.

727
00:59:30.360 --> 00:59:32.280
Most frustrating thing in the world.

728
00:59:32.280 --> 00:59:35.640
Because I didn't have anything new to say

729
00:59:35.640 --> 00:59:38.960
and I would know if I said this,

730
00:59:38.960 --> 00:59:40.880
this would be his rote response.

731
00:59:40.880 --> 00:59:43.960
Like, it was almost like it was...

732
00:59:43.960 --> 00:59:44.960
Her prophetic gift came through.

733
00:59:44.960 --> 00:59:46.720
A drama.

734
00:59:46.720 --> 00:59:48.200
And it was scripted.

735
00:59:48.200 --> 00:59:51.040
Like, I knew exactly how the conversation was gonna go,

736
00:59:51.040 --> 00:59:52.520
so why have it?

737
00:59:52.520 --> 00:59:54.920
Ah, and I was like,

738
00:59:54.920 --> 00:59:56.840
babe, it's about the process.

739
00:59:56.840 --> 00:59:59.520
It's about me being really vulnerable with you

740
00:59:59.520 --> 01:00:00.360
and not being...

741
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:05.360
met by you looking at me blankly and so that was crazy for me that conversation was just

742
01:00:05.360 --> 01:00:11.360
grinding on that wound making that wound more painful and probably for you too yeah totally so

743
01:00:11.360 --> 01:00:19.440
fast forward because we actually got some really tall good tools that helped win on it and like

744
01:00:19.440 --> 01:00:26.400
i can't underestimate the value of negotiation in your marriage so where did things start happening

745
01:00:26.400 --> 01:00:32.560
for us we had some good stuff on this intellectual stuff but we start we you know talked to

746
01:00:32.560 --> 01:00:37.840
counselors you know we were talking to like spiritual ninjas we're talking to counseling

747
01:00:37.840 --> 01:00:44.240
people um we're learning heaps about emotional stuff we were actually we're constantly learning

748
01:00:44.240 --> 01:00:47.280
in our relationship and i want to say that's something that's really important as well in

749
01:00:47.280 --> 01:00:52.240
your relationship is that you've got to invest in it like that it's like there's so much to it that

750
01:00:52.320 --> 01:00:56.880
man you could train you could get like a degree in being married before you got married

751
01:00:56.880 --> 01:01:04.240
you know so um yeah i think we were constantly talking to people um especially for me on the

752
01:01:04.240 --> 01:01:09.920
spiritual side of things but because everything's so connected if you get one little bit of

753
01:01:09.920 --> 01:01:16.160
breakthrough in one area it's breakthrough for another area um so because we were always wanting

754
01:01:16.160 --> 01:01:22.640
to move forward uh especially in like the spiritual emotional intellectual side we were

755
01:01:22.640 --> 01:01:29.600
always picking up little things even subconsciously that was helping this area so like for me i don't

756
01:01:29.600 --> 01:01:35.840
have any big moments of this happened or these were the steps we took i feel like through gaining

757
01:01:35.840 --> 01:01:40.640
tools there was a gradual unwinding yeah totally i mean it's all about it's all about the pressure

758
01:01:40.640 --> 01:01:45.360
so interestingly even though our external pressure started getting greater and we went

759
01:01:45.360 --> 01:01:51.040
through i don't know like five years of hardly getting any sleep with the kids um even though

760
01:01:51.040 --> 01:01:55.600
we've had the external pressures getting better the internal getting harder the internal pressures

761
01:01:55.600 --> 01:02:00.400
have been getting better because we've taken these boxes off just by like that daily investing

762
01:02:00.400 --> 01:02:04.960
into the relationship and we've made progress in the financial area as well which really helps

763
01:02:05.520 --> 01:02:12.240
um yeah like well yeah we actually we have we've made a stack of we've made a stack of progress in

764
01:02:12.240 --> 01:02:17.360
the financial area which just releases the tension you know so um and then again the

765
01:02:17.360 --> 01:02:25.280
directional thing releasing the tension um but just on the whole um intellectual side of things

766
01:02:25.280 --> 01:02:29.840
it's some tools it's helped the sexual area and also one we just discovered about the value of

767
01:02:29.840 --> 01:02:37.520
having a sensual relationship so there's no expectation of sex yeah totally so um question

768
01:02:37.520 --> 01:02:44.480
for question for you guys do you have you got a sensual relationship let's talk about your

769
01:02:44.480 --> 01:02:48.880
sensual relationship you never hear anyone say hey tell me about your sensual relationship

770
01:02:49.920 --> 01:02:55.760
and because we talk about the five love languages and touch and within a marriage i feel like that

771
01:02:55.760 --> 01:03:03.520
touch is always to do with the sex and for us in the beginning it was and so for me touch was

772
01:03:03.520 --> 01:03:09.040
never safe and always my lowest love language like i would say all the other love languages

773
01:03:09.040 --> 01:03:14.000
but touch wouldn't be on my radar at all but discovering that sensual has meant i actually

774
01:03:14.000 --> 01:03:21.200
do enjoy touch within a certain parameter and that parameter is when there's no expectation

775
01:03:21.280 --> 01:03:27.120
place on that touch totally and so that you're like meeting nailing this area

776
01:03:30.720 --> 01:03:34.560
so just you know just really stewarding our sensual relationship it's going to really set

777
01:03:34.560 --> 01:03:40.160
you up for just a healthier better um sexual relationship as well so we've just been able

778
01:03:40.160 --> 01:03:47.120
to find okay cool some great intellectual stuff here uh oh guys look guys let me give you the

779
01:03:47.120 --> 01:03:56.640
the easiest tip to get your wife to take her top off fast all right so you if you want uh now i'm

780
01:03:56.640 --> 01:04:02.720
pretty sure that guys want to know this because if you want a tip for the fastest way to get your

781
01:04:02.720 --> 01:04:09.600
wife to take her top off right is to go and ask her if she'd like a massage and for me that's

782
01:04:09.600 --> 01:04:14.080
definitely the fastest way to get Lana to take her top off i'm like boom hey babe you want a

783
01:04:14.080 --> 01:04:20.480
massage it's like whoa whoa clothes will start coming off it's awesome so tonight actually Lana's

784
01:04:20.480 --> 01:04:26.960
going to get a massage which is fantastic so i've got the oils out like uh yeah so there'll be nice

785
01:04:26.960 --> 01:04:32.080
oils be nice music playing and uh it's going to be great she'll be getting a massage which is cool

786
01:04:32.080 --> 01:04:37.120
so if you want tips on the fastest way to get your wife to take her top off boom offer a massage

787
01:04:37.680 --> 01:04:42.720
offer a massage and don't expect anything in return because for me that's the biggest thing

788
01:04:42.720 --> 01:04:49.520
that makes touch safe is that there's not that expectation or even manipulation in that touch

789
01:04:49.520 --> 01:04:56.080
yeah um ladies agree or disagree with that do you guys like massages or not like massages

790
01:04:56.080 --> 01:04:59.840
guys what do you think and i never used to like massages because

791
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:03.200
There would be the expectation afterwards of sex

792
01:05:03.200 --> 01:05:06.960
Because I thought it was romantic so I was like yeah this is gonna go well

793
01:05:06.960 --> 01:05:08.160
So I used to always say no

794
01:05:08.960 --> 01:05:12.160
Yes I don't think so but anyway so boom steward that

795
01:05:14.000 --> 01:05:18.320
And I'll just I'll just say as well you like because we're kind of coming to bring this

796
01:05:18.320 --> 01:05:23.360
to a close you can never underestimate the value of negotiating like whatever it is

797
01:05:23.920 --> 01:05:28.080
the value of negotiating out what are your needs in that area for finances what do you

798
01:05:28.080 --> 01:05:33.760
need to be safe like Alana put her foot down in our relationship and she said if you don't have a

799
01:05:33.760 --> 01:05:40.160
like an income by this date then you have to go and get a job and it's over for your

800
01:05:40.160 --> 01:05:49.360
free ministry stuff um uh hey thanks man very cool so yeah so Alana put a put a timeline on

801
01:05:49.360 --> 01:05:56.240
me for like working for free she said if you don't do that again um if you don't get a job

802
01:05:56.240 --> 01:06:02.320
by this date uh if you don't have an income sort of by this day then you've got to get like quit

803
01:06:02.320 --> 01:06:07.920
your your dreams and go and get a job because you're like a bum I was like okay anyway praise

804
01:06:07.920 --> 01:06:17.360
god yes Jesus had my back and we had income coming in um so negotiate what what area here is the most

805
01:06:18.080 --> 01:06:22.560
got the most pressure negotiate it out what what do you need what does each person need

806
01:06:22.560 --> 01:06:27.360
chat that through if you're struggling to chat then you need to get like this keep your love on

807
01:06:27.360 --> 01:06:32.080
Danny Silk communication skills going down so invest in that as some fight as some like

808
01:06:32.080 --> 01:06:40.640
foundational skills if also external input from people as well who have experience and who can

809
01:06:40.640 --> 01:06:46.400
walk through something with you and be mentoring you and also let me just say as well we've been

810
01:06:46.480 --> 01:06:54.400
set up by religion to have lame marriages because we suck at uh receiving and expressing divine love

811
01:06:54.400 --> 01:06:59.200
but when you're living in this orphan dynamic of living disconnected from god rather than

812
01:06:59.200 --> 01:07:08.400
living with this crazy effortless bliss overwhelmed by divine love radically baptizing glory if you

813
01:07:08.400 --> 01:07:14.640
don't understand that then there's one of your best areas for winning for both both of you and

814
01:07:14.640 --> 01:07:20.080
if you're still single then invest in this like crazy invest in this like crazy um invest in this

815
01:07:20.080 --> 01:07:24.240
like crazy there's just things that you can there's things you can do jump on board with the online

816
01:07:24.240 --> 01:07:29.200
school of sonship we'll be putting more info out here on that as well and actually we've got going

817
01:07:29.200 --> 01:07:33.920
to go deeper on this um seven sacred pathways to intimacy but we're going to be doing that in the

818
01:07:33.920 --> 01:07:41.120
online school of sonship so um negotiate it out talk it out figure out what what it's going to

819
01:07:41.120 --> 01:07:45.600
win for you guys when we did that the first time we negotiated around sex which was our

820
01:07:46.400 --> 01:07:52.480
our big pressure point um we came up with fake agreements which meant um we initially the first

821
01:07:52.480 --> 01:07:57.280
time it was like once a week we're going to have a sexy time of some type type now when you talk

822
01:07:57.280 --> 01:08:03.200
with dave riddell who's 170 an hour to have a conversation with uh about this stuff or anything

823
01:08:03.200 --> 01:08:07.600
if you want to counsel with him it's 170 dollars an hour at least and one of the things he'll say

824
01:08:07.600 --> 01:08:12.480
is that a sex night doesn't have to end in actual intercourse and sex you know it could be

825
01:08:12.480 --> 01:08:16.560
hand jobs it could be oral it could be all sorts of different things it could be like here's a

826
01:08:16.560 --> 01:08:20.960
pillow i don't know anyway um i'm just saying it's all sorts of different things and there's

827
01:08:20.960 --> 01:08:26.000
negotiation around that but he said you know you've got to come to an agreement of what will work and

828
01:08:26.000 --> 01:08:30.960
so we negotiated that out the first time around but then it became a fake agreement now this is

829
01:08:30.960 --> 01:08:38.160
a marriage killer is fake agreements because we came up that one night a week was that was

830
01:08:38.160 --> 01:08:46.240
gonna work but we didn't keep the agreement so when the negotiation turned into a fake agreement

831
01:08:46.240 --> 01:08:51.680
it was worse than the first time so actually our biggest stress moment in our relationship was

832
01:08:51.680 --> 01:08:57.200
actually after we had our marriage like got some marriage counseling because the marriage counseling

833
01:08:57.200 --> 01:09:02.160
gave us good tools but we used them the wrong way and they actually turned into like self-harm

834
01:09:03.040 --> 01:09:08.560
but then we pressed through that and we renegotiated and we renegotiated like okay

835
01:09:08.560 --> 01:09:13.920
well that's not working for either of us let's bring some other things of balance in here and so

836
01:09:15.200 --> 01:09:21.840
um for us it was like i was like man uh ideally in my world at least two nights a week for

837
01:09:22.560 --> 01:09:28.319
sexy times of some sort would be like that would be great that would be awesome that'll be i'll be

838
01:09:28.319 --> 01:09:34.240
happy and so we negotiated around and Lana's like sweet well i need some massage action happening

839
01:09:34.240 --> 01:09:40.319
i want this happening and so finding that happy balance and we've actually found a balance there

840
01:09:40.319 --> 01:09:44.720
but if you don't have it and it might be an awkward conversation like yes no question what

841
01:09:44.720 --> 01:09:53.279
do you think would it be an awkward conversation for you to sit down with your spouse and negotiate

842
01:09:53.279 --> 01:09:58.480
what you want and need in each of these areas you like this church you don't like this church

843
01:09:59.200 --> 01:09:59.840
you like this

844
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:12.000
City, you don't like this city, you're emotionally burnt out, you're not, you've got enough skills, you don't have enough skills, you're getting enough messages, you're not, you're making enough money, you're making too much money, you're having enough sex, you're not having enough sex.

845
01:10:12.000 --> 01:10:23.000
Would it be awkward if you sat down and negotiated out what each of you want, what your best case scenario would be?

846
01:10:23.000 --> 01:10:39.000
It was awkward for us initially to sit down and negotiate that out, it was beyond awkward, it was absolutely terrible to come up with a fake agreement, so don't do fake agreements, they will cause huge collateral damage and the stress cycle will go BOOM!

847
01:10:39.000 --> 01:10:51.000
But then if you negotiate to an actual genuine agreement, and you can work on it, and it's not exact, we don't measure it in a sense.

848
01:10:51.000 --> 01:11:08.000
Because we negotiated and we came up with an agreement that we both kind of stuck to, now there's almost no agreement, but there's balance and we intuitively know what the other person needs because we've practiced it.

849
01:11:08.000 --> 01:11:23.000
Yeah, it's more organic, so you might feel like, well that's not a divine romance, it's all structured, I tell you what, for us, it might be different for you, but for us it's been great having some structure around agreements and knowing what each other exactly wants.

850
01:11:23.000 --> 01:11:30.000
It's all part of a learning process, and there's a learning, growing process to go through before you can fly.

851
01:11:31.000 --> 01:11:56.000
And so the end result for us is that from healthy agreements, just so much momentum towards intimacy, so much momentum, and I tell you what, you win in one of these seven sacred pathways, you win in all of them because the momentum just starts bringing things together more and more, and so for us, the sense of adventure around our relationship is just amazing.

852
01:11:56.000 --> 01:12:15.000
And I think there's never a point where it's going to stop, it's always going to keep going and getting better and better, there's no end point in sight, and I hope there never is, because I think you're constantly growing and evolving and changing and reassessing and growing.

853
01:12:16.000 --> 01:12:27.000
Totally, so back to that is some of our story, I see Storm here, husband is amazing in every area, but the adventure stuff freaks him out, he likes to plan fun, haha, very cool.

854
01:12:27.000 --> 01:12:54.000
Well, lots of love to all of you beautiful people, and if you've got any questions, let us know. We will be going deeper in the seven sacred pathways to intimacy in the Online School of Sonship, so I'll put the link in the description as well if you want more info about how you can jump on board the Online School of Sonship, we still have some funds available in our $30,000 scholarship fund,

855
01:12:54.000 --> 01:13:13.000
so if you're not in the Online School of Sonship, you should be, because you're going to get heaps more amazing content in there, and you'll be able to get your spiritual ninja, get your sonship going on, for me that was one of the biggest game changers, getting my sonship on, and that rocked our marriage.

856
01:13:13.000 --> 01:13:26.000
So, let me, we'll let us pray, we'll pray for you, if you kick off babe, and then I'll wrap up. Are you willing to start? Yeah, you just go for it. I'll take it away, alright, I'll take it away, there you are, she was just like, nah, you do it.

857
01:13:27.000 --> 01:13:51.000
Sweet, cheers Storm, so anyway Papa, we just thank you for marriages, and we thank you as well that you're redefining what marriage looks like, I just thank you right now for breaking off false images of what marriage is, Papa I thank you for great grace coming upon people who are in the midst of the pressure, I thank you for amazing momentum coming towards intimacy,

858
01:13:51.000 --> 01:14:15.000
Papa I thank you as well for redefining for us what your divine design for marriage looks like, that you would give us eyes to see and ears to hear, that there would be a sense of a restoration in our hearts and restoration in our marriages around divine romance, that there would be, Papa I just ask that in this generation,

859
01:14:15.000 --> 01:14:40.000
you would awaken a dynamic of divine romance and divine love in our marriages and our hearts, so much so that we become the generation with the greatest marriages the world has ever seen, with the greatest expressions of delight in our husbands and wives that the world has ever seen, Papa I just ask that you cause a real explosion, for those that are single, Papa I ask that you just put a vision in their hearts,

860
01:14:40.000 --> 01:15:00.000
I ask that you give them a dream of a relationship that looks the way that you've designed it to be, just founded on that dynamic of that blueprint of divine romance, so Papa we call it in from heaven right now, we call grace, we call favour, we call wisdom, Lord we call breakthrough in on everything,

861
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:03.580
Remarriage right now cause that shift thing even to take place right now

862
01:15:03.580 --> 01:15:08.480
I'll let Lord around our image of the divine design for marriage

863
01:15:08.480 --> 01:15:14.480
Papa release that grace on us and on this generation for divine romance like never before

864
01:15:15.440 --> 01:15:19.080
Amen, sweet family. We'll catch you again soon

865
01:15:19.920 --> 01:15:24.880
I'll put the link in for the online school of sonship. Follow us deeper. Love you guys very much and

866
01:15:25.800 --> 01:15:30.000
Who knows we might be in a country near you or a town

867
01:15:30.360 --> 01:15:36.720
Near you when we head off on our crazy wild adventure and we're going to do a live about that in the near future as

868
01:15:36.720 --> 01:15:38.240
Well, give me some more dates

869
01:15:38.240 --> 01:15:43.420
Clarify something. Yeah, we'll clarify some of the rumors because there's lots of rumors going around about our family

870
01:15:43.420 --> 01:15:47.600
So we're going to speak into that sweet. Catch you soon. Bye. Bye