WEBVTT

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Hey, everybody.

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Hope you're doing well.

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I hope I'm, I hope I'm coming through here.

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I think I am.

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But hey, hey, I hope you're doing well.

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If you're in New Zealand, you have just found out we're in another week of level four lockdown.

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So yay for us if you're in Auckland.

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If you're not in Auckland, congratulations.

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But hey, I just wanted to, I wanted to share something that I have been, that I've been

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processing.

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This is, this is pretty fresh for me.

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I'm kind of in the middle of it.

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I am, yeah, I'm, I'm still, I'm still kind of on the journey on the way through.

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And I, you know, I'm, I'm not there yet.

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Right.

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So, but, but it's something that's fresh.

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I'm in the middle of it and it feels relevant to me.

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So I wanted to share with you a little bit about my process and what I'm going through.

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So you know, there's so many amazing things that we're going after in parenting and, you

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know, things like unconditional acceptance and compassion and empathy and connection

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and wholeness and all this, and how, and how that's so powerful in our relationships with

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our kids and how, you know, how that's ultimately going to change the world.

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Right.

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And, and we've seen a huge positive change in our relationships with our kids.

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You know, but meanwhile, on this journey, you know, I've been, I've also been on a journey

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of, you know, some stuff that's happening in me and kind of going after some inner healing

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and a few things that I'm going after.

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One of those things is, is self-criticism and it's, you know, it's, it's basically yeah,

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self-criticism.

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And it kind of comes from this place of, of, you know, my inner child wounding and some,

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some things that I'm really going after.

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Right.

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It's a bit of a long story, you know, we won't go into it right now, but, but, but basically

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self-criticism and I've had a pretty intense wrestle.

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I know it's always kind of been there.

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I think we, as parents, we can all relate to self-criticism.

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We all have probably an unhealthy level.

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Most of us have parent guilt and shame and probably some negative self-talk and, and

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this has been something that's been coming out for me in a lot of different areas, but

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just self-criticism and being really hard on myself.

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And so, you know, just bad self-talk and I, you know, recently just was really kind of

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wanting to go after this and go after some healing and try and get some breakthrough

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and and I wanted to share with you where, where I'm at and what I'm learning.

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So, you know, what I'm learning right now, basically, is, is that self-criticism and

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negative self-talk is research shows that, that the people who have bad self-talk and

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self-criticism are, are the ones with the highest levels of depression and the highest

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levels of anxiety and hopelessness and, you know, not, not great things.

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Right. And the reason for that is, is because, you know, when our, when our amygdala or our

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reptilian brain senses a threat, it activates.

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And so when our amygdala activates, what basically happens is it releases cortisol into

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the body, your anxiety goes up, your adrenaline goes up, and it actually shuts down our

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ability to reason well, you know, our upper brain.

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And and so when we have negative self-talk, our amygdala, our reptilian brains, which is

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always kind of looking out for threats, is always in, is always in a state of threat.

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It's always in a state of when is the next moment I'm going to be attacked emotionally by

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this aggressor and the aggressor is us.

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So with self-criticism, we're both the aggressor and the victim.

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And it's this reinforcing cycle.

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And it's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy as well, because, because what happens is, you

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know, our ability to, you know, make good decisions and be rational kind of gets

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sabotaged by our self-criticism because it activates the lower brain, the amygdala, and we

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get filled with anxiety and adrenaline, which leads to depression and.

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these things. So it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, it's a reinforcing cycle. But what I'm realizing

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is, is actually a huge key to the breakthrough. A, is realizing that, you know, and just realizing

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the importance of having positive self-talk and not partnering with negative self-talk,

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but also realizing that actually it's quite practical being able to,

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um, being able to reframe your, um, your self-narrative is really practical. And not

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only is it really practical, but it's really powerful because what happens is when we reframe

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the narrative, we're actually rewiring new neurological pathways in our brain, which then

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decreases the level of anxiety and adrenaline and cortisol in your body. And it, and, um,

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and it actually starts rewiring neurological pathways that, which then start, um, inputting

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the opposite of those things into our, into our body physically, physically through our brain.

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It's actually releasing things like dopamine and oxytocin. And, um, some of the things that are

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more, that are more, um, you know, peace, um, peace hormones and calm hormones and things that

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help us to connect with the rational part of our brain, which then enforces our ability to make

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good decisions. Right. So it's like whichever narrative you partner with is you're kind of

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getting that right. And it's actually scientific and it's actually really practical. So, um, so

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this has kind of been the journey for me lately is when I start to have negative self-criticism

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or self-talk just realizing, Oh, actually, this is a really big deal. You know, I used for a long

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time. I used to think, you know, it's, it's not that big a deal, or maybe it's just some really,

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you know, I just need, I need some, I need a lot of help, you know, and I probably do, but,

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um, but actually the, the process of healing is actually really practical and it looks like

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I just, I'm going to stop the negative self-talk and I'm going to, um, I'm going to start to reframe

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the narrative. I'm going to reframe the narrative. I'm going to say, Hey, actually, look,

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no, I'm not stupid. And I did. I, the reason I did what I did was because I was thinking this,

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you know, some people actually recommend having a journal where you sit down and you say,

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Hey, this is what happened. This is what I was feeling. And this is what I can learn from it.

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But, but just the importance of stopping the self-criticism, especially as parents.

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Um, and here's the thing, you know, if we're as parents seeking to offer, um, empathy and

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compassion to our kids, we actually have to start with us. You know, we can't give something that

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we don't have. So if we don't have self-compassion and self-empathy, or just going to be operating

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in a place of anxiety, which is going to trigger us and cause us to disconnect from our kids.

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So, um, we actually need to be practicing self-compassion and self-empathy and taking

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our thoughts captive as the Bible says, right? So it's, it's operating from this place of, of,

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of self-compassion and empathy and, and reframing the narrative and stopping self-criticism and

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bad self-talk because it has a huge, not only emotional effect, um, but mental as well as

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physical effect on us, you know? And so it's, it's a really big deal. So anyway, guys, I'm,

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I'm in the middle of this, um, just a few little nuggets of what I'm learning and what I'm processing.

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Um, and I've started to apply some of these things to myself and just saying, Hey, no,

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actually I'm not going to call myself stupid. Uh, it's really vulnerable to talk about that,

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but I actually know I'm not going to do that because it's not helpful. It doesn't help.

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It actually makes it worse. And so what I'm going to do is I'm actually just going to stop

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and reframe the narrative and say, Hey, know what? I'm actually going to figure this out.

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I have what it takes. Um, it may not feel like it right now, but I have what it takes and I'm

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going to figure this out. And, um, you know, I, I may have done something that I felt like I should

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have done something different, or maybe I should have known the better answer because I'm a

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perfectionist. Right. And so I I'm really hard on myself, but I need to actually stop and go, Hey,

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I'm, you know, one of the things I really love is that there's no such thing as failure.

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There's only different degrees. Um, there's only different levels, um, of learning different

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degrees to the level of learning that you have. So, you know, I'm actually, I'm not failing.

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I'm learning. Right. So, um, but I haven't actually applied that to myself. I've applied

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it to a lot of other things. Um, but I actually need to start accepting myself in so that now,

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you know, once I have self empathy and compassion, I'm going to much be in a much better place to be

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able to offer that to my kids. So, um, I hope, I hope that makes sense. Uh, it's something I'm

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still in the middle of and still learning, but I wanted to be real and be vulnerable and share

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that with you because I think it could be helpful. I think as parents.

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We're our own biggest critics, and it's quite often that we're really hard on ourselves,

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and it's not helping. It's not helping. So I just wanted to present that to you,

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and I hope it helps. I think it could if we actually start going through the process

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of reframing the narrative. So it's actually really practical. And then we're rewiring

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the neurological pathways in our brain, which then increases the comfort and the peace

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physically in our body. And that reinforces our emotional and mental state, which then

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allows us to parent better. So I hope this helps, guys. You're amazing. And we'll catch

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you next time. Oh, I'm really excited for the challenge coming up this week. We start

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in two days' time, 7 a.m. New Zealand time on Wednesday. Hope to see you guys there. I'll drop

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the link in the comments again for you, okay? And yeah, we'll see you soon. All right. Cheers,

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guys. Bye.