Hey, Renata, can you hear me?
There you are.
Hello.
Hi, let me see.
That's a very bad light.
Let me see.
Is this better or the light is really bad.
No, that's all right.
It's probably just a desk lamp or something, right?
That's kind of usual for desk lamps.
It's, uh, yeah.
Yeah, you're great.
It's a little fuzzy.
And so I don't know if that's the light or if it's just, I
don't know the quality of my video.
No, I think, should I try with my iPad?
This is bad.
Whatever you'd like to do.
That I never used before.
It's very, yeah.
Oh, it might be the computer or I mean, meaning like the software.
I think it's, uh, uh, it's, it's very, it's good because it's big, but it's not very,
I don't think the camera is that great.
Let me see.
That's fine.
Whatever works for you.
I'm fine.
Let's see if this works better.
I'll try it and then see.
Okay.
Let me try and see if it's working.
Okay.
Um,
No, it's no, it's no, it's no, it's no.
It's better.
Yeah, I think it's good.
Um, yeah.
Yeah.
There you go.
Yeah.
I think it was great.
Yeah.
And the camera's like following you around and everything.
So it's like a better, better,
new iPad.
So it's, um,
congratulations.
How fun.
So it's a much better camera.
Yeah.
Well, it's good to see you.
Did you have a good, um, holiday, like Christmas and New Year's?
I had a really, really good, um, holiday.
Um, there was, like I told you there, I was feeling like I was starting to create
with God and had a mini concert and, uh, yeah, that was like amazing.
And just, uh, I talked to a guy that was like, Oh, maybe I have an opportunity
for you that you can sing more.
And, um, I feel like I was stepping out and it was kind of hard, but it was also
very, it was like taking leaps of faith.
And, um, also I was blogging more on Facebook, like writing things and, uh,
getting, yeah, just like, not just that I got feedback, I did get some feedback
and people talking to me, but it was more just the feeling that I'm expressing
myself through writing and this is my heart and this is something that I care
about and that I actually dare to say something.
In Norway, it's very politically incorrect to talk about Israel.
It's different than the United States.
So you kind of have to be pretty brave to talk about Israel.
And it's a country that's there to my heart.
And I just really wanted to.
share my heart about it and um I felt like by doing something doing that that I was being
more brave than I have been with my writing for a while. So that was um so it was a lot of good
things happening and also at home things with my family and then being home for Christmas
um sending my sister and her family off to Hawaii. Oh wow. Uh going to Hawaii for three months uh
with a youth with a mission if you heard about that. Okay. So um yeah so
yeah they were I'm trying to think if you've heard so long ago. Yeah. Yeah there were good
things happening in the relationship. Yeah. Good. Good so um how how um like I don't know really
how to start but just let me know what's on your heart. I'm really sorry to hear that something
terrible has happened. Yeah um and then um it's just my my roommate's coming in. Oh yeah a little
roommate. Yeah she's going to bed. Oh okay.
And then on a new year's eve uh
um my roommate and I um went to a party and we had a lot of fun with some friends and
then 2 30 in the morning we were walking back home and uh long story short uh a guy
followed us that we didn't see no or that we I hadn't noticed him and he
and I didn't have any warning and he was suddenly physically on me half his side on me
and I was staring into a craze a face of a crazy person and then he exposed himself in like um
sexually uh and this kind of mix of kind of really really crazy things in his face
and I don't know uh exposed himself like literally physically his body on me and
um I screamed and jumped and froze and uh my friend reacted with anger and fighting
so she started to fight him and running after him and she called told me to call the police
and um I tried to stop some people and they probably thought I was crazy so they didn't
even bother I called the police had a long like lots of confusion and misunderstanding on the phone
and then my friend is screaming and I am extremely scared that he is raping her
and um in like a back alley in the city where we live and um I start screaming and yelling for help
it's 2 30 in the morning and there comes men out of the house I don't know they were sleeping or
celebrating new year's and then um and then they
um run after him and he lets go of my friend and after he has he hasn't raped her but he
assaulted her in the same way that he did with me and also held her face and held her so she
couldn't get loose and um and I'm also freezing because I feel guilty like I can't do anything
but part of me is like you should run after and help her but I can't because I'm freezing
and also because I'm so scared so they run after him and they can't get him and the police come
and several police cars and it becomes a huge deal uh they get dogs to chase him and um
yeah and finally they catch him and then we go through like kind of identifying him and then we
go through after like um when you have to talk everything they
record everything and you tell everything that happened and then they all ask if we
want to prosecute him and we say yes that we're going to prosecute him and
and then it's like a two hour deal it goes on for two hours and people come and watch
and then the police drive us home yeah so and I think I was in shock for like a week
yeah this is I don't know it just the sexual part of it and the shock of it and that he was
physically on me yeah and that I didn't have any time to prepare and just a lot of shame and guilt
that I didn't help my friend just lots of things I just felt like I was so I've been or I feel like
I'm so invaded and I struggled to sleep and I would just see his face and his correct I couldn't
get any like the picture of him off out of my mind yeah so then I've been in contact with the police
and also a center for I don't guess victims of sexual like anything from rape to assault or
harassment or like yeah and that's so and then like the amazing thing through it is that I have
felt God be so close to me I felt like I haven't been mad at him I haven't been really like are you
why did this happen and why what happened and what you know I haven't been questioning him a lot
barely anything and I felt his presence and his love and that he was there like he protected me
and I felt like kind of like I don't know somehow peace though I've been rattled and in shock and
everything and also kind of just him leading me and me and how to yeah but it's but it's still
like I barely have been able to go to work and then I at work and it was in the newspaper
what happened and yeah the story of what happened and we got loose and blah blah blah and he was
prostituted so so after that it's been I don't know trying telling a few people but then
so what happened afterwards this this was new year's eve so it's 11 days ago
is that I've been just trying to do little normal things just normal things and and
trying to accept that I feel all these kind of feelings and not condemn myself and
and I told to I thought I'm not going to be able to go to work
and people were telling me maybe you should take a few days off but then I just wanted normalcy
not just things to be normal so I decided to tell a couple of people at work and that's the kind
the people that I work the closest with and that I care the most about and work with the most but
they're also the people that I have struggled with quite a bit since I started working with like
and I've been working with you a bit about walking in rest and because I and I but the
thing is that they they one of them is supposed to be my in part of the week she's part of me to
be my second teacher that's like she's supposed to be with me the whole time and basically do
what I tell her to do like I'm the English teacher and then she's my teacher's assistant
yes and but she for various reasons she always has good reasons doesn't come
and she doesn't show up or she leaves or she says like I need to do this and this and it's
more important than being in your class and for a while I just accepted them and then I
talked to her about it and then she said she was going to change and then it happened again
the next week and I talked to her again and then she said well it's just the way it is to be a
teacher to survive you just have to do these things and then I just accepted it and then
after Christmas you know this fall I told her again that I'm sorry I would love to give you
more leeway but I actually need you in the class there's such needs and I also need it
personally as a teacher yeah
and then she said she understands it's okay and that just took a week and she stopped follow-up
so then I think and it's been going on ever since and I think that's when I talked to you and I said
I think now I approached her three times about it and now I just want I think I'm just gonna
and what came up is like because I sometimes can be pretty good at addressing things hopefully in
a good way but I was like maybe but this rattles me and stresses me out so much and I am actually
able to be in rest through this whether she comes and go I don't have to be affected I don't have to
of course you're affected but you know what I mean it doesn't have to change who you are
so then I was walking through this with you and also other things that happened in class just
to be okay no matter what she did yeah you know but in this incidence I tell them
because and that I actually definitely need them so what's happened after this come up is that I
felt so much anger towards them and also towards my sister and other friends because they don't
see how serious it is for me and some of them some have expressed that they think it's really
really serious and kind of understand it but some of my closest ones haven't and I've been so mad
but I'm not mad at the guy for some reason like I can't feel anger towards him but this comes up so
much anger and loneliness and and hurt from people and that I've told that they haven't
been in touch with me or asked how it's going or been able to meet or asked or taking an initiative
and I thought that it's touching something deep and old that has to do with blaming that I see
that I am I think I'm a very generous people usually with people but because I've been in
such need like you know my history of 20 years of sickness I have been in such need that I have had
at times a bit of a victim mentality and also kind of felt angry sometimes when people haven't been
able to help me and that I've known that they in my mind I know that they're trying as well as they
can and that they love me and care for me and blah blah blah but it's something that has come
up every once in a while these 20 years that I'm alone and no one helps me and it it goes back to
the root issue of being abandoned as a baby as a baby so I've been like yes maybe some of them
are not understanding it and doing everything wrong but I also think that I have an issue
with blaming that's coming up now so it's like in one way it's like yes these two teachers are
exploiting me they're not doing their job and they are taking advantage of me being kind and yes
maybe my sister and some of my friends they could have called more or they could have called or they
could have wanted to meet or they could have done things but I know they love me and I know they're
there for me so but then also I have this blame issue that I really really want to get rid of so
with active work I'm like you know that story about your life really touched me and I really
want to live by the spirit and this and not by my soul and so if if but I can't know I don't know
what the spirit is saying I don't know I just know what my soul is hurting so my soul wants to
kind of like tell them this is not okay set boundaries I'm not going to handle this anymore
I'm going to go to the leadership the principal and or I'm going to ask them to set in another
teacher you know because it's too much I can't deal with especially now when I'm so weak and I
barely am able to get to work but another part of me is like well I can be at rest no matter what
even though I this this happened to me and even though I'm so weak and even though they are so
unstable and come and go and say please I can still be at rest so then I'm like you know with
your story you didn't confront him or you know told him what was right or wrong you just let you
just felt in your spirit to be in this situation and to love him and to lift him up and tell what
you saw who he was in God you know even though he wasn't a Christian and these aren't either so I'm
like but that just creates so much anger in me the thought of
just letting them accepting it, accepting the way they treat me, because they're kind of getting
used to me being so nice that now they don't even apologize anymore. So correct. So and with my
friends, do I tell them like, please help me like, I am in I am in such need, would you please call
would you please visit? And I it's just and I just feel horrible even just having to ask people so
close to you about that? Or do I just know, this is a blame issue, this is your problem,
you need to deal with this and they love you. Just and if you believe that, then you wouldn't
demand this of this and even I don't know. So I just I don't know how to go through this living
by the spirit when I don't know what the spirit is saying, or like, and here's my soul and my
wounds and pain and anger and hurt and loneliness. And I don't know. I don't know,
like what to do, like, I really want to be free from this blaming things. And then I don't know,
is it blaming or is the issue more, they are not taking initiative, and I get hurt. And it's just
natural. It's just normal, you just get hurt. And maybe it would be better if they took more
initiative. And you're right, it's okay. You know, it's like, and then you get into the right
and wrong, you know, living by judging, and I don't want to go into that either, that judging
them or judging myself, because I'm very good at judging myself. So I'm like, what's going on? I
don't I don't even know what's going on. I don't even know where my soul finds peace. I'm I don't
know how to handle work and relationship and my own issues. And what's my responsibility and what
the spirit spirit is telling me. I just know that I want to be free. And I also know that I want to
get over this. But I also know that if you're touched in such a way, and especially when it's
sexual, it can take a while, maybe I just need to accept it. Oh, it's going to take a few weeks or
a few months, and then you'll be okay. And the people at the crisis center, they kind of said
that that everything you're feeling is normal. I was she was like, I would also feel very, very,
like I would feel harassed if someone did this to me, violated, or violated. Yes, I would be
very, very scared. And it's very normal to have reactions like you are feeling guilt and shame.
What could I have done? Why did I freeze? Why didn't I act like? So she says, it's totally
normal. And you're going to be okay. And it's going to take some time. And I'm going to be there for you.
So then maybe all of this is just normal. And maybe I'm angry at them, because they're safe.
And he's not safe. So I can't be angry at him. Like we kind of are the people we are rude to
are the closest not people that sometimes even are mean to us. It's the closest that people
those because we feel safe. So maybe all this is just normal. And I just need to accept it and not
do anything. Yeah, well, I want to encourage you, you've done an excellent job, phenomenal job.
And so again, as encouragement, you're being too hard on yourself. So in other words, you there's
some things that you're carrying that you can let go of that you can put down. So it's, it is, yes,
we want that relationship with the Lord that the interaction with the Lord where we do everything
from rest. In other words, he's already done everything. So there's nothing left for us to do,
we don't have to protect ourselves, we don't have to fight for ourselves, you don't have to whatever
is he, he'll do all of that. So once we're in that particular posture with him,
now we act. Now we do. So there are things that you can do. So you don't have to think, Oh, well,
these people are doing these things to me. And there's nothing sorry, I know you're talking,
you've talked about like multiple things. So let me tell you what specifically I'm talking about.
And then we'll go through, like, for instance, you know, the thing with that, like the teachers
or whatever. And I'm just using that as one example out of the things you talked about.
And I could also go for Well, how do I pursue my healing related to this traumatic event? Or what
do I do with these relationships with people that I have needed stuff from and haven't been there,
you know, so I'm just going to first talk about this one. And just because it feels like the
easiest one to kind of use as an example and try to explain is, you're, you know, being in a place
of rest with the Lord, okay, Lord, you know, I don't have to be threatened by all of this. You
know, by the fact that I need these TAs, that's what we call them in America, you know, teachers
assistant, that I need these teachers assistants to be here, I don't have to be threatened.
By how they're treating me and whatever. I just I really follow that to you and I'm at rest
So now that I'm at rest
What oh, you know, you are you're a son of God and so from that place of being a son of God
What are some of the ways in which God calls us to act on this to do he calls us to bring order?
and so if you are not get you've given them multiple chances you've you've
Expressed grace to them that they had a choice of how to respond to and
They didn't respond appropriately. In other words, here's what they did. They abused it. They didn't receive it
So then using your grace and just taking advantage of it is actually it's very weird to think about
But they actually rejected your grace. They didn't receive it and remember what God says
He says hey if you offer something to someone like say for instance
You're going you told the disciples you go from town to town if the people receive you will then allow your grace your peace to stay
But if they don't receive you
Then shake the dust of the town off your feet. Do not bring your peace back to you
Because they've rejected it. So bring it back. So in other words you are in a position of rest with the Lord
You're not
Internally emotionally spiritually
Fighting them and attacking them and I feel threatened by them and they shouldn't do this to me or whatever
But something still that action still needed to be done
You still you were caught you're in a position of authority
so you
Appropriately stand in that position of authority. You've been given that right so exercise it
You know why authority is given to people for the benefit of those underneath them
So you it's not just that you're needing things
It's that you're in a position and so you're held responsible for what happens underneath you this underneath you right now is in chaos
And so you have the authority to bring it into order. So you follow whatever chain of command is necessary
You've given them grace you you know, you've talked to them about it and they keep doing this
Okay, we're running it up the supply pole running running it to the principal or whatever and then you can do that
But so we have to step so when we're operating from a place of rest
It doesn't mean we stop doing these things
It means that now we do these things from a place of rest now
Sometimes the things that we were doing
You can't do from a place of rest sure
And so therefore sometimes when you're in a place of rest you do different things you do different actions
But sometimes you do the same actions
But now you're doing it from a place of rest because remember God says it's not the actions that are important. It's your heart
It's where you're positioned. It's what it is. You're believing about the Lord. It's that approach. Remember?
That's what Jesus was telling the Pharisees
He's like hey
If you if you're angry in your it towards your brother in your own mind or in your own heart
You've all it's as if you've already murdered him. He's like because the whole the sin
Happens before the action the action is simply a result of the of your at your belief
You know in your approach. So anyway, there are things that that
You know that you can do and you don't think oh, well, I can't do those things
I'm not supposed to do those things. Those things are bad. You'd only do those things if you're not in rest. That's not true
It's into a place of rest. Now. What does the Lord call you to do?
How does he he doesn't just call you to be at rest when you're at rest?
There's things to do meaning like once you're in that position
Once you're seated in that position in God where he takes care of everything. You're his beloved son
He doesn't have you do nothing there. He's like, okay now I'm gonna teach you how to rule
I can teach you how to bring order to your particular area that I have entrusted you with and whatever and
Etc. So that's that's one thing as far as like, you know with that with them, you know
You're your wounds with these other people
but
But even
So you're saying in this position that
Even the teacher is she's the main teacher of the class. So she in one way
She's an authority over me. But in this instance, she's my assistant
She's my second chair
Mmm, she's not an assistant. She's not an assistant. No, okay
She's the main teacher but to fill up her job 100% job. She needs to take second chair
classes
So we are in a way equal but it's so she's not English educated so she can't teach English
Okay, that's why she's my second chair
But in her normal job
she's the main teacher and has authority over me in the class. Okay. So what were you talking
about where you were wondering, Oh, why should I go to the principal? How, because if you're
not doing your job, well, yeah. Okay. Okay. So I misunderstood, but still you would do the same
thing. Like say for instance, if you're under her, if you still, you can get now, you know,
again, you position yourself in a place of rest with the Lord. I've had to do this with bosses
too, meaning like, or supervisors, you know, whatever, they're not really your boss,
but you're a supervisor and it's very complicated, you know, and it's like,
and you try really hard to address it directly with them. But if you can't.
You, you know, go, you go, if, you know, whenever it's appropriate, which hopefully you're,
we're usually in positions where you are afforded the opportunity. You go to who you can,
if it's, and, and talk to them about it and say, Hey, look, this is the position I'm in.
I don't know what to do. I, all of the responsibility is now put on me.
Or were you aware that this is happening? Is this what's appropriate? And obviously it's not,
but what you're trying to do is you're trying to help the person instead of coming in guns blazing,
as we say in America, just like, Hey, this isn't right. Now I'm not being treated right.
The thing is that a lot of times the principal bosses, supervisors, whoever leadership don't
like that approach because they're human beings. Their immediate feeling is I have to protect
myself against this person. So they're less likely to work with you. So basically I'm just talking
about like how to work with human psychology. So the thing is that if you're going to someone,
you're like, Hey, look, I'm in this difficult position. It's not coming in as a, you know,
Hey, look, you know, this isn't right. It's more like, okay, this is the situation.
They're the main teacher, but I'm being given all of the work. I can't. I thought that it,
that we weren't supposed to handle all of these students there, but I'm, I'm being that my
situation is I'm the only one handling all of these students. And I've talked to the lady about
it multiple times. What's even better is if you have anything, you're writing to be able to
present to her and show, Hey, look, these are the conversations we've had. It's been going on
for a while. This is my position. Is there anything that, what, what steps can I take
to get some help? So you see how you're not blaming someone and trying to get them in trouble.
You're asking for help for yourself. And then, you know what I'm saying?
And, but then two things will happen. One thing is that you said that you did not, when your peer
was abusing you verbally, you said that the reason why you didn't go to the boss was that, you know,
that they wouldn't do anything because they were sitting after him, abusing and telling you how
horrible it was, but they were doing. And there's a good chance that will happen here because there
are men in position that I don't think this woman has a lot of authority and power. They're not
going to do anything. I think they are actually a little bit afraid of her. There's a good chance
that they will do nothing. And also the second thing is that she's my friend. So we personally
have a relationship and she could, she could accept it, but she could get extremely offended
and mad at me. And my whole work situation could be hell because we have a relationship.
Like we talk about, like, I really, really like her and enjoy her. It's just that, and she's in
a place where there are hard things going on in her life. So it's kind of showing, this is the,
one of the side effects of it, like she's stressed and everything. So then she just thinks like, oh,
I know when off with her friends, then I'll just, I can just like skip her classes because she'll
understand, you know, so then it could end up being very hard at work. And I could end up with
leaders saying, well, we don't know what to do. Talk to her yourself. Yeah. But, but should I
Well, so here's the thing you're in a very difficult situation now, and you're saying
there's a potentially difficult situation that's coming. So the thing is you have to decide for
yourself. Are you willing to just stay in this position and not try? Or are you willing to try?
You just have to decide because you're right. There's a risk either way. One thing is the way
that we say in English and the cliche is you're, you're, you're with a devil, you know, in other
words, you're in a situation where you already know how bad it is, but you want, you've already
known and figured out how to work in that environment. It's just wearing you down. But
what keeps us there in a horror in a horrible situation so often is we're
We're so afraid of the devil.
We don't know.
In other words, if I do this, will it get worse?
So one of the things you can think about, yeah, but if you stay where you are,
it'll be worse too, because it just keeps going and it just works out, you know, or
whatever, but, uh, so anyway, I, uh, so I really don't know what it is that, you
know, you want to do and how you should handle it.
Me, my situation, it was, that was the choice that I made.
I, it's not that, and, and I actually had other choices.
I could have gone to HR.
I could have gone above my boss and got to my, because we're all the, and, um,
the way that it was set up is, um, my, at that particular organization, they
always give you an opportunity to go above people if you need help and to
talk to your bosses, bosses, boss, if you need to, you know, in order to
actually get help and they do that to help prevent people from being in your
situation.
And so I learned from that, okay, that's a really healthy way, you know, to do
things, but I didn't do it.
I don't remember why, or if at the time I didn't even think about it, but I did
know I had the opportunity to go to HR and I chose not to.
Um, I just asked the Lord, okay, Lord, is there a different way?
How do you want me to handle this?
And just because I handled it that one way, that time doesn't
mean that I do it again.
You know, also you talked about the fact that I just continue to stay in the
situation and just stayed in rest and all of that.
Well, two things, one, um, about, I don't know, eight months later, 10 months, I
mean, I tell stories about that time and it feels like it was a very long time.
But when I look back, I realized, you know, it really wasn't that long, but
every minute felt like an hour.
I mean, it was just, you know, and, um, but the thing is that after, I don't
know, however many months I was so worn out, even though everything was good.
Now I was so worn out from how much I'd had to deal with that.
I eventually told them I need to be relieved at this position.
He and I are good now, you know, whatever, but I am sober now from having gotten to
this point that I need help.
And I was very grateful.
The person that I talked to was actually my boss's boss's boss.
Like I told you, they give us opportunity to go up the chain if we need to.
And I happened to be in a conversation with him and I told him, this is the
situation you said, I've been, I've talked to too many people in my career that are
where that are talking like you are now.
And if I don't help you right now, you're, I know you're going to leave.
I said, Oh no, sir.
I'm not talking about that.
He said, I have too much experience, Ashley.
If you're finally coming to me at this point, he said, I will fix it.
And he did.
So he moved me out and that was after I won the battle.
That was months, months after I'd won the battle.
But the battle was so hard that eventually I asked.
So, so my point is, even though I was, I had done and I learned so much with the
Lord about rest and done and walked so that he taught me so much and I had, I
had obeyed him in so much, et cetera.
I finally, my soul finally was just so stretched.
Something had to give.
I needed relief and I needed a time of healing.
I needed a time where I didn't have that factor in my life.
And so I asked God and I then asked my boss.
If I could get out, I did ask God first and I know, and I asked him, you know,
where my peace was and whatever.
And remember, if you cannot hear God and hear where your peace is, and we've
talked through various ways that you can do that.
If you, if you try all those things and you still can't find, hear, hear that
peace from the Lord or feel like an openness or freedom towards something,
pick what your, where your soul would find peace, pick what would give you relief.
You know, and, um, because here's the thing, remember we're learning.
This isn't a test, like God's taught us all this stuff and
now we just have to perform.
We're learning things.
And that means that you don't know.
And it doesn't mean that I have to always do the hardest thing.
Like you, you do not always have to have a hard way to put it.
I also always think that it must be the most pain because I'm used to it.
That is a good point.
I do the same.
I've done the same thing.
My mother told me that.
I don't know if I was in high school or college or what she said, Ashley,
why do you always pick the hardest path? And I, and I, my mind, I was thinking,
well, because that's what I thought that my parents taught me. That's what I thought God
taught me is you is that whatever it is that you don't want to do is the thing that God wants you
to do. And whatever you want to do is the thing that God doesn't want you to do. So therefore
that equated in my mind to always pick the path of most resistance, right? So I've had to learn
that's not God. Now, sure. Sometimes God asks us to do things that our flesh doesn't want to do,
but the hardest path and the least, uh, the most resistance and the last thing we want to do does
not equate as this formula to what God wants you to do. So sometimes, and that has been a
tremendous healing thing for me is to see and feel and experience God's acceptance of me.
When I tried to find my peace where he, where, where he wanted me to go. And I'm like, yeah,
but God, I can't, I don't know what that is. I don't know where you're telling me to go. I don't,
I can't hear it. Where is your, where's my spirit finding peace? I don't know. Okay. Lord, this is
the only other route I know. I don't know this one. I'm asking you and I can't hear you. So
I'm going to pick this one. I'm still looking for you, Lord, but this is the only one I can find.
And then to, to actually do it. And then to experience that God's still okay with me to
see how it all works out. I'm like, and sometimes it works out pleasantly and sometimes it doesn't,
but I find that God's still okay with me. I'm like, oh, so this whole life thing isn't as hard
as I thought because God still loves me. And he's so kind to me. And I'm still in just as
much connection with him. When I, when I make this choice, then when I make this one, so we keep,
I didn't know about you, but I was always taught you lose connection with God. If you make the
wrong choice, it's just not true. It's just absolutely not true. God's just like, well,
that's not what I wanted you to learn when you learn this over here. So let's try again,
you know? And so anyway, that's what I would, that's what I would do, you know, in your
situation. And remember that just because it's hard right now, doesn't mean you need to keep it
hard. So my point is just like what I did, I had it really hard for a while. And then finally,
I'm just like, I know it's a lot better now. I mean, like it's like a thousand times better,
but I'm, I'm just, I'm just stretched and I've been stretched too long and I need relief.
I think that's what happened when this happened with this guy. I was like, because I've been in
this with these two ladies for one and a half years. Yeah. It's not just happened. I've been
patient and patient and I addressed them several times. Yeah. And now I thought it was even just
one semester. And I thought that was a long time. My goodness, a year and a half. No. And I get so
angry at them. And I think I'm going to start acting cold towards them because it's affecting
the relationship because it's like, it's too much. Like I'm, I'm getting very, very
and I've been friends with one of them. And now I'm like, I don't even want to be friends with
you anymore because I'm hurting so much and you still do this to me. So I probably have reached
some kind of level where, yeah. And that I, yeah. Where it's too much. They're not treating you like
a friend. So here's the thing that you can think about in situations like that, where, where you're
really hurt by friend is to realize, okay, wait just a second. Why am I, have I continued to
choose and then continuing to choose this friendship? Is it because I need something from
them? So I'm willing to allow myself to just be beaten up by the experience. Well, if so, then
that might be an issue that I'm needing it that bad. In other words, maybe I'm looking for them
to provide something that either they, as people don't want to give or can't give, or I'm supposed
to be looking to God for, you know, whatever, like if I'm willing to be in an abusive and I don't
mean to be taking a really hard word and put it into, but you know what I mean? Like a situation
which you're not being treated well, you know, if, if, if I'm willing to put up with all of this
in order to get this thing, that sounds like an, an unhealthy addiction. It sounds like an
unhealthy connection that I am continuing to put myself in. So one of the things you could think
about is you're like, well, wait a minute. What if I lose my friendship with them? What if they get
really offended, whatever, what have they been? They have been telling you, and this did me,
made a huge difference in my life. When I went to a counselor one time and he told me this thing,
I was having a problem with a friend of mine. And he said, Ashley said the way friendships work
is everyone draws a boundary line. Ashley, I'm willing to be friends with you to this point.
He said, you have to accept the fact that that's as far as they're willing to go.
So you think, okay, that's as far as they're willing to go.
How far am I willing to go?
As opposed to being upset at them for not going this far.
He's like, no, actually, they've told you to what degree they're willing to be friends
with you.
Accept them to that degree and interact with them to that degree.
If they do this, you don't have to meet them there.
You don't have to go all of the way that they didn't go.
He said, you don't have to do that.
They told you their boundary.
They told you how much this friendship means to them or how little, whichever.
So you decide, okay, because that's their decision, where, where am I, where do I fit?
And so that's, that's just something that you can think about, talk to the Lord about,
you know, search your heart about these two friendships.
It's wonderful that you're loyal, but also think of it like this, how much energy are
you expending in these areas like people like this, where, and you're getting burnout, you're
getting overwhelmed and you in, in all these other areas of life, because you're trying
to hold all these balls in the air.
And some of those balls don't need to be in your life.
The amount of energy that it's taking to be loyal or to have these particular friends
to go to the degree that you are for them, how much energy are you putting into it?
And has God given you those friends?
Has God said that that's where he wants you to be pouring your energy or is your energy
being poured out somewhere that where God somewhere else and God saying, Oh, I wanted
you to pour this energy over here and just something that's more life giving for you
or whatever.
So, so there's, and so, cause it's not like you need to think badly about these people
and judge them and hate them and whatever.
It's just like, no, we're just God they're doing life the way that they want to do life.
That doesn't match with my season right now.
So I can have different friends in this season.
We're not writing people off as if, Oh, we're only friends with people we think are valuable
in this world.
And then, and then if we don't think they're valuable, well, those are the people we don't
have willing to be friends with.
So therefore, if I'm not friends with someone, it must mean I don't think they're valuable.
That's not what we're doing.
We're saying who drives with this, this light, this season of light that we're in right now,
where does God say he wants me to put in my energy.
You're not saying that just cause you're not friends with someone that they're not worthy
of being a, they're not worthy as a person or that they, or that they're a bad person.
You're not judging them.
You're not labeling them.
You're just not pouring your energy into them and they can get it from, they can have all
of that energy poured somewhere else.
Sorry.
And, and so anyway, is for one thing, is that helpful to talk about some other stuff that
is that helpful?
Okay.
So those are some ideas you can think about because when you're telling me how they're
treating you and you're concerned about, well, you know what it might do to your friendship,
I'm going, well, these don't sound like good friends.
They sound like they provide a need, provide for a need for you of like people to talk
to that are in an aspect of your world that may like teaching that understand that part,
that other people that are important to you aren't in that part of your life and you have
a difficult time talking to them about this thing.
But so it sounds like they might provide a need for you in your life, but are they worth
the cost?
Is what they're pulling from you, is that, is what you get from them, is it worth all
of that sacrifice and cost?
And is that where God wants you to be sacrificing?
Is that where God wants you to be expending your energy?
So anyway, you can just ask the Lord and it doesn't mean you have to write them off as
friends period.
It just means you have to be willing that, okay, they're treating me like this.
This does not work for me in this professional environment.
I'm going to decide to go over here and talk to the principal about this.
It might affect the friendship, but if so, I'm okay with that because I'm important and
this is what that friend, that person is choosing to do.
It's their choice about whether or not they want to continue to be friends with me.
It's my choice as to how I want to continue this thing based on how they're treating me
and this is how they've been treating me and that's just a no go, you know, or whatever.
So all of these things are hard, but remember as well that it's not your fault that other
people's actions have put you in this position to have to make this choice.
You know how we can feel bad for making choices.
It's not your fault that they've put you in this position.
So it's up to you to decide this is your life and you're the one in that position.
Is that when you want to, is that where you want to stay or do you
want a different choice for your life?
It is not your fault or responsibility for being put in that position
to have to make this choice.
That is your choice.
That is your prerogative to make.
Do you want to talk to the principal?
Do you not?
That's your choice to make.
You don't have to feel guilty for, I feel bad for doing this thing.
No, they put you in that position.
You're not responsible for that.
But something that they don't get to speak into is what you choose to
do now that you're in this position.
It's not your fault that you're there, but now that you're there,
you are responsible for your life.
So it's like owning our stuff and not owning what somebody else's stuff.
You know, and, and so that if I shared it with a couple of other teachers and
they say just to be like, what's going on?
And they say it's outrageous.
It's like so out of line.
It's they're like, one of it's like, I've never heard of anything like that.
A second teacher that doesn't come to class and just does other things.
They're like, yeah, that's their job.
Then get a sick leave or get another job.
So I know people, people have been like, this is just crazy, but I don't know.
I've just felt, I feel like so much love towards her and I want to help her, you
know, like the, and I know she's struggling with things and then when she can go out
in my class and do other things, then I help her kind of, so she can do things
that she doesn't have to do at home or later in the week.
So it's kind of, I think it is to be nice to her, but then I don't know, but it's
like, you're saying I'm getting worn out by it.
And after this happened, like it's been, I've been spread out so thin that I'm
like, now I just get angry and like, I just want to stop her.
Like, it's not okay anymore.
You're totally exploiting me.
And I'm getting mad at myself for accepting it.
Correct.
For not treating yourself better for putting yourself in that position.
Correct.
And so you need to choose that you're, you know, remember who God says that you
are and realize, no, I'm, I'm worth something.
So I need to treat myself appropriately, just like I need to treat other people
appropriately, I need to treat myself appropriately, meaning like if God says
that this is how valuable I am to him, I need to be, I'm responsible to God for
what he's entrusted me with and how I handle and how I treat myself.
If it's any, you know, I always like to kind of give people and people have told
me that it's helpful if I give them examples, you know, from my own life,
when I can tell them I can relate.
I have a friend I'm dealing with that with, um, right now.
And, and I dealt with, I don't know, for over a decade where
they, I don't know.
They wouldn't cancel on anybody else.
I was their area of relief.
They were too afraid to say no to other people, but they knew that I wouldn't
make them feel bad if they said no to me, they knew that I'd let them get away with
it and I did for over a decade.
And so anyway, it's, um, and so I just have learned and has to decide how I
want to handle that myself and I've just done different things to handle it.
And do you know that my particular friend, it actually started, uh, I think making
a difference and they started changing how they interacted with me because I
wasn't always available when they wanted me to be, and I didn't always make plans
with them anymore because I was tired of this whole thing of like, you know,
them always canceling on me and say no and whatever.
And, but, um, and I just didn't feel, and it, and it doesn't feel good.
It doesn't feel like, well, Hey, why am I going, am I showing you how much
you're worth to me, you know, that I'm willing to just to take all of this.
Just because you're afraid to say no to anybody else in your life.
And so you're right.
You know, you can kind of take all that on.
So anyway, that was one of the things that I thought about, you know, with
far as some of this stuff with, um, you know, your, your wounds from,
um, you know, what happened, et cetera.
You know, again, the same, same song, second verse of what we've been talking
about, it's like, there's this theme through everything.
Um, and so you can be at rest, you know, in the Lord and understand, like you've
said, okay, Lord, you know, your character hasn't changed.
It hasn't changed just because this thing happened, you didn't abandon
me just because it's happened.
You know, all of that is tremendous growth, but it doesn't mean that, um,
that, that, how do I put it?
The thing is, it still happens.
And we're in this world where that, uh, where there's like this domino effect
after something like that happens.
That's why it's so bad.
is it's not just bad for like the black and white facts of the thing. It's, it's, there's,
there's a reason why you've been impacted the way that you have. Spiritually, there
are things that happen in your soul and your emotions and in thing in aspects of life that
we can't see things happened in that moment. Yeah, yeah, just just, you know, more than
just the physical thing that happened of exposure and all of that exactly face and correct.
One of him trying to control me and sexually being aroused by my fear. There was, there
was, I felt like something like you're saying it was something that I can't even put into
words like spiritual or yeah. Yeah. And so that was again, not through no fault of you.
It was a position that you were put in. I don't mean physically, it was spiritually
in your, in your emotionally, it was this position you were put in through no fault
of your own, but you now have to take ownership of that and decide, Nope, this is not what
I want for me. And now let's take care of it. So it's more than just, you know, being
at rest in the Lord, there are things that you can now do. For instance, you know, that
I'd recommend breaking soul ties with him. And because it doesn't mean that you created it.
It meant remember, just because you're in a position doesn't mean that it's your fault
that you were put there. Right? So when he did that, when he when you were in that situation,
you know, you can feel in the reason that I think of the soul tie is the fact that you
were continually being haunted by a space and the image. And we as human beings were like,
I didn't make any sense. Why? I don't know this person. It happened really fast. We try to reason
ourselves out of like, I shouldn't feel this way. But the reason that you feel that way is because
that's how bad it was. It was as bad as it felt like it was. And we have to we have to acknowledge
that. And then she just thought, and so that's why I say, you know, I recommend like trying to
break a soul tie. Just remember, like, in other words, declaring that, yeah, he has no authority
to be connected to me anymore. I don't care that he did this thing. And you say it in the spirit.
Remember, you're, you're a spiritual being, you as a son of God have authority. So if you declare
it to be so and you choose it to be so it happens. So all you're doing is you're doing something that
God set up is like this law and is this rule. And so you are decreeing that law and rule. You're like,
okay, I'm no longer allowing this to be so. It was forced on me, meaning like this connection.
Absolutely not. It no longer is allowed and no longer has the authority by my declaration to be
connected with me at all. So Lord, you know, with you as my witness, I'm declaring, you know,
that this is that, you know, that this is that the connection is cut, that it's severed. I'm
no longer connected. I have, I am no longer afraid. I have no reason to be afraid. You know,
I release him Lord to you, but he is no longer connected with me. And I ask Lord that you come
in and the thing that was done to me that, you know, I asked that Lord that you would,
that you would heal that place. The thing that was forced on me to have to see or have to
experience or have to be in the situation of, and you know, anything else you can think of,
you know, I asked her that you would heal those places because they are wounds that someone else
inflicted on you, but you get to, you get to call on Jesus's healing to heal those things.
So just because someone else wounded you, doesn't mean you have to live with it.
They wounded you, God feels you like that, but you call on it and you're like, okay, God,
I'm claiming that you heal, that you're healing me, that you, that you're covering all of those
wounds. I no longer have to be afraid. I no longer have to be connected, you know? And,
and so I pray, you know, kind of things like that. And as you pray, you know, I'm sure that
the Lord will do with you, what he does with me, where you start thinking of other things to say.
And sometimes you, you learn things in the, about how things work in the spirit,
because you start saying them. Well, you never thought to have to like say that or
didn't know that that was true until it came out of your mouth. And you said, Hey Lord,
you know, I asked this be done. Like, I didn't know that that was a thing, but there it was.
It just was in my spirit and it came out, you know? So I'm sure that the Lord will tell you
other things as well. That'll help, you know, I'll help relieve the nightmares and relieve,
you know, whatever. And remember you can, and a thing you can talk about and click and declare
and claim is the control again, over your thoughts of your mind, that you are not afraid,
you are not in fear and you're coming out of agreement with fear, coming out of agreement
with whatever. In other words, you.
You are, uh, you're, um, what's the word you are claiming that you had that you
have an authority over yourself and nothing else has a right to you anymore,
unless you say so, and you're no longer saying so to all of these things.
And so therefore it's not allowed and it will happen.
I promise, because if you say that it can't happen, then that's a law
written by God that it can't happen.
So, and then, so if you have a, but the devil will always try to trust
Pat and I'll always be like, Oh, let's just try again.
So if, if after you've declared all of this stuff, if something else comes up,
like, Oh, you find yourself afraid again, in an instance, or that, you know, the
pictures come to mind or whatever, just immediately know it's already been done.
Already it, you know, already said that it doesn't have power and
can't have power over me anymore.
Why?
Because I say it can't.
I'm not waiting for it to obey me.
I'm not waiting for it to agree.
I'm saying that that's how it is, you know?
And then and then obviously all of these things, but you know, especially even
before you start praying all these things, ask the Lord to help you.
Because remember we're children that are learning how to do this.
Like, okay, God, I think this is how I do it.
I think you said that I had the power and the authority that if I just said
that it would happen and that you protect me from these things.
And then if I claimed that protection, that I would have it, you know?
So here I go, Lord.
And so just ask the Lord to help you as opposed to thinking, I hope I do this.
Right.
You know, just relax into your father.
Do that.
He, and you ask him, okay, God, I'm your child.
This is how I think that you've taught.
This is what I think that you've told me about myself.
This is what I think that you've told me about who I am and you, but I think that
you have said that I can call on, you know, et cetera, this is what I think
that you said, this is a truth is.
So therefore, Lord, here I go.
And please help me think of anything else, Lord, or tell me anything else, Lord,
that you, um, that I need to think of or be aware of or say out loud or whatever.
And then just, and then go through that.
Um, and then ask the Lord, you'll do all of that.
And you'll claim your authority as a son of God, that these things can't
be connected to and all of that.
But remember and have grace for yourself to understand that even with all that
power, all that authority, you've been hurt, you've been wounded, you were
attacked, meaning like, you know, whether, whether or not we're even talking
physically, we're talking emotionally, spiritually, you were attacked.
Something, you know, came multiple things came against you.
Right.
And, and you can, and you can receive healing.
You don't have to heal yourself.
Does that make sense?
So you're in a position that even though, yeah, you stand up and you
claim the word of God towards you, you know, that you have this power and
authority because you're his son and you're standing in him and you're not
in all of that, but you're also in a position that I'm receiving.
You're not like the one who has to be extra strong when you
were the one that was hurt.
It's both at the same time, when you were exercising that power and authority,
you remember all you're doing is you are, is you were receiving that power
and the authority, and you're talking out of the fact that you have it.
You're not going to battle.
This isn't something you have to do where you're like, well, I was hurt.
Why do I have to rise above, you know, above it?
You know, I already feel tired.
I already feel, you know, I'm trying to keep my head above water.
Well, how on earth am I expected to have all of the energy to pull
myself up even more and say all this and do all this.
It's not like that.
It's like, God, I'm in a rested posture.
I've receiving the fact that I'm, that I have this power and authority.
And I just simply come out of agreement with all these things.
I say that it's not right.
You know, I say that I don't want it.
I say that I don't give it the authority to touch me anymore,
to be connected with me, to be afraid.
I'm going to go about my own business.
I'm going to do my own thing because Lord, you're the one who
said all of these things are true.
And then now Lord, another thing that I want to receive, not just the power
and the authority that you've given me to not be connected with these things
anymore, if I don't want to be, but also Lord, you know, I receive your
healing because I'm hurt and my friends aren't giving me what, and
family aren't giving me what I need.
I'm just tired and exhausted.
You know, I don't know.
Part of my weariness Lord is just the unknown of being in a very vulnerable
situation that I've never been in before.
And I don't know what to do.
How on earth am I supposed to feel?
Where am I supposed to go for help?
How am I supposed to navigate through all of the confusion and all of the
unknowns and, you know, and is this okay?
Is this not okay?
You know, Lori, it's just, it's just a lot, you know, and so you can receive.
You can choose, you know, Lord, I receive your healing for all of those things.
And I ask that you heal me so that I don't have to, so I don't
think I have to just try harder.
I have to do more.
I have to learn more after whatever I just asked that you, you know, that
you heal me and then allow yourself.
To time to heal and come into agreement with the fact that the Lord is healing
you, even when you're still hurting, or you still find yourself in moments
where you're confused or you're frustrated, or like I said, you're in pain.
You know, you're hurting as opposed to thinking, Oh, see, God's not healing
me, or he hasn't killed me enough.
You see it, all of the negativity, all of the denial, all the resistance.
Don't do that instead.
And all those moments saying, thank you, God, that you're healing me.
Thank you that I'm just going through this process.
And I understand it's taking time.
I really didn't want it to take time.
I wanted it to be faster than this, but Lord, all of these things, the fact
that I still sometimes experience pain or confusion where an image comes to
mind, doesn't mean that you're not healing me and you're not answering my prayer.
I'm receiving.
And I, and I choose that even in these moments, you're still healing me.
And I thank you for that.
And I ask you that you just continue to work on me and make it quicker.
You know, you know, et cetera.
So you always stay in agreement with God, even if you're confused, you
can talk to him about the confusion.
You can talk to him about the doubt.
You can talk to him about the struggle.
But don't be an accusation against the Lord.
Why aren't you healing me?
Why aren't you?
But just always stay into agreement.
Always stay in agreement.
Okay, Lord, I understand this takes time.
I really didn't want this and I don't understand why and I'm struggling.
You know, that that's all okay.
But just always be like, okay, God, but I'm still choosing your good.
I'm choosing, you're still, you're still healing me.
We're still making, I'm choosing, we're still making progress.
I'm having a hard time seeing it.
So please give me some encouragement.
Give me some motivation.
Give me, show me where this is.
Et cetera.
And allow you and just know that yes, the amount it taking time is normal.
All those things that people are saying, and those things that you were asking,
well, what if what I'm experiencing is normal, everything
you're experiencing is normal.
We just want you, you, we just need to learn from the Lord that we can
have freedom while we're going through the healing process while it's taking
time, while it's whatever that, um, so we are still human, Jesus was human.
So he experienced things and we think that he didn't experience being
human just because of this God.
And he did, and he experienced all the pain.
He experienced betrayal.
He experienced exhaustion.
You know, he experienced all of that stuff because he had to, in order
to overcome it, because he had to overcome the flesh for us so that we
could, um, so it would no longer have victory over us, over us, but he had
to go through it in order to prove that he could overcome it.
He can't overcome it.
If he avoids it, he could only overcome it.
If he experienced it, if he experienced all the things you're talking
about, all of the struggles, all the questions, all the doubts, you know,
whatever, anyway, so is that, as I answer some questions, you can do all
the normal, you know, all of the other things that continuing to go to the
crisis center, talking to them about stuff and asking them, okay, well,
psychologically, you know, can you give me any tips, you know, how can I, how
can I think about these things or what do I do when a fear comes up or what
do I do in this, whatever, because those are normal laws of psychology and,
and God can, you know, you can use all of those things, you know?
Um, so anyway, what about that?
What about this?
Um, yeah, I agree.
I think it's really good.
And just, um, but I'm just thinking, what about this, this
flame and my closest ones?
Oh yeah.
I was going to mention that one as well.
So for the, um, but yeah, but yeah, it makes sense.
The thing that you'd said, it makes sense, like cutting of soul ties and I've done
that before and just like, yeah, it makes sense.
Yeah.
And, um, because in other words, you're feeling some kind of a connection with
them because there's this feeling of violation and, um, and, uh, what is that
called?
It starts with I, um, uh, you used it earlier when you were telling me this
story, invasion, it's like this, this thing invaded your life and invaded your
psyche and invaded your emotions and you didn't give it permission to do it.
You just forced it on you, you know?
And, um, uh, so anyway, what was this thing about all that?
Oh, that that's why, uh, you can, you can, because you're still having those
feelings, it shows there's still some kind of a connection, which is why people
talk about the fact that until we forgive, we were still connected to them.
And that it's just embittering us.
You know, it's the same kind of a thing.
It's like, you're still feeling the results.
Why?
Because there's some kind of.
connection that was forced. So you intentionally say, no, you're not allowed to do that.
You know, I break off the connection that, you know, it's like, no, I don't give you permission.
It's like somebody, it's like a ship coming really close to another ship and trying to throw an
anchor over and latching onto the other ship. Well, the other ship, if you're the other ship,
you're like, Hey, look, I didn't give you permission to do it. But regardless of whether
you gave them permission, their anchor is now hooked to yours. And they're like, they're like,
if their life is now affecting yours. So what do you do? You go over and like,
no, and you pull the anchor off and you throw it back. So that's kind of what it's like.
But yeah, as far as the whole blame thing, you know, for your family and all of that,
one of the things that helped me is to realize a few things. First of all, this is what I always
start with. And what I've helped walked other people through some similar stuff, meaning like
blaming other people for, for stuff. This has helped them as well. Is that the, where I start
is to realize, and it's a huge is, where does it sound? It's a huge relief to come to this
realization. They can't give you what you're asking them for. Not because there are those
particular people, but if it was other people, they could give it to you. No, no one can give
you what it is that you really are needing. So, so in other words, you're, you're not missing out
on something. You're not missing something that you could have if they interacted with you
different. So you can't. So the thing is you're not missing out on anything because they're not
choosing to give it to you. You, you just can only get that from the Lord. However, what you can get
from other people is again, once you're in that place of rest, okay, not putting my need and not
pulling on my need from other people, but just, just choosing, okay, the Lord will provide me
all of those things. So provide me that emotional protection and provision and
know all that safety and all of that. So now what about my interaction with other people?
What you're needing is realize what can they give you? What did God put them in your life to give
you as human beings that you can get from them or things like just support. They can't, they can't
change your situation. They can't fix you. They can't make you feel better. They can't change
what all is going on with you, but they can be like, Hey, look, I just kind of need to know that
I'm being remembered or to kind of like be around people or to just feel like, you know, I felt
violated. So if, if someone could be like, could give something to me, like where I didn't have to
do anything for it. And what I received from some, see, I received something bad from this person,
but if I could receive something good, it would remind me and help me to kind of remember,
remind myself, Oh, that's right. I'm worthy of receiving good things like a phone call,
or that they don't. A lot of people, especially when something really bad has happened that they've
never experienced, they freeze and they don't know what to do. So they avoid it. So that's part
of what I think might be going on. Like for instance, if someone else, if someone has died and
you know, in someone else's life, you don't know what to say and you don't know what to do.
And so sometimes we just avoid those people and you're like, Oh, I'm so sorry. They're going
through something very difficult. But when you hear from those people that have had a death in
the family or whatever, or I don't remember something else that the bad happens, they
always talk about the fact that there are things that they do need that people aren't giving them
because everyone's trying to avoid them because they feel insecure about not knowing what to say
or do. So that's probably partly what they're experiencing is they don't know what it's like
to go through. And so therefore they don't, they're freezing and they don't know what to do.
They might be discrediting it because they don't, because again, they haven't gone through it. They
don't realize how, how challenging it is. And they've got no ability to relate. And therefore
they were never taught in school or by or in church or wherever. How do you deal with a
situation like this? It's like all of a sudden they were thrown in this situation. They're like,
I don't know what to do. So I'm just going to avoid it and get busy in my own life.
You know, it's not that they don't love you. They don't know how to handle the situation.
It might make them uncomfortable. They might feel like they're going to say something that's going
to make you cry, you know, and then they're not going to know how to handle it. You know,
who does, but if you tell them very specifically, Hey, I was wondering, I'm really struggling. I
can really use some friends. Would you, would you call me this week? You know, just as the
prize sometime this week, or, you know, or if we need to schedule it, we could schedule it. Or
would you, would you come by it's really hard being in your.
position where you have to ask, but it is an act of faith that you're worth it to the Lord.
So you think about all of these things of like, how do we act in rest? What are some things when
God says to believe in about something and we actually have to act on that? What is one of
those actions look like? How do you act on the fact that God says he's good or that God says
that I'm important? You know, what is an action? This is an example of an action is to,
to believe that you are, is to choose that, that if God says that you're that valuable,
then you are worth at telling someone that you, you know, could use some help and asking them
if you, if they would offer you and give you help, if they would do something, if they would
exert themselves and give something to you, when you're not giving something back.
And technically you are giving something back. And the fact that, you know, when they call you,
well, you're going to be talking and of course they're friends with you. And so you're going
to be pouring into them, just like you're pouring into it. They're pouring into you
just because you're you, they like being with your spirit. They like being with you. So,
so technically you're giving back to them, but for the case in point, you don't want to ask
someone because you feel like you're not deserving of someone else doing something
nice for you. You know that, and we just want someone to just do it without me, without us
asking. So, or we're also afraid of them saying no, that for me, it's a really big thing. I'm
very much afraid of them saying, Oh, I'm afraid of people saying no, and proving to me that all
my words say, I am a burden, you know, or, and then I'm afraid of being a burden, you know,
but I've learned that. Yeah. But actually that's not faith. That's actually believing all of all
of these things about yourself that God said, isn't true. That's not acting on who God told
you that you, that is true about you. So you now, or if you say that this is how God says that you
are, you have to start acting like that. And so what would you do? So it is, so if, if, if it feels
hard, it's because it's an active faith on that blaming thing, is that like an issue coming up?
Or is it just like a natural reaction when, when friends aren't there for you? Because I'm like,
well, for one thing, yeah, well, for being hurt, that's natural. That is absolutely natural. And
there's nothing wrong with being hurt when, uh, when something like that happens, because it means
you have a, uh, have a connection. And it means that there's a, I don't know, just how would you
put it? It's more than expectation. It's just that, you know, you, um, you, you have, you,
you've opened yourself up to be vulnerable to someone. And you, you feel you received something
that they did or didn't do as a violation of the trust. Now, it doesn't mean that they,
that they really did do it, or they really did mean it like that, but that's what, how you
interpreted it. So you got hurt. And sometimes sure people really are doing that. And other times
they're not, or they didn't mean to do it or whatever, but regardless, you were expecting it.
It was that trade there. You put that trust out that they were going to be there. They weren't
there. So therefore they violated that trust. And therefore you're hurt. So that's all part
natural and normal hurt is a natural response to feeling vile, a violation of trust, but,
um, it, so, so there, there's that. So that, that's normal. The whole blaming other people,
um, for things, two things, one, they may just, if, uh, they're basically just telling you sometimes,
you know, what they're not willing to do or what they don't feel capable of doing
in their particular season or whatever. So that could be what's going on. And so sometimes we
can blame people. And the reason I thought of that was, uh, how would you put that? Sometimes
people do do bad things to us. They do sin against us is my point. And sure they shouldn't do that.
Right. But then there are other, but, um, the whole blaming thing is I always feel comes from
when we are looking for someone to fulfill a need. And then that just lets me know that I have
put my supply of a need in an area that.
God doesn't want me to, and he wants me to put that on him. So, because otherwise I always
think that there's this, um, there's this, this way, uh, it here's, here's my point.
I'm sorry that I'm having a difficult time explaining this. I know not explaining it well,
but this idea of blame comes from a sense of like judging someone and casting punishment on them.
It's like, it's like, there's this thing called blame. It's very heavy and someone needs to own
it. It has, I have, I'm holding it and it's got to go somewhere. So either it's with me or it's
with you and it's not me. So therefore, you know, we keep thinking that's what we think of as blame
is like, and what, but how is this, this weighty thing called blame created? It's created from
making a judgment and a decision, a judgment about what's right and what's wrong. And I'm
holding someone responsible for it. And sometimes it's, it's, um, are they responsible
for meeting that need for you? No, God didn't equip them to. So there's no need to blame them
for something that they weren't required to give you. But there are things because that's not,
God didn't equip a human being, even you. God didn't equip anybody to be able to, to
pull from them the things that you're needing. Only God can do that. So, but God did create
human beings to do certain things. So what are those things? It's to support one another. It's
to be around one another. It's to give one another their, their presence. It's to, you know,
just be with you while you're going through something hard. That is something that they
can give. And that's what you can then, that's what you can ask for are all of those things.
But none of those things you notice, um, have anything to do with sin or not sin,
things like support, presence, whatever, that are just kind of like, does that make sense?
I am sure that at other times I've experienced that. I know, I know people love me. I think
they love me. I think they want to support me. And, uh, I think, yeah, but maybe they don't know
how, and I maybe also, I am asking something from them that God needs to give me.
True. And also love sometimes isn't the only thing that's needed.
So it's great that they love you, but you're finding that it's not always enough.
In other words, love is a wonderful thing, but sometimes you're needing something different,
meaning like, you know, Hey, look, can you give me like support? Can you give me your time?
Can you do something for me? So I don't have to do it. Can you just give me a bit of,
of relief of something that I'm carrying? Can you carry it for a second?
Can you, you know, I don't know, give me a relief and reprieve from it,
from having to think about it for a bit, you know, by us talking about
like something else or go shopping with me or, you know, whatever it's anyway.
So is that none of that is meant in any way to judge you or blame you or blaming other people
or to feel bad or like, I don't feel judged now. Okay, good. And then also I don't ever want you
to feel heavy, like, like, okay, I really was needing it from other people. Oh, I worry. Do you
mean I have to get it from God? You know, cause that can feel, it can feel hard for us and feel
like, yeah, but how do I do that? Because we can't see God. So we can really, really struggle. So I
don't mean it like that. I don't need to give this cliche answer of like, well, you just need to get
it from God. I think that we've had enough conversations where you've learned how to
actually get something that you really need from a God you can't see. So that's why I'm having,
that's why I'm talking the way that I am right now is because we've had enough conversations
for me to not have to explain everything, you know, for you to understand what I'm saying.
Feel heavy about it. Okay. Okay. Cause, and anyway, I know that even as much as God has taught me
and as much as I walk through, there are some times where I'm just like, I really don't want
to hear that someone can't give me something and they need to get it from God. And so I didn't want
that to feel weighty to you or whatever, but when I finally get it, when I finally get in those
difficult situations, I finally get that truth. I'm like, oh, well, this is, this is easy. And I
actually feel relieved because I can get it from the Lord and I can no longer feel like I'm missing
out because so-and-so isn't doing something, you know? And so, but sometimes the initial
hearing of it can kind of make me feel like I've
when I kind of slapped, when I'm down, you know, knocked down when I'm already
down, you know, I'm like, that's just not helpful.
And I don't ever want to put another person in that position, but it's, but I,
so if you feel that way, you know, I know exactly how you feel, but when you're
no, but I do know that when I've been in this, when I really, really realize,
okay, what, what is that truth again, that only God can give me that.
And these people actually literally can't give it to me.
It's not that they have it and they're denying me.
They literally, God didn't equip them to either have, ever even have access to
it, to be able to provide that for me.
So therefore.
Oh, well, that just kind of makes it easier.
Okay.
So I'm not missing out on it.
And God says, he'll always give it to me.
So I have access to it immediately and I'm not missing out on it over here.
So when else is it, so-and-so isn't denying me my right, you know, I'm
like, oh, okay, well, and then, and then I actually get, get relief
and I get healing from it.
So anyway, so should I answer all of your, all of your questions?
Do you feel like you've got some stuff to get some relief from the Lord through or.
That sounds good.
I like, I feel like I can breathe more easily now and just, I don't know.
Yeah.
That was really, really good.
I think I need to process it and listen to it again.
And yeah, but, but I could take in quite a bit of what you said, I think.
I was like, oh, and I think I actually know a little bit what I need
to do in some of the things.
Yeah.
And remember that, um, two things that I recommend that you remember one, um, God
loves it when we own our decision.
And, um, as a friend of mine puts it, you know, we make strong decisions.
This side, you know, this is, no, one's making me do this.
God, isn't making me do it.
I'm like, okay, God, I'll obey you.
And I'll do what you want me to do.
No, it's your decision.
You might make it because God you found out that that's what God wanted you to
do, but make it your decision.
You know, God can't be blamed for it.
If it goes, if, if something happens that you didn't want to happen,
God loves strong decisions.
God's like, I can work with a strong decision.
I can't work with the jellyfish.
You know, it's like, I can work with a strong decision.
He likes that.
And, um, and also, uh, a really huge thing that will bring a
surprising amount of healing.
It will allow you to heal faster and it will bring, um, a tremendous amount of
like, uh, like relief, um, and some aspect of immediate healing, and that is to
truly acknowledge that what happened to you was as bad as it was, um, part of the
battle that I've found that we've, that we have, that I've noticed in myself and
other people, if part of the struggle is that makes the pain and the, like I said,
the struggle so difficult is the fact that we keep fighting the reality and
keep telling ourselves, I should feel different.
I shouldn't feel this bad.
It shouldn't hurt this bad.
It shouldn't go.
It shouldn't, I shouldn't be processing it like this.
It shouldn't go up one minute and down the next.
It, it shouldn't work like this.
It shouldn't, you know, whatever, or, you know, oh, I'm just, or, or we'll
deny our, how we feel and say, well, I shouldn't feel like that.
That's not reality.
I think I'm just like being a baby or I think I'm being weak or I can't
believe, you know, whatever.
There's all this denial.
Remember all of that is resistance.
So shift and choose rest instead.
Remember when we're not in rest, we're in an active state of resistance.
So if you're not in rest towards something specific, you're
an act, you're actively resisting it.
And so God, God can't move when we're resisting when there's certain aspects.
So just accept the fact and acknowledge the fact that it really was that bad.
And that your emotions, the emotions that God gave you and how he created
your body and your soul to work.
They are trying to tell you God's truth.
They're trying to give you an accurate temperature reading of reality.
So listen to it and just realize it.
You don't have to feed it.
You don't have to be subject to it.
You don't have to be victim to it.
You don't have to be driven by it.
All you're doing is you are realizing, oh, okay.
So I'm accepting the fact that it really is that bad.
Okay.
Now that it really is that bad, this is how I'm going to deal with it.
I don't want to live with it anymore.
And I don't want to live like this.
And those are that, but allow it to be what it is instead of
denying that it is what it is.
And so thinking, oh, it shouldn't be like this.
It probably isn't.
I'm probably making it out worse.
No, but this is, this is the current situation.
This is how I'm feeling.
This is how, this is the degree to which I'm feeling it.
These are the types.
things I'm feeling, I don't mean you have to name all these things for yourself.
I'm just saying, whatever's in you, except the fact that, oh, it was that
damaging, it was that awful, you know, uh, that will help you heal faster.
Um, and it will bring relief because you stop fighting yourself and you
stop being your own worst enemy, because otherwise it's kind of like you, your
soul going to your spirit is if your spirit's a judge or whatever, and your
soul going to your spirit and just say, it's just like, say, for instance,
your, uh, your, uh, I don't know, say your, remember how I always think of,
you know, your, your soul is like a child and it's like your soul going
to its spirit, the parent, you know, a child going to its father and saying,
dad, it was horrible that it was this bad.
And your dad's like, grow up, get a life.
No, it wasn't.
That doesn't help a child get over it.
It just makes him feel that he is, that he's not.
We're something that he doesn't have value, you know, and to not trust reality
like, Oh, apparently this is really, isn't reality.
And, you know, I'm going to have to, um, anyway, so what we need to do is we need
to be, um, uh, we need to be lovingly receive, um, the parts of ourselves that
are trying to tell us, trying to reveal God's truth to us, God's truth, trying
to reveal reality to us, um, because God gave you emotions to, to tell you what
you're believing, to tell you what you're struggling with, to tell you whatever.
Um, so regardless of how bad something is, how badly are you responding
to it, that is how bad it was.
And that's how much, that's the effect.
That's the result that you're having to live with.
So that's what you're having to face.
That's what you're having to deal with.
You're not having to deal with what happened or having to deal with what
happened to, with how that affected you, you know, and so however it affected
you, it really is that bad.
And it might be different for someone else.
I didn't know about your roommate might not have affected your roommate
as bad as it affected you.
And the same thing virtually happened to both of you, but that means
that what's going on with you.
Let's say for instance, if it's not as bad for her, it means that what's going
on with you is worse because it's, it's, it's, it's what, it's what it's
stirred at and that is what you're having to face.
He's handling it easier than me.
So then you compare yourself.
Yeah.
Either.
She's already worked through some of this stuff that you're having, that all
of this is triggered in you, or she's looking to different sources than you
are and she's using crutches or she's stifling all of those things and it'll
come up out of nowhere and some PTSD will pop up one day and she's like,
or it could be, she is handling it better and she's processed, right?
Who knows?
But my point is that just, uh, it's not what happens to us.
It's bad as that, that may, that determines how bad something is.
It's how it affected us that determines how bad that it was.
That's what you're having to deal with.
You're not having to deal with what happened.
You're having to deal with what it did to you.
Right.
And so with knowledge that it really, you know, how you're emotionally
responding, how you're psychologically responding, whatever, just realize,
and don't try to squelch it.
Don't try to think, oh, it shouldn't be like this, but really is that bad, you
know, and, um, uh, and, and then, um, so that you can just kind of stop it.
And hopefully you're not being too hard on yourself, but if you are, you can
stop being hard on yourself and realize, oh, the reason I'm having it this
hard is because it is this hard.
And that, that was a violation done to you that you didn't deserve.
What has happened inside of you?
Not just this, the thing that happened to you, what happened inside of you was
a violation that you don't deserve.
Whatever wounds that start up from the past, you didn't deserve what happened
to you that created all those wounds that, that the new thing triggered.
You know, all of the things that you've struggled with other, you
don't deserve any of those things.
And so, but you're having to battle them.
And so anyway, just, um, just give yourself enough value to know that it's
that if you feel it's that hard, it really is that hard and that's the
degree of a battle you're having to fight.
So with the Lord, so stuff like that, acknowledging reality is, um, it's very
healing because, and it also helps us.
Uh, it, it, it helps what's the phrase.
Um, it neutralizes its power a bit more.
It's when you fight reality that it stays powerful.
And so if you face it, if you basically bring it into the light and just
acknowledge this, this is it, it loses a bit of its power.
or over you. It's interesting how that works, but, but yeah. Thank you so much. You're welcome.
So interesting. I was on my knees praying and then your name just popped in my head.
You're welcome. I hope that it was helpful. And so, and I'm glad that the timing worked
out and everything. I'm really, really sorry. Sure. And I'm really sorry for what you've
been through, but please reach out and let, let me know in the next few days, you know,
how you're doing and if you feel like you're getting any, you know, healing and relief
and stuff. So I understand it might take some time, but I'm really praying and hope that
the Lord will do, you know, quick work for you. I'll let you know in a few days. And
I, I think, I think I want to have like a new session with you. I don't know how you
do it or like when, or we can talk about that. Yeah. Okay. Sure. Sounds good. All right.
Well, I hope you sleep well. Thank you. Good day. You, your day just started probably.
So I would get, you know, what time is it? Yeah. So I'll be going to bed soon, but not,
not as soon as you're, yeah. Okay. Bye.