All right, guys. Good morning and welcome. I think we're live once again. Just check
in here. Looks like we're good to go. All right, guys. Welcome and good morning. We're
going to have some people jumping on here any minute. But if you're catching up with
this later as well, welcome. It's good to be with you. It's good to spend this time
with you talking about healthy families and healthy connection and restoration and relationship.
And guys, again, these are the things that life is about, right? Life is relationships.
Life is connection. And it's really exciting for me to be a part of this, right? So welcome
to the first session of the five-week parenting challenge. And if you joined us for the three-day
parenting challenge, we've had some really amazing and powerful testimonies coming in,
feedback and stories about life change, mindset shifting, encountering God, people feeling
encouraged and refreshed and renewed. So guys, if you missed that, feel free to catch
up. That is in the Raising Royalty page and parenting guide. But I'm just, yeah, I'm really
excited for what the Lord's doing here. And it's a really significant time, right? So
this is the first session of five weeks together where we're looking at how to deepen and strengthen
our connections with our kids, right? So this morning, we kick off with part one of
a two-part talk where we'll be focusing on how to reconnect and stay connected emotionally
with our kids. And just keep in mind that the skills that we'll be looking at this week
and next week will be helpful for both getting reconnected and staying connected, right?
And strengthening those connections. But the focus this morning is going to be a little
bit more on getting reconnected if things are feeling a little bit tense, right? So
you might be thinking, well, I'm actually not all that disconnected from my kids, right?
But just stick with us because if that's you, there's a couple key things to keep in mind
here. First of all, these skills will help you even if you're just wanting to deepen
your emotional connections with your kids, right? And I'm pretty sure that's all of us,
right? And secondly, it's important to realize that you can actually be disconnected emotionally
from someone without realizing it, right? So it's important to keep that in mind, right?
You might think, you know, we're good, you know, we're doing actually, we're all pretty,
you know, we're pretty good and things are going good. And my parents thought that, right?
And I certainly thought that when I was a kid as well. But the thing is, we weren't,
we actually weren't really all that good, right? And I didn't, I didn't even really
know that until I started working through stuff. And so as I've worked on, you know,
healing and emotional intelligence, as an adult, I've learned that in my childhood,
my parents and I were actually very rarely emotionally connected. And, you know, that's
actually hard for me to admit that it's hard to realize that and process that as an adult,
but, but here's the thing. We don't know what we don't know, right? And so my parents just didn't
have the skills and the tools in their tool belt to be consistently emotionally connected. So
there's no, there's no shame, and there's no guilt in that. They just didn't have the tools yet,
right? So, you know, there definitely was a level of emotional connection. And there
were definitely times where, you know, we felt very emotionally connected as a family. But,
but those times, you know, they just kind of happened by accident, so to speak, right? So,
so what are some ways that you can tell if you're disconnected emotionally? Well,
a practical example from my childhood that came to mind, you know, I was actually just quite,
quite often really annoyed at my parents for things that were like totally normal, right?
And, and kind of random and probably shouldn't have annoyed me. But I, but I didn't really know
why. You know, I kind of thought that was normal, but it wasn't, right? Like I would,
for example, I would get really annoyed at the way my mom,
Would hold the steering wheel when she drove like that would just really bug me and I
Didn't know why that's just really weird. All right. Why would that white that shouldn't that shouldn't that shouldn't have annoyed me?
You know, but you know, it's important to realize, you know, that's one of the that's one of the signs of emotional disconnection
It's kind of just being
Annoyed at things that probably shouldn't be
annoying right
To use an example from my relationship with my wife Anna
I noticed I'm probably disconnected emotionally from her
Even though I'm not really aware of it at the time when maybe I don't really want to give her
physical affection or maybe even receive
physical affection right and
So like maybe we're in the kitchen and she's cooking and I'm cleaning and it's even it's actually hard to just not to bump
Into each other or maybe she'll she'll put her hand on me back and there's something just in me that just kind of tenses up
That's another sign of emotional disconnection I just kind of go, okay, I'm noticing that
But on the other hand when we're emotionally connected
We're hugging or we're being really silly. We're snuggling
we're usually really playful around each other like we'll be doing, you know, really silly dances and silly songs and
Just being kind of goofy
But when we're disconnected emotionally, there's just kind of this underlying sense of seriousness, right?
And it's not necessarily because there's been any big fallout from a fight or anything, right? It's just like
You know life just kind of happens and if we're not intentional
about being connected
You can just kind of gradually become
Disconnected emotionally, right and here's a key point this morning. Is that
Connection requires intentionality, right? You're either growing closer emotionally or you're growing apart
Emotionally, and this is true of our relationship with the Lord as well
But it's also true of our human relationships, right?
It's just no cruise control when it comes to relationship
even though I kind of think it feels that way and we think that right but
You know emotional connection is everything in relationship. We're 100% wired
for emotional connection and
You know in the same way we'll starve and shrivel up physically without physical nourishment
We'll also starve internally without emotional nourishment and connection
All right. So some key points as we start off this morning. We're going on a new journey again. So stick with us, right?
So what about when?
I
Was actually feeling really emotionally connected with my family as a kid
You know the times I felt most emotionally connected
Were the times that my parents just kind of happened to be using the skills that we're going to be going over in
Today's talk right and the first one of those skills
We're going to be talking about is understanding how to use the five love languages
and
You know five line love languages is probably something you've heard of it comes out of a really popular book by Gary Chapman
Where he basically these dissects the five core ways in which we as humans
Receive love right and it's really helpful for deepening connections not just for with our kids
But even with our spouses and our partners, right? So
What are the five love languages, right? So they are
quality time
Physical touch words of affirmation acts of service and gifts, right?
So if you've heard this before stick with me, we just want to talk a little bit about each one
And just and just shed a little bit of light, right? So
Quality time is
focused time
And just stick with us we're on a journey here, right so it's it's focused
Intentional time where you're emotionally and mentally engaged with the person, right? So there's probably lots of eye contact
There's communication. There's
Emotional engagement, right?
So put away the phone or whatever it is that you're distracted with right and just be
Present and engaged in the moment, right? That's quality time
Next is physical touch, right? So that's pretty
pretty self-explanatory
but people with physical touch level language
will probably need a lot of back rubs, even if they don't actually need a back rub if you know what I mean, um, and
Next is words of affirmation. Alright, so words of affirmation isn't hey, you're amazing
Words of affirmation people need to hear.
Hey, I think you're amazing because... fill in the blank.
I saw you do that thing and I noticed that it just showed me that this is the type of person you are.
They need to know that you're thinking about what it is about them that you appreciate.
Not just that you're amazing. You're amazing because...
Next is acts of service.
Acts of service is something that's over and above.
My wife, Anna, has acts of service.
She doesn't receive love necessarily when I tidy the kitchen every night because it's just the routine.
But when she came down the other night and I'd done some extra tidying around the lounge and the downstairs area
so it felt really clean and nice for her birthday the next morning,
she felt her love tank filling up.
Your kids with acts of service won't feel loved necessarily when you're just cooking dinner for them
because it has to be something that says, I'm thinking about you.
It has to be something that's over and above.
And lastly is the gifts love language.
A gift to a person who has this love language is basically physical proof
that someone was thinking about you when you weren't together.
So it doesn't have to be something that's expensive or even really cost anything.
So maybe it's a little note that you put in their lunchbox.
Or maybe I'm at the shop and I see the juice boxes and I think,
I know that Jackson loves juice boxes. I'm going to get him some.
And then I come home and say, hey buddy, I was thinking about you.
I got you some juice boxes, right?
The other key point for gifts love language is that it needs to be something that says, I know you.
So maybe it's, I picked this flavor of ice cream because I know it's your favorite.
Or, hey, I was at the shop and I got you the red lollipop because I know that red is your favorite color.
So a gift is physical proof that someone was thinking about you when you weren't together
and it's something that says, I know you.
You probably know if your kid has a gifts love language if they kept coming up to you
and giving you every random thing that was sitting around the lounge when they were little.
And that actually leads into my next point which is that we're actually naturally wired
to give love in the same ways that we're naturally wired to receive it.
So that's a key point, right?
This means that it might be a little bit challenging to give love in the specific way your kids need
because it might not be the way that you naturally give it, right?
So will this require some effort on our part?
Absolutely, it will.
But we can't just cruise and expect our connections to get deeper, right?
So even though there's five love languages that we all kind of give and receive love in some capacity,
there are going to be one or two that are really strong for each individual, right?
Just because you might be doing some of these things doesn't mean your kids are feeling loved, right?
Their love tanks aren't necessarily getting filled, right?
It's kind of like each person has a different keyhole that opens the lid to their love tank.
And it's our job to figure out which love language is the key that opens the lid to their love tank.
Like my parents were really good at giving gifts, right?
They knocked it out of the park in this area because that's their love language, right?
But here's the thing. Gifts isn't my love language, right?
Now did I like receiving gifts? Yeah, of course I did. I loved it.
But it wasn't the key that I needed to open the door to my love tank so that it could get filled up with love, right?
So my love languages are quality time and words of affirmation.
Those are my two main ones, right? So that's what I needed.
I needed quality time and words of affirmation.
Which also just happens to be what was happening when I felt most emotionally connected to my parents
when I think back on my childhood, right?
So every few weeks we would go on a family drive to the beach or the mountains.
Once or twice a year we would go on a weekend holiday getaway together.
There wasn't any distractions. It was quality time together, right?
which is also really important for words of affirmation person and
Those are the times that I felt super connected and my love tank was really filled up, right?
Um, I cherish those memories from my childhood
But but the thing is is it wasn't you know, those aren't
Those aren't the normal consistent things that were happening through my life
They were you know, they weren't the norm right was kind of the thing that we would do every now and then
Um, so how do you know
What your kids love languages are right? How can you tell?
Well, you can usually kind of just figure it out even from a young age if you're just looking for it, right? Um,
Like with our 15 month old olivia, you know, she's definitely quality time
Um love language, right? Like if she's doing something maybe she's playing with blocks
Or she's trying on
Every pair of shoes she can find right? She's she's definitely her mother's daughter
um
She just needs eye contact, right? She's just not happy
But if you're giving her just simple focused attention and smiles and eye contact she's over the moon, right? She's just happy
um completely different
um now jackson
Who's four?
Um, you know his his number number one love language is is probably physical touch because you know, he just cannot function
Without like multiple snuggles throughout the day, which is awesome
And I probably wouldn't be able to either because I just absolutely adore that kid, right? Um,
so
Figure out what your kids love languages are and start being intentional
about interacting with them accordingly
um
All right, so we're doing good
Thanks for sticking with me what is
The next skill right the next skill is nothing new
Um, and it's been around for a really long time
But for most of us with pride issues like myself
um
It won't necessarily be an easy thing to do right and that's simply finding out if there's anything you need to apologize for
by asking
If there's anything you can be doing better
Right, so it's really practical
But not necessarily easy, right
Um, but it's important to keep in mind
that even though this can be challenging for us, you know, these moments can be extremely valuable for our kids because
It's an opportunity to model humility and taking responsibility
Right, and it's one of the most effective ways to show
um
You know that you really love them and you really care about them, right?
Because it's costing you something and they know it's hard for you
Right, so it's it's a it's an amazing way to demonstrate how much you care about them and how much you value them
um
You know, these are the times that relationships grow and get strengthened quite often more so
Than when everything is just cruising along
Um, you know, so value the times where you get to be real and humble and apologize if it's needed
All right, and i'll give you a personal example between myself and jackson, right so
um a few months ago
I was playing with jackson
Or at least so I thought um, and I was pretending to be a robot and um, I didn't realize this
But he was actually really afraid of robots at the time. Um, and I didn't know and that really
It really scared him and it really affected him and um, even though over a period of like several days
Um, we talked about it. I had apologized several times
Um, but a few days after the fact it came up again
Um that he was still feeling scared from that right and he was still just
Um, so I said hey buddy. I'm so sorry. I did that. I would never want you to feel afraid
um
And then I asked him. I um, you know, are there any other times you felt scared around me?
um, and I just I don't know why I just felt prompted to ask that and and he said
yeah, and I said
um when in
And he said when I do bad things to livvy
And I said, why is that bud? And he said, um, you know at the time
Um, he was really struggling with aggression towards his sister, right and um,
And we were a bit lost and frustrated and trying different discipline techniques that weren't really working
um
um, you know, but then he said
You know when you get mad at me
I feel like i'm bad and that really scares me
Which is an amazing thing for a three-year-old to be able to articulate right? But um, but when he said that um
Oh, man, my heart just broke and he he was he was crying and I was crying and I just said buddy
um
I'm
So sorry it made you feel that way.
You're not bad.
You're not a bad kid, right?
I said you're a good kid who's having a hard time.
And so we just snuggled and reconnected
and you could just feel
it was a really powerful moment of reconnection.
But see, we weren't necessarily all that disconnected
before this, but I could sense that there was a level
of connection that we might be missing.
It just felt like something was a bit off.
I couldn't really figure it out.
But then this came up and it was the key.
And our connection, our relationship,
actually got way stronger after that point
because we were able to work through this in a healthy way.
All right, so how might these two tools,
the love languages and apologizing,
be used together to reconnect, right?
Well, to give you another personal example,
I'll be your guinea pig for you.
I recently, I think it was last week,
I got really angry and I raised my voice at Jackson, right?
Because he was doing something
that was really aggravating to Olivia.
It always seems to be the reoccurring theme, right?
It's usually Jackson doing something to Olivia.
And we kept telling him to stop and kept telling him to stop.
And finally, I just kind of lost my calm
and I grabbed him and I pulled him away
and I said, you just need to stop.
And I just knew that I'd crossed the line
and I could feel it inside.
I felt really sad, I felt disconnected.
And we as parents, we can usually tell, right?
When we've crossed the line.
So what did I do, right?
He's physical touch love language.
So I picked him up and I carried him over to the chair
and I gave him a snuggle and said,
hey, but I'm really sorry.
I raised my voice at you like that.
That wasn't okay with me, right?
That probably made you feel a bit sad and scared, hey.
And he said, yeah.
And I said, will you forgive me?
And he said, yeah, I forgive you.
And it was a really special moment, right?
Notice I didn't say, hey, I'm sorry I raised my voice at you
but if you just listen to me, right?
You can start blaming and shaming him.
So what are the key steps to take away from that example?
So acknowledge the action.
Hey, but I'm sorry I raised my voice at you.
That wasn't okay, right?
Next, and then acknowledge how they probably felt, right?
That probably made you feel a bit sad and scared, hey.
And then just ask forgiveness.
Will you forgive me?
Without excuses or blaming or shaming, right?
Because blaming and shame will only work
to further disconnect you.
So figure out your kids' love languages
and be intentional, right?
These are just a couple tools that will help us
to reconnect or even just deepen our connections
with our kids.
So here's the challenge for you this week, right?
Plan a time with each of your kids individually, one-on-one
and say to them the following things, right?
Oh, it's okay, right?
Well, who's it gonna make me do?
It's gonna be okay.
Just stick with me, right?
And you can use this script word for word if you want
or you can paraphrase it if you want.
But the first thing you can say is super simple
and really powerful.
All right, you ready?
All right, so it's basically,
hey, I just want you to know that I really care about you
and I wanna be a better parent, right?
And then say, so I'd really like to know,
is there anything that you think I can do
to be a better parent, right?
Oh, it's a bit scary, right?
But so powerful, right?
If anything comes up that seems like an apology
would be appropriate,
then just use that simple example of apologizing.
Acknowledge what it was that affected them
and how it made them feel
and simply ask them for forgiveness without excuses, right?
Now, obviously this isn't gonna come naturally
or easily for most of us, right?
But that's exactly the point, right?
You determine the value of something by its cost
and I know that you believe that your connection
with your kids is worth fighting for
or else you wouldn't be watching this right now, right?
And again, these moments can be extremely powerful
in our kids.
lives, right? It's the moments of vulnerability and humility that can
actually be life-defining moments for our kids, right? That teach them it's okay
to be real, and it's okay to make mistakes, and that we can actually clean
up the messes that we make. It's really powerful, right? And most importantly, it
will communicate our value for them and our connection with them in a really
powerful way. Alright, so you can do this. I believe in you. You have what it takes.
This is really big. I know it's really seems really foundational and simple, but
again, it's really, really powerful if we just follow through, right? And so next
week, we're gonna be talking about understanding the four core needs that
are inherent to every single person and how, you know, how we can partner with
that understanding to stay connected with our kids. So this is really big
stuff. I'm really excited about this talk next week, and actually understanding
these core needs will actually serve and benefit us in all of our relationships,
right? Not just our kids, but with our bosses and our workmates, right? It's
actually, it's really effective and practical and powerful way to win
friends and influence people, right? Just understanding how people are wired. So
this is the beginning, guys. Session one. Next five weeks is gonna be
revolutionary. I'm really excited to hear the testimonies of the transformation
that comes out of this time together. And yeah, be sure to tune in with us. Same
time next week, 7 a.m. Wednesday morning, New Zealand time. And let's do this, guys.
It's gonna be awesome. We're gonna change the world together through
connection and through family, right? So bless you. Thanks for sticking with us. I
hope this has been encouraging and helpful. I'm sure it will be once we
follow through, and I believe in you guys. You can do this. And onward and upward,
alright? So we will. We'll catch you next time, alright? Alright, see ya. Bye.