Okay, so it is the top of the hour and I want to honor y'all for coming on time.
Thank you, Bethany for hooking me up. So we are also live on Facebook, if you are catching this on Facebook, the zoom link is also in the comment field make sure you join us live so I can get to your questions.
It's a little bit harder for me to see questions from the Facebook feed, so glad you are all here. And hopefully some of you will take yourself off and put the camera on so I can see your pretty little faces.
Thank you. Otherwise I just feel like I'm talking to myself and that's no fun.
All right, girls, okie dokie. Okay, I'm looking at the names here.
And I have been. So I'm just I'm wanting you to have any of you guys not posted anything in phase two yet you are just scrolling around in the bleacher seats, and you're observing with popcorn but you've not engaged.
Okay, so, okay. All right, Mandy thanks for confessing, I appreciate that.
And you get it's funny because the most common question people want when they hear Jackie do a challenge is, I want you to be my coach, I want to get one on one coaching.
In theory, we actually offer that right here. We offer that in the Facebook feed for you guys to plop in comments. Bethany always reads them her team reads them and Jackie herself sometimes reads them in comments.
We also have check ins we have them at one o'clock, and we have them in the evening, you know, every week.
So this is really your chance to go hey, I have a question, and you get to tell us your stuff and you literally get one on one coaching right back to you.
The difference is, you have maybe 12 other witnesses to your one on one coaching, which is actually really great because it kind of holds you accountable because you can't ever say, I didn't know that, because then Shannon can go, Oh, Mandy Renee told you that
last week so she totally knows. And so, not only does the group coaching help because you hear questions. And sometimes I don't know about you but I learned just as much listening to other people's stories as my own I'm like, Oh yeah, that's so me too.
So you have a chance to learn. And sometimes when you hear your own situation and somebody else's mouth. It's so much clear right like when you're putting up a post and you're like trying to explain a situation and everyone else is like girl drop them or girl that's a red flag or Oh my gosh he's so amazing why don't you give him a chance.
It seems so obvious when it's somebody else's story. And that's what starts to happen when you read other people's stories or listen to other people's stories, it starts to help you in a way it's very much like a 12 step meeting it kind of you're like, Oh, that's what that looks like that's what that sounds like that's, that's what I sound like.
It does help you get a good perspective so I hope you guys I know it's not always a pain to be on social media and Facebook and I know we're working on moving to an app soon.
But right now we're stuck on Facebook but this was really a great opportunity for you to be a part of this community and sisterhood in a way that's going to help you and bless you in your journey.
For the most part, many of us complained about the same thing before we got into this program that none of our married friends understood how we felt that so many of them have been married for so long, their advice was really, it was either cliche.
It was patronizing it was pitying it was every version of what did not make you feel good. And the good news is you're in a community of people who understand exactly how you are feeling.
So this is the place to ask the questions, nothing you can say will shock us and shame us, we've been there seen it done it all. I ran a pregnancy center for 20 years, I promise you, there's nothing I haven't heard so you can tell me you slept with the Pope and I will
not blink and I neither will Jackie, we're just going to walk you through it.
And I just really want you guys to take advantage of that so I'm going to go through some housekeeping items. And then I'm going to read you a couple things because I really try to pay attention to what you guys are saying in phase two, and I'm also in the middle
of the mating season myself so I'm trying to go like what was it like for me when I first started and what do I, what are the themes I see resonating and Bethany and I usually check in to make sure we're kind of on the same page with what we see kind of resonating in your hearts.
So the first thing I want to remind you is to just pace yourself. I know that it seems really hard. I mean, it's wonderful and excruciating when Jackie post all these engagement photos you're like, Whoa, it happened for her it happened for her.
But there's a part of you that's like, and it's not me. Right. And it's still not me like oh my gosh, what is she doing, like oh my gosh he joined the program after me.
What the heck is she doing getting married and I'm still single.
And so it's really easy, and especially when you hear the phrase last year, single, it's
really easy to kind of get on this, you know, this Ferris wheel or this, you know, kind
of wheel trying to speed up and catch up with everybody else.
And so I really want to encourage you to go at the pace that you're supposed to go at.
We usually say in phase two, it's a video a week.
Some of you are going to watch them faster.
Some of you are going to watch them slower.
It's all good.
Like you go at the pace and the way we're having folks come in in this one call, I might
have folks that I've seen all four videos that we have or none of the videos.
And so just remember to just pace yourself at the pace that God has for you.
Don't try to speed up.
I've already encouraged you to try to stay present.
Now, I'm not asking you to be an addict on Facebook.
I'm not asking you to be on this page three hours a day.
Heck no.
I need you out there dating and going to meet people in real life.
And so if you're on your phone and you're on Facebook, then you're not going to meet
people.
So that's not going to really help you.
So I really want you to get out there.
But I do want you to check in.
Obviously every Monday, you're going to get a roll call or Monday or Tuesday, you're going
to get the roll call post that says, how are you doing?
Show up, give an answer, give a win and a loss.
Like tell us what's going well and tell us what's not going well.
Read each other's posts, cheer each other on, learn from each other.
That's why I really want to encourage you to kind of be engaged and also share with
us what's going on.
It is so easy for you guys to do the hard work, have a couple of cool dates.
You go off and you go date not in community and you don't tell us what's going on and
we can't help you walk through it.
Then you come back and all of a sudden you're like engaged and you've known him two weeks
or like there's red flags flying everywhere and you give us this dossier of what's happened
and we can't even keep up because it's just so much and we're like, I'm sorry, when did
you start talking to him?
Like we're supposed to give you advice and you just vomited on us and we really can't
even keep up because your head is swirling so much that that's how the post is going.
So really try to give an update every single week.
Even if it's like, Hey, I've got nothing to report.
It snowed in my town and I shoveled for three hours.
I don't really care.
Like just let us know how you're doing.
Let us know how we can be praying for you guys.
You guys, this community is amazing.
You will start to notice as you go through the phases that literally all over the country,
we meet up with each other.
I was, I'm in Nashville.
One of my dearest friends is in New Jersey.
We've known each other for two years, have not met in person.
I happen to be home in Connecticut for the holidays.
She went from New Jersey to Vermont or somewhere and we realized she was going to pass my mom's
exit on the way home and we're like, Oh my gosh.
And so we got to meet in real life and it was so much fun.
I have another girl who actually needed a place to stay.
I was on a business trip.
She was going to be in Nashville.
She was also my friend in this community.
Y'all, she needed a place to stay in Nashville.
I let her stay in this place.
I left a key under the mat for her before I met her in person.
That's crazy.
But that's what happens in this sisterhood.
So I'm really going to encourage you to enjoy this sisterhood.
Like it is like no other.
You guys, we all have a mean girl story.
We've all been screwed over by women.
We've all played the comparison game with women.
Gosh, I'm not as tall as her.
I'm not as cute as her.
I'm not as outgoing as her.
I'm not as thin as her.
That should not be the case here.
This is a community of women that is here to cheer you on.
And we actually mean that.
Gail is in New Jersey.
She is a sweet woman.
She's got gray hair.
She prays every single morning and she does all these little drawings.
But there's a lot of people in New Jersey, so she's not the only one.
And so I just, I really want you to encourage you to stay in the game here and stay involved
with this community.
It is a special, special, special, Holy Spirit filled community.
So that's what I'm going to also say to you.
The next thing I want to say is, and this is really important, you guys, and I said
this in the first class and it really resonated with a lot of people.
When we date healthy, after heart work, it should look different.
It should feel different.
It shouldn't exhaust you.
I don't care how long you're doing it.
I don't care how many bozos you meet.
I don't care how many scammers show up, how many times you get ghosted.
If you date with a heal and hold heart, then your identity should be set in Christ.
And so I'm going to read you some lyrics to a song because this song makes me weep.
And you guys, everything I'm telling you is advice.
I promise you I've walked through all of it.
I usually give advice on what not to do because I've done it all wrong.
So like, don't like, obviously I'm still figuring it out too.
You get to walk it out with me and I get to walk it out with you.
So I didn't get to marry my next door neighbor like Jackie did.
So like, that's not how it's happening for me.
So I'm slogging it out with y'all and I'm trying to figuring it out.
But I will say my dating life in the last two years has utterly changed.
I probably have been on 50 first dates.
That's more dates than I've had in my entire life.
Like I am, I've enjoyed getting to know who I am,
other, who other people are.
I don't interview them on dates.
And so it's been a great discovery.
And I no longer care in the beginning
what men think about me.
And I'm able to really just show up and just enjoy myself
and not have to like school them or teach them
or shame them if they're behaving inappropriate.
I can just move on.
So this is an older song.
It's not older.
I don't know how old it is.
It might be a few years old.
It's written by Hawk Nelson.
It's called Live Like You're Loved.
And so I really, even if you just,
this is, oh, Hunter, are you a guy, Hunter?
Because if you're a guy, you need to get off here.
Did he get off?
And he did.
What the Hunter?
Sweet Hunter.
You'll meet Hunter.
I don't know how Hunter got his hands.
Hunter's special.
You'll meet Hunter in phase three.
He's a sweet boy.
I don't know how the heck he got his hands on this link.
Sweet Jesus.
Okay, here we go.
Live Like You're Loved.
Live Like You're Loved by Hawk Nelson.
You are not the only one who feels this way.
Feeling like you lose more than you win.
Like life is just an endless hill you climb.
You try and you try, but never arrive.
I'm telling you something, this race, this running,
oh, you're working way too hard.
And this perfection you're chasing,
it's just energy wasting.
Because he loves you like you are loved.
So go ahead and live like you're loved.
It's okay to act like you've been set free.
His love has made you more than enough.
So go ahead and be who he made you to be
and live like you're loved.
Live like you know you're valuable.
Like you know the one that holds your soul.
His mercy has called you by name.
Don't be afraid to live in that grace.
I'm telling you something, this God we believe in,
yes, he changed everything.
No more guilt, no more shame.
He took all of that away and he gave us a reason to sing.
So go ahead and live like you're loved.
It's okay to act like you've been set free.
His love has made you more than enough.
So go ahead and be who he has made you to be
and live like you're loved.
Stand like you know he made you to be,
live like you're loved, like you believe.
His love is all that you'll ever need.
So go ahead and live like you're loved.
His love has made you more than enough.
And so you guys, I really, I want you to date like that.
Remember Jackie would say, the guy, the spirit mate,
he's the cherry on the cake.
And so we cannot be dating in this season,
expecting him to make us feel loved, valued and worthy.
God's already decided that we are loved,
valued and worthy so much that he sent his son.
And I was saying this this afternoon
and I'll say it again to you guys here.
It's like, we trust God with our salvation,
but we don't trust him with our finances sometimes.
Like we look at the spreadsheet, I'm a spreadsheet girl.
And I'm like, okay, God, the numbers aren't adding up.
I don't see it, but I trust you with my salvation.
God, I haven't really had a good date in a long time.
I feel like I don't have a love story.
You have a love story for everybody else.
Clearly I'm supposed to be left alone.
I don't, I trust him with where I'm gonna spend eternity.
You guys think about that.
We trust him with eternity.
We trust that he's gonna bring us home,
but we don't trust him with our dating life.
So we have to live like we're loved.
We have to, so I just want you to kind of embody that
as you go into this dating phase.
Because one of the things that, you know,
Bethany wanted me to make sure is that you guys,
we want you to enjoy this process.
We want you to get out of your heads
and we want you to sit in the pocket
of what it means to be divine feminine.
If you have not yet watched that video,
you're gonna be excited to watch it.
I loved it.
For those of you that feel like you're too meek and mild,
it's gonna encourage you to embrace the softness
that you already are.
For those of us that are loud and proud boss babes,
it's gonna help us kind of know
how God wants to celebrate our giftedness
while bringing it to its soft side as well.
And so there's areas for us to either grow up
into that divine feminine,
and there's ways that we can soften that.
And so that's a really, really good teaching
for you guys to do.
Obviously, I'm gonna kind of remind you real quick.
Dating 101 is probably the first video
we talk about the levels.
Unless you guys are in a one-on-one committed relationship,
you are in what's called discovery dating.
And I like to remind folks that in the discovery dating,
you should be watching all levels of intimacy.
If you've got a pen, write this word down.
It's an acronym.
It's PIES, P-I-E-S, PIES.
So some of you are being really good
with securing your intimacy.
Say you're holding it back in discovery dating in some areas of your life, but not all areas.
Guess what the P stands for?
Physical.
In discovery dating, ladies, we should be at most hugging, maybe a little side hug,
maybe a peck on the cheek.
If sexual sin, if, you know, having sex too quickly before it's in a committed relationship,
if that is an area you have struggled in, you guys keep your dates public.
It's really that simple.
If you think he's hot and you're horny and he's a great kisser, I'm suggesting don't
bring him back to your house.
Like at my age, I've learned if all those things are in play, the kitchen's not a safe
place in my house.
So do not tempt faith.
And physical intimacy, you guys, and I used to, you know, run a clinic.
So I still love teaching the sex and healthy relationship education to the middle school,
high school and young adults.
And I'm like, so let's not behave like teenagers.
You guys, we're all adult women.
Making sexual comments is called sexting.
That's still not protecting your intimacy.
Sending new photos and or videos is still not that.
So if that is happening to you and guys are sending suggestive material to you, you're
done.
You got to cut it off.
That guy is not a good guy for you.
Remember the three M's that Jackie encourages us to look for when we're dating men.
We're not 22 anymore, right?
So we are looking for masculine, mature, marriage minded men.
And so masculine, mature, marriage minded men are not going to send you photos.
They're not going to ask you for photos.
They're not going to be sexually inappropriate.
They're not going to say things to you like, you know, I got divorced because my first
wife didn't like sex.
And I like a lot of sex, dude, I've had a guy say that to me on my first day, but bye.
Okay.
I just did the P so P is physical.
So I'm really driving this home because I've read some of the comments y'all.
And some of y'all are, are not managing your physical boundaries with guys.
So we want to nail this down.
Remember we want to find our spirit mate, not our soulmate.
Our spirit mate means that we're going to, we're going to connect in the heart and the
mind and the spirit first, then the physical.
If you lead with the physical, it's going to topple over.
The second letter is the I intellectual.
Now it's, it, it's really hard.
Like I'm like a brain girl, but you want to make sure that the person you're talking to
in those early dates that you're not letting them into your soul.
As far as your intellect, you can share smart information and kind of quiz each other on
that.
But I'm like, I'm talking about your deepest, darkest thoughts and secrets.
They do not, they do not get that information in the texting, the video chat, and the first
three to four dates.
They are not getting your deep, darkest thoughts.
The E for Pies is emotional, and you want to make sure you're not getting emotionally
attached to the guys that you are talking to early on.
Now for those of us that are caretakers, therapists, school teachers, medical personnel, or in
social services, we attract that like a magnet.
We're so good at getting people to vomit their personal stuff really fast.
It makes us good at our job.
I have learned it doesn't make us healthy in dating relationships because we can't help
ourselves.
Like you guys, like I'll talk to a stranger and they're like, oh my gosh, I don't know
why I can tell you this.
And they just tell me everything.
And I'm like, oh my God, I'm not a therapist.
Why are you giving me this information?
I don't know what to do with it.
And but in ministry, it works really well.
But if a guy does it to us too quickly, our nurturing gift turns into caretaking gift.
And the minute we turn a nurturing gift into a caretaking gift with a guy we barely know,
we are not going to be able to have an equal footing in that relationship.
It's going to be really hard for us to turn that caretaking therapist role off.
And sooner or later, we're going to be actually really disappointed in him.
And we're going to start to be judgy McJudgy or he starts to get healthy, but now he realizes
he's dumped all that personal garbage on you and now he's embarrassed.
And so he might pull away.
So it actually never serves us well to get too emotionally attached.
And you guys, that means we're not supposed to be sharing our stuff.
I don't care how cute and pretty is.
I don't care how much like the stars are connecting, because like sometimes Jackie will always
tell us this, like, oh, my gosh, but we had this connection right away.
Well, we have learned the science has told us that sometimes when you have that connection
right away.
Yeah, that's not a healthy connection.
Like you shouldn't have sparks of flying on the first day.
Like we want to crawl across the table with a guy you barely know and be like, we got
to get it on.
Probably not a healthy day.
The codependent and the alcoholic in a bar will find each other every single time.
There's like this energy shift.
And so if you have been the codependent, you will attract the narcissist.
If you've been the caretaker, you will attract the victim.
So we kind of have to put those.
that's off in those early dates to just get to know them.
So I just want to encourage that.
So then S is spiritual.
Now for some of you, Jesus loving girls,
and I love me some Jesus too.
That's why Jackie cautions too much
talking about faith or praying together.
Praying together is a pretty intimate act.
Now I know people on the street will sometimes pray
over a complete stranger, but we're not talking about that.
So you have to really guard how much Jesus you bring
into those early discovery dating.
Just like physical, it can be kind of like a drug.
It can be like, oh my gosh, he quoted from scripture
and he prayed over me and at the end of our date,
he laid hands on me.
Like that's all great y'all,
but that's like bringing a lot of intimacy into the table.
And for some of you who are really Jones in for that,
you might get as turned on by that
as the person who's gonna get too turned on
by cuddly McDreamy.
And so we just really want to make sure
in those early dating seasons, you watch your pies,
your intimacy, physical, intellectual,
emotional, and spiritual.
So I really kind of wanted to drive that home
because I've seen that kind of go awry in some of your areas.
Okay, let's see.
I already told you about that.
Okay, watch the Ask Jackie.
If you have not seen the Ask Jackie from yesterday,
she did a great Ask Jackie.
So she does an Ask Jackie probably once a month.
You never know when she's gonna do it.
So you just have to be okay with that.
But there is an Ask Jackie Google Doc form to fill out.
I believe it's in your guides.
I don't remember which guide number it is,
but look in your guides.
It is somewhere on that list.
Carolyn, thank you for writing it all down.
I appreciate you doing that.
It is somewhere in that guides
and it's just a Google form.
You can click on it and ask a question.
Now I will say this,
if it's a question where you need an immediate answer,
I would not wait for Ask Jackie
because you're not sure when she's gonna get to it.
So that would be a great time to put it in your newsfeed
or bring it to this weekly check-in.
So you have three places where you can ask questions.
Ask Jackie, the newsfeed,
or you can come here to ask your questions.
But it's a great episode.
I encourage you to watch it.
Even if it's not your question being answered,
you guys tend to start,
we all tend to start to have the same kind of questions
over and over again,
and you'll start to learn her answers.
And you're like, ah, wow,
that so applies to me and my situation,
even though my situation is a little bit differently.
Okay.
The other little topic that Bethany wanted me to cover
was long-distance dating.
So long-distance dating is really hard.
It is not for the faint of heart.
One of two things can usually happen
with long-distance dating.
It either gets hot and heavy really quick
and it flames out,
or it goes and then it starts to stall.
And it usually will start to stall,
or it even flames out
because you don't meet in person soon enough.
So the truth is that it can go vroom,
that can happen,
or that it's going, it's going,
and then it just starts to wane.
Both of those happen when you don't meet in person enough.
So our general rule of thumb
is you try to keep your video dates to about an hour.
Anything longer than that,
it's really too easy to just start vomiting
and sharing every personal detail about your life
because you've got this undivided attention with somebody.
And sometimes they're tired.
So then the next video chat,
it moves from the counter to the living room,
to the bedroom.
And all of a sudden they're in bed talking to you.
And then it's like pillow talk.
And they're like, oh baby,
all right, let's just keep talking.
Like I'm going to put you to bed right next to me.
Girls, I've done this.
I know, I know.
And it's like, it's all just magical.
And then you meet in person
and it doesn't always connect, didn't register.
And then it's awkward
because one of you is still really into it
and the other person's not.
And you're like, eh, not so much.
Or you're both not into it
or you're both so into it
that it's going to be too hard to be like,
oh, too much on the first date.
So we really recommend keeping those video dates
to about an hour.
Do fun things with them.
Take them on a walk, play a board game,
cook a dinner together.
Try not to just do an interviewing across
because it's really hard to not do that.
The other thing that we encourage
is within six video dates or six weeks, you book a visit.
You cannot keep meeting longer than six weeks
without getting to see each other.
Now, if you guys are not in the same country,
that might be a little bit more difficult,
but you really need to be going at it
with the intention of we're going to meet face-to-face.
And I think ladies, we need to be clear upfront.
Somebody asked me, how quickly do you mention that?
I don't mention that necessarily on the first video date,
although I will say this,
like a guy found me from Single Nation.
I live in Nashville.
He reached out to me.
He lives in California.
And he, we texted a bit back and forth on Facebook and then we booked a video and he's
like, well, how do you feel about dating somebody long distance?
And here's what I said.
I said, you know what?
I'm okay with it.
If you're intentional about pursuing me, I have no need for a digital romance here.
Like if you have no intention of ever coming to Nashville or letting me come to California
and you just want a video buddy, I'm not your gal.
Like I'm in this to meet somebody in real life and you know, cause I'm like looking
for the real thing.
I've done the dating thing.
He's like, oh my gosh, of course that's where I am too.
We chatted for like two and a half months and I was finally getting to the point we
were doing, it was about, it was about two months cause we probably hit our seventh date
and I was like really itching for that live date.
And he was like, well, I think we're not in the same place because I can't believe on
the very first date you told me that we had to see each other in person someday.
And I'm like, uh, I, I stand by that comment.
Like why would I be talking to you a thousand miles away if you have no intention?
Like I'm not going to, I'm not going to play around and be on a video date for a year.
Like I'm not saying, and ladies, you are not doing that.
We're not going to let you do that.
And so that's kind of the rule of thumb is you really want to try to meet each other.
It is great to meet halfway the first time.
Sometimes if you guys can't meet halfway, he needs to come to you.
That is where the man needs to step up to the plate.
He needs to come to you.
Now I will say this, if he's going to spend money on a hotel and an airplane or driving
out there, um, then you know, you might want to offer to help pay for some of the events
that you do or think of all the free things that you can do.
Obviously do not necessarily have a strange guy in your house the first time he comes.
Um, and if you're not feeling comfortable, don't necessarily book to, um, like be cooking
him dinner at home if you're not ready to do that.
So kind of plan accordingly, but just pace yourself with long distance dating in general.
If you haven't watched my dating session, please watch it because it's very helpful.
You should not be texting somebody longer than a week or two.
You really need to then move to a video date and you can put it out there and you really
shouldn't video date more than a few times.
If it's like, I don't video date more than once or twice.
If he's local before I'm like, Hey, like I would like to meet in person if you don't,
that's okay.
But like, I'm not going to keep doing this.
Um, and so you kind of move it along to a live date.
And then of course, you know, it's, you know, we always say it's a yes until it's a no.
If you've had a good time on your date, even if you're like, I'm not really sure I'm attracted
to him.
We encourage you to give him a second chance.
Um, so I think I've gotten to all of the topics.
I just, I really want to encourage you guys to enjoy this process and to just be willing
to try things different.
Be willing to go outside of your comfort note, um, your comfort zone and be willing to be
set up, be willing to be willing to be wrong, you guys, um, but really kind of preserve
your integrity.
Uh, I got all the way to the pre-marriage state.
Uh, Jackie always jokes that she's a matchmaker and a match breaker and she helped match break
me, which is fun, but I'll tell you what, y'all like I've had my heart handed to me
on a silver platter before this program, I mean shattered.
And I can honestly say for all the ups and downs of the dating realm, I have not been
shattered since I came into this program.
It's because I've learned how to date healthy.
And so that's what I can tell you is you don't have to be shattered.
You might flop, you might fail, you might make a few mistakes and might be like, oh
my gosh, I can't believe I just said that.
And it is okay.
You can't screw up.
So this is what I also tried to remind the earlier crowd too, is yes, we believe that
there is a spirit mate for you, but I actually think God is so amazing.
There is more than one person I think that God could have as your spirit mate, because
think about it for you to get it all right and him to get it all right.
That's a lot of getting it all right for you to, to find each other.
And so I'd like to believe that if God is the God of second chances and he redeems and
restores, then it, that we can't miss it.
So when we say you can't mess up your spirit mate, it's because God's already got your
plan B, C, D, E, F, G.
I don't care if you're on plan Z, I promise you, if you're on plan Z, your spirit mate
is still going to be amazing to you.
It really is.
So you can't screw it up.
You can't meet him.
I think Jackie said she ran into David like five different times in the last five years
before she actually met him in person.
So it's like, you can't mess it up you guys.
So if you were, you were zigging while he was zagging, if he's your, if that zag is
your guy, God's going to bring them back around.
So that's the encouragement we want to give you is that you just, we keep thinking we
can mess up bigger than God can fix.
Again, I go back to, we trust God with our salvation, but we don't trust him.
to fix our mistakes. So that should kind of give you some encouragement like, oh my gosh,
it's not all about me. Like sometimes it's about him and sometimes God just needs to do his thing
and sometimes it's just not the right time. And so I would argue even though Jackie had run into
David or heard about him and she's actually said it herself, if she met him any sooner,
it wouldn't have been the right time. So it's going to be good. God's got you. So this is my
chance now to launch into you guys asking me whatever you want. Stump me, scare me,
do all the things. This is your floor. Now you guys get to ask the questions
and it always takes a brave person to go first.
I'll start. Okay, go for it, girl. So I sat back last week. I sort of watched the second video.
I kind of went back into my old self, very panicky, like I was literally having panic attacks.
I haven't had them in almost three years. I've been off of all antidepressants and medicine
and stuff like that. I mean, I got to the point where I was scared. I didn't want to do nothing.
Didn't want to go out, nothing. I'm like, no, this is not me. This has not been me for three years.
I'm not going backwards. So I went back and I did two more of the forgiveness prayers.
I let two more people go. Great. And since then, I feel a little more like myself,
like I'm coming back out to it. But yeah, I had to, and I didn't even get into dating yet.
I just, something in me just held me back. And you guys, that's the beauty of having access to
this heartwork material. As you start dating, you're going to get triggered. Like that's one
of the healthiest thing I learned from Jackie. I'm like, why is it I go into dating relationships?
I'm like so healthy. I'm so strong. And then I meet some guy and it's like,
and I'm like, what is that about? And she's like her in relationship, healed in relationship. So
she's like, you can only do so much healing single and alone. Like you can read all the books,
do all the things, but some of the healing isn't going to happen until your next relationship.
And that's going to be true with bosses, girlfriends, friends, and boyfriends. If we
were her in that relationship system, then we're going to have healing in that next relationship
system. But that doesn't mean we're not going to get triggered. Nicole, do me a favor. Are
you on a laptop? Are you on your computer? I am on a laptop. Okay. I want you to pick up
your laptop. I'm going to teach you guys a lesson. I want you to turn that laptop around until you
are facing the light in your bedroom. Pick it up because watch and I turn it around, walk with the
light. So now the light. So I'm facing it? Yes. You want to face the light. Okay. Ladies, that's
how you get rid of your wrinkles. You face the light. Ask any photographer, they will tell you
face the light. Do you see that I've got light on my face? It makes me look really young, right?
Watch. I take my computer and all of a sudden, oh my gosh, Nicole, everybody, everybody gives
them applause from Nicole. Now you don't look like some creepy woman in the back. I'm like,
you were just, this is how you want to show up on your dates. You want to face the light,
ladies. There's like, it is hilarious. And you guys, please practice this once you get to phase
three on your, you're on the co-ed calls. I know you're thinking, well, what if, you know,
it's the same old guys or what if there's nobody hot? I don't care. Y'all need to practice showing
up camera ready. Okay. These things get taped. They're going to get shown in the, like the
playback for the guys and you want them to go, oh, okay. I see you, Cindy. I see you, Carolyn.
I see you, Mandy. Y'all look cute. Jackie, who's that Mandy chick? I want to ask that Mandy chick
out. Now they're not going to do that. If you're like on the calls, right. And like, look, see,
I'm so good at being well lit that I don't have an unlit place in my house. Look at y'all. I still
have my tree up. I put away all my decorations, except my flog tree, which apparently is a great
thing. Cause there's like 10 inches of snow out there in Nashville right now. So all of a sudden,
it's not looking so stupid that I kept it up there. So, and that's the thing y'all, when you
do video dates, look at, I got a pretty painting that speaks to my personality in the back. Like,
don't have some boring ass, like, sorry, some boring, like picture behind your, like your clothes,
like your laundry or like, I will tell you what I'm, I'm, I'm so judgy McJudgy, hence my soul
seeing being single.
that when I do a video date with a guy and I just see a white wall
and no artwork up and like I kind of look around the room I'm like really
like this guy I've got no personality at all
and he's wearing gray like seriously um so pay attention how you look I just had
to give you that little lesson to call I think the whole group
is an agreement face yes it is your thank you
you bet all right who else wants to ask a question
go ahead carolyn
okay renee this is very vulnerable so I need you to be kind
I need you to slip into kind mama are you saying her call me out like that
wasn't kind no I'm not saying anything I'm saying
I need her to be kind I feel you I feel you I'm a straight shooter I'll
soften it okay I need it because I could cry I'm just
gonna be real okay so before right before I got into this
program in September I met this guy Abhi Harmony
and there were like all these things that were just like boom boom boom this
seems amazing except there's like one thing the
lord's like yeah you can't marry him if this doesn't change I'm like well that
could change as possible we just like
been there misogynistic theology issue okay but
seemed like a really good guy you know um
anyway and uh this is a little I'm trying to make it not a long story
but basically um we did meet in person and then it didn't the first date didn't
seem to go super well and so I reached out to him a
couple days later because I was like I really think this could be a really
good thing and then we met up that day and then we
ended up having like two dates the first day and like getting like almost
physical which it was not like my intention
but he's really hot and um he took me out on his
boat and then I was like this was maybe not the smartest
uh move in the middle of the night you know it was really fun
didn't do anything really bad but I never have ever done like
laying next to somebody on the first date or a second date I'm like this is
crazy I know this is not me but um sat on his lap wow I can't believe it
anyway I did that I was like wow this is nuts this is outside of my normal
so outside of my normal but um anyway and then he came to my like worship
night the next night that I lead and he um he was uh
just like falling in love with me because he loves worship and seeing me
in my element and seeing who I am and um as the leader we're talking about
see how spiritual intimacy could like manifest really fast yeah really fast
yeah and also he's just a very fast mover like he's an 88
ADHD like just like thinks a lot over analyzing and
and going really fast too and kind of pushing it so we had
some time together and then also I was leaving out I was going out of town like
in a couple days so there's kind of this pressure of like I want to spend as much
time as I can with this person and I wasn't wise and then I even like I
wasn't going to kiss him and then the next day
and we ended up kissing like like literally so fast we just met
and I don't this is so out of my normal like I kissed maybe four men in my life
before that I think he was number five so um I'm 42 and uh
anyway but he was like 48 like thinking about moving to Texas which where my
parents are thinking about moving to Tyler
which is where my parents live like crazy weird like
he lives in a house exactly like the one on my dream board
like specifically exactly and he's the one who told me and then like he wants
to have kids still and he's adopted kids from Ethiopia and I've been to Ethiopia
and it's the only place I wanted to adopt kids from in the world so far and
I was like this like crazy list right anyway so long story short
I go to get on the plane and um that night he kind of just
suddenly like I was delayed for a while in writing
and that night he kind of just suddenly backed out
and then like we talked a little bit while I was in Texas
he prayed me through he's a prayer warrior and like I literally
had the best uh visit in Texas I've ever had
so legit prayer warrior but um and with family which is rough but
anyway so he but then I felt like halfway through
Texas I felt a shift and I woke up in the morning Lord's like hey
he's not for you unless he changes his mind they're like what is this about
what happened well I get back here and he's like well
let's just try to be friends and I'm like we've already like
kissed like I can't be your friend like so we went out
once and I don't know it was kind of weird and then like
the morning of the morning of that we're start I was starting this program
in October like we went on um a walk and he's like well I kind of went
back to my my ex-girlfriend not his ex-wife
his ex-girlfriend he had told me he hadn't been in contact with and wasn't
gonna go back to he went she showed it up when I was in Texas
and all that seduction and blah blah blah and so I'm like and he's sleeping
with her and I'm like this is terrible anyway
and he's a Christian who wants to be a missionary like all the things that I'm
like want, and I'm like, but why?
So-
Fast forward to your question about the color of my heart.
No, no, you're fine.
I know, I apologize.
No, no, you're good.
Well, anyway, he'd been saying,
well, I still want to be your friend.
And I was like, I can't, what?
No, like my heart was so interested.
You know, I wasn't in love with him,
but I was like, this is...
And so I was like, no, no, I really can't be,
you know, maybe sometime in the future or whatever.
And then we had another moment in November
where he had like popped up and said,
it was literally, he was asking me for,
it was the six weeks or whatever the time is,
their commitment on this program.
It was exactly, almost exactly like he had broken up
with me the day that they told us to stop.
And then he was wanting me to go out with me
and he didn't know about this.
Wanted to go out with me like the day
after I was allowed to date.
Like literally, I mean, it was like exact timing.
And so I'm thinking, well, maybe this is the Lord
because I felt like he was supposed to come back.
And anyway, and then he knee jerks again, whiplash again.
And so like, we literally kissed goodbye that day
like in November and I'm like,
and now this week he's asking to be friends again
and wanting to like talk to me.
And I'm like, I just,
I've been having a really hard time saying no.
So what is, cause you,
do you think he's mature, masculine and marriage-minded?
I think he wants to be.
He's no, the answer is no.
It's not yet.
No, he's not.
Shannon's like, right, right, right, right.
At this moment, at this moment, he is not.
Not in the last three months he's been.
No, no.
He didn't treat you.
Okay, cause here's the thing.
He didn't treat you from the get-go.
He has not treated you with,
he did not, he has not treated you as a precious jewel.
Like, do you know what I'm saying?
He got really close with you.
He hooked you in and then he pulled back to be just friends.
Then he hooked you in and then he pulled back
cause he went back to his ex-girlfriend
and then he's hooked back in
and y'all made out and he pulled back again
and now he's trying to pull in.
So he has already shown you three times
that what he does is he woos and moves.
He woos and he moves.
And for all you know, he's doing this with the ex-girlfriend
and he's just toggling between the two of you
and chances are he's toggling with somebody else.
So I'm more curious what's good about him
that you even want to keep talking to him
besides him being hot.
Because this is not like,
I'm just shooting straight with you.
Like he is not exhibiting healthy behavior.
Yeah, no, I mean, I know that that is not healthy.
I'm just, I think-
You want to hang on for who he might become?
You're 42, Carolyn.
Do you want to give somebody an opportunity
for who he might become?
Like, and what's going to change that?
Does he do, is he in any hard work himself?
Does he have an accountability group?
He has something, he has quite a few things in place,
but apparently-
So why does he just want to be friends with you again?
I guess that's my thing is if he was really missing you.
I mean, it feels like he's wanting,
well, I mean, I know that like in another world,
we would have been great friends, fine,
but we're not in that world.
Right, so does he want to be friends with you
or does he want to hook up with you?
Does he want friends with benefits with you?
Yeah, I mean, I think he says he just wants to be friends,
so-
Okay, so if he's saying to you,
I just want to be friends
and you are physically attracted to him,
how is being friends good for you right now?
Not at the moment.
I know it's not good.
Yeah, and here's the thing, Carolyn,
everyone raise your hand if you date, what's his name?
Scott.
How many of us have dated a Scott?
How many of us have given a Scott
too much time and years of our life,
hoping that he'd become the good guy?
So we are not saying this because we have not been there.
We are saying this because we've been there.
And I'm probably giving you some tough love right now,
and so maybe that was too straight shooting with you.
So here's what I will say.
I'm gonna really pray for you
because I'm gonna encourage you to lean into
what part of you is still attracted
to want to bring him back in and what is that about?
Do you really want,
do you just want to be friends with him?
Is it gonna help your journey?
Is it gonna help you make healthy choices?
Is it gonna help you be open to dating other men?
Like what good is gonna come
from you being friends with him?
I mean, like, he's actually very helpful sometimes.
Like whenever it was time for me to get my taxes done,
I asked him for help
and I was trying to be really careful
about not talking to him.
But I reached out to him because he was awake
and he actually helped me figure it out
because he's done business with me.
and stuff. And I didn't really have a lot of people to call on. So I think that's really good.
You can call them, you know, they do commercials and everything. But so you gave him, you gave
this guy financial information. Um, how much financial information did you give him if he
helped you with your taxes? It was just like one question about a specific thing. It wasn't like,
do you think you can be friends with him without wanting anything more and without being physically
intimate with him? Maybe in six months, definitely not today. Okay. Um, hopefully in six months,
you're in a marriage minded relationship. I sure hope so. Well, I guess that guy's going to want
you hanging out with Scott. Oh yeah. No, I mean, I'm not trying to hang out with him. I just feel
like you, I don't know. I'm asking you to ask yourself some hard questions. I feel like this
is really good for other people to hear this because it is really easy for us to accept. Okay.
And situationships and crumbs when there's nothing at the table.
But I think the hard thing for me, Renee, I think the thing that's bugging me is just like,
there's so few men who want to do missions or who want to get, have kids. And like he
checks both those boxes. So even though, right, but he's not asking to be in a relationship with you.
No, not right now. No, he's not. I don't want to be strung along either. He's 48 years old.
He's 48 years old. He is balanced between you and his ex-girlfriend. And so there is nothing
about what he's saying is saying that he wants to settle down in the next six months to a year.
There's nothing in his behavior that has spoken to that. So, I mean, you can hang out with him.
I mean, here's the thing, Carol, you have free will girl, and we love you no matter what,
and we're here to cheer you on. And like, none of us are going to say, I told you so.
None, like we're going to be hearing through it. And this is for everybody, you guys, like we can't,
you know, we can only point towards what health is. We can only say like, if you keep doing the
same thing you used to do in the past, then you're going to keep getting the same results. We're
asking you to be willing to do something different. We're asking you to be willing, like, yeah, I mean,
I could be married by now if I just married Schmo, like, or I could be in a few situationships,
or there were some nice guys that really liked me and I could be stringing them along because,
gosh, it's sure nice to go through the holidays with some guy to talk to. And gosh, you know,
like there was this fireman that I talked to, you guys, I wanted to keep dating him just so
he could fix my smoke alarm. Like, that's not nice. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like,
it could have been a little bit nice, but I mean, and so we want to make sure we're not using people
so to speak, to keep them in our life. Like, we don't want to hold them back and we don't
want them to hold us back. So we don't want to string anybody along. We don't want us to be
strung along. So I'm going to pass the baton as somebody else asked a question, but I really
appreciate you sharing that. It was really honest. And you are probably not the only person
in this community who's in the very same situation and wouldn't be wooing him back in.
And I appreciate that you at least had the guts to show up here and bring it up in front of all of
us. That was a really brave thing to do. I know God's got so much good for you. And I know what
it's like when somebody that we have chemistry with comes a crawling back. It's really easy
to feel like we can have just one chip, not the whole bag of chips with that person. So I'll be
praying for you about that. And you keep us posted no matter what you'd have to tell us. If you tell
us you're hanging out with him again, or you made out with him again, there's still no shame in that
game. And you still have a place and a seat at this table. Hope that is helpful to you. And yeah.
All right. Another question. That was good. Yeah. I'm so proud of you. All right. She was brave,
you guys be brave, ask the hard stuff. We're also going to call on you. Yes, ma'am.
So I, I initially posted this in the Facebook page and Bethany gave some advice, but then that raised
like more questions. So, so I guess I have some follow-up to that. So I'm in one of those kind
of long distance type situations. I met, or I started talking to someone I'm bumble right
before new year's. I was still home with my family and my hometown for the holidays. And he
was only like 45 minutes from them. But now that I'm home, it's like a little over three hours.
And so we'd started talking and like had initially planned to meet in person, like within that week
of first meeting. But then like he got sick. And so then like we rescheduled for the next weekend
and then like a snowstorm.
storm hit his hometown. So, like, we've been talking for two weeks on the phone and have
tried to get together twice in that two weeks, but just, you know, circumstances. So we're
trying again this weekend. But so in the meantime, like, we're talking on the phone like almost
every day for several hours, have not done video chat, just talking on the phone. And
I know me and I know I've struggled with emotional boundaries in my past. And so that's
something I'm very aware of. Well, and just know that staying on the phone is going to
exasperate that because when you're on a video camera, you're more aware when you're verbally
vomiting. When you're on the phone, it's just so easy to like, yeah. Well, and I will say
like we both three hours every day, you know, a lot, right? Like by one hour and you're
going, oh, no. And I will say we've both been very good about like, we haven't gone like
super deep with any conversation. And I've not shared like any super personal thing.
Okay. That's been good. But it is like the amount of time you do. And I recognize that
have you, how do you know he is who he says he is?
That's a good point.
Oh, you don't know that.
You only have the profile.
Correct. Well, you know, he sent me, he sent me a picture of him and his mom that was taken
at church on Christmas. But again, that could have been stolen from social media. That has
happened. So why have you not wanted to book a video date, especially with that?
I suggested one. And he said that the camera on his phone is broken and he has to get a new
phone. I know, I know this sounds super shady.
Okay, see, Carolyn, you thought I was being tough on her. We're going to now be tough on
Shannon. Okay, Shannon. Right. Y'all. Okay. What about does he have a does he have a
computer?
He does.
With you? Yeah. Can do Facebook Messenger with you or Google me? Yeah. So ladies, you have
some choices to make. You can be brave and go like, Hey, what's his name? Tony. Tony, it
has been so great chatting with you. I really need to do video with you. So you're going to
have to figure something out. Either you're going to get on a computer and we're either going to
get on zoom, Google me or Facebook Messenger. You have some options. If that's not going to
work, then we're going to hold off on any more phone conversations until we can meet live.
And the plan, the plan is to do that this weekend, in a public place. Okay. Um, but so I
guess what my initial question is, despite like, those are all yes, good points. So he always
initiates the phone calls. And so I'm trying to limit like the phone conversations, but he always
initiates the phone calls. So I'm trying to figure out how to do that gracefully. Now that
he's initiating, like, so do you know whenever he's calling or does he go? He just calls. So why
do you, do you have to pick it up every time? I don't, but I feel like I'm being rude if I don't.
And I do want to honestly, I mean, and I'll say this, I mean, here's the thing, Shannon, he here's
my only other concern. Just because a guy doesn't want to get on the camera. It doesn't mean he's a
cat for sure. Necessarily. Right there. However, here's what it could mean. It could mean he looks
nothing like the photo that he's sending you. Because I got matched with somebody right before I
left Connecticut. And he was like, oh my gosh. And I had a feeling the pictures looked old. You know,
you can tell guys are posting older photos. I'm like, I bet you those aren't like up to date
photos. And I knew he wasn't a catfisher because he mentioned a local church that I used to speak
at. He's like, oh, like I'm visiting my sister in Ashland city. And I was like, oh my gosh, I have a
sister in Ashland city. And he's like, then he said something about like, oh, I can visit him. I said
something about like, where do you go to church? He's like, oh, I go to Donaldson Fellowship. Like
it's not even a well known church. Like I knew what it was. And so when I got back, and then
interestingly, he disappeared for a week. And then he came back and he said, oh, Facebook needed to
verify him, which I should have clued in. He didn't look like his pictures anymore. Right. And so I'm
like, okay. And I said, well, hey, since I'm still out of town for two more weeks, why don't we just
book a video day? And he was like, no, that's too cumbersome. I'm like, I don't know. He's like, I'm
not worth it. I go, what do you mean you're not worth a video chat? Like, he's like, well, here's
my number. Let's talk on the phone. I said, no, I'm not
I don't talk. I said, I don't swap phone numbers. See, that's the other thing, Shannon. I don't swap
a phone number. Here's why. You just brought up another good reason why I don't swap phone numbers
with somebody until I do a video date. Once you swap phone numbers, you can't control how they're
communicating with you and how often. They can just keep it texting. They can call you. And so
they have just now invaded your phone space. So I don't care if it's a Google number or your
regular cell phone number. Forget the safety aspect of it. They're now in control of your
schedule by being able to call you and text you at will. Booking some video dates forces you
to book a date. It forces some intentionality. Okay. But it's already Tuesday. When are you
guys set to go out? Saturday. Saturday. Okay. So you did two things I would caution against.
A, you've been having a lot of phone calls. You gave out your personal number without making sure
he is who he says he is. And you're talking on the phone a long time. So what you could start saying
is, hey, Tony, I've got something going on at church tonight or with my girlfriend or my sister.
Like the second he calls, hey, I'd love to talk to you. I'm just letting you know, I've already
booked a talk to my sister in an hour. So we're going to have to keep this call to an hour.
Because I'm going to ask you to start practicing that this week. I'm going to ask you to exercise
some boundaries with him because he has no boundaries. And I'm afraid if he has no boundaries
now, once he sees you in person, he's going to have no physical boundaries with you. And you've
not exercised any boundaries with him up until now. So he's going to think he can do that.
So that's my homework assignment to you in the next three and a half days is try to exercise
some boundary with him. Either don't pick up the phone, limit the phone call and see how he
responds to some boundary. And make sure you have your phone on 360 and your girls know where you
are and whoever. Yeah. My sister already. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Are you driving to him or is he
driving to you? Uh, we're meeting halfway. Okay. Do you know that town at all? Yes. Okay. So you
feel comfortable in that town? Yes. Okay. All right. Well, Shannon, I will be here next Tuesday
night. I want an update on the day. Right. Did I, did you even get to ask your question? I mean,
I just bombarded you. I mean, yes, basically. Yes. I'm blind. I'm just trying to protect you.
No, that's okay. I need that. Um, yes, Margaret, sometimes the guy is self-conscious how they look,
but here's why I don't care. I'm self-conscious about how I look, but we want mature masculine
marriage minded men who have self-confidence. So if they're, if I will say this, Jack and Jackie
has mentioned this. Cause the guy that I dated right before I got into the program, like Carolyn,
he was all that in a bag of chips. Like on the first date, like I actually met him through a
dating service. And on the first date, our date lasted three hours. It was like the heavens
parted. He was like my guy, like checked every box. And for like three straight weeks, we talked
every day. We had all these great dates. It was like, it was December, 2020. Guess what happened
after three weeks of hot and heavy? Yes. Who got COVID? And it was like, he turned into a completely
different human being. I don't even know what happened. I feel like the Lord allowed me to get,
cause I had been, I ran a clinic. I had been exposed to COVID so much in this one particular
week. I swear the Lord allowed me to get COVID just to put a kibosh on this relationship because
it was moving fast and y'all, he was hot and we had lots of chemistry. And even though I was Jesus
girl, I might've had sex with him too. So it'd be a whole different story, but he went from like
super hot, but here's what I did notice really early in the dating Shannon. And I'm saying
that's because Margaret brought it up. He was very self-deprecating early on. He was like the
women before me cheated on me. You're too good with, for me at some point, you're going to leave
me. And I just thought, Oh, he's, he's wounded. And I'm going to like help them spout the steam
and help them feel good. And now Jackie and every therapist has said to me, when a guy does that,
just run because we don't want to be dating men that are self-deprecating because it is almost
like they're setting us up. They're setting us up that they're going to fail us at some point.
They're going to behave badly. They're going to, at the end of the day, you guys, he started to
get worse and worse and worse in his behavior, but because he was such a wounded bird, I kept giving
him so much slack. I kept going, Oh, Oh, it's because he's wounded. It's because he's broken.
No, if he's self-deprecating. So if he's not willing to get on the camera because he is worried
with how he looks.
That's what the guy did with me, Margaret.
He was like, but you're not gonna like me.
You're not gonna think I'm cute.
One other guy was like,
you're not gonna like the sound of my voice
cause I'm really Southern.
And I was like, well, sooner or later
I'm gonna meet you in person.
And he was not wrong.
We did a video date and I did not like the sound
of his voice cause he was so redneck.
However, I would have given him lots of chances.
And that was not the reason why
we didn't end up working out at all.
And so I have just found, we want mature.
Again, it goes back to, we want mature, masculine,
marriage-minded, healthy men.
We do not want, remember how Jackie always says,
fixer uppers are for houses, not spouses.
And so define deprecating.
They just rag on themselves.
Like, and you guys, that's why we shouldn't do it.
Like if a guy compliments us, like,
and he says to us, oh my gosh, you look so cute.
Or your hair looks great.
Like you guys, we do this all the time.
Like our girlfriends will say,
oh my gosh, your hair looks great.
Like I just watched mine,
which is why it's straight right now before I want it.
And I'll just say, how many of you ever like had girls say,
oh my gosh, your hair looks amazing.
And you go, oh my gosh, it's filthy.
Like we reject the compliment.
Like, oh my gosh, Renee, I love that outfit.
Really, it's 20 years old.
Oh my gosh, I look so fat in it.
Like we take a compliment and we just crap on ourselves.
And so that's what guys do.
It's like very self-deprecating.
We're like, we crap on ourselves and we do it
so other people don't do it.
So they have pity on us.
It's just low self-esteem.
It's just not attractive to be on the receiving end of it.
And it's not attractive to do it.
And so do not do it yourselves.
If people give you compliments, thank them.
You just say, thank you, period.
You don't say, but.
Gosh, Renee, you look great,
but I still need to lose 10 pounds.
No, he just said I looked great.
So let's just stop right there.
Because you guys, this is how fast guys decide.
I always say this, people always laugh at me,
but I've had men tell me this is true.
Because women wonder why the men don't read the profile.
They don't, this is how fast,
especially now in a swiping world.
Hot, not hot, hot, not hot.
That's how fast they decide
whether or not they think you're cute.
So if he thinks you're cute,
he doesn't notice that your inner thighs touch
or not touch.
He doesn't notice that your arms like flab right here.
He don't, like he's already decided you're cute.
I wish men would give us more of a chance.
I mean, I think women give men way more of a chance
on looks than guys do.
I think they are much faster.
But I will say this guys,
it's funny because I snuck into the guys page
to find out what they said about women.
Do you want to know what the men said
they noticed about women first and foremost?
Their smile and their eyes, smile and eyes.
They are looking for women who look happy.
So they don't want women who are self-deprecating either.
So it's very unattractive on both sides.
Smile with your eyes, you know.
What's her name?
Tyra Banks.
She always says smize, smize with your eyes.
It's a smile with your eyes.
And so smile with your eyes and smile with your mouth
all the time.
And guys will think that you're cute.
And there you go.
Okay, so Margaret, you said you came in late.
Make sure you watch this in replay
because I gave a really good teaching the first 30 minutes.
And now we're just open for conversations.
And I had Nicole, Carolyn and Shannon in the hot seat
and I'm going to let them gracefully get off the hot seat.
Now for somebody else, it is already the top of the hour
but I don't want to not miss any questions.
Are there any other questions?
Because this is fun tonight.
Whew, this is so fun.
Y'all are honest.
I love it.
Questions, questions.
The rest of you all.
I have a question.
Yes, ma'am.
Go for it.
Okay.
My name is Jennifer.
I'm turning on my video.
Okay, hi.
Jennifer, have you been hiding in the background?
I have been hiding.
Yes, I've been trying to do some work at the same time.
But I actually resonated with the story of,
I'm so sorry, I have COVID brain fog.
So I have a really bad recall memory.
Carolyn.
The first, the one who went on the boat.
Oh, that's Carolyn.
See?
Carolyn, with Carolyn.
We knew she was not alone.
We knew it.
Yeah, Carolyn, you're not alone.
So it's tough because I met him right
before I started the program.
And Jackie just gave me some really good advice.
Like, you shouldn't, you know,
he's love bombing you.
You shouldn't like be with him and, you know.
And so I tried, but,
you know, I'm lonely and I'm old.
And there is a connection, but it's like a,
it's not the spirit, it's the soul.
And so it was exactly what you said.
It was really just a lot of attraction in the beginning,
but he wouldn't listen to my boundaries.
Yeah.
And so the thing is.
like basically you know I had to stand up for my boundaries and I was standing up for my
boundaries and he'd be like fine. He wouldn't listen and then he would like kind of do this
are you are you going to go out with me or not and just kind of like put me at like this you know.
I just kind of would feel trapped and so then I would say
no like now it's like no like I hung out with him yesterday. Even though deep down inside I know I
don't want to be with him it's just yesterday was MLK and you know you have the day off and
I don't have anything to do and so it was fun but it's like the same thing happens like we make out
and and then at the end he's like are you going to go out with me and so basically I told him
that I was going to start dating because I was in phase two and he got so mad but we had like
we had already like broken up and everything so it's just kind of like we've broken up I think
at least like three or four times and we met like our on our first date on 11 on November 18th and
so it's really hard to even though everybody's right to cut it off like everybody's like this
is toxic he's dangerous and it's really hard and it's really hard and y'all like you're an LFMFT.
Here's what I'm saying it happens to the best of us do you know I'm saying like you're like
I've got a degree I should be like I would kick my client's butts if they were pulling this I get
it and so I will tell you so do you know Marilyn Murray I just got trained in the Marilyn Murray
method she's like 86 years old she's like she does the trauma egg like she's world renowned in her
but she's a straight if you think Jackie's a straight shooter and I'm a straight shooter
she's even bigger straight shooter and so she was kind of we were doing these role playing
and they're all therapists in the room and she said you cannot give care to your clients
to the level that you're not willing to give care to yourself and so for all of us that was like
like if I'm not willing to walk the talk out in my life and I ran a clinic for 20 years and I
would give all this advice to clients and it's like if I'm not willing they're like but Renee
it's so hard to be abstinent I know sex feels really good if it's done right like I know
I'm not willing to walk it out myself then I was just a hypocrite trying to move them towards
health and so I'm assuming you want your clients to choose health and you want you so that means
you need to practice choosing health and Jennifer girl it is hard like I've had the Scots whatever
your guy's name is he was my David we all have had that guy that they have a hook in us and it's
like y'all it's like a drug and it feels good and we rationalize the poo out of it like oh but I'm
lonely and oh we're just going to meet in public and oh we're just friends and so you know some of
us on this call wish they could still have a glass of wine but they have proven they can't drink
alcohol ever again the rest of their life and so you know these guys that have that hook on us
they have shown that we can't drink that drink like they are not good for us and here's all I
can tell you you guys is I know what it's like to feel intoxicated by those guys but I also know
what it's like to have that shit hangover feeling the next day when you when you have the shame and
I would argue the shame you feel the next day the disappointment in yourself and the next day
what's going to start to happen is the more you hang out with that guy the bigger the shame and
disappointment is going to get so the enjoyment you get out of that person is going to start to
diminish and your disappointment in yourself is going to start to grow and I I say that from
decades of experience of doing the hard thing because I wish I could tell you I got in this
program with Jackie and I stopped talking to David completely I want to say I talked to him
easily another six months easily so I'm not saying it was really easy for me to to cut the cord but
the best thing I ever did was cut the cord and that's what I can tell you has changed and shifted
for me is I have no I don't even have toxic girlfriends in my life I don't have toxic
contract I don't have toxic boyfriends I've had to say goodbye to literally my best friend of 15
years because she was my toxic unhealthy relationship and she had a hook on me that
was determining my value and stuff and when I started setting healthy boundaries with her
it no longer worked and it has devastated me to lose that best
friend, devastated me, but it is not healthy for me. And so she is not healthy for me. So she can
be an acquaintance on the side, but she can't be in my inner circle. This guy, the Scots,
the whoever's they are, they can be out there, they can be nice. So here's the thing, Jennifer,
you have free will, you know it, just like Carolyn, you can choose to get a temporary fix
on, or the visual is God has a banquet for you and we're eating the crumbs on the floor.
And I know we think if we're eating the crumbs, we're like, we're only eating the crumbs until
we can see the banquet. But the problem is if we're on the ground eating the crumbs,
we're going to miss the banquet. Yeah. I'm just going to miss it. And I will say this too,
it is, it feels way better to be alone. Do I have lonely moments? You bet. But it feels way
better in my knower and in my heart and in my soul to be alone than to do that toggle. So.
Okay. So, so the tough, the tough, the tough thing is, is that he actually,
he means that when he says I'm his, I'm the one like he wants, he would marry me.
And the other tough thing. So why does Jackie say he's love bombing you? Why does Jackie say,
why do they say he's bad for you? Well, he did it on the first date. So when I talked to her,
it was after the first date. I'm sorry. I would make a terrible poker player.
But the man knows what he wants. He hasn't changed that stance at all.
And how long? Okay. So that was 11. So besides him telling you he loved you on the first date,
what is the other reason why they think he's toxic? Um, cause I would set boundaries and
he wouldn't listen. And then he threw a temper tantrum because I wouldn't have sex with him.
Okay. So he is not so, okay. So maybe he wants to marry you,
but he has already proven. So Margaret asked what love bombing is. Love bombing is when someone,
typically, when someone bombs you with, I love you, you're amazing, you're fabulous,
before they've had any chance to get to know you. A lot of times unhealthy narcissistic people,
well, narcissistic filled people tend to love bomb because they like the energy of sucking you in.
But then once they have you, they will get, they will find some way to get out of it and
they will easily ghost you. The reason why Jennifer has been able to keep this guy
all into her is because she's not completely given herself to him. She has displayed boundaries. So
the reason why he's still on the hunt after her is because she's actually displayed some boundaries.
If she gave into his boundaries, I promise you within a month, he'd be dropping her or
he'd be dropping her or he'd start treating her like crap. Here's what they usually do.
They start treating you like crap, hoping you'll dump them so they don't have to dump you. And then
they kind of go do it on the next thing. But if you're like us and you kind of take it and take
it and take it, then they have to just start ghosting you because they don't know how to get
rid of you. So that's why he's staying hooked. So, okay. So we already know he has tantrums.
We already know that he has boundary issues. So, you know, he's not good for you. You know,
he's not a mature, masculine, marriage-minded, godly man, because nothing in that is any of
those things. So you just have to decide, girl, if that's what you want. I mean, I'm cheering you on.
And so your homework between now and next week is to not talk to him. Shannon is going to give
us an update. Carolyn's going to give us an update and you're going to give us an update.
And I will tell you, like I said to Carolyn, if you talk to him and make out with him between now
and next week, we will not shame you. We will hug you and we will not say I told you so. We're just
going to be here to support you. Okay. Sandra, you had your hand up, I think, or is it Mandy? One of
you two. Mark here, somebody had their hand up. Oh, I did. I had put it down. I just wanted...
So I have a date on Thursday and it was somebody I dated in 18. So I've met him a few times.
It didn't go anywhere. And so it's the only thing, I mean, there's a thing I remember,
like he was a bit handsy, you know, like 47. Okay. So he might've changed in 30 years. Yeah.
Well, no, that was, well, 18. So six years, it's been six years. He was 18? Oh, I'm sorry. No,
in 2018, I dated him. And he was a bit like, he's my age. He's 47. So that's been six years.
Yeah, so I've grown a ton, so I'm like, and we haven't, basically he's like, when am I
going to see you?
And I'm like, I already met this guy.
I like enjoyed him.
So I was like, yeah.
And then we're going to meet on Thursday.
Are you doing a nice public date?
Yeah.
What you doing?
Well, he's going to get back to me.
I said, well, let me know.
He was asking me what I wanted to do.
And I put it back.
And I'm like, well, I'll head, we'll meet halfway.
I don't remember what I said, but anyways, he was supposed to come back to me.
How do you know it's a public date if you don't know what the date is yet?
Well, it's going to be, well, because I'm only going to be in public.
Why don't you offer to do something that's not like sexual, like in that you might look
a little dorky.
And why don't you like say, hey, let's go ax throwing.
Let's go to an escape room.
Let's go bowling.
Like, why don't you pick something fun to do that's in the book?
Okay.
Yeah.
So like, well, I'm, I'm just, so I'm just thinking if, you know, he could be handsy,
that's all you know about his past.
You would want some control in what that date looks like.
So you don't want to roll around and he just says, well, let's just go to dinner, which
is not a bad thing to do.
If you said, let's just go to dinner.
That's fine.
Um, but maybe pick dinner that has a place to throw darts afterwards or pay pool or something
like that.
Oh, we did.
We did play pool.
Yeah.
Okay.
So where did you get, so where did you get handsy?
I'm just trying to make sure you're safe.
No, I know.
I'm glad I'm not on the hot seat anymore.
Okay.
So, I mean, this is, I wouldn't let this happen.
I don't think I would again.
This is going on a long time.
You guys.
I'm sorry if you have to go.
We're not.
He walked me to the, well, no, we went outside.
I met him at, um, it was a bar and grill and that we did pool and is he a believer?
Yeah.
Okay.
Not that that means anything.
Okay.
So he's a believer.
And what made you guys stop seeing each other?
You know, I don't, he wasn't, I don't think he was, you know, he didn't really explain.
Did he stop?
Yeah.
He stopped seeing me.
Yeah.
So what made him swing?
So what made him swing back around?
How did he swing back around?
I don't know.
It found me on, uh, found each other on hinge.
I mean, we had met up.
Oh, so you guys got matched up on hinge.
Yeah.
So he came back around.
Yeah.
I understand.
But, and you're planning on dating.
Okay.
So that makes more sense.
You guys kind of dated.
So you haven't done any conversations.
So you don't know where he's at in his life right now.
What's going on?
Do you feel like right now would be different?
No, I don't.
I, and I didn't want to know that before the date.
Well that's what I'm asking.
Should I like call?
Have you had a phone call with him?
No.
Uh-uh.
Because should I, well, cause I'd known him before.
We texted.
I know, but you have no idea what's happened in his life in the last six weeks.
Okay.
So I should ask him, Hey, you want to have a phone call tomorrow or something?
I mean, I will say this, you guys, I don't like to walk into dates unprepared now.
I don't want to have like, I want to walk into a date feeling like, and I'm so tired
of the hostess knowing that I'm on a first date with a guy.
Do you know what I'm saying?
So I like it to not look like that and how I not make it look like that is I try to rule
some stuff out and I didn't do that last week.
I went out on a coffee date with a guy that I met.
We got matched up on hinge while I was in Connecticut.
He was visiting family in New York.
We both are in Nashville and I, I, I, you know, I'm like, like the date went so bad
that I'm like, Renee, this is why you're supposed to talk to a guy on the phone before
you're going on a date.
Cause I basically found out he was like, all I asked is, do you have a faith community?
And you might as well, I might as well thrown poison on him and the sound of God coming
out of my mouth.
He like repelled that.
And I'm just laughing and he went in this whole big tirade and I'm like, he doesn't
even know yet that I go to seminary school.
So that's going to be really the deal breaker.
Once he found out he couldn't get out of the red thing, he couldn't get out of the coffee
shop fast enough.
It was like, I just watched it.
I mean, I was laughing by that time.
I didn't want to date him, but I'll let you say, Sandra, I think it's okay if you're like,
Hey, you know what?
I just realized we haven't talked to each other in six years.
Let's just hop on the phone and catch up.
Cause you already know what he looks like.
So it's like, but you can just say, Hey, so tell me what's been going on in the last six
years.
You know, what have you been up to?
What things are important to you these days?
Where are you at in your dating life?
I always like to ask that question.
So like, what's going on?
Where are you at in your dating life?
And just say, I'm just curious.
And you can even just say, Hey, you know, I'm just really curious.
Like I know it was fun to kind of bump into you on hinge, but like what, what would be
different this time around?
What would be different this time around?
Like, wouldn't you want to know some of that before?
for the first day, how far do you have to drive?
Oh, like 20 minutes.
Oh, okay.
I like you said, Narena, okay.
Yeah, I would want to know all of that,
but you don't have to,
but I would want to know that ahead of time
because I'm just learning,
sometimes it's better to walk in the date
be a little prepared.
Yeah, yeah, no, it makes sense.
I'm just tossing that out there,
but we also want an update next week too.
And we want to make sure
if he's walking you back to the car,
that it's not low lit,
cause then he's going to like try to swoop in
for some by the car.
And I don't know if you had boundaries the last time.
So if he's handsy and you didn't have boundaries,
then it's going to be harder this time
because he might be trying to pick up
where y'all left off.
Yeah, yeah.
So just be prepared for that.
You're a big girl, you can handle yourself,
just be prepared for that.
When he goes into swoop, you just give the side hug.
You know, you can slap, put your arm around and wait,
kind of give some distance.
Yeah.
Guys, this was so much fun.
I was really tired and I didn't have,
I think I was going to have energy for y'all tonight,
but y'all were fun and honest.
And I hope you took no offense to what I was saying.
I'm there with you.
I totally understand.
This is not easy.
I wish it were easier.
We all have more wounds, more triggers.
The enemy knows our tactic, you guys.
God wants his very best for us,
but the enemy knows how to give us our Ishmaels.
Like we have been dating our Ishmaels.
We want our Isaac.
But sometimes Ishmael's looking really hot
and he's looking pretty tempting
and he's looking like a pretty good something
until, you know, Isaac shows up.
Because Isaac has lost the directions in the map
and he's too chicken to ask for direction.
So he's lost somewhere.
We wonder where he is.
And so Ishmael's on the scene and he asked for directions
and he got to us faster.
But it doesn't mean we should be giving him too much time.
All right, ladies, anybody else jumping in?
I don't want to stop anybody who had an urgent question.
Hopefully everybody got something out of tonight.
Y'all get, even if you didn't ask a question,
do you feel like y'all got something good?
I hope it, for all these people hiding in the back,
we don't know what you're thinking.
Even Cindy, Cindy, you feel good?
I didn't get to talk to you tonight.
She's like, there's no way I'm gonna ask you a question, man.
I think Margaret had a question.
I did.
Oh, Margaret, I'm sorry.
Oh, go ahead, Margaret.
Margaret's like, no way,
I'm not asking that chick a question.
I didn't even get to see what happened beforehand.
Yeah, I didn't even get to see what happened before.
I have no idea.
You're good, girl.
Okay, so I've gone on a date with a guy
and we've hit it off
and I'm realizing that he's not,
okay, let me put this without,
this is a little scary.
It's okay.
So he's a believer, but he's kind of like not.
He like has, he has some struggles
because of some things that have happened in his life.
So I feel like we might have possibly trauma bonded maybe,
cause he basically kind of vomited his life out
on our first date, but he's a friend of a friend.
So I trusted her judgment because,
so anyway, we met on Facebook dating.
Anyway, he's actually a really great guy,
but his wife committed suicide in 2008.
I saw your story.
So I appreciate everything.
Yeah.
What do, what do I, what do I,
how do I,
how do I rein it back in?
I mean, once that's kind of like all out there,
I don't, I don't actually feel like,
I don't feel like I've,
I'm like, oh, you know, I want to help him.
You know, I don't feel like that.
I don't feel like that's going on.
That's a great question.
Cause somebody asked a very, very,
someone had a very similar situation at the noon one.
And so here's, when you find out something,
when you trauma bond, even if you don't mean to,
it just happens to the best of us.
So when you find out information, you're like, wow,
I didn't realize that we were just going to share
all that information.
It is really okay for us to reset the boundary.
So if you are out, have you guys,
have you guys gone out and do you have another date planned?
Not yet.
We have a tentative one to go to the movies,
but it hasn't happened yet because of the weather.
Okay. So here's all we have to do
when we accidentally step into a very intimate story.
We can just say to them, the next time we talk to them,
and I'm just going to say his name is Dave,
just to make it simple.
Dave, you know, I know you shared
that really vulnerable thing,
and I'm honored that you felt like you can trust me
with that information.
But.
Be truthful at this stage of the game.
I'd really love for us to not talk about such deep stuff
while we're just getting to know each other.
If it ends up being that we see each other longer,
there will be a time and a space that's appropriate
for us to unpack that more
and give it the honor that it's due.
So that's how I do that.
Thank you for sharing that with me.
I really appreciate that you trusted me,
but I'm realizing that's way too heavy and deep
for us to be talking about this early on.
I'd like to continue to just get to know you.
If you don't mind, can we kind of put that over here?
And if we continue to see each other,
we'll be able to talk about it when it's more appropriate
so I give it its honor.
That's how you pack away something that's really sensitive
that somebody has said to you
without like pretending like you didn't know,
but it also stops you from having to go there
because you're also setting a boundary
that that content's too heavy.
Remember I talked about intellectual and emotional intimacy.
Margaret, you came on late, so you missed that,
but you'll get that later.
Like that's an example of intellectual intimacy
is that when you walk through somebody about their trauma,
and it can turn into emotional intimacy,
but it's connected to this trauma
and that's not how you want to connect with somebody.
Okay, okay.
So that's how I do it.
So that's how you can do it.
You have to just say it.
You just have to say it.
Sometimes you guys, it's really hard,
but sometimes we just need to say the hard thing.
Sandra, that's my comment to you too.
You can say to this guy,
like I'm really looking forward to our date,
but I need to be really clear upfront.
Like I had a date with you guys.
I had a date, I was supposed to date this guy
that I got set up with with my nephew.
And we were talking, we were getting along really well.
And at some point I found out
that he was not just not divorced yet,
they hadn't even filed yet.
And so I was coming back home to Connecticut
and he was going to pick me up.
And I just said, hey, look,
I'm just going to be really honest with you.
I'm really excited to get to meet you,
but until you file and start this divorce,
like I can't, like we're only going to be friends.
And then he was like, oh, no problem, no problem.
And then suddenly he ghosted me.
And like a week later, he's like, yeah,
I think the distance is too great.
I'm like, oh, so it had nothing to do with the fact
that you were still married
and I wouldn't be romantic with you.
Okay.
But you guys like, it's okay.
Be honest, make your intentions known,
ask for what you need.
Guys can't read your mind.
So don't be blunt, but like, if it's appropriate.
Now, Sandra dated this guy.
They hung out, they made out,
like he was a little handsy.
She could just be like, hey, you know,
it's been a number of years.
So I just want to make sure
if we're going to go out on this date,
we're going to start fresh.
Like it's our first date
and we're going to treat it like a first date
because I'm sure you've changed, I changed.
So that's how I want to start the date,
just light and airy.
So that's how you can say,
as opposed to saying, I don't want you to grab me.
You know what I mean?
Like you can find a more subtle way to say that.
Maria.
Hi.
So listen, I'm also one of those therapists too.
I think we're all on here.
So now this was very interesting for me
because you're not supposed to like
talk about any of these things,
but this is what I live for.
I live to hear about all of these things, right?
That's what all I do all day long.
So like, what are you supposed to connect around
if you're not talking about like-
The deep stuff.
Maria, I get it.
Were you here since the beginning of the call?
Did you hear-
On and off, on and off.
No, no, it's okay.
So A, you might want to play that back,
but I so get it.
Because I think what I admitted to you
at the very front of the show tonight
is that, you know, I've been in ministry for 30 years
and my best gift is getting people
to tell me their story really fast.
It works great in ministry- Me too.
It doesn't work great in dating
because then we end up becoming their caretaker
instead of nurturer.
So if you're like me,
let me go get this, hold on.
I'm gonna get this for you.
If you like to have deep conversation,
but you don't want to know their trauma,
get your hand.
I got this like literally at a tag sale.
It is conversation table topics,
but find something like this.
This has the most random questions.
So I will ask some of these on dates.
What would you rather see?
The Rose Bowl Parade, Macy's Thanksgiving Parade,
or Mardi Gras?
If you had to lose one of your senses,
which would you pick?
What would you like to learn how to do on your computer?
Which person in your family do you most resemblance?
If you had to move,
what would you miss most about your home?
Like these are fun.
of questions, right? These are not just, where do you live? Where do you go to work? What's your
favorite color? Like, come up with, like, if you had to pick what was your favorite subject in
school? What was your worst subject in school? Why? If they were going to make a movie about you,
who would play you? Would it be a drama? Would it be a comedy? If you were going to a potluck,
what would be your go-to item? So, like, you literally start to come up with, what is this
called? Conversation Table Topics Starters. I think it used to be at Restoration Hardware,
but I got it at Tag Self for, like, five bucks. So, I'm just saying you're going to have to be
really creative at coming up with what I would consider fun, thoughtful questions,
but they're not like, so tell me about your trauma bond and your dad wounds and your mom,
you can do what I'm saying. Yeah, I mean, because, like, I've had days where people,
like, you know, I talked to a guy one time on the phone and he just started crying,
talking to me. And, you know, and it was fine, but, you know, I'm used to that. So,
but I guess I didn't realize that that's wrong. Well, it's not that it's wrong. It's just going
to set you up to be the therapist and them to be the patient. And then either one of two things
is going to happen. He's either going to get healthy and then be embarrassed that he told
you all that stuff and he behaved that way with you, or he's going to stay unhealthy and he's just
going to have you continue to care take him. And then you're going to get bored with him.
So Maria, here's how you can handle it too. And it's what I've had to do. I have to have a lot
more fun dates now. I can't just be doing the sit and listening dates. It's why also I have to limit
the phone calls too, because otherwise I just can't help it. Like there's something in our
energy and it just causes them to just share. And so that's where you're going to want to pick
fun dates to like, go hiking, pick a, get a coffee. And instead of just sitting at the coffee
shop, go walk through town. You go ax throwing. He's not going to cry while you're ax throwing
or playing pool. Like, so try to pick fun activities. It's also going to help you to
get out of your therapist role. And I would say I have to go like, okay, what's in me that's still
drawing that out? Because it makes me feel good. It makes you feel good. Like that's,
but the problem is if we're sitting in that seat too much, then that's how we're fading.
And then that's how we start to one up them. And then like, I don't know about you, but I've
actually broken up with guys because they've shared way too much information too soon. And I'm
like, we don't have enough deposit for you to tell me all this trauma. Now I've just lost all my
respect for you, but I could have been part of the problem because I allowed that to happen.
I created space. Okay. And I know like there's this one guy y'all we dated like a year and a
half ago. He still likes everything of mine on Facebook. And I know he would like a second
chance, but he, you know, he, he just told me way too much, way too soon. And I'm like, uh,
like, uh, I do not want to manage you. Like I'm going to be me. I'm going to be your mother. And
I'm not want to do that. Now, if he was a really strong man, he'd be coming after me and be like,
Hey, so Renee, I've been noticing your Facebook a year later. You look still single. I'm going to
be bold. I've got my poo together. Like I don't need to be my therapist anymore. I'm ready to
date you. That would impress me. And I'd be like, all right, okay. I'd give him a chance,
but he's just lurking lurkers. Don't yeah. Anyway, I hope that helps Maria. I feel you.
I get it. Try to do fun things. Try to find fun, creative, silly questions. Like if you had a
superpower, what would it be? Because for you and I, those are still deep questions, but they're
easier. There's they're like softball deep. They're not like deep, you know? Okay. We can
go deep really fast. Yeah. Like instantly. Okay. I know. I know some of that's our trauma too.
Some of it is like, if we need to go, it's, um, it's false intimacy for those that need to go
deep really fast. Um, that is also us like trying to fill that void too. Like we,
we shouldn't want to go that they get a 12 step meeting. It's appropriate, but anywhere else,
it's not appropriate to go that deep, that quickly. That speaks to some of our own trauma
in the past too, that we need to attach really fast to people. Okay. It's going to be Jackie's
going to be doing a teaching on attachment style. Um, if you guys are not in phase three yet, it'll,
it'll be saved in the portal. So as soon as you get to stage three, uh, phase three, be sure Maria
in all of you to watch her attachment style training. Cause I think that's going to really
resonate with some of us that attach really fast with people. Okay. Well, this was very helpful.
Thank you. You bet you bet you guys. All right. This was eight 30, whatever time it is for y'all,
but we're going to have to close. I'm just waiting for Bethany to come back on and tell me, like,
stop talking. So I'm going to close this out in prayer. I'm going to give you a reason to come
back next week. Father God, thank you so much. I love that.
the humor, you're in the honesty.
I just ask for your hedge of protection
over each single woman on here.
For those of us that need you to be strong and firm in love,
and Father God, if there's anybody in our life
that is not good and for us,
if we are having a hard time saying no,
Father God, if you can't move that mountain,
if you can't move us, move the mountain, one or the other.
So if there are men that need to leave us
and we're not strong enough to get rid of them,
you get rid of them for us.
So I just ask for a hedge of protection
over every single person.
I ask for happy, healthy, holy,
amazing dates coming up for them.
And until we can see each other again,
in Jesus' name, amen.
All right, you guys, this was so much fun.
I look forward to hearing all about it next week.