All right, so welcome to Dating 101.
This is where we talk about all things dating.
I know that I've already released you
into your date challenge and some of you are like,
I cannot do that without some more information.
Well, tonight is where you're going
to get that more information.
So for all of you that really don't know how to date,
you've never had a date, you never wanted to date, right?
You never wanted to date.
You're like, I just want to meet the person.
I don't want to date.
I get you, I feel you, and we're going to reframe
and recalibrate you tonight in all those areas.
So the very first thing we want to do is pray.
Father God, I just thank you for your daughters
and thank you for this time in their lives.
I thank you that this is their last year single.
We just call to the North, South, East, and West right now.
Father, we just call to those winds to blow, Lord.
We're thanking you, Lord,
that you are blowing things into place
for each and every one of your daughters.
Thank you, Jesus.
We thank you, Lord,
that you have sent out your angelic messengers.
You have sent out the angels to undergird these love stories
to cause there to be divine appointments
and divine intersections, divine connections,
that each and every one of your daughters
that are represented here are watching in replay
that they are having people talk about them in a good way.
People, they're coming to their remembrance in a good way,
that they met them once,
and, hey, you should meet my cousin's friend
or my brother's roommate needs to meet this girl
that I used to work with.
Whatever it is, just all of a sudden,
people are thinking of you when they are talking
to their single friends and community.
And so, Lord, we thank you for these love stories
that you've already written.
We thank you that you are more than able
to bring them to pass.
In Jesus' name, amen.
All right, very exciting.
So I got, you guys know that I get tons of love stories,
and I'm about to post one that's super fun.
So this woman is what, she's one of my students,
she's one of my clients,
and she came and she did the same type of work
that you're doing now.
And when she came in, you know, she had a former,
she had several former boyfriends.
A lot of you have had relationships in the past
and relationships that you never see
probably coming full circle, and that's fine.
And so she had a relationship like that in the past,
not something that she was ever thinking about
coming full circle.
But when she started working with me,
this person started kind of resurfacing
as a potential in her life.
And guess who he is?
They're married now.
They just got married, and I got the blessed news.
But he was her mailman, y'all.
That's what I want to tell you.
He was her mailman.
And so I know that I say God's not gonna Amazon Prime
your husband to your front door,
but he might snail mail him to your front door.
It's possible.
He could be the prime delivery man,
he could be the UPS man or the FedEx man,
or just the regular USPS man.
It's true.
It could happen.
You heard it here, all right?
You all know that I married my neighbor,
so we're not gonna count out the local mailman for sure.
All right?
So fun.
So, so, so fun.
So raise your hand if you hate dating.
La, la, la, la, la.
Raise your hand if you hope you never, ever, ever, ever,
ever have to date,
like go through a whole bunch of dating again.
All right.
But okay, put all your hands down.
Lots of little hands up.
Lots of little yellow avatar hands.
But raise your hand if you're also willing
to be made willing to do whatever you need to do
to partner with God for your love story.
You're confessing in here once again.
I am willing.
Okay.
Good stuff.
Lots of people.
Almost all of you, not quite all of you.
Hopefully some of you misunderstood the question.
Willing to be made willing.
Here's another question.
This came to my spirit just now.
Everyone put your hands down.
Be honest.
How many of you think,
think that God told you
that you wouldn't have to date?
Anybody?
God told you he's just gonna bring your husband.
You're just gonna know, you're not gonna have to date.
Obviously, you're gonna get to know the person,
but you're not gonna have to go through that whole process.
Anybody?
Okay.
No one is raising their hand for that
because they're either scared of me
or there just isn't anyone in this class that thinks that.
Oh, good.
Okay, wait, I'm seeing the chat.
You guys, I'm on my iPad,
so I can't see everything at one time like I normally can.
I'm gonna try to...
Not God, but people have told me that.
All right.
People have told me that, yes.
And sometimes we'll go,
for those of you that are revival stream,
charismatic Christians,
you're in the type of spiritual communities
where people come and they give you words from the Lord.
They come and they give you prophetic words about things.
You might be in a prayer line,
you might get a prophetic word
and someone might say,
hey, I see your husband coming
or I see a wedding ring on your finger.
Or they say things like, hey, are you single?
Yeah, I'm single.
And then they'll say something like,
God's telling me to tell you
that you're just gonna know your husband when you see him
and you're not gonna, right?
Am I right?
Come on.
In fact, let's just go ahead
and put all the things that you've ever been told
in a spiritual context,
whether you think God told you it
or someone else told you it from God.
I wanna see that in the chat right now.
Put it up, all the stuff, y'all.
Everyone should have at least one thing.
Let's clean house.
Let's clean the house.
Come on, let's put it all up.
Let's sweep out the rooms right now.
It's too much pressure.
Your husband will come this year.
And Lizzie, when was that that you heard that?
Was it a couple of years ago or was it this year?
I'll meet my spouse.
This is your season.
Lots of season stuff.
God has someone particular for you
because if you're calling,
it will come after a tough system.
Last year, oh, last year is when they said that.
A man from church that he saw my husband
would be in law enforcement.
Okay, God's preparing something amazing for you.
He's preparing the man before you meet him.
It isn't time for you yet.
Singleness is a gift.
All right, keep coming.
God said, I'd be married again.
Also that Brian would show me what real love is.
Brian, who's Brian?
Singleness is a gift.
When I stop looking, it'll happen.
I had a word of who my husband was.
Ooh, all right, Helen.
Is that person still single
or are they now married to somebody else?
Your husband will be very manly looking,
masculine, totally hope.
This one is true.
Okay, now my husband would come that year
over 10 years ago, right?
Yeah, so all this,
some of this stuff is real disheartening, right?
It's real discouraging when you get things,
especially that have some sort of timeline outcome on them.
Feeling you'll end up with a widower.
And so what happens there is when someone says,
you'll end up with a widower,
then we don't pay attention to any men
that aren't widowers, right?
Even without trying to,
we start to categorize people based on that.
Brian's the guy that I thought was my husband.
Okay, we dated, not a good fit, all right?
Mine was a while ago.
I was given a warning, okay?
I will tell you, I don't know who this is for
and I had no intention at all of saying this,
but Holy Spirit is bringing it to my mind right now.
In the last two weeks,
I have heard of two different couples
that were separated by prophetic words.
They were together, they were dating,
they wanted to be together.
And someone in their life said,
I don't think that's your person.
Or I don't think you should marry them.
Or that's not the person God has for you.
And yeah, that person's great or whatever,
but God has something better for you.
And because the people or the person or the word
came from someone that they admired, respected,
or maybe even a pastor or someone like that,
they broke those relationships off.
I'm happy to report that one of the girls
I intersected with in New York City,
she's been single for a few years.
That was her last relationship
and that's what happened in that relationship.
I prayed over her, just like I prayed over you just now.
And the guy that broke up with her a couple years before
contacted her out of the blue.
Here's the backstory.
His pastor told him not to marry her,
that she wasn't the one for him
and she's a great, incredible girl.
And he respected his pastor so much
that he broke up with her, no questions asked,
just wanted to be obedient to the Lord.
Never married anyone else because he loved her
and didn't feel like he was worthy of her.
that way about anyone else that he has met in the years since then. Just recently, the pastor got
into a bunch of trouble and it came out that he really wasn't the man of God that people thought
he was. And this guy circled back around and said, Oh my gosh, if he was wrong about all this stuff,
then that he probably was wrong about this as well. And so he came back and he said, I'm so
sorry, will you forgive me? In fact, before he came to her, he flew to where she's from because
they dated for years. They were in a serious relationship to talk to her parents first,
and to let them know what had happened and how he sees the light now. And he sees what happened
and to ask them if they would give him permission to pursue this relationship again. And if she was
willing to eventually marry her, and then he was able to come to her and say, I'm so sorry,
please forgive me. Even though they haven't spoken in years and y'all they're getting married now,
they're engaged, they're getting married. And that's just one of two stories. There's another
story just like that, where people are circling back around after many years of not being together
because they were separated by someone else and their, their well-meaning advice.
And I'm just going to give those people the benefit of the doubt that they meant well,
they were trying to protect for whatever reason, but guess what y'all they were wrong.
And that's why a word has to be confirmed through the mouth of two or three witnesses for it to be
established. Pastors and preachers and prophets are all just people, and they have the ability
to be wrong. And so we never want to put people on pedestals and be like, Hey, they're the Oracle
of God. If they said it, it must be God. If anyone ever tells you something that requires you to make
some huge life-changing decision, whether it's small or large, please do not do that based on
just one thing. Let God confirm it. You're not being disobedient to put it before the Lord and
say, okay, Lord, if this is you, I need you to confirm this. I need you to establish this word.
Can't build your life on something that's not established. And so, and that doesn't mean you
run off and you try to get it confirmed through, Hey, what do you think about this? This person
told me this. What do you think? No, it means allowing God to bring confirmation.
And not through you, not through like you're in prayer and you feel like God's just saying,
yeah, that's it. No, we need each other. And this is why we need each other. This is why we need the
body of Christ. This is why we even need people that don't know us that are part of the body of
Christ because there's nothing like receiving a word of confirmation, not revelation, not something
you ain't never heard before in your life. And it's coming out of nowhere through stranger.
Those things need to be confirmed, but confirmation coming through someone who does not know you from
Adam about something that you've been praying into. Right. And this is the correct way to process the
prophetic. It is the correct way to do it. You're like, well, these are my shepherds or these are
my overseers, or these are the people that God's placed in my life. They can be wrong.
They can be wrong. And so it's important that we make sure that God is confirming those things
to us. We don't have to make any decisions. There's no reason to run off and make a decision.
So two relationships being reconciled. I don't know if that makes or means makes any difference
or means anything to anyone here, but I'm really feeling like there's at least someone here or in
replay that God's going to bring a relationship that you didn't think was the one or they,
whatever, something separated y'all star cross lovers, so to speak, and God's going to bring
them back around. And, and if that happens, I want you to test it. See if it's the Lord. Okay.
Right. We don't want any counterfeit situations going on here, but at the same time, if it does
happen, then revisit some of the reasons why that broke up in the first place and see if there were
some things that were missed. Okay. All right. Good stuff. Good stuff. So in order for us to
talk about how we're going to navigate meeting our spirit mate also called dating, I want to
call it navigating. I want to call it navigating. Okay. Because dating means a lot of things to a
lot of people. How are we going to navigate the season? How are we going to walk this season out?
How are we going to partner with the promises of God over our life? So I want you to reframe dating
into all the things that I just said, navigating the season of your life, walking out the promises,
the prophetic over your life in this area, how are you going to walk that out? What does it
look like to do your part while God does his part? One of the very first things we have to do is we
have to clear and clean the slate. You do not want to try to have
Have God write a love story on a slate,
on a piece of paper that's already full
of a bunch of things that you already wrote there.
Do ya?
And that's why we do the Never Will I Ever's,
that's why we do the heart work.
But here's the next puzzle piece in this process.
You have the soul tie video,
hopefully all of you took advantage of watching
that bonus soul tie video and you did the work
and you really saw yourself
and you're really honest with yourself
about whether you're tied to not just past people,
a lot of people think soul ties are sexual,
they're not, they can be emotional,
they can be platonic, they can be friendships,
they can be communities, they can be ideas,
they can be prophetic words that are now expired.
If you have a prophetic word
that you have seen no activity on,
nothing has ever come to pass over that prophetic word
in the last two to five years,
I want you to release it to the Lord,
I want you to give it back to him.
Because here's the thing, if it was God,
he can give you a new version of it.
Okay, you're not throwing it out,
you're giving it back to the giver.
That's what you're doing,
you're laying it down at the feet of the cross,
at the feet of Jesus, you're giving it back to him,
and you're letting him know,
hey, if this is something that you still want for my life,
then I need a new version of it,
I need the 2.0, I need the 3.0 version of it.
Because anything that we've allowed
to get that stale in our lives,
maybe we didn't act on it,
maybe we sat in the waiting room and we thought,
hey, if this is God, then he's gonna make it happen.
And then we didn't activate it with our faith,
hope is expectant preparation,
we didn't prepare for it, we didn't go after it.
Because one thing you have to realize and understand
is that God has a different spirit mate for you
in every season.
Whoa, what?
What did I just say?
That's crazy talk, and it's also true.
Okay, the person that you would have been compatible with
in your 20s, that's not the person in your 30s,
or 40s, or 50s, and possibly that person
is already married and moved on.
Okay, there's always exceptions
where God will allow a relationship to come full circle
like the ones we just talked about.
But it's like, if God calls me to be a prima ballerina,
when I'm nine, 10, 11 years old, I'm in ballet,
and I show promise and potential, and I love it,
I love it so much, but something sidetracks me
or something detours me from that call, that passion,
that desire on my life.
And in my 20s, God wants to revisit that call on my life.
I'm not gonna be a prima ballerina, am I?
No, but there's some version of that promise
that I can still have, even in different seasons,
isn't there?
Maybe I can open a dance school,
maybe I can be a choreographer,
maybe I can open a school for the arts
and teach young people ballet.
Who knows what I can do?
I can do something, even though what the version
that God had for me to be an influencer in the arts
when I was young is now different
in these other seasons of my life, right?
And so there's absolutely no,
there's no the one, there's no one spirit mate for you.
There are compatible destinies and assignments
in the form of people and spirits
that can be spirit mates to you
in different seasons of your life.
That's why when people get really upset about,
oh, you know what, now looking back,
knowing what I know now, Jackie,
I see that Chris that I dated in my 20s,
he was really a great guy
and he probably would have made a great husband.
And then they come to me and they're like,
did I miss out on my one chance at a spirit mate?
Because I broke up with him because I wasn't ready
or I wasn't blah, blah, whatever the reason is.
No, 100% no.
Now, could you have married him in your 20s
and could you have grown together and not apart
and had a great life together
and navigated those future seasons together?
Yeah, you could have, probably.
I don't know, Chris.
Chris is a made up person right now.
But you guys get the picture, right?
But in your 30s or your 40s,
when you're starting to think about this,
you don't just go looking for Chris.
You get what I'm saying?
You recognize and realize that God has someone for you
in this decade of your life, in this season of your life.
And for those of you that had promises
that had to do with seasons,
Seasons are not fall, winter, spring, summer.
When we hear the word season, that's what we think of.
We think of a very short timeframe.
Seasons can be all different types of time increments.
The Bible says that we are to know our times and our seasons.
Some people have seasons that last longer
than other seasons, other people's seasons of things.
I will tell you that I do believe
that we are all corporately in a season
of the revival of kingdom, marriage, and family.
And y'all are here together for it.
We're all here for it, right?
And it's really exciting.
So let's clear the slate.
If you didn't watch that Soul Ties bonus video,
it's in your JackieDorman.com portal.
Go look for it, watch it,
because it helps you get rid of expectations and outcomes
and things that you've been holding onto
that are taking up bandwidth
and not allowing you to see clearly.
They cause filters,
they cause blind spots in your present day life.
I tell this story a lot, but I'm gonna tell it again.
I had a student who thought that her husband
had a very specific first name.
This was what his name was.
And she felt like that was told to her from the Lord.
She felt like it was confirmed through every,
not anybody else, but through every time she would pray,
she felt like God would just say, hang on,
first of all, you're not gonna get married
until you're in your thirties.
Who, when they're 21 years old,
wants God to tell them they're not gonna get married
until they're in their thirties?
All right?
Right?
And listen, if you feel like God gave you a certain age
at which you're gonna get married,
get that word confirmed,
because you are gonna block yourself.
You are gonna block yourself if you hear stuff like that.
So not only did she think that it wasn't gonna happen
until later, and I don't think it was her thirties,
I think it was like five or six years
from whenever this was,
but she also thought that God told her the name,
the first name of her husband.
Long story short,
she never met anyone with that first name
until a guy started coming to their church
with that first name,
and he got involved in the leadership
and he started leading worship there,
and he never liked her and he married her roommate.
Well, that's a real kick in the teeth.
And that's why we don't buy into words like that
unless they're super confirmed.
Through what?
Other things and people.
And it can't be, oh, well, God told me this in prayer,
and now every time I go out driving,
let's just say his name was Brad,
because I always use that name for whatever reason.
Say you're out driving, God gave you this word in prayer,
your husband's name is Brad,
now everywhere the name Brad is,
you're gonna see it, Brad Street.
Oh, oh, God's speaking to me,
yeah, my husband's Brad.
You're gonna see that name all over the place.
You're gonna go to the store
and the guy that's checking you out at the grocery
is gonna be named Brad.
That's what's gonna happen.
Why?
Because it is at the top of your mind.
And the way that the brain works
is it is trained to show you what you're thinking about.
It will show you what you are thinking about,
you will see.
Top of mind.
And you're like, well, Jackie,
does that mean that that's never a pattern
that God's showing us?
No, but you cannot base your whole life on that.
Come on, y'all.
Some of you more mature girls are like,
no, no, no, girls, don't do it.
But we know that 10 years ago,
you were like, I saw 1111.
We know, we know all y'all, all right?
We've all been there, we've all done it.
So we gotta clear the slate, wash it clean
so God can write on it so all soul ties gone.
And then I really felt very specific.
I have never taught this in Dating 101,
but I'm gonna teach it right now.
That includes clearing the slate
from situationships and delusionships.
Okay?
Situationships are relationships
that have not been healthy,
they're still not healthy,
and you don't let go of them, all right?
It's like, for instance, I had a client once
and she had a guy best friend
and they tried to date on and off
like through their entire friendship
and it never worked
and it never got off first base at all.
And then they told each other
that if they weren't married
by the time they were 40 years old,
they would marry each other.
And instead...
going out there and dating other people because it was just so easy to be in relationship with
each other because they knew each other so well and they were so safe. They spent every moment
together. They went to football games together. They went shopping together. They went on vacation
together. They were a couple without being a couple. All right? Now, this is very vulgar,
but I'm going to say that the young people in high school, because I was a substitute teacher,
they would say, you're being cock-blocked if you do that. You cannot hang out with a guy
that is not a romantic interest of you. Neither will he be a romantic interest with you
if you want a real romantic interest.
Now, that's the friend situationship, but then there's also the situationship where you did date
and they won't fully let you go. They have a hold over you. There's a codependency that's
going on there. There's a soul tie that's going on there. And so just when you think
you're finally going to get free from the idea that this is really going to turn into a marriage,
they breadcrumb you a little bit. What's that mean? They just give you,
as soon as you start pulling away, they start pulling you back.
No, you have to clear the slate of this because if you don't clear the slate of this,
then you are not going to be able to see clearly to be with someone else.
So the friendship situationship where it's like, are we friends? Are we lovers? What are we doing?
And when I say lovers, I don't mean having sex. I mean, romantic relationship. Although some of
those situationships have had sexual contact in them, and that's why you're having such a hard
time letting it go. And you know who you are, so own it and let Jesus heal it. And then the next
thing is delusionships. What's a delusionship? A delusionship is when you were never in a
relationship ever, but you have told yourself you are. The worst example of this that I ever saw
was a private client who she worked at a hospital, a very large hospital. And she had a higher up
position in this hospital. And so she was there all the time. And there was a doctor at this
hospital that was really cute. And one time someone introduced them or whatever. And then
she would see him all the time. They would have like the same lunch break and they would be in
the cafeteria at the same time, or she worked on the same floor as he did. And so she would run
into him at least a few times a day when she was at work. And she convinced herself that they were
in a relationship with each other. Okay. Because when they would see each other, the stuff that
was exchanged in the cafeteria, the conversations that they would have about what they were going
to do or where they were going to go or different things like that. Y'all, this man never asked her
out. Okay. He never, he flirted with her. There was a flirtation for sure that was going on.
And if this woman would have told me that this went on for about two or three weeks or even
one or two months, I would have maybe been okay with that. Like, okay, it was a flirtation. You
didn't know, you didn't know where it was going to go. Y'all, this went on for two years.
And one day she was in the hallway and this man had not been at work for a couple of weeks.
And she was with a, another person and she was talking to them and she said, oh yeah,
Dr. So-and-so. And this person said to her, oh yeah, he's on his honeymoon. He got married.
She about had a nervous breakdown because her fantasy life had told her that she was in a
relationship with this person, that this person just hadn't asked her out officially yet, that
he was falling in love with her, but hadn't asked her out officially yet because of the work
dynamic, right? We work together. He's being really careful. And so here's some signs that
you're in a delusionship. You're obsessing about someone in the relationship that you have with
them. You're putting them on this pedestal. You're obsessing about them. You're thinking about them
all the time and you're, but you're not in a relationship with them. You're disappointed
because they aren't acting like they're in a relationship with you because they're not.
And thirdly, you're always looking for confirmation of their feelings for you.
Always trying to find some kind of confirmation that what you're believing about you and them
together is true, but it's not. And people do this with people online. This is how people get
catfished y'all. This is how people get with scammers.
They, they like the feeling that they're getting from the fantasy of a relationship.
That's not real.
It's not real.
Okay.
And so we got to let those go.
We have to let those go.
I know that a lot of times the mind will play tricks on us because we're hurting and we
want something to medicate ourselves with, but we've got to clear the slate so that we
can get going.
Amen.
And once again, a delusionship at the very most should be over within a week or two.
When you realize this person doesn't like me, this person is not interested in me or
they're unattainable.
Like this doctor, he was married.
And guess what?
The whole time that she thought that he was like falling in love with her, he was dating
and being engaged to this other woman who also worked at the hospital, but she didn't
know that because we tell ourselves what we want to know, right?
In those kinds of situations.
And you're like, wow, that's really clueless.
People do it.
And I guarantee someone here has done it and someone here might be doing it right now,
which is why Holy spirit wanted me to say this.
God does not want you wasting your time on something that's not real.
When there's something that is real waiting for you.
Okay.
All right.
So for the purpose of our communities, all of our communities, so you guys will all be
going over into bride school, which is connected to the single nation community.
So single nation, single nation, millennials, single nation on Instagram, any single city
groups.
We just had a huge turnout for single city reading.
I'm in reading right now and Sacramento and reading.
We had over a hundred singles come to our meetup last weekend, this Saturday, last Saturday.
And then the one before that three weeks before that we had 140 singles come.
So the single cities are taking off in certain areas.
They're really gaining traction.
So here are our, our, our rules of engagement, so to speak for men that you might meet within
our communities, guys that are in my coaching, they're in my 1822 program.
You might see them on co-ed prayer or supernatural Saturday, or you might meet them in one of
those groups that I just mentioned here.
Here's how we handle the different rules of engagement and phases of relationship.
We're all in community together and you can apply these phases to any community that you're
in your workplace, your church, your spiritual community, because remember dating is just
walking out the promises of God in our lives.
All we're doing is we're just putting action to our prayers.
We're putting feet to our prayers.
We're getting to know people.
There's grace on our face.
We're getting out there.
We're meeting new people.
We're entertaining the ideas of people that we already know as far as in the romantic
category.
And so level one or phase one of all relationship is just community.
Right now, all of us are in phase one with each other.
All of us right here tonight, we're in phase one.
Now none of us are going to get to phase three because phase three is romantic, but we might
get to phase two with each other as girls, girls to girls, because phase two is phase
one is community.
We're all in community together.
We consider ourselves in a community, in a sisterhood, in a brotherhood, in a community
hood.
We're all here together.
We're in the hood.
And then number two is, Hey, I really liked this person.
This person really, I just think they're so funny.
They're so intriguing.
I would, I would love to hang out with them.
I would love to have some sort of meetup or hang out with them.
Once again, you see that's platonic, right?
It could be a girl doing that to another girl.
Raise your hand if you've ever been with, been in community and you met a girl in community
that you're like, I want to be her friend.
I want to hang out with her.
I want to go to girls night with her.
I want to whatever.
Okay.
So the same with guys, y'all at phase two, it's like, yeah, this guy is really funny
He's fun.
I so enjoy his personality.
And then he might be the same way to you.
Like men might think this about a woman, like she's so cute and funny.
Like I would really like to get to know her better.
That's phase two, phase two for the male female dynamic.
It could last for the, for the female dynamic, female, female, of course that can last forever.
We become friends and we're going to be friends, right?
For the male dynamic, the male female dynamic, that situation, not situation ship, but that
connection let's use the word connection.
It will either grow into a phase three or it will stay at phase two.
And I really want to encourage you because we are a community bat matchmaking movement.
based matchmaking movement, that if you get to know men at phase one or two, and even
at phase one, they're in community with you, but you're don't, you do not want to get to
know them to a phase two.
You're not interested in hanging out with them one-on-one, but you think they're probably
a quality person.
Please refer them to our matchmaking community.
Please refer them to 1822.
Maybe you cross paths with them on a dating app.
You guys are dating apps, a community.
If you're on a dating app, Bumble, Hinge, I'll go ahead and name off the dating apps
right now.
You're going to have an online dating class, a safety class and profile making class, but
there's Bumble, there's Hinge, there's Holy, there's Higher Bond, there's Salt is another
Christian one, Upwards is supposed to be a Christian one, lots of spam on that one.
There's Facebook dating, there's let's see, Coffee Meets Bagel, Match, eHarmony.
So those are communities.
If you have a, if you have a dating app that you like, you're at level one with all the
people on that dating app.
When you swipe on them and they swipe on you, guess what?
You're at level two now.
You're in phase two of relationship with this person.
Now it doesn't mean you're going to go to phase three, but if you get to know them,
you think they seem pretty cool, but they're not for you and you don't even want to even
give it a shot to, after talking to them and having some interaction with them, please
think of your sisters, think of someone else that may like them.
And we're going to have a new group that's starting just for community-based matchmaking
solidly.
That's what it will be for.
So what's phase three?
Phase three is when you have been hanging out at phase two and you really like each
other.
You want to be romantic with each other.
You want to hold hands.
You want to kiss.
You want to, you want to be boyfriend and girlfriend.
You want to put titles on it.
You want to put intention on it.
You want to see if this can go all the way to phase five, which is marriage.
And then phase four of course is betrothal, engagement, all that.
So phase two, when you're no longer just in community, but now you're getting to know
each other one-on-one, hanging out, doing things, you can do that with more than one
person at a time.
I know shocking, right?
How shocking?
You mean I can hang out with more than one guy at a time?
Maybe not at the same time, but yes, you can.
You definitely can.
And I personally think that you should.
Now, if you don't have the bandwidth, you're not that you have a more easily exhausted
personality.
I know that we used to call it introversion, but I don't like that.
I don't like introvert extrovert because I don't believe that any of us, I don't believe
that any of us have the bandwidth for all the chaos and confusion of the world that
we live in.
And if you get exhausted more easily by public interaction, that doesn't make you an introvert.
It makes you an empath.
That's different, right?
It's important that you understand that if you need longer periods of time to recharge
after being around people, it's probably because you are picking up a lot of energy, okay?
Being exhausted.
And it also can mean that you're a people pleaser that is surrounded by people that
drain, a whole bunch of drains.
People that have a lot of problems are always in crisis.
People that have what I call main character personality, where they suck all the air out
of the room because they want tons of attention because they have heart wounds and attachment
style issues and all kinds of different things.
So if you find yourself being easily exhausted by your community, then maybe you need to
take a look at what your community is.
But going back to phase two, whatever you have the bandwidth, whatever brings you joy,
whatever you think is fun at that level with getting to know others, go for it.
I'm going to go ahead and answer this question before anyone asks it.
No, you do not have to tell men that you are hanging out with that level two, that you're
hanging out with other men.
And if they straight up ask you, are you, are you talking to anyone else?
I find that to be a yellow flag.
If they want to lock you down too early after they just met you into level three or phase
three, that's a yellow flag.
Those are yellow ish flags.
So what's phase three, phase three, once again.
and it's like, hey, we wanted to find this.
We want us to be exclusive, it's exclusivity.
Do not rush to exclusivity.
You don't have to rush to exclusivity, do you?
You wanna make sure that this is someone,
you know why you don't wanna rush to exclusivity?
Because it's so embarrassing to put in a relationship
on your Facebook page and then three weeks later
people see it's back to single again.
Everyone knows that you rush to level three
when you do that.
And it makes you seem a little unstable.
So yes, things do happen to cause
level three relationships to end.
And you do want it to end in level three if it's gonna end.
You don't want it to land in level four or five, do you?
So that's where we're gonna vet out.
That's where we're really gonna dig in.
If we're at phase three with someone,
we're gonna dig in to really getting to know them
and know their family.
And this is where you would introduce
your children to someone.
Okay, not at the beginning of phase three,
but a little bit into phase three
when you know that this is a true bonafide courtship.
That is when you would introduce them.
Now they can know you have children at phase two,
but they don't need to see pictures
of your children necessarily
until you're towards the end of phase two.
You trust this person.
Anyone still use babysitters that you don't really know
that are not friends and family,
like babysitters from like care.com or friend of a friend?
No, why don't we do that?
Because it's scary.
That's why.
So why would you tell a man that you barely know,
why would you show him pictures of your children?
Just because you've been on a few dates with him.
He doesn't need to see pictures of your children
until you're sure he's a safe person
and you're not gonna know he's a safe person
after two or three dates.
And that isn't to make you afraid,
but it is to let you know that
we are way, way, way too boundaryless or too boundary.
And so you need to decide which one you fall into.
Some people have no boundaries.
They're like, look, look at my three and two year old.
I mean, this dude could be a pedophile.
You don't know who he is.
Don't be showing him pictures of your kids.
Don't put pictures of your kids on dating apps.
You're gonna get into a dating online safety class next.
I don't teach that,
but you're gonna get a lot out of that, all right?
He doesn't need to know
about what your children look like or about your children.
You can just say that you have children.
If you use your discernment, ladies, use your wisdom.
All of you have it.
And if you've done your heart work,
it's no longer suspicion, it's intuition.
And don't ignore intuition.
Hold on a second.
Someone's not muted.
Look at Stephanie.
I accidentally just asked someone to unmute.
Don't do it.
I don't need you to unmute.
Okay, so use wisdom and discernment.
You have it.
If you're healing your heart,
then it's not gonna be unfounded.
If you feel like someone's not that safe,
they seem a little sketch, then don't ignore that, all right?
Especially if you're doing the heart work,
don't ignore that.
Now, don't be super picky and start picking somebody apart.
Critical heart is a broken heart.
Remember that, all right?
So phase two, we wanna stay there until we really know
that this person has the qualities and character
of someone that we would be able to marry.
Maybe not right now, but if things keep going well
the way they are, we know that this is the kind of person
that we wanna marry.
Ladies, always choose character over charisma.
Always choose character over charisma.
I know people love the word narcissist,
so I'm just gonna throw this out here.
True narcissism, people that are truly narcissists, okay?
Like the mental health disorder, that's narcissism.
They're always very charismatic.
Does that mean all charismatic people are narcissists?
I hope not, because I'm charismatic.
But at the same time, you need to see the difference
between those things.
So don't be won over by charisma
if there's no character there.
Be a fruit inspector, not a gift inspector.
That's for all you churchy, crunchy, churchy, chicky mamas.
You're like, oh, does he speak in tongues?
Does he know how to quote the scripture?
Or he might know how to do all that stuff.
He might be a preacher, but that does not mean
that he is a healthy man.
Okay, all right.
Ladies, at phase two, you may not even be with them
in person, right?
Especially on these online situations.
There's a lot of places where it isn't.
You can go on social media,
and I call these a lot more interesting,
Try to vet guys out before you get to an in-person date as much as you can.
than sitting through a recorded video.
Okay.
I like you to go ahead and say yes, unless you feel like this person's super sketchy.
They're a serial killer.
I'm not going out with them.
Good.
Don't do that.
But then always, and once again, you're going to take a safety class, but always go during
the daytime, go to public places.
Don't go on hikes in the woods for your first date with someone you don't know.
What don't?
Why?
Don't do that.
All right.
Don't have them pick you up.
They don't, they don't need to know where your house is.
You're like, that's chivalrous.
No, they don't pick you up at your house.
You don't ride with them.
You meet them there and you do it during the day in a public place and you don't let them
know where you live or any of that stuff.
Okay.
These are people that you're just beginning to get to know.
Try to have a phone call or a FaceTime with them before you meet up in person.
And here's a really good way to frame that.
Hey, just so it's not super awkward since we've never met each other before, let's jump
on a phone call.
Let's jump on a FaceTime.
Let's see each other.
Let's see each other face to face before we get together for lunch or whatever you're
going to do.
I do really like active first dates.
As you get to phase two and three, as you get to phase two, especially like deeper into
phase two, it's maybe your third, fourth, fifth date with a guy.
I want to make sure that you understand that you can be very proactive in helping plan
those dates.
Ladies don't have a spirit of entitlement where you think that these men are supposed
to plan everything.
They're supposed to do everything.
First of all, men are bad at this, historically bad.
And the ones that are really good at it, they're good at it for a reason usually, and it's
not a good reason.
So be willing to give the awkward guy who really doesn't know what to do a chance because
that shows he doesn't have a lot of bad experience baggage too, right?
Give him a chance.
The guy on the dating app that doesn't really dress well, give him a chance because the
thing that's missing from his life is a woman.
All of that is fixable and yes, you are going to fix it because you're a woman.
My husband still tries to wear outfits and I'm like, are you kidding me?
And he said, babe, I told you to look at me before we left the house.
I said, Hey, do you like this?
And you just said, yeah, yeah, whatever.
You didn't look at me.
And then we're in the car and I'm like, what are you wearing?
What are you wearing right now?
Right?
Yes, that happens sometimes.
And so, and my husband has better taste than most men.
Now, if a man looks completely put together, his hair looks better than yours, it looks
like he spent a lot more time on getting ready than maybe even you did.
Buyer beware, right?
Doesn't always have to be.
It could be a metrosexual.
It could be someone who's really cares about self-care, but he also can be pretty self-involved
and he could be a player because he knows what women like and he knows how to give it
to you.
Cool.
So these are all things there's definitely exclusions.
So please, they're not hard, fast rules at all, because I want you to give every man
who seems safe a chance because you never know what you're going to like.
Every man that seems safe, that's interested in you, that's wanting you to do something
with him.
Give him a, give him a, give him a phase two chance.
Now, if after a few conversations or in-persons, you're like, there's just, there's not going
to be anything romantic here.
You know it, you feel it in your gut.
It's not just, he's not your type.
It's not just, you haven't done your heart work.
If he is, he's got potential, bring him to us.
And if he doesn't have potential, like you're like, he's just got a lot more, lot more work
to do.
You can just turn his sails to the wind and send him on his way.
And there's a lot of different ways you can do that.
The easiest way to do it is just by being very honest.
Hey, I don't see, I don't see there being any kind of romantic connection between us.
It's been really nice getting to know you and I'm glad that you gave it a chance for
us to meet up, connect.
But I don't want to, I don't want to waste your time.
Also on these first couple of dates, ladies, make sure that you have a very short amount
of time.
That way, if it's going really poorly and you really aren't enjoying yourself, you don't
have to like dip out to the bathroom and leave without telling him.
You can just, you can say beforehand,
hey, yes, I would love to go out with you.
And if he says, whatever day he says,
you just say, yeah, I just want to let you know
that I have somewhere to be after this.
And you do have somewhere to be, it's called home.
All right?
And if it makes you feel better,
cause you're like, I don't even want to tell a white lie,
then set something up for afterwards.
Set up a phone call with your mom,
whatever it is that you got to do, just do it.
And that way, and for those of you that are like,
but if it goes really well,
then I'm going to be like, oh, my plan's canceled
and we can spend the rest of the day together.
Uh-uh.
No, if it went really well,
then the next date will go really well too.
You know what happens when you let a date
turn into a day date, an entire day?
You end up going too deep, too quickly.
You end up talking about things
that you shouldn't be talking about.
A lot of times we ignore red flags
and we have a lot of chemistry with someone.
And a lot of times those are the people
that doesn't turn out well later.
Okay, so even if you have felt like
you have known them all your life, okay?
Do not tell them that.
Here are a few things that I never want you to say
on the first couple of dates.
This is the best date I've ever been on.
What can you say instead?
I had a really great time, I'd love to do it again.
Right?
Here's another thing I don't ever want you to say.
I haven't felt disconnected to anyone else
ever in my whole life.
What can you say instead?
Wow, we have a lot in common.
I had a really great time.
I'd love to do it again.
All right, what else do I not want you to say?
I feel like I've known you all my life.
That's one that could be a yellow flag.
And so when you leave the date,
I want you to unpack that with Holy Spirit.
Why does this person feel so familiar to me?
What, what about this person feels so familiar?
Is it, do I feel safe and seen and known?
Is it a good thing?
Or is it a familiarity that is actually leading
to someplace I don't want to go?
All right?
And unpack that slowly.
You don't have to make some quick decision based on that.
Okay?
But you never say that to that person either,
because I'm telling you right now,
if that person is an unsafe person,
they're going to feed on that kind of stuff.
So make sure that you don't say that.
Here's another thing I don't ever want you to say.
Wow, I think I'm falling in love with you.
I know that's a no brainer,
but people say this kind of stuff
on first, second, and third dates.
Man, I just, I just feel like I'm falling in love with you.
No, you're not.
Okay?
Lust, perhaps, right?
Trauma bonding, maybe.
Love?
No, it's not love.
It isn't.
Okay.
All right, so anyone have any questions
before we go on about the phases of dating?
One, two, three, four, five.
And ladies, please let the man lead phase three.
Don't ask him things like, where is this going?
What's your intentions?
If you have to ask that,
that man is not ready for phase three with you.
You do not have to lead that conversation.
I know that a lot of other coaches will be like,
hey, have the DTR, define the relationship.
No, no.
You know what you do instead?
You don't clear your roster for one dude.
You keep your options open.
You date other people.
You stay on the apps.
You don't shut your app down.
If you're doing online dating,
you don't shut your app down
just because you had a few good dates with someone.
Right?
You don't do that.
Because what that does is it puts all the pressure
on this one connection to be the one connection.
And then you start obsessing about it.
And then you start trying to drive it forward
because that's what women do.
They try to drive it forward.
Okay.
I'm going to tell you something.
If that connection turns romantic,
okay, a long lingering hug.
He holds your hand.
He puts his arm around you.
You cuddle up together.
You kiss.
You make out.
You're automatically phase three.
You just skipped a level and you went to phase three.
So now you're not going to be able to,
you're going to have to clear your roster.
You got to clear the bench.
All the dudes got to go
that you may have been talking to before
until you figure out what's going on with this dude
because you can't be running around
with a bunch of people and kissing them
and making out with them and doing the things.
Why?
Because number one, that's not what a lady does.
And number two, it's going to cause massive confusion in your mind about what you want and
who you want. So you can't do that. So if that happens, that is the only time that you are allowed
to ask this person what their intentions are towards you. If you went ahead and got physical
with them, then you need to have the conversation of, Hey, where, where, where do you want this to
go? Where do you see this going? Especially if you get physical pretty early on in phase two,
then you really need to find out because first of all, you can't just be, go back to just being
like people that are hanging out, getting to know each other. You just exchanged body fluids. Okay.
Just made out with each other. You're not doing that. Once that happens,
there isn't any, Oh, well, let's just get to know each other better.
So you have to have the conversation of, Hey, we rushed into this, but we obviously are really
connected. I'm, if you are willing to see where this plays out too, and it's not super unhealthy
and toxic, then you can have that conversation. Otherwise you got to let him ask you to be his
girlfriend. Okay. And while, yes, I do believe that your girlfriend era is over. We don't really
have another word for phase three before you become his Beyonce. Right. And so at phase three,
he should be willing to introduce you as his girlfriend, as his significant other, he should
be willing to invite you to things that include his friends and family. Some men will even do that
at, at a deeper level too, as he's, as he's making a decision of whether or not you're going to go
to level three. I, I don't want you to have deep conversations with people as you're just starting
to get to know them. But if you start dating them for a while, like you've been dating them for a
month or two, it's important that you have deeper conversations. Otherwise you'll never get to level
three. And I don't mean like the clipboard of the interview questions of how many kids do you want?
When do you want to get married? Do you see yourself marrying me? Uh, what's your relationship
like with your, with your whatever. I'm not talking about that. Okay. I'm talking about
in level at the beginning of level two, do not do that, but you do have to start to talk about what
you're passionate about. If it comes up organically, like say they're going through
something, their parent is sick. It's totally natural and normal to say, do you have a good
relationship with them? Isn't it? If they tell you that their, their, their mother or father's dying
or they're sick, or they've had some kind of health scare with them, or it's normal for you to be
normal, do not interview men. And here's why. If you try to dig deeper into getting to know someone
that you don't know that you're just, just meeting, you will find out things about them.
I promise you this. You will find out things about them that you're not ready to hear.
And it could cause you to not go further in relationship with them
because your understanding of their character and who they are is smaller than this huge
revelation that you just learned about them. It's like a bank account. You got to make deposits
before you can make withdrawals. So if you start asking them, Hey, why are you divorced? What
happened in your first marriage? Why did your wife leave? Did you cheat on her? Have you ever
been unfaithful? What's your relationship with porn? Do you watch porn? Do you, what's your bank
account? Like, do you have a 401k? When are you going to retire? What kind of relationship do you
have with your children? Do they like you? Do they like their mom more if they're divorced?
All kinds of inappropriate questions for someone that you barely know. And depending on what those
answers are to those things, you might cut and run from someone who's amazing. And if you find out
those things in the proper alignment of your understanding of their character, then you can
handle that information. It's like that. It's like that show few good men. You can't handle the
truth. You can't handle the truth. When you first meet someone, you don't need to know it.
We don't need to know that about them. In fact, some of y'all that are prophetic,
God will hide things from you while you're sitting there trying to discern this person
because he knows he looks at the heart and he knows what they're like.
And it doesn't matter that they were in juvenile detention when they were 15.
years old, you don't need to know that about them.
Okay?
So stop sabotaging yourself with that.
Okay, so phase two, deeper into phase two,
you're gonna wanna start talking about things
that can get you to phase three.
Gonna have to start making that connection
in order to get to phase three, all right?
All right, any questions about the phases?
You guys have to unmute yourself
because I can't see the chat unless I pull it up,
which is difficult.
I went on a dating app before and had bad experiences.
I would rather meet them some other way.
How do you meet someone offline, all right?
There's lots of ways to do that.
I'll talk about that in a second,
but I really wanna encourage you to not completely let go
of the idea of online because of some bad experiences.
You're a new person now.
You did the hard work.
Things are different now.
It's a different season of your life, okay?
I want you to be willing to put yourself out there
wherever you can, but then at the same time,
we are trying to get together
community-based matchmaking opportunities,
and I wanna encourage you to do that where you live as well.
What you help make happen for others,
God will make happen for you.
Here's a little secret in case you didn't know.
Men are everywhere.
They're everywhere.
Where do I meet a guy?
Outside your front door.
They're everywhere, okay?
They're at the grocery store.
They're at the gas station.
They're at everywhere.
They're everywhere.
They're at the movie theater.
They're at the restaurant.
They're all over the place, aren't they?
They're at your church.
More important than your church,
they're at other churches,
and they're at retreats and spiritual community,
and so you need to get on your Facebook.
You need to get on websites,
and you need to find the things
that are going on in your area,
not just for Christian singles,
not just spiritual events, but also just regular things.
What do you like to do?
Go do it.
You like to play pickleball?
Go join a league.
Go join a pickleball league, okay?
You like a dog?
You got a dog?
Go walk your dog.
Go to your dog park.
Go to other dog parks that you don't go to.
Take your dog and go to places
that you don't take your dog,
like, for instance, I live in Austin,
and people walk their dogs downtown Lady Bird Lake,
around the lake.
Go down to Lady Bird Lake and walk your dog.
Put yourself in public situations.
You're like, but I don't want some stranger
coming up to me in public.
Why not?
You're like, well, what if they're not a Christian?
You're a Christian.
You're there.
Why couldn't there be another Christian there?
Remember, God has you highlighted,
but he can't spotlight you
if you're alone in your house,
under your bed, under the covers, whatever.
You have to get out.
You have to be out and about.
So many of my private clients go from work to home
to the same gym at the same time with the same people.
They already know who's gonna be there.
Go to a different gym.
Your gym has more than one gym, okay?
Go to a different location.
Work out there.
Work out at a different time than you normally work out.
Are you willing to make these changes?
Because I guarantee you'll meet people
that you don't know.
Look, if you know everyone that you know
and your husband is not amongst those people,
then you need to meet some new people, don't you?
And you know what else you need to do?
Utilize women and married couples.
I already told you to put yourself out there
on your Facebook page.
Tell all the people that know you
that you wanna be married
and that you are willing to entertain suggestions
and blind dates and all the things.
If you haven't done that, you need to do it.
Community-based matchmaking is the thing.
Did you know in 1995, 70% of people that got married
met through friends and family?
70%, y'all.
70%.
Now 70% of people are meeting online, including Christians.
And the reason why is because our friends and family
stopped fixing us up.
In fact, since COVID,
we don't even have in-person community hardly.
We're all on Facebook.
We're all looking at each other behind the screen.
Let's get together in person.
You guys, I went to an improv group last night
to go watch improv comedy,
a clean improv comedy troupe here in Reading.
It was hilarious.
And there were all kinds of single men and women there
in the audience.
Do that.
things that you enjoy that you're passionate about.
Do things that sound like fun to you, right?
If you like to ski, join a ski club, a traveling ski club,
where all kinds of people go on trips,
go on a singles vacation, do all kinds of things, okay?
Stop saying, oh, you know what?
There aren't any single men out there.
There's lots of single men.
Just because they're not where you are
doesn't mean that they don't exist.
So now you need to allow Holy Spirit
to bring you to where they are.
And you need to be willing,
if you meet someone who's not for you,
you need to be willing to bring them to this community
or to a sister that you've met in this community
and fix someone else up.
What you help make happen for others,
God makes happen for you.
So I digress.
I wanna say this.
Utilize older people and married couples
that you meet places.
You're like, Jackie, what I'm about to say
is gonna sound crazy.
And you're gonna say, Jackie, you're crazy.
And then, yeah, you know what?
I am.
But I'm also a successful matchmaker.
So you should listen to me.
So here's what we're gonna do.
When you're out and about,
I want you to raise your hand
if you've talked to a stranger
while you're out and about.
A woman, a married couple at the grocery store,
at the salon, when you're getting your nails done,
you've talked to someone that you don't know.
Now, I want you to keep your hand up
if you've talked to someone
you don't know about your life.
When you've just sitting in the waiting room,
you've shared details of things.
Just like, oh yeah, I'm here
because my foot hurts and I'm gonna get an X-ray.
Like, you just share things
because that's what women do.
All right?
So from now on, every time that you are anywhere,
you're on an airplane.
Yep, perfect example.
I have a rule that I don't talk to people on airplanes.
Just kidding.
But I try not to because then they don't stop talking
and then I wanna take a nap.
But I'm married, you're not.
So you're gonna talk to people on airplanes, okay?
You're gonna talk to people on the subway.
If you live in a place that you take public transportation
on the bus, wherever you are,
you're gonna talk to people.
You're gonna talk to your waitress
at the restaurant, wherever.
And what are you gonna do?
If the opportunity presents itself,
you are going to tell strangers
that you wanna get married,
that you're single and ready to mingle.
If you meet someone and they're really nice,
they're sitting next to you, they're so nice,
you're having such a good time talking to them
on the airplane or wherever you are,
you can say to them,
I've been working with a dating coach
and I really wanna get married.
So you're such a nice person.
I've met a lot of nice people.
So if you know a great guy that you think would like me,
hook a sister up.
You are going to do that.
Because what is that called?
That's called community-based matchmaking.
And 70% of people in 1995 got married that way.
Is this fun?
You go to events, you go to conferences,
you go to weddings of other people,
wherever you are,
you are going to let people know, not in a weird way,
but as it progresses in conversation,
hey, what are you up to?
Yeah, I've really been focusing on my love life.
And I really feel like I'm in a place
where I would really love to get married and meet someone.
So if you know anyone, send them my way.
You guys, it works.
So do it.
All right.
Anyone wanna unmute themselves
and ask any questions about any of the phases
or anything that we talked about just now?
And I know that small talk sucks
on those first couple of dates,
but please try not to make any withdrawals
from the bank account before there's enough deposits made,
because I would hate for you to miss out on a great guy
because you prejudged him based on information
that you never should have had yet.
Okay?
You're only trying to keep yourself safe
when you have that huge interrogation list anyway,
and you're God-defended.
Please don't even try to date
if you're not gonna be willing to be God-defended.
You have to believe that God is with you in this season
and that he's gonna keep you safe.
He's gonna show you what you need to see
when and if you need to see it.
Say that with me.
God's gonna show me what I need to see
when and if I need to see it.
Now, does that mean that you check your brain
at the coat check when you go on a date?
No.
If something seems unsafe and your discernment is going off,
then you need to pay attention to that.
But don't go digging around trying to find dirt on someone
that you barely know.
Okay.
All right.
Any questions?
Oh,
Go ahead.
Okay.
Oh,
there's a few of us.
Hey,
Laura,
you go.
I just want to say that.
I'm really happy to have learned this tonight because I'm mortified.
That there was a man in this community.
He was trying to explain level two dating to me.
And he could have been a great guy.
Cause I didn't understand the community dating rules.
So I'm happy to have learned them.
So thank you.
Are you saying this guy's from our community?
Yep.
Oh,
okay.
Okay.
Oh,
well,
Laura,
you can always circle back around and say,
Oh,
Hey,
guess what?
I had my dating one-on-one class and now I get what you mean.
And Hey,
cool.
I actually sent the guy an apology note during this class of,
Hey,
I completely misunderstood what you were talking about.
And I learned that tonight in Jackie's class.
Please accept my apology.
Okay.
I have a question when I was,
can you hear me?
Yeah.
Okay.
When I was in the middle of heart,
the heart work course,
A friend that I worked with wanted to set me up with someone.
And I said,
I'm open to it,
but after I finished this course,
She did send a mutual text between us.
And I guess he had let her know that he's just really busy for the
next few weeks.
So.
Okay.
I have a question.
So could apply to other people.
So with a set up,
should we let kind of the guy take the lead?
Because no one said anything.
And he said he was open privately.
And I just don't really know because I'm.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, okay.
So in all instances,
regardless of where you've met the guy at,
it doesn't matter.
Okay.
If after we have a face-to-face date with a man,
if he is not showing interest in us and showing interest in seeing us
again,
Then he probably didn't feel connected to us.
And,
or he just isn't in a season where he's looking for a romance.
Okay.
And that's okay.
Divine rejection is important.
We can only have one y'all.
Right.
So not everyone can love us.
And then how are we ever even going to choose?
If we have all these different suitors,
right.
If we have all these different suitors,
if we have all these different people,
it's important that we understand.
Let them weed themselves out.
Ladies.
Don't weed them out.
Let them weed themselves out.
So.
It's okay.
If you,
if someone gave you numbers and exchange numbers already.
It's okay for you to.
Initiate.
Until you make it to that first date.
Okay.
So.
If they're busy,
usually as an indication that for whatever reason,
this person's not feeling it.
And you're not going to get them.
You're not going to take them,
drag them kicking and screaming to a date.
They at least have to.
Want to engage.
Right.
Important.
So after the first face to face.
And that includes face time.
Anytime.
As soon as they've seen your face,
there's grace on your face.
And you guys have hung out with each other where they can see your face
and they can hear your voice and your body language.
If they are not trying to get with you again.
Then for whatever reason, they don't.
They're not feeling the connection and that's okay.
But until then, until the face to face,
you definitely can be as flirty as you want.
You can, you can help plan the first date.
I know we're like, oh, well they need to be intentional.
They need to pursue me.
They need to make the plan.
Girl, you're going to be waiting a long time.
Or are you going to end up with some player that is just like,
knows all his stuff.
Help a dude out.
They don't know where to go.
They don't know where you want to go.
And a lot of men have no experience dating.
They don't know how to date.
Especially the divorced ones.
They've been married all their lives.
They were married all their life.
They didn't have to date.
They were married.
I know that sounds terrible, but it's true.
And I guarantee you their wives were the ones that drove most of that
community and their friend groups and their interactions.
Why? Because that's what women do.
A lot of times women will give me a list of what they want to marry.
And I'm like, oh, you want to marry a woman.
That's what you want.
You want another woman.
Because the list that you've given me describes a woman.
Now, does that mean that men can be apathetic?
headache that they can not be intentional or no, it doesn't mean that, but it does mean
that you need to be careful what you're judging a man on, right?
You don't want to be judging him, uh, on how well he does ABCD EFG when it's not that type
of event, right?
It's like the Olympic judges judging a diver on the same criteria as they would a gymnast.
It doesn't make sense.
Or that they would a skier or a bowler or something.
You need to make sure that the things that you want him to display are things that make
sense for the level of relationship that you're at with him.
Okay?
Now, if someone wants to court you, then you can expect a lot more intentionality.
You can expect a lot more attention.
You can expect a lot more time investment.
If someone wants to marry you, be engaged to you, then once again, the level gets upgraded
to more of the intentionality and the attention and the, all the things, a lot of people ask,
what do you do in between dates when things are going well, or what do you even do before
you get to the date when there's just a lot of communicating over technology, like whether
it's on a dating app.
So what I like, and you're going to hear more about this in an online dating, but if you
met over an app, getting off the app is important to a phone call.
You'll be taught how to set up a Google voice for yourself.
So it's like a phone number.
That's not your phone number.
So you can start texting and calling instead of giving your phone number out, but it's
good to get off the app as long as you're not with a scammer who's trying to get you
onto another like a app that has like whatever features it is that they're trying to do that
with.
And you'll learn all about that in online dating.
I'm not even going to get into that right now, but say you're with a real person for
the sake of what I'm about to say, say, this is a real guy.
You're having great conversation with him.
How often should you text him?
Like maybe you haven't gotten together yet.
You should reciprocate at whatever level he is, whatever he's doing, reciprocate.
Okay.
So if he's texting you and checking in on you, this is what a guy will do.
If he's, if he's feeling the connection, he will send you text messages.
He'll send you memes.
He'll send you funny little things.
He'll send you little flirts.
They'll be checking in on you a couple of times a day.
How are you doing?
How's your day going?
What did you do today?
That's what will happen.
Even after you see each other in person, that's not sustainable.
Okay.
That happens at first.
It's normal for that to, to ebb and flow a little bit.
So maybe like you had a great first date and now you're going to go on a second date.
He's already asked you, it's already planned, but maybe he's not texting you as much as
he did before the first date, because once again, it's not sustainable to be checking
in four or five times a day and all the things.
But you'll notice that right before the date happens to say the dates on Saturday, like
the first, the couple of days before that, the communication will pick up a little bit
in anticipation of what's about to happen.
So feel free to flirt, to send memes, to send funny things, show them that you were paying
attention to them on the date.
So if they said, Oh, Hey, they love football season.
They love fantasy football.
Send them a funny meme about fantasy football.
You know what I'm saying?
Like show them that you were listening.
This is how you show someone that you can see them.
All right.
It's by doing that kind of stuff on fur on dates.
Here's the things that I want you to stay away from on those initial dates.
Nothing negative.
Ladies don't talk about anything negative.
Don't talk about the president.
Don't talk about your church.
Don't talk about your job that you hate.
Don't talk about Xs, no X and no sex.
We don't have those conversations on these, getting to know you meetups.
If you start talking about sex, then you can't stop talking about it because once you open
the sex box with the dude, then he's going to be bringing up questions about that, right?
If a guy asks you on a date in the Christian context of, Hey, have you ever had sex before?
That's the yellow flag for me.
Why are you asking me if I've ever had sex before?
That's none of your fricking business.
And you know what?
That's okay for you.
And I know women are so polite.
Stop being polite.
There's a difference between being polite and being kind.
Okay.
And so if a man asks you an inappropriate question about your sexuality, like, have you ever
had sex?
And he might say something like, well, my former spouse hated to have sex, never wanted
to have sex with me.
So I just making sure that whoever I date or.
whoever I fall in love with really enjoy sex.
No, that's inappropriate question, okay?
And so if someone says something like that to you,
you need to be ready with a response to that, right?
If someone asked me that question,
as I'm just getting to know them,
I would say, well, as soon as they say that,
I would say, I'm so sorry to hear about you
and your former spouse's sex life,
but that's really a TMI.
It's too much information for this conversation.
What does that do?
You say it in a kind tone, but it's letting them know
you're barking up the wrong tree, buddy.
So if you think that you and I are about to have a sex talk,
you're wrong.
But if he did it ignorantly
and he just really doesn't know what he's doing
and he really is afraid that he's gonna end up
in a relationship with some rigid or frigid woman,
that shows him right there
that you're not going to have that conversation.
And if he treats you respectfully,
then you can continue to have conversation
because some men just really don't know
that that's inappropriate
and some men are doing it to bait you.
They're fishing to see if they can get you
into some inappropriate sexual conversation, right?
Either because you're too polite to shut it down
or you're feeling kind of frisky too.
You're a little horny yourself
and you're ready to have a sex conversation with you.
I have a student right now
who her date wanted her to know
that he has an unusually large package.
What?
And wants to make sure he's married,
ends up dating and married to someone who can handle that.
That is a red flag.
Anytime a man talks about his penis to you
as you're getting to know him,
that's a big fat red flag.
Okay?
Right, it is.
All right, and so we don't,
and this is why, ladies,
this is why we don't bring up our stance
on sex before marriage in these preliminary dates
because once you say the word sex,
you have opened the sex conversation.
And there isn't any reason to have that conversation.
There's not.
Until that relationship turns romantic
and it's going towards a romantic place,
that is when you say,
hey, I'm definitely feeling this connection with you.
Maybe you held hands or you kissed or whatever,
but I just want to let you know,
I think it's important for us
to have a conversation about this.
That's when you have that conversation, okay?
If they bring it up,
if they bring it up honorably,
like for instance,
you're on a second date and they say,
how do you feel about sex before marriage?
I just want to let you know that I'm abstaining
and I don't believe sex before marriage is right.
That's completely honorable.
If they bring it up, you can just say,
I agree with you.
I'm of the exact same mindset.
That's it.
Drop the subject.
Okay?
All right.
So no ex talk, no sex talk.
I already told you, don't use,
if your love language is words of affirmation
and you're really feeling this guy,
you are the people that might say things like,
this is the best date I've ever been on.
Oh, I can't believe this.
I feel so connected to you.
Remember that's your gift.
That's now being overextended
because you don't know this person that well.
And in two more dates,
you might change your mind.
You might be like,
this is the worst person
that I've ever been on a date with.
So let's curb the enthusiasm
until we get to know them better.
Okay.
Any questions about any of that stuff?
Guys, small talk is not fun,
but it's appropriate at the beginning.
All right.
I'm going to just, I'm going to,
if you have any questions at all,
please ask them.
I want to let you guys go soon.
You are going to have a whole dating,
online dating class
that's going to talk about how to navigate that,
how to make your profiles,
what you should put on your profiles,
what apps we like best
that everyone's saying,
hey, I'm having luck here
and this is good
and all the things.
More than friends or not,
this is where we're going to end tonight.
If you are a friend of mine,
this is where we're going to end tonight.
If you have someone
who has been your friend
and now you have feelings for them,
it's important that you're honest
with them about that.
It's about risk versus reward.
I understand that you're taking a risk
of losing that friendship,
but you don't want to be their friend, right?
And so instead of pining away
for this person,
because they probably already know
that there's some other dynamic happening here.
So just go ahead and say,
I could see this going further than friends.
Do you see that?
Do you see?
that as well. Do you see any potential for us being more than friends? And if they say yes,
then you can have a discussion about what that might look like. If they say no,
then you're very honorable about that. You're like, thanks for letting me know.
I really appreciate you. I admire you as a person. And that's why I have felt like I would like to be
more than friends, but I honor your no. And there isn't a reason why you can't be friends with them
still. But in order for you to let go of that situation ship and that fantasy, sometimes our
delusions ships have to do with a friend. And then we think that we are reading into their
behavior all the time, but they like us more than maybe they do. That will free you up to
actually be able to be in relationship with someone that you may not be able to continue
that friendship anyway, because your actual real boyfriend, fiance, husband might not want you
to be in a best friendship with a man. Right. And then if someone comes to you that you've known for
a really long time and you're not willing to entertain more than friends, you just know in
your heart that there's nothing there and you've done your heartwork and you've let go of your
types and you've given it a chance with the Lord. And you're like, no, I just can't do this.
Then you want to validate their feelings. Okay. You want to put yourself in their shoes,
validate them, let them know you really admire them, but there just is not, you don't feel the
way about them that a woman needs to feel about a man in order for it to be a romance. And,
and then if they pull away a little bit, let them. Cause some of y'all are guilty of having men in
the friend zone that pay a lot of attention to you and do a lot of things for you that you have
no intention of ever being romantically involved with, but you know, they like you and you're using
them for attention and for validation. And that's wrong, y'all. That is a hundred percent wrong.
And so if you're doing that, stop doing it for real. Stop playing with that man and let,
and set him free. And yeah, there's going to be a space there. There's going to be a void there.
There is, you're going to have to get your self-esteem from someplace else. How about Jesus?
Cool. I had that. Look, I ain't judging you. I let, I, I strung a dude along for like six years
knowing he was madly in love with me. We dated briefly, but then friendship knowing that he was
madly in love with me would have married me the next day probably. But I did not have those feelings
for him. And, but I love the attention and I love the support. I love all the,
all those things. And I had to set him free. The Lord, the Lord checked me.
He did. He said, he said, remove yourself. I'm going to remove you. And I said, Oh,
I'm going to remove myself from this situation. Not like remove me, like kill me, but just like,
Hey, you know what? Fall on the rocks. So you, the rock doesn't have to fall on you. Amen. All
right. Any questions? That's it. Any questions, ladies? 90 minutes. We made it been helpful.
Is it helpful? You guys feel empowered. You're going to get out there. You're going to have
conversations with strangers. You're going to give, you're going to give God all the opportunities
to match you, fix you up with someone, right? Yes. All right. I feel like there's going to be
momentum acceleration over this group after tonight. And remember you can meet someone
anywhere. Christians go everywhere. They're everywhere, everywhere. Can you, I'll answer
this question since you guys didn't ask it. Can you, can you go out with someone if you don't
really know where they are in their faith? You don't know where they are in their faith until
you know where they are in their faith. And that's not something that everyone wears on their sleeve.
If you meet them in a spiritual context, you might think where they are with their faith. Cause you
met them at a church or something. And you're like, well, they were there. It doesn't mean just
because they were there that you should let your, you should completely just like, like I said,
check your brain at the coat check and not pay attention to the fruit of their lives.
But then at the same time, there are other men that maybe you don't really know where they are
spiritually, but you'll find that out as you get to know them. Right. Do I believe that you should
be with a Christ follower? A hundred percent. Should you also be with someone who's hungry
and teachable and wants more and more and more? Yes. But only if you're like that,
please don't expect to have a man like that. If you're kind of a lukewarm Christian,
if you're someone who's not following after Christ, if you're someone who is sort of just
religious in your thinking, but you're not trying to grow and you're not trying to stretch yourself
into more discipleship, then don't expect.
have a man like that. Okay. I know we think men are supposed to spiritually lead us closer to Jesus,
but that's not really what that scripture is talking about. And that scripture, I believe
that we together will help each other be more connected to Christ and grow together. But the
spiritual leadership of the man, he doesn't have to know the Bible better than you. So a lot of,
a lot of female Christians, they, they work this like a job. They've been missionaries. They've
been in all kinds of ministry schools. They've done all kinds of things that maybe men didn't
get to do because they were working full-time or they were doing this or that. And so it's
not about that. What it's about is, is that is, is he through his relationship with you? Is he
making you want to draw closer to the Lord? Is he teachable? Is he willing to be in mentorship with
other men? Is he willing to grow? And does he want to cover you and protect you within relationships
spiritually? Those are some of the things he might not even fully know what all that means,
but is he willing to find out what it means? And I will say this ladies, if a guy is really
sexually attracted to you and he knows that that's what it's, what's important to you,
please don't fall for men who are going through all the motions and jumping through all the hoops,
just because they want to eventually jump through the hoop into your bed and they're hoping to get
there. And so they're willing to be all the things that you want them to be. You need to really pay
attention during that phase two and phase three of whether this man truly has a relationship with
God that he's pursuing, or he's just pursuing relationship with you. And because of that,
he's willing to go through all the spiritual things, right? Cause I have a couple right now
that's getting separated because this man really had no intention of pursuing Christ,
but just because he was willing to send this girl scriptures while they were dating. Yeah,
because that's what she started. She started sending scriptures and he started sending them
back and she suggested they do a devotional together. And so they started reading this book
together. Y'all that does not make him a Christ follower. Okay. Just because he's willing to do
whatever you're asking him to do, because the payoff is having sex with you. Eventually you
got to pay attention to that. There were a lot of red flags in this situation that she didn't
pay attention to. She was basically, he wasn't kicking and screaming, but she definitely was
dragging him through discipleship. And we don't want to do that. Do we?
All right. Have an amazing night and we will have next week dating online dating and don't
forget your divine feminine ladies. Don't forget your divine feminine. When you're showing up in
all these situations, apply the stuff that you already learned about the divine feminine as well.
And then you'll also be having a boundaries class. If you haven't already had that,
did you guys have that yet? Okay. So that'll help you with your no muscle. Gotta learn how to say a
lot of notes so that you can say one important. Yes. Someday. All right. All right. See you soon.
Bye everyone.