Good evening, everybody. I'm just going to let it go just one little bit more moment for some waiting for the top of the hour. Good to have you here.
Okay, let's go ahead and get started I want to honor everybody showing up on time so I'm just going to open this up real quick and prayer Father God we just thank you that we can come together as sisters to partner together to walk beside each
other.
As we go through this season in our life and so Father God may you bless our time together.
And may our conversation, be fruitful and a blessing to each other. In Jesus name. Amen. Okay, so what I like to do. I'm Renee, by the way, I can't remember if I've seen you all in the last week or two.
I also lead prayer and Monday mornings and so if you come to prayer.
Then you will. Let's see that you will know thank you that you will know.
You will know the sound of my voice I just I'm just reading a note that Bethany left okay so if you're watching from Facebook, make sure you can hop over to the link and come into the zoom and join us there.
It'll be fun, because the only way I'm going to be able to answer your questions if you have them is for you to come on into the zoom room so come on in, and it's a great party.
So I was reflecting back on some of the comments that you all have made, and Bethany and I kind of jotted down some notes but I always like asking this at the front of the session because we always like to gear it towards the people that are actually
showing up for this conversation.
So, raise your hand. If it's your avatar hand that's fine too.
If you have and you're going to probably start lowering your hands as if you've not gotten to it so I like to kind of gauge where everybody is in this process, you at least watch the opening orientation video from Jackie.
I know some of you are cutting and running and not finishing that dang video, and you're like, I just want to get right to the teaching and why why why she's just doing orientation.
But then some of the very questions you're asking in the chat, if you just watch the orientation video the whole way through, you'd get some of those answers, so I'm going to encourage you if you've not watched the orientation video, all the way through.
Please do so. Jackie always has nuggets, things that she says that's not in the script and it's always good information.
Okay, how many of you have watched, I'm going to try to go in the order that you would have been released them. How many of you watched her video on dating 101.
Raise your hand if you've seen the dating 101 video. Okay, awesome.
Great. You can take your hands down. In fact, I will help lower the hands and raise your hand if you've watched the divine feminine video.
Okay, just a couple of you there.
How many of you have watched the online dating video that I did.
Okay.
How many of you have watched the boundaries video, the very last one.
Okay, just a couple of you. All right, that's really helpful. So I'm going to try to pick up a couple themes that I want you to think about I did see somebody have a question like, I heard, where did this whole dating challenge Jackie in phase two always gives you guys a dating
challenge depending on where it lands in the year. She might say you have to get seven dates or you have to get four dates so it's the top of the year.
My suspicion is she has challenged you to get seven dates by Easter, it could be sooner. I don't know.
But you guys, it's not an exact sign so don't freak out people like oh my gosh I can't get I haven't gotten seven dates in the last 10 years you want me to get them in the next two months like just chill.
The whole point of that is to just get you out of your comfort seat and just start to be willing to have a conversation with people and start talking to people that you wouldn't otherwise be talking to.
So, when you hear this dating challenge, please do not freak out it's really just to kind of get you out there and kind of like, just try a little bit harder.
And it's all good, no matter where you land in this challenge. It could be seven video dates with the same guy, it could be live in person dates, it really doesn't, it doesn't matter, but that's the whole point is that you're just getting out there and you're
just trying, that's the most important thing.
So that's super important. The second thing I wanted to say is when you guys are giving updates in the chat. If some of y'all really long winded that you're right and more in peace.
Okay, so here's.
Remember how on our prayer calls we say be be brief and powerful. You may want to do that. Here's why because if they're super super long. Now Bethany is going to read every single word of it she's not going to miss your message.
Do you want feedback from the rest of the community.
Chances are, if it gets super long,
people are gonna start skimming your response
and they're gonna give feedback based on a skim,
which is not the same as if they read it word for word
because sometimes they give you advice
and you're like, well, no.
And I'm like, oh crap, I didn't finish reading it.
So just kind of be thoughtful about it.
If you haven't been giving updates in a while,
give like a couple updates,
just space them out a little bit.
So don't try to give three weeks of an update in one post.
Like that's just too much.
It's too much for you because the problem is if you,
not just the length,
but your mind is gonna be in a bunch of different directions.
So it's okay if you put out four posts like in one week,
if you're behind from the week before.
So make sure that you're like kind of really clear
about what you want an update on.
The other thing I wanna encourage you
as I've read some of the updates
is you guys don't be afraid.
You have just gone through this heart work program.
You have been touched by heaven to be protected
and God defended in this season.
I am not telling you
you're not gonna meet some ding dongs, you will.
I'm not saying that you're never gonna get a scammer
try to reach out to you, you will.
But you're gonna have the tools now to like joke,
make fun of it, y'all.
Just today, some really hot guy,
way out of my league hot guy, like just messaged me.
And I can tell in the opening sentence,
it was probably not legit.
But I thought, I'm gonna play with this.
And I'm like, oh, Colton, you sound so amazing.
I just wanted to let you know,
I'm a gal that's gonna wanna quickly move to video dates
and in-person dates.
I really have no time to do long drawn out
texting conversations or phone calls.
If that's something you're still interested in,
I'd be happy to talk to you.
You seem fabulous.
Whew, gone.
And I couldn't just deleted him,
but I was kind of like, but it's just this idea,
like it kind of makes me feel empowered
that I can have some fun in this.
And so right away, I see people go like,
oh my gosh, there's a scammer.
Like, oh my gosh, is he real?
Like, oh my gosh, is he a bad guy?
You know, we don't know you guys.
Sometimes they're just silly boys.
Sometimes they don't know how to have an opening line.
Sometimes they, sometimes you're gonna be talking to a guy
that was married for 20 years.
So the last time he dated, we had flip phones.
We didn't even have smartphones,
let alone dating apps and swiping.
So he may be way out of his game.
Like one of the sweetest guys that I dated,
he wasn't my guy, but he was so sweet.
His opening line really was the dorkiest opening line
and it could have been a scammer opening line.
And so I'm so glad I gave him the chance
because he was a really great guy.
I recommended this program to him,
and it was just, he just wasn't my guy.
And so don't like feel like you have to investigate
and figure out his whole MO in the first opening text.
I want you to just be like, I've got the tools.
I know what I'm doing.
I'm just discovery dating.
So if you've not seen Dating 101,
and that's the biggest thing I want you to pay attention to
as you're starting this kind of opening up your dating,
Jackie talks about the levels of dating.
Dating, like level one is all of us.
We're like chitchat and we're hanging out.
You could be in discovery, like one,
level one with everybody in your community,
your church, your yoga class, whatever.
Level two simply means you're gonna spend
one-on-one time with somebody.
So like, let's see who looks really like,
you know, Kimberly Smith, you look really cool.
Like I might wanna have coffee.
See, you just smiled at me.
I might wanna have coffee with you.
I might have met you at church.
And I'm like, gosh, I wanna hang out with this girl.
I wanna learn a little bit more about her.
And if I ask you out for coffee as a girlfriend,
I'm not thinking anything of it.
I haven't decided if you're my posse yet.
I haven't decided if I need to tell you
all of my deep, dark secrets.
No, I'm just there to get to know you.
So that's what I want you guys to think about
in this discovery dating phase,
because some of us kind of grew up in the era
where you meet a guy at work or at the gym.
So you kind of get to know him
before you have the first date.
So the first date can have a lot of romance around it
because you've already known that person.
But in this dating challenge, in this season,
you're gonna be getting set up by friends, family.
You're gonna go to singles groups.
You're gonna go to Bass Pro Shop.
You're gonna go to the golfing range.
You're gonna go to a meetup club.
You're gonna start to meet strangers.
So you can't decide if it's gonna be a romantic date
on the first date.
So just let that worry go.
Just let it go.
Treat those first video dates and those first dates
like you would a girlfriend.
Now, you guys, unless you're in a 12-step,
meaning you don't vomit in your life story
to even a girl when you first...
Now, my mom, she vomited.
that's her life story to the cashier at the grocery store.
And I'm always like, oh my gosh, mom,
she like this person does not want to know your life story.
So we already know that that's like oversharing, right?
We've seen what happens when we overshare with women,
with the checkout person.
We don't want to overshare
in our first text conversations with a guy,
our first video dates with a guy.
So that's why we want you to watch all of those videos.
If you are freaked out and burnt out on online dating
and you're like, you're feeling begrudged to do it,
do not do it till you get to that video.
No one hated online dating more than moi.
So it is funny, God's funny, funny, funny sense of humor
that Jackie's like, I think you need to teach
the online dating.
And I'm like, what?
I mean, I was online dating
before people were really talking about doing it.
And so I used to date online horribly.
But once I went through this program,
I probably, I don't know, but on a hundred dates,
I mean, I don't know.
It just, you guys,
cause I've given so many people a chance.
I dated outside the age range I normally would,
the weight I normally would, the career I normally would,
the race I normally would, just to meet people.
And I went into each of these dates with A,
I'm like, how can I bless this person?
How can I practice my dating skills?
How can I practice how to flirt with a guy
that I'm not attracted to?
Haven't you ever noticed how easy it is to flirt
with somebody that you're not attracted to?
So like practice your dating game on a guy that's just okay.
So like be willing.
And so how I get to all those dates,
Renee, how did you get all those dates?
Because I did not text for very long.
So if you are texting a guy for three weeks,
my dog, stop it.
If you are texting a guy for three weeks,
you're texting too long.
The only time I'm texting that long
is if I'm out of town and he's out of town
and we physically can't meet.
But even then I will text maybe a week.
And then I'll say, and if he doesn't say it first,
I'll say, hey, you know what?
I'm really here to kind of meet people in real life.
So I would love to kind of move it along to a video chat
or that's a great question.
It's just not an appropriate question for text.
I really think it's important to hear tone and inflection
and see body language.
So I'd love to have that conversation on video chat.
If they're not willing to go to a video chat with me,
I just stop, I'm done talking to them.
I just say, well, just let me know
and you can schedule and I move it along.
I don't like delete them,
but I just stopped paying attention to it.
So that's how you get to dates
is you really just wanna start going,
I'm just gonna have fun.
I'm just gonna enjoy this company.
Now you will hear Jackie say over and over again,
it's a yes until it's a no.
So here's the other thing.
And she'll always say, give a man three dates.
Three dates is a chance.
Now you guys, if he's a ding dong, if he's a douche,
like if he's a jerk, no,
no one is gonna make you stay in it for three dates.
If it's like watching paint dry
and you're falling asleep on him
and you're bored out of your mind
and you don't even know how to have a conversation.
No, no one is asking you to force yourself
through three dates.
We're just trying to have you be super open-minded
and flexible.
If the first date, he seems sweet and kind
and you had some redeeming qualities in the date
and you kind of enjoyed your time with him,
but maybe you weren't attracted.
Maybe you were a little bored.
Offer to see, if he wants to see you again,
offer to see him again and let him pick the thing to do.
Because if it's something fun that he likes to do,
you might see a whole new personality come out.
And so there are out of like the 600 people
that have gotten married in this program,
I think over 90% said that they were not attracted
to that person on the first date
and they married somebody way outside
of what they thought they would ever marry,
but it was worth it.
No one felt like they compromised.
No one felt like, well, okay, I'm just single
and here it is, I'm just gonna pick that guy.
No.
And so all that to say what we used to be attracted to,
remember Jackie wants us to lead with the intellect first,
the spiritual first, and then the physical.
So yes, does she want you to be physically attracted to him
before you get married?
Of course she does.
Of course we do.
We don't want you to not be attracted
because sex is a pretty intimate act.
And so if you have no chemistry,
it's gonna be really hard to do that.
We just don't want you to lead with that
because we know when we lead with that,
that has brought us through unhealthy relationships
and we're trying to get out of that.
So that's, I mean, those are some of the things
I feel like the Lord has told me to share with you all,
which is not even exactly the same as what I shared with it.
Now, as you're going through these videos,
you might wanna inhale them,
but remember just like the heart work
that you guys were supposed to, in theory,
best practices is watch a video, do the homework a week.
Now there's not any homework for this.
And you're like, Renee, I'm not gonna wait a week
between these videos.
I get it, I totally understand, but don't binge it like you would a Netflix series,
like when you can't leave the house because you've just watched 25 episodes of something.
That's not what we want you to do because we want you to watch them and then see what
God has for you and journal about it, pray about it, and think about that.
Some of the things that you guys have brought up is just being afraid or intimidated.
One of the things that we talked about in the afternoon session, somebody brought up
is a really good thing.
She said, she has a lot of great girlfriends and she friend zones men really quickly.
And then she started second guessing herself that she's doing this all wrong.
And so I was like, well, when you first meet a girl that you're going to decide if she's
going to be your friend, do you worry if this is going to be a lifelong friend in those first
couple of sessions?
And she's like, no.
And I'm like, well, have that same attitude.
And so there's nothing to be afraid of here.
You are going to make mistakes.
You're going to say the wrong thing.
You're going to do the wrong thing.
You guys, I've done plenty of wrong things.
I was on this date.
I mean, I thought it was really rocking and I had my hair all pulled up and my hair's
not long enough to do like a fun top knot.
It just more looks like a nub.
So I have one of those fake ponytails that has like the nice top knot.
You know, that dang top knot fell out my date, man.
He goes, and I didn't notice it.
So he's like, I think you dropped something.
And I'm like, and I'm looking at my outfit and I'm like, what?
And he's like, and I looked down and there's my hair piece and I'm like, awesome.
And I said, well, now, you know, you know, like I forget what I said.
And you guys, I could have been mortified.
And I just laughed about it.
Like if you laugh at yourself, he's going to laugh too.
You have, if you're not like telling him your life secrets and if you're not making out
with him on the first date, you have nothing to be afraid of.
Make sure that your dates are in public.
Make sure that you tell people where you are.
Like he's not going to steal your money.
He's not going to like, he doesn't have access to that stuff when you're first getting to
know him.
And so just don't worry about it.
This is the thing I tried to remind everybody in the first session today.
If a guy ghosts you as a jerk, is not a classy guy, it has nothing to do with you in those
first sessions.
It really doesn't.
He doesn't know you yet.
Right?
And if he's going to decide he doesn't want to date you because he doesn't like your height
or your weight or the color of your eyes or your mannerism or the sound of your voice,
and he's not your guy.
Like your guy is going to be so excited for you.
Like y'all, like I was at Planet Fitness, like the, the ghetto Planet Fitness in like
Trumbull, Connecticut, not the nice little one down the street I just came from when
I was home for Connecticut.
And I mean this man bun, he, you know, he might've been 20 years younger than me.
I don't think he realized how, how old I was.
And he was like, Hey, as we started talking, he's like, I'd like to take you out for lunch.
And I was like, all right.
And here's the thing you guys, I knew right off the bat, he was not going to be my guy
Like I could just, you know, you just know, right.
But I thought this is Renee trying to be friendly because I don't know, maybe his older brother
would be better for me.
Maybe his best friend would like, I might go out on a date with him and go, wow, he's
not right for me, but there's an adorable girl in our community right here that I want
to match her up to.
So you guys, when you guys have dates with somebody that you think is a nice guy, checks
off all the boxes, but you're not physically attracted to him.
Think about your sisters here in the community.
He might be the perfect guy.
Carla was on the session this afternoon.
She's actually helping one of you.
She's one of your coaches with Bethany.
And I didn't even know this, but she was set up by somebody like somebody, one of her girlfriends
in this community was in another online, like just Facebook page.
And she sent a screenshot of this net, her now husband and said, Hey, what do you think
of this guy?
I'm going to set you two up.
And so it can happen.
You guys, that's why you guys want to stay in community with one another and get to know
one another.
Because if Kimberly Smith and I are hanging out and we're chatting, I know what her personality
is like.
I know what she likes and what she doesn't like.
So if I go out on a date with a guy, now we both have dark hair, you know, we've got some
similar features.
So if a guy was attracted to me, but there's nothing else going on, I might go, gosh, Kimberly
might be perfect for him.
And so I might just give her that opportunity.
So I really want you to just consider, just really step into the fun, really embrace who
you are.
And the biggest thing I really want you to not do is have FOMO and compare your journey
with somebody else.
Now some of you have been on all the apps, doing all the things, and you're like, Renee,
I have done 5,000.
discovery dates. Like I've been there and I've done that. I've got my healed whole heart now.
I'm just going to date deliberately. Like I'm not going to go out on a date with a guy that doesn't
pass, you know, what is now my God defended list. And that is okay. So you might go on a lot less
dates than somebody who is just getting out there for the first time and accepting all the date
offers. So we're all at different places in our life. We all want different things. Like you guys,
I've been in full-time ministry since I was 29 years old. So I probably have a higher criteria
of where I need his walk to be because I just, I need him to be at my match. Now he doesn't need
to have been a believer as long as me, but I need him to be at my match faith walk wise. Otherwise,
I have a strong personality. I'll just start to overtake him. And I don't want to become the
spiritual leader of that relationship. I also know that I have a strong personality. I really
try to reign it in, do the divine feminine thing, not come off too masculine, but I'm still a Yankee.
I'm still Italian. And so like, if that's going to bug them, then that's going to bug them right
from the beginning. And you guys try not to be somebody that you're not because there's reigning
it in. I don't know why I'm supposed to say this, but I am. There's reigning it in, like not being
so explosive. Like if you're a boss, babe, you're not going to show up on the date as a boss, babe.
If you are a caretaker for your children and for your family and for your parents, you don't want
to caretake him. If you tend to interview well, oh, here's another one. If you're really good in
ministry, because here's the other good thing. I'm really good at getting people to share their
entire life story. If I say, oh my gosh, hi, how are you? I haven't seen you in a long time.
Right there in the middle of the street, people will tell me their entire life story.
It has worked really well in ministry and it's helped me like get people further along. It's
been a terrible gift to have an exercise in dating because I learned deep, dark secrets about a man
way too quickly. I become his therapist somehow. I become his caretaker and I'm now the stronger
person because I know all his weak stuff. And it sets me up to be in the one up position.
And they enjoy it at first because they need the healing. But then as they get healed,
they feel that disconnect and it makes them very uncomfortable. So that's what I'm going
to encourage you to do. So if you are the caretaker, you want to nurture, not caretake.
If you are the therapist like me, you can get that out of them. You're going to have to rein
that gift in. And if they just start vomiting their story on you, you're going to have to make
sure you do lots of fun dates. Go take a walk down. I have a really cute town. Take a walk
downtown, go hiking, um, go, go ax throwing, go bowling, force yourself to be in dates where
there's other people it's public. And you're not just staring at each other because if you're like
me that you just ooze, I can tell you everything. And even though you try to stop them, like it's
really hard. So if you're finding that's happening on your dates plan, really fun dates in the
beginning, um, to help you kind of get away with that. All right. I am going to stop talking
because the best part of this is you guys, either something I've said, jogged your memory,
something that somebody wrote in the thing, something you watched in the video. So this is
now your time. Even if people are in different places in the program than you are, they're
going to learn from your questions and hopefully the answers that I give. So I know it takes
somebody to be brave to go first, but somebody is going to do it because this floor is yours now.
And if you are watching on Facebook, make sure you use the link that's in guide to,
and you hop onto the zoom call. So you can ask your question. Who's going to go first.
Okay. This is the one being recorded. You guys, not this afternoon when I had a bunch of
questions. So it's all on you. The pressure is on you because people are going to be watching
this in the replay and they're just going to see Margaret, Carol, Maria, and they're just going to
be like, girls, you had no questions. I have 5,000 questions. Maybe you can bring up a question that
you saw in the chat that you have just anything. How's it going? Tell me if you don't have a
question, tell me how you're doing in this process and where you might be freaking out or not. Cindy,
lovely. Thank you for being brave and going first. You're welcome. I'll ask a question because
I finished the dating one-on-one and I feel like, like I am honestly so busy. I could finish the
Hartford and I was at this place before I start her work. Like, I just, I don't know if I'm
Like I'm burnt out with online dating because I did it before I started the program.
I've been single for almost 15 years.
And so it's just, it's like, is God telling me it's just not the right time because it's
just not of interest right now?
Or it's like, cause I know I need to put myself out there.
I'm in very involved with a community group here in Houston, but I haven't finished all
of the different sessions.
So I guess my question is, do we need to finish all those before we like, I have one online
profile right now and I'm just like hardly ever on there.
Yeah.
It's really your comfort zone.
So people who, I would say this for people who feel like I'm so out of my game, I'm not
ready to start dating.
I have no idea how to do the app safely.
I would say watch the divine feminine, watch dating one-on-one, you know, watch the online
dating one and watch the boundaries one.
You can do all of those things before you go online, but some of the smaller things
that you can do, Cindy, between now and then, and I will say this too, you kind of have
to have grace for the online dating, right?
Like they're like, and it is okay.
Like I took a nine month hiatus from dating altogether in this program because last, about
a year and a half ago, my dad passed away very suddenly, unexpectedly.
It was a complicated relationship that brought complicated grief.
At the same time, my mom was actually separating from her second husband.
Cause see, here's what happens when you don't do heart healing.
She was married to my dad for 25 years, walked right into a marriage that was just like my
dad for another 25 years.
Finally had the guts at 80 years old ladies to leave his butt.
And but my mom was going through that divorce at the same time that dad died.
I just didn't have the, I didn't have the capacity or the space or the grace to date.
So I just stopped.
I took care of my family.
I do what I did, what I needed to do.
And then I kind of got it, got back in the game.
And so if you don't have the grace for doing the online thing, and that doesn't feel comfortable
right now, then don't do that.
Now you're in a community group, but it may not be yielding you a lot of single guys.
So you may want to think, what can I start doing to put me in the company where I might
bump into single men?
Like I was at like working out at home, I pay $10 a month to go work out at the planet
fitness.
Now I just got back from there.
It was mobbed with guys.
And I wanted to take a video to show you guys tonight.
So I'm like, if you've been working out at home, or if you've been working out at some
bougie little place with a bunch of cute other women, stop or add something like a planet
fitness, a YMCA, the local rec center.
That's where guys are working out.
They don't want to spend a lot of money and they don't need all the frills and the thrills.
I used to be a member at Lifetime Fitness, which is very bougie, very expensive, but
you want to know 90% of the dudes at Lifetime Fitness are married and they have 3.2 children.
So that's not where single dudes are going.
So be willing to go to the brass bar shop, be willing to go take some golf lessons, be
willing to grab a couple of girlfriends or take a book or not even take a book, go sit
at the bar of a sports bar during the day when there's a football game going on.
Be willing, go volunteer.
Our community in Nashville has a nonprofit called Hands on Nashville, and you can sign
up on any given day to go volunteer anywhere.
Here's where men go volunteer, the Red Cross, Habitat for Humanity, anything that's going
to be building, digging, grabbing, serving food for the homeless, going out at room at
the end when churches do like those donation collections.
That's the stuff that guys are going to volunteer, things that are going to, you know, things
that are going to kind of like be manly.
That's the stuff that they're going to do.
Don't go pick a hobby like needlepoint, go take, you know, I would let somebody told
me to take a cooking class, which would be lovely.
Now I've done cooking classes and you know, the men that show up there, they're gay.
They just are.
I mean, right.
Or their husbands, they're married.
Like I'm just start to, so start to think about what you're interested in.
Take a girlfriend, go bowling.
So that's what I encourage you to do, Cindy, is if you don't want to do the online dating
right now, think, do I want to hike, ski, like, you know, go on a ski trip, go on a
three day cruise.
Like what are you willing to do?
That's outside of what you would normally do.
That's going to put you in the thing.
And you guys just start talking to men everywhere you go.
So I'm sure, and I'm now using that to my advantage.
If I can't reach something on this shelf at the grocery store, I don't ask the girl.
No, like if there's a tall girl, I'm going to find the guy.
Now I don't worry.
if he's married or not, not my problem.
I'm just gonna be kind and friendly
because it's starting to teach me to be friendly and flirty.
When I'm at the gym, I can't,
like to do one of the pull down things,
I can't, if I got a chair,
like old me would pull the thing over,
stand on it to hook it on.
Heck no.
I make sure I find the cutest guy every time to ask,
can you put that up for me?
Thank you.
And because I don't know, sooner or later,
one of those guys is gonna be single.
So that's what this whole stage is.
So if that's all you do
until you finish watching everything, start doing that.
Start smiling to the guy holding the door open.
Let a guy, oh my gosh,
you guys try to make it look really obvious
that your hands are full.
Let him open the door for you.
Start to do that thing, girl.
So that's what I'm gonna encourage you to do.
Do what you have the grace to do right now.
And if nothing else, start getting out there
and being super friendly to everybody that you see.
All right.
That was good.
Thanks for asking that.
Hopefully that helped you.
Thank you.
You did.
All right.
Another brave thought, a brave question, clarifying.
Awesome.
Carol, did you have your hand up?
Yeah.
Yeah, I just wanted to say,
I appreciated the point about treat the date
like a girlfriend, just have fun, enjoy his company
because I have not dated for over 30 years
and because I was divorced in 2020.
And in 2022, I'm like, I think I'm ready.
I think I could, you know,
and a friend of mine, I actually did this.
I went and told certain people,
referral system at the recommendation of a friend of mine.
And she sent me, she asked, reached out
or I connected with a guy that she knew
and he was a Christian man, very nice.
And here's what I did.
Totally what, like, here's my list, you know,
and we had a call and we talked through everything.
And then we had another call
and we talked through everything.
And then it's like, should we have another call
or maybe we should meet.
And we had a coffee date and you know,
like just the things that we're not supposed to do, right?
We've all done it, girl.
I mean, I look back on those early dates,
tons of interviews.
Okay, well, and he was nice,
but there was a couple of things
that were a little too parallel with my ex
and I just couldn't do it.
And so that's kind of where I landed.
Maybe you could speak to that, but I have to tell you.
That's really good, Carol.
Cause here's the thing,
you are going to find similarities to your exes.
You just will, because some of the things
that attracted you to your exes weren't all bad.
They weren't all bad.
And so if he's, oh my gosh, he's got the same name.
Oh my gosh, he's as tall as he is.
Oh my gosh, he cuts his steak the same way.
Oh my gosh, he loves golf too.
Like chances are really high
that you are going to be attracted
and on dates with men that remind you of an ex.
That's where the hard work comes in
is you have to kind of recognize the trigger
and go, you know what?
I don't know enough about this person
to make this assessment yet.
But Carol, that's why having fun dates are important
because you need to find out.
So I don't want you to decide in the first date
that you don't, unless it's a glaring red flag.
So it might've just been a yellow, right?
You didn't know enough about that guy.
So that would have been what we would call a yellow flag.
So you get enough deposits of fun stuff
because you might've tried a few fun things about,
you know, with him.
And you were just like, you know what?
I just was kind of bored or he just wasn't intellectual.
And then you would have known you walked away from the date
because he just wasn't your guy.
Not because you might've been triggered
because he was too much like your ex.
Like, do you know what I'm saying?
So that's why we encourage you to have some fun dates
and get to know them.
And if you guys feel like that trigger come up,
like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh,
you simply just say to yourself, I don't know yet,
but that's the beauty of level two dating.
I don't have to decide.
I don't have to decide if I want to make out with him yet.
I don't have to decide if I'm going to marry him yet.
I'm just getting to know him.
And it's so outside of, you know, I kiss dating goodbye.
So many of us got really screwed up in that era too.
And so we don't even know how to go out on a date
with somebody one-on-one without it feeling like either,
like, and I don't know about you, but I used to think,
this is what I used to think.
Like, if I wanted to crawl across the table
and have sex with him, I'm like, oh my gosh.
Like, ah, like he's the guy, right?
We think that like that, it's that energy,
that chemistry, that chemistry.
And now we know in therapy and data will tell us that.
that attraction that you feel on that first date that that's that combustible, it is not
healthy.
There's nothing good about that.
Like the data has backed that up.
Like and if you're a people pleasing codependent caretaker like I am, if you walk in a bar,
the addict will find you.
It's like their energy is just attracted to you and there's like zoom.
And that's why you really also want to watch the boundaries one.
So if you, if you say Renee, Bethany, Carla, why am I still attracting the narcissist?
Why am I still attracting that narcissist?
Please watch the boundary video that I did because I really unpack that.
And when you guys get to phase three, phase three, when you get to phase three, there's
a three C a three point series teaching I did.
It's all on boundaries.
And I dig even further into that and we really unpack like you can attract a narcissist unless
you're still in your codependent people pleasing style.
That's the only way you still attract that.
If you become healthy with healthy boundaries, you might bump into the narcissist.
He might find you, but he's going to know he can't play you.
So it will, he will just repel from you.
So if we're drawing that personality style in, then there's something that we're still
doing.
That's kind of playing a part in it.
It's not our fault, but we're still kind of operating in a little bit of that role.
So if that's something you're worried about the boundary session, we'll kind of unpack
styles a little bit and that might help you there.
Great question, Carol.
Hopefully I answered it and just didn't vomit too much.
Elizabeth.
Yeah.
Thank you, Renee.
I guess just a brief comment.
You had mentioned like just like not being afraid to ask help from other men and like
looking them in the eye.
And I've noticed a real significant change in like before doing the heart work.
Like anytime I would receive help from another man, like at first of all, I wouldn't like
look him in the eye and I would feel like, like obligated to do something in return.
And I don't feel that anymore.
Like I went, I'm so excited.
I went on a date with this guy.
I had a blast.
He can hardly speak English and he bought me a present and I was just like, I felt so
blessed by getting, receiving the present and I didn't feel obligated to like continue
dating him or doing anything.
I could just say, thank you and just receive the blessing.
So the heart of work that, oh my gosh, Elizabeth, thank you so much for asking that or mentioning
that because somebody in the earlier class said she just grew up in the era.
She just didn't want men to feel like it was making her uncomfortable that men always have
to pay for the first day.
And like, when do you offer to split the bill?
And I, so I love that you learned that it's okay to receive graciously because ladies,
I bet you every single one of you on here, you are great givers.
You are great servants.
You serve and you give, like my mom is the best servant and the best giver on the planet.
She sucks at receiving.
She doesn't know how to let somebody just give her within then her feeling like she's
got to retaliate.
So like, and I'm like, mom, can't people just bless you?
You bless people all the time and you don't want anything in return.
And the minute people do it for you, you feel like you got to do something.
So I love that, that like, what a gift for you to receive that.
And we just have to believe you guys, if somebody does something for us and takes us out on
a nice date, and that's the other way that you can make sure that you're not feeling
like you're not taking advantage of a guy.
So some of you might think like, I don't like him having to pay all the bill.
I always ask what kind of first date he wants.
And I always offer free options.
I'm like, oh, we can just, you know, hit the Starbucks and go walk downtown and go window
shopping or we can go for a hike or we can.
So I always offer free options or very cheap options.
But if he's like, hey, well, we're going to go to like Ruth Chris or some like really
expensive restaurant, he's picking that, then that man can afford it and I'm going to let
him pay for it.
And I'm like, that's okay.
You know what?
When I was in the season of making a lot of money, I was very generous with people and
I took the bill a lot and people are like, you don't have to get the bill.
And I'm like, I know, but I just want to bless you.
And so it's okay for that.
If you start dating him long enough, how you will be able to reciprocate is I usually say,
you know, like if we're going on a picnic, well, let me take care of the food.
You're always the one, you know, buying dinner, you know, I'm a great cook.
Let's do something where I can prepare the food and bring it.
So that's how you can reciprocate.
reciprocate without, you know, or if you're on a date with him, like he brought you a gift, like say a guy takes you out on three or four dates and he mentions that he likes, um, you know, Oswald Chambers.
And so you pick up the devotional for him and you're like, oh my gosh, you know what?
You mentioned you like this and I saw this and I just thought I would pick it up.
You also don't, I mean, so that gift giving goes in return, right?
Like it could be just like, I want to just thank you.
It's been so nice getting to know you and I don't know where this is going to go or if it's not going to go anywhere at all.
But I just got this for you cause I was thinking about you and I just wanted to say thank you.
Like how awesome that we can be kind, that we can just be kind to one another.
Um, so what a great, thank you for bringing that up.
All right.
Somebody else had their hand raised earlier.
All right, Carolyn, you want to go?
Sorry.
You're good.
Hi.
Hey, um, I don't know.
I've been having like the weirdest, uh, time with this course right now.
Just cause like, I feel pretty confident with all of like online dating, but I, what I'm frustrated with is I just don't know how to attract like the type of man that I want.
Like I keep getting them and they're like here.
I'm like, if I feel like I'm like, this is where I'm aiming for.
And I was like trying to live my life this way.
And this is what shows up and this is what shows up, you know?
And I'm like, I have no problem getting a date.
So you have, I just have a problem with, I have a problem with having like men that are around me actually wanting to like date me like in real life as opposed to like, I have no problem with getting people interested online.
Right.
So you're like, yeah, well, cause you're cute and you're pretty and you're probably nice.
And so you don't know how to get a date.
Um, so are online, are you feeling like you're not attracting your caliber?
And when you say caliber, cause that's what you're kind of referencing here.
Cause I feel you girl.
Like, I think last week I taught you all that I need brain sex.
And so like, you can't be stupid.
Yeah, I can relate to this.
Somebody was like, I've never heard that phrase before.
There's actually a very appropriate term for it.
Sapio.
And when a guy, when a guy put on his profile, I thought he meant the sex version.
And I was like, and then I looked it up.
I'm like, oh, he likes brain sex.
Um, so, okay.
Yeah.
So you're not attracting that online or in person.
So tell me, what do you think, um, is up with that?
Like, have you had anybody give you feedback that know you in real life?
Like, do they say I'm off smart, too smart?
Like, do you, I mean, I am, I'm really smart.
I lead a lot in my community.
I I've had friends tell me that I'm really intimidating and I'm like, that's great.
I don't know what to do about that.
Okay.
So I hear that all the time too.
So here's how I try to lower that.
Cause it's interesting.
I was watching somebody else kind of say this.
When you are a strong, capable, smart woman, you're either going to attract this,
which you just described because he's going to be enamored by this, right?
But you're going to get bored really quickly, or you're going to attract this.
And that's the narcissist.
Cause he's the only one strong.
I get those too.
So he's the only one strong enough to come and get at you.
So what you need to learn how to do is find a way to soften this, to attract this guy.
So you're not attracting this guy.
Cause he's intimidated by you.
This schlep down here.
You're like, how does he have the guts to ask me out?
Cause he could, he's got nothing to lose.
This guy ain't got nothing to lose.
So he's going to like, ask you out.
Cause he's like dying to ask you.
He's like, ah, whatever.
All the girls say no to me.
I knew I'm just going to aim high.
But this guy is the one that's intimidated.
And so he's trying to attract.
So you kind of have to knock it down a little bit.
So it's the subtle things.
So you have to do it in a way I'm still work.
Clearly I'm still working on that too.
So I say to folks, oh, I used to work at a nonprofit.
I don't say anymore.
Oh, I was the CEO of a nonprofit.
Um, I, you know, like I had a married guy say this to me once.
He's like, you know, Renee, cause I was running marathons at the time.
He's like, when you meet a guy, just say you run.
Don't say you just finished your sixth marathon.
And so don't always have the first answer in the room.
Um, if something is going on at church, don't always rise to be the leader.
You know, find ways to not take charge.
charge all the time.
And I say that really delicately because, and I think that's, did you watch the Divine
Feminine?
I'm going, that's my next video.
Okay.
I was doing what you said, which is not watching them all at once.
So.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're fine.
I'm just going to say, because she really kind of unpacks the seven traits of what a
divine feminine is.
And so she kind of tackles this topic, you know, but I will say this.
She's a strong gal like, and she's very strong and she could be really intimidated in it.
I've actually met, you know, David in person.
They actually got together because they were neighbors and they were friends first.
I always wonder, you know, how he would have responded to her on a blind first date.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Like he might, you know, because she's strong, but like he had a chance to get to know her
as a friend and a neighbor and the mother of the girls and his daughter, they were all
hanging out.
And so it allowed him to kind of see that soft side of her because she has a very, very,
you know, very, like all of us strong women have soft sides, especially when we feel safe.
And so we have to do what we can to show up feeling safe.
It's almost like I do better when I go do a yoga class or a workout class before I go
out on a date or to an event because my energy is a little lower and my energy a little lower
is still high energy.
It's just not as high.
So that might be my encouragement to you, Carolyn.
I'm so glad this is actually going to be on the tape because I'm too intimidating.
Men are afraid of me is a very common, very common thing, especially, like I said, I feel
like that when that was explained to me that like that really kind of clicked for me.
And I'm like, God, why am I not finding this guy?
Okay, I've got to find now and you've got to be careful not to do it too much.
Like there was this guy that I was dating long distance.
He saw my picture on single nation and he was clearly like I knew in one video conversation,
he was the B personality type B. I'm type A and he was type B. And so I thought this
is perfect though.
He's going to like, he'll be my calm.
And so I reined me in, but we did, he was very long distance.
So we did a lot of video dates, but it allowed me to be like, like I would literally go do
like meditation before I got on.
So like I could show up really low, but as the weeks went by, my friends were like, you're
not you anymore.
Like they were like, you're coming down too low.
Like you're like, and I realized I wasn't being completely authentic and, or because
it was kind of going over seven weeks, I should have started to reveal myself more and more
like unpack a little bit more of me.
So he had a chance to kind of see that growth.
Probably what happened is I stayed so low that I was starting to get antsy and frustrating.
And he was probably starting to feel the frustration.
And I'm like, dude, it's been seven weeks.
Like chop, chop.
We've got to meet now.
Fly your butt down here.
Come see me.
Like, I mean, that's kind of where I got to.
And he was like, that didn't work.
So you don't want to rein it in too much because you will either explode or implode and you
don't want to do that either.
But it is trying to think about how do I come in softer?
So if you have that strong personality, really pay attention to the Divine Feminine video
and that, and really kind of tap into that.
And, but it is, it is hard.
And I will say this, it's been really humbling.
Like I used to run this nonprofit for 20 years and the last three contracts that I've had,
I'm now doing full-time contract work while I start seminary.
And God has had a funny sense of humor with me.
She is the third woman in a row that I've done contract work who is as strong of a personality
as myself.
And I'm like, Oh, that's what it's like to work with me.
Oh, that's what it's like.
So I've almost watched myself in the women that I've been working with and it's not bad,
but it's making me have some empathy for like how much I need to really kind of not be all
on all the time.
So I, we didn't talk about this at all in the first session.
I just, I feel like this is going to be important for people because I think this community
draws in a lot of strong women who have great careers.
They've been the powerhouse.
They've been the good mom.
They've taken care of their kids.
They're empty nesters.
They're like, they're, they're ready to get their game on.
And you might find a hard.
time getting those dates going than somebody who's a little bit more meek and mild.
And so, I'm glad you brought that up.
I hope that has helped you a little bit to consider.
Awesome.
Elizabeth, did you have a question again?
Is your hand still up?
I did have something to share, but I don't have the opportunity.
So, I've been kind of keeping this on the back burner, but it's kind of vulnerable
for me to share.
It's a bit of a situationship, but at the same time, I am so open for whatever outcome
God has.
Okay, so what initially happened, I had this friend last year, and then doing the heart
work, it was kind of like, well, in my conversations with God, it was like, well, God, I keep attracting
these jerks, these narcissistic traits.
I'm like, God, show me what it looks like practically, and I'll just be real and share.
He flooded me with these memories of my friend from last year, and I just started crying
because I was like, oh my goodness.
So, I prayed about it.
I reached out to him, as you guys say, drop the hanky.
We have definitely a foundation of friendship, but that's a topic that I believe he would
try to escape, avoid.
So there's been no response, and I still have peace in my heart.
So I'm just trusting God, if it's me, that it'll wrap back around and just continue dating
other men and getting to know other men as I wait.
That's perfect.
You know what?
Even if you're not actually, because some of you are going to be like, Renee, I don't
have the time or capacity.
I'm a single mom.
I got to get a sitter.
I don't have the time and capacity to date seven different guys at the same time.
No one is saying that you actually have to do that, but it's having that posture of being
open to it, and I think that's what you were talking about, Elizabeth.
So it's like, because if you're like, because let's face it, if you go on a diet and you're
like, I'm not going to have any chocolate, all you start seeing is chocolate everywhere
you go.
It's like, you see the one thing you can't have.
And so that's what it is.
If there's this one guy that we're kind of interested in, he's just like right there,
and I just can't see anything else.
But if I have the posture that I'm going to be open to any other guys that God might bring
my way, it means I can put hot dude over here.
I'm not getting rid of them, but I just got to get out of my range of vision so I can
start being open to other things.
That's actually going to make us more attractive to actually reel him back in anyway.
I mean, good old Kate Milton got dumped by Prince William.
We all know that she got dumped by him and she cried her little buckets out until she
realized I need to have a life.
And it wasn't until she started going out again that he like swooped back in.
I even went on a date with one of his friends, so I do have an open heart posture.
Good.
And I said this at the beginning and I said this at the last session, and Jackie always
says this too.
It's always important to remember, you guys, like we are not God, we can't mess this up.
Like if God has somebody for us, and I will say this, I'm a believer now that God has
more than one person for us.
He has a lot of possibilities for us.
We live in a world of free will.
God wants us to freely choose our career, our destiny, and the things that we do.
I don't think he only has one plan for us.
I think he has gifted us so talented that we could do a number of things and do them
with excellence.
And I'm like, all right, here's all the things Renee can do.
I'm going to kind of see what she does with it.
Here are the guys that Renee would be best suited for.
Because if there were only one career, only one destiny, only one guy, we would both have
to do it right the whole time to get together.
And you guys, I have seen some of the godliest marriages.
Like there was this one, when I was on staff at the church, there was this couple, they
were married 50 years.
She died of cancer.
I'm not kidding.
Less than two years later, that stinker, he managed to find another amazing woman so fast.
I'm like, oh my gosh, she was also amazing.
And it just goes to show you that God can bring more than one person into your life.
And so if it's not this guy, Elizabeth, it's going to be a guy.
You can't mess it up.
God's going to, we just have to trust that.
And I think, for those of us.
that are boss babes and powerful, strong women,
we have been the controllers of our life.
And this was really hard for me because,
and I told you that my relationship with my dad
was complicated.
He was not there financially, emotionally, spiritually
as a leader, not in the home, not in the family,
not in the marriage, he just wasn't.
He is healed and restored on the other side.
So when I get to see him in heaven,
I get to see that redeemed person
and I'm excited to meet that person.
But all that to say, I started working
by the time I was 12 years old.
I'm a Gen X-er, I was babysitting other babies
by the time I was 12, it's really crazy.
And so I put myself through college
and then I ran a company for 20 years.
I haven't had to be submissive under a guy,
like practically never in my life.
And so it's gonna really,
so God's been really kind of teaching me
to kind of fall into that submissive.
So if you kind of fallen into that role,
you might think you're the ones that have to control
your entire dating life.
And so that's where Jackie says,
give the pen back to God, give the pen back to God,
give the pen back to God.
So if you start to in this phase,
start to go crazy going, what do I need to do?
What do I need to do?
Maybe you're supposed to do nothing.
Like maybe it's do nothing,
especially for those that are overachievers.
Now, for those of you that have sat on the couch
and in the waiting room,
you might be called to do something.
So don't hear, oh good, Renee just said
I get to eat bonbons and watch Netflix.
That's not what I said.
I'm specifically talking to the people who do too much.
You need to rein it in.
But for those of you that aren't doing enough,
you have to get off the couch.
Oh good, Tricia.
I love it.
I never know what I'm gonna say in these sessions.
And so I always feel like Holy Spirit shows up
and you guys get to hear exactly
what you're supposed to hear.
Maria.
You mentioned earlier that you are in ministry
and so I have my own ministry.
I tend to be afraid to mention it
because it's a soul care ministry
that helps women who are survivors
of childhood sexual abuse, which is my testimony.
And I have a published book and I'm a speaker.
And so I'm not popular by any means,
but it's out there and I've been on TV interviews
and stuff, but is it okay to not disclose that?
Yeah, I mean, same in all of that.
I have a book out, I do podcasts, I do interviews.
If they Googled me enough,
like if all you have to do is type in Renee in Nashville
and you can find about me pretty darn quickly.
So I don't disclose all of that.
I say things like, oh, you know, I do some writing
and I do some speaking.
What about, you know, just about, I would pick a word.
You could just say, you know, it could be about redemption.
I just, you know, I speak on redemption.
So mine is, I speak on hope.
That's as much information as I give about it.
I speak on hope.
You know, I speak, you know, you're like, I speak on,
you know, I just, you know, I do some ministry.
I do some ministry and some writing and speaking
on the topic of, you know, restoration.
What, oh, tell me more about that.
You know what, there's plenty of time
for me to tell you all about that.
You know, it's, you know, it's deeply personal
and, you know, I'll be happy to share that
at a more appropriate time.
That's how I would say it.
So you're kind of not denying a very big part of you.
Because if I, because if you didn't disclose it at all,
Maria, you would not be authentic, right?
And so, because I have met some men
who didn't know any of that.
But then when they met, I used to joke, it's like,
oh, I started dating this guy,
but then he met Hope Clinic Renee
and then Hope Clinic Renee scared the crap out of him.
Like, so I just, I learned,
like, I don't wanna lead with it,
but I can't hide it either.
And he needs to be okay with that.
And so you're gonna want a tender heart.
You're gonna want somebody who's got a tender heart
that's gonna support that.
So I think that's how I would say,
and I would keep it really simple.
And you guys, that's true for any topic.
Why did you get divorced?
Why are you still single, Renee?
Why did you never get married?
You know what, that's a great question.
My short answer is this.
I always say my short answer is this.
You know, like my short answer is
I had a complicated relationship with my dad.
That is all you guys know about it.
You guys don't, like, I don't owe you the entire story.
And that is true.
You know what, the short answer is,
you know, sometimes I make great choices
and sometimes he, you know,
sometimes I didn't make great choices,
but I'm really thankful
that I'm in a season of my life right now
that I can really kind of go all in and find my person.
Like, so that's how I answer,
why did you never get married?
Like, I used to feel really guilt
and shame and embarrassed about it.
Now I'm just like, you know what?
At this point, all I'll share is that, you know,
sometimes I made great choices and sometimes I didn't.
I'm just really blessed that God really.
realized my singleness and other areas of my life as a coach and as a mentor and, you
know, kind of working in ministry, but now I'm really excited that the focus is kind
of back on me and I really have the time to put into a relationship like I've never had
before. So I'm super excited about this phase. That sounds really different. I've given you
a window to that answer. And for those of you that are single parents, you might feel
like I don't want to tell them all about my children. You know, I have kids like I, I
will say this. I think it's weird when people don't mention if they have kids when you're
first meeting. It just, to me, it's like a big thing to not disclose. Like, you know,
I do have kids, you know, I have kids that still live at home. I can talk to you more
about them at another time. You haven't mentioned if it's boys, girls, the age now. And so you
guys get to share as much as you want. You're always allowed to say, here's the short answer.
I'll be happy to tell you more as we get to know each other. That's a great way to
not, cause I think it's almost weird when we be like, oh, I can't answer that question.
It's too soon. That just feels a little like push. And so I want to try not to push back
on them too much, but I definitely want to go yet. No, I'm not going to tell that to
like, all right, that's good. Anyone last question. It's right at the top of the hour.
So I'm not going to force you all to stay. But I did want to make sure everybody had
a chance to ask a question. How long does this meeting go? Well, Margaret, I'm getting
ready to close shop. So there you go, girlfriend. I just wanted to make sure, okay, well, we
have no more questions. Awesome. Well, you guys, I'm so excited that we got to spend
some time together tonight and keep watching the videos. These check-ins are for you. So
whatever questions you have during the week, write them down, come ready to ask them. If
you see somebody else write something in the post and you're like, oh my gosh, I didn't
think about that. Feel free to bring that up too. Like if you see other people saying
stuff and it adds confusion, feel free to ask for clarification here. So this is your
time to use it however you want to do it. So I'm super excited for y'all. Have a great
week, be blessed and go have a good day. Even if you only take yourself out on a date, take
yourself out on a date. Bye you guys.