Okay, so tonight's session is on boundaries.
I am Renee Rizzo.
I'm also the one who did online dating with you all.
And if you hear a little whining in the background, that's my dog wanting attention.
I'm really excited to talk about this topic because I feel like I've been talking about
boundaries for like 30 years.
And so if you have read the boundaries book, if you have done the boundaries and you're
like been there, done that, have the certificate.
I'm just going to ask you to just be willing to, you know, really stay in it today and
really listen to everything.
I might have some stuff you've already heard.
Maybe you'll hear it with fresh eyes and maybe you will hear something new.
I'm not going to lie.
You guys, I actually changed the content today.
I'm in, I'm in the middle of doing a level one trauma certification.
And I feel like the instructor who her teaching, the teaching is like world renowned.
And I feel like it has like undone me.
Is that a correct word?
I feel very undone right now.
And so I really had to pray about like, is there anything that's in this content that
needed to come out?
And so I actually took a few slides out.
I'm going to do lecture for like an hour I have a PowerPoint.
So make sure you've got a pen to take some really good notes.
I'm going to answer as hard of questions as you want.
And then I'm going to send you guys into a breakout room.
And I've come up with four questions for you to share with at least one other person.
We'll see how many people hop on if I put you in groups of two or in groups of three.
So we're going to go ahead and get started.
I know a lot of folks are going to be watching this on replay as well.
I know that everyone has a full life and not everyone can be here in the middle of
the week.
So I'm really honored when you all show up live.
I know it's not easy.
There's other things that you could be doing.
So we're going to do boundaries one, oh, actually, I'm just going to I'm going to stop sharing
for just a second.
I want to see more faces.
So many of you have your face hidden.
And so just make sure before the end of the hour, when we go into the breakout room, that
you take your camera and put it back on using your avatar hand.
How many have read boundaries or done some kind of work in boundaries?
And and so I'm just trying to see how much like this topic is completely new for folks
versus all right, this is good.
This is good.
So it's like only about a third of the folks.
All right.
So I'm going to you can go.
We can lower the avatar hands and I'm going to share the screen again and go right into
this.
OK, so boundaries one on one.
So the thing is, we all talk about boundaries.
I'm going to be moving my little grid up and around because it's going to always be in
the way for me.
People talk about boundaries and we're like, oh, I've got boundaries, I've got boundaries.
But sometimes when people talk about boundaries, they're not saying it from a place of health.
You know how Jackie has taught us that we have counterfeit lies that we're believing,
which produce counterfeit identities.
And from that, you also produce what I call boundaries that are built to protect that
counterfeit self in the same way that you need to learn what your God given deal breakers
are.
You need to better understand what your God given boundaries are.
So this is a way of kind of maybe shedding or looking at all of your boundaries and seeing
if they're coming from a place of fear or a place of health.
So a lot of times we talk about boundaries when we realize our life is unmanageable and
we are completely exhausted or overwhelmed.
Or if you're like me, you might be like this training junkie, like I'm constantly like
learning more about myself and how I can be healthier mind, body and spirit.
The third reason why people talk about boundaries is somebody else in your life has said you
have no boundaries or you're busting their boundaries.
And so you're like, Hey, maybe I need to look at my boundaries.
Now for some of you are single mamas, it might be coming from your children.
You might be either the too cool parent having no boundaries with your children, or you might
be helicopter parent and you're trying to protect and save them from everything.
So for whatever reason, wherever you are in this journey, I'm excited to have you here.
Let's see.
So the first place, believe it or not, that we see boundaries gone and muck happens actually
in the garden of Eden.
So you know, first Adam was given this territory.
Here is the garden.
You have access to everything.
The only thing you're not going to partake in is the tree of knowledge and the tree of
good and evil.
So that's it.
You can have everything else.
But this, and then of course he creates Eve to be his help mate.
And so I know we like to give Eve the bad rap like she's the reason why we have bad
periods.
She's the reason why we all fell.
But here's the thing you guys, it actually started with both of them together.
And so that original sin was them reaching for something that wasn't meant for them.
Maybe it wasn't meant for them at the time, maybe it was a yet, or maybe it was ever.
But at that time we had some innocence, you know, Adam and Eve are walking around naked,
you know, they were living in the land of milk and honey and life was pretty fabulous.
And at that point weren't experiencing anything dead or decaying.
So you know, if you really, really sink into scripture, I was kind of raised thinking Eve
was all alone having this convo with the serpent and Adam was faithfully serving somewhere
else and totally missed it.
And then she hopped over to him and like wooed him sexually into eating the apple.
And that's really not what scripture says.
You know, Adam evidently was right there next to her.
And so the first thing that happened is Adam didn't protect Eve's ears.
The second the serpent started tempting her, he missed the chance to protect her.
And then of course, so he and then later when he's confronted by God, he's like, oh, it's
her fault.
So he uses what we call one of the first boundary busters.
He blamed shifts with her.
Of course, Eve is not completely innocent.
She doesn't take God has it at his word.
And she began to doubt his goodness.
And in fact, she added commentary by the time she was confronted.
You know, she was like, oh, well, we can't eat it or touch it.
And that's not or look at it.
And that's not what God had said in the command.
And so she really didn't protect what was heard.
So this is the first time we see boundaries kind of going amok.
And at this point, Adam and Eve are no longer allowed in the garden.
So now that boundary, they have to live outside of that boundary.
So tonight, we're going to kind of unpack a little bit of what we call physical boundaries
and internal invisible boundaries.
You guys, I think we as we get older, we get really smart about the physical boundaries.
We are less good at reining in our internal boundaries, especially when it comes to intimacy
and even spirituality, especially the more evolved we get.
We have a hard time reining that in.
So we're going to kind of take a look at that.
Here's the thing.
Boundaries are not walls, but fences with gates.
You guys have probably heard this.
So boundaries aren't like this steel wall.
So a lot of times when people grew up with no boundaries, like none whatsoever, they
feel like to protect themselves, they need to put up the steel gate.
And we're going to say that, you know, I love this idea of fences with gates, which means
that it still is letting the good in and you're trying to leave the bad out.
Because obviously, if you're trying to leave the bad out and you've got this wall with
no fence, then nothing good is going to be able to come in.
It also allows you to have better relationships.
It provides stability and safety.
You have an increased sense of well-being.
You have better time management.
And my new best friend is capacity management.
I had a life coach teach this to me back in 2018.
And especially as a public speaker, I had to learn that my capacity was as important
as my time.
And some things that like, if I work on my financials for an hour versus a public speaking
gig for an hour, while I love public speaking, because I pour my heart and soul into it,
it definitely pulls more capacity out of me than when I'm just kind of running the books
in the background.
Here's the thing.
Even with the most perfect of boundaries, you're still going to face triggers.
You're still going to face conflict.
People are still going to try to get into your space.
It's not like this is a perfect roadmap.
And here's what I can tell you that I learned a lot, even in today's class that I took.
It actually takes some control to have healthy boundaries.
And so I feel like the world has gotten really big on using the word narcissist and control.
Like control is a dirty word and the truth in its healthiest format.
We need things in control.
We need leaders in control.
We need parents in control.
Jesus was certainly in control of his story and his walk and what he did and didn't do.
So we're going to kind of talk about what the extreme version of that, but I don't want
you to think that you don't need some control.
You do.
We are all adults and we control our destiny and we control how well we use our boundaries.
And so control doesn't have to be a dirty word.
Here's the thing.
Boundaries define and protect us.
They define who we are and who we're not.
They define what we own and what we don't own.
It defines what we like and what we don't like.
And it gives clarity on what's our responsibility
versus somebody else.
You guys, when you're dating,
especially if you date a guy who is not as healthy
and has done as much heartwork for you,
it's gonna be really hard for you to not wanna jump in
and help get him up to speed with you,
either spiritually or in therapy.
It is not your responsibility
to do someone else's boundary or therapy
or heart healing work for them.
Boundaries also protect,
it helps you know what's important to you
and what you hold value to.
And it's also gonna protect
where you give your time, talents, and resources.
So again, really pay attention to that.
In dating, a lot of times the focus on boundaries
is physical and sexual.
And I wanna make sure you are deciding
how much time you give somebody,
how much emotional energy you give somebody,
and how much of your personal story you're giving them.
So kind of be thinking about that
while I'm talking about this,
because obviously I don't have time to unpack boundaries
at work and with family and with children.
We're really gonna kind of focus on
the basic need for boundaries,
what your busters are and how to be healthy,
especially in dating and that early part of marriage.
Because of course, this is last year single.
So this is where we're heading.
So if we want an example
of who lived with healthy boundaries, Jesus.
Jesus lived with healthy boundaries.
Here's what I love about it.
Even though he was 100% human, he was also 100% God.
So if anybody could have worked outside his physical body,
it would have been him.
But I think he stayed in his human form
and did boundaries from an earthly perspective
so we would have a good model for us.
So we can't just say, well, he was God.
So of course he did that.
So the first thing he did was he met his personal needs.
And I mean, his basic needs for safety,
emotional wellbeing, food, shelter, clothing.
If you know that when he picked his friends
and he picked his inner circle,
he picked the women
that were gonna financially support him.
He had a whole network in place.
So he made sure all of his physical
and emotional and spiritual,
all of his basic needs were met.
He was willing to receive help from friends.
You guys, he was God.
So I'm sure he could have conjured up money.
He could have conjured up everything that he need.
Like, poof, we're in Galilee, there's my home.
We're in Jerusalem, poof, there's my home.
He allowed others to partner with him.
Here's the thing though.
Even though he was also fully God, he enjoyed solitude.
He always took time to go and rest and pray
and be with the Father.
He also knew how to live in the moment.
If anything, the clock was ticking.
Like the minute his baptism happened,
he knew his ministry time was on a short leash.
He knew when he was gonna die
and he knew how it was gonna happen.
And he could have been focused on that cross the whole time.
Like, I gotta get it done, I gotta get it done.
It's getting closer, it's getting closer.
But he always lived in the present.
He moved unhurried.
I don't know about y'all,
but if I knew I only had about three years
to get my main ministry done,
I would have been running around like a crazy woman.
And every time the disciples did some buffoon moment
and said something or did something,
I'd have been like, oh my gosh, Father,
like, can you give me a little bit more time?
Because these bozos are gonna blow it.
Like, they're like making mistakes left and right.
But he was never in a rush and he was never hurried.
And he released outcomes to God.
So I just added this today, he was in control.
I don't ever remember looking for a place in scripture
where Jesus was out of control,
even when he was flipping the tables, you guys.
If you read scripture, he actually took time
to create this, I forget what it's called,
but it was like that rod or that braid thing that he used.
Like, he did it out of righteous anger,
not out of chaotic rage.
So even when he was angry, he was still in control.
So you never remember a time where Jesus was out of control.
And so that's a good reminder to me,
because I'm Italian, I can feel all the feels
and we can get out of control pretty darn fast.
Here are things he did not do.
He never responded to demands, threats, or guilt trips,
not from other followers, not from his disciples,
not from the Pharisees and not from the Romans guards.
He never let somebody else manipulate him.
He never was abusive physically, verbally,
emotionally, or sexually.
He never behaved entitled.
You guys, he was the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
And if anybody could have behaved entitled,
it was him and he did not.
And he also did not fall for the bait of others, and he in turn did not manipulate people.
He always asked good questions with questions, he could have manipulated the stink out of
people around him because he was kind of a schmoozer right we all got this impression
that Jesus had a lot of je ne sais quoi.
And so, he really could have manipulated people but he did not he wanted people to choose
to follow him, and he did not operate with pride.
Okay, so if you're ever going what do good good boundaries look like go to the Gospels,
and look at how Jesus lived.
The other thing that he did was really helpful is he also had expectations of others so he
wasn't super codependent, he would actually ask people before they were going to get their
healing well, what do you want, what do you want to he would actually make them ask for
it, even though he's got he already knew what they wanted or needed and then he would ask
them another question.
Do you want to get well, how many of you guys I know people who actually don't want to get
better.
They are wet noodles, they are living in the land of victim, and as Jackie would say there's
no trophies for trauma and there is, you can't be victorious and a victim at the same time
but I know plenty of people, even, you know, around me that are touting their trophies
of trauma and they're enjoying their land victory and I would actually argue, they don't
want to get well they say they do, but nothing in the way that they're speaking or living
is showing me that they actually want to get well.
Even with this program you guys, Bethany and Jackie and myself and the other leaders, you
know we can offer you all of the tools to have a healthy last season of your singleness
have a healthy marriage, but you at the end of the day have to make your own choices and
we can't make you do any of it.
So how did Jesus teach us how to set boundaries.
He taught us that we need to have personal prayer time with the Father.
He also taught us that it was appropriate to speak the truth and love and you guys if
I see something bust our boundaries.
More than anything, it's from people afraid to speak the truth and love.
He told us he taught us to set priorities remember he said we cannot serve two masters.
He reminded us that it was important to please God and not people Jesus did not please those
around him a lot.
It means that no matter what the outcome is we have to trust and obey God.
And here's another one that was always hard for me to understand, is that he did not heal
every single person he came into contact with.
And I always wondered why, why didn't he just heal everybody in his wake and we don't know
all of the reasons why.
But one of the reasons could have been just this reminder to us that we cannot do it all.
So when you and I step outside of our boundaries and protect and fix somebody else that we
weren't meant to, or we do a task that the Lord didn't assign to us, we're actually robbing
the healing from somebody else or we're actually robbing the gift from somebody else.
So he knew when and where to lead and he knew when and where to leave.
And so that's what I like about him.
So where do our boundaries begin?
Our boundary development actually happens really in those first few years.
It is why they're doing so many studies that there is attachment disorders happening with
children that are born and raised in orphanages.
They're not getting that touch that they need in the first two years.
And so when they get adopted, they're having a hard time attaching to the parenting.
So that bonding is really happening in those first few years.
And it's where that child is having their safety needs first met.
First everybody needs physical safety.
They need emotional security.
They need financial security and they need consistency.
And at any time in their life that could be broken, either something happens to them that
shouldn't have happened or there was a hole, there was a gap and they didn't receive something
that they should have.
So when something like that happens, we have what we call boundary injuries.
And so what can that look like in real life?
So maybe you were raised in a way where it was like, when you're good, you were treated
well by your parents and so you felt loved.
When you were bad, you were punished and you were treated unloved.
So I'm not saying that parents shouldn't have consequences for good and bad choices, but
you have to watch the manner and intent that was done with it.
So many of us have a positive memory with our parent when we did something good, but
when we were punished, there's a lot of shame and guilt that goes with it.
And so it is okay for your child to have the consequences of unhealthy choices.
What's not okay is for them to feel unloved or unworthy or unvaluable, even in the midst
of their mistake.
So we really want to pay attention to that.
And you can have boundary busters if you have over-controlling parents and you
Guys, the way I saw this play out,
I think as I told many of you,
I ran a pregnancy center for 20 years
and the hardest clients to work with
were the ones where the parents kind of,
they were the over-controlling helicopter parents.
They made every choice for the child.
They bailed the child out of every mistake they ever made.
And so when this kid was finally making this big mistake,
like an unplanned pregnancy,
they did not have any of the skills
or the equipment with which to handle it.
So that's what can happen
with an over-controlling parent.
And then of course the opposite side of that
is the cool parent, the fun parent,
the parent with no limits.
And then of course there are parents who have inconsistent.
Now it can be inconsistent mother to father
and they're not on the same page
and the kids are seeing them not on the same page.
That can be very unhealthy for the child
or they have a parent that is in some kind of addiction.
So if the parent is sober, there's healthy boundaries.
If the parent is not sober, there are unhealthy boundaries
and the child just doesn't know which parent
they're gonna get on a given day.
As I meant, sometimes there is outside trauma.
You know, I was born with a birth defect, you guys,
and I was in the hospital from the age of two to 18
with surgeries.
That alone didn't cause the trauma,
but a lot of the way the hospital handled the surgery
and the recovery from that
created a lot of outside trauma for me.
That was nobody's fault.
It was just they did what they thought
was the right thing to do back then, but it created trauma.
And then finally, number six, somewhere in the family,
there is some sin.
It could be infidelity in the marriage.
It could be rage.
So even though the sin is between the parents
or involved the grandparent,
and we have to remember that there's the ripple effect down.
And so sin doesn't escape a lot of people.
We think that when you sin or I sin,
the only two people that are involved in the actual sin
are the ones that get hurt by it.
But we can all attest that we are on the receiving end
of the ripple effect of sin all around us.
And so even when we're getting it all right,
sometimes we're having issues there.
All right, so now I'm gonna go into three main areas
of boundary busters.
So these are the things that stop us
from having healthy boundaries.
I'm starting with the one that people have a hard time
believing is a boundary buster,
because in its healthy form, it's empathy.
Empathy is a good thing.
You and I should have empathy for one another.
There's a part of our soul that wants to nurture
and care for other people.
But when we grew up with unhealthy boundaries,
we took this natural God-given gift of empathy,
and it turns into codependency,
people-pleasing, and performance.
And so instead of feeling responsible to others
side-by-side, we start to feel responsible for everybody,
and we get what we call codependent.
Now, I read the book,
Codependent No More, Melody Beattie, a million years ago.
And so I kind of wore my codependency
with a badge of honor.
I was like, well, I'm not the addict.
I'm not the narcissist.
I'm the Cody.
I'm the one that loves everybody.
I put everybody else first.
And so I thought I was the healthier
of the codependent-addictive person or combination.
What I'm just learning is the codependent
is just a more covert form of control in its unhealthy state.
Now, remember we said Jesus showed healthy control.
As a boss, you need to be in control.
When you see a red light, you stop for the red light.
That's all of us operating in healthy control.
So I'm gonna start to look at what happens
with unhealthy control,
and it shows up in this most subtle way.
I dare say I am from the North,
and I now live in the South.
And a lot of my Southern friends
sit in this codependent, people-pleasing,
over-over version of, perverted version of empathy.
And we are here to fix, protect, rescue.
We carry other people's burdens.
We are often tired, anxious, fearful.
We are concerned with solutions and answers.
We want to be right.
We want to perform.
Here's the hardest word I ever heard
associated with codependency.
A pastor said this to me.
He said, Renee, you kind of manipulate people.
And I was like, no, I'm like, nice.
I'm like a pushover.
What are you talking about?
And he's like, yeah, codependent people are kind of subtle.
They overextend, overgive, over-fix somebody else
to the point that you feel like you're trying
to get a certain behavior and outcome back.
So you're kind of doing it.
for a purpose. And so that's when you know you've gone from just empathy to codependency
when you're expecting a certain outcome. An empathetic person is just going to serve and
give to their own capacity. And when they have nothing left to give, they're not going to give
beyond that. And they expect nothing in return. A codependent will give past their capacity.
They will overextend themselves. And then most of the time they will be upset if they are not thanked,
affirmed, or verbally loved in return. So that's how I know I'm being codependent. When I get like
my feathers in a ruffle, when I feel like I've not been honored for me being such a pushover
slave to everybody. When you are healthy, showing empathy, you encourage, you confront,
there's that phrase, confront. And we're going to talk about that in a little bit. You share,
you listen to hear and not respond. You are empathetic and yet you feel relaxed and free
and aware and reliable. You are relating to the another person with your own feelings while
allowing for their feelings. And at the end of the day, you expect the other people to be
responsible for themselves. You guys running a clinic, I had plenty of opportunity to be
codependent with my clients where I wanted to fix and do everything for them. Especially if they
were going to have this baby. I'm like, well, they're going to have this baby. I need to make
sure that they're going to be a good mom. And if they fall, I need to pick them back up. As hard as
it was, I learned how to be empathetic with my clients while allowing them to make their final
decisions. And you guys, this is really hard to do when the person that we're being codependent
with is somebody we love and care about. So it's really easy to stay in empathy versus codependency
when you're not as attached, but when you're in love with your child, maybe it's a family member
or it's the guy that you're dating right now, all of a sudden you can easily become codependent.
And you guys, especially for those of us doing the, you guys are now done with the heartwork and
your knee deep in you guys eat now, just so you're clear, the guys in single nation are just guys
that Jackie tried to make sure are real. 90% of them haven't done the heartwork and 10% of them
are just starting the heartwork. So they've done about this much work compared to your work. And so
you can become super Cody, myself included. When you start talking to a guy, you're like, Oh, I'm
going to help him kind of get up to me. I'm going to help him do his recovery for him. So this is
how it could show up. I call it covert control freak because it's more subtle. It looks nicer
and it looks prettier than the other side that we think is the bad guy. So controllers and
narcissists, and this is overt, abusive, strong, controlling, crazy behavior. Now, for some of you
who said to me last week in the online dating, Renee, how do we not attract a narcissist?
And I would say, don't be overly codependent. The overly codependent will like, it's like you
are like a magnet for the narcissist because he knows that he will be able to suck the life force
out of you. So you can't stop other people behaving as a narcissist. You can control
your own behavior. But here's the thing, you guys, we are not all innocent here. There are times
if we're honest with ourselves in some areas of our life, if we were codependent, it is possible
there's another area of our life, whether with our friends, our family, or coworkers, or in
another unhealthy relationship that we became the overt control freak. And it could have shown up
in one of two ways. The first one is a much more aggressive one. It's more obvious. You see them
coming in the room and they're the mover and their shaker. They don't listen to people. They tend to
run people over. They neglect their own responsibilities, ironically, because they
expect other people to pick up the slack for them, typically the codependence in their life.
And they don't accept others as they are. They're constantly trying to change them.
So I think you and I can spot that control person a mile away. My suspicion is with all the heart
work you've done, you're good. The other controller is the one that you and I need to be a little bit
more cautious of. And I dare say, maybe we can can turn into that. There's the manipulative
controller. It's a little bit more seductive. They woo and talk people into a yes. They persuade,
they schmooze, they indirectly manipulate the situation to stack the deck towards a yes.
So it's the art of seduction. So if he is super hot.
And he is wooing you with words and gifts and promises.
He might be trying to control you.
You guys, I'm really showing my age.
So back when I was in my early twenties, I saw this awful movie called nine and a half
weeks with Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke.
I mean, talk about the manipulative controller.
He wooed her into really horrific behavior.
And so when people talk about 50 shades of gray, I always say it's just nine and a half
weeks movie, like 25 years later.
And in both of those movies, you see a seduction, a manipulative control.
And so she's not getting scared or beaten into this, but he is, he is wooing these women
to make some really unhealthy choices.
Here's the thing though.
Remember, there are healthy controlling people in our life.
They are the pioneers.
They are founders of organizations.
They are the ones that are inventing like the new medicine, the new technology.
I dare say people would call Elon Musk a control freak, right?
He's an aggressive controller, but the world has also been a better place for it.
I would say that there's also a healthy level of narcissism.
People like very, very, very few people, if you ask a therapist, very few people are diagnosed
with the personality disorder, narcissism.
That is somebody who is at the extreme end of it.
They will not recognize their behavior.
They have no empathy and they have no desire to change.
All of us at times can show narcissistic tendencies.
I mean, I know, right?
Shock.
Okay.
But think about some of the positions you want them to have a little bit of narcissism.
The guy who's going to do surgery on my eyes, I want him to be a little narcissistic.
I want him to think he's a God with that blade when he's touching my eyes.
The guy that's doing open heart surgery, the police officer who's protecting you in like
a showdown, the firefighter who is trying to get you off the roof and save your life.
I bet you there are a bunch of people in the Trade Center who wanted those firefighters
to be a little narcissistic and have that hero complex thinking that they were going
to be able to save everybody and this plane was not going to knock the building down.
And so there are actually times that a little, I mean, pastors, you guys, there are what?
5,000 people watching a sermon.
If a pastor wasn't a little bit of a narcissist, he would not have the stamina to do sermon
after sermon and hear everyone's Monday morning quarterback and kind of shredding it.
So just kind of own that.
We can all head towards narcissism just a little bit.
A very small population out there is what we would call clinically narcissist, but if
I were going to tell you to watch out for any type of narcissist or control behavior,
it would be the manipulation one.
I think that is the most seductive and the hardest one to spot.
And here's what I will say, you guys.
Aggressive and passive aggressive are both unhealthy behaviors.
Codependent and over-controlling are both unhealthy behaviors.
So I don't want you to think because one's more over versus covert that suddenly we get
a free pass.
The Lord wants us to nip both of those.
Okay.
Boundary buster.
Obviously the biggest boundary buster we saw was blame.
It's the first thing that Eve did.
I mean, actually Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the serpent.
So they kind of both did it.
Whenever we use blame, blame squashes out empathy.
And so if we're in a situation when we start to blame another person, empathy can't show
up.
It focuses on the other person without us having a willingness to look inside of ourselves.
And if we're not willing to look inside of ourselves, we cannot be vulnerable and make
a real connection.
You guys, the biggest turnoff for me when I start dating a guy is if he blames his ex-wife
for everything.
I don't care if she was a narcissist.
I don't care if she beat him.
I don't care if I do care.
And I care if she cheated on him, but chances are he played a part in the story, even if
it was more covert.
And it's not my business to find out on those first three dates, what she did wrong.
If he's going to talk about his divorce, which he really shouldn't on the first few
dates, I'm most concerned about who he is, what he learned and what he's going to do
different.
Cause guess what?
I'm not an abuser.
I'm not going to cheat on him.
So I don't really care what she did.
I know who I'm going to be when I show up in this relationship, because I can tell you
this, you guys, and so many of you have exes and you can attest to this.
Anytime I ever dated a guy who blamed everything a hundred percent on his ex, if something
went wrong in our relationship,
100% of the time, it would be all my fault.
So if somebody always puts the blame on somebody else, chances are they're going to repeat
that blame busting behavior.
The other biggie that happens with a boundary buster is triangulation.
A triangulation is me and the person I'm upset with.
I am too chicken, too afraid, too whatever to go talk to them.
So I tell my friend instead, and either I want my friend to tell the other person instead
of me going directly to the person, Matthew 18 models to us how to handle any kind of
confrontation or issue that arises.
So whether this is your parent, your boyfriend, your coworker, your boss, Jesus himself has
modeled to us to go to that person and speak the truth in love.
If you ever feel unsafe, you go with a trusted advisor.
So if at any point that you guys are dating somebody and you're afraid to go to that person
or you don't feel equipped to go to that person because you never learned how to do confrontation
healthy, that's when you call in a counselor to do it with you.
And instead of you going to your girlfriends, your single friends or people that are upset
with their own husbands, you bring in another person just creates a triangle and it's not
going to ever bring resolution and it's not going to create healthy boundaries for the
relationship.
Other people should not know what's going on in your story, especially in your dating
story before the very person that offended you.
That's the first person you should always be talking to.
Okay.
So I'm going to talk a little bit about what healthy confrontation looks like.
And I know some of you are like freaked out just hearing the word confrontation.
Confrontation doesn't need to be yelling, screaming, shouting, hitting.
That's not confrontation.
The actual definition of confrontation is showing up face to face.
So confront, it means with front.
So it means showing up with your full front.
To do it healthy, you come into the conversation by not raising your voice.
You don't invade their space and you don't need to be big.
In fact, if I was ever trying to confront my staff, I would always bring them into the
part of my office where there was the couch and the reclining chairs because I wanted
us to sit a little bit more relaxed.
I took the power control.
Like instead of behind my desk where I'm in the seat of power, I would kind of flatten
the playing field.
You don't want to attack, not with your words, not physically, not mentally or emotionally.
Remember you don't want to blame and you don't want to gaslight or shift focus.
So when you go into healthy confrontation, you want to lean into the fact that negative
emotions are going to come up.
No matter how amazing you do it, there's going to be negative emotions that come up.
Just be prepared to sit in that tension for a bit, knowing that you may not feel better
right away.
This is you trying to create healthy boundaries.
You need to be willing to have tough and hard conversations.
I've always heard from therapists, some of the most unhealthy relationships they have
are the ones where a married couple say they never fight.
If they never fight their entire marriage, they're probably not having a super intimate
and healthy relationship because an intimate, healthy relationship will require some healthy
confrontation and that's where you are massaging each other's boundaries because not everybody
has the same exact boundaries.
You're going to learn how to listen and you guys, and I mean really listen, listen to
hear and not respond.
Most of us listen to get our response ready.
When you go into a confrontation, you can't look for the other person to define your self-worth.
So if I'm going to have confrontation with somebody that scares the poo out of me, I
have to trust who God says I am and not worry about what the other person, because I don't
know how this is going to go.
All I can do when I show up for healthy confrontation is own my side of the street, right?
I can own my side of the street.
I cannot determine what they're going to own.
I can only determine what I say, what I own and how I respond to them.
I always say to folks, have the courage to get curious and not know.
And then I love this phrase.
I heard Dr. Phil say a million years ago, do you want to be right or do you want to
be in relationships?
So sometimes know what your outcome goal is when you do healthy confrontation.
And hopefully it's to get the relationship together and not simply to be right.
I love it.
Meredith is going to cook us dinner.
I can see this happening right now.
It's all good girlfriend.
I'm just teasing you.
She's like, great.
You just focus all of it.
that on me. I did not. And even in the replay, they're not going to see that promise. Okay.
Before we get into boundaries in dating, I want to talk about boundaries with you. Um,
it starts with you. You guys, if you don't, or if you are not taking care of yourself,
I promise you, your spouse is not going to do it for you. Um, you are not here to fix
him and he's not here to fix you. So here's how you know where you have unhealthy boundaries.
Some of you have unhealthy boundaries with food. You either have a habit of binging,
overeating, over dieting, under eating, under calculating. And I should have put the opposite
side of food. So you have this unhealthy relationship with food. You guys, I've been there my whole
life. It's like I was technically in high school. I never weighed enough to give blood
like that's under 110 pounds. But yet like my dad made me feel like I was five pounds
from being away from being obese. So like I had this, I have this weird obsession with
food and it can kind of overtake me. And, um, and so I've really had to gain control
of that. Um, you may have an out of control soul and no boundaries with money. You may
find that you impulse spend, you have no budget or you too rigid with the budget, no savings.
You're living behind, but yon your means repeatedly helping bail others out. You guys,
here's the silly, do you want to know what some of my credit card debt was? I've, I've
since paid it all off, but I work for nonprofit. I'm a giver. I'm not going to lie. 90% of
my credit card debt was going to Kroger, buying food to make meals for people in my church
and my clients. It's like, Oh, I've got to make like, there's always a new meal train.
Always a new meal train. And sometimes I just didn't have the money, but I would like feel
obligated to like serve them. So even in this great gift of wanting to serve, God never
asked me to take out credit card debt to buy a dinner for somebody else. That is unhealthy
boundaries with my money. Even if I can justify it. Um, time, some of you and some of us have
a unhealthy boundary with time. We're either overbooking our schedule. We show up late
consistency and we miss deadlines. Sometimes we double book. Sometimes we assume there's
going to be no traffic. Sometimes we don't assume anything is going to go awry. And you
know, we all have that friend that constantly shows up like, Oh my gosh, I just did it.
Um, I have found that when people consistently show up late to me, they're just implying
that their time is more valuable than me. And so they have an unhealthy boundary with
time task and completion. If you can't get your tasks done, don't say yes. And so if
you are the yes monster and you have no ability to say no, you're just like, I just can't
say no to anybody. And you're constantly picking up tasks. If you can't complete them all with
a healthy body left intact, then you don't have a good boundary on when to say no. And
you need to learn how to say no. You can have a out of control, lack of boundary with your
words. You can hide intimacy from talking too much. You can become domineering. You
can gossip. You can use sarcasm, over flattery, massaging the truth, seducing and manipulating
the truth. Um, I grew up with the phrase white lie. Oh, that was just a white lie, right?
It's just a white lie. Um, now I'm not saying you need to be blunt and say the exact truth
all of the time, but I would dare say that the Lord doesn't want us to use white lies.
Let's find some truth that we can give somebody not to hurt their feelings. And then of course
sexuality I'm not limited to pornography, um, affairs and masturbation. I, I've been
very proud of the number of heartwork groups who have been talking about all of this stuff
and how it shows up for them. And so if this is you and you've been brave about it, um,
I just say, amen. You know, like kind of, um, the biggest way to get away from shame
is put it in the light. And once you put it in the light, that's where empathy can
show up. And then of course drugs and alcohol. So these are all of the ways that you can
have lack of boundaries with yourself. Make sure you like pray about this list and see
and jot down, like, do I have an out of control, lack of boundary spirit? I promise you getting
married is not going to make these things go away. If anything, it's only going to expose
them as opposed to fix them. Okay. So boundaries in dating, I believe Jackie discussed in dating
101 and hopefully in your guides, you saw the levels of dating. So we're going to kind
of talk about that in the next 15 minutes, we're going to wrap up talking about what
boundaries look like in dating and early marriage, because this is why we're all here, right?
I just wanted you to
have that background because what you what your childhood looks like, how you model boundaries
in your everyday life bleeds over into your boundaries in dating, because here's the thing,
this is where your emotions are kind of going, he's so hot, he's amazing butterfly. And so
your boundaries can go out the window. And so this is a time we need to lean in a little
bit further. So level two dating is where you start with guys, it is discovery dating,
it is just getting to know people. And at this stage, you possibly are talking to other
people at the same exact time, he is talking to other people at the same time. So I want
you to consider what your boundaries are in each of these topics, we suggest now and I
said this in the talk that I gave to the main group a few weeks ago, and I kind of did this
reminder, and you may hear Jackie's guidelines on physical boundaries that are either stricter
than what you're used to, or not as strict as what you're used to, you lay it before
the Lord, we're just going to tell you what the boundaries, the guidelines are for this
community. And you take it before the Lord and you decide what's best between you and
him. Especially if you've had sexual trauma in your past, you might have stricter boundaries
and that's okay. So we suggest the physical behavior that should not be happening in discovery
dating is making out, like making out, romantic, and of course, anything beyond making out,
like any kind of physical touching of the body and or sexual activity. Here's the blunt
thing I said in front of a co-ed group two weeks ago, and I said, let's not be all Bill
Clinton. If your hands or your mouth or your genitals are touching other genitals, that's
sex. Just so we're clear, it's a form of sex. For those of you that are too young to remember
what happened with Bill Clinton, you can go look it up and you'll find out what I'm talking
about that. And so we're not even talking about that. We're just talking about making
out because I was definitely schooled on this. I said there are three times that women release
oxytocin in our body. One is during breastfeeding, one is during childbirth, and the other is
during sex. What I have since learned, if your make-out sessions are very hot and heavy,
we women can produce oxytocin. It is the hormone released in women only that cause
us to connect. If you can imagine childbirth and breastfeeding, of course you want to connect
and bond with your baby. And of course, in that heavy making out and sex, we are made
to connect. Oxytocin does not show up in the men. So they are not getting the same connect
bond that we are getting. It is why historically and hormonally men are more able to have sex
with different women and not get emotionally attached. It's unfortunate. It's just the
way it is, you guys. Take it up with God when you get to heaven. We got the oxytocin. So
we need to guard our oxytocin and we need to protect it if we want to protect and guard
our hearts. And so Jackie would say that if your physical behavior in level two dating
gets the point where you guys are starting to make out, and I'm not talking about a kiss
goodnight on the cheek or a gentle kiss, just to see what it feels like. You all know what
I'm talking about. That's a time for you to start to have that conversation like, hey,
we're kind of being romantic here. It's now time for us to talk about, are we dating other
people? And so she would argue if you're starting to get physical with each other,
handholding down the street, massage, touch, it's getting a lot more romantic. That's the
time for you to be thinking about going to exclusive dating. Cause I don't know about
y'all, but I don't want some guy kissing me and some other chick. Like that's a heck to
the no, right? Courtney, Michael. I'm just like, right. No, um, I I'm, it's bad enough.
And if you're my age, it's bad enough that Jackie talks about level two dating. Like
it, like I don't mind level two dating for all at like the first call or the first date,
but like five, six dates in really you're still talking to other girls. I'm your girl.
What are we doing here? What did it, this is crazy. So I've learned to sit in the pocket.
So for me, no physical behavior in level two, or else I'm just gonna like, I'm just a hot
mess express. The other place that women especially need to be careful in level two
dating is our spiritual content. So many of you are Jesus love, loving Bible quote in,
you know, spiritual gift, uh, speaking in tongue gals, like you got it all going on
and there is nothing more sexy and intimate than when a dude wants to pray over you and
with you, I get it. It's like, baby, can you pray? And it's like the biggest turn on. And
so that's what Saul starts. But unfortunately it starts to create this level of intimacy.
And so you just really want to
Be careful about that.
Now, I'm in full-time ministry and I've been in ministry, I've got tattoos, I've got Jesus
all over them.
So like, it's impossible for me to not talk about my faith pretty quickly on, but there's
talking about my faith up here and, but think about it like peeling an onion.
And that's the way that we talk about boundaries in dating.
So it's not that you're not going to talk about your past.
It's not that you're not going to talk about your family and your faith, but you're just
going to give them the first layer of the onion.
You're not going to tell it about every deep spiritual moment that you've had in your spiritual
content.
Same thing with your emotional energy and taking on each other's stuff and sharing your
story and sharing your time.
You guys, I knew I was teaching this class.
Two weeks ago, I taught the whole main group, Jackie had me teach on sex and intimacy because
people are going to muck with it.
And so somehow in the last two weeks, I'm going to be very vulnerable.
I met a really hot guy in 1822 and I busted all my stinking boundaries and we had like
four, three hour conversations.
We talked about spiritual stuff.
I learned all about his life.
He learned all about my life.
Now here's the thing.
There's a lot of my, there's no part of my story that I actually regret telling him because
there's so much that I didn't tell him, but it just showed me how fast and level two dating
boundaries can go a muck.
And boundaries go a muck when you're spending too much time with each other in the beginning.
Jackie would be the first to say every first phone call, video date, live date should be
an hour long.
Unless you guys are traveling 10 hours to get to each other.
Keep those dates short in the beginning because you just start talking and you start talking
and it's like 11 PM and it's like, and it just gets so dreamy and wonderful and you
just start oversharing very, very, very fast.
And so I just say that, so be aware of how much emotional energy you're dumping on them
and then you receiving.
So if you have a social services therapist, teacher, some kind of empathetic field in
your job, you will naturally gravitate towards creating a safe place for them to show up.
So the thing that I had to pay attention to in the last week with this guy is, are
we talking for three hours because he's actually into me or are we talking for three hours
because I'm a good listener and I'm a good therapist.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Like, shoot, I so tried not to become the therapist.
I think I might've turned into the therapist and I only say this cause you guys, cause
he's not kind of ghosted me for the last five days.
And so I have to sit in this tension of like, what does that mean?
And it might mean nothing.
And here's the thing, you guys, it might have nothing to do with me.
Like I know he's in the early stage of his health and recovery and again, healthy boundaries.
I can't do his recovery for him.
So old me, I've been trying to figure out what I said, what I did.
I know I didn't do anything.
I'm actually like, I took a step back and I kind of looked at my level too and I'm like,
okay, spiritual content.
I'm okay with we, obviously we only video dated, so no physical.
I probably took on too much of his energy and his stuff.
And I probably shared a little bit too much of my story and I probably gave him way too
much of my time in such a short amount of time.
I didn't pay attention to that.
So if you guys start texting and talking every day, you will notice if he goes cold turkey
for five days, right?
But if you were only talking every two to three days in the beginning and having those
long conversations once a week, you wouldn't notice it.
When it starts getting really intense and they have a moment, they're like, I need a
break.
You're going to feel that.
So you have to be paying attention to what kind of boundaries can you have that you can
kind of handle this ebb and flow that's going to come with level two dating.
Of course, now at level three, you guys have decided to be exclusive.
And I would argue there are three phases of it, three phases of exclusive dating.
And Jackie had me go over this in the main community because you guys, people are trying
to fly from level two to level three to Simbis, the pre-marriage class in like 30 hot days.
Just because this program is called last year, single does not mean that you are on the race
to the altar.
Y'all like be thoughtful about your approach.
The idea behind last year single is this is your last year to get yourself healthy, get
everything in order, get those dreams going, get that stuff out of the way, live your best
life so that you start to date in your last year single with the best guy.
It doesn't mean you need to run to the altar in 90 days from meeting him.
Do not get FOMO with your fellow bride group or whatever you guys call yourselves these
days.
Make sure that you go at a pace that's healthy.
So I like to think that there's three levels of exclusive dating.
First, there's just the beginning.
You don't want him kissing other girls.
doesn't want you kissing other guys. You're just starting today and now you're not worrying
about does he like me? Does he not? Does he like me? Does he not? Now you're just like
getting to live life with him. Enjoy that first season. You guys just enjoy it. Have
fun. You're healthy now. You're like God defended. Now enjoy it healthy for the first time.
Then of course you kind of get to this middle stage where you're spending more and more
time in each other's world. You might be getting to know their children, their friends, their
pastor. You're getting to, you're vetting them and watching how they behave and how
you behave in the real world. And then of course the third phase of exclusive dating
is when you're like marriage minded and you're like planning it like, yeah, I think we're
going to get married. Like we're going to do our pre-marriage class. One of us may need
to move closer if we're like very far apart and you're kind of moving it along. Jackie
would also recommend that sex, and I already defined sex for you, is not happening at level
three dating. Now only you know what you can do before it turns into sex, right? If some
of you who might've had porn, masturbation or sexual addiction in your past, you might
be like Renee, I can't like tongue with any guy or there's no room in my home that's safe.
Or you know Renee, I can make out till the cows come home and I'm not going to let him
get in my pants. And so you need to both have that honest conversation about what kind
of physical intimacy you can have and what it's starting to look like. So somewhere in
level three, you're starting to have open conversation about what your, what your boundary
is physically up until marriage. Um, the other conversation that somebody asked me, people
were able to submit a lot of different questions on this. And I will say this, the details
of what that sex life is going to look like does not need to be discussed at this time.
So if someone starts asking you what positions you like, what positions you don't like, I
would say that is too soon. Maybe the best time for that conversation would be in a pre
marriage class because some of your views on sex on that much in detail may have to
do with trauma. And you guys haven't even discussed that stuff yet. In level two dating,
you might decide what your boundary is talking about addiction, talking about an abortion,
talking about how many boyfriends, by the way, an ex does not need to know how many
people you've had sex with. Like Jackie has said it, I have said it, there is no good
in that game. Um, and so you don't owe anybody the details, the deep, deep details of your
sexual past. You owe nobody that story. That might be something you reveal over time in
your marriage, but at level three, you don't owe them your entire sexual history. So that's
kind of how we feel about that. So I want you to be just like taking notes on that.
What are my physical boundaries, my spiritual boundaries, emotional, how much stuff of theirs
I'm going to take on, how much of my story and how much of my time or am I going to give
up for this person? Super important that you do this. I'm only going to do two more slides
if I have anything after this, I'm going to skip them. Um, because I feel like I want
to hear from you guys and get you guys asking questions and then talking to each other.
So if you have a pen and paper, here's your cheat sheet. So this is your cheat sheet,
how to communicate with your dating guy and your married guy got this from a therapist.
Literally she hangs this on the fridge with her husband and they literally point to it
so they know what the conversation is going. So take a picture of this. If you want, you
want to make sure the two of you are talking the same language, because here's the thing
guys always assume when we bring something to him, his job is to fix it. Every time what
I'm going to show you is there's only one time he needs to fix it. When you start the
sentence with, I feel he knows, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. She doesn't want me to do
a dang thing. That's it. I just have to listen to her. I'm just blowing off steam. I'm so
you have to take zero action at best. Pray with them when they're done. Wouldn't it be
great if our boyfriends know this and our husbands know, baby, when I start with, I
feel this, you are only supposed to listen. Can you do that for me? Yes. Yes. Awesome.
Boom. Done. Okay. When I start a sentence with, I think it means I'm trying to process
out loud when I'm done contribute ideas. So think means ideas. When you say, when you
start with, I know, I know usually means that you are passionate about something when you're
done. If someone's passionate about something, they probably need counsel and discernment.
And then if they need something, baby, that's when you can fix it. When I tell you I need,
that is your invitation to
fix. So this can save you a lot of dating relationships right here. I feel, do nothing.
I think, give ideas. I know, counsel. I need, fix. There you go. That's my cheat sheet for
healthy communication. Also remember, dating and marriage, sometimes you have to compromise
on your wants and desires. It is not always going to be, I want the right thing, you want
the wrong thing. A lot of time, dating and marriage is about you both wanting something
equally. Both are valuable. Sometimes somebody's want has to win. And then the next time your want
gets to win. Otherwise, sometimes you have to compromise and get some of your want met.
So some of your want is met. So as gorgeous and as amazing and as healed as you both are now,
you're having this God kingdom dating relationship in marriage. Just realize that sometimes your
wants and desires are going to conflict. That is healthy. That is normal. And sometimes it's
all about compromise. And then the last thing I want to say about dating and marriage is remember
that you and I have a limit. Remember we talked about capacity management. There's a great clip
of Brene Brown going around on Instagram and Reels and TikTok. And she said, you know how
they always say marriage is 50-50 or 100-100. She's like, that's just crap. Because sometimes life
happens to you and you don't have 50-50 or you don't have 100. So she goes, my husband and I
come home and we say, how was your day? How was your day? What do you got? And so if you're honest
with each other, you're like, man, baby, my day sucked. And this happened and this happened.
I'm lucky if I'm coming home with 20%. And if I've had a good day, I say, great, no problem,
baby. I got 80%. And so we're going to do it. But if she says, gosh, I had a bad day too,
I'm coming in at 40%. Now they both have to realize one's at 40 and one's at 20,
their needs are not going to get met that night. And they're going to have to show space and grace
with one another. So I really love that. If you don't learn to do that, you will give past your
capacity. You will do it exhausted. You will do it depleted. You will bust those boundaries and
you will start to get resentful. And so adults make statements, children explain. That's one of
the favorite lines I learned in therapy. Adults that are in a healthy dating and marriage relationship,
boundaries means you make statements. Children explain. So just think and pray about that.
I know I grew up in a very broken trauma home. And so I feel like I have to over-explain
my answer. No is a complete answer. Did you know that? Yes is a complete answer. Hey, Renee,
we're going out to the movies. Do you want to join us? Thank you so much for asking no.
How many of you feel like you have to explain to your friends why your answer's no?
Right? So we do it with just, we do with our girlfriends. We do with everybody. Sometimes
no is a complete answer. Yeah. I'm not going to do that one. Okay. We have breakout questions.
So I'm going to stop sharing. So I want to see your faces now. I have 39 people and I know a
lot of folks are going to watch this. So before I send you off into breakout rooms for about 10,
12 minutes, I want to make sure I open the floor to general questions from everything.
I just omitted on you. Any outlying questions? Because otherwise you might have questions when
you go off to the group and come back. I have a question about the dating levels.
Yes. Would it be possible to like have a PDF of that? They're in your guides. Yeah. So they were
put up in your guides. I looked at it in the guides and there's no way for me to download it.
Was it not a, I thought they were PDFs. I'll, I will check with Amber. I'll look back at it.
I'll check with Amber to make sure they were PDFs. Okay. Yeah. Thanks for letting us know Em. I
appreciate that. I actually have a question. Good evening. Actually, I just came in like halfway
through. So my apologies. I came out of a Bible study. My question is you reference, you and Jackie
have referenced the 1822 group. I think I'd be more interested in finding out about that.
Is that something that we're all eventually going to be connecting with? Yeah. So Bethany and Jackie
will have that conversation as she releases you from this group. And so here's what I can tell
you in the same way there's our group, you guys, and just to kind of give you an idea on volume,
there's like 400 women in the main group and there's about another 400 of you that are at some
level of finishing up the program.
There are over a hundred guys in the 1822 group.
So once, so there's obviously more of us than them.
So every time I date a guy that is a nice guy,
but not my guy, I invite him to go join 1822.
Starting next month,
you guys have all been given the community calendar
for next month.
Every co-ed event,
the men that show up to that are the 1822 guys.
So it's not like you get access to their database.
Ooh, who are the hundred plus guys?
In the same way they don't have access to us.
So they can't,
the guys can't get into our Facebook page
any differently than we can get into theirs.
The only way you can get to know them
is if they show up for events
that are on our co-ed events and you show up.
Or if they're on Single Nation
and you start showing up on Single Nation.
So I would say, and obviously in single cities,
you guys are encouraged to join your single city
and that's where some of the 1822 guys are also showing up.
So hopefully I've answered that.
Okay, so I'm gonna reshow these questions
because I want you to either take a picture of them
or write them down because,
and I will put them in the, I will broadcast them.
So you have four questions that you guys are gonna get.
So I kind of wanna know,
and you're gonna share with your group
and you guys take less than a minute per question
and have everybody in your group answer the first question,
then everybody in your group answer number two,
everybody in your group answer number three,
and make sure you guys are being fair on time.
Did you grow up with too many
or too little or inconsistent boundaries?
As an adult, do you tend to have too many,
too little or inconsistent?
So this is you kind of recognizing
what was your childhood like?
Did you do almost the same thing?
Did you get better at boundaries
or did you try to do the exact opposite?
So this is just really trying to gauge
what was boundaries like for you as a child?
What are boundaries like for you now?
Okay, so it's kind of a before, now.
Two, control has its place.
So we talked about healthy control gets stuff done
and it keeps us safe,
but it can also be a big boundary buster.
Did you more relate to the covert?
So the covert was the codependent,
or did you more connect with the overt controlling person?
And you guys, again, remember the covert
is not more or less healthy than the overt.
So if you're like, I'm an overt control freak,
I own it, I'm a boss, babe.
I just walk in a room and I just take over.
This is a safe space here.
So no shame in that game
if you are more overt than covert.
This is about owning it and releasing it.
And then of the other two boundary busters,
what have you been guilty of or not, or neither, or both?
Blaming and triangulation or both?
And then in dating, what boundary do you think
you struggle with the most to manage?
Is it gonna be physical, emotional, spiritual,
or vomiting your past story?
So take a screenshot of this.
We're gonna send you off into groups.
And I'm looking to see,
is there a timeframe for these levels?
And this is just a suggestion.
We suggest that you try to do level two dating
with somebody for about a month.
And then level three can last three months or a year.
It can last as long as you need it to last.
I would definitely recommend before engagement,
some form of pre-marriage counseling.
As my pastor used to say,
if you get engaged and then do the pre-marriage counseling,
it's like the horse has left the barn.
A lot of people have a hard time rewinding a relationship
once an engagement announcement has gone.
Okay, sexual boundaries.
Somebody asked me about sexual boundaries.
And I talked long and hard about sexual boundaries,
you guys, and what I said in the COVID environment
about sexual boundaries is the person
that wants the lowest amount of sexual activity should win.
If you are dating a godly man
who wants you to feel safe and protected,
if you wanna stop at making out,
he's gonna stop at making out.
If you wanna stop at like what, you know,
like, okay, he can touch my boobs,
like whatever it is that you want to stop at,
he needs to respect that.
And you guys, you have to be super careful if a guy says,
well, I know you wanna wait till you get married,
but that's not my game and I'll try to follow along.
I'd say proceed with caution.
I know me, my willpower is gonna give out at some point,
so I might as well just have sex with him.
Like, it's just not gonna happen.
If I know he says, hey, you know,
that really wasn't my thing, but you know what?
I feel really convicted, Renee.
Yeah, let's do this.
Let's try to not have sex before marriage.
Then that's somebody I might give another chance.
And just know, you guys, there's plenty of professing Christians that are having sex.
I'm getting hot. They're having sex outside of marriage.
So there's a lot of Christians that have abortions.
There's a lot of Christians that lie.
There's a lot of Christians that steal.
So just because somebody says they're a professing Christian doesn't mean we're all living in health.
OK, so let me send you guys off into the breakout room.
Breakout rooms. I'm going to do 28, three divided by 28.
Oh, my gosh. That's eight, right? No, that's nine.
I'm going to do nine rooms. All right. I'm sending you guys off.
It is 10 after the hour. I'm going to give you guys 12 minutes.
So you're going to get about a minute for each question.
And I will make sure I put the questions in. I will broadcast them after I send you off to go.
So there you go. Go ahead and go to your rooms.
Awesome. I think we lost a few stragglers on the way back, but I get it.
And we're in the close up of the thing. So now that you are all back, did something either share if you feel like you had a holy moment either in your group.
I'm fine if the best thing you learned happened in your group and not with me.
I just made space for it. Did you have an a-ha tonight or a question?
So come off if you had a big a-ha reveal. Liz, I like that. Go first, girl.
Yeah. So you touched on this briefly the last time you did a session, and I was so grateful for it.
I am a family pastor at my church.
And so you talked about like just sitting down and all of a sudden you just get way too much.
I'm like, oh, my gosh, yes. I actually had gone on a date back last fall.
So it's been almost a year. And I walked away and I was like, I felt like I was his pastor the whole time.
That did not feel like a date. And it was like the worst experience.
And when you shared that, it was a light bulb moment for me because you're right.
Part of my gifting and why.
the Lord has me placed exactly where I am is that I can sit down with somebody and all of a sudden
I know all the stuff all the stuff and it's so good and it is so God but it is so not appropriate
for dating and so um even though you haven't necessarily like dived super super deep into that
that was an aha moment and I'm like and that's kind of been an invitation for me to just really
sit with the Holy Spirit because I've been like okay so what do I do next? Liz I'm gonna encourage
you because look in between me telling that to you and tonight I just did it again last week and I
didn't even try to do it like honestly the biggest reason why he may not be reaching out to me is
because instead of me wearing I share too much he might be going oh my gosh I just told her
everything and so you guys it's seductive like having them share your story is seductive especially
if our jobs just so it creates intimacy it does and intimacy prematurely good it's false intimacy
but it sure feels good it's like you guys boundaries it's easy in boundaries to weed out
the bad stuff but we're trying to create space for awesome which means sometimes even feel good
needs to go good needs to go to make room for awesome and those are much harder boundaries
to put out there okay especially when you're deprived of intimacy it's been a really long
time since you've been intimate with somebody god it feels so good in the moment it feels really good
until it doesn't anybody else question or aha I'm just holding space for it for you guys
for just a few more moments you guys have fun in your groups I hope so you guys have got a
great group I mean July you guys are awesome and you're going to be released into the main
community next month and you're going to have a blast with the rest of us um and whether you
meet your spirit mate in that co-ed environment um it will just give you so many fun tools to go
out there and do life and dating differently and the good news is um and guys please please please
show up camera ready every single time do you see like there's not even a dude on here and I put
makeup on for you I've got a little white light going on I got a cute picture in the background
you'd be surprised how many of your fellow sisters show up on these co-ed calls and I don't care like
well it's only the same guys or it's only 10 guys well maybe those 10 guys knows your spirit mate
and he's not going to introduce you to your his spirit his buddy the spirit mate because you'll
look awful like and so I know we shouldn't be worried about looks but y'all like make sure the
lights facing you look at like I've got coffee spilled on my shirt now and you can't even tell
but like please please please show up camera ready um even if you're cute after a workout
put your hair up put a little lip gloss on always look camera ready because you never know who god
is going to highlight you too um all right well then since we have no more questions I'm going to
go ahead and pray us out father god we just love you so much we love that you love your girls you
you um you want to protect us you want to care for us you want us to have healthy godly marriages
with I call it happy healthy holy sex woohoo god you designed sex you designed an orgasm
you designed intimacy you want all of it for us in its proper time and in its proper place so
father god between the dating class and the boundaries class father god may we bring all
of our relationships to you give us grace let us give grace to ourselves when we don't get it right
and when we bust our own boundaries and we fall back into old habits and maybe may we rebound
quickly may we show grace and space for the men that we're dating who bust their boundaries and
our boundaries sometimes so father god we just lift this entire journey up to you knowing that
you have a divine connection for each and every single one of us because we've got some kingdom
destiny to work out and so we just name it claim it believe it and trust in it in jesus mighty name
amen all right ladies let me close out the