Hey, everybody.
Hope you're doing well.
I hope I'm, I hope I'm coming through here.
I think I am.
But hey, hey, I hope you're doing well.
If you're in New Zealand, you have just found out we're in another week of level four lockdown.
So yay for us if you're in Auckland.
If you're not in Auckland, congratulations.
But hey, I just wanted to, I wanted to share something that I have been, that I've been
processing.
This is, this is pretty fresh for me.
I'm kind of in the middle of it.
I am, yeah, I'm, I'm still, I'm still kind of on the journey on the way through.
And I, you know, I'm, I'm not there yet.
Right.
So, but, but it's something that's fresh.
I'm in the middle of it and it feels relevant to me.
So I wanted to share with you a little bit about my process and what I'm going through.
So you know, there's so many amazing things that we're going after in parenting and, you
know, things like unconditional acceptance and compassion and empathy and connection
and wholeness and all this, and how, and how that's so powerful in our relationships with
our kids and how, you know, how that's ultimately going to change the world.
Right.
And, and we've seen a huge positive change in our relationships with our kids.
You know, but meanwhile, on this journey, you know, I've been, I've also been on a journey
of, you know, some stuff that's happening in me and kind of going after some inner healing
and a few things that I'm going after.
One of those things is, is self-criticism and it's, you know, it's, it's basically yeah,
self-criticism.
And it kind of comes from this place of, of, you know, my inner child wounding and some,
some things that I'm really going after.
Right.
It's a bit of a long story, you know, we won't go into it right now, but, but, but basically
self-criticism and I've had a pretty intense wrestle.
I know it's always kind of been there.
I think we, as parents, we can all relate to self-criticism.
We all have probably an unhealthy level.
Most of us have parent guilt and shame and probably some negative self-talk and, and
this has been something that's been coming out for me in a lot of different areas, but
just self-criticism and being really hard on myself.
And so, you know, just bad self-talk and I, you know, recently just was really kind of
wanting to go after this and go after some healing and try and get some breakthrough
and and I wanted to share with you where, where I'm at and what I'm learning.
So, you know, what I'm learning right now, basically, is, is that self-criticism and
negative self-talk is research shows that, that the people who have bad self-talk and
self-criticism are, are the ones with the highest levels of depression and the highest
levels of anxiety and hopelessness and, you know, not, not great things.
Right. And the reason for that is, is because, you know, when our, when our amygdala or our
reptilian brain senses a threat, it activates.
And so when our amygdala activates, what basically happens is it releases cortisol into
the body, your anxiety goes up, your adrenaline goes up, and it actually shuts down our
ability to reason well, you know, our upper brain.
And and so when we have negative self-talk, our amygdala, our reptilian brains, which is
always kind of looking out for threats, is always in, is always in a state of threat.
It's always in a state of when is the next moment I'm going to be attacked emotionally by
this aggressor and the aggressor is us.
So with self-criticism, we're both the aggressor and the victim.
And it's this reinforcing cycle.
And it's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy as well, because, because what happens is, you
know, our ability to, you know, make good decisions and be rational kind of gets
sabotaged by our self-criticism because it activates the lower brain, the amygdala, and we
get filled with anxiety and adrenaline, which leads to depression and.
these things. So it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, it's a reinforcing cycle. But what I'm realizing
is, is actually a huge key to the breakthrough. A, is realizing that, you know, and just realizing
the importance of having positive self-talk and not partnering with negative self-talk,
but also realizing that actually it's quite practical being able to,
um, being able to reframe your, um, your self-narrative is really practical. And not
only is it really practical, but it's really powerful because what happens is when we reframe
the narrative, we're actually rewiring new neurological pathways in our brain, which then
decreases the level of anxiety and adrenaline and cortisol in your body. And it, and, um,
and it actually starts rewiring neurological pathways that, which then start, um, inputting
the opposite of those things into our, into our body physically, physically through our brain.
It's actually releasing things like dopamine and oxytocin. And, um, some of the things that are
more, that are more, um, you know, peace, um, peace hormones and calm hormones and things that
help us to connect with the rational part of our brain, which then enforces our ability to make
good decisions. Right. So it's like whichever narrative you partner with is you're kind of
getting that right. And it's actually scientific and it's actually really practical. So, um, so
this has kind of been the journey for me lately is when I start to have negative self-criticism
or self-talk just realizing, Oh, actually, this is a really big deal. You know, I used for a long
time. I used to think, you know, it's, it's not that big a deal, or maybe it's just some really,
you know, I just need, I need some, I need a lot of help, you know, and I probably do, but,
um, but actually the, the process of healing is actually really practical and it looks like
I just, I'm going to stop the negative self-talk and I'm going to, um, I'm going to start to reframe
the narrative. I'm going to reframe the narrative. I'm going to say, Hey, actually, look,
no, I'm not stupid. And I did. I, the reason I did what I did was because I was thinking this,
you know, some people actually recommend having a journal where you sit down and you say,
Hey, this is what happened. This is what I was feeling. And this is what I can learn from it.
But, but just the importance of stopping the self-criticism, especially as parents.
Um, and here's the thing, you know, if we're as parents seeking to offer, um, empathy and
compassion to our kids, we actually have to start with us. You know, we can't give something that
we don't have. So if we don't have self-compassion and self-empathy, or just going to be operating
in a place of anxiety, which is going to trigger us and cause us to disconnect from our kids.
So, um, we actually need to be practicing self-compassion and self-empathy and taking
our thoughts captive as the Bible says, right? So it's, it's operating from this place of, of,
of self-compassion and empathy and, and reframing the narrative and stopping self-criticism and
bad self-talk because it has a huge, not only emotional effect, um, but mental as well as
physical effect on us, you know? And so it's, it's a really big deal. So anyway, guys, I'm,
I'm in the middle of this, um, just a few little nuggets of what I'm learning and what I'm processing.
Um, and I've started to apply some of these things to myself and just saying, Hey, no,
actually I'm not going to call myself stupid. Uh, it's really vulnerable to talk about that,
but I actually know I'm not going to do that because it's not helpful. It doesn't help.
It actually makes it worse. And so what I'm going to do is I'm actually just going to stop
and reframe the narrative and say, Hey, know what? I'm actually going to figure this out.
I have what it takes. Um, it may not feel like it right now, but I have what it takes and I'm
going to figure this out. And, um, you know, I, I may have done something that I felt like I should
have done something different, or maybe I should have known the better answer because I'm a
perfectionist. Right. And so I I'm really hard on myself, but I need to actually stop and go, Hey,
I'm, you know, one of the things I really love is that there's no such thing as failure.
There's only different degrees. Um, there's only different levels, um, of learning different
degrees to the level of learning that you have. So, you know, I'm actually, I'm not failing.
I'm learning. Right. So, um, but I haven't actually applied that to myself. I've applied
it to a lot of other things. Um, but I actually need to start accepting myself in so that now,
you know, once I have self empathy and compassion, I'm going to much be in a much better place to be
able to offer that to my kids. So, um, I hope, I hope that makes sense. Uh, it's something I'm
still in the middle of and still learning, but I wanted to be real and be vulnerable and share
that with you because I think it could be helpful. I think as parents.
We're our own biggest critics, and it's quite often that we're really hard on ourselves,
and it's not helping. It's not helping. So I just wanted to present that to you,
and I hope it helps. I think it could if we actually start going through the process
of reframing the narrative. So it's actually really practical. And then we're rewiring
the neurological pathways in our brain, which then increases the comfort and the peace
physically in our body. And that reinforces our emotional and mental state, which then
allows us to parent better. So I hope this helps, guys. You're amazing. And we'll catch
you next time. Oh, I'm really excited for the challenge coming up this week. We start
in two days' time, 7 a.m. New Zealand time on Wednesday. Hope to see you guys there. I'll drop
the link in the comments again for you, okay? And yeah, we'll see you soon. All right. Cheers,
guys. Bye.