WEBVTT

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Okay. So we welcome to our weekly check-in. This is phase two, whether this is your first

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session or your last session. My name is Renee Rizzo, been part of this community for a few

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years and on the dating team. Bethany is kind of like your heartwork guru and I am your

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dating guru and your boundaries girl. So I'm the one that you're going to talk to all about

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boundaries. I've been teaching on boundaries for over 20 years and I started out with the

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boundaries book, but I've just been adding all sorts of great content ever since. And

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um, you know, when you've struggled in it, you learn how to do it. So I can tell you

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how not to do boundaries as much as I can tell you how to do boundaries. And so just

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some housekeeping items. Remember in phase two, here are, besides the welcome video,

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the love story accelerator or Jackie, like kind of gives you this dating challenge. And

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so if you did not watch that first video, she kind of talks about what this phase is

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all about. Make sure you go watch it. And here's the thing, you guys love story accelerator

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could be about all your love stories, not just your romantic ones. It could be your

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love story with God, your love story with your family, your love story with your job.

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Like it doesn't have to be just a romantic relationship. I would argue that boundaries

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are necessary in all your relationships. And I would even argue that what we try to teach

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you, um, she does, um, in dating one-on-one, she talks about the five levels of dating

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from level one, two, three, four, and five. And you guys, we should employ that with women

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that we meet. So many of us attach with other people, whether it's coworkers or pastor and

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people in small group, we just like vomit our life story on each other. And so we get

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to an accelerated place way too quickly, even with girlfriends, and then we get burned.

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And so I want you to have that perspective as you watch dating one-on-one, as you watch

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divine feminine, and remember divine feminine is really talking about what does it mean

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to be divinely feminine? Remember God created us in his image. And so Jackie talks about,

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um, when God first created Adam, when he created Eve, what's happened to the fall, what's happened

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since the fall and how we've kind of swung in both directions on that pendulum. Um, especially

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with us becoming independent boss babes, it's like, how do you carry strong confidence,

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but still be divinely feminine? And then what does it mean to look for a man who's masculine

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and divinely masculine? And so that section is really good. And you guys, that's good

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again for you to know that for all areas of your life, you want to learn how to show up

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as a soft feminine woman who can still be strong. And if you've been hearing from your

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employees, like say you have a lot of people at work and your coworkers and your employees

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say that you're kind of intimidating and you're kind of like a boss babe, but a little scary,

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then you will love the divine feminine teaching. Cause it's not just for dating. I keep going

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back to that. It's not just for dating. Um, then of course there's the online dating class

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that I teach, which is always funny. If you watched it, you hear me say no one hated online

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dating more than me. Seriously. Like no one's been trying it for all of the years since like,

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but me, but when I got my first dating challenge from Jackie, it was the only way I was going to

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hit that dating challenge. Dang it. And I've probably been on 200 dates since like it's,

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it's hilarious. I should have written a book, like just collecting all that, those funny stories,

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but I've learned so much and whether or not you want to do online dating, all the rules still

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apply. How do you get somebody to go from meeting them to texting them to phone calls,

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to video dates, to live dates and how to date. Whether you do that by meeting people at meetups,

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the coffee shop, the online dating content kind of transcends all of it. And then of course,

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the boundaries, I'm just a huge boundaries fan. We always need to be working on our boundaries

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and boundaries. Isn't just about putting up walls. You guys, it's fences with gates,

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it's fences with gates, and that includes all of our relationships. So that's kind of like the

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summary of the videos. Obviously they're not, they're about an hour long each and you can watch

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them in four days. We always encourage you to wait in between each video to make sure that God's

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still speaking to you and seeing how that might show up like, gosh, I'm going to watch divine

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feminine this week. And I'm going to see all the places that I can show up more feminine,

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more feminine with my kids, my church, my staff, my team, my friends, and in dating relationships.

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So that's kind of how you can take it. Just try to relax you guys. Again, I would say,

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enjoy this time in phase two, you should be here about three to five weeks, however fast or short

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you're going to take it. Don't rush it. Cause again, once you get to phase three, you lose

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this intimacy. So don't rush it. You're already dating. And if you have been in phase two for a

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while, you already know, Jackie has been letting you go to honestly, most of the phase three events

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anyway. So you're kind of getting, in my opinion, the best of both worlds,

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you're getting all of the fun events of phase three.

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but you're still getting the small group coaching of phase two. So enjoy it while you are here.

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Now, we are going to be moving over to the new app within the next month, probably. And so I'm not

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sure how much we're going to be doing our community on the app versus in Facebook. No matter where the

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community is, you guys show up. When you see those weekly roll call posts that say, how's it going?

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Commit that you're going to update. You're like, Renee, I can't stand Facebook. Don't get on

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Facebook all the time. I'm going to ask you to get on Facebook twice a week. You're going to get

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on on Mondays to answer that roll call. And maybe you're going to get on by Thursday to check in

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to see what Bethany and the other coaches had to say to you. And I also want you to go get a chance

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and read what your sisters are going through because you guys want to cheer each other on.

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For the most part, most of us single women complain that our family and our friends,

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especially if they're married, don't get it. Our church doesn't get it, right? We've all complained

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our church doesn't understand what it's like to be single. Our friends don't understand and are married people.

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This community gets it. So instead of moaning that the outside world isn't there, you be here

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cheering each other on. You guys, I didn't think I needed more female friends. I ran a faith-based

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non-profit with all women. I'm like, for the love, I don't need any more female friends. Like, ugh.

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Like, no crying in baseball. I can't take it. Like, I just need more testosterone in my life.

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But lo and behold, this community has been a blessing and they've just been kind and loving.

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And we just kind of have this base understanding about each other. And it is so easy out in the

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world for women to be comparing and competing. But in here, we get to love and support each other.

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And I would say the way that God called us to love and support each other. So show up, comment,

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support your sisters. Don't just like peace out, especially if you're dating and you're hot and

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heavy. You're like, oh, I don't need to come to anything anymore because I got this great guy.

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That's exactly why you need to keep coming. Because so many of you get a boyfriend right

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away and you're like, woohoo. See, hard work worked. I'm out of here. And then you'll bump

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along and all of a sudden your old patterns start to show up or your old fears show up.

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You could prevent potential missteps or breakups if you stay in community and let each other hold

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yourself up and hold yourself accountable. One of the phrases that you heard in the heart work

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is hurt in relationship, healed in relationship. So now that you're dating, some of the stuff that

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needs healing will not heal completely until you're in that healthy relationship. You guys like,

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I'm dating this really sweet guy right now. And I could already feel some of my triggers hitting.

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I'm like, and I'm like, oh gosh, hurt in relationship, healed in relationship,

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healed in relationship. Like I'm only going to heal in some of these places in a relationship.

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I can watch all the videos and do all the things, but until I'm in that relationship,

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some of that healing isn't going to happen. And so stay connected no matter what in your dating.

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Okay. Let's see. One of the biggest things I can say, and this is no matter whether you're

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in phase two or phase three. So this applies to everybody. You guys, I really needed to know

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why things would end. Whether a guy ghosted me after two phone calls, one phone call,

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three text messages, a first date. I always needed to know why, why, why, why, why, why?

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And I let that go. I don't know what switched for me during the heart work, but I stopped

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worrying about it. And once I decided it was no longer my need to know the reason why,

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here's the only reason why he's not my guy. If he was my guy, he would have hung in there

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because you guys, there are plenty of great love stories, both in this program and out of the

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program where the husband and wife will say they wore the wrong outfit. They spilled on themselves.

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They tripped. They said the wrong thing. Like if he is your person, you can't mess it up.

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So like, I just realized I need to stop overanalyzing everything. I learned to be

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clearer about what I wanted more quickly. I learned it to always be kind and treat every

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date like an opportunity to be a sister in Christ, whether or not I was going to marry him or not.

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And I stopped worrying on the first phone calls and dates if I was going to marry the guy.

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Like, I don't know. I don't have to decide. I don't have enough information. Like the guy

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that I'm talking to right now, he seems amazing. And I just keep saying to him, well, at this

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point now you've said everything that I would want a guy to say, but now I'm like, show me.

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And show me is only going to take time. Like I need to see him day in and day out, live out

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everything he's saying, which kind of leads into one of the things that a lot of you guys are

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worried about this thing called trauma bonding or love bombing. Um, that happens when you keep

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sharing out of your mouth, your entire life story, all your heart healing and all of the things.

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because you might have that anxious attachment. If you went to that teaching

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where you really want to attach really quickly and you want to create this bond.

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And the truth is when we're meeting strangers, you guys, it takes a while, female, male,

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married couple. It takes a while for us to get chemistry and connect with people.

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And so we want to make sure that the way you don't trauma bond, the way you don't overshare

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is you keep a limit on your phone calls and your visits. And you try to do fun stuff.

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You try to do fun activities on those dates. If all you guys are going to do is have two hour

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long video sessions and you're going to go out on dates, whether it's dinner or coffee,

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and all you do is stare at each other and tell your whole life story, then yeah,

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you might run the risk of trauma bonding or sharing too much because that's all you're doing

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is sharing. So get out and go do fun stuff. And I dare say, especially if you're like me,

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if you have a therapist, social services, pastoral background, you guys, we can't help

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ourselves. Like, it's like we ask one silly little question and all of a sudden the guy

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just vomits his life story. And you're like, oh, see, he's not supposed to be telling me all his

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stuff. Well, there's some magical gift in some of us that we just say one thing and we're finally

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the first safe person in their life. And they just, and so we can't be mad at them. Like I

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take responsibility for that now. Like if I feel like someone shares too much intimacy with me and

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I wasn't able to stop it, I'm like, okay, Renee, you need to reign that stuff. And it's time for

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some silly fun questions. Cause somehow you like turn into your, you put your therapy hat on and

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you didn't even mean to. So let's try to take our part in that. And so really just kind of take

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responsibility and just try to super have fun. And you guys time, my pastor always used to say

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to me, truth is on the side of time. So write that down. Truth is on the side of time. That's

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how you don't trauma bond. That's how you make sure he is who he says he is. First, he's going

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to tell you who he is, and then he has to start showing you who he is. He has to start showing you

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if the telling overtakes the showing, you will not know who he is. You can't, right? So that's why if

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you are doing long distance, it is so important to start getting those live dates in. It's so

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important to start doing other things like literally pick up your phone and go for a walk

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with him. Watch how he interacts with people out on the street, cook a meal together, find ways to

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be super creative about it. So that is how we really try to protect ourselves. And just, and

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this is how do you guard your heart? I think I feel like I've, I feel like I've, I've kind of

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hit that. Um, whenever you want to keep talking to a guy or see him again, tell him, I know it's

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embarrassing if he didn't want to see you again. Like, I don't want to go say anything. So if I

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liked a guy, whether it was a video day, a phone date, or a live day, I always said, I really

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enjoyed my time with you. I don't know where you're at, but I would love to see you again.

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If not, no problem. I just wanted you to know that it was so great meeting you and I turn and

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walk away this way. He's never in doubt about the fact that I want to see him again. So he's not

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second guessing it. If you feel awkward doing in the moment and you have his cell phone number,

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text him. As soon as you get home, Hey, I just got home. I just wanted to thank you again for

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a great night. I would love to see you again. If that's something you want to do too. If not,

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it was really great meeting you. Boom. And you guys, did my feelings get hurt if they didn't

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want to see me again? Maybe, but I never sweated going. Does he know? Does he know? Does he know

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guys can't read our mind? They don't know. So that's what I really want to encourage you to do.

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If he says to you, I would like to see you again. How do you feel about that? And you don't want to

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see him again. And you know, you don't want to see him again. Do not lie to him. Just like,

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you know what? I've really enjoyed getting to know you. This has been a really wonderful time.

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And it's, you know, and you seem like a really great person. I just, you know, I feel like that

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we are not right to move forward in a romantic relationship, but it was such an honor to get

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to know you. And I really want to bless you as you go meet your person. Boom. Again, is that awkward?

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Yes. Is that better than you stringing them along? Yes. So we want to be brave ladies.

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The other thing that Bethany wanted me to remind you to do is whenever you're talking to guys,

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try to match their energy. And I would add this caveat, if it's healthy. If they text you every

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morning to say hello, and you're texting, but then you text back and say a quick hello. If they want

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to call you, you pick up the phone. Don't try to play games. We are not 20, you know, we're not

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16 years old. We were like, oh my gosh, I have to wait three days before I respond. No, no, you don't

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have to. Um, but if he starts to put distance between the phone calls and the dates, you put

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Don't get all anxious and like try to go chasing after him.

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If you've already told him, I would like to see you again.

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You've not lifted ambiguous.

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Now remember you guys are encouraged and we are encouraged in your, or especially early

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in your dating to be talking to more than one person at the same time.

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Some people call it vetting.

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Some people call it just, you know, level two discovery dating.

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It's just that idea of I'm talking to a bunch of people.

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You don't narrow it down to one person or press pause on other people until you feel

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like you want to focus in on that person.

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That's usually a mutual conversation.

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Typically Jackie would say that he needs to lead that conversation.

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Now I will tell you this, if a guy goes to kiss me on a date and we've not made that

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clear, I'd be like, Hey, just so you know, I kind of have the role.

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I know you might be talking to other women and that's totally okay, but I'm not making

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out with guys that are talking to other women.

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So that's kind of my boundary.

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So if we ever get to the point where you want to just press pause on talking to other

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girls and just see me, you know, then we might reconsider this little kiss goodnight thing

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going on.

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Like I might give a hug, a side hug.

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I can give a kiss on the cheek.

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I guys, I kiss strange.

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I mean, I kiss a lot of people on the cheek.

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It's just, I'm very Italian.

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And so for me giving somebody a side hug and a quick kiss, if, if they kind of went in

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for that and don't freak me out to do it, but like we ain't having lip contact if, if

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I don't know that I'm the only one.

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So we really want you to reign that in simply because it's, it, again, especially if you

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guys know that sexual connection has clouded your judgment in the past, then reign in your

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sexual behavior, you know, like obviously, and how you do that is you don't spend a lot

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of alone time in your homes.

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Like that's what makes it really, really easy.

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Okay.

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If you have initiated the first video date or you initiated the first date, make sure

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he initiates the second one.

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It's okay to drop the hanky, but we don't want you leading the relationship, even if

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it's going slower than you would like.

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And if you're like, oh my gosh, but I met this guy, this guy do not obsess about a guy.

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I kind of have this four date rule.

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I don't obsess about any guy until we get past four dates.

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If we haven't hit four dates, I don't care what he said.

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I don't care what he's promised.

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I haven't met my boyfriend yet, so let's not rush that.

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Keep your options open.

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Okay.

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So that is the summary of all of the topics that I wanted to hit.

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I really love to answer your questions and it usually takes a lot for the first person

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to come in and be brave with the first one.

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Now, Maria, you have patiently had your hand up.

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So do you have a question you want to ask and be brave in front of the whole group?

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Yes.

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I actually typed a lot of it already.

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Let's see.

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Let me just scan and read it then.

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I said yes.

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So you had two brief conversations.

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Were they on the phone in person?

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I think it was like three brief conversations on the phone.

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After he asked you on a date, you had three brief conversations.

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Right.

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So the first, we're supposed to go out on a Monday, but I was super tired, so I changed

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it to the following Saturday, right?

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And then Saturday came and he came up with a reason that he didn't want to go out, which

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was very, but I didn't think anything of it.

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And then he called me at the time that we should have been out, right?

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And he wanted to talk and I was like, you know, it was kind of like, I don't want to

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talk to you on the phone.

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I want to talk to you like when we go out, right?

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Did you actually say that or did you think that?

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I thought that.

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So maybe I should have said that.

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So then he canceled the next day and I was super mad because I had other things I wanted

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to do, but I rescheduled with him to be nice to him.

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But you know, so I was like super annoyed.

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So I didn't get his cancellation text until I was basically almost at the place.

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And I called him to say, oh, I'm running late.

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And he didn't answer the phone, which I was like, that's so weird.

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Why didn't he answer the phone?

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And then I thought, wait a second, let me check and see.

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And that's when I looked at the text and he was like, and I'll read, I tried to post the

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screenshot, but it doesn't let me.

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So I'll read you what he wrote.

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So he wrote, Maria, I'm sorry, I have to cancel tonight.

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I hope we can remain friends.

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I just feel last night we had a few pauses of silence in our conversation and maybe,

256
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and there may be, may not be much connection.

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I appreciate your kindness and hope we can remain.

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friends. Okay, so he's basically closed the loop. Yeah.

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So here's what probably happened, Maria. Some people get really nervous to have a date date

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in person. I'm sure he was very nervous. So he opted to have a phone date with you instead.

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And then after the phone date, he didn't like the direction it was going in. And he cancelled the

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date. But of course, what he did was he really waited until the last second, you guys. And

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here's the thing. Let's assume he wasn't trying to be a jerk about it. Let's assume he probably

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hemmed and hawed all day. And he probably knew he had to send you that text saying I really don't

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want to go on this date. But he probably felt bad doing it. Let's try to give him the benefit

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of the doubt. He probably felt bad doing it. Who wants to send the text that says I've changed my

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mind. I don't want to go on a date with you. And so he he sent you that text. So it's a bummer.

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It doesn't make him a bad guy. It just makes him not your guy. I would just say going forward,

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you know, just be really clear. You know, like if he's rescheduling, you're rescheduling. But I mean,

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you're on the phone. And, you know, and that's when you can just be honest. Like, hey, you know

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what? Did you I noticed that you cancelled our date for tonight, but you chose to call me. Is

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it because you felt like this was a little safer and you wanted to do that? That's OK if you did.

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I'm just trying to get a little bit of an understanding. So like, that's the only thing

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you could have done differently is just kind of called him on it a little bit like, hey,

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like, I'm kind of confused. You cancelled the date. And the thing is, it didn't even occur to

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me until like now that that was well. Yeah. And so the benefit is, Maria, you sharing your

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situation is going to help 20 something other people on this call or whoever watches and goes,

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OK, look, if a guy does that to me and like. So whenever you're like thinking a question and try

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not to ask the question, why? Why is a very accusatory start to a question and just say,

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hey, I'm curious. I think I gave this advice to you guys a couple of weeks ago. Start with a

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question with I'm curious. I'm curious to know why you cancelled the day live, but you're calling

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me during this time. Tell me a little bit more about that. I'm curious. Tell me more.

283
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Because he had he had a whole like ridiculous reason. But yeah, you know, I just it just didn't,

284
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you know, I mean, I. He ain't your guy, girl. He just wasn't. Oh, yeah, no. Yeah, it's fine

285
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because I didn't I didn't feel anything with him anyway. Like he's very he seemed to me very needy

286
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and like weird because he was like doing stuff like calling me more and like all these like other

287
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like things, which is why not? Yeah. You know. And so that's a good point, though. I'm going to

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cut you off just so I can. Unless you had another question on that. Did you have any more questions

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00:22:59.680 --> 00:23:06.000
about that? No. OK, because you're bringing up a good point, you guys. And I read this somewhere

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else and it's possible I read somebody another relationship person say this, and I'm sure I've

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heard Jackie say this. You guys have a guy's interested in you. You won't be confused.

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He can like you, but just maybe not enough. Like there's going to be a lot of guys that you're

293
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going to meet that kind of like you, somewhat like you, and then they're in it to win it like you.

294
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You want to wait for the guy who's going to pursue you because he's in it to win it.

295
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If you have to come on the page and you guys have to over if like and I've done it, girl,

296
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I got girls. I'm just saying I have reread three weeks of text messages from men and been like

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trying to decipher what it means. The fact that I'm trying to decipher what it means means he's

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not my guy. Like you want the guy that is so clear his words match his actions and he likes you

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enough to pursue you. That's what you're here for. We don't want you to compromise. I don't want you

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to compromise just so you can say this was my last year single. I hope that you're in this program

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to become the best version of yourself that you can possibly be. Learn how to date smart, date

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healthy. And for those of you that have never dated your entire life, you guys, I barely dated

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my entire life. Like I've dated more men in the last three years than I've dated in my entire

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life. Seriously. And so when I find, when I go to get married, I'm going to be like, wow,

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I got to really find the guy that stood out. He was like the diamond in the rough. So that's what

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you're going after. Okay. Melissa, Dawn, go ahead. All right. Well, thank you very much.

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I want to tag on a sort of a related topic that Maria was talking about.

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Just sort of simulate a lukewarm and then like a closing the loop situation.

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I have been talking to this guy that is a high quality man. He's very sweet and has great

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character. And just today I got a

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message from him.

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Like we were basically kind of getting to know each other,

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building a friendship.

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We had logged quite a number of hours,

315
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like video chatting over, you know,

316
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the span of, I don't know how many weeks,

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but significant enough to like warrant

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at least some communication.

319
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And so I noticed that he has a lot going on in his life

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and I was kind of getting the feeling he's unsettled

321
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about his career right now.

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And I know that men, a lot of times,

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like until that's settled,

324
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it's very hard for them to shift over

325
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into like other areas at times.

326
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But I kind of feel like he might just not have enough desire,

327
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like you said, to be in it, to win it.

328
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And so basically today he communicated that, you know,

329
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like he said several really kind and generous things

330
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that he appreciates about my character

331
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and the process of getting to know me and all of that.

332
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And that was very sweet and I appreciate it.

333
00:25:51.560 --> 00:25:53.320
I haven't written him back yet,

334
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but it kind of, I get the gut feeling that,

335
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like he likes me, he respects me, you know, like,

336
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but it's kind of like what you were saying, Renee.

337
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It's like, but does he like me enough?

338
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And I'm just not sure.

339
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I've kind of lost attraction

340
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because I'm just not attracted to men

341
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who are like not in it to win it

342
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because I've had really awesome men pursue me

343
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and I know what that's like.

344
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And so, but I also understand he's in a very intense time.

345
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His dad just had open heart surgery.

346
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You know, he's like, he's in his career

347
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is like very much up in the air.

348
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So anyway, so I understand.

349
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And he essentially communicated as much to me today.

350
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He has a lot going on in his life,

351
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but he was kind of like, yeah, for the next several months,

352
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I just want to like focus on developing our friendship.

353
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That's what he said.

354
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Like, you know, I'm looking forward to this, you know,

355
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but he just has, interestingly enough,

356
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I told him about a program to help him grow like spiritually

357
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and he's doing that.

358
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And I'm actually very happy for him

359
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because I think it's going to be amazing for him,

360
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but that also will be kind of taking up some of his time,

361
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but it's totally worth it, obviously.

362
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I'm like, God is more important than me.

363
00:27:02.880 --> 00:27:04.520
So here's my question.

364
00:27:04.520 --> 00:27:07.000
I'm just not sure like how to respond

365
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because part of me is like, if it's not a heck yes,

366
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it's a no for me.

367
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That's normally my stance

368
00:27:14.200 --> 00:27:16.040
because I feel like I've been very open

369
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and present and vulnerable and all of that and showed up.

370
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But I also don't want to be like, so, you know,

371
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I just don't want to be like,

372
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oh, well it has to be this one way.

373
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So I'm just like, I'm not sure how to handle it.

374
00:27:30.160 --> 00:27:31.000
Yeah.

375
00:27:31.000 --> 00:27:33.560
Like, do I say, okay, if I'm still single in three months,

376
00:27:33.560 --> 00:27:34.760
cool, let's reevaluate.

377
00:27:34.760 --> 00:27:36.040
But what are your thoughts?

378
00:27:36.040 --> 00:27:37.840
So I love what you said.

379
00:27:37.840 --> 00:27:39.660
And so I think, here's what I think.

380
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I think all of us can be busy for a day and even a week.

381
00:27:45.520 --> 00:27:49.040
Like, I think, like I had a really crappy week last week.

382
00:27:49.040 --> 00:27:52.160
Like I, like somebody wanted in our community,

383
00:27:52.160 --> 00:27:54.600
wanted to drive five hours to come visit me in the afternoon.

384
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I had two papers due for school.

385
00:27:56.260 --> 00:27:58.080
I had zero time.

386
00:27:58.080 --> 00:28:00.400
And so I'm sure if I did that two weeks in a row,

387
00:28:00.400 --> 00:28:02.800
he'd be like, she's just not interested, right?

388
00:28:03.840 --> 00:28:08.840
So I think it's okay to have somebody who has a week or two

389
00:28:09.400 --> 00:28:11.200
where they kind of go MIA.

390
00:28:11.200 --> 00:28:13.840
But I'm remembering the phrase Jackie used.

391
00:28:13.840 --> 00:28:16.160
I don't know if you were online when she said this.

392
00:28:16.160 --> 00:28:17.000
It was in something.

393
00:28:17.000 --> 00:28:18.480
It might've been in an Ask Jackie.

394
00:28:18.480 --> 00:28:19.320
It made me laugh.

395
00:28:19.320 --> 00:28:20.600
Like, I want a t-shirt.

396
00:28:20.600 --> 00:28:22.840
She said, cause she's talked to hundreds of men.

397
00:28:22.840 --> 00:28:26.340
She has said that men will cut off their arm

398
00:28:26.340 --> 00:28:30.880
and use it as a oar to paddle downstream to you.

399
00:28:30.880 --> 00:28:34.180
If they like you, no matter what,

400
00:28:34.180 --> 00:28:36.480
they will find a way to pursue you.

401
00:28:36.480 --> 00:28:39.200
Even if their life is in shambles.

402
00:28:39.200 --> 00:28:41.880
If he's healthy and it's in shambles.

403
00:28:41.880 --> 00:28:42.840
Like, do you know what I'm saying?

404
00:28:42.840 --> 00:28:45.800
Like, I would argue I'm healthy,

405
00:28:45.800 --> 00:28:48.600
but my life is really intense right now.

406
00:28:48.600 --> 00:28:53.600
And so I think it's okay for you to say to this person,

407
00:28:53.760 --> 00:28:56.280
like, hey, totally understand.

408
00:28:56.280 --> 00:29:00.040
I'm just trying to get a little bit of clarity from you.

409
00:29:00.040 --> 00:29:02.680
And, or you could just say like,

410
00:29:02.680 --> 00:29:04.580
hey, totally understand.

411
00:29:04.580 --> 00:29:06.560
I'm gonna let you set the pace

412
00:29:07.400 --> 00:29:09.780
and determine when we see each other.

413
00:29:09.780 --> 00:29:12.920
Obviously since we're just gonna be friends for now,

414
00:29:12.920 --> 00:29:16.240
I will also continue to talk to other people

415
00:29:16.240 --> 00:29:18.000
and hold space for that.

416
00:29:18.000 --> 00:29:21.360
And if you and I are meant to be more than friends,

417
00:29:21.360 --> 00:29:24.040
that will become clear to both of us.

418
00:29:24.040 --> 00:29:27.240
So you could be that direct.

419
00:29:27.240 --> 00:29:29.020
Like, what do you have to lose?

420
00:29:29.020 --> 00:29:31.320
Like, that's the beauty in this, you guys.

421
00:29:31.320 --> 00:29:33.560
And that's why we want you to practice on people

422
00:29:33.560 --> 00:29:35.040
you're kind of like, eh, about.

423
00:29:35.040 --> 00:29:36.880
Like, practice on those people.

424
00:29:36.880 --> 00:29:38.620
Like, be brave and just say, like,

425
00:29:38.620 --> 00:29:39.880
cause you're already not sure

426
00:29:39.880 --> 00:29:41.240
if you're gonna cut and run anyway,

427
00:29:41.240 --> 00:29:42.400
cause he's not all in it.

428
00:29:42.400 --> 00:29:44.700
So you might as well just be brave and say like,

429
00:29:44.700 --> 00:29:46.860
hey, thank you so much for sharing that.

430
00:29:46.860 --> 00:29:48.660
I'm not quite sure what that means.

431
00:29:48.660 --> 00:29:50.540
So here's what I can offer you.

432
00:29:50.540 --> 00:29:52.600
I'd be happy to hang out with you

433
00:29:52.600 --> 00:29:55.540
when you reach out and book some time with me.

434
00:29:55.540 --> 00:29:57.340
I will wait to hear from you.

435
00:29:57.340 --> 00:29:58.820
Obviously, since we're not making

436
00:29:58.820 --> 00:30:00.220
any kind of commitment now.

437
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:07.120
I will also make myself available to other people if we are meant to be together that will become clear to us. I

438
00:30:07.560 --> 00:30:09.480
Look forward to hearing from you sometime

439
00:30:09.480 --> 00:30:16.640
So you've left the door open for him to pursue you him to ask you out, but you've let him know

440
00:30:17.280 --> 00:30:20.160
that you're gonna continue to talk to other people and

441
00:30:21.120 --> 00:30:23.480
That might help him either

442
00:30:23.480 --> 00:30:30.400
not book the next friendship date and then he was just trying to be polite and he really isn't in the space to date or

443
00:30:31.280 --> 00:30:33.280
Doesn't like you enough to date

444
00:30:33.720 --> 00:30:40.840
Or he's gonna go. Oh and he's gonna swoop in and like do it. So that's my suggestion. My suggestion is

445
00:30:41.720 --> 00:30:48.320
be honest without caring about the endgame and I feel like you guys if we can ask and

446
00:30:48.440 --> 00:30:55.720
Give statements to the guys that we're talking to like, hey, it seems like you're I'm not really sure how much energy you're putting into this

447
00:30:55.840 --> 00:31:02.000
So I'm gonna step back and let you lead know that I would love to date you and get to know you

448
00:31:02.240 --> 00:31:07.720
But I'm not sensing consistency on your end. So I'm gonna let you lead like keep talking to folks

449
00:31:08.440 --> 00:31:15.320
Okay, like that's great help. It really does Renee. Thank you so much. I love the confidence of it

450
00:31:15.320 --> 00:31:20.720
I love the clarity and also, you know, I really I I like I don't know what that means

451
00:31:20.720 --> 00:31:22.680
I feel like we've been building a friendship and with

452
00:31:23.200 --> 00:31:28.920
Something more but I and I have made some initiative about 15% to his, you know

453
00:31:28.920 --> 00:31:32.840
85 and just to show him something back without leading

454
00:31:33.280 --> 00:31:40.960
but I I think that I think that I really it's so unattractive to me and I don't like I just I

455
00:31:41.240 --> 00:31:46.040
Yeah, so I don't want to shut the door and I think what you said lets it stay open

456
00:31:46.040 --> 00:31:49.320
But I'm also saying the ball is in your court like that claim

457
00:31:50.480 --> 00:31:52.880
Actually, it's gonna make you more attractive to him

458
00:31:52.880 --> 00:31:59.680
Like it's gonna be like let's face it like guys want to like chase after so guys still like the chase you guys so we can

459
00:31:59.680 --> 00:32:03.000
Drop the hanky but guys still like the chase. So if you

460
00:32:03.880 --> 00:32:05.880
Order I forgot to say you live so

461
00:32:06.680 --> 00:32:08.680
Yeah

462
00:32:09.040 --> 00:32:13.000
In your Pennsylvania, yeah, I mean and I will say this too

463
00:32:13.000 --> 00:32:19.400
I'll cut him some slack on this like the guy that just showed up in my life literally lives three miles away

464
00:32:19.400 --> 00:32:25.640
it's the first local day I've had in forever and I feel like all I've been doing lately is long-distance and

465
00:32:26.760 --> 00:32:31.240
You gotta be you you you need a whole separate level of energy

466
00:32:31.680 --> 00:32:36.520
To do long-distance because you know, you're partly like gosh if you were here we could just go out for coffee

467
00:32:37.040 --> 00:32:39.040
like or we could just do this so

468
00:32:39.640 --> 00:32:42.160
that's also working against you guys and

469
00:32:43.120 --> 00:32:48.080
You deserve to be talking to some men. They're local to you Melissa. You're too amazing

470
00:32:48.080 --> 00:32:54.000
All right, I'm gonna call on the next two people. I am gonna get to the questions that are in the chat, too

471
00:32:54.000 --> 00:32:59.280
So I'm gonna do Joanna and McCall then there was two really good questions in the chat

472
00:32:59.280 --> 00:33:03.440
I'm gonna switch over to before I take on new questions. So Joanna

473
00:33:06.560 --> 00:33:08.560
Johanna am I saying it is it Johanna?

474
00:33:09.120 --> 00:33:10.880
Hannah

475
00:33:10.880 --> 00:33:12.880
I'm new to face to

476
00:33:13.000 --> 00:33:19.160
Hey, so you're like, oh my gosh Renee. That was like drinking from a fire hose. I'm overwhelmed. No, are you good?

477
00:33:19.520 --> 00:33:23.960
Really good. I am I am somebody who has dated a lot over

478
00:33:24.480 --> 00:33:25.960
since my

479
00:33:25.960 --> 00:33:30.440
Just my whole life and so so it's good. No, it's good. My question

480
00:33:30.440 --> 00:33:36.320
I hope it's I hope it's not taking us off track and I'll trust you to to leave

481
00:33:36.840 --> 00:33:40.800
if it is but early me if it is, but it has to do with blocking and

482
00:33:41.800 --> 00:33:46.320
specifically as I you know wrapped up the heart work and then moving into

483
00:33:47.120 --> 00:33:50.720
Phase two and preparing to get back out there online

484
00:33:50.960 --> 00:33:54.280
And I have this question about my ex

485
00:33:55.160 --> 00:34:00.960
That that's coming up and I've been praying about it right now. I have him blocked and I blocked him

486
00:34:01.960 --> 00:34:04.060
Not social media or just on your phone

487
00:34:04.680 --> 00:34:10.480
and on what's up, and I blocked him he and I went off and on for five years and

488
00:34:11.840 --> 00:34:13.560
the last

489
00:34:13.560 --> 00:34:18.840
Break in between was about two and a half years that we didn't talk and then we reconnected this last fall

490
00:34:19.360 --> 00:34:24.639
He's in Wyoming. I'm in just outside of Austin, Texas, and we we gave it

491
00:34:25.159 --> 00:34:30.120
Long-distance Lee a little we explored a conversation between us. We never saw each other

492
00:34:31.159 --> 00:34:39.080
And got to the same the same issues as were there before. However, there was some forgiveness and and so

493
00:34:40.000 --> 00:34:43.560
It culminated before Christmas of like hey look

494
00:34:44.760 --> 00:34:46.040
we're

495
00:34:46.040 --> 00:34:47.159
I

496
00:34:47.159 --> 00:34:50.880
told him I'm I'm moving on and and

497
00:34:51.400 --> 00:34:53.400
Then he reached out to me

498
00:34:54.239 --> 00:34:58.680
Early January right before I did this program and was in Dallas

499
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:06.080
um, before he went out of town, he travels all over the world for work. And before he was,

500
00:35:06.080 --> 00:35:12.320
he was in Dallas before he left to go out of the country and randomly reached out to me and said,

501
00:35:12.320 --> 00:35:18.400
Hey, you know, I'm here. Would you be interested in, in seeing each other? And I said, I would,

502
00:35:18.400 --> 00:35:25.520
because we never got to see each other in person, even though I said, I'm not moving forward. Well,

503
00:35:25.520 --> 00:35:30.480
we didn't, we, we weren't able to make it happen. And part of why we're not together and why I

504
00:35:30.480 --> 00:35:35.360
don't want to pursue is he disappears. And because of his work, he can't talk about things he does.

505
00:35:36.720 --> 00:35:46.560
And he, he disappears. And, um, and so, um, he disappeared. He, I got real excited about

506
00:35:46.560 --> 00:35:52.640
seeing him again, um, and just being able to, I don't even know why. And so, but,

507
00:35:53.440 --> 00:36:00.960
and then he just disappeared. And so I decided I was doing this program and I just blocked him.

508
00:36:00.960 --> 00:36:06.480
It's like, I'm not, I'm not going to mess with this anymore. So as I move forward

509
00:36:07.680 --> 00:36:14.560
into dating, I'm wondering if I need to face him, like unlock him and say, Hey, look, you know,

510
00:36:14.560 --> 00:36:21.120
if I need to, I'm, I'm nervous. I'm scared that he's going to pop that pop back up. I, my fear

511
00:36:21.200 --> 00:36:28.320
is that he's going to pop up in my future. And this is, so this is my gut. So this is like my

512
00:36:28.320 --> 00:36:34.560
Holy spirit gut for you. And you can take this for whatever it's worth. I think you need to give

513
00:36:34.560 --> 00:36:41.040
the next 90 days of dating without him in the story. I think you need to continue the block

514
00:36:41.040 --> 00:36:47.280
for the next 90 days. You've, you guys have spent a lot of years off and on. If he is supposed to

515
00:36:47.280 --> 00:36:53.440
be your person, you waiting 90 more days, isn't going to change that. I would love to see you

516
00:36:53.440 --> 00:36:58.320
experiencing dating. Like you said, you've been out there, but it sounds like he's been in and

517
00:36:58.320 --> 00:37:03.840
out of your story. So I would love to see what it would be like for you to date other people

518
00:37:04.400 --> 00:37:12.080
without him in the background, even as a potential background. And in 90 days you can decide,

519
00:37:12.080 --> 00:37:17.360
and Jackie will say this when it comes to exes, she only thinks it works with exes.

520
00:37:17.360 --> 00:37:23.600
If there is a dramatic shift in their life and their behavior. So if he has the same job,

521
00:37:23.600 --> 00:37:29.440
that's going to cause them to cut and run because of security or safety reasons. And, or he has not

522
00:37:29.440 --> 00:37:34.480
done enough of his own heartwork. You are going to keep circling the same stuff. So even though

523
00:37:34.480 --> 00:37:39.120
you just finished your heartwork, if he's not done anything different, it doesn't matter how much

524
00:37:39.120 --> 00:37:44.800
he's talking and oohing and aahing, she would say for exes to get back together, something pretty

525
00:37:44.800 --> 00:37:52.000
significant has had to happen. So that's my gut is that I would love to see you, if you went five

526
00:37:52.000 --> 00:37:57.280
weeks without talking to him, consider at least two more months without talking to him.

527
00:37:59.680 --> 00:38:07.680
So there is a thought that I have going on in my head about blocking. And I, it's like,

528
00:38:08.640 --> 00:38:14.800
if I'm healed and if I am whole, and if I'm mature, I shouldn't have to block. Could you talk to that?

529
00:38:17.440 --> 00:38:23.520
Well, that's like saying to somebody who I think eventually you shouldn't have to block.

530
00:38:24.240 --> 00:38:30.400
That's like saying to somebody who is a food addict or an alcoholic or drug addict. And

531
00:38:30.400 --> 00:38:36.800
they're finally like 30 days with their chip. Do I think that person should now buy alcohol and

532
00:38:36.800 --> 00:38:42.640
leave it in their home? Do I think that that person should have access to the thing that

533
00:38:42.640 --> 00:38:50.160
could be their unhealthy thing? Like just because, yes, to your point, you need to get to the place

534
00:38:50.160 --> 00:38:55.040
where you don't care one way or the other. That's when it's healthy to kind of do this. You're so

535
00:38:55.040 --> 00:39:01.760
fresh into your heartwork. Do you really want to give yourself that much temptation right away?

536
00:39:02.480 --> 00:39:06.880
So, and that's a question you might want to ask yourself. So yes. So I think for at some point

537
00:39:06.880 --> 00:39:14.880
in the future, health and maturity for you would be not blocking him and choosing to take his call

538
00:39:14.880 --> 00:39:20.560
or not. But I will tell you this, if you unblocked him today and you would have a hard time discerning

539
00:39:20.560 --> 00:39:24.880
health of whether or not you should pick up the call or not, you're not ready to unblock him yet.

540
00:39:26.400 --> 00:39:30.720
And so I think that's okay. That is, like I said, it's just like any other thing that we

541
00:39:30.720 --> 00:39:36.640
could have a soul tie or addiction to. God does not necessarily want us to exercise our willpower

542
00:39:36.640 --> 00:39:42.480
right out of the gate. Like you want to make sure any wounds you have with him actually have a scar

543
00:39:42.480 --> 00:39:48.720
on it. Like I have, I've got a scar right here from surgery and I've got a scar on my neck from

544
00:39:48.720 --> 00:39:53.840
surgery. It doesn't hurt me to touch this scar. Like that's how much healing has happened. It

545
00:39:53.840 --> 00:39:59.440
doesn't hurt me. But if you have a fresh cut and it's starting to heal, but then you just pick at

546
00:39:59.440 --> 00:40:00.000
it, like

547
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:01.680
you reopen the wound.

548
00:40:01.680 --> 00:40:04.080
And so you just, and only you can discern

549
00:40:04.080 --> 00:40:06.660
how far into your healing you are.

550
00:40:07.680 --> 00:40:11.700
I don't know your story and the hook that he seems to have,

551
00:40:11.700 --> 00:40:15.680
but from the energy that I'm getting from you is,

552
00:40:15.680 --> 00:40:18.080
and that could be wrong, so take it to the Lord.

553
00:40:18.080 --> 00:40:21.760
I feel like y'all still have some energy together

554
00:40:21.760 --> 00:40:24.080
and I'm just not sure he's safe for you.

555
00:40:26.080 --> 00:40:29.760
So it's just, again, take it to the Lord,

556
00:40:29.800 --> 00:40:30.960
take it to Bethany.

557
00:40:30.960 --> 00:40:32.680
I mean, and she might tell you otherwise,

558
00:40:32.680 --> 00:40:35.500
but my first gut, Holy Spirit,

559
00:40:35.500 --> 00:40:38.000
like God, I would love to see you

560
00:40:38.000 --> 00:40:42.320
continue the block for a little bit, a little bit more,

561
00:40:42.320 --> 00:40:44.760
especially if you just entered phase two,

562
00:40:44.760 --> 00:40:47.440
like phase two is only four weeks.

563
00:40:47.440 --> 00:40:49.280
Try dating and going through all of that

564
00:40:49.280 --> 00:40:50.760
without him in the story.

565
00:40:50.760 --> 00:40:52.120
And then at the end of the phase two,

566
00:40:52.120 --> 00:40:55.000
you and I can have this conversation again

567
00:40:55.000 --> 00:40:56.760
and maybe we'll have a different answer

568
00:40:56.760 --> 00:40:58.240
and I'll feel better for you.

569
00:40:59.840 --> 00:41:02.320
About letting go, yeah, I just feel like it's too soon.

570
00:41:02.320 --> 00:41:03.160
McCall.

571
00:41:06.000 --> 00:41:08.760
So my question was from one of the videos,

572
00:41:08.760 --> 00:41:10.400
I think it was from Dating 101.

573
00:41:10.400 --> 00:41:13.480
I haven't watched the one on online dating yet.

574
00:41:13.480 --> 00:41:17.260
So I'm very much a straight shooter.

575
00:41:17.260 --> 00:41:18.560
I'm very direct.

576
00:41:18.560 --> 00:41:22.040
I like to, and probably that's where I've gotten trouble

577
00:41:22.040 --> 00:41:25.800
in the past with trauma bonding and just,

578
00:41:25.800 --> 00:41:28.480
here's my life story, are you gonna accept me?

579
00:41:28.480 --> 00:41:31.080
Because if you're not, then I'm gonna bolt.

580
00:41:31.080 --> 00:41:32.080
So as you can tell,

581
00:41:32.080 --> 00:41:34.680
probably a lot of that anxious attachment energy.

582
00:41:36.000 --> 00:41:38.320
Actually right now, and it's been on there for a while,

583
00:41:38.320 --> 00:41:39.800
I haven't subscribed,

584
00:41:39.800 --> 00:41:44.200
but I actually will put on my profile

585
00:41:44.200 --> 00:41:48.840
that I do not want to engage in physical,

586
00:41:48.840 --> 00:41:52.360
I think I say physical intimacy until marriage.

587
00:41:52.360 --> 00:41:55.040
And cause I've struggled.

588
00:41:55.040 --> 00:41:58.200
So, and not that it's just sex anymore,

589
00:41:58.880 --> 00:42:02.000
it's like I've gotten in trouble doing the other activities.

590
00:42:02.000 --> 00:42:04.080
And so, and a lot of guys are just,

591
00:42:06.480 --> 00:42:08.000
they'll be blunt and just be like,

592
00:42:08.000 --> 00:42:10.440
sure, I'm fine with not having sex,

593
00:42:10.440 --> 00:42:13.960
but there's a means to other things as well.

594
00:42:13.960 --> 00:42:17.200
And that's gotten me in trouble.

595
00:42:17.200 --> 00:42:18.960
And so, but for me,

596
00:42:18.960 --> 00:42:23.520
and whether this is anxious attachment or not,

597
00:42:23.520 --> 00:42:26.600
it's like, I have left that on my profile

598
00:42:26.640 --> 00:42:30.440
and it's, some men have really appreciated it.

599
00:42:30.440 --> 00:42:33.120
And then of course, some men sure look at a profile

600
00:42:33.120 --> 00:42:38.120
and if they, so anyway, like, I guess, so I'm rambling,

601
00:42:38.920 --> 00:42:40.360
but my question-

602
00:42:40.360 --> 00:42:41.920
I know where you're going with this.

603
00:42:41.920 --> 00:42:45.320
And I'm a Yankee from New York, and I'm Italian.

604
00:42:45.320 --> 00:42:47.040
And so we kind of wear our hearts on our sleeves

605
00:42:47.040 --> 00:42:48.160
and we're very direct.

606
00:42:49.440 --> 00:42:51.600
And so here's what I can tell you,

607
00:42:51.600 --> 00:42:53.120
when I personally think,

608
00:42:53.120 --> 00:42:55.400
and listen to the online dating one,

609
00:42:55.440 --> 00:42:57.840
and I talk about this a little bit more,

610
00:42:57.840 --> 00:43:01.080
but you guys, it's really important for your profiles

611
00:43:01.080 --> 00:43:04.640
to say what you want and what you are for,

612
00:43:04.640 --> 00:43:06.640
not what you don't want.

613
00:43:06.640 --> 00:43:08.960
And so, A, that's my first piece of advice.

614
00:43:08.960 --> 00:43:11.800
Like I'm turned off the minute I see a guy say,

615
00:43:11.800 --> 00:43:15.080
I don't want drama, I don't want this, I don't want that.

616
00:43:15.080 --> 00:43:16.200
And that turns me off.

617
00:43:16.200 --> 00:43:17.920
So I feel like if someone's like,

618
00:43:17.920 --> 00:43:19.840
I don't wanna have sex until marriage,

619
00:43:19.840 --> 00:43:23.160
that could be a turnoff, even if it is a good, decent guy.

620
00:43:23.160 --> 00:43:25.320
So there's that, right?

621
00:43:26.240 --> 00:43:28.480
And so you wanna keep your profile super brief.

622
00:43:28.480 --> 00:43:30.160
The other thing that's coming to my mind

623
00:43:30.160 --> 00:43:31.960
by you keeping it up there,

624
00:43:31.960 --> 00:43:33.680
is the phrase that Jackie always says,

625
00:43:33.680 --> 00:43:36.480
there's being God defended and self-defended.

626
00:43:36.480 --> 00:43:38.400
So I feel like you keeping it up there

627
00:43:38.400 --> 00:43:40.880
is still you trying to be self-protective

628
00:43:40.880 --> 00:43:42.320
and you being self-defended.

629
00:43:42.320 --> 00:43:43.720
It's like, you're not trusting

630
00:43:43.720 --> 00:43:47.000
that God's gonna now defend you with your sexual purity

631
00:43:47.000 --> 00:43:50.080
and any other form of activity that you've been worried about.

632
00:43:50.080 --> 00:43:52.240
So you're like, I'm gonna armor up

633
00:43:52.240 --> 00:43:53.880
and I'm gonna put this out there.

634
00:43:53.880 --> 00:43:56.320
And I'm gonna try to keep out all the creepers.

635
00:43:56.320 --> 00:43:58.000
And I have to be honest with you,

636
00:43:58.000 --> 00:43:59.440
you actually putting that up there

637
00:43:59.440 --> 00:44:01.400
isn't gonna keep you as safe as you think it is

638
00:44:01.400 --> 00:44:04.320
because there are some men that wanna conquer that.

639
00:44:04.320 --> 00:44:05.800
I've had plenty of men who are like,

640
00:44:05.800 --> 00:44:08.120
ooh, now I really wanna take this chick out

641
00:44:08.120 --> 00:44:11.880
because I wanna prove to her that I can get her in bed.

642
00:44:11.880 --> 00:44:14.920
And so it actually might backfire on you.

643
00:44:14.920 --> 00:44:17.800
Now he'll tell you, oh my gosh, I love that you said that.

644
00:44:17.800 --> 00:44:19.560
I love that you said that.

645
00:44:19.560 --> 00:44:21.080
And he's gonna say all of it,

646
00:44:21.080 --> 00:44:23.120
but his actions may not line up.

647
00:44:23.120 --> 00:44:24.640
He might like try to reel you in.

648
00:44:24.640 --> 00:44:29.080
So, cause what you're basically saying to some people

649
00:44:29.080 --> 00:44:33.320
is what your trigger could be, what your carrot could be.

650
00:44:33.320 --> 00:44:35.040
And so you wanna be super careful there.

651
00:44:35.040 --> 00:44:37.280
You also wanna be super careful how much you say,

652
00:44:37.280 --> 00:44:39.320
I'm looking for this, this, and this

653
00:44:39.320 --> 00:44:41.400
because the chameleon is just gonna show up

654
00:44:41.400 --> 00:44:43.160
and be this, this, and this.

655
00:44:43.160 --> 00:44:45.280
So you wanna state who you are

656
00:44:45.280 --> 00:44:47.440
and what you're looking for in life.

657
00:44:47.440 --> 00:44:50.120
And if he says to you, well, what do you want in a guy?

658
00:44:50.120 --> 00:44:51.120
You just say, well, you know what?

659
00:44:51.120 --> 00:44:52.080
Tell me a little bit about you

660
00:44:52.080 --> 00:44:53.520
and I'll let you know if you're my guy.

661
00:44:53.520 --> 00:44:57.440
Like, because if he asks you, what do you want?

662
00:44:57.440 --> 00:45:00.480
Like, I would just say, be broad and be, you know.

663
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:05.880
Obviously, you know, I really want a guy that is pursuing a serious commitment and relationship.

664
00:45:05.880 --> 00:45:10.120
Somebody that's healthy mind, body, and spirit, somebody that's continuing to grow and learn.

665
00:45:10.120 --> 00:45:14.960
You want to just keep like those things that you're looking for really broad.

666
00:45:14.960 --> 00:45:20.700
I think, you know, Jackie has said, you don't bring up the sex until sex is on the table

667
00:45:20.700 --> 00:45:23.680
because once you bring up sex, now that conversation is always on the table.

668
00:45:23.680 --> 00:45:27.080
It's kind of like when Harry met Sally, some of you are too young for that, but it's like

669
00:45:27.080 --> 00:45:31.180
once you put sex in the conversation, it's never not in the conversation, even if you're

670
00:45:31.180 --> 00:45:33.040
kind of ignoring it.

671
00:45:33.040 --> 00:45:38.500
And so you have to trust McCall that you can have those early conversations with people

672
00:45:38.500 --> 00:45:43.680
and weed them out because God's going to help you weed people out.

673
00:45:43.680 --> 00:45:47.420
I also think we have to be careful dumping all our crap on them.

674
00:45:47.420 --> 00:45:52.740
So consider all your trauma withdrawals.

675
00:45:52.740 --> 00:45:58.580
If you are going to take on or either withdrawals or the phrase like luggage.

676
00:45:58.580 --> 00:46:01.660
So if I have children, that might be luggage.

677
00:46:01.660 --> 00:46:05.060
If I'm a former alcoholic, that's luggage.

678
00:46:05.060 --> 00:46:07.960
If I had an eating disorder, that might be luggage.

679
00:46:07.960 --> 00:46:12.660
Like whatever my shit is, that's my luggage and that's your luggage.

680
00:46:12.660 --> 00:46:13.900
So we all have baggage, right?

681
00:46:13.900 --> 00:46:14.900
We all have baggage.

682
00:46:14.900 --> 00:46:20.040
But the problem is if we unload our baggage onto the person we just met, we haven't made

683
00:46:20.040 --> 00:46:23.080
any deposits yet.

684
00:46:23.080 --> 00:46:28.440
And so what could have been something that could have handled finding out about it too

685
00:46:28.440 --> 00:46:30.760
soon as like, man, I don't even know if I like you yet.

686
00:46:30.760 --> 00:46:34.000
And now you've just told me five reasons why I shouldn't like you.

687
00:46:34.000 --> 00:46:39.120
Like, like when you go on a job interview, like when you go on a job interview, McCall,

688
00:46:39.120 --> 00:46:43.160
you would never say like, even if somebody asked you what your weaknesses are, you're

689
00:46:43.160 --> 00:46:44.160
smart girl.

690
00:46:44.160 --> 00:46:48.520
I bet you would come up with a way to make your weaknesses sound amazing, right?

691
00:46:48.520 --> 00:46:53.880
So you tell people on your interview, the best of who you are, you want them to kind

692
00:46:53.880 --> 00:46:55.480
of fall in love with you.

693
00:46:55.480 --> 00:47:01.000
Now they might say, tell me about a mistake that you learned and you might share one mistake.

694
00:47:01.000 --> 00:47:05.960
You might share one weakness, but if the interview is 30 minutes long, you spent two minutes

695
00:47:05.960 --> 00:47:09.960
talking about something negative about yourself and you've talked about how amazing you are

696
00:47:09.960 --> 00:47:11.080
for 28 minutes.

697
00:47:11.080 --> 00:47:12.960
So same rules apply.

698
00:47:12.960 --> 00:47:17.000
Like you wouldn't want an employer to not be, you know, like, well, really I've got

699
00:47:17.000 --> 00:47:18.720
this problem here and I got this problem here.

700
00:47:18.720 --> 00:47:20.680
I'd be like, oh my gosh, she's a hot mess express.

701
00:47:20.680 --> 00:47:22.760
There's no way I'm hiring this chick.

702
00:47:22.760 --> 00:47:25.440
Like and so the same, the rule would apply in the dating.

703
00:47:25.440 --> 00:47:31.600
So I would say, um, this is going to, pacing yourself is going to be your biggest challenge

704
00:47:31.600 --> 00:47:37.160
and I get it girl, um, but here's, let me give you, um, let me give you a different

705
00:47:37.160 --> 00:47:42.760
way not to waste your time because you don't want to waste, let me just finish, let me

706
00:47:42.760 --> 00:47:43.760
just finish this off.

707
00:47:43.760 --> 00:47:44.760
Yep.

708
00:47:44.760 --> 00:47:45.760
Yep.

709
00:47:45.760 --> 00:47:46.760
This is going to be good for folks.

710
00:47:47.520 --> 00:47:51.640
I'm probably not, I'm a direct girl like McCall, but I'm learning to not vomit my story and

711
00:47:51.640 --> 00:47:53.400
be like, you got to deal with it.

712
00:47:53.400 --> 00:47:57.440
Here's how I don't waste my time online dating or any kind of dating.

713
00:47:57.440 --> 00:47:58.640
I get matched up.

714
00:47:58.640 --> 00:48:02.040
I will give two or three text messages back and forth.

715
00:48:02.040 --> 00:48:07.040
If they start to ask me a really cool question, I say, you know what, that's a great question.

716
00:48:07.040 --> 00:48:10.120
I really hate texting as a form to get to know somebody.

717
00:48:10.120 --> 00:48:14.560
I would love to have a video conversation with you before we answer any more questions.

718
00:48:14.560 --> 00:48:18.360
If that's something you're open to, I'd love to book that time with you and then I just

719
00:48:18.360 --> 00:48:19.360
leave it there.

720
00:48:19.360 --> 00:48:24.680
If they don't want to book that time with me, I'm done texting and then I get to that

721
00:48:24.680 --> 00:48:27.240
video chat and then I can get to the date.

722
00:48:27.240 --> 00:48:31.520
And so I don't waste time texting for three weeks.

723
00:48:31.520 --> 00:48:34.320
I don't even, um, get on the phone.

724
00:48:34.320 --> 00:48:36.160
I don't care if it's your Google number.

725
00:48:36.160 --> 00:48:37.200
I do not get on the phone.

726
00:48:37.200 --> 00:48:38.480
I want to see what they look like.

727
00:48:38.480 --> 00:48:39.520
I want to see touch feel.

728
00:48:39.520 --> 00:48:42.160
I want to see all the tone inflection, body language.

729
00:48:42.480 --> 00:48:45.840
I want to make sure they are who they say are, but I really want to feel their energy

730
00:48:45.840 --> 00:48:48.640
and you can't feel someone's energy on a phone.

731
00:48:48.640 --> 00:48:52.880
So and not to mention, at least with a video chat, I'm still controlling when we're booking

732
00:48:52.880 --> 00:48:55.560
that time and I can make it almost like a date.

733
00:48:55.560 --> 00:49:00.600
If you give out your phone number or a Google number, you can now, the problem is they can

734
00:49:00.600 --> 00:49:02.080
keep texting you.

735
00:49:02.080 --> 00:49:03.880
They can call you when you're not prepared.

736
00:49:03.880 --> 00:49:05.400
They're not going to treat it like a date.

737
00:49:05.400 --> 00:49:08.600
I want them to treat that first video session like a date.

738
00:49:08.600 --> 00:49:10.980
I want them to pick a time.

739
00:49:10.980 --> 00:49:12.980
And so that's how I move quickly.

740
00:49:12.980 --> 00:49:18.180
So I feel like I get to the same thing you're trying to get to McCall very fast without

741
00:49:18.180 --> 00:49:21.340
being in your face fast.

742
00:49:21.340 --> 00:49:22.340
That makes sense.

743
00:49:22.340 --> 00:49:23.340
Okay.

744
00:49:23.340 --> 00:49:26.340
Did you have a follow up?

745
00:49:26.340 --> 00:49:30.900
I think it's just mainly like, okay, you're going to like, okay, I'm going to go out to

746
00:49:30.900 --> 00:49:35.420
go out to dinner with the guy then and let's say, and I don't, whatever, maybe the conversation

747
00:49:35.420 --> 00:49:39.380
shouldn't come up then anyway, but let's say, you know, the conversation comes around and

748
00:49:39.380 --> 00:49:42.820
he's just like, yeah, I'm, I'm all for that before marriage.

749
00:49:42.820 --> 00:49:45.980
I'm going to be like, check, please.

750
00:49:45.980 --> 00:49:51.140
You know, it's like, those are just some things that I just don't, you know, just other crap

751
00:49:51.140 --> 00:49:53.420
that I just don't want to be running into.

752
00:49:53.420 --> 00:49:57.740
And I don't want to view it as a waste of time, but, and that probably is like a self

753
00:49:57.740 --> 00:50:00.060
protection mode, but yeah, it is.

754
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:01.320
Cause I mean, and you know what?

755
00:50:01.320 --> 00:50:04.920
And that's why I don't, I mean, like book a video chat.

756
00:50:04.920 --> 00:50:08.080
First of all, I have saved myself plenty of dates

757
00:50:08.080 --> 00:50:09.960
by booking that video chat first.

758
00:50:09.960 --> 00:50:13.740
Man, it's like, no, no.

759
00:50:13.740 --> 00:50:15.340
And then if I book a first date,

760
00:50:15.340 --> 00:50:16.920
I don't book a dinner date, you guys.

761
00:50:16.920 --> 00:50:19.680
I book coffee, like I book a walk.

762
00:50:19.680 --> 00:50:21.240
Like, hey, let's grab a coffee

763
00:50:21.240 --> 00:50:23.160
and go walk down the street together

764
00:50:23.160 --> 00:50:25.160
because I need my steps in anyway.

765
00:50:25.160 --> 00:50:28.200
So even if it's a bus date, I got my steps in

766
00:50:28.200 --> 00:50:31.040
and we've had a chance to kind of walk and keep talking.

767
00:50:31.040 --> 00:50:34.040
I don't book like a date, like dinner date

768
00:50:34.040 --> 00:50:36.240
until like I'm at least the second date in.

769
00:50:36.240 --> 00:50:38.320
Now, if he wants to and you want to like go for it,

770
00:50:38.320 --> 00:50:39.800
like do that.

771
00:50:39.800 --> 00:50:44.080
But, and it's going to be hard, McCall.

772
00:50:44.080 --> 00:50:44.920
It's going to be hard

773
00:50:44.920 --> 00:50:47.280
cause you're going to want to get to the hard stuff fast.

774
00:50:47.280 --> 00:50:48.440
I can tell.

775
00:50:48.440 --> 00:50:50.120
And you're going to not want to waste your time.

776
00:50:50.120 --> 00:50:52.400
And so like, you're going to have to go before the Lord

777
00:50:52.400 --> 00:50:54.740
going, what else, God, do you want me to learn

778
00:50:54.740 --> 00:50:56.320
in this dating process?

779
00:50:56.320 --> 00:50:58.680
And how can I learn how to be softer?

780
00:50:58.680 --> 00:51:00.520
If you've not watched the Divine Feminine,

781
00:51:00.520 --> 00:51:02.840
I encourage you to watch that one.

782
00:51:02.840 --> 00:51:06.280
And that might help you understand why,

783
00:51:07.360 --> 00:51:09.040
because this is teaching you how to bring out

784
00:51:09.040 --> 00:51:09.960
the Divine Feminine side.

785
00:51:09.960 --> 00:51:11.400
And you guys, it's really interesting

786
00:51:11.400 --> 00:51:15.440
cause the guy that like already wants to go exclusive

787
00:51:15.440 --> 00:51:18.480
with me right now, he's like,

788
00:51:18.480 --> 00:51:22.320
the one thing he complimented me on was how feminine I was.

789
00:51:22.320 --> 00:51:24.680
And now up North, I used to hear that all the time.

790
00:51:24.680 --> 00:51:26.520
No one ever thought I was direct up North,

791
00:51:26.520 --> 00:51:28.000
but ever since I moved to Nashville,

792
00:51:28.000 --> 00:51:29.560
it's like, Renee, you're just so direct.

793
00:51:29.560 --> 00:51:32.300
I'm like, okay, compared to all of you, maybe.

794
00:51:33.400 --> 00:51:35.000
I'm kind of a wimp up North,

795
00:51:35.000 --> 00:51:37.840
but like it was the first time that a man said

796
00:51:37.840 --> 00:51:39.600
that I was feminine.

797
00:51:39.600 --> 00:51:41.600
Cause I'm kind of like a little bit of a spitfire.

798
00:51:41.600 --> 00:51:45.280
And so you might want to use this opportunity

799
00:51:45.280 --> 00:51:47.200
to draw out your feminine side.

800
00:51:47.200 --> 00:51:51.560
And so it seems like it's a waste of your time,

801
00:51:51.560 --> 00:51:55.240
but it's not because it's growing that in you.

802
00:51:55.240 --> 00:51:57.320
It's growing a new muscle in you.

803
00:51:57.320 --> 00:52:00.720
So I want you to try to think about it that way.

804
00:52:00.720 --> 00:52:01.560
Okay.

805
00:52:03.400 --> 00:52:05.040
All right, I hope that helps.

806
00:52:05.040 --> 00:52:07.400
Watch some of the videos, bring it back around.

807
00:52:07.400 --> 00:52:09.340
Maria, you asked a really good question.

808
00:52:09.340 --> 00:52:11.880
I don't know any other good material in Divine Feminine

809
00:52:11.880 --> 00:52:13.800
that's not hippy dippy woo woo.

810
00:52:13.800 --> 00:52:14.680
That's the problem.

811
00:52:14.680 --> 00:52:17.760
Like, I feel like people see that Divine Feminine topic

812
00:52:17.760 --> 00:52:20.880
and right away, the only other place

813
00:52:20.880 --> 00:52:22.440
I feel like,

814
00:52:22.440 --> 00:52:24.080
and we're not supposed to really promote other books,

815
00:52:24.080 --> 00:52:26.520
but the only other book I feel like that's closest

816
00:52:26.520 --> 00:52:29.000
to talking about the Divine Feminine

817
00:52:29.000 --> 00:52:32.680
is John and Stacey Elridge wrote books about 15 years ago.

818
00:52:32.680 --> 00:52:36.040
He wrote Wild at Heart and she wrote Captivating.

819
00:52:36.040 --> 00:52:37.760
I feel like Wild at Heart,

820
00:52:37.760 --> 00:52:41.340
really at the heart of Wild at Heart is divine masculine

821
00:52:41.340 --> 00:52:43.560
and what men need and what they're looking for.

822
00:52:43.560 --> 00:52:45.760
And I feel like at the heart of Captivating

823
00:52:45.760 --> 00:52:47.800
is what does it mean to be Divine Feminine?

824
00:52:47.800 --> 00:52:49.960
So I feel like that's the only

825
00:52:49.960 --> 00:52:51.960
what I would consider scripturally sound,

826
00:52:51.960 --> 00:52:55.040
biblical versions of Divine Masculine and Feminine.

827
00:52:55.040 --> 00:52:56.960
I personally bought both of them

828
00:52:56.960 --> 00:52:59.840
and I took as much value at reading Wild at Heart

829
00:52:59.840 --> 00:53:01.400
and learning about men

830
00:53:01.400 --> 00:53:05.080
as I did reading Captivating, learning about women.

831
00:53:05.080 --> 00:53:06.320
And here's what I will tell you

832
00:53:06.320 --> 00:53:08.160
what's beautiful about that story.

833
00:53:08.160 --> 00:53:10.480
She'll tell you she was a hot broken mess

834
00:53:10.480 --> 00:53:12.360
and totally screwed up on their initial dates.

835
00:53:12.360 --> 00:53:14.380
So you know how Jackie says you can't mess up

836
00:53:14.380 --> 00:53:15.780
if he's your spirit mate?

837
00:53:15.780 --> 00:53:18.620
You really can't because their marriage is amazing,

838
00:53:18.620 --> 00:53:20.860
but they were both hot mess expresses

839
00:53:20.860 --> 00:53:21.820
when they got together.

840
00:53:21.820 --> 00:53:25.460
So it's just a good example of if he's your person,

841
00:53:25.460 --> 00:53:27.660
God's gonna put grace on your face

842
00:53:27.660 --> 00:53:30.240
and he's gonna help work through the clunks.

843
00:53:35.900 --> 00:53:37.960
Okie dokie, let's see.

844
00:53:39.740 --> 00:53:40.580
Long distance.

845
00:53:40.580 --> 00:53:42.260
Somebody had a question about long distance.

846
00:53:42.260 --> 00:53:43.100
Who was it?

847
00:53:43.100 --> 00:53:43.920
So I want you to come on.

848
00:53:43.920 --> 00:53:45.420
Somebody else had a long...

849
00:53:45.420 --> 00:53:46.940
Oh, Amanda.

850
00:53:46.940 --> 00:53:48.380
Is there another way to have a date

851
00:53:48.380 --> 00:53:50.160
for long distance outside of Zoom?

852
00:53:50.160 --> 00:53:52.620
I'm running into people who don't know how to use Zoom.

853
00:53:52.620 --> 00:53:54.220
Oh my gosh.

854
00:53:54.220 --> 00:53:55.940
All right, well, here's a few ways.

855
00:53:55.940 --> 00:53:59.180
One, the most obvious is Facebook Messenger.

856
00:53:59.180 --> 00:54:02.100
So unfortunately with Facebook Messenger,

857
00:54:02.100 --> 00:54:04.140
they are gonna find out your Facebook account,

858
00:54:04.140 --> 00:54:05.940
but don't make them your...

859
00:54:05.940 --> 00:54:08.220
You can do Facebook Messenger by video

860
00:54:08.220 --> 00:54:10.260
without becoming Facebook friends.

861
00:54:10.260 --> 00:54:12.780
So if you've got your privacy settings,

862
00:54:12.780 --> 00:54:14.780
yes, he's gonna find out your last name,

863
00:54:14.780 --> 00:54:17.100
but Facebook Messenger is like...

864
00:54:17.100 --> 00:54:18.660
There's a girl in the community like Cheryl.

865
00:54:18.660 --> 00:54:20.380
Cheryl who helps run the programs with us.

866
00:54:20.380 --> 00:54:22.140
Her and I Facebook Messenger all the time

867
00:54:22.140 --> 00:54:23.780
because she lives in Canada.

868
00:54:23.780 --> 00:54:25.620
And so it's just an easy way for us

869
00:54:25.620 --> 00:54:27.600
to video chat with each other.

870
00:54:27.600 --> 00:54:30.620
So obviously if he can't do...

871
00:54:30.620 --> 00:54:33.060
If the guy can't do Zoom, he can't do Google Chat.

872
00:54:33.060 --> 00:54:36.780
I find I hate the Google Meet video thing platform.

873
00:54:36.780 --> 00:54:39.600
I find it worse than Zoom in my opinion.

874
00:54:39.600 --> 00:54:42.580
But you guys, don't be afraid to teach him how to use Zoom

875
00:54:42.580 --> 00:54:44.460
because you can download the Zoom app

876
00:54:44.460 --> 00:54:46.540
for free on your phone.

877
00:54:46.540 --> 00:54:49.380
WhatsApp, again, if you guys have already exchanged...

878
00:54:49.380 --> 00:54:51.460
People get so freaked out about WhatsApp.

879
00:54:51.460 --> 00:54:53.540
No, you don't wanna give a perfect stranger

880
00:54:53.540 --> 00:54:55.780
your WhatsApp information, whatever.

881
00:54:55.780 --> 00:54:58.000
But I use WhatsApp every time I'm talking

882
00:54:58.000 --> 00:55:00.700
to somebody overseas or when I'm out of the country.

883
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:04.480
country. Like it's a safe way to communicate with somebody. And actually the guy that I'm

884
00:55:04.480 --> 00:55:08.320
talking to right now, he has an Android and I have an iPhone, so we can't FaceTime. So

885
00:55:08.320 --> 00:55:14.560
the only way we can video chat is through WhatsApp. And so WhatsApp is a, so don't be

886
00:55:14.560 --> 00:55:22.320
afraid to move over to those platforms. Hopefully that answered your question. Okay. Lauren,

887
00:55:22.320 --> 00:55:28.720
you are up. Yes. Hello. Thank you. So I'm like a week

888
00:55:28.720 --> 00:55:35.520
and a half in phase two, like listening to the content, trying to wrap my, my new mind

889
00:55:35.520 --> 00:55:42.960
around all the things. Yeah, that's definitely the vibe. And so I matched with a guy, we

890
00:55:42.960 --> 00:55:50.880
did a video chat and he was not my normal type. And I keep like hearing in the back

891
00:55:50.880 --> 00:55:55.840
of my mind, whether it was your voice or Jackie's voice being like, you know, staying open minded.

892
00:55:56.400 --> 00:56:03.360
Um, and so it was good. It was, he's very lovely, like very kind and respectful. Um,

893
00:56:03.360 --> 00:56:08.400
you could tell he was nervous. I do zoom all day for work. He does not. So that's fine.

894
00:56:09.280 --> 00:56:14.720
But like, you got a lot of this. Did you get a lot of this or his nose? No, I got this. Like,

895
00:56:14.720 --> 00:56:25.200
he's just like, yeah, I know. So I was like trying to extend grace. So we chat, we messaged

896
00:56:25.200 --> 00:56:30.400
or whatever for a second meetup. And he's like, let's do putt, putt or whatnot. And I'm like,

897
00:56:30.400 --> 00:56:35.920
Ooh, I'm afraid to do that long with you. Cause it was awkward.

898
00:56:37.920 --> 00:56:41.120
Here's why you want to give him the putt putt is less than two hours.

899
00:56:42.720 --> 00:56:46.960
Well, I have, so I've raised my kids by myself, so I only have little pockets,

900
00:56:46.960 --> 00:56:50.960
the window. So I gave him like drinks. I don't drink, but like we'll go get drinks

901
00:56:51.520 --> 00:56:58.160
for like an hour. I'm just like, I'm struggling. Normally I would write him off because he's

902
00:56:58.160 --> 00:57:02.720
scheduled the date and then didn't say like, looking, I'm a words of affirmation. So there's

903
00:57:02.720 --> 00:57:08.880
no like looking forward to it or. Right. Except if he's nervous. I'm a checklist.

904
00:57:08.880 --> 00:57:15.280
Right. But if he's nervous and a little dorky, you want to give him the best possible chance

905
00:57:15.280 --> 00:57:20.640
to show his best self to you. So he probably picked putt, putt, because it means you're not

906
00:57:20.640 --> 00:57:24.320
just staring at each other across from drinks, which might make him really uncomfortable.

907
00:57:24.880 --> 00:57:31.360
So you can pick something that's an hour long. That's like putt, putt. You could go play,

908
00:57:31.360 --> 00:57:36.560
you could go say, Hey, let's go to Jonathan's like a pool hall. Let's go play pool. Let's go

909
00:57:36.560 --> 00:57:42.880
play darts. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Something where you can act. Cause what he's saying to you

910
00:57:42.880 --> 00:57:47.680
is I need to do an activity. So I'm not so nervous. And you're like, yeah, let's just do

911
00:57:47.680 --> 00:57:52.240
drinks. And he's probably going to go right now. I've got to stare across at her and have drinks

912
00:57:52.240 --> 00:57:57.360
now again, he still might not be your guy, but this is you being a godly kind woman.

913
00:57:57.360 --> 00:58:01.600
And you're going to give him every chance to be the best version of himself. So

914
00:58:02.480 --> 00:58:06.880
offer to meet at a driving range and just shoot a bucket of balls. Cause shooting a bucket of

915
00:58:06.880 --> 00:58:11.120
balls takes less than an hour. You don't even have to do your own clubs. You guys can rent the clubs.

916
00:58:11.120 --> 00:58:16.320
Um, you can, so you can go to the driving range. You can go to, like I said, go to a billiards,

917
00:58:16.320 --> 00:58:21.840
like, um, you know, or just say, Hey, let's both grab coffee. And I'm going to bring a game of

918
00:58:21.840 --> 00:58:29.360
Uno cards, bring a game of cards, like, you know, make it fun, like make it fun. So that's, if

919
00:58:29.360 --> 00:58:34.560
you're going to give him this chance and he's kind of nervous and dorky, give him his best chance at

920
00:58:34.560 --> 00:58:40.320
surviving. And at the very least, as Jackie would say, leave him better than you found him.

921
00:58:40.960 --> 00:58:45.120
And maybe you'll give him confidence for the next person. You might be thinking I'm a mom. I don't

922
00:58:45.120 --> 00:58:50.080
have time for this crap, but it might grow you. Here's the thing. You guys, we never know what

923
00:58:50.080 --> 00:58:56.160
God is growing in us. And we're out on these other dates because I would venture that Lauren,

924
00:58:56.160 --> 00:59:01.280
even when you meet your perfect guy, he's not going to be perfect all the time. And you're

925
00:59:01.280 --> 00:59:07.600
going to have to find ways to be selfless and help find a way for him to shine. So even if it's

926
00:59:07.600 --> 00:59:13.360
just a practice, I need to teach, I need to, I need to find ways for my husband to learn how to

927
00:59:13.360 --> 00:59:20.480
shine when he's uncomfortable. That's beautiful. I don't know that I think because it's just like,

928
00:59:20.480 --> 00:59:27.040
and so I think back now to all of the dates that I've been on and it might change the way I date

929
00:59:27.040 --> 00:59:36.080
today, my guy. And it's going to give me practice. I'm going to be more patient. And cause

930
00:59:36.080 --> 00:59:42.320
like McCall, man, I'm like, let's go, man. Let's go. And God may have me marry somebody that

931
00:59:42.320 --> 00:59:50.320
processes a lot slower than I do. But if he's my, if he's my guy in every other place, if he's,

932
00:59:50.320 --> 00:59:54.480
if he's my spiritual leader, if he wants to lay hands and pray for me, if he wants to do ministry

933
00:59:54.480 --> 00:59:59.760
with me, if he's this, this, and this, and the only thing he isn't, is that a out loud.

934
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:02.540
but on the fly thinker speaker,

935
01:00:02.540 --> 01:00:04.720
then I've got to learn how to slow my roll

936
01:00:04.720 --> 01:00:06.860
and be okay with that.

937
01:00:06.860 --> 01:00:08.780
Because everything else he's got.

938
01:00:08.780 --> 01:00:09.620
So, I don't know.

939
01:00:09.620 --> 01:00:10.780
That's just the advice.

940
01:00:10.780 --> 01:00:12.380
Hopefully that helped a lot of you guys.

941
01:00:12.380 --> 01:00:14.340
Yeah, can I follow up a question?

942
01:00:14.340 --> 01:00:15.780
Oh, sorry.

943
01:00:15.780 --> 01:00:18.320
So, we already have it scheduled for Thursday.

944
01:00:18.320 --> 01:00:21.460
Should I be like, hey, I was thinking.

945
01:00:21.460 --> 01:00:22.540
Bring a deck of cards.

946
01:00:22.540 --> 01:00:23.380
Bring a deck of cards.

947
01:00:23.380 --> 01:00:24.200
Bring Uno.

948
01:00:24.200 --> 01:00:25.040
Bring something.

949
01:00:25.040 --> 01:00:26.060
Bring Scattergories.

950
01:00:26.060 --> 01:00:27.240
Bring Yahtzee.

951
01:00:27.240 --> 01:00:28.700
Bring a backgammon game.

952
01:00:28.700 --> 01:00:31.100
Try to find, go to like the store.

953
01:00:31.100 --> 01:00:32.300
Try to find a silly game.

954
01:00:32.300 --> 01:00:33.140
Oh, I have kids.

955
01:00:33.140 --> 01:00:33.960
We have cards.

956
01:00:33.960 --> 01:00:35.920
Oh, then you got it.

957
01:00:35.920 --> 01:00:37.660
Like apples to apples.

958
01:00:37.660 --> 01:00:39.900
Like literally just say, you know what?

959
01:00:39.900 --> 01:00:42.020
I just thought I would make it fun.

960
01:00:42.020 --> 01:00:43.300
How do you feel about that?

961
01:00:43.300 --> 01:00:44.140
Like I've got to.

962
01:00:44.140 --> 01:00:45.020
I love that.

963
01:00:45.020 --> 01:00:46.660
So, just where you can be spontaneous

964
01:00:46.660 --> 01:00:48.140
and you might go, oh, phew.

965
01:00:48.140 --> 01:00:49.460
Like, great.

966
01:00:49.460 --> 01:00:50.300
Yeah.

967
01:00:50.300 --> 01:00:52.140
It's like, there's a lot.

968
01:00:52.140 --> 01:00:52.980
All right, Mel.

969
01:00:52.980 --> 01:00:53.800
So good.

970
01:00:53.800 --> 01:00:54.640
Thank you.

971
01:00:54.640 --> 01:00:55.480
Thank you.

972
01:00:55.480 --> 01:00:56.740
Okay, I may not pronounce your name correctly.

973
01:00:56.740 --> 01:00:57.820
So, is it Machanda?

974
01:00:58.460 --> 01:01:00.100
Tell me how you pronounce your name.

975
01:01:00.100 --> 01:01:01.620
It's Machanda.

976
01:01:01.620 --> 01:01:02.460
Machanda.

977
01:01:02.460 --> 01:01:03.980
All right, I'm going to get it the next time.

978
01:01:03.980 --> 01:01:05.500
Machanda, that's beautiful.

979
01:01:05.500 --> 01:01:06.340
Okay.

980
01:01:06.340 --> 01:01:07.420
What you got, girl?

981
01:01:07.420 --> 01:01:08.340
So, I have a question.

982
01:01:08.340 --> 01:01:11.440
I've been in group two or phase two for a couple of weeks,

983
01:01:11.440 --> 01:01:16.440
but gave myself some time before reactivating online dating

984
01:01:16.460 --> 01:01:20.500
because, you know, I show up a lot better in person.

985
01:01:20.500 --> 01:01:22.140
I don't enjoy online dating

986
01:01:22.140 --> 01:01:25.180
and having distraction tendencies,

987
01:01:25.180 --> 01:01:27.700
it distracts me completely.

988
01:01:28.540 --> 01:01:32.300
But I activated Facebook again and Hinge.

989
01:01:33.260 --> 01:01:35.180
But I met this guy on Bumble

990
01:01:35.180 --> 01:01:37.580
and all of a sudden I got an email or a text message

991
01:01:37.580 --> 01:01:40.200
from him and it was interesting

992
01:01:40.200 --> 01:01:45.200
because he was like, good evening.

993
01:01:46.140 --> 01:01:47.660
And I was just like, hi there or whatever.

994
01:01:47.660 --> 01:01:51.160
He was like, do you have time for wine this evening?

995
01:01:53.120 --> 01:01:56.340
Well, you didn't even ask me to reconnect,

996
01:01:56.340 --> 01:02:00.180
but you're steadily wanting to like get back connected.

997
01:02:00.180 --> 01:02:01.660
He's a man of means.

998
01:02:01.660 --> 01:02:06.260
And so he's used to women perhaps doing what he says

999
01:02:06.260 --> 01:02:07.380
at the drop of a dime.

1000
01:02:07.380 --> 01:02:11.340
And so I responded and I wanted to see if my response,

1001
01:02:11.340 --> 01:02:13.520
because sometimes I can be very direct and to the point

1002
01:02:13.520 --> 01:02:15.700
and not soft dropping anything.

1003
01:02:15.700 --> 01:02:16.740
No, I can't do anything.

1004
01:02:16.740 --> 01:02:18.420
I can just be very direct.

1005
01:02:18.420 --> 01:02:20.780
Yeah, so we're like spirit sisters.

1006
01:02:20.780 --> 01:02:21.940
I got you.

1007
01:02:21.940 --> 01:02:22.780
Right.

1008
01:02:22.780 --> 01:02:23.900
And so I just like, look.

1009
01:02:24.740 --> 01:02:27.220
So tell me what you, do you have a copy

1010
01:02:27.220 --> 01:02:28.300
of what you said back?

1011
01:02:29.620 --> 01:02:31.740
Do you guys want a little quick transcript?

1012
01:02:31.740 --> 01:02:32.740
Cause I want it.

1013
01:02:32.740 --> 01:02:35.340
I want to see how much you sliced it on him.

1014
01:02:37.300 --> 01:02:38.460
Good, I'll just say that.

1015
01:02:38.460 --> 01:02:39.780
So he was like, good evening, Meshonda.

1016
01:02:39.780 --> 01:02:41.340
I said, hi there, what's good?

1017
01:02:41.340 --> 01:02:43.980
He said, life got time for wine this evening.

1018
01:02:43.980 --> 01:02:45.500
So I'm responding to his life is good.

1019
01:02:45.500 --> 01:02:46.320
I said, good to hear.

1020
01:02:46.320 --> 01:02:48.700
Unfortunately I don't, but if you want to connect

1021
01:02:48.700 --> 01:02:50.740
perhaps we can plan something that works both

1022
01:02:50.740 --> 01:02:52.340
for both of our schedules.

1023
01:02:52.340 --> 01:02:53.420
He says, how about Wednesday?

1024
01:02:53.420 --> 01:02:55.900
Which is today evening at 6 p.m.

1025
01:02:55.900 --> 01:02:58.100
I was like, actually I'm committed that evening.

1026
01:02:58.100 --> 01:02:59.780
Well, yeah, Wednesday.

1027
01:02:59.780 --> 01:03:01.340
I was like, actually I'm committed that evening

1028
01:03:01.340 --> 01:03:05.260
which is tomorrow, but I don't want to be presumptuous

1029
01:03:05.260 --> 01:03:07.860
but what's the meeting for?

1030
01:03:07.860 --> 01:03:08.700
Cause I haven't talked to him.

1031
01:03:08.700 --> 01:03:11.260
You said that to him?

1032
01:03:11.260 --> 01:03:12.540
I did, is that wrong?

1033
01:03:13.940 --> 01:03:16.500
No, I mean, I will say this.

1034
01:03:16.500 --> 01:03:19.740
I'm not a texter for clarity.

1035
01:03:19.740 --> 01:03:22.220
That's a conversation I would have verbally.

1036
01:03:23.060 --> 01:03:25.700
I'm a big fan of, you just don't know how that tone

1037
01:03:25.700 --> 01:03:27.540
and inflection is going to land.

1038
01:03:27.540 --> 01:03:30.980
Cause everything you've said so far sounded really great.

1039
01:03:30.980 --> 01:03:33.300
Here's what I would have said the second

1040
01:03:34.300 --> 01:03:36.700
he, you couldn't do Wednesday.

1041
01:03:36.700 --> 01:03:38.660
He's now asked you for two different times

1042
01:03:38.660 --> 01:03:40.800
and you weren't available for both of them.

1043
01:03:40.800 --> 01:03:42.660
So if you didn't want to know his why

1044
01:03:42.660 --> 01:03:45.540
it really was on you to give an alternative.

1045
01:03:45.540 --> 01:03:48.940
Hey, I can't do Wednesday, but how's Thursday at noon?

1046
01:03:48.940 --> 01:03:49.980
You know, I've got time.

1047
01:03:49.980 --> 01:03:52.260
Let's just do coffee first or something like that.

1048
01:03:52.260 --> 01:03:54.140
He's asked you twice.

1049
01:03:54.140 --> 01:03:55.760
You said twice.

1050
01:03:55.760 --> 01:03:57.260
So if you really wanted to see him

1051
01:03:57.260 --> 01:04:00.940
it was on you to give a third option, but you did ask

1052
01:04:00.940 --> 01:04:02.740
and just, and here's how you could, again

1053
01:04:02.740 --> 01:04:06.020
if you're going to text it, you could have said, hey

1054
01:04:06.020 --> 01:04:07.900
I know this might come out wrong.

1055
01:04:07.900 --> 01:04:09.540
So please forgive me.

1056
01:04:10.500 --> 01:04:12.820
Are you looking to just connect as friends?

1057
01:04:12.820 --> 01:04:16.400
Are you thinking, you know, like give me a little bit more

1058
01:04:16.400 --> 01:04:18.360
just, just, can you give me a little bit?

1059
01:04:18.360 --> 01:04:19.800
I'm just curious.

1060
01:04:19.800 --> 01:04:20.720
Let's go back to that.

1061
01:04:20.720 --> 01:04:21.800
I'm curious.

1062
01:04:21.800 --> 01:04:25.600
Can you be a little bit more clear on your intention?

1063
01:04:27.520 --> 01:04:28.360
You're right.

1064
01:04:28.360 --> 01:04:30.640
I could have done that, but I think there's history.

1065
01:04:30.640 --> 01:04:33.400
And I was just like, I just wanted to cut straight to him.

1066
01:04:33.400 --> 01:04:35.360
Like, I don't want to waste my time.

1067
01:04:35.360 --> 01:04:40.360
If, if, so he said you crossed my mind

1068
01:04:40.940 --> 01:04:41.940
and I missed your company.

1069
01:04:41.940 --> 01:04:42.780
No pressure.

1070
01:04:42.780 --> 01:04:44.360
He went out twice.

1071
01:04:44.360 --> 01:04:48.160
Oh, found out what happened is on Facebook.

1072
01:04:48.960 --> 01:04:52.600
I can't move past him because he's liked my picture already.

1073
01:04:52.600 --> 01:04:54.280
Yeah. You have to either say yes or no.

1074
01:04:54.280 --> 01:04:56.480
That's the only thing I don't like about Facebook.

1075
01:04:56.480 --> 01:04:59.520
You can't kind of be like, eh, I haven't decided yet.

1076
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:01.440
You have to make a decision.

1077
01:05:01.440 --> 01:05:04.120
I mean, so here's what I offer to do

1078
01:05:04.120 --> 01:05:07.360
when I'm not sure how much I want to invest in somebody.

1079
01:05:07.360 --> 01:05:11.240
I don't pick an evening thing where there's no end in sight.

1080
01:05:11.240 --> 01:05:13.120
I just say, I really don't have time

1081
01:05:13.120 --> 01:05:15.120
for drinks this week at night,

1082
01:05:15.120 --> 01:05:17.700
but I do have time for a quick coffee break

1083
01:05:17.700 --> 01:05:19.560
in the afternoon or at lunch.

1084
01:05:19.560 --> 01:05:21.800
Would you be open for that?

1085
01:05:23.200 --> 01:05:25.280
The fact that you haven't heard from him

1086
01:05:25.280 --> 01:05:28.120
and he just missed you and it was Valentine's Day

1087
01:05:28.120 --> 01:05:29.920
and he wanted to do drinks that night.

1088
01:05:30.640 --> 01:05:32.480
It's not quite a booty call,

1089
01:05:32.480 --> 01:05:35.680
but it kind of is not pursuing you.

1090
01:05:35.680 --> 01:05:37.920
He might just be lonely.

1091
01:05:37.920 --> 01:05:41.400
And the question is how much you'd be open

1092
01:05:41.400 --> 01:05:42.680
to seeing him again?

1093
01:05:42.680 --> 01:05:43.520
I guess that's my first,

1094
01:05:43.520 --> 01:05:45.680
I should have asked you that first.

1095
01:05:45.680 --> 01:05:48.120
All things considered, are you curious

1096
01:05:48.120 --> 01:05:50.240
and do you want to see him again?

1097
01:05:50.240 --> 01:05:51.440
I don't know.

1098
01:05:51.440 --> 01:05:52.880
Like I'm asking the Lord, I'm like,

1099
01:05:52.880 --> 01:05:54.320
look, is this a distraction?

1100
01:05:54.320 --> 01:05:56.000
Cause you know how we've been taught

1101
01:05:56.000 --> 01:05:57.720
like sometimes distractions come

1102
01:05:57.720 --> 01:06:01.920
and I'm just not in a season where I want distractions.

1103
01:06:01.920 --> 01:06:02.760
Yeah.

1104
01:06:02.760 --> 01:06:04.160
I don't want to be thrown off by distractions

1105
01:06:04.160 --> 01:06:07.000
or have my vision tainted.

1106
01:06:07.000 --> 01:06:10.520
So how, if I'm on the fence about somebody like that,

1107
01:06:10.520 --> 01:06:13.720
but I'm willing to be curious and hold space for it,

1108
01:06:13.720 --> 01:06:15.140
I will pick a day and a time

1109
01:06:15.140 --> 01:06:16.800
where I have a very tight time limit.

1110
01:06:16.800 --> 01:06:19.360
Like, hey, you know, I can definitely do Wednesday,

1111
01:06:19.360 --> 01:06:22.200
Thursday or Friday, but I really only have an hour.

1112
01:06:22.200 --> 01:06:23.740
I have a really full week this week,

1113
01:06:23.740 --> 01:06:25.840
but I'd sure I'd love to catch up with you.

1114
01:06:25.840 --> 01:06:27.680
And then if he says, well, no,

1115
01:06:27.680 --> 01:06:29.200
let's wait till we can do drinks.

1116
01:06:29.200 --> 01:06:32.120
And then he's not willing to accommodate you.

1117
01:06:32.120 --> 01:06:34.480
Like you guys, a gentleman, you know,

1118
01:06:34.480 --> 01:06:36.680
Bethany just put up a great post today.

1119
01:06:36.680 --> 01:06:38.020
Go take a look at it.

1120
01:06:38.020 --> 01:06:42.260
Redefining masculine, mature and marriage-minded.

1121
01:06:42.260 --> 01:06:47.260
If he's a good guy, he's going to bow to your parameter,

1122
01:06:47.960 --> 01:06:50.240
not the other way around.

1123
01:06:50.240 --> 01:06:52.000
Cause I was like talking to this guy last night

1124
01:06:52.000 --> 01:06:53.040
who I was actually hanging out with

1125
01:06:53.040 --> 01:06:55.400
and he made a comment about my height.

1126
01:06:55.960 --> 01:06:57.400
And he said, y'all, he's really tall and I'm really short.

1127
01:06:57.400 --> 01:06:58.240
So it's kind of funny.

1128
01:06:58.240 --> 01:06:59.720
Like all the tall girls are going to hate me

1129
01:06:59.720 --> 01:07:02.320
if I end up with this guy because his height

1130
01:07:02.320 --> 01:07:04.800
is getting wasted on four foot nothing.

1131
01:07:04.800 --> 01:07:09.200
And he made a comment and I backed away and he goes,

1132
01:07:09.200 --> 01:07:10.160
no, no, come closer.

1133
01:07:10.160 --> 01:07:11.000
I'm like, no.

1134
01:07:11.000 --> 01:07:11.960
And he goes, no, no, come closer.

1135
01:07:11.960 --> 01:07:14.640
I'm like, no, this is my boundary.

1136
01:07:14.640 --> 01:07:15.800
You are so tall.

1137
01:07:15.800 --> 01:07:17.060
You are so big.

1138
01:07:17.060 --> 01:07:19.920
Like, I'm just getting to know you.

1139
01:07:19.920 --> 01:07:21.320
I need some safety.

1140
01:07:21.320 --> 01:07:23.880
It's about my safety first, not yours.

1141
01:07:23.880 --> 01:07:25.000
And like, I was just really clear.

1142
01:07:25.640 --> 01:07:26.800
I just stood my ground.

1143
01:07:26.800 --> 01:07:29.520
And if he's a good man, he will honor your ground.

1144
01:07:29.520 --> 01:07:33.840
So that's my advice is if you are curious

1145
01:07:33.840 --> 01:07:35.680
and you're willing to hold space,

1146
01:07:35.680 --> 01:07:39.800
book it in a time that's safe for you and not distracting.

1147
01:07:41.120 --> 01:07:42.640
Okay, thank you.

1148
01:07:42.640 --> 01:07:44.640
Yeah, those were great, but those were great examples.

1149
01:07:44.640 --> 01:07:46.960
So you guys, you see how he like made two attempts

1150
01:07:46.960 --> 01:07:48.320
to meet up with her.

1151
01:07:48.320 --> 01:07:49.960
So she really wants to see him.

1152
01:07:49.960 --> 01:07:53.520
It's probably now on her to set the direction.

1153
01:07:53.520 --> 01:07:56.520
So now you can get kind of in control of that next visit

1154
01:07:56.520 --> 01:07:58.680
and it being a way that's safe for you.

1155
01:07:58.680 --> 01:07:59.640
That's super good.

1156
01:08:01.600 --> 01:08:03.520
Emily, I'm wondering when do we get access

1157
01:08:03.520 --> 01:08:04.440
to the single cities?

1158
01:08:04.440 --> 01:08:06.840
Just started FaceTune and haven't watched all the videos.

1159
01:08:06.840 --> 01:08:09.960
Technically, you should get access to single cities now

1160
01:08:09.960 --> 01:08:11.360
and single nation.

1161
01:08:11.360 --> 01:08:14.280
It should be that fast to get into your single city.

1162
01:08:14.280 --> 01:08:16.200
So you're gonna go over to your single city.

1163
01:08:16.200 --> 01:08:17.920
I forget where the post, it's in the guides.

1164
01:08:17.920 --> 01:08:19.080
It's somewhere in the guides.

1165
01:08:19.080 --> 01:08:20.840
And it lists all the single cities

1166
01:08:20.840 --> 01:08:22.340
that we have for you to join.

1167
01:08:23.760 --> 01:08:27.399
We are having a moderator's meeting this week

1168
01:08:27.399 --> 01:08:30.319
or next week about single cities.

1169
01:08:30.319 --> 01:08:31.920
So if you go to put your name in

1170
01:08:31.920 --> 01:08:33.880
and the moderator doesn't approve you right away,

1171
01:08:33.880 --> 01:08:34.920
it's not your fault.

1172
01:08:34.920 --> 01:08:36.840
It's just, we're trying to get clarity

1173
01:08:38.120 --> 01:08:39.760
because I think Jackie's moving

1174
01:08:39.760 --> 01:08:43.040
to only wanting the single city be for paying members.

1175
01:08:43.040 --> 01:08:45.240
And the problem is not all the moderators

1176
01:08:45.240 --> 01:08:47.640
have access to who's paying still or not.

1177
01:08:47.640 --> 01:08:50.359
So we have to like kind of figure out that kink.

1178
01:08:50.359 --> 01:08:52.600
So feel free to put your name into a single city

1179
01:08:52.640 --> 01:08:56.279
that's near your area and single nation,

1180
01:08:56.279 --> 01:08:58.920
but just be patient if you don't get approved right away

1181
01:08:58.920 --> 01:09:01.040
because we're just trying to figure out behind the scenes

1182
01:09:01.040 --> 01:09:02.859
how to make that super easy.

1183
01:09:04.800 --> 01:09:07.399
Some of the links aren't working.

1184
01:09:07.399 --> 01:09:08.479
Thank you for saying that.

1185
01:09:08.479 --> 01:09:10.399
Facebook is doing something really weird.

1186
01:09:10.399 --> 01:09:12.200
Some of the links aren't working,

1187
01:09:12.200 --> 01:09:14.000
but once you see the names of them,

1188
01:09:14.000 --> 01:09:16.960
you can just go into the search bar of regular Facebook

1189
01:09:16.960 --> 01:09:18.319
and like, I'm in Nashville.

1190
01:09:18.319 --> 01:09:20.359
So if you type in single city Nashville,

1191
01:09:20.359 --> 01:09:21.600
it's gonna come up.

1192
01:09:21.600 --> 01:09:23.520
So you don't actually need the link.

1193
01:09:23.520 --> 01:09:25.840
Once you know the name of the city

1194
01:09:25.840 --> 01:09:26.880
and the ones that we have,

1195
01:09:26.880 --> 01:09:29.680
you can actually just go ahead and look it up.

1196
01:09:29.680 --> 01:09:31.399
So that's a great little,

1197
01:09:32.600 --> 01:09:35.279
oh, good, Maria, we're captivating.

1198
01:09:41.840 --> 01:09:43.000
Oh, crap.

1199
01:09:43.000 --> 01:09:44.160
I think I need to hop off.

1200
01:09:44.160 --> 01:09:46.160
Dang it, I'm so sorry.

1201
01:09:46.160 --> 01:09:47.000
I'm so sorry.

1202
01:09:47.000 --> 01:09:48.680
I just got a text message.

1203
01:09:48.680 --> 01:09:49.520
I have to hop off.

1204
01:09:49.520 --> 01:09:50.359
I'm so sorry.

1205
01:09:50.399 --> 01:09:51.240
Hold on, y'all.

1206
01:09:57.400 --> 01:09:59.440
Hopping off now.

1207
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:04.040
Okay, all right, y'all, I have got 10 minutes.

1208
01:10:04.040 --> 01:10:06.680
I gotta hop off because Bethany has got to do

1209
01:10:06.680 --> 01:10:07.680
another meeting tonight.

1210
01:10:07.680 --> 01:10:08.680
We're on the same seat.

1211
01:10:08.680 --> 01:10:11.820
So I feel like I got a lot of your questions done.

1212
01:10:12.720 --> 01:10:14.560
I'm super sorry that I'm cutting it short.

1213
01:10:14.560 --> 01:10:16.440
I just, I wasn't paying attention.

1214
01:10:16.440 --> 01:10:17.720
She's like, go ahead and finish.

1215
01:10:17.720 --> 01:10:19.400
I feel like we got to a lot of questions.

1216
01:10:19.400 --> 01:10:20.520
So that's really good.

1217
01:10:20.520 --> 01:10:23.660
This is giving you guys a good excuse to come back next week

1218
01:10:23.660 --> 01:10:27.220
and us keep talking or put your questions in the chat.

1219
01:10:27.700 --> 01:10:32.700
And we will make sure that we get those answers to you,

1220
01:10:32.700 --> 01:10:34.860
but have a great week, you guys.

1221
01:10:38.220 --> 01:10:39.820
I think I got to everybody.

1222
01:10:39.820 --> 01:10:41.200
All right, you guys, this was so much fun.

1223
01:10:41.200 --> 01:10:42.260
I've missed doing this with you.

1224
01:10:42.260 --> 01:10:43.620
Have a great and God bless week, all right?

1225
01:10:43.620 --> 01:10:44.460
Talk to you later.