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All right, guys. Good morning and welcome. I think we're live once again. Just check

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in here. Looks like we're good to go. All right, guys. Welcome and good morning. We're

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going to have some people jumping on here any minute. But if you're catching up with

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this later as well, welcome. It's good to be with you. It's good to spend this time

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with you talking about healthy families and healthy connection and restoration and relationship.

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And guys, again, these are the things that life is about, right? Life is relationships.

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Life is connection. And it's really exciting for me to be a part of this, right? So welcome

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to the first session of the five-week parenting challenge. And if you joined us for the three-day

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parenting challenge, we've had some really amazing and powerful testimonies coming in,

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feedback and stories about life change, mindset shifting, encountering God, people feeling

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encouraged and refreshed and renewed. So guys, if you missed that, feel free to catch

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up. That is in the Raising Royalty page and parenting guide. But I'm just, yeah, I'm really

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excited for what the Lord's doing here. And it's a really significant time, right? So

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this is the first session of five weeks together where we're looking at how to deepen and strengthen

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our connections with our kids, right? So this morning, we kick off with part one of

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a two-part talk where we'll be focusing on how to reconnect and stay connected emotionally

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with our kids. And just keep in mind that the skills that we'll be looking at this week

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and next week will be helpful for both getting reconnected and staying connected, right?

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And strengthening those connections. But the focus this morning is going to be a little

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bit more on getting reconnected if things are feeling a little bit tense, right? So

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you might be thinking, well, I'm actually not all that disconnected from my kids, right?

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But just stick with us because if that's you, there's a couple key things to keep in mind

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here. First of all, these skills will help you even if you're just wanting to deepen

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your emotional connections with your kids, right? And I'm pretty sure that's all of us,

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right? And secondly, it's important to realize that you can actually be disconnected emotionally

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from someone without realizing it, right? So it's important to keep that in mind, right?

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You might think, you know, we're good, you know, we're doing actually, we're all pretty,

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you know, we're pretty good and things are going good. And my parents thought that, right?

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And I certainly thought that when I was a kid as well. But the thing is, we weren't,

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we actually weren't really all that good, right? And I didn't, I didn't even really

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know that until I started working through stuff. And so as I've worked on, you know,

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healing and emotional intelligence, as an adult, I've learned that in my childhood,

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my parents and I were actually very rarely emotionally connected. And, you know, that's

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actually hard for me to admit that it's hard to realize that and process that as an adult,

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but, but here's the thing. We don't know what we don't know, right? And so my parents just didn't

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have the skills and the tools in their tool belt to be consistently emotionally connected. So

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there's no, there's no shame, and there's no guilt in that. They just didn't have the tools yet,

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right? So, you know, there definitely was a level of emotional connection. And there

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were definitely times where, you know, we felt very emotionally connected as a family. But,

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but those times, you know, they just kind of happened by accident, so to speak, right? So,

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so what are some ways that you can tell if you're disconnected emotionally? Well,

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a practical example from my childhood that came to mind, you know, I was actually just quite,

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quite often really annoyed at my parents for things that were like totally normal, right?

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And, and kind of random and probably shouldn't have annoyed me. But I, but I didn't really know

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why. You know, I kind of thought that was normal, but it wasn't, right? Like I would,

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for example, I would get really annoyed at the way my mom,

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Would hold the steering wheel when she drove like that would just really bug me and I

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Didn't know why that's just really weird. All right. Why would that white that shouldn't that shouldn't that shouldn't have annoyed me?

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You know, but you know, it's important to realize, you know, that's one of the that's one of the signs of emotional disconnection

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It's kind of just being

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Annoyed at things that probably shouldn't be

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annoying right

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To use an example from my relationship with my wife Anna

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I noticed I'm probably disconnected emotionally from her

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Even though I'm not really aware of it at the time when maybe I don't really want to give her

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physical affection or maybe even receive

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physical affection right and

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So like maybe we're in the kitchen and she's cooking and I'm cleaning and it's even it's actually hard to just not to bump

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Into each other or maybe she'll she'll put her hand on me back and there's something just in me that just kind of tenses up

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That's another sign of emotional disconnection I just kind of go, okay, I'm noticing that

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But on the other hand when we're emotionally connected

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We're hugging or we're being really silly. We're snuggling

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we're usually really playful around each other like we'll be doing, you know, really silly dances and silly songs and

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Just being kind of goofy

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But when we're disconnected emotionally, there's just kind of this underlying sense of seriousness, right?

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And it's not necessarily because there's been any big fallout from a fight or anything, right? It's just like

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You know life just kind of happens and if we're not intentional

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about being connected

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You can just kind of gradually become

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Disconnected emotionally, right and here's a key point this morning. Is that

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Connection requires intentionality, right? You're either growing closer emotionally or you're growing apart

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Emotionally, and this is true of our relationship with the Lord as well

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But it's also true of our human relationships, right?

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It's just no cruise control when it comes to relationship

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even though I kind of think it feels that way and we think that right but

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You know emotional connection is everything in relationship. We're 100% wired

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for emotional connection and

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You know in the same way we'll starve and shrivel up physically without physical nourishment

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We'll also starve internally without emotional nourishment and connection

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All right. So some key points as we start off this morning. We're going on a new journey again. So stick with us, right?

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So what about when?

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I

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Was actually feeling really emotionally connected with my family as a kid

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You know the times I felt most emotionally connected

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Were the times that my parents just kind of happened to be using the skills that we're going to be going over in

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Today's talk right and the first one of those skills

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We're going to be talking about is understanding how to use the five love languages

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and

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You know five line love languages is probably something you've heard of it comes out of a really popular book by Gary Chapman

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Where he basically these dissects the five core ways in which we as humans

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Receive love right and it's really helpful for deepening connections not just for with our kids

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But even with our spouses and our partners, right? So

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What are the five love languages, right? So they are

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quality time

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Physical touch words of affirmation acts of service and gifts, right?

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So if you've heard this before stick with me, we just want to talk a little bit about each one

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And just and just shed a little bit of light, right? So

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Quality time is

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focused time

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And just stick with us we're on a journey here, right so it's it's focused

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Intentional time where you're emotionally and mentally engaged with the person, right? So there's probably lots of eye contact

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There's communication. There's

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Emotional engagement, right?

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So put away the phone or whatever it is that you're distracted with right and just be

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Present and engaged in the moment, right? That's quality time

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Next is physical touch, right? So that's pretty

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pretty self-explanatory

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but people with physical touch level language

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will probably need a lot of back rubs, even if they don't actually need a back rub if you know what I mean, um, and

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Next is words of affirmation. Alright, so words of affirmation isn't hey, you're amazing

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Words of affirmation people need to hear.

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Hey, I think you're amazing because... fill in the blank.

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I saw you do that thing and I noticed that it just showed me that this is the type of person you are.

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They need to know that you're thinking about what it is about them that you appreciate.

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Not just that you're amazing. You're amazing because...

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Next is acts of service.

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Acts of service is something that's over and above.

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My wife, Anna, has acts of service.

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She doesn't receive love necessarily when I tidy the kitchen every night because it's just the routine.

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But when she came down the other night and I'd done some extra tidying around the lounge and the downstairs area

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so it felt really clean and nice for her birthday the next morning,

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she felt her love tank filling up.

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Your kids with acts of service won't feel loved necessarily when you're just cooking dinner for them

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because it has to be something that says, I'm thinking about you.

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It has to be something that's over and above.

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And lastly is the gifts love language.

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A gift to a person who has this love language is basically physical proof

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that someone was thinking about you when you weren't together.

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So it doesn't have to be something that's expensive or even really cost anything.

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So maybe it's a little note that you put in their lunchbox.

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Or maybe I'm at the shop and I see the juice boxes and I think,

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I know that Jackson loves juice boxes. I'm going to get him some.

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And then I come home and say, hey buddy, I was thinking about you.

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I got you some juice boxes, right?

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The other key point for gifts love language is that it needs to be something that says, I know you.

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So maybe it's, I picked this flavor of ice cream because I know it's your favorite.

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Or, hey, I was at the shop and I got you the red lollipop because I know that red is your favorite color.

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So a gift is physical proof that someone was thinking about you when you weren't together

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and it's something that says, I know you.

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You probably know if your kid has a gifts love language if they kept coming up to you

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and giving you every random thing that was sitting around the lounge when they were little.

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And that actually leads into my next point which is that we're actually naturally wired

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to give love in the same ways that we're naturally wired to receive it.

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So that's a key point, right?

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This means that it might be a little bit challenging to give love in the specific way your kids need

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because it might not be the way that you naturally give it, right?

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So will this require some effort on our part?

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Absolutely, it will.

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But we can't just cruise and expect our connections to get deeper, right?

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So even though there's five love languages that we all kind of give and receive love in some capacity,

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there are going to be one or two that are really strong for each individual, right?

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Just because you might be doing some of these things doesn't mean your kids are feeling loved, right?

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Their love tanks aren't necessarily getting filled, right?

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It's kind of like each person has a different keyhole that opens the lid to their love tank.

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And it's our job to figure out which love language is the key that opens the lid to their love tank.

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Like my parents were really good at giving gifts, right?

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They knocked it out of the park in this area because that's their love language, right?

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But here's the thing. Gifts isn't my love language, right?

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Now did I like receiving gifts? Yeah, of course I did. I loved it.

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But it wasn't the key that I needed to open the door to my love tank so that it could get filled up with love, right?

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So my love languages are quality time and words of affirmation.

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Those are my two main ones, right? So that's what I needed.

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I needed quality time and words of affirmation.

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Which also just happens to be what was happening when I felt most emotionally connected to my parents

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when I think back on my childhood, right?

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So every few weeks we would go on a family drive to the beach or the mountains.

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Once or twice a year we would go on a weekend holiday getaway together.

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There wasn't any distractions. It was quality time together, right?

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which is also really important for words of affirmation person and

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Those are the times that I felt super connected and my love tank was really filled up, right?

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Um, I cherish those memories from my childhood

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But but the thing is is it wasn't you know, those aren't

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Those aren't the normal consistent things that were happening through my life

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They were you know, they weren't the norm right was kind of the thing that we would do every now and then

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Um, so how do you know

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What your kids love languages are right? How can you tell?

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Well, you can usually kind of just figure it out even from a young age if you're just looking for it, right? Um,

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Like with our 15 month old olivia, you know, she's definitely quality time

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Um love language, right? Like if she's doing something maybe she's playing with blocks

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Or she's trying on

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Every pair of shoes she can find right? She's she's definitely her mother's daughter

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um

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She just needs eye contact, right? She's just not happy

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But if you're giving her just simple focused attention and smiles and eye contact she's over the moon, right? She's just happy

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um completely different

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um now jackson

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Who's four?

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Um, you know his his number number one love language is is probably physical touch because you know, he just cannot function

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Without like multiple snuggles throughout the day, which is awesome

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And I probably wouldn't be able to either because I just absolutely adore that kid, right? Um,

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so

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Figure out what your kids love languages are and start being intentional

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about interacting with them accordingly

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um

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All right, so we're doing good

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Thanks for sticking with me what is

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The next skill right the next skill is nothing new

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Um, and it's been around for a really long time

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But for most of us with pride issues like myself

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um

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It won't necessarily be an easy thing to do right and that's simply finding out if there's anything you need to apologize for

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by asking

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If there's anything you can be doing better

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Right, so it's really practical

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But not necessarily easy, right

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Um, but it's important to keep in mind

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that even though this can be challenging for us, you know, these moments can be extremely valuable for our kids because

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It's an opportunity to model humility and taking responsibility

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Right, and it's one of the most effective ways to show

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um

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You know that you really love them and you really care about them, right?

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Because it's costing you something and they know it's hard for you

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Right, so it's it's a it's an amazing way to demonstrate how much you care about them and how much you value them

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um

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You know, these are the times that relationships grow and get strengthened quite often more so

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Than when everything is just cruising along

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Um, you know, so value the times where you get to be real and humble and apologize if it's needed

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All right, and i'll give you a personal example between myself and jackson, right so

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um a few months ago

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I was playing with jackson

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Or at least so I thought um, and I was pretending to be a robot and um, I didn't realize this

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But he was actually really afraid of robots at the time. Um, and I didn't know and that really

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It really scared him and it really affected him and um, even though over a period of like several days

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Um, we talked about it. I had apologized several times

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Um, but a few days after the fact it came up again

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Um that he was still feeling scared from that right and he was still just

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Um, so I said hey buddy. I'm so sorry. I did that. I would never want you to feel afraid

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um

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And then I asked him. I um, you know, are there any other times you felt scared around me?

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um, and I just I don't know why I just felt prompted to ask that and and he said

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yeah, and I said

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um when in

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And he said when I do bad things to livvy

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And I said, why is that bud? And he said, um, you know at the time

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Um, he was really struggling with aggression towards his sister, right and um,

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And we were a bit lost and frustrated and trying different discipline techniques that weren't really working

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um

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um, you know, but then he said

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You know when you get mad at me

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I feel like i'm bad and that really scares me

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Which is an amazing thing for a three-year-old to be able to articulate right? But um, but when he said that um

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Oh, man, my heart just broke and he he was he was crying and I was crying and I just said buddy

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um

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I'm

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So sorry it made you feel that way.

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You're not bad.

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You're not a bad kid, right?

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I said you're a good kid who's having a hard time.

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And so we just snuggled and reconnected

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and you could just feel

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it was a really powerful moment of reconnection.

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But see, we weren't necessarily all that disconnected

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before this, but I could sense that there was a level

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of connection that we might be missing.

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It just felt like something was a bit off.

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I couldn't really figure it out.

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But then this came up and it was the key.

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And our connection, our relationship,

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actually got way stronger after that point

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because we were able to work through this in a healthy way.

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All right, so how might these two tools,

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the love languages and apologizing,

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be used together to reconnect, right?

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Well, to give you another personal example,

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I'll be your guinea pig for you.

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I recently, I think it was last week,

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I got really angry and I raised my voice at Jackson, right?

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Because he was doing something

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that was really aggravating to Olivia.

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It always seems to be the reoccurring theme, right?

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It's usually Jackson doing something to Olivia.

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And we kept telling him to stop and kept telling him to stop.

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And finally, I just kind of lost my calm

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and I grabbed him and I pulled him away

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and I said, you just need to stop.

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And I just knew that I'd crossed the line

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and I could feel it inside.

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I felt really sad, I felt disconnected.

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And we as parents, we can usually tell, right?

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When we've crossed the line.

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So what did I do, right?

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He's physical touch love language.

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So I picked him up and I carried him over to the chair

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and I gave him a snuggle and said,

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hey, but I'm really sorry.

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I raised my voice at you like that.

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That wasn't okay with me, right?

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That probably made you feel a bit sad and scared, hey.

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And he said, yeah.

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And I said, will you forgive me?

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And he said, yeah, I forgive you.

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And it was a really special moment, right?

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Notice I didn't say, hey, I'm sorry I raised my voice at you

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but if you just listen to me, right?

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You can start blaming and shaming him.

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So what are the key steps to take away from that example?

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So acknowledge the action.

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Hey, but I'm sorry I raised my voice at you.

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That wasn't okay, right?

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Next, and then acknowledge how they probably felt, right?

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That probably made you feel a bit sad and scared, hey.

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And then just ask forgiveness.

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Will you forgive me?

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Without excuses or blaming or shaming, right?

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Because blaming and shame will only work

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to further disconnect you.

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So figure out your kids' love languages

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and be intentional, right?

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These are just a couple tools that will help us

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to reconnect or even just deepen our connections

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with our kids.

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So here's the challenge for you this week, right?

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Plan a time with each of your kids individually, one-on-one

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and say to them the following things, right?

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Oh, it's okay, right?

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Well, who's it gonna make me do?

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It's gonna be okay.

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Just stick with me, right?

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And you can use this script word for word if you want

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or you can paraphrase it if you want.

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But the first thing you can say is super simple

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and really powerful.

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All right, you ready?

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All right, so it's basically,

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hey, I just want you to know that I really care about you

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and I wanna be a better parent, right?

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And then say, so I'd really like to know,

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is there anything that you think I can do

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to be a better parent, right?

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Oh, it's a bit scary, right?

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But so powerful, right?

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If anything comes up that seems like an apology

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would be appropriate,

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then just use that simple example of apologizing.

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Acknowledge what it was that affected them

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and how it made them feel

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and simply ask them for forgiveness without excuses, right?

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Now, obviously this isn't gonna come naturally

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or easily for most of us, right?

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But that's exactly the point, right?

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You determine the value of something by its cost

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and I know that you believe that your connection

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with your kids is worth fighting for

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or else you wouldn't be watching this right now, right?

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And again, these moments can be extremely powerful

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in our kids.

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lives, right? It's the moments of vulnerability and humility that can

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actually be life-defining moments for our kids, right? That teach them it's okay

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to be real, and it's okay to make mistakes, and that we can actually clean

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up the messes that we make. It's really powerful, right? And most importantly, it

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will communicate our value for them and our connection with them in a really

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powerful way. Alright, so you can do this. I believe in you. You have what it takes.

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This is really big. I know it's really seems really foundational and simple, but

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again, it's really, really powerful if we just follow through, right? And so next

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week, we're gonna be talking about understanding the four core needs that

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are inherent to every single person and how, you know, how we can partner with

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that understanding to stay connected with our kids. So this is really big

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stuff. I'm really excited about this talk next week, and actually understanding

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these core needs will actually serve and benefit us in all of our relationships,

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00:26:11.080 --> 00:26:15.400
right? Not just our kids, but with our bosses and our workmates, right? It's

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actually, it's really effective and practical and powerful way to win

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friends and influence people, right? Just understanding how people are wired. So

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this is the beginning, guys. Session one. Next five weeks is gonna be

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revolutionary. I'm really excited to hear the testimonies of the transformation

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that comes out of this time together. And yeah, be sure to tune in with us. Same

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time next week, 7 a.m. Wednesday morning, New Zealand time. And let's do this, guys.

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It's gonna be awesome. We're gonna change the world together through

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connection and through family, right? So bless you. Thanks for sticking with us. I

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hope this has been encouraging and helpful. I'm sure it will be once we

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follow through, and I believe in you guys. You can do this. And onward and upward,

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alright? So we will. We'll catch you next time, alright? Alright, see ya. Bye.