Oh, hey everyone.
Hope you're well.
I hope some people jump on here to join me.
Not just talking to a screen, but I'm sure a lot of you will catch up with this later
on.
Hopefully you are having some fun in lockdown with the fam.
Yeah.
Hey, I just wanted to share a story with you guys, which is a real life example.
Happened for me a couple of days ago with Jackson, and I think it was a win.
I think it was good, and I think there was some things that I might be able to share
which might be helpful.
So what happened was, this is the day before yesterday.
There was something that Jackson wanted to do that we couldn't really help him with.
So there was an activity he wanted to do, and so Anna and I chatted about it, and we
decided this isn't actually something we can do right now.
Anna had to take Olivia for a nap, and I had to be focused on work during that time.
So we said, hey bud, that's not going to work, so we're really sorry that we can't
actually do that for you right now, because it requires too much supervision.
So we needed him to be a little bit more self-sufficient, something that didn't require so much supervision,
and he wasn't happy about that answer.
He really wanted what he wanted, and usually he's pretty easygoing and kind of accepts
things because he's just learned that he's not in charge.
He didn't used to know that.
It's taken some time to get there, and some learning, and some learning the hard way.
But this particular occasion, he was testing limits, so he wasn't happy, and he's being
very vocal about that.
He said, no, I want to do this, and we said, no buddy, I'm sorry.
That's not going to work.
I'm really sorry.
We can't do that right now.
And he's saying, no, I want to, you know, it escalated quite quickly, at which point
he starts yelling, and no, no, no, no, and so, you know, we just stayed, or at this point
it's just me, so I stayed quite consistent and calm, but firm, and said, hey buddy, I'm
sorry, that's not going to work.
And so he starts yelling louder, no, no, and I said, hey bud, that's not going to work
for you, you know.
Yeah, we're not going to change our mind.
You know, there's a key phrase that's been really helpful in moments of conflict like
that is just gently, calmly saying, hey bud, I'm sorry, that's not going to work.
If they're yelling, that's not going to work for you.
And then also, we're not going to change our mind is a really helpful, it's a really helpful
phrase, because then you're also kind of speaking to yourself, I'm not going to change
my mind.
And it's really important, you know, that we don't, you know, it's, there was a point
where Jackson was, it's carried on for quite some time, where I was thinking, man, it would
have actually been easier and probably less time consuming for me just to do this thing.
But if we were to have changed course and then said yes, then what happens is we're
teaching him that he can, you know, he can manipulate us.
And then he's all of a sudden, he's the boss, and he's in charge.
And that's actually really scary for him.
You know, it might feel good in the moment.
But we, it was funny, it's throughout the process, he's actually saying, you know, I
was, he's saying, I want to be in charge.
He's kind of figured things out, you know, and he said, I want to be in charge.
And I said, hey, bud, you know, that's actually, that would actually be really scary for you
to be in charge.
You know, it's really hard to be in charge.
And I want to be in charge, and I'm sorry, bud, that's not gonna work.
And so, you know, you have a choice.
I had a choice in this moment, you can kind of go a few different ways, you can, you can
do the passive parenting and let him have what he wants, which isn't, isn't gonna work.
That's not an option.
Not a good one, at least.
Or you could do what, you know, what a lot of parents do, which is the opposite of that
and kind of do that, no, I said no, and shut it down with force and authoritarianism and
which really kind of just shuts, shuts them down and shuts, shuts their little heart down.
So that's not a good option either.
So what you need to do is you actually just need to stay connected with them, stay firm,
stay firm in what you've told them, so they know that you're going to do what you said
you were going to do.
You know, that was another thing I kept saying to him is, but I need, I need you to know,
I need to be able to teach you.
that I'm gonna do what I say I'm gonna do you know because if I teach you I'm
not gonna do what I say I'm gonna do that's really scary for you and and so
after a while you know he's starting to calm down you know and what happened was
I kind of just sat I turned him so he's sitting next to me and I've got my arm
around him and he's he's quite dysregulated for a while you know he's
not he's not happy but I'm just really gentle and I'm just really I'm just
really positive and affirming saying hey bud I really I love you so much I'm
sorry you're feeling this way I'm sorry you're feeling sad you know and and and
you know there's another key for you in this which is you have to connect before
you can redirect because when they're amygdalas firing their lower brain they
can't actually reason that well so you can't just you know I could I explained
to him why but until he's feeling safe and regulated it's not gonna have much
of an effect so I just had my arm around him and I just said hey bud we're
gonna get through this I've got you I love you and just also affirming how
they're feeling you know saying hey you're feeling really sad your feet you
really wanted to do that thing didn't you you know and so you just journeying
with them and you're so what you're doing is you're actually seeking of for
connection can you have to connect before you can redirect and so you know
I could have tried to rush it I could have tried to force it I could have
tried to say hey bud you know just this is what it is and too bad and kind of
left him there in his dysregulated state to to try and be a you know basically be
alone in his his pain which isn't a great option either so yeah it was it
was a bit time-consuming of a process but it was a really big win if you can
just stick with them in connection and walk through them what walk with them
through it you know and in just affirm and connect affirm and connect hey you're
feeling this is really hard for you I'm really sorry you know and then once
once you reach a point of connection you know a brain a child's brain can
actually self-regulate it's actually not capable the only way they learn
regulation is through co-regulation so when you're connecting with them and
offering them a sense of comfort and safety then their brain can actually
regulate the upper brain actually reaches down connects with the lower
brain it says it's gonna be okay and so once I could kind of start to feel that
he was starting to regulate calm down then you can redirect you know and so I
kind of used another another little parenting hack to redirect which you
know at some point when I felt like it was it was time and he was able to move
on I said to him hey hey buddy I really hope you don't make me do something
silly right now and you know just kind of try not to smile and I said oh but
please don't make me do something silly right now and so he immediately snaps
out of it you know it took a long time to get to that point but but the point
is you need to connect with them before you can redirect but the other point
which is really important is if you say you're gonna do something you have to do
it or else they learn that you know they can they can manipulate you so there's
kind of this this false notion that positive parenting is passive parenting
well actually um it's actually takes a lot of you know a lot of strength to be
connected with someone in a distraught dysregulated state and not change what
you're gonna say you what you said you're gonna do and also not just to
shut them down you know and say you know too bad for you and be a Thor
authoritative about it so you know it's it's it's the hard road but it's the
better road so anyway you know today it was funny today he wanted to do that
same thing at the same time and that wasn't gonna work for us and we said hey
but it's the same as yesterday that's not gonna work for us and he was totally
fine immediately moved on because he had learned that he wasn't gonna get his way
but we didn't shut him down he wasn't shut down in the process he was fully
affirmed and connected and he knew that he's gonna be okay and that his needs
mattered in his you know his heart mattered because we stay connected with
him through the process so anyway that's the story hope I haven't rambled too
much but hope it's helpful another quick note we're gonna be doing a parenting
challenge in the group in a couple of weeks September 15th so I'll drop some
details for that in the comments feel free to sign up for that if you want to
get on the list and then yeah we're gonna have some fun it's gonna be really
good so hope you guys are good and we'll catch you next time alright cheers guys
thanks