Okay, folks, so I am excited.
My name is Renee.
I actually think, was it me?
I think it was me just last week with y'all, wasn't it?
I did the Divine Feminine Teaching.
Okay.
Why do I feel like that was a month ago?
I don't know why.
I was excited, you guys.
That was the first time I got to teach that one, and it was so good for me to like rewatch
Jackie, do it a few times, and then me write down the notes.
Like it really made me kind of grab a hold of that.
So if you've not yet seen the Divine Feminine, they all really go together.
Like the Dating 101, the Divine Feminine, the Online Dating, and the Boundaries that
I'll be doing next week, they all work together, and you guys, they're so good for relationships
in general.
Like this is not just about dating, and I really love that the theme is last year single,
and that this just isn't about you finding your spirit mate, but we all want that, right?
But it's about becoming the best version of who God originally designed you to be.
And it's been all this unpacking, because I don't know about you, but that's the guy
I want to attract, like healthy Renee, not unhealthy Renee, because unhealthy Renee has
gotten some great marriage proposals from really unhealthy men.
So thank God, even in my brokenness, I ran from those, because those would not have been
good marriages.
And so what a blessing for us.
And I know it feels like, gosh, all this stuff, and it really is.
We're going to kind of unpack online dating, but I'm also going to really touch on what
dating, and like you might have heard, like what's with the men's community?
They're single nation in 1822, and I'm going to talk a little bit about what that is and
what it's not, because I think a lot of us were really confused in the beginning.
And so we're going to kind of unpack that, get a pen and paper.
I normally teach this on a PowerPoint, but then I literally can only see like three of
you in the screen.
And so I can't tell how you're doing with it.
So I got this handy dandy packets.
I want you guys to grab a pen, whether you type on your computer, whether you like handwrite
notes, scribble stuff down, whether you are the online dating expert or you're like, heck
no, there's no way I'm getting back out there.
I'm for you.
I also want to tell you guys that I am old enough that, Nicole, I will try to, I'm not
going to promise how quickly it's going to get to you.
So don't sit back with your latte and not take notes because you think I'm sending you
a packet.
I think there's something about us learning and retaining when we write it down ourselves.
So go ahead and take really good notes.
And then it'll be a bonus if I get this packet out to you.
I don't want you to rely on the packet because too many times people just sit back and not
really kind of fully engaged.
I want you fully engaged.
So here's what I can tell you.
I'm old enough that I was on eHarmony when eHarmony was like the very Christian place
to go.
And you didn't see who the guy was until like step number 20, I swear to God, like you learned
all this stuff about him before you saw his photo.
I'd been online before swiping because it became a thing, before we had to worry about
catfishers, before we had to worry about spammers and scammers and all the things, and no one
hated online dating more than me.
So I promise you, I'm coming from a place that I get you, girl, I get you.
And when I did the dating challenge a couple of years ago, right around this time, two
years ago, I was like, well, goodness gracious, I run a nonprofit and I help in community
theater.
So I'm only ever around married men and gay men.
This is why I'm still single.
I'm not going to hit a dating challenge, meeting men in real life.
I've tried, it doesn't happen.
So I'm like, dang it, I got to go back online.
So I really took a hold of everything that Jackie taught.
And honestly, in the first six months, I had a different dinner date every Saturday night.
Like I had three restaurants I rotated for.
Like the host and hostess was like, hey, it's her again with the new guy.
And I learned so much.
And in the last two years, I've done, like, I don't know, I've talked to maybe 200 guys.
I've maybe been on 50 first dates.
There was at least three or four guys, I went a couple months in it.
There was a guy I took all the way to the Simbas class, which is the save your marriage
before it starts.
It's the pre-marriage class that Jackie does here in the community.
And then you know what, when my dad passed away very suddenly last year, I took a time
out from dating because it was a very complicated relationship, very sudden death, lots of work
I needed to work on.
And so that's the beauty of this program.
Please do not have like this FOMO, a fear of missing out, like, oh my gosh, I've got
do in 12 months or less, because then I'm going to look like a loser if I don't like
just throw that timeline away.
Do not compare yourself to anybody else in this group.
Do not compare yourself to anybody else in this community.
You're going to find your person when you're ready, when it's time, and you're not going
to miss them.
Like I'm not going to miss my guy, you're not going to miss your guy.
And I have never believed that more than I believe that now.
And you would think I would have given up by now, but like, you know what, I'm just
becoming a better and better version of myself.
And all of the weirdo, funny, silly, creepy, weird dates I've been on is only helped me
become a better human.
And hopefully I've been a blessing to them.
And maybe that's your attitude.
So I kind of feel like this class is for the person who has been online and hated every
second of it, felt like they were working a job for people who are like, heck, no,
I don't want to get scammed.
There's no way in heck, I don't want to be a loser.
I think the data is 70% of people who are meeting their spouse are meeting them online
now.
In that Simba's class that I took, there was like 28 of us that started out, less than
two people, like I think one person in the group was introduced by Jackie directly.
I think two people knew their person in real life already.
And the other like 25 people met online.
And I'm going to hear to tell you, like if I asked what online sites I could name at
least seven that were in that Simba's class.
So it's less about where you go and it's about who you are and how you show up.
So just remember that.
So I want to make this fun for you guys.
I just had a single city Nashville meet up this Saturday, which by the way, it was 85
degrees on Saturday and I was wearing a sundress and today it's 40.
Like I'm in flannel.
I mean, it's Nashville.
I mean, we have like evidently a cold freeze going on right now.
And so I was sitting out at dinner and these girls were like, oh my gosh, online is so
awful.
I'm spending all these hours.
I'm like, y'all, I spend 15 minutes tops in a day.
I get on and I get off.
Like and I'm going to talk to you about how I keep it super simple and how I don't make
it like this burdensome thing.
And yes, there are going to be feasts.
Oh, see, got a hinge message right as we were talking.
And so it's going to be feast or famine.
You're going to have some seasons where you're like, it's the wasteland.
I'm getting nothing.
And then there's going to be like a week you're talking to nine different people at the same
time.
And you're like, hmm, Steve, what did I tell Steve?
Where's Steve from?
Okay.
Anyway.
So I promise you, no matter where you are in the spectrum, buckle up.
It's going to be fun.
If not, and I want you to start writing your questions down.
I want to, I feel like I keep seeing the same questions over and over again.
Even from people who've already taken this class.
So I want you guys to be the A team.
I want you guys to be so engaged that you're not going to ask these questions.
Because sometimes when I look at like the July group and the April group, I'm like,
oh, even people from my group.
I'm like, y'all, how many times have I said this?
Like, this is what you got to do.
Just do it.
Just trust me.
So I want you to go in with a fresh attitude.
So that's your mindset.
So the first thing we're going to talk about is three quick bullet points.
So you can write on here, mindset, same like mindset, just mindset.
Three things.
I want you to go in with a fresh attitude.
So I want you to wipe the slate clean, whatever you have thought about it.
Even if it was today, you're like Renee, I was already online today and it already sucked.
I get it.
We're just going to wipe that slate clean.
I also want you to start getting online to practice dating.
You may or may not meet your spirit mate.
I have to be honest with you.
I don't think I'm going to meet my spirit mate online.
I really don't.
I actually think the stuff that God's having me do right now in the next season of my career
is where I'm going to meet him, but I'm going to continue to meet men online because A,
that might be where I meet them, but B, I'm just learning so much better how to show up
on dates, you guys, because everything I'm going to tell you not to do, it's because
I did it like, and it did not work for me and it made me miserable.
So I'm, you know, you're going to learn from all of my mistakes.
It's going to be fabulous.
Okay.
Number two, do it to date, not necessarily to get married.
This is good for you.
And I know our dating, the era of boyfriend is over.
I'm not saying that, but you've got to date a lot of people to kind of find your person
or not.
Number three of your mindset, stop overthinking every match, every guy you talk to.
So number one, have a fresh attitude.
Number two, do it to date, not to get married.
Number three, do not overthink every match like you guys.
This is how fast men decide, you know, and like I've heard male therapists, I've talked
to plenty of men.
This is how fast they decide, which is why write as little as possible, because they're
really not reading it anyway.
They literally look at photos and they swipe left or right, they go, hmm, hot, not hot,
hot, not hot.
hot. Now hot to them is whatever they're attracted to. I could be hot to them. You could be hot to
them. It don't matter. You guys, some of the women in this community who you and I would think
men wouldn't think are attractive have been the first ones to get married. So do not think only
the pretty girls, the thin girls, the outgoing girls get married in this community. That is not
true. So men are pretty visual. They're pretty fast at it. And they're all like, they all have
their thing. Some guys like eyes, some guys like hair, some guys like teeth, you know, whatever,
just like us. Like, so don't overthink it. They're not overthinking it. We don't want you to
overthinking it. As you get to know men and you want to get to that level two, level three dating
that, you know, Jackie talked about, yes, then you start to become more discerning. But in that
first, like, don't whip out the dossier in an FBI research on a guy that you're just looking at
his profile for the first time. Let it go. All right. Y'all with me? Okay. So with sites, the
first thing that people always say to me is, well, let's say it's okay. The first one that everybody
should do, cause it's free and we're all in, we're all on Facebook because this community, right?
We're all on it. Whether you just opened up your dang profile, just because I'm going to go to
Facebook, you can only access it from your phone. As far as I know, you cannot access Facebook from
your computer. I don't even think you can access it from your iPad yet. Right at the bottom, there's
a little heart. If it's not there, you go to all your shortcuts and you swipe down and then dating
should be on that option. So we're going to go there. So your profile in Facebook dating is not
your Facebook profile, all your friends, your pastor, your mother, nobody's going to know that
you're on Facebook dating, except for the same people that are on Facebook dating. Okay. So then
you do your profile and we're going to kind of go over what a profile looks like. But look, see,
I got a bunch of pictures of me and then let's see. So I got one good full body shot and then
that's it. That's my intro. It's literally this short. Grew up in Connecticut in California,
been in Nashville 20 years. Finished an 18 year stint running a nonprofit. Now full-time remote
as a consultant. So I put full-time remote so it tells them I can move. Enjoy dinner with friends,
beaches, nature, local live events, and helping others. I like to laugh, but enjoy deep thoughtful
conversations. I want to be in a relationship where we inspire each other to grow our minds,
good accountability, body exercise and healthy eating and spirit. I am a Christ follower.
Look forwarding to meeting men who want to meet in real life. That's it. Breezy, breezy, breezy.
I did not tell you I'm like single, never married for, I mean, it actually does say my height in
here. But then it has, I have like this photo got taken of me. It's not been doctored up,
but it is a photo of a photographer took for my website. So then my very next photo is one right
off my iPhone. And I, that's also a selfie that I took and look at this is me in an elf costume.
So we're going to kind of talk about how you feel it in. But the beautiful thing about Facebook
dating is it's right here on Facebook and it's free. So this one should always be up because
it's easy to do. And I'll tell you guys, a lot of people our age have met some really quality,
some of the nicest guys that I dated have been on Facebook dating. Obviously the other ones that
people mention a lot is Hinge. Like I'm going to give you the secular ones first. Hinge, Bumble,
eHarmony is no longer Christian. So don't think it is. It's not that it's not, but it's not
designated. So, but Bumble and Hinge are like the easiest ones that look a lot like Facebook. So if
you've done it for Facebook, it's going to be easy to upload the same pictures and the same
information. And then of course, there's all of the Christian ones, which can have a lot of scammers
on them too, because I don't think they have as much staff monitoring and cleaning house. So
there's Upward and Salt and Holy. And I don't know, you guys can put in the chat, the ones that
y'all know about. Then of course, there's the specialized ones, fitness singles, farmers who
are single. I mean, there are like all sorts of hobbies, like Google it, man. You'll find like
all sorts of hobbies. Like one of the girls in our community, she owns horses and she loves horses. I
go, girl, why are you not on the farmers, the dating site for farmers? Like there's some hot
farmers. I would never date a farmer, but you clearly should. And so that's definitely important.
Actually, I really should put the chat box in case you
You guys are trying to talk to me.
I will know that you're trying to talk to me.
OK.
Christina, I'm reading off of my own packet.
It's a PowerPoint presentation that I put together for this.
OK.
So yes, and honey.
Honey, I've not heard of honey.
Interesting.
OK.
And oh, OK, that's good to know.
OK, so I will say this.
Some of the best ones are pay to play.
So I always do, for me, I've always
done one paid one and one free one at the same time.
So whether it was Hinge, or Bumble, or Match,
or eHarmony, I've always been willing to pay for one,
and I pay for 90 days.
You always want to try to stick to a site for about 90 days
before you cut and run from it.
So if you're doing like Facebook and Hinge,
or Facebook and Bumble, the difference about Bumble
is you match, he matches with you,
but then you have to send the first message.
Because I want men to take the lead,
here's how I make Bumble about him so I'm not doing the work.
I always say, hey, it looks like we both matched on Bumble.
Why don't you go ahead and read my profile?
Because they probably didn't.
And if you still want to chat, I'd love to get to know you.
I noticed that you like water skiing.
I like water skiing.
That's it.
If I never hear from him again, done.
But it's not like, so I'm basically saying,
I know that we matched.
If you're still interested, I'd love to get to know you,
and I call it a day.
So that's the only one where you do have
to initiate the conversation.
Okay, here's what you need to realize.
There is no one perfect site.
There are scammers in all of them.
There are catfishers on all of them.
There are weirdo dudes.
There are short dudes, fat dudes, ugly dudes,
Christian dudes, atheist dudes.
Like, why the 90 days, Christina?
And I will talk to you about how to drop the hanky.
Why the 90 days?
I just feel like there's like a cycle with,
I feel like there's a cycle with the dating sites.
Again, I've done this long enough.
I feel like sometimes like they want to give you
a lot of matches all at once,
but if you're not in that cycle
where it's kind of churning out matches for you,
you might get off too soon.
So, and usually the packages,
if you're going to pay for a package,
it's actually cheaper to buy the 90 days than pay monthly.
So stick to two.
Don't make yourself crazy.
Because if you guys, if you've got the money and the time
and you want to be on five sites at the same time,
have at it.
This girl's got too much life to live.
Like, I am not going to be on a website
all stinking day long.
So I'm not going to balance more than two.
If you want to balance more than two, have at it.
I'm also going to tell you,
you're going to make yourself crazy
if you're bouncing off and on them every single month.
So get some stability on the sites.
All right.
Safety first.
Okay.
We've already talked about,
so what's the difference between a scammer and a catfisher?
A catfisher is somebody who literally isn't the person
that you're seeing in the photo.
They are using stock photos.
They've stolen someone's identity.
So a catfisher is false identity.
What about Tinder?
I can't stand Tinder.
I'll tell you this.
I mean, and I know one of the girls in our community
met her husband on Tinder.
So it's not about that.
Here's my personal problem with Tinder.
There are so many men of all backgrounds.
So many of them just looking to hook up.
I found it overwhelming.
You're going to get hundreds of matches.
And for me, like, I feel like I consider Tinder,
like if you've ever seen an Ironman,
I used to do triathlons.
So if you've ever seen an Ironman,
the open water swim of an Ironman,
it just looks like this with a bunch of people swimming
and knocking into each other.
That's what I think of when I think of Tinder.
It's just a hot mess.
Now, if you got the time and the capacity
to weed through all the dudes on Tinder,
have at it, girls.
I support you from afar.
Okay, so catfishers are people
who aren't who they say they are.
Here's how I know when it's a catfisher.
If they look like stock photos,
if he's the only person in all of the photos
and he has no group shots, like no,
like I would rather see that stupid picture
of the guy at the gym and the bathroom,
because at least, you know, he's for real, right?
But if he looks too good to be true,
he's probably too good to be true.
Now, you know, they've gotten really savvy today.
So usually I look at someone's photo.
So like, if I get matched up to some hot doctor
living in a mansion and he tells me.
how fabulous I am. And he's got like the perfect profile. Now, I think I'm amazing, but I'm sorry,
I'm not getting that guy. So like, I try to be realistic. I do. So if it looks too good to be
true, probably is. The scammer is somebody who's going to want something from you. He might either
want time, because everyone always assumes a scammer wants your money and he wants to steal
money from you. Sometimes scammers just want to steal your time. They want to steal your adoration.
They want to steal your hopes, your dreams. Do you know what I'm saying? Like scammers don't just
want to steal your money. They just, they have a need and a fix. And so sometimes they just need
the attention. And so you can tell scammers, and we'll talk a little bit about it, but usually
scammers come on way too strong. You can't even say, and I'll kind of go over in a little bit on
the next and one of the other pages, but like it used to be if he was out of the country on an oil
rig, his mother, father, brother, sister, uncle all died in a horrific accident. He was a scammer.
They've gotten smarter. They know that we know that bio. And so I will talk about it later,
but you'll know a scammer because they won't get on a video with you. Like it's really easy.
Because when I start to talk to you, what do you say in your bio versus those first few text
messages? Then the video, if you keep your information limited until the video date,
the scammer will be, he will be bored because you're not going to move at the pace he wants to.
So he will disengage. Now I can be snarky and fun. Like if I'm bored and I can tell I got a
total scammer. Cause he's like, Hey, beautiful. You're amazing. And I just think we would make
such great children together. And I love Jesus too. And he's going all in and I'm like, okay.
I'm like, Oh my gosh, that's so amazing. We want the same things. And like, I'll totally play into
it. And then he'll say something. I'm like, Oh my gosh. Yes. Can we do a video right now? And then
God, like they're gone. And I'm like, yeah, that's what I thought. I only do that when I'm
bored and I just want to have fun. Okay. Now there might be people out there that I call not safe
people. I would call a not safe person, someone who's not heart healthy. Those are going to be
the ones I really want you to pay attention to. And those are going to be the ones, what you say
in your profile, what you say in a text, what you say in a video. And if in your first dates
will help you spot unsafe people before you fall in love with them. Okay. Cause y'all like we can
fall, what I call digital in love. Like it's not just for teenagers anymore. Like I've seen plenty
of women in this community, myself included, we get all gaga on digital. And then the first date
never happens. Or you go on the first date and you're like, wah, wah, wah. And you're like,
what just happened there? So a digital connection is not the same thing as a real life connection.
So you will, you are God defended now. You are healthier. Some unsafe people are going to try
to slip on in just like the enemy did with Adam and Eve, but you're going to be smart and you're
going to, you're going to kind of follow the rules. Okay. The third thing, so safety first,
scammers and catfishers, not safe people. But here's what I, here's the person I want you to
give a chance to. And Jackie goes on and on about this. Try not to weed out the guy you don't
immediately swoon over. Okay. Cause I don't know about you, but we all probably have a type,
right? We all got a type, just like men have a type. Like we give men a hard time for having a
type. Ladies, we have a type too. And if we keep picking our exact same type, then we're going to
potentially get the exact same results that we've always gotten. So if you had a height minimum,
maximum bump it up two inches in both directions. If you're like, I can only handle a guy who's like
a little bit bald or only two years older than me, or only 20 pounds overweight, not 30 pounds
overweight. Like whatever you thought your parameter was on height, weight, education,
career, distance. I'm going to ask you to go out two more inches and just be open to somebody
outside your typical parameter. You know what your parameters are. So that's what I'm just
going to encourage you to do is go outside. Okay. So now let's talk about your profile. Again,
write down all your questions. If you're like, I want to ask a question about that, write it down.
I may get to it in the presentation, but I really want to leave a lot of room tonight
to answer all your questions. Okay. Picking your.
your profile, pick your best photos, ladies.
And photos, and we'll talk a little bit about them.
So here's four things you need for your good profile,
four things.
And what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna give you
the four things now, and then we're gonna break them down.
So first thing, number one, pick your best photos, okay?
Number two, be positive.
How many of you read profiles where men are so negative?
They're like, I don't want drama.
I don't want women who are smokers,
women who are 420 friendly, women who are this,
women who are that.
Y'all, he could be the hottest guy in the planet,
but I'm like, like, I don't care what they don't want.
I wanna know what they want.
And so be positive.
Don't also write this either.
I hate online dating.
I can't believe I'm on here again.
Don't waste up your character space bemoaning it.
We all hate online dating.
We all hate that we're back on here,
and we're all not single.
I mean, we're all not married in happy, healthy marriage,
having happy, healthy, holy sex.
Like we all wish that's where we were.
We're not yet.
So let's not waste our character space
on complaining about that.
Number three, do not overshare.
In fact, don't overshare at any point in this.
Don't overshare in your profile.
Don't overshare when you text.
Don't overshare on the phone, even when he seems amazing.
Don't overshare on the video
when you've been on the video too long,
and don't overshare on your first and second date.
And I say this, especially to my codependents in the room,
that would be myself.
If you have been involved in a 12-step program,
I have, in 12-steps meetings,
you go very deep, very fast, and you vomit yourself.
I went on a video date with a guy
who has only ever dated women in 12-steps.
So in our first date, I learned more things about him
than was even remotely appropriate
for the first six months of our dating,
let alone the first date.
But all he knows is meeting women in 12-step meetings
where they vomit all of their deepest, darkest secrets.
This is not a 12-step meeting,
so do not vomit that stuff on there.
So do not overshare.
Number four, pay attention to the distance.
If you are really afraid of getting hurt or scammed,
or if you have a child custody,
so Jackie spoke about this in the Ask Jackie a few days ago,
because there was a couple where they've been dating,
but neither one of them can move, they're 500 miles away,
neither one of them can move because the parenting plan,
or really shouldn't.
And he was actually thinking about picking up and moving
and leaving his son.
And Jackie was like, no, don't do that.
Our kids need good dads.
If he's a good dad, he needs to stay in the story.
So if you have a child custody plan
and you cannot move or should not move,
and he's got children, you don't want him to move either.
So don't put a mile distance that you know you can never do.
Now, if you think, well, gosh, Renee,
I live in the middle of nowhere,
I'm gonna have to go wide.
Girl, then go wide.
I actually think my parameter is up to 250 miles
because you know what?
I don't have kids, I work remote.
If he's amazing, I'll move.
I mean, I'm not gonna just move for the heck of it,
but I'll consider it.
So sometimes guys don't realize how far apart we are,
because again, guys don't read the profile.
So they don't realize I'm from Nashville, Tennessee.
They're like, oh, I thought you were
in North Carolina with me.
I'm like, not Asheville, Nashville.
And so they're like, well, what do you think about that?
And I said, well, I work remote.
So if I will be willing to move for the right person,
some guys are willing to start talking to me.
Some guys are like, oh, I don't wanna do that.
I just wanna be local, which is totally fine.
I will say this, it is easier to date local.
It just is.
There's been a couple guys,
like I just had a video date with this guy last week
and he is in Missouri.
It's like a plane ride, you guys, it's a plane ride.
I talked all summer to this guy in California.
I mean, I talked to another guy five hours away.
It's just harder to date.
Jackie says the phrase, you have to be in it to win it.
The hardest part with online dating
is one of two things happens.
You either go all hot and heavy
and you're having like these five hour
like Zoom dates from bed and it's wonderful
and it's pillow talk, but like that digital relationship
gets in front of a real life dating relationship.
So it usually kind of gets exciting and then it implodes
or it stalls.
And I would say my last two long distance relationships
just stalled.
And one or both of us got tired of waiting
and it's like, he couldn't make it.
is the kids and whatever.
And like eight weeks in, I'm like, ah, I'm done.
Like I'm done talking to my computer.
Like I just can't do it anymore.
So really pay attention to distance and think about that.
So strong, so your profile, pick your best photos,
be positive, don't overshare, consider the distance.
So let's talk about your photos, girls.
All right, by the way, we're gonna get to a,
no, I'm gonna save it, getting ahead of myself.
Okay, no pictures more than two years old.
So guess what I realized I needed to do?
I've been in this program two years.
I'm like, hmm, I might need to do an audit of my photos.
Like, do I still look like that person?
Now you might be like, Renee, I look exactly the same.
I haven't changed.
Okay, if you have a friend that will tell you that
and confirm that, not you in the mirror,
like with the filter going on,
but if you have enough girlfriends that would say, yes,
you still look exactly like that.
And if the photo's three years old, then you rock it.
Make sure the photos show you.
Make sure that if you're in a group photo,
it's clear who she is.
I don't know about you guys,
but I can't tell you sometimes men show a group photo
and I'm like, I don't even know which one he is.
Because sometimes his photos look so different
in each of the photos, I can't even tell.
I'm like, this one's from 20 years ago,
this one from five years ago.
Who is the guy in this photo?
Don't know.
Make sure you have one good headshot
and one good body shot.
So back to my profile.
Body shot.
The very next photo,
more closeup,
and then boom, very closeup.
My hair, I wear curly and straight.
So I made tried photos with my hair curly and straight
because there's some guys are really weird about that.
Like they really only like straight hair and I've done this.
And then all of a sudden I showed up on a video date
with my hair curly and they're like,
oh, I thought your hair was straight.
Okay, because you're gonna get it both ways, dudes.
So I make sure however I wear my hair,
I have photos that match that.
So if you're the gal that likes to wear your hair
a bunch of ways, make sure you showcase
all the looks of you that are fabulous.
If you have a professional shot,
because for whatever reason you got one done,
just make sure you have some candids in there too.
And always try to show photos.
Like you guys, I'm kind of like funny.
Like I'm in an elf costume.
There's nothing attractive about that photo, but it's silly.
And I'm kind of silly.
So pick photos doing the thing that you love to do
or that showcase your personality.
If you're gonna have a photo with you having a hat on
or with sunglasses, make sure it's just one of those photos.
Make sure it's not a bunch of photos.
When I teach this to the men,
I just taught this to the men two weeks ago.
It was good.
Because I was like, no hats, dudes.
No hats and sunglasses.
Please no wife beater shirts in the bathroom.
Like, stop it.
Like, okay, so you squatted,
legs spread open where your thing is right there.
Like, no, don't look like a mugshot.
So I promise you, like, I go after it with the men.
One baseball hat, I can deal with it.
Like one baseball hat where he's looking sporty
and fun with sunglasses and a hat,
because he's fishing.
Okay, that makes sense.
I also have told the guys enough photos of the deer,
the fish and the car.
Okay, I'm in the South.
So maybe all of you not in the South,
you don't get those photos like I do.
But like, if you love to fish, put one.
Put one of those photos up.
Mm, mm, mm, mm, ladies.
Okay, so ladies, here's a few things.
If you are under 60 years old,
if you wanna rock the gray hair,
make sure it is a chic, well-coached hairstyle.
Gray hair, I hate the double standard.
Like, men look debonair in gray hair.
We look old.
We just do.
So if you're gonna wear hair that's gray,
you gotta rock it.
You have to make sure it's got good product in it,
it doesn't look wiry, that it's got a cute, chic cut.
And just be aware that some men
like really have an issue with gray hair.
Some men love it.
So if you're gonna rock the gray hair,
make sure that you are keeping it up
and the style is good for you.
Some makeup, but not too much makeup.
You wanna make sure, like, guys like an all-natural girl,
but they like a girl,
they wanna know that she can watch a football game with her
and that she can also go to a five-star restaurant with her.
So make sure you don't look like a tomboy
in all of the photos.
Not too much skin, ladies.
There are some folks, even in this community,
I've seen some of the.
the profile photos and I'm like,
like if you want a godly kingdom man
who's marriage-minded, mature and masculine,
and you want a covenant marriage,
then you show up in those photos
like a covenant kingdom wife.
Most godly men are gonna,
like the hot, the unhealthy men
will be drawn to that sexy photo of you.
And even a healthy guy might,
but is that really the heartstring we wanna pull
when we are first attracting him?
Is this brown cheeky bow wow?
No, you don't wanna do that.
Okay.
All right, that's it.
The next one is for just men.
So that's the photos.
So if I didn't answer your question about a photo,
jot that down.
So here's your bio.
I just read you my Facebook bio.
Here's what I made sure I did.
So it's KISS.
Keep it super simple.
KISS, that's the acronym, KISS.
Keep it super simple.
But say something.
Here's the things you wanna remember.
Stay in the present.
Tell us what your interests are and your hobbies.
And you can roll your faith in there.
Did you notice how I rolled my faith in?
I said I was a Christ follower,
but I didn't vomit like I'm in full-time ministry
and you need to be able to speak in tongues with me.
No, Jack has already warned us, men do faith differently.
And like we have really feminized
and hippied out at Jesus.
But if you have not read John Eldridge's book,
"'Wild at Heart," you need to read it
because men wanna be masculine
and the church has just really feminized men.
And we wonder why they're not in church right now.
That is why.
Stay in the present, interests, hobbies.
Talk about where you wanna go.
If you wanna write a book,
be thoughtful about mentioning kids and grandchildren.
I did not realize this,
but there are some of you single mamas
that don't wanna mention your children at all.
I will say this, as a single woman,
I really do need to know if the guy I'm talking to
has kids in the ages of those kids.
I don't need to know exact ages,
but if I say, if a guy says, I'm a dad of grown children,
I'm a dad of teenagers, I'm a dad of toddlers,
that's enough information for me to know,
because I'll tell you what,
I will rock being a step-mom or a bonus mom
to a tween, teen, or young adult.
I am getting a little too old.
Like God himself is gonna have to come down
with some tablets for me to take on a baby or a toddler.
And so for me, I wouldn't even wanna start talking
to a guy with a toddler.
So I know some people are like,
oh, I'm not gonna even mention I have kids
until like date number six.
I don't know.
That feels really weird to me,
to withhold a very key piece of information.
Now, I know you guys wanna be safe.
So you can just say, I have young children.
Keep it at that.
I've got teenagers, young children,
let people decide what young children means.
I don't know.
Grandchildren, I did not know this,
but the men were like,
oh, the minute women say grandchildren,
they just think grandma.
And grandma doesn't sound useful, youthful.
So it's okay that you're a grandmother,
but you may not wanna mention
you have grandchildren in your profile.
You may wanna mention it on a date, on the video date,
but maybe not in your profile.
You can say, I've got grown kids.
Don't mention.
So you don't have to disclose everything in the profile.
Let's see.
All right, I've already done that.
Okay, so your bio is photos,
and it's a great short summary.
If like, I think it's Hinge.
Hinge lets you do an audio.
It's really kind of interesting.
If they allow you to put up six photos, put up six photos.
If they allow you to put up an audio, put up an audio.
They allow you to put up a video, put up a video.
If they ask some cute teaser questions,
answer the cute teaser questions.
Fill in as much as possible.
You guys, when I get matched up with somebody on Facebook
and he filled in nothing, yeah.
Like if you didn't even have time to fill out a profile,
tell me anything about you,
I don't have time for you, moving on.
So try to maximize it.
And there's been a couple of guys on Hinge
that I wasn't sure if I thought were attractive,
but then I listened to their audio
and not only did I love their answer,
but I loved the sound of their voice.
I was like, ooh, that's a nicer voice
than I thought it would be.
And so I'm like, I'm intrigued.
I might wanna talk to this guy.
Now he still might be a ding dong,
but I'm gonna give him a second pass.
And so somebody might feel the same way about you.
So fill in as much as you could.
So that's your profile.
Now I wanna talk to you about going to get the dudes,
going to pick the right dudes.
I've already told you, try not to be on more than two sites at the same time.
If you have to start with one, start with one.
Facebook is an easy one to start with because it's free.
Plenty of fish is free.
In fact, I'm on Hinge Free now, because Rebecca, who does all of them, my friend in our community,
she was like, oh, never pay for Hinge.
You don't have to pay for Hinge.
And I thought you did.
But guess what?
I stopped paying for it a month ago, and I'm still getting matched up with people.
Now, the only downside is I have to decide on a guy if I get liked before I can see the
next guy.
So there is some limitations.
You're not as high up in the search.
But anyway, just letting you know about that.
Okay.
So I already talked about this.
Okay.
Really pay attention to your God-given deal breakers, not the counterfeit, right?
So you've all done the thing.
You've all done the hard work.
You know the difference between your counterfeit lies, counterfeit lives, deal breakers that
you had to make you feel safe, make you feel comfortable.
And then you've also determined what your God-given deal breakers are.
Now, for me, a believer is a deal breaker, right?
It is probably for you too.
I am learning less to pay attention.
You know how Jackie always says, be a fruit inspector, not a gift inspector.
So I'm the first one to admit I was guilty of, what's your church attendance?
Are you in a life group?
And do you tithe?
And all the things.
But we've all dated guys who can check off all those boxes, but don't have a heart that's
running after Jesus.
I also don't open my first sentence, oh, are you running after Jesus?
And will you run after Jesus with me?
Now he might, and that's okay.
And I will say I'm very attracted to profiles.
I will give almost a second, a chance to any guy who I would have not thought was attractive.
He's already liked me.
And but his bio mentions a strong faith in Jesus and his activity.
That is going to pique my interest because a lot of times they click Christian, but that
don't mean nothing.
Just because he clicked Christian, don't assume that he is.
Just because he didn't click Christian doesn't mean he's not.
Now there's plenty of guys, and I know Jackie has talked about how the fact there are some
men that don't click Christian on purpose.
I will say for me, nine out of 10 times, if he doesn't click Christian, I have not found
him to be a Christian.
So for me, I don't swipe on the guys that don't bring it up.
You do you, if you're willing to wade through that, you do that.
Okay.
So really know what your deal breakers are.
I've already told you to expand your parameters.
And I also want to say, women go to me like, I don't have time to treat it like a job.
So I personally only look at the profiles of men who have already liked me first.
I don't, I don't swipe and waste my time because, you know, you guys like I'm four foot 11.
I've got a very ethnic look.
I've got a big Italian nose.
Like I've got a gymnast body on its best day.
It's very muscular on.
It's not so best day.
It's short and muscular, which, you know, if a guy likes a tall, thin blonde girl, I'm
not his girl.
I'm not his girl.
Like, right.
So I don't want to get all excited about some guy that I'm attracted to and worry that he's
not attracted to me.
So like on Facebook dating, just so you guys can see it, there's a section that says liked
you.
And there's a bunch of dudes like this guy right here, like the, and it's like, they
know, they show you a hot guy right here and you're like, Oh, I need to keep paying attention.
I don't pay attention.
I literally only go to the button that says liked me and I go, Oh, look at that.
Now here, look at farm farm.
I need it.
I would be so pleased to get acquainted with you.
I'm in the South.
Like you might think that's a scammer, but that's a Southern gentleman right there.
And you know what?
I might want to match up with him just to match him with the girl in our program who
rides horses.
Cause there's horses in his profile.
Look at, um, I mean, it's just a sweet one.
Facebook does make you decide on somebody yes or no before you can see the next one.
So I only look at guys now that liked me first.
The other thing I do look at here is all the guys that have matched up with me, meaning
they liked me first.
I liked them back, but they haven't started talking to me yet.
I wait for them to talk to me.
That's me.
If you want to drop the hanky and somebody asked earlier, how do you drop the hanky on
a profile?
It's really easy.
All you have to say is, Hey Mark, I really enjoyed reading your profile.
I like water skiing too.
I like.
like fishing too.
I like to read books too.
Find one thing they said that you like as well.
Or like, oh my gosh, you live near a lake.
I love being near a lake.
Or, oh my gosh, you're from Huntsville, Alabama.
I have an aunt from Huntsville, Alabama.
How cool is that?
Like find one thing about them.
So don't just say, I really liked your profile.
I'd love to talk to you.
That's not gonna win them over.
I mean, it might, but it usually doesn't.
So you wanna say, hey, Mark,
it was great reading your profile.
It looks like we have a lot of activities
and interests in common, especially dart throwing.
I'd love to get a chance to talk to you sometime.
And then that's it.
Hankey is dropped and you let it be.
And ladies, if he doesn't like your photo,
if he doesn't respond,
like I can't tell you how many women in our community go,
he liked me, but then he didn't start talking to me.
Let it go.
Look, I can't even count how many men have liked me.
Look it, I'm not even gonna waste,
I'm not even gonna waste my time counting
cause I don't wanna make myself feel bad.
So I'm just gonna move on and only put my energy,
my focus in the people that are talking to me.
Now you guys, you've gotta let your ego go.
Nobody wanted to know why guys drop off more than me.
I am a justice girl.
I needed to know why.
I needed closure.
Guess what your closure is on online dating
when they stop talking to you.
Sometimes that is the only closure you get.
I wish there was more.
You guys, there was a guy,
now here's the funny,
cause if you're on more than one site,
you are gonna run into the same guy again.
And sometimes they don't notice it's you again.
So there was this one guy I got matched up with on,
say Hinge, I'll just say Hinge.
I personally think I look exactly like my photos.
And this guy wasn't even that cute.
In fact, he was kind of nerdy,
but I knew the church he went to.
I knew the pastor, like he was local.
So I was like, all right,
I'm gonna give the nerdy guy a chance.
We have our first video date pretty quickly
cause we'll talk about that.
And I looked really cute for this video date.
We are on the call three minutes
and I can already tell he has decided I'm a no-go
cause he was kind of a douche for the next 20 minutes.
I'm like, if you're gonna get somebody in the video,
at least be kind and be nice.
And so it ended after 20 minutes
and it didn't go anywhere.
Well, on Facebook, he finds me like six months later.
He matches up with me and I'm like,
I think this is the same guy.
So, oh my God, for shits and kickers,
I'm just gonna like see how far this goes.
Well, he realized when we started sharing our information,
something might've clicked.
Oh my gosh, that was the girl I was just talking to.
He's a godly man on the elder board.
So this is why you can't look at gifts
and you have to look at fruit.
Y'all, he deleted the conversation mid conversation
because he finally recognized I was the girl he didn't like.
And I thought, you douche,
like you could have at least like,
Carrie finished the conversation and said,
you know what, it looks like we want different things.
Like he could have just been kind, but he wasn't,
but he was already a jerk on the video date.
So why did I expect him to be a gentleman?
Here's the thing, you guys, that is gonna happen.
If you're going to get offended by every time a guy
goes to you, swipes left, cuts a conversation short,
says something inappropriate, is a little bit rude,
a little bit weird,
then you might wanna press pause on online dating
because you're gonna have to just let it.
There's a phrase that one of the women,
one of my friends, she's a writer and a speaker.
I want you to write this phrase down.
Duck's back, lion's heart.
So the idea is you've gotta let the negative stuff
about online dating slide off your back like a duck, right?
So a duck's got that nice slick back.
So just let that stuff go,
but you gotta have the lion's heart.
You wanna have a heart of a lion, right?
You wanna have the heart of a lion.
So I want you to let all the gunk go.
So obviously Jackie always teaches us
that when we are offended,
it's an opportunity for an upgrade for sure.
And if it's a real trigger, it's worth your time and energy.
But all of this dating, you guys,
whether it's single nation, 1822, online dating,
out in the real world dating,
you just think to yourself,
duck's back, lion's heart, let it go.
That has transformed me.
I can't even tell you the names of the guys
that I've talked to or that like that were jerks
or amazing or whatever.
I just, it would just be too much.
So.
I really, really want you to have that.
So that's how I keep it simple.
I only talk to guys that have liked me first
or make the first move.
So that's how I keep it super simple.
Like out of those dozens and dozens of guys
that have liked me,
there's only two that I'm talking to on this one
and like three on Hinge right now.
But you guys, a week ago, it was zero.
And all of a sudden within three days, it was like nine.
So that's how it can go.
It's like an ebb and flow.
It's an ebb and flow.
Oh yeah, if he says he's an atheist,
I'm always amazed at the guys who are agnostic and atheist,
but pick me.
And I'm like,
you saw the whole Jesus follower thing in my profile?
Like, I wasn't kidding about that.
Like it wasn't just the checkbox Christian.
I had one video, one guy swore he was a believer,
baptized, accepted Jesus as his savior.
I thought, oh my gosh, he's adorable.
Lives on a lake.
He's three hours away.
He's gonna be great.
And somewhere in our video dates,
he's like, we were talking about our faith.
He goes, oh no, I don't go to church, but you can do that.
I'll go out on the lake while you do your church thing.
And I'm like, I thought you were a believer.
I thought that like this.
He goes, oh yeah,
but like, I don't waste my time with that now.
I already know everything.
I'm like, you know everything.
I'm like, okay.
I said, do you go to the gym?
He goes, yeah.
I said, why do you go to the gym?
He goes, so I stay in shape.
I go, well, that's why you keep getting in the word.
And that's why you keep going to church.
So you stay in shape spiritually.
And he's like, oh, I hadn't thought about that.
And I was like, well, how's that sound for you?
He's like, I don't think that's me.
And I'm like,
and then we started talking about his girlfriends
and he would have like these two year,
three year relationships post-divorce with these women.
He called them partners.
He was from England.
He really was.
And I was like,
and I don't normally bring up the sex thing right away.
And we teach you guys that.
Don't bring up the sex stuff.
Look at, I got too much to tell you.
I gotta shut up.
But he brought up, I was like,
I think we're not gonna get,
I think we're not gonna be compatible.
And I was like, I'm thinking to myself,
this guy is not going abstinent for two years.
He's not going to Paris with them
and like all these old vacation trips
and they're staying in separate bedrooms.
I just don't believe it.
And I was not wrong.
And here's the odd thing, you guys.
So he dropped off the face of the earth.
He knew I was on my way to a mission trip
with Nicole Simone.
And he was like, oh, that's so great.
I think he went out to dinner with a friend who was like,
why are you going out with this Jesus girl?
Like, you're not Jesus girl.
And so he just stopped talking to me.
Although we are somehow Facebook friends.
I must agree to be Facebook friends with him.
And he likes all my Christian posts.
It just makes no sense.
Now, I think he's dating somebody.
You're like, oh my gosh, why didn't you block him?
Whatever.
Like, he doesn't seem like a bad guy.
He's just not my guy.
Okay.
Do not disclose your financial status
or your financial information.
You guys, like, don't say you live
in a 5,000 square foot house if you do.
Don't say you, like, you might not even say
you're the vice president of something.
Just say, oh, I work in healthcare.
I work in sales.
Like, when you're doing those early,
if you're doing those early texts,
if you're doing those early stuff,
you don't start disclosing stuff
that would give them any reason.
Okay.
Let's see.
First text message.
So this is getting the conversation going.
Getting the conversation going.
I've already told you to start swiping more
than you normally would.
You're gonna be kind.
You're gonna look for fruit.
All the good stuff.
First text messages.
People always say to me, how much information
do you give by text and how long do you text?
The how long do you text really depends
on how quickly you guys are both responding to each other.
Like right now, I'm in an all day,
all week continuing ed class.
I get online in the morning and I get online at night.
So there's gonna be a nine hour lag between me responding.
That is very different than when I'm just working from home
and I can be off and online all of the time.
So don't assume he's not gotten back to you
because he doesn't like you.
He actually might just have a job or his kids
and his phone's not with him.
Like, oh, shocker.
And so I always say, you text as long
as the conversation is flowing.
I usually never text with somebody longer than a week
before I expect it to move to a video date.
What do you say in the text?
I say, what's on your resume?
Anything you don't mind the entire world knowing.
So here is the information I will give you
in 30 seconds or less, what I'm willing to text.
Hey, I am, you know,
like, let me tell you a little bit more about me.
I grew up in a very Italian home.
If you picture my big fat Greek wedding,
that was my childhood.
I grew up in.
New England, I spent about eight years in California,
but I've been in Nashville for the last 20 years.
I started out in corporate America in healthcare,
and then I went into full-time church ministry,
and then I ran a women's health clinic for 20 years,
and now I do remote work.
I was a cheerleader, a cheerleading coach.
I love college sports.
I love having dinner with friends.
I'm a really great cook.
I love community theater.
I'm really active in my church.
I'm on the women's ministry team and the prayer team.
I have a life group that I really enjoy.
I enjoy books, and I'm a big junkie for personality tests
and board games and something else.
Boom.
Oh, I'm one of four kids.
Yes, I've not been married yet.
I don't have kids, but I've coached plenty,
so if you have kids, I'm totally okay with that.
There you go.
So I've just vomited to all of you
what I'm willing to text.
That's it.
I don't text feelings, thoughts, opinions, advice, beliefs.
So when I see people in our community go,
we started talking about sex.
I told him I wasn't gonna have sex outside of marriage.
Oh my gosh, that is not appropriate texting conversation.
Just stop, stop, stop, stop.
It is resume, public information only.
When they ask you really personal questions,
you guys do not be like teenagers.
I ran a pregnancy center.
I had kids coming in completely pregnant, so they had sex,
but I would have the two of them sitting in front of me,
and their communication skills with each other were so poor
because they had this kind of relationship
until they saw each other in person and then had sex.
So I'm like, okay, so you did the most intimate act forever,
and yet you two can't even sit in the same room
and talk to each other.
So you guys, let's not behave like teenagers.
Get off texting as quickly as possible.
So how do you get off texting and onto the video date?
When they start to ask you more personal questions,
because they're going to, you say,
wow, that's a great question.
I find texting too clunky for that.
I would love to hop over to a video date with you,
because did you know that 93% of communication
is tone, inflection, and body language?
So I wanna make sure when we unpack
these really complex questions,
we can see each other and we can hear each other.
I'm game for that.
Are you game for that?
Oh no, I wanna just keep texting.
Well, then I'm not gonna answer these questions.
I just don't think it's appropriate.
I'm willing for the conversation to end right there.
I've been told I was being ridiculous.
I was being a bitch.
I've had people just delete me.
Whatever, don't care.
A godly, marriage-minded, masculine, covenant man,
kingdom man is gonna want you to feel safe.
So if you say you wanna do a video date next,
he's gonna let you.
If you wanna see him in person, he's gonna let you.
He should want you to feel safe.
It is not about his comfort zone.
And you guys, when I did the training to the men,
they were blown away that I said this.
They're like, oh, but what if I'm not ready
to be on the video?
I'm like, I don't care.
You need to know that she needs to make sure
you are who you say you are.
You still look like the guy in the photos,
and she needs to see you and hear you
to make sure that you're not a jerk.
And so like, no, those are not appropriate phone call.
Now, some people might go,
oh, well, why can't you just get on the phone with him?
I still don't know who he is, you guys.
I want to see him on a video
before I start telling him personal stuff.
So the only way you are sure that he is not a scammer
and he is who he says he is.
Now, do not say that to him.
Do not say to him, because some women do this,
well, I need to get on a video date with you
because I need to make sure that you're not a catfisher.
Kim, you're laughing, right?
You know girls do this, right?
Men do it too.
I need to make sure you're not a catfisher.
No, don't say that.
Give him the answer I already told you.
That's a great question.
I just think it's a little clunky to do that by text.
I would love to move over to a quick 20-minute video.
You could even say it.
I'd love to book a 20-minute video date.
I usually, if the app allows, Facebook does,
for you to do a video date right in the app.
If it does not allow it, I give them my Zoom number
and I do a Zoom meeting.
Some people now, some guys will go,
well, you know, Renee, why can't you just do FaceTime
with your cell phone, your messenger?
I've not learned their last name yet.
They've not learned mine.
I don't want them to have my phone number
because you don't have to do much of a Google search
to find someone's home address with a cell phone number.
So safety first, you know, back to safety first.
I try to not do more than, if it's local,
I try not to do more than two to three video dates
before we book a live date.
If it's long distance, Jackie would say,
do not go longer than six weeks of video dates
before you book that live visit.
And now as somebody who has done
a lot of long distance dating,
I've now learned why it's important.
It's really easy for you to start turning
a one hour video day into a three hour video day.
And it's just so dreamy.
It's just so wonderful.
And you think because he's talking to you for three hours,
he's like so in love with you,
but he might just be bored and you're nice.
And he likes you, but not enough, okay?
So you wanna get from texting to video dates,
wanna do a couple of video dates, get in person.
Jackie's a big fan of not doing dinner dates
and coffee dates.
I do those all of the time,
but sometimes I take a coffee date
on a walking trail around town.
Okay.
On a video date, show up like it's a date.
All right, so I was at continuing net all day.
I look like crap.
I got caught in the rain, but I did my best for you guys.
I put a little bit of makeup on.
I got cute earrings on.
I got a cute little necklace on.
I at least flat ironed the front of my hair,
not the back, so you can't tell how bad it is.
And I have a light, a white light on me.
Look, I got this cute little artwork behind me.
So I'm purposely sitting here
because I want, this is kind of quirky, right?
It shows a little bit of my personality.
You want the light.
Ladies, face the light, face the light.
Ask any photographer,
that's how you hide all the wrinkles, face the light.
Like Kelly, is that Kelly?
Kelly Chancey?
Look at Kelly Chancey, man.
She's got light on her face, shining on her.
She's standing out.
Jessie, you are standing out.
You got light on your face.
Lynn, standing out.
Tanya, standing out.
Nicole, there's like a lot of shadow
hitting your face right now.
So it's harder to see your face.
Because usually when I see a shadow on someone's face,
it's because the light's behind them.
So you want to put the light in front of you.
Watch how different it looks.
I'm going to be less cute in a second, watch.
See how much harder it gets to be
when I like go away from it.
Like you can't quite see me.
So I did something even more magical though.
I have a ring of light.
So this is me without the ring of light.
So you're like, okay, Renee,
I don't have good lighting in my home.
Ring of light, now you can see me.
Okay, so you want to look hot on your dates,
on your video dates.
I already have told the men that women are turned off
when they show up on their video dates
in their little tank tops, sweaty hat,
and they're sitting on their bed.
And I'm like, mm-mm, we ain't pillow talking.
We're not pillow talking on our first video date.
So when he's sitting on the bed like this,
no, just no.
Is that how he would show up on a date?
No.
In fact, you guys, I even have a candle for you.
I have a burning candle and I even put perfume on
and you can't even smell me
because I wanted to treat it like a date.
Okay, so that's your date.
So again, keep those video dates an hour or shorter.
Do not start video dating.
And you guys, I taught this like a month ago.
And at the time I was talking to this hot guy
from our community and I was having
like three hour video dates.
I was not taking my own advice.
And you know what?
I got really hooked, but it fizzled.
It was one of those, woo, lump.
And so thankfully I at least kept my rule
of not vomiting my life story on him.
So thankfully there's no information I gave him
in those long video dates
that I feel like icky about now.
Okay, so anyway, video dates.
You wanna give them a reason to have another date with you.
You want them coming back for more
which is why you also want a live date.
Okay, so now you're on the live date.
If it's local, you should not have been texting
and talking for more than two to three weeks.
When I hear that girls have been texting,
some guy are talking on the phone for three months
and they still have not met in person.
Oh heck no.
And I wish I could say H-E-L-L no.
No, no.
If he is local within two to three weeks,
if you're all having a lot of great conversation,
you need to meet up.
You can grab coffee at Starbucks and go walk through town.
You can do putt-putt.
You can do zip lining.
You can do an escape game.
You can go dart boards, play pool, go bowling.
I don't know, go paddle boarding, go find something to do.
Or if you're gonna meet at a restaurant,
I try to find restaurants that like it's not super noisy,
it's not super crowded.
Like I have, I told you,
I've got like two or three restaurants
within two miles from me that I rotate.
If you want something higher end,
I've got a high-end place I go to.
If you want something more low-key.
like singer, songwriter, music. I've got a good place to go to. I make it as easy for
me as possible because he's the man. So you want it to be as easy for you as possible.
Do not offer to pay for the bill. No, no, no. You expect him to pay for the meal. Now,
if it's clear he is not helping pick up the thing, or if he starts to ask you to go Dutch,
then of course be prepared to do that. Do not offer to do that. We want men who are
chivalrous. They're going to take us out to dinner. Now, if he doesn't help pay for
the bill, then you've just learned a little bit something about him. Same way as you did
for the video, you're going to show up for your best first impression. Make sure your
phone is not glued to you. Give them good eye contact and smile. Keep your conversation
in the present. So if a guy says to me on a first date, so you're single and you've
never been married, why? I go, you know what? That's a really great question. And if we
get to know each other, I'd be happy to unpack that with you. But for now, I guess my short
answer is, um, you know what? There were plenty of times where I made great choices and there
were times that I didn't make great choices and I've definitely have learned a lot about
it and I'm really looking forward to finding my person. He, oh, I owe him no more explanation
than that. Then I expect to find out why he got divorced. So that also means you don't
get to find out why he got divorced on the first date. She cheated and please for the
love of God, stop them when they start vomiting about their ex-wife. Some, and this is how
like, oh, but Renee, oh yes, definitely let them open the door. Oh, let them open the
door. Yes. Now I will say this, let them open the door. But if he walks around to his side
of the car and he doesn't open your side of the car door, do not just stand there waiting
for him to get back out of the car and come around. Like that's just silly. He's, some
guys just don't know any better to do it. So let him open the door. But if he's not
doing it, well then don't just stand by the door waiting. You might as well just open
the door. Um, so it's not time to talk about, so here's how I stop men from vomiting their
life because sometimes men get so nervous, they just want to tell you everything. So
I'll just stop them. I'll go, you know what? I know you want to talk about that, but that's
really not good for a state conversation. We really want to focus tonight on us getting
to know who we are today and some things that we want to do in the future. So Jackie always
says keep it in the present, keep it in the present. So the only thing I ever want to
know ahead of time is how long ago he got divorced. I know for Jackie it didn't, I mean
her and David have a very romantic story. It is not always worked out for me that way.
Whenever I've dated a guy too soon out of his divorce or not yet divorced, it usually
his heart work and I'm usually going to be the one that's going to get hurt at some point.
So for me, this is just Renee. I don't like to jump the gun on a guy who's still technically
married or like just got divorced last week and the ink is not yet dry. That's for me,
you guys, but I think it's good information for you to know, but that's it. You don't
want to find out about their pornography addiction, the wife cheating on him, and just sometimes
if they start to, I will say this too, if a guy talks badly about his ex wife on the
first date, no matter how bad she was, I, that does not bode well for his character.
A good, godly healed, whole man is not going to crap on his ex wife. Like, and sometimes
I've literally had to do this. Swear to God. Cause me saying stop hasn't been enough. And
I've literally had to go stop, stop. She's not here. It is not fair for you to talk her
about like when she's not here to defend herself. Now, now there was one guy and I'm not proud
of this, but it was kind of funny. He was such a narcissist. He was bragging about how
she cheated on him. I couldn't stop this train wreck. Couldn't stop him. So he told me that
she'd cheat on him and he dragged the divorce out so he could try to squeeze as much money
out of her as possible to screw her over. And I'm like, but wait, you have young kids,
right? I go, yeah. She goes, yeah. I said, so you were willing to hurt your kids by dragging
out the divorce just so you could get, you know, more money out of her. He's like, well,
you don't understand. She was so awful to me and she would never have sex with me cause
she didn't like sex. And I was like, well, she must've liked sex cause she cheated on
you. So she just didn't like sex with you. I mean, such not a nice thing to say, but
he was, he was being such a jerk. And I tried every way from Sunday to get him to slow down
and he just wouldn't. And y'all like, I think he hugged me goodbye and wanted to go out
again. I don't know. I think the narcissist in him was actually turned on by my boldness
and made it even worse and creepy. Do not do that. Ladies, do not do that. That was
not nice. Um, so do not talk about the exes on the first date. Um, you can talk about
your past like, Oh my gosh.
In school, I was on the cheerleading team.
I loved archery.
I was really great in math.
My favorite subject in school was this.
I sang in the choir.
I was in West Side Story.
Those are the things about your past
that you can talk about.
Oh my gosh, I've been to Disneyland
and I've been at Turks and Caicos.
Those are the things about your past
that you can talk about.
You don't wanna talk about things like,
so I have an issue with codependency
and I get really attached
and I usually let narcissists walk all over me.
And I've got some daddy wounds
that I've just been figuring out
in this amazing heart work course.
And I found out about my counterfeit lies
and like, no, no.
If you don't know heart work language
and he's not in the program,
do not unpack heart work with him,
no matter how fabulous he is.
I don't care if he's a therapist.
I don't care if he's cute.
I don't care if he is a pastor.
You don't do that.
Okay, guide on the first date too.
If it's not something you would say
to a stranger at the grocery store,
it is not appropriate information for the first date.
So remember how I said those first text messages
is your resume.
That's those first video dates and those first live dates.
You really want it.
Here's how you know it's too much information.
If he ghosted you the next day,
would you feel like you told him too much information?
Does that make sense?
If you tell him something about your dad,
your sister, your brother, your mother,
your job, your income, your weight, your height,
I don't know.
If there's anything you share,
and if the next morning you never hear from him again,
if you feel like you had emotional hangover
and you told him too much information,
then you probably told him too much information so soon.
He has not earned the right to hear it.
So that's always my litmus test.
So even though I escaped that two week,
amazing like hot guy in this community talking to me,
and we probably talked way too long,
I reflected back on the content and I was like, I'm good.
Like there's no information I told him.
Now I'm a writer and a speaker,
so I vomit a lot about my life
way more than the average person does,
but it's all stuff that I'm long keeled from.
And it's like, it's not a thing anymore.
And it's stuff that I don't mind just anybody knowing about.
Those are the live dates.
If the date is over and you're like,
I wanna see this guy again.
So here's what I learned how to do at the end of the date.
He hopefully walks you to the car.
If he's a gentleman, he will.
You say, Mark, I had a really great time tonight.
I would love to see you again.
I'm not sure if you feel the same way.
And if you don't, I just wanted you to know
I had a great time and I wish you the very best.
But if you think about it and you'd like to see me,
I just wanted you to know, I'd love to see you again.
Such a great time meeting you.
I turn and go get in my car.
So if he wasn't thinking about dating me,
like he doesn't have to have a long explanation,
but he does not leave that parking lot
in doubt about where I stand, okay?
Now, if he, because there's nothing worse
than you both leaving the date going,
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
I think he did.
Now, if it's going really well and he's really confident,
he's booking the next date.
So if you don't wanna go out with him,
now, Jackie always says it's a yes until it's a no.
So unless he's a complete douchebag
or really creepy or unkempt,
I try to give everybody a second chance.
So a nice guy deserves a second chance.
So if he says, I had a really great time tonight.
Would you be willing to go out with me again?
Here's what I do, especially if I was bored to pieces.
He was a nice guy, but I was bored.
I say, you know what?
Sure, let's try another date.
What would you like to do?
What would be fun for you?
And if he says, I don't know,
I like to golf or I like to fish.
Even if I absolutely can't stand it,
I'm gonna let him pick the next date,
doing the thing he's the most comfortable and happy doing,
because that's gonna be his best shot at success.
So if he was kind of nerdy, kind of talk too much,
kind of quiet too much, kind of boring,
maybe we picked a date that was good for me,
but not good for him.
So I'm gonna give him one more chance
to do a date in his favorite environment,
even if it's not my favorite environment.
So that's what I'm willing to do.
If I'm not interested in another date
and there's no way in heck it's gonna happen
and he bombs me with it in that parking lot thing,
I'll just say, you know what?
I really had a great time with you tonight.
You seem like a really great person.
I don't think I wanna pursue anything else though.
Thank you so much for asking.
That was very kind.
of you.
And then I turn and go before he's mortified.
So this way you are kind in the know.
So it is okay.
And you're like, well, what do you use as your excuse?
You don't need it.
It's one date.
You guys, you owe him no explanation on why, because guess what, if a guy doesn't want
to see you again, this is going to be their answer.
Like, I don't know.
I just didn't feel it.
Like for most guys, it's a chemistry thing.
It's a, it's not just a look thing.
It's like that whole chemistry thing.
And if you ask a guy, well, why don't you want to see me again?
He's not going to have a good answer.
I promise you.
I wish they would.
There's no, they don't have good answers, whether you've been out on one date with them
or five dates with them, but I need closure.
I suck at closure.
They just have no good answer.
So I promise you there's nothing that, so there's no magical thing he's going to say
that's going to make it like, oh, well now that makes sense.
I'm so glad I asked that question.
So just let it go.
Or when he says me too, let's yeah.
What if he says me too, then says, let's touch base.
I always say, if I trust him, if I want to see him again, you know what?
Well now that I've met you, I would love to give you my phone number.
Here's my phone number.
So now that's when I released my phone number after that first date, that's when I released
my phone number.
You know what?
I would love to see you too.
Here's my number.
You know how to reach me.
And then I let them book the date.
I do not book that next date.
Don't do it.
Because I've already not left him guessing.
I've already told him I want to see him again.
If he says, yeah, me too, then I'll say, hey, do you want my number?
Now if he says no, I'll just find you on the app.
That's a good indication.
He really doesn't want to see me again.
But if he really wants to see me again, he's getting my phone number, right?
And he's booking the next date.
Now once I've given him my phone number, I don't necessarily have his.
I like that because, you know, I might get desperate one night and actually start texting
him or calling him like, now I've got to tell him I got home safely and tell him I had a
great time.
I already told him I had a great time.
I don't need to tell him a second time I had a great time.
Now if he says, here's my number, please let me know that you got home safely.
Then I will say, hey, I just got home.
Thanks again.
Had a great time.
Look forward to seeing you again.
Leave it at that.
Is this kind of helping?
So be direct, but kind, right?
Speak the truth and love.
Be direct.
I teach this in Boundaries next week, but my other famous statement is children explain,
adults make statements.
And so we'll learn that a little bit more in Boundaries next week.
But it's just this idea in the beginning, if you want to go out, you tell me you want
to go out.
If you don't want to go out, you tell me you don't want to go out.
Does it sting?
Yeah.
Does it sting?
Yeah.
Is it better than like stringing somebody along?
I don't know about you, but I don't want to be strung along.
Like when a guy has decided he doesn't want to see me in person or he doesn't want to
keep talking to me.
Does it sting a little bit?
Yes.
Is my ego bruised a little bit?
Sure it is.
But then I get past it.
But guess what I haven't done in two years since I've been in this program, I have not
wasted one night's sleep worrying about what a guy thinks of me.
And you know what you guys, there's no more freedom than that.
Like I know if he is into me and I know if he's not.
And if I don't know, I no longer care.
He doesn't, he doesn't, he hasn't earned my lack of sleep.
So that is really, okay, level, I really want to say this and I want to take any questions
that you have for the last 15 minutes.
Okay.
Level two.
Jackie talks about level two dating.
So level one is you and I just getting to know each other.
You and I can even do level two.
Like where is she?
Tanya on here.
She's in Nashville.
The other Tanya.
Um, she's like, Hey Renee, can we go out for coffee?
Hey, Tanya wants to do level two with me because it's not going to be romantic.
It's just going to be discovery.
I do level two with single city Nashville people all the time.
I'm deciding if I want to be friends with them.
Now there are plenty of people I meet in single city Nashville, like it's fine for these events,
but like they're not going to become my people.
That's okay.
So like we're doing a little level two dating, right?
So level two is platonic getting to know each other discovery.
I always encourage people to not just have sexual boundaries, but to have intimacy boundaries.
Again it's back to don't start vomiting all your therapy information on them in those
first early dates.
Now when does level two turn into level three exclusive?
When you guys, I mean, Jackie actually said it in Ask Jackie, he takes the lead on that.
Um, is it weird for you guys to be dating multiple people in level two?
I don't know.
It's weird for me too.
I try to, I mean, you don't owe them an explanation.
If a guy says, well, are you talking to other people?
You can say, you know what, in this discovery phase, yeah, I am talking to other people.
But obviously if it becomes clear that I have a mutual attraction and interest in somebody,
I would hope that we would both have that conversation and press pause on dating other
people.
That's the phrase.
I say, press pause on talking to other people,
because that sounds less committed
than we're about to go in level three,
committed dating relationship.
So Jackie doesn't talk about it,
but a lot of us in the community on the down low
talk about 2A and 2B.
2A is when you're just doing that discovery dating,
and you're probably talking to a bunch of different guys.
2B is you're kind of hoping he's narrowing it down
to just you and you'd like to narrow it down to just him,
but you're not ready to have the big marriage conversation.
So you might say, gosh, I would love to kind of press pause
on you talking to other girls right now.
How do you feel about that?
Oh, Renee, I would love for you to press pause too.
Yeah, right, discovery and press pause.
Press pause seems less like, can we be exclusive?
Like it sounds less threatening, right?
Press pause is like, pause.
It doesn't sound so in your face.
I will say this,
unlike the example that I gave you
when I was very mean to the douchey dude,
I always try to leave people better than I received them.
And so I'm always gonna kill him with kindness.
If a guy is a jerk, I used to think,
especially if they're believers,
I used to think it was my job to teach them
how to treat a woman so that he doesn't treat
the next woman the same way.
So I would say, as a sister in Christ,
the way that you treated me was very unkind.
I hope the next time you talk to another sister in Christ,
you don't do that.
He don't know me.
He's already decided he doesn't wanna date me.
So he already has decided he doesn't need my information
or my help.
So I've seen women who feel like they need
to have the last word, whether it's in the texting phase,
the video day, or the dating date,
they feel like I'm gonna have the last word.
Now, granted, if you have a long-term,
level three relationship, like I did with my guy in Simbis,
yeah, I gave him a lot of feedback for him to consider
before he pursued another woman.
But we had spent six months together
and we talked about getting married.
That's very different than those early conversations.
Let me just say very quickly about 1822 and Single Nation.
Single Nation, Jackie has created a Facebook presence
and an Instagram presence.
You can fill out, she lets women in more slowly
than the men because she's trying to keep it 50-50,
men and women on the site.
And so for the men, for Single Nation,
she just makes sure that he is a real guy.
She does a discovery call with every guy
that she lets into Single Nation.
She does not check his health, his, you know what I'm saying?
Like they don't all, so in Single Nation,
these are not guys that have necessarily
gone through heart work.
She's not saying they're healthy.
She's not saying that they're, you know,
she has done a discovery call with them.
She's at least vetted them a little bit.
So do not assume that Single Nation guys
are gonna be more gallant, more godly,
more marriage-minded, we don't know.
They are more vetted than the regular dating,
online dating population.
So I would say proceed with caution
and Single Nation, do not assume anything.
Just know that he's a real guy, that's it.
Now, 1822, just so you guys know,
there's only about a hundred guys in 1822.
They're the guys within Single Nation
who are also doing what we're doing.
They're doing heart work.
They're coming to a lot of the co-ed events
that you're gonna start to get invited to.
Those guys are doing, but even then, you guys,
you still don't know how much heart work
they're really doing.
Just like you all, can you all say
that you're all exactly doing the same amount of heart work?
No, there are some of you in the community
that haven't done anything.
I'm not saying you guys, because you're on.
Do you know what I'm saying?
But if you're watching in this replay,
there's at least 20 people
who haven't watched the video at all.
Just because he's in 1822, don't, again,
don't assume anything.
All of the stuff I just taught you tonight,
you want to employ the same level of growth in there.
Okay, I think I've vomited plenty on you,
and I want to take any questions that you have.
Suzanne, do you have a question,
or is your hand up for something else?
No, it was a question.
I'm sorry, I'm under construction.
That's why the video's off.
So I'm connecting with a guy.
I'm at that point where we've gone on a couple of dates.
We've obviously clearly, we've exchanged numbers.
I'm seeing a pretty inconsistency with his pattern,
almost to the point of like every three days.
Like this weekend, we went out Saturday night.
Amazing date.
I posted it.
Everybody saw it.
Text me yesterday.
And then I've kind of noticed like during the week,
he'll go a little bit.
I'm kind of, I'm thrown off.
And he did, in talking about online dating jokingly,
he was like, are you still on?
I said, yeah.
And he said he was too.
So I don't know, like how.
When you, when you're exchanging numbers and you're at that point, like how do you kind
of put the guidelines?
So here's what I, here's what I try to find out early in the, the texting, the video date
or the first date.
I usually try to find out where they are in the dating process.
So I kind of have a gauge on it.
So like that 18, 22 guy I talked to, I, my first clue should have been his divorce was
just final and he was just getting back out there on the dating scene.
Well, when the guys in our community see how many great women there are, they're like a
kid in the candy store.
They're like, oh my gosh, look at all these amazing women I get to go out on a date with.
So that's my first ding, ding, ding.
He's going to want to date a bit.
I've been in the program long enough.
If I meet Mr. Fabulous, I'm ready to shut my sights down and let's go.
And so I try to find out like, hey, how early are you in the dating process?
Like are you just kind of getting out there?
Like where would you like to go?
Like where do you see you wanting to go with relationships and dating in general in the
next year?
Where do you see yourself going with dating?
If he says to you, you know what, I've been out there, I just really want to find my person
or you know what, Christina, it was, you know, I'm just like, I'm just getting myself out
there and I'm just kind of dipping my toe in the water.
And that's explaining why he's being inconsistent because he's probably A, trying to pace himself
with you and not put all his eggs in one basket and rush it.
But so it might be either, I just need to not put all my eggs in this basket and rush
it and screw it up.
Or this is early for me in the dating process.
And so I would say if a guy's behavior is inconsistent, that is a good sign for you
to keep your options open and treat him the same way.
So match his energy.
Jackie always says match his energy and it's frustrating because when we have a really
good connection with somebody and you're like, oh my gosh, he's going to realize I'm amazing.
If he's not ready to settle down, it may not matter how amazing you are.
So to protect your heart, just don't always be so available.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Like make sure that you're not always answering the call or like if he's taking three days
to text you, I'm not saying play a game and take three days to respond.
Right.
That's my thing.
Yeah.
But maybe wait 30 minutes, maybe wait an hour.
Like do you know what I'm saying?
Make him wait a little bit.
And so if he wants to ask you out on a date, like it's so old fashioned, but I'm a big
believer if you want to go out with me by Friday or Saturday night, you're booking the
date by Wednesday.
I'm still old fashioned that way.
I don't accept last minute dates.
Are we allowed to get on 18, 18, 22 is just for the men.
You guys are just here for the women.
So 18, 22 is where David meets with the men alone.
We're in some version of bride school and we meet alone.
And then Jackie brings us all together for some co-ed stuff.
The co-ed prayer on Sunday night.
He said, she said his co-ed heart connect is co-ed.
A lot of the teachings are co-ed.
So as soon as you guys are done with this accelerator stuff, you're going to be thrown
into all of the stuff that's co-ed.
So hope that makes sense.
I will say this, guys are not good at coming to live stuff unless they know the chicks
are on.
And Oh, let me say this now, by the way, come to every co-ed thing, camera ready for the
love of God.
I can't tell you on a Saturday supernatural prayer, how many times 90% of you have your
camera off or you look like you just woke up.
Now you might go, but Renee, it's the same six guys that show up.
Maybe those six guys know your guy.
So you want to make sure you look camera ready for anything that's co-ed, please for the
love of God.
I keep saying this and women keep not listening to me.
So be cute at your best all the time.
You can have been worked out.
Like sometimes like I've been to the gym too.
So like I put my hair up, but I have some cute earrings in and I put just a little bit
of mascara and lip gloss on.
So I don't look like I just came out of the gym.
How do I handle getting bored with text convo?
Oh, I just, you, if I'm bored with the conversation, sometimes I'll just say, Hey, I feel like this
isn't turning into like, I'm done texting.
Like just say, here's how I cut the texting conversation off.
You know what?
I hate texting.
And so I'm not sure if you want to move to a video date, but that's where a video conversation,
I don't say date, video conversation.
For me, that would be the next natural step.
I have found it's easier to break it off after a video date.
Now if he's not interested in moving past the texting, well, I'm not.
really ready to text, well, then you know what,
I'm really done and I wish you the best.
So now sometimes if they're just annoying
and creepy and weird, I used to try to be polite
and close the loop all of the time,
but sometimes they're just weird and creepy
or they, like there's a couple of guys,
like it's been a week and I'm like, eh, I just close it.
So I used to try to close the loop,
but when you're just texting, if it's kind of going nowhere,
I might try to be plain and say like,
hey, I'm not really seeing this going anywhere.
So I wish you the, I go back to,
you seem like a really great guy,
I wish you the really best, Noel.
Sorry about that.
First of all, everything was so great
because I've done the long distance and all that.
So I really resonate with everything.
Plus I'm about a couple of years younger than me,
so I totally get it in single, never married.
But I wanted to ask, so last night,
I've been talking to two guys and they're in Pennsylvania,
which I'm a little hesitant
because I'm in Virginia Beach and they're long distance.
But one of the guys, they seem like strong Christians,
but one of them, I guess it was our first texting
back and forth on, and he just kind of threw up
a little bit about his ex-wife and all that.
So should I just shut it down?
But he's a worship leader, he's got his own business,
like he's very attractive.
Yeah, do not give them a pass on this.
They're all doing it.
They don't know any better.
So, and they think, and here's the thing,
they know women like to talk, right?
So no one's, they don't have a Jackie
telling them not to do that.
So I tried it, so here's what you can do is say,
I'm having so much fun talking to you,
but one of the things I'm learning in my community
that it's really not good for us to focus on our exes
in this early part of getting to know each other.
So can we both agree to kind of leave our exes
off limits for now?
Okay, awesome, thank you.
You bet.
Christina.
Hey, thanks so much for your time tonight, by the way.
Yeah, where's my question?
Okay, I have really, really relaxed
like my boundaries as far as guys that I'm willing to do.
I don't even call it a first date.
I call it a first meet just because I was one
of those people that had, okay, if you love Jesus
and all this all over their profile,
and I feel like I just scared people off.
So yeah, I'm like just suddenly-
No, girl, I'm sure I scared the first batch I dated too.
I mean, I showed up with my dossier and my notebook.
Yeah, like if you're on the worship team
and you're really involved in church,
anyway, all that.
So I don't do that anymore.
I just kind of like you, I just kind of roll in.
Yeah, I'm active at my church,
and I have Christian on the deal.
But like, is there a point where you like go too far
like dating just to date, like to check off
those seven boxes?
Isn't that using people?
Like, I went out with a guy last week
and I can pretty much tell he's not, he's spiritual.
Like he's got a good heart.
Like he's teachable,
but he's not really like a disciple of Christ.
I can see him being a really good friend.
Like, and we're actually meeting again tomorrow
for barbecue, but it's not,
it's not gonna go anywhere with this guy.
So-
It's not a hard and fast rule,
but Jackie would say if he's a good and decent man
and he checks off some of your boxes,
give him at least three dates as a chance.
Don't kill yourself.
Like some of the girls are like,
oh, but you're making me go on three dates with him.
No, if you're miserable, no, no one is making you do it.
But if you're having a nice time with him
and you're like, I think I'm ready to friend zone him.
She would say, give him three chances.
After the third chance, if it is clear he likes you,
but you don't like him, don't string him along.
Cause I don't know about you.
I wouldn't want to be strung along.
Yeah. Okay.
So if you're enjoying his company, give him three dates.
If after three dates, it is clear you don't like him,
but he's starting to like you,
you kind of need to be honest at that point.
Yeah. Okay.
There might be some guy you meet in this whole thing.
You're like, oh my gosh, he is so funny.
Like I want him to be my friend.
Then he gets to be your friend if you both feel the same.
But you guys, but you're going to have to ask,
you're going to have to have that conversation.
You're going to have to say, Tim, you seem amazing.
And I don't have enough guy friends in my life.
I really don't. I don't.
You can say, but if that is completely insulting to you,
or you're still hoping for it to be more,
I don't want to confuse you.
So you let him choose.
Okay. Yeah.
Cause I mean, we got along on Lord of the Rings
and we went and played a card game after we had brunch.
We had a great time, so I mean, and I would say those moments.
You guys, this is all about community matchmaking.
If you see good guys that maybe need a little makeover, they need a little
heartwork, say, you know what, I'm in a great dating community.
That's helped me so much.
There's a male version of it called 1822.
You just go to Jackie Dorman.com.
There's a link for the guys and it's a free Facebook page.
They can at least start in the, you know, how we started with the free challenge.
The guys get to stay in it a little bit longer for free, just cause it's guys.
And we want to try to keep them in, um, before they actually
have to join the program.
So if there's good guys out there, that's just not your guy.
He might be one of your sisters here, guy, or just send him to the community.
Um, and one last question, what is 1822?
Is that referred to a Bible verse or is that some kind of, it
pre it, um, refers to Proverbs 1822.
When a man finds a good wife, he finds a good thing.
Got it.
Thank you so much.
You bet.
Uh, Candace, am I saying your name?
Right?
Yes, you are very good.
Um, so a couple of my questions were, um, so I do not like to give out my phone
number, I have a Google phone number.
I, I still don't even like to give that out typically.
Um, I've just had really bad experiences.
So I just be on Facebook messenger typically.
Um, but, uh, but I'm willing to give it out.
But the ironic part is, is that my, when I call out my numbers, so it's the thing
it's, uh, it's how it's set up, but, um, my next thing was how about doing voice
recordings, because I've had people do voice recordings with me and go back and
forth, like Marco Polo or Voxer.
Um, no, like through Facebook messenger.
You can't wait.
I'm sorry.
That's not dating.
Like to me, that's just verbal texting.
Okay.
That's what I'm saying.
To me, a audio is just verbal texting.
It's still not having a face to face video to video conversation.
The reason why I don't like that is because he's not yet making time for you
guys.
Aren't making time for each other.
You're like ships passing in the night and that's not dating.
Like, do you know what I'm saying?
So yes, I mean, like I love Marco Polo.
Like there's a couple of girls in this community.
We're on different time zones.
So we Marco Polo each other all the time.
And, but we've also built a relationship with them, so I'm okay with you sending
audio, but I wouldn't treat it as anything more than just, all right, I'm going to
take these last three, Nicole, Christie, and Lynn, and then otherwise Jack is
going to kick my butt.
So I don't want to keep you on too long.
Nicole.
Hi.
Um, so this is my first kind of go about, um, with online dating and I'm finding
I'll get a lot of, I did like Facebook and hinge a lot of like, hi, Nicole.
And so I'll say, hi, how are you?
How's your day going?
And there's not a lot of questions.
I've got probably like 20 conversations and none of these men want to ask any
questions.
They don't want to get to know me.
Like, so what is the point?
Bless their hearts.
So frustrating.
I'm like trying, asking them questions and they're not reciprocating.
Yeah.
And so all I can tell you is you're going to get those and I just delete them and
move on.
I just, so usually what I'll say is, Hey, I can't tell if you actually want to get
to know me because you're not asking me any questions.
If you're still interested, please ask me some questions.
If not, it's totally okay.
I wish you the very best.
Sometimes they'll swing back around and go, Oh, okay.
I got to do something here.
I've got to ask her some more and they might, and they might, and it still might
suck and just say, you know, and then end it.
So I will just say, you're just getting back out there.
You're going to see it.
And I promise you, you will start finding and getting matched with men that will
talk to you.
So just move on.
Give them a chance.
Like, Hey, I can't tell again.
It's always about being direct.
I can't tell if you actually want to get to know me because you're not asking me
any questions.
Did you want to get to know me?
And if they don't respond, then you know, or if they're like, I don't know what to
ask you, then he's not my guy.
If he can't come up with any questions now, I'm sorry.
I'm not teaching you to date.
Okay.
And then I had one guy that like we moved to text.
Um, he was traveling and then he was like, we'll be in touch soon.
And then that was it.
Like nothing, just let it go.
Yeah.
Let it go, girl.
Now here's like, I might let it sit in my queue for a couple of weeks, but like
there's a guy that was supposedly talking to me on Friday and it's now what Monday
night.
Haven't I heard from him?
Just, I, I promise you, you're just starting.
I promise you, you will find guys who will talk to you.
Now, Nicole, your perfect example of the light
is behind you and I can't see you.
I know, my computer was dying,
I had better light downstairs.
I'm just letting you know,
so just make sure you don't do what you're doing right now
and you're doing it.
I will, I will actually put more effort into it.
No, no, no, no, it's just me, you don't need to.
But I'm being your gal here and I'm hooking you up.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
And by the way, you guys,
after Christine, Lynn, and I close up,
if you guys put questions in,
I've already been starting to answer dating online
and dating questions in there.
Some of the questions,
Bethany and I will say that's better for Jackie,
but if it's like these kind of little minutiae questions,
I just try to answer them right in your page for you.
Christine.
Hey Renee, hey everybody.
So two quick things.
One, I did go on my first face-to-face coffee date
and I was proud of myself because I was bold.
We actually only talked through the app and I met him.
He was local.
And honestly, I got a little anxious before
and was kind of even thinking, I hope he cancels,
but then I pushed through it, I prayed about it.
He was really nice.
I don't necessarily think he's a guy for me,
but I'm gonna go on a second date.
So I was excited about that.
But my question is like,
when you are on that quick first date,
how do you, as I was trying to politely end the date
and leave like after about 45 minutes,
it felt a little awkward.
So how do you politely,
cause I didn't want to be there too long
cause I thought, well,
maybe you want something else to talk about.
Yeah, so here's two things.
First, whenever I try to book that first date,
I always book end it.
I always tell him like,
hey, so if we're meeting at five o'clock,
oh, I'm so excited to meet with you.
Just so you know,
I've already got to do something at seven o'clock
with my mom or seven o'clock with my girlfriend.
I already agreed to help her do something.
I'm just making that up
because that's gonna give me an exit.
So like, oh my gosh, you know what?
It was so fun getting to talk to you.
I gotta go cause I already told you I was gonna go.
So I do try to book in my first video date
and my first date date in case it's not going well.
And I need an exit.
Even if it's like 45 minutes into the day
and you're like, I can't last one more second.
Just say, oh my gosh, Tom,
it's been so fun getting to know you.
I really have to get going, but thank you so much.
And then you just get up.
Okay, get off the blaze.
Rip the Band-Aid nicely.
Rachel, on your iPad,
you asked me a question about being overwhelmed.
I don't know if you got on late,
but I talk exactly about how to not get overwhelmed
with the matches.
So if you came on late,
go ahead back to the beginning of the video.
And I talk about that.
Lynn, you are our last caller for the night.
Okay.
I put this in the chat,
but I was curious about the 18-22
and the Super Bowl Saturdays and the Sunday nights.
So if a guy on there sees one of us
and is interested, what does he do about it?
Oh, it depends.
I mean, I will say this.
Some of the members-
I mean, is there a procedure that's-
No, here's the procedure for single nation and 18-22.
You go find them, you go DM them or they DM you.
That's it.
There's no formal-
They DM on Facebook, you mean?
They DM you on Facebook?
Okay, if he's in our community in 18-22,
it means he's on Facebook
because that's where all our communication's through.
So you can go find him on Facebook and private message him.
Or he's gonna go find you on Facebook
and private message you.
Now, remember with Facebook, with private messaging,
if you guys are not Facebook friends,
you have to go to the section that says message request.
It's not gonna show up in your regular feed.
So you have to remember to do that.
Single nation, if he's being spotlighted on single nation,
usually his Instagram handle is being highlighted
and you also go in and message him in a DM.
Now, I will say this, you guys,
the guys are not great at returning messages
and they complain the same thing about the women.
Like, oh my gosh, she didn't even say anything.
She didn't even let me know that she got my message.
Women do it too.
People don't know what to do sometimes
and they don't wanna respond.
So it goes on Facebook DM or Instagram?
If it's 1822, it means he's on Facebook.
So I would start there.
If you see him on single nation, he may only be on Instagram.
So you've got to message him there,
but just prepare that he may not respond.
That's all.
I'm gonna say is they all don't respond
just like all the women don't respond.
So that's how you drop the hanky in our community.
But that was a great question.
All right, you guys, who, yeah.
I keep having single nation guys try to friend request me
and I'm not taking friend requests.
Can you like in your next dating thing,
like, can you encourage them?
No, because you know what, Candice,
that's very personal for you.
There's a lot of people in this community
that like getting friends
because they believe in community matchmaking.
And so they're fine becoming friends with a lot of people.
So that's your boundary.
And I get that that's yours,
but there's a lot of people in this community
that like to become friends.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, I get that that's where you stand with it.
So just ignore those requests.
Just delete those requests.
Just know, now again, single nation
isn't necessarily people in our community, right?
These are just men that Jackie's done a discovery call with.
He is like the wild west.
So treat them like you would anybody else on Instagram.
So don't feel like these are like loved on godly men.
It's just treat them.
Anybody that reaches out to you from single nation,
treat just like you would anybody else online.
The only thing we know is that he's a real guy
and she's done a discovery call
to make sure he seems like a good guy,
but it's not the same thing as being
in our selected community doing hard work.
So, all right, you guys, I'm gonna pray this out.
Father God, thank you so much for being with us tonight.
Hopefully you're with us in all of this.
I ask that you put a hedge of protection on each woman here.
Father God, give her the space and grace
to be in this dating season.
Give her a special measure of wisdom and discernment
so she knows who to be talking to,
who not to be talking to.
Father God, an extra covering of that duck's back
that I talked about where she just won't take anything
personally that she won't be offended
if somebody doesn't talk to her
or just kind of ends it suddenly.
Because Father God, we know that every no
is getting her closer to her yes.
So we ask that you just prepare her heart,
her mind, her soul, her body, all of the things.
And we thank you right now in the name of Jesus
for the person you have been preparing
for each and every single one of us in Jesus' name, amen.
All right, you guys, go forth.
I will be on the page answering any questions if you need it.