This is the top of the hour.
So I'm so excited to be here with you guys.
You are in phase two, Love Story Accelerator.
Some of you have just joined us for the first time.
Some of you have been here for a few weeks.
And so what we like to do on Tuesday nights is,
Bethany and I pay attention to everything
that you guys are putting in the chat,
questions that are coming up.
And she is a genius at summarizing some themes
of what we're gonna kind of go over.
So I usually spend the front part
going over some housekeeping,
some themes that are coming up
and giving just some reminder teachings for y'all.
And then the show, the floor is yours.
And so this is a chance for you guys to come in.
And so consider this like small group coaching, really.
And it's a wonderful opportunity
for you to ask good questions, share a story with us,
let us hold you accountable.
There are like three people who owe us a dating update
and I'm so excited to hear about them.
And you guys, you learn from listening
to other people's stories.
Because sometimes like, I used to love that.
Like when I used to go see a one-on-one therapist,
you guys, I was really good at like,
not, I don't wanna say you con the con artist,
you know, like you can,
you know what a therapist wants to hear.
And if you're super smart, you know what to say, right?
But in like a group session, like a 12-step meeting,
you cannot con the con artists.
And so people will call you on your stuff peer to peer
and you also see your behavior in somebody else
and you're like, oh, that's what that looks like?
Oh my goodness.
And so it kind of gives you a window.
And so as you watch other people
and hear other people's stories,
you're gonna see yourself in that story,
but you'll see it with fresh eyes.
And that's why we all learn from one another.
And there's no shame here.
I loved it.
Last week, people were very honest
about the things that they're doing healthy
and about some of the unhealthy choices.
And we're not here to tell you, I told you so.
We're not here to tell you, you guys are awful people.
We're just here to say like, okay,
well, how's that serving you?
Let's learn from that.
And how can we make better choices next time?
You guys, I teach plenty of stuff to you.
And then I can be just as guilty of getting off this call
and going, having a three-hour Zoom date
because he was yummy
and the conversation was just going fabulous.
Who wanted to follow my rule of only one hour?
He's fabulous.
So do not think that we got it all figured out.
That's the beauty of this community.
I also wanna say is if you are watching this in replay
and you feel very disconnected from the community
because you're in another country
and there's no way you can be here at this hour,
we wanna make sure you participate.
So as you watch this replay and questions come up
and you have your own ahas,
we want you to create a post to put in the Facebook feed.
And you're gonna say,
hey, I just watched the replay that Jackie or Renee did.
This was the theme that was discussed.
Here are my questions or here are my ahas
or here's my scenario.
And the team, the coaches will respond to you.
So don't let your distance and not being here live
stop you from participating.
So there is a way for you to participate.
Okay, so just some homework assignments.
Now, most of you also recognize me
from the challenge group too.
So I was one that helped let you in a little while ago.
You all survived phase one, woo-hoo.
And now you're dating
and you're dating like rock stars or not.
And it's all good.
All right, some housekeeping items.
We always try to tell you, don't rush the process.
Y'all, I just started seminary, which is today,
which is like the opposite of like what we're trying to do.
I just got a reading assignment of like 175 pages
by next week.
I'm like, what happened to digesting it?
And so take advantage of this system that says go slow.
Like let the Lord unpack it.
You're gonna, if you're a good reader
and a good watcher of stuff,
you're gonna bang through this stuff really fast.
The hard part is sitting in the process,
letting God speak to you.
And I would definitely say if you're like me
and you came into this program,
you're like, I have been to everything.
I have done 12-step, I've done Celebrate Recovery,
I've done Freedom Training, I've been so-so'd,
I've been to this place, I've been to that place.
Y'all, that was me.
I have been to everything and I have done everything.
And so I know what it's like to kind of come into this
going, I'm just gonna do what Jackie's gonna make me do
for like the next six weeks so that I can get to community
and I can start dating again and all the things.
But I really want you to be open.
Even when I re-watched the videos,
now, years later, I still learn something every time.
Jackie still learns stuff from her own teaching.
Like, that's the beauty, right?
Like, you guys pick up the Bible
and all of a sudden a verse-
looks different today than it did five years ago.
That's the beauty of the gospel.
And so that's the beauty of this content is that God is always speaking, always revealing.
So if you don't give yourself the space for him to unfold that, you might find that you're,
and I will say, we see this time and again.
If you skip through this process or you kind of phone it in and you start dating and you're
wondering why you're still attracting bozos.
You wonder why you're still attracting the narcissist.
You wonder why you still like, you know, well, it's cause you didn't change, like nothing
changed.
So of course you're going to get the same results.
So do it at your own pace.
And if you're like, but Renee, I'm actually the opposite.
Like I'm on the 10 week plan.
That's okay too.
Like you, you do you boo.
You go at the pace you need to go to, um, obviously I covered that.
Okay.
Distractions will happen.
You guys, it is really easy whenever you're trying to be healthy, whether it's a diet,
like, okay, you know, whenever you want to watch what you eat, everybody and their mother
shows up with like a homemade pie, the brand new cake, a new recipe, new pasta dish.
All of a sudden you've been invited to five dinners and it's all buffet, you know, all
the things, or, you know, like you're finally ready to go to the gym and there's a snowstorm
and you can't get to the gym.
And so the same is true for heartwork.
It's like the enemy's going to try to find ways to distract you.
So just kind of like laugh in his face when it comes to you know that you're, you're just
going to have it.
And some of you are going to have waves of feeling lots of energy and excitement, and
you're going to also have waves of feeling unexplained discouragement and sadness.
Just know that that is part of the process.
Bring it all to the Lord.
Like trust that he's got you and you guys make sure you say it here.
Find somebody in community, find safe places to talk about it because we all need to have
our pity party day.
Like, I don't know about you, but like, I'm normally like I'm working with a fitness and
nutrition coach right now.
And in 12 weeks she has never seen me complain, slip up, make a mistake.
Well, I was just, I came back from the new year.
I left home.
I was back in Nashville.
I was just not, I was just feeling like crap and you know, the scale wasn't my friend.
I gave her like the biggest bitch fest in my weekly report.
She'd never seen it before.
She was like, oh my gosh, what happened to my perfect student?
And but I just, and I just said, and even to sit in this thing, I said, do not give
me tough love.
I need to vent.
I need to feel the feels.
You know how Jack always says you can't heal the feels until you feel the feel.
So I'm like, I need to feel my feels.
And so she was like, oh my gosh, but she knows I don't do that very often.
So I will say this.
If you don't do that very often, if you don't have the pity party very often, we will let
you have it.
However, if we see you being negative week after week after week, we will call you on
it and we may even impart a negativity fast on you.
You may get a lovely message from me or somebody else that says, yeah, you're not allowed to
comment for a couple of weeks because all you're doing is just writing negative stuff.
So we are paying attention to it.
So yes, are we all allowed to have a bad day?
For sure.
But if you are all, you remember, I think one of the Royal rules is to lift all boats.
It's to lift all boats.
So we're here to support each other.
You asked, yeah, I did look at, I did ask, I said, don't give me tough love.
I knew I, you guys, I knew I'm, I can handle tough love, but I knew I was not in the space
that day to handle tough love.
Like I would have quit.
I'd been like, it wasn't worth it.
So I think it's okay for you to say to your friends, you guys, and if you watch the boundaries,
when you watch the boundary sessions, if it's the one that I really like, I give a cheat
sheet of what to say to somebody.
And it's like the thing to put up on the wall when you have a husband.
And it basically, depending on how you start the sentence, it lets them know if they're
supposed to just listen, support you or fix it.
This way they know right in your opening sentence, what their job is to do.
And so sometimes ladies, we just need to vent and it's okay.
It's okay.
All right.
So anyway, let's see.
When your heart and head aren't feeling it, it says after going on a few dates and they
like the guy, but he isn't into them or so sometimes, and this is going to happen.
You're going to like a guy, but he's not into you, or you're not going to like a guy, but
he's into you.
This is going to happen.
You're going to, if you try the online thing again, and I teach the online thing and I
teach the boundaries class, because I feel so strongly about both of them.
I actually, the irony is I felt so strongly again.
online dating, that Jackie made me do online dating until I became a rock star at it, and
then she made me teach on it.
So there's the irony.
So when you tell me that you hated online dating, get in line behind me.
But I have found a way to master it.
And here's what I, let me jump in and say this about online dating.
You guys, the internet, like there was what we call the dot-bomb industry happened when
the internet kind of came on the scene in the late 90s.
People created companies on the web just to create a company on the web.
They didn't have a good product.
They didn't use the web as a tool.
They just, they tried to make a web business.
Do you know what I'm saying?
It's like, and the only companies that survived were the companies that already had a solid
company.
The web was just a tool.
And that's the thing with online dating.
Go into it thinking, you know what, I am not going to meet my husband online, but oh
my gosh, I'm going to have a wonderful time practicing how to date, practice how to do
discovery dating, practice how to flirt, practice how to break up with somebody, practice how
to date more than one guy at the same time.
I'm going to use this opportunity to practice.
I'm also going to be able to spot scammers and ding-dongs faster and faster and faster.
So when I meet my guy at church or at the grocery store or at Bass Pro Shop or I don't
care whatever, the cleaners of course are coming right now.
So that's what I want you to think about it.
Now, if you meet your spouse online, bonus, that's how you meet your spouse, but like
don't freak out.
You're like, oh my gosh, I can't believe they're making me go online.
It's just a vehicle.
I wasn't meeting enough single men in real life.
So if I was going to meet that dating challenge, the only way I was going to meet it was by
going online.
So now it's like you guys can watch that video because honestly, like I look at it in the
morning.
I look at it at the end of the day.
Do I still get scammers?
Sure.
And I can spot them now.
Like sometimes if I'm really bored, I like to play a little, I'm like, hey, you seem
awesome too.
Let's do a video date.
And you know, they, you know, and so like, here's the thing, you guys, you are God defended
now.
He is a jerk, inappropriate, a scammer.
You have the tools to snuff him out faster.
You're not going to give out your bank account.
You're not going to say, I love you.
You're not going to send pictures of yourself.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Like you guys are going to do it right.
So who cares?
Like, I don't know.
I don't even notice anymore because I noticed the quality guys and yes, are there seasons
when I'm online and it's like nothing.
Sure.
And I just go do other things.
I go find other ways to meet people.
I pick other things in my life to get excited about.
I don't kind of get all upset about it.
So just know that your heart and head aren't going to always line up.
Just know that sometimes it's going to feel like feast or famine.
Sometimes just like weight loss, right?
Like sometimes when you're dieting, you hit a plateau and then they get what you, they
call the gush.
So like I just had a gush, you guys, I'm in a fat cut, a calorie cut phase, so I should
be losing weight.
And it was just like staying steady, staying steady.
It was just pissing me off.
It wasn't moving.
Then all of a sudden in one day, I technically lost three pounds.
Now, did I lose three pounds overnight?
No.
But it was like there was a pocket.
There's like a whole science behind it.
Like there's a pocket and finally the body realizes, okay, she's really not filling it
with fat.
So we get to release it.
That's kind of how it is with dating.
Like you're going to have seasons where it's not going to feel like you're seeing any fruit
from it, but you have to trust that the fruit's being born and it's, it's that, you know,
you will, you will bear fruit on it.
Another topic came up is unresolved anger with men are starting to show up as you date.
You know, guys, and that's really good because Jackie always says her in relationship healed
in relationship.
So we can only read so many self-help books, do so much journaling, do so much sozoing,
do so much praying single.
There's only so much healing we can do single.
Some of our healing is going to happen dating, really dating in a serious relationship.
So don't, don't get upset with yourself when you get triggered in those moments.
Go, oh, here I am.
Here's a new layer.
Here's a new onion that I'm peeling of this.
Where's this anger coming from?
And usually if we feel like the anger or emotion we're feeling isn't matching the situation,
it means it's always referring back to something else.
And so the question that Jackie or Bethany will always say to you is when's the first
time you felt that way?
When was the first time you felt angry towards a man?
When was the first time you felt disappointed?
When was the first time you felt cast aside?
Because usually if we're having a strong reaction, it's not.
because of this person in front of us that we barely know,
it's because it's reminding us
to something really painful in the back.
And so God's opening that moment up to give us a chance
to go back and heal it back here.
The other thing is activating the divine feminine.
Now, how many of you have seen the divine feminine video?
So raise your hand, your avatar hand if you've seen it.
Okay, if you haven't seen it yet, you guys, the goldmine.
And I love it because for women
that are very demure, wallflower, you guys hide,
you've been hiding behind your profile photos,
it kind of teaches you how to come up out of your shell.
Then for those of us that are kind of loud
and proud and boss babes, it teaches us
how can we still be strong, but in a feminine way?
Because I don't know about you, but as the strong one,
I kept hearing, you're too much, you're too much,
you're intimidating.
And so the divine feminine doesn't say, don't be strong.
It just says, be strong differently.
It's not, not be strong.
It's just shine differently.
And so that one was really, really helpful for me.
And in fact, I wanna highlight three,
there's seven characteristics that Jackie mentions
and the teaching is great.
Go back and watch if you haven't.
But especially as you go through this dating season,
there's three characteristic that make up
the divine feminine and it's really the attributes
of the Holy Spirit.
I just saw this, I can't remember now.
Now I'm taking so many classes.
No, no, I was in the freedom prayer training.
So, you know, a lot of the divine masculine
will show up in God's characteristic, right?
And when we look at Jesus, you know,
sometimes we, Jesus kind of matches how our sibling is.
Oh, I'm sorry.
God, sometimes we think of God in our image
compared to our father.
When we look at Jesus, he can almost be like the sibling.
When we look at the Holy Spirit
and we kind of look at the woman.
So the woman really kind of has a lot
of the Holy Spirit elements.
And so one of them is wisdom and discernment.
And so a lot of times we really need to trust our wisdom
and discernment.
If you are now coming in with a healed heart,
that button inside of you that's like,
that you know in your knower, you call it gut.
Women tend to call it our sixth sense,
our intuition and our gut.
If we are coming at it with a healed heart,
that is the Holy Spirit,
that is the divine feminine working in us.
So pay attention to that.
If you're asking a lot of questions about a guy,
you have a lot of concerns and it's coming
from a healed heart, that is the Holy Spirit
trying to help you.
Now, if you don't have a healed heart,
it's gonna more look like judgment, suspicion,
picky and negative.
So that's where you kind of have to go like,
okay, is this me being discerning
or is this me being nitpicky or naggy or judgy Mcjudgy?
And the more you press into the Holy Spirit
and the more you press into God,
he will reveal that to you.
I can tell if I take some space
to know when my discernment is creeping up
and when my picky, negative, not healed heart is picking up.
And you know how I know it's discernment from Holy Spirit?
Because I can breathe and I feel peace.
That's how you know, because actually the second attribute
that I wanted to highlight tonight from the divine feminine
is that we carry the role of the comforter,
peace and shalom.
So if we have shalom working for us
and we have discernment working for us,
we should know that we're God defended
and we should be loving this dating season
no matter what the turnout is
because we have to trust that we have the peace of God in us
and we have discernment to know when to move forward
and when to move left and when to move right
and when to back up all together.
And then the last one, I wanna remind you guys of this.
We also bring the attribute of fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.
If we are not fun, men won't pick us.
It's interesting, I went to the guys page
and it was like from a year ago
and Jackie asked a bunch of men
what did they notice most about women first?
And I was on another Facebook page of Christian people.
The same question was asked,
men, what do you notice about women first?
And I talked about this last week.
They notice your smile and they notice your eyes.
And so y'all like if you've got negative Nancy on your face,
then they're going to recognize that,
no dis on the Nancys in the room.
Okay, so I really want you to lean into that this week.
How can I pay attention to my discernment?
How can I be more peaceful?
And how can I be more fun?
So I really want y'all to tap into that.
And again, you only need to be afraid of online dating.
I think if you give away too much information too soon,
it's really that simple, you guys.
You keep those text messages short and sweet.
I don't mean literally pull out your resume.
Someone's like, oh, you give out your resume?
No, I'm just saying I call texting information,
the information, I don't care
if it falls onto the New York Times.
I don't care if the guy at Walgreens knows it.
It is information about me.
I don't care if anybody knows.
That is all you're supposed to share by text.
Then you go to a video chat,
and it is okay if you say, that's a great question,
or you know what?
I really don't wanna keep texting anymore.
I would like to get to know you more.
Those are questions I would ask by video only.
And I'm just clear, video only.
If they don't wanna do video, we're done.
And so then I do the video,
and I have a few shorter conversations
where you get to ask fun, silly dating questions
that are just like,
now, what was your favorite subject in school?
And if you, you know, like just fun,
creative questions that you can ask just to keep it light.
A lot of you guys get hung up with,
he's also sharing too much information.
You're gonna come across this.
You're gonna either find a guy that shares
too much information or not enough information at all.
They are dating clunky.
They don't know how to do it.
That doesn't make them a bad guy.
It just make either A, he's unhealed,
or B, he doesn't know how to date.
And so it is okay for you to say,
that's a really great question,
but you know what, I'm gonna,
let's table that until we get to know each other better.
Or I'm gonna, I wanna hold space for that later.
This is, let's just continue to get to know each other.
And that's really why you wanna push for that live date.
You really wanna push for that live date.
And ladies, there's some of you
that are doing the long distance thing,
and you're afraid to get to the live date.
Please get to the live date.
Because it is impossible to not start to overshare
when all you're doing is video dating.
Because you've got nothing else to do.
You're not going to the movies.
You're not going to play pool.
You're not going ax throwing.
You're not taking a hike.
You literally are just staring at each other
for most of the part.
And so you are going to just start
and actually sharing, sharing more information.
And a digital connection
doesn't always translate in real life.
And you know, and it is okay to say,
look, I'm not trying to marry you.
I just wanna meet you in person.
And you know what?
We're gonna plan a fun date.
And even if we decide we're not a match,
we're gonna both agree that we're gonna have fun
no matter what.
And we're gonna take the pressure off of ourselves.
Because actually I would argue
if you're afraid to meet in person,
the longer you wait to meet in person,
the more pressure you're putting on that in-person date.
You're making it very important.
And all of a sudden,
so I want you to have some freedom there.
If you are like states away
and someone's gonna have to get on a plane
and money's an issue, have fun on dates.
You can Google online Zoom games.
I've played Yahtzee.
I've played Uno.
I've played Scattergories.
You can go on a walk together.
You can cook some food together.
So if you are stuck doing a lot of video dates,
make them activities.
Try to be creative and fun.
Okay, I'm gonna stop right there
because we have some ladies from last week
who need to give us some updates.
And they're gonna be brave souls.
And so they're gonna go in the hot seat first.
And by the way, this is actually putting you in training
because there's a monthly class
that Jackie offers called Love Seat.
She doesn't call it Hot Seat.
She calls it the Love Seat.
And so if you have a dating dilemma,
you get in the Love Seat
and she will give you feedback in front
of a hundred other people.
But it's great because we all learn something
even if you're not the one.
So this is just practice
because there's only like, you know,
there's less than a hundred people in the room right now.
And so it's a much more calm way to do it.
So Shannon has already agreed to go first
because she, and so Shannon remind the group
because there are some people here tonight
that were not here last week.
So in one minute or less,
tell us the dating situation
that you were in the middle of
because I believe you had your first live date
or a live date, yes?
Yeah, so I had been talking to a guy
that I met on Bumble for about three weeks.
We live about three hours apart
and we had been attempting to do a live date
for the last two weeks,
but every time we scheduled something, something happened.
Like someone got sick or there was bad weather.
And so we finally had our first live date on Saturday
after like three weeks of talking on the phone.
And the problem-
So remind us Shannon, what was something I was,
I can't even remember anymore because I'm old.
So the problem-
What was one thing I was a little concerned about?
You were concerned about how much
we were talking on the phone.
Oh yeah.
And for how long?
Yeah.
As we were talking on the phone,
like four or five days a week for like a couple hours.
Okay.
So you guys,
if some of you haven't taken the dating 101 class
that are online dating,
we usually try to encourage to keep the dates
at an hour on the phone or on video,
because the longer you stay on the video phone,
you start to get more and more intimate in conversation.
It's just natural.
That's just where it goes.
So keep going.
Yeah.
So we did do our in-person date on Saturday.
Oh, well, also I'll tell you this.
So I did,
I did listen to you and Bethany's advice
and we didn't talk on the phone at all on Wednesday.
We just texted a little bit.
We did talk on the phone on Thursday.
We did not talk on the phone on Friday.
And then we had the in-person date on Saturday.
So I was trying to be very good.
Awesome.
How did it go?
So it started out good.
Did not end as...
So one of the things that,
I don't remember if it was you or if it was Bethany,
the concern was boundaries.
Like if the boundaries for talking on the phone so much
possibly could mean maybe not being as good
at like physical boundaries.
Yeah.
And so that was kind of already in my mind before the date,
but the date started out really well.
We actually ended up instead of meeting halfway,
we met in my hometown.
My hometown is only about 45 minutes from him.
And it's a little over two hours for me,
but my parents are there.
My brother who carries a gun for his work is there.
So it just made me feel better.
You had to drive farther.
However, you were in a safer area.
Yes.
I will accept that.
Yes.
So we, and we met up at a metro park,
but it was not a like woody secluded metro park.
It's on the river.
And so it's very open and there's a playground
and there's this big like sledding hill
and it was packed full of people
because it had snowed last week.
So it was very public.
So anyway, so we went to the park
and everything was going really well.
And it was just really comfortable and really natural.
Just like when we talked on the phone
and then we got cold.
And so we were leaving to go get coffee.
And then he opened the car door to let me in.
And then all of a sudden he turned around and kissed me.
And I was not expecting it.
So I was like, I was like, I froze.
I didn't know what to do.
He swooped in.
Yes.
He swooped in.
And then he kissed me again.
So, and wanted to make out.
And so like the whole physical boundaries thing
was definitely, yeah.
Because at this point, he's gotten to know you so well
that in his brain, it's not a first date.
It's like.
And it didn't, and honestly it didn't feel like one.
That was the first thing I noticed.
Like the comfortability, it didn't,
there wasn't like the usual first date
awkward feeling at all.
And so absolutely, absolutely.
Like the phone calls definitely set that up for sure.
Yeah.
So I, it was just, for me, it was like, okay.
Like there were, it was definitely
he did not have physical boundaries.
So, you know, we ended the date
and he like indicated he wanted to go out again.
But then like Sunday,
I didn't talk to him on the phone Sunday,
but I really was just like,
just like kind of processing it and praying it.
Cause it really left me uncomfortable.
And so the craziest thing happened.
So I did prophesy your year two weeks ago
and we were finishing it Sunday night.
And I like, so I was pulling up my workbook that night
and looking through the months we had already completed.
And it wasn't in January,
but in March something was written in there
that freaked me out.
Someone from one of the breakout rooms
actually said this to me, they said,
lean into learning to be charming in March
or recognizing charm that is deceptive and manipulative.
And the sign would be seeing a box of lucky charms.
So the reason that freaked me out is because,
so I'm a big Ohio state football fan.
He was a Michigan fan.
If you know, you know, you know.
So, but it was, you know, it's fun.
We'd razz each other about it.
So we were talking on the phone
while he was watching the Michigan game
when they won the national championship.
And so he started referring to me as his lucky charm.
And then as a joke,
because I thought it was funny.
I bought a box of lucky charm cereal
and gave it to him on Saturday.
Totally forgot that this had happened the Sunday before
that anyone had, totally didn't remember it.
And so I'm reading this and I'm freaking out.
Thank you.
Mandy, yes, go Bucs.
So I'm like, oh my God.
So where have you decided to land with him?
Well, so this is, it's gotten even more interesting.
Like, so I didn't talk to him Sunday.
We did text because he's a big Lions fan and the Lions had.
OK, so let me ask you this.
Did you put a boundary up with the kissing?
So for those who are new to phase two,
this may sound super old fashioned.
This is just a guideline.
You guys are grown, stinking women.
You make your own choices.
But we do not encourage making out
until you know you want to be exclusive.
Because at this point, if you're stating multiple people,
we don't want you swapping spit with everybody.
A hug, a kiss on the cheek, we're fine with that.
And for most of us, we have so many wounds.
And if he's a really hot kisser, we can't see any red flags.
So we don't do that to like be the poo-poo police.
We do that to protect you while you're trying
to get your dating game back on.
We want to make sure you kind of put at bay the making out
till you've really made sure he's a guy that you want to date.
So that's why.
So how did you handle the making out?
No, I just.
Did you just push him to the side?
What did you have to do?
Yes, like both.
OK.
Both.
And how did you handle that?
Definitely still tried to kind of push into that a little bit.
And that's why like Sunday, I was really like,
hmm, this is a red flag to me.
So we didn't.
And you guys, that's the important part.
If he's a gentleman, if he is the three M's, masculine,
marriage-minded, and mature, and then a godly guy,
he's going to do whatever you want to do to feel safe.
Whether it's, I want a video date before I give you
my cell phone number.
I want to go out on a live date before I
let you become Facebook or Instagram friends with me.
No matter what it is.
But here's the thing.
As long as you say, look, I'm just
trying to watch my boundaries.
I'm trying to be safe.
Or you know what?
You're adorable.
I really want to make out with you, too.
But I'm really learning.
I need to rein that in on the first date.
So you let him down and let them know you're still
interested while you're setting up a boundary.
And how well he responds to that boundary
says more to you than whether or not he kissed you or not.
Like him going in for the kiss.
A lot of guys, if they like you, they're
going to go in for the kiss.
So we don't fault the guy for going in for the kiss.
But we fault him if we declare a boundary,
but let him know we're still interested
and they don't appreciate the boundary.
So this is good learning for everybody.
So we didn't talk on Sunday.
Just texted a little.
And then Monday, usually he'll send me a good morning text
or something.
And so he did that.
But then was kind of radio silent the rest of the day,
which is not normal.
And then I tried to call him last night
and he didn't answer, which is also not normal.
And then today, nothing.
Cricket.
Dun, dun, dun.
And tried to call again and didn't.
Immediately went to voicemail.
So definitely has ghosted now.
And it's possible he has ghosted you because you
wouldn't play on that date.
Yeah.
And so that makes you, and you guys, and here's the thing.
It's not that it's not good to connect with somebody
right away.
And I know there's a lot of terms we use.
We say gaslighting, love bombing.
Here's the thing.
We're all capable of diving in too quickly.
Whether someone is clinically love bombing you
or subconsciously love bombing you, we could be guilty of it.
It's just really easy when you finally
meet somebody you connect with to just.
And the problem is, if you don't show restraint.
And so one of the best things I heard a Christian counselor
say to me.
And I was like, I used to work at a pregnancy center
and I used to teach abstinence.
And he said, same muscle that you practice abstinence single
is the same muscle for fidelity married.
It's the same muscle.
If you have a hard time being abstinent as a single person,
do not think that if you finally get married,
you're going to nail down the fidelity thing.
It's the same muscle.
It's learning restraint.
It's not letting your body get ahead of you.
It's mind, spirit, soul, then body.
But in a way, though, Shannon, I'm kind of glad it happened.
But the bummer is.
Well, it revealed true colors sooner.
I revealed it sooner, but here's the thing,
because you guys spent so many hours talking to each other,
it's possible you could have revealed information
about yourself that you don't want a stranger to know.
Do you know what I'm saying?
And so, and that's what happens when we start to,
you know, I call it the emotional or share hangover.
You have a share hangover
because you have this instant bonding connection
and you vomit all this really intimate information
about yourself, and now all of a sudden,
this guy's out there in the world
with that information that's sacred,
and you've just given it away to somebody
who hasn't earned the right to hear that information.
So we wanna make sure that the men
that we are giving our private information to
earn the right to hear that and hold that information.
We wanna hold our information and our story sacred.
So I feel like this story gave you guys
a lot of different nuggets.
Before I'm gonna let the next person go, Amanda Adkins,
are you willing to show us your face?
Can you get off the thing and let me see you, girl?
Because I wanna respond to what you had to say.
There you are.
No, no, you're good.
All right, I wanna see you.
I wanna take a good look at you.
Okay, you're beautiful.
Here's what I wanted to say.
You're beautiful and you have a great smile.
So you just said, no, is it you that said it?
Where is it?
Oh, no, no, no.
I want you to listen to this
and you tell me if this would attract a guy,
because the way you wrote this,
that's the energy you're gonna bring to the room, okay?
I have never dated.
No one has ever been interested in me.
I did some Facebook dating and tried to talk to people,
but I have no game.
No one has ever responded past, hi, how are you?
I have no idea.
Do you hear like the negative energy that's in that?
Now, there is truth.
Remember how Jackie says there's truth and there's facts?
Those might be the facts of your past,
but that is not the truth about who you are.
So the truth about who you are
is that you're an incredible human being
that God has designed and created.
And so when you start to criticize you,
you are criticizing the creator.
And that's true for all of us.
When I start to crap on myself and I don't like my height,
the sound of my voice, all the things,
like I don't like my nose, it's super Italian.
It's like when I start to rag on myself,
I insult the creator.
And the creator designed me just the way he meant to.
And the creator designed Amanda
just the way that he meant to.
And Amanda, I believe he has the counterpart just for you.
Now, does that mean you're gonna snag,
attract all the guys?
No, I don't attract all the guys.
Like you guys, I'm a short four foot 11 Italian girl
with a soccer body, a gymnast body.
That does not attract all the dudes.
It does not.
If he wants a tall, thin girl, he's not picking me.
And then no matter how nice and cute
and sweet and bubbly I am, no matter.
But I don't need all of the guys to pick me.
I just need one guy to pick me, just one.
You guys, my cousin is gorgeous.
She's like Jennifer Aniston gorgeous.
Like literally men have fallen at her feet
since she was 14.
I'm not kidding.
Like I'm not exaggerating.
Fallen, she's in her fifties.
I keep waiting for menopause age,
something to catch up with her.
And it just refuses to.
And she still has men falling all over her.
But you wanna know that?
She was in two of the most abusive marriages ever.
Treated like crap, cheated on.
And so you know what?
We're both single at our age.
And she's like, Renee, I fared no better.
And so don't be looking at the pretty girls
thinking she's gonna have it made in this.
And so I want us to say yet.
That the phrase that Bethany always says is yet.
You know what?
I have not been noticed yet.
I haven't gotten a date yet.
So that's how you're gonna start phrasing stuff.
So you could come on here and go, you know what?
I have not dated yet.
I have not, in the past I've been online
and I have not yet figured out how to attract men yet.
But I'm gonna keep doing this
and I'm gonna keep practicing
and I'm gonna put myself out there.
You guys, Jackie's brought this story up
and she's long gone from the program.
One of the program I was in,
I was with the group three years ago.
Literally the girl least likely.
She was the frumpiest girl, maybe the most overweight.
Then on looks, very sweet personality.
She was like, this is never going to happen for me.
Y'all, she was the first one to get married.
The first one in our group to get married.
And she's like happier than a pig in poo.
So whatever you think is the thing that's holding you back
is the thing that's gonna draw your guy in.
And so I'm just gonna encourage you.
to take those negative things and spin them around.
But you guys, men can sniff out desperation.
Like men can sniff out negative attitude.
I don't know about you, but how many of us,
raise your avatar hand if you read a guy's profile
and he's just pissed and negative.
Cause he's like, I don't want any drama.
I'm not giving you my money.
I'm not doing this.
We've all seen that, okay?
We've all seen that profile.
How many of you like that profile?
Nobody likes that profile.
I will never pick a guy that says, I'm easy.
I'm this, I don't want any drama.
Cause you know what?
Usually the people who say, I don't want drama,
they're the ones causing the dang drama.
Women don't like drama either.
Like we don't.
So like, I'm so tired of men saying, I don't want drama.
Really? I don't either.
Like, so maybe it's your fault that it's happening.
You're the common denominator to drama.
I don't know.
So we have to like, you know,
and sometimes you have to act it until it's true.
You just do.
Sometimes you just have to fake it till you make it
because it's like, it really does work y'all
and find your best outfit.
Like you guys, I got this shirt in Italy
and I was wearing my pajamas like 20 minutes
before we all got on the call.
I was tired.
I was not feeling good.
I'd been up all day.
I had class today and I was going to bring that energy
to this session.
So I'm like, all right, girls gotta, you know,
Renee, you got to put some mascara on,
put a little lip gloss on and go get a cute shirt on
because you need to show up with your best self
to go inspire these women.
And so that's what you have to do.
Sometimes you have to put your best outfit on,
go get your hair done,
find your friends to tell you all of the cool things
about you.
Come to prayer, come to prayer, come to prayer,
come to prayer.
So Amanda, I did not mean to pick on you
because you are not alone,
but look at your beautiful smile.
Why would you hide behind?
So I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone,
that you are one of a hundred people
that could have written that post.
And you're just going to say yet,
because it's still yet for me.
If it's yet for me, it's yet for you and it is okay.
And if you don't have enough hope, you guys borrow mine,
borrow Bethany's, borrow Jackie's,
because we're going to have enough hope for all of you.
All right, how about that?
Laura, are you ready to ask a question
or bring up a story that you want us to help with you?
I have kind of a story and a question.
So there's a guy that I go to church, that goes to my church
and he's in my life group
and I never see him with anyone.
I never see him bring anyone.
I've just, I asked my life group leader,
is he single?
Like before I started the heart work stuff,
I asked her this.
And so last week we had,
or this past Sunday we had life group
and I was really close.
I was like, I'm going to ask him
if he wants to go out for coffee or something,
and I didn't do it, I chickened out.
Well, I asked for his number and I asked her,
I said, is this his number?
And she said, yes.
And so I texted him
and I didn't know what kind of answer I would get.
And so I said, you know, I said,
hey, I'm kind of stepping out of my comfort zone a little
and I'm wanting to get to know people in the group.
And he said, and I said, would you like to, you know,
get together for a coffee or something?
I don't know, coffee something sometime, you know,
I didn't say as a date or anything,
I just wanted to get together as friends.
And he finally answered me back and he said,
that's good that you're stepping out of your comfort zone,
I need to do that too.
I appreciate your invitation,
but I wanna get to know the church,
get better acquainted with the church itself.
So I was kind of like, okay.
I wasn't like this, I was a little discouraged,
but at the same time, I wasn't like,
my reaction was better than.
I'm so, first, I'm so proud of you, Laura.
And you know what, you're not asking somebody out for a date.
I also wouldn't say the phrase, let's go out as friends.
Don't say that, just say, hey, you know what?
I just feel like I wanted to get,
I wanted to ask you out for coffee,
just a chance to get to know you better.
Get to know you better.
Just thought I would like to get to know you better.
So I'm just, that's my.
to all of you, because sometimes we either say,
I'd like to ask God on a date, that might be too much.
Or, hey, let's just go out for coffee just as friends.
And then that might give the guy the impression
it's just as friends.
But I feel like he basically was as polite as he could,
and he said no.
Right.
Here's the good news, Laura, he don't know you.
So his initial decision was, and here,
I'm not surprised, because sometimes when guys
are stepping into a new church,
they wanna get the lay of the land
before they couple up with a girl.
So that might be his true answer.
Like, it might have nothing to do with you.
Like, sometimes the no has nothing to do with us.
And it's just timing.
So is there a question, though?
What was your question?
I'm really proud of you.
Great job.
And you didn't take it too personal.
So also, great job.
Well, my question was, I asked it on the group page.
But, like, I just started the Facebook dating thing.
And I'm like, it's kind of overwhelming.
And, you know, I've already had guys like me,
and I'm like, I don't know, you know,
I don't wanna pass up every guy,
but most of the guys that have liked me
are guys I would, I'm not too sure about.
And of course, there's not a maybe on that.
And I know, I can't remember if you said
that you need to wait for them to talk to you.
No, you don't need to do anything.
You do what you need to do.
All right, so on Facebook dating, you guys,
there's the liked you.
So here's how I treat the liked me,
the same way guys treat it.
If it's a maybe, it's a yes, right?
It's a maybe.
Now, usually when a guy, for me,
starts out with this picture of the fish, that's a no.
And he didn't say anything else.
He's not gonna write a profile.
He ain't my guy.
So I start, yes, no.
Then you go to the matches.
Look, you guys, here's all the guys that, shoot.
There's like 30 guys that have liked me, and I liked back.
Now, if I wanted to, I could send that first message.
And I could, like, hey, I noticed we both liked each other.
Read my profile.
If you wanna chat still, I'm here.
That's a great way to open the conversation.
That Bumble kind of would force you to do that too, right?
Because Bumble makes you be the first person.
So a lot of times with Bumble, I would say,
hey, looks like we both matched each other.
Go ahead and read my profile.
If you're still interested in getting to know me,
message me, otherwise have a great day, boom.
So that's how I don't get overwhelmed on Facebook.
So when you like them and they like you back,
you've not decided anything, you've not.
Now, if you really like them,
you can be the first one to start the message.
I tend to not, because again,
I wanna know that a guy's kind of pursuing me.
But if I see a really, like, good, good match,
I might go first.
But usually I wait for them,
and then they start the conversation.
Depending on how they start the conversation,
what they have to say, I give everybody,
if I've kind of liked them,
I give everybody a couple sentences.
But if I was, meh, about him,
and he doesn't win me over in the texting,
I don't even push for the video date.
I just go, and I used to like end it,
but you guys, I've even gotten like this one guy.
It's like, he just stopped talking.
Delete, like, look it, right now,
delete this conversation, boof.
I don't know, I'm an explanation.
We've not really talked much, boom.
So that's how you not make,
Shannon's laughing at me.
That's how you not make a big deal out of it.
It's just like, you're not gonna miss your guy.
You're not gonna miss your guy.
So I tend to now have given more people chances.
Again, I've been on this longer, you guys,
so I've earned the right to skip past the fishmen.
Like, I already know where this is gonna go
with the fishermen.
And so, like, I can do that.
But if y'all just starting, you go talk to the fishermen.
You gotta give him a chance.
So that's my guidance to you.
Carolyn, I'm very excited for you to go.
And Carolyn, you have to give everybody
like a one minute update of your situation.
Cause you were part of the homework from last week, right?
That's why I raised my hand, Renee.
I'm so proud of you.
I was afraid you weren't gonna show up.
All right, give everybody one minute summary
of your situation and we're gonna see how you're doing.
Can I just razz you though?
Because you asked, you know, for like, not tough love
and, you know, Jackie was so nice
and I asked for not tough love
and then you gave me tough love last week.
Can I just say, I'm a brave woman
to come back here right now.
Can I just call you out, Renee?
I love you.
Fair enough.
Oh, fair enough.
In my defense, in my defense, I had 11 weeks in a row of tough love with my
coach, I wanted one week of a pity party, but I feel you and I apologize.
And I'm actually really proud that both you and Shannon showed up today.
Cause y'all need to be in the hot seat.
There's a third person.
I can't remember who it is, but there is a third person.
No, it was the girl.
It was the, um,
I don't want to say Hannah.
Anyway, your story, it's your turn.
I don't know.
Okay.
Sorry.
Um, yeah, so really quick, basically dated somebody in September that really
turned my head because there were like all these things that lined up like boom,
boom, boom, boom.
There's one thing that God's like, if that doesn't change, it won't work.
But like mission minded, like all these things, like wealthy, which is nice.
Like, anyway, adopted kids from Ethiopia, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Like all this really amazing stuff.
And then took a couple of times and then we started to really like
each other and, uh, really fun.
It was like, it seemed like I was really gonna take off.
And then I did something I've never done before.
And I kissed him, like got all up in there.
Like, well, what the heck?
Like, I'm going to have kids people, but like not so soon when I don't
really know them yet, like what in the heavens, man, just saying.
Carolyn is thirsty right now.
Lord help.
So anyway, 42 plastic about it.
So we're not going to read it again.
Hey, I already know.
But anyway, so.
So yeah, long story short, Scott wanted to be friends and I was like,
I can't be friends owner.
You guys, he went all time heavy.
Then he went on some other woman, his ex-girlfriend came back and he's all
like, you know, not just kissing her.
Right.
Yeah.
So yuck.
So what the heck anyway?
And so I was like, no, no, I can't really be friends.
And then it went, so I've tried to block him.
Then I unblocked him.
And then like, but we haven't.
And then, and then at some point he did boomerang back in November.
He did whiplash me again.
He came back with, okay.
In two weeks, you want to like, try again and totally like, and then the next day
goes, nevermind.
And so I was like,
and this guy has gone hot and heavy friend zoned back to the old girlfriend,
hot and heavy friend zone.
And he's played this game with her a few times, but, but basically he like popped
up again last week or the week before just saying, I really can, are you ready
just to be friends and talk?
And I'm like, we don't really have a friend base.
You know, I have guy friends where we thought about it and now we're like in the
friend zone again.
And now he wants to be just friends with her.
Yeah.
So, so he still has attraction to him.
Well, yeah, I want to make out with him.
Are you kidding?
Right.
And we basically, my advice to her last, so my tough love last week was I was
worried that if she continued to be friends with the guy and my mind you, they didn't
start out as friends.
And so they kind of started out with potentially dating.
There was some chemistry.
There was a little making out.
He left and came back.
So he's like, man, can we just be friends?
But she doesn't want to just be friends.
And we talked about my worry that this is going to stunt her from finding a healthy
guy who's all in.
It's one thing when you both have zero attraction.
I don't know.
I grew up in the era of when Harry met Sally.
So I think it's very hard for people of the opposite sex.
I am of that camp to be best friends.
I know it happens.
And there's some random, there's rare moments when you have that brother sister
relationship, but if you've already proven that their chemistry is there and one of
you feels the chemistry at least.
Um, and the thing is he knows you feel the chemistry and so, and he's not doing.
Yeah.
Anyway.
So what have you decided to do with him in the last week?
Have you decided to keep talking to him, not keep talking to them?
Uh, well, um.
He messaged me last Monday.
So that was before our thing Tuesday.
And I didn't hear from him.
I had sent back a message saying, how can I pray for you?
And then he didn't send anything.
And then Friday I was at a worship night.
I honestly, I know you're going to think I'm crazy, but I really felt like I was
supposed to call him.
So I called him to see what's going on.
So he was actually had a really hard week and needed some prayer and I didn't pray
for him on the phone or anything.
Um, and he doesn't, he doesn't talk long on the phone.
Like he's cuts it short.
So, uh, but yeah, it was just really short catch up, but then I think, yeah, he
messaged me yesterday saying, oh, you came to my mind and I was praying for you.
And I felt like God said all this and I'm just like, ah.
I don't want to hear from her.
So I think I haven't been able to make a strong decision because I know part of my heart is
just like, I want this to be a different story than it is.
And it's not the story I want.
And I'm so tired of this story.
And it's like the story.
Yeah.
I mean, and here's the thing, you guys, we've all, we shall call him, his name's really
Scott or did you just call him Scott?
We've all had a Scott.
Okay.
We all have this.
We've all had a Scott in our life.
And you guys, in fact, my Scott just found me on Facebook.
It's been 35 years.
He owned a house on the lake.
I kept trying to break up with him, but it was really hard because he owned a house on
the lake and he was yummy.
And Oh my gosh, I did so many inappropriate things with him, but that's before I really
like Jesus got ahold of me.
And so that's the crazy though.
That's the chick he reached out to, right?
35 years has gone by.
So he doesn't know, like I'm all Jesus girl and like that little, that little romp in
the hay is not going to happen.
And he started out trying to be the boyfriend, but then we broke up and the weirdest thing
was he was the best non-boyfriend I had for the longest time.
Like he behaved like a boyfriend, but we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend.
And I thought, my gosh, this is the best non-boyfriend I ever had.
We're totally going to get married.
Well, the holidays rolled around and I was not included in the holidays at all with his
family.
And he was like, Renee, we're not even dating.
And I'm like, but you literally, I'm the first person you call every morning.
I'm the last person you talk to at night.
We, you know, like what's not dating in this.
And so we, so I don't say any, I don't give you a hard time because I've not had that
guy.
I'm just saying that guy is going to stop us from meeting our guy.
And so he's just not pursuing you and he knows you're interested.
And so you can keep talking to him.
And oh, the praying thing.
I wanted to warn you about the praying thing.
Jackie's really kind of clear about this.
Now, I have balked at her saying this sometimes, but I'm really understanding what she means
by this.
We can create soul ties with people that we are praying for.
And so, and we've all used the Holy Spirit, and I've been saying we do it consciously
like, oh, the Holy Spirit made me think of you.
Really?
Was it the Holy Spirit?
Yeah.
And I feel like I'm supposed to pray for you.
And it just continues to create a bond with that person, an intimate bond in a way that
maybe is not what we're supposed to have.
So I kind of feel like I'm praying for you or the Lord told me the Holy Spirit led me
to call you.
I feel like that's just Christianese for bow cheeky, bow out.
I'm just saying, it's just, it's just window dressing for creating a connection.
You know, like I was a cheerleader in college and we used to go to cheerleading camp and
guys would go, hey, do you want to go learn a partner stunt?
Yes, let's go learn some partner stunts.
And so like, it's like, it just reminds me of that.
It's like, it's under the guise of something so innocent, but it's not.
So I'm just going to encourage you guys.
And so I'm glad you brought that up, Caroline.
So if you are listening to this, either in replay or live, and you can fall into that
trap of using prayer to keep a guy in the story or vice versa, just know that that can
also create a soul tie.
And Jackie and I would just warn you against that.
It's just, it just, it can create false intimacy, just like good sex can create false intimacy.
And that's hard because praying for somebody seems so innocent and it seems that's like
a noble, noble thing.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, I'm just going to be praying for you, Caroline.
And you know what?
I am really proud of you for showing back up.
I did tough love you a bunch last week about it.
And I think it's only because I lost a lot of years of my singleness to those men.
And I waited and baited and waited and baited and waited and baited.
And I don't want to see you do that too, but I support you and we care about you.
And I know God's got his very best for you and you are worthy to be pursued as all of
you ladies are.
So I'm hoping as you're hearing these women share their story, you're like, oh, that's
so me.
So me.
So thank you ladies for being brave.
Does somebody else want to hop in the seat with either a question, a situation or a ha?
We have a good crowd tonight.
So I'm super excited.
Some of you are like, heck no, man.
Y'all just, like y'all just scared me, but y'all were brave.
I'm looking around, I'm looking around, I'm going to, I'm going to start calling on people
now.
I'm kidding.
All right.
Um, long distance.
dating. Let's see. I feel like I covered, I feel like I covered all of the topics that
Bethany wanted me to. You guys stay in community. Don't be afraid to like, you're gonna be like,
oh my gosh, there's no way I'm going to tell my bad dating stories. You guys have to do it. Like,
we all have to do it. This is the only way you're going to grow and learn and support one another.
If you, and especially if you meet somebody that you really, really like,
um, don't walk away from this community, date in this community, um, it'll be too easy for you to
slip up back up at old patterns. And so just hold each other accountable. You guys speak the truth
in love, be kind, speak the truth in love, watch what you say in the chat rooms, watch what you
say on people's feeds. It's really easy to drag each other down. So just try to encourage one
another, let the coaches coach, but you can always be encouraging. You can always speak
life into people, um, and remind people of that. So I'm looking, I've, I remember so many of your
faces from the challenge and from phase one. And you guys, here's what I continue to be reminded of
is there is a sea of great godly, gorgeous women that deserve strong masculine men. And we have
been accepting crumbs at the bottom of the buffet for too long. And we deserve the banquet and to
deserve the banquet. It means that we have to do some preparation. It means that we need to
be preparing. And it means that we need, you know, it's kind of like when you go to a restaurant,
you don't want to overfill yourself on the appetizer and the bread, and then you don't
get to enjoy the encore or the main course. Um, we want to make sure you get to enjoy the main course.
And I will say this, and I, and I say this as somebody who's still single, you guys,
being a part of this community has changed my life. It has filled a hole. Like I have a ton
of friends. I have a ton of acquaintances, but most of my married friend population have no idea
how to handle my singleness. It's either gone from like, okay, you're just too picky. And I might be,
I mean, I might be, or you've been too busy in ministry and you know, you didn't make time for
anybody also true. Um, but they have no, they don't have the same compassion. They don't have
the same capacity. They don't have the same understanding. So I've stopped expecting my
married friends to understand all the stuff that I'm going through. This community understands
we are here with you, but I promise like, since I've been in this community, like I had the guts
to leave running a nonprofit after 18 years, I published a book. I got into seminary school.
Um, I'm losing weight, healthy. Um, I feel worthy and valued and loved. Like I know I'm going to
make a great wife and I know my guy's coming. Like I know it in my knower. I felt like I've
got my wedding date, which I don't even say that out loud very often, but, and I'm going to get to
walk into that relationship in a much healthier place and a much calmer place. I'm not going to
be desperate. I'm not rushing. I don't care. I don't care if I finished last in this race to
get married. You guys, I'm going to marry a great guy. I always used to say I'd rather be
married to the right person for two years than the wrong one for 20. And so this is not a race.
This is not who finishes first. It's just, we want to finish well. And, um, I'm, I'm living my best
life right now. And Jackie wants you to live your best life right now too. So, um, she always says
the guy is the icing on the cake. I don't know why some women in this community find their guy
right away. And some of us have to wait longer. I don't have an earthly answer for that, but I
trust God. I have to, and I said this last week, if I can trust God with something as big as my
salvation and where I'm going to spend eternity, then I have to be able to trust him with my
married life too. And my single life, like I just have to, um, or else I don't trust him with my
salvation. I don't trust that he's God. So God is good all the time. All the time. God is good.
He is moving in even when we don't see it. So I feel like that's my encouragement to you. And I
think I'm just, if there's not another comment question, aha, I'm going to hold open like 30
more seconds to make sure somebody else didn't get to ask something. You matter. So if you've
got a question or aha, what you have to say matters, it might be the very thing someone
else needs to hear. Can I ask a question? Yes, ma'am. Yes. Hi, I'm Swanna. Yes. You're,
you're a hoot by the way. I, you're just, it was just fun hearing your stories. Um,
since I just jumped on phase two, um, uh, you know, there's the videos. I literally haven't
had a chance to do much of anything. So all of this will go in or a certain order because
obviously being on all these different websites and all that down the road. Right. Just, yeah.
Just enjoy like we encourage you guys to come to the check-ins.
So you guys aren't all going at the same pace anymore.
So it used to be each week we were talking about a different topic.
Now in general, we are discussing the things that got highlighted during your roll call.
And the beauty is sort of like now you're starting to hear from us in different phases.
So now when you watch the videos, you're gonna be like, oh my gosh, you're gonna have ahas.
And when you start dating, you're gonna be like, oh, well, good.
She made that mistake.
Now I'm not gonna make that mistake.
So that's the beauty of you guys all being in here at different spots
is that even if you're like, that's not me yet, but you're like, oh, that's a nugget.
I'm gonna take that nugget with me because we all keep learning.
And every week you guys have new and different questions that aren't in the training.
And so it all just kind of compounds at all.
So you just enjoy the process.
Jennifer.
Hi.
Okay.
So real quick, I don't know if you remember me from last time.
Yes, you were the one that also needed to give an update.
I knew there was someone else.
Yeah.
So I did break the homework.
I did talk to him the next day, but I remembered your words.
It's really hard.
And we did hang out, but I did start feeling that pressure to have sex again.
So I did cut it off with him and I blocked him, but I told him, you know, I think you're great.
I do wish only the best for you, but I don't know if you understand this, but for me, sex is a sin.
And so I just ended it.
So I went on hinge because I heard one of your talks about how it's your attitude.
And so I went on hinge.
So this guy, he wants to get coffee this weekend.
Yeah.
But like Mariners is having like a night of worship with Matt Redmond.
Would that be too much to ask him to go to that?
Just music.
I know, but here's the problem.
You won't be able to talk to him.
That's the point because I haven't met him before.
So then you have a concert.
I will say this.
Would you do the coffee before this?
Yeah.
You could always have it in your back pocket.
If the date's going really well, you could always say like, I know this sounds crazy
and it's totally last minute, but I'm about to go do this.
Did you want to come with me?
Okay.
Or if the date's going, you're gonna be like, hey, I hate to do this, but I got something else.
I got to be, I bought the tickets before I met you or booked this.
So I would have it in your back pocket.
Okay.
Awesome.
Okay.
Thank you.
I'm so proud of you.
So proud of you.
Thank you.
I knew there was a third person.
I like how you stayed in the background almost the whole night though.
I was driving.
Yeah.
Okay.
Katie, did you have a question?
I don't know where you went though.
There you go.
You have a question.
So I just started phase two and I have my first date on Thursday.
And when I scheduled the date, I was feeling good.
And now that as I'm getting closer, I'm getting nervous.
I'm curious if you or anyone else has any suggestions on what to do when you're getting
those first date jitters.
Yeah.
I feel like you should just stay home and watch a movie.
I know.
We all want to do that.
What's the date?
What did you guys decide to do?
So I love playing games, any game, board game, trivia, yard games, sports.
And on my profile, part of it was talking how I love playing trivia.
And I'll usually go once a week with my friends and my brother and cousin.
I didn't offer that much information, but just for you guys.
So that's what you guys are going to do?
You're going to go do trivia?
So we're going to do trivia at a different place.
Not where I usually go, but at a place I'm familiar with.
Perfect.
I just feel like I know first date, I'll be nervous, but at least I like playing trivia.
So I'll be looking forward to it.
But now that I'm getting closer, I'm still actually kind of nervous.
Yeah.
I mean, I will say this.
So here are the things I try to do to get rid of my extra energy the day of a date.
Whether it's go to the gym, yoga, worship music.
What's the thing that takes your heart rate down and slows your breathing down?
Like, what's the thing for you?
Probably working out.
Probably music, prayer, journaling.
Journaling is really important.
So make sure you hit the gym.
Make sure you hit the gym and you hit it hard.
So it really kind of wears you out.
And it kind of mellows you out.
And then take a nice, long, hot shower and then zap some cold water on you in the last
30 seconds to kind of wake you back up.
And then while you're getting ready have some worship music going and so that's the voice that fills the air
around you
And then constantly tell yourself like when you get a car
Just say I am meeting a new friend for game night. I
Don't have to decide if I like him at the end of the night
I don't have to decide if I'm gonna marry him and guess what if he and I both decide or one of us decides
We don't want to see each other again. I hope we can still have a good time
Like literally start writing that stuff. So, you know, you said you like to journal
So it kind of writing it out. Like how can I bless him tonight? How can I show kindness tonight?
How can I be a light tonight?
How can I have more fun tonight like kind of start to write out that mantra?
Like I always used to go into first date going. Oh my gosh. Is he the one is he the one?
He's either one and now I'm just kind of like I'm like, oh my gosh. It's like I don't know
I'm gonna just have fun or not like even the bad dates last week
They all heard about my bad date
You know with the guy that almost ran out of the coffee shop the second he heard that I was going to seminary school
I mean he couldn't get out of there fast enough and like I just laughed
And so
It's so I would say do all of those things. Make sure you work out and
Watch something is somebody funny like if you like comedians
This guy he's local. He's a clean comedian. He's local to me Nate, but he filled up he was just he just hosted them
He just hosted
Serenade live like watch his funny comedian like something that's just gonna make you laugh before you go on your date
So I've given you lots of options work out
Worship music journal good mantra watch a funny comedian do all of those things because it doesn't matter
He could be your guy or he could be great friend
or at the very least, you know, you kick-ass and cheerio pursuit and they're whatever, you know, and
Hope hopefully that helps and you're gonna do great and I'm really proud of you and I'm glad you picked something fun to do and
Mishanda is am I saying that right Mishanda? Where'd you go?
Where'd you just go
Mishanda thank you. I just get so mesmerized by your gorgeous photo every time I'm like
Thank you, I have a question I too like I think it was
Katie and Sharma just coming into this and it does seem like
We're coming in and we're listening to the stories, which is great. But if we're just on the love accelerator
What is the expectation like?
Well one is this class an hour and a half like
This class here on Tuesday nights, it's an hour hour
And I mean, I'm probably gonna you're gonna like you're a lot
These last two questions are gonna be probably the last ones that I take
So if there were zero questions at the top of the hour, I would have just closed it down
So you just so the only expectation is for you to come with any question that you have
So when I say hey you guys so I start the night and I'm always gonna cover
What we see as the common thread that's showing up in the roll call and then when I open the floor to a question
Everybody is allowed to ask a question with wherever they're at in the process
And so your question could be you could have come in, you know 40 minutes ago and said, you know, I just started
What would you be your what would be your guide for me?
Like what's the one thing you would tell somebody who's just starting the program?
You know I'm saying so like this is really your time at any place and so you are so you're getting a taste of
Where women are and some folks are at the very very beginning and so you've just finished the love story accelerator
The next video you're gonna get is dating 101
then divine feminine then online dating and then boundaries and you're gonna kind of sit in that for the next few weeks and
Some people are gonna want to start dating right away
Other people might say, you know
I'm gonna hold off on dating and not finish dating until I watch all of the videos and I'm gonna sit back and listen to
Everyone else's stories for a couple weeks before I get out there dating
So it is really the dating is really at your pace right now
She's kind of open the floor. You're allowed to go date or if you're like, hey Renee
I don't want to do any online dating
Do you have any suggestions on ways to meet guys in the real world besides online dating and then I can give you ideas
so
That's what this time is for every single week
It's really to ask questions that you're having during the week no matter where you are at in phase two
And so sometimes just listening to other people will help you but it's not technically a teaching night
It's basically a check-in
That's what Monday nights were for you guys before and it's what now Tuesday nights are it's really your time
check in. So we will always start with home, you know,
with like housekeeping items, some themes and teaching,
but then we will always answer your dating questions and they're all going to be
all over the map. So does that help at all?
Does a little bit, I think
it does. It's a little confusing. And I think I love hearing stories.
I I'm actually a stories person, so I love hearing Shannon's story. And then,
you know who was the other young lady who shared that had a funny story?
Carolyn. Yeah.
I love hearing it, but I think I was,
I was confused about the format because it is a little bit different than the
first year. And so I just felt like, okay,
I'm sitting here it's late on the East coast and I'm like, oh, okay.
So to me, it was a little,
yeah, you know what? Yeah. I mean,
and here's the thing you can always hop off at any time that you need to like,
I get it girl.
Cause I've had to teach back in the East coast when I was home and I'm like,
oh my gosh, starting at eight o'clock is so much harder. Um,
so it was really hard for me.
So if you ever guys need to hop off or watch and replay, go ahead and do so.
So I appreciate you saying that. And you know,
this is a new year that we're doing it this way.
And so I have been conscious of the clunkiness of that,
of like, you know, this year people are coming in at different phases,
or they stay in phase one longer, people stay in phase two longer.
So you're not going to have the same flow as, okay, we all did this this week.
We all did this this week.
And so I feel like the beauty is you get to go at your own pace.
The hard part is this might feel confusing for you.
So now what you know,
the one o'clock and the eight o'clock timeframe is you're going to get some
summary notes, some highlights of what we're seeing.
And then it's open questions. Here's what I hope happens though.
Even if people are further ahead than you,
because I kept trying to stop them in the story to give you guys highlights of
things to pick up and things to take notice of.
And those are things that you can be taking notes on like, okay,
I want to make sure I remember that. Okay. That was a good noodle.
I wouldn't have done that. Um,
because sometimes the stuff we're answering in these questions aren't in the
videos. And so consider,
so we're not just sharing stories for the sake of sharing stories.
I'm hoping that you start to learn from one another in walking through their
story with them. But I really appreciate you being honest about that.
And I will talk to Bethany and see how we can be as clear as we can.
But if you need to get off the phone and watch the rest of it on replay as okay
to, you have our permission to do that. Um, Shanna,
I'm going to take your question and then we will probably wrap up.
Awesome. Um, thank you for taking the time. Um, I'm,
I'm happy to be able to make it. I usually have community or small group. Um,
oh no, my, my computer's going to die.
Um,
there we go. Should work. Okay. Um,
yes, I would agree. Um, that the, the,
the process has been a little bit clunky. Um, it's been a little bit challenging.
I'm an, I'm an admin, I'm an executive admin for,
for my job and I'm even trying to follow and I'm a perfectionist that I want to
do everything right. So, um,
so it is a little bit hard to follow as to like when you go on to phase three,
um, right now for me, I'm marinating and the dating portion.
Um, I, my last relationship was a year ago and, um,
I've done the online thing off and on for 10 years anyway. Um,
so it's just kind of getting myself back out there and getting comfortable with
asking to be set up and those types of things. So I know we're running, um,
to the end of the time, but I guess my,
my purpose of coming on here is, um,
I have met someone online on Bumble and,
um, I went on one date. Um,
he seems to have a solid background. It's, it's interesting enough.
We used to go to the same church. He used to go to the church that I'm at.
We actually served in the same ministry, but did not meet each other. Um,
and then he left the church a number of years ago,
actually got married, then divorced, and then, um,
went through the process of all of that now attending a different church.
Um, and so I guess my, my question would be, um,
I put a lot of pressure on trying to figure out if, if the,
the marriage or divorce was, you know,
done correctly, if you will. Um, you know, I,
I don't want to continue on if somebody,
if there's somebody that's just in a relationship and just wants to give.
up, you know, and so, um, so I find myself justifying, I don't
know, I don't know what I'm trying to say, but I appreciate
him. He's been very intentional. He's been very upfront with
what's what's gone on in his past. He's open to questions,
but I also have asked questions and I don't want to go too deep.
It's just been one date. And so if there's any tips on on how to
get to know somebody, but not go too deep, as well, and also
enjoy the process, you know, I don't need to figure out when to
marry him today. So it's just kind of one of those where I
have a little bit of anxiousness over it, because marriage and
divorce is not a part of my story. I've, I've seen friends
walk through things that, you know, divorce was absolutely
necessary. And I believe that is part of the process. And so, um,
I think I'm just struggling a little bit with seeing past
that, if you will.
Yeah, yeah. And, you know, I get it. Like for me, I actually
expect a guy to be divorced at my age. But I will admit, like,
I definitely can have a judgmental attitude. If I hear
that they've been divorced twice. That's my thing. I'm
like, because I've never been married. So like one divorce is
hard enough for me to I'd be like, really. Um, so the first
thing that you want to make sure that you do is you want to just
get to know him and you have to make sure you like who he is
today. So there is a time for you to unpack his past. But you
most want to make sure that you like who he is today. And so the
best way to do that is to do stuff with them and not just
talk to them. And that's why we try to stay away from continuous
dates that are just talking. Because all you can do is either
talk about the past or talk about the future. What you want
to find out is who this human is today. And so you know, that's
why you want to pick activities to do. Hey, do you want to go
bowling? Hey, do you want to go do an escape game? Hey, do you
want to go volunteer at a soup kitchen? Like, hey, do you want
to go build something you want to like put yourself in
situations where you can see how this person handles stress,
handles community, handles discomfort? And you want to make
sure do I even like this guy? Because here's the truth.
Remember how I talked about people have to earn your private
story. You haven't earned his story yet. Do you know what I
mean? Like so you don't get to know the details of the divorce
yet. So now all you guys need to be doing is finding out is if do
you like each other today. And so a lot of times it's just
doing stuff. I think going to a trivia game is really great. You
I have a box of questions that are really fun questions. I
will sometimes whip him out like, all right, I have some
fun questions. Do you want to do some fun questions? Like and
they're just silly, fun questions. And you learn the
quirkiest things about them play a board game with them. Find out
how they handle losing or winning. And like, start to put
yourself in situations where you get to see how they live
everyday life. And then after like three or four or five dates
like that, you know, you have to really decide Do I really want
to hang out this person? Where do I think it can be going? And
then you can decide at some point like, hey, I can't be
exclusive with you until I learn a little bit more about the
divorce. Obviously, you can't tell me all the details. But can
you give me a little bit more information? Tell me a little
bit more? What did you learn from that? And here's how
Shannon, here's how I find out about a divorce. I'm actually
less concerned in the details of a divorce. I'm more concerned
with what they've learned from it. So a question I might ask a
guy is, well, you know, like looking, like looking at your
marriage, obviously, without dragging her into it, or the
details, you know, what do you think you've learned most about
yourself? Like, what would you do differently? Or what do you
think you're going to do differently in your next
relationship? That's what I'm more concerned about. I'm more
concerned is, are they reflective about this? Are they
repentant? Do they own their side of the street? And have
they learned how to figure out what they're going to do
differently? I'm way more concerned than that, than
hearing the blow by blow of the marriage.
Yeah, he shared quite a bit. He was open to doing that, because
I think he felt obligated. Like, he seemed to talk in a
very caring way about his ex, even though it seemed like it
was not a great situation. So it's like, I feel like I know
too much.
Well, I mean, sometimes people, you know, it's funny, because
sometimes we feel like we need to explain, right? Like, I feel
like there's, and that probably, you know, sometimes there's
shame there, there's embarrassment.
They're like, I know some of us who've never been married.
We feel like we have to over-explain
why we've never been married.
We're like, all right, I have to explain that.
Like, wait, right, how come you've never been married?
Like, oh, like, you know what?
I mean, so now I've like learned,
like I don't need to explain it so much.
And so, but it's very normal for people to feel like,
especially, yeah, they have to over-explain.
So just start doing some fun things with them.
And you guys, here's the thing,
it's a whole, it's a yes until it's a no.
Don't keep making it a yes if you don't enjoy your time.
Like, if after the second or third date,
you're like, eh, about it, like, don't go anymore.
Like, do you know what I mean?
Like, you should start to grow
in your enjoyment with this person.
So no one on this team wants you to keep dating somebody
if you're like, eh, about it.
I wouldn't want a guy keep dating me
if he was just, meh, about me.
Like, I would want him to be like, gosh,
she's really cute, she's really sweet.
I don't know if she's the one,
but I really am enjoying my time with her.
So that's how long you keep talking to them.
You keep enjoying it.
And then I would say that Bethany would say
from the heartwork side of it,
she would say, what's stirring up in you
that you're holding judgment about the divorce?
Like, what's that bringing up for you?
Is there a time in your life
where you felt like you had to do it perfectly
or you couldn't have a mistake?
Or does that fall into your belief system
about who God is
and what do you believe about redemption and forgiveness?
So it also is a good time for you
to kind of see what that's stirring up in you
and seeing what God might have for you.
I don't know what that is,
but there might be something there for you
that has led them to do it.
No, that's good.
That's good, thank you.
All right, you guys.
Well, I do appreciate your time.
And now that you have a feel for what these weeks are like,
it's great.
We're gonna be fabulous.
And you guys come when you can,
stay as long as you can,
and get off when you need to.
So go have a great, great week.
If you have questions throughout the week,
please put them in the Facebook page.
The coaches love to be there for you.
We're just here for you in this journey.
Some people are gonna go slower or faster,
and it's okay.
And we'll get through the clunky together.